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Palliative care never ends with anything other than death . This blogger saw his father die of cancer that had metastasized . It was not a pleasant way to go . He had home hospice visits from a nurse , but the attending physician told this blogger that the nurse was doing more for the blogger 's mother than for the patient . Then , 30 years later , this blogger watched his 93 - year - old mother die of congestive heart failure while receiving palliative care . Neither experience was pleasant and this blogger hopes a death in his sleep rather than a one - way visit to a hospice facility . If this is ( fair & balanced ) appraisal of end - of - life care , so be it . [ x The New Yorker ] By Larissa MacFarquhar TagCrowd cloud of the following piece of writinganna asked bed believed care carmela children daughter death died doctor dying family feel george god going happened heather hospice hours house life living love man mary maybe mother mrs nurse patient people person piano room ruth sejdaras sit someone sometimes talk things thought told visits wanted woman work years created at TagCrowd . comHeather Meyerend is a hospice nurse who works in several neighborhoods in South Brooklyn - Sheepshead Bay , Mill Basin , Marine Park , Bensonhurst , Bay Ridge . She usually has between sixteen and twenty patients , and visits each at home once a week , sometimes more . Some patients die within days of her meeting them , but others she gets to know well , over many months . She sees her work as preparing a patient for the voyage he is about to take , and accompanying him partway down the road . She , like most hospice workers , feels that it is a privilege to spend time with the dying , to be allowed into a person 's life and a family 's life when they are at their rawest and most vulnerable , and when they most need help . Some hospice workers believe that working with the dying is the closest you can get on earth to the presence of God . Heather is not brisk or efficient , as nurses in hospitals are . She is purposely inefficient , in fact . Most of the time when she visits patients , she doesn 't have much to do : she takes vital signs , she checks that there are enough supplies and medications in the house , she asks if old symptoms have gone away or new ones developed . If she were rushing , she could do all that in about five minutes , but her visits usually last an hour or more . Sometimes there is a complicated medical situation to take care of . Sometimes she does something non - medical that needs to be done , which is the hospice way - she might sweep a floor , she might heat up dinner . But , even when there 's nothing else to do , the idea is to be around longer , to chat , to sit close by , to put her hands on the patient 's skin as she goes about her checkup . Her visit may be the high point of the day for the patient , who may not be able to get out of bed , or for whoever is taking care of the patient , who may not have left the house or seen anybody else for a day or two ; either or both of them may be going a little crazy and may badly need interruption or variety of any kind , ideally someone different to talk to . So Heather moves slowly ; she sits down ; she delays ; she lingers . Dying can be long and bewildering , lonely and painful , frequently undignified , and consumed by pressing and unpredictable and constantly changing and multiplying needs . It 's a relief to have someone around who understands what 's going on and what may happen next . On the other hand , when dying is long it becomes ordinary , just another kind of living , but one in which your friends may be gone and your children busy , or not busy enough . In that case , it can be a good thing to see someone who is not a member of your family ; who comes from the world outside your illness ; who has known you long enough to be familiar but not long enough to have heard your stories already ; who wants to know where your pain is but doesn 't need you to explain everything ; and who is there to take your vital signs but who behaves as though she might have come over to borrow a snow shovel or a couple of eggs . Hospice used to have a countercultural air about it : dying at home seemed , for a while , as unconventional as giving birth at home . The first modern hospice was founded in 1967 , in London , by Cicely Saunders , who was both a doctor and a social worker : she wanted to offer homelike care that aimed to provide comfort and serenity rather than to prolong life . Two years later , Elisabeth Kübler - Ross 's book On Death and Dying ( 1969 , 1997 ) focussed public attention on the idea of the " good death . " The first American hospice opened in 1974 . In those days , hospices were small nonprofits staffed mostly by volunteers ; but in the mid - nineteen - eighties Medicare began to cover hospice , and now roughly twice as many people in America die in hospice as die in hospital . Oddly , Medicare still requires that volunteers provide five per cent of a hospice 's staff hours , even though some hospices now are large businesses that are very profitable indeed . ( MJHS , where Heather works , is a not - for - profit . ) Carmela 's house stood on a quiet street in Bergen Beach , across Mill Basin from Floyd Bennett Field . Her front door opened onto a small hallway , to the left of which was a darkened living room , furnished with carved , gilded chairs and paintings of Jesus . Her husband built the house in 1972 , but he died some time ago , and now Carmela lived there by herself . That morning , she had pulled her hair back in a white satin headband , and she was wearing a baby - blue fleece bathrobe and bedroom slippers . She led Heather past a large cage with two small birds hopping about in it , into the kitchen . " But your pressure has been O . K . , " Heather said . She put her bag down on the kitchen floor and sat at the table . " What time do you get dizzy ? Before or after your medication ? " " I 'm always diagnosing myself , " Carmela told her . " I missed my calling . I wanted to be a nurse , but my mother said no . " Carmela 's parents came to Brooklyn from Sicily in the nineteen - twenties and opened a candy store on Henry Street in Carroll Gardens . At some point , they moved to Bergen Beach and opened a boarding house . They rented rooms to performers who worked in the amusement park in Coney Island . Back then , there was nothing around , Carmela said - only the big house surrounded by grass with the beach behind . All the roads were still dirt . Outside the house was a field of weeds , twelve feet high . " My mother was very shrewd , " Carmela told Heather . " Every bit of money she got , she bought bits of property . Her English was bad , but she had a good head on her shoulders . A property guy would come by the house and ask , ' How much do you want for a property ? ' ' Two thousand . ' ' That 's too much . ' ' You don 't want it ? Don 't buy it . ' Next day , he 'd come back , ' How much ? ' ' Twenty - five hundred . Tomorrow it 'll be three thousand . ' My mother always picked up every penny , and I still do . They were in candy , it was a penny business , so I have great respect for the penny . " Carmela was dying of cancer . She also had a hernia from lifting heavy things during Hurricane Sandy . She knew she shouldn 't have lifted them , but what was she supposed to do when there was three feet of water in the house and she by herself ? She had a small white dog that kept her company , but she couldn 't pick him up anymore . Heather took out her stethoscope and listened to Carmela 's chest , then to her back , then to her belly . Carmela thought that what she really should have been was an inventor , but time and time again other people had thought of the same ideas . Years ago , she had dreamed of a house made of glass , and then someone else built one . She dreamed of disposable diapers , but somebody else made them . She dreamed of patterned sheets . " I 've seen Jesus twice , " Carmela told Heather . " My last surgery , when I was coming out of the anesthetic , we were face to face . He had his red robe on and he was holding both my hands . I don 't remember what he said to me , but then a nurse said , Wake up , and I said , No ! I was talking to Jesus ! I saw him another time in my bedroom doorway . These miraculous things happen to me . My faith is very strong . " " How do you pray about your cancer ? " Heather asked . Heather is a Christian , but she 's careful not to talk about her beliefs unless a patient asks her or it 's obvious that the patient is a Christian , too . " Oh , I talk a lot , I never stop , " Carmela said . " He probably says , Stop babbling . But He 's been in my heart all my life , and I 've walked away from many bad things . I lost my two babies , my girls . I said to God , I don 't feel like I lost anybody - I gave you two angels . I never feel alone . One time , I saw God in the clouds , I wish I had a camera - face , beard , everything . " Mrs . Sejdaras was sitting up in a hospital bed that was pushed up against her regular bed on one side and , on the other , an IV pole and packages of medical supplies , which were crowded into a small space between the bed and a closet . The detritus of death is not beautiful : the wipes , the pill organizers and the medications , the Kleenex boxes , the disposable bed pads , the IV poles and the heat - therapy patches , the catheters and colostomy bags , the oxygen tanks and commodes , the bottles of Ensure liquid meal replacement , the bandages , the sterile gloves , the discarded packaging and used tissues in the wastebasket . Mrs . Sejdaras 's bed was covered with a quilt printed with roses . On the wall facing the bed hung a clock , ticking loudly . Mrs . Sejdaras 's hair was gray and short , and she wore little hoops in her ears . She had emigrated some years before from Korçë , a city in southeastern Albania . Now she lived in Bensonhurst , where there were other Albanians , along with Italians and Russians . She spoke some English , but today she felt too tired to summon it , so her daughter , who was in her twenties , came in to translate . Next door , in the small living room , several members of her family were sitting on a sectional sofa , eating lunch on their laps . Mrs . Sejdaras used to spend time in the living room , but these days she rarely left her bed . It was too tiring to walk . On the TV in the living room was a Balkan news program that displayed the time and weather in Pristina , Skopje , and Ulcinj , but Mrs . Sejdaras found television boring . Heather sat on the bed and took Mrs . Sejdaras 's temperature and felt her pulse . She moved slowly about the room , back and forth between the bed and her bag . She shone a small flashlight into Mrs . Sejdaras 's mouth to check for thrush . " There you go , " Heather said . " He said months , not a month . Don 't dwell on the time , dwell on your family , what you have here . " " Why did the doctor say that ? " the daughter said angrily . " I swear to God , I hate doctors . In our country , a doctor would not say that . " One of the reasons Mrs . Sejdaras was so tired during the day was that she wasn 't sleeping at night . She suffered from nightmares , and then she woke in the early hours of the morning and stayed awake for hours , terrified of what lay ahead of her . Each night , she feared that she might die tomorrow . She took Xanax to relieve her anxiety , but it didn 't help much . Her family discouraged her from talking about any of this , because they believed it would make her feel worse . Heather had tried to persuade them that talking might be helpful , but without success . Heather sat down next to Mrs . Sejdaras on the bed and held her hand . They talked about the morphine she was using for pain . If the drug made her groggy and disoriented , then maybe Heather should reduce the dose that Mrs . Sejdaras got when she pressed the pain button . Maybe taking Ritalin would give her more energy during the day to spend time with her family . Heather called the hospice doctor and requested a prescription . A cat padded in from the living room , jumped onto the bed , and paced along the top of the headboard . Heather got up to go . Mrs . Sejdaras wrapped her arms around Heather 's neck , and Heather kissed her goodbye . Heather sat down next to Mrs . Sejdaras on the bed and held her hand . They talked about the morphine she was using for pain . If the drug made her groggy and disoriented , then maybe Heather should reduce the dose that Mrs . Sejdaras got when she pressed the pain button . Maybe taking Ritalin would give her more energy during the day to spend time with her family . Heather called the hospice doctor and requested a prescription . A cat padded in from the living room , jumped onto the bed , and paced along the top of the headboard . Heather got up to go . Mrs . Sejdaras wrapped her arms around Heather 's neck , and Heather kissed her goodbye . Sometimes relatives would tell her , Don 't ever say " cancer , " don 't ever say " hospice , " and she would respect that . Some people believed that if you told a patient he was dying then he would become depressed and die sooner . She thought it was usually better for families to be open about the dying , but if that was not their way it was not for her to force her way upon them . Once , she had a patient from Eastern Europe who was in his late fifties or early sixties , and his family had told her not to mention cancer , because the man didn 't know his diagnosis . The hospice doctor came for a visit , and she had told him of the request , but he must have forgotten , because he mentioned cancer very casually , and Heather saw the man 's countenance change completely - he looked devastated and dazed , like a lost soul , she thought . No one had prepared him for his death sentence ; he never recovered from the shock and died soon after . Sometimes a patient 's child would attack Heather for the opposite reason - for giving too much medication , or for leaving dangerous drugs in the house . Some people - including some doctors and nurses - feared that opioids like morphine caused trouble breathing and hastened death . Hospice and palliative - care doctors had been accused of euthanasia . And it was true that opioids taken on the street killed people all the time . Many studies had found that careful use of morphine for pain only very rarely slowed breathing , in part because pain itself was a powerful respiratory stimulus ; morphine was more likely to prolong life than to shorten it , because it reduced the patient 's distress . But suspicions persisted . Sometimes there was no calming a relative down . The daughter of one of Heather 's patients had decided that Albanians were untrustworthy . When an Albanian aide came through the door , the daughter jumped up from her chair and shouted , No Albanians ! No Albanians ! , and Heather stood there wondering whether , with the strain of everything , the daughter had simply lost her mind . Sometimes the adult child - more often a daughter - was so entangled in her parent 's misery that it was as though Heather had two patients rather than one . If the mother was anxious or angry about something , the daughter would become even more so , and the situation would escalate . The daughter might have left behind the other parts of her life and become isolated in her total focus on her dying parent . It was people such as these whom Heather would mention to the social worker on her team as at risk for a particularly protracted and difficult bereavement . Sometimes a patient wanted to talk to her about his life because it was easier to talk with a stranger , or because she wasn 't a therapist , or just because she was there . Other patients didn 't want to talk about the past . The Holocaust survivors she had nursed usually didn 't want to talk about it . When a patient was tormented and having a difficult time dying , or was hanging on despite no longer eating or drinking , Heather would ask , Is there someone you need to see ? If a patient was preoccupied with someone he was resolved never to forgive , Heather might say that this unforgiveness was like bondage , and that if he forgave the person who had injured him that person would no longer be his jailer . Heather believed that suffering was part of life , and sometimes when a patient was very disturbed she thought that maybe he needed to understand whatever harrowing memory he was living through again . At other times , she felt that her job was to reduce pain of all sorts , so she increased the patient 's medication until the visions went away . Usually , though , she wasn 't there when a patient cried out , because the worst visions came at night : memories of terrible things that had been done to the patient , or terrible things that he himself had done . Sometimes when a patient 's family didn 't visit , Heather would make inquiries and discover that the patient was a cruel person whose family was avoiding him for good reason . Some such patients wished that they had done things differently , but others had no desire to make things right . One woman said to Heather , I know I 'm a wicked person , I 'm a mean person , but she made no attempt to make restitution . She had no friends , and her children seldom visited , even though they lived across the street . Some patients died alone and angry - angry with people who had wronged them , angry with God . Heather believed that God did not create Hell for people , or people for Hell ; she believed that Hell was always chosen . People chose to have their reward on earth : they chose money or power over God . " There 's a parable in the Bible about a rich man who while he was alive had all good things , " she says . " The finest of wines or whatever . And there was a beggar who would sit at the table of the rich man and he would get the crumbs . They both died , and the poor man , Lazarus - who had a name by the way , Lazarus ; the rich man was just the rich man - Lazarus was taken to Heaven , to the bosom of Abraham , and the rich man ended up in Hell . From Hell , the rich man looks up and he sees Lazarus in the bosom of Abraham , and he says , Abraham , can you send Lazarus so he can put something wet , just to assuage the thirst that I 'm feeling . And Abraham says no . There 's a great chasm that cannot be passed once that death happens ; there 's no more travelling back and forth . " Heather grew up in Jamaica , the eighth of nine children . Her mother and father met in a soda - and - beer factory where they both worked . Her father didn 't live with her mother , but he visited most days and supported the children financially . " I think my mother had a broken heart , " Heather says . " I think she loved my dad very much . They were going to be married , but it didn 't happen . " Later , Heather 's mother worked as a seamstress , and later still she moved to Brooklyn to work as a nanny , and her employers sponsored her for a green card . After she was settled , her children moved to Brooklyn one by one . When Heather was eleven years old , her eldest brother died in a car accident . When she was twenty , another of her brothers died , by drowning . A nephew , her eldest sister 's son , drowned when he was about fourteen . Another nephew , her brother 's son , died in a car accident . Some years ago , her niece drowned in a lake , at the age of eleven . Heather 's family never talked about how many deaths there had been among them , however , and it did not occur to Heather until quite recently that these deaths might have something to do with her choice of work . One memory from her youth has stayed very vivid in her mind . She was in high school in Jamaica , walking to a stadium to practice with her netball team , when she saw a mother carrying a baby over her shoulder , and as Heather got closer she saw from its eyes that the baby was dead . The mother was crying as she walked , but , from the way she was carrying the baby , it seemed to Heather that she didn 't know it had died ; she couldn 't see its face . Heather went up to her and said , Miss , what happened to your baby , and she steered the mother to the police station and stayed with her until a policeman came . She didn 't feel afraid of or repelled by the dead baby but sensed that the mother needed someone to walk with her until she reached a place where someone else would take over and know what to do . Heather came to Brooklyn after high school , when she was nineteen , more than thirty years ago . She had planned to go to college to study English literature and become a teacher - she loved poetry , she loved T . S . Eliot , she loved C . S . Lewis - but when she prayed about this she got a sense that God was telling her to go into nursing instead . She was reading the Bible , 1 Thessalonians , and came across the verse " But we were gentle among you , even as a nurse cherisheth her children . " She said to God , Nursing ? Lord , I never really thought of nursing . But she discovered that it suited her . Normally , a graduating nurse went into medical - surgical work - that was where the prestige , the difficulty , and the excitement were - but she went instead into home care . She wanted to care for her patients in a personal way , rather than racing from one task to another , one limb to the next - inserting an IV here , drawing blood there , scarcely noticing whose vein she was puncturing or whose arm she was holding . After a few years working as a visiting nurse , she felt a call to be a missionary abroad . She moved to California and enrolled in Fuller Theological Seminary , in Pasadena . There she met and married her husband , a white man from Kansas , and together they tried to become part of a mission . But they didn 't find a placement , and all the while they were trying to make it work Heather kept dreaming that she was at her wedding but something was missing , or that she was getting married but had no shoes , and she began to get the sense that God didn 't want her to go on a mission abroad after all . She was disappointed , but she thought , God 's no is as good as his yes ; if missionary work was not for her , then surely there would be something else . She and her husband moved to Brooklyn and started working as pastors at a small church in East Flatbush . Her husband became the principal of a school attached to the church ; Heather began teaching Latin there on Friday mornings . Heather felt that her work was a kind of therapy , but she had never wanted to be a talk therapist : she wanted to care for the whole person . She knew some people believed that bodies didn 't matter , that only the soul counted , but she believed that God had created bodies for a reason and that they mattered a lot . She wanted to dress a wound and see it heal - even though much of the time in hospice there was no healing . She wanted to make a patient more comfortable for a few hours , or at least not hurt him when she put in a needle , and sometimes a patient would thank her for being so gentle and tell her that she had a good touch . She understood now that touching itself was important , whether it healed or not ; she had not realized this before she became a nurse . " I didn 't grow up in a family that was all touchy - feely , " she says . " In the Caribbean , there tends to be that - I 'm not stereotyping , but when you talk to other people from the Caribbean , especially after you reach a certain age , the natural thing is not to have your mom or your dad just hug you . And yet we know their love for us . The love is not expressed in touch ; it 's expressed in , I 'm cooking your dinner , I 'm washing your clothes , I 'm doing all of these things for you . " One time when my mother was dying , I got in the bed with her . It was a hospital bed . I got in the bed , just to get a sense of hugging . I was seeking for a sense of connection . Physical connection with my mother . But you know , when I went in bed with my mom , I didn 't feel that returning sense of , you know - " I 'm sure when we were younger children you would run and get hugs . But I think maybe as we got older there 's self - consciousness . But I can 't say that I remember . I can 't honestly say that I remember cozy , in - your - lap hugging . Do you know how my mom expressed her love ? If she 'd go to a supermarket , she would bring back little treats for us . I never doubted her love . But that sense of being enveloped in a warm embrace , I don 't - you know , I don 't have a great memory . I should ask my sister . " Mary lived in a small two - story white house near Kings Highway in Marine Park with her daughter , Barbara , Barbara 's husband , and two dogs . Previously , Mary had slept upstairs , but then she developed arthritis and heart problems and dementia and she couldn 't make it up the stairs anymore , so Barbara got her a hospital bed and installed it in the living room . The living - room walls were pale blue ; against one wall , there was a sofa covered in a torn quilt , where the dogs lay . Against another wall , a radiator cover was crowded with statues of saints and vases of artificial flowers , and there was a display cabinet set out with china plates and cups , decorative glass , and china animals . " Without anything . She just wouldn 't wake up . I put the oxygen , I thought maybe that would help , but she wasn 't even trying to pull the tube out of her nose , you know ? " Barbara used to work on Wall Street , in a corporation 's library . Now that her mother was sick , though , she rarely left the house . Heather had tried several times to persuade her to accept help for at least a few hours a week , which came free with hospice , but Barbara refused . She felt that her place was with her mother . She didn 't want some stranger taking care of her . " My mother was good to me , " Barbara said . " I was diabetic from when I was four years old , and she took care of me . We were like Tonto and the Lone Ranger . " Mary grew up in the Village during the Depression , one of nine children of immigrants from southern Italy . Her father was an alcoholic who didn 't work ; her mother worked as a janitor and washed diapers for extra money , but then in her forties she had a stroke . When Mary was sixteen , she started working in a factory that made shoulder pads , and during the war she worked in an airplane - parts plant . Barbara 's father worked in the shipyards in Red Hook . Heather pulled on a pair of rubber gloves . Stool removal was a fairly regular part of her work , and she didn 't mind it . It brought the patient such relief that it was actually quite gratifying to do . And it was not the most distasteful of her tasks . A fungating wound could smell far worse than stool . Sometimes the stink of a wound was so foul that she had to excuse herself and walk away so the patient or the family wouldn 't see her gagging . Patients often asked Heather how much time they had left . She tended not to answer this question right away . She would ask them for their own sense of this , and she would deduce how direct an answer they were ready for . By the time patients entered hospice , they knew the battle was pretty much up , but often they were conflicted about it . They weren 't ready to die , they still wanted to fight , but they knew they couldn 't take another round of chemo , or radiation , or whatever the treatment was . They were starting out into unfamiliar and hostile territory , in which things that had once been ordinary became fraught . Some patients were afraid to walk , lest they fall ; others were afraid to eat , because they worried that their body was breaking down and would not be able to cope with the food . Some fought sleep because they were afraid they might never wake up again , and they were right - they might not . Family members reported to Heather that a patient would fall asleep and then five minutes later jerk violently awake , in terror . Of course , Heather didn 't know how long a patient had to live ; she could only guess . Toward the end , there were signs . A person became lethargic and began to lose interest in food . Families often found it extremely distressing when a patient stopped wanting to eat . Sometimes a patient would say , Oh , I feel like eating lobster ! and the family , thrilled by this expression of desire , would rush out to get lobster , but then the patient would take only one bite , or wouldn 't want it at all , he would smell it and feel nauseous and push it away . If a patient became unable to swallow , he could decide to have a stomach tube put in , but most patients didn 't want that . They didn 't need food anymore . When a patient could no longer keep food down , Heather might put him on an IV to give him fluids , but after a while even that did more harm than good . If the patient wasn 't taking in any more protein , eventually the fluid stopped being absorbed and began to leach out under the skin . But even though this caused swelling , sometimes she would continue it for a short time , because to cease even the fluids might seem too dreadful a step if the patient or his family wasn 't ready to finally let go . Heather thought that religious people for the most part were more accepting of death than others . Then again , Christians sometimes felt , guiltily , that they ought to endure their suffering without complaint , or even embrace it . One Catholic woman said to Heather , After all that Christ went through , the persecution and the Crucifixion , why can 't I cope with this cancer ? Why can 't I love my suffering if it was given to me by God ? Heather told the woman it was OK not to love her suffering , but she didn 't convince her . As the end approached , patients sometimes fell into an agitated delirium in which they saw people from their past appear in front of them as they lay in bed , often people who had died years before . This happened more often than Heather had expected - to about a third of her patients . The spectres appeared sometimes sitting in a chair by the bed , sometimes standing near the door . Often , a dying patient saw his mother or his father in the room , waiting . Sometimes these spectres were welcome : it seemed to the patient as though someone he loved who had gone on before had come back to accompany him to a life after . But other times the spectres were terrifying . Sometimes a patient believed that someone was running after him , out to get him ; sometimes he was haunted by someone he had hurt long ago . When death drew closer , a patient usually began to withdraw , not wanting to see people , and talking less if someone came . He began to sleep more . There was a kind of quieting , a kind of drawing in , as if he needed time to prepare . He might open his eyes for a minute and smile , but then he closed them and returned to wherever he had been . Hearing was the last sense to go . The patient might seem to be asleep or far away , but still he might hear what his family said around him . People tended to whisper around a dying person , so Heather might say to them , Don 't whisper ! Talk , play music , he can still hear you . When death is imminent , the breathing changes , and discoloration begins . The skin under the nails starts to get cyanotic , to turn blue . The legs grow dusky and cool . When Heather sees these signs , she calls family members who aren 't there and tells them , If you want to be here , this is the time . But she has seen , many times , that the patient seems to choose whom he wants there at the moment of death . Sometimes he waits for someone to arrive ; but just as often he waits for someone to leave . Heather would see a husband or a wife or a child sit by the bedside day after day , hour after hour , and then he or she would say to the patient , I 'm just running out to the market for ten minutes to get lunch , or I 'm just going to take a shower , and that would be the time the patient would go . This happened over and over again . She wasn 't sure why . Maybe the dying person wanted to spare his spouse or his child the grief , or maybe it was harder to let go with that particular person around . Maybe dying was just easier to do alone . If Heather was there when the end was very near , she would ask if the family wanted to gather together in the room . Then she would hang back , leaving the family to say goodbye . If the family were Christian , and if they had talked about that before , she might ask if they wanted to pray together . If the family were not Christian , she didn 't want to impose her beliefs , so she prayed silently in her head : God , here is this person , have mercy on him . The patient 's breathing changes . He might stop breathing altogether for half a minute or so , and then start again . Then he stops again , but for longer . Then starts again , but shallower . This means that death is very close . For a person who hasn 't seen dying before , this strange , unpredictable breathing can be bewildering , a horror : because of the irregular intervals between the breaths , there is no knowing until a while afterward which breath is the last . Just before it happens , there is a staring . The eyes don 't focus anymore . The person is not there behind the eyes . Even so , Heather may need to step forward , after waiting some time , because the family may not know that the patient is dead . People react differently to a death . Some cry , some are calm . Some are frightened to be left alone with a body . Some fear that the body may come back to life . Wives sometimes throw themselves on the body , weeping and grasping it , especially when the couple have been married forty , fifty , sixty years . " The Bible says , And two shall become one , " Heather says . " It 's a wrenching that happens , a tearing , like a garment that 's being pulled apart . " But fairly often a former spouse is taking care of the patient , because there is no one else to do it , and that person may not feel too much . When the time seems right , Heather begins the postmortem rituals . She shines a flashlight into the patient 's eyes to see that the pupils no longer constrict , and , if they do not , she closes the eyelids . She checks the pulse at the wrist and neck . She listens to the chest , and looks at the hands to see if they have changed color . She asks the family if there are people they need to call - other relatives , a priest , the funeral home - and if they aren 't ready to do it she offers to do it for them . She phones the hospice doctor to confirm the time of death , and the doctor writes up the death certificate . It is illegal to transfer medications from one patient to another , so she goes to the patient 's fridge and retrieves any leftover drugs and destroys them , with bleach , or coffee , or dirt . As Heather was leaving Mary and Barbara 's house , she received a message that George , another patient of hers , who lived nearby , had died . She drove over right away . As she parked , she saw a priest knocking at the front door . George had died ten minutes earlier , and his wife , Anna , had immediately called the church and hospice . Two clergymen from the church had also come by , to keep Anna company and pray with her . George was lying on a hospital bed in the living room . His mouth was open ; he had no teeth . In a formal photograph of George and Anna that hung over the bed - he wearing a dark suit , she a white one - George was a big , robust man , but in his illness he had become shrunken and thin ; the pale skin of his face hung slackly over his cheekbones . The priest stood over George 's body and prayed aloud . " Go forth , Christian soul , from this world , " he said . " In the name of God the Almighty , the Father who created you ; in the name of Jesus Christ , the Son of the living God , who suffered for you ; in the name of the Holy Spirit who was poured out upon you , go forth , faithful Christian . May you live in peace this day . May your home be with God and Zion , with Mary , the Virgin Mother of God , with Joseph , all the angels , and all the saints . I commend you , George , to Almighty God , and entrust you to your Creator . May you return to Him , who formed you from the dust of the earth . May Holy Mary , the angels , St . Columba , and all the saints come to meet you as you go forth from this life . May Christ who was crucified for you bring you freedom and peace . May He forgive all your sins , and set you among those He has chosen . May you , George , see your Redeemer face to face , and enjoy the vision of the one God forever . We ask this through Christ our Lord . Amen . " For a minute , it was quiet in the room . Anna stood holding on to the bed rails and cried silently . Heather went to her and stroked her back . Anna stopped crying and turned to Heather . " A lot of people are going to miss George , " the priest said . " I know that . I 've been hearing about the both of you since I got here - how faithful you were to the church , and to God . " Anna and George 's daughter arrived , and Heather hugged her . The daughter went over to her father 's body and stood looking at it for a moment ; then she went to sit next to her mother on the sofa . The priest stood up to leave . Heather asked the aide in a low voice whether she needed to wash George 's body , because sometimes people soiled themselves when they died , but the aide told her that George was clean . Heather went over to the bed and stood looking at George 's face for a moment . She shone her flashlight into his eyes , then gently closed his eyelids . " I thought he was going to wait till Monday , because that was our anniversary , " she told them . " But then he lived past Monday . And then I thought he was waiting for my birthday . All this while I was thinking , Another two hours , another four hours , he 's not going to go through the night . The waiting , the anticipation , you know ? And then the hospice music people came and played the guitar , and he went off with them playing ' On Eagle 's Wings . ' " Unbelievable ! I had no idea . When Heather said I was going to have around - the - clock , it was , like , God , here 's my miracle that I was asking for . People don 't always realize when they have miracles . " " You know ? " Anna said . " And Maureen ! Forget about Maureen . Every time I ran short , Maureen , my niece , she 's a nurse , she 'd come running . " Next to the table in the dining room there was a display cabinet filled with china and religious figurines . A sign on the wall read " MY DOG ISN ' T SPOILED , i ' JUST WELL TRAINED . " There was a framed message from Pope Benedict XVI , blessing Anna and George on the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary , in 2007 . " These people next door had two pianos in their house , and they wanted to give away a piano for nothing , " Anna was saying to the clergymen . " So I went down the list , calling all the priests I know , figuring maybe they needed it in church , this piano . People came , but they said , How am I going to get the piano to where I gotta get it ? " " Then , two weeks ago , Father Apollinaris from Ghana comes , and he sits down and he 's having a plate of spaghetti over here with us and he starts showing pictures - he opened up a school , and every year he comes and shows me these pictures of the kindergarten children . " Over the years , Anna and George had hosted more than four hundred priests from all over the world - from Ghana , Nigeria , India , Lebanon . " So I said , It 's too bad you 're over there , because there 's people next door who 've got a piano . He said , I could use a piano . I said , How 're you going to bring a piano all the way there ? " " He said , I want the piano , I need a piano , if it 's for free . I 'm going to call two men in my parish , St . Matthew 's , over there on Eastern Parkway . I said , Wait a minute , when you pick up the piano , where you gonna put it until you go ? People are gonna have a fit , you bring a piano in the house . Oh , he said , that escaped my mind . I said , Go call up the freight people in the Bronx , so that 's just what he did . The people next door were so happy because they thought they were never going to get rid of that piano . The piano belonged to his wife who passed away three years ago . Did you read the paper three years ago ? The lady who was going to the post office , and on her way to the post office , or coming out of the post office , some driver lost control - " " And a year later it winds up that he marries his second cousin , and that lady came with a piano , and this piano belonged to his first wife . So there were too many pianos in the house , and she didn 't want to keep the wife 's piano , she wanted her own piano . So Monday , as bad as it was , I went from crying to laughing when I looked outside and saw all of them trying to get the piano into the van , and there were so many of them I didn 't know how they were going to fit . And the piano went to Africa . And that made me happy , that at least I did something good for somebody today . As bad as it was over here , something good was happening someplace . You know ? " Mostly , Heather didn 't take the deaths of her patients too hard . She couldn 't - she had to learn to control her emotions . But sometimes a death really got to her . There was one woman in her forties who lived with her teen - age daughter and was dying of melanoma . The woman had lived a rough life - she had been a junkie and a prostitute - but she had found AA and found religion and had been trying to lift herself up . She was an unbelievably needy person . When Heather went to see her , the woman wanted to tell her about everything she had gone through in her life , all the struggles and the abuse , and she was always calling Heather on the phone in between visits . Heather found herself wanting to protect and help the woman : she had lived such a miserable life , and she had fought so hard to rise above it , and now she was going to die young and leave her daughter behind . The woman liked to read aloud to Heather from the inspirational books she was given at AA , and sometimes the two of them would hold hands and pray together . Then one day Heather got a call asking her to go over to the woman 's house right away , and she arrived and found that the woman had gone . She wasn 't dead yet - she died a couple of weeks later - but mentally she was gone : she could no longer talk coherently or understand who Heather was or what she was saying . It was so sudden , so abrupt , and it was immediately clear that Heather would not be able to ease the woman into death as she had wanted and planned to do , and she felt such an acute sense of loss that she realized how much this woman had got under her skin . The teen - age daughter couldn 't take care of her , so the woman was placed in the hospice 's inpatient facility - many hospice organizations offer both inpatient and home care - and Heather wasn 't her nurse anymore . Heather asked the facility to keep her updated on what was going on . And then one Tuesday morning , during her weekly meeting at work , she suddenly noticed that the woman 's name had disappeared from her computer system . Heather realized that she had died , and burst into tears . Sometimes , particularly when she was assigned to dying children or babies , she asked herself what she was doing in this profession . She no longer had child patients - there were now nurses in her hospice who specialized in children . But she remembered the ones she 'd had . She remembered a boy , about seventeen years old , who had a tumor that had started in his mouth and protruded up into his eye , so that the eye had come out of its socket , and then the tumor had spread into his brain . The boy was self - conscious about how ghastly he looked , so he had withdrawn from his friends . His mother , too , was isolated - she had expected her friends to rally around her more than they did . That family belonged to a church like Heather 's , and so she and the boy would talk about God . The boy himself wasn 't angry about dying so young , but Heather found that case very difficult . The boy had a younger brother , and Heather had two young boys herself , and it was just too close . Heather did not fear her own death . She believed that there was a life after that was better than this one , and she trusted that she would wake up with God , and with those from her family who had died before her . Sometimes she even got excited thinking about what was in store in that future . Meanwhile , she tried to do her best in life , so that when she came before God he would say to her , as she had read in the Bible , Well done , good and faithful servant . " Remember me ? " Heather said as she walked up to Ruth , who was sitting in an armchair in her living room . " I 'm Heather , I 'm the nurse ! " Ruth lived in a brick apartment building on Ocean Avenue , in Sheepshead Bay . She was a tiny person , well coiffed . Her white hair was pulled back into a tight bun ; she wore a striped cotton dress with a cardigan over her shoulders . Her nails were freshly painted cherry red . On the shelves behind her there were framed family photographs of children and grandchildren , graduations and weddings , decorative plates and glass goblets . Ruth was a hundred and five , almost a hundred and six . Her husband had died the previous year , at ninety - four , and this had been a shock to everyone because she was supposed to go first . When he died , his and Ruth 's daughter , Pearl , kept protesting , in her grief , " But he 's so young . " Nobody was sure whether Ruth understood that her husband was dead . Pearl had told her , and she had cried , but then she seemed to forget . She still blew kisses to the spot where he used to sit on the sofa . For months now , Ruth had been inert , almost unwakeable . Heather had come by each week , and Ruth had just sat there . She didn 't speak , she barely ate , she slept all the time . But then quite suddenly , a few days earlier , she had come back to life . It was like a miracle - Heather could hardly believe it . " Yes ! She says she wants to get married . " Indira had been with Ruth for ten years , ever since Pearl started feeling nervous about her parents living alone . Ruth grew up on the Lower East Side , the youngest of eight children . She grew up in an Orthodox family , but instead of getting married she worked as a public - school teacher in Bedford Stuyvesant and travelled by herself to South America and the Middle East . Eventually , in her late thirties , she married a younger man and had Pearl . She had always felt blessed in life , and loved by everyone . Pearl did not believe that this had much to do with her longevity , however ; she thought her mother just had good genes . Ruth started to sing . " Summertime , and the living is good , " she sang , in a quavery voice . " So hush , little baby , don 't you cry . " " One of these mornings , you 're going to fly free singing , " Ruth sang . " Then you 'll spread your wings , spread your wings ! And you 'll take to the sky . " " Do you want to try this one ? " Indira asked when Ruth finished the song , picking up a book of lyrics and opening it on Ruth 's lap . " It 's your favorite . " [ Larissa MacFarquhar has been a staff writer at The New Yorker since 1998 . Her Profile subjects have included John Ashbery , Barack Obama , Noam Chomsky , Hilary Mantel , Derek Parfit , David Chang , and Aaron Swartz , among many others . She is the author of " Strangers Drowning : Grappling with Impossible Idealism , Drastic Choices , and the Overpowering Urge to Help " ( Penguin Press , 2015 ) . Before joining the magazine , she was a senior editor at Lingua Franca and an advisory editor at The Paris Review , and wrote for Artforum , The Nation , The New Republic , the Times Book Review , Slate , and other publications . MacFarquhar received a BA ( English ) from Harvard University . ] Born on a dark and stormy night in early 1941 . I 've lived a life of trial and error for more than 3 score and 10 years . It 's been like hitting myself in the head with a hammer ; it will feel so good when I can stop .
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The mother of my boyfriend 's youngest child called in the middle of the night . He was asleep , the heat from his body wrapping around us . I stared at the dark shadows of the ceiling fan lazily spinning above us . He sleeps soundly despite many reasons he should not . The mother of my boyfriend 's youngest child , Anna Lisa , handed me her daughter , still in her carrier , as well as a large duffel bag . She nodded toward the bag . " The baby 's things . " I looked at the baby , neither cute nor ugly , a blob of indeterminate features . We stood quietly , listened to moths and other insects flying into the bright , buzzing lamp covering us in its light . My shoulders ached . The air was damp and heavy . Anna Lisa is beautiful but she looked tired . She wore a loose pair of sweat pants with fading block letters down the left leg . Her t - shirt was stained . Her breasts were swollen . I could see that . Her hair hung limply in her face . She smelled ripe . There were dark circles beneath her eyes . I don 't know that we looked different . I invited her in , offered to give her a bath . I wanted to help her undress , pulling her shirt over her head . I wanted to run a bath of hot water , to wash her body and scrub her back and her thighs , the still loose skin of her stomach , to wash her clean . My husband hates my new boyfriend . I do too . He is the kind of person everyone hates . My husband is the man I love . He likes his eggs scrambled soft with freshly ground pepper , sea salt . I woke up early every morning to make him breakfast , enjoyed the rhythm of it , enjoyed feeling useful in that way . My husband calls me daily , says , " Why are you punishing yourself ? " He says , " Come home . " My boyfriend isn 't really my boyfriend ; he and I aren 't quite living together . We came to a silent agreement where more often than not , I am around . My things are still at my house - four bedrooms , three baths - with my husband . I visit my things , my husband , often . I run my fingers over the modern statue near the front entrance , the dimple in my husband 's chin , the thick , ropy muscles of his shoulders , the mahogany mantle over the fireplace . I belong with these things , they are mine , so I do not stay long . A mosquito bit my cheek and I winced . I pressed my hand to my stomach , ignored the thin roll of scar , how it pulsed against my palm . The baby whimpered so I set the duffel bag just inside the foyer and picked her up out of her carrier , held her against my shoulder . She smelled sweet and powdery and settled as I patted her back , soft , steady . I said there , there baby love . Anna Lisa covered my hand with hers as I comforted her child . Anna Lisa 's hand was sweaty . I sat with the baby in the living room , setting her on a clean blanket . When I tired of watching her , I stretched out , resting my hand on her stomach . I fell asleep with the baby staring at me , her eyes wide open . I sat up quickly , holding a finger to my lips . I stood and pulled him into the bedroom . " Anna Lisa brought the baby last night . She can 't take care of her anymore . " My boyfriend shook his head and reached for his phone , quickly dialing his ex . " This is bullshit , " he muttered . When Anna Lisa didn 't answer , he threw his phone against the wall . " What the hell am I supposed to do with a baby ? " I have read many baby books . After my boyfriend left , I filled the kitchen sink with warm water and soap and washed the baby , gave her a fresh diaper and chose the cutest outfit . I prepared a bottle and fed the baby and she fell back asleep . I did a quick inventory - a stack of neatly folded onesies , seven outfits , a stuffed animal , three bottles and a Ziploc bag filled with nipples , two cans of formula , a half - filled package of baby wipes , six diapers , and a notebook filled with detailed instructions about the baby 's personality , likes and dislikes , daily schedule , what the baby 's different sounds mean , the kind of accounting made possible only by the reach of a mother 's love . We needed to go shopping but first I needed to share this development with my husband . Once or twice a week , he works from home . I found him in his office bare - chested , wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants . He smiled when he saw me and I wanted to crawl inside him . A lot of people decided I went crazy after the accident . They kept waiting for me to strip naked in a shopping mall or eat a cat or something . When I took up with an asshole , they breathed a sigh of relief . " Your situation is still fixable , " my mother said when I was still taking her calls . My husband , Ben , crouched down and tapped the baby on her nose . She smiled and he did it again . He looked up . " You didn 't , like , steal this baby , did you ? " Ben sat , and pulled the baby out of her carrier . He started clapping her hands together and singing a silly song . I felt the scar across my stomach stretch tightly . I ran to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time , heaving until my back ached . That night when my boyfriend came home from work , he was drunk . I heard him at the door trying to make sense of how his key fit into the lock and what he was supposed to do next . I didn 't try to help . The baby was already asleep in a small basket I bought for her at a baby store for people with too much money and no sense . The saleslady who knew me from a different time , looked down at the baby and said , " He 's gotten so big , " because all babies look the same and all women with babies look the same . I bit through my tongue and nodded . My boyfriend finally made his way into the apartment . " Woman , where are you ? Goddamnit , " he said when he realized I was not alone . " That kid is still here ? " He pulled me up from the couch and dragged me into the bedroom . I relaxed , made myself into meat for him . He threw me onto the bed and started unbuckling his belt . " Why are you always so damn quiet ? It creeps me out . " I said nothing . He did not need my voice . He crawled onto the bed , spreading my legs , pulling my jeans down . He lay on top of me , his body so heavy I sank deeply into the mattress . He pressed his boozy lips against my neck , squeezing my breasts between his fingers , reshaping them . It hurt . I groaned . " Say something , " he said . I closed my eyes and hoped the baby couldn 't hear her father . He slapped me and my eyes watered ; the bones in my forehead felt like they would splinter . I turned my head slightly , offering him my face . He clasped my throat and squeezed harder and harder , leaving his mark . I held his gaze . I waited for him to punish me and when he did , it was perfect relief . I looked for a long - sleeved shirt with a high neck but couldn 't find one so I covered myself with a hooded jacket and too much makeup . I talked to the baby in the rearview mirror as we drove . Ben was waiting on the front porch and he came out to the car when we pulled up , carefully removed the baby from her car seat , opened my door for me . " Just like old times , " he said , softly . Ben put the baby in the playpen that has been empty in the corner of our den for months . She began playing with the toys - plastic things that made noise . He sat next to me , pulled the hood of my jacket down . He slammed his fist into the coffee table . One of the books slid onto the floor . " I 'm going to kill him . " A few days later , the baby had a fever . She cried and cried , her face red with tiny , heated rage . I stripped her down to her diaper and stood with her near the open freezer while the air conditioner covered us in frigid air . She wouldn 't stop crying . She missed her mother , I decided . My boyfriend came out of the bedroom , his boxers hanging off his narrow hips at an awkward angle . I held the baby closer , whispering sweetly . He spit into the sink and took another sip of beer . " Suit yourself . " When he grew bored , he wandered back to the bedroom . The baby stopped crying , her body trembling every few minutes as she hiccupped . I sat with her on the balcony because it was cool outside and the air was clean . I called Anna Lisa . The baby held on to my t - shirt , her tiny fingers curling around the cotton . I told her mother about the fever and how Ben and I played with her and took a long walk . I told Anna Lisa how the baby enjoyed bathing in the kitchen sink . I told her about the new outfits . The baby was still fussy in the morning , wouldn 't rest easy in my arms , sweaty and squirming . She barely slept . I barely slept . My boyfriend got mad because she kept making this sound , a high - pitched whimpering , and she wouldn 't stop and it got on his nerves . I lay next to him , waiting for him to explode . He would . He did . I went slack and hoped he would beat me until my bones finally softened . Later , Ben called as the baby wailed lustily like an old sorrowful woman . I admired her for it . " I want to see your face , " he said . In the bedroom , my boyfriend sprawled across the bed on his stomach wearing only a pair of jeans . I asked if he planned on going to work and he grunted something unintelligible . Ben was once again waiting in the driveway for us . He took the baby and jogged slowly toward the house . I leaned back as I watched him . He paused on the porch , waved . I nodded and closed my eyes . Seven months ago , we were in a parking lot at a grocery store , the kind where everything is organic and artisanal and overpriced . For the first time in our marriage , we could afford to shop wherever we wanted . We bought lots of olives in those days because there was an olive bar at the fancy grocery store . The absurdity was irresistible . We made a lot of tapenades . We were adults . We had a boy , who shared his father 's name . He was fourteen months old , still getting used to how his legs moved him , his chubby thighs rolling around each other with each awkward step . He always held his hands in front of him when he walked . We called him BZ or Baby Zombie and sometimes , a lot of the time , we gelled his hair so it stood on end . We took a hundred thousand pictures , the excesses of parents of only children , capturing how he curled his fingers when he neared us and how his nose wrinkled just before he laughed and his eyelashes , they were so long , you could see each one like some perfect extension of his beauty . Our parents thought the zombie nickname was crude . It was funny . Ben and I were flirting as we put the groceries in the trunk . There was a bottle of wine , some organic merlot such and such and a promise of what we were going to do after we drank that wine . I said we didn 't need to wait and he said something about blindfolding the baby for the drive home and we laughed and leaned into each other over the cart to kiss , wet tongue sloppy . Ben Jr . started smacking the handle of the grocery cart , shouting da da da da da . He wanted out so I lifted him , enjoying the weight of his body against the curves between my thumbs and forefingers . I kissed both of his cheeks and his forehead and his father rubbed the baby 's back as I set our boy on the ground . I pulled his hand to my jeans and told him to hold on to me or he 'd have to stay in the cart . He nodded and grinned , his dimples deep and winking as he hugged my leg . I looked at that boy and the man who helped me make him as we stood in the center of a perfect life . The heat of that joy could have burned us all . A young guy walking some shitty little dog passed by . Ben Jr . loved dogs , called them doshi . We have no idea where that came from but it was his word so it became our word . Doshi doshi doshi . He shouted , " Doshi , " and let go of me and when he let go , when I no longer felt that tug , I was so cold and hollow . There was nothing holding me to the ground . Ben Jr . started running and both Ben and I leapt after him but those tiny , chubby legs of his , when they wanted to , they moved real fast and we were still happy so it was hard to make sense of the urgency . Our son chased the doshi , his arms in front of him like he intended to make that dog undead . An eighty - four year old woman , Helen McGuigan , came barreling through the parking lot . She couldn 't see my little boy over the hood of her 1974 Grand Prix , a real tank of a car . Ben and I screamed . Ben Jr . stopped and turned to look at us , was so startled by the pitch of our voices , he cried . The last thing my child did was cry because he was scared . He held his arms higher , the way he does , the way he did , when he wanted to be held . The curves between my thumbs and forefingers throbbed violently . When the car ran him over , I did not look away . I saw what happened to my boy 's body . I saw everything , all of him , everywhere . I don 't allow myself to be around dogs anymore . I could kill them all , every last one of those dirty animals with their wagging tails and long hanging tongues . I cannot stand the stink of them . Ben and I did not go to the funeral . After the viewing , after seeing the impossible size of that coffin , we had nothing left . Our families could not understand . During the funeral we sat on the floor of Ben 's nursery , waiting for him to come home . We are still sitting there . Ben called my name . He stood on the porch , handsome , his hair wild and curly , the baby strapped to his chest . I swallowed hard as I got out of the car . In the corner of the yard , I saw a red plastic bat . Acid burned my throat and before I could stop myself , I puked over the hedges lining the house . We used to trim them together . We 'd wake up on Saturday mornings and say , " We are doing yard work today . " We 'd giggle because our fathers do yard work , raking their yards in sandals and knee high socks . Ben rushed to me and rubbed my back . He said soft soothing things . He led me into the house and gave me water . I drank but my lips remained parched . My husband rolled my shirt up further , hissing . My heart sank . I had no energy for pretending he couldn 't see what was there . " What the fuck is this ? Seriously , babe , what the fuck is this ? " He pulled my shirt up around my shoulders and slowly turned me around . I couldn 't look him in the eye . He traced an angry , spreading bruise along my ribcage , dark purple , almost black around the edges . I winced . " That 's it , " Ben said . " That really is it , Natasha . " He unstrapped the baby from his chest and handed her to me . " Stay here . " He shook his head and ran out of the house . He kicked the car door before he opened it , kept kicking the door until it caved . I 've never seen him so angry . He pointed at me . " Don 't you dare leave . " I watched as he sped away . I took the baby into our bedroom and lay on my side , holding the baby to my chest , inhaling her warm , milky breath . She finally stopped fussing and we fell asleep . When I woke up , Ben was sitting in the reading chair near the foot of the bed . I sat slowly and pulled my knees to my chest . There was a bruise on his chin and his knuckles were red raw like meat . I pressed my forehead against my knees . My chest was empty . It was nice for someone to tell me what to do . Ben stood and took the baby , still asleep . He disappeared with her and was alone when he returned . He set a baby monitor on the end table and crawled into the bed next to me . It is hard to breathe in a house with no air but I tried . I stretched myself against him and when he started to undress me I let him . My desire for him was unabated . My tongue could not forget the taste of his skin , his mouth . Pale evening light filled the room , enough light for us to see each other plainly . He kissed the bruises along my collarbone , around my navel , the dark spreads of purple on my upper arms , my thighs , in the small of my back . It had been a long time since a man touched me gently - such luxury . I had almost forgotten . Ben held my face in his hands as he kissed me , and then , I fell into his tongue in my mouth , his mouth on my breasts , his fingers between my thighs . He filled me in a way that let me know he was taking me back . I opened myself to let him . I kissed his red raw meat knuckles and his chin and wrapped my arms around him . I said , " Hold me to the ground . " It was late , crying from another room . I lay on my back , Ben 's body half covering mine as he slept . I covered my chest with my hand , rubbed softly like that might move my heart back to its proper place . Still there was crying from another room . I tried to remember when I was . My mouth was dry and sorrow , my lips still parched , my eyes dry . Everything was dry . I ran my fingers through Ben 's hair . The crying grew louder so I kissed my husband 's head and slipped out of bed , tried to remember the geography of the room I had not slept in for months . My breasts ached uncomfortably , engorged with the milk of sweetly spoiled fruit . Ben 's shirt lay on the floor and I pulled it on then held my hand to the wall as I walked to the nursery . When I turned on the light , the baby rolled over and blinked . The room still smelled like my son . He was there even though he was not there . I could feel him in my fingers . I picked the baby up and cradled her along the length of my arm , the weight of her nearly tearing my heart out of me . We went outside for fresh air , sat on the patio Ben and I built ourselves , all brick , more yard work . I called Anna Lisa . She answered again after seven rings . The baby shifted in my arms . I traced her little lips with my finger . " What am I going to do with you ? " I asked . She cooed and grabbed my finger , wouldn 't let go , so we sat like that for a long time , her grip growing tighter and tighter . I thought she might break me too . Damp circles spread across Ben 's shirt . No matter what I did , my milk refused to dry . My body needed something to feed . When I went inside , Ben was holding his phone and car keys . His hair stood on end . He looked so young , like when we first met . We were freshmen in college and he chased me across a quad because he liked the pink streak in my hair . He said he always knew he would love a woman with a three - syllable name . I wasn 't sure which Ben I was looking at and then he came to me and pressed his nose in my hair and told me I smelled like the night air . I looked down at the baby . " She 's coming with us . For now . Until her mom can take her . The baby won 't fix what 's wrong . I 'm not crazy the way everyone thinks . I know who this baby is and who she isn 't . " " You can say his name . " Ben 's eyes met mine . Our son had his eyes . There was a time when I wondered if I could stand to look at my husband for the rest of my life . " Say his name , " Ben said . When Ben Jr . was born , we had been married for seven years . We are both only children . We were still young but our parents had resigned themselves to not having grandchildren and then this bright beautiful boy found his way to all of us . After the accident , I called my mother to tell her what happened . I told her while sitting on the front porch because I couldn 't be in the house where there was no air . Ben sat next to me . We held the phone between our cheeks . My mother moaned when I explained to her that my son was a bloody stretch on the hot pavement of a parking lot , that he was driven out of his shoes , that he was lying somewhere , alone and cold . I tried to stay in the morgue with Ben Jr . the day he died but it was against regulations . A stranger with cold hands kept saying , we 're so sorry but you have to leave . Eventually , two police officers escorted us to the parking lot . I made a wild , messy scene . I 'm proud of that . One of the officers said , " We don 't want to have to take you into custody , " and I shouted , " Are you fucking kidding me ? " People walking in and out of the police station stared , pointed , shook their heads . The officer grabbed my elbow , pulled me close enough I could smell coffee on his breath . He leaned closer , said , " I 've got four of my own but you have to leave , " and again , I shouted , " Are you fucking kidding me ? " My throat was raw . All of me was raw . I didn 't give a damn . I would not leave my child alone . Finally , Ben snapped out of his trance and dragged me away . I fought him hard . When he finally got me in the car , he stood by my door . He pointed and said , " Stay , baby , " then ran around to his side of the car . Sweat trickled down his face and neck . There were damp arcs of sweat around my neck and below my armpits . We were rotten , filthy with grief . He turned and looked at me . " You 're stronger than I thought . " I pressed my hand against the car window as we pulled away . I said , " You have no idea . " Later , we drove back to the station , parked a few blocks away , and sat silently near the morgue window in the back until Ben Jr . 's body could be released to us in the morning . Instead of saying something kind , instead of saying nothing when I told my mother my son was dead , she said , " How could you let this happen ? " I started shaking and yelling at her but I made no sense , all yerga ghala fraty ghuja , crazy rage words . Ben took the phone . He said , " How dare you ? " We stayed in the garage that night and the next night and the next night . The refrigerator where we store deer meat and High Life hummed loudly . We 'd listen to it all night , pretending we were asleep , pretending sleep was possible . It was hot in there , smelled like motor oil and dirt and grass clippings . Ben kept his arms wrapped around me , never let me go . We moved to a tent in the backyard until the neighbors complained . We cooked canned food on a small camp stove and drank wine and smoked , while we sat in lawn chairs until we were too tired to stay awake . Ben would say , " Talk to me , " and I 'd try but nothing would come out but dry air . I took a leave of absence from work but Ben kept going to the office , said he needed one thing to make sense . While he was gone , I sat in the parking lot of the fancy grocery store where we bought eight different kinds of olives . Sometimes an employee recognized me and brought me coffee , said , we are so sorry . I heard that phrase so often it started to sound like one word , wearesosorry wesorry sosorry sosorry sosorry . I lost all the baby weight that lingered and more . Ben grew angry when I said I couldn 't eat , said I had no right to ruin myself . One evening , he made my favorite pasta . When I refused to eat , he straddled me as I sat , and force - fed me . I couldn 't keep the food down . Ben got so angry he threw the beautiful clay bowl holding his beautiful pasta on the kitchen floor . He made a terrible mess . His hands clenched into tight fists and I wanted to feel his knuckles against the bone of my jaw . I threw myself into him . I said , " Hit me , " but he wouldn 't . I hit him and hit him and he didn 't stop me . I said , " Hit me or I 'm leaving . " He refused so I left . I slept in my car near the railroad tracks where we used to take Ben Jr . when he couldn 't sleep . My husband found me and told me to come home . I didn 't go home . I found a man who would hit me at a bar . It wasn 't hard . I could smell the anger on him by looking at him . I was drinking Maker 's , wearing nothing much , all bare tits and leg . He sat next to me and ordered me a drink even though I wasn 't halfway through the one I had . He tapped my rings and said , " Where 's your husband ? " I slammed back what was left of my drink and the one he bought me . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . He talked and we drank for hours and when he said , " Let 's go out back , " I let him pull me along . The man pushed me against the wall and covered my mouth with his like he was trying to eat my face . He came up for air , said , " How do you like it , baby ? " I grabbed him by his belt . He tried to kiss me again and I turned away . I said , " I want you to hurt me , " so he did , over and over and over again . I stopped sleeping at home . Every time that man sank his fists into my body , I could breathe a little . I used one hurt to cover another . I became a fiercely tender bruise as he broke down my skin and muscle and bone and blood until I felt nothing but the way he used my body for a few perfect moments every day , moments I 'd worry between my fingers until they were well worn away . Ben grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me . " Say his name . " The baby giggled . She grabbed his shirt and mine , like she was trying to pull us into each other . Ben stilled and looked down at the baby . He let go of me . I clasped the back of his neck and stood on the tips of my toes . I closed my eyes and saw each letter , the shape of our child 's name . I tried to lose myself in my bruising . I put the baby in the playpen and walked to the nursery . Ben followed on my heels . I stood next to the crib , gripping the railing . Our child 's favorite teddy bear was still propped up in one corner . The sleeve of a small t - shirt peeked out from beneath the pillow . And then I couldn 't stand anymore . I fell to my knees , gasping . " Hit me , " I said . I begged . I grabbed his hand and curled his fingers into a fist and held his fist to my breastbone . I said , " Please , if you love me , hit me . " My voice was so ugly and hungered . If Ben would break the broken places in me a little more , if he would break whatever was left of me beneath my skin , I could finally break all the way down . Ben knelt beside me , uncurling his fingers . " I do love you . " He wrapped his arms around me as I reached for air . He was so gentle , so terrible . " My God , please do it , Ben . Please . " A ringing in my ears made it hard to concentrate on anything but the bitter ache in my chest . He pulled his arm back and I watched his fingers tighten back into a fist and I cried out but then he relaxed . " No , " he said . " I will not . " I held on to that crib , shaking it , slamming it into the wall until the bolts loosened , until the crib that held our child broke all the way down too . The B - E - N hanging on the wall above the crib fell to the floor . My arms grew tired and I let go of the broken railing in my hands . Sweat pooled in the small of my back . I thought about shoving everything in that room into my mouth , thought if I tried hard enough , I could make room . Ben leaned forward , pressing his forehead against the ground . " I miss him as much as I love you . I love you as much as I miss him , " I said . I collapsed against him and somehow , we fell asleep like that , breaking against each other . The next morning , we took everything from the nursery and put it in the backyard on our brick patio with the uneven edges . We burned all of it until it was nothing . The neighbors stared from behind parted curtains . They weren 't going to be our neighbors for much longer . I raised my middle finger high in the air . We stood and watched everything melt into a black , hardened mass - toys and sheets and t - shirts and very small shoes and pacifiers , all of it . When the fire finally died , our skin was coated with a thin layer of soot . The air reeked of the scorched memory of things that should not be burned . The baby slept and slept and slept . We stumbled inside and I tore at Ben 's clothes , kissing him hard with the bone of my face , the whites of my teeth , wanting to feel something different even as my body ached sharply , everywhere . Ben folded me over the dining room table , his hand pressed against the back of my head as he entered me . He breathed hotly onto my neck . What we did , the way we sounded , was untamed . In a few weeks , we would hand the keys to our house to a realtor who would eventually sell the house and wire the money to a bank account . We would tell Anna Lisa she would always know where we are . She would tell us she would not follow . We would pack what we needed in our car . We would put the baby in the backseat , listening to her babble happily . We would look back at that girl child , her features growing more and more determined with each passing day , and say this is crazy , this is wrong , this is right , this is wrong . We would drive north and west and north and west until we reached an ocean and rocky shores and green everywhere and a big , big sky to hold the baby up to while she laughed . Before that , though , I kissed Ben , softer , softer . His curls spilled through my fingers . We tasted like the whitest heat of a fire closest to the ground where most things burn . I said Ben Jr . 's name into his mouth , memorized the charred taste of it . More from The Midwest :
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The mother of my boyfriend 's youngest child called in the middle of the night . He was asleep , the heat from his body wrapping around us . I stared at the dark shadows of the ceiling fan lazily spinning above us . He sleeps soundly despite many reasons he should not . The mother of my boyfriend 's youngest child , Anna Lisa , handed me her daughter , still in her carrier , as well as a large duffel bag . She nodded toward the bag . " The baby 's things . " I looked at the baby , neither cute nor ugly , a blob of indeterminate features . We stood quietly , listened to moths and other insects flying into the bright , buzzing lamp covering us in its light . My shoulders ached . The air was damp and heavy . Anna Lisa is beautiful but she looked tired . She wore a loose pair of sweat pants with fading block letters down the left leg . Her t - shirt was stained . Her breasts were swollen . I could see that . Her hair hung limply in her face . She smelled ripe . There were dark circles beneath her eyes . I don 't know that we looked different . I invited her in , offered to give her a bath . I wanted to help her undress , pulling her shirt over her head . I wanted to run a bath of hot water , to wash her body and scrub her back and her thighs , the still loose skin of her stomach , to wash her clean . My husband hates my new boyfriend . I do too . He is the kind of person everyone hates . My husband is the man I love . He likes his eggs scrambled soft with freshly ground pepper , sea salt . I woke up early every morning to make him breakfast , enjoyed the rhythm of it , enjoyed feeling useful in that way . My husband calls me daily , says , " Why are you punishing yourself ? " He says , " Come home . " My boyfriend isn 't really my boyfriend ; he and I aren 't quite living together . We came to a silent agreement where more often than not , I am around . My things are still at my house - four bedrooms , three baths - with my husband . I visit my things , my husband , often . I run my fingers over the modern statue near the front entrance , the dimple in my husband 's chin , the thick , ropy muscles of his shoulders , the mahogany mantle over the fireplace . I belong with these things , they are mine , so I do not stay long . A mosquito bit my cheek and I winced . I pressed my hand to my stomach , ignored the thin roll of scar , how it pulsed against my palm . The baby whimpered so I set the duffel bag just inside the foyer and picked her up out of her carrier , held her against my shoulder . She smelled sweet and powdery and settled as I patted her back , soft , steady . I said there , there baby love . Anna Lisa covered my hand with hers as I comforted her child . Anna Lisa 's hand was sweaty . I sat with the baby in the living room , setting her on a clean blanket . When I tired of watching her , I stretched out , resting my hand on her stomach . I fell asleep with the baby staring at me , her eyes wide open . I sat up quickly , holding a finger to my lips . I stood and pulled him into the bedroom . " Anna Lisa brought the baby last night . She can 't take care of her anymore . " My boyfriend shook his head and reached for his phone , quickly dialing his ex . " This is bullshit , " he muttered . When Anna Lisa didn 't answer , he threw his phone against the wall . " What the hell am I supposed to do with a baby ? " I have read many baby books . After my boyfriend left , I filled the kitchen sink with warm water and soap and washed the baby , gave her a fresh diaper and chose the cutest outfit . I prepared a bottle and fed the baby and she fell back asleep . I did a quick inventory - a stack of neatly folded onesies , seven outfits , a stuffed animal , three bottles and a Ziploc bag filled with nipples , two cans of formula , a half - filled package of baby wipes , six diapers , and a notebook filled with detailed instructions about the baby 's personality , likes and dislikes , daily schedule , what the baby 's different sounds mean , the kind of accounting made possible only by the reach of a mother 's love . We needed to go shopping but first I needed to share this development with my husband . Once or twice a week , he works from home . I found him in his office bare - chested , wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants . He smiled when he saw me and I wanted to crawl inside him . A lot of people decided I went crazy after the accident . They kept waiting for me to strip naked in a shopping mall or eat a cat or something . When I took up with an asshole , they breathed a sigh of relief . " Your situation is still fixable , " my mother said when I was still taking her calls . My husband , Ben , crouched down and tapped the baby on her nose . She smiled and he did it again . He looked up . " You didn 't , like , steal this baby , did you ? " Ben sat , and pulled the baby out of her carrier . He started clapping her hands together and singing a silly song . I felt the scar across my stomach stretch tightly . I ran to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time , heaving until my back ached . That night when my boyfriend came home from work , he was drunk . I heard him at the door trying to make sense of how his key fit into the lock and what he was supposed to do next . I didn 't try to help . The baby was already asleep in a small basket I bought for her at a baby store for people with too much money and no sense . The saleslady who knew me from a different time , looked down at the baby and said , " He 's gotten so big , " because all babies look the same and all women with babies look the same . I bit through my tongue and nodded . My boyfriend finally made his way into the apartment . " Woman , where are you ? Goddamnit , " he said when he realized I was not alone . " That kid is still here ? " He pulled me up from the couch and dragged me into the bedroom . I relaxed , made myself into meat for him . He threw me onto the bed and started unbuckling his belt . " Why are you always so damn quiet ? It creeps me out . " I said nothing . He did not need my voice . He crawled onto the bed , spreading my legs , pulling my jeans down . He lay on top of me , his body so heavy I sank deeply into the mattress . He pressed his boozy lips against my neck , squeezing my breasts between his fingers , reshaping them . It hurt . I groaned . " Say something , " he said . I closed my eyes and hoped the baby couldn 't hear her father . He slapped me and my eyes watered ; the bones in my forehead felt like they would splinter . I turned my head slightly , offering him my face . He clasped my throat and squeezed harder and harder , leaving his mark . I held his gaze . I waited for him to punish me and when he did , it was perfect relief . I looked for a long - sleeved shirt with a high neck but couldn 't find one so I covered myself with a hooded jacket and too much makeup . I talked to the baby in the rearview mirror as we drove . Ben was waiting on the front porch and he came out to the car when we pulled up , carefully removed the baby from her car seat , opened my door for me . " Just like old times , " he said , softly . Ben put the baby in the playpen that has been empty in the corner of our den for months . She began playing with the toys - plastic things that made noise . He sat next to me , pulled the hood of my jacket down . He slammed his fist into the coffee table . One of the books slid onto the floor . " I 'm going to kill him . " A few days later , the baby had a fever . She cried and cried , her face red with tiny , heated rage . I stripped her down to her diaper and stood with her near the open freezer while the air conditioner covered us in frigid air . She wouldn 't stop crying . She missed her mother , I decided . My boyfriend came out of the bedroom , his boxers hanging off his narrow hips at an awkward angle . I held the baby closer , whispering sweetly . He spit into the sink and took another sip of beer . " Suit yourself . " When he grew bored , he wandered back to the bedroom . The baby stopped crying , her body trembling every few minutes as she hiccupped . I sat with her on the balcony because it was cool outside and the air was clean . I called Anna Lisa . The baby held on to my t - shirt , her tiny fingers curling around the cotton . I told her mother about the fever and how Ben and I played with her and took a long walk . I told Anna Lisa how the baby enjoyed bathing in the kitchen sink . I told her about the new outfits . The baby was still fussy in the morning , wouldn 't rest easy in my arms , sweaty and squirming . She barely slept . I barely slept . My boyfriend got mad because she kept making this sound , a high - pitched whimpering , and she wouldn 't stop and it got on his nerves . I lay next to him , waiting for him to explode . He would . He did . I went slack and hoped he would beat me until my bones finally softened . Later , Ben called as the baby wailed lustily like an old sorrowful woman . I admired her for it . " I want to see your face , " he said . In the bedroom , my boyfriend sprawled across the bed on his stomach wearing only a pair of jeans . I asked if he planned on going to work and he grunted something unintelligible . Ben was once again waiting in the driveway for us . He took the baby and jogged slowly toward the house . I leaned back as I watched him . He paused on the porch , waved . I nodded and closed my eyes . Seven months ago , we were in a parking lot at a grocery store , the kind where everything is organic and artisanal and overpriced . For the first time in our marriage , we could afford to shop wherever we wanted . We bought lots of olives in those days because there was an olive bar at the fancy grocery store . The absurdity was irresistible . We made a lot of tapenades . We were adults . We had a boy , who shared his father 's name . He was fourteen months old , still getting used to how his legs moved him , his chubby thighs rolling around each other with each awkward step . He always held his hands in front of him when he walked . We called him BZ or Baby Zombie and sometimes , a lot of the time , we gelled his hair so it stood on end . We took a hundred thousand pictures , the excesses of parents of only children , capturing how he curled his fingers when he neared us and how his nose wrinkled just before he laughed and his eyelashes , they were so long , you could see each one like some perfect extension of his beauty . Our parents thought the zombie nickname was crude . It was funny . Ben and I were flirting as we put the groceries in the trunk . There was a bottle of wine , some organic merlot such and such and a promise of what we were going to do after we drank that wine . I said we didn 't need to wait and he said something about blindfolding the baby for the drive home and we laughed and leaned into each other over the cart to kiss , wet tongue sloppy . Ben Jr . started smacking the handle of the grocery cart , shouting da da da da da . He wanted out so I lifted him , enjoying the weight of his body against the curves between my thumbs and forefingers . I kissed both of his cheeks and his forehead and his father rubbed the baby 's back as I set our boy on the ground . I pulled his hand to my jeans and told him to hold on to me or he 'd have to stay in the cart . He nodded and grinned , his dimples deep and winking as he hugged my leg . I looked at that boy and the man who helped me make him as we stood in the center of a perfect life . The heat of that joy could have burned us all . A young guy walking some shitty little dog passed by . Ben Jr . loved dogs , called them doshi . We have no idea where that came from but it was his word so it became our word . Doshi doshi doshi . He shouted , " Doshi , " and let go of me and when he let go , when I no longer felt that tug , I was so cold and hollow . There was nothing holding me to the ground . Ben Jr . started running and both Ben and I leapt after him but those tiny , chubby legs of his , when they wanted to , they moved real fast and we were still happy so it was hard to make sense of the urgency . Our son chased the doshi , his arms in front of him like he intended to make that dog undead . An eighty - four year old woman , Helen McGuigan , came barreling through the parking lot . She couldn 't see my little boy over the hood of her 1974 Grand Prix , a real tank of a car . Ben and I screamed . Ben Jr . stopped and turned to look at us , was so startled by the pitch of our voices , he cried . The last thing my child did was cry because he was scared . He held his arms higher , the way he does , the way he did , when he wanted to be held . The curves between my thumbs and forefingers throbbed violently . When the car ran him over , I did not look away . I saw what happened to my boy 's body . I saw everything , all of him , everywhere . I don 't allow myself to be around dogs anymore . I could kill them all , every last one of those dirty animals with their wagging tails and long hanging tongues . I cannot stand the stink of them . Ben and I did not go to the funeral . After the viewing , after seeing the impossible size of that coffin , we had nothing left . Our families could not understand . During the funeral we sat on the floor of Ben 's nursery , waiting for him to come home . We are still sitting there . Ben called my name . He stood on the porch , handsome , his hair wild and curly , the baby strapped to his chest . I swallowed hard as I got out of the car . In the corner of the yard , I saw a red plastic bat . Acid burned my throat and before I could stop myself , I puked over the hedges lining the house . We used to trim them together . We 'd wake up on Saturday mornings and say , " We are doing yard work today . " We 'd giggle because our fathers do yard work , raking their yards in sandals and knee high socks . Ben rushed to me and rubbed my back . He said soft soothing things . He led me into the house and gave me water . I drank but my lips remained parched . My husband rolled my shirt up further , hissing . My heart sank . I had no energy for pretending he couldn 't see what was there . " What the fuck is this ? Seriously , babe , what the fuck is this ? " He pulled my shirt up around my shoulders and slowly turned me around . I couldn 't look him in the eye . He traced an angry , spreading bruise along my ribcage , dark purple , almost black around the edges . I winced . " That 's it , " Ben said . " That really is it , Natasha . " He unstrapped the baby from his chest and handed her to me . " Stay here . " He shook his head and ran out of the house . He kicked the car door before he opened it , kept kicking the door until it caved . I 've never seen him so angry . He pointed at me . " Don 't you dare leave . " I watched as he sped away . I took the baby into our bedroom and lay on my side , holding the baby to my chest , inhaling her warm , milky breath . She finally stopped fussing and we fell asleep . When I woke up , Ben was sitting in the reading chair near the foot of the bed . I sat slowly and pulled my knees to my chest . There was a bruise on his chin and his knuckles were red raw like meat . I pressed my forehead against my knees . My chest was empty . It was nice for someone to tell me what to do . Ben stood and took the baby , still asleep . He disappeared with her and was alone when he returned . He set a baby monitor on the end table and crawled into the bed next to me . It is hard to breathe in a house with no air but I tried . I stretched myself against him and when he started to undress me I let him . My desire for him was unabated . My tongue could not forget the taste of his skin , his mouth . Pale evening light filled the room , enough light for us to see each other plainly . He kissed the bruises along my collarbone , around my navel , the dark spreads of purple on my upper arms , my thighs , in the small of my back . It had been a long time since a man touched me gently - such luxury . I had almost forgotten . Ben held my face in his hands as he kissed me , and then , I fell into his tongue in my mouth , his mouth on my breasts , his fingers between my thighs . He filled me in a way that let me know he was taking me back . I opened myself to let him . I kissed his red raw meat knuckles and his chin and wrapped my arms around him . I said , " Hold me to the ground . " It was late , crying from another room . I lay on my back , Ben 's body half covering mine as he slept . I covered my chest with my hand , rubbed softly like that might move my heart back to its proper place . Still there was crying from another room . I tried to remember when I was . My mouth was dry and sorrow , my lips still parched , my eyes dry . Everything was dry . I ran my fingers through Ben 's hair . The crying grew louder so I kissed my husband 's head and slipped out of bed , tried to remember the geography of the room I had not slept in for months . My breasts ached uncomfortably , engorged with the milk of sweetly spoiled fruit . Ben 's shirt lay on the floor and I pulled it on then held my hand to the wall as I walked to the nursery . When I turned on the light , the baby rolled over and blinked . The room still smelled like my son . He was there even though he was not there . I could feel him in my fingers . I picked the baby up and cradled her along the length of my arm , the weight of her nearly tearing my heart out of me . We went outside for fresh air , sat on the patio Ben and I built ourselves , all brick , more yard work . I called Anna Lisa . She answered again after seven rings . The baby shifted in my arms . I traced her little lips with my finger . " What am I going to do with you ? " I asked . She cooed and grabbed my finger , wouldn 't let go , so we sat like that for a long time , her grip growing tighter and tighter . I thought she might break me too . Damp circles spread across Ben 's shirt . No matter what I did , my milk refused to dry . My body needed something to feed . When I went inside , Ben was holding his phone and car keys . His hair stood on end . He looked so young , like when we first met . We were freshmen in college and he chased me across a quad because he liked the pink streak in my hair . He said he always knew he would love a woman with a three - syllable name . I wasn 't sure which Ben I was looking at and then he came to me and pressed his nose in my hair and told me I smelled like the night air . I looked down at the baby . " She 's coming with us . For now . Until her mom can take her . The baby won 't fix what 's wrong . I 'm not crazy the way everyone thinks . I know who this baby is and who she isn 't . " " You can say his name . " Ben 's eyes met mine . Our son had his eyes . There was a time when I wondered if I could stand to look at my husband for the rest of my life . " Say his name , " Ben said . When Ben Jr . was born , we had been married for seven years . We are both only children . We were still young but our parents had resigned themselves to not having grandchildren and then this bright beautiful boy found his way to all of us . After the accident , I called my mother to tell her what happened . I told her while sitting on the front porch because I couldn 't be in the house where there was no air . Ben sat next to me . We held the phone between our cheeks . My mother moaned when I explained to her that my son was a bloody stretch on the hot pavement of a parking lot , that he was driven out of his shoes , that he was lying somewhere , alone and cold . I tried to stay in the morgue with Ben Jr . the day he died but it was against regulations . A stranger with cold hands kept saying , we 're so sorry but you have to leave . Eventually , two police officers escorted us to the parking lot . I made a wild , messy scene . I 'm proud of that . One of the officers said , " We don 't want to have to take you into custody , " and I shouted , " Are you fucking kidding me ? " People walking in and out of the police station stared , pointed , shook their heads . The officer grabbed my elbow , pulled me close enough I could smell coffee on his breath . He leaned closer , said , " I 've got four of my own but you have to leave , " and again , I shouted , " Are you fucking kidding me ? " My throat was raw . All of me was raw . I didn 't give a damn . I would not leave my child alone . Finally , Ben snapped out of his trance and dragged me away . I fought him hard . When he finally got me in the car , he stood by my door . He pointed and said , " Stay , baby , " then ran around to his side of the car . Sweat trickled down his face and neck . There were damp arcs of sweat around my neck and below my armpits . We were rotten , filthy with grief . He turned and looked at me . " You 're stronger than I thought . " I pressed my hand against the car window as we pulled away . I said , " You have no idea . " Later , we drove back to the station , parked a few blocks away , and sat silently near the morgue window in the back until Ben Jr . 's body could be released to us in the morning . Instead of saying something kind , instead of saying nothing when I told my mother my son was dead , she said , " How could you let this happen ? " I started shaking and yelling at her but I made no sense , all yerga ghala fraty ghuja , crazy rage words . Ben took the phone . He said , " How dare you ? " We stayed in the garage that night and the next night and the next night . The refrigerator where we store deer meat and High Life hummed loudly . We 'd listen to it all night , pretending we were asleep , pretending sleep was possible . It was hot in there , smelled like motor oil and dirt and grass clippings . Ben kept his arms wrapped around me , never let me go . We moved to a tent in the backyard until the neighbors complained . We cooked canned food on a small camp stove and drank wine and smoked , while we sat in lawn chairs until we were too tired to stay awake . Ben would say , " Talk to me , " and I 'd try but nothing would come out but dry air . I took a leave of absence from work but Ben kept going to the office , said he needed one thing to make sense . While he was gone , I sat in the parking lot of the fancy grocery store where we bought eight different kinds of olives . Sometimes an employee recognized me and brought me coffee , said , we are so sorry . I heard that phrase so often it started to sound like one word , wearesosorry wesorry sosorry sosorry sosorry . I lost all the baby weight that lingered and more . Ben grew angry when I said I couldn 't eat , said I had no right to ruin myself . One evening , he made my favorite pasta . When I refused to eat , he straddled me as I sat , and force - fed me . I couldn 't keep the food down . Ben got so angry he threw the beautiful clay bowl holding his beautiful pasta on the kitchen floor . He made a terrible mess . His hands clenched into tight fists and I wanted to feel his knuckles against the bone of my jaw . I threw myself into him . I said , " Hit me , " but he wouldn 't . I hit him and hit him and he didn 't stop me . I said , " Hit me or I 'm leaving . " He refused so I left . I slept in my car near the railroad tracks where we used to take Ben Jr . when he couldn 't sleep . My husband found me and told me to come home . I didn 't go home . I found a man who would hit me at a bar . It wasn 't hard . I could smell the anger on him by looking at him . I was drinking Maker 's , wearing nothing much , all bare tits and leg . He sat next to me and ordered me a drink even though I wasn 't halfway through the one I had . He tapped my rings and said , " Where 's your husband ? " I slammed back what was left of my drink and the one he bought me . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . He talked and we drank for hours and when he said , " Let 's go out back , " I let him pull me along . The man pushed me against the wall and covered my mouth with his like he was trying to eat my face . He came up for air , said , " How do you like it , baby ? " I grabbed him by his belt . He tried to kiss me again and I turned away . I said , " I want you to hurt me , " so he did , over and over and over again . I stopped sleeping at home . Every time that man sank his fists into my body , I could breathe a little . I used one hurt to cover another . I became a fiercely tender bruise as he broke down my skin and muscle and bone and blood until I felt nothing but the way he used my body for a few perfect moments every day , moments I 'd worry between my fingers until they were well worn away . Ben grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me . " Say his name . " The baby giggled . She grabbed his shirt and mine , like she was trying to pull us into each other . Ben stilled and looked down at the baby . He let go of me . I clasped the back of his neck and stood on the tips of my toes . I closed my eyes and saw each letter , the shape of our child 's name . I tried to lose myself in my bruising . I put the baby in the playpen and walked to the nursery . Ben followed on my heels . I stood next to the crib , gripping the railing . Our child 's favorite teddy bear was still propped up in one corner . The sleeve of a small t - shirt peeked out from beneath the pillow . And then I couldn 't stand anymore . I fell to my knees , gasping . " Hit me , " I said . I begged . I grabbed his hand and curled his fingers into a fist and held his fist to my breastbone . I said , " Please , if you love me , hit me . " My voice was so ugly and hungered . If Ben would break the broken places in me a little more , if he would break whatever was left of me beneath my skin , I could finally break all the way down . Ben knelt beside me , uncurling his fingers . " I do love you . " He wrapped his arms around me as I reached for air . He was so gentle , so terrible . " My God , please do it , Ben . Please . " A ringing in my ears made it hard to concentrate on anything but the bitter ache in my chest . He pulled his arm back and I watched his fingers tighten back into a fist and I cried out but then he relaxed . " No , " he said . " I will not . " I held on to that crib , shaking it , slamming it into the wall until the bolts loosened , until the crib that held our child broke all the way down too . The B - E - N hanging on the wall above the crib fell to the floor . My arms grew tired and I let go of the broken railing in my hands . Sweat pooled in the small of my back . I thought about shoving everything in that room into my mouth , thought if I tried hard enough , I could make room . Ben leaned forward , pressing his forehead against the ground . " I miss him as much as I love you . I love you as much as I miss him , " I said . I collapsed against him and somehow , we fell asleep like that , breaking against each other . The next morning , we took everything from the nursery and put it in the backyard on our brick patio with the uneven edges . We burned all of it until it was nothing . The neighbors stared from behind parted curtains . They weren 't going to be our neighbors for much longer . I raised my middle finger high in the air . We stood and watched everything melt into a black , hardened mass - toys and sheets and t - shirts and very small shoes and pacifiers , all of it . When the fire finally died , our skin was coated with a thin layer of soot . The air reeked of the scorched memory of things that should not be burned . The baby slept and slept and slept . We stumbled inside and I tore at Ben 's clothes , kissing him hard with the bone of my face , the whites of my teeth , wanting to feel something different even as my body ached sharply , everywhere . Ben folded me over the dining room table , his hand pressed against the back of my head as he entered me . He breathed hotly onto my neck . What we did , the way we sounded , was untamed . In a few weeks , we would hand the keys to our house to a realtor who would eventually sell the house and wire the money to a bank account . We would tell Anna Lisa she would always know where we are . She would tell us she would not follow . We would pack what we needed in our car . We would put the baby in the backseat , listening to her babble happily . We would look back at that girl child , her features growing more and more determined with each passing day , and say this is crazy , this is wrong , this is right , this is wrong . We would drive north and west and north and west until we reached an ocean and rocky shores and green everywhere and a big , big sky to hold the baby up to while she laughed . Before that , though , I kissed Ben , softer , softer . His curls spilled through my fingers . We tasted like the whitest heat of a fire closest to the ground where most things burn . I said Ben Jr . 's name into his mouth , memorized the charred taste of it . More from The Midwest :
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Back ChaptersStory Index1 . Muggle Studies2 . The Parenting Project3 . Day Two4 . Pink is for Positive5 . A Family Outing6 . Runaway Hormones7 . The Engagement Party8 . Seeking the Truth9 . Let 's Just Be Friends10 . Bats or Cannons ? 11 . Above the Clouds12 . Hurtful Bludgers13 . Candlewick 's Letter14 . A Walk in the Park15 . The Date16 . A Girl 's Day Out17 . The Morning After18 . To Love or Not To Love ? 19 . The Witch Named Gwen20 . Sleepness Nights21 . The Mother In - Law22 . Breakfast At The Manor23 . Baby Potter24 . Surprise ! 25 . Chapter 25 : Declan Next Playing House with Malfoy by DMlover Hermione walked grudgingly to the living room holding the pillow Malfoy shoved at her and a blanket she found in the hall closet . She should have known Malfoy wouldn 't have a chivalrous bone in his body . No they had to flip for the bed and just her luck , she lost , which meant now she would be sleeping on the sofa . Hermione walked into the living , staring at her temporary bed that she would be sleeping in . If she wasn 't mistaken the sofa looked a lot smaller than it did earlier that day . She arranged the pillow she had and the blanket , than laid down . Yep , just as she expected . When she laid down flat , her feet dangled over the edge . The creases in the cushions were digging in her back . She felt like she had no room to move or else she 'll roll over the end . This was going to be a long uncomfortable night , but she was so tired , she might as well try to get some sleep . After tossing and turning , trying to find the most comfortable position . Hermione finally fell asleep , only to be awakened by a cry . Hermione sat up and rubbed her eyes and rolled her shoulders trying to stretch out her achy joints . Standing up she padded softly down the hallway towards the nursery . Hermione glared at the door that led to the master bedroom . It was still shut , which meant Malfoy was asleep and didn 't hear Crissy or he didn 't care . She softly opened the door to the nursery , so she wouldn 't startled Crissy , who was fussing in her crib . " What 's wrong ? Can 't sleep ? " Crissy sniffled again and laid her head against her shoulder while sticking her thumb in her mouth to suck . " It 's okay , I couldn 't sleep either . " Hermione told her as she rubbed Crissy 's back to sooth her . " Mal … you 're father thought it was funny to make me sleep on the sofa . When you get older and you have a husband or a boyfriend and they make you sleep on the sofa instead of giving you the nice big comfy bed . Then my advice would be to dump them . A real man wouldn 't let the woman he loves or cares about sleep on the hard lumpy sofa . " Hermione smiled and kissed her head through her soft baby curls . She started humming as she continued to rub Crissy 's back . It just felt like the natural thing to do . At first it was just a random tune that she was humming . It soon turned into a song she remembered her mother used to sing to her when she was little and couldn 't sleep . And before she knew it , she was adding words to the song . Hermione wasn 't a singer by any means , but she could at least attempt to carry a tune . And she didn 't dare allow her voice to go above a whisper for fear Malfoy would hear . It would just be another thing to mock her about if he heard . Crissy didn 't seem to be complaining about her voice , so she didn 't bother stopping . Draco didn 't know what was wrong with him , and why he couldn 't sleep . He was in a huge , comfortable bed and yet as soon as Granger left the room he couldn 't sleep , kept tossing and turning . Surely he wasn 't feeling guilty over taking the bed from her , because he won fair and square . Maybe it was trying to sleep in a strange place ? But that didn 't make sense either , as long as he had a pillow under his head , he could sleep just about anywhere . It almost felt like something was missing . The bed was almost too big for one person that it felt empty with just himself in it . Which was madness because this is the same size bed he had back at the Malfoy Manor , and never once has he felt as if he were being swallowed whole in the bed . He ended up laying on his back staring up at the ceiling . Maybe sleep will eventually come if he became bored enough . But damn - it if he couldn 't stop thinking of Granger in that silk number she had on earlier that morning . She made a huge show of putting on a pair of ugly sweat pants and the baggiest t - shirt he 'd ever seen . It practically covered her from head to toe , the sweat pants weren 't even necessary . But then it would be as if she were wearing a dress or in this case a nightgown , which meant her legs would be bare and that meant it would give him easy access to … No damn - it ! He cursed ; he had to stop thinking about Granger and her legs . It was disturbing and he should be disgusted by it … but yet , he wasn 't and it was pissing him off . He tried to distract himself by thinking about his quidditch practice tomorrow . Draco wondered what it was going to be like . He hoped he wouldn 't foul anything up . He didn 't even know any of the plays or the players for that matter . He heard Crissy crying from her room . He wasn 't exactly sure what to do . Crissy didn 't sound like she was crying very hard . Maybe she will cry herself back to sleep ? When the crying didn 't stop he sat up getting ready to go check on her when he heard Granger 's voice . It sounded like she was in the room with him . But she was clearly talking to the baby . He turned on the bedside lamp and noticed that he was indeed alone in the room , but why did her voice sound so close , like she was right there ? He looked around to see if he could spot where the sound was coming from . He noticed a white plastic box . He picked it up and held it to his ear . That was it ; it was where the voices were coming from , like some sort of listening device . He heard Granger talking to Crissy and realized that she was talking about him . He listened to her rant on about how he made her sleep on the sofa and that he wasn 't man enough to let her have the bed . He smirked . So she was upset that she lost the coin toss ? Well winner 's keepers , losers weepers , or whatever that muggle saying was . He was about to go to the nursery himself and tell Granger to stop whining and also that he could hear every word that she was saying . Until she started singing . He didn 't realize it at first that it was Granger doing the singing , but then again it certainly wasn 't Crissy . He stopped and listened . All the teasing went out of him as he listened to her . Yeah , she probably had absolutely no idea that he could hear her from the bedroom . He couldn 't go in the nursery now and tease her about it , because then she would stop and probably blush like she always did . Then he would probably be held responsible if Crissy couldn 't go back to sleep . And we wasn 't that cruel , to deprive a baby from being able to sleep . Draco went back over to the bed and laid down lacing his hands behind his head and continued to listen . She wasn 't a musical genius or anything but she could carry a tune . He was trying to figure out the song she was singing . It sounded like a lullaby , but not one he was familiar with . It was something about finding a rainbow ? Or going over a rainbow ? He didn 't know and didn 't really care . He just liked listening to her voice . He shut his eyes and continued to listen , it was rather calming and he felt himself began to drift off to sleep . Soon the singing turned into a soft humming , and then eventually stopped altogether . Crissy must have finally went back to sleep , because he didn 't hear anything else after that . He too finally drifted off to sleep . Draco woke up early , anxious to start the day and go to his first quidditch practice . He got out of bed and went to the bathroom to grab a quick shower . Once he was finished he grabbed his Ballycastle Bats quidditch robes and bag , and then walked out the bedroom and into the living room . The place was quiet . He set his bag and robes on the dining table and creeped over to the sofa and peeked over . Hermione was sound asleep , with the blanket around her waist and her feet dangling over the edge . Her hair was loose , spreading out along her pillow , her lips slightly parted as she breathed evenly . She obviously didn 't know he was in the room , and the more he thought about it , the more he decided he needed to leave before she woke up and saw him staring at her . He heard giggling . Draco slowly opened the door and peeked inside . Crissy was sitting in her crib , playing with her dragon or Gus the 2nd as he liked to think of him , named after his own toy dragon he had as a boy . Ga - ga to Crissy though . He still had Gus somewhere hidden in the depths of his closet , probably back at the Manor . As he walked closer to her crib , he could tell right away that she needed a change in diaper . Damn , where was Granger when he needed her ? He picked Crissy up and took her over to the changing table . Trying to remember what Granger showed him the other day . ' Remember to keep Crissy distracted and entertained , so she doesn 't squirm all over the place . ' he remembered her mentioning . He made a face as he discarded the dirty diaper . Crissy giggled and stuck her hand in her mouth . Once he had her all cleaned and dressed , he picked her up . Walking out the door he nearly ran into Granger . " Oh sorry . " She said looking tired . " I was just going to go check on her . " She stepped out of the way so he could pass . She scowled at him . " You try sleeping on that sofa for a night and you 'd look and feel awful too . " She ran a hand through her curly hair . " Since you already taken care of her , do you think you can handle feeding her as well while I take a shower ? " she said yawning . " Oh right I forgot . Well I 'll make it quick . " Hermione began to walk passed him , but paused to run her hand through Crissy 's curls . " Morning Crissy . " Then continued to walk towards the bedroom . Draco tensed when Hermione got near , for some reason he thought she was about to reach out and touch him , but when her hand went to Crissy instead he found himself being … disappointed ? This didn 't make sense . He could smell the jasmine scent coming off her skin and it lingered in the hallway as she passed him . He shook his head trying to clear his bizarre thoughts and made his way into the kitchen to feed Crissy breakfast . Hermione felt awful . Why did they choose that sofa anyway ? It was the most uncomfortable piece of furniture she had ever laid on . She let the hot water run down her achy bones and sore muscles . Maybe she was getting sick . Her head hurt , she was exhausted but couldn 't sleep , she was hungry one minute and vomiting the next . She completely forgot that Malfoy had practice today , now she would have to take care of Crissy by herself . Which wouldn 't be a horrible thing . But it wouldn 't be easy especially if she 's sick . " No you never said it . But you got to admit that if you don 't know how to do something , you study books and other materials until you have it down pact . This is why most people dubbed you with the unfortunate nickname the ' know - it - all . ' " Hermione shrugged even though he wasn 't looking at her . " I don 't know . I guess I always saw myself working at the ministry or teaching maybe . " Draco placed the baby spoon in the now empty carrot jar and leaned back . " You can see yourself doing either of those things ? " he asked skeptically . " What is that supposed to mean ? What do you really want to do when you grow up ? " " I guess if I could have any dream job in the world . I would want to be a writer . And why are you all of sudden asking me all these personal questions anyway ? He raised his hands up . " Hey don 't get full of yourself Granger , and besides need I remind you , you started it . And by the way if you really want to know what you do for a living , you should go over to the bookshelf and look . " He said nodding towards the bookshelf in the living room . " What ? " Hermione walked over to the bookshelf and sure enough , there were eight novels sitting on the fourth shelf . " Oh my gosh , I can 't believe this . " She grinned and pulled one out to look at . Hermione flipped it over and read the back . It was a non - fiction novel . She had always wanted to be a novelist , always writing random creative stories . But she was always afraid to show them to people , afraid they wouldn 't like her writing . She flipped through the first couple of pages . She happened to flip to the dedication page . This book is dedicated to my love , Draco . She closed the book with a snap . That was weird . She put that book back and pulled out another and opened it . It was dedicated to him as well , not the same exact message , but one similar to it . " Right . " He said , sounding like he didn 't believe her . " Well I gotta get going . " " Okay well … have fun . " Hermione said walking back into the kitchen . She rolled her eyes . " I just thought that maybe we could attempt to be somewhat civilized towards each other . Since we 're stuck in this situation together . " " Yeah well I 'm not holding my breath either . " She mimicked his famous smirk back at him . " Just remember to watch what you say . I don 't think we should say anything to anyone about our situation until we know exactly what 's going on . " " Yeah , I 'll do my best , I don 't want anyone to think I 'm mad or anything . " He leaned in to kiss Crissy on the forehead . " Bye Princess , see you later . " Hermione was dumbstruck . She didn 't think she would ever see the day when Draco Malfoy would be openly affectionate towards something , without being crude . Yeah he held Crissy yesterday and played with her , but that was it . Even though it was just the three of them it was still weird … but sweet , to see him be so tender with her . She went over to clean the carrot mush that was all over Crissy face and fingers . Then went to the refrigerator to get breakfast for herself . She wasn 't terribly hungry , but she needed to eat something since she didn 't eat much the day before . She scanned the shelves , nothing looked or sounded good . Then her eyes landed on a jar of pickles . She hated pickles , but for some reason they were calling her name and she had the urge to try one . Hermione took the jar out and opened the lid . She pulled one out , thinking how she always hated the sour taste of them and couldn 't stand the slimy yet crunchy texture they had . She took a hesitant bite and rolled her eyes in ecstasy . It tasted like heaven . It was exactly what she had been craving all day . She popped the whole thing in her mouth , savoring it until the last bite . She then took another , then another . She didn 't know why she had never liked them before , now she was eating them as if they were candy . She took the jar with her as she looked through the cabinets . She noticed that they were getting short on food . The cereal box was more than half empty . The milk was almost gone . Crissy had only two baby food jars left . She looked down at her jar of pickles and noticed that they were all gone now too . And other various foods needed to be bought or replaced . Hermione set her now empty jar of pickles down and grabbed a notepad and pen and starting making a list of all the things they needed . Malfoy got to leave the house for the day , who says she couldn 't either . Crissy and her were going to make an outing to the grocery store today . She went ahead and added other various toiletries that were needed on the list as well . Once she had Crissy changed and ready to go , Hermione was about to leave when she remembered she needed some sort of diaper bag for Crissy in case she had an accident or needed something to eat and whatnot . She found a large back that had large pockets and lots of storage ; there were already extra diapers , baby wipes , baby powder , a pacifier , and toys to entertain her with inside it . So she went ahead and added some snacks and bottles of formula or juice to it as well . Then grabbed her purse , wand and grocery list . She was about to apparate out , but then thought differently . First she didn 't know exactly where they were or where the nearest store was . And second she couldn 't just apparate to a muggle store , especially if she didn 't know where she was going . And thirdly she has never apparated with a baby before , sure it was possible , but she was afraid to take that risk and what if Crissy didn 't like it ? Hermione walked out the kitchen through a door she hadn 't been through before . This certainly looked like your everyday muggle house , surely it had a garage attached to it and maybe even a car . She walked in to what appeared to be the laundry room and on the other side it led to the garage , just as she expected . She walked in and found that they had two cars . One was a black sports car , most likely that was Malfoy 's , if he even knew how to drive . She highly doubted it . The other car was a minivan . It figures , once you become a parent , sometimes you have to give up style in order to be practical . She just prayed that the van had a car seat for Crissy . Once Crissy was buckled in , Hermione grabbed the keys and made sure she had money for groceries and did a double check to make sure she didn 't miss anything . And just to be safe she jotted down their address , just in case they got lost along the way or coming back . It turned out that they actually lived in a neighborhood , where they had actual neighbors , instead of being in the middle of nowhere . But fortunately the houses weren 't that close together , giving them enough space for privacy , but not being completely isolated either . The store wasn 't far and she managed to get everything on her list . She also shamefully got five more jars of pickles … they were on sale and that 's the story she was sticking with . By the time they got back home , it was time for Crissy 's nap . Once Hermione finally got her to sleep , she went back to the kitchen to make herself a ham sandwich for lunch . She took the sandwich with a side of pickles into the living room and flipped on the telly , keeping the volume down so she wouldn 't wake Crissy . Hermione sat down in one of the arm chairs in the room , not wanting to sit on the sofa until she absolutely had to . She took a bite of her sandwich and tried to swallow it , but couldn 't . She had to spit it out . It tasted horrible , like the meat went bad and was rotten . She took the top piece of bread off and hesitantly took a whiff of the meat . It smelled fine , but tasted awful . She took a small piece of ham and ate it , forcing herself to swallow it , which was a big mistake . He stomach rolled . She sat her plate on the coffee table , and braced her hands on her knees trying to breathe through her nose , to ease her queasiness . She was feeling fine only seconds ago . Maybe she was having a bad reaction to the pickles that she practically inhaled for breakfast . She stood quickly and made her way to the bathroom , getting that panicky feeling that she gets when she 's about to vomit , but doesn 't want to . Hermione went to the dining table where the pile of books were still sitting . She sorted through them trying to find one to study , nothing really looked interesting . At the bottom of the pile she found one book called , What to Expect when you 're Expecting . What would a book like that be in this pile of parenting books ? They already had Crissy , why would they need a book on pregnancy ? She couldn 't be pregnant again … could she ? There was no way that she could be pregnant with Malfoy 's baby . It was too weird to think about . The random bouts of sickness were nothing , just food poisoning or the flu … not morning sickness . She ran a hand down her flat belly . Yeah it was absolutely impossible . She put the book back in the bottom of the pile so she wouldn 't see it . She didn 't know what to expect here , and she felt totally unprepared which scared the hell out of here . She grabbed a glass of water and some crackers to nibble on . Maybe it will help settle her stomach . She watched some more TV just trying to relax . She was about to fall asleep when she heard Crissy getting fussy . Hermione went and got Crissy and brought her into the kitchen . She put her in her highchair so she could feed her a snack . She went and got some cereal and poured a few pieces onto her tray to nibble on , and filled one of her bottles with some juice . Hermione decided that even though it was still fairly early , that she would start preparing something for dinner . She had no idea what time Malfoy would be back , but surely he would be back before nightfall . She decided to make pot roast , because it took time cook and frankly it was one of the only things she knew how to make . Give her a potions assignment any day , but cooking was a different story . Once she put everything together , she put it in the oven to cook it low and slow and set the timer . It was such a nice day out . Hermione decided to spend some time outdoors while they waited for dinner to cook . They had a really spacious fenced in backyard , with flowerbeds full of colorful blooming flowers . She made sure Crissy 's fair skin would be protected from the late afternoon sun , so she slathered on some sunblock and made sure Crissy wore a hat . Hermione changed into a tank top and some shorts ; she secured her hair up in a knot so it was off her neck . She found an old blanket and brought it out to lie on , along with some of Crissy 's toys including her dragon and Hermione picked up on of the novels she wrote to read as well as some parchment and a quill so she could brainstorm more ideas on how they got here in the first place , and what options they had to try to get back . It was just the right temperature outside , not to hot and not too chilly . She loved this backyard . She could picture someday having a children 's playground set off to the side , or maybe a tree house or a tire swing on the giant oak tree that shaded half the yard . Hermione gave up on trying to think , she was getting to distracted so she laid on her back on the blanket in the shade of the tree as she watched Crissy play with a set of alphabet blocks . Draco was exhausted after practice . Fortunately practice was held just like he was used to at Hogwarts on the Slytherins team . Running drills over and over , conditioning , building up strength , flying laps at different speeds . Luckily the team was learning a new play so he wasn 't the only one who was a little lost when they practiced strategies . He already knew some of his teammates from watching them play on the Ballycastle Bats from years before , most he 's never seen or heard of before . Thank Merlin each teammate had their last name printed on their robes otherwise he would have been calling everyone by ' hey you . ' He was ready to get home and take a nice hot shower . Home , he never thought of that word as being something special . Home was just a place he lived , where his father lived . In a cold , dark , dank manor . But thinking of home now , meant something more , something warm and inviting , a place he actually could see himself enjoying being at . He shook his head to clear it . The home he was thinking about was fake , make believe . A place where Granger was at , which was rubbish . If he had any say in this he would want to go home to someone who was … well someone who wasn 't Granger or someone who wasn 't everything he had been taught to hate . Damn - it he didn 't want to think about any of this , he just wanted to get back , take a shower and eat a nice dinner . Although he was excited to see Crissy . He never pictured himself having children or even liking them . Yet he wasn 't sure why but that curly haired bundled brought a smile to his face every time he saw her or thought of her . He apparated , picturing their midsize kitchen inside their moderate house . Draco arrived with a pop . He could smell something strange , like a burning smell . He looked around , nothing was on fire . He was about to call out for Granger when he saw her through the window lying out under a large oak tree . Crissy was crawling besides her with a look of joy upon her face as she was giggling . Granger 's legs and arms were bare , reminding him of how she looked when they awakened the other day . Her feet were bare too and for some reason he found that very appealing . Her hair was piled up in a knot on top her head . He forgotten how many times his fingers twitched to remove the clip keeping her hair in place . He didn 't understand why she kept her hair so long only to tie it back . He stepped out the door leading to the backyard . Granger was now lying on her side , facing away from him so she didn 't see him enter the backyard . He could hear her playing peek - a - boo with Crissy . Crissy climbed on top of Granger , holding onto her waist for balance . He could hear Granger 's laughter as she encouraged Crissy to stand up as she help supported her with her hand . She became alert . " Oh no the roast . I opened the windows so I would hear the timer go off . Will you watch her for a second ? " Hermione said standing up and ran bare foot across the lawn into the house . " I don 't care , just something edible if you don 't mind . " Draco said setting Crissy in her play - pin . " You can choose . Meanwhile I 'm going to take a shower . " He walked down the hall towards the bedroom . I think I liked it better when he wasn 't here , Hermione thought to herself . What did she feel like eating tonight ? She went over to the kitchen counter and looked through a pile of takeout menus they 've collected over the years . A Chinese takeout menu was on top and her stomach growled in hunger . Chinese it is then . Luckily they delivered , so she didn 't have to leave . She found a telephone and dialed their number . While it rang she looked over the menu , thinking just about everything sounded good . After she hung up , she realized that she ordered enough food to feed a family of five if not more . But in her defense , she was really hungry and she barely had anything to eat for lunch . And she didn 't know what Malfoy liked or didn 't like , so she needed options . As she waited for the food to arrive , she discarded the burnt pot roast . Then started preparing Crissy 's dinner . She looked around for her purse to pay the delivery man . It wasn 't in the kitchen or the living room . She then realized that she left it in the bedroom when she went and changed clothes earlier . The delivery man was due any moment and Malfoy was taking a shower . Maybe she could just run in there really fast , grab her purse and get out . She made sure Crissy would be okay as she ran to the bedroom for a few seconds . She walked down the hallway towards the bedroom . The door was shut and she wasn 't sure if she should knock or just walk in . she pressed her ear to the door and listened for any sound . She didn 't hear anything so maybe he was still in the shower . She opened the door slowly , calling out to Malfoy telling him she needed her purse . No one answered so she peeked her head through the door and looked around . He was still in the bathroom , thank god . She walked into the room , looking around for her purse . She spotted it sitting on top the dresser next to the bathroom door . She rushed over to get it just as Malfoy stepped out of the bathroom door , wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist . Hermione tripped over her own feet and her body pitched forward , nearly colliding into him . Draco reached out just in time and caught her around her arms . His hands easily fit around her arms and his strength easily kept her from falling . The second his hands touched her bare skin , electric sizzles shot down her limbs all the way to the tips of her toes . Goosebumps raised on her skin against the warmth coming from his hands . Her nose was only inches away from his bare chest . It took everything in her power not to inhale his spicy scent , which was only more intense against his damp skin . If she wasn 't mistaken , she could have sworn that his voice sounded huskier , but then again she couldn 't hear much except the pounding of her heart . " S … sorry . I um … I just uh needed to get my purse . " She straighten up and looked everywhere except at him . " Okay … " he drawled out . She could practically hear the smirk in his voice as he let go of her arms . She suddenly felt disappointed that he was no longer touching her . This was crazy and stupid . Draco stepped away from her and she reached and grabbed her purse just as the doorbell rang . Shutting the door behind her she could hear Malfoy laughing . Merlin she was so lame . It not like she hadn 't seen him undressed before . Just yesterday morning she woke up to him wearing nothing but boxers . He probably thought she was some blushing , inexperienced school girl … which okay she was , but he would never find out just how inexperienced she is . She paid the delivery man and took the food into the dining room . Removing the food containers out of the bag , when Malfoy came in thankfully wearing a t - shirt and jeans , his feet were bare . He picked Crissy up out of her play - pin and set her in her highchair , which Hermione moved closer to the table . Damn - it , now he felt guilty . " Relax Granger . I was just joking . Eat as much as you want , the fewer leftovers we have the better . I wasn 't trying to make a jab at your eating habits or calling you fat or anything . I never pictured you as one of those girls who get self - conscious about what and how much they eat . " " I 'm not . I didn 't really eat lunch today and I guess I was hungrier then I thought I was . But I 'm full now . " She said gathering up the empty food containers . " How did you 're practice go ? " she asked obviously trying to take the attention off her . He went along with it , not really interested in learning about Grangers eating habits anyway . " Fine . It was a lot similar to practicing at Hogwarts on the house teams . So it was pretty easy to get into the swing of things . " Hermione laid the spoon she was feeding Crissy with on her tray . Crissy choose that moment to pick up the spoon and fling her little arms about tapping the spoon against her tray . Making loud tapping noises with it . Unfortunately as she did that , Crissy managed to splatter smashed peas in her hair and all over her arms . Draco nodded . " Yah you 're probably right . " He said taking the empty food containers and putting them in the trash . " How do we do that ? " he asked . He was so close to her she could feel his breath on the back of her neck , causing the goose bumps to raise up on her skin . She shut the door and side stepped out of his personal space . What was wrong with her ? She couldn 't get within six inches from him without her body reacting in some way . He apparently was completely oblivious of her reactions to him , for he went over and picked up Crissy . Once Hermione finished cleaning the kitchen from their dinner she followed Malfoy into the bathroom next to Crissy 's nursery . It was clearly the place where they bathed her before since the tub was full of bath toys . Draco took Crissy into the nursery to remove her clothes and diaper , while Hermione filled the tub with water . She needed to make sure that the water wasn 't too hot or too cold . Draco walked in with a naked Crissy in his arms . Hermione couldn 't help but grin at the sight of Malfoy holding a naked baby . It was so … cute . Crissy blinked up at him with her large chocolate brown , then gave him a goofy grin and reached out and grabbed his nose and giggled . He smiled and shook his head laughing . It was the first time Hermione had seen Malfoy truly smile without his infamous smirk . He actually had dimples in each cheek when he smiled like that . And she found herself really enjoying the sound of his laugh , when he wasn 't being mean or condescending . Which is what she normally heard in his laughter , this was different , it was full of joy and happiness . Once she had her , Hermione lowered her into the warm water . Draco kneeled down next to Hermione on the floor to help support Crissy so she wouldn 't fall over . Crissy grabbed a rubber ducky that was floating next to her and began to chew on it , while kicking her legs in the water making it splash . Hermione grabbed the baby soap and began to lather it into a soft washcloth . While Draco distracted Crissy by entertaining her with her toys . Crissy slapped her hands against the water , splashing everything around her as she giggled . Draco was no help at all ; in fact he was encouraging Crissy to splash the water . " Me ? She 's having fun . How is that setting a bad example ? " He dipped his hand in the water and purposely flicked the water on his fingertips in Hermione 's face . Before she thought better of it , she threw the water soaked soapy washcloth at his face . It slipped down his face and onto his shirt leaving a wet trail . A look of stunned shock came across his face and Hermione couldn 't help but laugh . His stunned expression turned into a smirk . Draco watched as Hermione gently lathered Crissy 's hair with shampoo . Her cheeks were rosy from the laughter they shared . The steam from the water made the wisps of hair around her nape curl at the ends . And her skin almost had a kind of glow about it , making her eyes stand out . She bit her lip in concentration . All the laughter left him as he continued to stare at her face and more specifically her mouth . Hermione carefully poured water over her head from a cup . Crissy didn 't like that very much and started to squirm and fuss , trying to get out of the way . Hermione leaned forward and Draco did as well trying to still Crissy . Hermione held a hand against Crissy 's chest to hold her still . And Draco managed to rinse out the rest of the shampoo . Draco was well aware of how close Granger was to him . He could feel her hair tickling beneath his chin . He suspected that she didn 't realize yet just how much she was in his personal space . He could smell the jasmine scent coming either from her shampoo or perfume , he couldn 't tell . He should move back , but he couldn 't bring himself to do that . He still didn 't move . Instead he glanced down at her lips again . All he had to do was lower his head an inch and he would be kissing her . She pulled back quickly . " Um … I 'm … uh I 'll just get a towel . " She stuttered and stood up and walked out the bathroom probably so she could run away from him . At least he knew she felt something there as well . But it was probably fortunate that she ran away . It was the smart thing to do . She wasn 't right for him and the last thing he needed was to get involved with her . He reached inside the tub to pull the drain . Then scrubbed a hand down his face . AN : Okay just another reminder . For those who have been with me following my story from the very beginning , or who have already read chapters 1 - 9 , I just want to let you know that I 've made some changes to the story . Instead of this being a project that the teachers assigns them , it was an accident that lands Hermione and Draco in the future , and they have no idea how they got there or how to get back . To make it less confusing , you might have to reread from the very beginning starting from chapter 1 . . . in case you haven 't already . Let me know what you think and as always please keep reading and reviewing . . . I love getting all of your feedback . Previous Chapter Next Chapter Favorite | Reading List | Currently ReadingBack ChaptersStory Index1 . Muggle Studies2 . The Parenting Project3 . Day Two4 . Pink is for Positive5 . A Family Outing6 . Runaway Hormones7 . The Engagement Party8 . Seeking the Truth9 . Let 's Just Be Friends10 . Bats or Cannons ? 11 . Above the Clouds12 . Hurtful Bludgers13 . Candlewick 's Letter14 . A Walk in the Park15 . The Date16 . A Girl 's Day Out17 . The Morning After18 . To Love or Not To Love ? 19 . The Witch Named Gwen20 . Sleepness Nights21 . The Mother In - Law22 . Breakfast At The Manor23 . Baby Potter24 . Surprise ! 25 . Chapter 25 : Declan Next Write a ReviewPlaying House with Malfoy : Day Two All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent . 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The tone for Tara 's and my first holiday season as a married couple was set in early December when I was fired from my job . In retrospect , this was a blessing in disguise , but at the time , it was our sole source of income that I had just flushed down the drain with some extraneous facebooking . And so , for much of December , I sat cooped up in our cold apartment sending my resume to myriad companies , endlessly tweaking it , trying to get through those blasted text filtering algorithms . The only things that helped me retain my sanity were the Mondays season pass I had at Solitude ( purchased when I still had a job ) , teaching myself html , and Tara 's endless awesomeness throughout the entire ordeal . Meanwhile , my mother notified the entire extended family that I was unemployed so we would 't be doing gifts that year . Thanks , Mom . After two weeks of feeling like the ultimate loser who can 't hold down a job and support his new wife , I decided it was time to get out of the apartment . I suggested to Tara that we drive up to Park City for the evening to see the lights and peruse the galleries . It turned out to be a wonderful idea . PC is so magical during the holidays and it was nice to be out in the crisp mountain air . Window shopping the expensive boutiques amidst all the yuppies clad in over - the - top apres - ski outfits made us practically forget we were poor . And within moments were we both belting out along with the song , tears streaming down our faces . It was the quintessential Christmas moment in which all the stresses of the world are forgotten and the unbreakable bond between two people is all that matters . Yes , a similar scene has probably been depicted in at lest 3 Sundance films , but this was ours . Since that first year , we continue to make a tradition of visiting Park City each Christmas . Sure , these days we may actually enjoy a fancy dinner up there , but the laughing at fur - clad Californians remains the same . It is also safe to say that Ingrid Michaelson is choice Christmas music in the Newcomb house . We lost our beloved family pet , Allie , this week . She 's been battling cancer for several months , and my mom finally had to put her to sleep when it became apparent that the cancer had spread to her brain . Our family misses our dear pooch . Sorry to get all Marley and Me on you , but I wanted to pay tribute to Allie on our blog . Allie , mid - " ROOGLE ! " When my sister and I were young children , we had two family dogs that had been with my parents longer than we had . Whiskey was a big lovable Alaskan Malamute , who sadly died when I was only 5 years old . I remember being so sad about our dog being gone - I think it 's the earliest time I ever actually said a prayer , for my dog who had left me . Buck lasted a long time - he made it to Anchorage with us . My dad had to put him down one summer while the rest of us were back in Maryland visiting family . It was so hard not to be there to say goodbye , and I 'm sure it was hard on my dad to have to do that by himself . After being dog - less for a time , my parents decided that it was time to get another family pet . We went down to Anchorage Animal Control and fell in love with the fluffy white puppy . Cassi picked out the name Allie . It was the first time we 'd been involved in selecting and naming our dog , and boy was it exciting . Allie was a unique dog for us right from the start because she didn 't bark - she only howled ( or " roogled " , in our family vernacular ) . She did have one major vice , however : digging . She dug her way out of our yard many times that first summer . Thankfully she never ran away , but only hung around our street waiting for us to find her . We thought she was simultaneously the smartest and dumbest dog we 'd ever met . Dressed up for our Beatles party as " Martha My Dear " Sammy has loved Allie ever since he met her . To her credit , Allie always treated him gently , from when he was a newborn to when he was a not - so - gentle 2 - year - old . I know when we visit my parents for Christmas , Sam will want to know where Allie is . Our first Christmas guest post comes from Sarah Müller . When we moved into our apartment , I asked some of the other moms who they would recommend as a babysitter . Sarah was top of the list , so we had her watch Sam for us a few times . Sammy LOVES Sarah , and when she first left SLC to go to college , it took him a few months to stop asking for her every day . Ryan and I love Sarah , too , and we 've enjoyed keeping in touch with her while she 's away at school . She maintains a personal blog ( check it out here ) and tumblr account , and is also working as a DJ for a college radio station ! Growing up , I was always excited for the Christmas season . Not because it meant presents or time off school ( although both were great ) , but because it meant decorations . My family puts our decorations up the first Monday of December and it 's always an exciting time . My sisters and I would come home from school , grab the boxes from the attic / basement , and start decorating . We love Christmas decorations so much that we have fake mistletoe that hangs up year round . My favorite decoration was and still is our Veggie Tales nativity set . As well as the fake mistletoe . This semester I moved away from home to attend college . Since I won 't be back home until the middle of December , I 'm missing out on decorating . I decided that even though there are only two and a half weeks of school left , my roommates and I definitely needed some Christmas spirit . So I set my schoolwork down and got to decorating . I 'm not very artistically talented but I decided that bringing the Christmas spirit definitely trumps my lack of artistic abilities . So after learning how to make a snowflake ( because up until this point I didn 't know how ) and nearly breaking my leg putting up decorations ( desk chairs don 't have a lot of holiday spirit ) I made 27 snowflakes , 26 paper chains , a few paper ornaments , and a paper Christmas tree . As I put up my decorations , I started thinking about how people " decorate " their lives with Christmas . Some believe that Christmas is all about material items and focus on getting presents and buying presents . They " decorate " their season with money , busyness , and pride . Others believe that Christmas centers on Christ and " decorate " their season with him . While my decorations don 't reflect centering Christ in my season , that is my goal . Last year I asked a few friends to write a guest post for the blog that shared a Thanksgiving memory . I really enjoyed it , and decided to feature guest bloggers again this year , but at Christmas instead of Thanksgiving . I have a few lined up , but if anyone else is interested please let me know ! I would be happy to write a post for your blog in return ! Every year on Christmas Eve my mom hides an ornament shaped like a pickle on our Christmas tree . Then , on Christmas morning , the first person to find the pickle gets an extra present , which is usually a game or something to do as a family . Not to brag , but I pretty much always win . That pickle and I have a special affinity for each other . Let me pause here to say something about my dad . My dad and I are alike in many ways , and yet in a lot of ways we 're really different . We get along well , though , and I think that 's because neither of us like to indulge in conversation . We 're not really big talkers , and we 're both comfortable with silence . And my dad is even less sentimental than I am . So anyways , that hat that my dad is wearing in the above picture says " Grinch " across the front . It 's kind of a family joke that my dad isn 't exactly a high - energy jovial kind of guy . He doesn 't like to draw attention to himself . When they lived in Alaska , my parents and the other FedEx pilots / spouses would collect presents and deliver them to the kids in the local hospital . One of the guys would always dress up as Santa Claus to deliver the presents . One year , the guy who usually dressed up as Santa couldn 't make it , so somehow my dad ended up inside the Santa suit . I 'm sure he hated the idea , but there you go : Even " the Grinch " himself was willing to do something to make a bunch of sick kids happy . That 's the spirit of Christmas , right ? Going the extra mile to make someone else happy . I was really proud of my dad for dressing up as Santa that year . Now that Thanksgiving is over , I 'm ready to embrace Christmas , rampant commercialism and all . Sammy and I have been listening to the Christmas radio station in the car as we do errands , and last week Ryan brought home a Christmas tree for us to decorate for Family Home Evening . It 's the first year we 've actually had a tree , and we love it ! But , being the control freak that I am , I spread them out so they looked better after he went to bed . Below is a picture of Sam playing with two ornaments . I believe they are the Nutcracker and Clara from the Nutcracker collection . When I was a kid , the best part of decorating the tree was playing with the ornaments . I know some people like to decorate their tree with globes of various colors , or candy canes , or something like that , but we always had a mishmash of ornaments that my parents had collected over the years and my sister and I had made in school . We had a Rosebud sled ( the significance of which I didn 't get as a kid ) , some musical instruments , gingerbread men that retained their smell year after year , and some plastic angels , to name a few . My mom now has more ornaments than can actually fit on a Christmas tree , so some get left off . It always makes me a little sad , knowing that one of my favorite ornaments from childhood didn 't make the cut . The Reynolds Christmas tree , however , only has a handful of ornaments . My mom bought a Nutcracker set for me , because those were our very favorites as kids . Ryan 's dad carved a rocking horse for Sam 's first Christmas , which we hang up pretty high so he can 't get to it . There 's a snowflake with Sam 's picture on it that the Nursery leaders made last year - Sam 's eyes are all red because it was his first month in Nursery and he cried A LOT when we left him there . And there is the Mommy and Daddy clay elf ornament , with a little string to hang the " elf babies " on - we added Baby Brudder this year , although we haven 't written his name on it yet because we still don 't have a name for the poor kid . And that 's it for ornaments . I 'm sure in a few years we 'll have added a lot more to our collection . For now , though , we 're just happy to sit in the glow of our tree and be reminded of the Christmas memories we already have . In the last - minute rush to finish NaNoWriMo this year , I didn 't have a lot of time to post about our lovely Thanksgiving trip . Part of that rush was due to the fact that I was so busy over the long weekend that I got behind on my word count - which was actually a positive thing . We left Salt Lake around 2 : 30pm the day before Thanksgiving with our friend Elisa , who we always bring back to Colorado with us . Sammy was a champion for the whole long drive - every time he got fussy , we 'd give him his blanket and Snugaphant and ignore him for a few minutes , and he 'd fall asleep . In fact , in Ryan 's opinion , I was the worst passenger because ol ' pregnant bladder insisted on stopping at every " major city " in Wyoming to use the bathroom . This was because On Thanksgiving morning we headed out to the ranch where Ryan 's dad works and lives . The kids whose family owns the ranch wanted to play with Sammy , so we went out and threw rocks at a cattle guard for a good hour . Ryan took me and Sam out on his dad 's 4 - wheeler to see the ranch , which was terrifying and yet exciting . The rest of Ryan 's family joined us for Thanksgiving dinner , which was wonderful . Russ and Richard cooked a big turkey , and we had all the traditional side dishes ( plus a few surprises , like the lasagna Richard made in his Dutch oven ) . Sammy was having too much fun playing with his cousins to eat more than a few crackers . We headed into Denver the next day to hang out at Ryan 's brother Rusty 's house . My cousin Steven and his wife Lauren drove up from the Springs to see us . We met them for dinner at an old favorite of ours , Mustard 's Last Stand . It was so nice to see them , and nice for them to indulge us on our restaurant pick ! The food must not have agreed with Sammy , however , because he barfed twice that night . Lucky for us , Rusty lives in a for real house with his own washing machine , which happened to be right off the room we slept in . That made it pretty easy to clean up after him . Saturday morning we woke up all strung out from being up all night with His Royal Barfiness , and met Ryan 's mom for breakfast . We ate lunch back at Rusty 's , picked Elisa up at her mom 's , and headed back to Utah ! Ryan actually let me drive through Wyoming - it was really windy , which was a little nervewracking . But we made it home safely , somehow . It was a really good Thanksgiving , with good food and good company . I think Sam will remember his cousins when he sees them next year , and he 'll be really excited to play with them again . Next year we 'll also have Baby Brudder in tow - we 'll see who 's the worst traveler then ! Although this year , my novel is only about halfway complete , at 50 , 000 words , making it more likely to be a real book when it is finally completed . I will probably take a break from it , like last year , and then pick it up again to finish for real . Or maybe I 'll write the next half next NaNoWriMo . Who knows ? Kevin rose from the bench and briskly wiped the crumbs off his hands . " Come on , guys , " he said , pulling on his gear . " Let 's get moving so we don 't have to climb the mountain in the dark . " They complied , and after everyone was suited up they started along the road , heading past the village . Joshua continued looking above the treeline , hoping to see the mountain . He was disappointed . A few miles beyond the town , the trees began to thin out , making it easier to see . Joshua was starting to get anxious about reaching Mount Chanhassen , when he noticed a bigger break in the trees . As they approached it , they all stopped dead in their tracks . " You 've got to be kidding me , " Kevin grumbled . " This is their idea of a mountain ? " Standing in front of them was a hill . It was covered in lush vegetation , and couldn 't have risen in elevation more than a few hundred feet . " Well , " Joshua said cautiously , " Silas did say it was the tallest rock out here . And there 's definitely nothing else bigger . " " No wonder he said all paths to the top were safe , " Kevin replied , disgusted . " It 's just a hill ! " Jason started to snicker . " It sounds like you guys were making a mountain out of a molehill ! " he cried , dissolving completely into full - blown laughter . He bent in half , clutching his stomach and wiping tears from his eyes . Joshua elbowed him and he toppled over , still laughing like a hyena . Joshua left him lying on the forest floor and turned right off the path to head toward the so - called Mount Chanhassen . The others followed him . Natalie had a hard time getting Jason to his feet , but eventually he recovered enough to get up . He pulled leaves out of his curly hair as they walked up the hill . " Do you think we 'll reach the top before it gets dark ? " Jason asked them . Joshua could hear the laughter straining to escape his friend , so he ignored him and kept walking . " Do you need any help ? " he asked Danae , hoping the gentle incline wouldn 't be too much of a challenge for her . She shook her Posted by I 'm halfway through November , and halfway to 50 , 000 words . I appreciate all the help and encouragement people have given me on Facebook ! It 's time for another excerpt . This is where we first meet The Seer ( ooh ! ) The seer lived in the forest , a mere hour 's walk from the castle , as Jonas informed them after breakfast . Natalie was outfitted in a pair of soft leather boots , as her sandals weren 't really up to the task of a hike . Jonas led them on a winding path through the trees . Joshua saw that many of them were slightly charred . Last night 's battle had hurt the forest , too . They walked , making the occasional bit of small talk with Jonas . It took just over an hour to reach the small dwelling in which the seer lived . Jonas rapped smartly on the door . " Evelyn ? " he called . " Evelyn ! It 's Jonas . " Joshua saw movement through one of the thick - paned windows . Seconds later , the door opened . The loveliest young woman Joshua had ever seen in his life stepped outside . Her carrot - orange hair reached her waist . Her eyes were a light green , and seemed to sparkle mischievously as she smiled at them . Joshua 's jaw dropped . So did Jason 's and Kevin 's . " Good morning , Jonas , " the seer lilted . " I see you 've brought me the prince . " She looked at Joshua appraisingly . " Hello , Evie , " Jonas replied . " The prince and his helpers , just like you said . " " Did you expect it would be otherwise ? " she teased . " Come inside . " They followed her in and sat down at a round wooden table . Once seated , the seer leaned forward to study Joshua , resting her chin in her hand . " Yes , the Artifacts , " she mused . " He will look for them , I see that . But where to begin ? " Jonas opened his mouth to answer , but she cut him off with a wave of her hand . " Not asking you , Jonas . Just thinking out loud , " she said pleasantly . " I think it 's going to take a few cups of tea . " Joshua cleared his throat . " Do you read tea leaves ? " he asked . That was something he 'd read in a book . She laughed , high and clear . " Goodness me , no . I just like tea . You can have coffee , if you prefer . " She rose and put a kettle on a hook above a small fireplace . Jason stared at her openly . Natalie glared at him and nudged him in the ribs . He " Once upon a time - for all the best stories begin this way - our land was ruled by a High King . He was a benevolent ruler who cared for the people and their welfare . His son , however , was a cruel man who delighted in many vices . The High King saw this in his son , and knew that when his son became king he would mistreat the people and the land . So before he died , he divided his land into ten kingdoms , and chose ten of his personal guards as king of each land . He bequeathed unto each new king three Sovereign Artifacts , to represent their power and autonomy . " The king 's son was furious at his father , and slew him with a sword upon hearing the news that he wasn 't to become king . The new kings were outraged over the death of the High King . A tribunal was elected , with representatives from each land , and the king 's son was sentenced to death . " At this , the seer shook her head sadly . " It was the last time the kingdoms worked together before going their separate ways . For the most part , they left each other in peace . Over the centuries , however , the kingdoms have begun to lust for power over each other . Rydale has already absorbed Carene , and become the largest of the nine remaining kingdoms . Chanhassen , as the only kingdom now that has lost its Artifacts , will surely fall soon . " The kettle whistled , and the seer rose to pour drinks for them all . She peered at each of the children . " Coffee for you , " she said to Jason , who laughed out loud . " And … tea for the both of you , " she added , nodding to Danae and Kevin . " I 'm sorry I have no chocolate , hot or otherwise , " she said to Natalie , who wore an expression of mixed surprise and disappointment . " Could I try the tea ? " she asked timidly . The seer smiled gently and nodded . " Jonas ? You 'll have to make up your mind if you want me to read it , " she chided . He laughed . " I 'll take coffee , " he said . " Got you this time . " " Indeed , " she agreed . " And for our prince ? " She looked expectantly at Joshua . " Don 't you know already ? " Posted by I crossed the 10 , 000 words mark for NaNoWriMo , so I figured it was time for an excerpt . The opening of the novel can be found on my Writer 's Page . This section is 8 , 000 or so words into the novel . As if they 'd read his mind , the dark clouds in the sky released their pent - up moisture . Raindrops , big ones , dive - bombed them from above . Natalie gasped as the first drops pelted them . It was only minutes until they were soaked . Natalie and Kevin 's blond hair looked almost as dark as Joshua 's , plastered to their heads . Beads of water flecked Kevin 's glasses ; Joshua wondered if he could even see . Next to him , Danae sighed . " This is ridiculous , Jason , " she spat . He looked startled at her outburst . She stuck her finger out at him . " If it wasn 't for your dumb idea , we wouldn 't be stuck on a boat in the middle of a lake during a rainstorm ! " Her eyes narrowed accusingly . Natalie had sat up and pulled away from Jason , glaring at him too . He looked at her helplessly . Kevin continued to peer through his rain - speckled glasses at the dark forest . Before Jason could mutter out an excuse , Kevin pointed to the trees . " We 're not getting any closer , " he said loudly . The others paused from glaring at Jason to look out across the lake too . Their target did indeed seem just as far away as when they 'd left . Kevin turned back to them . " Something is wrong , you guys . It 's completely dark overhead , and those trees are still blacker than the ones right next to them . There 's no rain whatsoever on our side of the lake . We 're moving straight ahead even though the wind has changed . " Joshua hadn 't even realized with all the rain that Danae 's hair was off his face and blowing towards Natalie . Kevin continued . " We should jump out and swim back to our side of the lake , " he urged . " What ? " the four of them yelled at him . Natalie crossed her arms . " I am not getting in that water , Kevin , " she said angrily . " It 's freezing . We could all get hypothermia and die . " " Do you have an alternative ? " he shot back . " It 's better than being pulled to some dark grove of trees in a boat that shouldn 't be moving that direction ! " Joshua looked over the side of the boat . That water was deep . It waPosted by Last Saturday my dear sweet husband decided to make waffles for breakfast . He is incapable of making waffles without making a huge mess , so I always tell him that if he wants to make waffles , he 'd better clean it up . Well , his idea of cleaning up the waffle mix was to put the bag of Krusteaz on the counter next to the sink , 6 inches away from the pantry ( where it actually belongs ) . And being on the counter next to the sink , the bottom of the bag got wet . So in order to save our giant bag of waffle mix , I started scooping out the mix and transferring it into gallon Ziploc bags . When I 'd emptied out about half of the bag , I decided it was light enough to pick up and dump into the next empty Ziploc . As soon as I picked up the bag , the wet bottom burst open and dumped floury waffle mix all over my kitchen floor . I have a very nice Dyson ball vacuum that my mom got for me for Christmas last year . I am in love with my vacuum . It is so easy to use and to clean and to empty out when it is full . I have a two - year - old , so I use it almost every day . I think my vacuum is invincible . I happily sucked up all the flour through the hose , stopping a couple times to empty the vacuum into the trash can . Then I realized that my vacuum was covered in flour . So I took it to Ryan , who was showering , and told him I needed to rinse out all my vacuum parts to get the flour out . He got out of the shower , and I rinsed out my vacuum and left the pieces in the tub to dry . A few hours later , I put it all back together . The next time I tried to use my vacuum , the engine let out this crazy high - pitched whine . Ryan made me shut it off . Then he looked at it . So today Ryan sat down to clean out the Dyson vacuum . It is full of moldy flour . Ryan worked on it for an hour today and barely made a dent in it . My precious vacuum has been beaten by Krusteaz . Krusteaz and an idiot named Kara . I called Dyson today , and they gave me the number of a local store that can take a look at it . I can replace the part with the worst mold for about 80 dollars , which wouldn 't be so bad . In the meantime , I 've got to borrow other people 's vacuums to clean up after Sammy . Plus there is the shame and guilt that I killed my beautiful vacuum . Sam 's favorite book last month was Library Lion , so I decided that he would be a lion for Halloween , and Ryan and I would be the two librarians from the book . Unfortunately , I woke up with a cold on Halloween morning , and decided it wouldn 't be worth the effort for Ryan and I to dress up ( I think Ryan was relieved ) . I made Sam 's costume this year by turning a furry - lined coat inside out and sewing a mane , wrist fringe , and tail onto the coat . Ryan added the face paint for the finishing touches . Now that Halloween is over I will strip all the decorations off and turn Sam 's coat right side out so he can wear it , although I think he 'll be pretty upset that his " lion coat " is gone . Not like this actually needs to be said , but I will probably end up eating most of Sam 's candy . And surprisingly , we had a lot leftover ourselves . There were only 2 or 3 other groups out trick - or - treating that we saw during the hour we were out . Is trick - or - treating not as big a deal in Utah ? Or is it just our neighborhood ? In any case I was quite surprised . But not at all disappointed that I have lots of Milk Duds to finish off . Yum . . . Why are they called Milk Duds ? They are definitely not duds , if you ask me . Every year , usually around our anniversary , we have our family photos taken . I was way too sick in July to even think about having my picture taken , so we postponed it to fall this year . Our friend Amanda Penton took our pictures this year , and we are so grateful to her for doing such an amazing job . She got some great shots of squirrely Sammy , and really captured the fall colors and the mood we were going for . Just wanted to let you all know that even though I 'm sick , I have made my word count for today . Woohoo ! Keep up with my progress on my writer 's page by clicking here . Too long , in fact . You all probably heard from me / Facebook / Radio Grandma ( you know who you are ) that I 'm pregnant again , which means I spent the past several months wishing that everyone would just go away and let me stay in bed . Which of course did not happen . I have pretty amazing friends at church , who brought dinner to us and took Sam to the park , and thanks to their help I am back on my feet . And still pregnant at 21 weeks , a real triumph for me after last time . We found out we are having a boy - and all my dreams of little girl dresses and hairbows were summarily crushed , while Ryan 's vision of two rough - and - tumble mud balls to play with came to fruition . We 're working on a name . I 'll keep you posted . Lots of other good things happened to us while I was sick . The biggest and best is that all of Ryan 's hard work of the past year has paid off - the Church decided at the end of September to bring him on as their newest full - time Seminary teacher . We are still a little dumbfounded , a month later . We have a pension plan , and great health benefits , and a REAL JOB . I 'm so proud of Ryan for sticking with it - it finally paid off . I also passed the genetic counseling board examination . I don 't have a job , but at least I can say I 'm certifiably competent on paper . Yippee . . . I will be signing my name Kara Reynolds , MS CGC for a week just to make myself feel good . That 's all for now . I will hopefully put up some Halloween pictures next week . I made Sam 's Halloween costume for the third year running , and Ryan and I will be dressing up , too . I will also be starting NaNoWriMo again on November 1st - with a totally different flavor of novel this year . Harry and the Potters is made up of two brothers ( Harry Potter and Harry Potter ) and whoever else they can get to play a variety of other instruments . Harry Potter 1 played keyboard and saxophone , Harry Potter 2 played guitar , and Sirius Black played the drums . The group sings about a wide variety of things from the Harry Potter books , like saving Ginny from the basilisk , and how Voldemort just doesn 't understand love . Hilarious , right ? ( By the way , check out Andrew 's account of the evening ! ) Our friend Sarah , however , chose to join the crowd . She is a for - real HatP fan - she actually owns their CDs and knows all the lyrics ! Harry and Harry were non - stop balls of energy . While none of the songs were particularly amazing musical accomplishments , the lyrics were fresh and clever . Really , their take on things like Cho Chang talking about Roger Davies on her first date with Harry . . . pure comic genius . They got the crowd involved in chanting , making hand signs , and singing along . Even Sammy got into it ! As most of you know , Ryan has been working hard this past year in the hopes of being hired by the Church as a Seminary teacher . He has made it through every evaluation so far - passed the 2 - week " trial teaching " , successfully completed his first semester of student teaching - and today was his next step . Today we were interviewed by a General Authority . Time out for those who aren 't familiar with the structure of our church . Local congregations ( wards ) are led by bishops . About 6 - 10 wards are led by stake presidents . Bishops and stake presidents are really only responsible for the specific people over whom they preside . General authorities , however , are responsible for the entire world . The men called to be general authorities are amazing , humble servants of the Lord , and have a whole host of duties , one of which is interviewing potential employees of the Church Educational System . To learn more about the structure of leadership in our church , visit the official page : How the Church is Organized . We arrived at the Church Administration Building about 20 minutes early for our appointment with Elder Zwick , and had the opportunity to wait and watch as other general authorities of the Church passed in and out of the building . Elder Cook walked in front of us . Elder Ballard stopped to talk to us and commended Ryan on trying to become a Seminary teacher . Elder Holland said " Hi kids ! " and said to Ryan , " I just have to come shake the hands of this cute couple . Well , she 's cute - you 're okay . " He talked to us for a few minutes . And then , out of the window of the waiting room , we saw President Monson 's car pull up next to the entrance ( yes , he has a primo parking spot ) . Through the window he saluted us both and smiled . Another time out - Elder Cook , Elder Ballard , and Elder Holland hold the priesthood office of Apostle . There are 12 apostles on the earth today , as there were when Christ organized his followers during His mortal life . Peter , James , and John - that is to whom you can liken Elder Cook and company . President Monson is God 's prophet on earth today . He is the leader of the entire Church . Our interview with Elder Zwick was unbelievable . Elder Zwick is a Seventy , which is the priesthood office under Apostle . He is a very kind and gentle man . He asked us a lot of questions about how we joined the Church , and asked Ryan a lot of questions about his personal conduct and worthiness . He asked me how I support Ryan as he works towards his career goals . Both Ryan and I shed a few tears as we talked about our experiences and expressed our love for each other and for the Gospel of Jesus Christ . Elder Zwick told us that many people cry - you can 't help but feel overwhelmed by the spirit in that building , with so many servants of the Lord present . I asked him how he doesn 't cry all the time - yep , I got a joke in there . We feel so humbled by our experience . What a blessing in our lives this time in Utah has been . We are excited that Ryan is getting closer and closer to becoming a Seminary teacher ! First of all , I want to announce that this is my 100th post . If The Reynolds Tribe was a TV show , we could be syndicated now . Although , it is kind of lame that it took us 3 years to post 100 times . Here 's to improved consistency in posting ! Last week , Sam had trouble sleeping . One night , while Ryan was at work , Sam woke up around 12 : 30am and wouldn 't stop fussing . I made him sleep in the pack and play in the living room so he wouldn 't wake up the neighbors , and I went back to bed . Trying to fall back to sleep , I smelled something familiar . It smelled like a campfire . Now , I live in urban Salt Lake City , so campfire is not exactly something you 'd expect to smell here . I could still smell it 10 minutes later , and started to get concerned that maybe some weirdo decided to make a campfire in my front yard . I risked waking Sam up to check . Outside , the air was all smoky . I could see a faint orange light about a block away , and got worried that maybe I was smelling smoke from a REAL fire . So I called the police . By the way , I programmed the South Salt Lake Police Department in my phone - that 's how awesome my neighborhood is . The nice dispatcher told me that there was a house fire pretty close by , but reassured me that the police would knock on my door if the fire spread and we had to leave . Obviously I would grab Sam . I would grab my backpack , and put our important documents in it . We keep them in 3 accordion file folders , so that 'd be easy . I 'd probably add my laptop to the bag , because there are just too many things that are irreplaceable on there . On my way to the car I 'd get the diaper bag . And then I would drive to Elisa 's house and pray that our house would be spared . Luckily , the fire didn 't spread . I went to bed at 2 : 30am reasonably convinced that it was safe to sleep . Although I did have to wash my hair the next morning because I smelled like smoke . . . My " vaguely ethnic " appearance has served me well in Utah , a place full of blondes . I was cast as an extra in the Church 's upcoming New Testament series , because I apparently can pass for an Israelite . And last week , in Annie Get Your Gun , I got promoted from " ensemble " to " Indian " thanks to my long , dark brown hair . So much for blondes having more fun ! She is TOTALLY making that up . I wake up every morning with a feather duster in my hands . After praying for a safe and clean day , I rush in to the baby 's room to change his diaper . Isn 't it incredible that I am able to do that without ever waking him up . I then zip into the bathroom and noiselessly shave , shower and dress , ALL while scrubbing the tub , bleaching the floors and toilet and folding towels that I washed while vacuuming after the baby but before the bathroom . The trickiest part of my morning comes from cleaning the burner guards while I make oatmeal for everyone . I set out old newspapers under Sammy AND Kara 's chairs before I head out the door because I just KNOW that they will be throwing the very healthy oatmeal ( infused with wheat germ ) on the floor . My lunch - time highlight is when I rush home to take out the garbage and clean the refrigerator shelves . My wife makes the best dinners . I love washing all the dishes after she is done . I just wash Sammy right along with them . Now , does this sound like someone who accidently drops shaving cream on his wife 's ( recently sterilized ) toothbrush ? I think not . Just to prove my cleanliness , here 's my first commercial for your viewing pleasure . I took out the earring and grew some hair since the 50 's . Ahhhh . . . I love the smell of a freshly cleaned inaccuracy . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = wbiofcuTZBo I grabbed my toothbrush , wet the bristles , and stuck it in my mouth without looking at it . All of a sudden my mouth was filled with white foam and I started violently gagging . It took several rinses and many Dove chocolate eggs to get the taste out of my mouth . And yes , the toothbrush went in the trash can . I asked my friend Andrew to write a guest post for my blog back in November , promising him I 'd write for his blog in return . He has finally collected ! Read my thoughts on geocaching on Andrew 's blog here . If you don 't know what geocaching is , check it out : www . geocaching . comWe 're closing in on one hundred posts here at thereynoldstribe . What should I do to celebrate ? So , I don 't know if you 've heard , but lately my champion sleeper of a son has gone on sleep strike . He wakes up 5 or 6 times in the middle of the night , sometimes refusing to go back to sleep . Obviously , this is starting to wear on me and Ryan . It 's like going back to 6 - month - old Sammy , and he 's almost 2 years old . We 've tried to be creative in finding ways to convince him to go back to sleep in his own bed . ( As opposed to the pack and play . He is NOT allowed to sleep in our bed . ) Sam 's into stuffed animals now . One of the ways I like to get him to lay down and stay down is to snuggle him up with his stuffed animal ENTOURAGE . Members of the crew : SnugaphantLeader of the gang and Sammy 's best friend . Only animal whose name Sammy can say ( though it sounds like " snuk ! " ) Sock MonkeyLikes to dance . His theme song : " Sock monkey / The funky monkey " ( sung to the tune of Brass Monkey , because Mommy liked the Beastie Boys in high school ) Blue Sock MonkeySock Monkey 's funky , chunky cousin . He gives Sammy hugs with his velcro paws . Pooh BearNice and soft . Sammy 's oldest friend on the crew . Ringo DingoActually a zebra . Head is twisted at an odd angle that gives Mommy the creeps . Sammy loves it . The CrewWhen I was a little kid , I used to be terrified that snakes would get in our house , slither up the stairs to my room , and jump into my bed . This was horrifying . ( Wouldn 't it be ? ) I got great satisfaction from positioning my " Jake bear " and a pillow shaped like Simba from The Lion King at the end of my bed to guard from serpentine intruders . I don 't know whose idea that was , mine or my mom 's . All I know is that it worked . So if Sam needs an entourage of stuffed animals to accompany him to bed . . . . . . who am I to refuse ? Hi ! We 're The Reynolds Tribe . Ryan and Kara were married on July 17th , 2008 in Salt Lake City , UT . Kara is enjoying her ( probably permanent ) stint as a stay - at - home mom with a master 's degree . Ryan teaches at the Institute of Religion at the University of Wyoming . Sam loves volcanoes , gravestones , and mummies . Ben likes to hide under his blankie . Amelia is our brand new princess !
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With the others I was able to remove factors and protect myself . Build walls . With this one I would pretty much have to remove everybody I loved from my life , change all of my social life I 'd been building for most of my adult life . Sure it got to me from time to time . When I saw my rapist out on the town I 'd panic . When I had to tell new partners I 'd get upset . When it came close to the one year anniversary I struggled but for the most part , I kept it together . The constant panic . The need to hide from everything . The recurring nightmares and insomnia . All of it and more . Now . A year and a half later . I 'm scared it will happen again , sometime down the road . I 'm scared he 'll do it to another girl . I 'm scared my silence this long means he already has . I 'm angry he did this to me . I 'm angry he has memories of my body I don 't . I 'm angry I 've already lost friends and family over this . I 'm angry I have panic so bad I miss work . I 've faced a screaming angry father when I was a child , I have over come addiction , I took on mental illness and I can 't make eye contact with an unknown male . I can 't use a bar bathroom without having a small panic attack . This is my thawing out process . I 'm told it 's normal . To me it 's terrifying . Posted in mental health , rape culture A huge request , I know . I asked for full stories or partial stories . Tell me about your struggle … all of it or tell me about one episode / your first panic attack / your first doctor 's appointment about your mental health issues / your first break through … anything . Anything that might show people they are not alone in this because God , mental illness can be a lonely place . The following stories are in the authors words . I am trans . For thirty plus years , I have battled depression after depression , each one getting worse and worse . ( I have just discovered a report card from ' 85 where the teachers comments allege to my nascent condition . ) I would self mutilate and later turned to drugs and alcohol . This went untreated for years , all because of the stigmas around depression ( pick yourself up ) , homophobia ( girlyboy , girlyboy ) And an utter lack of information about transsexuals . These things were not discussed in polite circles or anywhere at the time in rural Ontario . I have known for a long time that I was not in the right body but how does one express it when there are no words ? As soon as puberty hit the changes in my body started to make me feel sick … but I had to deal with it , everyone said I was a boy , so I complied . Trying to fit in when you are wearing a mask is extremely difficult . I was beaten often . A few sessions in , the topic of identity came up . I told the doc I believed I was trans . He nodded and sent me home . Next sessions had him showing me pictures of intersexed children , to which I said " I don 't think you understand , this not what I am talking about . " In response , a prescription to a heavy anti psychotic drug and a referral to the ROH to see a forensic psychiatrist specializing in sexual deviants . I let this go on for four long years . The anti psychotics rendered me into a zombie , no emotions , just flat . Until I said no more and just went off the meds altogether . Fast forward to 2012 and another major depressive episode . A friend of mine had just referred me to the Primrose family clinic which met I had a GP . What I didn 't know about this facility is that they are a team , so when I approached my GP with depression I got to see a psychiatrist and a therapist who recommended CBT , ACT and regression therapy . That 's when stuff got weird , in a really good way . That was last July . I am glad to report that the depression has all but disappeared ( fingers crossed ) and other than a few setbacks ( losing a job because of discrimination ) I am one happy girl . I still have a ways to go , but I can see the way now . Sleepless nights but once I was asleep , I 'd want to stay there . It took me 6 years to do high school . For the last 3 years of high school I only had afternoon classes and I was lucky to even make those . My late and absent pages that came with my report card were as many as a short story . I was failing out of my program for the 2nd time . Because it was just a campus doctor , he just gave me samples of an anti - depressant ( celexa ) and sent me on my way . Celexa did NOT help . If I thought I was sleeping all the time before , I was about to learn I could sleep even more . I take Effexor now . I know it gets a bad rap , but it really does help me . I adjust my dose in the winter to account for the SADs and lower it in the spring , once it 's no longer hibernating season . I know it is extremely difficult to get off ( the withdrawal symptoms are painful ) If I miss a dose , I can very much so tell . It 's also expensive , so once my doctor was unable to give me samples and I wasn 't in school , I discontinued them . This was probably my darkest period . Within about a year , I had hit bottom at least 2 times that I can really recognize . I got into my first serious relationship . It was not healthy and once I was off my meds I became someone I do not recognize to this day . I was jealous and possessive . Verbally and physically abusive . It wasn 't all me . He did things to ensure I stayed crazy . He 'd push my buttons and played on my insecurities . When he broke up with me and we were still sleeping together ( cause nothing makes a guy come back to you like GIVING him sex ) , I just kept spiraling . There was a night that he had to break down the bathroom door to get the knife from me . It 's not the first time I had contemplated suicide , wasn 't the last , but was the closest to that point that I had gotten . I used to stockpile pills too , especially tylenol 3s and such . I came home from Belleville ( where I had moved to be with this guy ) , and began to rebuild myself . I moved back in November . The pictures from that Christmas I can just see how unhappy I was . The pale face , dark circles . There 's tons of pictures cause it was my niece and nephew 's first one , but I cringe at any that I am in . I got back on the Effexor . I started going to my family doctor regularly to talk about stuff . My mom had to take me to the hospital once because she didn 't know what to do with me . I was trying with a razor ( schik or something ) , but all I was doing was making my wrist itchy , and yes , sting and bleed , but clearly this wasn 't going to do the trick . My mom had very sharp scissors for knitting , I needed those . She caught me looking , saw my wrists and down to the Queensway Carleton we went . It was 't a serious enough attempt to have them admit me , but my dose was increased and I was referred to a psychiatrist in the out patient program at the hospital . I saw her for about a year . I went back to school part time . I figured out what I wanted to do with my life and I stayed single . I had to work on me . I barely liked myself , let alone loved myself . How was I going to love anyone else . It hasn 't been a totally smooth road . There are bumps . I 've cried and screamed and asked God to just kill me to make the hurting stop . There are days when I 'm just so tired , I can 't move . Those are the dark times and they can be pretty bad , but they don 't last as long or happen as often . I 've learned to recognize the signs or know my triggers . I slid down after the wedding because this momentous occasion that I 'd been anticipating for so long was over , what now ? The wedding was beautiful and honeymoon amazing , but I had my up , there 's usually a down . The thing with Effexor is that it helps stabilize my moods so that my highs are not so high that the swing back down brings me so low . The pendulum swing is smaller . I will have this all my life . Whether I inherited it or my brain chemistry got messed up during my formative years due to things outside my control ( broken family , isolation , bullying , etc . ) . I know it will never fully go away . It 's just important to know that I am not broken , that I fight the fight every day and look towards the future . Roxanne 's Story What I know it was now was a crash . A full mental break down . It kept me in bed off and on for a year but at this particular moment I wanted more than sleep . I had just been diagnosed bipolar and it wasn 't going well . My brain was telling me that I was more trouble to those around me than not . I became convinced that they would actually be better off without me . I was weak for being so selfish and staying around , knowing how sick I was and all the trouble I was causing . " He " could move on without a crazy ex - girlfriend , my mom wouldn 't worry herself into tears and my kids wouldn 't be in fear of an angry , scary mommy anymore . Really it was the best bet all around if I just did it . I started saving medications . Pain pills , mood stabilizers , anti - depressants . Anything I could get my hands on . It didn 't take me very long to have a solid little stash . My day was approaching and I got scared . No , not scared . Scared is reserved for roller coasters and frogs . I felt a terror that went straight into me , grabbed my stomach in it 's cold hands and started the full body shakes from there . Somewhere between the sobbing , apologizing , telling him I just wanted to sleep and that I was scared … he figured out what was going on . He told me he couldn 't come help me . He would be the worst person for me . I begged . He was right . Had it not been for the foresight and the love of others , I might not be here . I am here . I am stronger than ever . I made it through and came out on the other side . I did it with help , no doubt but I did it . All my life something seemed to be amiss . I 'd have odd mood swings , feel dark and down for no explainable reason at all , and even went through a phase of cutting my wrists because the pain was a reminder that I was still alive . That I wasn 't broken . But boy did I feel like I was . So when I was diagnosed with depression in 2006 by my family doctor , pieces of the puzzle finally made sense and fell into place . We talked about getting me on medication to help with my anxiety and depression , and for the following three years , I tried medication after medication until we finally found one that worked for me . This involved months of side effects , some that made the depression worse , to almost completely unbearable . A few times I cried openly at my desk at work , for absolutely no reason at all . During this guess period , the depression continued on as normal , some days being less of a struggle and others ended up feeling like a battle that raged with no relent . There were often days that I debated on just giving up because it felt like an a battle that I could never win , never overcome . Not that I didn 't try . I forced myself to smile . Forced myself to try and look on the brighter side of life and what it had to offer . Fought with myself and the often overwhelming feeling of defeat . But it never made a difference . No matter how I outwardly I lied to family , friends , coworkers , bosses , and myself , with a smile that was only skin deep . I hated myself . Hated that my own mind seemed to be an enemy that I couldn 't escape . It constantly would lie to me , telling me things that it couldn 't possibly know . Told me things that were fears were actually truth . That I was worthless . That I was just a waste of space . That I was a mistake that was unwanted and should just kill myself , because that would solve all the pain that everyone around me was going through , since their pain was more important . But as years progressed , I became adept at hiding it . Why did I hide it ? It was easier . Easier than being called lazy . Easier than having to deal with the disappointed looks and glares that family thought I couldn 't see , couldn 't hear in their tones when they spoke to me . They had no idea of the battle and pain that I had trapped within , not due to lack of explanation though . I tried to explain , tried to tell them what it was like , but only got the response of " You need to push through it . " or " I had depression before and I got through it without medication . " Because obviously ALL depression is the same . It 's been eight years now , and I still battle the same issues everyday . I still have that gnawing thought process going on in the back of my mind , and yet I continue on . I 'm still broken . I 'm still smiling on the outside , while inside I can feel shards of my once happy self , fall and shatter . Mirroring back the devastation of my self enclosed pain . It all began when I was a child . My mother , whom I was so attached to , was sick . She suffered from extreme anxiety disorder and was unable to cope in any relationship in a normal manner . Critical and hard , her fear was the absolute root of her resentment and lashing out at my father . I still remember their fight like it was happening now in front of me … the sun coming through the window , the smell of coffee and rain in the air , my baby sister crying in her seat because no one was coming to pick her up . All I could do was try to hush her and tell her it was ok while from the living room I watched my parents throw food at each other in the kitchen , all the while yelling at each other . " Please stop ! " I kept saying . No one heard me . Then came what was to be the next and last fight between my parents , the one that resulted in my fathers arm breaking when my mother threw him into the huge plant pot in the living room . I will never forget the look on my fathers face when he said goodbye to us . His arm was in a cast , his deep brow furrowed , lips begging not to burst forth with the cries of anguish that I now know must have been trying to claw their way out of him . At my tender age of 5yrs , I could not understand why he was upset . " Don 't worry daddy , we will be back soon . " I didn 't realize what was happening . I thought we were going shopping or something . I could not have known that no , we would not be back . My mother was taking us away from him , to move across the country . When we arrived in Nova Scotia I got to meet my older brother . I also got to meet my grandparents . Nanna told me not to sit on grampa 's lap as he 'd been drinking . Someone told me that grampa sometimes touched the kids when he was drunk . He scared me . Wandering off to find my big brother I was distracted by the sound of yelling . I stood at the top of the stairs in the entry way and watched my nanna repeatedly punch and hit my mother as she tried to cover her face . " You stupid bitch ! What the fuck is wrong with you ? ! Why did you bring Life with my mother after that was very hard . The three of us , my mother , sister and I , moved into a one bedroom apartment in a small building in Spryfield , an area that I would not to this day raise my own kids in . My memories of living there are vivid and painful . I had to walk to and from school by myself . I hated that school . There was a bully there , the kids called him Moose , probably because he was bigger than the rest of the kids . I hadn 't yet learned how to read and was laughed at when called upon to read a page from a book in front of the class because I didn 't know what side of the page to start from . I got bullied and beat up so bad but I was afraid my mom would be mad at me if I told her . When I was tricked into " closing my eyes to get a big surprise " and ended up with a mouth full of sawdust and sand I decided to stop going to lunch . I would walk through the swamp along the sidewalk so no one would see me then hide outside of the building under a tree and eat my lunch by myself . After a while I lost my appetite and wouldn 't eat at all . The school called my mother who spend the better part of a night screaming and yelling at me for skipping lunch . She kept telling me she loved me though , that I was her little angel . This is why I couldn 't understand why I would wake up and she wouldn 't be there . I would wander the apartment looking for her and she wouldn 't be there . This happened on a few occasions . She would just be gone . I never knew where she went . The neighbors clued in to her leaving her kids alone in the apartment when one day the fire alarm went off and the lady across the hall knocked on our door . I opened it and told her I didn 't know where my mother was . She took my sister and I into her apartment after the alarm was shut off . My mother came and got us after a while . Then one day I woke up and my daddy was sleeping on the couch in the living room . He had come to get my sister and I because someone , probably the lady across the hall , had called Childrens Services on my mom . Life with my dad was wonderful . He was a loving , responsible , kind and gentle man . He provided a safe and clean home for us , sent us to school , gave us huge Christmases and birthdays , took us on trips and did all the things a mom usually did to like mend our clothes , crimp my hair , play with us . My memories of my childhood with my dad are those of a loving , doting parent who let his children suffer for nothing . Because of the trauma suffered from what I went through as a very young child I had developed an abandonment complex and constantly feared something awful was going to happen to my dad . He worked in construction and sometimes would be gone for weeks on contracts while my aunt , uncle or grandparents watched us . It was during these times when I would have nightmares about him not coming back or of him dying . My biggest fear was and still is losing my father . I recall vividly a day when I came home from school , 7th grade I think , and dad wasn 't home . I wandered the house looking for him . Panic set in and I started to cry and scream . When he walked through the door he couldn 't understand what was wrong with me . Our washer had broken and he went over to the laundrymat . In my exasperation I tried to tell him what was wrong , he just gave me a big hug and kissed my forehead . When my uncle called me to tell me that my dad had been in a car accident on the highway I had my first anxiety attack . He hadn 't been injured , but that didn 't stop the feelings of complete helplessness and fear from strangling my common sense of well being . Making friends was never easy for me . When I was a kid I used to send my little sister to make friends for me . The outgoing person I am as an adult , I was very shy and withdrawn as a child . My sister however , she 's 3 . 5yrs younger than me , was always very outgoing and made friends very easily . She has no memory of what happened before our dad moved us to Toronto . And no memory of our mother screaming at her to " shut the fuck up " when mom was had friends over , leaving my baby sister to scream and cry in a soaking wet diaper in her playpen for hours while mom got shitfaced . My sister is fortunate to not have to share my pain of what I witnessed for both of us . So when it came time to make friends in school I was a bit of an outcast and only hung around a couple of people . When junior high , grades 7 and 8 came along , I opened up a bit more . Unfortunately it someone came out as being fliHigh school was an experiment in who to trust and who not to let in close to my personal space . I had friends , however again , I felt like an outcast . I didn 't really fit in to any one group and felt like I didn 't belong anywhere . Where everyone is looking for the approval of their peers and trying to garner acceptance I eventually realized I was more accepted by the guys than the gals . The girls thought I was a slut ( hadn 't even lost my virginity yet ) but the boys were nice to me . I found the more I tried to fit in with the girls , the more I felt like an outsider . But the more I hung out with the boys , the more comfortable I felt . And that realization is what led me on the downward spiral of pain , betrayal and abuse that I lived with with the men I chose to have in my life . He was a year older than me , wore a black leather jacket , had long hair and drove a black pickup truck . He went to another high school and knew some of my friends from junior high . Friendly and outgoing , he charmed me the day we met . He said I was pretty and that anyone would be so lucky to be in my company . I was smitten . Someone was interested in me ! This popular guy with a smile that would melt an ice shield said that he wanted to take me out and get to know me . We spent the first month getting to know each other and sharing our secrets . I came to trust him and found myself missing him when he wasn 't there . He would pick me up from school and we would go out for ice cream or grab a bite to eat . My friends at school thought he was a great guy and whenever he visited me at my school people just gravitated towards him . I felt so lucky . I invited him to come to our schools fashion show one night . My friend , a guy , was doing a saxophone solo and my other friend was a model in the show . My best friend met me there and the three of us sat together to watch the fashion show . When our guy friend did his solo we clapped and cheered . My boyfriend seemed happy and in good spirits . After the show we left and as we walked down the road towards the lot where he parked his truck , he told me he saw how much of a crush I had on the guy playing the sax . I told him God no , he was just a friend . He didn 't believe me . He went into the middle of the road in front of the school at the intersection and layed down . Cars were honking and swerving to avoid him . He just layed there yelling that if he ever caught me talking to my guy friend he would throw himself into traffic . I didn 't know what to do so I begged him to get up . He did , and I clung to him , convinced I was never going to talk to another guy again . I thought everything was fine after that , until we got into his truck and he pulled a gun from out of the middle console . He put it to his head and pulled the trigger … * click * . He just smiled at me . " I love you . I love youAfter a while the abuse got so bad that I didn 't care anymore . He chased me around the plaza lot with a crowbar . Tried earnestly to run me over with his truck . Threw a hammer at my head and when that missed he threw a dresser at me . Abandoned me on the side of the highway far from home . Forced me to miss Christmas with my family . Set my stuff on fire . Punched me in the face . Threatened to kill me . Got me drunk and had his way with me as I vomited over the side of the bed . While we were up to his families cabin , alone , he pointed a crossbow at my head then chased me through the forest laughing hysterically . After every single one of these instances he would apologize for his actions while crying and promise never to hurt me again . He said he loved me and that I made him do it and that I should try harder to make him happy . So I did . He wanted a baby so I tried to give him one . When I couldn 't get pregnant he blamed me and said it was because I didn 't love him enough so he punched me in the stomach and said if I couldn 't give him a baby than I would never give anyone else one either . My dad , my friends , my family … no one knew about what was going on . I didn 't tell a soul . I thought it was normal . I was 15yrs old and this was my first relationship . I spiraled into a deep , deep hole of severe depression and anger , only I couldn 't let out my anger because I didn 't want him to know I was miserable so instead I internalized it and I became sullen , withdrawn , very sad . One night we got into a fight while we were out . It was the end of winter . We were standing in the empty parking lot of a library . He had just broken up with me for the dozenth time and demanded his engagement ring back . When I refused to give it to him he punched me in the face and almost broke my nose . I took the ring off and threw it into a snowbank then ran . Blood pouring from my nose I didn 't stop running for blocks . I could hear him screaming my name as I ran . I called my friend to tell her what happened but she had gone on a ski triFour months later , after a particularly brutal day of him beating me , I stabbed him in the arm . I 'd had enough . The police came . The ambulance came . My then ex had a huge gash in his right forearm . We were both charged but I didn 't care . I was free from him . Now the law told him he had to stay away from me . Although I was out of that relationship with him , away from the beatings , the abuse , the assault on my spirit , I was so depressed I thought about suicide . I didn 't have the means to cope with what happened to me . I hadn 't even realized WHAT happened to me until I started reading about it in the school library … Relationship Violence . . Partner Abuse . . Dating Violence . That day I learned that what happened to me was NOT normal , that was NOT how relationships are supposed to work and that he probably did not really love me but was more obsessed with me . I didn 't know where to turn to , who to talk to or what to do . Just before my 19th birthday I moved to Nova Scotia , this time on my own accord . I had family and friends out there and I wanted desperately to start over again , to get away from the pain and anguish I was still feeling . It was there that I met a man who was kind , gentle and accepting of me and my trauma . We had a great relationship for about six years . The problem was during that six years all that pent up pain , anger and resentment started to seep out . I became angry . Very angry . The slightest thing would set me off . At first I just thought it was work stress . But after I switched jobs it got worse . I couldn 't focus . I started yelling at my partner , would burst into tears out of nowhere , began having feelings of incredible self doubt and really started to hate myself . This all led to binge eating and a dependency on marijuana and alcohol . When I started to gain weight from the binging and drinking I sunk even lower . I recognized something was wrong and went to see my family doctor . I told her I thought I had an anger management problem and opened up about what had happened with my abusive ex and a bit about my mother . At 21yrs old I was told I had clinical depression . Clinical depression … it sounded so …… sterile and cold . She explained that what I had been experiencing , the anger and outbursts etc , was a part of the depression . She asked me to find out my families mental health history . After speaking with my mother and aunt , I discovered that while physical ailments afflicted the men on my maternal side , mental health issues were rampant with the women . Depression , anxiety , drug and alcohol abuse , obsessive compulsive disorder , agoraphobia … my mothers side of the family with the women read like a dictionary of mental health issues . I was stunned . I also learned that these illnesses can be genetic , and because alcoholism was so prevalent in my family , with both the men and women , I was at high risk of becoming an alcoholic . My doctor put me on a low dose antidepressant and referred me to a therapist . AltThe first few months after I moved back home were hard . I was still severely depressed and emotionally void of anything other then despair . It got better though . I got a job , reconnected with a couple of close friends and with the help of my sister and her friends I was able to find a bit of joy again . I also started cognitive behavioral therapy and a new , higher dose anti depressant . Things were going well ! I was going out and being social and managed to make quite a few friends from one of the dating sites I had initially only used for hook ups . It was through this dating site and those new friends that I met my next partner . I had all but sworn off dating before I met him and gave up on the idea of a family of my own … but something about him made my legs weak , my stomach flittery and my heart stop . The moment we shook hands you could feel the zap in the air . We were inseparable after that . I will be the first to admit that I fell harder for him that I had both intended to and should have . I wasn 't prepared . I knew I should have backed off but he made me feel so good ! He was charming , sweet , incredibly handsome . I tried to take things slow but three months after we met I found out I was seven weeks pregnant . The emotions came tumbling out like a volcano . I was on birth control and he , most of the time , wore a condom so I was very surprised that I got pregnant . And after failing to become pregnant by my abusive ex as a teenager then by my fiance I was all but convinced I was infertile . So finding out I was pregnant was a wonderful moment . When I told him he was , like me , terrified but happy . He was unemployed but promised to start looking for work and get a job right away . He said we would make it work . He said everything would be ok , that he loved me and that this was the best thing to happen to us . He promised he would make sure we would be ok . He promised . And I believed him . Not long after that he moved in with me . When I was at work , puking at my desk from morning sickness , he was at home in his jammies doing his artwork , not looking for work . More time went by and he still was not looking for work . He would spend his time on the internet on the dating site chat boards having fights and debates with people . I started to highly doubt he would find a job anytime soon so I began nagging him to find work . He said he was , but all he seemed interested in doing was writing and doing his artwork . We began fighting . At first it wasn 't so bad , just a tiff here and there . But it escalated quickly . He wouldn 't even help out a friend at his job when he offered to pay him . Instead I did and when I came home with the money he had payed me he demanded I hand it over to him insisting it was " our money " . He used that money , along with the money he was given by his father , to buy weed and beer . He literally sat on his ass doing nothing but get high , drink and draw his art . One day , after a particularly bad argument , he wrapped his arm around my neck from behind and squeezed . I couldn 't breath so I tried hitting him to get him off of me . He threw me to the couch and said the most horrible things . I called the police on him . They arrived and asked him to leave without pressing charges . I was four months pregnant with his child so I took him back . Afterall , we loved each other and he had promised he was going to make things work no matter what . Two days later came a knock on the door . Six officers were at my door . Apparently the officers who first responded didn 't do their jobs properly and should have arrested him . That was why the other officers were there . He was arrested on the spot and taken off to jail . He was ordered not to have any contact with me nor I with him . Not long after that I moved into a bigger apartment and again took him back . We were going to make this work . However , he assaulted me again two months later and was arrested and charged again . He still hadn 't found a job , Thanksgiving weekend of 2010 was a turning point for me in my relationship with my partner . He still was not working , was high everyday , refused to watch our child and made it a point to make me feel even worse than the last time he put me down or insulted me . That weekend , while our daughter was away with family , he sexually assaulted me twice . First in the shower then in the bedroom where he said he was going to " finish what he started " . As I layed there with him on top of me , staring blankly out the window , I shut all my emotions off and let the numbness I had known so well take over . I felt like a shell of the person I had struggled to hold onto . All the hard work I had put into trying to become a better person went out that window . He said to me , " look at you , you can 't even look at me " . But he didn 't stop . When he finally finished he got off of me and said " that was fucking pathetic " . I hated him . And even worse , I hated myself . It was April of the following year that I finally left him . He had introduced me to an old school friend of his a couple months before and right after I left him I started dating his friend . I had my doubts , however this guy told me that I deserved better and that he could treat me the way I deserved to be treated , loved the way I should have been loved by all the other men in my past who clearly did not appreciate me enough . I was so angry and sad and void of love for myself that I believed him . What started out as something I saw as promising quickly turned into a living , breathing nightmare . This person needled me daily about my ex , the father of my child , questioned me , argued with me , accused me and gaslighted me all the time . It was emotionally exhausting . He was insanely jealous of any man I was friends with and systematically worked his way through all of them to alienate me from them . He insulted my sister , judged my family , blamed me for all my past trauma … " well you 're so fucked up it must all be your fault . Maybe everyone was right " . He would harang me to the point where I would have a knife to my wrist then wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loved me and he wouldn 't let anything happen to me , but then tell me " you can 't make a whore a housewife " . After my miscarriage he talked me into letting his ejaculate inside of me , telling me that if I got pregnant it 's because it was meant to be . His grandparents had just died via a murder / suicide and he wanted to bring life into the world where two lives were lost . I also wanted a sibling for my daughter . The following year my second daughter was born . Before her birth my depression was out of control . I was allowing this man to verbally beat me every day , giving in to his tirades and accepting that everything he was doing and saying to me was somehow my fault . He never came to any doctors appointments . He never helped me during my pregnancy . He didn 't even believe the child was his , he was convinced my ex was the father and when our child was three months old he made us do a paternity test . He sexually assaulted me numerous times when I was pregnant and struck me in the face more than once . My feelings of self worth were nonexistent . My confidence was shot and I felt like I had died a thousand times inside . I had trouble bonding with the pregnancy because I was so upset all the time and I started to doubt whether or not I deserved this child , let alone my first daughter . The insomnia started again and although I wanted to gToday , at 35yrs old , I still struggle with periods of feeling worthless and questioning whether or not I 'll ever feel ok . Some days are better than others , however I now recognize what triggers my depression and how to avoid falling back into that deep , dark void . After a period of remaining single and staying far away from men relationships I reconnected with an old school friend . We have been dating for three months and are taking things as slow as possible . He is aware of my depression and anxiety and has offered his support . I have opened up to him a bit about the past abuse and while part of me wants to tell him everything , I have learned to set boundaries for what I am comfortable with . I am not ready to tell him everything and he doesn 't push me to . I am grateful for that and to have someone I know , that I trust , to be with and open up to and when he tells me he loves me and cares about me deep down I believe him because for once in my life it feels right . He doesn 't hurt me . I have learned a lot over the past while , both about myself and about the many faces and facets of my depression . For one thing I have come to realize that up until recently I had no respect for myself nor much love for myself . This is what attracted the awful men into my life . People like that feed on weakness because its easier to manipulate a person who doesn 't care about themselves . I have also learned that I can control my depression with therapy , keeping up with my meds , a healthy diet and exercise . I recognize my triggers and I am becoming more and more aware of my inner voice that tells me when things aren 't right . Accepting that I am imperfect but worthy of love is a recent development . It 's one that both my partner and I are learning together . I have also learned that I need to have the courage to move beyond my past trauma and that the depression does not own me but is still a part of me . One day at a time . Baby steps . All I can do is be aware of my self and keep on top of my self from the perspective of someone who has been through hell and back but is still here to talk about it . Please , if you relate to one or all of these stories , know this … You are far from alone . There are people who love you and want to help you . Posted on January 5 , 2014 by goodgeekkeeping I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar . I don 't hide it . It 's part of who I am but by no means all of who I am . I feel that being open about having mental illness will help destigmatize it . Before diagnosis , I knew something was wrong with me but I didn 't know what . I was angry all the time . I mean , rage out angry . I did things I couldn 't explain which hurt myself and others . I didn 't like this person but I didn 't know how to stop . I 've started to get my feet underneath me in the last 2 - 3 years . I 'm starting to understand my triggers much better . I 'm balancing my need for social with my families need for me , much better . My kids are better behaved . I don 't know if it 's because I 'm more understanding or because they know they can actually do right now so … lets do right . Either way , I 'm yelling much less ( if at all ) for so many reasons . I hugged him tight and explained that I was sick for a very long time and being sick made my temper hard to control , but I 've gotten better for them . For my boys . I got better so that I could be a better mommy . He is now downstairs playing with his brother innocently oblivious to what kind of mark he made on my heart and my recovery today . What seems like a little moment to him is huge to me . I will never forget this . If you 're struggling with mental health issues , please read this and know you can get better , you can be the person you want to be . This is NOT who you are . You are wonderful , loving , fun , and unique . A quiet moment with my youngest
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There were a couple of high points , only one of which was really big . The big one was my husband 's promotion , so much earlier than we expected it to be . The other high points : visiting my family in April ( slightly marred by the TSA abuse ) , and selling one of my stories to the Ravaged anthology . But sitting here , I remember exactly a year ago we brought Asuka home from the vet after her leg amputation . I am still grateful for the year we got to have with her following that event , but I 'd be lying if I said it didn 't color the rest of the year . Everything just went downhill from there . I still ache when I think of my precious fur babies in heaven . I still have dreams about them , still go through pictures of them , still cry every once in a while . I think my strong emotions have drawn Daisy closer to me , as she seems to feel the need to protect me . She often curls up under the covers with me or stretches out along my back . I had a strange dream last night where she turned into a bird , but I didn 't know it was her . She 'd land on my fingers or my shoulder . Then Asuka pounced , and she turned back into a cat and hissed . Dusty sat nearby and just watched , licking his chops . I can usually interpret dreams pretty well , but I 'm not sure what to think of this one . Anyway , 2013 needs to kick 2012 's ass . So I am restarting Write 1 Sub 1 with every intention of surpassing my achievements in 2011 . I 'll be teaching a lot of classes , which will keep me busy and tired . I think 2013 will definitely go down as a year to remember , and in a much better way . Happy New Year ! May 2013 bring you the granting of many wishes , the realization of many dreams , and the wit and presence to notice . ; ) I 'm going to look up some story ideas now . Three weeks to the day after losing Dusty , last Friday Asuka followed him to the light . Her breathing had been getting heavier , and early Friday morning she had a fit where she was fighting to breathe and panicking a bit . At first we thought she was still doing okay , because she demanded breakfast , but she had another fit a couple of hours later . I told Logan how she hadn 't gone upstairs on her own in several days , she was wobbly when she walked or when I set her down on her feet , and seemed to be going downhill faster . She could barely even purr anymore . We found out later that she weighed only about three pounds , so she 'd lost weight she didn 't have to lose . The vet would be closed until Monday , and I was scared she would have more , and worse , fits over the weekend . It seemed the line between living comfortably and suffering had been crossed . When Logan saw her having the second fit , we agreed that it was time to take her in . Both of us were looking for reasons not to , of course . After making the call , I spent the rest of the day with Asuka sleeping in my lap . My mind shrieked at me the whole time , telling me it was too soon , that maybe she would get better , that maybe a miracle was lying it wait . But I knew it wasn 't . She had cancer , and it was in her lungs . Just like my grandmother , who came home to die after learning that . The visit was much like what happened with Dusty , except that the office was very busy . We sat on the exit side in two isolated chairs away from everyone else . A lady showed us into a small room we 'd never been in before , and put the table down . I kept Asuka in my lap as she gave her the sedative shot . I petted her and repeated how much we loved her . I lifted Asuka up on the table and cried as she was given the final shot . We were told she might convulse , but that she wouldn 't feel anything . Nothing like that happened . She merely stopped breathing . And then she was gone . They left us alone with her to say our goodbyes . I asked her to please give our love to Dusty when she saw him . We petted her , I kissed the top of her head on her little orange spot , and we hugged each other and cried . We wrapped her up in the blanket they 'd given us , and quietly left . I don 't think I 've ever been this seriously depressed . I am having an extreme crisis of faith . I prayed for them both , every single day of their entire lives . These two cats were the first ones I 'd ever had as indoor cats , and I was always impressed how much longer indoor cats lived , even into their twenties . So why was it not to be with these two ? We did everything we could to keep them healthy and happy . I feel like I failed them somehow , like I didn 't try hard enough , I didn 't do the right things . My conscious mind tells me how ridiculous that is , that we did more for them than most people do for their pets , that we gave them peaceful deaths with dignity . And I am grateful that we were able to give Asuka a year that she wouldn 't have had with us otherwise . But I can 't seem to convince myself . I feel like I will collapse under the weight of guilt . Daisy seems to be at a loss . I swear she roams around upstairs expecting the other two to pop out at her . Every once in a while , I hear her meow up there , like she 's calling for them . She follows me around a lot more now . She 's lying on the table next to the computer as I type this . We 've decided not to adopt any other animals for now . But we are seriously considering fostering homeless animals that are rescued from shelters before they can be euthanized . One such group has adoption clinics at Petzoo every once in a while , and I asked about it . We had adopted Daisy from another such rescue group almost two years ago . That way I can help as many animals as possible without becoming the local Crazy Cat Lady . Asuka had found us in June of 2003 , perching herself on the porch railing of my in - law 's house and waiting patiently for us to come out and welcome her . Dusty found us a few months later the same year , announcing his arrival on the deck during feeding time with a mighty thump . They gave us nine years of love , friendship , and much purring . I suppose that they both left us in the same year is fitting , but it should have been years from now . " Augh ! This is the last day ! This is it ! I only have twenty - four hours left ! Help me , help me ! This is the last day ! Auuuuuuuugh ! " The worst part was that Dusty 's health did not improve . He started slipping back down the health hill , getting weaker and not eating . I made an appointment for the doc to see both Dusty and Asuka and get his opinion on options . He told us the straight , bleak truth : Dusty wasn 't going to get better on his own , and most of the options were not comfortable ones . Things like feeding tubes and subcutaneous fluid shots , etc . And none of it would necessarily help . He said that at some point you have to decide when you 're doing it for the health and well - being of the cat , and when you 're doing it for yourself . That struck a chord with both me and Logan . When he examined Asuka , he noted her breathing was a bit heavier than usual , which I had also noticed . He told us that he didn 't recommend any more surgeries to remove lumps because it had likely metastasized to her lungs now anyway . He did suggest a steroid that would help her appetite and help her general health . Then he left us alone to discuss options . I told Logan that I couldn 't bear the thought of putting Dusty through any more pain , but that I also could not stand the idea of bringing him home and watching him die slowly . I had watched several beloved cats die because we couldn 't take them to the vet when I was growing up . Logan agreed : we were both there to love him and pet him as we said goodbye , and he could go to sleep without any pain . As for Asuka , we decided to get the steroid . When he came back , the vet gave Dusty a sedative . He fell asleep in Logan 's lap . A little while later , the vet returned with an assistant to give him the final shot . He said that Dusty was gone so fast , he was probably on the way out with the sedative . We knew that he must have been a very sick kitty indeed . They left so we could say our goodbyes . Then the assistant returned to make a print from his paw to craft an ornament with his name and paw print on it . We decided to have him cremated , since the ground is frozen , and we wouldn 't be able to bury him sufficiently with our shallow ground . That way , we could keep his ashes until the time Asuka passes , so we can release their ashes somewhere together , maybe on one of our favorite hikes . Asuka is doing well on the steroid . She 's eating like crazy and still seems pretty healthy despite the huge lumps and the breathing . She 's even demanding people food , like meat and cheese , which she never had before . She sits by my side and I feed her little bits of meat from my stew as I 'm eating . At this point , she can eat whatever she wants . I still give her the Life Gold on her evening food . She 's sleeping in my lap as I type this , purring . There 's a hole in the house without Dusty here . It feels so wrong . I keep glancing up , expecting to see him sitting at the top of the stairs . Without him as a buffer , Daisy and Asuka have not been getting along so well . But I know Dusty 's in a better place , healthy and fluffy . The gold tin with his ashes sits above the window with his Stuffed Dusty toy and the paw print ornament . I have no idea how much longer Asuka will be with us , but I intend to keep her as happy as I can for as long as I can . This all pretty much spelled disaster for Nanowrimo . I attended one writing meeting , and wrote a little over one thousand words . Then I never even so much as glanced at the website or tried to write another word . I felt sucked dry of imagination , inspiration , and drive . Part of that is also due to the fact that I 'm working my butt off at the club . We lost three instructors over the summer , and two more with pregnancies . One of those instructors is back , but the other instructor carrying the club with me is going on vacation this month . I 'll be teaching fourteen hours a week until middle of January , fifteen hours a week a couple of those weeks . And that 's only if no one else asks me to sub for them . To top it all off , there 's no snow here ! We got two brief little spits , but the wind blew it all away almost immediately . The winds have been awful , this current blast being the worst of all . Once , when climbing into the car in a store parking lot , I couldn 't close my door . I pulled with all my strength , with both hands , and with one foot braced . I guess the gusts have been up to eighty - five miles an hour in some places . It sure feels like it . I hope we have it before Christmas rolls around . I even prefer the below zero temps to this wind . At least that gave us some beautiful frost . So , generally depressing . But I 'm trying to find some bright spots . We still have Asuka , and she still seems to be enjoying life . Daisy , Bruno , and Uffda all seem happy . I talked to some people with Alaska Cat Adoption about the possibility of fostering in the future . Logan got a promotion to a position he was hoping to get . And all this exercising keeps me looking hot . : ) The biggest thing that has happened concerns my cats . My Tripawed Wonder seems to be doing okay , except that her lump has returned with reinforcements . They don 't seem to be bothering her at this time , but I continue giving her the ES Clear drops since she appears so healthy otherwise . ES Clear has been improved and renamed to Life Gold now . Doesn 't need to be refrigerated , which is nice , since Asuka hates cold stuff . I can 't take her to the vet now because a week ago , Dusty ended up staying at the vet for four days due to renal failure . Unfortunately , what caused it can 't really be determined right now . The biggest signal was that he stopped eating , stopped using the litter box , and drank water like crazy . Then his coat got dull and saggy , his eyes sunken and weepy , and he got extremely lethargic , though restless . He started eating shortly after getting fluids . When I went to visit him , he had his face in his food bowl . Everyone that worked there loved him , said he was so friendly . Dusty is also on a medication , the name of which escapes me at the moment . He gets it every three and a half days , and there 's even a choice of flavors . He 's not fond of it being forced on him , but he doesn 't seem to mind the taste of it either . He 's thriving , though he 's not quite back to his normal self . He 's more mellow now , as though tired easily . But something interesting happened in the house while he was gone : In the year and a half since we adopted her , she has stayed downstairs while Dusty and Asuka ruled the upstairs . I guess since Asuka didn 't pitch a fit when she came up to investigate , and Dusty wasn 't there to protest , she has decided it 's safe enough now . Daisy loves sleeping under the covers in our bed . And playing with the ear plugs I wear when hubby snores . I 'll have to clean things up now since she plays with everything . And I do mean EVERYTHING . That 's all I can think of to post at the moment . I 'll try to be more regular with this whole writing thing . Especially since next month is Nanowrimo . : ) I realize it 's a lot like exercise . Exercise is so much a part of me now that even if I quit my teaching job , I 'd probably still feel the need to exercise just as often . However , if I were to stop for a period of time , say for vacation , I know how hard it would be to get going again . Even harder for someone who hasn 't done a lot of exercising to begin with . I 'm in the middle of two stories at this time . And my " Encantado " story will soon be released as part of the Ravaged Anthology from Breathless Press . I got a check in the mail that reflected the royalties from an anthology published last year . I 'm also considering maybe I need a change of venue . As in , different places to write , rather than this same desk over and over , day in and day out . Thinking of maybe getting addicted to coffee and hanging out in coffee houses . I just have a hard time motivating myself to leave the house these days . When I do , it 's to go teach . I love the formats that I teach , and I love the fantastic body I get from teaching all these classes . And the club has been updating the equipment , making the actual teaching more enjoyable . I 'm just so tired . July is the hardest month because I 'm learning four new routines , teaching all my own classes , and subbing for a lot of instructors who go on vacation during the summer . At least now all the new releases are done , so I can stop practicing for a month . Sigh . I haven 't posted on my little tripawed kitty 's recovery and adjustment because she 'd been doing so well , there was nothing really to say . She 's almost completely the same as she used to be , with the exception of the fact that she can no longer move stealthily like cats do . She sounds more like an elephant wearing snowshoes . I can usually hear her from anywhere in the house . For a while , I even stopped giving her the ES Clear . This was because she doesn 't eat much canned food , and I can 't put it on the dry , since she eats so randomly . Also , the other two fat cats mob me whenever they hear the refrigerator open because they know it means good stuff is coming out . It 's hard to separate Asuka enough so that she will actually eat the food with the drops on it . And she does NOT tolerate having the drops put in her mouth with the dropper . As with the last time , this tumor didn 't seem to bother her any . Nor did her health seem off in any way . But knowing what we know now , I decided to take her to the vet to see what he thought . He told me honestly that if it were his cat , he 'd do the surgery to remove the tumor . She 's healthy , and removing the tumor could help her stay that way . Since he had a week off , he told me to take the time to think about it . The tumor had popped up pretty quickly . I check her almost every day . I thought to myself , if there 's a possibility that this is her last year with us , I want to do whatever I can to make her happy . I told my husband that I wish animals could tell us what they want . She 's always trying to get outside once the weather warms up . She yowls at the door , begging for the chance . So I figured I 'd let her do that on the days that I don 't go anywhere , so I could be there to let her back in the moment she wants to . ( The collar is to let the neighbors know that she has a home . ) I also started her back on the ES Clear . If there 's a possibility this could improve her situation to the point that the tumors don 't come back , I 'm willing to put up with the hassle . At least she seems interested in the canned food now , though I can 't usually get her to eat it more than once a day . She 's got a row of staples running along her neck and shoulder area . The vet said he got as much of it as he could , and also removed a couple of much smaller tumors in her neck . He took very little muscle tissue in the process . He seemed very satisfied about the results . The funniest part is that last time we brought her home , I thought she 'd want to be downstairs by the fire , since it was December . She proved me wrong by running upstairs and hiding . So I thought this time I 'd take her upstairs so she could hide . Ten minutes later , she came down the stairs ( very wobbly and slowly ) to sit by the heater . Tonight I brought home a can of tuna to see if she 'd be interested in it . After sitting by the heat for a while earlier in the evening , she threw up a couple of times and seemed way out of it still , so I took her back upstairs and blocked the stairs with the ironing board . I offered her the tuna water with some flakes of tuna floating in it . For all that she 's acting drunk as a skunk , she still seems very healthy . She 's behaving just like herself , albeit a more wobbly version . I have the feeling she 's going to be sleeping on top of me tonight . As you can probably tell from the title of my blog , I live in Alaska . The only family I have here is my husband . Everyone else in our family lives in the Lower 48 . I travel to visit them as often as I can , which isn 't very often . Let me attempt to sum up the other ways of traveling to the Lower 48 . You can drive through Canada , but of course they have their own rules , which makes it very difficult to protect yourself with your weapon of choice . Depending on how much time you spend driving each day , it would take at least four days , probably more ( maybe less if you drive like a zombie ) to get to California . Unless you want to sleep at rest stops or the side of the road , you 'll need money to stay in hotels . And this is just one way . You 'd double that to come back to Alaska the same way . You could drive part of the way and do part on the ferries . I looked at the cost for a ferry from Whittier ( a couple hours drive from where I live ) to Bellingham , Washington ( I think that was the place ) . For a round trip with your car , it would cost over $ 2 , 000 , and that doesn 't include sleeping accommodations . You would camp on the deck or sleep in your car . Google Maps suggests doing three ferries , taking you to Juneau , and then to Washington . I didn 't look at the cost of this collectively , but it sure doesn 't save any time . Also , you are at the mercy of the ferry launch dates , which are extremely limited . I had no issue with flying until recently . I don 't like it , to be sure . I 'm a Taurus ; I prefer my feet planted on the Earth and my nose in the grass . I get migraines easily , so I have to drink a lot of water . I try to sit at a window seat because I develop rashes under my arms when I 'm stuck in the middle ( due to my nervous sweating ) . I 've had some of the worst seat mates , like the drunk guy trying to pick a fight with the guy on my other side . ( I 'm pretty sure there 's a blog post on that one somewhere . ) Ted Stevens International Airport in Anchorage has acquired the new body scanners . I don 't know which ones they are specifically , whether they take nude photos or the generic ones . My heart sank as soon as I saw it . I 'd done some research on the subject when the uproar started . As far as I 'm concerned , there isn 't enough evidence to support the idea that these things are safe . When doctors say they won 't go through them , I find this rather damning . Of course TSA isn 't going to say anything bad about them . If they admitted anything , no one would tolerate their use . Here 's the trump for me . Forget about whether it 's healthy for the individual going through once or twice a year , like me . What about the people that work around these things for full shifts , day in and day out ? Have the scanners been tested for the long term health of the TSA agents themselves ? Anyway , I decided it wasn 't worth it to me to go through it . And they were sending EVERYONE through it that evening . It wasn 't random selection . Maybe it was because there weren 't as many people traveling that evening . I don 't know . The gentleman called " Female opt out , " and had me stand aside . One traveler got confused when she saw me standing there , thinking she was waiting in line behind me . Other than that , I don 't know if anyone else noticed my choice to opt out . The supervisor was the lady on duty at that time and she walked me over to the pat down area . I was keeping an eye on my stuff and she kept stopping behind me . She mentioned that she had to stay behind me , and I said , " As long as I can see my stuff . " She agreed , and my stuff was brought over to a spot within my sight . Before she got started , I was already shaking . I had prayed that I would never be put through this , but I needed to see it through . I 've never been selected for a random pat down , so I had no idea ( other than the horror stories ) what to expect . But I figured it was my duty to at least see if it was as bad as others say it is . She promised to tell me everything she was going to do before she did it , which she did . She started with my hair , down the back of my neck . She used the back of her hands to glide over my bottom . Then she said that she was going to slide her hands up my leg until she reached " torso resistance . " Those were the words she used . As she slid up , one of her gloved fingers caught on the fabric of my pants , which made her hands come up too fast . She bumped me right on the sensitive spot of my groin . It was a good thing I had warned her about my training , because I did not hit the agent . She was ready for movements like that . What if I had said nothing , and then kneed her in the face ? I would have been hauled off to jail for " assault . " But she apologized , and continued on . There were no further incidents from that point on , but the damage had been done . It took all I had not to burst into tears . I saved it for the bathroom , where I pummeled the stall door in anger . She managed not to touch my groin on the other leg . And she also managed not to touch my breasts when she cupped her hands under them . She thanked me for my cooperation , and I thanked her for her understanding . Now I 've had plenty of time to reflect . My experience was actually decent compared to what has happened to others . But why was it decent for me ? I lucked out and got a decent human being for an agent , first of all . We understood each other . And while I think she should reconsider her choice of profession , at least she did her job in the best possible way . I don 't know if she shared any of my views , but she knew I was very upset being put in the situation . I am a very thin girl . I have almost nothing in the bosom department . It was very easy for someone to pat down without touching something on me . But think about that phrase , torso resistance . That means EVERY man that goes through is going to get touched on the junk . Every woman that isn 't as skinny as me is going to get touched in the sensitive place . Any woman with a bra size bigger than mine is going to get fondled . Anyone wearing baggy clothes , or adult diapers , or with medical issues is going to get groped . And I got a NICE person . I 've heard about others who power trip , who harass travelers because they have a " badge , " who steal stuff because they can get away with it . I saw a little of it myself at the Anchorage airport , as a few of the agents behaved as if they wished they had cattle prods in their hands . I can 't even imagine what it must mean for people who have been sexually traumatized in some way . The very idea makes me sad . And very angry . Now compare this to my return trip from the Sacramento , California airport . They now have the body scanners as well . But because this was a much busier time I was flying ( I assume that was the reason ) , only a few random individuals were sent through the body scanners . I was not , so I did not even get the chance to opt out and see if my experience would be different there . I did the usual removal of the shoes , putting my stuff in the buckets , and walked through the metal detector without any issue and went on my merry way in seconds . Just like I always used to . So what is someone in my position to do ? If I want to take a stand and refuse to fly , I 'm severely limited in my choices if I want to see my family . Basically , I would need roughly three weeks in order to spend a week with my family if I choose to drive . And I would have to spend twice , maybe three times as much to do so , not to mention the money I would lose taking the time off . And what if I opt out of the scanner and get an agent who is not polite , who does a full on grope instead of an accidental bump ? I 'm trained to prevent this kind of treatment . Parents tell their children not to let anyone touch their private parts . Why is this any different ? I don 't know these people . I didn 't do a background check on them . Will it take a slew of cancer to show the dangers of body scanners ? And who says any terrorist will get caught in the first place ? Drug smugglers were getting through with TSA assistance . All it takes is for one to get hired that 's willing to help them . Some people would say , " Well , why don 't you move ? " Those people don 't understand what that would take . That is not a cheap option either , not if you want to keep all your stuff and your cars . And I feel that the economy is worse in the Lower 48 than it is here . Why would we want to move ? Why should we move just because we want to avoid plane travel ? There have been so many articles about pat down horrors , about ways to get stuff through the body scanners without being detected , and health issues , and TSA corruption and incompetence . All I can really say is , " Do your own research . " See what you can find on your own . Don 't listen to the TSA , and don 't listen to only one or two individuals like me . This is a very important issue for Alaskans because our travel to the rest of the nation is so limited . There is so much more that I could say about the subject , but it would fill a book . Just remember that we only really know what we 're told by others . So try to hear as many different voices on the subject as you can , and see what the majority is saying before you make your own decision . I 've hardly written a thing since March . I started a story , but haven 't finished it . I just reached a point where I didn 't have the energy or the desire . My brain wanted to move on to other things I had neglected , such as playing guitar and making mini teddy bears . I had new routines to learn , which means practicing and teaching , which means lots of exercise . Lots . It really is impossible to do all the things we want to and need to in the time we have as humans . In a way , they 're right . I don 't . Well , not in the traditional sense of being the next J . K . Rowling or Stephanie Meyer . I don 't have those kinds of unrealistic aspirations . All I want to do is entertain people . I like to sing , dance , write , make gifts that delight the receivers . If I become famous and rich while doing such things , all right then . I 'll accept that . And who knows ? Maybe in a few years I 'll look back on this entry and do some howling myself . " What was I thinking ? Why , oh , why didn 't I just plunk my butt in the chair and apply my fingers to the keyboard every single day like I did most of 2011 ? " Last year was intense . Doing Write 1 Sub 1 , I think I produced more in that year than in all the other years combined that I 've ever written something . I was full steam ahead , and I got twelve stories published , something I never dreamed would actually happen . Of course , for the first part of her healing process after the surgery , Asuka did not like being held much . And truth be told , it was easier to pick her up and hold her when she had the huge , stiff wrap around her because it gave me something to stabilize her body with . So the first few times picking her up after the wrap came off were challenging . I was used to hooking my fingers around both her front legs and scooping her up , but I quickly realized that wasn 't going to work anymore . And she yowled at first because everything was raw and sore . ( I know , I state the obvious , but this is part of the learning process , living with a newly tripawed kitty . ) Now her scars are healed up and the crusty stuff has fallen off . Her fur is nearly grown back in as well , making the surgery scar even less obvious . And she no longer yowls when I pick her up . She 's beginning to like being held once more . One of her favorite things to do before was to stretch herself out while hanging over my shoulder . She 's beginning to figure out how to leverage herself so that she can do a variation of that stretch . Asuka is very trusting and literally drapes her body over my shoulder when she feels stable enough . She also no longer minds the surgery site being petted . This is nice because I can pet her whole body now , rather than skimming by the sore areas . It 's difficult to tell if the ES Clear is helping her all that much . Asuka behaves as normally now as she did before ( with adjustments ) . She even caught a shrew a few weeks ago ! And she played with it by tossing it in the air , just like before . She 's not as skinny because I 've been giving her an extra feeding of canned food with the ES Clear drops on it . I discovered she does not care for the canned food that looks like small cubes of meat in stew . She just licks all the stew off and leaves the cubes . So I have to mash it all up before she 'll consider eating it . Never knew she was that picky ! She has adapted to the missing front leg much better than I hoped , and she seems to be completely healed . Posted by The weather has been so strange . Tons of snow in December , negative twenty degree temperatures most of January , and now mostly mid thirties and raining this month ! Everything is slick and dangerous out there , and the snow has been sliding off the roof in big chunks . The snow is now piled higher than the edge of the deck around the front of the cabin . I 'm wondering what the weather has up its sleeve for next month . On second thought , maybe I don 't want to know . I 've received my first acceptance of 2012 ! It 's the second story I wrote this year for Write 1 Sub 1 , and It 'll be my second publication with this publisher , the first being " Bordello Secrets . " So yes , Mom , before you ask , it is erotica and it 's even more explicit than " Bordello Secrets " is . ( Heat rating of 3 vs Heat rating of 2 . ) Asuka , my Tripawed Adventurer , has been doing very well . Her scars are healing up and her fur is growing back . She has caught one shrew , and she spends a lot of time sleeping in her favorite chair upstairs . She is very affectionate these days , but less inclined to sleep on me as she was before . I 'm still giving her the ES Clear , two - three drops a day , even though the directions say twice a day . It 's hard to get her to eat canned food more than once a day . For one thing , she has access to dry food whenever she wants . And also , she doesn 't want to eat when the other two cats try to mob her to get a taste . And as soon as they hear me opening the can , the other two are right there begging for it . So it 's difficult to find a place where Asuka can and will eat in peace . Don 't hate me because I 'm beautiful . She goes up and down stairs in complete ease . The only time I 've seen her falter was the time Daisy swatted at her from under the bottom stairs and she nearly fell off , but she saved herself . Sometimes she doesn 't cover up her stuff in the litter box . But then again , neither does Dusty . All in all , she seems to be just dandy . It 's such a relief to see her happy and purring . So I believe it has been three weeks now since we brought Asuka home from having her front leg amputated . She 's getting around much easier now : her walking is smoother , I just saw her come downstairs almost as fast as she goes up , and she 's figuring things out . There are still a few moments that wrench and warm my heart at the same time . She 's eating less of the canned food and more of her usual dry food now , which means her little puking moments are back again . ( Oy . ) I 've been giving her a couple of drops of the ES Clear every day on some canned food . For a while I was giving it to her twice a day , but she 's less interested in the canned food now , so I 've only been able to get her to eat it once a day . She seems lively and bright eyed , as I will explain more of soon . I 've watched her using the litter box . I assumed she 'd probably never be able to cover up her stuff since she has to hold herself up with her only front paw , but she proved me wrong . She 's figured out how to brace her back feet while leaning on the side of the box to scratch litter over her mess . She 's still trying to use the missing leg though , which I admit is hard to watch . Today , all my cats are impressing the heck out of me . Our shrew population in the house seems to be thriving , as my cats have caught three of them this morning alone ! Daisy has caught two ( one of them as I 've been writing this post ) , and I believe Dusty caught the other one . I only think it was Dusty because he was down here hunting for one . But when I went upstairs , not only was he playing with it , but so was Asuka ! Again , she braced herself with her back feet wide so she could reach out and bat the poor thing with her front paw . She picked it up in her mouth and tossed it into the air . I 'm so proud of my kitties ( though it just kills me when the poor little things aren 't dead yet . ) All three cats are in hunting mode now . They are guarding certain places and sticking their paws in cracks and crevices . I have the most fantastic cats on the planet . : ) Bringing her out of hiding seems to have done Asuka a lot of good . Last night , I heard her eating from the dry cat food that is out for them all the time . Today , she actually jumped up onto the futon to sit in my lap , a movement so natural , it was like she had all four legs again . The motivation seemed to be the can of cat food and the spoon I had in my hands . ; ) And just moments ago she used the litter box , came out to the living room , and sat down to clean herself . I can see she 's having issues figuring that out ; she keeps trying to go the way her missing leg would have allowed her to go . Right now she 's making a mess trying to clean litter off her feet . But I 'm so proud that she 's trying , that she 's not just sitting depressed in a corner of the house . I 'm sure my Facebook friends are getting bored with my constant Tripawed Kitty posts , since I make several every day , but what can I say ? I 'm a proud kitty mama ! It has been a week since we brought Asuka home from the vet missing one of her front legs . Some things have improved a lot , some we 're still working on . For one thing , she still doesn 't want to move around hardly at all . When she does , it 's more like bunny hops . Which is a bit of an improvement over the heavy galumphing she did the first few days . Also , she still prefers hiding . When I bring her out , though , she seems happier . She spent almost two days hiding behind the bed , where I had to do the earthworm wiggle to feed her . I finally decided last night that I 'm going to bring her downstairs for every feeding . It 's not an easy task when she hides back there ( think long , skinny tunnel where I can 't lift my head or my rear as I go along ) , but I think the results have definitely been worth it . When I bring her down , she appreciates the warmth from the stove . Yesterday she even spent some time laying in front of it , toasting her tummy like she used to . Her appetite seems pretty good , though I 'm not sure how much water she 's getting . When I see her , she 's usually hiding . I don 't know if she uses the litter box or drinks water when I 'm not around to see it . My ES Clear has been sent , so we 'll be trying that as soon as it arrives , see if it helps her feel better . Today when I brought her down in the afternoon , she was so comfy curled on the futon with a blanket partially covering her that I decided to leave her downstairs while I went to teach class . She was still there when I returned home . And she is still there now . Dusty spent some time laying next to her , and I even got some video of him licking her head . It 's so hard to catch them doing that because Asuka usually doesn 't tolerate it . I called to move her appointment up a few days . I could have made the appointment for earlier before , since the practice is ten to fourteen days after surgery for checkup and staple removal . But I wasn 't sure what my schedule was going to be , and I wanted to see how Asuka was feeling . I think perhaps the bandages are starting to hinder her , Posted by So I expected that we 'd have issues with Asuka 's food and water intake . Also , I learned she really hates to be force fed anything , especially her meds . It wasn 't until shortly after midnight , when we 'd finished kissing the old year goodbye and ringing in the new year with sparkling cider and poppers , that I finally got her to eat something . I 'd been reading different blogs and forums about what to do to get a cat to eat or drink , so I thought I 'd try a few tricks . I put a little clump of canned food ( the A / D stuff the vet gave us ) on her only front paw . After a few seconds , she licked it off . I did it again , with the same result . Finally , I offered her some canned food on a spoon and she started eating it off the spoon . Only about a teaspoonful by the time she turned her head away , but I was dancing around the living room because she ate ! She still refused water , no matter what I put it in : cat bowl , small plate , the syringe ( she really hated that . ) I tried dripping some on her mouth , on her paw . She simply didn 't want it at all . I read on some forum that tuna water was something to offer a cat refusing to drink , and that tuna was " kitty crack . " Indeed , today this proved true . She gobbled tuna like a starving cat , and even drank the tuna water I offered . The last hurdle remaining : the litter box . After a couple of tuna water consumptions today , I decided to place Asuka near the litter box . At this point in time , she 's still not walking much . Well , at all , really . She 's been behind the bed for one entire day , and on the bed all last night and most of today . I figured with almost two days of meals in her , perhaps all she needed was a little help getting there . Sure enough , as soon as I put her next to the litter box , she hauled herself into it and piddled . Then hauled herself out and hobbled to one of her hiding places . Never thought I 'd be so happy to see a cat pee . >.< So I thought maybe she 'd want to hide for the rest of the night . So I went downstairs with my husband . He was on the computer while I was sitting in my " gPosted by
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I was holding a chunk of ice to the back of my neck , standing in the shade of the carport in the middle of the afternoon . The meltwater running down my back felt good , and I wished I 'd brought more ice for the front of my neck and my chest . After her funeral , we 'd all driven back to Grandma 's house and changed into work clothes . The air conditioner was broken , it was the tail end of July , and I was wondering why no one had squabbled yet over who would get what , or which things we should haul to the dump and which we should keep . We 're a peaceful bunch , but the house was a brick firebox , and we were all tired from lifting and bending and carrying . When the ice was gone I turned and saw a woman sitting on the porch watching me . She wore a baseball cap with a blond ponytail sticking out the back , a Jack Daniels tank top , khaki shorts , and old basketball shoes . One of the laces had broken and she 'd knotted it back together . In my taxonomy of women , she was an unknown type . The famous Veronica , my cousin , subject of gossip and speculation . I 'd never met her ; I 'd always been gone , or just missed her at the family functions . Her mother was my uncle Norm 's fourth wife . His women kept dying , and each time he would find a replacement , and marry her with a smaller ceremony than the preceding one . Veronica wasn 't like us . In our family , after you finished your education you got an indoor job , preferably as a doctor or a lawyer , although there were a lot of teachers and psychologists and librarians and that sort of thing among us . You went to church on Sunday . You kept the house painted . When you scratched the car , you fixed it right away , on the pretext that it wouldn 't rust , but really so it would look good . Veronica didn 't operate on that formula ; everyone agreed that she had given up on propriety long ago . She said they 'd just finished the barn , and I said we could use help with the attic . It was a single big room the same dimensions as the entire first floor , and it was full . Grandma never threw anything away . The bed and the floor were piled with an assortment of things that had nothing to do with each other : windowshades , a bird house , plastic bags full of plastic bags , electric blankets , a dead plant , old ledgers from my grandfather 's blacksmithing business , and punctured garden hoses . The strangest thing was two long braids of brown hair wrapped in tissue paper . Veronica wondered aloud about that , but mostly we worked in silence , sorting things into different - colored bags , for keeping , giving to Goodwill , or tossing out . I lugged the discard bags down the stairs as we filled them , and threw them in the trailer behind Jay 's truck , for the trip to the dump . Veronica worked like she had a deadline , with a penalty if she didn 't make it . The sweat ran down her cheeks like tears . The people not upstairs with us were downstairs , bagging and picking things over as they worked , their voices drifting up to us sometimes when they commented on their findings ( " Who are these people ? " in the ancient pictures , and " Do you remember this ? " forgotten memento ) . Everyone had come : my brothers and sisters and all my cousins and the aunts and uncles and great - aunt Reva . Even the children were there . But I don 't remember what anyone did , or how they dressed . I have a perfect movie of that day in my mind , and the only actors are Veronica and me . When we finished , or decided to quit , because we were impossibly hot again , and there was too much left to do and people were starting to leave , she said , " I know a cool place . " She led me to the barn ; there was a tornado shelter dug into the ground outside , at the base of the wall . " Help me . " We pulled the iron door up , and she propped it open with a two - by - four . She said , " Careful at the bottom . Don 't bump your head . " She descended into the dark and I followed . Ten feet down in the ground was a little room with two u - shaped cement benches , the narrower one above the wider . They might have seated a dozen people , all crowded together . The only light was from the open door above . The room smelled musty , but looked dry . No mold , but slugs had left dried - up white trails on the walls . A broom leaned against the wall . She used it to brush away a few spider webs . We sat looking up through the gap where the door was propped open . In the blue slice of sky a treetop occupied a lower corner , and appeared and disappeared with the wind 's movement . Clouds scudded over . We sat in silence so long that I lost all awareness of time . " Sometimes when I look around , everyone seems asleep , " she said . " Like that little piece of sky , the way it looks from here , but it 's really bigger than you can imagine . We 're only half - awake , we 're only getting a tiny part of the picture . I 'd like to see more . " " I don 't know , " she said . " I 've never heard of that . I 'd like to see more , that 's all . " The wind had diminished ; the tree shook , but now without disappearing from sight . We sat looking up at the sky . She wasn 't talking , so I didn 't , either . When my neck got a crick in it , I lay down , but the bench was too hard and I sat back up . She rubbed her leg until the feeling came back . I went after her on the stairs , so I could watch her legs and ass . A little slack , but not bad ; better than a lot of women twenty years younger . She 'd aged well . Being skinny probably helped . All our relatives had gone . The houses on either side had been torn down long ago - - Grandma lived in a small town that had been losing population for decades . No traffic on the street , no children in the yards , no one walking by . Only Veronica , and me , and the clouds gathering for rain . We walked the three blocks to the square . The cafe stayed open late on Saturday nights . People gathered and drank beer and played the jukebox , or went upstairs to shoot pool and play air hockey . The kids played the video games . Through the front window , half covered with signs and notices and postcards mailed from neighboring states and Europe , I saw the courthouse across the street . The county had built it in the sixties , after they 'd torn down the old brick one with the graceful antebellum bell tower . The new building was gray wavy cinder block and one story , with an enormous clock on the wall by the front door . We ordered the dinner for two . The chicken was overcooked and greasy , but cheap . I listened while Veronica talked about things people had found that morning - - a photograph of a tow truck with a three - digit phone number painted on the side , beautiful silverware in an ornate pattern , and a handwritten card from my grandfather to my grandmother : My own dear Rose I wish to give you the ring with my true love and affection , and all my best wishes . My own dear Rose , yours forever , Patrick . I liked this woman . The girls my age , everything is up for grabs . Nothing is permanent , everything is image and can be changed on a whim : tattoos , nose rings and tongue studs , enlarged breasts , pumped lips , multicolored hair . Veronica wore no makeup . Her ears weren 't even pierced . She was as she seemed : unaffected . They kicked us out at closing time . The rain was beginning , and we ran back in the sprinkles and showers . The sky opened a moment after we walked in the door . We sat in the window seat , leaning against cushions , our knees up and with just enough space , feet bare and toes occasionally bumping into each other . We opened the windows , to feel the breeze and the moisture and hear the rain pouring onto the ground and gurgling in the gutters . Above the street was an inch of spray where the water hit and bounced back up . We talked the entire night , but I only remember the sound of her voice , and the open feeling of her tone , and her wonder and longing and nostalgia . This was not the woman my relatives gossiped about . When the sun came up I was euphoric , and wanted to stay , but I had a flight to catch , so I made my excuses and left . Veronica went off to sleep in Grandma 's bedroom so she wouldn 't crash on her way home . I drove back to the city , uncontrolled one - second naps catching me on the drive . I packed and caught the express bus to the airport . I was gone three days . I called her every evening , and we talked for hours . When I returned , she picked me up at the airport and we went to my apartment . It was the middle of the afternoon . We took off our clothes and got in bed , as if we 'd arranged to , although neither of us had said anything about sex . Afterward , she got out of bed and put on her panties and the gray Oxford cloth shirt I 'd dropped on the floor . She left it unbuttoned . She sat in the rocking chair and took a joint from her wicker bag and lit it . " You don 't want to get involved with me , " she said . " It 's not too late . We can pretend this didn 't happen . " " Quiet . " She pointed the joint at me . " I 'm your cousin . I 'm older than you . And I 'll ruin your reputation . Also , your mother hates me . " She was silent for a while . Then , " I 'm going home . " She kept my shirt on and pulled on her jeans , and was putting on her sandals . She stopped and looked at me with her head cocked sideways . She hadn 't buttoned my shirt or tucked in the tail . Her own shirt lay on the floor . She sat next to me on the bed and kissed me . " Never start something you know is doomed . I shouldn 't have done this , but I couldn 't stop myself . I really like you . " I tried to pull her down to me , but she resisted . " We can 't take back what we did , " I said . " If you leave , instead of a good memory , it 's a bad one . " I was talking at random , and the first speech I found was the guilt trip . " What about Grandma 's house ? What about the phone calls ? " She smiled . The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes , the ones I 'd liked in the shelter , deepened . " You feel so much , " she said . " I wish I could . " She held my hand in hers . " You 're absolutely right , what you said about the memory , and I 'm sorry . I know how this must seem . I don 't want to ruin what we did . It was special and gentle and sweet , and I haven 't felt anything like that in a long time , longer than you would believe . You made me feel cared for , and that 's exactly why I want to go . This is very , very dangerous . I 'm trying to protect myself , and I 'm trying to protect you . Do you understand ? " " When two people want opposite things from each other . " She lay next to me , but she was still dressed and on top of the covers . " I want to tell you a story . " Her freshman year in college , she said , she and her boyfriend had no car and nowhere to go , so they would have sex in a mausoleum near the campus . When the weather turned cold , they continued to use the place , muffled in heavy clothes . " It was funny and clumsy and sweet , " she said , " all dressed up , fucking and trying to stay warm . Seeing how little we could expose to the air . The Minnesota mausoleum . " She laughed . " It was really bitter in January and February . Once I told him to hurry up before my pussy got frostbite . " At the end of the year she had failed most of her classes - - " I 've never been much of a student . I don 't like going to class , I don 't like doing things that are assigned , and I 'm not school smart " - - and had to come home . The boyfriend made it plain that he would find someone else and so should she . " That hurt . I thought we would be together forever . It was my first time and I thought he loved me the way I loved him , but he didn 't . I think he just wanted the sex . I still wonder what happened to him . Thirty years and not a word . I hope he 's happy , the prick . " She waited , then said , " Now do you understand ? " She was mothering me , and I wanted to make her stop , but I didn 't ; at least it would keep her with me for a while . Then I started enjoying it . The stroking made me feel damn good , like a hypnotized hamster . Her skin was warm against my forehead , and my nose felt the slow pulse in the hollow of her neck . She smelled vaguely floral . I was peaceful and aroused at the same time . Then she ruined the mood . " Sweetie , " she said , " You need someone your own age . Sometimes people are drawn to each other , but that doesn 't mean we should give in to our impulses . I 've been around much longer . It wouldn 't be fair , or equal , however much we want each other . " She lifted the sheet and looked . " I see . Oh , to be young again . " She slapped my penis and it subsided . " Down , boy . " " Come on , " I said . " Stay . What do you have to lose ? " I waited . " We already did it once . What difference does it make if we do it again ? " " I should know better , " she said , and reached under the sheet . I undressed her while she fondled me , both of us with the fumbling clumsiness of high school kids , but it didn 't bother me , or her either . When she was naked , she sat on top of me and rode me , looking right in my eyes . Then we flipped over and I took the top position for a while , and she came like a freight train , twice , before I finished and rolled off . She pressed her palms against her eyelids . She was gone when I woke in the middle of the night . I couldn 't get back to sleep , so I dressed and went in to work early . I called her house during my lunch hour and her answering machine kicked in and said , " Hi , this is Veronica 's voice . Leave your voice and our voices can play tag . " I said , " It 's me . Pick up . . . Pick up the phone . " But she didn 't , so I said , " Call me when you get home " . The next day at work I sat through a four - hour meeting , staring out the window and not pretending to listen . When I got home I called her again , but the phone rang without answer . I watched ESPN all evening . The weekend , and Monday and Tuesday , were the same : calling her every evening , never any answer . The days went by , and my concentration at work improved a little . The wound was bleeding less . I started visiting friends and jamming with them into the late hours , or the early hours , or the place where one changes into the other , then going to work early , without enough sleep . Sleep was on vacation . After two weeks of this , my phone rang one morning at work . I recognized her number on the LCD display . I almost didn 't answer , but then she would have gone to voice mail and maybe hung up and never called back . I would have had to call her . It was smarter to answer . She called me from the front desk an hour later . I knew it would be difficult getting her into the building . I 'm an engineer at a defense contractor , and security is tight . " Let 's go to the zoo . " I held my i . d . card in front of the badge reader . When the door clicked , I pushed the handle . She wasn 't following . " Are you coming ? " On the way over she talked about how human the chimps were : the looks in their eyes , the way they acted , their faces , their aggressiveness , their fondness for play , even as adults . More like us than any other animal . So we went to the ape house first . " See that one ? " She pointed at a chimp that was masturbating and looking right at us . " He does that every time I come here , " she said . " He knows what he 's doing . He doesn 't have a crush on me , he 's trying to embarrass me . But it 's like a little child trying to annoy you . You know ? It 's funny and pathetic , how stupid they make themselves . He doesn 't even know I 'm laughing at him . " " Yes . " I wasn 't , at that moment . She was peering into my eyes like she was trying to read what was inside , all concerned . The moment she looked away , my mad would probably come back , but as long as she was looking at me , I was ready to groom her fur or whatever else she wanted me to do . But I wanted her to know that I 'd been angry , so I said , " You jerked me around . Did it feel good ? " " Yes . " She was still looking in my eyes . I was watching the chimp play with himself , so I wouldn 't have to look at her . " You were , " she said . " Maybe you 're not in love with me now , but you were then . " I looked at my watch . " I have a meeting at 11 : 00 . " It was almost 10 : 00 . That left half an hour before I had to head back to work . " Can we get this over with ? " We wandered out of the ape house and past the polar bears flopped on their big flat rocks , then past the veldt where they put the zebras and antelope and all those sorts of prey animals . She bought cotton candy at a stand that was just opening up , and offered me some . I 've never liked cotton candy . I bought caramel popcorn . We sat on a bench at the top of a cliff . In a large fenced area below us was a big elephant . His eyes looked too small for his head . " Elephants , " she said . " Did you know that a young female has to have a midwife , an experienced female , help her when she gives birth the first time ? She has to learn what to do , like us . They 're very smart . They take care of each other . They love their children . They like to get drunk on fermented fruit . They 're very , very interesting . Whenever I got time off I 'd go somewhere and look at them . I collect elephant stuff - - china elephants , dolls , pictures . I have a beautiful antique elephant music box . Maybe you can see it sometime . " " I 'm getting to that . " She pointed at the elephant . " That old guy knows what life is about . Food , and sleep , and companionship . See , I don 't have any companionship . I 'm lonely . Right here is where Gary proposed to me . We came here a lot . No one knows I was married . I made my mother promise not to tell anyone . My father and stepmother and brother died in a car wreck and I came back here for the funeral . Then I got stuck . I spent every day in bed watching soap operas , living off my real mom . I was depressed , from my family all dying . Then I met Gary , and he was funny . We clicked . We didn 't wait , we got married the next month , and I got pregnant right away . We were ecstatic . " She watched the elephant for a while . " Gary was a roughneck , he worked on oil rigs , so he was gone a lot . I miscarried in my sixth month . Gary was on one of those platforms out in the Gulf of Mexico and he flew back to New Orleans on a helicopter to come see me and it crashed . " She smiled . " This is why I don 't buy lottery tickets . The original bad luck girl . My only living relative is my real mom , " she said . " And Norm , I guess , since she married him . " She took a bite of the cotton candy . " Gary had a big insurance policy , and the house and the farm were paid off . He left it all to me . I bought an annuity and I rent out the farmland . I don 't have to work , but sometimes when I 'm bored I take a job for a year or two . " She took a bite of her cotton candy and watched the elephant . I watched him , too - - the way his skin hung in big wrinkly folds , the way his ears flapped , his trunk . I saw what she meant about elephants . " I know what I wanted to say . " She took a breath and let it out . " I hope you 'll be patient with me . I 'm afraid I 'm jinxed . Besides , I worry what this will do to you . " She was talking to the dandelions between us and the edge of the cliff . " I 've always had a good life , I just can 't get together with anybody . I thought I was past needing that . " She finally looked at me . " I 'm sorry . See , the age difference matters . I 'm forty - six and you look - - " " You 'll look like you 're dating your Mom 's old roommate , that 's why not . What if someone recognizes me ? How will we explain it ? " " Think about this , then , " she said . " When you 're my age , my hair will be gray and my skin will be wrinkly , like that old guy there , " she said , nodding toward the elephant , " and I 'll be past menopause and dry when you want to have sex and I may not even want it . A lot of women don 't . I won 't be able to keep up with you physically . I 'll be old . " " No . What must be nice is still - - you know , you think things matter , things like you and me getting together , " she said . " Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder , who is that woman ? The girl inside me asks that , but she 's starting to disappear . I thought maybe you could save her , because I 'm forgetting what it was like to be young , and I hate that , I hate it , and I want to live , Goddammit , before it 's too late . " She drew an arc in the air with her palm . " Everybody 's life goes up and then down , see . You 're over here , on this side , and I 'm there on the other side , and I 'd pull you over there , and you 'd miss what 's in between . You 'd be giving up things everyone needs and wants and should have , and you 'll see that one of these days , and you 'll leave . And if you don 't , I 'll make you go . " " Yes you are . You fell in love with me . Why do you think I was so skittish ? You weren 't fucking me , you were making love . There was love in it . I hadn 't felt that in so long , I didn 't know what to do . And then I went away and thought it over , and decided I was right in the first place and it was better if I hid . " She lifted her hands in front of her , palms up , the cotton candy turning horizontal . " I couldn 't stick to my decision . I know better , but sometimes - - I know it 's wrong , " she said . " I know I 'm being stupid , but I don 't care . I want to be loved , I want to be needed one more time . " " This won 't last . You - - you 're young and you 'll get married and have a family . You deserve that . You deserve to be happy with a sweet girl and a couple of kids and a house in the ' burbs , and taking the kids to their music lessons and coaching their soccer teams . " " I wish . But it 's not going to happen . This isn 't going to last . " I started to interrupt , but she said , " Don 't ! " in a fierce voice . " I know what I 'm talking about . In a couple of years you 'll look at me and you 'll wonder what you saw , and you 'll meet some pretty girl , and you 'll leave me . Don 't talk about it . I don 't want to be reminded . It will happen soon enough . " It seemed there was nothing left to say . I just had to make up my mind : did I want her , or not ? When I asked myself the question , I already knew the answer . All the weeks of lost sleep settled on me . This was going to be difficult . She stood and put two fingers under my chin so I was looking up at her . " You look exhausted , " she said . " You should go home and sleep . " I moved to her place that weekend . The commute to work was a killer , but I didn 't care . I didn 't have any interests except her and my guitar , and I could practice at her house anyway . She gave me the big room on the second floor , and I moved my things in , including my bed , which was king - sized . But she 'd been living there a long time , and she couldn 't get used to the change . After a few days she went back to sleeping in her ancient iron bed that was too small for two , and I slept there with her . Her house was old , and tall , and built on a basement that was above grade , and her room on the third floor seemed almost in the sky . The light filtered in through the leaves and limbs of the enormous oak that hid the yard and street . She 'd hung a hammock from the window to a big branch on the oak . Getting in was a precarious operation I wouldn 't watch . She liked to lie there when the wind was strong , so she would swing in broken changing rhythms from the mismatch between the movements of the air and the branch . She liked to wear my shirt - - her shirt , the gray button - down she 'd stolen from me the first time we 'd had sex , which she refused to return and which after a while I wouldn 't have accepted anyway - - she liked to wear that shirt and nothing else . Sometimes she slept all night that way . We would make love , she would put on the shirt and climb out the window , lie down and not come back in until morning . I always worried that the hammock would flip or an old rotten piece of rope would snap and she would fall and break her neck . After a while , I 'd find myself looking at the part in her hair . She always lay with her head facing the house and her feet the tree . At the place where the part in her hair ended , where a cowlick might have been , in the blond hair a dime - sized patch of dark brown radiated in a semicircle . Her hair was blond , except that one spot . If I leaned far out the window , I could kiss her there , and when she felt my kiss on the top of her head she would scoot back toward me and raise her arms and press my cheeks with her hands and we could barely touch lips . I was always right on the point of plunging to the ground . Then I would pull myself back in and sit in the chair and watch the chaos of the hammock in the breeze , knowing I couldn 't save her if she fell .
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The Walk to Defeat ALS season is upon us . I can 't believe it , but it 's that time already . They started registration last week , but I was just too depressed and tired and thinking about me to even consider it . Up until yesterday , I was seriously thinking about taking the year off . But , I woke up this morning and realized : If I am so focused on what is wrong in my life , how will I make things right ? If I am so focused on me and my petty problems , how will I help to make things better for others ? If I cannot extend myself to help others and our world , how will our world change ? I know , I certainly cannot do this by myself . My contribution seems like nothing . Then , the great ' Analogist ' within me started thinking . It 's like the old litter commercials . If I don 't pick up the trash , and you don 't pick up the trash , then no one will pick up the trash , and our world will just be filled with it . If I don 't help , and you don 't help , then no one will help . So , it can never get better for those less fortunate , those oppressed , those suffering if you and I don 't help . This is not to say that I really want to do this . I still am having this major pity party that 's been going on for pretty much the whole winter . However , there 's a part of me that remembers that doing for others helps us feel better within ourselves . So , there 's definitely a selfish aspect to this whole ' charitable obligations ' thing . It 's a bit weird that when we are motivated from egocentric thoughts , often we are more depressed and less productive . But , when we are allocentric , we find that we are not only working for others , we are working towards a balance in our own health and happiness . Charity therefore becomes not only about others , but indeed about us . It informs us that we are not just one person standing alone , we are a community , a world ; equal in our desire to live well and free . Today , I registered our team once again for the Walk to Defeat ALS . It 's true , I have a personal connection to Walk to Defeat ALS , in that my Mom passed from this dreadful disease in 1983 . But , if the money raised this summer through " The Ice Bucket Challenge " were enough to stop this horrifying killer , then I would not continue the battle . Unfortunately , it 's not , and we have to continue the fight . To me , it 's not about dying , because we all die , and none of us know when it will be our time . It 's about the quality of life that 's afforded to ALS patients . It slowly kills you , while you remain lucid and fully aware of what is happening to you . That is terrifying to me . I also decided today to get off the fence , and sign the sheet for Family Promise , which helps with multi - denominational sheltering of the homeless . I admittedly have been remiss in helping with the homeless . How bad is that ? I was homeless , and promised to help . Whom did I make the promise to ? Me . But , life moves on , and sometimes we forget that we do owe , really . We do . Even if you have never been sick and never been homeless or oppressed , and think you have always had a decent life . Brother , that may be when you owe the most ! I already feel better knowing that I have made a decision to continue with my human race . I can faintly hear Chariots of Fire music , far off in the distance . What is the sound of two hands helping ? It seems pretty inconsequential at first , but if you really listen , it 's pretty sweet . I have lived in the same apartment in South Orange , New Jersey since April 1 , 2008 , when I left my brother 's Jim 's basement in Rockaway . As you know from earlier stories , I had been homeless , then in a rehab , then in Homeless Solutions in Morristown . I was in Homeless Solutions from the day after Thanksgiving 2007 until February 15 , 2008 , when I moved into Jimmy 's . It wasn 't really Jimmy 's idea as much as his then wife Robin 's . I was celebrating Christmas with the family , then left to go back to the shelter . That really bugged Robin , and I guess she stewed on it for a while , and it kept bothering her , and finally she told Jim , " Your sister should not be in a homeless shelter . Tell her to come stay with us until she gets back on her feet . " They told me in the beginning of February , and I moved in two weeks later . How glad I was to leave the homeless shelter ! Sad too , though , leaving the family with seven children behind . I worried about them for so long , and tried to find out what happened to them , but I never heard about them again . But , after 2 1 / 2 months , I was well - prepared to leave . I was mentally revved to begin my new life . Robin let me come live with them , but only for 1 1 / 2 months . I had to get money together and get out on my own as soon as possible . Great rule ! Within a week of moving in with them , I had a job . I saved quickly , and Robin helped me look for an apartment . My teenage son had lived with me during my darkest hours , but things got really bad , and I asked him , " Do you want to live with Aunt Karen ? " Of course , he said yes . He was in desperate need of a normal life . So , he went to live with her in South Orange , and for a while , I continued careening down my path of self - destruction . Then , I finally made it to the rehab , shelter , Jimmy 's home . Now , we were looking for an apartment , and I was praying that my son would want to live with me again . So , we looked in South Orange , and I tried to find an apartment big enough for both of us . One that he would like , one that I could afford . Me affording and him liking had every indication of being conflicting scenarios , but I proceeded with the hope usually reserved for the believers of the world . We tried several buildings and homes . We were turned away almost immediately from most for credit issues . Some we ran away from ( just so gross ) , and some were way too expensive for my measly savings . We finally went to a building on a main avenue in South Orange , and met with the Super . He was standing in front of the building , looking disheveled and greasy with a slimy smile on his face , but I looked past it all , because I was running out of options and had to find an apartment in South Orange , dammit . We went into the dreary brick building and walked into a large apartment with two kitchens and two stoves . It turned out that it was two small apartments , but there was no wall between them . If you wanted both apartments so that you could have two bedrooms , you could rent both . Or just one . It was up to you . Up to me ? I said , " No thank you . " This is not at all what I want . I knew I had to get out of my brother 's house , but I couldn 't imagine myself living in that creepy building in that creepy apartment … or apartments , depending . The Super said , " Wait " because he had something else around the block . It was above stores , a Chinese restaurant and a coffee shop on another busy avenue . There were only four apartments above the stores , and the one he was showing me was the last one down the line . It was a one bedroom apartment , but with very big rooms and the door between the living room and the bedroom had a lock on it . I thought , " it 's not the best apartment I ever saw , but it could work " , so I said I would take it . I moved in on April 1 , 2008 . Zach was 15 going on 16 when I moved in . I was so excited … he was going to come back and be my son again . However , when I moved in , he said he wasn 't ready yet . So , I spent a few months alone in the apartment , trying to make what I was earning cover the rent , utilities and travel expenses from South Orange to my job in Dover . They really didn 't , but I received some help from my friends … yeah , like the song . By July , I was feeling pretty lonely , and I saw on Maplewoodonline that someone had this beautiful rescue Siamese kitty that I kind of fell in love with . I never really was a Cat Person , but this little girl was so pretty . So , I arranged to go meet her , and asked Zach if he would like to come with me . He was excited , because he really loved animals , and was even volunteering at our local shelter . We got to the rescuer 's home , went to the cage , and there was this little sandy muffin sitting next to a jet black Helion . I fell for the little Siamese immediately , but Zach really wanted the Blackie , who was hissing and puffing up and being a tiny scary thing . I said , " If I get both , will you move in with me ? I don 't want the black cat , but I will get her for you . She can be your cat when you ' come home ' . " He said , " Yes " , and these two little puffballs were packed up and put in the car and brought to my apartment , where they proceeded to run under the couch in terror . We named the Siamese " Cherie ' and the Blackie " Wednesday " after Wednesday Adams , who was really scary , too . We nicknamed her " Wendy " after Caspar 's Witch friend . We bought them all sorts of cat toys . They loved the toys on a stick and string , and we would get them to run after them . But , they wouldn 't come near me or let me touch them . They let Zach touch them though . I guess they sensed how gentle he was . Zach decided not to move in , however , and I was stuck with these two kittens that really didn 't like me . After a while , the Siamese started coming around , and a few months later , when it was time to have them spayed , she was relatively easy to catch and put in a cage to take to the vets . Wendy , however , was not , and I gave up . She didn 't have to go . At nine months old , Wendy went into heat . It was a horrible , horrible week with that crazy cat losing her mind even more . She caterwauled all day and all night , and for the first time , wanted me to pet her … all the time . Pet , scratch , please scratch , please scratch ! I called the local Cat Whisperers ' , and they came the next weekend to help me trap her to take her to be spayed . It took us well over an hour to catch her , and by the time we did , she was traumatized . The woman whom I received her from took her to the vet , then called and said that she would keep her to recover . When I called to see if I could pick her up , she said her vet told her that the cat was not tameable , and she should let her heal , then put her back outside . It 's not like she came up with the idea on her own . I had told her what a difficult cat she was , how she wouldn 't let me touch her , and how she hissed at me when I came near her . So , I tried to resign myself to this cat 's fate . But , I kept thinking about how she had lived inside with me since she was tiny , and how I had her for nine months , and that she wouldn 't survive outside . I still don 't really think of myself as a Cat Lady , but I am not heartless . So , I called the rescuer , and asked if I could see the cat . She said that wasn 't a good idea , and told me Wendy was a horrible cat who hissed at her and tried to scratch her when she came near . I said I still really needed to see her , and she finally relented and let me come over . When I got there , we went into the dimly light basement to find my cat in a cage in the corner , looking as forlorn as a feline possibly could . When she saw me , she started crying plaintively , and I swear she was saying , " Please . Please . Please take me home . I just want to go home . " Ugh . I started crying and said I had to take this cat home . Her rescuer told me that was a bad idea , and reiterated that the vet said the cat wasn 't tameable . I said , " She 's still my cat , and I want to take her home . If it doesn 't work out , well , at least I tried . " I was pretty adamant , so Wendy was put in her crate , and once again , she came home with me . Cherie was so happy to see her . Wendy was so happy to see Cherie . And , Wendy was so happy to be home , with me . She learned to chill out , a little , and it seemed that she learned gratitude , which is really weird in a cat , but I don 't know how else to explain the change in her . It was like she thought , " Oh wow . I have it pretty good here ! " Whatever accounted for the change , it made her bearable , and sometimes , she was a pleasant , friendly cat . Not that she wasn 't still batshit crazy . On the contrary , her whole spaying experience made her even more paranoid and distrusting . She still hid and hissed , but not as often . Cherie was like that child that you have that never gets in trouble and is always a pleasure to have around . She loved to be brushed , loved human food , loved just hanging around , and you couldn 't sense any angst in her . Wendy had enough for the both of them , I guess . Then , as I wrote about in " Loss " , Cherie got sick and died in January 2013 . That was hard , because she was such a good cat , and now I was stuck with the cat that I didn 't want in the first place , the one Zach said he wanted , and no Cherie and no Zach . I didn 't get any sleep for a week after Cherie died , because Wendy just walked around the apartment crying all day and night . It was worse than when she was in heat , and I felt so bad for her . My Niece Rachel felt bad for her , also , and sent her a stuffed cat to sleep with to help with the loss . It was so sweet , of course I cried . Eventually , as always is the case , Wendy and I got on with our new normal , and I kind of became her replacement for Cherie . She stopped hissing at me , unless I was making the bed , looking for my shoes under the bed , or sweeping or vacuuming . Her bed issue is that Wendy is a Bridge Troll , as Zach calls her . She has created herself a little world under my bed , and is pissed when we clean under there or go anywhere near her Underworld . I think she hates brooms because we used one to corral her into the cage when she was spayed . And the vacuum freaks her out , but I don 't have any hypothesis as to why , except that it 's freaking big and noisy . Life went on for a while , just me and Wendy , until March of this year , when Zach finally moved in , temporarily , as they sold the home he lived in . He wants to go back to college , and needs to save money for another apartment . I know it 's a little late . I still call him ' Kid ' and he 's 22 years old . But , I am so happy to have even just a fragment of the normal life we should have had years ago , at least for a while . And , I am very thankful for all that has happened to lead me up this point . My crazy cat has ended up having a pretty good life , instead of being thrown back on the streets . My kid had me to turn to , and I was so grateful to be there . And me ? I am happy . There 's no magic elixir to make everything right after so many years of it being wrong . But , it 's okay . Maybe everything isn 't supposed to be right . Maybe , at least for me , okay is freaking fabulous … as long as I keep working towards great ! One hundred years ago today , my Daddy was born . By the time the depression hit in 1929 , Daddy was 15 years old , so he was a real Depression - Era man , and we were raised that way . Here are some things that my hard but fair , stern but funny father taught me : 1 . Don 't laugh like a hyena outside at night . It 's not fair to the neighbors . Story behind this : Gretchen Beck and I , both 12 years old , were coming home from the boardwalk one August night 1972 in Cape May . We were really cracking ourselves up so much that we stopped at the church across the street from my house to continue , hoping not to disturb my father . We ended up rolling around on the grass , holding our bellies and laughing like the aforementioned hyenas . My father appeared at our door and yelled across the street , " Stop that noise right now and get in here . " Which I took as , " Laughing is bad . Having fun is bad . I 'm a big , mean old guy who wants to stop people from having fun . " , but he meant it as , " What is wrong with those kids ? Don 't they care about anyone else except themselves ? How rude to disturb the neighborhood that way ! " 2 . Have more discerning taste in men . Story behind this : Every boyfriend I brought home , Daddy would say , " He 's scum ! " . Wow , he was right . Except one , and my Dad and he loved each other , but unfortunately , the man didn 't really love me . Oh well . 3 . No matter what else happens in life , eat well . The Story : Daddy loved and raised more than Loretta 's eight kids from " Coal Miner 's Daughter " . There were ten of us children , plus the three granddaughter 's ( my half - sister 's children ) were always around . Lots of kids . We were never poor , but we were never rich , with that many children . I 'm sure it was hard , even in the old days of the ' 60s to raise that many kids . But , Daddy and Mommy still went out every Saturday and came back with a carload of good food . We had steak once a week , hamburger once a week , chicken once a week . The man liked to eat , and liked to eat well . And now , so do we . No matter what , eat well . 4 . The Spirit of Christmas . Daddy loved Christmas and when asked what Christmas meant to him , he said , " Giving " . The spirit of Christmas is giving . I just love that . 5 . You can have your beliefs , but love is more important . Story : Daddy was a staunch Catholic and believed what the church believed . So , I was so scared to call Daddy from Reno and tell him that I was pregnant out of wedlock . But , when I did , he sent me money to come home and live with him and have the baby in New Jersey . I had an emergency C - Section . He didn 't come to see me , because by then he was not that mobile . The baby and I were in the hospital for five days . Again I was scared , this time to bring Baby Zachary home , because I wasn 't sure whether my father would accept him . When I walked through the front door of Daddy 's house , he asked for the baby . I put Zachary on Daddy 's lap , and there was an instant and beautiful love , and Zachary was the most accepted and cherished child in the world . My father adored my son . I was blessed . It went against his beliefs , but it didn 't matter . He loved us . 6 . It 's more important to show your love than say , " I love you " . Daddy wasn 't one for hugs and kisses , or saying , " I love you . " So , for a long time I didn 't think he loved me . Because as a child , you don 't notice that your father is working his tail off to make sure you have nice clothes , good food , a nice house , and nice vacations . It wasn 't until I was an adult , and it started to sink in that this man really cared that I started allowing myself to care , too . Once , when I was in my twenties , I said to him ( as I was leaving for the bar ) , " I love you " , and he said , " You sure don 't show it ! " . Ha ! I thought , " That 's mean " , but he was right . And again , it took me some time to understand what he meant . Lots of time . But , I get it now . 7 . Don 't waste ! It 's so funny that my brother Tom 's eulogy of my father included stories of rotten tomatoes and moldy ham being repurposed ( and when he read it in church , I admit I was a little mortified ) , but it does speak to how Daddy was raised , and we were raised in turn . I didn 't have to learn to repurpose when we started trying as a global community to lessen our waste . It is second nature to feel guilty if I have to throw something out before it is completely depleted or repurposed . And the coolest recipes sometimes spring from trying to use all the items in the fridge ! This is short and these are just some of the things the Old Man taught me . I recently heard someone say all brothers and sisters have different parents , because they all have a different relationship with their mothers and fathers than their siblings , and I think that 's true . I think my siblings may have some more to add to this ( and I am pretty sure they never had to learn the ' laughing hyena ' lesson ) , as we each had quality time with Daddy , and that quality time was when he shined . When he showed us that he really was such a beautiful man . We got off of the bus at 4 : 30 a . m . on a late October day in 1988 . There was a Sergeant and a few other Non - Commissioned Officers waiting for us when we pulled up . They immediately began barking at us to get off the bus , line up , follow them . We had to be processed and assigned bunks and then luckily , we were allowed to go to sleep . The next day was really only one and half hours after we arrived , which was really just a few minutes after we went to sleep in our newly assigned bunks . We had breakfast at the Mess Hall , then went to be weighed and measured and perform simple exercises most of which I could do , but I could not do a push - up . I never could ; I still can 't . However , if you are to be regular army , a push - up is mandatory . It 's a part of everyday army life . I felt inadequate , but try as I might ( and I did try , even though I did not want to be there ) , I just couldn 't do it . I was assigned to Fit Co , which was Fit Company , which was mostly for the overweight and out of shape . Even though I was underweight , and every other soldier in Fit Co was overweight , I still had to be there because I couldn 't do a push - up . My Drill Sergeant was four months younger than I was , and though we were very dissimilar , we respected each other and found each other exasperating and amusing at the same time . The Captain of Fit Co was a six foot four inch mountain of a man who wore Polo , so that he sort of scared the bejeezus out of me , but I found myself sidling up to him to sniff him . He caught me doing this a few times , and even though I explained that it was his fault for wearing such an intoxicating scent as Polo , he still would reprimand me and make me leave him alone . That is , until he found out I could type . He needed someone to type up some lists for the company , and I needed to avoid as much of the manual labor was that expected of us as possible . I spent most mornings with the Captain in a place that smelled like Heaven because the scent of Polo wafted in the air , but was really his office . Then came lunch , and we would head to the Mess Hall . We were not allowed to have dessert like the other trainees , because we were the out of shape company , so we had to watch our calories . The company had to all do things the same , so even though I was underweight , I had to eat what the overweight trainees were eating . After a few days , I found my way into a crew of mean girls . We weren 't the meanest girls though . There was one 19 year - old who thought she was our Drill Sergeant … or a snitch . She wanted to be a Drill Sergeant , but she was really a snitch . She told the Drill Sergeant when we didn 't comply with the rules ; any rules , no matter how minuscule . She really tried to make our lives miserable and make herself look good , but she just ended up getting picked on incessantly . Looking back , of course I feel bad for her . There is a balance between standing up for what you believe in and almost consciously ostracizing yourself . One day , some of us mean girls were pulling guard duty , so we had to go to lunch late , without our Drill Sergeant . When he came back with the rest of the company , we were allowed to go . We ate the lunch we were supposed to eat , but when it came time to leave , we decided collectively that since the Drill Sergeant wasn 't with us , and we weren 't fat , just mean , there was no reason why we shouldn 't have ice cream for dessert . Who cared if we had just a small , inconsequential little ice cream bar ? Who was it going to hurt ? It 's not like it would blow us up so much we wouldn 't be able to crawl on our bellies . We weren 't that out of shape , anyway . It was the other dummies in the company that were slowing us down . Not ice cream . So , we did it . We had ice cream . No one in the Mess Hall knew we were with Fit Co . So we thought . When we got back to the company barracks , my crew and I were called into the Drill Sergeant 's office . He played coy , and forced us to admit openly that we had the dreaded ice cream , enemy of the US Army 's fat troops . We were all pretty sure that the snitch somehow found out and ratted on us . Once it was out in the open , he decided that the other members of the mean girls were just that , girls , but I was twenty - eight and should know better . He made the others say penance and let them go with four Hail Marys and an Our Father ( okay , he wasn 't a priest , but it felt like a confession ) . Then , he turned to me and said , " Marlowe , Marlowe , Marlowe . I don 't know what I should do with you . Should I just let you go to your dorm and think about what you did , or make you wax the floors ? " I said , " I think you should make me wax the floors . " I don 't think he liked that answer . I got out the wax machine ; oh , what a beauty she was . She was a hummer , and she practically ran herself . I hummed myself , pushing her around and feeling very smug , bringing up a brilliant shine on the barracks office 's floor . The Drill Sergeant walked by me , and I saw the smoke coming from his ears . He yelled at me , " No HUMMING ! " , so I stopped and giggled a little and that made him even angrier , but he did nothing else except walk away in a huff . In the mornings , we had to exercise , for hours . Isometrics , isotonics , calisthenics , relay races , whatever they could think of . I loved the races and surprised our dear Sarge by beating out several younger girls . Calisthenics was okay , but I just could not hang with isometrics and isotonics . Ugh , those sit ups really hurt my stomach . I was in pain one day , and getting a migraine , so I told Sarge that I couldn 't do anymore exercises . He made me go to the hospital , and I had to bring a chaperone , so I wouldn 't get into any trouble . Okay . Silly Sarge sent one of my crew with me ! We got to the hospital , and there were a bunch of soldiers outside smoking . Smoking ! I missed it so much . We all did . I think we made it even harder on each other , because we would talk about how we really wanted ' a cigarette right now ' all the time . Of course , our first course of action was not to head into the hospital to get my now gone headache taken care of , but to hit up the soldiers for cigs . Oh that first glorious puff . Ah , ah . We looked at each other with sly and happy smiles . Then , we went into the hospital and the doctors prescribed Advil ® . When we came out , we bummed another wonderful cigarette each , and then returned to barracks . As the isotonic and isometric exercises continued , and I continued to hate them , my ' migraines ' became worse and worse , and Sarge had to keep sending me to the hospital for more Advil ® . I always took the same chaperone , and we always had our smoke breaks . We were learning how to get around the system . One morning , the Captain came in with the Chaplain . He was looking for someone to work in his office , since his assistant , a Specialist , had been caught having sex with a Basic Trainee . The Specialist was promptly shipped to Germany , and the Chaplain was left without office help . The Captain really liked me organizing his office , and I knew how to use a typewriter and a computer ! I knew how to file . They both wanted me , but the Captain still gave me to the Chaplain . The Chaplain was not very handsome and did not wear Polo . How I would miss sidling up to our giant Captain and smelling him . I was immediately sent with the Chaplain to his office . He had a small office , about half the size of the Captain 's . Where the Captain had a neat and efficient office , the Chaplain had papers all over and the general sense was disarray . I took care of that right away , and while doing so , chatted with the Chaplain and found I really liked him . In fact , I thought he was the sweetest , funniest person I had met on base yet . We had to march in the morning , before breakfast , before exercise , before I worked for the Chaplain . It was so cold out , even cold for November , but we were not allowed to wear our long underwear or even gloves . We were told that it would be much colder and we needed to acclimate to the cold . Many of these trainees came from all over the country , and they believed this line . I was from New Jersey , though , and I knew it was damn cold . I would pull my hands into my sleeves , but I would always be caught by a superior who yelled at me to take my hands out , which I did , until he was out of sight , of course . I became pretty close with the Chaplain in a short period of time . He told me his life story , and I told him mine . We made each other laugh . He really laughed when I told him that I didn 't like the Army after all , and I was going to figure out a way to get out . He said , " You are in this for four years . There 's no way out . " I said , " You wanna bet ? " We bet his Chaplain 's cross insignia . I cannot remember what I promised if I lost . That was inconsequential to me , because I knew that I would win . I do remember that he was not really allowed to give his insignia away , but he never thought I would win , and felt it was a safe bet . My ' migraines ' became more severe , and the Army sent me to a neurologist at the hospital . The doctor took out a polka - dot scarf and waved it in front of my eyes . Please . I knew this drill ! I blinked and squinted and scrunched and rubbed my eyes and said , " Ow " . Then , they sent me back to my barracks . I realized that the migraines were my ticket out of Fort Dix . I didn 't tell the Chaplain my plan , but I became convinced that if I could just keep a straight face , if I could just play this as High Drama , with no comedic undertones , I just may pull it off . I continued to work for the Chaplain , and do all the other things that were required of me . That no longer included exercise , as the neurologist gave me a medical pass because of my ' migraines ' . I almost got beat up a few times by the other soldiers , since I was a wise - ass who didn 't have to pay the consequences . If the Sarge and I had an argument on a march ( He and I always argued . He wanted me to do something and I always had something to say about it ) , he would make the others " drop and give me twenty " . They wanted to pummel me a few times . He knew it . It was his way of getting back at me . I think he knew what I was up to , but he was a by the book man , and he followed the rules to a tee . He would not challenge me on something he couldn 't prove . He loved his job . I really liked this Sarge . He was a good guy . We just clashed . We were both twenty - eight , and from two vastly different worlds and mindsets . Then , the day came , and I received word that I would be released from the Army on a Medical Discharge . Hallelujah ! The first thing I did was run to the Chaplain to tell him . He was flabbergasted . He lost ! He said he would miss me , handed over the coveted cross insignia , and then we set about getting his office in the best working order we could for when I left , and there was someone who obviously would not be as good as me , or fun , or smart as me to take my place . He loved me and I loved him . What a guy . I had lots of paperwork to fill out and packing and planning to do . Sarge seemed torn about how he would feel with me leaving , but I think he mostly felt relieved and also a little duped . My crew said they would miss me , but they were so young , and I think they would probably go on to become better soldiers without my presence . I was allowed to go the PX ( Post Exchange ) before I left . I also had to bring a chaperone there , so I brought my usual companion , and we entered the land of all things good . Beautiful , beautiful PX . If you have never been to one , think of Costco times five . We bought jewelry , clothes , make - up , and two cartons of cigarettes . We walked back to our barracks smoking and laughing and promising to stay in touch . We did , for a few years , but then like so many people before and since , we lost touch . And then you are left with your memories ; and then you lose most of them and they are replaced with more memories . I am glad I remember this much of my army month , because it really was an adventure ! I took a bus home from Fort Dix to Newark Airport the day before Thanksgiving . I kept a solemn look on my face the whole trip , in case there were spies to see if I was faking . Inside , I was awarding myself an Oscar and smirking wildly . Even when I got off of the bus , I remained poker - faced until I was in my sister 's car on Route 22 on our way to South Orange and Daddy , and I realized that I could finally smile . And I smiled the biggest smile I had smiled in months . Looking back , of course I wish that I had never joined the army , or took it seriously and stayed in the army . But then again , I wish so many things in my past were different . They just weren 't . And I am here , now , so I do the best I can each day . I do try to ' be all that I can be ' ! This is not a story about the army , really . It 's a story about me . I know that we owe so much to the men and women who serve our country . It 's a very hard job which they do very well . And I commend and thank them . But , it 's a fun memory , now that I am so removed from it ! The name Marlow is English and indicates a location . It literally means " what is left after the draining of a pond or lake " so people with the name Marlow lived in or near a drained pond or lake . Many Marlows ( and all derivations of the name ) can trace their ancestries back to Marlow , Buckinghamshire , England . In case you are wondering who you might be related to , derivations of Marlow include Marley , Marlowe , Marlo , Marloe , Merlau , Marle , Morley , Merlaue , Marlough , Marloughs , Marloughe , Marloughes , and Merlawe . Because of finding sharks teeth , tusks , and teeth of mammoth elephants and parts of wooly rhinoceros and dinosaur , it is believed that many years ago Marlow , England was submerged under water . Also found in the Marlow area are flints and tools from the Stone Age , a Belgic urn , and spearheads dropped in the Thames in the Bronze Age , articles from the Iron Age , and coins from the Romans left in local waters . The Saxons came and drained the ' mere ' ( according to Webster 's Dictionary , " a sea , lake , or pond ) and named the place " Merlaw " . In Anglo - Saxon language this means , " What is left after draining a mere . " There is both a Great Marlow , which once contained about 1800 acres and to the east of this , Little Marlow , which had 1600 acres . This land changed hands many times and at one time Edward the Confessor 's Queen owned Little Marlow and William of Normandy gave Great Marlow to his wife , Matilda . The Knights of Templars are credited with laying out the foundations of the town and bridging the river with the first of three famous spans it has had . The story I remember is that John Wesley came to Marlow , England , and convinced some followers to come with him to Ireland in the 1700s , and that is how the Marlow 's came to leave England for Ireland . John Wesley had an experience in which his " heart was strangely warmed . " After this spiritual conversion , which centered on the realization of salvation by faith in Christ alone , he devoted his life to evangelism . Beginning in 1739 he established Methodist societies throughout the country . He traveled and preached constantly , especially in the London - Bristol - Newcastle triangle , with frequent forays into Wales , Ireland , and Scotland . He encountered much opposition and persecution , which later subsided . ~ http : / / www . ccel . org / w / wesley / My Great - Grandfather , George Washington Marlowe , Jr . was born in 1814 in Dublin , Ireland to George Marlow and Catherine Smith . He married Jane Kennedy , who was born in Ireland on March 17 , 1833 . They had fourteen children altogether , three died in infancy . Mary was the only child born in Ireland in 1848 . Then came Catherine , Theresa , Anna , Margaret , George , Agnes , Esther , Thomas ( my Grandfather ) , Elizabeth and Charles . The legend is that Great - Grandpa Marlowe was a Freedom Fighter in Ireland , and one day he was making a soap box speech and was approached by friends who told him that the British Bobby 's were looking for him with an order for his arrest . Handing him a ticket , they told him to hasten to Liverpool and take the ship shortly to leave for America , which he did . They said they would send Jane and the baby she was carrying when he had found a place for them . Jane , who was nineteen years younger than he was , joined him with baby Mary one year later , sailing on the Camillus from Liverpool on April 17 , 1849 . They settled in New York City , and lived there for fourteen years when they moved to Louisville , KY , and then Cincinnati , OH , and finally Chicago where they made their home for many years with some of their children joining them . Here is the record from Jane coming to America in 1849 from the Ship Camillus ' manifest . I didn 't realize before that she was only eighteen and a mother of an infant when she arrived : Source Bibliography : GLAZIER , IRA A . AND MICHAEL TEPPER . The Famine Immigrants : Lists of Irish Immigrants Arriving at the Port of New York , 1846 - 1951 . Vol . IV ( April 1849 - September 1849 ) . Baltimore : Genealogical Publishing Co . , 1984 . pp . 1 - 200 . Their daughter Catherine ( called Katie ) was so beautiful , men used to follow her on the street for another look at her . Of all the men seeking her hand , she fell for a Jewish man . As it was the mid - 1800 's , and mixed marriages were not common or generally accepted , George and Jane naturally objected . She married him anyway , and they moved to Portland , Oregon . They lived happily , until one day Jane received a letter that Katie was very ill with inflammation of the bowels . Then , further word came that she was much improved ; but then another letter came stating that she took a change for the worse and died . I have discussed with others what they think caused this , and present conjecture is that it was a ruptured appendix . A Sister in the hospital in Oregon wrote to Jane to say Katie was well prepared to die , and had a beautiful , peaceful death . Margaret was the fourth child of Jane and George . She never married , and lived into her eighties . She was a darling , and when she laughed , everyone laughed . She took care of her father the last two years of his life when he was bedridden because of a broken hip sustained when he was ninety . Charles , or Charlie as he was called , drowned in the Columbia River at Bonner 's Ferry in 1893 . He was working as a surveyor , and was on a train which was stuck due to trouble , so Charlie and another young man rented a canoe and went down the treacherous river with its swift currents . The canoe became caught in one and overturned . Charlie was a very good swimmer , and the folks on the shore were not worried about him , they were worried about the other fellow , who was holding onto the capsized boat . However , when Charlie reached shore he was quickly drawn down by the quicksand , and his body wasn 't found until three months later . Of course , by then his body couldn 't be shipped home . The Indians there buried him and put a white fence around his grave . Mary and her husband Charlie Carson were living in Spokane at the time . Charlie Carson went to Bonner 's Ferry to see the Indians bury Charlie Marlowe . My father 's cousin remembered that Great - Grandma as a wonderful person and quite religious . She was going from her kitchen to the dining room and between the parlor and back parlor and she saw her son Charlie who said to her but one word , " Mother . " It was at the exact time that he died . Jane Kennedy was the daughter of a Spanish Princess , Mary Ann Carlos ( or Costello , or Castillo ) . While at finishing school in Paris , the Princess became fond of a young lady named Kennedy . When they had social affairs , Miss Kennedy 's brother would attend and he and the Princess fell in love . Mary Ann returned home to give her parents the news , but they informed her that she had a pre - arranged marriage to a nobleman . So , she and her lady - in - waiting plotted an escape . They made a green ensemble . The dress and the coat were both trimmed with buttons and each was a gold piece covered with material . There was also a large belt , and sewn within she carried jewelry . The Princess and her lady - in - waiting left home one night and went to the seaport where they took a ship to Liverpool . She married her Kennedy lover , and was disowned by her family for marrying a commoner . He was disowned by his wealthy coach maker family because he married a Catholic , and they were poor but happy . Great Grandpa Marlowe always stood erect and carried a cane , as most gentlemen did in his day . In winter he wore a black coat with a cape and in the pocket he always carried a bag of horehound candy which he thought best for children . His long white hair curled on his shoulders and his beard covered his chest . At the age of sixty - five , he vowed never to cut his hair until the land he loved , Ireland , was free . He was the perfect image of Santa Claus . One year he was asked by Marshall Fields of Chicago to act as their Santa . While doing so , he was approached by a gentleman from Hyde Park , then a fashionable part of Chicago , who asked him to come to his home early Christmas morning . The man sent his carriage with a team of matched horses for George , and ' St . Nicholas ' gave them a real treat . George was a wise man . His advice included , " Never cover your forehead with your hair . Your forehead is the sign of your intelligence . " , " Never let anyone convince you that the works known as Shakespeare were written by anyone other than Christopher Marlowe . I know . I am a Marlowe , and it 's a family tradition . " He said that Christopher was an atheist and was banned from England and in his exile kept writing and sending back his works to a friend in England for publication . Perhaps it was under the name of Shakespeare or to a man named Shakespeare . He sang opera with Emma Abbott and Jenny Lind , and often in concerts for charitable purposes . At sixty - five , he was tenor soloist at St . Columkills Church in Chicago and people from all parts of the city went to hear him . He loved Abraham Lincoln , and made speeches throughout Indiana for Abe for President . When Lincoln was assassinated , George draped his home in black . Their son , Thomas John Marlowe , met Bertha Werhle at the Columbian Exposition in 1892 . The Exposition was The Worlds Fair . They must have met at the dedication ceremonies on October 21 , 1892 ( in 1893 it opened to the public ) . http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / World 's _ Columbian _ Exposition They married , and moved to Newark , New Jersey , where Bertha 's family lived . They raised six children . Adele was born on December 24 , 1897 ; Katharyn was born in 1905 and died after marrying and giving birth . The story is that she passed away due to complications from anesthesia in the dentist 's chair ( don 't forget , things were much different then ) . After Katharyn came Bertha , who was born on August 2 , 1907 ; Elizabeth who was born on May 2 , 1911 ; my father Thomas John Jr . , who was born on January 18 , 1914 ; and the baby of the family , Frances , born on August 27 , 1916 . There were two other boys who were born and died in infancy , and both were named Thomas John Marlowe , Jr . That is how they did it back then . They kept naming the Junior until my Dad came along and lived . Grandpa had only one arm . The story I heard from my brother Kit who got the scoop straight from our Old Man is that Grandpa tried to catch a train by reaching out for it and lost his arm . He was a hunter in his youth , hunting Grizzly Bear . I heard about his hunting prowess over and over when I was young , and when we went to the Natural Museum of History , I always thought the Taxidermied Bear was the one he killed , and now it would get me ! He love alcohol and carousing ( I 'm not sugar - coating this ) , and Grandma Marlowe was left to rear the children . Look at the attached photograph and you will see the difference in their lifestyles . She was just fifty - two in this picture , and he was fifty - eight , but she looks much older than he does ! That is because she bore the brunt of most of the responsibility of raising their children . One day during the Great Depression , a hobo came to their door asking for money . Grandma said she didn 't have any money to spare , but she gave him $ 10 . 00 to go to the store for her and get a sack of flour . She said when he came back and brought the flour and the change , she would feed him dinner . When Grandpa came home , he was livid . How could she be so stupid to give a bum $ 10 . 00 ? The hobo came back , though , and brought both the flour and Grandma 's change , and she fed him a good dinner . Thomas Marlowe , Jr . graduated from Newark Engineering School in 1936 , and got married to a woman named Marie . They had twin daughters , Barbara and Patricia , on November 12 , 1938 . Eventually , Thomas and Marie divorced . Thomas started his own engineering firm in New York City . He was a thirty - three year old divorced Catholic when he met her . My mother , Elaine Marie Kall , was eleven years younger than Daddy . She was born in 1924 in Rockford City , Illinois to Gustav and Ethel Kall . She had a brother , Ralph , who was eleven years older than she was ( the same age as my father ; I never thought about that before ) . She had a privileged life , monetarily speaking , but she did not receive love and affection from her parents who were much older than she . She attended Purdue University in Indiana from 1942 to 1946 , and many men fell in love with her , and she was engaged many times . Her major was Communications . Upon graduating , she moved to New York City and got a job with the phone company . One day , her roommate asked her to chaperone a first date she was going on . My mother said she would , and off they went in the taxi to meet the man . The man couldn 't stop talking to my mother , or take his eyes off of her . When they were leaving the restaurant , the man asked her if she would go on a date with him . She felt the connection , too , and said yes . Of course , the man was my father . Thomas John Marlowe , Jr . ( they chose ' Jr . ' instead of ' III ' ) , Tommy was born on December 1 , 1947 , and was doted on by parents and grandparents alike . Two years later , Charles , or Chuck as he is called , was born on June 9 , 1949 . Following closely behind was Christopher , Kit , born December 2 , 1951 ; then Michael Francis was born on Leap Year , February 29 , 1952 . The first girl in the family was Elaine , who was born on February 28 , 1953 . She was spoiled by parents and brothers , and they nicknamed her " Sissy " , because she was their only sister . That lasted for a few more years , and James Joseph , Jimmy , was born on July 7 , 1954 . On December 11 , 1955 , Elaine was no longer the only girl , because Mary Christina , Tina , came into the world . In 1957 , Kathleen was born , but she was only with us for a short while , dying of SIDS ( though they didn 't know what that was at the time ) at three months old . Michael was five - years old , and he is the one that found her . It was a heartbreaking time for the whole family , and stuck with our family as part of our dynamic to this day . After Kathleen came Kevin Ian , born on May 7 , 1959 , and I followed exactly one year later , born on May 7 , 1960 . The last child , our lovely Karen Adele , was born on May 22 , 1962 , and our happy little family was complete . I was walking home from kindergarten , when I happened on a woman in her driveway with a preschooler . She asked if I attended South Mountain Elementary School , and when I said I did , she told me that her child was going to be in kindergarten himself the very next year . " Well " , said I , " Isn 't that something ? I have been picked to be the person who shows the new kids and their moms around the school , so they can get an idea of what it 's like . " " Really , is that so ? " replied the mom , skeptically . " Why yes " , I exclaimed , and added with a sly child 's greed , " and it will only cost you a quarter . " A quarter was the going rate for all of our well - intentioned , spontaneously way - laid plans . Fifteen cents was okay , and you could buy some candy , or maybe a comic book with it , but with a quarter ? You could do all sorts of things . If you were down the shore , a quarter got you five pinball games ( with a chance for a free game if you rolled the score over one hundred thousand , or if you " popped " a game by matching the last two numbers to the ones that came up for you ) . Anywhere you were , you could buy ice cream and candy , candy and a soda , or two comic books with a nickel left over for candy ! When we had been friends for a couple of years ( I believe we were nine or ten ) , Ginny and I made a potholder on a potholder loom . Then we took our ' sample ' , and walked around the neighborhood , collecting quarters from our neighbors , with the promise of making them potholders , in colors they requested . We firmly planned to do this . That is , until we had the quarters . Then , we were too busy eating ice cream and candy , drinking soda , and reading comic books to make a bunch of potholders . We were very good at closing the deal , but there was no follow through . But that day when I was five , and standing in the woman 's driveway with her and her child , she had the upper hand . Oh , she was a shrewd woman ! She agreed to give me the quarter when she came to school with her son , if I was there to give them the tour . She said she 'd look for me . There was no reaping of ill - gotten gains that day , but what a scam it would have been ! I almost pulled the wool over her eyes , almost had her right where I wanted her ; asking the principal where the kindergartner she had paid to be her guide was . I didn 't learn from my childhood fiascoes , though . Twice I was the worst Avon lady that ever existed . The first time , when I was seventeen , I actually took orders , but I never placed them . Then again , when I was much older , I thought I could make some money to get on my feet . I paid for samples and everything I needed . That was the extent of that stint as an Avon lady , no doorbells rung , no orders taken , no money collected . Once , I went with a zealous friend to an Amway seminar , but decided to leave before the head spinning . No , selling is not for me . I see the successful salesperson ; I have worked for successful salesperson . I envy their drive , ambition , and secure demeanor . I do not possess any of those things . One other important issue for me is this : I could not sell something unless I wholeheartedly believed in it . When I worked for a certain diner in town in the early eighties , I was not enthused by the preparation of the food or the cleanliness of the kitchen . When a customer asked one day what was good , I replied , " If you walk up the street , to the right is the Town Hall … " I quit the diner that day . Another unrealized post ? Too many unfinished thoughts ? Too bad . I 'm kidding … I think . As most of you know , I was laid - off in April , and I am hoping to get my writing juju back . Possibly it will be spurred by ennui ! Michael , I already miss you . I last saw you on July 10th , and somehow the time went by , and I didn 't come to see you again . Even though I knew you were in stage four lung cancer , I always believed you were going to recover . Oh how I wished and prayed , as all wish and pray for their loved ones who have terminal illnesses . I started writing this the day you died , Michael , but then I couldn 't continue . The grief of losing you and the life we live continuing on , merging , converging to create confusion . You died on Saturday , July 21st , and one week later your 12 1 / 2 year old dog Kobe was diagnosed with diabetes . Your wife , my sister Karen , stayed home for two weeks , but then returned to work . It 's so hard for her , but it 's a good thing that she did . I am working from home now , so I volunteered to spend time with Kobe a couple of days a week , and my other brother - in - law Doug did , too . I have been so glad to be there for Karen , for Kobe , for you , Michael . I like to think that you would be proud of me , or happy at least , that I stepped up and helped your family out . You and Karen were there for me in so many magnanimous ways . Even when you didn 't think I deserved your help , you still helped me . I can never repay the kindness , so I don 't try . I just do what I think is right , now . It 's now been over seven months since you have passed . We have not forgotten you , but think of you each day . It feels like you were just here , and it 's so weird that you are not . I haven 't written anything since Mike died . It seems I have just been drifting day to day … just trying to get through it . Get through what ? Winter ? Sadness ? Life ? My cat Cherie died in January . Doug came to help me take her to the vet . She had not left the apartment since I took her to be spayed when she was six months old . Five years later , I picked Doug up at lunchtime , so he could catch her to put her in the carrier and we could take her to Dr . Levine 's . She wasn 't eating . She was losing weight , and appeared to be panting and thirsty . She had to go , but I knew she would be difficult to catch . Doug cornered her in the hallway , wrapped her in a towel , and she was dead before she reached the carrier … I think so . I think she was dead even before he put her in there . The carrier door fell off , and we were fighting with it , trying to get it back on . I worried she would try to scratch her way out , but she didn 't move . I knew then she was dead . I started freaking out , but Doug , in his constant pragmatic way , said , " I think you 're right , but let 's not panic . She may be in shock . Let 's just get her to the vet , and see what they say . " We got in the car and started driving the few blocks to the vet . I called Karen to tell her , and I was thinking , " Oh my god , I 'm in the car with Doug and my dead cat , pretending that there 's a chance she 's just in shock . " We got to the vet , and I knew she was dead , but I was still upset that someone was not coming NOW to help us . That was about a three - minute wait that felt like forever . We went into the examination room , and the vet , she was amazing . She was yelling for tubes and sticking a tube down the cat 's throat and blowing in it . It was shocking and there was a minute there when I thought , " She just may bring this cat back to life " , though even while I was thinking it I knew it was a silly thought . I knew the cat was dead and she was just being valiant , because it was her job . Sharon was diagnosed with Non - small cell lung cancer just about the same time as Mike . Sharon , my best high school friend , the Lucy to my Ethel . The love I had for Sharon was incomparable . We used to dream we would be rich wives and lunch and shop together everyday , but as usual , life had other plans and we drifted apart , but always apart and back together , until one day we didn 't drift back together . Sharon died on March 1 , 2013 . I found out because Ricky posted a message on Facebook saying that he was so sad that she had passed . What ? She passed ? I don 't know why , but I always thought I would be one of the first to know . It just felt that my love for her was so strong , so lasting that everyone would know that I needed to know . Another silly thought , because honestly , I wasn 't a part of her world when she finally left it . When she left it though , I lost it . It was so hard to deal with because she was so young , and Mike was so young . It was so hard to deal with because 2012 had been a year of loss , and I had such high hopes for 2013 , then we lost a bunch of loved ones again . It was so hard because I had these really awesome memories of Sharon and I , and I could never tell her again , " Do you remember … ? " I think that is what is so hard for so many of us when dealing with loss . Sharon 's wake was hard , it was so hard . I couldn 't believe it was her in the coffin , and I said , " She doesn 't look like herself " , but her cousin Marie said , " Meg , they did such a good job . She was so sick , she looked so sick . She looks pretty now . She 's wearing her favorite suit and necklace . " So , I looked at her again , and she did look so pretty , and so at rest . My poor little Sharon . God , I loved that girl . The funeral was even tougher , because I knew that this is it . It 's over . You will never see her again . But , it was funny , too . It was held at Our Lady of Sorrows , the church Sharon and I used to go to for Midnight Mass , and yes , we were stoned . One time we got the giggles in church , because we were amazed that the ceiling didn 't fall down on us heathens . It was times like that , and there were a lot of them , that I would really miss . So I was standing there next to Harry , Sharon 's high school boyfriend and lifelong friend , while the priest was talking about Sharon , and I was thinking about the ceiling falling in on us , and I was laughing to myself . And I was thinking about how Sharon would feel about me laughing , and I laughed again . It 's like that with loss . Laughter does ease the pain , and as we are further removed from the immediacy of the loss , the laughter becomes even more important . Now , when I think of Sharon , I think of the fun times , and I smile . I smile when I think of my brother - in - law , my best friend , my mother , my father , and all of our loved ones ~ so many ~ that have gone before . Loss is life ; the end of it . It 's inevitable . Laughter is a device life gives us to face the loss . I miss each of them so much . I just hope to be of such character to be missed as much when it 's my time to leave you , and you will laugh ; oh god , how you 'll laugh . Note : since I began this post , I have been laid off … yes , an unemployed bum , again . It has taken me ten months to finish this story . A tumultuous and sad year , but summer is almost here , and the promise of a new life . Another new start for this old life . And I remain forever grateful , to those who have passed on , and those of you still here on this orb , offering love and encouragement . I love . I love . I love you all . Thank you . My mother Elaine was born on October 2 , 1924 in Rockford , Illinois . She was a fabulous beauty with many suitors , and a few fiancés , but of course , life intervened and she made it through college to move to New York City , where she met my father , married , and had eleven children , one of whom died of SIDS at three months old . She was an actress , lecturer in her church , politically active , and a Children 's Librarian for many years at local library . One day in 1980 , she started feeling a sore throat . It bothered her , but she was not one to run to the doctor 's office . She kept saying that she would go if she didn 't start to feel better soon . She said that for a month . Finally , she realized the sore throat was not going away , and she went to the doctor , who sent her for tests , and she found out she had Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or ALS for short , or as it is commonly known , Lou Gehrig 's disease : I must admit , when I found out , I moved within months to California . I was twenty - one years old and subconsciously but selfishly knew that I could not watch the events unfold . I could not lose my mother . During the next year , Mommy struggled to live each day , but she continued to work in the South Orange Public Library as a Children 's Librarian . She lost her voice completely , lost use of her legs and had difficulty using her arms and hands . She was confined to a wheelchair , and had no real form of communication except her eyes and guttural sounds . This was causing intense depression for her , as she was a Communications Major , Actress , Writer , Librarian . Before she could no longer write , she was keeping a journal of her feelings about the onset of this disease . One day I read in her journal how hard it was to lose one 's voice , of all things , when your life is built around communicating . It was heartbreaking . The children of the library to the rescue ! They held a benefit to raise money to buy a newly designed computer for my mother to use at the library . She could type into the computer , and it would speak for her ! This was quite a miracle in 1981 , and it meant she could continue working with the kids , whom she loved so well , and who loved her as much or more . I moved back to South Orange , as my big sister Tina had written me to advise that Karen could not bear the brunt of the caretaking alone . My father was eleven years older than my mother , and crippled by intense love and a pre - sense of loss . My brother Kevin helped of course , but Karen really was the primary caregiver for my mother . The other brothers and sisters were older , with young families of their own , and limited time to offer assistance . So , I returned . The disease continued to take its toll rapidly , and my mother continued to fight back . She just would not give up on the quality of life . She wanted to wear what she thought were her finest dresses ( she would be so mad if I tried to choose what she should wear , she was sick , not daft ! ) , all the food she always ate such as steak and pizza , albeit pulverized , and of course , her Five - O ' clock Cocktails . We would make blender drinks , and she would have her cocktails through a straw . She was happiest when her fragmenting world showed signs of normalcy . She insisted on going places . The shopping outlets , plays , out to dinner . She didn 't want to be a shut - in . There were many people back then who had a problem with a dying woman in a wheelchair enjoying life . I don 't know how much that has changed , but I pray our world is wiser , and we realize that we may very well wheel that chair one day ! Also , wheelchair accessibility in the early eighties was so limited . We would show up somewhere , and find we could not continue with our plans due to narrow aisles or no elevators . There were days we were so happy to have just a little more time together . There were days we ended up so disheartened by an unmoving world in our wildly changing lives . A woman wrote to Mommy and said , " I don 't know how you do it . I saw you at church , and you are so brave . I have just found out I have ALS , and I am really scared . " This woman was embarrassed , as the world wanted the dying to be . She locked herself away and ate baby food , and was gone in six months . I have finally learned , from this experience and others like it , that no matter what the world throws at you , you have to fight . Even if you don 't win the war , the battles won make you a champion ! As the disease progressed , and the caretaking became more difficult , my mother 's and my depression worsened . I am highly ashamed to admit that I felt the need to confess all my life 's sins to my mother . Why ? I cannot explain it . Somehow I felt she needed to know . I wished the moment after , and forever since that I did not do that . The hurt on her face was clearly readable . There was complete communication coming from her eyes . I had cut her deeply . I could not take it back , but I wish I could have said , " Only kidding . " After that , I left for California again . I was selfishly immature for a twenty - three year old . I went back to Cambria , California , and worked as a prep - cook in a local restaurant , and cocktail - waitressed , and sometimes bartended in the big Saloon . I lived in an apartment above the saloon without a phone . On the morning of June 25 , 1983 , my boss from the restaurant came knocking on my apartment door , and calling my name , waking me up . Did I think , " What is she doing here ? She never comes here . " No , I knew . I started crying immediately . I went outside and placed a collect call to my sister Karen , who confirmed it . Mommy was gone . I tried to work and act like it was no big deal . I made it through the first night , but the next day I broke down on the restaurant 's kitchen floor . I had no money to return for the wake or funeral , and so I remained in my little apartment above the bar , getting drunk and crying over the pictures of and letters from my Mom . I stayed there for a week . Part of my heart stayed there forever . It was the first time I experienced such true life - altering loss , and I had removed myself from the epicenter of support . You would have thought that would have been a lesson learned . Of course , it wasn 't . The lessons I should have learned from this eluded me for many years . I heard the Funeral was big . There were police escorts . Everyone loved my mother so . I still hear from so many people how much she meant to them , to their parents , to their children . I am so proud to say that Elaine Marie Kall Marlowe was my mother . I just wish she could see I am finally learning the lessons she tried to teach through her words , and when there were no words , through her actions .
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Warren Millard may have been the only one in the office who didn 't know what was really going on , but that wasn 't because he was stupid . He just never expected duplicity . So when the meeting finally adjourned , Warren thought nothing of the fact that Margaret said , " Gina ? Could you stay behind a moment ? " Margaret Prestler had the following words crammed into the space under her name on her desk nameplate a person had to bend down and squint to read them " Managing Director of the Free Public Library of the Town of Watkins , Kansas . " Margaret had been hired by the Town Council to make the hard decisions . In seven - and - a - half months on the job , she had let ha the staff go . Excluding herself , she was down to four : Warren , who sat all day at the checkout counter ; Carlotta Majorca , the Assistant Managing Director ; Harvey Lang , the janitor and maintenance man ; and Gina Bright , who was hired by Margaret 's predecessor to the job of Arts and Education Outreach Coordinator . Warren never exactly understood what she did . But once she arranged a field trip for a group of schoolchildren during which she lost control of the kids to the point where she ran to the bathroom in tears . Harvey took over from there and did a better job , too . Margaret told her , " No more field trips . " Now Gina sat at the table picking at her cuticles and looking much the way she did before the children broke her down . The others filed out . All that could be heard was the rainwater as it dripped from the leaking roof into a bucket set in the corner of the office . " I wouldn 't bet on that , " Carlotta said . Part of her job was keeping the books so she considered herself indispensable . So far her calculations were correct . " She 'll be alright . She has a husband to fall back on . Doesn 't she ? " " They split up , " said Harvey . " Uh - oh . There she goes . " When Margaret appeared suddenly from behind the wall , they dispersed . Warren went back to what he did most of the time : checking the information in the library 's computerized catalogue against the information on the physical cards of the old catalogue . It wasn 't a job that needed to be done , but it gave him something to do . There was a time when more people came to his counter with a video or a book for him to check out or check in . He would swipe the barcode with a gun that emitted a red line of light , and the computer would beep to signify all was as it should be . Gina came out of the office . Her face was gleaming with wetness . Her steps were deliberately silent . She plucked tissues from a box she kept in her desk drawer . Harvey went up and offered some kind of hushed consolation . Some time later , Margaret emerged . By now everyone was used to her bent body , which somehow brought to mind a misassembled coat rack , and the odd walk she wrung from it . Her pelvis jutted noticeably from her left side yet scarcely had a presence on her right . Her breasts hung unevenly and her shoulders didn 't line up either . It was as if she 'd been left that way by disease or an accident or something else she never talked or was asked about . " I need another bucket in my office , " she announced to Harvey . " There 's another leak . " He went straight to the basement to get it . Margaret made no remark about her never having lived in a place where it rained so much , but she had said that many times before . As she turned , she spotted Gina , who was still there working at her desk , her eyes still red . " Gina , " she said , " What are you doing ? " " It 's alright , Gina . That 's why it 's called severance pay . We 're not paying you for work . We 're paying you for the severance . " " No , Gina . Now please clean out your desk and be on your way . Okay ? " She looked like she had more to say , but she didn 't say anything . As always it took a moment for her and everyone else to realize that the sirens outside were sounding . They always started slowly , then built in pitch and volume until at full blare , warning the community that a tornado might be coming . They stood atop a pole outside the Methodist church , just feet from the library itself . Margaret rolled her eyes . She always seemed a little appalled when everyone would just drop what they were doing and scamper to the basement like mice for whatever period of time it took to shut those things off . Her first time she had no idea of the custom , coming as she did from the Pacific Northwest . Carlotta had to explain that it was a safety measure . " Good Lord , " Margaret said . " The basement ? " Fortunately for her the library had a large and fairly clean one that was designed to be a fallout shelter back when the building first went up . The basement had room for bunk beds and provisions of food and water , none of which where there now of course , and could comfortably hold a twelve or fifteen people , enough apparently to repopulate the earth in the event of a nuclear holocaust . There was still a sign on the wall attesting to the room 's former purpose , but the red and yellow colors of the tri - coned symbol for radioactivity were too grime - encrusted now to draw much notice . Now it held some extra bookshelves , a floor buffer in disrepair , mops and buckets and boxes filled with rolls of toilet paper . In the far corner , pipes the width of two men swooped down from the ceiling . Harvey also had a small workstation down there , consisting of a table with a snake - necked desk lamp and a small rectangular radio atop it . The black swivel chair had ripped seat padding . Harvey leapt from it and said , " Sirens ? " They were impossible to hear in the basement . Margaret was the last to come down . She had to lock the front door , and was obviously in no great hurry . That first time Carlotta pointed out their practice of leaving the door unlocked so people on the street could come in for shelter . " If somebody steals my computer , " Margaret said , " who do you think will be responsible for it ? " They were down there more than twenty minutes . The only sound was Gina 's uncontrollable weeping . Harvey gave her his chair and put a hand on her shoulder out of support , but nothing could stop her . The Beautiful Madness of Emily Dickinson The sight of Warren walking the streets strapped with his black backpack was a familiar one to the people of Watkins , who made a point of waving to him from their passing cars . Warren had a car , once . For four - and - a - half glorious months after his mother died , he drove everywhere in her old Ford sedan until the transmission fell out as he sped along a highway about ten miles north of town . Somehow he was never scared as the car skidded to a safe stop . And he didn 't look back on the loss of his mobility as any kind of bad luck since it was Emil Drucker , the closest thing to a friend he 'd ever had , who stopped to give him a ride . The wind picked up and he had to shield his face from the driven rain as he passed the houses on the east side of town . These were good , solid , tended homes with basements , which were preferred in a prairie town surrounded for hundreds of miles by flat lethal expanse . They appeared to stay perfectly dry in their cocoons of yellow porch light . Beyond those was a narrow stretch of road lined on one side by sunflowers that towered despite the rain and on the other by arid earth plowed into parallel lines . Farther off , obscured by the gray , there were silos and barns , fences , idle tractors . Past the farmland the road turned to gravel . The houses were much fewer out here . When they did pop up they were rugged and lived - in , built for surviving , almost more outposts than homes . Warren had seen them vast and modest , kept up and run down . What they all had in common was their isolation . The gravel turned to mud . The house where Emil lived was a relatively grand two - story structure perched at the end of the dirt road behind a dense cluster of trees . No light or other sign of life emitted from it since Emil always kept the shades down , the curtains drawn , and the porch light off . Emil met him at the door . " Get in here and get your wet things off . Why don 't you ever use an umbrella ? I 'll help you with the backpack . Wow , it 's heavy this week . " That was where the TV was . Emil was sure to be flipping the channels looking for blobs of green , yellow and especially red in a halting trek across the screen . All the local stations had interrupted their regular shows . Young men with haircuts and rolled - up shirtsleeves spoke urgently : Stay away from windows and glass doors Like no other person Warren had known who wasn 't from around here , Emil worried when the weather turned bad . Folks in the following counties should be heading for their basements or the lowest floor of the building " I hope the sirens don 't go off again , " Emil said . " I hate when the sirens go off . " Warren took off his sneakers and settled into the plush reclining chair next to the sofa Emil was on . Emil said , " It doesn 't bother you at all that at any time the sky out here could just open up and strike you dead ? " Of course Warren had never thought of it quite like that - Emil had the gift of making him see things in a different way . But the undeniable fact was that had Warren had lived nearly every second of his twenty - six years in Watkins and had never seen a tornado . No one he knew had been affected by one in any way . He had never even heard of one ever hitting Watkins . When the sirens went off , his mother would look up from her Soap Opera Digest and say , " Nothing 's going to happen , Warren , " and every time she was right . Once , however , when he was almost too young for memory , Warren was playing in the field behind the house he and his parents lived in before his father committed suicide . He was sitting in the tall grass pretending to be at the bottom of the ocean when his ears popped and he looked up at a greenish haze that suddenly congealed in the air . The wind kicked up abruptly . Low clouds circled directly above him . At one point he reached up to take the hand they seemed to be extending to him . Then he heard his father calling his name , and he sauntered inside thinking of buttered toast sprinkled with cinnamon . Emil got up to check on dinner . He had said last week that he would order a ham and from the aroma Warren could tell it had arrived . Emil could afford to get almost all his food through the mail , or delivered in some other way . Emil had been more or less an undetectable presence in Watkins in the year since he showed up . He only left the house at night , and even then only when compelled . He made supper once a week in exchange for Warren bringing by books from the library . Measures of thought and care went into the cooking , and it was always the best meal Warren had all week . After the meal they settled in the den to talk or sometimes watch TV . They also drank . Among the many things Emil had opened Warren 's mind to in the past year was the red - wine hangover . But Warren loved the flutter he got ensconced in that afghan - draped recliner listening to Emil go on - he seemed to know something about just about everything - and listening to himself go on as well , usually at Emil 's prodding though not always . " Gina was let go today , " he said . " Just like you said she 'd be . " " No she won 't , Warren . I keep telling you Gina 's not like the others . She 's fragile . She took it hard , I 'll bet . " Warren nodded . Emil had predicted that , too . He also knew that Harvey would be the only one to try and console her . Emil never met any of the people Warren worked with , but through Warren he had come to know them intimately . He had a limitless curiosity when it came to the people at the library , and Warren always answered his questions in the way most natural to him - honestly and completely . He said more than he knew he did , and he knew more than he would have thought . Emil was of the firm opinion that the Town Board 's hiring of Margaret Prestler was the death knell for the Watkins Free Library . That was , he said , the fate that befell the last three libraries she managed . She seemed to have carved out a niche for herself as the person who was hired to hasten those eventualities , to shut down libraries in towns looking for ways to ease their financial straits . He said her resume listed jobs at small - town libraries in one - or two - year intervals : Bremerton , Washington ; Berne , Idaho ; Sandstone , Colorado . How did Emil know all this ? " You can find out anything about anyone these days online , " he said . That was alarming news to Warren , but it turned out to be not exactly true . Warren had his own key to the library , given to him years and several directors ago . No one ever asked him to give it back . Sometimes , on weekends or holidays , he would let himself in and spend time on the library 's one internet - connected computer . His breath was a little quick when he typed " Warren Millard " into the search engine , but all that came back was the phrase does not match any documents . Warren regarded his weekly get - togethers with Emil as a kind of good deed - bringing books and companionship to a near shut - in . Emil had done as much for him . When the dark - haired dark - eyed man with the crooked jaw and the odd East - coast way of talking stopped to help him that night on the highway , he became the first passing motorist in Warren 's memory who did not merely wave at him . When Warren accepted the offer of a ride back to Watkins , Emil had seemed off - kilter in some way , maybe even a little scary . But as they drove along , Warren came to appreciate the intelligent and kind person he really was . They hit it off and Warren felt so at ease that he accepted Emil 's invitation to his house for a glass of wine . From there it wasn 't long before they were naked . Warren wasn 't inexperienced sexually he was driving home in fact from a highway rest area he had been visiting since he was nineteen and he found he could be quite passionate and even commanding when he was aroused enough . His ill - fitting clothes concealed a naturally solid physique : thick cylindrical limbs , a robust hairless chest , and a dimpled rear end that for the time at least was free of pimples and cellulite . Not that he 'd had a lot of chances to show his passion or his physique . The rest area more often than not was a bust , as it had been that night . They had sex a couple of times after that , but it was obvious neither of them were as turned on as that first time . Their friendship grew , hoSo it was a shock to learn that Emil was , in effect , married . That is to say , he was in " a long - term committed relationship " with someone . Emil rather casually let it drop as he made something to eat for them after their third and final sexual encounter . The someone turned out to be a chemical salesman who spent a lot of time on the road . At first , Warren felt deceived . Around the house there was no evidence to suggest the presence of any chemical salesman . There was no snapshot on the fridge , no second toothbrush in the cup on the bathroom sink . And then there was Emil 's failure to mention him up until then . Tim . Warren had not reckoned that the chemical salesman had a name . It was more bad news . But with the sharp pain came a clarity that made the words so easy to articulate : " I guess honesty has no bearing on your relationship with Tim either . I mean , you don 't mind sneaking around on him . " " Of course . I tell him everything . And he tells me everything . We have an open relationship , but we 're still committed to one another . Besides , you and I aren 't having sex anymore . We 're friends now . But if you feel you can 't be friends with someone like me then please don 't allow me to offend your sensibilities any further . " They fell silent awhile . Now that Warren thought of it , he had noticed a faint chemical odor whenever he came in the house , though it always disappeared after minute or two . He said , " We 're not having sex anymore ? " It was , but it still hurt to hear it . Because by that time Warren had come to believe he was in love . At a later time , Warren would calculate a total of seventy - five hours - the length of time between their second and their third encounter - when he was convinced of it , when his world was convulsed by it . It was a glorious feeling that Warren had never experienced and he was forever grateful to Emil for inducing it in him even despite the many more much less pleasurable feelings that followed . As Warren grew to discover his friend 's peculiarities including his intense aversion to going outside during the day Warren found he could be helpful to him . At his own suggestion he began to bring him the books , checking them out himself with his own library card . The computer reminded him of the last book he took out , a manual on car repair , nearly seven years ago when he first started working at the library . But he was happy the card was getting some use now , happy at the system 's beeps of approval , happy to make Emil happy . For his part Emil always returned the books in one week 's time . Emil requested specific books , mostly about art and history , but library 's collection was modest and it took him only a matter of weeks to go through the titles that interested him . After that he seemed willing to read anything . " Surprise me , " he told Warren . " Bring me whatever you like . You must have books that you like . " That seemed a logical assumption , Warren having worked at a library since he got out of high school . But of all the books that had passed through his hands , only a very few piqued his interest enough for him to open them . He told this to Emil and got only an unbelieving stare in response . Usually Emil was pretty good at disguising whatever he found appalling about Watkins and its people , but at that particular moment he seemed caught off guard . He actually went slack jawed . " I mean , no one reads the books , " Warren said . " I mean , no one has read them in a long time . People don 't come in very much . " The night ended the way it always did with Emil unpacking the contents of the backpack . He always made a bit of a show of it . " Oh my , " he said . " My my my . Doors and Window Frames . Look , it 's got illustrations . Oh look at this . And this . The Origin of Species . You 've outdone yourself again , Warren . " Emil would then assist in carefully packing up the books from the previous week . Warren would return them to the library the next morning . Emil drove Warren home . It was late enough that Emil could go out . A sparse rain dotted the windshield . Emil dropped him off at the entrance to the trailer court . He had never asked to come inside Warren 's trailer strangely , his curiosity rarely extended to Warren 's home life nor had Warren ever invited him in . Play the Piano in Ten Easy Lessons ! Warren arrived at the library in the morning hung over and a few minutes late . But the rain was heavy on the way in and everyone was looking a little disheveled and disoriented . He joined his three remaining co - workers , who were standing around Gina 's desk . " Why didn 't you say anything to her before she left yesterday ? " Margaret said . " I never saw her leave , " said Carlotta . Gina apparently left without ever cleaning out her desk . It looked exactly as it always did . There was the blotter she wrote notes all over , the tinted plastic cup that held her pens , the stapler with the rainbow handle that she brought in from home . A picture of an unsmiling toddler stood in a small golden frame . Gina 's light blue sweater was still draped over the back of the chair . " Call her and tell her to come get her things , " Margaret said . " I did , but the number we have for her isn 't in service , " said Carlotta . " And we don 't have an e - mail address for her . " Margaret got her bothered look , which was usually followed by some exasperated assault on Carlotta 's competence . Carlotta and Harvey exchanged a mildly shocked glance as Margaret hobbled away . Warren turned but Carlotta called him back . " Nice of you to join us this morning , " she said . " It 's nice to see you too , Carlotta , " Warren said , realizing too late that she was being sarcastic . She rolled her eyes and handed him a book with a dusty green cover . " Margaret wants you to find out who took this out last , " she said . He already knew . It was one of the books he himself had checked out for Emil several weeks ago . " Okay , " he said , " but how come ? " Warren took the book to his counter , wondering if there was something wrong with it . He opened it . What he exposed made him gasp loud enough for Carlotta to glance up at him . The text on both pages on every page had been blacked out with a marker . Letters , words , sentences , paragraphs drawn though , rendered unreadable , gone . Captions , copyrights , footnotes , bibliographies all that was spared were the page numbers , left to absurdly count off the nothingness . Warren could only be hung on it , his mouth agape , his nostrils flared , and his eyes unable to blink . He collected himself until Carlotta lost interest . As soon as he was able to do it casually , he retrieved his backpack from under the counter and checked the books he had just gotten back from Emil . One by one , he discovered that their texts had also been blacked out . The sickening truth began to overtake him . He tried to feign nonchalance as he went to the stacks and checked books from weeks past . All was as he had feared . The revulsion in him grew until he thought he might throw up . He stumbled his way to the bathroom and once inside with the door closed was able to breathe normally again . He had worked at the library long enough to know that harming the books in any way , even scribbling in the margin of just one page , was anathema . Books were sacred objects designed to give people knowledge , enjoyment , meaning . Warren felt as if he had stumbled onto a field of rare songbirds that were only , senselessly dead . Raps at the bathroom door jolted him . It was the only bathroom in the building and was used by both the men and the women . The doorknob was tried . " Warren ? " It was Carlotta . " Are you alright in there ? " " I 'll be right out , " he called . He sat on the closed toilet and tried to steady his breathing . Then he heard Margaret . " Other people have to use the bathroom , too , " she said . He took one final deep breath and opened the door . He immediately wished he had flushed the toilet first , or washed his hands , or sprayed the air freshener . That would have made everything seem normal . He slid past Margaret , who was holding a glossy magazine , without making eye contact . " We thought you might have drowned in there , " Carlotta said . He avoided looking at her , too . He made it through the morning unable to concentrate , sitting at his post with his fingertips motionless on the computer keyboard . At lunchtime , a man in a suit came in . He closed his umbrella and look around at the library before coming up to Warren to say , " Can you tell me where I might find Margaret Prestler ? " " I 'm right here . " Margaret was standing outside her office door . She had her coat on and her purse hanging from her straighter shoulder . Warren heard her tell Carlotta that she would be gone for a couple of hours . Carlotta smiled , apparently without realizing it . A few minutes later , Carlotta was the one to leave . She came up to Warren and said , " Think you can hold down the fort for a little while ? If there 's any problem , Harvey 's in the basement . " So Warren seized the opportunity to get on the computer in Margaret 's office . " You can find out anything about anyone these days online , " he had heard . He wasn 't sure he wanted to know what the internet search might bring up about Emil Drucker , but he wondered why it took him until now to even think of it . It turned there was a fair amount of information on Emil , though much of it was disjointed and fragmentary . He was able to learn Emil was an artist when he was in New York . He was born in Hartford , Connecticut in 1971 , and attended the Rhode Island School of Design on a scholarship . There was a lot on some museum exhibition called " Ten Artists under 30 to Watch , " of which Emil was one . He found an article featuring a picture of a younger Emil with no beard and long hair and smiling like he had never seen Emil smile in Watkins . Standing next to him was a well - dressed woman in her fifties with bright golden hair pulled back tight into a ponytail and an almost garish pink lipstick . She was , according to the caption , " Anita Schenk - Rasmussen , Owner of the Anita Schenk - Rasmussen Gallery in Chelsea . " Emil was an " environmental artist . " It took some googling to find out what was meant by that , and while Warren never came across a plain - speaking definition he did absorb the notion that art could be your surroundings , if arranged just so , and that Emil was at one time considered a master of it . Once , the artist had taken the space of the gallery and made it look like the procedure room at an abortion clinic . Warren saw the pictures and read what people had to say about it . Apparently the duplication was eerily exact down to the stirrups and the boxes of latex gloves ( both regular and powder - free ) to the medical - waste disposal unit affixed to the wall . Emil titled it " Oh No You Don 't , " which to Warren didn 't make much sense . But people who wrote as if they knew what they were talking about praised it . " It even smells like a medical office , " one wrote . Another said , " You feel like you ' reBut the fame was not to last . Suddenly there was a spate of extremely harsh writings . The very people who loved Emil , it seemed , had turned on him . One project in particular was savaged . Warren couldn 't quite get a clear picture of the actual content . The work itself seemed murkier , less defined . It didn 't even have a title . Maybe the best sense of it came from one of the less vicious writers who said Emil had tried to depict a place no one had ever seen before , or a place that only he had seen , or possibly a place only he could see . But many more said Emil had lost his touch . Warren had to look up the word passé , which he realized he knew once he learned how it was pronounced . Maybe the worst review was the one that said , " The show is symbolic of an artist who has run out of ideas . " After that , new mentions of Emil Drucker were hard to come across although he kept looking until Carlotta returned and he had to sign off the computer . At closing time , Warren grabbed his jacket and headed straight for Emil 's . Nothing of what he read excused what Emil had done . Of course he was soaked by the time Emil 's house came into view almost an hour later . The rain had fallen in hard pellets that made his face feel like it was on fire . Along the way he had imagined himself barging in , but for now he only stood in the mud , breathing hard . He didn 't even notice the lights were on or the blinds were open or the reflection off the shiny roof of a second , unfamiliar car parked out front . He crashed up the porch steps and pounded on the door . A shocked - looking Emil pulled back the curtain . He looked as though he couldn 't make out who was out there . He opened the door a crack and said , " Warren ? " " I want them back , Emil . I 'm not going to let you destroy any more books . " " Warren . . . , " Emil said , “ . . . I haven 't destroyed anything " " Just shut up ! I don 't believe anything you say anymore ! " And then , past Emil 's shoulder , Warren spotted the six books on the mantle of the fireplace . They were lined up flush . The first one had a bookmark poking from it . He grabbed it and opened it to where the divide was . Immediately a rush of still - fresh ink enveloped his nose and mouth and made him a little dizzy . The text on the left page was entirely blacked out . The right page had just three lines left on the bottom . He slammed the book shut . He held it up with both hands , just inches from Emil 's head . " What the hell is wrong with you ! ? " But then he detected that familiar chemical odor , only stronger than it had ever been before . Tim was standing on the threshold to the kitchen . The man was large , hulking almost , with broad shoulders and a stomach that strained the buttons of his shirt . He had some gray at his temples and his smooth face showed an easy smile that seemed incongruous with the situation . It was the smile , Warren thought , of a salesman . " Emil , " he said , " Aren 't you going to introduce me to your friend ? " " Hello , Warren , " Tim said . Warren felt small as the big man bounded forward and squeezed his hand . Past him Warren could see into the kitchen . He could see the steaming pot on the stove . He could see the set table , the bottle of wine , the candles flickering . " We 're just sitting down to supper , " Tim said . " Why don 't you join us ? " " No , Tim , " Emil spoke up . " I mean , I don 't think that would be good . " " Nonsense . He 's a guest in our house . " He turned to Warren . " Of course , if there 's any more of that sort of behavior , I 'll break you in two . " He said this with his gentle smile , but there was no mistaking utter seriousness of his tone . Warren found himself unable to respond , unable to keep from being led to the kitchen and a seat at the table . He was still holding the book as almost instantly a plate of food appeared before him , then silverware , a napkin , a glass of red wine . Tim was sitting where Warren always had , in the chair at the head of the table . Emil sat to his left , looking down at his food , arms at his side . Tim said , " I 'm glad Emil has made a friend out here , Warren . " " We 're not friends , " Warren said abruptly . " I thought we were , but we weren 't . " Tim smiled imperturbably . " Are you from Watkins ? " he said . Emil looked up at the air in front of his face , then down again . Warren thought it was the first time he had ever seen Emil for the gaunt shell of a human being that he was . The pathetic sight of him sent a remorseful twinge through Warren , but his own pain was more acute , and with it came the spiraling lucidity he had experienced only once before , when he first learned of Tim 's existence . " We do , " Tim said . " Then you already know I 'm from Watkins . And that I work at the library . And that Emil and me have been to bed together three times . " Emil let out a barely audible sigh . " And I 'm sure he must have told you that he 's been destroying all the books in the library one by one and that I 've been helping him do it because I was too stupid to ever crack open a book . I was too stupid to realize I couldn 't trust him . " " He didn 't use those words , " Tim said , " but he told me about the project . " " The project ? It 's a project ? Is that what he calls it ? " Emil stood up suddenly , his chair knocked on its back . He held the table as if to steady himself , then he slowly turned and walked out of the room . Warren shot to his feet . " Hey ! " he said . " Don 't you walk away from me like that ! Not until you 've answered for what you 've done ! " He was been conscious of how loud his voice was getting . He had heard the scraping of Tim 's chair against the floor . He was aware of being raised from his own chair until he felt his shirt tightening around him . Tim , with one hand , had grabbed his collar and was now dragging him toward the door . " I gave you a chance to be civil in my house , " Tim said , " and you went and blew it . " He opened the door and literally tossed Warren out . Warren stumbled down the porch steps and fell hard on the muddy ground . It all happened so fast that he needed a minute there on the ground to recollect it . He was saved from any injury by that solid physique of his . He picked himself off the ground and brushed off as best he could . As he walked away , he heard shouting from inside the house . Walking home in the rain , he could scarcely manage the forward momentum . A passing driver waved . He didn 't wave back . And later , despite his exhaustion , he laid in his bed awake , listening to the rain as it hit the trailer roof . The alarm clock read 11 : 34 when he heard a car driving into the muddy road that ran through the trailer court in the shape of a horseshoe . The headlights sliced through the cracks in the blinds over the kitchen sink and rode across the trailer wall . It had to be Emil . Warren let him knock on the door to the point where he was rattling it and calling his name . Warren grew concerned that he would wake up the people in the next trailer , so he let him in . Emil looked as though he had been crying . His face was drawn and his eyes were raw . His hair and the shoulders of his coat were dampened by the rain . Emil had never been inside Warren 's trailer never mind the courtyard . Warren always felt a little ashamed of his circumstances . Now , with Emil finally here , nothing about the place seemed to matter at all . " I 'm sorry about Tim , " Emil said . " Are you hurt ? " Warren didn 't answer . " As you saw , he 's my protector . " Warren wondered what it was that Tim was protecting him from - unless it was from people he 'd wronged , people who demanded an explanation for something he 'd done . " I just wanna know why , " Warren said . " Why would you do something like this ? " Warren shook his head at the incomprehensibility of it . He tossed a box of tissues in front of Emil . Emil took half a dozen and pressed his entire face into them . When he pulled them away , Warren was alarmed and a little frightened by the shattered landscape of his face . " I lost myself , Warren , " he went on . " I lost hold of myself . I mean , I was afraid . . . " That you 'd lost your touch ? " said Warren . " My ability to make reality bend , " said Emil . " So this has something to do with what you used to do back in New York . " " Except that this isn 't one of your art exhibitions , " Warren went on . " This isn 't the house of some guy with more money than he knows what to do with . This is a fucking library , Emil . How could you do this ? " " It was you that gave me the idea for this project , Warren , " Emil said . " It was you who told me no one ever read the books . No one ever checks them out , you said . I thought was all coming together , all beautiful and sad and … perfect . " His voice began to shudder again . " But I was wrong . Maybe I worked too slowly . Nobody should ever have found out , not before the project was finished . But somebody opened a book and everything is ruined now . My instincts were wrong . " He leaned forward . His knees buckled and he slid down to the floor . It was not in Warren 's nature to keep from easing a person 's pain if it was within his power to do so . " I found out by accident , Emil , " he said . " I dropped one of the books when I was reshelving it . It just fell open . There 's nothing wrong with your instincts , Emil . They were right . " Of course , he didn 't really know how the book came to Margaret 's attention . Emil wiped his eyes with his hands . A smile trembled on his lips . " Thank you for telling me that . It 's very kind of you . You 're a very kind person , Warren . " Warren shrugged . Emil continued to sniff and shudder , but in a short time he had stopped crying altogether . " So I can finish the project , " he said , his voice low and scratchy . " What ? I didn 't say that . " " No , Warren . Those books are heading for the local landfill , or they 'll be pulped . Either way , no one 's ever going to read them again . " " Yes I do . " Emil came up next to Warren . " I 'm sorry to have to tell you this like this , but the Town Council voted today to close down the library next week . Margaret will probably make the announcement tomorrow . " " You 're a liar . You 'd say anything just to get me to do what you want . " He said this even though he did think it was strange when Margaret left for lunch with that man in the suit and didn 't come back all afternoon . " It was posted on the town 's website earlier this evening , " Emil said . " I 've never been wrong about the library , you know that . But if you don 't believe me , you can look it up yourself . " There was a gall about Emil that could leave Warren feeling choked . " You have a key . I know you do , " Emil said . " So what ? " Emil then outlined a scenario in which Warren allowed him access to the remaining books in the middle of the night . " Starting tonight , " he said . " Right now . Please , Warren . " Emil 's voice cracked when he said Warren 's name , and Warren grew concerned that he might start his sobbing again . " There 's no time to wait . If I start tonight , I can finish the project before the place closes down for good . " Warren had almost been worn down . Admittedly , something about the whole endeavor excited him the two of them together all night like that , and with Tim nowhere in sight . But there was something more that he didn 't understand : " If these books are never gonna be read again , why is to so important that you finish them . I mean , who will ever know ? " " I 'll know . That 's something I have to know if I 'm ever going to move on . If I don 't finish this , I 'll never be able to finish anything again . " Warren sighed . This time he wondered about his own ability to understand what Emil was saying . " You 'll know , too , " added Emil , touching his arm . The Big Sleep In darkness and rain the structures of Watkins scarcely existed under street lamps the reddest shade of yellow . Emil once said that driving through them reminded him of a darkroom where no images were forming . Warren told him to try driving through them in the daytime some time . There was not much talking . Warren was tired , yet he had hardly ever felt more awake . He was also a little nervous . And he kept thinking about the books . Back when he was unaware about what was really going on , he actually took a certain joy in picking them off the shelves , checking them out with his check - out gun , walking them to Emil . He 'd liked the purposefulness of it . And more than that , he got to see and touch all these books that had gone ignored for so very long . Most of them had blank faces of woven cloth of one solid color , red or black or green or blue . Some of them smelled faintly of decay . Sometimes the binding was hanging or had fallen off completely , leaving no indication of what the book was about . And he wondered why he had not been inclined to find out what was on the inside of them . The library stood at the corner of an intersection that helped constitute downtown Watkins . On the opposite corner stood the town 's largest church , denomination Methodist . Farther down the street was the building where the Town Council conducted its business . " You 're passing it , " Warren said . " We 're not going to park right in front of the place , " said Emil . They left the car behind a closed liquor store some three blocks on . Emil opened the trunk and took out a large flashlight and a crumpled brown bag . They walked briskly through the alleys behind the buildings . They saw no one . No car drove by on the main street . Warren had played in these same alleys as a boy , usually by himself . He 'd never seen them at this late an hour . A downpour ensued . Emil swore , saying he should have brought an umbrella . Still , they tried to look as though they weren 't hurrying somewhere . At the door Emil acted as lookout while Warren dug out his key ring . Inside Emil halted at the red alarm box attached to the wall . " Don 't worry , " Warren said . " It doesn 't work . " Warren guided the way , refusing Emil 's flashlight . He didn 't need it . They went straight to the stacks , which consisted of no more than a few dozen upright metal units that were mostly full . Although he had given Emil the impression that he chose the books carefully , he picked any given week 's six based on a random formula involving a book 's catalogue number and its position on the shelf . He had no trouble keeping track of it in his mind . He held the flashlight and watched as Emil set himself up on the floor and went immediately to work . He moved swiftly and precisely and with a focus Warren had rarely seen before . The black marker made a light scraping sound as it flawlessly obliterated everything in its path . The pages turned fast at regular intervals . Emil did not stop to admire his handiwork . Warren left the flashlight with him and headed for Margaret 's computer . He quickly found the web page of the Town Council . Of course everything Emil had said was true . There were even transcripts from meetings that showed how Margaret not only failed to defend the library , but also actively participated in discussions about possible new uses for the building , about which a fast - food franchise had expressed interest . He sat back in Margaret 's chair . The library was the only job he 'd ever known . He didn 't know what he would do now . Most of the kids he went to high school with had either moved away or gone to work at the pasta - making plant up by the highway . For a long time he didn 't move . He may even have dozed a bit . The roof was leaking again and water was dripping into the bucket that had been left in Margaret 's office . But in the stillness he also heard sounds from the building he never noticed during the day , or even at any other time he 'd been in the library by himself . Pipes clanked and whooshed . Snaps and taps and hisses disappeared into the air as soon as he heard them . There was even , he imagined , a scarcely audible voice , but he knew Harvey often forgot to turn off his radio in the basement . He opened his eyes suddenly . He leaned forward and typed Emil 's name into the search engine on the computer screen . Rereading the articles and seeing the pictures again helped him understand what Emil was doing now . Seeing the interest in Emil and his work drop so suddenly helped , too . He moved further towards the present than he could the first time and he did come across one small mention of Emil that was new . He found it in a gossip column at the New York Post website , dated less then three years ago . " The artist Emil Drucker was taken to Bellevue Hospital last night after what police and neighbors called a suicide attempt . According to a neighbor in Drucker 's Upper East Side co - op , Drucker 's companion , Tim Ward , commandeered a taxi on 63rd Street to get Drucker to the hospital . Drucker was reported in critical condition . " Warren read this same paragraph many times over . There seemed to be something new and disturbing in it each time . Finally he had to shut down the computer to get away from it . He couldn 't help but think of his father . As a boy , he was told by his mother that he died of a heart attack . But later his mother confessed that he drank bleach after she told him she was planning to leave him . He returned to Emil in the stacks . He almost looked like a stranger , knowing what Warren knew now . He was sitting on the floor , bent over . The flashlight stood on its end , leaving a misshapen circle of light on the ceiling . A marker had run dry . Emil took a fresh one from the bag and uncapped it . The strong toxic rise reminded Warren of Tim . Emil had gotten through several good - sized books . Warren picked them up to reshelve them . One he opened . The lines were precise and straight yet unmistakably rendered by a human hand of undeniable skill . The lines went only where they were needed , and there was never an extraneous mark on any page . Around 4 : 20 , Emil suddenly shut the book he was working on and sat up straight . Even in the weak light , the dark circles under his eyes were clearly visible . He indicated he was ready to stop for the night . He wanted to get out and be home before the sun rose . That was at 4 : 47 . He had looked it up on the internet . Warren made sure nothing appeared out of place . It was still raining when they left . They dashed through the alley and Emil did not complain about having no umbrella . In the car they shivered a little . On the drive home Warren said , " I 'm sorry about barging in like that at your house last night . " " But it 's alright , " Emil said . The car pulled up outside the trailer court . Emil said , " I 'll pick you up here tonight at 11 : 30 , right ? " He was not late for work that morning . Even though he slept only a couple of hours , he was anxious to get there . Emil had said after all that Margaret would make the announcement today . And indeed , she came out of her office an hour into the workday and made the following speech : " I 'm afraid I have some bad news for you all . The Town Council has voted to close the library . I know this is not exactly a surprise to most of you . This will take effect one week from today . You 'll all be getting severance packages . I wish they could be bigger . " She went back to her office and closed the door . Harvey disappeared into the basement . Carlotta sat at her desk and made a phone call . Warren stood at the checkout counter . He was thinking of Emil , how he was asleep at home , in bed with Tim maybe . Later in the afternoon , just before closing , the sirens went off . Everyone filed to the basement . Harvey was nowhere to be seen until he stumbled from behind the enormous pipes . He appeared surprised , with crumbs of food falling from his moustache . " Sirens ? " he said . There was no speaking . Margaret stood closest to the door , propped against a wall with her arms folded against her chest and her head down . Carlotta brought paperwork down with her to read . Harvey sat at his desk . Warren leaned against one of the shelving units , wondering if Emil was freaking out or just too tired to hear anything . The Short Fiction of Herman Melville Every night of the following week Emil picked up Warren at 11 : 30 and they spent the night in the library . Emil was for the most part not talkative , although when Warren told him about Margaret 's announcement he did say , " I 'm sorry I was right . " Emil worked nonstop through the night . Warren had offered to assist him in some way , but Emil said the work had to be done by him . So Warren passed the hours surfing the web or napping in Margaret 's chair or just listening . He was a little disappointed that his nights with Emil had not been as intimate as he had allowed himself to imagine . Emil was at his most relaxed during the early - morning drives back home , more how Warren remembered him from that night he came to his rescue on the highway . He sat exactly where he was sitting now , on the passenger side of Emil 's car , seatbelt on at Emil 's insistence . Then as now he Emil drove with one hand while the other was always doing something else - fiddling with the radio , adjusting the rearview , putting his hand on Warren 's knee when he had a point to emphasize . Warren saw now that he had loved him from the start . Toward the end of the week , however , Warren began to notice a change in Emil . A heaviness seemed to have descended on him . His hair grew ever oilier and stuck to his forehead and his beard became untended to . He drove with both hands tightly gripping the wheel , as if steeling himself . He spoke only when spoken to , and then in the tersest terms . This went on for a couple of nights until Warren , before getting out in front of the trailer court , " Is there something the matter , Emil ? " Emil looked over at him . He started to say something , but stopped . He looked straight ahead again . " You 've made good progress on the books , " Warren said . " You said a couple nights ago you were closing in on the last of them . " " I 'm not sure . . . " " But tonight is the last night before the library 's last day . I think you should try to finish tonight . " " Maybe you 're right . " He wiped nothing off the dashboard . Warren went on , " That way the collection will be there , finished , before the closing . I don 't know why , but that seems better than finishing it after . " He gave Emil a chance to respond but all he did was squint into the gathering fog . At the same time , Warren could tell he didn 't want to say goodbye just yet . " Do you want to come in ? " Warren said . Emil shook his head no . Warren could see the trouble gathering behind his eyes . Again , he shook his head no . So Warren got out of the car and shut the door behind him . He leaned to the window and said , " See you tonight ? " " That maybe you were right . That maybe this makes no sense . Maybe this means nothing . " The doubt had an almost flattening effect on Emil 's face , and the tears seemed almost pressed from his eyes . " Maybe it 's just wrong . " " Emil , you weren 't wrong , " Warren said . " I was wrong . I was the one who didn 't understand . You were the one who understood it perfectly . " Snot was visible under his nose so Warren leaned through the window and opened the glove compartment where he found some of those small rough coffee napkins . " Don 't let this happen , Emil , " he said . " Don 't let anything ever stop you . " That night , Warren paced the trailer , growing ever more anxious . It was ten minutes after midnight and still Emil had not driven up . Warren longed to call but did not want to talk to Tim . So he decided to go there . He had an umbrella . Emil had left him one earlier in the week and told him to keep it . But though he didn 't get soaked walking through the dark , he did feel a chill afflicting him from the inside . He took to the middle of the road and jogged to Emil 's house . The wet gravel , when he came to it , made no sound under his feet . He stopped where the mud began , breathing hard , the house some thirty feet ahead . He was suddenly reluctant to go any farther - Tim was huge , after all . But he pushed himself through the mud and up the porch steps . Both cars were parked out front . The main door was open and through the screen door he saw Tim standing with his back to him . Suddenly he turned around , spotting Warren at the door . The first thing Warren noticed was his face . There was no trace of a smile on it anywhere . He had let it settle into its unforced state , which just happened to look like exhaustion . He walked up to the screen and said , " You . " " Where 's Emil ? " Warren said . The question erupted involuntarily . He quickly modified the tone . " I mean , he was supposed to meet me earlier . " " He 's in no shape to go anywhere . Look , Warren , I really appreciate everything you 've done , your willingness to help Emil . And I really thought you were helping him . But I think now it would be better for you to leave . " Warren looked past Tim . He didn 't know why he didn 't see it before , but now he did . Cardboard boxes taped up and stacked four and five high . The TV and the recliner gone from the den . " You guys are moving , " he said . " Emil didn 't tell you ? He told me he told you . " Even in the short time Warren had been allowed to speak with Tim , he could see the man was plainly , hopelessly in love with Emil Drucker . But Emil had descended the stairway just then , wrapped in a bathrobe and barefoot . His face had the most harrowing , hollowed - out appearance and he moved with seeming difficulty . It took a moment for Warren to be sure it was even him . He froze on the stairway when he saw Warren at the door . Then he broke into a wail and began to swoon on the steps . " What have I done ! ? " he screamed . " What have I done ? " Tim ran over to catch him . Emil collapsed into his embrace , sobbing and writhing , and then fought against it , all the while asking what he had done . Tim struggled to keep hold of his lover . He looked back at Warren and said , " Get out of here ! Get out of here now ! " Warren stumbled back , down the porch steps , into the rain . He had dropped the umbrella on the porch at the sight of Emil , so of course he was soaked when he arrived at the library . He was intent on finishing Emil 's project . The first thing he did was head for the basement . He was a little surprised to find not only Harvey 's radio left on , but the light down there as well . He rifled through Harvey 's desk until he found a black marker , then bolted up the steps . Of course he knew exactly where Emil had left off . He grabbed the next book in sequence . He took a deep breath and sat on the floor , suddenly feeling he was about to take on was something very solemn . He thought he had a sense of what it meant or at least used to mean to Emil . He uncapped the marker . He breathed only through his mouth so he wouldn 't smell the ink . He trembled a little when he opened the book . But every page had already been crossed out . How could he have miscalculated like that ? He was so sure he had the order of the books so clear in his mind . He shelved that book and took the next . That was all crossed out , too , as was the next one , and the one after that . All of the books , he quickly came to find out , were finished . He stumbled from the stacks wildly alert . He looked up , toward Gina Bright 's desk , when he thought he saw some movement in the darkness . He stepped closer . The desk was still appointed with Gina 's things , as it had been all week , when much larger problems made everyone forget about it . However , there was a notable difference now : Gina was sitting at it . " Hi Warren , " she said . She was wearing a pair of oversized men 's pajamas . Her hair was short and flat against her head . She appeared older than Warren recalled . " What are you doing here , Gina ? " he said . " I 've been living here Warren . In the basement . " " He insisted . When my husband left , he left me with nothing . He even took our daughter . I couldn 't keep up the payments on the house by myself . Everything sort of fell apart at once , I guess . Harvey said why don 't I just stay here until I get back on my feet . " " It 's okay , Warren . I know what you and your friend have been doing and it 's okay . I think , actually , it 's more than okay . " Warren fell back a little , stunned that someone else knew what only he and Emil had known , what they had done together . " When you and your friend didn 't show up tonight , I knew something had happened . And I knew how important it was that the project be finished . At first , the lines I made were too uncertain . I kept having to go back and touch up where parts of letters were still showing . But after awhile I developed a rhythm . It was good to be able to make myself useful . Anyway , I hope it helps your friend to know that the project was finished before the library closed for good . " " No , it isn 't . She doesn 't want me there . She told me not to come . And I wouldn 't if there was someplace else . " So Warren then thought that he had been let in on a secret shared only by Gina and Harvey . He would not have thought much more about until recently . But now his mind pushed on to the most logical conclusion . " Are you and Harvey ? " " I mean , we 've never actually done anything . I mean , we 're friends is all . " She plucked some tissues from the drawer where she always kept them . " What are you going to do , Warren ? " " I don 't know . " Later , in the trailer , all those deferred hours of sleep had finally caught up with him . He was so thoroughly exhausted that he slept for hours on end without moving a muscle . Even the lightning that lit up the trailer and the winds that swayed it failed to wake him . When he did awake , he had no idea of the time . His neck ached when he lifted it to see the clock radio . It read " 8888 , " which meant the power had gone out and come back on . The light from behind the window blinds said daytime , but a part of the day when Warren was not usually home . After a long stop at the toilet it was as if his body had been waiting for days to rid itself of the water he realized he was hungry . He checked the food in the small cube of a refrigerator on the floor by the sink . The milk smelled . He flipped on the TV . The first thing he learned was that a U . S . Marine had won the showcase spin - off on The Price Is Right . That meant he should have been at the library . A prickly revulsion moved over him . He had never been so late to work without calling in , and he felt obligated even on this , the library 's last day . He grabbed the phone and dialed , not knowing what he 'd say . It took him a minute to realize there was no dial tone . The weatherman was dressed in his usual suit coat and sounded a little bored . Four dead in Ohio as a result of twisters . Tornadoes also reported in Iowa , Illinois and Indiana Warren dressed and hurried to get to the library . He was stopped in his tracks when he got there . Two Watkins Police cruisers were parked outside . The entire building was ringed by yellow police tape . He ran up to where he saw Margaret , Carlotta and Harvey standing . Of the three , Carlotta was capable of telling the story . The body of an unidentified woman had been found in the basement that morning by Harvey . The police said it was a suicide . " Unidentified ? " Warren said . " They don 't know who she is ? " " She blew her head off with a 45 magnum , " said Carlotta . " There 's nothing left but teeth . Pretty gruesome . Harvey 's really upset . " Warren turned to Harvey . He standing off at some distance , leaning against one of the police cars . As Warren came closer he could see that he was crying . His eyes were bloodshot and his fat face a dangerous - looking red . He was trembling . Warren said nothing . He just patted him on the back and sucked in his lips when Harvey looked at him . Warren waited around a little longer . At some point he noticed Margaret had disappeared , and that he 'd probably seen the last of her . Then there was nothing for him to do but leave . The library 's last day had come to an unexpectedly early end . Instead of going home , he went to Emil 's house . He wanted Emil to know the project had been finished . He was hopeful that Emil would be helped by knowing it . He decided he wouldn 't tell him about Gina , at least not yet . But when he got there , both cars were gone and the doors were locked . The view from the windows showed the house to be empty - no furniture , nothing on the walls . Emil was gone . The fast - food franchise that had planned to take over the library pulled out when the building was discovered to be structurally unsound . Rain had collected on the flat roof and a portion of it even fell in . The town lacked the funds to develop the site by itself and so the library remained , condemned and shuttered , the books still inside . Within the week , Warren found work at the pasta plant . More Projects
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A long time ago there were two little girls who lived in a little old farm house , down a winding road , over by a pond , in New England . It was beautiful there , and such fun they had in that litttle old farm house . They had a bedroom upstairs , and from that bedroom you could go up into the attic . The attic was dark and dusty , and cobwebby , but oh , so fun . Every day the girls had to go take a nap . Mother didn 't say they had to sleep , they just had to go up and rest and be quiet . Sometimes the girls would go up into the attic and play during nap time . One late fall day when they were playing in the attic , the girls found a big bag that they hadn 't seen before . Making sure that no one was coming up and seeing them , they peeked in the bag . OH ! Such a delightful sight ! There were two identical boxes . Each box held a doll . A most beautiful , amazing , perfect brand new doll . A majorette doll ! Every little girl wanted a majorette doll that year . It was the thing to have . They had been hinting to mother that all their friends had majorette dolls , and really , mother ! They needed one , too . Obviously mother had found them somewhere and was stashing them up here for Christmas ! Christmas was so far away , How could they ever wait that long ? They gazed at the dolls . the miniture batons , the boots , the socks , the blue skirts ! The white blouses , the red jackets , the jaunty hats ! Oh ! It was almost as good as being a majorette yourself ! Of course , the were only looking at them through plastic . They couldn 't really touch them . They would have to stay an unplayed with secret for two whole months . Faithfully every couple days at nap time , they went up to the attic and took out the boxes and dreamed of the day when they could really play with them . Finally Chriastmas was coming . The little farm house was bustling with fun and secrets and baking . It was full of company and presents and gusts of cold air everytime the door opened , Mother had warned everyone that they could not , under any circumstances go up in the attic , as she had all the presents up there . The girls really did not dare to go up and check on the dolls . Christmas morning came at last ! The Christmas tree glowed in the front room . The star on top seemed to twinkle in the dimness of that early December morning . Presents were piled beneath the tree . The girls tip toed around , whispering , anxious for everyone else to get up . Then the fun began , with father handing out presents , children shouting with joy , paper being ripped and crinkled . The girls took each present with baited breath . There were warm mittens , there was canOf course Christmas Day is busy . There was Church to go to , and Grandparents and cousins to visit , and carols to sing , and there was no nap time , and bed time was even late . The girls fell exhausted into bed and fall asleep instantly . The next day it was snowing and every one went sliding and played outside . The new mittens were cozy and the candy was nibbled away . When mother sent them up to take their nap time , the girls didn 't argue , as usual , and beg to stay up and play . They scrambled upstairs and sat on the bed waiting for every thing to quiet down . Then they made the quick dash up to the attic . They stood there for a moment , breathless , half scared . . . yes ! The bag was still there ! They grabbed it and looked at each other . " Mother forgot about them ! " they said together . Now what was to be done ? They couldn 't ask mother about them . She would be angry at them for being up in the attic and digging in things that were none of their business . Things they weren 't supposed to know about . No , they best not mention it . They took the dolls down to the bedroom . Oh , they were still just as wonderful ! They took them out of the boxes , and they played . Oh , how they played ! When nap time was over , they carefully put the dolls back in the bag in the attic and went down stairs . Now every day they waited for nap time , dashing up to their room quickly when mother said . If she ever wondered why the sudden aquiesence to nap time , she never questioned them . Every day they had that glorious hour with the dolls . The chenille bedspread was the perfect marching field for majorettes , the hollows perfect parade routes . The majorettes practiced and marched and twirled batons for that glorious hour every day , then hidden lovingly back in their attic hideaway . When summer came , they didn 't play with them as much , because they didn 't always have to nap . Sometimes they played out side all day and didn 't play with them for days at a time . Then something exciting happened ! They had out grown the little farm house . Father had sold it , and they were moving to a new big house up the road ! It was crazy and exciting to move to a new house , a new bedroom , a new neighborhood . It wasn 't until they had been settled in the new house for a few weeks , that the girls remembered the dolls . At the same moment they both sat up in bed in the new room and said , " the majorette dolls ! They got left in the attic ! " It was very sad . There was no way they could get the dolls back . It was as if a part of their lives had gotten left in the little farm house . The new people in the farm house had girls , too . They went to school together . They always wanted to ask them about the dolls , but they felt shy about it . Finally after many months went by , they asked about them . " Oh , yes , " the new girls said . " They were there in the attic . We played with them , but now they are wrecked , and we threw them out . " They wanted to cry , but they wouldn 't , not in front of those awful girls who had cared so little for the forgotten dolls that they had ruined them and threw them away ! They could never be friends with those girls anymore ! How the years have flown by ! The little girls are grandmothers now . They never told their mother about the dolls in the attic . But I heard the story , and we laughed and cried over those lost times . Christmas forever young in memory , dolls still beautiful , marching in their shiny boots and twirling their batons . Can 't you hear it ? The whisper of the new england wind when the door opens ? The smell of Christmas baking ? The soft echo of Christmas carolsPosted by Some times November is still pretty green . Sometimes not ! This year , it has still been nice , so far . This is the scene we see at the end of the road that goes to our wood lot . A beautiful old farm hunkered down at the bottom of Kidder Mountain . Yup , New Ipswich is rural . The Raggedy Garden has been put to bed from several heavy frosts . Frost is beautiful . A frosty Raggedy Garden is beautiful . Before the sun comes up , all white and clean , , every last left over leaf , every blade of grass , the swing , the fence , the leafless pear tree , all are coated with crystals . When the sun comes climbing up over the hill , over the tops of the pine trees , every thing turns to diamonds , then as the air warms , they glimmer with prisms and then turn back to their sere , brown selves . So , there is magic in the garden , after all . I know it in the spring , when it suddenly begins coming to life , I know it in the summer , all richly colored and frilly , I know it in the fall , ablaze in glory and frost , and I will know it in the winter , when its covered in ice and snow . We did have our first dusting of snow . It didn 't amount to much , nor last very long . I love snow shadows . They are so blue , and exagerated . Foot prints look bigger , and old rusty buckets take on a shabby chic of their own . The nights come so early , now , and the warmth of the day disappears with the sun . The wood box needs filling every day . The kitchen range hums along , radiating warmth , fragrance and cheery crackling as it eats up copious amounts of birch , ash , oak and maple . At night , when the lights are out , it gives off the softest glow , that comes from within , and keeps the kitchen cozy . Its big black surface has a hundred uses . Keeping food and coffee hot , making the tea kettle whistle , cooking meals , drying mittens and gloves . Its great for huddling around , too , when you come in from the cold . It worries not about power , or electric bills , or oil tanks . It is my friend of November days ! The November sunset hangs fierce and intense in the western sky . It gradually fades to grey , then inky black . November nights are black velvet nights , star filled nights , meteor shower nights . November has the trappers moon . Trappers , like hunters , get their own moon . How lucky is that ? No month has a mothers moon , or even a thanksgiving moon , do they ? I don 't mind , though . I know trappers and hunters need a moon , a frozen marsh , strong legs and a brave heart . I am partial to November nights . Thanksgiving Day is coming soon . Thanksgiving at the Raggedy Garden is loud and boisterous , with lots of children , lots of food , lots to be thankful for . I am thankful for Thanksgiving , for all its legends and stories , for all the Thanksgivings that I remember , for all the Thanksgivings yet to come . I don 't know if you 've ever read Robert Ruarks " The Old Man And The Boy " , but according to the old man , " he would pick November as the best month , because it wasn 't too hot and it wasn 't too cold , and you could do practically anything in it better than any other time of the year , except maybe get sunburned , or fall in love . Although he added that " there ain 't nothing wrong with falling in love in November if the moon is right . " Then he asked the boy if he could see what he was driving at , and the boy answered , " yesssir " because he didn 't want him to start explaining it all over again . So we 'll leave it at that . I do beleive the moon is right . . . It began as Armistice Day , to remember the veterans of World War 1 , the great war , the war to end all wars . Armistice was signed in a rail car on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the year 1918 . But after all , it wasn 't the war to end all wars , and after world war 11 it was changed to Veterans Day , to remember all veterans from all wars . I remember they always sold , or gave away , crepe paper poppies , beautiful red ones , for veterans day . This of course , because of the poem by Captain John McCrae who wrote " In Flanders Fields " . Flanders fields encompased a huge area where many battles were fought , and many thousands of soldiers died . Legend has it that all the soldiers feet churning up the muddy soil here , aerated the ground and in spring thousands of brilliant red poppies sprang up , blooming and beautiful . In Flanders fields the poppies blow Captain McCrae , by the way , did not live to see his poem published , but also died during the war . The paper poppies were to symbolize this great sacrifice , red for blood , the black heart of the poppy for grief , and the green stem for hope . There is a Somero buried in Flanders fields . Some where there is a photograph of it . I have seen it . All those white crosses , row on row , and one says Somero . I once recieved a gift of a poppy . A gift of more than a poppy . Let me tell you a story . . . . When the cold November rain pelts on the car window , and the pavement and the buildings shine wetly in the city lights , I can close my eyes and remember . Its funny how out of so insignificant a thing can come so vividly a memory of a long lost thing . The years and the miles stretch by so quickly , you don 't stop to remember . Rainswept fall evenings bring a glimpse , a half forgotten scene , and then faster and faster they crowd upwards , full blown . I was only a girl , playing at being grown up . Newly married , my world colored with love and happiness . I can smile , now , at how little I knew then of life . Sometimes glancing at the man beside me , I can feel that after so many years , he can feel what I am thinking . We went to Portland alot in those days . We had spent our honeymoon high up in the Portland Hilton . We often went on Fridays nights to pick up my sister who worked right down town . This was the kind of night it had been . A damp , chilly , rainy Pacific Northwest fall evening . Dark came early . We had crossed the Columbia on slick , wet pavement . We would park the car and sit and wait for Mary to get out of work , the radio softly playing love songs , watching the people go by . A man had a little three sided shelter where he sold newspaperson the corner . I don 't remember how we figured out that he was blind , but we were fascinated with the way he handled the steady stream of customers that bought his papers . How he took money and made change . My father in law was blind , so we felt a kindred spirit with him . We would buy a paper from him and talk with him for a bit . His name was Bob . He wasn 't exactly unfriendly . You couldn 't say he was angry or sad , really . It was just as if he was unhappy , and he wanted to stay that way . Well , it didn 't seem very pleasant , out there in all kinds of weather in his yellow slicker and his worn out shoes . It was Bob , who had a box of blood red paper poppies near his change box . I still remember how he handed one to me , how I took it , how cold my hands were as I twisted the stem around my We were holding hands . I felt Boones grip tighten . I looked up at him . His eyes were filled with tears . We turned around and left . Did Bob have anyone to love him and care for him ? Yet somehow , I felt as though he did not wnat his life any other way . You know what gift Bob gave me , besides that blood red poppy to remember veterans ? He gifted me with a glimmer of understanding about Boones tender heart , that he has tried so hard to hide . He gave me the gift of knowing , that if you are brave enough to get close to blind , wet , ragged , uncouth people , you find out that they have touched your heart . They have made you more compassionate and understanding . They have showed you the gift of finding beauty in the ugly . They have given you blood red courage . The petals of which surround the blackness of grief and despair and make it beautiful . They give you green hope for a better tommorow . Perhaps a tomorrow that has no wars , no blindness , no cold rain . Life isn 't all warm and loving . Alot of it is dull and sordid . If I tell you this story , will it enrich you , will you understand ? I wish you a veteran for a friend , a poppy , and a blind Bob . . . . The afternoon sun was warm here . It mellowed the old logs of the porch , making them look smooth and golden . A few geraniums still bloomed bravely on the rail . Red against their bright green leaves . Linnea sat in the old rocking chair . Its familiar dull squeak - squeak rested easy in her ears , a kind of soft musical accompaniment to this September afternoon . The faded crazy quilt lay across her knees . She knew every scrap of it . In her mind she strung them on , like beads in a necklace . Grandmothers wimter coat , plain brown plaid , the red dress they had gotten for christmas one year , the yellow apron . . . She remembered stitching the quilt and tying it . Could it really be so long ago ? Where do years go , when they are done ? She thought they stayed , like this , a crazy quilt of memories in your mind . Sometimes , on a quiet afternoon , you could sit there and and run your fingers over the years , too , stringing them like beads on a necklace . An old cemetery sloped down the hillside across the road . Orderly rows of saints and sinners washed white and clean by the rain and the wind and the sun . In all her eighty years , Linnea had never once seen a burial there , nor even a mourner . Thats how old it was , how long it had been here . Before her grandfather had built this cabin . She had lived here all her life . She had played among the stones . When she had learned to read , she had spent days there , tracing the letters and reading the quaint old names and sweet little verses . She remembered that she and Liisi never thought it was a sad place . It was just a peaceful part of their very small world . Liisi was her older sister . One year older . This cabin in the North Carolina mountains was their very life . It was here they were born , here they were raised . It was here that her heart was . She had never desired to go any further . Liisi was the one with the feet that couldn 't stay still , the one whose heart flew over the hills looking for something else . Now they were old . Liisi had gone , up over the mountains with the traveling man . Oh , Linnea remembered still how Liisi had looked that day ! So glowing and beautiful and and full of life . She wore her blue wedding dress and store bought shoes , some of grandmothers red geraniums in her hair . Linnea could still feel the great wrench in her heart as she watched her and her man walking off down the road to town where they would get on the train and go to the city . So far away it had seemed , as if she had flown to the moon . Linnea laughed to herself , now . Now people really did fly , any where they wished , some of them had really flown to the moon ! She searched for the scrap of blue in the quilt . There it was , still a piece of that wedding dress , here with her in the mountains . Liisi had never come back . Still she lived there in the city . Every week she had written to Liisi and every week , she had gotten a letter , too . She felt she knew intimately all the places that Liisi had been , all the things she had seen , and done . This is what she , Linnea had done every Wednesday since Liisi had left . Sat here on this porch , in this rocking chair and and read her letter . She opened todays letter carefully , unfolding it and pushing her glases up on her nose . Liisis perfect , neat handwritting was now faint and scratchy , as though written by a trembling hand . Linnea knew that hers was , too . She thought about that . She remembered how grandmother had made them walk that mile to school in every kind of weather and how proud she had been for them to know reading and writing . Grandmother had never known herself , but through them , she had felt herself an educated woman . She remembered the teacher holding her hand over hers and guiding the pencil . She remembered how they had practiced and practiced until they could do the magic of making such lovely smooth curving letters that turned into words . She remembered the green checked gingham dresses that Grandmother had made for them to wear to school , one for each . How they took such care with them , carefully taking them off as soon as they came home and hanging them on the nail . There was alot of those green gingham pieces in the quilt . Now their letters weren 't so interesting any more . Liisis man had been gone for many years . Her only son lived near her , but he didn 't have any children . There wasn 't much to write about . Both of them had legs that didn 't work so well anymore . Linnea remembered how they used to run and walk and climb , here on this farm of Grandfathers . This hilly steep , barely making it farm in the mountains . Here the winters were cold and snowy . The wild winds skirled and moaned around the upstairs loft where they slept and the snow blew in between the logs and rattled the window . Here spring came late , but it came in all its green glory , and the snow melted and the ice chunks chased each other down stream . The leaves furled out and the fruit trees blosssomed and the plowing and planting began . Summers were warm and and chancy , for a mountain farmer . This Linnea knew , for after Grandfather had died , she had been the one who kept the farm going . Fall here was the beautiful , mellow time , when the work was winding down . When the mountains were painted with brilliance , when the air hung smokey and blue . All of Grandfathers years , he had worked hard here , first of all thinking he would be leaving something for his son . But Linneas father had died before she was old enough to remember him , and her mother soon afterward . Still Grandfather had plowed his meager fields and worked the soil to make it more fruitful . Still he had raised his cows and pigs and chickens . Still he had planted his apple trees and cherry trees . Still he had made his barn weather proof and strong , to last the years . She had watched him growing old there on that farm , and wondered . What would happen then ? Who would be wise enough , who would love this little hilly farm as much as he did , who would carry on the work , then ? Not once had she thought , " it will be me . I , Linnea will love this land , and keep it . " Now she let her fingers smooth the quilt . With out looking , she could find those squares of faded denim . Grandfathers shirts . The ones he wore until the elbows wore out , and Grandmother would patch them . The ones with the frayed collars and cuffs . After they were too worn , Grandmother would carefully cut off the butttons and put them in her button box , and cut the better pieces into quilting squares . One afternoon , an afternon much like this one , she had walked with Grandfather across the road . It was only a gravel road then . They had climbed the hill , up to the top of the old cemetery . There Grandfather had put his frail , work worn hand on her shoulder . It had surprised her . grandfather was not one to show affection . Neither was he garrulous , but said only the words that needed to be spoken . He had stood there with his hand on her shoulder , looking off into the distance . His eyes where a faded blue and she could see the colorful mountains reflected in them . He seemed remote and far away . " Grandfather ? " she asked softly . Slowly he turned to look down at her . " This , " he said with a sweep of his hand , " all this is all that I give you . Not just this hard scrabble farm , Linnea . Always remember this . Look around you . " He slowly turned her around Tears had burned in her eyes . She knew what he was saying . She was honored that he had such faith in her , that he would entrust a lifetime of toil into her hands . She had looked at her hands , up there on that September hill . They were small . They were untested . One day would they look like Grandfathers hands ? His hands were sinewy and brown , they sprouted grey hairs and dark age spots . His fingernails were bent and yellowed . Did she want hands like that ? Ah , youth cannot see themselves bent with age ! Linnea looked down at her hands now . They were tracing a small yellow quilt piece , a piece of the dress she had worn that day . Yes , her hands did resemble Grandfathers hands . They were still small , of course , but they were sinewy and brown . They , too , had dark age spots and her fingernails were bent and yellowed . They are worthy , she thought , they are worthy of Grandfathers faith in me . I worked hard , and I still have this home that he built so long ago , and I can still see these mountains , all decked out in fall colors , I can still feel the wind and see the trees . I can hear the brook babbling and the sky above me is still smokey blue . She put Liisis letter down , and just like she always did , she took out a pen and a paper from her pocket and wrote her return letter . You have to do it right then , or else it might get delayed or forgotten . her hand trembled so slightly , making the beautiful cursive writing jiggly and crooked . She saw that , but she smiled . " I did it . Liisi , " she wrote . " I did what Grandfather asked of me all those years ago . It came to me today , while I sat here enjoying your letter . We are old , and the years have flown by , and I did it ! This farm on the hillside still keeps . " Linnea got up , taking her cane , and went down the porch steps . Yes , grandfather would be surprised to see all this . The privy was never used anymore . There was plumbing in the house , running water , a bathroom , hot water whenever you wanted it , electricity . . . things Grandfather would never have dreamed of . They made life much nicLinnea made her way slowly back to the orchard . The trees were old and gnarly . A few apples still hung high up in the trees waiting for a brisk wind . The bees bumbled about groggily in the september warmth , gathering in swarms on fallen apples . She could hear their drowsy hum . She leaned against a rough trunk . How many happy hours had been spent in this orchard . As far back as she could remember she had loved this place . Nothing was ever so beautiful as the orchard in the spring . All the blossoms of white and pink , falling in drifts . How they had played of princesses and queens . Shady hiding spots in summer , she would climb to a comfy crotch to sit and read a favorite book . Suddenly she laughed aloud , remembering . That was a spring morning . The first of May . They were about twelve and thirteen , her and Liisi . Long ago Grandmother had told them about it . The first day of May . You open your window and lean out , and say , " If you hear a robin sing , you will marry in the spring , if you hear a coffin fall , you will never wed at all . " They had done it faithfully for years . Now Liisi was quite anxious that she would have a boy friend that would marry her and take her out of the mountains . She already had her heart set on the young man who came over the mountain every spring selling seed and farm equipment . Linnea was horrified and not wanting to think about Liisi ever going away . What would life be with out her ? Linnea had it all planned out . Early on that May first morning she snuck out of bed and raced out . It was absolutely clear , blue , the sun just beginning to come over the tree tops . The grass was dewey . She ran out to the woodshed . Catching her breath she waited , peeking from behind the door frame . She had a good view of the loft window . Sure enough , there was Liisi , pushing the window open . She leaned on the sill , looking about her . Her hair was tousled and golden , her arms shapely and her neck smooth , rising from her white night gown . Her clear voice carried through the morning air . " If you hear a robin sing " . . . . Linnea was ready . As soon as the ditty was finished , she hurled down her piece of cord wood . It made a true THUNK of wood landing on hard clay . It made her shiver , because it really did sound like a coffin hitting the bottom of the grave . There was a terrified shriek from the house and another THUNK ! The window slammed shut . Linnea didn 't know what to do . She glanced around wildly , then took off at a dead run for the house . She slammed through the door and climbed to the loft in record speed . Granmother had beaten her up there . Lisssi lay on the floor in a dead faint . Grandmother was splashing water on her face from the wash basin . " What is going on , Linnea ? " Grandmother was fuming . Liisis eyes fluttered open . She groaned . Big ears were rolling down her face . Suddenly Linnea had a desparate urge to burst out laughing . She did . " I 'm sorry , Liisi , really I am , " she gasped between laughs . " If only you could have heard yourself ! " Grandmother gave them both a good shaking and went back down the ladder . They had looked at eachother and sat down on the bed and laughed themselves silly . Oh ! That had been a morning they would never forget . Many times afterward , she had wondered . How could they have been so ignorant as to really think that a robin singing or a coffin falling would have anything to do with their fates ? After all , robins sang every day in the spring , and coffins were lowered all the time . Liisi dLinnea made her way back to the barn . It seemed strange to see it so empty and echoing . She thought of days past . She had spent so much time in here . Milking cows , forking down hay , finding eggs , feeding the grunting pigs . The hay mow should be full now , all ready for winter . Stuffed to the rafters , amok with kittens . There was still a trace . A trace of the oiled leather , a trace of manure , a trace of hay sifting down with the sun beams . She saw her son , a little lad with hair like a crows wing and eyes of swedish blue . Eyes like her Grandfather that looked at faraway places . He had loved it here too , but she had persuaded him to go to school and find a career . Already then she had known that this was coming to an end . And of course , she saw Normie there , just like the first time . She had been needing help , after Grandfather had died . There was some things she just couldn 't do . She needed someone she could depend on . It was June and the barn was shadowy and cool . She was cleaning the cows stall . A shadow paused at the door and she glanced up . He was standing there in the sunshine . He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen , not that she had seen many . He was tall and lithe . His hair hung low over his collar , shiny and raven black . Only a Cherokee could have that hair . It was straight and glossy , teased by the June breeze . He definitely should have had a feather in it . His eyes also were bright and black , his nose perfectly shaped . His shirt was open at the neck , his skin smooth and amber , like coffee with a little cream . She straightened up and wiped her hands off on her apron . He held out his hand . " Normie , " he said , " I hear your looking for help . " " I am , indeed , " she had answered . They had arranged it all . He would get room and board and half of whatever profits they might get . He would sleep in the barn and come in for meals . He was soft spoken , kind to the animals , knew how to do things and he worked hard . Often they worked together , and they sat at table twice a day . He never said much about himself , and she wondered sometimes , if he was hiding something . She was anamored of him , no matter how she tried to talk herself out of it . They liked and respected each other . She was older than him , and not getting any younger . Sometimes in the evening they sat together on the porch and she read him books until it got too dark . Harvest was done , winter was on its way , she didn 't want him to leave , because she liked having him around . She didn 't have alot for him to do in the winter , but she would need him again in the spring . It was Liisi who had suggested it . " Ask him to marry you , " she had written . " That will solve it . " So she had . " Linnea , I am not the marrying kind , and I 'm definitely not your kind . I can 't even read or write . All my life has been spent on the road , criss crossing the country . Staying a few months here or there . I don 't want to stay here forever . " Linnea took a deep breath . She thought it would be worth it even if he did only stay a while . It was a risk she would take . So they had gone into town and got married . It was a lovely , long winter they spent . Two years slipped by . One November day , Normie slung his bag over his shoulder and stood on the porch . He kissed her gently . " Thank you , Linnea , I 've had a wonderful time . But now its time for me to go . Don 't cry . I 'll always remember you . " And he had walked off down the road . That open road that was his real home , that had been callling to him for awhile now . Linnea knew that . He never turned back , just swung off , whistling into the wind . She never saw him again . It was in December , though that she knew she was pregnant . Linnea walked back to her rocker on the porch . Old memories always came back to that . That gripping fear and joy that had filled her heart at that moment . Oh , those months that followed , hollow and lonely and cold and afraid . If it hadn 't beeen for Liisis Wednesday letters , she didn 't know how she would have made it . Linnea smoothed the quilt over her knees . Here was no record of Normie or his child . The quilt was made before they had come into her life . She had named him Lars , after her Grandfather , and they had had a good life here in the mountains . Now she didn 't see him that much , he lived away , but their love was the tie that binds . She had thought that the years would fade that picture of Normie , standing at the barn door , but it was still as vivid as ever . The old quilt had faded much more than that . When Lars was older , she had taken him up the hill and they had sat among the gravestones , shimmering white in the sunshine . Peaceful and quiet as always , they drank coffee and talked of cabbages and kings . She saw his eyes , those same faraway blue eyes of Grandfather , looking at visions that she could not see . She knew they were looking at two different things . He was seeing a future and she could only see the past . Linnea showed him his heritage that day , all that could be his , but now it could not be had with what she and Grandfather had done . If he wanted to keep it he would have to work hard some other way . Lars smiled at her that day . He had his fathers smile . It could charm you . He told her all his plans and dreams . How he would work hard to keep this place in the mountains , and she had to be the one to have faith now , to believe in this child of her love for a man . The afternoon was waning . Linnea finished her letter . " I will come and see you , Liisi , " she wrote . " The next time Lars comes home , he will take me over the mountains . We will see each other one more time , before we leave our earthly homes . And then when we meet again , we will have crossed all the mountains and waded through the Jordan over on the other side . " Linnea folded up the quilt to go inside , she folded it slowly , seeing each peice not as a quilt square but as a person , a day , a year , a crazy quilt of Grandfather Lars , Grandmother , her mothers wedding dress , her fathers coat , dresses from when her and Liisi were babies , curtains that had hung in the kitchen window , blankets from long ago beds . She had never made a quilt after this one . She had been too busy working the farm , keeping the faith . She wondered , should she regret it ? But she thought , no . There is a box in my closet with all Liisis letters , and a box in her closet with all of mine . One day they can read them , and know what life was like . They will become familiar with all that we know . They will have a crazy quilt of letters . They will know that though we are far apart , we were always together in our hearts . This story is for Margaret and Jessie . They knew about God and love and the North Carolina mountains . They knew about sisters . They have crossed all the mountains and waded over Jordan . Thank you , Margaret and Jessie . I love books and babies , the night sky and early mornings , laundry on the line and fresh baked bread , the song of the ocean and the silence of holy , hot coffee and a sauna by the lake , thin , fine china and cast iron skillets , old things and old memories . I believe in the Bible and the hope of eternal life . View my complete profile
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I dressed , grabbed a jacket and we jogged over to the gulf side on the island . The rain had stopped but there were still a lot of low hanging clouds overhead . I wasn 't sure that we would see much of a sunrise , but we sat on a relatively dry patch of sand above the water and waited . It was still twilight but there was a lighter area of pale blue near the horizon which began to grow pink in the distance . As the sky lightened the thin horizon turned to dull orange . The area under the clouds was open near the horizon and started to turn a brighter red at the point where the sun would soon appear . In a moment the bright white orange edge of the morning sun peeked up under the layer of clouds , illuminating the sky with streaks of red that touched the clouds and turned the sky into a rippling ceiling of color . We could see the disk rise and then tuck behind the clouds , the sun passing through the thin layer of open sky at the far horizon like a ball of white light until the sky grew much lighter before the rising sun passed behind the clouds and made a long shimmering path of reflected light extending to the water just beneath us . It was a very different sunrise than we had seen the previous morning , but very beautiful . Breakfast was waiting and Marco enjoyed the waffle machine again , making himself two nice waffles which he slathered with butter and covered with sliced peaches from one of the containers . I declined a waffle , had cold cereal and made myself some wheat toast . Having satisfied our hunger we returned to our room . After we packed our bags and filled our cooler with ice . It was a little after 8 : 00 and time to retrieve our fish from the day before . We slipped out of the hotel and loaded the car for the drive to San Antonio . As we pulled up to Bobby 's boat slip he was sitting in his folding chair wearing a yellow rain slicker . " No sir , " Marco replied . " Those fish we ate last night were too good to abandon the rest . We want to take them home with us . " " Bobby smiled at him . " I enjoyed it too . You boys was fun . I hope you 'll come back and see me . Next time we 'll find you some really big ones . " We promised to return and assured him that we would look him up . After a few minutes of conversation , mostly from Bobby , we got in the car and started our trip back north . I drove as far as Harlingen , turned north on Interstate 77 then let Marco drive again . He took the wheel with a big grin . " You know , that 's a good idea about saving up for a car . Mom had an old Chevrolet that I drove around but I never had a car of my own . I like your Camry , maybe I can find something like this for myself . A used one but maybe something decent . " Marco was chattering along , obviously in a good mood . " I bet you can . This one was a couple of years old when I got it . The important thing is to find one that has been well maintained , maybe a Toyota , Nissan , or Honda , they are pretty reliable . " We talked about cars , about fishing , and about the sunrises . We had enjoyed our brief stay in South Padre . I got on my cell phone , used Google to find some numbers and made reservations for a room and for dinner on one of the boats that plied the river . Marco was only half listening and I hoped the accommodations would be something of a surprise for him . We stopped once for gas and a soda and drove into San Antonio just after noon . " Your wish is my command . It 's not all that far , just north of downtown on Broadway in Breckinridge Park . The park is nice too . " We pulled into Breckenridge Park and followed the signs to the Zoo entrance . I bought a pair of tickets for us and we went inside . It was a big zoo with walkways going in all directions . " That 's the Breckenridge Eagle . It 's a replica of an old fashioned steam engine . Do you want to ride it ? It will take us all around the zoo and sort of give us an overview of the place , " I suggested . The train pulled a long string of open cars with a few young children and parents waiting expectantly for it to start moving . We jumped into one of the cars near the rear like we were a couple of kids ourselves . In a few minutes an older guy came out wearing striped overalls and a railroad cap . He started the engine which sounded like a big lawnmower , bellowed " All aboard " , and we were off . The little train wandered all around the zoo and we could see the various exhibits , all kinds of animals and birds . We got an idea of what we wanted to go back and visit . It was a long ride , I guessed maybe five miles in all and we pointed and giggled like the younger kids in front of us . It stopped at one point and we got off at another little depot where they had a concession selling food and grabbed a couple of hamburgers . Before long the train , or another just like it , stopped and we got back on to continue our tour back to where we started . " That 's right . I remember something in school about that , " Marco agreed . We bought a little bag of peanuts and let the big fellow pluck them from our hands with his long trunk . We wandered all around admiring the various exhibits . There was a great flock of pink flamencos with long curved necks . We saw lions and tigers , crazy looking monkeys , all kinds of animals and birds , even reptiles . They had almost everything and we were having a good time . It felt great to walk after being cooped up in the car all morning . It was a big hotel right on the river . We took the elevator about half way up and let ourselves inside . The first thing Marco spotted was the big kingsize bed . The next thing he did was to go over to the outside sliding glass door . We opened it and looked outside . I stood behind him with my arms around his waist . " Hey , it only costs a little more to go first class , " I gave him a hug and kissed him on the neck . " We leaned over the edge of our balcony and looked up and down the river . Promptly at 6 : 30 we were ushered onto a little barge which had a long table down the center , laid out with a nice table cloth and set with plates , s ilver and pretty glassware . It looked very elegant . There were maybe 8 other people there and we joined them to sit at the end of the table opposite each other . Marco 's smile practically wrapped around his ears . Next to us was a family of four which included two excited children , a boy and a girl we guessed to be about 8 and 10 years old . I wasn 't sure who was the most excited . " Everything is preordered , " I explained . " I didn 't want to spoil the surprise by asking in advance what you wanted , so I ordered a steak and a grilled salmon . You can take your pick . " We asked for ice tea which came to us with a crisp salad and a basket of hot rolls wrapped in a cloth napkin with real butter on a plate . We helped ourselves and enjoyed looking at the sights as pointed out by our guide . On the sidewalk were people at tables in front of the many places to eat on the river . They were watching us go by , just as we had looked at the dinner barges going by earlier in the week when we first visited . The salad dishes were removed by our server and replaced with the entrées , a nice strip steak for Marco and grilled salmon for me , both with a baked potato on the side . The food had all been prepared prior to boarding so was basically like airline food , but very tasty . We did justice to it and cleaned our plates . Our hike through the zoo had given us healthy appetites . We leaned back and watched as the Riverwalk rolled by , half listening to the tour guide as he pointed out the various features along the way . We reached the end of the built up area and turned around , heading back on the other side . There was a clever amphitheater with a performing space on one side of the river and seating carved into the other . I thought that San Antonio might be a nice place to live if I ever left Tulsa for one reason or another . I looked over at Marco who had a very contented look on his face . We were having fun , enjoying ourselves . This was a good thing . Marco took one look and laughed . " This is even better than pancakes with peanut butter and jam . " He dug in and licked the residue from his fork , leaned back and drained the rest of his iced tea . " I could do this all the time , " he said with a contented smile . " Thanks , Marty . This was a real treat . Another memory with you . " I reached across the table and squeezed his hand . The kids seated next to us had maintained a constant chatter during the whole tour . They were nice kids , well behaved and obviously enjoying the experience . I thought maybe little kids might be OK if they were this pleasant . Obviously the work of good parenting . I smiled at their mom and dad . The father replied quietly . " We threatened them with death if they didn 't behave , " then he laughed . " They are good kids . We enjoy them - most of the time . " We walked back to our hotel , taking our time , stopping several times to listen to the music floating out from some of the night spots . It was growing late and we had to make an early start in the morning . We got back to the Marriott about 10 : 00 and went up to our room . Marco went out to our balcony and sat down on one of the chairs out there . I joined him in the other . We didn 't say much , just held hands and looked at the panorama below us . The lights of the city spread out in a twinkling carpet of streetlights , moving automobiles and windows of tall buildings . We could see the Tower of the Americas above us , the restaurant on top slowly revolving . Marco stepped in and adjusted the water to a warm but not quite hot temperature . The shower dance was one of our favorite things . I washed his hair , then his slender body , he did the same to me . We dried each other off and slipped into the nice fresh bed , instinctively moving to the center to hold each other close . We enjoyed the touch of bare skin but were tired , and full of good food . We kissed and stroked the others back , but were not really in the mood for the strenuous activity that sex required . As if by unspoken mutual agreement , we fell asleep in each others arms . My last thought was how wonderful his long black hair felt on my face . When I woke up the next morning I noticed that the bed was empty . I looked for Marco and saw him sitting out on the balcony , dressed and apparently ready for the days travel . I went into the bathroom for the morning ritual of emptying my bladder and brushing my teeth , dressed and went out to sit next to him . It was a long drive . We left San Antonio just after 6 : 30 and Marco drove . We rode in silence for a little while then I brought up something that was bothering me . " Did you ever wonder why she is the way she is ? I mean , what do you know about her life , the way she grew up ? Something had to make her the way she is . People aren 't born mean and bitter . " Marco was quiet for a few minutes . I guessed that he was either thinking about the question or else he just didn 't want to talk about it . At any rate , it was his turn either to respond or to let it pass . " She didn 't talk about that much . I think she had a shitty deal . She never talked about her parents and I never met them . I just don 't know . " " When I was younger , before she got to where she was drunk all the time , I remember her telling me that she , well . . . . , I guess she was abused you might say . She told me one time that she was living with her grandmother and her father came to see her . I guess she was in her early teens . He brought her some kind of a present and was trying to make nice with her , you know ? And then in the night he came to her and lay down with her and started kissing her and feeling her up . That 's what she said . " Then she kind of laughed and told me that lucky for her , she was having her period and when he put his hand on her , down there , he got mad and left her alone . She was lucky , see ? I don 't know Marty , that 's what she told me . I think she was kind of drunk at the time and never said anything else about it . " He looked over at me with a very sad expression . " Really , that 's all I can remember . She hardly ever talked about that kind of thing . As far back as I remember she just drank all the time and I had to be real careful or she would go off on me . " Marco looked ahead at the road and grew silent . I nodded my head . " It sounds like she had a hard time . I think maybe what we know about being a parent is what we learned from our parents when we grow up . I guess she didn 't have much to go on . " I thought about the thing I had trouble understanding . " Marco , with so little to go on , how did you turn out to be such a good kid ? A lot of guys in your situation would be in jail or strung out on drugs or something . Where do you come from ? I can 't imagine how you can function with that kind of relationship with your mother . How were you able to survive that ? " He looked over at me with a hint of a smile . " I guess I just didn 't want to be like that . You remember my telling you about Grant ? The guy who had the scout troop ? " " When I knew Grant , I was really struggling with some stuff . I was sneaking beer , smoking pot and stuff like that . I mean it was easy to do , Mama had a big Tupperware container of marijuana in her bedroom closet , and a bag of crystal meth in her dresser drawer , it was easy to get to . He knew all this stuff because , well , I had to talk to somebody . Grant kept telling me I didn 't have to live like that . I could be different . Just because Mama was all fucked up didn 't mean that I had to be . He kept telling me that I had choices . " " For Christ 's sake Marco . I 'm surprised that didn 't make you completely crazy . Please go on . You need to get that story out of you , and I want to hear it . " He switched off the engine and took a deep breath . " Well this shit is really hard to talk about , but if I can 't trust you , I can 't trust anybody . I guess I got to trust somebody . " " Right , Grant . He kept telling me over and over that just because my mother and her family were so fucked up that I didn 't have to live that way , didn 't have to be like that . He told me over and over that I was a good person , that I was smart and could be anything I wanted to if I just worked at it . He encouraged me to stay in school . I was about ready to just drop out , Marty . But he told me I had to stay with it , that a good education was my ticket to the future . " Marco looked at me with tears in his eyes . " It was hard , Marty . It was really hard . I tried to just run away and live on the street , but I got afraid . There are crazy people out there . It is really not safe for a 14 year old kid to live on the street . " He leaned his head back and took a deep breath . " So I lived with my Mama , and tried to just look the other way . Grant helped me with my school work until I got caught up and my grades improved . I 'm smart , Marty , I know I 'm smart and when I tried to learn the school stuff it was really pretty easy . And when my grades got better , the teachers at school started to take me seriously . It got better , it really did . " " So I got this job at Luigi 's , OK ? I started out by washing dishes and busing tables . I tried hard to make him like me and finally he said he would let me try waiting tables . The first night that I got to be a server was when you came in . " He drew a long breath . " What I wanted more than anything was a safe place to stay . To tell you the honest truth , you seemed like such a nice person that I thought maybe I could stay with you for awhile . Just for a little while until I could save up some money and find a little place of my own . That is really all I wanted . " He took another breath and blew his nose . " I 'm sorry , don 't be mad , but I saw the way you looked at me and I guessed that maybe you were gay , and I thought if I could make you like me that maybe you would let me stay with you for awhile . So when you offered to take me home I told you to go to the park , and well . . . , you know what happened there . But honest to God , Marty , when I started to know who you really are , I mean , I really liked you . I really liked you . You were so nice . . . . I got kind of confused . I really kind of felt guilty because I guess I seduced you . You could have said no , but I leaned on you pretty hard , I know that . But in just a little while I started to really care about you . I wanted to be with you all the time , and not just because I needed a place to stay . I 'm probably making enough money to get by on my own now , but I don 't want to do that . I want to be with you . And after this fantastic week . . . . You have been so wonderful to me . I guess you enjoyed the stuff we did too , but you were doing a lot of it just for me . Nobody ever did stuff just to make me happy . . . . " Marco put his face in his hands and began to sob . Not really from joy , or sorrow , but from the relief at getting this off his chest . All I could do was to look at him and let him vent to me . I wanted to hold him , to comfort him , but I waited , waited until he had purged himself of his anger and frustration . Finally he seemed to breath a little easier . Marco nodded his head , looking out into the distance . " Yeah , he was . He tried to help me , I think he really cared about me . I guess I needed that . " He grew quiet . Marco looked at me with a sad face . " He would suck my dick and wanted me to cum in his mouth . He wanted me to suck him , but I wouldn 't do it . I didn 't want to do that stuff with him . I didn 't feel that way about him , you know ? I guess Austin did that stuff with him , then Austin told some other kids about it and Grant got burned really bad . His wife found out and they had this big scene , and . . . . " " Well , I felt confused . I mean , he had been nice to me , had encouraged me , let me go on trips with his scout troop . I let him do some stuff with me because I liked him and I didn 't want to make him mad , didn 't want to hurt him . " " No , there are things I didn 't want to do with him . It wasn 't right with him . " He looked at me with anguish on his face . " Jesus , Marty , you must think I am a total whore . But I do things with you because at first I really liked you and I thought you were hot , and now I love you Marty , I really love you . It 's different with you , and besides , sex with you is so , - so good . " He broke down and sobbed inconsolably . I looked at him and my heart felt like it was breaking . He had struggled with so much - his mother , his addiction , his contorted relationship with grant who was both friend , mentor , and abuser . I certainly understood the struggle with his sexuality . The example set by his mother , the only family he knew , was to use sexual favors as a way of surviving . How could he have any sense of morality at all ? But here he was , as good a person as I had ever known , struggling , struggling to achieve some kind of balance in his chaotic life . What could I say to him ? " I love you Marco . Honestly , everything you have shared with me just makes me love you more . You are so strong to have survived all this , and still be an honest decent person . I have nothing but the greatest respect for you . I love you very much . " Marco looked at me with so much pain on his face . He cried out so loud it startled me , then fell in my arms and sobbed with what seemed like profound relief . I held him and rocked him back and forth like a little child . I spoke into his ear , " I saw a little card one time , one of those things that people give you to carry around in your wallet . It said , ' A friend is someone who knows all about you , and loves you anyway . ' Marco , I know all about you and I still love you , I love you even more . " Marco sobbed like a little child in my arms . I wept for him , wept with him - wanted to make all his pain and anger go away , but all I could do was to hold him . I held him for a long time , until he stopped crying . " Well , I don 't think you have to believe that . Maybe it 's enough that I do . " He looked very serious . " Yeah , I really believe that . " I didn 't know how to respond . I just held him , and looked at him , and knew with no shred of doubt that this was the person who meant more to me than anyone else in the world . I only wished that I was half as strong as he was . He sat up . " No , I 'm OK now . I think I see it . I figured if you knew that stuff it would be different for you . If you still can love me , if you really mean that , then I think I 'm alright . I 'm ready to go home now . " He went to start the car . " Hang on . We are almost to Dallas . Why don 't you let me drive the rest of the way . You have been driving since we left San Antonio . " He handed me the keys . " OK , you drive us on home . I am alright now , but I got to admit I 'm kind of tired . Maybe I 'll take a little nap . " We stopped just south of Dallas about 11 : 30 to gas up and eat a sandwich from a vending machine . I drove us through Dallas then north to Tulsa while Marco slept . We pulled into the apartment just at 3 : 30 in the afternoon . We carried our bags inside where Marco took a quick shower and dressed for work . It was cold in Tulsa so I drove him over to Luigi 's . Marco smiled at me . " Not for me . I slept all the way from Dallas . I feel fine . See you later , " and he was gone . " Kind of , " he shrugged . " I 'm OK - hungry . I didn 't have time to eat . Maybe I 'll fix us some pancakes . " " That was just part of the experience , I guess . I have to tell you that I had a great time . It was fun for me , and I had fun watching you have fun . " After a moment he looked down suddenly serious . " Hey , I 'm sorry about all that drama today . That stuff is hard to talk about but I think I really needed for you to know about it . " " Well , because . . . . I figured if you knew a lot of that stuff it would change the way you felt about me . I guess I didn 't really trust you , trust that you actually loved me . " Now he looked straight at me . " Everybody I ever thought I loved has hurt me , betrayed me in some way . I guess I have trust issues , " he tried to smile . " I can 't say I blame you . I don 't know how I would have handled your situation . I don 't think I am as strong as you are . " " I don 't know about that Marco . I just know I do love you and I hope you can learn to trust me . " I exhaled . " I think I 'm tired . You ready for bed ? " Marco went into the bedroom and began to undress . I followed him . He turned on the water and adjusted the temperature to suit himself . It was fine with me . We got in the shower and began our usual dance . " Well we are , aren 't we ? I mean , I 'm not looking at this as a short term thing , unless you are . Are you ? " He stopped scrubbing and let me rinse . I turned around and looked at him . He wasn 't smiling . " No , actually . I 'm thinking that this might last a long time . " He handed me the soap and tipped his head forward to let me wash his hair . " How does that work anyway ? I guess I kind of look at those matching bracelets like they were engagement rings or something . " He tipped his head back , squeezing his eyes shut to keep out the soap . " Me neither . Don 't plan to lose mine unless you tell me to . " He put his hands on my shoulders to steady himself as he raised first one leg and then the other . " I think I 'm here until you run me off . " He turned around to give me his backside . He made a funny face and said . " If so , then I accept . " Then he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a very wet kiss . " I love you Marty . I really do . " I pulled a towel off the rack and started to dry him off , considering what we were saying . " To tell you the truth , I really don 't know how this works . Times have changed , but this is Oklahoma , you know , and you are still just seventeen . " I raised my arms and turned my back to him as he continued to rub the towel over me . " We need to think about this Marco . I mean , this is serious stuff . " He stopped rubbing . " Have we just been kidding around all this time ? I spilled my guts to you . You know all the bad things about me yet you say you still love me . Do you really mean that " I turned around and hung up the towel . " Yes , I do . I mean I still love you , sure . Well maybe we should be engaged a little while before we start planning the wedding . " He laughed . " I guess I am getting in kind of a hurry . Maybe I think you are going to get away , I don 't know . But think about it , for real , OK ? When I am sure about something I kind of want to go ahead and jump on it . Thats the way I feel about you , about us . " " Oh yeah , " he climbed in after me . " You know I do . " He gave me a big sloppy kiss . " Let 's do some of that flip flop stuff again , OK ? " And so we did . Our double bed in the apartment wasn 't nearly as big as the kingsize in the hotel , but it didn 't really matter , We pretty much just used the part in the middle , and it worked fine . It was great . The mambo was inspired . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . 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After all this time together , his raging , evil , twisted , latent monster surfaced and left me in total shock ! Talking about it to anyone will only make my nightmare worse if he finds out , so I am venting here , anonymously . I have to have somewhere to let it out . I now know he is a narcissist , but what else ? bipolar ? schizoid ? psychotic ? schizophrenic ? some other mental disorder ? I hope someone can help me answer this and find a way to get me out of here ! . Home I just don 't have posting time , today , because I have spent my Internet time looking for a back - up piece of property . One of the issues with the property I am trying to get , might not be repairable in the time frame I have to get moved , so I have spent the morning looking at new listings in the areas I am considering moving to . I have one excellent possibility , but will know more on it tomorrow . T L Ogre is a Drunken Alcoholic ! Gosh , I 'm not even sure where to start on this one . In the beginning , T L Ogre told me that in his younger days , he drank a lot , A LOT . He said that he was young and stupid and drank to the point he was an alcoholic , he was never sober , but that he wasn 't an alcoholic any more . . . he was now a " recovered alcoholic . " That did send off a little warning flag with me , but over and over he assured me that he did not drink at all , now . He assured me that he understood that it was wrong , it messed up your life and your body , and that he would not do that again . I did always wonder , though , how he ' recovered ' without any help . On down the line he started talking about having an occasional glass of red wine with his dinner . He insisted that it was only a very small glass once in a blue moon , because a little red wine was good for you now and then . I didn 't think that a " recovered alcoholic " could have any alcohol at all , so I really wondered about this . I researched and learned that some ' recovered alcoholics ' can have a very occasional drink , but not most . At Christmas time that first year , he got a bottle of Scotch for a gift from a relative . Turned out , it was an annual gift . He cussed and cursed because it wasn 't the right kind . He liked another kind better and the gift he got wasn 't the right one . How ungrateful ! He said he saved it for special occasions and had a sip when it was super cold outside , to warm him up . Hmmmmmm . . . . . . . . For me , this was a bigger red flag . As far as I knew ( I was still at my own home ) , the bottle did last all year . After I moved here just over a year ago , I never saw him drinking . He held to the fact that he was a recovered alcoholic . When his daughter got married , he did break open some special bottle of extremely old and rare booze , but supposedly only had a sip or two out of it . Then one day , a few months ago , his other sister ( the one he calls the evil sister ) gave him a bottle of red wine that she had had about half a glass out of and didn 't like . A couple times a week , he would enjoy a glass of it with his long , hot bath , until it was finally gone . One night , not long after that bottle was gone , I came in to the old house to use the computer . I saw him bent over in the doorway of the old bedroom , and the strong smell of alcohol permeated the air ! He shuffled stuff around really fast , stood up and started to try and make casual small talk , but stuttered and stammered the whole time . Busted ! It was so obvious he was sneaking a drink . He didn 't just openly say he was taking a swig or something , and offer me a taste , too , he had to hide it ! It seems he much prefers drinking alone . He has started bringing home his " pay day " bottle of wine the night of pay day . It looks like it is about half a gallon of some really good quality red wine . It is always empty by morning . He is now making it a habit of getting is " pay day drunk on . " The bottles are beginning to pile of next to his tent . There are three there , now . Looks like he lied to me about all those " empties " sitting behind his little work shop . He said someone had given him the empty bottles , but they are all exactly like the empties by the tent . The day he helped me tarp over the roof on my old travel trailer so the roof doesn 't leak when it rains ( until I can get the roof sealed up better - I will do that after I move it ) , he was so drunk he could hardly stand up ! He kept stumbling all over the place and nearly fell several times . When he bent over to tie down corners of the tarp , he really had a hard time with keeping from falling over . He would stand up and complain that it " made him dizzy to bend over and tie the ropes " . He never had that kind of problem before . And that wasn 't an excuse for why he was stumbling around when he was standing straight up and having a hard time understanding anything I was saying . It was Saturday and he was getting his drunk on ! This strongly concerns me ! What if he goes into one of his narcissistic rages while he is drunk , or at least , under the influence of alcohol ? The end result could be much worse than just a broken hand . He is on an edge again . I feel , sense and see it coming on . Although filled with lies and just plain being a stupid a . . h . . . e , he has been forcing himself to be " nice " lately , overly nice . Just sickening , but a bit less stressful and a lot less scary . Is the alcohol connected ? I just don 't know . He got his Wednesday night ( pay day ) drunk on . . . . then over slept by a LOT , on Thursday morning . I also noticed , though , that his " Scotch " glass was on the bathroom counter on Wednesday night . I hadn 't seen that glass in a long , long time . I checked the bottle and it is nearly empty , now . So . . . . besides consuming an entire large bottle of wine all by himself on Wednesday night , it appears he also had a glass of his Scotch while lounging in his leisurely hot bath that night and Thursday night . These last two days are also when his " edge " and anxiety seemed to start building back up . I am concerned that all of this could drastically raise my danger level . God , keep me safe and help me through this ! I thought I would take a moment to give an update on the land looking . I guess it is in the eye of the beholder as to how well it is or isn 't going . Finding the minimum of what I feel I need in a parcel of land , with my ultra meager funding , is a challenge in itself . Adding one unexpected hurdle right after another on top of that , makes it a frustrating challenge that the average person would just give up on . . . . . but I 'm not average . Important paperwork to the land is missing . When the realtor tries to track it down , he just gets referred to the next person , who then refers him to the next person , and so on , and so on , and so on . Someday I will explain exact details as to what exactly is missing , but for now , just know that it is something that I just won 't close on without knowing . In the search for that paperwork , another big hurdle , also with missing information , popped up . So that information now has to also be found . It would still probably be doable , it will just determine more of the property 's worth / value and where and how I build on the land . While all that was going on , the funds for the loan for the land disappeared in the mail ! That was a scare , but it has finally been found and I am good to go with that , now . One hurdle down , a few more big ones to cross . I just don 't know , nor understand , why trying to get this ( or any other property I have checked into ) has become such a battle , such a time stall , but I just keep telling myself that there has to be a reason for it . I have to be patient and keep plugging forward . I won 't deny it , I am having some serious frustration moments . I am having some moments where it feels like I am going to be stuck like an hostage here forever . Then someone comes along , like my youngest daughter , today , and gives me some beautiful words of support and I am able to focus again and keep on moving forward . It was strange , about an hour after she gave me some very encouraging words today , the missing funds were found ! I did have to laugh once , when one of the statements she made were my own words that I used to say to everyone , thrown back at me , ha , ha , ha . Hit with my own words of advice . It worked ! Although I will follow and flow with where ever I feel I am being led , I really hope it is this piece of property that I am trying to purchase . I pray that all the hurdles get straightened out quickly and smoothly , I can close soon , and begin to move and rebuild my farm , to start life over anew , once again . Please help me pray , too , and keep me and my situation in your positive thoughts . I got the food card and went in to Walmart . This post picks up from the last post on the January 2nd outing after we had left the food stamp office . I only wanted to get a few basic items at that point because I wanted to make my biggest grocery purchase at discount and closeout stores in the next town . I spent approximately $ 10 in Walmart for a total of about $ 33 of groceries up to that point for the month . We were supposed to go discount grocery store shopping in a few days , so I didn 't get any more than that . Forty days later , I still had not gotten to get any more groceries ! If I could go , he had an excuse that he couldn 't . A large part of that time , though , I could not leave because I had puppies to watch . It was cold and I had to stay close to keep the momma dogs and other dogs from accidentally smashing the puppies in their effort of trying too hard to snuggle close to keep them warm . We had the puppies because T L Ogre put the dogs together , then bailed on us all , but that story will be for another post series . Of course , T L Ogre had to periodically brag about how good some of the things he was buying and eating were during the time I was getting really burned out on stale , out - dated , old tasting foods . ( But I was truly glad I had them on hand ) He did offer to share some bread or fruit a couple of times . I did not like the feeling that gave me so I took a piece of fruit once and that was it . His tone , body language and expressions all felt like he felt sorry for me and was giving me a hand out . Something in that just wasn 't right . I could get T L Ogre to pick up pet supplies for me ( my cost ) because he finally understood that I would call animal welfare if he didn 't , but not groceries . He might have picked up an occasional item in town , locally , if I begged hard enough , but it would have cost more than where I usually shop . I needed to stretch what I had left on that card , out as far as I could ! There were signs all throughout that long stretch that he had been to the next town over and he had been to those stores , but he never let me know he was going so he could pick something up for me . Last Saturday , I finally got to go grocery shopping and use up all the funds I had left on that food card ! It was a beautiful , unseasonably warm day , only one puppy is left and big enough I could leave for the day . T L Ogre needed to go over to that town for a few items , also , and said I could go if I helped with the gas . I had to stifle a laugh . He didn 't have enough gas money to go on his own ! I was still very sick and after the first two stores , realized I was still much weaker than I thought , but I pushed and got my shopping done ! And no , he would not help me load my groceries into the truck , either . He just sat in the cab complaining that his foot hurt and he didn 't have any money to get anything . I also had to unload all of my groceries back at ' home ' by myself . My hand and knee were in agony , but I finally got it all unloaded and tucked away in storage totes . I think I am enjoying my big box of fresh fruits and vegetables , best ! I was sooo salad hungry . I was so thankful to have my tucked away stock of dehydrated veggies , but you just can 't beat that fresh produce ! Throughout that day , as we drove around from store to store and on the trip home , he made mention of several times he had been , himself , and purchased this and that at the various stores . I said , I didn 't know you had come and gotten groceries here . " He replied , " It was when you had to watch the puppies and couldn 't come . " Ugh ! I knew he had , I had found the signs of it , but now he had to rub it in . He had the food card with him , he had my funds on it , too , he came to the stores I needed to go to for groceries , but NEVER , during that 40 day period , did he tell me he was and ask what I needed picked up ! What an azz ! I could have given him at least a short list each of items those times so that I didn 't have to pick mold off of my bread and cheese and all . He knew that I was having to do that , too . He had to offer me some of his bread , instead , during that time so he appeared like he was doing something nice and sympathetically wonderful for me . Grrr . . . . . I really stretched the dollar out as far as I could , but I will need to still be thrifty and make it last as long as I can , as I am still at " $ 0 " income and no longer have food stamps . About two days before the day they told me to come back in to apply , I reminded him and asked if he could take me on that day . He said , " No , just apply online . You can do it that way . " That will mean a phone conference , a conversation he has access to listen in on , leaving no way for me to get opportunity to speak freely with a human services worker , which , I am sure , is why he insists I sign up online . I 'm gonna be okay . I will get through this . I will once again earn a good income and , with that income , I will purchase all of my own groceries where I want , when I want . . . . what I don 't grow myself , that is . Is It Attempted MURDER if . . . . . I have several health issues . Most of my health issues I do pretty well at keeping under control , but there is that occasional flare up . Stress is one of the biggest triggers that will flare up any of my health issues . TL Ogre knows and fully understands all of this . Two of my biggest stress induced health issues are asthma and heart problems . Little did I know that TL Ogre would use this against me . I never dreamed that someone that is supposed to be your loving life partner , someone that is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health , through everything , no matter what , would use your health issues as a tool to punish and hurt you , but that is exactly what happened . I 'm not sure exactly how far back it started , how far back that he realized that his screaming rages or even just his didn 't - make - sense - verbal beatings sent me into asthma attacks and / or mini strokes and heart attack symptoms , but he did eventually see that is caused it and ran with it . When he would go into his screaming rages , or give me one of his long winded , never ending , belittling , verbal beatings , I would start gasping for air and go into an asthma attack and / or the left side of my body would go numb from head to toe , beginning with my left hand and foot , followed by my heart flip flopping around , chest pains , shortness of breath , jaw pain , etc . Sometimes my left eye feels like someone is stabbing it with an ice pick and feel like it will never stop ! I tried so hard to block him out and relax my breathing , but it just didn 't seem to help . His ' attacks ' were just too harsh . That mean old Ogre would see my breathing became labored , or see me start flexing my hand trying to keep it from going numb , pause a moment with a small sadistic grin on his face , then plow even harder into me with his raging . He loved me ! Why was he doing this ? ! Why was he being so mean ? ! When he either just plain ran out of steam and couldn 't rage any more , and / or felt that he had me sick enough that my daily tasks would be a huge struggle , he would stop and walk away with a satisfied smug , evil grin on his face . After many of those " episodes " , my left foot and leg would be so numb and heavy I could barely walk . My leg would often buckle under me , but I had to push and get my chores and daily tasks done as close to on time as possible , or I would get another round . I was terrified he was gong to kill me this way ! ! And of course , this is when he would give me an impossible list of extra chores to do , with consequences attached if the list wasn 't completed , which it was not possible to complete , so punishment ( s ) were / was issued . What ? ! ? ! ? ! He HAS to verbally beat me into asthma and heart attack symptoms ? ? ? ? This blew me away ! Why was he doing this ? ? Why did he feel he had to do this to me ? He was supposed to be the love of my life , take care of me when I was sick , not MAKE me sick ! ! One day , on a particularly bad day , when I just could not keep quiet after an intense verbal beating , followed by his threat to " take me somewhere to be checked " , I called him on it . The verbal beating that day had been an extra bad one . I was having strong stroke and heart attack symptoms . One too many times he turned around , those daggers dancing from his darkened eyes , and sarcastically half screamed that we needed to get me somewhere to get " that checked " . I was feeling really bad and had no patience left that day , so I turned around to face him , several yards between us ( I had been limping away to get my chores started ) , and said as calmly as I possibly could , " Yes , I need to go and have this problem checked . When I do , the doctor is going to ask me what is stressing me so badly because both of these health issues for me are usually triggered by stress . I will be honest and tell him what is causing it . He was furious ! Body puffed , nostrils flared , he barked , " So , I 'm doing it ? ? ! ? ! You think I am causing your stress ? ! You think I am stressing you enough to cause that to happen ? ! ? ! I very calmly said , " Yes , you are . When the doctor asks what I think is causing it , that is what I will tell him . " The Ogre steamed , huffed , turned and stormed off to his next chore . He spent the remainder of the day in obvious silent rage within himself . I noticed later that evening that his blood pressure cuff had been used . As soon as he understood , though , that I would not hesitate to tell a doctor . nor anyone else I could get contact with , that he was inducing my ill health symptoms , the screaming rages slowed down to almost a halt . I said almost , not totally stopped . They were ; however , replaced with other " punishments " . A narcissist will not be controlled , they just shift gears and go with another avenue . So . . . . . . is it attempted murder if someone knowingly , purposefully , and with full intent , creates a situation or performs an act , even just verbally , that they know will cause another person to go into an asthma attack , stroke ( mini or regular ) or heart attack ? I firmly believe it IS attempted murder ! What do you think ? I would love to hear your opinions and views on this topic . Howdy , all ! I don 't have much time today , so I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know I am alright . Still sick , had a set back over the weekend , but improving again . I found another small clutch of eggs a couple of days ago . They were so big and beautiful ! I kept my mouth shut this time , lol . There were half a dozen . I put them in a carton and promptly put them in my " kitchen dresser " in the tent , no word about them . Pretty sad when you have to start hiding food . Funny thing though , he never did take any eggs to his sister until today , then asked if it was okay with me first . No telling what war would have started if I had said no , and I had no reason to say no , so I half smiled and said yes , no problem . Dang , I must have really scared him with my disapproving face the other day , over the eggs . It 's just eggs . He had also recently started counting chickens , though , and realized that about 90 % of them are mine , lol . I figure , my chickens , his feed , we split them . No problem on my end . Split the eggs , I mean , not the chickens . I FINALLY got to go get groceries over the weekend ! The old Ogre had to go into that town for a few things and said I could go with him , if I split the gas , of course . The last puppy is spoken for , waiting for pick - up in a few days , it was a very , unseasonably warm , sunny day , and the little fella ( puppy ) is finally big enough I could leave for the day . I spent ALL of the food funds I had left on the card and hopefully it got me enough groceries for a month or so . I REALLY stretched it out as far as I could . I am so happy to finally have some fresh fruits and veggies ! ! ! The day wasn 't without its stresses , which I hope to get posted in a near future post , but it is done and over with , it could have been worse , and I have a stock of groceries and basic supplies . Still need a handful of things , but I have the bulk of what I needed . I just didn 't realize how weak I had gotten from being sick and after the first store or two , I was really pushing to get the rest of my list , but I wasn 't coming back without it all . On the way home , we went through a lot of brush fire smoke , which followed us home and kind of settled down in this valley , which set my respiratory infection back a bit , but I am once again , improving today . I caught him in so many lies over the weekend , in just everyday , random chit chat . It was lies that were so stupid , entire concocted " stories " even . Why would he do that ? It is a narcissistic thing . They feel that if they know the truth and the person they are talking to doesn 't , then they hold the control . . . they get a control fix from it . Grrrr . . . . . . I just kept listening quietly and wondering how much of the chit chat the past 5 plus years was all lies just like these over the weekend . Really kills my trust in anyone , anymore . I better go for now . It has already been a long morning , I need to cover stuff up before the rain gets here , and he will be back ' home ' any time . Thank you so much for stopping in and being supportive . I will try my best to get some more posts in this week . I have made so many eye - opening discoveries lately , and I want to get them documented . I found a clutch of eggs yesterday evening . The chickens hadn 't been laying much over the past month or so , so eggs have had to be somewhat rationed , used sparingly . I need more ducks , they kept laying . : ) Anyway , the chickens are free ranging during the day , so finding eggs is like an Easter Egg hunt everyday . Even we grown - ups get really excited when we find one ! Just before I found the clutch , we had about a dozen and a half eggs on hand . The half dozen or so had been aged a bit to be boiled for quick snacks and salads ( they peel easier if they have aged a bit before boiling ) , so this left only a dozen eggs for the two of us to eat on . They are starting to lay again , but we have been getting only one here and there . The eggs are becoming my main protein because I haven 't been to a grocery store in over a month , and T L Ogre eats bunches of them , so we use a lot when we have them . I told T L Ogre about the baker 's dozen eggs I had found and showed them to him ( he asked where I found them ) . He went and looked at them and instantly exclaimed , bright eyed and excited , " Good ! My sister is really needing some eggs ! She will be glad to get some . " I must have made a disapproving face , because he stopped , mouth dropped , then stuttered and stammered , " Well , I know we need some , too . It is always good to have a few on hand . . . . " I just said , " Uh , yeah . " and walked away . I don 't mind sharing with his sister , when we have it to spare , but his obsession with making sure she has everything first , and the best , has gotten beyond old ! I tried to be patient with it all at first , she is handicapped , but his desire to fall all over her , to make sure all of her needs are completely met before anyone else 's , even though there are other people living in her house ( one a young male adult ) , has gone far beyond ' normal ' . I can now see why other ' wives ' were bothered by his time and attentions with her , and why snide remarks about their ' relationship ' , are often made . It gets to be very strange , on his end . From my end , she appears to be the only woman he really and truly cares about ( setting aside his daughter , of course ) . During all of the Ogre 's process at the Food Stamp office , another worker called me to her window . She asked what I needed . I told her but she said that since funds were already on the card , I couldn 't apply for myself until the last day of the month . So , no money to my name and only $ 23 spent on groceries for the month . ( yep , good thing I am a stocker upper when I find bargains ! ) What made my heart fall the most was , I didn 't get that chance to talk to a worker in person . The stocked up food will hold out for awhile , but I wanted to seize the opportunity . I was able to slip the worker a small slip of paper with the web address to this blog on it . I sat back down to wait on David , but , as I said , he had just finished , also , and proudly strutted out to the truck . At first , I thought he had gone out to get something he forgot or needed , but then saw that he was sitting in the truck so I went on out . He looked puzzled , put his phone down and asked , " Finished already ? " I told him what she had told me . He said , " Well , I guess we will split what is on the card , then . " He also had a bag of chips in the truck ( which he offered me some of ) that were from a store we had not been to and he never mentioned he was stopping at , so that was more groceries - munchies - he purchased above that " limit " he had given me , because I had already seen him purchase his limit , as well , yet my share was only going to be half of what remained on the card . His share did not include all the munchies he has been purchasing , nor anything that he has purchased for his sister . He still took half of what was left on the card . So greedy ! He mentioned about three other stops he had to make and asked if I needed to stop anywhere else . I said no , not specifically , but if I could use the card , I wanted to get a few grocery items at Walmart when he made his stop there . ( He now approves when I can and can 't have the food card . He uses it whenever he pleases . ) When I asked for the card for Walmart , he got hatefully sarcastic , " I guess you can ! I can 't get anything right now ! I can 't get anything until I can find a place to store it ! I don 't have anywhere to put anything ! " ( Most of our food is stored in totes outside or covered over with tarps . He has 45 acres and a house that is crumbling . He could find somewhere to store his food ! He had just recently , adamantly , tried to get me to move our food from outside , back into the heavily rodent infested old house before it all freezes . He said the rodents would destroy less than a freeze ( that didn 't make sense and was opposite to him wanting it all outside in totes and tubs away from the rodents , and with no heat in the house , it freezes in there , too . The food is mostly all outside because he had said to put it there and often got angry because I wasn 't gettting the stored food outside fast enough , away from the rodents . I needed more weatherproof totes ! Actually , I needed him to quit being lazy and us get going on the food storage building we had planned to have built by now ) Such manipulation and balance tilting ! Since I have lived here , the rodents in that house have destroyed hundreds of pounds of food , yet he had just recently raged at me to put all of our food back in that nasty old house . He 's crazy ! He just can 't make up his mind ! So , he insists I put our food supply back in with the rodents ( I refused ) , grocery money is unaccounted for , he gave me a tiny spending limit , I find multiple signs that he is purchasing and eating his food when he is away from home and out ' running errands ' , it sounds like he tried to keep me from knowing the money on the card this month stuck , and HE refused to put HIS food in that rodent infested house ! Sounds to me like he intended to not only starve my animals , but me as well ! Manipulation at its finest ! It 's that " greedy little first grader pitching a fit because HE wanted the biggest " cookie " " type thing . I didn 't get much sleep last night . Although I am steadily making small improvements , I am still real sick and still have no voice . Actually , I am finally up to Bull Frog status today . 😊 I was up and around a little more yesterday , then had the extra work of bedding down critters better for a 20 degree freeze . ( I will be so glad when I can get out of here and set them all up properly . ) That poor old kerosene heater , if it makes it through to the end of this Winter , it will be a blessing ! It just would not cut the cold last night . Some nights it sweats us out of here and I have to get up and turn it off for awhile . Not last night . It got really cold in here . With the added body heat of most of the dogs , I did keep it above freezing in the tent , but it was hard to sleep for shivering . I let the dogs snuggle for some extra warmth , both mine and theirs , but they would either snuggle too tightly or steal my blankets , both of which kept waking me up . I am drinking a lot of extra fluids to try to shake this bug , so of course , every time I finally got settled in good and just drifted off to sleep , Nature said it was time to get up and go tinkle ! This led to the dogs stealing my " warm spot , " so I had to coax them all off of " my place " and start the process all over again . I love my dogs , and I am so glad I have them to protect me and keep me warm , but they are sooooo going to get their own house and bed and me mine when I move ! They do have their own bed , they just think they need to keep me warm and safe , instead . So , daylight comes and I finally drift off into a warm , deep slumber . All the dogs were finally settled in and sleeping hard , too . I was having nightmares , but I was finally sleeping . All of a sudden , I sensed something and woke up . At the same time , Big Dog lifted his head up and started low growling . T L Ogre was in the tent and quietly standing at the end of the bed about a foot away from my feet ! Still laying down , I tried to shake the sleepy off and and in my froggy voice , over dog growls , asked what was going on . He said ( more of a mumble ) he had hollered at me to see if I was ready to feed the dogs , yet , but I didn 't answer so he came in to check on me . ( I am learning that when he mumbles , his isn 't quite telling me the truth . ) Something in all of that isn 't right . I am usually up by the time he finishes his morning chores and he hollers at the fence to say he is ready to go feed my dog I still can 't get to , so I get the food out and ready for all the dogs , then he goes and feeds Old Dog while I feed the rest . I was tired and he was an hour earlier than usual because besides work , he had errands in town again , also . But this still didn 't make sense . Not only did I not hear him , but neither did any of the six Boxers in the tent , nor the two behind the tent ! None of them knew he was there until I stirred , which woke them up . When he stands at the fence and hollers to ask if I am up and ready to feed dogs , a few of the dogs ( not the lazy one , lol ) usually run out to greet him , excited it is feeding time , and Old Dog in the back pen really barks excitedly in anticipation of some food and human contact , but that didn 't happen this time . NOT ONE DOG heard him supposedly call to me at the fence ! The gate is also noisy . I can 't open it without at least a little rattle , and , again , the dogs always hear it . Then he had to get through the layers of fabric of our " curtain " door on the tent to come inside the tent . That fabric makes a bit of a rustle , yet the dogs didn 't hear that , either . It sure was a creepy feeling waking up from a sound sleep to see him staring down at me . Most of the dogs just looked at him puzzled , but , as I said , Big Dog started growling and barring teeth . Momma ( me ) was sick , laying down , asleep , and that monster wasn 't coming near her ! Other male dog ( Big Dog 's son ) started to growl , too . After a couple of " shhhh " from me , he stopped and just stayed tense and ready . Not Big Dog , though . His growl increased . He has watched the Ogre hit me , hurt me , rage at me , up and close , over and over , not to mention attack and hurt him , too , and he did not want a surprise visit from that monster ! I think he felt the same weirdness to the situation I was feeling . T L Ogre was becoming irate that the dog was snarling and growling at him . He started to raise his voice to criticize the dog and say how dangerous the dog was . The dog growled harder and made a lunge at the now irritated Ogre . I made a grab for the dog 's collar ( gotta get new , stronger , collars the second I can get to a store ) and I had to hang on to him tight while the Ogre yelled about the snarling dog and explained he was about ready to feed dogs and had to leave earlier today . He also , though , sympathetically said , " I 'm sorry you didn 't get any sleep . That stinks . " , then shot dagger filled glares at the growling dog before he left the tent , making the dog lunge again . He mumbled something about how that dangerous dog needed to be in better control . I do not believe for a minute that T L Ogre yelled at the fence , " as usual " to see if I was ready to feed the dogs . He also knew better than to sneak up on the Big Dog . I think he was practicing one of his " stealth moves " and he is also still setting me up for yet another " event " to attempt to prove to someone " that my dogs are too dangerous to exist . He hates them because they protect me from him . He can 't abuse me like he wants to , physically , verbally , mentally , because the dogs won 't allow it , because they protect me from him . I won 't let him kill them , so I think he is still working on setting up an alternative . UPDATE : Since all of this morning 's events occurred . . . . since I started writing this post , it has come to my attention that , before T L Ogre left for town , before the surprise visit in my tent , he had searched around for a " local to f - - k today " before he went in to town to run his " errands . " I thought it was kind of strange that he was doing an extra day of errands this week , and that he was short of money when he has cut me off of everything and should have extra money . I literally feel like puking , except that I spent a good part of the morning with dry heaves , already , so I am trying hard not to . As I said , his searching for a piece of trash to stick it in happened just BEFORE he came into my tent this morning . Now I am creeped out more than ever by this . Not sure I even want to know what it all means . T L Ogre HATES his mother ; not just a little bit , but with raging , extreme passionate hate . I didn 't think too much about it in the beginning . Any time we were discussing our families , he would mention his mom from time to time . When he did , it was always in a negative way , but not really with any major anger . In the beginning , he also often , said that I reminded him a lot of his mom . I never really thought much about it , in the beginning , because he usually said in it conjunction with her being an economizer or trying new small business venture ideas . Then , I took it to mean it was a good thing . I think that is how he wanted me to take it , too . As the years have gone by , and our relationship has progressed , he has spoken more and more about his mom , always in a negative way . I have only heard him say something nice about her once in the 5 + years we have been together . He has also continued to say that I remind him so much of her . I finally started wondering , " If you disliked everything about your mom , then why did you chose a life partner that reminds you so much of your her ? " I wanted to ask that question so many times , but I never could find just that right moment to ask . Now , keep in mind that his mom has been deceased for quite a few years , now . She was gone long before he and I even got together . He will tell you , with great anger and hate that she died from a hospital mistake ( s ) . He is still , to this day , bitterly angry that " they " screwed up and took his momma away from him , yet , in the next sentence , he will tell you about how no good she was . T L Ogre says his Momma was crazy , clinically crazy . He has never given a mental diagnosis , just says she was crazy . Everything ( in his eyes ) that she ever did was wrong , mean , over protective , crazy , nuts , unfair , anything in the realm of bad . He now speaks of this with narrowed , glaring eyes , wrinkled forehead , clinched teeth , and deep , angry voice . Over the past couple of years , especially the past year , he speaks of his mom more and more and more . . . . always in a bitterly , angry , hateful tone . EVERYTHING reminds him of her ! We will be just standing there , talking about something small , just everyday chit chat , things like how fast the grass is greening up , the flowers popping up , need to head for the store , anything , and it will bring to mind a bad memory about his mom , sending him into a teeth clenched , bitterly angry , ranting rage . His rage against his mom might go on for just a few minutes , but often continues for up to an hour . He then appears to be upset and angry with her for the entire rest of the day . He never lets anything go about her . He constantly brings up the same tiny little things that she did , over and over and over and over . He hangs on everything that she did that he didn 't like , stupid , simple little every day kid things , many things that I didn 't consider a bad thing at all , but basic mothering , and to this day he just won 't let go of them , not even something as simple as cleaning off a little scrape . You can be doing something as simple as picking something out of the garden or cutting up vegetables and it will stir up a memory of her , sending him into a screaming , ranting rage , nostrils flaring , skin graying , breathing difficult . . . . total hate filled anger at his mom ! Nope , I don 't think that my reminding him of his mom was a good thing at all ! ; yet , I do think that that is why he chose me as his next partner , because I DO remind him so much of his mom . I am her substitute . Hindsight . . . don 't we wish we could have it as foresight ? ! I am having one of those feeling ' numb ' days . I am very sick , so just kind of " blah " , too . I had what ever was going around , then it turned into a bad upper respiratory infection , so I am all medicated up for that ( home remedies ) , which all heightens my feeling down and frustrated feelings . I am trying s ' o hard to focus on the brighter side of things , but some days it is so , so , SOOO very hard ! As I said , I am sick , so this post may sound like a lot of babble . TL Ogre is being overly " nice " on outward appearance right now . That is still a manipulating tactic . He is all nice and sweet and helps me with something , then makes a subtle , under toned nasty remark and shoots those daring eyes at me , like ' I was nice and helped you , if you say a word about that remark , I will toss your azz out in the street ! ' . I keep having things disappear , dishes mostly , ones I really like and enjoy using . If I ask about them , he will lie and say he doesn 't have them , all the while getting total satisfaction from that Narcissistic Fix of making me do without something I needed / enjoyed and from the lie ( which gives him the control of being the only one that knows the truth ) . The Narcissistic mind is a very complicated one , but once you get a grasp on their thinking patterns , you can sometimes guess what they are up to so you can protect yourself , to a degree , from their wrath . You really never truly know what is coming next , though . There is a " feel " around him , right now , that is making me very nervous . Not even sure how to describe it . . . a look in his eyes , how he holds himself , how he moves , tone in his voice . . . . just a ' feel ' . He is up to something . He still has plans of more fallout coming . It is mostly facial expressions and a look in his eyes , a steely , pondering look . I needed some medicine for the dogs and puppies . I finally got him to go get it , because he needed to go in to town for some things , too . It turned out that I also need another type of medicine for them , but I have no way to go get it , and he would not go back , not even if I paid for the gas . He doesn 't need anything else from the store , so he sees no reason in going . I am having to use a home remedy and hope like everything that it works . It isn 't real serious at the moment , but it could become that way , fast , without the proper medication , and it is holding up rehoming the last litter of puppies . He refuses to go back to town ( about 5 miles or so away ) until his regular day on Wednesday . Yesterday , when I needed him to go , was Sunday . He is doing a lot of work around the yard , now , ( things that we had talked about doing but he never would do with / for me ) and he is making sure his butt crack shines bright while he works away ! Most of the time about half a foot of that ugly thing shines up out of his britches , with him making no effort to cover it up . Even when he is just a foot or so away from my face , he makes sure that moon shines brightly ! Does he really think he is stirring up desire with that thing ? Nah , it is disgusting . . . both seeing it and the fact that he is so eager to flash it at me . He sure is proud of it ! I guess I have random blabbered enough for today . I will try to write more focused and centered tomorrow . Have a good day , all ! Signed - Betty Sue T L Ogre is escalating by the day ! ! I HAVE to escape from here ! I have no idea how . Like the frog in the boiling pot , he has little by littl . . .
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The first few came without much fanfare . Another bullet dodged , I thought , couched as the new teeth were with so many other milestones it was nigh on impossible to tell which milestones were making him cry and not sleep . I think of the early teeth as one of many dodged bullets because LE never had colic or gas , he weaned without hardly a peep at 2 years and 3 months , and potty training him was way easier than it is for us now to get up at 6am for work and school . The top front teeth were kind of a bitch , I admit . One of them kept coming out and going back in and bleeding and it made us both insane . But those teeth also coincided with a lot of other bad marriage crap and a trip to the US , so it 's hard to say which thing , exactly , was making us insane . I gave him some homeopathic teeth medicine because what the fuck else are you gonna do ? Nothing works , believe me . It 's just that you have to do something to make up for all the other crap , and loading the kid up on Nyquil is frowned upon these days . And then the cavities started . The first one I let go for a long time , because he had reached the age of Bitching About Stuff Overly Much . Also he 'd started bitching about it when we were in the States and I figured it would be better if he could hold out till we got back to Turkey where dental care is relatively way cheaper . But it was not to be . My dad took him to the dentist and the dentist was all , " You mean all this kid did was bitch a little ? " because apparently he needed like a baby root canal . After a huge scream about the needle , he fell asleep for the rest of the ordeal . Oh shit . I 'm having and old fart moment where I 'm telling a story I 've already told . At least I used different words this time . Humor me and pretend I told it way better this time . Apologies to Lori for bringing up the tumble again , via linking . I really had totally forgotten about it . Subsequent cavities went by unblogged because I was all busy getting divorced and shit . One cavity involved this sadist at the dentist office down the street , where she drilled the fuck out of my kid 's head without anesthetic and he screamed and squirmed and I had to hold him down on the chair by lying under him and pinning his arms and feel the drill through his skull in my shoulder . Also that cow talked too much and didn 't listen to me at all and thank goodness she went on holiday for the follow - ups , so we were able to visit a nicer dentist upstairs who was less interested in testing a 4 - year old 's fortitude . But here 's the rub . There 's fuck - all I can do about the poor kid 's teeth . When I was a kid , I had this Christian Scientist dentist who I guess believed the Grace of God doesn 't apply to teeth . In one of my earliest dental records , he wrote , " This child has the Devil in her mouth . " BE 's teeth are worse than mine . For all the gorgeousness our kid somehow got from the two of us , the boy was cursed with our teeth . I noticed another cavity on the plane to the States this last time , because there 's not much else to do on the plane than find things to freak out about . I once again hoped this one would hold out till we got back to Turkey because I 've been nothing but broke since I kicked BE 's sorry ass out . So I took him to the dentist , another one this time that came with good recommendations from some friends . Turns out the cavity was preparing to be an abscess and the tooth needed to come out , from a filling that wasn 't so good the first time around . Plus there were four other cavities that needed seeing to . That 's right , four . I started bargaining with LE right away - - did he want a small , crappy toy for every cavity , or one big super great toy when all the cavities were filled ? That 's the deal , where he gets a toy for every visit the dentist . I 'd learned from the last round of cavities that the trips to the toy store are nearly as bankrupting as the trips to the dentist . He opted for the first choice . I was kind of bummed he hasn 't yet learned to delay immediate small pleasures for big ones later . He was extremely upset . Between all the dentist visits and the upcoming tooth - pulling , he got all mixed up and I 'm pretty sure he thinks all his teeth are gonna come out of his head . Which they are , but not in the way he thinks . It 's fair to say the kid and I will share the same recurrent nightmare , the one where your teeth keep breaking and falling out . It 's a common nightmare , I hear . But closer to home for some than others . I tried to offset all this with a tremendous and non - feigned display of amazement and pride and cuddles LE didn 't understand . We Skyped with my mom and she confirmed that this whole loose - tooth thing is tremendous and great . LE is suspicious , but a little bit into the whole losing his teeth and getting Big Boy teeth now . Still , the tooth pulling went way more smoothly than I imagined because the tooth didn 't have any roots . LE didn 't care for the Novocaine needle and screeched a lot about that , but the dentist was great and had him giggling in no time . He snuck in the fourth filling and whipped out the tooth lickety - split . LE mostly only bitched about the wodge of cotton in his mouth on the way home . And when we got home , he was ready to play with the kids in the street . He settled for a picture of his tooth hole , rather than a good look in the mirror . " It 's cool , " he said , when I showed him the picture . Apparently , they don 't have the Tooth Fairy in Turkey so that 's something we 're spreading the word about . Apparently , it 's hilarious . But we packaged up the tooth in a paper towel and plastic bag and some stickers . Then we un - packaged it so LE could look at it again . Then we re - packaged it and put it under the pillow and LE kind of froze up , looking around in terror in case the Tooth Fairy was going to suddenly appear and start flying around the room . The Tooth Fairy gave him 5 lira . Also she took the tooth and packed it away in a box . She plans to take each and every tooth from his head and stash it somewhere , like serial killer trophies piling up , because she is a bit creepy and trolls her kid every freaking moment of his sweet skinny arm squeaky voice smelly little boy life . He uses that euphemism in English , " gone . " I 'm not sure if they have the same one in Turkish . But I knew from his voice he meant " dead . " Cengiz Amca is BE 's best friend 's dad . BE grew up across the street from them . We call him Amca because that 's what BE called him when they were kids . BE and this friend went to school together , played in the street together , skipped school together , and even caught the clap from the same Bakırköy whore when they lost their virginity together . BE hasn 't really spoken to me properly in a couple of months . I 'm not sure why . He just got mad again , for some reason . But he called me up for this because he was sad . He needs to get over me already , I know . And he makes it too easy to be good to him even when he doesn 't deserve it . When I told him my cousin died back in November , he just grunted . The high road is always wide open for me . I 've won the divorce over and over again , without hardly trying . Cengiz Amca was cool . So is his wife , Sema Teyze . They both had thrilling adventures as subversive students and you could talk about anything with them . They smoke like it 's going out of style and make it look cool . Sema Teyze was the first Turkish mother I 'd ever heard say , to one of her children who was complaining about being hungry , " You have feet and you know where the fridge is . " Granted , the child was like 20 , but still . If you live here , you know what I mean . Cengiz Amca was an engineer . BE and his friend jokingly called him a çopçu ( garbage collector ) , which I guess is technically correct , but what Cengiz Amca did was run one of the yards where the gypsy trash collectors bring all the stuff , to separate it and clean it for recycling . It was his own business , something where he could make a living but still have a social consciousness . I asked BE what happened , assuming some horrible health crisis involving smoking and working too hard . But it was a car accident . And that was that . It just makes me think that at any moment you can get one of those phone calls that changes fucking everything for - fucking - ever . " We 're wasted , " BE said . " We 've been up all night and now we 're at the morgue filling out papers . Then we 're going to wash the body . " It 's hard not to get stuck on that . But then I thought of when my grandfather died and they turned him into Wax Grandpa for an open - casket funeral . Or how when my other grandfather , and my grandmothers , and a few other people died and they were just gone and I never saw them again . And then I thought of that extraordinary kindness allowed to people , to wash their dead themselves before sending them off . Some last act of tenderness and affection . I don 't know if I could deal with it , but I hope I could . Could I wash my mom or my dad or my brothers or LE if they were dead in front of me ? I hope BE and his friend dealt with it okay , because it seems like some kind of privilege when I really think about it . Maybe totally horrible but also a privilege . Still , you might as well settle in because it 'll be awhile . I 'll try to put lots of pictures . Chapter 1 : A Bureaucratic Success Story It 's been a busy week full of busy things that never seem to end . For one , I went to the tax place to pay the money to get my new phone activated . If you buy a phone in a foreign country , you still have to pay the duties on it to get it turned on . So I did , because even with the extra 100tl , it was still cheaper to buy it over there . With the help of a minibus driver I located the tax office . It was one of those dismaying institutional places with bland , graying paint that 's always kind of dirty . There are always multi - colored yet somehow colorless speckled floors , and windows and desks where a lot of people appear to be doing nothing very slowly . I asked a guy where I could pay the money to get the phone turned on , and he asked if I 'd ever done any work there before . I happily misinterpreted the question and said " no , " so he gave me directions for somewhere upstairs to go to get a tax number . But I already have a tax number . It 's just that I got it in Bakırköy a long time ago , not in the particular tax office where I was . He sent me off the Vezne . Having the tax number was just the first in a series of tax office successes . I gave the Vezne guy my tax card and he eyed it suspiciously , turning it over and back a few times . I would have been suspicious too , since the tax number is simply handwritten onto a laminated card . But he accepted it . After that , it was like a challenge to see if he could want something I didn 't have . Passport ? Had it . Residence permit ? Had it . The phone ? Had it . I offered the receipt for my phone , but he didn 't want that . I also could have offered 4 passport sized photos , LE 's and the cats ' vaccination records , a box of crayons , four different shades of lip gloss , a marble , and a small bottle of antibacterial hand sanitizer , had he asked for any of those things . I carry a lot of shit on me at all times . He seemed faintly disappointed everything had gone so well , and with a grunt , waved me off to the fellow in the next window , who took my money . Which I also had , cash or credit , nasıl isterseniz . So for the last week , I 've been deciding I can 't live with the cats anymore . It 's not just their wanton , needless destruction or their constant need to be into whatever I 'm doing or their endless desire to sit in my lap and knead my tits with their claws . It 's also their insane , ongoing quest for food , even if it 's just to scatter it across the floor if I turn my back for a second , and the fact that I discovered I own cornmeal because they clawed the cornmeal and made it fall all over , along with some rice . Also there 's the thing where I never want to do anything that involves entering a bedroom because it entails extracting a cat from the closet before anything else gets chewed to pieces and then tossing them both out the door and closing it before they run back in . I bar my bedroom door night while they keep me awake , flinging themselves at the door so they can come in and kill the laundry and my sweaters and attack my feet and knead my hair and tits with their claws . Plus their box is gross and they throw their litter and sometimes poo all over the place . And then they developed this maniacal obsession with tampons ( unused ones ) , which they started stealing and running away with in triumph so that I had to corner the cat to take the tampon back . As soon as the bedroom door opened , a cat appeared to stick its head in the drawer and dig out a tampon . It was a trend I didn 't care to continue with . The night before the cats were scheduled to go to the farm , they knocked their kitty carrier off a top shelf onto the floor and broke it a little . That morning , after a thrilling bout of tampon theft , they knocked over the garbage in the kitchen and scattered it all over the floor , then they walked in the wet bathtub and then walked all over the house with wet dirty feet . Havuç refused to leave the sink so I could brush my teeth , and Spider almost killed me by being underfoot between my legs . So they made getting rid of them really easy . I took a tampon and tossed it into the cat carrier and they both ran in to get it . Then I snaked the tampon back out , locked the door , and taped the whole thing closed where they broke it so they wouldn 't escape in the car . I dropped them off at the neighbor 's , and that was the end of the cats . The neighbors returned the carrier to me when I came home that afternoon , with a big hole ripped in the tape and some of Spider 's fur stuck to it . Apparently the cats were very eager to go to the farm and destroy whatever there is there . When I got back to the house , I opened the front door wide because there weren 't any cats there to stop from running downstairs . I opened all the windows because there weren 't any cats to fall off the windowsills , and I opened all the bedroom doors because the contents of those rooms are now safe from cats . For good measure , I threw some clothes on the floor because there were no cats to chew and claw holes in them . I told LE the cats were gone and his face crumpled like he was going to cry . So I reminded him about how they chew up his toys and knock over his castles . He thought about it for a moment and said , " Goodbye , cats . " Chapter 3 : The Retard Report So a big huge thing I 've been long - term trying to deal with is the problem of LE and school . Back in March , the government announced that the school system should henceforth be the now - notorious 4 + 4 + 4 system . The short version is that it 's been decided that schooling shall be broken into three phases - - 4 years of elementary , 4 years of middle , and 4 years of high school . On the face of it , the new system doesn 't seem so bad . More school ! What could be wrong with that ? Dig a little deeper , though , and you 'll find that it 's profoundly flawed both practically and politically , like so many other apparently straightforward issues in Turkey . But I 'll spare you all of that because I 've ranted endlessly about it for months virtually and in real life . So since March , I , like many parents of children my age , have been trying to work out a solution to this . Most people I know had been planning to send their kids to kindergarten . LE 's preschool had even put together a really nice kindergarten curriculum . At first , the media were saying you could write a dilekçi ( like a petition or formal request ) to keep your small kid out of school . Then they said they weren 't taking dilekçi anymore . Then they decided Eğitim ve Beslenme shools ( public schools that go all day and give your kids food ) should be open to everyone in the district , not just the working families they 'd been designed for , because it was unfair for working families to have some kind of advantage , like quality care for their kids . At that point , I gave up and resigned myself to the winds of fate . There 's fuck - all you can do about some things , except trying to force yourself into being accepting of the idea that LE will be in first grade this year . I was theoretically successful , but not really . It was around this time that LE started saying , " Fucking government . Mama , what 's the government ? " Things have been really heavy around here . Anyway , a couple of weeks ago while I was in the States , I read on Facebook that schools or the government or whatever were accepting health reports saying it would be harmful for your child to enter first grade because he / she was mentally underdeveloped or whatever . I was all , " I need me one of those . " And I became optimistic that LE might not have to go to school . This required a lot of sorting out because , having resigned myself to first grade , I hadn 't worked out a plan for daycare for LE , other than planning to hire my cleaner to look after him in the mornings until noon , when it was time to start school . It wasn 't ideal , but it was the best I can afford and I figured at least she 'd clean every day and cook a little , so it would be like having a servant , which is kind of cool . Then the on - campus school he 's been going to closed down and moved because they couldn 't agree about their rent with the university . The new school had just opened , and I had no idea if there was a place for LE , or even if they were taking kids his age . Since I was in the States , there was nothing I could do but ask around a bit . BE heard about the Retard Report , too . It was the only nice thing , the only full sentences really , that he spoke to me at the airport when we arrived home . It was agreed that I should sort out a preschool for LE , and then BE would get the health report . I got this news while meeting in my office with a student . And I was all , " WTF , did we miss it by one day ? " A friend of mine had , that morning , sent me a photo of the report they 'd gotten the day before . The student got to learn some first - class swearing , as well as a lot more about my personal life than he was probably counting on . So I told BE to call my friend 's husband , the one who 'd gotten the report the day before , and find out what he did . BE tends to give up awfully easily . He 's also a bit of a fuckup , even though he does have it in him sometimes to get things right . The Retard Report . The next part , the part where BE gets the Retard Report , was relayed to me secondhand by his parents , because BE isn 't talking to me now . Apparently , there was one good and upright Cumhuriyetçi psychologist somewhere deep in the interminable bowels of Bakırköy Hospital . Finding this doctor took some doing . I imagined a small group of frustrated parents running hither and yon together , clamoring for Retard Reports for their kids . The doctor didn 't even need a bribe , apparently . So it 's official . My kid is a retard . This is not by my accounting . It 's according our good Tayyip . According to the various statements he 's released in the past few weeks , not only are kids who get reports to stay out of school for a year retards , they are also traitors and they support the PKK . I couldn 't find the one with Erdoğan dancing , singing " You 're a retard ! " to a little kid . It 's an awfully heavy load for a small kid . As soon as mine knows what " traitor " and " PKK " and " retard " mean , I 'll be sure and let him know the government says he 's all of those things . For now , he 's just happy he can play with his gun with the sponge bullets the cats were insane about chewing up before they discovered tampons . At the end of the week , I took the Retard Report to the elementary school LE had been automatically registered at . The security guard sent me to whatever office , but he had given me the wrong name and I couldn 't find the office . I went up and down four floors , wandering the halls looking . The school was being painted with a fresh coat of institutional blah . The new paint was hard to distinguish from the graying paint underneath . The floors were from the same Institutional Standard Issue Speckle as the ones in the tax office . Tiny orange and green footprints had been painted on the stairs to show the kids which side to walk on for going up or down . I saw something that looked like animal poo on the floor . The rooms had beaten - up desks and cupboards carelessly stacked in the center , and they had interesting names like " Science Lab " and " Art , " but the insides were the same as the other classrooms . With the help of a cleaner , I finally found the right office . The assistant principal ( a different guy from the one I 'd talked to before ) had also come from the same Standard Issue as the guys in the tax office , with a big thick mustache and dyed black hair and graying skin . I told him what I was there for and he took my stuff and gave me someone else 's dilekçi to copy because I have no idea what you 're supposed to write in those things , but they have to be either typed or written in your own hand . While I was copying it , he talked to a few other visitors , doing everything very slowly , endlessly shuffling papers and opening and closing the same drawer . His answers to them were short and vague and final - sounding . Then he asked me if , in America , they make kids start first grade at 5 and a half . I said they don 't , usually . He muttered something bitter about our good leaders and the state of things in Turkey . Then he asked me about my husband and I told him I was divorced , which probably wasn 't such a good idea because then , get this , he started flirting with me . " Bekarlık çok zor , değil mi ? " ( It 's hard being single , isn 't it ? ) I began getting concerned it might take a blowjob to bring the school matter to rest , because , I don 't know . It 's just the sort of thing one worries about in the back of one 's mind . So I asked him if he had kids , and he said they 're all grown and have no use for him anymore . He 's been apart from his wife for 20 years . So I wrote the dilekçi as fast as I could , made a mistake , scribbled it out and fixed it . The assistant principal shuffled papers and talked about how glad he was I 'd come to his office . When I finished writing , I gave him the papers . He looked them over several times , then shuffled them around a bit . Then he put them in the drawer and closed it . Then he took them back out again and shuffled them some more . I pressed my knees together and subtly tried to pull my skirt even farther down over them . His phone kept ringing and he kept hitting the button to shut it off . Then he complained about how busy he was . I seriously felt like saying , " May I go now , sir ? " Instead , I tried to be like a fellow educator and said how difficult things are in September . He said that he was feeling tired and bored , but since I had come to his office , he was feeling much better . So I asked him if everything was in order . He offered me tea . I declined and said I had a lot of work to do . He wondered what sort of work that might be . So I stood up and said something vague and thanked him and bid him good day , offering a handshake because that seemed to be about the least feminine thing I could do in the situation . Then I got the fuck out of there as quick as I could without looking like I was scurrying . 1 ) The first good thing that happened was that my ex had arranged for his friend who works in customs to come meet us at the airport . This guy has been meeting us the airport for years . It 's the nicest thing ever , being met just outside passport control by a familiar face . Usually at Atatürk Airport , you have to deal with a whole bunch of crap before meeting anyone you know , like passports and visas and the heat and possibly an interminable wait for baggage that may or may not show up , depending on the airline . Delta is the worst for taking forever and losing your stuff . I never see BE 's airport friend other than at the airport . They 're army buddies . We went to his wedding , and once we visited his house after their daughter was born . But he 's a nice fellow who can wave off the customs guys if any of them suddenly develop an interest in your stuff . 2 ) Our bags came fast . That was a good thing too . LE was so happy to see his dad that he more or less forgot I exist . It 's okay . After that plane trip , I think we were both glad to be rid of each other for awhile . Which isn 't to say I didn 't start missing him before I even hit the E5 . So I called him up to thank him for being such a great kid on the airplane because I 'd forgotten to tell him before I left . I also apologized for getting a bit bitchy toward the end there , even though he really wasn 't supposed to bang the sun - filled window shades up and down while everyone is sleeping . Perhaps I expect an awful lot from such a small fellow . He told me something about a superhero . I don 't remember what , because that 's mostly all he wants to tell me , is stuff about superheroes . Well , I went ahead and checked with my lawyer about the money thing and she said BE can 't do that . So I let him know he owes me money and he was pissed off so I had to arrange my own ride home from the airport . Which isn 't such a problem , really . I got that sorted out even though , according to BE , there aren 't korsan taxis anymore so he can 't call his regular guy . Which is why I hooked up a cheap ride home with a car service . They 're great . But the limit of the area they go to is the bank which isn 't far from my house but it 's too far to walk with a bunch of giant , heavy suitcases . So I figured it was cheaper to get a taxi from the bank to my house than pay the extra 20 lira for their going out of area . When we got there , I found a taxi and I guess I convinced him to turn his car around and fetch me and my stuff , though he seemed reluctant . When I went back to the driver he was like , " Oh you just live a few blocks away ? Well , I 'll take you . No big deal . " I looked for the taxi to tell hm not to bother and couldn 't find him and I felt really bad because it seemed like he actually was turning around somewhere . At the same time , I was more than happy for the ride to my house . And then you know what I did ? I got us kind of lost . It wasn 't my fault . They built a tunnel near my road not long ago , but the roads around the tunnel keep changing and I guess they changed again while I was gone . It took a few tries to hit the turn to my road . No worries though . Another good thing is coming ! No sooner had I taken a breath deep breath in preparation for powering through the pain than a bunch of neighborhood kids ran up offering to help with the bags . The first few kids were too small and I politely declined . But then some more adolescent ones turned up , the ones I had been ignoring a few minutes earlier because they were doing that " Where are you from ? " thing . In a giggling , tumbling mass the six boys had hold of my bags . The ones who 'd gotten the duty - free booze bag seemed particularly amazed and showed off to the others . They trundled everything up the stairs and fell down a few times but were probably still gentler than the baggage handlers . I rescued the booze halfway up . Then they disappeared as quickly as they 'd come . They called me " teyze . " Teyze is what you 're supposed to call a woman significantly older than yourself . It 's respectful . At first I was all , " WTF ? " Then I decided they could call me whatever the hell they want because they 'd just hauled my bags up the stairs . Being called teyze was kind of a bad thing , but not so bad . 5 ) When I got in the door , I discovered the cats had knocked a plant from a top shelf all over the desk and floor , and then they 'd played with the dirt all over the house . This must have happened fairly close to my arrival home , since my friend who was looking after them had brought a cleaner over the day before . It took me like an hour to clean up and dirt still keeps appearing from nowhere . 6 ) The next day after waking up at 5am and running around doing a bunch of errands or whatever , I was heading across town because that 's how I roll . About 40 minutes into the trip I realized I was starving . I was jetlagged and sleepy and my eating is all off and I didn 't plan well . So I got off the minibus at the metrobus station and bought a simit from the guy there and then got on the metrobus even though it was crowded and I had to stand and I ate the simit . When it was done , I got my earphones out of my bag . I managed the unzipping and untangling and sticking the thingies into my ears and plugging it all into the phone with one hand because my other hand was holding the bar . I realized I 've gotten pretty good at that . It all felt good . But maybe I was just in a good mood . Hard to say . The point goes to " good thing " in any case . 7 ) I was heading across town to hang out with a friend . Turns out the Büyükçekmece metrobüs has opened , which made the trip a lot easier . I had to take another minibüs for the last leg , and was naturally worried about getting lost . But I told the driver where I wanted and he said it was the last stop , which was good because " siteler " sounded quite vague to me . It could be any place within a number of apartment complexes . As we neared the last stop , driver started getting nervous and asking me questions about where I wanted to go . " Isn 't it the last stop ? " I asked . I showed him the message in my phone from my friend explaining where to go . He wanted to call my friend and check . That 's a funny thing that happens in some places , drivers and other people that get nervous about maybe having to be responsible for a lost yabancı woman . It can get awkward . Love ! Look , I like animals . I like to anthropomorphize them and give them names and chat with them . For the most part , I try to be their . . . This is what beer should look like . Before I moved to Turkey , I liked beer a lot . I liked drinking beer , and I liked drinking a lot of . . .
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Longfellow had long despaired over the Civil War , as it reflected his own darkest personal despair . His beloved wife Fanny had died two years earlier . His oldest son Charles , a Lieutenant in the Army of the Potomoc , had been seriously wounded in the war . Thankfully , Charles survived . It was the start of the hope for a future without war for Longfellow . He awoke on Christmas Day 1863 , and felt the inspiration to write a poem looking forward toward better days . Longfellow captured the nation 's awakening as well , as the poem ends with a confident hope of triumphant peace . " Then tackle item two in the same way ; and so on . Do this until quitting time . Don 't be concerned if you have only finished one or two . Take care of emergencies , but then get back to working on the most important items . The others can wait . " " Make this a habit every working day . Pass it on to those under you . Try it as long as you like , then send me your check for what you think it 's worth . " It was a busy morning , about 8 : 30 , when an elderly gentleman in his 80 's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb . He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9 : 00 am . I took his vital signs and had him take a seat , knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him . I saw him looking at his watch and decided , since I was not busy with another patient , I would evaluate his wound . On exam , it was well healed , so I talked to one of the doctors , got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound . The gentleman told me no , that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife . I inquired as to her health . He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer 's Disease . It was fifty years ago , on a hot summer day , in the deep south . We lived on a dirt road , on a sand lot . We were , what was known as " dirt poor . " I had been playing outside all morning in the sand . Suddenly , I heard a sharp clanking sound behind me and looking over my shoulder , my eyes were drawn to a strange sight ! Across the dirt road were two rows of men , dressed in black and white , striped , baggy uniforms . Their faces were covered with dust and sweat . They looked so weary , and they were chained together with huge , black , iron chains . Hanging from the end of each chained row was a big , black , iron ball . They were , as polite people said in those days , a " Chain Gang , " guarded by two , heavily armed , white guards . I stared at the prisoners as they settled uncomfortably down in the dirt , under the shade of some straggly trees . One of the guards walked towards me . Nodding as he passed , he went up to our front door and knocked . My mother appeared at the door , and I heard the guard ask if he could have permission to get water from the pump in the backyard , so that " his men " could have a drink . My mother agreed , but I saw a look of concern on her face , as she called me inside . I stared through the window as each prisoner was unchained from the line , to hobble over to the pump and drink his fill from a small tin cup , while a guard watched vigilantly . It wasn 't long before they were all chained back up again , with prisoners and guards retreating into the shade , away from an unrelenting sun . I heard my mother call me into the kitchen , and I entered , to see her bustling around with tins of tuna fish , mayonnaise , our last loaf of bread , and two , big , pitchers of lemonade . In what seemed " a blink of an eye " , she had made a tray of sandwiches using all the tuna we were to have had for that night 's supper . My mother was smiling as she handed me one of the pitchers of lemonade , cautioning me to carry it " carefully " and to " not spill a drop . " Then , lifting the tray in one hand and holding a pitcher in her other hand , she marched m " We had some leftovers from lunch , " she said , " and I was wondering if we could share with you and your men . " She smiled at each of the men , searching their dark eyes with her own blue eyes . Everyone started to their feet . " Oh no ! " she said . " Stay where you are ! I 'll just serve you ! " Calling me to her side , she went from guard to guard , then from prisoner to prisoner - - filling each tin cup with lemonade , and giving each man a sandwich . It was very quiet , except for a " thank you , ma ' am , " and the clanking of the chains . Very soon we were at the end of the line , my mother 's eyes softly scanning each face . The last prisoner was a big man , his dark skin pouring with sweat , and streaked with dust . Suddenly , his face broke into a wonderful smile , as he looked up into my mother 's eyes , and he said : " Ma ' am , I 've wondered all my life if I 'd ever see an angel , and now I have ! Thank you ! " Again , my mother 's smile took in the whole group . " You 're all welcome ! " she said . " God bless you . " Then we walked across to the house , with empty tray and pitchers , and back inside . Soon , the men moved on , and I never saw them again . The only explanation my mother ever gave me , for that strange and wonderful day , was that I " remember , always , to entertain strangers , for by doing so , you may entertain angels , without knowing . " Then , with a mysterious smile , she went about the rest of the day . I don 't remember what we ate for supper , that night . I just know it was served by an angel . ~ Author Unknown ~ David was the fifth child in our family of eight kids . He was two years older than me and was born with Downs Syndrome . We lived in the " way outback " in south Alabama . When I was a small girl , I was so totally embarrassed when people would stare at him as if he were a freak . He always noticed it , too . Many times he would ask the rest of the family why are they looking at me like that ? We always told him it was because he was so handsome . But , I was still ashamed to be seen with him in public myself , and I was his sister . One hot summer afternoon when David was 14 years old , he came running into the house sobbing loudly . His heart was breaking in two . Before I could get to him to see what was wrong , he had fallen down beside his bed and began to cry and pray . This was his prayer : " God , why me ? Why am I so different from everybody else ? Nobody understands me . I just want to play with all the other boys and be like them . Why ? Why ? Why am I so different ? " My heart began to pound . My anger began to rise . I walked outside to see what had happened . My younger brothers said several boys from the neighborhood had been in our yard mocking and making fun of David after he asked if he could play with them . They broke his heart . Remembering what I had just heard , my anger turned to rage . I went looking for those boys . They were still mocking David when I found them two houses away . I whipped 3 boys that afternoon , all bigger and older than me . I quickly ran home and confessed my fighting to Mom , before those boy 's mothers could get to her . David was still crying when I had gotten home . He stayed beside his bed for over three hours crying and praying to God . When he finally ended his prayer , he so quietly said to God : " I want your will to be done in my life . Amen . Thank you , God . " Crying myself , I tried to comfort David that afternoon , but could not . He was too broken in spirit to hear me or to feel my compassion for him . That was the first time I really knew that David fully understood how different he was . My image and view of him totally changed that afternoon . He became a strong focal point in my life . I loved him so dearly and took him with me everywhere when Mom allowed me to . My admiration and respect for him knew no boundaries . He showed love to everyone he came in contact with . His life was centered around loving people unconditionally . He accepted everyone . He never spoke ill of any person . Even when people hurt his feelings , he forgave them immediately and hugged their necks . It was many years later , when he died at 49 years of age , that ' I ' received the answer to ' his ' prayer . I realized the " why " of David 's life . Before he was placed on life support and was unable to speak to us , I was sitting on a short stool beside his hospital bed when David reached for my hand about 2 : 30 a . m . in the morning . He smiled at me , told me he loved me and asked , " Sis , will you hold my hand when . . . . you know ? " I knew from the look in his eye that he knew something I did not even want to think about . I hugged him tightly , gave him a kiss on the forehead and agreed to hold his hand until he got better . David 's earthly body soon gave up . He could not fight to stay alive for us any more . I had been holding his hand and singing worship choruses to him for several hours . He left this life behind as I was singing " Amazing Grace . " So many people attended his funeral . He had touched so many different people . The main topic of conversation about David at the funeral focused on the way he had touched and loved so many people during his lifetime . Then I remembered his prayer and this was God 's answer . The reason David was born with Downs Syndrome , and the reason he was so different was so everyone who knew him could learn to love , God 's way , by watching David shine with pure , unconditional , unfailing love , forgiveness and longsuffering . What a wonderful man my brother was ! My heart breaks each time I think of the physical and emotional suffering throughout his lifetime . But I smile each time I think of what he meant to so many people . His reason for being was to teach us how to love . God 's way . ~ Author Unknown ~ During the American Civil War , a young man named Roswell McIntyre was drafted into the New York Cavalry . The war was not going well . Soldiers were needed so desperately , that he was sent into battle with very little training . Roswell became frightened - he panicked and ran . He was later court - martialed and condemned to be shot for desertion . McIntyre 's mother appealed to President Lincoln . She pleaded that he was young and inexperienced and he needed a second chance . The generals , however , urged the president to enforce discipline . Exceptions , they asserted , would undermine the discipline of an already beleaguered army . Lincoln thought and prayed . Then he wrote a famous statement . " I have observed , " he said , " that it never does a boy much good to shoot him . " He then wrote the following letter in his own handwriting : " This letter will certify that Roswell McIntyre is to be readmitted into the New York Cavalry . When he serves out his required enlistment , he will be freed of any charges of desertion . " That faded letter , signed by the president , is on display in the Library of Congress . Beside it there is a note which reads , " This letter was taken from the body of Roswell McIntyre , who died at the battle of Little Five Forks , Virginia . " Given another chance , McIntyre fought until the end . Most of our decisions are of a different magnitude than Lincoln 's , but he illustrates that there is always a time to try again . It never does a boy ( or anybody else for that matter ) much good to shoot him . But you might be surprised at the power of forgiveness ! ~ The Author is Steve Goodier who is publisher of many books as well as a free newsletter on sharing life and love at THIS LINK . I stood before an auditorium filled with outraged teachers who were becoming angrier by the minute . My speech had entirely consumed their precious 90 minutes of inservice . Their initial icy glares had turned to restless agitation . You could cut the hostility with a knife . I was convinced of two things . First , public schools needed to change ; they were archaic selecting and sorting mechanisms designed for the industrial age and out of step with the needs of our emerging " knowledge society . " Second , educators were a major part of the problem : they resisted change , hunkered down in their feathered nests , protected by tenure , and shielded by a bureaucratic monopoly . They needed to look to business . We knew how to produce quality . Zero defects ! TQM ! Continuous improvement ! As soon as I finished , a woman 's hand shot up . She appeared polite , pleasant . She was , in fact , a razor - edged , veteran , high school English teacher who had been waiting to unload . She jumped to her feet . " That 's right ! " she barked , " and we can never send back our blueberries . We take them big , small , rich , poor , gifted , exceptional , abused , frightened , confident , homeless , rude , and brilliant . We take them with ADHD , junior rheumatoid arthritis , and English as their second language . We take them all ! Every one ! And that , Mr . Vollmer , is why it 's not a business . It 's school ! " In an explosion , all 290 teachers , principals , bus drivers , aides , custodians , and secretaries jumped to their feet and yelled , " Yeah ! Blueberries ! Blueberries ! " Since then , I have visited hundreds of schools . I have learned that a school is not a business . Schools are unable to control the quality of their raw material , they are dependent upon the vagaries of politics for a reliable revenue stream , and they are constantly mauled by a howling horde of disparate , competing customer groups that would send the best CEO screaming into the night . None of this negates the need for change . We must change what , when , and how we teach to give all children maximum opportunity to thrive in a post - industrial society . But educators cannot do this alone ; these changes can occur only with the understanding , trust , permission , and active support of the surrounding community . For the most important thing I have learned is that schools reflect the attitudes , beliefs and health of the communities they serve , and therefore , to improve public education means more than changing our schools , it means changing America . Since its publication , reactions to this story have been overwhelmingly positive . Heartfelt messages of thanks and appreciation have come from around the world . They are always deeply gratifying . There are people , however , who take issue with the lesson presented . The arguments usually fall into one of two groups . The first is comprised of those who claim that the story is simplistic , and the teacher painted with a broad brush . Sure she did . She had ninety seconds . Since that day , however , I have visited hundreds of schools and her point remains apt . The second group argues that the comparison of children to blueberries is specious . Most of these people contend that the children are " the customers , " not the raw material . The truth is that no one can agree on who the " customers " are . Candidates include students , parents , grandparents , business owners , corporate executives , human resource directors , and college deans of admission . ( I tend to designate the entire taxpaying public as the rightful customers . They are the ones who are paying . ) This problem is further complicated by the fact that few of these " customers " can agree on what they want as a finished product , except in the broadest terms . Everyone has an opinion . Politicians and bureaucrats are left to define what children should know and when they should know it . And they are constantly manipulated by dozens of organized , aggressive , well funded special interest groups . Many of these groups have conflicting agendas that are directly at odds with the best interest of kids . If the final product of the PreK - 12 enterprise is a young adult prepared with the knowledge , skills , habits , and values needed to succeed in a fast - paced , global , knowledge society , then the quality of the " raw material " - the student 's talent , intelligence , physical and mental health , attention , and motivation - is a huge variable in the education process over which public schools have little control . Parents , teachers , administrators , board members , civic and business leaders must work together with the students to develop their potential and help them reach the goal . Whether they are called customers or workers is next to irrelevant . The Board Meeting had come to an end . Bob started to stand up and jostled the table , spilling his coffee over his notes . " How embarrassing . I am getting so clumsy in my old age . " Everyone had a good laugh , and soon we were all telling stories of our most embarrassing moments . It came around to Frank who sat quietly listening to the others . Someone said , " Come on , Frank . Tell us your most embarrassing moment . " Frank laughed and began to tell us of his childhood . " I grew up in San Pedro . My Dad was a fisherman , and he loved the sea . He had his own boat , but it was hard making a living on the sea . He worked hard and would stay out until he caught enough to feed the family . Not just enough for our family , but also for his Mom and Dad and the other kids that were still at home . " When you got close to him , he smelled like the ocean . He would wear his old canvas , foul - weather coat and his bibbed overalls . His rain hat would be pulled down over his brow . No matter how much my Mother washed them , they would still smell of the sea and of fish . " Frank 's voice dropped a bit . " When the weather was bad he would drive me to school . He had this old truck that he used in his fishing business . That truck was older than he was . It would wheeze and rattle down the road . You could hear it coming for blocks . As he would drive toward the school , I would shrink down into the seat hoping to disappear . Half the time , he would slam to a stop and the old truck would belch a cloud of smoke . He would pull right up in front , and it seemed like everybody would be standing around and watching . Then he would lean over and give me a big kiss on the cheek and tell me to be a good boy . It was so embarrassing for me . Here , I was twelve years old , and my Dad would lean over and kiss me goodbye ! " He paused and then went on , " I remember the day I decided I was too old for a goodbye kiss . When we got to the school and came to a stop , he had his usual big smile . He started to lean toward me , but I put my hand up and said , ' No , Dad . ' My Dad looked at me for the longest time , and his eyes started to tear up . I had never seen him cry . He turned and looked out the windshield . ' You 're right , ' he said . ' You are a big boy … . a man . I won 't kiss you anymore . ' " Frank got a funny look on his face , and the tears began to well up in his eyes , as he spoke . " It wasn 't long after that when my Dad went to sea and never came back . It was a day when most of the fleet stayed in , but not Dad . He had a big family to feed . They found his boat adrift with its nets half in and half out . He must have gotten into a gale and was trying to save the nets and the floats . " I looked at Frank and saw that tears were running down his cheeks . Frank spoke again . " Guys , you don 't know what I would give to have my Dad give me just one more kiss on the cheek … to feel his rough old face … to smell the ocean on him … to feel his arm around my neck . I wish I had been a man then . If I had been a man , I would never have told my Dad I was too old for a goodbye kiss . " It was a lion who had been brought up by the sheep ever since he was a cub . It would bleat like a sheep and run around like a sheep . The lion went straight for him , and when the sheep - lion stood in front of the real one , he trembled in every limb . A number of years ago I watched Billy Graham being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on television . Oprah told him that in her childhood home , she use to watch him preach on a little black and white TV while sitting on a linoleum floor . She went on to the tell viewers that in his lifetime Billy has preached to twenty - million people around the world , not to mention the countless numbers who have heard him whenever his crusades are broadcast . When she asked if he got nervous before facing a crowd , Billy replied humbly , " No , don 't get nervous before crowds , but I did today before I was going to meet with you . " Oprah 's show is broadcast to twenty - million people every day . She is comfortable with famous stars and celebrities but seemed in awe of Dr . Billy Graham . When the interview ended , she told the audience , " You don 't often see this on my show , but we 're going to pray . " Then she asked Billy to close in prayer . The camera panned the studio audience as they bowed their heads and closed their eyes just like in one of his crusades . Then Oprah sang the first line from the song that is his hallmark " Just as I am , without a plea , " and though singing off ' - key her voice was full of emotion and almost cracked . When Billy stood up after the show , instead of hugging her guest , Oprah 's usual custom , she went over and just nestled against him . Billy wrapped his arm around her and pulled her under his shoulder . She stood in his fatherly embrace with a look of sheer contentment . I once read the book " Nestle , Don 't Wrestle " by Corrie Ten Boom . The power of nestling was evident on the TV screen that day Billy Graham was not the least bit condemning , distant , or hesitant to embrace a public personality who may not fit the evangelistic mold . His grace and courage are sometimes stunning . In an interview with Hugh Downs , on the 20 / 20 program , the subject turned to homosexuality . Hugh looked directly at Billy and said , " If you had a homosexual child , would you love him ? " Billy didn 't miss a beat . He replied with sincerity and gentleness , " Wh ~ Author Unknown ~ " A few days before Badenhorst 's departure , I was called to the main office . General Steyn was visiting the island and wanted to know if we had any complaints . Badenhorst was there as I went through a list of demands . When I had finished , Badenhorst spoke to me directly . He told me he would be leaving the island and added : ' I just want to wish you people good luck ' . I do not know if I looked dumbfounded , but I was amazed . He spoke these words like a human being and showed a side of himself we had never seen before . I thanked him for his good wishes and wished him luck in his endeavours . I thought about this moment for a long time afterwards . Badenhorst had perhaps been the most callous and barbaric commanding officer we had had on Robben Island . But that day in the office , he had revealed that that there was another side to his nature , a side that had been obscured but still existed . It was a useful reminder that all men , even the most seemingly cold - blooded , have a core of decency and that , if their hearts are touched , they are capable of changing . Ultimately , Badenhorst was not evil ; his inhumanity had been foisted upon him by an inhuman system . He behaved like a brute because he was rewarded for brutish behaviour . " I never thought of myself as one who has any great talent , but like each of us , I have certain skills and abilities . Let me tell you a story passed down through jazz circles . It 's a story about a man who had real talent . This particular man played piano in a bar . He was a good piano player . People came out just to hear him and his trio play . But one night a patron wanted them to sing a particular song . The trio declined , but the customer was persistent . The bartender shouted across the room to the piano player , " Hey buddy ! The patrons are asking you to sing ! If you want to get paid , sing the song . " So he did . He sang the song . A jazz piano player who had not sung in public , sang a song that changed his career . Nobody had ever heard Sweet Lorraine sung the way it was sung that night by Nat King Cole ! You , too , have skills and abilities . You may not feel as if your " talent " is particularly great , but it may be better than you think ! And with persistence , most skills can be improved . Besides , you may as well have no ability at all if you sit on whatever talent you possess ! An old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train . The train was about to leave the station . All the passengers were settling down in their seats . As the train started to move , the young man was filled with a lot of joy and curiosity . He was sitting on the window side . He put one hand out the window and felt the passing air . He shouted , " Papa , see all the trees are going d behind . " The old man smiled and admired his son 's feelings . Beside the young man , a couple was sitting and listening to conversation between the father and son . They were a little awkward with the attitude of the 25 - yer - old man behaving like a small child . Suddenly the young man shouted , " Papa , see the pond and animals . The clouds are moving with the train . " . The couple was watching the young man with embarrassment . Now it started raining and some raindrops fell on the young man 's hand . He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes . He shouted again , " Papa , it 's raining and the water is touching me , see Papa . " For Sparky school was all but impossible . He failed every subject in the eighth grade . He flunked physics in high school getting a grade of zero . Sparky also flunked Latin , algebra and English . He didn 't do much better in sports . Although he did manage to make the school 's golf team , he lost the only important match of the season . Throughout his youth Sparky was awkward socially . He was not actually disliked by the other students ; no one cared that much . He was surprised if a classmate ever said hello to him outside of school hours . There 's no way to tell how he might have done at dating . Sparky never once asked a girl to go out in high school . He was too afraid of being turned down . Sparky was a loser . He , his classmates . . . everyone knew it . So he rolled with it . Sparky had made up his mind early in life that if things were meant to work out , they would . Otherwise he would content himself with what appeared to be his inevitable mediocrity . However , one thing was important to Sparky - drawing . He was proud of his artwork . Of course , no one else appreciated it . In his senior year of high school , he submitted some cartoons to the editors of the yearbook . The cartoons were turned down . Despite this rejection , Sparky was so convinced of his ability that he decided to become a professional artist . After completing high school , he wrote a letter to Walt Disney Studios . He was told to send some samples of his artwork , and the subject for a cartoon was suggested . Sparky drew the proposed cartoon . He spent a great deal of time on it and on all the other drawings he submitted . Finally , the reply came from Disney Studios . He had been rejected once again . Another loss for the loser . So Sparky decided to write his own autobiography in cartoons . He described his childhood self - a little boy loser and chronic underachiever . For Sparky , the boy who had such a lack of success in school and whose work was rejected again and again , was Charles Schultz . Charles " Sparky " Shultz died in 2000 . In high school he may have been considered a loser , but " in life " he was a definite winner . It took time for him to discover what he really loved , and whet he did well with in life . And as Charlie Brown in his own way had the understanding and patience from his family , I am confident that Sparky did along the way as well . I will always remember Stella . Elderly , blind , and living alone , one might think she should have spun long tales of hardship and misery . And I suppose she could have told such stories , but she made little room in her life for self - pity . She might have mentioned the deaths of friends and family , including her husband ; the glaucoma which finally claimed her eyesight ; the small pension on which she was forced to subsist and the arthritis which kept her homebound in a little trailer house . But she never did lament about all her hardships , either past or present . I frequently recall her enumerating her good fortune . Speaking of her son , she often said : " My Jimmy came to see me today . He 's so good to me ! " Of her friends , she often commented : " I 've been talking on the phone all morning . I 'm so thankful I have such good friends . " Then , with a slap on her knee and a broad smile on her lips , she would invariably exclaim , " I 'm the richest person in the world ! " And maybe she was ! She had love . She found it in her friends , her family and her faith . She had everything she needed for a happy and fulfilled life . And what " s more , she knew it . Stella spoke of her upcoming 90th birthday . " All my family will be here , " she smiled . And with that familiar slap on her knee , she exclaimed , " You know , I 'm the richest person in the world ! " But she barely made that birthday celebration herself . Several days prior she was laid in a hospital bed and slipped into a coma . Her family was told she would die shortly . I felt sad that she would not experience her long - awaited celebration . However , a strange thing happened . On the day of her birthday , she opened her eyes and greeted the smiling faces of family and friends surrounding her bed . She sat up and enjoyed birthday cake while someone read cards . They told her they loved her and they said , " Good - bye . " At one point , she looked at me with that familiar twinkle in her eye , smiled and whispered , " I 'm the richest person in the world ! " Stella went to sleep that night and slipped peacefully away . I have often wondered if she felt sorry for those who have everything but happiness . After all , they could be just as wealthy and happy as she , if they only realized that the greatest of all riches love . Thanks to Stella , I have now decided to become the Richest Person in the World ! Anyone who has pets will really like this . You 'll like it even if you don 't and you may even decide you need one ! Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named ' Lucky . ' Lucky was a real character . Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy . Inevitably , someone would forget and something would come up missing . Mary or Jim would go to Lucky 's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be , amid all of Lucky 's other favourite toys . Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box . It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer . Something told her she was going to die of this disease . . . . . . in fact ; she was just sure it was fatal . She scheduled the double mastectomy , fear riding her shoulders . The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky . A thought struck her . . . . what would happen to Lucky ? Although the three - year - old dog liked Jim , he was Mary 's dog through and through . If I die , Lucky will be abandoned , Mary thought . He won 't understand that I didn 't want to leave him ! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death . The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks . Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully , but the little dog just drooped , whining and miserable . Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital . When she arrived home , Mary was so exhausted she couldn 't even make it up the steps to her bedroom . Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap . . Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn 't come to her when she called . It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed . When Mary woke for a second she couldn 't understand what was wrong . She couldn 't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot . But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem . She was covered , literally blanketed , with every treasure Lucky owned ! While she had slept , the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favourite things in life . He had covered her with his love . Mary forgot about dying . Instead she and Lucky began living again , walking further and further together every day . It 's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer - free . Lucky . He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure . Remember . . . . . live every day to the fullest . Each minute is a blessing from God . And never forget . . . . the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials , the most money , or the most awards . They are the ones that care for us . If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours ! Live simply . . Love seriously . Care deeply . Speak kindly . Leave the rest to God . A small request All you are asked to do is keep this circulating . Dear God , I pray for the cure of cancer . Amen All you are asked to do is keep this circulating , even if it is only to one more people , in memory of anyone you know that has been struck down by cancer or is still fighting their battle . - Author Unknown - A man of 92 years , very well presented , who took great care in his appearance , was moving into an elderly persons home . His wife had recently passed away , and he was obliged to leave his home . After waiting several hoursIn the retirement home lobby , He gently smiles as he is toldThat his room is ready . As he slowly walks to the elevator , using his cane , the assistant describes his small room to him , including the sheet hung at the window which serves as a curtain . " I like it very much " , he says , ( with the enthusiasm of an 8 year old boywho has just been given a new puppy ) . " Mr . Jones , you haven 't even seen the room yet , just hang on a moment , we are almost there " . " That has nothing to do with it " , he replies . " Happiness is somethingI choose in advance . Whether or not I like the roomdoes not depend on the furniture , or the decor - rather it depends on how I decide to see it " . " It is already decided in my mindthat I like my room . It is a decision I take every morningwhen I wake up " . Remember these simple guidelines for happiness . 1 . Free your heart from hate . 2 . Free your mind from worry . 3 . Live simply . 4 . Give more . 5 . Expect less . If you like , send this message on … . it is the way we touch each other with simple truths that spreads goodness in the world . Who knows , a miracle may happen as a result … After all life is what you make it … Are you Happy ? Does your spouse make you happy , truly happy ? On a certain occasion , during an elegant welcoming reception for the new Director of Marketing of an important London company , some of the wives of the other directors , who wanted to get acquainted with the new spouse , asked her with some hesitation : I have lived and practiced this many times … . Happiness will always be found in forgiveness and in loving yourself and others . - … It 's not the responsibility of my spouse to make me happy . . . He also has his " experiences or circumstances . " I love him and he loves me , often inspite of his circumstances and of mine . " He changes , I change , the environment changes , everything changes ; Having forgiveness and true love , and observing these changes , that can be , big or little , but always happen , we must face them with the love that exists in each one of us . If the two of us love and forgive each other , the changes will only be " experiences or circumstances " that enrich us and give us strength . Otherwise we would only be " living together . " and listened more . I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded . I would have eaten the popcorn in the " GOOD " living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace . I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth . I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed . I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage . I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains . I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life . I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren 't there for the day . I would never have bought anything just because it was practical , wouldn 't show soil , or was guaranteed to last a lifetime . Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy , I 'd have cherished every moment realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle . When my kids kissed me impetuously , I would never have said , " Later . Now go get washed up for dinner . " There would have been more " I love yous " . . . more " I 'm sorrys " . . . . but mostly , given another shot at life , I would seize every minute . . . . look at it and really see it . . . live it . . . and never give it back . I scurried around the store , gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter , only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen - years - old . I wasn 't in a hurry , so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there . This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice , " Mommy , I 'm over here . " I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer , bicycles and school . I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement , because he was the center of someone 's attention . He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section . I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from , other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit . I told her that there are plenty of red , yellow , and pink roses in God 's Garden ; however , " Blue Roses " are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness . You see , Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn 't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness , then they 've missed a blessing from God . May I suggest , the next time you see a BLUE ROSE , don 't turn your head and walk off . Take the time to smile and say Hello . Why ? Because , by the grace of GOD , this mother or father could be you . This could be your child , grandchild , niece or nephew . What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family . One summer evening as I was fixing supper , there was a knock at the door . I opened it to see a truly awful looking man . " Why , he 's hardly taller than my eight year old , " I thought as I stared at the stooped , shriveled body . " Good evening . I 've come to see if you 've a room for just one night . I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore , and there 's no bus ' til morning . " He told me he 'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success , no one seemed to have a room . " I guess it 's my face . . . I know it looks terrible , but my doctor says with a few more treatments . . . " For a moment I hesitated , but his next words convinced me : I told him we would find him a bed , but to rest on the porch . I went inside and finished getting supper . When we were ready , I asked the old man if he would join us . When I finished the dishes , I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes . It didn 't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body . He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter , her five children , and her husband , who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury . He didn 't tell it by way of complaint ; in fact , every other sentence was preface with a thanks to God for a blessing . He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease , which was apparently a form of skin cancer . He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going . At bedtime , we put a camp cot in the children 's room for him . When I got up in the morning , the bed linens were neatly folded and the little man was out on the porch . He refused breakfast , but just before he left for his bus , haltingly , as if asking a great favor , he said : " Could I please come back and stay next time I have a treatment ? I won 't put you out a bit , I can sleep fine in a chair . " He paused a moment and then added , " Your children made me feel at home . Grown - ups are bothered by my face , but children don 't seem to mind . " On his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning . As a gift , he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen . He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they 'd be nice and fresh . I knew his bus left at 4 : 00 am and I wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us . Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice . But oh ! If only they could have known him . I know our family will always be grateful to have known him ; from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God . Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse . As she showed me her flowers , we came to the most beautiful one of all , a golden chrysanthemum , bursting with blooms . But to my surprise , it was growing in an old dented , rusty bucket . I thought to myself , We never get what we want , We never want what we get , We never have what we like , We never like what we have . And still we live & love . That 's life . . . The best kind of friend , is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with , Never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you 've ever had . It 's true that we don 't know what we 've got until it 's gone , But it 's also true that we don 't know what we 've been missing until it arrives . Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they 'll love you back ! Don 't expect love in return ; just wait for it to grow in their heart , But if it doesn 't , be content it grew in yours . It takes only a minute to develop a crush on someone , an hour to like someone , and a day to love someone , But it takes a lifetime to forget someone . . Don 't go for looks ; they can deceive . Don 't go for wealth ; even that fades away . Go for someone who makes you smile , because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seems bright . Find the one that makes your heart smile ! May you have Enough happiness to make you sweet , Enough trials to make you strong , Enough sorrow to keep you human , And enough hope to make you happy . Always put yourself in others ' shoes . If you feel that it hurts you , it probably hurts the other person , too . The happiest of people don 't necessarily have the best of everything ; They just make the most of everything that comes along their way . Happiness lies for those who cry , those who hurt , those who have searched , and those who have tried , For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives . When you were born , you were crying and everyone around you was smiling . Live your life so that when you die , you 're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying . When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee , Scotland , it was felt that she had nothing left of any value . Later , when the nurses were going through her meager possessions , it 's quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital . One nurse took her copy to Ireland . The old lady 's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North A slide presentation has also been . . . And this little old Scottish lady , with nothing left to give to the world , is now the authoress " " Goes to show that we " " . . . . . " A mother is the truest friend we have , when trials , heavy and sudden , fall upon us ; when adversity takes the place of prosperity ; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine , desert us when troubles thicken around us , still will she cling to us , and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness , and cause peace to return to our hearts . " - - Washington Irving ( 1783 - 1859 )
" Life began with waking up and loving my mother 's face . " - - George Eliot " A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary . " - - Dorothy C . Fisher ( 1879 - 1958 ) " My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw . All I am I owe to my mother . I attribute all my success in life to the moral , intellectual and physical education I received from her . " - - George Washington ( 1st President of U . S . A . ) " When you are a mother , you are never really alone in your thoughts . A mother always has to think twice , once for herself and once for her child . " - - Sophia Loren , Women and Beauty
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My forty - sixth birthday party was just about over . The last guests were just getting into their cars that were parked at the curb . Elaine was bustling around picking up as only she could . Brian was helping her and Kitty , their daughter , was taking a last dip in the pool with Randy , her cousin . I looked fondly on my daughter . She was a younger version of my wife , Olivia . Tim , my son , was out in the pool area picking up beer bottles and Betty , his wife , was urging Randy to hurry up as they had to go home . No Daddy wasn 't leaving yet . Grampa wanted to talk business . Believe it or not , I was cold sober . I hadn 't been earlier , but I had seen Olivia with one of our guests when I went upstairs to the guest bathroom . She and Jim Pike were just going through the door on the left . They must have heard someone coming up the stairs , for they had hurriedly shut the door as I came around the corner . I had recognized Olivia by the little flash of the distinctive dress she was wearing for my party today . I continued down past the room and into the bathroom . As I passed the door that had just closed , I bent over and picked up a pair of my wife 's panties . They were damp and I knew they had just been removed . I went into the bathroom , did my business , and went back down where I could watch the stairs . What was Olivia thinking ? It was as if she was flaunting her lover in my face . They couldn 't have had time to do anything , for almost immediately Pike came down and went by me to the outside and the patio . Fifteen minutes later , Olivia came down . I 'm sure she wasn 't pleased to see me sitting there . She put on a good face . I think she suspected who they heard in the hall might have been me , but couldn 't know for sure . " Having a good time on your birthday , dear ? The kids and I worked so hard to surprise you . " " No , the party is it . Go out and join the last of your well - wishers . You shouldn 't be sitting in here by yourself . " " Whatever you say dear . " Pike kept as far away from me as he could the rest of the evening and was the first guest to leave . I saw Olivia on her cell phone about ten minutes later . The rest of the evening she stayed by my side . Tim and Elaine were taking down the banner that wished John Ryan a happy 46th birthday . " I think I 'll have a drink now . Anything for you dear ? Tim , you and Elaine join me if you would . Brian and Betty have left with the grandkids . " Olivia was across the table from me and shook her head no . I addressed the kids . ( Kids ? Tim was twenty - six and Elaine was twenty - five . ) " It is time for me to conduct a little business . You know I started the company when I was barely twenty . At that time your mother was right in there helping every bit of the way . But that changed . For twenty - six years I have been at the helm . I think it is time I started taking it easy . As you know , your mother has thirty percent of the shares . I have thirty - five percent and you kids each have fifteen percent . " The other five shares can 't be voted . Two and half shares to the company attorney and two and a half to the accountant . My plan , as of right now , is to step down totally . This is what I 'm going to do , immediately , as of now . " I 'm signing my shares over to you , Tim . There are a couple of restrictions . One , you must split what those shares earn every year equally with your sister . You vote them , and they in essence belong to both of you . The other restriction is that you are never to sell , give , or let your mother profit in anyway from the thirty - five shares I am talking about . " I had retrieved the shares from the lock box that was in the safe just before I sat down . I opened the envelope that held ten certificates . All were in denomination of 15 , 000 . I started signing and transferred the ownership to Tim before anyone could say anything . All three present started clamoring , and asking why . I held up my hand , " Wait , let me finish this . " When the chore was done , I reached into my pocket and pulled out Olivia 's still damp panties . I tossed them to my wife . I knew this was gross , but I did it for the shock effect . " I believe you dropped these in the hall when you were hurrying into the bedroom with Jim Pike . Did you remove them or did he ? " I didn 't let Olivia speak . " I know the answer and I was only making a point . Now , as to my future and what it holds ; yesterday , I took half of all of the money from your mother 's and my joint accounts . I did not touch the corporation in any way . You three own it irrespective of the five shares . I also had my name taken off the deed to the house and your mother 's car is paid for . She has title to that anyway . What I 'm saying is , I 'm making a clean break and leaving your mother . As to the why , your mother can answer that question . " I finally turned my attention to my wife . " Olivia , I thought we would grow old together . I admit I don 't have enough evidence of adultery to divorce you in court on that charge . I have observed you in at least one compromising situation when you weren 't aware I was anywhere near . My eyes don 't lie to me . I 'm being more than fair in leaving you well fixed financially . I just won 't be here . " " That 's correct . I 'll let you sue for the divorce , unless you want to publicize your adultery . Contact Pete Gamble , my personal attorney , and start proceedings anytime . I will be in touch with him occasionally . " Olivia sat looking at me . I think I wanted her to beg or plead , if only a little , to have me stay . She didn 't . I guess that hurt more than what she had been doing to me . In a way , though , this set me free so I could get on with my life without regrets . " Elaine , go get your Mom 's cell phone . If the last call she made isn 't to Jim Pike than I 've been sadly misinformed . Olivia ? " My wife didn 't say anything until Elaine came back with her phone . " Don 't bother looking Elaine . I did make the call . Your father evidently has been sneaking around spying on me . Everyone detests a spy . Twenty - seven years we have been married . It was good for the first few years , but it has sure sucked the last few . We should have split ten years ago . I guess I should thank you for finally getting wise and doing something about it . " " To be honest , most of what I know are just rumors and some gossip I have overheard . When Jim Pike showed up tonight and I saw your mother go upstairs with him , I knew then it was time to finalize my plans . Six weeks ago I heard that Jim was involved with a married woman and had been for several years . The day I heard this , I headed home to ask your mother if she knew who Jim was involved with . " I had no idea it was her until I came down the street and she was getting into a strange car . I followed it to a motel and watched her and Jim , whom I identified at that time , go into a room . They were there in the motel almost two hours . Tonight she couldn 't be faithful right here in our home with the family in attendance . She was in such a rush she must have taken off her panties before she went into the bedroom upstairs . " I shrugged off thoughts of my unfaithful wife , and turned to Tim about the corporation . " You take title as president . Move Elaine into the office as vice - president . You both are smart and know the business inside out . Elaine handles the finances for all of my holdings and endeavors . That is what she is good at . It is time I stepped aside anyway . With you knowing all of these new and modern systems I can 't keep up with , it will be a piece of cake for you . " " I don 't know yet , coast for awhile , probably . I 'll keep in touch . I 've got fifteen and a half million dollars in the bank that I have removed from your mom 's and my joint accounts . The properties that are held in the holding company I still own . Technically she could sue for a share of that and might win a judgment . I just split the liquid accounts as evenly as I could . I might start a little business or buy one . Something I can do and not work too hard at while catching up on some of the good life like your mother has been living . I would ask that you not discuss my doings with her . She lost the right to be kept in the loop as far as I 'm concerned . " I sat still without saying anything for a few minutes . " You know , most men in my position would really land on their wife if they found out what she did . I just want away from her . I have come to the conclusion that she is not worth troubling myself over . I have contained my hate and kept the thoughts of revenge to a minimum the best that I can . " Being as generous as I have , your mother will think she at first has won what she wanted without having to fight for it . I have the feeling though , her guilt will grow . It may take a long while if the way she has acted toward me tonight is any indication . Oh well , I guess I will go to bed . I 'm sleeping in the guest room . I suppose I don 't even have that right as your mother owns the house now . " I grinned . I knew there were a million questions my son and daughter wanted to ask , and over time they would be answered . " Elaine , I told Brian and Kitty that I was going to be talking to you and Tim . That is why they went home earlier . Tim , the same with Betty and Randy . They probably are wondering what this talk was all about . You can tell them when the little ones aren 't around . Kitty and Randy just don 't need to know . " Apparently Elaine did too , because I heard them go upstairs together and into the bedroom where Olivia was sleeping . I went up behind them and past them down the hall and made ready for bed in the spare room . I went to sleep with crying and screaming going on between Elaine and Olivia , with the occasional rumble of Tim 's voice . Then there would be raised voices again . I put the pillow over my head and went to sleep . I awoke , knowing it was much later . The house was quiet and I wondered how long the kids had berated their mother . I heard the door to Olivia 's room open . She came down the hall to my room . I pretended to be asleep . She turned the light on , leaned over and shook me . " John , wake up . I have some things to say . Don 't think this is an apology , because it isn 't . First I will divorce you as soon as possible . I 'll get the papers ready and you can sign them . I don 't love you . Maybe I never have . Who 's to know ? You have turned Tim and Elaine against me . I could hate you for that . That is the meanest thing you could have done to get even . Now I just want you out of my life . " The corporation and the property in the holding company , I don 't need them . Those damned things are what has come between us . I 'm signing my shares over to you . I am my father 's only heir . He 'll take care of me , so with what accounts you didn 't take , I 'll be fine . You could have taken everything and it wouldn 't bother me at all . " Look to one of your friends . I think one of them wanted this Pike guy you have been sleeping with for herself . She gave me just enough information for me to start looking into our marriage . I was shocked at what I found . " " Yes , well it had to come sometime . Jim is just the last one of many men over the years . It probably is Maryanne who wants him . She cheats on her husband and she can have him . There is always someone better and he isn 't that great , just exciting . So , what are you going to do with your life now that you don 't have a business and don 't have a woman ? " " I have no idea . I 'm going to take a tour of the country . I 'll keep in touch with Elaine , Tim and the grandkids , but I can settle down anywhere . " " I was joking . You 're too serious and I can 't imagine you having any fun anyway . Look , stick around for a week until I can get the paperwork done for the divorce and anything else that comes up . You can even stay here if you want . Keep your door closed at night , though , because I may have a guest in . It would be disrespectful if you heard me . Take care , John . I 'm sure you would be right for some woman , somewhere , but it certainly isn 't going to me you are going to grow old with . " " I 'm positive I did when we were first married and the kids were small . But then you wanted to build an empire with those patents you developed . When I suggested that you find something for me to do with you , you said I wasn 't needed . You said you were working to give me a good life so I didn 't have to work . " I started partying when I was lonely . One night when you called and said you couldn 't make it to the country club dance , and for me to go alone , I said what - the - hell and let myself be talked into someone 's bed . It was exciting and I liked it . I just promised myself I wouldn 't go overboard and would be as discreet as possible . It has taken you ten years to discover I was unfaithful . " You know something ? Everytime I was with another man , I would think my poor dumb bastard of a husband was working his ass off for something that would never be . How 's that for respect ? " That hurt . " So you are saying this is all my fault and I 'm just a poor dumb bastard for believing in you . Is that it ? " " That 's about it . Even now when you found out I was cheating , you planned on being generous . It hasn 't worked , and that is why I 'm giving you back my shares to the corporation . I almost think if I offered myself to you right this minute , you would take me up on it . How about it ? " " No . I may be a poor dumb bastard as you say , but on that I 'll pass . Olivia , you 've turned yourself into a slut so get out of this room . This will be the last time I sleep in the same house with you . Somehow I think you are going to regret how you have treated me . " I will take the shares to the corporation though , and I will sign the divorce papers . Just get them ready as soon as possible . " My wife turned and left , leaving me with the feeling that one of us was crazy . I just hoped it wasn 't me . When I got up , I made myself breakfast and packed two suitcases . I called Elaine and said I 'd have lunch with her and would stay the night if it was okay . I made a list of things that needed doing . This was the way I had always worked out a problem and as of yet , I couldn 't change . I called my lawyer late Monday morning , and made him aware of what was going on . Olivia 's attorney had got in touch with him , informing him that the shares were signed already , and in hand to turn over . He thought he would have everything concerning the divorce ready for my signature by Friday . I called Olivia and left her a message that Tim and Elaine 's husband would be coming after all of my things and putting them in storage for me . In a way I was being chicken , but who wants to be called a dumb bastard as many times as she had called me that . I didn 't doubt that I had been referred to in the same way other times out of my hearing . The way Olivia was thinking , she would call me the same every time she saw me . There was a surprise waiting for me when I went into the attorney 's office to sign the papers . My father - in - law , who was also my godfather , was there . We had never bonded that much , but he shook my hand . " John , we have never been close . Olivia has told me all about why she is divorcing you . I think you are wise to get a divorce as soon as you found out about her being unfaithful . " She is my daughter and I have to love her , but God she has treated you rotten . Understand , I think you have been very successful in your life with everything except Olivia . Would you always consider me as your father - in - law even though I won 't be much longer ? " " Thanks Perry . I appreciate your saying that . I will and you can count on it . " Olivia was standing beside her father and this didn 't set well at all with her . It was a short meeting and it soon broke up . I had no words for my wife . It would be six months before the divorce was final , but that didn 't bother me at all . Saturday morning , I took delivery of a three - year - old Buick four door sedan . This car was low mileage and the maintenance records showed it had been well maintained . It was a nice roomy vehicle and it just floated along the highway . I didn 't want to be driving a car that was apt to be stolen . I gave Elaine the keys to my Mercedes , saying the car was hers as a going away present . Tim and Elaine had a small gathering at her house to say good - bye . I looked fondly on Kitty and Randy , with regret . They would miss me and I knew their love would be with me always . Sunday morning I pulled out of my daughter 's driveway and headed out to Lord only knows where . I had never had time to travel anywhere except on business . I hit Route 6 and drove west . The plan was to hit 66 and follow that until it met Interstate 80 . The whole west was open to me now . These routes were dubbed scenic and I wanted to see if they lived up to their billing . I drove leisurely , taking my time . In the middle of the afternoon I pulled off and went toward a small town . I might even hole up in a motel if I found one , even though it was early . I guess I had been on a lonely stretch of road for about three miles when I approached a car pulled to the side of the road . A woman was waving her arms frantically for me to stop . I slowed and pulled in front of her car . She came up to me before I was able to get out . She was quite agitated . " Thanks for stopping . Would you give me and my daughter a ride somewhere ? The car broke down . It belongs to my abusive boyfriend . I was running away and I expect he is looking for me . Please help me . " I looked the woman over . She was pleasant to look at . Momentarily she reminded me of my wife . She did have a bruise on the left side of her face . " I could give you a ride to the next town , I guess . I don 't usually give strangers a lift . " " Oh thank you . I 'll get my daughter . " I watched as she trundled a little girl of about six out of her car and pushed her toward mine . She ran back and got a battered suitcase and a cardboard box . She opened my rear door and pushed the child in , tossing the suitcase and box in after her . She ran around and got into the passenger seat . I looked over and could see how anxious the woman was . She was wearing a flannel shirt and dungarees . Flannel in June ? The woman wasn 't more than five feet , five inches tall , and had thick dark brown hair . She was attractive and this was something I had never paid attention to noticing before . I mean I was married until now , and other women and how they looked weren 't ever on my mind . She was pleasant and even though worried , she smiled when I looked at her . " My name is Shari and my daughter 's name is Cindy . " I grinned . " It 's Ryan , John Ryan . I 'm forty - six and I signed my divorce papers last week . " I interjected this bit of personal information , not thinking and added more . " I won 't be free to marry you or anyone else for six months . No one ever calls me Johnny , but you can . " " With that attitude you probably won 't believe me , but it was my wife who was cheating . I found out six weeks ago , and I confronted her with it , treated her fair , and bugged out . She called me a dumb bastard for not getting onto the affairs that have been going on for ten years . I figured she wasn 't worth fighting for - - or with . So here I am . Now all I 'm waiting for is your story . " " Shari Metzger , married once , widowed by Uncle Sam . Had several boyfriends , but can 't seem to catch a good one . I 'm thirty - six and Cindy is five , almost six . She never knew her father . She was just a baby when my husband went overseas for the last time . That was supposed to be his last tour . It was . " Shari was silent for half a mile . " I honestly don 't know what I 'm going to do . Find a church and see if they will spring for a meal and a place to sleep . " She did look worried again . " Any where away . I only got fifteen miles from where I was living when the piece of junk quit on me . That sure isn 't far enough . He 'll find me for sure . He beats on me and the sheriff ignores my complaints . So I just cut out and ran when it happened this last time . " I glanced in the rearview mirror . Cindy was sitting there on the back seat straight up and very tense . The unknown was fearful for a young child . I had raised two of my own and now I had two grandchildren , so I recognized how she must be feeling . " Shari , I 'm a pretty decent guy and I didn 't ever think I would meet a damsel in distress . You seem to be that . Why don 't we travel down the road together for just a little while as friends and companions ? I want your little girl to get that worried look off of her face . When you have gone as far as you want to with me , just tell me and we 'll say so long . If you think your ex - boyfriend will find you on this road , we 'll change direction so he won 't . " " Okay , fair enough . There is a right turn a mile up ahead , leading into a small town ten miles from the turnoff . He would never think of me stopping there , especially after he finds his piece of junk by the road . I think there is a motel there as well . Maybe when you sign the register , you could be traveling with your wife and child . " " You got it . " It sounded as if she would be staying in the same room as me . Some people are just so trusting . If she was willing to take a chance on me , I could do no more than take a chance on her . I thought , only gone from home less than a day , and I had a lot more baggage already than when I started . There was a small diner next to the motel and my ( family ) traveling companions were starved . The motel did have cable and Cindy went to sleep watching a kids channel . We had a double bed , and a single . Most of the clothes that Shari had in her suitcase were clothes for Cindy . I lent Shari an extra pair of pajamas . She swam in them and thought the whole situation hilarious . When Cindy saw her mother happy again , she laughed and giggled occasionally as well . When Shari was ready to take her shower , I went over to the diner and hung out . She was in bed facing the wall when I came back . I took my shower and slid in next to her . Olivia and I had twin beds at home and this was an experience for me to be sleeping in bed with a woman . I awoke once during the night and I had an arm hung over me . It was nice . I went back to sleep . The sun was up when we came awake . Cindy was all ready awake and sitting up just waiting for us . Shari got up and she and Cindy went into the bathroom together . They came out dressed . " I want to shave . Would you go over and order me eggs and bacon at the diner ? Make it a cheese and spinach omelet . I love those things . You should try them . I won 't be long . " When the waitress came to our table to refill our coffee cups , I asked , " Where is the nearest Walmart or discount store ? I forgot and left one of my suitcases in the motel three hundred miles from here . My wife 's clothes were in it and she thinks flannel isn 't appropriate . " I was given directions . We spent time in the discount store . I urged Shari to purchase whatever she thought she needed for both her and Cindy . I went down into the auto section and bought a set of reflective flares in case we had a flat and also laid in a few tools . I didn 't anticipate any problems , but a screwdriver might come in handy . Shari was ready to checkout . There was precious little in the cart . I pulled her from the line . " Follow me . Remember you are my wife and I want you to have things to replace what you lost when I left your suitcase behind . " Shari giggled , because there had been no suitcase . The cart was overflowing and I purchased two suitcases to put the clothes in . The doll for Cindy wasn 't packed , and she soon cuddled up crooning to it . We traveled on down the road . I called home and talked to Elaine and Tim at least once a week . I just said I was wandering all over the country seeing the sights . I hadn 't told my kids that I was traveling with a woman and child . They found out . It was a month later when Tim rang my cell about something he thought I should know . I was in the bathroom . Shari was out . " Cindy , answer the phone . Tell whoever it is I 'll be with them in a few minutes . " " This is Johnny Ryan 's cell phone . May I take a message ? " It must have blown Tim 's mind to have a child answer my phone . I listened to a one - sided conversation and the obvious answers to questions she was being asked . " No , he is busy right now . I 'm supposed to talk to you until he gets out of the bathroom . - - My name is Cindy Ryan and I 'm six years old . - - My Mom 's name is Shari . Here comes Dad now . Bye . " " What in hell is going on ? Elaine said there have been charges on your credit card bill for purchases of women and children 's clothes . She has been fighting with the credit card company about the charges . And then a little girl who calls you Daddy answers when I call . Come on Pop , tell me about it . " " I 'm not married , Tim . You know I can 't for awhile . I picked up a woman and a child in Pennsylvania the first day I left home . Their car broke down and I gave them a ride . They are nice people and so we are traveling together making a vacation of everything . Remember I have always been too busy to take one . In another month Cindy is going to have to go to school somewhere , so I 'm thinking of finding a place to rent and settle down . " " Close , but not that close , if you understand my meaning . Shari was escaping from an abusive relationship and until we got out of Pennsylvania she used my name . We are traveling as a family so they still call themselves Ryan . Kind of like nomads of old . Don 't worry about me . We 'll probably swing back your way when school lets out in the spring . " " Funny you should ask . Mom dumped Pike - - or tried to . She took up with someone different and Pike was jealous . Pike got the shit kicked out of him when he confronted the new guy . Mom tried to interfere or stop the fight and she got knocked around some . Someone took pictures of the whole thing and she made the papers . Gramp is some disgusted and I think he misses you as much as we do . " " Not really . That last patent you were working on was approved . The government is interested . I 'm setting up a production line to build a prototype to submit to the military . This could be a real money maker for the corporation . " He laughed . " With your new family , you may need some extra income . Aren 't you glad Mom signed her shares over to you ? " " I figured you would . You dumb bastard . " He paused . " Those are Mom 's words for you . She said that in front of Elaine and got slapped for it . No one else in the family thinks you are . Remember that Pop . Say hi to your new family for me . " " Very much like your mother and attractive . Sometimes I call her Olivia by mistake and I don 't know why . She is ten years younger than I am , so I don 't guess she will ever be your stepmom because of the age difference . Take care Tim . I 'll be in touch . " " Hi Elaine . Where am I ? I 'm in the car looking for Colorado . We last came from South Dakota and Mount Rushmore . I 'm having a ball . We stopped in Medina , Minnesota and went to a polka festival run by someone called Big Joe . We plan on seeing his broadcast on RFD - TV every Wednesday night too . I want to see the Grand Canyon so that 's where we are headed . I may get there today or tomorrow or maybe never . Why ? " " I did mention that to Tim . " I laughed out loud . " I suppose you want to know all about my traveling companions . Shari is asleep next to me and Cindy is stretched out on the back seat . I 'm glad I bought this bigger car . " " Shari Metzger . She is a war widow and has had a tough time of it for the last few years . She was caught up in an abusive relationship . I came along just as she was trying to escape . " " Sometimes we have to sleep in the same bed because of the scarcity of the accommodations we find when we stop for the night . As far as being intimate , we haven 't . She is just too vulnerable at this time . A couple of times all three of us have had to pile into the same bed . Some different than your mother and me in twin beds . All of us wear pajamas . It is like camping out every night , only in a motel instead of a tent . " " No plans . Shari is looking for a place where Cindy can go to school . She was a convenience store manager before she lost her husband and works in one wherever she lights . After we see the Grand Canyon , she is going to be looking for a store to work in . " When am I coming home ? I can 't answer that . I 'd have to face your mother and that I 'm not ready for yet . I don 't know as I ever will be either . Different subject . How 's the business ? Tim said thing are looking up . " " They are . I think we will being paying $ 1 . 01 for a dividend this quarter . What do you want to do with yours ? Send it to you or bank it ? " " Good , maybe I 'll find a piece of property . The wisest thing I ever did was name you as my banker . What did you think when some women 's clothes showed up on my credit card bill ? " " At first I couldn 't figure out what you were buying at Walmart . I fought paying it and made Walmart produce a copy of the slip . I thought someone had stolen your card , but you didn 't call so I guessed the charge was legitimate . " " Hey , traffic is getting heavy . I 'm going to hang up now . Say hi to Kitty . I miss her and I 'm happy I have a grandchild like her . I knew how to act around a little girl the same age when I found Cindy . Babe , I love and miss you . Bye . " This conversation made me a little homesick and there were enough tears in my eyes to overflow and roll down my cheeks . I glanced at Shari and she was awake and staring straight ahead . I guess maybe she saw one of the tears , because there were a couple that had fallen from her eyes as well . I drove another hour and then I said , " You know , my son called this morning and my daughter called this afternoon . They both are busy and yet they take time to worry about me . They want to know what I 'm going to do . I realize I can 't just drive around the country the rest of my life . It is okay for the summer , but I need someplace more permanent . Tell me where you want to settle when Cindy goes to school ? " " I think I would like to go back east . I 've always lived in Pennsylvania , but I don 't need to . I don 't like it at all out here in the west . It is too far between towns and not enough civilization . You don 't have to be concerned about me and Cindy , though . I can stop anywhere , even out here . What I 'm trying to say is that you have given me a nice break from the cares that were wearing me down . I have a new outlook on life . You have been so good to both of us . Not only that , you haven 't demanded anything in return . You are a good man Johnny . I just haven 't got you figured out . " I hadn 't demanded anything , but I was having trouble hiding the fact that I wanted to get closer to this woman . I changed the subject . " Okay , let 's plan on seeing the Grand Canyon and then we 'll turn around and go east . When we get back to Iowa we 'll start looking for a place to stay for the winter . You said you wanted to find a job . It wouldn 't hurt me to be productive doing something again . " " I had a little business . I built it up from scratch and invented a couple of things . I paid too much attention to doing that and that 's when my wife found other interests . My son and daughter both worked with me in the business I started . When they got old enough I transferred much of the administration to them . When I decided to leave , I gave them my shares to add to what they have already . I do have thirty percent of what was left . Those were my wife 's . She felt guilty and transferred them to me at the time I signed the divorce papers , so I 'm still involved . I wondered if I would be welcomed to stay with Shari and Cindy Metzger . I hoped so . Sometimes when we were early and had a motel room for the night , I would lay down until time to eat . I would fall asleep and when I awoke Shari or Cindy would be lying there with me . Shari never did , but Cindy would lean over and kiss me . Shari sometimes looked as if she wanted to .
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" Okay , let 's hang the balloons up there , Ethan , " I ordered before turning to my mom , " and the cake can go in the kitchen for now . " We spent the morning preparing for the baby shower , since Julia was due in three weeks . I smoothed my skirt and pulled Julia into the nursery , " Hey , are you doing alright ? You 've been pretty quiet today . " I nodded , " Okay , but feel free to put your feet up on the bed if you need to . " She started to walk away until I held her hand . I smiled , and tried not to get teary as I put my hand on her belly , " I just want to say thank you for this precious gift . I promise to take great care of it . However , after the baby is born , if you change your mind about raising it , I will do nothing but support you , alright ? " She held my hand , before nodding tearily . I led her to the bed and helped her put her feet up . I went back to decorating for a little bit until Julia started whimpering in her sleep . I rushed over to her , careful not to wake her and felt her stomach … . it was hard as a rock . I kept my hand steady on the curve of her belly until the tension relaxed . I kept my hand steady on her stomach while I grabbed my phone . I changed it to the timer and started the timer until her stomach grew hard again . Once again , she began whimpering , so I gently shook her shoulder . Julia cried out in pain , and I put an arm on her shoulders , " Jules , listen , I think you 've gone into labor , so we 're going to take you to the hospital okay ? " We loaded up the careful , and I could only thank Julia for her timing . My dad stayed back to let the guests know what was happening as they arrive . My mother navigated while Ethan drove us , and I was in the backseat with Julia , coaching her through the next contraction . By the time we got to the hospital , Julia had gone through three contractions . Once we were all settled in the room , Julia spoke up , " Thank you guys for coming , m but I really just want Sabrina in here . Ethan can you call my mom and let her know where we are ? " Ethan nodded before walking out , and my mom placed my hand on my shoulder , before heading out the same door . For three hours , Julia labored on her own , we walked the halls , and used the birthing ball until it grew bad enough to warrant an epidural . She sits on the bed and I hold her hand while they do the injection . She fell asleep shortly after that , since it was now almost midnight . I follow suit , but I don 't sleep long because pretty soon , Julia felt the urge to push . I stood next to her , holding her hand as she squeezed mine tighter and tighter . I kissed her forehead , " Hon , you are so brave . You 're doing great . We 're almost there . " She cried out as another contraction came , but her voice was frantic , " Doctor , something 's not right ! I can feel it , please help my baby . " He ordered the nurses to monitor the baby , before strapping her down , " Tell them to get the OR ready , we 're coming in . " They all began to rush her out the door , and I felt invisible as I tried to get someone to tell me what was happening , " That 's my baby in there , what 's going on ? " Luckily , a nurse heard , " The baby 's heart rate is erratic , we need to get her out of there as fast as possible . " Before I could ask any more questions , I was ushered into the hallway , . I chased after the team rolling Julia down the hall , " I 'll be right out here for you , Jules . Be brave , honey . " I leaned against the wall and burst into sobs . As I was crying , I strained my ears for the sound of my baby 's cry , but none came . The agony was killing me , and I slumped to the floor from exhaustion until I heard a familiar comforting voice , " Sabrina ? What are you doing here ? " I looked up and was so glad to see Justin that I forgot where I was for a minute . I stood up and smiled at him , but the minute he wrapped his arms around me , I broke down into intense sobs . He held me tight , " Hey , hey … what 's wrong ? C ' mere , " he led me to a group of chairs down the hall . I wiped my tears as I sat down and faced him , " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to literally cry on your shoulder . " He laughed softly , " It 's okay , Sabs . What 's going on ? " I tried not to tear up as I explained about Julia and the baby before asking him , " What are you doing in the Maternity Ward ? He laughed , " My sister just had a baby boy , so I came to visit with her . " Before I could say anything , the doctor came out of the operating room , " Miss Quinn ? " I stood up , " Yes ? " He smiled kindly , " Would you like to come and meet your daughter ? " I looked back at Justin , " I 'll call you later , okay ? " He smiled wide , " I 'd really like that , Sabrina Quinn . " The doctor led me through the doors , and into a private room . Julia lay asleep in the bed and a small bassinet next to her . My eyes filled over as I stood next to her . I held her tiny hand , before I was brave enough to pick her . Gingerly , I sat down on the chair next to the bed . I whispered , " You sure gave Mommy a scare , didn 't you sweet - pea ? " I began to hum a lullabye until we were both sleepy . Fearing I would drop her , I laid her back in the bassinet . I leaned back in the chair , my finger grasped firmly in her hand and mumbled as I dozed off , " I love you , Esther Pearl Quinn … . . " Posted on June 15 , 2017June 15 , 2017Categories drama , fiction , Sims 3 , UncategorizedTags babies , drama , family , generation 1 , Hernandez , legacy , pregnancy , Quinn , Sims 3 , sims 3 story , sims3 , sims3story3 Comments on 1 . 15 Unexpected Arrival 1 . 14 The Master Plan ~ A . N ~ I realize I made a really silly mistake . I named Ethan 's girlfriend Quinn , and I completely spaced on the fact this was the Quinn legacy . Big Whoops . . So from here on out I have changed Quinn 's name in the story to Julia So I hope it 's not too confusing … My apologies XD After meeting with Julia , I did as I had promised , I spent the weekend trying to think through their situation and see if I could come up with a solution . Sunday night came , and I pulled Ethan aside , " Bud , it 's time to talk to Mom and Dad . I have a plan , but we need to talk it out as family . Why don 't you call Julia and see if she can come over for dinner . We cam talk over dinner . " If I was a violent person , I would 've smacked him upside the head , " Of course they need to know ! " I dropped my voice to a whisper , " This is your baby , their grandchild . You need to tell them what happened . " Ethan nodded slowly before walking away , pulling out his cell phone . I headed back into my room , to begin preparing for tonight . Before I was ready , evening came and Julia knocked on the door . As my father got up to answer the door , Ethan jumped up , " That 's my friend , Julia , from school . She 's going to have dinner with us tonight , but before you answer that door , you need to know , she 's 8 months pregnant . So please , please , just be cool . " My dad nodded , a serious look overcoming his face , and motioned for Ethan to answer the door . Ethan opened the door , " Hey Julia , thanks for coming . " He led her inside and she turned to our parents , " Thank you for having me over , especially so last minute , I appreciate it . " I stepped in and gave her a hug , " No , thank you for coming over , " I turned and motioned to everyone , " Why don 't we all take a seat in the living room . " My parents nodded , but you could tell the wheels were spinning in their heads . They glanced from each other to Julia 's prominent stomach . We all sat down and I put my hand on Ethan 's shoulder , " Mom , Dad , Ethan has something to tell you guys . " Ethan nodded slowly , taking Julia by the hand , " Uh , I 'm sure you can guess what I 'm about to tell you … . Julia isn 't just my friend from school . We dated at the beginning of the school year . She moved away , and a few weeks ago she moved back to town . That 's when I found out she was pregnant … with my baby . " My mom began to cry , and my Dad stood up and began to pace . I sat up and tried to be a voice of reason but Julia stood up , " Look , this is all my fault . Ethan is just trying to help . " I leaned next to my mom , " Julia has asked me to help her find a solution to their situation , because she doesn 't feel like she 's ready to raise this baby . I have thought of many options , and if Ethan 's agreeable . I would like to adopt their baby . " Ethan looked thoughtfully at Julia before turning back to me , " If that 's what Julia wants , I 'm happy to oblige . Obviously , I 'd still like to be a part of this baby 's life , but maybe more as Uncle Ethan , than Daddy . " Julia threw her arms around him , sobbing her thanks onto his shoulder . My dad stopped pacing long enough to face me , " Are you ready to raise this baby , Sabrina ? You 've just gotten on with your life after the Raj debacle . You have a part - time job , and you still live at home . " I took a deep breath , trying not to get defensive . My dad meant well , and he was still in shock . I sat a little more forward on the couch , " You 're right , I might not be ready now for this baby , but I have an entire month to get ready . My job is minimum wage , but I searched all over Simslist this weekend and I found a couple jobs that seemed decent . Because I live at home , I 've had the chance to save everything I earned as a receptionist for the last two years . In my bank account , I have nearly $ 10 , 000 saved up . I 'll be going apartment hunting this week . I want to help , Dad and I know you 're concerned , but I 'm doing this with or without your support . " As I grew silent , my mother stood up , " We 'll support you , Sabrina . What you 're doing is a very thoughtful and a generous gift . Julia , are you okay with Sabrina 's plan ? " Julia turned towards me , tears streaming down her cheek , " Yes . I can 't imagine a kinder person to raise this baby . I 'm sure my mom will be agreeable to this if she 's allowed to have contact with the baby ; but even if she 's not okay with this plan , this is what I want to do . " We hugged , and the rest of the evening was a little awkward but it went on without any issues . The next morning , I set out on an apartment hunt , barely containing my excitement . I nearly floated from place to place , not even bothered by the fact that I was walking around town in the dead of summer . After a week of apartment hunting and job interviews , luck had turned my way . I managed to score a sweet summer deal on a new apartment across town . It would be a 20 minute drive to my parents , but I was so ecstatic with this place I didn 't even care . The minute I paid for and signed the year - long lease , I began to cry and my new landlord just stared at me like I was crazy . He didn 't understand ! This was the first time in my life that I was actually independent . I didn 't have to ask someone for money to buy clothes , no more using my parents ' money to go grocery shopping . This was it , I was a grown up ! Filled with newfound sense of independence , I spent that week moving in , and when it was all finished , I had everyone over for the big reveal , Julia included . My mom had tears in her eyes as she hugged me , " Hon , I am so proud of you . There is not a minute that goes by that I don 't regret not being able to celebrate life 's milestones with you , but today , I 'm glad to be standing here with you . You 're going to be a wonderful mother , " she kissed my forehead , but we were both bawling at this point , " I 'm only a phone call away if you need anything , okay Sabrina ? " I nodded through my tears and we joined the everyone in the small living area . After everyone left that evening , I looked around at my little apartment . It wasn 't much , but it was mine , and I couldn 't have been happier . I fell fast asleep that night , fully embracing my newfound independence . I take a long sip of my coffee as I gaze over the ocean . Every day , I 'm flabbergasted by the view from our deck . I wait by the phone for the weekly call from Raj . Ever since the incident last month , we checked in with each other weekly . My phone rang , not 5 minutes later , Raj 's voice filling my ears , " Morning , pal " We talked about the random things in our life , until we were getting ready to end the call . His voice grew serious , He laughed , " Don 't worry about me , I 'm getting a fresh start with a cousin in Bridgeport . I 'll keep in touch , but you need to be able to move on and start your life . I appreciate every thing you have done for me , more than you can know , but I 'm holding you back . You 're a great woman Sabrina , and I will always love you . " He hung up the phone shortly thereafter , leaving me in a peaceful silence . Instead of feeling sad , or hurt like I expected , I felt …… . relieved . I could finally get on with my life . I stumbled into the house , accidentally slamming the door behind me . I threw my backpack on the ground , finally noticing my sister in the corner . She stood there watching me curiously , " What 's wrong , bud ? " I shrugged , before turning and heading into the kitchen . She didn 't let me get very far . She practically dragged me into her room and pushed me into the chair , " Seriously , Ethan , what 's wrong . You haven 't been yourself lately and now you 're skipping school ? " My head hung low , I surprised myself by breaking into huge gasping sobs . When I could finally speak , I raised my head and met her eyes , " Back at the beginning of the school year , I met this really awesome girl , Quinn . We were together for a little while , but she moved back in with her Dad in Twinbrook over the winter break . " Sabrina cocked her head at me , but I wasn 't finished , " Well a week ago , she moved back in with her mom , because … she 's pregnant . Like really pregnant , Sabs . " I ran over and gave her a hug , feeling like a lost little kid . I whispered , " Thank you . I 'm so glad you 're my sister . " 3 days after talking with my brother , I made plans to meet with Quinn at the local cafe in town . Ethan had plans to meet up with us later , but I thought it best to start off with just the two of us girls . A little bit early , I grabbed a coffee and waited , my mind racing . I ran through every possible scenario , trying not to form any opinions before I met this girl . I took a deep breath , trying to not come across as judgmental . The bell chimed as the cafe door opened to show a young girl , very pregnant . I stood up and stretched out my hand , " You must be Quinn . I 'm Sabrina " Quinn stiffly took my hand , being very careful to keep her guard up , " Yes , I 'm Quinn . It 's nice to meet you . " Soon after , we were called to our table where our lunch was waiting . A pause filled the air as we both ate . When we were through with our meal , I began to slowly ask her some more questions , " So , do you know whether the baby is a boy or a girl ? " Quinn stood up angrily , leaning against the table " I can barely take care of myself , and my mother is always working . I don 't even get to see her on the weekends , she travels to Bridgeport to stay with her boyfriend . How am I supposed to raise a baby ? " She broke down into sobs , so I led her back to the private area where we had first met , . When she had gained her composure she whispered , " He found the pregnancy test I took before I had the chance to tell him . He let me stay with him until the end of the school year , and then he kicked me out , so here I am . I grabbed her hand , " I don 't know how I can help you , Quinn , but that doesn 't mean I won 't . I 'll give you and Ethan some time to catch up , and I 'll spend the weekend brainstorming . Together , we can work out a plan of action , okay ? " A . N ~ I 'm baaack … Thank you all for putting up with me . I know I 'm not the most consistent of writers , but I appreciate your loyalty . Without further ado … . the next chapter is ready ! I sat up , " Oh , I 'm so sorry , Justin . I 'm not bored , I promise . Just tired . This must be the worst date you 've ever been on . I promise I 'm not usually so boring . " Justin waved me off , " Don 't even worry about it . On my wife and I 's second date , she sneezed right into my mouth as I kissed her for the first time . It was pretty gross . " I laughed softly before falling quiet , and he did the same before saying , " I made this awkward , huh ? By talking about my dead wife on the first date . I guess we 're both excellent at dating , right ? " He laid back against the sand but turned to look at me , " When I first saw her , she had the most amazing smile . You could be having the worst day of your life , but the moment you saw her , all your troubles would melt away . We met at our college orientation . She was leading the freshman group I was in . It wasn 't until the spring semester that I worked up the nerve to ask her out . Three years later , she became my wife . " He leaned in close , lingering dangerously near my face , " Sabrina , I 'd very much like to kiss you right now . " I nodded slowly before his lips met mine . With a passion and tenderness I 'd never felt before , Justin 's kiss sent my spine tingling . I 'll be honest , it was not a short kiss and when I pulled away , I couldn 't stop smiling . For a while , we just sat next to each other , watching the sunset across the ocean . When it was time to pack up , Justin helped me to my car before leaning in to kiss me one more time . He grinned mischievously at me before opening the door for me , " Wanna join Cassidy and I for dinner on Sunday ? " I smiled warmly , " Sure , but only if you agree to have dinner with me and my family on the following Sunday . " He laughed , " It 's a deal , Sabs . " We parted with the promise of next weekend in the air . My spirits were high as I parked the car in the garage and made the short walk to the house . All of a sudden , chills ran down my spine as I spotted a figure standing at the top of the driveway . They were far enough away that I couldn 't see who it was , but I wasn 't about to let them know that . I bolted for the front door , but the voice stopped me in my tracks , " Wait , Lauryn . Don 't go . " I whipped around and began to tremble , " Raj ? " , before I walked closer to the hidden figure . He shrugged , looking completely different . Instead of his fancy suits , he wore some ratty old sweatpants and a t shirt . His face wasn 't as clean as I 'd remembered . I whispered , " I must be dreaming , right ? " I surprised myself by throwing my arms around him , " I though you had died ! I 'm so happy that you 're alive ! Why did they say you were dead ? " He hung his head , " Lauryn , I am so ashamed of the way I treated you . I had no right to smack you around or bully you . Hell ! I shot you , Lauryn ! I wish I could blame it on the alcohol , but I 'm really just an asshole with a drinking problem . " He closed his eyes and started bawling , " I 'm so sorry . I woke up in the hospital , and I begged the doctor to tell you I was dead . I told him you were better off if I was dead . Once I was well enough to go home , I was arrested for battering you , and I spent 6 months in Sunset Valley Correctional Facility . You 're probably wondering why I 'm here now , and why I 'm telling you this . " I nodded softly before he continued , " I 'm 2 years sober now , and I go to meetings every day . Part of the reason I 'm here is because one of the twelve steps is to make amends , and I just wanted you to know how truly sorry I am , Lauryn . " I took his hands in mine , " So much has happened in the 2 years that we 've been apart . First things first , I found out that I was kidnapped by our family 's housekeeper and my name is Sabrina . " I laughed at the shocked look on his face , " I know , imagine how I felt . " He grew serious , " I know that I have no right to ask this , but did the baby survive ? " My eyes filled with tears , and I shook my head , " No . He died before I made it to the hospital . " Raj started crying again , " It was a boy ? " I nodded before wiping my own tears away , this was too much . Emotionally , and physically , " Raj , I 'm glad you 're okay , but I think it 's time you left . I need some space to process this , and I think you do too . " He nodded understandingly , " Laur - . . umm Sabrina ? Here 's my new number , in case you need anything . " He handed me his card , and walked off down the road . I growled in frustration as my phone buzzed for the billionth time . I hardly glanced down , knowing it would be from Nicolai , but not really caring anymore . You 'd think he would have gotten the hint after 20 unanswered voicemails and three times that in unanswered texts and emails . It had been cute at first , but it soon began to annoy me to no end . Just as I was about to turn off my phone , it began to ring , I groaned but was presently surprised to see Justin 's name pop up . We had grown to be close friends after our skating encounter in the park , I answered happily , " Hello ? " With shrieks of joy in the background , Justin 's panicked tone reached me , " Hey , Sabrina . I need your help . There are 6 little girls at my house and I have absolutely no idea what to do with them . " I smiled , " I think I know just the thing . It ; s going to be a hot one later today , so sprinklers on in the yard are always fun . Let 's see …… I got it ! I 'll come drop off my old makeup stuff and they can mess around with it and give each other makeovers . Until I get there , why don 't you pop some popcorn and let your daughter pick out a movie and they can pretend they 're at the movies . " In record time , I grabbed my makeup , picked up the pizza and was on my way to Justin 's house . I yelled angrily as someone shot out in front of my car . I slammed on the brakes , and barely stopped in time . The guy turned to face me , and I saw his face light up … Nicolai … He blocked me as I tried to drive off , knowing I couldn 't go around him due to oncoming traffic . He tapped on my window and I nearly growled at him , " What do you want , Nicolai ? " He grinned at me , " Baby , I miss you . Why won 't you answer me ? " I snapped at him , " Your pouty baby voice is not cute , Nicolai , it just shows you for the spoiled rotten , elf - centered , celebrity that you are . Now please take a hint and leave me alone ! " He opened his mouth to pleaded with me , but I pressed the horn until he turned and walked away . As soon as he was gone , I sped off towards Justin 's house , trying to put the whole thing behind me . When I left later that evening , Justin walked me out to my car , even though I insisted I was fine . We got closer to my car , only to see that my window had been smashed by a rock with a note attached . You 'll be sorry , it read . Justing grabbed my hand and pulled me away , " What 's that about , Sabrina ? Is someone bothering you ? " He snorted indignantly , " Like hell you will , Sabrina ! He threw a rock and broke your window . Something tells me he might be serious about this , okay ? Just let me give you a ride home . It 'll help me sleep better tonight . " He nodded , " Well then I guess I 'll have 7 ladies sleeping over tonight . " I blushed furiously , thankful for the darkness that hid my face . I acquiesced and followed him into the house . He led me to the second guest room before showing me where the bathroom was . I thanked him shyly before flopping down onto the bed . I texted my mom to let her know where I was before falling into a fitful sleep . I was awoken in the morning by six tiny giggles and six loud thumps outside the door . Justin knocked softly , waiting for my reply before poking his head in the door , " Hey , I hate to make you sneak out , but I 'd rather not have these girls telling their parents that I had a lady friend over while they were here , plus Cassidy might get the wrong idea . I have never had anyone else spend the night ever since … . " He whispered his thanks before closing the door . I sat on the bed , wondering why there was this hurt feeling in my stomach . It 's not like we were together , and it 's not like I was sneaking out after a one - night stand type of thing . Why did it feel like he was so embarrassed by me ? I shook my head , trying to remind myself that this wasn 't about me at all . Sabs , Thank you for making the slumber party so amazing for Cassidy . You really saved my ass back there and I really appreciate it . I 'd like to make it up to you sometime , maybe over coffee ? Text me when you get home , and we can set a date . Thanks again , Justin I groaned inwardly before peeking out from under the blankets , " I dunno . " I rolled my eyes and ducked back under . I 'd been recovering in a domestic violence shelter , and they had put me up in an apartment with a roommate , Stella . The covers were yanked off of my bed , and I shivered in the cold air , " Come on , it 's 7 in the morning , let me sleep . " I sat up in bed before looking her dead in the eyes , " Don 't pretend you know me , okay , " I lifted up my shirt and showed her my still - healing scar , " I 've been through hell . My boyfriend shot me and killed our unborn baby in the process , while getting himself shot by the police . I have nobody , okay ? " I was crying now , the sobs leaving me unable to speak . Stella stood up abruptly and I heard her bustling around in the kitchen . Begrudgingly , I made my way into the kitchen and sat at our table . The first bite into my waffles reminded just how long it had been since I had eaten a " meal " . I stared down at my plate before apologizing , " Uh , I 'm sorry if I was rude . It 's been a rough month . " Stella put her hand on my arm , " Don 't apologize . I 'm sorry if I was too pushy , I was a lot like you when I first got here . I just care aggressively , at least that 's what my therapist says . I have been here almost 9 months , and I promise you , it does get better . " I smiled until I realized I was crying again , before I whispered my thanks . Stella stood up abruptly , " Well , I gotta get to work . Maybe try getting outside today ? Fresh air makes all the difference , when I get back we can binge watch some Simflix and eat all the chocolate we can . " I nodded and as fast as she talked , she was gone . I decided to take her advice and I tentatively headed to the park . I brought one of the books I had bought to read to Christopher , and clutched it close to my heart . The sun was shining bright , and I sat down on a bench , hoping no one noticed the still - healing bruises on my face . The sound of someone sitting next to me , made me pause in my reading , but before I say anything , or even look up , the stench of cheap booze filled my nose . I looked up to meet the steely gaze of my mother , my very drunk mother . I thought of all the horrible things that my mother had done to me and to herself , I nearly hated her for them , but I still could not , in any good conscience , leave her to find her way home . I pulled her arm until she sat down next to me , " Ma , let me take you home . How did you get here ? " I stood up , pulling her along , " You 're in condition to drive home , Ma . I 'll take you . She huffed about it all the way to the car . Once inside the car , she began pestering me with more and more painful questions , so I finally interrupted her , " Y ' know , Ma , you keep asking me about the father of my baby but in all of my 19 years you have not even mentioned my father . Not once . I think I 've waited long enough . " I had made a point of asking her when I was younger , but she always shut me down . I hoped maybe the alcohol in her might make her forget those walls . She looked at me with sad eyes , " I loved your father very much . He was a charmer . His big blue eyes crinkled when he laughed . " She looked at me and pulled at me for a hug . I tried not to stiffen , but she began to talk , " Oh , Lauryn , I 've done something so very , very bad . Something awful . I can 't tell you . " She nodded soberly , " Okay , but you can 't be upset , " she waited for me to nod before going on , " When I was sixteen , I fell in love with the star quarterback of the football team . Cliche , I know , but it was true . He didn 't notice me until a year after he graduated . We had one night of passion , and I ended up pregnant . " My mother bit her lip , " No , I was pregnant with your sister , but I miscarried in my 5th month . " My eyes grew wide , but I remained silent as she continued , " Anyways , I never told him about the pregnancy or the miscarriage , but I kept track of him as he moved on from college to his career . In fact , I ended up working for him and his wife as their housekeeper . " I stared at her , trying to reconcile what she was saying to the woman I had grown up with . I started to say something but she waved me off , " Let me finish , your father never so much as looked at me after our one shared night , but when he and his wife brought home their perfect baby girl , I was so jealous . I still loved him , and in my mind he was mine . I know this sounds crazy , but it 's how I felt at the time , okay ? I was given the care of their child while they went on with work and such , " She broke down into tears again , " One day , I realized that I might possibly love this child more than her own mother . She was so perfect , and tiny . She smiled whenever I entered the room , and cried when I left at the end of the day . " I nodded , trying get her to the point , " So after I came to that realization , the next day , I waited until they left for work and …… I took that little girl home with me , and we ran away together . I changed hers and my name . Her name was / is Lauryn . " She dropped that little bomb into my lap while I stared at her , my eyes widening by the second . Finally my brain managed to put together a whole sentence , " You mean to tell me that my mom is not my mom , but just some crazy woman who thought I was her daughter ? Wait a minute … . wait … a … . minute … . " She opened her mouth but I whisper yelled , " What 's his name ? " My mom look confused , so I chose to scream , " What is my father 's name ! " I turned and yelled at her , " I don 't care ! I 've taken so much crap from you because I thought it was my fault that you didn 't love , or because it was something that I did . You treated me like I was the problem . Every time you came home drunk , every time you brought home a new man , every time you slapped me , or called me an ungrateful whore , I still loved you , because I thought I was your daughter and that it was my job to care for you , but i was wrong , okay ? I have been caring for someone who has been trying to drink away her regrets , but now , I 'm done . If you weren 't drunk I 'd be the one to leave , but I don 't want yo to kill anyone by drunk driving , so please …… . . get out . When you 've sobered up , call me , and I 'll bring the car back . " After she stumbled out of the car , I sped off , making it home before bursting into tears . My heart ached for someone to talk to . I crawled into bed , back where I started this morning . The sun hurt my eyes when it came through the window . Stella had left some pancakes on the counter for me , but I was in no mood for eating . I got dressed before walking down the street to the library . The computer was open , so I made a beeline for it . I didn 't even know where to begin , so I pulled up my mother 's , excuse me , Maria 's , high school alumni page . I scrolled through it until I found the right yearbook . Smack dab on the cover was the quarterback , my father . I clicked on his picture , and it led me directly to his profile . I wrote down the current address and was out the door in seconds . Several hours later , one long cab ride , one short ferry ride , and one stop on the bus , I stood on his street . I took a deep breath and forced my feet to walk forward . His house was at the end of the street , and as I neared , I could make out two figures on the lawn . It was him , and his son playing catch . I have a brother ! Once within walking distance , I cleared my throat , trying to get his attention . He turned to me and I approached , " Um , hi , are you Walter Quinn ? " He nodded his head , searching me for some sign of recognition , " I am . How can I help you ? " I shrugged my shoulders , " Well , this is going to sound weird , but I think I 'm your daughter … . " A wide grin split his face before he motioned to his son , " Ethan , go get your mom ! " The blonde teenager shot into the house as I found myself being wrapped p into a hug , " Oh Sabrina , we knew you would come back to us . " Before I could correct him on my name , an older carbon copy of me stepped out the front door . Once we made I contact , she dropped the mug in her hand and rushed toward me . I was pulled into her arms as she began sobbing . I was crying too , not sure how I had made it here . I had gone from being all alone in the world , to suddenly having these stranger become my family . I clutched my mom tighter , sending us both into a fit of tears again . Somehow , everything was going to turn out all right . I shut the front door behind me , " Raj , I 'm home . " I kicked off my shoes and waddled my way into the bedroom . It had been two months since Raj had to sell his company . He had gone to a dark place , and most days he barely got out of bed . I laid next to him on the bed , sighing . He held me close , and for a while we said nothing . To supplement our income , Raj had sold the bar that he owned , but I managed to score a job as a bartender / waitress . It was hard work , and I was exhausted every day , but to me , it was worth it . I laid my head on Raj 's shoulder , " Baby , maybe you need to go see someone and talk about what you 're feeling . " His eyes pierced mine , " What ? Like a shrink ? " I shrugged my shoulders , " Maybe . I don 't know how else to help you . " He sat up and faced me , " What makes you think I need help ? " I sat back , " You just don 't seem like yourself , and I thought I would help . " He sighed and got out of bed . He wandered down the hall , and I heard the faint tinkling sound of the glasses in the bar . I began to undress slowly , my muscles completely fatigued . I laid my head down on my pillow , just resting my eyes . I woke up with a start , and realized I had dozed off . I hurriedly got dressed , knowing that Raj would be expecting his dinner any minute now . I bustled around in the kitchen , my protruding belly more of a hindrance than anything right now . Raj opened the door , " Dinner 's not ready yet ? " I shook my head , but he was already heading towards me . I cowered too early and he began laughing , " Are you afraid of me , Lauryn ? " I shook my head but still he towered over me , " you ain 't seen nothing yet , baby . Keep this up , and I 'll give you something to be afraid about . " He sent a swift hand across my face before he stormed out of the room , and I heard the bedroom door slam . I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I finished up dinner . I set it down on the counter and went into the bathroom . I locked the door and turned on the shower . I placed one hand on my belly , and one hand on my mouth and I began to sob loudly . I stepped into the shower and let the hot water relieve the ache in my muscles . I made a choice right then and there , to get out of there . I got dressed , and with a newfound purpose in my step , I headed toward the bedroom . I pushed open the door and found Raj snoring away , thanks to the alcohol . I tiptoed next to the bed and grabbed my cell phone off of the nightstand . I rushed back out into the kitchen before dialing 9 - 1 - 1 . I sniffled , finally gaining control of my emotions , " Uhh no . He slapped me , but I 'm not hurt badly . I 've had much worse . Raj tore the phone out of my hand , " Who is this ? " He hung up and grabbed me by the upper arm . His fingers dug into my skin until he threw me on the bed . He began yelling at me , " You think you can just up and leave me ? After everything I 've done for you ? Yeah well , we 'll see how you feel about that when I 'm done with you . I couldn 't believe my ears when I heard someone on the phone . She thought she could leave me ? That ungrateful bitch owed me her life . I grabbed the phone from her before hanging up . She and I needed to have a nice little chat in the bedroom , and she 'd never want to leave me again . She started whimpering , so I threw her onto the bed . I could hardly think with all of her sobbing , " Shut up ! " I put my hand over her throat and squeezed until she was quiet . " Just shut up , " I whispered furiously . I let go and watched as she gasped for air . She started to get up , but one smack across the cheek put her back down against the bed . The flash of the blue and red lights filled the room with a glow . I turned to Lauryn , " You called the cops ? ! " She nodded weakly , and everything seemed to go red . I brought my fists down on her over and over and over again . I could hear the sounds of the front door being kicked down . As I reached for the gun I kept next to the bed , Lauryn cried out , " Help me ! " I smacked her hard to shut her up . I grabbed her and held her against me before I put the gun to her head . The door opened slowly , and a voice called , " Hello , my name is Officer Walters , and I 'm here with my partner , Officer Zargoza . Is everybody okay in there ? " Lauryn whimpered softly , but remained silent . I called out hoarsely , " Anyone comes in this room and I 'll shoot ! " The crackle of the police radio filled the room , but no one came in , " I need to know that the lady is okay , alright ? I just need her to speak , so that we know she 's alive . " I could tell that Lauryn was fading out now so I shook her , " Hey ! Tell them you 're alive and that you 're okay . " Her voice was soft , but steady , " I 'm alive … . and I 'm … okay . . " I put the gun back on her temple , " I don 't want to talk anymore , just leave us alone ! " The officer put his hands through the door , " I 'm unarmed and I 'm coming in here so that we can talk , okay ? " I dropped Lauryn like a rag , pointed my gun at the officer , and growled , " Leave …… . now ! " The officer backed out of sight , but I knew it wouldn 't be long before he came back . I turned to Lauryn , the gun pointed right at her . Tears streamed down my face as I whispered , " I love you so much , and even though you make me so angry , I don 't think I can live without you . If I can 't have you , then no one can . " She screamed , " No ! " but it was too late . In the corner of my eye , the officers entered the room , but everything was in slow motion . Before they could raise their gun , I pulled the trigger …… and everything went black …… . I squinted against the bright light of the room . A nurse picked up my arm and checked my vitals . I groaned and asked , " Where am I ? " The nurse smiled widely , " You 've been in a coma for the last few days , but you 're in Glenn Terrace Hospital , hon . Don 't worry , the doctor will be in shortly to explain . " I nodded weakly and dozed off again . I awoke when the doctor entered the room , his kind eyes crinkling as he smiled , " I 'm glad you 're awake , Miss Hernandez , you proved to be a fighter . " I nodded softly , " What happened ? " The doctor came and sat next to me , " What 's the last thing you remember ? " I thought long and hard before answering , " The police were at our house , and Raj had a gun . Did he shoot me ? " The doctor nodded , " He shot you in the abdomen . He clipped your liver , but he missed all other vital organs . We were able to repair most of the damage done to your liver , but the liver will also continue to heal itself . He was shot by the police , and he did not recover " I gasped , " Raj is dead ? " My head spun with this new information , but I forced myself to ask the question that had been in the back of my mind since I had woken up , " Is my baby okay ? " The doctor cleared his throat uncomfortably , " We were unable to save your baby , ma ' am . The bullet tore through the amniotic sac , and he died before you reached the hospital . " Tears fell as I asked , It . . It was a boy ? " The doctor nodded before squeezing my shoulder comfortingly as he left to give me a moment to compose myself . II rolled over and sobbed until I was spent . I closed my eyes , and tried to sleep but it was no use . I was consumed with so many emotions , I was left spinning . I was angry that Raj had taken something so precious away from me , I was overwhelmed with grief for the child I would never meet , but I was consumed with guilt for being alive and not being able to protect him . I finally gave up on sleep , and tried to sit up . Bad move , the pain was unbearable , so I pressed the button for the morphine drip and Posted on February 6 , 2017May 20 , 2017Categories fiction , Sims 3 , UncategorizedTags drama , Hernandez , legacy , Quinn , Sims 3 , sims3 , sims3story3 Comments on 1 . 5 Desperate Measures Posts navigation
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For the last 30 some years Mickey has been in or attended a Memorial Day parade in Edwardsburg . I have done the same for the last 20 years . We shared this tradition with our kids as they came along . Up until the last , I think , 3 years we rode in Mickey 's grandpa 's model T truck . He no longer has it so we are now the people watching along the road waiting for someone to throw us candy . Today we continued that tradition . Luckily the rain held off long enough for the parade to finish . The kids each walked away with a sack full of candy . Here 's the sugar happy children . ( Meg invited a friend along , Grace . ) It 's the last day of May . This year is going by so fast . I 'm sure it will slow down in some ways with the kids being home but then again school will be starting before we know it . I would like to make the most of their time off . Anyone have any suggestions as to what we could do together ? I 'm planning to come up with a routine so we / they know what to expect every day but I 'll need some fun activities to throw in too . As the title states today was not normal . Mickey decided to take a " mental health day " from church . He ended up really needing it because his bad allergies from yesterday turned out to be a cold . My alarm went off and I felt terrible , achey with a runny nose . I turned off the alarm and rolled over . I had no responsibilities so I decided to take a day off too . The kids didn 't seem to be too concerned about it and watched a few movies while we lounged in bed . This afternoon we had Mickey home . What a treat . ( We were feeling better by this time . ) Speaking of treats I frosted two cakes for the cook out we were going to have for my mom 's birthday . I made carrot cake . Oh , it was good . We went over to my parents ' house and I totally forgot the camera . That worked out anyway . My mom does not like to have to picture taken . We brought home our nieces and nephew to play until their dad could come pick them up . Their little sister is in the hospital fighting pneumonia . We put on a movie for all the kids since they had been fed and it was getting late . The big girls played a board game . The littler people played with the pretend food and the trains . I couldn 't resist getting a picture of them playing with trains . No one really plays with them anymore but you can tell from the picture they have been loved for years . This is how we started out our day . Our subdivision has a little Memorial Day parade . The kids had a blast being in the parade . It stopped at the pool where there were all kinds of activities to do . They also had a Kona Ice truck there giving out FREE shaved ice . Gotta love that . Afterwards we went to two graduation parties . For one we had to drive an hour there and back . That made for a long day but I got out of cooking dinner . Today was the last day of school ! Yay ! I think I must be out of my mind for saying that but I 'm looking forward to actually being home for long stretches of time . The girls both had a good last day . Both had pizza parties . After picking up Meg I took them to the library , where else do I like to go , to sign them up for the summer reading program . In years past you had to fill out a paper form , were given a folder with all kinds of flyers , and were allowed to pick out a prize just for signing up . Now it 's all done on the computer . I 'm glad they 're saving trees doing it this way but why would I take my three kids to the library to use the computer when I could sign them up in the comfort of my own home when they 're in bed ? I wouldn 't . So we picked out some books and movies . Mattey 's library trip was a little more special . We filled out an on line form for her to get her own library card . She was thrilled . Her card is way cooler than my card . I think I 'll have to loose mine so I can get a new one . It 'll probably cost me a few dollars but it will be worth it . After I 'm done posting I will be signing myself and all the kids up for the program . I would love to win one of the prizes . Two days ago Mattey 's new glasses came in . I like them a lot better than the other pair she had . She must have had a growth spurt because her Rx changed quite a bit in just 7 months . Peanuts and Cracker Jacks are not sold at our little league ball park but they sell other yummy things . That is if you like junky food . Kade had a game tonight and we all had to grab something before we left . Meg was already at her practice but she walked over afterward . We told them they could get something at the concession stand later . Meg got a slice of pizza . Mat got two ring pops . And Kade got what he likes to get after every game . . . . a hot dog smothered in ketchup . Notice his full left cheek . He has a BIG bite in there . This is what Kade took to his teachers this year . One pot per teacher . ( My creativity and some of my brain are still packed in a box somewhere . ) The teachers seemed to like this simple gift . What woman doesn 't like getting flowers ? Especially from a cute little boy . There was also a little thank you note tucked into every plant . No more pre - school . Man is that going to be weird . Tonight Meg had a double header . That means we don 't get a good dinner . We have to sit on hard bleachers for a few hours . We have to find a way to keep the Reds happy . And the later is not always easy to do . We try to make them wait for the third inning before making a trip to the " confession " stand . Sometimes Mattey really gets into the games and will ask what 's going on and cheer for Meg 's team . Sometimes . . . not . Kade usually wanders around or digs in someone 's purse , usually it belongs to someone he knows . Their most favorite activity while at the ball park is play in the dirt . I 've probably posted about this before but it was something that happened today and they played so well together I wanted to document it . They like to use rocks and sticks to make rivers or streets . Usually they have some kind of imaginative play thing going on with all the dirt . They are really good at that . Meg won both games . ( I didn 't post about it on Friday but she 's been out of the boot since then . I need to go back and add a few things to that day . ) She got to play a few different positions , first base , center field , and short stop . She also got a double . When we got home Mickey wanted to try out the sprinkler system . He came in soaked . I think he had a little too much fun trying them out . Megan , of all people , has been asking and asking me to shave her legs . If you know her you 're probably thinking " What ? Not Megan . " I couldn 't believe she was asking to do it . I kept telling her she could wait a while but she kept asking . Today I surprised her when I handed her my electric shaver . ( I thought that would be easier to use than the other kind . And she wouldn 't waste 30 minutes of water . ) After a brief demonstration she got right to work . I don 't know how well she did but now she 'll have to keep doing it . The joys of being a girl . Irises are one of my favorite flowers , purple especially . I dug up some before we moved hoping to having a place to put them here . They ended up sitting around in a grocery bag for over a month . I don 't think they 're going to make it . I put them in the ground just to make sure . Last week when I looked in the flower garden in front of the porch I was trying to figure out what some of the flowers were . There were these tall skinny rods with a tight bud on top . I could tell they would probably be purple but the stem and leaves didn 't look familiar . To my surprise they bloomed and are purple irises , a mini variety . There a lots of them which makes me happy . I thought I 'd share some with you . The potd will give you another peek at our house . From the previous peek you could see we have a beautiful porch on the front . We also have a great deck off the back . I think we 'll end up using it a lot . We had family over for Mattey 's birthday this afternoon . I thought we 'd hang out on the deck but I never made it out there until it was time to clean up . It had cooled down by that time . It was kind of muggy and warm today . The kids enjoyed the yard and ate on the deck but the adults stayed in for the most part . I think we need to get some comfy and inviting furniture . If you see a good deal on a set of table and chairs let us know . Maybe a swing or glider too . Nine years ago today our first red head was born . NINE YEARS ! Wow . Mattey celebrated all day . She started with opening her presents from us since the rest of the day was going to be busy . She was thrilled with one of her gifts . Can you tell ? She took blueberry muffins to school for her birthday treat . ( They aren 't allowed to bring in unhealthy foods anymore . That 's not any fun . ) After school Mat 's friend came home with us . After picking up Meg we went shopping for a fun craft . We got flip flops from Old Navy and then got some trimmings to decorate them with . They turned out so cute . I might have to make myself a pair . We had pizza and watched a movie . Then we sang " Happy Birthday " to Mattey and had a cupcake . I heard her say a few times today that this is her " best birthday ever " . I hope they don 't go down hill from here . Happy Birthday , Mat ! We love you . ( I can 't believe this is the second post this week about the fridge . ) The refrigerator we " inherited " with the house is not my favorite . It 's a side by side . ( It 's also cream while the other appliances are black . ) Which means there 's not much room for frozen things because it dispenses ice and water . ( The kids love the crushed ice . ) The door is not built to hold gallons of milk so I can only have about 2 in the fridge at a time to leave space for other necessities . Even though this is kind of a complaining post I will say one nice thing about our refrigerator . It has a snack drawer . Can you believe it ? A drawer just for snacks ! It 's only about 4 - 5 " tall . At first I was putting the lunch meat and cheeses in there until I noticed that 's what the bottom drawer is for . Yes , I have to put my food where it 's " supposed " to go . After moving out the meat and cheese I thought about what I could put in there . Then I had to do a little grocery shopping . I ended up buying something that fit perfectly in the drawer . One of my favorite snacks . It 's also one of Kade 's . He 'd eat 3 a day if I let him . Mattey will eat some if her favorite flavor is available , key lime pie . Meg and Mickey won 't eat it . I 've tried . They 'll have to get their calcium from another source I guess . This morning we went to Kade 's Music and Munchies program . Let me just say I haven 't enjoyed one as much as this since the first one I saw . There were LOTS of new songs . I could only sing along with 3 . After the program the teacher handed out certificates / diplomas . There were no hats with tassels or big to do but it was a big day for Kade . He has graduated from pre - school . He still has three fun filled days left but the work is over . To commemorate this day he gets to be in the potd . ( Big surprise , right ? ) He went to pose with his teacher , I actually had to make him do it , and his little friend tagged along . That 's a good representation of his school career . These two are good friends and Noah puts up with all of Kade 's bossiness . ( I wonder where he learned that ? ) He will also follow Kade into getting in trouble or making a mess ( not usually at school but at each other 's houses ) . Now there 's a true friend . It 's probably a good thing they will be in different schools for kindergarten . Today and tomorrow are filled with musical events . In the afternoon Meg had an orchestra concert . It was held at the school for the students . It was at a really bad time for us to attend so we missed out . We 'll have to have her give us our own little concert sometime . Then tonight Mattey had a spring concert , singing . It was a nice little program with some fun songs . She decided not to participate in choir anymore but the 3rd & 4th graders sang too . Here she is with her friend . This friend is going to help Mat celebrate her birthday on Friday . To continue on with the music topic , Kade has his Music and Munchies program tomorrow . This is always a cute show . I think he told me they were doing new songs this year . That will be good since I 've already seen the show a few times before . I 've charged the batteries for both cameras so we should be ready to go . Last year I didn 't think about it and got about half way through a song with video before it died . Stools , that is . I picked these up at WalMart for $ 15 a piece . Not bad when the local " oak " store is charging $ 38 for one . The $ 45 is totally worth it . The kids love sitting at the island . ( Before today they had been either standing or sitting on stacked up boxes . ) Tonight Mickey and I enjoyed our dinner at the table , alone . Maybe tomorrow I 'll put out some candles for us and play some Yiruma in the background . I guess Kade thought our refridgerator started with a single Spiderman magnetEdited May , 17th . ( It 's me , Kelly ) I just had to edit this post . Poor Mickey had typed out three paragraphs yesterday , and on his phone too , only to have this first draft posted . Some time yesterday I saw Spiderman had made his way to my refrigerator . Later I noticed a lot of his friends had joined him . I guess Kade decided to do a little decorating of his own . I don 't really think that 's the look I was leaning towards for the kitchen but it will do for now until I know what I want to do . Today was Kaden 's first tee ball game . He had so much fun . In the second inning he played the pitching position ( obviously with a tee , he wasn 't really pitching ) and he got almost every ball hit to him . Every time he would field them and then throw them to first , of which the first basemen caught zero . At one point he turned to us and said , " I am perfect at tee ball ! " On another note , we had an AWESOME moving crew this morning . They had a load from Kelly 's brother 's house , a load from my parent 's house , and two loads from the storage unit all unloaded within three hours . It was amazing . Special thanks to all those who helped . As I mentioned yesterday I took Meg to the doctor 's office this morning . We were there a good hour and a half . We saw the family doc . He sent us down the long hall for x - rays . We went back to see the doc . He couldn 't find anything wrong with her foot so he squeezed her in to see the podiatrist that works in the office . Nice . His nurse came to walk us over . ( Every where we went Meg hopped . It was a little funny . One nurse asked her if she wanted bunny ears . ) We waited a little while for the podiatrist to come in . He checked out her foot and after a few minutes says she strained her plantar fascia , a ligament that runs along the bottom of the foot . He tells us the treatment . It 's totally doable and she 's able to WALK out of the doctor 's office . Now it wasn 't a miracle cure . . . I 'll let you see for yourself . It 's a walking boot . Poor thing had to get a medium instead of a small because her feet are too big . Now the leg part of the boot looks huge on her . At least she can walk without pain . She 's also supposed to take Advil three times a day and ice it . She goes back in next Friday for him to take a look . She might not have to wear the boot longer than a week . Like I said , totally doable . The podiatrist did give us some great news . He said her feet are almost done growing . Yay ! Soon we won 't have to buy her a new shoe size every six months . In case you 're wondering that is our new house in the background . Here 's a better look . Mickey and Chris went over at 9 : 00 and the house was empty and clean . They got the carpets cleaned and the locks changed . We got a moving van in the afternoon and got a load from the storage unit after picking up my mother 's day present . A washer and dryer . They 're pretty high tech ( what do you expect when my husband picks them out ? ) and of course energy and water efficient . They 'll do everything but fold the clothes . Now that would be my idea of high tech . We got the truck unloaded with the help of Mickey 's parents and sister . I have about half of the kitchen put away . That makes me feel good . At lPosted by We signed Kade up for tee ball . He has been looking forward to playing baseball for a few months , actually since signing up in January . It wasn 't fair that Meg started practicing over a month ago and Kade finally had his first practice last week and then has had two rained out . He had another practice tonight and got his uniform . Well , we bought the pants . He was so thrilled I had to make it be the potd . He has his first game on Saturday . He 's ready to play . The little pink circles on him are stamps . He won one at the fun fair last week and loves to put the stamps all over himself . Cheap entertainment , I guess . I told Mickey I 've really mellowed out because it would have embarrassed me to take the girls out looking like this but now I just don 't care . That really makes life a little easier . I personally love that he stamps his cheeks . What goes through his five year old mind ? Mickey picked up the key to our new house this afternoon . He and Chris will be going over tomorrow morning to clean the carpets . I hope the lady doesn 't mind being shoved out the door . While they 're having fun doing that I will be taking Meg to the doctor 's office because she has injured herself again . She 's been hopping around most of the week . I am in need of a hybrid car / SUV . Today was the fourth time in less than 2 - 1 / 2 weeks I 've had to fill up the van . It 's because I am always driving someone somewhere and it 's no longer within 5 - 10 minutes . It 's now 10 - 15 minutes to get wherever we need to be . The POTD is nothing fabulous but it 's part of our life today . And who documents getting gas ? Probably no one . If you look through the window you can see where I got gas . And you can also tell we had rain , lots of rain . It seems that where ever we go the kids manage to make friends . ( They definitely get this from their dad . ) Today was the second time Mattey and Kade played with their new friend . She lives two doors down from where we 're staying . Her name is ( this is the way to pronounce it because I don 't know how to spell it ) Nee - mine . She has the most striking light blue eyes that really pop out from her dark hair . She 's loves to play outside , especially with a frisbee . The reds played outside for a LONG time this afternoon while I cleaned out Jan 's pantry . Meg was at a talent show practice at school . I can 't wait to send them out to our backyard . Only a few more days left to wait . I wonder what friends they 'll make there . Happy Mother 's Day to all you mothers ( present & future ) out there . I hope you all got some nice appreciation from your kids / husbands . I did not get the one thing I wanted . To sleep until noon . It was nice to have Mickey home for the morning since his meetings were cancelled so the men could be home to help out . Other than him being home the day was going pretty much like normal ; someone doesn 't want to comb their hair , put on certain clothes , or just dawdles until it 's time to go making me a little grouchy . We had to get to church a little early because the woman 's choir I 'm in was performing today and we had to run through our song . That went well . At some point towards the end of Sacrament Meeting I look over and see Kade like this . Thank goodness for Mickey 's iPhone . I know it 's not the best picture but when would I ever catch him doing this again ? Probably never , since the compact is not mine . Mattey and Kade were both digging in Nana 's purse finding things to keep them quiet . Maybe that 's what I need to do , carry an extra purse full of all kinds of things for them to get in to . What do your kids do to keep quiet during church ? While we 've been staying with Jan and Doc , Mickey and Doc have played a few games of pool . I think they both enjoy it . ( They didn 't play tonight but I was desperate for a picture and wanted to document this activity . ) Mickey and I played one night . Let 's just say I 'm rather rusty . He was beating me 2 - 0 but I did manage to win the last game , only because Mickey scratched , but I did play a lot better that game . It 's not even Mother 's Day yet and the kids have already given me their presents . Wednesday Kade gave me a nice card in which he said I was 14 years old , weighing 6 lbs . , and that I liked to watch " bad guy shows " on TV . Okay . . . . There were a few other funny comments but I 'm not going to track down the card right now . He also painted a clay pot and planted a flower in it . He was really excited about giving me that . I 'll try to keep it alive for a while . ( The girls also gave me painted pots . I have the perfect spot to put them in the new house . ) This afternoon Mattey gave me her gift . She made me a beautiful card and told me how much she loves me and what a great mom I am . I was also presented with a little gift bag full of candies . Megan came out of school carrying a box . Actually a lot of kids were exiting school with boxes or other gifts in hand . Meg made me a cake ! Can you believe that ? Her teacher took them to the home ec . room and helped them bake 26 cakes . They frosted them and topped the cakes with strawberries . It was pretty good too . The kids were so happy to give me gifts . I turned to Mickey and asked what he got me , just so he felt included . He said he hadn 't " acquired it yet " . It will probably be a new washer and dryer . Every mom 's dream , right ? Seriously , we had discussed the fact that this year we wouldn 't be buying each other gifts for any holiday / celebration since we were going to buy a house . So since it 's for the " house " . . . . I guess a washer and dryer will be great . I really don 't want to wash clothes in the sink and hang them on a line to dry . I have much better things to do with my time . On a side note : We closed on the new house today ! We will get possession next Friday . We can 't wait to get our things out of storage and move them in . I forgot to take the camera with me twice today . I 'm a little tired and have had a headache most of the day . I wanted to take a picture of Mat 's field trip but when I was almost there I realized the camera was not with me . We ( Mattey , Kade , and I ) went to a high school and watched part of their Spring musical , " Once Upon a Mattress " . The idea was cute but the performance . . . not really want I was expecting . I 've decided musicals aren 't really my thing but Mattey and Kade enjoyed it . This afternoon we finally took the kids through the new house for our final walk through . They seemed to like it . I 'm sure they 'll like it better with their own stuff in their rooms and without all the boxes everywhere . This is the other place I wanted to take the camera . Maybe next time . So I 'm making dinner with Mickey 's help and Meg tells us there are goslings out in the yard . She goes out with a camera to take a picture for today 's post . She comes back without one . I grab a camera ( yes , we have multiple cameras ) and go outside . The goose family starts to wander off keeping their distance . I get a few shots from the dock but they don 't turn out well because the good lens is packed somewhere . Since they had moved to the water I thought I could get a little closer without them feeling threatened . Let me just say that that daddy goose was really on guard . He started hissing at me . Not loud but enough to tell me to stay away . He swam off to be closer to his family so then I inched a little closer to the shore . While I 'm taking pictures he starts swimming toward me , hissing . He 's not happy with me . Of course he doesn 't understand that I won 't hurt them . I just want a look . I 'm still taking pictures and I notice through the view finder that he 's still coming towards me . I 'm thinking I still have time to take a few more . He 's not very fast swimming or walking . Well , I forgot that he can fly . I still have the camera to my eye and I hear the sound of wings flapping . He took a flying leap at me . He landed about 3 feet away but I didn 't know thatPosted by Today Megan and I went with her fifth grade class on a field trip to Chicago . We got to ride in posh tour buses and were able to see many sites . Our first stop was the house of President Obama . We could only stand at the end of the street , outside the cement barricades , and were greeted rather quickly by a member of the secret service . Next we drove past a few sites and then stopped at Willis Tower for some quick pictures . Then we stopped at Navy Pier where we had lunch and walked around for a few hours . The picture of the day was taken during our walk on the pier . Our last stop was the Lincoln Park Zoo where we only had forty five minutes to see as much as we could . A day spent with a bunch of fifth graders wasn 't as bad as I thought it might be . I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit . Kade also had his first tee - ball practice today . He was pretty excited about that . Tonight at Activity Days the girls were having an ice cream social . Actually the ice cream was a reward for memorizing the Articles of Faith . I took Megan over for the last few minutes after her game , a 17 - 0 shellacking of the other team . Oh wait , it 's not about winning . : - ) Mattey ran up and told me she only got one scoop of ice cream because she only has the first four memorized . She got a little happier when she found out that Megan only got whipped cream because she only has two memorized . Kade stopped running around outside the church for a second while I snapped this picture of him with three caterpillars on his arm . This week we have three ( one for each kid ) field trips . It must be May or something . Today 's field trip was for Kade 's class to St . Patrick 's Park . We had lovely weather for it . Kade was very excited because he got to ride in a school bus . This is something the preschool does at the end of the year to let the kids experience it before going to kindergarten . Kade loved it . The only other time he 's been on a bus was when he was one , so he doesn 't remember , of course . At the park we were put into groups and taken on a nature hike after getting a shape to look for in nature . Let me just say , I really had to use my imagination , and I think I have a good one , on some of the things the guide pointed out . Luckily Kade had a circle and we found a few things without the imagination stretching . I took a few pictures that turned out the way I wanted but I really liked this one . So it 's the potd . This afternoon we were invited to Chris and Amanda 's house for a cookout . They asked us to bring a side to share . I do have a few dishes that go over really well at dinners so I had a hard time deciding what I was going to make . I chose baked mac & cheese because it sounded good to me . I don 't make it for our little family because I 'm the only one that will eat it . And I don 't need to eat the entire 9 X 13 pan myself . I usually leave a dinner / pot - luck with an empty pan . I had a little left over tonight . Now I 'll have something yummy to eat for lunch . If you want the recipe let me know . I don 't feel like typing any more right now . Meg had her first softball game this morning . There will probably be a few dozen more . Her team won , not that that 's what softball is all about but it 's nice . Her second time up to bat she got a great hit . This is her running to first . She shouldn 't really be looking at the ball but . . . . she was . I missed the next bit of action . I believe she tried to steal and got tagged out . Maybe next time . I guess summer has officially begun ?
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So this week has been a little bit different from the first two because Carmen , my señora had to leave unexpectedly on Monday to go to Cuernavaca to care for her youngest sister who is currently fighting breast cancer . From what I understand , the sister usually lives in Mexico City and had to go to Cuernavaca to receive treatment . So , the other sisters are taking turns caring for her while she is there . Unfortunately , that 's all I really know about the situation , so I 've just been praying and hoping for the best . What that means for me is I am lacking a señora for an unknown period of time . Luckily , Hugo and other Carmen live here with their 14 month old baby girl , so I haven 't been left out to dry . Things have just been happening a little bit differently than they would normally . We still have Comida every day , and they still won 't let me go anywhere near the sink when I try to help out and do the dishes , it 's just different because there are many times when Hugo and Carmen are upstairs , and the house is quiet , and there 's no one to ask about what I did after school or tell random stories about the crazy things they have done . Although it has been a different week , and felt a little more lonely at times , I have appreciated the opportunity to get to know Carmen and Hugo a little more in the process . Hearing about how each one of them wound up here , and the places they have seen is really interesting . Also , after hearing more about their stories , the random things they do make a little bit more sense . For example , Hugo is looking for a job because his last one ended suddenly . For the first two weeks , I couldn 't figure out for the life of me how sitting on the couch and watching Mexican soap - operas counted as looking for a job . . . but no one seemed to mind . All the sudden , the other day he came back from an interview and seemed fairly confident that he was going to land a great job working for a company that sells typical Mexican crap to giftshops all over Mexico and America . Today , I asked him how he found out about the job , and he said that when he was at home , he would read the classifieds and call the places while I was at school . He also said that they had just moved in a few days before I arrived , so it 's not like he 's been freeloading for a long time . It 's just funny how " actively " looking for a job can be so different here . I guess it works in the context of this culture . Also , Carmen decided to go out and look for a job , and had an interview this week . Pretty soon they will both be working individuals . In some ways , Hugo was just proving the stereotype that Mexicans don 't make work a priority . However , he was doing it within the context of his culture , which is the part we frequently forget to do when we look at other cultures . Once I asked him about it and saw how relieved he was to hear that he got a job today , his approach made more sense within this context . After class on Wednesday , four of us wanted to go out for an hour or so , so we stumbled into this restaurant on the second floor of one of the buildings on a corner in the centro . Excited to see the little balconies overlooking the plaza , we ran in the door , saw MTV on the tv at the foot of the stairs , and ran up . . . not realizing what we were signing up for . The linoleum floor that looked like it belonged in a rundown Walmart , the metal patio chairs ( inside and out ) were lacking cushions , and the 50 something year old man singing Mexican love songs into a karaoke machine with the words on the screen should have been signs that this was NOT the place for us . However , by the time we put the pieces together , it was too late . We had a table on one of the balconies ( meant for two people ) around which we crowded all 4 because we wanted to be as far away from the blaring music as possible . The tacky blacklights were a flashback to glow - in - the - dark mini golf from 1998 , and the singer seriously reminded me of Ramón from The Proposal . His expressions , enthusiasm , and overall lack of tallent were equal to the scene in the movie when she has her bachelorette party . Only this was real life . . . not even kidding . . . After we had ordered our drinks , I couldn 't take it anymore , so I sent one of the girls to go ask the singer if he knew any American songs . Everyone here does . Actually , they probably know more American songs than Mexican love songs . Unfortunately , he said no . . . so she came back and sat down . A few minutes later , he did manage to find one . So he came running up to our table and asked her if she knew it . We all thought it was a common song so she said yes . Next thing we knew , she was handed the mic , and rushed up to the front to sing for everyone ! Unfortunately , she didn 't know the song . Actually , I 'm pretty sure no one knew that song . So she just stood there . . . staring at the TV , mumbling the words while we laughed uncontrollably . In America , the singer would have taken over after a verse and covered for her . . . but no . . . shAs told by the title of this post , one of the highlights of the week was our dance class which started on Thursday evening . The class started , and we stood up and did these ridiculous warmups . . . for dance class . We were pointing our toes and stretching in so many ways that the professionals tell you NOT to stretch . . . but the instructor seemed to think it was the best way to warm up . So we went with it . Then the real class started . We learned some variety of dance that originated in Guanajuato . The only thing I learned that class was what a terrible dancer I am . Can you say born with two left feet ? ? ? I have NEVER been so legitimately confused in my life . We would be turning one way , shuffling another and then we were supposed to march in place ? What did that even mean ? What 's worse . . . it was all in Spanish . So sometimes , I didn 't know what was going to happen next , and she would start counting . Literally a tenth of a second later , people would all be moving in one direction , and I would be the awkward tall kid with the blank stare on my face . It was not a rewarding experience . I don 't know if I have a vindetta against learning traditional dance ( aka I don 't care about it ) , or if I was tired , or what happened . . . but it was not a successful hour and a half experience . Ironically , everyone else LOVED that class . They all left saying how fun it was and how they can 't wait til next week . . . I wish I could say the same . I think it may be time to say " bye - bye " to dance and enjoy a quiet hour in a cafe while everyone else is subjected to that torture next week , and every Thursday from now on . So it looks like I may only be doing 16 units in Mexico . . . which I 'm totally ok with . Especially because I am already dreading the " performance " at the end of the semester . And I am not afraid of the stage . . . just the dancing . After that class from you know where we were walking home and decided to venture up to the train tracks we walk under everyday on our way to school . It was really cool because there was a spectacular view of the sunset and the city in the distance . There were some concrete barriers covered in graffiti that made perfect seats , and we just sat there and hung out for a solid hour and a half . Twilight gave way to dark , which revealed incredible lightning in the distance , lighting up the clouds . For me , it was a good chance to breathe after an incredibly frustrating experience , and be reminded that it was going to be ok , even if being in Mexico can be frustrating at times . Someone busted out a guitar , and we just hung out up there , talking about the experience thus far . That was definitely one of my favorite moments of the trip thus far . Friday is always in interesting day because we only have class until 12 : 30 , and then we are free to do whatever we want . We knew at some point we were all going to go out and celebrate a birthday , but people look at you funny if you show up to any bar or club before 11pm , so we had a lot of time to kill . We all went into the centro for a while , seriously lacking a purpose . Random things would happen , like we would go to a shoe store and want to try something on , but the sizes are completely different . Keeping in mind , we are speaking another language , we tried to figure out the way the rest of the world measures shoe sizes . 30 minutes later , we have a vague idea of what may work , but the store only sells a select few shoes in that size because most Mexicans are TINY . A half hour only to figure out we don 't fit in . . . I could have told you that from the stares we get everyday on the bus , but hey . . . it is a whole new level of being aware of just how gringo we really are . Needless to say , wandering around the centro without a purpose sounds completely dreadful , but it is always an experience . Even figuring out what the ATM is saying is remarkably challenging . Someone accidentally donated 5 pesos to a random charity because at the end of a transaction , it asks if you would like to donate , and we just clicked through it without realizing what was going on . Several hours later , we 'd had enough wandering and decided to start to find a place to eat before we went out . Along the way , we encountered several clowns and a man on stilts . . . Turns out , there is a circus in town , and they were giving out flyers inviting people in the centro to come and see . At the bottom of the flyer , it says " suggested donation : 50 pesos . " In America , that 's code for " this is for charity and we aren 't really that talented , but take pity on us . " But , having nothing better to do , we figured it was worth a shot . We found where they were having the circus and stood in line to get in the door . As we approached , we saw a very small stage with a curtain pulled across the back . Through the gap in the curtain you could see some of the props . . . namely a large metal hoop . Across from the stage , was a section of very unstable bleachers , with about 7 rows of seating . Off to the sides were some more chairs and benches ( apparently they were expecting a full crowd ) . In my mind , I was terrified that this was going to be the biggest joke ever , and definitely not worth a 50 peso donation . Then the show started . There were clowns , magicians , a mime , men who twirled things , women hanging from the ceiling , unicycles , and a lot of flashy lights and music . Surprisingly , we were all genuinely entertained . The people were very talented , and even the clowns were funny ( and I am usually super bored when a clown takes the spotlight ) . It was so tiny and pathetic looking , but so genuinely fun . There were no exotic animals , and very few flashy costumes , but the slapstick humor completely carried the show . We were all very impressed by the end and more than willing to donate to whatever the cause was . I 'm starting to think we are magnets for charity . . . running 5k 's for the peace ( we still don 't know what that means ) , accidentally agreeing to support something at the ATM , and the circus fund . The funny thing is , it all happens on accident and with the exception of the ATM , it is a rewarding experience . After the circus , we wandered into a bar where we celebrated a 21st birthday the way it is meant to be celebrated Lots of friends , fun , and shots all around . We encountered the group studying in the same university from Oregon ( some of them are in our classes ) , so they joined the party too . It was super low key , but a good way to end the week . There was a pool table in the back of the bar , and plenty of good music , so everyone was happy , even the few in the group who have made it very clear that they have no intention of experiencing the nightlife of Querétaro . . . I guess we broke down that barrier in the first month . Well . . . these past few days have been a fantastic attempt to gain a sense of normality as I become more comfortable in Querétaro . The major event of the week was the start of our classes . It is really interesting because I usually have a class at 9 or 10 in the morning until around 12 . Then we come home for Comida , and return to school from 4 : 30 to 6 : 30 or 7 every day except for Friday . While this sounds like a completely dreadful schedule , I think it makes sense in the context of the Mexican lifestyle . We don 't have to wake up too early , which is good because EVERYONE stays up until at least midnight , and we are the loser Americans who choose to go to bed around 10 or 10 : 30 , if we can . Usually I get roped into sitting at the table with my family for a few hours in the evenings , so I am lucky to be asleep by 11 on a school night . I love them so much , so it 's ok . Later in the evenings is usually when I get the scoop on where good places to go to eat or study , so it is time well spent . Then , coming back home in the middle of the day is so nice . It gives me a few hours to do my homework before Comida , or take a nap ( usually a combination of both ) . What starts out as homework time , usually evolves into ciesta . But it 's ok , because as previously mentioned , evenings are quite late here . It is nice to get my work done before the evening so we can just stay out after school and hang out in the centro , which is my favorite part of the day . Class itself doesn 't seem like it is going to be that hard . My two classes at the UAQ ( the big university ) are phenomenal . I am going to learn so much about the language and how it relates directly to the culture of today . The professors speak clearly and are easy to understand . The history and art classes are a little more difficult because the professors talk really fast , and they both talked straight through the full hour and a half , so three hours later my brain was a little fried . But I think that is largely because it was the intro day , and especially the art class will have us doIt 's funny how nice the people are here . It is very easy to point us out in a crowd . People here don 't typically have blonde hair , blue eyes , and are usually a head shorter than people at home . Needless to say , we attract a lot of attention , though not necessarily in a bad way . People are more intrigued by us , and want to ask us a bunch of questions about anything and everything . I 've had multiple kids come up to me and ask me how to say something in English . Most of the students take English starting in elementary school , so they like the practice . They are fascinated by our accents ( in Spanish and English both ) , and want to know what we think about Mexico . They are very proud of their city and country , so they want to ensure that we are having a good time . At the end of almost every encounter with a stranger , we get invited to parties or asked if we want to meet them somewhere later on in the week . It 's really interesting to go sit with a book in the centro and wait and see how long it takes for someone , usually a student , to approach you and start a conversation . Usually , it doesn 't take much more than a few minutes before you have a new friend . While this makes it nearly impossible to do homework in public , I really like this element of the culture because it makes us more comfortable with approaching other people when we have a question or need directions . People here don 't seem bothered when you approach them , like they do at home . Everyone wants to be your friend , if only for 5 minutes . And those 5 minutes can prove invaluable because it is the best way to learn about where to go for certain foods , or what store sells the best version of whatever we are looking for . The past few days , I started to realize how those random encounters have been some of my favorite moments of the whole semester thus far . So , I am making it a point not to be constantly surrounded by a group of Americans . Of course , sometimes this is not practical and we are going to stand out as the group of 15 white kids wandering around and At 5 : 45 Sunday morning , my alarm woke me up . I threw on some running clothes and rushed out the door . Outside , I met 3 other people and we hopped in a taxi that took us to a race that we all decided to run . One of our señoras has a son who coordinated a 5k / 10k race " por la paz " ( for the peace ) . None of us know what exactly the cause is beyond the Paz , but we all ran for it ! And . . . 150 pesos ( just under 15 dollars ) later , we all got metals , t - shirts , and a great ( though early ) workout . It actually turned out to be really fun . We ran in a couple of bigger groups , and just laughed and talked through the whole thing . It was really funny to see 1500 Mexicans and 15 white kids running a race through the streets of Querétaro as the sun came up . It was actually quite pretty . And who knew that many Mexicans liked to run ? They are certainly almost all stalky to say the least , so we were surprised to see that many enter a race . Maybe " the paz " was just such a valiant cause that they couldn 't resist . We may never know . After the race , we all came home and just took it easy after such an eventful morning . It was my intention to take it easy for the rest of the day . . . however . . . intentions in Mexico are always just ideas , never plans . When I came downstairs for Comida around 2 , I was surprised to see 3 of Hugo 's ( Carmen 's son ) friends crowded around the table waiting to eat as well . It caught me off guard because the last thing I asked Carmen before my extended ciesta was " are people coming over today ? " And she was like " nope . . . just us . " So , I was a little surprised to walk into a fiesta after my ciesta . They were super nice , and the party just kept going after Comida . After successfully polishing off a few liters of beer , Hugo ran to the store and returned with not one , or even two , but THREE bottles of Jose Cuervo . Yep . Three . I was surprised too . Remember how Mexicans don 't buy things to save them for later ? The same is true with their booze . Those three bottles were all empty by the end of the evening . We hung out in the kiOne of the stores in Bernal So I finally found a place to go that has wifi ! It 's a really good Italian coffee shop , about a 10 or 15 minute walk from my house . There are lots of places with wifi , but you always need a password which means you have to sit down and order something , talk to the waiter for at least 10 minutes and then you can get around to getting the password . It 's pretty funny because everything happens pretty slow around here . It 's totally normal to just sit wherever and talk to anyone you encounter for a long time . I wrote a long letter with a play by play of the first two days to give you a sense of what it 's like here , but just got a chance to post it today . I wrote that entry only 2 days ago , but since then , I have become way more familiar with the city and confident in my ability to interact with people . So I 'll just catch you up on yesterday and today . : ) Yesterday , we had our orientation at the university . I totally slept through my alarm because my phone alarm DOESNT WORK IF IM NOT IN SERVICE . BOOOOO . So 10 min before we had to start walking , Carmen ( my señora ) was knocking on my door like where areee youuuuuu ? ? ? ? ? And we were supposed to eat breakfast together first . Needless to say , that didn 't happen and I threw on some clothes and ran out the door . Then we met the other 4 students who live close to my house ( in the same neighborhood more or less ) and walked to the bus . About a 10 minute walk . Then , we got on the bus and took it to the UAQ ( the university ) ( pronounced phonetically ) . It 's about a 15 min ride on the bus to the UAQ , so not too bad . Oh , and a side note . . . they drive like lunatics . I had no idea a stick shift bus could even go that fast ! AND almost take out so many pedestrians . The cars don 't stop for anything . . . red lights , crosswalks , people . . . animals . They just swerve to avoid . It 's pretty funny . Anyways . . . we just got a tour of the campus , which is easily as big as UCSB and they told us some of the rules and stuff like that . Nothing too exciting . Luckily , all of our classes are in one building so we don 't have to get lost on campus . I totally understood what they were saying , so class in spanish may not be as tragic as I had imagined . : ) After orientation ( around 12 or 12 : 30 ) we took the bus back to our houses to see our families and have Comida ( the big meal of the day ) . Comida is a 2 hour production sometimes , so I just sat there and talked and listened and ate for a long time . Then , the best part of the day . . . ciesta . We had about an hour to nap . Usually , we go back to school at 4 : 30 for our night classes . However , yesterday we didn 't have them . We will today . The good thing about those is they are at the escuela de Gabi , which we can walk to . No bus drama or anything like that . It 's about a 20 minute walk . And , it 's really close to the centro , so we can go out after school no problem . Because we eat comida in the afternoon , there is no rush tMy room is a master bedroom . It 's really big , with a full size bed , a closet , and a bunch of drawers . The bathroom is pretty normal . . . one of the sinks doesn 't work , but there 's another so it 's not a big deal . I live upstairs and one other Mexican student lives next to me in another room . The rest of the family lives in rooms that attach to the courtyard behind the house . Some are upstairs and some are down . There is a kitchen and dining room directly below my room , and a living room across from my room upstairs ( where the only tv is ) . We spend most of our time in the kitchen , just talking or entertaining the baby or whatever . It is totally functional , but looks like it is from 1960 . There 's an oven with a stove , a blender and a sink . No toaster or microwave , which is different . The furniture is all simple , and mismatched . There isn 't much emphasis on decoration or anything like that . Almost everything has a purpose . The streets are cobblestone in the neighborhoods and downtown , but the major roads and highways are all paved just like in America . Everywhere you look , it 's colorful . Buildings , clothing , cars . . . all of it . Interestingly , 65 % of the cars are pretty new and nice . If someone has a car , they are probably wealthy , and that is one way they show their wealth . Social class is pretty divided here , and you can easily tell by how dark someone 's skin is . Most of our señoras are upper middle class or upper class and very fair . Some would even pass for American . Because we are white , people assume we have money , even if we don 't . It 's really interesting because blue eyes and blonde hair are rare here , so people are fascinated by it . Here are some pictures of the city and stuff like that too : These past few days can be accurately summed up in one word . . . adventure . The random things that happen are hilarious , and trying , all at the same time . And there was an interesting mix of emotions inside each one of us , which makes every adventure that much more exciting . Hopefully this can give you a sense of what the first couple of days were like . It has been interesting ( in a good way ) to say the least . When I got off my flight from Denver , I was excited to see Starbucks and other modern touches that made the airport seem like it wouldn 't be a bad place to kill some time ( Thank goodness it wasn 't the Santa Barbara airport ) . After looking around a bit , I decided to make my way towards the gate for the flight to Querétaro , in hopes of encountering some friends along the way . I 've navigated some pretty big airports before , but none have felt as big as this one . I started in terminal E ( who knew that was even possible ? ) and had to end up in terminal B . And they were HUGE terminals . Finally , I wound up finding a tram that takes you outside to the other buildings . Yeah . . . there is more than one building . It was crazy . So , finally , I was somewhere close to my gate and decided it would be a great time to eat lunch . Just wanting a sandwich , I go to the deli where the lady yells at me because I had no clue what she was saying . The worst part , she wasn 't even Mexican . She just had such a thick Texan accent , and I had no clue what was going on . So , 9 dollars and a lot of frustration later , I had a sandwich . So , I walk towards my gate . . . and keep walking . . . and walking . It all the way down at the end of the airport that looked like it was built in 1960 and left untouched since . There was a serious lack of air conditioning , and 10 gates were in a circle , sharing one common seating area . There were no seats , it smelled bad , and it was at least a mile away from any sort of food , even the mean lady at the deli . The bathrooms felt like a cave , and I was afraid to walk around because everyone looked like they wanted to kiWaiting on the other side of the sliding door was Dr . Montgomery . After a greeting and a little catch up , we put our bags in a big van that didn 't look big enough to hold all of us . We were all prepared for Dr . Montgomery to take the wheel and all of us to pile in with all of our stuff and head off to wherever was next . Luckily , this was not the case . They actually had 3 of the vans for us , and we had more room than we could have asked for . No one told us where we were going , but we got in and hoped for the best . Driving into the city was cool because we got to see the aqueduct all lit up and drive through the centro on the way to meet our host families . Still nervous , but more excited we stared out the window , taking in for the first time where we would be living for the next four months . It was different than I expected . No tall buildings , and the centro ( downtown ) looked like an extension of other parts all coming together at the mission . Everything is in Km / hr and when they ask me how tall I am , I have to think about how it works in metric units . Things cost $ 100 , but really , that 's less than 10 dollars . It 's just totally different . Cars are all stick shift , and people drive like lunatics . Then we arrived at a big parking lot , in the heart of the centro , where our señoras were waiting for us . After piling all of our stuff off the vans , we crowded around as each señora said the name of their student and took them to their house for the first time . It all happened so fast , and before I knew it , I was alone with my señora walking to the corner to hail a cab . I was shocked when I saw her because she is tiny . Even for a Mexican woman , she is small . Of course , I am awkwardly tall here , and it is hilarious to see the two of us together . She introduced herself as Carmen , and rattled off a bunch of things that I didn 't understand even a little bit . So I just followed . Then , I followed her into the middle of the street and she stopped traffic to hail a cab . After we got in , she slowed down her speech when it became apparent that I did not understand what was going on , and we started to talk . Every once in a while , she would interject with directions for the cab driver . She seems like a feisty little lady , and she told him exactly what was going on . I was so culture shocked and lost that I barely was able to hold any form of conversation . I bet she thought I was retarded because when we got to the house , we went over everything step by step . " This is your bathroom , " she would say as she pointed to various things with specific directions for how to do things . I was just grateful to understand , so I didn 't feel belittled or anything like that . Then we came down to the kitchen and she showed me where everything is , asked what I like to eat , and I tried to give her a very general sense in broken Spanish as best I could . It is such a vague question , and really hard to answer in a foreign language . But she was so nice through the whole experience . I 'm sure she was dying too because I was so slow to answer anything . Then , I went upstairs to unpack while she fixed a snack . I was so overwhelmed by the whole day at this point , that the time alone was great to catch my breath for a moment . When I came downstairs , I was surprised to find her son and his wife sitting at the table as well . I figured out that they live with Carmen , and so do 2 other students . I couldn 't figure out where she put them all , especially because my room was so big and had its own bathroom and everything . Were they all like that ? My brain wasn 't functioning enough to form the words to ask , so I justWell . . . waking up at 8 : 30 is not what she meant by sleeping in . Carmen was shocked to see me that early and wasn 't entirely sure what to do with me . So I wound up going on a walk with one of the students who lives here . Her name is Wendy and she has a little taco dog named Galleta ( cookie ) . There 's a park with a walking path around it that sits in the median of one of the roads and is super long and narrow . I wouldn 't call it a park , but I don 't know what else to call it , so for now it 'll be the park . There 's metal exercise equipment at one end . It 's not all plushy like the ones in the gyms , but people use it all the time . There were so many people running or walking on the path , and almost every single one stopped to use the exercise equipment . None of them did serious work on them , but it made them feel good about themselves , so it was fun to watch . Wendy did too , and it was hilarious because she would read the sign that told you what to do before she did any of it . Each machine lasted maybe 30 seconds before she moved on to the next . I stood there and watched awkwardly , but it was pretty funny . And I held her dog ( he was scared of me so it wasn 't very successful ) . It was nice because Wendy is more my age ( 26 ) , so we were able to talk about more similar things . I still spoke very poorly , but I was able to understand more than I did the night before . After our walking adventure , we returned home for breakfast . Breakfast was eggs and toast , which we had to go to the corner store to buy on our way home from the walk . It was actually really good . Everyone ate together before going separate ways . After breakfast , Carmen , Wendy and I went on a walking tour of the city . Wendy is from a state closer to the Mexico / Texas border , so she is still learning how to navigate . Carmen took us all over the place . We walked to the mercado , the centro , a bunch of neighborhoods , the mission ( which I think is the center of the centro ) and everywhere between . At one point , I was convinced that we were dropping Galleta off at doggy day care , but we returned to pick him up a few hours later . He just got a bath , not day care . But that 's how most things happen here . I have a general idea of what is going on in a conversation , but I always miss one key detail and it completely changes the whole situation . It 's kinda funny because I genuinely have no clue what is going on most of the time . I just follow Carmen and hope for the best . So , after our walking adventures , a dog bath , and a water break in the centro , we returned home for comida . Comida is the big meal of the day . At some point ( I think in the mission ) we acquired Carmen 's other son and his wife and 2 kids and they came home for comida with us . Did you know it was possible to put 8 people in a taxi ? Well . . . we did it . It was hilarious , but I was over walking in the heat , so I was grateful for that stuffy taxi . After we arrived , Oscar and I walked to the Super Q ( similar to the 7 - 11 ) to get a few things before comida . Namely cerveza . Lots of cerveza . We came home with 4 liters of it . And the minute we got in the door , the beer was open and everyone was just hanging out , sitting on the steps in the shade , enjoying each other 's company . We sat around and talked for 2 hours before we even thought about starting food . I was kind of dreading the experience before , but it was actually super enjoyable . It was good to get to talk to everyone more and begin to hear about what they do and whajakepugsley
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Some little spots of sunshine out in my yard . Note to self - must plant more crocus . I spent a little time outside raking leaves out of my flower gardens and soaking up some sunshine . The days are getting warmer and I am looking forward to gardens full of flowers and leaves on the trees . When the sun was setting , all those who had any that were sick with various diseases brought them to Him ; and He laid His hands on every one of them and healed them . Luke 4 : 40I glanced out the window this evening to see the sun shining golden rays on the fields and orchards . It was one of those fleeting moments so difficult to catch with a camera . I am looking forward to this weekend when the forecast calls for temperatures that will lure us from our houses out into the sunshine . Maybe I 'll even find some new spring flowers sprouting in my garden . Last Monday was my birthday and a small package arrived in the mail from NY City . Inside I found a short note and a CD of a children 's opera written by my friend Judy . ( I already have a copy of her children 's book . ) She suggested I familiarize myself with the story before listening to the music , so I found a library book and read the story . Set in France during WWII , " Twenty and Ten " is about a group of French children who are spending their days in the care of a nun up in the mountains . In the course of the story they are asked to help hide a group of ten Jewish children also . The secret cave comes in very handy . " Twenty and Ten " is a story of bravery and steadfastness in the face of danger and adversity . I very much enjoyed the story and was encouraged by its message . Now I need to finish listening to the music my friend sent . Who knows ? Maybe someone will decide it would be a good show to do with some local children . " I have swept away your offenses like a cloud , your sins like the morning mist . Return to me , for I have redeemed you . " Isaiah 44 : 22Dark and dreary ; it was a good morning for sleeping . The fog rolled in mid morning and settled upon us like cool , wet blanket . The orchard trees appeared ghostly and cold . It would have been a perfect afternoon for sleeping too had it not been for all the traffic through the house between the hours of 1 and 3 pm . Both Emma and I gave up on catching a nap though Bella was able to get one . The fog has moved on now leaving behind a cover of gray clouds and wet pavement . My sleepiness lingers and a warm shower is in order . It is Monday and tonight the folks at the nursing home will be awaiting our arrival . How many names can I remember tonight ? Emily , Betty , Adelle , Dee , Lucy , Edna , Janet , Nancy , Kathleen , Florence , Mary , . . . It 's hard to believe that we have been without Dad for six months already . Though I miss him every day and memories often put a lump in my throat , they still , more often than not , bring a smile to my face . Life continues on and people and places change around us . It is the way of the world . We are here " but for a moment " and then pass on . I pray that I will learn the lessons God has for me along the way . I 'm trying . This morning I took Mom to have her taxes done . We appeared to be missing a couple of documents . I made a phone call from the library reception desk . The man on the other end wanted to talk to Mom . The librarian fretted over how long I would be " tying up the line " . I hung up instead of getting Mom from the next room . We went to the bank . The bank said there weren 't any documents for filing , not enough interest earned . We went home and called the first place back . Dad didn 't withdraw money from the account so there was no document filed this year . ( He always withdrew the money in December and wasn 't here to do it this year . ) We went back to the library to finish the tax return . We went to the town hall to file for a property tax rebate . I was missing another document ( non - taxable income ) . We went back to the bank . We got nowhere . We went back home again . I felt impatient with the paperwork , but told Mom this is a learning process and once we know what we are doing things will be easier . I hope I am right . The air is cold but the sun is shining and that is a good thing . My flowers are much more patient today than I . They are closed up tight to stay warm and wait silently , no whining or complaining , no feelings of irritation . They aren 't worried about whether or not the sun will shine tomorrow . I am learning too , learning to wait and trust that God has everything under control . " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow , for tomorrow will worry about its own things . Sufficient for the day [ is ] its own trouble . " Matthew 6 : 34 Hear the voice of my supplications When I cry to You , When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary . Psalm 28 : 2 It was bright and sunny yesterday but a cold wind stung my face and hands . My flower garden does not seem concerned over the weather . Fresh new shoots continue to stretch heavenward , reaching just a little higher each day . I couldn 't help but think it appeared as though they were lifting holy hands to their God and Maker . I am a rather private and reserved kind of person . I do not lift my hands in praise and worship during church . Though deep in my soul I want to , and I have done it , it is not my usual practice . It is my own pride that keeps my hands in my lap on Sunday morning and I am the one to suffer for it . Lord , forgive me . I want to praise You too . I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere , lifting up holy hands , without wrath and doubting ; 1 Timothy 2 : 8 Today is my grandpa 's birthday . We celebrated our birthdays together for most of my childhood ( they 're two days apart ) though I wasn 't always sure he knew it was my birthday too . ( Silly child . . . ) He 's been gone for almost eleven years now but I can still close my eyes , imagine his " grandpa " smell , feel his arms wrapped tight around me , and hear him call me his " little rascal " . And I still miss him . For all people walk each in the name of his god , But we will walk in the name of the LORD our God Forever and ever . Micah 4 : 5Last night I picked up a new book , one my husband found in the bookstore at church . It 's just a little book , " Continuous Revival : The Secret of Victorious Living " by Norman Grubb . The book caught James ' eye because a friend of ours had known Norman Grubb personally . Clif had been encouraged by Norman , and we were encouraged by Clif . I want to walk with Jesus . I can not go back to yesterday and walk there and I can not reach into tomorrow . I must reach out this moment and take my Savior 's hand ; only in this moment can I follow in His steps . I am learning something new about keeping my focus on Him . There have been and will be moments when I glance away and sink beneath the waves as Peter did , but in that moment I must make the choice to turn back , to look into my Saviors face , to call His name . He will never leave me nor forsake me . Choice . He gives me the choice . He is always there waiting , waiting to walk with me if only I am willing to walk with Him . This year I decided it was time to start counting birthdays backward , so rather than turning forty - six , I am going to be forty - four instead . In eight and a half years my son will have caught up with me and we will both be thirty - six . I figure that will be the time to have a great celebration . Maybe one day I will be young enough to once again play on the floor comfortably . Maybe my hip won 't hurt when I get up to walk again . Maybe my eyes will focus properly ! Yes , I am looking forward already to next year 's birthday when I can plan on being forty - three ! I have found myself feeling emotional this past week or so . Lost sleep , raging hormones , and a change of seasons has left me feeling unexpectedly weepy . I miss my dad and so many things are bringing him into my thoughts . I sneaked into the attic bedroom while at Mom 's house this afternoon , pulled some of Dad 's clothes out of a box , put my face into them and took a deep breath . I wasn 't alone long . I quickly put the boxes back in order , and went back downstairs . I took Dad 's diaries out of Mom 's drawer , found the one I had been reading , took it out to the living room , and sat on the couch . I didn 't read long . We had gathered for a family birthday and there was a lot of activity in the house . The kids were playing and Dave was cutting the cake . A birthday song was sung , and dessert was served . I tucked the little book back in its hiding place for another day . My sisters have already celebrated a first birthday without Dad , now it is my turn . I 'm not sure if it is my own birthday that is making me miss him so or the fact that his birthday will be here in just a few short weeks . It will be a year of firsts without my dad . I guess I can expect the tears to well up now and again . Maybe I just ought to keep one of his big red hankies in my purse for those teary occasions . I wonder if I might find one in those boxes upstairs ? It was so nice out yesterday that I took the girls for a ride down to Irondequoit Bay to feed the birds before they take the bridge out for the summer . They had fun tossing bread to the ducks , geese , and swans and dipping the toes of their boots into the edge of the water . We ran out of crackers all too soon but a woman had been there just previous with a huge bag of bread and rolls so we picked a few of those off the beach and tossed them as well . While Hannah and I kept an eye on the girls , Ben took a few pictures for me . Not only are there gulls and water birds , but a handful of pigeons were hanging around hoping for a morsel of bread too . I don 't believe any of the birds were too hungry . They probably don 't know what it 's like to go without a meal . After stopping to wash our hands we spent some time at a local playground . We crossed a footbridge over a creek to enter the park and I asked the girls if they thought a troll might live underneath . Bella smiled and said " Nooo ! " but Emma suddenly became apprehensive . I 'm happy to say we crossed the bridge safely and got to the field on the other side . The girls bounced from one piece of playground equipment to another , often losing each other in the process . Hannah kept her eye on one and I the other as they ran in opposite directions . One day we will have to pack a lunch and make a return trip . The weather today was just as bright and sunny but quite a bit cooler . I saw a sign for sale at Goodwill the other day and felt myself smile . It said , " If idiots grew on trees , this would be an orchard . " It might not be a very nice thing to say , but my smile wasn 't because I am surrounded by idiots , it was because I am surrounded by orchards . I think I 'll go back and get one of those signs just for the fun of it . The robins are back so , even though we are expecting a possibility of snow next weekend , I know spring is on its way . This robin was not pleased that I was in the orchard and let me know so in no uncertain terms . I was skirting Teal Lake and had no choice but to walk under her tree . Do you have a laundry chute ? Was there a laundry chute in your childhood home ? Do you have any good laundry chute stories ? When I was a small girl I had a good friend whose home was outfitted with a laundry chute . There were five children in Beth 's family and I 'm sure the laundry chute came in very handy . One day my friend and I discovered a wonderful game . It was somewhat similar to a game the children in my mother 's daycare used to call " Garbage Truck " . We found it great fun to drop stuffed animals , dolls , and blankets down the chute , run downstairs to retrieve them , and then drop them down all over again . Running up and down the stairs was good exercise and Beth 's mom didn 't seem to mind the game . It was one of our favorites . I do think I recall her father stepping out of his office on occasion to quiet the ruckus we were making . He was the minister at our church and his office was at the bottom of the stairs . All was well with the laundry chute game until one day we decided to put all of Beth 's toys down the hole in the wall ; stuffed animals , dolls , blankets , dishes , little people . . . whatever toys were in her bedroom . Evidently we overdid it that particular day because her mother was no longer amused and put a quick and sudden stop to the fun . It 's been forty years since we played the laundry chute game and the memory still brings a smile to my face . Beth 's family moved away to Massachusetts when we were just six or seven . I went into the parsonage years later as a teenager , found myself glancing at the little door in the hallway wall , and imagined Beth 's toys spilling out onto the floor . I always secretly wished for a laundry chute . I 've not a lick O ' Irish in me and yet there be a pot o ' corned beef a simmerin ' on the stove . I feergot to wear green but theer be two little lady leprechauns a resting in me living room who remembeered . They come home from preeschool wit pockets full o ' gold coins ! They say they found a leprechaun ! Tell me . Ist der a holiday vere de Dutch are honored ? Ever have your children say that ? " I forgot . . . " Well , sometimes moms forget too . Nathan reminded me Sunday night that I had promised to make him a lemon meringue pie . I had forgotten . . . So yesterday I made two more pies , one for Nate and his friends at the apartment , and one for my people still here at home . I was told it was very good . I didn 't eat any as I am once again attempting to go gluten free . I had tapioca pudding instead and it is one of my favorites . Forty - five years ago another small child stood on this spot and looked out the window and into the world outside . Often my mother had left me there and gone off to find my severely autistic brother who had once again disappeared . She would leave me standing at the window to watch and wait . This was back in the days when that was perfectly acceptable and I would be watching when she returned . Years ago there was always something going on outside ; children playing in the street , dogs running through the neighbor 's yard , or birds hopping about in the grass . The neighborhood is much quieter these days . There are still the occasional walkers , and birds still hop about on the lawn , but the children who once filled the streets are gone , grown up and moved away . Do children still play in the street ? I see them on occasion , but nothing like the days of childhood , before the advent of so many organized sports and computer games . Long before the wii was invented children actually played outside , even in wet , gloomy weather . Sometimes they still do . Lucas was watching Hannah , Audra , and Alicia play catch with a " ball " they made out of an old plastic container , some newspaper and tape . The LORD sat enthroned at the Flood , And the LORD sits as King forever . Psalm 29 : 10I am quite certain that our house will not be selling anytime soon . No one in their right mind would really take a second look at a place with this kind of water issues . This does not throw me . I know God has a plan . We have a plan too , which includes trying to fix this water problem , but that plan can not be implemented right now . If only we were raising crawdads . . . I have to smile a bit because we really do not know where we will go if our house does sell . Do we want it to sell ? Does the water annoy us or amuse us ? It isn 't in our basement , just trapped in the lower lying area like water in a bowl , a big bowl , and unfortunately , it is here to stay until we get ready to pump it out again . Of course , maybe that is really a good thing . Who knows ? It was a cold and rainy day in upstate New York . The sun did not peek through the clouds and rain pelted the windows . The good thing about spring rains is they wash away the remainder of lingering winter snows . The bad thing is the ever growing " puddle " in my backyard . It looks especially bad this year . I 'm kind of missing the rock wall we had buried in the fall . It broke up the landscape and added some interest . . . So anyway , I am dreaming of sunshine , warm weather , and green grass . I 'm dreaming of flowers in my gardens , chairs on the back porch , and Jasmine tanning herself in the yard . ( She 's due home any day now . . . ) I 'm dreaming of cookouts , long walks , and no mud . I 'm looking forward . There is a " For Sale " sign in my front yard . I 'm not sure any potential buyers will be interested in this kind of " waterfront " property . . . Anyone have a dinghy we could borrow ? maybe I 'll just stay . . . Sign on the dotted line . . . I met my sisters at Mom 's house this morning and we signed legal papers ; one set to give me power of attorney , another to make Rachel health care proxy , and a third to add all three of us to the deed to Mom 's house . This bit of business had been weighing on my mind since soon after the holidays and I am glad to see the task accomplished . I 'm sure it could save us all a lot of grief later on . I promised my dad that we would take care of Mom and want to see that we are able to accomplish the job . One of the benefits of going to see Mom is getting to see my little grandson at the same time . He thinks having visitors is fun and likes the attention from us as well as we like it from him . He runs around the house , shows us his toys , points and grunts , and steps gingerly over his great grandma 's oxygen hose as he goes along . He will be very good at jump rope one day as he is getting lots of practice . Rachel did not stick around very long after the papers were signed as she had things to do . Priscilla and I visited with Mom for a bit while the girls chatted and Emma played with the Playmobil dolls and furniture . ( Bella stayed home with her daddy today . ) We decided to take the girls out to Moe 's and get some lunch . Hannah and I shared a burrito while Emma had a quesadilla . I returned home at about 1 : 30 pm , just in time to wash the dishes and run the vacuum cleaner before the realtor arrived at the house . We have decided to list our house for sale and see where the Lord will take us . Yes , we signed the papers . . . scary and not scary at the same time . It is not a snap decision but one we have agonized over and prayed about for many months . God does not speak in a loud , audible voice , so we must trust Him to work out the details as we go , to guide our steps , and light the way . I am not an adventurous person by nature . I like to know what is happening from day to day so this will be an exercise in faith for me . ( Sure , go a head and pray that I can relax and enjoy the ride . . . ) It is a yearly project . Mrs . Kay reads the story and then the children get to make Stone Soup . She has kept the same stone for 28 years and it is still working ! All the children were asked to bring in some kind of vegetable for the soup . There were carrots , potatoes , green beans , onions , celery , and snow peas ! Mrs . Kay added some ground beef and macaronis and it was perfect . What a great soup ! The best part is parents and babysitters are invited to join in for the meal . Bella asked for seconds . Unfortunately , not all three and four year olds like soup . Emma was sure she didn 't want any . The bread and butter looked much more interesting to her . She would have been content to forget the soup altogether , but Hannah had her taste it anyway . Colton didn 't want his bowl anywhere close to him . He pushed it all the way to the other side of the table and filled up on bread and crackers . It is a gorgeous day , close to sixty degrees and still sunny . The yard is wet and muddy . The driveway is wet and muddy . If I dared to send the kids outside , they would be wet and muddy . It seems almost a crime to keep them in on such a great day . It seems a crime to keep me in on such a nice day . Spring is making a valiant attempt at arrival . The skies have been sunny and clear for several days , the temperatures mild . The snow is melting and it was a wonderful day for a walk . Since I was unable to take two sleeping , bootless girls out for a mud walk , I decided to go on an imaginary walk by myself . ( Bear with me here . I don 't get out much . . . ) I pulled on my boots and jacket , and trudged through the thick , slushy snow in the back yard and made my way to the orchard road . The trees were naked and cold looking , and I could see all the way to the lake from the top of the hill . The Canada geese had left web - footed footprints in the soggy ground near the snow - covered pond . Though I had previously heard loud honking , the flock was nowhere to be found , only scattered feathers and goose droppings in the mud and snow . Down a row of apple trees I met a stranger . I know better than to walk in the orchard alone , so I asked if he would accompany me but he just stared and waved me on without saying a word . A rather cold fellow I decided . Though the sun shone bright , there was still a bitter , cold wind blowing off Lake Ontario . My ears were starting to ache deep inside and I put my mittened hands over them to warm them up and turned for home . I was glad to get back inside and sit by the wood stove with a cup of hot tea . The girls were just starting to stir . One of them opened her eyes and said , " Martha , I 'm hungry . " It was a beautiful day to go out ; sunny and mild . I needed to stop at the bank and get groceries in Webster , so decided to make a quick run down to the Irondequoit Bay outlet before they pull the bridge out for the summer . I took some unwanted cereal along to feed the ravenous crowds . Though I made several trips to the bay last winter , this was my first stop this year . Ben and Hannah stayed in the van while I got out and tossed old Cheerios to squawking seagulls and suspicious Canada geese . The swans didn 't bother to climb out of the water today , but were more than happy to gobble up whatever I chose to share . Maybe one day I will actually take those two little girls out to feed the birds , though sometimes the birds at the bay are slightly intimidating . Reminds me of that old Alfred Hitchcock movie every time as flocks of screaming seagulls fly overhead . Along with small girls comes a little bit of drama . We had an episode yesterday on the way to school when M told B she was sick . " No , you 're not ! " replied B . " Yes , I am ! " said M , " I fell off a ladder yesterday and now I am sick ! " " M 's faking . " B told me as I climbed into the van after buckling the little boy passenger into his seat . " Is she ? " I replied . " Yeah , " said B . An argument ensued . By the time we drove down the street and around the corner , M was working up a rather healthy crop of tears . She scrunched up her face and poured on the drama . By the time I opened the door to unbuckle her , I 'd seen enough . " Stop that crying right now ! " I said . " You have nothing to cry about . " She looked surprised and attempted to stifle her now full force act . She sniffled as we walked toward the school and I took her hand . I think she had forgotten all about why she was crying in the first place and was now heartbroken over the fact that I had gotten after her . She continued to sniff and gulp air . Once she had her jacket off I took her in my arms and gave her a hug . " I still love you , " I said , " Are you okay now ? " She shook her head and held on . We sat for a little while until she collected herself and went off to play dollhouse with B . Today we had another piece of drama . I wasn 't watching but Ben says one tried to grab from the other . Loud " no 's " were exchanged . One small child jumped up from the floor and threw her face into a pillow on the couch . Loud wailing followed . The other child cried quietly in the corner . They were no longer friends . . . but that was ten minutes ago , before I told the wailing child that she had cried long enough . Now they are friends again , playing toys and chatting happily . Why do these exchanges amuse me so ? Far away , in the Land of Enchantment a young couple is getting ready for a wedding . There has already been a bridal shower , a party or two , and a rehearsal . They have spent their last nights alone . Tonight they will be man and wife , Mr . and Mrs . Here in the Land of Ice and Snow , the aunt , uncle , and cousins wish them a life filled with joy and blessings . Inside they wish New Mexico was not quite so far away . They wait ( somewhat ) impatiently for photos to appear online so they can smile along with all who were able to attend the ceremony . We have missed many family occasions . Mandy was four before we got to meet her for the first time . Passels of children kept us from making the long trek cross country more than a time or two , but we are grateful for the few times we did have and wish her and Eric a wonderful wedding day ! We love you ! ! ! PS . Aha ! A picture ! ! ! They haven 't seen each other yet . . . I really do love the internet . Josh came over . He played markers with Hannah . She drew him a nice picture and he colored it . Josh had a dot of marker on his cheek which he tried to " wipe off " with another marker . Looks a little bit like war paint to me . He even managed to get stripes on both cheeks . Pretty talented . We went to Lukie 's house . He was glad to see us and ran back and forth through the living room . He showed us his toys . He showed us the vacuum cleaner hose . His Grandma made a noise in the other end . Lukie didn 't like it . He cried . ( Isn 't he cute ? ) This afternoon I gathered my pie making supplies and put on my cook 's cap . I cooked up a beautiful pie . It came out of the oven looking like a winner ; golden crust , lightly browned meringue . A prize winning pie ? Maybe . Sadly , an hour or so later , the meringue had shrunk and pulled away from the sides of the crust . ( This always happens . ) I looked up " shrinking meringue " and found that not enough sugar will cause the topping to shrink . Next time I will try adding an extra tablespoonful or two of sugar . The good news is , it tastes yummy either way . I will likely continue doing the shuffle for many days to come . I am cleaning drawers and cabinets , peeking into closets , and filling boxes . " For everything a place , and everything in its place " . If it has a place , that is . My goal is to greatly reduce the load and become more " fluid " . ( More on that another time . . . ) The bathroom projects are finally finished . We were temporarily slowed by our trip to California , but not much . It has been painting the cabinet doors that has really been the holdup . Now they are finished and hung , the towel hooks are installed , and all that is lacking is a home for a roll of toilet paper . Little detail . My husband did a beautiful job and I am blessed . What will be next ? I 'm not sure . Big changes could be on the horizon . One never really knows , but as the pressures of life build , so does the desire to simplify . Where will the adventure take us ? Only the Lord knows . I could hear the music playing in my head as I moved things from here to there this morning . The photo albums came off the bookcase and went into the little dresser / commode in my bedroom . The framed pictures came out from behind the dresser doors when the albums went in . Some of the pictures went down to the bookcase and some went into a covered box under the dresser . ( Do the shuffle ! ) I cleaned my upstairs hallway . The boxes of things to get rid of came down to the dining room . The pack and play crib went up to the hallway . ( Do the shuffle ! ) Bella and Emma were also doing the shuffle . They were shuffling toys around the house . The Beanie Babies came out of the baskets and went onto the floor . Toys were removed from the shelf and scattered across the rug . Books , almost all of them , graced the coffee table . Fisher Price people had been removed from the bucket and lay staring at the ceiling . The girls were busy and I was busy . I had downsizing on my mind ; sorting and selling , boxing and bagging , tossing and trading . We once again have too much stuff . It is time to clean out and thus I am shuffling things from here to there in a concerted effort to put away the things I want to keep and haul away those I can do without . It appears a monumental task . Anyone else up for doing the shuffle ? I am a work in the hands of the Master Potter . I pray that His fingerprints are all over me as I walk through this life . This is my journey . Thank you , Jesus , for not giving up on me . Don 't stand in the sun if you 've got butter on your head . It 's easy to cut big chunks from someone else 's cheese . The strength of a tree lies in its roots - not its branches . Please Help
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The forecast for tonight is for snow , maybe . Nashville might get some , and the Shoals will get it is Nashville does but I don 't know about us . My granddaughter , Sophia , lives in LaGrange , GA , and she called tonight and said they were hoping for snow , too ! They live farther south than we do so I don 't know if they will get any . I hope for their sakes they do . I decided to stay in my p . j . 's all day . They are comfortable and I knew I wouldn 't be going out today , so I did and have been very comfortable all day . Clothes are nice too , but one day in pj 's has been nice . I will be having the Sacrament with Frank tomorrow . We 'll sing songs and have a testimony session too . It will be lovely . I 'll miss the routine of church , but I can 't go . It is three weeks and two days until my surgery . Trudy will be coming over here while I 'm in the hospital to help with Dad . Mary Kate will be coming sometime and I 'll have the Relief Society to help out . I 'm really looking forward to the time I don 't have the pain in my knee . The other knee needs the operation too and I hope to get done as soon as possible . Didn 't do much until 1 : 00 PM . Then I drove to H ' ville to Dr . Knight 's office , where I got me teeth fixed so they could to the lab and get really fixed . I am now the toothless wonder , confined to the nether most parts of my home . I can eat oatmeal and drink milkshakes and I may get the blender out and see what tasty thing I can blend and make drinkable . Please take care of your teeth for you won 't want to be without them ! Today , Friday , started off with a thunder storm and rain . I washed clothes yesterday so I may clean up my room . Dad 's room looks like a room from Clean House , but he won 't let me help him clean it up . He doesn 't feel like doing much about it himself but he 's very protective about his " stuff " . Obama and Congress are passing spending bills that will take future generations all their lives to pay off . Our country is really going down hill fast . I can see the hand of the Lord in all of the confusion . All of the Ten Commandments are being broken and the secular - progressives are still trying to kill all of the Christian symbols and have them taken out of our cities . I 'm reading Culture Warrior by Bill O ' Reilly and it is good . He exposes the secular - progressive doctrine that is in operation today . The movement to change the definition of marriage so gays could get married is one of their projects . The Lord uses the natural forces of nature to pass His judgments upon mankind . Think of the fires is California and Australia . Earthquakes and droughts , giant hailstorms that destroy crops , all these things reap judgment on mankind . Now we have a man as President who wants to move the country towards Socialism . We will began to loose all of our rights . After waiting for 2 hrs . , I finally got to see Dr . Moore . He apologized for the wait . He took new x - rays of my knee , the nurse gave me a green notebook with instructions in it and I was on my way . The operation date is March 24 . That 's Mary Kate 's and Frankie 's birthday . Frankie 's surgery is March 12 . I will go into Crestswood hospital Tuesday , the 24th , and be operated on and then stay until Friday when I 'll come home . I don 't know if I 'll get to go to the rehab hospital or not . It will be quite an adventure and I am looking forward to getting better and less pain . WaHoo ! I invited Karen to go to Sam 's with me today and she did . We just drove to H ' ville and went to Sam 's . It didn 't take too long to find what I wanted and then we checked out . Karen packed the trunk like a professional . She even helped me unpack when we got home . Stacey was supposed to take the shith tzu 's to the groomer today , but Dr . Hammons wouldn 't let them stay there because Bro . Decker had given them some of their shots and a real vet hadn 't done them . He just wants to make more money by insisting that he give all the shots . So we met Stacey and the two dogs and got them for Karen to take home . They are cute little dogs and are pretty obedient . I see Dr . Moore tomorrow morning and will find out when I get my surgery . Before the surgery , I 'll have to see Dr . Knight to get my teeth fixed . They split tonight and Dad epoxyed them together . I hope I can stickem them in my mouth so I can go to the Dr . without looking like the Granny on The Beverly Hill Billies ! Dad like to fix things and I am glad ! I was awake at 6 : 00 AM so I decided to get up and get dressed since I was going to exercise class . I got there with 15 minutes to walk . It 's a nice class even though I don 't know everyone 's name . The longer I go the more names I 'll learn . I plan to go Wednesday and Friday . After exercise , I went to Walmart to buy some groceries . I plan to go to Sam 's this week . We 've been eating the veggies I get there so I want to stock up on more . I had to thaw the car out this morning . I hate to have to scrape the windshield so I just warmed the entire car up . Obama is on the radio now with Rush commentating too . Our economy is going down and Obama is helping it tank . Karen and I will meet tonight and go over D & C 43 - 45 . I couldn 't get into these chapters and I don 't know where the Institute book is . I think that calls for a nap ! I hope I don 't get graded on my titles of my blogs . . . I had gone back to bed at 8 : 45 this morning when I thought about the card party I had today . I got up and got dressed and drove to the Blackburn center but no one was there ! So , I went to town to The Shoe Dept . and bought a new pair of shoes ( I don 't think they sell old shoes ) . I got Rebock and I wanted black but all I found was white and they felt good on my feet . They were on sale and I only spent $ 38 . 00 for them . When I got home and checked my e - mail , I found where Mary had canceled the party . Seems like I was the only one who was going to be there ! They had 9 last month and I had forgotten about it . I 'm rather glad I missed it because with that many people , I would have gotten lost as to what we would have been doing . I e - mailed Mary and told her I wasn 't upset about it . I needed to get up and get out anyway . It was in the 50 's with the wind blowing some . I think we should get some rain tomorrow . It needs to be warm to rain . We 've been eating the Pizza in a Bowl recipe but Frank said he 'd been eating too much cheese and didn 't want to have the Pizza anymore . He said cheese is " binding " ! Mary Kate and Sophia and Nate have been visiting Frankie and his family this week - end . Trudy will go up to be with them when Frankie gets his ankle fused . That will be good . I only wish I could go up but I have my person to take care of here . I didn 't make it to exercise today because my knees hurt from the exercise I got yesterday walking around Lowe 's so I went back to bed . It felt good . I swept the floors and dust moped them . Lunch was what I cooked last night , Pizza in a Bowl , sans pepperoni . The pepperoni would be too salty for Frank and I don 't really care for them either . This time through , I didn 't follow the recipe exactly . It called for pizza sauce and I had mistakenly used it for spaghetti so I used the spaghetti sauce in the Pizza in a Bowl . It had a lot of mozzarella cheese it and it was good . It will feed us for several days . I 'm glad I 've found a recipe that Frank likes . It got up to 45 degrees today . We get so spoiled with the warm weather that it 's a shock when winter comes back . Bring on the warm days , I say , bring them on . My brother and Ruth bought all new living room furniture and they are going to give me a rocking chair to use when I get back from my operation . I can clear away some junk in the living room and put it there . I 'll be needing to flex my knee and I can do it sitting in the rocking chair and rocking . Sounds like a good idea to me . Thursday already . Time is surely flying . I was rested up from the trip yesterday and Karen and I went out today since I couldn 't go Wednesday . We were going to Lowe 's to look at the spring flowers and plants , but Karen decided that it was too early for there to be many plants out so we went on a tour of the Antibellem ( definitely , wrong spelling . . . ) homes in Athens . The homes or the period of time was from 1830 to 1865 . There was one home that was built in 1802 . We had a CD and a brochure to follow and the way was marked with signs , so it wasn 't too hard to find all of the homes . I 've lived in Athens for 29 years and had only been to the Houston library . Houston was a governor of Alabama way back when . He gave his two story home to the city as long as it was used as a library . The building can be toured and is furnished with period furniture and nick knacks . We have two library 's in the town . We ended up at Lowe 's anyway for Frank wanted a clamp and I was able to get it for him . I really look forward to getting my knee done . I 'm going to tell the Dr . I want to schedule the same operation for my left knee as soon as possible . I have high hopes of getting rid of the constant pain and disability I have now . I want to work in the yard again and to be able to plant flowers and enjoy the outside . Being able to walk for exercise would be nice too . Frank had a Dr visit at 9 : 40 AM in H ' ville and another one at 12 : 40 PM . After the first appointment we drove to the second appointment and found a good parking space and got comfortable in the car and just waited until 12 : 40 . We listened to the radio and relaxed . The time flew by and he was out of the second appointment in no time . We ate lunch at McDonald 's at 1 : 00 PM . Before we came home , we had to run by the pharmacy . A big storm was forecast for the H ' ville area , but the skies cleared as we drove west . It may rain tonight , but the skies are blue now . The temperature was in the 70 's and a cold front is moving in so that should bring us some bad weather . Sunday 's temps are to be in the 20 's , bur - r - - r - r ! So far we haven 't had much cold weather . I see Dr Moore in a week from today and we will plan when I will get my knee operated on . I can 't wait ! That was stupid . . . I 'll have to wait ! Buttercups are up . The weed , Hen Bit , is showing her purple blooms . My maple tree is beginning to bud and the privet tree has tiny green leaves on it . We have about 6 weeks of bad weather left and it could snow in the middle of March as it did years ago . The battery in the truck is dead again but Frank go a switch that controls when the battery is used and the battery should stay charged all the time . Something in the truck was draining the battery even when the truck was just sitting there . The temperature was in the 50 's but the wind was blowing and made it feel cooler . Monday I went to exercise class and then on to Walmart to buy groceries . After I got home and cooked lunch - spaghetti and Italian sausage - I had to take Frank back into town . My knees were really hurting . I called and made an appointment with Dr . Moore to see about getting my knee replaced . I 'll be in the hospital for 3 days and I can go home to rehab or I can go to the rehab hospital for a week . I 'm going to stay as long as I can so I 'll be ready to come home and move around . I 'll have to learn how to walk up and down steps for I have steps to go in and out to the house and I have to be able to go up and down the basement stairs . Trudy and her friend Cay and Sadie and Cay 's two sons come over for a visit . They were in town planning for a party and wanted to stop in for a while . Dad dazzled the boys with his ipod . Trudy gave Cay a tour around the house and then they left . It was a nice visit . Saturday didn 't do much that I can remember . I think I pruned the remaining two butterfly bushes in front of the house . I dragged the remains to the burn pile . Hopefully , I 'll feel like charging the battery of the truck so I can drive to the burn pile and dump the other remains too . Sunday has been good . Church was good and my visiting teachers came around 2 : 45 PM . We had a nice visit . They are Karen and Stacey Decker . Then at 7 : 00 PM , Bros . Decker and Hill came home teaching . We always have a good time when they come . I was listening to Glen Beck and the TV and he said the powers that be are trying to put the mantel of FDR on Obama and one of the first thing that FDR did when he came into office , was to declare a bank holiday . He froze the assets of the banks . I wasn 't sure what that meant so I asked Bros Decker and Hill what it meant . They said that the bank wouldn 't be able to do any thing with their ( our ) money while their accounts were frozen . How could we access our money ? How would we pay our bills ? The banks are pretty messed up now . I like to watch Glen Beck but he raises questions that make me uncomfortable . Our future looks pretty grim already . One man on his show has a nack of predicting the future and said we were headed for a BIG depression , that a lot more retail stores would be closing . And that would some how affect the banks even more . Trust in the Lord and lean not unto thine own understanding . That 's what I need to do . That and stop watching so many news programs . My husband was very sweet this Valentines day . He got me two Bill O ' Reilly books and today a Vermont Teddy bear came in the mail ! It is black and white like a cow . Actually , it sort of reminded me of a panda teddy bear I had when I was a child . Now I have three Vermont Teddy bears . The others are packed away in the top of my closet . The O ' Reilly book , A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity , is an easy read and I 'm already 1 / 2 way through . The second book is a paperback and is the Culture Warriors . At lunch time , I was going to read some more in my book when the weak thought of pruning the butterfly bushes came to mind . It got to to 70 degrees and is supposed to rain tonight , so I got out , got my tools and pruned two bushes . I dragged the limbs to the truck and loaded them in . Later , discovered the battery in the truck was dead . I don 't drive the truck enough to keep the battery charged . Oh well , we can get the battery charger out and charge the battery someday . I have two more bushes to go . They are in the front of the house and nobody sees them but they do need pruning . Maybe tomorrow , if the rain doesn 't come . Mary Kate is going to visit Frankie and his family next week - end . Trudy will visit the week of his ankle surgery . Karen and I had a great time on our Wednesday outing . We went to Florence . We stopped at an Army - Navy store outside of Rogersville and checked the price of MRE 's and then on to Florence to the Walmart store where Karen wanted some craft stuff and then we went to Tuesday Mornings in the Mall and then we hunted down The Magic Carpet store . Karen had a map or we wouldn 't have found the place . It was a warehouse full or orential rugs ! They were so pretty and nice but they were very expensive . I now know that I never will have a real orential rug ! W drove straight home after that . The wind was blowing hard all day and as I was going over to Karen 's house I drove through a downpour of rain but when I turned down Wright Rd . , the sky was blue . Mary Lou and I went V . T . this morning . We saw Antha Jo Perry . I like visiting her . Came home and took a cat nap on the couch waiting for the time to collect the trash . Frank threw away lots of magazines and the trash was heavy . I 'm thankful the neighbor boys carry our trash out to the road . After being out yesterday , I was glad to have a day at home . It 's not like I go out a lot but I did look forward to not having to go anywhere . I swept and dust moped the floors , folded some laundry , straightened the computer desk , cleaned the bathroom and tried to stay busy . I found time to read the January Ensign . I 've read some of the February Ensign and we got the March Ensign today ! I 'll have to read faster . Tomorrow is our girls day out . We are going to Florence to the Flying Carpet store . They sell oriental rugs . We thought it would be interesting to go and see what they had . It 's Karen 's time to drive and I 'm glad . I drive so much it is a joy to just ride and look out the window . I haven 't pruned the butterfly bushes yet . I looked at them for a long while today but that was as close as I got to pruning them ! The thought has to come first . . . The trip to H ' ville was uneventful . It was another 70 degree day and very nice . I saw Dr . Knight 's son , who is in practice with him now . Since there are two Dr 's Knight , the son goes by the name of Dr . Drew . His first name is Andrew . He was a nice young man . I thought I would get my denture glued together again but he seemed to think I might need a new denture . He wasn 't pushing it but I 'm ready for some teeth that fit right ! They are putting in the papers to see if the dental insurance will help pay anything on the new denture . If not , it would cost $ 1 , 000 dollars . After I got home , I needed to go by the P . O . to mail Valentine hearts to the grandchildren . I believe they will get to them by Valentine 's Day . Next I stopped by the pharmacy to get an Rx for Dad . Then I came home and after lunch , I took a nap . Tonight was scripture study night and it was good . Dr . Sharp had me go up on my Effexor and I believe it has helped . I don 't feel desperate anymore . Hopefully , I 'll feel good for a long time . I 've gone through all the names that come quickly to mind , thus no name . Church was good today . Logan Brown gave his coming home talk after his mission . He went to Uruguay . That 's the wrong spelling but the computer didn 't know it either ! There were a lot of friends and kin there to hear Logan speak . It was 74 degrees F . today . We will have more winter weather sometime but so far it hasn 't been too bad . We had some cold weather into the teens last week but then it warmed up . I 'm not complaining ! I have a dentist appointment at 9 : 20 AM in H ' ville tomorrow . I 'll have to miss exercise class . I 'll need to leave about 8 : 30 AM . A lot of " I 'll 's " in those two sentences . . . It 's 4 : 00 PM and this is the time the birds like to break out in song . . . noises , words , phrases . One starts and the other two chime in . It 's interesting to hear them . " Hey , Gordie " , Rosko squawking Rikki saying , " Rosko ! " " Hello " " Daddy " , more noises , " Oh ! " , " Come ' ere " . It 's unusually nice outside today , not that I 've been outside , but it looks nice . It 's going to be in the 60 's Sunday . I have to prune some bushes and I should do it when the weather is warm , but I just don 't want to do it . I sure hope after I get my knee replaced , some of the energy to get things done will come back . My knees haven 't been hurting as much lately but I haven 't been using them much . Yes , it 's Friday again . Another week has come and gone . Yesterday , I didn 't do much of anything since I was going to the Temple . We leave at 3 : 45 PM to get to the church by 4 : 00 PM . Billy Geer drives his van and he leaves the church promptly at 4 PM . Bro . Geer drove and Sam Mitchell was up front . Bob Hill was in the next seat and then Karen and I sat in the back seat . It takes 1 1 / 2 hours to get to the Temple . A lot of people were there . Maybe because the Temple will be closed next week and the rest of February for cleaning , I think . Billy always feeds us good sandwiches on the way back . Today , I rested until 11 : 00 AM and then went to Walmart . I got two more pairs of PJ 's to make a total of 4 new pair . I 'm giving the Salvation Army my old ones . They 're still good but a bit used looking for me . Since Mary Kate told me to get rid of my old PJ 's , I 've been ready to get some new ones . You can 't really tell why I put that title on the blog . . . was the sun out ? Had it stopped raining ? No , I just had a good day and the sun was out but it was very cold and the wind was blowing . Karen Decker went with me to H ' ville to a Dr . visit . The Dr . visit was only about 15 - 20 minutes so she didn 't have to wait long . Then we went to 5 Points to a little house called Mary 's Beads , plus she had a whole lot of other stuff all over the place . The lady obvious hadn 't seen living humans in a while , for she talked our ears off the entire time we were there . I saw a couple of bird paintings I would like to have , but I have no room on my walls of more stuff . Yes , I have stuff on all the flat surfaces in my house and have gone up the walls too ! Frank 's PSA test was very low so that means the Dr . got all of the cancer . He 's feeling better from the operation , but still has the pains of the arthritis . Dr . Sharp told me to go up on my Effexor . I was feeling desperate again and having a hard time dealing with the time I have . I hope it works for I don 't like to feel that way . I guess I was tired last night and didn 't blog . I had a busy Monday . I got up at 6 : 45 AM to have enough time to get dressed , take care of Dad . and then go to exercise class . It was good to get back and see the people that go there . After exercise , I went to the pharmacy , but Dad 's medicine hadn 't come in and I had an hour to wait so I came home . We went to see Dr . Morgan at 1 : 00 PM and after that we swung by the pharmacy to get the medicine . I had about an hour or so to rest up and get supper ready before I went over to Karen 's for scripture study . The days are getting longer and it wasn 't completely dark when I left for her house . When it 's dark , I have a hard time telling which lane the cars are in that are coming my way and since it was lighter I could tell when to pull out . It 's a dangerous place to pull out from unless you can see both ways . Had to buy some groceries today and got me two pair of pajamas . Mary Kate said all my p . j . 's were old and worn out ! I looked and she was right ! Tomorrow , after exercise , I go see Dr . Sharp at 1 : 00 PM . I told Karen to come go with me and we could explore H ' ville some more . Dr . Sharp " s visits don 't last over 15 min . There is a big merchandise store we can go to and there 's a small shop that I went in with Trudy that I want to go back to . It 'll be a fun day ! I didn 't want to get out of bed this morning because I was down , but after I got to church , I began to feel better . Don 't really have anything to blog about . Sundays are really slow days . I do have the Super Bowl on but I 'm not watching it right now . Didn 't watch the half time show . I enjoy watching the game . I don 't follow football during the season unless Alabama 's playing , but I do like to watch a good game . Hey , Jackie . It was good seeing you today . You looked really pretty . If you think your life is dull , justs keep reading my blogs ! It 's time to get back to the game ! I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . The poor man died with a big collection of poor insurance quotes . free counter
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What is all this ? This blog was created as a safe space for me to organize and share my short stories and other creative writing efforts . Thank you for stopping by ! Shout out to my dear friend Madeline Smith for her mad proof reading and editing skills . Lost in Space - Short story competition * * Update * * 06 / 19 / 2017 I won ! This is the winning submission for the Lost in Space short story contest . I am thrilled and completely humbled to have won my very first competition . " I 'm sorry , Detective Mackay , but there is no student with that name and birth date at this school . " " You 're sure ? " I knew I was pushing it , but I just didn 't understand how this could be possible . The large red - headed guidance counselor - whose faded name tag identified her as Ms . Simons , ' Director of Guidance ' - breathed a loud sigh and pushed her glasses up her sweaty nose . She turned back to her computer and banged a few keys on the keyboard . I didn 't miss the longing look she gave the smut novel sitting on the other side of her desk . " How many ways can you spell Peter Miller ? " I asked . My aggravated tone was immediately greeted with a threatening look from Ms . Simons . I wanted to get right in her face and tell her that a young man , who at one point had definitely attended her school , was missing and I needed to find him immediately . I could tell , however , that she was done with me . My snark was delaying her precious alone time with Mr . Exposed Nipples on the cover of her book , the spine of which looked very well worn from many lonely afternoons . " Thank you for your time , Ms . Simons , " I said with as much appreciation as I could muster . I pushed myself out of the stiff office chair and made my way to the hallway . As I turned to shut her office door , I watched as the eager guidance counselor picked up her novel and reached into her desk drawer for a bag of spicy Cheetos . Work to do , indeed . I pulled my tablet out of my bag to consult the case file as I walked through the school 's courtyard . Class wouldn 't be out for a few more minutes , so I decided to sit on top of a red picnic table and pull up the victim 's information . Peter Miller . He was currently a high school senior at Ridgemont High - or he was supposed to be , anyway . A quick glance at the sign in front of the building told me that I was in the right place . Peter was last seen at a local coffee shop after school on September 25th , 2028 . I quickly opened the calendar application on the tablet to make sure it was in fact the 25th of September . Going back just a few days didn 't usually mess with my devices , but I checked anyway just to be on the safe side . I didn 't understand how there was no record of Peter being a student here . Peter 's parents had given me full access to all of his information , including Peter 's last school yearbook . I had never had something like this happen on a case . Detectives of my kind were still fairly new since the discovery of time travel was only about a decade ago . Most cases were open and shut . Someone would go missing , get kidnapped , or even be murdered , and if their family had enough money , my firm would be contacted . We conducted investigations in the P . D . , or present day , to find out when and where they were last seen and whom they were with . We would then travel back to the time of their last appearance , find them , and get them to a safe house until we were able to catch the perpetrator . The bell rang , bringing me out of my thoughts . I looked up as students began to flood the courtyard . " Excuse me , what 's today 's date ? " I asked a student who was walking by . " Yes , but what is the year ? " I asked as I looked back at my tablet . The boy gave me a puzzled look . " Dude , it 's 2028 , " he said with an eye roll as he walked past me while mumbling something about pot heads . I flipped through the file , and found Peter 's parking lot number . I hopped off of the picnic table with a new determination . I knew that if Peter was not a student on record he wouldn 't be parked in his spot , but I wanted to see who was . I pulled into spot 74 and turned off my engine . Peter 's Jeep was supposed to be parked here for another 10 minutes at least , according to the time on my dashboard . I heard a voice outside my window and looked up to find a girl talking animatedly on her phone . I immediately recognized her , and smiled at my luck . This girl had to know Peter . Maybe she knew why he wasn 't a student here anymore , or where I could find him . Bethany Flemming , Peter Miller 's girlfriend . This bubbly girl with the contagious laugh has no idea that in just 48 hours she will be in my office crying , telling me about the last time she had seen Peter . She was the last person to see him at the coffee shop where they had met to study for a calculus test . She would look up at me through her tears , a look of vague recognition in her eyes . " You look familiar , " she will say with a croaky voice as she leaves my office . Even after 5 years of doing this job , it still gave me a thrill when someone subconsciously made a time travel connection . Only our clients knew what we did ; it 's one of our rules . Former clients were required to sign a non - disclosure agreement stating they would never reveal the identity of their investigator . We aren 't stupid , we know people talk . How else would we get work ? Unfortunately more and more people were finding out about us and wanted to either join ranks or stop us . The ones who wanted to stop us posed more of a threat , obviously , because they were mostly the people who got caught . I opened my door just as she hung up her phone call . I gave her a nod and a smile when she looked up at me . " Excuse me , miss , who usually parks here ? " I asked . " No one . That spot has been empty all year , " she answered as she threw her book bag in the backseat of her car . This was getting stranger by the minute . How does she not know who Peter is ? They had dated for two years and , according to his parents , Peter had wanted to propose once they graduated . I felt my heart begin to race as a million different questions flew through my brain . Where was this kid ? Had someone completely erased his existence ? Who would be capable of doing that ? Someone with access to time travel . The idea that criminals were evolving to outrun us both terrified and excited me . " Do you know a Peter Miller ? " I shouldn 't have asked that . It could risk too many things , but I couldn 't stop myself from blurting it out . Bethany thought for a moment before answering . I gave her one final smile and turned to make my way back to my car . I sat and stared at my steering wheel as I contemplated the two possible courses of action I could take . One was to go back to the present and check all the facts with Peter 's parents - if they were still his parents , that is . The second was to go back to Peter 's birth date and make sure he was actually born . Having made my decision I reached over to open my glove compartment to get out my travel device when something caught my eye . There was a mark on the front of the glove compartment that I had never noticed before . I ran my finger over the mark , it was a scratch in the shape of an " F " . When I pulled my finger away from the scratch , another mark began to form . I sat back in my seat , unable to believe what I was seeing . I watched as the words " FIND ME " appeared in deep scratches across my glove compartment . By mystrangefictionin Uncategorized , Writing promptsMay 13 , 2017June 19 , 20171 , 520 WordsLeave a comment Summer Reading Adventure I grew up performing in some fashion . Whether it was singing , dancing , or just trying to make my friends laugh . When I was in high school I got into the Theatre and a true passion was ignited . I took a break from the acting world for a few years once I graduated college with a degree in Theatre . Taking on the role of Blanche is extremely taxing on the actor who portrays her . Even more so if that actor has a full time job and is a wife and mother , like myself . I can 't wait to take on my next theatrical endeavor , but right now I am taking a break for a little while until another show comes along that I want to audition for . In the meantime , I 've decided to occupy my mind and satisfy my Theatre itch by making a a summer reading list of scripts to read . This list is compiled of classics , staples , and new work . I asked friends and the internet for plays that all actors should read and this is what I came up with . Most of these I have not read and some of them I have , but not in a very long time . Joe was the last person on Earth that I expected to do that . I mean , I don 't expect a lot of men to show up on my roof at 4 : 37 in the morning , tell me that I am the leader of an ancient supernatural race , sprout wings , and then fly me to an open field full of men and women with the same wings . Yet , that is exactly what has happened . Joe , really ? He 's always seemed so average . He literally is an average freaking joe ! Average height and build with an everyday middle aged male haircut . His hair is even a mousy dishwater blonde . I always overlooked Joe , he was just there in the background . That was his goal , I guess . That 's what a royal supernatural " guardian " is supposed to do , blend in . So tonight Joe shows up on my roof , wings out , and explains that he has been watching over me . Protecting me my entire life , and that there has been some terrible disturbance in the lives of my " people " and I have to go save them . I literally just met this man three years ago when I took the job at Terra Corp , the largest environmental law firm in the city . He 's been my mild mannered supervisor ( oh the irony ) ever since . I thought I 'd had one too many G & T 's that night and this was just some weird drunken dream , what else could explain it ? I turned to go back inside and Joe swooped , like actually swooped in and picked me up . We flew off into the night . I 'm pretty sure I screamed and called him every single horrible name I could think of . We finally landed in the field and I immediately threw up . Yep , too many G & T 's . " What in the actual hell , Joe ? " I asked in between ragged breaths . I was doubled over on my hands and knees . " I 'm sorry Julie , I know this is a lot to take in . I didn 't want you to find out this way , but orders are orders . " Joe walked to me cautiously and crouched to put a comforting hand on my shoulder . " Would you like some water ? " Joe asked as I stood and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand . " I 'd prefer an explanation ! " , I said , sounding completely hysterical . Joe looked around , we were off to the side of a wide field where a few tents were set up with benches and different weapons . It was then that I noticed that the sky looked like it was around noon , instead of the early hours of the morning . " Let 's start with water . " He then took off faster than a human could possibly move . I collapsed on a nearby bench looking out over the field where incredibly muscular men and women were sparring with swords and spears . Where the fucking hell was I ? " You are the only living leader . " Joe 's crazy words repeated in my foggy brain . Leader of who ? I 've never lead anything , or anyone . I did assistant direct a production of Death of a Salesman in 10th grade . Does that count as previous work experience ? My head was pounding and my stomach was rumbling . " What are you thinking ? " Joe said as he handed me a canteen of water . I was startled by is words , I didn 't even hear him walk up . " I 'm thinking that I am way more drunk than I thought I was , and I have a fantastic imagination . " I took generous gulps of water . " Julie , you aren 't drunk , and you 're not dreaming . There is still more for me to explain , and a lot for you to learn . Are you going to be okay ? " Joe looked at me with fatherly concern . That was new . " Yeah , I 'm cool . " I said unconvincingly as I finished my water . Joe laughed , and it was the most comforting thing I 'd heard in the last 24 hours . Joe stood and reached a hand out to me . " Come on , I 'll show you around the camp . " Chaos surrounded the detectives as they exited the elevator on the trauma floor of the hospital . Doctors and nurses buzzed about , taking care of patients and going over charts . A team of doctors pushing a patient on a gurney nearly side swiped Detective Jenkins on their way to the operating room . Nick walked up to the reception desk where several nurses were busy working . " We 're here to see Jacqueline Maynard , " he said across the desk to the nurses . None of them looked up from what they were doing . The hallway was loud and crowded so he repeated himself a little louder . Two nurses looked up and gave him a dirty look for interrupting them . He turned to Jenkins , throwing his hands up . Jenkins chuckled to himself . The older detective turned back to the nurse as he smoothed his gray hair back and prepared his best smile . Jenkins may have been older than his partner , but he still had his boyish charm and rugged good looks . " Excuse me Miss , I hate to interrupt your work . I know you 're terribly busy … " The nurse looked up at Jenkins . She couldn 't help but return his smile with her own . " Wow , you have a great smile , " Jenkins said . He made a point to look over at Nick with a big grin . Nick rolled his eyes , he usually hated putting up with Jenkins 's antics but he needed this to work . " Oh yes , poor thing . She 's really shaken up . " Nick moved in closer to hear what the nurse was saying . " I believe the doctor is in with her now , I can check and see if she 's ready to see you . " The nurse got up and went into a room directly across from the reception desk . Jenkins gave Nick a satisfied smile . " And that is how it 's done , my boy , " he said , slapping Nick on the shoulder . " You need to learn how to finesse the fairer sex . " " I 'll be sure to work on that , " Nick said dryly . " She 's had severe trauma to her head , which could affect her memory for awhile . Other than that just a few minor bumps and bruises . She 's very lucky , " the doctor said , folding the chart under his arms . " Is she conscious ? " asked Nick . He was getting a little antsy to speak with Jacqueline . He knew that having a witness could be a great thing for a case , but waiting too long could cause the witness 's memory to become foggy . The human memory was a tricky thing . Nick squeezed his eyes shut as a feeling of dread came over him . Why is the captain here ? He thought to himself . He turned to the intimidatingly tall man now standing at the reception desk . He was in a suit even though it was two in the morning . This told Nick he was here on business . " Captain Barrett , I hope my text didn 't wake you . I just wanted to let you know what was happening , " Nick said , walking over to him . " Jenkins and I are about to talk to the witness . " Captain Barrett , with his buzzed hair cut and square posture , was every bit a former military man . This was the man that Nick needed to impress . This was also the man who scared the piss out of him . " Of course you woke me up , " the captain said , exasperated with the young detective . " I 'm here to make sure you don 't ruin this investigation . A lot can go wrong with a witness , " the captain said , looking Nick square in the eyes . " I know , sir . I think I can handle it . I already built a rapport with the woman at the scene . I think she trusts me , " Nick said , feigning confidence . " Plus Jenkins will be with me , " he added quickly . " You won 't need to , " Nick said . He was trying to hide his anger , but his fists were clenched tightly by his side . Captain Barrett nodded and Nick turned and walked past Jenkins to the hospital room door . Nick looked at his partner with his fists still clenched . " I don 't want to go there right now . " He walked over to the bed were Jacqueline appeared to be sleeping . " Miss Maynard ? " Nick said softly . He hated to wake her when she looked so peaceful , but they needed to know what she saw . Nick waited for a response but she did not move . " She out ? " Jenkins asked coming to stand opposite his partner on the other side of the bed . " Looks like it , " said Nick still looking down at her , watching her slow even breathing . There was something about her face that was hypnotic in a way . He found himself remembering her expressive eyes at the crime scene and wanted to see them again . " She 's hot , right ? " said Jenkins , effectively interrupting Nick 's thoughts . He looked up at Jenkins . " That 's what this guy goes for , " Nick answered . " All his Vics have been beautiful . " Not as beautiful as this one , he thought to himself and then pushed that idea out of his head . He needed to focus on the task at hand . Jenkins nodded in agreement . " Did you see the pictures of that yoga instructor before she got chopped ? " Jenkins asked then whistled through his teeth . " Man , it sure is a shame that a body like that went to waste , and a redhead too ! You know what they say about redheads … " Nick was about to tell his partner to knock it off when Jacqueline stirred in her bed . " I must … I … must , " she said as her eyes fluttered open and then closed again . Her eyes slowly blinked open . " I must … be … dreaming , " The two detectives looked at each other , confused . " Jacqueline you 're in the hospital , you were attacked . I 'm sorry , but you aren 't dreaming , " Nick said cautiously . " I must be . A respectable cop would never speak that way about a dead woman , " Jacqueline said . Her voice was breathless , but her eyes shot daggers at Detective Jenkins . He looked down at the floor , embarrassed . She looked up at Nick , her eyes brimming with tears . " You can , " she said , " but he has to go . " She spat her words at Jenkins . Nick was surprised by her spunk and found himself trying hard not to smile at the discomfort of his partner . " It might be best if you step outside , Jenkins , " Nick said . Jenkins rolled his eyes as he left the room . " I 'm really sorry about my partner , " Nick said , turning back to to Jacqueline . She was looking up at him . Her eyes once again seemed to show her thoughts zipping through her mind at lightning speed . Nick wanted to know what she was thinking . " He 's a good cop , not necessarily a good person , " he said . Her words caught the detective off guard and a boyish smile broke across his face . " I try to be , " he said . " Do you mind if we talk about what happened tonight ? " Jacqueline nodded as she tried to prop herself up in the bed . Her face pinched together in pain and Nick reached down to help her . He placed a pillow behind her back to make her more comfortable . " You okay ? " Nick asked and immediately realized how idiotic of a question that was . Of course she wasn 't okay . The poor woman had walked in on her friend being dissected by a madman and then she almost died from a blow to the head . " I guess so , all things considered , " she said with a faint smile . " I told you , I 'm not sure what happened . " She brought her hand up and squeezed the bridge of her nose with her fingers to relieve pressure . " That 's fine , " Nick said . " Let 's start somewhere else . " Jacqueline looked up at him with a look of sheer anxiety across her face . Nick continued , " How did you know Miss Kelly ? " Nick cleared his throat . This was the worst part about his job - dealing with others ' pain and grief . He was the kind of person who took on others ' pain - always had been . He hated it . Solving the puzzle , catching the bad guy … that was what Nick loved about the job . Making sure that people in his community were safe was his driving force . He did not think he would ever get used to a crying victim . He wanted to reach out and comfort Jacqueline , but he knew that was a bad idea . Jacqueline wiped tears from her eyes . " New Horizons Rehab Center . I am a behavioral psychologist . Mary taught yoga to the patients there three times a week . They all loved her . " Nick had stopped writing and looked up from his notes at Jacqueline . " What ? Why are you looking at me like that ? " she asked , wondering why the detective had a huge grin that almost split his face in two . " I 'm sorry , " Nick said noticing that his expression seemed to unnerve her . He quickly asked his next question . " Did you or Mary ever have any affiliation with the Center for Hope ? " Jacqueline seemed to think on this for a moment . " Now that you mention it , yes . I consulted on some patient files a few years back at the request of the director ; he was a friend from grad school . I don 't know about Mary . " " What was the director 's name ? " Nick asked . He could barely contain his excitement . " Thomas Johanson , but he couldn 't be involved with this , " she said , looking at Nick with confusion . She placed her head in her hands and closed her eyes . " My brain is so foggy . Can we do this later ? " Nick closed his note pad . " Of course , " he said , the smile returning to his face . He handed her a card from his pocket . " Why don 't you give me a call when you 're discharged and you can come down to the station to make your statement ? " Where do you start when dissecting a human body ? To some , it might seem a little overwhelming . Do you start at the top or the bottom ? The back or the front ? How do you know the correct amount of pressure to apply to slice through the skin , but not puncture an organ ? My father used to have this saying whenever I would come to him overwhelmed by my school work or some other adolescent problem . He would look up from whatever book he was reading , with his slender reading glasses perched at the end of his nose and say ; " How do you eat an elephant ? " After years of this I didn 't need him to answer the question for me . I would simply reply " One bite at a time , " and just like that a sense of invincibility would come over me . That mantra would act as a reset button to calm my nerves . His words were a reminder that anything can be conquered if you take it apart one piece at a time . One bite at a time Some people become killers because they feel like they have no control or because they are damaged . Aren 't we all damaged in some way ? People assume the worst about serial killers . You have some weird religious belief . You were abused or molested as a child which causes you to lash out in a horrific manner . Or my favorite , you 're just plain evil . That is not always true . I don 't believe I am evil . Sometimes you just need to find the thing that makes you feel powerful . We all have our own coping methods . My father 's words still ring in my head every time I drag my blade from sternum to navel . ( That 's the answer by the way . Start at the top and work your way down . ) All of my anxieties and insecurities , for the time being , float away with every layer I pull back . I get stronger and more powerful with every vital organ I remove . I know my coping method isn 't ideal . I 'm not crazy , I know killing people is wrong . We all know things we do are wrong , but we do them anyway . It all comes down to how bad off you are without your fix . I tried to cut back once . I really did try ! I was at a point where I needed a fix once a week . I realized that is just too much . I found that keeping a token was a good way for me to cope between my outings . I chose to cut about a 5 inch length of hair from each of them . Enough to play with between my fingers when I get the itch . It 's always the last piece I remove . The final bite of my elephant . Mary had the prettiest red hair I 'd ever seen . I told her it was beautiful several times before I decided to take it . She would just smile and run her hands through her gorgeous red mane . Now I can run my fingers through it whenever I want . By mystrangefictionin White Chapel AvenueApril 13 , 2017April 13 , 20172 , 663 WordsLeave a comment Timeline Prologue I had this idea a few weeks ago , what if you knew the exact moment your loved ones were going to die ? Then it evolved into more . What if it happened every time you made eye contact with someone . I wondered what life would be like for that person . I wondered how they would feel about life and death . Would they try to save people ? Would they be able to have any sort of relationships ? What kind of job would they have ? I got used to looking away . At first it was hard not to tell them or at least give them some sort of idea of when it would happen . For a time , I thought it was a great idea to tell them . Especially if it was going to happen soon . I 'd be in line for coffee and I 'd see someone on the phone and it would change , right then . Their time was sooner than it had been just a moment ago because of a choice they had made right then . I would try and approach them and find some way to let them know they were making a bad decision . Unfortunately you can 't just go around telling people that they will die very soon if they do this or that . They would tell me I was crazy , or call the cops . I learned to keep to myself and look down at the ground as I walked through a crowd . I became a loner at a very early age . I never had too many friends growing up . Knowing exactly when your friends were going to die isn 't something you want to have in your head every time you see them . I can remember the first time it happened . I was about four or five . You know those hazy memories you have from your really early childhood ? The ones that play through your head in a sort of stop motion sequence . I remember sitting on the floor of our living room playing with my new doll that Santa Claus had brought me . She had pretty auburn curls like me . I remember my dad calling my name " Hey , Sarah , look up here at daddy ! " When I looked up , half of his face was covered by a big bulky camera . I could see him smiling and making noises to get me to pay attention . I remember letters and numbers appearing right over his head . I pointed at them and dad snapped the picture . I started to tell him the letters I saw . I pointed above his head and said , " M ! I see M daddy ! " I began to clap my hands in excitement as I identified the remaining letters and numbers . I 'll never forget the way my father 's face looked when he realized what I was reading . My father also had the " knowledge " , that 's what the two of us would call it . He explained what it meant once I was a bit older . When I was still young and pointing out letters and numbers above people 's heads my dad would remind me it was not polite to point , so I would whisper it to myself . When I learned how to read , that 's when everything changed . I couldn 't understand why I was seeing days of the week and months written above people 's heads . I remember asking him if that was their birthday . He smiled down at me " Sort of , it 's a special day , a day where they move on to a new adventure , " he 'd said . My dad was a pretty great dad . He was always so optimistic , which is pretty hard to be when your daughter has told you the exact date you will leave her on her own . By mystrangefictionin TimelineApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 2017637 WordsLeave a comment Writing Prompt : High School Warning I am in the middle of writing two stories and sometimes I need a break from plotting and working through what happens when . So , I hop on the interwebs and search for a writing prompt to get my mind off of the story at hand . Writer 's block is real and it sucks . I try to combat this by turning to writing prompts . You don 't have to think too hard , it 's merely an exercise . When working with a prompt , the basic idea is given to you . All you have to do is play . You can find prompts anywhere , on pinterest , on tumblr , or in books . If you are stuck or bored , I encourage you to try and work on a prompt . Don 't worry about pretense or what happens in the future . Don 't worry about grammar or sentence structure , just start writing . Prompt : A kid in your grade whom you don 't know very well shows up at your house one day to tell you something important . What does he look like ? What does he say ? I am staring through my peep hole at Josh McMahon . Why on Earth is Josh McMahon knocking on my front door ? Don 't get me wrong , I have dreamed of Josh showing up on my doorstep to proclaim his undying love for me since freshman year , but he would actually have to know I existed for that to happen . I slowly open the door and just stare at him . He is the epitome of every high school girls fantasy , whether they admit it or not . Low slung well fitted jeans , snug baseball shirt and converse tennis shoes . He looks around nervously and pushes his dark brown hair out of his face . " Why ? " is all I can manage to get out . I instantly regret that this is the very first word that I have ever said to Josh McMahon . His head snaps back to look at me with piercing green eyes . " I have to tell you something , can I come in ? " , he takes one more nervous look around and I get the feeling that this is some sort of prank . " You can 't tell me out here ? " I ask , following his gaze to try and see who he might be looking for . " I really don 't want anyone to see me here . " Josh says hesitantly . " Wow , yeah , that totally makes me want to invite you in . " Feeling completely humiliated I go to shut the door . Josh steps forward placing his foot in the doorway . " I 'm sorry , It 's just really important , and no one can know it came from me . " I wanted to kick him out of the doorway and slam the door in his face , but I couldn 't . He was looking at me with so much concern that it almost knocked the wind out of me . I opened the door enough to let Josh pass through , and shut it behind him . Without a word I walked towards the kitchen and sat on a stool at the breakfast bar . Josh stood on the other side , palms on the counter looking around my parents kitchen . " Well ? " I said expectantly . This was the weirdest afternoon I 'd had in quite some time . He looked down at me and said " Sam Tyndall is going to ask you to prom . " Yep , this is definitely the weirdest afternoon I have EVER had . I sat there stunned in silence . If Josh McMahon was the prince of Duke High , Sam Tyndall was the king . Captain of the football team , only dated cheerleaders , you know the type . " You 're joking . " I found myself saying . Josh looked exasperated . " No , I 'm not . You can 't go with him . " By mystrangefictionin Writing promptsApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 2017635 Words2 Comments What Happened on White Chapel Avenue ? What DID happen on White Chapel avenue ? That is a very good question , and Detective Nick Mendoza is trying desperately to find the answer . This is the third brutal homicide in as many months that the young detective has been called in to work on . If a desirable result follows an action , it is more likely that the action will occur again and again . The feeling of euphoria a junkie gets when they first take a hit . The numbness an alcoholic feels once they 've passed out . The feeling a surgeon gets while his scalpel glides through human skin with ease . An orgasm . Addiction stems from actions and results . Once a person has experienced the desired result , that action becomes a compulsion . They are constantly chasing that first high , wondering how they can make this time feel as good as it did then . How does one do that ? How do you manage an addiction or a compulsion . You up the stakes . His coffee had gone cold , but he barely noticed . He knew he would need the caffeine , so he gulped it down as fast as he could . The day had been long and it was about to become an even longer night . Police cars and crime scene unit vehicles filled the narrow street in front of the White Chapel apartment building . Rain fell softly and reflected red and blue across Detective Nick Mendoza 's windshield as he idled to a stop . He quickly jumped out of his car , pulling the collar of his rain coat up around his ears . " Where 's our witness ? " Nick called to his partner , Detective Jenkins , who was standing on the sidewalk barking orders at anyone that would listen . " She 's in the ambulance , " Jenkins said , meeting his partner in the street . " I figured you 'd want to take a shot at her first , so I 'll be up at the scene . I heard it 's nasty . " " Don 't move anything until I get up there , " Nick said . " You got it , partner . " The detectives parted ways and Nick made his way over to the ambulance . This is big , he thought to himself . He and Jenkins had been tracking this case for two months with little to go on . The detectives were frustrated to say the least . The only thing known about this guy was his shoe size and that he liked to dissect pretty women . This killer was clean and meticulous , leaving barely a trace of evidence - but now there was a witness . A witness could change everything . A witness could break this case wide open , and Nick was desperate for that to happen . His captain was showing a lot of faith in him by letting Nick handle this investigation . He knew if he screwed it up he 'd be on traffic duty until retirement . Although it had not been confirmed that this was the same perp , he had a gut feeling that it was . Cases like this made careers , and the young detective could taste the victory coming . He was going to get this guy come hell or high water . He rounded the side of the ambulance , stopping abruptly when he saw a slender brunette sitting in the back . Her big green eyes were red and puffy from crying . She was wrapped in a blanket despite the warm night . An EMT stood in front of her as he worked on a gash on her forehead . She looked so small in the ambulance . The detective pushed the image of this young woman fighting for her life out of his head . " I 'm detective Mendoza , " he said , moving his coat aside so she could see his badge . " I 'd like to ask you a few questions , if that 's okay . " " I 'm not sure what happened . " " That 's okay , " he said reassuringly . " Anything you remember could be helpful . Was he tall ? Did he have a tattoo ? Did he say anything ? " The EMT turned to the detective . " We really need to get her to a hospital . " Nick nodded . " Miss Maynard , I 'll meet you there and we can continue once you 're feeling a little better . " She looked up at him , completely exhausted . " Please , call me Jacqueline , " she said softly . Her eyes were full of emotion despite her obvious fatigue . Nick could swear he saw a thousand thoughts dance across her eyes as he spoke to her . He thought she must still be reeling from what happened . Gently placing a hand on her shoulder , he said " You 're safe now , Jacqueline . " She gave him a weak smile as the EMT helped her up into the ambulance . Nick shut the door and put his note pad back in his pocket . He bounded up the stairs , taking them two at a time to get to the crime scene . There was a body in the hallway in front of the victim 's apartment . He got closer and saw that it was an elderly woman with multiple stab wounds . Nick knew immediately that she was not this guy 's type . He liked them young and beautiful . " Collateral damage ? " he asked the medical inspector who was standing over the old woman 's body . She nodded as she took down notes . The detective stepped around the body to reach the apartment door . " Any sign of forced entry ? " he asked the CSU technician inspecting the apartment door . " Nope , just like the others , " the young man answered . Nick knew the answer to that question before it was given , but he liked to make people feel necessary . It came in handy when he needed a favor . Once in the apartment , he took a look around . CSU were everywhere taking pictures and collecting evidence . In the middle of the living room on a plastic tarp was the body of a redheaded woman . Her abdomen was sliced open with her organs exposed , and her neck and limbs were severed from her body . Nick circled her body like a shark , mentally going over the evidence in front of him . " Looks like little Miss Maynard interrupted him , " Jenkins answered , taking a puff of his cigarette . Nick caught the scent of tobacco and his head shot up . " Jenkins ! Put that shit out ! " he yelled . Jenkins rolled his eyes and threw the cigarette out the open window . He walked over to his partner , pulling his notepad out of his pocket . " Our vic , " he began , indicating the woman on the floor . " Mary Kelly , 32 . She was a yoga instructor . " He looked at Nick and wiggled his eyebrows . " You 're seriously messed up in the head , Jenkins . " Jenkins shrugged and continued . " No sign of forced entry so she probably knew the guy . Her friend , Maynard , came over while the guy was doing his thing and he cracked her in the skull with this . " He handed Nick an evidence bag containing a silver candle holder stained with blood . " The neighbor , Ms . Harvey , was stabbed to death . She must have heard all the commotion and came over . She bled out before anyone could get here . " Jenkins flipped his notepad closed . He pulled a straw from behind his ear and put it in his mouth to chew . " What is it ? " Nick asked , quickly walking over to him . He yanked the bag from his hand and inspected it . " Jenkins , if this bastard left his DNA , I 'm getting a lottery ticket ! " he said with a smile . " Where was this ? " " On the fire escape , " the technician explained . " The window that leads out to it was open when we got here . " " And we 're sure it 's not Jenkins 's ? " Detective Jenkins grabbed the evidence bag and looked closely at the cigarette butt in the bag . " Nope , not my brand . Are we sure it 's not Mary Kelly 's ? " Jenkins asked . " She was a yoga instructor . If she smoked , I 'll buy you a lottery ticket . " He took the bag from Jenkins and gave it to the CSU tech . " Get this to the lab ASAP ! " The tech nodded and left the room . " We need to get to the hospital to talk to our witness , " Nick said , unable to hide his excitement as he turned to leave the apartment . Jenkins found himself having to jog to keep up with his partner . " Her head was banged up , but she seemed pretty alert . " Jenkins chuckled and shook his head as the two men walked down the stairs and back out to the street .
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What is all this ? This blog was created as a safe space for me to organize and share my short stories and other creative writing efforts . Thank you for stopping by ! Shout out to my dear friend Madeline Smith for her mad proof reading and editing skills . Lost in Space - Short story competition * * Update * * 06 / 19 / 2017 I won ! This is the winning submission for the Lost in Space short story contest . I am thrilled and completely humbled to have won my very first competition . " I 'm sorry , Detective Mackay , but there is no student with that name and birth date at this school . " " You 're sure ? " I knew I was pushing it , but I just didn 't understand how this could be possible . The large red - headed guidance counselor - whose faded name tag identified her as Ms . Simons , ' Director of Guidance ' - breathed a loud sigh and pushed her glasses up her sweaty nose . She turned back to her computer and banged a few keys on the keyboard . I didn 't miss the longing look she gave the smut novel sitting on the other side of her desk . " How many ways can you spell Peter Miller ? " I asked . My aggravated tone was immediately greeted with a threatening look from Ms . Simons . I wanted to get right in her face and tell her that a young man , who at one point had definitely attended her school , was missing and I needed to find him immediately . I could tell , however , that she was done with me . My snark was delaying her precious alone time with Mr . Exposed Nipples on the cover of her book , the spine of which looked very well worn from many lonely afternoons . " Thank you for your time , Ms . Simons , " I said with as much appreciation as I could muster . I pushed myself out of the stiff office chair and made my way to the hallway . As I turned to shut her office door , I watched as the eager guidance counselor picked up her novel and reached into her desk drawer for a bag of spicy Cheetos . Work to do , indeed . I pulled my tablet out of my bag to consult the case file as I walked through the school 's courtyard . Class wouldn 't be out for a few more minutes , so I decided to sit on top of a red picnic table and pull up the victim 's information . Peter Miller . He was currently a high school senior at Ridgemont High - or he was supposed to be , anyway . A quick glance at the sign in front of the building told me that I was in the right place . Peter was last seen at a local coffee shop after school on September 25th , 2028 . I quickly opened the calendar application on the tablet to make sure it was in fact the 25th of September . Going back just a few days didn 't usually mess with my devices , but I checked anyway just to be on the safe side . I didn 't understand how there was no record of Peter being a student here . Peter 's parents had given me full access to all of his information , including Peter 's last school yearbook . I had never had something like this happen on a case . Detectives of my kind were still fairly new since the discovery of time travel was only about a decade ago . Most cases were open and shut . Someone would go missing , get kidnapped , or even be murdered , and if their family had enough money , my firm would be contacted . We conducted investigations in the P . D . , or present day , to find out when and where they were last seen and whom they were with . We would then travel back to the time of their last appearance , find them , and get them to a safe house until we were able to catch the perpetrator . The bell rang , bringing me out of my thoughts . I looked up as students began to flood the courtyard . " Excuse me , what 's today 's date ? " I asked a student who was walking by . " Yes , but what is the year ? " I asked as I looked back at my tablet . The boy gave me a puzzled look . " Dude , it 's 2028 , " he said with an eye roll as he walked past me while mumbling something about pot heads . I flipped through the file , and found Peter 's parking lot number . I hopped off of the picnic table with a new determination . I knew that if Peter was not a student on record he wouldn 't be parked in his spot , but I wanted to see who was . I pulled into spot 74 and turned off my engine . Peter 's Jeep was supposed to be parked here for another 10 minutes at least , according to the time on my dashboard . I heard a voice outside my window and looked up to find a girl talking animatedly on her phone . I immediately recognized her , and smiled at my luck . This girl had to know Peter . Maybe she knew why he wasn 't a student here anymore , or where I could find him . Bethany Flemming , Peter Miller 's girlfriend . This bubbly girl with the contagious laugh has no idea that in just 48 hours she will be in my office crying , telling me about the last time she had seen Peter . She was the last person to see him at the coffee shop where they had met to study for a calculus test . She would look up at me through her tears , a look of vague recognition in her eyes . " You look familiar , " she will say with a croaky voice as she leaves my office . Even after 5 years of doing this job , it still gave me a thrill when someone subconsciously made a time travel connection . Only our clients knew what we did ; it 's one of our rules . Former clients were required to sign a non - disclosure agreement stating they would never reveal the identity of their investigator . We aren 't stupid , we know people talk . How else would we get work ? Unfortunately more and more people were finding out about us and wanted to either join ranks or stop us . The ones who wanted to stop us posed more of a threat , obviously , because they were mostly the people who got caught . I opened my door just as she hung up her phone call . I gave her a nod and a smile when she looked up at me . " Excuse me , miss , who usually parks here ? " I asked . " No one . That spot has been empty all year , " she answered as she threw her book bag in the backseat of her car . This was getting stranger by the minute . How does she not know who Peter is ? They had dated for two years and , according to his parents , Peter had wanted to propose once they graduated . I felt my heart begin to race as a million different questions flew through my brain . Where was this kid ? Had someone completely erased his existence ? Who would be capable of doing that ? Someone with access to time travel . The idea that criminals were evolving to outrun us both terrified and excited me . " Do you know a Peter Miller ? " I shouldn 't have asked that . It could risk too many things , but I couldn 't stop myself from blurting it out . Bethany thought for a moment before answering . I gave her one final smile and turned to make my way back to my car . I sat and stared at my steering wheel as I contemplated the two possible courses of action I could take . One was to go back to the present and check all the facts with Peter 's parents - if they were still his parents , that is . The second was to go back to Peter 's birth date and make sure he was actually born . Having made my decision I reached over to open my glove compartment to get out my travel device when something caught my eye . There was a mark on the front of the glove compartment that I had never noticed before . I ran my finger over the mark , it was a scratch in the shape of an " F " . When I pulled my finger away from the scratch , another mark began to form . I sat back in my seat , unable to believe what I was seeing . I watched as the words " FIND ME " appeared in deep scratches across my glove compartment . By mystrangefictionin Uncategorized , Writing promptsMay 13 , 2017June 19 , 20171 , 520 WordsLeave a comment Summer Reading Adventure I grew up performing in some fashion . Whether it was singing , dancing , or just trying to make my friends laugh . When I was in high school I got into the Theatre and a true passion was ignited . I took a break from the acting world for a few years once I graduated college with a degree in Theatre . Taking on the role of Blanche is extremely taxing on the actor who portrays her . Even more so if that actor has a full time job and is a wife and mother , like myself . I can 't wait to take on my next theatrical endeavor , but right now I am taking a break for a little while until another show comes along that I want to audition for . In the meantime , I 've decided to occupy my mind and satisfy my Theatre itch by making a a summer reading list of scripts to read . This list is compiled of classics , staples , and new work . I asked friends and the internet for plays that all actors should read and this is what I came up with . Most of these I have not read and some of them I have , but not in a very long time . Joe was the last person on Earth that I expected to do that . I mean , I don 't expect a lot of men to show up on my roof at 4 : 37 in the morning , tell me that I am the leader of an ancient supernatural race , sprout wings , and then fly me to an open field full of men and women with the same wings . Yet , that is exactly what has happened . Joe , really ? He 's always seemed so average . He literally is an average freaking joe ! Average height and build with an everyday middle aged male haircut . His hair is even a mousy dishwater blonde . I always overlooked Joe , he was just there in the background . That was his goal , I guess . That 's what a royal supernatural " guardian " is supposed to do , blend in . So tonight Joe shows up on my roof , wings out , and explains that he has been watching over me . Protecting me my entire life , and that there has been some terrible disturbance in the lives of my " people " and I have to go save them . I literally just met this man three years ago when I took the job at Terra Corp , the largest environmental law firm in the city . He 's been my mild mannered supervisor ( oh the irony ) ever since . I thought I 'd had one too many G & T 's that night and this was just some weird drunken dream , what else could explain it ? I turned to go back inside and Joe swooped , like actually swooped in and picked me up . We flew off into the night . I 'm pretty sure I screamed and called him every single horrible name I could think of . We finally landed in the field and I immediately threw up . Yep , too many G & T 's . " What in the actual hell , Joe ? " I asked in between ragged breaths . I was doubled over on my hands and knees . " I 'm sorry Julie , I know this is a lot to take in . I didn 't want you to find out this way , but orders are orders . " Joe walked to me cautiously and crouched to put a comforting hand on my shoulder . " Would you like some water ? " Joe asked as I stood and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand . " I 'd prefer an explanation ! " , I said , sounding completely hysterical . Joe looked around , we were off to the side of a wide field where a few tents were set up with benches and different weapons . It was then that I noticed that the sky looked like it was around noon , instead of the early hours of the morning . " Let 's start with water . " He then took off faster than a human could possibly move . I collapsed on a nearby bench looking out over the field where incredibly muscular men and women were sparring with swords and spears . Where the fucking hell was I ? " You are the only living leader . " Joe 's crazy words repeated in my foggy brain . Leader of who ? I 've never lead anything , or anyone . I did assistant direct a production of Death of a Salesman in 10th grade . Does that count as previous work experience ? My head was pounding and my stomach was rumbling . " What are you thinking ? " Joe said as he handed me a canteen of water . I was startled by is words , I didn 't even hear him walk up . " I 'm thinking that I am way more drunk than I thought I was , and I have a fantastic imagination . " I took generous gulps of water . " Julie , you aren 't drunk , and you 're not dreaming . There is still more for me to explain , and a lot for you to learn . Are you going to be okay ? " Joe looked at me with fatherly concern . That was new . " Yeah , I 'm cool . " I said unconvincingly as I finished my water . Joe laughed , and it was the most comforting thing I 'd heard in the last 24 hours . Joe stood and reached a hand out to me . " Come on , I 'll show you around the camp . " Chaos surrounded the detectives as they exited the elevator on the trauma floor of the hospital . Doctors and nurses buzzed about , taking care of patients and going over charts . A team of doctors pushing a patient on a gurney nearly side swiped Detective Jenkins on their way to the operating room . Nick walked up to the reception desk where several nurses were busy working . " We 're here to see Jacqueline Maynard , " he said across the desk to the nurses . None of them looked up from what they were doing . The hallway was loud and crowded so he repeated himself a little louder . Two nurses looked up and gave him a dirty look for interrupting them . He turned to Jenkins , throwing his hands up . Jenkins chuckled to himself . The older detective turned back to the nurse as he smoothed his gray hair back and prepared his best smile . Jenkins may have been older than his partner , but he still had his boyish charm and rugged good looks . " Excuse me Miss , I hate to interrupt your work . I know you 're terribly busy … " The nurse looked up at Jenkins . She couldn 't help but return his smile with her own . " Wow , you have a great smile , " Jenkins said . He made a point to look over at Nick with a big grin . Nick rolled his eyes , he usually hated putting up with Jenkins 's antics but he needed this to work . " Oh yes , poor thing . She 's really shaken up . " Nick moved in closer to hear what the nurse was saying . " I believe the doctor is in with her now , I can check and see if she 's ready to see you . " The nurse got up and went into a room directly across from the reception desk . Jenkins gave Nick a satisfied smile . " And that is how it 's done , my boy , " he said , slapping Nick on the shoulder . " You need to learn how to finesse the fairer sex . " " I 'll be sure to work on that , " Nick said dryly . " She 's had severe trauma to her head , which could affect her memory for awhile . Other than that just a few minor bumps and bruises . She 's very lucky , " the doctor said , folding the chart under his arms . " Is she conscious ? " asked Nick . He was getting a little antsy to speak with Jacqueline . He knew that having a witness could be a great thing for a case , but waiting too long could cause the witness 's memory to become foggy . The human memory was a tricky thing . Nick squeezed his eyes shut as a feeling of dread came over him . Why is the captain here ? He thought to himself . He turned to the intimidatingly tall man now standing at the reception desk . He was in a suit even though it was two in the morning . This told Nick he was here on business . " Captain Barrett , I hope my text didn 't wake you . I just wanted to let you know what was happening , " Nick said , walking over to him . " Jenkins and I are about to talk to the witness . " Captain Barrett , with his buzzed hair cut and square posture , was every bit a former military man . This was the man that Nick needed to impress . This was also the man who scared the piss out of him . " Of course you woke me up , " the captain said , exasperated with the young detective . " I 'm here to make sure you don 't ruin this investigation . A lot can go wrong with a witness , " the captain said , looking Nick square in the eyes . " I know , sir . I think I can handle it . I already built a rapport with the woman at the scene . I think she trusts me , " Nick said , feigning confidence . " Plus Jenkins will be with me , " he added quickly . " You won 't need to , " Nick said . He was trying to hide his anger , but his fists were clenched tightly by his side . Captain Barrett nodded and Nick turned and walked past Jenkins to the hospital room door . Nick looked at his partner with his fists still clenched . " I don 't want to go there right now . " He walked over to the bed were Jacqueline appeared to be sleeping . " Miss Maynard ? " Nick said softly . He hated to wake her when she looked so peaceful , but they needed to know what she saw . Nick waited for a response but she did not move . " She out ? " Jenkins asked coming to stand opposite his partner on the other side of the bed . " Looks like it , " said Nick still looking down at her , watching her slow even breathing . There was something about her face that was hypnotic in a way . He found himself remembering her expressive eyes at the crime scene and wanted to see them again . " She 's hot , right ? " said Jenkins , effectively interrupting Nick 's thoughts . He looked up at Jenkins . " That 's what this guy goes for , " Nick answered . " All his Vics have been beautiful . " Not as beautiful as this one , he thought to himself and then pushed that idea out of his head . He needed to focus on the task at hand . Jenkins nodded in agreement . " Did you see the pictures of that yoga instructor before she got chopped ? " Jenkins asked then whistled through his teeth . " Man , it sure is a shame that a body like that went to waste , and a redhead too ! You know what they say about redheads … " Nick was about to tell his partner to knock it off when Jacqueline stirred in her bed . " I must … I … must , " she said as her eyes fluttered open and then closed again . Her eyes slowly blinked open . " I must … be … dreaming , " The two detectives looked at each other , confused . " Jacqueline you 're in the hospital , you were attacked . I 'm sorry , but you aren 't dreaming , " Nick said cautiously . " I must be . A respectable cop would never speak that way about a dead woman , " Jacqueline said . Her voice was breathless , but her eyes shot daggers at Detective Jenkins . He looked down at the floor , embarrassed . She looked up at Nick , her eyes brimming with tears . " You can , " she said , " but he has to go . " She spat her words at Jenkins . Nick was surprised by her spunk and found himself trying hard not to smile at the discomfort of his partner . " It might be best if you step outside , Jenkins , " Nick said . Jenkins rolled his eyes as he left the room . " I 'm really sorry about my partner , " Nick said , turning back to to Jacqueline . She was looking up at him . Her eyes once again seemed to show her thoughts zipping through her mind at lightning speed . Nick wanted to know what she was thinking . " He 's a good cop , not necessarily a good person , " he said . Her words caught the detective off guard and a boyish smile broke across his face . " I try to be , " he said . " Do you mind if we talk about what happened tonight ? " Jacqueline nodded as she tried to prop herself up in the bed . Her face pinched together in pain and Nick reached down to help her . He placed a pillow behind her back to make her more comfortable . " You okay ? " Nick asked and immediately realized how idiotic of a question that was . Of course she wasn 't okay . The poor woman had walked in on her friend being dissected by a madman and then she almost died from a blow to the head . " I guess so , all things considered , " she said with a faint smile . " I told you , I 'm not sure what happened . " She brought her hand up and squeezed the bridge of her nose with her fingers to relieve pressure . " That 's fine , " Nick said . " Let 's start somewhere else . " Jacqueline looked up at him with a look of sheer anxiety across her face . Nick continued , " How did you know Miss Kelly ? " Nick cleared his throat . This was the worst part about his job - dealing with others ' pain and grief . He was the kind of person who took on others ' pain - always had been . He hated it . Solving the puzzle , catching the bad guy … that was what Nick loved about the job . Making sure that people in his community were safe was his driving force . He did not think he would ever get used to a crying victim . He wanted to reach out and comfort Jacqueline , but he knew that was a bad idea . Jacqueline wiped tears from her eyes . " New Horizons Rehab Center . I am a behavioral psychologist . Mary taught yoga to the patients there three times a week . They all loved her . " Nick had stopped writing and looked up from his notes at Jacqueline . " What ? Why are you looking at me like that ? " she asked , wondering why the detective had a huge grin that almost split his face in two . " I 'm sorry , " Nick said noticing that his expression seemed to unnerve her . He quickly asked his next question . " Did you or Mary ever have any affiliation with the Center for Hope ? " Jacqueline seemed to think on this for a moment . " Now that you mention it , yes . I consulted on some patient files a few years back at the request of the director ; he was a friend from grad school . I don 't know about Mary . " " What was the director 's name ? " Nick asked . He could barely contain his excitement . " Thomas Johanson , but he couldn 't be involved with this , " she said , looking at Nick with confusion . She placed her head in her hands and closed her eyes . " My brain is so foggy . Can we do this later ? " Nick closed his note pad . " Of course , " he said , the smile returning to his face . He handed her a card from his pocket . " Why don 't you give me a call when you 're discharged and you can come down to the station to make your statement ? " Where do you start when dissecting a human body ? To some , it might seem a little overwhelming . Do you start at the top or the bottom ? The back or the front ? How do you know the correct amount of pressure to apply to slice through the skin , but not puncture an organ ? My father used to have this saying whenever I would come to him overwhelmed by my school work or some other adolescent problem . He would look up from whatever book he was reading , with his slender reading glasses perched at the end of his nose and say ; " How do you eat an elephant ? " After years of this I didn 't need him to answer the question for me . I would simply reply " One bite at a time , " and just like that a sense of invincibility would come over me . That mantra would act as a reset button to calm my nerves . His words were a reminder that anything can be conquered if you take it apart one piece at a time . One bite at a time Some people become killers because they feel like they have no control or because they are damaged . Aren 't we all damaged in some way ? People assume the worst about serial killers . You have some weird religious belief . You were abused or molested as a child which causes you to lash out in a horrific manner . Or my favorite , you 're just plain evil . That is not always true . I don 't believe I am evil . Sometimes you just need to find the thing that makes you feel powerful . We all have our own coping methods . My father 's words still ring in my head every time I drag my blade from sternum to navel . ( That 's the answer by the way . Start at the top and work your way down . ) All of my anxieties and insecurities , for the time being , float away with every layer I pull back . I get stronger and more powerful with every vital organ I remove . I know my coping method isn 't ideal . I 'm not crazy , I know killing people is wrong . We all know things we do are wrong , but we do them anyway . It all comes down to how bad off you are without your fix . I tried to cut back once . I really did try ! I was at a point where I needed a fix once a week . I realized that is just too much . I found that keeping a token was a good way for me to cope between my outings . I chose to cut about a 5 inch length of hair from each of them . Enough to play with between my fingers when I get the itch . It 's always the last piece I remove . The final bite of my elephant . Mary had the prettiest red hair I 'd ever seen . I told her it was beautiful several times before I decided to take it . She would just smile and run her hands through her gorgeous red mane . Now I can run my fingers through it whenever I want . By mystrangefictionin White Chapel AvenueApril 13 , 2017April 13 , 20172 , 663 WordsLeave a comment Timeline Prologue I had this idea a few weeks ago , what if you knew the exact moment your loved ones were going to die ? Then it evolved into more . What if it happened every time you made eye contact with someone . I wondered what life would be like for that person . I wondered how they would feel about life and death . Would they try to save people ? Would they be able to have any sort of relationships ? What kind of job would they have ? I got used to looking away . At first it was hard not to tell them or at least give them some sort of idea of when it would happen . For a time , I thought it was a great idea to tell them . Especially if it was going to happen soon . I 'd be in line for coffee and I 'd see someone on the phone and it would change , right then . Their time was sooner than it had been just a moment ago because of a choice they had made right then . I would try and approach them and find some way to let them know they were making a bad decision . Unfortunately you can 't just go around telling people that they will die very soon if they do this or that . They would tell me I was crazy , or call the cops . I learned to keep to myself and look down at the ground as I walked through a crowd . I became a loner at a very early age . I never had too many friends growing up . Knowing exactly when your friends were going to die isn 't something you want to have in your head every time you see them . I can remember the first time it happened . I was about four or five . You know those hazy memories you have from your really early childhood ? The ones that play through your head in a sort of stop motion sequence . I remember sitting on the floor of our living room playing with my new doll that Santa Claus had brought me . She had pretty auburn curls like me . I remember my dad calling my name " Hey , Sarah , look up here at daddy ! " When I looked up , half of his face was covered by a big bulky camera . I could see him smiling and making noises to get me to pay attention . I remember letters and numbers appearing right over his head . I pointed at them and dad snapped the picture . I started to tell him the letters I saw . I pointed above his head and said , " M ! I see M daddy ! " I began to clap my hands in excitement as I identified the remaining letters and numbers . I 'll never forget the way my father 's face looked when he realized what I was reading . My father also had the " knowledge " , that 's what the two of us would call it . He explained what it meant once I was a bit older . When I was still young and pointing out letters and numbers above people 's heads my dad would remind me it was not polite to point , so I would whisper it to myself . When I learned how to read , that 's when everything changed . I couldn 't understand why I was seeing days of the week and months written above people 's heads . I remember asking him if that was their birthday . He smiled down at me " Sort of , it 's a special day , a day where they move on to a new adventure , " he 'd said . My dad was a pretty great dad . He was always so optimistic , which is pretty hard to be when your daughter has told you the exact date you will leave her on her own . By mystrangefictionin TimelineApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 2017637 WordsLeave a comment Writing Prompt : High School Warning I am in the middle of writing two stories and sometimes I need a break from plotting and working through what happens when . So , I hop on the interwebs and search for a writing prompt to get my mind off of the story at hand . Writer 's block is real and it sucks . I try to combat this by turning to writing prompts . You don 't have to think too hard , it 's merely an exercise . When working with a prompt , the basic idea is given to you . All you have to do is play . You can find prompts anywhere , on pinterest , on tumblr , or in books . If you are stuck or bored , I encourage you to try and work on a prompt . Don 't worry about pretense or what happens in the future . Don 't worry about grammar or sentence structure , just start writing . Prompt : A kid in your grade whom you don 't know very well shows up at your house one day to tell you something important . What does he look like ? What does he say ? I am staring through my peep hole at Josh McMahon . Why on Earth is Josh McMahon knocking on my front door ? Don 't get me wrong , I have dreamed of Josh showing up on my doorstep to proclaim his undying love for me since freshman year , but he would actually have to know I existed for that to happen . I slowly open the door and just stare at him . He is the epitome of every high school girls fantasy , whether they admit it or not . Low slung well fitted jeans , snug baseball shirt and converse tennis shoes . He looks around nervously and pushes his dark brown hair out of his face . " Why ? " is all I can manage to get out . I instantly regret that this is the very first word that I have ever said to Josh McMahon . His head snaps back to look at me with piercing green eyes . " I have to tell you something , can I come in ? " , he takes one more nervous look around and I get the feeling that this is some sort of prank . " You can 't tell me out here ? " I ask , following his gaze to try and see who he might be looking for . " I really don 't want anyone to see me here . " Josh says hesitantly . " Wow , yeah , that totally makes me want to invite you in . " Feeling completely humiliated I go to shut the door . Josh steps forward placing his foot in the doorway . " I 'm sorry , It 's just really important , and no one can know it came from me . " I wanted to kick him out of the doorway and slam the door in his face , but I couldn 't . He was looking at me with so much concern that it almost knocked the wind out of me . I opened the door enough to let Josh pass through , and shut it behind him . Without a word I walked towards the kitchen and sat on a stool at the breakfast bar . Josh stood on the other side , palms on the counter looking around my parents kitchen . " Well ? " I said expectantly . This was the weirdest afternoon I 'd had in quite some time . He looked down at me and said " Sam Tyndall is going to ask you to prom . " Yep , this is definitely the weirdest afternoon I have EVER had . I sat there stunned in silence . If Josh McMahon was the prince of Duke High , Sam Tyndall was the king . Captain of the football team , only dated cheerleaders , you know the type . " You 're joking . " I found myself saying . Josh looked exasperated . " No , I 'm not . You can 't go with him . " By mystrangefictionin Writing promptsApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 2017635 Words2 Comments What Happened on White Chapel Avenue ? What DID happen on White Chapel avenue ? That is a very good question , and Detective Nick Mendoza is trying desperately to find the answer . This is the third brutal homicide in as many months that the young detective has been called in to work on . If a desirable result follows an action , it is more likely that the action will occur again and again . The feeling of euphoria a junkie gets when they first take a hit . The numbness an alcoholic feels once they 've passed out . The feeling a surgeon gets while his scalpel glides through human skin with ease . An orgasm . Addiction stems from actions and results . Once a person has experienced the desired result , that action becomes a compulsion . They are constantly chasing that first high , wondering how they can make this time feel as good as it did then . How does one do that ? How do you manage an addiction or a compulsion . You up the stakes . His coffee had gone cold , but he barely noticed . He knew he would need the caffeine , so he gulped it down as fast as he could . The day had been long and it was about to become an even longer night . Police cars and crime scene unit vehicles filled the narrow street in front of the White Chapel apartment building . Rain fell softly and reflected red and blue across Detective Nick Mendoza 's windshield as he idled to a stop . He quickly jumped out of his car , pulling the collar of his rain coat up around his ears . " Where 's our witness ? " Nick called to his partner , Detective Jenkins , who was standing on the sidewalk barking orders at anyone that would listen . " She 's in the ambulance , " Jenkins said , meeting his partner in the street . " I figured you 'd want to take a shot at her first , so I 'll be up at the scene . I heard it 's nasty . " " Don 't move anything until I get up there , " Nick said . " You got it , partner . " The detectives parted ways and Nick made his way over to the ambulance . This is big , he thought to himself . He and Jenkins had been tracking this case for two months with little to go on . The detectives were frustrated to say the least . The only thing known about this guy was his shoe size and that he liked to dissect pretty women . This killer was clean and meticulous , leaving barely a trace of evidence - but now there was a witness . A witness could change everything . A witness could break this case wide open , and Nick was desperate for that to happen . His captain was showing a lot of faith in him by letting Nick handle this investigation . He knew if he screwed it up he 'd be on traffic duty until retirement . Although it had not been confirmed that this was the same perp , he had a gut feeling that it was . Cases like this made careers , and the young detective could taste the victory coming . He was going to get this guy come hell or high water . He rounded the side of the ambulance , stopping abruptly when he saw a slender brunette sitting in the back . Her big green eyes were red and puffy from crying . She was wrapped in a blanket despite the warm night . An EMT stood in front of her as he worked on a gash on her forehead . She looked so small in the ambulance . The detective pushed the image of this young woman fighting for her life out of his head . " I 'm detective Mendoza , " he said , moving his coat aside so she could see his badge . " I 'd like to ask you a few questions , if that 's okay . " " I 'm not sure what happened . " " That 's okay , " he said reassuringly . " Anything you remember could be helpful . Was he tall ? Did he have a tattoo ? Did he say anything ? " The EMT turned to the detective . " We really need to get her to a hospital . " Nick nodded . " Miss Maynard , I 'll meet you there and we can continue once you 're feeling a little better . " She looked up at him , completely exhausted . " Please , call me Jacqueline , " she said softly . Her eyes were full of emotion despite her obvious fatigue . Nick could swear he saw a thousand thoughts dance across her eyes as he spoke to her . He thought she must still be reeling from what happened . Gently placing a hand on her shoulder , he said " You 're safe now , Jacqueline . " She gave him a weak smile as the EMT helped her up into the ambulance . Nick shut the door and put his note pad back in his pocket . He bounded up the stairs , taking them two at a time to get to the crime scene . There was a body in the hallway in front of the victim 's apartment . He got closer and saw that it was an elderly woman with multiple stab wounds . Nick knew immediately that she was not this guy 's type . He liked them young and beautiful . " Collateral damage ? " he asked the medical inspector who was standing over the old woman 's body . She nodded as she took down notes . The detective stepped around the body to reach the apartment door . " Any sign of forced entry ? " he asked the CSU technician inspecting the apartment door . " Nope , just like the others , " the young man answered . Nick knew the answer to that question before it was given , but he liked to make people feel necessary . It came in handy when he needed a favor . Once in the apartment , he took a look around . CSU were everywhere taking pictures and collecting evidence . In the middle of the living room on a plastic tarp was the body of a redheaded woman . Her abdomen was sliced open with her organs exposed , and her neck and limbs were severed from her body . Nick circled her body like a shark , mentally going over the evidence in front of him . " Looks like little Miss Maynard interrupted him , " Jenkins answered , taking a puff of his cigarette . Nick caught the scent of tobacco and his head shot up . " Jenkins ! Put that shit out ! " he yelled . Jenkins rolled his eyes and threw the cigarette out the open window . He walked over to his partner , pulling his notepad out of his pocket . " Our vic , " he began , indicating the woman on the floor . " Mary Kelly , 32 . She was a yoga instructor . " He looked at Nick and wiggled his eyebrows . " You 're seriously messed up in the head , Jenkins . " Jenkins shrugged and continued . " No sign of forced entry so she probably knew the guy . Her friend , Maynard , came over while the guy was doing his thing and he cracked her in the skull with this . " He handed Nick an evidence bag containing a silver candle holder stained with blood . " The neighbor , Ms . Harvey , was stabbed to death . She must have heard all the commotion and came over . She bled out before anyone could get here . " Jenkins flipped his notepad closed . He pulled a straw from behind his ear and put it in his mouth to chew . " What is it ? " Nick asked , quickly walking over to him . He yanked the bag from his hand and inspected it . " Jenkins , if this bastard left his DNA , I 'm getting a lottery ticket ! " he said with a smile . " Where was this ? " " On the fire escape , " the technician explained . " The window that leads out to it was open when we got here . " " And we 're sure it 's not Jenkins 's ? " Detective Jenkins grabbed the evidence bag and looked closely at the cigarette butt in the bag . " Nope , not my brand . Are we sure it 's not Mary Kelly 's ? " Jenkins asked . " She was a yoga instructor . If she smoked , I 'll buy you a lottery ticket . " He took the bag from Jenkins and gave it to the CSU tech . " Get this to the lab ASAP ! " The tech nodded and left the room . " We need to get to the hospital to talk to our witness , " Nick said , unable to hide his excitement as he turned to leave the apartment . Jenkins found himself having to jog to keep up with his partner . " Her head was banged up , but she seemed pretty alert . " Jenkins chuckled and shook his head as the two men walked down the stairs and back out to the street .
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My happy - go - lucky boy Nikko was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Global Developmental Delays on October 6 , 2008 . I 've created a blog to document his journey with autism , life with his siblings and everything else in between . It 's therapeutic for me as well . Thanks for reading ! Maybe not so immune . Nikko woke up this morning with coughs , but he wasn 't very warm . He was fine to send to school , so I did . He was still ok when he came home , except for some crustiness around his nostrils , so perhaps his nose is starting to drip a bit . It didn 't get worse as the day progressed . Nikko conked out for a long nap after we took Lego for a walk around the block . Nikko slept for maybe 2 . 5 hours . I worried about waking him up , worried that he wouldn 't be able to fall asleep at bedtime , but I think I wanted him to get some uninterrupted rest in case he was coming down with something . He 's still active and alert so he can 't have the fever that Audrey has had for two days . I gave her a bath tonight and I think her fever broke , or at least it went down greatly , because she 's not as scorching hot as before . Thank God ! The progress report was forgotten again , but I emailed Ms . Winters and she said that it was on her desk . Nikko had OT today and they introduced the swing to him . She 's trying to introduce him to more resistive strengthening activities . No doubt it 's to improve his core muscles . They also sent home two plates that have a PECS picture of Please Wait taped to them . Nikko holds this when there 's idle time , like while waiting before eating snack , or waiting for the bus . They said it gives his hands something to fidget with . Good idea . I 'll take it along and see if it works for me . I don 't know if he 'll be able to wait with it while at Costco , but I 'll bring it anyway . Gotta go find a birthday present for Dad . I wonder what he 'll like ? ? Funny how Nikko eats pizza for lunch and drinks chocolate milk every day , and he 's the only one who is not sick in our family . I 'm just about over my cold except for a few runny noses . Denis is now suffering coughing and a chest cold . Ronin is slightly warm , and breathing is shallow , but he 's not sick . Poor Audrey woke up with a fever and had it all day , along with the grumpy 's , the crabby 's and fussiness . She didn 't get much rest today and her naps were too short . I hope she 'll get rest tonight . We didn 't go anywhere today . Yesterday was also an at - home day except at the end of the day when Denis proposed that we all go for a walk with Lego . That was a nice outing as it wasn 't too cold outside yet . Our neighbors were also walking their dog with their two kids , Brianna and Alex . We all got home at the same time and their kids were running circles around Ronin and Nikko . Alex was so cute because he was giving hugs to both Ronin and Nikko . Earlier in the day yesterday Mom and Dad stopped by on their way home from visiting Maxwell . When Mom came calling , Ronin came running into a big hug . Nikko also came in and was greeted enthusiastically by them . Mom requested a hug and a kiss and she got both . Nikko even gave Dad some high fives . Mom had told me later on that she was so proud of Nikko , that he seemed to turn around 100 % . I was proud to hear she was pleased with his progress . This evening , Regina came by after an evening meeting . We were getting the boys ready for bed so she shadowed us into the boys ' room . Ronin was crying and wailing , probably because she was there , but Nikko was surprisingly calm at first . When he was all dressed he even did a Nikko Dance in the middle of the room . He was probably wound up because someone different was in the house , which was evidenced later when he protested when we were going to leave the room . Denis stayed in there longer , and that calmed both boys . Tomorrow we have preschool for Nikko . I don 't know if we 'll go to Mom 's house in the afternoon ; it really depends on Audrey 's cPosted by From what I was able to figure out this morning , Nikko must have woken up at 7a and crawled into Ronin 's bed at the foot . He must have been lying on Ronin 's legs , thereby waking up a very disgruntled Ronin , and causing cries and yells at 7a on a Saturday morning . We all were up . Ronin 's crabbiness extended toward 10 - 11a when I took him and Nikko to Target to pick up a script . I made the mistake of going into the toy section with them . Ronin wanted to walk so I let him ( mistake # 2 ) and he dragged a whole construction toy set to me . $ 20 worth . And it got ugly . Nikko was walking , and he did amazingly fine in Target . It wasn 't until we got to Costco that Nikko started getting unruly . I 'm not sure why , but I think that his memories of stopping in the food court for some churros really stuck in his mind . I was completely exhausted when we came back home , mostly because of Ronin , but also because what I thought would be an enjoyable experience for the boys and myself was truly not . They may be my Velcro boys , but there are times when they don 't like me either . The afternoon passed quickly and it was nearing time to leave the house for St . Lambert 's . I hesitated because Ronin 's cough was worse and he just threw up his snack . His breathing was getting raspy , so I gave him an albuterol treatment and decided that if we didn 't go to the San Lorenzo Ruiz celebration , something bad might happen to me . As we assembled our things to go , Nikko had fallen asleep on top of the parking garage toy , standing up . I put on his socks and carried him out to the car . Genius me , I didn 't realize I had forgotten to bring his shoes until we got there . And for the first time ever , Nikko didn 't take off running in Trainor Hall like he usually does . He was rather stuck at our table eating egg rolls and loving the flan in cupcake shells . It was Ronin that was running back and forth , which exacerbated his coughing and raspy breathing . He was totally winded and crazed , but still wanted to keep running . Denis had to take him outside to calm him and kPosted by Not to Costco . Didn 't happen yesterday , didn 't happen today . I feel as if my window of time during Nikko 's preschool is shorter than I 'd like , and I 'd be rushing back home before 11am , depending on where I go . I think Costco doesn 't open until 10a , so I would really have to rush to get back by 11 . Maybe next week I 'll do it in the a . m . Instead , I tried to be productive by sorting through Ronin 's clothes drawers . The weather is changing again and soon there has to be room for fall stuff . I am at a loss on how to organize the boys ' room . But while I was working on Ronin 's pants drawer , Audrey kept crawling into my business and whining . I couldn 't figure out what she wanted . It was only 9 : 45a , too early for her 11a naptime , but Atz told me to just put her down . I did , and that 's exactly what she wanted . Go figure ! When I picked up Nikko from the bus , Mrs . Beyer told me that Nikko was upset when boarding the bus and thus needed his burp cloth . He calmed down as the bus got rolling . But I wondered why he was upset so I emailed Ms . Winters to find out . She got back to me , along with answering my questions about Nikko and a picture schedule and signing : HiJean and I were just discussing the use of signs / pictures for Nikko - and think we will still use both . I would definitely try to use the sign videos because it must be something he can pick up . I think we will just give him all we can - signs , pictures and verbalization to express himself . I am still trying to figure him out and a lot of this is trial and error . We were also thinking that using pictures might be easier than signs due to his motor planning issues . When he is a little more successful with the pictures here I think we can start slowly using them at home . With the picture schedule here - I think he does understand that it means the current activity is over and now in therapy I think he knows if he gives me the bubble picture he can have bubbles . All great first steps . Let 's give it some more time just using them here and then we can talk about how to use tPosted by School was good again for Nikko . Looks like they are working on emotions and feelings this week . They had carrots and dressing for snack today and I was told " He licked dressing off the carrots . " Ms . Winters wrote : He 's doing a lot of appropriate " no " head shakes - when he didn 't want to stand , didn 't want carrots . . . " That 's the truth ! He has been doing head shakes at home for maybe a week and a half , I 'd say . I don 't think I saw it as pronounced as recently . Don 't know why . Maybe his awareness of what he wants and doesn 't want is emerging . I got to watch the other video of him @ school last night and they included the one where they take him to the potty . They sit him down because there 's a kid - sized potty , but I 'm at odds because at home we started that , but our potty seat has handles and they seem to get in the way . These boys want to spread those thighs across the board ! Now we 're standing the boys up to pee directly into the toilet , but maybe they 're not drinking enough juice before bedtime . Been dry all week before bathtime ! When Nikko comes home from school , and after lunch , he 's taken to lying on the floor near the cube shelves by the picture window in the living room and racing a car across the mat . He likes to take a Ferrari that makes noise and rev it back and forth . When I come down on his level on the floor , he tries to push me out of the way . I don 't always give in too easily , and sometimes he 's annoyed that I won 't move that he 'll vocally protest or move away . So many times today I 'd look at him and he 'd seem like he was tired , but not enough to take a nap . During Ronin 's nap I took Nikko and Audrey for a walk with Lego around the block . Audrey was in the bjorn and Nikko was happy to walk next to me . When we rounded the corner near Monica 's house , he could see the school playground and he started whimpering when I whisked him along the sidewalk away from the school . But I focused on walking Lego and didn 't want Nikko to be absorbed in wanting to go to the school . He held my hand around the block untiPosted by Nikko was standing next to Ronin 's bed again this morning when I came in around 7 : 13a , and Ronin was awake in bed too . I was trying to go in and scoop Nikko up without waking up Ronin , but that was obviously moot . Audrey woke up around 7 : 30a as well , so I had all three kiddos in the morning before school . I had to put Audrey back in her crib and take Ronin with me outside when Nikko 's bus came . After school , I got a very good progress report back . Nikko had OT this morning and Mrs . I said that he did a 3 part obstacle course independently . He 's participating in his sensory diet activites well , and he working on drawing O 's around stickers and drawing faces . I used to wonder what the heck a sensory diet was , and then I read about how it 's just a series of activities tailored to each child that lets them work on whatever he has sensory issues with . He has poor muscle tone so they probably work on exercises to build his core muscles , and if he were intolerant of loud noises then they might work with sounds to see what he can handle or how to cope . On the back of the report Margie wrote me a note : I did a sorting activity with Nikko - I started w / red & green bowls & chips . After 4 reps with modeling he could do it 100 % . We moved to 3 and he was at least 75 % . I switched to colored bears to see if he would tranfer - he was tooo cute . He had to kiss & hug little bear before he put into a bowl . Wow ! Awww , really ? That was so nice of Margie to tell me that . And the best part of today was that in the afternoon Kathy Winters emailed me a bunch of video they took on Friday ( Nikko was wearing his green Westbrook shirt ) of Nikko in various activities that morning . We discussed this on Thursday at the Back To School night , and the very next day it looks like Kathy went ahead and started filming . How AWESOME a teacher is that ? I was able to see Nikko be very attentative and participative . The first video was of Nikko on a scooter . They lay him on his tummy and he was supposed to use his arms and legs to propel himself forward , thePosted by Day two of my cold . I really didn 't feel like doing much today , unfortunately . When Nikko has a really defiant tantrum , he tends to fling himself to the floor . Lately , he 's been on the floor a lot , whenever he gets mad about something . I think Ronin was bothering him today to the point that he ended up on the floor , covering his face with his burp cloth , and possibly even crying . I 'm hoping this is a phase that will pass . One good thing I 've noted today is that Nikko is picking up on some direct imitation of gestures lately , such as Cheese and Pizza , and I even caught him imitating me crashing to the floor during a roughhousing game . On Oct . 2nd Nikko has an appointment with Dr . Keen , a developmental behaviorist / pediatrician with Marianjoy Hospital in Wheaton . A friend on Facebook who was a resident with her referred me , and we 've been waiting six months or so to get to this point . I 'm not looking for another diagnosis , but I think I am looking for someone to see what we 've been doing with Nikko and to tell me what I should do next . It 's a scary thought because it seems that each ped has his / her own opinion on how to approach autism , and may push whichever agenda is the one that they support . At Arlington Peds , they don 't believe in the GFCF diet or the supplements route . At St . Alexian , they didn 't offer the diet as an option either , but said to wait until preschool to see how it will go . Dr . Keck said not to start any other therapies . When I voiced that I feared we might lose ground or progress between the end of EI and preschool , she said she didn 't think there 'd be much loss . As our appointment approaches in a few weeks , the more I feel that it 's a good thing we go . Only today did I put into words that I wish some doctor would tell me what to do next . This evening I went to that parent support group for special needs kids in District 57 . It was five ladies plus me , and most of us had kids with autism , but mine was the youngest . It 's scary to hear how Nikko could possibly be in their situations in a few years , wPosted by Saturday ended up being a busy day at home . I took apart the crib and then reassembled it in the 2nd bedroom . Then I put together the IKEA bed ; Denis helped me drill a few holes , and then it was finished . The racing car bed was moved . Finally , the moment of truth arrived when I put Audrey into the crib for bedtime . She laid her head down on the burb cloth , pacifier in mouth , and relaxed . She was great ! Audrey slept through the night , and if she lost her paci I didn 't hear her complain . The boys were a different story , mainly Ronin . Whereas Nikko seemed to accept the new location of his racing car bed , and lay almost contentedly except for one bout where he got up and I ushered him back into bed , Ronin was not happy about the changes that were taking place . He didn 't want to lay in his new bed despite the Lightning McQueen blanket and his cars in hand . I had to stay with him until he fell asleep . They both had some early morning waking , around 5a , but Denis was nearby to stay with them . Tonight , I still had to stay with Ronin until he fell asleep , while Nikko was out like a light because he didn 't nap all day . I am really hoping neither kid will cry in the middle of the night or the early morning , because I 've caught a cold and have that cloudy - headed sick feeling . I need some rest and didn 't get any today because I met up with the Girls for lunch . Can 't miss that GNO , since I don 't have many to attend ! I expect that either boy will wake up tomorrow and protest the closed door , will probably cry until I come get them , and will wake up Audrey in the process . So let 's hope that the morning will not come too early ! Before dinnertime , I was asking Nikko what he wanted to eat , and I asked if he wanted More Pizza . He was smiling when I said that , so I signed it for him a number of times . He imitated my Eat sign , and he even attempted a rough zigzag when I signed Pizza . That was a great effort ! And during dinner he knows how to sign Cheese so when I give Audrey some cheese , Nikko is not far behind in asking . Sometimes he dPosted by Today I dressed up Nikko in his green Westbrook t - shirt for Spirit Day ( every Friday ) and no onesie . I think he thought it felt a little weird , but he didn 't protest . When he got home , his progress report was good . In Speech with Ms . Winters , they worked on requesting things using pictures . They used bubbles and unfortunately had an accident on his shorts . I noticed this when he stepped off the bus in denim shorts , which was his emergency supply . Ms . Winters also noted that they started working on videotaping him ( and probably other classmates ) today . This was something we discussed last night , videotaping how Nikko does during class and sending it home via CD . She said I would be amazed at how he is in school . The CD may come home some time next week so that 's something I 'm anxious to view . After lunch , and during Ronin 's naptime , Nikko was getting sleepy so I encouraged him to lie down on the couch and snooze . Thankfully , that 's exactly what he did , for an hour . After all the kids got snacked , I took them outside to play , then put everyone in the stroller and headed to Fairview School . It was a more successful play trip than the other day . At one point , Ronin was stomping his Croc foot in the dry dirt . Nikko was nearby and started imitating him . Needless to say , both boys had grimy feet to wipe up when they came home , added with Ronin 's grimy hands because he was picking up wood chips and dirt and gleefully spreading it wherever he could . We happened upon Manolo , Brianna and Alex at their house and stopped briefly to chat . Alex was asking me tons of questions about the kids and he noticed Nikko 's green t - shirt . Alex is 5 years old and in kindergarten . Brianna is 7 years old and in 2nd grade . They had a soccer ball out and Ronin started kicking it . The great thing was that he also started dribbling the ball and looked really comfortable doing it down the front lawn ! Nikko was watching but didn 't participate . Manolo 's kids still went up to Nikko and said hello , even if Nikko didn 't respond in kind . I had to get tPosted by Nikko seems content to board the bus and ride to school . He also seems content when he 's on the way home , sitting next to Fiona . He gets the aisle seat so I don 't have to lean over Fiona to unbuckle Nikko and pick him up . He 's also within arm 's reach of Mrs . Beyer , should the need arise . The progress report from school didn 't have any extra comments but showed a positive day at school . This week was titled All About Me . I hope I filled out all the necessary papers that Nikko needed to be able to tell them something about Nikko . I have been having some nice little chats with the twins ' mom after the bus leaves our driveway . We talked about potty training earlier in the week , and today we discussed Halloween costumes and their use of the English language vs . Polish ( and she speaks French too ) . She asked if I was going to the Back To School night meeting tonight and I said I would . I offered her a ride , but she didn 't need one , and I forgot that I wanted to run to Costco after the meeting to get diapers anyway . The afternoon was routine , lunchtime and cleanup afterward , then putting Ronin down for his nap at 2pm . I also put Audrey in our room with the lights on , then went to get Lego for a pee break . I took Nikko outside with me and we trotted up the block and back . He must have enjoyed being on this short walk outdoors because he was giggling and babbling up the sidewalk . I think he enjoyed walking near Lego because he tried to peer into Lego 's face , something that Ronin would do a few times today as well . We had to go back inside because of the babies but instead of putting Lego downstairs I felt bad that he wouldn 't be able to enjoy the sunshine and cool breezes so I linked his leash onto the swingset and left him outside . I think he was confused because he didn 't sleep for a long time . I hope he enjoyed it outside . See ? I 'm not totally cruel to Lego . Denis came home early because I had to go to the meeting tonight , but I still managed to get the kids outside to play after snacktime . Audrey sat in a walker while thPosted by A smooth morning overall with Nikko going to school . Coming home was also good ; I put Audrey down for her nap and Ronin sat outside with me . Nikko had no problems on the bus and even grinned when he saw me at the bus stop . Unfortunately , the teachers forgot to put a progress report in his backpack so I don 't know what they did today , but tomorrow is the Back to School night that I plan to attend . It 's a half hour where they go over what 's being taught in the classroom . Denis is coming home to feed the kids while I go . Should only be for a half hour , and should I choose to stay for the PTA meeting it would be another half hour . We 'll see . Nikko wasn 't in the greatest of moods today . No outbursts , but he was trying to pass a really big # 2 all day . Poor little guy . Finally I took the kids to the part @ Fairview School and hoped they would run around and have fun . Initially they did , but Nikko was soon hunched over the stroller and having his big movement . No more slides or swings for him . I decided to haul us back home to change diapers . Other than his silence throughout the pain and his grunting , Nikko 's been jargoning quite a bit . I wonder how to push a word out of him ( no pun intended ) . Even Audrey 's begun to make audible sounds like Mama , and as I fed her peaches tonight , remarking how sticky she was , I swear I heard her mimic the word Sticky . Back to meals , Nikko ate pizza today without fighting me , and signed for Cookie only twice today . I really should give him one , maybe tomorrow . I think I 'll ask the teachers tomorrow to show me what Nikko 's picture schedule looks like , so I can mimic it at home . I also think I 'm going to start pouring over the autism books I have again , to find activities to help develop the fine motor skills . At school they 're using scissors and stuff , and I don 't think he 's very coordinated with markers even . Probably because I don 't want it to end up on my couch , as it has in the past . Nikko had been clingy to me for most of the weekend , so I dreaded boarding the bus this morning . But he was very accommodating as I put him in the seat and strapped him in , and didn 't shed a single tear . He was a good boy on the way home , too , according to Mrs . Beyer . As I unbuckled Nikko , the blonde girl behind him said , " Nikko has a cute brother . " I thanked her , and realized she was talking about Ronin , who was sitting on the driveway next to the lamppost , guarding my phone and sunglasses and not moving as I instructed . Nikko 's progress report had changed in format but I could still see what activities they did at school , and the OT wrote that he had a hard time separating from his burp cloth but he still worked with a big therapy ball , jumped on a trampoline , and then worked at a table with buttons and pounding plastic tees into styrofoam . Mandarin oranges were the snack today . I wonder if he ate them ? After lunch , I decided to haul the kids to Target to make a return . I chose the Target up north on Lake Cook Road because there was a Cars water bottle I wanted to find . When we got there , I had to wake Nikko up from a short nap and strap everyone into another cart contraption for two toddlers . Nikko ended up not liking it and making it known . The water bottle wasn 't even there . Grrr . On the way home , Ronin and Audrey fell asleep , just as I had hoped , so I rewarded Nikko 's silence with some McD 's fries . At home I let everyone play outside to get their ya - yas out , but the boys were fighting over the jump rope so I was about to haul everyone inside when I told them to go play on the slide . Thankfully Ronin trotted over there , so I was able to bring us all to the swingset . It was a cute picture , actually , with Audrey in the infant swing , Nikko sitting on the regular swing , and Ronin and me on the rocking horse swing . Oh , by the way , Lego is back home . He 's in the basement right now , in his crate , until we can figure out what the permanent situation will be . Lego 's not washed of all the possum blood so I wouldn 't toucPosted by Saturday , no school today for Nikko . I wonder if he missed his friends and teachers . In the late morning I decided to give the boys a haircut . I had to put Audrey down for her nap because there 's no way she would sit still with hair shavings on the floor . Ronin was manageable in front of the laptop watching Tokyo Mater on YouTube , but Nikko didn 't want to sit still in a chair and was moving his cars along the edge of the table . I had to use clippers on a moving target . I know the right side of his head looks fine , but not sure about the left because I didn 't get to see the left that often . After lunch , Nikko managed to fall asleep , Ronin was put down for a nap , and I left Audrey with Denis so I could go get Ronin 's Flovent at Target . I only stayed an hour and didn 't go to the grocery because I felt that Nikko would probably wake up in a bad mood . That 's exactly what happened . I was able to calm him down by going to the kitchen with him to get a cookie . It was snack time for the kids so I rounded them all up and fed them . Afterward , we took a trip to Costco for more chicken nuggets and rice milk . We would have tried to go to Jewel but Nikko was having a meltdown at Costco . I thought he wanted to stop and have a churro at the cafeteria because he paused near the tables and got angry when we didn 't stop . I picked him up and carried him outside despite his protests , just like I did last week on the nature trail . He did calm down , and then didn 't want me to put him down again . When we got home , we hung outside with the kids a while , then came inside and spent a little time downstairs before sending everyone up for dinner . I 've been asking Nikko to sign for things and he won 't freely sign More . He was doing something with his fingers that mimicked the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star song we sing at night , but I was confused why he was using it in the kitchen . Later I heard Denis prompting him to say Give Me , which involves opening and closing your hand , and figured this might be what he was trying to say earlier today . He Posted by This morning I was getting Nikko 's backpack with him and we stood in the foyer / kitchen putting on his shoes when I looked at his face and he looked like he was going to cry . But he didn 't . I took Ronin along with us outside and instructed him to sit down by the lamppost to guard my phone and my sunglasses and to NOT MOVE . Guess what ? He didn 't . I think that the fact that he can see me , that Nikko sits at the front and that I don 't disappear from his sight helps him to stay put while I buckle Nikko in . Nikko just looked at me as the bus pulled away and there were no tears . I had put the green Westbrook shirt over his onesie because Fridays are supposed to be Spirit Day where you wear the school colors . I took a gamble that he might be hot . When he came back , I got on to release him and his hair was wet . It was either because they had playground at the end of the day and he ran around , or he was hot on the bus [ because of the shirt ] . As I unbuckled him , a little blonde girl in the next seat craned her neck up and over the seat to say , " Good bye , Nikko ! " Good bye , Nikko ! " I turned him around so he could look at her and she chirped farewell again . I was happy to see that maybe he had a little friend after all . In his backpack was a weekly newsletter , a reminder that next week is a parent meeting , and a set of pictures in a clear plastic sleeve of all his classmates and the teachers for him to practice names . There are 13 kids including himself in the class . 8 are supposed to be neurotypical ( normal ) , and 5 are special needs kids . Nikko had lunch and then fell asleep on the couch , which is always a good sign to me . I stretched out the afternoon with Ronin napping as well . It was an On week to go to the in - laws for dinner so I had us leave early so we could get there early and run around in the driveway since the weather was great . We did just that . Today , Nikko and Ronin have been getting into some battles . They take turns being at fault . Nikko will want the car or truck that Ronin has , and Ronin will impose himself oPosted by Nikko did not cry when I put him on the bus . He looked at me and I waved enthusiastically at him when the bus pulled away , but he didn 't cry at all . And Monica told me he didn 't cry on the way home either . When he saw me over the bus seat he had a small smile until I freed him . I read his progress report with joy : Speech - Nikko is doing great all day . He sits for everything . We worked on imitation today during speech & vocal play & using picture choices . he is doing great ! Wow ! He sits for everything ? That is totally new . He was always giving Shelly a hard time , and when cornered by the mirror in our living room he was struggling toward the last few therapy sessions . I wonder if he is liking his new morning environment . Oh yeah , I think I have to dress him up in his Westbrook T - Shirt on Fridays . Or in something green . Green and white are the school colors , if I 'm not mistaken . I hope I remember this tomorrow ! While Nikko was at school , Peter came to the house for Ronin 's speech therapy . He told me to keep pushing the three word phrases . No problem . Audrey was a handful and is continuing to be a handful as she becomes more mobile and into everything . After lunch today I thought we were going to hang out with Eric , but he had plans so I went to plan B . I packed up the kids and took them to the Treehouse play area at Northbrook Court Mall . It 's enclosed , which is the best thing for me . We lucked out because the tree wasn 't that crowded , and then there was a mini concert going on at The Land of Nod nearby . A lady told me that Ralph 's World was having a concert . I never heard of him and she said , " Oh , he sells out Ravinia ! " I just looked him up on Google and he 's some guy that sings in rhymes . Not my age group yet . That cleared out the tree for at least a half hour , except for some little girl who was neighing like a horse trying to get my attention and running around with the boys , who loved the tree . Unfortunately , Audrey was at the bottom of the slide and while I had my head turned the little girl proceeded to slide Posted by Nikko was rather clingy to me about 15 minutes prior to going outside . And he started to cry when I took him to get his backpack and started putting it on . Today the twins from down the block and their mom met us at our driveway because Monica the bus driver ( Mrs . Beyer ) said it would help consolidate her stops . No problem on my part , but I gotta learn the mom 's name . She 's Polish and I just couldn 't catch the pronunciation the first few times . They got on the bus in front of us and then I helped Nikko , who was still crying , up the stairs . I put his backpack on the seat and lifted Nikko up onto the chair ( the harness was already open and waiting for him ) . I buckled him in and tightened it , gave him his burp cloth and backpack in his lap , kissed his forehead and said good bye . I got off the bus and waved to him in the first window . He was still crying . And the Polish mom still wasn 't off the bus . Apparently she was having some problems with tightening the straps so Monica had to help her a bit . During these few minutes I watched Nikko 's tears subside slowly , then he started looking up and around him , and then when Polish mom got off the bus Nikko had stopped crying but was just looking at me . I waved bye again , and the bus pulled away . Later on , Monica told me that Nikko stopped crying on the bus and both trips were good for him . When I came onto the bus later he was still in his spot , but that little blonde girl ( Fiona ) was next to him . Monica forgot , and said she 'd move Fiona so I wouldn 't have to reach over her . I don 't care , as long as Nikko gets the window seat . After lunch , I found Nikko had fallen asleep on his spot on the couch . I guess school was good for him today . The progress report didn 't have any extra remarks about his day , which I rather liked but understand that not every day is going to have extra stuff . I took the kids to mom 's house today since Eric is in town until Friday . Also , my brother Pat and his wife Anna had their baby boy today , Maxwell Van Alog . We won 't visit them in the hospital becaPosted by Nikko seemed to be in good spirits this morning when I put on his backpack and took him outside to wait for the bus . Luckily , Denis was still home and sat with Audrey and Ronin on the front step . The bus pulled up and I ushered Nikko up the stairs . We stood right at the first seat and Nikko started to wail . I put his backpack down , pulled down the harness door , and picked up Nikko to strap him in . He didn 't fight me , thank goodness , but continued to cry . I put his backpack on his lap so he could hold the yellow turtle tag on the zipper , kissed his forehead and said good bye . Mrs . Beyer wished us luck and I jumped off the bus , waving bye to Nikko who was looking out the window at me and still crying . There was no phone call this time , so I could only assume that Nikko didn 't escape again . Two and a half hours later I was coaxing Ronin to watch for the bus by the window and watch Cars on TV . He refused and ran to the door , trying to go outside with me . I can 't have him outside with me because even if I told him to wait for me on the front step , he might run after me , try to get on the bus or run into the street . So , at the kitchen screen door he stood and wailed until I came back with Nikko . On the bus , Nikko looked at me from the window and seemed pretty calm . Mrs . Beyer said he did well this time , just cried on the way to school . No Houdini . I got to read the report [ I don 't think I 'll post every daily report , but since this is the beginning of the school year I will because I think it 's significant ] : Nikko will get 1 : 1 OT on Tuesdays first thing . He was crying a little coming to school but quickly re - grouped and participated in mat activities & then worked at the table doing finger coordination activities . Nikko followed the whole schedule today . He sat in a cube chair for group time . Sat at centers , tried applesauce for snack and played legos for a while ( his safe spot ) and then moved to play cars with 2 other kiddos ! We are using a picture schedule with him . I was so happy to see that he re - grouped and participaPosted by Today was a homebody day since Ronin was still coughing and needing albuterol treatments and Audrey had a little temperature . Unfortunately , when Nikko went to bed Denis told me he was a bit congested . I 'm worried that tomorrow he will be worse , but we 'll have to see when he wakes up . He has school tomorrow and I can 't send him to school sick , but how about with a drippy nose ? Nikko was running around the living room today when according to Denis he tripped and hit his head on a woven basket on the floor ( Crate & Barrel ) . It hurt him and he came to me crying . I tried to soothe him and eventually he calmed down and went back to wandering , but sometimes put a finger up to his ear . When I first looked at it , the area was just a bit red . But I looked later again and there was some blood in his ear . Upon further resisted investigation , I saw that blood wasn 't pouring down the ear canal , that it looked like a cut along the rim of his ear canal . If blood was gushing out , we 'd have to go to the doctor , but since it seemed minor I decided we 'd just wait and see . So far it 's ok , but I hope that banging his head into something won 't have a drastically negative effect on him . Maybe the opposite will happen and he 'll be cured . : ) He gave me tons of eye contact today , and tried signing things upon request although his sign for More is two fists bumping together instead of fingerpoints tapping . Grrr . Was it only yesterday morning that we went to that Nature Trail ? Wow , feels like we 've packed so much into this weekend already . On Saturday morning we packed the kids up and headed to the River Trail Nature Center in Northbrook / borderline Glenview . Our intent was to walk a trail for a bit , then have lunch . We walked into the Nature Center and it was the nicest center I have ever been in . In one room they had a big natural tank of turtles , live snakes behind glass habitats , skins of local animals , and a beehive room with a slab of honeycomb with bees encased in glass ( THANK GOODNESS ) . Another alcove had binoculars available to view the bird houses outdoors . In an adjacent room was a big activity room , good for meetings , but also very kid - friendly with a " Fox Den " climbing apparatus with underground matted area to read in a cavelike setting , a reading area with lots of colorful books , a little fenced rug that was a fishpond , and a play table with little trees and woodland animals . There were more things , but I can 't remember all the details . I think I 'd take the kids back there again ; it 's a great place where they can run freely , in fact . Nikko got hooked on a fishing pole that was for magnetic fish . Unfortunately it was also the beginning of his demise because when it was time to go he didn 't want to give it up . I had to say bye bye pole , put it back and drag him outside . Denis and I both grabbed an arm and he went Noodleman on us . I think we both pulled his arms too hard because outside he was crying and screaming and holding his arm as if it were hurt . I immediately felt bad and frustrated because he wouldn 't relent , wanted to go back inside for the fishing pole , wouldn 't let me touch his arm , and was making so much noise I 'm sure the people fishing by the lake were annoyed . Not much calmed him down , sadly . I was determined that we would still continue trying to walk up the trail a bit , even though his continued crying was disturbing to me . I didn 't want to bail . So , gave Audrey in the bjorn to Denis and pickedPosted by I was very nervous about getting Nikko ready to go to preschool today . Denis , Audrey , Nikko and me waited for the bus , which arrived a little after 8 : 15a . I ushered Nikko onto the bus while greeting Mrs . Monica Beyer the bus driver , saw the third seat on the left was empty , pulled down the harness seat , scooped Nikko up and buckled him in . I put his backpack next to him and stepped away ; he wasn 't looking at me , but was looking down at his harness . I stepped off the bus and caught his gaze in the window . He looked at me with a quick instant of confusion and I could almost hear him start to whine in protest , but the bus pulled away . It continued on its route and I didn 't know how it went until Ms . Winters called me at 8 : 50 with an update . She said that Nikko was a little Houdini and got out of his harness , but by the time she got to him on the bus he had calmed down and he was ok right now . I was glad she called with an update but was worried about him and incredulous about the bus ride . I 'd have to ask Mrs . Beyer about that . While Nikko was gone I was in the living room with the other two kids trying to do a toy purge and straighten up , but it looks like I didn 't get much done . Around 11 : 05 I went outside again and waited for Nikko 's bus with the others . When it rolled up , I greeted Mrs . Beyer and asked how he did . She talked to me while I got on . I spotted Nikko sitting right in the front seat next to a little blond girl . He was quiet and wasn 't acting out . I leaned over the girl and unbuckled him and Mrs . Beyer said she 'd move his seat again so I wouldn 't have to lean over anyone , and that she kept him up front so she could keep an eye on him . This morning , Nikko got upset on the bus and managed to wriggle himself out of his harness . She told me he was standing up in his seat so she had to stop the bus . She couldn 't sit with him , but got another mom at a stop to sit with him until they got to the school . Later , on the ride home , he did much better and behaved . She said that the school was going to get him a difPosted by This morning Atz & Allie came over to stay with Ronin and Audrey while Denis , Nikko and I went to the Westbrook School for their Garden Walk . Nikko seemed curious and excited as we walked up to the school ; he wore his Thomas backpack and while he feet were shuffling on the pavement he seemed excited . We had a sheet of paper that indicated what stations we should check out and would get a sticker after meeting said person . We ended up in Room 211 where Nikko will have his morning session with Mrs . McCarthy and Ms . Winters ( the speech therapist that seemed to like Nikko very much and who I hope becomes Nikko 's Guardian Angel . We walked around the room after talking with Ms . Winters about the basics , and then Nikko was welcomed to the sand table by one of the aides . I didn 't see it but Denis modeled for Nikko how to pour sand into a bucket , and that 's exactly what Nikko did . Honestly , I haven 't seen him take a shovel of sand and pour it purposefully into a bucket until this morning , so seeing him do it was great . He didn 't seem to notice that we had walked away from him to look at other things . After a good 15 minutes I decided we should transition him onto something else so we said bye bye to the sand table and directed him to the toy area . He saw a lego - type block table and was intrigued by some kind of plastic robotic arm on it . Denis tried to build with him and Nikko seemed interested in it . Ms . McCarthy tried to take Nikko 's picture and probably had one good picture out of many . Ms . Winters joined us at some point near the end . I glanced around and saw that most of the parents had left by now , save but two or so students . Nikko sneezed and we geshuntited him . He then razzed his lips and everyone laughed . Nikko must have thought it felt funny so he did it again , and everyone laughed again . He looked around slightly , pleased that he got a reaction so he did it again , and everyone laughed again . He smiled as if he " got " it , and I felt really happy that all that just transpired . It was time to go , finally , so we wenPosted by Later in the day I took the kids to Target , alone . I drove into the parking lot and scanned the perimeter for a shopping cart that had the attached two - toddler seater . I saw a few , actually , so I knew the gods were smiling down on me . The boys thought the contraption was novel . . . at first . After we got inside and were in the baby aisle Ronin started shrieking to be put down . I let them both free and tried to keep them in my peripheral vision . It got a little harrowing in the baby clothes section . I saw a little [ Polish ? ] girl standing nearby , eyeing Ronin apprehensively . He looked at her bravely , then took a stomp toward her , causing her to startle and take a step back . I told Ronin to be nice and to leave her alone . I think he was kind of taunting her at first , but then he smiled and ran away from her . Nikko was running around and looked at her too , and also ran away from her . She probably thought my boys were so irritating . In the toy aisle , Ronin was going ga - ga over some racing cars , then I pointed out the Disney Cars section and he was awed . Ronin and Nikko looked at a Cars Mack Truck . Ronin 's attention wandered to other toys , but Nikko seemed to really want the Mack Truck and he carried the box , signing More . I let him have it . Ronin also wanted a Mack , but he changed his mind four times between Mack and other cars . He finally settled on a $ 4 Matchbox racing car ( thank goodness ! The bigger version of it was $ 24 ! ) which I told him was his , and that Mack Truck was Nikko 's , and not to change his mind later that he wanted Mack all along . I let Nikko have Mack because he showed a real interest in it above all other toys and he was so good today . Of course , when we got home and settled for dinner Ronin was screaming for Mack , and post - dinner was a huge battle across the board . I 'm exhausted from the emotions sucked out of me . Denis was working late so I put all the kids to bed . It took me 45 minutes to bath , book , song , and pray the kids to bed , and it was still 9 : 30p . My goal is 9p , so I have to start baths earliPosted by We survived the playdate @ the playland in the Mc Donald 's on Higgins and Oakton . It was great seeing my friend Rhonda , who also has three kids that are close in age . Aidan is turning 4 on Sunday ; Vivian turns 3 in January , on the same day that Elliot turns 2 . They have piercing blue eyes , the youngest two are blond , and Aidan is supposed to be very unruly . He bullied Ronin a little bit for his Chick Hicks car , and Rhonda put him in time out twice , Vivian once . But overall it was nice to see our kids run alongside each other . Audrey wasn 't running , of course . She slept on the way in , then ended up in the high chair munching on a graham cracker , and crawled at the end . Nikko tolerated his new company , let the kids crawl around him when he held up traffic in the playland stairwell . He tended to run back and forth between the stairwell and me , only stimming slightly that I could tell . Initially he explored a little interactive plastic house , but I expected more running from him , which he did . We got home later and chilled out for a few hours before going to mom 's house for Chinny 's birthday dinner . I put Ronin down for a nap in his crib and Nikko crashed out in the middle of the living room for about two hours . Since Audrey had slept on the way home , she wasn 't close to napping so I took her into the kitchen and gave her a snack . The boys woke up later and joined us . I noticed this the other day but forgot to write it down , but today I asked Nikko what he wanted to eat and he signed More Bread . Later he signed Bread Please . I was amazed that Nikko remembered the sign for bread . We haven 't used that sign in months ! I praised him loudly for it and put some butter on his bread . I 'm glad to see Nikko moving about . He seems to be recovered from whatever mysterious phase he was going through , not talking much and acting lethargic for those two days . He 's jargoning again . Perhaps I should give the boys haircuts again tomorrow . I know that I want to make another trip to Target , to see if they have the fleece footed pajamas Posted by Today was exhausting and we didn 't even go anywhere significant except to play outside in the backyard . I think hauling the kids to multiple public places took a lot of energy from me , including the mental preparation . My temper with Ronin was very short today , and even when I tell myself to be calm in his screaming face and clawing hands , my anxious bubble just kept going haywire . Nikko was at a calm state throughout the day , but I wanted to get him playing outside . But when we got outside , they both ended up in the sandbox . Nikko lay on his tummy for most of it , too . He didn 't nap today , so perhaps he was tired , but I wouldn 't let him sleep in the sandbox . I saw earwigs in there . YUCK ! Tomorrow we have an early playdate at a McDonald 's playland with Rhonda and her three kiddos . I 'll be packing our bags early and hoping we can manage . It 's also Chinny 's birthday tomorrow so we 'll go there for an early dinner , I hope .
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My happy - go - lucky boy Nikko was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Global Developmental Delays on October 6 , 2008 . I 've created a blog to document his journey with autism , life with his siblings and everything else in between . It 's therapeutic for me as well . Thanks for reading ! Maybe not so immune . Nikko woke up this morning with coughs , but he wasn 't very warm . He was fine to send to school , so I did . He was still ok when he came home , except for some crustiness around his nostrils , so perhaps his nose is starting to drip a bit . It didn 't get worse as the day progressed . Nikko conked out for a long nap after we took Lego for a walk around the block . Nikko slept for maybe 2 . 5 hours . I worried about waking him up , worried that he wouldn 't be able to fall asleep at bedtime , but I think I wanted him to get some uninterrupted rest in case he was coming down with something . He 's still active and alert so he can 't have the fever that Audrey has had for two days . I gave her a bath tonight and I think her fever broke , or at least it went down greatly , because she 's not as scorching hot as before . Thank God ! The progress report was forgotten again , but I emailed Ms . Winters and she said that it was on her desk . Nikko had OT today and they introduced the swing to him . She 's trying to introduce him to more resistive strengthening activities . No doubt it 's to improve his core muscles . They also sent home two plates that have a PECS picture of Please Wait taped to them . Nikko holds this when there 's idle time , like while waiting before eating snack , or waiting for the bus . They said it gives his hands something to fidget with . Good idea . I 'll take it along and see if it works for me . I don 't know if he 'll be able to wait with it while at Costco , but I 'll bring it anyway . Gotta go find a birthday present for Dad . I wonder what he 'll like ? ? Funny how Nikko eats pizza for lunch and drinks chocolate milk every day , and he 's the only one who is not sick in our family . I 'm just about over my cold except for a few runny noses . Denis is now suffering coughing and a chest cold . Ronin is slightly warm , and breathing is shallow , but he 's not sick . Poor Audrey woke up with a fever and had it all day , along with the grumpy 's , the crabby 's and fussiness . She didn 't get much rest today and her naps were too short . I hope she 'll get rest tonight . We didn 't go anywhere today . Yesterday was also an at - home day except at the end of the day when Denis proposed that we all go for a walk with Lego . That was a nice outing as it wasn 't too cold outside yet . Our neighbors were also walking their dog with their two kids , Brianna and Alex . We all got home at the same time and their kids were running circles around Ronin and Nikko . Alex was so cute because he was giving hugs to both Ronin and Nikko . Earlier in the day yesterday Mom and Dad stopped by on their way home from visiting Maxwell . When Mom came calling , Ronin came running into a big hug . Nikko also came in and was greeted enthusiastically by them . Mom requested a hug and a kiss and she got both . Nikko even gave Dad some high fives . Mom had told me later on that she was so proud of Nikko , that he seemed to turn around 100 % . I was proud to hear she was pleased with his progress . This evening , Regina came by after an evening meeting . We were getting the boys ready for bed so she shadowed us into the boys ' room . Ronin was crying and wailing , probably because she was there , but Nikko was surprisingly calm at first . When he was all dressed he even did a Nikko Dance in the middle of the room . He was probably wound up because someone different was in the house , which was evidenced later when he protested when we were going to leave the room . Denis stayed in there longer , and that calmed both boys . Tomorrow we have preschool for Nikko . I don 't know if we 'll go to Mom 's house in the afternoon ; it really depends on Audrey 's cPosted by From what I was able to figure out this morning , Nikko must have woken up at 7a and crawled into Ronin 's bed at the foot . He must have been lying on Ronin 's legs , thereby waking up a very disgruntled Ronin , and causing cries and yells at 7a on a Saturday morning . We all were up . Ronin 's crabbiness extended toward 10 - 11a when I took him and Nikko to Target to pick up a script . I made the mistake of going into the toy section with them . Ronin wanted to walk so I let him ( mistake # 2 ) and he dragged a whole construction toy set to me . $ 20 worth . And it got ugly . Nikko was walking , and he did amazingly fine in Target . It wasn 't until we got to Costco that Nikko started getting unruly . I 'm not sure why , but I think that his memories of stopping in the food court for some churros really stuck in his mind . I was completely exhausted when we came back home , mostly because of Ronin , but also because what I thought would be an enjoyable experience for the boys and myself was truly not . They may be my Velcro boys , but there are times when they don 't like me either . The afternoon passed quickly and it was nearing time to leave the house for St . Lambert 's . I hesitated because Ronin 's cough was worse and he just threw up his snack . His breathing was getting raspy , so I gave him an albuterol treatment and decided that if we didn 't go to the San Lorenzo Ruiz celebration , something bad might happen to me . As we assembled our things to go , Nikko had fallen asleep on top of the parking garage toy , standing up . I put on his socks and carried him out to the car . Genius me , I didn 't realize I had forgotten to bring his shoes until we got there . And for the first time ever , Nikko didn 't take off running in Trainor Hall like he usually does . He was rather stuck at our table eating egg rolls and loving the flan in cupcake shells . It was Ronin that was running back and forth , which exacerbated his coughing and raspy breathing . He was totally winded and crazed , but still wanted to keep running . Denis had to take him outside to calm him and kPosted by Not to Costco . Didn 't happen yesterday , didn 't happen today . I feel as if my window of time during Nikko 's preschool is shorter than I 'd like , and I 'd be rushing back home before 11am , depending on where I go . I think Costco doesn 't open until 10a , so I would really have to rush to get back by 11 . Maybe next week I 'll do it in the a . m . Instead , I tried to be productive by sorting through Ronin 's clothes drawers . The weather is changing again and soon there has to be room for fall stuff . I am at a loss on how to organize the boys ' room . But while I was working on Ronin 's pants drawer , Audrey kept crawling into my business and whining . I couldn 't figure out what she wanted . It was only 9 : 45a , too early for her 11a naptime , but Atz told me to just put her down . I did , and that 's exactly what she wanted . Go figure ! When I picked up Nikko from the bus , Mrs . Beyer told me that Nikko was upset when boarding the bus and thus needed his burp cloth . He calmed down as the bus got rolling . But I wondered why he was upset so I emailed Ms . Winters to find out . She got back to me , along with answering my questions about Nikko and a picture schedule and signing : HiJean and I were just discussing the use of signs / pictures for Nikko - and think we will still use both . I would definitely try to use the sign videos because it must be something he can pick up . I think we will just give him all we can - signs , pictures and verbalization to express himself . I am still trying to figure him out and a lot of this is trial and error . We were also thinking that using pictures might be easier than signs due to his motor planning issues . When he is a little more successful with the pictures here I think we can start slowly using them at home . With the picture schedule here - I think he does understand that it means the current activity is over and now in therapy I think he knows if he gives me the bubble picture he can have bubbles . All great first steps . Let 's give it some more time just using them here and then we can talk about how to use tPosted by School was good again for Nikko . Looks like they are working on emotions and feelings this week . They had carrots and dressing for snack today and I was told " He licked dressing off the carrots . " Ms . Winters wrote : He 's doing a lot of appropriate " no " head shakes - when he didn 't want to stand , didn 't want carrots . . . " That 's the truth ! He has been doing head shakes at home for maybe a week and a half , I 'd say . I don 't think I saw it as pronounced as recently . Don 't know why . Maybe his awareness of what he wants and doesn 't want is emerging . I got to watch the other video of him @ school last night and they included the one where they take him to the potty . They sit him down because there 's a kid - sized potty , but I 'm at odds because at home we started that , but our potty seat has handles and they seem to get in the way . These boys want to spread those thighs across the board ! Now we 're standing the boys up to pee directly into the toilet , but maybe they 're not drinking enough juice before bedtime . Been dry all week before bathtime ! When Nikko comes home from school , and after lunch , he 's taken to lying on the floor near the cube shelves by the picture window in the living room and racing a car across the mat . He likes to take a Ferrari that makes noise and rev it back and forth . When I come down on his level on the floor , he tries to push me out of the way . I don 't always give in too easily , and sometimes he 's annoyed that I won 't move that he 'll vocally protest or move away . So many times today I 'd look at him and he 'd seem like he was tired , but not enough to take a nap . During Ronin 's nap I took Nikko and Audrey for a walk with Lego around the block . Audrey was in the bjorn and Nikko was happy to walk next to me . When we rounded the corner near Monica 's house , he could see the school playground and he started whimpering when I whisked him along the sidewalk away from the school . But I focused on walking Lego and didn 't want Nikko to be absorbed in wanting to go to the school . He held my hand around the block untiPosted by Nikko was standing next to Ronin 's bed again this morning when I came in around 7 : 13a , and Ronin was awake in bed too . I was trying to go in and scoop Nikko up without waking up Ronin , but that was obviously moot . Audrey woke up around 7 : 30a as well , so I had all three kiddos in the morning before school . I had to put Audrey back in her crib and take Ronin with me outside when Nikko 's bus came . After school , I got a very good progress report back . Nikko had OT this morning and Mrs . I said that he did a 3 part obstacle course independently . He 's participating in his sensory diet activites well , and he working on drawing O 's around stickers and drawing faces . I used to wonder what the heck a sensory diet was , and then I read about how it 's just a series of activities tailored to each child that lets them work on whatever he has sensory issues with . He has poor muscle tone so they probably work on exercises to build his core muscles , and if he were intolerant of loud noises then they might work with sounds to see what he can handle or how to cope . On the back of the report Margie wrote me a note : I did a sorting activity with Nikko - I started w / red & green bowls & chips . After 4 reps with modeling he could do it 100 % . We moved to 3 and he was at least 75 % . I switched to colored bears to see if he would tranfer - he was tooo cute . He had to kiss & hug little bear before he put into a bowl . Wow ! Awww , really ? That was so nice of Margie to tell me that . And the best part of today was that in the afternoon Kathy Winters emailed me a bunch of video they took on Friday ( Nikko was wearing his green Westbrook shirt ) of Nikko in various activities that morning . We discussed this on Thursday at the Back To School night , and the very next day it looks like Kathy went ahead and started filming . How AWESOME a teacher is that ? I was able to see Nikko be very attentative and participative . The first video was of Nikko on a scooter . They lay him on his tummy and he was supposed to use his arms and legs to propel himself forward , thePosted by Day two of my cold . I really didn 't feel like doing much today , unfortunately . When Nikko has a really defiant tantrum , he tends to fling himself to the floor . Lately , he 's been on the floor a lot , whenever he gets mad about something . I think Ronin was bothering him today to the point that he ended up on the floor , covering his face with his burp cloth , and possibly even crying . I 'm hoping this is a phase that will pass . One good thing I 've noted today is that Nikko is picking up on some direct imitation of gestures lately , such as Cheese and Pizza , and I even caught him imitating me crashing to the floor during a roughhousing game . On Oct . 2nd Nikko has an appointment with Dr . Keen , a developmental behaviorist / pediatrician with Marianjoy Hospital in Wheaton . A friend on Facebook who was a resident with her referred me , and we 've been waiting six months or so to get to this point . I 'm not looking for another diagnosis , but I think I am looking for someone to see what we 've been doing with Nikko and to tell me what I should do next . It 's a scary thought because it seems that each ped has his / her own opinion on how to approach autism , and may push whichever agenda is the one that they support . At Arlington Peds , they don 't believe in the GFCF diet or the supplements route . At St . Alexian , they didn 't offer the diet as an option either , but said to wait until preschool to see how it will go . Dr . Keck said not to start any other therapies . When I voiced that I feared we might lose ground or progress between the end of EI and preschool , she said she didn 't think there 'd be much loss . As our appointment approaches in a few weeks , the more I feel that it 's a good thing we go . Only today did I put into words that I wish some doctor would tell me what to do next . This evening I went to that parent support group for special needs kids in District 57 . It was five ladies plus me , and most of us had kids with autism , but mine was the youngest . It 's scary to hear how Nikko could possibly be in their situations in a few years , wPosted by Saturday ended up being a busy day at home . I took apart the crib and then reassembled it in the 2nd bedroom . Then I put together the IKEA bed ; Denis helped me drill a few holes , and then it was finished . The racing car bed was moved . Finally , the moment of truth arrived when I put Audrey into the crib for bedtime . She laid her head down on the burb cloth , pacifier in mouth , and relaxed . She was great ! Audrey slept through the night , and if she lost her paci I didn 't hear her complain . The boys were a different story , mainly Ronin . Whereas Nikko seemed to accept the new location of his racing car bed , and lay almost contentedly except for one bout where he got up and I ushered him back into bed , Ronin was not happy about the changes that were taking place . He didn 't want to lay in his new bed despite the Lightning McQueen blanket and his cars in hand . I had to stay with him until he fell asleep . They both had some early morning waking , around 5a , but Denis was nearby to stay with them . Tonight , I still had to stay with Ronin until he fell asleep , while Nikko was out like a light because he didn 't nap all day . I am really hoping neither kid will cry in the middle of the night or the early morning , because I 've caught a cold and have that cloudy - headed sick feeling . I need some rest and didn 't get any today because I met up with the Girls for lunch . Can 't miss that GNO , since I don 't have many to attend ! I expect that either boy will wake up tomorrow and protest the closed door , will probably cry until I come get them , and will wake up Audrey in the process . So let 's hope that the morning will not come too early ! Before dinnertime , I was asking Nikko what he wanted to eat , and I asked if he wanted More Pizza . He was smiling when I said that , so I signed it for him a number of times . He imitated my Eat sign , and he even attempted a rough zigzag when I signed Pizza . That was a great effort ! And during dinner he knows how to sign Cheese so when I give Audrey some cheese , Nikko is not far behind in asking . Sometimes he dPosted by Today I dressed up Nikko in his green Westbrook t - shirt for Spirit Day ( every Friday ) and no onesie . I think he thought it felt a little weird , but he didn 't protest . When he got home , his progress report was good . In Speech with Ms . Winters , they worked on requesting things using pictures . They used bubbles and unfortunately had an accident on his shorts . I noticed this when he stepped off the bus in denim shorts , which was his emergency supply . Ms . Winters also noted that they started working on videotaping him ( and probably other classmates ) today . This was something we discussed last night , videotaping how Nikko does during class and sending it home via CD . She said I would be amazed at how he is in school . The CD may come home some time next week so that 's something I 'm anxious to view . After lunch , and during Ronin 's naptime , Nikko was getting sleepy so I encouraged him to lie down on the couch and snooze . Thankfully , that 's exactly what he did , for an hour . After all the kids got snacked , I took them outside to play , then put everyone in the stroller and headed to Fairview School . It was a more successful play trip than the other day . At one point , Ronin was stomping his Croc foot in the dry dirt . Nikko was nearby and started imitating him . Needless to say , both boys had grimy feet to wipe up when they came home , added with Ronin 's grimy hands because he was picking up wood chips and dirt and gleefully spreading it wherever he could . We happened upon Manolo , Brianna and Alex at their house and stopped briefly to chat . Alex was asking me tons of questions about the kids and he noticed Nikko 's green t - shirt . Alex is 5 years old and in kindergarten . Brianna is 7 years old and in 2nd grade . They had a soccer ball out and Ronin started kicking it . The great thing was that he also started dribbling the ball and looked really comfortable doing it down the front lawn ! Nikko was watching but didn 't participate . Manolo 's kids still went up to Nikko and said hello , even if Nikko didn 't respond in kind . I had to get tPosted by Nikko seems content to board the bus and ride to school . He also seems content when he 's on the way home , sitting next to Fiona . He gets the aisle seat so I don 't have to lean over Fiona to unbuckle Nikko and pick him up . He 's also within arm 's reach of Mrs . Beyer , should the need arise . The progress report from school didn 't have any extra comments but showed a positive day at school . This week was titled All About Me . I hope I filled out all the necessary papers that Nikko needed to be able to tell them something about Nikko . I have been having some nice little chats with the twins ' mom after the bus leaves our driveway . We talked about potty training earlier in the week , and today we discussed Halloween costumes and their use of the English language vs . Polish ( and she speaks French too ) . She asked if I was going to the Back To School night meeting tonight and I said I would . I offered her a ride , but she didn 't need one , and I forgot that I wanted to run to Costco after the meeting to get diapers anyway . The afternoon was routine , lunchtime and cleanup afterward , then putting Ronin down for his nap at 2pm . I also put Audrey in our room with the lights on , then went to get Lego for a pee break . I took Nikko outside with me and we trotted up the block and back . He must have enjoyed being on this short walk outdoors because he was giggling and babbling up the sidewalk . I think he enjoyed walking near Lego because he tried to peer into Lego 's face , something that Ronin would do a few times today as well . We had to go back inside because of the babies but instead of putting Lego downstairs I felt bad that he wouldn 't be able to enjoy the sunshine and cool breezes so I linked his leash onto the swingset and left him outside . I think he was confused because he didn 't sleep for a long time . I hope he enjoyed it outside . See ? I 'm not totally cruel to Lego . Denis came home early because I had to go to the meeting tonight , but I still managed to get the kids outside to play after snacktime . Audrey sat in a walker while thPosted by A smooth morning overall with Nikko going to school . Coming home was also good ; I put Audrey down for her nap and Ronin sat outside with me . Nikko had no problems on the bus and even grinned when he saw me at the bus stop . Unfortunately , the teachers forgot to put a progress report in his backpack so I don 't know what they did today , but tomorrow is the Back to School night that I plan to attend . It 's a half hour where they go over what 's being taught in the classroom . Denis is coming home to feed the kids while I go . Should only be for a half hour , and should I choose to stay for the PTA meeting it would be another half hour . We 'll see . Nikko wasn 't in the greatest of moods today . No outbursts , but he was trying to pass a really big # 2 all day . Poor little guy . Finally I took the kids to the part @ Fairview School and hoped they would run around and have fun . Initially they did , but Nikko was soon hunched over the stroller and having his big movement . No more slides or swings for him . I decided to haul us back home to change diapers . Other than his silence throughout the pain and his grunting , Nikko 's been jargoning quite a bit . I wonder how to push a word out of him ( no pun intended ) . Even Audrey 's begun to make audible sounds like Mama , and as I fed her peaches tonight , remarking how sticky she was , I swear I heard her mimic the word Sticky . Back to meals , Nikko ate pizza today without fighting me , and signed for Cookie only twice today . I really should give him one , maybe tomorrow . I think I 'll ask the teachers tomorrow to show me what Nikko 's picture schedule looks like , so I can mimic it at home . I also think I 'm going to start pouring over the autism books I have again , to find activities to help develop the fine motor skills . At school they 're using scissors and stuff , and I don 't think he 's very coordinated with markers even . Probably because I don 't want it to end up on my couch , as it has in the past . Nikko had been clingy to me for most of the weekend , so I dreaded boarding the bus this morning . But he was very accommodating as I put him in the seat and strapped him in , and didn 't shed a single tear . He was a good boy on the way home , too , according to Mrs . Beyer . As I unbuckled Nikko , the blonde girl behind him said , " Nikko has a cute brother . " I thanked her , and realized she was talking about Ronin , who was sitting on the driveway next to the lamppost , guarding my phone and sunglasses and not moving as I instructed . Nikko 's progress report had changed in format but I could still see what activities they did at school , and the OT wrote that he had a hard time separating from his burp cloth but he still worked with a big therapy ball , jumped on a trampoline , and then worked at a table with buttons and pounding plastic tees into styrofoam . Mandarin oranges were the snack today . I wonder if he ate them ? After lunch , I decided to haul the kids to Target to make a return . I chose the Target up north on Lake Cook Road because there was a Cars water bottle I wanted to find . When we got there , I had to wake Nikko up from a short nap and strap everyone into another cart contraption for two toddlers . Nikko ended up not liking it and making it known . The water bottle wasn 't even there . Grrr . On the way home , Ronin and Audrey fell asleep , just as I had hoped , so I rewarded Nikko 's silence with some McD 's fries . At home I let everyone play outside to get their ya - yas out , but the boys were fighting over the jump rope so I was about to haul everyone inside when I told them to go play on the slide . Thankfully Ronin trotted over there , so I was able to bring us all to the swingset . It was a cute picture , actually , with Audrey in the infant swing , Nikko sitting on the regular swing , and Ronin and me on the rocking horse swing . Oh , by the way , Lego is back home . He 's in the basement right now , in his crate , until we can figure out what the permanent situation will be . Lego 's not washed of all the possum blood so I wouldn 't toucPosted by Saturday , no school today for Nikko . I wonder if he missed his friends and teachers . In the late morning I decided to give the boys a haircut . I had to put Audrey down for her nap because there 's no way she would sit still with hair shavings on the floor . Ronin was manageable in front of the laptop watching Tokyo Mater on YouTube , but Nikko didn 't want to sit still in a chair and was moving his cars along the edge of the table . I had to use clippers on a moving target . I know the right side of his head looks fine , but not sure about the left because I didn 't get to see the left that often . After lunch , Nikko managed to fall asleep , Ronin was put down for a nap , and I left Audrey with Denis so I could go get Ronin 's Flovent at Target . I only stayed an hour and didn 't go to the grocery because I felt that Nikko would probably wake up in a bad mood . That 's exactly what happened . I was able to calm him down by going to the kitchen with him to get a cookie . It was snack time for the kids so I rounded them all up and fed them . Afterward , we took a trip to Costco for more chicken nuggets and rice milk . We would have tried to go to Jewel but Nikko was having a meltdown at Costco . I thought he wanted to stop and have a churro at the cafeteria because he paused near the tables and got angry when we didn 't stop . I picked him up and carried him outside despite his protests , just like I did last week on the nature trail . He did calm down , and then didn 't want me to put him down again . When we got home , we hung outside with the kids a while , then came inside and spent a little time downstairs before sending everyone up for dinner . I 've been asking Nikko to sign for things and he won 't freely sign More . He was doing something with his fingers that mimicked the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star song we sing at night , but I was confused why he was using it in the kitchen . Later I heard Denis prompting him to say Give Me , which involves opening and closing your hand , and figured this might be what he was trying to say earlier today . He Posted by This morning I was getting Nikko 's backpack with him and we stood in the foyer / kitchen putting on his shoes when I looked at his face and he looked like he was going to cry . But he didn 't . I took Ronin along with us outside and instructed him to sit down by the lamppost to guard my phone and my sunglasses and to NOT MOVE . Guess what ? He didn 't . I think that the fact that he can see me , that Nikko sits at the front and that I don 't disappear from his sight helps him to stay put while I buckle Nikko in . Nikko just looked at me as the bus pulled away and there were no tears . I had put the green Westbrook shirt over his onesie because Fridays are supposed to be Spirit Day where you wear the school colors . I took a gamble that he might be hot . When he came back , I got on to release him and his hair was wet . It was either because they had playground at the end of the day and he ran around , or he was hot on the bus [ because of the shirt ] . As I unbuckled him , a little blonde girl in the next seat craned her neck up and over the seat to say , " Good bye , Nikko ! " Good bye , Nikko ! " I turned him around so he could look at her and she chirped farewell again . I was happy to see that maybe he had a little friend after all . In his backpack was a weekly newsletter , a reminder that next week is a parent meeting , and a set of pictures in a clear plastic sleeve of all his classmates and the teachers for him to practice names . There are 13 kids including himself in the class . 8 are supposed to be neurotypical ( normal ) , and 5 are special needs kids . Nikko had lunch and then fell asleep on the couch , which is always a good sign to me . I stretched out the afternoon with Ronin napping as well . It was an On week to go to the in - laws for dinner so I had us leave early so we could get there early and run around in the driveway since the weather was great . We did just that . Today , Nikko and Ronin have been getting into some battles . They take turns being at fault . Nikko will want the car or truck that Ronin has , and Ronin will impose himself oPosted by Nikko did not cry when I put him on the bus . He looked at me and I waved enthusiastically at him when the bus pulled away , but he didn 't cry at all . And Monica told me he didn 't cry on the way home either . When he saw me over the bus seat he had a small smile until I freed him . I read his progress report with joy : Speech - Nikko is doing great all day . He sits for everything . We worked on imitation today during speech & vocal play & using picture choices . he is doing great ! Wow ! He sits for everything ? That is totally new . He was always giving Shelly a hard time , and when cornered by the mirror in our living room he was struggling toward the last few therapy sessions . I wonder if he is liking his new morning environment . Oh yeah , I think I have to dress him up in his Westbrook T - Shirt on Fridays . Or in something green . Green and white are the school colors , if I 'm not mistaken . I hope I remember this tomorrow ! While Nikko was at school , Peter came to the house for Ronin 's speech therapy . He told me to keep pushing the three word phrases . No problem . Audrey was a handful and is continuing to be a handful as she becomes more mobile and into everything . After lunch today I thought we were going to hang out with Eric , but he had plans so I went to plan B . I packed up the kids and took them to the Treehouse play area at Northbrook Court Mall . It 's enclosed , which is the best thing for me . We lucked out because the tree wasn 't that crowded , and then there was a mini concert going on at The Land of Nod nearby . A lady told me that Ralph 's World was having a concert . I never heard of him and she said , " Oh , he sells out Ravinia ! " I just looked him up on Google and he 's some guy that sings in rhymes . Not my age group yet . That cleared out the tree for at least a half hour , except for some little girl who was neighing like a horse trying to get my attention and running around with the boys , who loved the tree . Unfortunately , Audrey was at the bottom of the slide and while I had my head turned the little girl proceeded to slide Posted by Nikko was rather clingy to me about 15 minutes prior to going outside . And he started to cry when I took him to get his backpack and started putting it on . Today the twins from down the block and their mom met us at our driveway because Monica the bus driver ( Mrs . Beyer ) said it would help consolidate her stops . No problem on my part , but I gotta learn the mom 's name . She 's Polish and I just couldn 't catch the pronunciation the first few times . They got on the bus in front of us and then I helped Nikko , who was still crying , up the stairs . I put his backpack on the seat and lifted Nikko up onto the chair ( the harness was already open and waiting for him ) . I buckled him in and tightened it , gave him his burp cloth and backpack in his lap , kissed his forehead and said good bye . I got off the bus and waved to him in the first window . He was still crying . And the Polish mom still wasn 't off the bus . Apparently she was having some problems with tightening the straps so Monica had to help her a bit . During these few minutes I watched Nikko 's tears subside slowly , then he started looking up and around him , and then when Polish mom got off the bus Nikko had stopped crying but was just looking at me . I waved bye again , and the bus pulled away . Later on , Monica told me that Nikko stopped crying on the bus and both trips were good for him . When I came onto the bus later he was still in his spot , but that little blonde girl ( Fiona ) was next to him . Monica forgot , and said she 'd move Fiona so I wouldn 't have to reach over her . I don 't care , as long as Nikko gets the window seat . After lunch , I found Nikko had fallen asleep on his spot on the couch . I guess school was good for him today . The progress report didn 't have any extra remarks about his day , which I rather liked but understand that not every day is going to have extra stuff . I took the kids to mom 's house today since Eric is in town until Friday . Also , my brother Pat and his wife Anna had their baby boy today , Maxwell Van Alog . We won 't visit them in the hospital becaPosted by Nikko seemed to be in good spirits this morning when I put on his backpack and took him outside to wait for the bus . Luckily , Denis was still home and sat with Audrey and Ronin on the front step . The bus pulled up and I ushered Nikko up the stairs . We stood right at the first seat and Nikko started to wail . I put his backpack down , pulled down the harness door , and picked up Nikko to strap him in . He didn 't fight me , thank goodness , but continued to cry . I put his backpack on his lap so he could hold the yellow turtle tag on the zipper , kissed his forehead and said good bye . Mrs . Beyer wished us luck and I jumped off the bus , waving bye to Nikko who was looking out the window at me and still crying . There was no phone call this time , so I could only assume that Nikko didn 't escape again . Two and a half hours later I was coaxing Ronin to watch for the bus by the window and watch Cars on TV . He refused and ran to the door , trying to go outside with me . I can 't have him outside with me because even if I told him to wait for me on the front step , he might run after me , try to get on the bus or run into the street . So , at the kitchen screen door he stood and wailed until I came back with Nikko . On the bus , Nikko looked at me from the window and seemed pretty calm . Mrs . Beyer said he did well this time , just cried on the way to school . No Houdini . I got to read the report [ I don 't think I 'll post every daily report , but since this is the beginning of the school year I will because I think it 's significant ] : Nikko will get 1 : 1 OT on Tuesdays first thing . He was crying a little coming to school but quickly re - grouped and participated in mat activities & then worked at the table doing finger coordination activities . Nikko followed the whole schedule today . He sat in a cube chair for group time . Sat at centers , tried applesauce for snack and played legos for a while ( his safe spot ) and then moved to play cars with 2 other kiddos ! We are using a picture schedule with him . I was so happy to see that he re - grouped and participaPosted by Today was a homebody day since Ronin was still coughing and needing albuterol treatments and Audrey had a little temperature . Unfortunately , when Nikko went to bed Denis told me he was a bit congested . I 'm worried that tomorrow he will be worse , but we 'll have to see when he wakes up . He has school tomorrow and I can 't send him to school sick , but how about with a drippy nose ? Nikko was running around the living room today when according to Denis he tripped and hit his head on a woven basket on the floor ( Crate & Barrel ) . It hurt him and he came to me crying . I tried to soothe him and eventually he calmed down and went back to wandering , but sometimes put a finger up to his ear . When I first looked at it , the area was just a bit red . But I looked later again and there was some blood in his ear . Upon further resisted investigation , I saw that blood wasn 't pouring down the ear canal , that it looked like a cut along the rim of his ear canal . If blood was gushing out , we 'd have to go to the doctor , but since it seemed minor I decided we 'd just wait and see . So far it 's ok , but I hope that banging his head into something won 't have a drastically negative effect on him . Maybe the opposite will happen and he 'll be cured . : ) He gave me tons of eye contact today , and tried signing things upon request although his sign for More is two fists bumping together instead of fingerpoints tapping . Grrr . Was it only yesterday morning that we went to that Nature Trail ? Wow , feels like we 've packed so much into this weekend already . On Saturday morning we packed the kids up and headed to the River Trail Nature Center in Northbrook / borderline Glenview . Our intent was to walk a trail for a bit , then have lunch . We walked into the Nature Center and it was the nicest center I have ever been in . In one room they had a big natural tank of turtles , live snakes behind glass habitats , skins of local animals , and a beehive room with a slab of honeycomb with bees encased in glass ( THANK GOODNESS ) . Another alcove had binoculars available to view the bird houses outdoors . In an adjacent room was a big activity room , good for meetings , but also very kid - friendly with a " Fox Den " climbing apparatus with underground matted area to read in a cavelike setting , a reading area with lots of colorful books , a little fenced rug that was a fishpond , and a play table with little trees and woodland animals . There were more things , but I can 't remember all the details . I think I 'd take the kids back there again ; it 's a great place where they can run freely , in fact . Nikko got hooked on a fishing pole that was for magnetic fish . Unfortunately it was also the beginning of his demise because when it was time to go he didn 't want to give it up . I had to say bye bye pole , put it back and drag him outside . Denis and I both grabbed an arm and he went Noodleman on us . I think we both pulled his arms too hard because outside he was crying and screaming and holding his arm as if it were hurt . I immediately felt bad and frustrated because he wouldn 't relent , wanted to go back inside for the fishing pole , wouldn 't let me touch his arm , and was making so much noise I 'm sure the people fishing by the lake were annoyed . Not much calmed him down , sadly . I was determined that we would still continue trying to walk up the trail a bit , even though his continued crying was disturbing to me . I didn 't want to bail . So , gave Audrey in the bjorn to Denis and pickedPosted by I was very nervous about getting Nikko ready to go to preschool today . Denis , Audrey , Nikko and me waited for the bus , which arrived a little after 8 : 15a . I ushered Nikko onto the bus while greeting Mrs . Monica Beyer the bus driver , saw the third seat on the left was empty , pulled down the harness seat , scooped Nikko up and buckled him in . I put his backpack next to him and stepped away ; he wasn 't looking at me , but was looking down at his harness . I stepped off the bus and caught his gaze in the window . He looked at me with a quick instant of confusion and I could almost hear him start to whine in protest , but the bus pulled away . It continued on its route and I didn 't know how it went until Ms . Winters called me at 8 : 50 with an update . She said that Nikko was a little Houdini and got out of his harness , but by the time she got to him on the bus he had calmed down and he was ok right now . I was glad she called with an update but was worried about him and incredulous about the bus ride . I 'd have to ask Mrs . Beyer about that . While Nikko was gone I was in the living room with the other two kids trying to do a toy purge and straighten up , but it looks like I didn 't get much done . Around 11 : 05 I went outside again and waited for Nikko 's bus with the others . When it rolled up , I greeted Mrs . Beyer and asked how he did . She talked to me while I got on . I spotted Nikko sitting right in the front seat next to a little blond girl . He was quiet and wasn 't acting out . I leaned over the girl and unbuckled him and Mrs . Beyer said she 'd move his seat again so I wouldn 't have to lean over anyone , and that she kept him up front so she could keep an eye on him . This morning , Nikko got upset on the bus and managed to wriggle himself out of his harness . She told me he was standing up in his seat so she had to stop the bus . She couldn 't sit with him , but got another mom at a stop to sit with him until they got to the school . Later , on the ride home , he did much better and behaved . She said that the school was going to get him a difPosted by This morning Atz & Allie came over to stay with Ronin and Audrey while Denis , Nikko and I went to the Westbrook School for their Garden Walk . Nikko seemed curious and excited as we walked up to the school ; he wore his Thomas backpack and while he feet were shuffling on the pavement he seemed excited . We had a sheet of paper that indicated what stations we should check out and would get a sticker after meeting said person . We ended up in Room 211 where Nikko will have his morning session with Mrs . McCarthy and Ms . Winters ( the speech therapist that seemed to like Nikko very much and who I hope becomes Nikko 's Guardian Angel . We walked around the room after talking with Ms . Winters about the basics , and then Nikko was welcomed to the sand table by one of the aides . I didn 't see it but Denis modeled for Nikko how to pour sand into a bucket , and that 's exactly what Nikko did . Honestly , I haven 't seen him take a shovel of sand and pour it purposefully into a bucket until this morning , so seeing him do it was great . He didn 't seem to notice that we had walked away from him to look at other things . After a good 15 minutes I decided we should transition him onto something else so we said bye bye to the sand table and directed him to the toy area . He saw a lego - type block table and was intrigued by some kind of plastic robotic arm on it . Denis tried to build with him and Nikko seemed interested in it . Ms . McCarthy tried to take Nikko 's picture and probably had one good picture out of many . Ms . Winters joined us at some point near the end . I glanced around and saw that most of the parents had left by now , save but two or so students . Nikko sneezed and we geshuntited him . He then razzed his lips and everyone laughed . Nikko must have thought it felt funny so he did it again , and everyone laughed again . He looked around slightly , pleased that he got a reaction so he did it again , and everyone laughed again . He smiled as if he " got " it , and I felt really happy that all that just transpired . It was time to go , finally , so we wenPosted by Later in the day I took the kids to Target , alone . I drove into the parking lot and scanned the perimeter for a shopping cart that had the attached two - toddler seater . I saw a few , actually , so I knew the gods were smiling down on me . The boys thought the contraption was novel . . . at first . After we got inside and were in the baby aisle Ronin started shrieking to be put down . I let them both free and tried to keep them in my peripheral vision . It got a little harrowing in the baby clothes section . I saw a little [ Polish ? ] girl standing nearby , eyeing Ronin apprehensively . He looked at her bravely , then took a stomp toward her , causing her to startle and take a step back . I told Ronin to be nice and to leave her alone . I think he was kind of taunting her at first , but then he smiled and ran away from her . Nikko was running around and looked at her too , and also ran away from her . She probably thought my boys were so irritating . In the toy aisle , Ronin was going ga - ga over some racing cars , then I pointed out the Disney Cars section and he was awed . Ronin and Nikko looked at a Cars Mack Truck . Ronin 's attention wandered to other toys , but Nikko seemed to really want the Mack Truck and he carried the box , signing More . I let him have it . Ronin also wanted a Mack , but he changed his mind four times between Mack and other cars . He finally settled on a $ 4 Matchbox racing car ( thank goodness ! The bigger version of it was $ 24 ! ) which I told him was his , and that Mack Truck was Nikko 's , and not to change his mind later that he wanted Mack all along . I let Nikko have Mack because he showed a real interest in it above all other toys and he was so good today . Of course , when we got home and settled for dinner Ronin was screaming for Mack , and post - dinner was a huge battle across the board . I 'm exhausted from the emotions sucked out of me . Denis was working late so I put all the kids to bed . It took me 45 minutes to bath , book , song , and pray the kids to bed , and it was still 9 : 30p . My goal is 9p , so I have to start baths earliPosted by We survived the playdate @ the playland in the Mc Donald 's on Higgins and Oakton . It was great seeing my friend Rhonda , who also has three kids that are close in age . Aidan is turning 4 on Sunday ; Vivian turns 3 in January , on the same day that Elliot turns 2 . They have piercing blue eyes , the youngest two are blond , and Aidan is supposed to be very unruly . He bullied Ronin a little bit for his Chick Hicks car , and Rhonda put him in time out twice , Vivian once . But overall it was nice to see our kids run alongside each other . Audrey wasn 't running , of course . She slept on the way in , then ended up in the high chair munching on a graham cracker , and crawled at the end . Nikko tolerated his new company , let the kids crawl around him when he held up traffic in the playland stairwell . He tended to run back and forth between the stairwell and me , only stimming slightly that I could tell . Initially he explored a little interactive plastic house , but I expected more running from him , which he did . We got home later and chilled out for a few hours before going to mom 's house for Chinny 's birthday dinner . I put Ronin down for a nap in his crib and Nikko crashed out in the middle of the living room for about two hours . Since Audrey had slept on the way home , she wasn 't close to napping so I took her into the kitchen and gave her a snack . The boys woke up later and joined us . I noticed this the other day but forgot to write it down , but today I asked Nikko what he wanted to eat and he signed More Bread . Later he signed Bread Please . I was amazed that Nikko remembered the sign for bread . We haven 't used that sign in months ! I praised him loudly for it and put some butter on his bread . I 'm glad to see Nikko moving about . He seems to be recovered from whatever mysterious phase he was going through , not talking much and acting lethargic for those two days . He 's jargoning again . Perhaps I should give the boys haircuts again tomorrow . I know that I want to make another trip to Target , to see if they have the fleece footed pajamas Posted by Today was exhausting and we didn 't even go anywhere significant except to play outside in the backyard . I think hauling the kids to multiple public places took a lot of energy from me , including the mental preparation . My temper with Ronin was very short today , and even when I tell myself to be calm in his screaming face and clawing hands , my anxious bubble just kept going haywire . Nikko was at a calm state throughout the day , but I wanted to get him playing outside . But when we got outside , they both ended up in the sandbox . Nikko lay on his tummy for most of it , too . He didn 't nap today , so perhaps he was tired , but I wouldn 't let him sleep in the sandbox . I saw earwigs in there . YUCK ! Tomorrow we have an early playdate at a McDonald 's playland with Rhonda and her three kiddos . I 'll be packing our bags early and hoping we can manage . It 's also Chinny 's birthday tomorrow so we 'll go there for an early dinner , I hope .
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I am just sitting here , quietly , contemplating how much my daughter has grown this year . I don 't mean her height or weight , though she has grown that way as well . She has matured this year , her thirteenth year . A couple of days ago we received a package from my Mom . Haley loves packages . We had to open it . Actually Haley 's Big Sis grabbed it and started opening it , so I can 't really put it on Haley . My Mom had wrapped the presents inside and labeled them , of course . Haley can recognize her own written name now , so she new exactly which ones were hers . She wanted to open them , but I told her that we were going to wait until Saturday . " Saturday is Christmas Day , that is when we open presents . " That was a bit hard for her , but I asked her to put all of the presents under the tree . She felt important doing that , so it was OK . We have never put presents under the tree . I was fully prepared to hide them if there was a problem , but they are still there . She sits in that room next to the tree . She sits in the chairs that flank the tree , or she sits on the floor in front of the tree . She has quite a collection of toys that she has been playing with while she sits there . If someone walks by she will point to the presents . She says " presents " or " Christmas " or her version of " Saturday , " which really doesn 't sound much like Saturday . She hasn 't opened them . I think if any of us were to tell her that she could they would be open in a heartbeat , but she is being very patient . I think that she is showing a new level of maturity that I have never seen in her before . We changed up the Holiday Season on her this year , first by having Thanksgiving here and having Grandma and Grandpa come to our house . Now we are planning to go to their house after Christmas . She knows we are going . For a while she seemed more excited about going to their house than she was for Christmas . I have both occasions written on the calendar that hangs on the refrigerator . She points to the days that are marked Grandma and Grandpa 's House , but she hasn 't been pointing to Christmas . I have explained the timing to her several times . I say that we are going after Christmas , after we open our presents . I think she has finally accepted it . In desperation about a week ago I actually put on the calendar the day that we would pack so that she would stop asking to pack her " case . " I think she has come to terms with the timing . Our Christmas Eve 's go something like this , we have dinner and then we open one present each . That present is almost always a pair of pajamas . This is also a tradition that came from my childhood family traditions . We put our new pajamas on and then before bed we read The Night Before Christmas by Clement C . Moore . I wrote about that tradition on this post . A couple of years ago we added something to our Christmas Eve . I rented a movie that had come out in 2006 called The Nativity Story . If you haven 't seen it I highly recommend it . After we get our pajamas on we watch The Nativity Story and then we read The Night Before Christmas and then we go to bed . I play hand bells in our church choir and I always go to the Christmas Eve service at 10 : 00PM . It is a time for me to truly reflect on why we celebrate this holiday . It is a candlelight service and it is beautiful . I enjoy it . I hug everyone before I leave and then I come home and get the presents out from their hiding places in the garage and I put them under the tree . I fill the stockings and then I go to bed . I looked up and there was Haley looking at me over the low wall at the top of the stairs . I smiled at her and then went upstairs and gently nudged her back in to her room . I covered her up and gave her a kiss and closed her door . We have a Countdown Snowman . Every day Haley puts an ornament on his Christmas tree and Snowman announces how many days there are left until Christmas . Snowman starts counting at 25 days until Christmas . Snowman was not out 25 days before Christmas . I didn 't have enough C batteries so I opened the box and put Snowman in the garage and put C batteries on the grocery list . I eventually got the C batteries and then Snowman continued to languish in the garage until recently Haley saw him and the jig was up . Rhonda the Reindeer used to come out every year at Christmastime too . She doesn 't anymore . She was also a cute idea . An idea no doubt conceived by a well meaning person who didn 't have a daughter like Haley . Rhonda was a stuffed reindeer with wings and arms that moved as she played Christmas songs . Rhonda was not a motion detecting sound maker . Rhonda was a sound detecting sound maker . She would play more than one song , which I thought would redeem her , but unfortunately it didn 't . The kinds of sounds that would prompt Rhonda to break into song were loud noises like claps , dropping things on the floor , sneezes , coughs , yells and the like . Haley couldn 't clap loud enough . No matter how she tried Haley couldn 't smack her own hands together loud enough to get Rhonda to perform . She tried , but I really didn 't want her to hurt herself . I clapped for her for a while , but then my hands hurt . If Rhonda didn 't start playing Haley would get upset and start crying . If she cried long enough she eventually got into fit mode and then when she screamed at the top of her lungs guess what would happen . Rhonda would play . The next step , which I am sure you could surmise was simply to scream at the top of her lungs . Rhonda would play a song and then stop . Haley would scream and Rhonda would play another song . After enough of that to make me want to curl up in the shape of a ball and whimper , I got out two wooden spoons . I taught her to hit the two spoons together . Sometimes she could do it so that Rhonda would respond , sometimes she didn 't , but at least her odds improved . One year I got one of those plastic clappers in the shape of tiny hands that Haley could just shake . It worked pretty well . I put Snowman on the top of the refrigerator after she has listened to him tell her the number of days left until Christmas about ten times or so . That used to be pretty safe , but she is getting tall . I am afraid she can reach him . She likes to put the ornaments on the tree and then take them off of the tree and listen to Snowman count up and down alike . I didn 't realize how important that tradition was until I was in college . My freshman year of college was the first time that I had ever been away from my family . The college I went to was not that far away from my hometown , but once I went to college I stayed there until Thanksgiving . I went home for that holiday and then I went back to school . As Christmas approached I had a serious case of homesickness . My roommate and I were feeling sorry for ourselves and one night after we had gotten into bed and turned out the lights we started talking about our Christmas traditions . I told my roommate that my Mom had always read that story to us . I can 't remember why now , but I started reciting the story . I had it memorized . Word for word I recited the story like I had the book in my lap , but it was dark in our room and the book was back home . The story has always been a part of Christmas . I have read the book to my girls every Christmas Eve from their very first Christmases . I can still recite it from memory so I can hold the book open to them so that they can see the pictures . Today we received a box from my Mom in the mail filled with wrapped boxes . There was a copy of the book inside , it wasn 't wrapped . We opened the book and I realized that it was the kind of book that you can record your own voice into . I immediately thought that it would be so cool to have a recording of my Mom reading the story . I turned a page , but there was no sound . I thought maybe that she had expected me to record the story , which also would have been cool , I was disappointed though . Haley took the book . She has a couple of books that can be recorded and she started pushing the buttons . Haley wanted to read the book so she started turning pages and that is when I heard my Mom 's voice . I was afraid that she had recorded over the first few pages . I asked her if I could look at the book . I read the instructions . It said that it works best in a room with good lighting . I turned on the light and then closed the book and opened it again . My Mom 's voice told me that the book was a gift from her read in her own voice . We turned the page and the story began . We hadn 't ruined it after all . Haley has listened to the story , read by her Grandma many times this afternoon . It is sitting on the coffee table in the front room and the lights are on . She goes in to that room and listens to the story and then comes and finds me and says " Grandma read . " or " Read book . " She loves it . Haley has always loved little figurines that she can hold in her hand . The first time I saw her carrying Mary and Joseph around I decided that it wasn 't safe . Luckily at that same time Avon had come out with a plastic Nativity scene that looked just like it . I gave it to Haley and it has been hers ever since . Every year I get it out and set it up somewhere that she can find it . This year it is in her bedroom . Over the years I have found each figure in a different place around the house . Sometimes she sleeps with them . When it 's time to put away the decorations we go around the house and gather up her figures and box them up for the next year . Our church has a wonderful tradition of making gingerbread houses together . We have a member that has taken on the job of coordinating the efforts to make the small simple houses on round cardboard bases . She has teams that make the dough and cut it into the proper shapes and then they use frosting to hold the pieces together . After the children 's Christmas program every year people gather and pool together the candy that everyone shares to decorate their houses . It is a wonderful event . We have gone a couple of years and the first years were fine . We have great pictures and great memories . This was back when Haley 's Big Sis did the decorating and Haley was small enough that we could just hold her , or walk around with her . When Haley got older something happened . This beautiful event was all just too much for Haley , she has never done very well with crowds anyway . I think the combination two events one right after the other without a meal in between didn 't help . Haley was hungry and the only thing to eat was the candy . That is what she ate . We tried to get her to stop , but then she started spiraling into melt - down mode and since Big Sis wasn 't done decorating the house we stayed and let her eat more . Can you say Sugar Rush ? Today we made chocolate balls . My husband 's Mom has made chocolate balls at Christmastime for as long as he can remember . We enjoyed hers for several years and then we respectfully requested the recipe . There is quite a process involved in making chocolate balls , it is kind of like a production line . My husband and I made them together for years and then Haley 's Big Sis joined in the fun when she was old enough . This year Haley wanted to help too . My husband measured out the ingredients that consist of graham cracker crumbs , powdered sugar , peanut butter , margarine , coconut and chopped nuts and Big Sis mixed them together . We gathered around our tall round bar table and began to roll the mixture into balls . Haley stood there expectantly dramatically sniffing the mixture and proclaiming that it " Smells good . " Her Dad asked her if she wanted to help roll them into balls and she actually jumped up and down excitedly and said " Yeah ! " I took a bit of the mixture and worked it together so that it wouldn 't fall apart in her hands and then I handed it to her . As she started smashing it between her palms I got a little into my hands and showed her how to rub her hands together to form a ball . She was using a little too much force so I made her another one and then I held her two hands and helped her to gently roll the dough . When a ball formed I told her that she had done it and she place it on the waxed paper . She was thrilled . I asked her if she wanted to do it again and she said " yeah . " I picked up some more dough and out of habit I created a ball and handed it to her . She immediately set it on the waxed paper , having judged it complete . That became our process . I would roll a ball for her and she would place it down next to the others . She had a great time and when all of the balls were formed she wanted me to help her wash her hands . Later after the balls had chilled my husband began the process of melting the chocolate coating . Haley 's Big Sis added the chocolate and supervised from then on . Haley would come by now and then and check on the process . At one point we needed a spoon and Haley went to the drawer to get one for us . She really was a big help . We had a lot of fun this year putting together our favorite Christmastime treat . All four of us did it together . Yet another tradition has changed , for the better . Every family has traditions around the Christmas holiday , our family is no exception . The exception is that our traditions have changed over the years . I have already mentioned our Christmas tree tradition that has changed in this post and the fact that I decorate by myself . There are some other traditions that have changed as well , I will be sharing a few of those over the next several posts . Some families put presents under the tree before Christmas day . We don 't . We wrap all of the presents ahead of time and hide them , then on Christmas Eve after Haley has gone to bed I put them under the tree . Haley must open presents . It doesn 't matter if the present is for her or not . If I wrap a present for any gift giving occasion I need to hide it immediately . I know this from experience . Haley has opened many presents that I have wrapped that were never intended for her . If I go to a party and bring a gift home that I have received I have to immediately take it out of the wrappings and hide them away before I bring it into the house . If she sees the wrappings she launches into " Present , present , present . " Actually , truth be told , Haley must open boxes . They don 't need to be wrapped . She always wants to know what UPS brings even if I tell her it is only soap . She has to see it . I have several boxes that I intended to keep to store things in that have been unceremoniously opened . So no unopened package is safe . My favorite thing about Christmas morning when I was a kid was to come down the stairs and be blown away by the amount of presents under the tree . I remember a few presents under our tree before Christmas day . They were usually the ones that my brother and sister and I gave to each other , but all of the other presents were saved for that big surprise on Christmas morning . We are keeping that surprise alive in our house , I think there is some value in that tradition . On Sunday we went for a ride on the Holiday Express . This years train was pulled by the 4449 Daylight , one of Haley 's favorite steam engines . The day was very rainy , but not cold . Haley loved the ride as evidenced by her brightly colored cheeks . The Oregon Rail Heritage Foundation set up a tent so that people can wait in line for the train out of the elements and also so that they can peruse the items that they are selling to support the building of the new roundhouse that will some day house the SP 4449 Daylight , the SP & S 700 and the OR & N 197 . Haley gleefully took every written piece of information about her favorite engines which included the Newsletter that updated us on the state of the new roundhouse . The newsletter is well done and it makes us really excited to see construction begin . Haley loves shopping . She kept talking about shopping for clothes , which she did , but shopping for anything with the Daylight , it 's logo or the 700 and it 's logo on it is her favorite kind of shopping . Haley bought two t - shirts and a new jacket . The first picture on this blog is one of the t - shirts she got . We would love to support the building of the new roundhouse even more if we could . The only times that we can experience these engines is when they are out on excursions , the rest of the time they are locked up tight inside a building that is too dangerous to visit . We look forward to the day that we can go to OMSI and buy a ticket and visit these big beautiful engines whenever we want to , but until that day comes we will continue to do our part to support the work of the ORHF by letting Haley shop . Last night I went out with four of my girlfriends . We talked candidly about ourselves and our families . We laughed a lot . I had a wonderful time . It was a well timed diversion . I was out rather late and when I got home I watched television ( Hulu ) for a while before I went to bed . Haley woke me up twice in the night to be changed and tucked back in bed . So I was tired this morning and I slept in . Apparently nothing happens around here without me . Haley needed to be changed again when I woke up and she hadn 't eaten breakfast . She came downstairs with me like she usually does in the morning and we had breakfast . Her Dad came in from the garage and started getting his lunch ready , because he had been up since morning and was on his normal routine . Haley got up from the table and opened the freezer . She decided that she needed lunch too , never mind that there was still cereal in her bowl . I tried to explain to her that she was eating breakfast and that she didn 't need to eat lunch , just because her Dad was eating lunch , but it didn 't matter to her . I offered her some of the grape salad that I had left over from a potluck that I attended last week . That sounded good to her , so she ate it . I took a shower and got dressed and then sat down at the computer and she brought me a package of pasta . I went through the whole spiel again about how she didn 't need to eat lunch , but she wouldn 't quit . I reheated some pasta and sauce that I found in the refrigerator and set her up at the table again . I don 't know what I would do without a microwave ! Haley is shy . We took her to a Psychiatrist a couple of years ago and that was his diagnosis . He never mentioned the elephant in the room , her developmental delay , he just said that she was Super Shy . I know where she gets it . I am shy . His theory was that because I am shy and when he was younger her Dad was probably shy that the combination of the two of us shy people made one really shy kid . The theory doesn 't work for her Big Sis , but whatever . When I meet someone for the first time I am quiet and I might not even look them in the eye . In the past people have thought that I was aloof . I don 't share my feelings easily , ask anyone that knows me , if I start to talk about myself I turn a bright shade of red and my neck and chest turn three shades of purple . I am open in this blog , I am honest . I may not write about every little thing that happens to us , ( obviously since I haven 't written a thing in four days ) but what I do write about is honest . I am trying to be more honest in my everyday life as well . The person I was five years ago would never have been able to write a blog . I was a different person to everyone who knew me . It was exhausting . It makes life somewhat simpler to be yourself . I don 't try to filter myself for each person I am with . I let people know what is going on inside of me . I have friends that read this blog , but I also have friends that don 't . They don 't get as much information about Haley and our life together as my readers do , I have to remember that . I try to share our experiences with them like I do with you . It also means that I am honest with my feelings sometimes when people ask me how I am . Life is not always easy with a child that has special needs , sometimes it can be really hard . When people ask me how Haley is doing I usually say that she is doing really well , because she is . Everyday seems to bring new and exciting changes . Lately she has really been showing incredible patience . I think she is learning that when we tell her something is going to happen in the future she can believe us . That is a great improvement . In our area we are blessed to have a steam locomotive that is operational and is run on special occasions . One such occasion is the Christmas season . Every year we like to take Haley for a ride on the Holiday Express that is pulled by either the 4449 Daylight or the SP & S 700 . We wanted to go this weekend , but Haley 's Big Sis is not feeling well so we are planning to go next weekend . We bought our tickets this morning . My husband always takes Haley train watching on Sundays and he really wanted to take her down to see the Daylight pulling the train today . He was concerned that she would be upset if she got to see the train without getting to ride it . I didn 't know what to tell him , but I said that maybe she would understand if he just told her the truth . He decided to take her . When they got home Haley came in the kitchen and started telling me all about it . She told me that she saw the Daylight and that she walked and that she heard the engine 's whistle . She told me that she could smell the steam and smoke and that it smelled good . Her Dad came in a few minutes later and prompted her to tell me more . He told me that she wasn 't scared . At all . He said that she walked right along side the engine and never asked to go back to the Yukon . He said that he really enjoyed the whole trip because she really enjoyed it . I asked him if she was upset that she didn 't get to ride it . He said that she wasn 't . She talked about riding the cars and he told her that we had tickets for next Sunday . She said " tickets " and that was it . She was fine with it . A few hours later . after she had spent the afternoon looking at pictures of the Daylight and the Holiday Express online she came downstairs and found me again . She started telling me how she had waved at the engineer of the Daylight , his name is Doyle . She told me that she walked and that she had fun . When Haley was small we had a real tree and we had lots of beautiful Hallmark ornaments that we had given each other as gifts since we were married . We had those ball ornaments that will break if they touch each other . The tree was decorated with cute little figures . Haley loves little figures . She likes to hold them . She reached for one and pulled and the entire tree came down on top of her , breaking most of those beautiful delicate ornaments . So now our tree is small , simple and unbreakable . We have an artificial tree that is about five and half feet tall and we decorate it the same every year . I bought three sets of unbreakable ball ornaments that are blue , red , green and purple with gold designs . I bought six golden crosses which are also unbreakable and a set of 12 plastic icicles . That is all we put on the tree besides lights and a garland of sparkly gold . I think it is pretty and the girls can help me decorate it ; I don 't worry about them breaking anything or putting an ornament in a wrong spot . It is easy and simple . It speaks to many compromises I have made over the years . We decorated the tree today . Haley got to help put the ornaments on . I have to guide her hand because she can barely hold on to the ornament let alone find a branch and then leave it on the branch . She put two on with my help and then she was happy to just hand them to me . I like it when she feels like she is helping and she doesn 't get stressed out because she can 't do it herself . Our tree is also quick , I think we decorated it less than thirty minutes . Again , no stress . Then we went in to the bathroom to comb her hair and brush her teeth and she kept talking about Christmas presents . I asked her what she wanted for presents . She said " Green . Red . " " Oh , you are talking about the wrapping paper . What do you want to be in the presents ? " We went downstairs and she headed for the laundry room to see Shadow like she usually does . I got her shoes and her coat out of the closet and went around the corner to wait for her . She followed me around the corner and I looked up to see that she was carrying a box . I was startled . I looked at it . She had gotten out the box of wrapping paper . I told her we didn 't have time to do any wrapping because the bus would be here soon and I put the box away . Then she got mad at me . " Presents ! " she yelled . Oh , joy ! " Haley , we will be able to open presents on Christmas Day , today is the 3rd so we have 22 days to wait . " " 22 days . " Haley had an eye appointment yesterday . She did really well . She doesn 't need a new prescription and her glasses are holding up well so I guess we will go another year with them . There has been an appeal at our church for used glasses so I got out all of Haley 's old glasses . It has been very nostalgic for me . Looking at them reminds me of all of the years that she has worn them . I thought it would be fun to look back at pictures of her in them , the only problem is that I don 't have very many pictures of her wearing her first couple of pairs . This is the first pair of glasses she had . She got them when she was four months old . Notice the straps . We had to strap them to her head . At four months old all she did was roll around and then when she crawled they would have fallen off it they weren 't strapped on . It wasn 't a perfect system however . Also notice that there are two pairs and that they are both broken . I am not sure if there was a design defect or if they were never tested for someone so small . She used to take them off and chew on them . I don 't have any pictures of her in these . This is the next pair of glasses that she had . Notice how the white part of the glasses wrap around the ear . Great idea , in theory . They are also quite chewed up . These were so cute . She did better with them and I really liked the fact that they were metal . They seemed almost indestructible . The rubbery part on the earpiece is chewed up though . I do have a couple pictures of her in these . The next pair lasted a long time . I loved the color on these , and that they are wire frames . I won 't ever get plastic glasses for her again . Then there is the pair that she wears now . She has had them since 2006 . She is pretty good to them . She will put them on all by herself if we forget . I think she is used to them by now . I love the fact that they are blue , they go with her eyes . Haley is walking funny . I mentioned in my post about Thanksgiving weekend that she was walking around with one shoulder held higher than the other , a ' la Quasimodo . It didn 't stop when Grandma and Grandpa left , and it 's freaking me out . I watched her like a hawk yesterday before school and all evening . I 've been coming up behind her and pushing her shoulder down and then I kind of rock both her shoulders up and down . I have been giving her mini - massages . I asked her if her shoulder or her back hurt . Of course she didn 't answer , I don 't know what I was expecting . I spent all day yesterday , as I decorated the house , worrying about her . I was planning to call her doctor . I was planning to call a chiropractor . That 's what I do . I worry . I started watching her again this morning the moment she got out of bed . She was fine . Her shoulders seemed level . I couldn 't quite believe my eyes . I watched her all through breakfast . Then I had a thought . What if it was her bra ? What if she was trying to keep the strap from falling off her shoulder ? She wasn 't doing it when she wasn 't wearing a bra , she was only wearing her pajamas . I watched her walk up the stairs and made a mental note to put the bra on her that has a racer back , I don 't think the straps would bother her in that one . She seemed fine after I got her dressed . She kind of started looking like she was cocking one shoulder up when I was brushing her teeth , but I could have imagined it . I sent her off to school . I have been watching her since she got home and I don 't see it . I asked her Dad if he thought her shoulders looked level to him , he said they did . So I will keep my eyes on her . She is going to wear the racer back bra for a couple of days though . Haley is developmentally delayed . She is a teenager with an extensive knowledge of trains . She loves animals . She is almost always happy . This blog is about her .
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Getting the little jenny is moving along , they want to bring her down here Wed or Thur . I just got a message from someone else that the jenny has been seen by a vet & it was recommended that she be euthanized . I 'm sure by now most people know my opinion about euthanasia unless there is absolutely no option left . I know that vets a lot of times are quick to recommend euthanasia as a quick easy fix to the problem when time & on going effort could make a lot of difference . Unless there are x - rays there is no way of really knowing what the inside of her feet look like . I am waiting to hear back from people that supposedly know the vet , so we 'll see what I can find out . Boaz has once again , shown his affinity for going on a walk - a - bout . Wasn 't here at feeding time , so John headed one way & I headed the other . I left the gate open when I went out with the golf cart , just in case , everyone else were in their pens . I went up the road quite a ways , headed back & who did I see doing a " burn - out " turn into the driveway . . . . . . . . . . . ? ? ? ? At least he knows where he belongs , he just has wanderlust . . . . . . . ! ! ! John walked the complete fence line of the 30 acres & didn 't find any hoof prints inside the fence , but did find a bunch of them outside the place where he got out last time , & John fixed it . It 's in a bad spot because it 's right at the edge of the 15 foot high bank of the big wash , impossible to put up a post that will be sturdy enough to discourage a determined donkey I guess . John did a quick fix & so far Boaz is staying home . John says the permanent fix will take most of the day , & he hasn 't had time yet . This morning John noticed a tiny little pile of diarrhea in Aaron 's pen . . . . . . . . hmmmm . . . . ! Not unusual for 5 - 7 day old foals to have diarrhea while their system adjusts to being on their own , rather than relying on momma 's body to take care of him . They also eat momma 's poo to get the probiotics into their gut , which we caught him doing yesterday . Time for Pepto Bismol or Keopectate . I had to get in touch with Kathy at LonTish Wish I had a camera tonight when I went out to do chores . Aaron discovered rearing & kicking out to the side as you run past something . Ruthie was laying down & he attempted to jump over her . Didn 't go too well , he hung up & then had to try to figure out how to get all 4 legs on the same side of Mom . A lot of squirming & wiggling & a very mellow Mom & he was off running again . Ruthie has finally come off of " guard " duty , or at least she isn 't quite as on guard as she was . Even came over to me to be petted tonight . While I was petting her I felt a nudge , turned around & there was a cute little face wanting to participate . I kept scratching on Ruthie & reached back with the other hand & scratched his back & neck . I think I have a friend for life , he seemed to think it was great . He 's 4 days old & the difference between him & Tucker is amazing . They were both born on a Tuesday , & Sunday morning John was hauling Tucker & Mocha into 24 hour care in Tucson . He stopped on the way one time , because he thought Tucker had died he was so still . This time is a much more fun experience , so far . Aaron is twice as big as Tucker was , John picked him up this afternoon to move him out of Daisy 's pen , he was laying down & didn 't see a reason to get up . I asked John if he carried him all the way to his pen . He said no , he 's heavier than he looks . He actually looks pretty sturdy . Posted by Ruthie has been very good at letting the other donkeys & Rusty the mule , know that their admiration isn 't appreciated . Poor Daisy shares a fence at feeding time & isn 't allowed on that side of the pen without being met by a huffy kicking momma . . . . . ! ! ! Last night John didn 't get the gate closed in time , the baby went in , momma went in with a vengeance & Daisy tried to chase the baby . Not sure if Daisy was trying to steal the baby or thought he was the problem . Either way , John hustled around & got everyone where they needed to be before someone got hurt . Can 't keep calling him baby , although I could call him Habibi , which is Arabic for baby . But his name will be Aaron . We had a family out here to see the donkeys a couple of months ago , & one of the men was having a birthday . His Mother asked if we would name the baby after him . I asked what if it was a girl , but of course there is the Irish spelling of Erin , so everything was covered . This morning he was acting a little funny with his mouth . I would imagine he is cutting his first 2 teeth , they show up within a few days of them being born . This is a link to a story about the sanctuary , where Diega was before one of the board members took her to Phoenix . I hope they can make some changes that are long overdue , & make sure the first & foremost goal , is to make sure the animals are well taken care of . It looks like there are 145 animals on a 7 acre property . I was up there a few years ago , when there were actually more animals & was really surprised that they didn 't look crowded . I figured they would be standing nose to tail , waiting for someone to move a few steps , so they could move . But they actually had more room than I expected . I know some of the animals were kept in barns , which I didn 't see . Don 't know if they ever were outside or not . Some of the horses were in small individual pens , I was told they went out in an area that looked to be about 1 / 2 acre , but I don 't know how often . I just hope this is a good thing for the animals . Ruthie is really protective & we still haven 't got our hands on him . I thought after a couple of days she would be more receptive , but so far she doesn 't see a need for us to be part of their little family , so I guess we 'll have to get pro - active . He 's definitely livelier than Tucker was , during the day they get the 6 pens on the west side & he takes full advantage of being able to run from one end to the other . Looks like there 's another little girl in the pipeline that might be coming out to stay with us . Right now she 's up in Phoenix with some nasty , nasty feet . Her name is Diega & she 's only 2 1 / 2 years old . Not sure when it will all happen , but soon . This is front feet , don 't know how they could get that bad in 2 1 / 2 years . She also has a lot of proud flesh on the wrapped leg . We also might be getting another mule for Rusty . He doesn 't care for the donkeys at all , so is by himself now with Jack gone . There is a large rescue in northern Arizona that is going thru some big long overdue changes & one of them is downsizing . This is where the jenny is coming from & when we were e - mailing back & forth , I told them they might as well throw in a mule for Rusty . Wonder what it will be . . . . . . ? ? ? The vet drew blood on Buddy Brat & Cisco & we decided to take both of them into the clinic , to have Buddy 's sarcoid taken off his sheath . The clinic has a new freezing machine that Dr . Megan said would be perfect for Buddy 's little match head size growth , but they don 't take it into the field . And in order to get an endoscope done on Cisco , we have to go to the office , so we 'll just take them both at the same time . She agreed that a lot of the swallowing problems Cisco is having could definitely be caused by being used as a roping donkey . And the endoscope might not even show anything even if they manage to get it down his throat , which might not happen . Then it was on to Jenny for evaluation . I unwrapped her foot , & on examination , Dr . Megan said she could feel swelling clear up above the coronet , & that we had lost some of the hoof integrity on either side of the abscess area . There was very little doubt that the foot was not going to get better . I was surprised the material that I thought might be cartilage that was sticking out of her foot , was just more proud flesh . She said proud flesh on lower legs & feet , can behave in lots of weird ways . Jenny was the first one that I couldn 't stay with , we had just too much time & effort together , & she was still healthy & happy , just couldn 't walk very good . John stayed with her & said he was petting & talking to her when she went down . She was going to be euthanized if we hadn 't taken her 5 1 / 2 years ago , & she had over 4 years of relatively good life , so I guess I will have to be satisfied with that . Good - bye my big girl . . . . . ! ! Right before John went out last night the donkeys were braying . As soon as they got out of their pens they surrounded the pen , gawking . This morning they were still gawking , when they came in from Burroland . This was the first time he laid down , finally ran out of gas I guess . Looks like a little boy , from the little glance under the tail , Ruthie " allowed " me to look . Had to be quick , she is very good at going between anything she thinks doesn 't need to be close to her little one . Looks like he will be about the color of his older brother , Ruger , a light tan . We are waiting for the vet to show up to see Cisco about not being able to eat hay without quidding , Buddy has a sarcoid on his sheath & of course Jenny . When I saw the baby last night I thought of the old saying about , a door not closing without another door opening , or however it goes . I hope this little guy has a better life than Jenny 's has been . She 's never given up , which really makes this hard to face . Posted by John has got a new project to keep him busy . When my Mother moved out here with us this summer her very nice Lincoln town car came with her . Because the donkeys love to inspect & dismantle just about anything we decided it should be in the garage unless it 's going someplace . I noticed the other day , the pillow in the back seat , had a couple of small holes in it & the missing pieces were laying on the seat . . . . . . . . Hmmmmmmm . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! A couple of days ago John was going to unload some apple treats from the trunk , & not only found a hole in the bag , but found mice poo too . Grrrrr . . . . ! ! ! Finally found the small live trap used when the feed room got inundated with the little monsters awhile back . So far his count is 3 , 1 little girl , & 2 boys . When I say little I 'm not kidding , these are tiny tiny little mice . They are only about 2 inches long , John is trying to figure out how they are getting in the car . As small as they are it certainly wouldn 't take much of an opening for them to have free access . He is hauling them over to the chicken pen . We figure they are probably beating him back to the garage . That 's what happened when they were using a tree limb to get in the air conditioning opening in the feed room . In fact one time John was walking back to this side of the wash , & a mouse , ( we figure it was the one he had just released in the chicken pen ) ran across his boot , headed back to the feed room . At least they aren 't pack rats , thank goodness . They can completely destroy the wiring in a car , no one can figure out what the fascination for the wiring is , but that is what they usually chew up . Even people living in town have trouble with pack rats . Posted by This was Jenny big girl this morning while her foot was soaking . Ears up & willing to chase me down for a treat . It is so difficult to think that unless we can figure out something to help her , Wednesday will probably be her last day . She is in excellent health , only 12 years old & still goes out with the others . But she just has one good foot left & unless there is a light at the end of the tunnel for her , I see no reason to continue to torture her . She does not enjoy being soaked & wrapped & all that goes with it , even with treats in the offering . If this is going to be her life , I think it might be time to let her go . There isn 't a more stubborn person on the planet than I am , when it comes to my animals , & I 'm am more than willing to fight the good fight . But not at the cost of her not having quality life . Ruthie is still hanging onto her little one . I 'm not sure how it is positioned , this morning she had more bulging on the right side . Lysa thought she saw it moving , but I didn 't see it . I don 't know if it will actually completely heal , but it is certainly headed in the right direction . It will always be a scar , hopefully with enough elasticity to not crack open because of being on the knee . It doesn 't seem to bother him at all , certainly doesn 't slow him down . Most donkeys prefer to " mozy " along , Boaz doesn 't mind running with or without a reason . Posted by I 'm afraid we 're coming down to decision time with Jenny . This is not all proud flesh as I thought . Some of it seems to be cartilage . I don 't think cartilage outside the hoof wall is going to work , especially when the coronary band is as fragile as hers is . I got on the internet & at first thought it might be lateral cartilage , but that 's suppose to be behind the coffin bone . Of course no more coffin bone than she has left , maybe it has shifted to the front , who knows , I certainly don 't . I do know that it is one messed up foot . The material isn 't bone , I do recognize it as cartilage , like the cartilage at the end of a rack of ribs . The vet is suppose to be here next Wednesday to take x - rays . The last ones taken in October I think , looked about like the ones taken in the spring , no shifting . She is still willing , no make that insisting to go out with the other donkeys & roam all over the place , so she has quality of life , but at what cost ? I don 't mind taking care of her as long as the ears are up & the eyes are shiny , but I really would like to see something that would help me think there will be better times for her in the future . The hoof re - section is just about completely grown out , & if she hadn 't popped an abscess above it , she would be on her way to being just one of the gang . But the abscess started months of getting worse , developing into chronic infection that is probably in the coffin bone again . Posted by Well , John can 't remember if he didn 't latch the hay barn gate or not . But the barn ended up with as many donkeys & of course Rusty the mule , in it as could fit around the stacked bales of hay . Well except for BlackJack blocking everyone else from getting to the bale of alfalfa we feed the chickens . John put it between the hay & the side of the barn , & there was only room for the " early bird " , especially if he stands cross ways . Only about half of them would fit inside , so the rest were milling around outside waiting for their turn . John ruined that , when he saw what was going on . They all scattered when they realized they had been caught , except for BlackJack , he wasn 't leaving the alfalfa without a fight . He 's a bluffer , so as soon as he figured out that John meant it , he left with as much dignity as he could muster . Now John is clipping the gate again , although he thinks he probably left it unchained . Usually we don 't bother unless we have a precocious gate opener on the property . Thelma was the last one , & she could open all types including the gate to the house . Posted by God obviously has a sense of humor . Over the last couple of days it has rained , tried to rain , threatened to rain , & the sun has shone . Want to take bets when it rains ? If you 're first guess is at chore time , BINGO . . . . . . . ! ! ! Oh ! it hasn 't been a downpour , just enough drizzle to be irritating . I 'm not complaining , we need 4 inches of rain to reach our pathetic average of 11 inches a year . But drizzles " ain 't " going to make it happen . My choice would be a steady downpour thru - out the night . A couple of nights like that would really make the spring flowers happy . We finally put away the fly masks for the season , at least I hope we won 't need them again . They were pretty rough on them this year , the more boys we have , the more replacement fly masks we need . There are still 2 or 3 out there somewhere , that John couldn 't find . I 'll go ahead & get in touch with Renee at Colorful Equine even though it 's winter . I 'm sure she stays busy once the flies show up in the spring . Couldn 't get the vet out here until the day after Christmas , so Jenny & I are back to soaking & working on proud flesh & popping antibiotics . Don 't know that the vet will have any better ideas , but we 'll see . When the vet comes out I 'm going to run an idea past her & see what she thinks . Cisco was at a roping school , & was loaned out to the students to take home & practice on , until he mentally shut down & would no longer react to anything around him . He has never brayed , when he tries there isn 't much noise unlike most of the others . I am wondering if his throat was damaged , from being roped ? I 'm sure they weren 't real careful to make sure he didn 't get injured . We 've had him about 12 years , he 's about 20 years old & my thought is , he could have scar tissue that is changing size , shape , etc . I don 't know if that 's possible , but I 'm going to ask . Posted by I 'm always amazed when the weatherman gets it right . They said rain & we actually got 3 / 4 of an inch of rain overnight . Needed the rain , BUT , the vet was suppose to come out this morning to check Jenny , pull blood on Cisco & Rusty , & probably removed a growth from Buddy Brat 's sheath . They called & cancelled , can 't use x - ray , etc when it 's raining . Besides wet donkeys aren 't going to be the most pleasant patients . If there is anything a donkey hates worse than being wet , it 's being touched when they are wet . Really puts them in a cranky mood . . . . . . . . ! ! ! Cisco actually choked yesterday morning on a piece of carrot . I sure hope we can find out what is wrong with him . So for now , he will be getting animal crackers as a treat , rather than carrots . Also have a problem with the ACTH test for Cushings for Rusty . It seems right now they are not manufacturing the testing material according to the vet . It can be compounded , but of course compounded medicine is usually more expensive . She suggested trying Rusty on a low dosage of pergolide & see if it helps with his exuberant hair growth . Both Pepper & Daisy are on 3mg of pergolide a day , which I get in 1 . 5 capsules . Too high a dosage to start out on , so she was going to figure out a good starting dosage & let me know . We talked about the fact that Jenny seems to be walking a little more comfortable & the drainage from the foot is almost gone . I haven 't put a sugar / dyne poultice on for over a week , & am only soaking her foot twice a week in epsom salts & betadyne . She thinks it might be time to see how much proud flesh we can get off & use a pressure bandage . She was also pleased that the hoof wall growing in at the coronary band looks to be good growth . She said because of where the proud flesh is , the new hoof growth will basically push the proud flesh off the foot as it grows . Not sure I want to see that . Ruthie is still bagging up , as they say , but no other changes . I keep remembering with Mocha , that she didn 't even look pregnant , but Tucker showed up anyway . Ruthie usuTish This is what Jenny 's foot looked like this morning after I worked a little with scissors & a rag . I hope the 3 bones in her foot stay inside until the hoof wall has time to grow down . They are suppose to be sitting one on top of the other , with the triangle shaped coffin bone on the bottom . Because of chronic laminitis the velcro that is suppose to suspend the bones inside the foot no longer attaches to the hoof or if it does I 'm sure it is hit & miss . Perhaps in a few areas , but nothing like it 's suppose to be . When they did the hoof resection in April , they removed about half or a little more of the coffin bone to get rid of the massive infection , & did a regional perfusion of antibiotics . Since late this summer we have been fighting an abscess & whatever accompanies it . She goes out with the other donkeys & although she walks pretty " easy " on that foot , as in almost 3 legged lame , she goes over to Burroland & seems to do wherever she wants . The vet doesn 't want to take off the proud flesh because she afraid the hoof might collapse . My theory is , with the proud flesh taking up so much room , how can the hoof wall grow in ? It is drier than it was , & there is actually some good looking hoof wall growing in from the coronary band . But I 've wondered for quite awhile , what happens if behind the proud flesh the bones are jumbled & no longer in line because there is nothing to hold them ? From the info I get , no one really knows . . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! Or if they do they aren 't sharing with me . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! Sigh ! Maybe I 'll find out something when the vet is here Friday . This is Boaz 's knee with it 's usual covering of dirt . I think of dirt as another type of scab , because if you put anything on it that is wet and / or sticky , this is what it ends up looking like . We have managed to eradicate the proud flesh , BUT , the area is large enough that getting it to completely heal is a challenge . There is no good tissue only scar tissue , which hopefully will eventually fill in . Boaz didn 't think much of me looking at his knee , & the camera making " funny " noises . He is such a neat donkey & would make someone a wonderful companion . I hope if I can get his knee to where it doesn 't take daily care , someone will look past his scars & see what a rough diamond he is . Ruthie was even more suspicious than Boaz , at the camera sounds . She wouldn 't stand still at all to let me take time to try to get a picture of her growing belly . It 's suppose to get colder here in the next few days , & I 've been telling her to not have that baby now , to wait until it warms up a little . John is still " groping " her every morning & there have been some changes in the last few days . Her " floppies " aren 't as floppy as they were , although they aren 't full . She 's had about as much experience at having a baby as I have , so I will rely on her to do what she needs to do . I just hope the little guy doesn 't come into a world of 15 degrees , like we 've had a couple of mornings this week . Posted by Good grief , we need to get together & take a better picture before Hunter gets grown . Cut off part of Mother & JR is looking down at Hunter , & his hat hides his face . There 's my " little " boy Rod , that weighed 4 # 1 1 / 2oz when he was born , he 's grown a little over the years . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! I just got this off his Facebook page . I also got this picture of a " real " race car . This is a 1977 Oldsmobile from years gone by . I actually drove this car out here one time . One of the pleasures of living out in the boonies , you can have a lot of fun & not get caught . . . . . ! ! ! ! LOL Rod 's Facebook Page : If you would like to see some of the other race cars . The black & white car is our grandson JR 's . I need to send Rod a picture of our first car from 1969 . It was a 1957 Chevy that got rather badly abused , couldn 't even recognize it by the end of the season it was on it 's top more than the wheels , I think . . . . . ! ! ! ! All the donkeys are doing pretty good right now . Rusty has settled down to being the only mule , although I know he would like a buddy . I 'm still holding off on getting in touch with some of the other rescues to see if they have a likely candidate . I 'm sure there is one out there that really could use a new home . Jenny is not putting much weight on her bad foot , but it does seem to be drier & the proud flesh isn 't getting any worse . Courtney is suppose to come out Wed to trim & the vet is coming out Friday to evaluate . I wish she would cut the proud flesh off , if nothing else it 's interfering with soaking & anything else I might want to do & is in the way of any new hoof growth . Posted by Well , well , well , I guess I 'll have to change my little story about how Cheyenne can back up any animal on the property & does , if there is food involved . She becomes a little kicking machine , until the chosen one , backs up & finds something else to do . She 's always gotten away with it , even with the mules & Max the horse . This morning when John was letting everyone out , Cheyenne ran in Daisy 's pen looking for morsels of hay , like Daisy was going to leave anything , but I guess there is always a chance . Boaz wandered in to see what she was doing & she proceeded to double barrel kick him with her tiny little hooves . John said he backed up a few feet , just stood there , looking at her for a few seconds . Made up his mind , walked over picked her up by her neck & shook her . John said her back feet were still on the ground , & when he yelled at Boaz he dropped her . Poor little thing , she isn 't use to being so mistreated . John checked her over & gave her a treat , but I have an idea she 'll be a little more careful with Boaz in the future . He obviously doesn 't put up with her nonsense . . . . ! ! ! Posted by YIKES . . . . . . . . . I 'm really getting behind . This time of year is when I do a newsletter for Christmas . I know , a lot of people HATE newsletters at Christmas , but that 's the best I can do . Besides I don 't talk about who is at the top of their class , or has a new job that pays twice what the old one did . Like that 's going to happen in our economy right now . . . . . ! ! ! Or talk about people that unless you know them , really doesn 't make a lot of sense . I look at John he looks at me , & we ask , " who are they talking about " ? Anyway I talk about the animals & what they did this year it 's usually more interesting than than what people do anyway . So far I haven 't gotten started . But I have good intentions & nothing planned tomorrow , sooooooo . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! ! The vet is coming out next Friday to test Rusty the mule for Cushings . He is getting hairy & I don 't remember him doing that before . I have all my information printed out to back up my request for an ACTH test rather than the Dex test for Cushings . Some vets are coming around to the idea of one blood draw & no threat of laminitis & using the ACTH test . But it is vital that it be handled properly . The last one I had done , had to be done over . . . . . . . . . . . the lab didn 't do it right . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! ! Hmmmmm . . . . . . . . as I recall we had a discussion over why in the world I wanted that rather than the gold standard Dex test . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! While she 's out , I 'll have her draw a CBC on Cisco . He 's just not right . We had his teeth done , but he still eats like he 's got something going on . We were going to haul him in for an endoscope , but since the vet was coming out for other animals , decided to get a CBC & see if it tells us anything , then we can do the endoscope later . Buddy Brat has a small sarcoid on his sheath . I 've been putting Equaide on it & it is holding it 's own or getting smaller , but won 't hurt to have it looked at . And last but certainly not least is Jenny big girl needs to be re - evaluated for her foot . We 're still soaking , & poulticing , & fighting proud flesh . I don 't think it 's any worse , but have no clue if it is getting better . The proud flesh drives me crazy , which is actually a pretty short drive . . . . . . . . . . but the vet says we can always take care of it later , we need to try to take care of the oozing . I don 't see how the hoof wall can grow correctly , if it 's got this blob of " stuff " in the way . It does look like we are getting some hoof growth at the coronet , but below that what happens , when the growth reaches the proud flesh ? So if I don 't update for a few days , don 't be surprised . Patti left me with a " dummy " blog to play with . I got into it a couple of nights ago , & I think it will be easier to set up another dummy blog than to try to straighten that one out . It 's amazing how much damage one person that doesn 't know what they are doing , can do . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! ! ! LOL Just got a call from Mocha & Tucker 's Mom . You might recall that they also took in Missy the Great Dane someone dumped in our area . It seems that during the night Missy knocked down the fence & attacked Tucker . He 's OK , but has a gash on his side , his ears have been chewed & he has some bites on his hind quarters , poor little guy . She also killed the ducks & geese . Missy 's been there for a couple of months & none of us have any idea what happened to set her off . Like January said we don 't know her history , so we 'll never know , but obviously she shouldn 't be around other species , don 't know about dogs . January said she got into a fight with one of their other dogs , over food , but that 's different . She 's already checked with a Great Dane rescue in El Paso & they will take Missy . I feel terrible about this happening since I was responsible for putting Missy into that home . As they say , no good deed goes unpunished , & in this case the ducks , geese , & poor little Tucker pay the price . Posted by This afternoon we picked up Ellyn & Dick in Sonoita & headed out to do the home study for Pancho & Ruger " ie " Lefty . It 's almost perfect burro country , about 3 acres of hilly rocky ground with a nosy Arab mare & 3 dogs . So we headed to the other side of Sonoita to pick up the boys from their foster home . Sonoita is basically an intersection out in the middle of grasslands , so going from one side to the other isn 't very far . In fact as a crow flies they are probably less than 2 miles from where they were . Their foster mom has changed her days at work , & actually was home today . Probably a good thing , since Pancho had a different type of day planned I guess . Dick & Ellyn even got to tug & pull as we tried to get Pancho in the trailer . For a little guy , he certainly was determined , but so were we . Ruger was just a goofy little guy , pretty much ready to " go along to get along " . We got them in their pen , & they got busy exploring the new territory , basically ignoring people , dogs & the silly mare . She 's a beautiful Arab mare , very friendly , loves people . . . . . . . . . . . . BUT . . . . . . . . . once the donkeys hit the ground , she totally focused on them , almost ran me down . I tried twirling a rope to back her up , & obviously she had never had that rather " rustic " training method used on her , since it didn 't even faze her . . . . . . . . ! ! ! So I made sure I was close to a bush or tree , just in case , she came flying thru again . The dogs went out in the pen with the donkeys & everyone seemed to get along just fine , & before we left the mare & the donks had touched noses thru the fence , so I think they 'll fit right in . Posted by The weather was great , we didn 't have as many people as we have had in other years , but everyone seemed to have a good time , & the donkeys got lots of attention . One man brought his own apples , which were a huge hit with the " fur " kids . Jenny got to the point where she wouldn 't take timothy pellets , if that 's all they had to offer . When the man brought out the apple , she had no problem taking that . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! I want to thank , Linda , Georgette , Ian , Patti & Mae for all their help . Couldn 't have done it without you guys . Besides we don 't ever see enough of ya 'll , it makes a good time to visit in between people coming to see the donkeys . Ruthie started yelling as soon as she saw people & Boaz learned to trot from one side of his pen to the other , as the people moved along . Most of the people were more than willing to give him more treats or pet him , which he figured out real quick . One woman came that was here a couple of years ago , & got Tula to take a treat from her hand . I think over the years Tula has done that 3 times , always from a woman . But she wouldn 't do it this time . I got a big surprise , when I looked up & saw a friend from Missouri , Ellyn & her husband Dick . Ellyn was our bridesmaid when we got married 51 years ago . . . . . . ! ! ! They 've been out here before , but we didn 't know they were coming this year . They 've gone on quite a few adventures with us , picking up donkeys or hay or whatever else we 're doing . They are more than willing to jump into the fray , so to speak . Tomorrow they are going to go with us to do a home study for Pancho & Ruger . If the home checks out , which I think it will we 'll go pick up the boys & haul them to their new home , which is pretty close to where they are being fostered . The people are horse people so they know what shelter & fences means , I 'm sure there won 't be any problems . You might notice the blog looks a little different . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . FINALLY . . . . . . . . . ! ! I have been ready to do some changes with the blog for a LONG time , but didn 't know how to do it & was afraid to mess up Tish John & I are running around like chickens with our heads cut off , trying to get ready . Well actually right now he 's running around , & I 'm goofing off on the computer . . . . . . . ! ! ! All that organizing gives me a " low back pain " , so I am taking a well earned break . . . ! ! ! I think everything is falling into place , so we should be ready by tomorrow morning . Did find out a couple of the volunteers aren 't going to make it , so the rest of you guys are going to probably be pretty busy . If anyone in the area would like to come out for a few hours , I 'm sure we could use you . If it gets busy , I 'll probably recruit from visitors that I know . . . . . . . ! ! ! LOL Of course we aren 't the only attraction going on . The Cascabel Community Fair , ( for 20 some years it was a Christmas fair , till " PC " raised it 's ugly head ) will be jamming out with music , food , lots of booths with homemade one of a kind treasures . It 's about 12 miles north of us & is well worth the effort to go see what 's going on . Well , I think Boaz & his partner in crime BlackJack are trying for a world record for losing fly masks . It 's become a daily occurrence for Boaz to come in without a mask . John has spent a LOT of time looking for them . I even went out this morning looking , hoping a different way of searching might turn at least one of them up . . . . . . . . . . . . NOPE A nice couple that came to visit this summer , obviously thought some of the masks needed replacing , & sent 5 brand spanking new ones . Two of the ones Boaz lost are those , & I refuse to put another new one on him . This morning I went thru the masks I have laying on the sewing machine awaiting repairs from a hard summer & picked out the one easiest to fix . Now it 's out there too , & I guess I 'll dig out another one tonight to put on him tomorrow . I could get in touch with Renee at Colorful Equine , but if I can get thru this year with what I have , I 'll order a supply of masks in the spring for next year . It wouldn 't be so bad , but he is one that really needs a fly mask , because of habronema damage below his eyes . When he comes in without a mask , his eyes are all watery . You 'd think by almost December the flies would be gone , especially after a couple of nights earlier this month of 19 degrees . But there are still plenty of them flying around . The weather this week - end for the Open House is suppose to be sunny & in the 70 's . Last year it was cold & miserable , so Mae said she would bring hot apple cider this year . I called her & told her as warm as it was going to be , hot cider probably wouldn 't be as appreciated as it would have been last year . This afternoon John FINALLY got the concrete poured for the rubbermaid water trough to sit on . Lysa & I have been after him for a year , & he kept saying he 'd get to it . I think we 'd given up or maybe he was just waiting for us to quit harping about it . When we went out for chores tonight , someone had gouged a couple of divets out of it . Donkeys don 't miss anything & if it can be messed up or even better , totally destroyed , that 's what will happen . I 'm having a hard time adjusting my feed . Jack ate over half of the mush I mixed up each feeding . So far I 'm mixing up too much every time , so I put what 's left in the refrigerator till the next feeding . I don 't want to not have enough , but at the rate I 'm going that 's not going to be a problem . Rusty seems lost , he just stands around usually around the pen area . Boaz didn 't have a shelter in his pen , so we moved Daisy to Jack 's pen , down by her girlfriends , Frijolita & Tula . John took the corral panels down between Daisy & Boaz , so now not only does he have a shelter , he also has the largest pen . I hope we can find Rusty a mule buddy . Posted by When John went out this morning , Jack had crossed over the Rainbow Bridge . John had checked on him around 3am . He was laying down , sitting up on his breastbone , got up & came to John . That in itself was unusual behavior for him , interaction with people was always on his terms . Without a necropsy we 'll never know for sure what happened , but I feel it was something that had been going on for awhile . He was as usual until yesterday afternoon , so whatever it was , hadn 't been a burden to him , which is good . When Jack first came here with John In April of 2004 Jack 's owner called & said if we didn 't take him he would shoot him , because Jack had recently gone blind in one eye & was too spooky . I think even then he didn 't hear well , which was probably part of the spooky part , especially if you came up on his blind side . That never changed , you come up on his blind side without yelling , & there were going to be fireworks , hopefully away & not towards you . We called him " WooWoo " Jack , that 's the sound he made when he was anxiously waiting for his mush . And if you forgot & headed towards the 4 pens below him without feeding him first , he really let you know it . Over the years he mellowed although he was always a mule because of being used as a tool , rather than being treated as a team member , probably all of his life . He was born on a ranch May 5 , 1982 & I doubt that he ever established a relationship with anyone . But he learned to mug people that came out on tours for treats . We always warned them that he would " slime " their hand because of lacking many teeth . He was always chewing a quid of hay or weeds , & would work it down to the front of his mouth , & delicately " hack " it out , so he could accept their offer . We 'd tell them the story & they all would stand to watch him work it out & spit & most were more than willing to get " slimed " I hope in some way we helped to make his retirement years good . He roamed the property with his buddy Rusty the white mule , & could do just what he wanted to do . I hope it was enough . Now Rusty doesn 't have a buddy , he doesn 't care for the donkeys & they don 't want to be around him . Who knows maybe a little mini horse or mule will need a new buddy soon . Posted by Managed to get the bird & it 's accompanying goodies cooked & ready at the same time . . . . . . ! ! ! ! It 's been so long since I " did " Thanksgiving , I wasn 't sure I could get it done . I actually had some down time in the morning , which was a surprise . This is a picture I took of Laura , Olivia , John , Boaz & a little bit of BlackJack in the background , as they were getting ready to leave . They were here for 3 days & really were a lot of help . Olivia wants to be a vet , & from what I saw she will be a good one . Speaking of Boaz , I got a call this afternoon from a neighbor to tell me one of the donkeys was out & about down by her place . I went out & told John Boaz was out . . . . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! Didn 't even have to think about who it was . . . . . . Ha ! John said this morning Boaz came in " flying low " & braying from Burroland & ran in his pen , like he was late . Now we think he was probably out & ran to catch up . Anyway we went out with the golf cart , & there he was in the wash headed for the San Pedro River bed , hesitate to call it a river , since it very rarely has water in it . I jumped out to try to head him off , & told John to take off towards home & I 'd run him down the road , towards the gate , that John was going to open . I started down the wash , & when I got close to him , he jumped up the bank , which wasn 't an easy jump . As he was scrambling up the bank , & I got closer to him , he lunged up the bank & took off like someone had set his tail on fire . Usually when a donkey is running they run along with their head turned to one side , bopping along at a pretty good speed . He had his head down & running as fast as I 've ever seen one run . I tried to run up the bank to keep up with him , which wasn 't a real brilliant idea , I fell in the process . Of course he was still " picking them up & putting them down " . When I got to the road , John was still there , & said Boaz leaped past him , ran over to our fence & went thru like it wasn 't even there . Hmmm , last time he got out which hasn 't been too long ago , John went down to that area & fixed where he thought the problem was . Obviously not . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! But in the process Boaz showed John exactly where the fence had dragged the post on the bank , down into the wash , which made the existing fence about 18 inches high . Didn 't even slow him down . . . . . . . but John shut off Burroland for the night & has plans for fixing the problem tomorrow . Why do I think that Boaz is going to end up showing John every weakness in his perimeter fence . . . . . . ! ! ! ! LOL While we were down there we noticed Jack the mule laying down in the wash . It looked like he was just rolling . But tonight when he came in , he was acting like he was in pain , John came in & said he thought Jack was colicing . He has gut sounds , but has his tail out away from his body & acts like he trying to pass gas . He is so hard to work with , although I did manage to get Colic Relief down him . This is later & no change in Jack , I can 't really say he is acting like colic , but without a vet it 's beyond my knowledge to know what else it could be . He seems to be in pain & is actually letting us work with him , which is unusual for him . I even gave him a shot of banamine . We quit giving him vaccinations years ago , because he would just explode if the needle touched him . He didn 't even move when I gave him the shot . Banamine is a good pain , inflammatory medication & is often given for colic . As usual if anything is going to happen , it will happen on a week - end or holiday . Although we now have a mobile vet , she lives about 50 miles away . . . . . . . . . . SIGH The clinic up at Gilbert always has students or interns working with them & they live just across the road from the clinic in a house . Don 't know if the clinic owns it or not , but it 's certainly convenient . My idea of heaven would be a local clinic with at least 3 vets in the office , that lived close to the clinic . They could take turns being on call , so there would be 24 / 7 coverage . Unfortunately I don 't think there would ever be enough business in this area to justify such a clinic . Took a picture of Jenny 's foot this morning . I know to most people it looks really icky , but it actually is looking pretty good , well except for the proud flesh . The sugar / betadine poultice seems to be drying out the drainage . I hope it continues to improve . Posted by This morning John had his first cataract removed . I guess I was so thrilled with mine , he decided to try it . He already says things are much brighter , that 's what I first noticed too . Our son , grandson , & great grandson will coming out from Tucson for Thanksgiving this year . I have " squirmed " out of fixing dinner for years , but guess it finally caught up with me . . . . . ! ! ! LOL Hope I can remember what to do . Actually it isn 't the " what to do " , it 's getting it to come out " on time " . I use to do this for large groups when John was in the Air Force , but I 've gotten out of the habit . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! Mother wouldn 't want to go out to eat , so it started out I was going to cook for the 3 of us . But you know how those things go . We are even adding Laura & Olivia her daughter , that are here this week volunteering . Olivia wants to be a vet in a few years , & they like to go to different rescues & sanctuaries away from home to volunteer . They are really good help , I hope I can find enough to keep them busy . . . . . ! ! ! Yesterday I went to town & brought home sacks of feed in the pick - up . We hauled in the groceries , came in the house , & promptly forgot about the feed . Looked out a few minutes later & there was a " herd " surrounding the bed of the pick - up , although Rusty the mule was about the only one tall enough to actually " partake " of the goodies . John went out , tried to run them off , & moved the pick - up to the container where we store feed . It 's up by the garage & guess what he found up there ? Let me give you a hint . . . . . . . . . . . he had also forgotten to close the garage door , where we store the garbage bags to take to the landfill . The ones that hadn 't found the hay pellets in the truck , had found the open door that led to those fascinating plastic bags that must have smelled good . John said they had scattered garbage from the container all the way past the hay barn . I wondered why it took him so long to move the pick - up & unload 3 bags of feed . . . . . . ! ! ! He was busy , chasing donkeys & cleaning up garbage . . . . ! ! Posted by John headed for the wash , which is the usual place if someone gets out , because it 's impossible to actually " fence " across the wash effectively . No tracks & no Boaz . I went back in the feed room to mix feed & John ranged out further . It was getting dark , & since we didn 't know how long he 'd been out , no telling where he was . I got the feed mixed , John hadn 't come back , so I jumped in the golf cart to go out & see if I could see him from the road . As I got out to open the gate , here Boaz came trotting down the road . I opened the gate , he came in & started running & braying , guess he figured out he was missing dinner , ran in his pen , turned around & brayed at me like , " where 's my treat " ? Something killed our last guinea Friday night , just ate the head , which I think is the M . O . of a skunk . She was " mature " & slept on the ground rather than roosting up high . We always shut her & the 2 remaining old hens up every night , but whatever it was , pulled the chicken wire & staples loose to get in . John redid the wire & staples , so I hope it doesn 't get in again . Unfortunately if there is a weak spot in the wire , skunks or raccoons will find it . One of the hens sleeps in the nesting box , the other one goes up real high on a ledge . The one on the ledge is probably pretty safe , but the other one , is pretty vulnerable . Still doctoring Jenny 's foot , I think sometimes we go 1 step forward & 2 steps backwards , but she 's still interested in going out & doing her thing . Yesterday I cut off as much of the proud flesh as I was comfortable doing . John asked if he could help , but he has a weak stomach , when it comes to blood , & with proud flesh there is a massive amount of blood for the amount of cutting you do . When Dr . Nancy cut the proud flesh off Boaz 's knee , she of course cut every little bit she could find off . . . . . . . . . but . . . . . . . . . she also used a dehorning iron to cauterize it . That goes way beyond my " pay " grade . . . . . . ! ! ! I 'm not going there . . . . . . . ! ! ! ( G ) So I took off what I was comfortable doing , finally had to put a pressure bandage on it to stop the bleeding & left it on . I 'm suppose to soak her this morning , so I 'll see what it looks like when I unwrap it . Dr . Megan says she can deal with the proud flesh later , but we need to get the internal oozing under control . You think these two aren 't enjoying their " quality " time with Claire ? Here . . . they are just one of the herd . At Claire 's house , they " RULE " . . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! LOL Last night old crippled Pepper was at it again . He 's figured out if he tries to " woo " Cheyenne he might have a chance . She 's only 32 inches tall , so all it takes is walking over the top of her & go for it . . . . . . ! ! ! John wanted to take pictures , but I told him we don 't want to embarrass him , as if Pepper ever could be embarrassed . . . . . ! ! ! He 's going into this winter ( 19 degrees a couple of mornings this week ) with a little meat on his bones , & stepping out pretty good on his poor old broken hip & bad knee . So hopefully I won 't have to blanket him , which he hates , because he has to stay in the pens at night . Otherwise I have no idea where the blanket would end up in the brush . He 's only getting down occasionally . John 's getting good at rolling him over without having to use the ropes . Pepper just lays there & doesn 't try to fight , so John stands between his front & rear legs , ( you 'll notice I didn 't say Tish rolls him this way , I have better sense ) grabs all 4 legs & rolls him to his left side , & he usually pops right up . I have told John , although Pepper doesn 't fight & all that , standing between his legs like that isn 't a " REAL " good idea , but so far he 's gotten away with it . The other day John was very upset with Daisy , she stepped on his foot & wouldn 't pick it up . DUH . . . ! ! ! I asked John why he didn 't throw all his weight into her shoulder to off balance her ? John is great with the animals . . . . . . . . . . BUT . . . . . . I really believe it is much easier to work with large animals if you were raised with large animals . He grew up with 3 very long lived pets , a dog , cat & parakeet , while I ran the gamut , you name it , I probably had it . I might add opossums do NOT make good pets , raccoons are great fun , but destructive & crows are worse than a 2 year old child . I don 't want to jinx Jenny , but her foot seems to be doing better , since we 've been soaking every other day in epsoTish Steve a volunteer is coming out tomorrow to trim some of the trees . A few days ago John asked me to go around & mark which limbs I want gone , so I used bright colored plastic tape to make them . You can probably see where this story is going . We 're on poo watch to see if we can figure out who has developed a taste for plastic tape . John thinks it 's either Ruthie or the minis , Cheyenne in particular . It 's bright pink , so should be easy to find . Guess I 'll take Steve around & " show " him where to trim . LOL When I took the diaper off Jenny 's foot this morning after 2 days , it was pretty wet . Dr . Voss said to soak every 2 days & I thought leaving the diaper on would be OK . I can 't tell if the moisture is what the epsom salts & betadine is drawing out of the hoof , or build up from the foot being wrapped . It was never that damp when we were re - wrapping every 5 - 6 days , so hopefully it is the poultice doing it 's job . Talked to Dr . Megan & we decided that I 'll see what it looks like in the morning & if it 's still too damp , I 'll start changing the diaper twice a day . I 'm about out of the metronidazole , & the vet has to order it , guess they don 't keep a lot of it on hand . We 're just about out of options at this time . Dr . Voss told Dr . Megan that the only thing left would be another resection . I doubt that her foot would take it , & if there is infection in her foot , she doesn 't have much coffin bone left for them to remove . So I really hope this works . It was 20 degrees here this morning . We covered my tomato plants in the courtyard with a sheet , but a sheet was no match for 20 degrees . It 's a shame there is lots of green tomatoes on the pathetic looking plants . I 'll pull them out & prepare for next year I guess . Posted by Gus & Quilla are lucky to be in the Phoenix area I think . This morning at 6 : 11am the thermometer outside the bedroom registered a balmy 24 degrees . . . . . ! ! ! It projects on the ceiling above the bed & now that I can see without my glasses I can find out these little tidbits of information without asking or putting on my glasses . . . . . . . . . . ! ! ! YUCK . . . . . . . I think sometimes ignorance is bliss , who wants to get out of bed when it 's that cold . Of course it starts warming as soon as the sun comes up , so by the time we were done with chores we started shedding clothes . Heard from Chantilly 's new Mom . They let Lily out of her pen the next morning & Marsha said there were no fireworks , no snarky faces , not even a pinned ear , so that 's really good . I didn 't realize they hadn 't seen Chantilly 's face , she had on a fly mask when they come to visit , & had her mask on when we delivered her . Marsha said she 's got a beautiful face & she does , very delicate with big brown eyes . The black & white blob standing by the goat pen is Levi . Levi would like to get in the pen with the girl goats , but that 's not going to happen right now , so he is in with the horses & donkeys in about a 3 acre pen . Not that he goes anywhere except right by the " girl " pen , trying to figure out how to get in it . From my point of view he needs " brain " surgery , but I think Marsha wants some little goats eventually . Marsha told us that he likes to go up to the horses & Lily & rub his horns on their legs & sometimes gets his horns around their legs , which gets everyone 's attention . I guess he tried it on Chantilly , she spun around & sent him rolling about 2 or 3 rolls . Thad just happened to be watching . So far not only has he not tried it on Chantilly again , he 's leaving the others alone too , so Marsha thinks maybe it was a good thing . I 'm sure Levi didn 't think so . . . . . . ! ! ! ! LOL My husband John , and I have a small private sanctuary for donkeys that needed a better home & for one reason or another would not be adoptable under normal circumstances . Some of our donkeys have physical or emotional problems . Some are old , many have ongoing medical problems that need daily attention . Every day with the donkeys is a learning process for me , & I would like to share these wonderful creatures with anyone that is interested .
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The 50th birthday party in Skövde is big and lively . The hostess , who 's known by some as fearless and outgoing and by others as noisy and annoying , has arranged a rock ' n ' roll theme . There 's Jack Daniels on every table and you can serve yourself chilli con carne from a large tin . " Hi , great you could all make it . No goddamn speeches please , " she says in a broad dialect . But some guests still want to hold speeches and my stepmother is among them . It 's a rather moving speech about the strength of her sister and something about growing up under tough conditions and still surviving . The hostess isn 't interested and keeps interrupting with jokes and sighs . No haughty speeches are to be held by the sister from the city . Don 't people want to have fun and not hear about all this fuss ? I walk around with a HDV - camera zooming in my distant relatives . What can you see in the gaze of drunken people ? When the face relaxes and the eyes go blank it often looks like sorrow . My stepmother 's father 's half - brother has returned to Sweden and I 'd have liked to film him , but can 't find a reason to take out the camera . His name is Bengt . He 's got a strong face . A killer in a movie could 've had that face . Deeply seated , piercing eyes in a furrowed face . Grime and charismatic despite the horse shoe moustache . Bengt has lived in the Mediterranean for many years . He became a millionaire and lost everything . He travelled around Australia by motorcycle . And he 's been in the Hollywood film " Clash of the Titans " . He 's also worked as a chef , a publisher and he 's been homeless . Good stories . Speaking of stories , I have cousin in the same family , Robin . Robin is first - rate documentary material . He 's been in and out of different juvenile homes . If hasn 't been transferred he 's escaped . Things went wrong early on and he hasn 't been able to turn things around and now he 's got a son . He 's seventeen . As it turns out a couple of moths after the 50th birthday party , Robin is on his way to move in with Bengt . I imagine the following will happen ; it 'll be a rough journey filled with conflicts but eventually Bengt will become like a father to Robin and Robin will get back on track . While we see Robin struggle with school and different relations we find out more about Bengts hardships in life and the painful past he 's surely had . I would like to thank the Academy . . . " If Robin too down then there 's no film " . I 'd heard that Robin had been feeling bad for quite a while now . At the last institution where he was placed it was bad . He was put in isolation for several days , something that is completely against the regulations . Ever since he 's kept things within himself . I try to remember the last time I meet him ? I have a vague memory of a blonde little kid at a family get - together . The house is a mansion - like building , old and skewed . It 's a white house with the long wing sides of the building heading out into the overgrown garden . On the left , behind a fence , the dogs start barking when we approach . I catch a glimpse of a small heard of Cocker Spaniels in the mud . On the opposite side sheep bleat nervously . Bengt comes out waving at us where to put the car . Bengt 's got a wide body and even though he 's got a decent size stomach you can see that he 's strong . The muscles are still there even though not what they used to be . The woman Bengt lives with , Maja , turns out to be the complete opposite . She 's tall , skinny and at least a head taller than Bengt . Her heavy eyelids , wide mouth and high cheekbones are framed in by lank hair . She also has a furrowed face . The fact that she 's so thin makes her body language a bit girlish . She sits on a chair , legs pulled up under her chin . They 're like a wading bird and a badger . They 've put out coffee and cookies on a rustic chest that 's in the same room as the computers and a fireplace that heats up the bottom floor . We start a slight conversation and then Robin shows up in a cloud of Axe deodorant . He 's got broad shoulders for seventeen - year - old with a prison tattoo on his neck . Barely readable it says " Veni Vidi Vici " in blue ink . He moves like all hoodlums I 've known . Straddled , with a walk that swings back and forth . His shoulders and arms are flexed to give an impression and gain size . He has beautiful cheekbones , rich lips and very bright greyblue eyes . His smile doesn 't reach his eyes and he hardly blinks . There isn 't much movement in his face at all , except when he licks his lips , which does a lot . I think Bengt already now tells the story of how he met Maja ( and it 's a good story because Bengt is a great storyteller ) . 2005 Bengt was living in London where he worked for a publisher selling western newspapers to China . He met Maja through a dating site on the net and they got on straight away when e - mailing and chatting on the net . Soon they where speaking on the phone for hours . It took Bengt a few weeks to convince Maja to come and visit him . It was the first time Maja had been outside of Sweden in all her life . As soon as Maja arrived Bengt said they had to go out and get a beer at each stop along the Circle line . They both laugh at this memory . When the weekend was over Bengt thought that ; either they could decide to be together and then Bengt would move back to Sweden or just leave it at that and then they would never see each other again . They had known each other for less than two weeks . While Bengt tells the story I study Robin . His movements come in thrusts . It feels like he thinks before he makes a move . " Now I 'm getting a cookie " And then he get 's a cookie . Like the movements of an amateur actor ; mechanical and insecure . I think it must feel strange for him to sit here or maybe he 's just heard the story before . " The farm came later on , " Bengt tells us . Apparently the farm had been abandoned for years after the sisters who had inherited the place had a falling out about selling . Bengt convince them to sell it dirt - cheap . Now Robins starts talking a bit . He 's happy he and Bengt are buying studio equipment and are planning to start making beats . Bengt says " The sound will be more rock - oriented , " and Maja says " can 't you play that song you made when living at the home ? " Robin is ambivalent in the way you are when you 're worried what people might think but you still need the confirmation . He puts up a half - hearted resistance but then lets him self be persuaded . The track is Robin rapping in dialect over a dated beat . The flow may leave some things to wish for but it 's straight from the heart . The song is about Bengt , that Robin has come to live there and how he want 's to become a better person " You 've given me a chance and I 'm gonna take it " . My arms go all prickly and I think that there will be a film after all . " We can make a film that 's good for Robins career as a rapper , " says Bengt . I agree . He already has several ideas for what we could film . At the train station I get a bad feeling . Bengt 's late or maybe he thought I would get here later . He drives his Volvo extremely fast on the narrow road ( he always does this , it 'll turn out ) . When we pass speeding - cameras he lets go of the well and the gear stick and crosses his arms in front of his face so he wont get caught on film . When we arrive there 's fog and garbage burning outside . I think the smoke and the fog look great so I pick my camera straight away . When standing there , camera towards my chest , Robin comes out of the house and lights up a cigarette . When he sits down on a chair I turn the camera in that direction . Robin becomes even more less at ease than earlier . His gaze is fixed upon an undistinguishable point and he sits with his back completely straight . Bengt stands beside him , a bit lost , trying to start up a conversation . It 's a great shot with the fog and the drifting smoke in the foreground but with a complete lack of presence or real content . I shut the camera of and approach Robin but I 've already made a fool of myself . Robin doesn 't look at me but over my shoulder . His whole body is tense as before a fight or ready to flee . He 's going to hit me , I think . We shake hands and then Robin disappears into the house . It 's a lot messier than the last time I was there . I 'm filled with adrenaline but nowhere to do away with it . I feel an uneasy pressure in my chest and my legs just want to run . When I put my stuff down in the computer room I see Robin sitting in the dark in the next room . He 's sitting in a sofa in front of the TV that 's not switched . His face obscured by darkness . I mess about with my bag for a bit and the batteries for the camera . I go out into the kitchen where Bengt is preparing food and out into the yard and back in again . Robin is still in the exact same spot . I walk into the room and sit down in the other sofa . He doesn 't look at me . " They 've given him all possible diagnoses . It 's not true but he 's ashamed . He 's afraid he 'll come across as crazy or an idiot , " says Bengt . " I 've tried explaining to him that the film could be a good thing for him . He can show that he is functional , right ? That he can be a part of society . " Bengt makes exceptionally good food especially under these circumstances - the queasy taste of deep - frying fat is hidden by large amounts of barbecue spice and salt . Robin later tells me it 's the best food he 's ever eaten . Now he 's making a veggie burger , which he refuses to reveal content of , but it tastes fantastic . If you open the kitchen cupboards there are at least twenty different frying pans , most of them woks - at least as many knifes and two well used deep - frying pans . In a corner there 's a gigantic plastic container from which Bengt scoops up a glass of wine . " Not that bad , " I reply . It 's rather watery but not sour . " Good isn 't it ? This is how they make vino de la casa in Spain . " I get to bed in the computer room . The furnace quietly snaps and I stare up at the selling . The fire makes the air dry and thick and the smell gets into all your clothes . This I realize first when I get back home . I think I 'll have a hard time falling asleep but I do so almost immediately . Response shot Robin . Robin wets his lips . He looks at Bengt for a while , who 's up on the ladder , then he kicks at the ground for a bit . " I just though it seemed unnecessary for both of us to climb up that ladder " . Somehow he 's now even further from the camera . Bengt starts moving the ladders so he can put up the satellite dish in its right place . After a while Robin comes up and starts helping him . Together they climb up and put it in place . " Mom was out and fribbled together four of us , she kept no one at home , adopting away us all . I don 't know what the hell she was thinking . She sent me of to a foster home then she brought me back home and realize she didn 't want me , so she sent me of again and that 's how it went on . So that created a kind of anxiety within me , some sort insecurity . When you arrive in a new town , or at a new school you know you won 't be there for long but you still want to make friends so you seek out the ones that are the easiest to get and they aren 't always the best friends . I wasn 't more than eleven and a half , or twelve when I helped steal my first car and went on the run . I walk with Maja , as she takes the cocker spaniels for an evening walk . There 's a beautiful sunset and I film her when she tells me about her scooter accident that 's given her chronic back pain . She tells me the medicines make her tired and that certain days she 's to tired to do anything . But that 's how it is in life . Then the dogs start barking and chasing cows and Maja has her hands full . It 's beautiful , the sunset , the yellowed fields , and the dogs spinning around in the dry grass . The day after we visit the horse . It 's a trotter that 's going to be trained and hopefully will compete again . More or less ready for slaughter , after a leg injury , Bengt and Maja got to take care of it for almost no money and they truly believe they can bring it back . If Robin was uncomfortable when putting up the satellite dish it 's nothing compared to me being in the stable . As soon as I pick up the camera he leaves with a haunted look in his eyes . He stands outside smoking and after a while he goes and sits in the car . I take a wide shoot of Bengt chasing the horse in circles . After a while Bengt comes back with a large black garbage bag he throws in the back of the car . When we get back to the farm he sorts threw the content . There 's meat , old dairy products and vegetables with stains on them . Some are thrown away and some given to the animals . The best bits end up in the fridge or freezer . Both are already full of items marked " short date " . I never come to understand if it 's because they 're so poor or if it 's Bengts attitude to doing things . The same reason he 's always biding on bankruptcy auctions and looking for finds on different Internet sites . Bengt falls asleep in the sofa and Maja laughs and says , " Check this out . You should film this " . Soon after Bengt starts talking in his sleep . " First I didn 't understand but it 's Portuguese , " Maja laughs . I tape a couple of minutes when Maja ticles Bengts in the face with a feather . He twitches and yells in whatever language it is . When he wakes up I show him what I 've filmed on the cameras display . " Damn , that sure wasn 't nice of you " he says with dark eyes . He 's more than irritated , he seems down right angry . " What the hell . " I tell him I 'll erase it and that it was just a bit of fun . He doesn 't look at me , he just rolls his eyes with anger , so I excuse myself and go to the bathroom even though I don 't ' need to go . The same day I leave I ask if I can film Robin one on one . I didn 't think he 'd say yes but he doesn 't seem to care . We go for a walk and I film him on the way . He struggles in the wind in is thin white jacket , constantly smoking . Behind him a dead winter landscape under a dramatic grey sky with single red barns as the only splashes of color . " Everything came as a shock you know " , he says when I ask him about being apprehended by social services . " They came to my home you know … I can 't remember what was doing , I was sleeping I think and the social services came there and they said : we want to talk to you . So I went down to the living room and two policemen where sitting there who told me I was going to be apprehended . I couldn 't say much . It was hard . I was pissed of , and really mad but now I 'm thinking it was my fault . " Cut . Now there 's brush passing by . The microphone rustles from the wind . " We met at a rehab clinic and I sort of fell in love with her . But there was lots of hassle . We had fights . We where together for a few months , going back and fourth the whole time . Broke up and got back together and broke up and then she got pregnant . " Jumpcut . " I 've got to do things right this time . If I mess up I sort of feel like I 'm a bad dad . It motivates you to pull yourself together and get back on track . You know what I mean ? First when I found out she was pregnant I was mostly shocked . I thought " shit , is this really happening " but when you think about it you 've got to face up to it and just make the best of it . " The next time I visits it 's to film Robins 18th birthday party . This time I leave the camera in my bag when I arrive . Still the first thing I hear Robin say is : " I 'm not gonna be part of that fucking documentary " . Robins mother , Marie , has started calling and questioning the film . Bengt 's upset . He calls up Marie . " You can 't stand up for him being seen " . Bengt hangs up . Robin looks pale during the rest of the dinner and in front of the TV and then goes of to his room to be alone . We stay seated in front of CSI . Maja is obsessed with all the forensic science shows . She makes a delightful hum every time new evidence is brought forth , that may lead to the case being solved . Marie calls again during the day . She promises that she isn 't ashamed of Robin but Bengt keeps it short when he talks to her on the phone . I ask to talk to her . Marie thinks it 's unnecessary that the friends of Robins little brother find out about Robin . And , no , it 's hardly something she 's brought up at work . " But Bengt can convince anyone to do anything " she tells me . I answer her that Bengt only wants what 's best for Robin , that I only want what 's best for Robin . We don 't get started especially early on the day of the party and nothing 's ready . I feel stressed out for their sake and help with the cleaning and drying glasses in the bar . When Robin 's dad arrives we 've just finished putting up the colourful Christmas lamps that are part of the lighting . " Don 't film me I 'm a tax - dodger , " his dad says with a grin . He 's a wisecracker with nervous body language . Later I find out that the woman he 's together with now is a police officer . I hardly have any time for filming anyway . I 've got to help Bengt with the food or there is no party . We sweat in the kitchen and Bengt is grateful for me helping out and I 'm grateful to help out so I somehow I can deserve being here . Also I don 't have to sit by the table with all the relatives who don 't want to be part of the film . When everyone 's got his or her food Bengt brings out the guitar and that 's the only thing I film that evening . Bengt 's got a good voice and performs the song he wrote to Maja when they had just meet . I the refrain he sings : " I feel your soul " . The guests leave one by one , but Robin doesn 't feel he 's done with his party - he thinks it 's a damn shame everyone 's leaving . He drags me into the bar . He thinks we should hang out there . I 'm too tired to care and get rather drunk on the birthday whisky he 's been given . I say I 'd like to film him with his son and he answers : A couple of weeks later Robin disappears and doesn 't show up till the next day . He 's met a girl at school where he 's just started . Bengt is furious that he 's left without keeping in touch . By law he 's only allowed to be in school if he 's not under Bengts supervision . Robin 's asset to money , cigarettes and his freedom is put on hold . When I show up to film Robin he 's in bad mood and wants to be by himself . Maybe the trust I 've felt at the bar was merely imagined . It 's an unusually warm spring . Bengt 's got a friend who 's also named Bengt . The other Bengt is constantly under stress . He 's worked in a rodeo I Australia for years until his body couldn 't take it any more . Maybe that 's why he 's so nervous ? If that 's not it , it 's because his back is in such pain . The other Bengt moved back to Sweden a couple of years ago when he meet a Polish woman . His grown children live in Australia and she has no desire to go there to meet them . This also stresses the other Bengt . He chain smokes and sweats where he stands by the fundament of an outdoor grill , he 's helping Bengt build in the garden . To have something to do I film them in the spring sunlight , now that Robin seems to have disappeared within himself again . I waste a couple of tapes on what really won 't result in more than a couple of minutes . The cement 's finished . There 's only enough to make the foundation and it 's too expensive to buy more . The outdoor grill will become yet another unfinished project . Just like the building timber , meant to become a porch , stacked on the backside of the house or the old motorcycle without an engine , standing in a shed rusting away . One of Bengt 's better stories , I think we both agree , is about his years as a salesman in Mallorca and Portugal . He came there in the eighties and quickly managed to get into the business of selling apartments . This was a golden age and it was possible to make large amounts of money in a short time . Bengt sold for more than double what he bought for . An opportunity arose going in as an investor in an enormous apartment building project in Portugal . A small community was being built , that then would be split up and sold to wealthy Brits , Germans and Scandinavians . Everyone put in three million pounds each . Bengt had to borrow half of that , to bring up the money . Then he went of sailing and when he came back everything was gone . It had all been a swindle and the fraudsters had left with the money . What was worse was that Bengt now stood in debt more than a million pounds . He hadn 't borrowed the money from a bank . It was a loan from some shady characters with large amounts of money at hand . Setting up a payment plan wasn 't an option . Bengt sold all his watches , his car , his boat and his motorcycles . He wanted to sell his girlfriends jewellery as well , but she took of when she saw where things where heading . The money he got together wasn 't even close to enough . He went to the men he 'd borrowed the money from , gave them what he had and said : " This is all I have . Tell what you want me to do for you and I 'll do it " . They where nice . They let him live . Here the story usually ends when Bengt tells it . But I wonder what they made him do to pay of his debt ? I try to make Bengt tell the story on camera , but it just gets boring and drawn out . He thinks too much about how he formulate himself . I 've noticed that this happens when I 'm going to film him . He thinks too much about it and puts on a show . A couple of days pass and all I film is shit . Bengt at the vehicle inspection , Bengt with the animals , Bengt and Maja buying books , clothes and stuff at a unbelievably large department store . It 's placed in the middle of the forest and only sells surplus goods . Bengt and Robin messing about in front of the camera . With cloth covering they 're heads they pretend to be gangster rappers . All kinds of pictures of all the junk standing around the house . Spring light seen between birches and anemones . Pictures of sheep and of ducks . Bengt wants us to drink the last evening before I go back home . He pours up some of his homemade wine . I think that he 's the most entertaining after he 's drunk a few . He boasts and brags more then , but I think it 's wrong to film someone who 's been drinking . That would be breaking the trust . Bengt tells me about when the dogs started barking more than usual an evening about a year ago and how he 'd seen thieves , gypsies he tells me , trying to steal a lamb . " I never thought I 'd own a house and now that I do , this land is mine to defend and do what I want on " . Maja nods in agreement . And then Bengt wants to show me something in the shed . I go with him and wait by the door to a room that 's surprisingly large and filled with rusting junk . Bengt looks through a couple of toolboxes and finally finds what looks like a giant hunting knife . " Check this out . There 's a cartridge in the handle and if you pull it like this you can shot it like a pistol . Wanna try ? " I go home . On a hunch I watch " Clash of the Titans " . Bengt is nowhere to be seen . I think of what I 've shot . Is it possible to edit together something out of that at all ? Before I bring myself to go back it 's summer . Bengt has fallen and crushed his thumb so his whole arm is in bandages . I film him and Robin in the kitchen making food . Robins changed . He jokes a lot and for short moments he looks me in the eyes with an anxious teenage gaze and willingly talks about different stuff in front of the camera . Bengt has gotten him an apprenticeship at a firm that builds temporary stages for different events . Right now they 're working in Karlstad . One of the bands playing is The Harrowing Men , a folk rock band with Swedish lyrics that are big in Dalsland . Bengt knows one of the band members and insists that taping the concert is important . He pulls his arm towards himself and holds it like a baby . His eyes roll when he thinks about it . " Damn I 'd like this undone " " I 'll tell you the truth , I didn 't fall " . Now he 's decided to talk . " That 's just what I told people because … Robin was so damn stupid . I got so mad at him that I smashed my hand through the wall , where we 've got the rabbits . My thumb hit the spline , so that 's what crushed my thumb . I was so mad that either I 'd of hit Robin or hit the wall . My boundaries told me to hit the wall . So that 's what I did . " " Yes , if I 'd hit Robin I 'd really regret that . I really would . And with the force of that punch I would 've crushed him . I 'd never forgive myself for that . " " But how did you see you 're yourself when this was going on ? " I ask . My voice is unaffected , strangely enough . The camera makes me strong . " I don 't know . I 've never thought about it . If I look back at myself today , how I was then , I think it 's strange that I 'm still alive " , he says , laughs and gives me a mischievous smile behind his biker moustache . We stop at an isolated café by a lake and grab a cup of coffee on the way home from the hospital . I pick up my camera and film a long sequence when Bengt sits by the lake drinking his coffee . Above the willows are weeping . " I 'm thinking of when I used to live by the sea . I miss it . To live where there 's sun and warmth , near the water , " he says sadly and turns towards the lake . There 's a breeze that ruffles his hair and heightens the weeping of the willows . There 's a clip of Robin sneaking up on a rabbit with shovel . Bengt 's screams at him because he scares it of , but it 's not in that clip that Bengt gets hold of the rabbit . He manages to shot it first a couple of hours later . I stand at a distance and let the camera pan down towards the ground , even though Bengt 's told me to not film at all . I think he hits it with the third bullet . Robin starts cheering . Bengt immediately goes in to the kitchen and fetches a meat cleaver . " Get over here and I 'll show you how to butcher a rabbit " , he tells Robin . " You 've got to aim for the neck so the blood can pour out " . Robin grabs the axe . The first strike doesn 't go all the way through , so he does it again to get the head of and the guts spill out . I can feel my stomach turn . Bengt throws the head and intestines to the cocker spaniels . " Cheers Märtis , you want some , you want a little , little bit , here Märtis . No , she doesn 't want more beer … " Robin lifts the bowl he 's poured beer into , to the height of the cocker spaniels face . The dog starts lapping up the beer he 's poured from his can beer . " That 's good isn 't it , that 's good … " He stops talking as if to a baby : " I think that 's enough . She 's soon drunk half a can of strong beer . You 're a little drunk , just like me Märtis " He grins towards the camera , then laughs a bit embarrassed . Cut to . " Did you see where Märta went of to ? " Robin calls out for the dog . The camera wobbles past a roaster . Then she shows up , running out from the house . " Hey Märtis , " says Robin , while digging for a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of his short sleeved shirt . " What the hell she 's not drunk . " The dog jumps upon his leg . " Are you sober Märtis ? Do you want another beer ? You can notice she 's a bit tipsy . " " Okay Märta we 've had some trouble , " he can 't keep from laughing . " We 've had some trouble with this , me and Märta . She gets so damn angry when she 's hung - over . All complaining and moaning and shit . If you give her some water and tomato juice then it usually work better . Sometimes we go to the next village for a pizza . " After a while Märta throws up and then shamefully goes to bed . We 're on our way to Karlstad to film The Harrowing Men as promised . Bengt and Robin both drink heavily . I skip my principles and film them while they 're drunk in the crowd . The shots are nothing special , Bengt 's face is as red as his colourful shirt and he 's let his long hair out . He 's got his arm around Robin , who all of a sudden reminds me of a yapping dog . Without true involvement I dutifully film the band from a dead boring angle and then I put away the camera for good . When we get home Bengts legs won 't carry him . He 's more than drunk - actually he 's completely wasted . Maybe there 's something left of those strong painkillers he 's been eating for his thumb , even though he 's not taken the pills today . Maybe he 's just had to many beers . Me , Maja and Robin , who 've gotten a lift from Karlstad , we together try to get Bengt up the stairs . He 's heavy and limp and in the hall one of us trips and Bengt falls head first to the ground . With a bang he hits the floorboards . We finally get him in to the living room and from there on Maja want to take him the last bit herself . Her slender body patiently supports his heavy frame . Robin doesn 't want to stop partying . He 's got whisky left from his birthday at the bar that he pours up in a beer glass . He wants to talk about slaughtering the rabbit . " It 's the grossest thing I 've ever been part of . A lot worse than when I was part of that manslaughter . " What manslaughter ? I though Robin had " only " been sentenced for assault and in drug related matters . But manslaughter ? Robin tells me he took part in starting a fight , which resulted in a guy dying from the injuries . " Have you been with older women ? " he wants to know . Robin tells me about the first time he came to the farm . That 's when he was on the run . Bengt had heard about it from Marie and called and asked him to come . Bengts former girlfriend from London had been there celebrating midsummers eve . They 'd drunk wine and then Bengts twenty - five years older , former girlfriend had taken Robins seventeen - year - old hand and they 'd gone of and had sex with each other . One night in September Marie calls and tells me Robins run of . He 's at a home for juvenile delinquents . Apparently he 's tried to get the social services to get him out of the farm but they 've refused , so now he 's run of and shown up at this home , where he 's been placed before . I get a number where I can reach him and I call him up straight way . An unknown man answers the phone and I tell him I 'm Robins cousin and ask if I can speak with him . Robin 's calm when he comes to the phone . He says Bengt 's went crazy and that he once took a stranglehold on him and another time he pushed him down the stairs . It 's a bit incoherent but it seems like alcohol was involved both times and then there 's something about what Robin 's said to Maja . After Robin 's left Bengt been furious . He gets the social services on his side and they immediately want Robin back at the farm , but Robin refuses . Bengt even calls Marie and threatens that if Robin doesn 't come back he 'll take back the dog Maja has given her . After a while I realize that with Robin came money from the social services , money that has now disappeared , money that Bengt was constantly calling and trying to get more of . The only money coming to the farm now is Maja insurance money . I try calling Bengt once but he doesn 't answer and I think I probably won 't try again . I 've already interfered enough as it is . After a couple of weeks Bengt stops contacting the social services and Marie . A couple of months later Robin 's back in a closed institution . He 's been acting threateningly at the home , they say . He 's also been tested positive for cannabis and the social services in Karlstad have decided to put him away indefinitely , again . It 's winter and frosty when I go to visit him in the small house where he now lives behind closed gates . The boys who live there aren 't even allowed out to smoke . They are only outdoors when they 're moved back and forth from the gym . Robin 's just been given his own room - it 's been full so he 's spent the first weeks living in a visitors room where everyone could see in and he couldn 't be by himself at all . He 's still alive and smiling though . He 's gotten new tattoos and he hair is close - cropped . He 's also lost a few pounds , now that he 's no longer eating Bengts food . He 's mostly worried that he 's missed the start of term at the Health Care Programme where he was going to start . " But you change " , he says , " You have to change when you end up at a place like this , you have to be hard . And then it 's difficult not to be hard " . He 's says he wishes he could go to prison instead . There the sentence is a sett time and you can serve your time and then you 're free . We talk about Bengt and Maja , mostly fun memories . We talk about the way Bengt would get sometimes and how obsessed Maja was with CSI . Robin seems to feel it 's sad that Bengt 's turned violent . But I notice no bitterness from him for what 's happened .
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The 50th birthday party in Skövde is big and lively . The hostess , who 's known by some as fearless and outgoing and by others as noisy and annoying , has arranged a rock ' n ' roll theme . There 's Jack Daniels on every table and you can serve yourself chilli con carne from a large tin . " Hi , great you could all make it . No goddamn speeches please , " she says in a broad dialect . But some guests still want to hold speeches and my stepmother is among them . It 's a rather moving speech about the strength of her sister and something about growing up under tough conditions and still surviving . The hostess isn 't interested and keeps interrupting with jokes and sighs . No haughty speeches are to be held by the sister from the city . Don 't people want to have fun and not hear about all this fuss ? I walk around with a HDV - camera zooming in my distant relatives . What can you see in the gaze of drunken people ? When the face relaxes and the eyes go blank it often looks like sorrow . My stepmother 's father 's half - brother has returned to Sweden and I 'd have liked to film him , but can 't find a reason to take out the camera . His name is Bengt . He 's got a strong face . A killer in a movie could 've had that face . Deeply seated , piercing eyes in a furrowed face . Grime and charismatic despite the horse shoe moustache . Bengt has lived in the Mediterranean for many years . He became a millionaire and lost everything . He travelled around Australia by motorcycle . And he 's been in the Hollywood film " Clash of the Titans " . He 's also worked as a chef , a publisher and he 's been homeless . Good stories . Speaking of stories , I have cousin in the same family , Robin . Robin is first - rate documentary material . He 's been in and out of different juvenile homes . If hasn 't been transferred he 's escaped . Things went wrong early on and he hasn 't been able to turn things around and now he 's got a son . He 's seventeen . As it turns out a couple of moths after the 50th birthday party , Robin is on his way to move in with Bengt . I imagine the following will happen ; it 'll be a rough journey filled with conflicts but eventually Bengt will become like a father to Robin and Robin will get back on track . While we see Robin struggle with school and different relations we find out more about Bengts hardships in life and the painful past he 's surely had . I would like to thank the Academy . . . " If Robin too down then there 's no film " . I 'd heard that Robin had been feeling bad for quite a while now . At the last institution where he was placed it was bad . He was put in isolation for several days , something that is completely against the regulations . Ever since he 's kept things within himself . I try to remember the last time I meet him ? I have a vague memory of a blonde little kid at a family get - together . The house is a mansion - like building , old and skewed . It 's a white house with the long wing sides of the building heading out into the overgrown garden . On the left , behind a fence , the dogs start barking when we approach . I catch a glimpse of a small heard of Cocker Spaniels in the mud . On the opposite side sheep bleat nervously . Bengt comes out waving at us where to put the car . Bengt 's got a wide body and even though he 's got a decent size stomach you can see that he 's strong . The muscles are still there even though not what they used to be . The woman Bengt lives with , Maja , turns out to be the complete opposite . She 's tall , skinny and at least a head taller than Bengt . Her heavy eyelids , wide mouth and high cheekbones are framed in by lank hair . She also has a furrowed face . The fact that she 's so thin makes her body language a bit girlish . She sits on a chair , legs pulled up under her chin . They 're like a wading bird and a badger . They 've put out coffee and cookies on a rustic chest that 's in the same room as the computers and a fireplace that heats up the bottom floor . We start a slight conversation and then Robin shows up in a cloud of Axe deodorant . He 's got broad shoulders for seventeen - year - old with a prison tattoo on his neck . Barely readable it says " Veni Vidi Vici " in blue ink . He moves like all hoodlums I 've known . Straddled , with a walk that swings back and forth . His shoulders and arms are flexed to give an impression and gain size . He has beautiful cheekbones , rich lips and very bright greyblue eyes . His smile doesn 't reach his eyes and he hardly blinks . There isn 't much movement in his face at all , except when he licks his lips , which does a lot . I think Bengt already now tells the story of how he met Maja ( and it 's a good story because Bengt is a great storyteller ) . 2005 Bengt was living in London where he worked for a publisher selling western newspapers to China . He met Maja through a dating site on the net and they got on straight away when e - mailing and chatting on the net . Soon they where speaking on the phone for hours . It took Bengt a few weeks to convince Maja to come and visit him . It was the first time Maja had been outside of Sweden in all her life . As soon as Maja arrived Bengt said they had to go out and get a beer at each stop along the Circle line . They both laugh at this memory . When the weekend was over Bengt thought that ; either they could decide to be together and then Bengt would move back to Sweden or just leave it at that and then they would never see each other again . They had known each other for less than two weeks . While Bengt tells the story I study Robin . His movements come in thrusts . It feels like he thinks before he makes a move . " Now I 'm getting a cookie " And then he get 's a cookie . Like the movements of an amateur actor ; mechanical and insecure . I think it must feel strange for him to sit here or maybe he 's just heard the story before . " The farm came later on , " Bengt tells us . Apparently the farm had been abandoned for years after the sisters who had inherited the place had a falling out about selling . Bengt convince them to sell it dirt - cheap . Now Robins starts talking a bit . He 's happy he and Bengt are buying studio equipment and are planning to start making beats . Bengt says " The sound will be more rock - oriented , " and Maja says " can 't you play that song you made when living at the home ? " Robin is ambivalent in the way you are when you 're worried what people might think but you still need the confirmation . He puts up a half - hearted resistance but then lets him self be persuaded . The track is Robin rapping in dialect over a dated beat . The flow may leave some things to wish for but it 's straight from the heart . The song is about Bengt , that Robin has come to live there and how he want 's to become a better person " You 've given me a chance and I 'm gonna take it " . My arms go all prickly and I think that there will be a film after all . " We can make a film that 's good for Robins career as a rapper , " says Bengt . I agree . He already has several ideas for what we could film . At the train station I get a bad feeling . Bengt 's late or maybe he thought I would get here later . He drives his Volvo extremely fast on the narrow road ( he always does this , it 'll turn out ) . When we pass speeding - cameras he lets go of the well and the gear stick and crosses his arms in front of his face so he wont get caught on film . When we arrive there 's fog and garbage burning outside . I think the smoke and the fog look great so I pick my camera straight away . When standing there , camera towards my chest , Robin comes out of the house and lights up a cigarette . When he sits down on a chair I turn the camera in that direction . Robin becomes even more less at ease than earlier . His gaze is fixed upon an undistinguishable point and he sits with his back completely straight . Bengt stands beside him , a bit lost , trying to start up a conversation . It 's a great shot with the fog and the drifting smoke in the foreground but with a complete lack of presence or real content . I shut the camera of and approach Robin but I 've already made a fool of myself . Robin doesn 't look at me but over my shoulder . His whole body is tense as before a fight or ready to flee . He 's going to hit me , I think . We shake hands and then Robin disappears into the house . It 's a lot messier than the last time I was there . I 'm filled with adrenaline but nowhere to do away with it . I feel an uneasy pressure in my chest and my legs just want to run . When I put my stuff down in the computer room I see Robin sitting in the dark in the next room . He 's sitting in a sofa in front of the TV that 's not switched . His face obscured by darkness . I mess about with my bag for a bit and the batteries for the camera . I go out into the kitchen where Bengt is preparing food and out into the yard and back in again . Robin is still in the exact same spot . I walk into the room and sit down in the other sofa . He doesn 't look at me . " They 've given him all possible diagnoses . It 's not true but he 's ashamed . He 's afraid he 'll come across as crazy or an idiot , " says Bengt . " I 've tried explaining to him that the film could be a good thing for him . He can show that he is functional , right ? That he can be a part of society . " Bengt makes exceptionally good food especially under these circumstances - the queasy taste of deep - frying fat is hidden by large amounts of barbecue spice and salt . Robin later tells me it 's the best food he 's ever eaten . Now he 's making a veggie burger , which he refuses to reveal content of , but it tastes fantastic . If you open the kitchen cupboards there are at least twenty different frying pans , most of them woks - at least as many knifes and two well used deep - frying pans . In a corner there 's a gigantic plastic container from which Bengt scoops up a glass of wine . " Not that bad , " I reply . It 's rather watery but not sour . " Good isn 't it ? This is how they make vino de la casa in Spain . " I get to bed in the computer room . The furnace quietly snaps and I stare up at the selling . The fire makes the air dry and thick and the smell gets into all your clothes . This I realize first when I get back home . I think I 'll have a hard time falling asleep but I do so almost immediately . Response shot Robin . Robin wets his lips . He looks at Bengt for a while , who 's up on the ladder , then he kicks at the ground for a bit . " I just though it seemed unnecessary for both of us to climb up that ladder " . Somehow he 's now even further from the camera . Bengt starts moving the ladders so he can put up the satellite dish in its right place . After a while Robin comes up and starts helping him . Together they climb up and put it in place . " Mom was out and fribbled together four of us , she kept no one at home , adopting away us all . I don 't know what the hell she was thinking . She sent me of to a foster home then she brought me back home and realize she didn 't want me , so she sent me of again and that 's how it went on . So that created a kind of anxiety within me , some sort insecurity . When you arrive in a new town , or at a new school you know you won 't be there for long but you still want to make friends so you seek out the ones that are the easiest to get and they aren 't always the best friends . I wasn 't more than eleven and a half , or twelve when I helped steal my first car and went on the run . I walk with Maja , as she takes the cocker spaniels for an evening walk . There 's a beautiful sunset and I film her when she tells me about her scooter accident that 's given her chronic back pain . She tells me the medicines make her tired and that certain days she 's to tired to do anything . But that 's how it is in life . Then the dogs start barking and chasing cows and Maja has her hands full . It 's beautiful , the sunset , the yellowed fields , and the dogs spinning around in the dry grass . The day after we visit the horse . It 's a trotter that 's going to be trained and hopefully will compete again . More or less ready for slaughter , after a leg injury , Bengt and Maja got to take care of it for almost no money and they truly believe they can bring it back . If Robin was uncomfortable when putting up the satellite dish it 's nothing compared to me being in the stable . As soon as I pick up the camera he leaves with a haunted look in his eyes . He stands outside smoking and after a while he goes and sits in the car . I take a wide shoot of Bengt chasing the horse in circles . After a while Bengt comes back with a large black garbage bag he throws in the back of the car . When we get back to the farm he sorts threw the content . There 's meat , old dairy products and vegetables with stains on them . Some are thrown away and some given to the animals . The best bits end up in the fridge or freezer . Both are already full of items marked " short date " . I never come to understand if it 's because they 're so poor or if it 's Bengts attitude to doing things . The same reason he 's always biding on bankruptcy auctions and looking for finds on different Internet sites . Bengt falls asleep in the sofa and Maja laughs and says , " Check this out . You should film this " . Soon after Bengt starts talking in his sleep . " First I didn 't understand but it 's Portuguese , " Maja laughs . I tape a couple of minutes when Maja ticles Bengts in the face with a feather . He twitches and yells in whatever language it is . When he wakes up I show him what I 've filmed on the cameras display . " Damn , that sure wasn 't nice of you " he says with dark eyes . He 's more than irritated , he seems down right angry . " What the hell . " I tell him I 'll erase it and that it was just a bit of fun . He doesn 't look at me , he just rolls his eyes with anger , so I excuse myself and go to the bathroom even though I don 't ' need to go . The same day I leave I ask if I can film Robin one on one . I didn 't think he 'd say yes but he doesn 't seem to care . We go for a walk and I film him on the way . He struggles in the wind in is thin white jacket , constantly smoking . Behind him a dead winter landscape under a dramatic grey sky with single red barns as the only splashes of color . " Everything came as a shock you know " , he says when I ask him about being apprehended by social services . " They came to my home you know … I can 't remember what was doing , I was sleeping I think and the social services came there and they said : we want to talk to you . So I went down to the living room and two policemen where sitting there who told me I was going to be apprehended . I couldn 't say much . It was hard . I was pissed of , and really mad but now I 'm thinking it was my fault . " Cut . Now there 's brush passing by . The microphone rustles from the wind . " We met at a rehab clinic and I sort of fell in love with her . But there was lots of hassle . We had fights . We where together for a few months , going back and fourth the whole time . Broke up and got back together and broke up and then she got pregnant . " Jumpcut . " I 've got to do things right this time . If I mess up I sort of feel like I 'm a bad dad . It motivates you to pull yourself together and get back on track . You know what I mean ? First when I found out she was pregnant I was mostly shocked . I thought " shit , is this really happening " but when you think about it you 've got to face up to it and just make the best of it . " The next time I visits it 's to film Robins 18th birthday party . This time I leave the camera in my bag when I arrive . Still the first thing I hear Robin say is : " I 'm not gonna be part of that fucking documentary " . Robins mother , Marie , has started calling and questioning the film . Bengt 's upset . He calls up Marie . " You can 't stand up for him being seen " . Bengt hangs up . Robin looks pale during the rest of the dinner and in front of the TV and then goes of to his room to be alone . We stay seated in front of CSI . Maja is obsessed with all the forensic science shows . She makes a delightful hum every time new evidence is brought forth , that may lead to the case being solved . Marie calls again during the day . She promises that she isn 't ashamed of Robin but Bengt keeps it short when he talks to her on the phone . I ask to talk to her . Marie thinks it 's unnecessary that the friends of Robins little brother find out about Robin . And , no , it 's hardly something she 's brought up at work . " But Bengt can convince anyone to do anything " she tells me . I answer her that Bengt only wants what 's best for Robin , that I only want what 's best for Robin . We don 't get started especially early on the day of the party and nothing 's ready . I feel stressed out for their sake and help with the cleaning and drying glasses in the bar . When Robin 's dad arrives we 've just finished putting up the colourful Christmas lamps that are part of the lighting . " Don 't film me I 'm a tax - dodger , " his dad says with a grin . He 's a wisecracker with nervous body language . Later I find out that the woman he 's together with now is a police officer . I hardly have any time for filming anyway . I 've got to help Bengt with the food or there is no party . We sweat in the kitchen and Bengt is grateful for me helping out and I 'm grateful to help out so I somehow I can deserve being here . Also I don 't have to sit by the table with all the relatives who don 't want to be part of the film . When everyone 's got his or her food Bengt brings out the guitar and that 's the only thing I film that evening . Bengt 's got a good voice and performs the song he wrote to Maja when they had just meet . I the refrain he sings : " I feel your soul " . The guests leave one by one , but Robin doesn 't feel he 's done with his party - he thinks it 's a damn shame everyone 's leaving . He drags me into the bar . He thinks we should hang out there . I 'm too tired to care and get rather drunk on the birthday whisky he 's been given . I say I 'd like to film him with his son and he answers : A couple of weeks later Robin disappears and doesn 't show up till the next day . He 's met a girl at school where he 's just started . Bengt is furious that he 's left without keeping in touch . By law he 's only allowed to be in school if he 's not under Bengts supervision . Robin 's asset to money , cigarettes and his freedom is put on hold . When I show up to film Robin he 's in bad mood and wants to be by himself . Maybe the trust I 've felt at the bar was merely imagined . It 's an unusually warm spring . Bengt 's got a friend who 's also named Bengt . The other Bengt is constantly under stress . He 's worked in a rodeo I Australia for years until his body couldn 't take it any more . Maybe that 's why he 's so nervous ? If that 's not it , it 's because his back is in such pain . The other Bengt moved back to Sweden a couple of years ago when he meet a Polish woman . His grown children live in Australia and she has no desire to go there to meet them . This also stresses the other Bengt . He chain smokes and sweats where he stands by the fundament of an outdoor grill , he 's helping Bengt build in the garden . To have something to do I film them in the spring sunlight , now that Robin seems to have disappeared within himself again . I waste a couple of tapes on what really won 't result in more than a couple of minutes . The cement 's finished . There 's only enough to make the foundation and it 's too expensive to buy more . The outdoor grill will become yet another unfinished project . Just like the building timber , meant to become a porch , stacked on the backside of the house or the old motorcycle without an engine , standing in a shed rusting away . One of Bengt 's better stories , I think we both agree , is about his years as a salesman in Mallorca and Portugal . He came there in the eighties and quickly managed to get into the business of selling apartments . This was a golden age and it was possible to make large amounts of money in a short time . Bengt sold for more than double what he bought for . An opportunity arose going in as an investor in an enormous apartment building project in Portugal . A small community was being built , that then would be split up and sold to wealthy Brits , Germans and Scandinavians . Everyone put in three million pounds each . Bengt had to borrow half of that , to bring up the money . Then he went of sailing and when he came back everything was gone . It had all been a swindle and the fraudsters had left with the money . What was worse was that Bengt now stood in debt more than a million pounds . He hadn 't borrowed the money from a bank . It was a loan from some shady characters with large amounts of money at hand . Setting up a payment plan wasn 't an option . Bengt sold all his watches , his car , his boat and his motorcycles . He wanted to sell his girlfriends jewellery as well , but she took of when she saw where things where heading . The money he got together wasn 't even close to enough . He went to the men he 'd borrowed the money from , gave them what he had and said : " This is all I have . Tell what you want me to do for you and I 'll do it " . They where nice . They let him live . Here the story usually ends when Bengt tells it . But I wonder what they made him do to pay of his debt ? I try to make Bengt tell the story on camera , but it just gets boring and drawn out . He thinks too much about how he formulate himself . I 've noticed that this happens when I 'm going to film him . He thinks too much about it and puts on a show . A couple of days pass and all I film is shit . Bengt at the vehicle inspection , Bengt with the animals , Bengt and Maja buying books , clothes and stuff at a unbelievably large department store . It 's placed in the middle of the forest and only sells surplus goods . Bengt and Robin messing about in front of the camera . With cloth covering they 're heads they pretend to be gangster rappers . All kinds of pictures of all the junk standing around the house . Spring light seen between birches and anemones . Pictures of sheep and of ducks . Bengt wants us to drink the last evening before I go back home . He pours up some of his homemade wine . I think that he 's the most entertaining after he 's drunk a few . He boasts and brags more then , but I think it 's wrong to film someone who 's been drinking . That would be breaking the trust . Bengt tells me about when the dogs started barking more than usual an evening about a year ago and how he 'd seen thieves , gypsies he tells me , trying to steal a lamb . " I never thought I 'd own a house and now that I do , this land is mine to defend and do what I want on " . Maja nods in agreement . And then Bengt wants to show me something in the shed . I go with him and wait by the door to a room that 's surprisingly large and filled with rusting junk . Bengt looks through a couple of toolboxes and finally finds what looks like a giant hunting knife . " Check this out . There 's a cartridge in the handle and if you pull it like this you can shot it like a pistol . Wanna try ? " I go home . On a hunch I watch " Clash of the Titans " . Bengt is nowhere to be seen . I think of what I 've shot . Is it possible to edit together something out of that at all ? Before I bring myself to go back it 's summer . Bengt has fallen and crushed his thumb so his whole arm is in bandages . I film him and Robin in the kitchen making food . Robins changed . He jokes a lot and for short moments he looks me in the eyes with an anxious teenage gaze and willingly talks about different stuff in front of the camera . Bengt has gotten him an apprenticeship at a firm that builds temporary stages for different events . Right now they 're working in Karlstad . One of the bands playing is The Harrowing Men , a folk rock band with Swedish lyrics that are big in Dalsland . Bengt knows one of the band members and insists that taping the concert is important . He pulls his arm towards himself and holds it like a baby . His eyes roll when he thinks about it . " Damn I 'd like this undone " " I 'll tell you the truth , I didn 't fall " . Now he 's decided to talk . " That 's just what I told people because … Robin was so damn stupid . I got so mad at him that I smashed my hand through the wall , where we 've got the rabbits . My thumb hit the spline , so that 's what crushed my thumb . I was so mad that either I 'd of hit Robin or hit the wall . My boundaries told me to hit the wall . So that 's what I did . " " Yes , if I 'd hit Robin I 'd really regret that . I really would . And with the force of that punch I would 've crushed him . I 'd never forgive myself for that . " " But how did you see you 're yourself when this was going on ? " I ask . My voice is unaffected , strangely enough . The camera makes me strong . " I don 't know . I 've never thought about it . If I look back at myself today , how I was then , I think it 's strange that I 'm still alive " , he says , laughs and gives me a mischievous smile behind his biker moustache . We stop at an isolated café by a lake and grab a cup of coffee on the way home from the hospital . I pick up my camera and film a long sequence when Bengt sits by the lake drinking his coffee . Above the willows are weeping . " I 'm thinking of when I used to live by the sea . I miss it . To live where there 's sun and warmth , near the water , " he says sadly and turns towards the lake . There 's a breeze that ruffles his hair and heightens the weeping of the willows . There 's a clip of Robin sneaking up on a rabbit with shovel . Bengt 's screams at him because he scares it of , but it 's not in that clip that Bengt gets hold of the rabbit . He manages to shot it first a couple of hours later . I stand at a distance and let the camera pan down towards the ground , even though Bengt 's told me to not film at all . I think he hits it with the third bullet . Robin starts cheering . Bengt immediately goes in to the kitchen and fetches a meat cleaver . " Get over here and I 'll show you how to butcher a rabbit " , he tells Robin . " You 've got to aim for the neck so the blood can pour out " . Robin grabs the axe . The first strike doesn 't go all the way through , so he does it again to get the head of and the guts spill out . I can feel my stomach turn . Bengt throws the head and intestines to the cocker spaniels . " Cheers Märtis , you want some , you want a little , little bit , here Märtis . No , she doesn 't want more beer … " Robin lifts the bowl he 's poured beer into , to the height of the cocker spaniels face . The dog starts lapping up the beer he 's poured from his can beer . " That 's good isn 't it , that 's good … " He stops talking as if to a baby : " I think that 's enough . She 's soon drunk half a can of strong beer . You 're a little drunk , just like me Märtis " He grins towards the camera , then laughs a bit embarrassed . Cut to . " Did you see where Märta went of to ? " Robin calls out for the dog . The camera wobbles past a roaster . Then she shows up , running out from the house . " Hey Märtis , " says Robin , while digging for a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of his short sleeved shirt . " What the hell she 's not drunk . " The dog jumps upon his leg . " Are you sober Märtis ? Do you want another beer ? You can notice she 's a bit tipsy . " " Okay Märta we 've had some trouble , " he can 't keep from laughing . " We 've had some trouble with this , me and Märta . She gets so damn angry when she 's hung - over . All complaining and moaning and shit . If you give her some water and tomato juice then it usually work better . Sometimes we go to the next village for a pizza . " After a while Märta throws up and then shamefully goes to bed . We 're on our way to Karlstad to film The Harrowing Men as promised . Bengt and Robin both drink heavily . I skip my principles and film them while they 're drunk in the crowd . The shots are nothing special , Bengt 's face is as red as his colourful shirt and he 's let his long hair out . He 's got his arm around Robin , who all of a sudden reminds me of a yapping dog . Without true involvement I dutifully film the band from a dead boring angle and then I put away the camera for good . When we get home Bengts legs won 't carry him . He 's more than drunk - actually he 's completely wasted . Maybe there 's something left of those strong painkillers he 's been eating for his thumb , even though he 's not taken the pills today . Maybe he 's just had to many beers . Me , Maja and Robin , who 've gotten a lift from Karlstad , we together try to get Bengt up the stairs . He 's heavy and limp and in the hall one of us trips and Bengt falls head first to the ground . With a bang he hits the floorboards . We finally get him in to the living room and from there on Maja want to take him the last bit herself . Her slender body patiently supports his heavy frame . Robin doesn 't want to stop partying . He 's got whisky left from his birthday at the bar that he pours up in a beer glass . He wants to talk about slaughtering the rabbit . " It 's the grossest thing I 've ever been part of . A lot worse than when I was part of that manslaughter . " What manslaughter ? I though Robin had " only " been sentenced for assault and in drug related matters . But manslaughter ? Robin tells me he took part in starting a fight , which resulted in a guy dying from the injuries . " Have you been with older women ? " he wants to know . Robin tells me about the first time he came to the farm . That 's when he was on the run . Bengt had heard about it from Marie and called and asked him to come . Bengts former girlfriend from London had been there celebrating midsummers eve . They 'd drunk wine and then Bengts twenty - five years older , former girlfriend had taken Robins seventeen - year - old hand and they 'd gone of and had sex with each other . One night in September Marie calls and tells me Robins run of . He 's at a home for juvenile delinquents . Apparently he 's tried to get the social services to get him out of the farm but they 've refused , so now he 's run of and shown up at this home , where he 's been placed before . I get a number where I can reach him and I call him up straight way . An unknown man answers the phone and I tell him I 'm Robins cousin and ask if I can speak with him . Robin 's calm when he comes to the phone . He says Bengt 's went crazy and that he once took a stranglehold on him and another time he pushed him down the stairs . It 's a bit incoherent but it seems like alcohol was involved both times and then there 's something about what Robin 's said to Maja . After Robin 's left Bengt been furious . He gets the social services on his side and they immediately want Robin back at the farm , but Robin refuses . Bengt even calls Marie and threatens that if Robin doesn 't come back he 'll take back the dog Maja has given her . After a while I realize that with Robin came money from the social services , money that has now disappeared , money that Bengt was constantly calling and trying to get more of . The only money coming to the farm now is Maja insurance money . I try calling Bengt once but he doesn 't answer and I think I probably won 't try again . I 've already interfered enough as it is . After a couple of weeks Bengt stops contacting the social services and Marie . A couple of months later Robin 's back in a closed institution . He 's been acting threateningly at the home , they say . He 's also been tested positive for cannabis and the social services in Karlstad have decided to put him away indefinitely , again . It 's winter and frosty when I go to visit him in the small house where he now lives behind closed gates . The boys who live there aren 't even allowed out to smoke . They are only outdoors when they 're moved back and forth from the gym . Robin 's just been given his own room - it 's been full so he 's spent the first weeks living in a visitors room where everyone could see in and he couldn 't be by himself at all . He 's still alive and smiling though . He 's gotten new tattoos and he hair is close - cropped . He 's also lost a few pounds , now that he 's no longer eating Bengts food . He 's mostly worried that he 's missed the start of term at the Health Care Programme where he was going to start . " But you change " , he says , " You have to change when you end up at a place like this , you have to be hard . And then it 's difficult not to be hard " . He 's says he wishes he could go to prison instead . There the sentence is a sett time and you can serve your time and then you 're free . We talk about Bengt and Maja , mostly fun memories . We talk about the way Bengt would get sometimes and how obsessed Maja was with CSI . Robin seems to feel it 's sad that Bengt 's turned violent . But I notice no bitterness from him for what 's happened .
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My name is Katherine , Katie to my friends . I 'm a PA to a senior director of a large corporation , and have been for many years now . I began as a humble secretary after finishing secretarial college when I was twenty . There was a fateful day in my life when everything seemed to change . It was a Saturday afternoon , and I was shopping for a new pair of shoes for a party . I stepped backwards away from a rack in a shoe store , and I quite literally bumped into another shopper , doing exactly the same . We both turned around to apologise , the way you do , and I noticed that the other shopper was an attractive girl in her mid to late teens . You often can 't tell how old a teenage girl is ; due to the effect make - up has on her facial features . I was buying alcohol and getting into eighteen rated films by the time I was fifteen . Unusually for me I got talking to the girl in the store , and we talked about fashions , make - ups , and other ' girlie ' things . The store was crowded so it took us a while to get served , and I suggested that the two of us get some lunch , simply because I was feeling hungry ; I wasn 't trying to pick the girl up ; girls weren 't my thing . I was no cheap slapper , unlike some of my friends from secretarial college who would shag anything in a pair of trousers , but I liked to think that I was a red - blooded man eater . During the conversation , we introduced ourselves to the other . Her name was Joanna , and she worked in the fast - food bar that was just along the corridor , but she wasn 't particularly happy with the job . She was a little over sixteen and a half , and quite talkative . Although I don 't usually give away my phone numbers to strangers , there was something about Joanna that made me trust her , so we traded phone numbers and arranged to meet up the following weekend , for lunch , after Joanna finished her shift . We duly met up , and we got on like a house on fire , despite the age difference between us . One evening , a couple of weeks later , my phone rang , at home , as I was getting all dolled up to go out , and it was Joanna . She 'd had a bust - up at work with a colleague , and had been suspended . She was upset and wanted someone to talk to . I was scheduled to go out with a few friends from secretarial college in less than an hour , so I invited Joanna to join us for a drink . I didn 't know why she 'd picked me to talk to ; perhaps because I was many years older than she was , and I seemed worldly wise by comparison , which I suppose I was . However , if anyone had said that to me , I 'd probably have taken it quite badly . It would have made me sound as if I was getting old , and at twenty - five , nearly twenty - six , I didn 't class myself as getting old . I directed my taxi driver to Joanna 's place and picked her up , then I took her to the bar where I always met up with the girls , and during the evening , she seemed to cheer up . A work colleague had tried to hit on her , and she had hit him , with a dustpan . A week 's suspension had followed for him for his behaviour , and a two week suspension for her , for what amounted basically to common assault , although she was lucky and he hadn 't wanted to press charges the way he could have . Then again , he probably wouldn 't have been inclined to stand up in front of a magistrate and say , " That little sixteen - year old girl hit me because I tried to get her into my bed and wouldn 't take ' Piss off , you arrogant shit , ' for an answer ! " That was exactly the response that Joanna had given him , word for word , causing a ripple of laughter . She may have had the body of a young lady , and the face of an angel , but Joanna didn 't have the vocabulary to go with either of those ; her vocabulary was far closer to vulgar ladette , than to any sort of lady . Joanna went back to my place with me after the bar , and we sat , drank what little white wine I had left in my fridge , and talked , into the small hours of the morning . When we walked out to the taxi that Joanna had ordered , I felt as if I 'd known her since she was just a little girl . I wasn 't sure why , at the time , but I gave Joanna a twenty pound note to pay for the taxi . She hadn 't asked me for it , but I could spare it on my salary , far easier than I figured she could on hers , which wasn 't very good really . Twenty - six to thirty hours a week on minimum wage , ( at the lower rate due to her age , ) wasn 't exactly great , was it ? Her eyes lit up at the casual way I just gave away a twenty like that . After that , we met up a couple of nights a week ; sometimes going out for a drink with my friends , going to the cinema , or just sitting in front of my TV with a small bottle of wine and a big pizza . Sometimes we 'd go out with what few friends Joanna had , but I didn 't seem to be well received by them ; perhaps because of my age , or perhaps because I was monopolising Joanna 's time ; we weren 't sure , so we agreed not to do that , and to be honest , Joanna didn 't really seem to miss her friends anyway . Before too long , she wasn 't going home in a taxi on a night ; she was staying in my guest bedroom , and I was driving her home in the morning ; always after I made her breakfast . For the first time in my life , I was starting to develop feelings for another woman ; just a slip of a girl really , and at first , I was scared of what it might mean for me . Had I always been a bit bi - sexual , just not realising , or refusing to admit it ? Had it taken me that long to find a woman I could love , hoping that she just might love me in return ? I 'd had very little luck with boyfriends in the previous couple of years , so what did I really have to lose in trying to date a woman ? There was little I was willing to do at first , not even try to kiss the shy , yet gorgeous little thing . I was twenty - five and Joanna was still only sixteen , clearly too young for me to try anything on with , and that was only if she returned the feelings I was developing for her , and to fair , I doubted that . She hadn 't given me any indication of having any feelings for me . One Monday night , quite late , I was sitting in front of the TV , watching whatever crap was on it , bored half out of my skull , and suddenly there was a knock at the door . I wasn 't expecting any visitors , so I walked to the door and peered through the peep - hole , rather than open it . Standing on the other side of the front door was Joanna , without so much as a coat , in the pelting rain . I opened the door , and she stepped through , looked considerably distraught . I got her into the living room , and , as she was soaked to the skin and shivering , I gave her the glass of cognac I 'd only just poured for myself . Joanna knocked that back , coughing as the alcohol hit the back of her throat . Not really being sure of what to do after that , I offered her one of my bathrobes , and suggested that she go into the shower while I got her some clean , dry , clothes out of my wardrobe , which I left on the floor outside the bathroom . A few minutes later , Joanna appeared downstairs in my clothes , and I made her a cup of tea . She apologised for being a nuisance , and for arriving at such a late hour . Then she explained why . The previous weekend had been a birthday party for a friend of Joanna 's from work , which had been a pretty good party . Joanna had headed home in a taxi afterwards , having enjoyed herself . The idiot at work who had hit on her a few months earlier was telling everyone how she 'd left with him , and boasting that he 'd gotten her into bed and popped her cherry . That very morning at work , she 'd heard what he 'd been saying , and there had been an almighty bust - up , because he was clearly lying . She was quite sober when she left the party and got into her taxi to go home , and she knew that she 'd gone home alone , and with her cherry intact . That was sexual harassment , and Joanna complained about it to her boss , who didn 't really seem to be concerned about it . Truth be told , Joanna knew that she didn 't get the job due to her qualifications ; she hadn 't many of them after all . She got the job because she was eye - candy for the public ; she was there simply to draw attention . Joanna knew that she was there to persuade teenage boys and young men to eat at the place she worked , to stare at her , and for no other reason . If her boss wasn 't going to take her complaint seriously , then , quite understandably , she didn 't want to keep the job , so she stormed off home , and was intending to quit . Her adopted parents were insisting that she couldn 't just quit , because she clearly couldn 't afford that . She was too young to claim any benefits , so she 'd have no wages and therefore she 'd have no money , and they couldn 't afford to support her . Lying bastards that they were ; they had plenty of money and could easily give her financial support for the following few weeks or months ; I would have in their place . My parents had for me in a similar situation . They 'd even suggested that I chuck the job if I wasn 't happy in it . I wasn 't happy in it , but I was too proud to quit ; too proud to let that bitch beat me . So I stuck at the job , and she quit ! She started to cry on my shoulder , so I simply held her and let her cry . When she 'd finished crying , and I 'd dried her tears , I succumbed to the temptation to kiss her , right on those full , shapely , red lips . There was a little gasp of surprise from Joanna and she recoiled slightly from me . Panicked , I released her from my grasp , leaned back , and I can clearly remember sitting there , thinking , " Oh shit ! My reputation is going to go right down the … " That was as far as I got before Joanna leaned forward again and planted her lips onto mine . Joanna , on the other hand , was unmistakeably innocent . Clearly , as she was still only sixteen , we couldn 't take it much further , without me breaking the law , so when I found myself reaching for her tits , I pulled my hands back , not expecting that she would have realised what I was doing . However Joanna had noticed and she grabbed my wrists , placing both hands where I had intended to put them . Her tits were quite warm , through the thin cotton blouse she was wearing , firm and full , and they felt nice in my hands ; especially as she wasn 't wearing a bra , and I could feel her nipples pressing into the palms of my hands . As one of my ex - boyfriends had said about my own tits , " A nice firm handful to play with . " That was the first time I 'd fondled another girl 's tits , but it took me one step closer to understanding men . I realised why blokes enjoy fondling girls ' tits ; it feels nice to have a large pair , like Joanna 's in my hands . It 's also nice to know that the owner of them is quite happy letting you feel them . It is a sign that she thinks enough of you , and trusts you enough to permit it . Her hands found my tits and began to gently knead them , just the way men had done before , and the way I quite enjoyed . We broke the embrace , and neither of us really wanted to look into the other 's eyes for a while . " I can 't believe I just did that , " said Joanna , with a shy smile , " but I quite enjoyed it . " " I 'm having much the same thoughts , " I confessed . " I can 't believe that I just did it either , but I also enjoyed it . Does that make us lesbians ? " " I 've wondered that for a while , Katie . I don 't want you to take this the wrong way … but … I know that I 'm attracted to you . I 've never felt this way about anyone before , so I 'm not really sure what it means . I 've never had a boyfriend before , so perhaps I am a lesbian . You 've had boyfriends , so clearly you can 't be strictly a lesbian . Perhaps you 're a closet bi - sexual , just coming out , for the first time . " " You can stay as long as you like , " I assured her . " I won 't worry about my home while you 're here , and I 'll give you the spare set of keys , and the alarm code . You won 't steal anything will you ? " I asked with a smile on my face , to show that I wasn 't serious . She just smiled right back at me and said , " If you thought that I might be a thief , you wouldn 't have made the offer . You know that you can trust me , and you know that I won 't do anything to upset you ; don 't you ? Besides which , you know where I live ! You know where to send the police to have me arrested if anything goes missing . What time will you be home from work tomorrow ? I 'll have tea ready for you . " " Sponge ? " I laughed . " You 've told me that you 're attracted to me , and I 've told you that I feel the same about you . You 've grabbed my tits and stuck your tongue into my mouth , and I 've done the same to you . Obviously we can 't take it any further than that , without me risking arrest and imprisonment for unlawful sex with a minor ; assuming that was what you wanted . I feel like a stupid schoolgirl again for the first time in years . " Not really being sure of what to do , I stepped close to Joanna , stared into her lovely green eyes , and wrapped my arms around her . " Girlfriends ? " I asked . " Yes ! " was the emphatic reply , as she put her arms around my waist , and got a firm grip on my arse . " If I 'm still your girlfriend when I reach eighteen , I will want you to fuck me . In fact , if you want to fuck me before then , I won 't have you arrested . I 'll share your bed tonight if you 'll let me ; I 'm willing enough to let you have my cherry . " I felt tears in my eyes at that moment ; she was offering to sleep with me if I wanted , despite her age . " In that case , I 'll become the provider for myself and my partner . I have no debts , " I told her . " I inherited the house from an uncle , so I own it outright . I traded his car in for something more manageable , and still had some spare cash left . I have a good salary from my employer , and I will willingly support my first girlfriend , quite happily . I had already realised that I 'm at my happiest when you are around me , so if you want to stay permanently , then I want you to stay , but no fucking until you 're eighteen ; my conscience wouldn 't let me sleep with you until then . " She looked into my eyes , whispered , " Thank you Katie ; you won 't regret it . I promise you that you won 't , " and just burst into tears again . As she did that , I held her to me , aware of the firm grip she still had on my arse , and I wondered how the fuck I was going to explain to the girls , how , at just turned twenty - six , I had ended up with a sixteen year old girlfriend , who was moving in with me ! Later that day , I drove her to her parents ' house and we told them a partial truth . We told them that I was going to put her up until she could find a new job . They didn 't like it , and tried to convince her to go back to work , and stay with them . That attempt ended when I put them in their places . " Just because you are too tight to maintain your adopted daughter , don 't tar everyone with the same brush . She 's a good friend to me , and I , at least , will look after her . Do you know why she wants to quit that dead end job ? Some twat is claiming to have gotten her drunk and screwed her after a party and a bunch of twats are taking the piss , and you don 't appear to care in the slightest , about the slur on Joanna 's reputation , only being worried about your bloody bank balance ! You want to make her go back to that job , and you call yourselves parents ? If I had parents like you . I 'd disown the inconsiderate bastards ! I 'll take your daughter in to my home and I 'll and support her if you won 't . She can have my spare room until she 's working again , and can afford to rent herself a flat nearby . I have the money , and I 'm willing to spend it on a friend in need . I 'll buy her everything she needs because I can . I 'll pay for her to learn to drive , and I 'll get her a car to drive to interviews , if she hasn 't found work by then . She 'll need a good suit to wear , and I 'll supply her with that too . Why am I going to do this ? Because her own bloody parents won 't ! Despite her youth , she 's a good friend to me and she 's good company . " As Joanna 's adoptive father tried to interrupt me , I sort of ' stomped ' on him . " I 'm not finished yet , you tight fisted bastard ! No doubt you 're wondering what I 'm going to get out of the arrangement ? Jo 's offered to keep house for me ; wash , iron , cook and clean . She 's going to be the most expensive house - keeper I can imagine , but I don 't care ! She 'll be good company for me , and I 'm looking forward to that . I 'm single at the moment , after my last boyfriend dumped me for some dirty little trollop with king - sized knockers and knickers like a yo - yo . I wouldn 't get into his bed so he waved bye - bye to me , in favour of some cheap slag he picked up in a bar . She gave him the pox too , and it served him right . In fact , he reminds me of you ! " Neither of us had any real idea of what we were going to do in our new life as lovers . Obviously we couldn 't sleep together , because that was illegal , but we could be happy together anyway . The following morning I went to work after bunging a load of washing in the machine . When I got home , it was dried , ironed and folded , ready to be put away , and I was quite surprised . I hadn 't expected Joanna to have done all of that , and said so . She just smiled at me and said , " It wasn 't as if I had a great else to do , Katie . I can 't pay you board money , or pay a share of the domestic bills ; you won 't even let me fuck , so I thought that I may as well earn my keep the only way I can ; by doing housework . Let me do these things , please ; I 'll feel better if you do . " " A good wife ? You 're only sixteen , Jo , with a lot ahead of you yet . Just because we are attracted to each other , doesn 't mean we 'll be able to make it work out , but I will try my best , and I 'm sure you will too . I 'll try my hardest to be a good husband to you . Not that I have the slightest idea how to be , but I will try . " We were visited by Joanna 's parents after a few days . There 'd been no contact from her , and they accepted that she wasn 't going to move back in , so they came to see her . I suggested that she give them a tour of the house , to see what they would say . They seemed surprised that Joanna and I were sleeping in separate beds . It was clear that they thought I was sleeping with her already , despite her age , and didn 't make much of an effort to hide that fact . We both knew that if things continued the way they were , then it was only a matter of time until that started to happen . It was Joanna who put them in their places that time , and she lied through her teeth ! She told them I 'd taken her in because I was a good friend despite the short time we 'd known each other . I didn 't want to see her upset , and she 'd volunteered to be my housekeeper , as I had said a few days earlier , to pay her way , seeing as she had no money . She told them we weren 't lovers , which we really weren 't , back then . She pointed to pictures of my ex boyfriends on the shelves , to convince them that girls weren 't my thing , and they believed her . More fool them then ; especially if they couldn 't recognise the fact that the girl they 'd raised from the age of fourteen months , was lying to their faces with a smile on her lips . Less than ten seconds after they got out of the front door , we were kissing in the hall , and for the first time Joanna put her hands up my top and popped my tits out of my half cups , and began to caress them . She was turning me on , and I wanted to stop her doing that , because she was too young for me to have sex with . Normally when a man did that to me , we used to head for my bed , or his , depending on where we were , and we did it rather quickly . I tried to stop her , but she didn 't want to stop , and said , " Then I 'll keep my knickers on , and cross my legs , so no - one can accuse you of that . Let me play with your boobs for a while , baby , they feel so soft , and nice , under my fingers . " What could I say to that ? So we stayed where we were , like a couple of school kids , kissing and fondling each others ' tits , getting more and more turned on . I almost laughed when I felt Joanna clearly cross her legs as she stood in front of me . We both knew that we were going to have to stop soon , or who knew where it would end . I ended up breaking the embrace , trying not to hurt Joanna 's feelings , and stepped away from her . She took it quite well , knowing what had to be done , and we returned to the living room , and put some popcorn into the microwave , before putting on a movie . All we did after that was exchange the odd kiss , after agreeing not to grope each other 's tits for the rest of the night , and watch the film . As we tidied up and went to bed , Joanna said to me , " Goodnight Katie , I love you . " There ; one of us had actually said it , and it was out in the open . " I love you too , Joanna , " I replied . " Can we trust ourselves to share a bed do you think ? " Despite living with me , and doing all my domestic chores , Joanna wasn 't keen on asking me for anything , no matter how little it cost . There was a particular Saturday afternoon we 'd gone shopping , and I could see her eying up a particularly nice dress . I offered to buy her the dress , but she wouldn 't let me ; objecting to my spending a considerable sum of money on a dress for her , so I let it go . I bought her the dress the following Monday on my lunch break , and presented it to her that evening after we 'd had our tea . At first she didn 't want to accept it , but seeing as I wasn 't planning on taking it back , she accepted it eventually , and looked very nice in it too . It took me quite a while to convince Joanna that if she saw something she wanted , then all she had to do was say so , and it was very unlikely that I 'd refuse to buy it for her . For her seventeenth birthday , I paid the fee to get Joanna her provisional driving license , and booked her first twenty lessons with the instructor I learned from . I also added her onto my own insurance , and let her drive my car when we went out together . At first she was too worried about damaging my car to drive it , but as her confidence increased , she permitted herself to drive us around . Along with those , I also gave her a credit card on my own account , even though it took her months to actually put anything on it . " Easy honey ; you stick your tongue down my throat , and both hands up my t - shirt to grab my tits when one of them is looking at us . Demonstrate your lesbianism , and there 'll be lots of piss - taking going on by the time we leave . It 'll ruin his reputation entirely . " It took her most of the meal to find the nerve , but , blushing slightly , she did ! She leaned across the bench seat to kiss me , and for the first time in quite a while , I got myself vigorously groped in a public place . It made me feel so dirty , and it was great fun . We got banned from the fast food bar for life , but who the fuck even cared ? We could see no reason why we would want to go in there again anyway . When we got home , I gave the girl I loved something of a reward for her courage . I stripped myself naked from the waist up , the way she 'd been pestering me to do me to for a while , and I let her touch , feel and suck my tits , until they were sticky with her saliva , my sensitive nipples were sticking up , and her own blouse and bra were on the floor , and she was all but begging me to suck on her nipples the same way . She was blushing a little because she 'd never bared her tits like that for anyone . Going in the school showers after PE didn 't really count , because the girls didn 't really pay a great deal of attention to each others ' tits . Joanna didn 't worry about her tits back then , or so she 'd said . Given the size they were , she had nothing to be ashamed of , and nothing that the other girls would have taken the piss about , the way they did with girls with smaller tits . Yet she 'd never bared them to a lover , who was going to touch , feel and suck them , which was what I was intending to do . If I 'd had even a little less willpower , I 'd have had her knickers off , and she wouldn 't have even wanted to stop me ; feeling as wanton as I did . It was the first time since childhood that I had sucked on a pair of tits as well , and there was something indescribably sexy about doing so . I 'd sucked my mother 's as a baby , seeing as that was what they were intended for . My mother insisted on breast - feeding both my brother and myself , because that was what nature intended . We got to the turned on stage all too often , but with sufficient willpower Joanna reached her eighteenth birthday with her cherry intact , but we both wanted that to change soon after . There was one night , a few weeks before her birthday , after a night out on the town , we got home and she put a hand up my skirt , and , for the first time , quite unmistakably reached for my fanny through the gusset of my knickers . " You know , Katie , I think I 'm going to quite enjoy slipping my tongue into this little honeypot . Will you let me lick your fanny tonight , baby ? " " No Katie , I 'm too young to let you stick a strap - on cock into my fanny , if you owned one . I 'm not too young to lick yours , or let you lick mine . Please baby ; you know I want to lick you out ! " Her logic was good , and she was right on that score . I 'd let my first real boyfriend see and suck my tits at thirteen , and then he started to poke and lick my fanny when I was fourteen . At the same age I 'd first started sucking his cock and swallowing his spunk , so did it really make much difference if I licked Joanna 's fanny when she was still sweet , virginal seventeen ? " You 've had yours licked before though , haven 't you ? I 'm sure you 'll be able to tell me what to do , won 't you . I 'll do what you say . " I didn 't get the chance to use my tongue ; I was quickly but gently pressed up against the living room wall , and Joanna quite roughly yanked my knickers down around my ankles for me to step out of . She seemed quite surprised that I had shaved off all my pubes , so my fanny was bald . I 'm not really sure how I looked ; holding my skirt up out of the way , while directing my seventeen year old girlfriend in the art of fanny licking . When Joanna had given me a climax , and it was time for me to return the favour , she stood up and walked across the living room to the couch and lay back on it . Then visibly blushing with a mix of embarrassment and shyness , she hitched her skirt up and pulled her knickers down for me , exposing a triumphant red bush and a tight virginal fanny . She invited me to use my fingers on her fanny , to loosen it up for the dildo we were going to buy later on . Her fanny was wet and warm , and oh so tight around my fingers . Joanna 's sense of humour was great , but sometimes she picked the wrong subject . That day , after I 'd stuck two fingers into her fanny , she jokingly asked me how long it had been since a partner had begged me to get my knickers off , just to lick me out ; rather than actually have sex with me , which she did want to do , and would do when it was legal . I didn 't like the concept that I 'd made her beg for anything . I actually apologised if I 'd given her that impression . That wasn 't what I wanted her to think . " With the exception of sex before your birthday , I 'll give you anything you can reasonably want . That , I promise you , with all of my heart , " was what I told her that night . She asked me for one promise ; a nice simple one . " Poke my fanny every night , lover ? I 'll lick yours if you do . I want to be ready to be taken on my birthday . I want to be ready for you to enter me that very night , and not get hurt too much . " From then on we did the same virtually every night , yet we didn 't sleep in the same bed . In fact we didn 't do anything in either bedroom together , although we both admitted to poking ourselves during some nights , and imagining that it was the other one doing the poking . We deliberately refused to buy a strap - on dildo until the day of Joanna 's birthday , so there could be no temptation after a night out ; or after a night in for that matter . If we had nothing to use to have sex , then we clearly couldn 't have sex . Five weeks down the line , after a night out on the town , to celebrate Joanna 's birthday , we arrived home with only one thought on our minds ; sex ! I was going to claim Joanna 's virginity . We stumbled into my bedroom , literally tearing at each other 's clothes , until we were both entirely naked , and we reached for the double - ended dildo we 'd bought especially for the purpose that very afternoon . Joanna had already decided that I was going to be on top ; I was going to be the dominant partner , being the one who had a job . The facts that I was nine years older , four inches taller and twenty pounds heavier also had something to do with it . As I looked down at Joanna lying on what had just become our bed , she looked so small and vulnerable . It was a big bed in an equally big bedroom , and it dwarfed her five foot , three inch ; size eight , frame . I 'd never had sex with a woman before and it was a little strange , really burying my face in a hairy fanny and going at it for all I was worth with my tongue . It was also a lot of fun as I listened to Joanna whimpering . She smelled divine , and tasted the same way . I quite quickly realised that I liked the smell of what my first serious boyfriend called , " a dirty little girl . " I suppose he was right about me , too . At the age of fourteen , I was lying on his bed , bra and knickers in my handbag , skirt up around my waist and my blouse open , all of my girlie parts on display , ready to be touched , probed , licked or sucked , and they certainly were . I had been a dirty little girl , hadn 't I ? Originally , I 'd dropped my knickers for him as a Christmas present , and quite enjoyed having my fanny poked , so I continued to let him poke it on a regular basis . I 'd been getting my tits out for him for a few months by then already . What would his parents have thought if they 'd caught us at it ; their sixteen year old son with two fingers in his fourteen year old girlfriend 's fanny on his bed ? Let alone what they 'd have thought if they 'd seen him with his cock in her mouth , never mind actually spunking into her mouth for her to swallow . He wanted to put his cock in my fanny as well , but I wasn 't having that ; at fourteen I figured I was too young to screw . A few months later I made the mistake of letting him find out that my GP had prescribed me the oral contraceptive pill as a remedy for my headaches , so he figured that it would be safe to have sex me without risk of my becoming pregnant , and began to pester me for sex . I refused , and threatened to dump him if he didn 't stop pestering me . I made another mistake by promising him my unprotected fanny on the night of my sixteenth birthday , if we were still together , and on the condition that he gave me a good night out to celebrate . I got plenty of presents and a good night out , and was then taken to his brother 's flat , and shagged over the arm of the settee , because we weren 't allowed to use the bedroom . Not exactly what a teenage virgin should have expected for her first time , but it sufficed for both of us . Inconsiderate twat that he was , he boasted to everyone about what I had agreed to let him do , although if I had known what he was telling people , I may well have reneged on my part of the bargain . I had expected a little discretion , after all ! As it was , he got me home a bare five minutes before my midnight deadline , and as everyone found out within a few days , when I got there , I had no knickers on under my short skirt and my fanny was full to overflowing with his spunk . He claimed to be surprised that my parents hadn 't heard the filthy squelching noises from my well - spunked fanny as I walked into the house ! He 'd had his cock in my mouth as usual , but he wouldn 't spunk there . He said he was saving it all to put in my fanny , and as the boasts said , he spunked in there no less than four times , and apparently I looked so dirty as the spunk trickled out after he 'd squirted it into my fanny . He 'd wanted to me up the arse as well , but with a cock as big as his , I told him that that there was no way in hell he was doing that . I 'd been worried enough about its effects on my virginal fanny , and that was designed to have a cock shoved inside it ! It didn 't hurt though , and I was thankful for the time and effort he 'd lavished on my fanny for the previous eighteen months or so , making sure that I was ready to shag . As I said to him , nature didn 't give me an arsehole to have a cock shoved up it ; that was what Mother Nature designed fannies to do ! I 'd enjoyed my first ever shagging , so as long as I got more pleasure , he could give me a lot more of them . Within eight months of that night , I was single again . I went to his little flat to surprise him . I surprised both of them ! It was an unpleasant surprise for me too ; finding my boyfriend shagging a woman old enough to be his mother , on the living room floor ! To make matters worse , he wasn 't wearing a condom , so I had little idea of what he might have given me . I dumped him on the spot , despite his protests of it being the first time , and his pleading and his begging for a second chance . The odds of it being the first time were remote , and I 'd have had to have been a fool to believe him . Being a smart girls , I get myself checked out at the local pox - doctor , and and the tender age of sixteen , that was bloody humiliating ! I liked the unique odour of a wet fanny in front of my nose , and the taste of it on my tongue . She tasted so sweet too ! I understood why a fanny was often called a honeypot , because of the sweet taste of fanny - juice . I hadn 't been laid in more than a year and despite having Joanna 's tongue in my fanny every night for the previous few weeks , I was missing the sex . However , seeing as I was living with my girlfriend , I couldn 't cheat on her and go out to get laid . I wouldn 't anyway , because I 've been cheated on before , and I know how much it hurts . Besides which , I 've never done a one - night stand , just for the sex . Being licked out was all well and good , but nothing beats a long , hard cock , shoved as far as it will go . Well , I wasn 't going to miss it anymore , even if the cock was made of latex rubber . That night , just before we first made love , I promised to be very gentle with the young woman I was about to have sex with . I understood , the way no boy or man ever could , the feelings of anxiety a virgin girl often had . She was wondering about the sensation of having our new rubber cock inserted in her tight , virginal fanny . She saw that it was eight inches in length , and it looked positively huge . She was wondering where it was going to fit within her lower abdomen . Just as I had been many years ago , Joanna was anxious yet excited . She had reached the age where her partner could legally have sex with her , and that was what she wanted . To be fair though , she wasn 't the only anxious one in that bedroom . I was worried that I might unintentionally hurt her , as I pushed the rubber cock inside her . After I served Joanna breakfast in bed , I asked her what she wanted for afters . I got what I could only describe as a dirty laugh , and the answer , " I want to suck your boobs and lick your lovely bald fanny of course . Come over here and stick it in my face before you make love to me again . " I was still tired after the last night , but I performed like a good ' husband ' , and gave her another orgasm . We discussed how we were going to tell my friends about what we had become . We decided that a demonstration was the order of the day , so the next night out , in our usual club ; Joanna planted her mouth onto mine in full view of the entire group , and grabbed a good , double handful of my arse cheeks . There were no shocked gasps , the way I had been expecting . In fact , the only words were , " Right , that 's twenty quid you owe me , Maggie . " Clearly we 'd been sussed a while ago , but , much to my surprise , no - one seemed to care that I 'd morphed into a muff - diver . Joanna changed her surname by deed poll shortly after her adopted parents disowned her . She didn 't want to keep their name , to remind her of how stupid and hurtful they had been . It took her a while to choose a new name , and I was surprised when she asked my permission to take my surname . We were partners , so we may as well have the same names , even if we couldn 't marry . That brought tears to my eyes , as I realised what it meant . She had promised that she would be a good wife to me , and , like any good wife , she wanted to take my family name . Needless to say , I quite happily gave her my blessing to take my name if she wanted it . For her eighteenth birthday , I bought Joanna a convertible Nissan Micra , the glass roofed version , as she 'd only just recently passed her test . She liked Micras , seeing as that was what her driving instructor had , and what I owned , and let her drive , so it was what she 'd become accustomed to driving . The car wasn 't brand new ; an ex - demonstrator , about six months old , but it was still a nice looking car in a metallic dark green , complete with warranty and free servicing . It came out of my inheritance , and when Joanna took the keys from the salesman , the look on her face was worth every penny that car cost me . It was the best birthday present anyone had ever given her , and , as I had come to expect , Joanna cried . When I told her that I wanted to buy her a car , she was expecting something from a corner end used car place ; a few hundred quid , maybe a grand at the most . She sure as hell wasn 't expecting what she got ! Unfortunately , when she took the keys to the car , she had no insurance . I couldn 't insure it in her name without giving the surprise away . I had to drive it home for her , and then we got her insured to drive it , and I had forgotten just how expensive car insurance could be for the young , inexperienced drivers without any no - claims discount . Being adopted , Joanna has no idea about her real family . Had she been taken from them by social services because they couldn 't look after her ? Had they given her away voluntarily ? Or was she an orphan , with no family ? Prior to that day , she told me that I was the only family she needed , and had suggested that in a few years she would like us to adopt a child or two , to create a proper family . She insisted on adopting , rather than fostering , because she wanted us to keep the children for life , rather than just have different children for short times , before they went off to other homes . She wanted to be able to build a proper bond between the two of us and any children we adopted . I quite liked the idea of raising a couple of children the way I would have if I had married and let my husband make me pregnant . We classed the name change as our wedding day , and went off on honeymoon to Quebec , in Canada . While we were there , we underwent the Canadian wedding ceremony , even though it isn 't legally binding in this country . I made the hotel reservation at the hotel where I had been a couple of times for a girls ' holiday , and as usual , I had to spell my family name . My paternal grandfather was foreign you see . He 'd arrived in Britain in 1942 , a badly wounded P . O . W . from North Africa . His home was Hamburg , but when the war was over , he had nothing to go home to , seeing as his entire family had been killed by the Royal Air Force . When the war was over , he initiated a search for the nurse who saved his life , intending to thank her properly . A year or so later , they were married , and that is why my family name is Von Falkenhausen . My paternal grandfather had two sons , and taught them both their heritage . My father taught me my heritage and his language . My brother wasn 't really interested , thinking it was all old hat . That was why when our uncle died , single and childless , I got everything ; the house , the car and all the money , and my dip - shit brother got diddly - squat , and it served him right too ! My German is extremely good , I just have an accent . If it wasn 't for that , I could pass for a native . I 'm teaching Joanna , too , so that she can participate in the family debates . My father spent a short while in the army , and on his return from a tour of duty in Germany , of all places , he brought a pregnant , disabled wife home with him . That pregnancy was me , and was the death - knell of my father 's army career . The meeting between my parents was extremely unusual . My mother stepped onto a road without looking , and my father ran her over in an army - issue Land Rover . Even now , my mother jokes that my father could only get a wife by breaking her legs and knocking her out first . She was paralysed in the accident , and only had good use of one arm , so clearly she couldn 't raise a child too well from her wheelchair . Father got a special reasons discharge from the army , although he was quite happy there , to look after his wife and infant daughter . My parents never denied that both myself and my brother were accidents . Mother wasn 't really able to look after children , so they had decided not to have any . However , when mother fell pregnant , they were left with little choice . We haven 't seen hide nor hair of Joanna 's adoptive parents since she told them that we were lovers , and by now it doesn 't seem to bother her in the slightest . It did at the start , but she decided that if they didn 't want anything to do with her , she didn 't want anything to do with them either . She is not any kind of pervert ; she is a beautiful , caring young woman , and I love her . My own parents are quite understanding about the situation , and make Joanna feel quite welcome whenever we visit them , and they 're always friendly towards her when they visit us . It was going to be awkward when I explained things to them , so we went around to see them when we knew my brother would be absent from the family home . When we told them what was happening , my mother propelled her wheelchair over to Joanna , wrapped her up in her embrace and simply said , " Welcome to the family . " " The monsters ! " my mother announced . " You 'll always be welcome here young lady , if Katie 's out of the area on business . " That did happen on occasion , unfortunately , due to the job . When my boss went away on business , I often had to go with him , which was the downside of being a highly paid PA . There were times I 'd rather not have gone , but I didn 't really have much choice . I 've been to many foreign lands ; America , Japan , Germany , France , and even Russia . I was lucky in a way , and my partners never distrusted me while I was away with my boss . I wasn 't going to get up to any infidelity , for two reasons . My boss , at that time , was in his late fifties , ( way too old for my tastes ) , and had a rather attractive boyfriend of his own , many years younger than he was . As I said to Joanna , " I don 't do boys any more , and he 's never done girls , so that reduces the chances of adultery to just about zero , " although she never doubted my commitment to her . Joanna always trusted me to be faithful to her , and I always have been . I guess that my parents are just broader minded people , content to accept whoever I love and whoever makes me happy . They 've even started to jokingly refer to Joanna as my wife . I was a little surprised to hear them invite me to a family meal and instruct me to " bring the wife with you . " Joanna was over the moon with that , because it meant that she 'd been accepted by my family , in a way that her own either wouldn 't , or couldn 't , accept her . My parents can 't understand Joanna 's parents ' inability to accept her for what she is , because there 's no point in trying to change her . If being in a relationship with another woman is what makes her happy , then let her be happy . My brother , who had been making ' lemon ' jokes , for a few weeks beforehand , was staring daggers at me all night , because he was jealous of the young beauty that was quite willing to share my bed , when the time was right . Then again , considering some of the dogs he 's pulled in his time , it wasn 't exactly any surprise . Some of them were so ugly , the only reason he could possibly want anything to do with them , was that they were dirty slags after casual sex . That was often what I told him he was as well ; ' a dirty little blonde slapper , ' and he is too . He 's always been the sort to chase anything in a skirt , and probably always will . The old joke ' A fanny and a pulse ; and the pulse is entirely optional , ' certainly applies to him , because he will screw literally anything in a skirt , between the ages of sixteen and sixty . I hope for his sake that he stays away from Scotland ! Even the blokes up there wear skirts more than I do . Whenever I 'm in a relationship , I always wear trousers to work , to hide my legs . Joanna has always said that I have the most gorgeous legs she 's ever seen , and she asked me why I hide them from blokes ' eyes . I 've never really figured out why I do that , but it 's become a way for guys at work to tell that I 'm not available , and it 's also an old habit . My brother often used the family name as a tool in trying to pull ; seeing as it is an old aristocratic name , indicative of breeding , money and influence . Most of the time , it didn 't work . I used other methods . A pretty face , long blonde hair , a nice , shapely arse in a short skirt , and a pair of thirty eight inch tits in a short , tight top , and no bra , were far more effective at grabbing the attentions of the opposite sex , although I never fooled around on the first date . Blokes had to work to get me into bed , but sooner or later , I went , and I had my fun with them . None of them ever complained that I was a poor lay , and neither did my only girlfriend . I was never unattractive , but I 'm not up to Joanna 's standards of beauty ; not that it bothers her . In fact , she doesn 't like the attention she gets because of her looks , and her petite , hourglass figure , but she 's just going to have to accept the fact that she is going to get the attention , whether she likes it or not ; what with her forty inch tits in their DD cups , twenty - four inch waist and thirty - eight inch hips ; and the fact that she is simply downright , drop - dead , gorgeous . Blokes are going to be attracted to her looks and that is all there is to it , as are a few women as well . Such is the downside to being truly beautiful . When Joanna turned twenty - one , I took her shopping for a present suitable for her birthday . I also took her to the local office of social services and we registered ourselves as volunteering to adopt a child . As we 'd only been together for three years , they were reluctant , but Joanna gave them a little more to go on . " We 've actually been together a year and a half longer than that , but we had to sleep in separate beds due to my age . Isn 't four and a half years enough to develop a loving relationship , to raise an abandoned , neglected , or abused child in ? I was adopted myself , so I know how it feels to be raised by people who aren 't your own family . When I told them that I was a lesbian , they disowned me , and I intend to do better than that ! " After almost nineteen months , our names came to the top of the adoption list , and we adopted a little baby girl , Daniela , only a few weeks old . She 'd been abandoned by her mother in a hospital car park on a summer 's night , with a note explaining things . Seeing as her mother wasn 't traced , she went into the adoption program , and came to us . Now we are parents , and it still feels a little funny to me . We vowed to ourselves that we would be good parents . Danni grew up with us and started to address Joanna as " mummy , " and that was wonderful to hear . Yet again , little Miss . Sensitive Soul broke down into tears when that happened . Obviously , Danni will have to be told the truth at some point , and that 'll be rather hard for us to do , I think , but we 'll have to do it . It 'll only be fair to her after all to tell her the truth ; that mummy isn 't mummy . Joanna is a first class mother ; no doubt about that . She took to the role like a duck to water . Whenever Danni woke up in the middle of the night in need of changing , or wanting feeding , Joanna was there ; no complaints , or curses . She wouldn 't let me do anything at times like that ; " Get some sleep baby , you 're the worker . I 'm the mother of the two of us , and this is my responsibility , " was the sort of thing she 'd say to me if I volunteered to help , or take over from her , so I stopped volunteering . One day I remember in particular . Joanna was in the shower and Danni started to cry . I did all that I could think of but I couldn 't get her to settle . She didn 't need changing , and she didn 't want feeding , so I was unable to figure out what to do . After a few minutes , Joanna walked into the room and said , " It 's ok baby - kins , mummy 's here now . " By the time she picked Danni out of my arms , and rested her in the crook of her right arm , the screaming baby was silent ! Her A - levels followed , she did well on those too . She wants to go to university soon , and get more qualifications , and meet more people . She didn 't have many friends when I met her , but now she 's doing far better at being outgoing , even if most of her friends from college are noticeably younger than she is . She is the group 's matriarch due to her age , and even she finds that to be funny . Read 14358 times |
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My name is Katherine , Katie to my friends . I 'm a PA to a senior director of a large corporation , and have been for many years now . I began as a humble secretary after finishing secretarial college when I was twenty . There was a fateful day in my life when everything seemed to change . It was a Saturday afternoon , and I was shopping for a new pair of shoes for a party . I stepped backwards away from a rack in a shoe store , and I quite literally bumped into another shopper , doing exactly the same . We both turned around to apologise , the way you do , and I noticed that the other shopper was an attractive girl in her mid to late teens . You often can 't tell how old a teenage girl is ; due to the effect make - up has on her facial features . I was buying alcohol and getting into eighteen rated films by the time I was fifteen . Unusually for me I got talking to the girl in the store , and we talked about fashions , make - ups , and other ' girlie ' things . The store was crowded so it took us a while to get served , and I suggested that the two of us get some lunch , simply because I was feeling hungry ; I wasn 't trying to pick the girl up ; girls weren 't my thing . I was no cheap slapper , unlike some of my friends from secretarial college who would shag anything in a pair of trousers , but I liked to think that I was a red - blooded man eater . During the conversation , we introduced ourselves to the other . Her name was Joanna , and she worked in the fast - food bar that was just along the corridor , but she wasn 't particularly happy with the job . She was a little over sixteen and a half , and quite talkative . Although I don 't usually give away my phone numbers to strangers , there was something about Joanna that made me trust her , so we traded phone numbers and arranged to meet up the following weekend , for lunch , after Joanna finished her shift . We duly met up , and we got on like a house on fire , despite the age difference between us . One evening , a couple of weeks later , my phone rang , at home , as I was getting all dolled up to go out , and it was Joanna . She 'd had a bust - up at work with a colleague , and had been suspended . She was upset and wanted someone to talk to . I was scheduled to go out with a few friends from secretarial college in less than an hour , so I invited Joanna to join us for a drink . I didn 't know why she 'd picked me to talk to ; perhaps because I was many years older than she was , and I seemed worldly wise by comparison , which I suppose I was . However , if anyone had said that to me , I 'd probably have taken it quite badly . It would have made me sound as if I was getting old , and at twenty - five , nearly twenty - six , I didn 't class myself as getting old . I directed my taxi driver to Joanna 's place and picked her up , then I took her to the bar where I always met up with the girls , and during the evening , she seemed to cheer up . A work colleague had tried to hit on her , and she had hit him , with a dustpan . A week 's suspension had followed for him for his behaviour , and a two week suspension for her , for what amounted basically to common assault , although she was lucky and he hadn 't wanted to press charges the way he could have . Then again , he probably wouldn 't have been inclined to stand up in front of a magistrate and say , " That little sixteen - year old girl hit me because I tried to get her into my bed and wouldn 't take ' Piss off , you arrogant shit , ' for an answer ! " That was exactly the response that Joanna had given him , word for word , causing a ripple of laughter . She may have had the body of a young lady , and the face of an angel , but Joanna didn 't have the vocabulary to go with either of those ; her vocabulary was far closer to vulgar ladette , than to any sort of lady . Joanna went back to my place with me after the bar , and we sat , drank what little white wine I had left in my fridge , and talked , into the small hours of the morning . When we walked out to the taxi that Joanna had ordered , I felt as if I 'd known her since she was just a little girl . I wasn 't sure why , at the time , but I gave Joanna a twenty pound note to pay for the taxi . She hadn 't asked me for it , but I could spare it on my salary , far easier than I figured she could on hers , which wasn 't very good really . Twenty - six to thirty hours a week on minimum wage , ( at the lower rate due to her age , ) wasn 't exactly great , was it ? Her eyes lit up at the casual way I just gave away a twenty like that . After that , we met up a couple of nights a week ; sometimes going out for a drink with my friends , going to the cinema , or just sitting in front of my TV with a small bottle of wine and a big pizza . Sometimes we 'd go out with what few friends Joanna had , but I didn 't seem to be well received by them ; perhaps because of my age , or perhaps because I was monopolising Joanna 's time ; we weren 't sure , so we agreed not to do that , and to be honest , Joanna didn 't really seem to miss her friends anyway . Before too long , she wasn 't going home in a taxi on a night ; she was staying in my guest bedroom , and I was driving her home in the morning ; always after I made her breakfast . For the first time in my life , I was starting to develop feelings for another woman ; just a slip of a girl really , and at first , I was scared of what it might mean for me . Had I always been a bit bi - sexual , just not realising , or refusing to admit it ? Had it taken me that long to find a woman I could love , hoping that she just might love me in return ? I 'd had very little luck with boyfriends in the previous couple of years , so what did I really have to lose in trying to date a woman ? There was little I was willing to do at first , not even try to kiss the shy , yet gorgeous little thing . I was twenty - five and Joanna was still only sixteen , clearly too young for me to try anything on with , and that was only if she returned the feelings I was developing for her , and to fair , I doubted that . She hadn 't given me any indication of having any feelings for me . One Monday night , quite late , I was sitting in front of the TV , watching whatever crap was on it , bored half out of my skull , and suddenly there was a knock at the door . I wasn 't expecting any visitors , so I walked to the door and peered through the peep - hole , rather than open it . Standing on the other side of the front door was Joanna , without so much as a coat , in the pelting rain . I opened the door , and she stepped through , looked considerably distraught . I got her into the living room , and , as she was soaked to the skin and shivering , I gave her the glass of cognac I 'd only just poured for myself . Joanna knocked that back , coughing as the alcohol hit the back of her throat . Not really being sure of what to do after that , I offered her one of my bathrobes , and suggested that she go into the shower while I got her some clean , dry , clothes out of my wardrobe , which I left on the floor outside the bathroom . A few minutes later , Joanna appeared downstairs in my clothes , and I made her a cup of tea . She apologised for being a nuisance , and for arriving at such a late hour . Then she explained why . The previous weekend had been a birthday party for a friend of Joanna 's from work , which had been a pretty good party . Joanna had headed home in a taxi afterwards , having enjoyed herself . The idiot at work who had hit on her a few months earlier was telling everyone how she 'd left with him , and boasting that he 'd gotten her into bed and popped her cherry . That very morning at work , she 'd heard what he 'd been saying , and there had been an almighty bust - up , because he was clearly lying . She was quite sober when she left the party and got into her taxi to go home , and she knew that she 'd gone home alone , and with her cherry intact . That was sexual harassment , and Joanna complained about it to her boss , who didn 't really seem to be concerned about it . Truth be told , Joanna knew that she didn 't get the job due to her qualifications ; she hadn 't many of them after all . She got the job because she was eye - candy for the public ; she was there simply to draw attention . Joanna knew that she was there to persuade teenage boys and young men to eat at the place she worked , to stare at her , and for no other reason . If her boss wasn 't going to take her complaint seriously , then , quite understandably , she didn 't want to keep the job , so she stormed off home , and was intending to quit . Her adopted parents were insisting that she couldn 't just quit , because she clearly couldn 't afford that . She was too young to claim any benefits , so she 'd have no wages and therefore she 'd have no money , and they couldn 't afford to support her . Lying bastards that they were ; they had plenty of money and could easily give her financial support for the following few weeks or months ; I would have in their place . My parents had for me in a similar situation . They 'd even suggested that I chuck the job if I wasn 't happy in it . I wasn 't happy in it , but I was too proud to quit ; too proud to let that bitch beat me . So I stuck at the job , and she quit ! She started to cry on my shoulder , so I simply held her and let her cry . When she 'd finished crying , and I 'd dried her tears , I succumbed to the temptation to kiss her , right on those full , shapely , red lips . There was a little gasp of surprise from Joanna and she recoiled slightly from me . Panicked , I released her from my grasp , leaned back , and I can clearly remember sitting there , thinking , " Oh shit ! My reputation is going to go right down the … " That was as far as I got before Joanna leaned forward again and planted her lips onto mine . Joanna , on the other hand , was unmistakeably innocent . Clearly , as she was still only sixteen , we couldn 't take it much further , without me breaking the law , so when I found myself reaching for her tits , I pulled my hands back , not expecting that she would have realised what I was doing . However Joanna had noticed and she grabbed my wrists , placing both hands where I had intended to put them . Her tits were quite warm , through the thin cotton blouse she was wearing , firm and full , and they felt nice in my hands ; especially as she wasn 't wearing a bra , and I could feel her nipples pressing into the palms of my hands . As one of my ex - boyfriends had said about my own tits , " A nice firm handful to play with . " That was the first time I 'd fondled another girl 's tits , but it took me one step closer to understanding men . I realised why blokes enjoy fondling girls ' tits ; it feels nice to have a large pair , like Joanna 's in my hands . It 's also nice to know that the owner of them is quite happy letting you feel them . It is a sign that she thinks enough of you , and trusts you enough to permit it . Her hands found my tits and began to gently knead them , just the way men had done before , and the way I quite enjoyed . We broke the embrace , and neither of us really wanted to look into the other 's eyes for a while . " I can 't believe I just did that , " said Joanna , with a shy smile , " but I quite enjoyed it . " " I 'm having much the same thoughts , " I confessed . " I can 't believe that I just did it either , but I also enjoyed it . Does that make us lesbians ? " " I 've wondered that for a while , Katie . I don 't want you to take this the wrong way … but … I know that I 'm attracted to you . I 've never felt this way about anyone before , so I 'm not really sure what it means . I 've never had a boyfriend before , so perhaps I am a lesbian . You 've had boyfriends , so clearly you can 't be strictly a lesbian . Perhaps you 're a closet bi - sexual , just coming out , for the first time . " " You can stay as long as you like , " I assured her . " I won 't worry about my home while you 're here , and I 'll give you the spare set of keys , and the alarm code . You won 't steal anything will you ? " I asked with a smile on my face , to show that I wasn 't serious . She just smiled right back at me and said , " If you thought that I might be a thief , you wouldn 't have made the offer . You know that you can trust me , and you know that I won 't do anything to upset you ; don 't you ? Besides which , you know where I live ! You know where to send the police to have me arrested if anything goes missing . What time will you be home from work tomorrow ? I 'll have tea ready for you . " " Sponge ? " I laughed . " You 've told me that you 're attracted to me , and I 've told you that I feel the same about you . You 've grabbed my tits and stuck your tongue into my mouth , and I 've done the same to you . Obviously we can 't take it any further than that , without me risking arrest and imprisonment for unlawful sex with a minor ; assuming that was what you wanted . I feel like a stupid schoolgirl again for the first time in years . " Not really being sure of what to do , I stepped close to Joanna , stared into her lovely green eyes , and wrapped my arms around her . " Girlfriends ? " I asked . " Yes ! " was the emphatic reply , as she put her arms around my waist , and got a firm grip on my arse . " If I 'm still your girlfriend when I reach eighteen , I will want you to fuck me . In fact , if you want to fuck me before then , I won 't have you arrested . I 'll share your bed tonight if you 'll let me ; I 'm willing enough to let you have my cherry . " I felt tears in my eyes at that moment ; she was offering to sleep with me if I wanted , despite her age . " In that case , I 'll become the provider for myself and my partner . I have no debts , " I told her . " I inherited the house from an uncle , so I own it outright . I traded his car in for something more manageable , and still had some spare cash left . I have a good salary from my employer , and I will willingly support my first girlfriend , quite happily . I had already realised that I 'm at my happiest when you are around me , so if you want to stay permanently , then I want you to stay , but no fucking until you 're eighteen ; my conscience wouldn 't let me sleep with you until then . " She looked into my eyes , whispered , " Thank you Katie ; you won 't regret it . I promise you that you won 't , " and just burst into tears again . As she did that , I held her to me , aware of the firm grip she still had on my arse , and I wondered how the fuck I was going to explain to the girls , how , at just turned twenty - six , I had ended up with a sixteen year old girlfriend , who was moving in with me ! Later that day , I drove her to her parents ' house and we told them a partial truth . We told them that I was going to put her up until she could find a new job . They didn 't like it , and tried to convince her to go back to work , and stay with them . That attempt ended when I put them in their places . " Just because you are too tight to maintain your adopted daughter , don 't tar everyone with the same brush . She 's a good friend to me , and I , at least , will look after her . Do you know why she wants to quit that dead end job ? Some twat is claiming to have gotten her drunk and screwed her after a party and a bunch of twats are taking the piss , and you don 't appear to care in the slightest , about the slur on Joanna 's reputation , only being worried about your bloody bank balance ! You want to make her go back to that job , and you call yourselves parents ? If I had parents like you . I 'd disown the inconsiderate bastards ! I 'll take your daughter in to my home and I 'll and support her if you won 't . She can have my spare room until she 's working again , and can afford to rent herself a flat nearby . I have the money , and I 'm willing to spend it on a friend in need . I 'll buy her everything she needs because I can . I 'll pay for her to learn to drive , and I 'll get her a car to drive to interviews , if she hasn 't found work by then . She 'll need a good suit to wear , and I 'll supply her with that too . Why am I going to do this ? Because her own bloody parents won 't ! Despite her youth , she 's a good friend to me and she 's good company . " As Joanna 's adoptive father tried to interrupt me , I sort of ' stomped ' on him . " I 'm not finished yet , you tight fisted bastard ! No doubt you 're wondering what I 'm going to get out of the arrangement ? Jo 's offered to keep house for me ; wash , iron , cook and clean . She 's going to be the most expensive house - keeper I can imagine , but I don 't care ! She 'll be good company for me , and I 'm looking forward to that . I 'm single at the moment , after my last boyfriend dumped me for some dirty little trollop with king - sized knockers and knickers like a yo - yo . I wouldn 't get into his bed so he waved bye - bye to me , in favour of some cheap slag he picked up in a bar . She gave him the pox too , and it served him right . In fact , he reminds me of you ! " Neither of us had any real idea of what we were going to do in our new life as lovers . Obviously we couldn 't sleep together , because that was illegal , but we could be happy together anyway . The following morning I went to work after bunging a load of washing in the machine . When I got home , it was dried , ironed and folded , ready to be put away , and I was quite surprised . I hadn 't expected Joanna to have done all of that , and said so . She just smiled at me and said , " It wasn 't as if I had a great else to do , Katie . I can 't pay you board money , or pay a share of the domestic bills ; you won 't even let me fuck , so I thought that I may as well earn my keep the only way I can ; by doing housework . Let me do these things , please ; I 'll feel better if you do . " " A good wife ? You 're only sixteen , Jo , with a lot ahead of you yet . Just because we are attracted to each other , doesn 't mean we 'll be able to make it work out , but I will try my best , and I 'm sure you will too . I 'll try my hardest to be a good husband to you . Not that I have the slightest idea how to be , but I will try . " We were visited by Joanna 's parents after a few days . There 'd been no contact from her , and they accepted that she wasn 't going to move back in , so they came to see her . I suggested that she give them a tour of the house , to see what they would say . They seemed surprised that Joanna and I were sleeping in separate beds . It was clear that they thought I was sleeping with her already , despite her age , and didn 't make much of an effort to hide that fact . We both knew that if things continued the way they were , then it was only a matter of time until that started to happen . It was Joanna who put them in their places that time , and she lied through her teeth ! She told them I 'd taken her in because I was a good friend despite the short time we 'd known each other . I didn 't want to see her upset , and she 'd volunteered to be my housekeeper , as I had said a few days earlier , to pay her way , seeing as she had no money . She told them we weren 't lovers , which we really weren 't , back then . She pointed to pictures of my ex boyfriends on the shelves , to convince them that girls weren 't my thing , and they believed her . More fool them then ; especially if they couldn 't recognise the fact that the girl they 'd raised from the age of fourteen months , was lying to their faces with a smile on her lips . Less than ten seconds after they got out of the front door , we were kissing in the hall , and for the first time Joanna put her hands up my top and popped my tits out of my half cups , and began to caress them . She was turning me on , and I wanted to stop her doing that , because she was too young for me to have sex with . Normally when a man did that to me , we used to head for my bed , or his , depending on where we were , and we did it rather quickly . I tried to stop her , but she didn 't want to stop , and said , " Then I 'll keep my knickers on , and cross my legs , so no - one can accuse you of that . Let me play with your boobs for a while , baby , they feel so soft , and nice , under my fingers . " What could I say to that ? So we stayed where we were , like a couple of school kids , kissing and fondling each others ' tits , getting more and more turned on . I almost laughed when I felt Joanna clearly cross her legs as she stood in front of me . We both knew that we were going to have to stop soon , or who knew where it would end . I ended up breaking the embrace , trying not to hurt Joanna 's feelings , and stepped away from her . She took it quite well , knowing what had to be done , and we returned to the living room , and put some popcorn into the microwave , before putting on a movie . All we did after that was exchange the odd kiss , after agreeing not to grope each other 's tits for the rest of the night , and watch the film . As we tidied up and went to bed , Joanna said to me , " Goodnight Katie , I love you . " There ; one of us had actually said it , and it was out in the open . " I love you too , Joanna , " I replied . " Can we trust ourselves to share a bed do you think ? " Despite living with me , and doing all my domestic chores , Joanna wasn 't keen on asking me for anything , no matter how little it cost . There was a particular Saturday afternoon we 'd gone shopping , and I could see her eying up a particularly nice dress . I offered to buy her the dress , but she wouldn 't let me ; objecting to my spending a considerable sum of money on a dress for her , so I let it go . I bought her the dress the following Monday on my lunch break , and presented it to her that evening after we 'd had our tea . At first she didn 't want to accept it , but seeing as I wasn 't planning on taking it back , she accepted it eventually , and looked very nice in it too . It took me quite a while to convince Joanna that if she saw something she wanted , then all she had to do was say so , and it was very unlikely that I 'd refuse to buy it for her . For her seventeenth birthday , I paid the fee to get Joanna her provisional driving license , and booked her first twenty lessons with the instructor I learned from . I also added her onto my own insurance , and let her drive my car when we went out together . At first she was too worried about damaging my car to drive it , but as her confidence increased , she permitted herself to drive us around . Along with those , I also gave her a credit card on my own account , even though it took her months to actually put anything on it . " Easy honey ; you stick your tongue down my throat , and both hands up my t - shirt to grab my tits when one of them is looking at us . Demonstrate your lesbianism , and there 'll be lots of piss - taking going on by the time we leave . It 'll ruin his reputation entirely . " It took her most of the meal to find the nerve , but , blushing slightly , she did ! She leaned across the bench seat to kiss me , and for the first time in quite a while , I got myself vigorously groped in a public place . It made me feel so dirty , and it was great fun . We got banned from the fast food bar for life , but who the fuck even cared ? We could see no reason why we would want to go in there again anyway . When we got home , I gave the girl I loved something of a reward for her courage . I stripped myself naked from the waist up , the way she 'd been pestering me to do me to for a while , and I let her touch , feel and suck my tits , until they were sticky with her saliva , my sensitive nipples were sticking up , and her own blouse and bra were on the floor , and she was all but begging me to suck on her nipples the same way . She was blushing a little because she 'd never bared her tits like that for anyone . Going in the school showers after PE didn 't really count , because the girls didn 't really pay a great deal of attention to each others ' tits . Joanna didn 't worry about her tits back then , or so she 'd said . Given the size they were , she had nothing to be ashamed of , and nothing that the other girls would have taken the piss about , the way they did with girls with smaller tits . Yet she 'd never bared them to a lover , who was going to touch , feel and suck them , which was what I was intending to do . If I 'd had even a little less willpower , I 'd have had her knickers off , and she wouldn 't have even wanted to stop me ; feeling as wanton as I did . It was the first time since childhood that I had sucked on a pair of tits as well , and there was something indescribably sexy about doing so . I 'd sucked my mother 's as a baby , seeing as that was what they were intended for . My mother insisted on breast - feeding both my brother and myself , because that was what nature intended . We got to the turned on stage all too often , but with sufficient willpower Joanna reached her eighteenth birthday with her cherry intact , but we both wanted that to change soon after . There was one night , a few weeks before her birthday , after a night out on the town , we got home and she put a hand up my skirt , and , for the first time , quite unmistakably reached for my fanny through the gusset of my knickers . " You know , Katie , I think I 'm going to quite enjoy slipping my tongue into this little honeypot . Will you let me lick your fanny tonight , baby ? " " No Katie , I 'm too young to let you stick a strap - on cock into my fanny , if you owned one . I 'm not too young to lick yours , or let you lick mine . Please baby ; you know I want to lick you out ! " Her logic was good , and she was right on that score . I 'd let my first real boyfriend see and suck my tits at thirteen , and then he started to poke and lick my fanny when I was fourteen . At the same age I 'd first started sucking his cock and swallowing his spunk , so did it really make much difference if I licked Joanna 's fanny when she was still sweet , virginal seventeen ? " You 've had yours licked before though , haven 't you ? I 'm sure you 'll be able to tell me what to do , won 't you . I 'll do what you say . " I didn 't get the chance to use my tongue ; I was quickly but gently pressed up against the living room wall , and Joanna quite roughly yanked my knickers down around my ankles for me to step out of . She seemed quite surprised that I had shaved off all my pubes , so my fanny was bald . I 'm not really sure how I looked ; holding my skirt up out of the way , while directing my seventeen year old girlfriend in the art of fanny licking . When Joanna had given me a climax , and it was time for me to return the favour , she stood up and walked across the living room to the couch and lay back on it . Then visibly blushing with a mix of embarrassment and shyness , she hitched her skirt up and pulled her knickers down for me , exposing a triumphant red bush and a tight virginal fanny . She invited me to use my fingers on her fanny , to loosen it up for the dildo we were going to buy later on . Her fanny was wet and warm , and oh so tight around my fingers . Joanna 's sense of humour was great , but sometimes she picked the wrong subject . That day , after I 'd stuck two fingers into her fanny , she jokingly asked me how long it had been since a partner had begged me to get my knickers off , just to lick me out ; rather than actually have sex with me , which she did want to do , and would do when it was legal . I didn 't like the concept that I 'd made her beg for anything . I actually apologised if I 'd given her that impression . That wasn 't what I wanted her to think . " With the exception of sex before your birthday , I 'll give you anything you can reasonably want . That , I promise you , with all of my heart , " was what I told her that night . She asked me for one promise ; a nice simple one . " Poke my fanny every night , lover ? I 'll lick yours if you do . I want to be ready to be taken on my birthday . I want to be ready for you to enter me that very night , and not get hurt too much . " From then on we did the same virtually every night , yet we didn 't sleep in the same bed . In fact we didn 't do anything in either bedroom together , although we both admitted to poking ourselves during some nights , and imagining that it was the other one doing the poking . We deliberately refused to buy a strap - on dildo until the day of Joanna 's birthday , so there could be no temptation after a night out ; or after a night in for that matter . If we had nothing to use to have sex , then we clearly couldn 't have sex . Five weeks down the line , after a night out on the town , to celebrate Joanna 's birthday , we arrived home with only one thought on our minds ; sex ! I was going to claim Joanna 's virginity . We stumbled into my bedroom , literally tearing at each other 's clothes , until we were both entirely naked , and we reached for the double - ended dildo we 'd bought especially for the purpose that very afternoon . Joanna had already decided that I was going to be on top ; I was going to be the dominant partner , being the one who had a job . The facts that I was nine years older , four inches taller and twenty pounds heavier also had something to do with it . As I looked down at Joanna lying on what had just become our bed , she looked so small and vulnerable . It was a big bed in an equally big bedroom , and it dwarfed her five foot , three inch ; size eight , frame . I 'd never had sex with a woman before and it was a little strange , really burying my face in a hairy fanny and going at it for all I was worth with my tongue . It was also a lot of fun as I listened to Joanna whimpering . She smelled divine , and tasted the same way . I quite quickly realised that I liked the smell of what my first serious boyfriend called , " a dirty little girl . " I suppose he was right about me , too . At the age of fourteen , I was lying on his bed , bra and knickers in my handbag , skirt up around my waist and my blouse open , all of my girlie parts on display , ready to be touched , probed , licked or sucked , and they certainly were . I had been a dirty little girl , hadn 't I ? Originally , I 'd dropped my knickers for him as a Christmas present , and quite enjoyed having my fanny poked , so I continued to let him poke it on a regular basis . I 'd been getting my tits out for him for a few months by then already . What would his parents have thought if they 'd caught us at it ; their sixteen year old son with two fingers in his fourteen year old girlfriend 's fanny on his bed ? Let alone what they 'd have thought if they 'd seen him with his cock in her mouth , never mind actually spunking into her mouth for her to swallow . He wanted to put his cock in my fanny as well , but I wasn 't having that ; at fourteen I figured I was too young to screw . A few months later I made the mistake of letting him find out that my GP had prescribed me the oral contraceptive pill as a remedy for my headaches , so he figured that it would be safe to have sex me without risk of my becoming pregnant , and began to pester me for sex . I refused , and threatened to dump him if he didn 't stop pestering me . I made another mistake by promising him my unprotected fanny on the night of my sixteenth birthday , if we were still together , and on the condition that he gave me a good night out to celebrate . I got plenty of presents and a good night out , and was then taken to his brother 's flat , and shagged over the arm of the settee , because we weren 't allowed to use the bedroom . Not exactly what a teenage virgin should have expected for her first time , but it sufficed for both of us . Inconsiderate twat that he was , he boasted to everyone about what I had agreed to let him do , although if I had known what he was telling people , I may well have reneged on my part of the bargain . I had expected a little discretion , after all ! As it was , he got me home a bare five minutes before my midnight deadline , and as everyone found out within a few days , when I got there , I had no knickers on under my short skirt and my fanny was full to overflowing with his spunk . He claimed to be surprised that my parents hadn 't heard the filthy squelching noises from my well - spunked fanny as I walked into the house ! He 'd had his cock in my mouth as usual , but he wouldn 't spunk there . He said he was saving it all to put in my fanny , and as the boasts said , he spunked in there no less than four times , and apparently I looked so dirty as the spunk trickled out after he 'd squirted it into my fanny . He 'd wanted to me up the arse as well , but with a cock as big as his , I told him that that there was no way in hell he was doing that . I 'd been worried enough about its effects on my virginal fanny , and that was designed to have a cock shoved inside it ! It didn 't hurt though , and I was thankful for the time and effort he 'd lavished on my fanny for the previous eighteen months or so , making sure that I was ready to shag . As I said to him , nature didn 't give me an arsehole to have a cock shoved up it ; that was what Mother Nature designed fannies to do ! I 'd enjoyed my first ever shagging , so as long as I got more pleasure , he could give me a lot more of them . Within eight months of that night , I was single again . I went to his little flat to surprise him . I surprised both of them ! It was an unpleasant surprise for me too ; finding my boyfriend shagging a woman old enough to be his mother , on the living room floor ! To make matters worse , he wasn 't wearing a condom , so I had little idea of what he might have given me . I dumped him on the spot , despite his protests of it being the first time , and his pleading and his begging for a second chance . The odds of it being the first time were remote , and I 'd have had to have been a fool to believe him . Being a smart girls , I get myself checked out at the local pox - doctor , and and the tender age of sixteen , that was bloody humiliating ! I liked the unique odour of a wet fanny in front of my nose , and the taste of it on my tongue . She tasted so sweet too ! I understood why a fanny was often called a honeypot , because of the sweet taste of fanny - juice . I hadn 't been laid in more than a year and despite having Joanna 's tongue in my fanny every night for the previous few weeks , I was missing the sex . However , seeing as I was living with my girlfriend , I couldn 't cheat on her and go out to get laid . I wouldn 't anyway , because I 've been cheated on before , and I know how much it hurts . Besides which , I 've never done a one - night stand , just for the sex . Being licked out was all well and good , but nothing beats a long , hard cock , shoved as far as it will go . Well , I wasn 't going to miss it anymore , even if the cock was made of latex rubber . That night , just before we first made love , I promised to be very gentle with the young woman I was about to have sex with . I understood , the way no boy or man ever could , the feelings of anxiety a virgin girl often had . She was wondering about the sensation of having our new rubber cock inserted in her tight , virginal fanny . She saw that it was eight inches in length , and it looked positively huge . She was wondering where it was going to fit within her lower abdomen . Just as I had been many years ago , Joanna was anxious yet excited . She had reached the age where her partner could legally have sex with her , and that was what she wanted . To be fair though , she wasn 't the only anxious one in that bedroom . I was worried that I might unintentionally hurt her , as I pushed the rubber cock inside her . After I served Joanna breakfast in bed , I asked her what she wanted for afters . I got what I could only describe as a dirty laugh , and the answer , " I want to suck your boobs and lick your lovely bald fanny of course . Come over here and stick it in my face before you make love to me again . " I was still tired after the last night , but I performed like a good ' husband ' , and gave her another orgasm . We discussed how we were going to tell my friends about what we had become . We decided that a demonstration was the order of the day , so the next night out , in our usual club ; Joanna planted her mouth onto mine in full view of the entire group , and grabbed a good , double handful of my arse cheeks . There were no shocked gasps , the way I had been expecting . In fact , the only words were , " Right , that 's twenty quid you owe me , Maggie . " Clearly we 'd been sussed a while ago , but , much to my surprise , no - one seemed to care that I 'd morphed into a muff - diver . Joanna changed her surname by deed poll shortly after her adopted parents disowned her . She didn 't want to keep their name , to remind her of how stupid and hurtful they had been . It took her a while to choose a new name , and I was surprised when she asked my permission to take my surname . We were partners , so we may as well have the same names , even if we couldn 't marry . That brought tears to my eyes , as I realised what it meant . She had promised that she would be a good wife to me , and , like any good wife , she wanted to take my family name . Needless to say , I quite happily gave her my blessing to take my name if she wanted it . For her eighteenth birthday , I bought Joanna a convertible Nissan Micra , the glass roofed version , as she 'd only just recently passed her test . She liked Micras , seeing as that was what her driving instructor had , and what I owned , and let her drive , so it was what she 'd become accustomed to driving . The car wasn 't brand new ; an ex - demonstrator , about six months old , but it was still a nice looking car in a metallic dark green , complete with warranty and free servicing . It came out of my inheritance , and when Joanna took the keys from the salesman , the look on her face was worth every penny that car cost me . It was the best birthday present anyone had ever given her , and , as I had come to expect , Joanna cried . When I told her that I wanted to buy her a car , she was expecting something from a corner end used car place ; a few hundred quid , maybe a grand at the most . She sure as hell wasn 't expecting what she got ! Unfortunately , when she took the keys to the car , she had no insurance . I couldn 't insure it in her name without giving the surprise away . I had to drive it home for her , and then we got her insured to drive it , and I had forgotten just how expensive car insurance could be for the young , inexperienced drivers without any no - claims discount . Being adopted , Joanna has no idea about her real family . Had she been taken from them by social services because they couldn 't look after her ? Had they given her away voluntarily ? Or was she an orphan , with no family ? Prior to that day , she told me that I was the only family she needed , and had suggested that in a few years she would like us to adopt a child or two , to create a proper family . She insisted on adopting , rather than fostering , because she wanted us to keep the children for life , rather than just have different children for short times , before they went off to other homes . She wanted to be able to build a proper bond between the two of us and any children we adopted . I quite liked the idea of raising a couple of children the way I would have if I had married and let my husband make me pregnant . We classed the name change as our wedding day , and went off on honeymoon to Quebec , in Canada . While we were there , we underwent the Canadian wedding ceremony , even though it isn 't legally binding in this country . I made the hotel reservation at the hotel where I had been a couple of times for a girls ' holiday , and as usual , I had to spell my family name . My paternal grandfather was foreign you see . He 'd arrived in Britain in 1942 , a badly wounded P . O . W . from North Africa . His home was Hamburg , but when the war was over , he had nothing to go home to , seeing as his entire family had been killed by the Royal Air Force . When the war was over , he initiated a search for the nurse who saved his life , intending to thank her properly . A year or so later , they were married , and that is why my family name is Von Falkenhausen . My paternal grandfather had two sons , and taught them both their heritage . My father taught me my heritage and his language . My brother wasn 't really interested , thinking it was all old hat . That was why when our uncle died , single and childless , I got everything ; the house , the car and all the money , and my dip - shit brother got diddly - squat , and it served him right too ! My German is extremely good , I just have an accent . If it wasn 't for that , I could pass for a native . I 'm teaching Joanna , too , so that she can participate in the family debates . My father spent a short while in the army , and on his return from a tour of duty in Germany , of all places , he brought a pregnant , disabled wife home with him . That pregnancy was me , and was the death - knell of my father 's army career . The meeting between my parents was extremely unusual . My mother stepped onto a road without looking , and my father ran her over in an army - issue Land Rover . Even now , my mother jokes that my father could only get a wife by breaking her legs and knocking her out first . She was paralysed in the accident , and only had good use of one arm , so clearly she couldn 't raise a child too well from her wheelchair . Father got a special reasons discharge from the army , although he was quite happy there , to look after his wife and infant daughter . My parents never denied that both myself and my brother were accidents . Mother wasn 't really able to look after children , so they had decided not to have any . However , when mother fell pregnant , they were left with little choice . We haven 't seen hide nor hair of Joanna 's adoptive parents since she told them that we were lovers , and by now it doesn 't seem to bother her in the slightest . It did at the start , but she decided that if they didn 't want anything to do with her , she didn 't want anything to do with them either . She is not any kind of pervert ; she is a beautiful , caring young woman , and I love her . My own parents are quite understanding about the situation , and make Joanna feel quite welcome whenever we visit them , and they 're always friendly towards her when they visit us . It was going to be awkward when I explained things to them , so we went around to see them when we knew my brother would be absent from the family home . When we told them what was happening , my mother propelled her wheelchair over to Joanna , wrapped her up in her embrace and simply said , " Welcome to the family . " " The monsters ! " my mother announced . " You 'll always be welcome here young lady , if Katie 's out of the area on business . " That did happen on occasion , unfortunately , due to the job . When my boss went away on business , I often had to go with him , which was the downside of being a highly paid PA . There were times I 'd rather not have gone , but I didn 't really have much choice . I 've been to many foreign lands ; America , Japan , Germany , France , and even Russia . I was lucky in a way , and my partners never distrusted me while I was away with my boss . I wasn 't going to get up to any infidelity , for two reasons . My boss , at that time , was in his late fifties , ( way too old for my tastes ) , and had a rather attractive boyfriend of his own , many years younger than he was . As I said to Joanna , " I don 't do boys any more , and he 's never done girls , so that reduces the chances of adultery to just about zero , " although she never doubted my commitment to her . Joanna always trusted me to be faithful to her , and I always have been . I guess that my parents are just broader minded people , content to accept whoever I love and whoever makes me happy . They 've even started to jokingly refer to Joanna as my wife . I was a little surprised to hear them invite me to a family meal and instruct me to " bring the wife with you . " Joanna was over the moon with that , because it meant that she 'd been accepted by my family , in a way that her own either wouldn 't , or couldn 't , accept her . My parents can 't understand Joanna 's parents ' inability to accept her for what she is , because there 's no point in trying to change her . If being in a relationship with another woman is what makes her happy , then let her be happy . My brother , who had been making ' lemon ' jokes , for a few weeks beforehand , was staring daggers at me all night , because he was jealous of the young beauty that was quite willing to share my bed , when the time was right . Then again , considering some of the dogs he 's pulled in his time , it wasn 't exactly any surprise . Some of them were so ugly , the only reason he could possibly want anything to do with them , was that they were dirty slags after casual sex . That was often what I told him he was as well ; ' a dirty little blonde slapper , ' and he is too . He 's always been the sort to chase anything in a skirt , and probably always will . The old joke ' A fanny and a pulse ; and the pulse is entirely optional , ' certainly applies to him , because he will screw literally anything in a skirt , between the ages of sixteen and sixty . I hope for his sake that he stays away from Scotland ! Even the blokes up there wear skirts more than I do . Whenever I 'm in a relationship , I always wear trousers to work , to hide my legs . Joanna has always said that I have the most gorgeous legs she 's ever seen , and she asked me why I hide them from blokes ' eyes . I 've never really figured out why I do that , but it 's become a way for guys at work to tell that I 'm not available , and it 's also an old habit . My brother often used the family name as a tool in trying to pull ; seeing as it is an old aristocratic name , indicative of breeding , money and influence . Most of the time , it didn 't work . I used other methods . A pretty face , long blonde hair , a nice , shapely arse in a short skirt , and a pair of thirty eight inch tits in a short , tight top , and no bra , were far more effective at grabbing the attentions of the opposite sex , although I never fooled around on the first date . Blokes had to work to get me into bed , but sooner or later , I went , and I had my fun with them . None of them ever complained that I was a poor lay , and neither did my only girlfriend . I was never unattractive , but I 'm not up to Joanna 's standards of beauty ; not that it bothers her . In fact , she doesn 't like the attention she gets because of her looks , and her petite , hourglass figure , but she 's just going to have to accept the fact that she is going to get the attention , whether she likes it or not ; what with her forty inch tits in their DD cups , twenty - four inch waist and thirty - eight inch hips ; and the fact that she is simply downright , drop - dead , gorgeous . Blokes are going to be attracted to her looks and that is all there is to it , as are a few women as well . Such is the downside to being truly beautiful . When Joanna turned twenty - one , I took her shopping for a present suitable for her birthday . I also took her to the local office of social services and we registered ourselves as volunteering to adopt a child . As we 'd only been together for three years , they were reluctant , but Joanna gave them a little more to go on . " We 've actually been together a year and a half longer than that , but we had to sleep in separate beds due to my age . Isn 't four and a half years enough to develop a loving relationship , to raise an abandoned , neglected , or abused child in ? I was adopted myself , so I know how it feels to be raised by people who aren 't your own family . When I told them that I was a lesbian , they disowned me , and I intend to do better than that ! " After almost nineteen months , our names came to the top of the adoption list , and we adopted a little baby girl , Daniela , only a few weeks old . She 'd been abandoned by her mother in a hospital car park on a summer 's night , with a note explaining things . Seeing as her mother wasn 't traced , she went into the adoption program , and came to us . Now we are parents , and it still feels a little funny to me . We vowed to ourselves that we would be good parents . Danni grew up with us and started to address Joanna as " mummy , " and that was wonderful to hear . Yet again , little Miss . Sensitive Soul broke down into tears when that happened . Obviously , Danni will have to be told the truth at some point , and that 'll be rather hard for us to do , I think , but we 'll have to do it . It 'll only be fair to her after all to tell her the truth ; that mummy isn 't mummy . Joanna is a first class mother ; no doubt about that . She took to the role like a duck to water . Whenever Danni woke up in the middle of the night in need of changing , or wanting feeding , Joanna was there ; no complaints , or curses . She wouldn 't let me do anything at times like that ; " Get some sleep baby , you 're the worker . I 'm the mother of the two of us , and this is my responsibility , " was the sort of thing she 'd say to me if I volunteered to help , or take over from her , so I stopped volunteering . One day I remember in particular . Joanna was in the shower and Danni started to cry . I did all that I could think of but I couldn 't get her to settle . She didn 't need changing , and she didn 't want feeding , so I was unable to figure out what to do . After a few minutes , Joanna walked into the room and said , " It 's ok baby - kins , mummy 's here now . " By the time she picked Danni out of my arms , and rested her in the crook of her right arm , the screaming baby was silent ! Her A - levels followed , she did well on those too . She wants to go to university soon , and get more qualifications , and meet more people . She didn 't have many friends when I met her , but now she 's doing far better at being outgoing , even if most of her friends from college are noticeably younger than she is . She is the group 's matriarch due to her age , and even she finds that to be funny . Read 14352 times |
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Welcome ! I am glad you are here . Join me with a cup of your favorite beverage and see what is going on in my life and what is on my mind . I would love to have you join my site and you can do that on the left side where it says ' followers ' . And please leave a comment ! Thanks for visiting . I was up at 5 Friday morning and had everything ready , had my mug of coffee , and waited for the gals to come . A car finally arrived , but only one gal came in . It seems the other gal forgot about meeting that day ! So we had a short chat and she went back home , and later I went back to bed for a little while . I couldn 't be in bed too long as I had an appointment at 11 at the eye doctor for a glaucoma pressure check after using some eye drops for a month . Everything was good with that . Then I headed for Walmart to pick up a few things like milk and cereal that I was out of . I didn 't get many things but it still added up to $ 45 . I can remember when I could get a whole cart full for only $ 12 . Those days are long gone ! Then I needed another long nap because I had a big day coming up on Saturday . I was going to drive back to the town I lived in for 10 years and where my kids all graduated from high school . I was meeting two second cousins who were driving there from several miles east of there , and together we visited with my elderly cousin . I don 't have very many cousins left , and I had not seen him for a long time . We had a wonderful time visiting and talking about the old days and what he could remember of growing up , and of our grandparents . And we looked at old pictures , those that he had , and the ones of relatives that we brought along . Time went far too quickly ! I also spent a little time in the cemetery there , and located my grandparent 's grave stones . I remembered about where they were but had not been there for so many years that it took a bit of slowly driving around before I finally found them . With great difficulty walking over the rough ground , I managed to hobble over there and took a couple of pictures . I plan to enter them on findagrave . com soon , as I am surprised they were not already there . I was really glad to get back to the car again , and decided walking in cemeteries is no longer possible for me right now . Therefore I did not even get out to my husband 's grave to put flowers this year . I think the next time my daughter comes I will have her do it for me , although she has a really bad knee right now too . She had injured it at work a few weeks ago and it still is not doing so well . With all that activity I was totally worn out on Sunday , and I slept very late in the morning , and took a few long naps during the day . As my niece likes to say , " Getting old is not for wusses . " My suggestion to you - take care of yourself when younger , eat right , exercise . If you are overweight now , get down to normal weight . If you don 't you will regret abusing your body at a younger age . It may not have bothered you much then , but you will pay for it when you get older . Hear ? ? May 17 seems like a long time ago right now . I had written about that time that I was preparing for my kids to come visit , and had some things I wanted them to do for me . On the 17th , a Saturday , I spent several hours making potato salad , cole slaw , thawing chicken breasts and boneless thighs , and mixing up a pot of baked beans to put in the crock pot on Sunday . Then I baked a Marie Callendar pumpkin pie that I had bought on a good sale earlier . Thank goodness for my rolling stool or I would not have been able to do it . I was even able to get all the dishes washed the same day , and that is usually impossible for me to have enough energy left to get done . As it turned out , it was a VERY good thing those dishes were washed . Because . . . . I woke up Sunday morning with wet carpet in front of my bedroom closet ! The water heater , in the closet , had sprung a leak . Always on Sundays , right ? ? The landlord and the plumber had both already left for church but I called both and left messages . It is good that the water was not gushing out like happened on a heater in another house years ago . No , just sort of a slow leak , but getting worse . So that meant I had no hot water , and no water at all except for the kitchen sink , while my kids were here . We had to fill a pail with water in order to flush the toilet while they were here . And it meant that first of all , I had to pull everything out of the closet that was on the floor , thankfully all in plastic , and move the hanging clothes all to the other end so the landlord could get in there to work . So he was in and out all afternoon and evening while my kids were here . Can you tell that having that water heat leak at some time was on my mind ? Otherwise I probably would not have had everything in plastic but cardboard instead , or loose on the floor . That still left me with soggy carpet in spite of him using his shop vac and my son getting out my carpet shampooer and sucking water up with that . It was still very wet . I finally had to get my old table fan out from the garage that had about 8 years of dust and cobwebs on it . So first , I had to give that a good cleaning , and then set it on the floor aiming it into the closet and set on oscillating . Had to run it for about 3 days before I finally felt that it was dry enough . I am still slowly sorting through things and putting them back in the closet . Am putting the hanging clothes in order with all the sweat shirts on one end , and the summer tops in the middle where they are the handiest for me to reach . I still have a little more to do with that also . I feel like I am working at a turtle 's pace , and I am . But it will get done , hopefully by the end of this week . I guess I took this picture because of the kitty on the chair . But what I want you to see is the old console radio . It was a Philco . And the clock on top is an electric chime clock . I still have the clock , but the chimes don 't work anymore . The room they are in is the dining room . That radio was always on before we got television . I used to come home from school and lay on the floor in front of it , listing to Roy Rogers show , Gene Autry show , The Shadow , Fibber McGee and Molly , Queen for a Day , and many more . Soap operas started on the radio before moving to television , and I always listened to those too . That is where I first got hooked on the soaps . As a teenager I listened to the Top 20 - the most popular songs for the week . The door in the picture is the stairway to the bedrooms upstairs . Those were narrow steps as I remember . And unheated , of course . In the winter time you hurried to get to the bedroom where it was slightly warmer . Going through some old albums I found this one picture of the old cob burning cook stove we had in the kitchen . Mom also had a more modern gas range on the other side of the kitchen , but she used the old cookstove quite often , especially in the winter as it warmed the kitchen up . There was no heat in the kitchen otherwise . The house had two large kerosene burning space heaters , one in the living room and one in the dining room . The stovepipes went up through the floor of the two bedrooms upstairs , then out through the roof . In the floor around the stove pipe was something like a register . It had holes in it that allowed the rising heat from the heater to come up into the bedroom and provided a little bit of heat up there . Not much , but it helped . They could be closed if the rooms were not used . It still amazes me how women were able to bake accurately in these stoves . They had to know how many cobs or how much wood to put in the firebox to keep the oven at the right temperature . Mom heated the wash water for laundry in an old copper boiler on top of the cookstove . There was also a water reservoir on the right end , so as long as there was fire in the stove we had warm water . The reservoir is behind me and the dog , Taffy . That is the last dog I had on the farm before we moved to town in 1961 . And Mom was still using that cookstove until then as well . She may have been the last one in the area to still use one . On the other side of that window is an enclosed porch . That is where the old wringer Maytag washing machine and rinse tub sat . And there was a chest freezer at the other end . Before we got the freezer Mom rented a freezer space in the local town locker inside the butcher shop . They used that mostly when they would butcher a whole beef or hog . Town was only a couple miles away , but what an inconvenience having to run to town to get the frozen meat for a meal . That freezer also held the home butchered chickens I have shown you wedding pictures of many of my ancestors earlier on this blog , but this one was missing . This is my dad 's parents , Aielt and Aleida . I had been asking other relatives if they had a copy and I finally found a second cousin that had this one . It has had some damage but at least the faces show up in good condition . They look so young , don 't they ? So I had to look it up . She is 18 and he is 21 . That is exactly the same age I and my first husband where we we got married ! I think this is one of my best pictures . At least it is the one I like best . It was taken in 1991 , less than 2 years after Les and I were married . We didn 't have an official wedding portrait done , so when the church did a new picture directory , this is the closest we can consider for that occasion . This dress is not the one I wore for the wedding . I wish I could still get my hair to look like that again ! Age changed things . Jentezen Franklin is another tv preacher I have watched a few times . One of his sermons was titled " The God of What 's Left " and that caught my attention . You can watch videos of his sermons , or watch pod casts here . Check the TV schedule for channels that might carry his program , or watch it on TBN on Sundays at 8 : 00 am CT , or Monday nights at 8 : 00 pm CT . The devil takes from you , but God does not allow him to take everything . There will always be a " stump " left . God will cause that " stump " to flourish . Trust God to do what He promises . Look at Job . Job lost everything - his livelihood , all his children died , and he lost his health . All he had left was his faith in God . God is the God of what you have left . Restoration begins in your head . Ashes are what you have left after the fire . If you throw the ashes in the air toward God , they will come down and cover the enemy . After Job lost everything , but still trusted God , God blessed him with much more than what he lost . After you have been through a trial and feel like you have lost everything , don 't lose hope , and don 't lose your faith in God because He has not left you . He has left a ' stump ' to sprout new growth . God prunes us and gets rid of what is not beneficial to our producing fruit . When He uses that pruning shears it hurts ! It leaves a wound , but then a scab grows over it and it doesn 't hurt as much , and eventually it leaves a scar . That scar is a reminder , but it no longer hurts . And now something new can start growing and take us a new and better direction . I know this is true . I have seen it happen in my life , and I am better for it . It hasn 't been easy , but it has been blessed . Never ever give up hope in what lies ahead . I often talk about the house I lived in with my husband , and the house I was forced to move out of almost 8 years ago . I did show you some pictures of the inside earlier . This is the pretty side of the house . I guess it is actually the ' front ' door , but it faces the side yard . I loved the vines that crawled up on the brick . In the fall , as this picture shows , they turned such pretty colors . Every fall my husband pulled the vines off of the house and cut them close to the ground . One year I made several wreaths out of the vines by wrapping them around a pail . They were not grape vines but did resemble them , right down to the little curlyque tendrils in places . I still have a few of them . And this is the ugly side of the house ! It faces the business district . Those windows behind the awnings were where my husband 's first wife had her beauty shop . They were two small room . The washing station and styling chair were in the room on the left , and the hair dryers were in the room on the right . After we got married he sold the equipment and made a sitting room and office which worked out well . Les that ugly patchwork looking rock facade on after I met him , but before we got married . He did NOT ask my opinion ! ! I would have chosen something much different . He had that done after he discovered a leak . I think he just needed to have it tuck pointed and the leak would have been fixed . But he had his own ideas . You can see that we did not have a very pretty view out our back door . Grain elevators . During harvest time they were very noisy because of the corn dryers working all night long . And red corn chaff would blow all over and be like red snow on everything . I don 't miss that at all ! I am still just close enough that I can hear the corn dryers if I listen close enough , but at least they aren 't right outside my bedroom window . She gave birth to 7 children , and the 5th weighed 11 pounds at birth ! That is according to a newspaper announcement . Unfortunately that baby died about a month later . He seems to be the only one that was born in a hospital . All the rest were born at home . Women had to be tough in those days . Her babies were born between the years of 1908 - 1923 . This poor tattered scrapbook is one my mother did in 1941 . It is actually a diary with pictures and mementos of the trip my parents took to Washington and California to visit relatives . They made quite a tour of it as they came back to Iowa via New Mexico and toured the Carlsbad Caverns . They were gone from December 3 , 1940 through January 16 , 1941 . I am sure it must have been the first big trip either one had ever taken . As a kid I was always a bit miffed that they didn 't wait until I was born and old enough to be aware of the sights to take such a trip ! This is the first page . You can see how badly it has deteriorated over the years . The car in the picture is the one they drove on this trip - a 1936 Chevy coupe . She wrote that they drove a total of 6 , 243 miles on this trip . Can you imagine ? It is probably a good thing they went in the winter , as the desert would have been unbearable without air conditioning in the hot summer ! Mom kept record of a lot of details which makes it very interesting reading . I just wish she had written in ink and not pencil as some of that has faded out as well . And you can see that some of the pictures have fallen out over the years too . As a kid , this was my favorite page ! This old postcard would meow when you pressed the red dot under the cat 's chin . That no longer works . I guess either I or my kids wore it out . Look at those bright green eyes ! I guess one of these days I should transcribe what Mom wrote so the story can be preserved . Add that to my long list of ' to - do ' items . Oh , why didn 't I think to do this years ago ? ? This is a drawing of my oldest grandchild , Jeff . He will be 31 this month ( I think ) . I lose track of time and years . My youngest daughter knew a guy that did this kind of work , so gave him Jeff 's senior picture and ended up with this . She gave it to him as a graduation gift . I really like this . I need to sit a bit and take a break . I have been working on my laundry closet . I only call it the laundry closet because it is across the room from the washer and dryer . The only thing in the closet that is even remotely connected to laundry is the extra jug of Tide that I bought some time ago when it was on sale for a really good price and I bought two . It really holds things that I don 't know where else to put them , including the carpet shampooer , season items , shelves with Bible study reference books , tools , humidifier , among several other things . It was long past the time that the closet should have been cleaned out , and it probably would not get done now if the kids were not coming . I don 't have time to do a proper cleaning or organizing in there this week , but at least I got the things out that need to be out , and the rest put back in a reasonable fashion . I did not take time to get a before picture taken , but I will try to get a picture of all that is going out , if I don 't forget later . Right now I just need to rest . I am also watching other people work outside the window . I love watching other people work . < grin > My neighbor that hauled in loads and loads of dirt is now having his patio done . There are guys out there putting in forms for cement and now have dumped sand in and packing that down . I hate to say it , but I would make that patio larger if it were me . It always seems that they are never big enough once you start using them . The same with porches . Back to decluttering . I was reading A Slob Comes Clean early this morning and she mentioned something I should listen to . She had a collection of pictures and signs she planned to put on the wall once she had the ' perfect ' arrangement and the ideal place to put them . They were scattered here and there and a mess . So she finally decided to ' just hang them ' ! She dusted them off and hung some up on nails that were already in the wall . The rest she set around on shelves and wherever she could find a place to display them . So now they are visible even though they are not in their final places . I know exactly what she is talking about ! I had many wall things either still in boxes or in drawers or standing on the floor along side a piece of furniture , but out of the way ( until time to clean ) that used to hang in the other house , but I had not found the right spot in this house . One day I got tired of moving some of them to clean , so told myself I just needed to find a place for them or get rid of them . So I did get several hung up . I still have two that are sitting on the floor next to this computer desk , plus two ' new ' ones that I really want to hang . Those last two I just recently framed of my mother 's baptism and confirmation certificates . They are really large for certificates . One took a 16x20 frame and the other a 12x16 frame . They are beautiful pieces of artwork and calligraphy , not to mention the sentimental value . So I am adding that to my to - do list for my kids to do while here . That list keeps growing and they are not going to be here very long , and we need time to visit . So it will be interesting to see how much we get done . Now I better get busy again . I still have lots to do before my Bible study meets here early tomorrow morning . ( groan ) I am writing this Thursday , so Bible study is Friday morning , not the day after this is published . I have been neglecting Faith Friday for quite awhile . Genealogy got in the way , folks . But I have been collecting notes along the way . I just didn 't find the time to formulate my thoughts enough , nor find the time to write . I have been blessed by a few sermons I heard by tv preachers in the last few weeks . I recently discovered James Merrit on Touching Lives . He started a new series on marriage entitled " The Knot " Here are a few of the notes I made , though there is much more valuable advice than what I got written down . I finally went to the website and found videos of the shows , so you can go here if you want to hear more . The first of the series starts with " Bound " on April 27 , 1914 . This is the one I talk about today . You can see Touching Lives on TBN Sunday mornings at 7 : 30am CT . When we get married we call it ' tying the knot . ' We need to bind our marriage with the sailor 's knot . This knot is used to hold the boat to the dock or pier , and it will hold through the strongest storms . The more storms and water that the knot goes through , the tighter it gets . That is what marriage needs when things get tough , when life gets hard and there are many problems to deal with . That is when the knot should get tighter to hold it all together . If the wrong knot has been tied , it won 't hold , and the marriage falls apart . I could write my own thoughts as a sermon , but I will stop here . I think there is enough food for thought here that needs to be digested . It seems too many marriages are tied with a slip knot . Do you need to take the time to retie your knot and make it a sailor 's knot ? This picture does not do justice to the beautiful colors of the sunset . I am actually looking south , not west . I have always enjoyed the beautiful colors of sunsets . The few sunrises I have been up to see are also pretty . But you know I am not a morning person . I should have thought to take a picture of the western sky last evening as the sky was a very bright neon orange . I actually don 't get to see much of the sunsets since I live on the east side of town and have a large two - story house next door that hides much of it . But this time of year the sun sets more in the northwest and the house next door is not in the way . I need to keep my camera handy and remember to take more sunset pictures when they are spectacular . Everybody has a story . Many years ago , if I had been asked to tell my story , I would say that I didn 't have one . There was nothing out of the ordinary in my life , or so I thought . Or I wasn 't willing to tell my story when my marriage was in big trouble . I didn 't want anyone to know what was happening behind closed doors . I pretended my life was good . I didn 't want anyone to know that my husband had had an affair and was going to leave us . We all have secrets . Now , as you can probably tell , I am an open book . I have shown you some of my dirty secrets here . I mean real dirt . You saw my cluttered pantry . Then I showed you my clean and organized pantry . And now it needs to be done again , as well as all my other closets . On one of Joyce Meyers programs she talked about when we have tough life problems and how we handle them . And we all have times like that . She told a story of parents with a lovely little boy who was so delightful and smart and showed videos of his story . Then he became sick with a genetic disease that destroys the nerves of the central nervous system . It was devastating . He soon lost his ability to walk well , and then couldn 't walk at all . Later he lost his eyesight . I don 't remember the age of the boy , but he was little . I would say he was between 3 and 5 years old . How frightening that had to be for him . It was tough . And it was hard on his parents . First , I am an only child . Yes , I did have my parents , and childhood friends , but that is not the same as having siblings . Life is very different as an only child , some good , some not so good . Then I got married when I was still 18 , and had 3 babies within 5 years . Now I am no longer alone , but whew ! I sure didn 't know how to deal with kids and the problems they bring to the mix . And then my parents died when I was 24 and 28 years old . And I have three kids that I need advice about bringing them up . No parents , no grandparents , no siblings to ask what I should do . And my husband was no help either . I had friends but not the kind I could ask those kinds of questions . Alone . And I tried to handle it all . . alone . I didn 't do a great job , but I could only do what I knew at the time , and that wasn 't much . Where was Dr . Phil when I really needed him ? ( or the internet ) Alone . A husband that was there physically , but not emotionally . A husband who decided to give his love and time to another woman for a time . Another huge problem that I had to deal with alone . No parents or siblings to take my problems to , and I sure wasn 't going to go to my husband 's mother or sister . The marriage died and we separated after 25 years . The kids were now out of school and working jobs . Alone . I finally found a full time job , and after 2 years I was in danger of losing that job , not because of anything I did wrong , but what would I do if I didn 't have a job so I could afford rent , etc . ? No one I could go to for help . Alone . Then I met a man who became my husband and we eventually married . No longer alone . Oh , but after 15 years he died of pancreatic cancer . Alone . His daughter and family no longer kept in contact once he was gone and the estate settled . Alone . My kids are scattered all over the country - Wisconsin , Virginia , Seattle , and the closest at Omaha is 160 miles away . I don 't see them very often , and they aren 't here when I need help . Alone . I seem to be destined to be alone . But since I was an only child , I learned to entertain myself . I developed several hobbies . Actually too many hobbies ! I like to read books and watch television . And now that I have a computer , I can reach out and contact many people that I had lost contact with , both friends and family . I have made new friends online and that is wonderful . But I am still alone . Do I mind being alone ? Sort of , but not really . And I am not really alone . God is here . He is with me all the time . He has taken care of me . I see that as I look back on my life . He has guided me even when I didn 't ask for guidance . He has a plan for me and He has worked out my life to get me to where He wants me . It hasn 't always been pleasant . It hasn 't been easy . But now I can see why things happened to get me to this place . I have no doubt why I am at this place . I was always concerned if I would have enough money to live if I was alone and unable to work . But God has taken care of me in every way . He has seen to it that I have had enough money to survive . He has even seen to it that I received sums of money from unexpected places and people . He saw to it that there was the perfect house available for rent just at the time I was forced to move , and at lower rent than any other place available in town . People in my church have helped in so many ways . Many men and women saw to it that I got moved which was amazing ! There has always been someone ready to help when I asked , and some have even helped out in answer to a prayer that I had not even uttered yet ! Yes , God takes care of His people . Don 't ever doubt it . I shared my mother 's favorite cinnamon roll recipe some time ago . They were made the old fashioned way , and I know some of you still prefer to make bread and rolls that way . But all that mixing and kneading doesn 't work so well with my wrists and the arthritis at the base of my thumb , so I have the bread machine do all that for me . It might take a little longer but it works really well . Some of you have the big stand mixers with the dough hooks and I have an old style one that has them too . I did use it to make bread dough when it was new , but now it is old and the speed is unreliable . I think it has something to do with a rheostat , and not worth fixing since I don 't do a lot of baking these days . I do like making cinnamon rolls the easy way with the bread machine and I found a recipe that I like quite well . Some time in the mid - to - late 1990 's I ordered a small bread machine cookbook called " Fleischmann 's Yeast Bread Machine Favorites " I don 't know if it is still available . I just checked the Fleischmann 's Breadworld website and did not see any mention of it , nor is this recipe among the ones they have on the site . But I did see several yummy sounding recipes that I might have to try , so you might like to check it out as well . http : / / www . breadworld . com The recipes in this book have amounts for both 1 pound loaves and 1 1 / 2 pound loaves . My machine makes 1 1 / 2 pounds . I don 't know if you can even buy bread machines that only make the 1 pound anymore . Many of them now make 2 pounds , so if that is what you have , you will have to figure out how to make adjustments , unless it will also make the 1 1 / 2 pound . If anyone wants the 1 pound recipe , just ask me for it . Awhile back I got hungry for cinnamon rolls , so I made a pan full . My intention was to blog about it right away , and I remembered to take pictures , although I did not remember until 3 had been eaten . According to the date stamp on the pictures , that was back on April 12 . My goodness , time does flit away . You might guess that I got involved again with genealogy research , and when that happens , nothing else matters . I am rather proud of how uniform I managed to get the slices without measuring before I cut ! I also do not roll out the dough with a rolling pin . I just push it out with my finger tips , pushing out any big air bubbles as I go . I start in the center of the dough and work toward the edges . Later I decided I wanted them a little sweeter , and I was pretty sure I had a can of frosting in the pantry . Sure enough , after a little digging I came up with a can of cream cheese frosting . Perfect ! As you can see , I wasn 't aiming at making them look pretty , I just wanted them to taste good . And they did ! So here is the 1 1 / 2 pound recipe for the rolls ~ ~ Add dough ingredients to the bread machine pan in the order suggested by the manufacturer . Select the dough / manual cycle . When cycle is complete , remove dough from machine to a lightly floured surface . If necessary , knead in enough flour to make dough easy to handle . If dough is too elastic , cover and let rest for 10 minutes before shaping . Meanwhile , for filling , stir together almonds , the 1 / 4 cup sugar , and cinnamon . Divide dough in half . Roll half of dough into a 9x8 inch rectangle . Spread with 1 tablespoon softened butter . Sprinkle with half of the filling mixture . Beginning at long end , roll up tightly as for jelly roll . Pinch seam to seal . With sharp knife , cut into 6 equal slices . Repeat with remaining dough , butter , and filling . Place all the rolls , cut sides up , into one greased 9x9x2 inch baking pan . Cover dough and let rise in a warm , draft - free place until almost doubled in size , 20 to 30 minutes . Bake rolls at 350 F for 25 - 30 minutes or until done . Cool slightly ; remove from pan . Drizzle Glaze over warm rolls . Serve warm Makes 12 rolls . Here are some of the changes I made . I often use part whole wheat flour , usually 1 1 / 2 cups of the total amount of flour , and the rest is white bread flour . I measure out the 1 1 / 2 cups plus the additional 1 / 3 cup white flour . Or I will just use 1 cup whole wheat flour to 2 1 / 3 cups white . Either way is good and it isn 't that noticeable to the eye . I do not bother to divide the dough in half and roll out 1 / 2 at a time . I leave it in one piece , then cut into 12 pieces . I have never tried to get all twelve into a 9x9 pan ! As you can see , mine filled the 9x13 Pyrex dish . If any of you try the 12 in the 9x9x2 pan , tell us how it worked , please ! I always let bread do the last rise in a slightly warm oven with the light on and that always works well for me . I turn the oven on at the lowest temp for just a few minutes , and turn it off before putting the bread or rolls in . Leaving the oven light on also gives off a little heat . Tulip time . I should say , Tulip Festival time . Every spring a neighboring town , Orange City , Iowa , has a 3 - day celebration called Tulip Festival . This year it is May 15 - 17 . Orange City is proud of its Dutch heritage and show it off during this time . The pictures I show here are not recent . I am not sure what year - late 50 's or early 60 's I am guessing . There are two parades each day , afternoon and evening . The parades start with street washing . You know , the Dutch are noted for their cleanliness ! As the above picture depicts , the men , in authentic Dutch clothing , dip their buckets into the stock tanks filled with water along the parade route . They then throw the water out on the street . Even the little boys , and boys of all ages are out there with their small pails . Then the women and girls come along with their big street sweeping brooms and scrub the street clean . They also wear authentic Dutch clothing . I almost forgot . They also all wear wooden shoes . Once the street is clean the parade can begin . The event has changed a little over the years as new things are added to the festivities . And the city now requires each business building have a Dutch facade to make the town resemble a village in Holland . They had not done this yet when these pictures were taken . There are thousands of tulips planted all over town , and hopefully in full bloom during this time . Last year and this year the city fathers have been concerned that they would not be blooming in time because of our late springs . I know my few tulips are just barely showing a bud stalk , and a long time before they bloom . But there are early bloomers that might be ready in time . The high school band is the only band in America that marches in wooden shoes . They have been invited to march in the Rose Bowl Parade twice now , and have done other traveling appearances over the years . The Rose Bowl Parade is long and those wooden shoes wear out before they are finished , so they have people along the route with extra shoes so they can switch them . They also wear several pair of socks - all at once - in order to prevent blisters and provide a little bit of comfort . It is NOT fun to march in wooden shoes ! ! It may be a little hard to tell since you aren 't familiar with the house and yard , but 6 loads of black dirt was hauled in yesterday . I wish I had taken pictures of that . There were long rows of piled dirt from the front sidewalk to beyond the back end of house , plus along the driveway in front . The neighbor attached 3 window wells - the brown patches on the black foundation . You can see those windows in the earlier picture . The previous owner had leveled the front lawn , and then there was a big dip down at the corner in the left side of the picture which is hard to see here . It was impossible to mow and ended up being weeds more than grass . Now that is all filled in and the side yard is raised to about level with the tops of those windows . He still has two piles of dirt to take care of . My yard is the green grass and goes as far as the dirt . Actually some of that dirt is on my yard . If I owned it I would say something about it . I am sure the neighbor will take care of it by the time he is done , but the lawn boy had a bit of a problem mowing yesterday . You can see my huge maple tree in the bottom picture , but you can 't see how far out the branches extend - over my house and my garage , and over the neighbor 's yard . The tree he took down was the same kind , but not as many trunks . Mine actually looks like it was 4 trees that grew too close together . And right now it is raining . Thank goodness it is a very light rain or that dirt could be washing out and down to the back yard . The birds are sure enjoying looking for bugs and worms in that fresh dirt . I have even seen a couple of birds that I have not seen before , nor identified , as they were here and gone so quickly . Earlier in the blog I talked about my mom in the 1920 ' sand talked a bit about the flapper era . I mentioned the clothing styles they wore . In one of my internet groups we discussed how women rarely wore slacks of any kind when I was younger . They wore dresses even at home and to work around the house . Yesterday I was going through the online newspaper archives of my home town , looking for items about my ancestors and extended family , and I read some very interesting stories about other people . Plus I saw these clothing ads in the 1921 papers . I thought you might enjoy them as much as I did . This first one is showing a HOUSEDRESS . There is a good description below the picture that you will want to read . " They come back from their tubbings fresh and crisp . " I never thought about my laundry as ' tubbings ' . I wonder what colors this dress came in . I love gingham , and assume the plain yoke , sleeve edges and belt were blue chambray . I think it is rather cute myself . I think I want mine in pink gingham w / light blue chambray . The second ad shows several styles of 1921 coats . Nice price as well , but I think it might have been a little costly in those days . Price is always relevant to the times . Check out those hats too ! I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures . They are old photos taken of the old newspapers and then digitized so many of them did not turn out well . I love the name of that store , too . See ? They even changed spelling way back then . I know some people gripe today because signs do not spell words " properly " , such as drive - thru instead of drive through . There was a pool hall in this same town called The PlaMor . They wanted you to come in and ' play more ' . " Kash Savin Stor " , might be a good name for one of the discount stores today , don 't you think ?
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But that 's my story , and I 'm sticking to it ! 2011 wasn 't a banner year . Here 's hoping that 2012 is better . Happy New Year , all ! I was trying to take some pictures of the Christmas lights on Main Street to post on Life in Altamont this morning at a little after 6 o ' clock . I parked my truck in what is considered a parking spot uptown and stood on the dashboard to take the picture . I heard a car pull up next to me and I didn 't even have to turn around and look to know that one of our local policemen was " investigating " what I was up to . Really ? You couldn 't see I had a camera ? I have to wonder where the local cops are while our soda machines at the grocery store are getting broken into ! Tuesday a woman came in the store and asked if we sold red Solo cups . " No " , I told her , " but we have red Hytop cups " . ( Our store brand ) . She looked at them and said , " I 'm not sure these will work " , and she left . I found it a bit strange . Then , Tuesday night as I watched Glee , much to my surprise , they performed a song called " Red Solo Cup " , and I went , " ah , I get it ! " . Now , I don 't listen to country music , but in my younger days we would have " keggers " and of course , there were red Solo cups . Therefore , I was rather amused . Jump forward to Thursday . My brother , whom I haven 't seen in over a year , was passing through on a business trip and I went " uptown " with him and a couple of his friends that evening . He does listen to country music , so I related this story to him and we all laughed about the song . One of his pals had never heard the song , so the other pal went and found it on the juke box . Everyone sang along . Then we heard it later on the radio . We ended the evening at an establishment that had a DJ , so pal # 2 went and requested it . I think I have now had my fill of the song . Although , I 'm sure I 'll get it hear it plenty because it 's the kind of song I see getting played at Redneck wedding receptions for the next few years ! When I first heard about this I couldn 't believe Chic - fil - a was suing over such a stupid thing . I mean , come on , really ? Do they really think people are so ignorant that they would confuse kale and chicken ? I see the slogan and chicken doesn 't even enter my mind . My second thought was that no small farmer was going to be able to fight big business . But now I think they have a chance . Yea , Governor Shumlin , for standing up for your people ! It seems to me that things are getting ridiculous . It doesn 't feel like Christmas . I usually enjoy putting up the decorations and usually do it Thanksgiving weekend , but this year I can 't seem to get into the mood . I know part of it is the fact that I think the cats are going to be a problem and some of my pieces are fragile . I think another part of my problem is that I am mad all of the time anymore . Work , politics , trying to figure out how to pay the bills . I 'm not normally like this . And I 've been trying to shake it off . But I guess some things just can 't be shaken off ! As far as the money thing goes I just have to hope I find a different job ( not likely ) or my husband gets more hours where he works ( not looking likely , either ) . I wish I could think of a business we could start . I sell Avon and the hubby sells baseball cards on Ebay , but neither is profitable enough to help much . I 'm mad about work . My son worked at the store where I work and a couple of weeks ago he quit . Things are such a mess there and things were said , things that had been building for a while . My son said some immature things , but he 's still a kid . They say immature things . But he wouldn 't have if the boss hadn 't started it . Now my son feels bad about what happened and I really do blame the adult in the situation . He should have know better . So now I hurt for my son . I 'm mad about the political situation . Last week my step - brother sent a joke e - mail . I guess I never realized we are on opposite sides of the political spectrum . I 'm sure he found the joke hilarious , but it just pissed me off to no end . I started twice to respond to it , finally I just deleted it . Nasty words from me wouldn 't have helped any thing . But there is so much that I keep quiet about just to keep peace within the family . And I 'm finding it to be heavier and heavier to carry inside . And I miss my daughter . She 'll be home in two weeks . Maybe by then I won 't feel like crying all of the time . And then I can enjoy the Season . My rule was not to blog about the negative , but right now I 'm just not feeling much positive . I thPosted by No ornaments or a tree skirt yet , but Fat Cat has his spot . He 'll stay there all month and then watch with sad eyes as we take it down . He joined our family in 1999 and this is how it has always been ! Have I mentioned I need a new job ? I used to really like my job , actually looked forward to my day . But things have gradually gotten worse and now I 'm just there to put in my time . Life is too short for this . I 've been there 14 years . When I first took the job , I intended to only stay 2 or 3 years . That was my average time at my previous jobs . But I liked it well enough and the positives far outweighed the negatives . Now it 's starting to be the other way around . The worst part is , I 've been looking for another job for the last several years , but with the economy the way it is , every job I 've been offered has been part - time . I need full - time ! I 've always had an easy time finding a job . It seemed I either got offered the jobs without even looking , or applied and was hired right away . It 's frustrating ! This could be bad ! Look at how many of us Bloggers " share " vidoes . Would we all be in legal trouble ? It sounds like it . If it passes about the only thing left for me to do on the internet will be checking the Weather Channel page ! I went to OpenCongress . com and sent my Congressmen my 2 cents worth , not that I expect it to accomplish much . But I guess we do what we can ! A lady that lives on the next block has the most beautiful yard . She spends a part of every decent day planting , pulling weeds and doing general upkeep . It gives me a little spiritual lift each morning as I walk past on my way to work . Which , right now , I really need . It 's getting harder and harder to go to work . I sooo need a new job ! It 's been a year of weather extremes . Last Winter we saw more snow than we 've seen in a long time . The Spring was wet and cold . Summer took forever to get here and then we had extreme heat . Now it 's the 6th of November and we haven 't had a heavy frost yet . My Stella D ' Oro lilies are putting out new blooms . My neighbor 's rose bushes have roses . The people with persimmon trees say the seeds are showing spoons , which is supposed to be a forecaster for lots of snow . I 've seen very few caterpillars crossing the road . And I 've only seen one or two days of " Indian Summer " where the spider - webs ribbon through the air . Normally that 's a week or two occurrence . It 's just been a very weird year . I would like to be able to say " it keeps things interesting " , but I 'm not sure it is ! My Grandparents ( on my Dad 's side ) were farmers and they raised chickens and sold eggs as their main income . The guinea hens didn 't like my Aunt and would chase her around . I see wild turkeys once in a while when I 'm heading out to my Mom 's house and I know how big they can get . So this video really tickled my funny bone ! I 'm not sure if one of these big ones took out after me that I wouldn 't run , just out of sheer reaction ! We are definitely into full - blown Fall ! We didn 't figure that we would have any Fall colors this year after the heat that seemed to cook everything , but some of the trees are going all out . The funny thing , tho : this ash tree in front of our store turned a bright yellow that just glows , but it 's sister tree , also an ash , across the drive , is still as green as can be . Now the leaves are falling off and people are tracking them into the store . We can 't keep it swept up ! But better that they track in leaves than snow ! I 'm not ready for that at all ! I 'm so excited about this ! Across the bridge is Century Pop Resort , where we have stayed in the past and we could see that there was construction on the other side of " the lake " . We just figured since Century Pop represents the 1950s through the present that the other side would be the first part of the Century . But really , other than the Roarin ' 20s , what would you do ? I mean , you had the Depression and WWII . Not much to build on , there ! We are planning on going in December of next year . We would probably have to make reservations now to get in , but we will probably just stay at Century Pop again and walk over and visit . I know a new Resort at Walt Disney world is kind of a trivial thing , but with all the worries and stress that seems to be happening right now , it 's so nice to have something to look forward to and be excited about ! It 's been going on for years . Usually in August or September . This year I 'm running a little late and doing it in October . What is " it " ? It 's a dream I have with a reoccurring theme . I 'm going about my day and suddenly realize it 's Christmas Eve . And somehow time has passed and I didn 't even realize it . Nothing is done . No decorating , no baking , No Presents ! So I spend the dream running around trying to get everything done . Total panic . But this time it was different . It wasn 't Christmas Eve . It was Christmas morning . I hadn 't really forgotten . I just hadn 't bought gifts . ( No money , no time - - I 'm not sure why . ) I think there was one each for my husband and the kids . I was very upset and heartbroken . A little background here - - my husband grew up in a family that didn 't do much for Christmas . So , from the beginning , he liked to do Christmas big . There 's always been lots of presents . We 've never spent alot of money , but there has always been lots of little things and everything had to be in a box and wrapped . Even if it was just a box of crayons . I guess that 's why I was so sad in the dream . I really don 't like these dreams and I hope that 's it for this year ! Now maybe I can go on and get things started ! I 've been bad about getting Holiday decorations out the last few years . Partly because the kids are old enough to not care and partly because at times I don 't seem to care , either . There is also the added factor the last three years of the two youngest cats . Lucky and Fat Cat , the two older ones , never seemed to mess with them much . But Roscoe and Jinx , the younger two , find them fascinating . While I was in my manic mood two weekends ago , I got the Halloween decorations out . So far I 'm not finding them strung around , but Roscoe did decide the piano was a good place to nap . I tried a squirt bottle - - he just seemed to think the stream of water was a game . When he was a kitten and wouldn 't stay off the fireplace mantle I bought one of those Glade fragrancers that is motion sensored . It worked well and he stayed off , but I can 't find refills for it now . I know they do that on purpose ! I guess I 'll buy another one before I put the Christmas decorations out ! ( I can 't believe Christmas is only 3 months away . I 'm so not ready for Winter ! ) We received these cute little guys last week . They 've been a big hit with the kids - - and the adults . We 've heard over and over again " tell Jerry when he doesn 't want these any more , I 'll take one " . Sorry folks , ain 't happening ! Turns out these display units aren 't something the company sent us for free - - the stores had to order and pay for them . Our Mars / M & M rep . was in the store the other day and she said some of the stores never received theirs . I guess there is a limited supply . In fact , it took awhile before we received ours . She then said some have been stolen right out of the stores ! ( We 're talking small stores here where the cashier sometimes has to move away from the door to help customers . ) What do they do with them ? Check out Ebay - - they 're going for a couple hundred bucks ! Because the weather was so hot this Summer , we hadn 't gone to the Zoo since April . That 's unusual for us . Normally , we go 3 or 4 times a year . We 're behind schedule this year ! So we headed to St . Louis on Labor Day . It was the first fairly cool day . Normally , we wouldn 't go on a holiday just because of the crowds , but we all had the day off and we decided to chance it . We left early and got there a few minutes before the doors opened . It was nice because the crowds didn 't hit until later . This Peacock family reminded me of a time when I was a kid and we did some peacock " sitting " . Friends of ours lived in the country and raised the birds . Some eggs had just hatched and there was one born with a twisted leg . They asked us to " babysit " the young bird while they were out of town for a few days . We did , and the poor thing died after a hand full of days . I know , not a happy ending . My brother and I were naturally upset , but Mom told us that it wasn 't our fault that the bird died , sometimes these things just happen . I guess the point of the story isn 't that the bird died , but it 's more the fact that we got to babysit a Peacock once ! Hormones make me crazy - - literally ! Even though I 'm no longer on Strike , I don 't do as much housework as I used to do . Mainly because I work full time now and weekends seem totally booked . Housework time is limited . But , as I said , hormones make me crazy and sometimes I get a bit manic . It 's happening this morning . I 'm running in circles because there is so much that needs done - - that never gets done . I start one thing and then see something else that needs done , so I start on that . And repeat . Until a little is done but nothing is finished . Circle . Circle . Circle . Even my thoughts . So I 'm taking a moment here to hopefully settle down enough to go start again . I would love to take a week off just to clean . Of course , the problem with that is , I 'm never alone and I can 't seem to accomplish much with other people in the house . I 'm sure the fact that I 've got some where to be at noon isn 't helping . If it wasn 't a family thing , I think I would skip it . But that 's not really an option . It popped ! It 's not alot , but considering how small the ear was , I wasn 't expecting alot . It was crispy on the outside , tender on the inside . I would venture to say it was some of the best popcorn I 've ever had . Successful experiment ! The video is a bit weird , but love the song ! We went and saw Fright Night Saturday . I wasn 't really interested in seeing it until my son pointed out that David Tennant was in it . He 's my current Celebrity Obsession at the moment , so I had to go see it . And I 'm glad we did - - it was entertaining in a campy sort of way . I 'd go see it again if someone else would pay for it ! Anyway , this is the song from the credits . It so fit the mood of the movie . I walk by this little tree every day on my way to work . Every Fall it turns really red and pretty . This year , like so many other trees ( especially small ones ) the leaves turned early and fell off , or just simply fell off . The heat and lack of rain really hurt them . It seems to be a trend the last few years , we get too much rain for a couple of months , then it just stops . So here I am , watching Hurricane Irene hit the East Coast and wishing some of that rain blows over here ! The grass is more or less dead , and I 'm really babying what I have left in my garden ! The corn and bean crops , that looked so promising six weeks ago , aren 't promising any more . Even us non - farmers are affected , just because our whole community is financed by how the season ends . It may be a lean Winter . I mentioned earlier that I grew popcorn from a kernel of bagged popcorn . Well , this is the little ear that resulted from that experiment . We haven 't popped it yet , but I 'm thinking it 's going to happen this weekend ! It won 't be a big bowl of corn , but at least I can say I grew it myself ! And maybe next year I 'll try planting a bit more ! The first year I planted a garden after we moved to this house , some 10 or 11 years ago , I planted large sunflowers at the edge of my garden . They grew beautifully ! I always leave the sunflowers in the garden at the end of the season so the birds can feed on them through the winter . And each summer they reseeded themselves . The first few years I still had large sunflowers , altho each year they grew a bit smaller . Then , about 4 years ago , this happened ! They are more like sunflower " bushes " or " trees " . Lots of little sunflowers . I love them ! And so do the birds . This summer we could float in the pool and watch the hummingbirds buzz around . There were cardinals and one day some little yellow birds , maybe goldfinches . Two years ago because of all of the rain , I didn 't even try to put out the garden . But the sunflowers grew . I 'll always let the sunflowers grow ! I hauled my items to the Fair Friday evening and met the people I was going to be spending time with . It was really hot , but I enjoyed myself . Each day it got a little cooler until it actually became pleasant . My sales weren 't what I wanted ( in fact I lost money ) but I enjoyed being on the Fair Grounds each evening and visiting with people . Then Wednesday night , after I had gotten home and had been asleep for an hour my Step - Dad called to say my Mom had fallen while untangling the dog 's chain and he was taking her to the hospital . I got dressed and headed over . I got there about 11 : 45 and nothing had been done . And not much got done until after 2 : 30 . The staff were all very nice , but there was only one ER doctor and things didn 't move along at the pace I thought it should ! They did X - Rays at midnight but didn 't give her any pain meds until 3 a . m . She had to have 6 stitches in her head and she had a dislocated shoulder that they couldn 't get back into place . They decided to admit her until a surgeon could look at her . At that point , almost 4 o ' clock , I headed home so that my husband could have the car to go to work and I could get some sleep and make some phone calls for Mom . I guess right after I left , all hell broke loose ! ( I always miss all of the fun ! ) Miranda Cosgrove 's bus was involved in an accident on the Interstate and they brought her , her mom and a few more of the injured into the hospital where Mom was . Mom said she heard the ambulances and there suddenly seemed to be alot of people , but she was out of it and didn 't know what was going on . Now , I might add , even if I had still been there , I wouldn 't have had a clue who she was . I waited on Reba McEntire once and had no idea who she was , but since everyone else was getting her autograph , I did too ! Anyway , I went back at 10 o ' clock , they were able to get Mom 's arm back in the socket without surgery , and we took her home at 4 : 30 . I wouldn 't have known anything was going on except there was a girl that used to live in our neighborhood when I was a kid whoPosted by The County Fair starts today and runs through next Saturday , the 13th . I was asked to share a booth with two other people that wanted to split the rent three ways . I haven 't done the Fair for several years and since I want to build my online business , I thought I would do it . So after I agreed and paid my part , my daughter called and said she would be flying in on the 10th , and could I make her a dentist appointment to get her wisdom teeth out - - they are bothering her . So I made the appointment , and it 's on the 12th . So starting today , I am getting off work at 4 p . m . , heading to the Fair Grounds and sitting out there probably until 9p . m . Her roommate is coming home with her , so I won 't have to take off a day to go pick her up , but I 'm still taking a day off for the surgery . While I was at it , I made the appointment for both kids - - the son needs his out , too . And he doesn 't want to wait because he doesn 't want his wisdom teeth to shove his other teeth up " like yours did , Mom " . Okay , he has a point ! ( What 's wrong with buck teeth , anyway ? It runs in the family ! ) Anyway , it 's going to be a long week . Why does everything happen at once ? On the up side , it seems to have cooled down a tad . Every year for the Fair , it seems to rain or it 's so hot a person can 't breath . I would prefer a little rain since I 'm going to be sitting where there is no air conditioner ! The view from the top of the ladder . The water may look refreshing , but I threw in a thermometer and the water was a hot - tub like 96 degrees ! Needless to say , I didn 't swim . I usually walk the 3 blocks to work , and lately , with this heat we are having , that 3 blocks seems twice as long . The roads here are covered in tar , with gravel over it . When it 's this hot , the tar rises . The road actually felt spongy as I walked on it yesterday . I remember " popping " those tar bubbles as a kid with our toes . We would have black feet all summer because we never wore shoes , and that stuff doesn 't come off easily ! I threw a kernel of popcorn that didn 't make it into the pan into the scrap bowl . When I went to dump it in the compost pile a couple of days later , it had sprouted . Who would 've thunk it ? So I stuck it in the ground by the gooseberry bushes and forgot about it . One day I noticed a big ole piece of grass growing in my gooseberries and went to pull it when I remembered the popcorn . So I left it alone . I didn 't expect anything because there isn 't any other plants for it to cross pollinate with , but it 's actually forming an ear ! If it actually makes popcorn , I may have to try a whole row next year ! We 've had some extremely hot weather mixed with massive humidity - - the kind that makes you feel like you are trying to breath underwater . Miserable . It 's just high summer in the Midwest . It happens almost every year and we all stay in a much as possible . Thank God for air - conditioning . Which I imagine is why the woman brought her dog into the store the other day . It 's common knowledge that pets aren 't allowed in grocery stores , but some people seem to think that doesn 't apply to small dogs . If you can carry it in your purse , you can bring it in . Wrong ! I noticed she was carrying her purse weirdly when she first came in the store , but I didn 't realize she had a dog - - two , as it turned out . I think what pissed me off the most was the fact that there was another woman with her . She could have stayed in the car with the dogs and ran the air conditioning . This was just a " show - off " thing . When they got to the register they made a point of being loud enough so everyone knew that there was a puppy in the bag also . I didn 't say anything , but I wanted to say , " you know if the Health Inspector comes right now , we 're going to get in trouble " . Some people just don 't think the rules apply to them ! I keep hearing this song lately , so I 'm making it my " Song of the Day " ! I love the first two lines " Why drink the water from my hand ? Contagious as you think I am " . I just think it 's a smooth song ! After all of the rain we have had here , I spent a big part of yesterday pulling weeds . Bunches and bunches of weeds . I still had a little to finish , but it was miserably hot and I decided to jump in the pool and finish today . Because it was actually warm enough to get in the pool ! Yay ! Naturally , it rained through the night . Not just rain . Hail , too . The " ping , ping " woke me up a little after 2 a . m . I ran out on the porch , while all of the cats ran past me to get into the house , and watched . After all , there isn 't anything that can be done but watch . I can 't see much of the garden out of my kitchen window , but what I can see looks okay . I should have become a meteorologist , because even though I was worried about my plants , I love storms ! We have three vehicles - - a 2005 Dodge Neon , a 1995 Ford Escort and a 1991 Chevy S - 10 . We bought the Neon in ' 06 when we were taking the kids to Walt Disney World and we figured the Escort was going to be a bit tight . We kept the other two vehicles because they were both paid for , ran well , and our oldest had just turned 16 . She drove the Escort , which she named Rupert , through High School and for the two years she was going to school in Indianapolis . But now that she is in San Francisco , we don 't have a need for 3 vehicles . The big Question of late has been , " which one do we get rid of ? " . My husband drives the Neon back and forth to work , and I drove Rupert during the winter after I hurt my foot and walking just wasn 't an option . But my foot is ( slightly ) better and the weather is nice , so I 've been walking to work . The truck is a " plain jane " that we bought new , off the lot . It only had 4 miles on it and my husband drove it back and forth to work for years . It 's been a great truck for us , but it is a stick shift and doesn 't have power steering . I have a hard time driving it . I realized two weeks ago that we really do need a truck . We don 't need two cars . So altho I love our little Escort , it should be the one that goes . I made the decision , I hardened my heart . And ever since we have had trouble with the truck . I know , it 's 20 years old . It was bound to happen . It may not be " big " trouble ; it may be something that is easily , and inexpensively , fixed . I just need it to run for a couple more years ! Am I really asking so much ? ( And will Rupert ever forgive me ? ) I took my daughter to St . Louis Lambert Airport yesterday for her flight back to San Francisco . Of course , it rained the whole way . We left with plenty of time to spare because I haven 't been to the airport for a very long time and I was afraid of getting lost . Plus , there is always the threat of road construction . It 's almost a miracle to get to St . Louis without driving through miles of road construction . Anyway , like I said , it was raining . Hard . The closer we got to the Missouri boarder , the harder it rained . As we crossed the Mississippi River on 270 we passed a car that had spun around , was facing the wrong way and was blocking the right lane . I figured we were going to get smashed by a semi trying to get around , but we made it . We got to the airport on time ( meaning 1 hour before her flight ) , but just barely . Because at times I was only driving 45 miles - per - hour . Did I mention it was raining - - hard ? We got her checked in at Arrivals , I gave her a hug , and headed back to 270 . Miracle ! It quit raining ! Within two miles of the airport , I passed two more wrecks . And all I could think was " fools " ! When it 's raining so hard you can barely see out your windshield , slow down ! I couldn 't tell if there was any other cars involved , so I imagine they hydroplaned . Other people 's driving makes me so nervous ! The 13 - year cicadas have arrived ! I think they 're fascinating . While driving down the highway Saturday , they were so loud that I could hear them over my radio and air conditioner - - with my windows closed . I imagine for the people that live in the country it 's annoying . My daughter and I went out " bug hunting " and took pictures yesterday evening at the Nature Center . We could hear them everywhere , but at first I couldn 't find any because they were all up in the tall trees . I couldn 't even find any shells . But up by the building the bushes were covered with them ! They have red eyes and orange wings , which distinguish them from the regular yearly cicadas that we will get later in the summer . After this crop of cicadas finish singing and mating in the next couple of weeks , we won 't see them again until 2024 . Since we couldn 't find any shells , I figured that they had all gotten knocked off during the storm Sunday , but we found a tree that was covered with them . I just think it 's too cool ! I just noticed the Hollyhocks bloomed ! The mailman likes to walk up to the porch , reach over the railing and put the mail in the box . It drives the husband nuts ! So I got some Hollyhock starts from my neighbor and planted them in the corner . Now the mailman has to walk up on the porch , at least in the summer . My neighbor has all different colors - - white , yellow , burgundy and pale pink . Somehow , last year I ended up with all yellow . This year I 've got several different colors ! I do like a variety ! They are very pretty and seem to be doing their job well ! Weird Al performed at the Effingham Performance Center last night and I had tickets ! It was so worth the money we really don 't have right now ! It was an amazing , fun show . We had never been to the EPC before - - I think the tickets are a little pricey - - but it 's a nice place . I had been told there are no bad seats there and I would agree . Altho I purchased the " cheap " seats , we had a good view of the stage . I guess after 35 years of performing it 's not surprising that he and his group can put on a tight show . The show was so well put together that the audience was never left hanging while the band was changing costumes . And there were lots of costumes ! I think that 's part of the fun ! Weird Al has a new album coming out in about 3 weeks and he covered quite a few of his new songs , but there was plenty of his older hits , too . I 've been a fan since my High School days , the early MTV days ! I would definitely go see him again ! Credit where credit is due . The photos are not mine since no cameras were allowed during the show . The photos belong to the EPC . The husband and I went to the Zoo last month - - without kids . It was a nice day and I almost didn 't take my camera , but it seems like there is always something that we 've never seen before . So I 'm glad I did , because I 've never seen the Penguins put on a show like they did and the Elephants were doing behaviors I had also never seen . It was so sweet , because the elephant that made the mud hole , instead of pushing the others away , actually went over and rubbed her head on them , like she was hugging them . You hear that they are very affectionate to each other and I believe , with all of the times we have gone , this was the first time I 've actually seen it . There is a new baby Rhino I was hoping to see , but apparently it wasn 't out yet the day we were there . Hopefully , we will get back soon . The St . Louis Zoo really is one of my favorite places ! We have several trees in the yard and during the last few weeks , since it 's been warm enough to have the windows open , the noise the baby birds have been making has just about driven us crazy ! It 's amazing how loud they can be ! Now , they are all leaving the nests and there are baby birds all over the place . I 'm afraid the neighborhood cats have decided our yard is Cat Central and the babies that don 't learn to fly quickly are probably short lived . This baby Robin found a perch yesterday evening on the ladder my husband left outside after cleaning gutters . He spent quite awhile there , just looking around , until an adult showed up with a worm . Then he got very excited , started making lots of noise and flapping he little wings around . Last I saw of him , he very wobbly flew over to the fence and , very proud of himself , looked around to see if anyone noticed . I think he is safe from the cats ! Every Tuesday at the grocery store is Senior Citizen Day ( 10 % off for those over 60 ) . I swear , every Senior in town shows up . It 's our busiest day during a normal week . We usually call the first day of the month " National Link Day " ( foodstamps ) and normally we are busy the first week of the month . This month , tho , has been slow . All month . Until Monday . Monday , we had Link Card after Link Card . And then yesterday - - lots of Seniors - - busy , busy . My theory ? They all were sure they were going to be raptured , so they have only been buying food as they needed it the last few weeks . Why spend money on food you aren 't going to need , after all ! But since nothing happened , they all had to come in and stock back up ! Again , just a theory . When I was in High School my friends and I listened to WLS out of Chicago . It was an AM station - I 'm really surprised it came in this far south . But every morning , as we got ready for school , we listened to Animal Stories with " Uncle Lar " Larry Lujack and " Little Tommy " , Tommy Edwards . It was usually one of the first topics we discussed once we got to school . WLS was a top 40 radio station and to this day my favorite music is late 70 's and early 80 's top 40 . I loved the whole crew , even the news crew . I still know , 30 years later , that LGBB means " Les Grobstein , Bubble Butt " , something Larry came up with one morning . ( My husband and I are convince that WKRP in Cincinnati was modelled after WLS ! ) Soon after we graduated , the programming at WLS began to change , and it was never as good . I began to listen to a station out of Terre Haute that played " harder " Rock and when I dialed back to 89 , it just wasn 't the same . One day , several years later , I dialed it in to find that it is now talk radio . Humph . Ah , but the memories are still there ! And now , thanks to YouTube , so are some of the clips ! I taped Glee the other night and while I was watching it the next morning this commercial came on and by the time it was over I realized I was crying . I still tear up each time I watch it . I became interested in Gay rights during college . I 'm not sure why , except that a cousin of mine died of AIDS . I barely knew him , but he and my Mom had been close when they were younger . He had been living in Chicago and suddenly just fell off the map . No one knew where he had gone and Mom figured he had gotten mixed up with the wrong people and was dead . One day , out of the blue , he called Mom and said he was living in California . Soon after , he reconnected with his sisters . He never said he had AIDS , but it was the mid 80 's and we suspected . He didn 't want anyone to come see him . It made my Mom sad , and therefore , it made me sad . And I started paying more attention to what was going on around me . Now I read about these teen suicides and wonder what can be done . Bullies are bullies , whether you are talking about a 13 year - old or a 30 year - old . I believe it 's learned behaviour and you aren 't going to talk them into changing . The schools have assemblies to " address the problem " but I have little confidence that they accomplish much . I realize it 's supposed to be a commercial for Chrome , but if it gets the message out to a few young people and helps them hold on , helps connect them to It Gets Better , then yeah for Chrome ! I 'm four years older than my brother and we didn 't have alot in common growing up , so we didn 't always get along very well . But once we both hit our teens we began to bond . I 've always figured it was because we were both doing things we didn 't want the parents to know and we had the option to get along or constantly keep each other in trouble ! Even if it wasn 't the best reason in the world , it worked and we finally got close . One of my favorite memories of those years is sitting on the lower part of his bunk bed while he practiced his guitar . We would talk and sing . I really miss it sometimes . This version of Fleetwood Mac 's " Never Going Back Again " blew me away . Listen to the guitars towards the end of the song . Amazing ! I admit it - - I 'm a big fat Liberal . And I live and work in a town full of change - fearing Conservatives . I have a few friends with whom I share similar political and religious beliefs and I will discus different issues with them . But since I don 't like confrontation at all , for the most part I keep my mouth shut , especially at work . Today I had a customer that was being loud and making comments that I don 't agree with . I believe he was aiming them at the young man ( the boss ' son ) who was working with me . I 'm not exactly sure why . Maybe he thought he was being funny , or maybe he was trying to get a rise out of my young co - worker . What he got , finally , was a rise out of me ! I tried to keep my head down and finish checking out his groceries , but it got to be too much and finally I made a few comments that I probably shouldn 't have . Funny thing is , I think it went right over his head ! Somehow , I don 't think he realized how mad I was . Finally , I asked him what his solutions to our problems were . He didn 't have an answer for that and he left . I 'm going to remember that - - because it apparently works ! One week ago today was a big day for my little town . Dean Karnazes stopped here on his Run Across America with his team to host a 5K run . There was alot of excitement . For almost 2 months plans and preparations were made . The Garden Club and some of the High School kids even worked uptown during the week prior to the run to make the town look it 's best . Although we are in our " rainy and windy " season , the day was sunny and calm . The run started at the Grade School , and all of the students from the three schools were present . I took the day off and went early . Everything went well . There was lots of TV cameras filming every angle of the event . The next day there was a wonderful write - up on the Run Across America website . We were told the actual clip would be on Live ! with Regis and Kelly on Monday . Everyone set their VCRs / DVRs - - and nothing . It was never on . They skipped right to Indianapolis . There was lot of disappointed people . And to be honest , I 'm a little pissed about it ! The closest Blockbuster closed recently and one of the reasons stated was the popularity of Netflix , Hulu , Redbox , etc . A good friend of mine works part time at the only video store here in town and she mentioned business was down . She also mentioned Netflix as a possible cause . Because of our recent financial situation , I 've been considering getting rid of our cable , or possibly even going down to just basic cable , which would cut our bill in half and I would still have local channels . Many of the shows I like I can watch on - line , therefore it seemed like a workable idea . I didn 't start watching Glee until the second season and I thought maybe I could find it on Fox 's official site , but they are only running second season episodes . One day last week I saw an ad for one free month of Netflix and decided to give it a try . I signed up and did a search for Glee , but it wasn 't available . However , I did find Torchwood ! We don 't get BBC America and I 've wanted to see it for a very long time . I was happily watching episode after episode when , a few days ago , Glee was listed as a new release . For three days that 's been my main entertainment ! I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished ! I think I 'm going to have to keep Netflix . I 'm sure I will still rent the occasional DVD . Gotta help out the local businesses , after all ! My husband was adopted . It 's never been something he wanted to talk about much . That 's fine , it 's his business . But 13 years ago his biological family found him . It 's a long story that I 'm not going to get into here , but the gist of it is , his biological mother was only 15 when he was born and since it was the ' 50s , her family arranged the adaption without her knowledge . By the time she realized she wasn 't getting him back , it was too late . She and one of her sisters has respected the fact that he doesn 't want a relationship . Her oldest sister doesn 't . I have kept in touch with her because she never had any other children , and my children are her only grandchildren , and quite frankly , I like her . But because it is what it is , it is an uncomfortable relationship . A week and a half ago one of her nephews died , the son of the oldest sister . He lived out of state and I figured the funeral was there . But apparently there is going to be a funeral here this Saturday and this sister called and left a message that she expects us to come to the funeral . This is a man we have never met , probably never would have . My husband said " no " outright , which is just as I expected . I have no desire to go . I have a friend who had surgery this week and I had told her I would help her out Saturday . I know this sounds cold hearted . Losing a child , even when that child is in his 50s , has got to be the worst pain there is . And I feel sad for her . But I just can 't believe in her grief that she took the time to call and tell / ( order ) us to come . I 'm tied up in knots about this , and just a little mad . I hate being put in these kinds of positions ! A tour busload full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede , England . They gather around the guide who says , " This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta . A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks , " When did that happen ? " " 1215 , " answers the guide . The man looks at his watch and says , " Shoot ! Just missed it by a half hour ! " Every major appliance in our house needs replaced , except the stove , and that 's only because we just replaced it ! I hate it , not because of the expense ( which I 'm not fond of ) but because my husband and I have very different shopping styles . He wants to spend hours cruising the Internet looking for the best deal , then order it and go pick it up . Me , I want to go physically check it out . I want something sturdy , solid . I 'm not so worried about the price . I want to touch it , open the door , look inside . The husband is looking for the cheapest , the best deal . So what is happening is that we aren 't replacing what needs replaced . It 's turned into a bit of a stand - off , which I will probably lose because each appliance is just going to totally die and have to be replaced immediately , like the stove did . We are washing all of the dishes by hand because the dishwasher is done , and the washing machine is really close . The lid on the freezer is cracked and we have " fixed " the dryer twice . It 's the appliance " curse " . When one goes out , the others follow it ! I had an epiphany about my husband this morning while I was cleaning the kitchen . Several years ago when he made the declaration that he was no longer going to help with any housework until I started working full time , I believed that he held no value on all I did because it wasn 't putting money in the bank . But after the last year of being on strike , I just realized it had nothing to do with the amount of money I was making and everything to do with the fact he never realized how much I was really doing around here . He has no idea how much work goes into house keeping because he doesn 't do it . For the last year he has vacuumed and shampooed the carpets , washed dishes and cleaned the bathrooms a few times . He didn 't dust , or clean the refrigerator , or wipe down the molding and any of the numerous other things that need done and haven 't been done since I stopped doing them ! I 'm not sure whether to be upset or just pissed ! I " got into " the Beatles during my Sophomore year in High School , not long before John Lennon was killed . Maybe if he hadn 't died I wouldn 't have become so engrossed in their music , but with his death came a flurry of books , magazines , posters , re - releases , movies , everything Beatles related . I would say I was practically obsessed . I had all of their music , knew all the lyrics to all of their songs , did my Senior term paper on them and even had my cousin sing a Lennon song during my wedding . But that was 30 years ago and life happened and my obsession waned . But this week , when Kurt ( Chris Colfer ) sang Blackbird , it all came back to me . I dug my CDs out and have been listening all week . I thought he did such a lovely cover of this song . ( Plus , I just loved this episode of Glee ! ) I wanted to be an artist . My first year in college I majored in art . My Dad was constantly asking me what kind of job I was going to get with my degree and I didn 't have an answer for him , so my sophomore year I changed my major to Psychology . Looking back , I wish I would have stood my ground . But I don 't believe in regrets . It gets us nowhere and just makes us miserable . Imagine my happiness when my daughter picked up where I left off ! She , like so many young girls , started out with an interest in anime that turned into an interest in animation . She is one of those rare people that knew what she wanted to go to college for when she was a freshman in High School . One day she came home exasperated because her Art teacher had made an assignment out of a contest that a local restaurant was hosting . The contest theme was to do a picture of a local landmark . Since my daughter didn 't really want to do it , she did a simple line drawing of the Veteran 's Memorial in our town and slapped some watercolor paint on it . I was a bit aggravated because I knew she could do much better than she did . So , again , imagine our surprise when she came home and said she had placed and her picture would be hanging in the restaurant ! That 's been 4 or 5 years ago , and I 've always thought I should take a picture of it . Well , we ate breakfast there a few mornings ago , and I actually had my camera with me . Every time I see it hanging there , I just remember how much she didn 't want to do it ! What happens when the person you looked up too , the person that you thought was maybe almost perfect , turns out to not be perfect ? In my case , it meant not getting much sleep last night while I was thinking things through ! And , truthfully , how surprised can I really be ? Why would any of us heap that onto another person , except it comes from our childhood . Someone we looked up to , someone we respected and admired . We sometimes forget to see what is really there . Oh , well . I enjoyed the illusion for as long as it lasted ! One day in September of ' 96 I was walking uptown with my 4 year - old son and another little girl I was babysitting . As we walked past a vet / supply office I heard a little crying meow and found this tiny black kitten stuck behind a planter . I pulled her out and took her into the supply store . I was friends with the woman who worked there and knew she often kept a cat there to keep the mouse population down . Occasionally , there were kittens and I just figured one had gotten away from her . No joy . At the moment , she had no cats on the premise . Now , I had a bit of problem . I didn 't really want the kitten - - we already had a cat and a dog . But I couldn 't exactly stick the kitten back in the hole - - the kids were already attached to it . So I took it home , thought maybe we could keep it as an outdoor cat . Except , the neighbor kids kept stealing it and sticking it in a cooler . I admit , I had never had a kitten before and she was wonderfully playful . The down side proved to be that she didn 't want to share a litter box . I 'm guessing she came into town on a grain truck ; I rather imagine she was a barn cat . She is still , 15 years later , very skiddish . Lucky spends her summers outside , but because of the cold weather and her advancing age , she has spent this winter almost exclusively in the house . It 's not been pleasant . The other cats pick on her so we 've found piles in corners because they won 't leave her alone long enough to get to the litter box . And the poor thing has a flea allergy , so once the weather gets nice and she starts spending her time outside , her fur will start falling out . Lucky was so bad last summer , I took her to the vet and after a serious of shots , she healed up and looked pretty again . She definitely is my problem child ! Break out your rain gear , the rainy season is hitting early this year ! We went through a draught for several years , but 5 or 6 years ago it broke and now we have very wet , stormy Springs . The last weekend in February brought a tornado and this last weekend we got another thunder and lightening storm that dropped about 2 more inches of water . Unfortunately , we live off of a section of town that once was a swamp and the drainage is horrible . These pictures don 't even start to show what we will deal with when we get really heavy rain . The road will be covered and our neighbor across the road will have water up to his foundation . What gripes us the most is the fact that the water drains on the other end of the block . If the city would put in a couple of new culverts , we wouldn 't have this problem ! During the summer the water will stand and become great breeding ponds for mosquitos , plus it will get slimy and stinky with moss . I used to like rain . . . . Posted by I only live 3 blocks from where I work , so weather permitting and lack of errands to run on my lunch break , I like to walk . ( Plus , with the price of gas these days , maybe manage to save a little money ! ) An older lady on the next block from us has a beautiful flower bed . She works in it daily . I 'm actually a little envious ! I wish I had more time to take care of growing things . Her garden always gives me a little lift to my day . I got my first seed catalog in the mail the other day and looking through it makes me wish we could find us a place in the country where I could plant lots of fruit trees and berry bushes . Have an asparagus bed . Have a strawberry patch . Maybe , someday . . . ! Roscoe has a new house ! I put a box outside for him one windy day , just to keep him out of the weather . He would spend hours in that box so last week the Husband decided to build him a little house . He seems to love it . If we go outside and bring him in , he eats and then wants right back outside , no matter how nasty the weather is . I imagine he is going to love the summer . We have very spoiled cats ! I can 't say I 'm a fan of Regis and Kelly . Heck , I 've never seen their show . By the time it 's on , I 'm at work . But a couple of weeks ago my cousin told me about this man , Dean Karnazes , who is running across the country to raise funds for Action for Healthy Kids and Regis and Kelly are doing live feeds on their show throughout his cross - country run . He started at Disneyland on Friday , Feb . 25 and is heading across Arizona and New Mexico . One of his stops on his run to New York is going to be in our own small town ! At that time , it wasn 't common knowledge , but it had been announced at the City Council meeting the night before ( my cousin is a Councilman ) . The really exciting thing is , we aren 't going to just be a rest stop - - we 're going to be a featured stop , the only one in Illinois ! It could be good publicity for us . I just wish it was going to be a month or two later . It 's a very pretty town in summer when the trees are all green and the flowers are blooming . I think I 'm going to have to take the day off ! http : / / www . dadt . com / live / special / runacrossamerica / index . html My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years . It was never a great romance , more like something that just happened . Like all relationships , it 's had it 's ups and downs . It seems lately like there has been more downs . Last year I wasn 't sure we were still going to be together much longer . But we have " made it through " again . Valentine 's Day has never been a big deal around here - - not because I didn 't want it that way , but because no one else participated much . But this year I got a big surprise with tea roses ! I really can 't explain how much that means to me , coming from a man who has never given me flowers before ! He has always remembered our Anniversary and he makes a big deal out of Christmas , but V - Day and my Birthday have always just been another day to him . I had already decided to " recommit " myself to this relationship . I guess this means he has too . That 's the best present , I suppose ! One of my first cassettes was ELO 's Out of the Blue . I was 13 at the time and had just discovered J . R . R . Tolkien 's Lord of the Rings . So I listened to this music while I sat on my bed and read - - for hours and hours ! Until I literally wore the tape out . ( Now I own it on CD ) To this day , 30 years later , when I hear this music I think of LOTR ! And visa verse ! We got more snow on top of the ice . I want sun on my face . I want to till and hoe and pull weeds . I want to feel the dirt between my toes . I want green ! It 's been quite the week . The Weather Channel started mentioning bad winter weather at the end of last week . Sunday the grocery store was very busy with people stocking up . Monday was so busy , we had a hard time keeping up . We ran out of bread - - we never run out of bread ! It was a record breaking day . Tuesday it started raining mid - morning . By noon it was starting to freeze . We stayed busy . That night the weight on the lines and trees was too much and electricity went out all over the area . We live in town , so our 's went out , came back on , went out , came back on , over and over all night . Needless to say , we didn 't get much sleep . But we are better off than the people that live out in the country . They may not get their electricity back for a few more days . After the day of freezing rain , we started getting sleet . I 'll bet we got over an inch . Ever try to walk on a layer of sleet that is covering a layer of ice ? Not fun . Then yesterday we got snow . Even though it snowed most of the day , I would say we got less than 2 inches . I would say we dodged a bullet - - again . Some how , we seem to be in a spot here where the worst of the weather goes around us . It 's a pain but it 's beautiful . The worst and the best of Mother Nature ! I heard Phil didn 't see his shadow yesterday and Spring should be early . Fingers crossed that he is right ! This winter is getting long . We have had snow on the ground for more days than I can remember in a long time . It 's almost Ground Hog Day , which means Spring is just around the corner . Already , I 've noticed the days getting longer . During our shortest days , it 's dark when I get off work . I can 't express how much I hate that ! I am definitely a person who responds to light . Once it 's dark , I 'm just ready to go to bed . My favorite Summer " hobby " is gardening . I love plants , especially flowers . I have several flower beds , including a half - dozen potted plants I keep on the deck . Last Fall my husband brought several inside . I 've never had much luck bringing outdoor plants in - - they usually die within a couple of months . But for some reason , the three he brought in has survived - - even blooming on occasion . I can 't wait until the weather is warm and I can put them back out . I just imagine they are going to get so big and full this summer ! Fat Cat has kind of been the daughter 's cat for a long time . Anytime she is home and sitting on the couch , he is up there , right next to her . So yesterday , when I went in her room to grab her blankets so I can wash them , he followed me in and jumped right up on her pillow and just gave me go to hell looks when I mentioned he hop down . I let him stay there . After all , he 's going to miss her , too ! A little update - - she was supposed to get her housing assignment yesterday , but they apparently have more students then dorms , so they put the girls and a group of other students in the local Hilton Gardens Inn until rooms opens up ! It could be two weeks , it could be the whole semester . Nice view , and they get their own bathroom , but they will have to go to campus to eat . Could get interesting for them ! Flower - child , Earth - mother . Product of the ' 70s and ' 80s . I 've survived this long , I plan on surviving a bit longer and enjoying every minute of it !
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Zity . biz is a popular and an open - minded community , come as you are . Membership is freeMembers have access to the many features not available guest usersAll sections are visible . Guests do not see everythingAlways real - time content . Guests always see cached pagesInformation of things new since your last visitShare your point of view in the forumsPublish articles on your blogUse the search feature to find any content and membersAdd your classified to meet someoneView and share pictures with membersJoin an event or create yours to meet peopleExchange private messages with all members Library Only six weeks ! It sounded like an eternity . And I didn 't know one single other boy who was going to be there . " You 'll make friends , " she said , " you 'll see . " We went shopping at Albert 's with the list of required clothing and then I watched as she sewed my name tapes on my shorts and underpants and socks and tee shirts . " Hmm , " she said , " I don 't see pajamas on the list . Oh , well , I 'll throw some in anyway . " It was the same with bathing suits . When the day came we piled into the Ford and headed north . It took us most of the day to get there . As we came to the sign for the town the camp was near my heart started pounding . I was wedged between my mother and my sister in the front seat , and my mother said , " And remember , Ricky , if you get feeling clogged up or if you miss a day you 're to go to the camp nurse and ask her to give you a you - know - what . " I blushed , because I knew what and so did my sister because she turned to me with her prissy look and said , " Yes , and be sure she makes it nice and soapy . " " That will be enough , Gwendolyn , " said my mother . I looked out the window , hoping the subject would be dropped . The trees sped by like a blur . I focused on the trees slipping by so I wouldn 't have to listen . It was true I was often constipated , and it was true that my mother gave me enemas for it . What was also true , but what neither she nor my sister knew , was that I liked them . Oh , sometimes mom gave me too much , or she made it too soapy , so I had cramps , but the good parts outweighed the bad and I always looked forward to them , though I would rather die than have them find that out . But no more was said , and then suddenly we were there . We were obviously in the boys ' camp because there were boys everywhere . Most were wearing just blue shorts , though some had on sneakers and some were wearing T - shirts . After asking directions we found where I was supposed to be . My cabin was called " Blue Jay " and my counselor was named Steve . I said goodbye and watched the familiar rear end of our car disappear with mom and Gwen . " Come on , Ricky , " said Steve , putting his hand on my shoulder and he helped me with my duffel bag and showed me the cabin where I would be living along with seven other boys my age . Steve said that because I was early I could chose my bunk , either an upper or a lower . I chose an upper because I 'd never slept in one before . I later found out that lower bunks were considered better , but by then it was too late . By late afternoon all the boys in my cabin had arrived and we had exchanged names . Two of the boys had been to the camp before ; the rest were new like me . We all had supper in the big dining hall , some one hundred boys and we were greeted by the head of the camp , Mr . Peel . I wasn 't very hungry . After supper we had some free time to unpack and get ready for bed . Some of the boys were starting to get undressed and into their pajamas , when one of the old boys said , " We don 't wear pajamas here , we sleep bare . " The boys who were putting on their pajamas stopped and stared at the boy . Then the other old boy said , " And we swim bare and we do our calisthenics bare . " I guess we looked kind of shocked because the first boy said , " You 'll get used to it , it 's fun . " Just then Steve came in and made sure we were all set for the night . Everyone got into bed naked and Steve said good night . He slept in a separate part of the cabin , out of sight but within earshot . I soon got into the camp routine and wasn 't too homesick , though I sort of wished I could see my sister Gwen , even though we didn 't get along well . But after a while I got over that too and started having a good time . I liked the nature part where we took care of sick birds and small animals and learned about them and I liked the free swims where we swam out to a big rubber raft and lay on it naked in the sun and dived off of it . There was also a rope swim we could use to swing out over the lake and drop . It was while I was waiting my turn that something caught my eye . It was a blue jar filled with some little white cones and beside it was a jar of Vaseline and some rubber things like tiny balloons . I didn 't know what these things were , but because of the Vaseline I thought they had to do with something going into our behinds , maybe the little cones . When my turn came I took off my shorts and raised my arms so Rick could look me over , then he dabbed me all over with the pink stuff . It kind of tickled when he dabbed me in certain places , like down by my pecker and also in back . Then he told us to put on our shorts and watch out where we were playing because there was a lot of poison ivy around the camp . I liked Rick and was glad he wasn 't a lady nurse , because that would have been embarrassing . I sat down on the stool next to him but we didn 't say anything at first . He was even smaller than me and was just sitting there swinging his legs and humming a tune . Finally I said , " What 's Rick going to do ? " The boy hopped onto it and lay down on his back . Rick poked his stomach and asked if it hurt and the boy said no . He asked him when he had last had a B . M . and the boy said three days ago . At this Tony got over onto his hands and knees and the collapsed his arms so his chest was on the table and his behind was in the air . Rick reached under the elastic of Tony 's shorts and pulled them down over his hips so that his behind was bare . It was a very small behind , and from where I was I could see right into his asshole , which was brownish . I hoped mine was cleaner . Rick took one of the rubber things and put it on his finger . Then he unscrewed the blue jar and took out one of the cone shaped sticks and unscrewed the Vaseline jar and dipped the cone into it . Then he came behind Tony and I couldn 't see his asshole anymore but I knew what was going to happen . " O . K . Fire one ! " And I could tell Rick was pushing the thing right into Tony 's behind . Tony gave a groan . Rick didn 't take his finger out right away and I could tell he was pushing the thing up as high as it he could with his finger . Tony did some more groaning . Then Rick took his finger out and took another cone and went behind Tony again . " Fire two ! " he said , and again Tony groaned as Rick pushed the second torpedo up his behind . Then he took out his finger as before . He took off the rubber thing and put a fresh one on , then he crooked his finger at me and patted the table . I got up onto it and lay down on my back the way I 'd seen Tony do . " Well , if you 've had enemas , these will be a cinch . " Then he told me to " assume the angle " and having watched Tony do it I was soon over on my knees with my arms collapsed and my bottom in the air . I felt Rick 's finger under the waistband of my shorts , and felt him draw them down , exposing my behind . I felt the soft air across my bottom and right into my asshole . I heard Rick making his preparations , putting on the rubber thing and other things , and then he was behind me with one hand pressing down on my back to make my behind stick out more . " Fire one ! " he said , and I felt the tip of the cone pressed against my hole , and then I felt it slide in , slippery as it was with Vaseline , and then I felt Rick 's finger going right into me , and it all felt very nice . I felt myself getting stiff in front , and was glad Rick couldn 't see . I pushed back with my bottom so he could get higher up me with his finger . I felt it go up me until his other fingers were pressed against me and he couldn 't go any further . Oh , it felt good ! He left his finger there for a while , then took it out . I felt very empty . I had never had someone 's finger up my behind before and decided I liked it very much . Again I felt the little cone go into my behind , followed by Rick 's finger . I heard myself give a little groan , but it was of pleasure not pain , and I felt my little cock throbbing . Rick worked his finger up as high as he could , then left it there for a while . I could feel his breath on my behind . " Good boy , Ricky " he said . " Now you two just stay as you are until the timer goes ding . That means Tony can get go to the John . And then when he 's finished , Ricky , you can go . O . K . ? I have to go now and see about a sick boy . " " Well , if you gotta go , you gotta go . " And I heard him give Tony 's behind a little smack as he went away again , and then I heard Tony get off the table and go into the little closet where the toilet was . and then I heard him letting go , and the noise echoed inside that little closet . I guess Rick heard him because he came back to inspect Tony 's production before allowing to flush . Then he asked me how I was doing and I said fine , which was true although I felt some rumblings inside me . But before long I started to feel very crampy and uncomfortable and I was sweating . But I was saved by the bell and when it went off I ran into the toilet and let go . It burned coming out and I decided I didn 't like suppositories much , though I liked the feeling of Rick 's finger in my behind . Somehow the guys in my cabin knew I 'd had the " torpedo " treatment . Maybe one of them had been at sick call . Anyway , during rest hour after lunch they asked me how I liked being torpedoed by " Coldfinger . " ( The movie " Goldfinger " was showing everywhere that summer ) . I said it was O . K . but they wouldn 't drop the subject One of them said that Rick got his jollies from pushing torpedoes up boys ' behinds . I didn 't say anything to that , but I thought that if so , then he and I would get along just fine . I came back for " torpedoes " two more times because of my being constipated and both times I loved the feeling of Rick 's finger in me but didn 't like the way the torpedo burned when it came out . What I really wanted I knew , was for Rick to give me an enema . I just missed mom 's enemas I guess and thought Rick would probably give me a nice one , man to man . But naturally I couldn 't just go and ask for one . Then fate stepped in . I got sick . Some sort of bug . I 'd felt kind of funny after supper and was glad when it was time for bed . Then in the middle of the night I felt awful and got up and went out to the latrine where I sat on the hole but couldn 't go . Then I felt like throwing up , and got up and bent over the hole , and sure enough I threw up . Afterwards I felt very tired and went back to sleep , but in the morning I felt all hot and achy and knew I was sick , because I just wanted to be in bed somewhere and be taken care of . When my turn came Rick stuck a thermometer in my mouth and asked me some questions I could answer by nodding or shaking my head , and when he took out the thermometer and read it he told me to follow him because I was going to be his " house guest " for a while . He led me down the hall to a room with two beds separated by a night stand . The far bed was empty , but there was a boy asleep in the near one . He was partway in his sleeping bag , even though it was a hot day , but he was far enough out of it for me to see that he wasn 't wearing anything . He looked to be a couple of years older than me . There was a guitar beside his bed , leaning against the wall . Rick said he was putting me in with this boy because here were no other boys in the infirmary and that what we had was not catching , so we could keep each other company . He said his name was Seth . I didn 't remember having seen him before . I asked Rick if I should have brought my sleeping bag and he said no , that the weather was supposed to stay hot for a while , but that he would send some boy down for my toothbrush later . Then he handed me a little bathrobe and told me to get undressed and into bed . So I undressed and got into bed and pulled the sheet up over me and curled up in a ball and in no time I was fast asleep and having strange dreams . I was awakened by someone shaking my shoulder and then pulling the sheet off me . It was Rick , and with him was a man I didn 't know who turned out to be the camp doctor , Dr . Wick . He sat down on my bed and asked me how I felt . I told him I felt hot and achy and that I 'd thrown up and felt sick at my stomach . He took my temperature and felt my pulse , then put on his stethoscope and listened to my chest , then my back , thumping me down my backbone . He looked into my ears , my eyes , and my throat , and poked and prodded my stomach for a long time , asking me if this hurt and if that hurt . Next he put his arm under my knee and raised it so it dangled freely , then hit it with a little hammer . My leg jerked . He did the same thing with the other knee . Then he did a strange thing . He took a pencil from his pocket and lifting one of my legs , ran it down the underside of my foot . It tickled , making me jerk my foot out of his hand . " Excellent , " he said . He didn 't say why my being ticklish there was excellent , but I was glad I had reacted the right way . Much later I found out this was a test for polio , because even though the Salk vaccine had been invented it was still quite new and summer camps didn 't want to take any chances . The doctor and Rick left the room and I could hear the doctor talking as they walked down the hall but I couldn 't make out what he was saying . After a while Rick came back to the room alone . He sat down on my bed and brushed my hair back with his hand . " The doctor wants you to have some enemas , " he said , giving me a sort of smile that seemed to say , " Look , I know , but what can I do ? It 's doctor 's orders . " Little did he know that those were the words I had been hoping for . Still , when I heard the word " enemas " some old fear swept over me . I wondered what he meant by " some " enemas . How many was some ? But I didn 't ask . I looked over at Seth , so see if he 'd heard my sentence , but he seemed to be still sleeping . Rick must have seen the fear in my face because he played with my hair again and said , " It won 't be so bad . You 've had them before , haven 't you ? At home ? Your mom ? " So I got out of my bed and sat next to Seth , naked as I was , and he played it again , teaching me the words . There was one verse that went , " A voice from the starboard shouted ' Ahoy ! ' / And there was my mother , sitting on a buoy " and because " buoy " rhymed with " ahoy " I thought he said " boy " and so I said , " Why was she sitting on a boy ? " Seth thought that was pretty funny . He knew a lot of Burl Ives songs like " The Fox " and " Go Tell Aunt Rhody " and " The Bluetail Fly " and my favorite , " The Big Rock Candy Mountain . " I sang along when I knew the words . He told me I had a nice singing voice , which I knew because back home I was head boy in our church choir . Seth turned toward the wall so I went back to my bed . Before long Rick came into the room and sat down on my bed and told me he was going to give me my enema now . This time I was pretty sure Seth was awake and listening . I could hear him in the examination room getting my enema ready for me , and all the old feelings I used to have hearing the preparations came rushing back , and I both wanted the enema very much and at the same time didn 't want it at all . I told myself that it didn 't really matter what I wanted or didn 't want because I was going to get it anyway . . It was doctor 's orders , after all . I heard the sound of metal hitting porcelain , and knew he was going to use a can like the one mom used on me at home . I wondered what the nozzle would be like , and whether he was going to use soap . I heard him filling the can and then the sound of the water being stirred . Soap . Then I heard him come down the hallway . He poked his head in and beckoned to me with his finger , smiling in a silly way . I got out of bed , put on the little bathrobe , which had no belt , and holding it together in front I followed him down the hall to the examination room . I saw the can hanging from the metal stand . It was enamel , like ours , and there was a long red tube like on ours coiled around the can , but instead of a nozzle there was , another rubber tube , smoother - looking than the regular tubing and with a little hole at one side very near the tip , so that it looked like a one - eyed snake . I had never seen anything like this before , and I wondered how it was going to feel . Rick patted the table and I got up . " On your left side , " he said . He took a rubber pillow and telling me to lift up he put it under my behind . He bent my upper leg so my knee was up by my chest . He made my arms and head comfortable . Then he took the tube from the can and laid it across my hip . It was thicker than a nozzle , but it looked soft , so I wasn 't afraid of it . I wondered how far up it was going to go . Rick must have sensed my concern . " This is called a rectal tube , " he said . " That 's because it 's a tube , and it goes into your rectum . Makes sense , doesn 't it ? If you 're used to the hard nozzle I think you 'll find this feels very nice . Any questions ? " " Oh . " I understood that because I played the piano by ear sometimes , if I knew the music , but I wasn 't sure how he was going to play the tube " by ear . " But I forgot about it , because now I was busy watching Rick , who was putting one of those little rubber things on his finger and coating it not with Vaseline but with something from a blue and white tube . " It 's called KY , " he said . " Here . Read all about it . " And he gave me the tube . I read the part that said " For easy insertion of rectal thermometers , enema , douche and similar type nozzles . " " Here goes , " he said , and I felt the cold jelly on my hole , then Rick 's finger working around the outside , then slipping right in . He worked his finger up , twisting it this way and that and sending tingling messages through me . I closed my eyes . My cock was hard and throbbing . I wanted him to keep his finger in me for a long time , but pretty soon he took it out . Then he picked up the rectal tube and , squeezed some jelly onto it and smeared it up and down the tube , coating it thoroughly so it would go in more easily . Then he lifted my cheeks again and I felt the blunt nose of the snake poking against my back door . Rick gave it a little push and it was inside . I liked the feeling of it . Slowly Rick worked the tube up into a ways . Then he said , " O . K . , ready , set , go ! " And he opened the clamp and the warm water flowed into me . I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of being filled with warm water , while Rick twisted the tube and worked it further up . " That 's your sigmoid flexture , " he said . " We 'll stop there . " He gave the tube a little twist , which sent nice feelings through me . Rick gave me my enema slowly , pausing often to let it " soak in " before going on , so there was no pain or cramping . Now and then he reached around and rubbed me , pushing the water higher up . I felt it churning inside me . He took the can off the hook and sort of waved it around , raising it and lowering it . I could feel the water surging in , then receding , like water at the seashore . I just lay there with my bottom sticking out and let Rick fill me . Finally the can made a gurgling sound , and I knew it was empty . I had taken the whole thing ! Rick told me I had done very well , and asked me if I could hold it in for a while . I said I could . He said he had to go check Seth 's temperature and if I had to go before he got back that was O . K . I noticed he took the Vaseline with him which I thought was strange because he had taken my temperature in my mouth , and Seth was a lot older than me . Imagining I was Seth and Rick was taking my temperature I started playing with the tube in my behind , pushing it in and out , and playing with my cock at the same time . This got me very excited , of course and I was starting to get my feeling , but I didn 't know when Rick might be coming back and I didn 't want him to catch me at it so I stopped . And none too soon , either . " You seem a little out of breath , " he said , " And you look flushed . " He felt my forehead . Then he looked down and saw my cock , which had disobeyed my order to go down , so I guess he figured out what I 'd been doing . But he didn 't say anything . He just reached behind me and took out the rectal tube . It was in much farther than a nozzle , so it took longer to come out . When I was sure there was no more I called Rick and he came and looked and said I had needed that enema and didn 't I feel much better with all that stuff washed out of me ? I said I did . And it was true . This news made me get excited again , so I was glad to be able to turn my back and walk down the hall to my room , or rather I should say Seth 's and my room . Seth was turned to the wall again so I didn 't have to hide my hard - on from him . I felt nice and sleepy after my enema , so I got into bed and pulled the sheet up over me and curled up in a ball , and soon I was sound asleep too . When I woke up Seth was still sleeping . He was lying on his back , and he was half hard . His cock was a lot bigger than mine , and he had a bush of hair down there . Otherwise his body was smooth like mine . I noticed the Vaseline jar on his night table , and next to it the thermometer in a glass of water or some liquid . I thought it must be very embarrassing to have your temperature taken that way at his age . It was none of my business , of course , but then neither had my enema been any of his business . Then he looked down , and said , " I 've got this fever that goes up and down , and have to keep accurate records . They take it rectally because it 's more accurate . " Then I said it must be embarrassing to have your temperature taken that way , but he said it was no big deal and that you get used to it . I said I hadn 't had my temperature taken that way since I was about six and he said ' " Well , I guess you must really miss it then . don 't you , little guy ? " I laughed , but I could feel my cheeks get warm . t was strange how Seth seemed to know what I was thinking . He really seemed to have me figured out . I wondered if I 'd been talking in my sleep or something . Rick just laughed . He took a thermometer case from his pocket , took out the thermometer , shook it down and put it in my mouth . I thought of getting even with Seth by making some remark about his having his temperature taken in his bottie like a baby but I didn 't , because Seth was really sick and that was not something to joke about . Anyway , I couldn 't talk with the thermometer in my mouth . If I tried to with my mom she always said , " You keep your mouth closed , dear and the thermometer under your tongue like a good boy unless you want me to put it somewhere else where you can talk your head off . " If Gwen was around she would giggle at that . He listened to Seth 's chest for a long time , moving the stethoscope around to various places . When he took it out of his ears I said , " That thing should be called a Stethoscope . " I thought it was pretty clever , and Rick laughed , but Seth just groaned . Then Rick reached for the thermometer and Seth flopped over onto his stomach , but I couldn 't see his behind because Rick was in the way . Anyway , I knew it wasn 't nice to watch , so I turned toward the wall and listened . After a while I heard Rick get up so I turned my head an saw Seth lying on his stomach with the thermometer sticking out of his behind . Rick was writing on Seth 's chart but I knew that wouldn 't take him long so I turned my head back to the wall . Thinking about Seth with that thermometer in his behind made me hard again . Maybe it was no big deal for Seth but it sure was for me . I wished Rick would take mine that way . At about six o ' clock Rich brought us our dinners , clear broth for me and spaghetti and meatballs for Seth . I drank all of my broth and still felt hungry , but Seth only ate a little of his dinner . I wondered when I was going to get my enema . Maybe Rick had forgotten . " Can you play chess ? " Seth asked . I said I could but I wasn 't too good . He reached over to the nightstand took a small chess set out of the drawer and began setting it up on his bed . He beat me easily the first game , but the second was a draw . He was a good player but I held my own pretty well . He was winning the third game when we heard Rick coming down the hall . " Atta boy , " said Rick . Then I felt his hand pressing down on my back , making my behind stick out even more . I felt his eyes looking at my asshole . I was glad it was clean . Then I felt his finger pressed against it , and then it was in me , working the Vaseline around . Next he inserted the rubber tube that he had used before , pushing it up several inches . It felt very nice . Again I imagined it was a small snake with a blunt head . Rick opened the clamp and the rush of warm water hit me and I closed my eyes in bliss . " This is going to be just a quick rinse , " Rich said . " That 's why I had you ' assume the angle ' . The water flows in faster . For a cleansing enema I let the water in very slowly , but for a rinse I make it go in faster . " I lay there letting Rick fill me up , panting a little when I started feeling full . . Then Rick closed the clamp . Rick had me lie flat on my stomach , then carefully turned me over onto my back , holding the tube in place in my behind as he did so . He raised my knees . Then he began massaging me , working the water up into me . Of course I was hard and of course he noticed . " It 's the warm water , and something called the prostate gland . It 's a physical reaction and doesn 't necessarily mean you like enemas . " I thought about that while Rick massaged me , twisting the tube in my bottom from time to time . " Certainly not . It just means you like the feeling , and if it turns you on , well , go ahead and enjoy it . Now I 'm going to leave you alone for a while . I 'll be back in exactly five minutes . If you need to go sooner than that just ring this bell . " And he handed me a small silver bell . Then he left . When Rick came back I was dozing off , but I 'm sure he could tell from the color of my face what I 'd been doing . He smiled at me and nodded his head up and down . Then he slowly drew the tube out of me , wiped me off , and helped me to the toilet . " Oh , shut up , " I said , throwing off my bathrobe and getting into bed . I was tired of Seth 's sarcastic comments . I pulled the sheet over me and faced away from him . I went right to sleep and didn 't wake up until I felt my bed sag , and there was Rick , sitting on it , and it was morning . " Tons better , " I said . He brought me a soft - boiled egg and a piece of dry toast , the first solid food I 'd had . It tasted good . " Oh ! Such language ! You should have your mouth washed out with soap ! But never mind , you 'll soon have your little bee - hind washed out with soap . " " All right , then , you asked for it . " And in no time he had come over , pulled the sheet off me , and grasped me around the middle . Sitting down , he pulled me across his lap and pinned my arms up my back . " No ! Please ! I didn 't mean it ! " I was mostly play - acting , because I knew he wasn 't going to really spank me . " It 's too late for apologies . You 're in for a bottom - warming . " And he began spanking me , not too hard , just enough to sting . Then he started tickling me in between spanks , and rubbing my behind , making me I squirm on his lap . My stiff pecker rubbed against his thigh , and now and then I felt his much bigger one pressing against my stomach . I was giggling and crying " Ouch ! That hurts ! " at the same time . Soon I found myself on the table again , on my side with my legs drawn up , and Rick was putting the little rubber thing on his finger and smearing it with Vaseline . I stared up at the enamel can hanging from the stand . There was a little stick sticking up , which I guessed he had used to stir in the soda . " Your bottom 's a nice shade of pink , " he said , " It shows right through your tan . " We boys had " all - over " tans of course , from swimming and playing in the nude so much . Rick lifted my upper cheek and I felt him swirl his finger around my rosebud and then poke right in . " Coldfinger " was getting me very hot . If he had kept up his finger massage much longer I would have had my feeling , but he soon replaced his finger with the rubber tube , which he had anointed with KY as before . I felt the nice slippery snakelike thing go into me and closed my eyes . Up and up it went , with the warm water preceding it . When it reached the something flexture , that bend in my gut where he had stopped before , Rick said , " We 're going all the way up today . " " We made it ! " said Rick . " It 'll be smooth sailing from now on . " And he worked the tube higher and higher , pushing water ahead of it , and sometimes pulling it back before pushing it further up again . This went on for some time . I pushed my bottom out to be helpful , and Rick worked the tube back and forth , causing indescribable sensations inside me , until I felt something fatter go into me . " That 's the nozzle inside the tube , " said Rick . " That 's as far as we go . You now have eighteen inches of rubber tubing up your behind . " Rick turned me over onto my back and gave a twist of the tube so that the nozzle inside it was pushed right up against my bottom . I loved the feeling . Then he massaged my tummy , ignoring my hard - on . I felt and heard the water sloshing around inside me . Then Rick opened the clamp and more water came into me . There was a clock on the wall above me so I knew I had five minutes alone . I took my cock in one hand and the tube in the other and soon was giving myself a nice little treatment that ended in my having my dry orgasm right then and there . I felt a little water leak out during my spasms , but otherwise I was fairly calm and breathing almost normally when Rick returned . Still , he gave me a sort of crooked smile that said he knew what I 'd been up to . Rick turned me onto my side again and began snaking out the tube . It felt almost as good coming out as it had done going up me , and it just came and came , and I thought the tip would never come out . But finally it did . Rick wiped me off and helped to the toilet , and after I had gotten rid of the water , and some solid stuff , too , I wiped and got up - and almost fell over . But what ? It was boring when I was awake and Seth was sleeping . I wished he would play a game with me or something , or sing some songs . I looked at his guitar leaning against the wall . I wondered if he would mind if I tried it out , and decided he would . I wandered out of the room and down the corridor to the examination room . I saw the enema can , upside down to dry , and above it , draped over a peg , the tube that had recently been inside me , also drying . I smelled it . It smelled mostly of rubber , not of my poop . I wondered how many boys ' behinds that tube had gone up . I saw the blue jar full of " torpedoes " and next to it the Vaseline . Very quickly I unscrewed the cap and gouged out a gob and screwed the cap back on . Reaching back , I poked my finger into my bottom as far as I could , then took it out . I had a hard on . I wiped my finger on a tissue and put it in the waste basket . I fantasized Rick was Sherlock Holmes and had found the tissue . " Look , Watson , this tissue has . . . hmm . . . petroleum jelly on it , and something else . Aha ! Yes ! That odor ! It smells like . . . BOY ! Quick , Watson , no time to lose . The game 's afoot ! ! " Back in my room I flopped onto my bed . I remembered one of my mother 's favorite sayings : " The Devil makes work for idle hands " . Well , I would prove her right . I was sleeping off my Devil 's work when Rick came in with some beef broth with crackers . Sleepily I sat up and took a sip of broth . It tasted good , and soon I had devoured both broth and crackers . When Seth did finally wake up it was mid - afternoon . I had been lying on my bed singing to myself a piece by Haendel called " Wash Me Throughly From My Wickedness " a very appropriate song for me to be singing considering that I had earlier been washed very " throughly " and also had more recently been quite wicked . Would an enema wash me of my wickedness ? Or would it stimulate me to be even wickeder ? I looked across at Seth and he was on his side , partway up singing . I couldn 't believe it , him knowing that piece , and also him being able to sing it , because his voice was almost changed . I turned and sat on the edge of my bed , and he did the same and then we were standing and singing at each other , and somewhere in the middle his voice cracked and we both got lost and broke out laughing and we exchanged high fives , slapping each other 's hands quite hard and laughing , because it was such a miraculous thing , Seth knowing the piece too . It turned out that Seth had been a choirboy too and had sung the piece with another boy , just as I had done . So we talked choirboy talk for some time , comparing notes and sharing stories . And after a while I asked Seth if he could teach me to play the guitar and he said sure and he sat on the edge of his bed and I sat on his lap and he put his arms around me and his hands on my hands and showed me the chords and how to pluck and strum the strings . It was nice sitting on his lap and feeling him under me . One time he said , " Stop squirming , you 're giving me a hard on ! " " You mean ' The Big Rock Candy Mountain ' O . K . " And he sang it , while I tried to memorize the words . Some of the words were pretty funny , like " the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft - boiled eggs . " And when he came to the one that went " In the Big Rock Candy Mountain , you never change your socks / And little streams of lemonade come trickling down the rocks " he changed it to " come trickling out of your cocks . " He had me really giggling over that one . I ate all of my supper , and for once Seth ate all of his too . Rick was amazed when he came in later . He looked at me and smiled , as if I had something to do with it . And maybe I did . It can get pretty lonely if you 're the only sick boy , and having me there kind of cheered him up , I guess . I think he sort of liked me , even though he didn 't always act like he did . I pushed back against it , to let him know I was liking it . But soon his finger was out and the tube was in , and going up rather faster than the first time . It went around the flexture with no problem , and , pushing the warm water ahead to open the way , it soon was all the way in me , with the nozzle lodged inside my behind . Rick waved the can up and down , making waves inside me . Then he turned me onto my back with my knees up and massaged the water higher in higher . I lay back , breathing deeply , as Rick filled me . My cock was standing up as usual , but I was used to having Rick see this by now , and knew it was normal in boys my age , and didn 't mean I was queer or anything . He took out his finger and dipped it into the jar again and applied some more cream , inside and out . Then he wiped off the excess and gave my bottom a light slap to indicate he was finished with me . I grabbed my bathrobe and put it on . Pretty soon Rick came in and said it was time for lights out , so Seth switched off the lamp he was reading by . It wasn 't really dark because there was a moon shining in our window . My behind felt all squishy inside from the cream Rick had put there , and I wanted to put my finger in and play with my cock , but I knew Seth was still awake so I didn 't . I just lay there listening to the silence . I knew this was my last night in the infirmary , and for some reason it made me feel sad . Then I heard my voice , which sounded like it was coming from far away . I leapt out of bed and ran over to Seth 's bed and jumped in . He put his arms around me and I put my face down on his chest , and when he ran his hand down my back I shivered with pleasure and snuggled in closer to him . He sniffed my hair , then began singing , very , very softly , into my ear : " On a summer 's day , in the month of May , a burly bum came a hiking . . . . . . . " The first thing I remember in the morning was the sheet being pulled off of us and I knew without opening my eyes that Rick was standing there above us , probably smiling as he looked down at us , two boys , one big , one little , lying naked in bed together , arms and legs entwined . I pretended to be asleep . Then I felt the bed sag and Rick 's hand on my hip , rocking it back and forth . But for years afterwards my fondest memories of my summer camp were not swimming bare ass or hiking in the woods or playing Indian but those two days I spent in the infirmary , of Rick and his torpedoes and his wonderful enemas and most of all of Seth , and how he sang with me and taught me how to play the guitar and of the night we spent together , in his bed . [ Note : The Haendel piece is spelled correctly . That is , " Wash Me Throughly " not " Thoroughly " ] DMCA noticeSite IndexContact Us Language section Copyrights belong to respective holders . Disclaimer : All photos , images and links to external content are provided by users . We take no responsibility for the content added / uploaded by users .
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The first understanding Holly had the next morning was how incredibly bad her head hurt . No . Hurt didn 't do it justice . Throbbed . Jabbed . Stabbed . That was closer . Ached . To be sure . Spun , wrenched , pounded . All those had a place in describing how utterly horrible she felt . Forcing her eyes open although that only made her nauseous , she looked around the room . Rebecca 's bed was fully made with all the stuffed animals in place on the pillows . The thought of class pulled Holly up , but that made it worse . Much worse . She sank back into the pillows with a low moan . She put her hand to her head , wishing it would just stop pounding for a minute . Six seconds . She would 've taken six seconds of relief . Her lungs hurt . Her arms hurt , too . Slowly a centimeter at a time she turned her head to catch the digits on the clock . 10 : 33 . She coughed softly , moving as little as possible because that felt like a jackhammer to her brain . She 'd missed class no matter what day it was . Her brain tried to find that information . Day ? Umm … The last thing she remembered … She squinted to find it . Sitting on some steps on campus . That was the last thing she really remembered . It hurt to think that hard , but it was important for her to know what had happened after that . Slowly images and information began to resurface . " Ugh . " She rolled over , wishing the world would just go away . Had she really embarrassed herself that badly with her friends ? They were going to disown her . Thoughts of her mother did nothing to make anything better . Holly wondered if she had called again . Her luck she 'd been trying to call since yesterday , and Holly would be in for another lecture . Knowing it was going to kill her but knowing also she had to at least check , she rolled slowly back over and sat up . The room swayed and pitched around her like a sailboat tossed in a storm . She put her hand to her head and the other to the edge of the bed , trying to make it stop . " Ugh . " This was destined to be the longest day of her life . She pulled herself to standing and swayed several times as she swallowed the dryness in her mouth and tried to remember where she might have put her purse . There was literally no telling . The memories held only bad , so she stopped going there . Maybe if she got some coffee and something easy on the stomach like bread , maybe then she would feel good enough to think about finding it . Sniffing back the offensive odor in her nose , she stumbled to the door to her room and out into the hallway . She listened for voices , but there were none . That was good . At least she wouldn 't have to face her friends . She put her hand to her head again because it felt so heavy it might fall right off her shoulders . She 'd turned the corner and was in the middle of the living room before her gaze caught the movement on the couch . It stopped her with a whack that almost pitched her to the floor . Gabriel turned the second he heard her and dropped the paper he 'd been trying to read for two hours . He swung to standing , breathing in the fact that she really was in the same room he was . " Holly . " Perfect peace washed through him . She was here . She was safe . Everything else they could deal with . Knowing it was the best he could do , he stepped over to her and gathered her into his arms . All he wanted to do was hold her forever . At first she hesitated , but he didn 't let go . In fact , he let the prayers of thanksgiving flow right through his arms . As the hug continued , she relaxed and melted into his arms . That was even better . To feel her stop fighting , stop running - that was the best feeling ever . When Gabe looked down at her , there was no more reason to deny she was who God had chosen for him . All that remained was to convince her of that . " I called Mr . Teracini last night when I couldn 't get a hold of you . He sent me on his plane to make sure you were okay . " " Of course he cares , Holly . " Gabe put his hands on his hips feeling the chill of his arms without her in them . " What makes you think he wouldn 't ? " It was all too much for her - Gabriel being here , the images from the previous nightmares she had lived through , the concept that her life meant anything to Luke . She sniffed it all back , trying to keep it behind the dam that was weak and cracking . Squeezing her eyes to keep the tears back only made her head hurt worse . She hadn 't realized she was holding her breath until the gasp ripped through her . Desperately she fought to swallow all the emotions attacking her , but they were vicious and overpowering . And then he was there . Gently his hands came to her arms . She felt them , warm and strong , not wavering , not running . Like a soft breeze he turned her to him , and with nothing else to grab onto , she latched onto him . He didn 't say anything , just held her . The feel of his soft jacket was like the warmest pillow she 'd ever felt . And without really thinking past how thankful she was to have a shoulder to cry on , Holly let the tears stream out of her soul and down her face . " Mom called . She said it was over . I knew what that meant . We never go back . Never . She wouldn 't let me if I wanted to . In fact , she 'd be furious if she knew you were here right now . " It was the truth . She could hear her mother 's yelling even as she stood there . Gathering some composure , Holly wiped her nose and stepped back . " Why are you here anyway ? " The simplicity of that answer shook across the belief she 'd grown up with - the belief that no one would ever love her at the moment she needed them most , that they would never even know the moment that she needed them the most . " But it 's across the country . " More thoughts , saner thoughts came to her . " And you 're missing classes . " She turned to him , intent on explaining why he should not waste his time on her . " And what about your mom ? She 's going to flip . " Slowly Gabriel shook his head although his gaze never left her . " Not after what you did for me . Besides , she knows how I feel about you . " She shook her head , sending her balance tipping and sliding . " No , it 's not . You don 't even know me . You don 't know all the things I 've done . " For one second he said nothing , and then determination came over him . " Okay , then tell me . Right here . Right now . Put all your cards on the table . " He planted his hands at his beltline . " No , Holly . I 'm serious . You keep acting like you 're made of kryptonite or something , and if I get close , I 'm going to spontaneously combust . Well , if it 's so bad , whatever it is , then tell me because right now , I 'm not seeing what 's so horrible . " It really wasn 't fair to be asked to do this on an empty stomach with a hangover the size of Mount Everest . However , she was tired of fighting it . She was tired of trying to be someone she clearly wasn 't . Last night should 've proven that beyond all questioning . She reached up and rubbed her hand across her forehead . " Fine . But don 't say you didn 't ask for it . " As Holly walked around the couch and sat in the side chair , Gabe prayed whatever it was that he would in fact have the guts to stay . " Lord , please , " he breathed , " whatever it is , help me to be here for her . " He followed her and sat on the couch , where he shifted to get comfortable , anchored his gaze on her , and fell silent . She never even looked at him . Her gaze was glued to her hands which were folded in a clench on her knees . A moment . She closed her eyes , took a breath , and the words came . " I grew up knowing I wasn 't enough . My dad left before I was one . He died when I was two . I don 't even remember him . After that , there was a whole string of guys - some real prospects , some just a fix for the night . I didn 't know most of them . They left before I got up in the morning . It wasn 't at all a surprise to find a guy I 'd never met in the kitchen eating breakfast . " I guess I figured that 's the way everybody lived , the way it was done , you know ? It was all I ever knew . So that 's how I did it , too . I went on dates , if you could call them that . Most of them were more make - out sessions than dates . We rarely did much more than find a dark spot with good visibility control . That was my idea of being with someone . By the time I saw them at school the next morning , they didn 't even remember my name . " Everyone knew about how I was . The girls made comments , the guys made different comments . I pretty much avoided everybody because that was easier . " She let out a breath . " We moved so much about the time everyone figured it out , I 'd be gone again . " " When I was a senior , we were living in Missouri , and I met Chase Morgan . He was different than all the other guys . I don 't know why , but he was the first guy who really liked me for me . He asked me to a dance , and we actually danced , you know ? We didn 't head out to his truck at the first intermission . After the dance , he took me home and kissed me on the cheek . That was something so different . Something I 'd never had before . I didn 't tell anyone - especially Mom . She had this theory about guys like him that I won 't even repeat . It was really bad . " Anyway , Chase and I started going together , and things were going great - or so I thought . He asked me to the Winter Ball , and I was so excited , I couldn 't stand it . Of course by that time we were finding out of the way places to meet too , but that was okay - at least it didn 't start out that way . The night before the dance I did my dress rehearsal . Mom said she 'd let me borrow Grandma 's pearls . I felt like a real princess . Mom and Jack , her husband at the time , made a big fuss over me . They took all these pictures , and I was just floating . Finally something was working out . " " The next night I was getting ready for the dance . Mom was at work at the hospital . I knew Jack was home , but I didn 't really think much about it . " She wiped across the bottom of her eye although Gabe knew she wasn 't actually crying . " So I went into Mom 's room to get the pearls , and I heard him come in . " There was a long breath . She shook her head , the battle to say the words was clear . " I don 't know how or why , but he asked if he could put them on me . I said , ' Yes . ' He did , and then when I turned around … " Pain sliced through her features . She slammed her eyes closed . " Oh … " The breath was hard and laden with hurt . " I can 't do this . " In his spirit Gabe was already hacking gashes into Jack . That he 'd hurt her badly was pretty much certain by that point . " It 's okay , Holly . It 's okay . Take your time . " She nodded , heaved a breath , and then took a slower one . " He wasn 't rough about it , but I knew what he wanted . He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he 'd always been in love with me . I didn 't want to stay . I didn 't . I just wanted to get away from him , to get away from there , from what was happening , but he told me he 'd leave my mom if I didn 't . He said he 'd tell her if I ever said anything . " Strangely , the tears , the emotions left , leaving a void in her voice that was unsettling . " After it was over , I got up , I got ready , and I went to the dance . " " Chase asked me to go steady on the way to the dance . " The laugh was hollow and ache - filled . " How could I say yes by then ? You know ? How ? He didn 't know what he was asking , who he was asking . " Her gaze fell back to her hands . " I told him no , and by the time the night was over , I was with Eddie Danillo , and Chase hated me . " Slowly she pushed a strand of her hair over her ear . " A month later I graduated . I went to junior college there in Lanford because Mom said it was smart , and then one night they had a fight . Jack walked out . Two months later she met Bradley . I thought things would get better . I wanted them to so bad . I really did . School was going good . I was dating again . And then one night , he came home drunk . " She was distancing again . It was painful to watch how easily she shut off the emotions . " He started making comments about how beautiful I was and how Mom had nothing on me . " There was no real breath , more a pause to absorb oxygen . " The next day I packed up , and I moved to Boston - not harm , no foul . Not even an explanation . Of course in six weeks , Bradley was history . Three months later she married Dan . He was a good enough guy . Too good for her probably . His family was really nice to me , too . They even gave me Christmas presents . Course I was forbidden to ever see them again when she left him in March . He had agreed to help me with college , and then when she left him for Luke , I was cut loose again . Now she 's left Luke for Brian somebody who I 'm sure is an upstanding pillar of the community type of a guy . And in six months , or three , or two , who knows ? " Somehow in all the names , he still hadn 't heard the one he 'd expected to hear . " Wait . What about Steve ? How does he fit into all this ? " " Steve ? " She seemed genuinely confused by the question . " I don 't … Oh . " Again her eyes fell closed . More memories . More wounds opened up . It killed him to open them , to make them bleed again . But he needed to know , needed not to be rummaging around in the darkness of her life he couldn 't clearly understand . He leaned forward slightly and waited , hoping this was something completely trivial with no real connection to all the other junk . " Ugh . " This story got worse and worse . Gabriel let his gaze travel to the sunlight streaming from the windows . He didn 't want to leave , but he had to have a moment to process everything . A moment and another , and he forced his gaze back to her . " That still doesn 't tell me who Steve is . " Holly 's head fell with her gaze . When she shook her head , all he saw was the part in her hair and the sadness cloaking her . " We went out one night - Jean Paul and I . " The breathing became heavy and hard again , and he knew she was fighting the tears vehemently . He just couldn 't tell who was winning . With everything in him , Gabe wanted to go to her and hold her , but he wasn 't sure if that would help or hurt . Finally he slid from the couch and knelt at her feet . His gaze found her face which was etched in indescribable pain . Gabe closed his eyes . He 'd heard of that from some of the guys on campus . They made it sound like the coolest thing ever . To him , it sounded like the most disgusting thing ever . She nodded . Far from hating her , he loved her now more than ever . She had survived hell . Gently , he wrapped her in his arms . As he did so , he vowed that what was past was past . Never again would she be caught up in that yuck with no one to turn to . Holly leaned into his embrace mostly out of exhaustion . Physical . Mental . Emotional . Spiritual . She was wiped out . She had a thought that pulled her back where she could wipe her eyes . " Did Luke really ask about me ? " Gabriel 's gaze was inches from her - steady and concerned . " What do you think - I stole his plane without him knowing it ? That would be grand theft airplane . I don 't think so . " " Not at you . " Gabriel pulled her to her feet , sat down in the chair , and pulled her down into his embrace . " Look , I know this is hard for you . It 's hard to separate yourself from all the junk your mom has done and brought into your life , but the way I see it , you have a choice . You can keep letting her jerk you around , or you can start making your own decisions - standing on your own two feet . " Under her , Gabriel shifted his legs suddenly , but he caught her with no effort . " Just like me , huh ? I dropped you the minute I found out . Yep , that Holly . She isn 't worth keeping around anyway . " " No , I know what you meant , but don 't you get it ? That stuff 's in the past if you let it be . Look around you . Your friends were hysterical looking for you last night , and I flew for the first time in a plane that felt like it was going to crash in one of those cornfields the whole way here . Why did we do that ? " He tilted his head to look at her . " Why , Holly ? " " Because we love you , that 's why . Not because of who your mom is or where you 're from or what you have or don 't have . We love you because of you . " He nudged into her . " It 's time you realize , you 're not that person anymore . You 've changed . Give yourself some credit . You made it through all that , and here you are with friends who love you and a guy who can 't live without you . " " I know . I know . I 'm a sap . So sue me . " His gaze grew serious . " I completely freaked out last night when they couldn 't find you , Holly . I just kept thinking , ' What if I never see her again ? What if she got on that plane , and that 's the last time we 'll ever be together ? ' " His gaze fell . " I couldn 't let that happen . " Holly understood her own need for him , but the fact that he still wanted to be with her made no sense . " But what about all the other stuff ? What about all the stupid things I did ? " Answering that hurt . " Because I knew that 's all I deserved . I didn 't think I 'd ever hear from you again or Luke . I just wanted to bury the hurt . " It was a question she hadn 't considered . " Well , no . " She shook her head , seeing the other options that had really been available . " Em and Becca would 've listened . " " You 're not alone anymore , Holly . Okay ? You 're not . You have people here who love you , who want to help … if you 'll let us . " Paybacks were in order . Holly had tested their friendships to the limits , and they had come through … again . At two she suggested making the others a special supper , to thank them , and Gabriel agreed . They were elbow deep in Gabriel 's four - alarm chili when Rebecca made it home at four . Gabriel stood next to Holly and picked up three dishes and a pan . Feeling how wonderful it was to be in his presence again , she reached out for the things he had . He handed them to her and grabbed more . " Enjoy it , " Jeremy said as he entered the kitchen with the others . " I kept thinking , ' Can 't wait to get out … Can 't wait to get out … When I get out … Only one more year … ' Now I 'm out , and it 's ' Man , what was I thinking ? ' " From the other side of him at the sink , Jeremy caught him in the ribs with another elbow . " She 's onto you , man . You 'd better run for your money . " " It 's okay , Eric . " Holly stepped up behind him to put another pot in the water as she put her hand on his back . " Some of us are grateful you 're a good punching bag . " She smiled at him with thankfulness in her eyes . He had stepped between her and hell at least three times now . How she 'd ever gotten so lucky to have all of them , she couldn 't clearly tell , but she was grateful nonetheless . " Oh , I wouldn 't be so sure about that . " Gabriel glanced at Holly and smiled . It was a world only they knew . " You think that 's true , Holly ? " He stepped across the kitchen and put his arms around her . " Are the guys out West better ? " She was swimming in his eyes . They held such peace and love - even now . How that was possible , she had no idea . " I 'm not complaining . " On Sunday , Gabriel knew he couldn 't stay forever . That didn 't mean he wanted to leave . At her apartment complex , he knocked , but when she came to the door , he didn 't want everyone and their dog to be around for this moment . " Morning . " His hands slipped up to his waistband . It still did funny things to see her , especially like this . She had on her jeans and a cable knit sweater . It wasn 't fashionable or even particularly nice . But it was comfortable and easy - going just like the real her . " Morning . " She shut the door behind her and wrapped her hand in his as they started outside . The October sun had yet to really relinquish its warmth . Bright and inviting , it shone down upon the early fall morning . There was a little walking trail through the courtyard that led down to the sitting garden . It wasn 't much more than six sets of flowers and a bench , but Gabriel angled their steps that direction anyway . " Oh , I was going to tell you , " Holly said , suddenly excited . " Luke called me last night . His new secretary is giving him fits . " Her laugh lifted his spirit . She took two long , slow steps . " Actually he said he 's scheduled a trip out here in a couple weeks . He said it 's business , but I think he wants to check up on me , too . " Her smile was soft . " Yeah , that 's good . " Three more steps . " I think Mom 's moving to Seattle . She called me last night . " Sadness drifted over her . " I wish I could do more than just pray for her . She 's really struggling . " Gabe arched his arm and put it around her , hugging her to him tightly . He leaned over and kissed the top of her head . " You could come with me . " They 'd arrived at the tiny garden , and he pushed through the wrought iron gate . " There are schools in California . You know ? Good schools . Schools that can teach you how to be an excellent kindergarten teacher . " At the little wrought iron bench , Gabe sat and pulled her down with him . He didn 't say anything for a long moment . " I don 't know . Am I ? " Holly sat up and looked at him . Nowhere in his eyes did she see teasing . Levity left her as well . " Gabriel , what are you saying ? " He looked away , closed his eyes , and then his gaze came back to her face . " Look , I know you haven 't had anything solid in your life , and I know you want to put down roots and find that stability . " He leaned forward and took her hands in his . " And I want you to do that with me . " He shook his head . " I know it 's crazy to ask . We 've both got school , and we can 't think about marriage right now . But Holly , you 've got to know , I can 't see tomorrow without you . I can 't . I don 't want to walk away again , hoping you won 't find someone to replace me . " In his voice was hope and hopelessness . Holly sat , looking at him , knowing he couldn 't be asking what she thought he was . His gaze trapped hers . She stared at him , searching his eyes for what any of this meant . " But how ? I can 't just transfer in the middle of the semester . And where would I live , where would I go ? " All the questions attacked her at once . " I 'm not saying , ' No , ' " she said softly , wanting to quell the hurt in his eyes , " but I 've lived my whole life with one impulsive decision after another - because it was easier , because Mom couldn 't live without him . " She took a long breath . " You know that I love you ? " When Holly put him on the plane an hour later , she had never doubted a decision more . Still , she hugged him , kissed him , and told him good - bye . However , by the time she got home , she knew he was right . Being here without him , being anywhere without him wasn 't something she ever wanted to do again . In her room , she grabbed her calendar and then the phone . It was a leap of faith , she knew , but it was all she could think to do . " Hello . Yes , is Luke there ? This is Holly . " The plane ride home was worse than the plane ride to Boston . Exhaustion filling him , Gabe laid his head on the window and watched the tiny world float by below . He knew she was right . She needed to be there . It made no sense to pick up and move everything . He shouldn 't have even asked her . It was just that walking away , watching her walk away ripped his heart in two , and he wasn 't sure how many more times he could do that . As he closed his eyes , he asked God for the strength to hold onto the knowledge that He had a plan for them . That plan would be done in His way and His time . It was a matter of whether Gabe could stay in one piece until that happened . The trust that this waiting requires does not totally diminish with the proven times God has worked in a life , but those times do help . They give the rich soul solid proof that God does work , that His ways are above the ways of the world , that if it hasn 't worked out now , the rich soul can always add the word , " Yet . " It hasn 't worked out " Yet . " It hasn 't worked out the way I thought it would " Yet . " I don 't see how it can ever work out " Yet . " Yet allows the rich soul to walk through the darkness of what is now , believing that the light is only a matter of ' when ' not ' if . ' God is a God of when , not if . Hope comes from having faith in the ultimate victory of God . Not if , but when . As rich souls walk through life , they might not see evidence other than through their faith that anything about their present situation might work out . But the rich soul will stand in the secure understanding that God 's timing is worth waiting for . Instead of forcing , vow only to take the step He is asking you to take at this moment , knowing that " yet " is coming and " when " is a conclusion not a question mark . For when it is right , when it is ready , when it is His will , He will most assuredly grant the desires of your heart . Take this step . This one - in trust and faith . In doing so you can walk in True Power & Real Peace knowing all the questions are already answered in His time , in His love , and in His wisdom . It will happen . It just hasn 't happened yet . Why was it God had an answer for everything ? But still , Gabe smiled . " Okay , I get it . I 'll take this step . This one , and I 'll put the rest in Your hands . Your timing , Your will , Your wisdom be done this time and every time , now and forever . Amen . " Holly couldn 't look at them and say the words , so she anchored her gaze on her chili . " I 'm moving to California in December . Luke has agreed to let me come stay with him . I can go to school right there in the Valley . " Slowly Holly shook her head . " I need to finish out this semester . I 've got my classes and my credits to think about . I need to do that for me first , but then … " Emily 's gaze fell to her bowl . " Well , I 'm not going to be here either . We 'll be staying in Colorado after the wedding . " " Marry ? " Holly asked , jumping . " Who said anything about marriage ? " But as she let the word into her consciousness , she realized she 'd been thinking the same thing . " Do you really think he 'd ask me to marry him ? " " Trust me , those walks can change your life forever , " Emily said with a smile that sent hope spiraling through Holly . Maybe , just maybe Emily was right . If so , she couldn 't wait for that special walk . " Oh , Holly , I 'm sorry , " Gabriel said , stopping her . " I shouldn 't have asked you to do that . It was selfish of me , and … " " I 'm not moving right now , but this is my last semester here . I talked to Em and Becca tonight , and this makes sense . Em will be staying in Colorado after the wedding anyway , and Becca only has one more semester after this one . There 's no future for me here , and besides , Luke 's excited about having me back . " Cold hardly did the weather justice . Frigid was a better description . Frigid with a generous snow pack which was being added to by the second was even closer . " Where did your wrap go ? " Holly asked as she readjusted the soft blue bow of the flower girl 's dress . They 'd only met the night before , but they 'd become fast friends . " Well , first of all , satin and six inches of fur is not going to help . " At the mirror in the church 's little chapel , Rebecca adjusted the top of the dress . Her hair , now cut in a chopped and flipped style , framed her glasses - free face . However , she was used to neither the hairstyle nor the glamour . And Holly had reason to suspect there was another matter not making her the normal , down - to - earth Rebecca Holly knew so well . " Haha . " Rebecca held out her hand for the ninety - seventh time since she and Eric had stepped off the plane . " It is beautiful , isn 't it ? " Holly jumped to her feet and raced to it . Opening it , she couldn 't help but marvel at the dramatic change in both her roommates . Emily , normally the coolest of them all , rushed in , a large white bag in her hand . Behind her the veil streamed , held to her flowing hair by a dazzling tiara . " Ugh . We almost got stuck ! " she wailed , unzipping and removing whatever she found at the speed of light . " Can you help me with this ? " Holly bounded into action . " What do you need ? " As if she 'd done this before , she had Emily in the dress and elegant shoes in no time . " Oh , Em . That dress is to die for ! " Delicate gold accents swept side to side across the top of the bodice with the same cap sleeves as her bridesmaids . The faint gold embroidery then flourished into a wide belt at the waist , finishing in a cascading v down the front . It had a dramatic fall from the waist to the chapel length train on the back . With her hair up but tumbling down in loose spiral curls across her shoulders , she was unbelievably gorgeous . " Knock . Knock . " The photographer entered , took one look at them as they turned toward back to the door , and fawned . " Oh , that 's perfect . Perfect . Don 't move . " Holly 's heart slammed into motion . She hadn 't seen him since the night before at the rehearsal . The need to see him overtook her . " Do you think your mom will mind ? " With a squeal , Holly went to the door and quietly opened it . She slipped out , careful not to open it wide enough for anyone to see in . One breath and she knew she 'd made the right decision moving . She 'd only been in California three days before they had to hop another plane out here , which was a good thing because they 'd beaten the snowstorm 's onslaught by mere hours . Now here she was snowed in and happier than she 'd ever been in her life . He was already looking out over the pews for a good seat . Several people turned , and then Eric , bless him , realized what she was doing . He reached over and tapped Gabriel on the arm and then pointed back at her . The look in Gabriel 's eyes when he turned was worth every moment of terrible they had been through . His search for a seat forgotten , he walked back to her . " Well , except that you 're going to freeze to death like that , I don 't mind . " He put an arm around her , and Holly let him pull her close . She closed her eyes to breathe him in . Her hand went to his chest , and she felt how wonderful it was to be near him again . When he let her go , he took one more long look before pulling her to him to kiss her forehead . " I 'd better get a good seat . I wouldn 't want to miss that walk down the aisle . " The music swelled to life , and Gabriel watched Jeremy , Eric , and the other groomsmen come in down front . The priest came in with them , and then all gazes swept to the back . First came a young lady with flaming red hair . Audry . Gabriel had met her the night before . However , his gaze held her for only a moment because it was yanked backward by the beauty now walking in behind her . His heart lifted to the point that he couldn 't breathe . Soft , blond hair , delicate features , grace that defied gravity . Everything about her was so right - even the soft , gentle smile . It made him smile like an idiot for no real reason other than he felt like the luckiest guy in the world . Just then her gaze chanced on him and locked there . As she stepped ever closer , he saw all the emotions - gratefulness , hope , joy , peace , love - flow through her . A moment and with tears glinting on her lashes , she let her gaze drop and stepped past him . Still his gaze followed her all the way to the front where she took her place and tossed her hair back to watch the others . Not because he wanted to but to be polite , Gabe retraced his gaze to the aisle where Rebecca , the maid of honor , beaming at Eric standing as best man at the end of her walk , came down the aisle . Gabe was sure it wouldn 't be long , and this would be the two of them . It was clear this dress rehearsal was full of happiness as well . And then the bridal party was in place . The priest raised his hands , and everyone stood . The organ announced the majesty of the moment as at the back Emily appeared . Gasps of awe swept through the congregation . Emily , her face obscured by a thin veil , walked between her parents - neither of whom looked especially comfortable . However , Emily never faltered . Her gaze was on Jeremy who stood gazing at her like she was an angel sent from Heaven . They never broke the gaze one to the other the whole way down the aisle . At the front the parents Emily 's parents kissed her and stepped away . Jeremy and Emily took two steps toward the altar side - by - side and then turned to each other . Gently even though he looked like he might burst with love and happiness , Jeremy took hold of both sides of the veil and lifted it carefully over her head . One long look into each other 's eyes , one smile of utter gratefulness , and he put out his arm for her . Looking like she might in fact float right off the deep rose colored carpet with the gesture , Emily accepted his arm , and together they stepped into a new life . It was a good thing Holly had brought tissue , hiding it in her bouquet . She only hoped now that her makeup would hold up under the onslaught of tears . It was all just so beautiful , so right . Emily and Jeremy were made for each other , and she couldn 't help but wonder as she watched them , could her own wedding ever be this beautiful ? The wedding party was to stay standing , and so Holly shifted her flowers and squared her shoulders . All gazes might be on Emily , but it was a pretty sure bet that one might be looking at her . She tamped down that thought because it threatened to make her squeal with joy . " Emily and Jeremy , it is an honor to be here today to celebrate with you , " the priest said . " I can 't help but think about how far the two of you have come to be in this place together . As I reflected on your readings , one thing jumped out at me , and that is your total and uncompromising reliance on God . We have talked at great length about how important this is to the two of you - how there were times you felt Him guiding you even though you weren 't sure you could step into what He was asking of you . " But by doing so , by stepping into that place He was calling you with faith and trust , you have opened your lives to His Kingdom to come into your lives . You may not have known how it could work at certain times , but you trusted that it would just the same . That is what Jesus meant in the Our Father . ' Thy Kingdom come . ' That doesn 't just mean it will come some day , that means , ' Please , Lord , come into our lives right now . Let God 's Kingdom start right here , right now in my life . ' I challenge you now to step into this new life He has called you both to - where the two shall become one . One flesh , one love . " A love that has the qualities spoken about in the second reading . Patience , kindness , never jealous , never rude , not self - seeking , rejoicing in the truth . This is the love we wish for the two of you as you come to the altar to begin your lives together . " Holly glanced over her shoulder , and her heart floated with the smile and wink Gabriel sent her way . God 's Kingdom come . Right here . Right now . Step into it . Risk loving , really loving , holding nothing back - not the good , not even the bad . She let her eyes fall closed to make her own life vow . That was the way she wanted to live now , not just because of Gabriel , but because that 's what she so wanted for her life . Jesus had given her a second chance . Gabriel had shown her how . Now , she had to learn to accept good things rather than always expecting the bad . There was a reason she was here . It was because she 'd finally let others in , let them love her , let them get close . Was that risking something ? Yes , to be sure . But as she turned to watch Emily and Jeremy pledge their love to each other , it suddenly was perfectly clear to her that love was the only way to live . All the other junk wasn 't really living , it was fighting not to die , and there was a very big difference . Even as they stood at the dance later , the evening winding down around them , every second they were together solidified Holly 's vow . Watching Gabriel as he talked with Eric so easily , Holly couldn 't help but be grateful she had waited . Yes , Eric was a great guy , and she was eternally grateful for his friendship . But he wasn 't the one God had in mind for her . True , the waiting and the getting here had nearly busted them all apart , but it was for the best . She could see that now . As she looked at them , she couldn 't help but remember Gabriel 's words : " God has a plan . " Yes , and it was becoming clear how much better His plan was than anything she had ever tried to make work . He was so smart , and she had never been so grateful . " What ? " Eric said , his glasses flashing with the light . " It wasn 't my fault . She wouldn 't leave me alone about it . She kept saying , ' Man , you 're jumpy . What is wrong with you ? Are you sure you 're okay ? ' I finally couldn 't take it anymore . " Eric shrugged . " Hey , it 's memorable . I bet there aren 't ten other couples in the world who could say they got engaged on a plane . " Gabriel and Holly laughed . It looked so snuggly wonderful , Holly slipped under Gabriel 's arm loving the fact that she was no longer a third wheel . Rebecca was right . This was much better . Rebecca took Eric 's hand . " Come on , crazy . We 're needed for carrying presents duty . They 're going to start cleaning up . " " Nah , we got the twins to help . " Rebecca rubbed her other hand down Eric 's back . " One more big , strong guy ought to do it . " She complied with a laugh . The two of them walked off , he still in the tuxedo , she still looking gorgeous in her bridesmaid dress . It was a pretty sure bet that Jeremy and Emily would 've stayed longer , not to mention all the guests , but the predictions of more snow coming in over the mountains had sent everyone scurrying for safety . In fact , the entire wedding party sans bride and groom hadn 't even changed yet . They were supposed to , but it seemed everything that was supposed to happen hadn 't quite turned out that way . It was a Holy Spirit thing according to Emily . She 'd always wanted a small wedding . Weeding the invitations hadn 't worked , but the snow had . Holly sighed at how perfect it all was . The God has a plan thing was catching hold of her soul in ways she couldn 't quite comprehend . " We should go help . " With a small scowl she perused his eyes once more . There was something different about him , but she couldn 't quite tell what it was . " Then let 's do this so we can get out of here . Stuck in the snow on the side of a mountain does not sound like fun to me . " " Not chicken . It 's called being smart . " Holly got on one side of the table , Gabriel on the other , and together they un - taped the tablecloths . It was really too bad the night had to end so soon . She was just getting used to the magic . " We 'll follow you , " Gabriel said , as the four of them stood at the hall door bundling up for the ice and snow beyond . The guys had already been out , clearing the snow off the vehicles and getting them started . That , apparently , was a task in and of itself . " Speak for yourself ! " Rebecca called over her shoulder . Then she ducked and made a true break for it . " Aaahhh ! It 's freezing out here ! " " Brr ! " Holly huddled over herself as Gabriel slammed his door and flipped the heater on higher . He reached over and tucked her under his arm , which helped but not as much as a nice warm fire would have . " Of course . " He leaned closer to her head . " I was with you , wasn 't I ? " He caught her in his gaze , and time gave way to the moment . His lips came to hers , and a fire would 've been no comparison . The world around them dissipated into the warmth of that kiss . She melted into him , wishing they never had to leave . Even the shivers subsided . Who needed two coats when he was around ? At that moment there was the blare of a car horn , and with a jerk they both looked out the front window . " Party poopers , " Holly said , shivering again as she realized who it was . " Fine . Let 's get back to the inn . I 'm thinking hot chocolate and s ' mores sound awesome . " " Well , you 're easy to please . " Gabriel laughed as he put both hands on the wheel and followed Eric out into the night . " The inn it is then . " Tucked next to the side of the mountain , surrounded by trees so tall the tops were visible only from a distance was the Innsbrook Inn . It wasn 't big or overly fancy , but it was much like everything else in Remlin - small , cozy , and just right . Gabriel let Holly out at the door so she wouldn 't have to walk through the snow , which didn 't exactly work because the swirling stuff was everywhere . Once inside , she went right to the enormous fireplace that was in fact roaring in the corner . The heater in the truck had helped , but her hands still felt like ice . She held them up to the warmth , letting the firelight dance over them . Never would she forget tonight . Gabriel at the wedding and dancing later . Getting to introduce him as her boyfriend and just being with him . It was more than she ever could 've asked of life . " Make room ! " Rebecca plowed through the room toward the fire . She raced up next to Holly and barely got stopped before going headlong right into it . " Remind me to send Emily the bill for the pneumonia I 'm going to catch . " Holly was already thawing out . She turned her back to the fire as she slid out of her coat . " Oh , man . Wasn 't her going away dress gorgeous ? " " Yeah , and Jeremy was so sweet . ' Honey , I 'll go start the car . ' ' Okay , Honey , we 're ready . ' " Holly snuggled into the memory . The front door whooshed open , and a half - frozen Gabriel rushed in . " Ugh ! Who would want to live here ? Give me sunshine and waves any day . " Holly should 've said something , but his entrance had taken her breath from her . That curly black hair , the persistent stubble , and those green eyes that could buckle her knees without trying . It just wasn 't fair to a girl that he could look so good . In a breath he was next to her , warming his hands , his presence warming her heart . Eric 's cell phone beeped . " Well , guess who . " He turned it on and lifted it to his ear . " Tell me you made it , and I don 't have to come dig you out of somewhere . " He turned away from them to have the rest of the conversation . Still , Holly and the others continued to listen . By the sound of it Jeremy and Emily had in fact made it down the mountain to Silverthorne . They would stay there until Tuesday when they were scheduled to fly out of Denver to honeymoon in Florida . Florida . It sounded wonderful . The two of them started for the stairs . Holly took a step to follow them , but Gabriel held her back with a tightening of her hand . She looked back at him in concern . He lifted his chin to the others . " Why don 't you guys go on up ? We 'll be up in a minute . I want to show Holly something . " Lovebirds ? Holly 's gaze fell in embarrassment on the word . She laughed and shook her head , hoping Gabriel wouldn 't be mad . " Those two . " They were gone now , and suddenly Holly realized she and Gabriel were truly alone for the first time since they 'd gotten here . She tried to brush that off . " So , what did you want to show me ? " Gabriel turned to her , and panic struck her at the uncertainty in his eyes . He put his head down so she couldn 't see into his eyes , and it was all she could do not to freak out . He looked like he was about to do the unthinkable , and fear slammed into her . He wouldn 't break up with her now , would he ? No , he couldn 't . Not after the day they 'd had . She tried to get the air into her lungs , but it was fire hot and suffocating . Holly , stop it . Just stop it , she finally told herself . Whatever it is , God has a plan . Trust Him . For once , just let go and trust Him . She forced the air into herself and let it calm her . " Gabriel , whatever it is … " With a breath , he stepped back from her and carefully dropped to his knee . Her eyes widened , and her heart flipped over . " Gabriel . Oh , my gosh . " She put her hand to her mouth to keep herself from screaming . " Oh , my … " When he looked up at her , there was absolutely no uncertainty anymore . Where the ring came from , she couldn 't quite tell . One minute it wasn 't there . The next it was . " Luke ? " The thought of how sweet that gesture was melted her heart . It was hard telling which was better Gabriel asking or having a real dad to say yes . She bit her lip to keep the tears back , but it wasn 't working very well . " So , " Gabriel 's green eyes became even more rock - solid , glinting in the firelight . " Holly Jacobs , you know I love you with all of my heart . And I know , without a doubt , you are the woman God put here on earth for me . " For a moment he couldn 't continue , and when he looked up again , it was with a smile that radiated through every part of her . " Will you be my wife ? " The shaking of her head was only because she couldn 't believe this was really happening . More tears jumped to her eyes , and her breath was choking to get out . " Yes . Yes . Yes . Yes . Yes ! " " Yes , I 'm serious ! Are you kidding ? " She wiped her eyes , knowing she had mascara pouring down her face . If the wedding hadn 't done it , this surely would . Gabriel slipped the delicate ring on her finger and stood , taking her into his embrace . " I 'm sorry it isn 't bigger . Maybe someday … " " Never . " She arched her head and pulled his lips to hers . Brilliant , radiant , warm , glowing light burst through every remaining piece of darkness left in her . " Never . Never . Never . Never . Never . " She breathed in the love , the hope , the gratefulness , the peace . " Oh , Gabriel , I love you so much . " Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Light in the Darkness , Novels and tagged A Light in the Darkness , Christian Romance , Fiction , YA . 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Tim and I attend different churches nowadays . I wish that I could sit beside my husband in the pew , but I can 't . My thinking doesn 't fit his church , and he has never been able to stay awake through a sermon in my church , something that we discovered years ago when trying to decide on which church to attend . My church begins earlier , and is just a few blocks away , so I 'm out the door before he is , and because we linger in the mornings , I tend to cut it very close , timewise , because the church is so very close , distancewise . Today , I was quite sorry about that because as I rushed to the Easter service , I saw a man , carefully raking a town park . I 've seen him before , and he is always alone . He is always carrying garden tools . His head is always down , as if he is carefully picking his path through our world . I 've watched him for years , actually , and he has always been alone , although I did discover that he is an artist . I watched him nursing his hot coffee in a coffee house , drawing a picture . I wanted to talk to him then , but I did not want to intrude on his solitude . When I saw him today , he was working carefully , sweeping , raking . I was in a rush to get into the church , and so I said a quick prayer as I rushed up the stairs to church , " Please God , let him be here when church is over . " Much to my delight , he was still there , sitting on a bench smoking a cigar , surveying the world through satisfied eyes . He studied me warily as I swept across the park straight for him . I said , " I prayed that you 'd still be here , " and he responded comfortably , " Well , your prayers have been answered . " So we talked for 20 minutes , like old friends . He does what he does for the peace that he finds in doing it , he tells me . He tells me his views on God , and I am a bit surprised to find that our views are remarkably similar . He does not go to church , he says , because he finds that the people there judge him , and he believes that people should spend more time judging themselves . I was left without words there , because this is at the heart Debby Tim and I get along pretty well , but we do not see eye to eye on everything . He 's been eyeballing a house . I voted no . This house is next to a stream . It is also a pretty nice house with ' good bones ' . It is not old like the others . It is a pretty new house with some interesting upgrades . When you look at the whole foreclosure thing , the first question you ponder is why exactly was this house allowed to go back to the bank ? This is a house that probably would have sold , in my opinion . Instead , it sat empty for a couple years and went back to the bank . Makes you wonder why , like I said . What you do not see about this place is that a picturesque little stream runs right next to it . I told Tim , " I believe that there is a septic problem , and that replacing it became an issue because of that stream . I 'll bet there are restrictions that will make replacing it very expensive , and this is why the place was allowed to be taken back by the bank . So Tim thought this over , decided I was right , and decided not to buy . Except that his mind kept coming back to this house . He decided to bid lower than the bank wanted , citing our concerns . I was not happy about this . I was unhappy , because I thought we 'd settled this already . We debated the situation , again . I suggested looking for another place we both agreed on . He decided I was right . For another couple weeks . Then he began thinking on it again . We argued again . Long story short , I said , " Okay . Whenever you feel so strongly on something that you just can 't let it go , it turns out to be the right thing . I 'm going to trust that you have prayed hard on this . " Tim is very excited . I am not so excited , but acknowledge that I gave in , so I have no one to blame but myself . We stopped in to a store to get some dishsoap and some eggs to fill for an Easter egg hunt tomorrow . Coming out of the store , I had a sudden urge for some wine , so I stopped in at the liquor store and grabbed a bottle . Tim doesn 't drink , so he was making faces . I said , " Oh , hush . Women who have been drinking are easier to take advantage of , " and cocked my eyebrow at him in a suggestive way . Have you ever heard of aqua - beads ( some call them water pearls , or aqua gems ) ? I first saw them being used with developmentally disabled adults , and they love these things . I couldn 't wait to try them out with William . I spent about $ 5 for this batch . They say that these will last up to four years . He adored them . We just put a couple old shower curtains on the floor and went to it . Yep . That 's mildew . ( That 's why we don 't use those old shower curtains anymore . ) Ree 's not the only one who keeps things real . He played for a good long time and then began to get a little fretful . I thought he was going to take a nap . Silly me . This is the card board tube that our new livingroom rug came wrapped around . ( If you look carefully , you 'll get glimpses of that rug . ) . . . and requires a small boy to jump off the couch , run across the livingroom and into the library , greeting the buffalo and the deer every single time . Bob 's fairly easy to get along with . He 's heard , " Hi buff - lo ! " a couple dozen times . He just patiently responds with " Hi , William . " Buck 's not so patient . You can see he 's getting annoyed . " Cripes . Is that little critter ever going to run out of steam ? " William 's off the couch and on the move once more . He 's got taxidermy to greet and toys to collect . He starts winding down . We read a story . The idea of a monster in the bathtub doesn 't interest him , I came home from work , with a bag full of Easter items for William . I dropped the bag on the table , did a few things . Changed clothes . Came out and checked the computer . Got the teensiest bit enmeshed in thread on facebook . My newspaper fired a woman for ' liking ' something on facebook . I talked to Tim on the phone , got the news that he bought another house , and then got ready for a nap . I 'm going to church at 2 and staying until 4 . We do a vigil , to commemorate Jesus ' night in Gethsemane . The church will have people staying awake through the night . It 's a good time to sit and think quietly , to pray , to be grateful , etc . I have a lot to be grateful for . It wasn 't me at work . I was NOT unprofessional , or untrainable , or stupid , or any of that . It sounds stupid , but upon the discovery , I ducked into a bathroom and almost cried from relief . I cannot even tell you how much better I feel . So , like I said , I just kind of putzed around the house . Anyhow , deep in thought about my remarkable day , I shlep back out to the kitchen to put something in the sink and discover that there is a brand new laundry basket sitting on my kitchen floor by the door . It was not there when I came home . Someone opened the door , set the basket on the floor , and left . While I was here . And I didn 't notice . I don 't even need a laundry basket . Posted by It was a great day today . I was working with a non - verbal client . Suddenly , I heard her eye controlled dynavox speak . Her first words to me ? If you can believe it , it was " I love stories . " I looked into her brown eyes , and continued working as I related the story of William who went to church last Sunday with Grandma and discovered a foil wrapped bunny in his activity bag . When I got to the recounting of how " CHOKLACK ! " reverberated throughout the church and that his delight would not be silenced , her eyes grew wide with delight and her mouth burst open , and she laughed and laughed and laughed . The moment was so perfectly beautiful that for a time , I was the one who could not speak . My junkmail runneth over . I get tons of stuff through yahoo . Women who call me ' bunny ' and claim to be horny and want to chat with me right away . Same letter sent by scores of women with exotic sounding names . There 's another that came to me today entitled ' Hallo lad , how are you bearing up ? ' There 's the daily barrage of ' how to add inches PERMANENTLY ' , and ' how to make women want you ' . Don 't forget the viagra offers that come in 10 or so a day . Sweet gosh all Friday ! My name is Debby . Does that not mean ANYTHING ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! Today , working with a client , I heard staff talking about a man who was outside in the smoker 's area . I could see him from the window . He had just been standing there for quite some time . Someone said that he was homeless , and that he has a place to sleep at night but during the day he had to leave . Although the calendar tells us that it is spring , we 'd gotten about six inches of very wet snow . I looked at this man , thin , with a white beard . Not doing anything , just standing there . I tried to imagine what it was like to be turned out into the elements every single day . We 've really had quite a bit of snow in the last month . It cannot be pleasant outside in the cold and the wet , with no place to go . When a couple smokers went out , he looked straight ahead , not making eye contact . When they went in , I saw him picking up their butts , and carefully putting them in his pocket . It made me feel a little sick to watch him . I sometimes forget that there are small people in this world who struggle in ways that I cannot imagine . Posted by It 's been a couple weeks since we 've seen William . He seems to grown up suddenly . He went to church with me , and was really quite good . They have a nursery , but since it was a new place to him ( and because I see him rarely ) I just couldn 't bring myself to take him there . I did not want him to be afraid . I packed him an activity bag , with stickers , and paper , and crayons , a shape puzzle , and a few little snacks . He entertained himself quite nicely , and when he got tired , he climbed up on my lap . A couple times he spoke in his normal voice and I whispered back that this was ' a whispering time ' which seemed to fascinate him . He whispered against my neck . It was all good , until he was looking through his little activity bag and found a tiny bunny wrapped in tin foil . He held it aloft and bellowed " Choclack ! " I tried to shush him , but he was pretty excited and hollered it once or twice more just to be sure that I knew he 'd found ' choclack ' . We had a day of adventures , a big red bouncing ball , a hair cut , ' hotgogs ' for lunch . We were walking up the middle of the mall , and he was holding my hand . We stopped to admire an Easter display , and I wondered aloud where grandpa had gotten off to . He squinched up his little face and said , in a very definate voice , " Gompa in car . " It made me smile , that we were carrying on an actual conversation . " No , I don 't think so , " I said , and we walked to the middle of the mall to stare down the concourse . " There he is ! " I said , and William looked and , sure enough , there he was . He took off running to him . He got there and leaned against his leg as Tim reached down to ruffle his hair . Then William turned towards me and came running back , a smile as big as his face , his arms thrown wide and his head back . Out of nowhere it came , hitting me hard . It will not be like this forever . Everything changes . And I dropped to my knees and threw my own arms wide and he ran into them giggling wildly . I wanted to save the moment forever . I 'm glad I know how to write . Posted by It 's a hard thing . I see plenty of good that comes from my job , but because I am a practical and thrifty person , I see lots of ways that we could do it better , and cheaper . Because I am a taxpayer , I believe we have a responsibility to be wise with our spending . The governor of New York has suggested that we cut some of our administrative costs . I think this is a valid point . All employees have been urged to write a letter to their representative or the governor , to make their feelings known . At one of the facilities I work at , a letter was created and taken to all the rooms and the employees were told to sign it . Everyone did , except for one woman . In listening to her defense , it sounds like we share similar views . If I had been cornered , I probably would have said the same thing she did , which amounted to " Hey , wait a minute . I don 't sign anything I haven 't read . " I felt badly for her . People were mad . " You don 't even care enough to save our jobs ? " Stuff like that . She tried to explain . She gave a very intelligent defense , talking about medicare cuts in other states , and the ramifications of those , but no one was listening , and as people stormed around her doing their jobs , she looked awkward and uncomfortable . I made an extra effort to be kind . My own experiences have taught me how important a kind word is . ( And , although I have not written about them , people have been so very kind to me . . . I am loved ) It 's an uncertain time for the agency and it will be interesting to see how it pans out . Someone put together a video which was delivered to the Governor 's office in Albany . A number of clients were recorded , each of them saying , " Restore our funding ! " It was fun to see the faces of people that I work with and that I care about deeply . My favorite was an enthusiastic woman who speaks very loudly . She looked at the camera and bellowed " Restore our bunny ! " Posted by Today is the second day of spring , and I just looked out the window . It is snowing so hard that it looks like a thick fog . I looked at the weather forcast , and they 're calling for snow straight through March 26th . I 'm not whining . That 's why this will be a short post . Because I 'm not whining , not right this minute , but I feel a mighty big whine coming on . My cold is on the down hill , but I am still sick . Now , Tim is sick as well , poor guy . Since he was sick , we got to spend a quiet and relaxing weekend , together . Every dark cloud has a silver lining . Coming home from work yesterday , I saw a man holding a sign for $ 10 . 99 hair cuts at a new shop . It was raining and I 'm sure that it wasn 't comfortable . I felt kind of bad for him . Until I saw his face . He had a broad smile on his face and he waved his sign at people and he waved his hand enthusiastically . He looked like he was having his own private party on the street corner . I found myself watching him in a wondering sort of a way . It was if he had some secret knowledge of something that I had no clue of . I was shocked to discover that I was a little envious . Again . I took myself to the doctor 's office , and I 've got to say , the physician 's assistant there is a piece of work . She is rude and short and sharp . She told me pointedly , " You 're not getting an antibiotic . " Since I hadn 't asked for one , she took me by surprise . I said , " Why not ? " She explained to me that most of this sort of thing was viral , and that antibiotics were for bacterial infections . She told me that viral illnesses clear up on their own . I pointed out that after 22 days of this ( thank goodness for blogs , I had looked it up ) , I thought that it had been given every chance to go away on its own , and had not done so . I also explained that I worked with a medically fragile population , and that my coughing was horrifying co - workers who were beginning to treat me as if I were irresponsible to come to work while sick . She suggested that I try some of the many over the counter drugs available . * blink * I 'd been doing that right along . It hadn 't worked . The cold was getting worse . The gagging cough had started to cause nausea . I could not lay down at night for the choking . My back still ached from the violence of the previous night 's coughing . My voice was hoarse . My ears were clogged . My throat was sore . My old standby , the neti pot , was not working . The cold medication was not working . So I 'd made a doctor 's appointment . I said , " You know , I understand the reasoning behind cutting back on antibiotic use , and I have no quarrel with it , but I 'm sick , and I 've been sick forever , and I am not getting better , I 'm getting worse . You can see by my records that I 'm not a person who runs to the doctor for every little sniffle . " Me : " Well , I 'm assuming so , if that 's what the records say . " She looked at me triumphantly , as if she 'd proven a valuable point . I was obviously an abuser of antibiotics . " Viral infections can go on for a while . I think that you are getting reinfected by the virus . " I looked at her in astonishment . Here 's a piece of trivia for you . Every time that someone gets a viral infection , they become immune to that infection . What that means is that each time you catch a cold , it 's a slightly different cold . Viruses mutate and change , but this does not happen over night . Her point wasn 't even valid . In the end , she ungraciously told me that she was giving me a prescription for antibiotic and a cough syrup with codeine . I was a little surprised by that . Codeine is quite a powerful narcotic , and it just seems ironic to me that she 'll argue to the death about an antibiotic , yet codeine is prescribed without second thought . I felt stupid and foolish and over reactive , but today , 4 days later , I 'm finally getting over the cough ( didn 't even need to take use any cough syrup yesterday , including the night dose of codeine laced syrup ) . I still have the cold symptoms but they are easing . What I know for a fact is that if I go back after the antibiotics , it will prove this stubborn woman 's point : I did not need them . If the cold is gone , she will say that it would have gone away anyhow . If the cold is still present , she will say the antibiotics were ineffective , just as she knew they would be . I went to the pharmacy and discovered that she had only wired one prescription to them , and I had to wait for them to call the doctor , get that mess sorted out and fill the second prescription . I waited with my clogged head , and my horrible cough . The pharmacist heard the cough , and she gave me a cough drop and said sympathetically , " That sounds just awful . " I agreed with her . When my prescription was filled , they called me to the window by name , ahead of the people waiting in line , so that I could take my obviously sick self home with my drugs . Seems ironic that I got more kindness from the pharmacist than the physician 's assistant . Posted by Yesterday , I drove home from work , and I had to take off my coat . It was too warm . And when the big fat rain drops began to splatter on the car , I realized that spring had sprung . I turned into the driveway and saw patches of snowdrops raising their heads . I listened for a moment to the birds . I came into the house and curled up on the sofa , feeling miserable . I shuffled off to become one with my neti pot several times over the course of the night , and then came back to the sofa . I finally simply gave up and took a prescription painkiller for my head and shuffled off to bed . This morning , I woke up early , and I lay in the dark . I realized that my head didn 't hurt . I lay there for 20 minutes and did not cough . Not once . I 'm up early , and now I am listening to the rain . Spring is sprung ! Today I think that I 'll be able to appreciate it properly . It has been a long , long winter ! We 're awfully sorry , but it will get better . I promise . P . S . We 're serious about flying you and Mercy east . Please consider it . If now is not the right time , come in the summer . Posted by Commenters are going to notice that I have enabled comment moderation . I had to . More and more spam is getting through , which was annoying , but the spam is increasingly obscene . I 'd had enough . So , sorry , folks , but it 's how it is . I had William overnight , and we had fun . Today we took some big rubber bands I 'd been saving from a long line of punching balloons . I tied them over a tin box , with varying degrees of tightness , and he strummed away , happily , making ' moosic ' . We colored and did a puzzle , and practiced counting . We watched Winnie the Pooh . I did a double cardio in addition to the weight training today . I feel worn and weary , but in a good way . I 'm applying for jobs , and surprisingly , am finding things , including one job that I am excited about . It would be a challenge , but in an arena where I have been very successful before . I have made up my mind to apply at the local steel mill as well . I figure that if I 'm not meant to be a COTA , I 'll wind up at the steel mill . I 'm a hard worker . I understand hard work . I 'd also be working with primarily men , and the thing about men is that if you just work hard , you 've got their respect . When you work with women , there 's all this other stuff that , to be honest , I don 't understand . I will be working at my present job full time for 6 weeks filling in for a girl while she 's on maternity leave . After that , I 'll return to my 13 hours a week . I 'm hopeful by then that I 'll know what my next step will be . It makes me very sad , because I love my job very much . Get huge personal satisfaction from doing it . But , like I said , where I wind up is where I 'm meant to be . That 's how I am going to look at it . We had an unexpected offer . One of our tenants wants to buy one of our houses . It has three apartments . He will live in one , his ex - mother in law in another , and his wife and child in another . The child will always be home , and there will always be someone to be with her . It 's an unusual situation , but how lovely for the child . I 'm sure that it is difficult for the parents , but they are united by their love for this child , and Tim and I are so touched by this that we have agreed to sell . So that 's it really . Posted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
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Tim and I attend different churches nowadays . I wish that I could sit beside my husband in the pew , but I can 't . My thinking doesn 't fit his church , and he has never been able to stay awake through a sermon in my church , something that we discovered years ago when trying to decide on which church to attend . My church begins earlier , and is just a few blocks away , so I 'm out the door before he is , and because we linger in the mornings , I tend to cut it very close , timewise , because the church is so very close , distancewise . Today , I was quite sorry about that because as I rushed to the Easter service , I saw a man , carefully raking a town park . I 've seen him before , and he is always alone . He is always carrying garden tools . His head is always down , as if he is carefully picking his path through our world . I 've watched him for years , actually , and he has always been alone , although I did discover that he is an artist . I watched him nursing his hot coffee in a coffee house , drawing a picture . I wanted to talk to him then , but I did not want to intrude on his solitude . When I saw him today , he was working carefully , sweeping , raking . I was in a rush to get into the church , and so I said a quick prayer as I rushed up the stairs to church , " Please God , let him be here when church is over . " Much to my delight , he was still there , sitting on a bench smoking a cigar , surveying the world through satisfied eyes . He studied me warily as I swept across the park straight for him . I said , " I prayed that you 'd still be here , " and he responded comfortably , " Well , your prayers have been answered . " So we talked for 20 minutes , like old friends . He does what he does for the peace that he finds in doing it , he tells me . He tells me his views on God , and I am a bit surprised to find that our views are remarkably similar . He does not go to church , he says , because he finds that the people there judge him , and he believes that people should spend more time judging themselves . I was left without words there , because this is at the heart Debby Tim and I get along pretty well , but we do not see eye to eye on everything . He 's been eyeballing a house . I voted no . This house is next to a stream . It is also a pretty nice house with ' good bones ' . It is not old like the others . It is a pretty new house with some interesting upgrades . When you look at the whole foreclosure thing , the first question you ponder is why exactly was this house allowed to go back to the bank ? This is a house that probably would have sold , in my opinion . Instead , it sat empty for a couple years and went back to the bank . Makes you wonder why , like I said . What you do not see about this place is that a picturesque little stream runs right next to it . I told Tim , " I believe that there is a septic problem , and that replacing it became an issue because of that stream . I 'll bet there are restrictions that will make replacing it very expensive , and this is why the place was allowed to be taken back by the bank . So Tim thought this over , decided I was right , and decided not to buy . Except that his mind kept coming back to this house . He decided to bid lower than the bank wanted , citing our concerns . I was not happy about this . I was unhappy , because I thought we 'd settled this already . We debated the situation , again . I suggested looking for another place we both agreed on . He decided I was right . For another couple weeks . Then he began thinking on it again . We argued again . Long story short , I said , " Okay . Whenever you feel so strongly on something that you just can 't let it go , it turns out to be the right thing . I 'm going to trust that you have prayed hard on this . " Tim is very excited . I am not so excited , but acknowledge that I gave in , so I have no one to blame but myself . We stopped in to a store to get some dishsoap and some eggs to fill for an Easter egg hunt tomorrow . Coming out of the store , I had a sudden urge for some wine , so I stopped in at the liquor store and grabbed a bottle . Tim doesn 't drink , so he was making faces . I said , " Oh , hush . Women who have been drinking are easier to take advantage of , " and cocked my eyebrow at him in a suggestive way . Have you ever heard of aqua - beads ( some call them water pearls , or aqua gems ) ? I first saw them being used with developmentally disabled adults , and they love these things . I couldn 't wait to try them out with William . I spent about $ 5 for this batch . They say that these will last up to four years . He adored them . We just put a couple old shower curtains on the floor and went to it . Yep . That 's mildew . ( That 's why we don 't use those old shower curtains anymore . ) Ree 's not the only one who keeps things real . He played for a good long time and then began to get a little fretful . I thought he was going to take a nap . Silly me . This is the card board tube that our new livingroom rug came wrapped around . ( If you look carefully , you 'll get glimpses of that rug . ) . . . and requires a small boy to jump off the couch , run across the livingroom and into the library , greeting the buffalo and the deer every single time . Bob 's fairly easy to get along with . He 's heard , " Hi buff - lo ! " a couple dozen times . He just patiently responds with " Hi , William . " Buck 's not so patient . You can see he 's getting annoyed . " Cripes . Is that little critter ever going to run out of steam ? " William 's off the couch and on the move once more . He 's got taxidermy to greet and toys to collect . He starts winding down . We read a story . The idea of a monster in the bathtub doesn 't interest him , I came home from work , with a bag full of Easter items for William . I dropped the bag on the table , did a few things . Changed clothes . Came out and checked the computer . Got the teensiest bit enmeshed in thread on facebook . My newspaper fired a woman for ' liking ' something on facebook . I talked to Tim on the phone , got the news that he bought another house , and then got ready for a nap . I 'm going to church at 2 and staying until 4 . We do a vigil , to commemorate Jesus ' night in Gethsemane . The church will have people staying awake through the night . It 's a good time to sit and think quietly , to pray , to be grateful , etc . I have a lot to be grateful for . It wasn 't me at work . I was NOT unprofessional , or untrainable , or stupid , or any of that . It sounds stupid , but upon the discovery , I ducked into a bathroom and almost cried from relief . I cannot even tell you how much better I feel . So , like I said , I just kind of putzed around the house . Anyhow , deep in thought about my remarkable day , I shlep back out to the kitchen to put something in the sink and discover that there is a brand new laundry basket sitting on my kitchen floor by the door . It was not there when I came home . Someone opened the door , set the basket on the floor , and left . While I was here . And I didn 't notice . I don 't even need a laundry basket . Posted by It was a great day today . I was working with a non - verbal client . Suddenly , I heard her eye controlled dynavox speak . Her first words to me ? If you can believe it , it was " I love stories . " I looked into her brown eyes , and continued working as I related the story of William who went to church last Sunday with Grandma and discovered a foil wrapped bunny in his activity bag . When I got to the recounting of how " CHOKLACK ! " reverberated throughout the church and that his delight would not be silenced , her eyes grew wide with delight and her mouth burst open , and she laughed and laughed and laughed . The moment was so perfectly beautiful that for a time , I was the one who could not speak . My junkmail runneth over . I get tons of stuff through yahoo . Women who call me ' bunny ' and claim to be horny and want to chat with me right away . Same letter sent by scores of women with exotic sounding names . There 's another that came to me today entitled ' Hallo lad , how are you bearing up ? ' There 's the daily barrage of ' how to add inches PERMANENTLY ' , and ' how to make women want you ' . Don 't forget the viagra offers that come in 10 or so a day . Sweet gosh all Friday ! My name is Debby . Does that not mean ANYTHING ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! Today , working with a client , I heard staff talking about a man who was outside in the smoker 's area . I could see him from the window . He had just been standing there for quite some time . Someone said that he was homeless , and that he has a place to sleep at night but during the day he had to leave . Although the calendar tells us that it is spring , we 'd gotten about six inches of very wet snow . I looked at this man , thin , with a white beard . Not doing anything , just standing there . I tried to imagine what it was like to be turned out into the elements every single day . We 've really had quite a bit of snow in the last month . It cannot be pleasant outside in the cold and the wet , with no place to go . When a couple smokers went out , he looked straight ahead , not making eye contact . When they went in , I saw him picking up their butts , and carefully putting them in his pocket . It made me feel a little sick to watch him . I sometimes forget that there are small people in this world who struggle in ways that I cannot imagine . Posted by It 's been a couple weeks since we 've seen William . He seems to grown up suddenly . He went to church with me , and was really quite good . They have a nursery , but since it was a new place to him ( and because I see him rarely ) I just couldn 't bring myself to take him there . I did not want him to be afraid . I packed him an activity bag , with stickers , and paper , and crayons , a shape puzzle , and a few little snacks . He entertained himself quite nicely , and when he got tired , he climbed up on my lap . A couple times he spoke in his normal voice and I whispered back that this was ' a whispering time ' which seemed to fascinate him . He whispered against my neck . It was all good , until he was looking through his little activity bag and found a tiny bunny wrapped in tin foil . He held it aloft and bellowed " Choclack ! " I tried to shush him , but he was pretty excited and hollered it once or twice more just to be sure that I knew he 'd found ' choclack ' . We had a day of adventures , a big red bouncing ball , a hair cut , ' hotgogs ' for lunch . We were walking up the middle of the mall , and he was holding my hand . We stopped to admire an Easter display , and I wondered aloud where grandpa had gotten off to . He squinched up his little face and said , in a very definate voice , " Gompa in car . " It made me smile , that we were carrying on an actual conversation . " No , I don 't think so , " I said , and we walked to the middle of the mall to stare down the concourse . " There he is ! " I said , and William looked and , sure enough , there he was . He took off running to him . He got there and leaned against his leg as Tim reached down to ruffle his hair . Then William turned towards me and came running back , a smile as big as his face , his arms thrown wide and his head back . Out of nowhere it came , hitting me hard . It will not be like this forever . Everything changes . And I dropped to my knees and threw my own arms wide and he ran into them giggling wildly . I wanted to save the moment forever . I 'm glad I know how to write . Posted by It 's a hard thing . I see plenty of good that comes from my job , but because I am a practical and thrifty person , I see lots of ways that we could do it better , and cheaper . Because I am a taxpayer , I believe we have a responsibility to be wise with our spending . The governor of New York has suggested that we cut some of our administrative costs . I think this is a valid point . All employees have been urged to write a letter to their representative or the governor , to make their feelings known . At one of the facilities I work at , a letter was created and taken to all the rooms and the employees were told to sign it . Everyone did , except for one woman . In listening to her defense , it sounds like we share similar views . If I had been cornered , I probably would have said the same thing she did , which amounted to " Hey , wait a minute . I don 't sign anything I haven 't read . " I felt badly for her . People were mad . " You don 't even care enough to save our jobs ? " Stuff like that . She tried to explain . She gave a very intelligent defense , talking about medicare cuts in other states , and the ramifications of those , but no one was listening , and as people stormed around her doing their jobs , she looked awkward and uncomfortable . I made an extra effort to be kind . My own experiences have taught me how important a kind word is . ( And , although I have not written about them , people have been so very kind to me . . . I am loved ) It 's an uncertain time for the agency and it will be interesting to see how it pans out . Someone put together a video which was delivered to the Governor 's office in Albany . A number of clients were recorded , each of them saying , " Restore our funding ! " It was fun to see the faces of people that I work with and that I care about deeply . My favorite was an enthusiastic woman who speaks very loudly . She looked at the camera and bellowed " Restore our bunny ! " Posted by Today is the second day of spring , and I just looked out the window . It is snowing so hard that it looks like a thick fog . I looked at the weather forcast , and they 're calling for snow straight through March 26th . I 'm not whining . That 's why this will be a short post . Because I 'm not whining , not right this minute , but I feel a mighty big whine coming on . My cold is on the down hill , but I am still sick . Now , Tim is sick as well , poor guy . Since he was sick , we got to spend a quiet and relaxing weekend , together . Every dark cloud has a silver lining . Coming home from work yesterday , I saw a man holding a sign for $ 10 . 99 hair cuts at a new shop . It was raining and I 'm sure that it wasn 't comfortable . I felt kind of bad for him . Until I saw his face . He had a broad smile on his face and he waved his sign at people and he waved his hand enthusiastically . He looked like he was having his own private party on the street corner . I found myself watching him in a wondering sort of a way . It was if he had some secret knowledge of something that I had no clue of . I was shocked to discover that I was a little envious . Again . I took myself to the doctor 's office , and I 've got to say , the physician 's assistant there is a piece of work . She is rude and short and sharp . She told me pointedly , " You 're not getting an antibiotic . " Since I hadn 't asked for one , she took me by surprise . I said , " Why not ? " She explained to me that most of this sort of thing was viral , and that antibiotics were for bacterial infections . She told me that viral illnesses clear up on their own . I pointed out that after 22 days of this ( thank goodness for blogs , I had looked it up ) , I thought that it had been given every chance to go away on its own , and had not done so . I also explained that I worked with a medically fragile population , and that my coughing was horrifying co - workers who were beginning to treat me as if I were irresponsible to come to work while sick . She suggested that I try some of the many over the counter drugs available . * blink * I 'd been doing that right along . It hadn 't worked . The cold was getting worse . The gagging cough had started to cause nausea . I could not lay down at night for the choking . My back still ached from the violence of the previous night 's coughing . My voice was hoarse . My ears were clogged . My throat was sore . My old standby , the neti pot , was not working . The cold medication was not working . So I 'd made a doctor 's appointment . I said , " You know , I understand the reasoning behind cutting back on antibiotic use , and I have no quarrel with it , but I 'm sick , and I 've been sick forever , and I am not getting better , I 'm getting worse . You can see by my records that I 'm not a person who runs to the doctor for every little sniffle . " Me : " Well , I 'm assuming so , if that 's what the records say . " She looked at me triumphantly , as if she 'd proven a valuable point . I was obviously an abuser of antibiotics . " Viral infections can go on for a while . I think that you are getting reinfected by the virus . " I looked at her in astonishment . Here 's a piece of trivia for you . Every time that someone gets a viral infection , they become immune to that infection . What that means is that each time you catch a cold , it 's a slightly different cold . Viruses mutate and change , but this does not happen over night . Her point wasn 't even valid . In the end , she ungraciously told me that she was giving me a prescription for antibiotic and a cough syrup with codeine . I was a little surprised by that . Codeine is quite a powerful narcotic , and it just seems ironic to me that she 'll argue to the death about an antibiotic , yet codeine is prescribed without second thought . I felt stupid and foolish and over reactive , but today , 4 days later , I 'm finally getting over the cough ( didn 't even need to take use any cough syrup yesterday , including the night dose of codeine laced syrup ) . I still have the cold symptoms but they are easing . What I know for a fact is that if I go back after the antibiotics , it will prove this stubborn woman 's point : I did not need them . If the cold is gone , she will say that it would have gone away anyhow . If the cold is still present , she will say the antibiotics were ineffective , just as she knew they would be . I went to the pharmacy and discovered that she had only wired one prescription to them , and I had to wait for them to call the doctor , get that mess sorted out and fill the second prescription . I waited with my clogged head , and my horrible cough . The pharmacist heard the cough , and she gave me a cough drop and said sympathetically , " That sounds just awful . " I agreed with her . When my prescription was filled , they called me to the window by name , ahead of the people waiting in line , so that I could take my obviously sick self home with my drugs . Seems ironic that I got more kindness from the pharmacist than the physician 's assistant . Posted by Yesterday , I drove home from work , and I had to take off my coat . It was too warm . And when the big fat rain drops began to splatter on the car , I realized that spring had sprung . I turned into the driveway and saw patches of snowdrops raising their heads . I listened for a moment to the birds . I came into the house and curled up on the sofa , feeling miserable . I shuffled off to become one with my neti pot several times over the course of the night , and then came back to the sofa . I finally simply gave up and took a prescription painkiller for my head and shuffled off to bed . This morning , I woke up early , and I lay in the dark . I realized that my head didn 't hurt . I lay there for 20 minutes and did not cough . Not once . I 'm up early , and now I am listening to the rain . Spring is sprung ! Today I think that I 'll be able to appreciate it properly . It has been a long , long winter ! We 're awfully sorry , but it will get better . I promise . P . S . We 're serious about flying you and Mercy east . Please consider it . If now is not the right time , come in the summer . Posted by Commenters are going to notice that I have enabled comment moderation . I had to . More and more spam is getting through , which was annoying , but the spam is increasingly obscene . I 'd had enough . So , sorry , folks , but it 's how it is . I had William overnight , and we had fun . Today we took some big rubber bands I 'd been saving from a long line of punching balloons . I tied them over a tin box , with varying degrees of tightness , and he strummed away , happily , making ' moosic ' . We colored and did a puzzle , and practiced counting . We watched Winnie the Pooh . I did a double cardio in addition to the weight training today . I feel worn and weary , but in a good way . I 'm applying for jobs , and surprisingly , am finding things , including one job that I am excited about . It would be a challenge , but in an arena where I have been very successful before . I have made up my mind to apply at the local steel mill as well . I figure that if I 'm not meant to be a COTA , I 'll wind up at the steel mill . I 'm a hard worker . I understand hard work . I 'd also be working with primarily men , and the thing about men is that if you just work hard , you 've got their respect . When you work with women , there 's all this other stuff that , to be honest , I don 't understand . I will be working at my present job full time for 6 weeks filling in for a girl while she 's on maternity leave . After that , I 'll return to my 13 hours a week . I 'm hopeful by then that I 'll know what my next step will be . It makes me very sad , because I love my job very much . Get huge personal satisfaction from doing it . But , like I said , where I wind up is where I 'm meant to be . That 's how I am going to look at it . We had an unexpected offer . One of our tenants wants to buy one of our houses . It has three apartments . He will live in one , his ex - mother in law in another , and his wife and child in another . The child will always be home , and there will always be someone to be with her . It 's an unusual situation , but how lovely for the child . I 'm sure that it is difficult for the parents , but they are united by their love for this child , and Tim and I are so touched by this that we have agreed to sell . So that 's it really . Posted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
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Posted on February 12 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Evelyn sat staring at the book , willing the words to make sense and failing with each passing moment . Her brow was furrowed in frustration and her tired eyes were red with strain . She tapped the table with a pencil in a quick , furious rhythm that caused many of the people sitting around her to cast evil glances in her direction , but she neither noticed nor cared . The book had been a immense puzzle from the moment she opened it and not a single piece had been properly put into place . Her answers were not coming . Finian pulled out a chair , sat down next to Evelyn , and he tried to make himself as small as he could . He had spent as much time as he could in study hall the last few days , getting miles ahead in his homework for the first time in his life , all in an effort to avoid watching Evelyn bash her head against the proverbial brick wall . He had found the book for her , but he wished more and more that he had just left the cursed thing in that evil shop with each passing day . He wanted to remain unnoticed for as long as possible , not wanting to disturb Evelyn 's concentration , but he knew she knew he was there . He was only really fooling himself , which is what he was best at . Continue reading → Evelyn strode into Raith 's Miscellany , Oddities and Curiosity Shoppe with her shoulders back and her eyes straight ahead . Finian followed behind her with his hands stuffed firmly into the pockets of his jeans , his shoulders hunched and his eyes darting all over the place . Every step the two friends took along their journey only firmed Evelyn 's resolve while simultaneously chipping away at Finian 's . Still , as much as he wished to run for the hills , Finian would never abandon Evelyn . Even if following her was a non stop dance with danger . Raith 's shop gave every indication of being as horrible as Alice King 's home had been , and the place was strange to say the least . There were marble busts of people with bulging eyes and outstretched tongues - like they were being hung at the moment of creation . There were rats , spiders , and bats swimming about in glass jars , dead animals that had been stuffed and hung from the walls , glass balls , tarot cards , hundreds of ticking clocks - all set to different times , an entire shelf of left sided clothing : shoes , gloves , socks , and all of it was covered in a thin film of dust . There was a large section of magic objects and talismans from all over the world , and so much bric a brac was strewn about on the floors and the shelves that it was impossible to focus on any one thing before your eyes became distracted by another thing . Walking through the shop itself was also a task in careful stepping so as not to knock something over or step on the merchandise . Evelyn blew past it all without even seeing it . She wanted to speak with Raith about necromancy . She had read all she could on the subject , learning that necromancy was a kind of magic and one often associated with communicating with the dead . In Evelyn 's mind that meant this man knew ways of speaking with people who had passed into another world . She did not believe in an afterlife , as much as she believed in spirits and ghosts , but reading about necromancy flipped a switch in her mind . It was not the dead these necromancers were speaking to , but the people who had been taken over to the other side by the spirits , like those that had stolen away her brother and Finian 's family . Raith had the answers she needed . Finian peeled off when Evelyn reached the main counter . She slammed her hand down on the service bell and Finian began browsing , trying to look for all the world like he had not come in with her . Evelyn 's tendency to go on the attack from the get go made Finian a bit nervous . Evelyn made to slam her hand down on the bell again when a tall man with a lean face and angular features reached his thin hand out and grabbed Evelyn by the wrist . " I heard you the first time , girl , " said the shop keeper in a slow , smooth voice that gave the impression he had sung the words . The man was of medium height but his presence was enormous . Staring coldly into Evelyn 's eyes with his white blonde hair hanging down to frame his face , his pale skin and ice blue eyes amplified by his all white suit and his delicate features , she could not help but feel that the man was beautiful in a way that men should not be . Finian stood puzzling , how he keeps those clothes as immaculately white as they are in this shop is magic in and of itself . He tried to fight off the feeling that they had just come face to face with an angel but could not quite get past it . " Is there something I can help you with ? " the shop keeper asked . Evelyn did not respond for several moments . She was lost in the trance of the shop keeper 's beauty " I am , " he said in a low whisper . Finian managed to raise himself off the floor and began trying to piece things back together . " We 're good over here , nothing broken . Well , nothing of mine broken . This , uh … hey ! Is this a magic eight ball ? " Finian shook it and then read the result , mumbling a string of obscenities under his breath . Luckily no one was listening to him . " Then you 're the man I 'm looking for . Alice King told us you wouldn 't want to help . " " I am afraid I do not know any Alice King , " Raith said , with a slight shrug of his shoulders . " Yes , you do . You also know about the arts of the necromancer and you 're going to help us . " Evelyn placed both hands on the counter and drew her eyebrows down . The muscles in her arms tensed and she flexed her jaw . She was not going to be brushed aside . Raith licked his lips slowly and then held his hands out in mock surrender . " Hey , " Finian broke in again , " is this a picture of Ozzy Osborne ? Ah , no , that 's Lindsey Lohan . Sorry . " " That is a portrait of Nikola Tesla , my young friend , and can be had for a very reasonable price . " " Yeah , " Finian said , running his fingers through his rust coloured hair , " I think I might have bought enough already . " " The broken items are of no consequence . I can sell them just as easily now as before you entered . " Finian cocked an eyebrow at Raith and began looking around him at the mess he had made . Then he took another look at the rest of the shop and realised that a man who ran a shop like this would probably prefer his items broken up a bit . Raith turned back to Evelyn to find that she had not moved an inch or taken her eyes off Raith for a moment . He sighed and reached for the telephone at his side . He held the receiver end out to her and said in a voice that betrayed the underlying threat . " I must ask you to leave . You have come in to my shop seeking wares I do not sell , your friend has destroyed my merchandise , and this line of questioning is beginning to border upon harassment . If you are unwilling to go I will have no choice but to phone the authorities . " " You said the broken things didn 't matter ! " Evelyn shouted . " My willingness to forgive your friend 's accident has been altered by your stubbornness . If you will consent to leave I shall let bygones be bygones . If you insist on staying I will seek full remuneration . " Finian started stumbling about and there was a mad shuffle behind Evelyn . Raith was denying her just like Alice King told Finian he would . Evelyn bit her bottom lip and growled deep in her throat . He had what she needed and he was not going to give it to her . If Finian had only been able to keep his feet she would still have room to pressure him , but that option was off the table the moment Finian did what he always did , fumble around and mess things up . He came up behind Evelyn and pulled on her arm . " We 'll go , gladly . So sorry again for eveEvelyn finally pulled away and Finian realised he had been holding his breath . Looking at the book , Evelyn smiled . " The History and Practice of Necromancy , " she whispered . " Finn , you are my hero . " " Well , I 'd love to say I broke all his crap on purpose , but the truth is I just sort of fell into that book . Literally . " Evelyn 's smile broadened and she clapped Finian on the shoulder . " Let 's go see what Raith was hiding from us . " All it took was that one sentence to reignite all the nerves in Finian 's stomach . He was certain that he would be the first teenager to die of ulcers , but how could he say no to Evelyn ? She would step in front of a moving train for him , he was certain of it . So , whatever the danger , they were in it together . At least he told himself that . Posted on January 22 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Finian was shouting at three people . Well , two people and whatever the thing could be called that continued hurling things in his direction . He was imploring Evelyn to wake up , demanding Alice King put the lid back on whatever insanity they had cut loose , and cursing the being throwing objects at his head with the force and precision of a professional pitcher . Alice King for her part was fighting to do what Finian asked , but it was much harder than he presumed . Her green eyes flashed with electricity and her leathery skin was pulled taunt over her skeleton as she began waving her hand back and forth before her . Then she closed her eyes and her hair blew back from her shoulders . The room filled with electricity and the hairs all over Finian 's body began to stand on end . Alice King brought her hand to a stop on her throat and she spoke in a deep , grave voice . " Vishuddha . " The tips of her fingers began to glow blue and a painful stillness weighted Finian to the ground . He tried to stand , to fight the force that threatened to crush him , but it was pointless . Alice King 's eyes flared open and she spoke again . " Manipura , " she said , and the blue light that flowed down her hand mixed with yellow . " Sahasrara . " As she spoke the last words a violet light erupted from the crown of Alice King 's head . She took her hand from her throat and drew a triangle in the air , repeating the three words again and a wall of blue light exploded out from the centre of where she had drawn . The ruckus and insanity of only a few moments before came to an abrupt stop and the objects ceased to fly . Alice King turned to Finian and he was certain she would kill him where he sat . He was in the midst of praying internally that witches did not truly boil their victims alive whilst cackling madly about their pretty little dinner morsels when the old woman 's face sagged and she began to shake her head slowly . " You 've notOthersiders : Arts of the Necromancer - Pt . 6 Posted on January 15 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy " Alice King ? " Evelyn said , her voice clear and strong like a river . The middle aged woman at the door smiled with the corners of her mouth , gentle lines of old skin pulling and folding , making her face ripple out in waves . Opaque shadows clouded her green eyes and she looked slightly confused to hear her own name . " May I help you , young lady ? " " Yes , my name is Evelyn Stone , and this is , " Evelyn said , turning her head to the left and right to find that Finian had stayed a few steps away from the door . Evelyn reached out and pulled him up next to her bodily . " This is Finian Kelley . " Evelyn was staring hard into the side of his face , daring him to take a step back . Turning back to face Alice King , Evelyn continued with a sigh , " we would like to ask you a few questions about your son . " Alice King 's tired eyes began to blink rapidly and she raised her feathery eyebrows . " Son ? I don 't have a son , " Alice King said , clutching her hands to her breast and popping her knuckles as she did so . Evelyn watched as the two sides of Alice King 's nature began to battle . The brittle old woman she wore as an exterior struggled to maintain control but the hardened warrior who had lost her most prized possession was fighting to get loose . The white streaks of flyaway hair that framed Alice King 's face fell into her eyes and her smile slackened . " I am sorry , you must be mistaken . " Alice King said in a voice as cold and sharp as folded steel . Evelyn licked her lips slowly . Alice King wanted to play hardball . Evelyn was battening down her own hatches while Finian , on the other hand , was pulling at her sleeve and trying to whisper into her ear . " Evie , maybe I was wrong about her . Let 's just go . I don 't think she want 's to talk with us . Besides , " he added , " I am allergic to cats . " " I don 't have any cats , " Alice King said , puzzled . " She doesn 't have a cat , Finian , " Evelyn repeated , never looking away from Alice King . Finian rolled his eyes and moved closer to Evelyn . " Look at this woman , Evie . If she doesn 't have a cat then she 's just the crazy lady . At least being ' the crazy cat lady ' makes you sound cute . People can sympathise with a cat owner . " Evelyn shook her head in a mixture of disgust and frustration . Finian would either follow her lead or go home . She had no time to humour him further . " I 'm sorry , Mrs . King , but my friend is a little strange . " " Really ? I 'm not the one trying to strike up a dialogue with Mrs . Coo - Coo for CoCo Puffs , " Finian whispered rather too loudly into Evelyn 's ear . " Finian ! " Evelyn shouted , finally turning to glare him into silence . " Mrs . King , I am sorry once again for my friend 's mouth . He can 't always seem to control it . " " It 's quite alright my dear , " Alice King said . " As I was saying , we 've come to ask you a few questions about your son . I am sure this is a sensitive subject and I know that we are strangers but I assure you we are very interested in anything you might be able to tell us about his disappearance . " Alice King blinked several times and took a deep breath . She was wrestling again . Her smiled returned again , only wider , and crows feet spread from the corners of her eyes like talons . " As I told you before , young lady , I don 't have a son . " Evelyn finally caught on to the game of semantics Alice King was playing . " Of course . You don 't have a son because he was taken . You did have one before though , didn 't you ? " Alice King 's knuckles cracked again . " Young lady , I really think this conversation has become inappropriate and I am going to have to ask you to leave . I have been as patient as I can be with complete strangers . " Alice King made to close the door on them and Evelyn put her hand out to stop it . She would not be so easily dismissed . " Mrs . King , please . We need to see the album . We need to know what you remember . It might help us ! We 've lost loved ones too ! " By the end Evelyn was shouting in the woman 's face . " Lower your voice , " Alice King rasped , her eyes flashing hawklike . " Your shouting will draw it out ! " " Draw what out ? " Finian shouted . A chair was thrown from Alice King 's house . It exploded from the front window near where Finian was standing in a shower of glass . Finian ducked behind Evelyn and she instinctively put her arm out to shield him . Alice King tried to use the distraction to slam the door shut but Evelyn was too fast . She got her foot into the gap before it closed and then used her youthful strength to shoulder the door back . Alice King went sprawling onto the hard tile floor with Evelyn and Finian tripping into the room behind her . A glass frame came whizzing from a neighbouring room and smashed into the wall above Finian 's head . He let out a high pitched squeal and dropped to the floor with his hands over his head . " What in great holy hell was that , Evie ! " Evelyn was looking around for their attacker and found nothing . Then a glass vase was lifted from before her eyes and there was no hand holding it . Whatever doubts she had before she entered this house were blown out like a candle in a high wind . It was all true . The vase came pelting toward her and smashed into her face . She had been so awestruck by it that she did not even raise her hands to defend herself . Evelyn dropped to the floor on top of Finian in a shower of glass , violets , baby 's breath and cascading water . The last thoughts she had before blacking out where of her brother and knowing that she had been right all along . He was alive and she was going to find him . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 4 Comments Alice King 's house was a ten kilometre walk from the train station and it gave Finian plenty of time to think of reasons why they should back out . Over a long enough time line Finian Kelley found a reason to back out of any decision , however benign . " I 'm just saying , Evie , what do we have on us to fight a ghost if one appears ? What if one of your spirits actually shows up ? " " I 'm sorry , who was it again that was trying to convince me that we had to live in this current moment and to move forward ? I think that was you . " " I know , but that was back in the nice , safe train station when you were looking all sad and lost and in need of a strong man to set you straight . I have since given up that role and returned to wise cracking pansy and I feel that I should point out how under prepared we seem to be . " Evelyn ignored him . As soon as the line , " strong man " came out of Finian 's mouth it was meant to be describing him she knew that anything else he said would be utter nonsense . Truthfully the majority of Finian 's words were utter nonsense . This made gaining any real insight from the things he said very difficult . You had to wade through a whole sea of absurdities just to fine the one nugget to truth . For Evelyn that was too much effort at the moment . They arrived at Alice King 's house and every sense set off alarms that Finian 's nonsense was much more logical than either of them wanted to give it credit for . The house was ripped out of a forgotten time and thrown slapdash into a well kept neighbourhood like a troll throw into a group shot at the Miss America pageant . The grass was the yellowish green of cast off ear wax and the paint on the house appeared to be pealing away in an attempt to play no part in what the rest of the structure had become . For blocks the two friends had enjoyed the songs of the spring birds on a rather warm day but but as soon as they arrived in front of Alice King 's they were met with a chilly , deafening silence . Finian 's mind was made up the moment he realisedShare this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Finian stood alone at the train station , watching the endless crowd of people come and go with his imagination running in overdrive . A mother and her two daughters marched past him with purpose and determination , the small girls pulling character suitcases on wheels , and Finian decided that this was a mother vampire and her two sucklings . They carried blood packets in their suitcases and they were off to visit Dracula in Transylvania . A man in a black suit with a black bowler hat was the owner / operator of the world 's largest poodle farm and he was taking a trip to West Whateverville to purchase the largest puce poodle in the Northern Hemisphere . This prized overgrown cotton ball with eyes was worth more than all the bananas in Antarctica and he would not go living another day without her . The stories went on and on . Finian could never get enough of people watching . Lost in his own little world Finian never saw Evelyn coming . She came up from behind him and placed her hand on his shoulder , resulting in a near ear splitting scream . Finian was not known for his bravery . " Finn , it 's me , calm down . " Finian turned back to face Evelyn , his chest heaving and his hands on his hips like he had just run a great distance . " Yeah , I know . I was just giving off that war cry thing that they do in martial arts . " Evelyn stared back at him blank faced . " You know , the shout before they kill you , or while they are killing you . I was never clear on that part actually . " " Are you talking about ' Kiai ' ? " " Yep , that 's it . I was letting off my ki thingie . . I hope I didn 't scare you . " " You didn 't . " Evelyn said with a total lack of emotion . " Right . Good . So , what took you so long ? " Evelyn did not respond . Instead she turned toward the schedule board to begin looking over the train times . Finian could feel that Evelyn 's mind was somewhere else as he attempted to read her expression . He usually tried not to make a habit of looking too hard at Evelyn because he knew he ran the risk of being caught staring . Looking at her was dangerous , like staring into the sun . As she brushed her short black hair out of her eyes though he could see they were puffy . She had been crying recently . Finian also noticed that she did not have the books she had gone to get from home . He put two and two together and decided it was best not to ask what was wrong . He knew the answer already . " It looks like we only have about five minutes until the train , we should get moving . " She turned back and Finian was caught doing just what he had been trying to avoid being caught doing . He panicked and just kept staring . Her hazel eyes boring a hole in his face , he could feel his eyes getting wider . Crippled with indecision he nodded his head quickly . " Yeah , I got the tickets already . No problem . " She raised one eyebrow and cocked her head , a strand of red that was streaked through her hair falling back into her eyes . She looked sad . If Finian did not know her better he would have said she looked defeated as well . He really wanted to know what had been said between her and her parents but asking would be bad tact . The best he could do was smile and pretend he knew nothing . That was one thing Finian was an expert at . " Shall we go ? " he said , looking around to see if he was leaving anything behind even though he had been standing there holding all his worldly possessions from the moment he came into the station . Finian never put his belongings down . He was too paranoid . " Yes , let 's , " Evelyn said , taking a deep breath and sounding a bit more like the girl Finian knew but still not quite right . This made Finian nervous . They would need her if they were going to get anytOthersiders : Arts of the Necromancer - Pt . 3 Posted on December 23 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Evelyn knew there was going to be trouble the moment she walked into the house . She had gone home to collect a few books she needed before heading off to meet Alice King only to find her father sitting in his chair with his chin resting on his laced fingers . This was Paul Stone 's introspective pose and it always meant it was time for a talk . The last thing Evelyn wanted to do right then was fight with her father . She loved her father . She loved him so much that it hurt . It hurt her to think that the strongest , smartest man she had ever known was denying that his own son had ever existed . It hurt even more that he was treating Evelyn as if she were abnormal for not doing the same . The thing that hurt the most though was knowing that he knew the truth and seeing how straight faced he could lie to her . Evelyn knew in the depth of her heart that the lying was tearing him apart and could never understand why he refused to relent . Her father was stubborn , just like her , and their prides were about to force them to say more things they would regret . " Evelyn , " he began and she could hear the heavy weight he was carrying in his voice . He was tired . Fighting with the only person next to his wife who he treasured most in life was taking the fire out of him . " I need to speak with you for a moment . " Evelyn stood in the entryway , torn . She could engage him here and get it over with or try to ignore the seriousness of his face and proceed upstairs . He would follow her and still say whatever he was going to say , making the attempt to avoid the fight futile , but at least she could change the venue and possibly tip the balance of power . These little tactics were below her though . She was not a coward . Evelyn stepped into the living room and crossed her arms under her breasts . " Okay , what 's up ? " " I got a call from your school today . Your class counsellor is a bit worried about you . " " Why ? I haven ' tEvelyn had been careful never to bring Finian around the house because she knew how her parents would react . They would look at him and see a crazy kid come to support her in her wild ideas , making her so - called , ' problem ' , worse . She would not allow her parents to belittle Finian 's pain . They did that enough to her . " What is wrong with my friends , dad ? " Evelyn said in a tone that was meant to sound innocent but came off entirely too sarcastic . She had been spending way too much time with Finian . " I think you know what the problem is , Evelyn . " " No , I don 't , dad . You were the one that wanted to have a talk , so why don 't you stop beating around the bush and talk . " Paul sighed . He closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " Who is Finian Kelley ? " Evelyn flexed the muscles in her jaw . She knew this was coming but it still made her so angry . Angry at her counsellor for butting into something that was none of her business , angry at her father for what she knew he was about to tell her , and mostly angry at herself for not being more careful about how and when she met up with Finian . She was sure that Finian would be getting a call to his counsellor as well and Evelyn hated thinking that she put that burden on him . " He is a new boy at school . " Evelyn knew what answer her father wanted and had purposefully avoided giving it to him . She immediately hated herself being such a coward . it made her feel like she was playing the same game as her father so she quickly added , " he 's my friend . " " I see , " her father replied . His voice sounded completely defeated . " When did you become friends with this Finian ? Before or after you learned that he has a wild fantasy about a family that never existed ? " Evelyn herself could not have predicted how furious what her father had just said would make her . She had been preparing herself for the worst but it was not enough . Finian was not there to defend himself and she would not let anyone speak that way about her friend . " How dare you ! You don 't even know him and you have the audacity to say something like that ? How could you possibly know what he 's been through ? What evidence do you have that he 's not telling the truth . What the hell do you know ! " Evelyn shouted the last sentence so loudly that it brought her mother into the room . " Is everything okay in here ? " she asked . Airi , Evelyn 's mother , had a slow , calm way of speaking that always brought tempers down from a flare . Evelyn had not realised in her passion that she had moved closer to her father . She was pointing at him , her finger shaking with rage , and she stepped back quickly when her mother entered the room . " Yes , everything is fine . " " It 's not fine , Evelyn . I don 't want you hanging around that boy . " Paul said in a flat tone as he rose from the chair . " You are not to see Finian Kelley again . I will say this only once . " Evelyn laughed . That is what she usually did when someone threatened her . Her father never could get it through his head that she was his daughter . She was just like him - strong , stubborn and spirited . They were both mustangs . The more you tried to control them the more they kicked . Telling her never to see Finian again was only going to assure she never missed an opportunity to be around him . " And I will say this only once , Paul . " Evelyn put all the emphasis she could on his name . She wanted him to know that he was not being her father just then . She wanted to make him finally see what he was becoming . " You are never going to tell me who I canShe could not bear to turn and face him . She knew he was crying too . " Do you really need to ask that question ? " " I am trying to understand , Evie . I want to know what is going on with you . I want to understand why you won 't let this strange fantasy of yours go , but I can 't do this anymore . Why can 't you see that I am not trying to hurt you , Evelyn . I am trying to help you . " Evelyn was so filled with hurt and fear and anger that she could not find words at first . He had called it a fantasy again . He had called it a fantasy so many times that she could feel herself almost starting to question if it just might be . He was wearing her down . She had to fight it . For Akira 's sake , she had to fight it . Evelyn spun and faced her father , ripping her arm from his grasp . " Let me ask you a question then , dad . " " Anything . " " Do you love me ? " It was a simple question but the implication of it made Paul start . " Of course I love you , Evelyn . I love you more than anything in this world . " " For how long ? " Paul drew his eyebrows together and shook his head . " I don 't understand what you mean . How long have I loved you ? Since the moment you were born . " " No . I want to know for how long you would have kept on loving me if it had been me they took instead of Akira . How long would it take for me to be a stupid fantasy . How long would you care ? " The shock in Paul 's face was indescribable . His mouth hung open and his lip began to quiver . " These are the thoughts that I have to live with . Looking in your eyes and knowing you have given up on him . " Evelyn 's voice caught and she had to swallow before she could finish . " Knowing that you would give up on me . Knowing that you wouldn 't fight . " " I would tear the world apart to find you , Evie , you have to believe that , " Paul said , grabbing her by both arms and pulling her to his chest . She let him hug her for a moment but she felt nothing but sorrow . Every fight they had brought them one step closer to a completely broken relationship . Evelyn feared that even if she was able to bring Akira back and put her family right , she and her father would never be the same . " I wish I could believe that , " she said , pushing away . " But I don 't trust you anymore . " Evelyn turned away again slowly and walked out the door . She left Paul standing in the entryway with a look of numb shock on his face . The silence she left in the house was oppressive enough to be considered painful and Paul was rooted to the spot where Evelyn had cut him down . Airi approached him and folded herself into his chest . She wrapped her arms around him and tried to be what comfort she could . " How long must it go on like this ? Will this ever end ? " Paul said nothing . He had not words left . Evelyn had taken more from him with her words than she could ever have imagined . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Posted on December 21 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Libraries are temples of knowledge . They are palaces of silence and concentration where seekers come with questions and leave with answers . The books contained within any library represent the life work of the very wise and the very creative . Children are taught from a young age to respect the silence maintained in the library because , as anyone should know , deep thinking is taking place there . A person who would raise their voice in a library was surely reared in a barn of some sort and deserves to be punished severely . " I found something ! " Finian Kelley shouted and the echoes of his voice boomed in that hallowed place . " Finn , lower your voice . We are in the library . " The look in Evelyn 's eye said there would be pain if he did not comply . " Yeah , okay , I 'll whisper , " he said in a slightly lower tone but nowhere near an actual whisper . " This is really great though , Evie . I found just the person we have been looking for ! " Over the course of the past several weeks Finian and Evelyn had been digging around to find a link to the spirits Evelyn held responsible for the disappearances of their loved ones . When they began their search they looked for any and all traces of supernatural occurrences . Their initial research brought back results that were so widespread and numerous that Evelyn was spending nights on end reading through books . It was Finian that came up with a solution . " We don 't need any old ghost story or rumours of hauntings . What we need are cases of delusional people who believe someone has been abducted that no one can account for . If we try and hunt down every single ghost story on Earth we will be reading books forever . Any by we I mean you , " he said offhandedly . " That is not to say that I don 't like reading but I like sleeping a lot more and reading what you want me to read would prevent me from doing so . " " Let me guess , too many big words . " Evelyn had said with tired look . " No , actually . I like big words . It 's the abundance of master level ghost stories that often leave me in need of a nightlight I cannot stand . Did you know that they make clap on , clap off nightlights now ? Who knew nighttime could be so fun ? " Finian had thus set them on a more manageable course and the two of them began tackling the odd world of delusional abduction cases . Neither were surprised to find that the largest number of cases fitting this description originated in Nevada . They both quickly agreed that those cases were not worth looking into . As willing as Evelyn was to believe in spirit abduction she wanted nothing to do with the , ' little green men poked me in the no - no zone , ' crowd . Finian passed Evelyn some newspaper clippings and began to read over the notes he had made . " According to the report this woman … " " Alice King . " " Yeah , her . She claims to have had a son that was abducted years ago by what she described as … " Finian began flipping through pages , “… a blue spectral being who radiated heat like the sun and smelled of elderberries . " Finian stopped and looked up at Evelyn . " What the hell is an elderberry ? " " They look like blackberries and the grow in the warm parts of North America and Great Britain . I wouldn 't worry about that part though . So she claims her son was abducted and she is definitely a bit off , how does this make her perfect ? " " Ah , right , " Finian continued , his voice still carrying all about the library . " I forgot about the best part . So she has this photo album set , right ? She has pictures of her with this child over a whole decade . The kid was ten when he disappeared , if you believe he existed , and she has all these pictures of her with him . Pictures of him as a baby , pictures of him at the zoo , probably a few of those choice pictures that all parents take of their children just to show other people when they grow up so that we have a full appreciation of the word , ' shame , ' as well . " Evelyn had an introspective look on her face and Finian decided to elaborate . " You know what I 'm talking about , right ? The bathtub pictures where mom and dad get the full butt shot that they feel obliged to show the first boyfriend who ever shows up at the house to ? Boys usually have the old hot dog sale pictures as well but I didn 't mind so much when mom and dad showed that one off . I 've been selling foot longs for a while , if you know what I mean . " Evelyn sighed and went back to her reading . " Pictures can be faked Finn . " " If you don 't want to believe the pictures lady I can unleash the fury right here ! " " Finn , you drop your pants and I drop you . I am not talking about your childhood pornography . I am talking about Alice King . " It 's a Spam sandwich . I don 't know why that popped into my head . I don 't even like Spam , and I 'm a bottom feeder . " " Finn , " Evelyn paused and Finian knew what was coming . " Shut it . " This was something he heard at least five times a day . His constant running off at the mouth usually ended in him being told to , ' shut it , ' but he never could manage to do what he was told . " Yeah , no problem . I 'll just be quiet . " Evelyn looked down at the papers that Finian had brought and she was hit by a flash of deja vu . She knew Alice King . The woman staring back at her in the paper was someone she had met before . Evelyn had seen her somewhere before but she could not remember where . It had been at some kind of party and the woman had looked much happier then . Who was she ? Finian began drumming out a beat into the desk and Evelyn gave him a death stare that sent his hands into the air like a surrendering criminal . He made it so impossibly hard to concentrate . Evelyn needed to focus to remember where she had seen this woman before and Finian had just chased off the loose thread she was grasping for . " Hey , what 's it gonna hurt if we go out and give old batty five minutes to spew her crazy all over us ? It 's not like we 're going to catch it from her . We already have it . Besides , maybe she can hem some of the rips you have put in my clothes . " Evelyn sat up straight and her eyes shot open . That was it . Alice King was a seamstress . She fixed clothes for a living . Evelyn 's parents had hosted a party in celebration of her mother completing her doctoral dissertation and they had needed a seamstress to fix her dress . Alice King had been in Evelyn 's house . " My parents know this woman . " Finian looked as if he had been slapped . " What are you talking about ? " " She has been in my house . I have met this woman . She 's a friend of my father 's from University , if my memory serves me right . " Evelyn 's memory was impeccable and she knew it was not tricking her now . Alice King had come to her house to fix the dress as a favour to Evelyn 's father . Alice had spoken with Evelyn about Alice 's son and said that she wanted to bring him by sometime so that they could become friends . " She wanted me to be friends with her son . I remember her ! " " Okay . I guess I shouldn 't be surprised that your family befriends whack jobs but this jumps ole Alice here up a few notches on the list of people I don 't want to have hiding in my closet eating ice cream . " " Who would you want hiding in your closet eating ice cream ? " " Scarlett Johansen , for starters . I have a whole list . Would you like it alphabetically or … " " Finn , " Evelyn growled . " Shut it . " " Yep . " Alice King was the perfect place to start and Finian had found a way in all his rambling to help Evelyn remember why she was important . He had also been the one to come up with the plan for narrowing their search . As much as Evelyn hated to admit it , Finian was a good companion . He served as a counterweight to her because he was definitely opposite of her in almost every way . Finian was loud , sarcastic , ridiculous in every way imaginable and completely lacking in the backbone department but Evelyn knew then , just as she had known when she first met him , that this boy was going to help her find her brother . He was a part of her world now , whether he liked it or not . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 1 Comment Posted on December 20 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy I grew up in a wonderful place with a loving family . I had a brother and a sister that I loved with all my heart and a mother and father who were caring an supportive of me in every way . I went to a nice school , had many friends , and got to experience all that life has to offer a young man still learning about the world . I had a perfect life . At least , I think I did . I have learned over the last year that what you think you know and what is true are not always the same thing . What I believe of my past is all strawberries and sunshine . The truth is more like haggis and hurricane betty . Neither of which are good for digestion , for different reasons of course . My life now is a walking nightmare . That much I am absolutely certain of . My parents are gone and so are my brother and sister . There is a long tale that goes along with that but for now let is suffice to say that my psychiatrist tells me they never existed . Señorita Rosquilla , as I have affectionally styled my shrink , should be the poster girl for processed sugar products . Little Debbie needs to step aside . I wish I could disappear her in that same magic la - la land my family supposedly has been lost to but unfortunately I think she is far too fat to be sucked into the blackest of black holes . Such is the sad fate of my life . I am told that I have created a fantasy world where I had the ideal family to compensate for the crappy life I have now . I don 't disagree with the ' crappy life now ' part , but the rest is absolute rubbish . I did not make up my family . They existed and I am dead set on proving it . That is my goal now . It is my only goal . Homework be damned ! Okay , that last part serves a dual purpose but let 's not focus on that right now . For the longest time I had no vent for my frustration , no place to put all my confusion and anger over the entire world 's insistence on telling me that my family was just a dream . Then I met Evie . The day I saw her my whole world turned upside down . That was mainly because I was staring at her with my mouth open like she was a box full of Big Macs and I was a recent parolee from fat camp . The drool was probably not helping my cause , but that is still neither her nor there . Either way , Evie flipped my bony frame over and gave me a rather gentle lecture , for her at least , on why staring is considered rude . I say ' for her ' because I have come to learn how extremely painful Evie 's lectures can be . Evie , or Evelyn if you are a teacher , or her dad , or some other official sounding person who does not like abbreviating names , or you are God and have thus decreed that be thine creature 's name and thou shalt callest thine creature thus or thou shalt be struck by the holiest of lightning … I lost my train of thought . Oh , yes , Evelyn . She is a Jiu Jitsu master and the head of the cheerleading squad . An odd combination to say the least but being the most popular girl in school and someone who could wipe the floor with any member of the student body , male or female , no one has ever thought to comment outside of , " Wow , you 're pretty . " Even that can get you punched at times . On the same day that Evie decided I needed a small lesson in manners she came to find me after school . I was ready for her this time and whipped out my brass knuckles . I was going to lay her out , Mike Tyson style , when compassion overtook me and I let her live . I swear that is what happened . Whatever else you may hear I did not see her and start running for my life like a zebra who somehow escaped the most terrifying lioness the Sahara had ever spat out only to be tracked back down by the same said lioness . There may have been urine . Again , stop focusing on the unimportant parts . Evie finally caught me and threw me to the ground in a heap ofI looked into Evie 's hazel eyes and told her the truth . She looked back into my blue ones and believed me . The shock was such that I put on that same face she so disliked from earlier on in the day and I was nearly given a refresher course . Thankfully I got my mouth shut quick enough for her to huff it off . Evie explained to me then that she had experienced something similar . She had had a little brother who she loved intensely . Then one day she woke up and he was gone . Everyone tried to pretend like he had never existed but Evie knew better . She would not be lied to . Sadly Evie had suffered an almost never - ending series of set backs in her attempts at discovering the truth about her brother . Her parents had started off gently with her , trying their best to understand why she was making up such a wild fantasy . When she persisted they made her go and see Señorita Rosquilla as well and that has oddly become another in the long list of things that tie Evie and my fates together . Who knew the skinny , brainy boy who most people think is some kind of poltergeist and / or foster parent killer would have so much in common with the Amazonian Princess of the total hotness ? Life can be funny . Life is funny . Almost every moment of the day life is a gas if you choose to see it that way . Most people do not not , however , and that is really sad . Talking with Evie I learned that she had traveled much further down the track of finding an answer than I would have even thought to go and she believes she has found the key to finding her brother . She is also convinced that , if she is correct , it will lead to finding my family too . Evie says it was sprits that took our families . Ghosts . Spectres . Spooks . She says it with much more convincing style . I could not convince a starving man to eat the most delicious apple on earth . This is another reason why Evie and I make such a great pair . Evie has done a lot of research and says that there are ghosts everywhere . She claims that all humans have a spirit and that when we die our spirits move on to fulfil some other role in the world . Reincarnation is the term for it I guess but she also believes that , just like there are bad humans , there are bad spirits and they come back as all the negative things that exist in the world . Evie thinks that there is a place between living and dying and that the good spirits and the bad spirits are fighting there over the balance of the world and if the bad spirits take enough of the good spirits into their own little prison then humanity will plummet into total chaos and darkness . Evie claims that this is why humanity is continuing to lose its spark . She says this is why people can seem so mean and heartless at times . So my family was taken because we were too bright . We were a happy family and the darkness needed to put us out . I just cannot figure out why they left me behind though . Oh , wait , yes I can . Again , you really need to lay off the unimportant details and let me tell the story . Evie 's brother was taken because , according to Evie , he was the final piece in her family 's puzzle . As a whole they were the perfect family . Mom , dad , Evie and little brother . Four wonderful , beautiful people . Taking one out made the puzzle incomplete . The question that burns Evie and I both is why are we the only ones that remember ? How is it that everyone else has simply forgotten ? Evie believes we have to answer that question first and then everything else will fall into place . Her plan of attack is , well , insane . We go ghost hunting in our free time . That , interestingly enough , is one of the few times I have not been joking since I started this rant . We hunt ghosts . LikPlease do not tell her I said that . I like all my parts where they are . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 3 Comments
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Posted on February 12 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Evelyn sat staring at the book , willing the words to make sense and failing with each passing moment . Her brow was furrowed in frustration and her tired eyes were red with strain . She tapped the table with a pencil in a quick , furious rhythm that caused many of the people sitting around her to cast evil glances in her direction , but she neither noticed nor cared . The book had been a immense puzzle from the moment she opened it and not a single piece had been properly put into place . Her answers were not coming . Finian pulled out a chair , sat down next to Evelyn , and he tried to make himself as small as he could . He had spent as much time as he could in study hall the last few days , getting miles ahead in his homework for the first time in his life , all in an effort to avoid watching Evelyn bash her head against the proverbial brick wall . He had found the book for her , but he wished more and more that he had just left the cursed thing in that evil shop with each passing day . He wanted to remain unnoticed for as long as possible , not wanting to disturb Evelyn 's concentration , but he knew she knew he was there . He was only really fooling himself , which is what he was best at . Continue reading → Evelyn strode into Raith 's Miscellany , Oddities and Curiosity Shoppe with her shoulders back and her eyes straight ahead . Finian followed behind her with his hands stuffed firmly into the pockets of his jeans , his shoulders hunched and his eyes darting all over the place . Every step the two friends took along their journey only firmed Evelyn 's resolve while simultaneously chipping away at Finian 's . Still , as much as he wished to run for the hills , Finian would never abandon Evelyn . Even if following her was a non stop dance with danger . Raith 's shop gave every indication of being as horrible as Alice King 's home had been , and the place was strange to say the least . There were marble busts of people with bulging eyes and outstretched tongues - like they were being hung at the moment of creation . There were rats , spiders , and bats swimming about in glass jars , dead animals that had been stuffed and hung from the walls , glass balls , tarot cards , hundreds of ticking clocks - all set to different times , an entire shelf of left sided clothing : shoes , gloves , socks , and all of it was covered in a thin film of dust . There was a large section of magic objects and talismans from all over the world , and so much bric a brac was strewn about on the floors and the shelves that it was impossible to focus on any one thing before your eyes became distracted by another thing . Walking through the shop itself was also a task in careful stepping so as not to knock something over or step on the merchandise . Evelyn blew past it all without even seeing it . She wanted to speak with Raith about necromancy . She had read all she could on the subject , learning that necromancy was a kind of magic and one often associated with communicating with the dead . In Evelyn 's mind that meant this man knew ways of speaking with people who had passed into another world . She did not believe in an afterlife , as much as she believed in spirits and ghosts , but reading about necromancy flipped a switch in her mind . It was not the dead these necromancers were speaking to , but the people who had been taken over to the other side by the spirits , like those that had stolen away her brother and Finian 's family . Raith had the answers she needed . Finian peeled off when Evelyn reached the main counter . She slammed her hand down on the service bell and Finian began browsing , trying to look for all the world like he had not come in with her . Evelyn 's tendency to go on the attack from the get go made Finian a bit nervous . Evelyn made to slam her hand down on the bell again when a tall man with a lean face and angular features reached his thin hand out and grabbed Evelyn by the wrist . " I heard you the first time , girl , " said the shop keeper in a slow , smooth voice that gave the impression he had sung the words . The man was of medium height but his presence was enormous . Staring coldly into Evelyn 's eyes with his white blonde hair hanging down to frame his face , his pale skin and ice blue eyes amplified by his all white suit and his delicate features , she could not help but feel that the man was beautiful in a way that men should not be . Finian stood puzzling , how he keeps those clothes as immaculately white as they are in this shop is magic in and of itself . He tried to fight off the feeling that they had just come face to face with an angel but could not quite get past it . " Is there something I can help you with ? " the shop keeper asked . Evelyn did not respond for several moments . She was lost in the trance of the shop keeper 's beauty " I am , " he said in a low whisper . Finian managed to raise himself off the floor and began trying to piece things back together . " We 're good over here , nothing broken . Well , nothing of mine broken . This , uh … hey ! Is this a magic eight ball ? " Finian shook it and then read the result , mumbling a string of obscenities under his breath . Luckily no one was listening to him . " Then you 're the man I 'm looking for . Alice King told us you wouldn 't want to help . " " I am afraid I do not know any Alice King , " Raith said , with a slight shrug of his shoulders . " Yes , you do . You also know about the arts of the necromancer and you 're going to help us . " Evelyn placed both hands on the counter and drew her eyebrows down . The muscles in her arms tensed and she flexed her jaw . She was not going to be brushed aside . Raith licked his lips slowly and then held his hands out in mock surrender . " Hey , " Finian broke in again , " is this a picture of Ozzy Osborne ? Ah , no , that 's Lindsey Lohan . Sorry . " " That is a portrait of Nikola Tesla , my young friend , and can be had for a very reasonable price . " " Yeah , " Finian said , running his fingers through his rust coloured hair , " I think I might have bought enough already . " " The broken items are of no consequence . I can sell them just as easily now as before you entered . " Finian cocked an eyebrow at Raith and began looking around him at the mess he had made . Then he took another look at the rest of the shop and realised that a man who ran a shop like this would probably prefer his items broken up a bit . Raith turned back to Evelyn to find that she had not moved an inch or taken her eyes off Raith for a moment . He sighed and reached for the telephone at his side . He held the receiver end out to her and said in a voice that betrayed the underlying threat . " I must ask you to leave . You have come in to my shop seeking wares I do not sell , your friend has destroyed my merchandise , and this line of questioning is beginning to border upon harassment . If you are unwilling to go I will have no choice but to phone the authorities . " " You said the broken things didn 't matter ! " Evelyn shouted . " My willingness to forgive your friend 's accident has been altered by your stubbornness . If you will consent to leave I shall let bygones be bygones . If you insist on staying I will seek full remuneration . " Finian started stumbling about and there was a mad shuffle behind Evelyn . Raith was denying her just like Alice King told Finian he would . Evelyn bit her bottom lip and growled deep in her throat . He had what she needed and he was not going to give it to her . If Finian had only been able to keep his feet she would still have room to pressure him , but that option was off the table the moment Finian did what he always did , fumble around and mess things up . He came up behind Evelyn and pulled on her arm . " We 'll go , gladly . So sorry again for eveEvelyn finally pulled away and Finian realised he had been holding his breath . Looking at the book , Evelyn smiled . " The History and Practice of Necromancy , " she whispered . " Finn , you are my hero . " " Well , I 'd love to say I broke all his crap on purpose , but the truth is I just sort of fell into that book . Literally . " Evelyn 's smile broadened and she clapped Finian on the shoulder . " Let 's go see what Raith was hiding from us . " All it took was that one sentence to reignite all the nerves in Finian 's stomach . He was certain that he would be the first teenager to die of ulcers , but how could he say no to Evelyn ? She would step in front of a moving train for him , he was certain of it . So , whatever the danger , they were in it together . At least he told himself that . Posted on January 22 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Finian was shouting at three people . Well , two people and whatever the thing could be called that continued hurling things in his direction . He was imploring Evelyn to wake up , demanding Alice King put the lid back on whatever insanity they had cut loose , and cursing the being throwing objects at his head with the force and precision of a professional pitcher . Alice King for her part was fighting to do what Finian asked , but it was much harder than he presumed . Her green eyes flashed with electricity and her leathery skin was pulled taunt over her skeleton as she began waving her hand back and forth before her . Then she closed her eyes and her hair blew back from her shoulders . The room filled with electricity and the hairs all over Finian 's body began to stand on end . Alice King brought her hand to a stop on her throat and she spoke in a deep , grave voice . " Vishuddha . " The tips of her fingers began to glow blue and a painful stillness weighted Finian to the ground . He tried to stand , to fight the force that threatened to crush him , but it was pointless . Alice King 's eyes flared open and she spoke again . " Manipura , " she said , and the blue light that flowed down her hand mixed with yellow . " Sahasrara . " As she spoke the last words a violet light erupted from the crown of Alice King 's head . She took her hand from her throat and drew a triangle in the air , repeating the three words again and a wall of blue light exploded out from the centre of where she had drawn . The ruckus and insanity of only a few moments before came to an abrupt stop and the objects ceased to fly . Alice King turned to Finian and he was certain she would kill him where he sat . He was in the midst of praying internally that witches did not truly boil their victims alive whilst cackling madly about their pretty little dinner morsels when the old woman 's face sagged and she began to shake her head slowly . " You 've notOthersiders : Arts of the Necromancer - Pt . 6 Posted on January 15 , 2016 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy " Alice King ? " Evelyn said , her voice clear and strong like a river . The middle aged woman at the door smiled with the corners of her mouth , gentle lines of old skin pulling and folding , making her face ripple out in waves . Opaque shadows clouded her green eyes and she looked slightly confused to hear her own name . " May I help you , young lady ? " " Yes , my name is Evelyn Stone , and this is , " Evelyn said , turning her head to the left and right to find that Finian had stayed a few steps away from the door . Evelyn reached out and pulled him up next to her bodily . " This is Finian Kelley . " Evelyn was staring hard into the side of his face , daring him to take a step back . Turning back to face Alice King , Evelyn continued with a sigh , " we would like to ask you a few questions about your son . " Alice King 's tired eyes began to blink rapidly and she raised her feathery eyebrows . " Son ? I don 't have a son , " Alice King said , clutching her hands to her breast and popping her knuckles as she did so . Evelyn watched as the two sides of Alice King 's nature began to battle . The brittle old woman she wore as an exterior struggled to maintain control but the hardened warrior who had lost her most prized possession was fighting to get loose . The white streaks of flyaway hair that framed Alice King 's face fell into her eyes and her smile slackened . " I am sorry , you must be mistaken . " Alice King said in a voice as cold and sharp as folded steel . Evelyn licked her lips slowly . Alice King wanted to play hardball . Evelyn was battening down her own hatches while Finian , on the other hand , was pulling at her sleeve and trying to whisper into her ear . " Evie , maybe I was wrong about her . Let 's just go . I don 't think she want 's to talk with us . Besides , " he added , " I am allergic to cats . " " I don 't have any cats , " Alice King said , puzzled . " She doesn 't have a cat , Finian , " Evelyn repeated , never looking away from Alice King . Finian rolled his eyes and moved closer to Evelyn . " Look at this woman , Evie . If she doesn 't have a cat then she 's just the crazy lady . At least being ' the crazy cat lady ' makes you sound cute . People can sympathise with a cat owner . " Evelyn shook her head in a mixture of disgust and frustration . Finian would either follow her lead or go home . She had no time to humour him further . " I 'm sorry , Mrs . King , but my friend is a little strange . " " Really ? I 'm not the one trying to strike up a dialogue with Mrs . Coo - Coo for CoCo Puffs , " Finian whispered rather too loudly into Evelyn 's ear . " Finian ! " Evelyn shouted , finally turning to glare him into silence . " Mrs . King , I am sorry once again for my friend 's mouth . He can 't always seem to control it . " " It 's quite alright my dear , " Alice King said . " As I was saying , we 've come to ask you a few questions about your son . I am sure this is a sensitive subject and I know that we are strangers but I assure you we are very interested in anything you might be able to tell us about his disappearance . " Alice King blinked several times and took a deep breath . She was wrestling again . Her smiled returned again , only wider , and crows feet spread from the corners of her eyes like talons . " As I told you before , young lady , I don 't have a son . " Evelyn finally caught on to the game of semantics Alice King was playing . " Of course . You don 't have a son because he was taken . You did have one before though , didn 't you ? " Alice King 's knuckles cracked again . " Young lady , I really think this conversation has become inappropriate and I am going to have to ask you to leave . I have been as patient as I can be with complete strangers . " Alice King made to close the door on them and Evelyn put her hand out to stop it . She would not be so easily dismissed . " Mrs . King , please . We need to see the album . We need to know what you remember . It might help us ! We 've lost loved ones too ! " By the end Evelyn was shouting in the woman 's face . " Lower your voice , " Alice King rasped , her eyes flashing hawklike . " Your shouting will draw it out ! " " Draw what out ? " Finian shouted . A chair was thrown from Alice King 's house . It exploded from the front window near where Finian was standing in a shower of glass . Finian ducked behind Evelyn and she instinctively put her arm out to shield him . Alice King tried to use the distraction to slam the door shut but Evelyn was too fast . She got her foot into the gap before it closed and then used her youthful strength to shoulder the door back . Alice King went sprawling onto the hard tile floor with Evelyn and Finian tripping into the room behind her . A glass frame came whizzing from a neighbouring room and smashed into the wall above Finian 's head . He let out a high pitched squeal and dropped to the floor with his hands over his head . " What in great holy hell was that , Evie ! " Evelyn was looking around for their attacker and found nothing . Then a glass vase was lifted from before her eyes and there was no hand holding it . Whatever doubts she had before she entered this house were blown out like a candle in a high wind . It was all true . The vase came pelting toward her and smashed into her face . She had been so awestruck by it that she did not even raise her hands to defend herself . Evelyn dropped to the floor on top of Finian in a shower of glass , violets , baby 's breath and cascading water . The last thoughts she had before blacking out where of her brother and knowing that she had been right all along . He was alive and she was going to find him . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 4 Comments Alice King 's house was a ten kilometre walk from the train station and it gave Finian plenty of time to think of reasons why they should back out . Over a long enough time line Finian Kelley found a reason to back out of any decision , however benign . " I 'm just saying , Evie , what do we have on us to fight a ghost if one appears ? What if one of your spirits actually shows up ? " " I 'm sorry , who was it again that was trying to convince me that we had to live in this current moment and to move forward ? I think that was you . " " I know , but that was back in the nice , safe train station when you were looking all sad and lost and in need of a strong man to set you straight . I have since given up that role and returned to wise cracking pansy and I feel that I should point out how under prepared we seem to be . " Evelyn ignored him . As soon as the line , " strong man " came out of Finian 's mouth it was meant to be describing him she knew that anything else he said would be utter nonsense . Truthfully the majority of Finian 's words were utter nonsense . This made gaining any real insight from the things he said very difficult . You had to wade through a whole sea of absurdities just to fine the one nugget to truth . For Evelyn that was too much effort at the moment . They arrived at Alice King 's house and every sense set off alarms that Finian 's nonsense was much more logical than either of them wanted to give it credit for . The house was ripped out of a forgotten time and thrown slapdash into a well kept neighbourhood like a troll throw into a group shot at the Miss America pageant . The grass was the yellowish green of cast off ear wax and the paint on the house appeared to be pealing away in an attempt to play no part in what the rest of the structure had become . For blocks the two friends had enjoyed the songs of the spring birds on a rather warm day but but as soon as they arrived in front of Alice King 's they were met with a chilly , deafening silence . Finian 's mind was made up the moment he realisedShare this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Finian stood alone at the train station , watching the endless crowd of people come and go with his imagination running in overdrive . A mother and her two daughters marched past him with purpose and determination , the small girls pulling character suitcases on wheels , and Finian decided that this was a mother vampire and her two sucklings . They carried blood packets in their suitcases and they were off to visit Dracula in Transylvania . A man in a black suit with a black bowler hat was the owner / operator of the world 's largest poodle farm and he was taking a trip to West Whateverville to purchase the largest puce poodle in the Northern Hemisphere . This prized overgrown cotton ball with eyes was worth more than all the bananas in Antarctica and he would not go living another day without her . The stories went on and on . Finian could never get enough of people watching . Lost in his own little world Finian never saw Evelyn coming . She came up from behind him and placed her hand on his shoulder , resulting in a near ear splitting scream . Finian was not known for his bravery . " Finn , it 's me , calm down . " Finian turned back to face Evelyn , his chest heaving and his hands on his hips like he had just run a great distance . " Yeah , I know . I was just giving off that war cry thing that they do in martial arts . " Evelyn stared back at him blank faced . " You know , the shout before they kill you , or while they are killing you . I was never clear on that part actually . " " Are you talking about ' Kiai ' ? " " Yep , that 's it . I was letting off my ki thingie . . I hope I didn 't scare you . " " You didn 't . " Evelyn said with a total lack of emotion . " Right . Good . So , what took you so long ? " Evelyn did not respond . Instead she turned toward the schedule board to begin looking over the train times . Finian could feel that Evelyn 's mind was somewhere else as he attempted to read her expression . He usually tried not to make a habit of looking too hard at Evelyn because he knew he ran the risk of being caught staring . Looking at her was dangerous , like staring into the sun . As she brushed her short black hair out of her eyes though he could see they were puffy . She had been crying recently . Finian also noticed that she did not have the books she had gone to get from home . He put two and two together and decided it was best not to ask what was wrong . He knew the answer already . " It looks like we only have about five minutes until the train , we should get moving . " She turned back and Finian was caught doing just what he had been trying to avoid being caught doing . He panicked and just kept staring . Her hazel eyes boring a hole in his face , he could feel his eyes getting wider . Crippled with indecision he nodded his head quickly . " Yeah , I got the tickets already . No problem . " She raised one eyebrow and cocked her head , a strand of red that was streaked through her hair falling back into her eyes . She looked sad . If Finian did not know her better he would have said she looked defeated as well . He really wanted to know what had been said between her and her parents but asking would be bad tact . The best he could do was smile and pretend he knew nothing . That was one thing Finian was an expert at . " Shall we go ? " he said , looking around to see if he was leaving anything behind even though he had been standing there holding all his worldly possessions from the moment he came into the station . Finian never put his belongings down . He was too paranoid . " Yes , let 's , " Evelyn said , taking a deep breath and sounding a bit more like the girl Finian knew but still not quite right . This made Finian nervous . They would need her if they were going to get anytOthersiders : Arts of the Necromancer - Pt . 3 Posted on December 23 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Evelyn knew there was going to be trouble the moment she walked into the house . She had gone home to collect a few books she needed before heading off to meet Alice King only to find her father sitting in his chair with his chin resting on his laced fingers . This was Paul Stone 's introspective pose and it always meant it was time for a talk . The last thing Evelyn wanted to do right then was fight with her father . She loved her father . She loved him so much that it hurt . It hurt her to think that the strongest , smartest man she had ever known was denying that his own son had ever existed . It hurt even more that he was treating Evelyn as if she were abnormal for not doing the same . The thing that hurt the most though was knowing that he knew the truth and seeing how straight faced he could lie to her . Evelyn knew in the depth of her heart that the lying was tearing him apart and could never understand why he refused to relent . Her father was stubborn , just like her , and their prides were about to force them to say more things they would regret . " Evelyn , " he began and she could hear the heavy weight he was carrying in his voice . He was tired . Fighting with the only person next to his wife who he treasured most in life was taking the fire out of him . " I need to speak with you for a moment . " Evelyn stood in the entryway , torn . She could engage him here and get it over with or try to ignore the seriousness of his face and proceed upstairs . He would follow her and still say whatever he was going to say , making the attempt to avoid the fight futile , but at least she could change the venue and possibly tip the balance of power . These little tactics were below her though . She was not a coward . Evelyn stepped into the living room and crossed her arms under her breasts . " Okay , what 's up ? " " I got a call from your school today . Your class counsellor is a bit worried about you . " " Why ? I haven ' tEvelyn had been careful never to bring Finian around the house because she knew how her parents would react . They would look at him and see a crazy kid come to support her in her wild ideas , making her so - called , ' problem ' , worse . She would not allow her parents to belittle Finian 's pain . They did that enough to her . " What is wrong with my friends , dad ? " Evelyn said in a tone that was meant to sound innocent but came off entirely too sarcastic . She had been spending way too much time with Finian . " I think you know what the problem is , Evelyn . " " No , I don 't , dad . You were the one that wanted to have a talk , so why don 't you stop beating around the bush and talk . " Paul sighed . He closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " Who is Finian Kelley ? " Evelyn flexed the muscles in her jaw . She knew this was coming but it still made her so angry . Angry at her counsellor for butting into something that was none of her business , angry at her father for what she knew he was about to tell her , and mostly angry at herself for not being more careful about how and when she met up with Finian . She was sure that Finian would be getting a call to his counsellor as well and Evelyn hated thinking that she put that burden on him . " He is a new boy at school . " Evelyn knew what answer her father wanted and had purposefully avoided giving it to him . She immediately hated herself being such a coward . it made her feel like she was playing the same game as her father so she quickly added , " he 's my friend . " " I see , " her father replied . His voice sounded completely defeated . " When did you become friends with this Finian ? Before or after you learned that he has a wild fantasy about a family that never existed ? " Evelyn herself could not have predicted how furious what her father had just said would make her . She had been preparing herself for the worst but it was not enough . Finian was not there to defend himself and she would not let anyone speak that way about her friend . " How dare you ! You don 't even know him and you have the audacity to say something like that ? How could you possibly know what he 's been through ? What evidence do you have that he 's not telling the truth . What the hell do you know ! " Evelyn shouted the last sentence so loudly that it brought her mother into the room . " Is everything okay in here ? " she asked . Airi , Evelyn 's mother , had a slow , calm way of speaking that always brought tempers down from a flare . Evelyn had not realised in her passion that she had moved closer to her father . She was pointing at him , her finger shaking with rage , and she stepped back quickly when her mother entered the room . " Yes , everything is fine . " " It 's not fine , Evelyn . I don 't want you hanging around that boy . " Paul said in a flat tone as he rose from the chair . " You are not to see Finian Kelley again . I will say this only once . " Evelyn laughed . That is what she usually did when someone threatened her . Her father never could get it through his head that she was his daughter . She was just like him - strong , stubborn and spirited . They were both mustangs . The more you tried to control them the more they kicked . Telling her never to see Finian again was only going to assure she never missed an opportunity to be around him . " And I will say this only once , Paul . " Evelyn put all the emphasis she could on his name . She wanted him to know that he was not being her father just then . She wanted to make him finally see what he was becoming . " You are never going to tell me who I canShe could not bear to turn and face him . She knew he was crying too . " Do you really need to ask that question ? " " I am trying to understand , Evie . I want to know what is going on with you . I want to understand why you won 't let this strange fantasy of yours go , but I can 't do this anymore . Why can 't you see that I am not trying to hurt you , Evelyn . I am trying to help you . " Evelyn was so filled with hurt and fear and anger that she could not find words at first . He had called it a fantasy again . He had called it a fantasy so many times that she could feel herself almost starting to question if it just might be . He was wearing her down . She had to fight it . For Akira 's sake , she had to fight it . Evelyn spun and faced her father , ripping her arm from his grasp . " Let me ask you a question then , dad . " " Anything . " " Do you love me ? " It was a simple question but the implication of it made Paul start . " Of course I love you , Evelyn . I love you more than anything in this world . " " For how long ? " Paul drew his eyebrows together and shook his head . " I don 't understand what you mean . How long have I loved you ? Since the moment you were born . " " No . I want to know for how long you would have kept on loving me if it had been me they took instead of Akira . How long would it take for me to be a stupid fantasy . How long would you care ? " The shock in Paul 's face was indescribable . His mouth hung open and his lip began to quiver . " These are the thoughts that I have to live with . Looking in your eyes and knowing you have given up on him . " Evelyn 's voice caught and she had to swallow before she could finish . " Knowing that you would give up on me . Knowing that you wouldn 't fight . " " I would tear the world apart to find you , Evie , you have to believe that , " Paul said , grabbing her by both arms and pulling her to his chest . She let him hug her for a moment but she felt nothing but sorrow . Every fight they had brought them one step closer to a completely broken relationship . Evelyn feared that even if she was able to bring Akira back and put her family right , she and her father would never be the same . " I wish I could believe that , " she said , pushing away . " But I don 't trust you anymore . " Evelyn turned away again slowly and walked out the door . She left Paul standing in the entryway with a look of numb shock on his face . The silence she left in the house was oppressive enough to be considered painful and Paul was rooted to the spot where Evelyn had cut him down . Airi approached him and folded herself into his chest . She wrapped her arms around him and tried to be what comfort she could . " How long must it go on like this ? Will this ever end ? " Paul said nothing . He had not words left . Evelyn had taken more from him with her words than she could ever have imagined . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Posted on December 21 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy Libraries are temples of knowledge . They are palaces of silence and concentration where seekers come with questions and leave with answers . The books contained within any library represent the life work of the very wise and the very creative . Children are taught from a young age to respect the silence maintained in the library because , as anyone should know , deep thinking is taking place there . A person who would raise their voice in a library was surely reared in a barn of some sort and deserves to be punished severely . " I found something ! " Finian Kelley shouted and the echoes of his voice boomed in that hallowed place . " Finn , lower your voice . We are in the library . " The look in Evelyn 's eye said there would be pain if he did not comply . " Yeah , okay , I 'll whisper , " he said in a slightly lower tone but nowhere near an actual whisper . " This is really great though , Evie . I found just the person we have been looking for ! " Over the course of the past several weeks Finian and Evelyn had been digging around to find a link to the spirits Evelyn held responsible for the disappearances of their loved ones . When they began their search they looked for any and all traces of supernatural occurrences . Their initial research brought back results that were so widespread and numerous that Evelyn was spending nights on end reading through books . It was Finian that came up with a solution . " We don 't need any old ghost story or rumours of hauntings . What we need are cases of delusional people who believe someone has been abducted that no one can account for . If we try and hunt down every single ghost story on Earth we will be reading books forever . Any by we I mean you , " he said offhandedly . " That is not to say that I don 't like reading but I like sleeping a lot more and reading what you want me to read would prevent me from doing so . " " Let me guess , too many big words . " Evelyn had said with tired look . " No , actually . I like big words . It 's the abundance of master level ghost stories that often leave me in need of a nightlight I cannot stand . Did you know that they make clap on , clap off nightlights now ? Who knew nighttime could be so fun ? " Finian had thus set them on a more manageable course and the two of them began tackling the odd world of delusional abduction cases . Neither were surprised to find that the largest number of cases fitting this description originated in Nevada . They both quickly agreed that those cases were not worth looking into . As willing as Evelyn was to believe in spirit abduction she wanted nothing to do with the , ' little green men poked me in the no - no zone , ' crowd . Finian passed Evelyn some newspaper clippings and began to read over the notes he had made . " According to the report this woman … " " Alice King . " " Yeah , her . She claims to have had a son that was abducted years ago by what she described as … " Finian began flipping through pages , “… a blue spectral being who radiated heat like the sun and smelled of elderberries . " Finian stopped and looked up at Evelyn . " What the hell is an elderberry ? " " They look like blackberries and the grow in the warm parts of North America and Great Britain . I wouldn 't worry about that part though . So she claims her son was abducted and she is definitely a bit off , how does this make her perfect ? " " Ah , right , " Finian continued , his voice still carrying all about the library . " I forgot about the best part . So she has this photo album set , right ? She has pictures of her with this child over a whole decade . The kid was ten when he disappeared , if you believe he existed , and she has all these pictures of her with him . Pictures of him as a baby , pictures of him at the zoo , probably a few of those choice pictures that all parents take of their children just to show other people when they grow up so that we have a full appreciation of the word , ' shame , ' as well . " Evelyn had an introspective look on her face and Finian decided to elaborate . " You know what I 'm talking about , right ? The bathtub pictures where mom and dad get the full butt shot that they feel obliged to show the first boyfriend who ever shows up at the house to ? Boys usually have the old hot dog sale pictures as well but I didn 't mind so much when mom and dad showed that one off . I 've been selling foot longs for a while , if you know what I mean . " Evelyn sighed and went back to her reading . " Pictures can be faked Finn . " " If you don 't want to believe the pictures lady I can unleash the fury right here ! " " Finn , you drop your pants and I drop you . I am not talking about your childhood pornography . I am talking about Alice King . " It 's a Spam sandwich . I don 't know why that popped into my head . I don 't even like Spam , and I 'm a bottom feeder . " " Finn , " Evelyn paused and Finian knew what was coming . " Shut it . " This was something he heard at least five times a day . His constant running off at the mouth usually ended in him being told to , ' shut it , ' but he never could manage to do what he was told . " Yeah , no problem . I 'll just be quiet . " Evelyn looked down at the papers that Finian had brought and she was hit by a flash of deja vu . She knew Alice King . The woman staring back at her in the paper was someone she had met before . Evelyn had seen her somewhere before but she could not remember where . It had been at some kind of party and the woman had looked much happier then . Who was she ? Finian began drumming out a beat into the desk and Evelyn gave him a death stare that sent his hands into the air like a surrendering criminal . He made it so impossibly hard to concentrate . Evelyn needed to focus to remember where she had seen this woman before and Finian had just chased off the loose thread she was grasping for . " Hey , what 's it gonna hurt if we go out and give old batty five minutes to spew her crazy all over us ? It 's not like we 're going to catch it from her . We already have it . Besides , maybe she can hem some of the rips you have put in my clothes . " Evelyn sat up straight and her eyes shot open . That was it . Alice King was a seamstress . She fixed clothes for a living . Evelyn 's parents had hosted a party in celebration of her mother completing her doctoral dissertation and they had needed a seamstress to fix her dress . Alice King had been in Evelyn 's house . " My parents know this woman . " Finian looked as if he had been slapped . " What are you talking about ? " " She has been in my house . I have met this woman . She 's a friend of my father 's from University , if my memory serves me right . " Evelyn 's memory was impeccable and she knew it was not tricking her now . Alice King had come to her house to fix the dress as a favour to Evelyn 's father . Alice had spoken with Evelyn about Alice 's son and said that she wanted to bring him by sometime so that they could become friends . " She wanted me to be friends with her son . I remember her ! " " Okay . I guess I shouldn 't be surprised that your family befriends whack jobs but this jumps ole Alice here up a few notches on the list of people I don 't want to have hiding in my closet eating ice cream . " " Who would you want hiding in your closet eating ice cream ? " " Scarlett Johansen , for starters . I have a whole list . Would you like it alphabetically or … " " Finn , " Evelyn growled . " Shut it . " " Yep . " Alice King was the perfect place to start and Finian had found a way in all his rambling to help Evelyn remember why she was important . He had also been the one to come up with the plan for narrowing their search . As much as Evelyn hated to admit it , Finian was a good companion . He served as a counterweight to her because he was definitely opposite of her in almost every way . Finian was loud , sarcastic , ridiculous in every way imaginable and completely lacking in the backbone department but Evelyn knew then , just as she had known when she first met him , that this boy was going to help her find her brother . He was a part of her world now , whether he liked it or not . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 1 Comment Posted on December 20 , 2015 by Jonathan James Olivier under Fiction , Othersiders Series , Young Adult SF / Fantasy I grew up in a wonderful place with a loving family . I had a brother and a sister that I loved with all my heart and a mother and father who were caring an supportive of me in every way . I went to a nice school , had many friends , and got to experience all that life has to offer a young man still learning about the world . I had a perfect life . At least , I think I did . I have learned over the last year that what you think you know and what is true are not always the same thing . What I believe of my past is all strawberries and sunshine . The truth is more like haggis and hurricane betty . Neither of which are good for digestion , for different reasons of course . My life now is a walking nightmare . That much I am absolutely certain of . My parents are gone and so are my brother and sister . There is a long tale that goes along with that but for now let is suffice to say that my psychiatrist tells me they never existed . Señorita Rosquilla , as I have affectionally styled my shrink , should be the poster girl for processed sugar products . Little Debbie needs to step aside . I wish I could disappear her in that same magic la - la land my family supposedly has been lost to but unfortunately I think she is far too fat to be sucked into the blackest of black holes . Such is the sad fate of my life . I am told that I have created a fantasy world where I had the ideal family to compensate for the crappy life I have now . I don 't disagree with the ' crappy life now ' part , but the rest is absolute rubbish . I did not make up my family . They existed and I am dead set on proving it . That is my goal now . It is my only goal . Homework be damned ! Okay , that last part serves a dual purpose but let 's not focus on that right now . For the longest time I had no vent for my frustration , no place to put all my confusion and anger over the entire world 's insistence on telling me that my family was just a dream . Then I met Evie . The day I saw her my whole world turned upside down . That was mainly because I was staring at her with my mouth open like she was a box full of Big Macs and I was a recent parolee from fat camp . The drool was probably not helping my cause , but that is still neither her nor there . Either way , Evie flipped my bony frame over and gave me a rather gentle lecture , for her at least , on why staring is considered rude . I say ' for her ' because I have come to learn how extremely painful Evie 's lectures can be . Evie , or Evelyn if you are a teacher , or her dad , or some other official sounding person who does not like abbreviating names , or you are God and have thus decreed that be thine creature 's name and thou shalt callest thine creature thus or thou shalt be struck by the holiest of lightning … I lost my train of thought . Oh , yes , Evelyn . She is a Jiu Jitsu master and the head of the cheerleading squad . An odd combination to say the least but being the most popular girl in school and someone who could wipe the floor with any member of the student body , male or female , no one has ever thought to comment outside of , " Wow , you 're pretty . " Even that can get you punched at times . On the same day that Evie decided I needed a small lesson in manners she came to find me after school . I was ready for her this time and whipped out my brass knuckles . I was going to lay her out , Mike Tyson style , when compassion overtook me and I let her live . I swear that is what happened . Whatever else you may hear I did not see her and start running for my life like a zebra who somehow escaped the most terrifying lioness the Sahara had ever spat out only to be tracked back down by the same said lioness . There may have been urine . Again , stop focusing on the unimportant parts . Evie finally caught me and threw me to the ground in a heap ofI looked into Evie 's hazel eyes and told her the truth . She looked back into my blue ones and believed me . The shock was such that I put on that same face she so disliked from earlier on in the day and I was nearly given a refresher course . Thankfully I got my mouth shut quick enough for her to huff it off . Evie explained to me then that she had experienced something similar . She had had a little brother who she loved intensely . Then one day she woke up and he was gone . Everyone tried to pretend like he had never existed but Evie knew better . She would not be lied to . Sadly Evie had suffered an almost never - ending series of set backs in her attempts at discovering the truth about her brother . Her parents had started off gently with her , trying their best to understand why she was making up such a wild fantasy . When she persisted they made her go and see Señorita Rosquilla as well and that has oddly become another in the long list of things that tie Evie and my fates together . Who knew the skinny , brainy boy who most people think is some kind of poltergeist and / or foster parent killer would have so much in common with the Amazonian Princess of the total hotness ? Life can be funny . Life is funny . Almost every moment of the day life is a gas if you choose to see it that way . Most people do not not , however , and that is really sad . Talking with Evie I learned that she had traveled much further down the track of finding an answer than I would have even thought to go and she believes she has found the key to finding her brother . She is also convinced that , if she is correct , it will lead to finding my family too . Evie says it was sprits that took our families . Ghosts . Spectres . Spooks . She says it with much more convincing style . I could not convince a starving man to eat the most delicious apple on earth . This is another reason why Evie and I make such a great pair . Evie has done a lot of research and says that there are ghosts everywhere . She claims that all humans have a spirit and that when we die our spirits move on to fulfil some other role in the world . Reincarnation is the term for it I guess but she also believes that , just like there are bad humans , there are bad spirits and they come back as all the negative things that exist in the world . Evie thinks that there is a place between living and dying and that the good spirits and the bad spirits are fighting there over the balance of the world and if the bad spirits take enough of the good spirits into their own little prison then humanity will plummet into total chaos and darkness . Evie claims that this is why humanity is continuing to lose its spark . She says this is why people can seem so mean and heartless at times . So my family was taken because we were too bright . We were a happy family and the darkness needed to put us out . I just cannot figure out why they left me behind though . Oh , wait , yes I can . Again , you really need to lay off the unimportant details and let me tell the story . Evie 's brother was taken because , according to Evie , he was the final piece in her family 's puzzle . As a whole they were the perfect family . Mom , dad , Evie and little brother . Four wonderful , beautiful people . Taking one out made the puzzle incomplete . The question that burns Evie and I both is why are we the only ones that remember ? How is it that everyone else has simply forgotten ? Evie believes we have to answer that question first and then everything else will fall into place . Her plan of attack is , well , insane . We go ghost hunting in our free time . That , interestingly enough , is one of the few times I have not been joking since I started this rant . We hunt ghosts . LikPlease do not tell her I said that . I like all my parts where they are . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . 3 Comments
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All rights reserve . Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above , no part of this publication may be reproduced , stored in or introduced into retrieval system , or transmitted , in any form , or by any means ( electronic , mechanical , photocopying , recording , or otherwise ) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book . This is a work of fiction . Names , characters , places , brands , media , and incidents are either the products of the author 's imagination or are used fictitiously . The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction , which have been used without permission . The publication / use of these trademarks is not authorized , associated with , or sponsored by the trademark owners . Dedication I heard the door behind me open and close , and I glanced up to make sure it wasn 't a customer . No , it was just my partner coming back with a bag that I was sure contained something greasy and delicious from the burger place across the street . The backwards reflection of our names on the door , Pollard & Guillory , made a shadow on the wall in front of me , and I took a few moments to stare at it . I still marveled a little from time to time that I 'd actually done it . I 'd retired from the force and decided to become a private investigator . With a sigh , I lowered my head again and continued hunting and pecking on the laptop in front of me . I figured I was probably one of the slowest typist in all of history . But who the hell cared ? Time was mine now , and I could waste it however I wanted . " What are you doing there , Bob ? Christmas cards ? " I only grunted , glanced at my address book , then back at the computer screen . " Bit late for that , isn 't it ? Christmas is tomorrow . " My officemate leaned over my shoulder and peered at the screen . " Please don 't tell me you 're typing labels for those ? What kind of Christmas spirit is that ? " I narrowed my eyes at him . " It 's the day before Christmas , and I 'm just now getting these in the mail . They 're lucky they 're getting anything from me anyway . " " Bob , seriously , you need a wife . I mean , I never have to worry about stuff like this . Claire takes care of all of it for me . " Continuing to type , I made a grunting sound in the back of my throat . Pollard sat his ass onto the edge of the table and opened the paper sack he 'd been holding , unwrapping his burger and taking a huge bite . Still chewing , he added , " You should ask Eva to marry you . " " I 've been married . Once was enough . " I shot him the " cold , dead look " and hoped he would drop the subject . My first wife had termed that phrase early on in our marriage . She 'd started it as a funny endearment . In the end , she wished I was dead . " Bob , first marriages suck . It 's just the way it is . But second marriages . Man , that 's the ticket . But you shouldn 't wait too long . Time 's tickin ' away . " He pursed his lips and rolled his eyes at me , then turned to the mini - fridge and grabbed a diet soda . I grabbed my labels off the printer , then sat down to get them ready to go in the mail . When the phone rang , I ignored it . Pollard was closer , and I was busy . He didn 't seem in any hurry to grab the cordless receiver from its cradle . " Pollard and Guillory . Well , merry Christmas to you , too , Eva ! How the hell are things at the department ? You on duty tonight ? " I didn 't pause in labeling my envelopes , but my attention was drawn to the caller on the other end of the phone . Eva Lipton was a detective sergeant at the station from which I 'd retired . The truth was , we 'd gone out for coffee a few times since I turned in my badge . I knew she would have liked to try for something serious , but I was pretty much terrified of commitment after the way my first marriage had ended . Even after fourteen years . Still , Eva was an attractive woman with a particularly incredible rack that I 'd admired since the day she joined up . In those early days , she 'd worn her hair cut short in a sort of bob . Now her thick raven locks were long and wavy , trailing almost to her ass when she wore them in a ponytail at the nape of her neck . That seemed to make her even sexier . " Guillory ! Wake up , man . It 's for you . " He set the phone onto the table and shoved , sliding it in my direction . I raised my hand and shot him the bird , then picked up the phone . " Hey , Lipton , what 's up ? " " You on a case at the moment ? " There was something about her voice that made my blood heat up . Not just in this moment , but any time the woman breathed two words to me . " Nah , pretty quiet around here . " " Well . " She shifted the phone around . " I 'm on my way St . Paul 's , and I wondered if you have time to come down here . " " To church ? " I 'm ashamed to say I strangled a little on the word . I hadn 't been to church since … I hadn 't been in a long time . " It 's a robbery call , but there 's someone there who asked for you . " I snorted a laugh , hoping she hadn 't heard me . " Nah , he 's alive and well . Retired from the force just after your case . " Another pause , and I could just about imagine her thoughts . She was wondering whether Guillory had been pushed out of law enforcement because of her . He hadn 't , but to admit that would require more of an explanation than I thought it was my right to give . Only a handful of people knew the story about what Guillory had done for her . It had all begun over two years ago , when Sheffield 's best friend , Justine Taggart , had gone to prison . Taggart 's infant daughter was placed into her parents ' custody , despite Justine 's allegations that her father had sexually molested her . Sheffield had hatched a crazy scheme to kidnap the baby and then fake their deaths to throw the cops of their trail . But Guillory had a sixth sense about things , and he knew they weren 't dead . So he 'd kept searching . And the same intuition that told him they hadn 't died also warned him that there was more to Sheffield 's story than met the eye . He 'd eventually enlisted his friend Johnny Pollard to help him . The investigator had tracked down Taggart 's long - lost sister . So when Guillory had finally found and arrested Hope Sheffield , he also had a name , address and phone number for the only witness who could possibly help her get out of the hefty charges she was facing . And he 'd handed that information over to her attorney . If not for Robert Guillory , Hope Sheffield would be calling from the Texas Department of Corrections instead of St . Paul 's Cathedral . " So what can we do to help you , Ms . Sheffield ? " " Yes , we 're in town for the holidays , and we were here for Mass . But there 's been a theft , and I was hoping Officer Guillory might be able to help . It 's not a big thing , at least not in monetary value . But it 's something that means a lot to the church . " " Well , you 're in luck , Mrs . Rawley . You 've reached us in a moment of calm before the storm . I 'll be right down there . " The church was adorned in colors of red , green and yellow in honor of the coming holiday . Banners hung from the pillars , each bearing different names for the God - child come to earth . Oh , Emmanuel . Oh , Yeshua . Oh , Wisdom . There were strings or greenery adorning all of the windows , and as I approached the altar area of the church , I saw a man and woman standing in front of a large Nativity scene . My heels clicked on the floor , and two pairs of eyes turned to me . " Detective Lipton , thank you so much for coming . " The priest smiled , putting his hand out to me . I shook it , inclining my head . " I 'm Father Andrew Bertaut . I believe you know Mrs . Rawley . " Sheffield looked different than the last time I 'd seen her . She 'd been very pregnant , and her hair had been dyed . And she 'd looked pretty terrified by her situation , too , though who wouldn 't have been with the type of charges she 'd faced . Now , however , she had a poised strength about her that was unmistakable . " I wouldn 't say we know each other . " She shook my hand . " If you 'll step right over here , Detective . " I followed Father Bertaut towards the scene of the birth of Christ . The pieces were large ; the figures that were standing were nearly three feet tall . Clearly they were old , with the paint chipping and faded . The shepherd standing behind the stature of Mary was missing part of his cane , and one of the Wise Men stood a little off - center because his base had been broken . But the most distinctive thing about the scene wasn 't what was there , but what wasn 't . The infant Jesus was missing . " When did you notice this ? " I asked , crouching low and examining the place where the child should have been . The manger was filled with hay , and I doubted there would be any fingerprints , even if I were to call in a team for forensics . During the call , I 'd been given details about the scene . It was a ninety - dollar duplication of the scene of Bethlehem . Parishioners had taken a collection to purchase it over eighty years ago , and although it was old and worn , it was beloved by the members of the church . They took great care in putting the scene up each year for the celebration of Christ 's birth . " I discovered it just after the six thirty Mass . " Bertaut shrugged , peering down at his feet . " I don 't know . I didn 't look before Mass . But it was there last night . I 'm sure of that . " " Yes , one of the altar boys , Cecil , says he 's sure it was there before . His mother 's supposed to bring him back here to talk to you in just a few minutes . She had to run a quick errand . " " Only a few dollars … " He paused and leaned to the side to look behind me . " We could easily get a new one , but it means a lot to the people . It 's the only Jesus many of them have ever known . It just wouldn 't be the same . " " Well , hello there , " Sheffield exclaimed . I presumed it was Guillory finally arriving , and I turned with a smart comment on the tip of my tongue . That died the moment I looked at him . It had only been a little over three weeks since I 'd seen him . Coffee and bagels three weeks and two days ago to be exact , though who was counting ? Today he had on a pair of loose , well - worn jeans and a black sweat shirt . He was the epitome of casual relaxation . He 'd grown a bit of a beard since that day in the coffee shop , and it suited him . The grey peppered in his hair carried down to the hair on his face , and it made him all the more attractive to me . And then there was the beautiful little golden - haired girl holding his hand as he walked into the door . My heart melted in a very un - police like way . Sheffield bent into a crouching position , putting out her arms . The child 's face split in a huge smile , and she ran to her mother , leaping into her arms . " Ah , here is Cecil now , too , " Father Bertaut remarked , touching my shoulder . I grudgingly turned my eyes from the others to the young altar boy . " Come this way where we can sit down . " I followed Father Bertaut to the sacristy , the room where the priests would change into their vestments for service . He motioned the boy to sit while his mother stood guard right behind him . " Hi , Cecil . " I knelt down to face him . " Thanks so much for coming back around so I could talk to you . Father Bertaut said you saw the stature of the child Jesus this morning after the six thirty service . " " Yes , ma ' am , at least I think I did . I 'm not sure I looked , but I think it was there . " He was a clean - cut kid , about ten years old . There was a spattering of freckles across his face , and his two front teeth looked too big for his face . " If you didn 't look , why do you think it was there ? " He cut his brown eyes back to mine . " Aw , I don 't know why . It 's just a feeling I got . I would have known if Jesus wasn 't there so I think he was . " " I see . " I nodded , with a gentle expression . " And after the six - thirty , did anyone stick around ? After most everyone left the church ? " " Cecil … " Father Bertaut 's tone was chastening , and the boy lowered his eyes , cheeks pink . " Sorry . Mr . Collins was still here . The boys call him Mr . Can Man ' cause he 's always collecting cans to take to the recycle place . Carries ' em around in a big cart sometimes . The name just slipped . " Cecil put his hands out in front of him about twelve inches apart . I glanced up at Father Bertaut , and his brows were pinched together in a serious frown . Thanking Cecil and his mother , I took down their contact information and let them leave . As Father Bertaut and I walked back out into the church , I turned to him . " Do you know Mr . Collins ' full name ? " A sad smile crossed the priests face . " There 's no doubt Mr . Collins has been down on his luck , for many years in fact . But he 's a faithful member . It is very hard to believe . " As we got close to Sheffield and Guillory , his eyes caught mine . He continued watching me even as he opened his mouth , speaking to the woman and her little girl . There were little crinkles at the corners of his eyes , which meant either he was enjoying the conversation or maybe , just maybe , he was glad to see me . He put out his hand to me and I shook it . " Guillory , glad you could come out . " Sheffield laughed , switching her daughter to her other hip . " Let 's hope this one has a happy ending , too . Now come on , Michelle . Let 's go find Daddy and sister . I bet they 're starving . " Tough guys generally avoid emotional situations . I like to think of myself as a tough guy . When Eva called me , I should have known this would prove to be one of those situations . But I 'm a tough guy , and we don 't run , so here I was . I saw Brennan Rawley as soon as I stepped out of the car . He had his younger daughter Melody on his shoulders while he crawled along the ground after Michelle , his adopted daughter . Both girls were screeching and laughing as their daddy made growling sounds and pretended to be a wild animal . I put my hands in my pockets and watched them a moment . Funny to think of where we 'd all been a few years ago . Me searching for Hope Sheffield , now Rawley , with the intention of arresting her for Michelle 's kidnapping . It was a damned good thing I had strong instincts , or it might have been the biggest mistake of my career . When Brennan Rawley noticed me , he grabbed Melody 's legs to hold her , then sat up , a smile playing on his face . " Detective Guillory . Good to see you again . " " You 're not wrong there . We truly appreciate what you did , you know . Back then I could never have foreseen we 'd be where we are now , but it 's such a relief not to be in hiding anymore . " " She 's inside with Officer Lipton and Father Bertaut . There was a statue stolen from the church this morning . A statue of the Christ - child . " " Hmmm . " I chewed on that a minute , bringing my hand up to my new beard and stroking it . " Guess I 'll go on in there and see what 's going . " I shook my head and put my hand out for the little one . She clasped my big finger with a beaming grin . " Nah , she can come along . Besides , I 'm not an officer anymore . I 'm retired . " While I walked with the little one , I had the feeling she was wrapping her little fingers around my heart . Tough guy , eh ? I chided myself . " Well , hello there , " Hope exclaimed as I entered the church . Little Michelle let go of my hand and ran to her momma , letting the woman lift her up into her arms . When Eva turned and looked at me , I was mesmerized by her . Her blue eyes widened as she assessed me from top to bottom . She looked good , even in a plain black pant suit with a very modest button - down beige shirt underneath . I suspected she tried to downplay her feminine traits for the job . When we 'd gone out for coffee , it was usually after she 'd been on duty . She would leave the jacket behind and open up the top few buttons on her shirt . I would testify in a court of law that the hints of sexy tan skin she teased were enough to drive any man wild . So intent was my attention on Eva as she walked away with Father Bertaut that I didn 't realize Hope was moving in close to hug me . She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned in to brush her cheek against mine . " I wanted to go see you after the trial , you know . " She smiled as she stepped back , heaving Michelle up to adjust the girl 's weight . " Van thought it wasn 't a good idea , at least not until my probation was over . Then we moved , and things got so busy . But I wanted you to know how much we appreciated what you did . If not for you … " My grin was sheepish , and my cheeks felt heated . Tough guys don 't blush . " Don 't mention it , Mrs . Rawley . How is Van , anyway ? " Her defense attorney was an out - of - towner , which could have proved bad for Hope . Our local judges didn 't care for big - city Dallas attorney pushing their weight around . But Van had charisma and was impressive in the courtroom . " Oh , well , he and Kay were married earlier this , year you know . " " Lucky SOB . " I shook my head , remembering the attractive blonde attorney he 'd had by his side in the courtroom . She 'd also just happened to be Brennan Rawley 's cousin . " I think he 'd agree with that assessment . " We both turned when we heard footsteps , and my eyes clashed with Eva 's again as she and Father Bertaut approached . I still had a smile on my lips , and it only got a little wider as she headed straight for me . " Guillory , glad you could come out . " Eva slapped her pad against her palm . " We 've got a person of interest , so to speak . Father , do you know where we could find Collins ? Where does he work ? " The padre frowned , slipping his hands into his pockets . " He doesn 't work , not for about a year now . Got hurt in the oil field . The last I heard , he was staying at the men 's house . You know , the one out west of here . " " Thanks , Father , " Eva told him with a smile lovely enough it warmed my insides . " We 'll let you know what we find . C ' mon , Guillory . Might as well put you to work . " I followed her out of the church , then we paused just the other side of the door . She glanced left and stared at my green Jeep a minute , then turned right where her black car was parked . Finally , she pointed at mine . " You want to drive ? " " Hell , yes , I do . " I took the lead and headed to the left . " I make it a point never to be a passenger where a woman 's behind the wheel . " I waited for her to get into the passenger seat and buckle her seat belt . I made a point of adjusting the mirror so that I could use it to take a few extra seconds to look at her . I wasn 't being a creep about it , either . I knew her top was buttoned up good and I wouldn 't get a glimpse of any cleavage . No , I was watching the way the sunlight was playing on her dark locks and how she chewed her lip when she didn 't think I was watching . " So why am I being brought in on this case , exactly ? I thought I taught you enough you could handle a little petty theft . " She cut her eyes to me and grinned like a cat that ate the canary . " It 's Christmas Eve , Guillory . Any minute I 'm going to get called out on a priority . Baby Jesus needs to be back in his manger before services tonight . " " Ah . " I raised my head and dropped it slowly . " So I get to waste my holiday tracking down a two - bit thief , is that it ? " " Geez , Lipton , you 're such a smartass . Also , that hurts . I do have some cooking skills you know . " Even as the words left my mouth , I remembered the turkey and dressing meal in my freezer . I 'd been saving it especially for tonight . " Well , maybe we 'll get lucky and find our man and the statue of the child in time , and then you can put those skills to work and make me some dinner . " So I 'd all but invited myself over to his apartment . The pregnant pause after I 'd said the words made me nervous . But he was driving so I told myself that maybe he was just concentrating on his direction of travel . It wasn 't that the man wasn 't attracted to me . He totally was . And I 'm not being a narcissist about it , either . There were plenty of men out there who didn 't want me , but Robert Guillory wasn 't one of them . Countless times , I 'd seen his eyes linger on my boobs . I 'd even caught him in the coffee shop window watching my ass as I walked ahead of him . But it wasn 't just attraction . There was some mutual comfort we shared . In those times we 'd met outside of work , we 'd connected . When he 'd stared into my eyes as I 'd talked about my big family down in South Texas , he wasn 't just listening , he was absorbing . And the day he 'd told me about how awful his marriage had been and how it ended , I knew he 'd shared something he didn 't tell a lot of people . But for some reason , the guy was fighting these feelings every step of the way . I was tired of waiting . I was ready to progress things to the next level . The call today from Hope Sheffield Rawley was the excuse I 'd been looking for to call him . " You do know that we 're never going to find baby Jesus in time for Christmas , right ? I mean , even if this guy Collins took it , he hocked it somewhere . By the time we find him , haul him in and get him to cough his guts up , the pawn shops are going to be closed . " He mumbled something that sounded a lot like a curse , then put his foot on the gas to ensure he made the light up ahead of us . I glanced at the speedometer and side - eyed him . " Also , I am on the job , you know . You 're speeding . " The men 's home , formerly the old Salvation Army shelter , was a rundown building that had seen better days . When Guillory swung the door open , it squealed in protest . Inside was in a similar state of disrepair , but there were Christmas decorations everywhere . Greenery followed the bannister up to the second floor , and a tree about seven feet tall stood in the foyer . There were men 's voices singing off - key holiday songs coming from an anteroom to the right of the front desk . " Hiya . " The balding man there greeted us , reaching to push his glasses up on his face . " What can I do for you two ? " " We 're looking for Douglas Collins . Does he stay here ? " Guillory asked , leaned against the desk and scanning the room instead of making eye contact with the guy . " Yeah , he sure does . You friends of his ? " " Well , we put on a Christmas program every Christmas Eve . Doug plays the piano for us . The guys are in there practicing right now , but they 'll sound really good tonight when he plays with them . " " No , sir . I don 't have no idea . We don 't keep tabs on the guys . This ain 't a halfway house . " When I looked again , I saw that Guillory was giving him the cold , dead look . It was something that was almost mythical to the people on the force . It always seemed to break a perp down . The front desk fellow was looking really nervous about now . " Really , I don 't know where he is . I hope he 's not in any trouble , though . " I approached them again , putting my hands into my jacket pockets as I waited for the guy to answer Guillory 's question . " Well , he had some hard times . All the guys have . He did some time , I think . Something about breaking into houses or something . But that was a long time ago . " We left my card with the guy after he gave us a few leads on where we might find Collins . After grabbing some coffee , Guillory and I started searching . Hours passed and though lots of people knew Collins , no one seemed to know where he was . I was feeling pretty dejected when my cell phone rang . " Lipton here . " I could see the way Eva 's expression fell that the call wasn 't the one she wanted . Her eyes got that disappointing look a kid gets on Christmas when there aren 't any more presents to open . She walked away from me , juggling her phone against her shoulder while she took notes on her pad . When she walked back , it was with a sad smile . " I 'm guessing you 've got to run . " I considered that while we approached my Jeep . Finally , I shook my head , " How about I drop you off at your car and then keeping looking for Collins ? Maybe I 'll turn up with something . " I wanted to smack her . No , I wanted to kiss her . That would shut her up . Instead , I turned on the ignition and drove her back to the church . After she got out , I leaned over with my arm on the passenger seat and watched as she walked to her car . She had a very shapely backside , and I couldn 't help but admire it . When she dropped her keys and bent over to pick them up , I groaned . Keeping her at arm 's length was getting harder and harder . Literally . She drove off , and I went on searching . But an hour and a half later , I was no closer to finding Douglas Collins than Eva and I had been together . I stopped at a burger place and grabbed a meal , mulling things over as I stuffed fries into my face . When my cell rang , I answered it on speaker phone . " Herwo . " My mouth was still full . " Let me guess . Burger , French fries and a Dr . Pepper . " I started the engine and hit the road . I was about ten miles from the men 's home , which would be about fifteen minutes under most circumstances . I glanced at the dashboard clock . 7 : 17 . I vowed to be there by 7 : 27 . My Jeep pulled into a parking space up front just seconds before Lipton 's drove up beside me . The clock read 7 : 25 , and I laughed as I turned to gaze at her . Her eyes were narrowed , and there was an annoyed smirk on her face . I wanted to rub my thumb across those drawn lips just before claiming them with mine . I was so caught up in those thoughts that I didn 't even realize she 'd exited her car and walked up to my window until she rapped her knuckles on the glass . " You coming or what , Guillory ? " Douglas Collins was a simple looking man of fifty - four , though he looked at least sixty - five . He was sitting in the lobby area , a newspaper open in front of him . His pants were tattered at the hem , and his socks were both dark , though one had more of a black tint than blue like the other . He had almost no hair left on his head , but what he did have was combed straight back . I knew his exact age because Eva had handed me his rap sheet before I followed her into the men 's home . He 'd had five charges of theft and burglary , only two of them convictions . In total , he 'd served about four years in prison . But all of that had been nearly ten years before . Had he gone back to his old ways ? " Mr . Collins , can you tell us what you did today ? " Eva asked , after introducing herself to him . She stood over him , probably to appear as imposing as possible . " I was around . " He folded his arms over his chest , hugging himself as if seeking protection . " C ' mon , Collins . " I shouldered into his line of sight where I could be a damn sight more imposing than Eva . He reached up a shaky hand and rubbed it over his face , pursing his lips and refusing to say anything . " Did you go Christmas shopping ? " His eyes made a darting motion back and forth , and the muscle at his temple twitched . Still , he didn 't speak a work . " I understand you aren 't working anymore , Mr . Collins ? What did you do for a living ? " " You know so much , " he huffed , turning to the side to avoid looking at us . I cocked my head at Eva , frowning like a bear . She took a deep breath and nodded her head up and down . " Okay , Mr . Collins . Let 's go down to the station so we can talk . " " She 's not arresting you , " I told him . " But we need some answers , and you don 't seem to want to give us any here . Maybe you 'll be more willing to talk downtown . " He was shaking his head , though the movement was small enough it looked more like a shudder . " I don 't know how to tell you . How to say it . " Eva and I both took a step back , and she gently motioned for him to sit again . He did , holding his knees in and then wrapping one arm about his middle . As I watched him , I knew instantly we were barking up the wrong tree . Whatever it was that Collins was afraid of , it wasn 't anything to do with a stolen baby Jesus . " Jimmy said I could borrow it , " he told us , licking his lips and looking out behind us where his friends were starting to gather for the men 's home Christmas party . " He said if I needed it to come tell him . " " He didn 't answer the door . I just needed to borrow it a little while . They were selling bags of those specialty nuts down at Market Street . Two for one . You know the ones . Cinnamon and sugar or some with honey . The guys here all like those nuts . I didn 't want to miss the deal , so I took it . The keys were in it . " " A car ? " I blurted , starting to make a little sense of what he was saying . " I don 't have a lot of cash . But I like to give the guys all something . Two for one , so … " Eva dropped her head into her hands a moment , then brushed her fingers through her hair . When she looked back at Collins , she leaned in to force his eyes to connect with hers . " Did you bring it back ? Jimmy 's car ? " " Yeah , didn 't he say I did ? I should 've known he 'd call the cops . He was pretty mad I took it without asking . " I was back in Guillory 's car , my mood sour as he drove me back to the church . I 'd made a quick call to the station just to be sure Collins ' friend Jimmy hadn 't actually made a report of car theft . There was nothing , so we let the man get to his Christmas piano playing . He 'd hugged me before rushing to join his friends . My cheeks were still burning from that . It never failed that when I was trying to maintain professional police decorum , some person would hug me and I 'd go all gooey inside . I only hoped Guillory hadn 't noticed it . Now we were sitting in the parking lot , and I could tell he was just as reluctant as I was to break the news to Father Bertaut . Finally he turned to me . " Did I tell you I called some pawn shops ? " My head was down , and I shook it a little , then peered out into the darkness . " I did , too , while I was waiting to interview the guy we picked up at the mall . I guess you had no luck either , huh ? " " Yeah . " He 'd turned to look at me . I met his gaze and got a little uncomfortable . He was staring at me in a funny way , the furrowing of his brow creating dark lines across his forehead in the shadows of the night . " Eva ? " A wide grin spread across my face , and I bit my lips to try to soften it a bit . " I 'm a pretty critical omelet judge . You 'll have to be on you 're A - game if you want to try me out . " " I 'm not worried . I have complete faith in my omelet - making abilities . They are absolutely superb , even if it has been a while since I made one . " We stared at each other for what seemed like minutes , though it was surely no more than seconds . I knew good and well neither of us were talking about omelets anymore . I wanted to lean over and kiss him , to finally taste those lips of his . I wondered about his new beard and how it would feel against the soft skin of my face . " Let 's go talk to Father Bertaut . " Just as I might have made a move , he turned away and exited the car . A curse was on the tip of my tongue , but I just rolled my eyes and followed him inside . There were candles lit all over the huge cathedral , and the smell of incense was heavy . A choir was practicing against the far wall , finalizing holiday hymns before the midnight Mass began in just a few hours . Father Bertaut noticed us as we entered , a kind hint of a smile in his eyes as he inclined his head and motioned that he would be right with us . We waited near the nativity without speaking as the songs of Christmas echoed on the walls of the church . " Thank you for waiting , " Father Bertaut said as he got close . " There always seems to be some last detail as we get ready for these special celebrations . " " We understand , Padre , " Guillory told him , and I thought the way he said the moniker had a tone of reference . The priest glanced at both of us , then to the empty crèche behind us and dropped his head , probably to hide his disappointment . When he brought his eyes up to us again , he sounded resigned . " I knew it was a long shot , to hope you might find the statue of the Christ child before the service . I 'm sorry if you 've wasted your Christmas Eve looking . " " We 're sorry we couldn 't help you , Father , " I said , my chest feeling heavy . " You were right about Collins . He didn 't steal the statue . " " The church truly appreciates your help . " His smile looked so wholesome and true that it hurt my heart a little more . " I 've got a parishioner who 's on standby to bring a replacement for the nativity . A child 's doll , I believe . It 's all about the spirit of the season , anyway , right ? " I opened my mouth to speak , but the sound of the heavy wooden doors of the church opening caught our attention , and all three of us turned in that direction . A man stood there a moment , and I saw him turn back and down where a little girl of about seven peeked around his legs . She had a big backpack which she pulled up on her shoulders , then he motioned to her , and she started down the aisle towards us . The man , her father presumably , followed close behind , his steps slower as he was using a cane . Both the girl and her dad had black hair , though his was cropped very short on the sides and hers hung in thick waves down her back . They were the spitting image of each other . " Mark ! " Father Bertaut exclaimed . " You 're home . We thought you still had several months left on your tour . " " Got an early ticket , Father . Thanks to some shrapnel . " He took hold of the pew beside him for support and tapped on his booted leg with his cane . The priest shook his hand , then glanced down at the little girl and placed his hand gently on her head . " Merry Christmas , Annabelle . " I watched as Annabelle let her bag slide down her arms where she gently took it and opened the zipper . She reached her tiny hands inside and emerged with a bright pink blanket wrapped round the statue of the baby Jesus . Father Bertaut knelt down to her level and waited . Annabelle hugged the statue to her chest , kissed its cheek , then handed it reverently over to the priest . " Where did you find this , Annabelle ? " Tears welled in her big brown eyes , and she looked up at her father . He nodded , then she brought her gaze back to Father Bertaut . " I prayed to baby Jesus , Father . Just like you said . " " I wanted Daddy to come home so we could go see the Christmas lights . Mommy said he wouldn 't get here in time . But I asked Jesus to please let him come early . And I promised that if Daddy took me to see the lights that he could come with us . " The small head went up and down this time . " Good ! It makes Baby Jesus so happy when we learn . And I 'm sure He loved watching the Christmas lights with you . " Then the priest took the little girl in his arms and gave her a big hug . Taking her hand , the two of them walked together to the Nativity , Father Bertaut talking to her in soft tones so that the rest of us could no longer hear . Mark hobbled a little closer to Guillory and I . " We didn 't know she had it until we got home from seeing the lights . I felt so bad for the church that we got in the car as soon as we could to bring it back . " " All 's well that ends well , " Guillory said . The only thing I could do was nod . My own eyes were filled with tears , and I was trying not to break down and cry . For the first time this holiday I was suddenly missing my family . With my schedule , I wouldn 't get to go down South to visit until after New Year . It felt like an eternity right at that moment . Guillory took a few steps to get next to me , then slowly dropped his hand down and took mine . I slipped my fingers between his and squeezed . With a swallow to force away the lump in my throat , I turned to look at him . " Omelets ? " The hubby and I just love to listen to the old dramatic programs from the 40 - 50s on satellite radio . Dragnet is one of our favorites . There are two familiar Christmas programs from that early Dragnet series : one called " A . 22 For Christmas " is a tragic story , and hubby and I have a hard time listening to it because it is so sad . The other , " Big Little Jesus , " makes me cry , too , but in the way that any good holiday story does when it touches your heart . This story is a fanfiction of sorts based on " Big Little Jesus . " If you 'd like to hear to it , click this link to access it on Spotify . " The Big Little Jesus " aired on December 24 , 1953 on television , and according to my research , it is the only Dragnet episode based on a case outside of Los Angeles . This particular case took place in San Francisco . If you 'd like to see rather than listen to the episode , you can see it here on YouTube . Enjoy and Merry Christmas ! It 's funny how things work when you 're a writer . I penned this story , passed it on to my editor , and it wasn 't until I was going through those edits that I realized I knew Father Bertaut ! He is very much the priest who saw me through my childhood . I will always have affection for Father Joseph Daleo 's beautiful temperament , his soft - spoken manner and his patient willingness to teach his flock . When I was probably no more than 8 years old I wrote him a letter because some of my friends weren 't being kind to another girl in our circle . I was having a hard time standing up to the temptation of " following the crowd . " To this day I still carry his response in my bible . His words gave me the strength to stand up to that temptation and even now I lean on them to me to remind me of the lesson of true friendship and discipleship . Thank you , Father Daleo . Of course none of my stories would be what they are without my good friend Tawdra to help me polish them up . And as always thank you to my husband , Danny for being my steadfast support . All for a Little Christmas Former police officer Robert Guillory 's life has changed since he arrested Hope Rawley for kidnapping . Only his closest friends knows about his last case before leaving the force . Eva Lipton is one of those close friends , but she 's been trying to get even closer ever since his retirement . When the chance to work with him on a church theft drops into her lap , she doesn 't hesitate to call on him . Can a little holiday miracle give Eva the Christmas gift she 's been hoping for ?
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Emma was in the bed by the door , oxygen tubing in her nose , an IV attached to her bruised arm . Her eyes were closed . " Oh my God , what happened ? " Jack asked . " Was she in some sort of an accident ? Emma , Sweetheart , can you hear me ? " He took her hand in his . " It 's cold as ice , " he said , rubbing it between his two . Then , he bowed his head and said to no one in particular , " Oh God , what happened to my baby ? " " Oh my poor baby , " he said . " I know how that feels . I fell on a rail in the coal mines one time and dislocated my hip . It was so painful . Do you think she 's in pain ? Emma , are you in pain , Sweetheart ? " he asked . " I 'm going to the desk to find the nurse , Jack , " the driver said . " You sit here with Emma . I 'll be right back . " " Oh my poor Emma , " Jack said . " Why didn 't someone tell me she fell ? When did this happen ? I could have been here with her . " Jack turned back to Emma and took her hand . He rubbed and patted it , watching her face . She opened her eyes and tried to smile at him . The nurse looked at Jack and then at the driver . " I 'm so sorry , " she said , shaking her head . The nurse injected the syringe of medicine into the IV and left the room . " The nurse gave her some pain medication , Jack , " the driver said . " She 'll probably sleep now . I think we should let her rest . " Jack pushed up from the wheelchair with effort . His legs shook , barely holding his weight as he leaned over Emma 's frail body . He stroked her cheek with bent fingers . Putting his face very close to hers , he asked again , " Do you know who this is ? " Emma looked so small and fragile there in the bed with tubes running from her arm and to her nose with oxygen . Her usually neat , coiffed hair was in a tangle on her head and her face was so pale it blended with the white of the pillow case . She looked up at Jack and said again , " Of course I know who you are Jack . " He had turned his good ear to her mouth after he asked the question . " Of course you know who I am , " he said . " I 'm the man who beats you within an inch of your life every day . " Emma smiled . They both chuckled at the long running joke between them . Jack moved his hand to Emma 's shoulder . It was bare where the faded blue and white hospital gown had slipped off . Her shoulder was thin and fit in Jack 's palm . He rubbed her skin before pulling the gown back up . He moved in close again , right over Emma 's face and said , " I need you to get better and come back to me . I miss you . " Emma closed her eyes tightly , then opened them again . She lifted her hand with effort to Jack 's head and smoothed his white hair . She put on a weak smile again and whispered , " I miss you too . " As he had done every night since they were married , Jack kissed her forehead , then , each of her eyelids , and finally , moved to her mouth . Emma lifted her lips to his and they kissed each other three times in succession , gently , with only a breath of sound . " I 'm going now so you can rest , " Jack said . " You behave , no running after good looking doctors . " Emma closed her eyes and shook her head , smiling again at her Jack . " You can always make me laugh Jack , even when I don 't think it 's in me , " she said . Emma came back to the nursing home a few days later , back to room 242 , back to Jack , but with a new diagnosis of bone cancer . Surgery to repair the hip was unsuccessful . Morphine kept her comfortable . She slept most of the time with Jack by her side , holding her hand . His worry was etched in the lines on his forehead . Emma awakened sometimes when he kissed her forehead . She reassured him with her smile . Emma had no appetite and her disinterest in food carried over to Jack . Staff members encouraged him , telling him he needed to keep his strength up for Emma . That afternoon , Jack finally accepted a bowl of his favorite soup . He bowed his head over the bowl and sent up a prayer for his Emma . As he brought the spoon to his mouth , soup spilled onto the front of his starched white shirt . He looked down at the stain , and frowned . As he unbuttoned his shirt , his hands began to shake and tears welled in his eyes . He finished stripping the shirt off and wiped his eyes with it , then threw it to the floor . He wheeled to the closet , pulled out a fresh one , struggled into it , and fastened the buttons . He pushed the wheeled table with the bowl of soup on it out to the hallway and closed the door . Jack hadn 't taken his colored pencils out since Emma fell . His worry had filled him , and his inspiration had slipped away . That evening , Emma opened her eyes when Jack leaned in to kiss her . Jack reached up and put his hand over hers , pulled her palm to his mouth and kissed it . They held each other 's gaze until Emma 's eyes closed . A little while later , he wheeled over to the night stand and gathered his sketchpad . Going back over to Emma 's bedside , he took out his pencil and began drawing her still , perfect form . Tags : Couple , death and dying , Elders , Her Still Perfect Form , Hospice , love story , m . dawn thacker , nursing home Posted in Series | 9 Comments » On Saturday afternoon Jack came out of the room looking for Emma . He wandered the long hallways , knocking on doors , peering inside to see if she was there . That night , his usual sound sleep was interrupted . He got himself up in the wheelchair to check her bed . She was gone . He wondered where she was , what had happened to her . It wasn 't like her to be out after dark , gone in the middle of the night . He wheeled to the door of the room and asked a nursing assistant passing by if she had seen his wife . " She 's still in the hospital Jack . " " You just woke up Jack . It 's easy to forget things when you 've been asleep . I 'll call the hospital and check on her for you . Let me tuck you in and I 'll come back with the news , " she said . On Sunday , Jack fell . He had gotten the wheelchair stuck between the double doors leading to the parking lot . He was trying to pull the chair free . A nurse found him on his knees , struggling . When she asked what happened , he said , " I lost my balance . I need to find Emma . " " I 'm worried sick , " Jack said . " I can 't take a bite of anything until she gets here . Emma is always here for lunch . " " She 's in the hospital Jack . Remember ? She fell and broke her hip Friday . " " Yes , on Friday . She was standing at the sink , lost her balance and fell . She broke her hip . They operated on Saturday . She 'll be home soon . " " In the hospital ? " he asked , his voice rising , his eyes wide . " What do you mean she 's in the hospital ? What happened ? Why didn 't someone let me know ? " And so it went . Jack searched and asked . Staff members reassured and explained . Mid - morning , a housekeeper found Jack sitting with his head in his hands , sobbing . " I 've lost the only woman I 've ever loved , " he said . " Why would Emma leave me ? " A nurse called the hospital to ask someone to take a phone to Emma so she could reassure Jack . The staff there tried , but Emma 's voice was weak , and Jack 's hearing was poor . That afternoon , the nursing home arranged for the facility bus to carry Jack to the hospital . He might not remember he had been to see Emma , but in the moment he was there , seeing her , being with her , he might find some comfort . It had been awhile since Jack was outside . " It sure is beautiful out here . Look at all these colors . I don 't remember the trees being this big . Look at all these cars . Emma would love riding on this bus . I wish she was here . I want to tell her about this , " he said on the twenty minute trip to the hospital . " Room 502 , " the volunteer at the front desk said . " Take this hallway to the elevators . She 's on the fifth floor . " " Fancy place , " Jack said . " Look at all these paintings . They 're beautiful . Emma would love them . She likes my drawings , but they aren 't nearly as fancy or pretty as these . She should come here and visit . Remind me to tell her about it and maybe you could bring us back here sometime . " " Sure Jack , I 'll be glad to , " the driver said as she pushed his wheelchair toward Emma 's room . Emma was in the bed by the door , oxygen tubing in her nose , an IV attached to her bruised arm . Her eyes were closed . " Oh my God , what happened ? " Jack asked . " Was she in some sort of an accident ? Emma , Sweetheart , can you hear me ? " They liked to sleep in . Emma 's breathing was not the best , and it took her a while to gather energy . Jack just liked to laze in bed . Emma was usually the first one up , walking barefoot in her long flannel nightgown to the sink to wash her face and brush her teeth . She looked in the mirror , patted her hair into place and pinched her cheeks for color . Then , padding over to Jack 's bed , she leaned down and kissed him awake . Opening his eyes , he reached up , touched her face and said , " there 's my morning sun . " " Oh stop that foolishness Jack and get yourself up . Breakfast is coming , " she said . They ate all three meals together in their room at the nursing home . The dining room was just too crowded and they would have to share a table with other people . Somehow , in their sixty - two years of marriage , they stayed selfish enough to be an exclusive pair . They didn 't plan to be childless , but when no babies came , it was alright . Emma knew how to arrange a dining experience ; she had lots of practice . Forty - three years before , she and Jack met at the cafeteria in town . She set tables . " I knew she was the one for me the minute I looked at that sweet face , " Jack told everyone who met them . " Just look at her . Could you have resisted ? " " Don 't you believe his stories , " Emma said , smiling . " He didn 't really know until the second date . " Then , they both laughed . Emma pushed their over - the - bed hospital tables together in the center of the room , covered them with a white linen cloth , and placed the vase with a silk rose in the middle . Jack had given her the flower for her birthday . When the stainless steel cart brought their meal trays down the hall , Emma assumed the role of waitress , placing the plates , glasses and utensils in perfect order on the couple 's make - shift dining table . She unfolded the napkin and tucked it under Jack 's chin . His button - up shirts never had a stain . Jack didn 't have nice shirts until retirement . He was a hard worker , did manual labor , got his hands and clothes dirty . He and Emma lived in West Virginia . He dug coal from the age of ten . Emma had the education . She could read , Jack couldn 't . The couple enjoyed a small mountain cabin with a garden spot out back . Electricity and running water came later on . Family was close by , and their church was just down the road . They lived in the same small town , in the same house , until Jack retired . That year , their minister died . His widow gave Jack all of the pastor 's clothes because the two men were the same size . Emma liked seeing Jack dressed up , so did Jack . Wearing those clothes made him feel a little closer to God . When he and Emma moved into the nursing home , Emma only packed Jack 's " preacher clothes . " In the afternoon , when Emma napped , Jack drew . He used colored pencils , and though his artwork was not learned by formal training , he showed natural talent . " My Mama used to ' oo ' and ' ah ' over my pictures when I was a boy , " Jack said . " She would take me outside with my paper and pencils and point to trees , flowers , mountain ranges , creeks and animals for me to draw , then she 'd tack the pictures up on the wall at home . She 'd show them off to anyone who visited . Weren 't for her , it never would have amounted to much . Heck , didn 't really amount to much anyway , but people from as far away as town came up to the house for me to draw them . I even made a little money sometimes . " Several of Jack 's pictures were framed and hung on the wall in his and Emma 's room . The one of Popeye was his favorite . " I always loved ' ol Popeye . He 'd pick up that can of spinach and get so strong , nothing could beat him or take his girl away , " Jack said . Some of Jack 's projects took days , some only hours . He drew cars , trains , mountains , birds and houses . Sometimes he sketched staff members ' faces to give away as a thank you for being kind . A nursing assistant asked him once , " Where are your drawings of Emma , Jack ? " " I never drew Emma , " Jack said . " Oh I tried . Just couldn 't do her justice . Look at her . Only God could draw something so beautiful , so I drew love birds instead . That one 's her and this one 's me , " he said pointing to the pair of framed birds on the wall . When people came to visit , Jack looked over to Emma for all the answers . His hearing was not so good anymore , and of the two , he considered her the smartest . He always had . She smiled graciously , and carried the conversation , while he smiled and nodded . Emma 's steadfastness reassured Jack . One Saturday afternoon Jack came out of the room looking for Emma . He wandered the long hallways , knocking on doors , peering inside to see if she was there . That night , his usual sound sleep was interrupted . He got himself up in the wheelchair to check her bed . She was gone . He wondered where she was , what had happened to her . It wasn 't like her to be out after dark , gone in the middle of the night . He wheeled to the door of the room and asked a nursing assistant passing by if she had seen his wife . Part 2 here : Gillian saw darkness , felt it pressing on her chest . She heard voices calling for IV 's and stretchers , backboards and help . Above the blare of sirens someone said , " Ma ' am , Ma ' am , can you hear me ? " Gillian felt arms reach under her , lifting her onto something hard and flat . A man 's voice , very close to her ear , said , " It 's gonna be alright Ma ' am . You 're gonna be fine . This is an oxygen mask - to help you breathe . " A radio crackled with medical terms and Gillian drifted back . She was lying in a moving vehicle and couldn 't understand why . Gillian continued to fade in and out of consciousness until the ride ended . Then she heard the doors open and felt the stretcher being lifted and unfolded . Her chest hurt . The automatic doors of the ER slid open and bright lights blurred overhead . Gillian was in a hallway . Her glasses were gone . She felt her shoes slide off , then her socks . The cold metal of scissors slid along her leg as someone cut through her pants . Then she felt John 's sweater lift . Someone was cutting John 's sweater from her body . She wanted to scream " No ! " but couldn 't . She wanted to tell them they couldn 't take it . She needed his sweater . Then it was gone . John 's warmth was gone and Gillian felt colder than she ever had . Gillian fumbled on the bedside table for her glasses . Their thick lenses magnified her faded blue eyes . She pushed the covers off and lowered her stiff legs over the edge of the mattress . Her knees creaked . John was standing there , with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands . Gillian reached out and her fingers covered his before she took it . " Mmm , " she said , " smells just like heaven . " The warmth of the ceramic eased the arthritic ache in her hands . She tasted the coffee on his mouth and smiled . He was tousled . His sparse , silver hair stuck up in all directions and his eyebrows needed a trim . He hadn 't put his teeth in yet and his thin face looked all the more gaunt . The treatments had taken their toll , though his blue eyes still twinkled - the same eyes that drew her to him fifty years ago . Their wedding picture on the nightstand was black and white , but Gillian remembered the colors . " At 11 : 00 , but they want us there a little early to fill out more forms . You go ahead and turn on the water . Let it get warm and I 'll get us a refill . Be there in a few minutes . " " Never mind , here 's your robe , " he said , holding it up for her to put her arms in . She tied the sash and reached for her cane before shuffling out of the bedroom , heading for the kitchen . She heard his slippers scuffing on the floor behind her as he made his way to the bathroom . Gillian followed John 's path of discarded clothes . For someone so organized , he never picked up an article of his clothing . It was harder and harder for Gillian to bend down and scoop up his underwear and socks . She had a good mind to leave them until he ran out of clean ones . " Raisins , " she reminded herself . John was already in the shower , washing , when she returned . Steam fogged her glasses and she set the mug down on the vanity and slid open the shower door . John handed her a washcloth . He had already soaped it . She felt the hills and valleys of vertebrae along his spine as she rubbed him with it . She remembered when the muscles of his back were strong and supple under her hand . She remembered when her fingers were long and straight . Time had changed their bodies , but not their touch . She scrubbed the right side of his back , just under his shoulder blade . He turned , rinsed , and stepped out of the shower and into the towel Gillian wrapped around his middle . She hugged him tight , then slipped off her robe . When she turned to face him , he waggled his bushy eyebrows and smiled a lecherous grin , growling low in his throat . Gillian made a sneer , but John took her hands and held her close . For a full minute they embraced , standing in the bathroom , the shower running and the fan spinning . " We 'll always be together , Jilly , I promise . " " Here , " she said , handing him the mug of coffee . " This will have to quench your thirst . We don 't have time for anything else this morning - and you have to eat your fancy breakfast . " She flashed a smile then stepped into the shower , soaped the washcloth and handed it to him before turning . He chuckled as he washed her back . It seemed he knew just the right spots on her , too . Gillian dressed in a comfortable pair of pants and button - up shirt . Her gray hair was straight , cut short , in a bob that would have been a cute style , except this morning she pulled her bangs severely to the side and anchored them with a pin . Her thick ankle length socks were visible through the buckled sandals she wore . The socks were loose from years of wear . Before she and John left the house , Gillian asked for the third time , " Did you turn off all the lights ? " " If it isn 't the coffee maker , it 's the stove , or the fan in the bathroom . Yes Jilly , I turned off the lights . " John sighed deeply , holding the front door open for her . The appointment with Dr . Stevens was a referral from Dr . Davis . One day , not too long after John 's treatments started for the lung cancer , Gillian experienced a shortness of breath that was unusual for her . Small exertions winded her to the point that she 'd have to sit down and rest before finishing a simple task like washing dishes or making the bed . John was concerned about her heart . " You are going to the doctor , Gillian . I 'm worried . " Tests revealed no conclusive reason for Gillian 's difficulty breathing . Her heart was strong and her lungs were clear . She had no wheezing that would suggest asthma , and no signs of bronchitis . " Oh , that . I 've had it awhile . Just an age spot . I have them all over me . I tell John they 're my beauty marks . I should be gorgeous by now . " " This spot concerns me , Gillian . I think it might be an issue . I want to send you to a dermatologist who can tell us some more . I 'd like her to look at it . I believe it needs to be removed . " Gillian couldn 't speak . She handed the phone to John , and sank down into her rocker . She had cancer . She had been strong for John . Now , she felt her own strength start to slip away . She heard John say , " Okay Dr . Stevens , we 'll be there . Thank you . " At the parking lot , John circled , looking for a vacant space close to the front of the office building . All the handicapped spots were taken . " I know all those people can walk , " John complained . " Just park , John . I don 't want to be late and you going around and around is wasting time . " This happened every time they went somewhere . He had to search for the closest space . Male pride and territory , she thought . " Look , there 's someone pulling out of a space , right there , in front , " he announced , whipping the car to the right . Gillian braced herself , holding onto the door handle as the car careened , sliding her over toward John . Words came up , but she bit her tongue to keep them from spilling out . They walked up to a metal and glass door marked " Dermatology / Surgery . " The entrance was tall , reaching almost to the second floor and wide enough for two couples to pass . They stood side by side , looking at the sign . " Not the place for us , they must treat giants here , " John said . He grasped the handle and pulled , using his cane for leverage . His breathing was labored due to the tumor and his weakened condition . The exertion taxed him , but he held the door for Gillian . The waiting room was almost full , and the only young people in the office were staff . They worked behind a glass partition , like the barrier protected them from age , or the skin cancer that dotted the assembly of ex - sun worshippers on the other side . Staff busied themselves , not looking at each other . They seemed like drones in a beehive , scurrying . The waiting area was a contrast , people sat silently , staring straight ahead , or thumbing through old magazines , not really reading . They flipped time away until they were called for a prognosis . John and Gillian stood just inside the entrance and surveyed the room . It felt like they were on a precipice , waiting to fall into a world of worry . John spotted the only two chairs available side by side and pointed them out to his wife . Eyes turned to the couple as they walked into the waiting room . Gillian was taller than most women of her generation . She was thin and had taken on the square look that comes to a woman as she moves into later decades . She had pilfered John 's dark cable knit sweater from his closet earlier in the fall . She wore it all the time now - since his diagnosis - and it hung on her frame . The sweater was too big , but cozy , and it made her feel like she was wrapped in John 's warmth . John was also slim and not much taller than his wife . He wore a denim button down shirt , tucked into faded Chinos . His black belt was thin . His hair was silver , combed back from his forehead and neatly trimmed , but sparse from the chemo treatments . John wore socks like his wife 's and the same kind of leather buckle sandals , only his were heavier , dark and wide . Along with his cane , he carried an attaché case with handles and the round imprint of an insurance company 's logo . The couple was a matching pair , like a set in Gillian 's salt and pepper shaker collection . People had commented for years that John and Gillian looked more like brother and sister than husband and wife . When Gillian looked back at their early photos as a couple , they didn 't resemble each other . Funny , how almost fifty years together could mold two people into one shape . Yet that seemed to be the extent of their likeness . John was the logical one . He balanced the checkbook to the penny , kept his tools organized on peg boards , and put up with her intuition but didn 't understand anything about it . Gillian was the emotional one , an artist , disorganized and flighty . John often said , " I got caught up in the whirlwind of Jilly and ran behind her picking up pieces to save in my pockets until she needed them again . " He carried his cane in his right hand , she carried hers in her left . The pair walked to the seats and John helped his wife settle into one . A minute later , he came back with a clip board . She took his cane and leaned it against hers . Midway through the first page , he reached for his case , opened it , and pulled out a flat wallet . He slid out several small cards , and copied information onto the forms . Every once in a while he would turn and study her , as if looking would help him remember the answers , then he went back to writing . " Here they are , " she said , taking them from her purse . He looked at the four brown bottles one at a time and copied their names onto the form , calling them out so she could tell him what they were for , " Heart , blood pressure , cholesterol , depression . " He limped the clipboard back to the receptionist and returned . " Jan called this morning while you were finishing in the shower , " he said . " She wanted to know if we needed a ride . She rattled off about twenty things she had to get done before the kids got home from school . I told her we 'd be fine . " " Those kids and that husband of hers are going to kill her , " Gillian said . " It 's no wonder she 's so thin and doesn 't sleep at night . She worries too much . Why did you tell her we were even coming for this today ? " " Of course I would , but you know how she worries and frets . I just hate to add one more thing to her plate . She 's worried about Jim 's job . They 're downsizing , and Sam is failing something he has to pass to graduate . Ellie 's running around with that boy who 's too old for her with tattoos on his body and earrings all over his face , and that damned dog of theirs just had puppies . You just shouldn 't have told her , that 's all . " The nurse approached and motioned for them to come to the examination room . John stood , took his cane and slipped his hand under Gillian 's arm . She pushed up from the chair and rocked forward a couple of times before gaining enough momentum to get up . He steadied her and then slid his case under his arm and placed his free hand on the small of her back . " It 's melanoma , " the doctor said . " It 's the most dangerous of the skin cancers . The cells that produce skin pigment start growing aggressively . We see melanoma more in fair skinned people with blue eyes , like you Gillian . This lesion is fairly large . I would say it 's been here awhile . Is that right ? " " The most important thing is that you are here . We can remove the lesion and treat the area , " said Dr . Stevens . The surgery shouldn 't take too long . Sit here Gillian , and let 's take a look . " Dr . Stevens adjusted her glasses and snapped on rubber gloves . She pressed on Gillian 's forehead and bent close to examine . Gillian could smell mint on Dr . Steven 's breath . It was fresh , but reminded her of a medical office . " We 'll remove the lesion , freeze it and slice it into small sections , looking at the cells under a microscope for any malignancy . Hopefully , when we reach the bottom slice we see no more of the bad cells . If we do , though , we 'll remove more tissue and repeat the process . We only need to use local anesthetic , Gillian , you 'll be awake the whole time . " " Oh , " said Gillian , her eyes downcast . She had seen the effects of the chemo on John and couldn 't fathom how they would manage treatments at the same time . She felt like the chemicals were killing John slowly , right before her eyes . He was brave and put up a good front , but his thin , bent body told the truth . Gillian wasn 't afraid of dying . She worried about not being able to care for John . She looked at him , tears welling in her eyes . He reached out , squeezed her hand and gave a smile . Gillian took a deep breath . Dr . Stevens patted her shoulder and said , " Let 's get started , alright ? " Can I stay with her ? " John asked , not letting go of Gillian 's hand . She opened her purse and rummaged around until she found the small white bottle . She opened it and spilled two tablets into his open hand . He threw them back and drank from the fountain by the elevator . They walked out of the medical office and turned left onto the sidewalk . Gillian reached out with her free hand and grasped John 's . Their fingers tightened . Together , they walked slowly to their car , an older Chevy , its blue paint , faded like her eyes and his pants . John opened the passenger door . Gillian put her cane and his case inside . Then shestraightened up and turned around to face him , backing herself up until she felt the edge of the seat behind her . She stopped and looked up at John . He rested his cane against the open door and lifted his thin hands to frame his wife 's face . He leaned close and kissed the bandage on her forehead . " We 'll get through this together , Jilly , I promise . We always do , " he reassured her , gazing into her eyes . He helped her into the seat and closed the door , then walked around the vehicle and got in . " How about a cup of coffee ? " John pulled up to the intersection . He put on the left blinker and accelerated , proceeding through the turn that would take them to their favorite coffee shop . He glanced to Gillian , she was still smiling , even with the silly bandage . He didn 't see the tractor - trailer coming . John 's light was green . One second Gillian was smiling at John and the next she saw the square glass headlights and silver grill of the truck . Her mouth opened as she lifted her hand to point . John turned to look just before it hit them . Gillian screamed . Darkness . Darkness and then chaos . Sirens wailed and men yelled . The smell of gas so strong it burned her nose and throat . Heavy footsteps ran on the pavement . No focus . Blurry figures bending close . The sound of metal wrenching . She thought she heard John say , " Gillian . " But his voice sounded weak and then it was gone . Big yellow boots . Flashing lights . Gillian closed her eyes , trying to make sense of it . Where was she ? What happened ? Where was John ? He always steadied her when things were confusing or chaotic . His voice soothed her and his touch calmed her . Where did he go ? " He 's not breathing , his heart 's stopped . Give me those paddles , " Gillian heard a man say . " We 're losing him . Clear - " Then a jolt . Pain in her chest stole her breath and Gillian knew . John was dead . She felt it . She didn 't need to open her eyes and see . Gillian could feel John 's spirit rising from his body and pulling hers with it . " Don 't you dare leave me , John Hill , " she whispered . " We 're supposed to be together - you promised . " He heard Gillian and she was mad . " Don 't you dare leave me , John Hill , " she whispered . " We 're supposed to be together - you promised . " He could hear her , but he couldn 't see her . If he got to her quickly enough , told her a joke , kissed her , he wouldn 't get the cold shoulder tonight . She 'd forgive him . This dream was like one of those new 3D movies where things and people floated out of the screen and over the audience . John was up , not in the sky , but above everything going on . The colors below him were bright , but the sound was brighter . John couldn 't remember the last time he could hear this well . Sirens wailed and rescue people called out . The smell of the gas spilling on the asphalt assailed John 's nostrils , but didn 't burn his nose and eyes . A firefighter in heavy bright yellow pants was spraying foam under and around the car and truck . Others were working feverishly to get the passenger side door open . A firefighter came running with a large metal tool . He and another squad member wrestled with it at the passenger side of a car . John could see clearly , every color , every shape , even the tiny pieces of gray gravel scattered on the pavement . The painted white and yellow lines on the road were bright and clear . The truck was pitched to the side yawning over a mashed car . The car was a faded blue , 70 's model Chevy , just like his . The car even had a dent on the right front fender . Then it dawned on him . Forty years ago , John had saved every extra dollar he could find in a Dutch Masters cigar box to buy that car . He 'd walked onto the lot and handed the salesman a wad of cash , leaving the man open - mouthed . John smiled thinking back to that moment . Those keys in his hand , that motor under his command was almost as good as - " There , got it , " the man 's voice interrupted John 's thoughts . The sound of metal wrenching made him want to cover his ears . He looked at his car , his baby , ruined . He washed and polished the Nova every week , vacuumed the interior religiously and changed the oil more often than the owner 's manual instructed . His car was under the wheels of that huge truck . No one ever drove that car but John . Who had stolen his car ? He noticed that the rescue worker covered the bloody body he had been working on with a blanket . John 's first thought was , " Served him right , for stealing my car , " Then he admonished himself . No car is worth a man 's life . " Grab that backboard . Be easy , watch her neck , " another cautioned , John wanted to move to see who the worker was referring to . He was interested in seeing this " she " who was with the man who stole his car . He kept trying to move , but this dream had him suspended in one spot . The rescue squad workers pulled the stretcher and a backboard from the van and hurried over . Gently , they lifted the woman from the wreckage and onto the backboard . As they moved the body , John 's body moved in tandem . The woman 's feet came into view . Her sandals looked like Gillian 's . A squad member bent over the woman with an oxygen mask . " It 's gonna be alright Ma ' am . You 're gonna be fine . This is an oxygen mask , to help you breathe , " John heard the young man say . " Oh my God , it 's Gillian on that backboard , under that oxygen mask . She was in the car . " John wanted to wake up . " Wake up , Dammit ! " he yelled to himself . He pinched himself , slapped his own face . Nothing worked . " Gillian ! " he called loudly . She didn 't open her eyes , no one looked up . He continued to hover over his wife , helpless . It was as if he were an invisible helium balloon attached to Gillian by an invisible thread . They loaded her into the ambulance and John floated in the ceiling of the van right over her . They rode to the hospital together as the squad members inserted an IV and applied a neck collar to his wife . The workers talked back and forth , never noticing John suspended there right above them . " Hey , you with the red hair , that 's my wife . Be careful . Hey , you with the needle , she hates needles . I need to hold her hand when you do that . Wait a second , I can 't reach . " He hovered over her as she was taken from the ambulance , wheeled through the hallway , as they sliced off her clothes . They cut away his sweater from her body . She was cold ; he could feel it and he couldn 't warm her . His heat had risen . The Couple is currently available in its original form on CL Literary Forum here , and is featured in the CL Litfo Chap Book , Syzygy . It is available through lulu . com . Here 's the link : http : / / stores . lulu . com / francais Train is so wonderfully modest , her friends jumped in to make this post . We 're hoping she will make the story available on her blog in the near future . Do check back . Congratulations , Train !
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29th December 2013 at 2 : 10 pm Reply One day , on the sea , just off the coast of Cuba , a man was busy catching some glowing seaweed . This man 's name was Jake . All the while , Jake was catching his seaweed , a fearousous typhoon was forming . Suddenly the typhoon hit the Carribean with Jake in the middle of it ! After one week of howling winds , torrenchall rain and mind blowing waves , you think Jake would of given up . Well no ! Jake battled the winds , the rain and the waves . Finally , after typhoon ceased , Jake set to work on fixing his boat . Or what was left of it . After three tireing hours , Jake finally managed to turn the remanes of his boat into a raft . He set sail for Cuba . He was adrift for many days . And then , on the end of his travels he realised he was being followed . It was a monstras Great White Shark ! It was cruising smoothly along behind him . Jake was so surprised he nearly fell off his craft in shock . 30th December 2013 at 11 : 17 am Reply I 've been drifting for days since the ship capsized . Looking ahead , I could see land … thank you God . Suddenly , I had this feeling that there was something behind me … I turned and there it was ! ! ! HELP … the fin of a mighty shark just one metre away from my raft ! ! Probably like me absolutely starving for food ! ' Don 't Panic ' I told myself . But how could I not ? Now he was circling me . All thoughts running through my head . I had once read to go for the sharks eyes if I was attacked . I turned again to see how far the land was away , I was drifting slowly towards it maybe I could swim faster than the shark . I would dive when he was round the back and swim for my life ! I looked down and around and could not see the shark . I waited just a second for the raft to be lifted from underneath me , but then out of the corner of my eye I saw the shark swimming away towards some dolphins in the distance and he had obviously thought them more tasty than me . Before I could think any more I dived into the water and swam stronger and faster than I had ever swam before towards the land . 30th December 2013 at 8 : 57 pm Reply Once upon a time , on a deserted , island in the middle of the deep blue ocean lived a man called Sam . Sam had lived on the island for twenty years because twenty years ago he was on a ship on the way to New York , sadly the ship hit an ice berg and sank . His parents died but he survived , he swam to the nearest island and lived there . One scorching hot morning , Sam woke up with a start and went searching to find some juicy coconuts ( for breakfast ) but sadly all of them weren 't ripe enough . Then he decided to go fishing . Sam found fifteen long , clumsy logs just lying on the ground . Then he found two long , old ropes buried in deep sand . He decided to wrap the two ropes around the logs to make a raft . When the raft was finished , Sam needed to make an oar , so he got two skinny logs with no holes in them and tied them together with a leaf as thick as leather . After that , Sam found a log as sharp as a spear to use to catch fish . Finally Sam was ready to go fishing . Sam dragged the raft cautiously into the ocean ; he then clambered onto the raft and started rowing to the depth of the ocean . When he got to the depth of the ocean , Sam could hear a splash noise coming from the surface of the water ; every time he glanced back a shiny - black tale was flapping out of the water . Behind Sam , a tall , shark like fin was sticking out . Suddenly , a frightening , monstrous shark head popped out of the water and looked directly at Sam . When Sam saw the shark he gladly said hello to it . It was Sam 's pet shark : Sid . Sam knows that sharks are dangerous but Sam saved Sid because five years ago , Sid got stuck in a net and Sam helped him out . Sid was following Sam just to make sure that he was safe . 31st December 2013 at 2 : 37 pm Reply Spain . A land of sunshine and seas , a land of flies and ice - creams . Glorious . Whether you are paddling in a crystal sea or climbing over jagged rocks and cliffs you can always have a fantastic time . Reading this I instantly wanted to go to the " so - said " heavenly place . After what seemed like an age of begging and pleading , my family ( two brothers and my mum and dad ) decided to forget about the extremely expensive costs and fly to Spain . We were seated in a fine but fully overcrowded aeroplane , the steward turned the radiator on and I suddenly started to feel a little drowsy … The sand on the orange speckled beach glimmered like diamonds in the sunlight , the water sparkled like sequins in a picture . Paradise was in my view . The water seemed so fresh and clean I wanted to jump in straight away . I glimpsed my old snorkel in dad 's rucksack , I immediately snatched them and raced towards the sea . The sand crunched under my eager feet as I rushed in to the water . It was heading for a familiar looking raft , dad 's raft ! I could see its beady sharp eyes and its saliva oozing out of its mouth . I had to act quickly . I heaved my body and shouted with all my might , " Dad , you 're being followed ! " Dad jerked back , " Followed ? " Questioned Dad peering about , then he noticed it . It made his heart fill with terror but luckily the shark hadn 't been going for Dad , it was going for an uncautious fish that happened to be swimming by unaware of what was going on . 31st December 2013 at 2 : 39 pm Reply It was a warm , sunny day in San Diego , and because it was very hot many people were heading for the beach . In San Diego there was a very good pioneer named Mac . Mac was the best at his trade and would spend hours on end pioneering . So , whenever Mac went to the hectic beach he would make a raft and go paddling . He did excatly that that day . Once Mac finally finished his wonderful masterpiece he took it out for a quick test run . All was going well until a women screamed , " Ummm , I think you 're being followed by a shark ! " Everyone panicked and screamed except for Mac who remained imperturbable during the whole process . He just casually turned around and saw that it was just a man wearing a shark fin float . Mac eventually managed to persuade everyone that everyhting was fine and because of this incident , shark fin floats are now banned at that beach . We were sailing to India in a boat . We loaded everything on board and took off . 10 or so minutes later we hit something , when this happened I was just lucky I nearly got squished by that stupid cupboard … I didn 't like it the very first time I saw it ! ! ! Then I realised that we landed . I rushed out of my bedroom saying ' we landed mum and dad ' . dad came out of his bedroom saying we can 't land in about 1 2 3 4 … 1 week . Now me and dad are kind of mates so I can be rough on him I cant with mum . Im a girl well not a girl a tom cat just if you wanted to know . ' maybe we went in a super cool boat who could go at the speed of LIGHTNING ' I said . Dad said it was a ship wreck the sailor got drunk and sired us into the the rocks . mum and dad panicked i think they should thanked me besides i didn 't know if we were sailing or flying ! ! ! we grabbed a raft and jumped into the sea we lived on that smelly dirty raft for three days until the raft broke in two leaving me and mum on one side and dad on the other . we saw thin poke out of the water ' is that shark mummy ' I said , mum didn 't answer i knew what se was thinking i had it to ' DADDY WILL WE EVER SEE YOU AGAIN ! ! ! ! ! ! ' I sobbed in mums arms Paul was surfing and suddenly the waves started getting into rapids ! Paul swam back and dodged the waves . Paul carried on surfing and after a while his board started shaking . He looked around , left and right and there were no waves coming so he checked behind and there was a shark ! Paul leapt off his board and tried to swim to safety , but the shark was in close pursuit . Paul was giving it his all , but it wasn 't enough . The shark bit his leg and then swallowed him whole . One bright sunny day , an Australian man was out on the beach . The man was called Paul , and he was a surfer . Paul wasn 't any average surfer though , He was a world champion ! Paul was practising surfing in the sea and suddenly waves started rolling and crashing down on him and the sea turned ice cold . The sea suddenly felt a shake on his board and looked franticly behind him and there in the presents of him was a savage shark with razor sharp teeth ! Paul tried to dive and swim away but the shark bit his leg . Paul screamed in agony but no one could hear him , because he was too far away . But at that moment in time the shark ripped off Paul 's leg and he let out another scream of agony , but still no one could hear him . By now the injuries he had were so bad the water was no longer blue but ruby red . Paul managed to swim away and make it but without one leg . It was a bright and sunny morning and I was getting my boat , the Atlantis , ready to set sail . " Ah that 's better " , I yawned after planting the last chest onto the ship , I climbed aboard . Later we set sail , the weather forecast was to be beautiful , only a few showers , perfect sailing weather . Still lovely weather ! I was snuggling deep into my cosy cabin bed , dreaming of crispy bacon for breakfast , when one of the crew members spied tornado Nimbus on the horizon . It was approaching quickly , I hoped to miss it . " Oh no ! ' I screamed as the ship got sucked into the eye of the tornado . All around me I heard my mates screaming and wailing and plunging off the sides of the ship . Atlantis started to tear apart ! " Arggggggh ! " I hollered as all my precious cargo poured out of the side of the ship , I scampered to the remaining escape raft and sailed out of the horrid storm . I have been sailing now for an endless time and it has been a tragic journey and I 'm starving . " Wait a second " I thought to myself , I heard a swift swish in the water , I turned around to see a treacherous tiger shark with it 's rotten jaws gaping wide and snapping down on my raft countless times . I paddled as fast as a dolphin but the shark wouldn 't give up . Suddenly I spotted land , I paddled breathlessly the shark still on my tail . Finally I 'd made it ! I climbed onto the safe and secure land " At last I 'm safe " I panted . It was a bright and sunny morning and I was getting my boat , the Atlantis , ready to set sail . " Ah that 's better " , I yawned after planting the last chest onto the ship , I climbed aboard . Later we set sail , the weather forecast was to be beautiful , only a few showers , perfect sailing weather . Still lovely weather ! I was snuggling deep into my cosy cabin bed , dreaming of crispy bacon for breakfast , when one of the crew members spied tornado Nimbus on the horizon . It was approaching quickly , I hoped to miss it . " Oh no ! ' I screamed as the ship got sucked into the eye of the tornado . All around me I heard my mates screaming and wailing and plunging off the sides of the ship . Atlantis started to tear apart ! " Arggggggh ! " I hollered as all my precious cargo poured out of the side of the ship , I scampered to the remaining escape raft and sailed out of the horrid storm . I have been sailing now for an endless time and it has been a tragic journey and I 'm starving . " Wait a second " I thought to myself , I heard a swift swish in the water , I turned around to see a treacherous tiger shark with it 's rotten jaws gaping wide and snapping down on my raft countless times . I paddled as fast as a dolphin but the shark wouldn 't give up . Suddenly I spotted land , I rowed breathlessly the shark still on my tail . Finally I 'd made it ! I climbed onto the safe and secure land " At last I 'm safe " I panted . I felt my raft tilting to one corner and when I turned my head I saw a shark just behind me the shark 's mouth was open wide to eat me or my raft . My body shivered and my heart was beating as fast as it could . When I heard a voice ' Hurry we must go ' after I jumped onto the boat both of us rowed the boat with paddles , the shark kept on circling round the boat with a lot of hard work and teamwork we reached land safely . I asked the grateful man his name . He replied saying ' My name is Suzuki , you come I will get fire and place for you and me to rest , ' I understood by this that he lived in this place , and didn 't know how to speak English . I went along with him and helped him pick up sticks for the fire and stay with him . We lit the fire and in the cave where I supposed he lived . The next morning he said to me ' I tell you my story and you tell me you story . ' He started to tell me that he was in the army and that he got left behind when fighting the red Indians , who lived here before , . I asked Suzuki if he ever met his family after he got left behind . He said this ' I never met family again my family died in war when Japan got shot by America . I told him a little bit of how I was sailing in the sea . I told him that I lived in England and that Spain invaded us and my mum and dad were led to safety but I was left at home and one day later I set out on the raft for four days until I got rescued by him . The night before christmas , when the winds abused the waves and the waves bombed [ smashed against the shore ] the land , a man called mike was stranded on an island . He was wearing a red , blue , yellow and green striped long jumper knitted from the finest cotton from the sheep farm . His shoes are brown and made of lether . He thought ' since it is so windy I will build a sail boat ' Stuart the sailor was sailing , but he was being followed . Someone behind shouted , " Look out , there 's a shark following you ! " Stuart screamed for about twenty minutes . Meanwhile , some people had arrived at the beach , and started to make sand castles with their bucket and spade . Soon afterwards , the shark landed on the seashore , and slowly died . However , Stuart was pleased , because the shark had been trying to eat him . Stuart said to himself " I can carry on with my journey to Ireland . " My adventure starts when I left my comfortable house to go to my boring job . There was a phone next to my table and the phone had numbers read out by a robot , which I needed to press all day . ( I 'm already drifting off ! ) I am a very tall person , ( Oh im blushing ! ) dark haired and very skinny indeed . I have scuffed sideburns itching the side of my face , unfortunatley I am very lazy considering my job . I always wear my blue top and brown tie to work , my only pair of decent clothes . I wore tight , skinny jeans which were too small for me , I am very lazy ! I wore geeky socks with sandles which was an old man style , but they are the only pair ive got ! The next week later after this happened I was ready for the airport ! Starting an adventure was fun ! My boss told me there would be time to look around his ' home land ' but not long . On the aeroplane there I was horror - strucked to see a school of great white sharks , and I can convince you that these sharks were monsterous , humongous , tretorious , mammoth - sized human - eating machines ! Their razor - sharp fangs were sharper than a blades , their huge , blood - red eyes were more terrifying than Freddie Kreuger trying to stab you in the back ! Their tails , to wipe you back and forth threw the water like wind shield wipers and there long , paper - thin fins to wipe your blood off their mouths . I held onto my seat for my life and I was very jittery and very nervous this was only the third time i had flown in my whole life ! Later I could hear the ladyies from apart of the airline crew saying that the plane was going to have to make an unexpected landing ! ( well its not really unexpecting landing if you know its going to happen is it ! ) I ran over to the loo where I knew I would be safe . The plane seemed out of control and was falling at the speed of more than 20000 miles per hour ! Soon CRASH ! BANG ! T he plane had fallen to pieces ! I was not the only one alive though the pilot and seven other passengers were ok but with my luck I got lost and somehow I stupidly ended up in the middle of the ocean ! All I could see were baboons and seaweed which gave me an genuis idea ! i got around eight pieces of baboon and made a raft all tied together with seaweed ! i had another piece of baboon with me to push the boat until I had a horrible feeling that i was being followed … . On the night of the second day , I couldn 't sleep , I had an eerie feeling that something was going to happen . When I thought it over to myself it probably was because I had just watched ' Titanic ' . When suddenly I heard a massive crash ! I put some clothes on , and as quick as a flash I was sprinting through the corridors desperately trying to reach the deck . As sudden as lightning the cruise began to rock side to side . When I eventually got to the deck . I realised that no one was there . When suddenly a huge wave swept me off the deck . I must of been unconscious floating through the night because I remember waking up in the blinding sunshine with a plank of wood next to me suddenly I realised that a little fin was poking up through the water . It began to come closer so I thought it was a dolphin and stroked it 's fin , suddenly it jumped up at me and revealed that it was a shark . I tried to paddle away , but soon it ate the planks and took a big leap at me . It all went black . When I woke up I was on the shores of Cuba with my in front of me . 12th January 2014 at 6 : 52 pm Reply It was the first day of my journey to my home country . I haven 't been there for a long time so I wanted to see my parents and brothers and sisters since three long years . We were going to Mauritius . It is a lovely tropical island and it may seem small but it a beautiful place . When me and my family were going on the boat we had to stay on it for three hours . When we set off it was a perfect , nice , sunny weather and it was roughly four am in the morning . We all went to sleep for two and a half hours and suddenly the captain announced that we would crash into a big rock . Everyone screamed and shouted for immediate help . Many people died . I managed to find a piece of surface to balance on on the water . I thought I was safe but then I knew there was something behind me so I turned around . Suddenly I saw a huge grey shark with razor sharp teeth . I tried to paddle as fast as I could but the shark was still behind me . I almost reached a piece of land . As soon as I got there I managed to escape from the shark because it was too shallow . I managed to survive but unfortunately my family didn 't . All I needed to do was find Mauritius . On the night of the second day , I couldn 't sleep , I had an eerie feeling that something was going to happen . When I thought it over to myself it probably was because I had just watched ' Titanic ' . When suddenly I heard a massive crash ! I put some clothes on , and as quick as a flash I was sprinting through the corridors desperately trying to reach the deck . As sudden as lightning the cruise began to rock side to side . When I eventually got to the deck . I realised that no one was there . When suddenly a huge wave swept me off the deck . I must of been unconscious floating through the night because I remember waking up in the blinding sunshine with a plank of wood next to me suddenly I realised that a little fin was poking up through the water . It began to come closer so I thought it was a dolphin and stroked it 's fin , suddenly it jumped up at me and revealed that it was a shark . I tried to paddle away , but soon it ate the planks and took a big leap at me . It all went black . When I woke up I was on the shores of Cuba with my in front of me . John was stranded on an island . Luckily he had all the resources he needed . He chopped down a tree and made a shelter , he went to go get some apples . He made a campfire and a little farm . All he needed to survive . He made a raft a couple days later . He stoked up on food and sailed away When he sailed away he saw some land . A continent ! He paddled as fast as he could , but then a shark came he paddled slowly then the sharked pounced on him . Taking him into the water and eating John . John saw the sea go red and his vision went black . 20th January 2014 at 9 : 33 pm Reply One beautiful , calm summers ' morning , my family and I went on a cruise ship to the amazing country of Spain . As we sailed through the light - blue sea , only ripples were to be seen - no waves at all . It was a delightful , charming day and the blinding sun shone through the colossal windows . Intriguing didn 't begin to describe the lovely view of all the dolphins swimming high - spiritedly through the serene sea . The cotton - wool balls in the sky gave the satisfying finishing touch to the flabbagasting scene . Suddenly , when we were all sleeping , the ship smashed into an iceberg and an alarm woke me up and goosepumps appeared on my skin . My parents and brother were still fast asleep and had not realised the major incident . I tried to wake them up but it was no use . I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders and it was a man who told me to immediately rush to a raft . He told me he would help my parents and brother but when I evacuated and was on a raft , my family sank with the ship . " Mum ! Dad ! Brother ! " I screamed as the ship sunk to the very bottom of the sea . I felt utterly melancholy , grief - stricken and heavy hearted . My family was gone . As I went on my raft I blank - mindedly stared at the sky , thinking of them . Just then I heard a splash . I quickly turned and saw an immense grey fin approaching me … The nurse then told me , an hour later in the local hospital , that Trchie had died from his horrific wounds . I wanted to kill myself for him . I wanted to scream . I felt so so melancholy that I sat down and cried . What could i do know ? Go on a shark - killing rampage ? No , i couldn 't , for Archie 's sake . I would not go out with ANYONE else …… 26th January 2014 at 11 : 38 am Reply I was peaceful . The light shone brighter than the brightest star in the sky . The silhouetted sky cast dull shadows on the crystal - clear water . My wooden raft was my only companion and all around was sea and no sight of land . The water was calm as we sailed on , the only problem was … . no one . Deserted . Stranded . And most of all lonely and marooned . Even though this was a problem , nothing could go wrong . Or could it ? … As midday shot round faster than a speeding bullet , I saw something dark - grey in the crystal clear water . It was long and the apex at the top was pointing directly my way . " Must be a dolphin ! " I pondered effortlessly . My eyes stared directly at him as I knew it couldn 't be a dolphin . No . It was a shark … It inched closer and I moved steadily towards the far end of the raft . 10 meters . 5 meters . 2 . 5 meters . And then it did what I least wanted it to do . It jumped . My eyes paralysed with fear I plunged into the icy - cold water watching the brutal beast attack my raft . Unexpectedly , the beast jumped in the air and darted straight towards me . A second later all I could see was grey . I knew what sealed my fate . Me , my mum and dad were all together on a cruise around Africa . I was drinking the most delicious chocolate milkshake when the milkshake started to shake . My little cousin started screaming as we both darted to the deck to see what all the atrocious moving was . My parents stood next to us and we saw the most horrendus , enormous beast in the whole mighty world . I can 't describe the beast because it is just so terrible you will have nightmares ! The sailor was a scardey - cat as he jumped of the large boat . Our family jumped into action . wha wha wha went my dad trying to use his taekwando skills . Me and my frightened cousin hid behind the table cloth . That 's when I had no idea what happened I just waited until there was no noise at all , I stepped out from behind the cloth , I started crying , my sympathetic cousin came over and said he would look after me . He is four so I laughed at that statement . I lowered the life boat and we both sailed quietly back home . That is the story of my crazy adventure . I live with my aunt now , she tells me scary stories which make me have nightmares so I hardly sleep now and everyone makes fun of me because I don 't do well in school . Moral : Big things always start from small things . ( For example a milkshake . ) 9th February 2014 at 1 : 38 pm Reply Hello ! I am J . J . Jackson and this is my blog . Today I am going to tell you all about an adventure I have recently encountered . It was a fine summers day in the middle of August and I was on board the S . S Marine . The sun reflected on the still water and there was not a cloud in sight . It was all going smoothly until … we hit it . A two hundred ton rock - the size of a house . Amazingly I managed to leap off into the crystal clear waters and swim for my life . As I looked back I watched devastated as I saw the beautiful ship sink down deeper and deeper into the ocean . I paddled tirelessly for miles leaving my mates behind me . After what seemed like hours I reached dry land . I immediately collapsed , exhausted on the soft white sand and fell asleep for an hour or two . When I woke up I looked around me and saw an adventure packed wilderness in front of me . I stumbled wearily into this jungle and started to break down the hard , scratchy bamboo with my sore , bare hands . I then tied it together with long luscious vines . I had decided to build a raft and try and get back to civilisation . 10th February 2014 at 4 : 35 pm Reply I think I 'm being followed It started on a hot cloudy day , resting on my very own boat with my friend Jo . We were scattering around the ocean looking for a great place to fish . We suddenly started to feel hot so we decided to go for a swim , the water was crystal clear . We were in there for a while but then we saw a gigantic splash , we thought it was a dolphin . BANG ! It started to swim as fast as lightning after us so we hurried out of the sea as quick as a cheetah , then came the chase . The sea was rough , the winds were high , and nothing could stop this wretched bull shark chasing us for ages . So then Jo and I turned the boat around and went back towards land but suddenly the engine stopped , they both started to panic . Who will survive ? 14th February 2014 at 12 : 27 pm Reply Highly educated and fascinated by storms was Dave . He was storm watching on a pier in Gran canaria . It was going to be the worst storm ever recorded ! Dave did not care , he wanted to see what the storm was to bring and how different it was to previous crashes and clapping of lightning . Unfortunately , the storm arrived later than expected and Dave was asleep on the pier . The torrential rain and gargantua wave hit the pier so hard that the end of the rickety rackety pier snapped off like a branch from a tree . Poor Dave was adrift at sea all alone ! Dave woke up in the middle of the calm crystal clear sea he could just see some land in the distance . So Dave took a piece of wood out of the raft and used it as an ore to make him go faster but suddenly a grey / white thin popped up in front of him but as I was a couple of miles away from an islands that I think is Tenerife I thought in my head it could be one of those floaty things that help to swim . So I carried on but the fin did not move at all . Then I put my head under water to see what was there and this is what I saw SHARK ! I looked at it and it gave me a cheesy grin with his shiny white teeth that were sharp as a daggers point ! Dave got back up and paddled as fast as he could to shore but he could not because disembark the raft because the shark kept on circling him . Dave decided to trick the beast by throwing his ore into the sea as a ploy for save to swim safely to the golden sandy beach . " Paddle ! " that 's the first thing that popped into my mind . I went to a shop that sells axes and bought one . I bought the axe for chopping down some bamboo . ( If you 're wondering what the bamboo was for it was for making a paddle - boat . ) When I got back to Mum I got some rope from my pocket and tied some bamboo together . " Ta - da ! " I shouted ( I had made a paddle - boat out of bamboo ! ) I said , " Bye Mum . " and then I jumped on my boat in the sea , grabbed my oars and paddled away . I paddled for about 20 minutes and then had a rest . Luckily there were no waves so I was safe . But not for long . Then the next thing I could remember was me laying on my sunbed with a great big bite on my arm all stitched up . I found my boat which was repaired and I was out again paddling away . Just as I felt more safe it started again . I got bitten … . . again ! On his raft , Bob was about to fling his cyanide barrel into the ocean when suddenly a wave came crashing down and he was carried to a mysterious island . Bob was incredibly frustrated that he started cursing and swearing at the sea . He lived on nothing else but fish and coconut milk for 15 whole years ! On new years day , Bob found 16 logs and two ropes lying about . I could use this to make a raft , Bob thought cunningly . With that he started to build a raft . It was time - consuming work but he managed it in the end . Bob had to pack all his food and some clothes to last him at least a year . Finally Bob finished all of these tasks and headed out into the tropical salty water ahead . It had been 365 whole days until he first saw the sight of glorious land ! Just then a grey fin came swimming up as fast as a cheetah . Suddenly , the mysterious creature turned out to be a shark ! The treacherous tiger shark leapt out and took a large bite out of Bob . The last thing that Bob saw was red all over him . Then his vision turned black … He woke up with a start on his raft . It was all a dream . He was safe , until a familiar grey fin started swimming at the speed of light towards him … It was a sunny , warm day , so we decided to go rafting at the sea - side , it was only us and Jack , our friend 's mother ( for all we knew ) . After about half an hour of going round to the rocks and back to the beach , I had this nagging feeling that something was following us . So I started to look back every now and then , but every time I started to turn around , there was a splash and the water was calm , Christian had also noticed it and we were starting to edge towards the shallows . The strange thing was , though that there seemed to be a dark thing behind the raft , we called it the raft 's shadow , just to stop us getting scared any more . I suddenly turned round so quickly that the ' thing ' didn 't have time to submerge ( Christian did this with me ) and we saw a shark ( fin ) . At that moment we were the most petrified human - beings on Earth ! We paddled like mad , only to find out , when we got to shore , that it was Jack with his realistic shark - suit , so that 's where he was then ! The ingenious suit had an air tank and the snorkel was cleverly fitted into the top fin ! 5th May 2014 at 9 : 31 pm Reply One glorious day a boy called Tim went to the seaside . He took a spectacular boat and a shiny , marvellous life jacket . He also took a pair of crimson goggles . He went on his boat and rowed into the deep turquoise sea . Suddenly he heard a SPLASH ! He was flummoxed . All of a sudden Tim saw a grey audacious fin ! It was immovably . This was an expedition ! … 5th May 2014 at 10 : 20 pm Reply It all began on 7th October 2000 , then I lived in Indian with my parents and my sister . One outrageous day , a mediocre and horrendous earthquake erupted so we had to recede into the sea on a wooden mat . My parents pushed me farther into the sea and that was the last I saw of them . My name is Molly Malone , although I do not really know what my real name is . I am sixteen years old and still on the wooden carpet in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean . As I sat on the mat lonely and unkempt , a massive wave suddenly gushed towards me . The sea was trembling like a leaf . ' Not another earthquake ' I thought ' . As I turned around I felt a fin as sharp as a razor . I tried paddling away but it was no use . ' Help ' I shrieked , in an instance a helicopter was hovering above me . Meanwhile , the mysterious creature was coming closer as its razor sharp teeth tried to grab me ! The helicopter seems like so far away . I tried frightening the creature off as it came closer . In an instance the helicopter arrived and I hurried in before the creature could get to me . I was relieved ! Despite nearly being eaten alive , I was as happy as lark ! Jade and Emerald have been friends since nursery and still are . They dream of living in a beautiful house together , going to the same job and doing literally everything together ! Untill now … They are in year 9 and in the same school , the same class even ! As they walk home from school , Jade notices a poster about drama - club and remembers how she longed to be an actress when she was younger and reads on , however Emerald gets impatient and asks her to hurry up , so in order to ' drag ' Jade away , she writes both of their names on the drama - club list AND the fun - run club . " Em , you KNOW I can 't run , please wipe both our names off BOTH lists , I was just reading ! " begs Jade , but Em insists , " Jay , it 's a FUN - run , I know how much you just LOVE acting and you know how much I LOVE running , so to make it fair , I chose fun - run for myself and drama for you . So , there 's drama - club on Mondays and fun - run on Wednesdays ! - Awesome ! " explains Em with glee . " Oh , please ! " begs Jay " No , no , no , no , no - this is meant to be fun , be young Jay ! " says Em and pretends to smack Jay , then swings her bag round , but Jay doesn 't move out the way , which means her hip gets hurt . Em apologises and tries to rub Jay 's hip , but Jay smacks it out of the way , Em is so startled that she just crosses the road and screams ' I don 't care ' again and again . At that moment , it just so seems that CRASH ! ! A car has hit Jay 's beloved friend ! Jay , even though she is cross with Em , she turns round to look and screams ! Em falls limply to the ground ! You may be asking ' How could Jay still care about her ? ' , but Em and Jay aren 't JUST friends , well yes they may quarrel once in a while , but they care about each other dearly ! They were such CLOSE friends since nursery and they vowed that they no matter what happened , they would still be friends all the way through their lives . They also made sure that they were there for each other , but now : " OH , IT ' S ALL MY FAULT - WE SHOULDN ' T HAVE ARGUED ! ! " Jay screams in anxiety , anger and terror and " Yes , Em - I mean Emerald - did collide with a car and … ( she burst into tears ) she didn 't make it the nurse said , when she said that , I felt that it was all my fault and I was so angry ! ! " Jay sobbed , the judge continued , " Please summarise what happened in your own words . " he said , Jay moaned " Well , … " and rushed out . She didn 't know where she was running , but she knew she wanted to talk no - more about Em 's death . She rushed out of the large , oak doors and onto the pavement , she ran across the road and when Em tried to hold her back , but her hands just slid through , CRASH , Jade lay limp while her soul rushed over to meet ghost Em . They cried and laughed then grew , golden wings and flew up to heaven . 22nd July 2014 at 1 : 24 pm Reply I walked inconspicuously so no - one ; I said no - one would guess that I killed the banker and stole one million pounds . But what I did not know was that I was being followed by a man who had seen the murder and crime I had made . So as I strolled down the street the man had called the police and before I knew it was being chased by 8 police cars . I ran , cursing angrily at the person who had snitched clutching my heavy sack of money all the way until at last I had found myself at a dead end …… . . One adventurous , sunny afternoon , Franklin a fisherman was as busy as a bee on the coast of Costa Rica , catching some salmon fishes . Suddenly an immense sea creature swam along and tilted Franklin 's minute wooden boat to the side , making Franklin fall out of his boat . Franklin was very puzzled wondering what tipped his boat over . Well it had : 8th January 2015 at 9 : 50 pm Reply The wind seemed perfect . The sky was blue , and the day was warm . What could go wrong ? But the teenager on the raft was not an ordinary teenager . He was Beck Gradler , world 's youngest survival expert . At 16 , he knew more than most other experts in a lifetime . But , the beautiful day distracted him , and the dolphins that came a bit before were lovely ; he even danced with them . He wondered why the disappeared so quickly . But he was feeling too good to notice . Then his survival instincts told him to snap out of it . The dolphins were sharper than him . A long , black triangle circled him . The Bella Senora was being circled by a shark . He immediately saw the reason . When the dolphins had come , he had danced with them and knocked the fish guts into the sea . He leaned over and scooped as much of it as he could . When he was small , he was watching some of his father 's colleagues build a boat . Giving him a knowing look , Beck 's father had poured a tin of fish guts into the sea . Within minutes , three tiger sharks were circling the boat . Beck had learnt some facts that day . One : A shark can smell a drop of blood in an Olympic - sized swimming pool . Two : A shark could go really fast . Beck had worked it out . Faster than he could manage flat out downhill on a racing bike . Three : It 's always best to stay away . The shark watched him . He had a belly that needed filling , and that blood had obviously come from that flimsy pile of logs . So he charged . Anyway I was bobbing up and down on the crystal clear sea enjoying the sunshine , when out of the corner of my eye I just happened to see something . It was big and grey and stuck up out of the water . I thought that I was just my imagination until I saw the grey thing again and suddenly panic flooded over me , the big grey thing was a shark fin ! ! I immediately thought what I was going to do - this isn 't good ! I saw a fish swimming by my raft and grabbed it out of the water . I killed it and threw it as far away past the shark as possible to enable me more time to paddle to the shore , onto the land and safety . I paddled and paddled with all my might , the muscles in my arms screaming in pain . I got to the shore and leaped onto land . I turned and watched the fish get demolished in one quick bite . Luckily the fish was dinner , not me ! It all started one summer 's day in particular because it was sunny as ever and warmer than the average , that by far , I must say . I was on holiday with my best friends Christian and Felix . We thought it a perfect day for rafting at the seaside , but Felix said he didn 't want to come so it was just Christian and I . We built a magnificent raft with lots of other attachments such as oar - holders , a cosy little cab that could only fit one person , a rudder that was controlled by the person in the cab and a ' cup filler ' that was simply a huge bottle of water , upside - down , with a valve and some plastic cups in the cab . Christian was to go in the cab for 15 minutes then I would and so on . After about an hour of going round to the rocks and back to the beach , I had this nagging feeling that something was following us . So I started to look back every now and then , but every time I started to turn around , there was a splash and the water was calm , Christian had also noticed it and we were starting to edge towards the shallows . The strange thing was , though that there seemed to be a dark thing behind the raft , we called it the raft 's shadow , just to stop us getting scared any more . I suddenly turned round so quickly that the ' thing ' didn 't have time to submerge ( Christian did this with me ) and we saw a shark ( fin ) ! At that moment we were the most petrified human - beings on Earth ! We paddled like mad , only to find out , when we got to shore , that it was Felix with his realistic shark - suit , so that 's where he was then ! The ingenious suit had an air tank and the snorkel was cleverly fitted into the top fin ! 10th April 2015 at 8 : 24 am Reply Sailing across the seas of the world , the waters were quiet , too quiet . There I was sitting on my birch - wooden raft . Attached by vines and leaves . A tide wave came down . " Somethings wrong , how can there be a tide wave when I 'm in the middle of nowhere ! ? " I looked at my leg , pouring with blood ( of course ) . I stood up . It was a shark . I did the nicest thing possible I reasoned with him . Sadly he didn 't agree and bit my leg ! So mean . Weak and cold I make my way back to shore , that boat ride was horrendous everyone had to evacuate , but there was nothing left for me . I swam as far as I could until I came to a halt , I found a bits of worn out wood I vigorously put them together . Traveling for days on an empty tummy , shore approached driving nearer and nearer I felt relieved it will all be over . But … what was that sound . I stopped . I hid . I listened . There was something swimming towards me , something with a very pointy fin it looked like an obtuse angle but I don 't know what it is … it slowly rose from the water teeth as sharp as daggers , a red blood mouth like a rose . I froze of fear a horrible struck came into my head " there is only one thing that looks like this and that is … A SHARK " It chopped my raft in one big gulp , and now he was coming for me , swimming like a penguin , I was swimming for my life this is it , I might have to call it the end . I slowly turned round treading what would happen , but there was nothing there the shark must of got caught on that ship I swam through , this was the best part of the day . And I reached the shore from swimming so fast now I can make my way back home , and enjoy something to eat . 9th July 2015 at 7 : 57 pm Reply A man called Scott was sailing through the magical , clear , aqua ocean on his makeshift raft that he built on the coast of St . Kitts , North America . He was thinking how long it would take him to float all the way to Cuba , which he could see from where he was now . For some strange reason , Scott thought he was being followed . He spun around and didn 't see anything but miles and miles of splashing water all around him . How would he make it to shore ? Scott felt the waves lap against his bare feet . Something was moving underneath him . He looked down and saw … . a SHARK ! 7th September 2015 at 4 : 58 pm Reply The shining , crystal water flowed elegantly around the ravenous mans wooden raft . While a great grand shark came up quickly behind the small raft ! However the man was unaware horribly , It all started when a impoverish , unfavorable man ( with enormous holes in his clothes ) was floating on a ancient peace of wood in the middle of the sparkling , dark , deep , blue sea . The waves , which are very peaceful , gathered around him . He didn 't know where he was so he was a BIT worried . The peaceful waves that gathered him didn 't gather him for long because a colossal , deadly shark jumped fearlessly out of the sparkling , dark , deep , blue sea looking very hungry . The impoverish , unfavorable man was nearly in tears screaming and shaking . He tried to get away but the shark followed him , he was terrified . The deadly shark bit the mans arm and THEN he got his leg . He couldn 't keep his eyes open for much longer . He was trying to stay alive but he just couldn 't do it . He struggled and struggled . He was scared he would die early after all he is only 25 years old . Dying at that age is awful . THE END ! ! ! ! ! 24th November 2015 at 8 : 56 pm Reply One extremely hot summers day a needy man who survived a terrible crash in the middle of Asia . A lovely beautiful day was here and all the violent sea creatures loved having a wondrous time eating a enormous bite of flesh from poor young animals . A stressed man rowed steadily from east to west like a fearless and brave hero . Soon a horrific dolphin came out from the deep seas searching for massive and eatable fish from beneath the surface . Sooner or later a lonely , aged migrating turtle arrived looking for dry land near the sea . The stressed and fearless man rowed all his might to reach to a busy island . A dolphin swam gently towards him like a tired swimmer . The migrating turtle followed the man as if he was creeping up someone but the dolphin reached him first and flew a sound of speaking . The man noticed both of the sea creatures and they were friendly so the man left his boat and rode on the generous dolphin and rode themselves to the most coolest island . 24th January 2016 at 12 : 30 pm Reply It was a couple of days ago when I was on a boat and something was under it . It was a SHARK ! ! " Help ! " I cried . I paddled and paddled until I got far away . BANG ! The shark head butted my boat . I fell off ! I swam and swam back to my boat so fast I couldn 't see the shark any more . I decided never ever to go out on a boat ride again ! One sunny day in Hawaii , a large raft was gliding through the water , as quietly as a mouse . There was an average - aged man named Joey Calibre on top of the raft , sunning himself . He was an altruistic , brave man who was well - known and was given great adulation from the villagers and most ordinary people . When he was sunning himself he noticed a fin cutting through the water towards him . Joey thought it was a dolphin 's fin but when he came to know that it was a shark 's fin , he jumped only a millimetre . CRASH ! Through the raft the shark sliced , turning the raft to splinters within seconds . SPLASH ! Joey leaped into the water , causing a wave which sent the shark off target . Swim , swim , swim through the water and swim , swim , swim through the water . There ! Dry land to swim to ! The situation was like a race of wild animals against man . Almost there ! The island was just ahead ! And ……………………………… arrival ! Back to safety . 24th February 2017 at 9 : 05 pm Reply On one beautiful day , when the sun was smiling , but the wind was like a hurricane , a young man was lying uncomfortably , looking at the sky ( almost left blind ) because of the sun . Suddenly , there was a weird noise ' snap ' snap ' the curious man looked over the boat into the sea oh no he pondered it was a deadly shark ! swimming in the open sea . The shark was as big as a blue whale and the monstrous shark ugly , yellow teeth were as sharp as a knife . His eyes were as big as a frisbee and the creature was incessantly swimming round in circles he was as quick as lighting and as terrifying as a lion even more . The smiling shark grabbed on the boat bang , boom . The shocked man quickly dived into the cold , ice sea and swam as fast as his little legs could take him he luckily escaped and from that day he has never gone into the sea .
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It had been more than a year and a half since Judy had last gone camping with her brother . She remembered everything he had taught her as if she had learned it only yesterday . Carl would be proud of his little sister ! Her brother had told Judy it was a hunting knife , something she would find useful when she was camping . The knife had an eight - inch blade with a wicked look about it . Judy was sure it was really some sort of combat knife . About what you 'd expect from someone who was now a Marine buck sergeant after just a year and a half of service in the Marines . Judy sighed . The problem was that her brother had gone back to Vietnam , to a place called Khe Sahn , where , according to the nightly news , a lot of fighting was going on . All she could do was pray her brother kept safe , but in Vietnam in the spring of 1967 , that was a lot to hope for . Once upon a time , hers had been a happy family . Her dad had been a gruff Italian bear , all noise and no bite . Mom had loved her children whole - heartedly , making them the centerpiece of her life . Not that the galloping liver cancer that had killed her in six brief months had cared at all what sort of mother she 'd been to her children . Ever since , day - by - day , Judy 's father had changed . Gene Bondi was still bear - like and grumpy , but it wasn 't pretend or for fun any more . He was like a bear with a sore foot ; a bear that you wanted to be very careful you didn 't rile . Her father had driven her brother Carl out - - that was the bottom line . Carl had planned on going to Arizona State after high school and studying chemistry . Except Carl looked their father in the eyes and decided that living at home wasn 't an option , so Carl had gone straight from high school to the Marines . Sure , Carl had big plans for when he finished his tour . Carl planned on going to college on the GI Bill , where he could afford his own apartment . Where he could have his own life , away from the negative influence of their father . They had done something like this back in November . Judy remembered that it had been fun , a lot of fun . It had snowed the day before they had gone up to the high country . There were two or three inches of the foreign white stuff on the ground where they parked . Three of Judy 's classmates had never seen snow before except in pictures . The group had hiked six miles deeper and two thousand feet higher into the mountains and camped in snow that was six to nine inches deep . Judy had reveled in the moans and groans of complaint from the others ! Now it was the first week of April ; they weren 't very likely to see snow this time ! In fact , it was likely to be in the mid - 90 's all weekend long , and it was possible the temperature could reach into triple digits . Judy crooked a small smile , thinking about it . Likely there would be even more complaints this time , but none of them would be from her . Carl had done a good job teaching her to camp ; Judy 's parents had , too , before her mom got sick . Judy closed her eyes , willing herself to get some sleep . Instead , Mr . MacGregor popped into her mind . At five ten , Judy was taller than just about everyone in her class , but standing next to Mr . MacGregor brought her back into perspective . Her teacher stood six four , weighed two hundred pounds and was tough as nails . He was all muscle . Mr . MacGregor had been an Army master sergeant , even though he wasn 't much more than thirty . He 'd been in Vietnam too , just like her brother . He had been a Green Beret medic ; he liked to tell funny stories around the campfire about life in the army . Mr . MacGregor also taught Outward Bound in the summer ; he was someone who 'd done a lot of exciting things in his life . Judy had watched Mr . MacGregor last fall , coming down the mountain with his cousin , after everyone else who 'd been hiking with them had called it quits . The two adults had climbed all the way to the top of the ridge and were running back , taking huge leaps and bounds through the snow . It had taken them four hours to climb up to the top of the ridge , less than twenty minutes to come back down . He 'd had fun ; she had seen it in his face , afterwards . Fun ! Imagine , an eighth grade teacher who could have fun ! For this trip , he 'd told them , he had a special treat for the class . His old commander from Vietnam , a man who 'd twice saved his life , was going to come along . A man who , Mr . MacGregor said , should have gotten a lot more than a lousy Silver Star for the last time he 'd saved him , because he 'd saved a whole lot of others at the same time . Most importantly , Mr . MacGregor 's friend had grown up in Arizona and knew everything there was to know about desert survival , and it would be very educational for them to hear him talk about it . Her friend , Becky Tomasino , joined her almost at once . Becky had the same long black hair as Judy , the same brown eyes and brown skin . Becky was four inches shorter than Judy , and was maybe thirty pounds lighter . A third girl joined them , Lydia Valenzuela . Lydia had the same black hair and brown eyes of her friends , but she was shorter than Becky and built a little heavier than Judy . Lydia didn 't smile much and didn 't then . Lydia shook her head . " Last night , we went to visit my grandfather in the hospital . He told me that he wanted me to have his guitar and he made grandmother bring it . He gave it to me , and then made me play a couple of pieces . Rodrigo . " Lydia cast her eyes heavenward . " Those are really , really hard ! " Judy could only nod . She loved to read books ; Lydia loved music . Lydia 's grandfather was dying of cancer , just like Judy 's mother had . . . only much more slowly . Judy hadn 't much interest in reading when her mother had been sick . Nor had she found anything to smile about at the time . It 's hard to see someone you love waste away to nothing and die . Judy didn 't say anything . She 'd read the entire American history book once in the fall , read this particular assignment a couple of weeks before and again the previous weekend . This wasn 't so much an old discussion , as an old joke between them . It 's hard to understand what draws people together , Judy thought . Becky was Italian , too , although in her case , both of her parents were actually Italian . Only Judy 's father 's parents had come from Italy , her mother had been from Hoboken , New Jersey . Three girls , friends since they could remember in school . All three had long black hair and brown eyes ; all three wore their hair braided down their backs . They had been friendly rivals for years to see who could grow it the longest . To see who could read the most books and who could get the best grades in school . Judy was certain that she couldn 't have better friends in the world . She knew it because at one time or another , both Becky and Lydia had helped Judy with her hair after Judy 's mother died . Long hair , particularly braided , takes a lot of time and effort to keep clean and brushed ; it wouldn 't have been possible without help from her friends . The other two fell to eating their own brown bag lunches . Judy marked the place in her book and joined the conversation . There will be , Judy thought , plenty of time to read over the weekend . Lunch ended and the three of them headed back to Mr . MacGregor 's classroom to finish out the day . The last bell rang and almost everyone was up and out of their seats ; the usual Friday afternoon rush to start on the weekend . Judy sat still , waiting for the rush to get past . She saw Mr . MacGregor give her a small smile and a nod . Becky 's box was famous , had been since about third grade . Need something ? See Becky . Scissors , glue , paper , pencils , string , pins , needles , thread , pliers , bobby pins , clothes pins ; whatever you needed , Becky would have it . Mr . MacGregor , when he needed something , would turn to Becky and say , " Does Miss Practical have . . . ? " and name what he needed . Becky was still afraid someone was going to start using that as her nickname , but Judy didn 't think it would be a problem . It was too long , if nothing else . Seeing Judy standing with her hands free , Sarah promptly handed Judy her sleeping bag . " Would you carry this out for me , Judy ? Thanks . " Sarah had instantly turned away , dealing with another minor crisis , without waiting for an answer . Judy smiled to herself . You will , Sarah , hear from Mr . MacGregor before the evening is out . You will learn a lot about how to pack a backpack , and then you will hear about what to wear when you go out into the desert . Becky also glanced at Mrs . Flowers and gave Judy a wry grin . Judy shrugged , but with a small smile . Both of her friends saw her expression and grinned too . The three of them were always talking about things between themselves . Things like what sort of clothes to wear in the desert , what they should bring along for the weekend . If they weren 't sure , none of them was shy about asking each other questions . In Judy 's opinion , some things were a lot nicer learned in a classroom or sitting , talking on the phone . Judy turned and led the way out the door , walking towards the parking lot about two hundred yards away , Becky and Lydia trailing her . Much further behind were Sarah and her mother . Mr . MacGregor was still back in the room , trying to help one of the boys reduce what he was going to bring along , although he was finishing up . There was no doubt in her mind which vehicle she was looking for . It was a van with a sign on the driver 's door that said " VALLEY STUD . " There was a man with one boot heel on the front bumper , leaning back against the hood , a Stetson pulled down over his eyes . He was wearing black jeans and a long sleeved blue - checked shirt . When Judy got closer she saw it was just a plain shirt , not a western shirt - - there were no snaps , no fancy decorations around the pockets . Judy stopped a few feet away from him , wondering what she should do . She glanced over her shoulder and saw Mr . MacGregor coming , trailed by a line of others . Becky and Lydia weren 't far off ; there was another girl Judy didn 't recognize , with Sarah and her mother , still further back . Mr . MacGregor was walking quickly towards Judy . " Tuck , " Mr . MacGregor said when he got closer , " isn 't like me . You get in Dutch with me if you don 't do your homework . Tuck doesn 't like people who are late . " Mr . MacGregor waved at Tuck . " You 'll notice Tuck can sleep standing up , on a hot Arizona afternoon , wearing long sleeves . " Judy considered Mr . Tucker for a few seconds . He was easily the most unremarkable person she had ever seen . He was about five eight , maybe 140 pounds , clear blue eyes . He didn 't have a beak nose like she and Becky did , his nose wasn 't even as large as Lydia 's . His lips were thin ; his brown hair was crew cut . He looked like some middle manager at the Western Electric plant where her dad worked . " Which of you gets to ride in luxury and comfort ? " Mr . Tucker asked . He looked at them , then at Mr . MacGregor . " Let me guess how the numbers work , Mac . Five guys and you . Six women and me . " He walked around the back of his van , opened the double doors at the rear and stepped back out of the way . Judy was right behind him , putting her pack down next to another pack frame , already there . There was a long canvas bag that Judy thought was a large tent , plus some plastic milk crates with things in them as well . Lydia had gotten into the middle seat , between the window and Sarah Flowers . Judy was sitting in the middle of the back seat , the stranger to her left , Becky to her right . It was fair , Judy thought , for her to get the middle . Normally she got a window seat , because as tall as she was , her knees would collide with the ceiling of any car she was in , if she sat in the middle . But there was no hump down the middle of the van , so it made no difference where she sat . Judy cast a mild glare towards Mrs . Flowers . Lydia should be sitting where you are . Lydia gets carsick ; she can 't sit in the back seat of a car at all . The middle was going be a trial for her , but she could probably get by . She does just fine sitting up front . Too bad you never bothered to ask . And , speaking of talking , the stranger sitting next to Judy wasn 't doing any of it either . The girl was a very large question mark in Judy 's mind . She was nearly as tall as Judy and was probably twenty pounds heavier than Judy . Not fat , but much further into the ' chunky ' class of girl . The real surprise was that Judy had absolutely no idea who the girl was . Not a clue . The girl said absolutely nothing , did nothing but stare straight ahead , not even bothering to look out the window . There was even less expression in the stranger 's face than on Lydia 's . Then there was Mr . MacGregor 's friend , who was driving . She 'd been curious about him since the first time Mr . MacGregor spoke of him . Now , having seen him , she was more curious than ever . There was an economy about the way he moved , the way he talked , that she couldn 't put a finger on , but it wasn 't just an impression . No , that was what he was like . Economical . Mr . Tucker had tried to start a conversation earlier , when he 'd asked everyone their names , but the conversation had lapsed almost at once . At least Judy had gleaned the name of the stranger , Elspeth Brenner . She didn 't recall hearing it before at school ; it would be interesting later to see if Becky or Lydia knew her . After everyone had given their names , Mr . Tucker had said , " William Tucker is the name my parents gave me , but that didn 't stop them from called me Billy when I was growing up . In Nam , Mac started calling me ' Tuck ' - - he didn 't think Billy sounded enough like what an officer 's name should be . The name caught on . So , please , call me Tuck , everyone does . " Twice after that , Judy had seen Mr . Tucker , Tuck , say something quietly to Mrs . Flowers . Once , Mrs . Flowers had turned away , rudely looking out the window . The second time she had simply ignored him . Tuck finally broke the silence , waving ahead of them at Mr . MacGregor 's car . " Mac said that some of you went with him into the mountains last fall , and this spring he wanted to bring you into the desert . This is the prettiest time of the year in the desert . " Some people saw rocks and sand , mountains and hills and thought the desert was desolate . Actually , Judy thought , the desert was dotted every few feet with bushes , mainly creosote and sage , Palo Verde trees were also frequent . Less common were ironwood trees and a few other tree varieties as well . There were all kinds of wildlife too , from bugs and lizards to deer . For the first time , Judy noticed that Mr . MacGregor was about a quarter of a mile ahead of them . If Tuck was following him , why not follow closer ? Then Judy realized that Tuck was staying just back of where the dust plume from the other car faded away . Judy realized that he was doing it so the people in the van wouldn 't have to breath the dust Mr . MacGregor 's car kicked up . Thinking that , she also realized she hadn 't seen another car for a quite a while . " Are we going to do any hiking ? " Lydia asked from her seat in the middle , next to Sarah Flowers . Lydia loved to walk , almost as much as she liked to play the guitar . Tuck laughed , but it wasn 't mean or sarcastic . " Tomorrow , we split into two groups . Those who are demented can go with Mac and cross the Verde on the cable car . Those who are sheep can follow me across the Sheep Bridge . We will all do a fair amount of walking . " Judy tried to see where they were going , but the problem with sitting in the middle of the back seat was that she had a lousy view in every direction . Judy wished she could see what Tuck was seeing right then , driving without a road . It would have been even more interesting to be with Mr . MacGregor , going across the trackless desert . Judy glanced to the side and saw when the rainbows vanished . Instead of rainbows , about forty feet away were a half - dozen men . She didn 't have a good view of them past Becky , but it was enough to see that all but one of the men were holding the reins of horses ; each man was dressed in what looked like some sort of chain mail armor shirts . The men were carrying very long rifles , slung over their shoulders . The van swerved sharply and for a second Judy could clearly see the wall of whatever they were inside , a few feet past the window . It looked like silvery mesh ; a mesh that seemed to pulse with faintly rainbow - colored light , with a vague view of the desert beyond it . A desert that shimmered and flickered oddly . Judy had time to take a breath , before the screams started . Mrs . Flowers , Sarah , and Becky from the floor . Lydia gasped , and Judy felt the girl next to her move so that her hand was down between them , trying to get into her pocket . " I 'm going outside to have a look , " Tuck explained carefully . " I want you all to sit here , quietly , while I 'm gone . Please do not freak when I take out my pistol . " He closed the door behind him , but didn 't latch it . Judy watched him stand still , looking around . After a bit , he moved , slowly circling the van , obviously looking around . He was wearing the pistol on his hip in the holster , not holding it ready . He kept his back towards the van , and never got further than a step away from it . When Tuck finished his circuit of the van , he popped his door open again . " I 'm going to fire three shots into the air . That 's a signal to Mr . Macgregor ; we seem to have gotten separated . Please don 't be alarmed . " Judy saw he was studiously looking at the rest of them , not Mrs . Flowers . It was like a little light going off over Judy 's head . Oh ! She doesn 't like guns ! She doesn 't like soldiers ! What was she doing here then , with her daughter ? A minute passed , then Tuck returned again . " I 'm going to take a longer look around . Roll down the passenger window , Mrs . Flowers . The rest of you , please open the side windows . I 'm not going to be out of sight , but if you think you need help , just beep the horn . " He waved at the steering wheel . " Just keep calm , keep cool . Please don 't get out of the van . " " I don 't know what 's happened , " Tuck said simply . " At the least , we seem to have gotten separated from Mr . MacGregor . Since I know where I am , that has to mean he 's the one lost . Think of what a fine story you 'll be able to tell on Monday ! " I 'd like to tell you I know what 's happened . I don 't know , so I 'm not going to try . " Tuck waved around them , pointing at landmarks . " The Verde River is over there . There 's Mazatzal Peak to the northeast , and over there to the southeast is Lion Mountain . So , I know where we are . I want everyone to take a few slow , deep breaths and relax . " Judy looked around , identifying the places he had pointed out . When he asked them to take a few breaths , Judy glanced towards the back of the van . It had hit a rock that was about three feet high and about that wide , leaving a crease in Tuck 's back bumper . She turned to look in front of van . She remembered them stopping , starting to back up , there in that other place . She froze . Her breathing stopped ; it seemed like her heart stopped too . About ten feet in front of the van the tire tracks appeared in the desert sand . They were clearly visible in the soft ground of the desert . And just as clear as if it was spelled out , the tracks started in the middle of a sandy spot ; there were smudges where the van had started , then a clear track back to where it had stopped . But , nothing beyond . She turned , looked behind them . They might have missed the rock the first time , but the desert sand was soft . There was just a short set of tracks where the van had rolled backward and nothing else . It looked as if the van had been dropped into the desert , rolled backwards a few feet and then had stopped . She lifted her eyes and met Tuck 's . He gave her a minute headshake . Judy swallowed . Tuck had just told her to keep her mouth shut ! Nicely , but that was the message . Why ? This was a pretty remarkable thing that had happened ! " Ladies , " Tuck spoke again , " it 's getting on towards six . In about an hour , it 's going to be dark . What I 'd like to do is put up the big tent I brought , then we can see what we can put together for dinner . " He smiled reassuringly . Tuck walked to the back of the van , and opened the rear door . " Let 's wait to get the rest of the gear out , until we get the tent up . " He reached in , picked up the tent bag one handed and lifted it clear , putting it on the ground . No one else spoke , so he smiled and gestured at Judy . " Why don 't you take charge of getting the tent sent up ? " Tuck then turned to Elspeth . " Elspeth ? " Judy took hold and lifted . Gosh ! It was really heavy ! Really , really heavy ! " I can carry this . . . about three steps , " Judy told Elspeth . " Please , would you help me carry it ? " The other girl looked at the tent , then looked at Judy . Without a word , she got a grip on the bag , and between the two of them they carried it forward . Judy aimed for a spot in the middle , put it down , and then undid the fat green clip that closed the bag . He 'd been standing looking off into the desert , towards the river . Judy was startled when he held out his hand with a short - handled sledgehammer in it . " This works for me . " " Two things for you to think about . " He gestured at the tent . " You should all get together and help put up the tent . The desert gets chilly at night ; working together you can get it up quickly . " Some of you are going to feel the urge at some point to go off into the bushes . " There were a few blushes , but Judy wasn 't one of those who did . " Don 't go by yourself . Go in a group . Don 't go anywhere by yourself and don 't go anywhere more than a few steps from the van without telling either Mrs . Flowers or myself where you are going and how long you are going to be . " You 've all seen the ' Think Ahead ' sign where the last few letters are jumbled . Well , think ahead , ladies ! If you decide to do something , stop ; take an extra second or two , think about what you want to do . Maybe discuss it with a friend . " He waved a ways off . " There 's a small gully over there , and a clump of bushes just over the edge . I 'm going to visit the bushes with my trusty shovel and dig a small latrine pit . It will smell a lot better if , after you use it , you put a little dirt in the hole . " To Judy 's surprise , Elspeth laughed . " Yeah , that works ! " She pointed to Lydia and Becky . " Would you give us a hand with this ? " Elspeth started tugging on the heavy canvas , until it was pretty tight at the next corner . Judy hammered in another stake . " Sarah , why don 't you get more of the stakes out , and put them next to each loop ? " Judy asked , and the girl nodded her head and went to get some . When Judy was about half done , Becky took the hammer and she pounded in stakes for some of the ropes . It took only a half hour before they were done putting up the tent . Judy was quite pleased with the job they 'd done . It was a really nice tent , large , spacious and with lots of headroom . Tuck returned from his explorations . He 'd glanced at Mrs . Flowers who was sitting inside the van , the door open . Judy couldn 't read anything from his face , but she doubted if he was happy . Then Tuck had checked the tent , then went to work making a fire pit about twenty feet in front of the tent . When everyone gathered around to talk about what to eat , Mrs . Flowers finally joined the rest of them . Tuck produced a large pot and it was decided to dump in a couple of cans of chicken soup along with some other vegetables people had brought . Tuck added a half - pound of rice as well , after everything else . Tuck handed Mrs . Flowers a large wooden cooking spoon , but the woman shook her head , giving the spoon instead to Sarah . The three of them were off to one side , no one else close . " What happened ? " Becky asked . " I landed on the floor , I didn 't see much of anything . " " On the right side I could see a half dozen men . Most of them were leading horses . They looked like soldiers from the Middle Ages or maybe conquistadors . They had armor ; their horses had armor . They were carrying what looked like guns of some sort . Long ones . " Judy nodded . " I 'd wonder too , except that when Tuck was pointing out things , the one thing he didn 't point out was the road we drove here on . " Judy could see mild skepticism on Becky 's face , more so on Lydia 's . " I think we should be careful , " Judy told them . For a change , it was quiet Lydia who spoke . " The alternative is to trust Mrs . Flowers . " Judy snickered and Becky shook her head , acknowledging that had been a stupid idea . Finally , it was well after dark and everyone was sitting around the fire , the three friends mostly talking amongst themselves . Lydia pulled out her guitar and played some simple songs . Judy wasn 't unhappy with that , because Lydia knew a lot of songs , some of them pretty complicated , but all of them nice . Mrs . Flowers mainly talked to Sarah ; Elspeth sat off to one side , there was almost a visible wall of thorns around her . Tuck sang along and then spent some time talking with Judy , Becky and Lydia . School stuff mostly , nothing about what had happened . Judy watched Tuck a lot . She could see him thinking . His eyes would go around the area every few minutes . Twice , he went away from the fire , returning after a few minutes with wood . But Judy didn 't think that was the only reason he went out . Tuck ostentatiously checked his watch . " I know it 's just nine , " he spoke a little loud , over the crackling of the fire . " I think , though , you should go to sleep early so we can get an early start back to Phoenix , first thing in the morning . We 'll have breakfast and then get going . If Mr . MacGregor and the others are in trouble , we have to get people looking for them , as soon as possible . " Judy stared at him intently as he spoke . Why was she sure that it wasn 't Mr . MacGregor who needed rescue ? They were sitting around a crackling campfire ; there was no wind to speak of and the smoke was going straight up . Everyone had eaten a nice dinner ; there was a nice tent to sleep in , everyone had warm sleeping bags to sleep in . You 'd think they were pretty safe . Yet , in her bones , Judy didn 't think so , not for a minute . Tuck smiled . " I 'll give you a Coleman lantern for light to get ready for bed , but remember , when it 's on , you can sort of , almost , see through the canvas . There will be a flashlight just inside the door of the tent too , so that if you get up in the middle of the night , you can find your way . You 'd be smart to wake someone else up to go with you . Judy looked ; indeed she could see the moon coming up , although it looked more like a half moon than a full moon . She swallowed ; then swallowed hard again . It was like before , when she 'd noticed the tire tracks . When Judy had left for school this morning , the moon had been full and just setting . Tonight it was late to rise and was in the wrong phase . Tuck handed Mrs . Flowers the lantern , the movement snapping Judy back to the moment . Why did he say you could see through the canvas with the light on ? Judy was intimately familiar now with the tent ; at most you could see a vague shape through the heavy material . Then Judy remembered her flush of embarrassment . Tuck had said that so that they wouldn 't take their clothes off ! Everyone was going to sleep fully dressed , after what he said ! Judy grinned to herself . That had been tricky ! Eventually , Judy gave up and went outside , standing near the entrance to the tent . The fire was out , quite out . Tuck had even put dirt on the fire ; there was no hint of life from it , only a faint smell of smoke . Even with the half moon , there was enough light to see fairly well . She saw Tuck standing as he had been when she 'd first seen him this afternoon , his foot cocked back against the bumper of the van . This time though , he was looking upwards into the sky , not sleeping under his hat . " I don 't know . I know a lot of things , but that I don 't know . " He pointed to the southeast . " Over there , I should be able to see the cable crossing on the Verde . I can 't see it . I should be able to see Horseshoe Lake over there ; all I see is the river . " He waved to the northeast . " Up there should be the Sheep Bridge . It 's not much of a bridge , but here there 's no bridge at all . " Again he gestured , this time back south . " I 've been coming up here since I was your age . All those years I 'd look south and see the sky glow from Phoenix . Over the years it has steadily grown brighter ; tonight it 's gone . " Judy looked south ; there were stars there , right down to the horizon . She 'd seen the skyglow from the city herself ; it wasn 't there tonight . She scanned around the horizon ; there were no lights that she could see at all . Just the moon , slowly rising higher into the sky . It was going to set much earlier than it had yesterday , too . She closed her eyes and sighed . " I saw the tire tracks , " Judy said , her voice a whisper . " I can 't believe my own eyes . Yet , here I am . Here we all are . " " Something happened , " he agreed . " I don 't know what , in spite of having seen - - something . I don 't understand what I saw , so finding a good explanation . . . " He shrugged . " Still , like you say , here we are . " " Mr . MacGregor was always saying when he teaches math , two plus two always equals four , no matter how big you make two . Here , we have X . Two plus something equals X . This time , I think it 's a really big something , because X is really strange . " " I 'm not even a little tired . Why don 't you rest a bit , and I 'll watch ? I promise I 'll wake you up if I get sleepy . " " ' Don 't get killed , ' Mac told me , ' you seem like a nice guy , pretty smart . If you get killed , I 'll have to train me someone else . " Tuck was silent for a moment . " I didn 't get killed ; I did learn a lot of things from Mac . " He chuckled . " Including how to delegate . Don 't push it , Judy . " Judy looked at Tuck for a second and then shook her head . She couldn 't imagine being able to sleep standing like that . Yet Judy was sure he was asleep , she was also sure it had been something he learned in Vietnam . That led Judy to wonder about her brother . She had a terrible feeling about Carl ; she didn 't think he 'd told her the truth about what it was like over there . " Get some sleep , Judy , " he told her as she got close , before she could speak . He pushed his hat back , glanced up at the moon . " Two and a half hours until dawn . Don 't rush waking up . " He stretched and yawned , and then grinned at her . " Let 's just say that it can mean long , long , hours . " He sighed , looked up at the clear stars . " Mac promised me a vacation for a couple of days ; I was pretty frazzled , I needed it . Then this . . . " He reached out , touched her shoulder for a brief second . " Thanks , Judy . " In the morning , at first , the stirrings of the others didn 't bother Judy , but the smell of smoke and cooking bacon changed that a little later . She got up , contemplated changing clothes . Then she decided , why bother ? Instead , she did something she hadn 't done yesterday and should have . She pulled the knife her brother had given her out of her backpack and strapped it to her belt . As she and the others were finishing up breakfast , Tuck spoke to them . " I am going on a longer look see . I 'll be gone about an hour . You will all stay here ; you will all listen to Mrs . Flowers and do whatever she asks you to . Above all , don 't wander around ! " He simply shook his head . " I have no idea . Something has happened , that 's for sure . I don 't know what . I do know that we 've become separated from Mr . MacGregor . I want you to take the tent down while I 'm gone , put it back in it 's bag and then put it and everything you have , back in the van . As soon as I get back , we 'll go . " Tuck looked her right in the eye . " Mac has a stable of practical jokes , I 'll grant you that . For the most part , they consist of things like letting you taste the water from a barrel cactus . You 've all heard about drinking water from a barrel cactus ? " Tuck laughed at them . " Let me tell you , don 't do it ! First off , it 's illegal these days . Secondly , once you 've tasted it , you might well consider dying of thirst a nicer alternative . It 's pretty awful . Tuck looked at her seriously and answered her the same way . " I have a van , not a four - wheel drive . I need to find the road and then I need to find a way to get to the road without getting stuck . You folks finish breakfast and then start getting things ready to go . I 'll be back inside an hour . Like yesterday , if you need anything , beep the horn . " He came up , looked around , nodded to them . " I can 't find the road , " he said simply . " So , I scouted a way about a mile south , and I can see another mile or so past that . We 'll mount up and go as far as we can . Then I 'll look around again . Please , try not to drink anything unless you absolutely must . " " Tuck ? " Elspeth had been standing off to one side , mostly not paying much attention to Tuck . When she spoke , everyone turned to look at her .
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Jimmy found me in a few days and said he would like to take me to Red River where had lived off and on for many years . He said he thought I would fit in well there , but that I should just go there and live and get acquainted with people to see how I did with the theater people . He said movie people were mixed up with them , but they were mostly theater people , well read , articulate , the kind I would probably have enjoyed in my youth had I been born among them . The fact that I had been the daughter of a cattle rancher who lived in a remote area in a western state was the anomaly that made the difference . He said these people were always studying what caused the tragedies in people 's lives , which is why he found them helpful . They had reached out to him after his early demise and tried to make up some for all he had lost out on by dying so young . He said he put me in a somewhat similar category as himself . I had not died , but had been the victim of a crippling physical condition that kept me a prisoner in the environment in which I had been born . It was my fate just as dying young had been his fate . He said he thought I was a gifted writer and would have been readily accepted by the most talented people in the world , had I been in a position to move about freely among them . I protested that I would probably have never been able to do that , since I was a woman . He said , I know , I know , it is tougher for women to become successful writers , but let us not argue about that now , just go and stay in Red River for a while and see what happens . I had been in Red River for about a week before I got into a notable conversation . I would go out and sit in the park where I was apt to encounter people . I was doing everything I could to attract the attention of someone . Finally a gentleman , white haired , rather handsome , about my age , sat down beside me , one day . " I see you are new here , " he said . " I understand that you are one of Jimmy 's friends . He told a few of us about you and said you had lived a difficult life , so he was bringing you here for a recovery period . He said you wrote plays . " " I don 't require that people be famous before I talk to them , " he laughed . " It is enough for me that you are here . I intend to find out for myself what you are about , although I admit Jimmy rather piqued my curiosity with what he said about you . Do you have family ? " " I haven 't looked up most of my family , " I said , " as I think it would take a long time for us to become compatible . We always disagreed . I disagreed with practically every family member I have , " I added . " I could not meet up with one of them without getting into some kind of big argument . " " Really ? " said the man . " By the way , my name is Perry . But I am intrigued . You argued with all your family , even the older ones ? " " Really ? " Perry kept saying . I looked at him sharply . " Didn 't you disagree with your family ? " I asked . " I thought anybody who did any serious writing had trouble with their families . " " Oh , because my novels were always about unacceptable behaviors . In my first novel , the heroine marries a man who comes through town , very handsome and charismatic , who is roaming around the United States seeing all the beautiful out of the way places . He is a very talented jazz musician , but unfortunately he is a bisexual , which the young heroine does not realize until she insists on accompanying him to the city to live , and sees him under different circumstances and after they have had four children . " " Well , of course , she decides that she can 't stay married to him even though he promises her he will try to be faithful to her if she is willing to have about six more children . He thinks it will take that many to motivate him to break these old bad habits . But she does not trust him and tells him to go . Besides during one of the intervals when he is away in the city for a number of months , she falls in love with another man who is visiting his brother . The novel ends with the beginning of that romance , although I hate to say it , I think she will find out he is a bisexual , too . " In spite of himself , Perry began to laugh . " I hope you don 't mind my laughing at such a woeful tale , but I couldn 't help it with your twist at the end . You really do not have a lot of faith in man - kind do you ? " " I wanted Marlon Brando to play the jazz musician , " said Shadra , " I kept trying to contact him telling him about this great part I had for him . I could just see Marlon working for the girl 's grandfather as this jazz musician character , learning the ways of the rancher . The grandfather character just loves men from the outside world and is always hiring transients to work for him . He loves the jazz musician who seduces his granddaughter when she is only fifteen years old . " I ignored him and went on talking about Marlon Brando . " You know Marlon Brando 's signature movie was " One - Eyed Jacks " the title of which I took to mean he was crippled some way . He kept full control over that movie and took months to make and edit it . So don 't you think the relationship he had with Karl Malden , his partner - in - crime character , was far more significant than any relationship he had with a woman in that movie ? That innocent little Mexican girl he took up with , oh , she reminded me of the character in my novel , except she was even more painfully naive . She was no match for Brando . Her character did not carry enough weight . Of course , Brando would never have taken the part in my novel because I was too explicit about the bisexuality . He felt he needed to protect his career in the movies to some extent . It was my perception he did not feel you could call a spade a spade in Hollywood . You could all but call it a spade , but you had to fall short of the truth , so we disagreed before we ever met . " " I have no desire to see him , " I said . " I long since stopped being fascinated with him . It is going to take him a long time to become a decent human being again . He compromised , you know , in spite of himself . I don 't want to talk about what he did to disillusion me , but I would not be able to get along with him either , I know . " Perry said , " Well , my first novel was my big success , and then after that I somehow lost the hang of it . I was never able to write a best seller again . So success did not ruin me , it just gave me enough of a taste for high living that I could never go back to being what I was before . I just kept riding on that one success , while of course , doing lesser writing projects to keep the wolf from the door and and to keep hanging out with the rich and famous . I don 't know whether I have proved worthy of your company or not , but I find you too amusing to fight with . Doesn 't it ever occur to people that you say stuff for shock value , but if you have a good sense of humor , which I do , you are a great conversationalist . Why you have said more in our first conversation than most ordinary people do in a month of Sundays . " " Next week , I would like to take you to meet a woman friend of mine , Bella . I am sure you will find Bella to be quite a trip . Are you willing to take a chance ? " I had figured out that if I wanted to see somebody I just thought about them very intensely and they were apt to show up . I wanted to tell Jimmy Dean that I had found out where my dad was . I wanted to get Jimmy 's advice on how to look for the best hereafter for me . James did not seem surprised when I told him that my cousin Pace had told me my dad was living in the hereafter for gay men . He said that he spent quite a lot of time talking to bisexuals , too , in that hereafter who had been molested as he had been when he was just a young boy . Elizabeth Taylor , the famous movie actress , released a statement not long before she died I had also read that in a long confidential talk James Dean told her , when they starred together in his last movie , that a pastor who was supposed to be helping him after the death of his mother molested him . He must have been an adorable young boy . I felt very bad for him when I read that . I had not been privy to this information when I was talking to him in his spirit form after he was killed , but I knew that something had precipitated his death in the car wreck . Otherwise his natural instincts would have kicked in and kept him from keeping a date with death at such a young age . I did not think that anything happened purely by chance . Jimmy said yes , it was true , that he knew that he was very fragile and that becoming a famous movie star might possibly be the death of him , and it was . I believed him because I had always known that I was no longer strong enough to be a mother plus a famous playwright , too . I thought becoming a mother would be more fulfilling and a sure thing , so I chose to be a mother and let my ambition to become a famous playwright go , even though I thought I was capable of writing some powerful plays . Jimmy said during our talk that he thought Tyrone was very talented , too , but he would have to go very easy or he could easily lose his life , trying to become too famous . He said some people were destined not to be able to take the harsh spotlight of notoriety which could be very dangerous . He said he thought Tyrone would be all right if he just did not aim too high . I told Jimmy I thought my dad had been drawn into sexual activities with older males , probably when he was very young , since he tampered with alcohol and tried to be tooJimmy said no , they would probably seek some kind of religious heaven where homosexuality was thought to be a grievous sin . I had been so young when I perceived my dad 's split due to the whole experience of being molested by one of his ' friends , that I had learned to accept it , but I knew my sisters did not accept it and doubted whatever evidence I offered , which was circumstantial , but there had been quite a lot of that . I did not want to catch my father in a sexual act with a male , and I hadn 't , but I had still seen enough to convince me that he had a problem in this area . But I was very tired of arguing with my sisters about this subject , and I just wanted to go to a hereafter where I would not be expected to argue and fight with anybody . I asked Jimmy if that was possible . He said he thought so , because of course heaven was not a place for family fights . He wondered if I could tolerate any family disagreements at all , even mild ones . I said I doubted that we would ever be able to agree about this subject , as it was a difficult one . And the worst thing about being molested was probably the role my dad played in bringing the guy around . He made him jealous and angry one day and he saw me and decided to take revenge . He dragged me off down around the hill and hid me in the corn where I experienced probably the worst experience in my life . I was barely more than a baby and was sexually attacked by an ugly older man about forty . He didn 't physically harm me during any of the three times he abducted me , but he had left scars on my soul and emotional trauma that was still giving me problems mainly because of this man 's relatively temporary connection to my dad . I decided not to tell my dad who I thought would take his gun and try to murder him , if possible . A man would be dead and he would be the murderer which I thought would be bad for the family . Jimmy said he had told very few people about being molested , obviously , as he thought if such an experience came to light his career in the movies would be over as produ " There was a lot of speculation about whether you might be a young bisexual , " I told him . " I was like you . Every place I thought to go hurt my head . I found my mother but I still could not understand why such terrible things happened to both of us . So I can understand why you need a particular place to go , tailored to your needs . " " That is right . Every member of a family has a different experience . The dad they experienced is not going to be the dad you perceived , so in order not to quarrel about who is right , family members just might have to agree to disagree and accept separation as a family . " " I don 't see any other solution , " I said , " which is why I did not go and try to find my dad . I am not eager to talk to any member of my family if all we are going to do is fight about what happened back then . That goes for aunts , uncles , cousins , grandmas , grandpas . Anybody I think I might get into a big disagreement with I would rather not see . " " I can certainly understand that , " said Jimmy , surprisingly . " The fighting has to stop sometime . It is more important that you rest from fighting than it is for you to be a family . This happens more often than you think . Parents get to fighting . They separate . So it is natural for their kids to have huge disagreements , too , siding with one parent or the other , or with neither . " " I am weary to the bone with family fighting , " I said . " I lived with a lot of different members so it is unbelievable how many of my family I have had disagreements with ! " " I will look around , " said Jimmy , " and see if I can find a place where you might go to get rejuvenated . If you have been living in a mixed society of the religious as well as skeptic family members , you have experienced probably one of the most contentious societies possible . We are well aware that people are coming here , battle weary , and tired . Needing rest from constant conflict . Keeping that in mind , I will try to find some answers , and will let you know when I think I have found a place for you to go . " Jimmy left me somewhat puzzled about what he could possibly do for me , but he seemed confident he could come up with something . I was alone again . Still nervous and unable to think of anything I could do , I just sat . And finally I must have dozed off . . . . . It is funny how reality in the hereafter is so different from hype . But of course people are going to different places , including what could be referred to as hell . I thought of the Camp of the Resisters as the most horrifying place I had seen in the hereafter so far . I just hoped few of my outlaw relatives had landed there . It was bad enough to think Terrance was there after all the work I had put in to him . How long he would be there I did not know , or if he would succeed in destroying himself completely as he seemed bent on doing . I was going to have to go out there again one of these days and see if there was any change in the blank expression on his face . As I was walking down the street in the city of Phoenix with me hardly even realizing it , my surroundings changed to another place I could not readily identify , but one of the first people I saw that I knew was my cousin Pace from my dad 's side of the family . I just ran into him on the street , so I must have been looking for somebody like him , unconsciously . I was really relieved to see Pace , who was about two years older than I was . We had punched cattle together for our Grandfather McDermott who we called Grandpa Mc . If Pace had stayed out of the Camp of the Resisters there was hope for some of my other McDermott relatives as he drank quite a lot . I think he even died of an alcohol related cause . " Pace , I am glad to see you ! How is your dad ? " ( His dad Jed was my my dad 's oldest brother ) What did that mean ? I was sure his dad had spent some time in hell . He had been found dead , a suspected suicide in his early fifties . Surely that qualified him for some years there , but how exactly were people sentenced ? Did they sentence themselves , or did it just happen ? None of that was clear to me yet . " Is Eddie here ? I mean do you see him often ? " Eddie was his older brother I knew even better than I did Pace , since he had worked on Grandpa 's ranch when I was in my teens . I had also seen him more in later years , since he came home on vacations and stayed longer than Pace ever did when he came , probably because Eddie was single and unattached . " I see him and Gordon both , " said Pace . Gordon was still another brother who had died in his early twenties , a very tragic alcohol related death . " Did you have to serve a term in hell ? " I said boldly . Pace looked startled . " Of course , " he said . " All of us drinkers are bound to go there , but I am out now . " " Out of hell ? What is it like ? A prison ? " " Naw , " said Pace laughing . " I just sentenced myself to some serious thinking when I got over here . I had already quit drinking quite a few years before I passed . Gordon and Eddie told me what they did when they got over here , so I sort of let them guide me . That 's one good thing about having older brothers . Have you seen your sister Coral ? " " Oh yes , she was with me quite a few days , but there is so much to learn . She has a job she thinks is very important that she had to get back to , so I am pretty much on my own now . Have you seen my dad ? " " Uh , no , " said Pace , looking at me in a way that I found hard to decipher . I decided to face the worst if I could find it out from him . " Is he in the Camp of the Resisters ? " " Oh that camp , " said Pace . " I have heard of that place . No , but I think he is in a place where I don 't usually go . " " I 'll say . It is very big . What would your dad be doing there ? Was he gay ? " " He certainly never admitted he was . " I sat down as I felt all the air had gone out of my lungs . This was a killer conversation I was having with Pace , the like of which I had never had with any of Daddy 's relatives while we were all alive . I just did not know what to say to Pace , where to take this . Pace seemed to know it was time to go . He got up and said , " I need to go somewhere , but it was great running into you , Shadra . I am sure Eddie would really like to see you . Gordon would , too , although you were probably too young to remember him very well . My two sisters are here , too . And my youngest brother Denny , who died of pneumonia when he was just a little kid . We are all here now but Teresa . She might live to be a hundred the way she is going . She never took up smoking or drinking like the rest of us , who didn 't know any better . " " Thanks for filling me in , Pace , " I said . " I am glad I ran into you . " My son Tyrone was the only one who had ever produced one of my plays besides me . When I was still young and strong enough I took one of my plays on the road to several towns besides my hometown . That was so exciting ! How I loved it , but there are many people who never get a chance to realize their dreams . They must be without number . I bought a Sunday newspaper and read the theater reviews . I imagined my own play , Daughters of the Shadow Men , being featured in such a newspaper . The one play that Tyrone produced had merited had merited a bad review in this paper . Well , that play had been all about being poor and living on welfare . I supposed that it had been too grim for the critics . I recall the critic said , ' the subject of struggling with poverty cries out for great plays to be written about it , but unfortunately this play is not the one we have been waiting for . ' The critic pasted a big prominent one star ( out of a possible 5 ) above the review for the whole city to see . I was so mortified I wished that I could have just deleted the whole experience of being reviewed and featured in the paper from my consciousness . Well , possibly it was a little bit my fault , maybe some of Tyrone 's , but it had not been as memorable an experience for me as I had hoped for , even though I thought everyone 's intentions were good , Tyrone 's , mine , and the cast 's . And that ended my short and not very notable career as a playwright in this city . Playwrights with new plays were still not faring very well . Tyrone was directing a new play written by a New York actor he had once cast in one of his plays he produced , probably his most successful farce in those years . I thought the actor was very good in his part , and the reviews were , for a change , quite good . Now years later , the actor was partially disabled and unable to act any more , so he was writing plays instead . I hoped to be able to see the play . As for Tyrone , he had not done a play here in this city for years . He had gotten so sad and disillusioned with the reception to his immortal works that he left the city . Was it a good city for plays or a bad city ? Well , it wasn 't New York and it wasn 't Los Angeles . My sister Deanna wanted Tyrone to come to San Francisco where she was sure his plays would have great success . She said those people knew theater . They would appreciate what he could write . Tyrone did not have the money to go to San Francisco . His truck looked like one its eyes had been knocked cuckoo . There was a dent in the fender . He could hardly afford car insurance for it let alone a newer vehicle . The last one he tried to buy had to be repossessed . Poverty was now hitting Tyrone where he lived . He had even talked about checking out the homeless centers , but Rafe agreed to let him stay to his house while he directed this play . But it was plain even Rafe was getting impatient with his brother 's hard times . He had even mentioned he should get a real job like he had to do , years before . Hard times were palpable everywhere , especially for entertainers . People couldn 't afford to pay a lot for their entertainment now days , but it did not seem like times had ever been flush for a woman playwright like me . They had been better for Tyrone , handsome , charismatic and male , who could act , direct , and write . It was a good thing I had died . Maybe Tyrone could get declared either mentally ill or a broken down old physical wreck and take my place in the old LeGrand Hotel . But it was even harder to get federal disability benefits now than it had been when I got them through being certified chronically mentally ill . Tyrone needed to act a little more nuts , possibly , so he 'd at least qualify in a few years . People thought he was nuts all right to try to become a famous playwright still , after all these years , but would that satisfy the feds ? Their qualifications for chronically mentally ill may have gotten more stringent . Tyrone would say that he was magnificently insane , but I doubted that would impress them . Would it make him feel better if he knew that the once famous James Dean was going to produce my play in the hereafter , maybe even to that big theater where he had taken me that night in my dream ? I knew I had traveled to the beyond in my spirit form , because I could feel myself going and coming back . I recall sitting in the theater , feeling so excited and satisfied . Well , maybe they didn 't make such a big fuss about recognition in the hereafter . Surely people weren 't so shallow after having gone through their own deaths . Maybe they were just a little bit more humble and inclined to share . As for me , everyone had given up on my plays since I had gotten too old and decrepit to promote them at all any more . Now Jimmy was telling me that my career in the spotlight was just going to begin ! How could that be . He had been cut down when he was so young . Surely people did not get famous in the hereafter . That did not sound right . I would hardly be able to endure the hereafter if it was going to have all the same old crowd being famous , but if I didn 't want to be famous what did I want to be ? I felt like crying again , and decided I had to go back and see what Tyrone was thinking , even if that dratted dog of his did see me . She was part border collie . Tyrone said he was her sheep herd . He was her job , so anything that affected him she was going to react to if she could . " I miss Mom so much , " he said , shedding a tear . " I hope she is getting her plays done in heaven . I wish now I had done more of her plays , but I just could not get them done . Now I will never have the chance to see her smiling face when I produce one of her plays . She wanted me to do her play " Daughters of the Shadow Men " the worst way , but I was frankly afraid to do that play . Nobody was going to touch it . We have got her memoir Daughters of the Shadow Men but she left instructions that if necessary not to published it for 100 years after her death ! It might take a hundred years to cool that memoir off . What is it about ? Oh , outlaws . Mom was the daughter of a guy who was kind of like the western mafia . You do not tell their secrets if you are smart . She was always afraid she was going to get killed . " I sat down in the chair , trembling . Jilly raised her head , gave me a look , and decided not to make an issue out of me being there . She acted like well , okay , you are back , you are his mother , so no matter how spooky you are I guess it is my job to accept and not to question why . Whoever was on the other end of the line must have laughed , thinking that Tyrone was just kidding as usual , but he was not in a way . Daddy did have criminal tendencies , but I was not afraid he was going to kill me when I was young , I was afraid he would try to kill anybody who hurt me , and he wasn 't the best shot in the world , so it was not certain who would die if guns got involved . Later , of course , Daddy tried to shut me up every chance he got , in the way of those old western outlaws . Everybody was an outlaw in those days , even the religious ones . After polygamy was introduced Mormonism was called a cult . Daddy wasn 't a polygamist , far from it , but some of my other ancestors had been . I was only trying to tell a true story about what I had witnessed growing up in such a wild west among a bunch of outlaws . " No , " said Tyrone on the phone . " I would never do her play by that name . I didn 't tell her that , but nobody wants to see a play like that , even if somebody dared to produce it . They are going to have to be brave even to produce it in the hereafter . " Was Tyrone nuts ? He was trying to make this story sound so terrible it could not even be told . Daddy was just human . As long as people were human their stories could be told . But what if Daddy was in the Camp of the Resisters ? He had shown no sign of reforming in his last days on earth . He was defiant to the last , still shutting me up , still trying to control me . What if he had never changed ? Poor Daddy . What if he had become like those other hollow eyed men I had seen in the Camp of the Resisters . I thought he was about as hard core resistant as anybody I knew to change , reformation , repentance , what have you . He was like flint stone , cold and mean when he got his back up . Just an ordinary old tough as nails westerner . Mafia . Well , he wasn 't a cold blooded killer like the mob . But what did happen to those people given to so much resisting , that you despaired they could ever act like you and me ? I felt I had a mission on earth , I had been sent into hell to try to see if anything could reach this man . What did he mean ? He never said . He shut up and never said a thing like that ever again . It was no wonder I was afraid to see him again . What if I looked the old devil right in his mean red eyes , when I come face to face with my dad once again . I swore that I would never talk to him again , if he did not back down and start talking to me with respect instead of contempt and willfulness . He told me something else years after I got disabled that I never forgot , during his last year on earth , " As far as I am concerned , you have landed in the gutter . " What he meant was that I was a complete loser . I had never accomplished anything , and could not even work at anything he respected . " All you can do is sling hash ! " I felt despair over him being so cruel . He could not acknowledge disability in a daughter . She was just lazy . She did not want to work . She certainly had not done what he had done , made a million dollars to leave to his heirs when he was gone . With sheer will and hard work , he implied . So all he had for me at the end were sneers . Well , I could hardly avoid him forever now that I was in the hereafter , but I was sure going to have to work up my nerve to see what had become of him . I was so distracted I could no longer pay attention to what Tyrone was saying . I couldn 't tell him my news anyway , but he had picked up on it . He did say that he hoped someone was going to produce my plays in the theater in the hereafter . What more could I expect of him ? I wandered out and down the street . Wondering where to go now . Pretty soon I was lost . I turned and saw the sun setting . Just then I saw a man on a horse riding my way . I started running away from him . I turned back and he had disappeared . No , he wasn 't going to bother me if I did not want to be bothered . There was still time to think about and prepare for that fateful meeting day . I left the LeGrand Hotel where I had lived around seventeen years among the aging and disabled . It was a government housing complex which had also become known for the number of chronically mentally ill who had been able to find homes there . I had to be certified as mentally ill in my fifties since it was too hard for medicaid doctors to diagnose chronic fatigue syndrome which I appeared to have rather than any serious mental illness . I was far too good a novel writer and playwright I thought to be nuts , although it could be argued that all writers are insane . At the time I was in need of being certified I had collapsed and had hardly been able to walk around for months . I had gone from walking as high as five miles a day to barely being able to walk across the street . I still had my car , fortunately , as it had not been stolen from me yet . The doctor who first treated me said I had tested positive for mono but not too a high degree . He had warned me , however , that mono was treacherous and not to overdo , but after a year he lost all patience with my claims that I still was not well and said he would certify me as temporarily disabled one more time in order to qualify for welfare benefits since my job benefits had run out . But only if I would see a psychiatrist as I should have long since recovered from mono ! No ! I had been talking to a number of people who said they had had great difficulty recovering from mono , some of whom were scared to death of it , since they had gotten it a second and even a third time when most doctors thought it was only possible to have it once . Maybe I had chronic mono , but I could not find any doctor who believed that was possible . I thought well , I could tell my life story and I thought I could make a case for mental illness if I had to . Since I had nearly died in a mental hospital . That very rarely happened , so I must have been extremely mentally ill . I had not even realized that mental illness could kill . I accepted the fact that I became extremely mentally ill while I was in the psych ward . In fact , I was so ill , that the doctors let me go home , thinking I needed to go to another kind of hospital if I was going to die on them . Dying of mental illness was so rare they just were not prepared to care for someone mortally crazy . My room mate died the second night I was in the psych ward , and that quite upset the staff , but she had cancer , and had transferred to the psych ward to see if she could find someone to talk to . She seemed to have an idea that psychiatrists offered talking services in the mental wards , but complained to me all one day that nobody would talk to her , they were all too busy , and she was going to die without the help she needed . I just was not up to the electric shock therapy they were treating all the mentally ill with in those days . I had already had a bad enough bout of chronic fatigue I thought I was going to die , so I was afraid that electric shock therapy would be the worst possible treatment from someone suffering from it . Of course most doctors would tell you they didn 't believe in CFS , especially in those days , and mental patients were always trying to get out of shock treatments . Most of them hated it . So they were just going to go ahead and schedule me for a few anyway , despite my objections . My parents signed the papers . They were all set to go , but the very thought of shock treatment threw me into such a severe bout of chronic fatigue it nearly killed me . I had planned my funeral during the last severe bout I had . What did they expect ? I made a believer out of them . They scheduled me for release in about ten days , requiring no treatment what so ever , just to make sure I recovered from what happened when they started talking about giving me shock treatment . They acted responsibly . They studied me but covered any possibility of a lawsuit just in case by requiring me to sign a paper I had entered the psych ward voluntarily , which as a matter of fact , could not have been further from the truth . I figured if they required me to sign such a paper they were confused , too , about what was really wrong with me . I took pity on them and signed the paper before they changed their minds about letting me go . So there was no question I had something seriously wrong with me , which could just as well be called chronic mental illness as chronic fatigue syndrome . There was no known test that could clearly detect what had come to be known as CFS , and psychiatrists had to make educated guesses about who was really mentally ill and who wasn 't . I didn 't mind being certified as mentally ill if it would keep me off the streets , homeless , pushing a cart , because I was too weak to work . I was walking in downtown Phoenix , Arizona thinking about all this when I noticed I had come to the big downtown theater complex . I could tell it was the theater building by the life size sculptures of dancers placed around the grounds . A man was sitting on one of the outside benches I thought I recognized . When he called me by my nickname , " Shadow ! " I was positive I knew him . When I got up close I saw that the man was James Dean , still very handsome but about my age , who had died in that awful car crash years ago when he was only 22 and was mourned world wide because he was thought to be at the top of his game as a young actor , sure to have a great career in the movies . " Shadow , how good to see you ! " He got up and shook my hand vigorously . " Come over here and sit down . I have so much to tell you now that you have finally arrived in the hereafter . " Years before , for quite a long time after he died , James Dean had communicated with me , as such spirits often do with talented mediums after enduring a shocking early demise . They can get through to them when all others have stopped thinking about them . James Dean just wasn 't done with people on earth yet . He needed to keep talking to somebody for a while . He needed me as much as I needed him . I told James at the time that I thought I had such an affinity to him because I had been forced to live a shadow life ever since my near death experiences . I really did not feel I was ever going to be able to live a normal , healthy , vigorous life again . I would do what I could do , but it was though I was wearing hobbles . I was so limited . But of course I was not nearly as limited as he was now . He was dead . Not very long before James was killed I had a dream about him , me , and Marlon Brando . I dreamed that we had some kind of partnership that worked after a fashion , only somebody was under the ice . So I was not really that surprised when James was killed . I was writing letters to Marlon Brando at the time , trying to interest him in some of the plays I was writing . I had written him a leading role in one of my first full length plays , but I had a premonition that I would not be able to communicate with him except in the spirit either . Too many playwrights and screen writers wanted to reach the great Marlon Brando . He could not have possibly responded to them all . There just weren 't enough talented actors to go around . I wrote down the communications I got from James Dean for a number of years , but eventually I threw them away . I wrote down communications because writing them gave them more substance , for a while anyway . It had been a long time since I had communicated with James on a regular basis , but one memorable night he had even come in a dream and taken me to a large theater he said was in the hereafter somewhere . He told me one of his plays was being produced and he wanted me to see it . I recall sitting and watching it , and thinking it was very complex , very satisfying , and after it was over I remember him bringing me back . Now here we were meeting in the spirit outside a large theater complex in Phoenix . " This is like the theater you saw when I brought you to see my play , " said James , laughing , reading my mind as spirits are so fond of doing , " but in an alternate universe . You know that the major players from the theater world are all moving into the hereafter . And some of us have been waiting for you to arrive . I told you when you got to the hereafter I would be the first one to produce one of your plays , to thank you for all the hours and days and years you spent talking to me when I passed . " " ' Daughters of the Shadow Men ' it will be ! " declared James . " I like that play . I have studied it . I think it has great substance . " " I would probably want to go over it again , " I said , " to see if I want to change anything if it is to be produced in the hereafter . You know there are scenes in there of spirits intermingling with the living . I will want to check and see if they are accurate ! " " I know , " laughed James . " That play is very modern and up to date for the hereafter audiences . It reflects how comfortable you are with the dead who you do not think of as dead at all . " " I have not seen my father since I arrived here . " " I don 't know how comfortable he is going to be with the way I have written about him . I don 't know if I have gotten him down accurately . " James laughed . " Do you want me to go with you to see your father ? I would be glad to accompany you if it would help . I would like to tell him I would be honored to produce " Daughters of the Shadow Men . " Tears rolled down my cheeks , " I thought my father was a shadow man . I don 't know if he is reconciled to what I perceived about him . " " In your play you are saying the daughters of shadow men are shadow women . They can never really come out of the shadows until their fathers can . " " They can 't , " I said . " They are almost as crippled as their fathers by the lies and secrets . " " You are now on the big stage , " said James . " You lived your life in the shadows . That life is over . Now we are going to help you come out from obscurity into the sunlight . I swore I would do that for you . But I know how much fear you still have . " " Goodbye , James , for now . I think I need to go find where he is by myself , when I am ready . I have dreaded seeing him again . But I know I must . " James nodded and I walked away slowly . I looked out toward the sunset . I thought I could see in the distance what my sister Deanna was always saying she saw in her dreams , our father riding his horse , coming to take people home , into the sunset . She always saw him as a benevolent figure . I was looking now for the man on a horse riding into the sunset taking people home . She knew he would come for her , when she passed . He had not come for me . He had not known whether I wanted him to come . Whether I trusted him . I was looking now for the man on the horse . I had trusted the man on the horse taking his cattle home . I am ashamed to say I could not resist going back to visit Tyrone . I persuaded myself that his dog did not really see me , that it was my imagination as well as Tyrone 's , and I just could not bring myself to go back to the hereafter where I belonged . It was warmer and cozier back on earth with my kids . I had no more come in where Tyrone was sitting at the desk , writing , than his dog Jilly set up a terrible hallabaloo . She looked right at me as she barked , and it was obvious she was not happy with my visit . Fortunately Tyrone has a great sense of humor and said , " Oh , has Mom come back to see us ? Jilly , that 's Mom , you know her , come on , lay back down . I promise you , she won 't hurt us . " Jilly seemed to force herself to lay back down . She was even trembling a little . She rested her head on her paws and closed her eyes . She seemed to be willing herself to try to pay no attention to the ghost that was now haunting Rafe 's house . That did it . I decided I would have to leave . I could not put Tyrone 's dog through such ordeals any more . The least I could do was go visit some other people who might not be able to detect my presence as well as this dog . She was such a psychic dog I had no doubt if Tyrone could somehow go on TV with her she would become the most famous dog in the world . I shook my head . If I was not careful with my visits people would think Tyrone had gone mad as a hatter . He knew his dog . He knew she had seen something extraordinary . Heck , I could have told she was seeing something very unusual just the way she barked . But I did not want Tyrone to get any worse reputation than he already had by claiming his wonder dog was seeing spirits . I really felt quite spooked and wondered when I would ever dare to come back to my son Rafe 's house where Jilly and Tyrone were staying . Instead I decided to pop over to the LeGrand Hotel where I used to live . I had not been there since I passed , and residents claimed it was chockful of spirits who had lived there and still seemed to . I would surely run into the spirit of some resident I had known . Sure enough right outside the hotel I ran into the Earl . The Earl was a former resident who had been taken away from there to another place . I had not known whether he died or not , but I could see by the fact that he was walking on two legs , he was now in spirit form . " Oh Shadow , " he said , " I have been trying and trying to get in touch with you . I am back staying here in the LeGrand now , and I have been trying to get together a reunion of spirits who lived here when I did . " " Oh , so you picked up that I was thinking about you , " said the Earl . " I don 't know if any of the spirits are around right now . It is not a day for spirits . Come sit down and let us catch up on the news . " " Oh , let 's not sit there , " said the Earl . " Someone is sure to sit on us if we do . I like the conference room better . " " I don 't know , " I said . " I haven 't been here since I was carried out of here on a gurney for the first and last time . The bell finally tolled for me . " " I left here when I was scheduled to lose one of my legs . I wasn 't handling it very well , so they decided I should get some help . It was an awful ordeal . I just did not want to live after I lost my leg it was so hard to get around . Now your companion was lucky . He had you to nurse him when he was dying . " " He can 't sober up even after he has passed , " said the Earl , promptly . " That is what you call a hard hard core alcoholic . He doesn 't ever want to sober up , so he virtually shuts down . He tries to obliterate himself . " " I thought he was more intelligent than that , " said the Earl . " I thought I was the worst alcoholic in the LeGrand , but even I sobered up . Everyone was willing to let me drink myself to death , so I resisted . I showed them I could sober up if I wanted to . " " It 's nice to see you are still sober , " I said . " And are not in the Camp of the Resisters . I take it Alex is still on the other side of life ? " " As far as I know . He has not showed up here yet . I guess he sobered up , too , after he was evicted from the LeGrand . He was pretty much evicted from every place he rented for a while there . " " Alex is an extremist , always was . He wasn 't a steady sipper like I was . Alex sincerely tried to kill himself every time he binged . He inhaled his alcohol . I lacked the capacity to put it away like he did so I had no chance of really killing myself . " " I was almost glad Alex finally got evicted from the LeGrand . Everybody loved him , but every time he went on a binge , trying to kill himself , he had the whole complex in an uproar . He was loved , but he was wearing . Everybody took turns trying to save Alex . I know I must have saved him several times . " The Earl laughed , " I saved him at least once . I had security let me in his apartment when he did not answer . I found him out cold . The Emergency crew said that if I had been another hour finding him , they could not have brought him back around . As it was he was in a coma for three days . " " It was so distressful saving Alex and then having to do it again the very next week . I know an angel saved him once , or at least everyone thought she was an angel in disguise . No hospital would take him , but she had some kind of pull and got him in and they spent thousands of dollars bringing him back from the dead as he was practically comatose with infection . He came back to us days later , after God knows how many medical personnel worked on him , sober , strong , and a month later he got drunk again due to some terrible event in his life , I think they said one of his kids died . " " Yes , but I could not you know actually love him . He wasn 't any one person 's to love . He just could not resist all the love and sympathy women in the LeGrand wanted to give him . " " On the other hand I always knew where Terrance was at any given moment , and he hated having too many women interested in him . He was such a tight wad , you know , and they were always hitting him up for money . I never tried to get any money out of him , so he could tolerate me . " " He would always say he was going to pay me , but he never did . Besides , I never wanted his money , or anything that would have obligated me . I tried to keep my ties to Terrance super light , no sex , no money , no legal tie . He could still be a drag . So I am taking a much needed rest from male companions right now . " " I didn 't detect it and neither did he . He kept saying he knew what it was , his back , an old injury . I never saw a man more shocked when they told him he only had days to live . He did not believe it . He was by death surprised . " " Well , months of pain , but he was an unflappable man . He said he had been in some kind of pain all his life and he never let pain get him down . He did have a night or two of unbearable agony but that was all . How was your passing ? " " Well , " said the Earl , " it has been very nice talking to you . I just remember , I have got to go somewhere , so keep your antenna up for my signal , and I will see if I can get a reunion together . Maybe I will wait until after Alex arrives . Then it will be more interesting . " Off he went . I had forgotten to ask him about his dog , Danger . Danger was once the most famous dog in the LeGrand Hotel . Everybody knew Danger . I made a note to ask the Earl about Danger the next time I saw him , and I wanted to tell him about Jilly . The Earl would be more interested than any spirit I knew in a psychic dog . I decided that Vivienne was doing everything she could do for children at risk in her job as a nurse . She was seeing women who were pregnant under difficult circumstances keeping them going to their doctors and trying to give birth to a healthy child . She had whole portfolio of cases . I really could not expect more of her at this time . Maybe later on when she had time to think about the issue of legalized abortion more she could possibly add that to her list of causes . She seemed to assume that was the job I had taken on in the family , while she was determined that all women should nurse their babies instead of giving them formula . She had even taken a test that cost her more than $ 500 to qualify as a lactation consultant . If she did not pass the $ 500 dollars would have been wasted , but she studied hard and passed . I did not know if I could get her to take on saving babies from abortion when she was so caught up in trying to get new moms to nurse . I didn 't know if I should even be sending her messages from the beyond to that effect . She was already complaining about chronic fatigue . No , I had better be cautious about expecting more from Vivienne at this time . But I did decide to go back over to Tyrone 's for another visit to see if I could encourage him to finish the novel he had started . I was afraid Jilly his dog just would not be able to give him that message . I did not know how I was going to tell him what I thought either , but I could see when I arrived that he had his lap top open , so there was a good chance he was thinking about writing . Tyrone was a playwright as I had been in my earlier years . When he left his theater company and eventually took up teaching theater , I turned to novel writing , and somehow or another never got one close to publication except my last one which was called , " Then Came the Dawn . " I had it almost ready to send off to try to get it published as an E - book on the Internet when I passed away . It was so maddening to think I had to up and die before I could finish that task . I was afraid that my kids Rafe , Tyrone , Vivienne , and Santos would become too lazy to do anything about getting my novel published . Santos would just say it served me right , I should have waited to die . Santos was writing a novel , too , and Vivienne had written one , too . She wouldn 't let me read it since it was a romance novel and I had always tried to get her not to read romance novels let alone write them . Santos preferred to write fantasy fiction , the kind men wrote . He had not let me read his novel either , and I doubted that he had read " Then Came the Dawn " even though I posted it in a blog . I knew Tyrone ( Tangier ) was writing a novel based on a play he had written when he was teaching theater in high school . I was sure Rafe was not writing a novel although God knows he could have written one with all he knew about the construction business , but he was a man of such few words writing a novel was probably beyond him . He preferred to write cryptic poetry . Deborah asked him how his novel was coming and Tyrone said he was trying to decide whether to try to publish it under the name of Tangier , to sort of throw people off . " Just get it done and out there ! " I could hear my sister Deborah saying very loudly . " I am even wondering if I shouldn 't write a novel . " " What ? " said Deborah . " But she probably feels awfully bad to think she did not get it published before she died . " Why she could not have given him my message any better than if I had been sitting there saying the same thing to him myself . " I know people don 't like the subject of legalized abortion , " Deborah went on , " but she told me the reason she set her novel in the hereafter was so she could write about all the children who have died and gone there as a result of legalized abortion . " " I know why she did it , " said Tyrone . " But I am just not ready to take up that cause yet . I am getting ready to but I am not there yet . " " Well , okay , " said Deborah , " as long as you are thinking about it . I know it is not a very entertaining subject , but I was just thinking , perhaps you could send her manuscript to me and I would work on getting it published . I could do the research and consult with you and Santos about how to do it . I think I would rather try to publish her novel than write one myself , as I doubt I am as good a novel writer as she is . " " I could talk to my brothers and sister and see if that is okay with them , Aunt Deborah . If you are willing to do it . I am sure Santos would know better how to send you the manuscript than I would . " " Okay , if it 's all right with you , I will talk to him . What about Vivienne ? Do you think she would have any objection ? " " Call him , too , it would give you a good excuse . He is not talking a whole lot to me . I know he doesn 't believe I am going to really make money writing novels , but if I can get plays published I can surely write novels . I have just never tried to write novels before . I was too hung up on doing theater . " " I think it is a wonderful idea , Tyrone . You have been having so much trouble with financing falling through for your play productions . Maybe there comes a time to switch . " " Theater is an archaic art form that is all there is to it . I have always been hung up on theater , but never had any great success with my plays . When you stop and think what goes into a play production , you can understand why a playwright is going to have a tough time making any money . That is why I finally did decide to switch . I am taking my most successful high school play and transforming it into a novel . I am having a lot of fun doing it because I find I can go into even greater detail than I could in a play . Actually I think this play might be a more powerful novel than it is play , and I could reach so many more kids with it . I have been writing day and night since I started it , but I was also hired to direct a play , so I am having to save time and energy for that , too . You know I haven 't been too well since my cabin burned down . Burning all your belongings up does something to you . " " I need to replace a hundred things . I think my novel has become about loss . The boy in the novel loses his life just as I almost lost mine . So I relate to this novel about loss more than I ever did . I am telling my story , too . " " Tyrone , you need to stay on this earth . Let us old ladies go before you . It was not your time to die . So I will work on getting your mother 's book published while you finish yours . I have got time . " Jilly , his dog was outside . I decided I better slip away before she wanted to come in . She might spot me there and started barking . No sense getting her all nervous . I felt my mission had been accomplished without her even being involved . And the next minute I was gone . Cora was the one who told me the next day to check out Facebook and I would be surprised . I asked her how you did that as a spirit and she said oh it is easy , you just find someone 's computer and do your thing . So I went to the public library which was close to where I lived , before it opened , and checked out the Internet on one of their computers . Coral probably could have used it when someone else was , but I did not want to confuse myself . I found out my password still worked and my account was still on there just as though I had never died . I guess my kids had not got around to deleting me yet . I decided to try Vivienne 's profile first . She was on Facebook under the name of Valentine in order to protect her privacy and that of her family 's . Vivienne was always afraid of things like identity theft and had rebuked me in the past for putting something on Facebook she thought might be dangerous . Sure enough she had written an item about her dream . She wrote , " I dreamed about Mom and Aunt Coral last night ( I never met Aunt Coral but I know this woman was her , she had a family resemblance and besides that her hair was a beautiful red , not exactly coral , but close to it ) . They were out in my backyard by our swimming pool sitting in two new lawn chairs my husband and I just bought . I don 't know why they were sitting there . Maybe they weren 't sure I would welcome a couple of visiting spirits into the house . I admit I would probably have hesitated . Although Mom was cremated after she gave her body to science , she still had the look of death on her face . I still haven 't got over this visitation . Help , anybody ? " Tyrone replied , " I can 't believe this . That same night I had let Jilly out back as she was scratching at the door like she needed to go out there . When I heard her barking I was puzzled , so I went to the door and called her . She came up to me , but she looked intently out in the shadows by the swimming pool and barked again , like she was seeing somebody ! I told her there was nobody there , so she laid down by me , I thought , acting a little bit strange . She looked out there again and gave a little woof . It is hard to describe this woof , but now that I have read about your experience , I believe that Jilly , my dog , saw Mom and Aunt Coral out by Rafe 's swimming pool , too ! What is this about spirits landing in our back yards ? " ' I am now looking at my dog so to speak with new eyes . What if she is a psychic dog ? What are you supposed to do with a dog that sees spirits ? " Valentine wrote , " Our dog Jules did not even bark . But he was inside so that probably explains that . But would you have known your dog was seeing a spirit if you had not read about my dream ? " I did not know what to think of all this . " Welcome to the world of spirit communication , " said Coral . " Did you think it would be easy ? I am excited . I think you are getting a pretty fast confirmation that your visit has registered on your kids ' consciousness . Remember that wolf that wanted to communicate with the young girl back to Recovery Ranch ? Animals can be very psychic , too , just like humans . " " I know they are , " I said . " I once owned a white dog that looked like she was part husky and part Samoyed but she wasn 't very smart , and kept chasing everyone 's chickens . Well , come to think of it , she was actually Tangier 's dog , or I mean Tyrone 's , so this is not the first time he has owned a dog with psychic connections . I was half asleep one morning and a big German shepherd spirit dog came into my bedroom and walked up to my bed and looked at me . I knew it was a spirit dog , but I couldn 't imagine why a spirit dog was paying me a visit . Several days I found out . Snow ( Tyrone 's or Tangier 's dog 's name ) ran away from home taking Deanna 's dog with her and ended up in a rancher 's field chasing some sheep . He shot Snow three times . He must have been an awfully good shot because every bullet went into her legs . One leg was shot off at the first joint , so I asked a visiting doctor to sew it up . He told me what to do to save her from any infection that might develop from the other wounds , and she was a better dog from then on with just three legs than she was with four . Up until then she was in dire danger of being shot when she ran off , as she was always doing . " " I am not surprised . A spirit dog was warning you of danger to Snow . I have always known that animals are psychic just like humans are . Maybe even more so at times . " " So with Tangier 's psychic dog 's help we have made contact on earth . With such an unusual pick up , I am sure they will probably be looking forward to our next visit , don 't you think ? " I said . Coral practically stopped in mid flight . I noticed we were hovering over a freeway probably very close to the area where Vivienne lived . " There she is , " Coral said , pointing to a car I would never have recognized as my daughter 's . " She 's on her way home from work . " Sure enough , the car turned off at Vivienne 's exit . When she eventually turned into her driveway , Coral and I popped into her back yard and sat on some lovely lawn furniture she and her husband had just purchased . This house was new to them , and they had been having a lot of fun buying items they needed particularly for this house . The sun started to go down and eventually it was quite dark . We sat out there until the lights went out in the house , around eight o ' clock . Vivienne and my grandson Darryl , fourteen , her only child still at home , were going to bed ! Oh dear , how would I be able to attract her attention now , in her dreams ? Vivienne had been telling me her job was causing her fatigue problems . Even when she went to bed early she often woke up still tired . She was wondering if she was prone to chronic fatigue problems as I had . I hoped not ! Around nine my son - in - law David came in from the airport . He had been on a trip abroad . I was glad to see he had returned home safely . He grabbed a bite to eat and went to bed , too . Sure enough Tangier appear in the door in the backyard and called out , " Jilly , who is there ? Why did you bark ? " Jilly ran over to him and then she turned and amazingly barked again , looking right at us ! " I don 't see anybody , " said Tangier , soothingly . He sat down in a chair close to the swimming pool with Jilly beside him . Jilly looked in our direction one more time and gave a little woof . I was really spooked . I told Coral I wanted to get out of there right now . It was unnerving to have our presences detected by a dog . Tangier had kept telling me what a wonderful dog Jilly was , but she made a believer out of me that night . Vivienne came out of the bedroom yawning and told her husband David , " I had a dream last night that Mom and Aunt Coral were here . " I nearly fell over . I just did not expect Vivienne to pick up on our presences like that . " I think she is trying to let me know she arrived safely in the hereafter and she is all right , " said Vivienne . After a moment , she said , " But I am worried . I think she and Aunt Coral are trying to tell me something . They wouldn 't come all the way back here just to say Mom is all right . I know she wants something from me . " " I am helping with the babies as much as I can . I have a job helping mothers having babies who are at risk . What more can I do ? " Just then my grandson Darryl came into the room , yawning , " Mom , it 's Saturday . What are you guys doing up so early ? I thought we would all sleep in . " " I dreamed about your grandma last night , " said Vivienne . " She was right out there by the swimming pool with your Aunt Coral . I didn 't know Aunt Coral , but if a woman was with her I knew it had to be Aunt Coral . She was always talking about her relationship with Aunt Coral . All the sisters kept Aunt Coral alive . I 'd be surprised when I 'd see a photo of the five of them that Aunt Coral didn 't show up on the picture . " " I am very sorry I didn 't let you visit her more than I did , " said Vivienne , " but your grandma was always worried about the traffic . She would say , ' Oh don 't bring Darryl down in the midst of all that traffic . It is too dangerous . ' She just wanted you to stay home and be safe . Just imagine , now she has come from the hereafter , her and my Aunt Coral , and I can see her in my dreams easier than I could when she was on earth . She didn 't want me to bring her out to visit very often either , as she said I had to travel back and forth in the traffic too long as it was , going to work . I was talking to her on my cell phone at an intersection when that car hit me so hard my back hurt for months . " " She probably thought I was safer flying all over the world in an airplane , than I was going to work every morning in all that traffic , " said David . I felt quite stunned to find out that Vivienne had picked up on Coral and me sitting out in her backyard . I decided we had accomplished about all we could in one visit . Vivienne was conscious of spirit presences even more than I expected her to be . If she and Tangier happened to talk , Tangier would find out that she dreamed Coral and I visited her the same night Jilly barked at the shadows where we were standing when we stopped to see Tangier . Tangier would never believe Jilly had sensed our spirits , otherwise . She knew me . Every time she saw me she seemed to recognize me as a close relative of Tangier 's . She would lick my hand in a sweet way . Once when Tangier was very bad off and Jilly was obviously worried about him , Tangier shed a few tears while he was talking to me . Jilly went crazy . She licked his hand frantically . And even gave me a few frantic licks as though to say , " Tangier is crying ! Oh my god , what is going to happen now ? " I wouldn 't have believed a dog could be so observant and so caring if I had not seen it . Now I had witnessed another miracle . Jilly could see spirits ! Well , I don 't know if she actually saw us but she sensed we were there . Coral said she had to get back to her kids so we decided to settle for what had happened so far on our trip back to try to connect to my daughter and son . I was very satisfied with our trip , in fact . I don 't know about Coral . Coral said she was going to take me to a meeting with the Council of the Elders and in spite of myself I began to shudder at the very thought . Why ? I don 't know . Maybe I no longer trusted a council of elderly people . I guess I had heard of too many august groups of elderly people on earth who had meetings and ended up serving their own purposes more than they did others . There were boards on corporations . It seemed as though they had been coming up with more bad news than good for the people in their meetings . So what would I do if I detected similar signs of corruption in the Council of the Elders in the hereafter ? I would no longer believe integrity was possible in heaven either . I just did not want to risk being disillusioned , but Coral took me to the meeting without me ever saying anything to her about my doubts and misgivings . They told her to stay , and I sat down surrounded by both older men and women . A woman spoke to me first , " Just relax . We are men and women who have lived on the earth . We serve on the Council of the Elders as volunteers . There is always a council for people to meet with if they choose . Your sister requested a meeting with the Council of the Elders for you . So why do you think she did that ? " " Was that the reason you requested a meeting , Coral ? " asked the woman . " I just felt it was time she met with the Elders , " said Coral , " because she is having trouble deciding where to go and what to do in the hereafter . I thought the elders could give her some ideas about what they think people should do , once they arrive here as she did in her declining years after many years of close observation of her fellow men . " " I have been to the Camp of the Resisters since I arrived here , " I said , " but most disturbing of all was my visit to the Children 's Paradise . There were so many children there . I knew there were a lot of children being sent over here , but I was almost overwhelmed by the numbers here . " " I don 't know , " I said . " I saw many beautiful children in a Paradise that seemed to go on forever . And I think I am just going to have to think about that a while . Coral has been talking to me many years about the problem . She kept me protesting when I really wanted to quit and forget the whole thing , but she wouldn 't let me . " " Through dreams . I am a medium of sorts . My sisters all receive messages in dreams , some more than others , from the spirits who have gone on . I would always pray to a higher power every morning to see if there was important work I should be doing . I have been getting the message for many years that too many children were being killed and this was what I needed to work on . " " Various ways , but most of my work was done through protest letters . But first I would have what I call spirit talks . I would write down the messages I would get directly from the spirits , from Coral a lot of the time , but from others , too . And I would send the messages in my protest letters . There was a lot of tedious work involved but I thought and thought about what else I could do , and that kind of protesting seemed to be what I could do best . " " She is a writing animal , " said Coral . " I knew that before I passed . I was communicating with her about other matters , too , but in later years it has been mostly about all the children dying . " " Well , " said the woman . " Sounds like you have been working hard , but now you are here , perhaps you should think about connecting up to others back on earth who might receive your messages and tell them how it is here . You could join your sister Coral in trying to reach people on earth every way you can with a message . " " I have a daughter named Vivienne who I hoped would carry on my work . There are others . I am sure I will be able to reach her eventually with a message . She already receives dreams . A number of the nieces and nephews in the family have psychic dreams . All of my children are somewhat clairvoyant . " " I guess I just needed a little nudge in the direction I should go . Coral and I probably need to take a trip back to earth and visit my children . That will probably be the first step we should take in setting up a stronger communication . " " Thank you , " I said . Coral and I left the presences of the elders . We decided we would visit my daughter Vivienne and Tangier , my second son , the next day . We both started to feel there was no time to waste . We needed to start up again on the job we had been doing together for years as soon as possible , but I knew that in order to do that , now that I was in the hereafter , we would have to make some stronger connections to people on earth , and my two children I thought would be most likely to pick up on a call from both of our spirits . They had even had dreams about Coral , too , after they had been hearing my claims of being in communication with her for years . And she had passed long before they were born ! Such was the the effect of the power of suggestion on the human mind . I was sitting on a bench again in the waiting station area seriously wondering what in the world to do next when Coral came running up to me . She held out her hand to me , " Grab hold of my hand . I want you to see what is happening in some of the biggest cities since you left the earth ! " " Other cities are staging protests , too , " said Coral . " Come over here a little out of the way . We will sit on the grass and watch and listen . " " What do you think , Shadow ? " Coral affectionately called me by my childhood nickname . All my sisters started calling me Shadow instead of rather strange name of Shadra that was my given name . I rather wished Mother would have had the nerve to name me Shadow in the first place , but she probably thought people would laugh at her for naming her first born some romantic name that wasn 't a proper girl 's name at all . But then neither was Shadra . " I told you , Coral , the media thinks like one person , I have been told in the persona of a very rich man who realized that if he controlled a number of the newspapers , he could in effect control all of them through how newspapers are so interlinked now days . So the same opinions were published in a number of the big city newspapers as well as in the big city where I did most of my abortion protesting to the media . The rich man is pro abortion because he is probably very big on population control and thinks we need abortion to keep the birthrates down . He would not care if these were babies already created and growing big and strong that were killed as long as they were gone . The more the newspapers turned people off with the abortion propaganda they were printing , and sales dropped , the more the staff members were afraid of losing their jobs . They were being programmed to support the liberal bias that favors abortion rights . Soon no opposing opinions were going to get printed . I would say that the violence required in the abortion solution has contributed to making our world more unsafe . It has lowered the standards that people have worked so hard to maintain . Legalized abortion wiped out a lot of humane feelings about impaired babies and so on . But nobody was allowed to express an opposing opinion eventually . I would say that taking people back to a darker age of violence is what it has accomplished , which this powerful man or men who are responsible don 't seem to care a fig about . We have never had such a shackled press , which is what you get with a liberal bias . The man or men responsible for this have simply tried to stifle all pro life thinking to non existence . There is a big difference between pro death and pro life , a big difference in emphasis and results . And if people aren 't thinking as deeply as they should be , they buy the philosophy of violence and spread the word further themselves . It is very discouraging . " Coral and I sat awhile and listened to the people speak . I felt very sad that the world had come to this , but conditions had been bad for a long time I thought and apparently so had a bunch of other people thought so too . They were there supporting their different causes , jobs , wages , taxes , housing , unemployment , homelessness , etc . But people seemed to take some comfort from getting together in such a large group and protesting . Coral beckoned to me . I saw that the sun was starting to go down . " Do you want to just camp out on the lawn , " she said . " I don 't know if all the people will disperse very soon or not . They may still be here in the morning . " " Part of my job now days is taking you places I think you should see . You probably forgot all about earth after you left it and forgot to check to see what is going on here . I always check every morning , as there may be something that will require a trip for me to look at up close . " " I am a lot closer now to this protest than I would have been before I left the earth . I would have had to watch it on television . But now I get to see it in person . Of course I was an old lady and would have just gotten in the way had I tried to attend a protest . I would have had to take my walker . Now I can just fly through the air like you do , although I could not do what you do by myself . I would have to take a plane . " Coral laughed uproariously . " You have no idea how many spirits ask to take planes when they first try to travel around . They just don 't believe they can ever get the hang of teleporting . They say they don 't even know what that is or have never heard of it before . I say how much do you think you weigh in your spirit form , probably no more than an eagle 's feather ! " " You do need a good guide , " I said , " when you go to the hereafter . It feels like you still have a body even if you don 't . Traveling so light takes a while to get used to . " " I wanted you to see that we still have the same problems in the hereafter to see about as people do on earth . All of our activities are linked . It is disconcerting to many to meet up with the people they have dispatched to kingdom come , but we all know that is going to happen , that something inside of us does not die . I am not saying that this something can never be killed , but it would take a lot of doing . The spirit form is extremely strong . So even though people have got a good idea of what is going to happen when they die , they are still surprised when they find themselves in a hereafter . Even though everyone has heard about a hereafter . They can 't say they were not warned . The one thing people can 't bring with them is money and the power that gives them on earth . They know that is going to happen but many do not want to think about it . Or deal with that day of reckoning . If the revolution does not come to earth it comes when people reach heaven and are stripped of everything they own right down to the spirit , so if they have not lived in ways that will make their spirits strong they are in helpless condition , shorn of the only power they valued , as any dictator feels who has been booted out of office in a revolution . Some spirits stand up and come into heaven as presences who can be greeted with joy for the good things they have done with their lives . There is no mistaking the power of their spirits . So come along , Shadow , you have done all right in your sojourn upon the earth . It is time for us to go back and meet with the council of elders who will give you good advice about what you might want to do next . " I was walking along to somewhere when I ran smack dab into Coral . " Oh , there you are , " I said . " I was looking for you ! " " I 'll bet , " said Coral as sarcastically as I ever expected to hear a spirit speak who had been in the hereafter as long as she had . " The Children 's Paradise is right this way . You can 't miss it ! " she said . The Children 's Paradise was exactly as I expected it to be . It was the most beautiful place imaginable with long low buildings stretching out in the distance to forever , with beautiful flowers and trees surrounding it . I could see children playing , running here and there . A beautiful little blonde girl with curly hair came running up to us . " Here is Serena , " said Coral , " She is practically my grandchild . She is a special little girl . Would you like to play the piano for us , Serena ? " " Oh , yes , " said Serena . " I have been waiting for my grandma 's sister all morning . She said she was coming to visit . " I felt ashamed of myself . Coral and Serena led me into a beautiful room where a piano sat . I wondered if it was a spirit piano . I supposed it was just as we were entering into a spirit house with beautiful spirit flowers and trees . Or it might be a real piano in an alternate universe . At any rate little Serena who must have been about nine years old sat down to the piano and played so beautifully tears came to my eyes . " I can tell she is very gifted , " I told Coral . After Serena played one piece for us she got up and said she would go and play now so Coral and I could visit . Like all the spirits I had met so far , she seemed to read my mind and could tell I needed to talk to Coral the worst way about all that was happening . " Nobody is ever ready to visit the Children 's Paradise , " said Coral . " Nobody wants to see evidence of children having suffered death who are as beautiful as these children , as talented and wonderful . Don 't you think I know that ? I have been here a long time . I know what people try to avoid . " " That 's right , " I said . " As you must know , Coral , I spent the last close to 40 years protesting legalized abortion . It was a terrible self appointed volunteer job that got worse and worse as I went along . I was just traumatized by the whole experience . I got into so many nasty fights with so many women . There is no more divisive issue on earth . Now I find you expecting me to come and visit the Children 's Paradise and maybe even work here . I just was not ready . " " They don 't come to the Children 's Paradise unless they are ready . When they are ready they come and ask very respectfully if it would be possible for us to help them find their children . Some of their children are grown and are helping raise the babies . We introduce some of these mothers to their children and let the children take care of the rest . They have been thinking about the way they died for years , some of them , so when the parents come to find them they have little speeches all prepared for them . Many and many a child has told me that if their mother ever came to find them , they would say thus and so to them . " " Maybe that was it . All I knew was the whole subject got to be so painful to me I could hardly stand to be reminded of it myself . I finally had to quit blogging about it when I hit 80 . Nobody was reading my blog anyway . I got into two or three painful fights over what I wrote and that was it . I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die right then . " " Have you ever stopped to think that most people on earth do not even believe in a hereafter ? Most are living in the dark ages . It is very hard for people to get knowledge about the hereafter and retain enough of it that it is going to affect how they act . How many times have people been told they will die and go to hell if they do such and such and they go right ahead and do it anyway ? " " Not to the point I am going to give up my eternal life . I don 't care whether people believe I still exist or not . I am here and by the way so are you , and I am going to go right on doing what I have learned to do in the hereafter to pass my time to be able to say existing was worth it . I made up my mind I would hang in here until my sisters united with me and some of my nieces and nephews , and only then would I start thinking about another lifetime . These little children here are more or less committed to doing the same thing . They all say they want to reunite with their parents some way and work on solving the problem of dying this way . They know that if the parents don 't meet up with them and see what life has been like for them , dying before they even drew breath , they won 't consider other solutions , realizing that this one was too painful in many of its results . " " It 's not that I don 't have patience . I don 't believe that other people have any . By the way , I met up with Mother shortly after you left me , and she also told me that she could not stand to work in the Children 's Paradise . She does not want to clean up after other people 's mistakes as she put it . " " That is just the way Mother talks but she does have a volunteer job she seems to enjoy . She works in the old people 's receiving center . Mother always had a tough time liking her children , remember ? I am sure you are a good deal more patient , just naturally , than she is . She was always a child like person . Not too far from being retarded in a way . You can 't make silk purses out of sow 's ears . " My head was whirling . A retarded mother ? How could Coral say such a thing even it might be true in a way . I had always secretly wondered if Mother had not been born with some of the same characteristics as her ' slow ' brother Henry who had been such a slow learner the family despaired that he would ever be able to take care of his many children , but he did , somehow or another . He had a loving wife who helped a great deal , not as slow as Henry by any means but able to tolerate his handicap remarkably . " I am still avoiding Daddy , too , " I said . " I hope he doesn 't take offense and try to look me up as Mother did . I would like a little longer to prepare . Are you sure he is being rehabilitated ? " " I assure you he is , " said Coral . " I have been to see him a number of times . He is making progress . He turned himself in so to speak . Some parents have criminal tendencies , some are a little retarded . That is just life . " I was glad Coral was so accepting . It had been pretty bad when I seemed to be the only one in the family who recognized our dad 's criminal tendencies . Marsha , for example , had gotten very angry at me for maligning him in my memoir . She said he was just a bad drunk , and did nothing else as bad as what I said he did . Which was one reason I abandoned plans to publish my memoir and started writing a novel . I had given instructions that if it took a hundred years for all the bad reactions to die down , my memoir could wait . I was not trying to put anyone in jail , so there was no point publishing a memoir that would not only make all the other sisters unhappy but the grandchildren , too . If my perceptions were true , it would not hurt to wait a hundred years for people to find out what I thought our dad did . " " I know , " I moaned . " But if Daddy doesn 't show up in my novel for a while I will be able to hide my thoughts about him longer . " Coral said , " As long as you don 't use anybody 's real names , people will be confused . They won 't know what you might have made up and what you might really think . I know the real dad , that is the one who arrived here . I have been talking to him ever since he died and you haven 't . So I know pretty much what was troubling him and why . " " Really ? " I said , " I can 't get over how smart you are , Coral . But of course you would find out all the secrets people try to keep while they are alive . " " People try to keep their dark secrets over here , too , " said Coral , " but eventually they feel so burdened , they start confessing . Daddy started confessing his sins to people . He got a load off his chest and found out that was just what the doctor ordered . " " Hmm , " I said . " I am sure I don 't know all of his sins , maybe just a few of them , but would you please tell him not to take me by surprise as Mother did . Tell him to wait until I have decided I want to see him . "
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I reckon before I tell you about Jeremy Vosloo , I should start with two years ago , the year the blacks started protesting the use of Afrikaans in their schools in Soweto and the protests grew into riots , setting off a wave of demonstrations spreading throughout the country until it arrived ugly and angry in Cape Town and my father had this bright idea to send me to private school . He always had these bright ideas , my father , from the brooders and turkey - cocks he brought home one Saturday afternoon in a cage in the back of the bakkie declaring that we no longer had to buy eggs from Mr Doep , the chicken pen eventually growing into a cacophony of red - combed birds snapping at your heels , no one collecting the eggs or raking up , to the sheep and goats , and a stubborn ewe charging all the visitors . My father , you see , had grown up one of nine sons in a box in District Six , and had dreamed of a backyard where he could swing his arms without knocking into his neighbour 's lavatory . When his clothing factory landed this big account , taking fashion stores from Cape Town to Mafeking , we moved from a comfortable house on the slopes of Walmer Estate , where there was life and civilisation , to this remote place in Philippi he likes to call the farm . Now , despite all the sudden complaints after the lorry pulled away with our things - - the place had been too cramped , too high on the hill , the hot - water cylinder didn 't hold enough - - there was something about that Ravenscraig Road beauty , all highly polished oak smelling of lavendar wax and my grandmother 's crunchy pine nuts tamaletjies , that was hard to resist . The kind of house you could run through from front door to kitchen and out the back in four seconds flat and travel years with all the history and life steeped in those high beams and plastered walls . And that 's another thing . Even my illiterate grandmother sitting with her huge bum on our folded pyjamas , pressing them on the stoep , eating raspberry ice blocks with condensed milk with sies Galima from across the street , neeBut I really should start with that first day , my mother driving me in the silver Benz , depositing me new satchel and all in front of this school with hundreds of green - blazered boys on the grounds , the only snoekie in a sea of yellowtail . I knew I was in the right class when I saw my name on the board , and in the wrong school when I stood by myself during break . I cursed my parents . How could they do this to me when I could 've been with Rudwan at Sinton High ? I noticed this boy with platinum hair and a cowlick , a garden snake in his hand , chasing after a fat student called Albert Mostert , who was clearly horrified . Albert 's short legs carried him chop chop to the principal 's office where Jeremy got a warning , and was quickly relieved of his pet . Sitting three seats behind them in Biology class , I watched Jeremy look furtively behind him , take a chameleon out of his pocket , and put it down Albert 's neck . Albert jumped up with a scream . Mr Greaves dropped the chalk he was busy writing with at the blackboard , demanding the name of the culprit . Jeremy looked about as curious as the rest of the class to see who could 've done such a thing . It looked like I 'd found a friend . That weekend Rudwan visited , and watched from the safe side of the henhouse while I waded through a gang of angry birds collecting eggs for a neighbour , my takkies crunching in the grey and white shit . I mean , were we an eggerama or something that we had to supply the neighborhood ? We ate so many things made with eggs - - puddings , omelettes , souffles - - you could pull fat worms from our veins . The pittance charged didn 't even cover the chicken feed . ' ' That 's stupid . Sinton hasn 't got sturvy rules like that , and you can eat and chew what you want . Did you make any friends ? ' ' My father put his fork down , and laughed . When Ruby was three and refused to wear anything but purple underwear , he sent his typist to Woolworths for two dozen in that shade . I had to wait six weeks for Pacman , and Ruby had only to pout and flash those almond eyes and my father would give his okay . After I 'd been at my new school three months , I asked if I could have Jeremy over for the weekend . My mother said yes , but my father couldn 't quite wrap himself around the idea of an Afrikaner boy in his home . Family visited on weekends , he said , he didn 't want trouble and envy surrounding his son . But he agreed , with conditions and warnings . The factory closed at four on Fridays , the one day we could count on him to sit down to supper with us , and a favorite time because he would listen to grievances , hand out pocket money , toffee rolls , comic books , putting Milano 's troubles behind him for a few hours . I must say I was anxious to see what he thought of my blue - eyed friend - and also a bit nervous about my sisters putting me in the eyes . In between helpings of mash and peas , I found him glancing occasionally at Jeremy ; how he held the fork , cut his meat , the way he put the food in his mouth - - not too different from us except he ate a little slower , giving the food a few more chews . But then Jeremy didn 't have three siblings rushing to prong their forks into the last chop . Jeremy had a good way of speaking to his elders , sort of well - behaved without being overly reserved , and my father was impressed by things like that . Of course he had no idea that Jeremy was the school prankster and Mr Greaves ' worst nightmare . I sat there listening to my sisters ask the questions I hadn 't asked , and Jeremy answering all of them . But what a combo for parents ; a police sergeant and a fighter pilot , protecting South Africa 's inhabitants . Who couldn 't be proud of that ? The next morning my father was ready to drive off in his bakkie when Ruby ran out to tell me that Rudwan had just called to say that he would get a lift with his father and would be there soon . I was busy wiping the windscreen , and my father leaned his head out the window . ' ' He 's your cousin , you be nice . ' ' He had this stupid fear that because I was friends with Jeremy , I was going to think I was white . Parents , I tell you . They put you out in this dinghy without a life jacket , then blame you if you drown . ' ' I 'm not oorgetrek , you idiot . We have to finish gluing this thing tonight so we can paint it in the morning , and he doesn 't understand . He wants to go play kennetjie in the dark . ' ' ' ' Then why did I ask you to come ? And what 's the big deal , anyway ? We can play tomorrow , and then you can show off ! ' ' ' ' Are you satisfied now , you snot ? We asked if you wanted to help , but you didn 't want to . What 's your problem , man ? ' ' We slunk back into my room , and I cursed myself for inviting him . Jeremy pretended nothing was wrong , and I felt shitty having him there . We were showing a very bad side . Worse , when I 'd told Rudwan he could come , I 'd not thought of the sleeping arrangements . To prevent war , I threw three cushions between the twin beds and tossed restlessly all night on the floor listening to their machine - gun farts . ' ' It 's not his fault . And he has no problem having a Muslim boy for a friend . It 's today 's children who 're going to change things , not us . ' ' ' ' Today 's black children , and coloured children . Not them . Do you think that after three centuries , they can flush it out with epsom salts ? ' ' ' ' Who said anything about the government ? It 's you I 'm thinking about . Doesn 't it bother you that he hasn 't asked you once to come and meet his family ? ' ' ' ' It does , when I think about it . I don 't know where he lives , and he knows where we keep the cheese in the fridge . I think about it , but I put it out of my mind . We 're friends , that hasn 't changed , and he 's going nowhere for the holidays . ' ' ' ' His family 's never tried to find out about us . I find that very strange also . You don 't think we 'd let you spend weekends at someone 's house without knowing where it is or who those people are ? This is two weeks in the Wilderness . ' ' ' ' I don 't know why I bother to ask you . You 'll bring the whole soccer team if you can . You have four children , you know , not yet five . Don 't you find it strange that his mother 's never called us , or tried to find out who we are ? ' ' The day before the trip my mother and I went to pick Jeremy up . He had given me the address , and I was looking forward to see where he lived . I don 't know what I expected at 63 Crosby Street , but my spirits sank when we stopped in front of a crumbly - walled cottage with an overgrown path , a rusted bicycle leaning against a wheelbarrow growing weeds under a mulberry tree with trampled berries on the hard ground . I wanted to believe that we were at the wrong house , when the front door opened and Jeremy , who must 've been watching from the window , came out with his rucksack and fishing rod . He didn 't close the door behind him , and no one came out to see him off . Later that evening Jeremy and I packed the coolers with frozen chops and boerewors , afterwards stealing smokes from the head gardener in the backyard . One of our favourite things was sitting with Faan and Piet outside their quarters dragging on their hand - rolled cigarettes , but that night Jeremy was strangely reserved . I don 't know if it was the tobacco , the upcoming trip , or picking him up at his house , but several times while chewing the fat with the boys , I caught him staring off in the dark . At eleven my mother turned off the TV , and we went to bed . Shortly after midnight , somewhere in the dimness of sleep , I heard the gates roll open , the car drive into the garage , and heard voices . I perked my ears , and turned to Jeremy in the next bed . He wasn 't there . Through the window I saw his white hair reflected in the moonlight , standing on the verandah in the dark . ' ' When I first had supper at your house ten months ago . My father was a fighter pilot , and he did die in an air raid - that was the truth . But my mother 's not who I said she was . ' ' ' ' Elspeth is the woman who looks after me . She and my father never married , but I look at her as my mother . Elspeth 's a cashier at OK Bazaars . ' ' I sank back into my pillow , with the same hollow feeling as the time Miss Thebus in Standard Three had told us Merle , the girl who sat next to me in class , had died of TB . I watched them there in the moonlight , my oppositionist father and my silver - haired friend . ' ' Do you think , Jeremy , that these figs will be ripe by the time we get back from the trip ? My wife planted this tree five years ago , and every year these small little things come out and drop rock hard to the ground . ' ' Of course , we never spoke about it , Jeremy and me . On the trip my heart swelled when I saw my mother drape his socks over a branch to dry , and my father include him in everything . I turned the chops on the braai , noticing my parents for the first time . Maybe one day one of them or Jeremy will tell me about it and I won 't have to wade through the Carnegies in the phone book . In a small town like Peterborough in the early seventies , you didn 't meet many South Africans . But suddenly there she was at the desk Mr Chapman 's secretary used to occupy , plugged into the dictaphone , looking over a file . ' ' Bitchy , ' ' some of the girls said , avoiding her in the lunch room . ' ' Judgemental and uptight . ' ' They were right . Everything that came out of her mouth was a biting remark . Canadians were insipid , ungrateful , unappreciative . They had to live in a country where you stood in the rain for a bus while an empty one for whites went by to understand the freedom they had . The office played in a bowling league , and Sabah and her husband , Miles , were on our team . There wasn 't much chatter those first months - - Sabah throwing mostly gutter balls , not good at any sports , she claimed . Still , we did somehow become friends , hard and fast by the end of the season when she threw a bad ball , costing us the game , and Miles had shown his true colors . She spoke of her marriage . The problem wasn 't infidelity , cheating , or physical abuse , but a lie six years ago when he 'd promised her that they would move to South Africa if she married him . In the end , after two children , he just laughed and said Canada was where his mother was . I didn 't know Ella from Lena before meeting Sabah , but took to going to her house on the weekends to listen to her great collection of jazz and stories of home . She 'd grown up with the sounds of Satchmo , Gillespie and the Monk , she said - - both her brothers were sax players . One Saturday I arrived to a van outside the house , and Miles packing all his belongings into it . When the van had disappeared down the road , she turned to me . ' ' I 'm going home to catch my breath for a few weeks , Billie . Wanna come ? ' ' The first problem , scarcely ten minutes on South African soil , was who had first rights to us . Mrs Dollie - - she 'd gone back to her maiden name - - claimed that as she was the mother she deserved the honour of Sabah coming home to her house , so the destination was Athlone , and ' ' Please , everybody , we 'll see you there . ' ' Mr Solomon , Sabah 's father , said that he had specially prepared a room with two single beds for Sabah and her friend , that his ex - wife didn 't have first rights and that Sabah was going with him to Walmer Estate . Sabah 's eldest brother , Riaz , then chimed in , saying he was married now , had a big house , and wanted his sister with him . All this in the parking lot while cousins and uncles and aunts waited to hear in which direction they should point their cars . In the end , Sabah refused to go anywhere and they finally agreed to one day with her mother , one day with her father , weekends left open for brothers , cousins and friends . I stood with my bags at my feet listening . This wasn 't the city I 'd imagined and heard so much about . I 'd expected unrest , a darkness of spirit . Cape Town was nothing like that . The day was hot , sunny , and bright - a far cry from the grey skies of Peterborough - Table Mountain beckoning . And all around me were the sounds of the family , all speaking as fast as Sabah . I knew I was in for a heck of a holiday . Mrs Dollie 's house was a lovely , whitewashed , Spanish - style bungalow , chockful of antiques , African rugs and artifacts , with a pool surrounded by some unusual thorn and red - leaved trees in the yard . Mrs Dollie couldn 't swim , and had once fallen into the pool trying to manouver an avocado from a branch overhead . Two people had to get her out , even though the water was only six feet deep . ' ' Don 't stand near the edge , Billie , ' ' she warned . ' ' They wait for you to stand there in your nice clothes , then chuck you in . Riaz is just a terrible boy . When this house was first built and the Imam came to bless it , he knocked the Imam into the pool , clothes and all . ' ' ' ' Don 't laugh , ' ' Mrs Dollie said . ' ' The poor man 's fez was floating in the deep end , he almost drowned . ' ' ' ' Serves him right for telling us Muslims shouldn 't have pools . ' ' Mrs Dollie lived alone with her youngest son , Fa ' iq , and there was ample room , she said , so she didn 't know why Sabah still had to go and sleep at her father 's as if he deserved equal time . The kitchen was noisy with aunts and neighbors pouring tea , all waiting to hear about Canada . Mrs Dollie clucked like an excited hen over the proceedings . That first night , watching Sabah with her family , the bossa nova rhythms of Stan Getz swelling and dipping over the laughter and noise , and tea and coffee coming non - stop from the kitchen with plates of jam tarts , custard rolls and chocolate eclairs , I felt swept up by the wave of events . No one was concerned about how much they ate , or the order in which food was served , and I watched enviously as brothers and cousins and friends just dug into dessert , later rounding it all off with chicken breyani and mango juice . Where I came from , you had to be invited to a meal . You said grace , you started with salad or soup , and everyone sat down , all at the same time . If there was music , it was usually some classical piece my father put on to aid digestion . The meal was understated , and you ate just enough . There was dessert only on weekends , and would be nothing more than custard with canned fruit , or a slice of fruit cake . ' ' Your future brother - in - law , Suleiman Adams . My sister , Toeghfa over there , is engaged to your brother , Fa ' iq . ' ' ' ' She 's a doctor , ' ' Mrs Dollie said proudly . " From the BoKaap . Fa ' iq , didn 't you introduce Toeghfa to Sabah ? " Suleiman continued with Sabah , obviously fascinated by her . ' ' I 've never heard the eff word used with so many variations , ' ' he said . He turned to Sabah 's mother in wonderment . ' ' I didn 't know , Mrs Dollie , that you have a daughter like this . ' ' Mrs Dollie laughed as if someone had praised her . " She 's like that . She 's very naughty . " She made no move to say anything to Sabah . Sabah could 've done a somersault on the oak table , she would 've loved it . She was just too glad for her daughter to be there . I became aware of myself as I sat there grinning , the onlooker , the friend . I was in an environment entirely different from my own in Canada . My home was a quiet one , with my mother playing bridge with friends on Tuesday nights , and my father building model airplanes in the basement in his spare time . A party would consist of no more than six or eight people in the backyard having a barbecue and one or two beers . It was in Cape Town I really came to see who Sabah was . Suleiman came to the Dollie house several times , taking us out for scenic drives and dinners , trying to gain Sabah 's interest . But Sabah was only at the beginning of her grief over her broken marriage , and wasn 't interested in anyone . That didn 't mean , though , that she didn 't have a darn good time teasing the heck out of Suleiman . When the last guests finally left at around two in the morning , and I was starting to feel dizzy from the long flight and all the excitement , Sabah said she was taking a quick drive in her mother 's car to Sea Point . She always went to this one particular place on her first night home . So off we went , in the middle of the night , up the mountainous De Waal Drive , overlooking the city and harbour lights , comforted by the smoothness of the Citroën on the winding road . Fifteen minutes later we arrived on Beach Road to the crashing sea and the rich salt air filling the car . Driving past apartment blocks and restaurants , we came to a lonely spot along the boardwalk with a bench . She stopped . The bench was wet , and in front of it was a railing . Below the railing the waves rolled thunderously over the rocks , and splashed with great force over our heads , hitting the pavement . I saw a huge spray of foam rise up and quickly ran back to the car . ' ' This is it , Billie ! This is it ! ' ' she thrilled , holding on to the railing , turning her nose to the sky as the sea smacked into her . The girl was mad , I thought , as I watched through the car window . She was revelling in it . Finally , she got back into the car with sopping jeans . We drove back without a word . That was Sabah ; high , with long moments of silence . I had seen this , even in Canada . She would invite me over for supper after work . We would have a great grand time playing Scrabble with her children - both her children were already avid players at the age of eight and ten - she would talk about her life back home , and then for no reason , she would fall silent . I never asked what she was thinking about . I knew . Her longing to return to South Africa for good was far more sorrowful than her disintegrating marriage . " A man I can get anywhere , Billie . I 'm not saying he can replace the father . But a man I can find anywhere . I can 't find me a new family . " Hardly six hours later the telephone rang . It was Sabah 's father asking what time we were coming . He was planning a barbecue for his side of the family , and expected us no later than two . Fa ' iq drove us to Walmer Estate , where the house and yard were crowded with people excited to see Sabah , Riaz standing in shorts in front of a smoking brick barbecue turning sausages and chops . The noise was deafening . Mr Solomon had four Dobermans - " his built - in alarm system , he said " - - and the Solomon men were such a loud bunch you could hear them all the way down at the store . Once , the story went , while listening to a boxing match on the kitchen radio in the sixties , the dogs panting at their feet , they were making such a racket cheering on the great Cassius Clay , that burglars had come in through the bedroom window and stolen all the blankets from the beds . When we 'd been in Cape Town three days and I still hadn 't gone to the bathroom , I felt a little less strange and asked Mrs Dollie if she had a laxative . She gave me a dose of castor oil , squeezing the juice of an orange onto my tongue afterwards . ' ' Best thing , Billie , ' ' she said . ' ' I always gave Sabah and her brothers this when they were small . It 'll work . Probably you 're a little constipated because this is all so strange to you . It can upset your routine . ' ' ' ' Wait till tomorrow , ' ' Mrs Dollie said . ' ' I gave her two teaspoons . We don 't want Billie having accidents in her pants . Aren 't you going to Caledon with Toyer tomorrow ? ' ' ' ' They 're not getting the Citroën again . You should see what they did to the seats , it was soaking wet . If they don 't like the Volksie , Fa ' iq can take them when he gets up . And he 's another one . He came in at four this morning . ' ' ' ' He can be gone now , Billie , for all I care . Leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor and never making up his bed . And I have to beg him to put the chemicals in the pool or to vacuum it . I won 't take his side one bit if Toeghfa complains . Fa ' iq ! ' ' she shouted towards the back of the house , ' ' Breakfast ! ' ' ' ' She 's a pretender , ' ' Riaz said . ' ' Fa ' iq 's her favourite . Tell her , Ma , how you always brag that he 's the only one who remembers Mother 's Day . My mother 's such a patsy for a phone call and chocolates , even if he takes the twenty right out of her purse to buy it . ' ' ' ' Billie ! Where were you yesterday ? Did you go out ? We were waiting for you to play cards . ' ' I 'd become a favorite , and taught them how to play scat . ' ' And Friday we 're going with Toyer to Caledon , ' ' Sabah added . ' ' Billie wants to go to a spa . Toyer also needs a woman to help in the house . He wants to get one from the farm . ' ' ' ' What 're you going with Toyer for ? He 's no relative of yours . Now everyone wants a piece of your time . You 're only here for a month . ' ' ' ' Mr Solomon ! ' ' I have to say that I liked him . I liked the whole family , but he and his ex - wife were at the top of my list . ' ' That 's right , Billie . All that studying 's turned him into a prune . Even I have a better sense of humor than that does . So , what do you think of our beautiful country , Billie ? Tell Mr Lawrence and Mr Fish what you think . ' ' ' ' Well , Mr Solomon , I didn 't see anyone with beads and feathers running around in the streets . Where 're the Zulus ? " I tell you my face was red most days in his company . He was the most outspoken man I 'd ever met . I could see where Sabah got her attitude from . Her tenacity she got from her mother , but the spirit was all Solomon . ' ' My wife has some brown pills , ' ' Mr Fish said . ' ' I can pop over to the house later on and get some . Mr Solomon knows she always had that problem with open bowels . ' ' Mr Lawrence chimed in . ' ' Eat lots of pineapple , that 's the best thing . All that acid will bring anything down . Don 't they have pineapples in Canada ? ' ' ' ' Aagh , their pineapples are not like ours . Listen to me - - what 's your name ? Billie ? Listen to me , Billie . Forget all these remedies . Just eat pineapple tonight . No meat and rice . And pineapple again in the morning . I guarantee you 'll go . ' ' ' ' Don 't worry , Billie , I have a good remedy for open bowels . I 've got something in the kitchen that 's bound to work . I made it four days ago . ' ' ' ' I told you , ' ' Sabah said to me . ' ' My family 's not well . My father can go on like this forever . He loves it . ' ' ' ' Come , Billie , let 's go inside . What kind of a name is Billie , anyway ? The name Billie in this country always comes with a pair of horns . ' ' I noted the difference in the two households . At the Dollie house , everything was spotless and in its place , with fresh flowers and lovely aromas . The radio was on low , the music switched off at sunset for half an hour to respect the maghrib prayers . You ate on time and you prayed on time . The Solomon place , on the other hand , was like a beach house for teenagers . There were sand prints from Dobermans , dirty ashtrays , dog bowls , piles of old newspapers and packs of cards right next to the condensed milk and sugar on the kitchen counter . The music was never switched off , and the fridge , when I opened it to get a can of condensed milk for Mr Solomon 's tea , made me take a step back . Nothing was sealed , and a big pot was jammed in on the same shelf with an opened can of peas , an overripe tomato , four biscuits on a saucer , and a half - eaten egg sandwich on a plate . ' ' Aagh , what , ' ' Mr Solomon said , ' ' Boeta Braim would want us to enjoy ourselves . Riaz , get the cards . Toeghfa , put on the kettle for tea , my girl . Let 's have a few hands for Boeta Braim . ' ' That 's how it was . I liked being in his house . There were no rules , no formal times for eating , and until you got hungry , no one knew whether someone was going to throw a few onions and potatoes and meat in a pot , or whether you were going to get a steak salad sandwich from Wembley . The spontaneity was in complete keeping with his character - which was also the same for Sabah . Mr Solomon and I went into the oak trim kitchen . Everything in there he 'd built with his own hands , he said , and showed me the missing thumb to prove it . He led me to two huge paraffin tins on the floor . He lifted the lid and the pungent ginger aroma hit my nose . I couldn 't wait . Anyone 's national anthem . Even God Save the Queen . But nothing happened , and we spent the next morning playing cards in our pyjamas and gowns with friends who had come to find out which horses Mr Solomons was favoring for the jackpot , Mr Solomon all the while continuing to pour ginger beer into my glass . At lunch time there was the horn of a car hooting impatiently outside - Mrs Dollie in her polished Citroën , waiting to take us to Wynberg . Mr Solomon raised his right brow in that way he had when he was about to get cocky . ' ' Your mother 's getting mighty bold driving that car up my street every day , ' ' he said to no one in particular . ' ' I wouldn 't be surprised if that woman still has a thing for me . Ever since I saw her in Salt River a few weeks ago , she 's getting brave . I tell you , Billie , she couldn 't get out of that car fast enough , preening like a peacock , almost falling over her feet . ' ' We said goodbye to everyone and jumped into the car , pyjamas and all , and then had to listen to Mrs Dollie 's version of how she had bumped into the old goat in Salt River , and him purposely parking his van behind her to have a better look . The man had to get over his ridiculousness . He was almost sixty . ' ' It 's a heat wave out there , ' ' Mrs Dollie shouted from the kitchen window . ' ' I 'm not coming out . You girls can come in if you want something to drink . ' ' ' ' Skinny dipping ? What nonsense is this ? Is that what you learned in Canada ? To swim without clothes on ? If my mother was alive now , she 'd die all over again . ' ' ' ' What ? ' ' She walked around the pool to the grass on the other side . ' ' You stand like this , and you lean your leg slightly inwards , then you let the pee run down your thigh . ' ' She closed her eyes to the sun , smiling like the devil as the pee trailed down her leg into the grass . ' ' God , this feels good ! It 's such a nice warm feeling against your leg , and straight into the ground . Don 't you have to pee ? ' ' Then we saw Suleiman Adams come through the garage . Mrs Dollie must 've been performing her prayers and not heard him knock . I looked at Sabah . She had also just registered his presence and become aware of her nakedness . But she didn 't jump back into the pool . She looked at him , smiling innocently . ' ' You can 't pick a worse place than this , Billie . We 're right in the open . We 'll have to drive quite a distance when we cross the pass before we find any trees . ' ' ' ' Wait till your wife hears about this , ' ' Sabah said , taking a few heavy drags . She exhaled , giving a naughty smile . " We don 't have this quality in Canada . ' ' We were in a line of cars high up on the mountain . When I looked down at the steep fall , I got dizzy . We moved higher , around a dangerous curve . Toyer put on the indicator and came to an abrupt halt . I climbed hastily over Toeghfa who was taking too long to get out . Out on the narrow gravel shoulder , I ripped at my jeans . I didn 't dare look over the cliff and didn 't care about the cars coming up the hill or the wind blowing up my arse . I hit everything , including the tire of the car . I was in a strange country with my arse over a cliff , shitting all over my jeans . Who would believe such a story ? And who would 've just packed up and crossed continents anyway with a co - worker they hardly knew ? She tore off more paper and handed it to me . ' ' Billie , it 's just us here . Take off your jeans . You 'll have to sit in this blanket . ' ' I stepped out of my pants , and with my foot scraped both my jeans and my mess over the cliff . Then kicked over my shoes . My bum burned . I felt crampy and soiled . Toeghfa handed her a bottle , which she gave to me . I washed my hands and my feet . Wrapped like a mummy from the waist down , I got back into the car . When Mr Solomon heard what had happened , he gloated all over again about the potency of his home brew . For days there were enquiries about my bowels , and advice on follow - up maintenance . Mr Lawrence brought a box of pineapples and a few packets of dried fruit , just in case , and even Suleiman brought prunes . There was only one incident during my visit to Cape Town to really remind me where I was . Sabah and I had to go to pick up something for her mother at a shop in Athlone and returned to find the car standing on four bricks . We couldn 't believe it . The tires had been stolen in broad daylight right in front of the Athlone Police Station . The constable on duty had a friendly smile , and pointed us to the other side of the wooden partition . " I don 't live in this country . My mother lives in Athlone . Now , can I tell you what I 'm here for ? Our car was parked outside , and - ' ' ' ' Can you believe this , Billie ? They can 't make up their minds what the fuck I am . First I 'm not white enough , and now I 'm not black enough ! ' ' I didn 't know what she was talking about . She refused to do what the cop asked , and we went back outside . In the end we went looking for a public telephone to call Fa ' iq to come and sort it all out . A few days before our departure I noticed that Mrs Dollie was no longer clamoring for Sabah 's attention . In fact , she seemed to be attempting to create some distance . Coming into the kitchen early one morning , I caught her deep in thought at the sink , looking through the window at the trees in the yard . Sabah had warned me . Her mother went into mourning while she was still there . ' ' Oh , nothing , ' ' she said , not her usual perky self . ' ' I think I 'll stay home and make some pastries for next week . Are you missing Canada ? ' ' ' ' What 's a mother , hey ? All children are the same . My own mother died six months after Sabah left in 1968 . I still miss her today . Can you believe that ? A grown woman like me ? Sometimes , when I think of Sabah so far away , I cry for my mother , and I cry for Sabah . My mother always used to say that you can have ten sons , it doesn 't equal one girl . My sons are good sons , Billie , don 't get me wrong . But sons are not like daughters . They take wives and move on with their lives . A daughter is yours , no matter who she 's with . Do you have any brothers ? ' ' " That 's nice . Me and Sabah are close too . We did a lot of things together before she left for Canada . Did she tell you why she went ? " ' ' I 'm not coming to the airport on Friday , ' ' he mumbled one night when we came to see him . There were no cards , no visitors . The evening paper lay folded on the chair in the front room . Then his expression changed , and he seemed almost cross . ' ' I don 't know when you 're coming home , Sabah . You 've been there eight years now . ' ' ' ' I know . But my children 's father lives in Canada . He won 't come here , and I can 't take them away from him . ' ' On the day of our departure , Sabah asked Riaz to take her first to her father 's house before heading for the airport . She 'd tried all day to get him on the telephone . When we got to the Solomon house , there was no one there - which in itself was very unusual as Mr Solomon never liked to leave the house , even to go shopping . Mr Lawrence , or one of his sons had to pick up things for him . Our bags were checked in , and we started to edge towards the metal gate . All around us , sad faces looked on , people pushing chocolates and gifts into our hands . I noticed a hardness in Sabah . There was no emotion . Her mother was crying into a wad of tissues , supported by Toeghfa and Saliya on the bench . We stepped through the metal gate . On the plane we said a few words to each other , and she went to sleep . She was that other Sabah again . Somewhere over Africa , I started to feel weepy . When I look back on that trip , I can 't say what happened . If it was the sea air , the magic of Africa , or the level of intimacy I experienced with Sabah 's family . I just know that I sat on that plane , and felt very exhausted and alone . It is unfortunate that when people refer to polygamy the common reaction is that Muslim men can have many wives . It is untrue on many levels . Yes , a Muslim man can have more than one wife but under very specific conditions . First , however , understand that Muslims did not invent polygamy . Polygamy existed long before the advent of Islam among several civilizations ; all Islam did was bring more order to the system and make it more organized and palatable to women . God does not like the idea of divorce . When the women lost their husbands during the Battle of Uhud , women were desperate . Who would feed them ? How would they survive ? God said that if a woman with children had lost her husband during a war , she could be married too to another man whose wife agreed to the arrangement . Polygamy was allowed mainly to protect women . Proof of polygamy practiced long before Islam Let 's take a look at some verses in the Bible where it states clearly in 2 Samuel 5 : 13 that after David left Hebron , that he ' took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem and more sons and daughters were born to him ' - and in 1 Kings 11 . 3 that ' Solomon had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines . ' These are just two references ; the Bible and the Qur ' an have many such references . This is just to establish that by the time of Jesus and Mohamed that polygamy was already well established . Muslims did not invent polygamy ; they brought order to the system and in the process also made it more palatable for women . Women were afforded rights . They could keep their own name after marriage . They did not have to share their property or give their property to their husbands . They were assured a portion of the inheritance of the estate when the husband died . These changes gave dignity to women in Islam . • Where a couple has tried for years to conceive , without success , and the wife allows him to have another wife so they can have children . The second wife in most cases will have her own flat or apartment and the husband will spend his time equally between them . • Where a wife is ill and bedridden and the husband needs a wife to care for him ; this would of course be with his first wife 's consent . Note , these can be sticky situations , but everything works with the other partner 's consent . Richard Cook eased his silver Mercedes into the driveway , the wrought iron gates closing silently behind him . Seeing a tall African man pacing on the stoep balling and unballing his fists gave him a start . His wife , Jennifer , directed his attention to the woman and child sitting under the jacarandah tree eating sandwiches out of a brown paper bag . " What a nerve . How did they get in ? " he asked . Richard switched off the car and got out . The man came down from the stoep , the woman gathering up her things on the lawn , coming towards them holding the hand of the little girl . " Good afternoon , boss , " the man started . " I am Jonas Mbulu and this is - come here , Lucky - my wife , Lucky , and my daughter , Shona . " " You 're trespassing on my property , " Richard Cook said . " How did you get in ? " Jonas had his cap in his hand , crunching it in a knot . " We climbed over the gate . I know it 's wrong , but we couldn 't take the chance that someone else would come to you first . " " You sacked your gardener , boss . I wanted to apply for the job . I 'm good with my hands . I 've looked after gardens and horses and can fix many things . " Jonas nodded his head that he understood . " He did wrong , boss . His cousin did die , but he did wrong . He could 've asked . " " That 's not all . He let one of his friends stay in the house while he went out . The friend took off with the VCR . We need a gardener , but this time we want references . " Jonas reached into his pocket . It was the moment he 'd been waiting for , to be asked for references . " I have a paper that says where I worked , boss . The telephone number 's on it . Lucky has a reference , also . She worked for a madam in Sea Point , but the madam has gone to live in another country . We can both work for you if you 'll give us a job . We 're honest people , we 've been looking for work for a long time . We waited three hours in your garden , boss , give us a chance . " Richard studied the man with the cap in his hand . Jonas had on clean clothes . He was fit , in his thirties , his wife a slim , young woman standing neatly at his side . It was the little girl , in a hand - me - down navy pleated skirt and white blouse several sizes too big for her , and shoes with laces made out of string that decided him . " Let 's see the letter . " Jonas handed it over . Richard read it . He didn 't show his surprise . Jonas had worked as a chauffeur and gardener for an American businessman when the company , succumbing to political pressure in l993 , closed its doors in South Africa and Jonas was let go . One afternoon , Richard came home from work and found Jonas uprooting an old tree . " I want to talk to you for a minute , Jonas . Can you come inside ? " " I 've been thinking , Jonas , my stripper 's gone back to the Transkei . I can use someone like you at the shop , stripping and refinishing antiques . What do you say ? Are you interested ? " Jonas ' eyes opened slightly at the offer . His face was still wet , and drops of water sat in sparkling crystals in his wiry hair above his forehead and ears . " A job at the shop , boss ? " " Yes . I can get someone else to do the gardening here , unless you want to do that too . The job at the shop is hard work , but pays double what you get now . " " That 's not a problem , boss . I 'll be here by six . I would very much like that job . Oh yes , very much . " " I 'll do that too , boss . We need the money . I could work in the garden a little every night after work and whole day Sunday if I have to . " " Sunday 's your day off , " Jennifer chimed in . " That 's all right , madam . Lucky and me , we are saving for something . What do I do anyway on a Sunday except sit with my neighbor , Bantu , and his wife and watch television until the battery runs out ? " Richard took out a cigarette and lit it . " We 've decided to give you the room in the yard . There 's a toilet and shower , and I 'll build on a small kitchen . It 's not big , but you wouldn 't have to go back to the squatter camp . You can live here as long as you want . " " Here , sir ? " Lucky asked incredulously . She turned to Jennifer . " On madam 's premises ? " Lucky looked from Jennifer to her husband . " No one has been this good to us . And the room 's not small , madam , it 's big . For us it 's more than we have . And water right in the kitchen . It 's too much . " " Lucky 's right , boss , " Jonas said . " This is too much good news . A job at the shop , and now you are offering us a place to stay . We don 't know how to say thank you . We don 't know how , boss , but we can 't take it . " The Cooks looked at each other . " You can 't ? Why not ? " Richard asked . Jonas stood upright . " We 've always lived in the Imizamo Yethu village , boss . We don 't know any other place . We gotta number there . We feel strong about that number , it 's the only thing we have . And the government 's offering 80 square meter sites with a toilet , water , and electricity . We 're saving for one of those . We want to own our own home . We 've never owned a home , boss . " " That 's wonderful , Jonas , " Jennifer said . " We didn 't know you had these plans . How much will a house like that cost ? " " Five thousand rand , madam . That 's why we are happy for this job . We 'll be able to put our names down and have a house by next year . A lot of people are waiting for the free houses the ANC promised . Lucky and me , we don 't want anything for free . We want to build our first home in the new South Africa . We want to say Jonas and Lucky did it , and pay for it with our own money . " Richard inhaled slowly on his cigarette . Jennifer sipped on her tea . That evening after supper when the Mbulus had gone home , Jennifer returned to the subject . " We should help them , Rick . We could help them with the down payment . You can deduct it from Jonas ' pay . " " You know he will . Everything he does , he does neatly and with care . Admit it , you couldn 't get the rust off that old Mazda . He sanded it down , sealed it , and touched it up . You can get it roadworthied now if you want . We couldn 't ask for more honest people . I still can 't believe they turned down a room with toilet facilities . " " How much of a down payment ? " " One or two thousand rand . We can stand surety for the balance . It 'll make it easier for them to get a loan . We can also give them Sandra 's old bed , it 's just taking up space . And the sofa , and some of the chairs . " Richard waited a month before he spoke to the Mbulus again . He sat them down , and outlined the plan . " I 've already inquired from the RSC the figures involved . I 'll take you and Lucky with me to the bank . I 'll guarantee the loan . If it 's all right with you , I 'll deduct two hundred rand a month until you 've paid me back . If you 're going to borrow three thousand from the bank , I suggest you pay them the same . More , if you can afford it . That way you won 't be on their books for too long . " The Mbulus were stunned by the offer of assistance . Jonas vowed to repay every cent borrowed . Lucky said the Cooks could take half her salary towards the loan . Richard made an appointment with the manager at his branch , and it was agreed that Jonas would pay four hundred rand a month to the bank . For this they would receive a small house with a verandah , a front door , and two windows . There was no insulation or separate rooms , but the Mbulus could add to it over time . The months passed . The Mbulus worked hard , and saved . Finally , the big day arrived , and Jennifer drove them in the company van to their new home the second week in May . It was the first of the government homes . Every neighbur turned out to see the neat little wooden structure with its verandah and potted plant . " I 'm not lucky , Muriel , " Lucky said , aware of the people standing around . " You can also have one . " Muriel lived with her sons in a shack that threatened to lift off over their heads every time the wind blew , and was the most disgruntled person in the neighborhood . " We are not so rich , " another neighbor chimed in , " that we have five thousand rand . Five thousand rand , isn 't it , for one of these ? We didn 't know you had so much money . Does the madam have a job for us , too ? " " What about your old couch , Lucky ? The one with the three plastic legs ? " Bertie " haircut " called somewhere from the back of the crowd . " Will you have use for it now that you have such a grand one ? " " You can have it if you want , Bertie , " Jonas said from the top of the truck . " The house is too small for two couches . " Muriel wasn 't pleased to hear this . " Lucky , you are letting Jonas give that couch to someone else ? I asked you long ago for it . Now you are just giving it to Bertie who already has that fake velvet sofa that scratches your legs . Has she even given your Shona one free haircut ? Look how many times I looked after Shona for you when you went to work . " Lucky didn 't know what to do . " You never asked for the couch , Muriel . This is the first time I am hearing you want that old thing . " " Now it 's an old thing ? Before , you entertained your best friends on it . Perhaps we were not your best friends . Or perhaps you have better things now . Do you have anything else you want to throw out ? " Muriel turned to Jennifer . " She is lucky , this Lucky . And she 's not called Lucky for nothing . She 's lucky to get a man like Jonas . Before , Jonas had a job with a foreigner , and Lucky worked for a good madam in Sea Point . Me and Bertie and some of the others , we 're not so lucky . Our husbands left us with children and went off after other women . We have to find things to do where we can look after our children and work . " Jennifer listened to her complaint , and said she was sorry to hear it . " You mustn 't feel guilty , Lucky , " she said when the three - legged couch and chairs had been given away and the neighbors had moved off . " You and Jonas have worked hard . You 've made your own luck . You deserve this . " " Yes , madam , " Lucky said uncertainly , a lot of her earlier enthusiasm gone . " But if we didn 't come to work for madam , we wouldn 't have this house . Perhaps we were lucky . " On a wet afternoon in July eight weeks later , Richard and Jennifer pulled into the driveway and saw the Mbulus waiting for them on the stoep . It was much like that first day when the Mbulus had come looking for work . Only now there was a heavy curtain of rain sweeping across the lawn , drenching them where they huddled close to the door . They got out and walked up to the Mbulus . " What 's wrong , Jonas ? You look in a state , man , " Richard said . He noticed the blankets , black with soot marks , and smelling strongly of smoke . Lucky started to sob . Jonas put his arm around her . Richard turned to the little girl , dressed in a nightie with no shoes on her feet , and a thin blanket over her shoulders . She wasn 't a talker on the best of days , but looked up at him with big eyes , and said , " They burn our house … the other people … " Have you become so comfortable in your marriage that you do not take the same care now with your appearance that you did when you first met ? Is your husband still careful with his grooming and diet and exercise regime and always looking good ? This is telling evidence that you are falling off the scoreboard and allowing the marriage to go stale . A marriage that is dull and without luster will not last long if the couple puts no work into it . Here are some telling signs that you are taking your man and your marriage for granted . Bad breath a deal breaker Surprisingly , these are the small things which eventually build up which you cannot pinpoint when someone asks you what went wrong . There are insidious and nagging thoughts in your head that you are not doing enough , but still you do nothing about it . Did you think when you got married that you could just lie back and not develop marital friendship and intimacy ? Or that you would find a woman or a man and fall instantly IN love and live on a high forever ? The bottom line with every kind of relationship is that partners grow bored with one another just like you cannot eat the same food every day . Well , you cannot change partners , but you can spice things up . A big sign that you are neglecting your man is that you no longer do the small things which you enjoyed when you first started dating . Are you still playing Scrabble at the club where you played once a week , got the opportunity to play with your partner in a competition , or got involved in things which used to interest both of you ? Are you still meeting your friends for scones and tea on Saturday afternoons ? Are you still seeing your friends ? Are things still hot in the bedroom ? Think of the best kind of relationship you would want ; a companion that cares for you , and is there for you , one you can tell anything to and never betrays you , one who has your best interest at heart . And happily , very happily , one you still want to be close to and intimate with . The first thing to forget is having a friend who knows a bit about snapping pictures shooting the event . You have spent months planning the bridal finery , the catering , the kind of wedding - a Zulu wedding if it is a destination wedding where the couple is dressed in leather strips and feathers , or perhaps a Bedouin 's nuptials in a tent - and you cannot afford to make a mistake with the kind of photographer you need . A wedding such as the one you have in mind may need a year 's planning and an expert wedding photographer . The quality of the photographer 's work will be what lends beauty and quality to the shots . • Ask to see photographs and videos of other weddings he has photographed . Check for framing and composition and whether shots have been properly lit . You don 't want to end up suing him for poor quality photographs . • Visit his studio and check through samples of his work . Your wedding day is special and you don 't want to forget things or make mistakes . • Ask him for ideas . If he has filmed or photographed a lot of weddings he will be well experienced and may come up with some classic shots . http : / / www . raydajacobs . blogspot . com
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I reckon before I tell you about Jeremy Vosloo , I should start with two years ago , the year the blacks started protesting the use of Afrikaans in their schools in Soweto and the protests grew into riots , setting off a wave of demonstrations spreading throughout the country until it arrived ugly and angry in Cape Town and my father had this bright idea to send me to private school . He always had these bright ideas , my father , from the brooders and turkey - cocks he brought home one Saturday afternoon in a cage in the back of the bakkie declaring that we no longer had to buy eggs from Mr Doep , the chicken pen eventually growing into a cacophony of red - combed birds snapping at your heels , no one collecting the eggs or raking up , to the sheep and goats , and a stubborn ewe charging all the visitors . My father , you see , had grown up one of nine sons in a box in District Six , and had dreamed of a backyard where he could swing his arms without knocking into his neighbour 's lavatory . When his clothing factory landed this big account , taking fashion stores from Cape Town to Mafeking , we moved from a comfortable house on the slopes of Walmer Estate , where there was life and civilisation , to this remote place in Philippi he likes to call the farm . Now , despite all the sudden complaints after the lorry pulled away with our things - - the place had been too cramped , too high on the hill , the hot - water cylinder didn 't hold enough - - there was something about that Ravenscraig Road beauty , all highly polished oak smelling of lavendar wax and my grandmother 's crunchy pine nuts tamaletjies , that was hard to resist . The kind of house you could run through from front door to kitchen and out the back in four seconds flat and travel years with all the history and life steeped in those high beams and plastered walls . And that 's another thing . Even my illiterate grandmother sitting with her huge bum on our folded pyjamas , pressing them on the stoep , eating raspberry ice blocks with condensed milk with sies Galima from across the street , neeBut I really should start with that first day , my mother driving me in the silver Benz , depositing me new satchel and all in front of this school with hundreds of green - blazered boys on the grounds , the only snoekie in a sea of yellowtail . I knew I was in the right class when I saw my name on the board , and in the wrong school when I stood by myself during break . I cursed my parents . How could they do this to me when I could 've been with Rudwan at Sinton High ? I noticed this boy with platinum hair and a cowlick , a garden snake in his hand , chasing after a fat student called Albert Mostert , who was clearly horrified . Albert 's short legs carried him chop chop to the principal 's office where Jeremy got a warning , and was quickly relieved of his pet . Sitting three seats behind them in Biology class , I watched Jeremy look furtively behind him , take a chameleon out of his pocket , and put it down Albert 's neck . Albert jumped up with a scream . Mr Greaves dropped the chalk he was busy writing with at the blackboard , demanding the name of the culprit . Jeremy looked about as curious as the rest of the class to see who could 've done such a thing . It looked like I 'd found a friend . That weekend Rudwan visited , and watched from the safe side of the henhouse while I waded through a gang of angry birds collecting eggs for a neighbour , my takkies crunching in the grey and white shit . I mean , were we an eggerama or something that we had to supply the neighborhood ? We ate so many things made with eggs - - puddings , omelettes , souffles - - you could pull fat worms from our veins . The pittance charged didn 't even cover the chicken feed . ' ' That 's stupid . Sinton hasn 't got sturvy rules like that , and you can eat and chew what you want . Did you make any friends ? ' ' My father put his fork down , and laughed . When Ruby was three and refused to wear anything but purple underwear , he sent his typist to Woolworths for two dozen in that shade . I had to wait six weeks for Pacman , and Ruby had only to pout and flash those almond eyes and my father would give his okay . After I 'd been at my new school three months , I asked if I could have Jeremy over for the weekend . My mother said yes , but my father couldn 't quite wrap himself around the idea of an Afrikaner boy in his home . Family visited on weekends , he said , he didn 't want trouble and envy surrounding his son . But he agreed , with conditions and warnings . The factory closed at four on Fridays , the one day we could count on him to sit down to supper with us , and a favorite time because he would listen to grievances , hand out pocket money , toffee rolls , comic books , putting Milano 's troubles behind him for a few hours . I must say I was anxious to see what he thought of my blue - eyed friend - and also a bit nervous about my sisters putting me in the eyes . In between helpings of mash and peas , I found him glancing occasionally at Jeremy ; how he held the fork , cut his meat , the way he put the food in his mouth - - not too different from us except he ate a little slower , giving the food a few more chews . But then Jeremy didn 't have three siblings rushing to prong their forks into the last chop . Jeremy had a good way of speaking to his elders , sort of well - behaved without being overly reserved , and my father was impressed by things like that . Of course he had no idea that Jeremy was the school prankster and Mr Greaves ' worst nightmare . I sat there listening to my sisters ask the questions I hadn 't asked , and Jeremy answering all of them . But what a combo for parents ; a police sergeant and a fighter pilot , protecting South Africa 's inhabitants . Who couldn 't be proud of that ? The next morning my father was ready to drive off in his bakkie when Ruby ran out to tell me that Rudwan had just called to say that he would get a lift with his father and would be there soon . I was busy wiping the windscreen , and my father leaned his head out the window . ' ' He 's your cousin , you be nice . ' ' He had this stupid fear that because I was friends with Jeremy , I was going to think I was white . Parents , I tell you . They put you out in this dinghy without a life jacket , then blame you if you drown . ' ' I 'm not oorgetrek , you idiot . We have to finish gluing this thing tonight so we can paint it in the morning , and he doesn 't understand . He wants to go play kennetjie in the dark . ' ' ' ' Then why did I ask you to come ? And what 's the big deal , anyway ? We can play tomorrow , and then you can show off ! ' ' ' ' Are you satisfied now , you snot ? We asked if you wanted to help , but you didn 't want to . What 's your problem , man ? ' ' We slunk back into my room , and I cursed myself for inviting him . Jeremy pretended nothing was wrong , and I felt shitty having him there . We were showing a very bad side . Worse , when I 'd told Rudwan he could come , I 'd not thought of the sleeping arrangements . To prevent war , I threw three cushions between the twin beds and tossed restlessly all night on the floor listening to their machine - gun farts . ' ' It 's not his fault . And he has no problem having a Muslim boy for a friend . It 's today 's children who 're going to change things , not us . ' ' ' ' Today 's black children , and coloured children . Not them . Do you think that after three centuries , they can flush it out with epsom salts ? ' ' ' ' Who said anything about the government ? It 's you I 'm thinking about . Doesn 't it bother you that he hasn 't asked you once to come and meet his family ? ' ' ' ' It does , when I think about it . I don 't know where he lives , and he knows where we keep the cheese in the fridge . I think about it , but I put it out of my mind . We 're friends , that hasn 't changed , and he 's going nowhere for the holidays . ' ' ' ' His family 's never tried to find out about us . I find that very strange also . You don 't think we 'd let you spend weekends at someone 's house without knowing where it is or who those people are ? This is two weeks in the Wilderness . ' ' ' ' I don 't know why I bother to ask you . You 'll bring the whole soccer team if you can . You have four children , you know , not yet five . Don 't you find it strange that his mother 's never called us , or tried to find out who we are ? ' ' The day before the trip my mother and I went to pick Jeremy up . He had given me the address , and I was looking forward to see where he lived . I don 't know what I expected at 63 Crosby Street , but my spirits sank when we stopped in front of a crumbly - walled cottage with an overgrown path , a rusted bicycle leaning against a wheelbarrow growing weeds under a mulberry tree with trampled berries on the hard ground . I wanted to believe that we were at the wrong house , when the front door opened and Jeremy , who must 've been watching from the window , came out with his rucksack and fishing rod . He didn 't close the door behind him , and no one came out to see him off . Later that evening Jeremy and I packed the coolers with frozen chops and boerewors , afterwards stealing smokes from the head gardener in the backyard . One of our favourite things was sitting with Faan and Piet outside their quarters dragging on their hand - rolled cigarettes , but that night Jeremy was strangely reserved . I don 't know if it was the tobacco , the upcoming trip , or picking him up at his house , but several times while chewing the fat with the boys , I caught him staring off in the dark . At eleven my mother turned off the TV , and we went to bed . Shortly after midnight , somewhere in the dimness of sleep , I heard the gates roll open , the car drive into the garage , and heard voices . I perked my ears , and turned to Jeremy in the next bed . He wasn 't there . Through the window I saw his white hair reflected in the moonlight , standing on the verandah in the dark . ' ' When I first had supper at your house ten months ago . My father was a fighter pilot , and he did die in an air raid - that was the truth . But my mother 's not who I said she was . ' ' ' ' Elspeth is the woman who looks after me . She and my father never married , but I look at her as my mother . Elspeth 's a cashier at OK Bazaars . ' ' I sank back into my pillow , with the same hollow feeling as the time Miss Thebus in Standard Three had told us Merle , the girl who sat next to me in class , had died of TB . I watched them there in the moonlight , my oppositionist father and my silver - haired friend . ' ' Do you think , Jeremy , that these figs will be ripe by the time we get back from the trip ? My wife planted this tree five years ago , and every year these small little things come out and drop rock hard to the ground . ' ' Of course , we never spoke about it , Jeremy and me . On the trip my heart swelled when I saw my mother drape his socks over a branch to dry , and my father include him in everything . I turned the chops on the braai , noticing my parents for the first time . Maybe one day one of them or Jeremy will tell me about it and I won 't have to wade through the Carnegies in the phone book . In a small town like Peterborough in the early seventies , you didn 't meet many South Africans . But suddenly there she was at the desk Mr Chapman 's secretary used to occupy , plugged into the dictaphone , looking over a file . ' ' Bitchy , ' ' some of the girls said , avoiding her in the lunch room . ' ' Judgemental and uptight . ' ' They were right . Everything that came out of her mouth was a biting remark . Canadians were insipid , ungrateful , unappreciative . They had to live in a country where you stood in the rain for a bus while an empty one for whites went by to understand the freedom they had . The office played in a bowling league , and Sabah and her husband , Miles , were on our team . There wasn 't much chatter those first months - - Sabah throwing mostly gutter balls , not good at any sports , she claimed . Still , we did somehow become friends , hard and fast by the end of the season when she threw a bad ball , costing us the game , and Miles had shown his true colors . She spoke of her marriage . The problem wasn 't infidelity , cheating , or physical abuse , but a lie six years ago when he 'd promised her that they would move to South Africa if she married him . In the end , after two children , he just laughed and said Canada was where his mother was . I didn 't know Ella from Lena before meeting Sabah , but took to going to her house on the weekends to listen to her great collection of jazz and stories of home . She 'd grown up with the sounds of Satchmo , Gillespie and the Monk , she said - - both her brothers were sax players . One Saturday I arrived to a van outside the house , and Miles packing all his belongings into it . When the van had disappeared down the road , she turned to me . ' ' I 'm going home to catch my breath for a few weeks , Billie . Wanna come ? ' ' The first problem , scarcely ten minutes on South African soil , was who had first rights to us . Mrs Dollie - - she 'd gone back to her maiden name - - claimed that as she was the mother she deserved the honour of Sabah coming home to her house , so the destination was Athlone , and ' ' Please , everybody , we 'll see you there . ' ' Mr Solomon , Sabah 's father , said that he had specially prepared a room with two single beds for Sabah and her friend , that his ex - wife didn 't have first rights and that Sabah was going with him to Walmer Estate . Sabah 's eldest brother , Riaz , then chimed in , saying he was married now , had a big house , and wanted his sister with him . All this in the parking lot while cousins and uncles and aunts waited to hear in which direction they should point their cars . In the end , Sabah refused to go anywhere and they finally agreed to one day with her mother , one day with her father , weekends left open for brothers , cousins and friends . I stood with my bags at my feet listening . This wasn 't the city I 'd imagined and heard so much about . I 'd expected unrest , a darkness of spirit . Cape Town was nothing like that . The day was hot , sunny , and bright - a far cry from the grey skies of Peterborough - Table Mountain beckoning . And all around me were the sounds of the family , all speaking as fast as Sabah . I knew I was in for a heck of a holiday . Mrs Dollie 's house was a lovely , whitewashed , Spanish - style bungalow , chockful of antiques , African rugs and artifacts , with a pool surrounded by some unusual thorn and red - leaved trees in the yard . Mrs Dollie couldn 't swim , and had once fallen into the pool trying to manouver an avocado from a branch overhead . Two people had to get her out , even though the water was only six feet deep . ' ' Don 't stand near the edge , Billie , ' ' she warned . ' ' They wait for you to stand there in your nice clothes , then chuck you in . Riaz is just a terrible boy . When this house was first built and the Imam came to bless it , he knocked the Imam into the pool , clothes and all . ' ' ' ' Don 't laugh , ' ' Mrs Dollie said . ' ' The poor man 's fez was floating in the deep end , he almost drowned . ' ' ' ' Serves him right for telling us Muslims shouldn 't have pools . ' ' Mrs Dollie lived alone with her youngest son , Fa ' iq , and there was ample room , she said , so she didn 't know why Sabah still had to go and sleep at her father 's as if he deserved equal time . The kitchen was noisy with aunts and neighbors pouring tea , all waiting to hear about Canada . Mrs Dollie clucked like an excited hen over the proceedings . That first night , watching Sabah with her family , the bossa nova rhythms of Stan Getz swelling and dipping over the laughter and noise , and tea and coffee coming non - stop from the kitchen with plates of jam tarts , custard rolls and chocolate eclairs , I felt swept up by the wave of events . No one was concerned about how much they ate , or the order in which food was served , and I watched enviously as brothers and cousins and friends just dug into dessert , later rounding it all off with chicken breyani and mango juice . Where I came from , you had to be invited to a meal . You said grace , you started with salad or soup , and everyone sat down , all at the same time . If there was music , it was usually some classical piece my father put on to aid digestion . The meal was understated , and you ate just enough . There was dessert only on weekends , and would be nothing more than custard with canned fruit , or a slice of fruit cake . ' ' Your future brother - in - law , Suleiman Adams . My sister , Toeghfa over there , is engaged to your brother , Fa ' iq . ' ' ' ' She 's a doctor , ' ' Mrs Dollie said proudly . " From the BoKaap . Fa ' iq , didn 't you introduce Toeghfa to Sabah ? " Suleiman continued with Sabah , obviously fascinated by her . ' ' I 've never heard the eff word used with so many variations , ' ' he said . He turned to Sabah 's mother in wonderment . ' ' I didn 't know , Mrs Dollie , that you have a daughter like this . ' ' Mrs Dollie laughed as if someone had praised her . " She 's like that . She 's very naughty . " She made no move to say anything to Sabah . Sabah could 've done a somersault on the oak table , she would 've loved it . She was just too glad for her daughter to be there . I became aware of myself as I sat there grinning , the onlooker , the friend . I was in an environment entirely different from my own in Canada . My home was a quiet one , with my mother playing bridge with friends on Tuesday nights , and my father building model airplanes in the basement in his spare time . A party would consist of no more than six or eight people in the backyard having a barbecue and one or two beers . It was in Cape Town I really came to see who Sabah was . Suleiman came to the Dollie house several times , taking us out for scenic drives and dinners , trying to gain Sabah 's interest . But Sabah was only at the beginning of her grief over her broken marriage , and wasn 't interested in anyone . That didn 't mean , though , that she didn 't have a darn good time teasing the heck out of Suleiman . When the last guests finally left at around two in the morning , and I was starting to feel dizzy from the long flight and all the excitement , Sabah said she was taking a quick drive in her mother 's car to Sea Point . She always went to this one particular place on her first night home . So off we went , in the middle of the night , up the mountainous De Waal Drive , overlooking the city and harbour lights , comforted by the smoothness of the Citroën on the winding road . Fifteen minutes later we arrived on Beach Road to the crashing sea and the rich salt air filling the car . Driving past apartment blocks and restaurants , we came to a lonely spot along the boardwalk with a bench . She stopped . The bench was wet , and in front of it was a railing . Below the railing the waves rolled thunderously over the rocks , and splashed with great force over our heads , hitting the pavement . I saw a huge spray of foam rise up and quickly ran back to the car . ' ' This is it , Billie ! This is it ! ' ' she thrilled , holding on to the railing , turning her nose to the sky as the sea smacked into her . The girl was mad , I thought , as I watched through the car window . She was revelling in it . Finally , she got back into the car with sopping jeans . We drove back without a word . That was Sabah ; high , with long moments of silence . I had seen this , even in Canada . She would invite me over for supper after work . We would have a great grand time playing Scrabble with her children - both her children were already avid players at the age of eight and ten - she would talk about her life back home , and then for no reason , she would fall silent . I never asked what she was thinking about . I knew . Her longing to return to South Africa for good was far more sorrowful than her disintegrating marriage . " A man I can get anywhere , Billie . I 'm not saying he can replace the father . But a man I can find anywhere . I can 't find me a new family . " Hardly six hours later the telephone rang . It was Sabah 's father asking what time we were coming . He was planning a barbecue for his side of the family , and expected us no later than two . Fa ' iq drove us to Walmer Estate , where the house and yard were crowded with people excited to see Sabah , Riaz standing in shorts in front of a smoking brick barbecue turning sausages and chops . The noise was deafening . Mr Solomon had four Dobermans - " his built - in alarm system , he said " - - and the Solomon men were such a loud bunch you could hear them all the way down at the store . Once , the story went , while listening to a boxing match on the kitchen radio in the sixties , the dogs panting at their feet , they were making such a racket cheering on the great Cassius Clay , that burglars had come in through the bedroom window and stolen all the blankets from the beds . When we 'd been in Cape Town three days and I still hadn 't gone to the bathroom , I felt a little less strange and asked Mrs Dollie if she had a laxative . She gave me a dose of castor oil , squeezing the juice of an orange onto my tongue afterwards . ' ' Best thing , Billie , ' ' she said . ' ' I always gave Sabah and her brothers this when they were small . It 'll work . Probably you 're a little constipated because this is all so strange to you . It can upset your routine . ' ' ' ' Wait till tomorrow , ' ' Mrs Dollie said . ' ' I gave her two teaspoons . We don 't want Billie having accidents in her pants . Aren 't you going to Caledon with Toyer tomorrow ? ' ' ' ' They 're not getting the Citroën again . You should see what they did to the seats , it was soaking wet . If they don 't like the Volksie , Fa ' iq can take them when he gets up . And he 's another one . He came in at four this morning . ' ' ' ' He can be gone now , Billie , for all I care . Leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor and never making up his bed . And I have to beg him to put the chemicals in the pool or to vacuum it . I won 't take his side one bit if Toeghfa complains . Fa ' iq ! ' ' she shouted towards the back of the house , ' ' Breakfast ! ' ' ' ' She 's a pretender , ' ' Riaz said . ' ' Fa ' iq 's her favourite . Tell her , Ma , how you always brag that he 's the only one who remembers Mother 's Day . My mother 's such a patsy for a phone call and chocolates , even if he takes the twenty right out of her purse to buy it . ' ' ' ' Billie ! Where were you yesterday ? Did you go out ? We were waiting for you to play cards . ' ' I 'd become a favorite , and taught them how to play scat . ' ' And Friday we 're going with Toyer to Caledon , ' ' Sabah added . ' ' Billie wants to go to a spa . Toyer also needs a woman to help in the house . He wants to get one from the farm . ' ' ' ' What 're you going with Toyer for ? He 's no relative of yours . Now everyone wants a piece of your time . You 're only here for a month . ' ' ' ' Mr Solomon ! ' ' I have to say that I liked him . I liked the whole family , but he and his ex - wife were at the top of my list . ' ' That 's right , Billie . All that studying 's turned him into a prune . Even I have a better sense of humor than that does . So , what do you think of our beautiful country , Billie ? Tell Mr Lawrence and Mr Fish what you think . ' ' ' ' Well , Mr Solomon , I didn 't see anyone with beads and feathers running around in the streets . Where 're the Zulus ? " I tell you my face was red most days in his company . He was the most outspoken man I 'd ever met . I could see where Sabah got her attitude from . Her tenacity she got from her mother , but the spirit was all Solomon . ' ' My wife has some brown pills , ' ' Mr Fish said . ' ' I can pop over to the house later on and get some . Mr Solomon knows she always had that problem with open bowels . ' ' Mr Lawrence chimed in . ' ' Eat lots of pineapple , that 's the best thing . All that acid will bring anything down . Don 't they have pineapples in Canada ? ' ' ' ' Aagh , their pineapples are not like ours . Listen to me - - what 's your name ? Billie ? Listen to me , Billie . Forget all these remedies . Just eat pineapple tonight . No meat and rice . And pineapple again in the morning . I guarantee you 'll go . ' ' ' ' Don 't worry , Billie , I have a good remedy for open bowels . I 've got something in the kitchen that 's bound to work . I made it four days ago . ' ' ' ' I told you , ' ' Sabah said to me . ' ' My family 's not well . My father can go on like this forever . He loves it . ' ' ' ' Come , Billie , let 's go inside . What kind of a name is Billie , anyway ? The name Billie in this country always comes with a pair of horns . ' ' I noted the difference in the two households . At the Dollie house , everything was spotless and in its place , with fresh flowers and lovely aromas . The radio was on low , the music switched off at sunset for half an hour to respect the maghrib prayers . You ate on time and you prayed on time . The Solomon place , on the other hand , was like a beach house for teenagers . There were sand prints from Dobermans , dirty ashtrays , dog bowls , piles of old newspapers and packs of cards right next to the condensed milk and sugar on the kitchen counter . The music was never switched off , and the fridge , when I opened it to get a can of condensed milk for Mr Solomon 's tea , made me take a step back . Nothing was sealed , and a big pot was jammed in on the same shelf with an opened can of peas , an overripe tomato , four biscuits on a saucer , and a half - eaten egg sandwich on a plate . ' ' Aagh , what , ' ' Mr Solomon said , ' ' Boeta Braim would want us to enjoy ourselves . Riaz , get the cards . Toeghfa , put on the kettle for tea , my girl . Let 's have a few hands for Boeta Braim . ' ' That 's how it was . I liked being in his house . There were no rules , no formal times for eating , and until you got hungry , no one knew whether someone was going to throw a few onions and potatoes and meat in a pot , or whether you were going to get a steak salad sandwich from Wembley . The spontaneity was in complete keeping with his character - which was also the same for Sabah . Mr Solomon and I went into the oak trim kitchen . Everything in there he 'd built with his own hands , he said , and showed me the missing thumb to prove it . He led me to two huge paraffin tins on the floor . He lifted the lid and the pungent ginger aroma hit my nose . I couldn 't wait . Anyone 's national anthem . Even God Save the Queen . But nothing happened , and we spent the next morning playing cards in our pyjamas and gowns with friends who had come to find out which horses Mr Solomons was favoring for the jackpot , Mr Solomon all the while continuing to pour ginger beer into my glass . At lunch time there was the horn of a car hooting impatiently outside - Mrs Dollie in her polished Citroën , waiting to take us to Wynberg . Mr Solomon raised his right brow in that way he had when he was about to get cocky . ' ' Your mother 's getting mighty bold driving that car up my street every day , ' ' he said to no one in particular . ' ' I wouldn 't be surprised if that woman still has a thing for me . Ever since I saw her in Salt River a few weeks ago , she 's getting brave . I tell you , Billie , she couldn 't get out of that car fast enough , preening like a peacock , almost falling over her feet . ' ' We said goodbye to everyone and jumped into the car , pyjamas and all , and then had to listen to Mrs Dollie 's version of how she had bumped into the old goat in Salt River , and him purposely parking his van behind her to have a better look . The man had to get over his ridiculousness . He was almost sixty . ' ' It 's a heat wave out there , ' ' Mrs Dollie shouted from the kitchen window . ' ' I 'm not coming out . You girls can come in if you want something to drink . ' ' ' ' Skinny dipping ? What nonsense is this ? Is that what you learned in Canada ? To swim without clothes on ? If my mother was alive now , she 'd die all over again . ' ' ' ' What ? ' ' She walked around the pool to the grass on the other side . ' ' You stand like this , and you lean your leg slightly inwards , then you let the pee run down your thigh . ' ' She closed her eyes to the sun , smiling like the devil as the pee trailed down her leg into the grass . ' ' God , this feels good ! It 's such a nice warm feeling against your leg , and straight into the ground . Don 't you have to pee ? ' ' Then we saw Suleiman Adams come through the garage . Mrs Dollie must 've been performing her prayers and not heard him knock . I looked at Sabah . She had also just registered his presence and become aware of her nakedness . But she didn 't jump back into the pool . She looked at him , smiling innocently . ' ' You can 't pick a worse place than this , Billie . We 're right in the open . We 'll have to drive quite a distance when we cross the pass before we find any trees . ' ' ' ' Wait till your wife hears about this , ' ' Sabah said , taking a few heavy drags . She exhaled , giving a naughty smile . " We don 't have this quality in Canada . ' ' We were in a line of cars high up on the mountain . When I looked down at the steep fall , I got dizzy . We moved higher , around a dangerous curve . Toyer put on the indicator and came to an abrupt halt . I climbed hastily over Toeghfa who was taking too long to get out . Out on the narrow gravel shoulder , I ripped at my jeans . I didn 't dare look over the cliff and didn 't care about the cars coming up the hill or the wind blowing up my arse . I hit everything , including the tire of the car . I was in a strange country with my arse over a cliff , shitting all over my jeans . Who would believe such a story ? And who would 've just packed up and crossed continents anyway with a co - worker they hardly knew ? She tore off more paper and handed it to me . ' ' Billie , it 's just us here . Take off your jeans . You 'll have to sit in this blanket . ' ' I stepped out of my pants , and with my foot scraped both my jeans and my mess over the cliff . Then kicked over my shoes . My bum burned . I felt crampy and soiled . Toeghfa handed her a bottle , which she gave to me . I washed my hands and my feet . Wrapped like a mummy from the waist down , I got back into the car . When Mr Solomon heard what had happened , he gloated all over again about the potency of his home brew . For days there were enquiries about my bowels , and advice on follow - up maintenance . Mr Lawrence brought a box of pineapples and a few packets of dried fruit , just in case , and even Suleiman brought prunes . There was only one incident during my visit to Cape Town to really remind me where I was . Sabah and I had to go to pick up something for her mother at a shop in Athlone and returned to find the car standing on four bricks . We couldn 't believe it . The tires had been stolen in broad daylight right in front of the Athlone Police Station . The constable on duty had a friendly smile , and pointed us to the other side of the wooden partition . " I don 't live in this country . My mother lives in Athlone . Now , can I tell you what I 'm here for ? Our car was parked outside , and - ' ' ' ' Can you believe this , Billie ? They can 't make up their minds what the fuck I am . First I 'm not white enough , and now I 'm not black enough ! ' ' I didn 't know what she was talking about . She refused to do what the cop asked , and we went back outside . In the end we went looking for a public telephone to call Fa ' iq to come and sort it all out . A few days before our departure I noticed that Mrs Dollie was no longer clamoring for Sabah 's attention . In fact , she seemed to be attempting to create some distance . Coming into the kitchen early one morning , I caught her deep in thought at the sink , looking through the window at the trees in the yard . Sabah had warned me . Her mother went into mourning while she was still there . ' ' Oh , nothing , ' ' she said , not her usual perky self . ' ' I think I 'll stay home and make some pastries for next week . Are you missing Canada ? ' ' ' ' What 's a mother , hey ? All children are the same . My own mother died six months after Sabah left in 1968 . I still miss her today . Can you believe that ? A grown woman like me ? Sometimes , when I think of Sabah so far away , I cry for my mother , and I cry for Sabah . My mother always used to say that you can have ten sons , it doesn 't equal one girl . My sons are good sons , Billie , don 't get me wrong . But sons are not like daughters . They take wives and move on with their lives . A daughter is yours , no matter who she 's with . Do you have any brothers ? ' ' " That 's nice . Me and Sabah are close too . We did a lot of things together before she left for Canada . Did she tell you why she went ? " ' ' I 'm not coming to the airport on Friday , ' ' he mumbled one night when we came to see him . There were no cards , no visitors . The evening paper lay folded on the chair in the front room . Then his expression changed , and he seemed almost cross . ' ' I don 't know when you 're coming home , Sabah . You 've been there eight years now . ' ' ' ' I know . But my children 's father lives in Canada . He won 't come here , and I can 't take them away from him . ' ' On the day of our departure , Sabah asked Riaz to take her first to her father 's house before heading for the airport . She 'd tried all day to get him on the telephone . When we got to the Solomon house , there was no one there - which in itself was very unusual as Mr Solomon never liked to leave the house , even to go shopping . Mr Lawrence , or one of his sons had to pick up things for him . Our bags were checked in , and we started to edge towards the metal gate . All around us , sad faces looked on , people pushing chocolates and gifts into our hands . I noticed a hardness in Sabah . There was no emotion . Her mother was crying into a wad of tissues , supported by Toeghfa and Saliya on the bench . We stepped through the metal gate . On the plane we said a few words to each other , and she went to sleep . She was that other Sabah again . Somewhere over Africa , I started to feel weepy . When I look back on that trip , I can 't say what happened . If it was the sea air , the magic of Africa , or the level of intimacy I experienced with Sabah 's family . I just know that I sat on that plane , and felt very exhausted and alone . It is unfortunate that when people refer to polygamy the common reaction is that Muslim men can have many wives . It is untrue on many levels . Yes , a Muslim man can have more than one wife but under very specific conditions . First , however , understand that Muslims did not invent polygamy . Polygamy existed long before the advent of Islam among several civilizations ; all Islam did was bring more order to the system and make it more organized and palatable to women . God does not like the idea of divorce . When the women lost their husbands during the Battle of Uhud , women were desperate . Who would feed them ? How would they survive ? God said that if a woman with children had lost her husband during a war , she could be married too to another man whose wife agreed to the arrangement . Polygamy was allowed mainly to protect women . Proof of polygamy practiced long before Islam Let 's take a look at some verses in the Bible where it states clearly in 2 Samuel 5 : 13 that after David left Hebron , that he ' took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem and more sons and daughters were born to him ' - and in 1 Kings 11 . 3 that ' Solomon had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines . ' These are just two references ; the Bible and the Qur ' an have many such references . This is just to establish that by the time of Jesus and Mohamed that polygamy was already well established . Muslims did not invent polygamy ; they brought order to the system and in the process also made it more palatable for women . Women were afforded rights . They could keep their own name after marriage . They did not have to share their property or give their property to their husbands . They were assured a portion of the inheritance of the estate when the husband died . These changes gave dignity to women in Islam . • Where a couple has tried for years to conceive , without success , and the wife allows him to have another wife so they can have children . The second wife in most cases will have her own flat or apartment and the husband will spend his time equally between them . • Where a wife is ill and bedridden and the husband needs a wife to care for him ; this would of course be with his first wife 's consent . Note , these can be sticky situations , but everything works with the other partner 's consent . Richard Cook eased his silver Mercedes into the driveway , the wrought iron gates closing silently behind him . Seeing a tall African man pacing on the stoep balling and unballing his fists gave him a start . His wife , Jennifer , directed his attention to the woman and child sitting under the jacarandah tree eating sandwiches out of a brown paper bag . " What a nerve . How did they get in ? " he asked . Richard switched off the car and got out . The man came down from the stoep , the woman gathering up her things on the lawn , coming towards them holding the hand of the little girl . " Good afternoon , boss , " the man started . " I am Jonas Mbulu and this is - come here , Lucky - my wife , Lucky , and my daughter , Shona . " " You 're trespassing on my property , " Richard Cook said . " How did you get in ? " Jonas had his cap in his hand , crunching it in a knot . " We climbed over the gate . I know it 's wrong , but we couldn 't take the chance that someone else would come to you first . " " You sacked your gardener , boss . I wanted to apply for the job . I 'm good with my hands . I 've looked after gardens and horses and can fix many things . " Jonas nodded his head that he understood . " He did wrong , boss . His cousin did die , but he did wrong . He could 've asked . " " That 's not all . He let one of his friends stay in the house while he went out . The friend took off with the VCR . We need a gardener , but this time we want references . " Jonas reached into his pocket . It was the moment he 'd been waiting for , to be asked for references . " I have a paper that says where I worked , boss . The telephone number 's on it . Lucky has a reference , also . She worked for a madam in Sea Point , but the madam has gone to live in another country . We can both work for you if you 'll give us a job . We 're honest people , we 've been looking for work for a long time . We waited three hours in your garden , boss , give us a chance . " Richard studied the man with the cap in his hand . Jonas had on clean clothes . He was fit , in his thirties , his wife a slim , young woman standing neatly at his side . It was the little girl , in a hand - me - down navy pleated skirt and white blouse several sizes too big for her , and shoes with laces made out of string that decided him . " Let 's see the letter . " Jonas handed it over . Richard read it . He didn 't show his surprise . Jonas had worked as a chauffeur and gardener for an American businessman when the company , succumbing to political pressure in l993 , closed its doors in South Africa and Jonas was let go . One afternoon , Richard came home from work and found Jonas uprooting an old tree . " I want to talk to you for a minute , Jonas . Can you come inside ? " " I 've been thinking , Jonas , my stripper 's gone back to the Transkei . I can use someone like you at the shop , stripping and refinishing antiques . What do you say ? Are you interested ? " Jonas ' eyes opened slightly at the offer . His face was still wet , and drops of water sat in sparkling crystals in his wiry hair above his forehead and ears . " A job at the shop , boss ? " " Yes . I can get someone else to do the gardening here , unless you want to do that too . The job at the shop is hard work , but pays double what you get now . " " That 's not a problem , boss . I 'll be here by six . I would very much like that job . Oh yes , very much . " " I 'll do that too , boss . We need the money . I could work in the garden a little every night after work and whole day Sunday if I have to . " " Sunday 's your day off , " Jennifer chimed in . " That 's all right , madam . Lucky and me , we are saving for something . What do I do anyway on a Sunday except sit with my neighbor , Bantu , and his wife and watch television until the battery runs out ? " Richard took out a cigarette and lit it . " We 've decided to give you the room in the yard . There 's a toilet and shower , and I 'll build on a small kitchen . It 's not big , but you wouldn 't have to go back to the squatter camp . You can live here as long as you want . " " Here , sir ? " Lucky asked incredulously . She turned to Jennifer . " On madam 's premises ? " Lucky looked from Jennifer to her husband . " No one has been this good to us . And the room 's not small , madam , it 's big . For us it 's more than we have . And water right in the kitchen . It 's too much . " " Lucky 's right , boss , " Jonas said . " This is too much good news . A job at the shop , and now you are offering us a place to stay . We don 't know how to say thank you . We don 't know how , boss , but we can 't take it . " The Cooks looked at each other . " You can 't ? Why not ? " Richard asked . Jonas stood upright . " We 've always lived in the Imizamo Yethu village , boss . We don 't know any other place . We gotta number there . We feel strong about that number , it 's the only thing we have . And the government 's offering 80 square meter sites with a toilet , water , and electricity . We 're saving for one of those . We want to own our own home . We 've never owned a home , boss . " " That 's wonderful , Jonas , " Jennifer said . " We didn 't know you had these plans . How much will a house like that cost ? " " Five thousand rand , madam . That 's why we are happy for this job . We 'll be able to put our names down and have a house by next year . A lot of people are waiting for the free houses the ANC promised . Lucky and me , we don 't want anything for free . We want to build our first home in the new South Africa . We want to say Jonas and Lucky did it , and pay for it with our own money . " Richard inhaled slowly on his cigarette . Jennifer sipped on her tea . That evening after supper when the Mbulus had gone home , Jennifer returned to the subject . " We should help them , Rick . We could help them with the down payment . You can deduct it from Jonas ' pay . " " You know he will . Everything he does , he does neatly and with care . Admit it , you couldn 't get the rust off that old Mazda . He sanded it down , sealed it , and touched it up . You can get it roadworthied now if you want . We couldn 't ask for more honest people . I still can 't believe they turned down a room with toilet facilities . " " How much of a down payment ? " " One or two thousand rand . We can stand surety for the balance . It 'll make it easier for them to get a loan . We can also give them Sandra 's old bed , it 's just taking up space . And the sofa , and some of the chairs . " Richard waited a month before he spoke to the Mbulus again . He sat them down , and outlined the plan . " I 've already inquired from the RSC the figures involved . I 'll take you and Lucky with me to the bank . I 'll guarantee the loan . If it 's all right with you , I 'll deduct two hundred rand a month until you 've paid me back . If you 're going to borrow three thousand from the bank , I suggest you pay them the same . More , if you can afford it . That way you won 't be on their books for too long . " The Mbulus were stunned by the offer of assistance . Jonas vowed to repay every cent borrowed . Lucky said the Cooks could take half her salary towards the loan . Richard made an appointment with the manager at his branch , and it was agreed that Jonas would pay four hundred rand a month to the bank . For this they would receive a small house with a verandah , a front door , and two windows . There was no insulation or separate rooms , but the Mbulus could add to it over time . The months passed . The Mbulus worked hard , and saved . Finally , the big day arrived , and Jennifer drove them in the company van to their new home the second week in May . It was the first of the government homes . Every neighbur turned out to see the neat little wooden structure with its verandah and potted plant . " I 'm not lucky , Muriel , " Lucky said , aware of the people standing around . " You can also have one . " Muriel lived with her sons in a shack that threatened to lift off over their heads every time the wind blew , and was the most disgruntled person in the neighborhood . " We are not so rich , " another neighbor chimed in , " that we have five thousand rand . Five thousand rand , isn 't it , for one of these ? We didn 't know you had so much money . Does the madam have a job for us , too ? " " What about your old couch , Lucky ? The one with the three plastic legs ? " Bertie " haircut " called somewhere from the back of the crowd . " Will you have use for it now that you have such a grand one ? " " You can have it if you want , Bertie , " Jonas said from the top of the truck . " The house is too small for two couches . " Muriel wasn 't pleased to hear this . " Lucky , you are letting Jonas give that couch to someone else ? I asked you long ago for it . Now you are just giving it to Bertie who already has that fake velvet sofa that scratches your legs . Has she even given your Shona one free haircut ? Look how many times I looked after Shona for you when you went to work . " Lucky didn 't know what to do . " You never asked for the couch , Muriel . This is the first time I am hearing you want that old thing . " " Now it 's an old thing ? Before , you entertained your best friends on it . Perhaps we were not your best friends . Or perhaps you have better things now . Do you have anything else you want to throw out ? " Muriel turned to Jennifer . " She is lucky , this Lucky . And she 's not called Lucky for nothing . She 's lucky to get a man like Jonas . Before , Jonas had a job with a foreigner , and Lucky worked for a good madam in Sea Point . Me and Bertie and some of the others , we 're not so lucky . Our husbands left us with children and went off after other women . We have to find things to do where we can look after our children and work . " Jennifer listened to her complaint , and said she was sorry to hear it . " You mustn 't feel guilty , Lucky , " she said when the three - legged couch and chairs had been given away and the neighbors had moved off . " You and Jonas have worked hard . You 've made your own luck . You deserve this . " " Yes , madam , " Lucky said uncertainly , a lot of her earlier enthusiasm gone . " But if we didn 't come to work for madam , we wouldn 't have this house . Perhaps we were lucky . " On a wet afternoon in July eight weeks later , Richard and Jennifer pulled into the driveway and saw the Mbulus waiting for them on the stoep . It was much like that first day when the Mbulus had come looking for work . Only now there was a heavy curtain of rain sweeping across the lawn , drenching them where they huddled close to the door . They got out and walked up to the Mbulus . " What 's wrong , Jonas ? You look in a state , man , " Richard said . He noticed the blankets , black with soot marks , and smelling strongly of smoke . Lucky started to sob . Jonas put his arm around her . Richard turned to the little girl , dressed in a nightie with no shoes on her feet , and a thin blanket over her shoulders . She wasn 't a talker on the best of days , but looked up at him with big eyes , and said , " They burn our house … the other people … " Have you become so comfortable in your marriage that you do not take the same care now with your appearance that you did when you first met ? Is your husband still careful with his grooming and diet and exercise regime and always looking good ? This is telling evidence that you are falling off the scoreboard and allowing the marriage to go stale . A marriage that is dull and without luster will not last long if the couple puts no work into it . Here are some telling signs that you are taking your man and your marriage for granted . Bad breath a deal breaker Surprisingly , these are the small things which eventually build up which you cannot pinpoint when someone asks you what went wrong . There are insidious and nagging thoughts in your head that you are not doing enough , but still you do nothing about it . Did you think when you got married that you could just lie back and not develop marital friendship and intimacy ? Or that you would find a woman or a man and fall instantly IN love and live on a high forever ? The bottom line with every kind of relationship is that partners grow bored with one another just like you cannot eat the same food every day . Well , you cannot change partners , but you can spice things up . A big sign that you are neglecting your man is that you no longer do the small things which you enjoyed when you first started dating . Are you still playing Scrabble at the club where you played once a week , got the opportunity to play with your partner in a competition , or got involved in things which used to interest both of you ? Are you still meeting your friends for scones and tea on Saturday afternoons ? Are you still seeing your friends ? Are things still hot in the bedroom ? Think of the best kind of relationship you would want ; a companion that cares for you , and is there for you , one you can tell anything to and never betrays you , one who has your best interest at heart . And happily , very happily , one you still want to be close to and intimate with . The first thing to forget is having a friend who knows a bit about snapping pictures shooting the event . You have spent months planning the bridal finery , the catering , the kind of wedding - a Zulu wedding if it is a destination wedding where the couple is dressed in leather strips and feathers , or perhaps a Bedouin 's nuptials in a tent - and you cannot afford to make a mistake with the kind of photographer you need . A wedding such as the one you have in mind may need a year 's planning and an expert wedding photographer . The quality of the photographer 's work will be what lends beauty and quality to the shots . • Ask to see photographs and videos of other weddings he has photographed . Check for framing and composition and whether shots have been properly lit . You don 't want to end up suing him for poor quality photographs . • Visit his studio and check through samples of his work . Your wedding day is special and you don 't want to forget things or make mistakes . • Ask him for ideas . If he has filmed or photographed a lot of weddings he will be well experienced and may come up with some classic shots . http : / / www . raydajacobs . blogspot . com
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The first Gillum house at Wing , after they arrived in 1898 , was built atop the first ridge as the Ouachita Mountains arise from the north side of the Fourche La Fave River Valley . Two miles of flat , fertile bottom land stretches out below , cut by the meanderings of Stowe creek , the primary watering source of the livestock . It is surrounded by hundreds , or thousands , of acres of hardwood forests and fertile fields . Many more fields appeared as more and more crops were planted , but much reverted back to timberland , again , as the overworked soil played out and row crops diminished and virtually disappeared . The river , two miles away , flows lazily along the base of the south mountains , Fourche mountain arising steeply from the river bank . The south mountains curve into a dip , not unlike the cleavage of a modest , beautiful woman , to allow Barnhart creek to rush from the south mountains to meet the river . This is the sight I awoke to every morning , for the first seventeen years of my life , out my bedroom window . One might think it would become routine . But it never did . My Dad arrived at that hill , a young boy of five . He was destined to live out his life , on and around that hill . From the look in his eyes as he gazed out over that valley , I don 't think it ever became routine to him , either . Dad moved four more times in his life , but he was always within short hollering distance of that hill . Dad was once engaged , but his future wife died . Dad had built a house in the meadow for her . Grandma , Hallie , and all loved her . When Dad and Mom , Cornelia Irene Lazenby , later married , they did not live in the house in the meadow at first , but on the hill with Grandma and Hallie , Dad 's unmarried sister , a Peabody College trained teacher . There was no electricity in the meadow house . Even though Mom was very hard working , kind , gentle , and loving , Grandma , and even Hallie , on occasion , were harsh in judging her . Her life was miserable . Sarah Turner said , " The first woman , who died , is put up on a pedestal . No wrong can she ever do . " I think that was at work here . After three children - Harry , Harold , and Jonnie , Mom wanted out of that house . They moved to the house in the meadow , with no electricity . Jan was born there . Then they moved to a third house , the " other house . " ( The Marion Turner house . ) It was bought by Dad along with twenty seven acres after it was repossessed . It was larger than the meadow house , and the family was growing . Barbara was born there . After Hallie and Grandma died in 1941 , the move back up on the hill closed out the moving triangle , all within " hollering " distance of each other . Now that you have somewhat of an idea what Mom faced , moving in with all those dominant Gillums , I have a very fitting little story that I love . After Dad and Mom married , a picture of Dad 's dead sweetheart continued to hang on the wall . After a time , a picture of Searce Pickens , Mom 's old sweetheart , showed up on the wall also . Stirring up the situation somewhat was the fact that Searce Pickens was now working for Dad . After a time , both pictures came down . Mom had beaten the Gillums at their own game . A very rare occurrence . I can find no other source that gives anything other than the highest praise to Hallie . She was obviously a wonderful influence in the lives of all her students , and was dearly loved by all others who speak of her . But my brother Harry related to me why life became so unbearable for my mother in that house . He was there , in that house , and he was old enough to see . And hear . JR Turner was sweet on Ruby , Mom 's younger sister . The romance dragged on . Grandpa Lazenby was not big on long romances without a wedding ring . His oldest daughter had gotten into trouble like that . He asked , " When are you getting married ? " JR would reply , " I need to save just a little more money . " This went on and on . He probably did need more money , this was at least close to the time of The Great Depression . But JR also had a wanderlust . He could not settle down to one place easily , and I suspect responsibility for a wife at that time sat heavily on his shoulders . The California sisters sent money , and Ruby was headed for California . She entered into a romance with Homer Greear . Marriage was looming . But before that happened , she went back to Wing for a visit . The old romance started to heat up . Grandpa Lazenby met JR At the front door one night , to again discuss his intentions . JR still was not quite ready to settle down . Grandpa called Homer Greear and warned him . Homer jumped in his car , drove straight through to Wing , scooped up Ruby , fled to California , and married her . JR continued his wandering ways . He would be here , then gone . Be here , then gone . For many years . I always loved talking to him . He would show me gold and other treasures , found in Mexico " a thousand miles off the blacktop . " Such stories fueled that wanderlust desire in me . But when my time came , and I had to make my decision after college to " scoop Barbara Sue up and marry her , " or see the world , I saw at least three other guys looming on the horizon who wanted to marry her , also . I wanted her more . We raised a great family , Corey and Kinley . They produced wonderful grandchildren for us , Caylie , Christian , Jordan , Jackson , Carson , and Jett , who was , sadly , stillborn . We retired . I was pleased to discover Barbara loved to roam the world every bit as much as I do . So , after our early retirement , we found ourselves spreading wing and seeing the world . Barbara has seen all fifty states , and we have seen every continent except Asia and Antarctica . By the way , you don 't happen to know anybody who would like to lease our house for a year , do you ? It 's on the market . We have done this before , and if it happens again , we 'll be outta here ! For many years , when JR saw a member of my family , he always asks about Ruby . At one hundred , he still did . He looks great . He gets around well . But his short term memory recycles very fast . When we have to tell him , again , that Ruby has been dead many decades , he begins the mourning process all over again . But it does not last long . The last time I talked to JR , His memories were essentially gone . He made no mention of Ruby . He had , at last , been released from his lifelong agony of loving , and losing , Ruby . JR passed away in 2012 at the age of one hundred two . When I went to town as a small boy , I always did all I could do to avoid people . I would normally cross the street to avoid meeting someone on the sidewalk . Once , however , I saw a crowd , very large , gathered around a store window . I just had to see what they were looking at . When I finally worked my way up to the front of the group , I saw a box with fuzzy , squiggly lines moving around on it . Every now and then I could see a figure of a person on it ! Some of the other people called it a television . My world was changing , and fast . At about ten years old , I was all into Indians . I decided to make myself an Indian costume . I had a belt around me , with a flap hanging down in front and back . That 's all . Not another stitch . I threw in a feather in my hair for effect . I had a tomahawk . Once , the girls were all on the porch , so I decided to show off my costume . I ran the length of the porch , jumped off real high , and gave a war whoop . It changed into a scream when I realized my costume had a flaw . Both flaps flew up . It seemed like I was in the air forever , then when I hit the ground , I could not get gone quickly enough . The girls were rolling with laughter , and I still have to endure that story at every family reunion . When I was five or so , I picked up a big piece of metal at the shop , and a big blacksnake ran out from under it toward me . I screamed loudly , and I saw Dad running across the pasture to me . I was so amazed to see Dad running , I forgot about the snake . I had never seen Dad run before . And never did again . Snippy was a short haired , black , chunky feist . He was a dandy squirrel dog without a hunter . Harold , my older brother , his hunting partner , had gone off to college . Snippy spent his days , lying in the warm sun , dreaming of days gone by . On cold winter nights , he would jump up through the open crib door into the barn , work his way into the hayloft , and burrow in for the night . One very cold winter morning , with the temperature hovering near the single digits , I approached the barn . Then I saw him . Snippy lay , curled up in the snow , frozen solid . Above him was a closed , and latched , crib door . I awoke with a start . The moon was up , and an ominous wind blew through the tree branches . An owl hooted in the distance . Although it seemed I had been asleep a long time , the moon told me it was not yet midnight . My major concern , however , was Tooter . I had never run onto anything in the woods that frightened Tooter . But here he was , whining , crying softly , pressing against me , staring into the darkness . A faint rustling in the leaves came from the direction of his attention . I picked up the . 22 , releasing the safety . The rustling , about a hundred yards out , slowly circled us . With Tooter following every move with his nose , whining , we strained to see through the darkness . The circling continued , at intervals , throughout the long night . Tooter and I pressed closer and closer together . . . . Early one warm summer night we headed for the corn patch . No sooner had we reached it than Tooter was on a hot trail . Mike and I ran down a corn middle . We could hear Tooter running toward us , knocking down corn stalks as he ran . A silent , furry shadow flashed in front of me , barely visible in the dim moonlight . Close behind came Tooter . Reason and common sense left me , and I joined the chase , momentarily not noticing that I was doing as much damage to the corn as the coons were , tearing and scattering stalks as I ran . Suddenly , the game changed . The big coon turned to fight . Tooter , having better control of his senses than anyone else at the moment , jumped aside . I don 't think I really made a decision to do what I did next , for I like to think my decision making process is a little better than this display . And I knew about coons . A coon like this can be a bundle of screaming and biting fury . They often whip a dog , and can kill them if they get on them in the water . I dived at the coon . I like to think I reconsidered in mid air , but I don 't really think I did . I sat on the coon , on my knees . I held the ringed tail tightly in both hands , while the masked face peered out from behind me . The coon was strangely quiet , giving me a moment to consider my situation . I asked myself , " How do I get off ? " Years later , a month or so after Dad 's death , I drove to the farm . When the farm came into sight , I guess I was surprised to see that it looked just the way it always had . I realized I had really begun to buy into the idea that the farm would totally go to hell if Dad was not there to watch over it . The land was exactly the same , the house had not changed , the cows were all grazing contentedly - nothing , nothing at all , had changed . Dad was gone , but everything there was the same as it had always been . I just sat there and looked for a long time . And I cried . Toward the end of my student teaching , I drove down to the Delta Dip , the local hamburger hotspot one night . And my life changed forever . Little did I know , as I drove to the Delta dip that night , that the love of my life awaited me there . And I had forgotten to bring my great white stallion . I had this problem . In high school , I never dated much . Not totally my idea , but it just never really happened . I was totally insecure and silent around any girl I liked . So , I headed out to college , determined to start a new dating life with a clean slate . Well , I did get to where I could carry on a sensible conversation with a girl , and dated quite a bit , as long as I didn 't really like her . If I did , I just froze up . If I REALLY wanted to date a girl , and after finally getting up the nerve , I would call her up and say something really good like , " Hey , you wouldn 't want to go out with me , would you ? " and then , if she hesitated , even for a moment , I would throw in the clincher . " That 's OK . I don 't blame you . I wouldn 't either if I were you . Bye . " I was nearly out of transportation , having problems with my old Chevy . The fuel pump shut down on me on University Avenue in Little Rock one day , and a cop showed up and helped me get it towed back to a station . Fortunately , my brother Harold , who I had bought the car from for several cows , had saved an old fuel pump in the trunk . Said it would work in a tight . Well , I was in a tight . I had it put on , and Harold was right . It did work in a tight . Long enough for me to get back to the spot where the first one quit , and it quit too . Frank Broyles , the Arkansas Razorbacks head football coach , flung a major insult at me that year , though we had never met . After a particularly bad razorback practice , he was so mad he told the press , " We looked like St . Paul out there today . " Well , I was the only coach St . Paul had , and as I looked around to see if maybe he was insulting someone else , I didn 't see anyone but me . Such is the family I married into , in 1966 . Though I was never a Dunnahoe , they all soon made me feel like one . At family reunions , I immediately had the uncanny ability to sit down in the very middle of that large gathering , and fall asleep instantly . This had the effect of Barbara constantly being asked , " Don 't you feel just a little nervous , when he 's driving ? " When questioned about that ability , my reply was always the same . " I just feel so comfortable , so at ease around the Dunnahoes , that it just happens . " And the strangest thing of all is , It is the total truth . We were shooting a wedding in Little Rock . Our Hasselblad went down on us while finishing up the pre - wedding shots . That sort of trouble just never happened with that type camera , the most reliable of its day . That was the model taken to the moon , the one they knew they could count on . We had gotten a little too sure of it , and didn 't take a really good backup . We never made that mistake again on any job we couldn 't re - shoot . I ran to our bag for the backup camera , a 35MM I used for wildlife photos , covered with camo tape . I ripped the tape off , then discovered a small device needed to hook up the flash was missing . I told Barb , again with panic in my voice , " Get in place for the coming down the aisle shot . I 'll go buy a part . " I drove madly to Camera Mart . Fortunately , It was open on Saturday morning . Fortunately again , they had it . When I got back to the wedding , the bride was about to start down the aisle . I walked briskly past her to Barbara , who was standing in position , smiling confidently with an unusable camera . I slipped her the part , she hooked it up , and got a great shot . Again , nobody ever knew . I pushed with reckless abandon against that gate with every pound of my considerable weight , and every ounce of my inconsequential muscle , sweat running off me and fear running through me . My mind was a blur . This could just not be happening to me ! This sort of thing does not happen any more , not since the 1800 's ! But then , I had not been in this remote corner of the world before . No telling how many angry Quechua Indians outside pushed back , screaming at me , trying to force their way in - - - I arrived home with different feelings . Something unexplainable . We were headed out for a short vacation with Barbara 's sister 's family , upon my arrival home . As we toured around , I began to put my finger on it . I was feeling like I was a true chick magnet ! I felt like every pretty woman we were around had eyes only for me . I even felt sorry for the young , muscular , handsome men they were with , because I knew their women was thinking only of me . This was a total and complete , one hundred eighty degree change in my thinking . Barbara was so lucky to have me , and I was sure all the other women around were green with envy . How could I ever go back to Arkadelphia , and work on my rental properties in shorts , as I did before ? I knew the young women would just never leave me alone , and let me work Anyway , I wound up riding in " wild child 's " car . I went to sleep in the back seat , and woke up to the sound of our windshield breaking , " wild child " screaming , and screeching tires . When I opened my eyes , we were lodged under a sixteen wheeler , crossways , right in front of the back tires , and being dragged down the road at seventy MPH . The dressing room , in the middle of the building , looked like the best place . Just as I started in , the wind really picked up . " Aw , man , my awning is blowing away . " Then a house trailer , or what was left of it , mostly the frame , came through the front picture window . The back windows of the building were sucked in , the suspended ceiling around me was sucked down to the floor , and the two swinging doors behind me slammed with a loud bang . I went in the dressing room , lay the camera on the floor , and covered it with my body . My thought processes ran something like , " We 've got to have something left to make a living with when this is all over . " I heard the most awful groaning sound I have ever heard , as my front brick wall , three bricks thick , moved forward a few inches at the top . The lights were on , cameras ready to roll , and Fredrica Whitfield was sitting there in our living room , smiling , her notebook in hand . Now , me , I 'm not always a good spontaneous speaker . Never , I would guess , with a national audience . I could not think of a single intelligent thing to say , the best being a few " uhs " and maybe " duh . " I just knew I was about to become a major fool , on national TV . We checked in at the Villa Backpacker 's Motel , billed as the nicest one in New Zealand . Hundreds of young people . Once again , no other old people . Many of the European women walked around with almost nothing on . So , I had to apply what one of my pastor 's had told me years ago . " If you look at immodest women , you risk going blind . So , if you must look , cover one eye . Only risk one . " We were in Ireland . We went to the poor house the next day . Now , don 't be alarmed . Not to live , but for a visit . Dad had strongly instilled in all us Gillums a fear of the " pore ' house , " but I had never seen one . It looked like a prison , was established in the mid 1800 's when people were starving in droves from the Great Potato Famine . It was designed to be so bad , that only starving people would go there . Hard work , no family contact , a bowl of thin soup daily . A lady at a B & B we stayed at told us about her father . He broke his leg , badly , but he refused to go to a doctor , fearing the poor house would be his next stop . He lived out his life with his leg broken instead . As we walked through the red light district , prostitutes displayed themselves like merchandise in little windows . Barbara mentioned , " Did you see how pretty that last one was ? " Naturally , I had to walk back for a second look . She smiled , started opening the door to welcome me in , and I quickly fled back to Barbara . When he got to Iraq , he assumed his Arabic identity . Those same buddies arrested him one night , and he smiled and said , " It 's me , guys . " They wouldn 't believe him , and he had to show them his US Air Force pants , on under his robe , before they would let him go . The next morning , he walked us out to our car . He had a small lecture for Barbara . " You travel far too lightly about the world . People will entrap you . You should never have let me in your car yesterday . " " We had you outnumbered . " Barbara replied . He laughed . " I wasn 't worried . " He waved Barbara 's camera away . No pictures , no address , no e - mail address . " But I will e - mail you . " We 're still waiting . When we got to Pisa , we decided it didn 't look so big . Surely we could just drive around and locate a big , leaning tower . But no , we finally had to board a bus to get there . Barbara has a problem with straight and crooked , something we worked hard with tripods and cropping to keep secret while we were in the photography business . She snapped her first photo of the leaning tower , and in the photo it was standing straight up ! She quickly deleted it , knowing I would make a lot of mileage out of that jewel . We caught our train back toward our house and our car , smooth as silk . We 're world travelers now , and we know how to act the part . When it got to the border , it stopped . An announcement that we couldn 't understand was made , and people were starting to get off . There was no train change on the way in , so we sat tight . After a few minutes , we began to realize we were the only people left . That 's a bad sign , and just as that was sinking in , the train started back toward Monaco . When we got there , we ran back to the ticket agent , who spoke a little English . " You should have changed trains at the border . " " Any more trains out today ? " " One is leaving right now . You might catch it if you run . That 's the last one . " We ran . I quickly outdistanced Barbara . I was nearly there now . The train started to move . I was even with the engineer , and I waved frantically . The train slowed , and a door opened . Barbara was just now coming into sight , a long way back , huffing and puffing . I put one foot on the train , and kept one on the ground , and held my position . If they shut that door now , they would have to squeeze me in it . Once we got on , we found a British couple , who were going past our village , and stuck with them like glue . So much for being big world travelers . As we realized we must be nearing our village , Barbara asked , " Now , what is the name of our village ? " I didn 't have a clue . It was beginning to get dark now . We moved close to the door , and strained to see something familiar . As the train slowed for a village , Barbara screamed , " There 's our car ! " She bolted for the door , ahead of me , and started pushing it open as soon as the train stopped . But she was on the wrong side , and she was about to step out onto a live track ! Those trains run silently , are very fast , and are about a foot apart . Stepping out on the wrong side could mean instant , silent death . Several people tackled her , and pulled her back . We were sure glad to see our cute little red car . We almost hugged and kissed it . Children screamed and ran when they saw us . We were the only white faces on the street and in the church . Mothers apologized as their children screamed and ran , saying , " My children have never seen a white person before . " Barbara was determined to win over a particularly frightened little girl . The little girl screamed at the sight of Barbara , burying her face in her mother 's shoulder . Barbara approached her , smiling , and finally the little girl accepted that without crying . Finally , Barbara was allowed to touch her hand . After awhile , Barbara was allowed to walk two fingers up her arm , softly saying , " Here 's a little man , walking up your arm ! " Finally , a sweet little smile appeared on her face , and she stretched her arms out to Barbara . The surrounding crowd laughed . When we got inside the all concrete church , ( can 't be burned ) and they all started singing , " What a mighty God we serve , " We knew we would be all right . She told the soldiers at the entrance what we were doing , when we should be out . We walked in . There were no toilets in sight . Flying toilets were the thing . Use a plastic bag , throw it up on the roof . Or out on the walkway . At intervals there were towering mountains of garbage , roamed by dogs and rats . We saw people high from sniffing glue . It was one way to escape one 's surroundings , at least for a little while . A sweet little girl , in rags , ran out into our path , a sweet smile on her beautiful face . " Hello , " she called out to us . " How are you ? " Her smile broke our hearts . Barbara and I both just wanted to take her hand , and take her home with us , away from this place . Many large animals could be seen scattered throughout the plain . After we had gotten a good close up look at a lot of animals , and were miles from camp , a major storm blew up just before dark . Wesley got out rain gear for us all in that open jeep , but it did little good in this storm . The plain was flooded , and we got stuck , again and again , each time finally managing to get out . After dark , I kept my face covered to try to keep out some of the rain . I once looked out , just as a big lion jumped out from in front of the jeep , and stared at us hard . I covered my face back up . I really did not want to know what was waiting outside our jeep . When we got to the border , things were just as congested as before . Barbara picked the visa line she wanted , because it was manned by a guy who seemed relatively friendly , and occasionally smiled . When we got up to his desk , Barbara poured it on . Smiling , laughing , telling all about us being missionaries , and on and on . She passed the visa over to him . He was totally won over , and stamped our old visa , not valid now , and smiling , said , " You have a great day . " We thanked him , and got gone quickly . Barbara just has a gift for having her way with any man . But fortunately , she only uses it when I am at her side . At least , I think so - - - hmmmmm - - ? ( Just kidding , really . ) We came to Nairobi just after the President agreed to sign a power sharing agreement with the opposition . Thus the fighting tapered off . While we were preparing to leave , the opposition seemed to be beginning to think he didn 't really mean it . Thoughts of more fighting returned . Perhaps we chose a wise time to come , and perhaps we are choosing an even wiser time to go home . Africa has a way of getting into one 's heart , making one always want to return . Most likely , we will never see our wonderful kids again . Then again , maybe we will . Either way , they will be in our hearts forever . As we flew out , we knew we would never see Europe again . We don 't backtrack . There 's far too much of this world left to see . When we got home , we found we were right on budget , thanks to so many creative stays , and eating out of so many grocery stores and peanut butter jars . Not all my memorable experiences at Wargo were life threatening . Once Sport and I were asleep in our tent with only a very small hole in our almost - zipped - up doorway . The thing about small holes , though , is - it sorta negates being enclosed in a tent in the first place . In the middle of the night , Sport roused me from my dreams with an elbow to the ribs . " Pat , " he said , " We are not alone . " I switched on my light . The prettiest , most bushy tailed skunk I had ever seen was sitting on Sport 's sleeping bag ! We quietly enlarged that hole , and slid outside in our whitey - tighties , and waited , shivering . Fifteen minutes later , the skunk strolled out and off , never having left his calling card . If you slide a fourteen foot flat bottom boat into the gentle waves of the river at daybreak , maybe a family of beaver will be swimming around , slapping their tails . Maybe an otter will be floating on his back , his food on his chest . You may see a pair of wood ducks take flight through the mist rising off the river . Perhaps a big cottonmouth will swim by , floating like a long balloon on top of the water . You might , hopefully , hear a big bullfrog roar , like his namesake , in the distance . Possibly , a doe and a newborn fawn will come down for a drink . I returned home after that first trip , washed all my fine gravel out well , and lay them out in the greenhouse to dry . Son Corey happened to walk by that drying gravel that afternoon , and said , " What 's this piece of glass doing in here ? " He started to pitch it out in the yard . Before he could throw it out , I grabbed his hand . A beautiful , yellow , one carat diamond . I had reached my goal , the rest was just gravy . This town was once located at the confluence of the Arkansas and Mississippi Rivers in Arkansas . De Soto , Marquet and Joliet , and LaSalle visited this site during their travels . Marquet , we know , was there in 1673 . Prentiss , Mississippi was located right across the river . The ferry crossing between these two towns was the only one between Memphis and Vicksburg . In King Edward 's 1875 account , nearing the end of the town 's life , it was a rough and rowdy town . Murder daily was the rule , not the exception . Brawls always produced burials . The Mosquitoes were persistent . They still are . Buffalo gnats were said to be so bad , they kill horses and mules by bleeding them to death . Currently , they 're still very bad early in the Spring . I have seen deer , running from one low spot to another , wagging their tails fiercely , rolling in a low spot , then on to the next , all day long during these times in an effort to get away from buffalo gnats . But I did not witness any deaths by being bled dry . I suspect an exaggeration here . During the Civil war , there was a sharp curve north of Napoleon that went deep into Mississippi , called Beulah Bend , now lake Beulah . The peninsula created was so narrow , only a few hundred yards , that Confederate cannon could shoot at a ship coming into the bend , then move the cannon and shoot at it coming out of it . General Sherman then burned the town in Mississippi , then cut a canal across the narrow peninsula . The sand was soft digging , and it only took one day . This was referred to as the Napoleon Channel . This soon aided river travel , cutting off ten miles and destroying the ambush spot . Unfortunately , the new channel was now pointed directly at Napoleon , and both towns were flooded completely within a few years . The courthouse was already completely gone , burned by the Union for firewood , during a blizzard . When Napoleon was completely gone , the county seat was moved to Watson , only a few miles away , as the crow flies . But when dealing with mighty rivers , nothing can be measured " as the crow flies . " My father - in - law , Sport Dunnahoe , lived near Watson until his death a few years ago . He hunted in a " Conservation League , " on which Napoleon once stood . Good hunting spots are now rare in the Delta , and it cost hundreds of dollars yearly . Once , while hunting , he met the owner of that vast tract of land , who asked , " Do you know where Napoleon is ? " when he assured the man he did , he asked , " Will you take me to it ? " Sport did , though all they found at that time was the cemetery . Interestingly , no tombstone revealed a life span of more than twenty six years , at least none visible that day . I 'm not sure the cause , could have been the " murder a day " habit , Malaria , the fact that it was so infested with mosquitoes that nobody wished to dwell for long , or a combination of all three . Anyway , when the property owner returned Sport to his hunting spot , the grateful man thanked him . The owner 's companion observed , " A ' thank you ' won 't buy him nothin ' . Give the man something he can use . " The land owner then wrote Sport out a hunting permit , good for as long as he lived . Sport used that permit as long as he was able to hunt . Want to see part of Napoleon ? During very dry years , remains can be seen on sandbars in the river . The large church bell used in Napoleon now hangs in the Catholic church in McGehee , Arkansas . I hear the cemetery , present in Sport 's time , has now been swallowed by the river . I have a brand new metal detector that I had intended to explore that cemetery with . Oh , well . My two sets of great - great grandparents traveled from Georgia to Arkansas on a wagon train . The man who scouted for it , probably a distant kin , wrote a daily diary as they went . The Blackburns and Robinsons were my ancestors . I 'm including a few of these true daily posts that I thought you might like . Thanks for Reading , We had on our train a very entertaining couple . We came to a place where people were raising a log cabin , the very sickliest crowd I ever saw . Our man asked the crowd , " How long have you people been dead ? " Right there we were almost in a fight ; but our man apologized by begging pardon telling the cause of his mistake was they buried people where he came from long before they looked half as bad as that crowd did . Then we had to retreat , double time , and beg off . Four inches of snow on the ground this morning . We leave Thomasville , pass through very thinly settled hills and valleys , water very scarce . I must tell you that we had been living on Irish potatoes for several days and still doing so . These we had to dig out of the snow ; no bread stuff to be had . They would all tell us , " Our folks are all gone into Ar - can - saw , about fifty miles away , to mill with wheat . Looking back tonight , I found some flour for sale in Thomasville . But it being in the night , we had to chase the chickens out of their roost in the flour bin . I concluded to wait until morning , then stick to our potato digging which was not so bad with fat quail , squirrel and pigeon . Meeting nothing of note , we camp in Howells ' Valley after a day 's travel of twenty miles . I must state here that I was sort of a handy boy to look up something to eat , and tramped ahead with my gun . Frequently , I would be requested to look out for various things to eat , this time it was butter . I soon found a place I could get all I wanted if I could wait for the housewife to churn , which I agreed to do . I heard the lady chasing the pigs back of the house . I looked around there and saw her chasing the pigs out of a large wooden churn . Had it been a stone one I think I could have stomached it , but not a wooden one . I told her I was in a hurry , and if she got it ready maybe she could sell it to the train when it came by , and I would move on knowing well that my folks would not buy as they left that to me . In camp that night one of our ladies bawled out that if anyone wanted butter she would divide out her stock . She described the place to me and I knew at once she bought the butter where the pigs were chased out of the churn . But I would take none of it which they all thought strange , because I was fond of butter . I gave no reason that I would not take any of it , only that there would not be enough to go around if I did . After the butter had all disappeared , I let out my secret . If you have ever saw a mad crowd of women , that was the maddest . One of my aunts said she would never forgive me . We go into camp having traveled eighteen miles . Four of us , viz . John H . Blackburn , Alfred S . Robinson , John Coon and the writer started for White county , but changed our course and headed for the Arkansas River Valley . Our object to look out for a satisfactory location . We traveled on horseback , leaving the balance of our troops in camp near Huntsville . Our trip led us over rough lofty mountains . We came to the white river , and traced it to its source . We passed over other high mountains , struck branches of the Mulberry river , then descending the mountains into Johnson county , took up lodging with one , Mr . Jones , a good distance from Huntsville . ( This foursome traveled on to the Arkansas River Valley to Galley Rock , in Pope County . The Blackburns and the Robinsons , my ancestors , found their promised land , and settled there . ) Mr . Darr tells of seeing a three hundred pound catfish on the ferry while crossing the Mississippi River . Members of the wagon train were advised to shave their heads before the trip , to make themselves less attractive to Indians . He tells a cute little story about a mess he found himself in , before the trip even got started . " Must tell how I got in a tight place at our first camp . Many of the neighbors came to our camp and amongst them was a pretty and attractive young lady with the good name of Prudence , who made many remarks of regret because she could not accompany us as she had kinfolks amongst us . The writer , not looking for anything more serious than a joke remarked , " Why not go with me ? " Oh Jerusalem ! But she answered , " This is so sudden , but I will answer you in the morning before you leave camp . " Now , what was I to do ? No trouble if her answer was " no , " but if " yes " the devil I would have to pay as I could not even care for myself , of course I would have to back down if yes , and treat it as a joke . But I done better . I hit the road and was several miles on my way at sunup . This taught me never to joke with a young lady on this subject unless prepared to foot the bill . " During the violence , Yeen Lan had 100 mouths to feed , and they were running out of food . In addition to the children , the national workers who were of the wrong tribe stayed there also . Leaving would have meant death . Yeen Lan worried about the situation , one morning at her desk . Looking out the window , the Mango tree nearby was loaded with ripe fruit , a couple of month 's early . She sensed God was saying to her , " Oh you crazy woman of little faith ! I will provide . " That spurred her to action . She called the UN across town . Yes , they had food . No , they could not bring it . The town was torn by violence . Sending the national workers for it would have meant sure death . So far , they were not yet killing whites . Doug and another White missionary Built a hidden compartment in a station wagon . They had to cross town multiple times , passing through roadblocks for both sides , to get the food back to Rafiki . The food , in the hidden compartment , was not found . A great fear during that time was that a large group of tribesmen would come in and try to kill all the children that belonged to the other tribe . The child 's name often gave away the tribe name . Remember Kip Keno , the great Kenyan distance runner ? Many children from his tribe were in our village . They all carried the name " Kip . " That weekend , Yeen Lan had arranged a trip for us to the Tanzania Rafiki , which lies at the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro . This was a six hour trip by fast bus , which had only about three stops . The slow bus , which most of the natives rode , took two days , stopping at every village . At 6 : 30 AM we loaded on the bus . Emily went with us . Rafiki Tanzania had been completed for only a short time , and only had high school age walk - ins currently . They were preparing for the babies . The first group would all be babies , and the next year , as they grew , another group of babies would enter . The bus pulled up at the border , stopping on the Kenya side . It was a hectic , confusing place . People of every nationality , color , and tongue crowded into those small offices . We stood in very long lines to show our visa . Mostly , they just let everybody figure it out themselves . Barbara and I got help from a very tall , blonde German woman , who spoke very good English . Somehow , in the lines Emily got separated from us . We finished first , and headed back to the bus . The driver said he had to drive the bus to the other side , and the remaining passengers would walk across . Emily finished , walked back to the bus , and It was gone . She was in panic , momentarily , then thought , " Barbara and Pat would never let that bus leave me in this awful place . " She was right . She finally located the bus . We arrived at Moshe , and were picked up by the village director , Deb , a very nice lady from Texas . Rafiki , a few miles out , was shiny new , Surrounded by a tall wire fence . It was not as secure as our rock wall , but each house was a fortress in its own right . They were brick , with heavy metal grates over all the windows and doors . A beautiful mansion stood on a hill nearby . I asked who lived there . " Oh , thats the African Mafia , " Deb said . The majesty of Kilimanjaro did not appear until later in the day . When the top did begin to show , we had to raise our eyes up higher to see it than we would have ever thought . Far above the cloud layer . Words can 't describe it , so I won 't even try . Kilimanjaro is 19 , 000 feet high , the tallest free standing mountain in the world . It is snow capped , standing on the Equator . Deb had hiked it years before , a four day climb , the last day being through hellish arctic conditions . A guide service was a requirement , and it was very expensive . We were far too old , and way too poor , and not enough time . Deb took us to Moshe , to show us around . The stores were very inexpensive , selling unbelievable things , but carrying them home is another matter . For lunch , we ate Somosas , a triangular shaped meat pie . Very good . Native women , hair cut to the scalp , huge earrings hanging far down , in brightly colored wraps walked the streets . They carried large round platters filled with a very large load of bananas . Barbara longed to photograph them , but felt that would be impolite . Kilimanjaro produces a moist micro climate in Moshe , in this dry , arid bushland that is East Africa . An old house beside the village housed 15 teenagers who go to school there . They make fantastic crafts to pay the rent . Barbara bought note cards , made from Banana leaves . We can look at them , but never figure out how they did that . We went to church on Sunday with Deb . It was different , but we have the same God . A man and three women walked around , singing different parts of Christ 's resurrection . It was very powerful . We all drank from the large silver cup for communion . That part of the service was identical to that of St . Andrews church in Little Rock . The Little Rock church is a plant of the African church . Driving out of town , we saw a hospital that was named after Rosemary Jensen 's husband , Dr . Bob . Rosemary Jensen is an angel - like lady who founded Rafiki . In a group photo , she once honored me by suggesting that she sit on my lap in the photo . But when I readily agreed , I learned that even a Saint can blush . Yeen Lan called us the last day . We were able to tell her we had seen the top of Kilimanjaro every day , a rare event She told us she had prayed for us to see the mountain in all its glory . She said some people stay there for weeks without ever seeing the top . Don 't doubt that Yeen Lan has those connections . I personally believe Yeen Lan is an African legend in the making . If we live long enough , many people will be enthralled to find we actually know her . We got bad news just before heading back to Kenya . Deb told us our visa was a one way thing , and we would have to buy another to cross the border back into Kenya , at $ 100 each . No way around it , that 's just how it 's done . We didn 't have that much on us , and only cash could be used . Deb insisted on cashing a personal check of ours before we left . Barb seemed confident we would never need that money , I wasn 't so sure , and I took Deb up on her offer . But , as I well knew , its very easy to underestimate Barbara 's abilities , when it comes to public relations . On the bus headed out , we saw many small , circular compounds in the bush . Mud and cow manure huts were surrounded by a high fence of thorns . Most were unoccupied . The Masai , with their herds of cattle , mules and goats , just went wherever the grazing was in this dry , arid land . The donkeys were used to haul containers of muddy water from sources that might be many miles away . Drinking water was a real problem there . The Masai often had to drink from the same source the cattle had been in , a very bad thing in Africa . Many people die because of the water . Modern water wells and filtering systems could save many lives there . Young boys herded the goats . " Isn 't that dangerous ? " I had asked . " Yes , we do lose boys often . " Those who survive and become a man are a very formidable force , with only a spear , in protecting their herds . When a lion stalks their animals , four or five warriors track it down . They surround it , each with a spear and a cowhide shield . The young warrior seeking to become a man confronts it . When the lion charges , he braces the back of the spear with his foot , points the spear at the charging lion . If things go well , the lion will be impaled , and the warrior crouches behind the cowhide shield . Other warriors then move in and help . This is technically not legal now , but many older men show many scars from the day they became a man . When dry times hit , and the grazing dries up , They move the cattle into downtown Moshe , in the moist micro climate . They have been doing this for eons , long before Moshe , and besides , who is going to stand up and tell these warriors no ? Since they strongly believe that all the cattle , and the grazing in the world belong to them , they go where they wish . Before we reached the border , a large truck had wrecked , totally blocking the road . A large crowd of very scary people had gathered . The bus driver just hit the ditch , spun , backed up , over and over again , before getting around this . It looked like an impossible thing to do , but even I knew this would not be a good place to stop . When we hit the pavement , I yelled , " Let 's hear it for THE MAN ! " He got a big hand . An older man and woman were on that bus . They looked like they had been out in the bush for a very long time . I sat down beside them , and started a conversation . I just had to know their story . They were missionaries from Oregon . They came to Moshe regularly , and stay a few months at a time . They daily travel in a 4 wheel drive to remote Masai village , and minister to them . Their last trip to Africa , they went to a village where the children of the chief were sick . The witch doctor was not able to help them . The chief called on the missionaries to heal them . They doctored them , to the best of their ability , and prayed for them . When they returned to that village on this trip , the children were well . The chief gave them , and God , all the credit . Along with that , he gave them a large plot of land . They were returning to America to start raising funds to build a hospital and a church on that land . We have all heard stories of brave and dedicated African missionaries . The African bush is full of many more we have not heard of . Many self sacrificing men and women , from many countries , are fulfilling the Great Commission . These people , the seven missionaries at Rafiki , and Deb , are just a few . They are bypassing the comforts of home , family , and security , and giving their lives to this work . It is an honor for a pretend missionary , such as myself , to be able to know and work alongside these people , if only for a short time . When we got to the border , things were just as congested as before . Barbara picked the visa line she wanted , because it was manned by a guy who seemed relatively friendly , and occasionally smiled . When we got up to his desk , Barbara poured it on . Smiling , laughing , telling all about us being missionaries , and on and on . She passed the visa over to him . He was totally won over , and stamped our old visa , not valid now , and smiling , said , " You have a great day . " We thanked him , and got gone quickly . Barbara just has a gift for having her way with any man . But fortunately , she only uses it when I am at her side . At least , I think so - - - mmmmm - - ? ( Just kidding , really . ) This is a continuing story , starting before my time , when my Grandfather 's family arrived in Fourche Valley in 1898 , and follows my growing up in Wing . During our productive years , ( work and children ) my wife , Barbara , and I bought up rental property . We currently have 18 front doors : apartments , houses , duplexes . This enabled us to retire at 49 and 54 , and see the world . We love to go . We travel the world alone , on a very thin shoestring . I carry the bags , she is the brains that gets us there and back again . We fly on bonus flyer miles , saved up on our credit card . While we are at home , building up miles , I like to catfish , hang out with my children and grandchildren , and tell Barbara how pretty she is . Two years ago , I set out to write a book , " The Gillums were not like other people , " and in this project I discovered my love for writing . I have written several other short stories since . This blog is taken from my book , which is 93 pages of stories about my family and my life growing up at Wing . You can take a boy out of the hills , but I am forever a hillbilly .
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Realistically we had about two weeks to find someone and even with that it left us with only two weeks to get whomever we found to practice with us and for all of us to form a band . This knowledge set the band into a tizzy . One would think that for a group of teenage guys playing at a wedding wouldn 't be a big deal , and it wasn 't , but the money that was on the line is what made it a big deal . We had a couple of prospects but none of them had the right tone for the song nor did they really mesh well with our little band of musicians . One day during practice we received a miracle . I know it wasn 't a real miracle , but in my life it was just short of one . The four of us and Milly were in the barn once again ; it is where we spent most of our free time , talking about what we were going to do . None of us wanted to lose this gig , but we just didn 't have any prospect for the singer we needed . Parley , who hadn 't been around the band much after the day she slapped Midori , entered and began to fidget . " You will ? That is great . " Midori , who had been in a far away land since the day of the infamous slap , beamed and took a step toward her . He reached out to place a friendly hand on her shoulder but Milly stepped between them . " I don 't think so . She probably can 't even sing . This is just another one of her tricks . " A defiant grin crawled onto Milly 's face . " There is nothing behind the gesture . No tricks . " Parley looked Midori directly in his eyes when she said that . " I just want to help my brother out . " I took a good look at my sister . She hadn 't really been in a family bonding place in years and I had to know if she was planning something , but the look on her face , the tone of her voice and hell even the way she was dressed screamed with change . Something had happened to my sister and perhaps this was a good something . Perhaps it was the something that could bring her back around to being Parley again . " I sure do . " Walking to the mic stand she asked , " Acapella or do you all want to join in to see how awesome we sound ? " Her voice laced with confidence . We all scrambled to our instruments and she was right we sounded great . Her voice was perfect for the song and when Midori harmonized with her it was magical . There was no way that Milly could deny that my baby sister could sing . When the song was over we all were excited for her to join us , but Milly still didn 't like the idea and tried many avenues to get us to turn her away . No one was really interested in what she had to say on the matter until she made one really good point that none of us could rebuff . " She can 't be in the band . She is only thirteen and won 't be allowed in the bars . You four aren 't even allowed to stay after your gigs . " She knew she had us and she looked at us all smugly . Leave it to my sister to know exactly what to say . " I don 't want to be in the band . I just want to perform at the wedding so that your sister will hire them . " Milly opened her mouth but then closed it again . She had no retort to this logic and she knew it . " Well then it is settled . Welcome to the Southern Llama 's Parley . " I removed my hands from her shoulders and moved away , but as I did I heard Midori say , " You 're not going to slap me again are you ? " I couldn 't help but chuckle as I climbed behind my drums . " Let 's try that song again . " The next couple of weeks were some of the best of my teenage life . They were full of the work I loved as well as the people I loved . Having Parley being involved and not cold and distant was something . She was really a funny girl and having her vocals in the band was incredible . She made us better and we wished she would have been allowed to sing with us as we performed at the bar . The only one that didn 't seem happy about having Parley around was Milly , but it just made her work twice as hard to vie for Midori 's attention . Soon the wedding day was upon us . Milly looked beautiful in her bridesmaid gown and I couldn 't help but wish , as I stared at her , that I was her date and not Midori . She had convinced him that she needed a date or her family would look down at her . He agreed , but made sure she knew that this " date " didn 't change their relationship status . They were friends and nothing more . Despite this she seemed to be overly confident that it meant more . Then we were invited to attend the dinner . I sat at a table with Abram but wished I was sitting with the blonde beauty that was to Midori 's right . The two of them sat at the head table with Milly 's parents . I watched the two of them with envy . Watching her touch his arm lightly , laughing at his stupid jokes and leaning toward him every chance she got filled me with jealousy . I longed to be in Midori 's shoes , but I couldn 't blame my best friend ; all he ever did was be himself . When I couldn 't watch them any longer my eyes diverted to another table where Parley was sitting across from Marques , a boy she hardly knew . The two of them ate in silence , but even in silence if you listen closely you can still hear the story that is going on . Her eyes kept diverting over to the table to her right and when Midori look up at her she would quickly find her plate interesting . It was frustrating to watch and I could only hope that someday these two would find their way to one another . I guess part of that hope was because that would open the way for me to ask Milly out , but I couldn 't let myself really think of that or I felt terrible . As I glanced over at Midori , who 's lovely voice complemented mine so well , I couldn 't control the tears that threatened to spill and soon my face was full of my mascara stained tears . I thought about all the years I spent being angry at him for leaving me when in reality I was the one who deserted him in my grief . Hope began to swell in me as I thought that after the wedding I would tell him how I truly felt , but then I made the mistake of looking out into the crowd and saw an adoring Milly staring passionately at Midori . From day one she never faltered in her feelings for him . She never went hot and cold with him and she never raised her hand to him . Doubt began to fill me as I remembered our three year age difference and by the time the song was over I had convinced myself that I only wanted Midori to be happy and I was only a toxin to him . I would never be good enough to be with such a wonderful boy . When I sang the last note of the song I dropped my microphone and darted off the stage . As I ran I wiped the tears from my eyes vowing that these would be the last tears that my beloved Midori would see me cry . I knew he would chase after me for he was too caring for his own good . From behind me I heard Milly 's squeaky voice say , " Come on Midori dance with me . You are my date after all . " But as predicted Midori caught up with me . As I turned to face him he immediately began his questioning . " Parley , what is wrong ? Is there something you want to tell me ? " " The song just got to me . I wanted to make it special for the couple so I put everything I had into it . " It wasn 't exactly a lie . " I have no idea what you are talking about Midori . The wedding , the song , and the atmosphere it just all got to me . Made me think of my parents and the past . That 's all . " I thought that I was being convincing , but Midori didn 't buy it at all . Before I knew it Midori had his arms around me pulling me close to him , and when he planted his lips to mine it startled me . I froze not kissing him back but not pulling away from him either . When I realized this was actually happening and not my imagination I had to force myself to pull away from him . I placed my right hand on his jacket , over his heart , and gave him a forlorn look . " Midori , it doesn 't matter how I feel . We aren 't meant to be . We are just not right for each other . " As much as I didn 't want to mean those words I knew that deep down I did . I wasn 't right for him . He deserved so much better and I was going to step aside and allow him to have that . " You have wasted enough time on me . There is someone who has been there for you and I think she deserves a chance . " I took him by his shoulders and turned him to face Milly . " But … " He started . I couldn 't listen to him . I couldn 't hear his words full of love and I couldn 't tell him no again . I gave him a slight push forward and once again I allowed my feet to do their best work and ran away from the one boy I will ever truly love . The rest of the summer went by in a blur . I had been right and things did change . Parley quit the band , and pretty much steered clear whenever Midori was around . However , she began to engage with our family more . Dad was beginning to push past his grief and the three of us began to patch up our injured family . Midori wasn 't around much after the wedding . Sure he was at every band practice and gig and we touched based every day , but he was spending a lot of time at the Lee 's house . The two of them hadn 't become an official couple yet , but I knew it was just a matter of time . Milly was doing a great job helping him heal from his broken heart . When school started it became worse . Our band wasn 't able to book gigs so there was no need for us to meet up as often as we did . Sure we hung out from time to time and talked about what the summer after our senior year would bring , but that is all it was … talk . I was in my senior year of high school and I should be having the time of my life , but instead I was losing my best friend . The worst part about it was the fact that it wasn 't something I had done or a fight we had , had . It was because he was in love with my sister and she wouldn 't allow anything to happen . Four months after school started I received a very unnerving phone call . It was from Dr . Fantrain . He told me that he was being admitted to the hospital and he needed me to spend more time at the farm . He was worried that the animals wouldn 't get fed and they would lack human interaction . As Midori spent more time at Milly 's he spent less time at the Slughorn 's . It was no longer a necessity for him to be there with Parley and dad healing . Dad was making meals again . He would talk and visit with Parley and our family began to feel whole again . A month of hard work went by and one rare night I was home , there was a knock on the door . Our visitor was a lawyer . He asked if he could talk to me . Not knowing what it was about dad insisted he come in and that our conversation be held at the kitchen table . I couldn 't believe what I was being told . How could Dr . Fantrain be dead ? Why would he leave me the farm ? It was all too confusing and heartbreaking . I had once again lost someone that I looked up too . Someone who believed in me and made me feel I could accomplish anything . He was my hero and my mentor . How would the world go on with such a wonderful soul missing from it ? He handed me a letter and I couldn 't take any more . As I walked away I could hear dad agreeing that we would go to Mr . Brighton 's office the following week to sign all the paperwork . That when I turned eighteen I would be the proud owner of Fantrain Farm . Dear Pello My Boy , I know this may come as a shock to you because I lead you to believe my illness wasn 't a big deal , but I knew I was dying when I was admitted to the hospital . I apologize for the dishonesty , but I didn 't want to accept that I was leaving this world , which meant I was leaving you and Kora as well . This past year has been wonderful mentoring you to be a veterinarian and teaching you about farming and animal care . You and Kora are like my own children and it breaks my heart thinking about leaving you . I hope you will forgive me someday . If you are reading this letter then you know I have left Fantrain Farm to you . There is no one else that would take care of it and its residents like I know you will . You were meant to be my predecessor and I know in my heart that all you have been through was just the path to your true calling . You are going to do amazing things my boy . You will find a tin box under my bed . It is my nest egg and it is yours . It isn 't much but it should help with school . Be a veterinarian , make the Slughorn name great , and be kind to others . Please keep Kora on and help her through this grief . You may not see it now , but she will forever be your loyal friend . We had a visitor . When I answered the door and saw the face that rustled the deepest anger in me I was reluctant to tell him where my dad was . I couldn 't bear the thought of sending this man to him just to bring back all those horrible memories . Our family was healing and we didn 't need this set back . Instantly my blood ran cold . Why was he here ? Didn 't he cause enough pain for my family ? There was no reason he should be here . " When that unauthorized book came out I loved that the press got it all wrong . I loved that they said that Octavia , despite choosing you , still loved me and couldn 't resist me . Selfishly I allowed the hushed whispers and rumors to circulate and never corrected anyone . I didn 't even care when Misty finally left me . " " Kyle , the truth is I loved her . I wanted her . I couldn 't resist her . I wanted her to love me and not you . " " I know . She was with me , but it wasn 't like you think . We first started to meet to talk about the boys . She had some concerns and wanted my help to guide them . It didn 't take long for her to realize that I had begun to drink , and was drinking a lot . When she confronted me I broke down and begged her not to tell Misty or the boys . I am an asshole , but I do love my boys . I am also proud and didn 't want anyone to know my issues . " " Yes . I was grateful for her help , but mostly I loved the time with her . I never stopped loving her . She will always been the one in my heart . " I looked the man who had done so much damage in the eyes . " That leaves us with two things in common . " I was referring to my love for his boys and my love for Octavia . " Why didn 't you come forward sooner ? " He didn 't answer me . Instead he stood up , clapped me on the back and said , " Have a great life Kyle . Relish in the fact that the woman you loved , loved you back . " First I would like to say thank you for that and 2nd I would like to apologize for the fact that I haven 't posted in forever . I just don 't have the ambition , desire or time to blog my sims stories anymore . I love the Slughorn 's and I have a story to tell with them but I don 't get to play sims like I use to anymore and as I have mentioned the desire isn 't there right now . Midori is the best friend anyone could ask for . As summer break approached Dr . Fantrain began to get more boarders and needed me to start coming in after school for a couple of hours and to work a few extra hours on the weekends . I knew the money would be nice and it would get me that much closer to getting my drum set , but I wasn 't sure I could let my family fend for themselves . Midori , who was at my house most of the time anyway and who had become a natural cook , stepped up and said that every day after school he would go to my house to do his homework and make the Slughorn 's dinner . I protested at first but he insisted and told me that he wanted to help out . I knew that the biggest reason was to try and get close to Parley again , but I still felt bad that he wanted to take that on . After several discussions about it I told Dr . Fantrain that I would start putting in the extra hours . The last couple weeks before summer break went by in a whirlwind . The days went along like this : Get up , have breakfast , go to school , go to Fantrain Farm and work for two to three hours , home to have dinner , hang out with Midori for a while , do homework and then to bed . The weekends were much of the same except for no school . This may seem like my life was without fun , but that isn 't true . I was becoming really good on the drum and practiced everyday during my study hour . Midori , who was becoming quite popular in school , also had the same study hour and would come to the music room with me . We were also joined by Milly Lee , a stunning gal who had the biggest crush on Midori . She would come and listen to me play and flirt with Midori who had befriended her but tried to tell her he wasn 't interested in being more then friends . The girl , was relentless , and continued to do everything in her power to make Midori fall for her . Spending that much time with a beautiful , smart , friendly , and fun young lady I found myself crushing on her . I would try to show that I was interested but she never noticed and only treated me like a friend . It was three days before the summer break and the three of us were hanging out in the music room . I had been experimenting with some drum beats when I decided to move forward and I started the down beat of " Don 't You Forget About Me " by Simple Minds . Half way through the song Midori began to sing the lyrics and what came out of his mouth was gold . I had known the kid for all these years and never knew he could sing . " I learned to sing when Parley was practicing for your mom 's funeral . " He lowered his head finding the floor really fascinating . The topic of my mom 's death or the funeral was always a touchy subject in the Slughorn household and Midori had learned to treat it with kid gloves . Milly never liked it when Midori brought Parley up and she quickly changed the subject . " You two should form a band . I bet you could get some gigs around town . It would give you some extra spending money . " Her smile filled her face . " Oh psssh , I 'm sure my dad could loan you the rest of the money with a promise to pay him back after your first gig or two so that isn 't a problem . Midori you really do have a lovely voice you two should do this . " Milly 's voice turned into a whine and her face scrunched up making her normally beautiful face something truly horrific . Milly , although super generous and kind , came from the most wealthy family in Appaloosa Plains and she rarely took no for an answer . By the end of the period Midori had given in and agreed to be part of a band with me as long as it was something we did for fun to pick up a little extra money . Nothing more . Milly was in seventh heaven and as we walked out of the classroom she was already making plans in her head . Just before school ended Milly had made good on her word . She got her dad to loan me the rest of the money for my drum set , she recruited Marquis Creech and Abram Hand to join our band as piano player and guitarist , and that is how the Southern Llamas became . She had also arranged our first gig which would be three weeks after summer started , so we had time to practice together as a band . The summer started out with a bang when one of the animals on Fantrain Farm got attacked by a wild dog that wandered into on the property , late in the night , and the two of them got into a scuffle . Dr . Fantrain was able to catch the dog , which he put in quarantine in hopes that the dog could be tamed , and called me in to help out with the injury . After that night he decided that he wanted me to learn from him , before I went off to school , the trade of being a veterinarian . In addition to my normal responsibilities on the farm Dr . Fantrain would have me attend his exams . I was very grateful and I learned a lot from him . He took the time to explain what he was doing and why as well as the proper way to handle the animal that was being examined . It made me feel as if I was ahead of the learning curve . With every new patient and lesson I knew that becoming a veterinarian was my life 's calling . I enjoyed the time with Dr . Fantrain as well as enjoyed the hands on learning . I was also becoming attached to the critters who lived on the farm and each held their own special place in my heart . I enjoyed watching the dogs form their pack . When Bear was healing from his attack by the wild dog Cherry and Cleo stayed by his side . He and Cherry had gotten very close , close enough that I think we will have puppies roaming around the farm soon . Every day when we had to leave Cherry would whine softly for her pack and she was happy as a clam the next day when we would return . Dr . Fantrain worked with the wild dog , which we called Frostbite , and slowly he started to trust humans and finally we were able to incorporate him in with the others and he fit nicely in our little farm pack . The three weeks went by fast and it was the day of our first paying gig . We found ourselves at my house at 10 am for one last rehearsal . None of us wanted to mess this up and we were all excited of the prospect of this continuing through the rest of the summer . During the past three weeks we found out that we were actually a decent band and were pumped to get the show on the road . " But Midori you are so flawless and I just have to stroke your ego every chance I get . " Came Parley 's mocking voice from the doorway . We all turned our heads in her direction . " Let 's not forget there are three other guys that make up the band . " She gave a smug look toward Milly and looked down at her nails . Midori pulled Me away from the rest of the group and spun me around to face him . " Parley Marie Slughorn your attitude has gotten out of control . You have no right to be jealous of Milly . No right at all . " Please you can 't fool me . You may be able to fool your family , the kids at school and even yourself , but you can 't fool me . I know you better then you know yourself and it is eating you up that Milly is showing me attention . " I looked at him defiantly and even gave him a smile , " You 're crazy . I just don 't like her . She is fake and stupid . There 's no crime in that . " Midori grabbed my arms and pulled forward to ensure that I look at him when he said his next words . " Parley , you made the rules now you have to live by them . You pushed me away and told me you didn 't want anything to do with me despite all my attempts and attention . Milly and I aren 't together , but I have every right to move on , and if I choose to move on with Milly you have nothing to say about that . " His words were like daggers to my heart . Tears stung my eyes but I fought them back . Pulling out of his grasp I stood there starring at him . I couldn 't believe what I had just done , but I couldn 't let him know I was sorry either . If I did that it would just show him that he is right and he isn 't right . He couldn 't be . Rubbing his cheek he looked up at me . " Real mature Parley . " He voice wasn 't full of anger or disgust , but sadness and longing . I couldn 't handle this I couldn 't handle any of it so I turned on my heel and fled . " Did she just slap him ? " Milly 's voice was full of concern , we hadn 't been watching the arguing pair , but when we heard the noise we all looked up . Milly started to walking toward them as Parley fled the room . Midori turned toward us and we could see that his already red cheek was even redder . Milly lunged at him wrapping her arms around his neck . " Oh my Sims she did slap you . Are you okay ? " I took in a deep breath . Parley had been out of control these past few years , but hitting someone , hitting my best friend she had pushed the limits too far . " I have to go talk to her . " " No , don 't worry about it dude . We talked , she had no other recourse . Just let it be . " Gently pushing Milly away from him he grabbed his mic . " Let 's practice the opening song one more time . " Weeks went by and our bad was becoming very popular . People around town started to recognize us and a few even asked for our autographs . Marques , Abram and I were eating up the attention but Midori was just along for the ride reminding me all the time he wasn 't doing this for more than being a friend to me and a few extra bucks . The end of July arrived and Milly presented us with a gig . She told us her sister was getting married at the end of August and wanted to book our band , but was having doubts because there was no girl in the band . Her fiancée and her song was At Last by Etta James and she couldn 't have anyone but a woman sing that song . Milly had convinced her if The Southern Llamas could find a girl then she would hire us . Thank you so much to Logan from Logans Lotz of Lots for making the beautiful Fantrain farm . It is a home that the Slughorn 's will always find their way back to even if they move away for a bigger life . and finally Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Time moved on for the Slughorn 's . Kids went to school , participated in sports , school activities , dances and hung out with their friends . Time had been great for the Slughorn kids . Pax was doing well in school and surprisingly he managed dating two girls very well . Percy and Margo still enjoying each other companies and their relationship was strong . Porter saw his girls every weekend and he was on cloud nine , but he still couldn 't get Firefly to let him back into her life , but every moment that passed she seemed to relent and relax on a new issue . Pello and Parley were thick as thieves and were very popular in school . Although time had been great for the kids it wasn 't so kind on Kyle and Octavia . After that fateful Halloween night they started to grow apart . Sure they put on the charade and they said their " I love yous " when around friends and family which usually was followed by the cute little peck or quick hug , but many nights Octavia fell asleep alone , Kyle telling her he was busy with something or another , and many mornings she walked down the stairs to see Kyle folding up the couch blanket before the kids came barreling down . Octavia wasn 't sure why the void was there and why it was growing . She loved Kyle sure , but a big part of her didn 't miss him when he was absent in her bed or when she woke in the morning . She felt guilty for her thoughts and feelings , but she chalked it up as this is how long time married couples acted , and she was justified , in her mind , when she remembered coming down the stairs as a child and seeing her dad sleeping on the couch . Pax had received a scholarship for football at the local Riverview College and his dad , Danger , had agreed to rent and pay for a house for him to live in . The house that the two picked out was big enough for both Bluebell and Jade to move in with him . Octavia wasn 't fond of that part of Pax 's plan , but she didn 't know how she could get him to rethink it . After walking out of the school auditorium Octavia realized she left the program on her seat and she wanted to put that in Pax 's scrapbook . She told her family to wait for her and went back inside . Standing by the seat she had been sitting in , holding her program , was Danger . A scowl spread on her face and she walked to him snatching it from his hand . " What do you want ? " She growled . " I don 't think that is a good idea . You can just call me . " Her mouth said one thing but her hand snapped forward and grabbed the paper from his hand . " So you have an issue with me renting a house for Pax ? " Danger starts and poured himself a glass of champagne . He tilted it toward her and she shook her head no . " Oh that is great parenting skills Danger . I seem to recall you having a similar caviler attitude with Porter and look at where he is at . He barley is getting by in school because he has to work to help raise two daughters that he had with a much older woman out of wedlock . You really think that having this attitude with Pax is going to turn out well ? " Danger laughed and took a long drink from his flute . " Yeah I screwed up with Porter , but Pax is a whole different ballgame . You hold on too tight Octavia and you will lose your boy . " Before she knew it Danger had her against the motel wall and his lips found her exposed neck . Not having this kind of affection for so long mixed with her attraction to Danger led her to snaking her arms around his neck and pulled him closer . His lips find hers and she moans into his . He slid his hand up her thigh and under her skirt . His hand found the flimsy material of her panties and he tugged and that is when Octavia pushed him away . A burst of energy coursed through her and she pushed him off her . Buttoning her shirt she stands up . " I can 't do this . It isn 't right . " But the following Thursday Octavia found herself standing in front of the sleazy motel looking at the numbers on the door , 69 . How appropriate for her visit there . She had told Kyle and the kids that she had joined a woman 's bowling league and that every Thursday she would be going out after dinner and coming home late . Seeing him laying on the bed in just his boxers she tried to turn around and leave , but his reflexes were fast and he grabbed her and once again threw her on the bed . " I 'm not letting you get away this time Octavia . I need you . " For six days a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mother of five and wife to Kyle Slughorn , the nicest and most sought out man in town . Everyone who knew her envied her and wanted to be in her shoes , if only they knew she was living a lie . Then one night a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mistress to Danger Zone . It was the one night a week she felt herself and happy . As she drove home , slowly , she saw there was a physic reading taking place at the park . She decided to go and check it out . She needed time to figure out why to say to Kyle anyway . " Child . " She said in her heavy Cajun accent , " He isn 't going to leave you . He loves his wife , but he craves for more then what he is allowed . " How did this woman know ? Octavia was taken back with the fact that this woman knew about her affair . She hadn 't really believed in this stuff . She just sat there and stared there starring at the woman . At that moment two things happened to Octavia . First she got angry with Madame Currie and her mumbo jumbo and threw the doll back at her . Next she turned on her heel and ran toward her car . She knew that her life was with Kyle and she had to get home and tell him the truth and tell him that she loved him and only him . Danger was just something she couldn 't have and that made her want him as if she were a child . She just prayed that he could forgive her and they could restart their life together . 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Realistically we had about two weeks to find someone and even with that it left us with only two weeks to get whomever we found to practice with us and for all of us to form a band . This knowledge set the band into a tizzy . One would think that for a group of teenage guys playing at a wedding wouldn 't be a big deal , and it wasn 't , but the money that was on the line is what made it a big deal . We had a couple of prospects but none of them had the right tone for the song nor did they really mesh well with our little band of musicians . One day during practice we received a miracle . I know it wasn 't a real miracle , but in my life it was just short of one . The four of us and Milly were in the barn once again ; it is where we spent most of our free time , talking about what we were going to do . None of us wanted to lose this gig , but we just didn 't have any prospect for the singer we needed . Parley , who hadn 't been around the band much after the day she slapped Midori , entered and began to fidget . " You will ? That is great . " Midori , who had been in a far away land since the day of the infamous slap , beamed and took a step toward her . He reached out to place a friendly hand on her shoulder but Milly stepped between them . " I don 't think so . She probably can 't even sing . This is just another one of her tricks . " A defiant grin crawled onto Milly 's face . " There is nothing behind the gesture . No tricks . " Parley looked Midori directly in his eyes when she said that . " I just want to help my brother out . " I took a good look at my sister . She hadn 't really been in a family bonding place in years and I had to know if she was planning something , but the look on her face , the tone of her voice and hell even the way she was dressed screamed with change . Something had happened to my sister and perhaps this was a good something . Perhaps it was the something that could bring her back around to being Parley again . " I sure do . " Walking to the mic stand she asked , " Acapella or do you all want to join in to see how awesome we sound ? " Her voice laced with confidence . We all scrambled to our instruments and she was right we sounded great . Her voice was perfect for the song and when Midori harmonized with her it was magical . There was no way that Milly could deny that my baby sister could sing . When the song was over we all were excited for her to join us , but Milly still didn 't like the idea and tried many avenues to get us to turn her away . No one was really interested in what she had to say on the matter until she made one really good point that none of us could rebuff . " She can 't be in the band . She is only thirteen and won 't be allowed in the bars . You four aren 't even allowed to stay after your gigs . " She knew she had us and she looked at us all smugly . Leave it to my sister to know exactly what to say . " I don 't want to be in the band . I just want to perform at the wedding so that your sister will hire them . " Milly opened her mouth but then closed it again . She had no retort to this logic and she knew it . " Well then it is settled . Welcome to the Southern Llama 's Parley . " I removed my hands from her shoulders and moved away , but as I did I heard Midori say , " You 're not going to slap me again are you ? " I couldn 't help but chuckle as I climbed behind my drums . " Let 's try that song again . " The next couple of weeks were some of the best of my teenage life . They were full of the work I loved as well as the people I loved . Having Parley being involved and not cold and distant was something . She was really a funny girl and having her vocals in the band was incredible . She made us better and we wished she would have been allowed to sing with us as we performed at the bar . The only one that didn 't seem happy about having Parley around was Milly , but it just made her work twice as hard to vie for Midori 's attention . Soon the wedding day was upon us . Milly looked beautiful in her bridesmaid gown and I couldn 't help but wish , as I stared at her , that I was her date and not Midori . She had convinced him that she needed a date or her family would look down at her . He agreed , but made sure she knew that this " date " didn 't change their relationship status . They were friends and nothing more . Despite this she seemed to be overly confident that it meant more . Then we were invited to attend the dinner . I sat at a table with Abram but wished I was sitting with the blonde beauty that was to Midori 's right . The two of them sat at the head table with Milly 's parents . I watched the two of them with envy . Watching her touch his arm lightly , laughing at his stupid jokes and leaning toward him every chance she got filled me with jealousy . I longed to be in Midori 's shoes , but I couldn 't blame my best friend ; all he ever did was be himself . When I couldn 't watch them any longer my eyes diverted to another table where Parley was sitting across from Marques , a boy she hardly knew . The two of them ate in silence , but even in silence if you listen closely you can still hear the story that is going on . Her eyes kept diverting over to the table to her right and when Midori look up at her she would quickly find her plate interesting . It was frustrating to watch and I could only hope that someday these two would find their way to one another . I guess part of that hope was because that would open the way for me to ask Milly out , but I couldn 't let myself really think of that or I felt terrible . As I glanced over at Midori , who 's lovely voice complemented mine so well , I couldn 't control the tears that threatened to spill and soon my face was full of my mascara stained tears . I thought about all the years I spent being angry at him for leaving me when in reality I was the one who deserted him in my grief . Hope began to swell in me as I thought that after the wedding I would tell him how I truly felt , but then I made the mistake of looking out into the crowd and saw an adoring Milly staring passionately at Midori . From day one she never faltered in her feelings for him . She never went hot and cold with him and she never raised her hand to him . Doubt began to fill me as I remembered our three year age difference and by the time the song was over I had convinced myself that I only wanted Midori to be happy and I was only a toxin to him . I would never be good enough to be with such a wonderful boy . When I sang the last note of the song I dropped my microphone and darted off the stage . As I ran I wiped the tears from my eyes vowing that these would be the last tears that my beloved Midori would see me cry . I knew he would chase after me for he was too caring for his own good . From behind me I heard Milly 's squeaky voice say , " Come on Midori dance with me . You are my date after all . " But as predicted Midori caught up with me . As I turned to face him he immediately began his questioning . " Parley , what is wrong ? Is there something you want to tell me ? " " The song just got to me . I wanted to make it special for the couple so I put everything I had into it . " It wasn 't exactly a lie . " I have no idea what you are talking about Midori . The wedding , the song , and the atmosphere it just all got to me . Made me think of my parents and the past . That 's all . " I thought that I was being convincing , but Midori didn 't buy it at all . Before I knew it Midori had his arms around me pulling me close to him , and when he planted his lips to mine it startled me . I froze not kissing him back but not pulling away from him either . When I realized this was actually happening and not my imagination I had to force myself to pull away from him . I placed my right hand on his jacket , over his heart , and gave him a forlorn look . " Midori , it doesn 't matter how I feel . We aren 't meant to be . We are just not right for each other . " As much as I didn 't want to mean those words I knew that deep down I did . I wasn 't right for him . He deserved so much better and I was going to step aside and allow him to have that . " You have wasted enough time on me . There is someone who has been there for you and I think she deserves a chance . " I took him by his shoulders and turned him to face Milly . " But … " He started . I couldn 't listen to him . I couldn 't hear his words full of love and I couldn 't tell him no again . I gave him a slight push forward and once again I allowed my feet to do their best work and ran away from the one boy I will ever truly love . The rest of the summer went by in a blur . I had been right and things did change . Parley quit the band , and pretty much steered clear whenever Midori was around . However , she began to engage with our family more . Dad was beginning to push past his grief and the three of us began to patch up our injured family . Midori wasn 't around much after the wedding . Sure he was at every band practice and gig and we touched based every day , but he was spending a lot of time at the Lee 's house . The two of them hadn 't become an official couple yet , but I knew it was just a matter of time . Milly was doing a great job helping him heal from his broken heart . When school started it became worse . Our band wasn 't able to book gigs so there was no need for us to meet up as often as we did . Sure we hung out from time to time and talked about what the summer after our senior year would bring , but that is all it was … talk . I was in my senior year of high school and I should be having the time of my life , but instead I was losing my best friend . The worst part about it was the fact that it wasn 't something I had done or a fight we had , had . It was because he was in love with my sister and she wouldn 't allow anything to happen . Four months after school started I received a very unnerving phone call . It was from Dr . Fantrain . He told me that he was being admitted to the hospital and he needed me to spend more time at the farm . He was worried that the animals wouldn 't get fed and they would lack human interaction . As Midori spent more time at Milly 's he spent less time at the Slughorn 's . It was no longer a necessity for him to be there with Parley and dad healing . Dad was making meals again . He would talk and visit with Parley and our family began to feel whole again . A month of hard work went by and one rare night I was home , there was a knock on the door . Our visitor was a lawyer . He asked if he could talk to me . Not knowing what it was about dad insisted he come in and that our conversation be held at the kitchen table . I couldn 't believe what I was being told . How could Dr . Fantrain be dead ? Why would he leave me the farm ? It was all too confusing and heartbreaking . I had once again lost someone that I looked up too . Someone who believed in me and made me feel I could accomplish anything . He was my hero and my mentor . How would the world go on with such a wonderful soul missing from it ? He handed me a letter and I couldn 't take any more . As I walked away I could hear dad agreeing that we would go to Mr . Brighton 's office the following week to sign all the paperwork . That when I turned eighteen I would be the proud owner of Fantrain Farm . Dear Pello My Boy , I know this may come as a shock to you because I lead you to believe my illness wasn 't a big deal , but I knew I was dying when I was admitted to the hospital . I apologize for the dishonesty , but I didn 't want to accept that I was leaving this world , which meant I was leaving you and Kora as well . This past year has been wonderful mentoring you to be a veterinarian and teaching you about farming and animal care . You and Kora are like my own children and it breaks my heart thinking about leaving you . I hope you will forgive me someday . If you are reading this letter then you know I have left Fantrain Farm to you . There is no one else that would take care of it and its residents like I know you will . You were meant to be my predecessor and I know in my heart that all you have been through was just the path to your true calling . You are going to do amazing things my boy . You will find a tin box under my bed . It is my nest egg and it is yours . It isn 't much but it should help with school . Be a veterinarian , make the Slughorn name great , and be kind to others . Please keep Kora on and help her through this grief . You may not see it now , but she will forever be your loyal friend . We had a visitor . When I answered the door and saw the face that rustled the deepest anger in me I was reluctant to tell him where my dad was . I couldn 't bear the thought of sending this man to him just to bring back all those horrible memories . Our family was healing and we didn 't need this set back . Instantly my blood ran cold . Why was he here ? Didn 't he cause enough pain for my family ? There was no reason he should be here . " When that unauthorized book came out I loved that the press got it all wrong . I loved that they said that Octavia , despite choosing you , still loved me and couldn 't resist me . Selfishly I allowed the hushed whispers and rumors to circulate and never corrected anyone . I didn 't even care when Misty finally left me . " " Kyle , the truth is I loved her . I wanted her . I couldn 't resist her . I wanted her to love me and not you . " " I know . She was with me , but it wasn 't like you think . We first started to meet to talk about the boys . She had some concerns and wanted my help to guide them . It didn 't take long for her to realize that I had begun to drink , and was drinking a lot . When she confronted me I broke down and begged her not to tell Misty or the boys . I am an asshole , but I do love my boys . I am also proud and didn 't want anyone to know my issues . " " Yes . I was grateful for her help , but mostly I loved the time with her . I never stopped loving her . She will always been the one in my heart . " I looked the man who had done so much damage in the eyes . " That leaves us with two things in common . " I was referring to my love for his boys and my love for Octavia . " Why didn 't you come forward sooner ? " He didn 't answer me . Instead he stood up , clapped me on the back and said , " Have a great life Kyle . Relish in the fact that the woman you loved , loved you back . " First I would like to say thank you for that and 2nd I would like to apologize for the fact that I haven 't posted in forever . I just don 't have the ambition , desire or time to blog my sims stories anymore . I love the Slughorn 's and I have a story to tell with them but I don 't get to play sims like I use to anymore and as I have mentioned the desire isn 't there right now . Midori is the best friend anyone could ask for . As summer break approached Dr . Fantrain began to get more boarders and needed me to start coming in after school for a couple of hours and to work a few extra hours on the weekends . I knew the money would be nice and it would get me that much closer to getting my drum set , but I wasn 't sure I could let my family fend for themselves . Midori , who was at my house most of the time anyway and who had become a natural cook , stepped up and said that every day after school he would go to my house to do his homework and make the Slughorn 's dinner . I protested at first but he insisted and told me that he wanted to help out . I knew that the biggest reason was to try and get close to Parley again , but I still felt bad that he wanted to take that on . After several discussions about it I told Dr . Fantrain that I would start putting in the extra hours . The last couple weeks before summer break went by in a whirlwind . The days went along like this : Get up , have breakfast , go to school , go to Fantrain Farm and work for two to three hours , home to have dinner , hang out with Midori for a while , do homework and then to bed . The weekends were much of the same except for no school . This may seem like my life was without fun , but that isn 't true . I was becoming really good on the drum and practiced everyday during my study hour . Midori , who was becoming quite popular in school , also had the same study hour and would come to the music room with me . We were also joined by Milly Lee , a stunning gal who had the biggest crush on Midori . She would come and listen to me play and flirt with Midori who had befriended her but tried to tell her he wasn 't interested in being more then friends . The girl , was relentless , and continued to do everything in her power to make Midori fall for her . Spending that much time with a beautiful , smart , friendly , and fun young lady I found myself crushing on her . I would try to show that I was interested but she never noticed and only treated me like a friend . It was three days before the summer break and the three of us were hanging out in the music room . I had been experimenting with some drum beats when I decided to move forward and I started the down beat of " Don 't You Forget About Me " by Simple Minds . Half way through the song Midori began to sing the lyrics and what came out of his mouth was gold . I had known the kid for all these years and never knew he could sing . " I learned to sing when Parley was practicing for your mom 's funeral . " He lowered his head finding the floor really fascinating . The topic of my mom 's death or the funeral was always a touchy subject in the Slughorn household and Midori had learned to treat it with kid gloves . Milly never liked it when Midori brought Parley up and she quickly changed the subject . " You two should form a band . I bet you could get some gigs around town . It would give you some extra spending money . " Her smile filled her face . " Oh psssh , I 'm sure my dad could loan you the rest of the money with a promise to pay him back after your first gig or two so that isn 't a problem . Midori you really do have a lovely voice you two should do this . " Milly 's voice turned into a whine and her face scrunched up making her normally beautiful face something truly horrific . Milly , although super generous and kind , came from the most wealthy family in Appaloosa Plains and she rarely took no for an answer . By the end of the period Midori had given in and agreed to be part of a band with me as long as it was something we did for fun to pick up a little extra money . Nothing more . Milly was in seventh heaven and as we walked out of the classroom she was already making plans in her head . Just before school ended Milly had made good on her word . She got her dad to loan me the rest of the money for my drum set , she recruited Marquis Creech and Abram Hand to join our band as piano player and guitarist , and that is how the Southern Llamas became . She had also arranged our first gig which would be three weeks after summer started , so we had time to practice together as a band . The summer started out with a bang when one of the animals on Fantrain Farm got attacked by a wild dog that wandered into on the property , late in the night , and the two of them got into a scuffle . Dr . Fantrain was able to catch the dog , which he put in quarantine in hopes that the dog could be tamed , and called me in to help out with the injury . After that night he decided that he wanted me to learn from him , before I went off to school , the trade of being a veterinarian . In addition to my normal responsibilities on the farm Dr . Fantrain would have me attend his exams . I was very grateful and I learned a lot from him . He took the time to explain what he was doing and why as well as the proper way to handle the animal that was being examined . It made me feel as if I was ahead of the learning curve . With every new patient and lesson I knew that becoming a veterinarian was my life 's calling . I enjoyed the time with Dr . Fantrain as well as enjoyed the hands on learning . I was also becoming attached to the critters who lived on the farm and each held their own special place in my heart . I enjoyed watching the dogs form their pack . When Bear was healing from his attack by the wild dog Cherry and Cleo stayed by his side . He and Cherry had gotten very close , close enough that I think we will have puppies roaming around the farm soon . Every day when we had to leave Cherry would whine softly for her pack and she was happy as a clam the next day when we would return . Dr . Fantrain worked with the wild dog , which we called Frostbite , and slowly he started to trust humans and finally we were able to incorporate him in with the others and he fit nicely in our little farm pack . The three weeks went by fast and it was the day of our first paying gig . We found ourselves at my house at 10 am for one last rehearsal . None of us wanted to mess this up and we were all excited of the prospect of this continuing through the rest of the summer . During the past three weeks we found out that we were actually a decent band and were pumped to get the show on the road . " But Midori you are so flawless and I just have to stroke your ego every chance I get . " Came Parley 's mocking voice from the doorway . We all turned our heads in her direction . " Let 's not forget there are three other guys that make up the band . " She gave a smug look toward Milly and looked down at her nails . Midori pulled Me away from the rest of the group and spun me around to face him . " Parley Marie Slughorn your attitude has gotten out of control . You have no right to be jealous of Milly . No right at all . " Please you can 't fool me . You may be able to fool your family , the kids at school and even yourself , but you can 't fool me . I know you better then you know yourself and it is eating you up that Milly is showing me attention . " I looked at him defiantly and even gave him a smile , " You 're crazy . I just don 't like her . She is fake and stupid . There 's no crime in that . " Midori grabbed my arms and pulled forward to ensure that I look at him when he said his next words . " Parley , you made the rules now you have to live by them . You pushed me away and told me you didn 't want anything to do with me despite all my attempts and attention . Milly and I aren 't together , but I have every right to move on , and if I choose to move on with Milly you have nothing to say about that . " His words were like daggers to my heart . Tears stung my eyes but I fought them back . Pulling out of his grasp I stood there starring at him . I couldn 't believe what I had just done , but I couldn 't let him know I was sorry either . If I did that it would just show him that he is right and he isn 't right . He couldn 't be . Rubbing his cheek he looked up at me . " Real mature Parley . " He voice wasn 't full of anger or disgust , but sadness and longing . I couldn 't handle this I couldn 't handle any of it so I turned on my heel and fled . " Did she just slap him ? " Milly 's voice was full of concern , we hadn 't been watching the arguing pair , but when we heard the noise we all looked up . Milly started to walking toward them as Parley fled the room . Midori turned toward us and we could see that his already red cheek was even redder . Milly lunged at him wrapping her arms around his neck . " Oh my Sims she did slap you . Are you okay ? " I took in a deep breath . Parley had been out of control these past few years , but hitting someone , hitting my best friend she had pushed the limits too far . " I have to go talk to her . " " No , don 't worry about it dude . We talked , she had no other recourse . Just let it be . " Gently pushing Milly away from him he grabbed his mic . " Let 's practice the opening song one more time . " Weeks went by and our bad was becoming very popular . People around town started to recognize us and a few even asked for our autographs . Marques , Abram and I were eating up the attention but Midori was just along for the ride reminding me all the time he wasn 't doing this for more than being a friend to me and a few extra bucks . The end of July arrived and Milly presented us with a gig . She told us her sister was getting married at the end of August and wanted to book our band , but was having doubts because there was no girl in the band . Her fiancée and her song was At Last by Etta James and she couldn 't have anyone but a woman sing that song . Milly had convinced her if The Southern Llamas could find a girl then she would hire us . Thank you so much to Logan from Logans Lotz of Lots for making the beautiful Fantrain farm . It is a home that the Slughorn 's will always find their way back to even if they move away for a bigger life . and finally Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Time moved on for the Slughorn 's . Kids went to school , participated in sports , school activities , dances and hung out with their friends . Time had been great for the Slughorn kids . Pax was doing well in school and surprisingly he managed dating two girls very well . Percy and Margo still enjoying each other companies and their relationship was strong . Porter saw his girls every weekend and he was on cloud nine , but he still couldn 't get Firefly to let him back into her life , but every moment that passed she seemed to relent and relax on a new issue . Pello and Parley were thick as thieves and were very popular in school . Although time had been great for the kids it wasn 't so kind on Kyle and Octavia . After that fateful Halloween night they started to grow apart . Sure they put on the charade and they said their " I love yous " when around friends and family which usually was followed by the cute little peck or quick hug , but many nights Octavia fell asleep alone , Kyle telling her he was busy with something or another , and many mornings she walked down the stairs to see Kyle folding up the couch blanket before the kids came barreling down . Octavia wasn 't sure why the void was there and why it was growing . She loved Kyle sure , but a big part of her didn 't miss him when he was absent in her bed or when she woke in the morning . She felt guilty for her thoughts and feelings , but she chalked it up as this is how long time married couples acted , and she was justified , in her mind , when she remembered coming down the stairs as a child and seeing her dad sleeping on the couch . Pax had received a scholarship for football at the local Riverview College and his dad , Danger , had agreed to rent and pay for a house for him to live in . The house that the two picked out was big enough for both Bluebell and Jade to move in with him . Octavia wasn 't fond of that part of Pax 's plan , but she didn 't know how she could get him to rethink it . After walking out of the school auditorium Octavia realized she left the program on her seat and she wanted to put that in Pax 's scrapbook . She told her family to wait for her and went back inside . Standing by the seat she had been sitting in , holding her program , was Danger . A scowl spread on her face and she walked to him snatching it from his hand . " What do you want ? " She growled . " I don 't think that is a good idea . You can just call me . " Her mouth said one thing but her hand snapped forward and grabbed the paper from his hand . " So you have an issue with me renting a house for Pax ? " Danger starts and poured himself a glass of champagne . He tilted it toward her and she shook her head no . " Oh that is great parenting skills Danger . I seem to recall you having a similar caviler attitude with Porter and look at where he is at . He barley is getting by in school because he has to work to help raise two daughters that he had with a much older woman out of wedlock . You really think that having this attitude with Pax is going to turn out well ? " Danger laughed and took a long drink from his flute . " Yeah I screwed up with Porter , but Pax is a whole different ballgame . You hold on too tight Octavia and you will lose your boy . " Before she knew it Danger had her against the motel wall and his lips found her exposed neck . Not having this kind of affection for so long mixed with her attraction to Danger led her to snaking her arms around his neck and pulled him closer . His lips find hers and she moans into his . He slid his hand up her thigh and under her skirt . His hand found the flimsy material of her panties and he tugged and that is when Octavia pushed him away . A burst of energy coursed through her and she pushed him off her . Buttoning her shirt she stands up . " I can 't do this . It isn 't right . " But the following Thursday Octavia found herself standing in front of the sleazy motel looking at the numbers on the door , 69 . How appropriate for her visit there . She had told Kyle and the kids that she had joined a woman 's bowling league and that every Thursday she would be going out after dinner and coming home late . Seeing him laying on the bed in just his boxers she tried to turn around and leave , but his reflexes were fast and he grabbed her and once again threw her on the bed . " I 'm not letting you get away this time Octavia . I need you . " For six days a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mother of five and wife to Kyle Slughorn , the nicest and most sought out man in town . Everyone who knew her envied her and wanted to be in her shoes , if only they knew she was living a lie . Then one night a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mistress to Danger Zone . It was the one night a week she felt herself and happy . As she drove home , slowly , she saw there was a physic reading taking place at the park . She decided to go and check it out . She needed time to figure out why to say to Kyle anyway . " Child . " She said in her heavy Cajun accent , " He isn 't going to leave you . He loves his wife , but he craves for more then what he is allowed . " How did this woman know ? Octavia was taken back with the fact that this woman knew about her affair . She hadn 't really believed in this stuff . She just sat there and stared there starring at the woman . At that moment two things happened to Octavia . First she got angry with Madame Currie and her mumbo jumbo and threw the doll back at her . Next she turned on her heel and ran toward her car . She knew that her life was with Kyle and she had to get home and tell him the truth and tell him that she loved him and only him . Danger was just something she couldn 't have and that made her want him as if she were a child . She just prayed that he could forgive her and they could restart their life together . 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It has been SO long since I 've been on here . We 've been so busy . Hopefully with the new year , I can get back in the habit ! Today Ben was sitting on the potty and the TV was on in the living room . Jeopardy game on and they were giving everyone 's name and occupation . One of the contestants is a " tutor . " Ben looked at me and laughed and said , " Mom , that guy said ' tooter . ' " He thought he meant a person who " toots " a lot . He laughed and laughed . When he was done , we walked into the living room and I said , " Ben , tell Daddy what they said on TV . " Ben : " That guy 's a poop guy . " Jer : " What ? " Ben : " Mom , what was that guy ? " Me : " A tutor . " Ben ( giggling ) : " Dad , that guy 's a tooter . " Wow ! I was doing so well for such a long time . Sorry " fans " that I have been slacking . Anyway , Ben is going through some regression phase . He 's crying about EVERYTHING and all of a sudden can 't go to the bathroom by himself . I was sitting with him today while he was sitting and peeing on my toilet . He had to go bad and was aiming very carefully . This caused him to bend over slightly . While he was " watching " ( I 'm assuming , I don 't know what boys do ) , he drooled into the potty . He watched for a second . Then I saw him " adjust " a little bit . He looked up at me and said , " Mom , I just peed on my slobber . " I knew he was aiming . Then , he hopped off the potty and said , " I need to go tell , Dad ! " And he did ! One of our favorite movies these days is The Little Mermaid . It was one of Jeremy 's favorites , so he got it for Christmas a few years ago . Benjamin and Hadley got a Dora Kitchen from some friends of ours . With it came some plastic forks . Benjamin came over to me and said , " Mom , can I dingle hop your hair ? " We spent a few minutes brushing our hair with small plastic forks ! So , Ben goes in spurts where he likes to lick my face instead of kiss me . While we were getting ready for bed , I asked him for a kiss . He walked over and kissed me . The lights were out in his room , so I couldn 't see his face , but it was abnormally slimy . He smiled really big and said , " That was a kiss and a lick ! " We laughed at him , and I said , " Can I have a nice kiss on the cheek ? " He came over and licked me again . So , I grabbed him and licked his cheek . He stood up , wiped off his face , and said , " I 'm a boy . People don 't lick boys . That 's really gross ! " We went to Kraynaks today with my brother and sister - in - law , niece , mom , and the kids . We had a great time ! While there I hurt my finger in a tragic cart accident . I don 't know what I did , but it involved a pop and now it 's swollen and bruised . I was telling Jeremy about it on the way home . Ben heard us talking and asked what happened . Ben : " Mom , did your finger hurt ? Did it pop ? Is it bruised ? Do you want me to pray for it when we get home ? " Me : " Yes , my finger hurts . Yes , it popped . Yes , it 's bruised . Of course , I want you to pray for it when we get home ! " When we sat down for prayers tonight , I asked him if he would pray for it . He said , " Thank you God , for making Mommy 's finger all better . " Then , he looked at me and said , " Can you pray for my kids ? " ( Because Jeremy and I are both teachers , we always say we have to go to school to work with our kids . Benjamin now has " kids " and a " teacher " of his own . ) Me : " Of course , I can pray for your kids what 's wrong ? " Ben : " All of their fingers popped ! " We prayed for his kids fingers to get better ! There was a HUGE battle this afternoon for a nap . Benjamin was NOT having it . We did everything , but most things ended in screaming and NOTHING resulted in sleep . At one point I took him into my bed and laid down next to him , hoping that he would give in . Instead , he laid with his eyes open staring at the wall , window , ceiling , etc . I said , " Benjamin , close your eyes . " He moved his eyeballs so that he was looking down and said , " They are closed . " Me : " No , you 're just looking down . " Ben : " No , I 'm not . I closed my eyes . " Me : " This is how you close your eyes . " ( I manually shut his eyes for him . ) Ben : " No it 's not . " Me ( again ) : " This is how you close your eyes " ( I shut my eyes . ) Ben ( squinting ) : " Like this ? " Me ( giving up ) : " Yes . GO to sleep ! " There aren 't many times when Benjamin and I say things that are very similar . He 's so much like his dad ! However , he changed that today . I don 't know about anyone else , but anytime my brother and I competed as kids I always ended up quitting . I figured I couldn 't lose if I wasn 't playing . That strategy still works for me today . When Jeremy starts winning ( or starts off winning ) , I quit so he can 't win . He counts it as a win , but I reply " oooooh you beat me and I wasn 't even playing . " I always take the mature route ! Ben has taken a similar route - all though a little more mature . Every night , Ben and Jeremy race to the sink for Ben to brush his teeth . They start in any number of places and Ben says , " Ready , set ( he starts to run ) , go ! " Tonight , he didn 't race . He rode on Jeremy 's back . When they got to the sink , Jeremy declared victory . Ben replied , " You can win tonight . I wasn 't racing . " As I type this , Jeremy and I have continued the argument . While I clarified Ben 's quote , Jeremy said , " He 's like you . He lets me win because he doesn 't want to play . " Me : " I don 't let you win . You can 't beat someone who isn 't playing . " Jer : You know who says that ? Losers ! " Benjamin has been telling us now that he is three , he 's bigger . He actually told me that he felt taller when he woke up the day of his birthday ! Today he went to the doctor for his 3 year check up . Dr . Guru had him jump on one foot , walk on his heels , and do some other things . Now , he 's officially BIG . He 's helped pick up today - he did boss his sister , which caused a few arguments ! He does a lot now that he 's BIG . As we were getting ready for bed , we were putting stickers on his door . Background : In an attempt to establish a routine , Jeremy and I decided to give Ben stickers every night on a chart . He gets stickers for picking up toys , brushing teeth , reading , sleeping in his own bed , and not getting time outs . The chart was a great idea , but he didn 't get that the stickers went in the neat columns that I made under the cute pictures . He filled the page with stickers , and then his door . Now , he has a beautifully stained door covered with Clifford , smile faces , jackolanterns , Spiderman , you name it . Anyway , he put his stickers on his door , and turned to turn out his light . I 'm pretty sure yesterday he couldn 't reach that light ! I said , " Ben , thank you for turning that out . " His reply : " I 'm big now , Mom . " Not sure I can handle having a " preschool aged " child ! Ben : Thank you God for my family . Thank you for my friends . Thank you for Grammy . Thank you for Aunt Ra . Thank you for my fishies to be gone . Dad , are my fishies gonna be gone ? Jer : Yeah , I think they are gonna die . Ben : Then we get new fishies ? Jer : Yeah , we 'll get new fishies soon . Ben : Thank you God for my family . Thank you for God . Thank you for Jesus . Thank you for my fishies to be gone , so I can get new fishies . Daddy , can I get new fishies ? Jer : Ben , are you done praying ? Ben : Yes . Amen . I 've been trying to discipline myself to stay off facebook and my computer . Because of that I 've been trying to not bring my computer into my bedroom when I 'm going to bed , so if I don 't blog before that I forget . I 've gotten out of the habit of writing things down . So many things have happened . Ben had his birthday . We bought Ben fish . Ben 's fish are slowly dying off ! Really exciting stuff ! So , life has been exciting in the Burnett house . As things get crazy I 'll do my best to keep up with the funny stories . Here are a few . My mom and I made plans for her to come over for dinner tomorrow . She 's home alone on Thursday nights and Jeremy has conferences tomorrow until late . However , she forgot that she 'd already made plans to go somewhere later that evening . She came running up to me at church with an almost panicked look that freaked me out . She grabbed my hand , opened it up , and hit herself in the head with it . Then she told me she 'd double booked herself . I told her it wasn 't a big deal and that she freaked me out more than anything because I thought something was wrong . I told Jeremy that story in the car on the way home . Ben heard and asked question , but I just told him Grammy was silly . While we were saying prayers , he said , " Is Grammy 's head okay ? " Me : " Yeah , Grammy 's head is fine . " Ben : " Did you just like shake it or something ? " ( now Jeremy and I realize what he 's talking about ! ) Me : " No , she came to me and went like this " ( I put my hand in his hand and hit him in the head . ) Ben : " Why she do that ? " Me : " Grammy 's crazy ! " A Ben story as told to me by Jeremy ( What Jeremy said was actually funnier than what happened ) Jeremy came out of the bathroom and told me this : So , Ben was reading my book while he was sitting on the pot yesterday . ( When Ben has to poop he likes to have reading material . Usually he " reads " whatever Jer reads while Jer poops ! ) Then he used my bookmark to wipe his butt ! I gave him a funny look . Jeremy continued : Yes , my bookmark was a piece of toilet paper , but that 's besides the point ! I was changing Hadley 's diaper this evening and she 'd pooped A LOT . Ben asked where her butt was . I made a general sweeping motion with my hand and said , " Right there . " Ben : Why ? Me : Because God put it there . Ben : Does God live in her butt ? Me : No , God doesn 't live in her butt . Ben : Does God live in my butt ? Me ( attempting a theological conversation with an almost 3 year old ( in less than 24 hours : ( ) : Well , God doesn 't live in your butt . He lives in your heart after you ask him to be your savior . Ben : Oh . How that didn 't end with more questions , I don 't know . I think God knew I didn 't really know what to say yet ! He did relay the story to my cousin Alley - and if you 've never heard Ben tell a story you are missing out . Ben : I say ' Is God in my butt ? ' Mommy say , ( in a really funny voice imitating me ) ' No , God 's not in your butt . Alley : Where is God ? Ben ( with a slight duh in his voice ) : In your heart ! This is another blog that is not for the faint of heart . My sister was over tonight and she was helping me get the kids ready for bed . Benjamin has a few pairs of underpants , also known as unders , that are getting a little small . Cara was trying to pull them up over his butt and accidentally snapped him - in the " front . " He cried a little , looked at me and said , " Mom , Aunt Ra hurt my dinger . " I said , " You 're okay , babe . Your unders snapped you . " Ben : " Why ? " Mom : " You 're growing . Your dinger is getting bigger . " Ben ( to Jer with underwear fully covering ALL body parts ) : " Dad , my dinger 's getting bigger . Look . " Jer : Gives Ben the " Jer look " Jeremy brought Ben home a book that he thought would be good to read before bed . Our usual bed time routine involves reading a book and then reading something from the Bible . Jeremy got a book from another teacher about a little boy named Ben who is getting ready for bed . Ben didn 't want to go to bed alone , but he didn 't want any of the toys his mom offered him . This book was extremely true to our daily routine . Jeremy didn 't actually read the entire book , he just saw that it was about Ben and brought it home . We sat down to read it together tonight . Benjamin was captivated as Jeremy read about Ben in the book not wanting his dog , or his bunny , or anything . What Ben really wants to sleep with is . . . a scary looking stuffed monster complete with a pointed spikey tail and crazy teeth . Ben 's reasoning for this is that it will scare all of the monsters and ghosts away and keep him safe . Benjamin asked a number of questions about the monsters picture : " Why 's his tail like that ? " " Why are his teeth like that ? " " What 's he doing ? " We played it off as just a crazy teady bear and he fell asleep without asking any other questions . Although , I have laid all blame on Jeremy for bringing home the scary book that says Monsters will keep you safe ( after we 've had lots of conversations about Jesus keeping you safe ) and he will be fielding any questions that come from it ! Bonus Benism : Ben and Jeremy were looking at the stars after church tonight . Jer : Ben do you know who made those stars ? Ben : Yeah . Jer : Who made them ? Ben : God made the stars . Jer : Did you know God knows all of their names ? Ben : Yeah . Jer : You do ? What are their names ? Ben : They 're stars . After dinner this evening , Jeremy and I were trying to get things cleaned up . Jeremy was packing up left overs and I was trying to get somethings cleaned up so that I could get Hadley out of her high chair . She started to fuss and wiggle to get out . I asked Ben to talk to her and keep her company . He sat in my chair and pulled the high chair close . He talked to her and asked her questions , and tried to show her her ears - Jeremy told Ben that we need to teach Hadley where her ears and nose are ( Hadley did find her ears at dinner with a handful of cottage cheese ) . It was a sweet moment . He is a great brother ! So the last few days have been so ridiculously crazy ! Ben doesn 't know what to do ! He keeps asking where we are going to day or what we are doing . We went to see my sister at Malone on Saturday . On the way home my mom tried to entertain him by telling him the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears . That resulted in some of the following questions : Mom : There were three bowls of porridge on the table . Do you know what porridge is Ben ? Ben : Yeah . Mom : What 's porridge ? Ben : What 's porridge ? Mom : You tell me . Ben : You tell me . Mom : Porridge is a fancy word for soup . Ben : Why did they have porridge ? Why was the porridge too hot ? Why did Goldilocks eat the porridge ? Why did Goldilocks go in the house ? What did Papa Bear say ? Why did the chair break ? What did Papa Bear do with the chair ? Why did Baby Bear cry ? What 's porridge ? I haven 't been on in 3 days ! It 's sad to say , but two of those days I wasn 't with Ben or Hadley long enough to get a funny story ! Last night was a long night . We took the kids back to Bloomfield to watch me play in the student staff charity volleyball game - which the staff won , by the way ! Afterwards ( and now 12 hours later ) I could hardly move . I 'm so sore . I helped get the kids in bed and laid down with a rice bag . Jeremy and I started watching M * A * S * H , when we heard little footsteps coming across the living room . Ben walked up to Jer and said , " Look what 's on my finger . " Jeremy : " Is that a booger ? " Ben ( obviously trying to think on his feet ) : " It 's a . . . It 's a . . . . a . . . It 's a mushroom I think . " Jeremy : " Did it come from your nose ? " Ben : " Yes . " Jeremy : " Theeen it 's a booger . " I know Jeremy has more to add to that , so make sure you read the comments . When he gets up I 'll add more ! I have written a number of times about bedtime . While it has been getting better , there are times that this is the most stressful time of the day . There is almost always crying from one room or the other , and occasionally screaming . There are potty breaks . There are requests for water . There are a lot of things going on ! Although it hasn 't happened for a while , sometimes Ben will sneak into Hadley 's room and play with her if she 's awake , or wake her up sneaking around . Hadley had been crying for a while when Ben came out to use the potty . Jeremy sent him back to bed because he went twice before bed . I heard giggling . This was the first clue that something was wrong . Bed time NEVER induces giggling ! Then I heard two separate giggles ! Jeremy went to check on who was giggling and their location . As he left our bedroom , Ben came out of Hadley 's room with his finger in the air . He walked up to Jeremy , showed him his finger , and said " Hadley just bited my finger . " He said it with such conviction - as if she was going to get in trouble for biting . Jeremy put Ben to bed after a strong conversation about not being in his sister 's room . Then he stopped at Hadley 's door , told her to sleep and quit biting her brother ! My brother - in - law Andrew got a deer this evening . He stopped by to show us the deer and pick up the dinner I owed him for watching my kids on Friday . To his credit , he didn 't ask for the dinner , I offered it because he saved us ! Ben asked a TON of questions about the deer . Why did Andrew shoot that deer ? What 's Andrew gonna do with that deer ? Why did he shoot it ? Why did Andrew shoot that big deer ? Are you sensing a theme ! I told him Andrew likes to hunt . The reply : Why did Andrew hunt that big deer ? I really wasn 't winning . So I told him , " Andrew 's gonna go home and cut that deer up and put it in the freezer . Then , he 's going to eat it later . " For whatever reason , that satisfied his curiosity . A little while later , I was on the phone with my dad . Ben wanted to tell him thank you for the Halloween candy and quarters - My dad 's signature is giving out rolls of change for special events . It 's the greatest thing . In this case , he gave Ben a roll of dimes , but to him it 's all quarters . Ben said , " Thank you for the candy . " That was followed by something that neither of us understood . Then , the following advice came from Ben ( out of the mouths of babes ) : " Andrew shot a big deer . You need to shoot a big deer . He 's going to cut it up and put it in the freezer . Then he 's gonna eat it later . " For those of you who know my dad , he did NOT need the advice from an almost 3 year old . Although he did find the humor in it . I am sure that I hinted a touch of disappointment that Andrew got a big deer on some property that is close to one of Dad 's hunting grounds . . . He may be headed out soon ! Jeremy picked the name for this blog in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving season ! I have a multitude of stories today . We could call them " Benism 's . " Ben and Jer carved a pumpkin this afternoon . Ben wanted it to have 6 teeth and 3 stars . He ended up with a pumpkin that has 3 teeth and 2 stars ( one for each ear ) . Ben had a great time , until he decided it would be more fun to eat cheese . I think when Jer finished I heard something like , " Hey , Mom , do you see the pumpkin I made ? " Jeremy and Ben went downstairs to stack wood that Jeremy had thrown down . Ben had a great time working with Daddy . At one point he looked at Jer and said , " Daddy , you 're the best one I see . " We aren 't sure what he was comparing that to , but Jer won the contest ! While they were working , Ben was on one side of the pile and Jeremy was on the other side . He was trying to get Ben to come to his side so he could show him what to do . Jeremy bent down to pick up a log and felt a sharp pain on the side of his head from the stick Ben threw him over the pile . Benjamin felt really bad and told Jer over and over that he was sorry ( probably because he was afraid of a time out ) . When they came upstairs , Jeremy kept saying that his head felt funny . Being the medical expert that I am ( I 'm sure that 's proven in previous posts ) , I decided to shine a flashlight in his eyes to see if his pupils were funny . That 's what they do on TV . I figured I might be able to diagnose a concussion . I 'm pretty sure he 's okay ! Benjamin wanted to aid in the medical care . He took the flashlight , put it about 2 centimeters from Jer 's " gash , " and with an EXTREMELY concerned look said , " awwwww , I 'm really sorry Jer ! " He continued to look at the cut for sometime which made both of us nervous because , by the look in Ben 's eye , I 'm pretty sure he wanted to put the flashlight ON the cut ! Benjamin also proved an uncanny likeness to his mother this evening . We were sitting together watching the end of a football game when he yelled , " Get a homerun ! " When that didn 't work , I 'm pretty sure I heaPosted by Benjamin has often been referred to as the " Master of Distraction . " When bed time comes his ability to distract kicks in to FULL gear and he pulls out all of the stops . Usually it 's a strategically timed bathroom break and he knows that it takes longer to poop than it does to pee , so that is usually the desired " break " that he needs . Jeremy will occasionally call his bluff and Ben will go to sleep . I often chicken out at the risk of having a midnight mess to clean up . Tonight was no different . We were getting ready to pray and he announced that he had to go potty . Jeremy had him sit and pray first - probably because he was sitting on my lap , not Jer 's . We prayed , and Ben headed out to go potty . A few seconds later he yelled for help because he couldn 't get his jams off - yes , he has to be completely naked from the waist down to do any pottying and feety pajamas make that difficult ! So , I helped him get his pajamas off and went to clean some dishes while I waited for him to poop . I went back to check on him and his entire left leg was green - from hip to toe . He 'd reached into the bathtub , grabbed one of his few remaining bathtub crayons and colored himself ! Not only that , he didn 't even poop ! He 'd only peed ! The bathtub crayons are a story themselves . When we were redoing the bathroom in our bedroom , Jeremy and I had to use Ben 's bathroom to take showers . We used to write nice " Good Morning , I love you " notes on the bathroom walls . Ben liked the tradition and has continued it LONG after we have moved back to our own bathroom . He has recently taken to coloring the potty while he 's pooping . Back to the green crayon . I washed off his leg , told him that there would be no more potty coloring and handed him to Jer to dress . I grabbed a rag and while I was wiping the green ( and orange from a previous poop session ) crayon off of the seat , something caught my eye . There were green crayon markings IN the toilet - like in the water , in the bowl - IN the toilet . So not only had he decorated his leg , he 'd also been coloring in tPosted by My kids have a nature uncanny to their father . They LOVE to pick on me . Benjamin is always pulling some trick - especially when he 's been prompted . Hadley is joining in . She runs ( as much running as she can ) to me , climbs in my lap and tries to bite my face ! It doesn 't matter what I do to stop her , she laughs and laughs and laughs . Tonight I was picking her up to put her to bed and she leaned into my face . I leaned back to get out of her way just as she was making a kissing noise ! She leaned in and kissed my face ! Noise and everything . Then she gave Jer and Ben a kiss ! She may be a little more like her dad than I thought ! We have been sitting and praying with Ben before bed for about a year now . We 've always prayed for him , but we 've been working on allowing him to pray for things . He prays for random things some times , but we try to listen to what he 's thinking and what he 's worried about as he prays . Lately he 's prayed a lot for his friends . It is the greatest thing knowing that he 's developing friendships and learning how to socialize ! Today , we sat in his room for a while and sang songs with him , so I got the idea to sing his prayers . I just started singing random lines and he 'd sing somethings with me . When I was finished , I said " Aaaaaaamen " ( with a great melodic tone , I might add ) . He looked at me , bowed his head , and really said a prayer ! It was so cute . He prayed for his friends Kai , Oulice ( Alice ) , RaeLynn , Kai again , Oulice again . Then he prayed that he would sleep all night ( Jeremy and I amen ' ed that part of the prayer ! ) . I 'm glad that he takes talking to God seriously - not that my song wasn 't serious . He prays for us occasionally if we are sick and then declares us well again . It 's so exciting to see him grow in his simple , child - like relationship with God ! Ben has decided he wants to build a snowman . Where he heard about snowmen , I have no idea . We had snowman decorations last year , but we never actually went outside to play in the snow . One year , after his first birthday , we went out in the snow . His snow pants and coat were so puffy and his boots were so big that he couldn 't walk . We spent 30 minutes getting bundled up , got him onto a sled , he cried , and we came inside ! Last year , Hadley was still little , so time outside was limited . How he heard about snowmen is a mystery . As it rained and rained this evening , he 'd say , " Mom when can we build a snowman ? The snow 's gonna come from way up to the sky . " I tried to explain it to him - I even reverted to science ( and if you follow this blog , you 'll know that reverting to science seems to backfire see Just a little dinner conversation ) . I tried to explain that it needed to be 32 degrees and it was 57 - that comment got a look from Jer . I showed him the weather alerts on my computer and showed him the rain and that no snow was coming . It still didn 't matter . I talked to my dad on the phone this afternoon . When Ben got the phone to talk to Papa , the first words out of his mouth were , " When it snows will you build a snowman ? " My dad responded with " It 's raining , do you want to build a rainman ? " Thank goodness that went over his head ! While I 'm glad he 's picking up on things and excited for winter , He 's going to be awfully disappointed when it snows for the first time and no snowmen come because it was just a flurry ! I can 't believe how my kids are getting so big ! Hadley is walking ALL over . She moves all across the room . Tonight , she walked over to Jeremy , jumped on him and tried to bite his face ! Benjamin is learning songs now . All of a sudden he can sing complete songs . I sat on the couch and listened to him sit in his room and sing to himself . Yes , he was supposed to be sleeping , but it was peaceful to have him sing " Jesus Loves Me . " Now , he 's sitting on his bed crying because I went in to cover him up and he tried to hit me when I took a blanket he wasn 't supposed to have . . . funny how things change ! There are times when Jeremy and I pretend to " fight " because it 's funny to see Ben 's reaction to what 's happening . Usually , one of us gets " in trouble " because of something and he yells at us . Last night before bed , we were picking on each other and if one of us " cried , " the other one got yelled at . We also argue over who Ben 's boy is . Usually , if I ask he 's " Daddy 's my boy . " A lot of times , he 's " Daddy 's my boy " and " Mommy 's my sunshine . " We aren 't his boy or sunshine , he just answers us the way we ask . Tonight , I was hiding under his covers when he came in to bed . He thought it was funny . Just before we started to pray , he jumped up and said he needed to potty and ran away . I got back under the blanket . Jeremy started picking on me . When Ben came in , I was laying on the floor , " crying " because " Daddy hurt me . " He hugged me , jumped up and punched Jeremy as hard as I have ever seen him hit anyone . He ran back , got right in my face ( slobber and all ) and said , " It 's okay , I punched on him . " Then , he looked at Jer and said , " Don 't hurt my Mom ! " I said , " Are you my protector ? Will you keep me safe ? " He looked and smiled and said , " Yup ! " I don 't care what Daddy says , that 's my boy right there ! We struggle almost nightly to keep Benjamin in his bed all night . Usually , by 2 : 00 he 's crawling into our bed . Many times it 's earlier than that . As often as I can , I try to get him back to his bed - or at least get Jeremy to get him back to his bed . When he does stay in his bed all night , he gets some of Jeremy 's special candy - candy corn ( which , even though I hate it , I may have to stock up on to last us a year ! ) . Last night , Ben stayed in his bed ALL night . It 's actually to the point that I check on him when I get up to make sure he 's okay . I don 't sleep well past 4 , if he 's not with us because I start to worry something is wrong ! We were on our way home from shopping this evening , and Jeremy and I were going head over heels about how proud of him we were for staying in his bed . Jeremy said , " You know , when you get home , you can have special candy . " I added , " And TOMORROW you can have more special candy if you sleep in your bed again ! " Ben smiled , really big , and with a sweet voice said , " No , I 'm gonna sleep in your bed tonight . " * * Bonus story * * Since I didn 't post last night because I was sick , I 'll add a little to tonight 's . We were having the boy / girl discussion again last night . This time , my mom and sister were over . He said , " I am a boy . Daddy and I are boys . " My sister , the instigator that she is , said , " What makes you a boy , Ben ? " I have to pause here for some background . Benjamin 's favorite Bible story is David and Goliath . He can recite most if it by heart . When he says , " Goiliath , " it 's always with a deep , growly big man voice . Back to last night . Cara says , " What makes you a boy ? " Ben 's response , " Goliath makes me a boy . " If this were a sitcom , the cameras would now pan to Jeremy , who says , " That 's what I 've heard , Ben . That 's what I 've heard . " Fade to black . I feel bad because I never blog about Hadley , but she 's so quiet and independent . I really can 't wait until she talks and starts telling stories like Ben . I know we 'll never get her to be quiet then . It amazes me how different my kids are . Ben was running before he was one ; Hadley is 13 months and walks only when SHE wants to . Ben started babbling before he was one - I remember telling everyone " Thank you " at his birthday party ; Hadley says " Stella " and a few other words when SHE wants too . Benjamin is at my side all of the time , playing , reading , wrestling ; Hadley plays by herself most of the time . She 'll join us when SHE wants to - noticing a pattern ! She wrestles with me sometimes . She likes to " knock me down . " She 's kind of a " picker " like that . If Jeremy 's laying on the ground , she 'll crawl over to him with her little butt shaking attitude crawl and climb up on him . . . BUT ( say it with me ) only when SHE wants to . But , then there are the moments in the morning , when I have to wake her up , get her out of bed , put on her coat and load her into the car seat . Those are the moments when my heart breaks , because in those wee morning hours , she holds her blankie , nuzzles in my chest , and occasionally ( when SHE wants to ) wraps her arms around my neck . Those are the only time she snuggles me . Those moments are what get me through the day ! All of a sudden , Ben is beginning to understand colors . He will correctly identify them , instead of everything being blue or green . While I was giving Hadley a bath tonight , he was standing on the potty and found some of her hair bows . He said , " Look , Mommy , a blue one and a green one . " He was right ! I was so excited , I said , " Go show Daddy ! " He did the same thing for Jeremy . He came back and found one of his bath crayons and asked me what color it was . " Orange , " I said . He ran out of the room . I heard him say , " Look , Jer , Orange . " For those of you who don 't know Ben well , he loves to call his daddy , Jer ( when he 's really angry , it 's JEREMY - with a hint of a growl ) Jeremy continued to sing his praises . When he came back to the bathroom , I had another hair bow for him . I said , " Go tell Daddy this is lavender . " He ran to the kitchen , " Jer , this is lavender . " I 'm not positive of Jeremy 's response , but Ben came back and said , " You 're a dork . " I gave him another bow and said , " Go tell Daddy this is fuchsia . " He ran to the kitchen , " Daddy , this is fucha . " I followed him this time , just to see what Jeremy 's reaction was . Jeremy said , " I don 't even know if that 's right . " Meaning , he was unsure what the color fuchsia was . Ben came running to me . " You 're not right ! " he yelled ! We have had a special speaker at church . If you are friends with my Momma , you know she has laryngitis and can 't talk . . . at all ! We were upstairs having " snacks " after the service and Ben took my mom for a walk . Then went " to find her voice . " Mom said that he walked her all over the church looking for it . When we were sitting down for prayer , Ben prayed for his sister and family and friends like he does . Then he started to say " Thank you God for finding , Grandmas ' boice . ' " He stopped praying , looked up at us and said , " Did somebody take her boice ? " We talked about it and tried to explain that she has a cold , but it 's getting better . Hopefully , The Little Mermaid hasn 't traumatized him ! Today 's blog is not for the faint of heart . Just FYI . . . I use some " words . " Ben has been asking a lot of questions about boys and girls in the last 4 or 5 months . He wants to know why we are " different . " Today , he informed Jeremy and I that he was a girl . He said , " Daddy , you are a boy . Mommy and Baby and I are girls . " Jeremy in his infinite wisdom decided to quench the argument with logic . He said , " Ben , boys have dingers ( that 's what we call " those parts . " ) Girls don 't . Do you have a dinger ? " Ben said , " Yes , I have a dinger right here . " He pointed to the appropriate area . Then he asked , " Mommy what do you have ? " I looked at Jeremy . I didn 't know what to tell him . SO , I in my infinite wisdom , decided to appeal to science . All the " books " say to tell kids the real name for things . My response : " Boys have a penis . Girls have a vagina . " I figured quoting the sex ed teacher from American Pie is always the best way to go when having " the talk . " Ben looked at me with the serious look that I 'm sure you 've come to love hearing about and said , " No , Mom , Boys have a dinger . Girls have a China . " So Jeremy ALWAYS tucks Ben in . For whatever reason , he 's cooler than I am and Ben always wants him to put his covers on . Since Jer is sick , I told Ben that I would tuck him in tonight . Now , Ben sleeps with a lot of stuffed animals . We had to make a rule that only 2 could go to bed with him because he never had room for all the animals and his little body . I let him take an extra animal tonight . He had his stuffed cow - about 3 feet long - against the wall . I put his alligator - about 3 feet long - above his pillow , and his monkey next to him . He was sitting in his bed and said , " There 's no seat for me . " I laughed out loud and said , " yeah there is . Lay right here . " He looked at me and said , " Could you go get Daddy ? " Epic fail ! Jer came to the rescue ! Jeremy isn 't feeling well today . He took a nap this afternoon , and I let him sleep even after both kids woke up . Benjamin really wanted him to come play . I told him no for a while , but then let him got wake him up . Jeremy needed a little more sleep , so we let him go . Ben asked and asked and asked for his dad , so finally , I let him get him again . Suffice it to say , Jeremy did NOT want to get up . I intervened and brought Ben back out to the living room . Jeremy came out and Ben hugged him and hugged him . " Are you okay , Daddy ? " he would say . Jeremy would just fold him in his arms and soak in his hugs . He brought him his blankets from his bed and curled in his lap . It was one of the sweetest moments they 've ever had . Bonus story : Ben had the hiccups . After he 'd hiccuped a number of times , he looked up and said , " Bazinga ! " That 's for all of my BBT fans ! So , I 'm going to try and explain this without making my husband sound like a creeper . You know that growly , purry noise that guys make at hot girls . . . well , it creeps me out . I seriously hate it , so my husband does it just because I throw such a big fit about it . Now Ben does it . That creeps me out even more ! We went to a wedding today ( a really cool wedding at that ) . On the way to the wedding , Ben said , " I don 't like weddings , I don 't want to go . " Even after we got there he kept telling me how much he hated them - I didn 't even know he knew what hate meant ! After we got home , we asked him about the wedding . He said " There were girls there , beautiful girls . I said rrrrrrrrrrrr to them . " Jeremy said , " You growled at them ? " Ben said , " No , rrrrrrrrrrrrr . " At this point , I realized what he was doing , so I yelled , " Jeremy , he 's making that noise ! " Aaaaaaaahhh ! First of all , I didn 't know that boys knew that girls were beautiful when they were so little . Second , I did not think that I would have to work on keeping my son from making the creeper growl at girls when he was this little either ! ! ! ! ! My father , the wonderful man that he is , inherited a Fisher - Price play house , which he then passed on to us . Jeremy set it up in the basement this afternoon so that Ben can play with it throughout the winter . Ben and Jeremy spent some time in it this evening . I went down to see what was going on - - I do have to admit , my presence was requested , I did not voluntarily venture downstairs because it was too cold and I was writing a paper ( mostly because it was cold ) . Jeremy was sitting on the floor and I stood behind him . I think I had my hands on his shoulders or head or something . Suddenly , a wasp dive bombs us out of nowhere - as fast as it could being that it 's cold in the basement and wasps don 't operate well in the cold . I saw it bombing out of the corner of my eye , screamed a little and jumped backward . I do have to give some background here . I have a fear of wasps . When I was little , a childhood friend told me that when a wasp stings you , it actually takes chunks of your skin off of your body . I think the conversation also involved wasps biting through WWII helmets or something . Either way , it was traumatic and because of it , I don 't like wasps . ANYWAY , back to the basement . The wasp comes , and I jump back . In my jumping , I inadvertently pushed Jeremy forward , an action I still do not remember . Jeremy jumped , I don 't know why , my reaction was totally legitimate , and flicked the wasp off of his shoulder , very possibly getting stung , but the jury is still out on that . After a dramatic wasp killing , I left because I was cold . Jeremy then proceeded to tell Benjamin that Mommy pushed him into the wasp and it bit him . He then used his cell phone to call me - remember , he was in the basement and I was 8 feet away in the kitchen - and put Ben on the phone . Ben proceeded to yell at me for pushing Daddy in front of the wasp . Fast forward to bed time . Jeremy brought it up again , which resulted in me getting yelled at again by my son . Benjamin looked at me seriously and said , " Next time I see a wasp , I 'm gonna push you into it Posted by Jeremy and Ben were playing basketball tonight . Ben does pretty well . He can get a " real " basketball into his Fisher Price hoop from a few feet away . Jeremy also does pretty well . He was sitting on the opposite side of the room and made a few shots in a row . Jeremy said , " Yeah ! I 'm on fire ! " Ben made a shot . He said , " Yeah , I 'm a six ! " After a while , Ben looked at Jer and said , " Jer , I 'm only on fire . " Benjamin and I went to watch the Bloomfield Cardinals play soccer at Badger . As we walked towards the stands , small rocks got stuck in his shoes . He said , " Mom , I got rocks in my shoes . It 's like ox to my ox . " Ox to my ox is how Ben refers to the book Rocks in my Socks . As we were leaving the school , we passed the playground . Ben asked if he could play with that . I told him when he went to school he could . I tried to explain that next year he could go to preschool and the year after that he could go to that school . He asked me , " When I go to school , can I drive ? " I told him someone else would drive him . He told me he would drive all of his friends to school someday . The latest bedtime issue . . . . He needs a space for his " remote " ( which is not real ) on his bed , and he needs to lay so that he can see his TV ( also . . . not real ) . It is a daily occurrence when we pick the kids up from the babysitters that Ben will ask , " What 's for dinner , Mom ? " I answer him and then he runs to Dor and says , " We 're having _______ for dinner . " Today was no different . While I was snuggling Hadley after a long day away and Jeremy was packing up their bag , Ben asked , " Hey , Mom , what 's for dinner ? " Instead of getting into a discussion about having Chicken Alfredo and Angel Hair Pasta , I simply said , " We 're having chicken . " Following normal routine , Ben looked at Dor who was standing right next to me and said , " We 're having chicken , Dor ! " By the time we were in the car , " We 're having chicken " evolved into " We 're having chicken chops . " Jeremy said , " Not chicken chops , chicken alfredo . " This actually sparked an argument as one might suppose . The boys argued all the way home over whether we were eating chicken chops or chicken alfredo . I counted my blessings that it was only a short ride ! When we got home , Jeremy spurned the argument as he often does when it comes to logical matters with Ben . They bantered back and forth for a while . Jeremy looked at Ben and said , " I 'm going to chicken chop you . " Ben looked at him in all seriousness and said , " That would be bery ( yes , he said ' bery ' that 's not a typo ) gross ! " That was the end of the argument . I was so exhausted today . Last week was crazy and then I went on Fall Retreat and came home even more tired . Church was fantastic today ! We are so honored to serve at Rock of Grace . We were so overwhelmed with blessings from God and from everyone there . I came home and laid down as soon as the kids were asleep . I woke up to get work done , checked my facebook and fantasy football teams and laid back down . I heard Ben get up and planned to get up . I had to use the bathroom and heard Ben come into our bedroom looking for me . I yelled for him . He said , " I thought you were sleeping . I came to check on you . " I said , " I had to go potty . " " Take a nap , " Ben replied . I wasn 't going to argue . As I was lying down , he said , " Do you want me to shut the door ? " As he shut the door , he told me he loved me and I relaxed . I actually wanted to read a book . I read for a few minutes and then heard him at the door . I put the book down and closed my eyes . He just peaked in and went back out . . . . just checking on me . He 's so sweet ! I actually fell back asleep ! So , I went on a women 's retreat overnight last night . It 's the first time that I have left everyone and gone off by myself since before Hadley was born . Great trip ! It was so good to come homethough ! While I was gone , Jeremy took the kids to visit with my in - laws . Trips to " Grandma Papa 's " are always filled with golf cart rides . The golf cart has been a great enjoyment for a long time now ( It was originally bought by all of the " kids " for Grandpa Burnett ) . Ben 's excitement now lies in going on trips to the " new water " with Grandma and Papa . The " new water " is a pond that has " grown " where beavers have built a dam . Since he 's been going on trips there , he 's seen all kinds of animals and things . Recently , the beavers have chewed down a tree . I don 't know if " chewed down " is the technical term , but we 'll go with that . As Jeremy was tucking him in - I 'm not allowed to tuck him in anymore - they called me back in the room , so that Ben could tell me some stories . One involved a guy burning his " neck down " ( really he burnt his deck down ) . Another involved climbing on " the rocks and soil . " I have NO idea where Ben ever heard the word soil , but apparently he plays in that now instead of dirt . Then , he started to tell me about the beavers : " The beavers go , like to the store , and get their lunch and then they bring it home and put it in the frigerator . Theeeen , they go to the tree and get the sticks and eat them . " My father - in - law was trying to explain hibernation to Ben and that the beavers were saving their food . He compared it to when we go to the grocery store and come home and put our food in the fridge for later . . . Ben took that to mean the animals actually have refrigerators and keep their food in them . It was a great attempt at an analogy . . . however , it was lost on Ben ! Ben has gas - really bad gas . He 's not old enough to control it - not that the " big boys " control it either . Tonight my sister came home for a few hours , so everyone came to our house to hang out for a little bit . Ben kept " tooting . " He tooted on the football that we were all playing catch with , so my dad told him that the ball was stinky now . As everyone was saying good bye , he plopped down and tooted on my dad 's foot . Dad said , " Ben , you just made my foot stink . Wipe that off . " Ben bent down and pointed to wear the stink " was " and asked if it was right there . Jeremy said , " Go wipe that off Papa 's foot and rub it on Aunt Ra . " Ben bent down again , wiped off my dad 's foot , ran over to my sister and rubbed it on her foot . I love that he thinks that worked ! I 've started to look for things to blog about now . When Ben or Hadley do things , I wonder how to write it down and make a story out of it . I also wonder how to make it entertaining ! The pressure is on now , since people tell me they look everyday - even my dad ! While it might not always be the side splitting humor that you are used to hearing from the Burnett house , I 'm starting to learn the importance of writing what I learn as well as what I don 't want to forget . Tonight , Ben called me back into his room to tuck him in . This is an every day occurrence that happens multiple times . Usually one of us is ready to pull out hair - either ours , Ben 's , or each other 's . Many times he has to change positions , go potty , fix his sock . You name it , we have to make sure it 's correct so that sleep can occur . I walked in tonight and he was sitting up against his wall . His baby wasn 't wrapped up right . So , I fixed baby . I told him to lay down and he said , " My dad said I could sit like this . " So , knowing Jeremy probably gave up the fight to sleep in the horizontal position , I said , " Whatever , Ben , just go to sleep . " I covered him up and gave him his bear . ( Yes , tonight there 's a baby , a bear , and a 3 foot tall Elmo - who probably loves him ! ) He covered his bear up and said , " My bear is sad . " So I kissed both the bear and Ben , said " I love you " and walked out . As I was turning the corner , I heard him say to his bear " What 's the matter ? " I know it 's a bear , and I know it 's probably a ploy to get out of sleeping ; but there is something comforting knowing that he 'll sleep sitting up for his stuffed bear 's pretend problems . He 's gonna be a good kid ! One of Ben 's favorite stories now is Elmo Loves You . It goes through all kinds of things that people love . We read through it almost everyday . I try to change the words and make sure he knows that Mommy and Daddy love him too . He told us today that he loves his mom and his dad . Then he said , " And I love God and I love Jesus . " We were so excited . We were telling him how good that was and that Mommy and Daddy love God and Jesus too . He got serious and said , " And Elmo loves me . " I spend a lot of time talking about Ben ; probably because he has conversations with us and is hilarious ! But Hadley is growing too ! SO fast . Jeremy took her for her 1 year check up today - yes , it is two weeks late . She 's 24 pounds 2 ounces and 31 1 / 4 inches . Her height is off the charts . When she was born , she was covered in hair . . . her little forehead was so hairy . I told Jeremy , if she 's going to look like my dad , I really hope it 's not because she 's covered in hair ! Hopefully , since all that fell out , she 's just getting my dad 's height ! She walked from the refrigerator to the living room today . The problem is she only walks when she wants to and it 's usually not when we are looking or want to . I thinks she gets that attitude from my dad too ! Don 't tell him I told you that ! She likes to play catch with Ben . He whips the football at her face . We catch it . She giggles and laughs and then pushes it back to him . I 'm sure it won 't be long before I have to post one story for each of them every night because of the funny things she 's saying ! So , Ben is learning about Noah in the nursery . He 's read the story over and over at home , so I was pretty confident he knew what happened . Today I asked what he learned in the nursery . We talked basic ark knowledge . Then he told me about the dove . Apparently , while Noah was trying to get fish on the ark , a dove told him , " NOAH , fish don 't go on the ark . " I asked him to retell the story to Jeremy when he got home . He told Jer , ( mind you this is an abbreviated version because I don 't remember his exact words ) " The dolphin bit Noah , so the fish bit the dolphin . Theeen God came and got the fish not to bite . " Jeremy repeated the story back to and Ben said , " Yeah , God told them not to bite . " Obviously he 's learning more in the nursery than any of us know ! ! ! Jeremy needs a new hat for winter . For the last who knows how many years , he 's wanted one of those lumberjack hats that has the floppy ears and fur or fluff or whatever sticking out around the edge . I 've finally caved and let him get one . The s - t - u - p - i - d ( we aren 't allowed to say that word in our house , so we spell it ) thing was $ 10 . Jeremy , of course , thought it was a bargain ! Even though it says Guinness on the side ( we still aren 't sure if that 's the beer or just the hat ) , he fell in love with it . AND so did his son ! While I wondered through the women 's clothes looking for a last minute deal , Jeremy and Ben dashed back to the little boys hats to see if they could find Ben a matching hat that fit his head . And they did ! Ben wore his new hat all the way to the check out line where he announced that , really , he liked Daddy 's hat and " Jer could get a new one . " We 'll see who 's wearing what hat when winter comes . Jeremy has said that we may be buying ben an s - t - u - p - i - d $ 10 hat just so they can have the exact same hat ! It is cute to see them dress like " twins . " It could get interesting when the need matching boots and snow pants too ! Ben won 't fit in Jer 's pants ! Some of you have heard the " imaginary " friend story . Benjamin has been telling my mom , my sister , and Jeremy and I about his friend Susan Biddle . She goes to school with him , so he says . We have asked EVERYONE who comes in contact with him if they know a Susan or a Biddle or any combination there of . No one has any idea who she is . I didn 't know Ben even knew anyone named Susan . This morning we were watching Reading Rainbow . Just as the " narrator " was getting ready to read Martha Speaks , she announced the authors name . . . dun da da daaaaaa . . . Susan Meddaugh , which sounds an awful lot like Susan Biddle - Even Jer thought that 's what they said . Everyone can sleep soundly now that we know the answer ! I took Ben with me to watch the Lady Cardinals play the Lady Braves in a volleyball game tonight . He wasn 't too impressed with the buzzer , but as the night wore on he started to become a volleyball fan . On the way home he asked me why " those were my kids . " I explained to him that I was a teacher and when I go to school in the morning I help those kids learn . He asked what they learned and I told him that I teach them how to read , read stories , and help them to write . He pondered that for a while . He then began to excitedly tell me that someday I was going to stay home and he was going to " drive the blue car to your school and teach your kids . " " What are you going to teach them ? I asked . He replied , " to read . " When he relayed the plan to his father , he changed his mind enough that I would be allowed to go with him , but he was going to do the teaching . I love to watch his wheels turning as he calculates , plans , and analyzes . I can 't wait to see what he really does with his future . We all know it will be big things ! Bed time is always an . . . exciting time at the Burnett house . You never know what is going to be said or done or promised in an attempt to get both kids to sleep at a decent hour . It usually ends with multiple trips made to Ben 's room for covers , prayers , watching out for elephants . . . you name it . Occasionally prayers bring fun conversations . Since Ben has been struggling with a fear of elephants - thank you Baby Noah - we have to make sure all windows are shut and other such things . One night he wanted to pray for Grammy ( my mom ) . He said , " Is Grammy sick ? " I said , " nope , but you can pray for her anyway . " He looked at me with extreme concern and asked " Does she have elephants at her window ? " There are times when one or both of us fight against " Mel Gibson rage " ( a term coined by my friend Sam ) . Tonight Jeremy went running to a yelling Ben . Ben said , " She 's tackling me , she 's tackling me . " The she in this quote refers to his baby that sleeps with him . At the risk of digressing , Ben has a baby doll because at the time we found out that we were pregnant with Hadley , he was in the habit of body slamming all stuffed animals and baby dolls . We thought that if he had a " baby " of his own he would learn to be gentle . Anyway , his baby was " tackling him . " Jeremy 's response : " She 's fake . Tell her no . " Ben is showing big , big leadership skills ! He likes to tell EVERYONE what to do including his sister . Today he got two time outs at the babysitters for not being nice . He told Jeremy that he was mean because " I 'm the boss . " Hadley on the other hand , just wants to do EVERYTHING by herself and does not want help from her brother - or anyone else ! It 's very interesting to see them grow so differently . Ben quote for the day : Last night while attempting to get Ben to sleep , he kept telling Jeremy that his legs were stuck . Finally , extremely frustrated , Jeremy said , " Ben , I 'm going to remove your legs . " Ben 's reply , " No , Jer , people need their legs to walk ! " He has an answer for everything ! This is my attempt to record the funny things that happen in my house . For whatever reason , it is easier for me to log them on the internet than write them in a journal . Ironic , isn 't it ? Now the funny things Ben says , or the crazy events that happen only in this house will be available for the world to see .
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Unfortunately the restaurant didn 't open for another hour ; since when , dammit ? Not knowing what else to do , certainly not going to another place to eat , I wandered down the block , where I came across a movie theater , for some reason also closed on a Sunday afternoon ; ditto the bookstore . Damn siesta system , I grumbled as I wondered why this practice also extended to the weekends . Turning the corner , looking for any way to pass the time , as if by divine guidance I came across an arcade . Even more surprising , they had games I grew up on , like Asteroids , Centipede , Submarine , and particularly Galaga . Despite not having played for so long , I vowed to get the highest score in Galaga on my first try , and I did , but that mostly spoke to the non - formidableness of the competition . Next I placed my coins on the side of the air hockey table , signifying I had winners . It was a little known fact - okay , no one knew - that while I had played this game all over the world , I 've never lost a series . The closest was at Disneyland , where I had to come back from a 6 - 3 score ( takes 7 to win ) down two games in a best of seven , yet had managed to save the day and earn a free dinner for myself and my British friend in town for a visit . I 'd also won a big bet in the arcade at the Luxor in Las Vegas , leading people to wonder what I was doing in an arcade in Vegas , on my only trip there , but that 's another story . All three off us shot at the same time , and lasted about the same before being shot ourselves . Checking the scores , I saw that the pretty one at the end had done pretty well , and since I was actually familiar with these weapons , I 'd performed excellently . But then I saw the scores of the girl next to me and was completely appalled to find she 'd beaten my already higher score than anyone else had ever achieved ! Suspicious , I checked the ammunition supply ; she 'd used four times as much as me ! Apparently she 'd mistook the sniper rifle for an automatic . That explained a lot , but it only led to what had to be the most chilling rapid - fire giggles I 'd ever heard . . . So into the game had I been that I 'd neglected the clock , and once I checked I knew the grill had to be on full heat by now ; I didn 't run back to Embers , no matter what witnesses might say . Once seated and sipping an orange refreshment , order made , I looked around to make sure the decor was exactly the same , in particular finding the old sign over the doorway that read " All our hamburgers are made from genuine 100 % beef . " The message was not meant to reassure , since right above it was a photo of two horses laughing . . . Across from me two young teens , not that different from the ones in the arcade , were biting into their burgers , close enough for me to see what they 'd ordered . One had gone with the mushroom special , and I preferred not to watch her eat it . Besides , the other would be more amusing , as I 'd overheard her ordered the Roquefort cheese , which I knew was marinated in champagne . For a girl who 'd mostly likely never imbibed the firewater , this just might make for some interesting viewing . . . As I stumbled out of the restaurant about an hour later , instinctively thinking about that restaurant down south called the Stuffed Pig , I pretended having to remember which way to go . Even though this wasn 't exactly familiar territory , one was never lost in Mexico City as long as you were close to the subway . Eventually I hopped onto Line 6 , riding it south toward downtown , feeling giddy because it only took me a few seconds , once I 'd started actually looking to find my shadows ; only two of them , looking about as young as the chess player I 'd replaced , and seemingly doing their best to stand out , with their dour determined countenances . For a moment I felt insulted , then remembered this was all for their benefit , their training , no matter how much they tried to make me think they were checking up on my own skills . They were standing in the next car , faces plastered against the plexiglass , not even bothering to look away when I smiled at them ; I wondered what they would do if I stuck out my tongue at them . Instead I pondered if they were being graded on not being spotted , because they 'd failed that part . But now it was time to shake them . . . Acting just short of hammy , I let out a big yawn as I stood up and moved through the equally tired bodies toward the door . I was sure I was making it look natural , not arousing the suspicions of the two chasers as the bright orange train landed at Chabacano station , where I exited . Walking parallel toward the front , I didn 't have to look back to know they were following . By the time I reached the next train I figured the guys had gotten off at the next stop and phoned in , so their buddies were no doubt alerted by now . And they would be expecting me to do the logical thing : get off the metro and onto the streets , maybe take a taxi or a bus . But if I worked quickly enough , I should be able to get to my destination before they caught on . . . Oh right , the destination . Why , the airport , of course . . . not to fly out , which would be outside the rules , but maybe the chasers didn 't know that . Still , I was supposed to pretend it was all real , so laying down a false trail should earn some brownie points . . . It actually didn 't take that long to arrive at Benito Juarez airport , though as usual I had to remind myself the actual subway station was Terminal Aereo , not Aeropuerto . My first stop was the map shop , where I was well known , enough to be on a first - name basis with most of the babes and have a credit account . Less than five minutes later I exited with a few maps , then quickly made a round of the airlines . Mexicana Airlines was the only one with available seats for the next day , so I made reservations , using the fake credit card I 'd been issued . As I walked over to Aeromexico I wondered why the hell I had given my real name . . . then remembered I wanted them to find the reservations . So with that in my head I used a different name to grab a seat on a flight a week from now . . . though not so different that they couldn 't figure it out eventually . Not sure what else to do , I finally put on my headphones to drown out the sounds of the airplanes as I walked along Ignacio Zaragosa for awhile , until I felt safe enough to catch a bus downtown . There was a hotel I liked very much a few blocks from the main square , but I was well - known there , so I played it safe and avoided it . From there I really overdid it and took three taxis before going back into the subway , coming out in downtown anyway , but a few blocks away in another square , the Alameda . It was too late for my favorite English bookstore or the art museum at San Carlos to be open , so I walked around the flower - strewn plaza to see if I had any more followers , buying a pancake here or there from the young gals manning - er , womaning - the portable grills that looked to be cannibalized from ice cream strollers . Sigh . Katarina might be married , moved away , or any of hundred possibilities . But knowing you never won if you didn 't try , I got on the phone while staring at the building across from the tower , the one that had the sculpture of the dragon in - and - outing through the windows . . . Right after breakfast I hopped into a taxi to the university cultural center , where I bought a ticket for the flamenco show that night ; with a borrowed student I . D . , I got it at half price . Just to show you how huge UNAM - the university in question - is , I had to take a minibus to get to University Metro Station on the other side of it . Even then I had to climb up and down a lot of stairs to get to the actual subway , trying to have fun with the figures that name the stations , being more than occasionally puzzled when there was no rhyme or reason to it . The streets are even worse : northwest of Chapultepec Park I ran into Avenida Moliere , if you can believe that . It helps if you try to make fun of them . Finally transferred to Line 2 to get to Insurgentes , where I 'm on known turf again . This area is called the Zone Rosa - Pink Zone - not because it 's almost like a red light district , but because . . . I don 't know why . It 's the ritziest shopping place in the city , and I 've never seen streetwalkers or window - dwellers there , so you 'll have to ask someone else . Walking up Geneva , I of course had to stop off at McD 's for a large fries - haven 't had them in so long ! - which ruined my appetite later . From there I walked along Reforma for a while , taking in the statues until I came to a tremendously tall , reflective , skinny building that simply begged me to shoot , even though I had to lie on the sidewalk to get the whole thing . I 'd never had vertigo lying down before , and it was not an experience I 'd like to repeat . Wandering a bit aimlessly along the back streets , I eventually arrived at Sullivan Park , where the weekly art show was in full swing . The Unicorn lady was still there after all these years , and she was still doing unicorns , so all was right with the world . And not only was Miniature Guy there , he remembered me ! He told me that a VP or board member of Mercedes in Stuttgart had over 500 of his paintings , so I 'm shocked he 'd remember someone who only commissioned one , but I 'll take it . How he can draw lifelike figures about the size of a fingernail is beyond me , but it 's awesome . I still have it , even if it 's of an old girlfriend . . . Since I wasn 't in a buying mood , I soon took off west , a very long walk just to get to the edge of Chapultepec Park , and then a long walk to the lake , to buy my ticket for the Swan Lake spectacular they have in the middle of said lake . Noticed in the coming attractions that Ottmar Leibert would be playing , but not until long after I was gone , so shucks on that , as well as the Swan seats being sold out . Dammit ! Feeling more than a little aggrieved , as well as hungry , I took a taxi to Embers , my favorite eatery in the city , which is unfortunately far off the subway lines . With a fun - looking exterior and an open , cheery inside , I quickly ordered my usual and munched on the fantastic bread pieces - so good you might fill up before the burger arrives - and sipped a delicious naranjada while I looked around . No one was behind the keyboard in the corner , probably a good thing right now , because as always the first thing that draws my attention is the sign over the door that says " All our burgers are made from genuine 100 % beef . " I don 't know if that 's supposed to make me feel better or just a joke , because underneath is a photo or drawing of two horses laughing ! I wish I had a picture of it , but I couldn 't find the one I took . On the menu are numerous types of burgers , but I always have the same one ; as I told the waiter , in Spanish obviously , " I like my burgers like my models : nude . " In case you can 't figure that out on your own , that means I only want the bread , cheese , and meat . { Recently some wise guy insisted a nude burger would be without cheese , so I 've had to change this to " lingerie burger , " but only when he 's around . } As a fun aside , on a later trip I took a couple of young female relatives along ; one ordered the mushroom special , which I prefer not to even contemplate , but the other ordered the Roquefort , which is marinated in champagne . For a girl who had never drunk alcohol in her life , it made for some interesting and very amusing viewing . So on to the important stuff , right ? Not only was it the best burger I 've ever had in Mexico - whole country - it was one of the best in the world . Yes , the search ended right there . While it 's technically possible that there 's a better burger in town , these are so good I 'm not going to bother searching further ; I may not be the same kind of connoisseur of burgers as I am of corn , but I feel very comfortable saying that . And every subsequent visit has been just as good . And if you 're feeling up to it , there 's one burger on the menu that is so big it comes out on a butcher 's block . Go ahead , seriously , I dare you . . . The first dance was called Benamor , a standard flamenco solo with castanets . Patricia Linares is the main babe of the night , looking gorgeous in the typical flamenco way , therefore she looked younger than she had to be . This piece seemed to be an easy warm - up for what was to come . Next up was La Alegria de Vivir , which is easy enough to translate : " Joy of Living . " This was the highlight , mostly because the music was Rodrigo 's famous Concierto de Aranjuez , along with its companion Fantasia Para Un Gentilhombre , which as everyone knows translates to " Fantasy for a Gentleman . " They 're possibly the most famous musical pieces featuring guitar as main instrument with orchestra , and I could listen to them on repeat all day . Patricia is glowing in a beautiful lavender velvet flamenco dress with a long tail , playing a solitary soul afraid of others . The five backup gals were having fun with flowers - also a typical flamenco motif , the flower dance ; Patricia 's innocent character gets one and loves it . But at the end of the second movement of the Concerto , the most famous part - I 'm glad I came , just for this ! - she 's lying down with the other girls running around her , giving her a headache and trampling her flower . No third movement as she goes to change into a simply white dress , and to begin the Fantasia the girls go into the fan dance . One can 't get hers to open , shakes it at the important points in the music , so I think it 's part of the act . Patricia comes back out and ends up with all the flowers , as a proper diva should . . . This intermission , like most , didn 't afford me many thoughts , though I did have some funny moments reading the names of the backup dancers and trying to figure out which was which , though of course I had no clue . Not that I imagine any of them would read this , but just for the heck of it I 'll include their names : Monica Villanueva , Alietta Gonzalez , Adriana Santos , Citlali Iglesias , and Pilar Palacios . If one of them leaves a comment I just might keel over . . . The third dance , a debut like the previous , was Alborada del Alma , which to my surprise - I didn 't know the first word - translates to " Dawn of the Soul . " Nice . Once again Patricia takes the stage alone for this paso doble fantasy world of a girl in a roomful of props , while clad in a head - to - toe form - fitting purple velvet suit that doesn 't quite flatter her body the way it should . She starts by placing a flower in her hair and lipstick where it 'll do the most good , then on to playing with a shawl , and so forth , until she finds the bull head and puts it on , only to enjoy playing a matador more . As a flamenco fan , I found the concept wonderful but the dancing a bit pedestrian , with mostly just the taps , lacking in body movements and arm positions and so on . . . { holy shit , am I actually doing a dance review in this blog ? The world is definitely coming to an end . . . } But not the evening . The fourth piece is Rondeña , wonderful in its simplicity , the most satisfying - to me . It 's pure group flamenco : five ladies in beautiful tight dresses - two purple , one red , one orange , one lime green - doing what flamenco is supposed to be . The short babe in the green - really wish I coulda gotten their names , or at least hers - was the most fun to watch , as she had a constant magnetic smile that would have taken attention away from the main diva , had she been on stage at the time . They started with the shawl dance , each matching their dresses of course , then brought out the castanets , as you would see in every show . . . but then , that 's what makes it special ; that 's what I came to see . On to the final piece , and it 's a doozy : Los Siete Mundos , easily translated to " The Seven Worlds . " By far the strangest thing all night , it was more performance art than straight dance . Our main diva comes out carrying her stool and singing in a not - bad soprano , clad in a simple blue dress . The others , after leaving the main lady alone for a while , join in with their own stools in a semi - circle , draped in flower dresses . Being true women , they pretend to gossip for a while before starting the clapping and dance solos within the circle . The main gal is at the right end , so she 's the one who sees a masked man come on stage from left rear . Already it feels eerie as she goes over to check what he 's about , scared yet obviously unable to help herself , this new thing is too interesting . When she tells the others about him , they find him too hideous to contemplate and pull her back to the group ; this part seems a bit of an archetype , from many movies and plays , but they pulled it off . She pleads with them to let her go , but before she can convince them the masked man leaves . This makes her sad - sniff ! - and when the girls split off to go home , she says goodbye to one group while pretending to be with the other , only to fool them by staying . Next came a number of appearances by the masked man in different guises - and I 'm reminded of a Benny Hill skit . As a troll , he gives her a lantern , so she can take the already - illuminated path she needs to travel without fear of stepping off . Rain and wind - mimed - appear , until she finally realizes that with the lantern she 's not limited to the path . For some reason there was a lot of ballet in this section , which didn 't work for me , so I concentrated on the story . Each time the masked man appeared , he would toss her a skirt of the same color and style he was wearing , of which I particularly remember the orange Maya - like garment . With a very nice play of lights a flight of steps appears in the back , and the last thing we see before the lights go out is her finally reaching the top . Apparently this dance was based on Egyptian initiation rituals , which I 've certainly never heard of , but I can see where she 's going with it there at the end . Almost an hour later Tigre exited the club . Seeing me still on my perch , and being suspicious by nature , he stopped to see what what I was doing . Getting a sufficiently realistic growl in my voice , I muttered , " My little bitch seems to have stood me up . If she ever gets here , she 's gonna pay . " Tigre grinned . " If you need some help . . . or if you 're not man enough to handle her , I 'd be glad to take her off your hands , even though I haven 't seen her . " The grin was predatory , matching his nickname . Tigre 's grin grew wider . Though we were strangers , it was not uncommon for men to spar in this fashion around here . " You don 't see me having troubles . She would never leave me . " She 's not yours to leave , I almost said , knowing all the time that tipping my hand for the sake of one - upsmanship was stupid . So I got up and picked up my bag . " Well , you 're welcome to her , if you think you can do a better job . In the meantime , I 'm on my way to a sure thing . " Incredibly tired - otherwise I would have walked the relatively short distance - I lurched out the taxi and through the door that had been opened by the man in the funny suit outside the Maria Isabel Sheraton . Assuring the man I was not drunk and passing on a tip , I wearily climbed the ramp and went into the hotel , where I made my way to the front desk and asked if I had any messages . The desk clerk knew me and had obviously never seen me like this . " Would you like me to call a masseuse for you ? " The next day came with all the grace and speed of a man dragging himself across the desert . Ten AM found me sitting on a stone bench with a local agent - in - training named Lily on Paseo de la Reforma , somewhere between the statue of Diana and the Anthro museum . There was a huge crowd of people walking around the streets , most of them going to Chapultepec Park across the street , but more importantly there was a large number of couples sitting and walking in our vicinity , so we did not look out of place at all . Lily found herself giggling , making me give her a look of reproach . " It 's funny , " she insisted . " You guys are talking like they do in every spy movie I 've seen . " I didn 't answer , not wanting any such conversation to be overheard . Instead I kissed her , not very passionately according to most standards but much more steamy than any of the other couples around us . As a matter of fact , we were attracting stares , so I had to tone it down a bit ; no need to get her horny , I grinned to myself . Lily knew she was only there for camouflage , but that did not mean she couldn 't enjoy herself in the meantime . Like any woman , she fancied herself a good actress , and she didn 't mind playing the lover role at all . She also knew I would not be in town much longer , and she was sure when the target was spotted I would leave in a hurry ; she giggled at the thought that some man would try to comfort her on seeing her lover abandon her in such a matter , thinking that wasn 't a bad way at all to snare a guy . I knew this would probably be the last shot at nailing the suspect , so I was torn between letting Lily come with me when the blonde mounted the bus , to provide further camouflage , or leave her here so she could be out of danger . Having no idea where the bus would take us , there might not be a chance to let her get out of harm 's way . There was no doubt she would make excellent hostage bait as well . Lily was already ahead of me , taking my camera and long - range telephoto out . I set up quickly as she moved about ten yards down the street to pose . Keeping up a running dialogue , I told her how to pose as I clicked away , though my lens was actually focused down the street . A passerby might have found it suspicious for me to be using such a huge lens to shoot a gal so close , but obviously would come to the conclusion that I wanted an extreme close - up of her extraordinarily beautiful face . Besides , not that many people around here would be photography experts , even the tourists . " I have her in my sights , " I told Tony , chuckling as I realized I would have said exactly the same thing if I were holding a rifle instead of the very similar - looking lens barrel . " She 's hopping into a bus . Get to your car and be ready for my next signal . Follow discreetly . " While I said this I was already packing things as Lily hailed the minibus . There was no question of her going now , so we climbed in and found two seats together . I made sure not to look at the target as we passed her , but I was free to stare at her back all I wanted , telling Lily to be ready to get out quickly before returning to our previous roles of kissy - kissy . It was obvious that Lily was attracting a lot of attention , so I made the decision to have her get off as if it were her stop , then join Tony in the car . Neither of them would be involved in the action ; Tony was no expert in this stuff either . It would be a one - on - one . If it were not for the fact that these buses ran on a strict route , I would have found it too good to be true . I knew some parts of the city well , and the rest not at all . The area from Sullivan Park down to Chapultepec and in the opposite direction to downtown I knew like the back of my hand , as the old saying went ; I hadn 't studied that part of my anatomy in quite a while . No one had read the front of my hand lately either , but that wasn 't important right now . This was apparently the end of the line for the bus , since everyone got off . I waited for everyone else to leave , wondering if the target had come here to see the art exhibitions only held on Sundays . It was the same line she 'd taken on Friday , but it was possible that she usually got off at another stop . No way of knowing , other than to play it out , now . But the target did not go that way . As I watched , musing how lucky it was that she liked wearing bright clothes , she turned north on Sadi Carnot . I followed her a bit further behind and across the street . Being so close to Insurgentes street , this area might be said to have middle - income housing , at least as American standards go , but it was pretty high class for Mexico City , excepting the areas like the Zona Rosa , Pedregal , and Bosques de Chapultepec , where mostly narco - rich lived . At the second floor from the top - I still got confused with the bottom floor is ground floor and second floor is first floor and all that stuff - I saw her pause at the window and look out . If she intended to see if she had been followed , she did her job poorly . As a matter of fact , as I saw her take out a key ring and search for one , she was giving her position away . That became even more apparent when she opened the door to the right of the window , in plain sight . It made me think : was she just innocent of the techniques , or was she leading her follower into a trap ? I continued watching the windows of the apartment she had entered , seeing glimpses of two figures outlined from a light on the inside , which was very quickly turned off . Unless I could get up on this building behind me and use the telephoto , and unless they put the lights back on , I would have no idea what was going on inside , and I was certainly not going to risk being caught acting like the infamous Peeping Tom , or the local version of it . People inside dark rooms could see out much better than anyone could see in anyway , so I waited where I was , dying for a 7 - up which would only be half a block away and signaling for my troops to be ready for the next order . " And leave Lily alone , Tony . You know how jealous I can get . " " What a great idea , " I muttered as I used a large truck to cover my crossing , then made my way into the building and took the stairs quickly but silently . Hardly pausing once I saw the cheap lock , I kicked the door open , gun held ready , and immediately saw movement in front of me . Without waiting for an invitation , I dove behind an upholstered chair and held my gun in the direction of the movement . Quickly glancing around , I saw it was a small apartment ; that , added to what I thought had been going on the last hour , led me to the opinion that there was no one else in the place , though of course that was by no means positive . Peering by the left side of the chair - most would expect me to be right - handed and look out the other way - I could not see any more movement , but my sharp eyes were able to pick out the barrel of a gun in the murky darkness of the other room . Aiming carefully , I set off one shot at the gun , then followed it with another lower and to the right , where the person would be hiding behind that dresser . I was rewarded by the whine of metal being struck , but was disappointed to hear the other bullet smack wood . The next second I heard the ricochet of the first bullet hit a wall , followed by the clunk of a gun hitting the floor . The next sound I heard was that of a window being opened ; having seen no fire escape outside , it was still not impossible for my prey to have a plan , as he was justified in his paranoia . Having to be cautious , not taking a chance that the man didn 't have another gun , I carefully walked into the other room , my own weapon at ready . A quick glance around told me I was alone , so I dashed to the open window and looked down , seeing the top of a dark head climbing down a rope . Immediately I thought about pulling the rope up , but knew there was little chance of bringing the guy in , so I settled for the next best thing : I whipped my knife out and cut the rope . Unfortunately Adams - the bad guy in this scenario - was already far enough down to fall the rest of the way safely ; I watched him get to his feet and sprint in the direction of Sullivan Park . Half - cursing for letting him get away , but pleased that he had taken that direction , I dashed down the stairs , trying to save enough breath to call in . " Inform Duke to put his plan into effect immediately . Tell him he 's the luckiest Scotsman in the world ! " Never one for running , I took it easy , just keeping the man in sight as he dashed between the paintings throughout the park . I did not want to pursue too closely , for fear of loose gunplay , and I only hoped Adams didn 't get the idea of hostages in mind . Still , the guy had to be shaken , not having expected me to be on to him so soon ; he was rattled and only thinking of escape . I could only give the painters a pitying look as I followed the swath of destruction Adams left in his wake ; obviously not being much for art , the man had gone through the park without a care as to the articles on sale . I followed at a discreet distance , though not getting close enough to knock else over . As I went along , I saw one beautiful rendition of the Caracol observatory at Chichen Itza ; not bothering to stop , I told the painter , a rather young man , to save it for me , I 'd be back real soon . Adams finally came out of the park and crossed Villalongin at the movie theater , then hit River Marie ; apparently he 'd realized he had made a mistake earlier and should have made for the big crowds along Insurgentes , and was attempting to correct that now . When he reached Rio Lerma he crossed the street so he could get to the correct side of the next street , Rio Neva . One block away was Paseo de la Reforma , which would be even better than Insurgentes in the amount of people he could lose himself in . A few steps before Adams hit Rio Neva , I shouted into the mic for # 3 to start his run ; when Adams turned the corner , he saw a man with a gun running toward him . A quick glance behind showed me still on his heels , and in the other direction of Rio Neva , another agent was coming . His only recourse was to continue on Rio Lerma . The next cross street was Rio Guidiana , I knew , which was named after a place I was very familiar with up north . More importantly , it closed before reaching Paseo de la Reforma , so there was no need to put a man there . Adams saw this and continued on , hoping that his pursuers were not fast enough to close down either Rio Amazonas or the larger Rio Rhine { by now you should have figured out the streets in this colony were named after rivers , if you bothered to think about it . } Commencing to feel fatigued , but not about to give up , Adams searched for alternatives . This area of Mexico City was populated with large old mansions , which probably had guards that would help in the chase . However , if he could get into one without being spotted by either pursuers or guards , he was sure he could find a place to hide , thinking we wouldn 't have the jurisdiction or clout to force rich landowners to open their houses for a search . " So nice o ' ye ta drop in , " he heard a Scottish burr say . " We 've bin waitin ' for ye to stop by . " He found himself lying on the floor with a knee in his back , handcuffs quickly applied to his wrists as his arms were shoved behind his back . Then he was lifted up and turned around to face a man he knew very well : Alexander Southwood , known to some as Duke , newest graduate to the British Secret Service . The door had been left open , and in came . . . lil ' ol ' me . Adams bared his teeth and struggled to get free , finally realizing he 'd been snookered . Duke and I exchanged a high - five , though Scots weren 't all that coordinated for that kind of stuff . Then , ignoring the captive , I said , " Like taking candy from a baby . " Adams sneered , he wasn 't about to go down without a fight . " You know you can 't hold me . You have no jurisdiction here . " I was back in Sullivan Park , buying that painting , when I heard a voice behind me . " I think I deserve leniency . After all , I led you right to him . " I didn 't have to turn around to realize it was the actress playing Adams ' gal . " I did think it was a bit too easy . But I don 't see why you have to be dragged into this . Go on with your life and maybe you 'll become a good lawyer , if there is such a thing . " The Universidad Autonoma de Mexico , better known as UNAM , is located on the south side of the huge metropolis known as Mexico City . I knew this huge campus better than most of the 270 , 000 students - if you can believe that number - having been all over with friends instead of just one particular part of the campus , whatever their study area might be . Finding it extremely amusing that the lady I would be following - to hopefully catch her bastard criminal boyfriend - would be coming out of the Law building , I set up shop on a bench under a tree and waited . If I 'd had more time , I could have set this up properly , having a man at every door , pictures of her to show people , more than enough men to have a box around her , backups in case someone was spotted . Surveillance would be made harder by the fact that I didn 't know how experienced the target was . Would she know enough to spot a tail , or be completely oblivious ? Depending on that answer , I could then formulate my approach to the situ - The photo hadn 't shown it , but she was very attractive , pretty enough to turn a man 's head briefly , though no movie star . Her hair had been blonde once , as a kid , but had changed somewhere along the way . Nice legs , better than average figure , didn 't dress rich enough to make me think her body had been surgically enhanced . Too bad she was hanging around the bed of a major - league bad guy . . . She led the way to the metro , dropping down the stairs into the bowels at the beginning of line 3 . The ends of each line were always crowded , and it was going - home time for most , so it made for an incredibly tight space as we waited for the next train . The crowds , as with everything else so far , had its good and bad points : I was almost certain not to be spotted , of course , but if she made a sudden move , I would be hard - pressed to stay with her . The metro left , northward - bound . I stayed near the entrance and looked up at the route above the center seats . I knew the stations by heart , but I wanted to see on which side of the cars the doors would open . The poster didn 't say ; either someone had taken the info I needed down or all the doors opened on the same side all the way down the line . I knew which one of those alternatives I preferred , since it would be impossible to get from one side of the sardine - like train car to the other in a hurry . Things only got worse , if that was possible , as we headed toward downtown . All the people who worked between there and the university and lived toward the north were trying to pack the sardine tin ride even tighter . It was getting harder for me to keep an eye on the exit at every station , and there were more than a few irritated people by now . Finally , at the tenth station , Centro Medico , I saw the flash of red about ten feet in front of me . I quickly stepped out and moved away from the door , then waited for all the rest to get on and off . I wanted her to get a bit ahead of me , but I hadn 't realized this was a transit point to line 9 . When I did , I started walking at one and a quarter speed , not enough to look suspicious , just another guy who was in a hurry . I made the most of my weaving talents , learned from years of trying to avoid being caught by linebackers and safeties and sadistic soccer defenders - well , that last one was redundant . I also took the stairs instead of waiting for the escalator to do its job . If I 'd realized I 'd actually used the dreaded stairs , I would have been surprised at myself , but this time speed and mobility were more important than my irrational hate - fear ? - of the climbing apparatus . I followed the target , hoping no one else was wearing something so brightly red , as she led me to the line 9 landing that would head for Observatory . Good ; we would be heading away from the center of town , so it wouldn 't be as full . The landing was still crowded , but not like the last two . I reasoned I could be as much as two cars away from her this time . I watched her as she checked the time ; apparently satisfied by what her watch told her , she leaned back against the wall and let the first train fill up . I suspected we had made good time from the University and she was in no hurry now . This told me she was probably going home from here , maybe on foot . Luckily a few other people decided to chance the next one , so I didn 't look like I was waiting for her . Line 9 , not the last to be built - somehow it was done before line 8 - had far fewer stations than the earlier - built routes , and in only three stops we were at the end of the line , Tacubaya . Of course it was crowded , since everyone had to get off , but I managed to consistently be about 20 feet behind her as I surreptitiously checked my map book while keeping an eye on both her and the crowd . I especially had to watch out for vendors , who often set their wares up in the middle of the walkways during the lonely day and were now in the middle of everything . Line 1 had been built in the late sixties , the first , this time being logical . It went all the way from west to east while cutting through the center of town . The west terminus was also the west bus station , for those who took the one - hour commute from their homes in the nearby city of Toluca . But it was soon discovered that this line was carrying far more people than the other two lines at the time , and none of the planned routes would do much to ease that . The solution was to build another line that would start and end at the same place , but bypass the center so people going from one end to the other could avoid the heavy crowds in the center . In this they were only partially successful , but it was still easy to tell the difference , I thought as I kept the tail , immensely suspicious ; I couldn 't figure out why she 'd hop from one line to the other . It was very possible that I 'd been spotted ; another thought was that she did this all the time in case someone was following her , but that didn 't jive very well with her time check . Still . . . Line 1 was seething , far more than line 3 . This time I managed to get into the same car and keep an eye on the back side of her red sweater . I noticed she was standing near the door , so I stayed close to my own exit . Now I saw what she 'd done and had to admire her logic . Instead of getting off at what was sure to be the busiest transit point in the world , she 'd taken a more circuitous route , and had probably saved time and a few gropings in the bargain . She waited for everyone to get into the cars before making her way out of the station . I followed her up the stairs at a discreet distance , knowing that the first thing we would come to would be a fountain , followed by the fence delineating the huge park . Glancing at my watch , I saw it was almost seven . Time flew on the metro , though it didn 't feel like it in the crowds . I knew the park ordinarily closed at five but was kept open late on Fridays and Saturdays , probably till dusk . She made straight for the entrance , but the guard , one of the short guys in epaulets , wouldn 't let her through . I got as close as I could and took out a light meter from my bag to point it toward the castle on the hilltop , listening intently . She asked the guard how she could get to Paseo de la Reforma if she couldn 't cross through the park , so he pointed the way to take the long route , which would eventually lead her to the Statue of Diana , I knew . She thanked him and went on her merry way . It was a pretty long walk , and darkness had just about set in , but the red sweater was visible a long way away . She seemed to be walking fast , faster than her natural pace , and for the first time I noticed that though she had just gotten out of classes , she carried no books . I made my stride longer , but it was clear she was outdistancing me . It seemed like I 'd been following her for hours . Due to my exertions of the day , I was getting pretty tired , but I 'd never had a problem with simple walking ; one foot in front of the other and ignoring the pain signals from the feet was all it took . What was so hard about that ? I couldn 't rest until I got back to the hotel anyway , so pain and fatigue didn 't matter , right ? Right ? Somebody answer me . . . I did not panic ; instead I looked around like a simple lost tourist . It was an unusually quiet moment on the street , which meant there was a red light down by the Anthropology Museum . There were no taxis , buses , collectives , or even cars pulling away from my position . So where the hell was she ? Suddenly I saw the flash of red across the street , coming out of an underground tunnel . Glancing hastily to the right , I saw the entrance to the sub - surface passage , which hadn 't been here the last time I 'd passed through . Quickly making my way down the stairs , I ran through the tunnel at full speed . Some wise guy told me the cars couldn 't get me down here , but I ignored it as I climbed slowly up the stairs , catching my breath and making sure she wouldn 't notice me . I found myself right in front of the statue of Diana , and the lady in red was gone again . Too bad the bronze figure couldn 't tell me . Venus might have , but not Diana , though technically I was doing some hunting , and she was the huntress . . . My mind was babbling , so I had to choke those thoughts down ruthlessly . Glancing right , I could see the long line of Paseo de la Reforma heading toward the Zona Rosa ; no red . She could have gone into one of those buildings , but I doubted it . Then I looked past the statue at the freeway which passed underneath . She was not on the bridges bordering to either side . So left it was . I had a swell time crossing the entrance to the freeway . To my disgust , a station wagon stopping in front of me , where a woman was driving and a man rolled down the window to ask me directions . Not wanting any delay and trying not to feel sorry for them , I gave them a quick " no hablo espanol " and walked past the wagon . I noticed the woman laughing as she started the car up , and I had time to see she was good - looking before going on ; instincts popped up in the strangest places . . . That left only the street that followed in the direction we 'd been heading . There was a huge building occupying the space between the street and the freeway entrance , so I had to get to the side of it to see down the street . There , far in the distance , I saw the lady in red . Trying not to grin , I picked up the pace , but let her remain quite a bit ahead of me . Once or twice I lost sight of her , but by the time I had reached the place she had disappeared , I 'd caught sight of her again . It turned into another long and boring walk . I 'd been closing in on her , sensing she was reaching her destination , when she dropped from sight again . This time she was nowhere to be found , and I was stopped by a red light at the intersection . I did not allow my frustration to show , though I did shake my head in disgust for a small instant . Having no idea about the building as I went in through the double doors , I realized the first glance didn 't help . Didn 't seem like an office building , but there were a number of desks to the left side . The corridor that led from the doors continued forward for about twenty feet before being interrupted by a security gate . Interesting ! Completely ignorant , I was not about to try to talk my way in . Instead I looked around , as if searching for someone , which was true , then sighed and reclined against the wall by the door . Any person noticing me as I glanced at my watch would assume I was waiting for someone . . . which was true as well . Feeling the weariness , I sat on the stone railing of the stairs , at the very bottom . Still a little elevated from ground level , I could now see , off to my right , a swimming pool beyond the fence . I had more than enough evidence , but wanting to make sure , I took out the atlas and quickly located where I found myself at the moment . Now what ? Did I check in and inform the locals to get some surveillance to my location on the double ? I was really tired , and I had no wish to do any more following . I also didn 't feel like waiting , since she might be in there quite a while . I was still looking at the map book when she came out . Sitting facing away from the doors , I knew she wouldn 't recognize my back , but I also didn 't want her to see me and maybe recognize me later . I was a bit surprised to see her again so soon , but I noticed she now had a bag ; a bit of logic told me she probably had a locker and had only come to pick something up . I waited for her to get ahead again . She did not cross the street this time , but walked back in the direction we had come from . I was just about to get up and follow when I heard a male voice calling her name . It was dark enough for me to stare at the caller without suspicions being aroused . The man was in the center divider of the street ; not waiting for permission from the traffic light , he dashed across at the first opportunity to where the target was waiting patiently . When he jumped onto the sidewalk she gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek , calling him Tigre . I tried not to laugh at what was obviously a nickname he had given himself to try to impress chicks like her . They talked for less than a minute , and then she walked away laughing . Tigre came towards me , climbing the stairs and going in , giving me a smile as he passed . I smiled back and gave a shake of my head as if to announce I was suitably jealous . Making sure Tigre wasn 't watching me , I finally got up and followed the target again . She had a long head start by now , but this side of the street was much less crowded ; I had no trouble keeping her in sight until we got to Paseo de la Reforma again . As soon as she made the turn toward the Anthro museum , she flagged down a passing collective mini - bus .
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We got on the bus and headed to the heart of Beverly Hills . We headed down Bedford Dr . to the basement of a small office building . " Sensory Anticipation Center . " the sign on the door said . We entered the office and other me asked for two tanks . The beautiful blond receptionist told us she had one appointment at 2 : 00 and another at 2 : 30 p . m . We reserved them and then we sat down in a dark waiting room that was surrounded by glow in the dark fish tanks . " Well about ten years ago they perfected the tanks and more people started using them . Well , pot use and floating go hand in hand and at first the pot growers association was thrilled at all the business they were getting . Float tank places sold brownies , even . After a while though , people began having epiphanies , they started becoming less materialistic . This scared advertisers and so they came up with these new tanks , you 'll love it trust me . The receptionist called my name and led me down a hall to a small room with what looked like a standard issue sensory deprivation tank . I showered and got in . for a moment everything was silent and dark . Suddenly , there were stars everywhere and I began to have the sensation of floating forward though space . A tall handsome man was hovering over me . I felt myself being pulled upwards towards him and following him at an astounding rate of speed as the stars spun around us . Waltz music began to play and we were dancing together in an opulent ballroom surrounded by beautiful revelers . I was no longer naked , but wearing a ball gown . He took me by the hand and pulled me out of the room and we ran down the street to a parked sports car . We got into the car and drove fast as beautiful scenery dashed passed us . The car stopped and he started floating through the stars again . Suddenly , the sky turned pink and colorful cakes and candies began to float by . They looked close enough to eat and I tried , but they pulled away . The images turned to 3 - D images of bottles of high end alcohol . The bottles spun very slowly . The stars returned and spun at an astounding rate until I felt dizzy . The darkness returned and again I floated there for a moment . I felt anxious I wanted the images back . Soft music played and the lights came up . I climbed out of the tank , showered and headed towards the decompression room . Several people sat drinking tea and thumbing through magazines , but other me wasn 't one of them . I noticed a small local paper on the coffee table . I sat down and looked at the story . Three Buildings in North Hollywood to be demolished today , the headline read . " 122 , 126 and 128 Van Nuys Blvd will be demolished with dynamite at 6 : 00 p . m . today . The city of north Hollywood elected to demolish the eyesores which have been abandon and uninhabitable for the last five years , " the article read . I went outside and looked for a taxi , but I didn 't see one . I jumped on the bus and headed back to NOHO . I wondered how I was ever going to make it up the stairs past a demolition crew ; either one of me . When I got there , there were cops and people everywhere . There were a couple of street vendors selling hot dogs and popcorn and souvenir construction hats . Two cops stood talking to a construction worker who appeared to be giving a statement . He looked up at me and pointed . They all walked over to me . " That 's definitely her . " I heard one of them say . I turned to run , but they grabbed me . They took me to their car . " I was on the bus an hour ago and I can prove it , " I said . I showed him my bus transfer . He wrote out a report and let me go . I proceeded to tell the story of how we had the successful psychic business and the secret blog . About how we met a boy who was an auto mechanic , who was mean to us and eventually dumped us and how he outed us as being a fraud on the internet and we ended up losing the business and ended up as Tom 's roommate rather than his girlfriend . I told her that I went back to the past and simply sat in our apartment and did nothing on the day I had bought the car that would lead to meeting the mean boyfriend , figuring that if I never bought the car I ( we ) never would have met him . Tom and I went back to October 13th 2013 . We found out we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we found your note saying what year you were traveling to and the name of the shop you were going to . I followed you . " " I guess I should thank you , " she began . I 've always traveled to the future in the time machine . At first Tom was against my selling things , but I thought it made for a good retirement plan . I mean , we 're going to need it being in business for ourselves . " " Wouldn 't it have been easier to just go forward a day , buy a paper , get the lottery numbers and win the lottery ? That 's what I … . I mean or we … " I began . " He came to a party where I was doing readings . He said he wasn 't doing well at work and needed to make a sale or he would get fired . I told him that I sensed a company in the valley needed a new camera equipment provider . Actually , I knew they needed one because I did a reading for a man from that company . He called them and made the sale . I saved his job . " " I see . " I said . " Well , if you 're selling things , isn 't he afraid that you will accidently pass money from the future , " I asked . " Well once the movie was actually released it was a huge hit . It broke all the records . North Korea got even angrier and began hacking into all kinds of American businesses . At around the same time there was a terrorist attack on a French satirical magazine by radical Muslims . Pretty soon there were more attacks on satirist and writers all over the free world by both Muslim and North Korea and it went on for ten years . They would hack attack us and we would bomb them . They eventually formed an alliance . ' The War Against Humor ' the media called it . For a couple of years it looked like we might go to actual war . President Clinton attempted to impose more sanctions . " Yes , well , congress blocked the sanctions and she lost popularity because of her inability to stop what was happening . Sarah Palin got into office and we send troops into Korea as well as several Middle Eastern countries and this brought about worldwide economic devastation . That was when the UN had a summit and decided that countries should work with each other rather than against each other . It was decided that each country would do what it did best . Japan and Israel invent things , things are manufactured in developing nations and most of the Middle East is a prison . It is the job of Americans to consume things and buy things . We now have one world leader that was elected by the UN . They appointed Apple Paltrow in part to appease the Koreans as she is genetically incapable of humor . " Yes , you used to be paid for the point in money , but they are phasing that out . Everyone will have their points loaded on to their arm GPS and everyone has to get one by January You can just take your receipts and they put the point on . So I won 't be going any farther into the future than that . I 'm saving the points in a drawer at home . " I took the card from Tom . On the front of the card was a picture of a hundred or so lifesavers . When I opened it it said " Happy Birthday to my love and my lifesaver . Love , Tom . " I sped - read through a few more blog post . It was full of my usual sarcastic observations about my clients . There were only about twenty posts since 2010 , it had only been an outlet for my most frustrating emotions . While I read my old blog Tom found my day planner in my desk . It occurred to me that I should feel invaded or offended or something , but the truth is I didn 't . It was like he was looking at a stranger 's planner . I didn 't know any more about what was in it than he did . He reluctantly logged on and we looked at his page . His profile picture was of him holding a turtle . There was a picture of the two of us stand in front of the Staples Center in his albums . Other than that there were no pictures of me . We scrolled down and found that he was going to North Carolina for a few days for work . Most of his post were links to music he liked and a few random articles . He scrolled back several months , but there weren 't really any clues to where I might be . He slowed his pace when he came to a post that said January 11 , 2012 became friends with Kelly Peirce . I grabbed a hundred dollars out of my old cookie jar stash and we took a cab back to Tom 's place . We were relived to find his key worked . We entered and found the turtle tank in the kitchen . He had two small bowls that were already full of food and water . " Tom , I 'm gonna go to 2040 and look for myself . I 'm gonna go to the ATM first . I think about $ 500 should do for a couple of days . Do you want to come with ? " " Maybe we 've completely screwed up the entire world , " Tom said beginning to get angry . I wondered if his anger didn 't have something to do with me . I mean , he was out of my league . There was no way the three of us could fit into the time machine together . Younger me went first , Tom made sure the dials were set to October 7th 2013 . There was an awkward silence between the two of us as we waited for the time machine to stop . Tom refused to look at me at all , staring directly at the door . I wondered what would happen in the future to make us a couple . He didn 't even seem to like me very much . After fifteen minutes Tom got in the machine and I followed fifteen minutes later . I arrived to find Tom crouched silently in the closet . Tom put his finger to his lips and motioned for me to get down . We could all hear someone milling about in the bedroom , but the door was closed so we couldn 't see them . After a while the tenant left and we all took a guess that we were alone in the apartment . We ran for the door and out into the street . " Here 's what I don 't get , when I traveled to 2009 I went to my apartment and lived my old life for , basically forty eight hours and I was the only one there . So when younger me traveled from 2012 how come she encountered me . It doesn 't make any sense . " We passed the rest of the trip in silence . We arrived at out stop and walked a few blocks to my old building . We walked up the stairs and knocked on my door , but I did not answer . I opened the door and we walked inside . I was embarrassed at how messy it was . " I never was psychic of course and I never believed that I was . I started my business out of economic desperation . I t grew and grew and I got pretty good at it . I moved into this apartment from an absolutely horrific dump that I had been living in . I felt like a phony , I needed an outlet and there was no one I could trust , I only had fair weather friends . I started a secret blog where I wrote what I really thought about my clients and I never showed it to anyone . I said I lived in New York and not LA and I never shared it on any kind of social media , it had very few hits and I used no tags , but really , I should have made it private . " I felt like I was going to cry . " I had been driving around in an old beater and it died . I went out and bought a used Honda that looked nice on the outside . It broke down a lot and I finally had to have the transmission replaced . I should have bought a new car … I did not . The mechanic asked me out his name was Steve . We dated for a year . One drunken night I told him about my confessional blog . " The thing is , Steve was not a nice guy . He was emotionally abusive . He called me an idiot a few times , sometimes he wouldn 't talk to me for days . Eventually he cheated on me . I went on Ripoff Report and gave Transmission Co , his garage , a bad review . He retaliated by going on Rip Off Report with a link to my secret blog . I started getting less and less business . I had to take a customer service job . I was eventually fired and went on unemployment and needed a cheap place to live and that was how I found you . " We went to my old blog and found that it was still up and active . As I read the posts from 2009 on , Tom looked around my apartment . He looked through my desk drawer and pulled out a large red greeting card envelope and began to read the card inside . I got up at six and took another shower with the lilac soap . I started to cry not wanting to leave and go back to the tiny room in the shared apartment . I considered staying , but I remembered what Tom had said . I ran to the train station and jumped on the red line . I made a run for the new apartment . I raced up the stairs and knocked on the door and hid in the stairwell , but no one came to the door . I tried my key , but it wouldn 't work . I went back to the stairwell and sat there until I heard someone coming . I hid around a corner and saw the woman I 'd seen coming out of the shower yesterday . She was coming upstairs with a small dog . She went into the apartment for a second and came out carrying a bag of garbage and made her way down the stairs again . I ran for the door and was thrilled to find it was unlocked . I ran into the closet as the dog barked . I pushed aside the large box blocking the door to the room . I pulled on the nob but it was locked , I panicked as I heard the door to the apartment open and footsteps coming to the door . I tried my apartment key in the door and it worked . I closed the door and locked it . I set the dials and pushed the start button . The room shook for a moment and then stopped . We went to Google and before I typed anything in I told him some of my story ; that I had been a semi successful psychic to the somewhat well - known going by the name of Bethany Gayle which was a combination of my middle name and my mother 's maiden name . I told him that I had bought a used car and that it was a lemon that was a lemon that was always breaking down . I told him I 'd taken the car in to have the transmission worked on . I told him that was where I met Steve , the man who was to eventually ruin my life . We went to my old company web page and found that it was still there . I breathed a sigh of relief . something must have changed , because before my trip back in time for non - payment . I went to the old company Facebook page and found it still intact . The Twitter page was still there as well . " I guess so he said . He went into the kitchen to get something to drink . I attempted to go to my old secret blog , but it had been taken down . Most of them were just work orders , people asking for party bookings . From what I would tell I was still doing about three parties a week . We noticed there were about three E mails from a Katrina Faller that I had never responded to they were all just party requests . I arrived at the posh apartment building at 8 : 30 PM . I was greeted by Mr . Peterman who led upstairs to the penthouse . I began setting up my table . My hands shook a little as I pulled out my old purple velvet table cloth . My eyes welled up a bit , I didn 't realized how much I 'd missed this . It seemed so silly , I mean it was all a bunch of lies anyway , but as I set out my candles and my tip jar I realized what I missed the most was the respect I got when I did a reading . I 'd never gotten much respect back in the Midwest , they 'd taken one look at my pale skin and noticed the tremors in my hands and thought that I was someone to kick . It was the same way in Los Angeles at first , in fact it was worse for the first year , and then I 'd started doing readings . After I started getting well know , a rumor had started that my skin was so pale because of the light inside me and my hands shook when the spirits were speaking to me . Although I always sniggered at the delusional minds of Angelinos , I secretly understood . I had always found reality to be horribly depressing . I wished that I could believe in magic , but I just couldn 't . The people who came up to my table always went away happy , knowing that something good was coming their way , that whatever happened , happened for a reason and that the universe was fundamentally a just place . I knew what a bunch of hogwash I was selling . I knew that everything happened for a reason and that reason was that people were greedy shits . I knew how dangerous it was to think that everything that happened , just couldn 't be helped . I knew how lazy and complacent that way of thinking could make people . At the same time I wanted the money and I liked the power . Every time I thought of quitting I remembered what it was like to be poor . Every time I felt guilty about lying , I remembered how people treated me when I was honest . There was the guest of honor , a short man who reminded me a little of Dustin Hoffman . He wanted to know if he should start his own business . I had Googled him and I knew that he was a manger of music for a big company . I had remembered that five years ago I told him he should wait another five years before starting his own company and if he did wonderful things would happen . I wanted to give him something to look forward to . This time I told him that he should start the company in one year . A lady with auburn hair came up to the table and sat down . I greeted her as if we were old friends . I remembered that she had started off by asking if she should buy a beach house and then confessed that she thought her husband was having an affair . I told her that no matter what the universe would provide for her . I also told her to get the beach house and put it in her name . A year later she 'd found a receipt for the Beverly Hilton in her husband 's wallet for December 2nd when he said he had to work late . She confronted him and he left her and she was living in that beach house . This time I was more specific . She turned white when I said it . She grabbed a drink off a passing tray and began to cry . I told her that amazing things were going to happen to her as a result of this tragedy . I headed home in the cab with $ 600 in my purse . The next day I sat in my old apartment all day . As far as I knew all I had to do was simply not buy the car . While I waited I watched TV and surfed the net remember all the various celebrity scandals that had happened five years ago . I checked e mail and was glad to see that I didn 't have anything that need attention that day . I hesitantly went to my old blog . There it was , Confessions of a Fake Psychic . The only picture was that of a pink hat that I found at the bus stop the first night I did readings . I kept my identity and the identity of my clients well hidden , it was the only place I could really say what I thought and it was my way of reminding myself who I really was . I read a couple of the entries . I hadn 't even written THAT entry yet . I looked at the blog hits , it was pretty ironic how I hadn 't even gotten twenty hits a day . I thought about erasing everything , but I thought better of it . If I didn 't buy the car it wouldn 't break down . If the car didn 't break down there would have no reason to go to a mechanic , if I hadn 't gone to the mechanics , I wouldn 't have met Steve . I lay in bed that night waiting for the 6 : 00 AM alarm to go off . I wondered how I checked to make sure I had the key to my future apartment at least 30 times . I hoped the key would work , I tried to make a plan if it didn 't . I 'd only met Tom , my new roommate briefly . Tom 's last roommate had run off without paying the rent and he was desperate to find someone new . I noticed that he was kind of nice looking , tall with dark hair and around thirty five . I 'd felt a bit inferior being short , a little plump and pimply with hair that refused to do what I told it to . He told me he was in the business of selling travel packages and I told him I was unemployed . I decided not to mention my former career until I got to know him better . At first , I was a bit disappointed . There was a plain storage bed with a non - descript blue bedspread flanked by two night stands . I snooped through the draws and found tee - shirts and blue jeans , a few Playboy 's , condoms and a copy of On the Road . There were pictures of family and a movie poster or two on the walls . In the drawer there was a picture of Tom shaking hands with a young Andy Kaufman and a poster from a Dali exhibit in San Francisco . I entered the closet only to find , a couple of nice suits and many button up shirts and Dockers . I moved an empty suitcase out of my way and that 's when I saw a door with a golden nob . I opened it and found myself in a small booth . On the wall of the booth were three dials one said day month and year , another said time of day and another still said location . I quickly shut the door and replaced the suitcase . I went back to my room and thought about what I just saw . It couldn 't be . It had to be some sort of joke . Maybe the apartment had been used in a movie . The next day I went to a French fry tasting focus group . I got back , with $ 75 . 00 in my pocket , feeling very full and wanting a nap . I realized Tom would be home in the morning , so I snuck into the room for one more look . I opened the closet door and went towards the booth . I heard the apartment door open and shut outside . I started for the door of Tom 's room , but it was too late . He opened the closet door and saw me . " That 's the frustrating part . You see it has limited abilities . I can travel back in time but the place lever is stuck in Los Angeles and not only Los Angeles , but this particular apartment which was built in 1976 . " Cant you just go back a couple of days . I mean you could win the lottery . In fact today is Friday , the lottery is on tonight . I said hopefully . I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea . I could go back to any time in my life after the age of one . The possibilities seemed endless . I decided to go back five years when I had made a terrible decision to buy a used car that was a total lemon and that I had totaled in an accident . Tom set the dials while I watched . He exited the tiny room and closed the door . I pushed the start button and the room started to vibrate . There was a loud screeching noise and then , nothing . There was no response . I stepped out of the tiny room into the closet . This time it was packed full of women 's clothing . I crept to the door and opened it to find a very pink bedroom decorated with elaborate pillows and a Johnny Depp poster . I walked out the door and started towards the living room . I was stopped when I felt a pair of eyes on me . I turned to see a red - headed woman wrapped in a towel staring at me in horror . 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This is the story of Buddy , a shelter dog who was deemed " aggressive and vicious " and " unadoptable " by the powers - that - be at the Devore Animal Shelter , and the battle that ensued to save his life . Just because a vet deems a dog " aggressive and vicious " doesn 't mean he 's " unadoptable " . It just means he 's unbalanced and needs someone to get him re - balanced . This is our story of doing just that with Buddy . Enjoy ! I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 8 : 10 . I checked in at the front desk and told them I was there to pick up some " Ace " , that Jenifer had called Dr . Saldanha earlier and spoke to him about it . I anxiously waited forty minutes , at which time , a gal named Emma came out to talk to me . She held up a bottle of pills and said , " Now , I 've given you five pills in here . Start off with one and wait a half hour . If that doesn 't seem to be making him drowsy , then you can give him another one and then wait a half hour . If he still doesn 't look drowsy after a half hour , then you can give him a half of another one . " I said , " Okay . Thank you so much . We 'll bring Buddy back as soon as we can get him here . " I got to Jenifer 's house at 9 : 15 . I parked right outside her gate and left my keys in the ignition in case I needed to make a quick get - away ( I was planning ahead ! ) . She met me and we walked to the back patio where Buddy was laying in his kennel . I had brought a tube of liverwurst with me ( Buddy 's favorite ) , and I pushed one pill into a ball of it . I walked into Buddy 's kennel and held out the liverwurst to him , and he promptly ate it . Good dog ! No spitting out the pill . That 's the way I like it . I had also brought a jar of Fly - Off with me . This is a cream that you can apply to a dog 's coat to keep the flies off of him . Claudia and I picked it up the night before as we noticed that while Buddy was in the Shelter , the flies were eating him alive . This was due to the fact that he needed a bath desperately . We also noticed the night before that they had been hovering around him at Jenifer 's due to his bloody mouth . Jenifer told me , " While we 're waiting , why don 't you go ahead and put some of that Fly - Off on him . " At this time , I took some of the Fly - Off and rubbed it between my hands and then rubbed it on Buddy 's shoulders and body area . It was rather greasy and oily and made him look dirtier than he was , but we had to try to do something about the flies as they were driving him crazy . Jenifer and I sat back and talked while we waited for thirty minutes to go by . While we were talking , I told Jenifer , " I have to be honest with you . Claudia is not going to be taking this dog . I am . " Jenifer gave me a look of concern and said , " Wait a minute . That 's not what Claudia told Sean at the Foundation . " I then explained that Claudia had never planned on taking Buddy , that we had originally planned to just get him off the street and find him a good home as Claudia knew some people in the high desert that were looking for a large dog . However , I told her that since we went through hell to save this dog , I wasn 't about to let him go to some stranger , that I would be taking him instead . Jenifer then replied , " Well , that 's good because you have the stronger personality anyway . I think you 're a better fit for him than Claudia . " Jenifer then asked me if Claudia realized that she 's possibly looking at having to spend several thousand dollars to rehab and get Buddy the medical care he needs . . I told her that Claudia realized it was going to cost quite a bit to rehab and treat him , that we had discussed it the night before and her response to me was , " It 's for a good cause . I just paid off my car and my credit card , so the timing is good . " She then confirmed that Claudia was willing to pay for Buddy 's rehab even though she wouldn 't be keeping him , and I said she was . Jenifer said , " Wow , what a friend ! That 's amazing . Lori , this is an incredible opportunity for you . You have someone willing to provide the financial backing for you . This will be an incredible training program that you 'll get to go through . Can you imagine , you 're going to be training with the same techniques Cesar uses . I will teach you them . How do you feel about that ? " I told her I was ecstatic to have such an opportunity - - I was thrillled ! Jenifer then said she would train both Claudia and I in the techniques Cesar uses and there 'd be no extra charge for training both of us . We could attend all the training sessions together . I thought it was a grWe then sat back and continued to watch Buddy , and we both noticed , this guy wasn 't even close to being drowsy . I looked at Jenifer and she looked at me , and I said , " How about another one ? " She said , " Sounds good to me . " So I took another ball of liverwurst and shoved a pill into the middle of it and handed it to him . Down the hatch it went , no problem ! Good boy , Buddy ! You take pills so well . We then sat back and waited another thirty minutes . At one point , we noticed Buddy 's eyes were looking kind of strange , like he might just be starting to get drowsy . At this time , Jenifer handed me a choke chain and said , " Here Lori . Try putting this on him . " I sat down next to Buddy and petted him for a few seconds . I then slowly started to put the choke chain over his head . That brought immediate , swift action on his part and he whipped his head around towards me and clicked his teeth together . I looked at Jenifer and said , " Nope ! He 's not ready for that . " At this time , I had been there an hour . We had given Buddy two pills , and he didn 't appear to be getting too drowsy . I asked Jenifer , " So , should we give him a half like they said or a whole ? " She said , " Ah , let 's just give him a whole one . " So I shoved another pill in a ball of liverwurst , and he again ate it with no problem . I wish my dogs at home took pills as well as this guy ! And then we waited . . . . . . . . some more . After about twenty minutes or so , Jenifer told me to try to put the choke chain on Buddy again . At this time , I was standing over him as he was now standing also . As I reached down and started to move the choke chain near his face , he suddenly jumped up , towards my face , and I could clearly hear him click his teeth at me , twice . He had just jumped up to my face level , where I had to lunge backwards , and looked me right in the eye ! I 'm 5 ' 7 " tall , so this guy can jump when he wants to ! I was quite shocked and surprised of course , and I looked to Jenifer for some kind of reassurance or something . She simply looked at me , kind of chuckled , and said , " Oh , that ain 't nothing . You should have seen what he did to me yesterday ! If he really wanted to get you , he would have lunged at you . " Oh , so that was just a warning , huh ? Exactly , she said . And then she said , " Gosh , I wish we had that on camera ! " Yeah …… . me too ! I then went and sat by Jenifer and said , " Okay , now what ? Do we go for four or what ? Can you give a dog more than three and they 're okay ? " I then told her what Emma had told me and how she had stopped at two - and - a - half with her instructions . Jenifer said , " I don 't know . Let 's call the vet and find out . " So she picked up her cell phone and called the vet 's office . I heard her say , " Hi , this is Jenifer . We 've given Buddy three Ace and he 's still not drowsy and is quite coherent . Can we give him all five if we need to ? " After several more seconds , she got off the phone and turned to me and said , " Yep , we can give him all five if we need to . " Really ? She said , " Yep , let 's do it . " So , I shoved another Ace pill into a ball of liverwurst and held it out to him . Again , he took it ever so gently and swallowed it . Even though he 's getting drowsy , he 's still able to eat and is gentle while doing so . That 's good . . . . . . . because we 've got one more pill left . . . . . . . . . if needed . . . . . . . . We again waited and watched Buddy . He was getting drowsy , very drowsy . However , as he laid there and tried to fall asleep , every time he laid his head down on his paws as if he was going to go to sleep , a fly would land on him and he 'd wake himself up , snapping at it . We watched this happen over and over again , and I told Jenifer , " He 's never going to get to sleep . The flys won 't leave him alone . Poor guy . " She agreed . So much for the Fly - Off huh ! ( And that stuff wasn 't cheap ! ) At this time , we could see Buddy was nowhere close to falling asleep , and we were running out of time . When Jenifer had called about the Ace , she was told we had to have Buddy to the vet by noon because they closed from noon to 2 : 00 p . m . for lunch . It was now 11 : 10 . At this time , Jenifer said , " Let 's go ahead and give him one more . We don 't have much time . " So I shoved another pill into some liverwurst and down the hatch it went . We waited about twenty minutes and it was obvious that the Ace was now taking affect . Buddy was staggering and having trouble standing . I again triedSo , Jenifer walked into the kennel and headed towards Buddy , holding the tennis racket in one hand and the choke chain in the other . She also had attached another leash onto the leash that was on the choke chain as she said we 'd need the extra length to get Buddy into the car . As she moved towards him , he moved to his left and started to walk into the swimming pool that was in his kennel . He seemed to have second thoughts about that as he dunked one foot in the water and then immediatley backed up , against the side of the kennel . Jenifer stood to the side of him and held the tennis racket near his face , which he of course then latched onto . As he was biting on the tennis racket , she took the choke chain and held it near his face . He let go of the tennis racket and immediately pushed his face up against the fence of the kennel , as if to say , " As long as I leave my face pressed up against this fence , you can 't get that chain on me ! " He 's right - - she couldn 't ! He kept his face there for quite some time until Jenifer took her trusty tennis racket and lightly tapped the side of his face with it . She only wanted him to move his head ever so slightly so she could slip the chain over it , and move it he did ! He turned to bite at the racket and over went the choke chain ! Yes ! Choke chain 's on . Now to get him out of the kennel and to the car . Jenifer immediately pulled / led Buddy out of the kennel and towards my car . He , of course , resisted , but she just kept on steadily pulling him forward . We had less than 17 minutes for me to get this dog to the vet by noon , and it was at least a ten minute drive for me to get there . Seven minutes to work her magic and get him into the car . I immediately went to my car and opened both back doors . As Jenifer got near my car , Buddy really started resisting her efforts to lead him towards my car . At this time , she diverted Buddy 's attention away from the car and started walking ( yes , he was walking at this time , though she was having to pull him ) him around her yard to get him to move forward without so much resistance . She walked him in a U - shaped pattern and then headed back towards my car . As she did this , Buddy immediately started fighting and biting the leash chain ( remember - - he bit through a nylon leash so Jenifer had to use a chain leash ) . I said , " My gosh ! Look at him fight still ! " Jenifer said , " He thinks he 's fighting for his life . He 's not , but he thinks he is . " She then put the tennis racket towards his face and he latched onto that . The poor dog - - his teeth and gums were bleeding from biting the tennis racket and leash chain but there was nothing we could do . We had to get him into this car . If only he would realize we were trying to help him . At this time , Jenifer said , " Lori , you 're going to have to change his name . Buddy just doesn 't fit him . " I replied , " Yeah , when you hear the name ' Buddy ' , you think of a little Beagle with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging . Not this . " We both agreed . As she got near my car , Jenifer told me , " I 'm going to throw the leash into the back seat . You stand on the other side and grab it when I throw it in . " I said , " Okay . Gotcha . " She pulled Buddy towards the door and then got him close enough to throw the leash on the back seat . She threw the leash onto the seat and I then quickly grabbed it . However , at this time , Buddy still wasn 't ready to get into the car willingly . As soon as I grabbed the leash , he pulled backwards , pulling me across the seat of the car , towards the other side . I tried to pull him back into the car , at which time , he jumped up , twisted around , and bit the arm rest on the door ! Jenifer cried out , " Oh . . . . your beautiful car ! " I looked and there were two puncture marks in the arm rest , along with some drops of blood ( not much though ) . I just looked at her , with a " Whatcha gonna do ? " look . I held on to the leash , and then Buddy all of a sudden got the bright idea to crawl under the car . At this time , Jenifer grabbed the leash from me and started to try to pull him back out . I immediately climbed out of the car and went to her side and assisted her in pulling him out from under the car . He had " wedged " himself in so tight under my car , it took both of us pulling on his leash with all our strength to get him out . I felt bad as the choke chain was as tight as it could possibly be around his neck , I was afraid we were going to severely hurt him . I asked Jenifer " Are we hurting him ? " and she said , " No " . I couldn 't even think about it at the moment anyway as our immediate goal was to get him out of the car . With both of us pulling , we were finally able to get him out from under the car . Buddy immediately went and leaned up against the side of the left passenger door , and Jenifer kept him there using her tennis racket . He was looking up at Jenifer , growling and snarling . She gently nudged him with the tennis racket and said , " Dude , the only safe place is in the car . " By now , Buddy was panting heavily and was totally exhausted . Remember , he 's got 5 , yes 5 , Acepromaxine in him , when you shouldn 't have to give a dog more than two . He 's hurt , all over probably , and what we just had to put him through didn 't help any aches and pains he originally had . He 'd been living on the streets and then at the shelter and isn 't in the best of shape and is rather thin . Where the dog got the energy and stamina to put up such a fight is beyond either one of us . Jenifer even said , " I can 't believe the fight this dog has in him with five Ace in him . This is unreal . " As Buddy sat there panting , looking up at Jenifer , to our astonishment , he literally turned around and climbed into the car ! We were both shocked ! Jenifer said , " I don 't believe it ! He 's in the car . I wish we had this on camera . Now , hurry , go . I 'll open the gate and call the vet and let them know you 're on your way . I immediately jumped in my car and thanks to my planning for a quick get - away , I was able to start backing up and met Jenifer at the gate . She opened the gate to her driveway , and I backed out and headed to the vet 's office as fast as I safely could . While I was driving , I looked in the back and noticed Buddy was initially on the floorboard . A few minutes later , I saw that he was slowly climbing onto the back seat as he had half his body on the seat and the other half on the floorboard still . After another minute or so , he slowly pulled the rest of his body up onto the seat . The poor guy was so exhausted . He just laid there with his head resting on his paws , panting heavily . I hated that he had to go through all this , but we had to get him the medical care he needed and now as his jaw looked terrible . I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 12 : 03 and pulled up next to one of the entrance doors on the side . I ran into the office and said , " We 're here ! " The receptionist looked at me kind of strangely and said , " Who ? " I said , " Buddy . We got him in the car and he 's here . " She said , " Oh , okay . Hold on a minute . Where are you parked ? " I told her , " Right outside that side door . " She then went to the back for a moment and then came back and told me , " Go on out to your car . They 'll be right out to get him . " I walked out to my car and looked in the window at Buddy . He was still lying on the seat , resting . After a minute or so , Emma came out with two male assistants . She was holding a come - along and I told her , " Please , let 's not use that unless we absolutely have to . I think you can just get out him out using a leash right now as he 's quite sedated . " One of the male assistants then reached in and put a leash over Buddy 's head and pulled him out of the car . He didn 't exactly go willingly , but he didn 't put up a fight either . They lead him into the vet 's office , and I went and parked my car in the parking lot . I went back into the lobby and was told I 'd need to wait for the vet to meet with me . I waited for approximately thirty minutes and then was led into a room to wait for Dr . Saldanha . He came in and sat down . He was very attractive for a " bald " guy ( shaved head ) with huge brown eyes . He looked at me and said , " Your dog has a lot of issues , you know ? " I said , " Yeah , I know , but that 's why we hired Jenifer as our trainer . " He said , " Well , you got the best then , but don 't tell her I said that because I don 't want her head to swell . " He then proceeded to go over his findings with me . He said Buddy was about 5 - 7 years old , but he wasn 't sure because he had chewed on metal at some point in his life and wore his teeth down , so it was hard to say . He could actually be as young as three . Dr . Saldanha said Buddy had two fractured teeth , and they would be removing them . The jaw obviously looked bad , and they would operate and put stitches inside and outside . Some stitches would dissolve , but some would have to be removed . They would be checking him for parasites and any other diseases and would be doing a great deal of blood work . In addition , he would be neutered and have a bath . Then came the bad news . Dr . Saldanha pulled out a sheet of paper and turned it towards me . The price estimate was between $ 1 , 800 and $ 2 , 200 . He wanted to give me an idea of what we were facing as far as cost , and that 's what we were looking at . I told him that I 'd need to call my friend as she was the one picking up the cost for Buddy 's medical care . He then stepped out and I called Claudia and told her " the news " . She said to go ahead , that we needed to get the medical care done . At this point , we couldn 't exactly negotiate anyway , so what choice did we have . It 's not like we could shop around Not with this dog . Dr . Saldanha came back into the room a few minutes later , and I told him , " Okay , let 's do it . Whatever needs to be done , we 'll do . " He then told me that Buddy would be ready in a couple hours and he left the room . While I was waiting for someone to come back with all the paperwork I needed to sign , the two male assistants who had gotten Buddy out of my car earlier came into the room . The one told me , " We need you to go and get the biggest crate you can find . We want to be able to do what we need to do with this dog and then when he wakes up , have him in the crate already . We don 't want to fight with putting him back in the car or a crate . " I replied , " I don 't either ! " He then said , " You need to get the biggest crate you can get because he 's going to have an E - collar on when he wakes up , so we need the extra room for his collar . " I admit , I was quite overwhelmed at this point because I didn 't even know if a crate the size they were talking about would fit in my car , even if it was taken apart and in two pieces . I didn 't have a truck and couldn 't even try to borrow one because I only had a couple hours to get the crate they needed . I told them I would see what I could do about finding one , and they left the room . A short time later , a female assistant came in and had me sign all the necessary paperwork . She told me to call in a couple hours and see how Buddy was doing and plan on picking him up later that day . I agreed to do so and went out to my car . As I said , at this time , I was very overwhelmed . It seemed nothing was going right . First , we had to give Buddy all five Ace and put him through hell just to get him into the car . Now , I have to run out and find a crate big enough for him , and there was no way it was going to fit in my car . I called Jenifer and told her what I had been told about a crate . She reassured me that everything would be okay , that I just needed to come back to her house , and she would see if the size crate we needed would fit in her car . She had one in her spare bedroom for Solomon ( one of the dogs she trains ) so she 'd measure it . If it did , then we 'd go get one at Petco , down the street . She made it sound so easy , and I felt so much better . That 's why I called her - - I knew she 'd have an answer . I got to Jenifer 's house and met her mom , Yolanda , at this time . She was very nice and reassured me that everything would be fine , and Buddy was going to be just fine too . I could see where her daughter got her calm , reassuring demeanor - - it appeared to be from her mother . After Yolanda left , Jenifer told me she had measured the biggest crate she had and it would fit in her car . We then got into her car and went to Petco to pick up the crate . Jenifer walked in , looked around , found the largest crate in the place , and told the associate , " We need that crate . " He got it down and took it to the cash register for us . We then got a bag of Blue Buffalo dog food and headed to the cashier . $ 300 later , I carried the dog food and Jenifer and the associate carried the crate out to her car . After Jenifer lifted up the back seat in her car , the crate fit perfectly in the back of her Honda Element . There 's one good purpose for those funky - looking cars ! We then headed to the vet 's office . We got there and took the crate in through the back door . As we carried it in , I saw Buddy lying on a table , with Emma and a vet assistant working over him . I guess they were bathing him as they were rubbing his fur with towels . Poor guy - - he was dead to the world with some tube leading out of his mouth . We then left and on the way to Jenifer 's house , she looked at the time and said , " I 'm starving . How about some lunch ? " I said " Sure " and we stopped at a Subway . Since Jenifer came through for me on purchasing the crate , I gladly bought her lunch ! As we got back into Jenifer 's car , I checked my cell phone and found that I missed a call from the vet 's office . I called the office and they said Buddy was ready to be picked up . We got to the office and we were lead into a room and told to wait for Emma to come talk to us . After a few minutes , Emma came in and gave us a rundown on everything Dr . Saldanha had done to Buddy . She said he had neutered him , pulled two fractured teeth , ran blood tests to check for parasites and any other diseases he might have , gave him all his shots , and stitched up his jaw . She then provided us with after - care instructions and said Buddy would be sedated for probably 24 hours as it would take that long for the Ace to wear off . She said he would more than likely sleep until tomorrow afternoon . We could give a small amount of wet dog food and water only . At this time , I asked Emma about Buddy 's jaw . She indicated there was a really bad infection in the jaw and they had to put stitches on both the outside and the inside of the jaw to repair it . I indicated the jaw injury was from his fighting the come - along when he was taken to the Shelter and when he was removed from the Shelter and taken to Jenifer 's . Emma immediately said , " Oh no . This injury isn 't from the come - along . This is an older injury . It 's not recent . He 's had it for quite some time as there was a lot of dead , infected tissue that had to be removed . It was quite nasty once we got in there and started cleaning it out . " I replied that I thought it was from the come - along and she reiterated that no , it was not a recent injury . I was shocked to hear this and realized the dog must have endured an incredible amount of pain . No wonder he was growling and snapping at people . He was in excruciating pain . He had two fractured teeth and a nasty tear in his jaw and he 's fighting and biting on the metal pole of a come - along . I can 't even imagine the pain he must have been in and endured . Thank God dogs live in the moment and he wouldn 't dwell on all the pain he 's had to endure in his life . We finished talking to Emma and then went to the front counter so I could sign paperwork and take care of the " damages " . I was presented an invoice and should have been sitting down . The total for this vet visit was $ 2 , 647 - slightly higher than what I had been quoted earlier . I wondered why no one called me to advise me of the difference in cost , but then realized they had probably got to working on Buddy and found he needed more care than originally anticipated . Besides , there was nothing we could do . We needed to do what 's best for Buddy , and I was sure they did exactly that . Jenifer pulled her car up next to the building and Buddy was brought out in his crate . The crate was placed in the back of Jenifer 's car and we looked inside at him . He had an E - collar on and he was lying in his crate , quite sedated at this time . He was barely able to hold his eyes open while looking up at us . I made the comment that a good day of sleep is exactly what he needed , and Jenifer agreed . We proceeded to Jenifer 's house and she called her Dad and asked him to meet us there so he could help us unload Buddy 's crate . As we pulled into the driveway , Jenifer 's Dad , Alan , was already there and he followed us to the car . We all three lifted the crate out of the car and carried it to Buddy 's kennel area . We put the crate inside the kennel in the corner and took the door off so he could go in and out at will . It was obvious that Buddy was going to stay in his crate for the time being and he 'd sleep for the rest of the night . We talked with Alan for a while and then he left . Jenifer and I talked for a short time and I asked her about taking Buddy back to the vet to get his stitches out . I asked her how we 'd plan on doing that without ripping his mouth back open if we put him on a leash . I suggested that we just put him in the crate and then put the crate in the car , but Jenifer replied , " No , he has to learn to ride in the car sooner or later . " I felt sick to my stomach as I couldn 't stand the thought of again putting the dog through what we had put him through that day to get him in the car . I thought to myself , " Well , we 've got two weeks to figure out something . " Jenifer must have seen my apprehension as she said , " I 'm not going to worry about it for two weeks and don 't you either . We 'll worry about it then . " I said " Okay " and then I headed home as I was quite exhausted from the mental strain of the last week and a half , along with the stress just from today . It had been a very long day , but at least we succeeded in getting Buddy to the vet and getting him the care he so desperately needed . One hurdle down ; one more to go - the next and hopefully last vet visit . I tried to tell myself , " Don 't worry about it . It 's not for two weeks " , but that didn 't help much as the whole idea just stressed me out . The dog had been through so much already . I didn 't want to put him through anymore . We 'll see what the next two weeks hold . . . . . . .
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This is the story of Buddy , a shelter dog who was deemed " aggressive and vicious " and " unadoptable " by the powers - that - be at the Devore Animal Shelter , and the battle that ensued to save his life . Just because a vet deems a dog " aggressive and vicious " doesn 't mean he 's " unadoptable " . It just means he 's unbalanced and needs someone to get him re - balanced . This is our story of doing just that with Buddy . Enjoy ! I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 8 : 10 . I checked in at the front desk and told them I was there to pick up some " Ace " , that Jenifer had called Dr . Saldanha earlier and spoke to him about it . I anxiously waited forty minutes , at which time , a gal named Emma came out to talk to me . She held up a bottle of pills and said , " Now , I 've given you five pills in here . Start off with one and wait a half hour . If that doesn 't seem to be making him drowsy , then you can give him another one and then wait a half hour . If he still doesn 't look drowsy after a half hour , then you can give him a half of another one . " I said , " Okay . Thank you so much . We 'll bring Buddy back as soon as we can get him here . " I got to Jenifer 's house at 9 : 15 . I parked right outside her gate and left my keys in the ignition in case I needed to make a quick get - away ( I was planning ahead ! ) . She met me and we walked to the back patio where Buddy was laying in his kennel . I had brought a tube of liverwurst with me ( Buddy 's favorite ) , and I pushed one pill into a ball of it . I walked into Buddy 's kennel and held out the liverwurst to him , and he promptly ate it . Good dog ! No spitting out the pill . That 's the way I like it . I had also brought a jar of Fly - Off with me . This is a cream that you can apply to a dog 's coat to keep the flies off of him . Claudia and I picked it up the night before as we noticed that while Buddy was in the Shelter , the flies were eating him alive . This was due to the fact that he needed a bath desperately . We also noticed the night before that they had been hovering around him at Jenifer 's due to his bloody mouth . Jenifer told me , " While we 're waiting , why don 't you go ahead and put some of that Fly - Off on him . " At this time , I took some of the Fly - Off and rubbed it between my hands and then rubbed it on Buddy 's shoulders and body area . It was rather greasy and oily and made him look dirtier than he was , but we had to try to do something about the flies as they were driving him crazy . Jenifer and I sat back and talked while we waited for thirty minutes to go by . While we were talking , I told Jenifer , " I have to be honest with you . Claudia is not going to be taking this dog . I am . " Jenifer gave me a look of concern and said , " Wait a minute . That 's not what Claudia told Sean at the Foundation . " I then explained that Claudia had never planned on taking Buddy , that we had originally planned to just get him off the street and find him a good home as Claudia knew some people in the high desert that were looking for a large dog . However , I told her that since we went through hell to save this dog , I wasn 't about to let him go to some stranger , that I would be taking him instead . Jenifer then replied , " Well , that 's good because you have the stronger personality anyway . I think you 're a better fit for him than Claudia . " Jenifer then asked me if Claudia realized that she 's possibly looking at having to spend several thousand dollars to rehab and get Buddy the medical care he needs . . I told her that Claudia realized it was going to cost quite a bit to rehab and treat him , that we had discussed it the night before and her response to me was , " It 's for a good cause . I just paid off my car and my credit card , so the timing is good . " She then confirmed that Claudia was willing to pay for Buddy 's rehab even though she wouldn 't be keeping him , and I said she was . Jenifer said , " Wow , what a friend ! That 's amazing . Lori , this is an incredible opportunity for you . You have someone willing to provide the financial backing for you . This will be an incredible training program that you 'll get to go through . Can you imagine , you 're going to be training with the same techniques Cesar uses . I will teach you them . How do you feel about that ? " I told her I was ecstatic to have such an opportunity - - I was thrillled ! Jenifer then said she would train both Claudia and I in the techniques Cesar uses and there 'd be no extra charge for training both of us . We could attend all the training sessions together . I thought it was a grWe then sat back and continued to watch Buddy , and we both noticed , this guy wasn 't even close to being drowsy . I looked at Jenifer and she looked at me , and I said , " How about another one ? " She said , " Sounds good to me . " So I took another ball of liverwurst and shoved a pill into the middle of it and handed it to him . Down the hatch it went , no problem ! Good boy , Buddy ! You take pills so well . We then sat back and waited another thirty minutes . At one point , we noticed Buddy 's eyes were looking kind of strange , like he might just be starting to get drowsy . At this time , Jenifer handed me a choke chain and said , " Here Lori . Try putting this on him . " I sat down next to Buddy and petted him for a few seconds . I then slowly started to put the choke chain over his head . That brought immediate , swift action on his part and he whipped his head around towards me and clicked his teeth together . I looked at Jenifer and said , " Nope ! He 's not ready for that . " At this time , I had been there an hour . We had given Buddy two pills , and he didn 't appear to be getting too drowsy . I asked Jenifer , " So , should we give him a half like they said or a whole ? " She said , " Ah , let 's just give him a whole one . " So I shoved another pill in a ball of liverwurst , and he again ate it with no problem . I wish my dogs at home took pills as well as this guy ! And then we waited . . . . . . . . some more . After about twenty minutes or so , Jenifer told me to try to put the choke chain on Buddy again . At this time , I was standing over him as he was now standing also . As I reached down and started to move the choke chain near his face , he suddenly jumped up , towards my face , and I could clearly hear him click his teeth at me , twice . He had just jumped up to my face level , where I had to lunge backwards , and looked me right in the eye ! I 'm 5 ' 7 " tall , so this guy can jump when he wants to ! I was quite shocked and surprised of course , and I looked to Jenifer for some kind of reassurance or something . She simply looked at me , kind of chuckled , and said , " Oh , that ain 't nothing . You should have seen what he did to me yesterday ! If he really wanted to get you , he would have lunged at you . " Oh , so that was just a warning , huh ? Exactly , she said . And then she said , " Gosh , I wish we had that on camera ! " Yeah …… . me too ! I then went and sat by Jenifer and said , " Okay , now what ? Do we go for four or what ? Can you give a dog more than three and they 're okay ? " I then told her what Emma had told me and how she had stopped at two - and - a - half with her instructions . Jenifer said , " I don 't know . Let 's call the vet and find out . " So she picked up her cell phone and called the vet 's office . I heard her say , " Hi , this is Jenifer . We 've given Buddy three Ace and he 's still not drowsy and is quite coherent . Can we give him all five if we need to ? " After several more seconds , she got off the phone and turned to me and said , " Yep , we can give him all five if we need to . " Really ? She said , " Yep , let 's do it . " So , I shoved another Ace pill into a ball of liverwurst and held it out to him . Again , he took it ever so gently and swallowed it . Even though he 's getting drowsy , he 's still able to eat and is gentle while doing so . That 's good . . . . . . . because we 've got one more pill left . . . . . . . . . if needed . . . . . . . . We again waited and watched Buddy . He was getting drowsy , very drowsy . However , as he laid there and tried to fall asleep , every time he laid his head down on his paws as if he was going to go to sleep , a fly would land on him and he 'd wake himself up , snapping at it . We watched this happen over and over again , and I told Jenifer , " He 's never going to get to sleep . The flys won 't leave him alone . Poor guy . " She agreed . So much for the Fly - Off huh ! ( And that stuff wasn 't cheap ! ) At this time , we could see Buddy was nowhere close to falling asleep , and we were running out of time . When Jenifer had called about the Ace , she was told we had to have Buddy to the vet by noon because they closed from noon to 2 : 00 p . m . for lunch . It was now 11 : 10 . At this time , Jenifer said , " Let 's go ahead and give him one more . We don 't have much time . " So I shoved another pill into some liverwurst and down the hatch it went . We waited about twenty minutes and it was obvious that the Ace was now taking affect . Buddy was staggering and having trouble standing . I again triedSo , Jenifer walked into the kennel and headed towards Buddy , holding the tennis racket in one hand and the choke chain in the other . She also had attached another leash onto the leash that was on the choke chain as she said we 'd need the extra length to get Buddy into the car . As she moved towards him , he moved to his left and started to walk into the swimming pool that was in his kennel . He seemed to have second thoughts about that as he dunked one foot in the water and then immediatley backed up , against the side of the kennel . Jenifer stood to the side of him and held the tennis racket near his face , which he of course then latched onto . As he was biting on the tennis racket , she took the choke chain and held it near his face . He let go of the tennis racket and immediately pushed his face up against the fence of the kennel , as if to say , " As long as I leave my face pressed up against this fence , you can 't get that chain on me ! " He 's right - - she couldn 't ! He kept his face there for quite some time until Jenifer took her trusty tennis racket and lightly tapped the side of his face with it . She only wanted him to move his head ever so slightly so she could slip the chain over it , and move it he did ! He turned to bite at the racket and over went the choke chain ! Yes ! Choke chain 's on . Now to get him out of the kennel and to the car . Jenifer immediately pulled / led Buddy out of the kennel and towards my car . He , of course , resisted , but she just kept on steadily pulling him forward . We had less than 17 minutes for me to get this dog to the vet by noon , and it was at least a ten minute drive for me to get there . Seven minutes to work her magic and get him into the car . I immediately went to my car and opened both back doors . As Jenifer got near my car , Buddy really started resisting her efforts to lead him towards my car . At this time , she diverted Buddy 's attention away from the car and started walking ( yes , he was walking at this time , though she was having to pull him ) him around her yard to get him to move forward without so much resistance . She walked him in a U - shaped pattern and then headed back towards my car . As she did this , Buddy immediately started fighting and biting the leash chain ( remember - - he bit through a nylon leash so Jenifer had to use a chain leash ) . I said , " My gosh ! Look at him fight still ! " Jenifer said , " He thinks he 's fighting for his life . He 's not , but he thinks he is . " She then put the tennis racket towards his face and he latched onto that . The poor dog - - his teeth and gums were bleeding from biting the tennis racket and leash chain but there was nothing we could do . We had to get him into this car . If only he would realize we were trying to help him . At this time , Jenifer said , " Lori , you 're going to have to change his name . Buddy just doesn 't fit him . " I replied , " Yeah , when you hear the name ' Buddy ' , you think of a little Beagle with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging . Not this . " We both agreed . As she got near my car , Jenifer told me , " I 'm going to throw the leash into the back seat . You stand on the other side and grab it when I throw it in . " I said , " Okay . Gotcha . " She pulled Buddy towards the door and then got him close enough to throw the leash on the back seat . She threw the leash onto the seat and I then quickly grabbed it . However , at this time , Buddy still wasn 't ready to get into the car willingly . As soon as I grabbed the leash , he pulled backwards , pulling me across the seat of the car , towards the other side . I tried to pull him back into the car , at which time , he jumped up , twisted around , and bit the arm rest on the door ! Jenifer cried out , " Oh . . . . your beautiful car ! " I looked and there were two puncture marks in the arm rest , along with some drops of blood ( not much though ) . I just looked at her , with a " Whatcha gonna do ? " look . I held on to the leash , and then Buddy all of a sudden got the bright idea to crawl under the car . At this time , Jenifer grabbed the leash from me and started to try to pull him back out . I immediately climbed out of the car and went to her side and assisted her in pulling him out from under the car . He had " wedged " himself in so tight under my car , it took both of us pulling on his leash with all our strength to get him out . I felt bad as the choke chain was as tight as it could possibly be around his neck , I was afraid we were going to severely hurt him . I asked Jenifer " Are we hurting him ? " and she said , " No " . I couldn 't even think about it at the moment anyway as our immediate goal was to get him out of the car . With both of us pulling , we were finally able to get him out from under the car . Buddy immediately went and leaned up against the side of the left passenger door , and Jenifer kept him there using her tennis racket . He was looking up at Jenifer , growling and snarling . She gently nudged him with the tennis racket and said , " Dude , the only safe place is in the car . " By now , Buddy was panting heavily and was totally exhausted . Remember , he 's got 5 , yes 5 , Acepromaxine in him , when you shouldn 't have to give a dog more than two . He 's hurt , all over probably , and what we just had to put him through didn 't help any aches and pains he originally had . He 'd been living on the streets and then at the shelter and isn 't in the best of shape and is rather thin . Where the dog got the energy and stamina to put up such a fight is beyond either one of us . Jenifer even said , " I can 't believe the fight this dog has in him with five Ace in him . This is unreal . " As Buddy sat there panting , looking up at Jenifer , to our astonishment , he literally turned around and climbed into the car ! We were both shocked ! Jenifer said , " I don 't believe it ! He 's in the car . I wish we had this on camera . Now , hurry , go . I 'll open the gate and call the vet and let them know you 're on your way . I immediately jumped in my car and thanks to my planning for a quick get - away , I was able to start backing up and met Jenifer at the gate . She opened the gate to her driveway , and I backed out and headed to the vet 's office as fast as I safely could . While I was driving , I looked in the back and noticed Buddy was initially on the floorboard . A few minutes later , I saw that he was slowly climbing onto the back seat as he had half his body on the seat and the other half on the floorboard still . After another minute or so , he slowly pulled the rest of his body up onto the seat . The poor guy was so exhausted . He just laid there with his head resting on his paws , panting heavily . I hated that he had to go through all this , but we had to get him the medical care he needed and now as his jaw looked terrible . I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 12 : 03 and pulled up next to one of the entrance doors on the side . I ran into the office and said , " We 're here ! " The receptionist looked at me kind of strangely and said , " Who ? " I said , " Buddy . We got him in the car and he 's here . " She said , " Oh , okay . Hold on a minute . Where are you parked ? " I told her , " Right outside that side door . " She then went to the back for a moment and then came back and told me , " Go on out to your car . They 'll be right out to get him . " I walked out to my car and looked in the window at Buddy . He was still lying on the seat , resting . After a minute or so , Emma came out with two male assistants . She was holding a come - along and I told her , " Please , let 's not use that unless we absolutely have to . I think you can just get out him out using a leash right now as he 's quite sedated . " One of the male assistants then reached in and put a leash over Buddy 's head and pulled him out of the car . He didn 't exactly go willingly , but he didn 't put up a fight either . They lead him into the vet 's office , and I went and parked my car in the parking lot . I went back into the lobby and was told I 'd need to wait for the vet to meet with me . I waited for approximately thirty minutes and then was led into a room to wait for Dr . Saldanha . He came in and sat down . He was very attractive for a " bald " guy ( shaved head ) with huge brown eyes . He looked at me and said , " Your dog has a lot of issues , you know ? " I said , " Yeah , I know , but that 's why we hired Jenifer as our trainer . " He said , " Well , you got the best then , but don 't tell her I said that because I don 't want her head to swell . " He then proceeded to go over his findings with me . He said Buddy was about 5 - 7 years old , but he wasn 't sure because he had chewed on metal at some point in his life and wore his teeth down , so it was hard to say . He could actually be as young as three . Dr . Saldanha said Buddy had two fractured teeth , and they would be removing them . The jaw obviously looked bad , and they would operate and put stitches inside and outside . Some stitches would dissolve , but some would have to be removed . They would be checking him for parasites and any other diseases and would be doing a great deal of blood work . In addition , he would be neutered and have a bath . Then came the bad news . Dr . Saldanha pulled out a sheet of paper and turned it towards me . The price estimate was between $ 1 , 800 and $ 2 , 200 . He wanted to give me an idea of what we were facing as far as cost , and that 's what we were looking at . I told him that I 'd need to call my friend as she was the one picking up the cost for Buddy 's medical care . He then stepped out and I called Claudia and told her " the news " . She said to go ahead , that we needed to get the medical care done . At this point , we couldn 't exactly negotiate anyway , so what choice did we have . It 's not like we could shop around Not with this dog . Dr . Saldanha came back into the room a few minutes later , and I told him , " Okay , let 's do it . Whatever needs to be done , we 'll do . " He then told me that Buddy would be ready in a couple hours and he left the room . While I was waiting for someone to come back with all the paperwork I needed to sign , the two male assistants who had gotten Buddy out of my car earlier came into the room . The one told me , " We need you to go and get the biggest crate you can find . We want to be able to do what we need to do with this dog and then when he wakes up , have him in the crate already . We don 't want to fight with putting him back in the car or a crate . " I replied , " I don 't either ! " He then said , " You need to get the biggest crate you can get because he 's going to have an E - collar on when he wakes up , so we need the extra room for his collar . " I admit , I was quite overwhelmed at this point because I didn 't even know if a crate the size they were talking about would fit in my car , even if it was taken apart and in two pieces . I didn 't have a truck and couldn 't even try to borrow one because I only had a couple hours to get the crate they needed . I told them I would see what I could do about finding one , and they left the room . A short time later , a female assistant came in and had me sign all the necessary paperwork . She told me to call in a couple hours and see how Buddy was doing and plan on picking him up later that day . I agreed to do so and went out to my car . As I said , at this time , I was very overwhelmed . It seemed nothing was going right . First , we had to give Buddy all five Ace and put him through hell just to get him into the car . Now , I have to run out and find a crate big enough for him , and there was no way it was going to fit in my car . I called Jenifer and told her what I had been told about a crate . She reassured me that everything would be okay , that I just needed to come back to her house , and she would see if the size crate we needed would fit in her car . She had one in her spare bedroom for Solomon ( one of the dogs she trains ) so she 'd measure it . If it did , then we 'd go get one at Petco , down the street . She made it sound so easy , and I felt so much better . That 's why I called her - - I knew she 'd have an answer . I got to Jenifer 's house and met her mom , Yolanda , at this time . She was very nice and reassured me that everything would be fine , and Buddy was going to be just fine too . I could see where her daughter got her calm , reassuring demeanor - - it appeared to be from her mother . After Yolanda left , Jenifer told me she had measured the biggest crate she had and it would fit in her car . We then got into her car and went to Petco to pick up the crate . Jenifer walked in , looked around , found the largest crate in the place , and told the associate , " We need that crate . " He got it down and took it to the cash register for us . We then got a bag of Blue Buffalo dog food and headed to the cashier . $ 300 later , I carried the dog food and Jenifer and the associate carried the crate out to her car . After Jenifer lifted up the back seat in her car , the crate fit perfectly in the back of her Honda Element . There 's one good purpose for those funky - looking cars ! We then headed to the vet 's office . We got there and took the crate in through the back door . As we carried it in , I saw Buddy lying on a table , with Emma and a vet assistant working over him . I guess they were bathing him as they were rubbing his fur with towels . Poor guy - - he was dead to the world with some tube leading out of his mouth . We then left and on the way to Jenifer 's house , she looked at the time and said , " I 'm starving . How about some lunch ? " I said " Sure " and we stopped at a Subway . Since Jenifer came through for me on purchasing the crate , I gladly bought her lunch ! As we got back into Jenifer 's car , I checked my cell phone and found that I missed a call from the vet 's office . I called the office and they said Buddy was ready to be picked up . We got to the office and we were lead into a room and told to wait for Emma to come talk to us . After a few minutes , Emma came in and gave us a rundown on everything Dr . Saldanha had done to Buddy . She said he had neutered him , pulled two fractured teeth , ran blood tests to check for parasites and any other diseases he might have , gave him all his shots , and stitched up his jaw . She then provided us with after - care instructions and said Buddy would be sedated for probably 24 hours as it would take that long for the Ace to wear off . She said he would more than likely sleep until tomorrow afternoon . We could give a small amount of wet dog food and water only . At this time , I asked Emma about Buddy 's jaw . She indicated there was a really bad infection in the jaw and they had to put stitches on both the outside and the inside of the jaw to repair it . I indicated the jaw injury was from his fighting the come - along when he was taken to the Shelter and when he was removed from the Shelter and taken to Jenifer 's . Emma immediately said , " Oh no . This injury isn 't from the come - along . This is an older injury . It 's not recent . He 's had it for quite some time as there was a lot of dead , infected tissue that had to be removed . It was quite nasty once we got in there and started cleaning it out . " I replied that I thought it was from the come - along and she reiterated that no , it was not a recent injury . I was shocked to hear this and realized the dog must have endured an incredible amount of pain . No wonder he was growling and snapping at people . He was in excruciating pain . He had two fractured teeth and a nasty tear in his jaw and he 's fighting and biting on the metal pole of a come - along . I can 't even imagine the pain he must have been in and endured . Thank God dogs live in the moment and he wouldn 't dwell on all the pain he 's had to endure in his life . We finished talking to Emma and then went to the front counter so I could sign paperwork and take care of the " damages " . I was presented an invoice and should have been sitting down . The total for this vet visit was $ 2 , 647 - slightly higher than what I had been quoted earlier . I wondered why no one called me to advise me of the difference in cost , but then realized they had probably got to working on Buddy and found he needed more care than originally anticipated . Besides , there was nothing we could do . We needed to do what 's best for Buddy , and I was sure they did exactly that . Jenifer pulled her car up next to the building and Buddy was brought out in his crate . The crate was placed in the back of Jenifer 's car and we looked inside at him . He had an E - collar on and he was lying in his crate , quite sedated at this time . He was barely able to hold his eyes open while looking up at us . I made the comment that a good day of sleep is exactly what he needed , and Jenifer agreed . We proceeded to Jenifer 's house and she called her Dad and asked him to meet us there so he could help us unload Buddy 's crate . As we pulled into the driveway , Jenifer 's Dad , Alan , was already there and he followed us to the car . We all three lifted the crate out of the car and carried it to Buddy 's kennel area . We put the crate inside the kennel in the corner and took the door off so he could go in and out at will . It was obvious that Buddy was going to stay in his crate for the time being and he 'd sleep for the rest of the night . We talked with Alan for a while and then he left . Jenifer and I talked for a short time and I asked her about taking Buddy back to the vet to get his stitches out . I asked her how we 'd plan on doing that without ripping his mouth back open if we put him on a leash . I suggested that we just put him in the crate and then put the crate in the car , but Jenifer replied , " No , he has to learn to ride in the car sooner or later . " I felt sick to my stomach as I couldn 't stand the thought of again putting the dog through what we had put him through that day to get him in the car . I thought to myself , " Well , we 've got two weeks to figure out something . " Jenifer must have seen my apprehension as she said , " I 'm not going to worry about it for two weeks and don 't you either . We 'll worry about it then . " I said " Okay " and then I headed home as I was quite exhausted from the mental strain of the last week and a half , along with the stress just from today . It had been a very long day , but at least we succeeded in getting Buddy to the vet and getting him the care he so desperately needed . One hurdle down ; one more to go - the next and hopefully last vet visit . I tried to tell myself , " Don 't worry about it . It 's not for two weeks " , but that didn 't help much as the whole idea just stressed me out . The dog had been through so much already . I didn 't want to put him through anymore . We 'll see what the next two weeks hold . . . . . . .
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So this past weekend , Asher hopped on one foot , five times in a row before losing his balance . However , he could not stand on one foot for more than a second ; he really struggled with finding a balance point . On the flip side , Asher 's sister , who is one year younger , could not hop on one foot more than two times , but she could stand on one foot for a long long time , well over a count to 25 . Next break is a four day weekend , soon , and he 'll turn 6 then . We 're still trying to plan what to do . A little driving trip is probably in sight . Since I wanted to put a baby gate around the Christmas tree ( to protect it from babies and pets and the babies and pets from it ) , I moved part of our sectional couch out of the corner of the family room , pushing it up against two other sections of couch , and we put up our tree in the corner . It is beautiful . I like it . I want to keep it up ALL year . Anyway . . . . So , now there is the high back part of the curved sectional piece kind of sticking out in the room . Asher likes to sit up on it , while he and Alexa play on the computer at the desk . But , he also likes to stand on it and balance and jump off onto the floor below . My son has never jumped off of something that high ( 3 feet ? ) off the floor . Mainly because he couldn 't do it before . But , now he can . Two weeks ago , or was it last week , anyway , he wanted me to help him on the monkey bars , so I did . But , mostly he got up there , hung from one bar , and then realized he couldn 't move to the next bar but was scared to let go . So , I taught him to not be scared . I told him to jump down to land on his feet and when he hit the ground to bend his knees . We have more than four inches ( probably almost six inches under the monkey bar section ) of rubber mulch under our playground , so I 'm not too worried about him jumping down that far . But , I am a bit more worried about him at school , where there is just sand , and a bunch of ' wild ' kids , so I wanted to teach him to fall safely . And , he just kept doing it , over and over again on his monkey bars at home . Climbing up , hanging from the first bar , then letting go and dropping to the ground . It was after that , that he started to jump high off the couch sectional , as I described above . Every time he did it , I cringed . Tonight , I started to get mad a bit , because now his baby brother , almost 17 months old , is starting to imitate him . Ah . . . . now my stomach is in knots . Hello . Lets not jump off the couch like that . Asher always did like to run and jump on the couch like it was a trampoline . I did a scrapbook page one time , titling it , " LetSo , about his physical strength . . . . when I watch him run , after he gets home from school , he takes a huge , huge stride and really swings his arms and really moves his hips . I 'm amazed watching him . He has come home from school and said his friends are always faster than him . He says , " D and B just go running right past me and get way ahead of me . " The thing is , now that he started eating his lunch again ( he went a week or so without eating and he was getting physically exhausted ) , when he gets off the bus , he wants to walk home , even run . Alexa wants to run with him . If she gets anywhere near him , from behind , he turns around and yells at her to , " Get away ! " " Stop it ! " And , I 'm not sure what the right thing to do is , but I want him to win , sometimes . I ask Alexa to let Asher beat her home . And , he is fast , but after a full day of school , come 3pm , he 's pretty tired , physically . If it were in the morning , I think he could beat Alexa in a running race . Anyway . . . . He 's growing up , so fast , right before my eyes . If I ever doubted my decision not to put him into formal physical therapy , I don 't anymore . One half a year in kindergarten , two to three recesses a day , PE every eight days I think it is , has helped him so much ! And , I 'm not taking him out of the classroom for PT at school , where he is learning to read and write , which at this point is more important at school since I struggle getting him to ' study ' at home . He has so much more confidence now that he 's in school . He 's gaining independence . He 's maturing and amazing me , every week . Two more days of school and second quarter is over . He then has two weeks off for winter break . I 'm also excited , because in January he has a couple of days off of school , and they happen to land right before his 6th birthday and right after , giving us a long four day weekend . So , we 're hoping to take a little trip . We 'll see how it plays out . Here 's a conversation while doing 1 1 / 2 hours of kindergarten homework , at the kitchen table , right after lunch . ( Let me add , the reason there was so much homework is I had him do about 85 % of the December homework as he was in a good mood and cruising through it so fast . And as of 12 / 16 he is all done with his December homework now . ) A " Oh . Well , I hope my heart doesn 't stop pumping then . It is going to pump and pump and pump . I 'm gunna get old . . . Ah . . . ( shaking his head a little to change his mind ) I want to live forever . " Lots to be thankful for , this year , each day . I could write a book on what I am thankful for , but I won 't . Not here . I do want to say I am thankful to the hospital staff for making Asher 's Wednesday MRI go soooo smoothly . Very happy with the care they gave him . We , of course , are still waiting the results , and most likely will get them at clinic mid - December . I 'm also thankful for my mom and her wonderful cooking . It was nice to relax and enjoy and I know she was tired , hot and feet hurt from cooking and I appreciate her so much ! We all were stuffed from Thanksgiving lunch . I 'm also thankful for my sister and her husband for making the 13 hour drive down to visit us . I could never image the chaos of getting ready to travel with 4 young kids or even actually doing it . I miss them and love seeing her 1 - 2 times a year . Asher is doing well ! However , he has started a low grade fever , yesterday , ( 100 ) , and just could not hear us the last two days . He only complained about a little pain in an ear , but asked which one , he couldn 't say . He never needed medicine for the pain or low grade fever . I am sure he has a double ear infection , or at least in one ear , so off to the doctor tomorrow . He still has a runny nose and is coughing , and this just seems on - going , and on - going . He has DIBELS testing , at school , starting tomorrow ( Dec 1 - 3 I think ) . . . . so . . . . not sure . . . . but I don 't think I 'm sending him to school tomorrow until we see the doctor . Asher had a 103 temp through the night and 104 by the time we got to the pediatrician at 9 : 45am . Nothing we did would bring it down . He 's on antibiotics for a double ear infection , starting today , for the next 10 days . Right now ( 12 : 45pm ) he 's asleep on the couch next to me . So , he 's missing school today , and tomorrow . The doc had flu shots this morning , but we 're going to wait till his ears are all better . His next set of vaccines are due in three weeks , so we can do it then . Asher will need two half doses of the flu vaccine . I started thinking this morning , as I am researching and thinking more about Asher at school . . . . he comes home from school a lot , talking about getting knocked down by a kid . It has happened so many times I have lost count . Yesterday he said , " A kid knocked me down into the concrete . See my knee . " He told me he didn 't even know the kid ( in the past , he 'd name the kid , and I recognize it from his class ) . Yesterday 's knee was actually scabbed , so I could tell it had bled . But , he said it didn 't , and that he didn 't go to the school nurse to get a band aide . I was thinking back to what the principal all said to me . One of which was how Asher 's teacher was concerned about his body movements during transition , arm movements , and speed . I assume going from one class or activity to another . I 'll bet Asher gets plowed over by other kids , who are usually always running , excited to get to where they are going . The principal wanted to know if he was in therapies right now . I gave her the run down of the evaluations we had done and that they weren 't all back yet . I did tell her that I just got back the PT one and the conclusion is that he is within normal limits and doesn 't need therapy . Interestingly enough , clinic was yesterday and I was asked , " Has his school called yet ? " I said no . So , I guess a day later and things have changed . Now I have to face reality again . I need to get outta the fog and stop pretending cancer didn 't happen . When I do this , sometimes it is hard to stop crying . Right now the tears are just flowing . . . and flowing . . . update Saturday 9 / 6 : 101 . 8 fever still , at 12pm Saturday . Slept from 8 : 30pm last night to 9 : 30am this morning . Not eating more than 2 bites a meal . Drinking though . Tylenol has been keeping the fever away , ever four hours , and he ate a huge dinner , but he went upstairs , shivering , to the den and fell asleep on the couch within minutes and by 6 : 30pm his fever reached a sudden 105 . 1 , freaking me out , but Motrin took it down to 101 . 5 by 7pm . . . . still no obvious reason for the fever , so watching him closely . . . . by 8pm his fever was gone ( temp around 99 . 6 ) and he wanted some chicken noodle soup , and now 9pm and he doesn 't sound tired . . . . yay motrin . . . . now hoping Scott will watch him around 11pm in case that fever returns , because I 'm going to bed , only got about 3 hours of sleep last night with the ding - dong ditchers ( who TP 'd our front yard and then rang our door bell ) at midnight and me not being able to fall asleep till almost 2am , and then Asher up at 5 : 30am with a fever and Andrew waking up a few minutes later and then heading out to mow the front yard and get the toilet paper outta my trees and bushes . . . . update Monday 9 / 8 : I fully intended to keep Asher home from school today , because of his fever through the evening yesterday , but I wasn 't expecting him to wake up crying with a fever so high the forehead scanner thermometer ( what is that called ? ) had " HI " as the readout , instead of a number ! For some reason when Asher gets a fever , one side of him is 2 degrees hotter than the other . So one side read 104 and the other " HI " . . . . you get the idea . I used an underarm read out of 104 . 5 to make sure I was getting the right number then . Motrin worked its magic , though , and he slept through the fever coming down to 99 . I can deal with fever associated with a reason for a fever , but it is another thing for me to emotionally , rationally deal with a fever with no known cause . So , my anxiety was going through the roof this morning , and I was almost in tears about it . Before Asher 's cancer diagnosis , I was a very laid back mom when it came to illnesses . I figured things would run their course ; no need to rush to a doctor . Nothing bad would ever happen to my kids . Lately I have been thinking about the worst possible things a fever could mean and I 've had nightmares the last two nights about very odd things . . . . Anyway . . . . he is eating just a little today , and drinking okay , and he is playing and playing since 10am , once he got up , along with another dose of Motrin . He has a pediatrician appointment tomorrow at 12 : 30 if his fever persists . Update Monday Night : Motrin is doing its job , with only 2 doses so far and one more before bed here , soon . After dinner , which he ate a very small amount of ( again ) , he did three homework sheets . He is always so happy to do them . I have his supplies in a box for him , which he says his school box . He got it out and did very well on his homework with me just reading the directions to him . He had to circle ten pictures of things that started with the letter T . Each time he said what a picture was , he said , " t - t - t - t - t " for the sound if it started with T and then he circled it . His teacher is doing an awesome job of teaching him and I 'm so proud of him , that he will show me what he knows and is enthusiastic . I notice very little frustration . He erases an error and tries again . He never used to be like this . Of course , I have him do home work on days he has not been in school . I have no idea how he will do once he needs to do some on a school night ( those nights are a challenge ) . Anyway . . . . we 'll see what the morning brings as far as a fever goes . Sometimes it is hard because I think , " Oh , he had Roseola as a kid , " or blah blah blah , and then I remember , oh yeah , we had to start over . He has no immunities , as of 3 / 13 / 07 , his immunities were wiped clean . Like that of a 1 1 / 2 year old toddler now , but he 's in kindergarten . Also , he can not have the measles vaccine or chicken pox vaccine until after 3 / 13 / 09 , so I worry a little bit more about him being exposed to those illnesses . . . . as well as a few others where he just isn 't caught up yet . Oh . . . . and something cute . . . . Asher went up for bath and he immediately got the armpit thermometer and took his temp and told daddy , " This is what my number is under my armpit . " update Tuesday night : So , still no answers to why the fever . It was 101 this morning I gave him Tylenol . It was 100 at the doctor 's office at 12 : 30pm , but , on the way out of the room , he grabbed his tummy in pain and his fever spiked up again . The doctor got to see it ( glad ! ) and she had the nurse give him Motrin then , so when he got home , his temp was 98 . 7 on the button . The doctor reminded us that he will have 2 year old illnesses " again . " She said we did right , day 4 of fever , go to the doctor . That is when they can start to test to rule things out . But , if the fever isn 't gone by Thursday , then we need to take him back in Friday because after day 6 of a fever , all sorts of other things could be the cause ( her words ) . Anyway . . . . part of me is hoping this is just roseola . . . . which he had at 13 months . . . . I 'm going to sit and watch for that chest rash . When asked if Asher could go to school tomorrow , her answer , " Oh no ! He 's too sick . " She is supposed to be faxing a note to the school . He 's been pretty moody today . . . . been a long day . . . . I think he 's tired . . . . So . . . . we 're waiting for the blood test for mono to come back . If that is negative , then we 'll take him to a nearby lab and get more blood taken so a full workup can be done . update Wednesday : Asher woke to a 100 . 5 fever , not too bad . He had motrin last night around 10pm and then this morning at 7am or so . It is now 3pm and I 'm not giving Motrin unless his fever returns . We shall see how the night plays out . update Wednesday night : When Scott got home , he carried Asher upstairs ( Asher said he couldn 't walk ) . . . . we had been playing sequence for kids . . . . Scott set him on the bed and turned around and he was asleep the next breath . I went up there and started talking to him and Scott said , " He 's already asleep . " Well , I woke him up , because I remembered he didn 't eat ( he had refused dinner at 5pm ) . So , it is 7 : 30pm now , and he 's eating some food . He went from 11am until 7 : 30pm without eating . Not normal for him . He still hasn 't had anymore Motrin or Tylenol . His temp has been fluctuating between 99 . 6 and 101 . 3 , and I 'm watching it closely . We 're getting to that magical point of having to call and bring him back to the doc ; if he has a fever tomorrow , we have to call for an appointment for Friday morning . I have been lifting Asher 's shirt all afternoon , and into the evening , hoping for a rash . With the lack of ' high ' fever returning , I was hoping for a sign of rash that would be the end of roseola . Anyway . . . . off to bed . . . . The MRI last Friday went well . Traffic was light due to the holiday weekend , and we got there at about 6 : 45am for a 8am scan . They actually took him in at 7 : 30am . While we were waiting to get called in , he asked for the cherry mask that he had last time . He talked about the machine going round and round and how he didn 't like it . It is the first time he has talked about the scan , before hand , with some anxiety . It is the first time he has told me details . I told the anesthesiologist to use the red mask so he was prepared and Asher wouldn 't get disappointed . All went fine and when he woke up he was very confused and upset and angry . . . . like a long time ago , when he got that way . . . . oh I haven 't forgotten . Anyway , he yelled at me all the way home . Nothing I did was right . Nothing I said was right . He wanted his daddy , not me . That he said many times over . I couldn 't drive home fast enough . Anyway , we were home by 10 : 15am , just in time for me to turn around and take Andrew to his well - checkup , a 45 minute drive in another direction . Asher had calmed down within a half hour of being home and once he ate , he was fine . No MRI results . No news is good news , I am sure . I am sure , too , that unless I made a point of trying to get them to call me , like I have in the past , they won 't call and I won 't have the MRI results till clinic , which is 3 weeks from today . The MRI was so early because it was his day off of school and I planned ahead . . . crazy mom . Asher 's neck was better by Sunday , but then Scott 's hurt and mine , too ! Oh , and Grandma Val 's too . So , it must have been some cold bug passing around . . . . our head and neck hurts along with being extremely tired . . . . School is going great for Asher ! ! I still get my sad moments , when I miss him tremendously during the day , or I get overly worried , but now I really just love that he loves to go to school . He 's learning so fast , too . When he comes home , over several hours , he will tell me random things that happened during his day at school . We read more and more and more books now before bed . It feels like so many that it puts me ( almost ) to sleep ! ! I 've started the bedtime routine at 5 : 45pm . Isn 't that insane ? ! Well , with 4 little ones to bathe and read to , it does take over an hour . It will be nice when the older two can shower or bathe themselves ! Scott gets home around 7pm ; so he only sees the kids in the morning now during the week . Asher is usually asleep by 6 : 30pm or 7pm at the latest now ! He 's getting about 11 hours of sleep at a minimum . He 's also eating almost all of his lunch now , including a full sandwhich , not just a half . So , I think the fact that he wasn 't eating a couple of weeks ago was just stress . I 'm just smiling at how much older Asher seems to be now that he has been in school for a month . The teacher has told me on a few occasions now , " He is always so polite and well behaved . He is an absolute joy to have in class . " He 's missed 4 days of school already , and I 'm hoping so much that he won 't miss any in September . But , we will see ! Yesterday he told me a boy threw up in the classroom . That flu is still spreading ; hopefully Asher already had that one ! The one thing that I 'm struggling with is Asher 's behavior at home , especially after school . I 'm not sure why he acts the way he does . Some days I just want to pull my hair out . . . . He is treating Alexa badly , with words and actions , and mom too . . . . . I guess at least he is good at school . . . . After washing Asher 's hair this morning , he immediately cried out in pain . In his head / neck , behind / below his left ear . I put some water in the microwave and then poured it over a towel and put it on his neck while he ate breakfast . I thought maybe it was a kink from sleeping or something . He seemed uncomfortable , but I sent him off to school ; Scott took him to the bus stop . 8 : 15 the phone rings . It is the school nurse telling me Asher is complaining his neck hurts and she said his temperature is elevated , 99 . 5 ( which is normal for him , especially if he had been outside for 25 minutes of playground time prior to the bell ringing ) . I talked to him and he was sad , but he was not complaining about his neck . I told the nurse to send him back to class and see how he does . But as soon as I hung up , I felt awful . I called Scott on his cell ; he was still driving to work . I was hoping he 'd say something that would make me feel better . He didn 't . I called the school nurse back and asked if Asher was still with her . She said no , that she gave him an ice pack and sent him to class . She talked about his " incision scar " and " does that bother him " and a few other things . She said this was the first time she has met Asher ; " He 's not a complainer , " she said . She said he might be coming down with something as the kindergarten class kids are sick a lot . Tell me about it . Two colds and a 72 hour flu all in one month . That 's the sickest he has ever been ( besides cancer ) , I thought . I was near in tears and said I was coming to get him . I picked him up from school . He 's walking around with a stiff neck . He seems overly tired , all of a sudden . I gave him some Tylenol . At least his MRI is tomorrow . . . . 2nd week of school was okay . A couple of mornings were a challenge to get Asher ready to go to school . One morning , he was in such a good mood , but then after breakfast he coughed so hard he threw up . His cold seemed to get worse before it got better . Anyway , after an hour to watch him , he seemed fine and was getting a bit bored and I asked him if he wanted to go to school , so when he said yes , I took him and signed him in and got him a late pass . There is a boy in his class that he seems to be getting into trouble with . Two days in a row . I 'm not sure what , maybe talking , the first day . He told me he got a timeout because he was doing something naughty with D . The second day , I actually got a call from the teacher after school , right as I was headed out the door to get Asher from the bus stop . It didn 't seem major , but Asher is a sensitive child . Apparently he went out to the bathroom with his friend from class and they took too long to come back and the teacher went looking for them . There is a drinking fountain outside the bathroom , which I think is where she found them . She said she saw the other boy spitting water at Asher . She did say she didn 't think Asher was spitting water ; she didn 't see him . She said , " He was very upset . " But , I don 't really think he was upset about the boy spitting water at him . He told me later that night , right before bed , " My teacher yelled at me . I cried and cried . She broke my heart . " She had told me she just wanted to make sure they understood to go to the bathroom and come back to class right away . So , that 's what I explained to Asher , too . I can imagine , that it would be easy to get distracted , to go from class to the bathroom , when it is outside . I grew up where the entire school was enclosed under one roof . Here , in AZ , where it is so warm , year round , there are no hallways . They walk outside each time they transition to different classrooms , or need to go to the bathroom . I was really proud of him , by Friday I was able to drop him at the bus stop , from the van , and he stood waiting with the other two kids . I waved from the van when he was on the bus looking out the window . Friday afternoon they gave us an updated bus schedule and I saw there is actually a bus stop a bit closer to our house , so I think I 'll have Asher use that one because in 2 months when the temps are cooled off enough to walk , we can walk to that stop then . It is also on a less major street in our development with less traffic ( I think ) . Saturday Asher was in such a great mood , until around 4pm when he started holding his tummy . About 30 minutes later he started vomiting , and he hasn 't stopped . He did tell me last night that a boy threw up in class , " Not me , " he said , " Just one boy . " I was happy ( is that the right word ) when I took his temp at 9pm and he had a fever of 102 . A fever is a good thing ; he 's sick . There isn 't something wrong in his head . His cancer is not back . He 's just sick . He has also been sleeping since around 8pm last night . When I saw him a couple of hours ago in bed , after he threw up ( bile ) , he said , " Mom , leave me alone when I 'm sick . " The first week I had such a horrible time , emotionally . Just felt so out of sorts ! Actually , this past week too . But , the first week I realized something . I do a lot of self analyzing . I think a lot . I try to figure out why I feel a certain way or why I react a certain way . I 'm my own worst critic in that way . Anyway , so the first week I wanted to understand why I felt so horrible . Was this just a control issue . Asher is in kindergarten , in someone else 's care , and I have no control . No . After 3 days of wondering and thinking and analyzing , I figured it out , with the help of so many flooded memories coming back to me . As I was sitting at home , Asher at school , and feeling horrible , I realized having Asher at school , and not at home , reminded me of a time when Asher was in the hospital and I would be at home , alone , with the girls . With the exception of Andrew , toddling around , walking and smiling and laughing , it felt so much like 2 year ago when Asher was in the hospital . The day of his diagnosis invaded my thoughts part of Wednesday , that first week of school . It felt like I was re - living it . It was powerful , it was horrible . When I finally figured out how I felt and why , I had a solution . Every time I started to feel bad , I told myself , " He 's not sick . He 's just at school . You 'll go pick him up at the bus stop at x time . He 'll be home , soon . " After two days of doing that , I started to feel so much better . I still feel weird , as far as him being in school and me not knowing what he 's doing , etc . But , I don 't feel horrible , like I 'm having a panic attack . The bad memories have stayed away and I 'm functioning again . I can not only take care of the kids , I can clean up the kitchen and do other daily tasks . Sounds silly , but it was pretty bad that first week . This morning , while I sat next to him in bed , as he threw up , I had some bad feelings . . . . about watching him throw up . . . . but , then I told myself , he 's going to be better in a day and not throwing up anymore . What a good thing that will be . I told Asher too , you 'll feel better in a day or so and then you can eat and drink and play again . Asher complained about his throat hurting Friday afternoon / night but it wasn 't until Saturday afternoon , when I realized he sounded sick , that I realized he was sick . Didn 't help that he just told me a pretzel was stuck in his throat , and I didn 't know if I should run him off to the hospital . Sometimes my boy makes things up . By Sunday morning he had a dry cough , and an hour before bed he had laryngitis ( good thing for spell check on this blog software ) . He was upset he didn 't get to " play . " And , it seems like there is so little time to play at home now too . He eats a snack once home and then watches a little TV and rests in his bean bag . Then it is dinner time and only one hour to play before bath and bed routine . He isn 't eating much during lunch . I 'm not sure if he is stressed . The food I give him is the food he eats at home all the time . Yesterday after school he was starving . He had grapes and was in a very good mood . He 's gone from 7 : 25am - 3 : 20pm . . . . such a long day and I 'm really missing him at home . Yesterday , after school , he told me that his teacher hurt his feelings . I asked why and he said , " Because I wanted you . " Last night before falling asleep he told me a boy touched his scar ( he pointed to the back of his head ) . I asked him what he told the boy . He said , " I told him the doctors did something naughty back there . " I reminded him he had an owie and the doctors fixed it and it was okay to tell a boy or anyone that asks . I asked him if he tells anyone he had cancer and he said , " No , that 's a secret . " Each night we continue to read before bed . Nothing new there . We have done that since he was a baby . But , now I write down the books we read each day on a log . His homework is to be read to for 15 minutes a day . We read for at least 30 . I about cried when Asher came off the bus today . . . . He was not happy . He was tired . He was sad . I could sense it as he walked down the bus steps , so I knew right away I probably would ask very little , if anything , until he had time to rest . As I took his hand , to walk across the street back to the other 3 A - kids in the wagon , he said : As we walked , I noticed Asher was walking only on his tip toes . I have never seen him do this with shoes on , only barefoot in the house ( and more so right after treatment ended than currently ) . I saw this as a sign he was physical wore out . He said , " A big boy helped me find my bus . " This kind of worried me as the teacher told us at open house that she personally took each kid to the bus . . . . but , suppose the class size is too big she really can 't do that and has helpers . I want to find out who this helper is , if this is the case . He also had a ' 5 ' written on his hand in black and a paper bracelet on with the bus number and drop - off intersection . He said , " My teacher was rude . She said if we didn 't be quiet it would take us longer to get out the door . " He said , " Why did you give me chips ? I didn 't want chips . " I slowly opened his backpack and folders to see what he brought home ( a colored picture , a note from the teacher ( form letter ) , a sheet of paper to fill in about Asher for " Friends Forever . " I opened his lunch bag to see he didn 't eat much of his lunch . I saw all his chips were crushed and broken ( no wonder he was upset about the chips , because I knew he liked them ) . Scott got home an hour or more earlier than normal . He had called me and I told him the day wasn 't so great for Asher . When he got home , Asher got a huge smile on his face , for a second , then he went running down the hall to tell him about the naughty boys on the bus and the rude teacher . . . . Then Scott tried to get Asher to talk more and Asher said he didn 't want to , so Scott backed off , which I think was good . They went swimming then and Scott told me Asher said a couple more things about his day . He said , " He ate alone at lunch . " He said , " I don 't really like music . " And , maybe tomorrow during lunch I won 't get a plate out for him to eat on and Alexa won 't set a place at the table for him to eat at . Alexa and I both had a little laugh about it after she said , " Oh , Asher isn 't here " and she picked up the place mat she had put out for him and put it away . I told her , " Oh , and I got him a plate out . " So , I put the plate back in the cupboard .
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I apologize for the large gap in posts . Christmas at our house was very busy and required a lot of preparation this year . I made Christmas dinner for 13 family members and cooked my first turkey . It was a massive 19 pounder and was a little scary , but I managed just fine ! Knowing that 13 people 's hungry tummies are depending on you making a delicious dinner puts some pressure on a person ! Christmas morning was wonderful for us . We invited my parents for present opening and breakfast . It was so nice to have them there with us and watching the looks on the kids faces as they opened their gifts . We opened stockings , ate breakfast ( a yummy cake I found on Pinterest ) and then went back to opening more gifts ! I got almost everything I asked for - a griddle for making pancakes , a new pedometer , There were alot of gifts this year , but my favorite gift was having all of my family together . It was very cold outside , but our house was warm and cozy and full of love ! Here are a few photos from Christmas at the Thompson household . Posted by First it was a friend who was a member of a group of a few women on Facebook . We all had babies in December 2011 and January 2012 and we have all become very close . She just found out that her daughter has a health problem and is understandably upset . She had left our group for some reason and has now shut off her Facebook account because she doesn 't want anyone to say anything to her other than " I 'm sorry " or " I 'm praying for you " . She said she doesn 't want to look on the positive side or hear any other comments . I understand that some people can be rude in their comments , but I don 't see why that would be a reason to close your entire Facebook account . She is running away from the people who care about her when really she should be running to these people who have their arms open to give her a huge hug . Our moms group is so wonderful and supportive and we are always there for eachother and do not criticize . I just cannot understand why she wouldn 't want to take the support . I know that 's what I need most when I 'm dealing with alot of stress . The next was my sister in law . Once again , Facebook related but she took my husband and myself off of her friends list without saying anything to us . I sent her a message mentioning it and she said that Facebook makes her sad . I guess when I said I was happy to find a reliable babysitter , that upset her because she loves to babysit our girls but our oldest just decided that she didn 't like staying there anymore . Unfortunately , I only found this out today after 3 days of wondering what the heck was going on . She avoided the whole issue until my hubby blew up at her because she wouldn 't say why she was upset . Once again , someone running away . She ran away from a discussion that could have very easily solved the problem but instead it turned into a huge problem ! She called me crying this morning . I told her that she should have just told us why she was removing us and I 'm sure it would have been fine . I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things , but shutting people out isn 't the answer . We are only human ; sometimes we hurt , we cry and we need eachother . Without support in tough times , we can and will crumble . So a note to my friends ; thank you for your support when I have needed it ( keep it up ! ) and I am always here if you have a problem with me , a problem in life or just need a shoulder ! I don 't want to hear " I needed to talk to someone , but . . . . " because I am here . Don 't try to hold it in and be strong because eventually it will eat you up inside . This is something I have learned in my 30 years of life and feel the need to pass on . I dropped Ceili off at preschool and headed over to work . I visited with everyone there for a bit then went in to talk to my boss . I told him that my family was # 1 right now and I just can 't imagine leaving my girls to go back to work at least at this point in their lives . When they are young , these are the most precious years . They are learning so much and I want to be there to see watch them grow and change . I was amazed that he was very understanding and said that if I ever decide that I want to return , he will be more than willing to re - hire me there . I did enjoy working there very much , they are a great company and the office was so small that it was like a family too . Everyone worked well together and they were very supportive when I had to leave and go on bed rest and maternity leave . I don 't think I have every worked for such a great company before . I definitely would consider going back to work there once the girls are both in school full - time . I can 't believe it 's Thanksgiving again , it seems like the past year has gone by in a blur . A good blur , but a blur nonetheless ! Every Thanksgiving I try to think about all of the things that I am thankful for and every year I have a little more to be thankful for ! I am most thankful for my wonderful husband who puts up with me day in and day out ! lol . Well , I guess we actually put up with eachother because we all have our bad days and we love eachother whether it 's a bad or a good day ! He 's always there to comfort me - like this week when I got in my first fender bender with our van and dented the bumper . I called him and he answered even though he was in meetings across the country and he told me he was more worried about us girls than the damage to the van and that everything would be alright . Two other reasons to be thankful are our two beautiful , smart little girls . They make my days ( and nights ! ) interesting . They have changed how I see the world . I appreciate everything about life so much more since they came into our lives . My appreciation for the miracle of human life is also tremendous now . My body grew these beautiful babies and fought to keep little Abbey safe . At this time last year I was unsure of whether or not we would be meeting our sweet baby in January because of all of my pregnancy issues . I spent almost every day of that pregnancy so scared and I am so happy she is here and healthy ! I can 't forget all of the rest of my family and friends because without them I would never have mommy - dates , babysitters when I need a break , advice and hugs when I need them the most ! As much as we fight with our parents when we 're teenagers and think they don 't know what they 're talking about , I really do appreciate them and all of the support they give me now . I realize they were right all along and I 'm sure our girls will shake their heads at us one day and say " you don 't understand ! " . This morning when Ceili was at school , I was nursing Abbey before her nap . Being the crazy momma that I am , I was smelling her head and holding her little hand and thought to myself " can we please pause in this very moment forever ? " . I feel like our baby girl is growing up way too fast . When Ceili was a baby I was always looking ahead thinking " I can 't wait until she can do ______ " . I am finding with Abbey , our last baby I want to savour every moment of her being a baby . She is now scooting around the house on her bum and trying to stand up . Most of the time when I cuddle her , she pushes away because she wants to go play with her sister . Where has my little baby gone ? I can 't believe she will be a year old in January ! Maybe I feel like it 's going by too fast because we are always so busy and I haven 't had as much time to just watch her grow and change . We 're always doing something or running somewhere . Plus , breastfeeding has created an amazingly strong bond between us which makes me want her to stay a baby even more . This recipe is a microwave recipe for chocolate brownies . They have extra cocoa and are super decadent . I have made them twice now and even with 2 kids running around screaming , pulling on my pant leg and a dog trying to push in to get a sniff of the ingredients I was able to get the recipe just right . This is why I call this a no - fail recipe ! Last Monday we sent our first " baby " off to preschool ! Ceili was so excited to go , and of course a little nervous . I was really excited for her because I knew she missed the structure and learning aspect of school . She was in daycare when I was working and absolutely loved it . They did alot of educational things and did crafts , singing and reading books which is why we called it school . We all got ready in the morning and took Ceili out for breakfast at Tim Horton 's before school . We had our breakfast then headed to school . Matt even took time off of work to come along and see his little girl off to her first day ! When Monday came , even after all of the preparation for school it finally hit me that our little girl was actually going to school ! Sure , preschool may not be " real school " but next year she will be in kindergarten ! As we dropped her off and she barely noticed that we were leaving , I got a little misty - eyed . Looking back , she has changed so much over these past couple of years . She has such a great personality - maybe a little too much of one sometimes ! But she is also so much fun and has a great sense of humor . As much as I was sad to see her go to school I was also feeling quite excited for the years ahead and seeing our bean grow and change even more . After school I picked her up and she had so much to tell me . She loved her teachers and did crafts . They also played in the gym and had snack time . She was exhausted after lunch and had a long nap ! I found this recipe the other day and decided to try it with my own twist by tring a different yogurt and adding raspberries . It ended in a to - die for dessert that isn 't completely unhealthy ! This makes approx . 4 servings . 2 ) Put chocolate chips and cream in a small dish and microwave for 15 - 20 seconds . Stir until blended . 4 ) Spoon some of the chocolate onto each cup of yogurt and smooth over top . Yesterday a friend of mine posted a link to a blog . As soon as I read it , it really spoke to me . It was this blog entry . It was just written by another mom , but what she had to say meant so much to me . My favorite quote from it is " You are a good mom . You matter . You are making a difference . You can do this . One step , one day , at a time . " This is my new mantra and from here on in I am going to try my very best to live by it . I realized after reading this that my stress is rooted in trying to be everything to everyone and have everything perfect . Well , nothing is ever going to be perfect , there will always be moments when things go wrong . And you know what ? A little dust on the shelves , a little paint spattered on the wall from finger painting or a pile of laundry that didn 't get done yesterday . . . or today doesn 't matter in the end . What matters most is that my kids are happy , truly happy and they have a mom that treats them well and doesn 't get frustrated over the trivial things in life . I need to be here for my children to teach them and love them not to get frustrated with them . I think there is too much pressure put on moms to be perfect and keep the house ( and their kids ) sparkling clean , have the laundry washed , folded and put away , the kids fed and entertained and supper ready when hubby comes home . The lady that wrote the blog entry is correct though - people don 't realize how much work it takes to be a mom and handle even just the day to day stuff that comes along with your job . Us moms deserve a pat on the back more often than we get one ! Being a mom is a 24 hour job , you don 't get time off for a sick day or a break when it 's bedtime because you never know when you child will wake up sick or with nightmares or just need a drink or snuggle . I am making it my mission to start patting my friends who are moms who really deserve it on the back more often and all of the husbands , boyfriends , partners and kids out there reading this should do the same . I 'm sharing another one of our family favorite recipes . I took a recipe from the Food Network and altered it a bit to suit our tastes . After some experimentation , I found the perfect combination of flavours . So , here are my favorite banana yogurt pancakes . I usually make a double recipe and stick a bunch in the freezer for quick breakfasts ! Our oldest daughter Ceili is all about the snacks . If she could eat snacks for meals , she would be all over it ! Tonight I made her favorite snack before bed . She thinks it 's a huge treat , but it 's really fairly healthy ! All you need is yogurt and an ice cream cone . If you have fruit and sprinkles it 's even better . Just fill the ice cream cone with yogurt and fruit and top it off with a few colorful sprinkles . Yum ! As you can see by the photo , she is quite pleased with her snack . I 've been compiling this post for a few weeks in my head , but haven 't had the chance to put it all down into words in here . I have finally admitted to myself and my family that I need to get some counselling . I have been having some issues with stress . I know it 's normal to have some stress being at home with 2 busy kids and a puppy , but I have recently come to realise that some days I just feel like I can 't handle it and that 's when I feel alot of anxiety . I 'm sure it 's a common mommy problem because we 're always trying to be everything to everyone . I have found myself snapping at Ceili and Matt for no reason and I can 't even catch myself before I do it which worries me . WhenI get mad like that , I feel like I 'm not even myself . My family doesn 't deserve to be yelled at which is why I am going to the doctor to be referred to a counsellor . I feel so guilty for doing it and it makes me feel like such a terrible mom . Part of my issue is exhaustion . When I have had a long night and been up multiple times with Abbey then up early in the morning I definitely have a shorter fuse . I know that I put too many expectations on myself like laundry , dishes , cleaning , taking care of the kids and dog , walking the dog , etc all in one day but if I don 't feel accomplished I feel like I 'm not doing my " job " since I 'm at home with the kids right now . Matt says " are the kids cared for ? " when I say " yes " then he says , " well you 're doing your job then ! The other stuff isn 't important " but I guess I like to try and exceed expectations . I am hoping with someone unbaised to talk to I can spill out all of the feelings and thoughts I have sitting inside my head and start to try to deal with the unnecessary stress so I can start fresh . I want to be the best mommy and wife possible which is why I 'm seeking help . I love my girls and husband too much to make them have to live life walking on eggshells . Last Saturday , my husband Matt called his sister to see if she wanted to get together since we hadn 't seen her in a long time . She mentioned that his Grandpa in Ontario had passed away that day . His grandpa was 94 years old and suffering from dementia . His grandma had recently made the decision to put him into a nursing home because he had a hard time even knowing what time of day it was . He would wake up at 1am thinking it was lunchtime and turn on the stove to cook . Not the safest thing for someone with trouble remembering to do . My parents were nice enough to buy all 3 of us plane tickets last May so we went to visit them . We had always wanted to , but could never afford the $ 3000 + for plane tickets . We had such a nice visit with them . I had never met either of them before because they had always been too ill and elderly to fly . His grandma was such a sweet little lady . As soon as we stepped in the door she was offering us cake and tea ! His grandpa was also a very nice man - full of stories from his past and love for his great grandaughter . He kept insisting that she take things of theirs that she showed interest in home , like a magnifying glass with a light in it ! We had to keep reminding him who Ceili was , but he admired her so much . He kept saying " who is that sweet little girl ? " . I 'll never forget the moment when Ceili stopped being so standoffish with him and they started driving toy cars up and down eacother 's arms and laughing . It was precious ! Sadly , his day came and I 'm sure Grandma T is very heartbroken as are we . They were the love of eachother 's lives , they knew eacother from the time they were children . I had lost all of my grandparents before I even met Matt . He is lucky to have had his grandpa in his life for 33 years and I know that he realizes that too . After 6 months of having a crazy , unpredictable sleeping schedule I have finally gotten Abbey into a routine and she seems to have taken to it better than expected ! I have to admit , I coddled her way more than I did Ceili , our oldest . I think it 's because I know she is our last baby and I wanted to hold onto that so badly and as long as possible . Now I have realised that I have to let go , just a little bit and let her have her own space to grow and discover . We now have a routine for both girls . Abbey starts her nap at noon and Ceili starts her 's at 1pm and bedtime is around 9pm for both of them . Abbey started to be so crabby when we were trying to keep her up later , so one evening I just decided to put her in her crib and see what she did . Well , she cried for a few minutes then rolled onto her side and fell asleep ! What a surprise to me ! I expected the same fight as with our oldest where she would scream and kick as soon as she saw me leave the room . Over the past 4 years I have come to understand that routine is our thing in our house . Without it , I think we would be in complete chaos . If my children skip a nap or get to bed too late , they are complete monsters and it makes our day so much more stressful . I have had so many people say to me in the past " Does she have to be in bed at that time ? " or " can 't she just skip a nap ? " . To that , I say we are in a routine that works for us , it keeps my kids happy and healthy and mommy and daddy aren 't insane because we never spend any time on our own . This weekend ( on Canada Day ) our first baby girl , Ceili will be 4 years old . I can 't believe how fast the past 4 years have gone by . When I think about the day she was born , I realise how much I have changed since I became " Mommy " to someone . I don 't know what life would be like if I was not a mother , I would probably be bored and unfulfilled . I have never felt such a strong love and attachment to anyone or anything . She a very special little piece of me . Every day I feel a sense of pride because I created a beautiful , smart little human being with a heart as big as she is ! She makes me laugh and helps me see the world differently - through a child 's innocent eyes . I have my daughters to thank for these gifts and I definitely will never forget that ! We had been looking at the local rescues and humane society for a dog for a while . We had decided that we wouldn 't get a new dog until after we got home from Cuba . Well , we started a serious search a few weeks ago and met our perfect match on Monday evening ! He was found with his mom and brothers and sisters at an indian reserve and his mother was quite sick . She had no food or water and was basically whithering away to feed her pups . Him and his siblings were put into a foster home in the city while their mom was in another because she needed special care for her mastitis and wounds . He was the last of the litter left and he melted our hearts ! He kissed and played with Ceili and we knew he was the one ! He came with the name Sebastian , but we thought it was too long . Last night on our walk around the neighborhood , Ceili said " I want to call him Boots " . He does happen to have light brown spots on his feet and legs . So we think this will be his name . I 'm so happy that our little girls have a dog to call their own . I remember having such a special bond with my dog as a child . He was my little buddy even when I was being teased at school and felt like I had no one else to hang out with . He was always there for me . He is only 10 weeks old now , so he 's still in the puppy phase with the chewing things , hyper moments and he 's not housetrained ( I think we should buy stocks in paper towel and cleaning wipes ! ) . It seems like complete chaos in our house right now while we adjust , but I know it will get easier and he will fit right in here ! We made it to Cuba and home safely . . . barely ! Our flights there were quite good , Ceili enjoyed the movies and TV on the plane and all of the snacks and toys I packed for her . Abbey alternated between nursing and sleeping most of the time with an explosive poop here and there but it wasn 't so bad . I even got to watch the movie " The Help " which was an excellent one ! Cuba was beautiful . It was + 30 on average and the humidity was between 85 - 100 % every day . We spent most of our mornings on the beach which was only a few steps from our hotel room ( awesome ! ) and in the afternoon we had a siesta and normally went to the pool . Abbey didn 't enjoy the sand at the beach so much . Nursing isn 't so easy when there are granules of sand in your mouth and your big sister runs by and sand flies into your face ! I think Abbey 's favorite part were the siestas in the air conditioned hotel room . Ceili couldn 't get enough of the beach , I think every kid would love to spend all day making sand castles and playing in the warm ocean . All of us except for Abbey got a bit of a sunburn and a tan and now we 're peeling like snakes . We hired a guide , Michael to take us into town for a day trip . He took us to the zoo in town , a market , the crocodile farm and a few shops that the Cubans shop at . It was really sad to see the lack of choice they have for food , clothes and items for their homes . For example , one store we stopped at had a few large cans of tomatoes , some beer and pop and the rest was bare shelves . It really makes you appreciate what we have here and how much money we have compared to them . We were glad that we brought the stroller and carseat to give away to someone there after we saw the lack of baby products in the stores . We gave the stroller to a man that worked at the pizza restaurant at our resort that had two girls almost the exact same ages as our girls . The carseat was given to a lady that worked at the Asian restaurant and was due to have her baby girl in mid - June . She just adored Abbey and would pick her up and snuggle her whenever she had the chance . Matt went out on a deep sea fishing trip on his own one morning . I told him that he had to go because I know he has always wanted to . He had a fantastic time . They speared a stingray that was about 5 ' across ! Little did they realise , the stingray was pregnant and as it lay on the boat it gave birth to a bunch of babies . All of the babies survived and were put back into the ocean . The mama was enough food for a bunch of them at the marina to share , so I think they were pretty happy . I was mad at Matt when I found out that he killed a mama stingray , but I guess how were they to know ? We also went to a beautiful beach called Pilar Beach one morning . The water was such a beautiful aqua color and sand was so fine and white . I thought it was terrible that we had to pay $ 2 for a lounge chair , but we had an amazing time there . There were tons on angel fish which appeared when Abbey spit up in the water ! There were also gar fish that swam all around us and they must have been around a foot long each . The water was so clear , you could see everything ! Our flight home was far too exciting for my liking . We were supposed to fly from Cuba to Toronto . We ended up flying from Cuba to Miami and landing . At one point I looked out of my window and said to Matt " Why are we so low . . . . are we even flying or are we on the ground ? " I could see a city 's lights right out my window . Not really below us , but more beside us . Finally after about 30 minutes of me wondering what was going on , the captain comes onto the speaker and tells us what is going on . They were flying so low because there was a cabin pressure problem on the plane and they were trying to fix it . If they would have gone much higher we would have been low on oxygen and the masks would have popped out of the ceiling . Needless to say , they couldn 't fix it so they had to get rid of fuel by flying in circles and we finally landed in Miami about an hour later . I really felt lucky to be alive . If those pilots didn 't know what they were doing , we wouldn 't be here today ! We ended up sitting on the tarmac for almost 2 hours while they figured out what they were doing then had to go through customs , get our bags and line up to get our hotel info . It was complete chaos and we finally got into our hotel room at 4 : 30am . We had to get up and get to the airport again before noon because our plane to Toronto left at 1 : 30pm . Our last plane ride from Toronto home was uneventful , thankfully and I am not overly excited to fly again in the near future ! In a few weeks , we will be travelling to Cuba with both of our girls for a one week vacation . I am so excited , but ovewhelmed with packing ! I think we 're taking half of the house with us , but at least we 'll be prepared . While I was collecting 75 diapers and 3 packs of wipes I got to thinking about our very first trip to Cuba . It was just Matt and I and we went around 5 years ago . It was alot of fun . On the flight there , there was a small baby crying . I heard the mom talking about how excited they were for their vacation . I remember saying to Matt " why on earth would someone take their little baby on a flight all of the way to Cuba just for a vacation ? " . Now I 'm that Mom ! And , you know what ? I have no regrets ! Over the past 4 years , I have come to realise that we do not view our children as optional . Many parents take off without their kids every chance they get , but I want my kids to experience things like a swim in the ocean , feeding flamingos and different cultures and types of people . When I see my children experience those things , it makes me feel like I am experiencing them for the first time as well because I get to live it again through them . I understand parents who need a getaway once a year or so because us parents do deserve some alone time , but I hear of parents going on all - inclusives every few months and leaving their kids with grandma and that 's just not us . I have had a few revelations over the past few years regarding children that I never thought I would have . Another example is , I always saw mothers breastfeeding their babies without a cover in public and thought to myself " I would never do that , I 'm too self conscious " . And what do I do every time we go out and Abbey is hungry , I whip my boob out and feed her of course ! My child needs to eat , so I don 't care what anyone else may think ! I made one of my favorite childhood breakfasts for us this morning . Bacon and eggs in a nest , I used a cookie cutter to cut out a sun shape though . It was a huge hit with Ceili ! This is a great activity to do with the kids because they get to help mix up the dry ingredients and see the magic when the water hits the Kool - Aid ! 1 cup flour1 pkg Kool - Aid ( not grape or lemonade ) 1 / 4 cup salt2 Tbsp . oil1 cup boiling waterStir together dry ingredients . Add wet ingredients ( and watch the magic of the color appearing ! ) and stir until cool enough to knead . Knead or stir completely until cool . You can also add glitter once it has cooled if you wish ! Have fun with your new Play - Doh ! Store in a sealed container or Ziploc bag . I went to one of my good friend 's baby shower over the weekend . One thing she said got me thinking . She mentioned that her best friend had recently stopped returning her calls and texts and she couldn 't figure out why . I suddenly flashed back to around four years ago when I was pregnant with my first child , Ceili . Some of my childless friends suddenly stopped calling me and inviting me out . Once she was born , only a couple stuck around . At first I was really upset and wondered why , but then I decided to stop questioning , get on with my life and concentrate on the good friends I did have . I 'm not sure why people who don 't have kids do this , hearing my friend say this made me sad for her because I know how she feels . I think the reason alot of childless people cut all ties to people with children is that they feel they can no longer relate to the new parent . Little do they know it hurts the other person and makes them feel alienated from their usual world . The advice I gave her was to try not to worry about it and just spend time with the friends and family that stand by you . Obviously people who do this to their friends weren 't really your friend in the first place . I survived the " Terrible Twos " but I 'm not sure I will make it through the last 4 months of the " Terrifying Threes " ! Ceili has been switching between monster and angel at least a hundred times a day lately and I don 't quite know what to do about it . I always make sure to spend time with just her every day and do something puzzles , coloring , a craft , etc . but she still acts up . It drives me absolutely insane because she does it completely on purpose alot of the time . She will look at me and smile as she does something she 's not supposed to do . Today was one of those days that I 'm surprised my whole head of hair didn 't turn grey . We had planned to go for a walk because it was supposed to be warmer outside today . She refused to get dressed until I threatened her with no walk , she refused to brush her teeth until I threatened no walk , and so on . Finally after I wrestled her into her coat which she said was " the wrong one " then I said " If I hear another complaint or you talk back again , we are not going for a walk and that 's final " . I got Abbey into her carseat and coat . I asked Ceili to please put her boots on , because there is about 2 feet of snow on the ground . She proceeded to put on her running shoes while yelling at me and said that she would not wear her boots . Then I had to be the mean mommy and say " Okay , we are not going for a walk now " . She didn 't believe I was serious and when she finally saw me taking her sister 's coat off , she flipped ! There was a period of about half an hour of crying and pleading , but she eventually stopped . I felt awful because she was so broken - hearted but I knew I had to follow through or she would never take me seriously . Just another day of being a mother of a toddler I guess ! Well , here I am , 30 years old . I can 't believe it . It feels like just yesterday I was in junior high buying Slurpees and gummy candy at 7 - 11 and wandering around the neighborhood aimlessly with my best friends . Now here I am 30 years old , married , living in a house that we own with two kids and a minivan ! After thinking about this crazy comparison and the changes that have occured in the past fifteen years , I feel so fortunate . I feel complete , like I have accomplished what I wanted to in my life . Not that my life is over by any means , I know the fun has just started ! I am so happy that I married the love of my life and had two beautiful daughters with him . I know that if I hadn 't done these things by 30 , I would be pretty lonesome and my ovaries would be screaming " BABIES , NOW ! ! ! " . . . sorry , too much info ! From the time I was a little girl I had wanted a nice wedding to a great man and two kids . I have everything I dreamed of and it feels fantastic ! Now I can look forward to my next 30 years that will hopefully include graduation for our girls , possibly a wedding or two and maybe even some grandbabies and best of all growing old with my awesome husband . I cannot be more thankful for my life . We went to the library yesterday , one of our favorite family activities . I usually browse around and pick a few books that I think Ceili will like . I stumbled upon one that I really love , written by Brooke Shields of all people ! It 's called " Welcome to Your World , Baby " and it 's a great one for little girls who have a new baby sister . I have had a difficult time finding a book that shows the light side of having a new baby for kids , not to mention one that is for girls . So many books show the negative side of a new baby ; that they cry alot , can 't play , etc . and though that is true , I think kids need to see that this new member of the family is wonderful and should be welcomed ! Ceili was so excited after we read the book saying " when Abbey is bigger , I 'm going to show her how to do all of those things " . If you are interested in purchasing this awesome book , check it out on Amazon ! Tonight Matt and I decided to make an impromptu trip to Costco because we were in dire need of diapers , Pull - Ups and baby wipes all of which we buy there . Both kids had been in a decent mood today , so I thought " hey , why not ? " . We got to into Costco and into the bread aisle when Ceili says about a lady right beside us " OH , that lady is grumpy ! " . The woman looked at me like " say something to make me feel better about the rude comment you kid just made " and I just stood there because I didn 't know what to say or do ! I asked Ceili later why she said that , she said " she had a grouchy face on " . Toddlers say the funniest things ! When we got to the checkout , Abbey started screaming so I told Matt I was going to sit down in the eating area and feed her . I sat down with Ceili and Abbey and of course she wouldn 't latch on , she just screamed while I tried to stick my boob in her mouth . That 's probably the first time that has ever happened , so I didn 't know what to do . You have to remember this breastfeeding thing is somewhat new to me because Ceili and I didn 't do well with it and switched to formula when she was 7 weeks old . I had to put Abbey back into her carseat and take her home . I don 't know if she wasn 't hungry or there was just too much commotion for her , but she did nurse when we got home . I 'm glad to be home after all of that craziness ! Throughout my last pregnancy , I ( as well as everyone else ) was convinced that we were going to have a boy . We didn 't find out the sex because Matt wanted to keep it a surprise this time since it was our last . Having a girl never even really crossed my mind ! My pregnancy was totally different than the first . From the cravings to my belly shape , it was all opposite ! We had boy names chosen , and a few girl names as well just incase , but I felt they weren 't going to be needed . The moment our little Abbey was born , the doctor said " it 's a girl ! " as he checked between her legs . Matt smiled then said " what ? ! " and did a double take ! I was shocked myself , but happy nonetheless . She was beautiful and perfect and she melted my heart from the first moment I held her . Ceili said Abbey was a girl the entire time , maybe our 3 year old is psychic . Come to think of it , this happened with our oldest daughter too . Even though we found out the sex and the ultrasound tech told us multiple times that we were having a girl , I was convinced she was a he . I kept having to tell myself that there was a little baby girl living in my belly , not a boy ! I guess the different pregnancies could have been due to our very different children . They are quite opposite so far . Ceili used to be awake and crying at least 5 - 6 times a night as a newborn where as Abbey is only awake once during the night to nurse and fall back asleep . Abbey is quite happy sitting in the swing in the morning and looking around and Ceili wouldn 't have anything to do with it . You could say that Abbey is an " easy " baby , let 's hope I didn 't just jinx myself , lol . Either way , I love our girls just the same and I do enjoy playing Barbies and princesses and I 'm sure we will have many years of that ahead of us . I 'm Heidi , a proud mom of two beautiful girls , Ceili ( 3 . 5 years old ) and Abbey ( 6 weeks old ) . I have been happily married to my hubby Matt for 7 years and we live in Alberta , Canada in a small but nice house . I discovered that I enjoyed blogging when I was pregnant with Abbey and stuck on bed rest for most of it . I started my blog " Blogging from Bed " then and loved having a place for all of my thoughts , so here I am again ! This blog will be about my crazy life with two girls , friends , family , good deals and things that I find funny !
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I sometimes wonder if I am subconsciously sabotaging myself . This isn 't a new concept to me . I 've wondered this more than once in my life and I 've thought about it in - depth but still do not have any answers for why I would do this . A quote that I read recently seemed to resonate - I 'm including it here . " Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . It is our light , not our darkness , that frightens us most . We ask ourselves , ' Who am I to be brilliant , gorgeous , talented , and famous ? ' Actually , who are you not to be ? You are a child of God . Your playing small does not serve the world . There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won 't feel insecure around you . We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us . It 's not just in some of us ; it 's in all of us . And when we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we are liberated from our own fear , our presence automatically liberates others . " I know for a fact that when I get close to leaving one " tens group " and am approaching another , such as moving from the 80 's into the 70 's that I choke . I start to worry that I won 't make that goal and then things seem to crop up that slow down that achievement such as a night out with the girls or lunch out with my co - workers - you get the drift . This shouldn 't have an impact on how I do , it is part of life and I am trying to find balance . I 've been an all or nothing girl all my life and it has not worked out too well for me . This journey is about learning how to do things in moderation , the way I believe people without weight issues live . After I weighed in Friday morning and was disappointed , I made a bad choice at lunch . I had taken my lunch to work but was asked by a co - worker if I would like something brought back from the Italian restaurant they were going to . I am a huge fan of their Italian Rice Balls - something I had never had before last year after tasting my friends . It 's a deep fried ball of rice with gooey mozzarella in the middle and pasta sauce poured over top . I had no idea how many points they were and did not bother to figure it out before I said , " sure , I 'd love a rice ball " ! It 's been quite a week . A sleepy week . I 'm not sure why but I can 't seem to keep my eyes open . I thought that perhaps it was a virus because my throat felt sore one morning , but I really think it 's because my CPAP machine needs to be adjusted . At work I have resorted to having lunchtime naps in the car or my boss 's office . Closing my eyes during meetings and conference calls . That works except when my head starts to nod and I scare myself . A couple of nights I went to bed as soon as I got home from work and slept for 2 to 4 hours and then turned around and went to bed for the night a few hours later . It 's not a good feeling . I have no patience and that shows in my face , which is visible to everyone , so then I get questioned about why I 'm so grumpy . I don 't mean to be a grump , I just want to curl up in the corner somewhere and sleep . I am keeping my fingers crossed that when I meet with the Doctor and get the results , that it will mean some adjustments that will bring me some relief . I was diagnosed with sleep apnea 5 years ago . Not long after obtaining my CPAP machine , my mother and I moved to Burlington and the sleep clinic lost touch with me . So I didn 't realize that I should have been going for annual check ups and tests which may have led to minor adjustments in the amount of pressure being delivered . I was well overdue for a test by the time I spoke to my family Doctor about going to a new clinic in Burlington . It was the best sleep I had had in a long time . They hooked me up to a new machine and pumped the air out so strong and it felt absolutely wonderful ! In comparison , my machine dribbles the air rather than pumping and sometimes , I 'm not even sure if it is on . I guess I 've pretty much diagnosed my tiredness . In spite of the sleep issue , I managed to get out on my bike twice last week . Not as much as I had planned , but my rides were much longer than the anticipated 30 min workouts . Instead of 3 - 30 min workouts , I did 2 - 55 min workouts . I was further ahead even though I worked out less . This week I will try to do better in that area . I also had two eating out challenges . One dinner with co - workers and a lunch out with another peer . They weren 't supposed to happen all in one week , it just worked out that way , back to back . Wednesday night I went out with the girls to Montana 's Cookhouse . Prior to going , I printed out the nutritional information and made an informed decision on what I would order . My top three choices were the Apple Pecan Harvest Salad , the Southwest Salad and the Cedar Smoked Salmon . I finally decided on the Salmon and was very happy with my choice . I LOVE salmon and it had a Cajun seasoning that was delectable . It was served with a small bowl of rice and broccoli with carrots . It was a nice serving size - bigger than I would cook at home , but that didn 't stop me from eating it all . I already had the information I needed to know that I was still within my plan points . Lunch was more challenging . We were going to go to Turtle Jack 's but they were too busy so we ended up at Shoeless Joe 's instead . I wasn 't really unhappy about the shift because I couldn 't find any of their nutritional information online and I was apprehensive about making the right decision . Since I didn 't have a chance to peruse the nutritional data prior to ordering , I kind of flew by the seat of my big ass pants and ordered what I thought would be OK . I chose the Blackened Sirloin and Goat Cheese Salad with Balsamic Dressing . Absolutely delicious ! I could estimate the points value on Weight Watchers with the calculator but I know it is high because on the Weight Watchers plan you don 't have to assign points for fruit or vegetables and lets face it , most of a salad is vegetables . I started to also track what I am eating on a free website , My Fitness Pal . com and on that website it tracks 4 categories for me , Calories , Fat , Carbs and Protein . I started to use it in conjunction with Weight Watchers because it has lots of nutritional information to help me track and I was curious to know how many calories I am consuming each day . Too much information is not a bad thing , in this case . I love the site . You can print out reports that track your progress for your weight , activity and nutrition . It 's very interactive . So with the two sites , I can 't help but succeed . And I do feel very successful right now . I lost 3 . 7 pounds last week and am now down a total of 16 pounds . I 've lost a dress size and a bit . Some items are two sizes smaller than I was and some are just one - depends on the make . Happy weekend , here I come ! at all the deer who were just hanging around . I yelled , " Oh cool ! " as I flew by . I was too busy to stop to look , knowing that they must have long taken I have discovered that something that is important to my success with my weight loss journey is not only what I put in my mouth , but what comes out of it . The things we say can have a huge impact on how we think , and ultimately on our success . Chocobear started a message board about daily affirmations and I agreed with her that I truly believe they work . I have , at different times throughout my life , used this technique to win a race , succeed at high jump and win a judo match . So I know it works . I 'm not sure why , if I know this , that I don 't always think about the words I use before I blurt them out . Words are a powerful tool . They have the ability to comfort and wound . Earlier today , I was sharing a story about my little trip to Costco last night and my mess up at the snack bar . My daughter and I had decided to go to check out a little water feature as soon as I got home from work . I was hungry and I had suggested that we eat first , but she was concerned that if we did , we wouldn 't head out the door and go afterwards . So hungry and tired , we got in the car and headed over . I decided that we might as well eat at the snack bar while we were there . Their food is cheap and that way we wouldn 't be eating too late . I had been dreaming of their hot dogs since I had been in the store the day before . Since this wasn 't a planned dinner out , I wasn 't prepared . I didn 't have any idea how many Weight Watcher points anything was and I didn 't care . I wanted a hot dog . I also wanted some fries , but I wasn 't going to have any . My daughter decided to get some though , so I gave into my desire and shared them with her . I was elated when she also said she wanted an ice cream cone . I had no intention of getting one , but was more than happy to consume 1 / 3 of it when she got too full . Today I finally figured out how many points I consumed during this little " snack bar " meal , thanks to a new web site I found called My Fitness Pal . com . It has a huge data base with information about nutritional contents of many foods . I 'm not sure but I beliePosted by Lesson learned - yet again . You can 't judge a book by it 's cover ! I didn 't listen to that old piece of advice . I decided that I liked her right away , based on her looks . Turns out I was very wrong . She is pretty , looks like a lot of fun , soft and hard in all the right places . I just thought that we would be great friends and I 'm really disappointed this morning . I 'm still feeling the pain from last night . We were only together for 1 / 2 an hour but in that little amount of time , she managed to be a real pain in the butt . She never gave up for the whole half hour , just kept poking me in the wrong place . Finally I decided that enough was enough and took her home . I felt bad . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . I had great hopes for a long lasting friendship that would help me forget about him . I can 't believe that I was wrong . I 'm usually very good at this sort of thing . We were at the local grocery store the other night and I lost track of her . It didn 't occur to me to look in the bakery section , but after running all over the store , I ventured to the forbidden zone and there she was , smile on face , slowly floating around the baked delights breathing in the scent of fresh baked goodness . I had to speak to get her out of her trance . She had a box of mini donuts in hand and was trying to decide whether or not to buy them . As much as I wanted to talk her out of it , I really wanted to go home and when I realized that my weight loss logic wasn 't working , I decided to let her make her own decision and the donuts found themselves in our grocery bags . She was surprised by my actions but understood . Later that evening , we attended Cirque Du Soleil - Dralion in Hamilton . Excellent show ! We went to the 5 : 00 pm show on Sunday because I thought it would be less busy . I made sure we ate before attending so we wouldn 't be tempted . So I relented and tasted one of the donuts . That was a huge mistake . 10 or so later ( each ) , we were down to the bottom of the bag and I started to worry about how many useless points I had just consumed . Funny how now it 's important to me , but during my " weight - gaining " period , it would not have been a second thought . After looking at Wal - Mart , K - Mart and Target , I decided that he was right . I didn 't think I was going to do it this weekend though . I was thinking I would go maybe next weekend or the weekend after that , and then suddenly it dawned on me that there was no reason to delay and why would I put off something that will ultimately get me moving again ? So that was all I needed to convince myself to get off the sofa and hit the road . With the sun roof open , the tunes blasting , I felt like a free bird . It was exhilarating . It 's a pink Schwinn , Ladies , Windwood Model . It 's a pale pink with flowers on the frame . Nice wide seat , lovely high handle bars for upright riding and matching fenders ! I got back home at 6 : 30 PM , pulled it out of the trunk and took it for a 15 min spin around the neighbourhood . I couldn 't believe how much energy I had to put into it because it is a single speed . I figure it will be better for me , since my goal is to lose weight . The time went extremely slow all day at work while I waited to get home and take a spin . I just got back and managed to do 20 mins tonight . I 'll just keep at it until I can do an hour . There are so many places to explore with my bike . The city looks different from a bicycle than it does from a car and there is nothing like the wind blowing in your face . I stood looking at him with a pain in my heart like I 've never experienced before and I thought but didn 't say , you think ? The tears hadn 't started yet . I had held it in for the arrangements , the writing of the eulogy , the actual memorial service and we had just come back to the house from the funeral . I was standing in the kitchen trying to figure out what I was doing . Was I putting the left over booze in the fridge or taking it out to the garage ? Where would I put all this food ? Why in the hell did my mother have to die ? He was asking me questions about my future . Questions I hadn 't had time to consider or think about yet . Questions that I didn 't want to think about , a part of me still in denial of what had just happened . Questions that would have to be answered , but later . Much later . I needed to cry first . I didn 't know that those questions , the ones I couldn 't answer would be the beginning of our end . I couldn 't know that then , in my numb state . I didn 't have one ounce of emotion left for anyone or anything . I was robbed of all my energy and just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a long , long time . The six weeks sleeping in the hospital at my mother 's side had taken a toll on me . I didn 't care at that moment that I seemed different . I was . I had just lost one of the most important people in my life and I would forever be different because of that . But I didn 't believe that after all the support and care I had given to him over the past 10 years that he would not be there for me . I couldn 't imagine that he wouldn 't be patient and allow me the time I needed to sort through my new reality and come to terms with my loss . That 's why I didn 't force myself to try and answer his questions , or comfort him and make him know that it would be OK , because I couldn 't . And because I was so low , I started to stay home on weekends , sorting through the belongings and trying to put order in my house . I thought , we are both adults . People who love one another understand and will wait patiently . I was wrong . Or maybe I was right , and it didn 't happen that way because there was no love on his part . I didn 't stop loving or caring . But I was neglectful . I wasn 't doing the things I used to do . I wasn 't pushing myself to do all my chores after work and before sleep so that I could be available to go to his country estate on the weekends . We were in touch every day by telephone and more often on weekends . It was a big change for us both . So we tried to stay connected as much as possible . I tried to go to the estate when his son would be there because he is like a son to me and I didn 't want to disappoint him . I did get there for bf 's birthday weekend and brought my friends along to celebrate . I made a big deal of it and it felt good . I was also available for his son 's birthday , even though it was the day after my mother 's and it was the first birthday without my mom , I didn 't let that spoil his day . He had informed me in March that I was not his gf . I thought he was just angry because of my absence . I still didn 't have the energy to do what I needed to keep it together . So I accepted that it was over , but deep down inside , I thought that once I got myself together , we would possibly be able to fix things . I would be able to dance again , just as fast as I once did , and he would be happy . He continued to call me on a regular basis and invite me to dinner with him and his son . It didn 't really seem like anything had changed except that he didn 't talk to me as much on weekends anymore . I thought that in my absence , he would have time to reflect on our relationship and in the end he would realize that he had a good thing . I never really felt appreciated or loved . When he called on Tuesday night and started to tell me what a wonderful person I was , I thought that I was right . I have a hard time accepting compliments . It makes me uncomfortable . I 'm more at ease , giving than receiving . But I listened to it . My face blushing and a smile from ear to ear , until he touched my heart with how much he misses me . Then I started to cry . I miss him too , but I can 't see any other way right now . I have to get my house in order . I have to prepare for the possibility that I may have to rent a room to hang onto it . That means sorting and getting rid of boxes that my mother and I had been carrying around with us for years . He continued with the touching words , telling me how much his son loves me and that he hopes I will always be in his life , no matter what , and I started to cry even more as memories of his son and I snorkelling for hours in the shallow waters looking for fish and treasures flashed through my mind and the thought that I would not have that anymore seemed unbearable . He knew I was crying . I couldn 't hold back the tears any longer . He kept telling me that he hoped I would feel better after we talked . He said that more than once , and I couldn 't understand what he was about to tell me that would make the pain I was experiencing disappear . Then he told me that I am a great catch and that he hoped that one day some man would fall madly in love with me and treat me like the Queen I was . I 'm not sure what was mentioned next , but I mustered up a question . I asked if he had told his son . He said he had and then he moved right into " I 'm seeing someone else " . I almost didn 't hear him . I was thinking about what his son 's reaction was . I had to confirm that I had heard right . " Did you just say you are seeing someone else ? " He said yes , and then let me know that he had already introduced his son to her and that he didn 't really like her . I was stunned . No I was floored . I was in his life for a few years before I ever met his son , or he met my family - because it was casual in the beginning . Of course my mind jumps to when did he start to see her ? If he is already introducing her to his son he must be serious . He must have been seeing her for quite some time . Maybe that is why we were having such a difficult time of things for the last year . I muttered that I thought he had been seeing someone and he said , I knew you did . I asked the question . As hard as it was , I needed to know . " No . It 's not serious , it 's really just to get over us . " I guess that last comment was meant to make me feel better . Last night I had a great dream . I always ask my mom a question before I fall asleep . I tell her that I love her and I hope she is happy and well in the afterlife and then I ask her where she put her will . The accountant insists that it will be easier to deal with the tax agency if I can find it but other than that , I don 't really need it . This morning I woke up with my head full of details . It was so clear in my mind I could close my eyes and see it just like a photograph . I 'm sure it was from my mother . Before her passing , one of our favourite topics of conversation would be about our dream kitchen . We have talked about it since we moved into our new home 5 years ago . We had most of the details figured out except one area that we did not agree on and the solution came to me in my dream . It is the best of what my mom and I had envisioned . It was a complete melding of both of our ideas and it would be perfect ! I live in a townhouse . The building is about 40 years old and the kitchen is quite small . That doesn 't bother me but it is closed off from the living room / dining room except for the two entrances . Why you would need two doors into such a small space is beyond me . My original idea was to open the kitchen completely to the dining room by removing the wall that divides it . My mom wasn 't convinced of that . She dreamt about having a counter with upper cupboards on the other small wall that opens to the living room . In my dream , instead of removing the wall to the dining room , we closed the doorway in halfway up and then opened a section in the middle so that there was a generous cut out , overlooking the dining area . A bar on the dining room side with a couple chairs and a nice bar top . The sink would be repositioned underneath the cut out so that the dish cleaner would have something to look at . There is a wall of counter and upper cupboards to replace the current blank wall . The stove is closer to the fridge , where the current sink is . Of course , the dishwasher would move under the sink or beside it . All the cupboards , fridge , stove , and flooring would be replaced . It 's white and the counter top is dark but I am not sure what material it is . I guess I shouldn 't have said that all the details were provided because I can 't remember the flooring or the countertop . However , I do remember that I have a baking area , with drawers that hold all the baking materials with additional drawers for pots and pans . I already mentioned that this is a new chapter in my life and as with all new chapters , they begin with change . I get inspired by change . I always have . So my new inspiration for this journey is finally tackling my weight for once and for all . I am like any other addict , I try to stop , am successful for a while and then fall down . The amount of time between falling and getting back up can be as short as a day or two or as long as 5 years . There is no telling how long the fall will be . It doesn 't matter . What does matter is that I never give up . I will win this game . I am determined . And just like when I quit smoking , this time feels like it is IT ! So I joined Weight Watchers Online , again . The last time I joined it was a half - hearted attempt at getting on track . Mentally , I wasn 't there and I thought that if I went through the motions that I would suddenly be struck with the inspiration and I would be off to the races . It didn 't work out that way . A year later , I was heavier than when I started . I decided it was not financially responsible to pay to gain weight so I quit . That wasn 't the brightest idea either . I slowly managed to gain enough weight to make life difficult . Climbing up and down the stairs was an effort . Walking a short distance hurt my knees . My fat was getting in the way of life . I wanted to get out and hike to take some pictures but I knew that physically I would tucker out before the shot I was looking for would be found . I didn 't want to get together with my distant friends , who were calling because then they would notice how fat I had become . I was embarrassed with the way I looked and tired with how I felt . So finally , I did the right thing and got back on the weight watchers band wagon . I totally love the online tools . I can 't believe how much they have improved their site . The best tool though is the recipe builder . You can enter three ingredients you have in your fridge or cupboard and it will present you with a variety of different recipes along with the nutritional values ( points ) . It couldn 't be easier . 2011 was a nightmare . A living nightmare . My dear mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer at the end of January and optimistically embarked on the radiation treatment band wagon . We were certain that she was going to rally and continue on for a few more years . She was such a fighter . Unfortunately , for myself and my family , she either didn 't get her treatment quick enough ( it managed to move to her brain , which meant additional treatments in the fall ) or we were in denial about how strong she was because she contracted pneumonia in October and was not able to beat it . For most of the last 17 years , my mother , daughter and I have lived together so her absence in our lives is huge . We were in a groove . For some , in particular , my good friend A . , our groove was perhaps more like a dysfunctional rut than a groove . Regardless , we loved each other and we had a routine . Now my daughter and I are learning to live without . For everyone that has experienced the loss of a close relative , you know what I am talking about . It 's a new chapter in our lives and as with all books , the plot and story is a mystery . To keep some continuity and make the transition for us easier , I have chosen to preserve my mother 's obsession of feeding the birds and have taken on her role as the neighbourhood wildlife caretaker . I 'm astonished at how much time this task takes . I didn 't realize that keeping up with our acreage would mean that I would either have to change my alarm for an earlier wake up in the morning , or that I would turn into a habitually tardy employee . I really don 't like getting up early so , now I have a bit of an issue with my boss . He doesn 't like people who are not punctual . We 'll work it out - somehow , but in the meantime , the birds , squirrels , raccoon and possums are all very happy . Best of all , I am overwhelmed with a warm sense of satisfaction and fulfillment every time I look out at our garden and see the birds and animals enjoying the same gourmet offerings and they have not had to suffer the pain from the loss of my mother as we have . Happy Mother 's Day to all the mother 's out there . I hope you have a beautiful day and that your children express their gratitude for all the sacrifices you have made . My day has been exceptional so far and I am very lucky to have such a beautiful , caring daughter . She gave me a heart - tugging card , a bouquet of flowers and prepared a three course brunch . Blueberry scones , yogurt and fruit parfait , followed by a Martha Stewart dish of eggs and bacon baked in a muffin tin lined with bread and pan fried potatoes . I used to take great pleasure in teasing her about her obsession with feeding all the wildlife but I can 't fathom not continuing in her absence . In the days following her death , I wrote a eulogy in her honour and read this at her funeral . I thought it would be fitting to share it with you today on Mother 's Day . 3 December 2011 change room located near the racks of clothes . My sister and I both had our backs to the change rooms . I 'm not sure how long she was standing in the
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Tag : dark Trimmed Wings Cages of steel and stone made especially for birds of trimmed wings , who have long ago forgotten that they can even fly . Long , raised beaks that block their view and heavy curved nails that nail them to the ground so they can only walk , and sometimes skip , not knowing that they could be tucked away among the pearly clouds . Dark birds , colourful birds , white birds , transparent birds , loud birds and quiet ones too , they all feel an itchy emptiness in their breast , not realising that the answer lies in their now self trimmed wings . The falcons , eagles and owls fly above them with nonchalance and might , with a freedom they claim to offer but never truly deliver , for the other birds are their prey . So the caged birds look at them and dream and hope and think that one day , if they keep their nails on the floor and their beaks high , then one day they too will become a bird of prey , flying free among the others , looking down on all the ones that were too weak or too unworthy to become like them . But that never happens . Only the ones that stop trimming their own wings are the ones that get a chance to soar . Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags birds , cages , dark , essay , flying , freedom , poetry , prison2 Comments on Trimmed Wings A good deed I woke up with a headache and a drooling mouth . When I tried to clean it I found out that my hands were shackled to the wall . As I tried to make sense of my situation , my eyes met another pair , which silently gazed at me . He said something , but his voice was merely background noise while my brain attempted to untangle the thoughts racing through my mind . " I remember my warm bed . " I replied . Perhaps if I close my eyes I 'll wake up there again . His only reply was a shadow of frustration that briefly perched on his brow . But it didn 't linger for long . He was about to say something else , when the door was opened . David curled himself up even more against the wall as a man walked in . He kneeled in front of me and grabbed my cheeks with his boney fingers , turning my face one way and then another , while he seemed to conduct a very superficial inspection of my state . When he was satisfied , he dropped his hand on my leg and smiled with a mouth so ugly that most of his teeth had already ran away . " What a fine specimen we have here , " he giggled . I didn 't enjoy the sudden intimacy , so I kicked him in the ribs . Being not much more than a walking skeleton , he was easily thrown across the room . When he got up , I recognised the fire in his eyes and took his kicks and punches without complaining . David blabbered something about me being crazy and to keep my head down , but I was more worried about assessing the situation , so I ignored him . It must be so distracting to have all those feelings demanding constant attention inside your head . I never understood why normal people are so fond of emotions . Right now , his were turning him into a depressing ball of human sweat . It took me a second to decide what I would answer . Telling him the truth would cause him either to freak out even more or to start yelling at me again . My patience has its limits . I forced myself to breathe in and sigh out . " Look , all you have to know about what I do for a living is that I 'm used to this kind of situations . So let 's make a deal : I promise to get you out of here alive if you promise to keep your mouth shut and do what I say . " He thought for a while . He was probably weighing his slim options , whether he could trust me and whether he actually had a choice . Finally , he agreed . He got a morsel of hope and I got some peace and a much needed helping hand . Everyone 's happy . And they say I 'm not a people person … " We 'll have to do the girl first , " said Mafia Guy , scrutinizing the papers on his clipboard . " The other one is running late . Get her ready . " He took a last look at me and disappeared , leaving the door half open . Probably , my short stature and girly look gave me the appearance of a job that could easily be handled by one person . I was appreciative of the opportunity but also slightly offended . Bones walked towards me with a key in his hand . As soon as I heard that ' click ' , I quickly moved my arm away from his reaching hand , and landed my fist on his face . He fell backwards and I threw my legs around his neck . I pulled him closer as he struggled and covered his mouth with my free hand to keep him silent , while trying to use my full weight to smother him until his consciousness drifted away . Then , I seized the key that had fallen next to us , released my left hand and went over to free David . Frisking Bones quickly , I found his gun , checked it for bullets and that it was ready to fire . After putting my head carefully out of the door , I realised that our room opened into a hallway with a flight of stairs at the opposite end , leading up . David followed my steps cautiously , with wide eyes and fidgety hands . The first door on the right was open and we could hear voices , so that 's where I started . With my back against the wall , I listened attentively and was able to distinguish two voices . Let 's hope there isn 't a mute in there as well , I thought . I gestured David to stay put and I slid in , firing the borrowed gun at two men dressed in surgical gowns . In a matter of seconds , there were no more voices , but simply a heavy silence floating in the room . I told David to get in and look for answers in the pile of documents lying on the table , while I stood by the door waiting for anyone that might have heard the shots . I could see that he was shaking as he went in , and he didn 't get much better once he noticed the two bodies on the floor . Reluctantly , he went through the papers scattered on the table . Medical files ? They had access to my file ? I moved away from the door and had a look . Sure enough , there was my medical file , along with David 's and a few others . While I was distracted inspecting the papers , something moved by the door . In a split second , my instincts took over and I ducked under the table , pulling David down with me , as a wave of bullets hit the wall above us . Under the table , I took aim at the shooter 's legs and when he fell I took aim at his head . It was Mafia Guy . I waited a while and then got up , dragging the terrified dead - weight with me . I handed David the man 's gun , who looked at it as if it was about to bite him . " You know how to use that ? " I asked . I took his resigned countenance as a yes . We moved on to the next door but it was locked . " Not yet . " These people needed me for a reason and they had access to a lot of information . After all , finding matching donors for organ donation wasn 't easy and they wouldn 't leave a witness walking about . I wasn 't going to live my life looking over my shoulder , and going to the police was out of the question for me . This had to end here . We headed to the last door and walked into a large , pale surgical room . Poorly hidden behind the surgical table , I found a nurse shivering and sobbing in a pool of tears , which I quickly put out of her misery . I could hear David gasp in horror behind me . I didn 't care . I wasn 't leaving witnesses that might come after me . Suddenly , my eye caught a familiar face . Crouching behind one of the machines was my doctor . The one that was always generously paid to fix me after my assignments and to keep what happened in his office away from the police 's ears . " Care to explain ? " I asked him as he was getting up . He looked at me for a while and then greeted David , who was as shocked to see him as I was . I could see the fear in the doctor 's eyes , even though the old man liked to play tough . " Well , what do you want me to say ? " He responded defiantly . " Taking a crook like you away from this world could almost be considered a civic duty . " " Are you kidding ? They are giving me over £ 100 . 000 for your heart alone . And something close to that for Mr . Hill 's liver . " " Mr . Hill , as you can see , there is a lot of money involved here and , if you help me , a part of it could be yours . The rest of the men are bringing the patient for the transplant as we speak , and they will soon put an end to this little stunt of yours . But I can talk to them on your behalf . After all , this lady is a very bad person . You 'd be saving innocent lives … " So the patient was coming over to us ? Good , I would like to have a chat with the idiot who got me into this mess . I looked at David , curious about what he would decide . Somehow , I wasn 't very surprised when his shaking hand starting to point the gun at me . " Off you go now . Follow that path and you should find your way out . " He seemed surprised . " I promised I would get you out , didn 't I ? What are you waiting for ? Run ! " And run he did . Probably thought I would shoot him in the back . That 's people for you . They always assume I 'm as petty as them . They forget that in order for them to hurt my feelings I would need to have feelings in the first place . I hid in the house and only had to wait for half an hour before they arrived . Two escorts with their guard down and a sick man . It was a fast job . I took their guns just in case , as well as a pack of cigarettes and a lighter , and headed downstairs to get the files . David 's too . The records of our existence were soon reduced to a pile of ashes . Once outside , my nostrils took a deep breath of fresh air . I lit a cigarette . I figured I might as well . After all , being healthy almost got me killed . ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags action , blood , dark , doctors , donor , evil , fiction , fight , hospital , organs , short story , story , TaleLeave a comment on A good deed Little Old Things The woman with black hair and green eyes smiled warmly as the man behind the counter handed her the key to her room . He was starting to tell her how to find it , when he stopped mid sentence and decided to take her there instead . The place was quiet , too quiet , and he couldn 't stand the silence that resounded throughout the whole building , grating his ears as nails on a board . He led the way while the woman followed in silence , as if a holy ritual was being performed with every step . When they reached the door to her room she thanked the man and he bade her goodnight , turning away to return to his designated post behind the counter . Now , back to the orchestra of cracking floorboards and rain splattering against the windows , he thought about her . A spectre of white , marbled skin , under a veil of hair as dark as the deep corners of a forbidden forest , had walked into his modest B & B so silently that he only realised she stood behind him when he heard her voice . Her face looked like it had been dried by the passing of the years , her thin body sinking under a black dress of mourning and reverence , a body that seemed to him so out of context away from the golden coffins that are gently cradled by the voice of eternity under the ancient sands of the Nile . " One night , " that 's all she said to him . He tried to read the name she had written down in his book , but her handwriting was impossible to decipher . He heard the kitchen door opening and closing and recognised the cotton steps heading towards him . " Thank you . It 's an old house and much of her beauty has been eroded by time . I would like to restore her but I 'm afraid the business isn 't doing very well at the moment . " " That 's a shame , " she replied . " To allow such a beautiful place to go to waste … I like old things , you see . Old things are thumb stones to all the memories that lived and died around them . Like this watch , for example , " she removed a silver , hand sculptured pocket watch from her purse and showed it to the host . " This watch is as old as time itself . It has seen the rise of mankind and it shall be here to see its fall . " " If it was here before mankind , then who made it ? " He asks . " Not who , but what , " she replied . " But that doesn 't matter at the moment . I want to give it to you as a thank you for having such a pleasant stay . It might help you . Keep it here , close to the front door and good things shall come through it " . " When good things happen … well , don 't question too much . Never try to discover how the watch 's mysteries come to be . It will only break the spell . Make sure you always remember this . " And , with that , she left . The man looked at the beautiful watch resting in his hand , time reverberating gently through his skin with ever tick and every tock . He let out a long sigh . If he sold it , he thought , perhaps he could get enough money to improve his business . " I 'll do it tomorrow " , he decided , for he had a day of work ahead of him . He opened a drawer and placed the watch carefully in it . He starred at it for a minute before finally closing the drawer and going about his work . That day , the mood of the skies changed quickly , with a sunny winter morning turning into an evening of dark stormy clouds , fat with rain and thunder . Throughout the night , the rain knocked against the roof tiles and the windows , like a wet monster begging to be let in , while the wind whistled the ancient songs it had learned far away , bringing with it razors of cold and desolation that swirled around the old house , grazing even further its already beaten surface . At midnight , as the host and his family lay asleep in their beds , oblivious to the changes happening outside , everything went quiet for a moment . Then , with all the force of a torrent , wind and rain forced open all the doors and all the windows , and all went dark inside the old B & B . Family and guests got out of their beds in panic , running about the house closing windows , shutting doors , holding candles that kept being blown off even when there was no wind left in the room . Eventually , things calmed down and everyone was able to return to the land of forgotten fantasies that awaited them in their wooden nests . In hearing this , the man hurried downstairs . When he reached the bottom of the stairs he looked perplexed at the amount of guests flooding his living room . He ran quickly to the counter and started taking names and handing out keys as fast as he could . His little B & B was full by nightfall and the host struggled to find an old forgotten ' Sold out ' sign that his memory assured he still had , hidden under a pile of dust somewhere . As the days passed , the guests kept coming one after another and he easily forgot about the watch and the strange woman who had given it to him . It was only when he opened that drawer looking for a pen that he was reminded of that morning . Now , he began to take her words more seriously . Could it be possible that the watch had caused all of this ? He took the delicate object out of the drawer and held it in his hands in order to see it better . He opened it and closed it again . It was indeed a beautiful piece of craftsmanship , but could it really be magical ? That seemed nonsense to him . After some time , finding that he couldn 't keep it to himself any longer , he decided to tell his wife and daughter what had happened , so as to get their opinion on the matter . As he told them about the woman , the watch , and the warning that she had made before leaving , he was amazed to find excitement in their faces instead of the surprise that he was expecting . Day after day , their B & B seemed to never lose its charm . The rooms were always clean , the flowers were always fresh , the garden was always tended and , every now and then , a brand new garden gnome would appear , like a colourful flower that sprouted during the night . But , remembering the warning that the woman had given , the family never tried to figure out how all of these things were happening . At first , their curiosity was gnawing at their imagination , but soon it all became routine and they grew accustomed to all the mysterious helping hands working around them . And so , they lived happily for a very long time . Most of the guests ended up returning several times and some of them even became long term residents , so the little house was soon filled with new friendships and familiar faces , which made the family 's work and life much more pleasant than before . Of course , every now and then , a guest would leave during the night without paying , but these were rare and for the most part their guests were all pleasant and respectful . One evening , a new couple checked in . At first they seemed perfectly nice but , later on at dinner , after having had a few drinks , the couple began to fight in the middle of the dining room . The other guests were visibly disturbed and a few went up to their rooms sooner than usual , but not without complaining about the noisy couple . The host , who was very tired after a long day of work , gathered all the patience he still had left in him and was able to persuade the couple to retire to their room . During the night , however , the husband became hungry and decided to pay a visit to the kitchen , in order to get something to eat . Half asleep , he dragged himself through the corridors in the darkness , his hands following invisible patterns on the walls . When he reached the kitchen door , he stopped . A dozen child - like voices could be heard singing in unison on the other side , their melody accompanied by an orchestra of kitchen sounds , such as plates and pans , and things boiling and cooking . The man opened the door and went in . " It was him , officer ! " Shouted the woman behind two salty rivers of tears , raising her shaking hand to point at the host . " He was rude to us last night and then he went up to our bedroom and took my husband ! " " Please , madam , I would never do such a thing , " retorted the host . " Your husband has had quite a lot to drink last night . I 'm sure he simply wandered off somewhere while you were asleep and will turn up eventually . " The police tried to get her to go home but she refused . She decided that she wouldn 't leave the B & B until her husband was found . The police , however , without finding any sign of a crime , assured the wife that her husband probably had just left . These cases were common , they said . After all , the couple had been fighting that night and there was no reason to believe that anyone had any real grudge against the man . The officers eventually left , leaving behind a vague promise that they would look into it further . The wife , however , was determined that something had happened . She knew her husband and she was sure that he wouldn 't leave , not like that . No , it was that host ! He clearly had taken a dislike to her husband . She could tell by the way that he talked to them that night . Sure , they were a little loud , but nothing that would merit such a rude attitude . No , her husband didn 't run . It was the host ! He did something to him during the night and she was determined to find proof of that . Hours later , she lay in bed listening to the faint noises that floated gently in the dead of the night . The old house moaned , the invisible mice chased each other inside the walls , the wind sang haunted lullabies that made the trees dance under a ceiling of stars . Unable to fall asleep , she got up and silently headed for the kitchen to get a glass of water . As she opened the door , her eyes faced a sight that made her wonder whether she was still in her bed dreaming . In front of her , a great number of incredibly tiny people went about the kitchen cooking and singing and cleaning . They all stopped at the same time and looked at her . A little winged person took flight and stood hovering in front of her nose for a while , before blowing a strange powder into her eyes . The next day the host let out a sigh of relief when he found out that the woman 's room was empty and that she was gone . All that excitement was affecting the atmosphere in the house and he couldn 't wait for things to go back to normal . This whole affair seemed quite strange to him , but then again he was used to ignoring anything that seemed unusual . And so , after some time , he was able to put the whole thing out of his mind . As he was walking down the stairs his daughter was coming in from her morning walk . " Good morning father " , she greeted , " Have you seen the new gnome that we have in the garden ? ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags B & B , competition , dark , fairies , fairy tale , fiction , mystery , NYC challenge , short story , Tale1 Comment on Little Old Things Search for : As you all know , we have a very special pet in our hostel called Tic Toc . He is a dwarf crocodile , a very rare species endemic to the London hostels , and his main duty is to open the luggage room for our lovely guests . However , he is also in charge of eating those who don 't do [ … ] Nico , one of our favourite guests , was back on the kitchen tonight to make us some blueberry muffins with a delicious raspberry topping . His secret ? A pinch of cider added to the dough when you 're not looking . It was worth it though , the muffins were absolutely delicious ! I 'm voting for adding whiskey next time ! After [ … ] Let Ken Lum Lee take you on a photographic tour of Hangzhou and the breathtakingly beautiful Sheraton Grand Hangzhou Binjiang Hotel . Barbara Do you ever feel like something should feel familiar but in reality feels even more alien ? That 's exactly how I felt when I recently went to China . Although I grew up in London all [ … ]
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When I found out that I did have breast cancer for sure and had started making all the appointments for all the other Dr 's . I kept trying to call Diane in between all the phone calls … but she never did answer the phone for that whole week . We do live less than a 1 / 2 mile from each other , and if I didn 't tell her about my diagnosis soon I was going to have a huge melt down . I was trying so hard to keep it together so I didn 't make everyone else lose it while I gave them my awful news . I couldn 't wait anymore so I got into my wheel chair and pushed myself on over to her house a few streets away . She was on the phone when I went into her kitchen to find her and as soon as she hung up with whoever she was talking to she looked at me and said " you have cancer don 't you . " , I shook my head yes and we sat down to drink coffee and talk for a while . She told me that she had purposefully been ignoring my calls because she couldn 't take hearing if for sure . Anyway , we have had some people offer to help out around the house or just sit and read with me because my eyes don 't focus very well anymore . But for every ten people who offered to help us out only one or two actually came to help at all . I know people mean well when they offer help but that 's not something that anyone should take lightly . I really did need the help that was offered but we ended up going without or just doing the best we could to keep the house looking at least partially clean . Especially now when I have a 24 hr cough that never goes away . I couldn 't handle getting any more health problems . Here where I live we 've been getting a lot of dust in the air ( even inside through the filters ) . When my sister Elaine decided to come to visit and stay with me , literally at my side , she did everything she could do to take care of me . She was amazing at remembering when all of my meds were due and she jumped awake every time I had a coughing fit in the middle of the night . Again I 'll never remember everything that she did but I could never thank her enough . When Elaine went back home last month my bff Diane literally moved into my guest room so that she and Rick could take turns taking care of me when I needed someone to help me . Between the two of them I 'm well looked after . I had trouble all along with letting anyone help me take a bath but I 've been told to only move when I absolutely have to . I broke down and with the help of a shower chair Diane has now seen all the scars from all the missing body parts and procedure scars . She 's been my friend for about 27 years now and I 've never let her see all old my scars so I thought she might be a little shocked , she wasn 't and I now have baths more often that I could before . That 's not all she does . I won 't give you a list but she and Rich are taking turns with doing everything in the house , except when Jesse 's friend Danny stays over night to listen for my cough ( Jesse works nights ) and Rick and Diane are running on empty . I wish that I could do more than say thank you to them all the time but I think that I make it very clear how appreciative that Diane left her own family at her house and came here to care for me . For those of you who understand bc lingo , it 's 6x9cm now and counting . My lungs are giving me a problem , but only when I want to breath so I 'm working on holding my breath as long as I can at a time . I have to get back into bed now . I can 't believe that writing takes all my energy right out of me . My one and only thing left that I really love to do and it 's slowly fading away … just like everything else it seems . I 'm trying to stay in a good mood and since I 've needed him home all the time I decided that Rick should accept an invitation to go our for crab legs . He loves that kind of food but I never did so he 's probably missed out on a whole lot of having it for dinner . I promised him I would still be alive when he came home and scooted him out the door . He really deserves a night with a friend right now . Jan29 Yesterday I wasn 't doing very well and I was in a terrible amount of pain . Normally I would be able to push the button on my IV pain meds and then I would feel a little bit better . When I push that button it gives me a whole hours worth of pain meds all at once . I know that I have a nurse coming this morning to set up a new IV bag so I figured I would just wait for her to come and tell her that my pain button wasn 't working for the extra pain meds . I guess it was about 9pm last night when everything on my IV meds quit working at all . The only pain meds that I take are in that bag so I hadn 't been getting pain meds for hours before I knew what was happening and I had to call my nurse late last night to ask her to come to my house right away and fix it . She was yawning when I was telling her on the phone what was happening , but she came right over . I told her that I was really sorry that I had called her at home after she had worked all day but she made me feel better about calling her . I like my nurse … she understands what the pain can do to people . She ended up having to take the needle out of my port and insert a new needle and luckily the new one flushed perfectly . I was in so much pain by the time that she had it working right again that I actually felt the pain meds go into my body , normally I wouldn 't feel the pain meds at all . I asked her why that would happen and she said that I was moving around too much . I hardly do anything at all and now just taking a bath is a big deal . I don 't know how I can do less that I already do . I think I 'll spend my time watching a movie this morning so I don 't try to clean anything because I know I 'll hurt myself if I do . I do have a box of M & Ms and a pot of fresh coffee to comfort me . My best friend Daine was here for days doing dishes and cleaning my floors so I think that just watching her do all the work that she did was what hurt me . I did probably do one or two things without realizing I was doing anything at all because she was doing so much . I don 't know how she has put up with me for twenty seven years ( I think ) , but she 's the only reason that my house looks as good as it does . Thank you Daine ! I hope you 're coming back soon , but for visiting or watching a movie or something . Jan17 My take on life is most likely not what everyone else sees . Things that used to be very important to me are way back in the background , and different things are up front now . First lets take my morning routine . I wake up a little later now than I used to because I get up every few hours throughout the night . After each four - hour ' nap ' I try to do one or two things that I would have before waited for the afternoon to get working on . Then there 's sleep its self . I have to take pills for this that and the other ( right now I have pneumonia again ) that usually makes me a little sleepy so the four - hour sleep thing actually works out fine . I would have thought that only sleeping in four - hour intervals would make me tired all the time , but it gives me a little bit of time after each four hours to do a few things . This morning I woke up and had a cup of coffee and read a few pages of my book and decided that I might have enough energy left to knock out a quick post . I know I 'll have to write it quickly because I 'm already getting tired , hopefully the coffee will help with that so that I can stay up a while longer . I have my M & Ms too so one more cup of coffee and I 'll be fine . I have a friend who I haven 't seen in a few months that showed up a few days ago and wanted to know if it was all right if she came to stay with me for a while to help with all of the housework and to keep me company . It 's nice to have people come over to see what they can do to help us out . We need help all the time so we have friends coming and going throughout the days . Some just come to keep me company and those are the ones who can 't help with any other needs . I think that kind of help is so precious . I 'm not one who normally likes to have a lot of people around the house because I 'm embarrassed that my house isn 't always clean anymore . That doesn 't seem important these days . I told her that she 's welcome to come and help out for a while . She should be here sometime today . Then we have the bills . I can 't ever find the words to convey how embarrassing it is to have to admit that we can 't make ends meet anymore . I 've always hated having to admit that we need help but I 'm putting my pride away and asking for help in different ways . First we just signed up for state services for food and health insurance for Rick , he needs to be able to keep taking care of his heart . He went for over a week without taking his heart pills and never told me because he knew we had no way to come up with enough money to pay for his meds . We now have decided that we can 't just go without some things . I 'm setting up a way for people to help us financially if they want to . I think Elaine is working on a way for people to help in different ways . Some want to mail a check and some want to pay bills directly , and some just want to send cash or a money order . Elaine will make sure that if you want to help financially then it will be excepted in whatever form you wish . I think that letting people send us money is right up there at the top of embarrassing / humiliating . I 've come to accept that it 's alright for me to say when we need help , and boy do we need help ! Like I 've said before we have helped so many other families when we were able to over the years and I wish I knew how hard it was for the people we were helping . I always just figured that they were happy to have some financial relief and that was the end of it . Well , that is so not the end of it . I remember feeling so happy about giving people whatever they needed , but I think that now its my time to learn how other people feel about having to except charity . Thank God we 've never had or used credit cards , I don 't like to make payments on things , so if we didn 't have the cash to purchase anything we just saved up for things . I think that I missed this entire Christmas season because I did everything but hide in my bed to stay away from people . I wanted my family to have a good time , but I think that I could have helped to make it a better holiday , even without any money . I know that my mood swings are coming from all the meds and the pain I 'm going through . I 'm so used to having a lot of pain but this is way more than what I 've ever had to deal with … and it 's only going to get worse . I did finally get my mother to agree to take me to make my final arrangements while I 'm able to have a say in everything . Of course I have a long time to go yet but I didn 't want to wait until I can 't go with the family to choose what I want . Rick and mom need to make theirs as well . I don 't think that anyone should wait until their too sick to go and have a say in their own final wishes . I might think about things differently now but it 's only because I don 't want all the difficult things left for other people to take care of . My muscles are all very stiff when I wake up … every time I wake up , but then it gets a little better as I get up and move around a little bit . I get very excited when I 'm able to finish any chore on my own , and I make sure that everyone in the house at the time knows that I accomplished something on my own . Here is a recent pic that was taken just hours before my sister Elaine left to go back go back to NC . : Nov24 I 'm still really sick from changing my pain meds and I 've been trying to sleep as much as I could , but I keep waking up every two hours in pain . I know that I 'll be better soon but when you 're in this much pain it 's really difficult to be patient about it . Rick and Mom took care of Thanksgiving and I pretty much just tried to stay out - of - the - way . I guess it 's better than last year when they had to bring me dinner in the hospital . I 'm trying to look on the bright side … but it isn 't very easy right now . I 'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired . I feel like I can 't do a damn thing anymore without having to pay for it for days afterwords . I wanted so badly to have the house looking nice for my family to come here for Thanksgiving dinner , and I didn 't do that much , at least not enough to put me in the shape I 've been in since then . My whole body hurts , and I know that some of that is from switching my meds , but just for one day I would like to feel healthy . I was looking forward to getting the last check from worker 's comp so we could pay for the bills far enough ahead for Rick to start getting a paycheck . Because Rick had been released to go back to work we expected a final check from worker 's comp , but it was nowhere near what we thought it would be . I honestly have no clue how we 're going to get through the next month . Rick is out right now trying to find a job that he can manage without hurting himself anymore than he already has , but we didn 't know that he was going to be cut off like he was . On the bright side , now we can settle the claim for the personal injury , and hopefully it will at least cover all the bills . I 'm not even thinking about buying Christmas presents anymore . I 'm more concerned with just getting by . I don 't even have the heart to put up the tree . I had planned to put it up days ago , but I could barely move so I figured I would just wait until I was feeling better . So much for feeling better . I know Rick will get hired on quickly with all the experience he has under his belt . I just can 't believe that all this shit happens to us . I 'm starting to feel like the universe has it out for me . With any luck at all we might get the settlement money from the accident before Christmas . But with our luck the attorney 's fees will be more than the settlement . Just another case of truth being stranger than fiction . Rick told me not to worry and that everything would work out fine , but at this point I 'm having a really hard time not worrying . I probably shouldn 't have put all of this in my blog , but I 'm stressing about it and this is how I process everything . I hope nobody reading this was looking for a happy post . I just found out about the worker 's comp check ( or lack there of ) so maybe I 'll be in a better mood later , but right now I don 't think I could take anymore bad news . I 'm all out of sunshine ! I think that considering my situation I need and upside down pink tree … it seems so appropriate . Nov21 Even though Rick has been in a tizzy about getting his pc to work again I really didn 't want to miss out on my morning posts , luckily my lovely daughter suggested that I use the laptop that we gave her last year for Christmas to be able to write my posts with . Jesse can be a huge pain in the ass sometimes , but she also is the single most kind and generous person I 've ever known . When we bought her this laptop we also bought two others for Justin and Ashley . And because we aren 't rich , we went to a reconditioned laptop store and were able to get all three , with new cases for less that we would have paid for one brand new one . All three kids were happy though because we had been telling them that there might not be any presents under the tree at all because we were hurting so badly financially . Rick would sell a kidney to be able to give our kids what they want for Christmas , but as they get older the presents seem to get more expensive … go figure . So this year Rick and my mother want to have the holiday family get - together at our house . I tried to get out of it because I would have to go over my house with a fine tooth comb just so that I 'm not embarrassed to have family here . Don 't get me wrong , they would probably not give a shit what my house looked like … it 's all me . I did manage to get the entire downstairs cleaned to my satisfaction , and then I spent the whole day yesterday trying to nurse the pain I had caused myself by doing things like reaching up with a swiffer duster while standing on one leg with nothing to hold on to just to clean my ceiling fan . Every time I touched the damn thing it started spinning around . Jesse and her best friend were told that they had to clean Jesse 's bathroom and the downstairs bathroom before I would give them the car keys to take all their friends skating . I still have to do a little more on the bathroom that Jesse ' cleaned ' , but at least she tried . She hates to clean . This morning when the pharmacy opens I have to go and pick up my new meds . I haven 't taken this particular kind in years , but I do remember that one of the reasons that I didn 't want to keep taking them before was because they gave me way too much energy . Rick would have to demand that I sit in the recliner and take a break after six straight hours of doing chores . Now with as much as I need more energy just to do simple things , I 'm hoping that it will work better for me this time . I do remember that it worked great for pain though so I can 't wait to see what happens . Rick also told me yesterday that he wants to put up our Christmas tree today . I guess he wanted to have the house decorated before the family comes over . Last year he didn 't help at all , Diane and I had to do it ourselves while Rick watched TV pr played his games . To be honest I really don 't remember because I had my hands full of lights that someone had just thrown into a box . I am curious to see what decorations we have left . Every year more seem to hit the void . My favorites are the ones that my kids made for me when they were just old enough to be able to write their own names on them . I think everyone I know has at least one tiny little popsicle stick snow sled with glitter on it , and a red ribbon to hold it to a tree branch . So today while Rick starts digging out all the Christmas decorations , I 'll be sitting in the middle of them all trying to figure out which lights are still in good working condition . I 'll gently pick out the broken balls ans play where 's waldo to find enough extension cords to be able to plug everything in . I really don 't enjoy the process … but I love having the tree all lit up in the evenings leading up to Christmas . I also have a green and white wreath that hangs on my front door , this is the closest one to mine that I could find a picture of … except that my front doors are white so it looks really pretty . Happy holidays everyone . cin Nov17 I never have been one to make a big deal about Christmas … but Rick waits all year for it so I try to go along with whatever he wants to do . We did get some very exciting news yesterday that is going to make the holidays much happier for my family . We didn 't win the lottery or anything like that , but we did find out that our lives are about to start getting back to normal if all goes well from here on out . After Rick was hit by a car while unloading his truck at work we had to get a lot of lawyers involved . Three different firms have been helping with getting him the compensation that he deserves , as well as all the medical treatments that he 's had to have for the past few years . A few days ago we found out that worker 's comp wanted him to go back to work and they also agreed that he has a permanent partial disability that will limit what kind of work he 'll be able to do for the rest of his life . I know that I mentioned in an earlier post that Rick thought he might like to go back to working in management of a telemarketing company , and he also wants to work some place where he can put to good use all the experience that he has from being in a truck . Now he 's able to start actually going on interviews . Yesterday his own Dr agreed that Rick is able to start working again , as long as he starts off only working part - time with limitations . We were told that for the first six months he 'll have to also go to physical therapy and have massage therapy to help with the pain of getting used to a work setting . What was funny was that both when the nurse walked in , and then also when the Dr came in , they both came straight to me , took my hand , and asked how I was doing . Rick finally said something after the Dr did it too . Sorry babe , but I 'm just more important . jk 😉 We really thought that this was going to be a very sad Christmas because we simply won 't have any way to go and get any gifts for our kids … let alone all the rest of the family and friends that we would normally get a gift for . It 's not that we ever were rich , far from it , but we always managed to find a way to give a little something to everyone . The year before last my mother and I spent two weeks straight baking every kind of cookie we could think of for the family , and everyone else we could think of also received a nice dish of assorted goodies . Chocolate dipped pretzels were the easiest to make so I loved doing those . Mom likes to make candy so we also had a few hundred home - made peanut butter cups … a lot of those ended up at my house because they 're Rick 's favorite . But , last year we didn 't have enough money to buy all the ingredients to make as much as the year before , not to mention that I spent most of November and December in the hospital having surgeries , so I couldn 't help mom bake . I was released from the hospital after my mastectomy late on Christmas day . I missed all the good stuff . Rick did bring me a tiny little Christmas tree in the hospital with a few of my gifts from the family to put under the tree , so I know that I wasn 't forgotten … but it 's never the same as being home with the family . The nurses wanted to know if he had a single brother . I doubt that I 'll be able to do much , if any , shopping this year , but I do have the knowledge that everything can and will start getting back to normal . I don 't have a clue how long we 'll have to wait for the lawyers to finish with all the final details , it usually takes another six months to find out what the end result will be . But in the mean time , Rick can get back to having somewhat of a normal life again . I love having the house to myself when he 's working , and I know that working makes him feel so much better about himself . None of this was in any way his fault , and I feel bad for him that he 's had to go through any of it . So this year Christmas , although it won 't be back to normal just yet , will be a time when we can at least be happy about life again . All the endless medical crap with both of us has definitely taken a huge toll on all of us , but now we have something to look forward to again . It 's been a long time since I could think about anything in the future and he happy about it . This year we have a Grand Daughter coming , Rick will be working again , and hopefully in a few months we can start slowly paying back all the family that 's been helping us , and if we play our cards right we might even be able to find a few small gifts for under the Christmas tree . This is the one that Rick wants to put up this year . He thinks that he can cut a branch of of out front patio tree and put his favorite little blue ball on it too . For the past twenty five years Rick has managed to hide a blue ball somewhere on the tree , no matter what colors I use for the rest of the decorations . He says it 's ' special " to him . I think it 's funny . Justin and Ashley made it to NC , where Rick 's little sister lives , and they 'll be staying there with her for a little while so that they can find new jobs and save enough money to get their own place after the baby comes . I do wish they had moved back to Arizona , but I know that they will be in good hands with Rachael . She always has done her best to help out all of her nieces and nephews when she could . She takes after her father in that way and many others . He was a great man . Rick is hoping that we 'll be able to go and see our Grand Daughter when she 's born , but I don 't know if we 'll be able to just yet . Like I said , it could be a very long time before we see a penny from him being hurt . But at least we know that this whole bull shit legal thing will be over soon . I just hope that I 'm feeling well enough to travel that far . I walked a long way yesterday on my crutches to Rick 's Dr and now I 'm paying for it this morning … . but it was a well wort it trip . Nov14 So , yesterday afternoon I was out side on the patio talking to Rick about his appointment Thursday with the lawyers , and I asked him what the date was . I never do know what day of the week it is and most of the time I can 't remember what day of the month it is either . He told me the date and I suddenly remembered that I had something to do . I looked in my purse for any appointment cards and found on from my pain center with a time of 1 : 45 yesterday afternoon . I called my mom and asked her to take me , because my car needs to have repairs done , which I can 't afford right now , and she made sure that I was there on time . Thank God for mom . I waited longer than usual in the exam room for the PA to come in , but I didn 't mind because he always spends a lot of time talking to me so I just figured that he was talking to someone else ( I could hear him in the next room ) and he would be in as soon as he could . When he came in he sat next to me and said " How are you doing ? " I said " shitty , how about you ? " He said the same thing , " shitty " . He wanted to know why I wasn 't doing well and I told him about how I thought that I was starting to have problems in my arm . I did have a lot of lymph nodes taken out when I had my breast amputated ( I think the word mastectomy doesn 't do it justice ) , twenty - eight the last time and eight the first time . Even one being taken out can cause you to have a lot of pain and swelling in your arm . I haven 't had any trouble with it in this past year so I 'm not convinced that it isn 't the tumor in my arm pit pushing on things that are causing pain all the way into my hand . I watched for any swelling or anything like this before , but I never saw anything . And , I 've usually been able to get relief from the pain pills after I healed from each surgery . I 'm a little worried that this is only the beginning of the problems with my arm . Anyway , the PA wanted to change my meds ( which he does every so often ) and scribbled for a while on some paper , trying to figure out the correct amount of the other pain meds to equal what I was already on . I would have needed a calculator for all those math problems . After a while he gave up and went to go to the back office to speak to my Dr and ask him what he thought should be written . When the PA came back he was laughing . I asked him what was going on and he , still laughing , said that some Dr had called my Dr and told him that I didn 't have breast cancer … that he thought that it was a misdiagnosis . I wish I was a fly on the wall for that conversation . When I was first diagnosed and still had all the tumors in my body I had to be admitted to the hospital for pain . I insisted after almost a week that they call in my own pain Dr because he already knew me and I trusted him . They refused until I started screaming in pain , and I also sent my husband across the street to the Dr 's office to tell him personally that I needed him and why . My own Dr showed up in my hospital room at about eight pm when he was on his way home for the night . When he came in he sat down held my hand and put his head in my lap and cried . He told me that no matter what happens he 'll be there to see me through this . I believed him then and I still believe in him now . He chewed out the hospital staff and changed the meds I was on and I was able to go home two days later . If he hadn 't come in to help me I don 't know how long I would have been there . I don 't have a clue what Dr would have called him unless it was the Medical Director at the hospice that I was in a few months ago who wanted me to have more scans and tests to prove what my prognosis was after I had my surgery . They do have to make sure that you qualify to be in hospice so I know why they wanted more proof . But , if they would have told me at the time what they were looking for I could have had the reports from the Cardio Thoracic surgeon and the pathology reports sent to them . I didn 't know then that they didn 't have everything . I haven 't seen an Oncologist for about eight months now because I didn 't have any reason to go to one . I wasn 't having chemo and I didn 't know that I would need to be continually getting tested for something that doesn 't go away on its own . I made all of my choices clear to all my Dr . s and I figured that they would all talk to each other when they needed information . Anyway , my own Dr knew better than to believe that it was all a mistake and thought that the one who had called him and told him that it was all a misunderstanding was an idiot . I 'm very glad now that I insisted on having my own Dr come to the hospital because he saw for himself that there was no mistake and that I simply wasn 't going along with all the usual treatments for IDC . Some people ( including Dr . s ) think if I 'm not doing chemo and radiation that I must not have cancer . It only it were . I did ask my PCP to get me a referral for another Oncologist so that there wouldn 't be anymore questions about my prognosis . Just incase I need proof from now on . So now I start the new meds next week , I know that I 've taken them before but I don 't remember if I had any problems with taking them . Hopefully it 'll help me without giving me any more issues to deal with .
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His wife was acting squirrely . Anna was normally a very serious woman , practically no sense of humor at all and that suited Abraham Hesse just fine . He was a scientist , she was a scientist , there wasn 't much room for silliness in their professions , nor in their home . Thankfully , they 'd had two kids , Peter and Olive , who were just as serious as they were . He 'd first noticed the change in his wife on Tuesday . She 'd been in the kitchen , on her phone , giggling . Anna was not a giggler , it didn 't need to be said . He 'd asked her what was so funny but she 'd flipped her phone over and said something about adding to the grocery list . It was true that Anna kept a running list on her phone so he 'd dismissed it at once . Perhaps he 'd only misheard her . Perhaps she 'd been clearing her throat . However , before dinner on the same night , he was sure he heard her humming . Anna was not a hummer , that went without saying . That was , in fact , ridiculous . When he got closer to her , the sound stopped and she turned to him questioningly . Her face was unlined , he was startled to see how much younger she looked . He quickly left the room without saying anything . On Wednesday morning , Anna got up much earlier than the rest of them , and when he blearily turned off his alarm he swore he could hear her singing in the shower . Anna was not a singer . In fact she was very close to tone deaf and rarely even listened to the radio . When he approached their shared bathroom door , the singing stopped , and the space seemed filled only with the rush of water . Could he have imagined it ? A slip of a dream still in his mind when he awoke ? The following day he caught Peter , Olive , and their mother huddled together in the kitchen . As soon as he entered the room they sprang apart , each going their separate way . He stood for a moment , annoyed , then left by the front door without a word . Perhaps they 'd only been planning something - a school project maybe . A coincidence that they had scattered like rats with a secret , nothing more . On Saturday his serious faced son Peter ( so much like his own , that face ) had a soccer game . Abraham attended as usual sitting in the stands with the other parents - keeping himself purposely separate . He hated small talk . After awhile he grew puzzled , then concerned . The boy looked like stranger - a smile ready on his face , his gaze easy and relaxed . He was enjoying himself on the field . It was Peter out there , but it wasn 't Peter . Had his whole house gone mad ? It was too much . He could tolerate a little eccentricity from his wife but to have it affect his children ? Never . Their futures were at stake . He called a family meeting . They met in the living room . He in the chair , his son across the marble coffee table , his wife and daughter closest to him on the sofa . Despite the stern look on his face and the tension in his shoulders , they all had the audacity to be smiling at him . Unsettled , he realized his wife and daughter were even holding hands . " Dear god , " he said , although he had never uttered the words before . He swallowed hard . " I 'll think of something . I 'll fix this . I know I can . " His voice was barely a whisper , his body didn 't move out of the chair . He was riveted in place by the sight of his family , and their condition . His son reached for his hand , but Abraham sat back out of reach . He was studying a problem that he meant to solve . His concentration was total . " How can I kill it , " Abraham whispered . " Maybe I can cut it out ? " His wife laughed , sweet and bell - like , like nothing he 'd ever heard before . " Abraham , you can 't kill happiness . No matter its form . " He shrugged his shoulders , continuing to stare until his wife sighed , rubbing at an arthritic knee , and headed back towards the house . " Just get it outta here , will you ? " she said . Tom fetched the ladder but when he set it up he found himself unmotivated , stuck halfway up . Why did it even need to come down ? He liked it , though he couldn 't say why . Its clothes were faded red , sleeves torn and pants ripped but it felt more alive to him than he , himself did . It didn 't hurt like he did , wasn 't bent and crooked , achy . Its teeth rattled at him , seeming to talk , or maybe just chomp in his direction . He leaned closer to it and saw that there were wispy bits of white hair attached to its scalp , not unlike his own . He climbed back down , leaving the ladder and the skeleton to the morning sun . Into the night the skeleton danced among the bare branches of the tree . Frayed clothes knitted together , twisted muscles stretched across its bones . Blood dripped from fingertips that covered slowly with skin . Eyes bulged , then covered with eyelids , teeth hid behind lips , wispy hair thickened and coarsened , turned dark . The cat stood in her place in the yard , swishing her tail back and forth , watching the slow and ponderous figure making its way through the field beyond the leaf littered yard . Watching its shoulders roll and the clothes on its back flutter and whip , the red plaid flannel shining in the early morning sunlight . Soon the figure walked more steadily , then confidently , striding . Youthful hands swept once through dark hair before settling over his heart . As light painted the meadow a golden hue he broke into a run , an old man turned young , and disappeared from view . Wilder 's named after his grandpa , Wilder Thompson , the great explorer . Esteemed in his community , even got a park named after him . City folks want a statue of him but say it ain 't in their budget . Maybe next year , they say . That 's been goin ' on twenty years now . Wilder , he 's six , going on seven . Towheaded boy . Kinda small for his age , stretchy little boy muscles . In the womb he never stopped movin ' , I swear he pushed himself outta my body all of his own . He bit me , hard , six days after he 's born . His brothers and sisters , Emmaline , Gertrude , Johnny , William , and George , they was all sleepers at that age ; Wilder he was screamer and a biter . He 's two when he discovered the gift of fire . Most babies that age they scared a fire . One touch and their little fingers don 't wanna touch it no more . Wilder , he 's the opposite . He stared at it , then stuck one skinny little finger in the candle fire like he couldn 't help himself . Over and over again . Til he cried to hisself . When he 's three we called him the destroyer , just between the two of us , you understand , Wilder 's daddy and me . He broke furniture and his brother 's toys , my only good vase . Tossed our Bible in the fireplace , a real family heirloom . He broke spoons on his back too , acting like that he would really get it - we were good parents , we tried to teach him right . We beat him regular but it didn 't matter . There was no taming our Wilder , he 's aptly named . We didn 't send him to school , we kept him home . We knew no teacher could keep him and why would we do that to some poor woman ? Emmaline , bless her heart , tried to teach him at home but by then , Wilder was more mean than innocent . He waited til she took a nap , then took a glass an ' with the sun 's accomplice , heat , he burnt her hair right up . Her pretty long hair she 's so proud of . Just turned it into a burnt singed mess . Soon after , he jumped from the rafters - how 'd he get up there ? and landed right on Gertrude . I say landed . I mean aimed . He stuck her so hard he broke her arm . Poor Gertrude , good hearted , heaven sent . She never even raised her voice to the boy but I see her avoid him now . No one could blame her , Wilder had no fear for himself , his own pain , you could just see it in his eyes . He just needed the pain of others . He 's sleeping less now . I lay awake an ' listen for him at night . Some nights dawn greets me ' fore my eyes close . I worry . I worry about my other younguns . Their futures . George , he 's old enough now to marry only nobody will take him . Like he 's tainted . Like he 's got bad things inside of him too . Johnny and William , the twins . One light , one dark headed , both angels . My sweet boys . Best helpers on the farm , those two . Dedicated . I send one to get water at the well and the other , he follow along just to help . God 's best work , those two . Ten years old and just as docile as lambs , gullible . Dumb as rocks , too , god love ' em cause I do . Sweet boys . Wilder tricked Johnny . That was the only time William ever hit him . He hit him hard too , a goose egg on the side of his sweaty head , knocked him clean to the ground , dazed him good . Wished he coulda learned from it . I didn 't punish Wilder . I didn 't dare . I couldn 't be everywhere at once and I couldn 't be awake all of the time neither . But it did give me an idea . One Sunday morning I did it . I planned it so as no one 'd be home but me and the little runt . It was better that way . If it had to be this way , and it did , better I hold all the guilt , better that god hold me to it and not the innocents , the brothers and sisters , the father . If there be guilt and maybe there won 't , better it burn a black hole in me , the mother . I brought him into this world . All the children got dressed up in they 's Sunday best . The girls in their pretty bonnets , Father wearing his best hat . Everybody 's shoes , nicely shiny , hands and faces real clean . All except Wilder . He wasn 't invited , the pastor done already made that clear in years past after Wilder set the good man 's vestry on fire . He burned up thirteen beautiful new bibles that day , a crying shame . But he got what he wanted . He never went back . I waited an hour , lying under my aunt Maybelle 's best quilt she willed just to me , watching the little devil play with a little wooden train and two tin soldiers next to the fire . The rest of his tin soldiers were sitting quiet in my pocket , but he didn 't know it . I waited til it seemed most probably that I 'd need water , about the time to start cooking our Easter dinner . To alleviate any suspicion , you understand , any trouble . Then I coughed real hard , long and laborious , really tossin ' some phlegm in there , making it real authentic . I waited for him to notice me and then I said , real sweet , " Wilder , sweetie get your old Ma some water from the well . " I waited him out then , coughing and moaning slightly til he couldn 't ignore me no more . " Dammit , boy , " I said . " Fetch that water or I 'll tan your hide . " I waited two minutes , just enough time for the boy to get out of sight and then I raced out the back and beat him to the well . The old well , not the new one . I checked to make sure the little tin soldier was still sitting on the outer edge of the well . The light hit it just right , it glinted in the sun , an irresistible treasure for a boy like him . Wilder was stepping along swinging the bucket up in great swingin ' arcs over his head , belting out some tune he heard in town . He wasn 't paying attention and he walked right by the well without seeing the soldiers at all . My spirits fell , but I had one chance left . I snuck out behind him , added a whole row of tin soldiers to the edge of the well , then crept back to my hiding place . " I 'm real sorry . " I whispered and leaned down quick as you please , and grabbed his legs and lifted his legs up and over the rocky wall of the well . It was so quick he didn 't have a chance to make a peep but I heard him when he hit the bottom of that dry well . He said , " Mama " real high pitched and angry , kinda angry - scared . By that time I was already hefting all the five and ten pound rocks I 'd gathered over the last month over the edge of the well , raining down a hell and judgement he never saw comin , ' the little devil . I tossed every last one of them and then I gathered all the twigs and logs that the rest of my strength could manage and tossed them down too and then all I could do was lean against the well , tired and drained and my soul lost . The hard part was lighting the fire . Every match I tossed down the well blew out before hitting the bottom . I finally had to balance a log on the edge of the well , ignite it and let it burn and then poke it with a stick until it toppled o ' er the edge . " You was a bad lil devil but you 's at peace now . God bless you and keep you , I couldn 't . " I said before I left . By then the fire had burned itself out and the stink was leaving too on account of the Spring winds . It was time to bury him . I got the wheelbarrow , our best shovel and filled it with soil . It took much longer than I thought but I got it filled up and dumped down the well , twice . By then I was sweating and weak and required sustenance . I walked slowly back to the cabin , a part of me gone forever . William met me halfway there . " Mama ! Are you all right ? You 're sick , Mama , come lay down . " And that sweet boy led me to the divan and sat me upon it and Emmaline made me some tea and after I 'd sipped it half way down I said to all assembled , " Wilder done run off . Probably for good . " Sherrie just needed 125 more steps to make her hourly goal . If she used the bathroom on the third floor instead of the second where she was now , she could make her step - count goal and add another flight of stairs to her daily total . Yes , that 's what she 'd do . She glanced at the clock on her monitor . Six minutes until the hour . Plenty of time . She grabbed her purse , slung it over her shoulder and weaved her way through a labyrinth of cubicles . She could follow outside the outer edge and add to her step total but it might take too long - it was too close to the top of the hour . She 'd take the long way back to her desk instead , add more steps on the other side of the hour . Best to loop around to Janice 's group - she didn 't know a soul over there . No one would try to stop her to chat . She rotated her arm lighting the display on her Fitbit - four minutes left to the hour . Shattering the silence - a loud hollow bang , then a scream . She froze in her spot . Another scream , blood curdling this time , then cut off . Fear so sharp it tasted like acid rushed through her . She trembled , her eyes watering . Should she get off the toilet ? Try to hide ? What if the toilet flushed ? What if they heard and came into the room ? What if they came in the room anyways and she was sitting here like an idiot on the toilet ? It was now or never . She stood up , begging the toilet not to flush - it flushed anyways . The one in the stall next to her did as well . She held her breath , expecting the worst , listening . Her rapid - fire breathing was the only sound in the room . Out of habit she glanced at her Fitbit - noting the time . Six minutes after the hour . How many - who ? - were there ? Where were they now ? She shuddered , slipped out of her shoe accidentally . Fought fiercely to put it back on , scraping the back of her heel , listening all the while . She crossed the hall to the stairwell door , slammed through it , suddenly unable to contain her energy anymore . Her feet stomped down the stairs , one slick hand on the rail . Exhilaration shot through her veins - she 'd made it , she was safe just a few more steps - . She nodded mutely unsure what to do now . He looked like he didn 't know either . He looked scared . And despite his beard , very young . He looked even more unsure . " Okay , you aren 't one of those floor three bitches . That 's good . " He let out a breath of air , leaned against the wall , arms crossed on his chest , the gun dangling . " What department are you in ? " " Sales . Sales support , " she said and her face burned with embarrassment . Was she really having a conversation with a - well , what was he ? Some kind of domestic terrorist ? She found herself babbling . " Mitchell 's group . You know Mitchell ? Tall , curly hair , kinda pudgy ? Nice enough guy . " The terrorist shook his head at her and she said , " You work here ? " He shrugged his shoulders , maybe figuring it didn 't matter at this point . " Yeah , I used to be up on three . I remember you , now . I saw you around sometimes . You used to use the bathroom on our floor - " a light dawned on his face . " That 's what you 're doing , wasn 't it ? Just now . " She nodded , and then realized she was sweating . Profusely , in fact . She lifted one arm and released a pungent fear sweat smell . Red bloomed up her cheeks and she shifted around in her shirt to allow the air to dry her out . Sweat dripped from her hairline . Self consciously she swiped at it with her sleeve . She needed to get ahold of herself . His face . Oh no . He wasn 't wearing a mask or doing anything to protect his identity . Her heart sped up again . Did that mean he was planning to kill her ? " You all right ? " he asked and he looked so genuinely concerned she almost laughed . Then she did , because the whole thing was so ridiculous . Why did she use the bathroom on the third floor ? It was so stupid , she grinned expectantly , earning her a grin from him as well . She raised her arm indicating the Fitbit . " Hey , isn 't that one of the exercise things ? " " I have no idea , " she said , and now her voice was strong . " I just wear the fucking thing everyday and it counts my steps . Yay me , I get 10 , 000 steps today . " Slowly , her giggles subsided to silence . " I 've never seen one up close . " He pointed at it with his gun and at first she tensed , but then she realized that he wasn 't threatening her . He 'd forgotten it was in his hand . She shook her head , unsure why she was being so stubborn . " There 's nothing to see . Just a black band . It 's basically a watch . " She showed him the display and the clock flashed briefly - 3 : 48 . How about that ? she thought . Just passing the time with a terrorist discussing her exercise routine . He was so taken aback he stepped away from her and leaned against the wall . " Fine , " he muttered under his breath . The door banged open beside him and three other young men crowded the landing . Jonathan shrugged , reached into his back pocket and pulled out a ski mask that matched his friends ' . " I didn 't need it , " he said . " No cameras in here . " Sherrie 's heart raced to the top of her throat strangling her voice . Her knees knocked . Her purse fell off her shoulder , landing on the concrete with a thud . " We gotta go , " the first guy said . His shoes slapped down the stair next to Sherrie . She leaned away from him pressing as far into the wall as she could . The others followed him including the young man she 'd been conversing with for the last half hour . She watched him guiltily slide the mask on over his head , his eyes cutting over to her , then slip past her . One of the others stopped on the next landing . " What about the chick ? " he said . Sherrie heard the leader say something under his breath , then he stomped back over to her . Jonathan handed his gun up and the leader raised it and shot Sherrie in the chest . She watched him hand the gun back to Jonathon then say " Let 's get out of here . " He turned on his heel , pushing past Jonathan , and raced to the final landing , disappearing around the corner . Sherrie was lost in pain , buried in it . Her breathing sounded like a hiccuping machine to her ears and she knew she was probably going into shock . She hoped that would make the pain go away . Jonathan was still standing in front of her . His lips were trembling uncontrollably . He leaned down , being careful to not look her in the eye , instead he looked at her shoulder , her arm , her forehead , but not her chest where blood welled across the silky fabric looking like a macabre tie dye flower . " Did you call the sitter ? " She was dashing from the bed to grab her shawl , to the mirror to pick up her earrings . Her heels clacked rapidly across the hardwood floors . " We have plenty of time . Besides Will and Bennie don 't expect us there til later . " He stepped up to her and rubbed her shoulders . " Relax . It 's going to be fine . " She was worried about the award . He could see it all over her face . It wasn 't even her award - it was Bennie 's but there was no telling her that so he just smiled at her reflection in the mirror , and stepped away . " Mom and I are leaving soon , okay ? " She barely nodded returning instead to her game . He wandered back out into the hall and heard the doorbell ring . " Come in please . I 'll introduce you to the kids . " He moved to the bottom of the stairs . " Kids ! Come meet Mrs . Crandall . " Turning away from the children thundering down the stairs he was surprised to see that the woman 's face was staring straight ahead almost as if someone had hit the pause button on her features . She didn 't turn her head until the children were right in front of her and even then her expression remained the same . Only her chin moved - up . She was shorter than his ten year old daughter . " Hello . " They averted their eyes . Martin made a quick decision to ignore it , given the unusual circumstances . He dismissed the children with a wave of one hand , and they bounded back up the stairs . Martin turned back to the old woman . " I would like the children in bed by 9pm . They can tend to their own bedtime routine . We 'll return sometime around 1am . Please feel free to eat whatever you find in the fridge . The children have eaten already . They may ask for a snack but I 've already told them no for the evening . " He looked around the living room . " Make yourself at home . " His brow furrowed in annoyance . Next time he wouldn 't use the same babysitting service . Better yet , he 'd call the neighbor girl down the street . The old woman didn 't turn on the light , that was what Sue noticed first . She had crept down the stairs for the express purpose of spying on the old woman but she had almost passed her before she saw her sitting in the dark . The TV was on mute and the light from the pictures flashed across the old woman 's eyes . She was staring blankly and for just a brief moment Sue worried that the old woman had died right there on the furniture with her eyes wide open . Sue recoiled , a squeak escaping her throat . The old woman 's face turned slowly toward her , unblinking . Unable to help it , she whispered to the old woman . " Are you okay ? " The old woman nodded , then turned slowly back around . Back in their bedroom , Sue whispered to her brother , " She 's creepy . " " She smells . " Marty wrinkled his nose . " Like death . Probably , " she amended . Other than a squirrel that had been run over and decayed in the street in front of her house , she 'd never had occasion to smell death . She 'd never been to a funeral . But the old lady smelled like the squirrel . " And she 's sitting on our sofa . " Marty made a barfing noise to show his displeasure and Sue nodded in agreement . " We 'll just stay up here , okay ? Leave her down there . " At 8 : 55 Sue went to the stairs and called down . " We 're going to bed now . " She waited for a moment but there was only silence . She turned to her brother who shrugged from the bedroom doorway . " She 'd never make it up the stairs , " Marty said and Sue felt better . He was right . The old lady could barely make it to the sofa . She wasn 't going anywhere . She grinned at her brother . They were safe . The old woman could hear the susurration of their breaths so she knew when they were truly asleep , lost in dreams . The little boy had drifted off first , then the little girl . The old woman sat still on the sofa only the rise and fall of her chest showing life . The clock in the hall pealed eleven times , then was silent . Her old bones cracked and her breath wheezed as she stood slowly to her feet . Outside a dog barked frantically . She turned her head , and the barking stopped with a yelp . The silence that followed was deeper somehow , sinister . The wind pressed against the windows , leaves scraped across the sidewalk like knives across bones . A chill filled the room . She became it , and its true face was not of an old woman . In fact , it was not human at all . It was older than humanity . Shadows moved across its skin , the fabric of its clothing shifting and moving and twisting . It crouched , groaned softly , and shifted becoming something else entirely . Long bony fingers pulled at its sleeves and its clothes fell to the floor . Freed from its shell it moved its limbs in a jerking motion . Its stomach growled loudly reminding it that it hadn 't eaten in months . On nimble toes it crept towards the stairs . The children lay across from one another , each in their own bed , sleeping soundly . Between the beds , the thing stood weaving and rocking , silent . Tendrils of darkness rose off of its skin and flowed over their faces , into their nostrils , seeping into their pores . The girl stirred once , then settled without a sound . The boy did not move at all . The thing fed of their youth , drinking their memories in like sweet water . It fed until their skins dried up , their eyes like wrinkly walnuts in small black sockets . It fed until their blankets hung on the bony protrusions of their shoulder bones , their knee caps . Then it left them in their beds and crept silently to the window . The thing wasn 't sated , its belly still ached but it could wait for another night , another family to fill its belly . Its long long fingers grasped the window sill , opening it with a scrape of wood on wood . It climbed upon the sill and stretched for the tree branches just beyond the window until it heard the key in the lock downstairs . It ticked its head , the click and drag of metal sounding through the house and followed by the swift movement of air currents that billowed the curtains in the bedroom . " Mrs . Crandall ? " It heard . The boy 's mother walked by the door , peeked in for just a moment . The boy 's brow was slightly sweaty and the blankets were pulled up to his chin . He twitched rapidly and she wondered what vexed him so . The boy 's name was Lucas . He was sixteen and he was dreaming about his girlfriend Laurie DePaul . At first the dream had started out well , he and Laurie were knotted together in his backseat and she was breathing heavy against his neck and it was even better than when it had happened for real last weekend . Her fingertips touching and tasting him , her skin hot and sweaty under his own . But then , in that funny way that dreams had , Laurie had drifted away floating right through the car door and he had watched her , frowning , annoyed at her selfishness , and already feeling frustrated , down there . Getting angry , he 'd followed her , drifting himself , rapidly catching up to her only to find her entwined with Joseph , his best friend since forever . She 'd looked up at him smiling so beautifully and - Outside in the dawn 's first light , a meteor landed just inside the city limits of Galveston . Not a soul saw it burn through the sky , but all felt its impact . Every person across the city frowned , feeling - no knowing that something was off , something was altered . Laurie was dreaming too . She 'd been soaring above the rooftop of her house , looking down at her dad 's brand new roof . Feeling exultant and free and full of life . Somewhere in the sky a beep sounded and the sky shrunk and she was filled with confusion and fell out of the sky . She opened her eyes and rolled across the pillowy expanse of her bed and flipped off her alarm . She was frowning , but not from her alarm . It was only reminding her that it was time for school . Unease filled her . Her phone chirped and she picked it up and tapped the text that had come in from her boyfriend Lucas . She yawned instead , the phone dropping out of her fingers and landing on her nightstand . Her uneasiness slipped away , forgotten . She couldn 't concentrate on a text , not now . She needed to be outside . She quickly got dressed and headed out to the backyard . Lucas sat at the breakfast table , fuming . His mother scraped eggs out of a pan and onto his plate and wondered what was wrong with him now . Being the mother of a teenage boy could be a real trial sometimes . Last night he 'd slammed the bedroom door after she 'd told him to take out the trash . Was he still mad about that ? She set the pan back on the stove and turned to the sink with a sigh . Laurie propped the ladder against the house . It had been easy - it was already out of the garage and laying below the den windows . Laurie carefully shambled up the ladder , then stood unsteadily on the roof . She heard the back door open behind her , and an exclamation of surprise . She didn 't look down though . She had further up to go . She stood on the addition ; she needed to be on the second story roof . The slope was steep but if she was careful and went up it on a diagonal , yes , she might just be able to reach the top . Down below her , standing on the deck , her mother was calling her . " Just wait for Dad ! Whatever it is , he can get it ! He 'll be home after lunch . Laurie ! Can you hear me , Laurie ? " Laurie could , but only barely . Her mind was fixed on the top peak and she was already starting to feel the excitement that she remembered from her dream . A light wind lifted her hair and made her blouse billow around her . She should have worn a tank top or a tshirt , what would people think if she flashed them accidentally ? Lucas would like it , but - something about Lucas slipped into and out of her mind . Nevermind , she couldn 't remember . It didn 't really matter , did it ? Lucas decided that nothing would do but to confront her in person . She wasn 't returning his text and that wasn 't a surprise , was it ? Nope . Not when she 'd been shacked up with Joseph Wenzel all night . She was probably sleeping in this morning , exhausted from all her slut gymnastics . But he knew where she was now , and he wasted no time getting here . He heard the screaming as soon as he opened his car door in the driveway of the DePaul house . Not the words , he couldn 't make out the words but he could tell that the screamer was terrified . He ran to the backyard and stared wide - eyed as Laurie , his Laurie , stood at the peak of her roof , beaming , arms out , the air blowing through her hair , and her eyes closed . Unaware of how crazy her family 's life was about to get , back home Lucas 's mom rubbed at her eyes . She hadn 't slept well last night . Or the night before . She 'd been plagued by migraines , and slept fitfully with nightmares sprinkled into her dreams . She looked ten years older , felt twenty . She popped open a pill bottle slipping the pill into her mouth and chasing it with water . Maybe this pressure building behind her eyes would dissipate and leave her in peace . She had the day off , at least that was something . She laid back her head , then slid to one side and tucked her legs up onto the couch . Perhaps all she really needed was a nap . Laurie 's face was broken , like a china doll . Shattered under bloody and bruised skin . Lucas stood over her , gaping . The screaming was crescendoing around him , an assault to his ears . She 'd started walking every morning . Waving to this or that neighbor idly , not with any energy . She wore her sadness on her face and no one stopped to chat . Her name was Lily which was fitting . Lily of the valley her father would whisper when she sat on his knee . He meant love but his words brought death , a suggestion that the universe could not ignore . A classmate she 'd been close to , a mentor who 'd seen her through tough times . Both of her parents . This or that pet , all fell before the unyielding hand of fate . Death followed her doggedly . Not often . Not every year . The universe had its own timing ; it didn 't confer with her . There was no discernable pattern , nothing anyone else could detect about these losses that troubled her life . That morning during her walk there was no pressure . Death had come and gone and was a distant memory weeks in the past . It left her feeling empty . The world knew they were missing : her four children . Missy , Lena , Jacob , Dixon . Only Lily knew the truth . The universe had taken them . Its twisty fingers had wound around hers and darkened her heart - just for a moment , just long enough to steal her love away from her and right now each body slumbered in the woods , one boy and one girl in each grave . Her house was empty . The silence shouted at her , cried out its accusations and as soon as she awoke each day she filled her coffee mug and she walked . Up and down the streets and all through the neighborhood . The labyrinth of the McMansions similar to the labyrinth in her mind . Sometimes her thoughts backed her into a corner but more often than not her mind was a long blank passageway . She had no friends , not one soul who cared for her . Her days were empty of conversation . There was no one to see her close her eyes at night or watch them open in the morning . Or care whether they never opened again . The neighborhood knew her as That Poor Unlucky Woman . They couldn 't truly know how unlucky because they only knew the end of her story . They knew that soon after her last child 's birth her husband Gerald had left her alone to raise all four of his children . Left her and never came back . Tut , tut , such a shame . She 'd let slip that he 'd returned to his Louisiana roots , chasing real estate dreams . ( It was a lie that mocked the truth . ) Or perhaps not . Her neighbors whispered : Now his children were all missing and That Poor Unlucky Woman walked their valley . See her through the window ? Poor dear . Today her path took her to the woods . Branches scraped at her arms . She lost her balance on uneven ground , stumbling against the bleach white trunk of a birch tree . Steadily she plodded along , undeterred . Leaves and twigs snapped underfoot , unnoticed . At an unmarked spot she stopped . She filled the silence with her voice , soft and sweet . She told Lena she had found her spelling test under the couch that morning , congratulated her on getting a B . She told Missy how much her laughter was missed . She sang Jacob his favorite song and assured Dixon his toys were right where they belonged ; she wouldn 't throw them away . She moved away slowly , sidling over to a new spot nearby . The dirt was sunken here , diminished . This spot was years older than the others . She stood in silence for a moment . " I don 't miss you anymore , " she said . " I know you are with our children , and that gives me peace and saddens me both . At least they were greeted by your open arms . " Tears flowed down her face , and she sank to her knees . " Thank you , my love , for being the first sacrifice . " She sat back in the leaves and shivered a little from the loss . She took a deep breath and then whispered so softly only his soul could hear , " I 'm isolated now . Alone . I interact with no one . When the time comes , and let it be soon ! only I will fall for I am the only one left that I care about . " She sighed deeply . " The universe must choose me , make me the final sacrifice . " She closed her eyes . " Then , we shall all be together . " Nick tried not to listen . He closed his ears , turned his head , whistled under his breath but in class , in the hallways , at recess , it followed him . Chocolate , chocolate , chocolate . And in the strange inimitable way of all obsessions , the more he tried not to think of chocolate , the more he wanted some . The more he could taste it , the slight snap as it broke between his teeth , the velvety feel of it on his tongue . He caught little glances here and there . Smirks out of the corner of his eye . Each and every one of his eleven - year - old classmates seemed intent on making him feel like the last kid picked for the team , except this was chocolate , sweet delectable chocolate and he was the last one to get it . He might , their glances suggested , never get any at all . Ever . At home that weekend , his mother assured him - there was no special chocolate . The very idea was silly - didn 't he know that ? Here , take this Hershey square and be done with it . By Monday at recess , the details had changed slightly . Now the chocolate came in a mug and that was the very finest way to have it , everyone said so . They asked him , their eyes big , you 've had it , haven 't you , Nick ? And then they smiled gently at him because they knew he had not . The solution presented itself on Thursday . The sun was bright , the clouds fat and cheery . By then everyone had had the chocolate , it was all they talked about , each claiming to have had it two , three , four times , even though Nick never saw them eat it . He wasn 't quick enough it seemed , never saw the evidence of it , no wrappers or empty mugs of chocolate in the trash . Jeremiah , a boy Nick 's eyes followed day in and day out , claimed to have had it for breakfast all week , stating sadly to three other students ( although not Nick , not exactly ) - too bad it smelled so horrible . It was the chocolate 's only failing - a great stench to turn your stomach . But so good , so good . Jeremiah had brought some to school to have during recess . Maybe he 'd share it with someone he said , and Nick 's heart beat faster and faster . Someone special . On that fateful Thursday the day was pregnant with expectation , heavy with it , straining with it . Nick 's hands tingled and he couldn 't concentrate couldn 't even hardly hear what the teacher said to him before recess . He 'd just nodded then followed the rest of the kids outside . Wandered over to the wall to watch the others from a safe distance , a ball from the ball bag tucked under one arm in case someone wanted to play with him . Jeremiah held a mug in one hand , one with a paper handle that must have come from the teacher 's lounge , that den of magic . Nick quivered , too nervous to hear what Jeremiah was saying to him but his intention was obvious . Jeremiah was offering Nick the mug of chocolate . " Remember it smells awful but it tastes … heavenly , " he said . He looked in the mug and its contents were brown just as he expected and liquidy which was a surprise . He sloshed it around slightly and he could smell it . It did smell awful , terrible , horrible . " It 's better to drink it fast , " Jeremiah said . " To get past the smell . " Then he nodded his approval and Nick looked around at all the bright smiling faces - all of them happy for him . Happy that it was his turn to have chocolate and he lifted the mug and put it to his lips and opened his mouth and the liquid splashed across his teeth and over his tongue and down his gullet and before he knew it tears were in his eyes and vomit was in his throat and out of his mouth and he was crying , hysterically weeping and was immediately surrounded by the sweet tinkling sounds of laughter , pure light hearted giggles and he shut his eyes vowing never to open them again . Never ever , not for the rest of his life . All Children Except One Grow Up February 10 , 2017December 22 , 2016Casie Blevins Fiction , short stories , Uncategorized Tags : Casie Blevins , flash fiction , horror , peter pan , short fiction , short stories Leave a comment This story came from a prompt given during my writing club . We had to use the first line from a famous novel . I chose Peter Pan , of course . Mags skated around her driveway . Her skates chaffed her ankles but she barely noticed . Her face was fierce ; cheeks red , hair covered in sweat , her eyes narrowed and intense . Inside of her house her parents raged . She could hear them , everyone could hear them . Occasionally another child on her block would stop , or at least pause across from her on the sidewalk listening only long enough to know that they wouldn 't stick around for more . No one ever hung around . It made Mags very lonely . Her skates rode roughly over the pavement . The vibration gave her calves a pleasant almost numb feeling . Hot air rose around her . Like hell , Mags thought . That 's what Mom would say , sitting with her friends in the backyard under the shade trees . Then Mag 's father would roll his eyes and wink at her . She , ten years old , was at the beginning of her life , but it was changing . She could feel the changes , sometimes . She could see them too which is why she abhorred mirrors , pretended they weren 't there , went selectively blind at certain times of the day . Like when she brushed her teeth . They were shouting again . Mags closed her eyes . " You never loved me ! " She could hear her mother shout , but she knew it wasn 't love her mother sought , not really . That wasn 't what was missing . It was the elimination of the other stuff , the stuff Mag 's mother called stress . Things like paying bills , buying groceries , turning off the lights . Well , that was her father 's big thing - ' turn off the lights , Mags ' he always said but she preferred the darkness anyway . It was her mother that wanted the light . It was her mother who sat up at night and turned on all the lights and left them until dawn , while she slept in the chair in the living room . Those stressors , they all had one source : adulthood . Mags knew that the root of all grown up problems stemmed from being a grown up .
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I also have a lot of people to say thank you to . The people who made life as normal as it could have been for my babies . The people who helped . They carpooled and playdated and caught my littles in the hall at school to give them a hug . They made my not being here a bit easier on the kids . They made it easier for me to be so far away for so long . These people are the reason I can truly call this place I 'm in now home . It 's good to be back . To be okay . To care . I have to . I am not sure whether it is better that I am forced to get back to routines and obligations and planned events so quickly because of the kids . Or whether it would be better if I really had time to grieve . I could curl up in a ball for days or weeks if that is what it took , but I can 't . They have school and scouts and church and sports . Their activities are my obligations . I have to get ready for a banquet for Cub Scouts . The lovely downside of uninvolved parents generally is that those who are willing get stuck with most of the work , and we have . Last year , Tom had to coordinate it without me . I wasn 't here . Last year , I was sitting in a hospital ICU room the day of the Blue and Gold , a thousand miles away . Wondering if my father , hooked up to a ventilator , would pull through . This year , he is gone . For some reason , Cub Scouts tends to interfere with my sorrow a little more than any other activity the kids are involved with . The day Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 , terminal cancer , I had to gather myself . I had to be composed . I had to smile and be friendly . I had to go to a Pack meeting and talk to a room full of people about selling popcorn . I 've had so many conversations recently with people about life . Not about the trivial day to day things that occupy most of our time and energy , but the big stuff . Love , honor , purpose , faith , family . About what is harder . To lose someone suddenly or to have them go as my Dad did . I have to tell you , they are both terrible , both with their own sets of pros and cons . In my Dad 's case , he said he had been given the gift of time . When he was first diagnosed , he was angry . Angry about the cancer , yes . But also angry that he wouldn 't die as he always thought he would . He assumed he would have a massive heart attack one day and just be gone . He hoped and wished for that , even after he was diagnosed . He didn 't want to wither , he didn 't want to fade . He didn 't want to rely on other people . He didn 't want to hurt . He felt a little ripped off . With time though , he let go of that anger . He knew that though we don 't always understand it at the time , everything happens for a reason . He was given the time he was for a reason . He began to see that time as a gift , even if it brought with it unbelievable pain and agony . He figured he should make the most of it , not just for him , but for others . He gave the gift of saying goodbye to his entire family . Back when he asked them all to come up a few weeks back , it was under the illusion that it was for him . It wasn 't , though no one realized it at the time . He knew how they hurt when my uncle and grandfather passed away suddenly , he knew how they 'd never had a chance to say goodbye properly , he knew he didn 't want that to happen again . So , under completely false pretenses , he asked them to come . Our Family ~ The day of his funeral And they did . He spent that entire day mustering all his strength and energy to tell stories , to smile , to laugh . He was the one telling them all that he was going to be okay , that they were going to be okay . He was doing the consoling . They were crying , he was smiling . As much as he was grateful that they had all come , it wasn 't really for him . I can 't begin to imagine what it must have been like for him to see them all for the last time , knowing that it was . I can 't pretend to know how much it hurt . All I know is what I saw from my end . I always called my Dad on Wednesday mornings , to catch him up on what the kids were doing , see how he was . I always waited until about 11 : 00 , gave him time to go through the mail at work since he 'd be annoyed with me if he was busy when I called . I called him other days of the week too , but Wednesday was always for sure . For the last year and a half , Wednesday was chemo day . I knew he probably wouldn 't feel up to talking afterwards and wanted to catch him before he went . I wanted to tell him I love him and make sure that he knew I was thinking about him all the time . I know that things like this are going to happen . I was as prepared as I think I could have been for his death . It wasn 't sudden . It wasn 't unexpected . In some ways , it was a very welcome relief for us all because he was in so much pain . And death is one of those final things . No going back . Sometimes your brain and your heart play tricks on you though , and you fall back into old patterns . You pick up a phone and start to dial a number before you realize what you are doing . And then you suddenly remember that there isn 't anyone on the other end of the line anymore . I have spent most of my life in fear that one day one of my parents would get lung cancer . I knew , even as a child , the dangers of smoking . I tried with every ounce of my being to get them to quit more times than I care to count . Until I stopped trying . It was too hard to keep hoping they would . I had to let go of any expectation that they would ever do it for me or for the kids . I had to hope that one day they would quit because it was the right thing to do for their own health . But I had to stop waiting for it . The fear never went away , though . And then one fall day in 2009 my father told me over the phone that they found something on the MRI of his shoulder , just barely within the range of the image . My worst fear came true . The thing that I dreaded appeared . I knew months before any official diagnosis what was wrong . I knew it in my soul . I knew it was lung cancer . And I knew it had spread . I started to fear the end . I was afraid that he would be in pain . And he was . It was excruciating to watch , I can 't even begin to imagine what it was like for him . I was afraid that he would be there and I would be here and it would be over without my having a chance to say goodbye . That fear , thankfully , was never realized . I held my father 's hand as he took his last breath . Now , I find a new fear . Of the unknown . Of the future . Of what it holds . Of where we go from here . Of how we cross these bridges without him . If you smoke , please quit . I 'm not going to get on any soapbox and preach . I 'm not going to make an issue of it with anyone . I 'm not going to point fingers or assign blame . But I 'm also not going to get my hopes up again . I just know what this disease did . And I know the easiest way to prevent it . There is a reason I have practically sworn off music . Right now , it is too hard to listen to it . It seems like everything is reminding me of my Dad , of some experience , of some memory . I love music , but it just hurts to hear it . We just spent the last two days driving back home , clear blue skies above , dry roads beneath . Even a speeding ticket avoided . Clearly we had someone looking out for us this trip . The car , my Dad 's . He wanted us to have it . As part of the long process he went through of tying up his loose ends , he wanted to make sure that we had it . We needed another vehicle all the kids could fit into . He bought it all those years ago when Aidan was a baby , and he bought one with a built in TV for the kids to have . It has a VHS player connected to it , but we added a DVD player too . I was glad for the movies . No music . One of the movies we brought with us , one the kids had already seen many times before . Meet the Robinsons . One that I 'd seen many times before . One that has this song at the end of the movie . And just like that , I was fighting back tears again , reminded of all the small hours . We were blessed to be surrounded by so many people at Dad 's services , but know that there were many more who couldn 't be there . I know that my personal support network extends from Hawaii to Argentina to Europe and Canada , and I am grateful for you all . This is a copy of the eulogy I gave at Dad 's funeral . I 've been asked by a few people for a copy , by even more for the words taken from my father 's poem . I thought you all deserved to read / hear it as much as those who were there in person . xoxo Before I begin , let me say thank you to everyone for all your help , thoughts , prayers and more over the last year and a half . Each and every one of you has touched our lives in a way that we will never be fully able to express our gratitude for . Thank you . We are here today , again in the middle of February , the hardest month for our family . 11 years ago , my Uncle Donnie passed , and it 's been 24 years for my grandfather , all within the same week . And again , we are here to celebrate the life of a man , gone too soon . He was the third in a family of seven children , born to a man who believed that we could one day fly to the moon . He was a high school track star , one who held onto some of his records for decades . He was a guy who always loved a fast car . He was a business owner for over 35 years and took great pride in his work . He was a son , a brother , a husband , a friend , a father and a grandfather . But he was so much more than that . He was his sister 's dance partner . He was his nieces ' godfather . He was the love of my mom 's life . He was my brother 's best friend . He was and still is the tooth fairy . And he was my Daddy . He lived and he died on his own terms , that 's just how he was . Never one to let anyone or anything dictate things for him . Even in his final weeks , he defied the conventional wisdom of hospice . He refused every increase in pain medications , it always took some amount of convincing . He had to make his own choices , all of them . He wanted to be in control of his thoughts , and he was willing to sacrifice bodily pain to do it . I could stand before you today and speak about his strength and resolve in his last year , but I won 't . He wouldn 't want it that way . He hardly wanted anyone to know he was sick at all . He didn 't want people to know how bad it was . He didn 't want or need anyone 's sympathy . And as much as I have spent the last month trying to honor his wishes , I will continue to do so now . Instead , I will tell you stories . Stories about him and his life and the things that he lovKelly DeBie I know that normal won 't seem that way for a long time . I 've been through life changing experiences before . I remember not caring much about the day to day stuff for a long while afterwards . I 'd imagine this time won 't be different , except that it has to be . This time I have them , my babies . And they need me to get back to normal so that they can too . It 's been a long and hard month for us all . Life will never be the same again , but it goes on anyway . I 've written my views on religion before , I won 't go rehashing them here . I didn 't go into as much detail as I could have about my thoughts on Catholicism . I could probably write a book just on that subject . If it wasn 't for the fact that I very much so will probably always associate myself with the Catholic church , I would just convert to something else . Or consider myself to be non - religious and separate myself from the church altogether . But I don 't . As I 've said before , I am a self - confessed hypocrite in this department . I struggle with so many things about the church , and yet I send my children to religious education . My oldest daughter is set to make her first communion in a few weeks . My biggest pet peeve with the church right now is the inconsistency in parishes and the adherence to rules that some person created then forced onto other people . There is a very valid reason we moved our wedding from one church to another here in town . Now , I 've been to a lot of Catholic funerals in my day , and the one for my father was beautiful . But it wasn 't at all what he wanted , or what we wanted for him . It was , all of it , dictated to us by the sort of people who pat you on the head and condescend to you . I don 't do well with that . The women from the church completely took over the rosary services , though we told them we had someone set to do it already . She spoke about Dad 's life , omitting many key details , screwing up others , even calling me by the wrong name . Why go to such great lengths to pretend to know someone you 've never met ? Just because you are supposedly providing a service for which we are expected to be grateful for ? That we didn 't want or need ? The funeral wasn 't any better . We were not permitted to select the readings . We weren 't permitted to choose the songs . " They " knew what was best , pat , pat , pat . We were told presenting roses to my father 's urn would disrupt the service too much , by yet another of the church ladies . . . who felt the best time to present that information was when both my mother and I were crying after the rosary . Again , I 've been to a lot of Catholic funerals in my day , presented roses to the deceased before , never once did it interrupt anything . Every other funeral mass I have been to , including the one that I have personally delivered a eulogy at before , there was nothing said about any sort of time limits on the speech . This time , at the funeral for my father , I was told I could speak for no more than 3 minutes , as if some divine hook would come from the side of the altar and pull me off at the end of that time . None of the rigidity here was the result of church teachings . None of it written in any bible . It came from people . People who condescend and control things they don 't need to . People who are so wrapped up in their own " service " that they can 't see how it only creates distance between them and the people they need to keep coming . Without butts in the seats , there is no church . It 's just a building full of ego . It 's easy to get caught up in living in the past , in relishing the memories , in telling stories , looking at pictures . It 's easy to wish for that time back . It 's harder to imagine what the future will bring . I have long since given up trying to control or predict it at all . I learned that lesson . Maybe sometimes it 's just my unwillingness to imagine what the future will be like , my intentioned halt of those thoughts . Harder still is just living in the now . Taking each day as it comes , remembering to go through the motions . Sometimes you have to focus all that energy on just making yourself take the next step , find the motivation to keep breathing . I want to live in the now . I want to absorb all that I can from my experiences . I want to really see the joy on the faces of my children when they see something new , learn something new , go somewhere new . I want to be with them , wholly with them , now . We went to the aquarium today , the last place that Dad wanted to go to with all the kids . The last place we went when he was well enough to go . Is it strange that I found myself looking for him there ? That I leaned on some of the walls he leaned on when he 'd get tired ? That I stood in a crowded dark room full of tropical fish tanks , held my little girl 's hand and cried ? Literally and figuratively . I woke up yesterday morning with a slight pain in one ear , tried to dismiss it like I 've done to every other ache and pain in the last month . I managed to ignore a migraine that lasted well over a week because I had to . Then I woke up this morning and knew immediately that my ear was worse . And it 's the left one . The one that I had trouble with a few years ago . Considering the fact that I never got ear infections as a child , I 'm pretty lucky I guess . This is only the second one I 've had as an adult . . . but the last one was so bad my eardrum ruptured . I don 't know how many of you have ever experienced that kind of pain , but it is terrible . I 've done natural childbirth and this was worse . I figured I couldn 't ignore my ear anymore , and went to urgent care tonight . Even though my husband and my babies are here . I was in a waiting room , explaining to a complete stranger why I need my ear to be better right now . Then explaining why I am already aware that blood pressure is sky high and that I know I need to be on a higher dose of my medication , but that I haven 't been to the doctor . That I haven 't even been home in almost a month . And then telling him why . It rained a bit this morning , the sky full of gray . It 's supposed to rain and rain and rain some more over the next few days . The worst of it due the day of Dad 's funeral . I guess it 's only appropriate . I haven 't been to too many funerals that took place on a beautiful day . Some , yes , but not many . Rain has always been welcome in my life . As a child , I looked forward to the days it rained and would play outside until I was chilled to the bone . As a mother , I 've taught my own children to do the same . We don 't run and hide from the rain in this family . We dance in it . This afternoon though , for just a little while , the clouds gave way to a bright blue sky . The warmth from the sunlight almost immediate . I sat on the back patio with my Mom and ate lunch sitting in the same chairs where my Daddy sat just last week . The kids aren 't exactly old enough to drive themselves to school , cook dinner or do their own laundry . Not yet , anyway . How then , am I here , while they have been there ? Only because my in laws made a choice to step up and help . They postponed their vacation , they have sacrificed sleep , they have been reminded daily of how exhausting it is to be involved in daily parenting of small kids . They urged me to go and do what I needed to , they said it was okay . Without them there , there is no me here . I will never be able to repay their kindness . I will never be able to say thank you enough . I will never be able to tell them how much it meant for me to be able to spend the last few weeks here , helping my father . I have missed my babies , but they have been well cared for . They have been loved and cuddled , fed and washed , tucked in and kissed goodnight . I have missed my babies , but I have known they are okay . And that knowledge is the only way I am here . I 'm tired of always being one of the first people I know to reach the next phase of life . In my circle of close friends , I was the first one married . The first one with kids . The first one to buy a house . The first one to lose a parent . I 'm tired of being first . Just once , I 'd like to know what it 's like to see everyone else get somewhere first . To not understand what they are going through when they get there . I 'd like to have more people to lean on when I need to , to ask how they got through when they were in that place . I want to hear someone tell me it is going to be okay only when they know that for sure . I don 't mean it of course . I don 't really wish for anyone to suffer before me , especially the people I love . I don 't labor under the illusion that life is going to get easier or less complicated the older I get . I am just tired of being first . In a bed , a real one . For the first time in weeks . I didn 't sleep soundly , I didn 't rest fully , but it is a first step towards normal . Over the last few months , we started to use the word after . It was never really necessary to clarify what we meant when we used it . Everyone , even the kids , knew . When you have a family member with a terminal disease , you start to use words like that . I thought I did . In a lot of ways I succeeded . I knew Dad pretty well , predicted with an eerie accuracy how his last weeks would play out . I knew he 'd want to keep working past the point where his body would really let him , and that he would need help to do it , but that he wouldn 't ask for it . I knew that he 'd hang on and hang on until he 'd tidied up the things he felt he needed to , and that it was just better if I helped him as much as he would let me . I knew that once he turned the corner , he 'd go quickly . I knew all those things . I knew what this disease was going to do to him . I armed myself with as much knowledge as I could , surrounded myself with people I could turn to with my questions . I knew it was going to be rough , but I knew that he 'd be more at peace if he was in a calm environment , so I did the best I could to make that happen . I know a lot of things now , after . I know that he is in a better place . I know that he is still with me . I know that he isn 't hurting anymore . I know that he was at peace . I know that I did everything I could to help him . I do better being strong when I need to . I do better when I feel like I am making some contribution . He 's gone now , no one to hide my tears from anymore . There are no more medication schedules , no middle of the night cell phone alarms . It 's quiet . No oxygen machine , no nebulizer , no constant crime drama on the TV . No more trips to the lab . No more . Fearing that you would be alone at the end , you weren 't . Gary and I were on one side , Mom on the other . The last sounds you heard were probably the giggles of the grandson you weren 't sure you 'd ever get to meet . As you began to turn the corner last night , the winds picked up . They blew with fury all morning . As your earthly body left the house today , the winds calmed . It 's strange to be sitting here in exactly the same place I was last night , just 24 hours ago with no idea what the next morning would bring . I had no idea you 'd be gone now . Soon , sure . But not today . 24 hours ago , you were polishing off a bowl of peanut butter cups . Now , you are the guardian angel you 'd promised you would be . Who knew ? Albert Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again , but expecting different results . I 've dealt with my fair share of insane people over the years . I could tell stories for days about the clients I encountered working in the legal aid clinic or the families of patients in the county hospital . The kind of people which make you think you live an exceedingly normal existence . More frustrating now is the expectation of insanity from others . The idea that we are supposed to keep repeating the same things over and over and over again , waiting for a different result . This world we live in currently is a strange one , almost surreal sometimes . So interconnected and anonymous at the same time . I think about how different things were when my grandparents were ill or passed , the last only 9 years ago . Now we have things like Facebook and Caring Bridge . We send emails and post updates online . People share that information , it gets passed along the virtual grapevine . It makes things easier in some ways , negating the need for constant phone calls . People don 't need to call the house to find out how Dad is doing . The rings don 't wake him up all the time . We don 't have to talk in whispers . We don 't need to constantly rehash the same information , repeating and repeating and repeating . When we 've hosted blood drives or he 's been hospitalized we 've been able to let a lot of people know those things at once . All kinds of people having a view into a very personal process . Some have come out of the woodwork , absent from our lives for decades or more . Now they , like everyone it seems , want to stay updated . It 's a false sense of closeness , almost a voyeuristic thing , at least for some people . This is , after all , the world we live in these days . Not much ever happens to just us anymore . It happens to anyone and everyone who knows , however that occurs . Since my babies are back home and far away from me right now , I am missing them something fierce . I talk to them on the phone and all , but it 's not the same . I miss how they smell . I miss seeing them smiling . I miss watching them just be . Lucky for me , I happen to have what may be the most adorable nephew in the entire known world . And he 's here . And he helps . He 's at my very most favorite baby age right now , in between crawling and walking . He has a personality that can light up the room , a giggle that can come from his toes and the most precious delicate blond curl in the back of his hair . Just last week , he learned to wave bye bye , though sometimes it looks more like he 's calling you out . Sometimes the wave is just a finger in the air . Like , hey you in the back there , yeah you , how you doin ? He brings joy . If only it was possible to bottle that up and save it for all the times that we could use some . I try to remind myself almost constantly why I am here . To help . To safeguard his dignity . To help him find peace . To keep him comfortable . And then he goes and does things like he did yesterday and a little piece of my heart breaks silently . He has lost so much weight his wedding ring , already wrapped with string , is falling off again . In the time I 've been here , ten more pounds at least have vanished . He gets smaller and smaller each day . Yesterday , he brought a few bandaids back from the bathroom . And he sat , hands shaking , and struggled to open the wrappers . Refused help . He methodically trimmed the bandages until they were just the right size . Then he wrapped them around the ring until the layers built up enough that it wouldn 't fall off . For now . I didn 't cry in front of him . I 'm not crying now just in case he wakes from his sleep , opens an eye and peeks in this direction . I won 't cry . Not until I am done and this is posted and I have quietly turned off the computer and walked away from where he can see . He needs me to be strong . He doesn 't want me to be sad . So I won 't be . It 's simple and beautiful . And right now , it 's just a reminder of what I am doing . So what if it was taped to a bathroom door ? Then there are the mornings like this one . Where I could sit and stare at a blank white screen forever and ever . The words I 'd write too hard , too much . Everything else escapes me . At the end of the day , what does it all boil down to ? What are the things you can 't imagine living without ? What are the things you want with you on the last day you spend on this earth ? The examples they used were things like birthdays and vacations and reunions and anniversaries . The things that most people , at least to some degree , look forward to . The things that we set weight loss goals for . The things we anticipate with lots of planning , even if accompanied by some nervous energy too . The things that we justify buying new clothes for . I 'm preparing for something right now , and I could write a fantastic submission about this journey , but I 'd imagine it isn 't exactly what they had in mind when they asked for pieces . The thing for which I am preparing is the death of my father . I 've been vague and nonspecific about him here , for a long time because he asked me to be so . He 's the reason for all the trips across the country in the last 14 months . He 's the reason for all the worry and heartache , sudden reevaluations of all the choices in my life . He 's the reason for my occasional outpouring of love and gratitude to all those around me . He 's the reason that I am here , back home , again . In November , 2009 , he was diagnosed with stage four cancer . The prognosis at the time , terminal . He wanted to buy some time by going through treatments , and he did . He made it to see things like the birth of my nephew and one last Christmas with his family . He met all the goals he set for himself . Before I left this time , I was faced with the reality that I needed to make preparations there before I could leave . I feel like I 've been making them them entire time I have been here . I came to help him accomplish the things he still felt like he needed to . I came here to help my mom get through this time . I came here to take some of the weight off the shoulders of my brother and sister in law . And I came here to say goodbye . Death is an inevitable part of life . Even when you know it is coming , it hurts like hell . All I can do is try to prepare myself , and those around me , for what is coming . I 'm not sure this is what my publishing network had in mind when they put the call out this morning , but right now it 's all I 've got . We 'll see if my preparation is something to be celebrated . I 'd argue that it is . It 's just as important , if not infinitely more so , as any of the preparations that they think they are looking for . Posted by He is one of the only people left that can make Dad laugh . While everyone else seems to be so serious all the time , Nathan is anything but . He 's completely inappropriate , and in the process , hilarious . I love him for that . Hi . It 's been a while . I haven 't written one of these in a long time , mostly because I have just been busy . I 've also been try . . . It 's the 7th year of this challenge ! ! ! Let 's do this , people . Here are the prompts for this year , in the image below . Each day o . . . Hair , hair everywhere . What 's a man to do ? For as long as there have been humans , there has been an abundance of hair . On heads , on ch . . . I wasn 't . I wasn 't going to write about Mother 's Day this year , and yet here we are . The times that I want to believe that I h . . . I warned a friend months ago that I felt like 2017 would be the year I start biting people . Months ago . I haven 't actually bitten an . . .
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Once you have actually done an extensive examination , you now know exactly what should be fixed . You are now able to begin looking for the parts that you will need to obtain , to get your automobile running once more . Look online if you want to get these parts at the most affordable cost and readily available . You are now prepared to start working on your car . Make certain to work on one specific area each time , to steer clear of confusion . Additionally , you ought to begin dealing with everything under the hood first , after that concentrate on mechanical problems followed by cosmetic ones . The last action must be painting your auto . You would not wish to scuff up a brand - new paint job while working on your automobile would you ? Brussels is a city of grand townhouses and art nouveau . Yet plonked in the middle of the Belgian capital , on a nondescript street corner , has appeared a hotel that looks like downtown LA had it been swallowed by lava . An old 1970s art college has been redesigned and rebuilt , by people who usually make film sets , to become the oddest , most fashionable , most affordable stopover in Europe . In my bedroom , the roughness of concrete and cement is softened by elegant plywood , glowing in the bright light of those office - wide windows . To the right of the double bed , above a built - in sofa , a ladder climbs up to what looks like a cupboard . But slide the doors open and here is the promised cabine bed . Its sleek neatness is pleasing , its promise of claustrophobia less so . Lane swim the thin pool on the rooftop . Upstairs on the roof , theres a pool . Nobody would call it a swimming pool . Its a long rectangle of water designed for plunging into on hot days , or for submerged drinking at night . The sunset is pink and yellow in the rooftop bar , which is alive with handsome locals from 6pm . Huge slices of concrete tunnelling , once sewer pipes , decorate the wall by the terrace ; at the other end of the room , windows look out on to a wildish garden . You see the trickling greenery from the restaurant , too , an old car park where lamps made from drainage connector pipes are held in place by luggage straps . Wood offcuts become cubist collages on the walls . The food is Italian and good : vast bowls of pasta in the evenings , with a griddle for guests to fry their eggs at breakfast . Which is helpful because , at times , the staff can be almost as brutal as the design . This is not a May I take your bags to your room ? kind of place , or even a sure , we have a plug adapter you can borrow kind of place , but its almost better for that casualness , which suits the brilliant , bonkers austerity of the building . This is one of a group of alternative Belgian hotels that are run by Jean - Michel Andr , a hotelier aiming to innovate the industry . They offer experiences , he says . I note that as well as bikes , there are skateboards for guests to borrow . Tube planner concrete pipe sections in the bar . The interior designer , Lionel Jadot , came up with the hotels name he was thinking of traffic . He said he treated the ground floor like a big constructivist sculpture and its an odd feeling , emerging from this romantic bleakness into streets of neo - classical architecture . In one direction is Place Stphanie , which spiders out towards a strip of fashionable shops , with signs that urge you to Instagram yourself beside their displays and drink coffee among the handbags . In the other direction , a 20 - minute walk downhill to Place du Jeu de Balle , is the Old Market . Its been here since 1854 , a maze of blankets thrown down and strewn with masks and books and bartering old men . The seller wrote , " I just bought a really old car , while cleaning it I found a packet of this sauce . After watching the recent episode of Rick and Morty I went online to see if it was worth anything . Turns out it was . " The buyer topped 186 other bids for the sauce , giving the seller enough cash to ditch that lucky20 - year - old clunker and upgrade to something new or close to it . The seller 's only request was " I hope somebody who wants to eat some 20 year old gnarly sauce gets this . I would prefer not to sell it to a collector . " We think it 's only fair to point out that while it 's a cool stroke of luck for the seller , buying a packet of McNugget sauce for $ 14 , 700 is not a very Rick thing to do . Don 't get me wrong , Rick wants the sauce . But it 's more his style to win it in an intergalactic singing competition or gamblingwith some creepy - looking aliens . At the very least he 'd use Jerry 's credit card . He 'd also definitely eat the sauce . So how about it , new owner of rare McDonald 's Mulan dipping sauce . Are you squanchy enough to be a Rick ? Or are you gonna be a loser like Jerry . ( P . S . Don 't sue us if you actually eat decades - old expired fast food . ) Gillian Welch wants to see some kangaroos . She didnt see any the only other time she was in Australia so the country music star wants to rectify that when she returns for the first time in 12 long years . And since the tour is as much road trip as musical event band and crew are going to drive between gigs , starting in Perth and taking in two laps of the east coast it seems designed for the purpose . The tour has been designed by us , she says , meaning herself and musical partner Dave Rawlings . Weve wanted to do this for a long time . Last time we drove from Brisbane to Melbourne and that was the end of the tour . We didnt get to turn the corner and continue the tour . Everyone is super excited and they know what were in for . People say to me , Its different to the US , theres nothing in between . But my reaction to that is , Great . People dont tour the way we do . Welchs sublime blend of country , blues and folk traditions has led to sold - out shows in Australia . Songs such as Caleb Meyer , April the 14th and I Dream a Highway have established a special niche in the Americana catalogue . With Welch spinning tales of Okies and outlaws , backed by Rawlings harmonies and dipping and soaring guitar licks , they make for a spellbinding stage spectacle . We really enjoy playing live and like being on the road , Welch says . It feels like what Im supposed to be doing . Theres something natural about it . Its such a sense of how you get better by playing a chunk of shows . We hope the shows are transportive , transfixing . Were trying to give people a unique experience . I hold playing live in special regard . And its different because of the people who show up . Welch has not released new material under her name since 2011 but the Machine recently released an excellent second album , Nashville Obsolete , showcasing the pairs rockier impulses and Rawlings extraordinary guitar playing . With the tour , we hope people will get both bands , Welch says . When we get to Brisbane , were going to turn around and reverse direction . Two different ensembles , two different catalogues . Its been really important doing both and trying to broaden what we do because it can get focused right down to a razors edge . We have the same record collections but he cant do what I can do , and I cant do what he does . We get to cover different territory and the music that we love . With the Machine we push deeper into that Dylanesque , ramshackle rock . And I can push deeper into the Stanley brothers , Townes Van Zandt kind of stuff . Welch seems to have inherited the natural storytelling gift of those great names . She was born in New York but adopted as a baby before growing up in California where her parents worked as TV writers . Many people have wondered how this woman from the coasts can evoke the spirit of the US south so vividly . But , speaking to her by phone as she and Rawlings drive to a show in Houston , its obvious how she brings the sights and sounds of the American landscape to life , from the beauty of Appalachia to the backyard wreckage of abandoned cars . I always say to people , if theyre feeling depressed go take a road trip and see whats actually happening . Ive never been bored in a car . In every street sign there is poetry and history and all these beautiful images . You see so much crazy stuff . The other day I saw an old car buried in beer cans . Someone had filled big 60 - gallon bags with the cans and left them all on top of the car . But over time the bags had popped open and covered the car in cans . I was driving home from work at 2 am . I 'm a nurse and I live in a small city . The roads were totally deserted and it was a freezing night . I don 't live far from work , maybe a couple of miles . I 'm driving down a residential street around the corner from my house and I see a man laying face down in the street . Now remember , I 'm a nurse . My first thought was " Great , gotta help this guy up . " I was coming off a long shift and falls happen all the time . As I slowed down the car I suddenly realized what an idiot move that was . I 'm a 100 lb woman and I don 't carry any weapons . I thought I should do something to help the guy so I called 911 as I drove past him and slowed to a stop at the end of the block . While I was stopped at the light I explained to the dispatcher that there was a man in the road who might need assistance . All of a sudden I hear a loud BANG ! BANG ! from the driver 's side window . I screamed and looked over . A man was pounding on my window and jiggling the handle of my locked car . I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that there was no man laying in the street . Still on the phone with 911 , I screamed " I ' M SO SCARED ! " to the dispatcher and floored it through the red light . I quickly told him what had happened and even though I was right by my house , he told me to keep driving . After a few minutes I had calmed down and he told me to loop back around . I pulled over down the road from my house and stayed in the car . I didn 't see the man anywhere , so I got off the phone with the dispatcher who told me he was sending a police car to cruise the area . As I gather up my things I do a final scan of the area , and I see the man . He is walking with two other men . I hunched way down in my car until they were far down the road , then bolted into my house . I don 't know if he had ill intent , but it freaks me the hell out that he wasn 't alone . ALWAYS LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS . And carry mace . I 'm a karaoke dj . I usually get home between 2 - 3 AM , but tonight I got off around 11 because the bar had a power outage . I live alone in a triplex behind a house . I live in the middle of a city but the property I 'm on is rather large . So there is a big back yard behind my apartment . As I was coming home tonight I noticed that my cats weren 't waiting for me in the window . ( They can hear my van pulling in the driveway . They are in the window every night . No exception ) I thought it was odd . Then I noticed that my kitchen light was on … I never leave my kitchen light on . At this point I was a little freaked out . That 's when I thought I saw movement in my kitchen . I called 911 and the dispatcher told me to lock my van doors and remain in the vehicle and stay on the line . Officers showed up very quickly ( less than 5 mins ) they parked on the street and walked up to my van . They asked me to stay quiet and give them my house key . One officer went to the back of my apartment and the other used my key to unlock the door . When he opened the door all was quiet . Then he yelled REALLY loud telling someone to come out . I heard the police officer that was in my back yard start yelling and the other officer ran out to join him . My neighbors had come outside at this point and I was freaking out . It seemed like a long time , but they walked a cuffed woman towards me and it turns out it was a patron that i had 86 ' ed this last weekend . I don 't know how she found out where I lived . She was hiding in my bedroom closet with a very large knife and a bundle of rope . ( ? ! ? ! ) I was driving home from a big big city near my little town late at night after a day there with this dude on our first date sometime in March of 2012 . My date was asleep and his seat was reclined really low . We got into town at around 1am and I noticed this guy standing on the corner I was about to stop at at a red light . He looked like he was probably on something . He was talking to himself and pacing . I was a little nervous , but whatever . I 'm a little too quick to judge people sometimes . So I stopped and we accidentally made eye contact … At least I accidentally did . I could tell he was yelling at be cause I kept hearing " bitch " and some other … Uh … Things as I was stopped at the LONGEST RED LIGHT EVER as the guy I was with was sleeping cozily in the passenger seat ( really really reclined . ) After about 10 seconds of the guy cussing me out he hopped over to my car and swings the passenger door open REACHING FOR ME . I started screaming bloody murder and the guy I was on the date with woke up suddenly and started smacking the guy ( I think it started as reflexes ) . The crazy guy is yelling " Fuck , man ! Didn 't see you ! Fuck ! Oh fuck , didn 't see you ! This bitch ! " Etc . , and my date pushed him out the door as I zoom off , running the red . He closed the door and yelled " WHO THE FUCK … WHAT THE FUCK WAS … ? " I 'm hyperventilating and then I started half laughing half crying because my nerves were shot . We got some ice cream at 1am . Then I took him home and went home myself . We laughed about it . But , I don 't like to think what would have happened if he hadn 't been there . About three years ago , I moved to London . I was looking for a flatmate , but had no luck . I turned to my friend , Marcus . After a week or two , Marcus and I moved in together . After we moved in , he put some of his stuff in storage so that he could make room for me in his flat . When I moved in , everything was fine and well . Fast forward about a year . I went to get some stuff out of the storage locker that Marcus put his stuff in . As I opened the door , an absolutely RANK scent hit me like a bat . I switched the light on , and saw a couple old boxes , and a couch . I was looking for the source of the smell , but I couldn 't find it . I grabbed what I came for , and left before I could vomit . Now , fast forward to about a month ago . I went back to the storage unit to get something else , and the smell was even worse than before . I had to hold my nose as I walked into the storage unit . I saw an open box , and I decided to look into it . I found stuffed animals . Like , dead animals that were stuffed . I looked into the box under that one , and I found rotting animals . I was competently disgusted , so I went to Marcus to confront him . As I walked into the flat , I shouted " MARCUS , YOU SICK FUCK . WHY ARE THERE DEAD ANIMALS IN OUR STORAGE LOCKER ? " . He came out of his room , and sat me down on the couch . He told me that he wanted to be completely honest with me , and he told me that he was into necrophilia . She lived with a few house mates who were blokes , all good mates . when she got home from her shift , she decided to have a shower . making her way back to her room she realized her door was open which is normally shut , all the fellas were asleep so she blew it off as wind or something . She laid down in bed to go to sleep but something didn 't feel right and for reasons she cant explain to me , she felt the need to look under her bed . They raced in with baseball bats to find the guy half way out the window . He managed to escape and run away . The police were called and because they all knew who he was , the cops picked him up the next day . I went upstairs and hung out with my sister for a while . I heard the front door open , and rummaging through cabinets as well . I just assumed that it was my dad , since he always likes to check everything is in place before relaxing . I also heard my dad 's door open and close , albeit slowly , a few times . I was talking with my sister when the phone rang . To my surprise , it was my dad on the other end . He told me that he was going to be getting home late and that we needed to make our own dinners . It felt like my heart fell to my feet as he said . I realized that it wasn 't my dad that had entered the home . I hurriedly rushed downstairs to see if everything was okay . Several things were gone , and the front door was wide open . I then heard what sounded like breathing , coming from the downstairs bathroom . I chocked the urge to yell as I saw a hand wrap around the door , and a face peer around my corner . As soon as the guy saw me , he ran like hell out of there . I chased after him , but he was long gone . On the floor in the bathroom , I found later of all things , a boxcutter knife . I 'm not sure what his intentions were with the weapon , but they weren 't good if anything . My wife had gone shopping for the day and so I was in the basement doing some woodworking . I heard her car pull in , and so I headed up the stairs to help her with her stuff . She ran into the house saying someone was after her . I got pissed . People tend not to mess with me ( important to the story ) as I 'm 6 ' 1 and 260 . I used to be a power lifter and work at a saw mill . In my wife 's words I 'm somewhere between a bear and a mountain man . We also have a great pyrenees who happened to have been inside with me at the time . For those of you that aren 't familiar with pyrenees , they 're great dogs . They 're a guard breed originally from France . Ours is 140 pounds of muscular guard dog . They are the sweetest dogs , great with kids , unless you threaten their people . Then they get nasty mean . For example , we have coyotes here . We also have a 16 pound mutt ( wife 's dog ) . One day two coyotes attacked the little dog in the yard and the pyrenees killed them both . Back to the story . I 'm pissed . So the dude busted up in my house assuming she was alone since my truck was in the shop . He wasn 't expecting me or the Pyrenees . the big dog charged him ( all 140 pounds of big dog ) , grabbed the intruder by the arm and dragged him top the ground . I grabbed the dude by the throat and told my wife to call the cops . I got to spend about 15 minutes threatening to kill this man if he moved . The pyrenees never let go of his arm . Cops showed up , took my statement and hers and bad guy went to prison . Seems this fool had followed my wife from the store ( it 's a 30 minute drive and she tried to lose him twice ) after making some passes at her , but she said she knew if she could get home , she would be safe . I lived in a sketchy part of my city and I live alone . From time to time , I invite a few friends and classmates over . ( somehow relevant ) . I lived in a fairly large place and money was getting tight so I figured I should get a roommate . Three months ago , Shiela moved in . A little background on Shiela . This girl is kinky as hell . She would invite various men over a few times a week . Yesterday was when she drew the line when she invited a guy over and he went ahead and stole a guitar my friend left in my place . I was furious but also very passive - aggressive . I went to my friend 's house and when I came back , another guy is sitting on our couch . I got more angry because Shiela never fucking learn . I noticed this guy is a little shifty . A got a good laugh because I noticed that the guy was so high , he 's trying not to die . Maybe that 's why Shiela left him alone . So I went to sleep . I woke up to get ready for school this morning and I saw this guy happily eating cereal on or table . ( I got used to this ) I sat next to him to eat my oatmeal and we ate breakfast in silence . Shiela came out of her room and ate breakfast too . So we 're just silently eating there for 15 minutes or something . This guy stood up , washed his bowl and carefully placed it in a drawer . " Thank you for the cereal , ladies " , he mumbled and then quietly went out of our apartment . I said something like , " out of all the guys you invited over , at least that guy is polite " . Shiela just stared at me in confusion , she said " wasn 't that your friend ? A month ago , I was at a pharmacy filling a prescription . I have central pain following a stroke I had in my early 20 's . I can walk , but the brain damage causes severe burning in my entire body . Due to this , I am on morphine and seen by a specialist at a well known hospital . I dropped off my prescription and waited . I noticed a guy behind me , standing way too close . He could hear everything we said . I sat down and tested my blood pressure . I noticed him walking around in the aisles by me . I thought he was waiting too . They called my name 20 mins later . I didn 't see him while leaving the store . I looked in my car and got in , locking my doors immediately due to paranoia of watching scary movies , I guess . I stopped at the first stop sign and out from behind the tree jumps the same guy . In one motion he was out from behind the tree and was grabbing my passenger side door handle . It was locked . He seemed as shocked as I was and looked like he was grabbing for the back passenger door . I started screaming and put my hand on my horn and sped away . Other cars were also honking . I saw him run . I drove until I saw a cop car sitting at Carl 's Jr and ran in . He took my info and drove to the stop sign and asked me to follow . I couldn 't see him anywhere . The police officer said it happened last week to an elderly lady , so he needed to find him . I was really , really lucky . Always lock your door . In college I lived with my mom and aunt . We had a house on a hill in the woods . You had to drive up to get to the garage and the front yard sloped down to the left to expose all the floors of a pretty turret on the side of the house . To get to the front door , you had to step onto a wooden walkway that followed along the whole left side of the garage . There was about four feet between the bottom of the walkway and the ground underneath at the door . I pulled in , parked and walked up to the front door . It was dark but I could see there was something wrong with the doorknob . It was hanging out of the door and the screws were mostly out . I unlocked the deadbolt , locked it again and went upstairs to ask my aunt what had happened to the knob . We both go back downstairs and I show her the door . Her face turned white and we realized that in the time between her shutting the door and me getting to it , someone had tried to break in buy pulling the locks out . We had many more instances after that with someone stalking us but never found out who it was . On Saturday I got a call from a few friends about going to the Mall . It was a stressful week at work so I thought some retail therapy would definitely help . We shopped for the typical lady stuff like make - up , lingerie and shoes before we decided on hitting the food hall for a spot of lunch . I gave the girls my order and told them I would come and find them as I needed to use the restroom . The restrooms at the end of a large and wide corridor , they were your typical mall type with lots of stalls . Anyway , so I sat down to , well you knowand I could see from the Gap on the floor between the wall of the stall and the floor , lots of movement from someones shadow . I wasnt sure if theyre we getting changed or not so I didnt pay much attention at first but it felt like the shadow was coming from above at some points . You know as if they light above were being obstructed by something ? After maybe the third time I decided to look up and I could see a phone and parts of a guys arm leaning over . Someone was taking photos of me ! I instantly shouted out What the fuck you fucking pervert and in a moment of sheer shock and disbelief , this all very quickly turned to fear as I got up and leapt out of the stall and was greeted by an empty bathroom . Not one person was insight and from the quick glance of the mirrors opposite , there was only one stall shut that was next to mine . I ran for the restroom exit but it was locked ! Luckily , it had a twist lock that I could turn and as I did , I heard a stall open from behind me . I got out immediately and turned as I exited and noticed a sign on the on the door saying Closed for Maintenance , this sign was not here when I went in . I screamed some more , shouting to get anyones attention as I ran down to corridor towards the food hall and had obviously caught the attention of a few people . A group of 3 guys stopped me and clearly could see the panic in my eyes , they quizzed me , I explained , two ran towards the ladies restroom and one to find security . Security arrived within seconds . After a while a rather large crowd had gathered due to the commotion and although I was in the comfort of my friends , security and now the Police , Id never felt more alone . Security and the Police , nor the two guys found any one . There was a few Staff only and fire exit doors down the corridor , so plenty of escape routes for whoever this guy was to go through . I was reminded of this recently , but it happened > 10 years ago . I was living in my first apartment , alone . It was a third floor studio with vaulted ceilings in a huge complex that promoted itself as a " community " , with socials planned and picnic / playground areas among the buildings . Staff would drive around on golf carts waving hi . It felt like a safe place . So one day I called up maintenance because my a / c wasn 't working . A man comes up to look at it . He 's short but kind of wiry looking , maybe late 40s and leathery , like he 's spent most of his life in the sun . He 's in overalls , has a bushy mustache , all smiles . He 's looking me in the eyes while he flips his screwdriver , suddenly not so friendly anymore . Then he says ( I still remember the words exactly ) " You know what I think ? I think you 're pretty naive to be living in an apartment all by yourself . Here you 've let a strange man in to your apartment - you even let me close the door . Anything could happen . " I could feel the smile melting off my face but I tried not to let on I was afraid . Then I kind of laughed and said " Ha ! That 's what my boyfriend said when I told him I was calling you guys . He insisted he come over . He 'll be here any second and you guys have already finished ! You 'll probably run in to him on the stairwell . " At that he left abruptly and I locked the deadbolt after him . I 'd lied about my boyfriend coming over but immediately called him to make it ( almost ) the truth . At the time I thought I was overreacting and didn 't mention it to anyone . Looking back ten years later I realize just how sinister what he was saying was . The door wasn 't very secure , the phone was two - toned black and white , the TV had only one channel , and you could barely tell Three 's Company was on . I had to pee so I went to the bathroom and noticed the toilet top wasn 't there . By toilet top , I don 't mean the seat , I mean the lid over the water tank in the back . I didn 't think much about it since the rest of the room was so messed up . My dad was out trying to find tickets to the basketball games and I decided to take a nap . After a while , there was a knock on the door . I guess the door didn 't have a peephole , because my older sister asked , " Who 's there ? " The reply was , " Uh , room service . " I guess either my sister or my mom opened the door and I heard them slam the door and go hysterical , going , " OH MY GOD ! OH MY GOOOOOOD ! " The knock on the door had already half - woken me up , but their shouting woke me up for real . I was 11 years old , i spent the night hanging out with my closest friend at the time , I left around 7 o clock . She was about a 15 to 20 minute walk away from my house . it was the month of december , so it was icy and dark outside . While i was walking down the long sidewalk , i had to make a turn half way . Across the turn down the sidewalk i noticed a man way further down , he was alone at that moment . 10 seconds later a 4 door car drove up to him , it was a long street till my turn so i watched him talk to whoever was in the car , it sped off and he just stopped , watching me walk . As i kept walking all i heard was " HEY YOU , COME HERE , STOP , HEY YOU ! " I freaked the fuck out . I started walking faster . . and then noticed he started running towards me . I started running for my life . Since the ground was covered in snow and ice , all i literally thought as i was running was " please god don 't let me slip , mom mom mom please help me " i was crying as i was running . He caught up extremely fast , I kept looking back and noticed the car slowly driving behind him , as I ran i felt his arm reach out and try to grab the hood of my sweatshirt . By gods grace his hands slipped , and i ran a block trying to find a house with it 's lights on . I finally found one and banged at the door , almost ready to break it down to get in . this older couple finally answered . I ran inside explaining what happened . the husband then went outside to try and find him , when we went out he saw the man standing at the end of the street staring at him , then he ran off . my mom called the cops and pulled me out of school for 4 days afterwards , he was never found . For a while after I would would buy flowers and a card and leave it on the couples step , thanking them for saving my life . It was the early 1970s in Des Plaines , Illinois . Back then it was not uncommon to hitchhike . My dad and my uncle ( his younger brother ) enjoyed doing this , as they were quite the adventurers . They were both pretty young , in their early teens . They had just gone fishing , when they had made their way to a nearby coffee shop parking lot , in search of a ride to get close to home . A middle aged man stopped to pick them up . There was nothing really striking about this guy , he just looked like a typical guy . So they got into the car with him . My dad sat in the passenger seat , while my uncle sat in the middle back seat . Everything was fine , until the driver reached his arm towards the back of the car , and put his hand on my uncles knee . My dad 's creep - o - meter sounded right away , and as soon as they came to a stop light , my dad got out of the car , took his brother by the arm , and got the hell out of there . Fast forward a few years . It 's 1978 , and my dad catches a glimpse of a familiar face in the Chicago newspaper . It 's the man who had picked them up a few years back . The article states that this man was arrested after police found 33 teenaged males buried in various parts of his home , including the crawl space . This sick man would find teenaged boys wherever he could , to rape , torture , and kill . His name was John Wayne Gacy . When I was 6 and my bro 10 we came to notice that we always had a cop car following us around . This went on for a couple of months during the summer . We did not know what was going on until later when we moved far away . My mom explained to us that for two or three months , some weirdo would call the house ( when my dad was not home ) and tell her how he would rape and kill us . 1 ) The man would be aware when my mom was alone with us 2 ) He would tell her what we were wearing and doing on the particular day . 3 ) He knew our names ! 4 ) He would call from random phone booths around the city where we lived , sometimes from really far away . He took time to drive to the other ends of the city to make a phone call . * * edit 5 ) The fucking Montreal Boy Slasher was active at the time . Around 3 in the morning I woke up to my door being opened by a middle - aged man . He smiled as I sat up and said " Oh , no , don 't get up , I just wanted to let you know your door was unlocked ! " I just replied with " What ? " And he closed the door . I sat there for about thirty seconds before jumping up and grabbing a screw driver ( I 'm OG gangster ) and walking out of my room , but he was already gone . He didn 't steal anything , but nevertheless I definitely did not enjoy meeting him . After a month and a half or so of dating , my friend 's mom said they were leaving the country in perhaps the next 6 - 7 months . She was in love with him and he had promised her a life of luxury in Europe and everything was going to be perfect , the country they were moving to : Spain . Her and her daughter . The grandma couldn 't come . at least not yet , she was supposed to meet them in the future after they had settled in ( but at the same time , wasn 't he rich ? so many red flags ) . This is where I come in , since I was such good friends with Maritza , the guy had told Maritza 's mom to bring me along for vacation , that it would be good for Maritza , make the transition easier , etc . A week or so before they left , the guy came to my house and talked to my parents , he offered to pay for my plane ticket . My parents politely declined . I was fuming , I swore I would never talk to my parents again , I didn 't come out of my room for days , eventually I got over it and when it was time to go to the airport to say goodbye to them , I did , we cried , we hugged , we promised each other we would meet up next summer , by then I would already have the money saved . They left . We never heard from them again . The days went by and nothing , I remember the grandmother , the pain on her face , the nights she went on without sleeping , home alone without her daughter and granddaughter who were supposed to call her as soon as they arrived in Spain , and yet they never did . Eventually they were reported as missing , surprisingly enough the guy had given out his real name and last name the whole time , so after the cops got involved turns out he had this huge record in Spain and Italy , and had been in jail for drugs , prostitution , kidnapping , extortion and god knows what else . The police told their family that they were most likely sold into a human trafficking ring , that this was very common and that sadly there were too many cases like it , there was nothing to do but wait . Last time anyone saw them or had any register of them was at the airport in Seville when they arrived . Nothing else . It breaks my heart even to this day , and to think that if my parents had said yes , I wouldn 't be here today , sends chills down my spine . Sometimes I look Maritza up in facebook , in hopes that I 'll find her , maybe she regained back her life and her freedom , but nothing ever shows up . The grandmother died in 2013 too , sadly without ever seeing or hearing about her daughter and granddaughter again . This is my great - grandmothers story . She passed away in 2005 , at the ripe old age of 103 . This story is family folklorebut unlike most family folklores , which have been exaggerated with time , this one is 100 % true . ( I created a throwaway in case some internet sleuth finds out my family name , I 'd rather not have it tied to my main account . ) This story takes place in the year 1912 in a little Iowa farming community named Villisca . One summer day , my great - grandmother was asked if she would like to stay overnight at her friends house with two other girls . When my great - grandmother asked her parents if she could attend the sleepover , she was told that she couldnt , as there was too much housework that needed to be done , but that she could go over the next day after her morning chores had been completed . The next morning , my great - grandmothers friend , her siblings , her parents , and the two guests who were staying overnight were found murdered . Police discovered that all 8 people had been bludgeoned to death . The murder weapon , an axe , was left in the house . The murder has never been solved . A few minutes later , my bf says he wants to shower with me because the mud was very uncomfortable . About 5 minutes in , we started making out . We made out for a while and then out of the corner of my eye , I see a black flash and then the water got really cold . I didn 't think to look out and Tom and I kept kissing after we adjusted the water . I scream and Tom says " Man what are you doing here ? " and the guy said " Just letting you know that I can see your dad driving down the road so you may want to get out of the shower " . Turns out the guy was Tom 's dads best friend so Tom knew him . We got out and I was shaking . I tried to get away from him and go to Tom 's bedroom but he followed me . He asked if he could " finish me off with his tongue " . I felt sick to my stomach . I was 17 and this guy had to have been in his 40 's . It scared me so bad that I ran out of the bedroom and demanded to be taken home . I didn 't realize until recently that this could have ended much worse . A lot of things really bother me about this situation . I have no idea why he would reach in and turn the water to make it colder . And I wonder why my boyfriend didn 't take it as seriously as I did . He wasn 't creeped out at all . So I was around 16 or 17 yrs old when this happened . I used to work in a grocery store in what most might consider a bad neighborhood . I always worked till around 11pm and had to cross a fairly busy street to get to the bus stop . The bus stop isn 't the most well lit and the buses have been known to pass people because they couldn 't see them sitting there . So I 'm waiting for the bus to pull up when this white mini van pulls up in front of me . This driver rolls down his window and asks how old I am . I just look at him because why would I tell you my age , random person ? He begins telling me that I should get in the van to go to church with him . I can see another person sitting in the dark back of the van . I can 't really see him but I can tell he 's looking at me . The driver then begins to insist that I get in the van so he can save my soul . This happened about two years ago when I was 16 , at my best friends flat . It was around midnight and both of us were in her kitchen dancing around and being silly in short shorts and bikini tops . Her mum was passed out on the sofa the other end of the flat , bearing in mind she lives on the ground floor . After a few minutes we noticed an old car slowly driving past the window , we thought nothing of it really , until we saw it come back and stop right outside . We thought maybe it was one of her neighbours but a bit odd as they were all quite old and probably wouldn 't be driving that time of night . We just continued with what we were doing when her door buzzer went off . My best friend without thinking pressed the button to open the main door , not even asking who it was . When she opened her door a tall large bald man , dressed in old paint splattered clothes walks up to us at the door . " you ordered a male escort ? " He said . Me and my best friend looked at each other with confusion , and I said that no we didn 't order anyone you have the wrong house . He kept edging his way closer into our doorway and said , " no you definitely told me this address . " We got really freaked out and asked him to leave , but he proceeded to tell us he is coming in and made his way into the doorway , just as he did my friends mum comes to the door and asks him who he is . He backs right up from the door and starts stuttering , saying he got called to this address . She asks him what is this address and he doesn 't have a clue , and just makes some street up while he is stuttering , trying to think of somewhere . He apologises and then leaves . Me and my best friend are pretty shaken up but decide it 's a good idea not to prance around late at night not wearing a lot of clothing . One night I was up in the top bunk ( we had a bunk bed with a full size mattress on the bottom and a twin on top ) and my Mom came into the room and called my name quietly . I 'm a light sleeper so I woke right up . She said , " there is someone on the back porch - don 't move . " She was standing just outside the doorway to the room and had stopped entering when the saw the shadow of someone behind the blinds covering the glass doors . The type of blinds that are flat when closed but with the lights around the complex you could see his shadow through them . Then he started to knock - really slowly - that 's when I got scared . My Mom went into the kitchen and called 911 . I stayed as still as I could hoping he would just go away . It couldn 't have been more than 3 minutes but the next time I opened my eyes he was gone . When the police arrived about 3 minutes after that they looked all over the complex but could find no sign of him . When one of the officers went onto our balcony there was no indication of how he 'd gotten up to the third floor but there were two very evident palm prints where he 'd leaned against the glass for who knows how long before my Mom walked in . It never happened to us again - I hope it didn 't happen to anyone else either . I went to middle and high school with a tall , skinny guy who I had occasional interactions with , but I always got a weird vibe from . In my senior year , I saw a Facebook post he made that said , " I bet I could get more kills than the Virginia Tech guy if I wanted to , but I don 't want to . " Despite him saying he didn 't want to , I found this concerning enough to report to the school . This still haunts me to this day . I remember it pretty vividly , and I consider myself to have a bad memory . When I was 10 , my mother needed to go to Wal - Mart to grab some groceries . Being the hard headed kid I was , I didn 't want to go inside so she let me stay in the car . I was reading a book and listening to music when all of a sudden an old beat up tan car parks next to me . I look over , and it 's some guy in his 50s . The guy then opens his car door , and he 's completely naked except for a trench coat . I freak out , and lock the doors . He begins to masturbate profusely while staring at me , and I just avoid eye contact . This goes on for about 10 until he finishes , and leaves . My mom comes back about 20 minutes later , and I tell her what happened . She is pissed , and flags a security officer , but she didn 't know English so I don 't think it got through . My mom never left me alone in the car again until I was in my teens when I would just stay home . I also never found out any more information about him . This is only brief , but scared me for a long long time . I used to live in a very isolated rural town with a population of approx 120 people , and as expected I knew everyone there . My best friend and I were your typical benign teenage delinquents , and our favourite game at the time was an activity we referred to as " Dead Fred " . We would stuff a full length wetsuit with newspaper , dress it in long sleeves and jeans and leave it lying in the middle of our street at night - time . Meanwhile , we 'd be hiding in the bushes laughing and musing on the varied reactions of those who came across the scene . One night , a car seemingly didn 't even notice Dead Fred and drove right over the top of him at speed . The driver screeched to a stop about 50 meters away and got out of the car . I recognised him , it was a close friend 's dad , a recently retired accountant who I knew well and had been my rugby coach for the last few seasons . He looked unstable , possibly shaken but likely drunk ( drink driving was quite common in such a small country town ) . Without much hesitation , he pulled a rifle from the boot of his car ( once again , quite a common thing to have in a small country town ) , fired several shots at the " corpse " from afar and drove away . My friend and I kept this to ourselves , and as far as I know we are the only two who know . The driver remained a close family friend , continued to coach me in rugby and has since had grandchildren . I still see him when I go home for holidays . As far as I know , he never fessed up to the incident , and carried on his life for the next 23 years , and in to the present day , as if nothing ever happened . When I was about 6 / 7 , I used to take swimming lessons in a local pool after finishing school twice a week on Wednesday and Fridays . On Fridays mum would take me into McDonalds to get a milkshake as a treat afterwards . I 'd sit and drink my shake , then we 'd head home , no problems . This day was different . . I 'd finished my shake and wanted the toilet before we left . So in I went , into the ladies on my own as I usually did . I noticed one cubicle was locked and thought nothing of it , went in the second , did my thing , flushed and noticed that the person in the other cubicle was unlocking the door too . I hadn 't heard them flush . I turned around and it was a man . Old , disgusting and tall . Why was he there ? I innocently said " this is for ladies only , mister " and he said " why do you think I 'm in here , little girl ? It 's music to my ears . Where is your mummy ? " He took a few strands of my hair and twirled them between his grim fingers and reached a hand to grab me by the shoulder . I shook out of his grip and ran fast as I could back to mum , crying . I told her what happened . She told an attendant but by the time they checked he 'd managed to slip out unnoticed and into the busy street . My dad was driving alone at night down a small country road with trees on both side . As he 's driving he barely notices something kind of small hanging up ahead . He slammed on the brakes and was able to slow down enough for the object to dink on the windshield . He freaked out and gunned it out of there . I was living in a Scottsdale Arizona at the time , I believe it was around 2000 and I was 8 or 9 depending the month I 'm not 100 % sure . We 'll there used to be a huge park just behind the row of houses that were facing mine . I could walk there in less than 5 minutes and I did frequently because I was new to the neighborhood and was hoping to me meet some friends to play with . After a while of doing that I had a few people I would call friends . One weekend I head over to the park after saturday cartoons , everything was going well until some alcoholic man pulls up and starts yelling at me from his pick up truck , I ignore him and keep playing on the monkey bars . He gets out of the truck and starts chasing me , I was always playing tag and running with the friends that i had made so I easily ran through the playground and avoided him for a little while . But I was really scared and then I see a woman with a baby sitting in the shade 60 yards away so I ran as fast as I could to her and then he decides to walk over to her to avoid suspicion . He tells her that he 's my dad and Im grounded and shouldnt be outside . I explain to her that Ive never met him and hes trying to kidnap me and she confronts him and tells him to go away . Luckily there was a nice lady with a baby other wise I might not be here . I live in a semi - sketchy town in the Pacific North West . About two blocks from where I live , there 's this bridge over the ocean ( with a little beach ) where a lot of crime takes place . Lots of things like bodies being found there , rapes , etc . So I got off the bus that takes me to this bridge ( it 's the closest bus stop to my apartment ) . Three teenage boys cross the street towards where I am . I cross the street away from them to get to my building . They cross back . I thought that was weird but whatever . I start taking this narrow path up the beach towards another street , and they 're following me . I pick up the pace and glance over my shoulder . I 'm a 21 - year - old woman and these guys looked maybe 16 but I 'm 5 ' 4 and pretty skinny so I 'm doing that thing that a lot of women do when they think perhaps they 're being followed and weigh the odds of fighting them . This path I 'm taking is fucking desolate and no one 's around but there 's still some light out and I was glancing over my shoulder as they were filling the gap between us . I couldn 't be totally sure they were following me until I heard one boy say , " Stay at least 3 yards behind her or she 'll notice . " When I turn the corner out of sight , I sprint behind a hedge and wait for them to head out once they realize they lost me . I text my boyfriend that I 'm being followed and he agrees to leave work early to meet me where I am just in case . They turn the corner just then and I realize the middle one , the tallest and possibly oldest , has a fucking knife on him . I hear one of them say something like " She 's probably on the street over there , " and they leave . Just to give you some background information , I am a 29 year - old female and this happened to me 4 years ago . My family lived on a farm in rural outback Western Australia ( just north of Geraldton ) in a modest - looking wooden farmhouse . My son and I lived here alone most of the time , while my husband worked on rotation up north on the mines . We had no neighbours , no mobile phone reception and very little connection with the outside world with the exception of the television . There was only one window in the house , situated above my bed in the bedroom . It was a small old wooden framed window with no curtains . However the window was completely jammed and as much as I had tried to close it , there was about 2 inches of opening near the bottom of the window frame . My husband and I had spent a while trying to oil the hinges and loosen it up the day before he left to go to work again , but we gave up as it wasnt a huge issue at the time Fast forward to a couple of nights later , I am standing in front of the television doing the ironing and watching Sex and the City reruns while my son is asleep in my bed . As I walk up the hallway to enter the laundry to grab another load of washing , I pass my bedroom and pop my head in to check on my son . My heart stops . The window frame above my bed is shuffling from side to side , my eyes scan down and what I see next will never leave my mind again . There were two hands squeezed through the gap of my window trying to lift up the jammed frame . I screamed the house down , grabbed my son , the phone and locked myself in the bathroom and called the police . Posted on June 15 , 2017 by Charlie Meyer Suzuki puts out the SV650 motorcycle and its always had somewhat of a cult following to it . Theyre quick and a blast to ride . Here we have a SV650 going up against a 59 - year - old car and its probably going to be painful to see the results , right ? Nobody likes seeing a classic car like this get whooped . Well , hold on . Youll want to check this out to see how this actually does go down ! If youre a classic car fan you are going to be proud ! How this is even possible , Im not sure . A hefty 57 Bel Air dusting out a modern day motorcycle ? Well theres some mods done to this Chevy and believe it or not the thing is able to fly because of them . Posted on June 14 , 2017 by Charlie Meyer Please help me . Every day I am dragged screaming from my home and stuffed into a gorgeous car that costs a million dollars and I am forced to drive forever in nauseating circles while one of my loud comedian friends screams at me . It is Hell . It is a true misery to be Jerry Seinfeld . Every day I am carsick . I do not want to be in the cars . The cars are my prison . Every moment that I am in the beautiful fancy cars is nauseous agony for me . While I lie sleeping in my bed , strong hands grab me by the head and they shove me into the drivers seat of the most beautiful car I have ever seen and Im not allowed to leave . I am forced to drive all over the world and I become so dizzy and carsick that I cant help but blast the cars horn while puke rockets out of my mouth and breaks through he windshield like a geyser eruption . This is no way for Jerry Seinfeld to live . When I am in the cars getting carsick , the producers force me to drive all across the globe to pick up my comedian friends . My comedian friends are an ordeal . They do not understand how to be quiet . Every day I need to shuttle some chatty clown to a place I hate and listen to them talk forever . They do not stop yelling and I do not stop feeling carsick . This is what my life has become . There needs to be a way for this to stop . Every day is a horrifying new movement in the symphony of nausea that is my life . Last week I vomited all over the interior of a 1979 Porsche while Jay Leno sat in the passenger seat and cried . Then Leno started vomiting right along with me . It was me and Leno puking our minds out while we drove around Los Angeles . It seemed like things couldnt get any worse , but then while we were stopped at a traffic light , the backseat of the car opened up and in climbed my comedian friend Steve Harvey and without saying anything Steve Harvey started vomiting right along with me and Leno . The three of us filled the 1979 Porsche with vomit and then Steve Harvey opened the door and left the car as silently as he had entered it , leaving Leno and I alone in the ruined Porsche . The car could not be salvaged and so they had to blow it up . I had to pay for it and it cost more money than a house . Since that horrible day I have only grown more carsick , which I did not think was even possible . I have completely lost control of my horrendous carsick life . Yesterday Roseanne Barr and I drove in circles for nine hours in a 1954 Rolls - Royce and I got sick 19 times . Roseanne Barr offered to run me over in the fabulous antique car that had become my queasy prison but the producers would not let her do it . I got out of the car and tried to run into the Pacific Ocean , but my carsickness was so severe that I had to sit down on the sidewalk and I barfed into my own lap . Then they stuffed me back into the car and made me drive for 12 hours straight . If you are reading this , please help me . I cant believe how carsick I always am . There must be peace for Jerry Seinfeld . Please help me not be carsick . I will do anything . Just dont make me get back into the cars with my comedian friends . My friends are so loud and I am so dizzy . Oh Christ , I am carsick even when I am asleep . Please help me . Read more : http : / / www . clickhole . com / blogpost / every - day - i - am - carsick - 3943
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I 'll play The first two are ones that I did for VV 's Fall NEWT DADA class . The last one is my favorite that I wrote for the Monthly Drabble Challenge : Dumbledore that I won second place for . And the one about Narcissa was the first drabble that I ever did . Her father 's words stung Bellatrix . He was supposed to be proud of her ! She was going to be doing what they had always talked about doing - ridding the Wizarding world of the filth that was infesting it . Her father looked up from the Daily Prophet article he was reading . " That band is just common riffraff . It would not do well for a daughter of the Black family to be seen with such … lowly … company . " " They are not , " she challenged him . " You 've heard what they 've done . The Prophet reports on them everyday . You 've seen it with your own two eyes . " She was referring , of course , to the Mark . His mark . It had hung above the house of a Mudblood family not half a mile from them . " I saw Grindelwald do it , too , and there are still half - bloods and filth in our world , " her father spat . " This one will be no different . He will fall , and you will bring us shame . " " Ah , " he nodded . " I should have guessed . Did we raise a daughter who cannot think for herself ? Perhaps the match between you two was a mistake . " " Rudolphus and I are more concerned about the salvation of our race than you , it would seem ! " Bellatirix shrieked . " How dare you denounce our union ? I will be a Lestrange , and when the Dark Lord is victorious - " " Have you not thought of your mother in this ? " her father interrupted . " Or your sister ? Lucius Malfoy was hesistant to come forward with his intentions for Narcissa because of Andromeda 's behavior . She almost ruined us ! We don 't need you and your … Dark Lord destroying us further ! " Her father stood up to his full height , glowering down upon her . " Already they 've changed you . Already you are in too deep . How long have you hid this from us ? " he demanded . Bellatrix laughed , rolling up her sleeve and displaying the mark on her forearm . " Long enough . You will see , " she continued , eyes shining . " He will be the greatest wizard the world will ever seen . He has already gone farther than anyone , even Grindelwald , has dared to go . He will save us . And you will come crawling to me for forgiveness on that day . And I may not be willing to give it . It is you who has shamed us . I am willing to fight , to do whatever it takes to preserve the purity of our race , while you do nothing but sit back and let it be destroyed ! " She turned then and stormed out of the room . Her father followed her , and when she arrived at the front door and swung it open , she turned and added , " I wonder , Papa , what you will think of Narcissa when she marries a Death Eater , since you apparently think so little of me . " And with that same strange gleam in her eye , she raised her head haughtily and left , slamming the door behind her . It 's been almost three months since the last one . Maybe that means I 'm getting better . I 've stopped yelling at Mum and Dad at least . Little , unimportant things will set me off , though . Things that remind me of it . Like storms . I used to love thunderstorms ; they used to help me study . They were soothing . But now they just remind me of chaos . They remind me of being in the dark and not knowing what 's lurking around the corner . They make me feel like I 'm trapped somewhere and I can 't get out . I can 't go to cemeteries anymore . Or museums . I don 't like the statues . They stare at you with their empty eyes and it reminds me of nothingness . I was one of those statues in my nightmare . I don 't know what I will do when I get back to Hogwarts . Maybe I will be able to put it behind me by then . I 've been burying myself in my studies . I signed up for every OWL level course that was offered for next year , and I 'm glad I did . Having all that work to do will help me take my mind off it , and hopefully keep me as far away from the Hospital Wing as possible . I wonder if Harry is going through much of the same thing . He was there at the end , after all , and from what he and Ron told me he almost lost his life . Is this what it 's like to be Harry Potter ? If it is , I don 't know how he can stand it . Or maybe this is what it is to be Harry Potter 's best friend . And if that 's true , I don 't know if I will be able to stand it . I have that feeling of being trapped again . I 've developed claustrophobia . Mum always wonders what 's wrong with me when we take trips and we have to use the Underground . I think the tunnels bother me more than the closeness of everything . They remind me of pipes . I don 't like the cold and I don 't like stone . I 'm beginning to wonder if I like anything anymore . Madam Pomfrey suggested that I start using this journal because it will help me cope to get my feelings and fears out . I don 't like it anymore . It reminds me of the diary . And a diary is where everything started . I am going to burn this tomorrow . I think that will help me cope more than anything , because I will be burning my fears . I 'll be burning my feelings . And they will rise up in the smoke and be free , instead of trapped within these pages . And they don 't want to be trapped anymore . It 's not easy to stand there regally , looking and acting like nothing more than a porcelain doll your husband purchased . It 's not easy to hate Mudbloods and half - bloods and blood - traitors . Although , after years and years of it being beaten into your head by your parents and their parents and their friends , it does come naturally . It 's not easy having to tell your son he can 't play with other the other children because he 's a Malfoy and " Father thinks those children are filthy " , and then listen to him cry and tell you he hates you . It 's not easy to teach your son right , when his father comes home with tails of deceit and talk of wizard purification . It 's not easy to stand against the wall and be undressed by Death Eater eyes . But you do it . And you smile , and you look pretty , and buy beautiful clothes to let the world know just how happy , powerful , and wealthy you are because you 're a pureblood . Because you 're a Malfoy . Then you gawk and sneer and hate everyone and everything in the world around you that isn 't pure , until you forget . You forget what it was like to play with Muggle children before mother took you away . You forget what it was like to wear shorts and get dirty before father threatened to beat neatness into you and your sisters . You forget what it was to love and laugh openly , to smile freely . To live . He stared at the boy sitting across from him and couldn 't help but feel a sense of responsibility for his current state . He was pale - paler than usual - and his dark hair was matted and unkempt . But his eyes … his eyes were what frightened Albus Dumbledore the most . They were cold and haunted . Distant . Uncaring . Dumbledore didn 't want to look into those eyes , but he knew he had to . Those eyes were once wide and awestruck as their owner took his first steps into Hogwarts castle . They were once trusting and held so much life . But no longer . On the same token , Albus used to look upon him with trust as well . He was one of the more brilliant students to come out of Hogwarts . Unfortunately , it seemed intelligence wasn 't enough to keep people from making The Wrong Turn . That 's how Albus described it . The Wrong Turn . Turning to the dark side , as it were . To Voldemort . Taking the Dark Mark . As Albus looked upon this haunted human being sitting before him , he tried to convince himself that he should have seen it coming . The boy 's eyes may have been trusting ; the boy himself may at one time or another may have been happy and eager . But he had also been angry , and bitter , and the subject of much torment from his fellows . He had allowed himself to find powerful and dangerous friends . No doubt these friends were responsible for the boy 's decision and current state . Albus began to chastise himself . Why had he not done something ? Perhaps he should have taken more of a stand against the ones who had bullied him ; docked more points , or given out more detentions . He should have tried to get more involved in the boys life . He should have done something as soon as he saw the warning signs that this promising young boy was delving too deeply into dangerous territory . And , unfortunately , the answer was that he hadn 't noticed . He never saw the warning signs . He never tried to talk to him , find out why he was so angry . And he had only stepped in twice during the bullying occasions , and that was only because of the seriousness of the situations . Albus had been too busy fighting the battle outside , rather than paying attention to the soldiers of Voldemort that were being created on the inside . And now this boy … no , this young man … was paying for it . And he had come to Albus for help . Fortunately , Albus knew why . But he mustn 't push the him away . He had to be careful , if he was to bring him back ; if he was to save him . When I was seventeen years old , I used to joke that there was only one thing that scared me : N . E . W . T . s . I am twenty - two years old , and I don 't joke at all . Grindelwald has seized complete power , and there seems to be no stopping him . He is threatening to eradicate " the Mudbloods who dare to live in this pure - blood world . " I am a Muggle - born , and now , everything scares me . Footsteps echoed softly throughout the room no matter how hard Andromeda tried to muffle them . She would have moved slower , but she needed to pack her things and leave . It was the second of July , barely the summer holidays , but Andromeda couldn 't stay until September in this house . She needed to get out . " Meda ? " A voice shot through the darkness , stopping Andromeda dead in her tracks . She glanced at the bed where the voice had come from . It was Narcissa ; Bellatrix was still fast asleep . " Yes , Narcissa . It 's me . Go back to sleep . " " Why are you standing up ? Why aren 't you asleep ? " " I 'm - " Andromeda faltered . What could she tell her sister ? That she was running away because the pressure to be a ' good , pureblooded daughter ' was already too much at twelve ? That she couldn 't risk becoming the person that she knew her older sister already was ? Bellatrix . She thought of her sister , her crazy Bella , who at fourteen was hanging out with the wrong crowd at Hogwarts . The Malfoys , the Lestranges , the Goyles . They were all part of the pureblooded crowd , the crowd that would lead to trouble . She thought of herself , about to be a second year , but old enough to know she didn 't want to be a part of what Bella and her friends were involved with . Old enough to know how to run away . She could ride the Knight Bus to her friend Mary Cooper 's house . Mary would let her stay until they could go back to school . " Meda , " Narcissa persisted , " how come you 've got your suitcase ? Are you running away ? " She thought of Narcissa , not quite nine . Small and delicate , with light blonde ringlets that framed her face . Narcissa who followed her around whenever she came home , hoping to find one sister that would play with her . " No , Cissy , " Andromeda said quietly , reaching her hand out to stroke her sister 's soft hair . " I 'm not running away . " Whenever he sees a Dementor , the world seems to collapse on top of him . He is pressed together , squeezed until he can 't breathe . He breaks out in a cold sweat , which prickles as it drips down the back of his neck slowly . And then every time , without fail , the tremors start . They come slowly at first , but then more violently , as if he is shaking the happiness out of himself . The sadness manages to stay . The horrible memory clings to his brain , refusing to be thrown from him . He doesn 't expect anything different , though . This is what Dementors do , he thinks to himself . Suck happiness away , leaving only pain . This one memory that is adamant about not leaving his mind , no matter how hard he shudders , is the day he remembers everything about . The day he tries in vain to forget . It is this day that the Dementors force him to relive . It is just one scene , replaying over and over again , as if a broken film is running in his mind . His father 's shouting , his mother 's pleading , and then , the unmistakable flash of green light , so bright that it blinds him . And as quickly as it starts , it stops . He desperately hopes that they will catch Sirius Black soon . He is not sure how many more times he can stand to take the long way out of the castle , just to avoid the Dementor standing at the front entrance . He is not sure how many more times he can stand to watch his mother die . Once , he thinks bitterly , was more than enough . Until they catch Black , however , he will pass the foul creatures constantly . The world will keep crushing him , and the happiness won 't return . The lights around him won 't be as brilliant , and he won 't ever feel warm . " We 're never going to get this ! " exclaimed Sirius , throwing one of the advanced Transfiguration books across the common room , where it slammed into the wall . " It 's been six months , and the first part isn 't even working right . " James removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes , exhaling a sigh of frustration as he did so . Sirius was right , in a way . They had been working on the transformations for six months , and they were no closer to achieving their goal than they were when they started . He glanced over at Peter for a moment , and the smaller boy was just sitting in one of the chairs , looking back and forth between Sirius and James . Then he got up and went to pick the book up , replacing it on the table . Another six months passed , and before they realized it , two years had passed . They were getting closer , but it still wasn 't close enough . " Two years , James , " said Sirius . " We 've been trying to get this for two years . " It had been the same as last night , and nothing about the day had given him any clue that , in less than 24 hours , everything that was would no longer be . Of course , a part of him knew that things had been different ; they had grown apart in the past few months . The stress they had all been under for the past couple years had finally reached the point of affecting them . He could not really blame it on any of them , though . After all , he knew it had been bound to happen sometime . He had spent the night alone , not being on an assignment for the first time in weeks . The entire house was quiet , and he was simply reclining on the sofa , a new book in his hands . His mind could not pay much attention to the story , however ; it was far too exhausted , and within a few hours , he had abandoned the book and fallen asleep . An urgent knock on his front door woke him in the morning . He jerked awake and , glancing at the nearest clock , stumbled up and towards the door , pulling it open as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes . The figure standing on his front porch , however , was someone he thought he would never see standing outside his home . The visitor , Albus , said nothing . He simply looked at the younger man , and it was in that moment , when Albus 's eyes met those of the man , that the man knew . His visitor did not have to speak , did not have to show anything more , for the man to understand . What he had feared would happen for the past few years had finally occured . " No , " he whispered . " James and Lily , " said Albus . " On Halloween . " At those words , the man backed away from the door and his visitor . His entire body was trembling as he stumbled back , his head shaking " no " as he collapsed on the nearest chair . The visitor had still not entered the man 's house . But he did when the man spoke . His entire world had come crashing down on that night . Everything that he had known , that he had had , was no longer . His friends were either dead or gone , and the joy he had felt with them had now been tainted . Within 24 hours , it had all disappeared . Within one night , he had lost everything . It was the night that he could never forget . No one noticed the thin and tired man as he walked down the dirt path . If people had been watching , they would have seen his limping gait and hunched shoulders , his drawn face and shuffling walk . But they did not , because no one was watching . The man finally made it to his destination at the path 's end and , reaching into his pocket , withdrew a wand . " Hello , James , Lily , " he muttered , his eyes becoming slightly misty as he looked at the two graves in front of him . Some tears sought to fall from the man 's eyes , but he blinked them away . " We were friends , " the man sighed . " Hell , we were more than that . . . we were brothers . Until one left , taking everything with him . But we remained brothers , James . " And as the man stood , he turned back once more . The large manor was completely empty , save for only a few of the house - elves , but they didn 't really count , when one thought about it . Narcissa sat on the edge of her bed , staring out of the opened window as the torrents of rain fell from the sky . The rain was a lot like the tears that were making their tracks down her pale cheeks as she thought about her son . He can 't do this , she thought . He 's not ready . . . He 's just too young . But deep inside her , she knew that there was not anything she could do to stop it , at least , not anymore . It was already too late , to be honest , and Narcissa knew that . Draco had already made the decision to join , helped along , no doubt , by her sister . " Cissy , it 's time to go . Draco 's ready . " Speak of the devil , Narcissa thought as she hastily wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to face Bellatrix in the doorway . " I 've been ready , " she said . And , holding herself together , there wasn 't any sign that she had been crying as Narcissa Disapparated to the Dark Lord . Well , you have your wish , Lucius . She 'd fought with him at first , but in the end , it didn 't matter . Bellatrix took over the argument for Lucius soon afterwards , and Draco had made a decision himself . He thought he was ready for this . But he 's not . . . . I know he 's not . What ? He can 't be serious , thought Narcissa as the Dark Lord spoke . She looked around , and saw only her sister remaining of the Death Eaters . Draco will be killed if he tries to murder Dumbledore . . . . He 's condemning my son to death ! Narcissa didn 't need a lot of time to arrive at the answer . After all , it was the only one that made any sense . Lucius . The Dark Lord 's angry at my husband , so he 's using the opportunity to take it out on Draco ! He 's only wanting to punish Lucius ; Draco 's just his tool to do so ! And what are you going to do about it , Narcissa ? She thought on that last question for awhile . Bella , Draco , and Narcissa had returned home from the meeting , and each had gone their separate ways . Draco was busy in his room , and Bella was somewhere in the house , but her sister 's whereabouts weren 't her chief concern at the moment . . . Saving her son 's life was . Hours passed as she sat in her living room , going over any possible solution . Lucius would have done something , she thought . But that isn 't even possible . And then , the idea came to her . There was one person she trusted to tell this to ; there was one person who Lucius counted as trustworthy , and one person who would be willing to help Draco . . . in some way . He was walking through the long aisles of books that littered the Hogwarts library , not looking for anything in particular , when suddenly , a single book caught his eye . It was thick and bound in dark red leather , but there was no title on the book . But the young , thirteen - year - old student didn 't need a title to tell him what the book was . He knew of this book - the only untitled piece in the library - and he knew that it belonged in the Restricted Section . The Restricted Section , he thought . For the past two years , he 'd wanted to be free to explore the knowledge held within that part of the library , but the old librarian would never let anyone into the section . Madam Scroll haunted that part of the room like an evil spectre , and the only way for a student to get anything from it was for her herself to remove it . But this book hasn 't been put back , the boy thought , and he was overcome with the intense urge to read it . The knowledge it contained was of the utmost forbidden kind - at least , that was what the rumours said about it . No one had ever actually read the untitled book , as far as he knew . Taking a quick glance around to be sure that there weren 't any teachers present , he grabbed the book and stuffed it into his bag , leaving the library as he did so . Not wanting to go back to his dormitory , however , he reached the nearest empty classroom and entered inside , shutting the door behind him . He walked to a far corner of the room and removed the book , opening to the first page . The contents of the first page alone were some of the darkest forms of magic ever known , and as the boy continued flipping through the pages , the magic just became darker and darker and , in some cases , the magic was down as just pure theory - things never before attempted even at a testing sort of stage . The boy was so immersed in the book that he didn 't hear the classroom 's door open , and he didn 't notice that another person had entered until a tall figure stood above him , covering the boy in his shadow . Looking up , t " Reading . " At that , the boy knew it would be pointless to lie , to try and hide the book , but he didn 't give it over to Dumbledore , either . " I found it on a table in the library , sir , " he said , and Dumbledore reached down to take the book . After Dumbledore looked at the book , he turned his gaze back to Tom . " This book is meant for the Restricted Section , Tom , " he said . " You should not have taken it . " James slammed the door shut behind him as he faced the most notorious wizard of his time . His blood raced and his heart pounded , but his face was strangely calm . He held his head high , looking Voldemort straight in his horrible , red eyes . He was going to die here - he knew it . It didn 't matter , though . He was going to fight for Lily 's life , for Harry 's . He could run away now , but James knew that if he did , he would live the rest of his life as a coward , unable to look at his own reflection because he knew that he 'd see a man who fled when his family was in danger . He was ready . Raising his wand , he yelled , " Petrificus Totalus ! " Voldemort merely flicked his wand and the spell went flying away . He was toying with James . Anger bubbled somewhere deep down inside of him . " Relashio ! " he shouted with passion . It knocked Voldemort off of his feet . Sneering , the wizard jumped gracefully to his feet , ready to kill him . " This is as easy as I thought it would be , " he taunted . " The best you can do is to knock me off of my feet , apparently too proud to use an Unforgivable Curse . " Author Name : Gemma Hawk House : Gryffindor Title : Isn 't it beautiful ? Word count : 240 Warnings : None Isn 't beautiful ? I think so . Isn 't it wonderful how it blackens when our Lord calls to us ? I think so . Isn 't it a symbol of our bond to the Dark Lord ? I think so . I like it . I like how when I see it , I think of him , of my master . I know that he is out there . I know that I will be reunited with him - Voldemort . His name rolls off my tongue into the empty silence of my cell , bouncing off the walls and echoing back to me . Voldemort , Voldemort , Voldemort . The Dark Mark makes me think of him , of how much he trusts me . Me , his only friend . The only one who understood him . Some say that he never had any friends . But he does ! He has me . The day I got it , the day that I joined him , is the best day of my life . I supported him - I still do ! My faith has never faltered . I didn 't get a trial before they sent me to Azkaban . I don 't care . I am guilty and proud . I don 't regret anything . I love the memories of the deeds that I did for him . I love the hope of the deeds yet to come . I am glad that the Dark Mark will never go away . I don 't want it to . I want it to stay with me forever , to speak of the glory of his name - Voldemort . Isn 't it beautiful ? White . Hospitals are white , clean and orderly . That was why she loved St . Mungo 's . Everything happened the way it should , no mistakes were made , and everything was in perfect order . White symbolized purity and cleanliness . Her exact priorities . She had been a healer here for more than thirty years . She had the feeling that she would always be a healer here , but she didn 't mind . She didn 't mind that there was almost no pay . Money was for the corrupt and greedy . She prided herself on being neither . She healed people , she helped people . They came in messy and left clean . She always knew how to fix them . It was her job - to fix people . To make them perfect again . She didn 't like colors - they influenced opinions , and opinions made imperfections . In a world of cleanliness imperfections were unacceptable . She only liked white . White was pure , simple and unbiased . There were no problems with white , white was perfect . St . Mungo 's was where she was happy . It was where she healed those that needed it ; it was where she lived in her white haven of cleanliness . White . Hospitals are white , clean and orderly . That was why she loved St . Mungo 's . He could never understand Firenze . Always mingling with the humans that one was . It was most disturbing to an elderly centaur such as himself . In his day respectable centaurs didn 't just run off to teach young humans ! It was just irresponsible . Thank goodness he wasn 't immediately related to Firenze . Firenze 's poor mother had of course been heart broken when her son left the herd . He would of course never do such a thing . Not only because of his age , but because it was just irresponsible and unreasonable to leave the herd ! If he had done such a thing when he was younger he would have been stomped on by the herd . But now , with these young ones , they let Firenze go ! Without proper punishment ! It was hardly enough just to throw Firenze out of the herd with only a kick in the chest . What was the world coming to ? And not to mention all those insolent students always wandering into the forest ! There was no peace to be had anymore ! No wonder the younger generations of centaurs were all so untraditional . Their minds had been poisoned by the humans . Yes indeed ! Hagrid had , of course , been good friend of theirs . He was kind and treated the centaurs with respect . But even he had crossed the line ! Those humans were growing too arrogant , the lot of them ! He has never felt as numb as he does now . Numb down to his very core , his heart . He cannot give explanations , his brain isn 't working properly . His only though is failure . The words ' I am a failure ' go through his head again and again , but they do not touch him . He accepts them without understanding their true meaning , the real power of those words . He doesn 't feel , he is past that point now . He can only think of failure . He though that he could do it - but he was obviously wrong . He has failed . He though that he could live up to the expectations of those around him . The expectations of the other Death Eaters , the Dark Lord , his mother - he is certain that she never doubted him for a moment . He is her son , after all . Her life , pride and joy . He is her everything , especially with his father in Azkaban . He has let her down now . Pansy believed in him too . Pansy always believed in him . Pansy is his girlfriend - well , was . He might not be alive long enough to call her his girlfriend again . He is as good as dead . Is Pansy disappointed ? Perhaps . But not so much disappointed as shocked . He has always given the impression of having control , being on the top of things - being ready . Pansy has never known him as a failure . He has never known himself as a failure . Until now . Until he failed to kill Dumbledore . The thought strikes him like a slap across the face . He failed to kill Dumbledore . Snape had to do it for him . He though that he could do it - he was wrong . He thinks about Dumbledore , about Snape , about his life that will never be the same . He can 't torture the Golden Trio anymore - they have the upper hand now . He failed , he has no more chances . But Potter ? Potter still has chance . Potter can still fulfill his destiny . It pains Draco to think of Potter being better . Potter has always been better . Potter has had better friendships , greater expectations for himself and even - though this thought pained Draco more than anything - Quidditch . Draco , who has spent half of his life on a broom , lost game after game to Potter . His life will never be the same . He will never be able to hold his head high again ; he will never be able to smirk smugly , not now that he has failed . He will never be able to see Pansy 's smile again . He will never again see the proud eyes of his father - Lucius has nothing to be proud of now . All is lost . He has failed . He doesn 't believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel of numbness and despair . And because of that , he will never find the light . " Imperio ! " As the words left the professor 's mouth , that first time , I felt an abnormal calm come over me , and I felt as if all my troubles were inexistent . Jump around like a monkey , came a calm commanding voice in my mind . Sure , I 'll do that , my mind urged . I like this calm state . I won 't break it ! Then , the calm is gone . My troubles , my commanding father - they exist again . " Why - ? " I begin asking the professor . I don 't want troubles ! I like being care - free ! Jump ! I feel my legs lift and I begin bouncing up and down . Hoots pour out of my submissive mouth . The oblivion returns . Suddenly , I am snapped back into the reality of the classroom , the harsh angles of the professor 's glasses glinting in the light . " I will not do it to you again . If you become addicted to the feeling , the effects can be devastating . I am here to prevent dark effects , not cause them . Next student ! " I was shoved aside as another student took my place . ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Thought my professor thought he had solved the problem , he had not . For years , I walked around , craving the feeling of selflessness , and could not find it . Until the Dark Lord approached me . My fellow Slytherins had told him that I would be a loyal follower , no matter who was father was - and because of who he was . So he decided to test me . He told me to cast the Imperius curse on a prisoner he had there . He told me to tell the man to jump off the bridge we were standing on . As soon as the spell hit the man , I felt my own worries slip away as I went into his mind . I felt his troubles , but they weren 't mine . A smile split my face as I ended his suffering . Then the feeling was gone and I looked upon my new master with hungry eyes . " You will get more , " He assured me as he branded his mark into my arm . Now I stand over the infamous auror Frank Longbottom , and his wife . I quickly raise my wand in order to get rid of my own suffering . I need to get away . I feel a weight leave my chest as the spell settles over the couple . I command them to torture each other . NO ! their minds prote ~ Sunray
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We have finally arrived at the point where my children are excited for Santa and not scared of him . They don 't feel the need to hide behind me or under the table whenever they see the big man in red . They actually are excited to go and visit with him and are so looking forward to what he will bring on Christmas morning . My children are 7 and 5 and at such a great age to enjoy all the excitement and magic of Christmas . We are having so much fun this holiday season ! So when I heard one of my son 's friends say that someone on the bus told him that there is no Santa Claus , my heart broke . NOOOOOOOOO ! Not yet . . . we are finally at a place where we can enjoy Santa Claus ! I 'm not ready to start thinking about when my kids won 't believe in him anymore . I want years and years more of this magic and excitement for my children . I don 't want to worry that one of their friends is going to take this all away from them so soon ! Lucky for me , my kids are still , with out a doubt , believers . Phew ! But it got me thinking about what I will say the first time one of them comes to me and asks if there really is a Santa Claus ? How will I answer that ! In trying to come up with the " right " answer , I started thinking about how much the story of Santa Claus and of God are closely related . When we are young children , we need to believe in a God who is a white bearded man , lives in the clouds above us , and has angels with white gowns and halos above their heads at His side . An old , wise man who looks down upon us and sees the good that we do and also the mistakes that we make . A God who performs miracles , is all knowing , and powerful enough to be able to give or take away from us depending on our actions . And when we are young , the story of Santa is so very similar . Like God , Santa Claus is an older , white bearded man who lives in a far away " white like the clouds " land surrounded by his elves to help and serve him . He also can see us at all times and knows when we 've been bad or good . And he can use this knowledge to determine if we get a lot or Posted by This is it . One more sleep . Just one more sleep until I get my new iPhone ! Tomorrow is the day that I 'm eligible for an upgrade , and off to the AT & T store I will go . I am very excited , right ? Of course ! I mean . . . I think so . For those of you who haven 't heard the drama , I lost my iPhone earlier this year in April . It was one of those mornings were I was rushing around and so not in the moment like I want to be . My family had been involved in a car accident the previous weekend , and we were blessed to come out of it with nothing worse than a totaled car and a broken wrist on my part . That morning I needed to get my son off to kindergarten , and drop my daughter off with a friend while I went and got x - rays on my wrist . As any mom can imagine , nothing that morning went smoothly , and I was in a mad rush to get to the doctor 's office on time . I dropped my son off at school and met my friend in the parking lot to hand off my daughter before racing to the doctor 's office . Well , somewhere in that fast and furious exchange , I must have dropped my iPhone off my lap and out of the car . It wasn 't until a few hours later , when I went to call my friend to check on my daughter , that I realized that the phone was missing . I did all the backtracking , phone calling , and praying to try and find the phone , but it never turned up . A few days later , I saw the case to my phone lying in the middle of the road under the traffic light by my son 's school . Excitedly , I ran out to get it , but sadly the phone was not in it . It was then that I realized that someone else was now the happy owner of a new iPhone . My immediate reaction was to go to the AT & T store and buy another one . Surely my insurance would cover it . This wasn 't the first cell phone I had lost or broken , so I had been through this before . One phone lost in a taxi in the city , another flushed down a toilet ( don 't ask - I wish I was kidding ! ) . I knew I 'd have to go through the annoyance of reprogramming all my phone numbers , but otherwise no big deal . Or so I thought . Apparently , therPosted by So my wonderful husband and I were blessed with the opportunity tonight to go out and have dinner together - alone - no kids ! Ahhhh . . . . Life is good . During our dinner together , we had time to talk about some of the things that have been going on in our lives over the past couple of weeks . And because I am truly blessed with a husband who cares for me and how I am feeling , I found out that he was very upset about some unpleasant interactions I had to deal with in the past week . He was not only concerned for me and how I was dealing with the events , but he was also confused about how I was handling them . Or in his eyes , how I was not handling them . I 'm not sure when the change in me occurred , but I am much less verbal and much more active in my approach to changing my world . I 'm not interested in making people see my opinion and trying to convince them to make it their own . I 'm much more conscience of creating change by example . . . by my everyday life and how I live it . If someone disagrees with me or finds fault with me , I am actually OK with that . I don 't have this intense need to prove I am right and they are wrong . I 'd rather just continue to let me be me and let others be who they are . If they learn something from me or can become more positive because of witnessing my attitude ( at the right moment of course ! ) than that is so much more gratifying than thinking I proved them wrong in a shouting match , argument , or debate . I just don 't feel the need as much to defend my opinions . If I believe in something or want to change something , I DO something . I don 't waste time " preaching to the choir " or trying to get everyone to see things my way . I have found that the best way to make a change is to DO something about it . Not talk about it , preach about it , argue about it , complain about it , debate about it . . . but do something about it . Now don 't get me wrong . If I need to , I can take a stance and stand my ground very strongly . And don 't even get me started when it comes to my kids . I 'll fight for anything for them . But thPosted by Seriously . How can I be this lucky ? I had friends over tonight that I haven 't seen in over a year . One thing led to another and we weren 't able to get together lately . But we got together tonight . And you know what ? It was like we have never been apart . Conversation flowed easily and we laughed and talked like we saw each other just yesterday . Our kids played with each other like they have seen each other in class every day . What a great night ! Why ? Because these are friends who cared . These are friends who were there when life was tough . These friends have seen me through the worst of times and the best of times . These are friends who have cried with me , rejoiced with me , and have been deep down , stripped down , honest with me . They have lived with me through life 's transormations . They have had their experiences in life that bring you so far down that the only place to go is up . They have experienced that the challenges we face in life are the ones that make us grow . . . . that change us into the wonderful beings we are now . How wonderful it is to have friends that understand that life is crazy and that everyday contact sometimes gets lost . It doesn 't mean you don 't love them and aren 't thinking of them . It just means that you are doing what you talked about for hours on end . . . being married , having children , building a family , loving life . The universe gives you people in your life for all the times in your life . But the divine also gives you people that are meant to stay in your life . These are the people who won 't leave you no matter what . The people who have learned that having the most impressive house , the finest things , or the the most prestigious job mean nothing . But having the family and friends that will stay with you and support you through anything is what matters most . One of these friends told me once that my dream was coming . It was just on a local train rather than an express train . I will never forget that . Because I have since gotten off the express train and am very happy to be on the local train . To lPosted by Wow . 41 . Crazy . How did that happen ? ? ? I don 't feel 41 , so it doesn 't really affect me that much . I 'm just happy to have this day to celebrate with my family and friends , and to be thankful for all the wonderful gifts I have been given in my life . I am truly blessed . So blessed , that at the age of 41 I still was able to spend the day yesterday with my mom and dad . We went shopping for some clothes for me and out to dinner together with my kids . When the wine was poured and the order was taken , my parents ever so wonderfully began to offer up a toast to me . But here is where being 41 and a mom of two children has brought me . I didn 't feel that I should be the one getting the toast on my birthday . Even though I am honored to feel their love and their pride in me , on the anniversary of my birth , they are the ones that deserve the toast . For it is largely because of them that I am , who I am , today . So on my birthday , I want to give that toast to my parents . Only now that I have been blessed with two beautiful children of my own , can I fully appreciate all they have done for me - and in awe , say thank you . Thank you for choosing to have me . For the extreme pain it took , mom , to get me into this world ! For getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was still a baby and needed your constant care . Thank you for feeding me , changing me , and keeping a roof over my head . Thank you for working hard and providing for my every need . Thank you for selling some of your treasured possessions - your wedding gown , class ring - when times were tough and your family was in need . Thank you for giving me sisters and a brother to share with , fight with , grow with , and love . Thank you for taking the leap to move to a house when the apartment got too small for the five of us . For helping me to get on the bus that first day and know that I was strong enough to face that big school all on my own . Thank you for sacrificing so much to send all five of us to Catholic school for a chance at a better education than the one being provided fPosted by Wow ! We made it ! Put a brand new kindergartner and first grader on the bus this morning with no tears , lots of kisses and excitement , and just a little bit of nausea ( mine of course ) . After this wonderful morning , I proceeded to miss both kids terribly and wait the hours until their arrival home . Lindsey came home first , smiling and skipping off of the bus . She LOVED school . Wanted to go right back again . Success ! ! ! ! Then I spent more time waiting and missing the other kid terribly until he arrived home . After what seemed like forever , Brandon ran off the bus , all smiles and happy about his day . Loved his teacher , his classroom , and lunch in school . Another success ! ! ! Could it really be that the days of crying , anxiety , and not wanting to go to school were really behind us ? ? ? ? ? Ummmm . . . . No . I forgot that the first day of school is generally easy . It is in anticipation of the second day that the trouble around here begins ! We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school . The day was going great . Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed . And that is when the tears and fears began . My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten . He did not like going to school until 3 : 00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff . When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy , he said , " Fine . Then I 'll just stay home with you all day . " Ah . If it were only that easy . So , what is a mom to do ? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started . " I don 't want to go to first grade . " " It is too long . " " Can 't I take a week off . " " I 'm not going to school tomorrow . " " I 'm scared mommy . " " I miss you . " Now , I 've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school . I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of . Instead we talked about how it is scary , and tiring , and hard in the beginning . Just like starting most new things are . But that it will get better , we just have to take it Posted by I 'm not exactly sure when it happened , but at some point over the last couple of years my kids became people . Little people with their own ideas , opinions and attitudes . People who can talk , read , write , take a shower , make friends , work electronics , play , eat , and do a whole bunch of other things independently now . Granted they are only 5 and 6 years old , but wasn 't it just a few years ago that they couldn 't eat , change , or even walk by themselves ? Now they can actually think for themselves ! Well , that is when I actually let them think for themselves . Lately I have been feeling one of the biggest transitions in taking care of my children since they were born . I can 't believe it , but the letting go is already beginning . I thought that wasn 't supposed to happen until you drop them off at their college dorm room ? But no . They are becoming more and more independent every day . And less and less dependent on mommy for their every need . Each day , the line between what they need me to do for them and what they can do for themselves gets a little less clear to me and I find myself struggling at times to figure it out . When they were babies and then toddlers , my role as protector was very clear . I was the armor between my babies and the rest of the world . No one was going to harm them with me around . If I didn 't like how someone was treating my little ones , then I would swoop them up and pull them right out of the situation . I got to say whom they did and did not play with . It was simply my job to decide what my children ate , what clothes they wore , what toys they received , and who their " friends " where . But it doesn 't completely work that way anymore . All the sudden my children are choosing their friends and the games they want to play . Sure . I am ok with that . I can stand back and watch my kids play with their friends on their own . Until of course , I witness my child being teased or treated unfairly . Then I want to step in like a mother bear and take care of the situation pronto ! And here is where I am struggling with thatPosted by My husband and I went to see Inception last night . No worries . I won 't give away the ending . Not sure I could explain it anyway ! But the movie 's premise about dream and thought control got me to thinking . What if we were to look inside the mind of a worrier or a perfectionist ? What would we see . Well , since my mind is the only one I have ever had the opportunity to look into , I can tell you what I have seen brewing there throughout my life . As in the movie , the mind thinks it can create and control its own reality . We often use our thoughts to try and find ways to control a situation and its outcome . But as we know , often this does not happen . There are just too many external factors going on for us to ever have complete control over any situation . OK , I write that last statement like it is something I have always known , when in reality I have only begun to grasp it . As a child dealing with perfectionism , I truly thought if I worked hard enough , worried long enough , or thought things through enough , that I could control my life and achieve the outcomes I desired . If I wanted good grades in school , I just had to work harder than expected and I would get them . And I mean " work harder than excepted . " Because as a perfectionist , I was already getting excellent grades . But my mind was such that it felt it always needed to be a step ahead to keep those grades up . I often felt that I was one step away from everything crashing down on me . So in order to prevent that , I would do 110 % to guarantee that nothing in my present situation would change . Need to do a 5 page paper to get an A ? My mind would say to write 6 . Need to exercise 3 days a week to stay fit ? My mind would say to exercise 5 days . Eight glasses of water a day for health ? Better drink 10 . 10 books on the summer reading list ? Need to read at least 15 . And most of all , the trick was to do all of that while still trying to appear " cool " and " care - free " in front of my friends . In my experience with perfectionism , it wasn 't about trying to be perfect - but rather trPosted by Visiting my grandmother in the nursing home always stirs up a mix of feelings for me . I have begun to get used to the fact that she doesn 't remember who I am most of the time , and that she definitely has no idea who my kids are . I have also come to accept that with her physical ailments and her dementia , this is the best place for her to be . I accept it even if it makes me sad to see her there . It is so very hard to see someone who was once so vibrant and active - a mother of 7 children and 2 foster children ! - now wear an ankle monitor , sit in a wheelchair , and need 24 hour care . We used to spend time together talking , shopping , traveling , going to the beach . She was always energetic and in love with life . She had a tremendous love for animals and people and she could talk to anyone - from the cashier at the local supermarket to the friends I would bring to her house on the Cape . Now much of what she says is jumbled with criss - crossed memories of the many different events and times of her life . But even though her mind and her body are failing her in so many ways , I am still touched by her spirit every time I go and see her . My grandma has always been someone I looked up to as being positive and full of love and faith . Being around her , I still get that feeling . The feeling that life is beautiful and is meant to be enjoyed . When I arrived at the nursing home today , she was sitting outside in her wheelchair beside my father . She had her eyes closed , her head up , and was soaking in the sun . A big smile came over her face as she took a deep breath and inhaled the fresh , warm air . Then she just sighed a happy " mmmmm " and clasped her hands in prayer . Sitting in her wheelchair in the late morning sun , she looked like the happiest person in the world . And at that moment , she just may have been . Later in our visit , my kids discovered a butterfly and proceeded to go about catching it . This little activity caused quite a bit of noise as they knocked into benches and bushes outside and kept setting off the automatic doors toPosted by Change is hard . It is hard for adults and it is hard for children . But change can also be a good thing . It can sometimes be very hard to see the good in it when you are going through it . But after you experience enough of it in your life , you start to learn that it is inevitable and that it can often lead to something even better . Moving is a huge change . A huge change and a huge stress for a family . And not only for the family that is moving , but for the families that are left behind . Since my family is the one experiencing the loss of two close family friends moving right now , that is the one I am focused on . Luckily we treasure the friends that are moving right now and when we say " good - bye " it is not really a final one . We will still see them . We will still be close friends . It is just the dynamics of our friendship is changing . Meeting at the coffee shop for a cafe mocha can 't just be spontaneous anymore , it will need to be more planned . Having their kids over to play for the afternoon can 't just be a drive by request , but now needs to be scheduled a little bit ahead . Popping over for a glass of wine may now need to be placed on the calendar ahead of time . Working or volunteering together may not be quite as easy . Ugh . Just writing this and thinking of it this way brings me down . And it is surely not the way I want to present it to my kids . Is there a more positive way to look at this for my myself and my family ? OK . Let 's turn this thinking around . We have another place to visit now when we get tired of doing the same old thing around here . And now when we visit , it is not for just an hour here or there between activities , but a good period of time where it is just us and them . No interruptions , just time to chat and play . Kids . . . can you say , sleepovers ! ! ! ! How fun is that . Here is another word for you . . . surprises ! I absolutely love getting in the car , destination unknown for the kids , and surprising them with a day spent with good friends . Mini , affordable " vacations " in a new town ! New things to do ! Let 's ePosted by Brandon 's last baseball game for the season is tomorrow . I really feel that he has been blessed with great coaches . They really have been helping the kids to learn the game . Every practice and every game is about learning to hit , field , play different positions , and be a team player . The kids are taught to root for each other and to appreciate the successes of their teammates as well as the members of the opposing team . Most importantly , they are encouraged to have fun . And isn 't that they way it should be for a team of six and seven year old boys ? Maybe . But that is not always the case . I have heard stories from other parents of kids Brandon 's age , where the team is already more about winning and not so much about learning and loving the game . On those teams , only the best players are allowed to try playing any of the bases or infield positions . Kids are yelled at during games for making mistakes instead of being taught what the play should have been . And practices are all scrimmages instead of opportunities to learn and practice new skills . Competition and the emphasis on winning seems to be coming into our kids lives earlier and earlier . I don 't remember playing competitive organized sports until I was at least 8 or 9 . Now it seems that if you don 't start your kids playing soccer , baseball , basketball , or another sport by age 3 , they will be left behind everyone else later on . 3 ? Really ? Not only is the pressure to start your kids earlier felt by many parents , but also the pressure to have your child choose one sport to focus on at an early age . Sports aren 't just one season anymore . Most sports can play year round . Fall soccer , indoor soccer , spring soccer , travel soccer , soccer camp . Spring baseball , fall ball , batting clinics , baseball camps . Try having your child participate in more than one sport a season ! The schedule can be overwhelming ! Brandon played soccer at age 3 and started baseball at age 5 . But like I said , we have been very lucky that he has had wonderful coaches who have focused on teaching and bPosted by So many emotions . Not sure where to start . We put Abby to sleep tonight . She is gone . Gone from our world , our lives , our home , our family . Gone forever . Or is she ? I was there . I held her head in my hands and looked in her eyes as she lay on a blanket on the floor at the vet 's office . I watched as the vet injected her front leg with a drug that would sedate her and make her sleepy . I looked into her eyes and told her that she was my first baby , that I loved her , and that it was OK for her to go and to enjoy a new life with those who have gone before her . I felt her eyes gaze trustingly into mine until she could no longer hold her head up and I lay her down to sleep . To sleep in peace eternally in the world that was awaiting her . I stayed in the room with my sleeping baby until Rob and I gave her enough tears . Enough hugs and caresses to send her off into her new life and away from ours . The vet did a last check to make sure she was gone . But was she ? I watched her go , but yet I still feel her with me . Isn 't she at the foot of the bed ? Isn 't she downstairs pacing around waiting for someone to feed her and take her out for a walk ? Isn 't she taking a nap in the sun that is streaming through the dining room window ? But it is more than just the memories making me feel that she is still here . She is in my heart . In the stories Rob and I have been sharing about her all night . In the clear visions I see of her swimming , cuddling , and licking my face . And she is in heaven . In the heaven we came home and told our children she was in . The one where she is running , playing , jumping and being cared for by their Nauna Mary Jane . Their Nauna who was Abby 's first owner and who is so happy to be receiving this treasured gift back again . I truly feel blessed to have been able to hold Abby and be with her to take her from this world to the next . I know in my heart that she is in a better place , free from pain and suffering . How fortunate am I that I got to be the one that she trusted completely to support her while she journeyed fromPosted by Today I had a little reminder lesson on something I thought I already knew . Actually a few ' somethings ' I already knew , but needed a refresher course on . The topic of today 's lesson ? " Nothing is ever black or white . " My kids were invited to the Maritime Aquarium today to be part of a commercial the center was shooting for their new Meerkat exhibit . I found out about it last week and decided to keep it a surprise until this morning when the kids woke up . Brandon has been obsessed with sea animals since he was two years old . If he could live in an aquarium he would . Lindsey absolutely loves posing for the camera , so I figured it would be the perfect day for both of them . And it was . Just not in the way I imagined . As we were getting ready , I told the kids that they had been invited by The Maritime Aquarium to be their special guests for the day . I explained that the director at the aquarium had heard about how much they love sea animals and how kind they are to animals , and he wanted them to have this very special day to celebrate the end of the school year . Thinking that Brandon would rather get shots at the doctor 's office than be the center of attention in a big place with people he doesn 't know , I waited until we were almost there to mention that there " may " be people taking pictures of them having so much fun on their special day . Figured we take the day moment by moment and only deal with worries as they came up . Well , it was at this moment that my lesson for the day began . First I hear , " I don 't want anyone taking pictures of me . I just want to see the animals ! " Then from the other side of the car , " Oh they can take pictures of me mama ! I would love to show them how much I love the meerkats ! " Typical responses considering the personalities of my two kids , right ? Nope . The ' no pictures ' plea came from my attention craving daughter . And the excitement for trying something new response ? From my attention avoiding son . Just when I thought I had them figured out , they throw this at me . Shades of gray . We arrive at tPosted by What would you do for someone you loved if you knew the exact moment when they were going to die ? Would you take them to visit all of their favorite places ? Would you make all of their favorite foods for them to eat ? Would you arrange for family and friends to come and say their goodbye 's ? Would you spend every moment with them until that last one ? Would you explain it to your children before or after that someone was gone ? Now what would you do if that someone you loved was your dog ? My husband and I were sitting on our porch a few nights ago enjoying the beautiful night sky . Not wanting us to become lonely , my daughter came out to join us . Soon after , my son came out to see what he was missing . " The whole family is here ! " I said . " No , silly mommy , " said Lindsey . " Abby isn 't here . " Abby is our 14 1 / 2 year old black lab . She was our first baby . A " practice child " some people might say . We met Abby after returning from our honeymoon in Hawaii . She was a gift to Rob 's mom from his brother . She was three years old at the time , and still very much a puppy . I wish I could say it was love at first sight , but honestly , I could not stand her ! I think dogs know when someone is not too fond of them , and they do everything they can to turn you around to being their friend . Abby loved to jump on me , lick me , and eat my food . At 80 pounds , she also wanted to be my personal lap dog . She really had no sense of personal space and simply would not leave me alone . ( You see why dogs are often called ' practice children ? ' ) So when we had just moved into our brand new townhouse and Rob asked if we could bring Abby with us , I have to say I was less than thrilled . Unlike Rob , I had never had a dog growing up . My mom said feeding and cleaning up after five kids was quite enough for her ! But Rob had fallen in love with Abby from their first meeting . His mom was now too sick and weak to care for Abby anymore , and if we didn 't take her - well , I won 't tell you all the horrible things that my husband told me might happen to her . He really can bePosted by I opened one eye this morning and waited for it . Opened the other eye , jumped out of bed and waited for it . Brushed my teeth , combed my hair and waited for it . Went to the top of the stairs , called my son up to get dressed for school and then it came . " NOOOOOOOOOOOO ! I am not going to school today . I don 't want to go . I 'm too scared ! " Here we go , I thought . Brandon had been saying since Monday that he was absolutely not going to go to school on Thursday because he did not want to be in the Hoedown . He was too scared to get up on stage with the other kindergarten students and sing for the parents . I 'd been helping him to think of other more pleasant events during the week and distracting him to make him feel better , but now it was showtime . Time to perform - him at the ' hoedown ' and me at ' what was about to go down ' to get him on the bus . As Brandon began to scream and cry and slam the door - oh wait . It wasn 't Brandon who slammed the door . That would be my husband who heard what was about to take place and quickly snuck out the door to go to work . I really can 't blame him . At that moment I really wished I had a job outside of the home that I could escape to as well . ( Or that it was acceptable to have a glass of wine at 7 in the morning ! ) I first tried talking to him about why he was afraid . This did not work at all . He didn 't care why . He just knew that he was scared and the solution for him was simply not to go . Now of course , at this point I could have saved myself and him a lot of aggravation and tears and just let him stay home . I mean it was just a kindergarten performance , not high school graduation . But I know my son , and I know that if I don 't help him to face his fears , he will never get over them . Every small step he takes in overcoming an anxiety makes it that much easier the next time . I realized that I was not going to be able to get him to change his feelings - he was scared and that was not going to go away . So instead I focused on how he could best handle that fear and get himself to face it by going tPosted by One night a few years ago in a beautiful yoga studio in Connecticut , I took my first private yoga class with one of my favorite instructors . During class , she stopped me and said , " Angela , you have a lovely yoga practice , but you don 't know how to breathe . " Don 't know how to breathe ? How had I gotten through 37 + years of life without knowing how to breathe ? Air in , air out . Not so hard , right ? But then my yoga mentor began teaching me how to breathe , and I realized - she was right . Not knowing how to breathe correctly probably started for me as a young child . I had constant ear infections and colds and often couldn 't breathe out of my nose . My doctor said I was a " mouth breather " . Tubes , medication , and getting older helped me to begin breathing out of my nose , but I had another problem . Not only was I a mouth breather , but I was also a chest breather . ( I know . . . you may be saying " So ? Mouth , chest , lungs - aren 't you supposed to use these to breathe ? " ) Then , like many teenagers , I wore my designer jeans that were tightly fitted around the waist . Which means a lot of holding in of the stomach and not much room for the diaphragm to expand . As a teacher , I can remember feeling by the end of the day as if I had not breathed at all . I was often so stressed and in a rush to fit everything in that my stomach was clenched and my shoulders and chest were tight . Not great for breathing it turns out . Also not great for one 's health . And forget about breathing correctly as a mom ! Who has time for that ? So it wasn 't until my yoga instructor began showing me how to breathe , that I realized how truly important it was . Concentrating on the breathe and breathing fully and correctly can literally change many aspects of your life . Your anxiety level can go down , you can focus more on the moment , you can physically and mentally accomplish more , and your health can greatly improve . Relaxed , diaphragmatic breathing where we are breathing in and out of our noses and from our belly has a " positive effect on the cardiovascular , neurologicaPosted by OK . Let 's have a show of hands here . Who else went out and bought silly bandz for their kids because " everyone has them mom ! " ? Because really , why else would I spend five dollars on 12 rubber bands that are going to get broken , lost , or discarded in a matter of days ? Was it because they came in different colors ? Because of the cool shapes ? Because my kids would have hours of fun with them ? NO - I admit it - it was because I didn 't want my kids to feel left out . I knew having the silly bandz to show off to their friends would make them feel happy and ' cool ' so I bought them . As much as they want to fit in , I want them to fit in too . But I did stare at the silly bandz display in the store for awhile deciding what to do . I actually left the store empty handed the first time . But then I saw more and more kids with them over the next few days , and heard more and more ' please moms ' from my kids so I decided to surprise them and go back and get them . Where they thrilled ? Of course . For a few days . But now as predicted , many are lost , others broke in half , and the rest are scattered around their rooms . They come out again when a friend comes over wearing them , but otherwise they sit untouched . And that is what I thought about as I stood staring at the silly bandz in the store . Was getting these for my kids because everyone else had them really a great lesson for my kids ? I want them to learn to be individuals , to do their own thing and be proud of it . To be their own persons , stand up for themselves and not care what others think . I also want them to learn that happiness comes from within and that money and possessions won 't bring you happiness . Material things might make people want to be your friend , but they definitely don 't bring true friends into your lives . So then why did I buy the silly bandz ? Probably because they were only $ 5 and for $ 5 I could make my kids happy even if only for a little bit ! But if it starts with $ 5 silly bandz , where will it go from there ? What about when my daughter wants the brand new AmeriPosted by Shrimp , shorty , shortcake , pip squeak . . . I heard them all as a kid . Yep , I was the kid always at the front of the line . If it was time to line up in size order , you - know - who was front and center . " Really sweetie , you need to be in the front row of the picture so we can see you . " " I 'm sorry , you have to be up to the bear 's hand to go on this ride . " " Here is a kiddie menu for you my dear . " Ah , good times . I can remember my friends all going to the juniors department to find their dresses for 8th grade graduation . At the same time , my mom and I searched Dutchess County and beyond for a size 10 children 's dress that LOOKED like it came from the juniors department ( there was no Limited Too or Justice back then ! ) . Going to the movies with friends was always scary because I knew the ticket vendor was going to try and sell me the ticket for the under 12 price - even when I was 16 . Simply the end of the world for a 16 year old hanging out with her friends . Sure , being short sometimes had its advantages . I got to be the guardian angel in the Christmas pageant because I was the only one who could fit in the costume . I think I also got to be cheerleading captain for awhile for the same reason . But mostly being " different " from my friends in this way , left me in constant fear of being teased . I hated the nicknames , and the misunderstandings about my age due to my small stature . I just wanted to fit in , but being smaller than most everyone else made me at times feel awkward and not good enough . I had lots of friends , did well in school , and had a great family , but these worries still hurt . Just about every kid in every school in every country is going to get teased about something in his childhood . Let 's face it . . . kids can be mean to each other ! But is there something we can do to help our children deal with these times ? ( Besides going to take care of the little teaser ourselves - come on . . . you know you thought about it ! ) Is there a way to help prepare them for this awful part of childhood and to give them strategies for handlingPosted by I guess I have always been a worrier . Being a good student , I worried about maintaining my status as one . I certainly did not want to get in trouble in school , and rarely did . I can clearly remember the time in 6th grade that I got yelled at by Sr . Margaret for talking too loud in the girls bathroom . Didn 't matter that five other girls probably also got reprimanded , the fact that I did still stings when the memory comes up . The worry of getting in trouble often conflicted with my worry about the other kids liking me . I wanted to pass notes to be in the cool crowd , but was terrified of getting caught . I would lay awake nights hoping that I didn 't get anything less than a 100 on a test ( or 105 if there happened to be a bonus question ) , but then worried about looking like a know it all nerd in front of my friends . Yeah , I was definitely a worry kid . That worry kid turned into a worry teenager , worry college student , worry twenty something , and worried adult . I don 't think I realized through any of this that I WAS worrying so much . I just figured it was a normal thing to do . I mean , doesn 't everybody worry ? Doesn 't everyone want to do well , have friends , succeed , be healthy and happy , have everyone like them , be perfect ? OK , maybe not . Or maybe not to the extreme that I did . Looking back I see that worrying was my way of controlling the uncontrollable . If I worried enough about having friends , I would always have them . Worry enough about grades , and I would always get A 's . Worry about making mistakes , and I would prevent myself from making them . Worrying for me led to thinking and thinking led to problem solving which led to taking action which often led to more worrying . And also led to a whole lot of stomach problems and dis - ease . My head was a tape recorder ( remember those ? ) set to shuffle and repeat that just kept playing the same messages over and over again : " If you don 't agree with her opinion , she won 't be your friend anymore . " " If you drop the ball , they will all laugh at you , and know one will like you . " " IPosted by
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Emily had bought the shoes on sale , and was very pleased with herself about it even before she knew they were magic . When she tried them on at the store , nothing had happened . She 'd just noticed that they were a bit tight , but the kind that you knew would be fine once broken in , especially for 40 % off . So she 'd bought them and brought them home and the moment she put them on and twirled to show herself off in the mirror , her twirl had hurled her miles around the country . One half - spin and Emily was in Kansas , Wyoming , Minnesota , and then back home . Not that she knew where she was any of those times , of course , she 'd just flashed in and out of a few places and then ended up in Chicago again with her heart pounding against her ribs and her toes beginning to ache . She took the shoes off very carefully and examined them to make sure that no dirt or dust from the fields had clung to their shiny red surface , and then she put them on the carpet and stepped back in . Emily shuffled forward , just slightly , and inhaled water . She choked and kicked and coughed and spluttered , but her shoes weren 't touching ground so she stayed in the lake . Once she had caught her breath and kept her head above water for long enough to sight the shore , she swam to land where she could take a tiny step back to the city . From there it was an easy walk in socks back home , where she threw the shoes under the bed , took a long shower , and had some dinner . Seven leagues is approximately twenty - four miles . Emily ascertained , after a great deal of careful and methodical testing , that her new shoes only traveled about six and a half leagues . She thought the difference was likely due to the fact that they were not boots , and nobody ever heard of seven - league high - heeled pumps . She spent her weekends traveling now . She visited three cities in California during the month of February , when the Chicago air was so bitter cold that it hurt to breathe . If everything could be a day trip because it was only a few steps to get home , she found , you could save a lot on hotels . It was a little lonely , sometimes , to explore all on her own . She packed a neat little bag with necessities and an extra pair of shoes so that she could walk once she got where she was going , and she took pictures with her phone . In the photos , Emily is in front of a monument or a skyline or a really good food truck , but her smile is tentative , as if she 's not sure what to look at . One day , Emily put on an ordinary pair of flats and went to the store where she had bought the shoes , 40 % off . They were having another sale . She was idly contemplating a pair of wedges when the shoe salesman walked up to her . " Those won 't suit you , " he said . Emily raised her eyebrows at him , confused . " I mean , that is , you can 't get that far in heels like that . " He winked . " Oh , " she said , and smiled . " I see . Hi . I 'm Emily . Would you like to take a walk with me sometime ? " Yvonne left her heart , at last , under the willow tree in the park one night . The park closed at dusk , but she slid over the fence in the dark , pulse thrumming and the cold air stroking shivers across her skin . She had used to do this with someone else . They had helped one another over the fence , landing in one another 's arms . They had laughed as quietly as they could . Now she picked her way through the park alone , toward the tree where they had sat together , backs against the bark . She leaned against it and closed her eyes . For a moment , she could almost imagine skin against her skin , warmth against her warmth . Then it was gone , and she opened her eyes to see the empty park . The streets and cars winked from beyond the fence , but within the trees and grass were still and silent . Yvonne stood and bent down , splaying fingers out on the grass . The earth was soft , and she burrowed with one hand until she had made a dent in the ground . She placed her heart in the hollow at the willow 's roots , and then she left . The fence was easier to jump on the way out . She felt lighter . The glare of headlights and the glow of windows seemed distant and calm as she walked home . For a while , she could not even notice a difference in herself . She wondered absently how many people did just the same and wander through the world , heartless . Perhaps nobody could ever tell . The only thing that seemed to have changed was that she did not hurt , and she was glad of that . There was no ache that bloomed when she opened her eyes in the morning , and that she curled around when she fell asleep . She had no bad dreams . Her sleep was smooth and dark , and when she awoke she did not shudder with the memory of the night . She barely dreamed at all anymore . If anyone else could see that something had shifted in Yvonne , nobody told her so . Her work colleagues treated her with the same mild politeness . Her friends met her and chattered and teased just as they always had , and she was able to smile and tease back . Her life was a comfortable habit , and its touch did not chafe . It was even easier , now that she could follow those rote patterns . Some of it was interesting , some of the time . She observed herself living with detached curiosity . She did not remember what it had been like to live with her heart trembling inside her all the time . When she realized that she had forgotten , she thought she might revisit the park to see if anything had changed . And , after all , she wanted to check that her heart was still there . She didn 't want to carry it around , for it was heavy , but she didn 't want it nibbled by squirrels and buried somewhere unknown , either . That night she climbed over the fence and into the park , as she had done so many times before . The metal of the fence was cold on her skin and the darkness deepened as she walked , but she was not frightened . The elm tree twined up toward the sky in a familiar shape , and she nodded when she recognized it . There among its roots was the hole she had made , and her heart nestled inside just where she had left it . Old leaves and twigs had cluttered and crowded it , so she moved to brush them away . When she touched her heart , just for an instant , she could see all her ghosts ranged around her . They looked at her with solemn eyes , and she shivered . Her heart beat under her fingers . She closed her eyes against the dark , knowing that the ghosts were there . They moved forward , gathering , and Yvonne snatched her hand up . The pain ebbed and disappeared . The ghosts were gone from her eyes . She shook her head to clear it of cobwebs , and then she turned to leave . The ghosts were left there , watching her go , wishing for her to take back her heart and to bring them with her once more . They called , but she could not hear . They scrabbled at the leaves and could not move them . They tugged on her heart , but she could not feel . Before the bridge , Jesse had not thought much about the solidity of air . In his high school physics class , he had pictured it as a fluid that filled up the atmosphere , moving in and out of bodies and leaves and air conditioning units with ease . It didn 't get stuck and it was heavy enough that it didn 't reach the tops of mountains enough to puff up lungs all the way . When he found the bridge , he didn 't believe it was air at all that stretched out above the river . He 'd been exploring with his friend Nina one sticky hot afternoon in the summer . They walked out to the bridge , where cool floated up from the water and lightened the air amidst the suffocating heat , and they climbed over the fence . They laughed at each other and their shared bravado . Nina grabbed his hand and wound her fingers around his . The two friends sat on the concrete ledge , legs swinging over the emptiness , hands entwined , and watched the water . Their hearts slowed from their foolish gallop , and they leaned toward each other enough to feel the warmth between their bodies . After a while , Jesse stood up and walked with arms outstretched across the ledge . He wobbled a bit , exaggerating for Nina , and she shrieked and scolded him , laughing and breathy with fear . When he stopped , he reached a foot out over the edge as if about to step off and tapped it against the air . Nina called after him , but he paused and reached back and threaded his fingers through the wire of the fence . He stretched a cautious foot before him again and pressed it down against the air , which didn 't move out of the way . Nina stood , shaky , and walked over to her friend as he stepped off the bridge and into thin air . He didn 't fall . They stood there for a long silent minute , she on the concrete edge of the bridge and he standing a foot away from it on solid air . They gaped at each other . Jesse bounced up and down on the balls of his feet - " Don 't ! " Nina burst out when he moved - but the air held firm beneath him . He traced his toe against the air under him , trying to find its edges . It was a narrow outcropping from the bridge , but it extended out past where he was standing in a strip of solid air . When he reached the end on either side he swayed , and fumbled for Nina 's hand again . He shuffled back to the bridge and the friends walked home , shivering and quiet . The next week , Nina called Jesse . She had been doing research , she said . " There aren 't any stories about the bridge . I mean , like about it being haunted or anything . Which is kind of weird , because it 's super old and even if there weren 't anything strange about it , there should be a story or two by now about something that has lasted that long , you know , over a river , where people jump off and stuff . There are a bunch more suicides there than most places , though . " He went back without her the next time . She was afraid . Jesse didn 't let himself be afraid . He was excited instead . His heart drummed as he walked to the bridge , and he barely hesitated to step over the fence and off the ledge . He tested the air and found it there , supporting his feet . He followed the corridor of air for a few more feet away from the bridge , until he looked down and was dizzy at the water glittering so far below him . He backed up , slowly , and sat on the bridge again with his feet propped up on the air for a while before he left the river . The next week , Nina called him and he didn 't pick up . She took a long shuddering breath , listening to his voicemail message , and then hung up without speaking . She knows where he went , because when she climbed over the fence she saw the note he left her . It read , " N , went to see where it goes . I 'll be back . Love , J " She can 't follow him . When she stepped tentatively off the edge , the air wouldn 't take her weight . She fell back against the fence and wondered how far he had gotten . What he saw was so out of place that for a moment he questioned whether he had jumped through time . There somebody was , right in front of him , talking on a cellphone ! It was pressed to her face hard enough to leave lines on her face , if she ever peeled it off . He definitely was not in 1814 anymore . What was happening ? " Harold , " he said to himself , " Don 't be ridiculous . Take a breath . " He took a long , steadying breath . He blew out , lips pursed , and shook himself . Of course he had jumped through time . He couldn 't very well have stayed in 1814 forever . It was simply too difficult , tripping over ladies ' hoop skirts all day and having to worry about tuberculosis and such . Not to mention the cows . Centuries ago , there were entirely too many cows all over the place . And then there were horses , too . It was just not to be borne , and so Harold would be very glad to be back , once he got over the shock . It was always a jolt to his system every time that the time changed . The jump wasn 't a choice , exactly . Once , he had been able to control it . With just a squint of his eyes and a moment of concentration , he could skip back to the Jurassic Period and run from some dinosaurs until he got bored and decided to come back . He had done that , and some other epochs as well , until once in the early Middle Ages he had gotten stuck . He had lived among the filthiest people for a full year before he was able to pull himself back to the present . That seemed like a good time for a break , and several hot baths in a row . Eight of them , actually . Luckily , nothing bubonic had happened yet when he had been , or anything else that came back with him . It was , in a manner of speaking , a clean break . Eventually the skips had just started happening , dragging him along without his doing anything and certainly without his consent . There really is only so much time one person can spend in the past . Before too long , you get bogged down , held back , tied up , and entirely irritated . All in all , Harold was relieved to see a cell phone , though he 'd been in the nineteenth century for such a time that it took him a full ten minutes for figure out what had happened . " Well , I supposed I 'd better get out of these clothes , " he muttered , tugging at the cravat . Once he had untucked his blouse from his pants and disposed of the frock coat , he felt almost normal . At least when he traveled , he stayed in approximately the same place . This had been awkward for a while until he figured out that he 'd better make sure the heights matched . He 'd gotten quite good at doing research on past architecture and geology . This meant that he wasn 't far from home , now that he was back to his time . He could walk , and he did . When he got home , the door was locked . Nineteenth - century gentlemen don 't carry around twenty - first - century house keys , so of course he didn 't have one with him . There should have been one under the frog statue , but he couldn 't even find the frog . " Bloody hell , " he said to himself , and pounded on the door in frustration . He sagged . " Yes ? " Harold almost fell into the hallway when the door swung open . A young woman was looking at him , a phone in one hand and a sponge in the other . Her eyes narrowed to see a disheveled man in a blouse with sideburns falling down . He looked up at her . " What on earth are you doing here ? You , um , you died . You died in 1813 . A year ago . I mean , two hundred and two years ago . What ? What . " She rolled her eyes . " You 're such a man . My goodness . You think you 're the only person in the universe , the only person like you , and the rest of the humans are all just little ants or something , don 't you ? " She slapped him across the face . Gently . " Well , you couldn 't expect everyone to live like that forever , right ? I was quite fond of you , but my God , embroidery gets very boring . And I didn 't know you could time travel too . I 'd just gone on little trips before , ones that I could get away with . " " What ? " Harold scrunched up his face and opened his eyes wide . He was definitely awake . " You 're a , I mean , you time traveled ? " Cecilia sighed . " Yes , I did . And do . And I came here because I thought two hundred years would make a nice change . I looked up your last name , on a whim , and was very surprised when I found you . There can 't be that many Harold Edgartonvilles in the world , so I lied to a locksmith and got into your house . I 've been living here ever since . I didn 't expect you back , honestly . " Suddenly he was nervous . " I mean , because I liked you . Um , I loved you . And then you died ? But now you 're here . " She smiled . He had missed that dimple in her cheek , and the way she glanced down when she was happy about something . " So my parents said I 'd died , huh ? Of course they did . They probably assumed I 'd run away or something . Can 't have that . How weird . " " Cee , uh , what about me though ? You 're living in my house . I need to live here . And you could , you know , say something back about how I feel . How you feel . We 're not in the nineteenth century anymore . " He blinked and the world wrenched itself around his body . When his eyes opened again , he was in the countryside . In a field , far off , he could see a peasant girl bent to the ground . He was surrounded . He sighed . Cows again . So many cows . I shrugged . " There 's nothing to see . " I didn 't see anything . We were walking down the street . The sidewalk was gray . It was always gray , spotted and pitted and stained like it always was . The buildings were brick and concrete and steel just like usual . The men sitting on the steps hooted at us as we walked past , as they did every day . I didn 't see anything whatsoever out of the ordinary . She nodded . A smile puffed up her cheeks . She pulled my hand up and against her chest , hard . I heard a whistle , but as if it were far away . I saw . The air moved . The stumpy trees , crowded between street and sidewalk , breathed . The man eyeing us from the corner made a small noise in the back of his throat . I saw it . I reached up to my face , but it hadn 't changed . My eyes were the same , wide open and staring but no bigger . They felt hot , but my fingers felt no heat through my eyelids . Everything was vibrating , shimmering , wrapped in silver and ringing . I blinked , and watched the slow motion movement of my vision shrinking as the bodies in front of me shifted , like walking through sand , running through water , held in place by time and the gleaming shattering air all around them . When I opened my eyes again , she had dropped my hand . The world was normal again . The man on the corner was now looking at us with undisguised curiosity , his mouth twisted . Somebody 's dropped bottle of soda rolled across the sidewalk . She was looking at me , her eyes wide now , her lips tucked in . " I don 't know , " I said , closing my eyes tight for a moment . " Everything went funny for a second . What am I supposed to 've seen ? " I grabbed her hand again , and we started walking . My legs felt weak , shaking , as though I 'd just climbed the longest stairway . " No , " I said , not looking at her . " Come on , be real . There 's no such thing . " Sometimes I still see it out of the corner of my eyes . Once you see like that , I guess , it 's learned . You can 't really unsee . Your eyes already know the shapes and patterns , the light that fills everything . The shuddering of the shadows and the way the brightness shakes , presses , bursts . The contrasts are overwhelming . It gives me a headache . I can 't wish I 'd never seen . I just pretend that I didn 't , though . I press my fingers to my temples and take a breath and then go on as though nothing has happened at all . She looks at me oddly when that happens , when she notices . It happens more around her , I think . It makes it hard to be around her , but of course I do anyway . I can 't stop loving her just because I see magic when I 'm with her . She 's worth the pain in my head and that brief , disconcerting feeling that the world has shifted just an inch or so in between each shuttering of my eyelids . When she looks at the world , there is wonder written in the lines of her face . I understand why , I suppose , even though when I look at the world it 's ordinary at best . At worst , the beauty and the terror fleeting across my vision make me want to crouch down , eyes closed , head safely inside my arms and nothing before me . Either way , we keep going , together . There isn 't much else to do , is there ? Not for me , anyway . This is just how it always is . Her beauty , my pain . At the end of the day when we curl around each other , it 's night . The room is dark . The lights are off . We press our bodies together , skin to skin , touch over sight . Neither of us can see anything at all . On 145th Street , there 's a building full of rain . I don 't mean that it 's flooded or anything . It 's not like when you open the door , the jangly glass kind at the front of a store , there 's water that rushes out and pushes you across the sidewalk in its hurry . There 's only perhaps an inch of water on the floor . It must leak out somewhere , and you can see the stain as it bleeds into the pavement at your feet when you 're right outside . You don 't get hit with a wave when you open the door . You just hear it ; ppt ptt ppt ppt tpp prt . Thrumming against the concrete floor . I found the rain room by accident . I was trying to get away from a thunderstorm , if you can believe that . I was running down the street with my coat over my head and my slippery - wet hand in my girlfriend 's hand , our fingers jamming together . We were laughing like mad . It had just started raining , out of the blue . Really , the sky had looked clear as any day when all the sun wants to do is wrap you in light , but then the clouds had come . They just sort of showed up , uninvited , and then they spilled all over us . Mel and I stopped strolling when we felt the first few drops , and our steps quickened . Then , right away , the rain sped up too and it began beating down on us . We ducked under our jackets and sprinted . Thinking back on it , I 'm not sure why we were running . We were a bit far from anything , and we would 've gotten wet by the time we reached a subway or a bus anyway . We just ran , hands clinging and feet slapping sprays of water onto each other . We ducked into a building with a half - cracked door and took a breath of relief before we realized that we hadn 't stopped getting wet . Mel tipped her face right up to the ceiling and watched the drops fall toward her . I just watched her for a moment , too dumbfounded to talk . When I found my voice , I said , " Just our luck . The ceiling must be leaky . I bet this place is abandoned . Don 't do that , sweetie , the water 's probably all dirty . " In response , of course , she stuck out her tongue . She tasted the water that down the corners of her mouth . " Not out , " Mel smiled . She always was faster to catch on to things than I was . " It 's raining in here . Don 't you see ? " The ceiling was dropping water on us . Or at least I think it was the ceiling . I couldn 't really see any plaster or paint through the fog . Well , clouds , I suppose it was . The clouds covered the ceiling of the building and huddled in the corners in sulky gray masses . Mel smiled into the corners , the rain running down her face and twisting her hair into tendrils that streamed down her back . I started to laugh . She laughed too , until the both of us sank down and sat in the puddle that was the floor . We leaned against each other and laughed ourselves helpless at the escape we 'd found from the rain outside . At the sheer absurdity of the building that rained on the inside . We 'd had a fight earlier that day , another one about her work that was taking all her time from me . She always answered that by saying , rather cattily , that if I only found something to do then it wouldn 't be a problem . I 'd been sullen ever since , but now I laughed and when we paused to catch our breath I pulled her toward me . We kissed , sloppy and soaking , in the room that rained on us . I 'm not sure there was a moment before or since that I felt us breathe and beat together like that as the rain trembled to the floor around us . When we finally went home , we were so drenched with rain that a pool of water spread on our seats on the bus and poured itself down into the grooves on the floor . We were both shivering , still wracked with giggles , drawing stares from the three old ladies who were the only other people on the bus . We got home and took a long hot shower . We broke into laughter again the moment the water began to spray . Everything 's a little different now . With me , with Mel , everything . I think it can be better , though . I haven 't seen her in a week , but we 're going to meet up on 145th Street . I won 't bring an umbrella , just in case . Mr . Murray Mendels was having a difficult conversation with his father . It was difficult because it was entirely one - sided , and Murray wanted advice . He wasn 't getting any . He could feel the anger hot behind his eyes and tight in his clenched hands , but he tried to keep his frustration under control . Of course , showing that he was angry wouldn 't help a bit . Nothing would , really , but he kept talking anyway . He was very determined about it , and had been having one - sided conversations with his father for quite a long time . He had a lot of practice by now . He tried again . " Listen , Papa , I just want to know what you think I should do . I 'm at my wit 's end here , I really am , and there 's nothing I would love more than to hear your opinion . It 's about to get serious . " " Oh , for goodness 's sake , Papa , I know this is practically the same problem I 've had for ages , and it 's probably very dull to hear me talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about it . But all that talking isn 't getting me anywhere , and I 'm supposed to pay the rent last Saturday , and it 's a big problem ! Big ! I just don 't know . That woman at the shop , she must know that I 'm not going to do anything about it , but I should . I have to . If she just gave me some of what she owes me , I mean never mind that , if she just gave me the interest I 'm owed and I 'd have half my rent already , I mean really . " " But what should I do ? That 's the question . I mean , do I write her a letter ? A strongly worded one . Dear Madam , To Whom It May Concern , You have owed me seven hundred dollars for the last two years and I need some of it back now , please . If you don 't mind , you see it 's important , in that I 'm broke . Flat - out couldn 't - be - broker broke . The brokest of broke . I 'm not asking because I 'm impatient , really I 'm not , I wouldn 't even care , it 's just that I need to pay rent by a week ago and would you please . Oh , God almighty I 'm no good at strongly worded , this is the kind of thing you should help me with , Papa . You were always very good at getting people to listen to , your whole life . and I haven 't got that kind of facility with persuasion , I 'm more of a wheedle and plead kind of guy . Not very convincing unless you 've got some extra pity to use up and I 'm the closest one around . What should I say , how should I say it ? " " And you know that the landlord 's not going to give me much longer . So what am I going to do , get evicted out of this crappy place because I can 't talk to the pretty girl down the street ? I 'm a pushover , I really am , she asks me for hundreds of dollars as a quick loan , she 'll get it right back to me , aren 't I a dear . And then nothing ! Not for ages . Not a word to me , barely an acknowledgement . Maybe she 's embarrassed . No , that 's silly , because she smiles at me every time she sees me . " Murray stood up , pushing the chair back , where it hit his pile of cleanish laundry . " She knows exactly what she 's doing , the minx ! Oh for heaven 's sake . This is ridiculous . " " Come on , Papa , just tell me . What if I tell the landlord that she owes the money ? No , he would never buy that , not for a minute . It 's my responsibility . That 's what you always told me , you do what you gotta do , right ? This is what I gotta do . I have to march right in there and say - well , something . What ? " " This is the least helpful conversation I think I 've ever had . I 'm trying to talk myself into solving my own problems , for all the good you 're doing me . This is useless . You 're not telling me anything , I 'm going to have to figure it out for myself just like I did my whole life , same as always . I mean , I didn 't exactly expect you to be there for me . You 're not here , you know , and you never were there for me at all anyway . Even when you were alive , nothing . Why should I expect any different from you now ? " I 'm a teacher , student , writer , reader , and a couple other things . I live in New York . I think of writing like stories that get caught in my head . They sort of tickle until I can spin them out and pin them down . When I do , I put them here . I hope you like them - let me know . Voix de WilderI have a voice and it 's high time it 's heard . Talkalittledo - For Life Is FunnyReal Life . Real StoriesRANTS AND RAMBLESBecause sometimes , things just need to be said . Stroppy EditorMinding other people 's language . A lot . PostSecretTipsy Litthe publishing imprint of author ericka claysnobberyWill Write For Tuition MoneyThe ravings of a self - proclaimed starving - artistYinzercationYinzer Nation + Education = YinzercationA Confederacy of SpinstersSex , Dating , and Surviving Your TwentiesBorn To PootleBeing the adventures of Jonathan Laury , writer , weird - hunter , beard - wearer and one half of The Conversation Tree Podcast . @ BornToPootle @ TheConvoTreeThe AbandonedJust because you failed doesn 't make it the end , just the beginning . Daniel HaylesBook Hub , Inc . The Total Book ExperienceGrace and CandorSprinkles of Sunshine and Substancehear me outan outletMightier Than The PenMaking The World A Bitter PlacePechorin 's JournalA literary blogBroken CondomsA Mommy Blog for Those Who Never Wanted to Author / Read a Mommy BlogIntrovert Fairy TalesA quiet kind of Happily Ever After
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Emily had bought the shoes on sale , and was very pleased with herself about it even before she knew they were magic . When she tried them on at the store , nothing had happened . She 'd just noticed that they were a bit tight , but the kind that you knew would be fine once broken in , especially for 40 % off . So she 'd bought them and brought them home and the moment she put them on and twirled to show herself off in the mirror , her twirl had hurled her miles around the country . One half - spin and Emily was in Kansas , Wyoming , Minnesota , and then back home . Not that she knew where she was any of those times , of course , she 'd just flashed in and out of a few places and then ended up in Chicago again with her heart pounding against her ribs and her toes beginning to ache . She took the shoes off very carefully and examined them to make sure that no dirt or dust from the fields had clung to their shiny red surface , and then she put them on the carpet and stepped back in . Emily shuffled forward , just slightly , and inhaled water . She choked and kicked and coughed and spluttered , but her shoes weren 't touching ground so she stayed in the lake . Once she had caught her breath and kept her head above water for long enough to sight the shore , she swam to land where she could take a tiny step back to the city . From there it was an easy walk in socks back home , where she threw the shoes under the bed , took a long shower , and had some dinner . Seven leagues is approximately twenty - four miles . Emily ascertained , after a great deal of careful and methodical testing , that her new shoes only traveled about six and a half leagues . She thought the difference was likely due to the fact that they were not boots , and nobody ever heard of seven - league high - heeled pumps . She spent her weekends traveling now . She visited three cities in California during the month of February , when the Chicago air was so bitter cold that it hurt to breathe . If everything could be a day trip because it was only a few steps to get home , she found , you could save a lot on hotels . It was a little lonely , sometimes , to explore all on her own . She packed a neat little bag with necessities and an extra pair of shoes so that she could walk once she got where she was going , and she took pictures with her phone . In the photos , Emily is in front of a monument or a skyline or a really good food truck , but her smile is tentative , as if she 's not sure what to look at . One day , Emily put on an ordinary pair of flats and went to the store where she had bought the shoes , 40 % off . They were having another sale . She was idly contemplating a pair of wedges when the shoe salesman walked up to her . " Those won 't suit you , " he said . Emily raised her eyebrows at him , confused . " I mean , that is , you can 't get that far in heels like that . " He winked . " Oh , " she said , and smiled . " I see . Hi . I 'm Emily . Would you like to take a walk with me sometime ? " Yvonne left her heart , at last , under the willow tree in the park one night . The park closed at dusk , but she slid over the fence in the dark , pulse thrumming and the cold air stroking shivers across her skin . She had used to do this with someone else . They had helped one another over the fence , landing in one another 's arms . They had laughed as quietly as they could . Now she picked her way through the park alone , toward the tree where they had sat together , backs against the bark . She leaned against it and closed her eyes . For a moment , she could almost imagine skin against her skin , warmth against her warmth . Then it was gone , and she opened her eyes to see the empty park . The streets and cars winked from beyond the fence , but within the trees and grass were still and silent . Yvonne stood and bent down , splaying fingers out on the grass . The earth was soft , and she burrowed with one hand until she had made a dent in the ground . She placed her heart in the hollow at the willow 's roots , and then she left . The fence was easier to jump on the way out . She felt lighter . The glare of headlights and the glow of windows seemed distant and calm as she walked home . For a while , she could not even notice a difference in herself . She wondered absently how many people did just the same and wander through the world , heartless . Perhaps nobody could ever tell . The only thing that seemed to have changed was that she did not hurt , and she was glad of that . There was no ache that bloomed when she opened her eyes in the morning , and that she curled around when she fell asleep . She had no bad dreams . Her sleep was smooth and dark , and when she awoke she did not shudder with the memory of the night . She barely dreamed at all anymore . If anyone else could see that something had shifted in Yvonne , nobody told her so . Her work colleagues treated her with the same mild politeness . Her friends met her and chattered and teased just as they always had , and she was able to smile and tease back . Her life was a comfortable habit , and its touch did not chafe . It was even easier , now that she could follow those rote patterns . Some of it was interesting , some of the time . She observed herself living with detached curiosity . She did not remember what it had been like to live with her heart trembling inside her all the time . When she realized that she had forgotten , she thought she might revisit the park to see if anything had changed . And , after all , she wanted to check that her heart was still there . She didn 't want to carry it around , for it was heavy , but she didn 't want it nibbled by squirrels and buried somewhere unknown , either . That night she climbed over the fence and into the park , as she had done so many times before . The metal of the fence was cold on her skin and the darkness deepened as she walked , but she was not frightened . The elm tree twined up toward the sky in a familiar shape , and she nodded when she recognized it . There among its roots was the hole she had made , and her heart nestled inside just where she had left it . Old leaves and twigs had cluttered and crowded it , so she moved to brush them away . When she touched her heart , just for an instant , she could see all her ghosts ranged around her . They looked at her with solemn eyes , and she shivered . Her heart beat under her fingers . She closed her eyes against the dark , knowing that the ghosts were there . They moved forward , gathering , and Yvonne snatched her hand up . The pain ebbed and disappeared . The ghosts were gone from her eyes . She shook her head to clear it of cobwebs , and then she turned to leave . The ghosts were left there , watching her go , wishing for her to take back her heart and to bring them with her once more . They called , but she could not hear . They scrabbled at the leaves and could not move them . They tugged on her heart , but she could not feel . Before the bridge , Jesse had not thought much about the solidity of air . In his high school physics class , he had pictured it as a fluid that filled up the atmosphere , moving in and out of bodies and leaves and air conditioning units with ease . It didn 't get stuck and it was heavy enough that it didn 't reach the tops of mountains enough to puff up lungs all the way . When he found the bridge , he didn 't believe it was air at all that stretched out above the river . He 'd been exploring with his friend Nina one sticky hot afternoon in the summer . They walked out to the bridge , where cool floated up from the water and lightened the air amidst the suffocating heat , and they climbed over the fence . They laughed at each other and their shared bravado . Nina grabbed his hand and wound her fingers around his . The two friends sat on the concrete ledge , legs swinging over the emptiness , hands entwined , and watched the water . Their hearts slowed from their foolish gallop , and they leaned toward each other enough to feel the warmth between their bodies . After a while , Jesse stood up and walked with arms outstretched across the ledge . He wobbled a bit , exaggerating for Nina , and she shrieked and scolded him , laughing and breathy with fear . When he stopped , he reached a foot out over the edge as if about to step off and tapped it against the air . Nina called after him , but he paused and reached back and threaded his fingers through the wire of the fence . He stretched a cautious foot before him again and pressed it down against the air , which didn 't move out of the way . Nina stood , shaky , and walked over to her friend as he stepped off the bridge and into thin air . He didn 't fall . They stood there for a long silent minute , she on the concrete edge of the bridge and he standing a foot away from it on solid air . They gaped at each other . Jesse bounced up and down on the balls of his feet - " Don 't ! " Nina burst out when he moved - but the air held firm beneath him . He traced his toe against the air under him , trying to find its edges . It was a narrow outcropping from the bridge , but it extended out past where he was standing in a strip of solid air . When he reached the end on either side he swayed , and fumbled for Nina 's hand again . He shuffled back to the bridge and the friends walked home , shivering and quiet . The next week , Nina called Jesse . She had been doing research , she said . " There aren 't any stories about the bridge . I mean , like about it being haunted or anything . Which is kind of weird , because it 's super old and even if there weren 't anything strange about it , there should be a story or two by now about something that has lasted that long , you know , over a river , where people jump off and stuff . There are a bunch more suicides there than most places , though . " He went back without her the next time . She was afraid . Jesse didn 't let himself be afraid . He was excited instead . His heart drummed as he walked to the bridge , and he barely hesitated to step over the fence and off the ledge . He tested the air and found it there , supporting his feet . He followed the corridor of air for a few more feet away from the bridge , until he looked down and was dizzy at the water glittering so far below him . He backed up , slowly , and sat on the bridge again with his feet propped up on the air for a while before he left the river . The next week , Nina called him and he didn 't pick up . She took a long shuddering breath , listening to his voicemail message , and then hung up without speaking . She knows where he went , because when she climbed over the fence she saw the note he left her . It read , " N , went to see where it goes . I 'll be back . Love , J " She can 't follow him . When she stepped tentatively off the edge , the air wouldn 't take her weight . She fell back against the fence and wondered how far he had gotten . What he saw was so out of place that for a moment he questioned whether he had jumped through time . There somebody was , right in front of him , talking on a cellphone ! It was pressed to her face hard enough to leave lines on her face , if she ever peeled it off . He definitely was not in 1814 anymore . What was happening ? " Harold , " he said to himself , " Don 't be ridiculous . Take a breath . " He took a long , steadying breath . He blew out , lips pursed , and shook himself . Of course he had jumped through time . He couldn 't very well have stayed in 1814 forever . It was simply too difficult , tripping over ladies ' hoop skirts all day and having to worry about tuberculosis and such . Not to mention the cows . Centuries ago , there were entirely too many cows all over the place . And then there were horses , too . It was just not to be borne , and so Harold would be very glad to be back , once he got over the shock . It was always a jolt to his system every time that the time changed . The jump wasn 't a choice , exactly . Once , he had been able to control it . With just a squint of his eyes and a moment of concentration , he could skip back to the Jurassic Period and run from some dinosaurs until he got bored and decided to come back . He had done that , and some other epochs as well , until once in the early Middle Ages he had gotten stuck . He had lived among the filthiest people for a full year before he was able to pull himself back to the present . That seemed like a good time for a break , and several hot baths in a row . Eight of them , actually . Luckily , nothing bubonic had happened yet when he had been , or anything else that came back with him . It was , in a manner of speaking , a clean break . Eventually the skips had just started happening , dragging him along without his doing anything and certainly without his consent . There really is only so much time one person can spend in the past . Before too long , you get bogged down , held back , tied up , and entirely irritated . All in all , Harold was relieved to see a cell phone , though he 'd been in the nineteenth century for such a time that it took him a full ten minutes for figure out what had happened . " Well , I supposed I 'd better get out of these clothes , " he muttered , tugging at the cravat . Once he had untucked his blouse from his pants and disposed of the frock coat , he felt almost normal . At least when he traveled , he stayed in approximately the same place . This had been awkward for a while until he figured out that he 'd better make sure the heights matched . He 'd gotten quite good at doing research on past architecture and geology . This meant that he wasn 't far from home , now that he was back to his time . He could walk , and he did . When he got home , the door was locked . Nineteenth - century gentlemen don 't carry around twenty - first - century house keys , so of course he didn 't have one with him . There should have been one under the frog statue , but he couldn 't even find the frog . " Bloody hell , " he said to himself , and pounded on the door in frustration . He sagged . " Yes ? " Harold almost fell into the hallway when the door swung open . A young woman was looking at him , a phone in one hand and a sponge in the other . Her eyes narrowed to see a disheveled man in a blouse with sideburns falling down . He looked up at her . " What on earth are you doing here ? You , um , you died . You died in 1813 . A year ago . I mean , two hundred and two years ago . What ? What . " She rolled her eyes . " You 're such a man . My goodness . You think you 're the only person in the universe , the only person like you , and the rest of the humans are all just little ants or something , don 't you ? " She slapped him across the face . Gently . " Well , you couldn 't expect everyone to live like that forever , right ? I was quite fond of you , but my God , embroidery gets very boring . And I didn 't know you could time travel too . I 'd just gone on little trips before , ones that I could get away with . " " What ? " Harold scrunched up his face and opened his eyes wide . He was definitely awake . " You 're a , I mean , you time traveled ? " Cecilia sighed . " Yes , I did . And do . And I came here because I thought two hundred years would make a nice change . I looked up your last name , on a whim , and was very surprised when I found you . There can 't be that many Harold Edgartonvilles in the world , so I lied to a locksmith and got into your house . I 've been living here ever since . I didn 't expect you back , honestly . " Suddenly he was nervous . " I mean , because I liked you . Um , I loved you . And then you died ? But now you 're here . " She smiled . He had missed that dimple in her cheek , and the way she glanced down when she was happy about something . " So my parents said I 'd died , huh ? Of course they did . They probably assumed I 'd run away or something . Can 't have that . How weird . " " Cee , uh , what about me though ? You 're living in my house . I need to live here . And you could , you know , say something back about how I feel . How you feel . We 're not in the nineteenth century anymore . " He blinked and the world wrenched itself around his body . When his eyes opened again , he was in the countryside . In a field , far off , he could see a peasant girl bent to the ground . He was surrounded . He sighed . Cows again . So many cows . I shrugged . " There 's nothing to see . " I didn 't see anything . We were walking down the street . The sidewalk was gray . It was always gray , spotted and pitted and stained like it always was . The buildings were brick and concrete and steel just like usual . The men sitting on the steps hooted at us as we walked past , as they did every day . I didn 't see anything whatsoever out of the ordinary . She nodded . A smile puffed up her cheeks . She pulled my hand up and against her chest , hard . I heard a whistle , but as if it were far away . I saw . The air moved . The stumpy trees , crowded between street and sidewalk , breathed . The man eyeing us from the corner made a small noise in the back of his throat . I saw it . I reached up to my face , but it hadn 't changed . My eyes were the same , wide open and staring but no bigger . They felt hot , but my fingers felt no heat through my eyelids . Everything was vibrating , shimmering , wrapped in silver and ringing . I blinked , and watched the slow motion movement of my vision shrinking as the bodies in front of me shifted , like walking through sand , running through water , held in place by time and the gleaming shattering air all around them . When I opened my eyes again , she had dropped my hand . The world was normal again . The man on the corner was now looking at us with undisguised curiosity , his mouth twisted . Somebody 's dropped bottle of soda rolled across the sidewalk . She was looking at me , her eyes wide now , her lips tucked in . " I don 't know , " I said , closing my eyes tight for a moment . " Everything went funny for a second . What am I supposed to 've seen ? " I grabbed her hand again , and we started walking . My legs felt weak , shaking , as though I 'd just climbed the longest stairway . " No , " I said , not looking at her . " Come on , be real . There 's no such thing . " Sometimes I still see it out of the corner of my eyes . Once you see like that , I guess , it 's learned . You can 't really unsee . Your eyes already know the shapes and patterns , the light that fills everything . The shuddering of the shadows and the way the brightness shakes , presses , bursts . The contrasts are overwhelming . It gives me a headache . I can 't wish I 'd never seen . I just pretend that I didn 't , though . I press my fingers to my temples and take a breath and then go on as though nothing has happened at all . She looks at me oddly when that happens , when she notices . It happens more around her , I think . It makes it hard to be around her , but of course I do anyway . I can 't stop loving her just because I see magic when I 'm with her . She 's worth the pain in my head and that brief , disconcerting feeling that the world has shifted just an inch or so in between each shuttering of my eyelids . When she looks at the world , there is wonder written in the lines of her face . I understand why , I suppose , even though when I look at the world it 's ordinary at best . At worst , the beauty and the terror fleeting across my vision make me want to crouch down , eyes closed , head safely inside my arms and nothing before me . Either way , we keep going , together . There isn 't much else to do , is there ? Not for me , anyway . This is just how it always is . Her beauty , my pain . At the end of the day when we curl around each other , it 's night . The room is dark . The lights are off . We press our bodies together , skin to skin , touch over sight . Neither of us can see anything at all . On 145th Street , there 's a building full of rain . I don 't mean that it 's flooded or anything . It 's not like when you open the door , the jangly glass kind at the front of a store , there 's water that rushes out and pushes you across the sidewalk in its hurry . There 's only perhaps an inch of water on the floor . It must leak out somewhere , and you can see the stain as it bleeds into the pavement at your feet when you 're right outside . You don 't get hit with a wave when you open the door . You just hear it ; ppt ptt ppt ppt tpp prt . Thrumming against the concrete floor . I found the rain room by accident . I was trying to get away from a thunderstorm , if you can believe that . I was running down the street with my coat over my head and my slippery - wet hand in my girlfriend 's hand , our fingers jamming together . We were laughing like mad . It had just started raining , out of the blue . Really , the sky had looked clear as any day when all the sun wants to do is wrap you in light , but then the clouds had come . They just sort of showed up , uninvited , and then they spilled all over us . Mel and I stopped strolling when we felt the first few drops , and our steps quickened . Then , right away , the rain sped up too and it began beating down on us . We ducked under our jackets and sprinted . Thinking back on it , I 'm not sure why we were running . We were a bit far from anything , and we would 've gotten wet by the time we reached a subway or a bus anyway . We just ran , hands clinging and feet slapping sprays of water onto each other . We ducked into a building with a half - cracked door and took a breath of relief before we realized that we hadn 't stopped getting wet . Mel tipped her face right up to the ceiling and watched the drops fall toward her . I just watched her for a moment , too dumbfounded to talk . When I found my voice , I said , " Just our luck . The ceiling must be leaky . I bet this place is abandoned . Don 't do that , sweetie , the water 's probably all dirty . " In response , of course , she stuck out her tongue . She tasted the water that down the corners of her mouth . " Not out , " Mel smiled . She always was faster to catch on to things than I was . " It 's raining in here . Don 't you see ? " The ceiling was dropping water on us . Or at least I think it was the ceiling . I couldn 't really see any plaster or paint through the fog . Well , clouds , I suppose it was . The clouds covered the ceiling of the building and huddled in the corners in sulky gray masses . Mel smiled into the corners , the rain running down her face and twisting her hair into tendrils that streamed down her back . I started to laugh . She laughed too , until the both of us sank down and sat in the puddle that was the floor . We leaned against each other and laughed ourselves helpless at the escape we 'd found from the rain outside . At the sheer absurdity of the building that rained on the inside . We 'd had a fight earlier that day , another one about her work that was taking all her time from me . She always answered that by saying , rather cattily , that if I only found something to do then it wouldn 't be a problem . I 'd been sullen ever since , but now I laughed and when we paused to catch our breath I pulled her toward me . We kissed , sloppy and soaking , in the room that rained on us . I 'm not sure there was a moment before or since that I felt us breathe and beat together like that as the rain trembled to the floor around us . When we finally went home , we were so drenched with rain that a pool of water spread on our seats on the bus and poured itself down into the grooves on the floor . We were both shivering , still wracked with giggles , drawing stares from the three old ladies who were the only other people on the bus . We got home and took a long hot shower . We broke into laughter again the moment the water began to spray . Everything 's a little different now . With me , with Mel , everything . I think it can be better , though . I haven 't seen her in a week , but we 're going to meet up on 145th Street . I won 't bring an umbrella , just in case . Mr . Murray Mendels was having a difficult conversation with his father . It was difficult because it was entirely one - sided , and Murray wanted advice . He wasn 't getting any . He could feel the anger hot behind his eyes and tight in his clenched hands , but he tried to keep his frustration under control . Of course , showing that he was angry wouldn 't help a bit . Nothing would , really , but he kept talking anyway . He was very determined about it , and had been having one - sided conversations with his father for quite a long time . He had a lot of practice by now . He tried again . " Listen , Papa , I just want to know what you think I should do . I 'm at my wit 's end here , I really am , and there 's nothing I would love more than to hear your opinion . It 's about to get serious . " " Oh , for goodness 's sake , Papa , I know this is practically the same problem I 've had for ages , and it 's probably very dull to hear me talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about it . But all that talking isn 't getting me anywhere , and I 'm supposed to pay the rent last Saturday , and it 's a big problem ! Big ! I just don 't know . That woman at the shop , she must know that I 'm not going to do anything about it , but I should . I have to . If she just gave me some of what she owes me , I mean never mind that , if she just gave me the interest I 'm owed and I 'd have half my rent already , I mean really . " " But what should I do ? That 's the question . I mean , do I write her a letter ? A strongly worded one . Dear Madam , To Whom It May Concern , You have owed me seven hundred dollars for the last two years and I need some of it back now , please . If you don 't mind , you see it 's important , in that I 'm broke . Flat - out couldn 't - be - broker broke . The brokest of broke . I 'm not asking because I 'm impatient , really I 'm not , I wouldn 't even care , it 's just that I need to pay rent by a week ago and would you please . Oh , God almighty I 'm no good at strongly worded , this is the kind of thing you should help me with , Papa . You were always very good at getting people to listen to , your whole life . and I haven 't got that kind of facility with persuasion , I 'm more of a wheedle and plead kind of guy . Not very convincing unless you 've got some extra pity to use up and I 'm the closest one around . What should I say , how should I say it ? " " And you know that the landlord 's not going to give me much longer . So what am I going to do , get evicted out of this crappy place because I can 't talk to the pretty girl down the street ? I 'm a pushover , I really am , she asks me for hundreds of dollars as a quick loan , she 'll get it right back to me , aren 't I a dear . And then nothing ! Not for ages . Not a word to me , barely an acknowledgement . Maybe she 's embarrassed . No , that 's silly , because she smiles at me every time she sees me . " Murray stood up , pushing the chair back , where it hit his pile of cleanish laundry . " She knows exactly what she 's doing , the minx ! Oh for heaven 's sake . This is ridiculous . " " Come on , Papa , just tell me . What if I tell the landlord that she owes the money ? No , he would never buy that , not for a minute . It 's my responsibility . That 's what you always told me , you do what you gotta do , right ? This is what I gotta do . I have to march right in there and say - well , something . What ? " " This is the least helpful conversation I think I 've ever had . I 'm trying to talk myself into solving my own problems , for all the good you 're doing me . This is useless . You 're not telling me anything , I 'm going to have to figure it out for myself just like I did my whole life , same as always . I mean , I didn 't exactly expect you to be there for me . You 're not here , you know , and you never were there for me at all anyway . Even when you were alive , nothing . Why should I expect any different from you now ? " I 'm a teacher , student , writer , reader , and a couple other things . I live in New York . I think of writing like stories that get caught in my head . They sort of tickle until I can spin them out and pin them down . When I do , I put them here . I hope you like them - let me know . Voix de WilderI have a voice and it 's high time it 's heard . Talkalittledo - For Life Is FunnyReal Life . Real StoriesRANTS AND RAMBLESBecause sometimes , things just need to be said . Stroppy EditorMinding other people 's language . A lot . PostSecretTipsy Litthe publishing imprint of author ericka claysnobberyWill Write For Tuition MoneyThe ravings of a self - proclaimed starving - artistYinzercationYinzer Nation + Education = YinzercationA Confederacy of SpinstersSex , Dating , and Surviving Your TwentiesBorn To PootleBeing the adventures of Jonathan Laury , writer , weird - hunter , beard - wearer and one half of The Conversation Tree Podcast . @ BornToPootle @ TheConvoTreeThe AbandonedJust because you failed doesn 't make it the end , just the beginning . Daniel HaylesBook Hub , Inc . The Total Book ExperienceGrace and CandorSprinkles of Sunshine and Substancehear me outan outletMightier Than The PenMaking The World A Bitter PlacePechorin 's JournalA literary blogBroken CondomsA Mommy Blog for Those Who Never Wanted to Author / Read a Mommy BlogIntrovert Fairy TalesA quiet kind of Happily Ever After
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I said those words to Steve a while back . In my heart , I hoped he would disagree . I hoped that he 'd say that DD wasn 't without its challenges now , but we 'd figure it out . I hoped he 'd say that it was important enough that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make it work . When we talked about putting DD on the back burner a while back , I was on board for it . I figured between moving and figuring out how to work around three more people in the house , it was going to take us a little time to shape it to fit our lives . I didn 't imagine that putting it on the back burner was a prelude to it going away altogether . I 've really struggled with my emotions since that conversation . If it had stopped there , I probably could have moved on . But since the random swats , the occasional threats of a spanking and him getting after me over stuff continued , it made it hard . I mean was it still there or not ? Finally I hit my limit . I 'm an all or nothing kinda girl and being in limbo drives me up the wall , not to mention messes with my emotions . I told Steve he had to make a decision because I couldn 't take the uncertainty . If it was continuing , then we needed to come up with a plan to make it work despite the challenges . It we were stopping , then it was done . No threats . No bossing . No random swats . The only things I wanted to retain from DD was the closeness and improved communication . He said then it 's off the table until my sister and her kids move out . While he 's drove me up the wall at times , that was the closest in nearly eleven years together that I came to strangling him . He completely missed the point . It 's one thing to put it on the back burner temporarily while one of us is sick or even when we were in the middle of moving and just didn 't have the time or energy . It 's a whole another thing to put it on the back burner indefinitely . While my sister finally has a job , she doesn 't make near enough money to support herself and the kids . It 's unlikely she 'll be able to until she 's finished with her degree . She 'll be graduating with her associate 's next summer ( me too yay ! ) so it 's going to be months before they 're gone . I don 't see us going that long and then just picking it back up like we didn 't take all that time off . I think a big part of my frustration is that I can see us continuing DD despite having a houseful of people if only he would change how we do it . I wrote over a year ago about how an over - reliance on spanking had painted us into a corner and left us with no options when spanking wasn 't an option . After we had that talk , he tried some other options ( with success I might add ) such as corner - time , grounding , being sent to the bedroom , and extra chores . And of course there 's always the option of using silent implements or waiting to carry out a spanking since we do occasionally get the house to ourselves . Things kinda went downhill from there . The first week after our discussion , it seemed like he was doing what I asked and leaving the random swats , etc . in the past . By the second week , he was back to doing it . The more he did it , the madder I got . When he tried to pull the HoH card to get his way in something , it lit my fuse . It 's one thing for him to pull the HoH card when he 's fully embracing the role and caring about my needs . It 's a whole different thing to pull it just to get his way without caring about the rest . When you add in some of the frustration and stress that my sister being here has brought ( that 's a whole another post in itself ) , it wasn 't long before we started fighting . Now Steve and I have never really been fighters . We get a little snippy with each other once in a while , but full blown screaming matches are extremely rare . To have it happen more than once within a couple days was a sign that something was seriously wrong . So we sat down and talked again . I 'd like to say that fixed everything , but it didn 't really . We agreed that my sister is a big part of the problem ( both the lack of privacy and the frustration we 're both feeling over some other stuff due to her ) and he is trying harder not to push my buttons by bringing up DD - related stuff that we both know can 't happen right now . While things are better between us , it 's still not smooth sailing . For now , I 'm trying to remember that no journey is without its difficulties and working together to get through them will only make us stronger in the end . We are finally settling in to our new house . The moving process took a lot longer than we had anticipated . Murphy 's Law struck with a vengeance . Friends offered to help us with moving then failed to show up as promised . It was really frustrating , especially since one couple in particular we 've helped move twice in the last year . They 're talking about moving again and Steve and I have already decided that they 're on their own if they do . It rained most days , which severely limited what we could move . If it didn 't fit in the cars , we couldn 't move it . Then it was a mad rush to get the big stuff moved on the rare day it wasn 't raining . The hot water heater went on the fritz . It took a few days , but Steve was able to get it working without having to buy a brand new one . Then a malfunctioning toilet combined with a clogged pipe to flood the bathroom , which in turn dripped down and soaked a lot of the stuff we had stored in the basement . So we had to relocate a bunch of stuff to get to the mess , clean it all up and replace the toilet . A week later , it happened again , only much worse . We finally ended up having to hire a plumber because Steve wasn 't able to fix it . Paying for that visit pretty much wiped out Steve 's check for the week . Come to find out , not only was a pipe clogged , but there are roots growing into the septic . So we 're going to have to have him come back out to inspect the septic to see how much damage the roots have done and determine whether it can be repaired or needs to be replaced . Oh the joys of homeownership . And of course there were the illness and injuries . Skipping meals because we didn 't have time to eat , grabbing whatever we could eat on the run when we got too hungry to keep working and not getting enough sleep weakened our immune systems so both of us got sick . I wrenched my shoulder trying to catch myself when I nearly fell out of Steve 's truck . His truck sits high so it 's difficult for me to get in to begin with , but I was sore and tired after a long day of moving and lost my balance climbing in . Steve nearly broke a finger unloading furniture and I sliced my thumb open . If all that wasn 't enough stress , the landlord continued to be a pain in the ass to the bitter end . They texted early in the month to tell us they were back in town and ask how much longer we were going to be . Then they continued to text and call several times a day throughout the month asking if we were gone yet . Mind you , we were paid through the end of the month and actually had another month left on the lease if we needed more time . During our final week , they started making prank calls at all hours . On our last day , I went over while Steve was at work to grab a few last items and do a walk through to make sure we didn 't forget anything . They had apparently showed up after we left the night before and were camped out in the shed . I was a little nervous about being in the house with them in the backyard , especially since my daughter was with me , so I rounded up one of Steve 's friends to go with me . When Steve got off work , he went over to do a final walk through for anything I missed ( a good thing since I forgot some pet food that was in the garage ) and turn in the keys . I am so glad we no longer have to deal with those jerks . We 've blocked their numbers on our phones and if we see them out and about ( we still live in the same town ) , I plan on heading the other direction . Thankfully , our new house is on the opposite side of town so we will probably not be running into them very often . Despite all the stress , we managed to make it through the move without really fighting , which is something that we 've never been able to do on previous moves . We did have a few snippy moments , mainly towards the end of the move , but they blew over fast . While DD has been on the back burner for now until we got through the move and figure out how it 's going to work with more people in the house , I credit it with the difference . We still have a lot of work ahead of us . We have to build a fence to keep the kids and the dogs away from the road . We have to build a chicken coop . And we have to deal with unpacking all the boxes that are currently stacked in the house , carport and garage . Unfortunately , the majority of the unpacking will be falling on me since school is starting soon and both Steve and my sister will be working . I get to juggle the unpacking , dealing with all the kids and my own schoolwork . Thankfully , the older kids will be in school during the day so I 'll only have one at home with me during the day . I guess it will be a little while before life settles down , but at least I can be stressed in my own home , instead of one rented from jackasses like our last landlords . Despite all the chaos , we 're in love with the new house . I grew up out in the country so living in town was stifling for me . Now that we 're back out in the country , I feel like I can breathe again . Less traffic , only two neighbors ; it 's heaven to me . When things get crazy , I can go sit by the creek and let the sound of flowing water carry my stress away . It 's a little late to do a garden this year , but it 's definitely on the list for next year now that I have the space to do it . The kids are looking forward to the treehouse Steve is going to build them in the spring . Things have been hectic lately so I haven 't had much time to write or visit , although I have tried to at least read a few blogs here and there as time has allowed . If you missed my last post , we are now homeowners . Yay ! Our move to the new house was delayed because of a crappy electrician . He was supposed to be finished up before we closed , but didn 't get done until over a week after closing ( and we actually closed a week later than the original date because of scheduling conflicts ) . Since we didn 't have power until he got done , we were pretty much at a stand still . We spent the last week refinishing the floors ( a lot of work but they 're gorgeous ) , painting and getting the yard ready for all the critters . We still have a couple rooms to paint and will hopefully be able to start moving in furniture at the beginning of the week . Our goal was to be fully moved in before the end of the month so we could avoid paying another month in rent here , but I don 't know if it 's going to happen . That stupid electrician really screwed us . He had offered a partial refund for the delay , but when the check arrived , it was a slap in the face . To add insult to injury , we 've found a couple things that he was supposed to fix and didn 't . Rather than have to deal with him any more , we 're just going to fix it ourselves , but we are filing a complaint against him with the state electrician 's board . In other news , my sister and her kids are now living with us . She 's left her husband . Steve took a break from working on the new house and went to get all their stuff . She had planned to find a job right away , but since I 'll be watching her kids so she can work , we asked her to hold off until we got moved so I 'm not trying to juggle moving and watching three kids , one of which is still in diapers . By mutual consent . DD has been put on the back burner for now . We just don 't have time for anything right now , not to mention we 're now working around more kids and another adult . I have made some progress on respect , though . The other day , my father - in - law got in my face and was pretty hateful . Steve tried to intervene , but wasn 't successful at getting him to back off . Even though I was pretty sure he wasn 't going to interfere if I lost my temper , I stopped myself . While it would have felt great to let my father - in - law have it , I knew Steve would have to deal with the backlash from it . The last time I had words with my father - in - law , he griped at Steve about it for months . So out of respect for Steve , I just walked away without saying a single word . Of all the work I 've done on respect since we started , I think this was the hardest . Even if I had lost my temper , I pretty sure that Steve wouldn 't have faulted me for it . He was even ticked off about the whole situation . Posted by When you 've been on this journey nearly almost three years , you have a pretty good idea what to expect . Steve knows what to expect from me and I know what to expect from him . It 's very rare for him to throw me for a loop with something . If you 've been following here a while , you know laundry isn 't my strong suit . I tend to forget it halfway through the process or I put procrastinate on it until it 's piled up . What makes this issue even worse is the fact that the plumbing in the laundry room strictly limits the number of loads I can do each day . If I cross that limit , water backs up and floods the room ( as well as the garage ) . So it 's not a good idea to get behind because it takes forever to catch back up . This afternoon , Steve started getting on me about the laundry being piled up again . Since we will probably be moving within the next month ( fingers crossed ) , he 's been after me to stay on top of it . I have been working on it here and there , although admittedly not as much as I should have been . So when he called me on it , saying he didn 't see where I had done any at all , I tried to explain that I had done some . He didn 't seem to believe me , which made me mad . So I threw one of those danger words " Fine ! " and told him he could do it himself . Then I stomped off to another room . He said " Hey ! " as the door closed behind me , but I kept going . Sometimes that 's all it takes for me to catch myself and apologize , but this wasn 't one of those times . When several minutes went by without him coming after me , I figured I was in the clear . About fifteen minutes later , my phone dinged . I looked at it and found a text from Steve telling me to go to the bedroom . No TV . No phone . Not even a book . Just to go to the room and think about why I was there . I was still upset with him for not hearing me so I spent the first five or ten minutes grumbling to myself about it . I mean yes , he was right to fuss at me , but I have a right to be heard . Then the guilt set in . I asked Steve once why he rarely enforced the rule on respect . I wanted to know if it was because he didn 't see disrespect the same way as I did or if it was because he was so used to it that he no longer noticed . He didn 't want to answer at first , but I eventually got it out of him that it was because he was used to it . Ever since then , I 've tried very hard to show my respect for him . While I 've got a lot better about it since then , I still slip up occasionally and it really bothers me when I do . I 'd been in the room nearly twenty minutes when Steve finally came in . Before he could even say a word , I apologized . He lectured and I listened without a single interruption . I didn 't even complain when the lecture veered back over to the laundry again . Then , once he was done lecturing , I explained to him why I got upset and he apologized for not listening . Thinking about it now , I realize that sending me to the bedroom was a good move on Steve 's part . While I appreciate leniency at times , it sometimes backfires . If he lets something go several times in a row , I 'm more like to push it because I figure there 's a good chance I 'll get away with it . I 'm a gambler , remember ? In other cases , I get frustrated , which leads to pushing buttons , another bad idea . He recognized that with our daughter here , we didn 't have the privacy needed for a spanking . Rather than let it go , he looked for a more discreet way to handle things . He knew I was mad so he made sure I stayed in there long enough to get past the mad and start thinking straight again . And it worked . As of Friday , we are now under contract on the new house . I was so happy when the real estate agent called that I was literally dancing with joy all over the house , waiting on Steve to get off work so he could share in the celebration . I was still dancing around when he got home , right up to the point that he told me that the mortgage guy had called while he was driving home and there was good news and bad news . The good news is the lender is ready to go forward and can have us at closing in under 30 days . The interest rate is also decent . The bad news is that our payment is going to be higher than we had anticipated . After putting the number into our budget , I freaked . While we can make the payment and our other bills , we 'll be left with very little for gas , groceries and any other expenses that come up ( auto maintenance , birthdays , prescription co - pays , etc ) . We do have some savings that can bridge the gap for a little while , but that 's not a permanent fix because eventually that money will run out . Steve wants to go ahead . He thinks he can work an extra shift here or there and take on some side jobs to make up the difference . Without knowing for sure that we will have that extra money coming in , I 'm scared we 're getting in over our head . As we debated back and forth over the weekend , I realized that this wasn 't just a decision about a house . It was a decision about trust . When I wrote him that email that started us on this journey nearly three years ago , I told him that I trusted him . I trusted him to lead our marriage and our family . I trusted him to hear out my concerns , but make the decisions that were right for us and our family , even if I disagreed with him on them . Until now , my trust has never really been tested . Don 't get me wrong . We 've discussed various issues and he 's made the final decision on them , which wasn 't always necessarily what I wanted . But those were smaller issues . This is a huge decision . Steve left it in my hands by saying he won 't go forward unless I agree , which left me with a major decision to make . Will I continue to trust that he will make the right decision even if it 's hard for me ? Or will I yank back my consent for him to make decisions so I can trust in my fears rather than him ? As I 'm sure you can imagine , I didn 't get a lot of sleep over the weekend . I deal with insomnia on a regular basis to start with . When I 'm stressed or worried over things , it get a lot worse . I just can 't make my brain turn off so I can go to sleep . I end up laying in bed for hours before giving up on sleep and getting back up . About four yesterday morning , an idea flitted across my sleep - deprived brain . I trust Steve with my life . I trust him with my daughter 's life . In comparison , the decision of whether to trust his judgement on his house seems small . He still wants to go forward with it . To make me more comfortable , he did take the liberty of checking into the possibility of extra shifts with his old supervisor and the supervisor of another department that is chronically short - handed . Both said it would be no problem . In fact , one had him come in to work today . We also talked to the mortgage guy and he 's sending us a comparison of the loan with various points so we can decide if we want to pay more up front for a lower payment . * The final was for the math class that has had me pulling my hair out all semester . I made an 88 on it , which isn 't bad considering I took it on no sleep . I had to work my butt off all semester , but I made an A in the class . An A in all my classes in fact so my 4 . 0 remains intact . Now I 'm taking a well - deserved break from school for the summer so I can focus on moving and getting the new house set up . As you know , I 've been under a lot of stress lately . Another layer got added yesterday afternoon when I spoke to my mom . Both my middle sister and my dad are having major health issues . Prayers would be appreciated . I have been hinting to Steve since last week that I need him to step up and help me deal with some of this stress . I 've told him I 'm frazzled , that I 'm feeling off balance , that I 'm feeling overwhelmed , etc . When he 's jokingly said " Do you need a spanking ? " when I 'm being feisty , I 've told him yes . Yet somehow all those clues seemed to go right over his head . When I woke up this morning , I was a little annoyed to find that he wasn 't even here . I let it go , figuring I could take the opportunity to work on schoolwork . By the time he finally came home , we had an hour before our daughter would be home and I was in the middle of a test so I couldn 't stop what I was doing . By the time I got done with the test , we were down to around half an hour alone . I was annoyed , which is why I told him to forget it when he said we could take advantage of what time we had left . But he was persistent so I followed him to the bedroom and then stared across the bed at him until it finally clicked in his head what I 've been hinting at for a week and he urged me across his lap . He started slow with just his hand over my pants . Then a few minutes later , the pants came down . Eventually he moved on to the wooden turner , which although it 's stingy is more tolerable than the paddle . Whenever it would reach the level that I was struggling to take it , he 'd switch back to his hand for a bit . It was somewhat of a leisurely spanking with lots of talking and encouragement . With every swat , I could feel the tension melt away . When he finished , we were down to just a couple minutes before our daughter 's bus would arrive . Then he surprised me by bending me over the edge of the bed for a very quick quickie . Although it was fast , it hit all the right spots and the last of the tension slipped away . The last few weeks have been a bit hectic . When I sent my daughter off for the week , my plan was not only for time alone with Steve , but also time for me to be able to work uninterrupted on schoolwork . The semester is nearly at an end and I have a couple big projects to finish up , as well as studying for finals . Needless to say , her early return home put a kink in that plan . So I have been scrambling to get everything done in time while working around her . On top of all this is the house - hunting aspect . I never realized how much work goes into buying a house . There was a ton of paperwork for putting our offer in . Then the seller countered our offer so I spent nearly a whole day negotiating ( Steve was at work ) to find a number we could all live with . Then we had to redo the offer paperwork to reflect the number we finally settled at . Needless to say , I 'm struggling to stay on top of everything and stressed to the max . I was up late last night studying for the two finals I had to do today . I completely forgot about the dishes until I was on my way to bed . It 's a rule they have to be done before bed , but I was flat wore out . Normally Steve 's pretty lenient about letting them slide if I 'm busy and if I ask him first , but he was already asleep so I took a chance and left them . He noticed this morning , but let it go because he knows how busy I am right now . Today was crazy . I had two finals , a quiz , a discussion and a huge project that were due . I was ready to pull my hair out , but I managed to get it all done . Then I had to scan and upload some more paperwork for our mortgage application . Once again , I was wore flat out , which is probably why I made a critical mistake . Instead of asking Steve if it was okay for me to leave the dishes another night , I told him that I was leaving them . His response of " Do you want a spanking ? " made it clear that I had crossed the line . I did apologize , but not without receiving a warning that in the future I should be sure to ask , not dictate . So our week to ourselves didn 't turn out exactly like we had planned . For starters , our daughter unexpectedly got homesick so we had to go pick her up two days after I dropped her off . The two days she was gone Steve had to work . Once she was home a few days , she decided to spend the night at a friend 's house . Steve and I jumped at the opportunity to salvage at least a little bit of our week alone . But as it turns out , that didn 't work so well either . After I dropped her off , I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things we needed and somehow managed to pull something in my back while picking up a case of soda . So I spent the night doped up on pain pills . He had to go to work the next morning so that was the end of that . In other news , the settlement check for Steve 's accident finally arrived last week . We had found a house online that we liked and would be able to pay cash for so I set up an appointment to look at it in person . It turned out to have some major drawbacks ( bad location , skeevy looking neighbors , among other things ) so we ended up not buying it . Over the weekend , we submitted an application to get pre - approved for a mortgage . While my in - laws did offer to cosign for us , we didn 't like all the conditions their offer came with so we figured it was worth a shot to see if we could get one on our own . So we submitted the application , said a prayer and hoped for the best . On Monday , the mortgage guy called us . We are not only pre - approved at the amount we asked for in the application , but can actually go higher . He gave us the go ahead to start seriously looking at houses and put in an offer if we found one we liked . That evening , I sat down at the computer and went through all the listings in our price range . We ended up with a list of 20 houses . We 've spent the last two days driving all over looking at each one to see whether it was worth setting up an appointment for a tour . By the time we had drove by every one , we were down to just 2 houses . I called our real estate agent yesterday afternoon and set up an appointment for us to take tours . We looked at both houses this afternoon . Both were nice , but the second one was as close to perfect as we 're going to find . It 's in a great location and has nearly everything on our wish list . The one thing that it doesn 't have is something that was more of a want rather than a must - have . I feel bad saying this , but I 'm praying that the other people can 't sell their house in time . I want this house . Of all the houses we 've looked at , this is the only one that felt like somewhere I 'd like to put down roots and stay a while . I have a tendency to get worked up when life throws me a curveball . This can bring on a wide variety of emotions from anxiety to fear to anger and everything in between . Steve is my safe place so he usually is the one that gets to deal with these emotions . Sometimes this can be a problem , though , if I feel like he has some blame for the curveball . When that happens , I have a tendency to vent anger at him instead of to him . As I 'm sure you can imagine , that usually doesn 't go over well . Today was one of those curveball days . Since our daughter is out of school next week for Spring Break , she decided to go stay with my sister for a few days so she could hang out with her kids . Since my mom is going to have my other sister 's kids for at least part of that time , she 'll actually get to spend time with all her cousins on my side of the family , something that she usually only gets to do at Christmas . It ran great all the way there and nearly all the way back . I was almost to our exit when it started acting up . Since sometimes letting it sit for a few minutes will fix the issue , I pulled into the rest area . Halfway into the drive , it died on me . Thankfully the two cars that came flying in behind me saw me in time to stop . Otherwise I would have got hit . It took me close to five minutes to get it cranked again . The entire time I was praying not to get hit . When it finally caught , I took off with a squeal of tires , something I never do , but I was trying to move in a hurry before I did get hit . I managed to just make it to a parking spot before it died again . Then it wouldn 't crank . By this point , I was getting a bit steamed . I know he keeps his phone in his pocket on vibrate . I never text him while he 's at work unless it 's important . For me to send four texts in a matter of a few minutes was a clear sign that something was wrong . But he wasn 't answering . Granted , it wasn 't a dire emergency . I could have called someone to come get me or just walked three miles down the interstate to get to our house . But it made me mad . And the longer I sat there waiting for a response , the madder I got . It said " Don 't worry . I fixed it myself . " and I included a picture . Even though I was in a hurry to get home before the car acted up on me again , I had to stop at the grocery store for a couple things . While there was a chance I would get stranded again , the grocery store is literally right around the corner from our house so I chanced it , figuring I could walk home if it didn 't want to crank when I came out . . As I was walking around the store , it hit me . I could stay mad and let it carry over and ruin our time together while our daughter is gone . Or I could take it as a learning experience in letting go of anger from life 's curveballs . He did eventually text me back and followed it up with a call to make sure I made it home okay . Apparently , although his phone vibrates impressively when sitting on our headboard , it 's hard to feel the vibration when it 's in your pocket . He didn 't even realize I had texted until he went on his break and checked his phone . So I 'm glad I chose to let go of that anger . For the first time ever , Steve gave me a writing assignment as a punishment . Two pages on why I hadn 't done a particular chore ( for a few days ) . I guess he thought I must have an amazing excuse that would completely fill those two pages to explain why I hadn 't done it . I have a long history with procrastination . I even procrastinated while in the womb , not getting around to going through the whole birth process until nearly 3 weeks after I was due to arrive . My habit of procrastination is one of things that led me to propose we give DD a whirl . While DD has helped to some extent , I still have a long way to go . When Steve got his lunch break , he called to check in on my progress on my assignment . I told him I had worked on it for a while , but it could really be summed up in just two words . He asked what they were so I told him . Then he said he still wanted two pages . Grrr As you may recall , I 'm a college student right now so I have some experience in stretching a paper to fit an imposed limit . But stretching two words to two pages took some real work . I ended up writing a general paper about my habit of procrastination and how we might go about fixing it . In my day to day life , I tend to focus more on comfort rather than style . I do have this one dress that I bought last summer that is one of my favorites to wear . It 's brightly colored , which is unusual for me since I normally steer away from bold colors or patterns , but something about it makes my skin glow . I also love the way it 's cut , tight at the bodice and then flowing underneath . My very favorite outfit would be one that I 've worn only for Steve . It 's a floor length peekaboo gown . Well technically it 's ankle length , but I 'm short so it 's floor length on me . It has strategically placed stripes that hide the important parts , but shows enough skin to be interesting . I bought it for our honeymoon almost ten years ago . I will never forget the first time I wore it . We had rented a cabin for the weekend and I slipped into the bedroom to change while he was starting a fire . When he turned around and saw me in it , his jaw dropped . It 's one of the few times I 've ever saw him speechless . Nearly a decade later , it 's still working . As for what I would change the appearance of if I could , that 's a tough one . After some thought , I guess it would have to be the mushroom . I 'm not sure how I would make it look , but at least it wouldn 't look like a cock . As part of our getting back on track efforts , we did a clean slate spanking the other day . Since it had been a while since I had a really good spanking , Steve took it easy on me at first , even letting me keep my pants for half of it . However , I had miscalculated how upset he was over me hiding the implements instead of talking to him about how I was feeling . As a result , he decided to use every single one of them . Needless to say , it was one of those spankings that lingered . The spanking was in the afternoon before he left for work , but my buns were still putting off heat when I went to bed that night . And there were definitely some sore spots the next day . Given that I was still feeling the effects of that spanking , I tried to be especially careful at getting all my chores done . As soon as he got home , he asked if I 'd been good . I quickly ran through the list in my head and said I had . Our washing machine broke recently . When it did , it flooded the laundry room , soaking several baskets of clean laundry in the process . I was already behind on laundry . It was a week before the part for my washer came in so I am extremely behind now . The day Steve fixed the washer , he told me I was to do at least two loads a day until we were caught up again . I had done all the other chores on my list , but had forgot about the laundry . As you can imagine , he wasn 't pleased . I was curious about how he would choose to handle it . In our new and improved version of DD , he had three options - ( A ) spank right then , ( B ) give another punishment instead or ( C ) use another punishment for now but include the offense in our weekly settle up meeting . Since I was still sore from our clean slate , I was really hoping he 'd choose B or C . We tend to be slightly more to the kinky side . We started dabbling in a little BDSM early in our relationship . Of course the amount of kink we get into depends on the time and privacy we have . Recently it 's been more on the vanilla side . Most family and close friends know that we have a more traditional type of marriage , although we don 't share the nuts and bolts of how it works . Given that most people we know probably would not really understand , I 'm not interested in revealing any more than what they already know ( which is very little ) . We have discussed the possibility of meeting other couples with similar marriages . In fact , there are two or three couples that live somewhat near us ( within a 1 - 2 hour drive ) . I 'd also love to meet and hang out with some of the awesome people I 've met here in Blogland . What fantasy , that you and Steve share , do you think will happen and which one won 't ? This was a tough one because we 've already explored most of the fantasies we have to date . One fantasy we both have is a threesome . While we 're both turned on by the idea , it 's going to stay in the realm of fantasy since neither us truly want to invite another person into our bed . Our other unexplored fantasy is pretty out there so it 's unlikely to happen , although if the opportunity arose , we might go for it . We 've fantasized about cloning each other . Sex with Steve is amazing so two of him would probably be out of this world . Of course , there 's also the side benefit of being able to send his clone to work and my clone to do the housework , leaving us free to enjoy time together . There were actually two things that I noticed about Steve . One , that he has a sense of humor . It can be goofy at times , but he 's made me laugh many times over the years . Two , that he 's young at heart . He 's older than me by more than a few years , but I 've always had an old soul . He serves as a counterbalance for me , dragging me out and making me enjoy life . Pushing buttons comes to mind . While I know it 's not productive and is going to get me spanked , I still find myself falling into that trap . Laundry also gets me spanked a lot . It 's not that I deliberately set out to not do it ( unless I 'm pushing buttons of course ) , but I have a tendency to forget about it , usually about halfway through the process so I end up rewashing a lot . Nobody in our real life knows about the DD side of our marriage . Most do know that we have a more traditional type of marriage , but we don 't share the details because it 's unlikely they would understand . Posted by March is Q & A Month here in our community . So if you have any questions you 've just been waiting for the opportunity to ask , this is your chance . Ask your questions in the comments and we 'll answer them here on the blog in another post . To be honest , I have not read 50 Shades of Grey or saw the movie . However , I 've heard enough about both to have a general idea of what it 's all about . I am not an expert on BDSM and I didn 't stay at a Holiday Inn last night , but since DD is a form of power exchange relationship , I feel qualified to offer at least a little advice . So if you 've read the book or watched the movie and want to bring a little 50 Shades of kink into your relationship , here 's some tips . Don 't put down the book or walk out of the theater and expect to go right into it . Take some time and talk things out . Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you expect to happen . You can do serious injury to a partner if you don 't know what you 're doing . Even something as simple as tying up your partner requires some knowledge so you don 't cut off circulation . Spend some time learning about what you want to do . Read books and websites . Ask questions from more experienced BDSM practitioners on blogs and forums . If spanking is part of what you 're wanting to do , learn which areas are safe to strike and which should be avoided . No one wants a night of fun to end in the emergency room . Consent is the cornerstone of any power exchange . The minute you strike someone without their consent , it 's assault . Even if a partner has given consent in the past , it 's still a good idea to check in with them occasionally to make sure they 're still on board . As evidenced by the article I shared yesterday , being arrested and jailed is a very real possibility if you don 't take the time to make sure your partner consents . In the middle of play , it may be hard to tell if someone really means " no " or " stop " or if they 're just saying it for effect . A safe word eliminates the ambiguity . When it is used , it means to stop immediately . Pick a word that 's unlikely to be said by accident . If your partner uses it , stop right away . Don 't wait a minute . Don 't finish up whatever you 're doing . Just stop . Know Your Partner In the heat of the moment , a safe word may be forgotten or the submissive partner may not be in a headspace to even think about a safe word . Know your partner 's limits . Pay attention to signs that things may be getting too intense . If you 're in doubt , take a break to check in with your partner and make sure they want to keep going . It may be a turn on to fantasize about being tied up and spanked , but it can be very different in reality . On the submissive side , you may find that you don 't like the pain or the emotions the experience brings . On the dominant side , you may find that it bothers you to cause your partner pain . There is nothing wrong with those feelings . It 's not for everyone . Just chalk it up to experience and keep it in the realm of fantasy . I don 't generally watch the news because I find it depressing . I check the headlines online and only read the stories that interest me . This morning as I was lying in bed trying to get motivated to get up , the news came on . I was about to flip the channel when I heard 50 Shades mentioned so I kept it on to see what was going on . A University of Illinois at Chicago student was being charged with assault after trying to reenact a scene from the movie with a fellow female student . The two weren 't dating , but had been intimate in the past . Apparently , he took the girl to his dorm room , tied her up and gagged her before taking a belt to her . When she asked him to stop , he kept going to the point of raping her . When his roommate returned , she took advantage of his distraction to escape and seek help . Quick note : I wanted to thank you for all the prayers and crossed fingers . It worked . The weather held off long enough for us to meet for dinner on Valentine 's . It even stayed mild enough that Steve had no problems getting home when he got off work several hours later . As you know , we 've been a bit of limbo . We 've been focusing on rebuilding our connection to each other , but not doing much about DD , although we have talked here and there about it . While I knew we would eventually get back there , it still bothered me , which is probably why I found myself unable to sleep at 2 am the other night despite the fact that Steve was asleep beside me . I got up , figuring I 'd work on schoolwork until I got tired enough to sleep . But I was having trouble focusing on my work so I gave up and started browsing the internet . It wasn 't long until one link led me to another and then another and another until finally I landed on a DD blog . It 's strange how life comes full circle . The first time I came across the concept of DD , I was following links from one site to another and suddenly found myself on a blog about DD . Fast forward nearly three years later when we 're struggling with DD and the exact same thing has happened again . I 'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason . Sometimes it 's hard to see , but there 's a reason in there somewhere . So I took it as a sign and settled in to read . Two hours later , I had one of those aha moments , which in hindsight wasn 't really anything new , but something I had figured out a while back and promptly forgot about . When it comes to DD , we 're too dependent on spanking as a method of discipline . It doesn 't matter if it 's a big issue or a little one , if I 'm in trouble for something , I get spanked . The only difference is in the severity of the spanking . As I thought about this , I realized that in our many discussions about consistency since we started , Steve has often said the same things . Either he doesn 't feel comfortable spanking over what he saw as a small issue or that we don 't have the time / privacy to spank . I 've heard him every time he 's said it , but I don 't think it really sunk in until now . By opting to only use spanking , we basically painted ourselves into a corner . If it was a little issue not really bad enough to require a spanking or there were issues finding time or privacy to carry out a spanking , we didn 't have any other options . So nothing would happen and I would get frustrated over what I saw as his lack of consistency . That leads me to my next aha moment . All this time , I 've been seeing his lack of action as a lack of consistency . At some point along the way , my brain decided to make a leap from lack of consistency to lack of commitment . That 's where the real problems started . My feelings would be hurt because my head was telling me Steve wasn 't committed to us so I 'd start pulling away . Then anger would set in and I 'd start trying to irritate him . In my heart , I knew this wasn 't the right way to handle things , but I was too hurt and angry to pay attention to that . When he still failed to take action , my brain took that as evidence of his lack of commitment and my downward spiral picked up speed . If I had looked beyond consistency , I would have saw that I was wrong to doubt his commitment to me and to us . The signs of commitment were staring me right in the face . I was just too focused on consistency to see them . Now that all this had crystallized in my head , I knew I needed to tell Steve . My plan was to talk to him when we got up . Unfortunately , because I was up half the night with all of this , i didn 't get up until shortly before he had to leave for work . In the rush to get his stuff ready , there just wasn 't time to sit down for a talk . After he left for work , I debated about texting him or sending him an email , but this just seemed like too much ground to cover without being in the same room while we did it . So I stayed up until he came in . He did the usual chitchat and then I dove in . We talked for a long time . He spanked . We talked some more . We watched a little TV and then started talking again . I pulled up one of the posts I had come across the night before and we talked about it . He called a break to make love . Then we talked some more afterwards . All told , we talked off and on for nearly four hours . Somewhere along the way , we forgot that as we grow and change , DD needs to change with us . We 're not the same people that started this journey nearly three years ago . We 've outgrown our original version of DD we started with and it 's time to upgrade to a newer version . So now we 're going to give DD 2 . 0 a go and hopefully the next time we 're due for an upgrade , we can recognize it . We found out earlier in the week that Steve had to work today . Yuck ! Rather than get disappointed about it , we decided to get creative . Normally I pack a cooler for him to take to work for his evening meal , but tonight , my daughter and I are meeting him at a restaurant close to his work so we can all eat together . Since he only gets a thirty minute lunch break , we 'll get there a few minutes early to order so the food will be waiting when he arrives . It isn 't a perfect solution , but at least we 'll get to enjoy a meal together on Valentine 's . Of course that all depends on the weather cooperating . Shortly after he left for work , it started snowing . According to the forecast , it 's supposed to get continue until the early hours . I 'm praying that we 'll be able to have dinner and make it back home before the roads get bad . After my adventure in the snow a few years ago , I 'm a little leery of it , and Steve has already said he doesn 't want me chancing it if the roads are bad . I have spent nearly all day attempting to complete the assignments for my statistics class . I 'm still not done and it 's due by midnight . As I sit here waiting for my eyes to uncross , I thought I 'd share a few pics I found . As I mentioned before , Steve has been working nights , which means he sleeps during the day . If I haven 't got a lot of sleep , I 'll sometimes lay down with him , but most of the time I get up to get our daughter off to school and then stay up . It gives me time to take care of errands , household stuff and my schoolwork while the house is quiet . Yesterday was one of the days that I stayed up . I spent a little time on Facebook chatting with an old friend and then hit the books . By one , my eyes were crossing and I decided to take a break . Normally I 'll play a game or read when I need a break , but I was feeling uncharacteristically clingy so instead I crawled back in bed with Steve , curling up against his back . As soon as I threw my arm over him , he grabbed my hand and guided it lower beneath the blankets to a welcome surprise . After a few minutes , he told me to roll onto my other side . He snuggled up behind me , wrapping his arms around me and tweaking here and there . I was really liking the direction this was heading . Then he stopped . I swear the man fell asleep . He was even snoring . I wasn 't really sleepy , but I was happy where I was so I stayed put , figuring he 'd wake back up eventually . About fifteen minutes later , the snores stopped . He edged away a little and I felt his hand at the waistband of my pants . He pulled them down , which I was happy to assist with since I figured he was continuing what he started a little earlier . All kind of delicious thoughts filled my head . Then his hand landed on my left cheek with a crack that sounded like a rifle going off . Before I could even process the fact it had happened , more swats landed . Just when I thought I couldn 't take another one on that cheek , he switched to the other cheek . When I started squirming , he threw a leg across mine to pin them . When I reached back , he grabbed the hand . The whole time he lectured . While it was definitely stingy ( it always is when it 's been a while ) , it wasn 't really punishment . It was more like role affirmation or a reconnect . When it was over , I was breathless and he was half on top of me . We laid like that for a while and then he took advantage of the fact I was face down with my pants pulled down to continue what he had started earlier . And he did it in a way that made it clear he was fully in charge . I 'm trying hard not to build up expectations based on this one single act . Over the past several months , the few spankings I 've received have seemed perfunctory . That 's probably why they 've failed to have much of an impact . A temporarily sore bottom , sure , but they weren 't getting me to that wonderfully soft place I need to be at . This one was different . Whether it will continue remains to be seen . He did tell me that his work schedule is getting changed yet again . I 'm beginning to think someone in the company just gets bored from time to time and says " Hey let 's monkey around with the schedule . " He 's getting switched to a 3 - 11 shift . On the surface , it seems like a good change . Right now with him working all night , it 's messing with my sleep schedule because I have trouble sleeping without him in bed with me . With the new schedule , he 'll be able to be in bed with me at night . In theory , it will also give us some alone time . Since he 's been working nights , he 's been sleeping during the day and getting up shortly before our daughter gets home from school . If he 's able to sleep at night , he 'll be up about the time she leaves for school , which will give us several hours alone before he has to leave for work . Our daughter isn 't happy about the change because it will cut down on her time with him . She 's very much a Daddy 's girl . She already wasn 't happy with him working nights since he was asleep when she left in the morning and was only home for about an hour after she got home from school . With this new change , she might get to see him for a little bit in the mornings , but he 'll be gone when she gets home and she 'll be asleep by the time he gets home . For now , we 're still somewhat in limbo , but I think we 're starting to find a little equilibrium . I 'm trying to not look too far into the future . I 'm just taking it one day at a time . Posted by It had been about two weeks since I disappeared the implements . He hadn 't said a word . I had tried to be patient , figuring he just hadn 't opened that particular drawer yet . Finally I couldn 't take the uncertainty anymore so I conspired to make sure he opened that drawer . I didn 't brat my way into a spanking . I just accidentally on purpose put something he uses daily in the wrong drawer so he 'd have to go looking for it . Then I waited a day or two before casually asking if he had found it . Now this was the perfect opportunity for him to comment on what he hadn 't found when he opened that drawer . But he didn 't . He just said that he 'd found it ( the thing I purposely put in the wrong drawer ) in " the drawer where that other stuff used to be . " That was it . He didn 't ask where the implements had went and he didn 't ask if I needed to talk . He just went on with his day like the last two and half years just hadn 't existed . I was still simmering a few days later when he made a comment about something . I don 't even remember what it was . I just know that it wasn 't me that answered . It was Snappy . Before I could even digest my surprise , Snappy retorted that it would be a little difficult considering he didn 't have anything to do it with . Then she paused and threw in a question about whether he 'd noticed . Another beat and she threw the bomb . Did he even care ? That 's when it happened . I 've mentioned before that I have a tendency to bottle until it all comes flying out . That was tame compared to what happened . This time was more like a volcano erupting . It all came out . Not just my hurt and anger over the past couple weeks , but everything that had been building up for months . It probably didn 't help that I was hormonal and dealing with a major toothache . Once it started coming out , there was no stopping it . I cried . I yelled . I think I even cussed him out at one point . After it was all over , we sat down and talked . The next day I read him my last post and we talked some more . But we 're still not back to normal . It 's like we 're stuck in limbo at the moment . We both agree that we don 't want to go back to the way things were before DD . But until we can figure out how to adapt to where we 're at now , we can 't move forward . For the purposes of this blog , I 'm Dana and my husband is Steve . We 've married and have a child together . Like most couples , we 've had our problems . After coming to the realization that my procrastination and disrespect was a huge problem in our marriage , I started exploring options . I came across domestic discipline ( DD ) a while back , but it took a bit for me to work up my nerve to bring up the subject with my husband . To my surprise , he didn 't think I was crazy for bringing it up and now we 've begun a new stage in our relationship . I 'm working harder to be the wife I should have been all along and have given him the authority to redirect me if I get off the path we 've chosen together . I started this blog for a variety of reasons : to document our journey ( in case we want to look back ) , to connect with others with DD relationships ( because everyone around me is vanilla to the core ) and to help work out issues I 'm dealing with ( since writing things out helps ) . I welcome others ' input so feel free to comment or email ( danaandstevek @ gmail . com ) . Join us and other like - minded individuals in chat for some great conversation . ADDS ChatThe ADDS chatroom offers a Sunday morning community sit down discussion , a Monday night topic discussion and bi - weekly HoH and tih chats . D & L ChatThe Discipline & Love chatroom offers Sunday night topic discussions . Both chats are free and do not require registration to join the conversation . Both are open 24 / 7 so if you miss the scheduled chats , you can still stop in for general discussion at any time .
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R called E 's phone Friday morning trying to weasel out of visitation . I knew what he was up to . He wanted to go through the stuff his brother recently collected from my front yard and didn 't want the kids in his way . His voice resounded with agitation . That was familiar . I knew I was in trouble . When E called him back , R told him to put me on the phone . I didn 't like hearing his voice , especially not that tone . I was instantly nervous , dare I say panicked . I was triggered . Suddenly , I was even more overwhelmed than usual . I began to fret about the wood situation and how are we ever going to get wood in for next winter . I doubted my ability to clean six days straight while dealing with some very sick children . I worried about everything and was overcome by a spirit of fear . I wanted to sit down and scream , " I can 't do this ! " When we got there , it was all unloaded . Everything . All of the stuff from the cab of the truck , the bed of the truck , and the large cargo trailer . And , it was all sitting in the middle of the driveway for me to see . It was like a large sign , " Look what I took ! And , I see the terrible condition it 's in , and it 's all your fault , L ! " When I was nearly finished cleaning the rental job I texted E and asked if they were okay and did their dad want to keep them a half an hour longer . He texted back that they were fine , but Dad said I needed to come NOW . So , I hurriedly finished up , locked the house , and attempted to leave . My car wouldn 't start . Of all times ! I tried again . And , again . It sounded like it wanted to . It was trying . I pushed the pedal to the floor and after several seconds , which felt like minutes , she turned over . Even with all of that though , my total time from texting to leaving was less than fifteen minutes . Within five minutes I arrived at R 's mother 's . He was playing guns with J . In the driveway . Amongst the stuff . He knows I don 't like the kids playing guns . It doesn 't teach them a healthy respect for them , nor does it teach them any safety skills . It 's just stupid . So , he did it anyway or to spite me . And , they wove in and around what used to be my furniture as they did it . All I could do was sit and watch . As soon as I pulled in the drive , R turned and glanced my direction . But , he kept playing . I waited a good fifteen minutes before he stopped playing and went in to get the other kids - the other two , whom he had not engaged . I was afraid to turn my car off for fear it wouldn 't start again . God forbid it happen there ! So , I sat there in a panic , waiting for my empty tank to run out of gas . The kids told me later that they had gone through the stuff with him . He told them he 's just going to burn the furniture and that he thought we would be keeping it , that I would need it . And , he drilled E about whether I 'd replaced it ; he wanted to know what we have . He told E to look under the hood of the truck . He told him there should be a " bell " under there for the horn , but it was now gone . A bell ? Really ? [ eye roll ] E felt that his dad was insinuating that I 'd removed said bell in order to disable his horn . The horn NEVER worked on that truck , but the kids wouldn 't remember that . I had scheduled a small job for Saturday morning since he usually takes the kids from 9 to 1 . However , that morning he told me to pick them up by 12 . I didn 't tell him why ; I just said that it would be 12 : 30 . I felt rushed and panicked , knowing that I didn 't have five minutes to spare after cleaning before I had to pick up the kids . Tagsbeauty , just for fun I have a million excuses . The kids have all been sick . This week is the anniversary of my dad 's death . My work schedule is a disaster . I had planned on working out . I am having a hard time juggling work , home school , the house , social obligations , etc , etc . Whatever . The fact is , though I got up at 6 : 30 , I didn 't shower until noon . I was getting a lot of school done that morning with the kids . And , I got a ton of catch up stuff done , too . The checkbook was balanced . The dishes were done . Dinner was simmering on the back of the stove . Laundry was going . Heck , my bed was even made . So , I was fresh out of the shower when my decrepit old dog started going nuts around 1 o ' clock . I looked out the window . A FedEx van . Ooh , excitement on the hill ! The three younger kids sprang from their seats to plaster their faces against the front window , as though they 'd never seen a stranger . The dog 's dry hair bristled , standing straight on end . Her entire body jolted forward when she barked , and then she would stand still and growl a deep , menacing sound . The poor driver jumped from his truck and then froze . I went running outside like a mad woman , intent upon saving our intruder from the crazy old dog who appeared intent on biting him . He smiled a warm smile and seemed to be relieved that we weren 't just going to watch from the window as she ate him alive . My dog smells really , really bad . Like something dead pooped itself . I love her to pieces , but she looks like the crypt keeper 's dog . The kids joke that I 'm running a nursing home for animals because the dog is old . The cat is old . The chickens are so old they don 't even lay eggs anymore . The turtle is old . We got them all when the first batch of kids were younger and now we just tend them and love on them , repaying them for their loyal years of service . Even though they are blind , deaf , and a little crazy . So , the FedEx driver scratched her . Ooohh , nasty ! I won 't even do that , and she 's my dog ! I explained to him that she 'd been hit by a FedEx truck , so it was just the truck that set her off like that . He soothingly reassured her that it wasn 't him and he wouldn 't do that as he rubbed her dirty , sap crusted hair . I was simultaneously grossed out and impressed ! He then began to tell me animal stories from a time when he worked for his father . In a few short minutes I found out what kind of business his dad owned and his dad 's nickname and that this guy has a sense of humor and is nice . His hands were all over my dog , so , of course , I couldn 't help but notice that he didn 't have a wedding ring on . Hmmmmm ……… I hadn 't noticed until that moment that he was actually pretty cute , too . So , I shared a story of my own and chatted him up a bit . After a few more minutes we said our goodbyes , and I turned to walk back in the house , feeling a little light and maybe even a bit younger . My obnoxious 6 year old jumped up and down , trying to take the box out of my hands . He couldn 't stand not knowing what was in it . He hollered at the FedEx guy , intermittently telling him goodbye and asking him what he 'd brought . The kind FedEx dude smiled a big smile and warmly waved goodbye to my son and me as he pulled down the driveway , away from Deliverance . I stepped back in the house and set the box on the dining table . As I leaned over , something flopped forward a bit on top of my head . I raised my right hand slowly to my hair . It was my towel ! My green , high absorbency hair towel . Oh no ! I 'd gone outside like that ! I ran to the bathroom to survey the damage . It got worse ! I seldom take my make up off before bed or my shower . Instead , I do it right before I reapply the new coating . Bad habit , I know . Well , I was still wearing yesterday 's mascara . Except it hung in streaks down both cheeks . I couldn 't help but laugh ! This unsuspecting delivery man drove up the driveway to the middle of nowhere to be greeted by a scraggly , mean old dog and a bunch of home schooled kids gawking at him . He then stood and waited for the matron of the hillside shack to come out and chat him up with make up running down her face , thinking she was totally rockin ' the Turbie Towel ! I wonder if he laughed as hard as I did once he was safely out of view . Or , if his smile merely masked his fear ! LOLThe Concert 24 Jeff Sylvester of Steady On just finished an online concert on Stageit . It was a fundraiser for me . He gave his evening and his talent to help raise funds to " Give Me Wings " as the organizers put it . Jeff even paid for a ticket for me to attend . I sat and bawled . It was incredibly beautiful , just awe inspiring . He is an incredibly talented musician , and the worship was out of this world . I sang along with his final song , It Is Well With My Soul , and I swear I could hear other women 's voices singing along with me . My 6 year old son cried , too , and twice had to leave the room because he couldn 't handle the emotion . I had called the children to the computer . I said , " Look , he 's doing this for us . They are doing this for us . " The kids looked bewildered . I explained to them what Give Her Wings and Jeff wanted to do for us . J 's eyes well up as he asked , " Why is he doing this for us ? Does he know we 're poor ? How does he know we 're poor ? " Later , he said , " I can 't take this . I can 't believe he 's doing this for us . " I want to publicly thank everyone who organized this event and everyone who generously contributed . And , I want you all to know that even if you had not raised one penny , your love for us and your friendship has touched us and blessed us tremendously . To realize that there are people who care so much about our well being is absolutely , completely overwhelming and life changing . It alters our perception of our place in the world . I 'd only gone about 300 yards when I could feel the familiar burning on my lips . By the time I 'd driven the short mile to my brother 's house , my upper and lower lips were covered in cold sores . The stress of those words , " Sis , Dad 's gone , " had initiated an immediate herpetic outbreak . My brother stood in his driveway looking like he didn 't know what to do . My 13 year old niece , who found my dad in his little trailer , was crying . It was real . The clinic didn 't turn its phone on until 8 , the time I was supposed to be to work . So , I reluctantly drove in to tell them I wouldn 't be coming in that day . Young girls who typically gave me strange looks and seemed haughty , girls I knew didn 't like this older woman who couldn 't pick up on the job as quickly as they , were tender and sweet . They hugged me and assured me that they would tell the boss , encouraging me to just hurry back to my family . My brother also had to take his daughter back to her mother , so she could take her to school for the day . He only has visitation every other weekend and overnight on Wednesdays , so I couldn 't believe the shocking odds that she would just happen to be there the evening my dad died . And , find him the next morning . The sheriff finally arrived and did his inspection and paperwork . He leaned against his large white truck in silence as we all waited for the funeral home people to arrive . While we stood there in the thick fog , my brother tried to make small talk with the deputy , showing off his knowledge of engines and trucks . The deputy looked slightly disgusted by my brother 's self - impressed prater . I just cried quietly as I tried to warm myself against the big engine of my own truck . The sheriff , my brother , and then later the funeral home employees all asked if I wanted to go in and see my dad one last time . I couldn 't . I didn 't want to see him like that . Pale , cold , dead . I wanted to remember him as I 'd seen him four days earlier . He had been at my house for barbecued chicken and had paid his portion of the cell phone bill . He initially handed me the money . But , when my back was turned as I made up plates to send home with him , he 'd hidden the money on my desk , teasing me . He was jovial and spirited . He had been sick for so long ; the kids and I commented after he left that it felt like having Grandpa back . He had been himself that afternoon . My last visual memory of my daddy was as he turned to wave at me as he walked toward his truck . He was smiling his big smile , laughing as he spoke . I wanted to cling to that and absolutely did not want an image of what lie in that trailer to replace that sweet picture in my mind . The two of them sat at that long conference table at the funeral home , going through Dad 's wallet and laughing , mocking our dad 's idiosyncrasies . He clipped coupons and faithfully played the state lottery , so his wallet was full of tickets and coupons , along with pictures of his children and grandchildren . Those things that were such sweet reminders to me of who that man was were sources of laughter for my brothers . Then , the big question came . Were we planning burial or cremation ? My brother declared that we were going to cremate Daddy and scatter his ashes on my brother 's own locked and inaccessible mountain property on the other side of the county . He looked directly at me and stated that was what Dad wanted . He claimed they just recently discussed it , and Dad had changed his mind about being buried at the VA cemetery . Supposedly , Dad was disgusted by the cost of my mother 's funeral and didn 't want that kind of money spent on him . But , my mom wasn 't buried . She didn 't have a casket . She was cremated . My daughter did everything herself . She made the floral arrangements and the memorial cards , and she ordered the urn online where she 'd found a good deal . Besides , the VA was to bury our dad for free . What was he talking about ? I managed to stop sobbing long enough to utter out , " Dad . Wanted . To . Be . Buried . At . The . VA . It 's supposed . To be . Free . " I gasped as I spoke . My brother argued sternly , again looking directly at me , " Dad isn 't eligible for that . He and I just talked about this ! He changed his mind after mom died ! I knew this would be a problem with you ! " R began to once again attempt to display his immense knowledge , " Dad was in after the Korean War . He never actually saw any combat at all . He flew P2Vs …… . " He went on and on , rapid firing random numbers and letters that meant nothing to me , but I knew he was lying . Apparently so did the man in the suit . He look perturbed and turned his attention to me , " It 's easy enough to find out . I 'll give the VA a quick call and be right back . " In the end , my dad received his honors and his burial at the veterans ' cemetery , like HE HAD ALWAYS WANTED . My dad was proud of his service and his military record . He deserved that . And , as my 82 year old uncle said , my children deserved a place where they could go mourn the man who stood as their father figure . Young R 's counselor recently made an off hand comment about the kids ' father leaving them in July and then they lost " their real father figure " just a few months later . This was important . It had been important to my dad . And , it was important to his siblings , to me , and to my children . I wouldn 't have won that war without the help of that kind and wise police officer turned funeral planner . Six weeks later he helped with my aunt 's service . And , a few weeks after that he gave my children a book about grieving . I will be eternally grateful for that man , and I pray that God blesses him richly for standing in the gap for those who cannot find their own voice and for those who no longer have one . I 've had a couple of very dear friends turn on me . The friendships have been severed because , as one told me in January , my sadness and depression weren 't healthy . She felt she had all of the solutions to fix my broken life , and I suppose she thought that my grief caused me to forfeit my right to make decisions for myself . She angrily accused me of making my own decisions as though I was doing something unlawful or dangerous . That book with its large illustrations , that book written for children , declares to us that our sadness and depression are healthy . It 's okay to grieve , to experience the depths of that dark place . The funeral planner told me that we need to do that ; it 's critical to embrace the dark night of the soul . He said it is the healthiest thing to do . He warned me that if we didn 't , it will fester and come out in some extremely unhealthy ways later . So , we have mourned . And , we continue to mourn . We have mourned the life that we once knew . We have mourned the dreams that my ex would change , and we would live the life we longed for . We have mourned the possibility of my mother softening in her old age and being the grandmother to my children that her mother was to me . We have mourned my precious daddy , my children 's " real father figure . " We shouldn 't have had to fight for our right to bury my father where he wanted to be buried . We shouldn 't have had to fight for our right to honor him . We shouldn 't have had to fight for our right to be sad . I let my natural curls go wild instead of blow drying them straight every day . I refused to wear any of the flannel they had convinced me I loved . I quit riding my bike and gained fifteen pounds . I stayed up until the middle of the night and then tried to sleep later in the morning , instead of getting up before dawn . I let things go that normally would have been alphabetized , labeled , and put away . My patterns , my habits , and my tastes all became subject to experimentation . I didn 't want to be me . Not the me that I thought was only a by product of their manipulation and coercion . I longed to move into town and felt penned in , imprisoned , here on this mountain , and I idealized city living . I hated the dirt , the trees , the bugs . I hated being so far away from everything . I LOVE Pinterest . I mean , I think I 'm addicted . Like , I have a real problem . I can waste hours on it . My 4 year old daughter and I thoroughly enjoy sitting in front of the computer , looking at the pretty pictures , and dreaming of our someday home or the lavish garden we 'll one day grow . She 'll excitedly say , " Pintest that , Mama ! Pintest that ! " I 've really let myself go since R left . He was always so critical of my appearance that I suppose it was a combination of apathy and rebellion . I could eat ice cream for dinner , and no one was going to tell me I couldn 't . He 'd forbidden me to have dairy because he felt that I have too much of a problem with cellulite , and he argued that dairy makes that condition worse . So , I loaded up on cheeses of all varieties and ice cream and yogurt . He forced me to work out beyond my capabilities , including immediately following birth , to the point I tore ligaments , damaged my knee , and ended up with a small hernia . So now I refused work out at all . : p However , I recently saw some pictures on Pinterest that made me long to fix up . I actually felt a stirring , a desire , to put a little effort into my appearance . So , I texted my dear friend and then Facebooked her the pictures . ( She can 't figure out how to create a Pinterest account , and I couldn 't figure out how to text the pictures to her like she 'd asked . What a pair we are ! ) She can work magic with a bowl of chemicals and a pair of scissors though , and I knew she 'd be up for the challenge . She 's wanted to cut this mess for quite some time , but I had adamantly refused . I absolutely love it . It feels good to not have all that hair hanging in my face . My hair is lighter and brighter , and I feel lighter and brighter . Many of my Pinterest boards also have something to do with decorating or gardening . I have decided I do genuinely love the outdoors . That wasn 't just something that my family convinced me I enjoyed . Sure , it was expected . It was assumed I 'd wear flannel and love nothing more than sitting around a bon fire with a cheap beer , fascinated by the tall tales of the redneck men who thought they could out shoot each other . Honestly , I do like sitting by a bon fire . I don 't like the redneck guys and their lies . I don 't like their misogynistic talk . I don 't like beer at all . But , I like the fire . And , I love it as much as I love my new hair . I made it from my broken washing machine . I sit there with a cup of coffee , doing my Bible study , listening to the wind blow through the trees . I don 't really mind the dirt . I think I do love the mountain . My children can run and play outside with no worry of traffic . There 's nothing like how the sun peaks through the trees in the early morning , casting bright streaks across the hillside . It 's really pretty now that R 's stuff isn 't there to disrupt the view . There was a darkness that my abusers ' illusions cast over my life . But , I shadowed my own life with another kind of darkness . In running from who they told me I was , I ran from myself , too . I was trying too hard to be somebody else . Anybody else . Somebody who didn 't like the things they said I liked . Somebody who didn 't have the weird quirks they mocked me for having . Tagsabuse , divorce , health problems It is as though someone inserted a large ice pick at the base of my skull on the right side . It juts up and through my right eyeball . Whoever did this to me also lifted the muscles of my shoulders and mid back and tied them in knots as I slept . You can feel the large , raised balls all over my neck and back , and I fear that if I move wrong the tightened muscles will literally snap like a taunt guitar string . I was just marveling yesterday at how my pain levels have decreased tremendously since the divorce became final . In fact , even through illness and difficult cleaning jobs , I have remained pain free . Until today . Now I feel like screaming and dying . The pain is so intense I fear I 'll go insane . I cannot believe that I survived like this for years when R lived here . Day in and day out . I rarely slept . The demon clung tightly to my back every . single . day . digging his claws deeply into my neck . The first chiropractor I saw joked that my head wasn 't screwed on straight . He explained that the vertebrae in my neck were twisted completely around and snaked backward and forward from side to side . The next chiropractor was horrified and set up a plan to make my life livable once again . He has three days to come pick up his belongings that are taking up so much room in my yard and driveway . He has three days to pay me my share of that fraudulently obtained tax refund he received over a year ago . On Monday , a judgment and lien will be entered . On Monday , I 'm free to dispose of the junk that has encroached on my space for nearly two years . The junk that he spent $ 10 , 000 fighting for . The junk my attorney asked him to remove last summer , but whose letters he simply ignored . He took me to court twice , demanding these items I 'd already agreed he was welcome to have just as soon as he could get them out of here . I know the money will never come through . I 've known that all along . But , now I 'm faced with fixing the ' 72 Dodge pick up that doesn 't run , the one he HAD to have , in order to take all of the rest of the now rotted and water ruined junk of his to the dump . I 'd been elated at the idea of his brother simply backing up , loading it , and hauling it all away . It has served as a constant trigger for me . The first thing you see when you round the corner of my long driveway is his old , broken down pick up loaded with his personal belongings . It is an ever present reminder to me that he is still here , lingering , refusing to completely go away . Last night I dreamed that we were on the Parkway , heading home , when R passed us in that old Dodge . The bed was half loaded with his belongings . He had thrown the other half out into my yard for me to deal with . In my dream , the kids happily waved at Daddy , but he smugly turned away and literally drove off into the sunset toward the coast . ADDENDUM : THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY OUT HERE NOW TO HAUL OFF THE TRUCK AND ALL OF THE REST OF THE JUNK ! I HAVE TO TURN OVER THE RIFLE NOW . 😦 BUT , I WILL KEEP Y ' ALL POSTED ON HOW IT GOES ! TagsChristian love in action , friendship , health problems , praise It seems that several different viruses have woven their way through my little family . In and out , past one child and conquering the next . We have each suffered from our own unique set of symptoms , and then the symptoms instantly jump from one person to the next as the first one invaded takes on the illness of another family member . I had a sore throat and head cold . I 'm pretty sure D had chicken pox following her head cold and then she had a fever for an encore as everything else subsided . E and R both had head colds with coughs . R sucked on whole garlic cloves though and seemed to get better quickly . J had a slight cold but seemed to fair better than the rest of us . It has been going on for ten days now . I thought everyone was better this morning . Unfortunately , I got a text at work this afternoon that little J had spiked a fever when he woke up from his nap . Last Wednesday a sweet friend from church messaged me that she had dinner for us . What a welcome relief that was ! Household supplies were getting rather low with all of us being down for several days . She and her van full of children brought baked chicken with a smorgasbord of vegetables , wild rice , strawberries , and chocolate chip cookies . And , then , she threw in some orange juice and cheddar cheese for good measure . That poor chicken was ravaged as soon as I set him on the counter ! I don 't think the plate of chocolate chip cookies ever made it home . Fingers were wildly sneaking into that tray in the car . Another friend had picked up a smoked turkey for me from the local butcher shop , and we 'd picked that bird clean , too . His carcass just waited to be boiled down . By Thursday I was out of bed and dressed , so I showed E how to make homemade soup . The stock was rich and hearty , and I swear it tasted like healing . Yesterday morning at 6 : 30 I still couldn 't hear movement upstairs , so I hollered up at R that it was time to get ready for school . I could hear him stumbling , and it seemed to take him forever to come to the landing . The sight of him was frightening and comical at the same time . He looked like Bob the Tomato ! He was covered in welts . He was a horrid reddish purple color and was as puffy as the Michelin man . I became concerned though when I noticed him wince as he put his weight down on one foot and then the other . After R Sr . left I was able to get established with a local family practitioner . I 'd been told that it would cost $ 360 for a new patient exam , but the office offered a HUGE cash discount if the bill was paid at the time services were rendered . I sold some things and went , hoping that this doctor could determine some sort of concrete diagnosis for my frightening condition . After the exam , the office clerk told me that she couldn 't accept my payment . She stated there was something wrong in the system . I explained to her that I really needed that cash discount and asked if there was any way we could get around the problematic computer . She excused herself to privately speak directly to the doctor . When she came back , she had a strange look on her face . She leaned close toward me and whispered , " It will be $ 50 today . He is coding you as an established patient here on a brief visit . " So , yesterday I called our new saint of a family practitioner 's office and asked to speak to the medical assistant . She didn 't think R 's swelling was any cause for concern , but she did want to confer with the doctor . He wanted to see R , just whenever we could get there , though the sooner the better . We came in a couple of hours later , without an actual appointment , and got right in . After a very thorough exam it was determined that R was having a strange reaction to his recent virus . Some basic blood work was done , just in case . And , this morning , shortly after 8 , the doctor called me to let me know the results . They were negative , but , still , he called personally rather than assigning that mundane duty to his assistant . I took the well appearing younger three children to a friend 's house , and I headed off to clean houses for the day . Upon finishing the first house , I drove to the nearby park to eat the lunch that E had prepared for me and texted a quick , " I love you , " to the kids . Everything seemed fine . Several hours later , as I began my descent down the long driveway from my last house of the day , I quickly checked my phone . I had texts from E and my friend who was babysitting . J woke up with a fever , and it had been steadily climbing all afternoon . B laid J on her couch , covered him with a soft throw , and gently placed a cool cloth on his forehead . She lovingly hovered over him until I arrived at 5 . We see so much cruelty in our world . From the horrific , mind boggling violence that covered the news yesterday to the horrific , mind boggling violence that we 've experienced at the hands of those who are supposed to love and protect us . But , there is goodness , too . I don 't know . Maybe I 'm just exhausted and my brain is still fuzzy from the lack of oxygen due to my head cold . Maybe I 'm just feeling overly emotional because of the fatigue . He left me very ill with no provision and all of the bills . I have told you that . I found out later that he 'd been saving money in a secret , private bank account for years . He ran up a high phone bill in my name the two months after he left . I had to finally shut his phone off , though I was scared to death he would retaliate . I took the debt in the divorce settlement because I didn 't want him possessing that kind of control over my finances . I wasn 't willing to hand him that loaded gun to kill my credit and drag me through hell with the bank . You know that his wages were finally garnished for child support last summer . But , in that ten month period of time there have been two different episodes of missing payments for a month at a time . I 've shared with you that he cheated on his taxes for 2011 . He claimed himself as head of household , having the children . He got over $ 5000 back . He was ordered to pay me half of that return in spite of it being obtained fraudulently , but he 's never coughed up a dime of it . Part of the property he was awarded was purchased with those credit cards I 'm still paying . He called the kids tonight as is his weekly routine . I babysat my grandson today , and his mom and I were sitting chatting . She 'd come to pick him up shortly before R called . E took the phone in the other room , so his dad wouldn 't think that I purposefully had company or other distractions that caused the kids to not want to talk to him . I was impressed when he shared those thoughts with me later ; I thought that was pretty perceptive . Meanwhile , I simply enjoyed the last hour with my adorable grandson and didn 't think much about the phone call taking place in the next room . When the little two and I came in from saying goodbye , E put the phone on speaker so J and D could both talk at the same time . D refused . She stated repeatedly that she didn 't want to talk . R said , " Awwww …… you don 't ? Why not ? I thought you 'd want to talk to me ? Don 't you miss me ? I miss you ! " She stood her ground though . Every time he tried to manipulate or guilt her into talking , she got louder , " I don 't want to talk ! " J did his usual routine of begging his dad for a video game console . I fear he 's learning to play both ends against the middle . His dad has asked numerous times what J has been doing for fun , but J never tells him about dance class , swim lessons , Spanish lessons , park dates and play dates with home school friends , or our recent trip . He just goes on and on and on about video games . I see him trying to manipulate his dad into buying a game unit , and I 'm a little concerned about the type of character those ploys lend to . Following his manipulative disrespect for D 's boundaries , R began using blame in his conversation with J . " I can 't buy one right now . I will , just not right now . I have a lot of bills to pay . Most of those bills are to Mom . I have to pay Mom a lot of money to pay for stuff over there , so I don 't have the money to buy things for over here . " You have got to be kidding me ! That wasn 't even subtle . And , it certainly couldn 't be further from the truth . Why couldn 't he just say , " J , I 'm a selfish man , and I don 't want to spend that much money on you kids , on something that I 'm not interested in . All of life is all about me . You need to understand that . " That would have been the truth ! Instead , he lied and blamed me for his lack . He cannot buy the things the kids would like to have when they 're with him so that their visits can be enjoyable because of ME . I even wondered ……… . is he trying to insinuate that I should buy a game console for his house since I 'm getting all of his money ? ! These are the same games he played with me throughout our entire married life . The constant lies . Everything was my fault . Or , the kids ' . There was one season where he repeated that we " just have too many kids , " and that was why we were always broke . It wasn 't . The reason we were always broke was because he could spend money like there was no tomorrow and he had several addictions . Finally , in frustration , I asked him which children he wished we didn 't have , which ones threw us over the money pit edge . He responded with anger that I 'd twisted his words and was nothing more than a " contentious woman . " He blamed me , saying that if I were a " biblical wife " we wouldn 't have such problems . That 's precisely why I will not hold it against him or stew over this . R has handed his life over to wickedness , in order for it to perform its evil deeds . That 's just what it does . It doesn 't respect boundaries or honor truth or fulfill its obligations . It 's a lazy , lying thief . I taped a verse to my monitor immediately after R left in July 2011 . It is Isaiah 54 : 17 , No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper ; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn . This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord , and their righteousness is of me , saith the Lord . One day I will condemn R 's lying tongue that has risen against me . That is my heritage . It is the Lord 's promise to me . His weapons that he forms against me will not prosper . Oh , he 'll raise them . Scripture doesn 't say that the weapons won 't exist . It says they 'll be there and be formed for use against us . The promise is just that they won 't prosper . I trust that someday my children will know the truth . I trust that someday all of my children , including young R , will be restored to me . I trust that someday I will be vindicated , and R will see it . I trust that these wrongs will be made right ; therefore , I 'll rest in peace and go about my work with joy . I imagine that isn 't the case for R . I imagine he still lies awake , tossing and turning like he always did , as he plots and plans , angry that he didn 't get everything he wanted , angry that I got away . I worry that my children will grow up normalizing abuse and viewing manipulation as an acceptable means of obtaining your desires . However , I can also see that they are learning some important life lessons through all of this . My daughter , at only four , is learning to say no and draw firm boundaries . My sons are learning discernment . They 're learning that everyone isn 't honest and doesn 't really want to be friends . They are learning that there are some people out there who actually enjoy hurting others , and you need to be wary of them . Those are lessons I wish I 'd learned years ago . I wish I 'd understood my right to draw safe boundaries and not accept the false blame others placed on me . Had I been taught those important concepts , I may have avoided being R 's victim . Tagsabuse , divorce , family of origin , health problems , parenting , religion I had begged R to replace the ripped carpet in the living room . " It 's just a rental ! " he protested . " Yes , but one of the kids is going to get hurt , " I pleaded . A had frequently fallen , catching his toes in the torn carpet , while bringing in wood . His face had been bloodied countless times as he was unable to catch himself with his arms loaded . I was always worried I 'd fall with a baby in my arms , but R flatly refused . The landlord certainly didn 't see any problem with it and made it clear he had no intention of fixing it either . I stood in the sunbeam admiring 19 month old J while he played . The sunlight bounced off of his blonde head as he babbled to himself . I turned away for no more than a minute - no more than a minute - to grab something from the kitchen counter . But , I knew immediately what had happened when I heard the slamming sound of something hitting the wooden stair . I turned to see J squirming to free his foot from the torn carpeting , his face still planted firmly on the step . I grabbed for him and lifted him up . I couldn 't tell where the injury was because there was blood everywhere . Everywhere . Once the doctor finally came in , he questioned me harshly . I didn 't understand . My baby was bleeding everywhere . Why didn 't he just tend to him ? Why was he asking so many of the same questions over and over again ? Thus began a very long ordeal . The injury didn 't heal well . He developed a pyeloma that broke open and bled every time he tried to eat or talk . Two cauterizations were of no effect . He lost so much weight that our nurse practitioner scheduled him to see a specialist . He , in turn , scheduled J for surgery to remove the pyeloma . The baby couldn 't afford to lose anymore weight . The ENT doctor admitted there were no guarantees the pyeloma wouldn 't return even larger after surgery . So , I requested prayer from everyone I knew . I had up to twenty four hours before the scheduled surgery to cancel the procedure . Days passed , and nothing changed . He couldn 't eat . I couldn 't brush his teeth . His mouth just bled . And bled . And bled . Twenty - five hours before surgery we awoke , and it was gone ! There was nothing more than a lump on his lip where this large , friable bubble of bleeding tissue had protruded from his face ! Hallelujah ! He regained all of his lost weight and then some . However , not brushing his teeth for such an extended period of time took a toll on his dental health . At 2 1 / 2 he required two surgeries performed by a pediatric dentist in a nearby city . His teeth were horribly decayed , and two of his front teeth were damaged , broken off , from the impact of his fall . It 's been a long haul . He brushes carefully . He flosses his own teeth regularly . I still brush for him daily , just to be certain every surface is clean . He takes Bio - Dent supplements at bedtime . But , the damage is hard to reverse . After several more abscesses on his gum line , I took him back to the dentist again this week . This time a tooth will have to be pulled . The dentist fears damage to the adult tooth underneath . While the other children and I waited in the crowded office for the final determination , in she walked . You can hear her coming a mile away . Though she and R 's brother have never married , she fits in perfectly well with that family . Loud . Obnoxious . Inappropriate . R 's family had nothing to do with us for over thirteen years . His parents and siblings had not seen young R since he was two years old , and they had never met the younger three children . R 's dad died not knowing half of his grandchildren simply because I had birthed them . They felt very justified in extending their hatred for me toward my children . Supposedly they hated me because I 'm a Christian and I home school , because I try to live my life according to my faith . R 's dad had once said , with tremendous disgust , " It 's one thing to be a Christian . It 's another thing to be TOO Christian . " I think R had been carefully grooming their perception of me from day one as well . God only knows what he may have said about me to turn them against me before they ever got to know me . I seemed to never have had a chance with them . Neither did my children . They just weren 't interested in any of us . However , since R left , they 've claimed ownership . Suddenly , they are " Aunt " and " Uncle " and " Grandma . " There is an unseen bond that unites them all and makes them family . And , without ever spending any time with these children , they know them . Oh , just ask them , they KNOW these children so well . I hoped we could hide in the crowd . I hoped we could sneak out of the dentist 's office unseen . But , apparently , the more we tried to blend in with the potted plants and the art work , the more evident our presence became . She hollered - yes , hollered - from across the room . " E ? ! E ! ? Hey , L ! I thought that was you over there ! D won 't have anything to do with me ! How are you guys ? Hey , J ! How are you ? He 's the only one that will talk to me . The older boys are just so quiet . They don 't talk to anyone . And , D is just into her daddy . Boy , she loves her daddy . At Grandma 's house , she 's all , ' Daddy , this . And , Daddy , that . ' She is really into her daddy . Those older two boys are just so quiet though . J is friendly though , aren 't ya ? Do you remember me from Grandma 's house ? I 'm your dad 's sister - in - law . [ Funny , I thought in - laws were those related to you by THE LAW . If you 've never been LEGALLY married , how do you say that with a straight face ? ] Boy , I don 't know what to do about my cholesterol . I was telling R , am I just supposed to eat oatmeal and fruit the rest of my life ? Well , I guess I could lose some weight , but ……… what are you supposed to do ? Hey , D ! Hi , E ! Oh , come here , L ; I 've got to give you a hug . " She twitched and jerked ever so slightly , as former tweakers so commonly do . Young R can monologue all the way to town , a half hour trip for us . He 's been in public school three weeks and has already stayed after school with his friends , albeit without telling me of his plans . He takes his guitar to school a couple of times a week , once to play with one boy he just met and once to teach another new friend to play . His counselor describes him as " articulate . " E is very social and uses every opportunity to make friends and talk to people . In fact , I worry about him because he isn 't very judicious in his choices . He doesn 't care . If you 'll chat with him , he 'll be your friend for life . And , he 'll remember everything you tell him . It 's a running joke around here …… . . " Hey , E , remember the woman I was talking to on March 6 , 2009 ? She was wearing a red top because red is her favorite color ? It was her mother 's dog 's birthday ? " He LOVES people , and the details of their lives are important to him . When someone uses the word Grandma with my youngest two children , they don 't automatically think about the old woman at the house where they visit their dad . They just met her less than a year ago . J and D say that she is mean . They 've told me that she doesn 't talk to them or interact with them ; she just sits and watches dirty movies on the TV . D is really into her daddy ? The man she refers to by his first name , not Daddy ? The boys told me that on a recent visit R told D , " I 'm Daddy . Call me Daddy . " In her very sassy little manner , apparently she got in his face and said , " R ! " He backed down and responded , " You can call me that , too . " She refuses to spend the night with him . The last few times he 's called , she hasn 't wanted to talk to him on the phone either . He scared her the night he was mean to her and wasn 't going to let her come home . When he did that , she seemed to lose the affection she felt for him . She seems angry now , hateful even . This " sister - in - law " has seen the children on three brief separate occasions . That seems to have been enough though for her to get to know my children , understand them , and discern each one 's unique personality . And , then broadcast it for thirty strangers to hear . The kids and I walked out of the dentist 's office a little shell shocked . There is no way to respond . No way to correct their altered perceptions of who we are or why we do what we do and act the way we act . R 's family has us all figured out , and they 'll be the ones to tell us and the good folks of this town what we 're all about .
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G : Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart . There are no simple or quick solutions to dealing with death . Each one of us is unique and special as are our relationships and our responses to loss . Healing the Grieving Heart is about nourishing the heart and removing the blocks that slow the miracle of renewal . I know you may be struggling , sad , and confused , missing a special child in your life . You may be a bereaved sibling feeling unacknowledged , lost , and wondering how you fit in . You may be questioning your right to grieve when others tell you that you must be strong for your parents . Have faith . My guest today has been there , and she is here to tell you that she has made it and so can you . Remember that just getting out of bed , going to school , the office , or working in the home is an accomplishment . Today our topic is sibling loss , and I 'll be introducing Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn , Ted 's sister , and a very special guest . I myself am not a bereaved sibling . I 'm the youngest of four and have three living siblings so I understand the literature but I don 't consider myself an expert on the topic . However , I 'd like to start our show today with a letter from a bereaved sibling who is an expert on the topic . It 's my daughter , Heidi Horsley , and we have written a book together called Making the Best of the Worst , a Book of Hope for Surviving Teens . In the book , Heidi has written a special message to teens . When I was 20 , I was awakened in the middle of the night with the news that my 17 - year - old brother and cousin had been killed in a car accident . In an instant , my life was turned upside down . I couldn 't believe this was happening . My brother was a big part of my life and I assumed he always would be , but suddenly he was gone . That I was never going to talk to him again , see him smile , or hear him laugh was unbearable . I desperately hoped it was all a bad dream , but it wasn 't . People told me I needed to be strong for my parents . Because I didn 't want to cause them any more pain , I didn 't let them see me crying . Since I hid my grief , everyone thought I was fine , but I wasn 't . I was sad , angry , and lost . I also felt incredibly guilty that my two sisters and I were still alive while my only brother was dead . I felt as if nobody understood what I was going through or how much pain I was in . Those were dark days and I often wondered how I would get through them . No one could have told me that the pain softens over time . I wouldn 't have believed it . Nobody could have told me anything at that point in my life . I felt so alone . Surprisingly , though , as the months and years passed , I did start to feel better . I 've never gotten over Scott 's death or stopped wishing he were still alive , but I have learned to live without him , as I know he would have wanted me to do , and even though he 's not here for me , he 's still my brother and I 'll always hold a place in my heart . There is hope . You will laugh again , love again , and find happiness in your life . I 'm sure today , our guest , Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn , Ted 's sister and author of The Empty Room : Surviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister at Any Age , is going to be very enlightening for all of you bereaved siblings . Elizabeth does not only have the personal experience , but she is a real expert in dealing with siblings who have lost children , has interviewed 77 for her book . She also has a Masters Degree in Science Writing from Johns Hopkins University and a degree in Public Health from Columbia . She has written on science and health issues for both the Washington Post and Harpers Bazaar . She lives in New York City with her husband , writer , and author Paul Raeburn . Hi , Elizabeth , welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart . G : I really enjoyed reading your book , The Empty Room . I received so many insights from it for myself regarding the loss of a sibling . It was so interesting hearing about the story of your brother , Ted 's death and his life , and also hearing the voices of the 77 bereaved siblings that you interviewed . In fact , in reading your book , it gave me an opportunity to discuss my son 's death with my three daughters and it turns out , what came up was that my husband had also had a brother die at birth . It was never acknowledged by the family , so it was quite a discussion , and I 'm sure this show is going to be a great benefit to our listeners . It has already been to me . And I 'd like to start the program by having you share with our audience the story of Ted 's life and I just wanted to say , because so many people are familiar with this , that his story was combined with another boy 's story in 1976 for a made - for - T . V . - movie called The Boy in the Bubble starring John Travolta , and I understand he had aplastic anemia . You can talk more about this . But I would love to have you tell us about the events that led up to Ted 's going into the hospital and describe how he lived . You do such a good job of it in your book . Talk to us about how it is for siblings . E : Okay . Well , it started when I was 6 , my brother was 9 - 1 / 2 , and it started with some bruises that he just seemed to be acquiring . I don 't remember it exactly . Part of the story is gleaned from my mother , but she tells me that we were sitting at the dinner table one night and that she looked down at my brother 's leg . This is September and he could still wear shorts . And just commented well , will you look at that , he has more bruises . My father is an oncologist so he works with blood diseases all the time . E : Yes . He eventually became director of the National Cancer Institute , which is in Bethesda , Maryland . At that time he was head of a branch of oncology , but he was familiar with the bruises caused by blood diseases , which tend to be a lot bigger . I describe them in the book as like spilled pots of paint under the skin than what your garden variety bruises are . And he looked down at my brother 's legs and knew . He didn 't say anything at the time . He just said something like maybe I 'll just bring him into the hospital just to check him out . I think he brought him in after dinner and I guess by the next morning , they had a diagnosis , which was aplastic anemia . It 's a really rare disease . You 're more likely to be struck by lightening than to get this disease . And what happens is that the bone marrow , which is at the center of our bones and produces white blood cells and red blood cells and all the things that help us function and fight off infection has just stopped functioning . So it often is insidious and it encroaches on you and by the time people are diagnosed are often pretty far advanced . And that was the case with my brother , he had almost no immune system by the time he was diagnosed . And there was no treatment so the only thing they could do was just give him blood transfusions and platelet transfusions . E : There were some cases of people spontaneously recovering from the disease , so that was the hope . Barring that , they could give him transfusions and that 's what they tried to do at first just to keep him at home and do that . And then a week after his diagnosis , I guess , he woke up in the middle of the night with a fever and my parents panicked and brought him to the hospital and there was one other alternative which was a sterile bubble room that had just been invented a year or two earlier and they used it for cancer patients who had been getting big doses of chemotherapy and whose immune systems were temporarily knocked out . They would put them in there for a couple of weeks until they could rebound , and so they thought that was the only thing that they could do to keep him safe was to put him in this room for a little while until his immune system came back . E : Right . And it turned out be 8 - 1 / 2 years and he didn 't make it out . Our family life from then on revolved around the hospital . I got up in the morning and went to school and my father went to work and my mother went to the hospital and hung out with my brother and then at 3 : 00 she came home and we had dinner at the house and after that we went to the hospital . The bubble room took up half of a regular hospital room and it was divided in half by a plastic curtain and so we would be on the other side and that other side became our family room . We would sit there and read and watch T . V . and talk and listen to music and that just became normal life for 8 - 1 / 2 years . E : He was a huge character . He was an eccentric . He was the kind of kid , my mother used to say , he 'd go off to school and she 'd wait for him to come home and she 'd get worried because school would have been over for an hour or something like that and she 'd seen no sign of him . We only lived about a block and a half away from the school , and she 'd go to look for him and he 'd be stooped over at the side examining a bug or a stick or something . He just could get absorbed in his own world . He wasn 't a boy 's boy . The type who was out playing sports and sort of muscling around with other kids . He was introverted and artistic and thoughtful and creative . He wrote a play when he was 8 or 9 . He was very interested in expressing himself . Like I said , a bit eccentric in that sense which turned out to be a very good thing because to be isolated in a room like that , if he had lived for sports or something like that , I just don 't know how he would have managed . But because he was such a resourceful person and so creative , he actually managed to grow there in interesting ways . He became a really good writer , a really talented musician , got involved in CB radio and talked to people in the airways . He was just an interesting kid and he attracted a lot of people around the hospital who would first be curious about the situation and then they would get interested in him and so people just started to flock around and filter through his room . And it 's the same thing where astronauts and actresses and people like that who would be doing this nice thing to go visit this sick child and then they would get interested in him and start coming back because they so enjoyed his company . E : Oh , yeah . I 'm not sure how consciously I was aware of it or that it was perhaps not a great situation . But I 'm very aware looking back that I became the silent observer . I was , my mother said , the outgoing one . But I became very quiet . I watched . I describe myself as the prop person to my brother 's center - stage performance . And so it all revolved around my brother and I was sort of supporting that whole thing and it was also required of me basically in this kind of circumstance because he needed so much and his situation was so dire that I just sort of not express any needs , not get angry , not get upset . I just always had to be okay so that everything could be focused on making this enterprise that we had going in this room work . G : So , we need to come up on break now , but when we come back , I would like to talk a little bit about your brother , your relationship with him , and we ? ll talk about his death and how that was for you as a sibling to carry on . What happens when a child feels like the special one has died and they 're left . We 're coming on a break now and I 'm your host , Dr . Gloria . Please stay tuned to hear more about sibling loss with bereaved sibling , author and writer , Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn . Elizabeth , when we went to break , we were talking about the fact that you kind of became the quiet one and Ted was kind of the head actor here . He had an auto - immune disease . Is that why you called it an auto - immune disease ? E : Well , by the time he died when he was 17 - 1 / 2 , and I always include the half because as those of us who have lost people who died young know , six months is a very long time in a short life , he had just really blossomed into a really interesting guy . He couldn 't go to high school . He had tutors , but he was writing for the high school paper , and he would agonize over his writing and was very into his music and had gotten very disciplined about schoolwork , which has not always been the case in his life . And he really did not appear any sicker than he had . I didn 't know this at the time , but apparently if you get repeated blood transfusions over a long period of time , the iron can build up in your heart and damage your heart and enlarge it . And I think that 's what was gradually happening to him though no one was particularly aware when a crisis might come or if a crisis might come with that . So he seemed fine but his body was beginning to show the wear of all of these transfusions . So I was actually on an exchange trip to Scotland when he collapsed apparently while he was eating dinner one night and they didn 't tell me . I got back about a week later from the trip and a doctor met me at the airport . We took a flight to NIH and I got to see him . But it was really very sudden . So he went , from me , to seeming fine in the sense that I had known him for the majority of my life , he just lived behind this curtain , to suddenly being in a state of collapse and possibly dying . So it 's funny , people talk about well , if someone 's been sick and then they die , you 've at least had some preparation for it . And I think that was not so in my case , and I suspect it 's not so in the case of a lot of people who particularly were children because you 're not given the information . So for me it was extremely sudden despite this because I had lived with this state of normal for so long . G : That 's a very good point about how kids aren 't told and then it is sudden for them because working in a hospital , I found that you always have hope . They say with life , there 's hope . You hope that they 're going to make it . It is a surprise when they die . It is such a shock for everyone and maybe the adults do have a little bit more preparation that it may be a possibility . E : But , I have to say , to the extent that I agree with you , I think you always have hope no matter what someone is going through , so it is a shock . And I actually take umbrage when people say well , at least you had this time . Your daughter , Heidi , and I have talked about the fact that phrases that begin with the words " at least " should be banned . If you 're thinking of responding to someone who has had a loss or someone who has a chronic illness or something with the phrase " at least " and then saying something , stop and think twice before you say it because there are no " at leasts " in these situations . E : Yeah . Well , I 'll start with myself and then I 'll expand . At my brother 's funeral , I was standing by his open grave , as his casket is right there . The funeral is over and people are milling around and I 'm standing by myself dying inside just wanting to jump into the hole myself . I just cannot imagine life without my brother . He was my older brother . He showed me how to navigate the world . I didn 't know how to function without him . And this , I 'm sure very well - intentioned woman walked up to me and grabbed me by the arm and sort of leaned down and whispered , " you 're going to have to be very good because your parents are going through a lot . " It was a horrible moment because it made me feel so ashamed that since I had thought about myself for a moment , and she was teaching me as an adult how I should be feeling . My feelings were wrong . The thing that was horrible about it is that it was repeated over and over again in different contexts and different words but the message was that no one expected me to be affected by this loss and that it was really all about my parents and my role was to be fine for them , so I just learned to stifle all my feelings and freeze and go numb . When I started interviewing siblings , I have to say , that is the most common experience that I heard from people who were ranging from who had never known their siblings were born after them to people who were in their 50s , 60s and what not , that people just did not see that they had experienced a profound loss themselves and were very much in need of support , too , and that because it wasn 't acknowledged , they suppressed their loss and became a support system for everybody else and if it was in childhood , they supported their parents and then the way they supported them was by not talking about it and by being fine and not having it . If they were adults , then the way they dealt with it was to suppress their feelings and then take care of their parents and if the sibling was married or had children , to take care of those peoplG : And then they get what you were talking about , shielded space or closet space where they close it up . E : Right . They close it up and you almost don 't know it 's there . It 's interesting if you talk to people who lost as children , it gets so submerged , so compressed into this little nut in their psyche that they don 't even know it ? s there . You talk to them and I 'll be talking about the book or something and it 's like this thing happens , they go , oh , yeah , I lost a sibling . G : Yeah , the unresolved grief . Can you talk a little bit about the things that came up for you , like difficulty in school or things that might come up for people , drug or alcohol abuse , nightmares . I know you talked about all those . Could you tell our listeners a little about that ? E : I can go through a long list of things for me . Alcohol abuse and experimenting with drugs is common in adolescence but I think I was after them for a different reason . It wasn 't just rebellion . It was about numbing . So I was looking for that . I was skipping school . All the while my parents thought I was the perfect child because I couldn 't . It wasn 't even like an effective rebellion because those who are rebelling are demonstrating to their parents that they 're not doing what they would like but for me it was like I had to have the perfect exterior but meanwhile I was numbing myself and sort of destroying myself bit by bit with these things . Depression , numbness , a removal . I had a lot of psychosomatic stomach problems . In college later I became sort of eating disorder type things so I would say I was first experimenting with anorexia and then some bulimia and then some exercise stuff . E : Absolutely , and I think someone at the recent Compassionate Friends conference pointed out that someone might show up in therapy complaining they 're dealing with an eating disorder , they 're dealing with alcohol , or something like that , and how often therapists or people around this individual fail to think that what might be behind that . They treat it as an illness but they don 't see the things that might be triggering behind that so if your therapist . I encourage anyone to always take a history and when they do to ask specifically about sibling loss . G : However , one of the things I know Heidi has said that she went to therapy after Scott died . Now this therapist knew her brother had died and rather than start with that , he started with a family history , and she left . She never went back because she was in crisis at that moment over the event so it wasn 't a past event . I hear what you 're saying if you kind of covered it over and they need to take a history , but , on the other hand , if you have a recent event and they know it , you 'd better start there . Could you talk a little bit . Did you see yourself taking over any of Ted 's roles for the family ? E : Yeah , I think there was . My brother , I had let him be the smart one , the intellectual one , the brilliant one and all of that and I had to sort of coast along not drawing attention to myself and not even wanting to succeed too much because I didn 't want to overshadow him , so I just became more invisible and suddenly he died and whatever hopes my parents had attached to him went with it , but then they turned to me and I was suddenly supposed to be the center stage performer so I needed to be as funny as he was and as successful as he was and now the person who might have gone to medical school like my father was no longer there . They needed someone to succeed . They needed it to go well . They needed everything to fall into place and all the expectations and they all sort of focused on me because I was the only one left . And I struggled a lot with that and then again not consciously but sort of in a thrashing about way . I tried to do pre - med in college for awhile and I think had this not happened , that might have been a route I would have taken , but I was so overwhelmed by the idea of the pressure of it all and I was spending the rest of my life in a hospital as I had spent the earlier part of it that I just couldn 't deal with it . E : Right . It was just too much and too much unresolved and I just sort of opted out of it and became an English major which was actually fine for me because I loved that , too , but there was a sense of guilt about that and not doing that , and I think my father sort of had more of a need maybe to see me start ticking off accomplishments right when I graduated from college and that kind of thing and then the career path I was on as a writer was fairly serendipitous . You know , one thing leads to another . There 's not this sort of concrete plan . G : We need to go to break now , but after our break , I 'd like to talk to you about siblings . How they grapple with whether or not it 's their loss to claim . We were talking to Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn about her brother 's , Ted 's , death . Ted lived in , what would you call it , a germ - free environment ? E : Yes . I did a lot of volunteer work I guess starting shortly after his death . I did an internship there when I was in high school and then I worked there a summer after college working in the labs basically . G : And I was thinking about that . Was that a way for the medical community to hold you and help you ? And the staff , a way for them to stay close to Ted or help your family ? I was wondering how you would look at that ? E : I don 't know what it was from their side . I think partly it was that we had known these people for 8 and a half years and they were family . I remember seeing them all the time so it may have been a sense to me that I wanted to stay connected . And that this was the environment I knew . I knew that environment much better than I knew normal environment . I was comfortable there in an odd sort of way . I 'm still strangely comfortable in hospitals . E : It 's fine . I find it sort of an interesting facet of myself . It 's come in handy at times when I 've had to go in for myself or friends who have had crises and they need someone solid to be with them and they call me and I can go and hang out there with them and sort of exude a little bit of calm that they can hang on to . So in that sense , it 's been a good thing . But otherwise , I don 't think of it necessarily as good or bad , it just is a piece of myself that it 's a remnant of that experience . G : Because I 'm sure a lot of our other sibling listeners will have had the same experience as you spending a lot of time with siblings in and out of the hospital . So I wondered could you talk about siblings grappling with their loss to claim ? I think that ? s so interesting . E : This came about because as I was writing one chapter of my book and I told what happened to my brother and sort of my parents and all that kind of thing . And then as I tried to sit down and write my own story , I couldn 't write it . I had total writer 's block , could not start a sentence with the word " I " and finish it , and I realized that on some profound level despite all the work and research I had done and yes , it happened to me too , that I didn 't really believe it . But it was my story to claim . It wasn 't mine . And it was really only in doing more interviews with other people and in prompting them to claim the story by telling it to me that I was able to even begin to broach this , and I realized that this simple act of telling the story and saying it happened to me is such a profound thing , it 's overcoming this block of what we 've been told all along that it 's not ours . And you can 't mourn unless you claim the story . Telling the story became a huge step in healing so for me to actually actively write it and for other people to tell me became a much more important event than any of us realized , I think . E : I think you think you know the story and you walk around with it but there is something specific to you looking at how it happened . You picking the significant event . You putting orders in them and making sense of them that makes you inhabit your story differently . So I think just the act of doing that is an active way of claiming a story that just walking around knowing that your brother died is not . I think that is a beginning process toward bringing yourself to acknowledging that this happened to you and that it 's yours to mourn and then allows you to follow that path . G : In your book , a woman named Laura tried to get information from her aging mother and finally realized that she 'd have to deal with this sibling death relationship on her own because all the other family members had died and her mother would not give her that information and so she had to do it on her own . It was interesting to me how you talked to her and how she was able to do that . Do you have any suggestions for people who can 't get information on their sibling 's death or the story ? E : Well , in her case , she had nothing because she had only been one and a half when her sister died . Her sister was hit by a car in front of their home and she had no memory of it . And that 's a commonly overlooked area . People who weren 't old enough to remember a sibling who died absolutely experience a loss but she had nothing to sort of root it in only a picture or two . So what she did was sort of construct through other people in her life who she thought her sister would have been . And through a sister - in - law who was very important to her and that kind of thing and found that that was enough for her . For other people , there might be things they hadn 't looked for . I ultimately was able to get my parents to talk . G : Tell us about your story . It is so interesting . Your parents would not talk . First of all , you didn 't want to talk about it , right . Or the whole family was frozen , let 's put it that way . E : I don 't remember a specific trigger . I just remember feeling like I needed to do this and I needed to know . It also became clear as I was working on the book how much information I lacked . I was 6 when my brother got sick and 14 when he died and I 'd just been given so little information that I was still describing his disease in the terms in which had been described to me when I was 6 . So I first started actually by reading my brother 's medical records which my father offered to me , I think in lieu of telling me . G : You pursued them , though . You pursued your parents . He didn 't suddenly offer them . I love the story about wasn 't it Thanksgiving ? Was it Thanksgiving dinner where your mother jumped up from the table and started picking the dishes up ? That was quite a story . E : We were sitting at Thanksgiving and there was another couple there and they innocently asked me how the book was going . My parents were very proud that I got a book contract but they really didn 't want to know anything about the book and we never talk about my brother , certainly not as a threesome . Occasionally , he would come up with my mother , but always the same sort of safe stories . So I never got any new information and so I was telling these people that I was having a difficult time because I had lost memory because I had so frozen and suppressed it and because I had been young and that it was difficult . And my father said , well , you know , I have all these records on microfiche . I don 't know why I have them , but I got them and they 're there if you want to read them . And he says there might be something useful in there like nurse 's notes and that kind of thing and my mother just got furious and leapt up from the table and you know , what do the nurses know , and that kind of thing . I just think it was telling a story that had not been told and we all each had our own grip on our own piece of this and it was maybe threatening to her to feel like I was ruffling , had worked in its own weird way for 20 years . G : As a nurse and having worked in a hospital , I was very curious as to whether she might have been a little bit angry with your dad just in terms of the medical community and the whole situation because whoever thought what happened would happen ? This story is not a story of a boy being taken to the hospital and being put in a bubble for 8 and a half years . That 's not the story . The story is the story of hope that we 'll find something . E : I don 't know if she was angry at the nurses or at my father 's medical community . It certainly was difficult for my father . I can 't imagine what she might think and she hasn 't told me . I can imagine for my father and he 's intimated this that it was extremely difficult to be an accomplished oncologist who had cured a lot of other people of disease but wasn 't able to save his own son . E : I needed it to write it so ultimately what happened was that I got to the last chapter of the book and I said , and I just knew that the last chapter had to be them speaking , at least I had to ask them because there had never been any speaking about my brother and if they said , no , I won 't talk to you about it , well , that would be a statement in the last chapter about the nature of what happens to families with this kind of loss , and if they did speak , then it would be a gesture of hope and it would be interesting and who knew what might happen and my father agreed readily and we spoke . It was cute . We talked in a restaurant and toward the end of it , I was winding it up and he said well , do you have any more questions , this isn 't so bad . My mother at first said no and then she sort of agreed and it got put off a lot and finally I called her and said I need to interview over the phone now because I have to finish this . E : I could tell she felt a little bit cornered but then she agreed and I learned stuff that I 'd never known about my brother . It was amazing . And I have to say it was not that it 's been repeated since then , but it was a huge step and now my brother 's name is not mentioned often but it does come up and it comes up in conjunction with stories that I haven 't heard before . So it did loosen something . G : Right , of course . And your perseverance was , as I said , amazing . I 'm just so impressed about how you took a hold of your story and claimed it for yourself and persevered . G : It 's really wonderful . Were there other family members that were able to chime in ? We need to take another break right now , so after the break let 's talk more about this topic . Please stay tuned for more on sibling loss with Dr . Gloria and Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn , Ted 's sister , and author of The Empty Room : Surviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister at Any Age . Elizabeth and I were just discussing during break about the Compassionate Friends ' conference and I just wanted to share with you what we were saying is the fact that it was kind of an amazing thing . Elizabeth , do you want to say what you thought about being a sibling and being there at the conference ? E : I was just stunned that other siblings had the experience of being able to be around other siblings who shared that loss . I had felt so alone when I went through it and just made me imagine what it would have been like to know that others had gone through this and that there were commonalities . It would have made a huge difference in the way that I think I was able to process that loss in my life . So I was sorry it was not available to me at the time . But it was neat to see it now . G : Elizabeth , I wanted to ask you , and after this , I 'll see if there is anything you want to tell us before we end this show . I also wanted to ask you , it seems like therapy might have been part of what moved you to decide to do more about Ted 's life and reviewing it , and getting information from your parents . I wondered if you had any thoughts on if you did get a therapist , how you would find them , and what you would need , and that kind of thing . Do you have any thoughts on that ? G : I like what you just said . A fabulous fit and it was okay . And to our listeners , you do need to find that fit . You do need to find somebody who can sit with bereaved people . E : Right . And not try and hurry you along . I have talked to people who had bad experiences with therapists who didn 't get the loss or told them they should be over it . Most people are pretty quick to see that as a sign to move on and find another therapist . G : And don 't be afraid to do it because it doesn 't work . It 's like hiring anyone else . Also , I wanted to ask you , would you recommend that people keep their medical records ? Would you know how to go about it or would you have any thoughts about that since you 've worked in a hospital ? Medical records for siblings . E : I don 't know , actually , because my brother 's were just handed to me . I 'm not sure how one would go about it . I was going to offer a few further suggestions as far as people trying to find the information about what happened because those who lost in childhood , the most common thing I heard from them as adults was to this day , I don 't know what happened . So , you have to know what happened . So medical records if you can get a hold of them , newspaper accounts , and also other relatives or friends who were around at the time who may have felt that they were imposing or would have been to push their stories on them , but have a lot of memories of what happened and might be able to help . I 'm actually just now discovering some of those people who have read the book who have come forward and told me things that I never knew . G : You wouldn 't have to write a book . You could be telling the people you 're doing a memoir if you 're a writer for a family history . And writing is certainly a way to inquire . E : But , honestly , a lot of these people if you just called them up and say I never understood what happened , I need to know , can you help me ? My parents won 't talk about it or can 't talk about it or they 're no longer with us , or whatever . But you may even find nurses and doctors who were there at the time . G : And , as I said , you 're a wonderful example of pursuing your parents and letting them know that you 're not doing it to blame . You 're doing it because you need the information . I think that 's the key thing . I need the information . E : Yeah , which was difficult especially at 14 . That 's when you 're trying to get away from your parents . My mother had a , I don 't want to use the words death grip , but she had a pretty strong grip on me at that point . E : She was afraid and she needed another child to invest herself in . She had spent almost every waking minute focused on my brother and suddenly he was gone . Her whole raison detre had disappeared . E : Not necessarily . I 've talked to people who have had other siblings but they lost the person who was their best friend . You just can 't replace that . All siblings have different relationships with one another . Then some people become closer to other siblings and then that 's a blessing for them . But other people , not only don 't get closer to other siblings , but end up more estranged . So I think it really varies . There 's a wanting that you will get closer to other siblings but I don 't think that always transpires much to many people 's disappointment . G : One of the lovely things with Compassionate Friends is , I think , their sibling program and these teens are together . I noticed a few of them were the surviving sibling and getting together and talking about it was very , paling around with these kids was great , and emailing them , and connecting back and forth . So you mentioned also Grace Christ 's book , Healing Children 's Grief , a Sloan - Kettering study , and one of the things for hope for our families , I think you mention it in terms of the fact that you don 't mentally . It 's how you respond has something to do with developmentally . But Grace does say from her study that 85 % of families return to the pre - death functioning , that was after the death of a father . So families do go on in some ways . What about grandparents , do you have any thoughts about them ? Or cousins or anybody who can help or any comments about them regarding sibling loss ? E : All those people are going through their unique loss as well and they should be acknowledged not to just put them again on a step beyond siblings . I don 't like this hierarchy of grief . I think everyone has a unique experience of the loss so there 's that . But if there are other friends , family members , who are wondering how they can support the sibling , I think one thing is to support the parents because they 're having a hard time functioning and helping them to acknowledge that they can 't do everything for the other children . That they 're not able to parent right then fully and that 's okay and then step in and be supportive for the other siblings whether it 's just hanging out with them and letting them know that they see them . Letting them know that they know their experience is unique and they can 't understand it . If they want to talk about it , they 're happy to listen . So I think that can make a big difference . The fact is , parents are just , grief is such an overwhelming experience for each individual and so for someone to be intimate to that and then expect it to be a fully present parent for other children who are needy I think is just above and beyond . You can 't do it . So the thing is that people around these people need to step in and help these families . G : I also think that we need to think in terms of mother and father or stepfather or whatever rather than parents as a unit because they are up and down and grieving differently . There are a huge number of expectations on everyone . The kids have to go back to school . Everything has to happen . Well , it 's time for us to close our show , and before I close , Elizabeth , I wanted to say how impressed I am with your courage and your journey in healing . It 's really wonderful , and I hope everyone will pick up this book and tell other people about it because it is a wonderful journey . And I 'd also like to thank your parents , Dr . and Mrs . Devita , for giving other parents the message that it 's never too late to tell their story and they did . It was through your perseverance that they did , and that 's a wonderful example to people . If you 've held your story or if your siblings who want to know , get the book and take Elizabeth 's example of do it because it 's really a wonderful thing . You 're a real voice of hope for all of those bereaved siblings who seek information and understanding . I really appreciate your being on the show today . G : So my guest today has been Elizabeth Devita - Raeburn and my guest next week is going to be Dr . Richard Dew . Our topic is going to be surviving the death of a child by homicide . In July of 1992 , Dr . Dew 's son , Brad , was murdered . Dr . Dew will share his experience with the criminal justice system and give messages of hope , healing and forgiveness . If you want to hear our show today with Elizabeth , it 's archived on www . Health . VoiceAmerica . com as well as on www . thecompassionatefriends . org website . This is Dr . Gloria . Please stay tune again next week Thursday at 9 : 00 a . m . Pacific Time , 12 : 00 Eastern , for more of Healing the Grieving Heart , a show of hope and renewal and support . Remember , others have been there before you and made it . You can , too , and you need not walk alone . Thanks for listening . I 'm Dr . Gloria . Elizabeth DeVita - Raeburn is the author of The Empty Room : Surviving Sibling Loss , a memoir and journalistic exploration of sibling loss . Her brother , Ted , suffered from a rare immune deficiency disorder and spent 8 years in an isolation room behind a plastic curtain before he died . He was one of two boys upon whom the movie " The Boy in the Plastic Bubble " was based . She is a contributing writer for More magazine , and has also written for Self , Discover , Psychology Today and Harper 's Bazaar , among other publications . Elizabeth is currently working on a new book , The Death of Cancer , with her father , Dr . Vincent T . DeVita . She lives in New York City with her husband , writer Paul Raeburn , and her son , Henry . To learn more about Elizabeth and her work go to : www . devitaraeburn . com or visit her blog : www . tedishere . blogspot . com Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Prove that you are a human ! Hospice Van Nuys says : January 13 , 2010 at 4 : 29 am Good advice . We often advise our students to take a step back and understand what they are getting into . This article reinforces that concept with some practical advice . Desiree Addison says : June 9 , 2012 at 6 : 44 pm I lost my big brother / bestfriend on 1 - 1 - 12 , I am ashamed to admit it but I coped for the first 6 months by drinking every chance that I could so i could be numb to the realization that he was no longer here with me . Losing him has turned my world upside down in so many ways and I don 't know how to move forward without feeling guilty for living and being happy because he is no longer here . For the longest I wasn 't able to grieve because I had to be strong for my mother and my brother 's small children but here I am 6 months out from his passing I have stopped drinking in the attempt to face my hurt and loss and it is very hard emotionally , I close my eyes and the last image I have of my brother is at the hospital on the bed laying there cold and stiff , I begged him to wake up and come back . My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces because when I lost him I lost the one person who supported me in everything I did and always believed in me , protected me , and helped me become the woman I am , part of me is so angry with God for taking him home when he was needed here more the other part of me is mad at him for leaving me , the part that hurts the most is that our last words to one another were mean , I never got to tell him sorry or that I loved him and appreciated him and I will never get that chance now . I know that I need help but I don 't know how to ask for it . jill alexander says : June 12 , 2012 at 10 : 29 am My name is Jill Alexander , i lost my brother 5 / 27 / 12 . . he was 55yrs old . My brother was a strong man , even through his many illnesses . I made a promise to him that i would stand by his side no matter what , and i did through the grace of God . That day he died he was in the hospital , and as i walked through the door i all ways yellled out HEY ! ! He always replied back HEY GIRL , , , that day i brought him a snack of 6 donut holes … we laughed / talked , and watched the car races , his favorite . As the day pass i told him i would see him the next day , and he remind e to bring his favorite chocolate , i smiled and said okay . We would always told each other I LOVE YOU , and that day was no different . When i got that call later that evening to come back to the hospital , i knew that was the end . . He died @ 7 : 48pm on 5 / 27 / 12 , , , I 'm sooo glad we formed a special relationship , and he knew i loved him to the end .
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Author SeaPosted on September 14 , 2016October 28 , 2016Categories StoriesTags 1st grade , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Audio file , Fairy Tales , Fairytale , Folk - Lore , folktales , kids , Kindergarten , Maoriland , StoryLeave a comment on The Six Brothers Simple Winter Puppet Show Puppet shows can be as simple or as complicated as you 'd like . If there are some peg dolls around you can use them as the characters . Even your children little wooden , plastic or stuffed animals . Simple pieces of cloth or scarves work for sky and scenery . I like to check the thrift stores for real silk scarves , I have even found some beautifully handprinted ones for under a dollar . Author SeaPosted on September 14 , 2016June 7 , 2017Categories Plays , Puppet Show , Video , Winter StoriesTags 1st grade , 3 year old , 4 year old , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Fairy Tales , Fairytale , folktales , kids , Kindergarten , Preschool , Story , video , Waldorf , WinterLeave a comment on Simple Winter Puppet Show Aesop 's puppet show These are some lovely examples of how to turn fables into simple puppet shows . Leonard Gerwick also has a nice way of making the children laugh by playing with the animals as he tells the stories . Author SeaPosted on September 13 , 2016September 14 , 2016Categories Homeschool , Puppet ShowTags 1st grade , 3 year old , 4 year old , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Aesop Fable , fables , kids , videoLeave a comment on Aesop 's puppet show The Twelve Huntsman The Twelve Huntsman Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . At last down went the line to the bottom of the water , and when he drew it up , he found a great flounder on the hook . And the flounder said to him , " Fisherman , listen to me ; let me go - I am not a real fish but an enchanted prince . What good shall I be to you if you land me ? I shall not taste well ; so put me back into the water again , and let me swim away . " With that he went in with her , and in the castle was a great hall with a marble pavement , and there were a great many servants who led them through large doors , and the passages were decked with tapestry , and the rooms with golden chairs and tables and crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling , and all the rooms had carpets . And the tables were covered with eatables and the best wine for any one who wanted them . And at the back of the house was a great stable - yard for horses and cattle , and carriages of the finest ; besides , there was a splendid large garden with the most beautiful flowers and fine fruit trees , and a pleasance full half a mile long , with deer and oxen and sheep , and everything that heart could wish for . The next morning the wife was awake first , just at the break of day , and she looked out and saw from her bed the beautiful country lying all round . The man took no notice of it , so she poked him in the side with her elbow , and said , " Husband , get up and just look out of the window . Look , just think if we could be king over all this country . Just go to your fish and tell him we should like to be king . " " Now , look here , " said the wife , " I am king , and you are only my husband , so will you go at once ? Go along ! For if he was able to make me king , he is able to make me emperor , and I will and must be emperor , so go along ! " And so off he went as well as he could for fright . And a dreadful storm arose , so that he could hardly keep his feet , and the houses and trees were blown down , and the mountains trembled , and rocks fell in the sea ; the sky was quite black , and it thundered and lightened ; and the waves , crowned with foam , ran mountains high . So he cried out , without being able to hear his own words , Soon after , she had a daughter , whose hair was black as ebony , while her cheeks were red as blood , and her skin as white as snow ; so she was called Snowdrop . But when the child was born the Queen died . A year after the King took another wife . She was a handsome woman , but proud and overbearing , and could not endure that any one should surpass her in beauty . She had a magic looking - glass , and when she stood before it and looked at herself she used to say , " Mirror , Mirror on the wall , Who is fairest of us all ? " And because of her beauty the Huntsman had pity on her and said , " Well , run away , poor child . " Wild beasts will soon devour you , he thought , but still he felt as though a weight were lifted from his heart because he had not been obliged to kill her . And as just at that moment a young fawn came leaping by , he pierced it and took the lungs and liver as tokens to the Queen . The Cook was ordered to serve them up in pickle , and the wicked Queen ate them thinking that they were Snowdrop 's . Now the poor child was alone in the great wood , with no living soul near , and she was so frightened that she knew not what to do . Then she began to run , and ran over the sharp stones and through the brambles , while the animals passed her by without harming her . She ran as far as her feet could carry her till it was nearly evening , when she saw a little house and went in to rest . Inside , everything was small , but as neat and clean as could be . A small table covered with a white cloth stood ready with seven small plates , and by every plate was a spoon , knife , fork , and cup . Seven little beds were ranged against the walls , covered with snow - white coverlets . As Snowdrop was very hungry and thirsty she ate a little bread and vegetable from each plate , and drank a little wine from each cup , for she did not want to eat up the whole of one portion . Then , being very tired , she lay down in one of the beds . She tried them all but none suited her ; one was too short , another too long , all except the seventh , which was just right . She remained in it , said her prayers , and fell asleep . When it was quite dark the masters of the house came in . They were seven Dwarfs , who used to dig in the mountains for ore . They kindled their lights , and as soon as they could see they noticed that some one had been there , for everything was not in the order in which they had left it . Then the first looked and saw a slight impression on his bed , and said , " Who has been treading on my bed ? " The others came running up and said , " And mine , and mine . " But the seventh , when he looked into his bed , saw Snowdrop , who lay there asleep . He called the others , who came up and cried out with astonishment , as they held their lights and gazed at Snowdrop . " Heavens ! what a beautiful child , " they said , and they were so delighted that they did not wake her up but left her asleep in bed . And the seventh Dwarf slept with his comrades , an hour with each all through the night . In the morning they went to the mountain and searched for copper and gold , and in the evening they came back and then their meal had to be ready . All day the maiden was alone , and the good Dwarfs warned her and said , " Beware of your stepmother , who will soon learn that you are here . Don 't let any one in . " She was dismayed , for she knew that the Glass told no lies , and she saw that the Hunter had deceived her and that Snowdrop still lived . Accordingly she began to wonder afresh how she might compass her death ; for as long as she was not the fairest in the land her jealous heart left her no rest . At last she thought of a plan . She dyed her face and dressed up like an old Pedlar , so that she was quite unrecognizable . In this guise she crossed over the seven mountains to the home of the seven Dwarfs and called out , " Wares for sale . " Not long after the seven Dwarfs came home , and were horror - struck when they saw their dear little Snowdrop lying on the floor without stirring , like one dead . When they saw she was laced too tight they cut the lace , whereupon she began to breathe and soon came back to life again . When the Dwarfs heard what had happened , they said that the old Pedlar was no other than the wicked Queen . " Take care not to let any one in when we are not here , " they said . When she heard it all her blood flew to her heart , so enraged was she , for she knew that Snowdrop had come back to life again . Then she thought to herself , " I must plan something which will put an end to her . " By means of witchcraft , in which she was skilled , she made a poisoned comb . Next she disguised herself and took the form of a different Old Woman . She crossed the mountains and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs , and knocked at the door calling out , " Good wares to sell . " Happily it was near the time when the seven Dwarfs came home . When they saw Snowdrop lying on the ground as though dead , they immediately suspected her stepmother , and searched till they found the poisoned comb . No sooner had they removed it than Snowdrop came to herself again and related what had happened . They warned her again to be on her guard , and to open the door to no one . When she heard the Glass speak these words she trembled and quivered with rage . " Snowdrop shall die , " she said , " even if it cost me my own life . " Thereupon she went into a secret room , which no one ever entered but herself , and made a poisonous apple . Outwardly it was beautiful to look upon , with rosy cheeks , and every one who saw it longed for it , but whoever ate of it was certain to die . When the apple was ready she dyed her face and dressed herself like an old Peasant Woman and so crossed the seven hills to the Dwarfs ' home . There she knocked . " It is all the same to me , " said the Peasant Woman . " I shall soon get rid of my apples . There , I will give you one . " Now the apple was so cunningly painted that the red half alone was poisoned . Snowdrop longed for the apple , and when she saw the Peasant Woman eating she could hold out no longer , stretched out her hand and took the poisoned half . Scarcely had she put a bit into her mouth than she fell dead to the ground . Then her jealous heart was at rest , as much at rest as a jealous heart can be . The Dwarfs , when they came at evening , found Snowdrop lying on the ground and not a breath escaped her lips , and she was quite dead . They lifted her up and looked to see whether any poison was to be found , unlaced her dress , combed her hair , washed her with wine and water , but it was no use ; their dear child was dead . They laid her on a bier , and all seven sat down and bewailed her and lamented over her for three whole days . Then they prepared to bury her , but she looked so fresh and living , and still had such beautiful rosy cheeks , that they said , " We cannot bury her in the dark earth . " And so they had a transparent glass coffin made , so that she could be seen from every side , laid her inside and wrote on it in letters of gold her name and how she was a King 's daughter . Then they set the coffin out on the mountain , and one of them always stayed by and watched it . And the birds came too and mourned for Snowdrop , first an owl , then a raven , and lastly a dove . Now Snowdrop lay a long , long time in her coffin , looking as though she were asleep . It happened that a Prince was wandering in the wood , and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs to pass the night . He saw the coffin on the mountain and lovely Snowdrop inside , and read what was written in golden letters . Then he said to the Dwarfs , " Let me have the coffin ; I will give you whatever you like for it . " The Prince bade his servants carry it on their shoulders . Now it happened that they stumbled over some brushwood , and the shock dislodged the piece of apple from Snowdrop 's throat . In a short time she opened her eyes , lifted the lid of the coffin , sat up and came back to life again completely . Then the wicked woman uttered a curse , and was so terribly frightened that she didn 't know what to do . Yet she had no rest : she felt obliged to go and see the young Queen . And when she came in she recognized Snowdrop , and stood stock still with fear and terror . But iron slippers were heated over the fire , and were soon brought in with tongs and put before her . And she had to step into the red - hot shoes and dance till she fell down dead . Far down in the forest , where the warm sun and the fresh air made a sweet resting - place , grew a pretty little fir - tree ; and yet it was not happy , it wished so much to be tall like its companions - the pines and firs which grew around it . The sun shone , and the soft air fluttered its leaves , and the little peasant children passed by , prattling merrily , but the fir - tree heeded them not . Sometimes the children would bring a large basket of raspberries or strawberries , wreathed on a straw , and seat themselves near the fir - tree , and say , " Is it not a pretty little tree ? " which made it feel more unhappy than before . And yet all this while the tree grew a notch or joint taller every year ; for by the number of joints in the stem of a fir - tree we can discover its age . Still , as it grew , it complained , " Oh ! how I wish I were as tall as the other trees , then I would spread out my branches on every side , and my top would over - look the wide world . I should have the birds building their nests on my boughs , and when the wind blew , I should bow with stately dignity like my tall companions . " The tree was so discontented , that it took no pleasure in the warm sunshine , the birds , or the rosy clouds that floated over it morning and evening . Sometimes , in winter , when the snow lay white and glittering on the ground , a hare would come springing along , and jump right over the little tree ; and then how mortified it would feel ! Two winters passed , and when the third arrived , the tree had grown so tall that the hare was obliged to run round it . Yet it remained unsatisfied , and would exclaim , " Oh , if I could but keep on growing tall and old ! There is nothing else worth caring for in the world ! " In the autumn , as usual , the wood - cutters came and cut down several of the tallest trees , and the young fir - tree , which was now grown to its full height , shuddered as the noble trees fell to the earth with a crash . After the branches were lopped off , the trunks looked so slender and bare , that they could scarcely be recognized . Then theThe swallows knew nothing , but the stork , after a little reflection , nodded his head , and said , " Yes , I think I do . I met several new ships when I flew from Egypt , and they had fine masts that smelt like fir . I think these must have been the trees ; I assure you they were stately , very stately . " " Where are they going ? " asked the fir - tree . " They are not taller than I am : indeed , one is much less ; and why are the branches not cut off ? Where are they going ? " " We know , we know , " sang the sparrows ; " we have looked in at the windows of the houses in the town , and we know what is done with them . They are dressed up in the most splendid manner . We have seen them standing in the middle of a warm room , and adorned with all sorts of beautiful things , - honey cakes , gilded apples , playthings , and many hundreds of wax tapers . " " I wonder whether anything so brilliant will ever happen to me , " thought the fir - tree . " It would be much better than crossing the sea . I long for it almost with pain . Oh ! when will Christmas be here ? I am now as tall and well grown as those which were taken away last year . Oh ! that I were now laid on the wagon , or standing in the warm room , with all that brightness and splendor around me ! Something better and more beautiful is to come after , or the trees would not be so decked out . Yes , what follows will be grander and more splendid . What can it be ? I am weary with longing . I scarcely know how I feel . " A short time before Christmas , the discontented fir - tree was the first to fall . As the axe cut through the stem , and divided the pith , the tree fell with a groan to the earth , conscious of pain and faintness , and forgetting all its anticipations of happiness , in sorrow at leaving its home in the forest . It knew that it should never again see its dear old companions , the trees , nor the little bushes and many - colored flowers that had grown by its side ; perhaps not even the birds . Neither was the journey at all pleasant . The tree first recovered itself while being unpacked in the courtyard of a house , with several other trees ; and it heard a man say , " We only want one , and this is the prettiest . " Then came two servants in grand livery , and carried the fir - tree into a large and beautiful apartment . On the walls hung pictures , and near the great stove stood great china vases , with lions on the lids . There were rocking chairs , silken sofas , large tables , covered with pictures , books , and playthings , worth a great deal of money , - at least , the children said so . Then the fir - tree was placed in a large tub , full of sand ; but green baize hung all around it , so that no one could see it was a tub , and it stood on a very handsome carpet . How the fir - tree trembled ! " What was going to happen to him now ? " Some young ladies came , and the servants helped them to adorn the tree . On one branch they hung little bags cut out of colored paper , and each bag was filled with sweetmeats ; from other branches hung gilded apples and walnuts , as if they had grown there ; and above , and all round , were hundreds of red , blue , and white tapers , which were fastened on the branches . Dolls , exactly like real babies , were placed under the green leaves , - the tree had never seen such things before , - and at the very top was fastened a glittering star , made of tinsel . Oh , it was very beautiful ! " This evening , " they all exclaimed , " how bright it will be ! " " Oh , that the evening were come , " thought the tree , " and the tapers lighted ! then I shall know what else is going to happen . Will the trees of the forest come to see me ? I wonder if the sparrows will peep in at the windows as they fly ? shall I grow faster here , and keep on all these ornaments summer and winter ? " But guessing was of very little use ; it made his bark ache , and this pain is as bad for a slender fir - tree , as headache is for us . At last the tapers were lighted , and then what a glistening blaze of light the tree presented ! It trembled so with joy in all its branches , that one of the candles fell among the green leaves and burnt some of them . " Help ! help ! " exclaimed the young ladies , but there was no danger , for they quickly extinguished the fire . After this , the tree tried not to tremble at all , though the fire frightened him ; he was so anxious not to hurt any of the beautiful ornaments , even while their brilliancy dazzled him . And now the folding doors were thrown open , and a troop of children rushed in as if they intended to upset the tree ; they were followed more silently by their elders . For a moment the little ones stood silent with astonishment , and then they shouted for joy , till the room rang , and they danced merrily round the tree , while one present after another was taken from it . " What are they doing ? What will happen next ? " thought the fir . At last the candles burnt down to the branches and were put out . Then the children received permission to plunder the tree . " Ivede - Avede , " cried some . " Humpty Dumpty , " cried others , and there was a fine shouting and crying out . But the fir - tree remained quite still , and thought to himself , " Shall I have anything to do with all this ? " but he had already amused them as much as they wished . Then the old man told them the story of Humpty Dumpty , how he fell down stairs , and was raised up again , and married a princess . And the children clapped their hands and cried , " Tell another , tell another , " for they wanted to hear the story of " Ivede - Avede ; " but they only had " Humpty Dumpty . " After this the fir - tree became quite silent and thoughtful ; never had the birds in the forest told such tales as " Humpty Dumpty , " who fell down stairs , and yet married a princess . " Ah ! yes , so it happens in the world , " thought the fir - tree ; he believed it all , because it was related by such a nice man . " Ah ! well , " he thought , " who knows ? perhaps I may fall down too , and marry a princess ; " and he looked forward joyfully to the next evening , expecting to be again decked out with lights and playthings , gold and fruit . " To - morrow I will not tremble , " thought he ; " I will enjoy all my splendor , and I shall hear the story of Humpty Dumpty again , and perhaps Ivede - Avede . " And the tree remained quiet and thoughtful all night . In the morning the servants and the housemaid came in . " Now , " thought the fir , " all my splendor is going to begin again . " But they dragged him out of the room and up stairs to the garret , and threw him on the floor , in a dark corner , where no daylight shone , and there they left him . " What does this mean ? " thought the tree , " what am I to do here ? I can hear nothing in a place like this , " and he had time enough to think , for days and nights passed and no one came near him , and when at last somebody did come , it was only to put away large boxes in a corner . So the tree was completely hidden from sight as if it had never existed . " It is winter now , " thought the tree , " the ground is hard and covered with snow , so that people cannot plant me . I shall be sheltered here , I dare say , until spring comes . How thoughtful and kind everybody is to me ! Still I wish this place were not so dark , as well as lonely , with not even a little hare to look at . How pleasant it was out in the forest while the snow lay on the ground , when the hare would run by , yes , and jump over me too , although I did not like it then . Oh ! it is terrible lonely here . " " Where do you come from ? and what do you know ? " asked the mice , who were full of curiosity . " Have you seen the most beautiful places in the world , and can you tell us all about them ? and have you been in the storeroom , where cheeses lie on the shelf , and hams hang from the ceiling ? One can run about on tallow candles there , and go in thin and come out fat . " " I know nothing of that place , " said the fir - tree , " but I know the wood where the sun shines and the birds sing . " And then the tree told the little mice all about its youth . They had never heard such an account in their lives ; and after they had listened to it attentively , they said , " What a number of things you have seen ? you must have been very happy . " " What splendid stories you can relate , " said the little mice . And the next night four other mice came with them to hear what the tree had to tell . The more he talked the more he remembered , and then he thought to himself , " Those were happy days , but they may come again . Humpty Dumpty fell down stairs , and yet he married the princess ; perhaps I may marry a princess too . " And the fir - tree thought of the pretty little birch - tree that grew in the forest , which was to him a real beautiful princess . " Who is Humpty Dumpty ? " asked the little mice . And then the tree related the whole story ; he could remember every single word , and the little mice was so delighted with it , that they were ready to jump to the top of the tree . The next night a great many more mice made their appearance , and on Sunday two rats came with them ; but they said , it was not a pretty story at all , and the little mice were very sorry , for it made them also think less of it . " Many thanks to you then , " replied the rats , and they marched off . The little mice also kept away after this , and the tree sighed , and said , " It was very pleasant when the merry little mice sat round me and listened while I talked . Now that is all passed too . However , I shall consider myself happy when some one comes to take me out of this place . " But would this ever happen ? Yes ; one morning people came to clear out the garret , the boxes were packed away , and the tree was pulled out of the corner , and thrown roughly on the garret floor ; then the servant dragged it out upon the staircase where the daylight shone . " Now life is beginning again , " said the tree , rejoicing in the sunshine and fresh air . Then it was carried down stairs and taken into the courtyard so quickly , that it forgot to think of itself , and could only look about , there was so much to be seen . The court was close to a garden , where everything looked blooming . Fresh and fragrant roses hung over the little palings . The linden - trees were in blossom ; while the swallows flew here and there , crying , " Twit , twit , twit , my mate is coming , " - but it was not the fir - tree they meant . " Now I shall live , " cried the tree , joyfully spreading out its branches ; but alas ! they were all withered and yellow , and it lay in a corner amongst weeds and nettles . The star of gold paper still stuck in the top of the tree and glittered in the sunshine . In the same courtyard two of the merry children were playing who had danced round the tree at Christmas , and had been so happy . The youngest saw the gilded star , and ran and pulled it off the tree . " Look what is sticking to the ugly old fir - tree , " said the child , treading on the branches till they crackled under his boots . And the tree saw all the fresh bright flowers in the garden , and then looked at itself , and wished it had remained in the dark corner of the garret . It thought of its fresh youth in the forest , of the merry Christmas evening , and of the little mice who had listened to the story of " Author SeaPosted on September 3 , 2016September 7 , 2016Categories Stories , Winter StoriesTags 1st grade , Christmas , English , Grimm 's Fairy Tales , Hans Christian Andersen , image , KindergartenLeave a comment on The Fir Tree The Emperor 's New Suit The Emperor 's New Suit Many , many years ago lived an emperor , who thought so much of new clothes that he spent all his money in order to obtain them ; his only ambition was to be always well dressed . He did not care for his soldiers , and the theatre did not amuse him ; the only thing , in fact , he thought anything of was to drive out and show a new suit of clothes . He had a coat for every hour of the day ; and as one would say of a king " He is in his cabinet , " so one could say of him , " The emperor is in his dressing - room . " The great city where he resided was very gay ; every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived . One day two swindlers came to this city ; they made people believe that they were weavers , and declared they could manufacture the finest cloth to be imagined . Their colours and patterns , they said , were not only exceptionally beautiful , but the clothes made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid . " That must be wonderful cloth , " thought the emperor . " If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I should be able to find out which men in my empire were unfit for their places , and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid . I must have this cloth woven for me without delay . " And he gave a large sum of money to the swindlers , in advance , that they should set to work without any loss of time . They set up two looms , and pretended to be very hard at work , but they did nothing whatever on the looms . They asked for the finest silk and the most precious gold - cloth ; all they got they did away with , and worked at the empty looms till late at night . " I should very much like to know how they are getting on with the cloth , " thought the emperor . But he felt rather uneasy when he remembered that he who was not fit for his office could not see it . Personally , he was of opinion that he had nothing to fear , yet he thought it advisable to send somebody else first to see how matters stood . Everybody in the town knew what a remarkable quality the stuff possessed , and all were anxious to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were . The good old minister went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty looms . " Heaven preserve us ! " he thought , and opened his eyes wide , " I cannot see anything at all , " but he did not say so . Both swindlers requested him to come near , and asked him if he did not admire the exquisite pattern and the beautiful colours , pointing to the empty looms . The poor old minister tried his very best , but he could see nothing , for there was nothing to be seen . " Oh dear , " he thought , " can I be so stupid ? I should never have thought so , and nobody must know it ! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office ? No , no , I cannot say that I was unable to see the cloth . " " Oh , it is very pretty , exceedingly beautiful , " replied the old minister looking through his glasses . " What a beautiful pattern , what brilliant colours ! I shall tell the emperor that I like the cloth very much . " " I am not stupid , " said the man . " It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit . It is very strange , but I must not let any one know it ; " and he praised the cloth , which he did not see , and expressed his joy at the beautiful colours and the fine pattern . " It is very excellent , " he said to the emperor . Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth . At last the emperor wished to see it himself , while it was still on the loom . With a number of courtiers , including the two who had already been there , he went to the two clever swindlers , who now worked as hard as they could , but without using any thread . " Is it not magnificent ? " said the two old statesmen who had been there before . " Your Majesty must admire the colours and the pattern . " And then they pointed to the empty looms , for they imagined the others could see the cloth . " What is this ? " thought the emperor , " I do not see anything at all . That is terrible ! Am I stupid ? Am I unfit to be emperor ? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me . " " Really , " he said , turning to the weavers , " your cloth has our most gracious approval ; " and nodding contentedly he looked at the empty loom , for he did not like to say that he saw nothing . All his attendants , who were with him , looked and looked , and although they could not see anything more than the others , they said , like the emperor , " It is very beautiful . " And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place . " It is magnificent , beautiful , excellent , " one heard them say ; everybody seemed to be delighted , and the emperor appointed the two swindlers " Imperial Court weavers . " The whole night previous to the day on which the procession was to take place , the swindlers pretended to work , and burned more than sixteen candles . People should see that they were busy to finish the emperor 's new suit . They pretended to take the cloth from the loom , and worked about in the air with big scissors , and sewed with needles without thread , and said at last : " The emperor 's new suit is ready now . " The emperor and all his barons then came to the hall ; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said : " These are the trousers ! " " This is the coat ! " and " Here is the cloak ! " and so on . " They are all as light as a cobweb , and one must feel as if one had nothing at all upon the body ; but that is just the beauty of them . " " How well they look ! How well they fit ! " said all . " What a beautiful pattern ! What fine colours ! That is a magnificent suit of clothes ! " " I am ready , " said the emperor . " Does not my suit fit me marvellously ? " Then he turned once more to the looking - glass , that people should think he admired his garments . The emperor marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy , and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed : " Indeed , the emperor 's new suit is incomparable ! What a long train he has ! How well it fits him ! " Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing , for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid . Never emperor 's clothes were more admired . " But he has nothing on at all , " said a little child at last . " Good heavens ! listen to the voice of an innocent child , " said the father , and one whispered to the other what the child had said . " But he has nothing on at all , " cried at last the whole people . That made a deep impression upon the emperor , for it seemed to him that they were right ; but he thought to himself , " Now I must bear up to the end . " And the chamberlains walked with still greater dignity , as if they carried the train which did not exist . My poor flowers are quite dead , " said little Ida , " they were so pretty yesterday evening , and now all the leaves are hanging down quite withered . What do they do that for , " she asked , of the student who sat on the sofa ; she liked him very much , he could tell the most amusing stories , and cut out the prettiest pictures ; hearts , and ladies dancing , castles with doors that opened , as well as flowers ; he was a delightful student . " Why do the flowers look so faded to - day ? " she asked again , and pointed to her nosegay , which was quite withered . " Yes indeed , they can , " replied the student . " When it grows dark , and everybody is asleep , they jump about quite merrily . They have a ball almost every night . " " Have you not often seen the large castle outside the gates of the town , where the king lives in summer , and where the beautiful garden is full of flowers ? And have you not fed the swans with bread when they swam towards you ? Well , the flowers have capital balls there , believe me . " " I was in the garden out there yesterday with my mother , " said Ida , " but all the leaves were off the trees , and there was not a single flower left . Where are they ? I used to see so many in the summer . " " They are in the castle , " replied the student . " You must know that as soon as the king and all the court are gone into the town , the flowers run out of the garden into the castle , and you should see how merry they are . The two most beautiful roses seat themselves on the throne , and are called the king and queen , then all the red cockscombs range themselves on each side , and bow , these are the lords - in - waiting . After that the pretty flowers come in , and there is a grand ball . The blue violets represent little naval cadets , and dance with hyacinths and crocuses which they call young ladies . The tulips and tiger - lilies are the old ladies who sit and watch the dancing , so that everything may be conducted with order and propriety . " " No one knows anything about it , " said the student . " The old steward of the castle , who has to watch there at night , sometimes comes in ; but he carries a great bunch of keys , and as soon as the flowers hear the keys rattle , they run and hide themselves behind the long curtains , and stand quite still , just peeping their heads out . Then the old steward says , ' I smell flowers here , ' but he cannot see them . " " Yes , " said the student , " mind you think of it the next time you go out , no doubt you will see them , if you peep through the window . I did so to - day , and I saw a long yellow lily lying stretched out on the sofa . She was a court lady . " " Oh yes , " said the student " whenever they like , for they can fly . Have you not seen those beautiful red , white . and yellow butterflies , that look like flowers ? They were flowers once . They have flown off their stalks into the air , and flap their leaves as if they were little wings to make them fly . Then , if they behave well , they obtain permission to fly about during the day , instead of being obliged to sit still on their stems at home , and so in time their leaves become real wings . It may be , however , that the flowers in the Botanical Gardens have never been to the king 's palace , and , therefore , they know nothing of the merry doings at night , which take place there . I will tell you what to do , and the botanical professor , who lives close by here , will be so surprised . You know him very well , do you not ? Well , next time you go into his garden , you must tell one of the flowers that there is going to be a grand ball at the castle , then that flower will tell all the others , and they will fly away to the castle as soon as possible . And when the professor walks into his garden , there will not be a single flower left . How he will wonder what has become of them ! " " Yes , to be sure he can . He went one morning into his garden , and saw a stinging nettle making signs with its leaves to a beautiful red carnation . It was saying , ' You are so pretty , I like you very much . ' But the professor did not approve of such nonsense , so he clapped his hands on the nettle to stop it . Then the leaves , which are its fingers , stung him so sharply that he has never ventured to touch a nettle since . " " How can anyone put such notions into a child 's head ? " said a tiresome lawyer , who had come to pay a visit , and sat on the sofa . He did not like the student , and would grumble when he saw him cutting out droll or amusing pictures . Sometimes it would be a man hanging on a gibbet and holding a heart in his hand as if he had been stealing hearts . Sometimes it was an old witch riding through the air on a broom and carrying her husband on her nose . But the lawyer did not like such jokes , and he would say as he had just said , " How can anyone put such nonsense into a child 's head ! what absurd fancies there are ! " But to little Ida , all these stories which the student told her about the flowers , seemed very droll , and she thought over them a great deal . The flowers did hang their heads , because they had been dancing all night , and were very tired , and most likely they were ill . Then she took them into the room where a number of toys lay on a pretty little table , and the whole of the table drawer besides was full of beautiful things . Her doll Sophy lay in the doll 's bed asleep , and little Ida said to her , " You must really get up Sophy , and be content to lie in the drawer to - night ; the poor flowers are ill , and they must lie in your bed , then perhaps they will get well again . " So she took the doll out , who looked quite cross , and said not a single word , for she was angry at being turned out of her bed . Ida placed the flowers in the doll 's bed , and drew the quilt over them . Then she told them to lie quite still and be good , while she made some tea for them , so that they might be quite well and able to get up the next morning . And she drew the curtains close round the little bed , so that the sun might not shine in their eyes . During the whole evening she could not help thinking of what the student had told her . And before she went to bed herself , she was obliged to peep behind the curtains into the garden where all her mother 's beautiful flowers grew , hyacinths and tulips , and many others . Then she whispered to them quite softly , " I know you are going to a ball to - night . " But the flowers appeared as if they did not understand , and not a leaf moved ; still Ida felt quite sure she knew all about it . She lay awake a long time after she was in bed , thinking how pretty it must be to see all the beautiful flowers dancing in the king 's garden . " I wonder if my flowers have really been there , " she said to herself , and then she fell asleep . In the night she awoke ; she had been dreaming of the flowers and of the student , as well as of the tiresome lawyer who found fault with him . It was quite still in Ida 's bedroom ; Then Sophy raised himself , and looked round quite astonished , " There must be a ball here to - night , " said Sophy . " Why did not somebody tell me ? " Then she seated herself on the edge of the drawer , and thought that perhaps one of the flowers would ask her to dance ; but none of them came . Then she coughed , " Hem , hem , a - hem ; " but for all that not one came . The shabby doll now danced quite alone , and not very badly , after all . As none of the flowers seemed to notice Sophy , she let herself down from the drawer to the floor , so as to make a very great noise . All the flowers came round her directly , and asked if she had hurt herself , especially those who had lain in her bed . But she was not hurt at all , and Ida 's flowers thanked her for the use of the nice bed , and were very kind to her . They led her into the middle of the room , where the moon shone , and danced with her , while all the other flowers formed a circle round them . Then Sophy was very happy , and said they might keep her bed ; she did not mind lying in the drawer at all . But the flowers thanked her very much , and said , - Then the door of the room opened , and a number of beautiful flowers danced in . Ida could not imagine where they could come from , unless they were the flowers from the king 's garden . First came two lovely roses , with little golden crowns on their heads ; these were the king and queen . Beautiful stocks and carnations followed , bowing to every one present . They had also music with them . Large poppies and peonies had pea - shells for instruments , and blew into them till they were quite red in the face . The bunches of blue hyacinths and the little white snowdrops jingled their bell - like flowers , as if they were real bells . Then came many more flowers : blue violets , purple heart 's - ease , daisies , and lilies of the valley , and they all danced together , and kissed each other . It was very beautiful to behold . At last the flowers wished each other good - night . Then little Ida crept back into her bed again , and dreamt of all she had seen . When she arose the next morning , she went quickly to the little table , to see if the flowers were still there . She drew aside the curtains of the little bed . There they all lay , but quite faded ; much more so than the day before . Sophy was lying in the drawer where Ida had placed her ; but she looked very sleepy . Her cousins were two good - tempered boys , whose names were James and Adolphus . Their father had given them each a bow and arrow , and they had brought them to show Ida . She told them about the poor flowers which were dead ; and as soon as they obtained permission , they went with her to bury them . The two boys walked first , with their crossbows on their shoulders , and little Ida followed , carrying the pretty box containing the dead flowers . They dug a little grave in the garden . Ida kissed her flowers and then laid them , with the box , in the earth . James and Adolphus then fired their crossbows over the grave , as they had neither guns nor cannons . The thunder was an old mother sheep , and the lightning was her son , a ram . Whenever the ram got angry he used to go about and burn houses and knock down trees ; he even did damage on the farms , and sometimes killed people . Whenever the lightning did these things , his mother used to call out to him in a very loud voice to stop and not to do any more damage ; but the lightning did not care in the least for what his mother said , and when he was in a bad temper used to do a very large amount of damage . At last the people could not stand it any longer , and complained to the king . So the people complained again , and the king banished both the lightning and the thunder from the earth and made them live in the sky , where they could not cause so much destruction . Ever since , when the lightning is angry , he commits damage as before , but you can hear his mother , the thunder , rebuking him and telling him to stop . Sometimes , however , when the mother has gone away some distance from her naughty son , you can still see that he is angry and is doing damage , but his mother 's voice cannot be heard . A certain chief begat children , three males . One day his councillors assembled . He said he himself wished to see the most skilled among them . There was a huge baobab tree ( near ) the entrance to the chief 's house . He said he wanted them to mount ( their ) horses , ( and ) come ( and ) show their skill , where this baobab tree was . So they mounted their chargers , ( and ) went far away . The eldest galloped ( and ) came , ( and ) thrust that baobab with ( his ) spear . The spear went right through and he followed , passing through the hole made by the spear , with his horse . And he passed on .
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. . . Christmas ! I 'm sad that it 's probably not going to be a white Christmas , but I 'm excited nonetheless . Riley and Sean are going to come to the family Christmas Eve party . They 'll probably never speak to me again , but it should be fun . I 'm still trying to talk Aaron into coming as well , but he hates big crowds and meeting new people and my family is quite overwhelming . But I really want him to come otherwise he 's going to spend the evening with his girlfriend . On Christmas day I 'm going to his house for dessert and so we can exchange gifts . I can 't tell you what I got Aaron and Riley yet , since Riley reads my blog and she might blab . Love you , Riley ! Last week Riley and I went to our school dance . It was alright , nothing spectacular . There was a ton of yummy desserts and good punch . We spent most of the time eating . Sean stayed and talked with the other parents . Riley and I also " danced " with some of our classmates , but I don 't really think you can totally call it dancing since you mostly just move your arms and feet . Some kids came with dates so they actually did dance , but most of us just " danced . " Kit informed me today that my Christmas present finally arrived . Now I 'm super curious what it is . Is it something that was hard to get and that 's why it arrived so late ? Or is Mother just very lazy and decided to wait until the last minute to shop ? I 'm kind of leaning towards the latter , hehe . Now for a surprise . We have someone else joining my family this Christmas . Another Westie ! Yes , I know we 're crazy . Four terriers is insane . But she was found abandoned and was badly neglected . She was taken to a shelter and the people remembered that we had adopted a Westie from then and called us and asked if we wanted to foster this dog . Mother said yes . Right now we are just fostering her , but she seems to be getting along well with the other fur kids so we might adopted her . Her name is Misfit . She 's a spunky little thing about three years old . ( In the picture , Colin is Riley 's dog and Misfit is on the far right ) . Well , I don 't know for sure , but its been feeling different at home lately . My family and extended family aren 't as close as we used to be . In fact I 'm rarely at home anymore myself . When I 'm not at school I 'm at Riley 's and on the weekends I 'm at JJ 's . One thing has changed . Gillian is gone . I don 't talk about my quiet little sister much , I know . She 's always been the most reserved of the lot . I 'm sad to say that none of us noticed how much pain she has been in . You might recall that my dad abandoned us and prior to that he and his parents ( who often babysat us ) were abusive to Mother and us children . Nellie took the majority of our grandparents abuse and she goes to a special school . Now we know that Gillian suffered just as much . She 's being treated away from home and Mother says it 's better for the rest of us to not know a whole lot and not worry because she 's going to be alright . However , I overheard her talking to Elizabeth last night . She confirmed what I have been suspicious about for awhile : Gillian and Morgan are our half - sisters . Casey is their actual father . That is why our dad hated her so much . I wish these things could have waited until after the holidays , but I guess it 's better to know sooner than later . Mother said that things are going to get harder as she tries to find our dad and get a divorce . There is talk of sending some of us to boarding schools to keep us safe . I told Mother there was no way I would leave my friends . She said she knew that and had already talked to Sean and he was willing to take me in if needed . I don 't like posting heavy stuff like this , but I decided my blog friends should know what is going on in my family . I know Mother will do everything she can to make this easy on us . Being born into a normal family would have been nice . On a positive note , Riley and I are going to the Christmas dance this weekend . Sean is going to chaperon us and we are definitely not going to dance with any boys . We 're just going for the fun of getting dressed up and free food . JJ : Putting up the tree . We have a ton of special ornaments and I love hearing the stories every year . We listen to Christmas music and drink hot chocolate . This year we added a new ornament for baby Jadyn . 3 ) What is your favorite gift you have ever received ? ME : Coco , even though she was technically a family present , I 've always been her favorite . We got her when I was 5 . JJ : Maxwell , my stuffed guinea pig . I got him last year . I saw him every time we went shopping , but my parents never showed any interest in buying me another stuffed animals . It was such a surprise to see him sticking out of my stocking ! 5 ) What is your favorite Christmas food ? ME : Peanut butter balls ! It 's peanut butter and powdered sugar mixed together , rolled into balls , and covered in chocolate . JJ : Candy canes . Although I have more fun sword fighting with them than actually licking ' em . 8 ) What is your most memorable memory ? ME : Seeing Coco under the tree in a basket with a big bow on , even though we had gotten her a month before . She just looked so cute and was making puppy noises . 9 ) What are you Christmas traditions ? ME : We usually have a big family party on Christmas Eve . All of us kids get a stocking and we eat a lot of food . On Christmas , Mother makes a big breakfast and we spend the morning opening presents and playing with out new stuff . JJ : On Christmas Eve we go to Emily 's family party . On Christmas day we stay home and enjoy our presents . After lunch we always have a snowball fight and make snowmen or go sledding . Daddy takes us up in the hills behind our house to look for reindeer prints and sleigh tracks . I hope everyone isn 't tired of me talking about Aaron . I swear one of these days I 'll find something else to post about . The fact is , I 've been spending most of my time at Riley 's house . Her dad picks us up from school and we do our homework together and have a snack . A couple of times a week I stay for dinner . I usually don 't see Riley on the weekends since she always has a dentist appointment . That 's my JJ time . Anyways , about Aaron . I think I probably knew this , but just ignored the fact . He has a girlfriend . I actually think I mentioned her a long time ago . Her name 's Nora and she also has a Westie . She 's been hanging around lately when Riley and I get back from school . She 's nice and everything , but Aaron is supposed to be mine . I try to act normal around her , but I 'm afraid I come off as a little snotty . I just don 't want Aaron to marry her ! Speaking of marriage , Mother and Casey ( Jess ' dad ) have been getting a lot more serious lately about their relationship . Technically they can 't get married yet , because Mother is not actually divorced from my dad . I don 't know what the divorce rules are , but I doubt it would be hard since my dad abandoned us . I asked Kit if she knew and she got really upset . She is still holding out hope that our dad will come back and everything will be fine . That is never going to happen , but I don 't know if I want Mother to remarry either . It would be weird having a dad again and having two more sisters would make for a very crowded house . We would have to live at Jess ' which would mean Riley wouldn 't be my neighbor . I just have to hope those plans are still a long way into the future . On a more positive note . It 's December and Christmas is right around the corner ! It hasn 't been snowing much so I hope we get a big snowstorm soon . I don 't want a green Christmas . I apologize in advance for no pictures . Everyone 's camera seemed to die at the same time and there was no extra batteries . Anyways . . . Mother let me go to Riley 's house for Thanksgiving ! I didn 't think she actually would because she is very into having the whole extended family together . I was pretty relieved . If you remember some of my past holiday posts , it gets pretty crazy ! That 's the only part of Christmas I am not looking forward to . It was the best dinner I had ever had ! I thought Aaron 's normal food was good , but , oh man , when he goes all out , it 's phenomenal . I never had stuffing or sweet potatoes that tasted that good . And his pumpkin pie ! I don 't even know how to describe it , it was just perfect . He helped Riley and I make fudge and it turned out so good . I 'm supposed to bring some home to " share " with my family , but I think it will stay in my secret hiding place . My little sisters don 't need more sugar anyway . I even got to spend the night ! Sean is going to take us shopping in a little bit . However , he refused to get up at 4am to hit the early sales . Aaron hates shopping so he will stay home . I 'm so thankful that I met Riley . She and her family are so great . I did miss seeing JJ , but her family went to Bozeman to visit her grandparents anyway . I 'm going to hang out with her tomorrow . Okay , I really have nothing to post about , but I wanted to do my 100th post on 11 / 11 / 11 . I mean , can that get any cooler ? I suppose if it was my 111th post , but , hey , nobody is that cool . Anyway , we got out first snow last weekend , though it is mostly gone now . It was awesome while it was snowing , though . I hope some more comes so it 'll feel more like the holidays . Can you believe Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away ? Crazy ! I can 't wait until Thanksgiving break . I really think school should only be a four day week . Anyone with me ? I know Riley 's dad - - who is a science teacher - - would love that . He teaches at Elizabeth 's and Ham 's school . I can 't imagine being Ham 's teacher . The horror ! What 's really funny is there is this house in my town that has a shed with plywood over the front and in big letters are the words " I love Samantha . " I bet if they met Ham , they would totally retract that statement and make whoever ( whomever ? ) Samantha is change her name : ) Okay , enough making fun of Ham . Guess what my school is doing this year for the holidays . They 're having a dance ! One before Thanksgiving break and another before Christmas break . I don 't know if I will go to the first one or not , since it is so soon , but I 'm totally going to the Christmas one . I 've never been to a dance before . Riley and I are going to have her dad teach us to dance . Has anyone been to a dance before ? Was it fun or just crazy ? Enough rambling for today . I have efficiently wasted ( oxymoron , much ? ) the last 10 minutes writing this and you will have wasted several minutes reading this . Aren 't blogs great ? Well , my favorite holiday is over . Now the only thing to look forward to is Christmas : ( Haha , just kidding . Christmas is the second best holiday . It 's not even two months away ! Crazy ! As you know for Halloween I went over to Riley 's house for a slumber party . First we had a healthy dinner of chicken , rice , and salad . Then Sean took us trick - or - treating . He drove us since all the houses are so far apart . We didn 't hit very many , but enough that it was fun . We also got candy bars and chewy candy . My sisters went t - or - t in town and got us enough candy to last until Christmas . A quarter of it was old people candy , though . You know , the random hard candies and weird chewies . Riley was a witch and JJ was a pirate . I , of course , was Lyra . Before all of that , we made Halloween cupcakes . Aaron had those and some apple cider ready when we got back . Afterwards we played a board game and watched Halloween movies . Nothing too scary because Sean said he didn 't want Aaron to get scared . How cute is that ? Riley has a trundle bed so we slept in her room . I 'm used to getting up early thanks to baby sisters so I was up first . Since no one was around I had a cupcake for pre - breakfast . It was very yummy . Aaron came out of the bathroom while I was throwing away my evidence . Is it wrong to say that that made my day since he was only in a towel ? I told my friends later and Riley totally agreed with me , but JJ didn 't see the fuss . If he wasn 't so camera shy I would share his pictures and I know you guys would agree with me . I don 't think JJ had enough sugar in her . Sean made waffles for breakfast ( Riley says it 's the only thing he can cook . She says they used to live on waffles , pop - tarts , and pizza . Sounds good to me ! ) . We also had hot chocolate and Sean said we could each have a piece of candy . Then the worst part . We had to go to school . That evening JJ sent me a picture of her and her new baby sister . Her parents did not go with the suggestions of Halloween or Hallie . Her name is Jadyn Vitani Bishop . I think she 's pretty cute . JJ said she 's a big baby . Jack was really tiny when he was born . The family is doing well . I 'm not sure how six people fit in their mobile home type house , but apparently they do . Happy Halloween ! Today is the best holiday of the year ! It 's already pretty chaotic ( though when is it not at my house ? ) . Mother is pretty frazzled trying to get us where we need to be . Tonight she is taking all the younger kids ( Kit thru Annie ) to a block party in Jess ' neighborhood and then trick - or - treating there . Elizabeth is going to a party with Ham . Liz is a " sexy " pirate and Ham is a ballerina . That was the scariest costume I have seen in my life ! Ham in a tutu ? Not pretty . Tonight JJ and I are going to Riley 's house for a sleepover . We 're going to do some trick - or - treating , too , but mostly we 're going to play games , eat snacks , and watch scary movies . And I 'll get to spend it with with Aaron ! JJ 's baby sister is due today so we 're picking JJ up at school . JJ wants her middle name to be Halloween , but I don 't think her parents were going for the idea . I don 't know why , Halloween would be an awesome middle name ! I wish I was born on a holiday . I was beginning to fear that my life had become completely boring . Thankfully Riley said we could have our dinner party Friday night . I got the idea for a dinner party from my friend Frankie . I told Riley about it and she told her dad and he thought it was a cool idea . However , Riley thought we should each have a date . I reminded her of our pact , but she said that her date would be her dad and mine could be Aaron . I 'll admit I had a huge smile on my face at that idea . I couldn 't wait for school to be over on Friday , though it was weird to go home with Kit and not straight to Riley 's like I have been doing for a few weeks . Anyway , I watched TV until it was time to get ready . I decided to go with my plaid skirt and denim jacket ( with a shirt underneath , of course ) . Aaron greeted me at the door and said I looked " lovely . " Riley gave me a hug and we tried to pretend we were grown - ups and made small talk . Uber boring , I might add , but it was still fun . We talked about school for a little bit . Sean is a science teacher at the high school my sister , Elizabeth , goes to . He has a lot of funny stories to tell . After the table was cleared , Riley and I set it up for dessert . Aaron made chocolate lava cupcakes . I think we look pretty darn cute ! Riley suggested that the next time we have a dinner party Aaron and Sean would have to go as a couple , and she and I would . I think that would be funny ! After dessert , we played some card games . Aaron tried to teach us poker , but Riley and I were hopeless . So we stuck with Uno . I won twice in a row ! Aaron won the last game . I think he cheated . I hated to go home , but Riley had a dentist appointment in the morning so I couldn 't spend the night . Aaron walked me home since it was pitch black outside . " I had so much fun ! " I told him as we walked . He said he had fun , too . He even kissed me on the cheek goodnight ! Is it wrong to have really enjoyed that ? He 's 28 , but he looks so much younger , and he is so hot ! I feel silly having such a crush on him , but it 's really exciting , too . It 's my first major crush ( Andy Wharton who ? ) . All in all it was a really great night and totally grand to have something to actually blog about . Oh , JJ wanted me to put in a quick announcement that her new baby sister will be arriving any day . Even though she wanted another little brother , she is super excited . And Halloween is almost here ! Wow , my life has become totally boring . Once again I 'm posting about nothing . Of course , it 's not like I sit on a shelf all day . It 's just that nothing out of the ordinary has been going on . I go to school , I come home , I go to Riley 's house . One good thing is that my costume is ready ! I can 't wait to show it off and enter costume contests . I 'm gonna brag and say that it is totally awesome ! Aaron , my math tutor , says my math has been really improving . He 's tutoring Kit now , too . Poor Kit has been having a tough year . Her class is very disruptive and she has trouble concentrating . She might need more than just a math tutor . I don 't think she likes Aaron quite as much as I do . He hasn 't opened up to her and he can seem cold since he doesn 't talk much . Riley and I have decided to make a pact that we will not date until high school and we may extend our contract until college if high school boys are as stupid as junior high boys . Remember Andy ? The cute boy in my class ? Total jerk . He told Riley and I we couldn 't sit with them at lunch because of our parents ( he used some dirty words to name call ) . Riley and I were both upset and confused . We didn 't feel comfortable telling our parents so we told Aaron . His advise was to gossip about Andy 's parents ! Of course we couldn 't do that ( I think he may have been teasing ) , but it put us in a better mood . I am so ready for Thanksgiving break . Like the title says , my life has become pretty boring since school started again . Is anyone else ready for the holidays like me ? I 've already been planning my Halloween costume . I 've decided I 'm going to be Lyra from The Golden Compass . I haven 't finished the first book yet , but so far I really like her character and I think she kind of looks like me . My friend Frankie from Life as Frankie Finds It has been helping me figure out what to use and JJ 's going to lend me Maxwell , her stuffed guinea pig , to use as my daemon . I still have math tutoring on Thursday , but Aaron decided we had to banish Riley to her room while I work or else I get distracted to easily . Me ? Get distracted ? Never ! We also had to cut back on the baking since Mother was worried I was eating too many sweets . But she promised we can go crazy for the holidays . Which is another reason I can 't wait for Halloween ! It 's also my favorite holiday , of course . Well , I thought I 'd just give a quick update before I go back to doing homework . Not that I really want to do homework . But apparently it 's mandated . Since it was a long weekend , Mother allowed me to have JJ and Riley over to spend the night on Sunday . I was so excited for JJ to meet Riley , and a little nervous that they wouldn 't like each other . But I needn 't have worried . JJ and Riley hit it off right away . We found out that Rileyis an incredible card player . She beat JJ and I at 3 games of Uno ! She says she played cards with her grandparents all summer . Since that was hungry work , we raided the kitchen for some cookies and watched a movie . It took us a long time to decide on a movie . JJ wanted Pirates of the Caribbean , Riley wanted Ice Age , and I wanted The X - Files . Guess what we decided on ? Nope , I didn 't get my way . None of us did , in fact ! Gillian came in and said she wanted to watch The Secret Garden . Since I 'm such a great older sister I agreed . It was a good movie . Next we took some pictures . This is the only one that turned out good . Apparently none of us was very photogenic that day . Hey , it was a long weekend , we were supposed to be lazy ! The next day after breakfast ( bagels and peanut butter ! ) we played outside and then went to Riley 's house for lunch and to bake brownies . Aaron was out so we didn 't have any help with the baking , but we did a sufficient job . . . of making a mess ! But don 't worry we cleaned it up . The brownies were uber gooey since I don 't think we baked them long enough . But they were delicious ! I started school on Wednesday , and it went well thanks to having met a new friend the week before . Her name is Riley Henderson and she is my math tutor 's roommate 's daughter ( yes , I know , awkward title ) . I didn 't know Sean had a daughter since I , obviously , hadn 't seen her before . Turns out she spends the summers at camp and then at her grandparent 's house in northern Montana . She had just gotten back a few days before I met her . It was a bit weird at first , being as it was a complete surprise , but she had a Westie ! Anyone who has a terrier is automatically a great person . You have to be to put up with the little beasties ! Her Westie 's name is Colin and she is very soft and scruffy . I told her about Coco , Coconut , and Knut and we spent the next fifteen minutes talking about the silly things our dogs do . But then Aaron said we needed to get a little bit of math done . Luckily Aaron was very understanding and kept are session quick . Riley and I played board games and talked the rest of the afternoon . Best news was that she is going to be in my class ! She used to go to the closer public school , but her dad wants her to get some religious schooling as well . It 's going to be wonderful having a friend in my class ! We made a promise to meet in front of the school on our first day . I didn 't want to leave , but Mother wanted me home for dinner . On Wednesday , Mother drove Kit and I to our school . Riley was already waiting . I gave her a big hug and we searched for our classroom together and founds seats next to each other . I didn 't feel nervous at all . Which was a good thing because our teacher isn 't the friendliest . Though maybe she was just nervous . Riley and I have plans to make cookies this weekend and have a sleepover . We 're already planning a big sleepover with JJ for Labor Day weekend . JJ and Riley can 't wait to meet each other . So far this school year if off to a great start ! JJ and I went hiking this week . Possibly our last hike of the summer which makes me sad . This has been such a great summer . I don 't want it to end ! The only bad thing was JJ cracked the lens of her glasses , but luckily her dad was able to fix it . At the top of the mountains ( or Rims as it 's called ) there used to be a cabin , but it got torn down and all that is left is the stove . It 's huge ! JJ and I pretended we were in a giants castle . After that we explored a little and I found the creepiest thing ! It was a pointed stake with red paint on the pointed end . It looked like blood ! Green Girls , you better watch out . I think the vampire hunters are out in about and right now there in Montana . After exploring we had a snack and took in the view . Yup , our legs are hanging off the edge of the cliff . Okay , not really . There 's a ledge below us . JJ 's dad would never let us be that dangerous . I don 't start school for a few more weeks , but between now and then it will be crazy getting ready . Is anyone else feeling the end of summer blues ? I must say this has been quite the summer ! Yesterday JJ and I went hiking with her dad and Jack . We just went to a local hiking spot . It rained the entire time ! It was great ! We didn 't get any pictures since we didn 't really want to stop . But we did find a slightly sheltered spot under some trees to have lunch . PB & J ! On the way back to the car it rained harder . We got down in 20 minutes ! The ground was muddy and slippery by then and JJ and I had to run most of the way . Last week during tutoring Aaron and I baked up a storm ( and did some math ) and this Thursday we are going to make truffles ( chocolate , not mushrooms ) ! I was there for a couple of hours . When Sean ( spelled it wrong before , oops ) got home he said I could stay for dinner . I called Mother and she said it was okay . We had spaghetti . It was so good ! Aaron can make everything taste a thousand times better . I asked him how he learned to cook so well , but he said he wasn 't sure . He just can . He still doesn 't talk a whole lot , so Sean and I did all the talking at dinner . After eating we took Remy for a walk to my house . Coco was mad when she saw me with another dog , but I gave her a treat and she was all better . Karate has been nice now that I don 't see Alex . Is it weird that I kind of miss the drama ? Oh , well , I 'm sure once school starts again there will be plenty of new drama . If you get a chance , please check out my friends store blog : The Crazy Doll Ladies Store . They always have a ton of cute things . On Saturday I went hiking to a mountain lake . Holy cow , was it a hard hike ! It was , like , 2 miles of uphill climbing . My legs aren 't very cooperative this morning ! The lake was more like a pond , but still very pretty . We had lunch here . PB & J ! On the way back we stopped and played at a creek . The water was cold and so refreshing to drink ! It was a beautiful day out . Perfect temperature and a nice breeze . There was a little cabin just off the trail . I 'm pretty sure it was no bigger than 8 x 10 if even that . I can 't imagine living in something that small ! Right above me right arm you can see part of the roof . An adult wouldn 't even be able to stand up in it ! I hope a family didn 't have to live in the cabin . I can 't imagine it being very tolerable for even one person . Before we headed home we stopped for ice cream . Best ice cream ever ! I had mint chocolate chip . They didn 't have any peanut butter & chocolate which is , of course , my favorite . I love getting the chance to see Montana . I swear there isn 't an ugly place in this state . I wish it was my birthday , but it wasn 't . Yesterday was Mac 's 13th B - Day . Why she gets to turn 13 and I don 't , I do not know . But I don 't want to be a teenager anyway . And I totally don 't want to be in 8th grade . Our cousin Rebecca was here for a visit . She 's the one who likes to have tea parties and where frilly dresses and forces her cousins to also wear frilly dresses . Her hair was insanely perfect ( I think Mac posted a picture ) . Mac 's cake was to die for even though it wasn 't peanut butter . Is there such thing a peanut butter cake ? I bet there is . You know what 's really good ? Cake balls made of chocolate cake and peanut butter ! I ate , like , a dozen last week . Anywhose . Mac 's dad made hamburgers on the grill and we had fresh lemonade to drink . It was so hot out ! I was glad the party was mostly inside . After all the food stuff , our parents made us pose for pictures . I guess they were smart enough to stuff us with food first so we couldn 't run away from the camera . I hate when grown - ups get tricky like that . I wore my Spike shirt , obviously . Flashpoint has been totally awesome the past few weeks . Spike has been getting a bigger role . He 's the best ( and cutest ) character in the show . The show is set ( and filmed , I assume ) in Toronto , Canada in case my Canadian friends are interested in knowing : ) Tomorrow is math tutoring ! I can 't believe how excited I am . I think something is wrong with me . You know what Kit thinks ? She thinks I have a crush on Aaron . Okay , Kit , just because you have a crush on , like , every guy doesn 't mean that I do . Little sisters can be quite the pain . We had a nice little hail storm last night . It was so loud in my bedroom ! I swear the roof was going to cave in or something ! All the Westies hid under the covers . It was quite hard to sleep . Luckily it only lasted a half hour . I 'm sure you are all wondering how karate went . I talked to Mother about taking lessons somewhere else , but she said there wasn 't any other good karate places around . But she thought it would be possible to switch to a different class . JJ 's dad took me to class early and we talked to my current karate teacher . He said he was sorry that Alex had been bullying me , but because she was considered special needs he couldn 't ban her from the class . I didn 't know what to say to that . It 's wonderful that Alex can be in a regular class , but what about the needs of the students she tortures ? JJ 's dad spoke up and said even though we were sensitive to Alex 's plight , I was in physical danger each class . I 'm signed up for the later class now . JJ 's dad will still be able to take me since he doesn 't work on Friday . Now about my math tutor . Is it terrible to say I love my math tutoring ? Aaron is very patient and doesn 't mind when I make the same mistake five times in a row . He just shows me again and tells me I 'm catching on . We work for 45 minutes and then we have a snack . Aaron is like the best baker in the world ! He always has some home - made goodie to give me . This week is was lemon squares . I could have eaten a dozen and there wasn 't even peanut butter involved ! Which is a good thing since his friend Shawn is allergic to peanuts and they can 't have PB in the house . Aaron said I 'm welcome to come over anytime . Since he doesn 't drive nor have a job he 's always around . I think I will take him up on that offer . One last thing . I think I 've mentioned Angelica a few times . She has a blog now , too . The link is under my favorite blogs ( she bribed me to add it . Just kidding ! Maybe . . . ) called " Angelica 's Analysis " . I know she 'd like to meet my blog - y friends ! I haven 't had much to tell about karate in awhile since I missed a few lessons due to vacation and then Alex was gone on vacation for a few weeks , too . I must say I really liked the classes when she wasn 't there . Anyway , we were both there Friday and it was right back to square one . Alex nearly gave me a black eye and I was close to tears by the time class was over . I couldn 't even try to talk to her . She was mean to everyone . I wonder how she acts at school ? I 'm pretty close to quitting karate . I was so bummed out Thursday knowing what the next day would be like . Mother says it 's up to me if I want to quit or not . I said I would give it two more weeks . My first math tutoring session was okay . It was on Thursday and the only thing I wanted to do was watch TV . Aaron , the tutor , didn 't seem to care that I didn 't want to talk much since he doesn 't seem to like to talk much himself . My curiosity did get the better of me about a few things that I did have to ask about . Like who rides the motorcycle ? Aaron said that is his best friend Shawn . Shawn owns the house and Aaron mooches off of him ( Aaron 's words not mine ! ) . Shawn also has a beautiful Irish Setter named Remy . That dog made my day a little bit better . She 's very sweet , but Aaron says she is very lazy and has a stubborn streak . How was everyone 's 4th of July ? Mine was a blast ! Everyone went over to Jess ' house for a party . It was such a beautiful day ! Not too hot or windy . For lunch we had hamburgers and French fries ; watermelon and apples ; and cupcakes for dessert . I 'm totally obsessed with cupcakes right now . I want to make some with peanut butter filling . But then Rex ( Mac 's puppy ) stole the ball ! He was too cute to get mad at , though . We let him play with us then . JJ and I decided to climb trees after the soccer game . We couldn 't get any higher than that . Well , we probably could have , but our parents said " that 's high enough , girls " . Grown - ups . . . This is Angelica on the left . She just moved here from NYC and now lives next door to Jess . Her dad worked for Mac 's mom in NYC so she and Mac know each other well . Right now Angelica is staying with Mac 's family while her family gets the rest of their stuff moved and deals with all the house selling hassles . Later we roasted marshmallows and made s ' mores . Sooooooooooo yummy ! I could have eaten a whole bag . I wonder who came up with the idea to hold a marshmallow over a fire ? It is quite a bizarre idea if you think about it . Of course , who thought it would be a good idea to milk a cow and drink it ? Anyways , it was a fun day and I hope we have more picnics in the future ! Yesterday Mother decided to spring on me that I needed a math tutor for the summer . I 'm doing average in math , but I would spend hours with Mother and Elizabeth helping me do homework . So Mother figured a tutor would help me figure out my problem spots so I 'll be ready for fall . Perfectly logical , but right now I hate logic . I don 't want to spend my summer doing math ! Anyway , Mother apparently enlisted Casey 's help in finding someone and he called yesterday and told Mother there was a " math genius " that lives near us who would help me . And it turns out he doesn 't just live " near " us , he practically lives next door ! How terrible is that ? This all happened in the morning , so after lunch I talked Kit into taking Coconut for a walk with me and figure out where this guy lives . Chances are I 've seen him before and with Coconut with us we could " accidentally " " lose " our dog in his yard . Yeah , that was my bright idea for the day . Sometimes I amaze myself with my cleverness . So we found his house and I recognized the motorcycle in the driveway . I must have waved at him dozens of times ! Coconut decided then would be a good time to put our plan into action and he yanked free of Kit 's grasp . He started snuffling around in the bushes by the front door . And with my grand luck the door opened . But it wasn 't a guy , it was a young woman and another Westie . Coconut and this Westie stared running around like terriers do and neither obeyed ( another thing terriers do ) . Finally I managed to grab Coconut 's leash and apologized to the woman . She was very kind and said it was okay , her dog needed the exercise anyway . Her name was Nora and the dog was Kyla . That 's when I noticed a guy standing in the doorway . He didn 't look like the guy I usually saw on the motorcycle ; he was much younger . But by then I was out of breath and a bit embarrassed at how bad Coconut was to say anything . By now you are probably wondering where the new puppy comes in . I 'll get to that now . Nora asked where we got out dog and I told her we got him from a shelter in Nevada and she asked if we had ever been to the local shelter . The shelter had gotten a one - year - old female Westie that was now ready for adoption . Like we really needed another dog , but when we got home the first thing Kit told Mother was about the Westie . We had to go see it , she said . Amazingly Mother agreed and we stopped at the shelter after picking up Nellie from her art class . I got to go hiking on Saturday ! It was so much fun and a perfect day to be outside . I haven 't live in Montana long and it 's totally awesome to see how beautiful this state is . Below me is the Stillwater River . Very ironic name right now because the river was totally raging . That pictures does not show how powerful and crazy the water was . And , honestly , I 'm not hanging over the cliff . That 's just the awesomeness of photography . Here I am at the lake . It was so beautiful , but I was starving and just wanted to get back to the car for lunch . The smart thing to have done would have been to bring our food with us . Right , Mother ? After lunch ( peanut and butter and jelly ) , I was ready for a few more pictures . This pic shows how fast the river was going . It was so loud ! I kind of liked it ' cause it meant I couldn 't hear Mother or my sisters ! Hey , this is JJ ! Emily is allowing me to post the pictures from my day at the museum . I got to see real pirates ! Well , not the actual pirates since they died back in the 1700 's during a storm at sea ( two managed to survive but were arrested ! ) . But I did get to see real pirate treasure ! Sadly I wasn 't aloud to take pictures in the exhibit , but I still got a few . This is me under a banner of the 9 - year - old pirate boy John King . I got to see his femur bone that really proved he was a child . No one is quite sure why this boy was aloud on the pirate ships since children normally weren 't . I wish I could be a pirate ! I got to sit on the lap of a pirate statue . It was so cool ! That little black dot on my overalls is my Pirates of the Caribbean pin that I got at the mall . In the pirate exhibit there was a lady walking around dressed in colonial clothes . She was funny ! She liked my shoes since they covered my toes and she wondered about the people with funny colored toenails . She thought they had some kind of disease ! Another thing I learned is that pirates were really honest amongst themselves . All their treasure was split equally between them , not even the captain took more . And if there wasn 't enough hammocks for everyone to sleep on then everyone slept on the floor . I can 't wait to learn more about pirates now ! I got back from my trip to Denver with JJ a few days ago . Now you get to put up with several posts of pictures ! Aren 't you excited ? These pictures are of me at the Zoo . It was totally awesome to see all the animals and get my picture taken . It was quite hot and I was lucky I didn 't melt ! This is me with a sign about Wolves : my favorite animal Here is the actual wolf . I only saw one since they seem to prefer hiding to getting their picture taken , though I don 't blame them . I would hide too if screaming children watched me all day . Here I am with a wolf skull . It 's as big as me ! I tried to fit my head in it 's jaws but I couldn 't quite fit . If the skull wasn 't stuck to the sign I could have done it . Morbid , I know . Here I am riding a hippo . Don 't laugh ! It 's not like I chose to sit on a hippo . Mother made me . . . sort of . And this is me next to a Penguin sign . As you can see I 'm about the same size as the little Penguin , but no where near as big as the Emperor Penguin . I would be scared to meet up with that fellow . ( But not to meet the wolf whose mouth could fit over my head . . . strange ) . The two - headed Giraffe . Banded Mongoose ( I wanted to take him home . So cute ! Look at that mug ! ) Me and a Monkey ( He wanted to take me home , I think ) And this is me watching some wild horses . I think they are from Mongolia and they are , like , the last true wild horses . I learned some stuff about Alex last weekend . Since Casey works at the same hospital as Alex 's dad , he knew a bit about the family . However I don 't think I was supposed to hear any of it since the grown - ups were talking while us kids were supposed to be upstairs playing . But I was thirsty and came downstairs . Alexandra Hayden Woods is 13 and lives in the city and goes to public school . She spent most of her childhood ( from , like , 3 to 9 ) in foster homes . She got moved around a lot due to aggressive behavior and being unruly . She was adopted by the Woods family at 10 after being fostered by them for several months . The Woods have an older son who was also adopted . Her early childhood situation sounded similar to my own . Her father was abusive and she was sent to live with her grandparents who were also unkind to her which is how she ended up in foster care . I 'm not sure why she couldn 't live with her biological mom , but I think she just got the short end of the stick since her mom had too many other children to care for . Knowing all of that I went to karate on Friday ready to make the best of it . She was probably bullied a lot and her way of defense is to now be the one to bully first . I 've seen her pick fights with some of the other girls , too , but I seem to be more " special " in her eyes . The same rotten teacher was still there . JJ 's dad couldn 't stay , but JJ did . It was a typical class . Alex kicked me a few times and stole my water bottle . I told the teacher ; he told me to " toughen up " . Even though Alex still wants to chew me up it didn 't hurt me as much . I can understand her and I could just as easily ended up like her . I 'm still not sure what I 'm going to do because she really shouldn 't be hitting anyone even if it 's not entirely her fault . And that teacher still needs to go . If not because of his attitude to me then because of his crude remarks to JJ 's dad about his children . Another dramatic karate class . Luckily I had JJ 's dad with me . Since it 's been raining forever and there is a ton of flooding all baseball practices were canceled . JJ and Jack came to support me , too . She grabbed my water bottle but I 'm not sure what she was going to do with it since JJ 's dad came over . Alex gave the bottle back to me and stalked off . But somehow we ended up as partners . That was enough for me , I told the teacher that Alex was picking on me and I didn 't feel comfortable being her partner . The teacher told me to tough it out ! I wanted to cry , but I knew I couldn 't and I knew I had to at least try to get along with Alex . Or at least figure out why she seems to hate me so much . We left then and are going to get that teacher fired . Since I was out early , we headed to the hospital where Mother is a secretary , which is also the hospital Jess ' dad is a surgeon at . Us kidlets were told to go find a snack machine while the grown - ups talked . JJ and I got cookies and Jack got chips and we got a bottle of apple juice to share . Our parents were still talking along with Casey , but I don 't think the conversation was about karate anymore since they shut up when they saw us . Mother said I was going to spend the night at JJ 's and she would pick me up in the morning . That was Friday and Saturday . Today I 'm going over to Jess ' house for a Memorial Day lunch and I 'll post about that when I get a chance . Sorry if this has been an angst - y - ish post . That Alex girl has really thrown me for a loop . I don 't know if I have ever mentioned it before that I take karate . My uncle was my teacher for a few months , but since he moved back to New York ( Rebecca is his daughter ) my class had to get a new teacher . There was also a new student today and I got partnered up with her . Her name is Alex and she 's a year older than I am and a little more advanced in karate . I held the punching bag thing - y and held my breath like I always do for fear of getting kicked . Everything was going great so far . Alex had very good coordination and accuracy . I was starting to have fun since I wasn 't near as worried as usual about my partner missing . I don 't really know what happened next . Alex claimed I moved my hand , but I 'm certain I did not . She missed and fell over backwards ( that 's when I lowered my hand ) . I 've never been so scared before when she jumped up and shoved me in the stomach . She kept calling me names I 'd rather not repeat and threatening to choke me . I was afraid to yell for the new teacher since I didn 't know him . Luckily he did notice , but he only mildly told Alex to behave and it was time to switch partners . I just wanted the class to end and barely put any effort into my kicks and punches . Now the teacher thinks I 'm lazy and not very good . But I don 't really care about that right now . JJ 's dad picked me up along with Kit and his son . ( He coaches his son 's baseball team which practices right after Kit 's team . Kit stays and helps the little kids ) . I started to tell Kit what happened when Alex stormed over . " Who 's the little punk boy ? " she demanded . Okay , seriously the girl has her knickers in a twist or something and apparently Kit looks like a boy when her hair is in a ponytail and she 's wearing a baseball uniform . I mumbled that she was my sister Kit . Alex shoved Kit in the shoulder and I grew defensive and shoved her . She tackled me down , but we were quickly stopped by JJ 's dad . I had to tell JJ 's dad everything on the ride to his house . He reminded me to tell the teacher immediately if it happened again . I promised I would and he said he would stay during the next class if I wanted him to . JJ is so lucky to have such a great father ! I was super glad to see JJ and told my story again to her . I felt better after talking about the fight again . But I 'm not very excited to go to class next Friday . Posted by
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Leave a Comment » My brother and I used to play manhunt with the neighborhood kids : GJ , Manny and his older sister . We would hide in the factories , under the loading docks , in the alleyway that was paved with gravel and weeds down the middle . We would play sometimes till our parents came looking for us , to take us home . I remember going exploring in those parts , taking flashlights and climbing down the stairs of the underground sewer system . I don 't remember it smelling bad or being uncomfortable . It was like a cave that no one knew existed but us , and we were happy with just that . One day I packed all my schoolbooks for the year , some clothes and my shoes into three plastic grocery bags for me to run away with . I waved goodbye to my mother , who didn 't notice in the mist of tending to my sister . I left with a sinking feeling ; picked up my bags and made my way to the shed in the middle of the alleyway with its cracked window . It was winter and I remember the cold air that left frozen streaks on my face . I stood in the rubble of the abandoned shed for awhile before I set my bags down on the gravel . There was no place to sit so I took my notebook out and held it in my hand , too scared then to open it . I wouldn 't have a bed to share anymore , but at least I had all my books . I could still go to school every day and have lunch and it will be just the same but better , I thought . When it was starting to get dark my brother came and stood in my broken doorway , " you couldn 't find a better place to hide ? " He snickered . With an evil grin on his stupid face , he picked up my bags and led the way back home , " why did you run away ? " He coaxed . " Why did you run away ? " Leave a Comment » We had a cat in those days , named Fluffy . She was like a live stuffed animal colored grey , black with specks of white and eyeballs made of glass . Really she was just a stray . She would come to the window we 'd give her bones and water and sometimes milk , but so rarely that it could go without mentioning . She was allowed to stay in the house some days when we were feeling friendly but as soon as darkness covered the sky , my mother would parade around till she found her and promptly put her out . One day , my ten year old brother who was a criminal in my eyes decided he wanted to see Fluffy 's tongue stick out of her mouth , like in the cartoons , so he wrapped his tiny villainous hands around her neck and squeezed till she was an inch away from death . Then he laughed and did it again , whilst hot tears streamed down my face . When Fluffy got fat and lazy , we all thought she was dying . My mother kept her in the house so she wouldn 't get cold at night and die on a sidewalk alone , but one morning , to our surprise , we woke up and there were four little kittens sleeping under the bed with her . They were the tiniest creatures I 'd ever seen and oh so soft , like the most expensive stuffed animals that would only be carried by FAO Schwarz . We gave Fluffy a bowl and kept it full of milk so she could feed her babies . One of them was all white . She was my favorite , but my mother soon thought it best to give them all away . She barely had enough money to feed her kids how was she going to feed five cats ? Fluffy became our house cat for a while and probably never saw her four babies again . After my mother got pregnant again she started talking about letting Fluffy go out into the wild where she belongs , just like her babies . My mother was worried Fluffy would eat my newborn sister when she arrived finally , from the hospital , and so my mother had Muna uncle get rid of her . I came home from school that dreadful day to see my mother breast - feeding her new baby and my beautiful stuffed animal gone forever . " I held this baby in my stomach for nine months , not to be eaten by some stupid cat " my mother said . My mother and I used to have tea parties . Sometimes they were casual , but other times she would dress me up in a pretty frock and I would invite my stuffed animals to join us . I would pour tea from my ceramic teapot with the flowers on it into the tiny little matching cups . I was very precise , waiting and tilting my head down for a second after each cup was filled . Then I 'd put exactly three raisins on everyone 's plate . There was a bunny , a cat , a duck , my mother and me sitting on our red carpet . And we would pretend to sip the tea making it last , until my father came home at which point we would drink the tea and pack up . Sometimes , when I find myself in the company of city friends I remember the Brooklyn house . It wasn 't a house really , but that 's what we used to call it , five people crammed into our tiny one bedroom apartment atop a flight of stairs . There was a luxury to it then because we weren 't yet accustomed to more . We had mice and cockroaches that co - habited our digs , but we made it work . I would hunt down the mice with my mother till they were trapped in a corner looking up at their deaths , with shoes and hammers I would smash them . This is what my mother and I did for the most part of the day . She would cook before my father came home and I would practice my letters . On laundry days she would dress me up and take me with her to the Laundromat , but sometimes I got lucky and she would give me a big pile of clothes to wash with me in the shower . I would throw them on the floor of the tub and stomp with my tiny little feet watching the colors mixing their way down the drain . She would always set aside an hour or two for later when she would pick a library book and make me follow the words till I understood what it meant . It was difficult to concentrate over the noise of the TV but I seem to have managed . We had thin red carpets spread across two rooms , tiles in the kitchen , a full sized mattress , a sofa bed , a dresser , a TV and a fridge . The bedroom had two closets , one right next to the other . I remember my father putting in a plank of wood above the clothing rack so we 'd have a shelf to store our winter things when the weather picked up . I used to climb up there and hide amongst the tiny stacks of clothing my mother gathered thrift store hunting and rummaging through thrown out bins of garment factory clothing . This was before old , used clothing was in style . The garment factories were around the back of my house , between second and third avenue on thirty - sixth street . My mom found a job in one when I was in elementary school . There 's a stereotype in the United States of Asian women working in garment factories , created by the capitalist first world and the convenience of sweatshops and secondary human beings in the third world , but my mother was far from just another statistic . Emigrating from Bangladesh to a country where the language was foreign and the skills needed were not ones she had known , she got a job at the only place she could , the first world sweatshop down the block . She would come home sometimes and say the Spanish women who go into the manager 's office get paid more than she does . I didn 't know then what she meant . I didn 't know of the world yet , or things . My brother used to walk me to school then , P . S 172 , our very own beacon of excellence . I was his pet dog and he would wrap his fingers tightly around my neck , arm outstretched , squeezing harder if I wasn 't walking fast enough . Sometimes we would pass other kids from my class and I would find it difficult to smile so I would look down and pretend I didn 't see them , but they always saw me and they always knew better than to ask about the red marks on my neck between our intervals of work . There was that one day when I was in the first grade and my brother had left without me so my mother reluctantly allowed me to walk myself . Determined at heart but I walked with caution and fear , always looking back to see if there was anyone around but making sure they were far enough from me that they couldn 't do me any harm . When I was about a block away from school , a police car on the street turned on its siren . I didn 't trust cops , not even then so I kept walking trying not to walk faster but definitely not slowing down . One of the officers stepped out and called to me , told me to get into their car . I froze . I was not going to get into a car with two strange men ; it didn 't matter to me that they had badges and a uniform because underneath it all I knew they still had cocks and fingers . There was a mother on the sidewalk walking her daughter to school and she told the officers she would walk me the rest of the block to the school . They reluctantly agreed and followed closely in their vehicle . At the entrance I thanked the brown haired Hispanic woman , more with my eyes than my mouth , signed my name in the late book and raced up the stairs to my classroom . By the time I got settled , put my backpack in the closet , my first grade teacher asked me to leave ; " go wait for me in the auditorium , " she said . I went into the giant room full of empty seats , the sounds of my tiny feet tapping and echoing . I waited for what felt like a good half hour . When my teacher finally came she asked me in a soft voice if I knew why I was there . I shook my head . Her pupils dilated and the floor shook with the sound of her roaring voice , her plump face as red as a ripe cherry ready for picking and her crazy curls bobbed on top of her head . I didn 't understand the words spitting out of her gigantic mouth , I just saw the foam gathering by in the corners of her lips and her face as fat as a balloon getting so big and red I thought she 'd explode . Leave a Comment » Shruti was born and raised in New York . She had never traveled outside of the states , let alone the tri - state area . She was feminine and pretty . Shruti was quite popular in school although she was only close friends with a few people . She usually just spent all her time at home with her family , or at school accomplishing things , or with Lily . Lily was one of her best friends . Lily never really had any other friends . She was the shy quiet type . She wasn 't the type to pass notes while the teacher was talking , instead she 'd sit in the front of the classroom raising her hand at frequent intervals . At school she mostly kept to herself , except when she was with Shruti and her friends . She met Lily one day on the walk home from elementary school . Lily was standing on the sidewalk looking around frantically . There was an old drunk man that was awfully close to her . He wore a winter coat , in 70 degree weather and his dirty brown hair looked as if he hadn 't brushed it in months . Shruti sensed something was not right and ran over to Lily . " Hey is everything ok ? " " Hey you little bitch ; me and miss fancy pants are just fine . Aren 't we baby ? You can run along now , " he yelled angrily . His breath reeked of the disgusting smell of alcohol and his big hands were black and filthy with dirt . He reached out to grab Lily and Shruti shoved him with all her might so that he would topple over . He strode back and his left foot landed on an empty can of coke . He tried to balance himself but it was too late . Lily just stood there terrified as he hit the ground with a thud . Shruti grabbed Lily 's hand and the two of them ran down the block and around the corner like they never had before . " Don 't even mention it , " Shruti said . " I 'm sure you would 've done the same thing for me . Are you okay though ? Did he hurt you ? " For two girls who were from completely different worlds , they clicked like they had known each other forever . After that they were inseparable . Where ever one of them was , the other was sure to be on her way . They soon went off to middle school together and that 's where everything changed . Shruti remembered the day when everyone got picked up from middle school and Lily waited outside for her to get out , so they could be safe together . At first , there were only a few kids who left because they were called to the main office . Then more kids were called away , they took their bags and their sweaters . Shruti realized they were all leaving . She waited for her mom to come too , but she didn 't . There were only four other kids , left in her class who hadn 't been picked up . It was only twelve in the afternoon when Shruti 's teacher told them to gather their things . She wondered what was so special about today that her principal decided to let everyone out early . She went outside and there Lily was waiting for her . " I 'm so excited ! They should make everyday a half - day like this one , " Shruti exclaimed as they walked toward the bus stop . Lily didn 't respond , instead she grabbed on to Shruti 's hand tightly as they crossed the street . " Really ? Oh man no wonder everyone was getting picked up from school ? I hope we get home safe ! " Shruti exclaimed . She was so scared to be outside . She had no idea what she would do in case they were in any sort of immediate danger . There was a small minivan that pulled up to the bus stop they were standing at . The driver opened the door and everyone that was waiting for the bus , got in . Shruti and Lily looked at each other in confusion . Weren 't all these people waiting for the bus just like they were ? Why did they get into a stranger 's mini - van ? A man gestured for them to come inside as well . Lily edged forward . " Lily , can we not go with them ? I just want to wait for the bus . I don 't think it 's safe for us to get a ride from a fake taxi driver . " Shruti said . Chills ran down Shruti 's spine . How would they know if they saw a terrorist ? I don 't even know what that is exactly , Shruti thought . The bus never came that day and the two of them ended up walking hand in hand , the mile and a half to get home . This was all before that faithful day at the handball courts . Shruti was in her senior year in middle school . In those days , she used to come in early to play suicide with Lily before classes started . The whole game of suicide was like handball . The objective was to catch the ball on a fly . Whoever catches a ball on a fly gets to peg the person who originally threw it . It was their routine game before school . They always used to team up together and go up against everyone else . If Shruti threw the handball and someone was going to catch it , Lily would run and try to catch it instead so that Shruti wouldn 't get pegged with the ball . If Lily caught it , she would never peg Shruti , if one of the guys caught it , they wouldn 't hesitate . One day , when they were both preoccupied with the game , their friend Ivan came up to Lily and whispered something in her ear . Lily looked back at Shruti and quickly turned away when Shruti looked back at her . Ivan was the other best friend , the newer addition to their group . Shruti met Ivan in the 7th grade . They were in the same class . They didn 't click immediately . Actually , Shruti very much hated his guts when they first met . Ivan used to tease her and make fun of the comments she made in class . And of course , Shruti retaliated with harsh comments and curses of her own . The teasing eventually let up and the two of them decided they were more productive when making fun of others , together . He knew Lily through Shruti . The three of them would talk on the phone for hours and hours in those days . In her hand she squeezed the tiny little blue handball . Tobe and Jonathon , two of the guys that were relatively close to her rushed up and asked if she was okay . Jonathon lent her a hand and lifted her back to her feet . Lily turned and looked at Shruti and in one swift motion pegged the ball as hard as she could . Ivan ran forward and caught the ball and threw it towards the wall starting a new game . Shruti stood still in amazement . Why did Lily peg her ? Did she do something wrong or did Lily suddenly decide she wanted to play fair ? After the game they walked back to school together . " Hey what 's up ? Did I do something wrong ? " Shruti asked . " No , of course not . Why would you think that ? " Lily said smiling . " Hey guys wait up " , she called and hurried forward to walk with Jonathon . " I 'll catch up with you later Shruti . " After school that day , Lily didn 't come out with her class . Shruti waited but Lily never showed up . " Let 's just go . Lily probably got picked up or something , " Ivan said to Shruti . " Hmmm I don 't know . Let 's just wait a couple of more minutes . " Shruti felt even more confused than she had in the morning . She couldn 't figure out why Lily would 've tried to peg her so hard . Had Lily been mad at her for some reason ? Lily never showed up that day so Shruti and Ivan made the walk to the train station alone . " Ha ha , Ivan . Why are you getting all sentimental on me ? You know we 're always gonna be friends , " Shruti said putting her arm around his . Ivan 's face lit up with all different hues of red . " Good , " he smiled . " You have no idea how much that 's means to me . How much you mean to me , " he said taking her arm away from his and grabbing onto her hand . " You 're the best thing that ever happened to me , " Ivan said as he squeezed her hand . " Ok , I have to tell you something ; promise u won 't see me any different and be weird about it ? " Shruti stopped walking and looked at him . She meant to say something but she couldn 't find the words . Her hand felt hot and sweaty as she let go of Ivan 's hand . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't know what to do so I told Lily today , when we were playing suicide . Please don 't get weird around me now . Your friendship means everything to me , " he said . " Don 't say anything . Just leave it . Shruti , this doesn 't have to change anything . Just pretend I didn 't tell you , ok ? I just needed you to know and now you know , and we can both just forget about it ok ? " Ivan spurted out . " Come on let 's just pretend this didn 't happen . Please , " he said desperately . Ivan nodded quickly and sped up towards the train station . Shruti watched him go . She waited for him to turn around but he didn 't , so she slowly turned to leave . Shruti wanted to tell Ivan all the things she had in her heart , but she couldn 't bring herself to . Graduation was weeks away and she would probably never see him again . He would change when he went to high school , he would see another pretty girl and everything between them will be broken . She couldn 't risk their friendship , it meant too much to her . She knew she 'd always love Ivan and if it was really meant to be , it would happen one day . It just wasn 't the right time now . It would be too risky and the consequences were something she wouldn 't be able to bear . She didn 't know then , that things would never be the same . Summer vacation was finally coming to an end . It was the longest summer she 'd ever experienced . Shruti walked down the empty street alone , straying further and further from her home with each step . The sun had already started its journey down and ripples of pink and purple filled the sky . There was no one to be seen on their porches and all the kids seemed to have already gone to sleep . The quiet was consuming . Ever since Lily decided she didn 't want to be friends anymore with her , everything was different . That day changed everything . Shruti and Ivan weren 't best friends anymore and Shruti and Lily weren 't even friends anymore . How could one little secret have torn them all apart that way ? She thought their friendships were stronger than that . Lily was like the sister she never had , and all of a sudden they were strangers . She always had the feeling Lily liked Ivan as more than just a friend , but she didn 't know . There could be no other explanation for it . What else could Lily have been upset about ? " Criinnggggg ! " Shruti slammed her hand on the snooze button and tried unsuccessfully to doze off back to sleep . Today was the first day of high school ; she was bound to run into Lily again . What would she say she wondered ? The whole summer had passed and Lily hadn 't said a word to her . She took her time getting dressed , changing at least three times . What if she just didn 't go ? Then she could delay seeing Lily again . She didn 't know what to expect and that scared her . It was first day of high school and instead of worrying about fitting in or not making any friends ; all she could think of was what her ex - best friend would say . Shruti sat down to have breakfast , but found she was too nervous to eat . I should just get it over with , she thought to herself . She took one last look in the mirror and left her house before she could change her mind . Shruti walked into her choir class that day and sat down next to two girls she didn 't know . Lily walked in and sat down on the other side of the room . She didn 't look at Shruti or anyone else . Shruti waited for Lily to look her way but it seemed Lily 's head was fixated towards their choir instructor Mr . Peters . After what felt like an hour of his lecturing he called up groups with girls to come and audition . They had to sing do re me fa so la ti do so Mr . Peters could assign them to a voice group . He called up Shruti , Lily and three other girls together . Shruti 's heart beat louder than she could think . Would Lily just keep ignoring her ? When it was Shruti 's turn to sing she felt her checks turning red , she had never auditioned before in her life . " Don 't worry , I 'll hum with you . " Lily said , smiling . It was the first words she had said to Shruti since middle school had ended . Although it wasn 't an explanation , Shruti 's heart felt light and she sung at the top of her lungs , " do re me fa so la ti doo . " My older brother would grab me by the neck and walk me like a dog on a leash to school every morning , that particular day he didn 't . I got out of our tiny bathroom and stepped into the kitchen to find he 'd already left . I wasn 't late , he was just impatient . My mom told me I didn 't have to go to school that day , or if I wanted to I 'd have to wait for her and my baby sister to get ready . She didn 't want to leave her alone with my uncle , not after what he had done to me . My mom hadn 't even brushed her teeth yet and Monisha , my baby sister , was still sleeping . " Ami ajkay eka eka jabo ₁ , " I told my mom . She was hesitant at first , but in the end she caved , and let me go to school alone . I was super ready that day , more ready than I 've ever been . She told me not to walk through the park , " go straight to 4th avenue first then walk to school from there , " she said . So I walked to school by myself for the first time that day . I locked the front door of my tiny house in Sunset Park and walked to the left , past the little quarter machines where I would buy little rubber balls for my collection , past the deli and grocery on the corner where my friend Iftu claims he once bought me an orange bag of chips , past the pizzeria where they had the biggest cookies I 've ever seen for only 1 dollar , and I crossed the street . I walked under the Brooklyn Expressway over - bridge on 3rd avenue and then crossed the street again when I got to the corner of 34th and 3rd . The basketball courts were empty . I felt like I was the only person awake at this early hour . I walked from one corner to the next , diagonally to cut the distance . I remember thinking , if I blinked all the events of the world would change and no one would know because no one knows the future , and so I blinked , again and again and every time I would be in a different world . I walked up to 4th avenue and started towards 30th street where my school was located . There was a cop car . I noticed it as soon as I got to the avenue . The car moved slowly . I knew they were following me , or least I thought they were . Half a block from P . S . 172 they turned on their sirens ; I pretended I didn 't hear it and kept walking . One of the cops opened the car door and called me over . I was so scared , I thought they were going to take me to jail for walking to school alone . At that moment I was so angry with my brother for leaving me that morning , if he hadn 't been so impatient I wouldn 't have to feel this way right now , I wouldn 't be a criminal . I didn 't walk over to the car because I never trusted cops , till this day I don 't . They asked me where I was going , how old I was , and why I was walking alone . It 's not like they didn 't know where I was headed ; my school was only a couple of feet away . Stupid cops , I thought , they just wanted to make an issue about it because I 'm a little kid and I 'm easy to pick on . My whole body was trembling when I told them I was only 6 , they asked me to step inside the car . I didn 't move . I didn 't want to be in the same car as two male cops , I didn 't trust men , and my parents always told me not to get into a car with anyone . I just stood there like a deer in headlights . There was a woman walking ahead of me who was taking her child to school , he was probably in kindergarten . She was Hispanic , her hair was dark brown and her skin fair . I remember I thought she was beautiful , like an angel . She offered to walk me to school since she was going there anyway , and I was walking alone . I didn 't wait for the cops to agree I just ran up to her and thanked her . She had saved me from going to jail . I was so relieved ; I felt like I could breathe again . I walked up the stairs to my class only to be pulled out again by my first grade teacher , Ms . Varote . She took me to the auditorium and sat me down . First she started pacing then with great difficulty she sat down , and turned her face towards me . As soon as I saw it I was terrified again , more so than I was of the cops earlier . Her face was as red as a cherry , she looked liked the Pillsbury doughboy blown up to ten times his size . Her curly blond messy hair looked as if it was dripping wet with sweat . She yelled at me till no end , I thought she might hit me ; with one hit I was sure I would be dead looking at the size of her . Her hand was double the size of my head ! Her cheeks got redder and redder by the second , and her head shook violently as she blurted out words I didn 't understand . I don 't know if she was yelling at me in Italian or I was just too scared to understand the actual words . Her mouth opened so wide when she yelled , my whole head could probably be the size of her bite . I cried and wiped my tears with the sleeve of my worn - out - navy - blue sweater that used to be my brother 's . After awhile I couldn 't even bare to look at her anymore , I just shut my eyes and cried . I don 't know how much time past , but after she stopped yelling at me , she told me to stay there and wait for her . She came back within a minute , took me back to class , and hated me for the rest of the year .
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Posted on June 20 , 2017 by lucwatelet Reply The clouds were low and dark , heavy really , you might say , as if hiding something with evil intentions . Jeff was walking briskly a late fall afternoon , somewhat anxious , glancing at the sky furtively and often . From the outside , it might have appeared as though he felt stalked . He accelerated his pace , leaving traces of steam with each exhale , vaguely regular , which may have been SOS smoke signals if you knew Morse code . Jeff had been in the military . He never liked talking about it . He lost too many friends and people under his command . Not that he felt guilty . He had done his best , more than his best . He was just tired of explaining . He was tired that he 'd had to be responsible for men and women who would end up dying no matter what he did . He carried each and every one in his heart . He loved them all . He vowed to never ever forget anyone , not by talking about them , but by remembering them , as if in subtle forms of prayers , keeping them alive in his thoughts . He remembered their names , their nicknames , and what made them who they were , little quirks or a particular sense of humor , and sometimes their bouts of anger or fear that made them oh ! so human . A few more steps and Jeff entered the café he frequented almost daily , remaining self - absorbed , at least to an outsider . He did not need to look around to know who was new at the tables . Years of duty gives one that extra sense ; the discernment between the familiar and the not so familiar . Hence , he noticed , without looking , a young woman between two men , fidgeting with a straw . The men were unfamiliar . The people at the other tables and the café staff were all familiar . The young woman fell somewhere in between . But why did she feel familiar ? He knew he 'd never met her . He felt in his chest a yearning pain , and a dull cramp in his stomach . He asked for his usual to Alex , the barista . All the tables were busy and yet Jeff sat at his table . Skip was there . Gray haired man , with a mustache , steal eyes , yet a strange softness in them , or was it a resignation ? He stood up and nodded briefly at Jeff before going to sit at a table next to the young woman . " Be my guest ! " she said . Jazz had curly blond dyed hair with gray roots . She wore a dark jacket over a pale green blouse . Her makeup was precise , if only a tad overdone . " Some people like to draw , " she said out loud , then she waited a little longer than expected . Skip thought she was done , turned to the table next to his and looked at the young woman , who also looked at him . The two men around her remained engaged in conversation . " I like to eavesdrop , and write what I hear , " continued Jazz , so everyone could hear . And she laughed indicating it was a joke , or perhaps it was her natural sarcasm . Skip stopped looking at the young woman to answer the older woman , but she was deep into her writing . So he looked back at the young woman and smiled , and she smiled too , as a response to what Jazz had just said . Everyone knew Drew 's story . Her mother Diana went through a terrible divorce some twenty years earlier and Robert Johnston kidnapped their daughter and disappeared . Diana was irate and desperate . Jeff knew the story very well because Diana had paid him to find Drew . Diana was Tracey 's daughter who died under his watch . He felt it was his duty to help one of his beloved soldiers ' family member . He 'd found Drew almost immediately , about 1 , 200 miles away . He was ready to kidnap her to bring her back to her mom . But he overheard a conversation between father and daughter that changed his mind . Robert had offered Drew a chance to choose between him and her mother because he did not want to cause her any pain . He had tears in his eyes when he said , " If you choose your mom , I may not see you again until you 're 16 or 18 . It 's up to you ! " Drew wanted to stay with him . That day , duty , which came from his mindset , and his heart were in conflict for the first time . His wish to respect a young person 's free will prevailed . It tore him up inside . He went back to Diana and told her the truth . She yelled at him and swore she 'd never want to see him again . He knew the feeling of an angry woman . " Gertrude , " he thought . Drew continued , " When I was 16 , he told me he was grateful that he had me and he could not hold a grudge against mom because he would not have had me without her . So , he put the two of us in touch . I called her . She cried on the phone . But I could not forgive her as easily as dad could . I was scared of her . So I accepted to talk with her on the phone but I did not want to see her in person . Not yet . But then she became ill , so I came . I came with body guards . She pointed to the two men around her with her face . " Drew did not look anything like Diana . Nor did she look anything like Tracey . " So why does she look familiar ? " Jeff wondered . He instinctively did not look directly at her as if to protect himself . Not just that she might know who he was while he did not yet know who she was . But if she came with ill intentions , to look at her would open the door for an interaction that would put him at a disadvantage . Suddenly , she was standing at his table , looking straight at him . Her eyes wide . A faint smile . " I hope you enjoyed your last cup of coffee , " she said . " Your great grandmother , Gertrude , wanted to sleep with me and I said no . Not many refuse such offers in the military . You can imagine , she felt deeply insulted . She asked me if I was engaged . I said I was . She asked me who it was , if she could see a picture . I said I did not have one . So she thought I was lying . She thought I was rejecting her . In truth , I did have a picture , here it is … " And Jeff showed the young woman an old wrinkled black and white photo of a young female soldier and him , with the name Natalie and the year 1959 hand written on the back . Jeff continued , " But Natalie did not see me that way and I did not wish to bring more discomfort between us by drawing attention to my love for her publicly . I was deeply committed , heart and mind , and I could not get myself to be with any other woman . " " It 's okay , " Jeff whispered , " It 's a good way to go , by the side of the great granddaughter of a woman who once wanted me . No regrets . " Jeff took his last breath , a peaceful one . The medics came in . The clouds had lifted outside . It was getting dark and the sky reflected orange and purple colors . Inside the café , everyone had gathered around Jeff . The medics took control . People made a circle around them to let the process happen . People had made a circle but remained quiet . There was not much to share . Many people knew Jeff , but few had talked with him . Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply Sonia came to my office one day , devastated . I have permission to tell her story . And I have Makeet 's as well . I have only omitted details that do not change the deeper understanding , like their real names , where they live , where they work , and who they know . I had just come into my office that day when Sonia burst in and started to cry . She came in , apparently skipping by the front desk and the introductory form , and it did not seem like the time to start with bureaucratic details . I took a breath and switched my focus to her crying . It felt like a release . Some dam had opened up and the waters were rushing forth now , finally freed from some burden … I waited . " I had to come and see someone … do you think you can help me ? … I knew there were therapists in this building but I did not know which one could help me . When I saw you outside walking toward this building , you looked so sure of yourself … and I feel so unsure of myself … I just followed you … Then you entered your office … so here I am … Do you think that 's strange ? … Can you help me ? " She said everything she had in mind as though it was my role to sort it all out … to make sense out of it . " I am sorry that I look like this . I didn 't dress up today or put my makeup on … I am overwhelmed and things that used to matter don 't seem as important today . " Her statement was congruent with her demeanor . Although she came in with little care for her appearance , she carried herself like someone well to do . She signed the informed consent letter . I decided to postpone taking her family history . Her story was fresh in her mind and this was the best time to hear it , when she was still emotional , when she had not had a chance to fit it into something meaningful . I invited her to tell her story . " He came out of nowhere … he walked toward me … I knew he was going to snatch my purse … I saw it in my mind … When he snatched it , it felt like I 'd been waiting for him to do that … It felt like … you know when you wait for the train at the station and you wait and the train arrives and you get in … just like that … like he was the train and my purse was just waiting for him … But then I snapped out of this vision , I shot him - I always have a gun with me , it 's registered and everything - I only wanted to wound him so he 'd slow down and the police could get him … and I called the police . " " Running … Yes … It 's like a dream … but I cannot quite make it … it feels so real … more like a memory … Oh ! my gosh look at me , I 'm crying ! " she said and stopped talking . " Yes … I can see it clearly like a movie of my life … I shoot him … while he is running away … I shoot him … one single shot and he falls down … dead . I am running so fast … and I kneel to feel his breath … I kiss him and kiss him and he does not breathe … . He does not take a breath … I kiss him like we used to … I don 't want to lose him … But he is gone … I shot him … kissing him does not do anything and I cry . I 'm angry with him . I scream : ' Why did you run away ? I gave you everything ! Why ? Why did you make me shoot you ? Now I have lost you ! ' I leave my purse with him ; it 's too late now … I would have given him anything - my god , I loved him so … And I cry so hard , holding him while his blood soaks my clothes … I don 't care … I don 't care … there 's nothing to care about anymore … I could die right now with him … " Sonia was suddenly introspective . " Wait ! … There 's more … My clothes ! " she said with surprise , " I see my clothes … they 're not what I usually wear … " " They look like old fashioned clothes , " she said . " It feels so real … We have slaves … My husband and I have a sugar cane plantation … My husband is never home … I am in love with one of our young slaves . He is strong , always singing … he never looks down … We make love often in the afternoon … I give him everything … " Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply He was throwing the seeds to the winds and watching them swirl around and fall where they would . He was laughing joyfully at this , seeing how the winds danced with the seeds and the seeds let themselves be danced with . Then his mother came and raised her voice : " Son , " she said sternly , " we are not that rich that you can waste the seeds as you do ! You need to learn to put them in the ground so they will grow so we can feed ourselves and feed the village . That is our responsibility ! If you don 't learn this , you will never amount to anything and I will have failed as your mother ! " " Son ! " The father said , " I am worried about you . You are a headache to your mother and me ! You are a dreamer and that won 't get you anywhere … You cannot just live randomly ! You need structure and discipline and hard work to make a living ! We are farmers ! That 's what we are ! That 's what you are ! So do as your mother says … learn your trade or else you 'll never make a living ! " The little boy went to his room feeling very alone and scared that he would never amount to anything , that his parents were right , that he was such a disappointment to everyone … and he felt much shame within him . He fell asleep crying and asked Life to give him the strength to be a good boy , to make his parents proud . He always talked to Life like other people talk to God because he could touch life , he could touch the seeds , feel the winds , he had a connection with it . The following day he went to the fields and promised his mother he would do as she said . He was filled with a sense that it would not be so hard to plant the seeds as his mother told him and as his father wanted . He was filled with the kind of resolve that made him feel he was a good boy and he would make his parents proud . So he started planting the seeds as he was told , dutifully and carefully , saying caring words to each one . He would say to one : " You will grow strong and tall and soothe the hearts of many people ! " Then he would cover it with dirt and say out loud : " Dirt ! Be good to the seed , she has so many people to love . " And to another : " You will be so beautiful that no one will eat your fruit , but everybody seeing you will be blessed with happiness ! ' And he continued like this feeling content . Suddenly , his mother called him and raised her voice : " Son ! Don 't you see that all this time you are taking is just a waste of time ? How many seeds have you planted so far ? How many do you have left to plant ? You 'll never amount to anything ! You 're just a waste of my time ! " The little boy went into the woods and started to cry feeling hopeless . He had done his best and he was still a disappointment to his mother . He 'd envisioned so much pride in her and it was not happening . He was feeling like a horrible little boy and was filled with shame . He lost track of time and arrived late for supper . His mother told him there was no supper for him because he was late . She sent him to his bedroom . She said he had a rebel streak in him and he needed to learn a lesson . The little boy did not say a word . He went to his bedroom . He did not even cry . He was numb . And his heart was heavy . He did not even think to talk to Life like the previous night . In the morning , he had a hard time waking up . His mother yelled at him a few times to get up and then gave up . When he got up , he gave himself breakfast and went out to the woods and walked aimlessly , alone . He did not even come home for lunch . When he got home for supper , he was silent . His mother yelled something about worrying her all day . His father told him if he could not follow a simple task they could no longer help him . Many days passed and nothing much changed . The little boy no longer felt the seeds in his hands , and no longer talked to them . He no longer laughed watching how the winds danced with the seeds and the seeds enjoyed being danced with before they fell softly on the ground , giddy with love . Many days passed alone . Not even alone , just empty , like he did not have a self anymore ; nothing . Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply Ann looked up . No clouds . The moon was bright and full . Ann never tired of looking at the moon . The moon seemed like a soothing face . Ann noticed the stars , each one alone and each one reflecting light from millions of years ago , some of these stars perhaps long gone and yet … present to her now . She saw the Great Bear by the horizon . She thought : " What if , from far away , human beings too were seen as lights ? Each one unique and reflecting one 's truth , and groups of human beings seen as constellations . " She wondered which constellation she belonged to . In that moment , magically , she knew that she and Jack belonged to two different constellations . Ann 's cell phone rang . She did not pick up . She was taking a walk on her lunch break . Some falling leaves brushed her face . She looked up . The light was piercing and bright through maple tree branches and leaves . As Ann moved her eyes down , still out of focus , she saw it all as a painting and noticed that the pattern of shapes and colors all belonged perfectly together . Stars and Autumn leaves filled her heart . She knew she belonged to a constellation of people . She did not yet know which one , but she knew it would come to her and she no longer was scared to be alone . On her way back to work she checked her cell phone . At noon she had a call from school . She needed to pick up Jeffrey . It was about his dad . He 'd been screaming and the counselor had spent much time with him . She had tried to remind him that his dad had gone on a business trip as he had before , and Jeffery told her she was lying . Ann took time off from work to spend the afternoon with her son . She 'd never done this . She 'd been so devoted to work like others are to their church … and now she felt so disinterested … she just belonged somewhere else . When Ann picked up Jeffrey , he 'd already calmed down . The counselor was trying to explain that he had been very agitated , unmanageable , that she had to call … Ann smiled , took her hand in hers , and looked into her eyes : " Jeffrey is right ! We lied to him … We lied because we did not think he could take it … but really it was because I could not take it … We did not tell you either . I was not ready . I did not think you needed to know right away . I am sorry . I am truly sorry about what happened this morning and what you had to deal with . Can you forgive me ? I need to go … I 'd like to spend some time with Jeffrey . " The counselor was stunned . Her mind was still trying to argue that she could not explain how Jeffrey had calmed down so suddenly . Her mind was processing the new information . And then she realized she needed to answer Ann 's question : " Sure ! Sure ! You need to be with Jeffrey ! We 'll talk some other time ! " They drove to the ice cream store . As Ann finished parking her car , Jeffrey told her he loved her and gave her a hug . Ann felt tears coming to her eyes . " So you know your dad is not on a business trip ? " Ann whispered in her son 's ear . " Karl Park , here , asked me to read this eulogy for him . Some of you may know Karl . Here is what he wishes you to know . " Jerry was playing cards all day , in silence , a cigarette burning his lips and eyes permanently squinting , which served him well at poker . He read silence like no one I knew . Not only did he detect a player 's bluff a mile away , he could tell his cards before they were laid down . He had little use for words . Also , I never saw him use a match or a lighter as he always lit his first cigarette from the flame of the gas stove in the morning , and then each cigarette from the previous one after that . Starting around 12 , he was stealing Marlboro 's from uncle Tits . He switched to Camel 's when he could buy his own . He learned to play cards in the Korean War and then on the job , in the Northwest Territories , with other gold or diamond miners . There rarely was much else to do after work , aside from going out to town once a week . He said no woman would live with an old man who 'd been a bachelor all is life . Not one bit of bitterness mind you . I think he was just content , set in his own ways , and he liked his quiet space ; he wouldn 't want anyone to disturb that , not even a woman . " I didn 't know Jerry from his talking except for one story . Jerry 's uncle 's real name was Dick for those of you who didn 't know . Dick wasn 't married so his teenage nephews joked about his manhood . Jerry called him Tits one day and the name was disclosed openly by accident and it stuck . Of course later Jerry understood better about being a bachelor and that it did not mean anything about one 's manhood , but it was too late . " As some of you know , for the last three years Jerry has invited me home with him . But perhaps very few of you know how that happened . He was very private and perhaps laughed inwardly at the rumors that came of it . Our camels - dromedaries really , but everyone calls them camels here - walk us across the infinite sand . Our companions fled when we were warned of bandits . She had told us we were safe despite appearances . The bandits did leave us alone . Life has become unpredictable to me . It did not use to be this way . Everything was so easy until I tried to be true to myself . She felt familiar to me when I first saw her . I had a tingly sensation in my chest and a feeling … an experience of recognition like meeting an old friend , or was it a long lost lover ? Since we dressed in desert clothes , including a veil , I could draw no more hints from her looks to help me remember her . Only the sound of her voice teases my curiosity . Imagination , like mirages , plays with my mind . I imagine her in ways I would not want her to know , at least not without being more acquainted . Before I can tell her of my thoughts , she continues , “… of course , once we make love , you 'll stop seeing me as I am … You 'll dream of making love again , and you 'll start being scared of losing me . Trust wouldn 't last . " And so I trust her . " When I lost everything , I first felt freedom . I had a new chance at finding meaning in life . I saw a therapist to find out who I am . She listened . One day she told me I should stop therapy , get back to my former line of work and to my former wife . Every fiber of my being screamed that she did not know me . I did not know how to tell her my truth . I did not know how to say she had gotten me wrong when I did not know what was right . " " Listen to your words ! When the therapist urged you to return to your meaningless life you knew she did not speak to your truth , so you weren 't lost ! She gave you back to yourself . " Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply A woman , dressed , barely , talks with the driver of a Mercedes Benz . The license plate reads Hank Jr . They take off toward the church and the abandoned house at the end of the street . A painter sketches the scene from the sidewalk . He includes the hooker , blurred , in the foreground . In the background , he sketches the church , well cared for , but unattended , and the abandoned house next to it , vibrant with life due to vines and other growths . A few feet from him , his four year - old son uses ice cream on his face like an abstract painter uses paint on canvas . A businessman shares a table with a woman in business attire , just enough make - up , and subtly died hair dropping to her shoulders . She compliments him on his tie , not an uncommon one . He acknowledges the compliment , taking his time looking at her , and decides on the Scampi , she , a Caesar salad with extra anchovies . Later he will call her to let her know she got the job . He will ask her out to dinner . She will hesitate … to change the power dynamic . " I guess we do , " she will say , leaving her paddle on the table . " Thank you for the call ! " she will add and hang up . The phone will ring again . It will echo in her empty apartment . She will have already stepped out for a walk in the evening breeze . They first met in astronomy class . During a break Elianne complimented Frederick on a question he 'd asked the teacher . They enjoyed talking and went out for dinner . After , they walked each other home . First to her apartment ; then to his , a couple of miles away . They ended up walking back to the university campus where they sat on a bench to watch the night fall . " Once , " she said while another dialogue was taking place within her . Her heart was telling her mind how much she loved this man ; his freedom , his nonchalant disrespect for common practices - no … not disrespect - just no compulsion to follow them . She admired that . Where did he come from ? " I was born on Earth like you , from human parents . But I really come from the Pleiades . I am married there with two teenage boys . I was asked to take a vacation on Earth . Astronomy was a natural choice . " " No ! Marriage here is a contractual affair and , once married , people try to control and change each other . People say my husband , my wife , or mychildren . At home , we don 't think that way . Being married means to align oneself in support of the other on his or her path . Giving birth to children means accepting the responsibility to support them on their path . It is not about guiding them , educating them , or raising them . " Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply Sandy was driving . The traffic light was green . Everything is quiet . We 're not moving . We must have had an accident . I can 't open my eyes or extend my arms , or move anything . I feel nothing . I hear nothing . I only have my thoughts . What happened to me ? " Randy … It 's me , your sandy beach ! You must think I 'm a bitch ! That truck came out of nowhere . I tried to turn away . It was too late . By the time … You must believe me . Please forgive me . " A man plays the banjo from the street . It is nighttime . He faces a house . There are no lights coming from inside . He looks as though he 's been sleeping outside for days with the same clothes . He 's middle aged , or he may be ageless . He plays for a while , perhaps longer . A light is lit , and a bedroom window opens . A woman , a little younger , not much , pokes her head out , with laughter reserved for daytime . She comes out in her nightgown . He puts his instrument down . They hook their right pinkies together and cross over with their left hand to hook their left pinkies . They recite together : Posted on June 27 , 2013 by lucwatelet Reply People call me to fix leaks . I 'm a plumber . I have to cut into walls sometimes to replace old pipes . What I find there , you may call family secrets . Yesterday , in an old stone house , behind some crumbling plaster , I found a stack of old letters in their original envelopes tied together with hemp twine . There was a note on top : " To whoever finds these letters , " and it was signed : " Margaret Emond " . Ever since I was a little child , I stood still watching people . People appear warm and clever but are preoccupied with ambitions . They pretend to converse with motives unspoken . I find myself not caring for their presence . I distance myself as my suffering from people 's absence from their heart is too heavy to bear . I have come to be a quiet person . I cannot suppose men and women of all races and religions will treat each other with contempt forever . I long for a friendship with someone open to a true sharing of the soul . I hope you will take my confidence to heart kindly . I am making plans to visit my aging parents for the end of the year holidays . On the phone , my father asked me for a favor . He told me he needed nettle roots . He makes it into an herbal tea ; it helps lower his PSA levels and relieves pressure from his swelling prostate . He can no longer find it at the health stores near him and wondered if the stores near me would have some . My friend Mel called Chris , a farmer friend of hers , and we were soon driving to his farm . He told us there were different species of nettles . He 'd never heard of their roots being used for medicinal purposes and thought he should look into it for his own father . He directed us to a meadow where he pointed at two patches of tall brown growths . We did not have to dig too deep and large amounts of roots came with each shovelful of dirt without too much effort . In half an hour we had two tall buckets filled with roots . There was plenty more . We gave them a quick rinse and went home . I wonder about your era , Mystery Friend . Are people still bickering over racial and gender divides ? Are people celebrating life ? Are people living with passion ? Oh ! I am elated at the idea of seeing something of your world ! Washing the roots and chopping them up to get them ready for the dehydration process , I thought of my relationship with Dad . Neither he nor I are herbalists . He is a historian . He seeks for and reads old documents from archives . He pieces facts together like puzzles . He does not try to say more than the documents say . If something is missing , he keeps searching until he finds answers that make sense . I don 't live in the same world as Dad . I work hard and don 't mind getting my hands dirty . Dad and I , we do not have much in common except for fitting pieces of puzzles together ; different kinds of pieces .
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Applicants to Point Foundation and subsequent scholars , turn to Point Foundation because their families are either unable or unwilling to support them and their goals for higher education . Each student has a compelling and inspiring story of overcoming incredible obstacles and hardships . Many have been cruelly rejected by their families , forced to leave home , and cut off from all financial support . Yet Point Scholars are excelling at our nation 's most prestigious and demanding universities and colleges , while also leading in a variety of extracurricular and community service activities . " " Donations of $ 25 or over mean that you have the option of making your donation in honor of whomever you wish . So let 's celebrate Dreamspinner Press . Let 's celebrate the fact that we can publish and read quality gay fiction . Let 's celebrate the fact that we can reach out and giving a helping hand to people that need it . " Gun for hire Jed Walker doesn 't figure it for a difficult job - a simple smash and grab retrieval - except his new client doesn 't want money or goods . He wants shy , gorgeous Redford Reed , a man who turns Jed 's world upside down inside a day . He is in no way prepared to fall hard and fast for his newest assignment . Redford Reed lives his life locked in his grandmother 's house , haunted by a terrible curse and watching the world pass him by until Jed shows up , sent by a man who will stop at nothing to claim Redford as his own . Teaming up with Jed is Redford 's only chance at survival , but as the violence escalates , so does the tension between them . Even though they each finally have something to live for , now it 's going to take all Jed 's skill and every bit of courage Redford has just to stay alive . Quinn Taylor is up to his neck in grief and frustration dealing with a neighboring rancher who wants nothing more than to see him go belly - up . He doesn 't need more complications , but from the moment he lays eyes on Lorcan , his world turns upside down . Despite finding in Quinn what his heart craves , Lorcan refuses to be Quinn 's dirty little secret - and Quinn isn 't the only one vying for Lorcan 's attention . Ranch hand Jess will happily declare his love for Lorcan to the world , something Quinn won 't offer - something Lorcan needs above all else . Quinn 's Need ~ A Whispering Pines Ranch Novel ( Book 2 ) It 's been a year since Lorcan James left Whispering Pines Ranch , and Quinn Taylor has barely recovered . Only two things keep him from falling into the abyss of despair : his work at the ranch and his escape into the world of BDSM at a club called The Push . At The Push , the sound of men begging him helps drown out the bitter memory of his own voice begging Lorcan to stay . When Lorcan comes back to Pegasus , the same blistering heat simmers between them , but almost nothing has changed . Lorcan is still with Jess , the man he left the ranch with , and Quinn has captured the attention of Ty Callahan , a man who will beg Quinn for anything , anytime , and any way Quinn wants it . Despite how much he wants Lorcan , Quinn swears he 'll never beg a man again . If there 's one thing Quinn has learned the hard way , it 's that not even begging can fill love 's aching need . Ty Callahan knew Quinn Taylor was special the moment he first laid eyes on him . When the angry and heartbroken cowboy finally opens up , Ty sees the real man inside , and for the first time in years , Ty is ready to love again . There 's only one problem : Lorcan James . Although Lorcan has owned a piece of Quinn 's heart for some time , Ty is convinced he is the better man for Quinn and will stop at nothing to prove it . Then Blake Henderson , a strong , dominant cowboy , strolls confidently into Ty 's life , offering an outlet for Ty 's anger , a chance to heal , and an option for his torn affections . Can Ty look beyond his feelings of rage and betrayal and find true peace , or will his obsession destroy them all ? Jake Taggart 's life was almost perfect - - he 'd worked hard to overcome his past , and he loved his job as foreman on a ranch in Arkansas . The only thorn in his side was a dark eyed cowboy named Tornado whose stubborn attitude brought frustration and confusion to Jake 's mostly happy existence . A late spring rainstorm brings out hidden passions and unleashes a chain of events neither of them expected - - and eventually brings about events that threaten to destroy them and what they worked to create . Strong wills and forceful personalities make for intense encounters . . . . but is it enough to keep love alive ? This was the first original M / M story that I read . I could have read hundreds of other books and not found one that I would adore as much as this book . Jack and Tor 's story is one of unexpected love and dealing with a gay relationship when they both have emotional baggage . James Trenchard is a dick . Everyone in Bingwell , Brock , and Bacon says so , and after Ethan 's first encounter with the man , he agrees . Ethan resolves to avoid James but ends up working closely with him and discovers the lawyer 's hiding a secret from the world . Ethan also realizes he 's falling too hard too fast . Ethan has to decide if he should help James and risk getting entangled in the mess James has gotten himself into , or move on . But walking away from love is never a simple decision to make . My friend , John Goode , asked me what I wanted for my birthday . I asked for a blog , either a Jensen Ackles - fest or thoughts of a gay man . Lovely boy that he is , John combined the two . So here it is : Think about it . Most of the characters were bisexual , even Gwen having her lesbian kiss . More than that , John Barrowman , an openly gay actor with a gorgeous boyfriend , was not exactly reticent about his lifestyle , and thank God for that . He opened my eyes to the fact that being gay is more than a chromosomal difference . Blurb : Frank Jennings is an FBI agent looking for redemption . Leslie Carlton is an Interpol agent looking for a thief . Attraction flares from the moment they meet on a case searching for a stolen triptych of unique Tiffany windows , but after a single night of stunning passion , Leslie is called back to London to continue his search there . When the case heats up again , Leslie returns to the States - and to Frank - but their investigation is complicated by their tumultuous feelings . Is it possible for two dedicated detectives to pursue each other while they 're tracking down stolen art and the unscrupulous man who steals it ? " MORNING , Mr . Temple , " a child on the sidewalk called and waved , and he waved back through the open car window before turning off Prospect Avenue and into the parking lot of the Milwaukee Conservatory of Music . Parking in his reserved spot with its small sign that the faculty had gotten him for Christmas , Jerry smiled and turned off the local classical music station before rolling up his car windows and turning off the engine . Once out of the car , Jerry walked across the lot and around to the front of what he considered to be one of the most amazing buildings in town . Still carrying his briefcase and coffee , but no longer really paying much attention to either , Jerry walked around the side of the building and stood looking at what had once been the round conservatory of the grand mansion that served as the music school 's home , and now served as their performance space . She turned and pointed to one of the high - rise buildings that surrounded them . " I live up there . Damned retirement community full of - " She paused and shuddered slightly . " - old people who do nothing but sit around and fart their lives away . My apartment has a view of your building , and I watched as you did all those wonderful restorations . It 's a good thing you did , to save this building . I remember coming here once as a child . " " Were you here when the Marsons owned it ? " Jerry asked , and he saw her nod before smiling at him and continuing on her morning walk . " Have a good day , ma ' am . " She turned and gave him another smile . " You too , young man , " she answered before continuing down the sidewalk . Jerry turned his attention back to the building . He 'd never thought that a building could become so important to him , but this one certainly had . Built at a time when the Milwaukee lakefront had been lined with grand homes like this for miles , this was one of few that remained in all of downtown , and the only one right on the bluff overlooking Lake Michigan . When he 'd been offered the post of executive director four years before , he almost hadn 't taken the job because the facilities at the school were in such bad shape . The mansion had fallen into disrepair from years of use and too little maintenance . Jerry 's first order of business , after reviewing the curriculum , had been to put together detailed architectural and decorative plans to renovate and restore the building . That had turned out to be the easy part . The hard part had been how to pay the multimillion - dollar price tag . Jerry cringed as he remembered standing in front of the board to present his plan . " We all agree , " the board chairman had said , " something must be done , but how do we pay for it ? " He 'd looked to the other board members , and they all had the same look of resignation . " I suppose we 'll have to sell the windows . " Heads bobbed , and a look of sadness came over each and every board member . One of the highlights of the once - grand mansion was a set of three large Tiffany " dogwood " windows that decorated the landing of the main staircase . They were stunning , and it had nearly broken Jerry 's heart , as well as the board 's , to think of selling . " I hope it doesn 't come to that , " Jerry had answered . " I took the liberty of calling the Milwaukee Journal , and they have agreed to do an article on our plans for the renovations . With your permission , I 'd like to share our plans with them as well as our plight . I 'm hoping that somehow we can raise the money we need without selling the windows . I 'd like to ask that we hold off on a decision for a few months . " The board had agreed , the newspaper article had led to a television interview , and the money began to flow in . What had surprised everyone , including Jerry , was that while they got some large contributions , they also got many , many small donations from ordinary people throughout town , people who had never had a connection to the school , but who wanted to help save the windows . Within a few months , they had the money to begin work , and within a year , they 'd reached their goal . And Jerry had remained front and center in their campaign to " Save the Tiffanys . " At the completion of the renovations , the newspaper had done a long article on the entire saga , as well as some of the things they 'd found while doing the work , such as an incredible hand - blown chandelier inside a boarded - up fireplace . At the unveiling , the conservatory had invited all the donors , big and small , to an open house , and thousands of people had shown up . Jerry and his staff had spent the entire day proudly giving tours of the building that concluded with a trip up the staircase to see the windows that they 'd not only helped to save , but had given enough money that the conservatory had been able to have the windows themselves restored and strengthened as part of the renovation . That day had been one of the most amazing and incredible days of Jerry 's life . Turning away from the building , Jerry 's thoughts turned back to the day 's work . Walking back around to the front of the building , Jerry listened to the birds for a second before setting down his case and unlocking the front door . He deactivated the alarm before pushing the door open . Students were already arriving behind him , and Jerry said good morning as he picked up his leather case of papers and led the way inside . As he did every morning , Jerry walked to the base of the stairs and gazed upward . But this morning , instead of light blues , rich whites tinged with pink , and long brown and black branches with delicate dogwood blossoms clinging to them , all he saw was the sky outside . Jerry stood stock still as first his case and then his cup of coffee hit the shining parquet floor . A FILE whacked harder than necessary on his desk , and Franklin looked up from where he was filling out a report . " Try not to screw up this one too badly , " his supervisor said without a hint of his usual humor , and Franklin knew exactly why . His last assignment hadn 't gone exactly according to plan , and one of the men on the team had been shot . Franklin took a deep breath and stopped himself from lashing out at the man the way every fiber in his being urged him to . What happened hadn 't been his fault , and Franklin knew it , as did everyone else , but that didn 't seem to matter - they needed someone to blame , and he was it . " Hey ! " Harvey , his supervisor , snapped , leaning close to him . " We all know you got bad information , but you messed up because you didn 't double - check the address on your way over . You could have and should have . Because you went to the wrong house first , you lost the element of surprise , and Stevens got shot . You were in charge of the operation because you asked to be , so you take the lumps . " Harvey 's expression softened a little . " Everyone messes up ; it 'll pass . " " Yeah , but not everyone messes up and gets someone shot , " Frank retorted , and that was the heart of the issue . Frank knew he 'd made a mistake , one that could have cost someone their life . Stevens didn 't blame him , but everyone else did , and more importantly , he blamed himself . " So make up for it with this one , " Harvey told him before turning and walking into his glass - walled office near the corner . Frank opened the folder and began to read . As he did , he wondered why Milwaukee PD had turned this case over to the FBI . It seemed like a simple theft . Persons unknown had stolen a set of valuable windows from the Milwaukee Conservatory of Music . Sure , the items stolen had been valuable , but that didn 't warrant an investigation by federal agents . " Thanks , Martinson . Don 't trip over your own feet , " Frank retorted with little humor . He 'd be damned if he was taking flak from the department geek . Yes , he 'd made a mistake , but Martinson was a total fool , and Frank couldn 't figure out why he was still around except that the man was great with numbers and computers , just not people . Martinson continued on his way , completely unfazed , and Frank watched as Martinson nearly fell into his chair , then looked at the floor , probably trying to figure out what he 'd tripped over . " Yes . " Frank got up and walked into Harvey 's office . " Why 'd this get bumped to us ? Looks like a straightforward theft . " Frank stood in front of Harvey 's desk . He hadn 't been invited to sit , and no one sat in Harvey 's office unless invited . Frank fidgeted slightly , knowing there was something he was missing , and it pissed him off . " There must be more to it . I saw the reports about this theft a few days ago . These windows are worth millions , but shit … who 's going to buy them ? They have to be nearly impossible to sell . You think they were stolen to order ? " " That 's what you need to find out . I need you to get down there right away . The reason we 've been called in is because this is bigger than a simple theft , or at least MPD and Interpol think so . Interpol is sending some agent of theirs , her name 's Leslie something , and she 'll meet you at the scene in half an hour . The school 's director is still pretty upset about this whole thing , so do your best not to piss the guy off . " That was Harvey 's idea of a dismissal , and Frank turned toward the door and stopped . " You can ask anything you want . Doesn 't mean I 'm going to answer , " Harvey said before turning his attention to his computer screen , beginning to swear under his breath . Frank made a hasty retreat . Everyone knew to get the hell out when Harvey tried to do anything with computers . E - mail alone was a challenge , and more than one keyboard had been thrown through his doorway . Frank grabbed his keys off his desk along with the file and headed out of the office building , driving through the heavy downtown traffic to the lakeshore . He pulled into the conservatory parking lot and got out of his blue sedan that just screamed " Federal Agent . " Walking around toward the front door , he saw what had to be a student carrying a violin and bow , and said , " I 'm looking for Mr . Temple . " " He 's in his office . " She pointed the way with the bow and then hurried up the stairs . Frank couldn 't help looking around the room before walking in the direction she 'd pointed and knocking quietly on a closed door . " Thank God , " the man responded , and he opened the door fully , indicating for Frank to come into the office . " I 've been frantic for two days , and I 'm wondering when we 'll get our windows back . " Mr . Temple motioned Frank to a chair and sat in the one opposite . " Of course . Anything to help get them returned . They were the source of inspiration for many of our students , and it seems wrong for them to be gone , " Mr . Temple said , and Frank could see he seemed genuinely upset . " Do you have pictures of the windows ? The ones in the file I received weren 't very clear . And I was wondering when you saw the windows last . " " Are there lights on that side of the building ? " Frank pulled out a pad and began taking notes . Mr . Temple got out of his chair , and Frank noticed that he was a strikingly handsome man , even if he was somewhat older than Frank usually liked . Keep your attention on the case , Frank reminded himself as he stood up as well , but he couldn 't help noticing the trim cut of Temple 's suit and his large , bright eyes . Blinking a few times , Frank cleared the lascivious thoughts and got his mind back on work . " There are , " Temple added a little sheepishly , leading him out of the office and down a hallway before opening what looked like a closet door . " When we did the renovations to the building , we had lights installed on that side of the building to illuminate the windows in the evening . " Mr . Temple pointed to a timer mounted near the electrical box . " The lights come on when it gets dark and go off at 11 : 00 p . m . , when we close the building . " He looked dejected . " To think if we wouldn 't have tried to cut costs on the lighting , we might still have our windows . " Frank wanted to reassure him , but he couldn 't , at least not yet , so he stayed quiet and kept his eyes open . " That could be the person I 'm supposed to meet . My supervisor said a woman was going to meet me here . " Frank wasn 't sure how much he should tell Mr . Temple about who he was meeting , so he kept quiet and followed Mr . Temple back down the hallway and toward the front door . Frank saw a tall man standing near the front door , and since this wasn 't who he was waiting for , he figured he 'd go around the building before Leslie arrived . He was about to head outside when the man stopped him . " Are you Frank Jennings ? " he asked in a pronounced British accent with a half smile , and when Frank nodded , the man continued , " I 'm Leslie Carlton . I believe you 're expecting me . " Frank stared . When Harvey had said Leslie , Frank had expected a woman , and Harvey obviously had as well , but instead , Frank was looking into the deepest blue eyes of the most amazingly attractive man he 'd seen in a long time . Remembering where he was and what he should be doing , Frank extended his hand . " Sorry . I 'm Frank Jennings , and this is Mr . Temple , the director of the conservatory . " Leslie shook both their hands . " What 's your interest in this , anyway ? " Frank asked after some extended silence . " Isn 't this a bit off from your usual area ? " " Yes and no , " Leslie answered as they reached the area outside below where the windows had been . " I heard about the theft on the telly when I was attending a class in forensic analysis in Chicago and thought this might be related to a case I 've been working on for years . " Leslie looked up at the building and then down at the ground . Frank did the same , but wasn 't sure what they were going to see . The theft had been two days earlier , and the local police officers had been all through this area already . " I could always send you the reports . You didn 't need to come all this way , " Frank said a little more tersely than he intended , but Leslie didn 't seem to be paying any attention . Frank figured the last thing he needed was some Brit on his tail the entire time he was trying to work . " That may not help , " Leslie finally answered before kneeling down in the grass . " Looks like at least two men , maybe three , " Leslie said as he stood up , wiping the dirt off his hands . " See those indentations in the grass ? " Leslie said , pointing at marks Frank could barely see . " That 's where they placed one of the stepladders , and here 's where they placed the other . Probably strung a plank between them , and that 's what they stood on to remove the windows . Lucky thing they didn 't fall apart , which probably means they knew how to handle the windows . " Leslie looked back up toward the vacant space where the windows had been . " Hundred - year - old windows like that will fall apart if they aren 't handled with a lot of care , and since there aren 't bits of glass all over the turf , it 's a good guess they got the windows down in one piece . Probably had frames made so they could carry them . " Without further comment , Leslie walked toward the parking lot . " Probably parked about here , " Leslie added , looking back toward the building , and Frank felt a bit like the newbie he was as he trailed behind the other man like some sort of puppy dog . " With the lights behind here off , and the tree here , this area would be dark and perfect for loading the windows . " " How do you know all this ? " Frank finally got up the courage to ask . He wasn 't particularly interested in showing his own inexperience with things like this . " I 've been working cat burglar and art - theft cases for close to ten years . I 've seen all kinds of thefts , some definitely more clever than others . This one took some logistical prowess , but as long as they had cover , the street traffic masked any noise they made . Shall we have a look inside to see what that can tell us ? " Frank nodded , and they walked back toward the front door of the music school . " Don 't take this the wrong way , but I 'm surprised they don 't have a more senior man on a case like this . " Frank 's hackles raised , and then he looked at Leslie 's face and saw no malice , only curiosity . " I guess you usually handle bigger things than this . Sorry you 're stuck with me , " Frank added sarcastically . Frank didn 't know what the hell Leslie was saying . " Let 's go inside . " Frank wanted to get this over with as soon as possible . Leslie could look at whatever he wanted , and then Frank could get to work hunting down the people who 'd taken the windows , and Leslie could get back on a plane to jolly old England . Frank led the way into the building and up the stairs to the landing . The opening where the windows had been had glass on the inside , and Frank could see where the leaded windows had once been , as well as where the outer protective layer of glass had been . " It looks like they took the outer glass as well as the leaded windows , " Frank commented , and Leslie gave him a quizzical look . " Because , as you said , there was no broken glass outside . They must have taken off both the outer glass and the windows themselves , along with part of the casing . There 's an alarm in the building , and the police report said that Mr . Temple deactivated the alarm normally that morning . " Leslie nodded and continued looking at the window casing . " Good thinking . They were careful and knew what in bloody hell they were doing , that 's for sure . " " True , " Leslie said as he stood back up . " But that alone tells us something . These people were professionals . They had been here to look over the building at least once , and probably more than that . My guess is that they were even inside the building at one point . Then they would have seen the way the windows were mounted and realized that taking them out from the outside was easier than from the inside . " " The police checked out the students , " Frank offered . " Wait a minute , if they were inside , they could have attended some kind of performance . " Frank hurried down the stairs and along the hallway to Mr . Temple 's office , knocking quickly before entering . " Have you had any performances lately ? " " Yes . We have recitals quite regularly , " Mr . Temple answered , standing up to open a file drawer . He searched for a few moments and then handed Frank a few pamphlets . " These are the programs from the recitals we 've held in the last six months . " " Of course , " Frank answered , and he led the way to his car , unlocking the doors . Once they were both inside , Frank started the engine and made his way back through traffic to the office . In the lobby , he helped Leslie procure a visitor 's badge , and they rode in the " lift , " as Leslie called it , to his floor . Leslie followed him to Harvey 's office , and Frank made introductions before providing a verbal report of what they 'd found . " Can we speak privately ? " Leslie asked Harvey , and Frank stepped out of the office , closing the door behind him . Walking to his desk , Frank watched Leslie and Harvey talking inside the office . Frank knew what they were talking about , and once they were done , Frank expected that Leslie would have requested - how had he put it ? - a more senior man on this case . Placing the programs in the file with the other materials , Frank settled in his chair and began typing his notes into a report to add to the file . But as he worked , he found his attention drawn to the glass walls of Harvey 's office . Frank had seen how attractive Leslie was , but he 'd had his mind on the case . Now , watching him as he spoke , what he saw was mostly from the back , but what a back it was . Even in the suit he was wearing , Frank could see the man 's broad shoulders . At one point , Leslie slipped off his coat , and Frank got a glimpse of a nice butt encased in suit pants . " What 's got you so captivated ? " Martinson asked as he stopped by Frank 's desk . " Who 's the guy with Harvey ? " Frank breathed a sigh of relief that Martinson thought he was just curious as opposed to lusting over the other man . The bureau itself was tolerant , but the other guys were a completely different matter . Frank had heard enough derogatory remarks over the year he 'd been in the office to know to keep his personal life to himself and not let on that he was interested in guys . He wouldn 't lie outright , but he wasn 't going to volunteer anything , either . " Leslie Carlton , he 's with Interpol . " Frank did not elaborate on his suspicions about what they were talking about . He 'd get the news soon enough , and Martinson would probably stop by to rub it in again . Besides , while he might be attracted to the guy , and Leslie pushed all Frank 's buttons , that didn 't mean Leslie was even interested , or that Frank would actually be seeing him again after today . Frank continued watching Leslie , and eventually Martinson went on his way . Frank found he was fascinated with the way Leslie 's body moved , gracefully , like the way he thought a dancer or gymnast might move . When he saw Harvey 's attention shift outside the windows of his office , Frank lowered his eyes , pulled himself out of his momentary daydream , and got back to his report . " Jennings , " Harvey bellowed over the noise in the room , and while Frank didn 't look , he knew every head in the room had just shifted to look at him . And he knew they were wondering what he 'd done now . One mistake , and you were branded a screw - up for life . Well , maybe not , but there were times it felt that way . Frank stood up , grabbed the case file off his desk , and walked to Harvey 's office , where he was ushered inside and the door closed behind him . This time Frank was motioned toward a chair , and he sat opposite Leslie while Harvey sat at his desk . " It seems we may have more than just a simple theft here , and Leslie has asked and I 've agreed … . " " Frank , are you listening ? " Harvey said , and he realized both men were looking directly at him . " Like I said , Leslie has asked to be a part of your case , and I 've agreed to let him work with you for the duration . He has a number of insights that will be invaluable in returning the stolen windows to their rightful owners . " Harvey 's expression softened a little , and Frank wondered why . " Leslie tells me that you have some interesting insights about the case . " " Well , yes . I think the thieves had to have scoped out the inside as well as the outside of the building . " Frank opened the case file and pulled out the programs . " These are the recitals they 've held over the last six months , and I think those would be a great place to start . If I was a thief and I wanted to scope out a place like that without being noticed , I 'd blend into a crowd . And what would be better than a recital for getting into the building largely unnoticed ? " Frank felt pretty proud of himself . Leslie might have figured out what had happened , at least in part , but Frank at least had an idea for going forward . " Well , if you 've ever been to a recital , " Frank began - he 'd been to plenty of his sister 's when they were kids - " every father takes a video of the performance for posterity . I thought I 'd ask the director for some of the parents who habitually make videos , and maybe we might see something unusual . If we do , we can run it through facial recognition and see if we get a hit . I know it 's a bit of a longshot … . " Frank wasn 't sure it would pan out , but it was the only idea he could come up with . There was remarkably little evidence to go on , and much of it had been compromised by the local police and normal operation of the school , at least as far as the actual crime scene went , but that was to be expected after a few days . " Go ahead and get on it . I 'll let Leslie , here , fill you in on the other aspects of the case , " Harvey explained , and Frank took that as a dismissal . Standing up , he opened the office door and stepped outside , with Leslie right behind him . Frank didn 't know what that meant , but he did his best to keep his attention on the case , as opposed to the way Leslie 's smile sent a fluttery feeling through his gut . " Back to the conservatory . I hope Mr . Temple can give us a few leads on where to start with recital videos . " " I hope so . It would be a real cock - up if we had to run down the parents of every student , " Leslie said in his heavy accent . It made everything Leslie said sound sexy as hell . Frank reminded himself that he had no idea if Leslie liked guys , and he certainly had no intention of ever getting involved with anyone he worked with , even marginally . After making their way back to the elevators , they rode down to the parking level and got into Frank 's car , then headed back out in traffic . Thankfully , Mr . Temple was able to give them the names of a number of " videophile " parents , along with their addresses . Frank and Leslie spent much of the rest of the morning and afternoon running all over town , and by the end of the day , they had almost a dozen different tapes of various recitals . One of the parents had taken video at almost every one , while most had taken only some of them . " There has to be a solid week 's worth of video here , " Frank said as they headed back toward the office in the early evening . " This is going to take longer than I thought . " " No . I have a good player at my place , " Frank offered . " We could get some dinner and go there . I don 't have the enhancement capabilities that we have at the office , but if we see something , we can note it and look at it in more depth here at the office tomorrow . Where are you staying while you 're in town ? " " I hadn 't arranged for a hotel . I wasn 't expecting to be here until I saw the spot on the telly . I was supposed to go back to London after the conference tomorrow , but this could be the break I 've been looking for . Could we pick up my bag at the train station ? I 'll arrange for a hotel . " " I don 't want to be a bother , " Leslie said , though Frank was already guiding the car toward the train station . Out in front , Frank pulled up to the curb , and Leslie walked into the station , returning a few minutes later pulling a wheeled suitcase behind him . Frank popped the trunk , and Leslie put the bag inside . " I asked the attendant at the counter and showed him my badge . I think he took pity on me because of my accent and let me put the bag in his office . I 'm surprised you don 't have lockers at the stations like we do in Europe , " Leslie said once he 'd gotten back in the car . Frank shrugged , not really wanting to explain the post - terrorist overreactions that the entire country had gone through for the last decade . " Over the past ten years , " Leslie began , " there have been a number of thefts of Tiffany windows , mostly from mausoleums in New York , but some in London , Paris , and elsewhere in Europe . On the surface , they don 't seem related , and the thefts themselves probably aren 't . Except that more often than not , when we do catch the thieves , we find that the goods are already out of the country and have been sold . " " But one name keeps coming up again and again : Koshigawa . Most of the trails of these stolen windows lead to him in some roundabout way . The problem is that Japan has property laws that he hides behind . We call it the two - year rule . In Japan , if you purchased property and you 've had it for two years , and it turns out to be stolen , you get to keep it regardless . Koshigawa hides behind this rule , and has amassed a huge collection of art , including Tiffany windows . The bastard has a house built of glass outside Osaka so he can display them . He calls it his museum . I 've personally tracked more than a dozen windows stolen from collections in Europe back to him , but each and every time , the Japanese authorities claim the two - year rule , and we can 't get near him . " Leslie got more and more excited as he talked . " Last year , I investigated the theft of a huge , three - meter - tall waterfall window that came out of a family collection in Vienna . I tracked it as far as an antique dealer outside Paris who has a history of selling suspect items . I missed recovering the window by less than a week . " Frustration filled Leslie 's voice . " Exactly . The address turned out to be a front company that received the shipment and then promptly closed up shop and completely disappeared . There has been nothing since , and how much do you want to bet that in a little more than a year , it will show up in someone 's collection , probably Koshigawa 's , and there 'll be bollocks we can do about it . " " I 've never heard of him actually contracting a specific theft . He 's usually just a buyer , " Leslie continued , " but I have no doubt that he would love to get his hands on the windows that were stolen . A triptych of windows that are intact and have never been on the market could be too much for him to resist . It 's like the Holy Grail to him . " Leslie shifted in the passenger seat . " I want this bastard bad . He 's a thief just as much as the people who steal the windows in the first place , because he and those like him help provide the market that drives this type of theft . " Frank pulled up in front of his house and parked his car , turning off the engine . " Then we need to catch the thieves before the windows can be sold and shipped out of the country , because as you said , once they leave , they 're beyond us to recover . " Frank got out of the car and walked around to the trunk . After pulling out Leslie 's suitcase , he lifted out the box of videotapes and DVDs before closing the trunk and leading Leslie up the walk to his small house . " This is really nice , " Leslie commented once they were inside . Frank opened the windows throughout the house to let the lake breeze flow through . Then he led Leslie upstairs and showed him the guest room . " You can stay here until you decide what you want to do , " Frank suggested , and Leslie set his suitcase on the floor near the foot of the bed before following Frank back downstairs . Frank grabbed the box of videos off the hallway table as he led them into the media room . " I can order a pizza , if you like , " Frank offered . " Is there anything you especially like ? " Frank asked as he heard the pizza place answer , and Leslie shook his head . Frank placed his usual order but made it a large , and hung up . " They 'll be here in half an hour . Would you like a beer ? " Frank opened the refrigerator door and pulled out two bottles of Samuel Adams , carrying them to where Leslie was sitting on the sofa . When he handed the bottle to him , Leslie took it and stared back at Frank like he 'd broken some sort of protocol . " If you don 't want a beer , I have something else , " Frank offered , wondering what he 'd done to offend him . " No . I apologize , I forgot you Yanks serve your beer practically frozen . " Leslie set the bottle on a coaster . " I 'll let it come up to temperature . " " This is fine , thank you , " Leslie said , but Frank could tell it wasn 't fine , so he went and retrieved one of the bottles from the basement and gave that one to Leslie . That was obviously much better , because the smile he got this time bordered on radiant . " Perfect . " Leslie opened the bottle , and Frank put the first video in the player and grabbed the remote . " We need to pay attention to the crowds and try to ignore the actual performers , " Leslie explained , and Frank swallowed the smartass reply that threatened to bubble up as he took his place on the sofa . " But you probably already knew that , didn 't you , mate ? " Frank sipped his beer as cover and nodded as the video began to play . It took him about five minutes before he muted the volume , and both men looked at each other and laughed . " If they were truly casing the place during one of these recitals , they 've already been punished enough , " Frank quipped , and Leslie laughed a deep rich laugh that Frank found incredibly attractive , and he could not help watching him out of the corner of his eye before returning his attention to the screen . Most of the video was centered on the performers during the performance , but afterward , this one continued rolling as their daughter joined them , and even out through the building to the outside . The two men continued talking , and Frank mentioned they should have that portion of the video copied out and enhanced . After making a note , he ejected the disk , placing it in the case , and put another one in the player . " Rather than trying to memorize faces , let 's note crowd - type scenes that we can review tomorrow . " " Good idea . You might see if they could remove the scenes and string them together . That way we could see if any faces jump out at us , " Leslie suggested . The video began , and Frank saw another performance , keeping the volume muted . He was already starting to think this was a futile effort . This video was only the performance and showed no one else . By the time the video ended , the doorbell rang , and Frank walked to the door , paid for the delivery and returned to the media room . Leslie had made himself comfortable , and Frank nearly tripped when he entered the room . Leslie 's legs were spread enticingly , his jacket and tie neatly laid over the back of a chair , his collar loosened , shirt clinging seductively to his chest . Leslie 's long , shining , auburn hair , which must have been gathered and hidden in the collar of his jacket , now flowed loosely and hung below his shoulders like long strands of silk . Frank prided himself on having good powers of observation and he wondered just how he 'd missed that . The man looked like sex on wheels , and the casual look on his face made Frank think that he had no idea how attractive he appeared . Frank only hoped that the effect Leslie was having on him wasn 't noticeable . Regaining his balance , Frank set the pizza on the table . " Would you like another beer ? I have plenty . " " Thanks , mate . " Leslie tipped the bottle to his mouth , and Frank watched his throat , stifling a groan as Leslie finished the beer and then handed him the bottle . For a few seconds , Frank thought he might have been enticing him on purpose , but that had to be his imagination . Taking the bottle , Frank hurried out of the room , breathing deeply as he tried to clear his mind of the filthy thoughts that kept moving front and center whenever he got a good look at the stunning Brit . Frank took his time getting another round , standing in the cool basement , hoping the temperatures would cool off his libido , which seemed to be running a little rampant . While he was out of Leslie 's sight , Frank adjusted his pants to make things more comfortable , grabbed a beer for Leslie , and climbed the stairs . On his way through , he grabbed another beer for himself from the fridge . The video had ended , and Leslie was removing the disk . " This one had nothing , " he explained as he put the next disk in the player . Frank had to force himself to look away from where Leslie knelt in front of the television , pants clinging to a perfect rear end and what looked like strong thighs , straining the legs of his pants . He had to get hold of himself . Leslie had given him no indication that he was interested , and Frank was not about to find out the hard way . Leslie was a colleague , at least for now , and Frank was not particularly willing to be rejected or to get involved with someone he worked with , even if he had an indication Leslie might be so inclined . Frank could not allow that to happen . Rumors of his orientation would spread through the office faster than the news of him and his team raiding the wrong house . Frank waited for Leslie to finish with the video before he handed him the beer and then turned away before sitting on the sofa and concentrating on the movie . Reaching for the pizza box , Frank stopped when he realized his lust - infused mind had completely forgotten the plates . Jumping up , he went and grabbed two from the cupboard , handing a plate to Leslie without really looking at him , and took his seat once again before reaching for his slice . Hour after mind - numbing hour , they watched home video after home video . They 'd gotten a number of crowd scenes , in addition to multitudes of hours of performance after performance . " I don 't think I can take much more of this , " Leslie said with a yawn . " My body 's still a bit on London time . " " Thankfully , there 's only one more . Go on upstairs , and I 'll check this one out before coming up myself . " Frank checked the clock on the player and realized it was well after midnight . He put in the last video and started it , feeling the sofa cushions shift as Leslie got up . Frank tried to force himself not to look , but the temptation was too great . Frank shifted his eyes upward as Leslie stretched his arms over his head , and he caught a glimpse of pale skin just above the handsome man 's belt . Frank stared as long as he dared , looking back to the television as Leslie 's arms lowered and he sat back on the sofa without saying a word . As they watched , Leslie began to shift slightly on the sofa . Frank looked over and saw Leslie 's eyes drift closed as Leslie tilted toward him . Leslie caught himself and sat back upright , but not before Frank felt his warmth and the slight touch of his arm . Frank forced himself to watch the video and keep his mind off the man sitting next to him . This infatuation was ridiculous . Yes , Leslie was attractive , and yes , he seemed to press all Frank 's buttons from a physical perspective , but Frank had already had enough of the type of relationship where he relied strictly on how someone looked . He 'd learned that lesson big - time already , and didn 't really want to remember the details . Watching the video , he fast - forwarded through the actual performance and looked over the people behind the person doing the speaking , but didn 't see anything out of the ordinary , and no one did something as obvious as trying to hide their face . Marking that portion of the video , Frank packed up all the videos , making sure to segregate the ones with pictures of the crowd before standing up . " Come on , Les , let 's go on up to bed . " " Okay , Les , let 's go . " Frank wasn 't going to rise to the bait , but he couldn 't resist the temptation to push it a little , either , and he saw Leslie roll his eyes , but he didn 't correct him a second time . Instead , he stood up , stretching and yawning again as Frank threw away the remains of dinner and began turning out the lights before they headed up the stairs . Frank let Leslie use the bathroom first , waiting until he heard the door open and footsteps pad across the small hallway before opening his door . In the bathroom , it looked as though a toiletries bomb had gone off . The towels Leslie had used had been thrown on the floor , and his things sat everywhere around the sink . " What - you think I 'm the maid who 's supposed to clean up after you ? " Frank muttered , and he began picking things up , shoving Leslie 's stuff into his kit and placing it on the shelf over the sink . He picked up the towels and hung them up before getting cleaned up himself and heading back to his room , muttering under his breath . As he stepped across the hall , he saw Leslie 's door open and a startled expression from his guest . " Oh , I was about to shower before bed . " Frank saw Leslie look toward the bathroom and color . " Sorry about the mess . I forgot some things , and I didn 't realize you were using the same bathroom . " Leslie seemed genuinely contrite , and Frank felt his anger melt away , replaced by the thrill of seeing Leslie wearing nothing but a towel . " If you wouldn 't mind , " Leslie replied . " Just knock me up when you get up . " Leslie walked into the bathroom and closed the door as Frank gaped after him , wondering if he 'd heard him right . Figuring it must be a British saying , Frank walked into his bedroom , shaking his head , and closed the door . Pulling back the covers , he dropped the towel and turned off the light before climbing into bed . Feeling dead tired , Frank figured he 'd go right to sleep , but he heard the water running and knew what Leslie was doing . Frank 's eyes closed , and in his mind he saw Leslie standing in the hallway not two feet from him , wearing nothing but a towel . The thing that had surprised Frank was how pale Leslie 's skin was , and yet in the few glances he 'd seen , Frank couldn 't see a blemish on the alabaster expanse . And the way his towel had clung to Leslie 's small hips … . Frank kept his eyes clamped closed as if that would somehow make the images go away . He was not going to lust after a man he couldn 't have , or shouldn 't touch , no matter what . Frank tried to will himself to sleep , but that didn 't work , not when certain parts of his anatomy definitely had other ideas . Rolling over , Frank closed his eyes and did his best to ignore the images of Leslie and go to sleep . He had many things he needed to get done tomorrow , and he needed to be awake and on top of his game , but he was not going to be able to do that if he spent the entire night thinking about Leslie - handsome , frustrating , probably straight Leslie . Andrew 's Bio : Andrew grew up in western Michigan with a father who loved to tell stories and a mother who loved to read them . Since then he has lived throughout the country and traveled throughout the world . He has a master 's degree from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee and works in information systems for a large corporation . Andrew 's hobbies include collecting antiques , gardening , and leaving his dirty dishes anywhere but in the sink ( particularly when writing ) He considers himself blessed with an accepting family , fantastic friends , and the world 's most supportive and loving partner . Andrew currently lives in beautiful , historic Carlisle , Pennsylvania .
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I 'm going to keep this brief , seeing as I 've got a splitting headache and looking at a computer screen doesn 't help . I 've received your package , Advocate . While I 've been awaiting you , I followed your set of instructions and began taking doses of the elixir that came along with them . Several days ago , I started experiencing some symptoms , including intense migraines , aching muscles , and nausea . Until those subside a bit , I 'll be waiting to take a second dose . First off I should start by saying that Eden is no longer with us . I honestly wish I had done it myself , but that probably would have been rather difficult , being all tied up and shit . I 'm not going to go into deep detail about this , since I 'd like to be as brief as possible . Maybe you can look forward to a better explanation of my sudden disappearance once I 've gotten my point across . And what is my point exactly ? I 'm just here to make a proposition . The business is out . Deals have been made . I 'm done with the Siblings ' bullshit and guilt and fucking emotions . It 's been . . . what . . . a year ? Two ? As if I keep track anymore . Since the last time I posted , my only thoughts have been whether I 'm still alive or in hell yet . Sure , I thought about going back , changing my name again , even checking the blogs to see if I still had a sliver of a chance left , but what is that worth ? Even if I clawed my other eye out , I still couldn 't unsee the damage I 've done ever since I escaped the goddamn Cage . There 's no childhood innocence left to save me from the future . I 've already accepted the fact that my past can 't be undone , but for a while there , I actually thought there could be another future . I guess what changed that was the death of DeMii . Seeing that maybe if I 'd stayed , she 'd be alive and I could be the kind of aunt I should have been until my selfishness overpowered the flicker of love that had kept me going up until Nameless replaced Trinity . It was like life had no purpose but to eventually bring on death . But whatever . Fuck then . This is now , and now is all there 's left to maybe make something of myself . I have a deal for you , Advocate . This is the one time I 'll ever need you . Or anyone at all . And god , you 're the only thing I can think of that can change me right now . I need you to help me . But what do you need me for ? I can now tell you that what happened last isn 't the end of it . I wasn 't - really - dead . Something had rescued me . It wasn 't Eden , or , surprisingly , Kieth . They hadn 't even come looking for me , not that they 'd even know where to look . Eden didn 't know what I was capable of doing . Maybe I 'd hurt someone , but he never considered me a killer . Even though I had once . He didn 't think I would ever again . He 'd though . . . I 'd changed . My eyes fluttered open to see the ceiling , and my vision was blurry . Kieth was asleep in a chair beside me , and soon Eden walked in with a tray , smiling to see me awake . " You were unconscious two days , " he told me . " I wasn 't sure what to think , but I knew you were alive . " The boy shrugged and sat at the edge of my bed . " She hasn 't come back , but Kieth told me she called . She told him what happened , and he gave me the message , too . " Surprisingly , Eden didn 't look angry or upset . " I suppose you 're a little weak . The man must 've healed you some , but you still gotta rest . I gotta go out and get some stuff , but if you need anything , wake Kieth . " Smiling at me , he kissed my forehead softly , then walked out the door . I waited a while before heading out . The first place I checked for Lily was the park . she wasn 't there , but soon I found her nearby at a small stream behind the shack . She was leaned over Jed 's body , sobbing , trying to get him to float in the shallow water . Trying to get rid of the body . " Not going to tell his parents , huh ? " My voice triggered her instincts to attack , and she came lunging at me full speed . Don 't forget , she was blind . It wasn 't hard to get her pinned onto the ground . " I 'm sorry ! " I screamed at her while she flailed on the dirt . " It wasn 't me ! " " My personality is split into seven - Threnody , Cat , Jubilee , Violetta , Sybil , Sophie , and Cassandra . Sometimes they all combine , but rarely . I dunno exactly how to explain it . . . it 's just . . . " " Carrie 's gone , Lily . Not completely . . . but she 's not the same . And somewhere . . . she 's in there somewhere . You 'll get to see her once before she disappears completely . I 'm trying really hard , Lily . . . really hard to make her come out . . . it 's painful , it really is . For you . . . I 'm trying . " I rocked her slowly in my arms . " I don 't know who I am , but I still love you . I 'm still your sister , I promise . Please . . . please try to love me . . . " I carried her all the way back home , since Eden took the car out . She was thin , thin as a twig . Looked so easy to snap , and I admit it was tempting . But Carrie told me no . Carrie kept me from switching back to an animal . I love her . I 'll never try to hurt her again . Now she 's in her bed . She has been since I started posting again . Life 's gone on . I know I 'm supposed to be dead , but thanks to an old - I dunno what to call him - I 'm still somewhat alive . And I 'm going to savor that . Once Lily gets better . . . we 're heading back to the mansion . Maybe I 'll continue to search for jobs , maybe not . I 'll think it over while we wait . But I know Sybil and Violetta aren 't going away anytime soon . I haven 't heard their Voices - I 'm becoming them . If I don 't do something about it , I 'll kill Kieth , Eden , all of them . So I 've had an idea . The heat was cooking me like an oven . My heart pounded , faster and faster . Figures bobbed up and down , shouting things to one another . Someone called my name and I shook my head . I knew I couldn 't go much farther . Pain soared up through my body as a bullet hit my calf , and I tumbled down into the hot dirt , panting like an animal . Still Ren didn 't stop for me . Then I heard a bang . Three bodies scrambled on the ground in moans of pain . Using all my energy , I dragged myself forward and I stood shakily beside Ren , who held me up with one arm . There was a grin on his face that sent a chill down my spine . I had my hand on the gun , finger on the trigger . He had his own as well . It lifted up . Faced the runners . He started laughing , and . . . We all started at the man 's body silently , then , one by one , everyone looked at me . I 'd done it - put a bullet in his head , and now he lied still in the dirt in his own blood . I didn 't smile , but instead glanced back at the runners and shook my head . A few smiled . Did they think I 'd set him up to save their lives ? Maybe . Most of them were mostly puzzled , not sure whether to fear me or thank me . Then one put a step forward . Turned and ran . The others watched as I lifted my arm , pulled on the trigger like I had to Ren . They watched their friend fall , but didn 't have time to watch me turn the barrel towards them , too . In a moment , they all lay there , limb and cold . There was nothing left for me to do . I turned and got back in the car , then drove away . My heart was full of glee . Blood coated me like I 'd just bathed in it . The smell of death on my skin was like a bed of roses . All the way , I smiled , ear - to - ear . There was nothing in the world that could stop me . I was invincible . My vision was red like fire . Everywhere I turned , every face I saw , I imagined without life , on the ground like Ren . Passersby moved away from me . I giggled all the way home . The door was knocked down with a strength I didn 't know I had , and somehow my voice sounded strange . " Where 's Lily ? " I shouted as I pushed Eden hard up against the wall . He had no fear in his eyes , instead just confusion . " With her boyfriend , Jed . " Then he had a sudden realization on his face . " You don 't have to go do that , Nameless . I 'm . . . sorry for yelling at you . We can talk together , I 'm sure Kieth will understand how you 're feeling . " " Feelings , " I said , disgusted . " All these feelings . " With that , I dropped the boy heavily on the floor and started to walked out again . " Where exactly ? " I asked , hesitating by the door . It was getting dark . Cold lingered on my skin , as I wore nothing really except a camisole and a pair of ripped jean shorts . I can admit now that I hadn 't been thinking about much except finding Lily . On the swings , side by side , they sat , rocking slowly back and forth . Didn 't see me watching them , eyes hungry . I could faintly hear their voices . Telling each other the love they felt . Feelings . Suddenly , the boy turned towards me and called out . Lily glanced around as well , sensing me there . " My sister , " she said kindly . I felt her warmth , but this time , I felt none towards her . As I began to walk steadily over to the two , Jed protectively put his arm out to my sister . Scrawny fellow . I pushed him aside easily and took hold of Lily 's pale throat . My laughter was loud above the sound of her breathlessness . She couldn 't escape me this time . I was going to kill her . The boy leaped out in front of me and tried pushing me to the ground . But I 'd brought my knife . He found that out soon after he attacked , stumbling over and staining the snow with his blood . Lily paused for a moment over his body , whispering his name through tears and short sobs . She heard my footsteps . Her screams echoed all around us as she ran towards the shack a few yards away . The place was old and practically decrepit . I followed her inside anyway . Silence met me inside the building . She would be hiding somewhere around in one of the rooms , and it wouldn 't be hard finding her . Now I had my gun out , chanting my sister 's name and weaving in and out of the rooms . I thought I 'd heard footsteps and followed them out into a hallway , only to be kicked over from behind . I hadn 't even turned around before I heard her voice , and knew her hand was on the gun . " I 've always been dead to you . " Lily wasn 't crying anymore . She showed power , standing over me . And yet even as she spoke the truth I didn 't want to face when I had my real soul within grasp , her voice shook and almost ceased at one point . Then she continued on . " I never forgot , but even though you faked it , I knew you 'd never change . You 're a killer . You killed our parents , our little siblings . You killed Ron . You . . . killed . . . Carrie . I don 't know who the hell you are , but you 're not my sister . You never will be . " She raised the gun to my forehead , then down to my chest . " You ruined my life , and your own . You 've killed me once , but not again . " Her finger was pushed against the trigger . " Now it 's my turn . Consider this . . . a bullet . . . from the grave . " To the world , I 've never existed . No one knows who Carrie is . No one knows a Trinity . Not even I know who Nameless is . They are all . . . fake . Maybe I will never know . But for now I can say that as the world around me went black , I finally accepted that . I started to notice something going on about a week after Lily came to live with us . At first , as I expected , she was very quiet and mainly stayed up in her room , alone . She listened to some TV and Eden put braille books in her room which she didn 't really read much . Then , slowly , she started to come out . It was pretty much just to eat and use the bathroom , but when we made her sit at the table with us at breakfast , sometimes she 'd talk . About work , school , her friends . About her life . I felt so happy to listen to her speak , it 'd been so long and we were only small children then . I could almost hear the sound of Jubilee 's flute in the distance . She was very nervous around me . I could tell Eden worried her too , but she almost seemed to avoid me whenever possible . I mean . . . I tried telling myself , you know , that I understood . Considering how I 'd affected her life in what I 'd done , I 'd probably be shaken up myself . But I can 't say it didn 't hurt my feelings just a tiny bit . Really , all I wanted to do was run into her arms and pull her to me like I hadn 't done in years , but that would only scare her even more . So I let her alone , like a new pet . I let her adapt . She did quickly . She knew all the rooms in the mansion and who we were . She knew our personalities and what and what not to do . She got used to Eden a little and spoke with him sometimes when they met in the hall , but shied away from me when we did . I got frustrated , but didn 't let it show . Still thinking about it makes me angry . But I just get mad at myself even more because I made it happen . And her eyes - although they didn 't work - instantly shot in my direction when I stood across a room . It was like she sensed me there , and had an instinct to flee . Like animals , I was the predator . She only knew to run from me . Then a friendship grew between my sister and Kieth . When she locked herself in her room for the day , only his voice could coax her out . She 'd even let him in and lock the door again once he was inside , leaving me out . All I could do was press my ear up against the wood and try to hear what they were saying . And no , I wasn 't jealous . I knew Kieth wouldn 't do anything with her . After all , she 's my sister , and he spent four years searching for me - why would he give that up now ? Maybe some other boys would , but not Kieth . I know him . . . I guess Kieth must have convinced her to give me a chance or something . She started coming out even more , sitting around with us while we spoke and joked and laughed . She laughed along with us , smiling in my direction . I felt happy , but something else too . The way she sat so close to Kieth . How they hand hands while he led her down the staircase , across the different rooms and hallways . He always made her breakfast , lunch , cleaned up for her after dinner . I didn 't expect him to do so for me too . . . I mean . . . I still have one working eye . I have arms , too . I can do it myself . I didn 't mind that . Then Eden would glance my way and flash me an odd smile , nodding towards the two like it even mattered . That pissed me off , I must admit . Making a bid deal out of it didn 't help . He should 've known that , at least . As Lily opened up to me , I shut her out . Instead of her avoiding me , I avoided her , but even when Kieth and her locked themselves in her room and got really quiet , I still stood outside and stared at it with such anger . I took her in , didn 't I ? It 's one thing for Eden to keep the basement private - no one wants to see cat livers in bottles , anyway - but for my own sister to be keeping all quiet with . . . Jealousy may be what I was feeling , but I had a reason for it . I remember when Kieth told me about the girl he kissed while I disappeared . He was lonely , in the hospital after the accident I caused him . She had a crush on him , and even though he knew I loved him , he didn 't push her away . He gave in . What would stop him this time ? Lily wasn 't only friendly towards Kieth . She became good buddies with Eden , too , once he gave her time to adjust . They weren 't as close as her and the other boy were , but they were still close . That 's what gave me an idea - still the worst one I 've ever had , but it was an idea , nonetheless . He was in the kitchen one night making dinner , mac n ' cheese , for himself when I carefully stepped in , waving a hello . He greeted me with a smile and nothing more . I thought I once saw Lily playing with her hair while she spoke to Eden , and someone once told me that 's a sign of flirting , so when he glanced over at me again , I mimicked this behavior . He just gave me a funny look and started to turn away . He could probably tell something weird was going on by then . " Cool ? " he asked , raising an eyebrow . " Since when have you taken an interest in what I do ? " " Really . . . " his sarcastic tone reached my ears just as he turned and starting walking down to his room . I followed slowly and tried not to touch any of the walls . " Yup , " I chirped happily , bouncing onto his bed once I made sure Henry wasn 't there . Eden plopped down beside he and set the plate on a TV tray , then looked over at me . " So what 's up ? " Letting out a sigh , I glanced around awkwardly , hoping he would say something next . Instead he just sat there and chomped on his cheesy noodles . Finally , once he was done , I gathered up all my courage and stood over him . I pushed the palm of my hand on his chest and leaned in , utterly disgusted in my mind . As our lips touched , I thought of Kieth and pushed down the urge to run upstairs again . Eden 's body was pressed up against mine , both of us pressed against his bed . We didn 't move for several seconds , so I took the next step and opened my mouth . That 's when I felt myself lift up . Eden slid me off of him and wiped his mouth , looking surprisingly upset . " This is about them . " His voice was lower than usual , his eyes not meeting mine . This time I didn 't deny it . I nodded my head , and so did he . " Okay then , " he said dismally and slowly walked out of the room , leaving me there . The next time we saw each other , Kieth and Lily sat together on the couch . It was the time of day when we all sat together and talked . It was kinda like a bonding ritual , if you think about it . Eden and I sat in opposite chairs . The whole time he hadn 't spoken , but when he was asked a question , or when one of us tried to include him in the conversation , he just smiled or nodded with a little , hollow chuckle . I had a feeling I 'd really hurt him . I didn 't even consider he 'd ever have feeling for me - at least , not in that way . But now I was starting to consider it . When I couldn 't take the silence anymore , and both Kieth and my sister were locked up in her room again , I went up to him and grabbed his arm tight . " I 'm sorry , Eden , " I whispered . He stood there silently and shook me off , but I grasped him again before he could walk away . " Listen to me , " I said sternly . " I admit that I did it out of jealousy , but that doesn 't mean we have to ignore each other forever now . We can still move on . " " But I don 't want to , Nameless . " He looked me straight in the eye and took hold of my shoulders . " I thought maybe , when you kissed me , that you meant it . I 've . . . I 've liked you , N . I have , but you never acted like you felt that way too . You acted like you hated me . You called me dumbass and fuckwad and dickface , and even though I laughed , it still hurt . " His fingers squeezing into my shoulders , I couldn 't meet his eye . Why did I feel more guilt than I did killing Ryan ? " But then you kissed me . . . you don 't know how happy I was . Nervous , but happy . And then . . . it just . . . it felt wrong . " His ocean eyes were wet now , and he shoved me roughly off him , stomping downstairs . There was nothing more to say . I 'd messed up . . . I really had . . . My room was really always the only place I could express myself . My true self . There are rarely moments when all the Voices and the souls are in my at once , but for some reason right now was one of those moments . Tears streamed out my eyes and I rocked the bed as I convulsed . My voice ran out from screaming into the mattress . I flipped myself over ten thousand times and ripped the curtains off the windows . My arms were destroyed ; bite marks coated them along with blood . I could barely feel the pain - from my wounds . In my heart , all I was was confused and angry . At myself . At Lily for ruining my life . At Kieth for betraying me . Then I decided it - from that point on I hated Lily . And someday . . . I would get her back for stealing Kieth . Wires lied behind the desk , cut by something sharp , probably a pair of scissors . The whole place was dark , darker than black , and only a small flickering flashlight lit my way . I crossed the room several times without tripping over any objects . In the air lingered the scent of decay , making me gag . Bodies in the closet . Inching my way closer , my hand grasped the knob and I pulled the door open , several corpses falling out on top of each other . In the dark my eyes played tricks . Maggots crawled out the ears of a woman , consuming her flesh slowly . By the time I 'd finished , vomit covered the floor , which I had to mop up . It was a relief to be out in the fresh air again . I inhaled deeply and crossed the dead lawn to the back of the building . A man dressed in all black nodded at me and handed me the limp body , then went scurrying away . I didn 't bother to ask who he might be ; in the end it didn 't really matter . So I dragged her heavy body into the room and dumped it in the corner just as the flashlight 's batteries died . Don 't need to see your face anyway . They searched the dark frantically , as she pushed her body up hard against the wall . " Who 's there ? " her voice called softly , fear evident . I sat only a few feet away and yet she couldn 't see me . For a while I waited silently , hoping she 'd notice me and realize who I am , but time went by and all she did was start to cry . " Please don 't hurt me , " she sobbed . I felt a pain in my chest , I coughed quietly , and her head shot up in my direction . " Hello ? " Her smile surprised me , which I doubt she could see on my face , if she could see that at all . " Well you must , " she said lightly . " Everyone has a name . " We sat silently across from each other quietly . The floor was hard and cold underneath me , but when she reached out and touched my hand , I was warmed up again . " Why are you sad ? " Her tears dripped onto the ground in a pool around her feet as I fought hard not to let mine fall . In the dim light , they almost had an ivy color . Finally , I couldn 't hold mine in any longer . " Because I 've done something awful and I can never make it right , " I whispered . Even I could hardly understand myself . Then suddenly she started to shush me , pulling me close like a mother . " It 's alright , " she reassured . Then she lifted up her eyes and looked into mine , unseeing and unknowing . " Why have you brought me here ? " her soft voice asked . God , the dread I felt . She knew I was a child , she almost knew me even though she couldn 't seem to see . I know she would remember my name , who I was , if she could see my face through the dark . I urged to turn swing open the door and reveal myself to her , because it would be so much easier than to say the words , but I knew that would never change things . She was crawling away from me , flung my body off of hers in disgust as I convulsed on the floor , my head in my hands . It was so long ago , or so it seems , that I last cried . My cheeks were dry and I liked it that way , but now the redness stained my face and I couldn 't see clearly . I watched her hands move rapidly around , feeling the walls and floors , looking for a way out . Why can 't you see anything , Lily ? Why is the world so dark to you ? Finally , she stood . Her legs were wobbling , unbalanced . Her entire body shook as she edged her way around and got a grasp on the doorknob . She shook it furiously and furiously but it wouldn 't open . She screamed out in something like fear or frustration , but still it wouldn 't let her out . " I was never one person . I was never . . . a person . I don 't know what I am - was . Maybe I am insane . Maybe I should 've died . But I didn 't . A man came and made me feel something painful and powerful , and I followed what he said because he promised me so many things . I followed and did what I was told to do , but it wasn 't me . It was like I was watching through someone else 's eyes . I cried and cried but nothing came out , I screamed but I didn 't open my mouth once . Then they locked me in a Cage and used my mind to hurt and kill and destroy life . I found a way out . I found someone who I loved and I . . . I don 't know . I forgot everything about myself until Ron came . I guess he didn 't give up on me after that night . He must have followed , even if he forgot everything after , too . He saw me kill the twins , Mama , Dad . He thought I killed you , but he stayed , and when we found out who we were , we escaped . I moved to a place called the Haven , but still I lost myself there and instead I left to find you . I 've . . . killed other people , and now I 'm no one . I 'm an empty body with seven souls , seven separate emotions . I don 't understand myself , and neither will you , but I want you back . I want my family . I want you . . . to know I 'm sorry . Even though i know that can 't fix a thing . " Her emerald eyes in the blackness like night creeped up and slid along the walls until they landed on my face , and I realized why she couldn 't see me . The green color was pale and light , and there was no soul in them . She was blind . Another memory came back , and I was one step closer to realizing who I used to be . I have , since the day I first rode one , always been afraid of planes . And that 's saying something . I kinda dumped all those other useless emotions behind and let myself progress without them . Things like Hopelessness and , as I said , most of my fears . Still , a few remain . One being planes . And don 't assume I 'm afraid of heights , because I 'm not . It 's just something about sitting in those death machines that makes me feel nauseous . That being said , you can probably guess the trip to Australia wasn 't a fun one for me . The takeoff is really the hardest part . So is the landing . In between isn 't any more relaxing , but it 's better knowing we 're flying straight forward instead of up ( stalling ) or down ( accidental crash ) . But although I did vomit several times within the first hour of the flight , I am proud to say that I have improved since the plane ride to Jersey . " I 'll take the window seat , " Kieth sighed as we filed into the narrow lanes between the rows of seats . Shuffling down and flopping into our seats , we exchanged a look of frustration and started getting comfortable . " If Ren went through all the effort to buy tickets and take care of hotels just to get us on his side , why couldn 't he have just gotten us one of those fancy spots , where they give you champagne and shit ? " I muttered just as Eden sat down in the chair in front of us . " Guys , " he whined , " don 't make me sit alone ! " " But if you keep complaining , you 'll be all alone for a lot longer than that , " I said , kicking my foot hard against the back of his seat . Jerking forward , he stuck out his tongue at me and spun around , finally shutting up for once . Kieth glanced at me and pretended not to notice how hard I was squeezing his hand . Over the intercom , I heard a flight attendant give instructions to turn off electronics and buckle ourselves . Soon , the plane was inching forward , and very soon after that , we started to lift off into the air . The entire time , I gripped onto Kieth 's hand until his circulation was cut off and my knuckles turned white . Whenever he tried to get the feeling back , I tugged on his arm and made him sit still again . Luckily , Eden had fallen asleep . Even I started to drift off after the first two hours . Then suddenly I woke up and Kieth was prodding my shoulder . " It 's time to get off , " he whispered with a smile . " So did Ren tell you where we were going to meet up ? " Kieth had a map almost as big as me spread out in front of his face , his eyes scanning over it with a determined look . " He 'll find us at the hotel , " I said , watching Eden drop pebbles into the harbors . " Why ? " He looked up and shrugged . " Duckies might be hungry . " Ren 's choice of hotels made up for the crappy airplane seats . I could have spent the entire trip wandering the Shangri - La Hotel , even just staring at the beautiful lobby . " This must have costed a million dollars ! " Kieth yelled as we reached the indoor pool . " Can we go in , Nameless ? Please ? " The two boys glanced at me with the most adorable puppy eyes ever , I 'm surprised I shook my head . " We came here to find Lily , not laze around . You can go in later . " Eden nodded slowly and sighed . " How long do you think it will take to find her ? " Our room didn 't disappoint , either , not that I thought it would . Ren thought of it all . He even got a room with three beds and an extra bathroom . I still don 't know how he pulled that off , or if he 'd been watching us for a while . How would he even know about our bed and bathroom problem ? After we unpacked , I left the boys in the room , trying to figure out which channel Cartoon Network was on , and took a step outside for some quiet , so maybe I could think straight . " Uh . . . Miss . . . Name . . . less ? " I turned around and saw a young man in a uniform squinting at a slip of paper in his hand . " Is that . . . you ? " Cautiously , I nodded and took a step forward and peered around him . Parked around the corner was a shiny black Camaro Convertible . " Uh . . . your rental car ? " he said timidly as I stared at the vehicle , then looked back at him in disbelief . " Mine ? " I asked , still shocked when he nodded . The awkward man had our rental car parked as close to the building as he could get it , stepping out and scratching the back of his head once he saw us walking across the parking lot towards him . " Here you are . . . uh . . . ma ' am , " he said . I smiled and thanked him as kindly as I could , then sidestepped around him and started to open the driver 's side door when I heard him ask , " Are you sure you 're old enough to drive ? M - ma ' am ? " I glanced back at him and grinned , holding up a license . He was reassured , and let us drive through without having to run him over . Where did the license come from ? Ren put it in the envelope along with the tickets and passports and other necessities of travel , which I didn 't question . From that moment on I was legally ( hehe ) twenty - one years of age . " He could have just made you eighteen or seventeen , or something closer to your real age , " Eden said as I swerved along the road ( this was my first time driving ) . " Twenty - one is the legal drinking age , " Kieth pointed out with a grin . " But , yeah . You should probably let Eden drive now . You know . . . since he knows how . " Eden at the wheel , we pulled over a short while later , sitting in our seats and staring up at the Taronga Zoo 's metal sign . ' Welcome to Taronga Zoo . ' Slamming shut my door behind me , I headed in towards the entrance , passing through the ticket booths to purchase our tickets . Then we were inside , and I was hardly able to keep Eden in my sight . " Monkeys ! " he shouted . " Elephants ! Ohmigosh , it 's a giraffe ! Look , Nameless , look at it 's neck ! Hiiiii , Melmaaann ! " " Nameless , I got a text from Ren , " he said suddenly as we reached the Cafe Plaza . " He says to find your sister at the lion exhibit . " Following Ren 's instructions , we headed down , Eden bouncing excitedly around when we reached our destination . " Lions ! Rawr ! " I couldn 't help but laugh . He was like an obnoxious little kid , Zoo sticker , visor , and all . " Nameless . The eagle has landed . " I glanced at Kieth , who was staring intensely at something inside the den . I followed his gaze , my eyes landing on the figure of a young woman , probably in her early twenties , with wheat - colored hair like mine and tanned skin , like mine . She looked up at us and smiled , unknowing , and I realized by the color of her eyes that she was really my sister . I can 't say all the memories and regrets were flooding through me at that exact moment , because all I was focused on was getting what I left Haven for . And I got it . Kieth watched out for me while I followed Lily down the path behind the lion dens , leading to the bear exhibit . Luckily , not many people were down that way when I figured I had her in the right spot . I didn 't need to be wary of security cameras , I could probably hack into them and clear the tapes later , anyway . And tasing her was kinda fun .
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First blog post Featured by mari9405 , posted in Uncategorized This is your very first post . Click the Edit link to modify or delete it , or start a new post . If you like , use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it . I want you to know that I am usually a pleasant person . I don 't always complain about things . I know a woman who complains at the slightest little thing . For example , she ordered tea in a cafe , and complained that it didn 't come in a china cup ! Me … I don 't care what kind of cup the tea is in , as long as the cup is clean , and has no cracks . but who was to know ? I certainly wouldn 't have said anything to anyone , and her boss wasn 't there to object ! Besides , there should not be just one toilet in a busy tourist place ! She could have just let me use the loo , instead of telling me to walk down to the restaurant , and use the one in the water sports centre , attached to the restaurant . But that was just what she told me to do ! So I had to walk to the next loo . It 's actually not that far . I followed the path to the lake and into the wooded area . It 's the only footpath there is , and then … I came upon the stepping - stones ! Just as I said , there is no other way to go . In order to proceed towards the restaurant area , you are forced to go across the stepping - stones . Now I know that many people do not have a problem , but I do , because my balance is bad and that 's the main reason I always use a walking stick . I managed the first two steps , with some difficulty , but the third was a step too far . The space between the stones was too much . I lost my nerve and was truly afraid . My husband tried to help me , and a passer by did too , but I couldn 't cross the water . I managed to get back the way I had come . Then , the only way to get to the toilet , was to re - trace my steps to the Visitors Centre , and then walk along the road . The road is dangerous ! It has no footpath , and the cars are coming along all the time , both ways . So that was another nerve wracking moment in time . But I got to the toilets eventually , although my day was ruined . The Water Park is not ' disabled friendly ' . Because it is a country place , it 's not flat , but there are no ramps anywhere , only steps , that is bad enough . But the stepping - stones are lethal . They are often wet , and anyone who is bad on their legs could not cross them , neither could anyone with a pram or pushchair , and if you were in a wheelchair … Forget it ! And before anyone says , you can drive along the road , to the restaurant and toilets , let me remind people that not everyone is fortunate enough , to posses a car . Alan and I don 't have one . We have to walk or use public transport , so when we used the road to get to the restaurant , we had no choice , but to walk along it , and hope that the cars would not hit us . Once again . This is not good enough . The Water Park could be a great place to visit , if it was accessible to everyone , but it is not . The problem is , that people just do not speak out , when there is a problem facing people with disability , or people with young children who need to be pushed in prams or pushchairs . If more people did , I am sure something would be done . It is a shame that the park is not a better place , for those of us who are physically disabled . Tagged Disability , Sale Water ParkLeave a comment Nana Mary 's Story March 28 , 2017March 28 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Faith , Memories Hello again ! I 've got something badly wrong with the bottom of my back ! I had an x ray last Friday and they told me I would have to wait 7 - 10 days for the result , but the Surgery called me this morning ( Tuesday ) to get me to make an appointment , so I have done . They must have got a result . I 'm writing a new blog post , to take my mind off my pain . I promised to tell the story of my Irish Nana . I shared that story , last time I was at the Storytellers Club , but for people who haven 't heard it . here it is . My Nana 's name was Mary . When I was born , she was already bedridden , and it was she , who taught me my prayers , and told me about God . I always think of her as my first Christian influence . she was Roman Catholic . I was also brought up in that faith , but did not remain a Roman Catholic . I think of myself as a Christian , but of no particular denomination . Previous posts , explain my views . But the Church was Nana 's life . Even when she was unable to leave the house , the priest used to come once a week , and she would make confession , and receive Holy Communion . I remember her , with her rosary beads in her slim fingers , mouthing her prayers , with the relics of her faith , all around her . Granddad 's name was Samuel Bradshaw . He was crippled , because of a fall from a tree , when he was a child . His broken leg did not set right , and never grew , so one of his legs was just half the size of an adult leg . When he was 21 years old , he met Nana , who was walking down the street . Because he was carrying crutches , she was not afraid , when he spoke to her . They talked , and he asked to see her again . She agreed , and they began to meet regularly . Nana wasn 't having any of that ! she disobeyed her parents , and eloped with Sam . Her future husband was a bespoke tailor , and he actually made the lovely two - piece suite , which she got married in . He also married her in the R . C . Church , as he knew how much her faith meant to her . Mary and Sam Bradshaw , had eight children . The eldest boy was also named Sam . When he grew up , he met a wonderful , down - to - Earth woman named Vera Warrington . They married , and three years later , their eldest daughter was born . Because Vera liked the actress , Marilyn Monroe , she called her eldest daughter Marilyn . There is something good , on the radio tonight , to take my mind off my bad back . My wonderful Mika . My favorite singer - songwriter , has another episode of his occasional radio show , The Art of Song , broadcasting tonight on BBC Radio 2 . My ears cannot wait . The episode is about the work of Carole King . It should be wonderful . But I love Mika 's own work ! I think he is peerless . Here 's one of his songs . I sang this at a previous Storytellers night . It 's a beautiful song called ' Hurts ' Tagged Christianity , Mika , recollectionsLeave a comment Girl On Film ! March 14 , 2017March 14 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Memories It was a brilliant night , last night at The Success Stories Club There were cameras in the room , because a group from Altrincham were filming us , for a documentary . Sharon , who runs the club , did ask if anyone would prefer not to be filmed . I don 't know how many put their hands up , but I certainly didn 't . All my life I have wanted be on film . Actually , a few years ago , when I was looking into , perhaps , being able to work again , I was volunteering at an organisation in Altrincham , called , The Family Contact Line . I was working as a receptionist / admin . They wanted a commercial made for their organisation , which would be shown on a local TV station ( not one of the big stations unfortunately ) anyway , I jumped at the chance to be in the advert . I played a client , who was going for their counselling service . I had to meet the counselor , and then pretend to be having therapy ( not much acting needed for that , in my case , ha ha ) The ad was made , and shown in places like , hospitals and libraries . Several people recognized me and mentioned to me that they had seen me on TV . I was made - up . I also saw the ad , one day , when I was waiting in a hospital waiting room . Sadly , I never did get a job from my volunteering efforts . It might have helped if I had been younger , but I was 51 , and had not worked for many years . I also had disabilities which , I think , stopped the prospective employers . They didn 't admit that though , they just said I didn 't have the relevant experience . They would not have been allowed to refuse me because of disability , so they made something up that they could get away with . A receptionist job would have suited me , and I could have been earning money again , but it was not to be . I tried for two years and was rejected by employers , every time . Then , when the government started to clamp down on the benefits , they picked on the disabled , and I lost my benefit , so Alan and I exist on very little money . My husband Alan worked hard as a binman . It wrecked his body in the end and he developed Asthma from all of the dust he breathed in , yet he hardly gets anything for us to live on . We think it is grossly unfair . This is one reason why I will take any opportunity I can get , to put myself out there as a performer . I am a trained singer and actress , not only that , I am bloody good at both those things . I don 't say that to be boastful . Someone who has taken the knock - backs I have , is not able to be boastful , but I hope that , maybe , just maybe , even at my age , there may be chances for me to be a professional , and earn some money . Therefore , bring - it - on . I 'll put myself out there , with any chance I can get in the hopes that opportunities might come my way . However , having said that , there is another difficulty I face , if I want a professional career . I have no transport . Last night , to go to the club , Alan and I got a taxi . That was okay , but we couldn 't make a habit of it , for the reasons mentioned above . So if I did work professionally , I would have to earn enough to pay for the taxis to where I needed to go . It 's such a pain in the butt ! Last night , the winner of the evening was a lady called Sue . She writes the most lovely poetry and was a worthy winner . I took a picture of her on my phone , but I don 't know how to transfer images from my phone , to the computer . If I had taken the picture on my tablet I could have transferred it , but for some reason , my phone won 't allow me to use a USB , and I don 't know how to use Bluetooth . My phone is capable of accessing the internet , but it 's only on a PAYG card , because I can 't afford a contract , so I can 't share photos by the internet . I will take any advice I can get . I am better with technology than I used to be . For the first time I have figured out how to add a link to this blog . All hail Marilyn ! So I am capable of learning new things , even at my age . The next story night is about a tricky situation . I think I know what I am going to do . I think it will be another song . More on that in another post . I did promise to write the story of my grandparents on this blog . It is the story I shared last night , but I got side - tracked today because of the filming , so I 'll share it in a later blog . For now , I 'll sign off . Enjoy the post and I will post again soon . Love from Mari Tagged StorytellerLeave a comment Spring Is Nearly Sprung ! February 26 , 2017February 26 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Memories I really like this time of year . It is still the Winter , but the nights are drawing out and everything starts to look brighter . The snowdrops and crocuses begin to appear , and we start to think that Spring is just around the corner . This Winter , I have been so glad I live in Manchester . We have had much better weather than many areas of the UK . We have had only had a slight dusting of snow , which didn 't last long , and no ice . I hate the ice , because I don 't have good balance at the best of times , and the ice makes me too afraid to venture outside . I had an Auntie , named Betty , who I always remember at this time of year . Auntie Betty loved the sunshine . I think if she could have lived in a hot country , she would have . When February came along , she would go out to her garden and look for buds on the hedge . When she spotted them , she would be so happy . But Betty could not go and live in the sunshine , because she looked after her aged mother . Her mother was an Irish woman whom we all called Nana . Nana died in 1974 , aged 91 , and she had never lost her Irish accent , or her love of that green isle . This brings me neatly onto the storyteller 's club which I go to . We meet again on the 13th of February , and the theme will be " Tales From The Emerald Isle " . I don 't know any Irish folk tales , or anything like that , but my Nana 's story , of being a young Irish immigrant and what happened to her after she came England , is a fascinating story , and I will share that story on the night . It 's actually very romantic . I will write the story on here , after I have told it at storytellers . One aspect of the story , which I will share on here today , is about my Nana 's father , William Wright . He was a sailor , until he decided to give up the sea for the sake of his family . That is when he moved them all to England , as there were better job prospects here , for him . However , when he was a merchant sailor , he actually served on the famous clipper ship , ' The Cutty Sark ' , so there is important history in my family of which I am very proud . In the house where I grew up , we actually had Great Granddad 's old sea chest in our spare room . My mum used to hide , mine and my sister 's Christmas Presents in it when we were children . So I hope you have found this interesting . I will post again soon . Love from Marilyn ( I call myself by my full name , Marilyn Mastin , as a storyteller ) When I was twenty , I was a lonely girl . I had a good family , but no friends . I could not keep up with people my own age , and I was not a pretty girl . I was , what people would describe as , " plain " . I could not grow my hair , as it was affected by all my medication . I used to have it permed , so that it looked like there was more of it than there was , but because it was so thin , if I tried to grow it , it looked like rat 's tails . All of the handsome boys who worked in the same place as me , used to make a bee - line for the pretty girls , with lustrous long locks . They ignored me and I used to feel so upset . When I occasionally , did have a date , they would take me out once , and then not ask me again . They would never give me an explanation . I think that , maybe , they had taken me out for a bet . I met Alan when I joined a Singles Club in Altrincham . In the old days , if you wanted to meet someone , you had to go out and meet them . You did not join dating websites or facebook , you joined Singles Clubs . This particular club , met in a pub called the Moss Trooper , and it was there , that I met Alan . He had been very lonely too . He had lost both his parents and lived alone . We needed each other , and soon realized that we were each other 's soulmate . We were married in 1981 . Another reason to not fear getting older , is that you never know what is around the corner . This time last year I was doing nothing except staying in the house , but I began to go out and I joined a craft group , then a creative writing group , and from the creative writing group , I had an opportunity to join a Storyteller 's club . I mentioned this in a previous post . I began to perform , which is something I have always loved to do . Last month I won the heat . I was ' Storyteller of the Month ' and I won an engraved keyring . I will be headlining at the next Storyteller 's meeting , next Monday Night . I have a story to tell , and will sing a Mika song , called ' Hurts ' , which fits in well with the Love and Hate theme . And for anyone who is alone , this Valentine 's Day . There is someone for everyone , so don 't despair . Love to everyone , from Mari Leave a comment Don 't Mind The Gap January 16 , 2017January 17 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Creationism , Uncategorized When I started this blog , I thought of it as an adventure . Not just for me , but for anyone reading it . I don 't really plan what I 'm going to write about . As a disabled person , maybe I will write about my struggles with rare disabling conditions . As an older woman , maybe I will post about something from my past . As a Christian and a woman of deep faith , I might talk about the things of faith that matter to me . So now I have heard God 's voice in my heart . I believe he wants me to share something else . It is something I found out , by chance ( or design ) some time ago , and it answered some questions which had always puzzled me , about the creation story , told in Genesis . The first puzzling thing , is something that puzzles many people . The Bible only goes back a few thousand years , yet the Earth is supposed to be millions of years old . Science proves this , but whenever I have questioned this in the past , I have received one of two replies . The first reply states that , yes , the Earth is very old , so the six days of creation are not to be taken literally . They always quote the " a thousand years is but a day to God " , idea , and say that the writer just simplified things for the reader . The second reply I always got is that the Bible speaks the absolute truth , and that God took just six days to make the Earth . They maintain that it 's the science which is wrong . Some people even go so far as to suggest that if dinosaurs roamed the Earth , they were here at the same time as man , which goes against everything in the fossil record . Another thing which always puzzled me about the story , is the appearance of Satan . When he appears to Eve in Genesis , Chapter 3 , he is already a bad guy , yet in Isaiah 14 : 12 - 20 , we read that he was in Heaven , but he wanted to become higher than God , so God cast him out of Heaven , but if the universe , and the Earth itself , were still brand new , at that point , when did that happen ? It makes no sense . One day I was reading something in a pamphlet , just flicking through , and something caught my eye . I began to read , and have you ever experienced a feeling when , you find something out , and a light comes on in your head ? It illuminates your thoughts and joins them together , and suddenly everything makes sense ? So here is what I found out . Yes , the Earth is millions of years old . Verse 1 of Genesis states that God created the heavens and the Earth . Christians are always taught that those two verses run concurrently , but if they do they make no sense . If God created the Earth , as it clearly states , in verse 1 , then why is it not a viable planet in verse 2 ? Why is it without form or void ( as some versions of The Bible State ) ? The answer is simple . The verses do not run concurrently , they are millions of years apart . There is a gap of an indeterminable size between the two verses . The Hebrew word for " was " , is the same as for , " became " , so if the Earth " became " without form or void , that indicates that the Earth was there , perfectly fine , supporting dinosaurs and other living things , until something terrible happened which destroyed it again . Basically , what God did , during the six days , was repair a broken planet and get it ready to receive life again . So when the Bible says that God took six days to make the Earth , it is true . The Earth as we know it was completed , and all living things were in place , within six days . So what of Satan ? It 's quite simple really . The war between Satan and his followers , and God and his angels , was a cataclysmic event . It is the event which destroyed The Earth between the first two verses , and left it without form or void . . Some people say that this theory , which is known as , ' The Gap Theory ' , or ' Ruin - Restoration - Creationism ' , isn 't true , because if it was , it would have been mentioned in The Bible . But very often , The Bible leaves out details of a story , such as the childhoods of Jesus and Moses . We don 't know why some things are included and others aren 't . The other argument against it says that sin entered the world with the fall of Adam and Eve , but if the earth was already there , sin would have entered with the fall of Satan . But I suggest that , as Satan is a spirit being , he doesn 't count as a physical person . I also think that when God re - made the Earth , he chose to give it a completely fresh start . He hoped mankind would not be tempted by Satan . When mankind did become corrupt , he considered destroying The Earth again with a flood , but in the end , he left a few survivors to begin again . This proves to me that God did want our planet to exist and thrive . He knows we are not perfect , but he did have a plan in mind for our salvation . His own son Jesus . So I hope you have found this post interesting . Here is something for you to look at , about what I have touched upon in this post . Until next time , may God bless you all . Love from Mari Last evening , I was looking on Sky Movies , for something to watch for a few hours , and I found , The Sound of Music . The thing about this film , for me , is that it is full of memories . I would like to share them with you . At the time , we did not have colour TV at home , and I had only been to the pictures once before . My mum and Dad , you see , did not have much money , and did not believe in wasting it on going to the pictures . They preferred to take us out in the fresh air , but I always longed to go to the pictures . When I heard about The Sound of Music , I longed to see it . I had a cousin called Angela , who was married to a wonderful man called Norman . One day they came to Auntie Betty 's home , while I was there , and invited her , and me , to go and see the film . I was ecstatic ! I would be going out at night , in Norman 's car , to see a film I longed to see . I felt wonderful . It was a magical experience . From the first shots of the mountains as the helicopter sweeps across the landscape , getting lower all the time until it zooms towards Julie Andrews , singing the title song , to the final shot of the family escaping over the mountains , to Switzerland , I was enthralled . I remember hating The Baroness , who tried to come between The Captain and Maria , and I was really glad when she left and The Captain and Maria got married . I was really excited when they were hiding from The Germans , and happy when they got away . The second time I saw it was with my mum and sister , after Norman had died . I loved seeing the film again , and this time , I had a bit more sympathy for The Baroness . Despite her wealth , she was really a lonely woman , who thought she had met the man who would end her loneliness . She loved him truly , and then had to watch him fall passionately for a younger woman . I could , at last , see her point of view . How she tried to get rid of her rival , and when she knew her cause was lost , she left with grace and dignity . Over the years of watching the film . I grew to think that , maybe , she was the character who was the most real of all of them . I saw The Sound of Music again , on a date when I was nineteen . Once again it was magical , but the relationship with that particular guy , proved to be less so . We didn 't stay together . I have seen the movie many more times with Alan and other members of my family , on the television . It still holds great power , and I always love it . When I see it , I am once again with Norman , Angela and Betty , all deceased now , and I always feel that God is also in the movie . It is one I know he would approve of . Tagged The Sound of MusicLeave a comment Potterness is not against Godliness December 5 , 2016December 5 , 2016 by mari9405 , posted in Uncategorized Hello again . For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog , you will know I am a Christian . Therefore , you may be surprised to learn that I am really looking forward to tomorrow . I am going to see the new Harry Potter spin - off movie , ' Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them ' . Alan and I have been to several churches , as I mentioned in a previous post , and we never fitted in anywhere . I remember the pastor of one such church , breaking a DVD of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets , by jumping on it . I kid you not . The sharp bits of the DVD were flying everywhere and could have easily gone into someone 's eyes ! I 'd say that was more dangerous than Harry Potter is . Well in my opinion , they see how popular it is , and they think it is spreading the idea of The Devil 's Black Magic around the world . But like so many fundamental ideas , they judge it , without looking into what Harry Potter is really all about . If they really studied the magical universe created by the visionary author , J . K . Rowling , they wouldn 't see so many differences , they would see many similarities . From the very start of the first story , ' Harry Potter and the Philosopher 's Stone ' , we are introduced to a world of magic , which exists alongside our own . Non magical people , known as ' Muggles ' , do not know this magical world exists . They don 't have the combination , to make the bricks part , so they can enter the alleyway , where all the magical shops are . They can 't enter The Ministry of Magic and they can 't get onto Platform 9 & 3 / 4 to board the Hogwarts Express . They don 't understand that there are good magical people , fighting the forces of evil , which is happening all around them . I believe that too . I think that the spirit world is in exactly the same place as this world , but because we are trapped , at the moment , inside our physical bodies , we cannot access the spirit dimension . We walk this world , mostly unaware of the spirits who are all around us , and we don 't see how they , and Christ himself , are guiding and protecting us . So in a way , there is a magical world out there , which is not too dissimilar to the magical world in the Potter books and movies . There are also many people who believe they have had encounters with angels . Maybe someone has suddenly appeared and pushed them out of the way of a speeding car , or helped them escape from a burning building . The helper then disappears , never to be seen by that person again . They are not wearing tutus and wings . They don 't have halos , but people are convinced they were angels . I also believe that they were . When J . K . Rowling first thought up the world of Harry Potter , I don 't think she was trying to start any kind of religion . I don 't think she thought of it that way , she just wanted to tell a great story . That is all it is , a great story about a fictitious world and made - up characters . But I don 't think her brilliant work deserves to be thought of as unholy , just because the characters are witches and wizards . I think that that is very unfair . The good characters always win against the evil ones , and if people are going to say that Harry Potter is evil , then , in my view , so are movies and books about made - up serial killers and thieves , for aren 't murderers and thieves also sinners ? Couldn 't those films also be promoting evil ? Yet , when we read those books or watch those films , it doesn 't make us into a serial killer of a thief , we just enjoy the story . At the end of the day , a story is a story , and in J . K . Rowling 's case , she created something very special ( in my opinion ) with the Harry Potter franchise . It 's a lot of fun , and fans often say it 's about love , and tolerance , about not judging someone because they are different . I agree with that , and if such positive vibes are created by the world of Harry Potter , how can it possibly be evil ? My own opinion is that God would not be against it . So this is why I love everything to do with Harry Potter and have read all the books and always go and see the movies when they are in the cinema . I am 62 , but I get just as exited as a young girl when I see the films . I am really pleased that there are more ' Fantastic Beasts ' movies to come . first , let me explain something . When my mother was a child , she was a champion swimmer . She used to win every race she entered , and she almost qualified as a lifesaver . She could have become a lifeguard if things had been different . Just as she moved into her teenage years , she began to have trouble with her skin . She developed a weird kind of rash all over her body . By the time I was diagnosed with the genetic condition , Tuberous Sclerosis Complex , my mother had died , so she never knew that her skin problem had happened because she had had the condition , and then had passed it on to me through no fault of her own . Until I was ten years old I had never set foot inside a swimming baths . I had heard my mother 's tales of triumph , when she was young , and had always wanted to go and learn to swim . My Dad could swim , but he was working most of the time and when he wasn 't , he was tired . He had a very hard manual job , laying and maintaining the railway tracks , so when he got home , the last thing he wanted to do was take his daughters to learn to swim . Then came the time when I was due to go to the baths , with the school . I was so excited and someone in the family gave me a swimsuit . I arrived at the baths in Altrincham , got changed and then started to walk down the steps into the water . I don 't know how it happened , but I was suddenly UNDER the water ! I was drowning ! I really thought I was going to die . I seemed to be under for ages and the bubbles of my breath were all around me . Then , a hand gripped me from behind , and I was saved . I never really got over the experience of almost drowning . A few weeks later I was at our local shops when a torrential downpour happened . It was one of those monsoon - like storms that we sometimes get in the Summer time , and the big drops looked , to me , like the bubbles I had seen all around me when I was drowning . I experienced my first panic - attack . Of course , I knew what had caused the attack . I didn 't need a psychologist to tell me it was linked to my experience of almost drowning . But , for a time , I was furious inside . I blamed my mum and dad . I felt that if Mum had not been bothered about her skin problem , and had taken me to learn to swim when I was younger , I would not have had that drowning incident . I also felt that my Dad had let me down . He could have taken me instead . The thing is that , because , my first time in the baths had been with my class at school , no one had noticed me going under . There were so many children , they couldn 't see them all at once . If my first time had been with my mother , or father , both strong swimmers , the incident would not have happened . If I had slipped under , they would have just pulled me back up quickly , and I would have been okay . Of course , I learned to put the incident in the past , but it left me with two longtime effects . I can not go out in monsoon - like rain . If I am outside , and caught in a sudden downpour , I have a panic - attack . I have also , never learned to swim . However , I did force myself to go into the water , so that I could take my son . After he was born I swore that he would learn to swim , and I took him into the swimming baths myself . Then , when he was five years old , I took him for lessons , and he did learn to swim , even though he hates it . But I know that if he fell into some water , he would be okay . I did not continue to be angry at my parents . I think every parent looks back and wishes they had done something different . My parents were fine people who did their best in difficult conditions . Neither of them were healthy . Mum had undiagnosed Tuberous Sclerosis Complex , and Dad had a very bad stomach ulcer which affected his health badly . They both , also developed heart problems which killed them both , in the end . Tagged panic - attacks , Swimming , Tuberous SclerosisLeave a comment A Man Who Is Forever Golden November 7 , 2016January 19 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Uncategorized Hello again . I hope , if you are reading my blog posts , that I am keeping them interesting . I like to write about many different things . If you have been reading my posts , you will know that I rely a lot on voices . I don 't recognize faces , but voices , I can recognize . However , there was a time when I heard a voice I did not recognize and I was desperate to know who that voice belonged to . When I found out the identity of the man with the golden voice , it kind - of changed my life . I was working in a charity shop at the time . It was 2007 , and it was the year of the big floods in the UK , but I heard a man singing on the radio , and it was like , he brought the sun with him , in his voice . I knew I had never heard his voice before , or the lovely song he was singing , but I knew , I had to find out who he was . Let 's cut a long story short . I learned that his full name is Michael Holbrook Penniman Junior . He is half American , and half Lebanese and his home is in the UK . All of this is encapsulated in one short word . His was the voice I was listening to . Until that time I had never heard of Mika , but he had already had a huge hit with a song called ' Grace Kelly ' . I had been listening to his 2nd UK hit , ' Love Today ' . Of course , I got onto the computer at home and looked him up . I saw different concerts he had performed , on You Tube , and I became a huge fan of this charismatic , curly - haired young man , with the beautiful smile and stratespheric vocals . In 2007 , Mika was very well known in the UK . His first album , ' Life In Cartoon Motion ' , sold over 6 million copies worldwide . He won four World Music Awards , that year , and it seemed his career was really taking off . I envisioned him performing in The O2 in London before too long , but sadly , that never happened . First , he was a bit of a loose cannon . He wanted to make the kinds of music which suited him . He wasn 't interested in the commercial aspect of the pop industry . He wrote his own music so he could not bring out his albums as quickly as someone who could get someone else to write their songs and the people he collaborated with , in the early days , were not well known . . For some reason The Powers That Be , and the media , made a big thing about the people who had influenced Mika 's music . People like Elton John and Freddie Mercury , who he was always being compared to . But the thing is , every pop star is influenced by someone who came before , but usually no one bothers about those influences . With Mika , however , people were always writing that he was channeling Freddie Mercury , or that his music had this , or that , influence . No one gave him credit for the wonderful songs he wrote and sang . To be honest . I think Mika 's music is unique and it 's a shame the whole world does not hear it . If he had said those three little words , they may not have been so hard on him . But Mika would not say them . For heavens sake ! It was none of anyone 's business . Of course his fans had mostly guessed , and we were fine about it , but Mika took his time . He was not going to come - out to order . He came out when the time was right for him to do it . By the time he came out , in 2012 , the UK press were no longer interested in him , so it 's possible that UK people who were not following Mika 's career , did not know that he finally said that he is gay . He has a long - time partner and his song ' Origin of Love ' , from his third album ' The Origin of Love ' is dedicated to the man Mika loves . Actually , Mika is the gay icon that the world 's gay population do not seem to know exists . His music was always influenced by his sexuality , and songs like ' Billy Brown ' , from the album ' Life In Cartoon Motion ' , and ' Toy Boy ' , from the second album , ' The Boy Who Knew Too Much ' , are very obviously about gay relationships . But in his fourth album , ' No Place In Heaven ' , there is a song called ' Good Guys ' , and it has a line which says . " Where have all the gay guys gone ? " It 's about all of the gay guys who influenced Mika when he was young . He also never managed to break America . If a UK act breaks America it garners great respect for them in the UK . Adele and One Direction broke into the American market and the UK media were thrilled about it , but Mika never managed to make it big in The States . American radio did play Grace Kelly , but there is a line in it where Mika says " I tried to be like Grace Kelly , " and the DJs thought he wanted to be a woman , so they wouldn 't play the song enough to make it a hit in the US . It didn 't occur to them that the song is metaphoric , not literal . It is , in fact , a wonderful song about finding one 's own place in the world . Not being dictated to by other people . Mika , who is multi - lingual , has spent the last few years judging The X factor in Italy , and The voice , in France . He has also hosted an occasional radio series in the UK , called ' The Art Of Song ' , where he plays the songs of the artists which have meant something to him over the years . He plays a wide variety of wonderful music on the show , and also performs some of them himself , at a piano , donated by Elton John . I urge you all to look up this wonderful , sadly overlooked singer - songwriter . You will not be sorry if you do . Like he did for me , he will put the sunshine into your life . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer .
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Abby and Andy were Labrador Retrievers of mine who have since passed away . I started this blog to chronicle their lives . Now that I 've told their stories , I will post whatever pops into my head . I had two sets of friends growing up . One was the friends I grew up with in the south part of Greensboro . The other was my swim team friends who were from the north part of Greensboro . These friends were quite different to say the least . Also , these groups of friends did not mix . I rarely had my swim team friends over at my house . I lived 5 or more miles from them and it was out of their way . Once in a while , they would come over . I rarely talked about the demographic make - up in my neighborhood . It was over 80 % black . On our street , there was only one white family : ours . I 've been in a car with my swim team friends and caught them staring at neighbors and processing the information of what they were seeing . I knew what they were thinking . They didn 't have to say anything . They were uncomfortable . I 'm sure in each and every one of their heads they thought of Chevy Chase 's line in Vacation when the family was in East St . Louis : " Roll ' em up ! " I also didn 't want people over because of my dad 's habit of walking around the house only in his fruit of the looms . My parents also didn 't like having guests over . So , I don 't have many stories of my friends interacting with my family or my pets . It was a late afternoon when a group of my swim team friends came over . There were about 3 or 4 of them . My family still had a handful of cats but not near the peak from 10 years before that when we had around 40 cats . We were about to go inside when we caught sight of a cat dining on a freshly killed squirrel . I knew this was going to make my friends queasy . By this time in my life , I became desensitized to such predator - prey scenes . But I knew some friends would be repulsed by this . It reminded me of a scene similar to this but when I was 8 . A cat had caught a rabbit and was feasting on it . I expressed my pride in the cat 's hunting prowess . A neighbor gave me an ugly look and said " How would you like it if a great big lion attacked you ? You wouldn 't like it then , would you ? " I wish to hell I knew about the word " non sequitur " then because the girl 's comparison was idiotic . At the tender age of 8 , I had been exposed to my first experience with a candy - ass animal rights activist . I didn 't answer back and it was probably for the best . Animal rights activists and others on her side of the political spectrum can become unhinged when confronted on matters central to their beliefs . I kept quiet and kept watching the cat eat the rabbit . So , here we were passing by the cat as he ate fresh squirrel meat . I was not prepared for what happened next . He looked up at us and had so much blood on his chin that it looked like a goatee : a blood goatee ! My friends were absolutely repulsed . I can still hear them go " ewwwwww ! " Admittedly , it was pretty damn nasty . Unlike them and being the jackass I was , I started laughing ! The cat looked like it had emerged from the depths of hell with its satanic expression . I wish I had taken a picture of that one . I wonder if any of those friends remember that incident . In the 70 's , we had a white cat named Dummy . He looked similar to Dodo , having a short white coat and blue eyes . Dummy was a little huskier than Dodo . Dummy looked like a version of Dodo if Dodo 's IQ were 50 points lower . Dummy 's crossed - eyes were much more pronounced than Dodo 's slight crossed - eyes . Dummy 's crossed - eyes affected his vision . He would move his head side to side in a moderately quick fashion to visualize things . Like Dodo , he had a raspy cry . He was a sweet cat but he did earn his name " Dummy " for a good reason . He was dumb as hell . During a winter storm , Dummy climbed an elm tree ( I 'm not sure if it was elm . ) standing just outside my window at the corner of the house . The tree easily stood over 50ft high . The first branch was at least 20ft from the ground . I never was able to climb this tree . Unfortunately , Dummy was . Even worse , he couldn 't get down . Worse than that were the single digit temperatures due to a winter storm passing through . About a quarter of an inch of ice caked on the trees . My dad called the fire department . Due to the inclement weather , they were not able to help out . Meanwhile , Dummy sat on the branch a couple of dozen feet above the ground crying . My dad managed to borrow someone 's ladder and get the cat down . Finding a tall ladder under the circumstances was a chore in itself . I didn 't see my dad retrieve the cat but he took a hell of a chance in those treacherous conditions but he did it . In a different incident during a summer 's day , Dummy got stuck on the roof . He most likely climbed on the roof by climbing up a knotty , short pine tree by our front sidewalk and walking across a branch hanging over the sidewalk extending all the way to the roof . It was an easy journey because I was able to get on the house by that route myself as a kid . My mom , dad and I were staring at Dummy who was sitting at the edge of the roof looking down on us and crying . He couldn 't get down . Once again , he was stuck . We pleaded with him to get down . We walked over under the branch he walked on in the hopes he would get the idea of walking back on to get down . Each time we begged him to come down ( " Come on Dummy . Come on ! " ) , he responded by crying . My dad or I was close to going up there to bring Dummy down . We called him a few more times for good measure . He stood up , cried and jumped off . I can still hear his little fat body " plopping " on the ground . It was only an 8ft drop but still risky . He shook it off and walked over to us so we could pet him . We all started laughing . We couldn 't believe the cat would do something so damned crazy ! Poor Dummy . He wasn 't too bright but he was a sweet cat . He definitely earned his name : Dummy . There were limits to my generosity and capacity to love when it came to animals . I realize that this blog has at times seemed self - congratulatory about how special Abby and Andy were along with my role in their lives . They were wonderful babies and I 'd like to think I had a hand in it . I have showed streaks of compassion for some stray animals much to the dismay of people who know me in real life who at times thought of me to be cynical and crass about humanity . I remember a conversation I had with someone in grad school about welfare . He pointed out that my views on the subject were at odds with my humanity showed toward Father . In the late summer of 2008 , a stray dog wandered into my mom 's yard . My mom called me to ask what to do . I was still living in my condo , so I said do nothing until I drive over there . I looked at the dog . He had a tan , short - haired coat and was a medium size . He seemed nice but I worried how he would act around Abby and Andy . Andy was anti - social and Abby was old . Abby didn 't have the strength she did . I worried she wouldn 't be able to keep this dog in line . I also worried about the money needed to take care of it . I had just been laid - off . Money was going to be tight . I also worried about my dad 's finances . He was hopelessly in debt , and his debt grew as he grew sicker . In a matter of months in the next year , my dad went through thousands of dollars for healthcare after he had a couple of strokes . He needed every dollar he had . My mom , too , had money problems . Her spendthrift ways over the last decade had caught up with her . She , like I , had to go into miser mode . We didn 't have the money to take care of the dog . My dad wanted to keep it , but he wasn 't physically able and didn 't have the means to take care of it . I made the decision to call animal control . The move was almost certain death for the dog . Animal control arrived about 2 hours after we called . The officer had a restraining device to control the dog even though it was overkill since the dog seemed behaved . The stray yelped loudly when the collar was put on him . My dad stood at his window looking at the scene with frown on his face . He knew the dog 's days were numbered . Further , he couldn 't do anything about it . He had lost his status as head of the family and the decision making abilities that go with it . He felt helpless . There was no use trying to explain to him that we didn 't have the money or the time to take care of the stray . We already had an old arthritic female lab , a straggly stray cat and an aging dog with a bad back to take care of . We also had an aging old man with diabetes , end - stage kidney disease , and congestive heart failure to take care of . Our plate was full . We didn 't have room to take this poor stray in . Things would get worse for me and my mom , worse than we expected . I underestimated the money and time needed to take care of my dad and our pets . My generosity had limits unfortunately for that stray dog . I don 't know if anyone ever adopted it . Four days after spring break ended ( Thursday ) , I checked my phone and saw my mom had called me early in the morning . I knew from the time of the call alone that it was bad news . Oddly , she didn 't leave a message . ( The message showed up a week later . ) I called my mom . She was crying as she told me about Andy falling down late Wednesday night and hitting his head on the table . He was blind , swaying his head side to side and could not get up . I would have come down right then but I had an appointment with my legal writing professor . She is the type that would have had a hissy fit if I had cancelled . If I had asked her to postpone , she would have turned me down citing some war - story about a mean judge . I convinced my mom to wait until Friday to do something . He should have been put down on Thursday but I had to see him one more time . Late Friday morning , after the appointment , I went back to Raleigh . I brought some roast beef sandwiches . Andy twitched his nose but would not eat any . He looked bad and I had no doubt his time had come . I should have had a vet put him down on Friday but I couldn 't let go . It 's so damned hard . These last moments were not quality moments . I 'd rather have spent my last moments with Andy on a sunny day at the pool , playing and cooking out . I had to take what I could get . Watching him sleeping gave me some comfort . I held on too long . Andy didn 't eat on his last two days and he didn 't drink on his last day . We made an appointment with a mobile vet for late Monday morning . Andy 's spirit stood strong even though his body was failing him . In his last night , he was dreaming . During the dream , his legs were going through running motions . I hope he was dreaming about fun times he had in his youth such as the days he ran around the front yard playing with Abby , Father , me , tennis balls , frisbies and toys . Maybe he was dreaming about playing in the pool on a summer day . His world was ending and he still thought he was a baby . Only Andy could do something cute while dying . I wasn 't able to stay at the very end . I had to go to class on Monday and I had to hand in my blue book exam ( or what I had completed ) . I hugged him and said good bye . He went back to sleep . My mom said he was sleeping when he was put to sleep . When I got the news , I was in eastern NC . How fitting that was , I thought , because Pandy and Abby were both from eastern NC when they were puppies . I made it to school and took care of things . At the end of the day , I went to my carrel and started crying . I couldn 't help it . I don 't like grieving in public , but at that point I didn 't give a shit who saw me . Fortunately , very few people were there because a " Post Blue Book Exam " reception was in the lobby with a keg of beer . No one was around me , but if they were , then they would have thought I was upset over that goddamned exam . My Baby Boy was gone . He was the one that Beauty smiled upon . I often jokingly thought that when they were handing out looks , Andy went through that line twice . He was also very sweet and smart . Abby will always be special to me but Andy became closer . I don 't know when I 'll get another dog . I 'm busy and dogs do take time . They are not fashion accessories . They need love and attention . A fully grown dog needs at least an hour 's worth of an owner 's attention a day . A puppy needs so much more . I miss the excitement and joy a Labrador puppy brings to a house . Labs are wonderful dogs . I just wished they lived a little longer . Twelve years isn 't enough . I miss my babies . Fifteen years ago , I made a decision to keep Abby . The decision could have easily gone the other way . I don 't know what my life would have been like without them . If my next generation of Labs are half as good as Abby and Andy , I 'll be thrilled . They set the bar high . I spent as much time as I could with Andy over spring break . I 'm glad I did because a week after spring break ended , he died . I knew his time was soon , but not that soon . I 'm glad I put off things on my " To Do " list such as doing my taxes , my dad 's taxes and a courtroom assignment ( for my law skills class ) . I put those off and stayed with my Baby Boy instead . I did study and work on some outlines but after that was done , I stayed in the living room with Andy to be with him . He slept a lot but he looked good and moved around well . He still liked Arby 's roast beef sandwiches . If the weather was warm , I 'd sit out back with him to give him a different venue to hang out . The most memorable moment of spring break was the end . As I put my laptop in its case , Andy hung his head with a long face . He was saddened because he knew I was going bye - bye . Andy was close , so close , to his 13th birthday . I knew these moments would be over soon . He didn 't have much time to live . I just didn 't know how much time . What really disheartened me was his heightened response to my leaving . When I left for school in August or after Christmas , he didn 't act this way , not even close . I had left many other times after weekend visits and he didn 't get upset . But this time , the last time , he pined over my imminent departure . I went over to him , pet him and kissed him . He stiffened his neck trying to resist my attempts to kiss him . Andy always grew tense when he knew I was leaving without him . My mom , watching the whole thing , started crying . That Good - bye would essentially be our last . The next time I saw Andy , he was disoriented in a fugue state as he was dying . On a warm day in February , Andy took a little baby boy swim . My mom called me later in the day to tell me the story . I was sad about not being there to see it . My mom said she was out in the backyard piddling around and had Andy in the backyard with her . She looked around and saw him swimming in the water . My little man sneaked into the pool to cool off . Well into his senior years , he loved to swim . When he was an adolescent , he would swim in the pool with ice floating around . Compare this to Abby 's last swim . I had to beg and plead for her to get in the water . Even then , she begrudgingly did it out of loyalty to me . However , like Andy , she needed help to get out . I was with Abby on her last swim so I could help her out easily . Andy , on the other hand , didn 't have me around . He was stuck and stood there for a while . My mom lifted her shorts up and got on the steps to go behind Andy and help him out . It took effort , she said , but she got him out . She said the water was cold as hell . I asked her what she would have done had she not been able to get him out . " Call the fire department " she said . I don 't think she was being flippant . She was serious . So , within a month of dying , my Baby Boy took his last swim . He went by himself because he still loved swimming . He enjoyed life all the way to the end . Christmas break came and gave me 3 weeks to spend with my Baby Boy . Our moments tended to be quiet and peaceful . I just liked having him around and looking at him . During the break , a winter storm passed through . We had 2 or 3 inches of snow . I fretted because I could not find Andy 's Bottom 's Up leash . I worried he would fall in the snow and aggravate his back problem . I was also irritated because I thought my mom had thrown it away . I don 't know what the antonym for " hoarding " is but it would aptly describe my mom . I could dedicate a chapter to the things she has thrown away from legal papers , contracts to wallets . On the first day , he walked unassisted on the snow without any problems . I was anxious the whole time he was out there . On the next morning , my mom told me she found the leash . She hadn 't thrown it away after all . I put the leash on Andy and went out . As fate would have it , I fell . Other than my ego , I wasn 't hurt . Andy stood sturdy and tall . Here I was worried about his back and arthritis and I am the one who ends up falling . Andy skated right through without any problems ! As Andy aged , he had a hard time maintaining his weight . I worried because he was losing muscle mass . Accordingly , I took measures to encourage his appetite . If he wanted to ' sneak ' out to the kitchen and eat the cat food , I 'd let him . He knew he shouldn 't do it making it that much cuter . During the school year , I developed a hankering for Arby 's roast beef sandwiches . I took one into the living room where Andy was and walked right past him . I could see him point his nose in the air and twitch it . He was interested in the roast beef sandwich . Curious to see if he 'd eat it , I pinched off a bite and gave it to Andy . He snapped it up . Baby Boy loved it . Eventually , Andy would not wait for me to give him some but would press the matter by walking right up to my desk and stare at me . He never went to my desk in the living room because it was in a corner and the cramped quarters scared him . The love of tooties won over his fears . Andy would ignore his claustrophobia and get his tooty . He loved Arby 's roast beef sandwiches that much . I would buy 4 or 5 roast beef sandwiches from the $ 1 menu , cut them into quarters and feed them to Andy over the weekends when I was there . The Arby 's workers came to recognize me and make small talk saying " You must really like these . " I didn 't have the heart to say it was dog food . For the sake of politeness , I kept that to myself . I left Andy behind when I went to school . Moving would have been hard on him . He needed to go out often and he hated to be alone . I 'd be at school for several hours a day . He would be by himself and would be miserable . If I absolutely had to , I could have rented a small one - story house so Andy could get in and out easy but he would still be alone quite often . My mom provided him with around the clock care and attention . Andy loved her companionship . My mom probably loved Andy more than I did . I lived far enough away so my mom couldn 't make demands like " Go get my mail for me " without looking crazy . I did live close enough so that I wouldn 't have to book a flight to come home for an emergency but could drive home instead . I knew Andy 's days were drawing near . I came home several times during each semseter . I could visit Andy and get in my studying . Andy was happy to see me . Fortunately for me , he did not pine away at my absence . Out of sight , out of mind . I hated leaving my Baby Boy behind but I knew he was in good hands with my mom . From the summer of 2009 until I went to law school the next year , Andy had a quiet , pleasant and uneventful life . We enjoyed each other 's company . There were not that many cute stories . A lack of drama was welcome and appreciated . We just liked having Andy around . He swam with me and my mom . He would spend time on the patio with my mom when she sunbathed , my mom in one lounge chair and Andy in another . He would sit by the patio table when we cooked out knowing he would get a tooty . I had to watch what I did around him . In spirit , he still thought he was a baby and would try to act like one . For example , I saw a tomato bitten by a small animal and picked it . I cocked my arm back to throw it when in the corner of my eye , I saw Andy 's eye widen and his body crouch as if he was about the chase it down . I had to immediately stop him or he would have sprinted , causing him so much pain the next day that no amount of pain pill could alleviate . There were days he over did it and had to take it easy the next day . Andy had some bowel problems . He would use the bathroom in his sleep . Often , I 'd clean it up while he was still sleeping and he wouldn 't even know he had an accident . One thing that was cute was watching Andy and Dodo eat one another 's food . Andy knew he wasn 't supposed to eat Dodo 's food . I didn 't mind him eating the cat food , but I was worried about him walking on the slippery hardwood kitchen floors . Andy would patiently wait until he thought no one was around and make a break for it . He was a sneaky little man . I thought it was cute . Meanwhile , Dodo would eat Andy 's food . Dodo especially loved dog food from a freshly opened bag . What made Dodo 's thievery cute was his standing on his hind legs to get to the elevated bowls . We purchased the elevated bowls so Abby and Andy could more easily reach their food . Andy and Dodo didn 't get mad at each other . I didn 't mind Andy eating the food . He was losing weight and muscle mass . Andy 's recovery was also a relief to me and my mom . My dad 's health steadily declined . He eventually went into a nursing home and a few weeks before I went to school , he died . Andy was quite attached to my mom when he was a puppy . Eventually , their relationship returned to that state . My mom took a bigger role in caring for him , giving him food and medicines . Andy would gaze at her the way he did in his youth , a wide - eyed fixation . I didn 't grow jealous because I knew in a year that I 'd be moving from Raleigh . Having Andy in good care with someone he loved took high importance to me . In the mornings , my mom woke up earlier than I did . We took ' shifts ' looking after my dad . My mom did quite a bit in the morning , afternoon and evening . I did my part in the evening . I 'd stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning to keep an eye on him . Sometimes my dad became confused and would do loopy things in his bewildered state . I 'd also check on him to see if he needed food or drink . Dialysis limited his mobility and he had to stay in his room once it started . He was captive in that room for 10 hours a day . When my mom woke up , Andy would go the door between the dining room and kitchen . He would stand there watching her every move . My mom would take that opportunity to give him his medicines hidden in food ( " tooties " ) . She would open the door and hand him food . Normally , I 'd be sleeping but sometimes I would drift out sleep to hear Andy chomping on his tooty . Other times , I could see his tail wagging as my mom approached the door . I 'd fall back asleep , usually . My mom would also let Andy out the other door and outside so he could use the bathroom . Andy would immediately return to the living room by the couch beside me and sleep . He was my little soldier being loyal to me . When I woke up , he would go in the den with my mom . I had to share Andy with someone . I knew eventually , I would have to let him go . I was going to move and he was not able to make the trip with me . I was glad he would be with my mom . The lala 'd each other a whole lot . Soon after Andy was uncaged , we let him swim again . The vet recommended swimming as a form of physical therapy . Getting Andy to swim would not be a problem . The vet did suggest we use some sort of flotation device for Andy in his first week or so of swimming again . I never knew life vests for dogs existed until then . I went to a pet store and found one . I bought it and brought it home . It took some adjusting for me to properly adjust the straps to fit Andy . Andy patiently waited while I made the adjustments . I pointed to the pool and told him " Get in the watty . " I didn 't have to twist his arm . He went in and I followed . He swam laps and in circles . He would swim to me or my mom so we could hold him . He loved being in our arms while we stood in the shallow end . Other times , he would stand on the steps . The water cooled him and the " weightlessness " relaxed and soothed him . He would swim regularly from then on . After a week , he didn 't need to use the life vest . There were times he needed help getting out because his back legs were still a little weak . He still loved to swim . He was enjoying life . After 6 weeks of rest and rehabilitation , Andy was stronger and steadier on his feet . I stopped using the Bottom 's Up leash . He was able to move around freely outside . I had to keep an eye on him making sure he would not run or jump . At heart , he still felt like a baby and was playful . I also decided to remove the cage . On the day I did it , Andy was still standing in it when I removed it . Removal took about 30 seconds . He stood there motionless . An invisible barrier still existed in his mind making him think he was supposed to stay in the area where the cage had been . I kneeled down and asked him to come over to me . He vigorously wagged his tail and walked over to me . He was happy to be free . In his first week of freedom , he needed readjusting to walking without support . His walk was more like a waddle . He walked the way astronauts did on the moon . He got to where he wanted but he did it in a goofy way . Once he got his bearings after a few days , he walked normally . Unsurprisingly , one of the first things he tried to do was climb on the couch . I told him no and he stopped . The cage didn 't go to waste . For a few weeks after , I arranged the cage into the form of a wall and put it in front of the couch . After a while he got the message that he wasn 't supposed to get on the couch . He was such a sweet baby . He mostly stayed on the floor unless he was scared such as during a storm . Otherwise , he would lie on a pallet we made out of blankets . He no longer feared the living room anymore . He preferred staying in the living room . Andy was going to be OK . Before Andy 's return , I bought a cage for Andy to stay in while he recovered from surgery . The vet said Andy had to stay as calm and still as possible for several weeks . The vet forbid Andy from climbing on furniture again . So , I put the cage in the living room , the only room with enough space for it . It was about 4 or 5 feet wide and over 3ft tall . It was roomy enough affording comfort but not too roomy allowing him to move too much . We put blankets on the ground in case he had any accidents . At first , he did have accidents frequently . As he was weaned off some medications , his incontinence ceased but he did have occasional bowel problems that persisted until he died . Since Andy became injured , he did not like to be alone . I slept in the living room with him . The couch wasn 't too bad and I could get a normal sleep . Andy loved the company . He would glance up at me once in a while and fall back asleep . During the day , my mom stayed in the living room . Normally , she spent a lot of time in the den , but for her Baby Boy , she adjusted her habits for Andy 's sake . I worried at first about having the cage in the living room because Andy was scared of the living room . When he was healthy , he would not go in there . He had a spooked look on his face whenever we tried to lure him in . I also worried how he would react to the cage . Fortunately , neither the venue nor the cage would be an issue . Andy balked at first when he reached the cage 's gate but after I prodded him to get in , he went in . We had a bowl of food and water for him . We would give him tooties from time to time . I had to walk him several times a day because of his incontinence . In the first week , I still had to use quite a bit of force to support his back end . After time , I found I needed less and less energy to support him . After 6 weeks , he wouldn 't need any support . Andy had someone with him 24 hours a day . He was never short of attention or companionship . Unfortunately for me and my mom , just as things were looking up for Andy , my dad 's health got worse . From the time Andy 's back problems resurfaced to the end of his recovery , my dad had at least 2 strokes . He spent weeks in the hospital and rehab . Oddly , my dad was in worse shape at the end of rehab than he was at the start . He couldn 't focus and concentrate . At times , he was disoriented and confused . Towards the end of his rehab , it became clear he could not do his home dialysis alone . Normally , people on peritoneal dialysis have a two week training program at the dialysis center to prepare them for operating the dialysis equipment . I only had one hour to get this thing down pat . I went to the dialysis center where a nurse trained me on a model my dad used . Each step seemed easy and logical , but when they are added up , it could be confusing and overwhelming . I needed the training because my dad made many mistakes when he tried to set up the equipment upon his return . Andy and I went to the NCSU vet school for another appointment . First , we were going to have an MRI done on him . That alone would cost around $ 1500 . Before I left , the vet ( Gallagher ) spoke to me about contingencies and prices . Gallagher was a nice enough guy , but the ease and fluidity he could rattle off prices was a little off - putting and seemed a little mercenary . ( I realize full disclosure is important but still . . . ) He said after the MRI , he would be able to determine where the injury was and subsequently where they could operate if that was possible . I hugged my Baby Boy and went home . ( I think I had to pay some money upfront . ) Several hours later , Dr . Gallagher called and my mom answered . At first , he spoke to her about the MRI results . My mom told me to get the other cordless phone so we could all speak and listen . I 'm sure Dr . Gallagher thought the arrangement a 40 year old man and his mom had with a dog was weird . Even I think it 's a little weird . Dr . Gallagher told us where Andy 's back problem was , mentioning the vertebrae in particular . He said surgery was a good option and gave us an estimate for the procedure . Sum total , the price amounted to over $ 3000 . I quipped " A good thing about having multiple owners is splitting the bill . " We laughed and then got down to specifics . We gave the authorization for the surgery , scheduled for the next day . The critical moment , the vet said , after the surgery was the day after surgery . Whether the dog was able to stand would be a critical issue . If the dog couldn 't stand , then the surgery did not work . My mom called the vet school the day after the surgery . They had good news . Andy was able to stand on his own and he was doing well . They said he was such a sweet dog and a good patient . Maybe they say this to all the owners . People often treat their dogs like kids and all people think their kids are special . But I think in this case , Andy was one of the sweetest dogs they treated . Andy stayed at the vet for 6 days . I picked him up on a Monday . I spoke to Dr . Gallagher in the lobby for a couple of minutes and went over what medicines Andy had to take and what he could do and not do . I gave Dr . Gallagher the Bottom 's Up leash and shortly after , he brought Andy to me . I don 't think Dr . Gallagher had any problems using the leash . Andy didn 't recognize me at first nor did he get excited . He was doped up pretty good . He kept marching forward even after Dr . Gallagher handed me the leash . Andy had a major surgery and needed all the opiates he could get . His eyes were a little dull and glassed over . He also smelled a little ' gamey . ' I put him in my car and went home . Andy was going to live . I went to the NCSU Vet School . The building had as much charm to it as an old Soviet style facility . Sometimes when I 'm at State , I forget that it has a school of architecture when I see some of the buildings on campus . Andy and I went into an examination room with an escort by a vet tech . A few minutes later , a vet and a 3rd year vet student came into the room . He spoke of possible treatments for Andy . He said the first step would be a conservative treatment . We would administer medicines for Andy and have him stay in bed all day and rest all day . He said if that didn 't work , then he 'd like to have an MRI done on Andy to see if surgery is possible . I left Andy with the vet for a couple of hours for them to administer some tests to him . I picked him up a few hours later . When I came back , a vet student came out to speak to me . I forgot her name but she was a cutie . She handed me the medicines Andy had to take along with instructions for each one . I don 't remember them all but gabapentin was one of them . It was hoped it would treat Andy 's falling down . My dad was given the very same medicine because he too had been falling down . Gaba didn 't work well for my dad or Andy . Before leaving , the vet student asked me " He [ Andy ] likes to kiss a lot , doesn 't he ? " I smiled and nodded my head . Inside , I thought of one my nicknames for Andy : Kissybaby . Andy and I went home and started his regimen . We kept him as calm as possible . We gave him his medicines . He was so sweet about everything . He was an easy patient to treat . He wasn 't fussy or stubborn . His tractability and sweetness made nursing him back to health less of a chore than what is was . His spirit was so strong . I couldn 't give up on him . The conservative treatment did not work . He still staggered . I had to use the same force to keep him up with the Bottom 's Up leash after the treatment as compared to before . I think a week and a half later , we scheduled another appointment at the vet school . Andy was going to need surgery . I went to the vet about Andy 's partial paralysis . We went over Andy 's medical history in specific his paralysis problem a year before . The vet said he couldn 't do anything for Andy . He discussed conservative approaches . ( For those unaware , a " conservative approach " in medicine means " not surgery . " ) There were dog rehab facilities around the Triangle . I wasn 't too enthused about that option since it didn 't seem promising . Andy 's problem was big and a canine physical therapist was not going to make things better . The vet talked about referring Andy to the NCSU Veterinary School . He mentioned one specialist by name . There are vets specializing in neurological surgery , just what Andy needed . My vet wanted to wait a few days before making the referral to see if things would improve . Since I had things under control with the Bottom 's Up leash , I didn 't mind and could wait . My vet was intrigued by the special leash . He had never seen one before and of course didn 't know how to use it . We spoke about other walking assistance devices , in particular , a canine wheelchair . I asked if he knew anyone who had used it before . He didn 't but said if we felt Andy needed it , then we should get it . After the vet visit , I dropped Andy off at my mom 's home and went to my condo to pick up some things and clean up . On my way over , my mom called me . The vet called her and said we should take Andy over to NCSU 's vet school that afternoon . He had made an appointment for us . Understandably , this upset me and my mom . We knew Andy 's problem was bad but this indicated it was worse than we thought . I immediately turned around to go home . Andy and I had a date at the Vet School . On the day Andy and I moved in , big problems quickly developed . After I had dropped off Andy at my mom 's , I went back to my condo to get more things . When I returned , my mom told me Andy kept falling down . Perplexed , I asked her what she meant . Andy had been fine earlier that day . I saw Andy out front . He would take a few steps , list to one side , stagger and fall . He would get up and try again only to fall again . His paralysis had returned . It wasn 't a full paralysis but it was bad . We had to get him to the vet as soon as possible . In the meantime , I had to get a walking - assistance device for him because he could barely walk on his own . My mom called a few pet stores in the Raleigh area trying to see which stores had dog walking devices . I went to one place , ( not a big - box store ) in Cary to pick a walking assistance device . It had a pad to go under the belly with strings for the owner to help lift the dog up . I didn 't like this device . It did help assist walking effectively but Andy had a hard time urinating . He would pee all over the pad . I could have taken the pad off while he peed , but Andy needed the support the most when he was using the bathroom . The second device , The Bottom 's Up Leash , worked far better . It had two loops and a leash assembled in one unit . The back legs went through the loops and the leash was used to support him . Andy could easily use the bathroom , both poo - poo and pee - pee . There was a bit of a learning curve trying to put that thing on him . It would fall off if not put on well . I worried at first how Andy would react to this strange thing being put on him . He had neurotic tendencies and could be skittish . If Andy would not let me take care of him and not let me use a walking - assistance device , I would have to make a hard choice - put him to sleep . Andy was lying on the bed when I first attempted to put on the Bottom 's Up leash . The moment of truth had come . He didn 't squirm or fidget . He liked me touching him and loved the attention he was getting . He was so sweet . I would go to great lengths to make him better . Andy 's front legs worked well . When I lifted the leash , he jumped up and got off the bed . The leash worked like a champion . I went out front to let him go to the bathroom . I had to keep his leash taught or else the loops would drop down and I 'd have to put the leash back on . I had to use a good amount of strength to support his back half . My right arm screamed with pain after the first few walks . It was like walking around with a 20lb weight in hand with the arm sticking all the way out . I had to grin and bear it because I knew Andy was in trouble and could be close to dying . These were not Hallmark moments but I had to take what I could get in what could have been my last moments with him . Andy spent almost the whole day in my mom 's bed . He no longer liked being alone . When I worked , I would leave him by himself or 10 or more hours and never had a complaint from him . Now , he cried whenever he was alone for more than 5 minutes . I think he knew something was wrong with him and that he felt vulnerable . He was scared and didn 't want to be by himself . If my mom wasn 't sleeping or napping in there , I would sit in a chair and read a book . My presence placated Andy and made him happy . He would peacefully sleep while I sat and read . I still had time to enroll in law school for Fall 2010 , but I postponed going because I wanted to help my mom with taking care of my ailing dad . He wasn 't getting better and from what we could see , he never would . I wanted to keep him out of a nursing home as long as possible and in the meantime , make arrangements to protect his assets before he went into a nursing home . So , at the tender age of 40 , I moved back in with my parents and put my condo up for sale . I won 't get too morose but taking care of someone needing around the clock care can wear you out . Since I only had a few miles to go , I didn 't rent a truck but made many trips back and forth from my condo to transport my things . Dodo was terrified of the moving . He likes calm and tranquility . He does not like people moving fast and he does not like it when people have shoes on . In tradition of our neurotic pets , Dodo was scared when people had shoes on and would stare at the shoes . Who knows what kind of trauma he had with shoes . It can 't be a happy story . Further , Dodo did not like me . When Dodo first came to our house , he was nice and friendly to me . That changed after I took him to the vet . Dodo did not take kindly to that vet visit . At one point , he had his body pressed against the wall and back arched when he hissed at us . Ever since then , he hated my guts . He ran from any room we were in together . On one of the first few nights I was there , Dodo jumped up on the couch with me and while I was petting him , he turned around and bit me . He then jumped off the couch and ran away . Dodo 's reaction set the tone for what would happen in the next few days . Andy 's paralysis came back and my dad had another stroke . The fun was just about to begin . ( If I had a " sarcastic " font , I would use it here . ) I got my LSAT score 3 days after Abby died . My first thought was " I 'll be damned . I 'm going to law school . " My percentile was quadruple that of my first two practice tests . Those extra 3 weeks of studying made all the difference . I got a decent score and would get into a decent school . I wasn 't happy but more relieved when I saw the score . I was still sad about Abby . At this point , I was glad I wasn 't working . My grief was palpable . I didn 't want to be around other people . Not having to go to work was a good thing at that point in time . Later , I asked my mom why my dad didn 't bid Abby farewell . She said he could not . He was too stricken with grief . She said later that day when they were sitting on the couch , he started crying . A lot of people loved Abby . She was such a good girl . The day after she died , her ashes were ready . I 've waited to scatter them . I will save some ashes to keep with me but I will scatter some at various places . I answered the phone as I was going into the building I lived and heard my mom crying . I knew something was wrong before I even picked up the phone because I had just been over at my mom 's after doing some chores for her . I had just seen her , and she 's not the needy type . Abby fell while going down the steps and couldn 't get up . She would never get up again . I returned to my mom 's upon her request and would spend the night there . We fed Abby and hoped she would recuperate . We made her as comfortable as we could . Other than a few guttural groans once in a while , Abby was quiet . The moans were atypical of Abby 's vocalizations . This was different . It was bad . Later in the night , I got a thin matt and laid it beside Abby . I lay beside her for a few hours . I would have stayed the whole night but Andy kept moving closer and closer to her until he was literally almost on top of her . Abby was too weak to wiggle from under him . I thought Andy 's attachment to her was sweet but I decided to give Abby a little space and went to bed . Andy went to bed at his usual place , my mom 's bed . My mom woke me up the next morning . Secretly , I hoped Abby would die peacefully in her sleep . I didn 't want her to die in a cold and sterile room at the vet . We inquired about a mobile vet but that vet said Abby would be better served by taking her to her regular vet where they had better diagnostic equipment . I was going to take Abby myself but I would be damned if I was going to see her being loaded on an office cart like a sack of potatoes . Instead , we hired someone who transported pets . Abby 's last ride was much more dignified this way . My mom didn 't go to the vet so she bid her farewell to Abby . My dad didn 't even do that . I followed the pet transporter to the vet . The vet told me that Abby had internal bleeding that they couldn 't pinpoint it . The vet said they could do surgery but no guarantees would be made . She then brought up euthanization . She tried being tactful and used inane phrases like " she has lived a full life . " This would be one of many life and death decisions I 'd make over the span of 18 months . I gave the go - ahead to put her down . I went into the back and gave her a final farewell . She was sitting up , more than what she did at home . She didn 't recognize me until I kneeled right beside her . Her nose began to twitch indicating she knew who I was . She gave me a kiss . Her nose and tongue were cold . I hugged her . Soon after , she was gone . On my way home , many thoughts went through my head . Abby had been with me for a third of my life . Oddly and strangely , a dog , this dog , had a positive influence on me . I wasn 't quite the high - strung moody person I was in my 20 's when we got Abby . I had mellowed out and Abby did have a role in that . I also thought about other people suffering in the world , trying to put my pain in perspective . I knew worse things were happening to other people . It didn 't console me . Abby was gone and it hurt a whole fucking bunch . I reflected on my previous thoughts of what criteria I 'd use if I ever had to decide to euthanize Abby . I did have to revise those criteria . If she didn 't eat , couldn 't walk and was in excruciating pain , I would have her put down . Her appetite was not a factor at all in my decision to let her go . In her waning hours , she ate like a king . For example , I gave her a Krispy Kreme donut , which she at first turned away from . An hour later , I heard her rustling around . I didn 't think much of it at the time but when I looked later , the donut was gone . Baby Girl got it . For her last meal , Abby ate bread , eggs , turkey , sausage and a Krispy Kreme donut ! Baby Girl went out in style ! Even in death , Abby could make me smile . As Abby aged , getting her to the vet was harder . She had to walk more than she was used to and well past her comfort level . I had to help her in the car and pick her up and put her down to get her out . On her next to last visit to the vet , her visit was terrible . Normally , I was satisfied with the treatment the vets gave my pets but on that day , they fucked - up all the way around . On our way back to the examination room , we stopped by the scale to weigh Abby but had to take a detour . The scale had urine on it . Accidents happen , but to leave behind a puddle of pee is unhygienic , unsanitary as well as half - assed housekeeping . We had to go an extra 50 feet , which for an old , feeble arthritic dog like Abby is excruciatingly far . The vet tech , the very guy I first saw from 13 years before then when I brought in Father , always had a sharp and hasty edge to him . He was walking at a fast clip ; Abby labored to keep up . After several yards , I snapped at him to slow down . The tone jolted him but he did slow down . Finally , we made it to the other scale . We had to walk a country - ass mile in country - ass Knightdale to get there . Abby had something to say about this trip by the time we arrived at our destination . She shit on the floor right by the scale . She has used scatological messages before to let me know how she feels . On that day , she told the vet " Shit on you , asshole . " The vet tech weighed her and took her blood . Several minutes later , the vet handed me a piece of paper , a print out of Abby 's blood analysis . He circled her BUN and creatinine levels ; both were high . Before he said anything , I knew what that meant . My dad had end - stage kidney disease so I was familiar with these measures to determine kidney health . My Baby Girl had kidney problems . All the years of Deramaxx took a toll on her kidneys . The vet asked if we could scale back on her Deramaxx . There is no way , I said . She was in constant pain and couldn 't live without the pills . I felt like a death warrant had been handed to her . While we were there , I asked the vet to clip her nails . Since Abby didn 't move around much , her nails didn 't naturally trim themselves when she walked . I had this done several times before with Abby without any incidents . This time would be the exception . On one nail , the vet cut too close and drew blood . He used some lame ass excuse that Abby had pulled away . What a shitty thing to do , to blame an old dog . I secretly questioned his skills but didn 't vocalize my concern . He tried to stanch the blood flow but he really dug in there . He finally had to use a special agent to stop the bleeding , a silver nitrate based compound . After 10 minutes , the bleeding stopped . If that guy charged me for addressing her bleeding , I was going to raise hell but luckily , he didn 't . He shouldn 't have even charged $ 15 for the nail clipping service since he fucked it up , but he did . I paid the bill and took Abby back home . I was sad having to face the likelihood of Abby 's imminent demise . And it was near . My neighbor 's Bull Terrier , Turbo , attacked Andy in the hallway . What a shitty punctuation mark to an overall shitty year . I was on my way to see my cousin when I looked through the front door and saw Turbo and one of its owners trying to come in the door . I immediately changed directions to go out the side door . Turbo , unleashed and without barking or growling , scampered right to us , ran in front of Andy jumped up and chomped on Andy 's face , not letting go . I pulled Andy back and Turbo wouldn 't give . He wouldn 't listen to me . Even worse , he wouldn 't listen to his owner . He intensified his efforts to kill Andy . I screamed at the owner to get her goddamn dog off mine . I had a split second decision to make . I thought about kicking the shit out of the dog . I also thought about running back in my condo , getting something and killing the dog . Fortunately , I had some strength in me that I didn 't know I had and pulled Andy loose . We immediately went outside and got in the car . Andy 's ear was bleeding . The other owner ran out , apologized and said he 'd pay for the vet bills . Andy needed 10 stitches . The bill was over $ 600 . I left the bill at the owner 's door the next day . It took him a week until he gave me a check . In the meantime , the delay led me to think he wasn 't going to pay . I was thinking about suing that son of a bitch . That god damn little psychopathic dog was not on a leash . You don 't have to make an " A " in torts to know that it smells like negligence . I even thought about suing the HOA . Our HOA rules stated that no more than 2 pets can live in a unit . Turbo was a new addition to that unit , the third pet . The HOA board knew about this rule violation and did nothing about it . Had that little bastard not lived at that place , Andy would have never been attacked . I 'm sure that claim would be weak , but it would be nice to put the HOA on the defensive after all their high - and - mightiness over the last few years . Luckily , Turbo 's owner paid the bill in full . From then on out , I always carried a hammer with me when I took Andy for a walk . I was going to knock the shit out of that bastard if he so much as snarled at Andy . Andy is such a sweet dog . I 'll be goddamned if I was going to have him die at the jaws of that bloodthirsty little bastard . I don 't know why someone wants a Bull Terrier to begin with . They are ugly as hell . Take a close look at one and not just a glimpse at a distance to see what I mean . In the canine world , they are the missing - link knuckle - draggers with pronounced brow ridges and sloping foreheads . They look like dumb little bastards . They have zero personality . And when they go berserk ( and believe me , they will ) , they go into a blind rage oblivious to other people or even their owners . Personally , I 'd put my dog down if he savagely attacked another dog like that , especially after he ignored its owner during the attack . They lost control over the dog and it subsequently almost killed another dog . That dog is a lawsuit waiting to happen . My mom , towards the end of dinner , told me to look under the table . I lifted the table cloth and saw Abby sitting directly under the middle of the table ! She was laying there and gave me a wide - eyed innocent look . How did an old and arthritic 12 year old dog go unnoticed under a table seating 8 people ? Stealthy was the last word I 'd use to describe my Baby Girl . At that point in her life , the way she moved was best described as " hobbling . " But on that day , she knew where the center of the food activity was and went there . She had a life - long love with food that would last until her final day . By this time in her life , she had a dignified air about her , acting calmly and with good measure . She was so cute reverting back to her old ways . It made me think of her days as a puppy when she had so much spunk . Even though she slept a lot , she still exuded a lot of personality . I found her cuteness and sneakiness at her age to be adorable . Four weeks before my rescheduled LSAT date , I studied in earnest . I had " Plan B " , my preparations for finding a new job , ready to go if I bombed on the LSAT as my practice tests indicated I would . My first two tests were especially atrocious . No law school in the land , even the online ones , was going to grant me admission . But , I paid for the prep course , materials and test , so I was going to take this mother fucker . Every day , I 'd go over at least 20 questions in the logical reasoning segment , my worst segment . I didn 't care how long it took me to get the right answer . I would stare at the book until I got the right answer . Just for the LR section alone , I would take 90 minutes of studying each day . Gradually , very gradually , the time I needed to find the right answers went down . As fate would have it , a wrinkle was thrown into my study plans . Andy was scared when I studied . He would lay down , point his face directly at me and stare at me with a wide - eyed expression . I knew that look and seen it many times before . He had that look when I chewed gum or popped the bubble - packaging from a UPS delivery . The intensity and focus on my face made him nervous . I loved him a whole bunch but there was no way in hell I was going to let a crazy - ass dog derail my studying . Damn , if that dog didn 't live his life in fear . I had to do something . First , I left the TV on but kept the volume down low . Usually , I 'd keep it on TV Land with something like Bonanza or Gunsmoke . I would then pause every 5 or 10 minutes , look at Andy and say something nice to him . He settled down after my efforts to calm him down but he was still slightly on edge . My God does day - time TV suck . TV Land was the only station I could stomach during that time slot . Everything else was either some talk show or a judge show . If this is what I have to look forward to when I retire , then retirement is going to suck . At the end of the LSAT prep course , my decision on if I was going to law school appeared to be determined for me by an outside factor : my LSAT score . My scores were still bad . I would not have gotten in to one single school in the nation , even the online ones , the direction I was heading . I decided to postpone the test and take it 2 months later . I had already paid for the course . There were no refunds so I might as well take the thing . I felt I needed more preparation . There was so much material in my study guides I had not gone over . If I went over that material and still sucked , then I wouldn 't go to law school . So , two days before the test , I rescheduled . Back then , the administrators allowed for last minute changes without any penalty . All I had to do was pay a small fee and I was ready to go . Now , a person cannot change test dates within a few weeks of his scheduled test date . They will have to either show up and take it or receive an " Absent . " The " Absent " would be reported on the person 's LSAC profile . In the meantime , I had two months to study for the LSAT and get ready to find a job if my scores still sucked . In the first month , I prepared for a seminar . In my line of work , scientists interviewing for a job have to give a 45 min seminar as part of their interview . I had to go over several years worth of research to prepare for my seminar . I spoke with other guys who found jobs elsewhere , and they needed a few weeks to get ready for their seminars . By the end of 3 weeks , I had a seminar ready . Had I bombed on my LSAT , I would be ready to pull the trigger on my job search . After taking time off for Christmas and New Years , I would start studying for the LSAT . I realize that up until now , not a word has been mentioned about my dogs . It has all been about me . This entry does set the stage for my next entry about my focus on LSAT studying and how it affected Andy . Seriously , my studying became an issue with Andy , as weird as that sounds . The first night I attended my LSAT prep course would be the longest I had left Andy alone in quite a while . He was accustomed to me being around all the time and expected it . Taking this course would be " Step 1 " towards getting into law school . The course spanned 6 weeks and ended just days before I was to take the real thing . Maybe it was hubris leading me to believe that a month 's worth of preparation would be sufficient . After all , that was the amount of time I needed for the GRE 14 years earlier and I did well on that . For those who don 't know what " hubris " means , it 's a " negative " word , i . e . , not one used to flatter . The cold fist of the LSAT would hit me in the face which will be left for another entry to elaborate . On the first night of the prep course , we took a full - fledged timed LSAT test , but without the writing segment . Counting the introductions and administrative actions and my drive - time , I had left Andy alone for 4 - 5 hours . He was waiting in the hall for me . I hadn 't seen him this excited in a long time . He grabbed a toy and shook his tail so hard that it made the rest of his body " wag . " He breathed hard and started snorting because he could breathe only through his nose . My Baby Boy had been all alone in the universe , a singularity . I was happy to see him happy . The joy Andy brought me softened the blow of a not - so - great night . I bombed on the practice exam , finding out 3 days later . Even worse , after 3 hours of intense focusing on reading , my strained eyes could not re - focus when I looked up . I also had a headache . I was going to need reading glasses . A month after Andy 's paralysis incident , I brought him to my condo . I had plenty of time to think of what I was going to do , where I was going to go and when . Because of GSK 's generous severance package , I was able to take my sweet - ass time to make my next step . In the meanwhile , I would kick it with my Baby Boy and enjoy what time I had with him . One evening after I returned home from working out , I took Andy for a walk . We barely made into the park when trouble started . He started limping , took a few steps and stopped altogether . He held his front paw up and pitifully looked up at me . All I could think was that his bad back had struck again . I also thought he could have sprained or even broken his leg . Regardless , he couldn 't move on his own power . I picked him up , carried him to my car and put him in the back seat . We were going to make yet another trip to the after hours clinic . Not only had I just finished working out , but I had carried an 80lb dog over 100 yards . This was a fusion between cardio and lifting , an extension of my workout . I was tired and hungry , really hungry . Fortunately for me , the night was very mild , so I left Andy in car 5 minutes while I grabbed a quick bite to eat . I knew a long wait may be ahead and my blood sugar was dropping . When I came back , Andy was quietly lying in the back and sleeping . I went to the front desk at the clinic after I pulled into the parking lot . I asked a vet tech for assistance bringing Andy inside . She brought another vet tech with her and a stretcher to carry Andy in . Andy was standing in the back waiting for us . When I opened the door , he jumped out like a horse out of the gates at the Kentucky Derby . He appeared to be OK . The vet techs laughed and we all went inside . After filling out the paperwork , I saw the vet . She inspected him and said he appeared to be fine . I explained why I was overly cautious . She understood . She said unless Andy limped or his leg started to swell in the next few days , he wouldn 't need a follow - up visit at our regular vet . Everything would be fine . I guess Andy stepped on something and it was a false alarm . I didn 't need any more bad news that year . While I was deciding what to do with my life , I helped my mom out with some small chores here and there since I had free time . As my dad grew sicker , his healthcare demands grew larger . I would pick up prescriptions or some small items from the grocery store , for example . I would then visit for a while at my mom 's . I liked the opportunity to visit my Baby Girl . Of course she was happy to see me . She would wag her tail when I entered the door and then wait for me to walk over to pet her . I 'd go in the den where my parents often were and visited . Abby almost always found her way by my side and quietly lay by my feet , touching either me or the chair I was in . She didn 't make a big production of moving by my side . She would quietly toddle over to my chair and lay down . It was her way of establishing a connection with me and saying " Hello . " Abby would occasionally want to go out front . She wasn 't as forceful letting me know compared to her younger days but she made her point . I 'd stand out front with her and watch her sniff around . My mom said she did something different out front when I was there . Abby went much further down the hill compared to when I wasn 't there . Normally at that stage in her life , she stuck close to the house . The arthritis limited her mobility and she knew better than to go too far . But with me there , she went ¾ of the way down the hill and would sit . She would stay there for 10 minutes or more . She would once in a while turn her head to make sure I was there and then keep staring out into the distance without focusing on anything in particular . She sat motionless . I often wondered what was going on in her head . I speculated that she was thinking of her younger days when she was playing with me and her toys out front . She may have been thinking of the times she was roughhousing with Father or chasing Andy around . Of course , she could have been thinking about those squirrels she never quite reach . I 'd like to believe she was thinking of the happy times . Maybe because of all those fun times in the front yard , merely being in that front yard brought her to her " Happy Place . " Being out front may have brought her bliss . These moments were dwindling so I let them last as long as they could . The sun was setting on her . I have no doubt that Andy 's bug - bite was the final domino to fall in his bad - back injury but there were signs before the bug - bite indicating something was wrong with his back . I wasn 't able to pick up on those signals . Sure , the twisting and straining Andy did to scratch at his throat aggravated his back but he had back problems before then . Unfortunately , my limited knowledge about dogs resulted in my overlooking the symptoms of his bad back . First , a few months before the paralysis , Andy 's knees would buckle . He wouldn 't fall on the ground but he would noticeably dip . The knee buckling , when it did happen , took place at the start of our late afternoon walks . I didn 't think much of it and wrote it off as arthritic knees stiffened after a long day of inactivity . Second , Andy would " knuckle " when he walked . Instead of landing on his paws , he would sometimes land on the knuckles and the claws scraping against the sidewalk would make a grating scratching sound . By the time I looked around to see what he was doing , he had lifted his knuckled foot to take another step so I never actually saw him knuckling . It was only a year later when things with his back got much worse that I would see him knuckling . Instead of merely stepping on his knuckles , he would actually stand on them . His numbness in his legs wouldn 't allow him to feel his missteps . The third symptom I overlooked was his incontinence . A few times after I just arrived home , he had to go so bad that he would pee on the living room rug . Also , when I woke up in the morning , I had to immediately take him outside or else he would pee inside . Andy 's bad back pinched on his nerves causing him to lose control of his bladder . The next night , very late , I heard my phone ring . Anyone who knows me knows that they better have a damn good reason for calling late . I don 't remember hearing the phone ring . What woke me up was the long message and my mom 's voice . This wasn 't good , I thought . My first impression was that my dad was in trouble . I distinctly remember my mom saying " Andy can 't walk . " I picked up the phone while my mom was still leaving her message . Andy was walking down the hall , had trouble and collapsed . He tried to get up but couldn 't . Somehow , my mom was able to help him into bed . It was 4am . I could have taken him to the after hours clinic . They close at 8am . I decided to wait until daylight and take him to our regular vet . In the meantime , I went over to my mom 's to see Andy . He was lying on his side on my mom 's bed . He wagged his tail and tried to move his legs . They moved slowly and weakly . He made a pitiful attempt to get up but could not . I laid down beside him and hugged him . This was bad , even Abby knew it . In her attempt to make Andy move , she grabbed one of his toys and put it by his mouth . That always got him going in the past , so Abby tried in her own way to make things right . It was a sweet and tender moment in one that otherwise felt like a kick in the teeth . My mom let my stay with Andy and went to the couch to lie down . This could be it for Andy . A dog that can 't walk is normally put down . I wasn 't ready for this . Andy had been so strong and healthy up ' til then . Abby was the one who had been gradually going downhill . I had been bracing myself for her death in the previous 2 years . But Andy 's death was one I couldn 't deal with . It hurt a whole bunch . At 7 : 30 , I drove my car to the front where it would be easier to bring Andy to the car . I picked Andy up and took him to my car . At the vet , I had a vet tech help me bring him in . I hated how the vet brought animals in . Instead of a stretcher , they used an office cart . Abby had been on it and did not look comfortable on it . I didn 't like seeing her being carted around like she was a piece of office equipment . It wasn 't dignified . The vet was blunt and honest with us about Andy 's prognosis . Andy had a bad back and he may not walk again . He did leave off the putting him down part , but it was understood . The vet put Andy through a regimen of ultrasound treatments on his back and gave him steroids . A patch of hair was shaved off his back to administer the ultrasound treatments . I dropped my mom off and went home . I didn 't go to the lab . I was about to be laid off and couldn 't have gived a shit about work . I emailed my boss who responded that I didn 't have to declare a vacation day giving me a free pass . I stayed home all day waiting for news . At the end of the day , Andy was able to stand on his feet . The next day , he was able to walk . This was the first time Andy stayed overnight at the vet . After his second night there , I picked him up the next day . The vet gave Andy steroids to take over the next two weeks . Andy had to pee frequently and he needed even closer care than when he had the bug bite . He would not stay at my place again for a month . When he did come home , I slept in the living room on the first floor from then on until I moved from my condo . No longer would I sleep in my bed upstairs . I didn 't want Andy climbing stairs anymore and risking aggravating his back . I would sleep on the couch and he would sleep on the couch , love seat or rug . I didn 't sleep in a bed on a regular basis until over two years later . Andy had a close call . I was happy he survived but he would not be able to move with me wherever I went . He was getting old and needed more care . Losing my job wasn 't the sad part for me . Having to let go of my Baby Boy was the sad part . I went home and was going to put the rest of the day behind me . My fate was sealed and there wasn 't shit I could do about it . Weeks later , I found how just how true that was . Someone told me that the managers had already made their decisions of who would stay , even before the Town Hall meeting was held . I wanted to spend the rest of that miserable day with my Baby Boy . Even that would be denied from me . I walked into the door but Andy didn 't come greet me as normal . Instead , he was sitting on the rug in the living room with a scared look in his eyes . I looked closer and his hair all around his neck was matted in a liquid like substance . It was puss . How he got infected , I don 't know . The vet later guessed it was a bug or a spider of some sort that bit Andy causing the infection . Since it was after 6pm , I would have to take Andy to the after hours clinic . I didn 't want to wait until the next day . It looked pretty nasty and Andy must have been in quite a bit of pain . I took him by my mom 's so she could see and we decided to take Andy to the clinic that night . That place costs money , usually around $ 200 just to walk in the door . The vet wasn 't sure if Andy had to stay overnight . She gave me an estimate of the procedure and requested I pay half upfront before any work was done . I signed forms and paid the deposit and went home . A couple of hours later , Andy was ready to go . The vet had shaved Andy 's throat area , cleaned up the area and gave him some medicines . She gave me instructions to not let him scratch the area or else he would aggravate it . She recommended he be supervised around the clock . Andy would have to stay at my mom 's for the next few days . I went back to the vet , picked up Andy and took him to my mom 's . On the way over , he quietly started scratching his throat , just what he wasn 't supposed to do . Since he didn 't have his collar on , I couldn 't tell what he was doing until he had scratched several times . I bet his throat was a hundred times worse than any razor burn I 've ever had . My Baby Boy was miserable . I dropped him off at my mom 's and went home to put an end to an awful day . What a wonderful way to enter middle age . Happy fucking birthday to me . I woke up on my 40th birthday knowing it was going to be a shitty day . GSK had a global R & D Town Hall meeting to reveal what the reorganized company would look like . Our department managers let the word out about the depth of the cuts : " It 's a deep cut . " Sure enough , the budget for R & D was cut in half . It didn 't take a mastermind to figure out that most departments would be cut in half . What was noteworthy about that day was the size of the audiences in RTP , Pennsylvania and France . Even though the announcement was in RTP , the meeting was simulcast to other GSK sites . The audiences in NC and PA were standing - room - only and in good sized auditoriums . However , in France , the video cast was in a conference room with only a half dozen people in it . Were the French not interested in the re - org ? No . French laws make it damned near impossible to fire or lay - off people . Their jobs were safe ; they knew it and couldn 't have cared less about the carnage we were about to face . The execs got down to business and didn 't sugar - coat it . Once I heard the size of the budget decrease , I would have stood up right then and there and went back to my lab , got out my butter and jam because I knew I was toast . Unfortunately , I had accepted a ride over to the north campus instead of driving myself . I had to listen to the details of how our jobs would be outsourced to other companies , including ones in China . Later in the day , we had another meeting just for our department to give details of what to do next . HR gave details about the severance packages . We had to " reapply " for jobs in the reorganized company . The company required us to fill out a particular form to reapply for a job and if one didn 't , then a severance package would not be offered . Too bad we had to do these electronically or else I would have filled my form out in crayon . That would have been passive aggressive , a " weapon of the weak " giving me great pleasure . HR said we had an option on the form to say " Give me the severance package . " Several people did that . I thought long and hard about doing that but decided against it . I thought to myself " Why make their jobs any easier ? " I was going to make them go through the uncomfortable process of telling me I wasn 't offered a position . When the day did come , I would act sad upon hearing the news but deep down , I didn 't give a shit . It was an undignified end to a not - so - happy chapter in my life . I also had to act with dignity because I needed references . Word gets out about people who acted like jack - asses during the notification procedure . I heard one guy basically cussed out a manager when he was let go . A couple of months later , a few positions opened up and that guy would have likely got it except for his outburst . The short - term gratification wore off eventually and he was left with a damaged reputation . Besides , I needed to be on the manager 's good side . I had a paper I wanted to publish and needed his sign - off for approval on this matter . He would approve ofWhat I did worry about now , on my 40th birthday was what to do . If I stayed in the industry , I would have to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from NC . Some guys did just that . Some guys ended up in Tennessee , Florida , Massachusetts , Washington ( both DC and the state ) and even Canada . The jobs in NC were not there . I even thought of asking Aventis for my old job back but my pride got in the way . I worried what I was going to do with Andy . He was an old guy by then but he was doing well . He couldn 't run anymore because of his arthritis but he could walk well . I didn 't know how he would handle a big move like that . I worried I would have to leave him behind in NC like I would Abby . It broke my heart . I thought about going to law school . I had been thinking of that for almost ten years . I didn 't love my job as GSK but the benefits and pay were just good enough making it hard to leave . This time would be a good opportunity for me to go . The window was closing fast and this would be my last chance . Of course , I 'd have to take the LSAT . I didn 't know how I 'd do on that . I even thought about being a patent agent . One of the senior scientists , a guy in his mid 50 's , took that route . I also thought about working in a different line of work such as teaching . That idea didn 't last long . I 'm not particularly fond of kids .
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I explained how my closest friend moved in the middle of fourth grade . We lost touch , and I 've not been able to track her back down . My next best friend from elementary school , KC , moved the summer after eighth grade . ( " I 've heard of this KC , " Middle said in the middle of the story . ) She and I still are in touch , and she got married the week after Hubby and I did , and she now lives in the Philippines . " No , you 're not ! I 'm your mother . I may not always get your name right , but I know how old you are ! " Maybe two minutes went by , and I felt a small hand on my shoulder . " Mama , are you okay ? You 've been laughing so long , I 'm two years older . I 'm 11 now ! " " Mama , " she said as she started to scoop the litter box , " you know something ? When I first came in , I was gonna try to convince you that I was 11 . How do you always know my mind ? " Said to the coal - black , mouthy , sneezy , crabby , completely graceless , and slightly - less - ancient - than - Mika , 15 - year - old Koa , who had no intention of leaving him alone when she wanted attention . Who cares if he has to go to work to keep her in the lifestyle to which she 's accustomed ? She had affection needs which she required to have met , and required that they be met right meow . If we acknowledge the realities of life , it 's a post that has been coming for 15 years . I don 't like to think of life as nothing but a rush towards death , especially as death has overshadowed so much of my life for the past 14 months . But we are born , and we die , and occasionally , we witness both ends of the spectrum for those we love . . . And , truly , I hadn 't been . We were full up at home . We had four adult cats , Popoki , Keiki , Mika , and the most recent , Niele . It was just the two of us ( and them ) . We didn 't need any more . " We 're not naming them . We 'll get too attached . We 'll call them by number for birth order . One , Two , Three . " Inoa was calm and unafraid of us and trusting , so we figured she had either been left behind when someone moved away ( there 's a special level of hell for those fiends ) , or she 'd gotten out after moving with her family and tried to come back " home . " And found trouble . Or , more likely , it found her . We didn 't know how many kittens to expect , but we didn 't figure a recent stray - she looked too well - cared - for to be anything but that , especially being a long - haired cat - could have gotten too pregnant . And we 'd never been feline midwives before . What did we know ? We just knew we 'd promised our nieces and nephews we 'd call when the kittens arrived . Lo and behold , we had a book , so we read up on the subject , and then we made a box and set it up in the second bedroom of our postage - stamp apartment . The book said a cat 's gestation period is about nine weeks , and they start to look pregnant at about six weeks . Hubby called his sister - in - law . " Hey , how long has she looked pregnant ? " I stopped in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room , and looked down . Huh . That 's odd . Inoa had her lower half , including her rather immense belly , wedged into the bottom of our two - " story " kitty condo . " Inoa , are you stuck ? " I crouched down next to her . She was visibly panting , much like Po did when we traveled . Po hated the car , and pretty much panted from start to end of any trip and double - timed her shedding . " Here , let me help you get out of there . That 's got to be uncomfortable . " I reached under her to gently try to ease her out - the opening began a good inch and a half off the floor , and that 'll give anyone a crick in the back , even a cat . Maybe especially a pregnant cat . I quickly apologized to Inoa , but she ignored me ( she was just a little busy ) , and I raced back to the other room . " Perfectly acceptable box , but noooo , she wants to have a belly full of babies in the kitty condo , which doesn 't have enough room for her . " I grabbed a pair of rubber gloves , the box we 'd set up , took it back to the living room , put the condo in it , then gently placed both mama and the new baby ( using gloved hands ) in the box . His supervisor happened to be a cat person . She offered to led him come home right away . He said he was sure Inoa was fine and I was fine ; he could stay at work . ( She let him stay until he had an hour left in his day , and then insisted he come home to the babies . ) When Hubby arrived home a couple hours later , I told him , " I know for sure there 's three . But I think we might have four . I think one arrived , and I just can 't tell , because it 's so dark in there . And she 's laboring again . " Hubby bent down and scratched behind Inoa 's ears , talking softly to her . He was able to get a better look inside the kitty condo , and sure enough , we had four kittens now . The fourth was a little all - black spitfire . Inoa seemed to be struggling with delivering the next kitten , so Hubby gently moved the four others out into a laundry basket with some clean dish towels and coached her through the birth . ( Yes , Hubby can list feline midwifery among his skills . ) This kitten was big , and another little brown tabby girl . No wonder Inoa was tired . When another hour and a half had passed and no more kittens had arrived , we assumed we were done having kittens . ( Don 't you like how we say that ? " We " ? ) Hubby put in the promised call to his brother 's house and asked to speak to the nieces and nephews . While he 's talking to them , I went over to the kitten box . Hubby had taken out the kitty condo , and put the top on the box ( we had sacrificed a colored - cardboard storage box for this little adventure , figuring it was tall enough the kittens wouldn 't get out until they were old enough ) . I lifted the lid to check on the babies and Inoa , and did a double - take . I counted again . " Honey , we 've got another one ! " The next eight weeks were a delight as the kittens became bouncy little troublemakers and did all the cute kitten things . Kittens 1 and 6 were named Amber and Zeta , and moved in with very dear friends of ours , Snarky Dad and his wife , who took our advice to get two kittens , so they 'd kill each other and leave their much - older cat , Niban , alone . Kitten # 2 , the lone boy in the lot , Max , went to live with my friend Airman , who was also expecting a baby in a few months . Pregnancy was rough on her , and she Minou was unthreatening , even to squirrels . was looking forward to having a baby to cuddle ahead of schedule . # 5 got the illustrious name Ceayte , and found a home with a dear college friend of ours , who moved in with us for awhile in a whole other story . And kittens 3 and 4 . . . well , I had always wanted a black kitty , and Hubby had said we could keep one of the kittens if it was black and a boy . Sneaky # 4 was in no way a boy , but certainly made it her life 's mission to stay with us . You 've met her . Her name is Koa . Kitten # 3 departed our home for a short while , to live with a co - worker of Hubby 's and his French wife . They gave her the name Minouchette , which translates as sweetiepie . When the wife 's allergies proved to be too much , the little long - haired black and white fluffy bundle came home . . . and never left again . We considered renaming her , giving her something Hawaiian to go with everyone else 's names . But we couldn 't . Minouchette was the perfect name . It suited her well . We kept it . We kept her . A soft meow claims my attention . If I don 't make room on the loveseat , Minou will . I moved aside some papers so she has a place to settle next to me . Settling is not what she wants . My attention is what she wants , and in these last few weeks she 's been very aggressive about getting it . She wants to be near me , she wants to be on me , she wants to " help " me work . In the last year and a half or so , since we had to say goodbye to Pa ' ani so suddenly , we 've watched as Minou has no longer hidden upstairs in the bedroom so much . It 's been nice . The Apparition , as Dad often called her , now regularly haunts the house , and perhaps , we mused , Pa ' ani 's happy - go - lucky , weaselly little self had had far more of an impact on the feline hierarchy of the house than we thought , because here Minou was . Not hiding . Still surprisingly nimble , Minou alights on the cushion next to me . Our eyes meet . I can only see her right clearly , the left pressed deeply back into the socket by chronic swelling of an old cyst site that has flared again , and done what the vet has warned us it would eventually do , turned into a cancer we cannot see . I reach up and stroke her now - dainty head . It 's funny to say that , but the weight loss is so extreme that it 's even affected the shape of her head . " I know , " I whisper . There have been times I 've sworn I 've seen her eyes wonder and toss questions at me : I see that you see , Mama . I know that you know . I 'm sick . I 'm dying . . . . Why am I still here ? Over the last two days , I have whispered my goodbyes at night , before going to bed . " It 's okay , sweetheart . You don 't have to stay . You can let go . If I wake up in the morning and you 've gone home , that 's okay . You don 't have to stay for us . It 's okay . " We 'd told the kids on Monday when Special Edition and Mr . Nurse made a special trip out to say their goodbyes . Special Edition had been astonished when she touched Minou at just how much weight had simply vanished . Youngest , in particular , didn 't want Minou to die ; Minou was her baby . She 'd developed a very strong attachment to her in the last year or so . But it was time . Oh , it was time . In fact , it was probably long past time . Minou was ready . I gently rub her still - soft ears . " I was there when you were born . I will be there when you leave this life here . " I whisper the promise gently , having already made the call . " I will not let you go alone . " It 's been a terribly rough morning . Hubby opened , so I was up very early to take him to work . The first thing I did when I came downstairs was to see how Minou was . The twins had early counseling appointments , and then I had to find something to make to take with me to the August potluck for my monthly writers group . Is it selfish of me to go , after what will happen this afternoon ? Is it bad that I 'm leaving Hubby to deal with the kids , and going to be with my friends , knowing I just need to get out of the house after all this ? I had enough time after errands and appointments to get home in time to make the cupcakes and pull them out to cool , and then I fetched the carrier from the upstairs hallway . I pulled out the filthy towel that was inside it ; apparently this carrier had sat out after the last vet visit ( probably Makaha 's ) with the gate open , and someone had hacked up a hairball . This would not do . I grabbed a clean one and rubbed it all over my arms and neck . Minou should at least smell me , and not some laundry detergent or fabric softener . Not on her last trip . I tried to rein in my temper . " Because of Minou , " I managed to say . I set the carrier on the island and bent to pick up Minou , who was at the water bowls , unable to stop my tears . She meowed as I cried into her fur . She 's so light ! I think she 's lost even more weight ! Everything within me rebelled at the though of putting her in that carrier . I did not want to do it , even though I knew this was the right thing . I knew this was what she wanted . I knew this was what she needed , to not suffer anymore , to not be so sick anymore , to not lose what decency of life and dignity she had left . Her eyes had been giving me permission to act for weeks . They spoke that this was what she wanted , release from the disease that had corrupted this body . Youngest wanted to hold her on the way down . That was impractical . I put the carrier on the front seat , removed the ring on my right hand so she wouldn 't cut up her face on it , and let her stroke herself against my fingers on the drive down . We picked up Hubby at work , and he drove us over to the vet while I held her in the carrier on my lap . In the conversation during the short drive between Hubby 's store and the vet 's , we talked about what was going to happen , how the kids could come back if they wanted , but didn 't have to , and could see as much as they wanted , but leave if they felt uncomfortable . As we pulled into the parking lot , Middle asked , " Are vets murderers ? " There was a devastating pause as Hubby and I just stared at each other . " Because I think they are . " " Minou doesn 't talk , so she can 't tell us what 's wrong . But we know she 's sick . She 's lost a lot of weight . Her body is starting to shut down . " This was definitely true . I was glad Hubby was the one answering her , though . He went on , " We see these things that are happening to her , how much weight she 's lost . She 's lost most of her teeth . And her fur doesn 't look as nice anymore , because she can 't take care of it . It hurts her to move to do that . She 's very old , and very sick . And as good pet owners , we know that sometimes we need to act when our pets reach this point . " You know , there really is nothing worse than sitting in the vet 's waiting room , with a bunch of you wearing teary - eyed , shell - shocked expressions , with a carrier . . . and a small cardboard box next to it . Everyone knows why you 're there , and everyone hates to be you . You 're like some sort of vile disease , as you sit there and wait to be called back , twenty - five minutes past your appointment time . The tech finally called us and we went back to the exam room . He pulled up Minou 's chart ; her weight two and a half years before was 15 . 25 pounds . I gently pulled her out of the carrier and we got her on the scale . Five pounds , 15 ounces . I answered the tech 's questions about why we were there , and he said the vet would be in to talk to us . Oldest did not want to be in the room with us , but nor did she want to be in the waiting room alone , so she settled for the furthest corner of the exam room by Daddy . Dr . M came in as I held Minou - who was not fighting being held , a pretty unusual thing for her - and did a brief exam as I explained again the sudden weight loss , the loss of bodily control , the signs of pain we 'd started to see quite suddenly , the eye pressure that she had to be experiencing with her left eye . Middle and Youngest crowded close , wanting the comfort of touching their beloved friend . I asked them to step back at the same time Dr . M very kindly did , too , as she moved on to palpating Minou 's belly and other things most cats offer up strenuous objections about . Dr . M was wonderful ; we have seen her before , and she explained everything she was going to do before she left to gather supplies . She looked between Hubby and me and confirmed that we were in agreement about euthanasia today . We both nodded . Dr . M left the room and came back with a soft fleece , a legal form for us to sign stating we had asked for this procedure , and the sleepy drug she had said she would use first , that would basically send Minou into a very drowsy , sleepy state , where she would feel no more pain . Dr . M laid the fleece on the table , and gently positioned Minou on it , so she wasn 't laying on cold , hard , stainless steel , and injected the first drug along Minou 's back . I don 't know that Minou even felt it , tiny pinch that it was . It was so effective , so fast , that I was terribly afraid we were actually going to lose Minou before the barbiturates were administered . That seems so silly to write . . . but I suppose I was afraid she was going to suffocate under the effects of the first drug and it would cause her pain , and that 's what we were trying to avoid , giving her more pain , more suffering . But Minou merely drowsed . Middle and Youngest joined me by the exam table as we told Minou how much we loved her , how much we would miss her , that she should go find Poppa when she got to heaven , and we cried . But we loved on her as much as we could in those last few moments . When Dr . M came in with the barbiturate , Oldest asked if she could go back out to the waiting room . We let her go . We knew she would process her grief in her own time . Youngest turned tear - filled eyes to Hubby . " Daddy , I don 't think I can watch . " He opened his arms and she ran into them , burying her face against his chest . Dr . M gently shaved off some of Minou 's surprisingly still - thick fur on her back leg , located a vein , and pushed the final dose . Middle stood by me , her hands on Minou 's shoulders the whole time . I felt the last gentle puff of air exhale with Minou 's final breath , and cried in relief that she was at peace . " I promised , " I whispered nearly inaudibly into her fur . Dr . M pulled her stethoscope from her neck , popped in the earpieces , and pressed the bell against Minou 's chest . " No heartbeat , " she gently confirmed . " Stay as long as you need to , okay ? " Hubby came over with Youngest and the four of us stood there and cried . When we were ready , Dr . M helped us carefully move Minou 's body into the small cardboard box we 'd brought with us . We would , we explained , take her home and bury her there with her brother and sisters . As we helped funnel dirt back over the body of our dear friend , whose life we have had the privilege of caring for , from before her birth until today , her last day , Oldest wandered over with some flowers . She 'd wanted to write on the flagstone we used as a marker , too . " I miss her , " she said . My faith tells me that God loves His creation - all of His creation . He believes all of it is good . And if God cares enough to know that two sparrows are sold for a farthing , if He cares enough to daily dress the lilies of the field , if He promises to redeem His entire creation as His word says , then I know Minou now races in His presence . And there was the low - level larcenous behavior , too , of breaking into our neighbor 's ( unlocked ) home , saying hello to Garden Lady 's kitties , and perusing her freezer to find a box of 100 - calorie ice cream sandwiches - and eating the five left in the box , leaving only the empty box behind . ( When Garden Lady 's mom told Hubby of the " break - in , " and the startling theft of only ice cream sandwiches , it became obvious the perpetrator was under 5 ' tall . ) Needless to say , Youngest will have to replace Garden Lady 's ice cream sandwiches with her own money . Mom has been out to visit on several occasions this summer . Never for very long , due to our cats and her allergies , but Mom has come out for a couple of days here and there . The morning after Middle 's surgery , Mom handed me a ball of soft material . " I found this in the bathroom trashcan upstairs . I have no idea what it is , but it wasn 't there last night when I was last up there . " I took the wad of cloth from her , recognizing it immediately ( I 'm so sorry , SunshineLady ) . Swimsuit material . To be more specific , the flowy fabric part from the tankini top of a bathing suit set my college friend SunshineLady had bought - three matching suits for my darling girls , several summers back . They still fit the twins , barely . The tops were these little bralettes with this fabric that flowed down and around that hooked together in the back , so that , with the bottoms , it made pretty much a full - coverage suit . I liked them . And I knew that , with this fabric cut off , the top was basically . . . a bra . One very , very similar to Oldest 's new purchases , in fact . And the one sibling who was most jealous of new girly things was . . . Youngest . " It 's swimsuit material . " I looked from the ball in my hands to Mom . " It 's from a tankini top . " She still looked confused . " It 's the bottom part of a tankini top . And I 'm pretty sure why it was done . " When Hubby got home that night , we both sat down with Youngest , who did confess that she was the one who cut off the material . " Why did you do that ? " Hubby asked her . " Yeah , we kinda thought so . " He smiled at her . " It 's okay to want big girl things . But Mom and I know when you 'll need them . And when you do , we 'll get them for you . So let 's not cut up any more swimsuits , okay ? " Youngest was also very brave on July 12 . As anyone near a Chick - fil - A knows , July 12 is Cow Appreciation Day , and it was the first that Hubby 's store was experiencing , since it 's only been open since late January . Show up in any kind of Holstein gear , and you get a free entree . Youngest was determined to get a picture with the Chick - fil - A Cow , who also made an appearance that day . And for still being sometimes a little shy around people - and cows - she doesn 't know , she did really well , and got a picture with the Cow before we left . It was the happiest riot I 've ever seen in any fast - food joint . I even saw a guy come in with a Cow Tails caramel cream pinned to the bottom back of his shirt . ( Genius . ) Even the crew got in on the fun , many of them decked out in cow - themed gear . Special Edition is a little surprised that " we are an Olympics family . I didn 't know that . " Well , we are not nearly as devoted as , say , Jen Hatmaker , whose nightly posts have been a source of absolute hilarity for me . ( I nearly herniated myself , laughing over her observations on Ryan Lochte 's hair color . Mostly because they mimicked mine . Intervene , Jesus . ) She 's had quite the summer . We had her checkup with her pediatric ophthalmologist in mid - June , regarding her exotropia . For those of you not in the know , this is an eye problem that looks kind of like it might be a lazy eye , but it 's not . Short version : her eye muscles don 't want to work well together , and they are not strong enough or tight enough to force her eyes to focus together like they 're supposed to . Her glasses have been compensating for this , but even so , when she 's tired , her left eye especially drifts way out of alignment . Both eyes are exotropic , but the left is the most obvious , particularly when she 's tired . Despite our efforts , the doctor checked her eyes and determined that Middle was now at the point that she needed surgical correction . The first available date was the week Middle was going to be at swim camp , and since Middle wouldn 't be able to put her head under water for two weeks following surgery , we definitely didn 't want to cut swim camp short , so surgery was scheduled for July 7 . Middle was both petrified and excited . She finally got to have surgery and get presents like her sisters had gotten for their surgeries ! I proceeded to quote her , verbatim , from a conversation we 'd had no more than two weeks before , " ' Mommy , I have to tell you something . Dodo birds aren 't my favorite animal anymore . They 're my second favorite . I just can 't stand it anymore . I need more ducks ! ' " Medium had , you see , decided about six or eight months ago that ducks were no longer her favorite animal . Dodo birds were , despite their distinct extinctness . While she never fully explained it , I suspected that some pesky third - grade stinker found out about her love for ducks , made fun of her , and so she found something much " cooler " to love , even if it meant shoving ducks to second place and not being able to get any Dodo bird figures for Christmas . She was , however , terrified to hurt Gramma 's feelings by telling her she no longer loved ducks . So , when she 'd made this pronouncement a couple weeks before , it came as no surprise to me , but the method of delivery was a scream . Hubby had dissolved into giggles then , too . A couple of days before the surgery , after a mother - daughter disagreement about chores ( she wanted to be done ; I said she needed to do two more things before she could be done with the den cleaning ) , I heard something suspicious : the sound of a full garbage bag thumping down the stairs . In retrospect , I should have recognized what was going on as her nerves about the approaching surgery . Oops . I only realized it when I saw the date on the picture I pulled to use here . Innyhoo . . . I discovered that Middle had bagged up all of her ducks because someday she was " going to have to pass them down to my children , so I 'm going to have to get used to not having them , so I might as well start now . " We had a conversation about how she 's only nine and a half , and she doesn 't have to worry about that for a very long time . I showed her a big box in the attic that holds a bunch of my stuffed friends , which I still have , despite my rather advanced number of years compared to hers . I asked if she wanted to see what was in there . She said no . But within fifteen minutes , she 'd changed her mind , and wanted to see what I had in there ( which , by the way , was a box much bigger than she thought , as it was a vacuum box , and still doesn 't contain the entirety of the Auntie J Stuffed Friends Alliance ) . So I helped her get into the attic and we brought the box down to the living room . And we squealed over my Friends . Surgery on July 7th was very successful , and the surgeon - her ophthalmologist - was very pleased with how well the procedure went . On its surface , it 's a simple surgery , putting a dissolvable suture into the controlling muscle to tighten it and thus force the eyes to align . Poor Middle woke up in recovery essentially blind , because her eyes were covered with a massive ice pack , and she couldn 't see us . She could only hear us , and the anesthesia does wonky things to the brain . Hearing her say , " Daddy , is that really you ? " was heartbreaking . She felt better once she could feel us touch her . The PACU staff were wonderful . Having never experienced anesthesia before , nor narcotics , we didn 't know how she was going to react to certain medications . We were so grateful that the anesthesiologist was willing to come back several times to check on our daughter , who didn 't seem to be responding to the pain medicine right away . He said that sometimes he sees kids not respond right away to the Middle with our PACU nurse medication he used , and then it kicks in with a bang - and that 's exactly what happened with Middle . It seemed to take forever to kick in , but when it did , it was very obvious it had . We were able to travel home with popsicles and some cool new sunglasses for Middle 's now very sensitive eyes , and between the prescribed pain medicine ( which we used at night ) and staggered over - the - counter stuff , we were able to keep her mostly comfortable as she recovered . The following week was my birthday . I did not celebrate last year , despite the decadal mark I hit , because it was so soon after losing Dad , and those kinds of birthdays were always such a big deal in his family . I wasn 't sure I really wanted to celebrate this year , but knew I needed to , even if just for my kids . Mom came out again ( she had been out the week before for Middle 's surgery ) , and we all drove out to a gorgeous lake about an hour and half away from us . Hubby had been to Ollie 's recently , and had found a Civil War book he wanted , so he 'd allowed the kids to spend $ 5 on themselves , and the twins had found a set of walkie - talkies they really wanted . Since we took two cars , we used their walkie - talkies to communicate , and it was an hour and a half of , " Do you read me ? " " I read you . But do you read me ? " After several hours of fun in the sun at the lake , including meeting up with my cousins who live within 40 minutes of the lake and were able to come out and join us at the spur of the moment , we headed for home , and stopped at a local Hoss 's Steakhouse for my birthday dinner . At one point , before our dinners arrived , I looked next to me to see Middle yanking her straw out of her drink in order to sluck down the soda remaining in the straw . Since I 'd just asked her not to do that a few minutes before , she looked impishly guilty when I caught her . " Or , " Middle mused , " a hoolibarian . A hooligan and a barbarian . " She smiled proudly at me . " I made that word up myself . A combination of hooligan and barbarian . " " I know . " I couldn 't contain the chuckle . Mom was still laughing . This girl . . . God , does Dad see this stuff from up there ? He 'd love this one . This morning , I was half awake while Middle was talking to me about her library book , about drawing reptiles and lizards , and the conversation had started out about why her book didn 't have any pictures of pterodactyls in it , just the pteranodon and quetzalcoatlus flying dinosaurs . I tried to pay attention , I really did , but I was exhausted and zoned out at some point along the way . I know she mentioned something about several of her classmates saying things ( all of them boys ) , but the next thing I clearly heard was , " And then the kitties will have crunchy poop . Yeah , really crunchy poop . " Innyhoo , the first follow - up checkup for Middle 's eye surgery showed that one of the muscles had been a tad over - tightened . Dr . S was a bit surprised ( " It 's been awhile since I 've done that ; guess I have to keep myself humble , " she observed ) . However , the extent of the exotropia in that eye was so severe that she suspected Middle was still relying on old muscle memory to help it keep crossing the way it was , so she wanted to give it a month and see how Middle was then . When we went back a week and a half ago , the eye was greatly improved , and Middle just needs new glasses to help finalize the proper muscle adjustment . Danny Cumberland learns he 's got a daughter in the same afternoon that he learns she 's also dead . What 's a dad to do but try to bring his daughter home ? And she is his daughter . . . right ? So I picked up the Fries from school today . We walked back across the street . Hubby drove past us on his way to PeeJay 's house ( on t . . . Let me be really clear up front ( since I am , after all , writing unmasked ) : I LOVE my kids . I LOVE being a stay - at - home mom . I really , . . .
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From 2007 - 2011 this blog was mainly about my animals with a bit of off - topic chatter . Then my husband shocked me by confessing to an affair . We 've divorced . Life is better than ever ! I had a bag of potatoes from our CSA in the sink , so Stella had to come over and investigate . The bag kept her busy for several minutes . Saturday morning , Stella and Thomas were bonding a bit , and I managed to take this picture . I think she was starved for physical affection when she came to us . Greys aren 't known for being physically needy , but I think that 's because they only want physical attention from those they love and trust . As opposed to many cockatoos , for example , who often welcome physical attention from anyone willing to share . Stella had been favoring me , but Thomas has been making great progress with her lately . In this picture , I caught her in mid - scratch . We 've been trying to give her drenching soaks at least once a day to help with her feather regrowth . Here the greys are playing with the rope figure - 8 toy on the stand . Max will often try to use this as a weapon . She stands on the upper level and swings the toy at any unsuspecting parrot standing on the mid - level . They have learned their lesson and rarely will anyone stand there . So Max has to get a bit creative . She was trying out different positions to swing the toy into Stella . For a few moments , they both had their beaks on different sides and were playing tug - of - war . We separated them shortly after this picture was taken . They 're still not very friendly towards each other ! This video is a bit longer at the end than I would have liked ( I don 't know how to do any kind of editing ) . Friday evening , Rocky kept running around the kitchen , opening up the cabinets and then looking at them . I was hoping to catch him opening up another cabinet , which is why I kept taping , but he decided not to . We had the tomato cobbler for dinner last night . It was not exactly a success . I 'm not sure if I did something wrong ( but I followed the recipe ! ) or if that 's how it 's supposed to taste ? In any case , we won 't be making it again , at least for a long time , because there are many other things we want to try . On the other hand , the lime bars were a big success . At first Thomas was a bit disappointed . When I asked him what kind of baked good he 'd like me to make next , he said " something with coconut . " Which these lime bars have . Apparently I was supposed to know he meant something with coconut AND chocolate . But he gave them a try and liked them . Rocky was begging for a taste , so Thomas obliged him : I left the room for a few minutes , with Thomas supervising the parrots , and returned to this : Rocky liked them so much he decided to help himself ! Needless to say , I removed the platter back to the fridge . The parrots haven 't figured out how to get in there - - yet ! This is the last weekend before the marathon , so I 'm in major taper mode . It 's kind of driving me crazy - - I seem to have excess energy since I 've taken my running down a notch to rest my legs for the race . We have a couple of other things planned for the weekend - - hiking , musical theater performance , grocery shopping , cleaning . . . I definitely need a few more hours in the day ! Hope everyone reading this also has a great weekend ! ! ! Thomas had Tuesday off , so we went out to lunch . While driving back to work , I saw this motorcyclist who looked like he was from the future . This picture does not do him justice . He was very shiny and sparkly - - almost like a cartoon character . He also drove very fast and was ( quite unsafely ) darting in and out of traffic . Tuesday evening , we were all in the kitchen , preparing dinner , when I suddenly heard the unmistakable sound of someone quickly eating an apple . When I had last seen Stella , she was hanging out in her favorite spot : Somehow , she managed to silently fly over to the island where we keep the fruit we don 't need to refrigerate . She helped herself to an apple . In this picture , I was trying to get capture her with the damage she 'd done to the apple , but she decided to help herself to some more . Therefore , everyone got some apple as an unexpected pre - dinner snack - - we couldn 't let it go to waste ! Too bad this is an heirloom variety that we can 't find in the stores , as it is a favorite in our house of the human and avian inhabitants . Rocky saw Thomas eating this apple , and quickly climbed up on the table , fake eating to show he wanted some , and attempting to help himself . Thomas eventually did give him a bite . I was cooking dinner , but that was being regularly interrupted because Stella kept flying to the floor and I needed to pick her up and put her on a perch . Finally , I found a perch where she 'd stay for a few minutes - - she wanted a human perch . And she 's not the only one who 'd prefer to be on a person ! Here 's Rocky , after dinner , getting some quality time with his favorite person . Last night was Thomas 's final shift overnight at the hospital for two months ! We are all very excited about that . The greys are able to share different levels of a stand for several minutes without fighting - - that 's progress . Usually one will get too close for the other 's comfort and they end up flying away - - Max heads for the fridge and Stella for the stove . What do they have with my kitchen appliances ? Since Thomas was gone , Posted by I forgot my camera at home , and it even had some pictures and movies on it ! I guess they will have to wait until tomorrow . . . Instead , these next stories will be told without accompanying pictures . When I was running on the treadmill and watching The Sound of Music a couple of Saturdays ago , the scene came on TV where Captain Von Trapp is introducing Fraulein Maria to the children . For those who may not be familiar with this wonderful movie , he demonstrates the whistle he uses to call each of his children . Calypso got very excited and tried to imitate all of the whistles - - I could hear him even though I was in the basement . Then , a few days later , Wheel of Fortune was on for background noise . It comes on after Jeopardy ! and I hadn 't turned the TV off . Stella was the only parrot in the living room - - the rest had come into the kitchen with me . She had to be in her cage as I was cooking and needed to keep her safe ( since she is fascinated by the stove ) . Suddenly , there were all sorts of beeps and tones coming from her , amplifying those coming from the show . My parrots generally don 't pay attention to the TV , so I thought it was interesting that we had two occurrences of this in a short period of time . I took this picture while on our Madrid , Spain trip last February . It 's a living wall at the Caixa Forum . It was really fascinating to see , and I hope to try to grow something similar someday . On a much smaller scale . My favorite farmer was not at the market today , so that was a bit of a disappointment . He did warn me last week he might not be there , so I was prepared . Another farmer did have baby bok choy , so the lizards will be happy about that . I also bought a little over 5 pounds of tomatoes as I have big plans in store for them . I hope to share a success story with you in the near future of my tomato cooking endeavors ! As has happened many times in the past month , Thomas came home from work and went downstairs to work out before dinner . He usually takes Rocky with him , as he 'll stay nicely on the stand . The rest of the parrots stay upstairs with me . They tend to like to explore the basement , which isn 't exactly parrot - proofed . And Thomas doesn 't want to frequently interrupt his work out in order to bring a parrot back to the stand . Max particularly likes the basement , so I 'll take her down several times to say hi to Thomas and Rocky . Yesterday , Thomas left the basement door open when he went downstairs . Max flew to a chair close to the basement door , and stared at the opening , probably hoping she could go down : I was cooking dinner , and when I looked a few minutes later , she had migrated to waiting at the top of the stairs : I am just happy that she isn 't brave enough to fly down on her own at this point ! Of course I granted her wish and we went down to say hi to Thomas . The caiques have gotten to the point where they share a large stand without any fighting , although they do an elaborate dance where they manage to stay about as far away from each other as they can . They still don 't seem to want to befriend each other . They have wildly different personalities - - I wonder if that has anything to do with it ? Beeps is in the foreground , and Calypso is in the background , on a higher level . After I took this picture , I looked to my left a bit and noticed that I could get a similar picture of the greys : That 's Stella on the perch in the foreground , and Max on the chair in the background , near the basement door . We had a lot of vegetables left over from our CSA . I really am trying to do more cooking , and so I tried something relatively adventurous for me . I am a list - making , rule - following person . I like to find a recipe and follow it quite closely . But I 've heard some of the fun of cooking is experimenting and making things on your own . And since I didn 't have all of the ingredients on hand for anything I wanted to make , that 's what I did laPosted by This was the week where we got to pick up our fruit CSA , so here 's a picture of the apples and pears we got . Delicious ! From our vegetable CSA , we got some green heirloom tomatoes . I was hesitant to try them because of the color ( I know that 's a strange reason ) , but they tasted very much like red tomatoes . I don 't think I 'd go out of my way to purchase them , but I 'm glad I gave it a shot ! We also got cucumbers , so Max was happy about that . Here is one of my latest favorites at the rescue . She was quite emaciated and near death when she was surrendered to the rescue where I volunteer . She 's not yet up for adoption since we have to get her healthy again , but she 's already made huge improvements . She has some balance and gripping issues that we hope will improve as her health returns . She sat on my lap as I assembled toys for the shelter birds last weekend , supervising my knot - tying . Despite her previous mistreatment , she has a wonderful personality . I 'm hoping we can find her a home where she will be cherished as she deserves . I didn 't take any pictures , but my parents adopted a 25 year old cockatiel over the weekend . I am so in love with him ! He also has a great personality . He loves whistling tunes ( including many that he makes up himself ) and wants to spend time with people , getting head pets . Cockatiels truly are fantastic little parrots and it make me sad how few realize their potential . According to a few Internet searches , the oldest confirmed cockatiel was around 35 , so hopefully they will have a decade with this little treasure . The apple winery was fantastic ! We bought a case of cider and some bottles of wine . I still can 't believe we 'd never been there before ! Also , my vet called at 9 : 40 on Friday night . I 'd been sleeping for almost an hour at that point , so I was worried that something was wrong with the phone rang ( my family and friends know we go to bed ridiculously early so never call after 7 : 30 or so ) . He said that the bloodwork on Calypso and Stella came back , and was perfect . In fact , he said he 'd nePosted by This is not parrot related in any way . Sunday morning , I had just returned home from a 12 - mile run . I called Thomas to let him know I was home , but he didn 't answer . A few minutes later , the phone rang . Expecting it was Thomas who saw me on the caller ID , I picked up . Phone Call # 1 : Me : HelloVoice on other end ( Jamaican - type accent ) : Hello , this is Miss Cleo . Me : I think you have the wrong number . Miss Cleo : Do you have a significant other ? Me : YesMiss Cleo : Does he have arthritis ( Note : Thomas does have arthritis ) Me : I think you have the wrong number . Goodbye ! The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , fearing it 's Miss Cleo . It 's Thomas , so I pick up and ask him if he has anything to do with this . He denies all involvement . The phone rings again . I pick up , thinking it 's Thomas . Phone Call # 2 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : Hello ! This is Miss Cleo ! Me : I think you have the wrong number ! Miss Cleo : Did your significant other play high school football ? Me : No ( even though he did ) Miss Cleo : Has your significant other ever been incarcerated ? Me : No ! ( That answer was true ) . Miss Cleo : I can see in your moon card . . . Me : Stop calling me ! ( Hang up ) . The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , and it 's a hang up . Then it rings again . I don 't pick up , but it 's Thomas , so I get it off of the answering machine . Once again , he swears no involvement . It rings again . I think it 's Thomas , so I pick up . Phone Call # 3 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : What is your name or nickname ? Me : None of your business ! Stop calling me ! ( Hang up ) The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , but it 's Thomas so I get it off of the answering machine , again . Then it rings again . Thinking it 's Thomas , I pick up . Phone Call # 4 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : Hi Mary ! Marie ! Mary ! Marie ! Me : Stop calling me ! ! ! ! ! ( Hang up ) Then , I went into the shower with the parrots . I don 't think I got any more calls since there weren 't any hang - ups on the machine . I don 't know quite what to make of these strange calls . I assume that after a while , I would have been asked to push a few buttons to talk to someone " psychic " for a pPosted by Max likes to hang out on our kitchen chairs . She actually likes to sit on the seat and chew on the bottom of the table , so we rarely have our chairs pushed in . She was playing on the seat of the chair a few days ago , when Stella flew over , perched on the top of the chair , and started threatening Max . You can kind of see Max leaning away from her . I moved Stella to a more appropriate perch after taking this picture . Inspired by some of the cooking blogs I 've been browsing lately , I 've decided to do more cooking and baking . I 'm also trying to turn cleaning into one of my hobbies , like knitting or reading . That has not yet happened . My absolute favorite cookbook is called How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman . Every single thing we 've made from here has been absolutely delicious , and the title is not deceiving - - just try to think of something vegetarian that 's not in here . Want to make your own ketchup ? Check ! Thirty different kinds of veggie burgers ? Check ! Plus , he writes in an easy style with lots of explanation for those of us who are not great cooks , yet without being condescending . I can not say enough good things about this book ! When Thomas was on call last time , I decided to make Double Chocolate Bars as a surprise for him when he got home . The recipe called them a mix between brownies , fudge , and cookies . They were , not surprisingly , delicious ( and I don 't really like chocolate ) . Since the parrots can 't eat chocolate , it 's driving them nuts when we eat some . Thanks to Max , I 'll always be able to quickly find the page on which this recipe resides : Thomas got a little angry with me on the phone yesterday , so I surprised him by having a two - course meal ready for him . Both recipes from this book , of course ! I made beet crisps as the starter and a roasted eggplant dish . I did take pictures , but they didn 't turn out well . Maybe next time ! The parrots loved the beet crisps , and all of them had bright purple droppings this morning . Hope everyone has a great weekend ! My taper is in full effect so I 'll be runPosted by Thomas often has to spend the night at the hospital . When he returns home after a 30 hour absence , sometimes Rocky acts as though it 's just a normal day . Other times , like last night , he is so happy to see him that he does all sorts of weird things . When he got home from work , he took off all of his clothes ( scrubs ) and threw them on the floor . Rocky loves when Thomas does this as he is drawn to smelly things ( I thought that was only dogs . . . ) In the background , you may be able to see some of my workout socks that Rocky threw out of my dirty workout clothes basket . He then brought them into his special hallway . In any case , Max decided to join in on the fun of working over Thomas 's clothes . Unfortunately , by the time I started to film , Rocky had basically stopped working over the clothes and had started wandering around with his beak dragging on the floor . But I still wanted to show this because their infrequent cooperation was foreshadowing events to come . . . But not yet ! When Thomas hasn 't slept in 30 or so hours , his personality changes . He 's crabby ( not surprisingly ) and also will often act a bit drunk . He likes to bang things together , which the parrots love . He was at the kitchen table , banging Rocky 's stick around , and Rocky came over and started attacking the stick . As with the last video , this ended up turning into him wandering around , dragging his beak on the ground . Both of the greys had nails that were a bit long , so Thomas decided to do them last night . He did Stella 's nails with little problem , but as he had Max in his lap , Beeps and Rocky came to her defense ! Rocky started throwing himself at Thomas 's feet , attacking them ( and not a fake attack ) . Beeps dive bombed him , twice ! ( This is the first - - and I 'm hoping last - - time we 've seen a dive bomb from Beeps ) . Thomas and Max had to move into the bathroom , with the door closed , so they could finish in peace . And even then , Rocky followed them . He was throwing himself at the bathroom door . I tried to get this on video , but Rocky is really drawn to the stick . I had it so that I could stop him from attacking me , should he have decided to try to do that . Instead , he decided to step up . But I think you can still get an idea of what he was doing in this video ! I didn 't want him to hurt himself , so I then picked him up and held him near the door so he could hear Thomas reassuring Max ( and Rocky ) that everything was OK . I think you can get an idea of how he continued to freak out in this video . He was so happy once Max came out of the bathroom , perfectly fine and perched on Thomas 's hand . About 10 minutes later , Thomas noticed that Rocky was attacking the Dremel that he 'd left on the kitchen table . Smart parrot - - he knows what that 's for ! Those are my running shorts on the table - - I lay them out the night before morning runs so that I can get an extra minute of sleep ! As with the other videos , he started running around , dragging his beak on the ground . But you can still see one Dremel attack ! There were many more before this . After , I put it away . One of the main issues I 've run into in my multi - parrot household is jealousy . Our parrots love attention ! With 2 of us and 6 of them , there are bound to be times when someone is feeling left out . Usually , this jealousy is expressed verbally . That 's what 's happening in this video . Prior to filming , Calypso kept making kissing sounds . Since he is underrepresented on this blog , I wanted to try to capture that . He and Beeps are sharing ( different levels of ) a stand , Max is on the adjoining stand . Rocky is playing on the kitchen table , uninvolved in the scene . Stella is in the living room in her cage ( for her safety ) because the stove is on and she has an unhealthy fascination with it . Daphne is in the living room ( also for her safety ) as I was cooking and couldn 't risk anything happening to her because I couldn 't supervise adequately . She is also uninvolved in the scene . It may be hard to distinguish what 's going on . I 'm asking Calypso for kisses , then Max says " gimme a kiss ! " ( really quickly ) . Beeps and Stella also give kisses after I ask another parrot for one . In this case , " kisses " just means making the noise and not any sort of beak action . Off - camera , Max was also trying really hard for me to pick her up . One of the issues I 've run into while volunteering at the rescue is people quickly acquiring too many parrots . Oftentimes , they start with one , then two , then six ( that 's where we are ! ) , then ten , then twenty . It 's amazing how these things can snowball out of control . After all , there 's always room for one more , right ? Ultimately , it 's the birds that suffer when people get in over their heads . Because there is the same amount of space for more birds , more fights happen - - beaks and toes go missing . One - on - one time with each parrot diminishes , then oftentimes disappears altogether . Cleanliness suffers ; quality food and vet care may no longer be affordable . In my opinion , there is no magic number when suddenly things are out of control . Many households can 't adequately care for one bird . Others do fine with many more , especially with smaller birds in an aviary environment that have each other for company and don 't want human companionship . Or when birds have formed a bond with each other as well as their humans . ( Us ? We 're not so lucky . I think my parrots think they 're people . ) This has been on my mind a lot lately because of one couple in particular that I know through the rescue . In the past three years , they have acquired 8 amazons , a macaw , a conure , and a grey . At least three of their birds who used to be handleable no longer are because they don 't get enough attention . They just surrendered an amazon back to the rescue because of aggression issues stemming from packing too many parrots into too small of a space . And now they want to add another macaw . I 've tried talking to them , but it does no good because they don 't think there 's a problem . So , to get it off of my chest , I just whine about it here . . . thanks for listening : ) Thomas was on call again last night , so the parrots and I were home by ourselves . As he often does , Rocky positioned himself by our sliding door , where the glass happens to be at parrot - level , in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Thomas mowing the lawn . Alas , it was not meant to be . . . He climbed up on the plant and was acting in a way such that I knew he wanted attention ( from me ? Verbal only , of course ! ) I 'm posting this because of how adorable ( yet sad ) he sounds towards the end when he 's responding to my " hello . " I was driving home last night , with Thomas in the passenger 's seat . A few blocks from our house we are lucky to have a little river ( it 's more of a creek , but is officially a river ) , with a fair amount of trees . As I was driving yesterday , Thomas said , " don 't hit the deer ! " Luckily this street is not a busy one , as I stopped and made him take a few pictures out of the window . I know these are nothing like the pictures ( and story ! ) Shannon can provide , but it thrilled me ! When we got home , Thomas changed his clothes and attempted to put a sweatshirt on . Rocky may have a rough winter ahead of him if he doesn 't quickly get used to Thomas wearing more clothes again ! Rocky was extremely agitated and quite aggressive against Thomas when he tried four different sweatshirts . Finally , he found one jacket - like object that was warm enough for Thomas while not drawing Rocky 's ire . Later that evening , Thomas was sitting at the table , reading the paper . He asked me if I 'd give him a little shoulder massage , and I told him I would if he 'd hold Daphne . I had been holding her and didn 't want to put her back in her cage . I couldn 't leave her on a stand since it 's too risky that another parrot might attack her . Of course he said yes - - who could resist such a budgie ? She climbed up his arm and started perching here on his sleeve . She happily sat there , occasionally chirping , for several minutes until I took her back . When I have to transport one of the parrots somewhere and I don 't want them to fly off , I 'll often flip them upside down and walk with them . We 've made this into a game , so everyone enjoys this . We call it " going on a trip . " So , I 'll say , " Want to go on a trip ? " and then flip them upside down . Max will sometimes flip herself over and hang off of my hand . I haven 't been writing much about Beeps since he has been extremely camera aggressive for a month or so . If I walk by his cage with the camera , there 's about a 20 % chance that he will fly at me and try to attack . I 'm careful to hide the camera behind my back , out of his sigPosted by A few weeks ago , I said I would try to get photos of my greys ' tails to help illustrate the physical differences between congos and timnehs . Here 's Max ( timneh ) : Here 's Stella ( congo ) : In addition to the color of their beaks , one of the most striking differences is their tails . These tail feather molted naturally ( I 'm saving them to send to this project ) . I 've noticed some personality differences between my girls , but those are not necessarily due to the fact that they are a congo and timneh - - my caiques also have many personality differences ! But there are also many similarities between my greys . Probably the best personality similarity is that they are both very loving ! When I came home over the weekend , I noticed we had a little visitor on our front stoop . He stayed there for me to take a few pictures . Unfortunately , this picture came out a bit blurry ( zoom ! ! ! ) - - doesn 't this little guy look kind of evil ? All while looking utterly adorable . . . I turned my back on him in an effort to reposition myself for better pictures , but he then disappeared . It was a slow weekend for pictures . By the time I 'd grab the camera , they 'd stopped doing what I had intended to photograph ! I 'll try to get my act together this week ! The other day , I was listening to pandora ( of course ! ) , on a radio station I created based on Mason Jennings . Since I listen while I 'm working , the music is mostly background noise , although I do occasionally stop working to listen to a song . I thought I heard the word " parrots " in a song , so I stopped to see what the song was , and it 's called " Parrots " by Alexis Harte . The lyrics ( found here ) made me think of the issue that Beloved Parrot linked to the other day . The song just came on again , which is why I 'm posting it now . I woke up , hoping that the weather forecasts would be wrong , but was met with pounding rain . There is no way I was running 16 miles in that ! So , after getting the parrots and lizards ready for the day ( fresh food and water ) and lingering a bit too long over my own breakfast and the paper , delaying the inevitable , I headed downstairs for some treadmill running . Not fun at all ! I ran to The Sound of Music for the first 12 . 5 miles , and then Thomas came home , got on the elliptical , and changed the channel to Saturday morning cartoons . Since he hadn 't slept for approximately 30 hours at that point , I let him have his way . That is , by far , the longest I have ever run on the treadmill , and I hope that I never have to do that again . I feel like I shouldn 't complain about the weather , given what 's happening down south . One of my friends , who runs a small parrot and reptile rescue , was in the evacuation zone . The fact that there was too much rain for me to run seems like such a petty concern in comparison . So far , it sounds like she ( and all of the animals ) are doing well , but she hasn 't been back home yet to survey the damage . My thoughts are definitely with her at this point . A friend sent me this link the other day and I found it very interesting . Even though I don 't own a dog , much less a pit bull , I just hate how they are maligned in the media and by many people . The site I linked to has pictures of many different dogs - - see if you can find the pit bull . It took me about 9 tries ! On the subject of pits , one of my favorite animal rescue organizations , Best Friends , has done amazing things with some of the dogs rescued from Michael Vick . My friend and I are in the beginning stages of planning a trip out there sometime in the next 6 months . We can 't wait ! You can stay in cabins on their property and volunteer while you 're out there . I 'm really looking forward to spending time with the parrots and with the dogs . This may only exacerbate my desire for a dog ! Another week has passed - - wow ! I didn 't take a single picture last night or this morning . I guess I should have saved some of yesterday 's posts for today . Instead , I will post some random , mostly parrot - related , thoughts that are running through my head . I was running a bit late and since I was going to be alone at the office today , I decided not to dry my hair . I thought about not showering , but decided that since I did have to go out in public , a shower was definitely necessary ! The greys both love it when I have wet hair . I don 't think either one has even preened my hair when it 's dry , but when it 's wet , they can 't get enough . Last night in our clicker training session , Calypso perfected taking a bow . It will be interesting to see how he does in tonight 's session ! The greys have many similar personality traits , but they are also very different . Max is much more independent and Stella is much needier . They are both quite jealous of the other birds , especially each other . I am supposed to run 16 miles tomorrow . Right now , the weather forecast indicates thunderstorms all day . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do . I don 't think I could handle 16 miles on my treadmill , even with " What About Bob ? " playing . I also don 't want to be struck by lightening . I am so happy that I found pandora . My workday happiness has measurably increased by having this music playing all day . Also , I have been exposed to some new artists , leading to quite a few CD purchases . Stella and Calypso have their annual vet visits next week . I am not looking forward to this . Thomas can 't make it , unfortunately , which just adds to my stress since he 's the one that really understands medical issues and can ask important questions . Luckily I don 't suspect anything is wrong with them , so this shouldn 't be a major issue . I don 't want to wish my life away , but I can 't wait until Thomas no longer has to spend the night at the hospital ( 21 1 / 2 months ) . I married him because I want to spend time with him ! I sometimes wonder if medical school was worth it . . . I 'm going Posted by Last night , Max was throwing a fit about something . I don 't remember what her fit was about - - most likely she was upset that parrots other than her were receiving attention . She flew over to the table and started destroying the newspaper . That 'll show me ! But then she got some melon and all was well with the world again . . . ( Sorry I happened to catch her eye in mid - blink - - it looks kind of gross ! ) She does have tantrums occasionally , but luckily they are short - lived and then she 's back to her normal personality ! Also - - that is a giant piece of melon and much bigger than we would have given her . She grabbed it out of the bowl when Thomas 's back was turned . We got it away from her after she had an appropriate amount . How could she even lift a piece that big ? It 's almost the size of her head ! Rocky is in nesting mode . He 's found a new place to nest - - the middle level of the cart where we store the parrots ' food . We keep a blanket there in case we want to cover up while on the couch ( have not had to use this for months , obviously ! ) He even brought some wood pieces up to chip . Once again , I feel the need to put a bit of a disclaimer about Rocky 's nesting . While I wouldn 't say we encourage him to nest , we definitely don 't discourage him , either . That 's a decision we 've made , knowing him . We discourage our female parrots from nesting ( we don 't want to deal with egg - binding issues ) , and would discourage any of our males if adverse behaviors happened as a result of the nesting . Rocky enjoys this diversion , it keeps him busy , and it has no impact on his behavior , so we allow it . He 's just being a bird ! I had to move this plant to another location in our house because I didn 't want it to suffer death - by - caique , but I thought this picture was kind of cute . It almost looks as though we 're growing a caique - - how many days until the harvest ? Stella , she who loves our sink and the stove , has started also perching on our dish drying rack . I can 't imagine why - - the wire can 't be a comfortable perch . By her left foot , you 'll see whePosted by Rocky was an attention hog last night . He could not get enough of us ! Repeating " hello ! " is one of his ways of begging . In this video , he climbed from his cage to Stella 's and then kept saying " hello ! " to me while wandering around her cage . I answer him back - - but you should be able to tell what is me and what is the parrot . He may also have been begging a bit because his routine of late had been to go inside Stella 's cage and eat her seed while she was in the kitchen . I closed her door last night so this wouldn 't happen - - he has his own seed ! Our kitchen is set up such that our counter juts out , bisecting the room into the " cooking " side and the " eating " side . In our house , that means the " cooking " side and the " parrot " side . Of course , since the parrots have pretty much taken over everything on the ground floor of our house , that translates into the " cooking " side and the " parrot stand " side , with parrots moving freely between both sides . Thomas and I were on the " cooking " side , tag - teaming both the preparation of dinner and the keeping of Stella off of the floor . To be more specific , Thomas was doing most of the cooking and I was doing most of the Stella pick - up . Let me also make clear that we were preparing a salad with no stove action . Had the stove been on , Stella would have been in her cage for her safety . As I picked Stella up ( again ! ) I noticed that the basement door started to open . What ? There are no other people in this house . The parrots can 't reach the doorknob . Do we have a ghost ? Upon further investigation , Rocky had somehow managed to open the basement door ! We 're hoping that someone just hadn 't latched it completely . If he 's now able to open up properly closed doors , I may have to give up and let him completely take over our house : ( He will have won the battle of wills . He then stood at the top of the stairs , calling our names , even though he knew very well that we were in the kitchen . One of my favorite comic movies is " What About Bob ? " I watch it several times a year , usually when I have to do a long treadmill workout and want something that will help me pass the time - - although I do have to worry about laughing too hard and falling off . But that 's another post . I am not the type of person the quotes movie lines , but the exception is probably this film . One of my favorite parts of the movie is near the beginning when Bob ( Bill Murray ) is in his first session with his new psychiatrist , Dr . Marvin ( Richard Dreyfuss ) , and explaining why he was divorced . Bob 's explanation : " There are two types of people in this world : Those who like Neil Diamond , and those who don 't . My ex - wife loves him . " After listening to Bob 's explanation , Dr . Leo Marvin responds by saying , " I see . So , what you 're saying is that even though you are an almost - paralyzed , multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic , your wife did not leave you , you left her because she . . . liked Neil Diamond ? " ( I had to get the exact quotes here ) . It 's probably not exactly clear why I 'm bringing this up . First , let me reassure you that there is nothing going on with Thomas 's and my relationship , so don 't worry about that ! But recently I said to Thomas , " There are two types of people in this house : grey people and macaw people . I am a grey person . " ( His response ? A sarcastic , " oh , really ? " ) Being able to interact with hundreds of parrots and scores of people over the past years I 've been volunteering at the bird rescue has been quite interesting . While every bird is an individual , I 've been able to notice personality trends within the species , and also to observe the way in which certain volunteers and customers interact with the birds . In my experience , the types of parrots that seem to be most polarizing are cockatoos , macaws , and greys . I 've rarely ( read : never ) heard someone say " Gosh , I really hate budgies ! " but I 've had so many people tell me that they hate cockatoos , macaws , and greys . Why is that ? My thought is that it might rPosted by I wrote a few weeks back about making parrot toys . In addition to making toys for my own parrots , I make toys for the birds at the shelter where I volunteer . If anyone reading this wants to help out at a parrot shelter but either lives too far away to be able to go there frequently or just doesn 't have the time , this is another option - - making toys in your spare time ( while watching TV , for example ) and bringing them up when you 're in the neighborhood . Just ask your local parrot rescue - - I 'm sure they 'd love the help ! At the rescue where I volunteer , we take in several hundred birds ever year , and usually have at least 15 - 20 cockatoos and 5 - 10 macaws at any one time , in addition to many smaller birds . As you can imagine , they go through a lot of wood ! The other shelter volunteers save toy parts left over when the bird has destroyed the toy , such as wire and chain . I 'll take a box or two of parts home and remake them into new toys for the birds . In this way , we save money as well as landfill space by recycling parts into new toys . This is what I brought home last Saturday : And this is what I dropped off at the rescue this morning : By making toys , you also know that your donation is going directly to help the birds , and you 're making their lives more enjoyable ! On the same toy note , I was at the hardware store over the weekend and noticed a plastic 5 - drawer storage container . I have used 3 - drawer containers as foraging toys for the parrots , but this one was taller and about perfect Rocky size ! I filled the drawers up with different things . Around Easter time , the stores near us are filled with paper Easter grass . I always buy a cart - full and use it throughout the year . I could probably make this cheaply at home using a paper shredder . In addition to the paper sheds , I put in various toy parts ( including wood pieces to chip ) , and a few Harrison 's power treats ( Rocky 's favorite ) . I placed it in his cage , like this . When I returned home from work , several of the drawers were open and he had gone through them . I think the Posted by
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From 2007 - 2011 this blog was mainly about my animals with a bit of off - topic chatter . Then my husband shocked me by confessing to an affair . We 've divorced . Life is better than ever ! I had a bag of potatoes from our CSA in the sink , so Stella had to come over and investigate . The bag kept her busy for several minutes . Saturday morning , Stella and Thomas were bonding a bit , and I managed to take this picture . I think she was starved for physical affection when she came to us . Greys aren 't known for being physically needy , but I think that 's because they only want physical attention from those they love and trust . As opposed to many cockatoos , for example , who often welcome physical attention from anyone willing to share . Stella had been favoring me , but Thomas has been making great progress with her lately . In this picture , I caught her in mid - scratch . We 've been trying to give her drenching soaks at least once a day to help with her feather regrowth . Here the greys are playing with the rope figure - 8 toy on the stand . Max will often try to use this as a weapon . She stands on the upper level and swings the toy at any unsuspecting parrot standing on the mid - level . They have learned their lesson and rarely will anyone stand there . So Max has to get a bit creative . She was trying out different positions to swing the toy into Stella . For a few moments , they both had their beaks on different sides and were playing tug - of - war . We separated them shortly after this picture was taken . They 're still not very friendly towards each other ! This video is a bit longer at the end than I would have liked ( I don 't know how to do any kind of editing ) . Friday evening , Rocky kept running around the kitchen , opening up the cabinets and then looking at them . I was hoping to catch him opening up another cabinet , which is why I kept taping , but he decided not to . We had the tomato cobbler for dinner last night . It was not exactly a success . I 'm not sure if I did something wrong ( but I followed the recipe ! ) or if that 's how it 's supposed to taste ? In any case , we won 't be making it again , at least for a long time , because there are many other things we want to try . On the other hand , the lime bars were a big success . At first Thomas was a bit disappointed . When I asked him what kind of baked good he 'd like me to make next , he said " something with coconut . " Which these lime bars have . Apparently I was supposed to know he meant something with coconut AND chocolate . But he gave them a try and liked them . Rocky was begging for a taste , so Thomas obliged him : I left the room for a few minutes , with Thomas supervising the parrots , and returned to this : Rocky liked them so much he decided to help himself ! Needless to say , I removed the platter back to the fridge . The parrots haven 't figured out how to get in there - - yet ! This is the last weekend before the marathon , so I 'm in major taper mode . It 's kind of driving me crazy - - I seem to have excess energy since I 've taken my running down a notch to rest my legs for the race . We have a couple of other things planned for the weekend - - hiking , musical theater performance , grocery shopping , cleaning . . . I definitely need a few more hours in the day ! Hope everyone reading this also has a great weekend ! ! ! Thomas had Tuesday off , so we went out to lunch . While driving back to work , I saw this motorcyclist who looked like he was from the future . This picture does not do him justice . He was very shiny and sparkly - - almost like a cartoon character . He also drove very fast and was ( quite unsafely ) darting in and out of traffic . Tuesday evening , we were all in the kitchen , preparing dinner , when I suddenly heard the unmistakable sound of someone quickly eating an apple . When I had last seen Stella , she was hanging out in her favorite spot : Somehow , she managed to silently fly over to the island where we keep the fruit we don 't need to refrigerate . She helped herself to an apple . In this picture , I was trying to get capture her with the damage she 'd done to the apple , but she decided to help herself to some more . Therefore , everyone got some apple as an unexpected pre - dinner snack - - we couldn 't let it go to waste ! Too bad this is an heirloom variety that we can 't find in the stores , as it is a favorite in our house of the human and avian inhabitants . Rocky saw Thomas eating this apple , and quickly climbed up on the table , fake eating to show he wanted some , and attempting to help himself . Thomas eventually did give him a bite . I was cooking dinner , but that was being regularly interrupted because Stella kept flying to the floor and I needed to pick her up and put her on a perch . Finally , I found a perch where she 'd stay for a few minutes - - she wanted a human perch . And she 's not the only one who 'd prefer to be on a person ! Here 's Rocky , after dinner , getting some quality time with his favorite person . Last night was Thomas 's final shift overnight at the hospital for two months ! We are all very excited about that . The greys are able to share different levels of a stand for several minutes without fighting - - that 's progress . Usually one will get too close for the other 's comfort and they end up flying away - - Max heads for the fridge and Stella for the stove . What do they have with my kitchen appliances ? Since Thomas was gone , Posted by I forgot my camera at home , and it even had some pictures and movies on it ! I guess they will have to wait until tomorrow . . . Instead , these next stories will be told without accompanying pictures . When I was running on the treadmill and watching The Sound of Music a couple of Saturdays ago , the scene came on TV where Captain Von Trapp is introducing Fraulein Maria to the children . For those who may not be familiar with this wonderful movie , he demonstrates the whistle he uses to call each of his children . Calypso got very excited and tried to imitate all of the whistles - - I could hear him even though I was in the basement . Then , a few days later , Wheel of Fortune was on for background noise . It comes on after Jeopardy ! and I hadn 't turned the TV off . Stella was the only parrot in the living room - - the rest had come into the kitchen with me . She had to be in her cage as I was cooking and needed to keep her safe ( since she is fascinated by the stove ) . Suddenly , there were all sorts of beeps and tones coming from her , amplifying those coming from the show . My parrots generally don 't pay attention to the TV , so I thought it was interesting that we had two occurrences of this in a short period of time . I took this picture while on our Madrid , Spain trip last February . It 's a living wall at the Caixa Forum . It was really fascinating to see , and I hope to try to grow something similar someday . On a much smaller scale . My favorite farmer was not at the market today , so that was a bit of a disappointment . He did warn me last week he might not be there , so I was prepared . Another farmer did have baby bok choy , so the lizards will be happy about that . I also bought a little over 5 pounds of tomatoes as I have big plans in store for them . I hope to share a success story with you in the near future of my tomato cooking endeavors ! As has happened many times in the past month , Thomas came home from work and went downstairs to work out before dinner . He usually takes Rocky with him , as he 'll stay nicely on the stand . The rest of the parrots stay upstairs with me . They tend to like to explore the basement , which isn 't exactly parrot - proofed . And Thomas doesn 't want to frequently interrupt his work out in order to bring a parrot back to the stand . Max particularly likes the basement , so I 'll take her down several times to say hi to Thomas and Rocky . Yesterday , Thomas left the basement door open when he went downstairs . Max flew to a chair close to the basement door , and stared at the opening , probably hoping she could go down : I was cooking dinner , and when I looked a few minutes later , she had migrated to waiting at the top of the stairs : I am just happy that she isn 't brave enough to fly down on her own at this point ! Of course I granted her wish and we went down to say hi to Thomas . The caiques have gotten to the point where they share a large stand without any fighting , although they do an elaborate dance where they manage to stay about as far away from each other as they can . They still don 't seem to want to befriend each other . They have wildly different personalities - - I wonder if that has anything to do with it ? Beeps is in the foreground , and Calypso is in the background , on a higher level . After I took this picture , I looked to my left a bit and noticed that I could get a similar picture of the greys : That 's Stella on the perch in the foreground , and Max on the chair in the background , near the basement door . We had a lot of vegetables left over from our CSA . I really am trying to do more cooking , and so I tried something relatively adventurous for me . I am a list - making , rule - following person . I like to find a recipe and follow it quite closely . But I 've heard some of the fun of cooking is experimenting and making things on your own . And since I didn 't have all of the ingredients on hand for anything I wanted to make , that 's what I did laPosted by This was the week where we got to pick up our fruit CSA , so here 's a picture of the apples and pears we got . Delicious ! From our vegetable CSA , we got some green heirloom tomatoes . I was hesitant to try them because of the color ( I know that 's a strange reason ) , but they tasted very much like red tomatoes . I don 't think I 'd go out of my way to purchase them , but I 'm glad I gave it a shot ! We also got cucumbers , so Max was happy about that . Here is one of my latest favorites at the rescue . She was quite emaciated and near death when she was surrendered to the rescue where I volunteer . She 's not yet up for adoption since we have to get her healthy again , but she 's already made huge improvements . She has some balance and gripping issues that we hope will improve as her health returns . She sat on my lap as I assembled toys for the shelter birds last weekend , supervising my knot - tying . Despite her previous mistreatment , she has a wonderful personality . I 'm hoping we can find her a home where she will be cherished as she deserves . I didn 't take any pictures , but my parents adopted a 25 year old cockatiel over the weekend . I am so in love with him ! He also has a great personality . He loves whistling tunes ( including many that he makes up himself ) and wants to spend time with people , getting head pets . Cockatiels truly are fantastic little parrots and it make me sad how few realize their potential . According to a few Internet searches , the oldest confirmed cockatiel was around 35 , so hopefully they will have a decade with this little treasure . The apple winery was fantastic ! We bought a case of cider and some bottles of wine . I still can 't believe we 'd never been there before ! Also , my vet called at 9 : 40 on Friday night . I 'd been sleeping for almost an hour at that point , so I was worried that something was wrong with the phone rang ( my family and friends know we go to bed ridiculously early so never call after 7 : 30 or so ) . He said that the bloodwork on Calypso and Stella came back , and was perfect . In fact , he said he 'd nePosted by This is not parrot related in any way . Sunday morning , I had just returned home from a 12 - mile run . I called Thomas to let him know I was home , but he didn 't answer . A few minutes later , the phone rang . Expecting it was Thomas who saw me on the caller ID , I picked up . Phone Call # 1 : Me : HelloVoice on other end ( Jamaican - type accent ) : Hello , this is Miss Cleo . Me : I think you have the wrong number . Miss Cleo : Do you have a significant other ? Me : YesMiss Cleo : Does he have arthritis ( Note : Thomas does have arthritis ) Me : I think you have the wrong number . Goodbye ! The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , fearing it 's Miss Cleo . It 's Thomas , so I pick up and ask him if he has anything to do with this . He denies all involvement . The phone rings again . I pick up , thinking it 's Thomas . Phone Call # 2 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : Hello ! This is Miss Cleo ! Me : I think you have the wrong number ! Miss Cleo : Did your significant other play high school football ? Me : No ( even though he did ) Miss Cleo : Has your significant other ever been incarcerated ? Me : No ! ( That answer was true ) . Miss Cleo : I can see in your moon card . . . Me : Stop calling me ! ( Hang up ) . The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , and it 's a hang up . Then it rings again . I don 't pick up , but it 's Thomas , so I get it off of the answering machine . Once again , he swears no involvement . It rings again . I think it 's Thomas , so I pick up . Phone Call # 3 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : What is your name or nickname ? Me : None of your business ! Stop calling me ! ( Hang up ) The phone rings again . I don 't pick up , but it 's Thomas so I get it off of the answering machine , again . Then it rings again . Thinking it 's Thomas , I pick up . Phone Call # 4 : Me : Hello ? Miss Cleo : Hi Mary ! Marie ! Mary ! Marie ! Me : Stop calling me ! ! ! ! ! ( Hang up ) Then , I went into the shower with the parrots . I don 't think I got any more calls since there weren 't any hang - ups on the machine . I don 't know quite what to make of these strange calls . I assume that after a while , I would have been asked to push a few buttons to talk to someone " psychic " for a pPosted by Max likes to hang out on our kitchen chairs . She actually likes to sit on the seat and chew on the bottom of the table , so we rarely have our chairs pushed in . She was playing on the seat of the chair a few days ago , when Stella flew over , perched on the top of the chair , and started threatening Max . You can kind of see Max leaning away from her . I moved Stella to a more appropriate perch after taking this picture . Inspired by some of the cooking blogs I 've been browsing lately , I 've decided to do more cooking and baking . I 'm also trying to turn cleaning into one of my hobbies , like knitting or reading . That has not yet happened . My absolute favorite cookbook is called How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman . Every single thing we 've made from here has been absolutely delicious , and the title is not deceiving - - just try to think of something vegetarian that 's not in here . Want to make your own ketchup ? Check ! Thirty different kinds of veggie burgers ? Check ! Plus , he writes in an easy style with lots of explanation for those of us who are not great cooks , yet without being condescending . I can not say enough good things about this book ! When Thomas was on call last time , I decided to make Double Chocolate Bars as a surprise for him when he got home . The recipe called them a mix between brownies , fudge , and cookies . They were , not surprisingly , delicious ( and I don 't really like chocolate ) . Since the parrots can 't eat chocolate , it 's driving them nuts when we eat some . Thanks to Max , I 'll always be able to quickly find the page on which this recipe resides : Thomas got a little angry with me on the phone yesterday , so I surprised him by having a two - course meal ready for him . Both recipes from this book , of course ! I made beet crisps as the starter and a roasted eggplant dish . I did take pictures , but they didn 't turn out well . Maybe next time ! The parrots loved the beet crisps , and all of them had bright purple droppings this morning . Hope everyone has a great weekend ! My taper is in full effect so I 'll be runPosted by Thomas often has to spend the night at the hospital . When he returns home after a 30 hour absence , sometimes Rocky acts as though it 's just a normal day . Other times , like last night , he is so happy to see him that he does all sorts of weird things . When he got home from work , he took off all of his clothes ( scrubs ) and threw them on the floor . Rocky loves when Thomas does this as he is drawn to smelly things ( I thought that was only dogs . . . ) In the background , you may be able to see some of my workout socks that Rocky threw out of my dirty workout clothes basket . He then brought them into his special hallway . In any case , Max decided to join in on the fun of working over Thomas 's clothes . Unfortunately , by the time I started to film , Rocky had basically stopped working over the clothes and had started wandering around with his beak dragging on the floor . But I still wanted to show this because their infrequent cooperation was foreshadowing events to come . . . But not yet ! When Thomas hasn 't slept in 30 or so hours , his personality changes . He 's crabby ( not surprisingly ) and also will often act a bit drunk . He likes to bang things together , which the parrots love . He was at the kitchen table , banging Rocky 's stick around , and Rocky came over and started attacking the stick . As with the last video , this ended up turning into him wandering around , dragging his beak on the ground . Both of the greys had nails that were a bit long , so Thomas decided to do them last night . He did Stella 's nails with little problem , but as he had Max in his lap , Beeps and Rocky came to her defense ! Rocky started throwing himself at Thomas 's feet , attacking them ( and not a fake attack ) . Beeps dive bombed him , twice ! ( This is the first - - and I 'm hoping last - - time we 've seen a dive bomb from Beeps ) . Thomas and Max had to move into the bathroom , with the door closed , so they could finish in peace . And even then , Rocky followed them . He was throwing himself at the bathroom door . I tried to get this on video , but Rocky is really drawn to the stick . I had it so that I could stop him from attacking me , should he have decided to try to do that . Instead , he decided to step up . But I think you can still get an idea of what he was doing in this video ! I didn 't want him to hurt himself , so I then picked him up and held him near the door so he could hear Thomas reassuring Max ( and Rocky ) that everything was OK . I think you can get an idea of how he continued to freak out in this video . He was so happy once Max came out of the bathroom , perfectly fine and perched on Thomas 's hand . About 10 minutes later , Thomas noticed that Rocky was attacking the Dremel that he 'd left on the kitchen table . Smart parrot - - he knows what that 's for ! Those are my running shorts on the table - - I lay them out the night before morning runs so that I can get an extra minute of sleep ! As with the other videos , he started running around , dragging his beak on the ground . But you can still see one Dremel attack ! There were many more before this . After , I put it away . One of the main issues I 've run into in my multi - parrot household is jealousy . Our parrots love attention ! With 2 of us and 6 of them , there are bound to be times when someone is feeling left out . Usually , this jealousy is expressed verbally . That 's what 's happening in this video . Prior to filming , Calypso kept making kissing sounds . Since he is underrepresented on this blog , I wanted to try to capture that . He and Beeps are sharing ( different levels of ) a stand , Max is on the adjoining stand . Rocky is playing on the kitchen table , uninvolved in the scene . Stella is in the living room in her cage ( for her safety ) because the stove is on and she has an unhealthy fascination with it . Daphne is in the living room ( also for her safety ) as I was cooking and couldn 't risk anything happening to her because I couldn 't supervise adequately . She is also uninvolved in the scene . It may be hard to distinguish what 's going on . I 'm asking Calypso for kisses , then Max says " gimme a kiss ! " ( really quickly ) . Beeps and Stella also give kisses after I ask another parrot for one . In this case , " kisses " just means making the noise and not any sort of beak action . Off - camera , Max was also trying really hard for me to pick her up . One of the issues I 've run into while volunteering at the rescue is people quickly acquiring too many parrots . Oftentimes , they start with one , then two , then six ( that 's where we are ! ) , then ten , then twenty . It 's amazing how these things can snowball out of control . After all , there 's always room for one more , right ? Ultimately , it 's the birds that suffer when people get in over their heads . Because there is the same amount of space for more birds , more fights happen - - beaks and toes go missing . One - on - one time with each parrot diminishes , then oftentimes disappears altogether . Cleanliness suffers ; quality food and vet care may no longer be affordable . In my opinion , there is no magic number when suddenly things are out of control . Many households can 't adequately care for one bird . Others do fine with many more , especially with smaller birds in an aviary environment that have each other for company and don 't want human companionship . Or when birds have formed a bond with each other as well as their humans . ( Us ? We 're not so lucky . I think my parrots think they 're people . ) This has been on my mind a lot lately because of one couple in particular that I know through the rescue . In the past three years , they have acquired 8 amazons , a macaw , a conure , and a grey . At least three of their birds who used to be handleable no longer are because they don 't get enough attention . They just surrendered an amazon back to the rescue because of aggression issues stemming from packing too many parrots into too small of a space . And now they want to add another macaw . I 've tried talking to them , but it does no good because they don 't think there 's a problem . So , to get it off of my chest , I just whine about it here . . . thanks for listening : ) Thomas was on call again last night , so the parrots and I were home by ourselves . As he often does , Rocky positioned himself by our sliding door , where the glass happens to be at parrot - level , in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Thomas mowing the lawn . Alas , it was not meant to be . . . He climbed up on the plant and was acting in a way such that I knew he wanted attention ( from me ? Verbal only , of course ! ) I 'm posting this because of how adorable ( yet sad ) he sounds towards the end when he 's responding to my " hello . " I was driving home last night , with Thomas in the passenger 's seat . A few blocks from our house we are lucky to have a little river ( it 's more of a creek , but is officially a river ) , with a fair amount of trees . As I was driving yesterday , Thomas said , " don 't hit the deer ! " Luckily this street is not a busy one , as I stopped and made him take a few pictures out of the window . I know these are nothing like the pictures ( and story ! ) Shannon can provide , but it thrilled me ! When we got home , Thomas changed his clothes and attempted to put a sweatshirt on . Rocky may have a rough winter ahead of him if he doesn 't quickly get used to Thomas wearing more clothes again ! Rocky was extremely agitated and quite aggressive against Thomas when he tried four different sweatshirts . Finally , he found one jacket - like object that was warm enough for Thomas while not drawing Rocky 's ire . Later that evening , Thomas was sitting at the table , reading the paper . He asked me if I 'd give him a little shoulder massage , and I told him I would if he 'd hold Daphne . I had been holding her and didn 't want to put her back in her cage . I couldn 't leave her on a stand since it 's too risky that another parrot might attack her . Of course he said yes - - who could resist such a budgie ? She climbed up his arm and started perching here on his sleeve . She happily sat there , occasionally chirping , for several minutes until I took her back . When I have to transport one of the parrots somewhere and I don 't want them to fly off , I 'll often flip them upside down and walk with them . We 've made this into a game , so everyone enjoys this . We call it " going on a trip . " So , I 'll say , " Want to go on a trip ? " and then flip them upside down . Max will sometimes flip herself over and hang off of my hand . I haven 't been writing much about Beeps since he has been extremely camera aggressive for a month or so . If I walk by his cage with the camera , there 's about a 20 % chance that he will fly at me and try to attack . I 'm careful to hide the camera behind my back , out of his sigPosted by A few weeks ago , I said I would try to get photos of my greys ' tails to help illustrate the physical differences between congos and timnehs . Here 's Max ( timneh ) : Here 's Stella ( congo ) : In addition to the color of their beaks , one of the most striking differences is their tails . These tail feather molted naturally ( I 'm saving them to send to this project ) . I 've noticed some personality differences between my girls , but those are not necessarily due to the fact that they are a congo and timneh - - my caiques also have many personality differences ! But there are also many similarities between my greys . Probably the best personality similarity is that they are both very loving ! When I came home over the weekend , I noticed we had a little visitor on our front stoop . He stayed there for me to take a few pictures . Unfortunately , this picture came out a bit blurry ( zoom ! ! ! ) - - doesn 't this little guy look kind of evil ? All while looking utterly adorable . . . I turned my back on him in an effort to reposition myself for better pictures , but he then disappeared . It was a slow weekend for pictures . By the time I 'd grab the camera , they 'd stopped doing what I had intended to photograph ! I 'll try to get my act together this week ! The other day , I was listening to pandora ( of course ! ) , on a radio station I created based on Mason Jennings . Since I listen while I 'm working , the music is mostly background noise , although I do occasionally stop working to listen to a song . I thought I heard the word " parrots " in a song , so I stopped to see what the song was , and it 's called " Parrots " by Alexis Harte . The lyrics ( found here ) made me think of the issue that Beloved Parrot linked to the other day . The song just came on again , which is why I 'm posting it now . I woke up , hoping that the weather forecasts would be wrong , but was met with pounding rain . There is no way I was running 16 miles in that ! So , after getting the parrots and lizards ready for the day ( fresh food and water ) and lingering a bit too long over my own breakfast and the paper , delaying the inevitable , I headed downstairs for some treadmill running . Not fun at all ! I ran to The Sound of Music for the first 12 . 5 miles , and then Thomas came home , got on the elliptical , and changed the channel to Saturday morning cartoons . Since he hadn 't slept for approximately 30 hours at that point , I let him have his way . That is , by far , the longest I have ever run on the treadmill , and I hope that I never have to do that again . I feel like I shouldn 't complain about the weather , given what 's happening down south . One of my friends , who runs a small parrot and reptile rescue , was in the evacuation zone . The fact that there was too much rain for me to run seems like such a petty concern in comparison . So far , it sounds like she ( and all of the animals ) are doing well , but she hasn 't been back home yet to survey the damage . My thoughts are definitely with her at this point . A friend sent me this link the other day and I found it very interesting . Even though I don 't own a dog , much less a pit bull , I just hate how they are maligned in the media and by many people . The site I linked to has pictures of many different dogs - - see if you can find the pit bull . It took me about 9 tries ! On the subject of pits , one of my favorite animal rescue organizations , Best Friends , has done amazing things with some of the dogs rescued from Michael Vick . My friend and I are in the beginning stages of planning a trip out there sometime in the next 6 months . We can 't wait ! You can stay in cabins on their property and volunteer while you 're out there . I 'm really looking forward to spending time with the parrots and with the dogs . This may only exacerbate my desire for a dog ! Another week has passed - - wow ! I didn 't take a single picture last night or this morning . I guess I should have saved some of yesterday 's posts for today . Instead , I will post some random , mostly parrot - related , thoughts that are running through my head . I was running a bit late and since I was going to be alone at the office today , I decided not to dry my hair . I thought about not showering , but decided that since I did have to go out in public , a shower was definitely necessary ! The greys both love it when I have wet hair . I don 't think either one has even preened my hair when it 's dry , but when it 's wet , they can 't get enough . Last night in our clicker training session , Calypso perfected taking a bow . It will be interesting to see how he does in tonight 's session ! The greys have many similar personality traits , but they are also very different . Max is much more independent and Stella is much needier . They are both quite jealous of the other birds , especially each other . I am supposed to run 16 miles tomorrow . Right now , the weather forecast indicates thunderstorms all day . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do . I don 't think I could handle 16 miles on my treadmill , even with " What About Bob ? " playing . I also don 't want to be struck by lightening . I am so happy that I found pandora . My workday happiness has measurably increased by having this music playing all day . Also , I have been exposed to some new artists , leading to quite a few CD purchases . Stella and Calypso have their annual vet visits next week . I am not looking forward to this . Thomas can 't make it , unfortunately , which just adds to my stress since he 's the one that really understands medical issues and can ask important questions . Luckily I don 't suspect anything is wrong with them , so this shouldn 't be a major issue . I don 't want to wish my life away , but I can 't wait until Thomas no longer has to spend the night at the hospital ( 21 1 / 2 months ) . I married him because I want to spend time with him ! I sometimes wonder if medical school was worth it . . . I 'm going Posted by Last night , Max was throwing a fit about something . I don 't remember what her fit was about - - most likely she was upset that parrots other than her were receiving attention . She flew over to the table and started destroying the newspaper . That 'll show me ! But then she got some melon and all was well with the world again . . . ( Sorry I happened to catch her eye in mid - blink - - it looks kind of gross ! ) She does have tantrums occasionally , but luckily they are short - lived and then she 's back to her normal personality ! Also - - that is a giant piece of melon and much bigger than we would have given her . She grabbed it out of the bowl when Thomas 's back was turned . We got it away from her after she had an appropriate amount . How could she even lift a piece that big ? It 's almost the size of her head ! Rocky is in nesting mode . He 's found a new place to nest - - the middle level of the cart where we store the parrots ' food . We keep a blanket there in case we want to cover up while on the couch ( have not had to use this for months , obviously ! ) He even brought some wood pieces up to chip . Once again , I feel the need to put a bit of a disclaimer about Rocky 's nesting . While I wouldn 't say we encourage him to nest , we definitely don 't discourage him , either . That 's a decision we 've made , knowing him . We discourage our female parrots from nesting ( we don 't want to deal with egg - binding issues ) , and would discourage any of our males if adverse behaviors happened as a result of the nesting . Rocky enjoys this diversion , it keeps him busy , and it has no impact on his behavior , so we allow it . He 's just being a bird ! I had to move this plant to another location in our house because I didn 't want it to suffer death - by - caique , but I thought this picture was kind of cute . It almost looks as though we 're growing a caique - - how many days until the harvest ? Stella , she who loves our sink and the stove , has started also perching on our dish drying rack . I can 't imagine why - - the wire can 't be a comfortable perch . By her left foot , you 'll see whePosted by Rocky was an attention hog last night . He could not get enough of us ! Repeating " hello ! " is one of his ways of begging . In this video , he climbed from his cage to Stella 's and then kept saying " hello ! " to me while wandering around her cage . I answer him back - - but you should be able to tell what is me and what is the parrot . He may also have been begging a bit because his routine of late had been to go inside Stella 's cage and eat her seed while she was in the kitchen . I closed her door last night so this wouldn 't happen - - he has his own seed ! Our kitchen is set up such that our counter juts out , bisecting the room into the " cooking " side and the " eating " side . In our house , that means the " cooking " side and the " parrot " side . Of course , since the parrots have pretty much taken over everything on the ground floor of our house , that translates into the " cooking " side and the " parrot stand " side , with parrots moving freely between both sides . Thomas and I were on the " cooking " side , tag - teaming both the preparation of dinner and the keeping of Stella off of the floor . To be more specific , Thomas was doing most of the cooking and I was doing most of the Stella pick - up . Let me also make clear that we were preparing a salad with no stove action . Had the stove been on , Stella would have been in her cage for her safety . As I picked Stella up ( again ! ) I noticed that the basement door started to open . What ? There are no other people in this house . The parrots can 't reach the doorknob . Do we have a ghost ? Upon further investigation , Rocky had somehow managed to open the basement door ! We 're hoping that someone just hadn 't latched it completely . If he 's now able to open up properly closed doors , I may have to give up and let him completely take over our house : ( He will have won the battle of wills . He then stood at the top of the stairs , calling our names , even though he knew very well that we were in the kitchen . One of my favorite comic movies is " What About Bob ? " I watch it several times a year , usually when I have to do a long treadmill workout and want something that will help me pass the time - - although I do have to worry about laughing too hard and falling off . But that 's another post . I am not the type of person the quotes movie lines , but the exception is probably this film . One of my favorite parts of the movie is near the beginning when Bob ( Bill Murray ) is in his first session with his new psychiatrist , Dr . Marvin ( Richard Dreyfuss ) , and explaining why he was divorced . Bob 's explanation : " There are two types of people in this world : Those who like Neil Diamond , and those who don 't . My ex - wife loves him . " After listening to Bob 's explanation , Dr . Leo Marvin responds by saying , " I see . So , what you 're saying is that even though you are an almost - paralyzed , multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic , your wife did not leave you , you left her because she . . . liked Neil Diamond ? " ( I had to get the exact quotes here ) . It 's probably not exactly clear why I 'm bringing this up . First , let me reassure you that there is nothing going on with Thomas 's and my relationship , so don 't worry about that ! But recently I said to Thomas , " There are two types of people in this house : grey people and macaw people . I am a grey person . " ( His response ? A sarcastic , " oh , really ? " ) Being able to interact with hundreds of parrots and scores of people over the past years I 've been volunteering at the bird rescue has been quite interesting . While every bird is an individual , I 've been able to notice personality trends within the species , and also to observe the way in which certain volunteers and customers interact with the birds . In my experience , the types of parrots that seem to be most polarizing are cockatoos , macaws , and greys . I 've rarely ( read : never ) heard someone say " Gosh , I really hate budgies ! " but I 've had so many people tell me that they hate cockatoos , macaws , and greys . Why is that ? My thought is that it might rPosted by I wrote a few weeks back about making parrot toys . In addition to making toys for my own parrots , I make toys for the birds at the shelter where I volunteer . If anyone reading this wants to help out at a parrot shelter but either lives too far away to be able to go there frequently or just doesn 't have the time , this is another option - - making toys in your spare time ( while watching TV , for example ) and bringing them up when you 're in the neighborhood . Just ask your local parrot rescue - - I 'm sure they 'd love the help ! At the rescue where I volunteer , we take in several hundred birds ever year , and usually have at least 15 - 20 cockatoos and 5 - 10 macaws at any one time , in addition to many smaller birds . As you can imagine , they go through a lot of wood ! The other shelter volunteers save toy parts left over when the bird has destroyed the toy , such as wire and chain . I 'll take a box or two of parts home and remake them into new toys for the birds . In this way , we save money as well as landfill space by recycling parts into new toys . This is what I brought home last Saturday : And this is what I dropped off at the rescue this morning : By making toys , you also know that your donation is going directly to help the birds , and you 're making their lives more enjoyable ! On the same toy note , I was at the hardware store over the weekend and noticed a plastic 5 - drawer storage container . I have used 3 - drawer containers as foraging toys for the parrots , but this one was taller and about perfect Rocky size ! I filled the drawers up with different things . Around Easter time , the stores near us are filled with paper Easter grass . I always buy a cart - full and use it throughout the year . I could probably make this cheaply at home using a paper shredder . In addition to the paper sheds , I put in various toy parts ( including wood pieces to chip ) , and a few Harrison 's power treats ( Rocky 's favorite ) . I placed it in his cage , like this . When I returned home from work , several of the drawers were open and he had gone through them . I think the Posted by
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I know that I keep coming back to the events in Newtown on December 14th . It 's been really prominent in my thoughts . Certainly , when we started Advent , none of us anticipated something so awful happening . None of us expected to arrive at Christmas in the shadow of not just that event , but another mass shooting which occurred yesterday . Another ! All of us have struggled to cling to our joy . I 've been trying to find some kind of perspective to help me around it , but there just is no perspective where things like this make sense . Instead , I 've had to turn my focus within . Let me share one of my very favorite passages of scripture with you . It 's from the twenty - fifth chapter of the Gospel of Matthew . 37 " Then the righteous will answer him , ' Lord , when did we see you hungry and feed you , or thirsty and give you something to drink ? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in , or needing clothes and clothe you ? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you ? ' It is a sad truth that the smallest and most helpless members of our society are the ones who bear a disproportionate share of the brunt of society 's worst tendencies . But that doesn 't mean you and I can 't try to help . We can work together ( and it doesn 't even have to be that much work ! ) and do whatever we can for the least of these brothers and sisters . When we do , it 's just like we 're doing it for Him . There 's your joy . As good as the anticipation and expectation of Advent are , they 're still looking towards a defined end . Anticipate bigger . Expect eternity . Love each other . I can 't claim to be a perfectionist ( a frustrated perfectionist , maybe ) , but I would definitely say that I live my life beholden to the schedules and timetables that I set for myself . I don 't know when I became that way , but my poor wife can tell you that it 's definitely been for as long as we 've been together . The easiest way to see me at my worst is to knock me off schedule . As your Jewish grandmother always says , though , " Man plans , God laughs . " It doesn 't matter if I wake my family 3 hours before church or 30 minutes : we 'll be walking in to service about 10 minutes late . Life with a family has made me learn the value of flexibility . I had hoped to have today 's service completed by today , and have it ready to announce , but it was just too involved a task for me to complete in an hour , or even in the week or so that I 've been working on it . Let me tell you why I 'm OK with it being in progress . What is Advent ? As I mentioned at the beginning of the project , it 's a time of preparation . Advent is the journey to Christmas Day . I 've only begun today 's project , but it 's the first part of a journey . My children have made me an entirely different person than I was eight years ago . I think I 've always been a pretty emotionally open person , but having children took things that were always there and brought them right up to the surface all the time . I 'm watching It 's a Wonderful Life right now as I type this , and when it showed the scene where George Bailey runs back into his home and embraces his children after his vision of the world without him , I got choked up . If you ask me what my proudest accomplishment is , I will tell you that it is fatherhood . That 's why I haven 't been able to stop thinking about the parents of Newtown , CT for the last week and a half . I think about the sounds that will fill my home tomorrow morning , sounds which will be absent from so many homes in that town , and it just shatters my heart . The Wednesday after the shootings , I saw an interview with Frank Keating on CNN . He was governor of Oklahoma in 1995 , when the Oklahoma City bombing occurred , and they were asking him about his perspective on what lies ahead for Newtown . He noted that 17 years after the OKC incident , funds are still being used to put victims ' children through college , provide counseling to first responders and cover medical care for the severely injured . That made me start thinking about long term goals . So many people have reached out to Newtown already . If you go to IndieGogo and search for " Newtown , " it returns lots and lots of results . It 's encouraging to see people taking action . I considered just contributing to one of the existing fundraisers , but so many of them were so vague about their purpose : " to raise money for the victims . . . " I wanted to do something with a very specific aim . Here it is , and here is why it 's not entirely ready yet . I 've been working with an attorney friend to set up a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) nonprofit organization called the Newtown 2025 Fund . My goal is to establish a scholarship fund for the current kindergarten class of Sandy Hook Elementary School . For the next 12 years , it will be able to take in contributions and let them grow before being disbursed . The only two criteria it will have are that the recipients must be a member of the kindergarten class that is enrolled at Sandy Hook right now , and they must graduate ( from any high school ) in the spring of 2025 . I 've never done anything like this before , so I 'm figuring it out as I go , but my friend has been really helpful . I hope to be able to announce the successful formation of The Newtown 2025 Fund in early January , and to give you the chance to help me establish it , and to help spread the word about it . If you 're reading this right now , I won 't ask you to promise a contribution , but will you commit to help me tell others , and to pray for this project ? Affirmation Project : This may sound like a cop - out , but today I just want to send an affirmation to all of you . This month has been so full of friends who have contacted me to encourage me or to say that they have enjoyed following Project Advent . Christmas can bring with it such a tide of emotions - it 's a joyous time of year , but so many of us also contend with more difficult feelings , too . If you see this , just know that I am thankful for you . God made you wonderfully and fearfully . Thanks for being a friend . My friend Wyatt is a great guy . He 's a brilliant medical researcher , a great father , and a generous friend . He and his wife Enusha have one of the most romantic stories of courtship ever . She also works in medicine . When the two of them were married , they started a non - profit organization called The WE Fund to promote scientific solutions to societal problems . Affirmation Project : There 's a girl whose family goes to our church , and she occasionally works in the nursery . As I was walking down the hall to get the kids this morning , she got excited and said , " I never knew that you and Mrs . Lewis are brother and sister ! " My sister , Kristen , used to be a counselor at a junior high here in Lubbock , and is working her first year in a high school this year . This girl had seen a picture of my kids in Kristen 's office , and put things together when she asked about it . I 'm proud of you and the difference that you make in your students ' lives , Kristen . It makes me proud when they associate me with you ! You may remember a week and a half ago , I asked for your help with today 's project . My original goal was to find somebody who needed a number of household repairs and tasks done , and to help them out with that . It turns out that finding somebody for that was much harder than I had anticipated ! But earlier this week , my wife 's cousin Chad called me with a suggestion . Chad owns a few rental homes , and told me the story of Mr . and Mrs . Mullins , who live in one of them . They 're a retired couple on a fixed income , and he has battled with cancer for the last several years . They believed it to be in remission , but it has returned . Mrs . Mullins has some back trouble , which makes it difficult for her to do certain things around the home . Chad told me that they 've always kept the place really nice , and have always been fantastic tenants . The home is in good repair , but their health troubles have made certain cleaning tasks really difficult for them . The project took on a different direction . Instead of repairs , we 'd be doing cleaning . This morning , Chad and his daughter Halle met us at the Mullins ' home , both of us armed with cleaning supplies . A few minutes later , my friend Amy Johnston showed up with her three daughters ( and one of their boyfriends , too ! ) . The next hour and a half was a whirlwind of Swiffers , bleach wipes , magic erasers , mops , Windex , and dust cloths . Chad and Halle worked outside to tidy up the yard some . Amy and I focused on the kitchen , scrubbing down the cabinet fronts and counter tops . Blake and one of Amy 's daughters took turns on the Swiffer , while another of her girls cleaned the glass in the front door . Amy 's oldest daughter and her boyfriend cleaned the bathroom until it shone . And you know ? I really have to brag on all of our kids today . All of them just got out of school for the Christmas holiday yesterday , and they 've got their whole break ahead of them . It 's a Saturday morning . There 's a million things they could be doing , but instead of doing any of those things , they are with us in the home of somebody they don 't know , doing a great job of cleaning . I was so proud of them all , I thought I would burst . I was dusting the many family photos that hung in the Mullins ' living room , and Mr . Mullins came in and said , " Careful , now ! Those are my trophies . " And as he said it , he stopped to look at a picture of his grandkids and his whole face was covered with a smile . While we were wrapping up , Chad 's wife Heather arrived with a trunkload of groceries for the Mullins . We unloaded them and put them away , and Mr . Mullins told us that he had never had anybody do this much for him before . Chad thanked him for giving all of us the chance to bless him today . Affirmation Project : I was surrounded by so much generosity today . Chad , who set this up , and who has done other things to help the Mullins . Heather , who shopped for them . Amy and her kids , who gave their time to come and help us out . My friend Ann , who didn 't feel well enough to join us today , but who contributed a gift card for groceries . My mom , who overwhelmed me with an unexpected act of kindness . Thank you , everybody . Short and simple one today . We actually signed up to do this at the start of the school year , but each Friday a different parent brings snacks up to All Saints for the teacher 's lounge . Today was our turn . I made pigs in a blanket , and picked up fresh bagels from Einstein Brothers . It looked like they were a hit ! The rest of the day was really nice , too . Blake went home with a friend to play for the afternoon , so I got to have a daddy - daughter lunch date with Ava . I told her I 'd take her anyplace in Lubbock . She chose Chik Fil A . My friend Courtney got in touch with me after I worked at the Sick Children 's Clinic earlier this month . It turns out that she is now the full - time financial administrator for Second Baptist Church , the church that sponsors the clinic . She invited me last year to work an evening at Saint Benedict 's , because Second Baptist also does that every Thursday night , and she was getting in touch to renew the invitation for this year . They start serving the meal at 5 , which is when I get off of work . Fortunately , St . Ben 's is only about a quarter mile from my office , so I hopped in the car and booked it over there as quickly as I could . When I got there , the tables inside were already completely full , and most folks had already had a first serving of food . However , there were still seconds to be served , and a crowd of people waiting outside for seats to open up so that they could come in and eat . Last year , I waited tables , taking food out to people and picking up their plates when they were done , or bringing them more food if they wanted more . This year , I stood in the assembly line and helped make plates . The first two people put meatloaf and green beans on the plate , I added potatoes , Courtney topped them with gravy , and the last volunteer added bread . It was fun ! We caught up on the last year , talked about what 's been going on in our lives , and just enjoyed each other 's company . The hour passed quickly . I thought about how many of these projects have involved feeding hungry people . It makes me glad that there are places like this where people can get a meal . It makes me glum to think that in 2012 in America there are still so many people who need a meal . Tonight , though , I also thought of a scripture that I haven 't thought of in a long time , Hebrews 13 : 1 - 2 . Here 's what happened . I sat down in my chair last night at about 9 : 00 , ready to type this post . I put my laptop on top of my lap , and promptly fell asleep before I even opened it . I woke up six hours later with a crick in my neck and no blog entry written . The blog elves did not come and cobble it together for me this time . Anyway , yesterday was all about time spent with kids . It was my final visit to the All Saints Chess Club for 2012 . I didn 't get to see Blake this time . Every Wednesday , a group of second graders from All Saints goes to the Ronald McDonald House to help out there and bake cookies for the guests , and yesterday was one of his days to go . Still , there were about 10 kids who did come yesterday , so it was a pretty full house . The children started coming in a few at a time . Some set up boards while others just watched or visited . A boy named Ryan asked if I would play with him . A while back , I reached the decision that I wouldn 't ever take it easy on these kids , mostly because I 'm not good enough to take it easy on them . Still , after a few opening moves , it seemed like Ryan may have been struggling , so I pulled back a little . Kid hustled me . I spent the rest of the game watching him mop my pieces off of the board . But that 's not the real story of yesterday . The weathermen had all predicted severe winds yesterday , but it was still calm when I arrived at the school . At about 12 : 30 , though , one of the kids shouted " The storm is here ! " and then you could literally hear the exact moment when the wall of wind and dust slammed into the side of the school . I don 't think I 'm exaggerating when I say that it felt like the building actually moved a little bit . Besides Ryan , the rest of the kids just entirely lost interest in chess at that point , and went into full - on Crazytown mode . I 'm thinking that maybe in addition to other safety - related talks they 've probably received at school this week , their teachers may have taken the chance to review severe weather safety , too , because this crowd was ready to dive into the bunkers . I am not making this up : a few of them just started running laps around the library . One of them kept poking his head outside before coming back in to report , " It 's still so windy ! " Two boys took every book about weather that they could find off of the shelves , and started looking for information about dust storms . Sorry about that , Mrs . Gretzler . So , between moves with Ryan , who was getting increasingly impatient with waiting to beat me , I was making the rounds of the room , trying to introduce a little bit of calmness to things , assuring the children that everything was going to be OK , and not to listen to the first grader who insisted that a tornado was just outside . Here are all three of them pre - show . Ava was a sheep , and Blake and Jack were both shepherds . Also , look at the adorable little girl behind Jack ! That 's our friends Marcy and Clay 's daughter Addison . That look of concentration is him realizing that there is a microphone less than a foot away from his fa e . Luckily , he hasn 't reached the age yet where he 'd think to commandeer that mike for himself and say things into t . Instead , he decided to lean forward and rub the soft , spongy black microphone cover all up on his face , adding a nice rumble and screech of feedback to the program at random interva s . I was laughing too hard to record t . I only got th The very first words out of his mouth when we went to get him after the program : " Did you see me put my face on the thing , Daddy ? " He was so proud . I was , too . I mean , they 're my kids . Of course I 'm proud . But especially when one of them gets a laugh . Affirmation Project : Heather Griffis , FUMC 's children 's minister , I really don 't know how you do it . I 've watched you take control of a group of 30 kids , with nothing planned to do , and completely draw them into some game that you just made up on the spot . You are so good at making something wonderful out of something disorderly , and you do a great job of making our children feel like a part of the church family . OK , now on to today 's service . I had originally planned to return to the Sick Children 's Clinic , because I had such a wonderful experience there last time , and because they had doctor 's hours today . Unfortunately , the doctor 's hours started at 10 AM , and at the very end of the day yesterday , my manager scheduled a 10 AM meeting that I really needed to be at . I texted the folks in charge to apologize and let them know I wouldn 't be there . Luckily , God provides ! Because it 's Tuesday , I knew that Second Helpings was serving at my church , so I ran over there during my lunch break and helped serve food . So many of the friends I made during my visits last December were there again , just as they probably have been all year long . Today 's menu included beans , green beans , carrots , fried chicken , baked chicken with a sour cream sauce , salad , and dessert . My station was right beside the salad , where there were two large bowls of salsa , one red and one green , spooning it out to anybody who wanted some with their meal . I got to stand beside Nell , one of my favorite ladies , and visit with her , and the hour passed quickly . Affirmation Project : I 'm really grateful for the family I married into . Over the last year , Courtney 's cousin Chad has become a really treasured friend , and today he shared something with me , something very kind that he recently did for somebody in a position of need . Thank you for letting me know about that , and for the part that you 've agreed to play in Project Advent this weekend , Chad ! A Special Look What Danny Made ! Note : This is my 300th post ! It 's a landmark I 'm happy to have reached , and happy to have fall in the middle of Project Advent . Hurt : Although I 've made my email address available on my contact info page , I usually receive very few actual email messages from readers . Folks either leave a comment , put something on Facebook , or tell me what they think in person . This morning when I awoke and checked my email , I had a message from somebody whom I 've never met , telling me that I 'm a " commie faggot " for making a donation to the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence . I haven 't replied yet . I should probably just delete it . Joy : For my hour of service , I returned to The Bridge of Lubbock , where I sorted coats last week . Ashley , the director , had told me that I should come back to help with their annual community Christmas meal , which was today . I 'm so glad that I did . I 'm always a bad judge of numbers of people , but there had to have been several hundred people who were fed today , and the food looked fantastic . Christmas ham , mashed potatoes and gravy , green bean casserole , salad , and rolls , with a choice of several pies for dessert ! As people came in , they took a seat , and we would bring plates out to them , along with more food if they wished . It was a windy , dusty , unpleasant day outside , but as soon as people came in , you could just see the peace and camaraderie of the place overtake them . Everybody who attended was also given a coat and a Bible , and a new toy if they had children with them . There was a family who arrived later than most other folks ; I showed them to seats and brought them food , and then came back a while later to ask if there was anything else they needed . They had three boys , the oldest of whom must have been around five , and they asked if there were any toys left . Up to this point , I hadn 't really done anything with the toys , because I 'd been busy bringing food and then busing tables , but I went to check . There were exactly three toys left . Putting them into those boys ' hands felt as good as though I was handing them to my own three children . Pride : This is me with my friend Charlie . We go to the same church with his family , and he 's about Blake 's age . When he saw something about boys and girls who are cold , he wanted to do something about it , and asked his school if he could start a coat drive . They said he couldn 't , so he did it through our church instead . At The Bridge today , his coats made up a large part of what was given out . In fact , he was able to collect so many coats that not only did everybody who attended Christmas Lunch at The Bridge today receive one , he and his mom went to CASA when they left and gave away another 150 coats . I 'm so proud of you , Charlie . I 'm so amazed at your heart . Sorrow : I had the chance to see some old friends under very sad circumstances today . Dr . John Marx taught with my dad in Texas Tech 's department of chemistry for many years . I grew up alongside his son Sam and daughter Ruthie , and went to school with them . I was in the same Boy Scout troop with Sam and Dr . Marx . In many ways , he was a lot like my dad , a quiet , thoughtful , gentle , fiercely intelligent man who was never happier than when he could share his love of science and of the outdoors with the boys in the troop . He had what surely must have been one of the world 's largest private collections of science fiction , with over 80 , 000 volumes in his library . Every now and then , I would buy some from him , and he 'd throw in a few extra ones that I hadn 't asked for but that he thought I 'd like based on my purchases . His picks were usually better than mine . Last Thursday , Dr . Marx passed away . Sam , Ruthie , and Mrs . Marx : I am so sorry for your loss . I really thought the world of Dr . Marx . It does put a smile on my face , though , to think of him and my dad hanging out again . What are you feeling tonight ? There 's one week until Christmas Eve . Don 't let it be a frantic time , let it be a hopeful time . I know , easier said than done . I 'm working on it , too . Let 's work on it together . Affirmation Project : My friend Steve Moss posted a really encouraging video on my Facebook about service to others as the way to being a light in the darkness . It was something very touching at a time when I needed to see something like that . Steve , I 've known you for 25 years , through so many changes in both of our lives , but a constant through all of that time is that you have always been a true , loving supporter not only to me , but to so many others who have been in your orbit . First , to follow up on yesterday 's entry . At the end of today , after the kids had their baths and were in pajamas , I got them to help me make our goodie bags for the Hope Lodge . I told them what the stockings were for , and they didn 't even ask for any of the candy we were putting inside them . They were just so excited that they were getting to do something that would make people happy . It really , really blessed me . Now , for today 's project . My original plan today was to take the kids out to lunch and pay for a stranger 's meal . That 's something I 've always wanted to do , and have always thought would be fun . I 'm just not in a fun place yet , though . Every time I close my eyes , I see that little girl in the blue shirt , the one who was sobbing as the police led her class away from their school . I called an audible , and changed where the donation for today went . Today , I sent an hour of pay to the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence . It 's not a lot , but it 's at least something . Affirmation Project : One of the things that I have to do on Sundays is lead a weekly Bible study . This year I have a pretty small group , just myself and three people . Today , two of them couldn 't make it , so it was just me and Stephanie in class . Stephanie , today I just want to thank you for being in class , not just today , but always . You are so knowledgeable and passionate about the Bible , and having you in class has really made it a fun group to be with this year . One of the most amazing days I had during the first Project Advent was when I went and helped at the Hope Lodge . To refresh your memory , the Hope Lodge is a place where cancer patients and their caregivers and loved ones can stay if they have to travel for medical treatment . It is free of charge . The one in Lubbock is the first , and so far only , one in Texas . The rooms are comparable to what you would find in a really top - notch hotel , and there are lots of other amenities and conveniences that their guests have access to . My plan today , since it was a Saturday , was to work with the kids on something special for the Hope Lodge . There are about 20 - 25 guests there at any time , and we were going to make little care packages for them . I had a bunch of little stockings , and the plan was to fill them with some treats to make the day a little nicer for the guests of the Lodge , things like chocolate kisses , puzzle books , and other little fun things . I had all of the stuff ready to go , but then came The Event . The Event Which Required Attention . See , my job is in IT . Most of the time that just means I have to keep stuff plugged in and working well together , but every so often something bigger comes up , and today was one of those days . Anyway , I ended up spending about 12 hours at the office today working on The Event Which Required Attention . By the time I was done up there , I needed to get home with the kids , get them bathed and put them to bed . Affirmation Project : Courtney worked last night , and again tonight , so I needed somebody to be with the kids while I was working , so that she could sleep . My mom watched them this morning , but had something she needed to do this afternoon , so I called our favorite babysitter , Kerri . We first met Kerri almost 6 years ago , which I can 't even believe . At the time she was a Tech student , and now she 's a grad student ; we met her because she also works in our church nursery . All of our kids have been in her care at some point or other , and somewhere in there , she became our go - to gal when we needed somebody to babysit for us . She came over today to spend the afternoon with the children , and do you know what she did ? At the end of the afternoon , she wouldn 't let us pay her . Kerri , you 're so much more than a babysitter to us - you 're like another member of our family . Thank you . I 'm having a really hard time finding the motivation to type this today . You know why . I had today off , and I had the TV on while I was in the kitchen , getting some things ready for tonight 's project . I was cooking when the news came on . You know which news . Like every American , I am heartsick today . I 'm sure that in the weeks ahead , we 'll be finding out more about the reasons that today unfolded like it did . Right now , though . . . God . Oh God . My chest and stomach have been in a vise grip all day long , and I 'm just barely holding back the tears . And part of me thinks that maybe I 'll feel better for still writing this up and sharing it , but the bigger part just wonders what 's the point . What 's the point ? ! ? Here 's something I wrote at the conclusion of last year 's Project Advent : On days when I 'm not feeling as driven towards service , this is something I 've thought about to help stir me : these actions are like lighting a candle . But a day like today happens , and . . . what ? What does it matter if I spend an hour putting something good into the world when some maniac can put SO MUCH evil into the world in even less time ? And when it 's happened SO MANY times this year that I can 't even keep track of them all anymore ? And morons on Facebook ranting about how the answer to this epidemic is for even more of us to be armed , for teachers to carry guns to school , for you and I to carry guns to the movies or to work - for all of us to be prepared to kill our fellow man at a moment 's notice . Are you prepared to live like that ? To see every day as a potential opportunity to cowboy up and put a bullet into somebody ? I 'm not , and I never will be . But again , what does it matter ? If I sit here and type 100 , 000 words about this , I won 't have changed anything . Tonight , all of us are anguished . All of those precious children . . . I did do my service today , though , because I 've made that commitment . Today I wanted to do something special for my friend Brett . I 've known him for literally my entire life . Brett is about five years older than me , and we grew up down the street from each other . We used to play baseball in the cul de sac I lived on with all of the other kids from the neighborhood . Now he 's a fireman , and I asked him if I could bring dinner for the men at his station tonight . He happily said yes , and gave me details about how many guys would be on shift , and what time I should bring the food by . I made a big crockpot of chili ( which I also took some fixings along for : cheese , Fritos , sour cream , and jalapenos ) , a pan of cornbread , and a peach pie ( which was compliments of my mom . Thanks , Mom ! ) . When we got to the station , we were greeted by Brett 's sons , who were there spending the night with him . Brett and his crew were just getting back from a call , and they seemed really pleased to have something hot to come back to . Brett was really kind to my kids , and showed them around the whole station . Blake got comfy in the living area , and commandeered the remote to change the TV to Cartoon Network . " Want to come and see the fire truck , Blake ? " " Nah , I 'm good . " During the day today , I had lunch with my mom and then took her to see Argo . In the opening scenes , when it showed the Iranian Revolution , my mom said , " I remember this . You were too young , though . You were only four . " And she was right : I was alive when that happened , but I have absolutely no memory of it . I learned about it years later in history class . I picked up my children from school today , and they had no idea what had happened in Newtown , Connecticut today . I 'm glad of that . But I think they still sensed the sadness in me . So , you know , I did what I could . I took them to dinner at one of our favorite places , the Holly Hop , where we had hot dogs and ice cream , and even sat at the counter while songs played on the jukebox . Jack had a little accident while we were there , and I was about to lose my temper with him , and that 's when a sweet grandma came in with her friends , smoothed Jack 's hair with one hand , and told me I had beautiful children . " Treasure them , because they just grow so fast , and you just never know . . . " She squeezed my hand and went to place her order . You just never know . But you can buy them some ice cream , and tuck them in at night , and then cry about things that you pray they 'll never know . Affirmation Project : Another longtime friend , Geoff Hearn , completed nursing school today ! He and I used to be in Boy Scouts together , and his dad was like my second dad . I 'm really proud of you , Geoff . Congratulations . On Saturday , 12 / 22 , I want to form a service strikeforce of anybody who wants to be a part of it , and I want to go knock out a year 's worth of tasks in a single morning . For this to happen , here 's what I need : A Suggested Recipient : Ideally , I 'd like for us to go and assist somebody who really needs the help . Somebody elderly or infirm , somebody who has a hard time doing for themselves . If you know of somebody in Lubbock who could use a hand with some household tasks , maintenance , or repairs , please contact me , either through a comment on this entry or at dannyholwerda @ yahoo . com . Can you help me with either of these ? I 'm still amazed at the outpouring of love that my friends showed last year . Amaze me again this year ! Let 's make the weekend before Christmas a time when we give somebody a truly fantastic gift . Email This Today I wanted to help an organization that I see literally almost every single day . I work in downtown Lubbock , and a little over a year ago I noticed their office directly across the street from my own office . Here 's a picture to help you visualize it . The Innocence Project of Texas is a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) non - profit organization dedicated to securing the release of those wrongfully convicted of crimes in Texas and educating the public about the causes and effects of wrongful convictions . We operate out of our organizational headquarters located in Lubbock , Texas , but we evaluate claims of innocence made by individuals convicted of crimes across the state . On average , we receive more than 150 letters each week from individuals requesting our assistance on innocence cases . We currently have more than 500 cases in line for investigation . I stopped in at their office a few weeks ago , and visited with Nick Vilbas , the executive director . He told me some more about the Project and the kind of help they need . Before IPOT will agree to help with a case , there are a few criteria they look for . It must be a state , not federal , case . The individual must have exhausted their direct appeals . There must be some new piece of evidence that needs consideration . Most importantly , the individual must claim actual innocence . In other words , they must not have been involved in any fashion with the crime they are accused of , not just petitioning for release on a technicality . Because of the huge volume of requests that IPOT receives , the biggest limiting factor they have is just getting enough people to put eyes on all of those letters . One of IPOT 's biggest cases so far was the exoneration of Timothy Cole . Because this involved a case that happened here in Lubbock , it was in the local news a lot . Mr . Cole died in prison while serving time for a rape which he did not commit , and which he was cleared of posthumously through DNA evidence and a confession from the man who actually committed the crime . Because I 'm not a lawyer , or even law student , I 'm not really qualified to do most of the work that they need done , but there 's one thing that 15 years of office life have prepared me to do , and that 's filing documents . When I crossed the street today , Jennifer the intern explained their filing system to me , showed me a cart full of letters and case documents , and set me loose on the cabinets . I finished the stack just as I finished the hour . Today was the halfway point of Project Advent II ! Less than two weeks now until Christmas . Are you enjoying the anticipation , the expectation , and the preparation ? Are you finding a way to make Advent mean something ? Today was also the second of my three scheduled visits to the All Saints chess club . It was a pretty small group today , but that was OK . It just meant that I got to play more with the kids who were there . Like I mentioned last week , I 've noticed that some of the kids are struggling with the fundamentals of the game , so I picked up something extra when I was shopping for yesterday 's entry . Today was BIZ - ZAY . Courtney worked last night , so I got the kiddos all dressed and off to school this morning . Then there were a few fires to put out at the office , followed by our office Christmas party at lunch time . Our office parties are usually a good time , and there was fajitas to eat ( and a cake that my coworker Earlene , the amazing baker , made ) , so I didn 't want to miss that . That ruled out lunch time for service today . Came home , had dinner with the family , and then went up to church for a two hour church council / charge conference meeting . And just like that , the day was pretty much gone ! But as I walked out of church tonight , I realized what a rare circumstance I was in . I was out on my own , with no children , and Courtney was home with them . I called her and asked if I could go out to do a little Christmas shopping for the kids . I think she was relieved at the thought of not having to do it herself , so she instantly said yes . I ran back into the church and grabbed a card from the angel tree that they had set up . Here 's the one I took : As you can see , there 's no identifying information , just an age and sex , a number to connect it to the child who made the wish list , and then the items on the list . But I picked this one because I felt like I knew this boy . He likes trains , bikes , animals , scooters , and gadgets : if he was just two years older , this kid could be Blake . We couldn 't do every single thing on the list , but here 's part of what he 'll be getting . Affirmation Project : I had the chance to sit by the newest pastor on FUMC 's staff tonight , Rev . Bailey Barkley . He 's been with our church a fairly short time , just about six months , but he 's done so much already . When Blake made his first trip to church camp this summer , Bailey was the counselor who stayed in his cabin , and Blake came back full of stories about the cool new pastor . He 's been a big part of starting some new ministries that have really taken off . Most of all , he 's just a really good guy . I 'm looking forward to the chance to know him better . I just sat down to type and ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half . Oops . Going to keep this one a little bit shorter than usual . The Bridge is a multi - pronged outreach center , located in a building that used to be an elementary school . They offer hot meals , an after - school program , a children 's health clinic , and a free clothes closet . When I filled out a volunteer application their director , Ashley , contacted me almost immediately to tell me that she loved the idea of Project Advent , and would love if I came out to help with their clothes closet today . In 1984 - 85 , I was actually bussed to this school , back when it was Posey Elementary . Pulling up to the building and walking in was a real flashback . I found Ashley , and she showed me to the room where the clothes closet is . There were only a few folks getting things that they needed , and other volunteers were taking care of that . In the next room , though , was a huge mound of coats . The staff needed these coats separated out into size and gender , so that 's what I spent the next hour doing . As I sorted coats , one thought stood out to me , and it was this : women , why do you settle for the crazy confusion that is sizing of women 's clothes ? Sorting the men 's coats was incredibly easy : S , M , L , XL . Done . Women 's ? 8 , 10 , 12 , 14 , but then sometimes one of them says Petite , but then sometimes one has a number that 's smaller than the number on another coat but it 's actually bigger than the other coat because there 's also a letter next to the number . Craziness . Affirmation project : Laura Blevins , you have been my friend through thick and thin for over a decade now . You are so selfless , and you see things about me before I see them myself . You make me face hard truths in a loving way . You 're a rockstar of a mom . Thanks for everything . ( Also , I do still plan to collect that shipment of cookies that I bought during your bake sale someday . ) Like I mentioned last Sunday , our Sundays stay pretty busy . Last year , I used my contributions as emergency service replacements , but felt a little guilty about them . This year , I purposely planned them for my Sundays , and set my mind at ease . I want this project to be about cheerful service , not stressful service . A few weeks ago , I received something in the mail from Lubbock 's Meals on Wheels , asking for contributions for holiday meals . Everybody is familiar with Meals on Wheels , right ? It 's a program for homebound or challenged people , many of them elderly , to receive hot , nutritious meals delivered right to their homes . Along with the food , the recipients also have somebody checking on them , talking with them , breaking the isolation that so many in that situation experience . The Lubbock Meals on Wheels program has been delivering meals for over 40 years , and is entirely funded by community donations . What was neat about the mailing they sent is that it had a special placemat that you could add your own message to and send in along with your donation , and then the placemat will be delivered to one of the meal recipients . Instead of writing something on it myself , I thought it would be fun to let the kids color it and add their own messages . When I told them what it was for , they loved the idea , and really treated it like something special . I had such a good time watching them make the placemat , that when they asked me if we could go swimming afterwards , I couldn 't say no , even though it was only about 40 degrees outside . Swimming ended up being a blast , though . There were two people swimming laps in the lap lanes , but we had the entire pool to ourselves aside from them . Jack was especially thrilled ; he jumped off the side of the pool into my arms , and then put his face about an inch from mine and beamed , " I ' M HAVING THE BEST DAY , DADDY ! " He was right : it was a really nice day . Affirmation Project : If the phrase that I used in the first paragraph , " cheerful service , " means anything special to you , then you may also be a member of the Order of the Arrow . If I made a list of the five most influential things in my life , Boy Scouts would easily , easily make it on that list . I was a pretty bookish , solitary kid , and I didn 't even want to join Scouts when my dad made me . It turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me . Scouts made me into the person I am today . It taught me to work with my peers , and to develop leadership not only in myself , but also to help develop it in others . It instilled in me a love of the outdoors and of trying new things . And , you know , it was just a lot of fun . Mr . James Harris , my Scoutmaster , shaped my life and the lives of so many others . Doing a project like Project Advent only occurred to me at all because of the brotherhood of cheerful service that I was fortunate to be a part of . Man , another busy day here , but a good one . Blake 's cub scout pack put out fliers during their Monday meeting for the annual Scouting for Food canned food drive . I took him back through the neighborhood that he papered on Monday , and we picked up the sacks of food that people had left out . Actually , about the first half of the neighborhood hadn 't left out any sacks , and Blake grew more and more incensed as we walked down the street : " Daddy ! Do people not know that there are other people who are hungry ? ! ? " Fortunately , the second half of the neighborhood was much more productive , and he was much more happy . That thing in his left hand is a paper Chinese fan . I wondered why he had picked it up on a morning when it was forty degrees outside , but soon figured out that he planned to use it to signal me while I drove . He had this whole little set of movements to tell me whether I should slow down , speed up , or stop . It was like watching one of those dudes on the runway of an airport , only more adorable . After the store and a little lunch , I took Blake with me to the Science Spectrum , Lubbock 's top - notch children 's science museum . My kids are big fans of the Science Spectrum ; we 've had a membership for the last few years , and they never , ever get tired of going there . To tell the truth , I almost never do , either . Today was their Holiday Wonderland event , which was open to the public . It 's a neat mix of fun crafts and activities , as well as some winter - related science projects . Blake and I were asked to man a table where children could make reindeer or penguin sack puppets . It was fun ! He got a little restless , though . Right behind us , there was a projector set up playing videos of Christmas music , and kids would come by and dance . I don 't know where Blake gets it , because it 's sure not from me and Courtney , but he 's got some seriously impressive moves . How good ? Good enough that these two girls asked if I 'd take their picture with him . Affirmation Project : My manager Randy is also a dad , of two kids close to my kids ' age . Maybe that 's why he 's always so understanding when I need a little flexibility to do something with my family . He 's patient and encouraging to me , and makes Vista Bank a better place to work . Email This
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I know that I keep coming back to the events in Newtown on December 14th . It 's been really prominent in my thoughts . Certainly , when we started Advent , none of us anticipated something so awful happening . None of us expected to arrive at Christmas in the shadow of not just that event , but another mass shooting which occurred yesterday . Another ! All of us have struggled to cling to our joy . I 've been trying to find some kind of perspective to help me around it , but there just is no perspective where things like this make sense . Instead , I 've had to turn my focus within . Let me share one of my very favorite passages of scripture with you . It 's from the twenty - fifth chapter of the Gospel of Matthew . 37 " Then the righteous will answer him , ' Lord , when did we see you hungry and feed you , or thirsty and give you something to drink ? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in , or needing clothes and clothe you ? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you ? ' It is a sad truth that the smallest and most helpless members of our society are the ones who bear a disproportionate share of the brunt of society 's worst tendencies . But that doesn 't mean you and I can 't try to help . We can work together ( and it doesn 't even have to be that much work ! ) and do whatever we can for the least of these brothers and sisters . When we do , it 's just like we 're doing it for Him . There 's your joy . As good as the anticipation and expectation of Advent are , they 're still looking towards a defined end . Anticipate bigger . Expect eternity . Love each other . I can 't claim to be a perfectionist ( a frustrated perfectionist , maybe ) , but I would definitely say that I live my life beholden to the schedules and timetables that I set for myself . I don 't know when I became that way , but my poor wife can tell you that it 's definitely been for as long as we 've been together . The easiest way to see me at my worst is to knock me off schedule . As your Jewish grandmother always says , though , " Man plans , God laughs . " It doesn 't matter if I wake my family 3 hours before church or 30 minutes : we 'll be walking in to service about 10 minutes late . Life with a family has made me learn the value of flexibility . I had hoped to have today 's service completed by today , and have it ready to announce , but it was just too involved a task for me to complete in an hour , or even in the week or so that I 've been working on it . Let me tell you why I 'm OK with it being in progress . What is Advent ? As I mentioned at the beginning of the project , it 's a time of preparation . Advent is the journey to Christmas Day . I 've only begun today 's project , but it 's the first part of a journey . My children have made me an entirely different person than I was eight years ago . I think I 've always been a pretty emotionally open person , but having children took things that were always there and brought them right up to the surface all the time . I 'm watching It 's a Wonderful Life right now as I type this , and when it showed the scene where George Bailey runs back into his home and embraces his children after his vision of the world without him , I got choked up . If you ask me what my proudest accomplishment is , I will tell you that it is fatherhood . That 's why I haven 't been able to stop thinking about the parents of Newtown , CT for the last week and a half . I think about the sounds that will fill my home tomorrow morning , sounds which will be absent from so many homes in that town , and it just shatters my heart . The Wednesday after the shootings , I saw an interview with Frank Keating on CNN . He was governor of Oklahoma in 1995 , when the Oklahoma City bombing occurred , and they were asking him about his perspective on what lies ahead for Newtown . He noted that 17 years after the OKC incident , funds are still being used to put victims ' children through college , provide counseling to first responders and cover medical care for the severely injured . That made me start thinking about long term goals . So many people have reached out to Newtown already . If you go to IndieGogo and search for " Newtown , " it returns lots and lots of results . It 's encouraging to see people taking action . I considered just contributing to one of the existing fundraisers , but so many of them were so vague about their purpose : " to raise money for the victims . . . " I wanted to do something with a very specific aim . Here it is , and here is why it 's not entirely ready yet . I 've been working with an attorney friend to set up a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) nonprofit organization called the Newtown 2025 Fund . My goal is to establish a scholarship fund for the current kindergarten class of Sandy Hook Elementary School . For the next 12 years , it will be able to take in contributions and let them grow before being disbursed . The only two criteria it will have are that the recipients must be a member of the kindergarten class that is enrolled at Sandy Hook right now , and they must graduate ( from any high school ) in the spring of 2025 . I 've never done anything like this before , so I 'm figuring it out as I go , but my friend has been really helpful . I hope to be able to announce the successful formation of The Newtown 2025 Fund in early January , and to give you the chance to help me establish it , and to help spread the word about it . If you 're reading this right now , I won 't ask you to promise a contribution , but will you commit to help me tell others , and to pray for this project ? Affirmation Project : This may sound like a cop - out , but today I just want to send an affirmation to all of you . This month has been so full of friends who have contacted me to encourage me or to say that they have enjoyed following Project Advent . Christmas can bring with it such a tide of emotions - it 's a joyous time of year , but so many of us also contend with more difficult feelings , too . If you see this , just know that I am thankful for you . God made you wonderfully and fearfully . Thanks for being a friend . My friend Wyatt is a great guy . He 's a brilliant medical researcher , a great father , and a generous friend . He and his wife Enusha have one of the most romantic stories of courtship ever . She also works in medicine . When the two of them were married , they started a non - profit organization called The WE Fund to promote scientific solutions to societal problems . Affirmation Project : There 's a girl whose family goes to our church , and she occasionally works in the nursery . As I was walking down the hall to get the kids this morning , she got excited and said , " I never knew that you and Mrs . Lewis are brother and sister ! " My sister , Kristen , used to be a counselor at a junior high here in Lubbock , and is working her first year in a high school this year . This girl had seen a picture of my kids in Kristen 's office , and put things together when she asked about it . I 'm proud of you and the difference that you make in your students ' lives , Kristen . It makes me proud when they associate me with you ! You may remember a week and a half ago , I asked for your help with today 's project . My original goal was to find somebody who needed a number of household repairs and tasks done , and to help them out with that . It turns out that finding somebody for that was much harder than I had anticipated ! But earlier this week , my wife 's cousin Chad called me with a suggestion . Chad owns a few rental homes , and told me the story of Mr . and Mrs . Mullins , who live in one of them . They 're a retired couple on a fixed income , and he has battled with cancer for the last several years . They believed it to be in remission , but it has returned . Mrs . Mullins has some back trouble , which makes it difficult for her to do certain things around the home . Chad told me that they 've always kept the place really nice , and have always been fantastic tenants . The home is in good repair , but their health troubles have made certain cleaning tasks really difficult for them . The project took on a different direction . Instead of repairs , we 'd be doing cleaning . This morning , Chad and his daughter Halle met us at the Mullins ' home , both of us armed with cleaning supplies . A few minutes later , my friend Amy Johnston showed up with her three daughters ( and one of their boyfriends , too ! ) . The next hour and a half was a whirlwind of Swiffers , bleach wipes , magic erasers , mops , Windex , and dust cloths . Chad and Halle worked outside to tidy up the yard some . Amy and I focused on the kitchen , scrubbing down the cabinet fronts and counter tops . Blake and one of Amy 's daughters took turns on the Swiffer , while another of her girls cleaned the glass in the front door . Amy 's oldest daughter and her boyfriend cleaned the bathroom until it shone . And you know ? I really have to brag on all of our kids today . All of them just got out of school for the Christmas holiday yesterday , and they 've got their whole break ahead of them . It 's a Saturday morning . There 's a million things they could be doing , but instead of doing any of those things , they are with us in the home of somebody they don 't know , doing a great job of cleaning . I was so proud of them all , I thought I would burst . I was dusting the many family photos that hung in the Mullins ' living room , and Mr . Mullins came in and said , " Careful , now ! Those are my trophies . " And as he said it , he stopped to look at a picture of his grandkids and his whole face was covered with a smile . While we were wrapping up , Chad 's wife Heather arrived with a trunkload of groceries for the Mullins . We unloaded them and put them away , and Mr . Mullins told us that he had never had anybody do this much for him before . Chad thanked him for giving all of us the chance to bless him today . Affirmation Project : I was surrounded by so much generosity today . Chad , who set this up , and who has done other things to help the Mullins . Heather , who shopped for them . Amy and her kids , who gave their time to come and help us out . My friend Ann , who didn 't feel well enough to join us today , but who contributed a gift card for groceries . My mom , who overwhelmed me with an unexpected act of kindness . Thank you , everybody . Short and simple one today . We actually signed up to do this at the start of the school year , but each Friday a different parent brings snacks up to All Saints for the teacher 's lounge . Today was our turn . I made pigs in a blanket , and picked up fresh bagels from Einstein Brothers . It looked like they were a hit ! The rest of the day was really nice , too . Blake went home with a friend to play for the afternoon , so I got to have a daddy - daughter lunch date with Ava . I told her I 'd take her anyplace in Lubbock . She chose Chik Fil A . My friend Courtney got in touch with me after I worked at the Sick Children 's Clinic earlier this month . It turns out that she is now the full - time financial administrator for Second Baptist Church , the church that sponsors the clinic . She invited me last year to work an evening at Saint Benedict 's , because Second Baptist also does that every Thursday night , and she was getting in touch to renew the invitation for this year . They start serving the meal at 5 , which is when I get off of work . Fortunately , St . Ben 's is only about a quarter mile from my office , so I hopped in the car and booked it over there as quickly as I could . When I got there , the tables inside were already completely full , and most folks had already had a first serving of food . However , there were still seconds to be served , and a crowd of people waiting outside for seats to open up so that they could come in and eat . Last year , I waited tables , taking food out to people and picking up their plates when they were done , or bringing them more food if they wanted more . This year , I stood in the assembly line and helped make plates . The first two people put meatloaf and green beans on the plate , I added potatoes , Courtney topped them with gravy , and the last volunteer added bread . It was fun ! We caught up on the last year , talked about what 's been going on in our lives , and just enjoyed each other 's company . The hour passed quickly . I thought about how many of these projects have involved feeding hungry people . It makes me glad that there are places like this where people can get a meal . It makes me glum to think that in 2012 in America there are still so many people who need a meal . Tonight , though , I also thought of a scripture that I haven 't thought of in a long time , Hebrews 13 : 1 - 2 . Here 's what happened . I sat down in my chair last night at about 9 : 00 , ready to type this post . I put my laptop on top of my lap , and promptly fell asleep before I even opened it . I woke up six hours later with a crick in my neck and no blog entry written . The blog elves did not come and cobble it together for me this time . Anyway , yesterday was all about time spent with kids . It was my final visit to the All Saints Chess Club for 2012 . I didn 't get to see Blake this time . Every Wednesday , a group of second graders from All Saints goes to the Ronald McDonald House to help out there and bake cookies for the guests , and yesterday was one of his days to go . Still , there were about 10 kids who did come yesterday , so it was a pretty full house . The children started coming in a few at a time . Some set up boards while others just watched or visited . A boy named Ryan asked if I would play with him . A while back , I reached the decision that I wouldn 't ever take it easy on these kids , mostly because I 'm not good enough to take it easy on them . Still , after a few opening moves , it seemed like Ryan may have been struggling , so I pulled back a little . Kid hustled me . I spent the rest of the game watching him mop my pieces off of the board . But that 's not the real story of yesterday . The weathermen had all predicted severe winds yesterday , but it was still calm when I arrived at the school . At about 12 : 30 , though , one of the kids shouted " The storm is here ! " and then you could literally hear the exact moment when the wall of wind and dust slammed into the side of the school . I don 't think I 'm exaggerating when I say that it felt like the building actually moved a little bit . Besides Ryan , the rest of the kids just entirely lost interest in chess at that point , and went into full - on Crazytown mode . I 'm thinking that maybe in addition to other safety - related talks they 've probably received at school this week , their teachers may have taken the chance to review severe weather safety , too , because this crowd was ready to dive into the bunkers . I am not making this up : a few of them just started running laps around the library . One of them kept poking his head outside before coming back in to report , " It 's still so windy ! " Two boys took every book about weather that they could find off of the shelves , and started looking for information about dust storms . Sorry about that , Mrs . Gretzler . So , between moves with Ryan , who was getting increasingly impatient with waiting to beat me , I was making the rounds of the room , trying to introduce a little bit of calmness to things , assuring the children that everything was going to be OK , and not to listen to the first grader who insisted that a tornado was just outside . Here are all three of them pre - show . Ava was a sheep , and Blake and Jack were both shepherds . Also , look at the adorable little girl behind Jack ! That 's our friends Marcy and Clay 's daughter Addison . That look of concentration is him realizing that there is a microphone less than a foot away from his fa e . Luckily , he hasn 't reached the age yet where he 'd think to commandeer that mike for himself and say things into t . Instead , he decided to lean forward and rub the soft , spongy black microphone cover all up on his face , adding a nice rumble and screech of feedback to the program at random interva s . I was laughing too hard to record t . I only got th The very first words out of his mouth when we went to get him after the program : " Did you see me put my face on the thing , Daddy ? " He was so proud . I was , too . I mean , they 're my kids . Of course I 'm proud . But especially when one of them gets a laugh . Affirmation Project : Heather Griffis , FUMC 's children 's minister , I really don 't know how you do it . I 've watched you take control of a group of 30 kids , with nothing planned to do , and completely draw them into some game that you just made up on the spot . You are so good at making something wonderful out of something disorderly , and you do a great job of making our children feel like a part of the church family . OK , now on to today 's service . I had originally planned to return to the Sick Children 's Clinic , because I had such a wonderful experience there last time , and because they had doctor 's hours today . Unfortunately , the doctor 's hours started at 10 AM , and at the very end of the day yesterday , my manager scheduled a 10 AM meeting that I really needed to be at . I texted the folks in charge to apologize and let them know I wouldn 't be there . Luckily , God provides ! Because it 's Tuesday , I knew that Second Helpings was serving at my church , so I ran over there during my lunch break and helped serve food . So many of the friends I made during my visits last December were there again , just as they probably have been all year long . Today 's menu included beans , green beans , carrots , fried chicken , baked chicken with a sour cream sauce , salad , and dessert . My station was right beside the salad , where there were two large bowls of salsa , one red and one green , spooning it out to anybody who wanted some with their meal . I got to stand beside Nell , one of my favorite ladies , and visit with her , and the hour passed quickly . Affirmation Project : I 'm really grateful for the family I married into . Over the last year , Courtney 's cousin Chad has become a really treasured friend , and today he shared something with me , something very kind that he recently did for somebody in a position of need . Thank you for letting me know about that , and for the part that you 've agreed to play in Project Advent this weekend , Chad ! A Special Look What Danny Made ! Note : This is my 300th post ! It 's a landmark I 'm happy to have reached , and happy to have fall in the middle of Project Advent . Hurt : Although I 've made my email address available on my contact info page , I usually receive very few actual email messages from readers . Folks either leave a comment , put something on Facebook , or tell me what they think in person . This morning when I awoke and checked my email , I had a message from somebody whom I 've never met , telling me that I 'm a " commie faggot " for making a donation to the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence . I haven 't replied yet . I should probably just delete it . Joy : For my hour of service , I returned to The Bridge of Lubbock , where I sorted coats last week . Ashley , the director , had told me that I should come back to help with their annual community Christmas meal , which was today . I 'm so glad that I did . I 'm always a bad judge of numbers of people , but there had to have been several hundred people who were fed today , and the food looked fantastic . Christmas ham , mashed potatoes and gravy , green bean casserole , salad , and rolls , with a choice of several pies for dessert ! As people came in , they took a seat , and we would bring plates out to them , along with more food if they wished . It was a windy , dusty , unpleasant day outside , but as soon as people came in , you could just see the peace and camaraderie of the place overtake them . Everybody who attended was also given a coat and a Bible , and a new toy if they had children with them . There was a family who arrived later than most other folks ; I showed them to seats and brought them food , and then came back a while later to ask if there was anything else they needed . They had three boys , the oldest of whom must have been around five , and they asked if there were any toys left . Up to this point , I hadn 't really done anything with the toys , because I 'd been busy bringing food and then busing tables , but I went to check . There were exactly three toys left . Putting them into those boys ' hands felt as good as though I was handing them to my own three children . Pride : This is me with my friend Charlie . We go to the same church with his family , and he 's about Blake 's age . When he saw something about boys and girls who are cold , he wanted to do something about it , and asked his school if he could start a coat drive . They said he couldn 't , so he did it through our church instead . At The Bridge today , his coats made up a large part of what was given out . In fact , he was able to collect so many coats that not only did everybody who attended Christmas Lunch at The Bridge today receive one , he and his mom went to CASA when they left and gave away another 150 coats . I 'm so proud of you , Charlie . I 'm so amazed at your heart . Sorrow : I had the chance to see some old friends under very sad circumstances today . Dr . John Marx taught with my dad in Texas Tech 's department of chemistry for many years . I grew up alongside his son Sam and daughter Ruthie , and went to school with them . I was in the same Boy Scout troop with Sam and Dr . Marx . In many ways , he was a lot like my dad , a quiet , thoughtful , gentle , fiercely intelligent man who was never happier than when he could share his love of science and of the outdoors with the boys in the troop . He had what surely must have been one of the world 's largest private collections of science fiction , with over 80 , 000 volumes in his library . Every now and then , I would buy some from him , and he 'd throw in a few extra ones that I hadn 't asked for but that he thought I 'd like based on my purchases . His picks were usually better than mine . Last Thursday , Dr . Marx passed away . Sam , Ruthie , and Mrs . Marx : I am so sorry for your loss . I really thought the world of Dr . Marx . It does put a smile on my face , though , to think of him and my dad hanging out again . What are you feeling tonight ? There 's one week until Christmas Eve . Don 't let it be a frantic time , let it be a hopeful time . I know , easier said than done . I 'm working on it , too . Let 's work on it together . Affirmation Project : My friend Steve Moss posted a really encouraging video on my Facebook about service to others as the way to being a light in the darkness . It was something very touching at a time when I needed to see something like that . Steve , I 've known you for 25 years , through so many changes in both of our lives , but a constant through all of that time is that you have always been a true , loving supporter not only to me , but to so many others who have been in your orbit . First , to follow up on yesterday 's entry . At the end of today , after the kids had their baths and were in pajamas , I got them to help me make our goodie bags for the Hope Lodge . I told them what the stockings were for , and they didn 't even ask for any of the candy we were putting inside them . They were just so excited that they were getting to do something that would make people happy . It really , really blessed me . Now , for today 's project . My original plan today was to take the kids out to lunch and pay for a stranger 's meal . That 's something I 've always wanted to do , and have always thought would be fun . I 'm just not in a fun place yet , though . Every time I close my eyes , I see that little girl in the blue shirt , the one who was sobbing as the police led her class away from their school . I called an audible , and changed where the donation for today went . Today , I sent an hour of pay to the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence . It 's not a lot , but it 's at least something . Affirmation Project : One of the things that I have to do on Sundays is lead a weekly Bible study . This year I have a pretty small group , just myself and three people . Today , two of them couldn 't make it , so it was just me and Stephanie in class . Stephanie , today I just want to thank you for being in class , not just today , but always . You are so knowledgeable and passionate about the Bible , and having you in class has really made it a fun group to be with this year . One of the most amazing days I had during the first Project Advent was when I went and helped at the Hope Lodge . To refresh your memory , the Hope Lodge is a place where cancer patients and their caregivers and loved ones can stay if they have to travel for medical treatment . It is free of charge . The one in Lubbock is the first , and so far only , one in Texas . The rooms are comparable to what you would find in a really top - notch hotel , and there are lots of other amenities and conveniences that their guests have access to . My plan today , since it was a Saturday , was to work with the kids on something special for the Hope Lodge . There are about 20 - 25 guests there at any time , and we were going to make little care packages for them . I had a bunch of little stockings , and the plan was to fill them with some treats to make the day a little nicer for the guests of the Lodge , things like chocolate kisses , puzzle books , and other little fun things . I had all of the stuff ready to go , but then came The Event . The Event Which Required Attention . See , my job is in IT . Most of the time that just means I have to keep stuff plugged in and working well together , but every so often something bigger comes up , and today was one of those days . Anyway , I ended up spending about 12 hours at the office today working on The Event Which Required Attention . By the time I was done up there , I needed to get home with the kids , get them bathed and put them to bed . Affirmation Project : Courtney worked last night , and again tonight , so I needed somebody to be with the kids while I was working , so that she could sleep . My mom watched them this morning , but had something she needed to do this afternoon , so I called our favorite babysitter , Kerri . We first met Kerri almost 6 years ago , which I can 't even believe . At the time she was a Tech student , and now she 's a grad student ; we met her because she also works in our church nursery . All of our kids have been in her care at some point or other , and somewhere in there , she became our go - to gal when we needed somebody to babysit for us . She came over today to spend the afternoon with the children , and do you know what she did ? At the end of the afternoon , she wouldn 't let us pay her . Kerri , you 're so much more than a babysitter to us - you 're like another member of our family . Thank you . I 'm having a really hard time finding the motivation to type this today . You know why . I had today off , and I had the TV on while I was in the kitchen , getting some things ready for tonight 's project . I was cooking when the news came on . You know which news . Like every American , I am heartsick today . I 'm sure that in the weeks ahead , we 'll be finding out more about the reasons that today unfolded like it did . Right now , though . . . God . Oh God . My chest and stomach have been in a vise grip all day long , and I 'm just barely holding back the tears . And part of me thinks that maybe I 'll feel better for still writing this up and sharing it , but the bigger part just wonders what 's the point . What 's the point ? ! ? Here 's something I wrote at the conclusion of last year 's Project Advent : On days when I 'm not feeling as driven towards service , this is something I 've thought about to help stir me : these actions are like lighting a candle . But a day like today happens , and . . . what ? What does it matter if I spend an hour putting something good into the world when some maniac can put SO MUCH evil into the world in even less time ? And when it 's happened SO MANY times this year that I can 't even keep track of them all anymore ? And morons on Facebook ranting about how the answer to this epidemic is for even more of us to be armed , for teachers to carry guns to school , for you and I to carry guns to the movies or to work - for all of us to be prepared to kill our fellow man at a moment 's notice . Are you prepared to live like that ? To see every day as a potential opportunity to cowboy up and put a bullet into somebody ? I 'm not , and I never will be . But again , what does it matter ? If I sit here and type 100 , 000 words about this , I won 't have changed anything . Tonight , all of us are anguished . All of those precious children . . . I did do my service today , though , because I 've made that commitment . Today I wanted to do something special for my friend Brett . I 've known him for literally my entire life . Brett is about five years older than me , and we grew up down the street from each other . We used to play baseball in the cul de sac I lived on with all of the other kids from the neighborhood . Now he 's a fireman , and I asked him if I could bring dinner for the men at his station tonight . He happily said yes , and gave me details about how many guys would be on shift , and what time I should bring the food by . I made a big crockpot of chili ( which I also took some fixings along for : cheese , Fritos , sour cream , and jalapenos ) , a pan of cornbread , and a peach pie ( which was compliments of my mom . Thanks , Mom ! ) . When we got to the station , we were greeted by Brett 's sons , who were there spending the night with him . Brett and his crew were just getting back from a call , and they seemed really pleased to have something hot to come back to . Brett was really kind to my kids , and showed them around the whole station . Blake got comfy in the living area , and commandeered the remote to change the TV to Cartoon Network . " Want to come and see the fire truck , Blake ? " " Nah , I 'm good . " During the day today , I had lunch with my mom and then took her to see Argo . In the opening scenes , when it showed the Iranian Revolution , my mom said , " I remember this . You were too young , though . You were only four . " And she was right : I was alive when that happened , but I have absolutely no memory of it . I learned about it years later in history class . I picked up my children from school today , and they had no idea what had happened in Newtown , Connecticut today . I 'm glad of that . But I think they still sensed the sadness in me . So , you know , I did what I could . I took them to dinner at one of our favorite places , the Holly Hop , where we had hot dogs and ice cream , and even sat at the counter while songs played on the jukebox . Jack had a little accident while we were there , and I was about to lose my temper with him , and that 's when a sweet grandma came in with her friends , smoothed Jack 's hair with one hand , and told me I had beautiful children . " Treasure them , because they just grow so fast , and you just never know . . . " She squeezed my hand and went to place her order . You just never know . But you can buy them some ice cream , and tuck them in at night , and then cry about things that you pray they 'll never know . Affirmation Project : Another longtime friend , Geoff Hearn , completed nursing school today ! He and I used to be in Boy Scouts together , and his dad was like my second dad . I 'm really proud of you , Geoff . Congratulations . On Saturday , 12 / 22 , I want to form a service strikeforce of anybody who wants to be a part of it , and I want to go knock out a year 's worth of tasks in a single morning . For this to happen , here 's what I need : A Suggested Recipient : Ideally , I 'd like for us to go and assist somebody who really needs the help . Somebody elderly or infirm , somebody who has a hard time doing for themselves . If you know of somebody in Lubbock who could use a hand with some household tasks , maintenance , or repairs , please contact me , either through a comment on this entry or at dannyholwerda @ yahoo . com . Can you help me with either of these ? I 'm still amazed at the outpouring of love that my friends showed last year . Amaze me again this year ! Let 's make the weekend before Christmas a time when we give somebody a truly fantastic gift . Email This Today I wanted to help an organization that I see literally almost every single day . I work in downtown Lubbock , and a little over a year ago I noticed their office directly across the street from my own office . Here 's a picture to help you visualize it . The Innocence Project of Texas is a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) non - profit organization dedicated to securing the release of those wrongfully convicted of crimes in Texas and educating the public about the causes and effects of wrongful convictions . We operate out of our organizational headquarters located in Lubbock , Texas , but we evaluate claims of innocence made by individuals convicted of crimes across the state . On average , we receive more than 150 letters each week from individuals requesting our assistance on innocence cases . We currently have more than 500 cases in line for investigation . I stopped in at their office a few weeks ago , and visited with Nick Vilbas , the executive director . He told me some more about the Project and the kind of help they need . Before IPOT will agree to help with a case , there are a few criteria they look for . It must be a state , not federal , case . The individual must have exhausted their direct appeals . There must be some new piece of evidence that needs consideration . Most importantly , the individual must claim actual innocence . In other words , they must not have been involved in any fashion with the crime they are accused of , not just petitioning for release on a technicality . Because of the huge volume of requests that IPOT receives , the biggest limiting factor they have is just getting enough people to put eyes on all of those letters . One of IPOT 's biggest cases so far was the exoneration of Timothy Cole . Because this involved a case that happened here in Lubbock , it was in the local news a lot . Mr . Cole died in prison while serving time for a rape which he did not commit , and which he was cleared of posthumously through DNA evidence and a confession from the man who actually committed the crime . Because I 'm not a lawyer , or even law student , I 'm not really qualified to do most of the work that they need done , but there 's one thing that 15 years of office life have prepared me to do , and that 's filing documents . When I crossed the street today , Jennifer the intern explained their filing system to me , showed me a cart full of letters and case documents , and set me loose on the cabinets . I finished the stack just as I finished the hour . Today was the halfway point of Project Advent II ! Less than two weeks now until Christmas . Are you enjoying the anticipation , the expectation , and the preparation ? Are you finding a way to make Advent mean something ? Today was also the second of my three scheduled visits to the All Saints chess club . It was a pretty small group today , but that was OK . It just meant that I got to play more with the kids who were there . Like I mentioned last week , I 've noticed that some of the kids are struggling with the fundamentals of the game , so I picked up something extra when I was shopping for yesterday 's entry . Today was BIZ - ZAY . Courtney worked last night , so I got the kiddos all dressed and off to school this morning . Then there were a few fires to put out at the office , followed by our office Christmas party at lunch time . Our office parties are usually a good time , and there was fajitas to eat ( and a cake that my coworker Earlene , the amazing baker , made ) , so I didn 't want to miss that . That ruled out lunch time for service today . Came home , had dinner with the family , and then went up to church for a two hour church council / charge conference meeting . And just like that , the day was pretty much gone ! But as I walked out of church tonight , I realized what a rare circumstance I was in . I was out on my own , with no children , and Courtney was home with them . I called her and asked if I could go out to do a little Christmas shopping for the kids . I think she was relieved at the thought of not having to do it herself , so she instantly said yes . I ran back into the church and grabbed a card from the angel tree that they had set up . Here 's the one I took : As you can see , there 's no identifying information , just an age and sex , a number to connect it to the child who made the wish list , and then the items on the list . But I picked this one because I felt like I knew this boy . He likes trains , bikes , animals , scooters , and gadgets : if he was just two years older , this kid could be Blake . We couldn 't do every single thing on the list , but here 's part of what he 'll be getting . Affirmation Project : I had the chance to sit by the newest pastor on FUMC 's staff tonight , Rev . Bailey Barkley . He 's been with our church a fairly short time , just about six months , but he 's done so much already . When Blake made his first trip to church camp this summer , Bailey was the counselor who stayed in his cabin , and Blake came back full of stories about the cool new pastor . He 's been a big part of starting some new ministries that have really taken off . Most of all , he 's just a really good guy . I 'm looking forward to the chance to know him better . I just sat down to type and ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half . Oops . Going to keep this one a little bit shorter than usual . The Bridge is a multi - pronged outreach center , located in a building that used to be an elementary school . They offer hot meals , an after - school program , a children 's health clinic , and a free clothes closet . When I filled out a volunteer application their director , Ashley , contacted me almost immediately to tell me that she loved the idea of Project Advent , and would love if I came out to help with their clothes closet today . In 1984 - 85 , I was actually bussed to this school , back when it was Posey Elementary . Pulling up to the building and walking in was a real flashback . I found Ashley , and she showed me to the room where the clothes closet is . There were only a few folks getting things that they needed , and other volunteers were taking care of that . In the next room , though , was a huge mound of coats . The staff needed these coats separated out into size and gender , so that 's what I spent the next hour doing . As I sorted coats , one thought stood out to me , and it was this : women , why do you settle for the crazy confusion that is sizing of women 's clothes ? Sorting the men 's coats was incredibly easy : S , M , L , XL . Done . Women 's ? 8 , 10 , 12 , 14 , but then sometimes one of them says Petite , but then sometimes one has a number that 's smaller than the number on another coat but it 's actually bigger than the other coat because there 's also a letter next to the number . Craziness . Affirmation project : Laura Blevins , you have been my friend through thick and thin for over a decade now . You are so selfless , and you see things about me before I see them myself . You make me face hard truths in a loving way . You 're a rockstar of a mom . Thanks for everything . ( Also , I do still plan to collect that shipment of cookies that I bought during your bake sale someday . ) Like I mentioned last Sunday , our Sundays stay pretty busy . Last year , I used my contributions as emergency service replacements , but felt a little guilty about them . This year , I purposely planned them for my Sundays , and set my mind at ease . I want this project to be about cheerful service , not stressful service . A few weeks ago , I received something in the mail from Lubbock 's Meals on Wheels , asking for contributions for holiday meals . Everybody is familiar with Meals on Wheels , right ? It 's a program for homebound or challenged people , many of them elderly , to receive hot , nutritious meals delivered right to their homes . Along with the food , the recipients also have somebody checking on them , talking with them , breaking the isolation that so many in that situation experience . The Lubbock Meals on Wheels program has been delivering meals for over 40 years , and is entirely funded by community donations . What was neat about the mailing they sent is that it had a special placemat that you could add your own message to and send in along with your donation , and then the placemat will be delivered to one of the meal recipients . Instead of writing something on it myself , I thought it would be fun to let the kids color it and add their own messages . When I told them what it was for , they loved the idea , and really treated it like something special . I had such a good time watching them make the placemat , that when they asked me if we could go swimming afterwards , I couldn 't say no , even though it was only about 40 degrees outside . Swimming ended up being a blast , though . There were two people swimming laps in the lap lanes , but we had the entire pool to ourselves aside from them . Jack was especially thrilled ; he jumped off the side of the pool into my arms , and then put his face about an inch from mine and beamed , " I ' M HAVING THE BEST DAY , DADDY ! " He was right : it was a really nice day . Affirmation Project : If the phrase that I used in the first paragraph , " cheerful service , " means anything special to you , then you may also be a member of the Order of the Arrow . If I made a list of the five most influential things in my life , Boy Scouts would easily , easily make it on that list . I was a pretty bookish , solitary kid , and I didn 't even want to join Scouts when my dad made me . It turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me . Scouts made me into the person I am today . It taught me to work with my peers , and to develop leadership not only in myself , but also to help develop it in others . It instilled in me a love of the outdoors and of trying new things . And , you know , it was just a lot of fun . Mr . James Harris , my Scoutmaster , shaped my life and the lives of so many others . Doing a project like Project Advent only occurred to me at all because of the brotherhood of cheerful service that I was fortunate to be a part of . Man , another busy day here , but a good one . Blake 's cub scout pack put out fliers during their Monday meeting for the annual Scouting for Food canned food drive . I took him back through the neighborhood that he papered on Monday , and we picked up the sacks of food that people had left out . Actually , about the first half of the neighborhood hadn 't left out any sacks , and Blake grew more and more incensed as we walked down the street : " Daddy ! Do people not know that there are other people who are hungry ? ! ? " Fortunately , the second half of the neighborhood was much more productive , and he was much more happy . That thing in his left hand is a paper Chinese fan . I wondered why he had picked it up on a morning when it was forty degrees outside , but soon figured out that he planned to use it to signal me while I drove . He had this whole little set of movements to tell me whether I should slow down , speed up , or stop . It was like watching one of those dudes on the runway of an airport , only more adorable . After the store and a little lunch , I took Blake with me to the Science Spectrum , Lubbock 's top - notch children 's science museum . My kids are big fans of the Science Spectrum ; we 've had a membership for the last few years , and they never , ever get tired of going there . To tell the truth , I almost never do , either . Today was their Holiday Wonderland event , which was open to the public . It 's a neat mix of fun crafts and activities , as well as some winter - related science projects . Blake and I were asked to man a table where children could make reindeer or penguin sack puppets . It was fun ! He got a little restless , though . Right behind us , there was a projector set up playing videos of Christmas music , and kids would come by and dance . I don 't know where Blake gets it , because it 's sure not from me and Courtney , but he 's got some seriously impressive moves . How good ? Good enough that these two girls asked if I 'd take their picture with him . Affirmation Project : My manager Randy is also a dad , of two kids close to my kids ' age . Maybe that 's why he 's always so understanding when I need a little flexibility to do something with my family . He 's patient and encouraging to me , and makes Vista Bank a better place to work . Email This
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We began by crossing a long bridge across the Ocoee River with ACDC 's Thunderstruck blaring through the speakers . That was the perfect way to start the race . I made sure to start out very conservatively and to keep myself from getting caught up in the adrenaline at the start . The trail immediately started a climb , which was indicative of what would be upcoming all day . I felt very good for the first 5 miles and ran with a college buddy , Paddy Flanagan , for this stretch . It did begin to hail on us a couple of times in the first stretch . This made it actually kind of cold for a bit , but other than that , the weather was perfect for the start . Any more would have been too much . I came into the first aid station at Thunder Rock ( mile 5 ) and had a quick refill before heading back out onto the trail . I believe we were on the Benton McKaye for the next stretch . Again , this was a significant climb . I think it was after this climb that I decided to go ahead and push ahead for a bit . I met some interesting people along the way . I ran with a 17 year old girl for a bit , and she said it was her 4th attempt at a 100 . It was fun talking to her , and I tried to give her some advice I wish I would have heard when I was her age . She was far ahead of her years . We reached the top of this climbing section probably somewhere around 15 miles in . There was an aid station here with some boy scouts who were playing . ( I ran with a guy later who said one of the scouts hit him with a rock ) . We had some muddy downhill for quite a while . I consider myself a strong downhill runner , and I really hit this section hard . It was downhill most of the way to mile 25 , so I was able to pick back up on some of the time I lost on the climbing coming into 25 where I again met my crew . I rolled in there close to 4 : 30 pm I think . Just looking at the numbers , this was 1 . 5 hours ahead of 24 hour pace ; however , they had taken into account inclines and things at various stretches , so the actual cutoff was at 6 : 00pm I think . Apparently , I was only 1 . 5 hours ahea25 - 50 ( Reliance to Servilla ) After Reliance , we ran across a bridge that crossed the Hiwassee . I saw Dawson Wheeler in a golf cart who commented on my Hokas . We ran east for a while following the Ocoee . We started off on a trail that was somewhat technical , and it eventually opened up onto the pavement for a long stretch . It was beating me up quite a bit , and I was really glad to come into the next aid station ( Powerhouse at mile 32 I believe ) . The workers made sure we all had our headlamps . I didn 't stop long and headed out for the next stretch . This was the most difficult part of the whole course from what I can remember . There were two very steep technical climbs through this section . I bonked pretty hard for a while on these . I simply couldn 't keep my heart rate down because of how steep the climbs and switchbacks were . Then , the trail would take a steep descent , but it would be too technical for me to make up any time on it . The only thing I could do was to keep moving forward . As I topped the second climb , some guys were walking back onto the trail from a small trail outcrop that was at an overlook . They told me to make sure to take the time to look at it . I was glad I did . I took a few minutes to sit down and to remember why I do trail running . I 'm not sure how high the cliff I had been climbing was , but it had a beautiful overlook of the Hiwassee cutting through the gorge . To the right , the sun was starting to set . I took a picture , but it didn 't capture it ( as most pictures usually don 't ) . I said a prayer of thanks to God for allowing me the ability to do this run and to see the things I saw , and then I began pressing on . My anti - bonk was short - lived as I began to descend steeply and technically back into the gorge . At the bottom of the gorge , I heard a couple of voices behind me . I was about to cross a stream when I heard one of them curse behind me . I turned around to see someone fall off a large rock into the creek . I started freaking out telling them what I saw . They started freaking out looking for the guy around the rock . We couldn 't find him anywhere . This was my first hallucination of the day . The trail began climbing again for a very long time until it finally opened up to the aid station at Coker Falls . I looked around for my crew , but the aid station workers said all of the crews were at the top of a hill . I went ahead and filled my bottles to save some time once I saw my crew . The sun had just set ( right on 24 hour pace ) , but I had just enough light to get me to the top of the steep hill on the beginning of gravel road . It was roughly a half mile from the aid station to the top of this hill . I was happy to see my crew , and I let them know how hard that stretch was . They said I actually looked like I was in better spirits than most of the people who came out of that part . I think I stayed there about 8 minutes or so before getting up to head off into the night . Almost all of the night running was on gravel road . I met up with a guy named Benj . I ran with him almost the whole way to Servilla ( from 40 - 50 ) . We talked for a long time . He was a very cool guy . I think he said he was 25 ( or about to turn 25 … his birthday was on Sunday after the race . Happy birthday Benj ) . He began pushing on ahead right before we got to Servilla . This is where I picked up my safety runner , Alex . It was nice having a little bit of company after being out in the woods and not knowing anyone . There wasn 't really a whole lot that happened between Servilla and the first stop at Iron Gap ( mile 55 I think ) . There were some stretches of very steep climbing , from 50 - 75 . I really enjoyed getting to the Pistol Ultra aid station at Bullet Creek . I don 't remember the exact mileage , but it was probably close to 61 or 62 . Those guys know how to do an aid station . They had all kinds of crazy food . They had heaters blaring . There were Christmas lights everywhere . It was just awesome . It was a good way to wake up in the middle of the night . Alex 's wife , Cherri , was there to take care of everything we needed . I was wondering where my wife , Melissa was , and Cherri told me the roads had made her sick . I found out the next morning , that she had been very , very sick . I 'm glad I didn 't know how sick at the time . It would have been a difficult mental barrier to cross . After getting out of the aid station , we started a pretty major climb . The Pistol Ultra guys had signs on the side of the road with quotes of encouragement , funny one - liners , and things like that to keep the runners ' minds occupied as we climbed this " Heartbreak Hill " as the signs called it . Those signs helped a lot . Did I mention the Pistol Ultra guys know how to do it ? ( Their ultra is in January . I did it last year , and it was a lot of fun if you don 't mind running on some pavement ) . We were going to meet our crew again at the next aid station at mile 68 , and Alex was going to jump out to take a break before starting to run with me again after the river crossing . That plan disappeared quickly when the crew wasn 't at the next station . It turned out they couldn 't find the station . Alex , by the grace of God , was able to get in touch with Cherri by phone ( This was pretty much the only time he had cell phone service , and she just happened to have service at that exact moment , too ) . He told her to meet us at the river . This locked him into running more than 50k before he would even have the option of stepping out of his safety runner duties because there was no crew access at Iron Gap ( the next aid station ) . This was a very long 7 mile stretch . Again , it started on gravel road for a long time . Then , it went to single track for a while . This is where the sun started coming up for me . That was pretty cool . We could see Etowah ( at least I think it was Etowah ) off to the right side of the mountain as we ran . All the lights were on down there , and the light of the sun was just enough that we could see the structures of the city . It was pretty cool . After the single track , we got back onto a gravel road we had already run earlier . It was the stem of a lollipop section of the course . After finishing this stem , we arrived back at Iron Gap for the second time . I really had fun goofing off with the workers there . I was in very good spirits , and their positive attitudes helped bring me up even further . We started down the 8 mile horse trail to the river . This was mostly descending . There were some ups in it as well , but it kept steadily getting lower and lower . Alex and I got to see the view at the horse hitch on the left side of the trail as we headed south . The air was foggy down low , so it made for a pretty cool view of the mountains to our east . This was at roughly mile 78 . We continued to move forward toward the river . This was a very long stretch . Every turn seemed like it should be the turn before we got to the campground , but we just kept going . Eventually , we saw our wives walking up the trail towards us . They were really a sight to see . It was also good to see Melissa feeling good again . Because they missed us at one of the aid stations , they were able to get to the river a little earlier to get some sleep . We slowly made our way to their car , and I laid down in the back for about 15 minutes while they refilled all of my gear . I didn 't go to sleep , but it sure felt good to get off my legs for a while . I tried to get a little trot going on the way to the river crossing , but my legs barely worked . My parents were there to see me off across the river , too . It was cool to get some extra encouragement . It felt so good to put my legs in that water . It really did ice them , and they felt almost fresh once I hit the other side . I quickly got some grub at the next aid station ( Quinn Springs , mile 83 ) , and then I started the 2 , 200 foot climb over 3 . 9 miles up Oswald Dome . This climb was on my mind the entire time I had been running . I couldn 't help but ask myself the entire race , " What is it going to feel like to climb that after 83 miles ? " Honestly , the climb wasn 't as bad as I had thought it would be . I 'm not saying it was easy , but the thought of doing it on tired legs was much more difficult than the reality of actually doing it . The hardest part of this stretch was that it started to rain on me . It was probably about 50 degrees if that at the time . I started shivering uncontrollably . Alex was still running with me , and he actually took his shirt off to give it to me . I said no at first , but he said , " It 's already off . " It helped a lot , but I was still cold . Once we got close to the top , I asked him to run ahead and to tell the people at the aid station that I was really cold and had to find a way to warm up . A guy met me before I got to the station , and he led me to a truck . The heat was blazing in the truck , and they had really warm blankets as well . They also gave me a blazing cup of Ramen . It all really hit the spot . The next stretch was about 7 miles , and I honestly think I would have been in big trouble if I wouldn 't have been able to recharge my batteries at that point . I gave myself 8 minutes to get warm , and then I got back out into the cold . Immediately , I felt cold again , but I pushed forward anyway . Alex and I moved pretty quickly for a long time . It was a steady downhill stretch for several miles on more gravel road . The sky started to clear some , and the sun started coming out helping me out significantly . We got to the final aid station at McCamy Lake ( mile 93 ) . My wife was waiting to jump in with me , and Alex got to jump out . That joker ran with me for about 43 miles after doing basically no training . He is sort of a freak of nature . I had heard that this next section of trail was all downhill and was very technical . At first , it was very smooth , and there were little tiny stretches that had some rocks . I thought to myself , " Is this what they were referring to as technical ? " It was perfect . That all changed after a while . We got onto some single track that just kept going up and down , up and down . There were stream crossings and rocks galore . At one point , we climbed up a large hill , and the trail had jagged rocks that made each step a chance of rolling an ankle . On top of that , to the left was a steep cliff . One wrong step , and it could have been a game ender . I intentionally took my good sweet time through this part . I was not risking losing the completion this close to being finished . I had plenty of time in the bank , so I just made it worth it . Finally , I saw a man up ahead standing by a sign , and I knew I was close . Wait ! There wasn 't a man by a sign . I looked harder and harder , but he just wasn 't there . This was my second hallucination . Of course , I eventually started hearing voices up ahead , and I knew I was at the end . I came down a hill and banked to the left to cross the line to see my parents and Alex and Cherri there waiting on me . What a course ! Going into this race , I had to make sure to prepare myself mentally . I attempted Pinhoti , and things just didn 't click for me there . My stomach went sour early on at Pinhoti , and I battled that up until around mile 70 before I felt it was getting dangerous to continue . I was afraid I would get stuck on that stretch , and a search party would have to come in after me . I figured out what worked for me nutritionally between Pinhoti and Thunder Rock , and I had absolutely zero vomiting issues this go around thanks to Tailwind Nutrition . If you haven 't heard of it , check it out . It is the real deal . In preparation for the mental barriers of the race , I wanted to know my " why " as to my motivation for finishing the race . Ultimately , I want my story to inspire others , not even necessarily with running . I am a counselor as a profession , and I work with teenagers with addictions . Many of them don 't even entertain the possibility of staying clean , and many of the ones that want to try don 't think it is even possible . They think they are bound by their circumstances , and because all of their families have been stuck in the cycles of addiction , they are destined to continue in the addictive cycles , too . I want my message to be this : If I , an average guy , can devote myself to finishing 100 miles , you , the reader , can do anything . You simply have to start telling yourself that you can . Then you can start figuring out how to make it possible . I 'm not telling you this will be easy , but it will be possible . You can do anything . This is the message I want my clients to receive from my finishing this race . I don 't really want any recognition other than others being inspired to do what they think is impossible . Posted on 24 May 2014 . Disclaimer : Race reports often times can seem arrogant and prideful in the accomplishments of the individual . While that may be the nature of the beast , I want you to understand that I am humbled by this accomplishment . I would not have been able to do any of it with out the grace of God , the love and encouragement of my wife , and the countless friends and family that have been there along the way . The purpose of this report is not only to tell you all about the training and running of my first 100 mile race , but to be informational and inspirational . Because who knows ? You may want to do one of these one day ! While you may not think you can do it , with the proper effort and support you can do great things when you have great help . It was January 16th and I had been sitting through a short course web conference class for the past 3 hours , but there was something else occupying my mind . Whether or not to sign up for an 100 mile race " in my own backyard . " As far as running has gone 2013 was not my best year . I began 2014 with the Pistol Ultras in Alcoa where I ran the lowest distance of a 50k . It was a wake up call that I was not in the best running shape and this 100 miler may be a pipe dream . I had watched the preview video for the Thunder Rock 100 several times , talked with my best friend about running it , and decided to pull the trigger . Then just like that , with a couple clicks of a computer mouse , I had committed myself to training for and running 100 miles . And so it begins … If you do a google search for a 100 mile training program you will find some . Most of them consist of several months of building up to a long weekend of back to back to back long runs . This type of long weekend simulates what it is like to run with tired legs . While that type of training may be ideal , the schedule of a busy life does not always allow for a 50 to 70 mile weekend of running . I grabbed a piece of paper and planned out what would be the next 16 weeks of my training . There was a half marathon that I wanted to do in February that I wanted to do well on too , so I threw that in the plan also . The training plan would build for three weeks and then have a week of lower mileage . I tried to make at least 50 % of my runs on local trails and sought to have 80 % of my runs to have some type of hill climbing . A lot of people avoid hills when starting to run , and I used to be one of those people . However if you are going to develop into a stronger runner , then you need to learn to love the climb . Hills not only make you stronger but they also make you faster , without doing the often monotonous speed training or track work . Through out the training I had the opportunity to do some long fun runs with my " training partner " Nathan Judd . Even though he lives on the other side of Tennessee , I ran more miles with him than anyone else . I usually train alone , but when I was in his town or he was in mine , we planned to do as many miles as possible . Two weeks before the race we even went to the Smokies for a Friday afternoon and Saturday putting in several miles and lots of climbing and descent . When the 16 weeks were up , I considered my training at least adequate to finish my first 100 . In February I ran 128 miles . In March I stepped it up to 235 miles . April became one of my longest months to date with 310 miles . And in May I had one weekend in the Smokies , then the taper to rest for the longest run of my life on May 16th . " Are you Ready ? " This seems to be the favorite question for people to ask someone attempting a long distance in a race , just like the favorite question to a pregnant woman is " How are you feeling ? " The reason may be that people do not know what else to ask . Whatever the case , I really did not know the answer to that question . How does one insure that they are " ready " to run 100 miles ? I knew I was as ready as I could be , but there were several things that I wasn 't sure how to be ready for . What would it be like to run 1 mile further than my current long of 50 miles , much less 50 miles more ? What would it be like to run through an entire night ? What would it be like to try to stay awake for over 30 hours ? What would my stomach do ? Would I have to try to use the restroom in the middle of the woods ? What if I twist my ankle ? What if I want to quit ? What if I don 't finish ? With those questions and more in mind , the day of the race approached . The Thunder Rock 100 is held on a Friday beginning at Noon and the race is cut off Saturday at 6pm . As a preacher , having a race start on Friday instead of Saturday was excellent . That meant I could run the race and not have to take a Sunday off from preaching , that is if I could survive to make it to worship on Sunday . This Friday start , also meant that the pre - race festivities were pushed to Thursday . That afternoon as tried to pack as much as possible for the next days adventure . I needed to have my clothes and gear ready to go . The race allows for drop bags to be placed at certain locations along the race route . I needed to pack these with the supplies that I would need later in the race . I choose to pack 3 drop bags , one for mile 25 , one for mile 54 / 75 and one for mile 83 after crossing the Hiawassee River . I also got my gear ready . I had recently bought an Ultimate Direction pack that I was going to use for the race . While it is usually a " no - no " to use a piece of gear that you have never trained with , I needed a pack to help me carry my water and other supplies that I might need in between aid stations . The night before the race I went to the packet pick up and pre - race meal at Elemental , a restaurant on the North Shore of Chattanooga . I was looking forward to meeting a group of online friends that were in the same enabling running club as I called Run It Fast . The food was interesting , called a Paleo bowl that I had grilled salmon added to , but it was not enough . The RD Randy Whorton talked about what the next day would bring and then the head medical Dr . spoke about all the dangers of running the race and some things to prepare for , one being the cold we were going to experience . Afterwards , because we were still hungry , Nathan and his wife , Melissa , Joshua Holmes and I went to Mellow Mushroom . It is always great to sit and listen to Josh give his sage advice when he is in town and hear of his amazing adventures . I got back home by 9 to finish packing and to get to bed early . Tomorrow was going to beThe Race Shirt and Buckle Friday 8 : 00am - 11 : 59am - I tried to sleep in as long as possible . The race didn 't start until noon and the cut off was 30 hours . So I was committed in my mind to being out there until then , so I wanted the rest . My family and I left the house by 9am , full packed for the fun filled day . We had to drop our daughter off at preschool first and then my wife and the boys were going to accompany me to the race start . The drive from Chattanooga to the Cherokee National Forest is only about an hour . I wanted to be there in plenty of time to drop my bags off and take care of some pre - race necessities . The race is set in the Cherokee National Forest . It is a very remote part of East TN in Polk County . However its remoteness is second to its beauty . The race start was at the Ocoee Whitewater Center that was built and used for the 1996 Olympics . The Ocoee is still heavily used by rafters and kayakers for it 's world class rapids . We were going to use the Center 's parking lot and the bridge to cross to the other side . After a brief thundershower , the RD called the racers to the start . Final hugs , goodbyes , and high - fives were given before the clock would strike 12 . AC / DC 's " Thunderstruck " blared over the loud speakers . 200 runners began to cross the Ocoee River by the Olympic Bridge . Perhaps we were all having some of the same thoughts , especially those of us who had never completed or even attempted an 100 miler before . I was thinking about the daunting task I had began , how that I could be on this course for the next 30 hours , how that it was going to be hard and difficult . However , I must keep a positive yet realistic mind . Endurance running is many times much more mental than physical . I had to keep my mind right the entire time . After crossing the bridge the the single track trail turned left to make the first ascent of the day . I started the race near the back of the pack . This has its positive and negative effects . Positively , it lets you start out slow . There is no reason to sprint the first miles of an 100 . It also can be motivating to move up the field by passing people . Negatively , it can be very frustrating not being able to run freely because there are so many people bottle necked on the trail . Trains of people develop on the trail . The head of the train is the person running the fastest in that group , the rest of the train is either happy to run behind the leader , or is striving to find a way to move up in the train to be the new leader or run up to the back of another train . I got caught in 3 trains during the first 6 miles , each progressively faster and less frustrating . The second train I came across had a familiar face in it . I saw Joshua Holmes , RIF # 1 , trying to fight through the train too . There is where I meet another runner Franklin and the three of us talked about what the day may have in hold for us . As a trio we moved through the second train and then through a third train , until it was just the three of us running on the single track making our way to the first aid station . The trail ended into the Thunder Rock campground and we turned right on to a bridge that would take us back over the Ocoee . I had been running for an hour and had drank half of each of my water bottles . So I filled one bottle with the other and then filled the empty one with new water . Once we started the next hike I would add my Tailwind to it . Leaving the aid station I got to see my family for the last time before heading into the woods again . Lukas was giving hi - fives , Linkoln was smiling , and Amber gave me a kiss as I passed by . I would not see her again until 10 : 30pm at mile 50 . The trio crossed Hwy 64 onto the trail . That would be the last road we would see until mile 25 . We were now on the Benton McKaye Trail for the next few miles . The BMT is actually a 300 mile trail that was named after the man that came up with the idea for the Appalachian Trail . As soon as we started the BMT we started another steep ascent . We would be at least gradually climbing for the next 8 miles until we reached the top of Brock Mountain and descended to the next aid station at Deep Gap . As we started to make the climb the sky opened up and with it came lighting , thunder , rain , and hail ! This storm would last for the next hour at least and at times would be heavy rain . This rain caused the trails to be in very sloppy conditions for the entire day . The three of us continued to pass people along the trail through the deep woods . Then I fell for the first time of the day . I tripped over a root or rock or something and landed on my right shoulder up against a fern covered embankment . I quickly popped back to my feet and began running again . Franklin was moving on and I wouldn 't see him again until Coker Falls at mile 40 . Josh was well ahead now too but I would see him again at the next aid station . Because I so quickly recovered from my fall , I did not do a full evaluation of my condition until I was down the trail another . 20 of a mile . That is when I realized I had cut my left pinky just a little bit and it was bleeding , it wasn 't a big deal . But I also realized , I had lost a water bottle out of my back … . that was a BIG DEAL . So I turned around and went back down the trail like a salmon going against the current of runners that I had just passed earlier . Thankfully I found it in the ferns just a short time later , to turn around again and fight a new train that had formed in front of me . The BMT runs through the Big Frog Wilderness Area for a short section before going to Brock Mountain , unfortunately any athletic event is prohibited in " Wilderness Areas . " So this meant there was a section that had beenPhoto by my personal race photographer Joshua Holmes The two of us ran to the top of Brock and then started our descent . With in no time we were at the 2nd Aid Station at Deep Gap ( mile 15 ) . This aid station was run by a boy scout or cub scout troop . I refilled both of my bottles and didn 't see anything appetizing to eat , but I did pull out a couple of peanut butter sandwiches to eat sometime between here and the next aid station 10 miles away . This section was some of the lushes and prettiest of the course . The trail was single track and steep in spots . It would have been more runnable if it wasn 't so wet and muddy . Thankfully the rain had stopped and would not start again till tomorrow at almost noon . Josh moved on ahead of me and I played leap frog with a couple guys who were from Vermont . One guy had long bushy hair , the other had long bushy beard but was bald … I guess together it all evened out . Also during this section is a trail along Lost Creek , this too was so beautiful . The wide creek running beside you and a canopy of trees above you , an amazing area save the sloppy trails that could suck the shoes off your feet . After Lost Creek there is a steep switch backing climb and descent into the Reliance , TN . I had run almost a full marathon . I had been on the trail for 5 hours , yet I was only 1 / 4 of the way done . Coming into the Reliance Aid Station , I first ran through a campground where a lot of crew groups were waiting for their runners . As I ran through them , there was lots of clapping and cowbells and cheers . It kind of got to me , about what I was trying to accomplish today . I refilled my bottles , and found my drop bag that I switched out with the bag I had in my pack and I started running again . Leaving Reliance , the next 7 miles were not my favorite . There was a lot of pavement involved and frankly I was getting tired . The course goes over the Hiawassee River and then follows a trail / road along the Hiawassee until it eventually dead ends into the Powerhouse Aid station . While on this section , there was one little part of trail that connected various parking lots for the river . I was behind a fellow for a while and then had just got in front of him when we came to one of these parking lots . There was one car parked there . An older couple along with a young girl about the age of 7 or so sitting on a picnic table . As I approached them the girl looked towards me and yelled , " Daddy ! " She jumped to her feet and ran past me to the man behind me and jumped into his arms . It was a sweet moment and made me think of my family . I wouldn 't see my little girl till Sunday , but I was looking forward to seeing Amber at the Coker Falls crew access , where we had planned to meet at 8 : 05pm . Once I got to the Powerhouse Aid station , I must have looked pretty tired . One of the volunteers there asked me a if I was okay … then about 30 seconds later she asked again . As I was filling my bottles and looking for some caffeine , she asked for the third time saying , " Are you sure you are okay ? This next section is tough . " I felt tired but I was ready for the next section , I had run this section on a training run a couple months earlier . I got past the TVA parking area and then on to a beautiful and technical single track trail that followed the water but also had two steep abrupt climbs and descents . During my training run I had gotten loss on this trail . I followed it to the point where I had lost the trail earlier and … . yep … . I lost the trail again . It leads down to the creek and then just stops . I pulled myself up to the bank and fought through some trees and undergrowth looking for a flag or a trail or a person . I decided I would go back towards the place where I lost it and wait for someone when I saw 4 other runnersLeaving Coker falls I climbed a large hill on a dirt road till I got to the crew access . I saw Melissa Judd and the rest of the Judd Crew , but I didn 't see Amer . Melissa said that she saw her and that she was parking the car . So Melissa went to go look for her while I sat down in a camp chair they had for Nathan . It was the first time I had sat down all race . I had run over 8hrs and 40 miles . The seat felt good but I didn 't need to be there long . I fixed my bag and put on my headlamp because it was getting dark . I wanted to get going but before that I wanted to find Amber . So I started walking up another hill where all the crew was parked . I started yelling , " Amber Pharr ! ! ! ! Amber Pharr ! ! ! " as I walked along the long row of parked crew vehicles . I never found her there and Melissa came back down the hill saying she couldn 't find her either . I was a little worried , but wouldn 't worry too much more unless I missed her at the next cress access at Servilla Church ( Mile 50 ) . The next 10 miles was going to be mostly car restricted dirt roads . The sky was clear and it got dark quickly . I had my headlamp that supposedly would last for 6 hours . I had a cheap back up too , but didn 't want to use it . So instead I would just run by the moon light when I could and only turn the lamp on steep downhills or at crossroads . My plan worked well and made the night an enjoyable game for this part . The moon was very bright and for one entire down hill section there was a big truck behind me with very bright lights . I used his light to guide my way for at least a mile down the hill . The roads eventually lead to the next aid station called Manning Cabin . I don 't know what its called that , I didn 't see a cabin , nor did I see Peyton Manning . This was the first aid station where I started to get cold . I had my bottles filled up and I had some hot cocoa and my first cup of coffee of the night . I am not a big coffee drinking . I usually have like one or maybe two cups a week . This night I would have about 10 little cups full . 10 : 31pm - 7 : 10 am Miles 50 - 82 The road from Servilla Church is dirt and ascends up to the Aid Station Iron Gap . This was a very strong section for me . Coming off of the high of seeing Amber I ran and power hiked hard all the way up . I ate some sandwiches along the way and passed several others . 4 miles later I got to Iron Gap . I filled the bottles and had some coffee . I grabbed my drop bag and took the running pullover and gloves out . I tied the pullover around my waist and put the gloves on my hands . I was so thankful for those gloves , and that I had packed the thicker gloves . Leaving Iron Gap is the stem of a lollipop section of the course . The climb continues till it goes down hill toward the next Aid Station called Bullet Creek . During this section I started playing a little game with myself . I would leave my head lamp off for all the ascents while I was walking and turn it on low for all the flat and down hill running . Something else that was motivating was using the head lamps of the other runners . I would look off into the dark horizon before me and see a flash of like or a dull glow in the distance . Then I would say to myself , I going to catch ' em . For the next however long it took I would work hard to catch up to that light . This little game caused me to work hard when I might have relax in the darkness . After catching a few lights , I saw a red blinking light ahead off the side of the dirt road . I could see it for ever and was curious to find out what it was . Once I got close enough and walked over to investigate it closer . It was a sign saying that the Pistol Ultra 's Aid Station at Bullet Creek was only a mile away ! That was an amazing sign of hope when I had been moving for 12 hours straight for 60 miles . Once I got to the Aid station it was like a Carnival ! There were lights , music , heaters , and all kinds of food ! I went straight for the Chocolate milk and m and m 's . I asked for some coffee and sat down for a minute to put on my jacket that had been around my waist . It was getting colder and I knew that once I left the heateAs soon as I left Bullet Creek , I started the shivers again , but warmed up as I started moving . This dirt road was all part of the " pop " of the lollipop and I was going to have to make two sizable climbs before getting to Starr Mountain at mile 65 . I continued to play the headlamp game and was looking forward to seeing Amber at the next aid station . I passed a few more people on this section and kept thinking that the headlamp in front of me would be Josh but it was always someone else . After about 5 miles I approached the Starr Mtn . aid station and Amber was there waiting in the van . She had fallen asleep on and off for a few hours so I was glad she was getting some rest . It was now 2 : 05 am , I was 10 mins early on my projected time . I sat down for a few minutes to get some coffee and have my bottles filled . I had a couple sandwiches since the last time she saw me and I put some in my pocket for the next section … a very long section . I would see Amber again in the morning before the River crossing . The next 10 miles seemed to never end . I was working my way back to Iron Gap and mile 75 . The dirt road was not that bad , but we then went to more of single / double track trail . The lights of Etowah off to the right were nice , but I was getting really tired . I hadn 't got passed much during the race , but I started getting passed by some people at this point , it was usually two at a time . Not because there was two racers that close together , but because of the allowed " safety runner " that was with the racer . I decided I needed to eat so I had some more peanut butter sandwiches . I was just so looking forward to the next aid station and to the sun coming up . I had been told by several people that the sun coming up will give me energy . If I could just make it till the sun came up I would feel better . The sunrise would wake me up . This is my goal , the sun rise … but the sun would not rise for a long time . It was during this down time that I started walking more of the flats . My plan had been to power hike the climbI had been looking forward to this next section in the race , because of my familiarity with it . During a training run Nathan and I had run up this trail , the Coffee Branch Trail and then back down . During the training run I tried to make as many mental notes as possible that I could use during the race . The trail is a horse trail that is wide and has some loose rocks on it . On our training run we flew down the descent at a steady pace . However in the wee hours of the morning and with the trail still sloppy from all the rain , there was not flying down anything . From Iron Gap to the River , it is pretty much all down hill … and for my me it was pretty much the same . This section that I had been looking forward to … stunk . It was miserable . I was past tired . I was sore . I was cold . I was impatient . Where was the sun ! The sun was supposed to give me energy . I needed some desperately right now . I splashed and slid down the trail and at one point I fell . I tripped or lost my footing and went face and chest first to the rocky ground below me . I don 't remember it hurting but I do remember my two water bottles flying out of my pack and rolling yards down the trail . I do remember how hard it was to pick them off the ground with out falling over again . More people passed me . Some looked " fresh " others seemed pretty miserable too , but no one was as miserable as I felt . Where was the sun ! ? I kept thinking I would be at the bottom of the trail at any moment but it just kept going down and I kept going down . I was so tired and so out of it , I had forgotten to do the one thing that could have helped me get back into it … drink ! I had left Iron Gap with two bottles full of Tailwind but not almost to the bottom of the trail and I had only had a few sips , stupid ! The sun finally started to rise around 6 : 30 am , but with it came no energy , instead came foggy eyes . It was the weirdest thing . It seemed as if I was wearing glasses and they had fogged up on the lower half . However , in reality my glasses had not fogged up , because I I got to Amber and the camp chair and sat down . I told her all about how my life currently sucked . Before the race I had told her one major bit of instructions , " Don 't let me quit . " Thankfully she didn 't even bring that option up . Even though I was sitting but 3 feet from our van that could take me home to a hot shower and a warm bed , quitting was not an option . This was a low … very low in the race , but it would get better . If I stuck with it , it would get better . Before the race in conversation with Josh via messages he told me , during a 100 miler you will have several highs and lows , the key is don 't let the highs seem too high and don 't let the lows get too low . I currently was fighting that too low part . I had some coke and cookies before walking towards the actual aid station about another half mile away . It was 7 : 10 am and people were cooking breakfast in the campground . During the walk was when I realized that I had stopped drinking . I downed the two bottles I had in my pack and then asked for more . I downed a third one shortly after that . I sat in the chair at the aid station while Nathan 's parents asked me some questions and asked me to pose for some pictures … I was not in the mood . From my chair I could see the Hiwassee River and Chilowee Mtn in front of me . They were basically the only two things keeping me from my finish . I switched in to some old running shoes that were going to get soaked , and I stood up making my way down into the ice cold Hiwassee . I had woken up the day before at about this time , and as I descended the rope into the water , I woke up again . The water was cold , slow moving and about mid thigh deep on me . It felt great in a way . The swelling I am sure I experienced over the last 80 + miles was being shocked by the ice bath type effect . About have way across the river , it hit me . I really need to go to the restroom . I had been running for over 19 hours and hadn 't had to # 2 once … and now I needed to , and quickly . Thankfully when I got to the other side of the river there were some latrines in the parking lot of the next aid station . I made my way to the boys side and it was locked , occupied . So I went to the female said and the door opened , but no toilet paper … thankfully I had packed wipes . Afterwards I waked the 20 or so yards to the aid station and sat down to wait on amber to bring me a my shoes , fresh socks and a fresh shirt . I wasn 't feeling much better , but life didn 't totally suck at this point . Amber kept reminding me that I was a strong hiker and the 4 miles 2 , 000 + ft climb was going to be my forte . I refilled my bottles , that I was going to drink this time , and put on some tunes to motivate me up the mountain . The first few steps out of the chair was tough , but I was going to climb it . I had only 17 miles separating me from my first buckle . I fixed my hat down on my head so that I could only see a few feet infront of me . I did not want the continual climb to the top to overwhelm me . I was going to take this mountain 3 yards at a time . As I started the descent and got into the set of switch backs I came across a runner sitting on the side of the trial . He shielded his eyes with his hands and said something to the effect of , " Don 't look , this is embarrassing . " I don 't know what he meant , and honestly I don 't know if he was even real or not , he may have been a hallucination , cause that was just a strange thing to say . As I climbed I felt strong and stronger . As I was going up the mountain my spirits were rising also . I ended up passing 5 or 6 people by just power hiking . I go to the top and turned let on another dirt road called Oswald 's Dome Road . At this Aid station there were grown men dressed up as giant rabbits and mice . One mouse had a crown on his head , I assume he was their leader . This was not an hallucination , but what they men at the aid station told me was a lie ! I kid you not … Giant Animals ! They said , " It 's all down hill from here . " And , " This will be your fastest trail half marathon ! " It was true that I had just 13 miles left , what was not true is that it was all down hill or that it was fast ! I ran strong down the road for a few miles and then the road started climbing . Up ahead I saw a guy in the woods equating up and down . He was about 6 ft tall and wearing a red and blue shirt . He would pop up and look around then squat back down . As I got closer , I realized that he was an hallucination . The all down hill from here part , kept climbing . So much so that I thought I had missed my turn off the road . So I pulled out my phone and turned on the GPS to see what road I was on … it was the right road , but it kept going up . Near the top of the massive hill I saw two guys that looked like they were falling apart . They walked swaying and pigeon toed . They were having a low point , but I was currently in a high . I ran past them and soon was at the McCamy Lake Aid station and saw Amber . What a difference 9 miles makes ! The last time I saw Amber I was miserable but determined . Now as I sat in the chair I was pumped and ready to finish this thing strong . The aid station worker said that " it 's all down hill " and that " it 's less than 6 miles to the finish . " He too lied . From the McCamy Lake Campground the trail was wide , smooth , gradual down hill , and awesome . I thought I am going to kill this ! I have 1hr and 45 mins to run less than 6 miles to break 24 hours . THIS IS AWESOME ! ! ! Then the trail turned to the left past Benton Falls . And with it came a steep down and up section that was completely unrunnable . There was roots and rocks . At one time there was steep switchbacks going down that had a even steeper embankment off to the left . The trail itself was so narrow that calling it single track made it seem wide , it was more like half - track . I had to use trees to keep my balance . The trail seemed to go on for ever . I had been running , well more like struggling down hill , for more than an hour by myself when I finally came to a clearing , there was a Ranger there with his ATV . Behind me was the two guys that seemed so miserable only 9 mile earlier . The ranger told us to turn right on this grass road / trail and I asked how much further . I assumed he would say a short distance . But instead he said 1 . 5 miles . This section was much more runnable and I ran as fast as I could . Evidently I had gone so slow on the technical part that even more people caught up to me . We were now all running in a train about 6 bodies long and I was the caboose . We got to a trail head marker that said we still had . 7 to the finish . As we approached the end , we could all sense the 24 hours coming to an end and we all shot to a sprint . I call it a sprint because it was the fastest we could possibly move … but we probably were just running at a moderate pace . Down the hill to the left we could hear cheers and cowbells . I ran across the line and looked at the clock behind me , 24 : 00 : 15 . I was beyond overwhelmed in completed my first 100 miler right at 24 hours . I hugged my wife that was there waiting on me in the now cold rain and we made our way to the van where we would drive to the finish line festivities . I was sore and tired , but I had completed something that a few years ago I had never even heard of ! There are so many people that I need to thank that made this possible . I thank God for enabling me with the ability and health to run and enjoy his nature . I thank my wife for her relentless encouragement and help through so much . The opportunity to see her face alone was what would get me through the lowest of lows in the race . I thank my friends that support me and cheer me on . I thank Run It Fast for being the enabling group of crazies that push me to push my limits . I thank my father who signed me up for my first race , the Art Fest 5k in Knoxville when I was like 11 years old and who would have me run 2 miles to begin and end every summer always reminding me that if I ever run enough that I would actually enjoy it , I certainly enjoy it now . I guess I should even thank my grandmother who taught me how to " nun . " ( It 's a long story ) It 's spring and in the spring a runner 's thoughts turn to racing ! Here are the Extreme Racer Standings through April 2014 . RIF # 121 Ed Ettinghausen is still in the lead with 743 . 8 points ! Ed , the Jester , is followed by RIF # 279 George Southgate in second with 523 . 77 points and RIF # 190 John Kent Leighton is now in third with 472 points . They are also the top 3 on the Men 's Leaderboard . There was a little bit of a switch on the Women 's Leaderboard . RIF # 287 Carol Earles is now in first with 387 . 1 points . She is followed by RIF # 323 Jennifer Hatcher in second with 360 . 9 points and RIF # 280 Suzy Michelson in third with 230 . 8 points . Will there be any shakeups for the May Standings ? How much racing did they do ? Check back next month to find out ! And until then … good luck and Run It Fast !
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Runner Girl Runner Girl was one of the first two things I wrote for this blog , before its launch . The other was an early version of the college stories that will never appear . But I decided to start with In a Bag Concealed just to kick off with something short and not personal . Then , caution to the winds , Runner Girl . She 's in the photo . Did you notice that ? I had the camera with me that morning because I was going to take the photos for Amiable Child that day . I had already written a draft of Runner Girl . When she ran past me I suddenly flashed on the idea of getting a photo of her . And I immediately rejected it as too creepy , since she wouldn 't know I was doing it . But after a minute , I started thinking that it would be a good idea to grab a photo of the street in the morning light . I took the camera out of the case , and one rationalization later , I decided that it might be all right to go ahead while she was still in sight , provided she was so far away that no one could tell who she is . The photo turned out to be blurred from my hands moving slightly during the long exposure , and I counted that as a plus in this case . The act of writing Runner Girl changed the whole picture for me . You have to realize that the reason I was so surprised she was there when I turned around is that I was not thinking about her . I was just walking to the station and looking around at the houses and trees and listening to bird song and turning to look at that car and WHOA , surprise , there 's somebody there almost right next to me , and wait , I 've seen her before , and . . . I 'll digress to explain where that little expression comes from . When Helen and I visited our friend Michael at the place he used to live in the Bronx , we 'd all go to pick up a pizza from a corner place called Nicky 's . It 's still there but with a different owner . Michael was there one day and heard a conversation between a customer and the pizza man that went something like this : I spelled it that way because the ESL pizza man seemed to parse " chees " as the plural noun for those little curly dairy products he put on pizzas . One of them would be a " chee " then , but you 'd never talk about just one . That would be like taking one strand of spaghetti and calling it a spaghetto , which is grammatically correct in Italian . Did you know that " pea " is derived the same way as " chee " ? The name of the legume was originally " pease " , a word preserved in the old rhyme that starts " pease porridge hot , pease porridge cold " . Old English had a singular " pise " and plural " pisen " . But " pease " sounds so much like a plural . That makes one of the little green spheres a " pea " , right ? It happened so long ago that the educational system that might have stopped it was not yet in place . Horrible . What 's happened now is that every time I walk to work , I think of the story , and the silly name Runner Girl , and wonder whether I 'll see her . All she does is run past and that 's it , but now I 'm thinking about it . I 'm saying to myself , " I wonder if she 'll be there today ? " , and feeling a little sense of loss when I don 't see her . I could never be surprised now . Wait , it 's worse . The scientific part of my brain . . . Yes there is a scientific part of my brain , I will have you know . Look at who I spend my time with and consider the effects on me . Helen is a research scientist . I work with people who have engineering degrees . They plan things in methodical ways . I like their ways however foreign they seem . And I have said that I like to question things myself . Now , where was I ? The scientific part of my brain objected to my claim that " she 's not running at exactly the same time " . I had not tested that . The Research reader in Editorial would have circled the words . So I had to find out . The Protocol was for me to check the time as I left the house , and then if I saw Runner Girl , remember that time . I got a sighting the first or second day . The next step was for me to leave at that time every day and see what happened . The Data soon showed that she ran within a couple of minutes of the same time every day . It was me who varied . The Conclusion was that if I left at that time I could maximize the chances of seeing her go by . Why does it matter whether I see her ? Because I wrote an essay about it , that 's why . I wish this was the end of it , but there 's more . One morning I was eating breakfast in the dining room , facing the front window , and saw Runner Girl go past on her way south . Remember , I told you I used to see her running south when I took the earlier train . The road she runs goes right in front of my house . Somehow I had not put this together before that morning . This could reduce the uncertainty ! If I am able to catch sight of her going south , then I know she will appear later going north . Isn 't it great ? It sets my mind at rest . The Maplewood police have a radar device that shows your speed . They hang it at different places every few days , usually right below a speed limit sign . It has the permanent lettering YOUR SPEED IS , and an electronic display that shows your speed . Typically you 'd see SPEED LIMIT 25 / YOUR SPEED IS 32 , or something like that . One morning around 04 : 15 I approached one of these unawares , and it suddenly lit up to show : 4 . That was my speed . I thought these things depended on bouncing the radar off metal , but whether that was ever true , the one they have in Maplewood works on people too . I should have kept walking , but being me , I had to turn around and walk back a short way , and face it again . This time I ran at it , and got it to show : 6 . No worries . It was less than 25 . Speaking of radar - is that a blend or what ? - another morning I was down on Glen Avenue in Millburn , and as I passed a streetlight that glowed bluish light , I saw something flying around . It was a bat ! It flew rapidly back and forth , diving and rising , under the light . I felt as if I could have stuck out my hand and touched it , it got so close . But its radar could detect I was there , and it evaded me to the extent that it paid me any mind at all . It must have been happily eating moths and whatever other insects were attracted to the streetlight . I watched it for a few minutes and then moved on . I did not see it again . If that was such a good spot , why did it not come back at the same time the next day ? The world is full of mysteries . He also reminded me of the Lord of the Rings obsession that had crept through the school , or at least among my friends . It went to the extent that when we returned from Father Fahey 's funeral , my friend Ray echoed Samwise 's words , " Well , I 'm back " . And it did not seem at all inappropriate , but rather conveyed the feeling that the good wizard had gone and we needed to find our own way now . Sometimes I start writing one of these things and it just doesn 't go anywhere interesting . Sharp eyed readers may have noticed that the Next Time line at the bottom of Huge Hall said Dating for a few days . That one did not work out . It was going to be about Egyptian chronology . I will never finish writing it . But I had a killer opening , and here it is . Of course I knew the Simon and Garfunkel version of " Hazy Shade of Winter " from when it came out , but the Bangles version ROCKS . Play this loud . You don 't hear that buzz once the music starts . Listen to Michael 's bass line ! Whoo ! And Vicki 's guitar lick that kicks it off ! On a late Bangles record like this one it 's rare to hear their terrific group harmony lead ( instead of Susannah solo ) , and to hear Vicki let loose on guitar and Debbi banging away . They sound like a GROUP again . What the hell happened after All Over the Place ? By the coda Susannah 's little - girl voice comes out of nowhere as a nice contrast . Each verse has first those sustained bass guitar notes and then the walk at the end ( yes I already mentioned the bass but it makes me happy ) , and Michael also sings solo that key line " I was so hard to please " . She was usually the supporting player of the four but she shines on this one . I am already way off the subject I wanted to tell you about . But it 's one of those records , right ? Do you ever arrive where you 're going , but sit in the car a couple of minutes to let a good record finish ? No ? All I really wanted to do was get the " time time time " thing established , because that 's what this one is about . Time . And it was downhill from there . Below is the only paragraph you 'll enjoy . I never met any of the Beatles . Well , neither did you , probably . They were the icons of our generation . They 're not some guys we used to know . I mentioned in Huge Hall how hearing " Revolution 1 " on a good stereo turned my head around . I collected all the Beatles ' records , even records they never released , and loved listening to them . By 1980 it started to fade and I was listening to other music . But then my new computer job in 1989 pulled me back in , because I was supposed to know about electronic mail and communications , and I took time on the job to check out Usenet Netnews . If you check the archives of rec . music . beatles on Google Groups you will find me writing several times a week as far back as it goes . It was great . I became part of a group project to compile the largest and most accurate list of recording variations , which you can see here . I really enjoyed working on that , all with people I never met in person . That paved the way for another cooperative project later , when I co - wrote a Bee Gees biography without meeting my four co - writers , who were in Scotland , Wales , and Australia ( but I did meet them afterwards ) . Sometime in the middle of the 1990s the Beatles went dormant for me again . I haven 't listened to them in a while now . A few people have contacted me recently because of the forthcoming reissue box , in September 2009 . What do I think of it , and so forth . I think it 's about fifteen years late for me , to be honest . I 'm not sure I want to drop five hundred bucks on it now . Hearing that the sound on the stereo disks will be limited to make them loud does not help entice me ( I can rant about that abomination some other time ) . But the email does make me think of the Beatles again , and a totally different conversation I had made me think of the Six Degrees meme . How far am I from any of the Beatles ? Two degrees ! That means just one person between me and each of them . And I can do it two ways , possibly three . Do you want to know what they are ? Sure you do . Here we go . __________ Back in college , I took a cour2 comments : Strange days have found us , and through their strange hours we linger alone . Bodies confused , memories misused . . . I had that album , Strange Days by the Doors . The Doors of Perception , Aldous Huxley wrote , but even in the sixties that seemed too long and crazy a name for a band , so the Doors it was . Jim Morrison , lyrics . He 'd be 65 now . Doing a six - month gig in Vegas , I don 't know . Imagine that . He 's up there shouting , " Mother , I want to - send you a greeting card ! " Wouldn 't that push the boundaries ? Some people would walk out , their sensibilities violated . And everyone would talk about it . I know Jim would have the guts to do it . But I digress . I 've given myself a challenge . I can barely half - remember college days . Can I do high school days at all ? Some little pieces of it are still there in the grey cells . Strange days . Not a child , not grown . Now say you have a class that is normally held on the fourth floor , but for some reason today it 's been moved to the nearly identical room on the ground floor . The teacher always seems a little on edge . One of the boys takes a seat near the open window . At some point he stands and announces , " I just can 't take it any more ! " , and jumps out the window . The teacher panics ! It 's the fourth floor ! Well , it isn 't , today , and the boy has had to go into a crouch as soon as his feet touch the ground three feet below the window , in order to disappear convincingly . It 's lovely to think about . I wasn 't there when this one happened . I wonder whether anyone was . Or say you have a somewhat claustrophobic teacher . The boys notice that ever since the classroom floor has been cleaned , it 's easy to slide the desks and chairs around silently . A plot is hatched . Each time the teacher turns his back to write on the board , everyone moves forward , no more than a half inch . He turns back , and things seem normal . Don 't they ? Thirty minutes later , the desks and chairs are at least a foot forward from their original positions , but as long as no one cracks , things still seem normal . But it 's like the room is closing in . The suspense is overwhelming . How far can we go ? I 'm not sure whether I was there when that one happened . Stephen Wright had this bit in his comedy act . After running through a series of jokes about things he did , he starts the next one , " and then I . . . " , pauses , and adds " oh wait , that wasn 't me " . I liked that he was rambling through someone else 's memory . No . I don 't think I was there for the moving of desks and chairs . If I had perpetrated these things , I would have got jug . I got jug once for nothing . My Latin class right before lunch was in a second floor room opposite the stairs , and that day I was in the desk next to the door . As soon as class ended , I just got up and walked down the stairs . I was the first one down . The Prefect of Discipline Emeritus - a hell of a title , isn 't it - was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and pulled me over . He told me I should not run in school . I agreed . I hadn 't been running , so it seemed safe to agree . He took my name and told me to report for jug . " Now , what did you learn ? " , he asked . I had no idea what to reply . He kindly did not add a day . The derivation of the word " jug " was unknown to us . It 's " Justice under God " , according to some web pages , but I suspected it was the beginning of something in Latin about being put under a yoke . If the weather was clement , a fine high school word , jug meant you went outside after school with the other bad boys and walked in a line around a little campus lawn an indeterminate number of times . The path we trod passed through a little gazebo with four stone pillars holding up the roof , and on a dare , you could step out of line , hide behind a pillar , and rejoin the line the next time it came around . What fun . Unless you happened to step out during the last time around . Then you 'd be stuck there . Now once again , did I see this happen , or was I only told of it ? Here 's one I know I did . It was in a biology class . I was one of those kids who did all the homework and never caused any trouble . Don 't hit me . Probably for that reason I was paired at a lab bench with a boy known as a little bit of a troublemaker . What they failed to reckon was that I liked the idea of making trouble as long as nobody got hurt . The legs of the benches were attached the floor with something like an L bracket . We noticed the leg on my side was a little loose , so we decided to push up on the bench any chance we got , to see how long it would take to completely pull out the screw . It took a few months . It was totally stupid petty vandalism . But it gave us a reason to look forward to that class . I was sorry when the screw pulled out , but just because then we couldn 't do it any more . They never caught us for that one . The Jesuits liked to be relevant as much as possible , and one of them had the idea of teaching about ethics and stuff by listening to popular music and discussing the lyrics . The Beatles , Simon and Garfunkel , whatever . I 'm not sure they got to Dylan . One day there was something new in the classroom : a stereo system . Now I had at home a thing called a record player , a box about a foot square , with a turntable and an arm and a small speaker built into it . That was how you played records . They sounded all right if that was all you knew . But in this classroom they had a nice big speaker on each side and a decent turntable and amp . And I had no idea what was about to happen to me . We were going to discuss " Revolution " , off the Beatles ' latest album . Lyric sheets were handed out , and we were going to take a few minutes to listen to it first . The stylus dropped and a few seconds into the music SWEET ANGELS MY BRAIN WENT BLANK AND MY HEART EXPLODED . I MEAN IT WAS AMAZING . Sheltered boy , I had never heard rock music played at proper volume over a decent sound system . I COULD HEAR EVERYTHING . The guitars , the drums , the vocals , everything , crystal clear , or at least a hell of a lot clearer than I had ever heard before . Lyrics ? I don 't care about stinking lyrics . I want to hear more music on this INCREDIBLE sound system ! I was so hooked . To this day I want to hear music as loud and thumping as I can stand it . My poor ears . " What 's that ? Eh ? " And mind you , this was " Revolution 1 " , the smooth version on the white album . If they had played the other take of the same song , " Revolution " the B side , with the shouting , distorted guitars and heavy drums , I don 't know what would have happened to me . That explains something about me . It was one of those formative moments . You 're probably waiting to hear about another formative moment , if you 've read the College Stories in some of my previous posts . I didn 't realize it at first , but those stories make it seem as if the main thing I did for four years was check out girls . I am not ashamed of my orientation . After all I could have written about classes I took , or the guy who was my roommate in Carman , but you 'd go to sleep . Anyway I am sure that now you are expecting to hear about the girls I knew in high school . I have three words for you : all , boys , school . There was , for a while , an after - school discussion group about some subject I forget that we could attend together with girls from the remarkably named nearby school Mount Saint Ursula . Of course I did go off on those expeditions . No friendships were formed there , but at least I got to , like , talk to some of them . Ah , now you see where I come from . My after - school activity was the bookstore . One thing I learned that has stuck with me was to keep the pile of bills in the cashbox with all the heads facing the same way . Father Fahey , the Jesuit in charge , kept stressing this . The other day I saw a young cashier in our local supermarket doing exactly the same thing when I handed her a twenty and a few singles . You know what , I usually turn them all the same way myself , but I 've been trying to break free of some little habits I have , so I didn 't do it that day , and then I saw her turning them to make some manager happy . She 's going to blog about it in whatever kind of blog people will have forty years from now , some kind of direct injection to brains I expect . " One thing I learned that has stuck with me " , she will begin , and then have to explain what paper money was . I 'm going to turn my heads the same way from now on , as a kindness to my fellow sufferers . I wonder how many customers do it . The ones who have worked in stores probably do . This isn 't much of a story , is it ? It 's more of a slice of life , full of random moments that maybe add up to something . It 's Azumanga Daioh but with boys and no pictures . Maybe you 'll get a feel for life at Fordham Prep years ago . Maybe not . Some of us were travelling downtown one day . As we were walking through a passage in the subway , our friend Ray asked the rest of us , " Am I hungry ? " Sorry , Ray , that unanswerable question is the thing I remember you for . No , wait , the other thing is that one day Ray brought in an old 78 called the Okeh Laughing Record , and we must have had a record player in the back of the bookstore , because I know we played it . It is what the title says it is . Google the title if you want to hear it . They don 't make them like that any more . I was riding with somebody to school on the Third Avenue El . Only the Bronx portion of it still remained , and it was worked with ancient subway cars from the 1920s that were on their last legs . We got on at 149th St , and at the next station , one of the doors didn 't close . I got up and pushed it shut so the train could start , and at the next stop my friend did the same , and we took turns at each station where it opened on that side . We said nothing about it . It was the el . Pieces of stuff fell off it to the street , doors didn 't close , situation normal . We just wanted the train to make it to our stop . Our car was empty when we got off at Fordham Road . The train was probably stuck for a while at the next station , with no one left to close the door . My best friend in school was Frank . His last name alphabetized right next to mine . That 's how you met people in Catholic schools . You had to sit or stand next to them in alphabetical order all the time , so you might as well talk to them . In grade school sometimes the nuns had us line up in size place instead . Maybe that made a nice visual impression to some artistically inclined authority figure . The catch is that for young kids , size place kept changing . Alphabetical didn 't , except maybe when a new kid showed up . My friend Michael recalls someone in his school who was always last in line , whose name turned out to be Zyzyk . Them 's the breaks , but it 's kind of a distinction though , really , if you think of it . What adventures did I have with Frank ? I don 't know . He worked in the bookstore too , and I guess we left at the same time and took the same bus , but it 's all gone now . I think mainly we kept each other 's spirits up as we survived each day . We were both studious nerds . Oh no , what did I say up there ? " I could have written about classes I took , or the guy who was my roommate in Carman , but you 'd go to sleep . " Sorry , I 'm approaching that now , right ? Uh . . . OK , once we went down to Frank 's father 's office in midtown . He was with P & H , a manufacturer of construction and mining equipment . He had a toy truck on his desk , one of those huge yellow dump trucks they use on earth moving projects . The name P & H stands for Pawling and Harnischfeger . Yeah , Harnischfeger . That 's a great comedy name . The hammer slips and you curse , " Harnischfeger ! " . Or you say a list of things and end with " and a henway , and a harnischfeger " . There are so many possibilities . Oops , did you get to this web page by searching your family name ? I 'm sorry . But , come on . I think my brain is degenerating back to high school humor . Well , that 's my excuse . Look , the athletic field was Coffey Field , and Father Fahey kept referring to it as the Coffey Grounds , and we loved it . That was the stuff . He died in my senior year , a big loss . All of his students loved him . The school arranged a bus trip for us to the Jesuit Seminary in Yorktown for the funeral ceremonies . We thought of him as an old guy . I see from his dates in my yearbook that he was a year younger than I am now , and that 's not old , I swear . Speaking of old guys , one of the best teachers I ever had was Mr McDonough , Geometry , then in his fortieth year of teaching . And he was the opposite of burned out . It was what he loved doing . He taught with great clarity , and besides the logic of Euclidian postulates and constructions and proofs appealed to me . When you gave a good answer in class he gave you a McDonough Funeral Home pencil , a place run by his brother , and he made sure everyone had got at least one pencil by the end of the year . During exams he would get up for a few minutes and do a little soft - shoe number , singing some old pop tune in a soft voice , and then sit down as if nothing unusual had taken place . That 's just about what I would do . He had the Mr Chips tweed jacket and a polite soft - spoken manner , but he was not to be underestimated . Once he was holding a wooden cone , and telling us about how to calculate the volume of cones , when some boy kept talking to his friend in the back . Mr McDonough informed Mr Soandso ( we were all Mr ) that if he didn 't keep quiet he would be asked to sit on the cone , and added that that would shut him up . Big laugh all around . After us he taught ten more years of boys . They made him stop at fifty . I recall another teacher too , Mr Martin , Advanced Placement English , known as Ape . We read Marshall McLuhan , from which my immature brain formed some concept of how the medium is the message . I should be thinking more of how a blog differs from print , shouldn 't I ? These long rambling weekly posts . . . oh never mind . Mr Martin posed the question to us one day , " what is the difference between fiction and non - fiction ? " . One of the usual suspects was called upon . Mr Suchandsuch informed us that the difference was that fiction was not true . " NO ! " , Mr Martin shouted , and he picked up an eraser and threw a fastball to the kid , just missing his head . I vowed to myself never to call fiction untrue . To this day , I will not say it . Huge Hall was our name for the building Fordham Prep was in , Hughes Hall . It wasn 't that big . That 's why we called it Huge . We noticed that the steam radiators had a date in the 1880s cast into them , and being the youngsters we were , with our minds on the present , that seemed too impossibly old to be true . But it was . It was less than a hundred years ago at the time . Some of the classrooms still had the old iron desks attached to the floor , the wooden desktop equipped with a pencil groove and a hole for the ink bottle , the wood worn beautifully smooth by generations of boys . The walls had real slate blackboards . It was a great atmosphere . It reeked of tradition . Hughes was too old to be a steel building . The support system was the external stone walls and a single row of iron columns down the center on the long axis , visible only on the ground floor where space was opened up for a gym . Yes , a gym with padded iron columns within it ! Oof ! The stone wall on the ground floor was three feet thick , making for nice window seats . Some of our classes were in Dealy , once a near - twin building to Hughes but renovated to death with all new interiors , a classroom building shared by the College and the Prep . The Prep at this time was still a school within Fordham University . My class card you can see near the top of this post has quite a few classrooms marked D for Dealy . Huge Hall is now a first - year college dorm . No going back . Παντα ρει και ουδεν μενει . Και ωδε συνεβανικαις . Some of us in Greek class made up that second sentence . It was our " Kilroy was here " . But the catchy rhyming first sentence is " everything flows and nothing stays " , from Heraclitus , roughly 500 BC , by way of Plato . See , I learned a few things there . Heraclitus didn 't seem especially depressed that everything changes , either . He was just saying that 's how it is . My friend Mary finished Barnard College in three years by taking as many courses as possible and working like a demon . It was really quite an achievement . She got top grades too , as if she were just taking a normal course load . That 's why she seemed to be either working or studying all the time . When I mentioned to her that the same course load in Columbia College would have got me out only one semester early , not two , she was not happy with me . I was just making an observation , but in my usual way I had failed to recognize how someone else would feel hearing it . I should have just congratulated her and let her feel good . That would have been the right thing to do . If I had done the right thing , then , later , after the good feeling had settled in , then we could have got into the differences in how our two schools counted credits , and I could show with diagrams and logic how I would have fared taking exactly the same course load . I would wait and do this at the right moment . I don 't know what the right moment would be exactly , but at the right moment . Now if you 're wondering , it was because Barnard counted courses as units , while Columbia assigned points to each course and counted points . My wife , also a Barnard girl , told me later how this worked against science majors . Columbia gave most courses 3 points , a few only 2 , but the awful science courses with lectures , labs , and recitations could run as high as 6 points . But to Barnard girls , each course was one course . I had a big day out with Mary somewhere around here . Where do you think we would go in the world 's most exciting city , New York ? Yes , of course we went to the New York Public Library Research Collection at Fifth and Forty - Second , the place with the lions out front . I loved going there . Mary was working on a term paper . I was reading about the history of the New York subway system . Some small part of the notes I took may have ended up on my Abandoned Stations pages thirty years later . You can see how dedicated we both were to our obsessions . We sat next to each other at a big table and worked quietly for hours . I liked sitting near her . And then we went home . I lived in John Jay . God ! Those long corridors lined with doors , those little rooms with a desk , a bed , and a sink , and those central toilet and shower rooms . You wanted to bang your metal cup on the door until the guards let you out for exercise . It was not a healthy environment . I was only in there to sleep and read . Otherwise I got myself out of the place . As a result I did not know the neighbors much beyond giving each other a nod and a grunt in the hallway . All right , it wasn 't hopeless . No . What would cheer me up was to buy a quart of milk and a package of Nabisco Chocolate Grahams , and sit down with them and read a book . That was nice . When the red and white milk carton was empty , I would save it , and when I had enough of them , I started building a dinosaur . A Tyrannosaurus . It must have been about three feet high when I finished it . It had the big hind legs , the fat body , the little arms , the big head . It was in the bad upright pose we used to think was how they stood . The cartons were mostly intact , but I cut the ends or sides off , with my communist scissors , wherever I needed to , to make them fit . It was held together with masking tape . Fine , but what was going to happen when I had to move out ? Toward the end of the school year , one fine day I brought the dinosaur over to Philosophy Library and sat it on a nearly unused section of desk in the back of the office space . You could see it from the reading room through the little windows . It looked pretty good there I thought . Someone admiring it asked me whether it was a lot of work cleaning the milk out from inside the cartons . No , I said , no problem . I didn 't want to say that I had not thought about it . I think I rinsed them in my little room sink , I 'm not sure . It should have smelled like old cheese , or turned blue from the inside out , but it didn 't . I think . I don 't have a good sense of smell . After a short time it was thought better to have the staff up in the Burgess - Carpenter office admire it , in a more private space , so I moved it up there . It stayed there for some weeks , and then one day it was gone . At least I didn 't have to be the one to throw it out . That last semester , Mary worked Sundays and I did not . One day I had the idea of calling her at the library and asking if she 'd eat supper with me , and she said she would . We went over to the McIntosh Center at Barnard and got burgers . That building is gone now . It had a line of glass doors on the outer wall of the big room we 'd eat in , all marked " this is not a door " because they were only for emergency exits . We ended up doing the same thing for weeks on end . I called her each week as if I just thought of it . She 'd say yes . I would go up to the library desk and walk over with her , and walk her back as far as the outside door of the library . I think we argued about politics sometimes . It didn 't matter . The next week we 'd do it again . Sunday night was kind of a dead zone on campus . I don 't know where everybody went really , but I had just been grabbing something to eat by myself , and so did she I imagine , and now we had somebody to talk to , somebody else in the same boat . It was pretty nice . Then came our last summer . Mary was allowed to work her student job until the end of the summer , so we continued in what we considered normal life . We both ended up living in a building down at 102nd St and Broadway . I was rooming with a Philosophy grad student , Carl . Mary moved down there a little later and did not have a roommate right away . Rachel graduated . I mentioned her in the last story but forgot to say she was a year older , a year ahead of me . I didn 't mention sitting in the grass with her after class a few times , near the end of term when it was warm , her long black hair shining in the sun , and her great smile . Maybe the Nice Jewish Boy thing she was into took all the pressure off , but she was easy to talk to . I wished her well in the end and I do hope she found was she was looking for . She deserved it . I 'm smiling as I write this . Lisa was away that summer , back home living the glamorous life of a Friendly 's waitress . We decided to correspond , and I wrote her more letters than I ever sent to anybody . I should have hers somewhere , because I never intentionally threw them out , but I have not seen them in decades . Maybe it 's better to imagine . I don 't even know what we wrote about any more , except that we got to know each other better than we had done . There were a lot of thunderstorms that hot summer . One day I forgot to bring my umbrella , and was allowed to walk under Mary 's in the pouring rain all the way down to 102d St . The cold raindrops , the steam rising from the pavement , the sun peeking out ready to raise the humidity beyond endurance . We didn 't talk , so we could stand to walk that close . In mid summer our apartments changed roommates . I was the hot potato passed along to fill space , since I wasn 't going to be permanent . Once again I had lined up a nice dorm room for the coming school year . Carl had found a long term roommate , and so I was sent off to Mary 's apartment . Believe it or not . She was out more than I expected though . Weekends , she often left in the morning and wasn 't back till dinner , or after . Weekdays , she got in late sometimes . Then the big guy came by one day and she introduced me . I was actually a little jealous . One magic evening Mary and I were sitting in her room talking about stuff , and she said , " I want to show you something " . She pulled a flat box out from under her bed , lifted the lid , and started removing 8 by 10 black and white photographic prints . She put quite a few of them on the desk and dresser , leaning against the wall , lining up a nice little gallery . They were nature scenes , beautifully done , and they were hers . She had taken them , and developed and printed them , the previous summer when she was away at home . I was knocked out . I had never seen her do anything artistic . She never did much of anything to my knowledge but work and study . And here was this talent that I knew nothing about , expressed only when she had somehow found time for it , during a summer when I assume she was working at some job . The pictures were great . I must have jammered some kind of praise . I sure hope so . I don 't know how many people ever saw them . If it was a rare honor , and I think it was , I thank her for sharing it with me . It was a nice gesture . So what was that about ? Did she want me to tell her how awesome she was ? Did I miss a chance there ? No . I don 't think so . I think the boyfriend was pulling her out of her shell , and she just thought the art history boy would like the photographs that she 'd been maybe too self - conscious to show to people . And she was right about that . I can 't believe this , but I have no memory of moving from there . I don 't even remember by what means I moved my stuff from there to the dorm . This is New York . We didn 't have cars like normal Americans . More importantly I don 't remember ever saying goodbye to Mary . Was she not there the day I left ? Or did we just shrug our shoulders at each other and say " huh , see ya " as I handed her my key ? I haven 't the slightest idea . It should have been a memorable occasion . There was a lot left unsaid . I know only what I thought of her and not what she thought of me . But enough was enough . I could have gone back to visit but I did not . She never looked for me either . It was as if she 'd gone to some distant place . But I think she was there , only a half mile away , for years . I don 't know . It did not bother me then . I was looking forward , and finding new people and new connections . It was only years later that I started to wonder what different course my life could have taken if I had done different things at certain times , and that useless daydream only works when you have forgotten what it was really like . I need to trust my young self , and remember that it did not matter to me then . This is not Mary 's picture . The trouble I go to for this blog : I took this picture in July 2009 in New Jersey , as a pathetic attempt to show you the kind of picture I think Mary took . We might have a laugh someday at how far off this is from what she really did . I think hers had a lake in the background . Lisa came back in September . And I met some new people including somebody really special . Does that help ? I don 't want to bring you down and leave you there . Before we move on , I want to get back to that Anthem song that I linked to in the last college story . What got me onto it was Bob Lefsetz 's blog The Lefsetz Letter back on March 20 , 2009 . As you can see it inspired my title , a blog about the war of yesterday . The title is not just for the college stories . A lot of my stuff is about getting at the truth about the past , exploring how we know what we know , and debunking the misconceptions that turn into history . That 's the war of yesterday . Nobody gets killed , but there 's some disagreement . In my Beach Pneumatic pages for example , I show that the story everyone knows is wrong , and in the Bee Gees book I helped write a few of us straightened out some mythical stories . But I digress . Bob writes about the music business . He stumbled across the song on satellite radio and the words hit him just about as hard as they hit me . Bob wrote , quoting the lyrics : You can research her on the Internet , even though it might be difficult to find her , because she 's changed her last name , to match that of her husband . I admit it , I did it , when I started writing the college stories . Mary did not change her last name , so it wasn 't that hard . The women of my generation did not all change their names . My wife did not , and neither did the woman in a married couple I work with now who are just three years older . And as we met my daughter 's friends ' parents , we kept running into other old parents who didn 't change either . There was one couple with different names , with two children , and the boy had the mother 's last name and the girl had the father 's , a neat concept if you have two kids . Our generation were the weird ones . That went out of style fast . Of course I have changed Mary 's first name , and some other things about her . You got that , right ? The narrator of Drop told you he wrote a biography of Homer G Classics . But it 's still her as far as I 'm concerned . You can make contact , but that would be a mistake . What would you say ? You might be melancholy , you might be looking for something , but chances are they are not . You want to marinate in your memories , you 'd rather dream about what could be , than be confronted with what isn 't . Right . What would I say to her older self ? It 's too long ago . At best we could get together and have a few laughs at what fools we were , or what a fool I was anyway . That would be all right . I 'd get a kick out of doing that with her . That 's all I would want . Besides , Mary is not the girl who got away . I don 't think I had any chances to miss . But the song still touches me somehow , and the comments under it on Youtube show that it has reached many other people too . That 's one of the great things about music . I 've written a lot about music elsewhere . It has a power to touch feelings that words alone do not have . If you would like to hear Eric Lumiere 's song without the dance beat , go to http : / / www . purevolume . com / ericlumiere . In the upper right , where you see the list of songs , mouse over the little triangle under the list , until you scroll it down to " Anthem with strings 2 " . Click on the title . Somehow I prefer the Trance version by Filo and Peri , the one in that video . As Bob writes : It was like the action froze at a rave , and a mindless bopper turned to the camera and started riffing on what he was truly feeling , what he was trying to escape by getting high and dancing like this . That 's life . We rarely say what we 're truly feeling . We move to the beat of our ordinary routines , because that 's easy and everyone is doing it , except that just once in a while , we stop . And that 's when something happens . Whatever it is . This is an anthem for the rebel of my youthMilk carton dinosaur . What the hell ? Why did I do that ? Why do I do half the things I do ? I haven 't changed that much .
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Runner Girl Runner Girl was one of the first two things I wrote for this blog , before its launch . The other was an early version of the college stories that will never appear . But I decided to start with In a Bag Concealed just to kick off with something short and not personal . Then , caution to the winds , Runner Girl . She 's in the photo . Did you notice that ? I had the camera with me that morning because I was going to take the photos for Amiable Child that day . I had already written a draft of Runner Girl . When she ran past me I suddenly flashed on the idea of getting a photo of her . And I immediately rejected it as too creepy , since she wouldn 't know I was doing it . But after a minute , I started thinking that it would be a good idea to grab a photo of the street in the morning light . I took the camera out of the case , and one rationalization later , I decided that it might be all right to go ahead while she was still in sight , provided she was so far away that no one could tell who she is . The photo turned out to be blurred from my hands moving slightly during the long exposure , and I counted that as a plus in this case . The act of writing Runner Girl changed the whole picture for me . You have to realize that the reason I was so surprised she was there when I turned around is that I was not thinking about her . I was just walking to the station and looking around at the houses and trees and listening to bird song and turning to look at that car and WHOA , surprise , there 's somebody there almost right next to me , and wait , I 've seen her before , and . . . I 'll digress to explain where that little expression comes from . When Helen and I visited our friend Michael at the place he used to live in the Bronx , we 'd all go to pick up a pizza from a corner place called Nicky 's . It 's still there but with a different owner . Michael was there one day and heard a conversation between a customer and the pizza man that went something like this : I spelled it that way because the ESL pizza man seemed to parse " chees " as the plural noun for those little curly dairy products he put on pizzas . One of them would be a " chee " then , but you 'd never talk about just one . That would be like taking one strand of spaghetti and calling it a spaghetto , which is grammatically correct in Italian . Did you know that " pea " is derived the same way as " chee " ? The name of the legume was originally " pease " , a word preserved in the old rhyme that starts " pease porridge hot , pease porridge cold " . Old English had a singular " pise " and plural " pisen " . But " pease " sounds so much like a plural . That makes one of the little green spheres a " pea " , right ? It happened so long ago that the educational system that might have stopped it was not yet in place . Horrible . What 's happened now is that every time I walk to work , I think of the story , and the silly name Runner Girl , and wonder whether I 'll see her . All she does is run past and that 's it , but now I 'm thinking about it . I 'm saying to myself , " I wonder if she 'll be there today ? " , and feeling a little sense of loss when I don 't see her . I could never be surprised now . Wait , it 's worse . The scientific part of my brain . . . Yes there is a scientific part of my brain , I will have you know . Look at who I spend my time with and consider the effects on me . Helen is a research scientist . I work with people who have engineering degrees . They plan things in methodical ways . I like their ways however foreign they seem . And I have said that I like to question things myself . Now , where was I ? The scientific part of my brain objected to my claim that " she 's not running at exactly the same time " . I had not tested that . The Research reader in Editorial would have circled the words . So I had to find out . The Protocol was for me to check the time as I left the house , and then if I saw Runner Girl , remember that time . I got a sighting the first or second day . The next step was for me to leave at that time every day and see what happened . The Data soon showed that she ran within a couple of minutes of the same time every day . It was me who varied . The Conclusion was that if I left at that time I could maximize the chances of seeing her go by . Why does it matter whether I see her ? Because I wrote an essay about it , that 's why . I wish this was the end of it , but there 's more . One morning I was eating breakfast in the dining room , facing the front window , and saw Runner Girl go past on her way south . Remember , I told you I used to see her running south when I took the earlier train . The road she runs goes right in front of my house . Somehow I had not put this together before that morning . This could reduce the uncertainty ! If I am able to catch sight of her going south , then I know she will appear later going north . Isn 't it great ? It sets my mind at rest . The Maplewood police have a radar device that shows your speed . They hang it at different places every few days , usually right below a speed limit sign . It has the permanent lettering YOUR SPEED IS , and an electronic display that shows your speed . Typically you 'd see SPEED LIMIT 25 / YOUR SPEED IS 32 , or something like that . One morning around 04 : 15 I approached one of these unawares , and it suddenly lit up to show : 4 . That was my speed . I thought these things depended on bouncing the radar off metal , but whether that was ever true , the one they have in Maplewood works on people too . I should have kept walking , but being me , I had to turn around and walk back a short way , and face it again . This time I ran at it , and got it to show : 6 . No worries . It was less than 25 . Speaking of radar - is that a blend or what ? - another morning I was down on Glen Avenue in Millburn , and as I passed a streetlight that glowed bluish light , I saw something flying around . It was a bat ! It flew rapidly back and forth , diving and rising , under the light . I felt as if I could have stuck out my hand and touched it , it got so close . But its radar could detect I was there , and it evaded me to the extent that it paid me any mind at all . It must have been happily eating moths and whatever other insects were attracted to the streetlight . I watched it for a few minutes and then moved on . I did not see it again . If that was such a good spot , why did it not come back at the same time the next day ? The world is full of mysteries . He also reminded me of the Lord of the Rings obsession that had crept through the school , or at least among my friends . It went to the extent that when we returned from Father Fahey 's funeral , my friend Ray echoed Samwise 's words , " Well , I 'm back " . And it did not seem at all inappropriate , but rather conveyed the feeling that the good wizard had gone and we needed to find our own way now . Sometimes I start writing one of these things and it just doesn 't go anywhere interesting . Sharp eyed readers may have noticed that the Next Time line at the bottom of Huge Hall said Dating for a few days . That one did not work out . It was going to be about Egyptian chronology . I will never finish writing it . But I had a killer opening , and here it is . Of course I knew the Simon and Garfunkel version of " Hazy Shade of Winter " from when it came out , but the Bangles version ROCKS . Play this loud . You don 't hear that buzz once the music starts . Listen to Michael 's bass line ! Whoo ! And Vicki 's guitar lick that kicks it off ! On a late Bangles record like this one it 's rare to hear their terrific group harmony lead ( instead of Susannah solo ) , and to hear Vicki let loose on guitar and Debbi banging away . They sound like a GROUP again . What the hell happened after All Over the Place ? By the coda Susannah 's little - girl voice comes out of nowhere as a nice contrast . Each verse has first those sustained bass guitar notes and then the walk at the end ( yes I already mentioned the bass but it makes me happy ) , and Michael also sings solo that key line " I was so hard to please " . She was usually the supporting player of the four but she shines on this one . I am already way off the subject I wanted to tell you about . But it 's one of those records , right ? Do you ever arrive where you 're going , but sit in the car a couple of minutes to let a good record finish ? No ? All I really wanted to do was get the " time time time " thing established , because that 's what this one is about . Time . And it was downhill from there . Below is the only paragraph you 'll enjoy . I never met any of the Beatles . Well , neither did you , probably . They were the icons of our generation . They 're not some guys we used to know . I mentioned in Huge Hall how hearing " Revolution 1 " on a good stereo turned my head around . I collected all the Beatles ' records , even records they never released , and loved listening to them . By 1980 it started to fade and I was listening to other music . But then my new computer job in 1989 pulled me back in , because I was supposed to know about electronic mail and communications , and I took time on the job to check out Usenet Netnews . If you check the archives of rec . music . beatles on Google Groups you will find me writing several times a week as far back as it goes . It was great . I became part of a group project to compile the largest and most accurate list of recording variations , which you can see here . I really enjoyed working on that , all with people I never met in person . That paved the way for another cooperative project later , when I co - wrote a Bee Gees biography without meeting my four co - writers , who were in Scotland , Wales , and Australia ( but I did meet them afterwards ) . Sometime in the middle of the 1990s the Beatles went dormant for me again . I haven 't listened to them in a while now . A few people have contacted me recently because of the forthcoming reissue box , in September 2009 . What do I think of it , and so forth . I think it 's about fifteen years late for me , to be honest . I 'm not sure I want to drop five hundred bucks on it now . Hearing that the sound on the stereo disks will be limited to make them loud does not help entice me ( I can rant about that abomination some other time ) . But the email does make me think of the Beatles again , and a totally different conversation I had made me think of the Six Degrees meme . How far am I from any of the Beatles ? Two degrees ! That means just one person between me and each of them . And I can do it two ways , possibly three . Do you want to know what they are ? Sure you do . Here we go . __________ Back in college , I took a cour2 comments : Strange days have found us , and through their strange hours we linger alone . Bodies confused , memories misused . . . I had that album , Strange Days by the Doors . The Doors of Perception , Aldous Huxley wrote , but even in the sixties that seemed too long and crazy a name for a band , so the Doors it was . Jim Morrison , lyrics . He 'd be 65 now . Doing a six - month gig in Vegas , I don 't know . Imagine that . He 's up there shouting , " Mother , I want to - send you a greeting card ! " Wouldn 't that push the boundaries ? Some people would walk out , their sensibilities violated . And everyone would talk about it . I know Jim would have the guts to do it . But I digress . I 've given myself a challenge . I can barely half - remember college days . Can I do high school days at all ? Some little pieces of it are still there in the grey cells . Strange days . Not a child , not grown . Now say you have a class that is normally held on the fourth floor , but for some reason today it 's been moved to the nearly identical room on the ground floor . The teacher always seems a little on edge . One of the boys takes a seat near the open window . At some point he stands and announces , " I just can 't take it any more ! " , and jumps out the window . The teacher panics ! It 's the fourth floor ! Well , it isn 't , today , and the boy has had to go into a crouch as soon as his feet touch the ground three feet below the window , in order to disappear convincingly . It 's lovely to think about . I wasn 't there when this one happened . I wonder whether anyone was . Or say you have a somewhat claustrophobic teacher . The boys notice that ever since the classroom floor has been cleaned , it 's easy to slide the desks and chairs around silently . A plot is hatched . Each time the teacher turns his back to write on the board , everyone moves forward , no more than a half inch . He turns back , and things seem normal . Don 't they ? Thirty minutes later , the desks and chairs are at least a foot forward from their original positions , but as long as no one cracks , things still seem normal . But it 's like the room is closing in . The suspense is overwhelming . How far can we go ? I 'm not sure whether I was there when that one happened . Stephen Wright had this bit in his comedy act . After running through a series of jokes about things he did , he starts the next one , " and then I . . . " , pauses , and adds " oh wait , that wasn 't me " . I liked that he was rambling through someone else 's memory . No . I don 't think I was there for the moving of desks and chairs . If I had perpetrated these things , I would have got jug . I got jug once for nothing . My Latin class right before lunch was in a second floor room opposite the stairs , and that day I was in the desk next to the door . As soon as class ended , I just got up and walked down the stairs . I was the first one down . The Prefect of Discipline Emeritus - a hell of a title , isn 't it - was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and pulled me over . He told me I should not run in school . I agreed . I hadn 't been running , so it seemed safe to agree . He took my name and told me to report for jug . " Now , what did you learn ? " , he asked . I had no idea what to reply . He kindly did not add a day . The derivation of the word " jug " was unknown to us . It 's " Justice under God " , according to some web pages , but I suspected it was the beginning of something in Latin about being put under a yoke . If the weather was clement , a fine high school word , jug meant you went outside after school with the other bad boys and walked in a line around a little campus lawn an indeterminate number of times . The path we trod passed through a little gazebo with four stone pillars holding up the roof , and on a dare , you could step out of line , hide behind a pillar , and rejoin the line the next time it came around . What fun . Unless you happened to step out during the last time around . Then you 'd be stuck there . Now once again , did I see this happen , or was I only told of it ? Here 's one I know I did . It was in a biology class . I was one of those kids who did all the homework and never caused any trouble . Don 't hit me . Probably for that reason I was paired at a lab bench with a boy known as a little bit of a troublemaker . What they failed to reckon was that I liked the idea of making trouble as long as nobody got hurt . The legs of the benches were attached the floor with something like an L bracket . We noticed the leg on my side was a little loose , so we decided to push up on the bench any chance we got , to see how long it would take to completely pull out the screw . It took a few months . It was totally stupid petty vandalism . But it gave us a reason to look forward to that class . I was sorry when the screw pulled out , but just because then we couldn 't do it any more . They never caught us for that one . The Jesuits liked to be relevant as much as possible , and one of them had the idea of teaching about ethics and stuff by listening to popular music and discussing the lyrics . The Beatles , Simon and Garfunkel , whatever . I 'm not sure they got to Dylan . One day there was something new in the classroom : a stereo system . Now I had at home a thing called a record player , a box about a foot square , with a turntable and an arm and a small speaker built into it . That was how you played records . They sounded all right if that was all you knew . But in this classroom they had a nice big speaker on each side and a decent turntable and amp . And I had no idea what was about to happen to me . We were going to discuss " Revolution " , off the Beatles ' latest album . Lyric sheets were handed out , and we were going to take a few minutes to listen to it first . The stylus dropped and a few seconds into the music SWEET ANGELS MY BRAIN WENT BLANK AND MY HEART EXPLODED . I MEAN IT WAS AMAZING . Sheltered boy , I had never heard rock music played at proper volume over a decent sound system . I COULD HEAR EVERYTHING . The guitars , the drums , the vocals , everything , crystal clear , or at least a hell of a lot clearer than I had ever heard before . Lyrics ? I don 't care about stinking lyrics . I want to hear more music on this INCREDIBLE sound system ! I was so hooked . To this day I want to hear music as loud and thumping as I can stand it . My poor ears . " What 's that ? Eh ? " And mind you , this was " Revolution 1 " , the smooth version on the white album . If they had played the other take of the same song , " Revolution " the B side , with the shouting , distorted guitars and heavy drums , I don 't know what would have happened to me . That explains something about me . It was one of those formative moments . You 're probably waiting to hear about another formative moment , if you 've read the College Stories in some of my previous posts . I didn 't realize it at first , but those stories make it seem as if the main thing I did for four years was check out girls . I am not ashamed of my orientation . After all I could have written about classes I took , or the guy who was my roommate in Carman , but you 'd go to sleep . Anyway I am sure that now you are expecting to hear about the girls I knew in high school . I have three words for you : all , boys , school . There was , for a while , an after - school discussion group about some subject I forget that we could attend together with girls from the remarkably named nearby school Mount Saint Ursula . Of course I did go off on those expeditions . No friendships were formed there , but at least I got to , like , talk to some of them . Ah , now you see where I come from . My after - school activity was the bookstore . One thing I learned that has stuck with me was to keep the pile of bills in the cashbox with all the heads facing the same way . Father Fahey , the Jesuit in charge , kept stressing this . The other day I saw a young cashier in our local supermarket doing exactly the same thing when I handed her a twenty and a few singles . You know what , I usually turn them all the same way myself , but I 've been trying to break free of some little habits I have , so I didn 't do it that day , and then I saw her turning them to make some manager happy . She 's going to blog about it in whatever kind of blog people will have forty years from now , some kind of direct injection to brains I expect . " One thing I learned that has stuck with me " , she will begin , and then have to explain what paper money was . I 'm going to turn my heads the same way from now on , as a kindness to my fellow sufferers . I wonder how many customers do it . The ones who have worked in stores probably do . This isn 't much of a story , is it ? It 's more of a slice of life , full of random moments that maybe add up to something . It 's Azumanga Daioh but with boys and no pictures . Maybe you 'll get a feel for life at Fordham Prep years ago . Maybe not . Some of us were travelling downtown one day . As we were walking through a passage in the subway , our friend Ray asked the rest of us , " Am I hungry ? " Sorry , Ray , that unanswerable question is the thing I remember you for . No , wait , the other thing is that one day Ray brought in an old 78 called the Okeh Laughing Record , and we must have had a record player in the back of the bookstore , because I know we played it . It is what the title says it is . Google the title if you want to hear it . They don 't make them like that any more . I was riding with somebody to school on the Third Avenue El . Only the Bronx portion of it still remained , and it was worked with ancient subway cars from the 1920s that were on their last legs . We got on at 149th St , and at the next station , one of the doors didn 't close . I got up and pushed it shut so the train could start , and at the next stop my friend did the same , and we took turns at each station where it opened on that side . We said nothing about it . It was the el . Pieces of stuff fell off it to the street , doors didn 't close , situation normal . We just wanted the train to make it to our stop . Our car was empty when we got off at Fordham Road . The train was probably stuck for a while at the next station , with no one left to close the door . My best friend in school was Frank . His last name alphabetized right next to mine . That 's how you met people in Catholic schools . You had to sit or stand next to them in alphabetical order all the time , so you might as well talk to them . In grade school sometimes the nuns had us line up in size place instead . Maybe that made a nice visual impression to some artistically inclined authority figure . The catch is that for young kids , size place kept changing . Alphabetical didn 't , except maybe when a new kid showed up . My friend Michael recalls someone in his school who was always last in line , whose name turned out to be Zyzyk . Them 's the breaks , but it 's kind of a distinction though , really , if you think of it . What adventures did I have with Frank ? I don 't know . He worked in the bookstore too , and I guess we left at the same time and took the same bus , but it 's all gone now . I think mainly we kept each other 's spirits up as we survived each day . We were both studious nerds . Oh no , what did I say up there ? " I could have written about classes I took , or the guy who was my roommate in Carman , but you 'd go to sleep . " Sorry , I 'm approaching that now , right ? Uh . . . OK , once we went down to Frank 's father 's office in midtown . He was with P & H , a manufacturer of construction and mining equipment . He had a toy truck on his desk , one of those huge yellow dump trucks they use on earth moving projects . The name P & H stands for Pawling and Harnischfeger . Yeah , Harnischfeger . That 's a great comedy name . The hammer slips and you curse , " Harnischfeger ! " . Or you say a list of things and end with " and a henway , and a harnischfeger " . There are so many possibilities . Oops , did you get to this web page by searching your family name ? I 'm sorry . But , come on . I think my brain is degenerating back to high school humor . Well , that 's my excuse . Look , the athletic field was Coffey Field , and Father Fahey kept referring to it as the Coffey Grounds , and we loved it . That was the stuff . He died in my senior year , a big loss . All of his students loved him . The school arranged a bus trip for us to the Jesuit Seminary in Yorktown for the funeral ceremonies . We thought of him as an old guy . I see from his dates in my yearbook that he was a year younger than I am now , and that 's not old , I swear . Speaking of old guys , one of the best teachers I ever had was Mr McDonough , Geometry , then in his fortieth year of teaching . And he was the opposite of burned out . It was what he loved doing . He taught with great clarity , and besides the logic of Euclidian postulates and constructions and proofs appealed to me . When you gave a good answer in class he gave you a McDonough Funeral Home pencil , a place run by his brother , and he made sure everyone had got at least one pencil by the end of the year . During exams he would get up for a few minutes and do a little soft - shoe number , singing some old pop tune in a soft voice , and then sit down as if nothing unusual had taken place . That 's just about what I would do . He had the Mr Chips tweed jacket and a polite soft - spoken manner , but he was not to be underestimated . Once he was holding a wooden cone , and telling us about how to calculate the volume of cones , when some boy kept talking to his friend in the back . Mr McDonough informed Mr Soandso ( we were all Mr ) that if he didn 't keep quiet he would be asked to sit on the cone , and added that that would shut him up . Big laugh all around . After us he taught ten more years of boys . They made him stop at fifty . I recall another teacher too , Mr Martin , Advanced Placement English , known as Ape . We read Marshall McLuhan , from which my immature brain formed some concept of how the medium is the message . I should be thinking more of how a blog differs from print , shouldn 't I ? These long rambling weekly posts . . . oh never mind . Mr Martin posed the question to us one day , " what is the difference between fiction and non - fiction ? " . One of the usual suspects was called upon . Mr Suchandsuch informed us that the difference was that fiction was not true . " NO ! " , Mr Martin shouted , and he picked up an eraser and threw a fastball to the kid , just missing his head . I vowed to myself never to call fiction untrue . To this day , I will not say it . Huge Hall was our name for the building Fordham Prep was in , Hughes Hall . It wasn 't that big . That 's why we called it Huge . We noticed that the steam radiators had a date in the 1880s cast into them , and being the youngsters we were , with our minds on the present , that seemed too impossibly old to be true . But it was . It was less than a hundred years ago at the time . Some of the classrooms still had the old iron desks attached to the floor , the wooden desktop equipped with a pencil groove and a hole for the ink bottle , the wood worn beautifully smooth by generations of boys . The walls had real slate blackboards . It was a great atmosphere . It reeked of tradition . Hughes was too old to be a steel building . The support system was the external stone walls and a single row of iron columns down the center on the long axis , visible only on the ground floor where space was opened up for a gym . Yes , a gym with padded iron columns within it ! Oof ! The stone wall on the ground floor was three feet thick , making for nice window seats . Some of our classes were in Dealy , once a near - twin building to Hughes but renovated to death with all new interiors , a classroom building shared by the College and the Prep . The Prep at this time was still a school within Fordham University . My class card you can see near the top of this post has quite a few classrooms marked D for Dealy . Huge Hall is now a first - year college dorm . No going back . Παντα ρει και ουδεν μενει . Και ωδε συνεβανικαις . Some of us in Greek class made up that second sentence . It was our " Kilroy was here " . But the catchy rhyming first sentence is " everything flows and nothing stays " , from Heraclitus , roughly 500 BC , by way of Plato . See , I learned a few things there . Heraclitus didn 't seem especially depressed that everything changes , either . He was just saying that 's how it is . My friend Mary finished Barnard College in three years by taking as many courses as possible and working like a demon . It was really quite an achievement . She got top grades too , as if she were just taking a normal course load . That 's why she seemed to be either working or studying all the time . When I mentioned to her that the same course load in Columbia College would have got me out only one semester early , not two , she was not happy with me . I was just making an observation , but in my usual way I had failed to recognize how someone else would feel hearing it . I should have just congratulated her and let her feel good . That would have been the right thing to do . If I had done the right thing , then , later , after the good feeling had settled in , then we could have got into the differences in how our two schools counted credits , and I could show with diagrams and logic how I would have fared taking exactly the same course load . I would wait and do this at the right moment . I don 't know what the right moment would be exactly , but at the right moment . Now if you 're wondering , it was because Barnard counted courses as units , while Columbia assigned points to each course and counted points . My wife , also a Barnard girl , told me later how this worked against science majors . Columbia gave most courses 3 points , a few only 2 , but the awful science courses with lectures , labs , and recitations could run as high as 6 points . But to Barnard girls , each course was one course . I had a big day out with Mary somewhere around here . Where do you think we would go in the world 's most exciting city , New York ? Yes , of course we went to the New York Public Library Research Collection at Fifth and Forty - Second , the place with the lions out front . I loved going there . Mary was working on a term paper . I was reading about the history of the New York subway system . Some small part of the notes I took may have ended up on my Abandoned Stations pages thirty years later . You can see how dedicated we both were to our obsessions . We sat next to each other at a big table and worked quietly for hours . I liked sitting near her . And then we went home . I lived in John Jay . God ! Those long corridors lined with doors , those little rooms with a desk , a bed , and a sink , and those central toilet and shower rooms . You wanted to bang your metal cup on the door until the guards let you out for exercise . It was not a healthy environment . I was only in there to sleep and read . Otherwise I got myself out of the place . As a result I did not know the neighbors much beyond giving each other a nod and a grunt in the hallway . All right , it wasn 't hopeless . No . What would cheer me up was to buy a quart of milk and a package of Nabisco Chocolate Grahams , and sit down with them and read a book . That was nice . When the red and white milk carton was empty , I would save it , and when I had enough of them , I started building a dinosaur . A Tyrannosaurus . It must have been about three feet high when I finished it . It had the big hind legs , the fat body , the little arms , the big head . It was in the bad upright pose we used to think was how they stood . The cartons were mostly intact , but I cut the ends or sides off , with my communist scissors , wherever I needed to , to make them fit . It was held together with masking tape . Fine , but what was going to happen when I had to move out ? Toward the end of the school year , one fine day I brought the dinosaur over to Philosophy Library and sat it on a nearly unused section of desk in the back of the office space . You could see it from the reading room through the little windows . It looked pretty good there I thought . Someone admiring it asked me whether it was a lot of work cleaning the milk out from inside the cartons . No , I said , no problem . I didn 't want to say that I had not thought about it . I think I rinsed them in my little room sink , I 'm not sure . It should have smelled like old cheese , or turned blue from the inside out , but it didn 't . I think . I don 't have a good sense of smell . After a short time it was thought better to have the staff up in the Burgess - Carpenter office admire it , in a more private space , so I moved it up there . It stayed there for some weeks , and then one day it was gone . At least I didn 't have to be the one to throw it out . That last semester , Mary worked Sundays and I did not . One day I had the idea of calling her at the library and asking if she 'd eat supper with me , and she said she would . We went over to the McIntosh Center at Barnard and got burgers . That building is gone now . It had a line of glass doors on the outer wall of the big room we 'd eat in , all marked " this is not a door " because they were only for emergency exits . We ended up doing the same thing for weeks on end . I called her each week as if I just thought of it . She 'd say yes . I would go up to the library desk and walk over with her , and walk her back as far as the outside door of the library . I think we argued about politics sometimes . It didn 't matter . The next week we 'd do it again . Sunday night was kind of a dead zone on campus . I don 't know where everybody went really , but I had just been grabbing something to eat by myself , and so did she I imagine , and now we had somebody to talk to , somebody else in the same boat . It was pretty nice . Then came our last summer . Mary was allowed to work her student job until the end of the summer , so we continued in what we considered normal life . We both ended up living in a building down at 102nd St and Broadway . I was rooming with a Philosophy grad student , Carl . Mary moved down there a little later and did not have a roommate right away . Rachel graduated . I mentioned her in the last story but forgot to say she was a year older , a year ahead of me . I didn 't mention sitting in the grass with her after class a few times , near the end of term when it was warm , her long black hair shining in the sun , and her great smile . Maybe the Nice Jewish Boy thing she was into took all the pressure off , but she was easy to talk to . I wished her well in the end and I do hope she found was she was looking for . She deserved it . I 'm smiling as I write this . Lisa was away that summer , back home living the glamorous life of a Friendly 's waitress . We decided to correspond , and I wrote her more letters than I ever sent to anybody . I should have hers somewhere , because I never intentionally threw them out , but I have not seen them in decades . Maybe it 's better to imagine . I don 't even know what we wrote about any more , except that we got to know each other better than we had done . There were a lot of thunderstorms that hot summer . One day I forgot to bring my umbrella , and was allowed to walk under Mary 's in the pouring rain all the way down to 102d St . The cold raindrops , the steam rising from the pavement , the sun peeking out ready to raise the humidity beyond endurance . We didn 't talk , so we could stand to walk that close . In mid summer our apartments changed roommates . I was the hot potato passed along to fill space , since I wasn 't going to be permanent . Once again I had lined up a nice dorm room for the coming school year . Carl had found a long term roommate , and so I was sent off to Mary 's apartment . Believe it or not . She was out more than I expected though . Weekends , she often left in the morning and wasn 't back till dinner , or after . Weekdays , she got in late sometimes . Then the big guy came by one day and she introduced me . I was actually a little jealous . One magic evening Mary and I were sitting in her room talking about stuff , and she said , " I want to show you something " . She pulled a flat box out from under her bed , lifted the lid , and started removing 8 by 10 black and white photographic prints . She put quite a few of them on the desk and dresser , leaning against the wall , lining up a nice little gallery . They were nature scenes , beautifully done , and they were hers . She had taken them , and developed and printed them , the previous summer when she was away at home . I was knocked out . I had never seen her do anything artistic . She never did much of anything to my knowledge but work and study . And here was this talent that I knew nothing about , expressed only when she had somehow found time for it , during a summer when I assume she was working at some job . The pictures were great . I must have jammered some kind of praise . I sure hope so . I don 't know how many people ever saw them . If it was a rare honor , and I think it was , I thank her for sharing it with me . It was a nice gesture . So what was that about ? Did she want me to tell her how awesome she was ? Did I miss a chance there ? No . I don 't think so . I think the boyfriend was pulling her out of her shell , and she just thought the art history boy would like the photographs that she 'd been maybe too self - conscious to show to people . And she was right about that . I can 't believe this , but I have no memory of moving from there . I don 't even remember by what means I moved my stuff from there to the dorm . This is New York . We didn 't have cars like normal Americans . More importantly I don 't remember ever saying goodbye to Mary . Was she not there the day I left ? Or did we just shrug our shoulders at each other and say " huh , see ya " as I handed her my key ? I haven 't the slightest idea . It should have been a memorable occasion . There was a lot left unsaid . I know only what I thought of her and not what she thought of me . But enough was enough . I could have gone back to visit but I did not . She never looked for me either . It was as if she 'd gone to some distant place . But I think she was there , only a half mile away , for years . I don 't know . It did not bother me then . I was looking forward , and finding new people and new connections . It was only years later that I started to wonder what different course my life could have taken if I had done different things at certain times , and that useless daydream only works when you have forgotten what it was really like . I need to trust my young self , and remember that it did not matter to me then . This is not Mary 's picture . The trouble I go to for this blog : I took this picture in July 2009 in New Jersey , as a pathetic attempt to show you the kind of picture I think Mary took . We might have a laugh someday at how far off this is from what she really did . I think hers had a lake in the background . Lisa came back in September . And I met some new people including somebody really special . Does that help ? I don 't want to bring you down and leave you there . Before we move on , I want to get back to that Anthem song that I linked to in the last college story . What got me onto it was Bob Lefsetz 's blog The Lefsetz Letter back on March 20 , 2009 . As you can see it inspired my title , a blog about the war of yesterday . The title is not just for the college stories . A lot of my stuff is about getting at the truth about the past , exploring how we know what we know , and debunking the misconceptions that turn into history . That 's the war of yesterday . Nobody gets killed , but there 's some disagreement . In my Beach Pneumatic pages for example , I show that the story everyone knows is wrong , and in the Bee Gees book I helped write a few of us straightened out some mythical stories . But I digress . Bob writes about the music business . He stumbled across the song on satellite radio and the words hit him just about as hard as they hit me . Bob wrote , quoting the lyrics : You can research her on the Internet , even though it might be difficult to find her , because she 's changed her last name , to match that of her husband . I admit it , I did it , when I started writing the college stories . Mary did not change her last name , so it wasn 't that hard . The women of my generation did not all change their names . My wife did not , and neither did the woman in a married couple I work with now who are just three years older . And as we met my daughter 's friends ' parents , we kept running into other old parents who didn 't change either . There was one couple with different names , with two children , and the boy had the mother 's last name and the girl had the father 's , a neat concept if you have two kids . Our generation were the weird ones . That went out of style fast . Of course I have changed Mary 's first name , and some other things about her . You got that , right ? The narrator of Drop told you he wrote a biography of Homer G Classics . But it 's still her as far as I 'm concerned . You can make contact , but that would be a mistake . What would you say ? You might be melancholy , you might be looking for something , but chances are they are not . You want to marinate in your memories , you 'd rather dream about what could be , than be confronted with what isn 't . Right . What would I say to her older self ? It 's too long ago . At best we could get together and have a few laughs at what fools we were , or what a fool I was anyway . That would be all right . I 'd get a kick out of doing that with her . That 's all I would want . Besides , Mary is not the girl who got away . I don 't think I had any chances to miss . But the song still touches me somehow , and the comments under it on Youtube show that it has reached many other people too . That 's one of the great things about music . I 've written a lot about music elsewhere . It has a power to touch feelings that words alone do not have . If you would like to hear Eric Lumiere 's song without the dance beat , go to http : / / www . purevolume . com / ericlumiere . In the upper right , where you see the list of songs , mouse over the little triangle under the list , until you scroll it down to " Anthem with strings 2 " . Click on the title . Somehow I prefer the Trance version by Filo and Peri , the one in that video . As Bob writes : It was like the action froze at a rave , and a mindless bopper turned to the camera and started riffing on what he was truly feeling , what he was trying to escape by getting high and dancing like this . That 's life . We rarely say what we 're truly feeling . We move to the beat of our ordinary routines , because that 's easy and everyone is doing it , except that just once in a while , we stop . And that 's when something happens . Whatever it is . This is an anthem for the rebel of my youthMilk carton dinosaur . What the hell ? Why did I do that ? Why do I do half the things I do ? I haven 't changed that much .
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Sorry that I 've not been posting everyday . Just things have been really crazy busy lately . Last weekend we went to Galveston . Monday was a lazy day . Tuesday we spent doing things to get ready for Mark and Jen 's wedding . Today we are getting ready to go on another road trip . Not to mention the other things that we are going to be doing . State Fair , pumpkin patches , and other fall fun . Oh the Science Tech center is opening this weekend . I really thought that I would have more time staying home with the boys but we haven 't really been staying home much . Today the boys and I slept in . So Preston wasn 't interested in his morning nap . He figured out how to get out of his crib . I heard a thud then crying . I ran into the room to see him get up and start running around . I guess we are going to be moving him into a big boy bed . If he is going to start climbing out I would rather it be from a bed that is only a few inches from the ground so he doesn 't get hurt . After nap time the boys were extremely excited because we were about to head out . Just Josh had a ton of stuff to get done at work and he didn 't get to leave early . My parents were also swamped so they didn 't get to leave as early as they wanted to . We eventually all meet up and got the van loaded and head down to the coast . Lesson learned : Mommy needs that hour when the boys are both asleep . Even thought I 'm busy trying to get as much house work that I can get done . It is nice to have the break from the boys . There weren 't a ton of people at story time this week again which was fine with me . Korri stayed with Ethan and played on the computer while Preston and I looked at books . I saw something about story time in a box so I asked the librarian about it . They have several themed boxes that include five books , a CD , a toy , and a hand puppet thing . So basically you can recreate story time in your home all week . I choose a theme that correlates with next weeks lessons . I 'm pretty excited to see how this is going to work . Then we headed out to Bedford . I guess I got there while everyone was at lunch so I ended up not seeing anyone . Oh well maybe next time . Then when the boys got home Ethan was awake and didn 't want to finish his nap . So I didn 't have my downtime to get stuff done around the house and apparently that made me very cranky . Which seemed to make the boys cranky . Then again Ethan was tired so he was cranky too . Getting him ready for skating was not fun . He was being a little pain and when he first got to class he just sat on the ice and refused to do anything . Then I guess they are doing a mini session right now . So there were six more kids in his class . Once they all got on the ice he started participating . I was upset with him because he can skate on his own but since he was in such a mood they left him in the class with the kids that this was their first time on the ice . So he was back on the buckets . Then at one point in the class his teacher took his buckets and slid them across so that he had to actually skate on his own . I think the other parents were afraid that that she was going to do the same to their kids but she didn 't . I do have to brag that this was the first class that he hadn 't had an accident in . He actually told his teacher that he needed to go and held it till I was able to get him to the bathroom . Then we got home and he had an accident . * sigh * We normally put Preston to bed before we lay Ethan down . Since he had an accident and didn 't have his full nap we had Ethan go to bed first . It was a pretty boring day . I had some grand plans of going to the baby story time at the library but Preston seems to have a cold so I didn 't want the other babies to catch it . Then I was going to visit Carter but by the time we got done with our daily lessons it was nap time . After nap time I headed to my parents home to get things from their storage unit . I didn 't get all of the stuff that I wanted to but I did get my books . I didn 't realize that was were my year books for school were . I was dragging this morning so I skipped circle time and just did the lessons . The way to get Ethan down for nap time that I thought I had figured out yesterday didn 't work today . So I had to analyze what I did different . Yesterday I had let Ethan be in his room by himself for about 30 minutes while Preston and I picked up the play room . Then we went in and acted like we were all going to have nap time . There was a new boy in Ethan 's swim class today . So his class is now full . All the new parents in Preston 's class last week were there again today . Josh went in the water with Preston this week . It was nice to actually get to watch the boys in their classes . Ethan did great they are working on rolling over and have them float on his back . Preston did well too . Preston is up to five seconds underwater . Lesson learned : It doesn 't matter if you have the best curriculum if you aren 't actually using it . Last week I slacked off on pushing the preschool stuff . So this week I 'm going to have to double up the lessons to get caught back up . The kids seem pretty tried from the weekend . We did circle time then headed outside . I got the toys out of the shed and it looks like whatever was in there before is back . There are several holes in the floor now . I guess we are going to have to completely redo the floor in the shed . Preston was really cranky so I put him down thirty minutes for his morning nap . He was in a much better mood when he got up . I mention to Josh about how tired Preston was and he informed me that Preston actually woke up several times the night before . The afternoon was fairly calm . I was able to get Ethan down for his nap with minimal issues . Then Preston and I cleaned up the play room . Then it was time for Preston 's nap time . I continued getting stuff done around the house while the boys were out . Then we finished their lessons up after nap time . Josh got home and we headed to the grocery store . We saved 33 % of our bill So I was pretty excited . They changed how they list the digital coupons on the receipt so at first I thought they didn 't use them but after closer inspection they discount them in line a list it as a manufacture coupon . Then it was bed time for the boys . Preston slept for about an hour before we woke up . So we were starting think that he might be teething . So I gave him some medicine and gave him a drink . Then he went back out . An hour and half later he was up again . This time he seemed to be having trouble breathing . That is when we realized that he was congested . We were finally able to get him to go to sleep and stay asleep about 2 : 00am . So Saturday morning started off early ! ! We were out the door before 7 : 00am . We had to be at Oktoberfest in Addison before 8 : 00 when the fun run started . We have been taking Ethan on a path near our house to " train " for the run and we used a ball to keep him interested in running . I decided that there would be to many people around and they would be irritated with a kid kicking a ball during the run . So we left the ball at home and man was I wrong . It would have been fine and Ethan might would have at least walked the mile . Josh did the 5K and finished in 30 minutes . Any race that gives free pretzels and beer after the race can 't be all that bad . It was a lot of fun . Korri went with us to watch Preston while we were all running . Then we headed home for a much needed nap time . Then we headed to the Fieldhouse for a kids event but we left as soon as we got there because they had a band that was playing so loud that we all got head aches immediately . Then we waited for my parents to come over and then we headed out to the Plano Balloon Festival . It was so much fun . Ethan however freaked out about the crowd and would rather stay on the hill where there weren 't as many people . I don 't have a lot of pictures because my battery died . I guess I should mention that on Friday night we went to a play ground and Ethan fell down some metal stairs that lead to the slide . Then on Sunday he was trying to get away from me when I was changing him out of his bathing suit and has a nasty scratch on this bum . Then my parents were playing with him and he was running and tripped over a chair leg and hit his head on the kitchen floor . So he is a little banged up in the pictures . He is okay just has a few scratches on his face and leg . The morning started off us rushing out the door . Josh left his car at skating lessons last night . So we all loaded up in the van to drop him off at the car . However the boys were still hungry so Josh started giving him his breakfast . So I remembered that I had FREE bagel Friday coupons in my purse so we stopped and got some . I do want to pause a moment and explain that just a few years ago I thought bagels were the most disgusting thing on the planet . If there was a morning meeting at work and I was starving I would choke one down . Then I discovered the honey almond smear and my life was changed . However the only time I would have bagels was at work and there was some left over from a meeting . Today when we got our bagels it was the first time that I had a hot toasted one where the smear was melting on it . It was so divine . However Ethan didn 't share my view of the nice hot bagel . While Ethan was busy with making stuff Preston was busy destroying things . Okay Preston just destroyed one thing and that was the house that I built last night with the air - blox . So now they have a tent and a cube to play in . Then Preston was on to the Legos and Rescue Pack that Ethan got for his birthday . Then Preston wanted Ethan 's guitar and that was a complete no . So I gave him his guitar . Then Ethan wanted to play with his guitar . So it was a VarBro concert . Jonas brothers beware there is a new boy band of brothers in the making . I tried to get video of the concert but it was short lived . I 'm so excited story time is back at the library . It wasn 't nearly as crazy as the first story time that I went to . I didn 't feel like the boys and I were going to get trampled . The library has made two minor changes that I think are going to be great . They have someone handing out tickets before the library opens . They also moved the story time back 15 minutes . So now there isn 't the mad dash to get the ticket then get into the story room to get a good seat . Then again there wasn 't as many people there this time . There was defiantly more then the number of kids at the book store 's story time . After story time Ethan and Korri were playing on the computer and one of the librarians thought Ethan was so adorable that they took his picture and had me sign a release to use his image . Preston just wanted to play with the board books and I meet another mom with a kid Preston 's age . I do have to say that all of the moms that I have met around here have been really nice , I was worried about them being stuck up but they aren 't or at least the ones I 've spoken with . Ethan didn 't feel like taking a nap today . So he didn 't actually fall asleep till after Preston woke up . His was shorter than normal . So he was a bit crappy on the way to skating today . He did really great once we got there but apparently I made him walk around to much before class because towards the end of class he was just done and didn 't want to skate anymore . The morning was pretty laid back . The boys took apart the fort that I put together yesterday . I figured when they were both down for a nap that I would make something else . Well Ethan went down for his nap with minimal fight . Then I went to but Preston down . Apparently Preston woke up Ethan but I figured they would both fall asleep in a few minutes . I was wrong . Ethan called me to his room because he needed help going poopie . So I rushed to him and got him on the toilet . Turns out he had already gone and when I was taking his underwear off he flicked his foot and flung the underwear across the bathroom . Not only did he hit the wall with the underwear but also managed to step in it when he flung it . It was one hot mess . I got him cleaned up and put him in the bathtub . Figured a good cleaning is always a good plan . Then while the water was filling up in the tub I got the rest of the bathroom cleaned up . Thank goodness Preston was in bed and not getting into the mess . After he got out of the bath tub he asked if he could play with Play - Doh and it hit me that we didn 't give him all of his presents for his birthday . We had forgotten to wrap three Play - Doh sets that we had gotten weeks ago . Josh and I had discussed just holding on to them till Christmas but my thought is if we could remember from a few weeks ago what would make us remember at Christmas ? So I got out the new sets of dough for him to play with . Ethan played with the Play - Doh for almost three hours ! While Ethan was in Play - Doh land , Preston and I made a different fort and a boat with the air blox that my mom got Ethan . Then he decided that he wanted to try to be vampire baby so I went on a hunt for his pacifiers but it took me over 20 minutes to find one . Seriously where do these things run off to ? For the most part Preston doesn 't use one unless he is sleepy or in a biting mood . We rushed through dinner then headed out because Saturday morning Ethan and I are doing one mile fun run and Josh is doing a 5k . Donations to Wipe Out Kids ' Cancer , ( WOKC ) , a non - profit organization founded in 1980 dedicated to funding pediatric cancer research and supporting pediatric cancer patients and their families , would be appreciated . Plan " A " is for me to take Preston in the stroller and chase Ethan during the run . I was starting to think this isn 't such a good plan so I 'm thinking of investing in one of the backpack leashes . So we finally got everything together and headed out the door with only one stroller . Ethan wasn 't going to leave without a ball which turned out to be a good idea but we would let him have it till we were on the trail . Ethan was going fairly fast kicking the ball and chasing after it . Then we ran into a mom that was on the trail kicking a soccer ball with her two boys . It turns out that her youngest is 3 and named Ethan . Apparently in the other Ethan 's class there is two other boys named Ethan . * Sigh * we completely failed at trying two give Ethan a uncommon . Then we let him play in the park as a reward for doing so well in his " training " . I think the training was more for me to see if I could go a mile with a stroller and Ethan . It turns out that Josh 's race starts 30 minutes after mine . So I think we can finish the mile run in that amount of time because that is a really slow mile . Anyways back to the park there was two other moms . They seemed nice and live just around the corner from us . Maybe we will see them at the park again . During the day we did our lessons . During nap time I was able to put together one of the toys Ethan got . Then we went to swimming class . The class that Preston and I take had grown this week . Normally it is just two babies in the class today there was five . To add to the confusion our normal teacher was out this week . So Preston wasn 't so sure about what was going on so he didn 't really participate until the class was about half over . I did like the temp teacher a lot better then our normal lady but I didn 't like the extra people . Ethan did great in his class . There is a baby resale shop next to the swim school so I ran in to see if they had a double stroller and how their prices were . this store had some of the used items priced higher then what you can buy the stuff for new . Needless to say I didn 't buy anything . The wind was starting to really kick up . It was raining when we got home . Thank goodness Josh cleaned the garage out the night before so there was room for the van . Josh was over the kids shows that are on in the evening and I wanted to be on a network channel in case the weather got worst . Josh picked out Wipeout . He figured it would be a safe show for the kids to see . Man were we wrong . After Ethan got down from eating he started running around the living room then jumping on and off the couch then declaring that he fell into the water and it looked like that one hurt . * sigh * So I put together an course using pillows . Ethan has been difficult to but to bed lately but tonight he only fussed for a few minutes . Then we went to go to bed and found it occupied . But we were able to move him without much fuss . Posted by I was upset before the doctor 's appointment . So during the doctor 's appointment the boys were really upset . Then after Ethan got his shots he was really upset . A little later Ethan told me that he got hurt at Dr . D 's office and he didn 't want to have to go back . The boys were really tired from the day before and took long naps . Then after nap times we played outside till it was time to pick Josh up from work . There was chalk and bubbles all over the place but my batteries died so I wasn 't able to take pictures today . Sorry about not posting on Saturday but all we did was clean and go shopping for the party . I couldn 't figure out how to make that interesting . Sunday morning we actually ended up sleeping in late . We don 't have alarms set for the weekend and normally the kids wake us up before the alarms go off anyways . We went into super getting ready mode . I had a list and we just went down it . Ethan was super excited that we were having his party today so he was being a super excited three year old . My goal was to have the food ready and us all eating at 4 : 00 but apparently I missed judged some of the timing and we were able to eat by 4 : 30 . Which turned out to be a good thing because we had someone get lost on their way and they arrived the same time the food was ready . Josh and I used to have parties or gathering at least once a month but that hasn 't happened in a while so we were really out of practice . I guess we are going to have to do more entertaining again . I think I scared everyone one because I had some store bought hamburger patties and then I had some of my Stacey special recipe patties . I guess I didn 't scare the guest to much because only one of the store bought ones were eaten and only one was left of mine . I guess I should take a moment to thank everyone who came with such short notice . My parents , my grandmother , Korri , Mark , Jen , Patti , Sam , Mike , and Josh 's dad . I didn 't have time to blow up the balloons and hang the decorations before people started arriving . So I asked the party guest if they would mind help with the balloons while I finished the food . It looked like they were having a great time using the helium tank and it kept them entertained while I was rushing around . After we ate it was present time . Ethan enjoyed all the gifts . There was only one duplicate gift but Ethan didn 't care he wanted both of them opened . So we had to hide the second one . Then it was on to cake and ice cream . This is when I freaked Korri out because I made my own ice cream . Then again we met when there was eight of us in a Then we were all just sitting , talking , and playing with boys and the new toys . At one point the conversation turned to thepeopleofwalmart . com . So a laptop got pulled out and the part went to a whole new direction . So to change the topic Josh wanted me to show Patti some videos that I had discovered this week by Anita Renfroe . Then we went to Autotune the news . I was laughing so hard I was crying . Before we knew it , it was after nine o ' clock and several people had over an hour drive home . So I woke up this morning not feeling the greatest but there isn 't any calling in sick for me . I 'm just glad that I 'm feeling better now . I 'm being a bad mom because I 'm trying to get everything ready for the party on Sunday . So I 'm letting the boys be couch potatoes this morning . I was hoping to get a lot accomplished during the hour both kids are asleep . No such luck . Preston normally goes down without a problem . I can normally tell him it is nap time he will grab his blanket and head up the stairs . Then go straight to his bed . Today he started off like he normally does but then he got distracted by the tunnel in the playroom . Then he started cry and when we walked in to the boys bedroom his crying scared Ethan right out of bed . Yes Ethan fell out so then he started crying . So I got Preston in his bed and Ethan was over nap time . So it was time to prepare dinner . First step in my process to start meal time is to put Preston in the play yard so that he won 't harm himself or Ethan . When I picked him up his diaper was very ripe . So I was in the middle of changing him when Ethan announces that he needs to go . Ethan is wearing overalls that he can 't get out of by himself . * sigh * Yes he was very wet and poopy by the time I got to the restroom but I noticed there wasn 't the normal puddle to coincide with his wetness . I got him cleaned up and was headed to the trash when I found the puddle . Preston was headed towards it with the parachute . Luckily I was able to grab the parachute and lift it off the ground just before Preston ran threw it . So I guess dinner is going to be plan B . My parents came over to drop stuff off for the party on Sunday and to watch the boys so that we could do serious cleaning . The last of the border is off in the kitchen and all the blue tape from when we scraped the ceilings . I love learning toddler speak because it is unique to every child so there isn 't just a parent to toddler translation you can fine . Today I learned that Toot ! Toot ! means I would love to watch the Wiggles please . I would love to hear others favorite toddler to adult translations in the comment section . Okay I normally don 't feed Ethan sugar before bed but it was his birthday and we had the mouth watering delicious cupcakes from Dimples . It is a shame that I 'm not doing these cupcakes any justice about how sinfully wonderful they are . Ethan didn 't actually fall asleep last night till about midnight , at least he left his brother alone . I suspect that he either woke up in the middle of the night or I just was so tried when I went to bed last night , but someone ( I 'm guessing Ethan ) got into my lipsticks . There were little bits rubbed into the carpeting and lipstick tubes laying about this morning when I got up . I was pretty tried but I really think I would have at least kicked one of the lipsticks last night before bed . At this point it really doesn 't matter if it was in the middle of the night or before he fell asleep . Just this morning he was really tired and cranky and I have a mess to clean up . Korri came over about 10 : 00 today because I saw a local book store was having a story time at 11 : 00 . She came over early so that I could take a much needed shower . Apparently Ethan let her know that he need to go potty while I was bathing . So Korri help Ethan on the toilet and things were looking good . He told her that he was done and jumped down . While she was assisting him with hand washing . Ethan used this opportunity to finish going potty . Korri had done a good job cleaning up before I got dressed and could assist . * sigh * This is when the meltdown started . Ethan didn 't want to put on the clean clothes . He didn 't want to put his toys up so that we could leave . He didn 't want the TV to be turned off . Most defiantly didn 't want to put his shoes on nor try going potty again . While I was looking for my keys and putting my shoes on he was letting me know how none of this was making him a happy boy . We were finally able to all get loaded up in the van and head to the book store . We did get there a little late , but I figured it was at a store and their story times don 't seem to attract as many people . Korri used to work at a book store told me one time the store she worked at organized a story time and the employees even provided the kids that were there . I was correct there was maybe ten kids that were there . They had cookies and a cow to color then assemble . Ethan loved using the safety scissors but Preston was over playing on the train table . So Ethan needed to be over there instead . When we first got to the table there was two other kids that were playing and there seemed to be enough train parts for all the kids . As more of the kids finished their projects they were coming over to play with the trains too . * WARNING * I 'm about to rant * WARNING * Even as the kids were filtering over to the train table there were enough train parts for all the kids but there was one child that had two pieces and as he was pushing the two train pieces around the track the second one kept falling over . The child would start crying and the mom would rush over and put the two pieces back together . Since he had two pieces there was one child that didn 't have any . Did the mom of the kid with the two pieces make her child share , nope . She just kept putting his two pieces back together . Making all the other kids fight over the left over pieces . One of the moms got so fed up with the situation she just bought her daughter her own train piece . Then the fighting stopped . I 'm sorry it would have been a perfect teachable moment for the kid that was obviously an only child about sharing . * rant over * We stayed at the mall for lunch . Korri and I were discussing that when parents are in public how much it feels like we are being judged . Then it hit me because we are being judged . I just judged that mom at the book store and she was probably trying to prevent a complete meltdown . While we were eating I felt like I was being judged on how well my boys were or were not behaving . A lot of times is feels like there are all these perfect parents that handle taking their kids out in public without and stress or headaches . Here I am just trying to figure out how does this easy open stroller work again ? Then again most stay at home moms start staying home from the beginning when their baby is first born . They adjust their system as the kids grows . Let me tell you when Ethan was a baby we took him everywhere . It was easy because he wouldn 't fuss about being strapped in the car seat he was happy and snug and it wasn 't like he was going to move anyways . Then once he started figuring out how to move that is when it wasn 't as easy . So we started going out less and less . Now I have to figure out how to deal with both boys on my own in public kind of midstream . Once I get advice from other moms that seem to have it a lot more together then I do it is like , duh I knew that . I 'm still very much in the frustrated how do I keep my kids from running off in two different directions when I 'm in public stage . At one point Ethan did run off from the train table but Korri was able to watch Preston while I did the mile dash to get Ethan . I was freaked out for a second because I lost visual of Ethan for a moment but there was only one way the isle went and as soon as I turned the corner he was there . If I would of had to grab Preston then chase after Ethan he would have gotten farther away before I started my chase and he could have actually gotten away . Then again he wouldn 't have been the first lost child in a store . Just that second really freaked me out . Once we got back home the boys we straight to bed . Korri and I had a nice visit . Then she had to go and finish some homework before she went to work . After the boys woke up from their naps we did all of the lessons for the day . Then it was off to ice skating for Ethan . I don 't know what happened but by the time we got there and got Ethan changed and his skates on the class had already started . He took the first fiftenn minutes of the thirty minute class getting used to the skates . The first half o the class he had to use the buckets and wouldn 't hardly do anything . At the end of the class he was actually moving on the ice by himself . They sing some bubble gum song at the end of class and he was standing and doing most of the actions by himself for a little bit . Then once class was over he was walking around on the skates like there wasn 't anything to it . He even started jumping in the skates . I guess I know that I need to be there and have his skates on for at least fifteen minutes before the class begins . There was a book that I wanted at the book store that I didn 't buy this morning . So we headed over and got a little side tracked on the way . We stopped at the Lego store and my sister told me to puck something up for Ethan while we were there . ( She called to wish him a happy birthday while we were in the store ) Then we headed over to the book store and they played with the trains again . Which just reinforced Josh 's opinion that we need to get the boys a train table for Christmas . The we headed home . All in all it was a good day . I 'm tired buy still have some major cleaning to do before the party on Sunday . Random thoughts : I know a double stroller would really make my life a million times easier when I do try to venture out on my own . Just they are so big and harder to maneuver then a regular stroller . I really don 't want to spend the money on another stroller . I really need to check out some resale / consignment shops for one . I guess we are just going to have four strollers in the back of the van . Right now we always have two . One is a big travel system stroller and one is an umbrella stroller . The boys fight to be in the big stroller because it is more comfortable . We do have a second big stroller but it is still in storage and once we make a storage run it is going to live in the van too . There have been times that I do put both boys into the big stroller if it is just me . For the most part they do well but if it is going to be longer then just a few minutes that is when fighting starts . If I had a double stroller then I could go shopping and other events without relying on another adult to be there . Then the question becomes would I really adventure out on my own if I did have a double stroller ? Maybe . I am doing better about being prepared with snacks and toys , but I haven 't figured out where my wall is or the boys wall . You know that point where you are just done that is the wall that I 'm referring to . I guess that is what I really need to figure out before I plan some grand adventure with the boys by myselfPosted by Lesson learned : Ethan is the king of guitars . ( life according to Ethan ) We were woken up at 6 : 00am to find Ethan in the crib with Preston . The boys were both really cranky this morning , I think Ethan kept them up most of the night playing . We had left Josh 's car at swimming so I had to drop him off this morning . Preston was asleep before we got to the swimming school . He seems to be in a better mood since the nap in the car this morning . This is the second time that a hurricane has forced us to have Ethan 's birthday inside . The first hurricane was on this first birthday . Josh 's mom was in from out of town and we packed bags because we weren 't sure if we would be able to drive home from my parents house . My parents even bought a generator just in case the power went out . Several people didn 't show up to the party because of it . At least this time the hurricane hit early and we aren 't going to have to change plans the day of the party . It just is sad that he loves playing baseball and he isn 't going to get to play on his actual birthday or for his party . I think he love hitting the ball and people cheer and where as when he normally hits things he gets in trouble . I do have to say that because it has been raining so much that the hunters haven 't been out . I do have to take a moment to clarify , I don 't have a problem with the hunters I have an issue with it sounding like I live in a war zone . Actually I feel safer with people running around with guns that have licenses and are using them properly near by . What did Robert A . Heinlein say , " An armed society is a polite society . " It is also cutting down on the amount of droppings I have to clean off my vehicle . : - ) Another question that I have been getting lately is am I planning to home school . The answer is no . The reason that I am doing a preschool curriculum for two reasons . The first reason is having planned activities during the day helps keep the kids from being couch potatoes and from getting bored . So it keeps me less stressed because the kids aren 't constantly asking what is next , or getting into things that they shouldn 't be . The second reason is because the daycare that the boys had been in started a preschool curriculum at two . So Ethan had already had a year of instruction and I don 't want that to go to waste . We still haven 't decided if we are going to do public or private school yet but in either case I think the boys will be more challenged then what I could do . I feel confident that IEthan didn 't want to leave but we didn 't have any diapers in the diaper bag . Oops , I guess I had forgotten to check it before we left . Preston had already used the last pull - up we had so he was wearing one of the plastic training pants . Josh said that it looked like he had on clown pants and that if he did anything it was going to leak everywhere . Not to mention that we still had presents and cupcakes at home waiting ! Aunt Cherie called while we were at the Gatti - town . So we called her back on the way home . While Ethan was on the phone with her Papa Will called so Ethan was talking to both of them at the same time . Then he started playing games on the phone instead of talking . Once we got home we gave him his presents . A helmet , drum sticks , and roller skates . We got him the drum sticks because Preston had chewed the tips off the sticks that came with the drum set Ethan got for Christmas . It took Ethan less then five seconds to break the drum heads with his new sticks . * sigh * I think the helmet and skates are self explanatory . The skate we got are really cool . They start off where the back wheels like regular skates then there is one wheel in the front . Then you can adjust the wheels to be inline skates once the Ethan gets more stable . I don 't think it is going to take him that long because he was starting to get around on his own already . Waiting for the sirens to stop ! ! This is Ethan on the ship ride . Sorry the picture is so fuzzy but it is actually the best one I got . I didn 't realize how bad it was until now . Oooh so yummy ! ! Josh and I split the bottom one and didn 't eat half of it ! ! ! I used today to play catch up on some of the lessons that we didn 't get to last week . Plus I 'm getting the finishing touches on the grandparents day gift . I didn 't realize how time consuming this project was going to be . Granted if it was just one or two of the gifts it wouldn 't have been a big deal but I had the bright idea of doing it for the great grandparents . So we are doing SEVEN of the gifts . Josh took his first swimming class today . Apparently it was harder then he thought it was going to be . I know that he will be swimming circles around me in no time . The boys didn 't want to wake up from their afternoon naps . I tried twice to wake them up . On a normal day I would have tried harder but since we have swimming tonight I 'm not that worried about them not being tired tonight . Apparently I 'm not the only who has issues with the dove hunting , Josh assures me that the hunters are using pellets . So even if something did travel into our yard that it wouldn 't be any worst then if Ethan threw a bunch of pebbles . So once the rain stops and the ground drys out a little then I 'll let the boys out to play . . . Yesterday we went over to my parents home . Patti and Sam came over and played with the boys . After Patti , Sam , and my grandmother left , we left Ethan with my dad and went shopping for Ethan 's birthday . We are having a party next weekend . We went to a sport store looking for a bike and roller blades for Ethan but they didn 't have anything small enough . Then we headed off to Toys R Us and we had a lot of success . They had a bike , roller blades , and lots of other things that Ethan really doesn 't need . : - ) Today we are still at my parents house . I 'm finally getting to use the ice cream maker that Mark and Jen got us for our wedding . I made chocolate ice cream , it was so creamy and yummy . Patti made the best banana pudding and my grandmother made brownies . I think I gained 20 pounds today . After we ate we played bean bag toss . Then we were all hot so it was time to go swimming . Man the s water cooled us off fast . It was twenty degrees cooler then it was the last time we went swimming . Nobody turned purple but we all were shivering . So we made Ethan go inside and he was not a happy camper . It is sad to think that it was probably the last time we were going to be in my parents pool this summer . Then again isn 't Labor Day the official end of summer ? * sigh * It was great just having a relaxing day without a lot of stress . That reminds me I did finally come up with a decision about Ethan 's birthday , it is going to be on Sunday at 3 : 30 . I guess that is going to mean I cleaning my house all week . So sorry that I haven 't been posting daily . Things have been CRAZY ! ! Josh is doing the bug fixes on his side project so hopefully that will be wrapped up soon and I 'll have more computer time . Tuesday : My mom came over and we went shopping , anyone who knows my mom is completely shocked , my mom is the queen of the shop - a - lics . Actually the shocking part was we went shopping for office supplies . Staples had a really great sale and I had coupons too . They had 200 count construction paper for TWO DOLLARS and no limit ! So I stocked up ! Tuesdays are our new swimming day . Josh got out of work late so I took Preston in the water . Preston did amazing , he was a happy boy and was doing everything the teacher wanted him to do . I couldn 't keep an eye on Ethan but Josh told me that he did well too . We told Ethan that if he could go 24 hours without an accident that we would take him to Chuck E . Cheese . He had three accidents right before bed . Wednesday : The boys have given up on sleeping ! Dove hunting season began . Until this day I had no idea about dove hunting but apparently it is very popular in Frisco so now it sounds like I live in the middle of a war zone . Call me paranoid but with all the gun fire going off around me , I 'm concerned about stray bullets so that means no outside time for the boys . According to city ordinances you are allowed to hunt 600 feet away from residential dwellings . A bullet can travel how far ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! I 've just never lived anywhere before that I had to deal with gunfire before . So I 'm a little freaked out by the whole thing . We also started the new curriculum . I 'm really impressed so far but I 'm not willing to buy a whole year 's worth yet . I did realize I 'm short two days of lesson plans for the number of weekdays this month . Then it hit me we have a holiday next Monday and there should be a field trip day . I can see why some of the reviews of the curriculum online said that you can make it through the lesson plan in about 30 minutes with one child . The discussions don 't last as long when there is only one child . As long as there is an actual transition between the lessons and you don 't just run through them it can fill up the entire day . I also go a community calendar in the mail today and it says the library is having story time this week ! Potty training update : Ethan didn 't have any accidents . At one point he jumped up and said that he wanted to go to Chuck E . Cheese then ran to the restroom and did his business . Thursday : Kori didn 't come over today . She had a friend come home for Australia yesterday so she wanted to see her other friend . I completely understand . I was like can I go and hear about what she did in Australia ? When I was there I only was in the state of Victoria and mainly in the city of Melbourne . Man I really want to go to Sydney . Anyways back to my life . . Ice skating . Nana and Papa came and watched Ethan 's lesson . Words can not describe how much better Ethan did this week . He left last weeks lesson noToday : We actually didn 't get up till 8 : 00 this morning . Josh went running out the door . Then it hit me that Kori was going to becoming over today and if we were going to make it for story time we needed to leave by 9 : 15 . Okay we can leave later but I do like being the first in line so I don 't have to stress if we are going to get a ticket or not for story time . So I started running around like a crazy person trying to get the boys ready to go . I couldn 't actually get a hold of Kori so I tried again she finally answered . Sorry about waking her up . We agreed to meet up later . We didn 't actually make it on the road till it was time for story time to start . Oops . I just had a feeling that the literature from the library was going to be a little more accurate then the calendar that I received . There are some recommended books that correlate with this months theme so I was going to check them out anyways . I was putting Preston in the stroller when Ethan started saying that he need to go to the potty ! ! Yikes ! I had no clue where the nearest restroom was . So I rushed us in found a restroom and got Ethan on the toilet without incident . Then we went to the kids section and anytime Ethan gets in a room full of books his little head explodes with excitement . So he was running around and not listening . Then finally I was able to get him to sit down with a book and I read one page before he was up again . So I put him in the stroller with Preston and was just going to get the books off my list . Where is my list ? ? ? It got left in the van during the great bathroom rush . So I told Ethan that he had to start listening or we were going to leave once we got to the van . Well we ended up coming back home . Amazingly we were gone for an hour . I don 't know where the hour went because it felt like we were there for only a minute . Preston went down for his nap and Ethan chilled for a little bit . Once Preston woke up we started circle time . Potty training update : Ethan did have one accident today not because he didn 't tell me that he needed to go but he refused to pull down his pants . Why in the world did I think that this would have only taken a week ? I guess I didn 't realize how stubborn / lazy Ethan really is . Preston is wanting to use the potty now . So hopefully the second time around is going to be a lot smoother . Dove hunting update : The hunters have moved a little farther from the house but not by much . So the popping noise doesn 't sound like it is right outside our front door .
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Posted on March 31 , 2017 by Chris Page Clarice glared out her window at the trees that surrounded the house . It had been her grandfather 's , once upon a time , and it still had that old people smell . He passed away during the summer and now her entire vacation was shot to hell . Instead of hanging out at the pool and driving around with her friends , she was stuck in this run down old shack with her parents for three excruciating months . It was the type of place that couldn 't get pizza delivery . Clarice wasn 't even sure if the town had a pizza place . The TV barely worked and cell phone reception was almost non - existent . The internet was probably still just a rumor around here . The nearest neighbor was three miles away on the other side of a bunch of orange trees . She didn 't mind the distance , but she hated the fucking trees . Her nose had started running and her eyes puffed up before they even made it to the end of the driveway . A never ending stream of snot and tears . The house itself sagged in the summer heat like a bitchy old lady , shedding long flakes of blue paint . For the last two weeks , she hid herself in her room and tried to avoid any human contact . The only time she came downstairs was for food and to take more allergy medicine . When they first saw the place , her mother let out a low whistle and said it had " charm " . Her father nudged her and whispered , " That means it needs a ton of work , Clarice 's Pieces . " Clarice rolled her eyes . As if the nickname wasn 't bad enough , the joke was pure parent . If you laughed at their jokes , they might start thinking you were their friend , and the last thing she wanted was friendly parents . She laid in bed at night , listening to them snoring in the next room and hating them for being able to sleep . If she was going to spend her summers in a small town at the ass - end of the map , at least she should be able to sleep . She stared at the shadows on the walls until she eventually drifted off . But she never stayed asleep for too long . Her dreams were filled with grasping roots sliding along the outsides of the walls , trying to find a way in . They had to hire some contractors to fix things up before they could sell it . At first her father seemed to think that he could do a lot of the repairs himself . He 'd even bought a tool belt and a few tools at the hardware store in town . Watching him stand there , examining the dry wall with his bright shiny tools , Clarice thought he looked like an idiot . He 'd tried to build a spice rack two years ago that almost killed the cat . " If you want it done right , you have to pay someone who knows what they 're doing ! " her mother yelled one night . Her father just sighed loudly . Most of their conversations seemed to go that way lately . Today 's contractor was a plumber . He was old , fat , and smelled like Old Spice . Staring at him , Clarice 's mind stuck on the thought , " They don 't make ' em like that anymore . " She let it roll through her head a couple of times while biting back a giggle , then went to her room to avoid having to talk to anyone . Clarice stared at the walls around her . She pictured roots crawling through the insides , wrapping the house in a network of branches . Down below , her father said something that she couldn 't quite make out , and the plumber grunted in response . " Tricky little fuckers , " he said . " Especially out in these parts . You 'll want to make sure that you clear them out straight away . You don 't want them creeping in on you . " Clarice moved closer to the stairs now . The plumber was standing just inside the front door . Her father was in the hall , looking confused and clueless . She could see him calculating just how much this was going to cost him to fix . It was hard not to scream at him just to pay the man what he was asking for and be done with it . The plumber nodded to himself , as if he was thinking the same thing . " Yep , " he said , rotating each arm carefully , the shoulders grinding loud enough that she could hear them from the stairs . " They 'll sneak up on you if you aren 't careful . Got some stuff in the truck you can use to clear ' em out if you want . " " You could do that , " the plumber said , nodding his head a little . " But that cheap , manufactured shit won 't do much for your problem here . You 're new in town , so maybe you don 't know how tricky these things can get - " " It 's just a few roots , " her father interrupted . Clarice sighed . It was the same voice he 'd used with her mother when he wanted to feel capable . " I 'm pretty sure I can handle dumping some chemicals in the toilet to fix the problem . " The plumber waved at the trees that surrounded the house . " This ain 't a problem that chemicals can fix , " he said . " You need someone who knows what they 're doing . " Her father set his jaw and glared . They stood like that for a moment , staring at each other . Finally , the old man shook his head and shuffled out of the hall . Clarice hurried back up to her room and watched as he made his way back to his pickup truck . He looked back at the house once , right before he left , and she thought he might have waved at her . It was hard to tell . Then he shook his head again and drove off down the gravel road towards town . She glanced out into the bathroom across the hall and tried not to think about roots crawling up through the toilet , or reaching for her while she washed her hair in the shower . Down below , her dad was muttering to himself . Clarice tried to block out the thoughts by shutting the door , promising to keep a mental note of every crack and lump in the walls around her . That night , they ate dinner in silence . At home , there had been music and jokes . This house seemed to pull the energy from anyone who set foot in it . Even the contractors seemed to get worn out after a few hours . Clarice wondered if her grandfather had the same root trouble they were having now . The trees that seemed to get closer to the house every day gave her a pretty good idea . " The doctor said it was a stroke , " her father said . " By the time they found him , it was far too late . " They all sat silently for a moment absorbing that knowledge . " He loved this house , and these trees , " her mother added . " I remember him buying the place right before Mom died . She said they were finally happy here . " Clarice watched her mother dab tears from her eyes with a napkin . Her father leaned in and whispered something in her mother 's ear that made them both smile . She wondered when the last time was that this house had seen a genuine smile . They both looked at Clarice . As tempting as ice cream was , her face was still puffy from the pollen and she could barely keep her eyes open . She fought back a yawn , and pushed some food around her plate . They both nodded and went back to eating . Nobody said a word . When Clarice could barely keep her eyes open , she excused herself from the table and went upstairs . The trees had stopped scratching at the windows , and for a moment , it was easy to enjoy the quiet . " The poison must have worked , " she thought , as she changed into her pajamas . Her father would be so happy that he finally did something right . Maybe if they pushed the trees back from the house , she 'd be able to sleep a little better . Clarice was brushing her teeth in the bathroom , when something brushed against her foot . At first she thought she 'd imagined it , just a gentle caress against her bare skin . Then a sharp pain dug into her heel . She fell to the floor with a scream . Her head banged against the tile hard enough to stun her a little . The roots spread across the bathroom floor . Clarice tried to back away from the one that had dug into her ankle . More came up from the toilet and bathtub , sharp pain ripped through her arms and legs as more roots buried themselves deep inside her skin . Slowly , they inched up her arms and legs . More plunged into her back . She could see her grandfather tending to the trees . Small animals at first : a few squirrels , then a cat or a stray dog . Then , a red - headed child pinned to the wall as the roots drained him dry . Her grandfather watching from the doorway , tears streaming down his face . She felt the hunger of the trees . Desire crept through her , a desperate need for blood . One child wouldn 't have been enough , she knew that now . The trees wanted more . Demanded more . Her grandfather sacrificed the only thing he had : his wife . The taste of her blood called out to Clarice through the years . Even in the visions , Clarice could tell that he was not a kind man . He had a hard - bitten look to him . Thin like a rail , with skin that had browned in the sun until he looked like he was carved out of wood . His mouth was fixed in a permanent scowl , the lines printed in his face . He didn 't look like a man that knew how to laugh . Her mother hadn 't spoken of him until he died . And even then , it was about the house and how they needed to fix it up . Clarice had never thought to ask about it . She just assumed that he was old and that was it . People stopped talking to their parents when they got old . That was life . Tendrils dug into her scalp , lifting up her hair as they caressed her skull . She wanted to call out to her parents . Tell them to get away from the house , to leave now while they had a chance . In the distance , she heard them calling up the stairs to see if she was okay . The best she could do was moan slightly . Thousands of roots shivered under her skin and slowly pulled her back towards the wall . Clarice tried to take a breath , but the roots filled her lungs . They fed oxygen to her body while slowly wrapping her in their warm embrace . Her mouth was forced open and she heard her own voice say , " I 'm okay ! Can you come here a minute ? " Posted on October 28 , 2016 by Chris Page The car was parked down the block near the greenbelt . The tiny splash of nature at the end of the street had always given his husband the creeps . Nick liked it so he let Alan park in the driveway . Nights like tonight though , he kicked himself for it . It wasn 't cold enough to snow , but the air had a damp chill that burrowed right into his bones . The car would be just as cold . It took forever to heat up nowadays , but with the house needing a new roof , and an adoption to consider , things had to fall by the wayside . When Nick pulled the keys from his pocket , they slid through his fingers and dropped right into a puddle on the side of the road . " Goddammit , " he muttered . as he knelt down to pick them up . Before he could grab the keys , a pale hand slid up out of the water and caressed his fingers . He jerked back from the puddle . The keys sat in the shallow water , only getting colder . " Too many hours at work , " he thought . " You have to take better care of yourself . " Nick fished the keys out of the puddle with a shudder and got to the car . It had seen better days , but for a twenty - year old import , it ran remarkably well . He had just settled into the driver 's seat , shivering and wishing for a better heater , when he saw her . She stared out at him from the cover of the bushes . Her thin t - shirt and jeans were definitely not suitable for the icy weather . Nick wanted to get out of the car , but something inside of him made him stay put . There was no way that she knew he 'd seen her . He could just drive away . He started the ignition , and the heater roared and spit out cold air . With shaking hands , Nick switched the fan off . A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the woman had disappeared . " Probably just some junkie , " he muttered . " This neighborhood 's going to shit . " He tried to reach over and shift into drive , but his hand was locked to the wheel . Her voice cut through the air like a rusty knife . Nick stared straight ahead . He didn 't want to make eye contact with her . Didn 't want to see the small chunks of ice in her hair , or the skin that hung loosely from her body . He glared at his hand , trying to will the fingers to let go of the wheel . She slapped the window again , and the car shook . The car shook again as she slapped the window a second time . For a skinny woman , she was incredibly strong . Wet handprints shone on the glass . She leaned forward , staring in at him . " Don 't fucking lie to me , Peter . Just tell me where you go . " Nick leaned back away from the window . He could see his own breath in the cold air ; hers wasn 't visible . She pressed her face against the glass , staring in at him . Her skin had begun to rot , sliding away from her face in places as it moved against the glass . Frost formed on the glass where her hands touched it . Nick closed his eyes , and started to pray . He hadn 't been to church in years , but he promised that he 'd start going again every Sunday if he just got out of this . He thought about Alan waiting inside for him . It was late . He was probably already in bed , reading a book . Alan had never really liked Nick 's late night drives but he had learned to accept them . Nick wouldn 't be missed for an hour at least . He jumped . She was sitting behind him now , fingers grazing his neck . Her skin was cold and damp . His eyes moved on their own , looking in the rear view mirror . Her head was cocked at a slight angle . She seemed more confused than angry . " I just drive , " he said , hating the way his voice shook . " I don 't go anywhere . All I do is drive . It helps me sleep . " " My name is Nick , " he said , his teeth chattering as he spoke . " My husband is Alan . We 're going to have a baby soon . " " We had a baby . A little girl . She 's alone now . " Her fingers slid around his neck . Her grip was loose . Nick wasn 't sure if his shirt was wet from her skin or soaked through with sweat . Tears streamed down his face . " It 's all your fault . " " Why did you hurt me ? " she asked again , her voice breaking slightly . Her grip tightened . Not enough to stop his breath , but just enough to make the threat of asphyxiation stick . Nick desperately wanted to reach up and pry the fingers from around his throat , but his hands still wouldn 't move . Her anger flowed through his skin like an electrical current . Nick felt her argument with Peter , the rage overpowering all of his senses . There had been shouting , and things were thrown . This wasn 't the first of these fights . She had been so sure the neighbors would call the cops this time . Dishes had been thrown . Now there was pain . Her hands touched her stomach and came up bloody . She had run from the house , not long after the fight had begun . Peter yelled for her in the night . Her bare feet slapped against the pavement . The driver never stopped , even after she rolled up onto the hood of the car , the glass shattering beneath her body . The air tasted red , the coppery flavor of blood . " Colors don 't have a taste , " he thought , trying not to choke on it . Every joint felt like it had been filled with broken glass . He felt her dragging herself to the greenbelt , too scared to go home . She had died in the woods like a wounded animal . The fingers released his neck . He risked a quick glance in the mirror . She sat in the back seat of the car , hands still stretched forward . Dark bruises covered his neck . Slowly , Nick opened the car door and eased the key from the ignition . He ran back towards the house where his husband was waiting for him . His keys fell from his numbed fingers in the puddle again , but he didn 't care . The only thing he wanted was to get home , to find the safe embrace of someone who loved him . Posted on June 24 , 2016 by Chris Page Marion pulled another tooth from her shoulder with the pliers and winced . Three long teeth rested on the bathroom counter . She could hear Gary banging against the garage door . Taking a deep breath , she gritted her teeth and pulled out the last one . She dabbed peroxide onto the fresh wounds , biting her lip as it sizzled . There were going to be scars , of course , but she already had a matching set on her side and her leg . Marion offered up a silent prayer as she tightened the bandage around her shoulder . She didn 't know if she was praying for herself or Gary , anymore . She just needed it to be over . Fighting the urge to check on him , she went into the bedroom and turned up the volume on the TV as high as it could go . Blinking back tears , she reminded herself that it was still summer . He wouldn 't freeze out there . Marion was just settling down on the bed when the house plunged into darkness . Silence filled the air , the only sound was the thudding of her heart in her chest . It was too much to hope that Gary had tired himself out . He must have found the circuit breaker . She held her breath and waited . There was a loud crash as he threw his weight against the wooden door . She counted back through the steps she 'd taken to lock him in . Both deadbolts were secure . The bar had been placed over the door . There was no way he could get through . The windows had been boarded over , and the door would hold him til morning . Still , something was wrong . She hurried to the kitchen to grab a knife . It wouldn 't help against Gary , but the small bit of reassurance it gave her was better than nothing . Holding her breath , Marion moved slowly towards the door leading to the garage . Everything was still in place . A soft shuffling came from the other side of the door . There was a loud bang as the drywall in front of her pushed out from the wall . Marion froze , watching Gary 's blood - stained fist force its way through . His body followed , squeezing and contorting through the hole before falling into the hallway . Backing away , she held the knife in front of her with shaking hands . Gary craned his head up and sniffed the air . His jaw unhinged , and even in the darkened house she could see the rows of teeth that lined the roof of his mouth . The sandy brown hair on his head had fallen out in clumps , revealing slick patches of black skin . He crawled towards her , saliva dribbling to the floor from his mouth . His back rose and fell sharply with each breath , the muscles shifting under the skin . Moving faster than she expected , he grabbed her ankle . Marion crashed to the ground and he was on top of her . His big blue eyes stared into hers , and she saw the fear in them . A low keening whimper came from inside of him , even as his fingers dug into her shoulders . Marion felt the sharp pain from the earlier bite as the wounds split open . Gary lunged forward and she jammed her forearm between his teeth . He clamped down on it , and she fought back a scream as the skin bubbled where the saliva touched it . Before she could think , Marion shoved the knife up into his ribs with her other hand . Gary shuddered and collapsed . His jaw relaxed and he released her arm . Looking up at him , she saw the look of pain and betrayal in his eyes . It took a few tries to slide out from under him . He grabbed at the knife , trying to pull it out of his body , but only succeeded in making the wound larger . She leaned against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe . Marion knew he would recover , just as he had from the dozens of other wounds she 'd inflicted . A sharp , violent shock always seemed to slow him down . Forcing herself to get up , she grabbed his foot and began dragging him back to the garage . It was the longest half hour of her life . Every few feet she 'd have to stop and rest . Gary would snarl at her , occasionally snapping his jaws . He weighed so much more in this state . When she got him back to the garage door , she sighed at the trail of thick black blood on the carpet . Pulling him into the garage , Marion shivered a little despite the warm evening air . Taking several deep breaths , she hauled Gary in behind her . There was too much to do before he healed up again . She tried to force the panic to the back of her mind , get control of her shaking hands . She gave him one last glance on her way out the door . Every night he seemed to get worse . Thick , segmented skin covered his neck . Even in the darkness , she saw the shine of the dark skin that crept along his shoulders . His eyes were almost gone , covered over in the transformation . She wondered if one day they 'd disappear forever . Barring the door again , Marion stared at the hole in the wall . She was too tired to board it up . Dragging a chair from the dining room , she staggered into the bathroom and locked the door . After shoving the chair under the door knob to hold it in place , she grabbed the pliers off the counter with her good hand . It took three tries to work the first tooth free . Gritting her teeth , she dabbed peroxide on each wound , before adding the next tooth to the pile on the counter . Posted on May 27 , 2016 by Chris Page I couldn 't tell you the first time I saw him . He just appeared one day . It seemed like everyone knew about him , but nobody ever talked about him . People would see him shuffling down the street in his ruined clothes and do their best to avoid even looking at him . Some kids would joke about the smell , or the roaches that crawled over his skin , but they gave him a wide berth all the same . Mostly , I remember the bell . A loud , sharp clang that echoed in the air long after he 'd gone . It was a steady monotone , and as he passed you 'd feel your heart beat in rhythm with it . After a few seconds , the feeling would pass , and you 'd find yourself standing in perfect silence wondering what the hell just happened . My husband Brian always shivered when he came to . We 'd only been married a couple of years at that point , and if I 'd known then what I know now , I would have left that godforsaken town and taken him with me . It got so bad that when Brian heard the man coming up the street , he 'd turn and begin to walk away as quickly as he could . I used to tease him about it . He was right to be afraid . We lived a mile or so away from the town square , in a small house that Brian inherited from his parents . For the longest time , the bell ringer stayed near the town center . I remember being surprised when I saw him walking up the street in our neighborhood , the sound of his bell puncturing the air with every step . I was even more shocked when I saw Jackson Aldridge following along in lockstep behind him . At first I thought the boy was mocking him , and I had gone out to shoo him away . I didn 't much like the bell ringer , but it was important to me that the man have some dignity . When I got closer , I noticed that Jackson barely seemed awake at all . He moved forward like he was being yanked by invisible ropes . His eyes were half - closed and he was barely breathing . I stepped in between them , placing my hands on Jackson 's shoulders . This kid , who barely weighed a hundred pounds , brushed past me as though I weren 't there . I stood in the middle of the street , staring after them in shock . When they turned up the next street and out of my view , I ran back to the house to call the Aldridges . Tyler Aldridge picked up on the first ring . I know that I must have sounded crazy . I was talking a mile a minute and was still trying to catch my breath . Still , there was something odd about the calmness with which Tyler listened to my story . I could practically hear him shaking his head on the other end of the line . " Rosie , honey , I 'm sure you didn 't see Jackson . He 's at school . Why don 't you lie down for a bit . It sounds like something has you over - excited . " He hung up the phone before I could say anything else . I stared out the window for a few minutes , trying to think of a plan . I had a few hours before the kids were due back from school , and it wasn 't like St . Martin was that big of a town to begin with . It wouldn 't be hard to find where Jackson had gone . Grabbing my coat , I hurried out the door and in the direction I 'd seen them go . They moved along at a slow enough pace that it didn 't take long for me to to catch them . Wherever the bell ringer led , people followed . Every few minutes , another person would wander out of their homes , and fall in with the rest of the crowd shuffling along next to Jackson . I recognized Mrs . Wheeler , who ran the bakery downtown almost immediately . Henry O ' Connor also , who used to deliver milk . There were a few others , people I hadn 't met , but recognized from running errands through the city . The group was already so large that they stayed in the middle of the street . They walked through intersections with no regard for traffic or the other people around them . The only sound was the clanging of the bell in time with each step . I followed along behind them for an hour or so , until they turned back up towards my street . Finally , I broke away and rushed back towards the house . I still needed to get the kids from school , and Brian would be home from work not long after that . Together , I knew we could figure out what was happening . The school was practically empty when I arrived . A few teachers stood in the hallway looking confused , comforting the children that were left . I pulled Mrs . Everly aside , feeling my insides turn to water as she started to cry . The only words I could understand were " sorry " and " couldn 't stop them " . It took me a few moments to understand what she was saying , and even then I still had to ask the question to be sure . " Hannah ? What happened to my babies ? " She only cried harder when she tried to tell me . I pictured them shuffling down the street behind the bell ringer , their eyes vacant like Jackson 's had been . For a moment , I felt my heart break , and then I knew what had to be done . I tried to help Hannah to her feet , but she pushed me away . I waited for hours , my anxiety growing worse by the second . The house grew darker as the hours passed with still no sign of Brian . Finally , I saw his headlights shine through the window . He burst through the door , and pulled me against him . " Where are the children ? " he asked . With a shaky voice , I told him everything that happened . I had barely finished when I heard the ringing of the bell . Before I could say anything , Brian was rushing towards our bedroom . He came out a few seconds later with the old pistol he kept in the closet . I don 't think I 'd ever seen him shoot it . I didn 't even know if it was loaded . I saw them at the end of the block . In the orange glow of the street lights , they barely looked human . He walked at the front , still ringing his bell . The crowd pushed along behind him stretching back farther than I could see . The bell ringer stopped in front of me , hunched over like a monster from some children 's story . His eyes met mine , the irises a strange yellow color . He stared at me with a hopeful grin and pleading eyes . His mouth opened , like he wanted to say something , but his words were drowned out by the angry roar of Brian 's pistol . He collapsed , blood pumping from a small hole in his chest . The bell hit the ground with a loud clang , and the people behind him froze . They stared at us in confusion for a second before a look of panic spread across their faces . I found my children in the crowd , right before they turned to ash with the rest of the town . Their bodies collapsed in on themselves , filling the air around me . The whole time , the ringing of the bell echoed in my ears . In the cloud of ash , I watched Brian walk forward with a dazed look on his face , then reach down and brush the bell off . I wanted to call out to him , tell him to leave it alone , but I choked on the thick air around me . Brian gave me a sad look over his shoulder as he walked south , ringing the bell with each step . I tried warning the people of Philipsburg , but they wouldn 't listen to me . Neither would the people of Marshfield . I need you to understand , he isn 't going to stop . He 's coming , step by step , with thousands of people following behind him . You need to evacuate your homes before he gets here . It 's too late for my family , but it might not be for yours . If there 's one thing guaranteed to get you on my bad side , it 's tardiness . That , and asking about my name . He managed to dance over that line within two seconds of sitting down . He was a thin , short man , with nervous hands that constantly fidgeted . Staring at the people around us , he ran a hand through his thinning black hair . " I wasn 't sure it was you . They told me where to meet you and what you 'd be wearing , but they didn 't mention you were , y ' know … " I shrugged . " Not my problem . My services require time , and now there 's less of it . Less time , more chances of mistakes . More risk means my price goes up . " It was all I could do not to choke on the fumes that wafted across the table . There was a heavier stink hidden under the booze . I focused on taking at least one bite of the wilted pile of vegetables I 'd bought earlier . In my line of work , the illusion of control means everything . " Mr . Weber , I provide very exclusive services . If you were given my card , then you can already afford to pay for them . The real question is how much do you value your freedom ? " Before he could stammer out a reply , I cut him off . " Here 's what 's going to happen . You 're going to sit here with me while I finish this horrible salad . You can sit quietly , or we can chat like we 're old friends . We leave together . I will help you with your problem , and you will pay me double the rate you were quoted , and you will do so without complaint . " He nodded and I smiled . " Excellent ! And to save the sad attempt at conversation , yes it is my real name ; yes , I know what it means ; and no , my parents were not hippies . My mother was a lawyer and my father was a police man . " Personal details matter . If you tell someone something about you , then they feel as if they know you . I don 't know what my real parents did for a living , but if telling a client they were on the right side of law and order helps set their minds at ease , then it 's something I 'm willing to do . The salad didn 't taste any better with Mr . Weber impatiently watching me . After a few more bites , I gave up on it entirely , and we headed for the exit . I followed him out to his BMW . It was a nice car , with just enough wear that you could tell he 'd bought it used . He started to say something , then appeared to think better of it . I watched him get into his car , and had to fight off the urge to wave at him as he left . I waited for his tail lights to fade into the distance before heading back to my van . Normally , I don 't work the suburbs . My business is referral only , which means that I very rarely deal with people in this income bracket . In the city , with people coming and going at all hours , nobody notices one more person . Out in the land of neighborhood watches and Home Owners ' Associations , though , you never know who is keeping careful track of late night visitors . I parked down the street from his house and killed the headlights . Alex Weber was either much better connected than he was showing , or setting me up for something . Either way , it paid to be cautious . Ten minutes passed and nothing seemed amiss . Keeping the headlights off , I drove up the street and pulled into his driveway . The garage door slid open in front of my van , and I was grateful that Weber at least seemed moderately competent . The garage door closed behind me and I waited in the van . I was tempted to leave it running , but didn 't really feel like dying of asphyxiation while I waited for him to take the hint and come out to see me . After a few minutes , he poked his head out of the door connecting the garage to the rest of the house . I grabbed my toolbox , and followed him inside . We came in through the kitchen , where a pile of dishes waited in the sink . Old pizza boxes were stacked on the counter , and in general , the place was in dire need of a good cleaning . " The wife and kids are out of town for the week , " Weber said apologetically . " But they 're coming back in a couple of days , so you understand the urgency . " I followed him into the living room . An overturned chair sat in front of the coffee table , next to a puddle of tar - like blood . A slight breeze came in from a broken window . I nodded to myself , all the glass was in the bushes right underneath the window . The real question was what happened to the body . " Of course you did , " I sighed . I pulled out a rubber glove and snapped it on my hand , then very delicately poked at the blood on the ground . " Then what happened , Mr . Weber ? " " We 'd been doing some coke , when all of a sudden she just went crazy and attacked me , " he said with a slight hint of hysteria . " Cut me up real good . There was a knife on the table from earlier . I don 't know what happened , I just went crazy . I stabbed her with it . She was dead . I saw the body , it was right there . I killed her . " I glanced over at his cheap cotton suit and nodded . He didn 't have a mark on him . The girl 's body was nowhere to be seen . Inside the toolbox , I keep a few small things for encounters like this . They won 't do shit to a larger demon , but for minor ones it 's best to keep things low - key . Some holy water , some silver , and a little bit of salt are good enough in most cases . " Well , it 's a matter of proportion and mass , " I said . " You see , a demon can 't make itself any bigger on this plane of reality . Whatever size it is when it comes through , that 's pretty much where it stays . When it comes to possession , they tend to gravitate towards others of a similar build . " He edged forward and I splashed him in the face with the open bottle of silver . Admittedly , colloidal silver isn 't going to kill a demon . It will do a reasonable amount of damage if you get it in their eyes . And it stings like a mother fucker . Weber grabbed his face , smoke pouring out from underneath his fingers . I pulled a knife from the box and drove it into his foot , pinning him to the ground . He roared loud enough to shake the walls , and I backed away quickly . I needed to put a stop to this before some well - intentioned neighbor woke up and called animal control . Very quickly , I made a circle of salt around Weber , holding the demon in place . It pawed at the knife , fingers burning when they brushed the metal . The guy who sold me the knife said it was infused with angel - hair . I 'd never had the chance to test it before now , but I made a mental note to send him a nice thank you card and some booze if I got through this . There are well over three hundred different banishing spells for demons , depending on the level of possession and how much discomfort you want to put the host through . Some require days of meditation , and a good variety of incense . I didn 't really care about Weber , but I did need him alive to sign the check . I grabbed the sage from the tool box and burned it while beginning the incantation I wanted . Weber 's face twisted in front of me . His eyes had burst from the silver , and the skin was beginning to slough off in places . His left arm popped out of socket and hung loosely by his side . The whole room began to stink of sulfur . The first time I 'd done this , it scared the shit out of me . It 's rare that demonic injuries carry through to the human host beyond this initial manifestation . Usually , the demon does it to try to get you to stop . You rush in to help the client , and now it has a new body to possess . The demon began to scream louder , and I glanced nervously out the window to see if the neighbors had called the cops yet . That was the last thing I needed . A few items flew off the shelves , narrowly missing my head . I chanted faster , and smiled as the salt began to glow . There was bright flash of light , and Weber lay crumpled on the ground , breathing heavily and sobbing . I waited , not wanting to break the salt circle . A few of your savvier demons will fake the light show and try to hide inside the host . There 's really only one way to know for sure . He stared up at me in confusion , and then threw up . " I 'm not cleaning that up , " I told him . " That one 's on you . " After a few seconds , he crawled out of the circle and collapsed on the floor . I helped him to his feet , and got him up on the couch . He lay there moaning while I went about the next part of my job , which is clearing any sign of the demonic intruder . The salt and other things I 'd used were easy enough to clean ; demonic blood , however , is a major pain in the ass to get out of carpet . Whatever it was that had possessed Weber had left a lot of it behind . The key to clearing demonic blood out is a solution of holy water , silver , and a dash of bleach . Nobody has ever been able to explain why the bleach works , but it is absolutely necessary . If you scrub hard enough , the stain does eventually come out , although you 'll need something for the fumes . It took hours to get everything cleaned properly . Weber spent the time recovering on the couch , so I didn 't feel bad at all when I handed him the bill . " Next time , avoid the hookers altogether and just stick with internet porn , " I said with a smile . He still looked a little green around the edges when he signed it . By the time I left his house , the sun was peeking up over the city , and a few people had come out to walk their dogs . I suddenly felt very tired . I stopped at a red light and closed my eyes for a second , promising myself a vacation somewhere tropical and isolated . Posted on January 8 , 2016 by Chris Page I wait on the porch , desperately wanting a cigarette . It 's been two minutes , so I knock again . A curtain twitches aside in the window and I get a brief glimpse of red light . Most nights , I 'd think that unusual , but this is different . At this point , the only thing I 'm focused on is the woman on the other side of the door . I give her my best smile . The whole ride over , I 'd been reminding myself of the rules of the game : No real names , no attachments . The door closes again , and the chain slides away . She re - opens it with a smile of her own that doesn 't quite reach up to her eyes . She 's wearing a slinky black robe , and reddish brown hair cascades down over her shoulders . " Water , " I reply , looking around at the nearly empty apartment . There 's a sofa in the middle of the room , but nothing else . Every non - carpeted surface is covered in candles . Even with the warm light they 're creating , there 's still a chill to the room . Shadows dance across the walls as the tiny flames flicker . We make small talk for a few minutes while I drink the water . She waits on the end of the sofa , her hands nervously sliding over each other . The robe itself is small enough that I get a good view of things . She tells me her name is Susan . I 'm tempted to ask what her name really is but that would be breaking the rules . The small talk ends , and we stand there awkwardly . Susan takes the water glass from my hand , her fingers brushing against mine . Leaning forward , she kisses me , her hand sliding down my chest . Her breath tastes like cinnamon . She gently bites my lip and then turns away . Leading me by the hand , she pulls me towards the bedroom . A small bed sits in the exact middle of the room . Dressers and small tables line the walls . Like the living room , every available space is covered with candles . These are red candles , and my mind jumps back to the devotionals of my youth . Somewhere in the room , incense burns , making the air sweet and heavy . My head spins as she pulls me onto the bed . I pull my shirt up over my head as Susan runs her fingers over my stomach . She fumbles with the button on the front of my jeans . I pull her closer . She lunges forward , leaving small bites all over my neck and chest . I grab her hair and pull her head back to kiss her . She feels hot , almost feverish . My world becomes a blur of red light and skin . She rolls me over on my back . Her hands move all over my body . She straddles me , sliding me inside of her . My hands slide up along her hips . She presses her body against mine . Her nails dig into my chest . She pushes me down hard against the bed . The robe slides down her body . I shudder a little at the smooth feel of silk against my legs . She looks down at me with a smile . I 'm dimly aware of her thighs pressing against my body . I sit up to pull her against me , and she pushes me down again . She moves faster . The room spins . It 's too warm . My throat is parched . My heart is thudding in my chest . I 'm gasping for breath . She 's grabbed my wrists , holding them above my head when I see it . A small seam forms in the middle of her forehead . Susan smiles down at me as the skin stretches . The reddish brown hair falls to the bed behind her . Holes form along the seam as the skin breaks apart . Tiny red eyes stare out at me . Her body bulges and twists above me . Her legs and arms are locked around me , holding me in place . The skin splits down the middle of her body . It falls into two piles on either side of me , the warm flesh draped loosely over my legs . I stare in horror at thousands of tiny gray spiders piled together . They hold the shape of a woman for a few seconds before collapsing onto my naked body . I scream and run for the door , brushing spiders off me as best I can . They 're everywhere , covering my skin . Hundreds of thousands of tiny legs skittering across my body . Thin voices call to me from the pile still on the bed . Don 't go , Landon . We need you . A sharp pain digs into my ankle , and my right leg becomes useless . I look down to see my calf is already starting to swell . I slap ineffectually at my leg , leaving a dark smear on the side of my foot . The floor is alive with tiny gray bodies , all surging towards me . Dragging myself to the hall , I force myself to ignore the wheezing in my chest . The door is there , twenty maybe thirty feet away . Landon , come back . My head throbs , but I keep pulling myself towards the door . My legs are bound together , a solid white cocoon hanging off the back of my body . I still have my arms though , and I 'm almost there . I ignore the hundreds of small bites that are slowly numbing my body . My fingers brush against the smooth wood of the door . The knob is directly above me , taunting me . Sharp pain spikes in my left shoulder and the hand drops limply to my side . With one last gasp , I grab the door knob with my right hand and pull myself back , swinging the door open . The warm evening air floats into the room . My car is waiting in the parking lot . The numbness spreads to my chest , followed closely by the silk . My heart feels like a fist is squeezing it . There 's a slight lurch , and I 'm vaguely aware that I 'm being moved . My eyes look back towards the door as I slide away from it towards the bedroom . Laying on the floor , I see the bones strewn under the bed and I want to cry . Every breath is a ragged gasp . The silk covers my mouth , keeping me from screaming . A sharp pain moves through me as my organs begin to liquefy , but by then I 'm barely capable of caring . All I can hear are the dry whispers of the spiders in my ears before the world goes dark . Posted on November 27 , 2015 by Chris Page Harmony Baxter hated it in the city . She hated the way people ignored each other as they hurried on their way , and the constant noise and light that made it impossible to think . She 'd lived here her whole life , always being afraid , although she never knew what it was that she was so scared of . Ronnie had picked another fight with her after school , something stupid about how short her hair was . Rather than get a ride home from him , she decided to walk . She was about to turn up the street towards her house when she felt a small vibration in her bones . It felt almost like something was calling to her . She kept walking , feeling it get stronger until she stopped across the street from the bridge . It ran over the park , and had been there long before Harmony had been born . The sidewalk led under it , running off to a dirt path . It looked like a normal sidewalk : even paving , a small bit of grass growing to one side . Even the chain link fence on the one side shone just right in the fading afternoon sun . Most people passed by with , their eyes focused on cell phones or the ground two feet in front of them . Harmony was the only person to notice the woman step out from under the bridge . Something about it felt off . Maybe it was the woman 's hair style , or her peasant blouse and long flowing skirt , that stood out . Maybe it was how she seemed to appear out of nowhere . " That 's ridiculous , " Harmony said to herself . " Probably just didn 't see her in the dark . " The vibration had returned and seemed to move with the woman . For a moment , Harmony considered just heading back home , but she felt a sudden urge to know what it was about the woman that made this happen . The woman walked down the street ahead of her , staring up at the buildings in the area and muttering quietly to herself . Harmony did her best to keep up with her through the bustling streets . When the woman stopped in front of a window to stare at her reflection , Harmony was forced to walk past her . Harmony frowned . The woman looked older up close . Small lines appeared around her eyes , and her hair was shot through with streaks of gray . When she 'd walked out from under the bridge , she 'd looked like a young woman in her prime . Forced to walk into the crowd , Harmony lost the woman . She tried to circle back around the block , but by the time she 'd returned the woman was gone . Harmony walked back to the bridge , and waited to see if she 'd return . Twenty minutes passed , then thirty . Harmony sat across the street from the bridge , staring into the darkness underneath it . The shadows pulsed like a heartbeat . Her eyelids grew heavy and she rubbed her palms against her eyes in an effort to stay awake . She 'd just decided to head home when the woman appeared . She looked older now , having aged very quickly in the hour or so since Harmony had last seen her . Hobbling towards the bridge , the now old woman carried a baby in her arms . Harmony watched as she disappeared into the darkness under the bridge , the baby 's cries echoing in the night . She waited outside of the bridge the next day , and the day after hoping to see some sign of the woman or the baby . She spent a whole Saturday watching the darkness under the bridge , but nothing happened . When she 'd try to sleep at night , the darkness behind her eyelids would pulse like the shadows under the bridge . After a week or so of waiting , she saw the woman again , following her down the same path through the streets . She stayed behind the woman easily enough . The woman stopped at the window again , and this time Harmony refused to move . She waited just up the block where she could easily see her . After a few minutes , the woman blinked and then hurried off into the crowd . She moved so quickly this time that Harmony lost her . With no way to find her , Harmony once again went back to the bridge and waited . This time , the woman returned with a drunk man . He leaned heavily against her , running his hands over body and leaving sloppy kisses on her neck . Half - dragging him into the darkness below the bridge , the woman 's expression never changed from a look of grim determination as they disappeared into the shadows . Harmony waited for several seconds , then walked across the street towards the path . The shadows under the bridge stayed dark , and the path seemed to run off into nothingness . She stopped at the sidewalk 's edge , and stared into the darkness . She still couldn 't see anything , although she felt the pull of the shadows from where she stood . They called to her , begging her to take that last step inside . No matter how hard she wanted to step forward , her legs wouldn 't move . The darkness pulsed in rhythm with her heart , faster every second . A man shoved past her , and for a moment she thought she was going to fall in . Fear and longing mixed in her mind right before she hit the pavement hard . Harmony limped away from the bridge , checking herself for injuries . The further away from the bridge she got , the more her head began to clear . She sat down across the street in her usual spot , staring into the darkness . She felt it laughing at her , mocking her . She wanted to hate it . More than she had ever wanted anything . She was about to give up when the woman stepped back out of the shadows . If it hadn 't been for the same clothes , Harmony wouldn 't have recognized her . The once gray hair was now a dark , chestnut brown and her skin practically glowed . She stared at Harmony for a second , their eyes locking . Then , with a faint smile , she wandered off into the crowd . Getting to her feet , Harmony followed after the woman . It didn 't take long to realize that they were following the same route as before . This time , the woman drew all of her attention . It felt like there was a warm , clean bubble that surrounded her , and Harmony wanted nothing more than to be a part of it . When the woman stopped at the window , Harmony stood next to her . She felt the woman watching her in the reflection , but couldn 't find the words she wanted . Every time she opened her mouth , nothing came out . " I don 't know , " Harmony said . She felt the moment slipping away . She wanted to beg this woman to take her away from this world . She didn 't want to have to think anymore , or to worry . " I think I 'm supposed to go with you . " The woman turned on her heels , and began walking back the way they came . She moved so suddenly that it took Harmony a second to follow her . The small bubble of warmth she felt slid away , and she shivered in the afternoon breeze . The woman slowed a bit , and Harmony was able to catch her . " I don 't even know your name , " Harmony said . " Who are you ? " " It 's always been Evelyn , " Harmony said , although she didn 't know where the words came from . Evelyn was walking slower now , and Harmony took her arm to help her along . The older woman 's bones shifted under Harmony 's hand . The bridge loomed over them now , but with Evelyn , there was no pain . Harmony knew that if she could just stay with the now elderly woman , everything would be fine . They stopped just outside the path that led into the shadows when Evelyn collapsed . And just like that , everything collapsed . The world rushed back in around them . Harmony 's head began to throb , the pressure building inside her skull . She wanted to scream . The smells of the city filled the air around her . The sweat and piss and spit of the people around her . The sounds of their bodies digesting the decaying matter in their stomachs . She crawled towards the shadows , leaving Evelyn behind . Somewhere , under the bridge , she knew that she could find peace . She hesitated at the sidewalk 's edge . Evelyn was aging faster now . People stepped over her body , ignoring her as they went on their own way . Nobody stopped to help . Harmony dragged herself forward , into the cool darkness . The air smelled cleaner here . Glancing back at Evelyn , she watched the old woman smile before crumbling to dust . Cold arms wrapped themselves around her . Her body floated into the darkness , and she watched as the entrance to the path drifted farther and farther behind her . All you have to do is let us in . The entrance was just a pinprick on the horizon . A lonely star that twinkled in the darkness . Harmony blinked back tears and sighed . " And you 'll let me come back out again ? " Harmony heard the smug satisfaction in the voice . She closed her eyes and felt the arms tighten around her . " What if I don 't want to stay ? " she asked . Harmony stared back out at the world she came from . She watched the people stumble past the bridge , never looking at anything but the ground ahead of them . She closed her eyes and floated for a second . She thought of her parents , who always yelled at her , and that asshole Ronnie who talked to her like she was an idiot . There was an urgency to the voice now . A faint , pleading edge to something that had sounded so perfect . She could see the sidewalk from here . A bus rumbled by in the fading afternoon light , so close she could practically touch it . " It 's not supposed to be easy , " Harmony said , feeling the darkness fade a little . She thought about her friends at school , and her little sister . For a moment , she even thought about pizza . Something roared behind her , and a cold hand brushed against her shoulder . Harmony stepped out into the light and blinked . Taking a deep breath , she stepped out onto the sidewalk . She smiled up at the last bit of sunlight that warmed her skin , and then turned to go home . She did her best to ignore the smell of the city , and just
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This morning , the fire alarm went off when I was searing the boneless leg of lamb roast . Around here the fire alarm sends a rush of anxiety through the dog , at the very least . Rebecca 's fix for the piercing noise , after having to get out of bed , was to take a firm set of papers and wave them in front of the fire alarm sensor . My fix was to open all of the windows and to get the fan above the stove working , but that didn 't really work . had felt the tremor , though I don 't know why . My first earth quake - a 4 . 1 the newspaper reported . Only when I walk down by the coast , I think of the sunamis that come out of nowhere . An Albertan never thinks much about earthquakes , either . I fear dying by drowning . No chance , said Rebecca . Think of how far you have to climb to get I mixed it up today - a walk to the movies where I saw Joy ( 2015 ) and then a walk back home . I didn 't know the day would come when I would be interested in how the shopping channel works . For me that was the best part of the movie . Now I am not a fan of the shopping channel - no staying up past midnight to put myself in debt buying sequined gowns or strings of semi precious beads . But the $ 6 for the matinee was fun . I hate it when I can 't find anything good to eat there . Nor could I find anything good to eat at the concession bar at the theatre . The chicken chow mein I had tossed together before I left was the biggest call for food . Yum . Candy Blox . That is what the package reads . And yes , it is the candy you can play with , and then eat , one of the gifts Duncan is trying to trade off from the magnificent haul of stocking stuffers this year . I face - timed Mary and Leo to see how Christmas had gone for them . A storm that included high winds came to Aylmer the day before Christmas , downing a large branch on their electrical line . Now that is a big downer - Christmas day and no electricity . They cooked their turkey next door at the neighbours so all was not completely lost , but there is an irony in Xavier getting a new computer for Christmas and not being able to use it . Naomi was luckier - she got books and Rhiannon got a beautiful play pony - those old fashioned toys worked well for them in an electrical failure . Bonnie and David were invited to the Woods house and they took along a gag gift Bonnie had picked up at the dollar store . One of the nastiest presents ever - a gag toilet . When you open the lid of the toilet a stream of something arcs out of it and hits the person who opened the seat . Bonnie and David wanted to " get " Uncle Dave with the gift , but Reggie was so excited he couldn 't keep his hands off of it , even though he knew it was his grandfather who was to have the first peek . He was mad and to make things better , Bonnie asked Autumn if she could open it next and take the hit , to calm down Reggie . Photo : Moiya Wood Autumn agreed , but just at the moment when she opened the toilet seat she ducked to the left and the water streamed out and hit Oscar . Now two people were mad . To calm everyone down , the group agreed , the next one to open the toilet seat should be their grandfather . He agreed to try it and when he did , instead of ducking or getting mad , he just opened his mouth and drank the water as it streamed out of the gag gift . That made everyone laugh . On the side of having a wonderful meal , Moiya had prepared a turkey , home made cranberries , gravy , a ham , whipped potatoes , sweet potatoes , fresh buns and butter , a carrot medley and she brought out Nanaimo squares and other treats . The day seemed calm for only Des and Brandon and their family and Dan and Marina and their kids were there , as well as Matthew and Stacy with their two little ones . The other seven grandchildren were either in Texas or Edmonton - and there is always a certain quietude when everyone is not present . Some guys your age would like to have a hamburger every night of the week . Maybe that would be your bliss . Or how about a hamburger one night and a hot dog the next and the third night , spaghetti , and then just keep rotating those three meals . And then when the summer comes , you could rotate through every Subway known to man , but make them at home . You see now how easy it is to have a Meal Planner that is personalized . You be the planner . Just figure out your favourite meals , make the grocery list to buy the stuff at the store , and voila . You can have each of these meals ready in the time that it takes to thaw your hamburger bun and cook your hamburger in a skillet . The hardest meal is the spaghetti , but not if you use a prepared sauce . Harder if you make your own sauce , which tastes better , but the good thing is that you can freeze the sauce in small portions and then just microwave it when you get home . I didn 't add in making pizza . But on the other blog is Aunt Miranda 's recipe for quick pizza crust . That is so easy to make that you can have pizza faster than you can order it . Just put the ingredients in the mixer , let them go five minutes and while the dough is being mixed get your toppings ready . Yup . No need for a meal planner , once you get the idea that you can eat whatever your heart desires just be doing some pre - planning . Now , good luck . I meant to walk for 45 minutes north on Gordon Head Road today . At the San Juan Road junction I saw a mother and child , shovels and a pail in hand , walking down to Arbutus Cove . I shifted my plans and followed them , all 66 large steps from the brow of the hill down to the beach . That is where I found the mother and child again , this time the little guy gathering different forms of kelp to take home . I found a plastic bucket to use myself , thinking about the discussion we have had at home - plastic , really coming into circulation in the 1940 's for the first time , and about how it doesn 't decompose . So I brought the basket , now full of kelp , back home , the basket going into the recycling . The little boy and his mother told me that they have watch utube videos and that it is possible to dry the kelp and put it in an omelette . " Good luck at getting me to do that , " said Rebecca . , when I got home and explained to her my new task . I don 't know why she is resistant . She is never happier than when she brings home sushi from Fujiya . We occasionally have natto and what is life without a snack of seaweed : Kimmy , made from the finest Korean seaweed . She savours every bite of that while others are eating their chips . I hadn 't checked the tide , not thinking I was going that way . So the water was lapping up against the drift wood . Little rivulets of water were flowing through the sand and into the sea . Some family who live on the brow of the hill have a wonderful set of steps going up to their house . The last set of steps that take them to the ocean were pulled up high enough that no one could use them . But I could see that they would easily swing down when someone from above wanted to use the beach , the same one we were walking on - so only their stairs were exclusive , not bay that I was enjoying . I ducked under a tree and it snagged the hat I was wearing . I held onto a large log and stepped on a smaller one at the place where the ocean did lap the shore and would have got my feet wet without the alternative path . But sometimes she just grabs something we have had before - like the mini Mandarins . In the case of the last bag she thought she grabbed , what arrived home were mini oranges , not mini - Mandarins . Until she spoke up , I didn 't know she was having the same trouble I was having . The peeling is hard to take off . Usually I have orange juice all the way up to the second knuckle of my fingers on both hands , before I get the fruit unpeeled . Further , the time it takes to peel the orange is far greater than the time it takes me to eat it . I haven 't been seeing much of her , and neither has anyone else . She has papers to mark - 102 of questions one and two . She could do 3 per hour when she began . Now she can do 6 per hour , which means her speed has been doubled now she knows what she is looking for in an answer , but there isn 't much hope she can go any faster than that . So her time is spent sequestered in her office marking . That is , until Duncan wanted to see Star Wars : The Force Awakens again . Yes to the sweetness of slicing . They headed out to see the show last night and were back within the hour - the theatre was sold out . All they could get was tickets for the 11 pm showing . That is a late show for me . All of the treats in the world on my lap , I would still not be able to stay awake , so I stayed home … and ate oranges . Duncan loves Christmas . His dad offered to give him the cash that would otherwise be spent on a fresh tree . " So near to Christmas , it really isn 't worth getting the tree , " Steve said . That was no argument for Duncan . He would rather have the feel of Christmas than the feel of cash in his pocket . He likes to have the outside Christmas lights on and he likes to have the tree lit . When I go to bed at night , I sometimes turn off the tree lights but he is still playing games in the family room . When I get up in the morning , the lights are back on the tree that is in the front room . It is the last thing he has done before going to bed . Turn them back on . How can anyone love Christmas more than that . When unwrapped there were lots of electronics and new T - shirts . I have never heard of O2 , but those shirts were keepers . I heard words of gratitude all day about those gifts . I know why I hit just about my all time low of doing posts - once by legs slowed down in the summer , so did my typing . The bad math is that I thought , surely if I type a bit over the holidays I can finish off the year with a post a day . That won 't happen . I thought I had only ten to go , but no , 30 in 5 days is expecting too much from me . It is time to start wrapping up the year though - move phone numbers from the 2015 daytime to the 2016 daytime or add birthdays of new borns . How about going through every page in that old daytimer and try to see if there are any things on those lists that I might still be able to do ? That would be frustrating . Better to leave those things unnoticed and also undone . Rebecca and Bonnie have switched over to a new style of planner . Passion Planner . There are places for work - to - do - lists , personal - to - do - lists , and one list for " infinite possibilities " . And the Canadian Tire isles were empty , even with their 70 % sale . Rebecca and I have the groceries to make spring rolls , and I thought I might get some butter lettuce to add to them , but no butter lettuce and a sad day when a person goes into the store and there is nothing to buy . I did see some customers at the deli . I think I will do that when I get too old to cook . Just stock up on those lovely salads . But until then , I will be happy with the new belt and hope that it represents how low I am wearing these jeans and not pounds gained around the waist . We hopped in the car and went to view It 's a Wonderful Life : snacks , the big screen , a movie from 1946 that has lasted the test of time . And the price was right - - $ 6 each . Our theatre was full . I was worried that we would never get in , but no , the long line up to get past the concession and into the theatre was created of potential Star Wars viewers . They like to come costumed . We were in our Victoria wear : light coats , and no snow gear . When I think about extended families on my side , if there are children , they are mostly grandchildren now . What brought this to my mind is the large amount of food that is consumed here by the 14 and 16 year old . The dishes are hardly done before someone is looking in the fridge again . So when Rebecca and I shop we try to find something that wasn 't eaten last week , or the week before . Normal , I think to look for something new . I wanted to cook a turkey for Christmas but turkey has a bad wrap here - - too dry they say . That might be true the way that I have cooked it in Christmases past . Rebecca slipped some endive into our cart this time . " We are going to have that wonderful salad we had in Paris last year , " she said . " I had learned how to do it in Spain and I think I can find the recipe on the blog . " Endive , either stuffed with corn , tomatoes and olives , or stuffed with mandarin oranges , walnuts and feta cheese . Now this doesn 't supplant turkey , but it was a lovely mid - day Xmas snack to stave off that usual over - snacking on . . . chocolate , chips , even those lovely mandarins , I can 't stop eating . She had face - timed me around her house a few days ago and I saw another new creche , but only two pieces . One she bought in Spain and all she could afford for now , she said . So there on her shelf was minimalist Xmas as far as the nativity scene , only Mary and Joseph , but sparkling in tiny pieces of coloured glass . From Duncan 's hands to Rebecca 's a gift was tossed , but it bounced off of the couch and hit my leg . How could a cylindrical gift have that weight , I thought . I picked it up and tried with braille to see what it was . I was as surprised as she when it unrolled into a magazine : The iPad Manual : Bring your iPad skills right up to date with the new IOS 9 and its new apps . Even though I don 't have an iPad I read through the manual . Beautifully written and so clear . Rebecca said , " Even though I know 75 % of what is in that book , it was excellent to read the pieces that I don 't know . " The adults had agreed . No gift exchanging . But there was a large box for Steve . Opened , it contained the keys of the new - to - him used car he has been driving for a couple of months . And Rebecca feigned surprise over a present she had probably wrapped herself . Yes , it was her empty iPad box - - a new iPad she called out with amazement . Her old one was swept up from my house and stored in the garage last August and to be without one hurts - - for her . She uses it when she teaches . There can hardly be a better testimonial for an iPad than that . We talked about the best Christmas evers , for all of us . Rebecca told me thank you for the Grade 7 gift of a clock radio . The boys remembered an x - box gift from Verlaine . " Oh she loved giving you guys presents . " I still own the second hand cedar chest I received when I was 18 . Is the whole day today called Christmas Eve ? Is there a Christmas Eve Day and then a Christmas Eve eve ? There have been both for us for no one was out of bed by 9 am when Rebecca said , " Let 's do it . Let 's go shopping for those last minute items I like to give to the boys . " They both get a box load of groceries : drinks , crackers , cookies , candy , canned meat ( yes , Spam ) , the exotic and the different - stuff that doesn 't come into the house usually . Peppers , a grocery store in Cadboro Bay Village , was the first stop . Well , not really - the Pharmacy was the first stop . A red letter day for me . I had collected all unused opiates - the 30 's , the 10 's the 5 's , the fast acting , the slow acting , all of them into a white paper bag and delivered to the pharmacy . " A red letter day for me , " I said to the pharmacist , " I couldn 't have a better gift . Five days , opiate free . I need them . And now I don 't . A big day for me . " But back to Peppers . The employees were having a contest : the worst Christmas outfit . One of the cashiers at the front had on one of those embroidered Xmas sweaters that is also lit like a tree - miniature lights flashing on and off . There were other Christmas sweaters , some of which I thought were quite beautiful so it is a good thing I wasn 't the judge . Rebecca thought the most disturbing costume was an elf hat , the peaked point of which would flip one way and then another . " Disturbing , " she said . I was taken with the hat shaped like a turkey , but with a smaller Christmas hat decorating the ends of the drumsticks . There was a reindeer head . The costume I wanted to imitate was one where an employee had taken a Christmas garland and artfully draped it over her shoulders as though it were a shawl . That might be the contest to end all contests . When I got tired of watching the employees in costume , I turned to looking at the shoppers , since Peppers is in an exclusive housing area . Rebecca remarked to a woman about her embroidered boiled wool vest , " Exquisite vest " . The woman looked a little embarrassed but her daughter spoke up , " My mother made it . " " I would like one , but I know the number of hours it would take to make one would make it cost prohibitive to me . What you are wearing is an art piece . " The woman 's daughter agreed , and the woman just seemed to shy over the whole thing to say much . I had to switch back and forth to the left and right of one woman after I spotted a piece of cut rock on her finger that stretched over two other fingers . Beautifully set and a magnificent shape . I hardly got to see any of the groceries on the shelves , I was so busy between employee costuming and customer outerwear . The perfect bulk barn was next door , bulk everything , especially candy - the penny sweets had already been bagged and priced , so there were no twist ties or bulk bin numbers to fumble with . We had already tried to find Christmas candy corn ( red white and green as opposed to the Halloween colours ) . The employee at Save - On foods says they have been soldout for over a week . As well , at the bulk burn there were little wrapped chocolates , the fin foil in colors that looked like lady bugs with black legs hanging out and butterflies with gossamer wings , and silver and gold wrapped money . I told Rebecca that the boys would get all of this good food anyway , so to wrap it up and have it under the tree is like getting a gift and grocery package two for one . The day was warm . " I haven 't lived here long enough to get over the surprise of green lawns and a mild temperature yet . I wonder if that day will come , " said Rebecca . I man was jogging down the street in a muscle shirt and shorts . A beautiful green hedge had been trimmed up and over a charming wooden arch . I stepped over a small garden at the side of a street . Pansies were blooming close to the ground . I hope Santa Claus can find this lovely spot tomorrow - he may pass over it for what else more does Victoria need . What is there to tell . A tub of Kelvin 's with a lift to aid getting in the tub . The ceiling looks like soft clouds floating by . There is an armoire for his clothes , shelves for the proverbial equipment that goes along with a CPap machine and a self - cleaning razor . Rebecca was the one who did the intake with Kelvin at Clifton Manor and she did it again at Seton . The intake this time was different . She had left Clifton with a Greensleeve that was packed . When she went there in the first place there was only the personal directive and the goals of care . You will remember that getting information was impossible - that is , getting your own information seems to be impossible . But the Clifton Manor people are not the first flaw . For when Kelvin went in , they didn 't know if he was a lock - down patient or if he was more able to get around on his own . There hadn 't been an assessment . That didn 't give Clifton Manor an advantage . There are a number of dementia people at this facility as well , but it is not full of people in the halls calling out " Help me . Help me . " Hearing that is not calming . Dinner is lovely at the new facility . The noise in the old room was deafening , so many people in the room and the ceilings were so high . No salt and pepper on the tables in case someone takes too much . That has all changed . Now dinner has two seatings : 5 pm and 5 : 30 pm . If you are early for your seating , it is OK . You can sit and wait in a clean place . You can sit anywhere you want . There is a book at the front with a picture of all of the residents , so the questions , do you like a big serving or a small one are already answered for the caregivers . The floors look nice and there are paintings all around the wall . There is a pillar in the centre so lines of sight are disrupted . Soft dinner music starts playing an hour before hand . As the second seating is happening , the first is being cleaned up . They have laminated visuals , do you want the egg salad sandwich or the deli sandwich . And now the residents can see an accurate picture ; they don 't have to ask what the bread looks like . There is a lot of yelling : Why did you decide to come to Canada ? How do you spell your name ? Where did you live ? And a lot of nodding and smiling , because no one can hear the answers . Everyone already knows who Grant and Boyce Johnson are . The workers already love Grant so Kelvin can ride in on his coat tails . Grant has lost a lot of memory but underneath is a good person , wanting to help . And finding ways to help . What is there not to love about a person like that . The best way to grow old . Under Kelvin 's core is a lot of loss and anxiety but not so much memory loss . The other people on his floor are often 93 years old or 95 . Kelvin feels like the young guy on the block . The Shaw guy gave Rebecca his card , if we want anything else set up , like the Internet . But we can 't figure out what Kelvin is actually wanting . He is wanting to go to his grammar book and find some reference to it and then go find that book , somewhere on the internet . To get there , Kelvin would still have to have a university login . He wants cutting edge research on " elocutionary force " , but no , he needs a person sitting beside him full time , and then he would start giving me grammar lessons in between as he tried to do with Rebecca . Rebecca could see she had left carnage everywhere , bolts and screws , cardboard , packing materials . It was 1 at night and she was still programming Kelvin 's phone so he can phone Betty Sabey and as many of his kids as there were numbers for . Rebecca went to Best Buy Mobile and said , this is an old guy , he has a flip phone and I don 't think he can learn the new ones . The guy said go to Kudo which might be underneath Telus . You could buy either said the guy , but I think the flip phone will be best . Rebecca found a $ 35 land line phone , with no long distance on it . He is to use his cell when he wants to call long distance . And for now , he carries the phone everywhere with him during the day . That helps . The church building is 1 . 2 kilometres away . Instead of shuttling across town to the old Bow Valley Ward , he will go there , to a very young ward , Auburn Bay Ward . A lot of babies crying but that is hard for people with hearing aids , since they can 't keep that noise off . The other alternative is just to shut the hearing aids off . The new ward has been split , so the old driver won 't be able to pick them up yet , but eventually maybe Grant and Kelvin can go together . Right now Kelvin is good , getting to church with Access Calgary . Les Steimeyer and Heber Jones picked up Kelvin 's electric chair from Richard , furniture from downtown and delivered it to Seton , which we are going to underline again is a l - o - n - g drive . How to thank them ? There is no way . We are going to be left in their debt . Rebecca let Kelvin help her put the TV stand together . She had the French instructions in front of her . He would call out put part " Y into part C " . She had the picture in front of her , so that worked , even though it didn 't work . The question as to whether Kelvin is happy is answered yes by , there are salt and pepper shakes at the table . Yes . He is happy . The ambient noise in the dinner room is gone . The lady from next door at the other place , who used to barge into his room yelling is gone . In the new place , just keep your door shut if you don 't want people wandering in saying , " Hello , it is time for dinner , " when it is only 3 pm . The bottom line at Seton is . . . yes , it is quiet . We had pre - purchased tickets for Star Wars : The Force Awakens yesterday . The day has been circled on the family calendar for weeks , Duncan sometimes going to that blessed Friday and just pointing at it , as though all of us were participating in his anticipatory pleasure . We left without Alex , since he wasn 't home and by the time we passed over MacKenzie , Steve was asking Siri to phone Alex . Sure enough Alex 's voice was heard on the phone , " I came home in time to see you drive away . " We circled back for him and then proceeded to get Ben who lives well downtown . Steve was apologizing to the boys about being late , but we had 3 minutes to spare - which really means we had 15 minutes to spare since the trailers for upcoming movies take that long . Steve pressed snack money into the hands of all three 6 foot plus teenagers and out to the foyer they ran . Alex had asked for cheap treats at the theatre which made both Steve and I guffaw - the word cheap cannot be applied to movie concession stands in my mind . I saw some costuming on the theatre patrons : a man in a long black flowing coat , and a woman dressed as the new protagonist - Rey . That was fun . As well , I sat by a man and his son , and as I settled in , he welcomed me to the event . Soon he was pressing his cell phone into my view , telling me that what he was about to show me was the best spoiler of all time . I read the one - liner - lucky for me that I knew so little of what was to go on , that I didn 't catch on to its significance until the movie was over . On the way home we tried to think of the best one liners in the script . I liked Finn 's job description . But you will have to see the movie to know what that was . And I thought Rey 's occupation was equally fun . Not a lot of costume changes in the movie . But watching it in 3 - D was wonderful . I was sure that I was hit a few times until I got used to ships coming in from behind me , over my left shoulder . When I arrived in Victoria a couple of months ago , these tickets had already been bought and had names on them . In the course of time , some people had to drop out and that is how I got to one of the first showings of Star Wars : The Force Awakens . By the time the new sequel comes out , I just might have my own costume ready to wear . Why not join those for whom a movie of this proportion is a cult event . The climb back was uphill all of the way . I lingered at many of the iron gates that were closed - locking people into their estates . Gorgeous homes , well manicured lawns and everything so green and beautiful here . All of the residents , able to take the same walk I took , down to the ocean . Rebecca is helping Kelvin to make the move to Seton AgeCare on Friday . They visited today for four hours . She asked him what he wanted her to bring for food rather than going out . She doesn 't like driving on the Alberta icy roads and he doesn 't like walking on them either . So they dined in and enjoyed an evening with Chinese food - - a perfect antidote to too many sugar cookies and too much Christmas cake . " The concert starts at 7 pm . The Jazz Band has to be there at 6 : 30 pm . " Neither Steve nor I could figure out what the jazz band would be doing . Setting up chairs . It wasn 't until I was talking to Duncan at the foot of the stairs as he was shining his shoes that I caught on - the jazz band was to be performing in the foyer as people walked in to take their seats . That put some heat on us to get there on time . Duncan had already checked out his clothes and he looked fantastic - bright yellow tie on a black shirt . As we were driving out of the driveway and down the street Steve said , " Got your music ? Remember , last time I had to go home and get it . " " Well , I didn 't really want anyone to know . Mr . Awai just said to me , Duncan , you take that solo , and there wasn 't much I could do but say , yes sir . But I have been worrying about it for days now . " Two hundred and fift - six performers in the evening : the first band , the second band , the first choir , the second choir , the third choir , the first strings group , the second strings group , the third band . You get the idea . And those who weren 't playing at the time were cheering the others who were . The evening was full of songs I love : Leonard Cohen 's " Hallelujah " , " Lo , how a rose ' ere blooming , " Mozart 's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik " by a string quartet , Mel Torme 's " Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire " . I think the only way he will do it is if Mr . Awai says , " Duncan , I want to see you at men 's choir . I studied the conductor , both out in the foyer and in the gym . Doug Awai wore a Santa hat and had a bright red and green Christmas tie on . The black of his suit jacket and his pants told me that they were separate pieces . The trousers were long , maybe about six inches longer than what might have been his normal leg length , so I am guessing all of those folds at the bottom of the trousers are a statement of style . His body was full of rhythm , his legs tapping , his shoulder rocking to the music , his head going forward and back , attached to his neck which also had a rhythm of its own . His hand would be tapping the piano , or he was a holding a stick and a bell . " A one , a two , a three , a four " and then in double time , a one , two three , four and away they went . PS Steve told Duncan since it was his night , he could go anywhere he wanted afterward . I thought Duncan would choose to do a treat run through the isles of Save - on - Foods as he does with his mother . No . He decided on a Diary Queen ice cream cake . Life is sweet here . Take a look at the Christmas Train from Lethbridge . It is going across the big train bridge . This is almost the same view that Dan and Marina get from their living room and kitchen window . It will be here in Sicamous on Wednesday . I have no idea if this is true or not . But given that he thinks the relief is less than ideal , I decided to do some shopping therapy by stopping in at the university book store which is on the bus loop in Victoria . If the acupuncture wasn 't ideal , spending money should be . The shopping therapy didn 't work either , for I didn 't buy anything . . . . enjoying the Xmas decorations in the UVic Bookstore . . . But beautiful Xmas ornaments were half price . I touched them , took a few into my hands , hooked them over my fingers and let them swing until they stopped and then I put them down again . There was a 4 inch high Eiffel tower , sparkling with reflected light , some globes that held birds as though they were nesting , and some wooden silhouettes of Christmas trees - - all lovely , but we don 't even have our tree up yet . This is so unusual for me - - being a person who gets her decorations up on December 1st so that I can enjoy them for the 25 days before Xmas . Now I will be enjoying the tree after Xmas . I like mixing things up like that . Last Spring my mom and I decided to do some gardening . We were trying to flip over a wheel barrow , but my mom accidentally dropped it . It made a loud clang . All require preparation of one sort or another and I have been typing for her . My goal is to see if she can talk while I do 9 single spaced pages of typing . She thinks that my font is small or my margins too narrow when it feels like the pages aren 't going fast enough . But no , I quietly type , and let spell check and grammar check do their work when my fingers can 't keep up with her words . By the end of the night we were both tired - wanting to press on , but neither of us could find energy to work at the speed we had been operating during the morning and afternoon hours . I opened one of her new art books and she opened another . We took out some paper and coloured pens and tried to re - create the images in the book . We chatted - - and let our pens work . I became more and more engaged in creative work that I don 't usually do . Art . I do go to museums and read art books , but I never pick up a pencil and try to imitate life with lines . Examples of bird 's ears and eyes , animal teeth , fur , fish scales - though it seems obvious I had never been able to tell which of the animals was a beaver until I saw how those two front teeth were drawn . Part of the evening was that I didn 't have a pace that I had to keep , nor anyone making comments or even watching . I worked and reworked images through the evening hours , commenting to Rebecca how restful the time felt . Duncan did come by and watching us , picked up a pen himself . Wyona told me she has been watching u - tube videos on how to paint with water colours . She comments that there is so much on utube for a person to learn . I feel the same way about the lovely books - so many evenings ahead for me to enjoy . Forgot your password ? Email the Paladin . He will remove you from the contributors list and re - invite you to the blog . That seems to work in re - setting your password .
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This morning , the fire alarm went off when I was searing the boneless leg of lamb roast . Around here the fire alarm sends a rush of anxiety through the dog , at the very least . Rebecca 's fix for the piercing noise , after having to get out of bed , was to take a firm set of papers and wave them in front of the fire alarm sensor . My fix was to open all of the windows and to get the fan above the stove working , but that didn 't really work . had felt the tremor , though I don 't know why . My first earth quake - a 4 . 1 the newspaper reported . Only when I walk down by the coast , I think of the sunamis that come out of nowhere . An Albertan never thinks much about earthquakes , either . I fear dying by drowning . No chance , said Rebecca . Think of how far you have to climb to get I mixed it up today - a walk to the movies where I saw Joy ( 2015 ) and then a walk back home . I didn 't know the day would come when I would be interested in how the shopping channel works . For me that was the best part of the movie . Now I am not a fan of the shopping channel - no staying up past midnight to put myself in debt buying sequined gowns or strings of semi precious beads . But the $ 6 for the matinee was fun . I hate it when I can 't find anything good to eat there . Nor could I find anything good to eat at the concession bar at the theatre . The chicken chow mein I had tossed together before I left was the biggest call for food . Yum . Candy Blox . That is what the package reads . And yes , it is the candy you can play with , and then eat , one of the gifts Duncan is trying to trade off from the magnificent haul of stocking stuffers this year . I face - timed Mary and Leo to see how Christmas had gone for them . A storm that included high winds came to Aylmer the day before Christmas , downing a large branch on their electrical line . Now that is a big downer - Christmas day and no electricity . They cooked their turkey next door at the neighbours so all was not completely lost , but there is an irony in Xavier getting a new computer for Christmas and not being able to use it . Naomi was luckier - she got books and Rhiannon got a beautiful play pony - those old fashioned toys worked well for them in an electrical failure . Bonnie and David were invited to the Woods house and they took along a gag gift Bonnie had picked up at the dollar store . One of the nastiest presents ever - a gag toilet . When you open the lid of the toilet a stream of something arcs out of it and hits the person who opened the seat . Bonnie and David wanted to " get " Uncle Dave with the gift , but Reggie was so excited he couldn 't keep his hands off of it , even though he knew it was his grandfather who was to have the first peek . He was mad and to make things better , Bonnie asked Autumn if she could open it next and take the hit , to calm down Reggie . Photo : Moiya Wood Autumn agreed , but just at the moment when she opened the toilet seat she ducked to the left and the water streamed out and hit Oscar . Now two people were mad . To calm everyone down , the group agreed , the next one to open the toilet seat should be their grandfather . He agreed to try it and when he did , instead of ducking or getting mad , he just opened his mouth and drank the water as it streamed out of the gag gift . That made everyone laugh . On the side of having a wonderful meal , Moiya had prepared a turkey , home made cranberries , gravy , a ham , whipped potatoes , sweet potatoes , fresh buns and butter , a carrot medley and she brought out Nanaimo squares and other treats . The day seemed calm for only Des and Brandon and their family and Dan and Marina and their kids were there , as well as Matthew and Stacy with their two little ones . The other seven grandchildren were either in Texas or Edmonton - and there is always a certain quietude when everyone is not present . Some guys your age would like to have a hamburger every night of the week . Maybe that would be your bliss . Or how about a hamburger one night and a hot dog the next and the third night , spaghetti , and then just keep rotating those three meals . And then when the summer comes , you could rotate through every Subway known to man , but make them at home . You see now how easy it is to have a Meal Planner that is personalized . You be the planner . Just figure out your favourite meals , make the grocery list to buy the stuff at the store , and voila . You can have each of these meals ready in the time that it takes to thaw your hamburger bun and cook your hamburger in a skillet . The hardest meal is the spaghetti , but not if you use a prepared sauce . Harder if you make your own sauce , which tastes better , but the good thing is that you can freeze the sauce in small portions and then just microwave it when you get home . I didn 't add in making pizza . But on the other blog is Aunt Miranda 's recipe for quick pizza crust . That is so easy to make that you can have pizza faster than you can order it . Just put the ingredients in the mixer , let them go five minutes and while the dough is being mixed get your toppings ready . Yup . No need for a meal planner , once you get the idea that you can eat whatever your heart desires just be doing some pre - planning . Now , good luck . I meant to walk for 45 minutes north on Gordon Head Road today . At the San Juan Road junction I saw a mother and child , shovels and a pail in hand , walking down to Arbutus Cove . I shifted my plans and followed them , all 66 large steps from the brow of the hill down to the beach . That is where I found the mother and child again , this time the little guy gathering different forms of kelp to take home . I found a plastic bucket to use myself , thinking about the discussion we have had at home - plastic , really coming into circulation in the 1940 's for the first time , and about how it doesn 't decompose . So I brought the basket , now full of kelp , back home , the basket going into the recycling . The little boy and his mother told me that they have watch utube videos and that it is possible to dry the kelp and put it in an omelette . " Good luck at getting me to do that , " said Rebecca . , when I got home and explained to her my new task . I don 't know why she is resistant . She is never happier than when she brings home sushi from Fujiya . We occasionally have natto and what is life without a snack of seaweed : Kimmy , made from the finest Korean seaweed . She savours every bite of that while others are eating their chips . I hadn 't checked the tide , not thinking I was going that way . So the water was lapping up against the drift wood . Little rivulets of water were flowing through the sand and into the sea . Some family who live on the brow of the hill have a wonderful set of steps going up to their house . The last set of steps that take them to the ocean were pulled up high enough that no one could use them . But I could see that they would easily swing down when someone from above wanted to use the beach , the same one we were walking on - so only their stairs were exclusive , not bay that I was enjoying . I ducked under a tree and it snagged the hat I was wearing . I held onto a large log and stepped on a smaller one at the place where the ocean did lap the shore and would have got my feet wet without the alternative path . But sometimes she just grabs something we have had before - like the mini Mandarins . In the case of the last bag she thought she grabbed , what arrived home were mini oranges , not mini - Mandarins . Until she spoke up , I didn 't know she was having the same trouble I was having . The peeling is hard to take off . Usually I have orange juice all the way up to the second knuckle of my fingers on both hands , before I get the fruit unpeeled . Further , the time it takes to peel the orange is far greater than the time it takes me to eat it . I haven 't been seeing much of her , and neither has anyone else . She has papers to mark - 102 of questions one and two . She could do 3 per hour when she began . Now she can do 6 per hour , which means her speed has been doubled now she knows what she is looking for in an answer , but there isn 't much hope she can go any faster than that . So her time is spent sequestered in her office marking . That is , until Duncan wanted to see Star Wars : The Force Awakens again . Yes to the sweetness of slicing . They headed out to see the show last night and were back within the hour - the theatre was sold out . All they could get was tickets for the 11 pm showing . That is a late show for me . All of the treats in the world on my lap , I would still not be able to stay awake , so I stayed home … and ate oranges . Duncan loves Christmas . His dad offered to give him the cash that would otherwise be spent on a fresh tree . " So near to Christmas , it really isn 't worth getting the tree , " Steve said . That was no argument for Duncan . He would rather have the feel of Christmas than the feel of cash in his pocket . He likes to have the outside Christmas lights on and he likes to have the tree lit . When I go to bed at night , I sometimes turn off the tree lights but he is still playing games in the family room . When I get up in the morning , the lights are back on the tree that is in the front room . It is the last thing he has done before going to bed . Turn them back on . How can anyone love Christmas more than that . When unwrapped there were lots of electronics and new T - shirts . I have never heard of O2 , but those shirts were keepers . I heard words of gratitude all day about those gifts . I know why I hit just about my all time low of doing posts - once by legs slowed down in the summer , so did my typing . The bad math is that I thought , surely if I type a bit over the holidays I can finish off the year with a post a day . That won 't happen . I thought I had only ten to go , but no , 30 in 5 days is expecting too much from me . It is time to start wrapping up the year though - move phone numbers from the 2015 daytime to the 2016 daytime or add birthdays of new borns . How about going through every page in that old daytimer and try to see if there are any things on those lists that I might still be able to do ? That would be frustrating . Better to leave those things unnoticed and also undone . Rebecca and Bonnie have switched over to a new style of planner . Passion Planner . There are places for work - to - do - lists , personal - to - do - lists , and one list for " infinite possibilities " . And the Canadian Tire isles were empty , even with their 70 % sale . Rebecca and I have the groceries to make spring rolls , and I thought I might get some butter lettuce to add to them , but no butter lettuce and a sad day when a person goes into the store and there is nothing to buy . I did see some customers at the deli . I think I will do that when I get too old to cook . Just stock up on those lovely salads . But until then , I will be happy with the new belt and hope that it represents how low I am wearing these jeans and not pounds gained around the waist . We hopped in the car and went to view It 's a Wonderful Life : snacks , the big screen , a movie from 1946 that has lasted the test of time . And the price was right - - $ 6 each . Our theatre was full . I was worried that we would never get in , but no , the long line up to get past the concession and into the theatre was created of potential Star Wars viewers . They like to come costumed . We were in our Victoria wear : light coats , and no snow gear . When I think about extended families on my side , if there are children , they are mostly grandchildren now . What brought this to my mind is the large amount of food that is consumed here by the 14 and 16 year old . The dishes are hardly done before someone is looking in the fridge again . So when Rebecca and I shop we try to find something that wasn 't eaten last week , or the week before . Normal , I think to look for something new . I wanted to cook a turkey for Christmas but turkey has a bad wrap here - - too dry they say . That might be true the way that I have cooked it in Christmases past . Rebecca slipped some endive into our cart this time . " We are going to have that wonderful salad we had in Paris last year , " she said . " I had learned how to do it in Spain and I think I can find the recipe on the blog . " Endive , either stuffed with corn , tomatoes and olives , or stuffed with mandarin oranges , walnuts and feta cheese . Now this doesn 't supplant turkey , but it was a lovely mid - day Xmas snack to stave off that usual over - snacking on . . . chocolate , chips , even those lovely mandarins , I can 't stop eating . She had face - timed me around her house a few days ago and I saw another new creche , but only two pieces . One she bought in Spain and all she could afford for now , she said . So there on her shelf was minimalist Xmas as far as the nativity scene , only Mary and Joseph , but sparkling in tiny pieces of coloured glass . From Duncan 's hands to Rebecca 's a gift was tossed , but it bounced off of the couch and hit my leg . How could a cylindrical gift have that weight , I thought . I picked it up and tried with braille to see what it was . I was as surprised as she when it unrolled into a magazine : The iPad Manual : Bring your iPad skills right up to date with the new IOS 9 and its new apps . Even though I don 't have an iPad I read through the manual . Beautifully written and so clear . Rebecca said , " Even though I know 75 % of what is in that book , it was excellent to read the pieces that I don 't know . " The adults had agreed . No gift exchanging . But there was a large box for Steve . Opened , it contained the keys of the new - to - him used car he has been driving for a couple of months . And Rebecca feigned surprise over a present she had probably wrapped herself . Yes , it was her empty iPad box - - a new iPad she called out with amazement . Her old one was swept up from my house and stored in the garage last August and to be without one hurts - - for her . She uses it when she teaches . There can hardly be a better testimonial for an iPad than that . We talked about the best Christmas evers , for all of us . Rebecca told me thank you for the Grade 7 gift of a clock radio . The boys remembered an x - box gift from Verlaine . " Oh she loved giving you guys presents . " I still own the second hand cedar chest I received when I was 18 . Is the whole day today called Christmas Eve ? Is there a Christmas Eve Day and then a Christmas Eve eve ? There have been both for us for no one was out of bed by 9 am when Rebecca said , " Let 's do it . Let 's go shopping for those last minute items I like to give to the boys . " They both get a box load of groceries : drinks , crackers , cookies , candy , canned meat ( yes , Spam ) , the exotic and the different - stuff that doesn 't come into the house usually . Peppers , a grocery store in Cadboro Bay Village , was the first stop . Well , not really - the Pharmacy was the first stop . A red letter day for me . I had collected all unused opiates - the 30 's , the 10 's the 5 's , the fast acting , the slow acting , all of them into a white paper bag and delivered to the pharmacy . " A red letter day for me , " I said to the pharmacist , " I couldn 't have a better gift . Five days , opiate free . I need them . And now I don 't . A big day for me . " But back to Peppers . The employees were having a contest : the worst Christmas outfit . One of the cashiers at the front had on one of those embroidered Xmas sweaters that is also lit like a tree - miniature lights flashing on and off . There were other Christmas sweaters , some of which I thought were quite beautiful so it is a good thing I wasn 't the judge . Rebecca thought the most disturbing costume was an elf hat , the peaked point of which would flip one way and then another . " Disturbing , " she said . I was taken with the hat shaped like a turkey , but with a smaller Christmas hat decorating the ends of the drumsticks . There was a reindeer head . The costume I wanted to imitate was one where an employee had taken a Christmas garland and artfully draped it over her shoulders as though it were a shawl . That might be the contest to end all contests . When I got tired of watching the employees in costume , I turned to looking at the shoppers , since Peppers is in an exclusive housing area . Rebecca remarked to a woman about her embroidered boiled wool vest , " Exquisite vest " . The woman looked a little embarrassed but her daughter spoke up , " My mother made it . " " I would like one , but I know the number of hours it would take to make one would make it cost prohibitive to me . What you are wearing is an art piece . " The woman 's daughter agreed , and the woman just seemed to shy over the whole thing to say much . I had to switch back and forth to the left and right of one woman after I spotted a piece of cut rock on her finger that stretched over two other fingers . Beautifully set and a magnificent shape . I hardly got to see any of the groceries on the shelves , I was so busy between employee costuming and customer outerwear . The perfect bulk barn was next door , bulk everything , especially candy - the penny sweets had already been bagged and priced , so there were no twist ties or bulk bin numbers to fumble with . We had already tried to find Christmas candy corn ( red white and green as opposed to the Halloween colours ) . The employee at Save - On foods says they have been soldout for over a week . As well , at the bulk burn there were little wrapped chocolates , the fin foil in colors that looked like lady bugs with black legs hanging out and butterflies with gossamer wings , and silver and gold wrapped money . I told Rebecca that the boys would get all of this good food anyway , so to wrap it up and have it under the tree is like getting a gift and grocery package two for one . The day was warm . " I haven 't lived here long enough to get over the surprise of green lawns and a mild temperature yet . I wonder if that day will come , " said Rebecca . I man was jogging down the street in a muscle shirt and shorts . A beautiful green hedge had been trimmed up and over a charming wooden arch . I stepped over a small garden at the side of a street . Pansies were blooming close to the ground . I hope Santa Claus can find this lovely spot tomorrow - he may pass over it for what else more does Victoria need . What is there to tell . A tub of Kelvin 's with a lift to aid getting in the tub . The ceiling looks like soft clouds floating by . There is an armoire for his clothes , shelves for the proverbial equipment that goes along with a CPap machine and a self - cleaning razor . Rebecca was the one who did the intake with Kelvin at Clifton Manor and she did it again at Seton . The intake this time was different . She had left Clifton with a Greensleeve that was packed . When she went there in the first place there was only the personal directive and the goals of care . You will remember that getting information was impossible - that is , getting your own information seems to be impossible . But the Clifton Manor people are not the first flaw . For when Kelvin went in , they didn 't know if he was a lock - down patient or if he was more able to get around on his own . There hadn 't been an assessment . That didn 't give Clifton Manor an advantage . There are a number of dementia people at this facility as well , but it is not full of people in the halls calling out " Help me . Help me . " Hearing that is not calming . Dinner is lovely at the new facility . The noise in the old room was deafening , so many people in the room and the ceilings were so high . No salt and pepper on the tables in case someone takes too much . That has all changed . Now dinner has two seatings : 5 pm and 5 : 30 pm . If you are early for your seating , it is OK . You can sit and wait in a clean place . You can sit anywhere you want . There is a book at the front with a picture of all of the residents , so the questions , do you like a big serving or a small one are already answered for the caregivers . The floors look nice and there are paintings all around the wall . There is a pillar in the centre so lines of sight are disrupted . Soft dinner music starts playing an hour before hand . As the second seating is happening , the first is being cleaned up . They have laminated visuals , do you want the egg salad sandwich or the deli sandwich . And now the residents can see an accurate picture ; they don 't have to ask what the bread looks like . There is a lot of yelling : Why did you decide to come to Canada ? How do you spell your name ? Where did you live ? And a lot of nodding and smiling , because no one can hear the answers . Everyone already knows who Grant and Boyce Johnson are . The workers already love Grant so Kelvin can ride in on his coat tails . Grant has lost a lot of memory but underneath is a good person , wanting to help . And finding ways to help . What is there not to love about a person like that . The best way to grow old . Under Kelvin 's core is a lot of loss and anxiety but not so much memory loss . The other people on his floor are often 93 years old or 95 . Kelvin feels like the young guy on the block . The Shaw guy gave Rebecca his card , if we want anything else set up , like the Internet . But we can 't figure out what Kelvin is actually wanting . He is wanting to go to his grammar book and find some reference to it and then go find that book , somewhere on the internet . To get there , Kelvin would still have to have a university login . He wants cutting edge research on " elocutionary force " , but no , he needs a person sitting beside him full time , and then he would start giving me grammar lessons in between as he tried to do with Rebecca . Rebecca could see she had left carnage everywhere , bolts and screws , cardboard , packing materials . It was 1 at night and she was still programming Kelvin 's phone so he can phone Betty Sabey and as many of his kids as there were numbers for . Rebecca went to Best Buy Mobile and said , this is an old guy , he has a flip phone and I don 't think he can learn the new ones . The guy said go to Kudo which might be underneath Telus . You could buy either said the guy , but I think the flip phone will be best . Rebecca found a $ 35 land line phone , with no long distance on it . He is to use his cell when he wants to call long distance . And for now , he carries the phone everywhere with him during the day . That helps . The church building is 1 . 2 kilometres away . Instead of shuttling across town to the old Bow Valley Ward , he will go there , to a very young ward , Auburn Bay Ward . A lot of babies crying but that is hard for people with hearing aids , since they can 't keep that noise off . The other alternative is just to shut the hearing aids off . The new ward has been split , so the old driver won 't be able to pick them up yet , but eventually maybe Grant and Kelvin can go together . Right now Kelvin is good , getting to church with Access Calgary . Les Steimeyer and Heber Jones picked up Kelvin 's electric chair from Richard , furniture from downtown and delivered it to Seton , which we are going to underline again is a l - o - n - g drive . How to thank them ? There is no way . We are going to be left in their debt . Rebecca let Kelvin help her put the TV stand together . She had the French instructions in front of her . He would call out put part " Y into part C " . She had the picture in front of her , so that worked , even though it didn 't work . The question as to whether Kelvin is happy is answered yes by , there are salt and pepper shakes at the table . Yes . He is happy . The ambient noise in the dinner room is gone . The lady from next door at the other place , who used to barge into his room yelling is gone . In the new place , just keep your door shut if you don 't want people wandering in saying , " Hello , it is time for dinner , " when it is only 3 pm . The bottom line at Seton is . . . yes , it is quiet . We had pre - purchased tickets for Star Wars : The Force Awakens yesterday . The day has been circled on the family calendar for weeks , Duncan sometimes going to that blessed Friday and just pointing at it , as though all of us were participating in his anticipatory pleasure . We left without Alex , since he wasn 't home and by the time we passed over MacKenzie , Steve was asking Siri to phone Alex . Sure enough Alex 's voice was heard on the phone , " I came home in time to see you drive away . " We circled back for him and then proceeded to get Ben who lives well downtown . Steve was apologizing to the boys about being late , but we had 3 minutes to spare - which really means we had 15 minutes to spare since the trailers for upcoming movies take that long . Steve pressed snack money into the hands of all three 6 foot plus teenagers and out to the foyer they ran . Alex had asked for cheap treats at the theatre which made both Steve and I guffaw - the word cheap cannot be applied to movie concession stands in my mind . I saw some costuming on the theatre patrons : a man in a long black flowing coat , and a woman dressed as the new protagonist - Rey . That was fun . As well , I sat by a man and his son , and as I settled in , he welcomed me to the event . Soon he was pressing his cell phone into my view , telling me that what he was about to show me was the best spoiler of all time . I read the one - liner - lucky for me that I knew so little of what was to go on , that I didn 't catch on to its significance until the movie was over . On the way home we tried to think of the best one liners in the script . I liked Finn 's job description . But you will have to see the movie to know what that was . And I thought Rey 's occupation was equally fun . Not a lot of costume changes in the movie . But watching it in 3 - D was wonderful . I was sure that I was hit a few times until I got used to ships coming in from behind me , over my left shoulder . When I arrived in Victoria a couple of months ago , these tickets had already been bought and had names on them . In the course of time , some people had to drop out and that is how I got to one of the first showings of Star Wars : The Force Awakens . By the time the new sequel comes out , I just might have my own costume ready to wear . Why not join those for whom a movie of this proportion is a cult event . The climb back was uphill all of the way . I lingered at many of the iron gates that were closed - locking people into their estates . Gorgeous homes , well manicured lawns and everything so green and beautiful here . All of the residents , able to take the same walk I took , down to the ocean . Rebecca is helping Kelvin to make the move to Seton AgeCare on Friday . They visited today for four hours . She asked him what he wanted her to bring for food rather than going out . She doesn 't like driving on the Alberta icy roads and he doesn 't like walking on them either . So they dined in and enjoyed an evening with Chinese food - - a perfect antidote to too many sugar cookies and too much Christmas cake . " The concert starts at 7 pm . The Jazz Band has to be there at 6 : 30 pm . " Neither Steve nor I could figure out what the jazz band would be doing . Setting up chairs . It wasn 't until I was talking to Duncan at the foot of the stairs as he was shining his shoes that I caught on - the jazz band was to be performing in the foyer as people walked in to take their seats . That put some heat on us to get there on time . Duncan had already checked out his clothes and he looked fantastic - bright yellow tie on a black shirt . As we were driving out of the driveway and down the street Steve said , " Got your music ? Remember , last time I had to go home and get it . " " Well , I didn 't really want anyone to know . Mr . Awai just said to me , Duncan , you take that solo , and there wasn 't much I could do but say , yes sir . But I have been worrying about it for days now . " Two hundred and fift - six performers in the evening : the first band , the second band , the first choir , the second choir , the third choir , the first strings group , the second strings group , the third band . You get the idea . And those who weren 't playing at the time were cheering the others who were . The evening was full of songs I love : Leonard Cohen 's " Hallelujah " , " Lo , how a rose ' ere blooming , " Mozart 's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik " by a string quartet , Mel Torme 's " Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire " . I think the only way he will do it is if Mr . Awai says , " Duncan , I want to see you at men 's choir . I studied the conductor , both out in the foyer and in the gym . Doug Awai wore a Santa hat and had a bright red and green Christmas tie on . The black of his suit jacket and his pants told me that they were separate pieces . The trousers were long , maybe about six inches longer than what might have been his normal leg length , so I am guessing all of those folds at the bottom of the trousers are a statement of style . His body was full of rhythm , his legs tapping , his shoulder rocking to the music , his head going forward and back , attached to his neck which also had a rhythm of its own . His hand would be tapping the piano , or he was a holding a stick and a bell . " A one , a two , a three , a four " and then in double time , a one , two three , four and away they went . PS Steve told Duncan since it was his night , he could go anywhere he wanted afterward . I thought Duncan would choose to do a treat run through the isles of Save - on - Foods as he does with his mother . No . He decided on a Diary Queen ice cream cake . Life is sweet here . Take a look at the Christmas Train from Lethbridge . It is going across the big train bridge . This is almost the same view that Dan and Marina get from their living room and kitchen window . It will be here in Sicamous on Wednesday . I have no idea if this is true or not . But given that he thinks the relief is less than ideal , I decided to do some shopping therapy by stopping in at the university book store which is on the bus loop in Victoria . If the acupuncture wasn 't ideal , spending money should be . The shopping therapy didn 't work either , for I didn 't buy anything . . . . enjoying the Xmas decorations in the UVic Bookstore . . . But beautiful Xmas ornaments were half price . I touched them , took a few into my hands , hooked them over my fingers and let them swing until they stopped and then I put them down again . There was a 4 inch high Eiffel tower , sparkling with reflected light , some globes that held birds as though they were nesting , and some wooden silhouettes of Christmas trees - - all lovely , but we don 't even have our tree up yet . This is so unusual for me - - being a person who gets her decorations up on December 1st so that I can enjoy them for the 25 days before Xmas . Now I will be enjoying the tree after Xmas . I like mixing things up like that . Last Spring my mom and I decided to do some gardening . We were trying to flip over a wheel barrow , but my mom accidentally dropped it . It made a loud clang . All require preparation of one sort or another and I have been typing for her . My goal is to see if she can talk while I do 9 single spaced pages of typing . She thinks that my font is small or my margins too narrow when it feels like the pages aren 't going fast enough . But no , I quietly type , and let spell check and grammar check do their work when my fingers can 't keep up with her words . By the end of the night we were both tired - wanting to press on , but neither of us could find energy to work at the speed we had been operating during the morning and afternoon hours . I opened one of her new art books and she opened another . We took out some paper and coloured pens and tried to re - create the images in the book . We chatted - - and let our pens work . I became more and more engaged in creative work that I don 't usually do . Art . I do go to museums and read art books , but I never pick up a pencil and try to imitate life with lines . Examples of bird 's ears and eyes , animal teeth , fur , fish scales - though it seems obvious I had never been able to tell which of the animals was a beaver until I saw how those two front teeth were drawn . Part of the evening was that I didn 't have a pace that I had to keep , nor anyone making comments or even watching . I worked and reworked images through the evening hours , commenting to Rebecca how restful the time felt . Duncan did come by and watching us , picked up a pen himself . Wyona told me she has been watching u - tube videos on how to paint with water colours . She comments that there is so much on utube for a person to learn . I feel the same way about the lovely books - so many evenings ahead for me to enjoy . Forgot your password ? Email the Paladin . He will remove you from the contributors list and re - invite you to the blog . That seems to work in re - setting your password .
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Both grandmothers are sick and unable to hold the little guy . I think it 's very hard for both of them because he is just so darned cute . Hopefully they will both be better soon . We had lunch with our friend Heather yesterday . She and her husband Jim are contemplating parenthood and she reads my blog to find out what it 's like . We aim to be helpful here at How Is Jack , so I 'm glad someone is getting good information out of it . I think the thought of becoming a parent is actually much scarier than doing it has been . To answer Amy 's question , I did not attend Notre Dame , Joe did . As with most Notre Dame grads he 's very into the football team . / / posted by Jack and Nicholas @ 10 : 25 AM 0 comments Thursday , December 30 , 2004 I just received my Christmas gift from my brother . He made a dvd from video and pictures he took over the Thanksgiving Holiday and in the hospital when Jack was born . I got to see Joe walking down the hall dressed in a surgical suit presenting his new baby to the family . And I got to see the little guy when he was only minutes old . This is why I am against c - sections . The surgery / recovery part was nothing . But seeing the little man all alone on that table being poked and prodded for 20 minutes just about broke my heart . He should have been with me . The whole point of natural childbirth is that you bond with your baby right away and he is not scared by a bunch of crazy nurses right at first . And he doesn 't spend the night alone in the nursery . More than one person has told me I am too hard on myself . I suppose if more than one person says it I should take heed . It 's funny to hear this , because I think the same thing of my mother . Here you have the most incredible woman on the face of the earth - she 's talented , creative , intelligent , funny , compassionate , and can cook anyone out of the kitchen , and yet she is constantly criticizing herself . I didn 't have a picture of Jack from yesterday - he was in a bad mood most of the day . Luckily last night we both got some good sleep - he slept for 5 hours again which is very nice for me . So here he is this morning after I took off the sling : The nice thing about the sling is you can wiggle out of it without disturbing the baby . Then he just keeps sleeping in his warm little cocoon and he isn 't shocked by the cold bed or anything . I love that sling . Today is Joseph 's birthday . Happy Birthday ! We 're going for sushi tonight to celebrate since I couldn 't have sushi during my entire pregnancy . Jack attended his first Notre Dame football game last night at the Insight Bowl . Unfortunately the team has completely fallen apart with the loss of their coach , Tyrone Willingham , and they played like a bunch of 3rd graders . It was fun to go to a football game though - I haven 't been to one in years . It was at Bank One Ballpark , and we figured they would have the roof closed because of the rain . No such luck . It was clear when we arrived but started to rain shortly after the military men parachuted on to the field . The roof there does not close quickly , so we got pretty wet before they managed to get the field covered . I had to feed Jack in the middle of the 2nd quarter , which was slightly challenging . I think I scared the guy next to me . It 's so funny how people react . And to be honest I would have been the same way a year ago . But I refuse to go sit in the bathroom to feed the baby - I would have missed too much . And I swear you can 't see anything , but my god these guys act like I 'm walking around naked or something . It was pretty funny . I have to say that taking a baby out to things like this is not easy . It certainly disrupts his schedule ( no more 5 hours of sleep for me ! ) and it 's difficult to keep him settled in that environment . But it certainly beats the alternative - I just can 't sit home all the time . That 's my mom 's friend Renee in the background . My mom couldn 't hold the baby because her other grandchildren got her sick over the holiday . I just called her and she sounds even worse today , which is awful . I know she can hardly stand it that she can 't pick him up . Today we have lunch with my dad and a quick trip up to Jessica Knits . We 're both pretty tired from last night , so I think tonight we 'll just hang out at home . / / posted by Jack and Nicholas @ 12 : 19 PM 3 comments Tuesday , December 28 , 2004 I went back to the gym yesterday in honor of Jack 's one month birthday . It was great to get a little exercise and get out of the house at the same time . Joe was home in the afternoon because his office was closed , but he tried to do some work while he watched over the little guy . Unfortunately the guy did not cooperate - he fussed and cried and demanded attention . This was the longest Joe spent alone with the baby and I think he got a small taste of what my days are like . So last night I put him to bed around 9 after he ate - this is a little earlier than normal but he hadn 't really had any good naps all day so I knew he was pretty tired . I woke up at 2 and he was still sleeping ! That 's 5 hours . Joe was up too , and we were both worried . I made him check to make sure the baby was breathing , then I just sat there and waited . Of course he woke up momentarily and ate again , but I was surprised he went so long . I guess it 's okay that he does that now that he 's a little older . I talked to my friend Natala on the phone last night . She asked me what one thing I wish I had known before having the baby and I couldn 't think of anything . I guess I knew a lot of the stuff intellectually , but until you are actually here with the kid it 's impossible to know what it will be like . I suppose it would have been nice to know that a c - section isn 't all that bad , because I was pretty nervous going in to that . But other than that I pretty much knew what it was going to be like - lots of diapers , lots of laundry , very little sleep , and hours upon hours of breastfeeding . / / posted by Jack and Nicholas @ 8 : 57 AM 0 comments Monday , December 27 , 2004 Jack is one month old today . Hard to believe he 's only been here a month considering how completely he 's taken over our lives . We think he 's started to smile , and I tried to get a picture of it unsuccessfully , but every time Joe would go over and talk to him last night he would smile . So here he is just looking at Joe instead : I need to clarify about our bad Christmas Karma . This year it was the heat , I think last year was fine but two years ago we came out here from California with the dogs . They did not get along with Tom and Gloria 's new German Shepard and we ended up putting them in a kennel . Our dogs are not kennel people to say the least . It was really awful , and Lucca barked so much during her four day stay that she lost her voice . Every time we drive by that kennel ( mistakenly called a " Pet Resort " ) , we remember sending our dogs to jail . Jack and I have recovered from the holiday . We didn 't leave the house at all yesterday - we both just slept and ate and slept some more . And watched James Bond movies because Spike is having the 007 Days of Christmas . I just love Sean Connery as James Bond . Last night Jack slept for close to 5 hours , which was wonderful . But then I think his little tummy was so empty he ate a little too much , because he then proceeded to get sick all over himself . So then I didn 't know if I was supposed to feed him again or just leave him be . He looked really sleepy so I just put him down and fed him again in two hours . I can 't believe how many times something happens with him and I have no idea what I 'm supposed to do . My adorable husband bought me a fake tree . It 's 8 feet tall and very bushy , and looks very much like a real tree . I am so happy I could dance around it all day long . The only downside is it gives off an incredibly strong smell of plastic . I 'm hoping this scent dissipates with time . Christmas overall was a success , although Joe and I are convinced that we have some weird kind of bad Christmas Karma . We went to Gloria 's , here is the little guy with his grandmother and great grandparents . ( Oh yeah , and us ) We got home Christmas Eve after dinner at Gloria 's and our heat was broken . Arizona isn 't typically very cold , but it did get down to 37 degrees that night . We lit the fire , wrapped the baby up as much as possible and toughed it out . Everything was fine until about 7 a . m . when the fire alarms started going off - I guess they didn 't approve of the fire being lit all night . I have never heard something so loud in all my life . Jack slept through the racket - he didn 't even open his eyes when I picked him up . So we opened gifts and got ready for church . Now , I 've taken Jack to parties , knitting group , shopping , out and about everywhere . He is always very well behaved , usually sleeping through anything with lots of noise . Of course this was not the case in church . About half way through he started screaming bloody murder and we had to leave . Joe thinks he has issue with Papal Doctrine . I think he might be Presbyterian . Either way , we did not make it through Mass . On the way to Gloria 's we stopped at bought a space heater . This is going to have to get us through tonight as well , since all of the heating companies seem to be too busy to come out and fix our problem . I am relieved it is December 26th . I feel like the pressure has been lifted and we can get back to life as normal . I think the festivities were a little much for Jack . He 's passed out cold right now and probably will be the rest of the day . Three days of celebrating is a lot . So yesterday morning Jack and I went to cookie party , where he was quite a hit with the ladies . Mac was there , as was Max , Diane Bickford 's grandson . I think there were 40 people total at the party but luckily not many of them felt a need to touch his hands or face . My mom is very bad at being the germ police so I know a few hands got through when she was holding him . India , a daughter of one of my mom 's friends , was dying to hold the baby . She washed her hands so I let her . ( See ? I do let some people touch the baby . ) Then we had dinner with my parents and opened gifts . I led a campaign this year to have my family make gifts for everyone and it was great . My dad made me a wonderful jewelry box , and a quilt for our bed ( I won 't have a picture until next week ) . We had take - out from Thai - Pan and drank some wine . A lovely time . It was difficult for my mom to open her gifts while holding Jack , but she managed . Today I have wrapping to do . We are going to church at five and Gloria 's at 6 : 30 . When we get back we will sip champagne by the lights of the tree , and enjoy our brand new family on our first Christmas together . It 's hard to believe that someone else 's vision of Christmas and what it means will come from me . I imagine Jack in 30 years with a wife somewhere , and if he 's not with me I hope he 's missing me . Julie Clark wins Mother of the Year 2004 . I spoke with her last night on the phone about how Mac is doing . Let 's just say the child will be ready for Pop Warner Football this spring . I think he may have doubled his birth weight in 6 weeks . Okay , that 's a little bit of an exaggeration , but the kid is big . And he 's eating a lot to support his continuous growth spurt . I will spare you the details , but let me just say that a weaker soul would have thrown in the breastfeeding burp cloth long ago . If you see Julie ( which you probably won 't , she 's constantly feeding the kid and can 't really leave the house ) , please pat her on the back and buy her something to eat . Now that the stress of trying to be mother of the year is off my shoulders , I can show you these pictures of the boy last night . Sometimes I make him wait to eat and he gets very angry : I 'm not talking hours here - more like 1 . 5 minutes while I wash my hands , get a drink of water , or go to the restroom . He just can 't bear to wait for food . Poor guy . Today is cookie party at my mom 's house . I know several people will want to hold him , I just hope no one is sick . Apparently I have the reputation of not letting anyone touch the baby , which is just fine with me . The only way babies get sick is by people touching them with their germy hands or kissing them with their germy mouths . There is no way I 'm going to risk having him get a cold or the flu just so some random person can touch or hold the kid . They will just have to wait a bit until he is bigger . Yesterday was a blur - Jack stayed home with Gloria and I ran out to shop in between feedings . There is nothing like the added pressure of a potentially starving infant at home to speed up your shopping . I went armed with a list and set destinations . I can 't believe how much I accomplished in a very short time . It was such a relief to have Gloria here . Joe and I were talking last night about how lucky we are to have babysitters . Really my mom and Gloria are the only people I trust enough to leave him with , so if we didn 't have them I would be much more tied down . So most of the shopping is done . We still don 't have a tree , and Joe 's work schedule is such that we probably won 't have one until Friday . In Italy they don 't put up their tree until Christmas Eve , so I guess we 're following that tradition . The child does not sleep in the crib , so it has become additional storage for his clean , unfolded clothing . I do not care that his clothes should be neatly folded and put away , he pees on them so fast I feel like the clothing rotation is faster than a roulette wheel . I am going to fold them and put them away this morning , only because I can no longer set the little man in the crib while I was my hands after changing his diaper , and this has become inconvenient . We went shopping yesterday which was pretty tiring . I ended up feeding him in the car after lunch just to avoid the problems of trying to find a good place to nurse . It worked well , my parents came with me and hung out in the new car getting dizzy on the smell of new leather . It 's very difficult to Christmas shop with a baby I 've found . The stores are very crowded and people are always in the way . And finding places to feed him and change him are challenging . I ended up changing his diaper on the floor of the bathroom in Sur La Table . Not fun . So today Gloria is coming over to watch him and I 'm going to run out and try to get everything done in one trip . Then I 'm going to make cookies for the party on Thursday . Wednesday will be for wrapping . And maybe having lunch with Parley if he can fit me in to his busy calendar . Jack had another bath yesterday , and this one was significantly easier . I just plopped the little guy in the sink on his Safe Bather and washed him . He wasn 't entirely happy about the situation , but he didn 't scream either . I was also able to keep all the pictures G Rated . I 've never owned a big car - I 've had two Honda Preludes , a convertible mustang and a Nissan Sentra . All two door sports cars . Now I have the opposite - four doors , three rows of seats , all kinds of storage space . Today we 're going to do some Christmas Shopping with my parents . They are looking forward to seeing Jack I 'm sure - I think they go through withdrawals when they don 't see him for a day . We 're going up to Kierland - a great shopping center in North Scottsdale . It will be Jack 's first ride in the new car . Well , it 's official . Jack is 3 weeks old and I 'm already a soccer mom . The beloved Mini Cooper is about to become the property of Bell Honda , and I will be driving and SUV fit for children . Those of you who know me will not be surprised that I shed a tear at the departure of my little car . It was so fun and wonderful . But it stressed me out with the baby , he didn 't really fit in it , and I was constantly worried someone would side - swipe me and smash him to bits . I was planning on being such a cool , hip , young mom with my fun car . No such luck . Don 't get me wrong , I love the new car - it 's a black Honda Pilot . I can 't wait for it to get here . It 's like driving around in your living room it 's so big and comfy . And it 's a much smoother ride , plus I can see above other people . It 's like I 'm suddenly tall . It 's just that I feel like a part of my life is gone . This process of becoming a mother is challenging to say the least . It really does change you completely - I couldn 't even think of what I wanted for Christmas this year ! It 's as though my entire identity has suddenly become wrapped up in this tiny little creature and his needs . Getting rid of the car was merely a symbolic step in losing a part of myself that I know will never be back . The funny thing is that our friend Heather just sent me an email this week asking how it was working with the Mini . She just bought one and , like me , thought it would work with kids . I had to tell her the truth . But maybe it will work for her , who knows ? Yesterday we took Jack to Vincent 's Farmer 's Market . If you 've never been I highly recommend it - he serves sandwiches , omelets , crepes , pastries , paella , soufflé , and various other items . You can have a mimosa or a can of Sofia , our favorite sparkling wine . ( Yes , it 's in a can . It 's really wonderful . You can get it at Cost Plus if you 're interested . ) I thought of an answer for my dad when he asks what motherhood is like . You have to be a sports fan to appreciate this ( which is odd , since I don 't consider myself one ) . It 's like you are a college football coach for a team that used to be bad but is suddenly having a really good season . You 're winning a really big game against some great old rival on their field . You 're feeling pretty good about yourself . Then towards the end of the game your players dump an entire cooler of Gatorade over your head . Yes , you 're freezing and sticky and wet . You 're probably shivering . You sucked your breath in with shock , and may be coughing from inhaling liquid . But you 're also happy and proud and overwhelmed , and all the feelings mix together into one incomprehensible experience . And that 's just the first day . Yesterday Jack had quite an outing . We left at 10 to take my car in for its regular maintenance . My mom picked us up and we went to Jessica 's to do some yarn shopping and knitting . Here is the little man being comforted by Grandma : If you 're really interested in seeing what I bought at the yarn store you can head over to my knitting blog . The car was not ready for a while , so we went back to Grandma 's house and Jack rested . Luckily I thought to put something under him while he slept , otherwise the guest room quilt would have been ruined . He 's such a cute little sleeper I had to take a picture : Is all parenting about trial and error ? Two nights ago Jack did not sleep a whole lot - he was eating every hour and a half , so when you figure in the 20 minutes of feeding and a few minutes for diaper changing and getting me a glass of water , I slept about an hour at a time . I was exhausted yesterday morning by the time Joe went to work . He said " I wonder if he 's cold ? " Considering the hormones that produce milk in my body are the same ones that allow people to spontaneously combust or to breathe fire , it is quite possible that I have been under - dressing the baby . So last night we decided to bundle him up in a warmer outfit and swaddle him in a blanket . We had to leave his arms free because he likes to keep them over his head as if he were signaling a touchdown . Lo and behold , he went 3 hours and 45 minutes between eating . Do you know what that means ? I slept for 3 hours straight , twice in a row . AND another hour and a half before Joe 's alarm went off . Yesterday I took Jack to the office for a meeting with Rob Sutton . He behaved beautifully , although I did have to pick him up halfway through the meeting and stop him from crying . Here 's how he felt about the prospect of having his diaper changed on a conference table : He was fed and changed so I thought we 'd swing by Old Navy and see if I could buy some real people clothes . Just a hint to those of you out there with new babies . Don 't go shopping two and a half weeks after giving birth . It was depressing how big I am and I almost cried in the dressing room . But Jack took care of that for me . He woke up just as I was wheeling him in the room and he was hot and didn 't know where he was . Screams erupted from the little man and I know the people in the other stalls were marveling at his lungs . I didn 't have a choice but to plop down on the bench and feed him again . It worked very briefly , but I ended up leaving without buying anything . I think we 'll be shopping on line for the time being . Today he went to visit Gloria 's class . It was the last day before winter break so I wanted to be sure the kids got a chance to see him . He likes fifth grade , especially since he 's the teacher 's pet . Yesterday I started going a little stir crazy . I didn 't have anywhere to go , and packing the little guy up without a destination didn 't sound like a great idea . So I moved us out into my office and finished off some Christmas presents . Jack seemed to be happy with the change of scenery , here he is napping : I talked to Julie yesterday and we were marveling at how the doctors said these babies are supposed to sleep 15 - 20 hours a day . I don 't know what newborns they are talking about , maybe ones with a strong Tylenol PM addiction or something , but certainly not my guy . He spends a good part of his day looking around and solving the world 's problems . What did alarm me is that Julie said she 's been trying to occupy Mac while he 's awake . Am I supposed to be occupying Jack ? I wear him around in the sling as long as he can stand it ( he doesn 't like his movements restricted too much ) , but then I put him down . How the heck am I supposed to occupy him ? It 's not like we can play games or anything . And he can only see 12 inches in front of him so most activities are out . We listen to music together , and sometimes I sing ( not well , mind you ) , so I 'm hoping this counts . Today we 're going to my dad 's office for a meeting . And we 'll probably go shopping for some regular clothes since I have absolutely nothing I can wear . My maternity jeans are starting to not fit , and of course all my pre - pregnancy clothes are locked away . I don 't even know what size I am right now , it scares me to think about it . But we have an engagement party Saturday night and I 'm just going to have to break down and buy bigger clothes . After our horrendously bad night , Jack had a pretty tough day as well . My mom thinks he had a stomach ache , so obviously I ate something that didn 't agree with him . She came over and did my laundry and cleaned the kitchen , but more importantly took care of the little man so I could take a shower and go to the store . I was so exhausted I felt like crying when she left . Luckily Joe came home and whatever was bothering Mr . Friendly seemed to subside . He went back to his normal pleasant self and I actually got a little sleep . I think my brother is a little jealous . I told him everything our mom is doing for me and he keeps saying " You are so lucky . " Of course I know this . I know he and Anne are raising 3 kids without the almost daily help I have . But , last I checked , no one made them move to Denver . So there . It may be hot here in the summer , but it 's certainly worth it having both our mom 's here to help out . Jack was up all night last night and I don 't know why . Usually he is such a quiet guy unless there is something wrong , but we couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him last night . He would just barely get to sleep and then wake up again and cry . Of course he fell asleep this morning about 30 minutes before we were set to leave for the pediatrician . He slept the whole way there and I had to wake him up for his exam . He was not pleased . But the doctor says he looks great and is doing fine , and we don 't have to go back until he 's 2 months old . Now the little guy is sitting here looking around . I know he is tired , he just won 't go to sleep . It 's maddening . If I try to lie down he screams . But if I sit here at the computer he seems fine . Luckily my mom is coming over this afternoon so hopefully I can get a little rest . Yesterday we went down to Tom and Gloria 's so they could spend some time with the baby . Grandma Elaine came as well - she hadn 't seen him yet - and Aunt Jodie and Terry . Here is Gloria holding Jack : Of course Kim looks fabulous . You would never know she just gave birth - she 's so calm about the whole thing . Angus is adorable and has a pretty big cry - he got hungry while we were there . Parley came over for dinner last night . He had never held the baby because he was sick when I was in the hospital . He 's an old pro , as you can tell : Jack had another big day yesterday . We had breakfast with my parents at a place in Scottsdale called the Breakfast Club . Here is Jack hanging out with his grandma : One thing we noticed is that we are much more popular at parties with a baby . No one used to stop and talk to us before , now everyone at the party comes by and looks at the baby . Speaking of babies , Kim had hers ! Yesterday afternoon Angus William was born - I know Kim was very relieved she did not have to be induced . Here he is : Jack had his first bath today . For a complete set of pictures go here . Here he is contemplating the situation , or begging his father to put the camera down , I can 't tell which : Today is my mother 's 60th birthday . Happy Birthday Mom ! I have always appreciated my mother - she 's one of those people who you can 't help but admire . But now that I have a kid I appreciate her even more . The sacrifices and work you put into raising a child well are incredible . Thanks mom . In other news , Kim is just about to have her baby ! She went into labor last night and while I was on the phone with her this morning her water broke . I 'm so excited , I can hardly stand it . We still don 't know if it 's a boy or a girl , so I 'm on pins and needles awaiting her call . I 'm going to visit her tomorrow so I 'll give you all an update then . One of my worries during pregnancy was post - partum depression , but I have to say I feel quite the opposite . Maybe I have post - partum mania . Part of it has to do with the fact that I 've lost 25 pounds of the 50 I gained so I feel considerably better . But even with very little sleep these days I feel surprisingly good most of the time . I have more energy than before , I can move around easier and most importantly I can have wine again ! That being said , as we were driving home from meeting Julie and Meghan yesterday , I had the most stressful moments of my entire life . Jack was screaming bloody murder from the back seat and we were stuck on the freeway in horrible traffic . He was so mad and hungry and making so much noise I thought my head would explode . I got him home and had to have some Mylanta because my stomach was upset . I fed him and he acted like he hadn 't eaten in a week , when it had really only been just over 2 hours . Yesterday was a bit of a challenge for me and Jack . Those of you who talked to me on the phone will recall that my voice sounded incredibly tired . Jack is not a fan of the disappearing bottle , so the morning was spent consoling him this further injustice in life . Fortunately I did get a nap , so when it was time to head out for our various parties I was at least somewhat rested . He woke up to eat ( I 'm getting better at feeding him in public ) , and then crashed again for the rest of the event . It 's funny , because when I was pregnant he would always fall asleep at knitting . Something about a room full of talking women knocks him right out . A big thank you to everyone there who didn 't touch him , especially on the hands ! Today is another big day - doctor 's appointment , shopping with Grandma S , and then I 'm meeting Julie , Mac and Meghan out in Tempe . I 'll probably collapse at the end of it all . I think I got about 5 hours of sleep total last night , which really isn 't enough . I should try and squeeze a nap in somewhere , maybe after the doctor . Name : Jack and Nicholas Location : Phoenix , Arizona , United States Jack and Nicholas live with their parents in Phoenix , Arizona . They both spend a good part of their day devising ways to keep the staff busy . The staff , of course , consisting of parents , grandparents , aunts , uncles , friends , and neighbors .
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I got an unexpected Christmas present Friday : The lung nodules were stable . Unexpected in that I didn 't think they 'd call Friday ; I was pretty sure the lungs were OK . So it was late and I still wonder whether to leave my doctor , but I am not dying ( from that anyway ) . Most of the songs in my top 10 are religious - - from my youth - - but whimsical and joyful . I think the latter is because that is what Christmas should be . Religion too . The former because religion was so much easier when you 're a kid , and you just accept God is awesome . I know God exists , but there are an awful lot of gray shades that I didn 't have to worry about when I was listening to : I was looking for a video of this perennial closing hymn at St . James when I was a kid ( They also used Oh Come All ye Faithful , which is not as good . ) , and came upon this version . I forgive the running together of verses because of the Tambourine Guy 's unbridled joy , which is what this song and Christmas is all about . We may have ISIS and ebola , but " the Lord has come . " When younger , I used to mock Mom 's Christmas Revels album . I can 't get enough now . Sorry , Mom . Again , who doesn 't wish for someone who loves and protects them ? This is my favorite piece from Handel . I like " the government shall be on his shoulders " line . The world could use a wonderful counselor in charge . Sunday was the shortest day of the year and I have been waiting since then for the sun to return . I suppose in theory it has , but it has been awful gloomy this week . I haven 't seen it . The place where I was getting my therapy - - I went twice and wasn 't enamored - - charged me $ 95 at my second visit . I paid it but thought , that 's a steep co - pay . Then I got the Explanation of Benefits and it said I owed $ 20 in co - pays . What was the $ 75 ? Apparently , you aren 't allowed to reschedule appointments . My original appointment was Friday . We rescheduled the Tuesday before for the Tuesday after and got fined $ 75 . I had a CT scan Dec . 8 to make sure my lung nodules are stable . The technician said my doctor should have the results in a few days . I called my doctor and left has a message that I had the scan and to let me know when she got the results . I called again Friday and left another message . On Wednesday Mom called and talked to someone who said they didn 't have the results yet . On Thursday she called radiology and they said they 'd send the scans right away . I called again Monday and left a message . Still nothing . It 's not all been bad . A friend at work made me some delicious buckeyes . The next day she spotted my water bottle was leaking , fixed it and said , tell your sister , I 'm looking out for you . It 's been kind of a gloomy year in Matty 's Toyland : no new action figures . And by new , I don 't mean MOC ( mint on card ) or MIB ( mint in box ) . I mean I didn 't get any action figures this year . In fact , counting the nine pounds of figures I sold on eBay last month , I 've had a net outflow of figures . If that isn 't sad , I don 't know what is . For the unenlightened few , Megos are perhaps the coolest action figure made . Our ( my brother and I and a friend ) favorite game with them was to take some fishing line into the upstairs of Gram 's house , run it from an upper story window to the ground , then slide the Megos down the fishing line . Most of them had hands that easily held the line . At some point , we decided it would be even more fun to put a tub of mud underneath the fishing line and try to make the heroes fall off the line into the mud . ( Some still have mud in their crevices even now . ) To the right of the Christmas Story lamp are the three Kings . Black Falcon is the only official Mego among the kings . He may be my favorite Mego ; I think it is the boots . I am afraid I am falling vicotim to typecasting here : I needed a black king . The Spirit is next from right . Granted few kings wear suits , but one of the first Spirit stories I read had in some Far East setting , and he was awesome . Next is Dark Phoenix , a woman so not technically a king but she is wearing regal colors , and trust me you don 't want to tell her she can 't be a king . Leading the kings are a few lead knights I made when I was far too young to be playing with molten lead . Kid Flash is not at all new , but I did buy him new boots this year . Before he was wearing high heels . Can you imagine trying to run in heels ? He 'll be playing the part of the plucky little shepherd boy . Hulk has promised in advance to smash nothing . Shazam is not new either but he has been put away because she was shoeless and capeless . This year , I replaced both and brought him back . I think with that wild hair Thor is best suited to be a shepherd , which means Superman and Shazam will compete to be the angel . I envision it as a Kingdom Come - like struggle . " Shazam , shazam , shazam ! " Or the Rocketeer could be the angel . What an awesome movie ! If I had an action figure of his co - star Jennifer Connelly , she 'd definitely be the angel . That leaves Green Arrow and Daredevil , more shepherds , I reckon . Green Arrow has the right weapon for a shepherd , and Daredevil would not have to worry about leaving the flock to find a lost lamb because who could sneak away from him . Here are the ones from 2007 , 2008 , 2009 , 2010 , 2011 , 2012 and 2013 . These posts also have some background . And God must be amused by this because I have not been struck down yet . When I work from home , I use my phone to play music . That means I often go to the bathroom without my phone . Stupid ? Yes . Yesterday I found out how stupid . As I went to the elevators to leave today , a woman and her boss were getting off . He is our chief technology officer , a very nice guy . The woman is nice , too . At my office , when you get out of the elevator on our floors , you are greeted by locked double glass doors . Our ID cards open them and entry is easy : I push the button , the door opens inward , and I scoot inside . Leaving is less easy . The door still swings inward , and it swings into the button . So I need to go up , hit the button , back up , go around the opening door and exit . My sister and brother - in - law got new furniture recently , which meant they were going to get rid of my old Laz - Boy recliner . Instead . I decided to get rid of my chaise and reclaim my recliner . I am not sure what it is about winter . The skin on my feet feels paper - thin , and my legs feel more jittery . The result is my feet rake themselves on the wheelchair or the shower chair almost daily when I transfer . And it hurts ! It also doesn 't matter that it is about the last thing I wanted to do . I 'd rather curse using words even my sisters don 't use regularly . I 'd rather cry and sob . I 'd rather curl up on whatever floor I am on , damn God to hell , then wake up from this awful FA dream I don 't do any of that . I put my helpers at ease I let them know that I am OK and that helping me won 't be a trying emotional experience . And by laughing and making fun of myself , I try to put myself at ease and let me know I am OK . I 'm not sure I really am . I stopped today . My footrests were getting stuck in the ground , so I stopped to raise my chair . I 'd say that was my doom , but honestly I was doomed the moment wheel hit grass . I wound up having to call my sister , who pushed and pulled for a while then got my other power chair for me to transfer to . Somehow the other chair did not get stuck . and I got to the driveway . Then , my sister drove boards under the wheels using a mini - sledgehammer . I called Dad because it killed me not to be able to help . Right as he got there , my sister managed to free the chair . In The Simpsons " Bart After Dark , " Bart is hanging onto a gutter when a caterpillar starts crawling on his fingers , which tickles and makes him lose his grip and fall . Right before he plummets , he says , " Help , help . I 'm gonna die . " But he is laughing as he says it . This morning I got out of the shower and went over near the sink and storage bins . I hadn 't put my seatbelt on because I have to stand up to put on my boxers . But before I could do that I lost my balance and fell forward . Of course , then I had to reach my phone while bent over . I called my sister , and she sent me brother - in - law , who came in , saw me , and just said , " Interesting . " I agreed , and then he helped me out . I am feeling poorly . Spring would make me better . . . until I realized that the warmer weather didn 't fix everything . Then I 'd be crappy again . I admit that cold weather calls me to hibernate , but even in warm weather I am not energetic . I used to walk Claren in the rain and snow . Now ? Forget it . I do little on weekends and don 't mind at all . Most people like weekends because they don 't have to go to work . I like weekdays . I know I have to go to work . I know I might feel bad . I know I can do it , though . On weekends I have to do little , and that 's what I accomplish . I hardly had time to register this before the woman running the clinic was calling and motioning me to the front of the line . I am in the top tier of folks who ought to get flu shots , and it is possible she knew that . More likely , she was letting me engage in one of the three perks of a wheelchair life - - cutting in line . ( I figure there are three but can 't think of them . ) I recently asked my sister to tell me if I ever become too hard for them to deal with . It 's not that I have gotten appreciably worse ; it 's just that having a 135 - pound lump - even one who occasionally buys dinner - is no fun . Trust me , the lump isn 't having a blast either . And like most people , I have been bombarded with right - to - die stories recently and people commenting on these stories . Someone wrote how mad it makes her that we can end our pets ' suffering but not our own . I love Claren as much as possible , but she 's a dog . She 's not a person . She 's smart , but she does not have an intellect . She 's a dog . Someone else wrote that everyone should be able to decide when it 's time ( if terminally ill ) . But why just terminally ill ? It seems a slippery slope until anyone can decide to kill themselves . Also , maybe not now or tomorrow but how long before someone who did kill herself is used as a line in the sand to justify killing someone who isn 't asking to die ? " Well , Joe thought he had no quality or life when his lung cancer spread to his brain . well be doing Brian a favor by killing him . " Your body 's systems shut down during death . How can any self - inflicted death be dignified ? You are forcing your body to give up . In sports , teams that are losing badly aren 't considered dignified if they give up . They 're dignified if they fight . Mom needed to bring my warm comforter over , but when we were leaving after dinner to walk Claren , she said , I don 't want to carry it during the walk , so I 'll bring it up at 10 and get you settled . I pointed out my brother - in - law would be there , but didn 't argue . I mean it is easier to have Mom tuck me in . she takes off my shoes and socks and whatever . Somehow I didn 't fall . . . yet . I stayed on the edge of the seat and tried to recover . But all for naught . I finally fell . I had talked to my doctor about my restless legs , which she said wasn 't the typical issue . With me , the bottoms of my feet , itch is the best word , and moving helps relieve it for a moment . Even if it was atypical , Dr . B . was certain it could be treated with medicine . But neuro drugs aren 't high on my to - do list , so I said I 'd wait and see . It helped at first . I didn 't like the taste , but if it kept my legs relaxed , I 'd drink Guinness . So I kept drinking it . Until my sister heard of it . She has hardly stopped mocking my decision , even if the evidence backs me up . She was talking to a niece when she found out , and they both ridiculed Mom and my decision - makiing . I have been having a few drainage issues lately . My sister helped me change after the last one and told me : I know why . It 's because you stopped drinking camomile . Shooting drilvers At lunch at the Cheesecake Factory yesterday , this little girl kept turning in her chair to stare at me . I waved at her and she turned away . This happened a few times before I decided that the parents might not condone a stranger waving at their daughter , so I stopped . So on Friday , I asked my sister if they 'd be around . She immediately became suspicious - - it was as if I asked her to pass the sugar . She relented when she heard we were just planting seeds . But I may be in trouble now by showing the drill . It was at a loud bar , and I couldn 't hear a lot . It was crowded , too , so I couldn 't move easily . But neither bothered me too much . A number of people sat down and talked to me at my level , and people came to me . It was wonderful . I know I made the right decision to leave . I love my job and the folks I work with . A lot of the people at the party aren 't at USA TODAY anymore either . I know it is very different now , too . One could argue that she knows me poorly . Perhaps , though , I save my pessimism and sadness for when I am home . Which isn 't fair , I realize , but . . . This afternoon , for instance , I was on the floor brushing Claren , and I just tipped over . I decided to just lie there till Mom came over in 30 minutes . As the time got nearer , I decided I should try to get up to prove I could . Only I couldn 't . I tried hard and could not get up . That makes you feel like crap . As if I didn 't know . Ever since I got her , it has been clear that a awesome as Claren is the top dog . ( Actually , she 's the only dog . I 'm a boy . ) But yesterday was beyond slow . A really sharp wind was gusting in my face , and it made it feel like I was biking up K2 . I even got passed by a dad pushing his son who was learning now to ride a bike . Appointment makes it sound more official then it was . Insurance doesn 't cover ongoing therapy , so after much searching , I found a PT student to come over . We go through the exercises I got when doing PT a while back . He was great . He said he read up on FA before hand and was going to do more before we meet again next week . He also threw in another exercise he thought would help . But that was 13 years ago . Before two kids ; hockey , lacrosse , soccer and flag football games ; an awesome housemate . . . Surely , things have changed . The fruit looks good . If I were a bird or squirrel , I 'd eat it . But nothing eats the persimmons . The fruits grow and weigh down the tree . Last week , a big hunk of the tree broke off . Today was not a great day weather - wise . I didn 't really want to go for a ride , and I didn 't have swimming . Mom and I decided we would cut up and pick up the branch . We worked for maybe a minute before my sister came over to help , saying something like she was not going to let her " crippled brother and 80 - year - old mother " clean up the yard . Mom is 75 . Then my brother - in - law came out . He asked me if I really wanted to be doing this . I assured him I did , so he started helping my sister . Then he started using the clippers , and his little power saw came out . I teleworked today because I had to go to MetroAccess headquarters to renew my license . I did not want to go to work because last time I tried being picked up at work and dropped off at home , I got dropped off back at work . It was survivable in that the old location was near the subway , but I was not willing to tempt fate in our new location . Because I teleworked , I was ineligible to take advantage of the two - hour early dismissal at work . Mom does my phone dealings with them and yesterday got a reminder that I 'd be picked up at 12 : 30 for a 2 : 30 appointment . ( It would take probably 20 minutes to get there but whatever . ) She called this morning and got the normal recording , so we were a go . At 1 : 15 , Mom called , and the operator told her the building was closed by a maintenance issue . This same issue caused them to close yesterday , so it was not a last - minute emergency . The operator told Mom that they had not had time to call us yet to let us know . Their phones open at 8 , so that means they had five hours . Even if they only have one operator and each call takes five minutes , they could have called 60 people . But I am not sure I like the idea of people buying me essentially a cool toy . And it is one thing to want to climb the Alps like the Von Trapps when I am in a chair and know it is impossible . But if I had a way to do it and just couldn 't get there , that would be awful . Not that I want to climb the Alps , that was just what popped into my head . When , I asked , will you stop hurting me ? It wasn 't that I wad particularly pained at the moment . I was more just really annoyed . I had been outside in a messy area in our yard . I wanted to pick it up a bit , but had to stop because I kept getting stuck . The past three mornings I have had to call her shortly after my alarm went off . The first two times I fell getting out of bed . ( Note to self : Find a better way to get up . ) She came down right away to help me . She doesn 't even wait to see what I need . She answers her phone : " I 'll be right there , " and she is ! Well , except today . She sent her husband . I hadn 't fallen , though , I just could not find my light switch . We found it . Lord knows how many diseases I have been exposed to , probably I 'll come down with Jumping Frenchmen of Maine , which may be my new favorite disease . Kuru is still fun , but you get that from eating human brains , not from nasty contact with sewer water . I used to use Ebola , but with Ebolans in the United States , as a self - respecting hypochondriac I can no longer joke about getting Ebola . In fact , just writing about it may have exposed me . All right , maybe I won 't come down with some odd disease . Well , other than the one I have . But it was still gross to be sitting on the toilet , have it flush and get water all over your butt . It was too much of a problem to block the flush sensor every time , so I asked to have it made manual - flush . I don 't recall waking up at 5 : 30 , but I started having a dream . We were at a big family gathering . There was a movie out with revenge or vengeance in the title , and everyone kept asking me about it . I couldn 't figure out why , and when I asked , Mom said something about how it summed up my life . Now I was really confused . The Dream Matt was the same as I am . I don 't live a vengeance - filled life , although I would not have minded if the two maintenance workers I saw using a disabled parking pass found themselves in chairs . I asked again , and Mom laughed and repeated what she said before . But then my uncle and godfather said , " Well , it 's like this . . . " And my alarm went off . The other half thought , " Holy spit , it is hard to be in a wheelchair . " It then devolved into , " I should never leave home , I am trouble , " etc . All depressing stuff . Yesterday , a biker slowed as he passed and asked if I was OK . We then had a little chat about riding . Or when I got home today , a neighbor asked if I wanted help up the driveway , which I need . She did , despite the two dogs she was walking . It is a four - way stop , but to give myself extra time , I wait till no cars are around . Today , though , a car showed up right as I started across . Normally , that means they just have to wait while a really slow hand - cyclist crosses the street . Twice this week , I have found myself in the grass next to the sidewalk at work because the right side of the chair has gotten hung up on a bump in the sidewalk while the left side has handled said bump fine . Granted , I have been going fast on the sidewalk but actually not too fast . I cut my speed after th left side caught a few weeks ago and almost sent me off the curb . That 's not all , of course . A fender , which was loose for a while , came off . The fenders come off fairly easy because they are at a level where they catch on things and they are held in place by just the pressure of several screws , meaning the fenders have no screw hole but a U - shaped area that sits behind a screw . I even did with malice aforethought . I got up this morning and thought , " Screw it , I 'm riding like this . ' I mean it is not really any sillier than some of the biking outfits people wear . It isn 't , but that is not the real reason I wore the lobster pants . I did it because changing clothes is the bane of my existence . Or rather it is one of my many banes - - stairs , jerks , Kanye West . . . It is just a freaking pain . I have to stand up and bend down . Pull things up , and take off my glasses to get my shirt on . It takes way longer than it does for people not in wheelchairs and frankly , I don 't have time for it . My older sister was having a party at a fancy restaurant , which required a collared shirt . I argued with anyone who 'd listen that I should be able to wear a pullover shirt with a banded collar . But no , I had to wear a stupid button - down , which means I need to get someone to button my shirt and tuck it in . But me ? Give me one outfit that I can sleep in and wear until I shower . Then I switch to Outfit 2 . Neither has to include lobster pants , but lobsters are pretty stylish . When I got home , not having fallen , I took a short nap and then planned to head down to Mom and Dad 's with my niece , who I was allegedly babysitting . Notice the word planned . We did get there ; it just took a little while . I got up , and as I transferred to my chair , my feet got tangled . I was still holding on tightly to my bedside stripper pole , so I didn 't fall . But I couldn 't get my feet straightened . I called my niece , who is 11 . She came into my room and without a second thought grabbed me around the waist and started heaving . She is a tiny girl but apparently wiry because she was lifting me a little . Embarrassed ? It is hard to claim I am embarrassed by my elimination situation ( i . e . peeing and pooping ) or by things a wheelchair makes mighty inconvenient ( i . e . everything ) . I write about these things all the time . I was pointing the faults out , so they could be fixed . And I think they will be . But it is a strain . The most amusing part : When I took someone into the restroom to show him the tightness of the wheelchair stall - - only to have it occupied by a non - wheelchair user . Someone at work asked me what I had for lunch . I told her PB & J , and she said , how old are you ? She didn 't even know Mom and Dad makes my lunch . I wonder if I should ask them to start making me real - world , adult lunches ? The second time I managed to keep both shoes on , but it was 5 : 35 when I got back to bed . I debated whether to get back in bed as my alarm would go off in about 40 minutes . I did . I got up with my alarm and was transferring when Claren caught my eye for a second , but that was enough . I spun to the floor . I was unhurt , just annoyed . I could not easily reach my phone , so I persuaded Claren to bark , but that only sometimes works . Our soundproofing really rocks . Next , I swung around my pole on the floor and called my sister . My brother - in - law actually came and helped me up . Well , if , for instance , the rental screen said CC on it and there wasn 't closed captioning , that would be bad . But , come on , what are the chances of that . I mean sure , it happened last week , too , but surely that was a fluke . A company would not advertise captioning that wasn 't available . Except that it wasn 't available on Spider - Man . It said it was . This is now the second movie I have been unable to watch . It seems to be movies listed as " early release . " So apparently , people who are hard of hearing and miss a movie in theaters need to wait to see it . Nice . My sister and one of my 21 - year - old nieces are mad at me . I am mad at me , too , but not for the same reason . Stupid eyeballs . Mainly , though , I dragged my feet because I didn 't really want someone to tell me I was going blind . ( It has actually happened before - - a doctor wrote that a spot on my eye was on the wrong eye , and when he saw the same spot on the other eye he thought things were just falling apart . ) Problems with your eyes are not that odd with FA . I kept getting adjustments on my glasses and cleaning them because both helped , but I never told the glasses place the problem . And they didn 't charge me full price . For my daily glasses , I paid just $ 30 . For my sunglasses , I paid regular price . But they 'll be new frames and all . Mostly , I am mad I was scared of going blind . And I am mad I stayed quiet . A tiny part of me is mad my sister is right . It happened again Friday after my nap . No one heard my first call for help , but my niece heard the second . She came in and said , do you want me to move the chair out of your way ? I was a little cocky Wednesday morning . I had just slept through the night for the first time in I don 't know how long . No needing to relieve myself , no itching and jumpy feet . I just slept . So yeah , I felt good . I forgot to ask for it back right away , and she went off to another job . I asked her next time I saw her to stop by my desk when she had a chance . I left shortly after that , though , planning to just get my bottle Monday . She was horrified when I told her . She led the way back to my desk , got my bottle , then held out her wrist for me to slap ( I lamely missed ) . She stopped by my desk several other times to apologize and make sure everything else was back where she moved it from . She also told me sternly that if such a thing happens again , I am not to ask her to stop by sometime . I am instead to tell her forcefully to come over and fix things NOW . And I doubt I will engender much horror when I complain about the toilet - seat covers . They put the dispenser for the sanitary covers in the most convenient spot for them , the stall wall next to the toilet . Any other place would have meant drilling into a real wall . The problem is , though , I lean on the stall wall to stand . Now , I lean against the edge of the dispenser . I don 't think it is dangerous , just uncomfortable . I am not alone at work . I have plenty of advocates , and all the time I gain new ones or find ones who have been advocating without me knowing it . One co - worker moved the big couch as out of the way as possible . I passed a woman with a clipboard in the hall . She asked how easy it is to get in and out of the office and took notes as I showed her . My sister 's family went away for the weekend , so it was just me and the dogs . Yes , and Mom and Dad to care for us all , but I was often alone with the dogs . Claren was more hang - dog than usual , acting pathetic when I played with Kenny . I recognized that tightness on my first look and noted that the tight quarters included the wheelchair stall , which is smaller than other wheelchair stalls . I fit fine - - there is no extra room . Maybe that is a good thing , keeping me from falling . Well , actually , it hasn 't kept me from falling , but I have been able to pick myself up . So thanks ? While I disliked the loss of maneuverability right away , I was sold on the number of stalls - - five total . Surely with all the options , no one except a wheelchair user or someone needing the grab bars would use the wheelchair stall . The close quarters of the stall also made me optimistic . I know big guys use the bigger stalls , but why use the narrower one ? At this point , I am laughing and ready to go roll into traffic . I knew she had a baby and I saw things that looked like funnels . She works on multimedia stuff , so I assumed it was a funnel for pouring chemicals . But only artsy - fartsy people still use a darkroom . AHHHHH ! For those wondering about the XXX , it was at that point in the retelling that my sister said , was it a breast pump ? She and Mom then cracked up . I don 't know what that says about me or my sister . She 's like Radar O ' Reilly . I hadn 't even got to the funnel description , and she knew . But it 's not that easy to either get the Post - its out of my pouch or affix them to the toilet . And as far as retrieving the note post use , I am not just failing . My average is somewhere around 33 % , with notes in the toilet or other stall . ( And yes , I considered writing post poop , but I use them post pee , too . ) I have been in my new office for three days , and I haven 't been to Toys R Us yet ! I have , however , broken some tile in the bathroom . Actually , I did that six hours into the first day . It was pretty poorly applied tile if you ask me . I bumped into it , and it came off the wall , hit the floor and broke . A friend high - fived me for getting the first break out of the way . So door issues seem solved . I won 't swear I won 't break a door because only one side of a double door opens and that is narrow . But that is on purpose , so we 'll just have to see , and be careful . I think I am being pragmatic . It 'll work because I will make it work . And it doesn 't hurt that the new office is next door to a Toys R Us . Not so great : All the bars , and the wall , end before the front of the toilet , so you can sit down OK . I can stand up , too . I can 't however , pull my pants up or clean myself off . Not so great : Getting a shower chair in or out is like parallel parking a limo . I went back and forth countless times . This is made all the harder by a big old lip on the shower . My 25th high school reunion is this year . The person on FaceBook who invited me said she hoped to see me there . I wanted to say why , not because I have no self - respect but because I am pretty sure I never spoke to the gal who invited me . I am not sure what it would take me to go to a high school reunion . I am not blameless , but that was one of the worst times in my life . I was invited to no parties . The only time I went to someone 's house was to do a school project . I tried to get on a train yesterday , and this hulk stood in the doorway , with his back to the door . It would have been better if he was the Hulk because then I wouldn 't have worried about running him down . A wheelchair would not hurt the Hulk . But this was just a big " puny human . " I was waiting for the elevator , and it came . I started getting on , and first one gal , then a second person , got on before me . You might think that would mean I 'd get off before them then , but you 'd be wrong . Four people get on the elevator with me . All of them got off before , and none even thought about holding the door open while I turned around and got off . I stuck my hand in the door that was about a foot open . I know that is sort of stupid , but I was a bit pissed and maybe not thinking straight . The elevator opened I got off fine . All was good , no thanks to the jerks . I can 't recall doing anything to it . That doesn 't mean I didn 't hurt myself . I use my arms so much . And I am constantly twisting and slipping and stretching . Of course , I wasn 't fine . I was transferring back to my chair from the toilet and my foot got stuck . i made the transfer OK , then tried to pull my foot free . Instead , I pulled myself off my chair . I tried getting up , but my feet kept sliding . I decided that help would make it easier , so I called Mom to tell her I was a liar who did need help . I say " forced " not because I didn 't want to see it - - and it was awesome , though one sister might start crying if she sees it . But when the alternative is going home and taking a nap , I have to force myself to do anything . Plus , I had to ride three subway stops to get to the theater . AMC does have captions . That is wonderful . But the caption device sits atop a gooseneck support that fits in the drink holder . You adjust it so you can see the captions and the movie . I don 't have a drink holder , so I have to use the one on the movie seat next to me . This means the gooseneck isn 't really tall enough for me in the wheelchair . I wind up reading the captions , then looking at the screen and vice versa . We had training on evac chairs we 'll use in our new building . I did not really want to be transferred to a stair chair and slid down steps , especially not at 8 in the morning . But training is no good if people don 't know what it is really like to transfer someone who can 't help . This annoyed my sister . She thought that I should have said , " I 'll train , but at a later time . " She thinks I don 't request accommodations because I am trying to prove my toughness . Really , it just doesn 't occur to me . With today 's training , I saw a clear solution and that was getting up early . I didn 't really want to , but there is no real reason not to . Other than being tired , there were no bad effects . You wake up normally at 6 : 20 a . m . and roll out of bed . I mean that literally . You roll too far and slip to the floor . Your wheelchair is plugged in , so that means you can 't move it . To increase the excitement , your legs slide forward into your laundry basket . Your toes find the holes in the laundry basket and several are soon skinless . Blood is everywhere , including the trim of the wall . So , you figure , goddammit , I better call my sister again . It was , I think , my first visit to St . James since Gram died . Still smelled the same - - incensey and musty - - like a church should . It all looked the same , except the pews had less wax stains on them . It felt good to be back , then Mass started . Actually , my chief problem is not the ideology and the fact that some people there would prefer to undo Vatican 2 ( more than they have ) , it 's the sound system . I literally heard one Jesus and a few snatches of the Creed , and that was about it . Almost no part of me , at even the worst times , doubts God exists . Too much had to happen just so to enable life , and it did happen . I am sure something started the process of life , something gave the right push to the various atoms into the right forms . I 'll even make it easy : God does not need to fix everything . Any manmade fault is not his business . That means idiots who kill or lead others to are not God 's problem . Someone injured in a car accident - - God does not need to fix . An illness that comes after years of mistreating one 's body - - God gets a pass . And don 't give me that " it 'll be great in the next life . " Screw that . I am pretty sure the afterlife will be good . Who cares ? I am suffering now . Jesus didn 't say , " Sure , I am about to be crucified , but the afterlife will be so great . " And that was meaningful suffering , we 're told . Does my suffering do anything ? He also suggests that everything , good and bad , comes from God . That is more tolerable to me , but it portrays God as kind of uncaring . He knew going into this then that a certain number of repeats on a certain chain of one 's DNA would cause Friedreich 's ataxia , for instance , and he did nothing . My nephew instead runs out and grabs his iPad . He then lies down and starts playing . I point out his mom probably meant resting , not playing . Without thinking twice , he replies " She just said lie down . " And for sure , she did . I wasn 't sure whether to be annoyed or impressed . But I have lately been having problems with trunk weakness . I know my trunk is weak . I have not been able to do a sit - up in years . So I have been bending over at my waist and coming back up . I don 't really know if it is a legit exercise but figure it can 't hurt . I transferred to the toilet safely but a little abruptly . I hadn 't pulled my pants down . So I stood again to pull down my pants , only to have my leg give out and send me sitting down sharply on the toilet . Oh , and my left hand was between the toilet and me . Thankfully , my hand did not hit the water . That 's another thing about FA that pisses me off . I need to be thankful for stupid things like this : that my hand , trapped between me and the toilet , didn 't hit the water . I just finished Skin Game , the latest in Jim Butcher 's Dresden Files . The books follow a wizard in modern - day Chicago , who is a private investigator . He is kind of a cross between Spenser and Dr . Strange , which means he is awful awesome . The books also include a fair bit of good v . evil , religious type stuff . Harry Dresden has a dog , a very big and incredibly smart dog . The dog , Mouse , protects his daughter at school . It has been , we are told , certified as a " medical assist dog , " so it can go to school . I 'll skip over that - - I 'm not sure what kind of school would let a huge dog accompany a child with no adult present , but whatever . Uggg , thanks Jim Butcher . It is hard enough to convince people not to pet service dogs . It distracts them and they serve for rewards like pats . If they get rewards for nothing , why serve ? But no , he has a dog that allegedly has to watch his partner for a medical condition engaging in play with other people than his partner . As I went down the sidewalk - - slowly because Claren needs me to go slow - - the right front wheel touched the curb . It shouldn 't have been a problem . The wheel should have easily bounced up it , and I should have just kept going . Instead , the right wheel banged heavily on the ridiculously small bump , and because it could not flow up the bump , it caused the left side of the chair to swing right . So I was more or less on my way into the street . And at this point , the right wheel does bounce over the bump , so momentum has me headed into the street . . . until my reflexes swung the chair back to the left . They aren 't worried I might hurt myself or others . While I can see that I could possibly off myself , I could never hurt anyone else . And not to brag but hurting myself would hurt others . And another big part is it involves a gathering . That means talking to people and often not hearing replies . It means often finding your way blocked because so many friends and family have gathered . People are more than willing to move for me , but this makes me the center of attention . Or rather , it makes the wheelchair the center of attention . And I am not saying I do not want people to make way for me , but . . . Finally , I can 't stop thinking about that guy in California who killed people because he 'd never been kissed . Hurts my heart , but what makes people react differently ? Unlike him , I blame me for my lack of kisses . On Thursday , I got my chair back . The one - week repair took three weeks , but that was not what made my sister describe it as " un - effing - believable . " Well , she didn 't say effing , but in her defense what happened was pretty ridiculous . My back is hysterically happy to be back in the Invacare chair and my whole body feels better . It still does a poor job of going up bumps , though . Still unhappy about that . We were not racing ! That would be both childish and dangerous . Instead , I was gauging speeds on my Invacare chair , which doesn 't have a speedometer . Then , I get home , lie down to take a nap , and it hits me : I started at USATODAY . com about 15 years ago . That means 15 years full time in a wheelchair . Cheers ! A friend of mine and I decided that when you are bitter , you have two options . You can be mean and angry bitter , which begets pity . Or you can be a funny bitter , which inspires laughter , maybe empathy and even learning . It is a very fine line between the two . I asked my favorite visual artist I am related to to illustrate this . She did an awesome job . It is quite a task . I am definitely bitter . I hope I am funny . I am a 45 - year - old with Friedreich 's ataxia , a genetic disorder that slowly robs you of your coordination and muscle control . I use a wheelchair all the time . And I write .
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Usually Christmas brought feelings of anxiety , of expectations unfulfilled , of family chaos that had only worsened by the addition of Billy 's dysfunctional family to my own . However , this year , I was more the child than my own son was since I was receiving the best gift of all - the one and only gift I really wanted . My precious Billy would be home for the first time in three weeks , and it was all I could do to contain my joy as his arrival date drew ever nearer . He had not even been able to call me , and letters arrived sporadically as he was far more exhausted than he had been during any previous training , plus , unknown to me , he was hurt . I wrote nightly , long missives about how empty my life was without him , and how anxious I was to resume our ritual showers . Of course , my continually enlarging uterus might prove a bit of a hindrance , but Billy had worked around Michael with no problems , so I felt sure he would find a way with very little difficulty . The day after my 22nd birthday , and two days before he was due home , I took Michael downtown with me to shop at Sears Department Store . I wanted to surprise Billy with a new wedding band since chemicals in college had weakened his original band , and eventually the stress of almost daily wear broke it in half . He would not wear it when he was in the field or during training since we had a friend who lost his finger when his wedding band caught on a protrusion of a jeep 's bumper , and when the jeep took off , his finger went with it . I understood this and as long as he wore his ring when he was not in the field , my feelings were not hurt , but he had not had one to wear for several months , and I was determined to remedy this situation . His finger still carried the indentation from the old band , which had also become too small , but I wanted to fill that in with an engraved band , wider than the old one , and more noticeable to any female who just might be as intrigued by his handsome good looks as I was . As we entered the store , I held onto Michael 's hand tightly , and as usual , the escalator , or ' excalatur ' in Michael 's language , fascinated my audacious son . I promised him that later we would take a ride downstairs since I knew the engraving kiosk was at the bottom of the slowly moving stairway , although I could not remember exactly where to find it . As we approached the jewelry counter , Michael begged to go see Santa , but I had told him all week we would visit Santa Claus when his Daddy came home since Billy had adamantly insisted we wait for him , not wanting to miss any part of his son 's excitement . I looked intently at the wedding bands and finally selected the one I liked the best , and the widest we could afford . The clerk left to see if it was available in Billy 's size while I held my breath since he had an enormous hand , at least to me it was enormous , and he wore a size 13 ring , which was not a common size . Michael chattered away at a mile - a - minute about what he would say to Santa Claus , but not wanting to break his little heart , I told a little white lie and said Santa Claus was not at this store . Mostly the ' tale ' was to avoid the inevitable tantrum and tears that would ensue if he thought he missed seeing him . For all I knew , there was not a Santa here , but in all probability , I was wrong . Nevertheless I was not about to cause a commotion with a shrieking 2 ½ year old throwing himself on the ground , screaming at the top of his well developed lungs while kicking his feet and swinging his arms in imitation of the blades of a helicopter . Soon the clerk came back holding a black velvet box and told me this was my lucky day since Billy 's size was the only one in that style left in stock except for the one in the display case , which I had known , was far too small . For just one moment , I let go of Michael 's hand , told him not to move or he would get lost , while I picked up the velvet box to make certain this was the same ring . While I held the ring in my hand , I envisioned it on my handsomThat was definitely my son , but he did know his name , and we had worked on this information repeatedly . He not only knew his name , he knew his address and telephone number , and I was confident he could relay this information to anyone who asked since he had done so several times to friends and family . Now why did they say the child did not know his name ? Was this really my son or some other little boy with a mind as quick and feet as nimble as Michael 's were ? Only one way to find out and that path led me down the disappearing steps to the basement , and I did not see any other frantic mother rushing towards me . The sewing center was just to the right at the bottom and there on a sewing bench sat my ' terrible two year - old ' son , sucking on a cherry lollipop as red as his jacket . He was swinging his little legs and chattering away to the salesman who had obviously rescued him as he came down alone , and was not quite sure what to do when he got to the bottom . Out of breath , I rushed up to my son , relieved and angry at the same time , and said , " Michael I told you not to let go of Mommy 's hand , and you know your name . Tell the nice man your name . " The salesman burst out laughing , of course , I did too , and introducing my son by his given name and myself , I thanked him profusely for rescuing my precocious firstborn . The salesman noticed my condition then said , " I hope this time you have a little girl , they are so much less likely to disobey , and not as quick as greased lightning like most little boys . I should know I have four sons ! " We chatted for a moment about the unlikelihood of my having a girl , and he talked about how his wife had tried four times for that baby girl but had finally given up when their fourth and last son was born . Then Michael , not content with our ignoring him , or left out of a conversation , interrupted , and asked if Santa Claus was here . Before the salesman could open his mouth to answer , quickly I explained that my husband was in Ranger School and we would be visiting Santa this weekend when he got home for his holiday break , so the salesman closed his mouth . That was close ! Then Michael stated he had to go to the potty , so I thanked our Good Samaritan once again , and I asked where the engraving department was and how I could get there and avoid the toy department . Obviously , Santa was in residence according to a sign with a big red arrow , and I did not want Michael to get even a glimpse of the first toy or a hint of Santa . He assured me if , after leaving the restrooms , I kept to the left side of the building near the escalator ; I would run right into the engraver by the ' up ' stairs and would avoid the toy department too . As we left , I heard him call after me , " Good luck with that baby girl ! " Fortunately , the rest of our shopping trip proceeded without incident , but not once did I let go of my little wanderer 's hand . My excursion had been a success since I had bought Billy , not only the ring engraved with our initials , date of our marriage , and the initials MTLI for ' more than life itself ' , but two pairs of new trousers and two shirts to match for the long trip out west . Tired and famished , Michael and I stopped for a quick sandwich at the Rexall Drug Store 's lunch counter we passed while walking from the car to Sears . I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich for my son , a club sandwich for myself , and chocolate milk for both of us and with a deep sigh , I settled Michael into a booster seat on the inside of the vinyl - covered booth so he could not get away from me . When I finally sat down , grateful to be off my swollen feet , I had not realized how exhausted I was . With the packages and my enormous girth between Michael and ' freedom ' , he too settled down and said he was hungry . Again , I thought that never did I remember feeling this tired when I was pregnant with him , but then again , I did not have a rambunctious two - year - old to chase around either . Naively , I thought that surely , I would not gain the weight I had with Michael , and at first , I lost weight , but now I had surpassed that enviable goal by the time of my last O . B . appointment . I knew I could only look forward to gaining even more as the baby prepared for delivery and life in the world outside of my womb . Even the doctor had mentioned that mine would be a big , healthy baby , which was not of any comfort , whatsoever . Barely able to squeeze into the booth , nevertheless I had been looking forward to this respite after our morning shopping and Michael 's unplanned adventure . We still needed to drive out to the fort and pick up Billy 's class ' A ' uniform I had left to have cleaned and pressed for his father 's wedding . Although I asked him if his dress blues would not be more appropriate , he insisted since this was not a ' formal ' I do not think Michael took one bite of his sandwich without asking a question , and I tried to answer them all as well as I could , but I was looking forward to a day alone with Billy , while we shopped for Michael 's Santa . Trish said she would keep him one day so we could do our Christmas and commissary shopping , since Billy made me promise I would wait until he got home . He enjoyed choosing the gifts for his son even more than I did , and this would be a rare treat for us to get away alone . Major Mac had offered to keep him on Friday night while Billy took me out to the Officer 's club for the weekly ' all you can eat ' Seafood Buffet - a late celebration for my 22nd birthday - so I could look forward to having Billy all to myself for one day and one night . My aunt and uncle had been delighted we had asked them if we could leave Michael at their house during the wedding , since I dared not call Bubba after hearing she was still angry with us . I felt terrible she did not understand we were just following Gene 's instructions , and she still was not ready to listen , but I did want to take her Helen 's mink stole before we left for Hawaii . Surely when she heard we were going to move so far away , and Billy most certainly would be leaving Hawaii for Vietnam , she would want to see us and we could make peace , and surely , she would want to see Michael and meet her new great grandchild . Billy and I had both witnessed so much turmoil in our families while we were living at home , neither of us could stand any kind of conflict for more than a brief period . When we had a disagreement , and with both of us being strong - willed , we did have them , although they had become less and less as the years went by , one or the other of us would make peace and not let our anger linger . We were both adamant our children would always have a safe , peaceful , and secure home where they could feel comfortable about inviting their friends to spend the night or to come over to play , something neither Billy nor I could do with any modicum of assurance that World War III would not begin any moment . Never would I cause my children one moment of embarrassment when they had guests , and Billy felt the same . We did not even want our own children to hear us when we disagreed , so we usually bit our tongues until Michael was safely in bed and sound asleep . Perhaps we were creating a false impression that life , and marriage always went smoothly , but I would rather the false impression than the humiliation Billy and I often suffered . There would be time enough for them to learn life was not always perfect , but not until they were old enough for that lesson , and if I had my way , it would be a long time in coming . As we passed the M . P . Security building into Ft . Benning , Michael dutifully returned the salute from the M . P . on duty who saluted the car seeing the blue officer 's registration tag on the bumper , and as always this made Michael smile . He definitely was his father 's son ! I barely took notice since my mind was on Billy , and I was one day closer to being in my beloved 's arms . The busier I stayed both today and the next , the more quickly the time would pass when I could pick him up at Sand Hill and bring him home for the holidays . After I retrieved the uniform , Michael and I went into the P . X . to see if I could find a Christmas outfit for him and , as usual , seasonal clothing filled the racks in the toddler and infant 's department . Naturally , I could not resist looking at the tiny little dresses covered with ruffles , lace and smocking , and on a clearance rack I found a little pink dress with an organdy pinafore , newborn size , reduced from $ 20 . 00 to just $ 4 . 00 . I decided to tempt fate and buy it , just in case a miracle occurred and I gave birth to a baby girl . I justified my extravagant purchase since I knew I could always use it as a gift for a friend , and I was thinking of Trish , although of course , she and Rusty hoped for a boy , but it was a nice dress for a very inexpensive price . I picked up the tiny dress and found Michael some long navy blue pants with a red vest and a red and green plaid bowtie . With his navy sweater , he would have a nice Christmas outfit and I hoped he could still wear the pants by the time we boarded the ship for Hawaii . After I chose a special Christmas card for Billy , my shopping was finished for the day , and so was I ! Barely able to waddle to the car with my packages , and again one hand firmly gripping my son 's hand , I had only to drive through the commissary 's ' basic 's only ' window , and my day would be finished . I still had not taken my son back to the commissary without Billy since I did not have eyes in the back of my head , and it was almost impossible to watch Michael and shop at the same time . He had long ago given up riding in the basket , and now I could not even lift him that high . The next day was cold and damp , a good day to bake , so I stayed busy . I made Billy 's favorite lemon pie and chocolate chip cookies , changed the sheets , and generally cleaned house so there would be nothing left to do but enjoy every moment with my husband the short time he would be home . I had not quite finished stripping the wax from the floors , but I had finished the hallway and the bedrooms . Now they were clean and shiny , but slick since I had used bowling alley wax , which lasted longer than any other brand . Michael had a good time sliding up and down the hall outside of the bedrooms in his stocking feet , but I would have to remember to remind Billy how slick they were . Sleep did not come easily that night , my last alone until after the New Year , so I finally gave up and went into the living room to read a book , hoping that would make me sleepy , but as dawn arrived , late as usual in December , I was still reading . Today was my Christmas ! I would pick up my darling Billy around 4 : 00 p . m . and my heart raced a mile a minute at the thought of his strong arms holding me close , and his soft lips touching mine . The morning went as slowly as the previous night , even though Michael was almost as excited as I was , and he kept me busy by getting into mischief . I finally sat down with him after lunch and read to him , hoping perhaps he would settle down and I could rest until time to leave for Sand Hill . Maybe I could even manage a brief nap since if I could sleep , the time would go by more quickly . I had just finished reading ' The Pokey Little Puppy ' for at least the 105th time , when a cold breeze made me look up , and standing just inside the door , his duffle bag at his feet , was my darling , my Billy ! My heart quivered at the sight of him while a million butterflies took flight in my chest ! Michael jumped off my lap and rushed into his daddy 's arms , while I watched distraught when Billy winced as he picked him up in his left arm without the arching swing to the ceiling that was his usual greeting for his small son . Then I noticed swelling , redness , and the beginning of a bruise under his right eye as I struggled to my feet . Before I could rise , Billy crossed the room in three strides , he put Michael down as he did , and with his left arm , pulled me to my feet and held me so close I could not breathe . Then with a huge smile on his face , he looked down into my moist eyes and said , " Oh God little girl , I had not realized how much I missed you until I saw you . I don 't know how I am going to survive six weeks without you ! By the way , you look pregnant ! Do I know the father ? " I dared not let go of him for fear he would disappear while happy tears ran down my cheeks and salted our kisses , and his teasing question went unanswered as we kissed over , and over , and over again , not once letting the other go . Although concerned about his arm , and lesser so the bruise under his eye since I had become used to seeing him with various and sundry bruises , before I could even ask what happened , he kissed me again , and again , and again , fondling my tender , swollen breasts . Finally , Michael , pushing with all his might , tried to separa " I really did not expect this little girl , " my handsome husband murmured as he gently entered me . " I thought you would not want to have sex with the baby due so soon . " " Oh , my darling , my darling Billy , " I said , " I have not thought about anything else for three weeks . " Then teasing him , I added , " I just hope your shoulder doesn 't hurt so much you find it difficult to make love to me , day and night , and any other time we can be alone . " With his assurance , this would be one wild , wicked holiday , I felt my heart strain under the contained passion , and I shuddered as we soared to the moon together within minutes . Lying next to him after we both were fully satisfied , I turned to him with tears in my eyes , " Oh Billy , my darling Billy , I didn 't think I could stand it another moment not being with you , and I don 't know how I will bear it when you go back for twice as long . " Pregnancy not withstanding , I cried long and hard in his arms as he smoothed my hair , kissed my forehead , held me close to him where I felt safe and loved . Finally he kissed my tears away and reminded me he was home now for almost three whole weeks , with no work , nothing but eighteen whole days to be together , and he promised to take full advantage of this ' vacation ' , our first ever when we could be together day and night for any length of time , with little interruption . He had usually been in school or working , or both , and then again were the obligatory visits with family , we had never had even an entire week when he did not have to leave me . I felt guilty as I realized I almost resented that Michael had to be cared for , since all I wanted was to take care of Billy and to make love to him whenever or wherever we could . Nevertheless , I loved our son , and he was my reward for loving and being loved by his father . Definitely , I was not happy about going to Griffin and having to share him with the rest of the family , but I promised myself I would not let him out of my sight , not for one second , during his time at home . Most of all , I knew this would be our best Christmas ever , and I already had the best gift he had ever given me , and that was himself . It never once entered my mind this would be our last Christmas together . Billy had fallen asleep when I heard Michael knock on our locked door , so I covered my handsome husband with a blanket , kissed his forehead , and went out to read some more to our son , hoping to keep him quiet so Billy could rest . He looked so tired , and I had always been able to tell when he was in pain since he had a certain way of looking at me , like an injured puppy . I did not know much about medical matters back then , but I knew enough that a dislocated shoulder meant a stretched muscle or ligament , and perhaps with two weeks of rest it would heal enough so that he could finish Ranger School . The next phase was the ' mountain training ' where they would learn to repel down cliffs and to climb back up using ropes with grappling hooks . There was little doubt this would be hard on his shoulder muscles , but he would be using them in a different way than during the ' hand - to - hand ' combat phase , so all I could do was pray he made it through without permanently injuring his shoulder , or the cadre finding out ! Billy slept for a couple of hours , and it was dusk before he awoke . Yawning , he sleepily walked into the living room where I was reading my book while Michael watched cartoons . I asked him if the television woke him and he said , " No , just missing you beside me . " He sat down on the couch next to me and we kissed some more while I held on to him for dear life . In my wildest dreams , I never thought I could ever love anyone as totally and entirely as I loved my husband , my precious Billy , and once again , I completely lost myself in his arms . I had decided to make hamburgers that night for a quick meal so we could go to K - Mart before the after - supper crowd came to see Santa , and Michael had been excited all afternoon since his brief nap . When I finally went into the kitchen to fix supper , Billy followed me , stood behind me , put his arms around me , and I closed my eyes and rested my head under his chin . I knew then that he felt like I did - he did not want me out of his sight this holiday either and we both knew it would pass all too quickly . He was hungry though , and while I fried the hamburgers , he finally went into the living room and talked to Michael about what he was going to ask Santa Claus to bring him for Christmas . I heard them talking and thought how blessed I was to have my darling Billy home for the holiday , and all to myself , at least for a few days . Michael 's visit to Santa went much better than it had the year before when he had refused to sit on his lap , just stared at the fat bearded old man with the funny red suit and hat . Although this time , at just over 2 ½ years old , he had a much better idea of what Santa was all about , and for good little boys and girls , Santa meant new toys . He knew exactly what he wanted Santa to bring him and as he recited his list , the photographer snapped his picture , which , of course , we bought on the spot . We looked around the store to get an idea of the cost of the toys Michael requested , but with Trish watching Michael , we would do our shopping at the P . X . toy store where the prices were less , and we did not have to pay sales tax . We could also buy what few groceries we would need for the few days before we left for Griffin . That night , back at home , again with our son tucked safely in his crib , we did not even bother to turn on the television . Rather , Billy took out our old Johnny Mathis albums , and we repeated our afternoon of lovemaking , but this time without worry the phone would ring , or Michael might try to open our door - at least not this early . As Billy held me in his arms , it seemed as if my heart filled my entire chest , and that left very little room for anything else , much less a large baby . He managed to work around the pain in his shoulder and the baby in my tummy , and as always , he made sure I enjoyed our lovemaking as much as he did . Finally tired , for the moment , I lay in his arms and traced his face over , and over with my finger as if to memorize every single wrinkle and scar . Then I traced his lips , those lips that had brought such pleasure to me from our very first date , he pulled me close and once again , we kissed as if we would never kiss again . I knew I would never forget the way his lips felt when they touched mine , or how often I had seen them tighten in pain . However , it was his eyes , those beautiful pure blue eyes that made me feel so very special when he looked at me , or winked from across tThat morning after breakfast , we left Michael happily playing with Elizabeth and drove to the P . X . temporary toyshop where we bought all of the items on Michael 's list , then continued to shop for the rest of the family . We knew we would not have enough money in the bank for gifts for everyone so we planned to shop for my family at Sears in Atlanta the day after Christmas , unless Billy could manage to get some gifts at the store . We had almost finished purchasing what we could afford when Billy sent me to look at baby clothes so he could do a bit of personal shopping on his own . I knew that meant he wanted to shop for me , so obediently I walked over to the clearance rack and once again looked at the tiny dresses and playsuits for little girls . I had not told Billy about buying the tiny pink dress since it was such a frivolous purchase , even though it was so inexpensive , but I also did not want to get his hopes up either . I knew , without a doubt , I would give birth to our second son sometime between the middle of February and March 1 , and I had been reciting the chosen name of Mark William McConnell repeatedly to get used to saying it . Before long , Billy joined me holding a small bag , and we both made three trips carrying Michael 's toys and our other gifts to the car since I would not allow Billy to carry anything heavy with his injured right arm . The bruise under his eye was now very noticeable , and the lower lid very swollen since the injury had just happened the morning he came home . He asked if I was embarrassed about his " shiner , " as if it was the first time , and I told him no more than he should be for escorting a beached whale ! He laughed , put his arms around me where I used to have a waist , and pulled me to him . " Darling , you know something , I think we are going to make it after all . " I knew we were going to make it since I would not let anyone or anything take him away from me , not ever . Not even Vietnam . I would pray every night he was gone and I would get on my knees . I would love him so much he could not die ; at least that is what I thought . We left Michael 's ' Santa ' in the trunk of the car , stopped by Trish 's apartment to pick up our son and to leave a small gift we had bought for Michael to give Elizabeth , and of course Rusty , who was home by now , asked us inside . I did not want to share Billy even with our friends and neighbors , and I knew he felt the same , but we reluctantly agreed to visit , just for a short while . Rusty and Billy , of course , talked ' Ranger School ' , although Rusty said he had no desire to climb up mountains in the snow or wade in the cold water of the swamps . Trish and I visited and talked about - what else - our children , because we never discussed our husbands in front of them , particularly Trish since Rusty had such a short fuse . I noticed Billy watching little Elizabeth with her bouncy blonde curls , and I wondered how he would be as a father to a little girl . He would smother her with love and try to protect her from the world and from the kind of boy , he had been , but I knew unless baring a miracle , he would never have that opportunity since McConnell men did not have girls . After supper Billy bathed Michael while I cleaned up the kitchen and I could hear Michael asking questions a mile a minute . He had missed his daddy too and was making up for lost time . He told him about the ' excalatur ' and the lollipop from his adventure in Sears although I had told Billy about it on the way to Ft . Benning that afternoon . Billy pretended he had not heard the tale at all , and he asked Michael to repeat his name until he had it right , " My name is Michael McConnell ( a terrific change from when he called himself ' Muk Muk ' ) . " Then he had him repeat his address and phone number , over , and over , until he was satisfied the second most important person in his life was safe from being ' lost ' in a store again . Later that night when Major McKenzie asked us over for a ' drink ' , which meant a soda for both of us , she showed us a small personal tape recorder she had received for Christmas , and she recorded Billy talking to our small son about Santa Claus , and Billy asked him to repeat his name , address , and phone number . As I played the tape years later when my wounds were not quite so raw , I cherished the soft Southern accents so obvious on both of my precious boys . How I wish I could hear them just once again . It was after 10 : 00 p . m . when we got back to our apartment , but now we had visited the two neighbors who had so often come to my assistance , and we had exchanged tiny gifts . Major Mac gave Michael the G . I . Joe doll he asked for , while we took her a box of Russell Stover 's chocolates with the card reading " Merry Christmas from Michael . " Billy tucked our son , who was already half asleep in his Daddy 's strong arms , into his bed , and made up a wonderful bedtime story about a little boy and his Daddy going fishing , but Michael was sound asleep before any conclusion was reached . Billy then joined me on the couch and with one arm around me ; he pulled a small box out of his pocket and handed it to me . " Happy Birthday , a little bit late , my darling , I hope you like this . " I knew it had to be jewelry from the size and shape of the deep blue velvet box , about the size of one that would contain a pen set , but I could not imagine what it could be since he spent so little time shopping . When I opened the box , I gasped with delight ! Inside , lying on a soft satin cushion was the smallest of gold charm bracelets and each charm was a letter of the alphabet . I turned it repeatedly since I knew it must say something . " Start with the clasp , " Billy said , impatient that I figure it out , and as I read around the bracelet , huge tears began to create rivulets down my face since the letters spelled out : " More Than Life Itself " with a tiny heart separating each word . " How did you find this so quickly ? " I asked , and he then told me he had ordered it before he left for Ranger School so it would be ready for my birthday . Originally , he was going to ask Sgt . Tuttle to pick it up and make sure I had it on the 16th , but then he decided he wanted to see my face when I opened the box , so he waited until today . His big fingers could not undo the tiny clasp , so I did , then I draped it over my wrist , and held the clasp open so he could place the tiny ring over it , then I closed it , vowing never to take it off . I actually thought about having the clasp sealed shut so I could never remove it . I should have known my romantic husband would never choose an ordinary gift . He held me close and I melted into his arms as I had so many times before , and once again felt I could not ever be any happier than I was right this moment , but I felt that way every time he held me . This night we took our ritual shower and I was almost embarrassed for him to see in bright light the size of my stomach with the multiple lines of stretch marks ! I could not even see my own feet ! Billy took delight in my enormous girth and was quite proud of what he had done ! However , my swelling breasts , which he called " my boobs , " just as he had when I was carrying Michael , delighted him no end . He had finally reluctantly agreed to allow me to nurse this new baby since we would be on the road for so long , and it would be so much more convenient than lugging formula and distilled water around with us . We had heard the change in water from state to state might give an infant diarrhea , which we certainly did not need while on the road , so the water would be necessary , unless I was able to nurse . He was not all together happy about the idea of sharing " my boobs " with the infant , and had told me I could not nurse in traffic , just in case a truck driver might look down into the car , but at least he was not adamantly against it as he had been with Michael . Dr . Rivers thought with Billy 's support , there was no reason whyBut that night , they were ' his boobs ' and he caressed them until my nipples were stiff with anticipation , and impatiently , with plenty of hot water left , we cut off the shower , closed the bedroom door behind us , and climbed into the bed . Every time I looked at him , I became more and more anxious to make love , but he slowly and gently took me to the moon and back , not once , not twice , but several times , then once again , and we fell asleep in each other 's arms . How was it possible that I could love him more with each passing day ? Was there a limit on how much love one could fit into one 's heart ? Surely , mine was so full it could burst right now , but each day when I woke , I knew I loved him just that much more . The next morning , to my shock and Billy 's dismay , his eye was almost swollen shut , and while he could just barely open a tiny slit near the inside of the eye with effort , relaxed , he could not see out of it at all . The color was now vivid , a deep purple , almost black where under his eye he had a huge pouch that was swollen and purple all the way down to his right cheekbone . While he attempted to keep me in his sight with just one eye , he asked if I still wanted him to take me to the Officer 's Club looking like he had been in the ring with Cassius Clay , and of course , I did . Knowing it bothered him far more than it did me , I told him I would not care if both of his eyes were swollen and bruised that I would go anywhere with him , even if I had to take his hand and lead him . Pleased , but I doubt surprised , by my answer , he kissed me long and passionately while I ached with longing , as he said , " I do believe you mean that , little girl . " Even with his injured shoulder and his poor swollen eye , we had a wonderful beginning to our holiday , but I knew it would only go downhill after we got to Griffin . I just had a dreadful feeling someone was going to have a very disappointing Christmas , but I knew it would not be me since I had all that I longed for - my precious Billy . Even though I had told him I would go anywhere with him in spite of his black eye , he wondered how his new ' step - mother - to - be ' would feel about her wedding pictures with him looking like he had been in a brawl . I reminded him that black eyes always look worse before they get better , and by the day after Christmas , I felt sure most of the swelling would be gone , the eye would no longer be a livid purple , perhaps a bit discolored , but I could put some of my makeup on it and it would barely show . He seemed satisfied with that answer and asked if I wanted to put some on it that night before we left for the club , but of course , I did not , unless he insisted . We both decided he would look ridiculous since the eye was far too swollen and purple for the makeup to help much . No , I did not mind at all , and had been with him on other occasions when he had been injured , and twice when he had black eyes , and I was not about to let a bruise spoil our celebration . In fact , we conceived our son because he had a black eye ! Billy dressed in his freshly cleaned uniform that night to go to the club , and in spite of his swollen eye , he looked so handsome he took my breath away , and when he put on his hat , as usual the bill was so shiny I could see myself in it . He always looked so wonderful in a uniform , any of them , from fatigues to dress blues , and I was so proud to be his wife . By the time we arrived at the club , the parking lot was crowded since the Friday night Seafood Buffet was very popular , and why not with ' all you can eat ' of almost every crustacean and fish in season . I had never seen the lot so filled and it looked like most of Ft . Benning , at least those who had not gone to visit relatives over Christmas or had not left yet , were at the club . Billy wanted to let me off at the door since he knew he would have to park at the back of the lot , but I would not hear of it . I wanted to walk with him and there was nothing wrong with my legs ! Besides walking was great exercise for an expectant mother , and I wanted to be with him , not wait for him . I had dressed in the pink jumper I made for the wedding and Billy said he liked it , although I think he would have said that about anything not to hurt my feelings , which were raw and lying right under the surface of my skin . He knew it would not take much to send me running back to the car in tears since I was feeling so sensitive about my size . After all , he had to put up with my multitude of mood swings when I was pregnant with Michael , and again with the baby I lost , when , in fact , I had foolishly almost ended our marriage . Thank God , I thought , I had not given in to my feelings from the edge , and now once again I was carrying his child and our marriage was better than it had ever been , and I could not imagine it not getting better as each day went by . Before he left for Ranger School I decided I would treat him like each day was his last before deployment , and I would make him so happy he would never let anything happen to himself , so anxious he would be to get home to me . I woulBoth of us would have been perfectly content if we had not seen anyone we knew or who knew us , but that simply never happens when you graduate from a military college , and especially when you want to keep a low profile . I certainly could have worn a dress a bit less ' glowing ' if I had a choice , but we had a wonderful meal and saw several couples we knew from The Infantry School and one couple from N . G . C . Of course , the first words out of anyone 's mouth were to ask Billy what happened to his eye , and I will have to say it seemed to be even more swollen than it was that morning , and even the left eye now had a streak of purple under it . He really had taken quite a blow , and had it been anyone except my Billy I would have thought it grotesque . He was becoming more and more self - conscious about it and I knew the swelling was worse since he could no longer see anything , even with effort out of the right eye . I tried to assure him his eye certainly was an afterthought , and anyone who saw me must have decided I was going to deliver at any moment or else was having a multiple birth ! After all , what was a black eye compared to an elephant in bright pink circus tent ! I made him laugh , and then he tried to make me feel less outrageous , but we must have been quite an unforgettable pair that night ! Regardless , we were also probably the most in love . Billy had made reservations for a corner booth , so we were in relatively low light and could snuggle and kiss a bit between filling our plates at the buffet , and he even threatened to blow out the small candle illuminating our table . I have never known anyone who could eat as many fried shrimp as Billy McConnell , and he certainly got his money 's worth with plate after plate of the huge gulf crustaceans . I had to remind him to eat his salad so he would have a more balanced meal , but as usual , he only picked at it . I preferred the boiled shrimp , the crab legs , crab cakes , and the lobster - anything that was not deep - fried , since once again , food prepared that way made me nauseous . I had thought this would pass after the first trimester , but it had only become worse , and now I could not even eat bacon or fried eggs . All during supper , I would glance at my handsome young soldier with the silver wings glistening on his chest , silver bars on his shoulders , and I thought to myself that there could not be any moment more perfect than this . Then I remembered how many times I had felt that way since meeting Billy McConnell , probably in the thousands . My new bracelet gleamed on my right arm and I traced the letters with my fingers , " More Than Life Itself . " Did he really mean that ? He had first said that in a note left on the desk in the library stacks when we were dating and he was trying to get me to sleep with him , and he had continued to use the same phrase continuously over the past four years . Yes , in January it would be four years since we first met , and that would be our last night together before he had to report to Ranger School . I knew I loved him " More Than Life Itself " and I always would . The next few days I spent feeding my husband his favorite foods while he went through some of the boxes I had put aside containing some of his things I did not know if he wanted to keep or not . We cuddled on the couch and I read while he watched ball games or dozed , and often Michael would be sitting between us while we took turns reading to him , each of us using a different voice for a certain character . We visited some with Major Mac who told me to make cold compresses for Billy 's eye so the swelling would go down by the day of the wedding . We both sat incredulous while Billy told us stories about the first three weeks of Ranger training , and why he thought it was probably the most difficult . I also told Major Mac about Billy 's shoulder , and she thought it was not a good idea for him to repel off mountains with a weak shoulder while I stood and shook my head in agreement . However , both of us knew he would not listen , and I knew even the advice of his own doctor in Griffin would not change his mind , but at least he still promised me he would go to see him . Then , there was the next accident , and that sealed his agreement to go . Billy had spent the afternoon two days before we were to leave for Griffin , putting down one more coat of bowling alley wax on the floors , even after he told me not to do it . That day he had just finished the hallway , buffing it to a brilliant shine . We decided to go to the drive - in theatre that night since it was warmer than usual and we would not freeze to death with a window rolled down just enough to hang a speaker , and with quilts to keep us warm . This movie Billy wanted to see - one of the first James Bond movies , and although it did not appeal to me , I wanted to do something to please him since he had done nothing but please me since he had walked in the door . Anyway , he was rushing to get some clean socks out of his chest of drawers in our bedroom , and not wanting to step on the fresh shine in the hallway , he tried to step from the living room into the bedroom without stepping on the tiles in the hall . I was in the kitchen baking more cookies and I heard a shriek of pain and cursing , as I had not heard from his mouth in a long , long time ! I rushed into the living room expecting anything , but knowing whatever had happened was not good and found Billy sitting on the floor right inside the bedroom door holding his left foot and clenching his teeth in pain . " Darling , what happened ? " I asked with fear in my voice , and he could barely get out the words while he told me he had tried to step over the hall tiles and forgotten that the bedroom floor also was slick , and his foot slid forward and he caught his little toe on the edge of the chest ! " I know it 's broken , I just know it is ! " he wailed , and I began to cry too . I knew I could never get him off the floor by myself with the burden I was already carrying , so I went into the dining room and brought one of the chairs for him to pull himself up on so I could look at his toe . He finally managed to hobble into the living room where he sat on the couch , and I gently placed his foot on the coffee table . Sure enough , that little toe was swollen , red , and bent to the outside , and I knew it was broken . Immediately I called Major Mac , and she told me there was nothing to do for a broken little toe except to tape it to the others , but she would come over and make sure it was not dislocated , which would mean a trip to the emergency room . Within minutes , we heard her soft knock on the door , and I instantly let her in , and of course , Michael wanted her immediate attention and asked if she had candy , and she pulled a piece of Christmas candy out of her pocket , so he happily went back to his cartoons . With her efficient nurse 's hands , she checked Billy 's toe and as I had known , she assured us there was little doubt it was broken , but felt she could reduce the fracture . She warned Billy it would hurt when she moved it back to the proper position , and I offered him my hand to hold . She was right as he grasped my hand tightly , and I watched the tears roll down his cheeks but he refused to cry aloud . Like father , like son , I thought , as the expression on his face was the same on Michael 's face when he got a shot ! She offered to show me how to tape it if I had tape , and I always kept a well - stocked emergency kit living with my accident - prone husband . I found a large roll of wide waterproof adhesive tape , which was exactly My poor baby ! First , he hurt his shoulder , then his eye , and now his toe ! I just hoped he would be able to walk without pain since he would not be able to handle crutches except with his left arm , at least , not until we knew what was wrong with his right shoulder . Thank goodness , we were almost finished packing , and had completed our shopping and wrapping , so Billy would have two days to rest his foot and keep it elevated before we left for Griffin . I was sure wearing a shoe would not be comfortable either , and since I had nothing planned except an O . B . appointment the day before we left , he did not have to try to put one on . Michael , so used to seeing his Daddy with ' boo - boos ' , just continued to watch his cartoons while I sat on the couch with Billy 's arms around me and again I cried while he brushed back my hair and tried to convince me he was all right while he begged me not to cry . " Please , baby , don 't cry , " he murmured , as my tears seemed endless , " I 'll be fine , " he continued and I just cried harder . " Three is the limit to my bad luck , " he said as he tried to soothe me , but I was inconsolable at this point . I looked into his one open blue eye , and softly touched the swollen right eye , while saying over , and over , " Oh how I love you my darling , my darling Billy ! " He was hurt , and I cried . That was how it had always been , and the way it always would be ! It was as if his pain was twice as strong deep in my heart . We only had two days of bliss before once again we had to pack the car for the trip to Griffin , and neither of us was looking forward to seeing his father , or to attending the wedding the day after , but we also would never disappoint the little boys . We had taken Michael to Griffin for every Christmas since he had been born , and this was the last we would be close enough to do so for who knew how long , and it may be years before our son would see his young uncles again after we left for the West Coast . Billy 's eye looked a lot better since he was more or less ' grounded ' on the couch while he kept his foot elevated . I had placed cold compresses on his eye and his foot several times a day , and now he was able to see out of it although the colors of the bruise remained vivid , but surely in two days , and with a bit of makeup , it would look almost normal . By now , though , Billy did not care a bit what anyone thought , and he had already made up a wonderful tale to relate to his brothers about how he hurt his eye , his toe , and his arm , and beg as I may , he would not tell me the story but wanted me to hear it along with the boys . He managed to wear his shoes since they were old and the leather soft , and although he walked with a slight limp , he said his toe was no longer painful , and at least he did not have to use that foot to drive . I changed the tape nightly right after our shower just like Major Mac had shown me , and we were hoping it would heal by the time he saw his doctor on December 27 . Once again , our car filled with song , this time Christmas carols , as we headed back to Griffin , and it seemed as if the car almost knew what turns to take . It was rather a straight shot from here to there , although once I had managed to become thoroughly lost when I tried to find the house while Billy was sleeping . Today he was in fine spirits and fine voice while Michael and he sang ' Jingle Bells ' , ' Rudolph ' , and ' Here Comes Santa Claus ' over and over - no railroad songs this day - this was Christmas Eve ! Michael was far too excited about Santa coming to see him that very night , and about playing with his uncles he did not even take a nap on the way , which was all the better since we needed for him to go to bed early that night . Billy thought about stopping by the store first to make sure his father showed him where he hid the boys Santa gifts , but with my urgency to find a clean bathroom he drove straight to the house . It seemed like that was all I did - pee - and any car trip necessitated a stop or two to find a clean restroom . Thank goodness , the baby would be in my arms and not in my uterus creating pressure on my bladder on our trip out West , otherwise it would take a long , long time with urgent stops every hundred or so miles . It seemed as if we always reached Griffin at lunchtime and it was exactly 11 : 30 a . m . , when we pulled into the driveway , and as if the floodgates opened , three little boys and Poppa came out to greet us . Poppa immediately picked up Michael while the boys came to my side of the car . All were fascinated with the huge size of my tummy and the fact their new nephew was inside just waiting to be born , although I did not remember them being this curious while I was pregnant with Michael . " Do you think it will be born while you are here ? " Charles asked , while David wanted to know if it would come out of my belly button as he had been told , while Dickie told him he was " stupid " and it would come out of my " wee - wee " ! These boys definitely had not had any lessons in anatomy yet , but Dickie was close . Then as one , they all noticed their older brother 's black eye , and Poppa asked if I had let him have it with the frying pan ! Billy assured the boys he would tell them the entire story if they would help him unload the back seat , thus leaving Santa in the trunk , which they did , and within minutes , we were walking into a home , a real home , that smelled of Christmas tree and gingerbread ! " How wonderful , " I thought since the delicious aromas of Christmas filled the house instead of stale cigarette smoke and bourbon . I just hoped Gene 's new ' bride ' would take up where Gram left off and make coming home a joy for the boys , and holidays anticipated rather than dreaded . Gram brushed the flour off her hands with her apron and took our small son from Poppa while giving me a look of astonishment and a hug . " Well sure does look like that baby is not going to wait until February , " she said , and I reminded her that Michael had been two weeks late . " Well , I declare , I do think you will pop if you have to go that long ! " We all laughed , and she once again predicted we would have a daughter , and asked if we had chosen any girl 's names . We told her the names we had selected for both boy and girl , and she liked both of them and said if I got any larger we just might have to use both names or think of more ! This was just as good a time as any to tell Billy the doctor at the O . B . clinic had suggested I have an x - ray since I was so very large , just to see if there were twins . Although they knew the dangers of radiation to a woman and an unborn child , they also knew certain circumstances made these necessary . I had dutifully had the x - ray , where they found only one big baby , and the doctor said the baby was already large enough to survive if born early . He then asked , as they all did , if I could have possibly mixed up my dates , but I assured him I knew exactly when I had stopped the pill just before I got pregnant , so I was almost positive when it happened . " Well this baby already weighs about 7lbs . , " he continued , " and don 't be surprised if you have to have a C - section . Although you had quite a large baby the first time , this one , if you go full term , will be considerably larger . " I had not told Billy since I had to wait for just the right moment , and Gram 's remarks had made it possible to prepare him , and he looked at me like he was almost angry , and definitely worried , but he moved Quickly I changed the subject , although Billy continued to look at me in a way I had never seen before , and I knew it was concern . More concern than he had shown even after the abortion and the long nights I suffered with pain afterwards , but I was not about to let this baby ruin our Christmas . The boys took Michael to see the Christmas tree in the den and showed him all the packages with his name on them , which , of course , he wanted to open right away ! When Billy told him he would have to wait until morning , like everyone else , his little eyes filled with tears and his bottom lip stuck out so far that Poppa said an ' elf ' could sit on it ! That made the boys laugh , and since Michael thought they were laughing at him , he threw himself to the floor , and with McConnell splendor launched himself into a full - fledged temper tantrum . This time the boys did not laugh , and Poppa backed away , but Billy reached down and picked his screaming son off the floor and held him in his arms so tightly he could not move . " O . K . , little guy , calm down now . Daddy knows you are tired and excited , and if its all right with Gram , Mommy will make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then Mommy and I will lie down with you for a short nap . " Obviously , Billy realized now that our son could not go an entire day without at least some quiet time . I had already begun preparing sandwiches for the entire crew while Gram heated two cans of soup . Using an entire loaf of bread , I stacked the sandwiches on the table and poured glasses of milk for all four boys , and then called them . Billy pulled Michael 's highchair out from behind the washer where it stayed when we were not visiting , and they all sat down eager to eat and to hear Billy 's story about how he hurt his eye . This I had to hear and I made a half a sandwich for myself and poured coke for Billy and for me while he began his story . Michael 's tantrum long forgotten , he ate his sandwich in great big bites and I fed him the noodles out of the soup . He held his own ' sipper ' As soon as everyone was seated , with me as close to my handsome husband as I could get , so I could hold his hand when he was finished eating , and because I just liked the way it felt to feel his shoulder brush mine - no differently than I had felt when we both were students , he began his story . I do wish I could remember the entire story , word for word , but time has dulled , although not cancelled , that memory , but I do remember the gist of it . Once again Billy had been a ' hero ' and saved his commanding officer from sure death as he took the full blow from a baseball bat aimed at the commander 's head , wrestled the bat out of the offender 's arm , thus hurting his shoulder , and then to add insult to injury , the offender stomped on his foot and broke his toe ! The boys were once again mesmerized and wide - eyed at their brother 's explanation while Poppa gave me a big wink , and Gram pretended to be horrified . When the story ended , and for a moment of dead silence until Billy broke out laughing , the boys knew that once again their older brother had them believing his tale of heroic proportions ! Then , when they told him he was lying , he asked them if they wanted to see his toe , and of course they did , and of course it was bandaged , so now they were not too sure again . Dickie broke the silence and said , " Ruth sure isn 't going to like your black eye ! " and we all wondered where he had come up with that ! I asked him if he had ever met her , and he said " No , but she is going to be our mother soon , and there will be no more playing rough in her house ! " " Who told you that ? " Billy broke in , and the boys told him about the new ' list of rules ' that were to be always obeyed after Ruth moved in . He looked questionably at Gram and she walked over to the kitchen cabinet , the same one where Helen had stored her pills and liquor , and took down a list that was taped to the inside of the door . The list was long , neatly typed in large letters using simple language that even Charles could read , and some of the ' rules ' were downright hateful , where others were more practical and would help her to keep an orderly home . Billy glowered as he read each one , and when he finished , he shredded the piece of paper and said that little boys did not need a list of rules to know how to behave , and she could take her list and put it where the " sun didn 't shine . " All the boys looked horrified by their brother 's actions , but when Charles asked where that was , Dickie and David laughed while Billy told him to use his imagination . Thus began the war between Billy and Ruth , a war that no one would ever win ! Usually Gene closed the store at lunchtime on Christmas Eve day , but it was now after 1 : 00 p . m . , and he had not come home . Maybe he had some more gifts to buy , although where , Billy did not know since most merchants did the same as he did and closed early . Perhaps , I thought , he was making sure all was in order at the store since he would be taking a short honeymoon following the wedding . Gram and Poppa knew they would finally be back in their own comfortable home before New Year 's , and they both looked like they greatly needed the break . I asked Gram if Bubba knew about the wedding , but she did not know since Bubba no longer called the house in Griffin , her anger still so intense she had shut the other three boys out of her life too . Perhaps they would just remind her of her dead daughter , and she was not ready to handle those emotions ? I felt assured the ' word ' would have gotten around to her about the pending wedding , but Billy and I also knew we would be the last to learn if it had . After lunch , instead of us taking Michael downstairs , Poppa held him in his arms and his little eyes closed while sitting in Poppa 's lap and watching the television . We had wanted him good and tired earlier than usual this evening , but had we known what a long night it would turn out to be , our fears would have come to naught . The den was warm where the winter sun poured over the top of the shutters , and when Gram and I glanced in about an hour after lunch every single one of the boys and both men were sleeping . I noticed Billy had slipped his shoes off and put his foot on the coffee table , so I did not have to disturb him , for which I was grateful . " What really happened to Billy ? " Gram asked , and I told her the entire story about first his shoulder and then his eye , and finally how he had broken his little toe when he slid on the freshly waxed floor . " That poor boy , it does not seem like he will ever outgrow his carelessness , " Gram commented , but I assured her it had been a long time since he had hurt himself and none of the candidates would be going home without some scratches or bruises . I then confided in her my fear for the 2nd phase . She told me worry would not help Billy or me , and might affect the baby so that I should just put my fears into God 's hands and take care of my child and myself . Easier said than done , I thought as I watched my precious boys , father , and son , sound asleep in the late afternoon sun . It was almost dark when Billy woke up although Michael and the boys had long ago gone outside to play in the warm late December sunshine and to see old ' Fella ' , who Michael knew , was ' his ' dog . Unfortunately , we could not take him to Hawaii with us since there is no rabies in the islands , and each dog coming in from the mainland , or anywhere else has to put in six - month quarantine on a small island not connected to the main island of Oahu . The reasoning behind this was the huge mongoose population , and rabies among those plentiful , yet useful , rodents would have been disastrous due to their large number . These harmless rodents had also been ' introduced ' to the islands and were not native , rather brought in to deal with the plentiful and sometimes deadly native snakes . Now there were no snakes left , but the mongoose bred like , well like rabbits , and now they had another problem . Finally , after exhausting all avenues , we decided that ' Fella ' would be fine until we got back home , and if we lived somewhere in Hawaii where we needed a dog , then Billy would just buy one over there ! By now , it would have been cruel to take him away from the boys , although we wondered if Fella would have a future when Ruth moved in . " Honey , you just can 't go on like this , " I said with sobs punctuating my words , while he held me in his arms and assured me it did not hurt as bad as it sounded , although I was not at all convinced of that ! As I did several times a day , I removed his sock and checked to make sure the tape was not too tight and found it was just fine . This last injury , while it had hurt the most at first , was the least of my worries , as was his eye , although it was still obvious he had a ' shiner ' . If the last of the swelling went down , and well it should , we could go to the drugstore , buy some heavy pancake makeup , and cover most of the bruise for the ceremony . Finally , it was Christmas Eve and all the neighbors began to turn on their outdoor lights . Poppa had put lights all over the shrubs in the front yard , and I felt sure this was the first time the neighbors had seen the McConnell home decorated in a long , long time , if ever . I certainly had never seen outdoor lights , and Billy was not sure . When Poppa brought Michael and the boys inside , their faces were flushed with the chill of the evening , and all said they were starving . Gram had fixed her family 's traditional Christmas Eve supper , and everyone was hungry enough not to leave a crumb , although she had put some aside for Gene , who had not yet shown up or called . Billy asked if his father was coming home , and he might as well have been talking to a wall since no one had heard from him and still did not have Ruth 's number in Atlanta ! " On no , not again , " I thought , surely he would not desert his own sons on Christmas ! While I helped Gram wash the dishes and get a head start on Christmas dinner by setting the table , Billy scoured through his father 's papers trying to find a phone number where he could get in touch with him , and he was more than a little angry Gram and Poppa still did not have it ! How could Gene be so inconsiderate or so careless with his sons ' welfare ? Love can do strange things to a person , as I well knew , but not strike them deaf , dumb , and blind where their family was concerned ! " Damn him ! " Billy uttered as much under his breath as his anger allowed , " I hate to disturb him , but I have to go call Whitey . " I knew then he was thinking about the boys ' gifts that were at the store , and only Gene knew where . He disappeared into our room where he could talk in private , but I joined him in a few minutes with our son who needed a bath and his clean pajamas on before his bedtime . The boys had decided to do the same since a Christmas program was coming on television and they did not want to miss one minute of the story of Baby Jesus ' birth . While I ran Michael 's bath water , Billy talked to Whitey , and in a few minutes , he followed me into the bathroom . His face told me Whitey had not been of much help , but he had agreed to meet Billy at the store after the boys went to bed so they could search for the hidden toys . " At least their Christmas will not be a total disaster , " Billy said , " I can play Santa , seemingly better than their own father , and while I don 't mind , it 's just that it makes me really angry to think he is with her , and her son , while his own sons no longer seem to exist ! I warned him the last time we were here I would go to court for custody , and I will , with your approval of course . " He knew he did not even have to ask , not only could I not deny him anything , but I loved the boys and was as upset as Billy , a bit more silently , but still distressed . Of course , he had my approval , but we were not going to have a great deal of time to accomplish all of this before we left and then again once Ruth was in charge surely things would be better for everyone . Well , one could wish , and certainly , things could not get much worse . These dear , sweet motherless boys now seemed to be fatherless too - as if set adrift with the responsibility now square on the wide shoulders of Gram and Poppa , but that too was not fair - they had raised their family and earned a peaceful life . Obviously , Gene was not only much of a father , but a very selfish son too . My dear , kind Billy now felt like he had the responsibility for both his own little family and his brothers , just as he had when he lived at home , and with my love and support , we would get through this ! All three boys were lying on the floor with the pillows from their beds , and Charles offered to share his with Michael , but Michael had to have his own . Not wanting a tantrum to spoil what seemed to be a peaceful evening , except of course to the adults who were concerned about Santa , Billy went down to our room to get a pillow for his son . There they were , all four of them , stretched out , intently watching the Christmas program , with Michael right in the middle between David and Charles . Gram fixed all of them a light snack of milk and homemade chocolate chip cookies , which the boys reminded her to leave out for Santa when they went to bed and David told Poppa to remember to leave the tree lights on so Santa could not miss their house . " Oh little man , " I thought , " Santa will not forget you , but this year it will be your big brother who plays him , and not your own father ! " I was disgusted with Gene , especially when I watched Billy 's face become sad , and then mad as the evening wore on , and finally the program was over , so it was off to bed for all of the boys . Once again , Poppa rocked Michael to sleep while he and Billy talked about his plans to meet Whitey at the store in just a few minutes to search for the supposedly assembled toys . With Michael sound asleep , Billy carried him down to his makeshift bed , then told Gram and Poppa not to wait up on him , but to go to bed and he would make sure there were gifts for all his brothers , even if they were not what Gene had bought them ! I wanted to go along to the store with Billy , but he wanted me here just in case his father called or came home , so like a dutiful wife , I curled up on the couch with my book and began to read while I heard Billy back out of the driveway on his way to the store . I must have dozed when the sudden opening of the side door made me jump , and Billy came inside carrying an armful of gifts for his brothers . There was a telescope for Dickie , a stereo for David , a camera for Charles with rolls and rolls of Polaroid film , and a color television for their bedroom . There were records to go along with the stereo , all the most popular of the day , to include the album by The Kingston Trio with ' Puff the Magic Dragon ' , a song that David was teaching Michael to sing . There was a typewriter for Dickie , the student , expensive bicycles for both David and Charles , and various and sundry other items that would make most any young boy happy , and also must have cost a fortune ! I could tell by the look on my husband 's face he had not found the toys set aside for the boys , and angrily he told me he and Whitey had searched both store 's warehouses from top to bottom , but found nothing . They had also tried to reach one of the warehouse supervisors to see if he knew where they were , but no one answered the telephone at his house . After they had searched very nook and cranny , Billy sent Whitey home to his own family while he gathered together anything and everything he thought his brothers would enjoy , and he did not give a damn how much it cost Gene ! He should have thought enough of his sons to show up to take care of their Santa gifts , and I knew Billy would not accept one word of criticism from him when he finally did show up ! After we had all of the items for the boys in the house and , with my help , carefully arranged around the tree with nametags on each , Billy had to take the truck back to the store in order to get our car with our son 's Santa in the trunk , and this time he asked me to come with him . It was getting close to midI put my arms around my handsome soldier 's neck , kissed him long and deep , exchanging my breath for his , and replied , " Oh my darling , my darling , darling Billy , don 't you know that when I am with you my happiness is complete ? There is nothing more I could possibly wish for than to be in your arms . " His kiss echoed my own in passion , and he held me , as if he never wanted to let me go , while he softly added , " I am the luckiest man in the world to have you and our son and soon a new son . I love you for loving me , and for putting up with my accidents and for loving me even more when I am hurt . Darling , I promise you , the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night is always my pretty little wife , and it always will be . I know that the first time I told you I loved you more than life itself , I doubt if I really knew the meaning of the words , but we have learned together , which has made our marriage even more interesting . Before you , I treated sex as an end to a means , but certainly not with any true passion , but from that very first time at the copper mine , you made sex synonymous with love . Real love , not teenage boy and girl going steady love , but a love so deep I wanted to take care of you , even more than I wanted to make love to you , for the rest of my life , and God willing , that will be a long , long time . " How much better could it get than this night ? Alone together in this huge store with our voices echoing off the tall ceilings , Billy decided he wanted to fulfill one more of his fantasies , so we made love on one of the beds in the front window with the store completely dark , and only the street lights shining dimly into the interior . " You know , little girl , I love you all the more for being ' crazy ' with me , and for going along with my insane fantasies , and I can 't think of but two more things I really want to do . One is to make love with the moonlight streaming through the portholes on the ship , and the other is to make love on the beach , and now we have the opportunity to do both , so believe me , we will do both ! Diane , I have never spent a Christmas when I was any happier , in spite of my father 's lack of concern , and it is all because of you . I will love you forever , little girl , and that 's a promise , please love me back and forgive me when I seem to forget how much you do mean to me . I never mean to but sometimes I just get caught up in a moment or a task I must complete , and I may not always show how much I do care , but I do , and I will , forever . " Without a doubt , I could have stayed there all night with my handsome Billy , making love in the store window , and I felt completely safe with my strong husband to take care of me . In spite of our desire , we had one more little boy who needed to have Santa bring him gifts , and we were not about to forget our parental duties , so we locked the store up tighter than a drum , got into our own car and drove back to the house . Within 45 minutes , we had Michael 's gifts in place and all the other wrapped packages for the rest if the family , but then I asked Billy to open his gift , and not wait until morning when everyone else was awake . This gift was too personal and I wanted to share it with no one , just as he had wanted not to share his gift of my bracelet . I poured a huge glass of coke for him to wash down the cookies - the milk we poured down the drain - and while we sat on the couch , I took the tiny package out of my purse where I had kept it hidden . He looked at the size of the box and could not imagine what I had bought him that small . When he opened it , and saw the beautifully carved wedding band , tears came to his eyes , and to mine . I reminded him that once he had bought me a new wedding band when I had lost mine after I threw it at him , and accused him of not wanting any wife at all . He had instantly tried to find it , but when he could not , he insisted he would buy me a new once since no wife of his was going to walk around town , particularly in ' that ' condition ( I was pregnant with Michael ) , without a wedding band . He also reminded me that I could not give back a wedding band like a class ring , and never again did I try . I now assured him I felt the same way , except I did not want my husband to look like he was available to anyone , but was a very married man , and that way all the pretty little beach girls would know he was ' kapu ' or ' hands off ' in Hawaiian . I had learned that word just for this occasion , and he said he agreed that he should have replaced his own band months ago . However , I told hExhausted , we finally made it downstairs to bed . Since our libidos had been satisfied at the store , and dawn was not that long away , we just took off our clothes and slipped under the covers where I fell asleep in my darling 's arms , and dreamed sweet dreams of making love in the moonlight . I sat bolt upright when David , too excited to remember to knock , came rushing into our bedroom . " Billy , Billy , you should see what Santa brought us ! And boy is Dad going to be mad ! He told us we could not have a television for our room , but Santa did not listen to him ! " Groggy from lack of sleep , Billy pushed the covers back and slipped on his pants , and before he left barefoot , I reminded him to put on some socks to keep his feet warm and the tape clean . He grabbed the socks he had taken off the night before , pulled them on , and picked up Michael who was now wailing at the top of his lungs from waking too early . " Hurry up and get your robe on , honey , so you can see Michael 's expression when he sees his presents . " Still mostly asleep , I reached for my old pink robe , found my slippers under the bed , and quickly brushed my teeth and combed my hair . " Come on . " Billy urged . " You can do that later ! " However , I could not wait until later to brush my teeth since I did not feel human until I had at least done that much , but I was ready in less than 3 minutes , and with the camera , I followed Billy while he carried Michael to see what Santa had brought him . Oh my ! My little man was SO excited - far more so this year than last , of course , and his big eyes were wide open as he tried to take it all in . He wiggled out of his father 's arms , and went straight to his stack of toys , which he knew was his since all he had asked Santa to bring him was right there before his eyes . I imagine he really had no idea yet what this was all about , although I had read him the ' real ' and the ' new ' Christmas stories from the birth of the Baby Jesus , to ' The Night Before Christmas " , but was not sure how much he had really aIt was not long before Gram and Poppa joined us , looking far more refreshed than Billy and I did , but then again they had gone to bed just as our night was beginning . Poppa pulled Billy aside and asked him where all the ' stuff ' came from , and Billy told him about not being able to locate the toys that supposedly his father had selected , so he had picked up anything and everything he thought his brothers might like . " Well , " Gram said , overhearing their conversation , " I hate to say this about my own son , but it serves him right , and had I been in your shoes , I would have done the very same thing ! " Gram then went into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee saying that both of us looked like we needed it , but I assured her I would have to get through my day without it since it made me nauseous . " Well drink a coke , " Billy said , " this is going to be a long day , and you will need the caffeine ! " I passed out steaming mugs of coffee to Billy and to Poppa , and then decided the boys and I might enjoy some hot chocolate , and Gram agreed to make it . As involved as they were with their gifts from Santa , when Gram called to say breakfast was ready , everyone , including Michael , took off for the kitchen table , and I had not realized how famished I was until I saw the huge stacks of waffles ! I had never seen anyone spread strawberry jam on a waffle , but that was how the boys wanted to eat them , so first they spread the butter into each tiny square , then the jam , and conservatively , they must have eaten at least four apiece . By the time I cut up Michael 's waffle and put butter and syrup on it , I turned around and the huge stack was gone , but Gram had another waiting in the warm oven , so we all were full to the point of bursting when we finished . One at a time , the boys asked to be excused from the table , and of course returned to their cache of gifts , and then Michael poured his juice upside down on his plate , and said , " All done ! " I wiped his sticky fingers and face , and soon he too was playing under the Christmas tree . Exhausted , I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall , and was shocked to find that it was not even 7 : 00 a . m . ! Billy and I had slept less than 4 hours , and I knew all of us would need a nap , if we could get Michael down , and at this rate , it was not very likely . Around 10 : 00 a . m . , I was failing rapidly , and could barely make sense of what anyone said to me I was so tired , but since Gene had not shown up , Billy decided it was time to open the packages , and his father did not deserve the courtesy of having us wait for him . He assigned David to take the gifts out from under the tree , Dickie to read the name on the tag , then Charles and Michael to deliver them , although we both felt sure as soon as a package for Michael came up , he would stop and open it , and we were right . Actually , he wanted to open them all , but Billy managed to rescue the half - opened packages before the contents spilled out . An hour later , there were piles of wrapping paper , tissue , boxes , and bows all over the den , and Billy organized a ' clean - up ' team while I took our son downstairs to go ' potty ' and to dress him in his red corduroy overalls and his ' Santa ' knit shirt . By then , he was actually beginning to fade , and I felt sure that after lunch , Billy , Michael , and I would all be able to take a nap - that is if Gene did not show up first ! While I was downstairs putting on my own clothes - my favorite cotton maternity dress - a cream - colored print that I had also made , I heard a now familiar voice and knew Gene was home ! Oh boy ! I did not want to miss this ! I pulled my hair back in a barrette , but did not need to tell Michael his grandfather was here since he had heard him and already headed to the den . I wish I could say Gene was pleased with Billy 's efforts on behalf of his brothers , but when he saw the ' denied ' gifts under the tree , and not the gifts he had chosen , he looked at Billy and pointing his finger at the boy 's stash said , " I presume that you are responsible for this ? " " Yes " Billy answered . " And damned proud of it too ! I can promise you one thing this is the last time you will ever neglect my brothers on a holiday , or play favorites between them and whatever his name is - Ruth 's son - or I will come back to Griffin and take you to court just as I promised ! And another thing , you can tell your lady friend she had better treat these boys just like her own son , or I will take them away and raise them myself ! " Gene tried to say something , but Billy was not finished while his brothers looked on in awe , " If so much as one item that Santa brought them is returned , then all of Griffin will find out where you were and where you were not on Christmas Eve ! The rest of this conversation is not for their ears , and we will finish it outside , just you and me ! " I was horrified ! Surely , Billy with his hurt arm , his broken toe and one eye already black and blue was not going to take on his father ! I reached out to stop him as Gene headed for the side door , and in a whisper , pleaded with him , " Billy , oh please don 't do anything stupid ! You are already hurt , and I could not stand it if you got hurt again ! " " Don 't worry , little girl , we have never gone that far , yet , and I don 't intend to throw the first punch . I just want to find out exactly what he was thinking when he left us holding the bag last night , and his sons without Santa ! I just don 't want Michael or the boys to see or hear anything else that I need to say . I 'll be right back , and after lunch , Michael , you and I are all going to take a nice long nap . That way I can avoid looking at him , and he can avoid having me look at him with the contempt I now feel ! There is nothing he can say that will make what he did all right , but I want to hear him try anyway . " He kissed me on the forehead , I gently touched his bruised face , and then without even a jacket on , he went outside to talk to his father . Gram had gone back to the bedroom to get dressed so she could put the final touches on the Christmas dinner , and the wonderful aroma of the brown sugar glazed ham was already filling the house ! Three pies were sitting on the counter and ready to go into the oven , rolls were rising in the corner , and , of course , the table was already set . Poppa had slid over to the edge of the window where he could watch his son and his grandson , and I knew if any physical violence began , he would be the first one out of the door , with me on his heels ! " Is it O . K . ? " I asked , and he just nodded , not taking his eyes off the two grown men engaged in what I could imagine was a conversation not fit for the ears of women or children . Michael was so engrossed in his toys , and one at a time , he brought them over to show me , that he had not even seen his daddy or his grandfather go out the door . Thankfully , the boys were in their rooms getting out of their pajamas and setting up their television so that all could equally see it . I knew that before the day was over , both of the new bikes would have been on long rides when the neighborhood boys met to show off and to compare . However , right now my thoughts were entirely on my darling Billy . I simply could not imagine what Gene could possibly say to excuse his actions . Gram soon came back into the kitchen looking as fresh as she always did with her hair neatly combed and a clean housedress on under the new apron Billy and I had given her for Christmas . I asked her if I could do anything to help , and she put me to work chopping some onions ( while tears ran down my face ) , and celery for the stuffing . Not only had she put a ham in the oven , she also had a turkey she had cooked the day before , and now was warming with the ham , so this meal would be quite a feast ! I felt the cool air of this sunny Christmas Day before I heard Billy come in the house , without Gene , but then I saw Poppa go outside , presumably to talk to his son . Billy came up behind me and put his cold hands on my neck , and then his arms around me , and I leaned back against his familiar chest , closed my eyes , and asked , " Is everything O . K ? " Billy 's answer was short , but I knew he would tell me everything later and did not want to ruin the day for Gram who was working so hard to make this a ' family ' holiday to remember , so he just said , " For now , but only time will tell . " With that , I knew he was now even more apprehensive about the woman who he had never set eyes on and who , by this time tomorrow , would be the only mother his brothers would have . I was not as worried about Dickie , who , older , seemed to acclimate better to changing scenarios , but David and Charles , who were both still ' boys ' and full of themselves - those two I had a feeling were in for a rough ride , and if it got really bad , then they would always have a home with us ! Soon Gene and Poppa came inside , and Gene did not speak to anyone but went straight back to his bedroom , where his parents were staying . We heard him opening and closing drawers , and Poppa told us he was packing for his honeymoon , and making sure his suit was ready for the wedding . Neither Billy nor I could have cared less about this wedding now , and the less we had to see of Gene today , the better . To say that this long day seemed shorter by the talks outside would be a fantasy , and as the clock seemed to take four times as long to go around to each hour , finally Gram 's big meal was ready . It was exactly 2 : 00 when we sat down at the table with Gene at the head , although in my mind my handsome husband had earned that chair of honor . Billy and I sat on the opposite end and ' shared ' the other oval end of the table next to the kitchen with our son , and there was so much to eat I was amazed ! Where had it all been ? I wondered , since I had not seen all these dishes made , but surely , Gram had been working on this meal all week ! Thank goodness , for Gram 's sake , that unlike Thanksgiving , at least her son was home to share a holiday meal with his family ! I offered to help clean up after the last piece of pie was consumed , but Poppa told both Billy and me to take our son and try to nap since he knew we had only a few hours of sleep . It was beginning to show on me by my not being able to grasp the conversation , and Michael was now playing with his pie like finger paints while Billy was watching him like a hawk so he would not rub the mess into his hair ! Gene was the first to stand up and said , " Excuse me , I have a call to make . " As if we did not know whom he was calling , and then Billy stood up and said , almost facetiously , " Excuse me , but I have a young son to clean up ! " One by one , each boy excused themselves from the table , and while Charles and David took their new bicycles outside , Dickie went into their bedroom to ' practice ' on his typewriter . After Gram and Poppa rejected my offer of assistance , I followed Billy down to our room , and found him leaning over the playpen rubbing his son 's back in an effort to get him to sleep . " Sleepy , sleepy little baby , and when you wake , we 'll bake a cake for all the pretty little horses . " Within 3 minutes Michael was sound asleep , and within another two minutes so were his father and I , in each other 's arms . When I woke , it was dark outside , and both my son and my husband were gone , so moaning aloud I got up , washed my face , brushed my teeth and combed my hair , then followed the sounds of a football game upstairs to the den . Gram was once again in the kitchen and had just finished making a huge platter of cold turkey and ham sandwiches , so I asked her if I could take orders for the drinks . " No orders , " she said , " just pour some coke for Billy , milk for Michael and the boys , and I have made coffee for the rest of us . What can I get you ? " I told her I would share some coke with Billy , and satisfied she had made enough sandwiches , she carried the platter to the den where all the men were sitting . Billy was on the couch with Poppa , Gene in his stained recliner , and the rest of the family was on the floor , including our son . I took a small plastic bowl down and cut some of the turkey and ham in small pieces , buttered a roll , and opened a can of peaches for Michael 's supper , and Billy came into the kitchen to sit with me while he ate his sandwiches . Michael could feed himself quite well , but it was what he did after he finished that kept an adult on duty . Tonight it was obvious Billy wanted to be with his own little family , and not in the same room as his father . " Feel better , " he asked , and I replied I felt almost human again but still quite pregnant , and he teased and said I also looked that way ! Then he reminded me I had performed like anything but the previous night in the store 's window , while he called me a " shameless hussy " ! I returned his banter saying if I was a ' hussy ' then he had surely taught me , and that earned a huge kiss ! Then I asked him how long he had been able to sleep , and was amazed both he and Michael had slept for three hours ! " I hate to say this , but I think our little man will be the devil to get to bed tonight , " he said , and I agreed . A three - hour nap was unheard of for Michael ! " How are you feeling , " I asked as I touched his sore shoulder gently , and he told me shifting the gears in the big truck had not helped , but he refused to tell Gene he had hurt his shoulder . " I 'll add salt to his wounds later , " he said . Then I asked if Gene had said anything about his eye , and Billy told me all Gene had said was he was a pretty sight for a wedding , and then Billy told him he could change his mind any time and choose another best man , and it would not bother him a bit . His father said nothing in reply . Softly I touched his eye , then kissing his cheek , I told him I did not think it would be swollen at all by the next day , or so little it would not be noticeable , and as far as the bruise , I could easily cover it . But Billy did not care , and I don 't think he ever forgave his father for the inconsiderate , selfish , and uncalled for behavior he had displayed that Christmas by not being there for and with his own motherless sons , but with Ruth 's son instead , as if he was already choosing ' favorites ' . As for me , I was just glad this long , long day was almost over , all I could think about was getting through the next day , and then Billy could see the doctor and we could all go home . Home to our own warm , inviting apartment where love filled every corner , not tension , and lies , and where I could have my precious Billy all to myseNext Chapter . . .
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Until two and a half years ago , there was no other family than me . Then I finally got him to meet my girlfriend , and they became close friends . I am grateful that they met . It is amazing for me to have had someone to share my father with . Living a life while being alone with awaiting his death was a demanding task . She is and he was an amazing person , and it was wonderful experiencing them together . Then , one month ago , in the hospital , after two weeks of pneumonia , he stopped breathing . Then his heart stopped beating . A few days ago his dead body and the coffin it was in were burned in a crematorium , and put into an urn . In a few days , the urn will be put in the ground . Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with this counselor / psychotherapist , for whom I have great respect . He works at a private hospital that works with people with my fathers ' and other neurodegenerative diseases , and he has been a fantastic help before . I have been in sessions with him about 7 - 8 times with him , and it is free ( through insurance ) , but I only have a few sessions to make do with . He covers a lot of people , has limited time and I think a lot of the others are worse off mentally than me . I made two obvious mistakes , 1 : The " tl ; dr " . Having thought about it for a bit , I really think it is an awful genre . 2nd ( and ever bigger ) mistake was the BONUS QUESTION . What did think I was , the host of a HOME SHOPPING TV ad ? I knew as soon as I saw it posted that I would regret the " tl ; dr " . Then I thought of Beckett saying : Fail . Fail again . Fail better . Nevertheless , several people replied , among them one who proclaimed to be getting his PhD in clinical psychology . I believed him , but did not look into the matter . I replied to him quickly , but waited too long with the others . I put replying aside and ignored it . Then finally yesterday , I spent half an hour replying to all of them . I need to do the same with an even older Reddit post with several replies I haven 't responded to . I think I should reply now that they replied . But it 's not an easy genre . I have found obviously good posts though , like the top comment for this one ( advice for police invistigation given by one redditor to another whose friend was killed by a hit and run driver ) , and I like the karma system ( although the vastness of it all makes for a lot of disposability , which I am prejudiced to think makes for " less " quality , but we 'll see ) . On the one hand , if I spend more time there , I could probably improve my participation and make something I like out of it , and find more images like this one to accompany my posts here on the blog : I kind of really like these AdviceAnimals . A collectively upheld cast of joke characters . They are also kind of really a waste of time . But not all empty . The day after I posted on the above question Reddit , I asked the therapist if he thought it would be a good idea to bring a voice recorder with me to a therapy session . I asked because I had been thinking about it as a method for writing , but was unsure about the effects it would have on my honesty . Which I should make an effort to keep as strong as possible in therapy , as I agreed with another participant on Reddit that it should . I don 't feel people ask enough on how it is for me now my father is dead . It is not easy either , taking my turn to speak . It 's like my friend the saxophone player said the other day to his brother , who had just played a concert : You don 't get a solo - you take it ! I believe he might have been joking . Imagine someone they would consider a fool saying it . I am thinking of doing an IAmA ( I am A ) … AMA ( Ask Me Anything ) on Reddit in an attempt to solve the problem . The topic could go like this : I think the directness could be a good thing . It 's also kind of whiny , which I don 't like . It 's also honest . Maybe I like that it doesn 't try and impress anyone . It calls out for them to ask questions . I wonder if it would work . I should think less , and do more . And I will once my exams are over . The participants are all young people with terminally ill parents . There are other groups for young people with dead parents . We were six today , which I think is the highest number I have ever counted there . Myself , a girl who has been there since august , one I had met once and three I had never met before . I will not detail the stories of the other participants , even though they would never find out if I did . All meetings begin with the psychologist asking if someone would like to begin . I have never liked beginning , but am not sure exactly why . But I would likely reject explanations such as " I want to make room for the others " on grounds of beeing poorly disguised vanity . Today one of the new ones started . She talked for about half an hour while the psychologist asked questions . Then one of the other new ones took over . Then the last of the new ones . Then the psychologist looked me in the eyes for a while , and I asked her if I should say something about what happened . I started by addressing the ones I hadn 't met before . I told them that my father had suffered from ALS for 10 years , a progressive , incurable illness which causes degeneration of motor neurons , the nerve cells in the central nervous system that control voluntary muscle movement , which in the end leads to death due to different complications ( thanks to Wikipedia for much of that description - in reality I said something like that , but less concise ) . He was in a wheel chair from 2004 , from the summer of 2009 ( I think ) in a motorized one . The last of our court dishes ( as he called them ) , before soup was the only choice , was mashed potatoes with an italian style ragù . If you ask me , I got pretty good at making that dish . We stopped eating the soup because it got cold before he could finish it . I made it through three and a half bowls of soup in the time it would take him to eat one . In the beginning I left some for him in the cooking pot , should he want it . We both knew he was not going to want it . In the end , I ate it all in order for time to pass . I slowed my eating pace greatly in the hope that he would feel he was less slow . After soup , he turned to eating only mashed fruit and yoghurt with sesame seeds and lin seeds in it ( after which he got in touch with a dietist and turned to protein drinks , but I 'll tell you more about that later ) . The extinction of motor neurons in his body was an unusually slow paced process . As far as I have been able to read , only 10 % of all persons with ALS ( PALS ) live longer than 10 years after they are hit . The mean age of years people live with the disease ( what is the term for this ? ) is around 3 - 4 years . You need to keep in mind , though , that the range is big , and that these are only statistics . It only says that he lived longer than the norm , not why . Let me tell you about his death . He died about 3 ½ weeks ago , or no : 4 weeks ago . He was put in hospital the january 25th and died febuary 9th , two weeks later . He died in the early hours of a wednesday and had at the time been unconscious for a few days . I talked to him anyway , as if he could hear me . I didn 't know for shure that he couldn 't , but it seems unlikely that he could . My girlfriend and I were told tuesday afternoon by a neurologist , that most of his higher brained functioning had " turned off " . I viewed his diagnosis as very convincing . He pointed the beam of a small torch into my father 's eyes to see if there was any reaction . From my memory of a conversation I once had with my house doctor I have an idea that many doctors draw small check marks with the torch in the eyes of the patient , when they beam light in there to check the reactions of the different visible parts of the eye . The neurologist grabbed my father 's head and turned it from side to side in quick jerks . I think he wanted to see if the eyes reacted in any way . My father 's eyes were open at that time . He also shouted my father 's name at him and knocked on his chest to wake him up ( I 'd like to know if has kids and wakes them up like that . I have that sentence fragment : I 'd like to know if he from my dad . I visualise him using it to say something about some loony on TV ) . Then the neurologist told us , in a quiet , calm voice , that there probably was no activity in my father 's higher brain functioning . That everything above the brain stem has been cut off . I didn 't want to let it influence the conversation , I had had with my father . I wanted to continue our dialogue . I was with him every day the two weeks he was there , for a minimum of 3 and usually 5 hours . Some days more . My girlfriend was there every day apart from two . We slept there the last three nights , or : the second night she went home because she couldn 't sleep , which was fine with me , I slept surprisingly well . I woke a couple of times during both nights that I slept there , and probably didn 't sleep more than 6 hours per day , spread over different periods , which is quite a bit below my average . Then I decided to take a break from blogging , because my exams are coming up . Developmental psychology . Most of what I have read has been a drag , but I blame it on the book , which seems to be written for people younger than me . But there is another one , and some articles as well , which I prefer . I just really wish I could go live on a mountaintop and write my own stuff , but I need to do this . So bye for now . As part of my mourning , I got high and saw Back to the Future 1 in HD on the 40 ″ TV he left me . Hey doc ? Doc ! Hello ! Anybody home ? You probably also saw it multiple as a child , and we probably both preferred the follow - up because of the fascinating future it depicted . But the first one was really much better than I had expected , I really enjoyed the repetitions of small parts of the story - the disgusting Boss - man Biff knocking on the head of 1980 's loser George McFly ( Michael J . Fox 's character Marty 's father ) , and then later in the film , when Marty goes back to the fifties , he finds that his dad went to high school with Biff , who also then knocked on his head with a closed fist . Developmental psychology of Hollywood . And the hero of the future who fixes everything all by himself , using the supposedly yet unknown technology of skateboarding to solve the problems of his somewhat unhappy family : There is also a scene in which the same - aged father and son McFly are talking , Marty trying to influence George . They are hanging up laundry round the back of his father 's family house , and the 80 's youth gives girl advice to his own girl incompetent father . I thougt it could be interesting to think about what kind of advice I would give him . Maybe it could also be interesting for you : What advice would you give your own parents , could you travel back in time and hang out with them around the time they met ? I would tell him to use some of the money he inherited from his foster father to try out different counselors until he found one he liked , and to be honest in front of him or her . I would have liked to go to New York with him , to stay there for the last month of some summer . I would have liked to have gone to a Pink Floyd concert with him . I would tell him to begin drawing the same things again and again , and to think about how to make art with a social dimension . To become good at drawing in order to teach others to draw . I would probably have become annoyed at his blind openness to * higher levels * , and his lack of criticism in his thoughts . I would tell him to stop drinking so much . Not because he drank too much , but because of the way he behaved when drunk . I would make an effort to question him and to listen . My parents divorced when I was about 10 , two years later my father was in treatment for cancer . A tumor in his cheek , maybe also something in his throat . I will probably find out in going through his papers . I remember the first time I was made aware that something was not as it should be . I was sitting at my computer , in the living room of his and my apartment , headphones on , playing Descent . For some reason the sound was not on , but I was wearing the headphones anyway . He was talking to a friend on the phone , saying something like : Yes , it 's terrible . No , I haven 't told [ my name ] yet . I was terrified and remember the feeling stir in my back and spine . I remember him , a while later , telling me that he had a 50 % chance of survival . I think I was twelve but might be corrected in this later on . I remember lying in bed , him standing by my bedside , telling me : The doctors say I have a 50 % chance of survival . I remember lying in my bed at night , maybe the night after he told me but I have no way of cheking the chronology , crying and repeating aloud to myself and who else might be listening : Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? Why my dad ? I don 't remember him comforting me . I think I had an understanding of why he could have had trouble comforting me : that he was the cause of my sadness . I also remember him telling me that he had bought life insurance . I believe he was announced CURED when I was thirteen . I don 't remember the occasion , but I remember thinking that it made him seem immortal . That I felt it was his super power . I am 28 now and am as I said sitting at his desk in his apartment , which is on the first floor . It is across the street from a school and a park - I never before thought about how nice it must have been for him to not have people keeping an eye on him . From where I sit I can see to the right : out the window of his living room : the windows of the school building . It 's a pretty okay building . Not very elegant , but not ugly , and it looks like it does the job of housing teachers and students well . It 's a public school . I have a friend who went there . He was the Casanova of my high school , laid back on a chair and strumming his spanish guitar in the cafeteria after school with a circle of girls closing in on him , drooling . Going for the kill . There 's lots more stuff on his desk than I mentioned and drew . Left of it is a shelf , fixed on the wall about two inches above the surface of the desk , containing all his favourite spiritual books , and some on psychology and philosophy as well . There are the great works of Kant : Critique of Pure Reason and Critique of Jugdement , books by R . D . Laing , Stanislav Grof , Jung , Plato , Kierkegaard . There is a beautiful copy of The Bible , in a bound pocket - size copy with the title : THE BIBLE in a large but nice and simple typography with hits of serif feet ( but not too much , it looks great ) on a background of black imitated leather material . There is also , among other " spiritual " books , a whole series of similar looking volumes by an author called Alice A . Bailey . The Wikipedia article on her begins with a large table of warnings . I quote from it 's introduction : Her works , written between 1919 and 1949 , describe a wide - ranging system of esoteric thought covering such topics as how spirituality relates to the solar system , meditation , healing , spiritual psychology , the destiny of nations , and prescriptions for society in general . Right up my father 's ally . Not mine . Earlier today I was out for lunch and then dinner with my girlfriend . We had croque monsieurs for lunch at this French place we 've been to before . The guy who runs the place is nice , but this time he served us our croques in croissants because his sandwich bread had gotten old . The croissant was too light for a croque monsieur , my girlfriend thought , and I definetely also felt it did not satisfy my hunger . So on we went to this Indian place . Turns out she 's been there before . It was her ex 's favourite restaurant . The world is tiny . And I have no idea why I wanted to tell you that , but I know it was supposed to lead me to somewhere relevant . I remember , when I was a small child , my father used to like boiled wiener sausages . I have always found such boiled wiener sausages to be disgusting . I like them fried , but better grilled . Maybe he did as well . He was nok a good cook , not really a cook at all actually . In my opinion . When the microwave oven was introduced to the masses , he instantly bought one . He exchanged it at some point , and soon I will be the owner of it . It 's main function for the last few years has been , both for me and him , to serve as the kitchen clock . I have never before thought seriously about the use of microwave ovens as something that could contribute to the outbreaks of cancer and / or Amytrophic Lateral Sclerosis . But I think I will stop using them now . Not that I consider my hunch - like thought conjunction to be either true or false . It could be interesting to have a look at what kind of research has been done , because it surely must have been done . But I don 't think I will bother . On his desk are several solid brass cubes . I think he must have used them for paper weights when he drew houses with pen and paper as an architect in his 30s and 40s . In the 70s and 80s . If he drew that much . They don 't really draw that much , architects , do they ? I think he also liked them as objects . They are also quite beatiful , and heavy . It would hurt if you dropped them on your feet . I think the two of them must be 1 ½ " x1 ½ " x1 ½ " , the others 1 ″ x1 ″ x2 ″ . The thought of drawing something just occurred to me and made my happy . There are tools for drawing everywhere here . Let me find some stuff . Puff , puff . I looked through his drawers and found in the fourth I looked in ( there are about 50 drawers in all ) a large array of Winsor & Newton inks in different colours . They are beautiful . There is a nice white feather in the drawer , but I prefer the simple fountain pen point bamboo pen I found in a glass on his small table in front of the sofa . In the drawer was also a small " astrological computer " called astro made by a company called KOSMOS . Here is a link I found on it . I have also found a lamp with a daylight bulb in it , which my girlfriend and I when he got it mistook for a " sunshine machine " . Like the big lamps Phillips makes , they are meant for people who can 't handle the darkness of winter . I have brought it to his desk , plugged and turned it on , have found a sketchpad and a green soft plastic / hard rubber cover to put it on and will now begin drawing . Then I ruined three pages in one of his notebooks . I used a lot of colours . I 'll let you see the first one , the others are too embarassingly bad : I have a life . My father had his life . You have your life . We all have one life each . We are members of the human species , a truly amazing animal . Humans are the most intelligent being in the universe that we know of . Hopefully there are others out there who tackle life in a less destructive way than we do . All exams went well . Cheers ! I passed my oral exam gloriously , was examined in the subject of STRESS and used for the occasion among other things my own physiological reactions to describe the rising pulse , the arousal , " Yes ! What do we call it ? " asked the professor and made little movements with his arms , priming me for : FIGHT OR FLIGHT ! After which they asked me whether I wanted to draw anything , and I most certainly did , so I drew a curve which showed how the level of arousal rose and fell and said something about it which I had half - read on the train that morning . I knew that both my professor and the censor were very interested in stress , so I had made sure to have a look at the chapter on it , and was lucky enough that they referenced the figures and graphs I had looked at . I also made sure to use a direct quote from one of the theorists we had written about in our project . And played a short piece on the trumpet . I am writing you today because my father has been put in hospital . He has pneumonia . That was a bit of a frightening sentence to write . I am high and have in front of me also a glass of wine . But I am not drunk . He was committed yesterday , his helper dialed 911 . I was called by the emergency ward . I had slept long into the day , my girlfriend [ I used her name ] and I had visited my father [ I used his name ] the night before and he had not been quite well . He had pointed to himself and pointed a thumb downward . We ate some thai food we had brought , saw WALL - E in HD on his new TV , which didn 't look too good because the TV interpolates to make more frames between the existing ones , to make the picture more " flowing " . It makes everything recorded with cameras look like the cameras were video cameras from around the turn of the century and animation films look like the in - game renderings of introductory stories to video games . I couldn 't find out how to turn it off . My father slept quite a bit during the movie . When we left we talked about that he should have seen something he knew . When I was called I was in the kitchen . I prepared myself , I think , when I heard the phone ring , that it possibly concerned him . Maybe I didn 't prepare myself until I looked at the display , or until I saw that there was no picture in the background , or maybe I didn 't prepare myself until I saw the number and knew that I didn 't know it . But I was prepared when I picked it up , but I don 't think I thought of the possibility that it could be the hospital calling . I am sorry to say this , but nicotine is a substance I can feel it would be nice to have some of right now . It is an interesting question : is that feeling the product of a mental disorder ? Or is it only the overuse of a substance , you do not wish to take , that can be defined as such ? I believe he will make it . Is it because I don 't want to think about deaf , I wrote . But I meant , of course : death . Crap of God . Because is a violent word , isn 't it ? Alternatively , I have trouble preparing for the possibility of his death , because I have prepared myself for it so many times , or so many times when it hasn 't happened . About that habituation - I think I am experiencing feelings I haven 't had for a while . But now , there he lies . And that 's where I came from . I was standing in the kitchen and was told on the phone by a nurse at the hospital , that my father was there with them , and that he had left his apartment without his keys , and would I get them for him . I answered that I would , and that I would also bring his computer ( his tablet PC with the synthetic voice software ) and asked if they would ask if him if there was anything else I needed to get and bring . The nurse said that he was pointing toward his mouth , and we came to the conclusion that he was missing his dentures . I reminded myself of the things , I needed to remember : Dentures , computer , keys . Keys , computer , dentures . I had just prepared rice and heated the left overs from the thai food we had eaten at his house the day before . I packed the food in a plastic container and left the pots on the stove . What else ? I was on the bus . Then I opened the door : put the key in the box to the right of the door , turned , the mechanic arm above the door opened the door , but the chair in his living room was empty . I picked up the things , he had asked me to , and took a Coke for him from the fridge , ate some of the candy he always has lying around for his helpers . I took an orange soda for myself . I took the bus to the hospital . He is in the lung ward at the hospital . On the third floor of the same building where the neurological ward is , where I met with the counselor who couldn 't help me . We didn 't click , I didn 't feel I could trust that she understood what I said . But he is fine there . All the doctors and nurses I have met there have been super great , and I think it is good for him to have a good experience with a hospital . I don 't think he has been in a hospital since he got his diagnosis 8 years and two months ago . I wonder how coherent this is . He has pneumonia . That is what I wanted to write . And beyond that : I think he is okay . I am also okay . Hope you are well . Let me present to you the programme : First , I will say a couple of things . We will sing a psalm . We will hear the Prelude to Bach 's Air - played by the orchestra Name Omitted . We will sing the next psalm . We will hear Ave Maria by Schubert - sung by a wonderful mezzosoprano voice . Then the coffin will be carried to the hearse , which will transport it to the crematory . When the coffin has been carried out , we can go have a look at the place where he is to lie . Afterwards , everyone is welcome for lunch . We have ordered a table for half past twelve at a restaurant in the city . After the ceremony you can grab a hold of my girlfriend , sitting there , and tell her if you mould like to join us for lunch . You are all very welcome . I have chosen the psalms we will sing from a list my father left me . He has also chosen the Bach piece . Ave Maria is my contribution to the programme , which he has laid out most of the framework and details for . I didn 't add it to dramaticize the situation , but to heighten his presence today . My father loved Schubert , and this song was very much * him * . He left behind the instructions for me for today along with different texts , thoughts and quotes in a Word document on a USB memory stick , in a folder called Funeral . He began writing the document in 2006 and has added and made changes to it until two years ago , when he must have been more or less satisfied . At the bottom of the first page , at the end of a short , very sweet letter to me , my father had pasted the following Shakespeare - quote , which I also have pasted on the first page of the programme for today . Not for it to serve as a sum of my father 's thoughts on life , but because there was no room for it inside the folder . My father 's spiritual inspirations were many , Shakespeare was only one of them . My father wanted to be buried at the graveyard here , and for the ceremony to be held in this chapel . You cannot see his stone yet , but he has chosen one that lies flat , facing up . He has chosen for there to be green and white flowers . Until a couple of years ago , it was one of my father 's big projects to draw , again and again in the changings of the seasons , the big tree on the corner of the park across the street from his second floor apartment . It was not his only project . From 1999 until 2008 he drew more than 700 drawings of the same plaster copy of an antique buste of a beautiful woman , which still stands on his dresser in the apartment . During the last couple of years he bought boxsets of DVD 's : all of Shakespeare 's 34 plays in BBC TV productions from the late seventies to early eighties , 30 hours of opera from the Scala theatre in Milano , and on CD : the collected works of Mozart , Beethoven , Verdi and Puccini , and systematically worked his way through all the volumes . In the document he left me , he also put this passage about the birds in the park . He wrote it at some point during his disease , possibly in one of his many emails to me . He writes : > 5AM . When the sun rises , there is such a noise in the park - like joy because the light is returning , and the world no longer must lie in darkness ! Such a screaming , cheering about the wonder of the world , the wonder of God , the wonder of The Creating Universe , the wonder of creation or whatever it is - every morning ! Those birds , ducks and swans , must have unusually short memories if they forget that the sun rises every morning , yesterday as well as today , as if they don 't take it for granted , but join in a cheering choir , just because the sun is rising again ! It is surely a wonder we should all be happy about . That the light comes back after a dark and dangerous night , and that there became light in the first place . So we don 't have to live in darkness . Other planets lie in total darkness all the time . It is for sure a blessing to all the creatures on earth and a daily wonder - that the sun rises again . The birds honour it , and they remind me of the wonder of being alive , and of living in light every day . Imagine - if every bird had a soul like us , which every morning takes joy in the sunrise with it , and makes the bird sing so beautifully . It really makes it worthwhile to get up every morning . Most of those present today probably remember him as a man whose physique was more or less similar to yours . But about 10 years ago , he first felt the symptoms of the motor neuron disease ALS - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis ( Lou Gehrig 's Disease ) , with which he was diagnosed in late 2002 . From 2004 he was in a wheelchair , from 2008 in an electric wheelchair . He fought the disease with all his great will . One of the first things he did was to buy a " step machine " , a staircase - simulating fitness machine which he set up in front of the window facing the park across the street from his apartment , to keep his dwindling muscles going , and used it to go for a walk in the park every day . Until he no longer could . It appears to me that he almost always succeeded in solving the problems that came , and in accepting his current level of functioning as a new normal , and thereby keeping his joy in life . Maybe until the last two weeks , when the situation got a lot worse in a short time . Or no , I actually don 't think he did completely lose his joy in life . He experienced death anxiety , was afraid of not waking up if he went to sleep , but that is certainly not the same as losing the will to live . On tuesday , January 25th , my father was committed to the hospital with pneumonia . The first ten days it looked like the infection was getting better , and the doctors spoke to him about which new machines he would be needing at home . But he couldn 't sleep at night , because he was scared of not waking up again . It was also very exhausting to have pneumonia , because he couldn 't cough up his mucus , and was very worn from having been bedridden for two weeks . When I visited him on the second saturday of his stay , he woke up for a bit , but the staff hadn 't been able to get in touch with him for a while . He slid in and out of consciousness for the next few days . Mostly out . In the evening on sunday I communicated with him for the last time . He had been unconscious all day , but awoke when my girlfriend and I came back from a walk down to the big church near the hospital . We were happy that he was present , and I told him my girlfriend had thought the church looked like the famous religious figure it is named after , and that I thought it looked like an organ . At the time my father was too weakened to use his computer for writing , and we couldn 't understand the letters he drew on the blanket . I proposed that I would say the alphabet and that he would lift his eyebrows when we reached the letters he wanted to use . Lifting his eyebrows had by then become the most distinct feature of his nodding movement . I also told him about something I wanted to ask him , concerning some constructions at the back of the church . Tall pillars which seem to support the church from the outside , and I asked him if these were necessary because there was nothing to support the construction of the church from the inside . He raised his eyebrows and looked at me with a look that told me he had something to say . We spelled out the technical term for the construction ( which I don 't know what and can 't find out what is called in English ) . A piece of information I am very grateful to have recieved . But I am very convinced that he was all in all mentally well . He liked his life . And I do not doubt , that his efforts to avoid submitting to the patient role is one of the things that have kept him alive for so relatively long . He asked me to read a poem for you . It was written in 1923 by an American house wife and florist named Mary Elizabeth Frye . It is called " Do not stand at my grave and weep " : I am not there ; I did not die . I am proud of the father he was and happy that you all came here to take part in saying goodbye to him . Thank you . I am on my way to the hospital in a taxi . I have asked the driver to turn off his radio . Cat I ask you to turn off the radio ? Yes . Thank you . You 're welcome . They called from the lung ward , my father isn 't taking in enough oxygen . His oxygen is falling . There was also the possibility that they would cure his pneumonia and that he afterwards might be able to move to an apartment where he could go outside every day , on a balcony or terrace , and feel the wind , rain and sun on his face . Should I regret not having helped him move ? He could have bought help to fix it up before selling if he really wanted to move . I don 't think he did , but it is not an easy subject I have digressed into . Then the phone rang and I looked at the number . I knew who it was because I didn 't have it listed and it was a land line . I took great care in getting out of the door in a quick but not panicky manner . I remember getting out of the taxi and walk towards the building I had left just a few hours before . It must have been the first weekend after he had been put in hospital , because I was home alone . Yes . My girlfriend was in another part of the country , visiting her grandmother . I was walking on a path that pointed diagonally toward the eight story tall hospital building , looked up at it and thought to myself : Is it neccessary for a person in my situation to run at this point ? Then I ran inside and hurried up the stairs . I went directly into the bathroom to take a piss , wash my hands and face , and to have a look at my eyes . I looked sane enough and went out into the corridor where I was approached by a nurse . She asked me if I was my father 's son ( using my father 's name ) , I said : Yes , she said : We just talked on the phone . Listen , your father is not very well . The doctor has been here , he 's had a look at him . At the moment his numbers are a little better , but we don 't know how long they will stay that way . How low are his oxygen numbers ? They were below 70 , but last I checked they were in their eighties . Is there anyone else we need to call ? It was maybe three in the morning . I said no and thanked her , she told me I could go in , I did , past his roommate , another very thin , but older person with a mask , who had spent most of the preceding day watching television . I went to my father 's bed , took his hand and looked at his thin , pale face with the big , transparent oxygen mask over his mouth and nose , his strengthless arms hanging at his sides and a shallow , fastpaced breathing pumping in his chest . I brought a chair to the bed and sat down . I told him I had been called by the hospital , and that they had said his blood saturation had been low . He looked exhausted . I took his hand . I started crying and told him I loved him . He also started crying . I told him I was so happy he had met my girlfriend ( I used her name ) . He cried with even greater strength . He took my arm and led it to his neck . He was lying down . I had just pulled him further up in the bed . He grabbed the railing and pulled over to one side , led my hand to his neck . There is more bone than muscle , the muscles are small , like shoulder pads under the skin . Or ergonomical soles for shoes . I massaged his left shoulder . It was nice . 5AM . When the sun gets up , there is such a noise in the park , like joy that the light has returned and the world no longer must lie in darkness ! Such a screaming , cheering by the wonder of the world , the wonder of God , the wonder of the creating universe , the wonder of creation or whatever it is - every morning ! Those birds , ducks and swans , must have unusually short memories , if they forgot that the sun rises every morning , yesterday like today , like they don 't take it for granted but start their cheering choir , just because the sun is rising again ! That is for shure a wonder , we all should take joy in . That the light comes back after a dark and dangerous night and that there became light in the first place so we don 't have to live in darkness . Other planets lie in total darkness all the time . It is for sure a blessing to all the creatures on earth and a daily wonder that the sun rises again . The birds honour it and remind me of the wonder of being alive and to live in light every day . Think then , if every bird had a soul like us , that takes joy in every morning with it and makes it sing so beautifully . It really makes it worthwhile to get up every morning . Yesterday I was at the graveyard to choose a spot for his grave , at the headstoneshop for a headstone and at my father 's apartment to find the clothes he is to be cremated in . I found a dusted green TENSON - shirt and a pair of white slacks . I will myself be wearing a pair of white Levi 's 501 and an expensive green shirt I bought at a fancy department store the day after the night he died . He will be buried next to a person with a funny name . There is a tree one can lean against when one visits his grave . It is like he wanted it , under a tree and also , like he also wanted it , with a view of a tree , he could draw . I can draw . And become a part of him . I am presently testing a writing technique where I first write what I want to say in my mother tongue , and afterwards translate it into English . I thus think and edit these thoughts in a non - English language . Then I translate them into English and edit them in Englihs afterwards . It 's interesting - when I was in New York last spring , people were so sure that what I write is good because I am a foreigner . " What do you mean by writing ? " - " I mean committing words to letters . " " Oh my God . " I also chose yesterday which of the two halls of the chapel the ceremony will take place in . My father only wrote that he wanted it to take place in that chapel . Because it is beautiful . And it is . Hello . Hello . Were you the one that called earlier ? Yes . What can I do for you ? I need a headstone . My father just died . Yes . Come inside . I wanted to give the mason the instructions from the graveyard office on the demands for the measurements and so forth for the headstone , but he wanted another recipt instead , where it said the coordinates and department I had chosen for him , and signatures to prove the deal was done . Section 30 , 11C , he said . I have three different left . We went over to the stones . I chose one which was from a neighbouring country , and which my father 's biological family far out into the links is from . But I chose it because of the surface which was more beautiful than the others ' . The mason said : Yeah , that 's the nicest one . I am unsure whether he was consciously manipulating me into liking the stone .
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I love Halloween and have always loved dressing up in fun costumes . But this year , I am even more excited because I have someone else that I can dress up in costumes . That 's right ! I am one of those people . I dress my dog up for Halloween . Deal with it ! Last year we didn 't have Louie yet , so this was the first year that we got to do anything like this with him . And my dog is weird and likes clothes . And I am not lying when I say this . If you pull a sweater or a bandanna out for him he gets excited and starts jumping around and then will sit in front of you so that you can put it on him . Weird , I know . So of course , I had to get him a costume . Or maybe two . We couldn 't decide between these two that we loved , so when I went to the Halloween store and saw that they had both of them , I decided to just buy both . I mean who says a dog can 't have more than one costume ? Not to mention that he will probably wear these next year too . This first costume my Husband found on ThinkGeek and he wanted it so badly . We had already said that we wanted a different costume though , so I told him we could wait and do it next year . Well , when I saw it at the store it was just so cute , so I decided to get it . And I am glad that I did because Louie absolutely loves it and it ended up being my favorite of the two that we picked out for him . He loves his costume . And the little cape on it is so cute . When he runs it kind of flaps in the wind and it is just adorable . The original costume that we had picked out for him was also one that they had at the Halloween store . I looked at the back of the packaging and it said that for his breed size that we should get a small . Well , they didn 't have a small so I got a medium figuring it would just be a little big on him . So I got it home and it was actually a little too small on him . Not sure how that worked out , but it 's not a big deal since I can fix it . I still think this costume is cute , but it definitely doesn 't fit the way that I would have liked it too . But he still looks damn cute in it . And I think that once I fix it , it will look a lot better . We have always said that when his hair gets really long that he looks like an Ewok and this costume has now confirmed this . And we actually haven 't taken him to the groomers because we wanted his haiSo yes , I am one of those people that dresses my dog up . But when he looks so cute in everything , how can you resist not putting him in something ? I think that would just be a travesty ! And I personally feel that I would be robbing the world of the cuteness that is Louie in a Halloween costume ! Okay so I know fours days in one post is a lot , but after your best friend gives birth to the most beautiful little girl , you don 't really go out and do anything . A few hours after Lou gave birth and we had plenty of time to take in Baby G , Lou 's Husband took us home to get some sleep . I mean we had all been up since the morning before with little to no sleep at all . So to say that we were tired is a huge understatement . Although because of all the excitement and adrenaline due to Baby G 's arrival , we barely noticed how tired we were until we got in the car to make the trip back to their place . We grabbed some food on the way and I immediately scarfed it down and then within probably twenty minutes , I passed out . Lou 's Husband headed back to the hospital to stay with her and Baby G for the night . Which was fine by me . I knew that I was probably going to be doing nothing but sleeping the next few days . So the remainder of day 6 was spent sleeping and almost all of day 7 I slept or just sat on the couch watching TV . Day 8 which was Friday , Lou , her Husband and Baby G all came home from the Hospital . We didn 't do anything that day either . We were just so excited that they were home that we just spent the day at the house hanging out and admiring Baby G . We started Day 9 by going to breakfast at Zippy 's . The food was really good , but I found a few menu items to be kind of weird . But for those that live in Hawaii , this is normal . I am just not used to seeing it on a menu here in CO . After breakfast we ran a few errands and did a little bit of shopping and then headed back to their place for the rest of the night . We were all pretty exhausted at this point , so a night with nothing to do sounded amazing to me . I am pretty sure I passed out pretty quickly this night . Sunday morning we all got up and headed back into town so that we could finish up our souvenir shopping . I had a few things that I needed to get for a few family members . My Brother for instance insisted that I bring him back a new dashboard Hula Girl because the one I bought him in 2006 had broken . So we went back to Waikiki and went to the Hale Koa and the Rainbow Bizarre . After we finished up our shopping , which took a few hours , we headed back to the other side of the island . Lou 's Husband dropped all of us off at home and then he went and grabbed us some dinner . After dinner , I started gathering all of my stuff and started packing my bags since my flight was the next morning and we had to be up super early to head to the airport . After I finished my packing , I just hung out with Lou and everyone else and just tried to soak in all the time I had left with her . I couldn 't believe how quickly the week had gone by . And with Baby G making her arrival , it seemed like the week went by even more quickly . I was really sad that I was leaving because I knew that I was going to instantly miss my best friend and her new little family . But unfortunately the real world was calling and I had to get back to my family and work . It was an amazing week . I got to spend some time with my best friend . I got to watch her become a Mom . I got to see her Husband become a Dad . And I got to see them become an even bigger family . I loved every minute that I got to spend with them . I couldn 't have asked for a better vacation . No comments Hello lovelies ! I don 't know about most of you , but I have a case of the Monday 's real bad today . I didn 't want to get out of bed . It was so warm and I had a couple of kitties and a dog that wanted to be extra snugly this morning . It was real rough getting out of bed . I feel like I am on repeat lately because once again we had a busy weekend . Friday night we grabbed some food on our way home and then snuggled up on the couch and watched three episodes of Game of Thrones . We just started the first season a few weeks ago and I am so hooked . We are halfway through the first season and I can 't wait to see what else happens . Saturday morning we got up pretty early to head down to Manitou for the Emma Crawford Coffin Races . They do this every year the weekend before Halloween and neither of us had ever gone . And this year , my Husbands company had their own entry in the races . So we picked up our friend Bret on the way and headed down for the festivities . They were a lot of fun . The costumes were awesome and there was so much creativity everywhere . It was very cool . And my Husbands company won for Best Coffin ! After the races we ran around trying to find all the pieces for our costumes because of course we waited til the last minute to do everything . After running around all afternoon , we headed home to just relax . I carved a pumpkin why the Hubs and Bret watched TV . Sunday was again super busy . I got up around 8 and immediately started on my laundry . There was no avoiding it anymore . There were piles everywhere . I then spent the rest of my morning running around . My first stop was at the Spirit Halloween store to get the last piece of my costume . Then I headed to Target to buy some new sheets and a comforter for our bed . Then I did our grocery shopping for the week . After I got home I continued my laundry and waited for my Mom to show up with a few things of mine . Once she got there we unloaded everything and then she headed out to go to my brothers . I then had to hop in the shower so that I could head to my friend KB 's so that we could go downtown to watch the Rapids game . Unfortunately the Rapids lost which means that their first playoff game will be away this Wednesday at Seattle . Which is not what we were hoping for , but oh well . Hopefully they play like they did the last time we played Seattle when we beat them 5 - 1 . After the game I headed home to finish up the remainder of my laundry and to get started on my costume . I got one part of it done , which is great , but I still have to finish the rest . Hopefully I can get everything done in time . We have a very busy week ahead of us . Let 's just say that although I am looking forward to Halloween and all the fun activities that are surrounding it this year , I am definitely looking forward to this week being over . How was your weekend ? Do anything fun ? As I told you in yesterday 's post , Lou 's water had finally broke and we headed to the hospital . It was about 9 pm when we arrived at the hospital on Tuesday night . They took us back to a triage room where they had to confirm that her water had indeed broke and then they would admit her . Well I won 't get into all the details but our first hour there was really scary . They confirmed that her water broke and started doing all the stuff they needed to do to admit her . Well the IV part didn 't go so well and at one point they were getting ready to wheel her back to the OR for an emergency c section . But thankfully they ended up not having to do that and everything was fine and the eventually moved her to her own room . After what seemed like a really long night , a few episodes of Firefly and a showing of Wayne 's World , Baby G finally made her debut into the world . She was born on September 25th and weighed in at 6 lbs and 12 oz ! I of course cried as soon as she was born . That is my MO after all . I always cry . But she is absolutely beautiful and looks just like Lou , which I absolutely love ! Now I am just waiting for that red hair to start showing up more : ) I am so incredibly excited for my best friend and her Husband . I watched her become a Mom in an instance . And for something that you would think would take some time getting used to seeing , seemed so natural . You could see the love in her face as she stared down at this beautiful baby girl and in that second you could instantly see that she went from being your best friend to being your best friend that is now a Mom . It didn 't seem like anything had changed at all . Things just seemed like they were right and it felt as if everything was supposed to be this way . And I loved that feeling . Lou , I am so incredibly proud of you . You did such an amazing job during this entire pregnancy and especially during labor . I have always had a tremendous amount of respect for you , but seeing you become a Mom made me have so much more respect for you . You are Wonder Woman and I am so blessed to call you my best friend . And I am already so in love with your little girl . I can 't wait to watch you guys grow together as a family . And I can 't wait to see that red hair come in ! I love you guys so much and I am thankful that you let me be apart of such a special moment in your life . From the bottom of my heart , thank you ! Monday rolled around and Lou still hadn 't gone into labor , so unfortunately she had to go to work . But thankfully she only had to work half days . So I slept in a little bit and then got up and got to work on doing some more loads of baby laundry . We had been working on this all weekend and still hadn 't even put a dent in it . So I attempted to get more of it done . After a few hours of sitting around I got ready for the day and by the time I was done , Lou and her Husband had both arrived at home so that they could go to hopefully her last Doctors appointment . So I decided to tag along just to get out of the house and see a little bit more of the island . After her appointment we went and got some stuff from the store and then headed back to their place so that I could make dinner for everyone . I made Stuffed Bell Peppers because this has always been one of Lou 's favorite dishes of mine . So I was happy to make them for her . We ended the evening by just hanging out around the house and watching TV . It was a pretty uneventful day , but it was definitely needed after the busy weekend that we had . Tuesday morning I woke up pretty early and happened to catch Lou before she went to work that morning . I asked her how she was feeling and she said that her stomach really hurt and I don 't mean in an upset stomach kind of way . I mean like her stomach was super tight and it hurt to move . But since she wasn 't really showing any signs of labor , she headed to work . I once again spent my morning just relaxing on the couch and watching TV . I didn 't really feel the need to do much since we had finished all the laundry the night before and had gotten it all put away . So I just watched TV and waited for Lou to get home because we had decided to go to the beach that afternoon once she got off work . Around 12 : 30 pm Lou and her Husband both showed up and then we all got ready to head to the beach . We made a stop at this delicious sandwich shop on our way down to grab lunch . It was called Storto 's and it was in Haleiwa . We also stopped at LaIt was kind of overcast , but still really warm so it was a pretty perfect day for the beach . We had a lot of fun just hanging out on the beach at first but then decided it was time to go in the water . I always forget that the water is salty until I get a little bit of it in my mouth and than it taste disgusting , haha ! The water was great though . It was warm and pretty calm for the most part . So we just sat in the water and bobbed around for a few hours before we decided that we were done for the day . So we packed everything up , hit the showers to rinse off , changed and then headed back towards Haleiwa . We decided to make one last stop in Haleiwa before heading back to their place . We stopped at this little road side store called Matsumoto Shaved Ice . This place is apparently known world wide . And they have all kinds of different flavors of shaved ice and you can add things on it like condensed milk and a few other things . And from what Lou and her Husband told us , the line for this place is usually wrapped around the building , but we got really lucky and the line was super short . So we all went in and got some shaved ice . Lou told me to get the condensed milk on it , which I wasn 't sure about . My suspicions were right , I didn 't like that part of it at all , but the rest of it was pretty good ! After getting the shaved ice we headed back to their place to hang out for the rest of the evening . We thought we would just hang out at the house that night and have some dinner and watch TV . Lou 's Husband had decided to run to the store to get a few things that we needed to make dinner . Lou decided to hop in the shower while he was gone but within a few minutes came out and told me and her Mom that she was pretty sure that her water had just broke . Queue all kinds of excitement ! ! ! I called Lou 's Husband and told him to come home to which he replied " That 's really weird ! I just got off the phone with my Dad and he had called to tell me that he had a dream about fish jumping which means that someone that you know that is pregnant , their water just broke or is about to break . " I thought that was really interesting . He also told me something about how his Dad said he had another dream about something else that indicates that someone is having twins . Again , with the twins thing ! ! ! ! I don 't know if he was just joking or if he was being serious , haha ! Once Lou 's Husband got home we got everything ready to go . We packed up the remainder of Lou 's hospital bag with everything that she needed . I showed Lou 's Husband how to strap the car seat into the car properly and how to take it off and on the base . Once we had everything ready to go and packed in the car we all loaded up and made the 45 minute drive to the hospital . It was time for Baby G to make her way into the world and we were all so excited ! I think Lou 's Husband was more excited than any of us . It was the cutest thing to watch him trying to get everything together because you could just see the excitement on his face . And we were all especially excited that we would all be there to witness her coming into this world . 1 comment Hello Monday . I am not real thrilled to see you , but that might be because I know that this week is going to be rough considering this will be the first full week I have worked in over a month , ugh ! Yeah , so I already have that working against me this week . Before I get into the weekend recap , I wanted to take a sec to say Congratulations to my Sister - In - Law , Ali ( The Husbands Sister ) , on the birth of her little boy last week . Sawyer made his debut last Monday and he is just a doll . So if anyone is wondering that makes six Nieces and Nephews that my Husband and I have . And it will soon be seven since my other Sister - In - Law is pregnant and due in March ! Our family is a growing ! Onto the weekend . My weekend started on Friday this week . Some good friends / co - workers of ours were getting married in Estes Park , CO on Friday , so we took the day off to go . It 's a good three hour drive from where we live , so we left with what we thought was plenty of time to get there . Well due to unfortunate circumstances ( a semi rollover ) we were running late and ended up missing the whole ceremony . I was so mad , but we did get to attend the reception . A good portion of our friends and some of my fellow co - workers were also there , so it was a lot of fun to spend time with everyone outside of the office . The food was really good , the drinks were delicious , and the cake was A - MAZ - ING ! I could have eaten six pieces of it ! We I danced up a storm along with a few other friends and we just had a good time celebrating our friends marriage . It was a good night , that is for sure . After the reception we headed back to Denver to stay the night at Aran 's parents house so that we could spend some time with his family the next day . We woke up the next day around ten and started our day . Aran 's older Brother was in town and he brought his new girlfriend Sara , who I just absolutely love . We all headed to lunch at one of my favorite places to eat , Jim N ' Nick 's . After lunch , Aran , his Brother and Sara all headed to a game store and Aran 's Mom and I went to Ulta . We also went to Barnes & Noble where I found these really cute Halloween tote bags . After our little shopping adventure we all met back up at Savory Spice Shop to get a few things that we all needed then we headed back to his parents house to relax a little bit before we needed to head to church . We headed to church around 4 : 30 pm . After church we all went to get dinner together and then headed to the Park Meadows Mall to do a little bit more shopping . After all of this , Aran and I headed back home . It had been a long couple of days and we were ready to get home and sleep in our own bed . Sunday was kind of a lazy day . I woke up around 9 and made myself some breakfast and just watched TV for a while . Then around 1 : 30 I headed to the airport to pick my friends up from their trip to Vegas . Luckies ! And then I did some grocery shopping and then headed home to do some Halloween decorating and to make dinner . I made something that my Mom makes all the time and is one of my favorite cold weather foods . Chicken and Dumplings Soup . Yummy ! It was my first time making the dumplings and they were super easy . Next time we are going to try and make them from scratch instead of from the box though . But it turned out delicious ! The rest of the night was spent on the couch screaming at the TV because the Broncos were sucking it up last night ! Ugh ! Oh well . We were bound to lose at some point , I just hope they can learn from their mistakes and come back next week and kick some ass ! Our weekend was once again jam packed . It was fun and eventful , but I am really looking forward to next weekend . We have zero plans and I am going to try my hardest to keep it that way . How was your weekend ? My second day in Hawaii , which was Saturday , was a pretty laid back one . We got up , had some breakfast and then got ready for the day . Lou , her Mom and myself headed out to do some shopping and run some errands . Lou also drove us around a bit and showed us more of the island . And we also stopped and had shakes at this burger place called Teddy 's . And holy freaking crap was that place good ! We ended our day by going grocery shopping for the week and then going back to her place and making dinner and watching a movie . It was a pretty calm and uneventful day , but it was very much needed . On Sunday we all managed to sleep in for a little bit . Which was amazing ! The four hour time difference along with the long day on Friday was really starting to catch up to me . Once everybody was up and around , we had planned on going to the beach for the day , but we wanted to stop at the PX first on base . By the time we got done at the PX it ended up being too late to go to the beach . So instead of the beach we headed to the Dole Plantation . I was really excited about this . I love pineapple , so I was really excited to get my hands on some fresh stuff . The first thing we did upon going into the Dole Plantation , we picked our own pearls . These little stands are all over the island and they aren 't that expensive , which is nice , but the sales people are kind of pushy about you turning your pearl into a piece of jewelry . But I did pick a pearl and I got a pink one ! I did end up having it turned into a necklace , but this was the only thing that I bought myself while I was over there , so I felt that it was justified , haha ! They also gave me an extra oyster since I bought something and this one had twin pearls in it . The lady told me that is usually an indication that you will have twins at some point . I told her she was funny and then gave her the stink eye ! After our pearl picking adventure we finally made our way around the plantation . It really is just a big gift store , but they had some cool stuff . AND they had the most delicious pineapple ice cream . I could eat gallons of that stuff . It was so yummy ! It was a very pretty place . I would love to go back again someday . After we were done at the Dole Plantation , we headed down towards Haleiba to get some dinner . Our restaurant of choice , Macky 's Shrimp Truck . I wasn 't too sure about this at first , because I have never eaten seafood from a truck before , but this place was delicious ! The shrimp was soooooooo good ! I would eat there over and over again if I could . Damn ! I 'm hungry now , haha ! After dinner we headed down to the North Shore to watch the sun set . It was absolutely beautiful and we decided to take the opportunity to take some pictures . I mean how often do you get to see such a beautiful sunset over the beach . Well for me , never . Lou on the other hand , she could see it every day . But still , it was beautiful . I couldn 't get over how pretty all the colors were . I could have stared at this sunset forever . But unfortunately the sun did eventually go away and you couldn 't see the pretty colors anymore , so we left and headed back to their place for the night . My first weekend in Hawaii was definitely a great one . Not only did I get to spend some much needed best friend time with Lou , but we got to see some beautiful sights and eat some great food . It was definitely a great start to my vacation . 4 comments Friday morning , September 20th , I was up way too early so that I could catch my flight to Hawaii . My flight was at 8 : 45 am which meant that I wanted to be there about 6 : 45 and I was so nervous and excited that of course I couldn 't sleep so I woke up around 3 : 30 am . Yeah , that 's me . Big ball of stress , nerves and excitement . I got ready and my Father - In - Law took me to the airport since I had gone up to their place the night before . Once he dropped me off I got checked in , went through security and then found my gate . Once I knew where I was going , I went and grabbed some food since I had a little bit of time until it was time to board . Shortly after I finished my food , my flight boarded . The first flight to Seattle was only a couple of hours , so I listened to my iPod and slept a little bit , but since it was a shorter flight I didn 't do much . Once I was in Seattle I had a four hour layover , but it went by pretty quickly since it took me at least half an hour to get to my next gate and then I got some Starbucks and some lunch . My next flight was from Seattle to Bellingham , WA . And the plane was a little cracker jack plane . I hate those , but it was a super short flight . Like 30 minutes . Once I was in Bellingham I had another hour or so til my last flight which was direct to Honolulu . My flight to Honolulu was about five and half hours long . And it was a very light load as far as passengers go , so I had an entire row to myself which was super nice . I got to stretch out . I also bought the in flight entertainment for $ 10 so I got to enjoy the last two Harry Potter movies which took up most of my time , so my flight really seemed to go by quickly . My $ 10 was very much worth it ! I landed in Hawaii around 7 pm local time . I was so excited and anxious to see the bestie that it took all that I had not to run through the airport to go find my luggage . After I did get my luggage , I was waiting outside the airport for them . And I was looking for their car so intently that I didn 't even realize that Lou had gotten out of the car a ways down and was walking toward me . She said something to get my attention and when I realized it was her I screamed and ran towards her and threw my arms around her . I was soooooooo excited to see her that I had a hard time not crying . It was just so great to be with my best friend again . Once we had all my luggage loaded into the car , we headed into Waikiki where we went to the Hale Koa and had dinner at this really great place that I can 't remember the name of . But I remember that it had crazy 80 's neon colors and weird shapes on the menu . Lou and I decided that it looked like it belonged on the set of " Saved By The Bell . " Lou and I both ordered a stone fired pizza while her Mom and Husband both ordered some type of fish . All of our food was delicious despite the menu looking all crazy . I would definitely go back and eat there again . We were just finishing up dinner when we saw a family at a table near us all jump up and start panicking . Then they yelled out for a doctor or a nurse . One of the men at the table was having a heart attack . I have never seen anything like that actually happen before but it was really scary . Lou 's Mom has been a Nurse and in the medical field for a very long time and Lou 's Husband is trained in combat medic stuff because he is in the Army , so they both jumped up and helped until the Ambulance arrived . It was crazy seeing something like this actually happen . I feel like it only happens in the movies / TV , but it was definitely real life . I felt so awful for the family . You could just see how upset they were . After dinner and all of the commotion , we decided to just walk around Waikiki for a little bit . We went down and walked on the edge of the beach for a little bit and played in the water . I was just so excited to be there so I was kind of just soaking everything in . We kept walking along the beach and we came upon a couple of service men and women who kept kicking a bunch of trash all over the beach and saying " oops " instead of picking it up . So Lou , being 9 months pregnant bent over and picked it up and said something along the lines of , " Don 't worry , I am 9 months pregnant and I picked it up . " Then one of the service men turned around and was yelling at her and got in her face which her Husband was not okay with ! He got right back in his face . I just couldn 't belie1 comment Hey guys ! Remember me ? Yeah , I know . I have still been a bad blogger . I 'm sorry ! But , I thought I would stop in , since ya know , this is my blog . I am spending my day today at a Supervisor Seminar Training something or other , so I wanted to at least give you guys a weekend recap post to read . Tomorrow I hope to have my first Hawaii Recap post up . Onto the weekend though . So even though I hadn 't quite started my weekend yet , I wanted to tell you guys about something that happened at lunch on Friday . A very good friend of mine , P , who I work with , went to Buffalo Wild Wings with me for lunch . He is one of my Husbands best friends too , so I spend quite a bit of time with him . So when we got to BWW for lunch , we sat down and our waitress came over . P took one look at her and then couldn 't stop talking about how cute she was . So I decided to take matters into my own hands like any good friend would do . I wrote a nice little note on the back of our receipt to this cute little waitress . I gave her his number and told her that he was a nice guy and that he would really like to talk to her and get to know her . P kept telling me that it wasn 't going to work and that she would never call or text . He said that if she did though that he would give me $ 10 . So we left to go back to work and left it at that . No joke , I woke up to a text from him on Saturday morning asking me who I put up to text him . And of course I hadn 't and had to convince him of that . But as the day went on he text me and told me that it really was her that text him and that he owed me big . Glad that I could be of service and that will be $ 10 please ! Okay , now onto my real weekend . Friday after work the Hubby and I along with one of my friends went over to American Furniture Warehouse where the previous weekend we had purchased a 3 piece coffee table set . They only had one left but it was in another city , so they had to have it transferred down to our store and wasn 't available for pick up until Friday . So we get there , we checked in at the customer pick up aOur tables . This is from the website and not the actual ones in our house . After we found out the fate of our furniture , we decided to go to dinner . We went to one of my favorite pizza places , Il Vicino . It was delicious as usual and we had a great time with my friend eating and talking and just trying to forget everything that happened with the furniture . After dinner we went home and did a little bit of housework and then went to bed . Saturday morning we got up really early and headed out to go get new tires put on our car and to have our ABS light checked out . I have been so busy that I didn 't even get to tell you guys that our car broke down on Monday . The only working car we had , broke down . Queue a breakdown here . It was not easy on me , but thankfully we have some amazing friends that helped us out with getting to and from work . And my Dad helped us out big time with parts and labor thankfully . But the car had to be towed to my Dad 's work so we think that caused the ABS light to come on , so we wanted to get that fixed . Unfortunately they couldn 't figure out why it was on either , so I guess we are just going to deal with it . After that we headed to my Brothers house to meet up with them to go to the Pumpkin Patch with my Nieces . So we packed up all the kids and headed out . We got there and within 10 minutes they had already found the Pumpkins that they wanted . It didn 't take them long at all , haha ! We took a little bit longer to pick out ours , but I think we picked the perfect ones ! After the pumpkins had been picked , we walked around a bit and I took a picture in front of the farms wagon . I actually have a picture of me and my brother on this same wagon when I was really little , so I wanted to get a picture of me with it now . As my Husband put it , I was getting all nostalgic on him . After the pumpkin patch we headed home so that our tables could be delivered . While we waited around for them to get there I did some more house work . After they delivered our tables we went and did some shopping and had dinner with our friend Bret . And then we came home and watched the first two episodes of " Game of Thrones " and I am hooked . I can 't wait to watch even more of it . I then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch while we watched SNL , so I finally pulled myself off the couch and headed to bed . Sunday I got up around 9 and immediately got started running errands . I went to Target and finished up some of my Fall Swap shopping ( dont ' forget to get your packages in the mail by Tuesday since I know the Post Office is closed Today ) . Then I went and got some groceries and then headed home to get ready . The best part of my weekend was Sunday afternoon . My Mom is in town for her job right now so we all headed to my Brothers house to have an early dinner . I was so excited to see my Mom and Step Dad . I haven 't seen them since last January , so it has been a while . So we spent the afternoon catching up and eating and watching my Nieces run around the house like crazy people . It was a great afternoon and I am so glad that I got to spend some time with her . The rest of Sunday was spent just watching TV and writing some blog posts . Ya know , nothing too amazing , haha ! It was a very busy weekend once again . I don 't know that we will ever get a weekend with nothing to do , but oh well . I hope you guys had a great weekend and I hope that your Monday isn 't too tough on you . Have a great day everyone ! Remember me ? Yeah , I blog here every now and then . I know I haven 't had a real blog post up in a while , but I promise I have not fallen off the face of the earth . So much has been going on since I got back from Hawaii on Monday that I have had no time to do anything other than work and getting a few things done at home . Oh and catching up on all the shows I missed , haha ! Priorities people ! But I have almost gotten myself completely caught up at work . It has only taken me four days to dig out from being gone for ten days . I am getting to a point where I can almost see the top of my desk . Yay ! And I have a ton of stuff to do at home this weekend too . I mean it is October 4th already and I haven 't even started decorating for Halloween ! What is wrong with me ? So I am planning on pulling out all of our decorations this weekend and going to town on that . I guess I should probably do some real housework too , huh ? ! And I have things I need to do in the yard as well , but if it is cold like it is today ( currently 40 degrees as I type this ) I may not get to do any of that . But we shall see . Do you guys have any fun plans for the weekend ? Hi ! I 'm Megan ! Welcome to my little corner on the internet . I 'm slightly obsessed with cute workout clothes , working out , football , Harry Potter and Zumba . Over the past few years I have been on an incredible journey to get into the best shape of my life . I love being able to share my journey and I hope that I can inspire others to change their lives too . Hope you stick around and follow me through life 's little adventures ! View my complete profile
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" He explained to me that she was his child and the product of a romance that he had before he went into the army . They broke up and then when he went home on furlough , he heard she was having his baby . He said he didn 't believe it at first , that they had only ' gotten together ' one time . He discounted the fact that it could be his . " " Apparently not . However , when Savannah brought Rose to him , and he saw her red hair , he knew she could only be his . When they brought her to me , he said that the mother didn 't want the baby , and he couldn 't bear the thought of another man raising his child . So she became my little Martha Rose . He named her after his mother , Martha Jane . We called her Rose because of her pink skin and the little mouth that was shaped like a rosebud . I loved her like she had been born from my body . " " I 'm afraid you 'll have to find out from her . I don 't know the answers to those questions . What I 'm telling you is all that I know . I didn 't know until I moved here as a widow anything about you . Even then , I had no clue that the two of you could possibly be sisters . Cousins , maybe , since Seamus had brothers and sisters , but certainly not sisters . " When both of them came out of the kitchen into the living room , there was an almost audible sigh of relief from those waiting . " Bobby Joe , could you please run me by my house before I go to the hospital to visit my Granny ? I 'd kind of like to see what it looks like now . " Upon arrival at the house , Arlissa noticed the Cadillac parked in the yard near the back door . " Surely , they 're not working out here today , on a Sunday ! Granny would be that upset if she knew they were . " They a minute ! Something seems off about this , " whispered Bobby Joe . " You can 't just rush in like you 're doing . Somebody could be laying in wait for you , after all the trouble you 've had . " Hetty ! What are you up to ? What are you doin ' with Granny 's rosewood box ? Nobody bothers that ! It 's her personal stuff ! How dare you ? ! ! " uh , uh . . . I came out to check on the paint , to see how the walls looked after it dried , and found this on the floor . Somebody must 've come in and pilfered through your things , while nobody was here to protect it . The box was on the bed and the paper had most likely fallen out of it , I " Well , there is still a lot to do , and we 'll be back tomorrow afternoon , my dear . I must be going , dear children ! " She stopped and looked at Arlissa a moment . " I noticed you are carrying about an album like we used to keep pictures in a long time ago ! " " Yes , it is . Thank you for all you have done for me , Miss Hetty , you and the other ladies . Maybe I 'll see you tomorrow . " Arlissa and Bobby Joe looked questioningly at one another , then laughed . " Do you think she was really out here to check on the paint ? " Bobby asked . " You 're not thinking about asking her anything about your past , are you ? How could you even believe what she would tell you ? " " Well , I never thought about it before . . . " out the rest , they make it up . You could never be sure if what she would tell you would be the whole truth . What about the paper that she was getting ready to look at in that box ? It must be something important don 't think she had seen it ; I don 't even know what is on it . It belongs to Granny and I 'd never look at it . We respect each others ' private stuff . " can do that on my way to the hospital , if you don 't mind . I know it 'll be safe there ! Whatever it 's got in it , I want Granny to know it 's still course , er ah , ' Lissa . That is a good idea about taking it with you . Might as well remove the temptation from that woman 's hands and eyes . " an afterthought , she decided to take the album to the hospital and share the pictures and story with her granny . Maybe she could get more information from that source . Bobby seen her young charge with the prospects of a good marriage , she could stop worrying about what would happen if she passed away . When he left , Arlissa went out into the hallway with him for a few minutes . Returning to the room , she saw Granny lying there smiling and said , " What ? " have something to show you and to tell you . I have some pictures here that I want you to see . Then I have a story to tell you . In fact , I have if I guessed , then you wouldn 't be telling me , would you ? That 's okay , Granny . I think we both know the answer to that . Another question , though . " " But , he 's been gone a long time . You could have told me . I could have had Rose as a sister all this time . " Arlissa cried out , with an ache in her heart . " All this time . . . all this time . " lovingly at her . " You was between the devil and the deep blue sea , tryin ' to keep that promise , I know . But you should have trusted me enough to tell me ! I 'll forgive you , but I 'm hopin ' we 've both learned somethin ' from this whole thing . " not been used for some time , and the battery refused to respond to the key . " I should ' a known it would be dead again . It needed to be replaced some time ago , but I haven 't had the money to do it . " shop and he 's always gettin ' in cars that 's gotta be junked . I 'll pick it up later today when I get offa the job . Okay ? " he owes me some favors , so he won 't charge me anything for it . We 're cousins , after all . His ma and mine are sisters and his ma would climb his frame if he refused . Don 't worry , you 'll have it by tomorrow and installed , to boot . " could , but I 've taken this walk many times in the past and have never been in any danger at all . Con is in jail , and I don 't know of anybody else that would want to hurt me . It is kinda private , too . " felt uneasy about letting her go , but she was a grown woman and seemed to know what she was talking about . He couldn 't push himself on going with her if she didn 't want it , could he ? Arlissa strolled along , listening to the birds singing , and realized how very good she felt to be alive . Things had been difficult over the past several weeks , but she had hopes for troubles to lift in the near future . Her object in taking the walk was to see the tree where she and Rosie used to meet and sit under , talking about what they were going to do in the future . They had spent a lot of time in those teenage years sitting there . She was wondering why Rosie had mentioned the tree in the note she left for her . the tree . It was their own way of keeping up with one another . They were not allowed to tie up the telephone , especially since it was a party line phone . The old oak was huge and gnarled with age . Ah , there it was ! Arlissa laughed and ran to the tree , then jokingly stuck her hand into the large hole . Wait ! There was something in it ! Her fingers had hit something that felt like fabric of some kind . Carefully , she pulled a canvas travel bag from the tree 's cavity . " What in the world ? What is this ? Where did it come from ? " She looked around carefully . . . then unzipped the bag . It was full of money , stacked and banded with rubber bands . Hundred dollar bills ! Where did it come from ? How did it get in here ? What should I do with it ? of that money . Who does it belong to ? Could Rosie have left it there ? Where would she have gotten it ? Why wouldn 't she have just told me she had it if it was hers ? " take it to the Sheriff ! If it is illegal money like I think it is , I don 't want it unless he thinks I should keep it . I reckon maybe Rosie was thinking that I could use it to take care of Benny and see he had what he needed . She knew me and Granny don 't have much in the way of money . " a safer place before unrolling it . After all , it had waited this long . An hour or so longer wouldn 't make any difference , she reckoned . " Well , ain 't you the curious one ! " she laughed . " I got it at the gettin ' place ! " Apparently she had decided to keep that information to herself . " I need to take it to the Sheriff , though . I think it 's time he sees it . " Billy " I was only joking ! I trust you , Billy . I will show you what is in the bag as soon as we 're in the car . " Picking up one of the bundles , he looked at the bank wrapper on it and read . " Fourth National Bank of Pennsylvania is where these wrappers came from . " " Say , the O ' Hanlons came from Pennsylvania about eleven or twelve years ago . That 's when I first met them . They had just come from there and their Grandma died . " listen , we 'd best get this to the Sheriff , then . He 'll know what to do with it . He 's in his office right now , dealing with that foreign fella that beat up a woman . " Wilbur , you know he doesn 't hold any kind of court until a week - day . It 's not going to kill your client to stay in jail another few hours . He 'll eat good while he 's in here and our cells are not all that uncomfortable . He can have his cigars or whatever he smokes , under supervision , that is , when we 've got an extra person to supervise his smoking . Not good for him , anyways . " Sheriff Bradshaw smiled companionably at the two . At those words , Wilbur Johnson picked up his briefcase and told Donelli he would be back on Monday and left , nodding to the two young people who had just entered . Upon the entry of the two , Donelli stood and bowed to Arlissa . " Ah , the lovely Miss Hinton ! Or should I say , Miss O ' Hanlon ? You are rather in the same class as my little Benito , eh ? Too bad your father did not claim you as I want to claim my little one . " His eyes glittered with malice . Arlissa 's face flamed , then blanched . She stood toe to toe with Donelli and slapped his face . " Sheriff ! You saw that ! She assaulted me ! I want her arrested . Right now ! " happened to see the satchel carried by Billy as he placed it on the Sheriff 's desk . He recognized it as being his . It had disappeared with Rosie . It dawned upon him . His money ! Did Rosie put the rest of his stuff in the bag as well ? He had to get it ! deputy . . . bring the bag with you . We 're leaving right now . Anybody that follows gets a bullet between the eyes . I am an expert with guns ; I grew on second thought , here , Miss Smarty , put these on your boy friend , here . Don 't try anything , unless you want him blown away ! " He tossed handcuffs from Billy 's belt to Arlissa , all the while holding the gun on Billy . - haw ! Looks like we got some new jail - birds back here ! Hey , fella ! How 's about helping me outta here ? " He shouted at Donelli . shut up , kid ! You look like nothing but trouble , probably as dumb as a door - nail , or he wouldn 't have caught you . Nothing but a hick town here . " door . He had parked his car near the diner where he had met Savannah . He had beaten her up in the alleyway , trying to get more information about his son . laughed as he drove out of town , making plans to grab his son and soon be on his way to his home , eager to get back to his family 's lucrative business . He was due to take over from his old man . It was growing exponentially as more drugs were being created . Sheriff ! You here ? Billy ? Who 's minding the office ? " Shouted Mildred . " My little grandson is in town and wanted to see the jail ! Hello ? " of them needed to go out to the site of the wreck . Apparently , Bobby Joe was out there , working the wreck along with another trooper . They had tried to contact the Sheriff but he was in lock - up , so to speak . They didn 't know yet who was in the wreck ; apparently the car had exploded and burned the occupant beyond recognition . It was several minutes before anyone got to the car . It was down in Dead Man 's Hollow , and not easy to get to . " I 've the time that Sheriff Bradshaw got to Hinkle Road , several residents had gathered and were looking on . Among them were Zeb and his step - father , along with Les , Zeb 's younger brother . Mildred took her grandson and left the office , leaving Arlissa and Billy . " I 'm sorry about your car , ' Lissa . I 'll call my cousin right now , while we 're here and see if he can 't get out there sometime today . I know you 're anxious to have it . " Billy . I really appreciate your help . You and your family have been so very nice to me . I 'll never be able to repay y ' all . " don 't want you to feel that way , ' Lissa . You 're a fine person , just down on your luck a little bit . It could happen to anybody . Listen , do you think maybe I could take you out sometime ? " The Billy who 's always wanting a favor , I 'll just bet ! What is it this time ? You know I do have other people to do work for that pay me ! In fact , I gotta get a tow truck out to Hinkle Road at the curve . Some dang what I need done is out that way . A friend of mine needs a battery in her Chevy replaced . It 's a ' 59 . Out at the old Hinton farmhouse . Can you do that ? " Merry Christmas A very merry Christmas to all my readers ! May you have a blessed celebration of our Lord 's coming to deliver us from our iniquities . See you in a few days . Love , Ruby . Posted by Watching her with wonder , they saw her set the box in her lap and begin to open the lid . " She 's going to look inside that box ! She has some nerve ! That could be private stuff she 's looking at . We have to stop her , girls ! " This from diminutive Jan Hankins , whose husband was the manager of the local bank . Hetty looked up , guilty - faced , and quickly shut the half - opened lid . " Why . . . uh . . . uh . . . I just saw this layin ' on the floor and was gettin ' ready to put it into the dresser drawer . It 's pretty , isn 't it , with this flower cut into the top of it ? I was just admiring the way it looks . . . Wait ! You don 't think I 'd . . . no , no , the thought never entered my mind ! " She suspected they had her dead to rights , but she was going to deny it . Getting up from the bed side , she immediately put the box in the top drawer of the dresser . " Well , where is that paint , anyway ? What color was picked out for this room , girls ? " Is it okay if I come to visit a few minutes ? Zee told me that your Granny had another spell with her heart , and I just wanted to see how you were all doing . I just got off duty . How you doin ' , Ma ' am ? " " Oh , that 's Zeb 's nickname from when we were in police academy together . We all had them . Mine was Odie . " He smiled at her . " Please old lady just lay there looking in amazement at the young man . Was he asking for her granddaughter 's hand ? This was a first , at least for Granny . very careful , ma ' am , and good at my job . Right now I just want your approval to take her out and get to know her . I 'll be respectful to her , was meeting with his private detective who had found out where Rosie had disappeared to several days earlier , taking off with two of his possessions , his son and his money . He didn 't really want the son , but was going to get him back because he belonged to Donelli . He Hinton girl knows all about where they are ! I know she does ! I 'll get it out of her , one way or another ! The nosey Sheriff and his deputy kept " Alberto Donelli , at your service , lovely signorina ! " " Hmmm . Well , he is awfully busy . Just a moment and I 'll check with him to see if we could set up an appointment for you . " " Someone to see you , Mr . Wilbur ! I think he is in need of a lawyer . He looks rich , too ! " This last comment was a whispered one . Johnson quickly straightened his tie and put on his suit jacket which had been slung across the back of the easy chair near his desk , and sat up . He popped a mint into his mouth and fixed a smile on his face . " Wait about ten minutes and then send him in , darlin ' . " So saying , Donelli put down the lawyer as well as elevating his importance . ' Quite a trick ' , thought Johnson . ' I 'm going to have to watch myself around this fellow . He is slick . ' They sat silently while they lit up their cigars . Johnson leaned back in his chair and puffed , then slid an ash tray in Donelli 's direction . " That little gal out there has a regular fit if I drop ashes everywhere . Can 't afford to make her mad at me , you know . " " Oho ! No , no ! She does dust off the desk every once in awhile , though . " " Now , to change the subject , what can I do for you , Mr . Donelli ? I don 't think I 've seen you around here . " my son , Benito . His mother left me and brought him here with her from Philadelphia . Then she took her own life , or someone murdered her one , and now I can 't find him . I know where she brought him , but they won 't tell me where he is . I want him back . I love the boy . He is only two and Yes , I heard about that ; poor girl . Out of her mind with drugs , I heard . Had bruis . . . er ah . They buried her just this morning , right ? " " Yes , tragic . I want my boy back , Mr . Johnson . Can you help me ? Money is no object ! I must have him ! He is mine ! " now , just calm down , Mr . Donelli ! I 'm sure we can take them to court and make them hand him over . The law is most certainly on your side as the child 's father . Let 's talk this over a little more , okay ? I need some more particulars . " looked a bit uncomfortable , but continued smiling . He figured he could beat out any deputy for her affections . He hadn 't turned on his full charm for her yet . " Well , I guess I 'll be going , Ms . Hinton . I 'll be seeing you soon . Arlissa , I 'll see you in the morning . " He nodded to them both and left . Granny lay back satisfied . If she died any time soon , she wanted to see her granddaughter settled and happy . Just then , the nurse came in to check her vitals and to let them know that supper trays were on their way up . left Lawyer Johnson 's office feeling quite satisfied . With the information that he had given the shyster , he knew he could claim custody of his son and once again have control of the boy , raising him in the way it was necessary for the boy to one day take over the family business . Besides , nobody else was going to have what was rightfully his . had borne his son had stolen away from him . Alberto Donelli was going to find it , if it was the last thing he did ! He knew the key to locating it should be as easy as pie . He had certainly fooled Rosie ! These country hicks were so dumb , they would believe anything he told them ! Rubbing his hands together , he chuckled to himself . back , he remembered the first time he saw Rose O ' Hanlon . He was standing around on the street corner , waiting for an associate , when he saw her walking along , looking lost . Struck at once by her youth and beauty , he bumped into her , as if by accident . From then on , she was easy to win over . he remembered when she realized they were going to become parents . He had been so happy and excited . At first , she had been happy , too , She had become like a fishwife when he began paying innocent attention to a neighborhood girl who came in to help out Rosie . That was when he blew up and began to slap Rosie around a little . She shouldn 't have acted that way . After all , Rosie was his , wasn 't she ? He gave her everything she wanted ! She should have appreciated him more , then he wouldn 't have had to punish her . boy to family and friends . Rosie had changed , was never home . . . she loved the boy , but , somehow . seemed to be jealous of Alberto 's attention Granny 's room , they moved on into the living room . They sat down about ten minutes to rest and have a glass of cold iced tea . " I 'm sure glad you thought to bring that tea from the diner , Jan ! " Carla remarked to the banker 's wife . " Whew ! Yeah ! That painting is hard work ! I 'd rather work in the garden anytime ! " spoke up Betty Crowe , Harvey 's wife . mind ! Listen , ladies , it 's time to get back to work , ain 't it ? " Hetty stood up and picked up the roller she was using to paint with . " We gotta smiled and headed for what she thought was going to be fun , but when she got there , the box was gone . She blanched as she felt the blood draining from her face . Where was it ? What had happened to the box ? She was sure she had put it into the top drawer of the dresser ! ' Maybe I put it in the second drawer down ! ' she thought . Quietly , but frantically , she began pulling out the rest of the drawers . Gone ! It was gone ! She ran over to the closet and pulled open the door . Not there , either ! know one of them must have hidden it ! They guessed that I was interested in it and now I don 't know where it is ! But , I 'll come back out here , and I 'll find it ! I can take it for myself and the Hintons will just think that Douglas boy stole it . Yeah ! " Just then , the other women came into the room to look at the walls and to see how Hetty was reacting to the loss of the box . The ladies saw Hetty sitting on the bed , fanning herself furiously . " Why , what 's the matter , Hetty ? Did you get overheated doin ' all that painting ? Bless your heart , honey . You look a little flustered ! Listen , it 's about time to go home . Why don 't we get all this mess cleaned up so we can finish on Monday ? We oughta be able to get it done in one more day , with some of the fellas to help us . " Mrytle patted Hetty on the shoulders as she spoke to her . The other ladies smiled and nodded their assent to Myrtle 's plan . By this time , Hetty had regained her regal calm , and stood . " Say , " " Nonsense , I feel perfectly fine to drive back . It is my car after all ! " " If you 're sure , " replied Myrtle , hesitantly . " You are gettin ' up in years , after all . You bein ' the oldest in the group . " Johnson ! How can you look me in the eyes and say such a thing ! Everybody knows you have me beat by a full two and a half years ! No wonder your Wilbur flirts with everything in a skirt ! " stepped in then , and said , " Ladies ! Ladies ! This is not the time or place to get into such a discussion ! Remember , we are on a Mission of Mercy here ! And we are all friends , are we not ? " stood by and watched these ladies , and wondered how she had ever got involved with them . She had at first thought them to be so refined , but the longer she knew them , the more disillusioned she became . They were just like a lot of women she had known when she was growing up in a town about what the day might hold for her . This was the first time she would have been escorted to church by a fella . Oh , she 'd been in youth group with others on Sunday evenings , but never had been on a regular church date , where somebody had come by to take her . She jumped out of bed and ran to the closet where her few borrowed clothes were hanging . She picked out the pale blue one , with the ruffles just above the hem . They just seemed to float around her knees when she had the dress on . It made her feel like a princess . Putting not . . . Uh . . . I 'm sorry ! I should have come back sooner , I know . But I promise not to stay away so long again . Will you forgive me ? " Arlissa had decided to go along with the idea , because she was afraid she 'd upset the old lady . Apparently the old woman was harking back to childhood days , and Arlissa laughed pleasantly with her , as the old lady chuckled . " That was fun , wasn 't it ? Listen , I have to go now , but it has been good visiting with you . I 'll come again , okay ? " " Oh , yes , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to delay us . I have a kind of a date to church today , Sheriff . " " Really ? Well , that 's no great surprise , a girl as pretty as you should have somebody to take them everywhere they wanted to go . " Sarah was seated then , after pouring coffee for the three of them , and the Sheriff asked the blessing on their meal . Once they had begun to eat , Arlissa asked , " What ever happened to Savannah O ' Hanlon , Sheriff ? " I don 't know , Arlissa . She went off somewhere and nobody has seen her for several years , I reckon . At least , not as far as I know . " that morning , after Bobby Joe had stopped by , taking Arlissa with him , they walked into the little Hickston Methodist Church , and all heads turned in their direction . Eyebrows lifted , and the buzz began . It was just a little murmur , but anyone could see they had caused quite a stir . that new state trooper that 's been buzzin ' around on the county roads , givin ' out tickets like they was confetti , ' er some such thing . I 'll have you know , I jist tore them up like they was a losin ' lottery ticket ! Hmphh ! " " Oh , him ! Yeah , Mz . Hetty got one the other day . I heard her complainin ' to her friends about it . Right funny , it was ! " as though he would rather be napping in his office , and no doubt would be napping before the pastor finished his sermon . " Hmmm ? What ? Oh ! Oh , yeah , I guess . " Mz . Hetty was sitting in her pew , deep in thought about that box out on the farm , when Jan Hankins nudged her . " What ? What ? " " Look who just walked in . That good looking cop that gave you those speeding tickets did . Look who he 's got with him . " No one observed the young man who came in last and sat in the very back pew . Slowly the buzzing came to a stop and the pastor got up to pray . The meeting had begun . the Choirmaster . Of David , the servant of the LORD . Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart ; there is no fear of God before his eyes . For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated . The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit ; he has ceased to act wisely and do good . " problem is , they are idle words , that though spoken in jest , can be carried to others and misquoted , changing meaning , and become outright lies . Gossip is never harmless . Once a word is spoken , it cannot be called back into nonexistence . Take for instance , the arrow which leaves the bow , when it reaches its target , it pierces whatever it hits . It cannot be unshot , once it leaves . So are words . You 've the adulterer may keep it secret all his life , but God knows what they are , and what they do . He then goes on to say that all sins will be revealed by Christ on the Day of Judgment . I pray that our congregation will take to heart what our Lord tells us about speaking ill of our neighbors , carrying gossip and harming lives . Remember that when we speak ill of others , we often take what is not ours to take . We need to always do good . When we take someone 's reputation , we are robbing them . Taking what we do not own is thievery . We know that taking anything that is not ours is wrong . If pastor then led the congregation in prayer , after which the young man who led the music got up and announced the hymn , " Have Thine Own Way , Lord " . The congregation stood to their feet and sang . The How about Hetty ? Had she been listening , really hearing what the pastor preached about ? And Alberto Donelli , what about his hearing and reception of the message ? sermon , Preacher ! I 'm sure everyone enjoyed it as much as I did , " remarked Hetty McReynolds . " I 've always loved the Psalms . They bring so much comfort to me ! " He knew at once that she had not heard a word he said , or that she felt it didn 't apply to her . " Thank you , Miss Hetty ! I always appreciate a kind word ! " he answered , tongue - in - cheek . just looked at the pastor and shook his head , understanding clearly what had just taken place . He knew his wife was the town 's worst talebearer , but he also knew she had a kindness in her at most times . That was her saving grace as far as he was concerned . moved from another state to their little town . In fact , they had grown up next door to one another . Pastor Willetts shook Arlissa 's hand as she exited with the young state trooper . " How 's your granny doing ? I 've been meaning to get over to see her , but I 've been out of town for a few days . I promise I 'll be over one day this week . Who 's your young man ? " Arlissa blushed at his last remark , and looked up at Bobby Joe . " I 'm Bobby Joe Odom , Preacher . Glad to meet , you , sir , " he stated , shaking the pastor 's hand . " That was a right good sermon . " " Thank you , son . I 'm afraid it may have fallen on some deaf ears , but I reckon I have to keep trying . " He smiled . " Yes , sir . See you , sir . " was quite a procession of cars making its way out to the old O ' Hanlon farm . The Tunstalls in their truck , Zeb and Angela , Marie and Les in Zeb 's car , followed by Bobby Joe and Arlissa . Nobody noticed the rental car following at a distance , because they were all deep in conversation . " Bobby Joe , you may not know it , but I 've been trying to find out who my pa was . Nobody seems to know , or if they do , they 're not sayin ' anything about who it was . I 've always wondered about him . I think my Granny knows but she won 't let on . I 'm thinkin ' I must be some kin to the O ' Hanlons , but if I even bring up anything , Mrs . Tunstall jist looks daggers at me . " it 's a fact I can 't deny that my Mama and Daddy wasn 't married . She died when I was born or the day after , anyways . It makes me feel kinda ashamed , you know . " you 're not responsible for your birth situation . There 's nothing for you to be ashamed of . Your Granny 's done a fine job of bringing you up , too . " He smiled down at her , taking his eyes from the road momentarily . He hit a bump in the road and a tire blew . " Whoa ! What in the world . . . ? " He drove on for a few hundred feet and realized the car was pulling to one side . He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car . " Uh . Oh . Looks like a flat . This is gonna take a few minutes . Just sit where you are . I 'll soon have it fixed . " He removed his coat and threw it into the front seat . Going to the trunk , he removed the jack , lug wrench and the spare tire . It only took him a few minutes to change the tire and replace the flat one into the trunk . As he was changing the tire , he heard a vehicle approaching from behind . He glanced up from the right rear tire that he was changing and saw it go past them . The driver didn 't even glance their way , but was intent on yeah . He 's bent on causing trouble , too , from what I can tell . Wonder what he 's doing heading out this way ? Most likely trying to find the boy . Do you know where the boy is ? " " I reckon maybe the Tunstalls have him . I don 't know . I haven 't seen him since I was out there for the supper a few nights ago . " I don 't want no more trouble for them . They 've been through a lot . Listen , I want to ask a favor of you after while . I 'd like you to take me somewhere after dinner , if you have time . " sorry , Mz . Tunstall ! He was out the door when he heard the car doors slamming . I was busy stirring one of the kettles on the stove , to keep it from scorching . Out he went , before I could grab him . " " Gwamma ! Gwampa ! You home ! Ah . . . " He looked up then to see Donelli rushing toward him . Jake Tunstall grabbed the boy before Donelli had a chance to get to him . Benny began whimpering and hiding his face in his grandpa 's shirt . Just then , the Sheriff 's car entered the group of cars parked there . They all turned at his arrival and watched as he walked toward them . " Folks , Surely , Signor Sheriff , you are making a mistake ! Who says I beat this woman you named ? I don 't even know who you are talking about ! " " Don 't play the fool with me , Donelli ! I have witnesses and her testimony ! " " She 's lying ! They 're lying ! It 's all what you call trumped up ! I want to call my lawyer ! " always spoke these words to him when he left for his job , knowing of the possibility of his not returning because of the dangers it held . He kissed his fingers and touched them to her lips as always . He left with the Sheriff and Donelli , following them in his car . " Well , let 's go on in and see about having dinner , shall we ? " announced Tunstall to the group . It was a quiet assembly that entered the farmhouse , all taken aback by the turn of events . Bobby Joe was itching to be in town with those who had left , but knew his place right now was at the farm . He remembered the request that Arlissa had made of him earlier , and wondered what it was . Dinner Benny was taken into the bedroom for his afternoon nap , Arlissa mentioned that the Sheriff 's wife , who was in the latter stages of dementia , mistook her for the woman who was just beaten up , Savannah O ' Hanlon . " Isn 't that strange ? Just because of the red hair , I guess . " a minute , I have something I want to show to you . I ran across it yesterday when I was going through an old trunk , looking for something else . My former mother - in - law , Martha O ' Hanlon , had it . It is really uncanny . " then opened the old photograph album . She began flipping through the pages of old pictures , obviously taken with a little Brownie camera . Some were small , some were enlarged . " Here , this is a picture of Savannah O ' Hanlon . You can see what a beauty she was . Both you and Rosie have her coloring . Here is a picture of Rosie when she was just a couple of days old . Seamus is holding her , his dad was taking the picture . " " I don 't understand . . . why are you showing me this album ? What does it have to do with me ? What are you telling me , anyway ? " a long story , but he was down here visiting his parents before going back from his furlough . He had been home with me in Pennsylvania for a few days , and wanted to see them before going back . It just so happened that you and Rose were born while he was here . " my Granny know about Rose ? How did he get Rose back to Pennsylvania ? " Tears were rolling down Arlissa 's face as she listened to the story Helen was relating to her . you see , it 's like this . Your mother and Savannah were really good friends , rather like you and Rose became after we moved here . I realized when we came here , that if you still lived in the vicinity , it was a possibility that the two of you would become friends . I really had no choice in the matter . That is a story for another time . " at least he told me that he was unaware of it . He and your Ma were going together and he was beginning to drink . He had grown up watching his father come home from town where he was on the Town Council , drunk after stopping off at the bar in town . His father was abusive when he drank . He would come home and beat Martha Jane and the kids . " my husband , your father , had several arguments with your Ma , Eleanor , about his drinking . Savannah told Seamus that Eleanor had been going to tell him about expecting a baby on the evening that they had their biggest argument and he actually hit her . She told him to leave and never come back . " on furlough visiting his parents before going back to base . I met him when he finished his basic training and was assigned to a base . We got married and the first I knew of Rose was when he came back from visiting Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !
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" He explained to me that she was his child and the product of a romance that he had before he went into the army . They broke up and then when he went home on furlough , he heard she was having his baby . He said he didn 't believe it at first , that they had only ' gotten together ' one time . He discounted the fact that it could be his . " " Apparently not . However , when Savannah brought Rose to him , and he saw her red hair , he knew she could only be his . When they brought her to me , he said that the mother didn 't want the baby , and he couldn 't bear the thought of another man raising his child . So she became my little Martha Rose . He named her after his mother , Martha Jane . We called her Rose because of her pink skin and the little mouth that was shaped like a rosebud . I loved her like she had been born from my body . " " I 'm afraid you 'll have to find out from her . I don 't know the answers to those questions . What I 'm telling you is all that I know . I didn 't know until I moved here as a widow anything about you . Even then , I had no clue that the two of you could possibly be sisters . Cousins , maybe , since Seamus had brothers and sisters , but certainly not sisters . " When both of them came out of the kitchen into the living room , there was an almost audible sigh of relief from those waiting . " Bobby Joe , could you please run me by my house before I go to the hospital to visit my Granny ? I 'd kind of like to see what it looks like now . " Upon arrival at the house , Arlissa noticed the Cadillac parked in the yard near the back door . " Surely , they 're not working out here today , on a Sunday ! Granny would be that upset if she knew they were . " They a minute ! Something seems off about this , " whispered Bobby Joe . " You can 't just rush in like you 're doing . Somebody could be laying in wait for you , after all the trouble you 've had . " Hetty ! What are you up to ? What are you doin ' with Granny 's rosewood box ? Nobody bothers that ! It 's her personal stuff ! How dare you ? ! ! " uh , uh . . . I came out to check on the paint , to see how the walls looked after it dried , and found this on the floor . Somebody must 've come in and pilfered through your things , while nobody was here to protect it . The box was on the bed and the paper had most likely fallen out of it , I " Well , there is still a lot to do , and we 'll be back tomorrow afternoon , my dear . I must be going , dear children ! " She stopped and looked at Arlissa a moment . " I noticed you are carrying about an album like we used to keep pictures in a long time ago ! " " Yes , it is . Thank you for all you have done for me , Miss Hetty , you and the other ladies . Maybe I 'll see you tomorrow . " Arlissa and Bobby Joe looked questioningly at one another , then laughed . " Do you think she was really out here to check on the paint ? " Bobby asked . " You 're not thinking about asking her anything about your past , are you ? How could you even believe what she would tell you ? " " Well , I never thought about it before . . . " out the rest , they make it up . You could never be sure if what she would tell you would be the whole truth . What about the paper that she was getting ready to look at in that box ? It must be something important don 't think she had seen it ; I don 't even know what is on it . It belongs to Granny and I 'd never look at it . We respect each others ' private stuff . " can do that on my way to the hospital , if you don 't mind . I know it 'll be safe there ! Whatever it 's got in it , I want Granny to know it 's still course , er ah , ' Lissa . That is a good idea about taking it with you . Might as well remove the temptation from that woman 's hands and eyes . " an afterthought , she decided to take the album to the hospital and share the pictures and story with her granny . Maybe she could get more information from that source . Bobby seen her young charge with the prospects of a good marriage , she could stop worrying about what would happen if she passed away . When he left , Arlissa went out into the hallway with him for a few minutes . Returning to the room , she saw Granny lying there smiling and said , " What ? " have something to show you and to tell you . I have some pictures here that I want you to see . Then I have a story to tell you . In fact , I have if I guessed , then you wouldn 't be telling me , would you ? That 's okay , Granny . I think we both know the answer to that . Another question , though . " " But , he 's been gone a long time . You could have told me . I could have had Rose as a sister all this time . " Arlissa cried out , with an ache in her heart . " All this time . . . all this time . " lovingly at her . " You was between the devil and the deep blue sea , tryin ' to keep that promise , I know . But you should have trusted me enough to tell me ! I 'll forgive you , but I 'm hopin ' we 've both learned somethin ' from this whole thing . " not been used for some time , and the battery refused to respond to the key . " I should ' a known it would be dead again . It needed to be replaced some time ago , but I haven 't had the money to do it . " shop and he 's always gettin ' in cars that 's gotta be junked . I 'll pick it up later today when I get offa the job . Okay ? " he owes me some favors , so he won 't charge me anything for it . We 're cousins , after all . His ma and mine are sisters and his ma would climb his frame if he refused . Don 't worry , you 'll have it by tomorrow and installed , to boot . " could , but I 've taken this walk many times in the past and have never been in any danger at all . Con is in jail , and I don 't know of anybody else that would want to hurt me . It is kinda private , too . " felt uneasy about letting her go , but she was a grown woman and seemed to know what she was talking about . He couldn 't push himself on going with her if she didn 't want it , could he ? Arlissa strolled along , listening to the birds singing , and realized how very good she felt to be alive . Things had been difficult over the past several weeks , but she had hopes for troubles to lift in the near future . Her object in taking the walk was to see the tree where she and Rosie used to meet and sit under , talking about what they were going to do in the future . They had spent a lot of time in those teenage years sitting there . She was wondering why Rosie had mentioned the tree in the note she left for her . the tree . It was their own way of keeping up with one another . They were not allowed to tie up the telephone , especially since it was a party line phone . The old oak was huge and gnarled with age . Ah , there it was ! Arlissa laughed and ran to the tree , then jokingly stuck her hand into the large hole . Wait ! There was something in it ! Her fingers had hit something that felt like fabric of some kind . Carefully , she pulled a canvas travel bag from the tree 's cavity . " What in the world ? What is this ? Where did it come from ? " She looked around carefully . . . then unzipped the bag . It was full of money , stacked and banded with rubber bands . Hundred dollar bills ! Where did it come from ? How did it get in here ? What should I do with it ? of that money . Who does it belong to ? Could Rosie have left it there ? Where would she have gotten it ? Why wouldn 't she have just told me she had it if it was hers ? " take it to the Sheriff ! If it is illegal money like I think it is , I don 't want it unless he thinks I should keep it . I reckon maybe Rosie was thinking that I could use it to take care of Benny and see he had what he needed . She knew me and Granny don 't have much in the way of money . " a safer place before unrolling it . After all , it had waited this long . An hour or so longer wouldn 't make any difference , she reckoned . " Well , ain 't you the curious one ! " she laughed . " I got it at the gettin ' place ! " Apparently she had decided to keep that information to herself . " I need to take it to the Sheriff , though . I think it 's time he sees it . " Billy " I was only joking ! I trust you , Billy . I will show you what is in the bag as soon as we 're in the car . " Picking up one of the bundles , he looked at the bank wrapper on it and read . " Fourth National Bank of Pennsylvania is where these wrappers came from . " " Say , the O ' Hanlons came from Pennsylvania about eleven or twelve years ago . That 's when I first met them . They had just come from there and their Grandma died . " listen , we 'd best get this to the Sheriff , then . He 'll know what to do with it . He 's in his office right now , dealing with that foreign fella that beat up a woman . " Wilbur , you know he doesn 't hold any kind of court until a week - day . It 's not going to kill your client to stay in jail another few hours . He 'll eat good while he 's in here and our cells are not all that uncomfortable . He can have his cigars or whatever he smokes , under supervision , that is , when we 've got an extra person to supervise his smoking . Not good for him , anyways . " Sheriff Bradshaw smiled companionably at the two . At those words , Wilbur Johnson picked up his briefcase and told Donelli he would be back on Monday and left , nodding to the two young people who had just entered . Upon the entry of the two , Donelli stood and bowed to Arlissa . " Ah , the lovely Miss Hinton ! Or should I say , Miss O ' Hanlon ? You are rather in the same class as my little Benito , eh ? Too bad your father did not claim you as I want to claim my little one . " His eyes glittered with malice . Arlissa 's face flamed , then blanched . She stood toe to toe with Donelli and slapped his face . " Sheriff ! You saw that ! She assaulted me ! I want her arrested . Right now ! " happened to see the satchel carried by Billy as he placed it on the Sheriff 's desk . He recognized it as being his . It had disappeared with Rosie . It dawned upon him . His money ! Did Rosie put the rest of his stuff in the bag as well ? He had to get it ! deputy . . . bring the bag with you . We 're leaving right now . Anybody that follows gets a bullet between the eyes . I am an expert with guns ; I grew on second thought , here , Miss Smarty , put these on your boy friend , here . Don 't try anything , unless you want him blown away ! " He tossed handcuffs from Billy 's belt to Arlissa , all the while holding the gun on Billy . - haw ! Looks like we got some new jail - birds back here ! Hey , fella ! How 's about helping me outta here ? " He shouted at Donelli . shut up , kid ! You look like nothing but trouble , probably as dumb as a door - nail , or he wouldn 't have caught you . Nothing but a hick town here . " door . He had parked his car near the diner where he had met Savannah . He had beaten her up in the alleyway , trying to get more information about his son . laughed as he drove out of town , making plans to grab his son and soon be on his way to his home , eager to get back to his family 's lucrative business . He was due to take over from his old man . It was growing exponentially as more drugs were being created . Sheriff ! You here ? Billy ? Who 's minding the office ? " Shouted Mildred . " My little grandson is in town and wanted to see the jail ! Hello ? " of them needed to go out to the site of the wreck . Apparently , Bobby Joe was out there , working the wreck along with another trooper . They had tried to contact the Sheriff but he was in lock - up , so to speak . They didn 't know yet who was in the wreck ; apparently the car had exploded and burned the occupant beyond recognition . It was several minutes before anyone got to the car . It was down in Dead Man 's Hollow , and not easy to get to . " I 've the time that Sheriff Bradshaw got to Hinkle Road , several residents had gathered and were looking on . Among them were Zeb and his step - father , along with Les , Zeb 's younger brother . Mildred took her grandson and left the office , leaving Arlissa and Billy . " I 'm sorry about your car , ' Lissa . I 'll call my cousin right now , while we 're here and see if he can 't get out there sometime today . I know you 're anxious to have it . " Billy . I really appreciate your help . You and your family have been so very nice to me . I 'll never be able to repay y ' all . " don 't want you to feel that way , ' Lissa . You 're a fine person , just down on your luck a little bit . It could happen to anybody . Listen , do you think maybe I could take you out sometime ? " The Billy who 's always wanting a favor , I 'll just bet ! What is it this time ? You know I do have other people to do work for that pay me ! In fact , I gotta get a tow truck out to Hinkle Road at the curve . Some dang what I need done is out that way . A friend of mine needs a battery in her Chevy replaced . It 's a ' 59 . Out at the old Hinton farmhouse . Can you do that ? " Merry Christmas A very merry Christmas to all my readers ! May you have a blessed celebration of our Lord 's coming to deliver us from our iniquities . See you in a few days . Love , Ruby . Posted by Watching her with wonder , they saw her set the box in her lap and begin to open the lid . " She 's going to look inside that box ! She has some nerve ! That could be private stuff she 's looking at . We have to stop her , girls ! " This from diminutive Jan Hankins , whose husband was the manager of the local bank . Hetty looked up , guilty - faced , and quickly shut the half - opened lid . " Why . . . uh . . . uh . . . I just saw this layin ' on the floor and was gettin ' ready to put it into the dresser drawer . It 's pretty , isn 't it , with this flower cut into the top of it ? I was just admiring the way it looks . . . Wait ! You don 't think I 'd . . . no , no , the thought never entered my mind ! " She suspected they had her dead to rights , but she was going to deny it . Getting up from the bed side , she immediately put the box in the top drawer of the dresser . " Well , where is that paint , anyway ? What color was picked out for this room , girls ? " Is it okay if I come to visit a few minutes ? Zee told me that your Granny had another spell with her heart , and I just wanted to see how you were all doing . I just got off duty . How you doin ' , Ma ' am ? " " Oh , that 's Zeb 's nickname from when we were in police academy together . We all had them . Mine was Odie . " He smiled at her . " Please old lady just lay there looking in amazement at the young man . Was he asking for her granddaughter 's hand ? This was a first , at least for Granny . very careful , ma ' am , and good at my job . Right now I just want your approval to take her out and get to know her . I 'll be respectful to her , was meeting with his private detective who had found out where Rosie had disappeared to several days earlier , taking off with two of his possessions , his son and his money . He didn 't really want the son , but was going to get him back because he belonged to Donelli . He Hinton girl knows all about where they are ! I know she does ! I 'll get it out of her , one way or another ! The nosey Sheriff and his deputy kept " Alberto Donelli , at your service , lovely signorina ! " " Hmmm . Well , he is awfully busy . Just a moment and I 'll check with him to see if we could set up an appointment for you . " " Someone to see you , Mr . Wilbur ! I think he is in need of a lawyer . He looks rich , too ! " This last comment was a whispered one . Johnson quickly straightened his tie and put on his suit jacket which had been slung across the back of the easy chair near his desk , and sat up . He popped a mint into his mouth and fixed a smile on his face . " Wait about ten minutes and then send him in , darlin ' . " So saying , Donelli put down the lawyer as well as elevating his importance . ' Quite a trick ' , thought Johnson . ' I 'm going to have to watch myself around this fellow . He is slick . ' They sat silently while they lit up their cigars . Johnson leaned back in his chair and puffed , then slid an ash tray in Donelli 's direction . " That little gal out there has a regular fit if I drop ashes everywhere . Can 't afford to make her mad at me , you know . " " Oho ! No , no ! She does dust off the desk every once in awhile , though . " " Now , to change the subject , what can I do for you , Mr . Donelli ? I don 't think I 've seen you around here . " my son , Benito . His mother left me and brought him here with her from Philadelphia . Then she took her own life , or someone murdered her one , and now I can 't find him . I know where she brought him , but they won 't tell me where he is . I want him back . I love the boy . He is only two and Yes , I heard about that ; poor girl . Out of her mind with drugs , I heard . Had bruis . . . er ah . They buried her just this morning , right ? " " Yes , tragic . I want my boy back , Mr . Johnson . Can you help me ? Money is no object ! I must have him ! He is mine ! " now , just calm down , Mr . Donelli ! I 'm sure we can take them to court and make them hand him over . The law is most certainly on your side as the child 's father . Let 's talk this over a little more , okay ? I need some more particulars . " looked a bit uncomfortable , but continued smiling . He figured he could beat out any deputy for her affections . He hadn 't turned on his full charm for her yet . " Well , I guess I 'll be going , Ms . Hinton . I 'll be seeing you soon . Arlissa , I 'll see you in the morning . " He nodded to them both and left . Granny lay back satisfied . If she died any time soon , she wanted to see her granddaughter settled and happy . Just then , the nurse came in to check her vitals and to let them know that supper trays were on their way up . left Lawyer Johnson 's office feeling quite satisfied . With the information that he had given the shyster , he knew he could claim custody of his son and once again have control of the boy , raising him in the way it was necessary for the boy to one day take over the family business . Besides , nobody else was going to have what was rightfully his . had borne his son had stolen away from him . Alberto Donelli was going to find it , if it was the last thing he did ! He knew the key to locating it should be as easy as pie . He had certainly fooled Rosie ! These country hicks were so dumb , they would believe anything he told them ! Rubbing his hands together , he chuckled to himself . back , he remembered the first time he saw Rose O ' Hanlon . He was standing around on the street corner , waiting for an associate , when he saw her walking along , looking lost . Struck at once by her youth and beauty , he bumped into her , as if by accident . From then on , she was easy to win over . he remembered when she realized they were going to become parents . He had been so happy and excited . At first , she had been happy , too , She had become like a fishwife when he began paying innocent attention to a neighborhood girl who came in to help out Rosie . That was when he blew up and began to slap Rosie around a little . She shouldn 't have acted that way . After all , Rosie was his , wasn 't she ? He gave her everything she wanted ! She should have appreciated him more , then he wouldn 't have had to punish her . boy to family and friends . Rosie had changed , was never home . . . she loved the boy , but , somehow . seemed to be jealous of Alberto 's attention Granny 's room , they moved on into the living room . They sat down about ten minutes to rest and have a glass of cold iced tea . " I 'm sure glad you thought to bring that tea from the diner , Jan ! " Carla remarked to the banker 's wife . " Whew ! Yeah ! That painting is hard work ! I 'd rather work in the garden anytime ! " spoke up Betty Crowe , Harvey 's wife . mind ! Listen , ladies , it 's time to get back to work , ain 't it ? " Hetty stood up and picked up the roller she was using to paint with . " We gotta smiled and headed for what she thought was going to be fun , but when she got there , the box was gone . She blanched as she felt the blood draining from her face . Where was it ? What had happened to the box ? She was sure she had put it into the top drawer of the dresser ! ' Maybe I put it in the second drawer down ! ' she thought . Quietly , but frantically , she began pulling out the rest of the drawers . Gone ! It was gone ! She ran over to the closet and pulled open the door . Not there , either ! know one of them must have hidden it ! They guessed that I was interested in it and now I don 't know where it is ! But , I 'll come back out here , and I 'll find it ! I can take it for myself and the Hintons will just think that Douglas boy stole it . Yeah ! " Just then , the other women came into the room to look at the walls and to see how Hetty was reacting to the loss of the box . The ladies saw Hetty sitting on the bed , fanning herself furiously . " Why , what 's the matter , Hetty ? Did you get overheated doin ' all that painting ? Bless your heart , honey . You look a little flustered ! Listen , it 's about time to go home . Why don 't we get all this mess cleaned up so we can finish on Monday ? We oughta be able to get it done in one more day , with some of the fellas to help us . " Mrytle patted Hetty on the shoulders as she spoke to her . The other ladies smiled and nodded their assent to Myrtle 's plan . By this time , Hetty had regained her regal calm , and stood . " Say , " " Nonsense , I feel perfectly fine to drive back . It is my car after all ! " " If you 're sure , " replied Myrtle , hesitantly . " You are gettin ' up in years , after all . You bein ' the oldest in the group . " Johnson ! How can you look me in the eyes and say such a thing ! Everybody knows you have me beat by a full two and a half years ! No wonder your Wilbur flirts with everything in a skirt ! " stepped in then , and said , " Ladies ! Ladies ! This is not the time or place to get into such a discussion ! Remember , we are on a Mission of Mercy here ! And we are all friends , are we not ? " stood by and watched these ladies , and wondered how she had ever got involved with them . She had at first thought them to be so refined , but the longer she knew them , the more disillusioned she became . They were just like a lot of women she had known when she was growing up in a town about what the day might hold for her . This was the first time she would have been escorted to church by a fella . Oh , she 'd been in youth group with others on Sunday evenings , but never had been on a regular church date , where somebody had come by to take her . She jumped out of bed and ran to the closet where her few borrowed clothes were hanging . She picked out the pale blue one , with the ruffles just above the hem . They just seemed to float around her knees when she had the dress on . It made her feel like a princess . Putting not . . . Uh . . . I 'm sorry ! I should have come back sooner , I know . But I promise not to stay away so long again . Will you forgive me ? " Arlissa had decided to go along with the idea , because she was afraid she 'd upset the old lady . Apparently the old woman was harking back to childhood days , and Arlissa laughed pleasantly with her , as the old lady chuckled . " That was fun , wasn 't it ? Listen , I have to go now , but it has been good visiting with you . I 'll come again , okay ? " " Oh , yes , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to delay us . I have a kind of a date to church today , Sheriff . " " Really ? Well , that 's no great surprise , a girl as pretty as you should have somebody to take them everywhere they wanted to go . " Sarah was seated then , after pouring coffee for the three of them , and the Sheriff asked the blessing on their meal . Once they had begun to eat , Arlissa asked , " What ever happened to Savannah O ' Hanlon , Sheriff ? " I don 't know , Arlissa . She went off somewhere and nobody has seen her for several years , I reckon . At least , not as far as I know . " that morning , after Bobby Joe had stopped by , taking Arlissa with him , they walked into the little Hickston Methodist Church , and all heads turned in their direction . Eyebrows lifted , and the buzz began . It was just a little murmur , but anyone could see they had caused quite a stir . that new state trooper that 's been buzzin ' around on the county roads , givin ' out tickets like they was confetti , ' er some such thing . I 'll have you know , I jist tore them up like they was a losin ' lottery ticket ! Hmphh ! " " Oh , him ! Yeah , Mz . Hetty got one the other day . I heard her complainin ' to her friends about it . Right funny , it was ! " as though he would rather be napping in his office , and no doubt would be napping before the pastor finished his sermon . " Hmmm ? What ? Oh ! Oh , yeah , I guess . " Mz . Hetty was sitting in her pew , deep in thought about that box out on the farm , when Jan Hankins nudged her . " What ? What ? " " Look who just walked in . That good looking cop that gave you those speeding tickets did . Look who he 's got with him . " No one observed the young man who came in last and sat in the very back pew . Slowly the buzzing came to a stop and the pastor got up to pray . The meeting had begun . the Choirmaster . Of David , the servant of the LORD . Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart ; there is no fear of God before his eyes . For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated . The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit ; he has ceased to act wisely and do good . " problem is , they are idle words , that though spoken in jest , can be carried to others and misquoted , changing meaning , and become outright lies . Gossip is never harmless . Once a word is spoken , it cannot be called back into nonexistence . Take for instance , the arrow which leaves the bow , when it reaches its target , it pierces whatever it hits . It cannot be unshot , once it leaves . So are words . You 've the adulterer may keep it secret all his life , but God knows what they are , and what they do . He then goes on to say that all sins will be revealed by Christ on the Day of Judgment . I pray that our congregation will take to heart what our Lord tells us about speaking ill of our neighbors , carrying gossip and harming lives . Remember that when we speak ill of others , we often take what is not ours to take . We need to always do good . When we take someone 's reputation , we are robbing them . Taking what we do not own is thievery . We know that taking anything that is not ours is wrong . If pastor then led the congregation in prayer , after which the young man who led the music got up and announced the hymn , " Have Thine Own Way , Lord " . The congregation stood to their feet and sang . The How about Hetty ? Had she been listening , really hearing what the pastor preached about ? And Alberto Donelli , what about his hearing and reception of the message ? sermon , Preacher ! I 'm sure everyone enjoyed it as much as I did , " remarked Hetty McReynolds . " I 've always loved the Psalms . They bring so much comfort to me ! " He knew at once that she had not heard a word he said , or that she felt it didn 't apply to her . " Thank you , Miss Hetty ! I always appreciate a kind word ! " he answered , tongue - in - cheek . just looked at the pastor and shook his head , understanding clearly what had just taken place . He knew his wife was the town 's worst talebearer , but he also knew she had a kindness in her at most times . That was her saving grace as far as he was concerned . moved from another state to their little town . In fact , they had grown up next door to one another . Pastor Willetts shook Arlissa 's hand as she exited with the young state trooper . " How 's your granny doing ? I 've been meaning to get over to see her , but I 've been out of town for a few days . I promise I 'll be over one day this week . Who 's your young man ? " Arlissa blushed at his last remark , and looked up at Bobby Joe . " I 'm Bobby Joe Odom , Preacher . Glad to meet , you , sir , " he stated , shaking the pastor 's hand . " That was a right good sermon . " " Thank you , son . I 'm afraid it may have fallen on some deaf ears , but I reckon I have to keep trying . " He smiled . " Yes , sir . See you , sir . " was quite a procession of cars making its way out to the old O ' Hanlon farm . The Tunstalls in their truck , Zeb and Angela , Marie and Les in Zeb 's car , followed by Bobby Joe and Arlissa . Nobody noticed the rental car following at a distance , because they were all deep in conversation . " Bobby Joe , you may not know it , but I 've been trying to find out who my pa was . Nobody seems to know , or if they do , they 're not sayin ' anything about who it was . I 've always wondered about him . I think my Granny knows but she won 't let on . I 'm thinkin ' I must be some kin to the O ' Hanlons , but if I even bring up anything , Mrs . Tunstall jist looks daggers at me . " it 's a fact I can 't deny that my Mama and Daddy wasn 't married . She died when I was born or the day after , anyways . It makes me feel kinda ashamed , you know . " you 're not responsible for your birth situation . There 's nothing for you to be ashamed of . Your Granny 's done a fine job of bringing you up , too . " He smiled down at her , taking his eyes from the road momentarily . He hit a bump in the road and a tire blew . " Whoa ! What in the world . . . ? " He drove on for a few hundred feet and realized the car was pulling to one side . He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car . " Uh . Oh . Looks like a flat . This is gonna take a few minutes . Just sit where you are . I 'll soon have it fixed . " He removed his coat and threw it into the front seat . Going to the trunk , he removed the jack , lug wrench and the spare tire . It only took him a few minutes to change the tire and replace the flat one into the trunk . As he was changing the tire , he heard a vehicle approaching from behind . He glanced up from the right rear tire that he was changing and saw it go past them . The driver didn 't even glance their way , but was intent on yeah . He 's bent on causing trouble , too , from what I can tell . Wonder what he 's doing heading out this way ? Most likely trying to find the boy . Do you know where the boy is ? " " I reckon maybe the Tunstalls have him . I don 't know . I haven 't seen him since I was out there for the supper a few nights ago . " I don 't want no more trouble for them . They 've been through a lot . Listen , I want to ask a favor of you after while . I 'd like you to take me somewhere after dinner , if you have time . " sorry , Mz . Tunstall ! He was out the door when he heard the car doors slamming . I was busy stirring one of the kettles on the stove , to keep it from scorching . Out he went , before I could grab him . " " Gwamma ! Gwampa ! You home ! Ah . . . " He looked up then to see Donelli rushing toward him . Jake Tunstall grabbed the boy before Donelli had a chance to get to him . Benny began whimpering and hiding his face in his grandpa 's shirt . Just then , the Sheriff 's car entered the group of cars parked there . They all turned at his arrival and watched as he walked toward them . " Folks , Surely , Signor Sheriff , you are making a mistake ! Who says I beat this woman you named ? I don 't even know who you are talking about ! " " Don 't play the fool with me , Donelli ! I have witnesses and her testimony ! " " She 's lying ! They 're lying ! It 's all what you call trumped up ! I want to call my lawyer ! " always spoke these words to him when he left for his job , knowing of the possibility of his not returning because of the dangers it held . He kissed his fingers and touched them to her lips as always . He left with the Sheriff and Donelli , following them in his car . " Well , let 's go on in and see about having dinner , shall we ? " announced Tunstall to the group . It was a quiet assembly that entered the farmhouse , all taken aback by the turn of events . Bobby Joe was itching to be in town with those who had left , but knew his place right now was at the farm . He remembered the request that Arlissa had made of him earlier , and wondered what it was . Dinner Benny was taken into the bedroom for his afternoon nap , Arlissa mentioned that the Sheriff 's wife , who was in the latter stages of dementia , mistook her for the woman who was just beaten up , Savannah O ' Hanlon . " Isn 't that strange ? Just because of the red hair , I guess . " a minute , I have something I want to show to you . I ran across it yesterday when I was going through an old trunk , looking for something else . My former mother - in - law , Martha O ' Hanlon , had it . It is really uncanny . " then opened the old photograph album . She began flipping through the pages of old pictures , obviously taken with a little Brownie camera . Some were small , some were enlarged . " Here , this is a picture of Savannah O ' Hanlon . You can see what a beauty she was . Both you and Rosie have her coloring . Here is a picture of Rosie when she was just a couple of days old . Seamus is holding her , his dad was taking the picture . " " I don 't understand . . . why are you showing me this album ? What does it have to do with me ? What are you telling me , anyway ? " a long story , but he was down here visiting his parents before going back from his furlough . He had been home with me in Pennsylvania for a few days , and wanted to see them before going back . It just so happened that you and Rose were born while he was here . " my Granny know about Rose ? How did he get Rose back to Pennsylvania ? " Tears were rolling down Arlissa 's face as she listened to the story Helen was relating to her . you see , it 's like this . Your mother and Savannah were really good friends , rather like you and Rose became after we moved here . I realized when we came here , that if you still lived in the vicinity , it was a possibility that the two of you would become friends . I really had no choice in the matter . That is a story for another time . " at least he told me that he was unaware of it . He and your Ma were going together and he was beginning to drink . He had grown up watching his father come home from town where he was on the Town Council , drunk after stopping off at the bar in town . His father was abusive when he drank . He would come home and beat Martha Jane and the kids . " my husband , your father , had several arguments with your Ma , Eleanor , about his drinking . Savannah told Seamus that Eleanor had been going to tell him about expecting a baby on the evening that they had their biggest argument and he actually hit her . She told him to leave and never come back . " on furlough visiting his parents before going back to base . I met him when he finished his basic training and was assigned to a base . We got married and the first I knew of Rose was when he came back from visiting Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !
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" He explained to me that she was his child and the product of a romance that he had before he went into the army . They broke up and then when he went home on furlough , he heard she was having his baby . He said he didn 't believe it at first , that they had only ' gotten together ' one time . He discounted the fact that it could be his . " " Apparently not . However , when Savannah brought Rose to him , and he saw her red hair , he knew she could only be his . When they brought her to me , he said that the mother didn 't want the baby , and he couldn 't bear the thought of another man raising his child . So she became my little Martha Rose . He named her after his mother , Martha Jane . We called her Rose because of her pink skin and the little mouth that was shaped like a rosebud . I loved her like she had been born from my body . " " I 'm afraid you 'll have to find out from her . I don 't know the answers to those questions . What I 'm telling you is all that I know . I didn 't know until I moved here as a widow anything about you . Even then , I had no clue that the two of you could possibly be sisters . Cousins , maybe , since Seamus had brothers and sisters , but certainly not sisters . " When both of them came out of the kitchen into the living room , there was an almost audible sigh of relief from those waiting . " Bobby Joe , could you please run me by my house before I go to the hospital to visit my Granny ? I 'd kind of like to see what it looks like now . " Upon arrival at the house , Arlissa noticed the Cadillac parked in the yard near the back door . " Surely , they 're not working out here today , on a Sunday ! Granny would be that upset if she knew they were . " They a minute ! Something seems off about this , " whispered Bobby Joe . " You can 't just rush in like you 're doing . Somebody could be laying in wait for you , after all the trouble you 've had . " Hetty ! What are you up to ? What are you doin ' with Granny 's rosewood box ? Nobody bothers that ! It 's her personal stuff ! How dare you ? ! ! " uh , uh . . . I came out to check on the paint , to see how the walls looked after it dried , and found this on the floor . Somebody must 've come in and pilfered through your things , while nobody was here to protect it . The box was on the bed and the paper had most likely fallen out of it , I " Well , there is still a lot to do , and we 'll be back tomorrow afternoon , my dear . I must be going , dear children ! " She stopped and looked at Arlissa a moment . " I noticed you are carrying about an album like we used to keep pictures in a long time ago ! " " Yes , it is . Thank you for all you have done for me , Miss Hetty , you and the other ladies . Maybe I 'll see you tomorrow . " Arlissa and Bobby Joe looked questioningly at one another , then laughed . " Do you think she was really out here to check on the paint ? " Bobby asked . " You 're not thinking about asking her anything about your past , are you ? How could you even believe what she would tell you ? " " Well , I never thought about it before . . . " out the rest , they make it up . You could never be sure if what she would tell you would be the whole truth . What about the paper that she was getting ready to look at in that box ? It must be something important don 't think she had seen it ; I don 't even know what is on it . It belongs to Granny and I 'd never look at it . We respect each others ' private stuff . " can do that on my way to the hospital , if you don 't mind . I know it 'll be safe there ! Whatever it 's got in it , I want Granny to know it 's still course , er ah , ' Lissa . That is a good idea about taking it with you . Might as well remove the temptation from that woman 's hands and eyes . " an afterthought , she decided to take the album to the hospital and share the pictures and story with her granny . Maybe she could get more information from that source . Bobby seen her young charge with the prospects of a good marriage , she could stop worrying about what would happen if she passed away . When he left , Arlissa went out into the hallway with him for a few minutes . Returning to the room , she saw Granny lying there smiling and said , " What ? " have something to show you and to tell you . I have some pictures here that I want you to see . Then I have a story to tell you . In fact , I have if I guessed , then you wouldn 't be telling me , would you ? That 's okay , Granny . I think we both know the answer to that . Another question , though . " " But , he 's been gone a long time . You could have told me . I could have had Rose as a sister all this time . " Arlissa cried out , with an ache in her heart . " All this time . . . all this time . " lovingly at her . " You was between the devil and the deep blue sea , tryin ' to keep that promise , I know . But you should have trusted me enough to tell me ! I 'll forgive you , but I 'm hopin ' we 've both learned somethin ' from this whole thing . " not been used for some time , and the battery refused to respond to the key . " I should ' a known it would be dead again . It needed to be replaced some time ago , but I haven 't had the money to do it . " shop and he 's always gettin ' in cars that 's gotta be junked . I 'll pick it up later today when I get offa the job . Okay ? " he owes me some favors , so he won 't charge me anything for it . We 're cousins , after all . His ma and mine are sisters and his ma would climb his frame if he refused . Don 't worry , you 'll have it by tomorrow and installed , to boot . " could , but I 've taken this walk many times in the past and have never been in any danger at all . Con is in jail , and I don 't know of anybody else that would want to hurt me . It is kinda private , too . " felt uneasy about letting her go , but she was a grown woman and seemed to know what she was talking about . He couldn 't push himself on going with her if she didn 't want it , could he ? Arlissa strolled along , listening to the birds singing , and realized how very good she felt to be alive . Things had been difficult over the past several weeks , but she had hopes for troubles to lift in the near future . Her object in taking the walk was to see the tree where she and Rosie used to meet and sit under , talking about what they were going to do in the future . They had spent a lot of time in those teenage years sitting there . She was wondering why Rosie had mentioned the tree in the note she left for her . the tree . It was their own way of keeping up with one another . They were not allowed to tie up the telephone , especially since it was a party line phone . The old oak was huge and gnarled with age . Ah , there it was ! Arlissa laughed and ran to the tree , then jokingly stuck her hand into the large hole . Wait ! There was something in it ! Her fingers had hit something that felt like fabric of some kind . Carefully , she pulled a canvas travel bag from the tree 's cavity . " What in the world ? What is this ? Where did it come from ? " She looked around carefully . . . then unzipped the bag . It was full of money , stacked and banded with rubber bands . Hundred dollar bills ! Where did it come from ? How did it get in here ? What should I do with it ? of that money . Who does it belong to ? Could Rosie have left it there ? Where would she have gotten it ? Why wouldn 't she have just told me she had it if it was hers ? " take it to the Sheriff ! If it is illegal money like I think it is , I don 't want it unless he thinks I should keep it . I reckon maybe Rosie was thinking that I could use it to take care of Benny and see he had what he needed . She knew me and Granny don 't have much in the way of money . " a safer place before unrolling it . After all , it had waited this long . An hour or so longer wouldn 't make any difference , she reckoned . " Well , ain 't you the curious one ! " she laughed . " I got it at the gettin ' place ! " Apparently she had decided to keep that information to herself . " I need to take it to the Sheriff , though . I think it 's time he sees it . " Billy " I was only joking ! I trust you , Billy . I will show you what is in the bag as soon as we 're in the car . " Picking up one of the bundles , he looked at the bank wrapper on it and read . " Fourth National Bank of Pennsylvania is where these wrappers came from . " " Say , the O ' Hanlons came from Pennsylvania about eleven or twelve years ago . That 's when I first met them . They had just come from there and their Grandma died . " listen , we 'd best get this to the Sheriff , then . He 'll know what to do with it . He 's in his office right now , dealing with that foreign fella that beat up a woman . " Wilbur , you know he doesn 't hold any kind of court until a week - day . It 's not going to kill your client to stay in jail another few hours . He 'll eat good while he 's in here and our cells are not all that uncomfortable . He can have his cigars or whatever he smokes , under supervision , that is , when we 've got an extra person to supervise his smoking . Not good for him , anyways . " Sheriff Bradshaw smiled companionably at the two . At those words , Wilbur Johnson picked up his briefcase and told Donelli he would be back on Monday and left , nodding to the two young people who had just entered . Upon the entry of the two , Donelli stood and bowed to Arlissa . " Ah , the lovely Miss Hinton ! Or should I say , Miss O ' Hanlon ? You are rather in the same class as my little Benito , eh ? Too bad your father did not claim you as I want to claim my little one . " His eyes glittered with malice . Arlissa 's face flamed , then blanched . She stood toe to toe with Donelli and slapped his face . " Sheriff ! You saw that ! She assaulted me ! I want her arrested . Right now ! " happened to see the satchel carried by Billy as he placed it on the Sheriff 's desk . He recognized it as being his . It had disappeared with Rosie . It dawned upon him . His money ! Did Rosie put the rest of his stuff in the bag as well ? He had to get it ! deputy . . . bring the bag with you . We 're leaving right now . Anybody that follows gets a bullet between the eyes . I am an expert with guns ; I grew on second thought , here , Miss Smarty , put these on your boy friend , here . Don 't try anything , unless you want him blown away ! " He tossed handcuffs from Billy 's belt to Arlissa , all the while holding the gun on Billy . - haw ! Looks like we got some new jail - birds back here ! Hey , fella ! How 's about helping me outta here ? " He shouted at Donelli . shut up , kid ! You look like nothing but trouble , probably as dumb as a door - nail , or he wouldn 't have caught you . Nothing but a hick town here . " door . He had parked his car near the diner where he had met Savannah . He had beaten her up in the alleyway , trying to get more information about his son . laughed as he drove out of town , making plans to grab his son and soon be on his way to his home , eager to get back to his family 's lucrative business . He was due to take over from his old man . It was growing exponentially as more drugs were being created . Sheriff ! You here ? Billy ? Who 's minding the office ? " Shouted Mildred . " My little grandson is in town and wanted to see the jail ! Hello ? " of them needed to go out to the site of the wreck . Apparently , Bobby Joe was out there , working the wreck along with another trooper . They had tried to contact the Sheriff but he was in lock - up , so to speak . They didn 't know yet who was in the wreck ; apparently the car had exploded and burned the occupant beyond recognition . It was several minutes before anyone got to the car . It was down in Dead Man 's Hollow , and not easy to get to . " I 've the time that Sheriff Bradshaw got to Hinkle Road , several residents had gathered and were looking on . Among them were Zeb and his step - father , along with Les , Zeb 's younger brother . Mildred took her grandson and left the office , leaving Arlissa and Billy . " I 'm sorry about your car , ' Lissa . I 'll call my cousin right now , while we 're here and see if he can 't get out there sometime today . I know you 're anxious to have it . " Billy . I really appreciate your help . You and your family have been so very nice to me . I 'll never be able to repay y ' all . " don 't want you to feel that way , ' Lissa . You 're a fine person , just down on your luck a little bit . It could happen to anybody . Listen , do you think maybe I could take you out sometime ? " The Billy who 's always wanting a favor , I 'll just bet ! What is it this time ? You know I do have other people to do work for that pay me ! In fact , I gotta get a tow truck out to Hinkle Road at the curve . Some dang what I need done is out that way . A friend of mine needs a battery in her Chevy replaced . It 's a ' 59 . Out at the old Hinton farmhouse . Can you do that ? " Merry Christmas A very merry Christmas to all my readers ! May you have a blessed celebration of our Lord 's coming to deliver us from our iniquities . See you in a few days . Love , Ruby . Posted by Watching her with wonder , they saw her set the box in her lap and begin to open the lid . " She 's going to look inside that box ! She has some nerve ! That could be private stuff she 's looking at . We have to stop her , girls ! " This from diminutive Jan Hankins , whose husband was the manager of the local bank . Hetty looked up , guilty - faced , and quickly shut the half - opened lid . " Why . . . uh . . . uh . . . I just saw this layin ' on the floor and was gettin ' ready to put it into the dresser drawer . It 's pretty , isn 't it , with this flower cut into the top of it ? I was just admiring the way it looks . . . Wait ! You don 't think I 'd . . . no , no , the thought never entered my mind ! " She suspected they had her dead to rights , but she was going to deny it . Getting up from the bed side , she immediately put the box in the top drawer of the dresser . " Well , where is that paint , anyway ? What color was picked out for this room , girls ? " Is it okay if I come to visit a few minutes ? Zee told me that your Granny had another spell with her heart , and I just wanted to see how you were all doing . I just got off duty . How you doin ' , Ma ' am ? " " Oh , that 's Zeb 's nickname from when we were in police academy together . We all had them . Mine was Odie . " He smiled at her . " Please old lady just lay there looking in amazement at the young man . Was he asking for her granddaughter 's hand ? This was a first , at least for Granny . very careful , ma ' am , and good at my job . Right now I just want your approval to take her out and get to know her . I 'll be respectful to her , was meeting with his private detective who had found out where Rosie had disappeared to several days earlier , taking off with two of his possessions , his son and his money . He didn 't really want the son , but was going to get him back because he belonged to Donelli . He Hinton girl knows all about where they are ! I know she does ! I 'll get it out of her , one way or another ! The nosey Sheriff and his deputy kept " Alberto Donelli , at your service , lovely signorina ! " " Hmmm . Well , he is awfully busy . Just a moment and I 'll check with him to see if we could set up an appointment for you . " " Someone to see you , Mr . Wilbur ! I think he is in need of a lawyer . He looks rich , too ! " This last comment was a whispered one . Johnson quickly straightened his tie and put on his suit jacket which had been slung across the back of the easy chair near his desk , and sat up . He popped a mint into his mouth and fixed a smile on his face . " Wait about ten minutes and then send him in , darlin ' . " So saying , Donelli put down the lawyer as well as elevating his importance . ' Quite a trick ' , thought Johnson . ' I 'm going to have to watch myself around this fellow . He is slick . ' They sat silently while they lit up their cigars . Johnson leaned back in his chair and puffed , then slid an ash tray in Donelli 's direction . " That little gal out there has a regular fit if I drop ashes everywhere . Can 't afford to make her mad at me , you know . " " Oho ! No , no ! She does dust off the desk every once in awhile , though . " " Now , to change the subject , what can I do for you , Mr . Donelli ? I don 't think I 've seen you around here . " my son , Benito . His mother left me and brought him here with her from Philadelphia . Then she took her own life , or someone murdered her one , and now I can 't find him . I know where she brought him , but they won 't tell me where he is . I want him back . I love the boy . He is only two and Yes , I heard about that ; poor girl . Out of her mind with drugs , I heard . Had bruis . . . er ah . They buried her just this morning , right ? " " Yes , tragic . I want my boy back , Mr . Johnson . Can you help me ? Money is no object ! I must have him ! He is mine ! " now , just calm down , Mr . Donelli ! I 'm sure we can take them to court and make them hand him over . The law is most certainly on your side as the child 's father . Let 's talk this over a little more , okay ? I need some more particulars . " looked a bit uncomfortable , but continued smiling . He figured he could beat out any deputy for her affections . He hadn 't turned on his full charm for her yet . " Well , I guess I 'll be going , Ms . Hinton . I 'll be seeing you soon . Arlissa , I 'll see you in the morning . " He nodded to them both and left . Granny lay back satisfied . If she died any time soon , she wanted to see her granddaughter settled and happy . Just then , the nurse came in to check her vitals and to let them know that supper trays were on their way up . left Lawyer Johnson 's office feeling quite satisfied . With the information that he had given the shyster , he knew he could claim custody of his son and once again have control of the boy , raising him in the way it was necessary for the boy to one day take over the family business . Besides , nobody else was going to have what was rightfully his . had borne his son had stolen away from him . Alberto Donelli was going to find it , if it was the last thing he did ! He knew the key to locating it should be as easy as pie . He had certainly fooled Rosie ! These country hicks were so dumb , they would believe anything he told them ! Rubbing his hands together , he chuckled to himself . back , he remembered the first time he saw Rose O ' Hanlon . He was standing around on the street corner , waiting for an associate , when he saw her walking along , looking lost . Struck at once by her youth and beauty , he bumped into her , as if by accident . From then on , she was easy to win over . he remembered when she realized they were going to become parents . He had been so happy and excited . At first , she had been happy , too , She had become like a fishwife when he began paying innocent attention to a neighborhood girl who came in to help out Rosie . That was when he blew up and began to slap Rosie around a little . She shouldn 't have acted that way . After all , Rosie was his , wasn 't she ? He gave her everything she wanted ! She should have appreciated him more , then he wouldn 't have had to punish her . boy to family and friends . Rosie had changed , was never home . . . she loved the boy , but , somehow . seemed to be jealous of Alberto 's attention Granny 's room , they moved on into the living room . They sat down about ten minutes to rest and have a glass of cold iced tea . " I 'm sure glad you thought to bring that tea from the diner , Jan ! " Carla remarked to the banker 's wife . " Whew ! Yeah ! That painting is hard work ! I 'd rather work in the garden anytime ! " spoke up Betty Crowe , Harvey 's wife . mind ! Listen , ladies , it 's time to get back to work , ain 't it ? " Hetty stood up and picked up the roller she was using to paint with . " We gotta smiled and headed for what she thought was going to be fun , but when she got there , the box was gone . She blanched as she felt the blood draining from her face . Where was it ? What had happened to the box ? She was sure she had put it into the top drawer of the dresser ! ' Maybe I put it in the second drawer down ! ' she thought . Quietly , but frantically , she began pulling out the rest of the drawers . Gone ! It was gone ! She ran over to the closet and pulled open the door . Not there , either ! know one of them must have hidden it ! They guessed that I was interested in it and now I don 't know where it is ! But , I 'll come back out here , and I 'll find it ! I can take it for myself and the Hintons will just think that Douglas boy stole it . Yeah ! " Just then , the other women came into the room to look at the walls and to see how Hetty was reacting to the loss of the box . The ladies saw Hetty sitting on the bed , fanning herself furiously . " Why , what 's the matter , Hetty ? Did you get overheated doin ' all that painting ? Bless your heart , honey . You look a little flustered ! Listen , it 's about time to go home . Why don 't we get all this mess cleaned up so we can finish on Monday ? We oughta be able to get it done in one more day , with some of the fellas to help us . " Mrytle patted Hetty on the shoulders as she spoke to her . The other ladies smiled and nodded their assent to Myrtle 's plan . By this time , Hetty had regained her regal calm , and stood . " Say , " " Nonsense , I feel perfectly fine to drive back . It is my car after all ! " " If you 're sure , " replied Myrtle , hesitantly . " You are gettin ' up in years , after all . You bein ' the oldest in the group . " Johnson ! How can you look me in the eyes and say such a thing ! Everybody knows you have me beat by a full two and a half years ! No wonder your Wilbur flirts with everything in a skirt ! " stepped in then , and said , " Ladies ! Ladies ! This is not the time or place to get into such a discussion ! Remember , we are on a Mission of Mercy here ! And we are all friends , are we not ? " stood by and watched these ladies , and wondered how she had ever got involved with them . She had at first thought them to be so refined , but the longer she knew them , the more disillusioned she became . They were just like a lot of women she had known when she was growing up in a town about what the day might hold for her . This was the first time she would have been escorted to church by a fella . Oh , she 'd been in youth group with others on Sunday evenings , but never had been on a regular church date , where somebody had come by to take her . She jumped out of bed and ran to the closet where her few borrowed clothes were hanging . She picked out the pale blue one , with the ruffles just above the hem . They just seemed to float around her knees when she had the dress on . It made her feel like a princess . Putting not . . . Uh . . . I 'm sorry ! I should have come back sooner , I know . But I promise not to stay away so long again . Will you forgive me ? " Arlissa had decided to go along with the idea , because she was afraid she 'd upset the old lady . Apparently the old woman was harking back to childhood days , and Arlissa laughed pleasantly with her , as the old lady chuckled . " That was fun , wasn 't it ? Listen , I have to go now , but it has been good visiting with you . I 'll come again , okay ? " " Oh , yes , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to delay us . I have a kind of a date to church today , Sheriff . " " Really ? Well , that 's no great surprise , a girl as pretty as you should have somebody to take them everywhere they wanted to go . " Sarah was seated then , after pouring coffee for the three of them , and the Sheriff asked the blessing on their meal . Once they had begun to eat , Arlissa asked , " What ever happened to Savannah O ' Hanlon , Sheriff ? " I don 't know , Arlissa . She went off somewhere and nobody has seen her for several years , I reckon . At least , not as far as I know . " that morning , after Bobby Joe had stopped by , taking Arlissa with him , they walked into the little Hickston Methodist Church , and all heads turned in their direction . Eyebrows lifted , and the buzz began . It was just a little murmur , but anyone could see they had caused quite a stir . that new state trooper that 's been buzzin ' around on the county roads , givin ' out tickets like they was confetti , ' er some such thing . I 'll have you know , I jist tore them up like they was a losin ' lottery ticket ! Hmphh ! " " Oh , him ! Yeah , Mz . Hetty got one the other day . I heard her complainin ' to her friends about it . Right funny , it was ! " as though he would rather be napping in his office , and no doubt would be napping before the pastor finished his sermon . " Hmmm ? What ? Oh ! Oh , yeah , I guess . " Mz . Hetty was sitting in her pew , deep in thought about that box out on the farm , when Jan Hankins nudged her . " What ? What ? " " Look who just walked in . That good looking cop that gave you those speeding tickets did . Look who he 's got with him . " No one observed the young man who came in last and sat in the very back pew . Slowly the buzzing came to a stop and the pastor got up to pray . The meeting had begun . the Choirmaster . Of David , the servant of the LORD . Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart ; there is no fear of God before his eyes . For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated . The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit ; he has ceased to act wisely and do good . " problem is , they are idle words , that though spoken in jest , can be carried to others and misquoted , changing meaning , and become outright lies . Gossip is never harmless . Once a word is spoken , it cannot be called back into nonexistence . Take for instance , the arrow which leaves the bow , when it reaches its target , it pierces whatever it hits . It cannot be unshot , once it leaves . So are words . You 've the adulterer may keep it secret all his life , but God knows what they are , and what they do . He then goes on to say that all sins will be revealed by Christ on the Day of Judgment . I pray that our congregation will take to heart what our Lord tells us about speaking ill of our neighbors , carrying gossip and harming lives . Remember that when we speak ill of others , we often take what is not ours to take . We need to always do good . When we take someone 's reputation , we are robbing them . Taking what we do not own is thievery . We know that taking anything that is not ours is wrong . If pastor then led the congregation in prayer , after which the young man who led the music got up and announced the hymn , " Have Thine Own Way , Lord " . The congregation stood to their feet and sang . The How about Hetty ? Had she been listening , really hearing what the pastor preached about ? And Alberto Donelli , what about his hearing and reception of the message ? sermon , Preacher ! I 'm sure everyone enjoyed it as much as I did , " remarked Hetty McReynolds . " I 've always loved the Psalms . They bring so much comfort to me ! " He knew at once that she had not heard a word he said , or that she felt it didn 't apply to her . " Thank you , Miss Hetty ! I always appreciate a kind word ! " he answered , tongue - in - cheek . just looked at the pastor and shook his head , understanding clearly what had just taken place . He knew his wife was the town 's worst talebearer , but he also knew she had a kindness in her at most times . That was her saving grace as far as he was concerned . moved from another state to their little town . In fact , they had grown up next door to one another . Pastor Willetts shook Arlissa 's hand as she exited with the young state trooper . " How 's your granny doing ? I 've been meaning to get over to see her , but I 've been out of town for a few days . I promise I 'll be over one day this week . Who 's your young man ? " Arlissa blushed at his last remark , and looked up at Bobby Joe . " I 'm Bobby Joe Odom , Preacher . Glad to meet , you , sir , " he stated , shaking the pastor 's hand . " That was a right good sermon . " " Thank you , son . I 'm afraid it may have fallen on some deaf ears , but I reckon I have to keep trying . " He smiled . " Yes , sir . See you , sir . " was quite a procession of cars making its way out to the old O ' Hanlon farm . The Tunstalls in their truck , Zeb and Angela , Marie and Les in Zeb 's car , followed by Bobby Joe and Arlissa . Nobody noticed the rental car following at a distance , because they were all deep in conversation . " Bobby Joe , you may not know it , but I 've been trying to find out who my pa was . Nobody seems to know , or if they do , they 're not sayin ' anything about who it was . I 've always wondered about him . I think my Granny knows but she won 't let on . I 'm thinkin ' I must be some kin to the O ' Hanlons , but if I even bring up anything , Mrs . Tunstall jist looks daggers at me . " it 's a fact I can 't deny that my Mama and Daddy wasn 't married . She died when I was born or the day after , anyways . It makes me feel kinda ashamed , you know . " you 're not responsible for your birth situation . There 's nothing for you to be ashamed of . Your Granny 's done a fine job of bringing you up , too . " He smiled down at her , taking his eyes from the road momentarily . He hit a bump in the road and a tire blew . " Whoa ! What in the world . . . ? " He drove on for a few hundred feet and realized the car was pulling to one side . He pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car . " Uh . Oh . Looks like a flat . This is gonna take a few minutes . Just sit where you are . I 'll soon have it fixed . " He removed his coat and threw it into the front seat . Going to the trunk , he removed the jack , lug wrench and the spare tire . It only took him a few minutes to change the tire and replace the flat one into the trunk . As he was changing the tire , he heard a vehicle approaching from behind . He glanced up from the right rear tire that he was changing and saw it go past them . The driver didn 't even glance their way , but was intent on yeah . He 's bent on causing trouble , too , from what I can tell . Wonder what he 's doing heading out this way ? Most likely trying to find the boy . Do you know where the boy is ? " " I reckon maybe the Tunstalls have him . I don 't know . I haven 't seen him since I was out there for the supper a few nights ago . " I don 't want no more trouble for them . They 've been through a lot . Listen , I want to ask a favor of you after while . I 'd like you to take me somewhere after dinner , if you have time . " sorry , Mz . Tunstall ! He was out the door when he heard the car doors slamming . I was busy stirring one of the kettles on the stove , to keep it from scorching . Out he went , before I could grab him . " " Gwamma ! Gwampa ! You home ! Ah . . . " He looked up then to see Donelli rushing toward him . Jake Tunstall grabbed the boy before Donelli had a chance to get to him . Benny began whimpering and hiding his face in his grandpa 's shirt . Just then , the Sheriff 's car entered the group of cars parked there . They all turned at his arrival and watched as he walked toward them . " Folks , Surely , Signor Sheriff , you are making a mistake ! Who says I beat this woman you named ? I don 't even know who you are talking about ! " " Don 't play the fool with me , Donelli ! I have witnesses and her testimony ! " " She 's lying ! They 're lying ! It 's all what you call trumped up ! I want to call my lawyer ! " always spoke these words to him when he left for his job , knowing of the possibility of his not returning because of the dangers it held . He kissed his fingers and touched them to her lips as always . He left with the Sheriff and Donelli , following them in his car . " Well , let 's go on in and see about having dinner , shall we ? " announced Tunstall to the group . It was a quiet assembly that entered the farmhouse , all taken aback by the turn of events . Bobby Joe was itching to be in town with those who had left , but knew his place right now was at the farm . He remembered the request that Arlissa had made of him earlier , and wondered what it was . Dinner Benny was taken into the bedroom for his afternoon nap , Arlissa mentioned that the Sheriff 's wife , who was in the latter stages of dementia , mistook her for the woman who was just beaten up , Savannah O ' Hanlon . " Isn 't that strange ? Just because of the red hair , I guess . " a minute , I have something I want to show to you . I ran across it yesterday when I was going through an old trunk , looking for something else . My former mother - in - law , Martha O ' Hanlon , had it . It is really uncanny . " then opened the old photograph album . She began flipping through the pages of old pictures , obviously taken with a little Brownie camera . Some were small , some were enlarged . " Here , this is a picture of Savannah O ' Hanlon . You can see what a beauty she was . Both you and Rosie have her coloring . Here is a picture of Rosie when she was just a couple of days old . Seamus is holding her , his dad was taking the picture . " " I don 't understand . . . why are you showing me this album ? What does it have to do with me ? What are you telling me , anyway ? " a long story , but he was down here visiting his parents before going back from his furlough . He had been home with me in Pennsylvania for a few days , and wanted to see them before going back . It just so happened that you and Rose were born while he was here . " my Granny know about Rose ? How did he get Rose back to Pennsylvania ? " Tears were rolling down Arlissa 's face as she listened to the story Helen was relating to her . you see , it 's like this . Your mother and Savannah were really good friends , rather like you and Rose became after we moved here . I realized when we came here , that if you still lived in the vicinity , it was a possibility that the two of you would become friends . I really had no choice in the matter . That is a story for another time . " at least he told me that he was unaware of it . He and your Ma were going together and he was beginning to drink . He had grown up watching his father come home from town where he was on the Town Council , drunk after stopping off at the bar in town . His father was abusive when he drank . He would come home and beat Martha Jane and the kids . " my husband , your father , had several arguments with your Ma , Eleanor , about his drinking . Savannah told Seamus that Eleanor had been going to tell him about expecting a baby on the evening that they had their biggest argument and he actually hit her . She told him to leave and never come back . " on furlough visiting his parents before going back to base . I met him when he finished his basic training and was assigned to a base . We got married and the first I knew of Rose was when he came back from visiting Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !
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- June 1940 's or 1950 's Kitlope - In the night a Bigfoot howled at a broken window in an old house . In the morning , Clayton Mack and his client find large human - like tracks . The guide finds evidence that the Bigfoot tried to destroy its own tracks . Clayton Mack was born in 1910 , at Nieumiamus Creek - " place of flies . " He went to a residential school and worked as a logger , fisherman and a rancher before becoming a tracker and hunting guide . Descended from a long line of Bella Coola chiefs , he was a walking encyclopedia of tribal lore and wordsmanship . He spent 53 years on the BC central coast , guiding the rich and famous on trophy hunts that felled an estimated 300 grizzly bears . During this time , he also gained a reputation as one of the best storytellers in the province . He was flown to Hollywood in the sixties for a visit , where he mesmerized the California jet set with his hunting tales . In 1988 , after suffering a stroke , he was moved into long - term care at the Bella Coola Hospital . He died in 1993 . Note : Grizzly bears and q ' unsciwas - white men - were two most mysterious creatures on earth according to Bella Coola 's own Nuxalk nation Indian Clayton Mack . Born in 1910 , the latter reign of " the great wilderness hunters , " he guided the rich and the famous on trophy hunts , captivating everyone from the Bella Coola locals to jet setters with his hunting prowess and mastery at telling campfire stories . He was one of a kind . Not particularly worldly , Clayton Mack is portrayed as spirited , confident , one with the wilderness or as I call it , " he had back - country smarts " and was at home in the elements among nature 's fiercest most unpredictable creatures , the grizzly bear , the black bear and the Boqs - Sasquatches . He loved the British Columbian wilderness where he was known for 53 long years as the " greatest grizzly bear guide " in the world , something you have to respect if you know the Grizzly Bear . Hunters will love Mack 's no nonsense - earthy approach to hunting . He was also a spellbinding storyteller . His best tales are collected in the Grizzly book in his own words . The stories he told were recorded in text exactly as he spoke them during tape recorded sessions with the author Dr . Harvey Thommasen , his family physician , who specialized in Native Canadian health issues . The Mack book is short on Sasquatch stories , devoting only one chapter to the subject , but Mack 's grizzly accounts are worth the price of the book . I will confine out - takes from the book to his single chapter on Sasquatch related stories . I got the biggest bang out of his Grizzly and Sasquatch yarns , seized of course , from his days in the beauty but rugged and unyielding wilderness region of Bella Coola , BC . I hope you will enjoy it too . Chapter Seven , The Sasquatch " I was fishing in Kwatna all my myself , in August - nobody with me - and I came home on the weekend . I was getting pretty lonely , low on gas and getting low on grub too . So I went home for a few days . Then I got a fresh start of grub to go back again . I told my wife " I 'm going back to Kwatna again . " Early in the morning , Sunday , I took off from Bella Coola . I was probably in my thirties . I had a little boat - about a thirty - foot boat with a single cylinder engine . I got to Jacobson Bay , about fifteen miles from Bella Coola when I saw something right out on the low tide . I saw something on the edge of the water . It was kneeling down - like and I could see his back humping up on the beach . It looked like he was lifting up rocks or maybe digging clams . But there were no claims there . I turned the boat right in toward him . I wanted to find out what it was . For a while there I thought it was a grizzly bear , kind of light color fur on the back of his neck like a light brown almost buckskin color fur . I nosed right in toward him to almost seventy - five yards to get a good look . He stood up on his hind feet , straight up like a man and I looked at it . He was looking at me . Gee , it don 't look like a bear , it has arms like a human being , it had legs like a human being and it got a head like us . I keep on going in toward him . He started to walk away from me walking like a man on two legs . He was about eight feet high . He got to some drift - logs , stopped and looked back at me . He looked over his shoulder to see me . Grizzly bear don 't do that , I never see a griz run on its hind legs like that and I never se a grizzly bear look over his shoulder like that . I was right close to the beach now . He stepped up on those drift logs and walked into the timber . Stepped on them logs like a man do . The area had been logged before so the alder trees were short , about eight to ten feet high . I could see the tops moving as he was spreading them apart to go through . I watched as he went a little higher up the hill . The wind blew me in toward the beach , so I backed up the boat and keep on going to Kwatna Bay . One evening a year later , I was talking to George Olsen who was the manager of Tallio cannery . I told him about what I had seen , a man - like animal with hair all over his body . George told me he seen the same animal , the same month and the same year as I had but only on the other side of the bay . George and his crew watched from their boat as a man - like creature run across the river . For many years after , I told that story to people . I told Paul Pollard , James Pollard 's father and he told me where they are . Where is the most Sasquatch sign he ever seen , Kitlope ! I wanted to get into that country some day to see if that was true . One June , I took two Americans into Kitlope . They had both got their grizzly bear and wanted to see if they could see a Sasquatch . One of these Americans , we called him ' cowboy ' was crying all the time and sometimes used bad language . Mad at something . When we get to Kitlope I said , " What is your problem ? " He said " my wife left me . She cheated me and she wanted lots of money from me . She wanted thirty thousand dollars from me and she got it . Then she took off . A few days later I got a letter saying she wants sixteen hundred dollars a month for the rest of her life . And she got it . " That 's what he was mad about . There was an old house at Kitlope . Oil stove cups , dishes , plates and spoons were all in good shape . I light up the stove . I called the boys to come in , " it 's all ready for us . " The cowboy was still kind of haywire you know , he pulled out a bottle of Canadian Club Whisky and a carton of cigarettes and put it on the table . Cowboy started right away drinkin ' and smokin . ' He got me nervous - like after a while . I was laying down watching him . He was smoking a log of cigarettes ; he 'd just finished one and then lights a new one again . He keeps going like that . The he 'd get up and go to the kitchen and pour himself a drink again . I watched him all the time . I decided next time he goes I would follow him and have a drink and help him forget his problem . Then he went in and I went and patted him on the shoulder . " I 'll drink with you on this one . " He said " Take a big one , you are way behind " " Damn right , " I said . " I 'll take a big one so I can go to sleep . " He poured himself a drink and poured myself a drink . I drink that Canadian Club Whiskey and go back to bed . I had my gun right there beside my bed and a big flashlight , A six - volt flashlight . I lay down , Cowboy started in again smoking . I never say nothing , just lay there watching him . Tony , the other American was laying near the foot of my bed on the next bed . I was afraid Cowboy was going to burn a blanket , burn down the whole cabin . Right at once something yelled through a little broken window , " Haaa Ohhhhhhhhh . " He yelled right through that hole in the window . I get up right away and grabbed hold of my gun . That 's the big mistake I made . I should have grabbed hold of that flashlight and flashed right on his face to see what he looked like . I grabbed my gun and I tried to go out but I couldn 't open the door because it had been raining too long in that country , I guess , and the door swelled up so as I couldn 't open it . So I went out through the back door and flashed the light at the broken window . He was gone already . He yelled again by the river , he howl again , " haaaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaaaa " like . I flashed around , it was gone now ; walked down to the river to see him , what it was , but I didn 't see nothing . So I went back to bed . Early in the morning I woke up Tony . " Let 's go look for his tracks , " I said . Yeah , it looked like we saw his tracks all right , but not too good . He stopped too many places . He destroyed his own footprints . The footprints look like our footprints - bigger , that 's all . The second Sasquatch I saw was in Mud Bay , in Dean Channel . Mud Bay is about ten miles down from Brynildsen Bay . It is like a kind of lagoon there , narrow entrance to go in but lots of room once you are inside . I was looking for bear . I didn 't want to go into the middle of the bay , so I went to shore and walked along the sandy beaches . I see a man - head ; it looked like , behind a tree . It was looking at me . The head was sticking out from behind a tree . I kneeled down and point my gun at him . Gee , he took off fast . He was about two hundred feet away . Not too big , about my size , five foot seven or eight . Had lots of hair all over his face . Almost look like a person , but not a person . I didn 't want to shoot him . So I walked up to where he was . And where he went in , I followed him in . I saw tree bark had been peeled off . I guess he was eating the sap of a hemlock tree . I almost caught him eating that . I saw his tracks , but not too good . [ note : This is a rare report where we read about a dead bear being found . ] The third Sasquatch I saw was in South Bentinck , right up the head of the South Bentinck . Past Taleomey , right at the end . Assek River . It was less than twenty years ago now . I had a white hunter with me , an American guy from California . Maybe fifty year old . We were sitting down on a log talkin ' together , he told me his bad luck . There was a dead black bear near us . We found that dead black bear the week before and it had been eaten up by a grizzly bear . That American hunter shot and missed a wolf , then later he shot and missed a griz that come to eat that dead black bear ! He told me , " I 'm real bad luck ! I missed that wolf , I missed that grizzly bear , I lost my son in the Vietnam War . " That is what he told me . We were waiting for the grizzly bear that was eating that dead black bear to come back . We waited ' til it getting ' dark . So I told this guy " It 's getting late , let 's get out of here . We 'll be back before daylight in the morning . " Sometimes when it gets late , dark , and you shoot and you can 't see the sights on the gun too good , you will just nick the bear . You won 't kill him , just wound him . It is hard to track a wounded grizzly bear at night . So we headed back to the boat and I walked ahead of him . We came into big open flat , about quarter of a mile . It looked like there was a black bear eating in the grass . Looked like it anyways . I stopped , told this fellow " Black bear over there , let 's go right close to him , lets walk right up to him . " We were on the dry land about 150 yards from the water . " Black Bear are stupid , " I told him " You can get right close to them . See how close you can walk up to him . " I started walking up to that black bear . " Just stay right behind me " I told the American guy . The black bear was about a quarter of a mile away when we first saw it . I made a big circle like toward the bear . When I got closer , not too far now , the hunter grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me back . " Clayton , that 's not a black bear " he said , " that 's a Sasquatch . " He keeps on saying , " It 's a Sasquatch . " I didn 't say nothing . I started walking again . I said " Stay right behind me . " We was only about 75 yards away . " Clayton , " he said again , " that 's not a black bear , that 's a Sasquatch ! ! " I knelt down on the ground , I turned toward him , " what do you know about Sasquatches ? " He says , " I come from Northern California , we get them in that country in the big mountains that get snow on them . Those mountains in Northern California which have glaciers on them . Some people hunt them " he said . I said " How do they look like ? " He said , " well you seeing one there now , that 's a what they look like . " I started walking again . I get pretty close now . Then that black bear stands up on both legs and he looks at me . I keep going closer . Gee , I was pretty close now . He started looking at me , making no noise or anything . I feel the barrel of a gun against my cheek . I pushed that hunter 's gun away from my face . " Don 't shoot him , " I said . The hunter whispered in my ear , " Look through your scope and see how he looks like . " I turn the scope to 4X and close * # 151 ; four times closer than a naked eye . I looked through that scope , I look at his mouth . Little white thing in his mouth , looked like rice . I look at his lips kind of turning in and turning out , the top and the bottom too . I look at his face and his chest . The shape of his face is different than a human being face . Hair over face . Eyes were like us but small . Ears small too . Nose just like us , little bit flatter that 's all . Head kind of looks small compared to body . Looks friendly doesn 't look like he 's mad or has anything against us . Didn 't snort or make a sound like a grizzly bear . On the middle of his chest , looked to me like a line of no hair , hair split apart little bit in the middle . Skin is black where that hair split apart . It was a male I think . I can 't , no way am I able to shoot him . I had a big gun too . Big gun , a . 308 . I aimed , had my finger on the trigger , and pointed it right at the heart . One shot would have killed him dead , just like that . I couldn 't shoot him . Like if a person stands over there , I shoot him , same thing . No way I can kill him . My mother told me don 't ever shoot a Sasquatch . If you shoot them , you gonna lose your wife , your mother or your dad , or else your brother , sister and all your children will die . It will give you bad luck if you kill them . Leave them walk away . That 's why I don 't want to shoot one . My mother had seen them . She hears them too . A lot of Indian people saw them in the old days when there was many boqs . Nowaday , they are dying off , maybe white man 's disease , those left alive are moving north . My brother in eastern tribe say they are no more . After we see it , we just leave it . That Sasquatch went in the woods , went in the big timber . He took off fast . Looked like he used his hands when he took off first , like a hundred - yard runner , looks like it . Pulling himself up with his arms , with his hands first , looks like . He never made a sound . Just moved off into the heavy timber like a fast moving shadow . Next day we had a look again around where that Sasquatch was eating . We wondered to ourselves , " what was he eating ? " He pulled that grass and right at the root of the grass is a little round seed . Looks like a little grains of rice . That white boy called it sweet grass . That was what he was eating . That was the last Sasquatch I actually saw but I hear them and lots of stories about Sasquatches . I was happy that American hunter from California saw a Sasquatch . He was happy he saw the Sasquatch too . I use to own a bigger boat . One time I took a basketball team to Ocean Falls , Bella Bella and Klemtu . Took about 25 boys . They hired me to do this . I have to be careful , don 't travel in bad weather or else you get into trouble , sink and lose that many boys . I was coming back from Klemtu , it was getting late , we get past Brynildsen Bay and we hit a strong wind blowing out from South Bentinck . I turned the boat around and go back to Brynildsen Bay . We 're going to wait ' til it is nice and take off to Bella Coola in the morning . The boys didn 't like that , they wanted to go home that night . " No I 'm the boss , " I said . The wind was strong and there was too many of us in the boat . I heard Sasquatch live in that bay area . Willie Hans got to the bow of the boat and tied the boat up good . I decided to cook something to eat . We plan to leave early in the morning before the wind came up . Art Saunders , he yelled at Willie Hand , Sasquatch ! ! " Willie Hans raised his head up high and said " Baaaa qaaaa " - are you there ? " Sasquatch answered right away , " Haii haii haii . " Just like he called his name in our language . We call the Sasquatch " Boqs . " The thing answered right now . The whole bunch of kids jammed through the door - they can 't squeeze through the door fast enough - but that was about 14 years ago . I also hear Sasquatch in Skowquilz River Valley . Not too long ago , a hunter and his wife came in . I took him to South Bentinck . He was a poor shot , he can 't hit nothing with his gun . Good gun too , twelve hundred dollar gun he said . I showed him a black bear , bang bang , he missed . Show him a griz , - bang bang , missed all the time . He can 't hit anything . One day we talked about Sasquatch . " Ah bullshit , " he said . " No such a thing as that in the world . " He asked me how it looks like . I told him about the black one I saw in South Bentinck . Look like human being , body like human being . He said , " it 's all bullshit . " His wife get mad at him , " don 't call it bullshit " she said . " You never see one in your life that is why you don 't believe ? I bet you never see a wolf either . " She was right , he never did see a wolf in the wild . I tried to get him a bear in South Bentinck , we did see a lot of bears but he can 't hit them - missed all the time . I told my son - in - law , " let 's go to Skowquiltz . " It 's easy to hunt there , easy hunting , lot of black bears there . " So we went to Skowquiltz River Valley . Same as always . It was getting dark in the evening when we got there . Starting to get dark anyways . I took this guy out and I sat down on a log , waiting for a bear to come out . I saw one right away quick . A black bear , he wanted to cross the meadow in front of us . " There should be black bear over there do , do you see any ? " " Yeah , let 's take a look - see " he said . We went to a meadow waiting for the bear but he never did show . Lots of bear sign , ground all dug up but no bears anywhere . We went back to the same log and sat down again . Suddenly a sound scared us bad ! Real awful noise . Looks like a bluff up above where the sound came from , " Awwwoooo Wooo Wooo . " That Sasquatch was talking but I couldn 't understand what he was saying . Real deep voice . Then the hunter asked me " what 's going on over there ? " " You don 't believe in Sasquatches ? " I said . " That there is one you a hearin ' now ! " " You 're hearing one , but you still don 't believe it ? That 's what it is . Maybe they lost each other , trying to call its mate maybe , it 's his wife he 's trying to call . " No answer though . Just a big deep voice . Awful sounding voice this time , scared me . Usually I 'm not scared in the woods . As long as I have my gun I 'm not afraid . But that voice sure scared me ! I start thinkin ' maybe it 's a ghost or spirit or something like that . Cougar don 't sound the same as the Sasquatch . I can tell the difference ! Porcupine sounds like a woman crying sometimes , but that Sasquatch cry is different than porcupine . My brother saw a Sasquatch . ( My brother 's name is Samson ) . Standing face to face about a foot and a half apart ! He was on the tide flats here . He was working the boom there . Early shift in the morning , ' twas fire season , had to go across to the other side , the Old Town site side , at about three o ' clock in the morning . Samson met that old Sasquatch right on the road . Samson stopped , the Sasquatch stopped and they just looked at each other . And Samson , he wouldn 't tell anyone about it for a long long time . Sometimes I wonder what kind of animal is a Sasquatch ? Half man , half - animal I think . Just like a man but can 't make fire , which seems to be all . You know all the Indians up and down the coast have the same name for Sasquatches , Bookwus , ( Bukwas ) or Boqs . Many different languages , but same name for the Sasquatch . I think they live in caves in the winter , hibernate like a bear . I don 't think they like fish up here . Sasquatches got strong smell , smell like a pig they say . I never smelled it myself , never did in my life . But a lot of guys smell them . They see them and smell them , I saw one in the South Bentinck up close , but I never did smell nothing on him . Maybe the wind was blowin ' the other direction . The way a Sasquatch finds out how far apart each other is , is they pick up a stick and hit a tree with that stick . Makes a spooky noise . You will hear " bong " on one side of a valley then " bong " when another Sasquatch answers from the other side of the valley . There are Sasquatch hunters , quite a bunch of them . They try and get a Sasquatch . Some of the Sasquatch hunters have come to see me and one guy said to me , " You tell me where I can get a picture of a Sasquatch . If I can get it , I get 125 , 000 dollars . " " What are you going to do with that picture ? " I asked him . " Make millions of copies of it and kids they will buy that and put it on their shirt , " he said . That guy stayed with me awhile . Look like there is a lot of money in that Sasquatch hunting business . I want to join them someday . One day that Sasquatch hunter , he needed money to buy grub to go back in the mountains . He was hunting back of Salloomt River valley . He wants to buy oranges for bait . He claims that Sasquatches like apples and oranges . He didn 't have any money to buy this stuff he wanted so he said " can I use your phone ? " " Yeah , okay " I said . And he phoned a man down in Agassiz , who was hunting Sasquatch too . He get through to the guy okay and I hear him say he needs over eight hundred dollars , he tells that guy to send the money to the Credit Union here in Bella Coola . He got it just like that ! Over a thousand bucks by the time he traded in his American money for Canadian money . I think there is still a few Sasquatch families around . Up the Talchako River , Kitlope River , Skowquiltz River and in South Bentinck . They travel long ways , cover a lot of ground in a day . I think someday someone will get a Sasquatch . I could have got one long ago if I wanted to kill one . I just couldn 't kill it . I couldn 't kill one for a million dollars , a Sasquatch looks too much like a man . About twenty years ago , I met a guy whose name was Bob Mackie from the United States . He was a young guy about twenty - five years old , from Washington State . He likes to hunt and guide . I met him in Bella Coola . He wanted to come with me to learn how to guide . He said " I don 't want pay , just feed me that 's all . " I told him he would have to get his assistant guide license and they were only sold at the head office over in Williams Lake . The young fellow who wanted to learn how to guide , wanted very much to come , but I just didn 't need four guides . My nephew , son and son - in - law . We flew back to Owikeno Lake with two hunters . Dusty took one guy to the Inzianan River . They were gone just short while and I heard an airplane , it sounded like it was going to land . It circled around and landed in the water then coasted up to our camp . I put my gumboots on and went out to meet the plane . A guy waves at me and I pulled the plane by a rope as far as I could to the shore . There on the plane was the young fellow who had wanted to be a guide , with his camera and a gun . He told me he had got his guiding license and all I had to do was sign my name and he would be able to guide for me . Dusty and George both got grizzly that morning for the hunters they took out . Two bears in a morning ! " It 's all finished now " I said . " We go home now . Close up and you guys can go home now on the plane . " It was around the end of October . We were at the Washwash cabin , Owikeno Lake , right up the head near the narrows . They said " All right . " Bob was going to come with me and get all the stuff and pack it into the cabin and help me close up for the year . Tents , stoves and stuff were about fifteen miles away . We got to pick all that up . After that we go home too . but like that , he wanted to come with me . Just the two of us and get all the stuff and pack it into the main cabin . The plane came in for George , Dusty and Obie . We packed some stuff in . George and Obie went hoe with them two hunters . After the plane was gone I told Bob Mackie " Okay , let 's go . We packed our stuff out of there . " We camped out over night . He don 't want no pay , this guy . He wants a grizzly bear for his pay . Okay , I say , we will hunt for a bear and I suppose you want a big one , hey ? " " Yeah " he said , " grizzly bear anyway . " We packed our stuff and grub into the boat and we took off . I had a big boat , big flat bottom skiff . Build like a little scow . A big motor on it . We can sleep in this boat if we have to . I run about another four more miles down the Owikeno Lake to the camp . I see something swimming in the water . I looked at it , gee it look like a bear . It was coming toward us . I slow the motor down to a slow idle . This thing was coming right straight for us . I looked at it . Bob was a looking too . I reversed that motor then backed up so we just keep still . That thing still coming toward us . I see his ears , I look at it . Getting pretty close and is about fifty feet away now . Bob said , " It 's a black bear , " Yeah , - maybe it 's a black bear , " I said . Black head , little white around its nose . Bob Mackie picked up his gun . " No , don 't shoot him " I said . " Too much like work to drag him up on the beach . " We stand together and keep looking at it . That things still coming toward us . And right at once he humped up and dived down under the water . " Black bear ? ? " he said . " No , it 's not a black bear " I said . " Something very different than a black bear . Black bear don 't dive like that . " " Grizzly bear will stick his head in the water but not a black bear , " I said . I have seen grizzly bear dive in with front part feeling around for fish but black bear just don 't do that . He went right under and never came up again . We got out of there quick . I don 't know what that was . It weren 't no bear ! It wasn 't a seal and it wasn 't a sea - lion . [ Note : Owikeno Lake monster ? ] " Let 's go ! " I said . We go to the Neechanz River . I ran up the river about a mile in the boat . We landed , packed our grub and stuff . Got a little bit of wood for a camp fire at night . Cooked something to eat . The next day Bob Mackie shot his bear . He finally got his bear , a grizzly all right . Not very big , but he was satisfied with it . A silver - tipped one . Nice silver - tip . We skinned that bear as fast as we can skin him . Packed the tent and stuff in the boat and took off . Take this bear skin with us too . I told Bob , " If we see another grizzly bear , a bigger one , you take it too . I 'll take the one you got . " We didn 't see any more bears though . We went through the First Narrows , then the Second Narrows . Just as we passed the Second Narrows is the Third Narrows . There some pilings there , they look like logs sticking up out of the water . I saw this thing stick its head out of the water , I looked at it . I point it out to Mackie . " Seal playing , " I said . Bob picked up his gun right away . That Bob Mackie had a powerful gun , a . 338 automatic . A real big bear gun all right . " If it 's a seal , shoot him " I told him . " I don 't like them seals in this country . They eat up all the fish and bust up the schools of Coho Salmon . Lot of Coho come up in here . And those seals chase them , then the Coho don 't bit for a long time , sometime don 't bite at all anymore . Too many seals in this country . " There are quite a few seals in that Owikeno Lake . We looked at it close . It had its head up , way up . Had a long skinny neck , not fat , kinda bent over . Pretty black and dark . Smallish head too . I don 't notice any ears . I can see its head sideways . Look like it had eyes , but big eyes . Mouth closed , no teeth . Look like a big snake but had a different kind of head on it . From the head to shoulder I could see it . That thing had shoulders like an animal . Body of an animal , neck to head was quite long , about five feet ! ! This young fellow aimed , he was a deadly shot , he can 't miss . And he aimed and then he looked at me . " Go ahead , " I said . I stood beside him . He had . 338 rifle , powerful gun . One shot can kill a griz real easy . He aimed for quite a while . We were pretty close now , about a hundred feet from him . That gun finally went off , BANG ! And I kick the boat ahead toward where that thing went down . I think he hit him all right , couldn 't have missed . He went down when Mackie shot . Head went in the water . I don 't know if he killed it or if that thing just dived in the water . I think he probably killed it , hit its head . That animal went down under the water and sun , I kicked ahead right where he went down under the water . I looked for blood , or fat coming to the top of the water . When you shoot seals or sea - lions in the water there will be blood or fat or bubbles coming up . But there was no blood . No fat . No bubbles . Maybe we were too close , bullet go through like a pinhole or go right through that thing 's head . Maybe the bullet hit a big bone inside . That lake water was kind of clear . I look where the thing went down to the bottom . I see a black thing down there , a big black thing , just all black . I couldn 't make a shape how he looked like . Was big , bigger than the biggest grizzly bear . While I was looking that thing come alive , looked like it . While we were looking down there it started paddling , kicking ahead like a big board backing up and churning the water . The water was boiling , coming up at us . Looked like he was taking off , away from us . Suddenly Bob said " Go on , get going . " I put the boat motor in gear and I opened it up wide open and we got out of there . We still had about six miles to go . Just past the Third Narrows , the lake opens up again . Bob said , " Run the boat right up on the beach , I don 't want to stay in the water any longer . " I had it going wide open . I ran the boat wide open to the cabin and ran it up on the shore by the cabin . We packed the stove and gear into the cabin . After that I said to Bob , " What was that you shot out there in the Narrows ? " " It was a dinosaur , they were around about a million years ago , but there shouldn 't be any more around . You 'll see a picture of it someday , you 'll see the name of it - dinosaur . Maybe you see it on television , " he said . " How come I don 't see teeth ? " I asked . He said , " there are two kinds of dinosaurs . One dinosaur , a flesh eater , eats meat , he kills animals ; this one eats leaves and vegetation like from trees . That is the kind I shot , that is the kind we seen . " When we got back to Bella Coola we don 't talk about what happened because we think people will laugh at us , say we are bullshitting them . I never heard of anyone else seeing that thing that year . I know the Rivers Inlet Indians from the Owikeno Village don 't want to travel them narrows at night . When they come to our camp , they always want to take off before dark . Get out of there before it gets too late in the day . I hear stories that they are scared of them things . I talked to some relation of David Bernard a Rivers Inlet Indian , after that . That guy told me David Bernard saw the same animal many years before we saw it . This goes a bit beyond the Sasquatch chapter but thought it was of interest . I tried to disengage the auto - correct system , but at one point I sat here staring at the screen 's page as the colorful Mack inflections auto - corrected themselves . I apologize . All the linguistic corrections ( though some are quite visible ) in Mack 's unique delivery takes away from his whimsical quirks and the mettle of the man he was . He died in 1993 . At the end of the stories Mack recounts , you will wonder what was real and what was imagined . According to the foreword in the book , Mark Hume reveals , " it 's all true . Every word is true . " If Clayton Mack was at all trying to weave an entertaining tale , he certainly lacked the embellishments of the usually storyteller . I 'm not trying to sell the Clayton Mack stories one way or the other , but rather leave the conclusion to the reader for whatever they may determine for themselves . The other point I found interesting was his consistency in noting the Sasquatch encounters happened very late in the day or during the night . That point lends credibility to what has already been established . Mack had no way to know that otherwise . I was also intrigued at the constant divulgement that Sasquatches in the region of Bella Coola seemingly shared territory with black bear and grizzlies . This may speak to their like - intake of food ; or perhaps their ability to get along with ill - tempered grizzlies and black bear . Perhaps they are opportunistic in sharing kills between themselves , who knows ? I wonder if there is some sort of plebeian thread between bears and Boqs ? Sasquatch field researchers ( that I am aware of ) don 't usually pass across grizzly territory unless by accident . At least I don 't . I 'll walk several miles to avoid known bear ranges . It didn 't occur to me the Sasquatch and bear shared the same territory . So I learned something . This must have come as quite a shock for the world 's greatest bear hunter . We should no longer be very surprised when witnesses confuse bear with Sasquatch , for even at close range , the best in bear hunters could hardly tell the difference until the Sasquatch stood up . Then there seemed to be little doubt in Clayton 's mind what the figure was once it stood up . Trace Unknown is the collection of fieldwork , and research of Barbara Ann Campbell . Her background includes UFO research , alien encounters & abductions , missing & gained time , paranormal , physical landing trace cases , unexplained animal deaths , and Bigfoot . ( NWSURC , SPPRC Inc . , UADR , CPTE , & Trace Unknown . ) In her capacity as forensic researcher , she appeared on MonsterQuest 's Cattle Killers episode . Houston , B . C . Canada - Home of Trace Unknown . There are so many opportunities out here . Houston has not even realised its true potential ! We are looking for the right entrepreneurs . Do you have what it takes ? Third - hand information : two or more Bigfoot were seen at Fulton Lake . These sightings occurred last year , as well as this year . I am wai . . . Coywolves have been seen , but not yet confirmed , in the Evelyn and Moricetown areas , going back to the 1980 's . Coywolf , sometimes called woyote , is an informal term for a canid hybrid descended from coyotes and gray wolves . - Wikipedia . Third - hand information : two or more Bigfoot were seen at Fulton Lake . These sightings occurred last year , as well as this year . I am wai . . . ( Updated ) Possible Bigfoot tracks . Never know , could be moose too . Doug has yet to confirm it , but he says he seen what looked like snows . . .
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Jeffrey didn 't fit in at his prestigious private boarding school . He had always been one of the marginal kids there because he wasn 't athletic , he didn 't have an effervescent , engaging personality , and he was super smart . But this year , after an incident on the soccer field , his not fitting in had turned into something much worse . After one of the popular kids had turned against him , his marginal status had changed . Now , no one would have anything to do with him , a cruel isolation which he was forced to accept even while not understanding it , even as day by day it cut deeper into his very soul . In his mind , he was just like all the other boys at school : the same height , same weight , same build , even the same color hair , same interests , same tastes . The same worries and dreams . So why was he having to live with the treatment that he was facing every day ? Scott , the boy responsible for Jeffrey 's downfall , had a large following at the school where he was both admired and feared . He was tall , blond , handsome and , to complete the picture , a terrific athlete . He was also , in his spare time , one of the school 's main bullies with the conscience of a rattlesnake . If you were in his favor , things were good for you . But if you were in his gunsights , beware ! He had a lot of influence at the school , he had even more with the other students and he wasn 't reluctant to use it . On the day when Jeffrey 's problems started , Scott was captaining the gym class soccer team that Jeffrey was on . Jeffrey was playing defender , where he was usually assigned because he was slow , clumsy , uncoordinated and didn 't have his heart in the game . One of the larger boys on the opposing team , a boy with a habit of steamrolling over smaller boys , broke through the midfielders and raced toward the goal Jeffrey was defending . Jeffrey knew he was supposed to stop him somehow , get the ball away , pass it back up the field , be a game - saving hero . Instead , he flinched , made only the most superficial of attempts to stop the bigger boy , then turned and watched as that boy easily ran past him , faked out the keeper and scored . It was the winning goal . And almost before it hit the back of the net , Scott was in Jeffrey 's face . " You 're a coward ! A pussy ! I saw what you did . Instead of stopping him , you just let him get past you ! You didn 't even try ! You 're a fucking coward ! You cost us the game ! A candy - ass pussy ! Even queers are better than you ! That 's what you are , a queer ! A fucking gay loser . Get out of here . Nobody wants you here . Beat it , gay boy ! " And he shoved him hard enough that Jeffrey fell down . Scott looked down at him , drew back his foot to kick him and saw Jeffrey flinch again . " Hah ! You really are a little coward , aren 't you ? A little gay bitch . You putting out for all the other fags here , huh , gay boy ? Keeping them happy ? " Jeffrey didn 't have the slightest idea what to do . He looked to the sidelines to see if the gym teacher was there , but he 'd turned and had starting his trek back to the school when the final goal had been scored . He was out of earshot by the time Scott was confronting Jeffrey . And then , this angry confrontation , it was all too much , happening all too quickly . As the game had been drawing to a close , Jeffrey 'd been daydreaming about a book he 'd been reading , Ivanhoe , ironically written by a guy named Scott , just before the big kid had raced at him with the ball , had passed him and scored , and now here he was , lying on the ground . Scott was yelling insults at him , and whereas the one adult who 'd been watching the game had left , many of the other kids were standing there witnessing what was occurring . What Jeffrey ended up doing was lying still till Scott got tired of yelling and stomped off . Jeffrey thought that would be the end of it . It wasn 't . From then on , whenever Scott , and then his posse of five friends , saw him , they 'd shout abuse at him , abuse which invariably included the word ' gay ' . Jeffrey always reacted the same way . If he was walking past them , he just kept walking . If they surrounded him so he couldn 't walk away , he simply retreated into himself during their vitriol - shrinking back and hanging his head and not responding at all to the words or the bumps and shoves that accompanied them . There was an unfortunate consequence to this . Other boys saw his behavior and began having nothing to do with him . They didn 't want to be caught in the crossfire . Some more or less agreed with the insults because he never fought back ; he must really be a coward , and probably gay . Some simply didn 't want to be anywhere near the bullies , afraid it would be their turn next . Something Jeffrey didn 't understand came from all this , too . The initial verbal attack by Scott on the soccer field had consisted of what were generally common and unfocused insults . But the word ' gay ' had been used . Then the word had been included in all the later hazing incidents . Now , he seemed to be thought of as gay by the whole school . That , and the rest of the treatment he 'd been receiving , had slowly separated him from all the other boys . Jeffrey had become a pariah simply because of the verbal abuse that never let up . And that label . After Scott 's decree , no one would have anything to do with Jeffrey . He had the misfortune of having a roommate , Joel , who happened to be a member of Scott 's inner circle of friends . He too was a jock and not very bright , and in the school only because his father donated a fortune to the school every year . Joel and Jeffrey had almost nothing in common and had never been friends . After Jeffrey became the targeted boy , Joel treated him with overt contempt . He didn 't speak to Jeffrey unless it was to insult him , and mostly gave him the same silent treatment most of the other boys at school now gave him . He kept this up even when they were alone in their room . What hurt Jeffrey most , he realized , was being alone . Being isolated was a constant reminder that no one liked him - that he was different from them , even if he didn 't know why . He found , at 13 , it was exceptionally harsh and cruel punishment being kicked out of the pack . But that was what had happened to him . The teachers didn 't help . As Jeffrey 's dejection deepened , as his misery grew , he often caught sight of teachers watching . When he was knocked down in the hallways or tormented with derisive shouts on the lawns , he saw teachers looking away , acting as though they were unaware of how he was being treated . The administration had been no help , either . He 'd eventually found the courage , through desperation , to tell someone in the school offices what was happening . Jeffrey was summarily sent to a counselor . He stepped into the man 's office cautiously . He knew what he had to say wasn 't very manly . He knew it made him look weak , but he was close to his breaking point and felt things had to change . If that meant he had to talk to someone , then so be it . Mr . Deitrick was sitting behind his desk . He made Jeffrey stand in front of his desk waiting until he finished reading the report he had in his hands , which to Jeffrey seemed to take forever . Then the man looked up . " What ? " he said , his tone imperious . Jeffrey started to talk about how he was being treated . He had a hard time controlling his tears , but did his best and only leaked a few . Mr . Deitrick watched him , unmoved by Jeffrey 's obvious agitation , and then , when Jeffrey was finally finished , asked him , " Who is your roommate , and who was it who said those things to you on the soccer field ? " Mr . Deitrick 's expression changed just a bit . Jeffrey , suffering from his own demons , didn 't notice . " Well , " Mr . Deitrick finally said , " it sounds to me like you need to grow some backbone . You need to tell those guys to lay off . I 'd change your roommate but I 've only heard your side of this and Joel might say you 're exaggerating , and in any case , we don 't have any empty rooms . Besides , I can 't just move another boy into your room ; wouldn 't be fair to him . No , Jeffrey , the thing is , we 're not in the babysitting business here . This is the sort of thing you have to learn to handle on your own . Now run along , I 'm busy , and you 've got your answer . Just go tell them to stop what they 're doing . " Jeffrey left Mr . Deitrick 's office feeling worse than when he 'd gone in . What was left for him to do ? Calling his father would be entirely useless . He had no one to talk to here . What could he do ? What was so bad about him , anyway ? Why did he deserve this sort of treatment ? Was it the ' gay ' label ? He heard other people being called gay , but they made some sort of remark back and laughed and the slur was forgotten . With him , the label had stuck for no reason he could discern . He thought maybe it was because he hadn 't laughed it off , hadn 't done anything but walked away when it was all over , simply looking weak and unable to defend himself when Scott had finally tired of berating him . Maybe that was why , or maybe they really did believe the label was true . Jeffrey didn 't know if he was gay , or even exactly what that meant . Gay boys were supposed to do disgusting things with other boys , weren 't they ? Well , he 'd never done anything with anyone . He did find some boys attractive , but he thought that was natural . Didn 't everyone have those feelings ? It didn 't seem at all wrong to feel how he felt . He thought about girls , too , even though he really didn 't know any as his was solely a boys ' school . He was 13 , and the vague and undirected feelings he 'd had for the past year or so were now getting more insistent . But those weren 't his strongest feelings . What he felt most was great sadness and loneliness , despair and isolation . And , of course , confusion . Why him ? He was just the same as everyone else … wasn 't he ? And if he really was gay , would he deserve this treatment ? And did the guys calling him gay really believe it , or were they just doing what they did because they enjoyed seeing him suffer ? Because it made them feel powerful ? Because they could ? It was just a few boys who took delight in tormenting him , and the rest took their cue from them and either halfheartedly joined in or left him alone in their own best interests . Jeffrey didn 't know the answers . He just knew his situation was too much for him . He couldn 't take it any longer . He was isolated and tormented daily , had no friends , no hope of friends , and the adults turned a blind eye . And for the life of him , he had no idea what to do about it . Eventually , he did try one more thing . Each floor of his dormitory had a head boy nominally in charge . It was usually a senior . He was supposed to keep order , keep the floor quiet during study hours , make sure all the other rules were obeyed , and on occasion would counsel the boys who came to him for help . Jeffrey had never spoken to the head boy on his floor before because Ted , which was his name , was the sociable , happy - go - lucky sort who was quickly friends with all the boys on the floor rather than their overseer . He seemed both immature and frivolous and Jeffrey didn 't see how he could be of any help at all , and thought it likely the boy would be against him the same way everyone else was . But , in his desperate need to find someone to help him - even if it was simply someone to talk to - he decided to go to Ted . He went to his room , and after knocking and being told to enter , did so . Ted was smiling and had his earbuds in , listening to his iPod . He was nodding to the music as he gestured for Jeffrey to sit down . Then he turned the music off , pulled out the earbuds , and said , " What 's on your mind . It 's Jeffrey isn 't it ? " Jeffrey was surprised . Ted 's smile quickly faded but he didn 't try to stop what Jeffrey was saying . He listened and rather soon stood up and closed the door . Jeffrey kept talking , kept spilling his woes out on this other boy , and Ted listened . Eventually , Jeffrey ran dry and stopped . He hung his head , exhausted , still sure Ted would dismiss him as easily as Mr . Deitrick had . He wasn 't expecting anything at all like what he got . " This is a good school , generally . Most of the kids here are great guys . We have some excellent teachers , too . But not everything here is great . And if you get involved with what 's wrong with this school , it can be very hard for you . It sounds like you 're in the middle of some of that . You 're not the first . This has happened to other boys here . " Ted talked to Jeffrey for some minutes , telling him things that had happened at the school in the past , and recently , too . Some of the things were shocking . Ted didn 't spare him the details . When he was finished , he reached out and put a comforting hand on Jeffrey 's shoulder . " Usually it goes one of a few ways with these guys . Usually they get what they want from the guy they 're hassling . Or , if the guy fights back and puts up a giant fuss or gets his parents involved , they may stop . Or they can simply get tired of treating the guy like they have . But , if they do that , they always seem to end up finding someone else to go after . That 's the nature of bullies . They like the feeling of power they get , doing the things they do unchecked . " Jeffrey didn 't understand , and wrinkled his forehead , thinking . He asked , " You said they want something , that usually they get what they want . All they 've ever done is pushed me around and called me names . They 've never asked for anything . What do they want ? " Ted looked away , but he did answer . " Different boys want different things . Money , maybe . Doing their homework for them . Sex . It just depends . They soften their victims up , like they 're doing with you , then tell them what they want to make the abuse stop . Most boys either give in or leave the school . But it doesn 't always end up that way . " Ted turned to him , just looking , then dropped his eyes . He stood gazing out his window for some time before returning his eyes to Jeffrey . " You saw how well that worked for you . If you want my advice , it 's this : it would be best for you if you could transfer to another school . But if that won 't work , I 'm sorry , you 're on your own . I can 't do much about your problem . My hands are tied . I only have so much power , and it isn 't anywhere near enough to do anything about this . If I actually see them going after you , I can stop it . But that 's about all I can do . Doing anything after the fact wouldn 't be possible . So transfer . Find a way to do that . " It was the last day before the end of the term , and partying was in full swing in the dorms . The boys in charge of the floors were either looking the other way or were having their own parties and weren 't around to police things . Ted was attending a party in another dorm where the seniors roomed . Jeffrey was by himself , of course , in his room reading . Then , five boys , two of them Scott and Joel , burst in , shouting , grabbed him , stripped him naked , and carried him up and down the hall , yelling . All the doors along the hallway opened , and boys came out to watch the procession , shouting gleefully when they saw what was happening . Very quickly , someone got the idea to decorate Jeffrey , and then all sorts of stuff was thrown at and poured on him , from ketchup to toothpaste to Pepsi , from laundry soap to chocolate sauce to the worst : shampoo . It was the shampoo that caused the problem . It made him slippery , and some got in one eye , burning it and causing him to shriek and wriggle even harder to get free so he could wipe his eye . Being slippery and jerking around so violently made him difficult to hold , and he was dropped . Who knew whether it was intentional , but his arms slipped out of the grip of the boys holding them before his legs came loose . He hit the floor hard , smacking his head so sharply he saw flashes of light , and then his other end finally dropped , banging his hip so that a sharp pain shot through his entire leg . Everyone laughed , and made taunting remarks as Jeffrey frantically tried to wipe his eye , but he had shampoo on his fingers and rubbing his eye just made it worse . He didn 't even try to get up . He was dizzy , feeling sick , naked and covered with sticky mess and now both eyes were stinging like crazy . He writhed on the floor as the boys around him in the hall laughed and jeered . He screamed as he frantically tried to clear his eyes , but that only made his throat hurt and didn 't do anything for the pain . Eventually , as his agony went on and on , it became less interesting and some of the boys started to think what they were watching and laughing over wasn 't quite as funny as they 'd first thought and began to feel something close to embarrassment . In twos and threes , the boys went back to their groups and back to their rooms . Jeffrey lay alone on the floor , naked , sick and filthy . His crying was slowly diluting the shampoo in his eyes , but they still hurt as badly as his hip . When he did finally manage to get up , minutes later , he could barely walk due to the pain in his hip . This might have saved him because he still had shampoo on his feet , and his taking exceptionally small steps to minimize the pain in his hip kept his feet from sliding out from under him on the vinyl - tiled hallway floor . He slid along a wall for support and made it to the showers , where he was able to clean himself by sitting on the floor and letting the water wash over him . He had no towel , so had to painfully hobble back to his room naked , shivering and dripping . On the way he met Joel and some other boys . Joel pushed him and Jeffrey fell again ; after that the pain in his hip was even worse . The jeers that followed him , which included the word ' gay ' used repetitively , stung almost as badly as his injuries . It wasn 't the words themselves ; it was the knowledge that none of these boys cared that he was hurt and in pain . He was weeping with both pain and despair when he finally fell onto his bed . So , Jeffrey came to a decision . He was home now and had been going over and over what had happened to him and his life in general at school and had decided : he wasn 't going back . He knew what that meant . It meant standing up to his father . He 'd never been able to do that . Not once . Now , he would . Not that he expected his father to capitulate . What his father decided was always what ended up happening ; his father had always had his own way in Jeffrey 's 13 years of life . His father had always been in control , never Jeffrey . And there 'd already been a discussion , before Jeffrey had first gone away to school nearly three years earlier . Jeffrey had pleaded his case then and been ignored , as he always was . Jeffrey knew his opinion meant nothing to his father . So when Jeffrey decided he wasn 't going back , it was more than simply deciding to tell his father that . No , it meant planning what to do when his father made whatever disparaging remarks he would make and told Jeffrey the matter wasn 't up for discussion , that he needed to act like a man for once in his life and get on with life at the school . Jeffrey started his deliberations thinking that there was nothing he could do to help himself . But Jeffrey was his father 's son , and his father was smart and determined , even though as far as Jeffrey was concerned he was an abysmal failure as a father . So Jeffrey thought , and planned , and after moving past the dark point of no return in his thinking , he eventually hit upon an idea . The idea generated a glimmer of hope ; he thought , and planned some more , and discarded the fantastical ideas that wouldn 't work . He considered other possibilities , and thought some more , and came up with the seedlings of a plan , which then began to sprout . It took time , but Jeffrey had time , and worked it all out . Finally , he was ready . Knocking on the door of his father 's den , Jeffrey 's heart was racing as it always did when confronting the man . His father never saw anything from Jeffrey 's perspective and never tried to . To him , Jeffrey was like any one of his possessions , to be done with as he pleased . His father was only interested in Jeffrey to the degree that he himself was involved . Jeffrey was someone who could make him look good or bad , and he simply would not accept the latter . " Yes ? " From inside . Jeffrey took a deep breath . The door that stood closed in front of him was solid , made of dark oak , and it was as unemotional and unsentimental as Jeffrey was sure his father would be . Jeffrey opened the door and went into the room . It was a large and opulently furnished office . A handmade oriental rug covered a dark hardwood floor . Tall French windows overlooking a manicured lawn made up one wall . Two of the others had floor - to - ceiling bookcases full of leather - bound books that Jeffrey was unaware of his father ever reading . The wall behind his father 's desk had an enormous oil painting on it . It wasn 't a landscape or portrait ; it was a painting of a large industrial plant , the first one his father had built and one he still owned . His father sat behind a desk that was huge , made of mahogany and highly polished . Its surface was completely bare . The man himself sat in a high - backed black - leather executive chair , holding a financial report he had been reading . He glared at Jeffrey . " Make this brief . I 'm busy . " His unwelcoming face was stern , and his look was one or two wrinkles away from an exasperated frown . Jeffrey knew not to hesitate or falter . If he did , the conversation would be about his lack of proper diction and elocution rather than what he 'd come to say . He stood as straight as he could in front of the desk , took a deep breath and began . " Father , I 'm having a very bad time at school . I have no friends , the other boys give me a very hard time , and the teachers won 't help . I 've been physically abused as well and was injured just before coming home . I 've decided . I 'm not going back . " " Nonsense ! You 've decided ? Hmmph ! I went to that school . It 's a good place . They turn boys into men , and heaven knows you need that . Of course you 're going back and will continue to do so until you graduate . You 're a weak and useless child still , and wanting to quit now is a perfect example of that . You don 't stand up for yourself . No wonder no one wants anything to do with you ! I wouldn 't have either when I was there . I chose strong boys for friends , not boys like you ! I was somebody at that school . " He paused , studying the boy now trembling in front of him . " Quitting is out of the question . When you return , eventually you 'll learn to handle yourself ; you 'll be forced to in order to survive . And that will be good for you . If it takes being knocked around some till you get some grit in you , enough to fight back , then so be it . Don 't come crying to me , expecting me to fight your battles . Now , go away . I don 't have time for whining . " Jeffrey had begun to shake during his father 's rant , but he didn 't go . He stayed and asked , anguish in his voice , " Father , won 't you listen ? Please listen . " " I told you , Jeffrey : go ! Do you good to suffer some ; build some spine in you . Some character . Toughen you up . " His father turned back to the report he 'd been reading , dismissing his son . Jeffrey turned and walked away . It had been nothing he hadn 't expected ; in fact , the meeting had gone exactly as he 'd thought it would . So . It was now time to put the rest of his plan into action . The next morning Jeffrey phoned the local newspaper . He gave his name , and his father 's name , and asked to speak to Ms . Meadows , the features editor . He was connected . " This is Eileen Meadows . How can I help you ? " " Ms . Meadows , thank you for talking to me . I 'm Jeffrey Rollins . My father is Parker Rollins ; I 'm sure you know who he is . I will agree to an interview that will be of great interest to your paper if you 'll send a photographer and reporter out to my house today at 11 AM . I 'll be waiting at the curb in front of the house . " He didn 't need to give her the address . He lived in the largest house on the largest property in town . Everyone knew where Parker Rollins lived . Jeffrey was pleased with her response . He 'd thought that she might hang up when she heard his voice . " You 'll find that out when we talk face to face . Not beforehand . But I will tell you , you 'll be happy you accepted my offer , and will want the story for your paper , probably Sunday 's edition where it 'll get more circulation . What I was thinking was a two - part article . You 'd sell more Monday papers that way , also . " Ms . Meadows was surprised . She was hearing a young voice , a boy 's voice , and a tentative one at that , and boys just didn 't call the paper , and certainly didn 't ask for her . She was curious why he was doing so and why what he 'd said sounded so , well , so mature when the voice was obviously that of a very young teen . The clincher , of course , was the boy 's father . Anything involving Parker Rollins was newsworthy . Still , she hadn 't risen to her current position without being professional . " I 'm sorry , Jeffrey , but I need something more than just your promise . You sound young . How old are you ? " " I 'm old enough that I know what will make a good story . " Jeffrey was getting into his stride now . He 'd never been shy talking to most adults ; he wasn 't his father 's son for nothing . He did back down easily when they were confrontational or angry or dismissive , but that wasn 't happening here . This conversation was more like a negotiation , he was being treated politely , and he found it was going much better than he 'd hoped . " Readers love stories about rich people and some of the messes they get into . My father is well known in this community ; he employs a significant number of people in this city ; you might take that into consideration . All you 're risking is a little bit of time , and I 'm telling you that the reward will be worth it . That 's all I have to say at this time . I understand that news - gathering and reporting is a competitive business , especially for newspapers these days . " He paused briefly , then finished by saying , " In the interest of fairness , I must tell you , you 're not the only one who 'd like to have this story . I 'll be expecting your photographer and someone to interview me at 11 this morning , and your promise that will happen . Otherwise , I 'm calling Channel 5 . " It didn 't take more than another twenty seconds before he hung up . When he did , he 'd extracted the promise he 'd wanted . He took a deep breath , and then another , and made his second call . Jeffrey still had to make his props . When he was done , he prepared himself and sat at the curb in front of his house . The curb was well away from the house as the front lawn was expansive . Jeffrey knew what the effect would be , his standing with the mansion providing a background , with the lawn and flower beds between him and the spectacular house . It would make a picture that would draw eyes and hold them . So , he was sitting at the curb , knowing the photographer who was coming would immediately see a shot worth taking . He 'd only been at the curb for a few minutes when the people from the paper arrived . He stood up . The news people were startled . The boy was wearing nothing but a piece of old toweling , a holey one at that which didn 't cover everything it needed to cover very discreetly , and he was holding a sign made of cardboard which contained words in black felt - tip pen reading , ' Young boy for sale to a good family ; hardly used ; inquire within . ' The photographer 's eyes lit up . Eileen , who had been intrigued and had come herself , put a hand on his arm and said , " Wait a sec . We don 't know what we have here . " " Sure we do , " the photographer said , " page one , above the fold . " He started snapping without even leaving the car . When Eileen got out and told the boy who she was , he smiled , a bit weakly , a bit sadly , but smiled , and the photographer caught it perfectly . In the photo the smile would be wan and appealing . Jeffrey told her , " Thank you for living up to your word . And for believing me , at least enough to come . " " We need to talk . " Eileen was somewhat disturbed by the boy 's lack of clothing . But she was in the news business , so why not let the photographer get a couple of shots ? She didn 't know if she could get them into the paper . The boy was obviously young . He was skinny with his ribs showing . There might well be legal issues here . But , there also might be a very compelling story . " We can talk . I want to talk . But why not take some photos first ? " Jeffrey smiled again , this time with more sincerity if not much wattage . It was a very becoming smile . Eileen didn 't even have to agree . The photographer was already posing Jeffrey , who did as asked but also managed to make sure the sign was always in the picture and for those shots there was no trace of a smile on his lips . The photographer made sure the holey towel was as provocative as possible without crossing the line into indecency . When the shots had been taken and the photographer was satisfied , Eileen asked where they could talk . " Not here , " Jeffrey said . " It shouldn 't be on my father 's property . I 'm not sure of the law , but he may have less ability to complain about what 's printed if the interview wasn 't conducted on private property - his private property . That 's why I stood in the street in front of his lawn for the pictures . " " Well , see , that 's my problem with interviewing you , " Eileen said . " You 're under age , and in any event , if you 're going to talk about him , he 's not a public figure in the sense that a politician is , and as an individual he has a right to privacy . A teenager complaining about his father isn 't really news and certainly not anything we 'd want to print . I 'm sorry about that . " " OK , then , " said Jeffrey , " but you don 't really know what I 'm going to say , so you can 't be sure about anything , and as my father is about to be a public figure , a very public figure - something I 'm about to make sure happens - that point may be moot . But if you want to back off , that 's fine . " He stepped over to the news van and glanced in the window at the clock on the dashboard . " The TV people are due in forty - five minutes , and I believe their scruples aren 't nearly as evolved as yours . I think they 'll like the outfit . " And he twirled around , causing the towel to rise and momentarily , causing Jeffrey to blush and proving without question that underwear wasn 't a part of his costume . " I think you might regret your decision when you see their piece . But , all 's fair in love and business . At least that 's what my father says . " Jeffrey , sounding very determined , continued , saying , " But I 'll give you guys a plug just for coming out and talking to me . I 'll mention in the TV interview how I offered this to you first , and you turned it down . " Eileen groaned internally . This kid had moxie , and she had a decision to make . This was an attractive , articulate boy , and if he wanted to talk , why not let him ? She could always hold off on printing whatever he had to say until she 'd talked to the editor - in - chief . And passed it by their legal department . Jeffrey told her there was a city park just down the street , and the two walked there after Jeffrey was shod and had put on a shirt and a pair of shorts he 'd stashed behind a nearby tree . Eileen had sent the photographer away once Jeffrey was dressed ; she knew he wouldn 't make nearly the impact clothed he made wearing just the towel , carrying his sign . In the park , the two sat on a bench that was off the path , a bench that gave them some privacy . " Now , some ground rules , " Jeffrey said , taking control , much to Eileen 's surprise . The boy was thin and not very tall , his voice hadn 't broken and was very much a child 's voice , and he seemed nervous in his mannerisms . Yet when he spoke to her , he didn 't come across as the timid creature he appeared to be . " You 're a reporter , right ? I mean , you 're an editor , but I 've seen your byline in the paper . It 's why I asked for you . " " Good . OK . The way I see it on TV , reporters always record their interviews , probably to refute their victims when they say they were misquoted . " " All right . Then here 's the deal . You record what we both say , and I get a copy of the tape . I also get a copy of a transcript of what 's on the tape , and a copy of your printed story before it runs in the paper . If I object , you won 't run it . " Eileen opened her mouth , but Jeffrey forestalled her . " Don 't worry , I 'm not going to do anything with those things that would prevent you from running the story . I want you to run the story . I need help , which is why I 'm doing this . I need help , and that help will come from my having the transcript . If the story runs in the paper , it 'll be even better , but I 'm not counting on that . I am counting on the picture . I need that to run . But the transcript is going to be the clincher for what I want . " It 'll really just save me some time , getting that . I could type one myself from the tape of the interview , but one with your logo and letterhead on the pages - that would be best . " He saw she wasn 't convinced , so went on . " If you don 't agree with this " - he reached for her hand , then turned it so he could see her watch - " I still have time to get back to meet the TV people , and I can easily make a tape of what goes on the air . I can record that myself and make my own transcript . However , as I said , I 'd really rather do this with you guys , and with your paper involved . Things in the paper have more gravitas , and words on paper last longer . My picture , and your article if you write it , would have more of the effect I want and would be better for me all around . " Eileen studied him for a moment before turning away to think . There was something about the boy , and about how serious he was about what he was doing and about the obvious thought he 'd put into this . Most of his conditions for the interview , while strange , weren 't onerous , and she realized she not only wanted to believe him , she wanted to hear what this was all about . Her nose for a story was twitching . " OK , Jeffrey . I 'll accept your conditions , as long as you retract the one about being able to stop us from printing the story . I can 't promise we will print it because there very well might be legal constraints due to your age , but if we decide to go ahead , we can 't allow you to have the right to stop it . " Jeffrey pretended he needed to think about that , but in reality , he was ecstatic . He 'd won ! He 'd only added the provision that he could prevent the story from running as a negotiating ploy , knowing that they wouldn 't agree to it , and so he 'd have something to give back to them if they agreed . He wanted the story to run . He remembered his father 's scathing words and similar words he 'd been hearing for years . He well remembered being told to stand up for himself . That was exactly what he was now doing . Eileen smiled . " We 've got a deal then . " She got a small tape recorder out of her bag and set it on the bench , then turned it on . Before Jeffrey could say anything , however , she looked at him and said , " Gravitas ? " He got a wry grin on his face . " I go to boarding school . A very prestigious one , actually - and also one that 's very highly regarded for its academics . I get very good grades . " But that was the lead - in Jeffrey wanted . " I go to the Montgomery Crest Academy . You know about it because it 's only 50 miles from here . It 's one of the top private schools in the country . " " I 've been there for three years now . And I hate it . " He paused to clear his throat . Just thinking about the place had a distressing effect on him . " The first two years were bad , but this year was horrible . No , actually worse than horrible . " He had to stop then . Eileen could see the boy 's anguish and immediately felt a motherly feeling she never felt while doing her job . It surprised her . Jeffrey 's angst was obvious , and there was a personal appeal about the boy and his vulnerability that affected her . Jeffrey cleared his throat again and said , " I 'm sorry . I was hoping I could get through this without . . . . Anyway - " And he went on to tell her how this term had gone . He told her everything : his own confusion over being exiled , what had caused it , his being labeled as gay , that he had no idea if he was or not and how he didn 't even see why that should make any difference anyway . What he did that Eileen wasn 't expecting was , he named names . There were six boys who were the worst , especially his roommate , Joel , and Scott , a loud noise on the Montgomery Crest Academy campus . He supplied their last names as well . He also named the teachers who 'd seen him being bullied and knocked down in the halls and done nothing , and the school administrator who 'd passed him on to a counselor without helping , and the name of the counselor who 'd refused to get involved . When he 'd finished with the description of what had happened to him on the night he 'd been physically attacked , Eileen , shocked , had to break in . " Were you all right , afterward ? It sounds like you might have gotten a concussion . And what about your hip ? " Jeffrey smiled wanly at her . " I had a bad headache for four days afterwards and threw up once . I felt really weak , too , so I probably did have a concussion . But that next day I had to catch the train back home for the term break , and I didn 't have a choice . I had to go . " He stopped , remembering the resolve , the determination he 'd needed to catch that bus . Every fiber in him told him to stay in bed . But , though dizzy and weak , he 'd forced himself to get up , to move . " So , " he continued , " I got out of bed , didn 't eat breakfast because my stomach didn 't feel it could keep anything down , packed what I needed and somehow made it down to where the school bus picked up the boys heading to the station . It was difficult walking ; I was limping quite badly . I heard remarks about that from the other guys , too . I ignored them the best I could . I 've had to learn how to do that . " Eileen squirmed . This was difficult to listen to . But she didn 't interrupt him . She could hear tension in his voice as he struggled to tell his story and was afraid if she broke in that he might not be able to finish . He continued . " My hip has got better , and I 'm hardly limping at all now . It was just a bad bruise , I guess . I still sometimes see flashes of light , and my eyes will go out of focus for a second or two , but the headaches have stopped . I don 't think there 's any way to really treat a concussion anyway . What do they do , wrap a bandage around your head ? " He tried to make that a joke and tried to laugh to show that was what it was , but thinking about what he 'd gone through took all the humor out of it for him . His smile looked more like a grimace . Eileen didn 't smile either . He resumed his story . " I got home . It 's just my father and me . My mother left when I was two . You 'd have to ask her why . My opinion would be just that , an opinion . I suppose you could print my opinion , but it wouldn 't necessarily be factual . " Anyway , I live with my father when school isn 't in session . He doesn 't want me there and has no time for me , but that 's the way it works . I 've told him I don 't want to keep going to that school . He doesn 't listen . He never listens to anything I say . He never has . That you can print that . That 's true . " Eileen heard his voice getting stronger as he spoke . His intensity was ratcheting upwards as well . " He 's going to force me to go back , even after what just happened . He thinks I 'm weak and need to suffer to get stronger . He says it 's good for me , that it 'll toughen me up . But the suffering I went through didn 't make me tougher , it just hurt , and made me wonder if I wanted to keep living . Those were bad thoughts , but an even worse thought right now is having to return to that school . It 's awful there . Not for everyone ; some boys , the ones in charge , like it . But for the boys who get picked on , if the school won 't protect them , it 's horrible . I 'm going to tell you something now that you 'll have to research , but if you do , you 'll find it 's true . " The boys who give me the hardest time , the ones whose names I 've given you , are the sons of the school 's largest donors . The school turns a blind eye to anything they do . A boy who was being bullied there the first year I was there got badly hurt in gym class . The boy who hurt him is my current roommate , Joel . He bragged to his friends , the guys who harass me , how he 'd done it when he was acting as a spotter for the boy while he was lifting weights . That boy was in the hospital for weeks and never returned to the school . My roommate , Joel , didn 't receive any punishment at all . " I heard about all this from one of the boys who are charged with keeping order on the dorm floors . He heard about it from other seniors , and some of the boys themselves . But if you want facts , boys at the school can be questioned , and they 'll talk about what they know . And if the threat from boys like Scott and Joel is removed , other boys will come forward with stories of what 's happened to them . I know I would have if the police had ever questioned me . " " And last year , a boy ran away from the school in the middle of the term . They found him a week later , in the woods , dead . He 'd killed himself , using his tie to hang himself with . He 'd been horribly and incessantly bullied for weeks by Scott , the guy who yelled at me on the soccer field . He 'd tried to get help from the school and got the same treatment I got ; he was ignored . Because of rumors going round the school , the police questioned Scott about what he was doing when the boy ran off . He told them he was in the library with Joel at the time the boy was seen running away and for the rest of the day , and Joel corroborated it . But , I know and will tell you the names of two boys who told someone I know they saw Scott follow the boy into the woods . I also heard there was evidence the boy had been used for sex . DNA evidence was found . It should match Scott 's . " Jeffrey stopped for a moment , and when he resumed , there was steel in his voice that hadn 't been there moments before . " I 'm not going back there . My father says I am . I 'm not . I had to find a way of guaranteeing I wouldn 't go . I thought of two options . One was the Oratawny River Bridge and the rocks below it ; the other was talking to you and getting my problem publicized . I didn 't like the idea of the bridge much . There were pros and cons , and I thought them all through , considered all of them . The biggest con was that I 'd be dead , and that 's the one that really dissuaded me . I decided I really wanted to see what life could be like if I wasn 't lonely and scared all the time , and what it would be like to know that someone loved me . I didn 't want to die before seeing what that was like . So I 'm talking to you instead of choosing the bridge , and telling you I meant what was on my sign . I 'm for sale to a good family , and will go cheap . They can submit their bids to you . " Eileen turned off the recorder , knowing the interview as over . She spent some time simply looking at Jeffrey , gathering her thoughts . He looked back for a moment before turning his head away . She saw him reach up and brush at his eyes . When she saw that , she had to do the same thing . Neither spoke for several moments . Then Eileen said in a soft voice , " You know we can 't print a lot of what you said . We 'd have to fact - check all of it , and the school would throw up roadblocks , and your father would sue us for sure . " Jeffrey shook his head . " No , that isn 't true . Not entirely . You can run my story about trying to get sold to a good family . You can make it simply a human interest piece , or if you want , you can tantalize your audience by saying I gave you shocking reasons why I was trying to do that , but you 're not going to print them without further substantiation . You don 't have to write anything that 'll get you in trouble until you check it out . I didn 't really expect you to . " You have investigative reporters working for you . I called you , a feature writer , not the news desk , because I was sure they 'd balk at the idea . But you , you can do this as a humorous or ludicrous or weird piece . You can just do it that way , or you can include what those guys did to me last week . That happened , there were many witnesses , and you can easily get verification . As long as my picture is in the paper , that 's enough for me , but in my view , if you avoid all the rest of this and never print anything about it , you 'll be passing up the really big story that 's there for the taking . Newspapers are supposed to be cutting edge , aren 't they ? They 're supposed to take chances to get the good stories . They 're supposed to do in - depth investigating and reporting that TV stations don 't have the time or inclination to do . But all that 's up to you . What I want is my picture in the paper , along with as much of the story as you see fit print , if any . Oh , and of course the transcript of this conversation . That 's what matters to me . " Eileen started to speak , but Jeffrey was on a roll and kept talking . " But you won 't be sued . How can you be for reporting facts , verified facts ? You might have maligned someone , but hardly libeled or slandered them simply by sticking to the fact that I was trying to get myself sold . Or by running my story of being hurt at school , a story you can substantiate in only a few hours and with a few phone calls . I 'll give you the names of boys on my dormitory floor who were involved . At least some of them should tell you the truth . " Or ignore all that . Print a picture on your front page of me mostly undressed . That 'll get your readers ' interest . Inside , if you choose to go that way , there can be a delightful piece about me wanting someone to buy me . Human interest stuff , like I said . Written the right way , it could be great . Hey , you might even get a Pulitzer ! " Jeffrey smiled , the first proper , sincere , full smile Eileen had seen on his face . It transformed him . He looked like the young boy he was for the first time , and a handsome one at that . " Leverage , " he said , and said it boldly . " My father will be livid and demand I explain myself , and I will . For the first time in years , he 'll have to listen to me . Whether he listens or not , I 'll simply lay the transcript of this conversation we 've had on his desk . I know he 'll read it . He 'll have to realize the position it puts him in . He 'll see that because of that picture , I 'll now have a voice . " And there 's more . Maybe , if you begin an investigation , the school will be upset and call him . If it does , it 'll come out that I know things they don 't want told . They won 't want me coming back any more than I want to go back . They 'll be scared shitl - Oops . They 'll be very reluctant to have me back . Which is what I want . " " Probably . He doesn 't want me around . But another school , almost any school , will be better than one where they let certain privileged students run rampant . Where they turn a blind eye to bullying . And this time , I should have some say in what school I go to . I will have some say , and I 'll use it mostly to keep from being sent back to Montgomery Crest because I 'll be a known person by then , someone who 's been in the papers , someone people will want to know more about after seeing that picture , someone who can tell people what 's happening to me and have them listen . " Jeffrey stopped and stood up . He wasn 't used to talking all this much . But he was saying what needed to be said and it felt good to be doing that . This was what he 'd planned , and it appeared to be working . He turned around once and looked at the greenery that made the park the park , but he didn 't really see it . He was into what he was saying and wasn 't going to be distracted . He sat down again and went on . " You see , my father will know if he sends me back there , it 'll be in the paper because I 'll tell you about it . You 'll print it as a follow - up , probably with that picture again , and he 'll look bad . I 'll have my dad by the b - , uh , I 'll have my dad where I want him , for once . " And the kicker , the ironic part , is that he 's been telling me for a while now I have to stand up for myself . Doing that is hard when you 're 13 and facing a very hostile world , with everyone in it more powerful than you are . It takes a lot of thought to figure out how to do that , how to stand up for yourself in a meaningful way and get what you want . The one thing I got from my father , and it probably is the only thing , is brains and resolve . " Eileen just looked at him . She thought about what she had been capable of at 13 . She thought of the simple problems she 'd been faced with . And how most of them had been beyond her control . " Are you going to do the story ? " Jeffrey asked , breaking into her reverie , and she heard hope , along with trepidation in his voice . She realized how important this was to him . Eileen didn 't speak for a while after hearing that . She knew it would be difficult to get any of this into the paper . Parker Rollins was an important man . The board of directors at the school had to be powerful people as well . She thought about that and thought about what the boy was experiencing and his courage to try to find a way out . She thought how devastating it would be for him to have his proposal rejected . A picture of the rocks far below the Oratawny Bridge came to her mind unbidden . She thought , and Jeffrey sat still , just waiting . Her mind was running and she realized he 'd had a point . She didn 't have to treat this like a news story . She could present it , publish it , as a feature story , and write mere hints of what he 'd told her . She could work with her legal department and keep incendiary material out of the paper until it had been checked . She could make the story about a boy trying to sell himself . Other details could emerge if there was public interest . She could find a way to do this . She relaxed a little , and Jeffrey saw it . Still , he waited for her to speak . When she did , it was with a question . " Jeffrey , why us ? I know what you said about an investigation , but still . . . . Most people your age seem to do everything on Facebook these days . They talk about their problems there , connect with people there . No one your age goes to the newspapers . So , why us ? " Jeffrey sat up a little straighter , and his eyes hardened . " Because I want this in the newspaper , the one my father reads , so he 'll see it . This whole thing depends on his seeing it and knowing others are seeing it , too . He 'd never see it on Facebook , and even if he did , he 'd be unimpressed no matter how many comments or ' likes ' I got . I doubt he 's ever been to Facebook . If he heard about the story being there , I doubt he 'd even bother to go there to look for it . " He looked down for a moment , remembering , and then continued in a softer voice . " I heard him speaking to a colleague once , a guy I think he used for public relations . He was complaining about some bad publicity one of his plants had got in the newspaper . The PR guy was downplaying it , but my father said it had made a big splash in the papers . I remember that because that term was new to me , and I liked the sound of it . Well , running that picture in the paper will make a big splash . Doing it online wouldn 't . " She came to a decision right then . She looked him in the eye . " We 'll do the story . I 'm going to have to fight for it , but I 'll get it done . The editor - in - chief owes me a big one , and I 'll call in the favor if I have to . This deserves being told , one way or another , and you deserve a break . " Jeffrey 's eyes lit up . She was going to run the story ! Even if it was only one of the pictures they 'd taken , even if it was only presented as an offbeat human interest story , it would be enough to rattle his father , to get his attention . Jeffrey would let him know that his voice was going to be heard , one way or another , and it was in his father 's best interest to be the first to hear what that voice had to say . And when his father listened to him , Jeffrey would make him understand that he had a son who wasn 't going to be pushed around so easily any longer . He was ecstatic that things were going the way he 'd hoped they would , Eileen could tell his spirits had risen , could see it in his face and body language . " I 'm going to get what I want for myself out of this by standing up for myself . But people at that school did bad things , cruel and heartless things , and the boys will continue to do them . They need to be stopped . The teachers and administrators that didn 't help me , well , and I 'd love it if they got punished , too . I 've given you the makings of a really big scandal , and the school can 't cover it all up . There are too many people involved . I thought if you had actual names , you 'd have a great place to start investigating . " He stopped and grinned . " Maybe I got a third thing from my father . Maybe I 'm a little vindictive . But I don 't think of it that way . What I think is , I like the thought that there can be justice in this world , and it might come from any of us , no matter how powerless we feel we are . " The picture was on the front page of the Sunday newspaper . It took up the entire page under the headline and over the fold . There was no story there , just words directing readers to the accompanying story in the Features Section of that day 's Chronicle - Times . " I asked you a question ! Answer me ! " Jeffrey was lying on his side , and his father grabbed his shoulder , squeezing it hard , and yanked him onto his back so he could see his eyes . Jeffrey was wearing pajamas , but his morning condition was obvious nevertheless . Somehow , the scattered sheets of the newspaper weren 't covering that . He tried to roll back onto his side but his father held him in a tight grip , staring into his waking face , oblivious of the problem Jeffrey was having trying to protect his modesty . " Let go of me ! " Jeffrey couldn 't believe he 'd said that with such force . It caught his father by surprise , too , as it was so atypical of the boy who always cowered in his presence . The man 's grip relaxed just enough that Jeffrey was able to yank his shoulder free . He rolled to the far side of the bed and sat up with his back to his father . His physical problem quickly subsided . His mental and psychological problems were just beginning . " Don 't you dare turn your back to me ! " His father was furious , and he was shouting . Jeffrey responded by half turning and looking at him . Before his father could speak again , Jeffrey said , " Do you want to talk ? And actually listen to me this time ? " " I stood up for myself . If you want to talk about it rather than yell at me , then let me get dressed . I 'll come down to your office . Or , you can keep yelling at me and I 'll sit here till you 're ready to listen . " His father opened his mouth , but then closed it . He looked at Jeffrey , his face livid , and Jeffrey looked back , trembling but not shrinking away , obviously reacting to the anger he was witnessing but not nearly as intimidated by it as his father expected . Mr . Rollins opened his mouth again , then again closed it . He had dealt with union negotiators , bank officials , business executives , politicians and reporters . He knew from experience the first one to anger in any dealing was the one ultimately on the defensive . The thought of being on the defensive with his son was ridiculous , but he realized if he continued as he 'd started , his position would become untenable . He straightened , arranged his face , and said , " You will be in my office in five minutes . Do NOT make me wait or come looking for you . " Without waiting for a response , he turned on his heel and walked out . Five minutes later , a dressed and resolved Jeffrey walked into his father 's office . His father was sitting behind his desk . There was a chair next to it , and without asking , Jeffrey sat down in it . Jeffrey didn 't say anything , just looked into his father 's eyes . He was shaking inside and hoping it didn 't show . But he knew if he was going to accomplish what he wanted , he had to face the man down . The best way he could think to do that was not accept his commands . So , he sat and looked at him . There was no confrontation in Jeffrey 's eyes . Just the fullest extent of calmness he could manage . " I thought you wanted to talk to me , to hear an explanation . If you want me to stand so you can berate me , holler at me , I can do that , but I won 't talk to you that way . It 's your decision . I can stand , you can yell at me , and then I 'll leave the office . Is that what you want ? " Mr . Rollins father couldn 't believe this was happening . Jeffrey wondered why he was getting away with it , too , and then realized that for the first time in as long as he could remember , his father was listening to what he was saying and reacting to it . They were almost having a conversation . He was giving his father the choice of listening , or getting physical with him . The latter was something the man hadn 't done in years . He hadn 't needed to . Now , his choice was to listen to or light into his son . He instinctively knew if he did the latter , he would have lost control of his son . So , he tried talking instead . It had always worked in the past . This wasn 't going well or anything like Parker Rollins had expected it to , and he was well aware of that . He remembered what he 'd thought of upstairs , that the angry one didn 't tend to win when in a discussion with someone who wasn 't responding to the anger . He was as mad as he 'd been in years but knew he had to calm down . It was difficult , but he forced his anger down . He took some deep breaths , then sat back in his chair and began to think . What was it he wanted to achieve here ? Did he want Jeffrey quailing in front of him ? Well , perhaps part of him wanted that , wanted to know he still held reign over the boy , but more than that , he wanted to hear why that picture was in the paper . He was going to sue someone , that was for damned sure , but he needed knowledge first . And yelling wasn 't getting him anywhere ; in fact , it was weakening his position . After several long moments , Mr . Rollins spoke . There was a forced calmness in his voice . " I want to hear about this picture . I want to know why you were dressed like that , why you had that sign , and why it 's in the paper . After I hear that , I 'll decide what I 'm going to do to you . You can be sure , whatever it is , you will not like it . Not at all . Now , talk . " Jeffrey waited a moment , gathering himself . This would be the most important conversation he 'd ever had with his father . He was not sure he was up to the challenge , but knew he had to be . One thing was for certain . The man would be listening . He realized that might be a good place to start . " Father , I 've asked you several times to listen to me . You never do . I needed to find a way so you would . This was it . I needed you to listen to me . I am not going back to that school . I had to find some way of getting that through to you . I now have it . That picture did that for me . We 're sitting in your office , I 'm talking , and you 're listening . I don 't know how you feel about that fact , but to me , it 's amazing . Uplifting . Liberating . " His father opened his mouth , but Jeffrey kept speaking . If he didn 't say this now , he never would . " I am not going back to that school . I decided that at a very low point in my life , and I 'm not changing that decision . I knew I had to get through to you , and I did . That picture is in the paper , and a story went with it . I saw a copy of her story yesterday , before it went to the presses . I told the reporter much more than she printed . She has a much bigger story and will run parts or all of it as the situation develops , after the story has been researched and verified . " One such situation would be if I killed myself . I don 't want to do that . I already considered it and rejected it because I hadn 't used up all my alternatives . I decided on this alternative . I decided to force your hand . " He hurried on , forestalling his father 's outburst . " I got the picture into the paper , and people are going to be curious about it . They 'll be writing to the paper , asking for more information . The paper will do a follow - up piece if there 's enough interest . There will certainly be enough interest if you send me back to that school , because I 'll write to the paper and let them know you did that over my vigorous objections , and they 'll print that and why I don 't want to be there and how you ignored everything I told you about what happened to me there . It 'll be printed because I 'm now news . I 'm a big splash in the paper . " Jeffrey stopped . His father 's face was red , and it appeared he was suffering from apoplexy . Jeffrey sat and waited for the explosion he was sure would follow . " They won 't print any follow - up , " his father shouted , unable to control himself . " I 'm going to be suing their ass off . I 'll own that damned paper ! " Jeffrey 's voice was much calmer than his father 's . " That seems like a silly thing to do , to me . Of course , you know a lot more about these things than I do , but wouldn 't the paper insist that any hearings be in the public domain ? The reason you 're upset is that I 've embarrassed you . A public trial where everything I told the paper about you would come out in the open would be much more embarrassing than that picture . And you 're assuming you 'd win a lawsuit , that it would be a slam dunk , but the lawyers at the paper don 't think so . They vetted what was written very carefully . Every word was looked at . It wasn 't libelous . The only claim you might win is that my picture was used in their paper without your permission and that I 'm underage . But that will at best win you an apology from them . It will come after I 've testified that I gave them permission to use the picture because I couldn 't get you to listen to me . Do you really want that out in the open ? The paper might get a slap on the wrist , but they 'll be happy to get that because the lawsuit will generate huge sales . It 'll be a godsend for them - and disastrous for you . " " Look , Father , I am sorry you 're embarrassed , but I am not going back to that school . That is the point of this . I am not going back . We should now talk about that . I need to find another school . And I plan to be the one to choose it . That 's the condition I 'm insisting on . You might want to punish me by sending me to a military school or a sheep ranch in the outback of Australia or some such place , but you 're not going to . If you do , not only will that be in the paper - that you took retribution on your son for doing what you yourself asked him to do - but I 'll send weekly reports from wherever I am to the paper , and they 'll be printed . You won 't be able to stop it . I have freedom of speech , even if I 'm 13 , and the paper will go to court to prevent anyone from silencing me . " So that 's where we are right now . I 'm going to spend some time during the break researching schools , and I 'll tell you where I want to enroll . Of course , you don 't have to accept any of this . You don 't have to agree to pay for the new school . You 're free to do as you wish . I 'm in your power . But I have a voice now , one you 've always refused to acknowledge , and it can be as loud and outrageous as I want it to be . I 'm going to continue doing exactly what you 've told me to do . I 'm going to stand up for myself , and continue standing up for myself . And first and foremost , I 'm not going back to that school . " Jeffrey took a copy of the interview transcript the newspaper had supplied him with from his back pocket , laid it carefully in the middle of his father 's desk , and said as he left the room , " There is stuff in there you might want to see . You might find you do not want anyone else to see it . Whether they ever do is up to you . " The sidelines were crowded from one end of the field to the other . Jeffrey was playing defender . It was where the slower kids ended up because they 'd have less field to cover . Zach was bringing the ball down toward him on a breakaway . It was only him and the keeper in front of Zach . The score was tied and there were fewer than four minutes left . The shouts from the sidelines seemed to be about equally divided . He heard his name being called , and Zach 's , too . He didn 't look up . His eyes were focused on Zach . Zach was bigger than he was , although they were in the same year . He was a powerful kid with jet - black hair and striking good looks . Right now , there was an intense grimace on his face . He had the game in his hands , and he knew it . There were only Jeffrey , who wasn 't a great player , and Donnie , the keeper , to beat . He could fake out Donnie in his sleep . He 'd done it before . Jeffrey shouldn 't be a problem , either . He pushed toward the middle of the field , directly in front of the goal , to open up his options . Jeffrey was still about ten yards in front of him . If he beat him , the game would be his . Zach moved the ball from his left foot to his right , back to his left , still moving forward fast enough that the defense he 'd left behind had no chance of catching him . Jeffrey was standing still , waiting , knees slightly bent , on the balls of his feet so he could go either way as needed . He knew he had to block the ball . He just wasn 't sure he could . His heart was beating fast in anticipation . Zach ran toward him , controlling the ball , then made a juke to his right and crossed the ball to his left , trying to catch Jeffrey off guard . Which he did . Jeffrey bought the move , took a half step in the direction of the fake , then caught himself and tried to move back to be in Zach 's way . He got his feet tangled and stumbled and manage to get clipped by Zach 's hip . Zach had already moved the ball past him at that point . Jeffrey felt a shock of pain in his hip , screamed and went down in a heap . The hip that Zach had bumped was the one that had been badly bruised a year earlier . Zach felt the bump , and when he heard the scream , he took one more step forward , then stopped abruptly . He turned , saw Jeffrey lying on the grass and rushed back to the fallen boy . He knelt in the grass beside him . " Jeff , I 'm sorry . Are you OK ? Jeff ? " Jeffrey looked up into eyes showing worry . He started to respond with a swear word , but then changed his mind , his new - found and seemingly endless sense of humor taking over . Grinning at the boy hovering over him he politely asked , " And what , kind sir , are you doing here ? Aren 't you supposed to be winning the game ? " His grin broadened into a smile . Jeffrey had a wonderful smile . Zach got an awkward look on his face . He and Jeffrey had been glancing at each other in the hallways for a couple of months now , and both had blushed a time or two when their eyes had met . But they 'd never really talked . Now Zach blushed again and said , " Oh , yeah , sorry , I was just worried about you and wanted to check you were OK . " He jumped up and ran toward the ball , but saw Donnie was holding it and grinning at both of them . Jeffrey was now at the Holden Preparatory School . He 'd done some research , which had included talking to some students who attended the school . What helped sell him on the place , other than the school 's outstanding scholastic standing and reputation for community spirit , was that athletics were entirely voluntary and were only an intramural activity . What was emphasized was fun rather than winning , along with good sportsmanship . That had sounded really good to someone as athletically challenged as Jeffrey . He enjoyed the games but wasn 't very good at them . Jeffrey had fit right in at the school . He was still unassuming , somewhat reclusive , more at ease in the shadows than the limelight , but his sense of humor had had a chance to blossom , his intellect and generous spirit had brought him into contact with kids who wanted his help with assignments , and he loved that there was no name - calling or bullying of any kind allowed at the school - a rule that was policed by the kids themselves . All this kept him from worrying about making a mistake . Not having to worry every day when he woke up was a revelation to him . In the past year , since he 'd been enrolled , he 'd grown in size and even more in confidence . He 'd stood up to his father . It had required him to listen to a lot of shouting , but he 'd found when he hadn 't reacted to it , had simply made his points , his father had listened . He 'd had to . He hadn 't wanted to see his name in the paper again . The paper . He was still reading his hometown paper , although he was now miles and miles away from there . He checked it out online and was following the investigation the paper was doing on what was rapidly escalating into a major scandal at the Montgomery Crest Academy . An audit had shown money had been siphoned from donors directly to certain administrators . Several boys had come forward with lurid tales of brutal physical bullying and sexual favors being extorted , some details of which couldn 't be printed in a family newspaper . He knew some of the people mentioned , like Mr . Deitrick . Neither Scott nor Joel had been named , as both were under 18 , but the paper did say several minor boys were being questioned ; the charges weren 't specified in the paper ; Jeffrey was sure Scott and Joel were included in that group . He read the stories online out of curiosity but didn 't feel much attachment to them . He was leading a different life now . Jeffrey was still unsure of where he stood as far as his sexual identity went . He was 14 now , but vastly inexperienced . He was keeping his options open . But Holden Prep was another all - boys school and what he saw that got his juices flowing was male . The temptations were rife . He 'd been thinking a lot about Zach recently . What had happened during the game was going to be fuel for more fantasies . And maybe he 'd find the courage to actually speak to the boy . Actually , he had the courage . He knew he did , after all he 'd gone through . He 'd found that going after what he wanted not only gave him a sense of purpose that made him feel good , it also actually got him rewarded with things he 'd thought were unattainable . And , Zach had said he was worried about Jeffrey . That had to mean something , didn 't it ? The next day , in the hall , he saw Zach . Their eyes met . This time , Jeffrey walked over to him . Zach saw him coming , and waited . " Yeah , " said Jeffrey , " but it 's not bad , and it 'll go away . I injured my hip last year . Much worse than this , and it got better on its own . Actually , hurting it is related to why I 'm at this school now . But the limp will be gone in a couple of days ; it 's nothing , really . " Zach looked at him , really looked . Then a mischievous glint came into his eyes , and he said , " Well , if it 's why you 're here , Jeff , I 'm glad you hurt it . " And then he smiled , a really brilliant smile , taking any hint of sting out of the words . My god , Jeffrey thought , he 's flirting with me ! A warm glow spread through him . Then , rather blatantly , he gave Zach a visual once over like Zach had just given him and replied , " I 'm glad too . " That was the point at which his audacity failed him and he blushed . Which meant Zach did , too . Jeffrey wasn 't sure how to respond to that , but then he did . He grinned and said , " You know what ? Jeff is good . I like it . " Jeff and Zach turned and walked down the hall together , toward their next classes . Their getting to know each other had begun . Jeff was to lose his uncertainty about his orientation in the days ahead . He would accept that he was indeed gay , and get to know that Zach was , also . He would learn that being gay was just another one of the complexities of life , and was something that often brought him great joy . Walking down that hallway , he and Zach took their first steps together , the first of many , many more to come . If you enjoyed reading this story , please let me know ! Authors thrive by the feedback they receive from readers . It 's easy : just click on the email link at the bottom of this page to send me a message . Say " Hi " and tell me what you think about The Big Splash . Thanks . This story image are Copyright © 2017 by Cole Parker . They cannot be reproduced without express written consent . Codey 's World web site has written permission to publish this story . No other rights are granted . Disclaimer : All publicly recognizable characters , settings , etc . are the property of their respective owners . The original characters and plot are the property of the author . The author is in no way associated with the owners , creators , or producers of any media franchise . No copyright infringement is intended . This story may contain occasional references to minors who are or may be gay . If it were a movie , it would be rated PG ( in a more enlightened time it would be rated G ) . If reading this type of material is illegal where you live , or if you are too young to read this type of material based on the laws where you live , or if your parents don 't want you to read this type of material , or if you find this type of material morally or otherwise objectionable , or if you don 't want to be here , close your browser now . The author neither condones nor advocates the violation of any laws . If you want to be here , but aren 't supposed to be here , be careful and don 't get caught !
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Getting clean was the easy part . Not that I really had much of a choice if I ever wanted to look anyone I knew in the face again . My six - month stay at Beckwood Hills was productive and uneventful . Okay , so uneventful might not be the most honest diction . My first roommate , Drew , a radio producer whose love of jam bands was rivaled by only his inherent desire for opiates , tried to off himself my first week there . But that proved to be little more than a speed bump . We weren 't allowed to have belts so he threw himself out one of the windows in the media room . Fucking dumbass . The media room was only three stories up . He shattered nearly every bone on the left side of his body and suffered some rather severe internal bleeding , but the moron kept breathing . It 's an ironic sight , watching the EMT 's rush to pump a drug - addict full of morphine . But after that , it was nothing but smooth sailing . My softball team won the championship , the food was decent , and I even joined the book club . I thought American Pastoral was garbage , total horseshit , though maybe that 's because I was one of the only people in the club that wasn 't a Jew . It was an upscale facility not an hour from the Hollywood Hills , what the hell else did I expect ? But all in all it was a pretty nice place . Definitely deserved at least three stars on Yelp ! . I don 't know if you can rate rehab clinics on Yelp ! , but if you can , I 'll have to throw them a positive review some time . Thank god my parents had money and hadn 't completely given up on me . I can 't imagine detoxing and embarking on the arduous road of recovery at one of those non - profit clinics where the mushrooms on Thursdays salisbury steak look an awful lot like the mushrooms you picked off of Tuesdays salisbury steak . Speaking of my parents , they were on my list . But I 'd told Derek I would come over for dinner with he and his family the day I checked out . He said he might 've found work for me . No fucking way my old firm would take me back . Especially considering they never would 've even hired me in the first place if it weren 't for my cousin pissing in a ziploc bag for me . Despite the support from my parents , my bank accounts had been drained by lawyer fees and the divorce . I needed the money . I made sure not to tell anyone other than Derek the exact date I got out . I didn 't want someone familiar to pick me up and have to talk on the way back . That was my least favorite part of rehab , talking . So many fucking sob stories . So many problems . So much embracing . If any of those people walked a mile in my shoes they 'd be throwing themselves out the third floor media room window like Drew . As the cab cruised down the freeway I gazed at the skyline out the fingerprint - covered window . It always intrigued me . The buildings were just so goddamned spread out . Whoops . I 'm not supposed to say goddamn . Friends of Bill W . are supposed to find god , seek forgiveness , become one with … oh , you know the deal . No need to bore you with the details . The driver ogled me through the rearview mirror . I didn 't think anything of it . Then he did it again . And again . I get that having a guy who literally just got out of rehab in your car is awkward , but what 'd this prick think I was going to do , tie - off right here in the backseat ? " Can I smoke in here ? " I asked . " Crack a window , " he replied , still giving me a quick glance every thirty seconds or so . You 'd be surprised by how few people smoke in rehab . The movies give you this image of every recovering addict or drunk chain - smoking and chugging shitty coffee . I met some people who actually used their time away to quit smoking as well . Not me though . I liked to sit on the benches by the tennis court - yes , they had a tennis court - and smoke while I read . The soft , rhythmic noise of the rackets striking the ball soothed me . It was predictable in a comfortable sort of way . One time I dozed off with a lit cig in my hand and it burned the top corner of the page I was on . I didn 't give a shit . American Pastoral was garbage . " I 'm straight , the corner is fine . " He was only looking out for me . We both knew the neighborhood . Maybe he thought I was trying to cop . But I was fucking sick of people looking out for me . I hate advice . I had a couple hours to kill before I went to Derek 's for dinner . He lived on one of the only nice blocks in the neighborhood . One of the only areas where the sidewalks weren 't littered with children trying to make a buck . I 'd heard it all before . Got that IED , that IED , two for fifteen , or maybe less bluntly , I 'm taking donations for my schools football program . These kids whose balls hadn 't even dropped yet were out here counting bills , scamming , and looking out for undercovers . I figured I 'd walk around and maybe get a coffee . The driver pulled up to the corner and stopped . I reached over the front seat and gave him a couple twenties . " Keep it , " I said , waving off the change . He thanked me and mumbled some bullshit derivative of good luck . Like he had the first fucking clue . If luck were on my side I 'd still be handling major accounts . If luck were on my side I would 've never had to go into the program to begin with . If luck were on my side my wife would be able to think about me without conjuring up murderous urges . I took another look at my list . Derek had done well for himself . He had come a long way from the booze - filled lusthound I met at UC - Santa Barbara . Happily married with two beautiful young daughters , he was also a booking agent for some of the hottest acts in the area . I could hardly stomach the sight of his daughters at the table . I hadn 't come to grips with everything just yet . Derek 's wife made a mean lasagna , and being the Italian woman that she was , kept throwing more of it on my plate . " Eat , " she insisted . " You 're too skinny . What kind of junk were they feeding you in there ? Not that gluten - free crap ? " " The hospital , honey . " Derek quickly bailed me out . " Remember when mommy was in there for her kidney ? Remember how nasty the food was ? " She accepted this answer and went back to playing with the cheese that drooped from her fork every time she took a bite . Weather , Obama , the Lakers . The rest of the conversation was rather humdrum . I was just postponing the inevitable . I couldn 't say what I needed to with the kids there anyways . So after dinner Derek 's wife took them into the family room to watch whatever Simpsons rerun was on that night . Derek and I went down to the basement . It wasn 't a finished basement , to put it kindly . The cement floor would 've been cold to bare feet . Countless cardboard boxes stuffed with useless shit lined the walls . But there was a functional pool table . And any difficult conversation is made easier over a game of pool . " So you said you might have some work for me ? " I asked , once again postponing the inevitable . " Yeah , " said Derek as he racked the balls . " It 's this blues bar . Probably the last authentic one this side of Reno . The owner was a good friend of my fathers . I stop in every now and then . Laid - back place . He doesn 't have a ton of staff . Just looking for an extra hand checking ID 's , setting up equipment , that sorta thing . " " I figured you 'd say that , " Derek broke the triangle , sinking the fifteen into the top right pocket . " Stripes . The thing is , back in the day , this owner went through the program too . So he 's got a soft spot for … " Derek was at a loss for words . Always a sensitive guy , he was careful with how he phrased things . " For junkies ? " I was not so careful with my phrasing . As Derek sunk the twelve his eyelids opened wider . He didn 't want to imply anything that may offend me . " Disease ? " I lined up my shot . " It 's not a disease . That 's what these sorry fucks tell themselves so they don 't have to take responsibility . Every person who ever stuck a needle in their arm made the choice to do so . A conscious choice . " We played in silence for a few minutes after that , Derek at a loss for words , and I , still , postponing the inevitable . " Forget I said that then . I know a guy who runs a copy shop who 's looking for a full timer . But I figured a bar would more interesting to you . Rather laugh with the sinners , that sorta thing . " That was when one of girls ran down the stairs , making it halfway down before Derek insisted she not run . " Daddy , do you guys want ice cream ? " Derek looked at me . I looked at my shoes . After the uncomfortable dinner it was clear to him that I couldn 't stand to look at , hear , or be around his daughters . " No , we 're all set . You shouldn 't come down here . You don 't have shoes on . There might be nails on the floor . " There were no nails on the floor . She turned around and started back up the stairs . This time Derek didn 't tell her to slow down . Our game went on . More bullshit , more Lakers , more postponing the inevitable . I was never a very open person , or a very truthful one for that matter . Apologies were tough for me . Not because I couldn 't admit my own faults , I could . Anyone who 's in recovery can , to an extent . It 's just my wrongdoings were so disgraceful that even bringing them up was , frankly , humiliating . I kept thinking step 8 , step 8 , step 8 . Luckily my perceptive friend Derek was always , well , perceptive . " Listen , " he said . He was now chalking his cue carefully . " I 'm somewhat familiar with the program . And I 'm not an idiot . I know why you chose my wife 's mediocre lasagna as your first meal back in the real world . " I held my cue tightly against my chest , almost hiding behind it . " I forgive you . My wife forgives you . It was just a fucking TV , man . I don 't want to hear any more about it . " I felt like I had just passed the test by cheating and yet I wasn 't relieved . " - save you breath . " He sank another shot . He would now be aiming for the eight ball . " We 're not the ones you need to convince . And you need to start with yourself . " " Forgive myself ? " Derek furrowed his brow , confusion striking his face . " But I didn 't do anything wrong . I didn 't steal a TV . " I stared directly into his eyes for perhaps the first time in years . He had a bad poker face . " Dick , " I muttered as I bent down to take a shot . Derek laughed . " What if you were her ? " I asked . " Would you forgive me then ? " I sank the final solid ball . It was all about the eight now . " Honestly ? " Derek pondered . " Probably not . But like you just said , I 'm a dick . " I missed my shot and set him up in perfect position for the game - winning gimme . " How is Courtney anyways ? " He backed away from the table . " Nope , you can 't . " Derek moved back to the table and lined up his shot . " I mean , you did ruin her entire life . " He cocked back his elbow and shot . The black ball effortlessly rolled into one of the pockets . Dick . I decided to walk home even though Derek offered me a ride multiple times . It wasn 't any more than a three - mile walk , and besides , I liked walking . LA isn 't like New York . A lot less condensed . You could walk for ten minutes and not see another pedestrian . It was just me and my thoughts , which I appreciated since the last six months were all about me sharing every little thing that popped into my head . I stepped off Derek 's stoop and was immediately taken aback by the summer breeze . Using a nearby lamppost as a shield , I lit the cig I had been craving for the last two hours . That was too easy . Derek didn 't have a vengeful bone in his body . He forgave me the day he realized the magnitude of my problem . They wouldn 't all be so easy . But that bullshit about me forgiving myself ? Did he really think I was carrying that guilt with me ? Petty guilt is human nature . It 's what separates us from those species that eat their own young . But the guilt Derek was talking about , my guilt ? I had two options and I made my choice . I could either try to forget about it completely , throw it in the trash , and press on . Or I could put a fucking revolver in my mouth , pull the trigger , and throw it in the trash that way . Either method , it was going in the trash . Nobody could live with that , and I always enjoyed living , so I pressed on . Guilt in the trashcan . Only I still had to take it out to the dumpster . That 's what Step 8 was for . I flicked my cig onto the sidewalk , crushing it with my shoe . My list had become a bit crumpled from all the sitting down and standing up . Still legible though . After digging through my pockets , I found a pen . Nobody took the subway in LA despite the fact that , by my diagnosis , it was a remarkably efficient system . I think it had more to do with people not wanting to be seen on the train than anything . I found this funny . This is a city where every person who pretended to give two shits about the planet made sure they had three fucking bumper stickers and a couple t - shirts that showed others how much they cared . Wouldn 't using public transportation provide a sense of pride ? Immediately upon taking my seat I pulled out my pocket - sized copy of The Importance of Being Earnest . Out of all the works I read inside , some of them very heavy , I couldn 't put my finger on why it was some play by an Irish fruitcake that stuck with me . I flipped the pages but wasn 't really reading . It 's hard to focus on text when the guy three seats down from you is having an animated conversation with his own reflection in the window . It made me think , did I ever pull shit like that ? Did strangers ever see me in public and grimace ? Or worse , pity me ? My worries were quickly drowned out by a voice in my ear . A voice I recognized . A voice I couldn 't fucking stand . " Aaah , one should always have something sensational to read while on the train , right pal ? " a man asked , noticing what I was reading . My eyes confirmed what my mind feared . Big Bo the Brit was now sitting across from me . I went to high school with Bo but hadn 't seen him in the decade since . Everyone used to call him Big Bo the Brit for two reasons . One , he was really fat . That 's how he got the big part . Remember , this was back when you could make those type of comments without some kid running home crying " bully ! " . The Pussification of America , that 's what I call this " everyone gets a trophy " crap . He got the Brit part because at random times he would start speaking with a British accent . Nobody knew why . His family was German . He was the kid who thought he was better than everyone else because he actually read the books we were assigned . Clearly he hadn 't changed much . Now he thought he was witty because he could rattle off some cliché Oscar Wilde quote . He was still fat too . " Long time no see , " Bo stuffed the last bit of the churro he was eating into his mouth . We all have our vices , I suppose . " You still with that blonde ? " Bo put his sausage fingers in his mouth one by one , using his teeth and tongue to consume every bit of crystalized sugar that stuck to them . " Kathy , right ? " " That 's right . Sorry , I 'm a moron . " He got one thing right . Bo rubbed his sticky hands across his baggy jeans . " Look at you , a family man ! I never would 've guessed that . I still remember that time you got an in - school suspension cause you got caught smoking the pot before Biology . " Bo was laughing rather obnoxiously . That memory had moved its way out my head . But that term , family man , goddamnit Bo . He was seemingly not up to date with the happenings in my life . I wasn 't going to tell him that I 'm not a family man anymore , or even worse , why I 'm not a family man anymore . I had to change the subject . " Still single , still playing the field , " he then said . No shit . Bo probably hadn 't seen his cock in fifteen years , much less used it . I shouldn 't make jokes like that . I spent a good chunk of my school days giggling stoned at everything Bo did . The way he waddled through the hallways like a duck . The way his giant white shirts always seemed to attract condiments in the cafeteria . The way he breathed so loudly it was hard to take a test in the same room as him . " What made you choose that ? " he asked , pointing to my book . " You never struck me as much of a reader , much less a cultured one . " " Oh , you know … " he knows what ? That I picked up reading in the rehab I had to attend after the carnivorous cunt that is reality came knocking at my door and I realized my addiction was destroying the lives of all those I crossed paths with ? " You know … it was a gift from a friend . " " Well , it 's a good one . " He stood up from his seat , using one of the poles for support . " Well worth a second read too . " I 'd read it at least ten times at that point . The train stopped , beeped , and the doors swung open . " This is my stop , " Bo said . " Hey man , find me on Facebook or something . I 'd love to meet your better half . " " Yeah , take care Bo . " I said as the doors slammed shut . The train kicked into gear and out the window I saw Bo heading for the escalator , still waddling like a fucking duck . Chatsworth was a nice neighborhood in the Valley just Northwest of the city . The orange line could get you there . Once my parents outgrew the noise and playfulness that littered most of the city they relocated here . Good schools too . Courtney and I considered the area at one point but a decent home there was far beyond our budget . Not only did I need to cross my parents off my list , but also they likely knew where Courtney had moved to and I desperately needed to find her , if for nothing else than my own solace . The second I knocked on the door I heard the scattering of footsteps inside . Knowing my mother , not only would she be expecting me ; she likely had a plate of Reese 's Pieces cookies fresh out of the oven . The smile on her face when she opened the door sickened me . I didn 't deserve it . And her warm , never - ending hugs that once solved all my problems now just reminded me of how I went astray . I was completely submissive to the faded memories and the promise that they implied . She was so kind . She always thought the world of me . Hell , she still did . She would never admit her only baby was anything less than a perfect soul in an imperfect world , even though every sign pointed to quite the opposite . I sat on the couch in the living room biting my nails as she poured lemonade in the kitchen , gossip about her friends running through the walls . I could care less that Mrs . Henderson down the street had bought the same gargoyle for the front porch as my mother and then accused her of copying . But if there was one person in the world I didn 't mind faking a smile for , it was my mother . She had kept all the issues of Sports Illustrated they received over the last few months neatly stacked in a magazine rack . She knew I liked to skim through them and critique the journalistic inadequacies whenever I visited . They were organized by date , with the two most recent ones sitting out on the coffee table , waiting for me to dive into . She came and sat next to me on the couch , getting so much joy out of watching me drink a glass of lemonade . " Dad home ? " I asked . " Ma , I 'd love to stay all day , but I got some business to attend to . I can swing by for dinner later this week . But there are some things I need to clear up . " Her eyes were already beginning to water . Like Derek , my mother was far too kind to hold a grudge , so my words were meaningless . But I felt like I 'd be cheating the program I 'd grown to respect if I handled this apology like the one with Derek . " I know , but Ma , the money , the constant worry . I 've made your life a life a lot tougher than it needs to be . What was it Dad told me ? That for the last 10 years you couldn 't sleep at night because you were worried you 'd be woken by a police officer knocking on your door ? " " You know your father . He 's like you . He doesn 't say much , and when he does , it doesn 't always come out right . We just want you to be healthy and happy . " She lifted her hand from my knee and used it to dry her eyes . " You really think that 's a good idea ? " That 's when I noticed that all the family photos had changed since the last time I was there . None of me over the age of eighteen . None of me and Courtney . None of anyone and Kimmy . " I 'm not trying to jump into bed with her , Ma . It 's part of the program . It can 't end like this . I need to make things right , you know , atone . " " A little late for that , " my father said as he came into the house carrying a bag from the store . " You might just wanna cut your losses . " He was much more like me than Derek or my mother . No filter on what he said . Always skipped the pleasantries . Honest in a brutal way that nobody wants to hear . " Dad , " I mumbled . I looked away from him . It 's not like my father and I had some hateful or abusive relationship , more of one just filled with mutual disappointment . We 're talking about a guy who started his own bank when he was twenty - five . A very old - school type of parent . Way back when they told him I may have this new thing called ADD he stormed into the principal 's office and ripped him a new one , saying that a five year old not being able to sit still during story time was far from a disorder that required medication . " Yeah , Derek is helping me out . Working with sound equipment for some acts , maybe a little security . " I made being a bouncer / roadie sound elegant . He just nodded his head and went upstairs to put his supplies away . My mother was already writing down Courtney 's address on a sticky note . Echo Park , I should 've known . Courtney always straddled the fine line between punk rock and prom queen . She and her friends would tweet about the evil corporations while sipping on a latte from Starbucks . It was those kind of inner - battles that made Courtney so interesting to me . She was complex . Flawed and hypocritical in the most noble ways . I grabbed the sticky note and gave my mother a kiss on the cheek . " Thanks , Ma . Seriously , dinner , next week . Any night works for me . " I headed for the door . I suppose I could 've gone upstairs and talked to my father more , have one of those minimalist heart - to - hearts that the strong - silent types have , like in a John Wayne movie . But I didn 't . Once I was down the sidewalk far enough so that they couldn 't see me out their windows , I sparked a cig , and reached into my pocket for my list and pen . Did I cheat again ? I don 't really know . But I counted it . I had heard through the grapevine that Courtney landed a job doing data entry , working the normal nine - to - five she always swore would never define her . When I got close I knew she wouldn 't be back yet . It was only 5 : 10 , so I sat on the stoop of her building , pulled my list out , and stared at . I don 't know why . I had seen it so many times and it wasn 't like there was much written on it . I lit another cig and leaned back , letting my elbows rest on the step above the one I sat on . People watching was always a way of killing time that appealed to me , especially in Echo Park , where everyone was seemingly so unique . A half block up in the distance I saw Courtney parallel park . She had driven the same Accord for at least five years now . She needed multiple attempts to squeeze her car into the spot . I 'll resist the urge to make a joke about the female sex . I 'd become quite good at resisting urges . I lifted my shirt up to my face to check if I smelled like smoke . I did . Courtney 's face was buried in her phone as she approached the stoop . A little more than a year ago she decided to make a conscious effort to not look at it while she was behind the wheel . I knew she cheated every now and then , but I wasn 't one to judge ; everyone cheats . She did not react the way I wanted when she looked up and noticed me , though it 'd be a lie to say I expected anything else . Not even saying a word she turned around and stormed off towards her car , power - walking the whole way there . I had come this far . I had to give it a shot . So I jumped off the stoop and ran after her , calling her name . " Get the fuck away from me , " she said as she turned around to face me . " I 'll call the cops . " Courtney , always the dramatist . " You haven 't seen me in nearly a year , since you know when , and this is what you ask me ? " I always knew how to get to her . If I could make her feel stupid for even one second she would lose her sense of logic . " Please , " I scoffed . " You damn well know I never put a hand on you . " I hadn 't . I was no saint but I had my values . She just shook her head . " After all of this , " Courtney said , " and you still think you 're a good person . You never hurt me or cheated on me , so what ? You 've spent all this time insisting you 're not like the bad people , but you 're worse than them . They 're at least aware . " She opened her car door . " Stop ! " she screamed . " I 've seen the fucking movies , I know how this goes . Don 't come to me for forgiveness , you won 't find any . I knew I should 've hired a babysitter that night . Even the most reckless teenager would 've been safer than you . " " - Do not say her name ! " Courtney screamed . " Don 't you dare you bastard . " I had expected resentment and tears when I saw Courtney , but this was pure anger . The hatred could be seen in her eyes . Heard in the tone she had never used with me before . Felt in the air she was breathing heavily . " - Fuck you and your horse ! " She interrupted me again . Courtney always fumbled figures of speech . " You , having the audacity to even come here , much less give me another one of you bullshit apologies , it 's disgusting . What are you , high right now ? A little warm out for long sleeves , no ? " She looked closely at my eyes , trying to find any signs of intoxication . She found none , much to her chagrin . " Well good for you . Must be nice having the opportunity to move on . Must be nice having the opportunity to walk , to see , to fucking breathe . It 's not a just world . If it were , you 'd be the one found dead in the street while someone you cared for and counted on was whacked out on the couch . " I had never heard it put so bluntly or accusatory , even in legal discourse . She was right . It wasn 't fair . I got a second chance . Actually , it was more like a thirteenth or fourteenth chance . " Don 't you ever contact me again or I will get that restraining order . " She got into her car . " Prick , " she muttered as she slammed the door and drove off . I figure she just drove around for a few until I left the area , which I did , but not before grabbing my list and pen . The cemetery was vast . I couldn 't begin to guess how many corpses rested below my feet as I walked through . It was beautiful though . The tall trees that surrounded it created a shadow that covered most of the graves , but towards the center of the cemetery beyond the reach of said shadows sat a few stones in the sunlight . That 's where I was headed . I was still unsure of how I felt about my interaction with Courtney . Of course it didn 't go well . Things were said , all of which I probably deserved , but I felt a warped sense of closure . We gave her that middle name because both of our mothers were huge June Carter fans . It seemed cute at the time . I remember the day Courtney told me she was pregnant . We were both unsure how to react . We loved each other and were pretty confident that we 'd get married , but we were both just twenty - three , and Courtney was still finishing school . I like to think I was a good father when I was attentive and sober , which unfortunately , wasn 't nearly often enough . When I was a boy I vowed to do all these awesome things and never get married . Why bog yourself down with spousal duties ? Who wants to have sex with just one woman for the rest of their life ? That 's what I told myself . But when I saw Courtney give birth to Kimmy , all of those of those shallow adolescent ambitions left my thoughts immediately . I was completely acquiescent to Kimmy 's newborn needs . This is what I wanted . It was the second most memorable moment of my life . One night in January of that year , Courtney went out with some of her friends from college to celebrate someone 's masters thesis or something like that . I was to watch Kimmy . I didn 't really mind . Courtney needed to take the edge off . Ever since Kimmy was born , our social lives had been overrun by our parental responsibilities . Our few friends were the parents of Kimmy 's friends . That 's how it works . Courtney and I settled for the mundane yet rewarding life we both once feared . We didn 't get to experience our twenties , that glorious time when you have complete freedom but aren 't really an adult yet . This was in the prime of my dope fiend career , a prime that lasted longer than it had any right to . Courtney wasn 't stupid . She knew I was using something , yet she was ignorant to the full extent of my substance abuse . I often forgot to attend things when I was off getting wasted . She just figured it was a little bit of speed or something here and there to start the engine , like the shit she knew most of the guys at my office used . I had also honed my skills at hiding the usage . I stayed in relatively good shape , ate a lot of protein , and took care of my skin . Also , long sleeves . Always long sleeves . I would rub facial cover - up on the inside of my elbow to cover up the tracks . It worked better than you probably expect at first , but sure enough , my arm eventually looked like a battleground . One time , stupidly , I held my arm to the burner on our stove , biting a belt for the pain , watching the skin bubble for what felt like eternity . The scar is grotesque , but it looks like what it is , a really gruesome burn . I told Courtney that I made a clumsy mistake when filling gas . I don 't know if she believed me . She never called me out on it . " You know what ? I have an idea , " I said , flipping through the channels . " Before bed , we can make Oreo sandwiches and I 'll read to you . " She accepted this answer and ran into the kitchen , getting the milk from the fridge , then pulling a stool across the floor and standing on it in order to reach the Oreos at the top of the pantry . The great thing about compromising with children is that they haven 't yet grasped the concept of leverage . Ever since I showed Kimmy the innovation of Oreo sandwiches , she was addicted to them . Take two double - stuff Oreos , pull the top off one of them , and make a sandwich . Dip in milk for best results . That night , I let her have as many as she wanted . She put back a whole sleeve by herself , even made a triple - decker . " Alright , brush your teeth real good and get in bed . What story do you want me to read tonight ? " Our children 's literature collection wasn 't all that impressive . Goodnight Moon , some Dr . Seuss stuff , the new and grossly overpriced Dora the Explorer books . They were all the same to me . Repetition , rhyme , happy ending . I suppose , in a child 's mind , comfort could be found in their consistency and predictability . " I 'm sleepy too , " Kimmy let out a yawn , which fooled me at the time . " I think I 'll just go to bed now . " Perfect , a win - win . After she went upstairs , I waited twenty minutes . She 'd be out by then . Buried in the depths of my sock drawer was a leather pouch filled with supplies . I turned the TV down to a near mute so I could quickly detect any potential movement from upstairs . I took my socks off and unzipped the pouch , taking out a needle , a bent spoon , some tiny cotton balls , and a tiny balloon filled with the stuff . It was raw . Something new my guy said , sold well , strong enough to smoke for the white people scared of needles to some in A - bombs . Those were his words . After I burned myself that aforementioned time I swore I would stop shooting and revert to a less physically obvious method . But then I learned that the foot , specifically the veins between the toes , was an option ; and one that didn 't require a tourniquet . The things we often swear to ourselves that we 'll never do seem to always be the first in line when desperation hits . The tender bit of skin there made it painless , and the sensation ran up your leg and through your body before you began to feel a head high . It was like a warm swig of whiskey on a winter 's day . I put the junk on the spoon and dropped in a bit of water with the syringe , bringing my lighter below it , watching it bubble . I dropped one of the cotton balls into the mixture , making it poof into a piece of black matter . I drew from it with the needle , watching the tube fill . The second I injected the stuff , seeing the tube consume my thin blood , I felt it shoot up my body . It wasn 't even enjoyable . It was too much . You 're on another planet during those first few moments , numb to everything . I leaned back on the couch . The second I regained some feeling I put all the paraphernalia back in the pouch , and leaned back again . Within minutes I nodded off . I was out cold . I thought Kimmy was too . I awoke to Courtney in the front door screaming at me and crying , trying to charge me , but being held back by a police officer . All her friends were there crying as well . The ominous glare of flashing blue and red lights was visible through the window . When Courtney paused from cursing at me to take a breath , I could hear radios calling in and photographs being snapped outside . I knew then and there , but for some reason , felt I needed visual confirmation . I was still fucked up but not so much that I couldn 't get up to my feet . I walked towards the door , the cop giving me the most disgusted look . He wanted to beat my ass right there on the spot , or let Courtney and her friends do it , I could tell . Outside , in the middle of street , not thirty feet down from our stoop , was a crime scene . Yellow tape , police , fire , ambos , the whole nine yards . A crowd had gathered and the cops were pushing them back so the investigators could do their work . It was fucking chaos . A car , I remember the exact model , ' 04 Toyota Camry , was empty sitting the middle of the street . Its driver 's door was open . Police were looking inside the car for evidence . In front of the car about twenty feet , on the pavement , was the chalk outline of a body . A child 's body . Kimmy 's body . In the days following , Courtney checked into a hotel , and the details of the accident began pouring out . I was advised to stay inside and not answer my door , phone , or to talk to anybody . That night when I nodded off , Kimmy snuck outside to go the park . A six year - old sneaking out , only my flesh and blood . She must 've seen me on the couch and assumed I was sleeping . The police said that she left our front door cracked open so she could get back in . She was crossing the street when WHAM . The Camry , going at least fifteen over , smashed into her . She was declared dead on the EMT 's arrival . Six years old . Initially , it appeared I was going to be charged with criminal negligence , but my freedom was spared thanks to the ability of my legal team and the stupidity of the man driving the Camry . He was drunk , hiding behind a dumpster in an alley two blocks away from the accident when they found him . The stupid fuck had jumped out of his car after he hit Kimmy and fled , somehow thinking they couldn 't trace the car to him . He became the scapegoat in the public eye . The fact that I was passed out when it all happened never really factored in to the coverage of the tragedy . All they had was Courtney 's word , and mothers of dead children tend to say crazy , unbelievable things . But everyone in my life knew the truth . Even Derek avoided calling me for weeks , and by the time he did , I was already at Beckwood Hills , per my lawyer 's advice , though I know it was for the best . I wish I could say more . I wish I could communicate how I felt seeing the shape of my daughter 's body lined in chalk . But I can 't . I was wasted . I once saw a particularly memorable apron at one of those chic kitchen shops . It had a couple of glasses of wine on it , and a joke written below , You can 't regret what you don 't remember . That isn 't true . Fuck that apron . As I walked away from the grave I lit a cig . Some may consider it rude to smoke in a cemetery , but it wasn 't a concern of mine . The dead don 't get cancer . The dead don 't smell things . The dead don 't carry guilt . When I got to the shaded part of the cemetery I pulled the list out of my pocket , leaving the pen buried inside . I held the cig to the corner of the paper , watching it catch fire . As the flames coiled up and began to burn my hand I tossed it into the air . It turned to ash that fell to the earth , delicately , like snowflakes . I flicked my cig on the ground and stepped on it .
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