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dream Another Dream of Worms and a Dream of Anointing . August 26 , 2014August 26 , 2014 | alexrothschild I have had another dream of worms . This time , I dreamed I was looking at myself in the mirror yet again , when I saw two horizontal lines of worms crawling under my skin : one going left the one below it going right . I reached up to my eye and pulled one out . This time , it was black with a little white eye . In this dream , I also went to the doctor and asked if these worms could be transmitted via breast milk to my daughter since I was still nursing and the doctor said yes . The night before I had the last worm dream , I dreamed that I was anointed with golden oil from a white chalice . I don 't remember seeing anyone , but I feel like I was kneeling . I remember seeing the oil come out of the chalice towards my face . I don 't remember feeling it on my face or hair , but woke from the dream knowing that it had covered me . Let me preface this experience by saying that during my meditation today , I feel that I went further than I ever have before towards meeting my spirit guide . During meditation , I believe I heard his voice for a second saying something like , " Do you really want to go back and forth … " . That 's all I got was that fragment . Right after that , I saw a narrow mirror come down in front of my face and I thought I saw my own reflection , but it was more like seeing myself only as a man . A man with long straight blonde hair . Also , I think he was smiling and I think he winked at me . Ever since I have started the mediation with Lillian Eden , I have felt like my crown chakra has been sort of floating on the top of my head . Like I could take it off if I wanted to . I have felt also like my spirit has been trying to leave my body of it 's own accord . I have to admit , I have been looking forward to the part of the meditation where I feel like my body is floating . However , today , I felt not only like I was floating , but also I got very nauseous as well for no apparent reason . I did some research on out of body experiences and found out that the floating feeling followed by nausea is common when the spirit is trying to rise from the body . Moving forward to what happened a little while ago : I had laid down with my daughter for our nap . I haven 't been sleeping very well for the past few days . It has been a really light sleep . It was the same for our nap today . I drifted into a dream of being in an upstairs apartment that was roughly L - shaped . It had two walls that were completely windows from floor to ceiling with one bedroom in what seemed to be a living area ( the bed was raised above the living room on a loft style platform ) and the other around the L - corner in an actual separate room . There was a low bed on the floor in the bedroom on which I had laid down to sleep . I was laying on my back . I began to get the floating / nausea feeling like my spirit was trying to leave my body when a name came into my head . The name was Peter . Coincidentally ( or maybe not ) , a few years ago , I had been hardcore praying for a man named Peter . I prayed for him for several years without ever meeting him . I felt as though God had put him on my heart , so I prayed and prayed and prayed for him . This man , Peter , whom I prayed for , passed away a few years ago apparently due to a drug overdose . He had been severely and chronically depressed for many years . I found this out after he passed . In the dream , I felt that this person , Peter , was the same person whom I had prayed for in my waking life . I called out his name softly , " Peter . " . Immediately , I felt as if my body started to spin and I got really hot . I felt as if the heat was coming up through my back and making it 's way towards the front of my body . It came on suddenly like a hot flash . So during the spinning and the sudden heat I saw behind my closed eyes the words , " HE MADE IT . HE MADE IT . HE MADE IT . " . I told him quietly that I wished that I had been able to meet him while he was still alive . I also told him for some reason that I knew he had enjoyed that playground over by his mother 's house when he had been a boy . I kept seeing the words , " HE MADE IT , " being repeated over and over behind my eyes with the addition of , " HE HAS PASSED . HE HAS PASSED , " repeated as well . I felt as though this meant that the man , Peter , whom I thought I was talking to had passed on to the other side and that this entity with whom I was having this experience was not the Peter whom I had prayed for . The next thing I did , was to tell this spirit , " You must let me go in Jesus ' name " Then the heat got markedly hotter . As if someone had just turned up the dial to " extra hot " . I started to pant in my dream because the heat was burning me . At that point , I came out of my dream and opened my eyes to find that my body really was hot and I was very dizzy and had that floating feeling again . I felt somewhat startled , but not too scared . Right now , I just feel that I had an encounter with some spirit which did not have my best interests at heart . It could be that I had an out of body experience by accident . This has happened before . It happened with the man , Peter , whom I had prayed for . Dream of Waking To See A Broken Christmas Tree In My Bed April 3 , 2014 | alexrothschild Last night , I dreamt that I was in my bed asleep with my daughter . I saw everything in my room as it normally is with every detail . I woke up and looked to my right ( my daughter sleeps to the right of me ) and saw her asleep . I saw the window by the bed and then my gaze drifted down from there to see that there had been one of those little fake Christmas trees sitting on my bed . I wondered how it had gotten on the bed and then noticed that all of the branches had fallen off and were laying on the bed in disarray . The root was still intact , however , and sitting in the stand . In the first one , I was with my daughter in a room with a small , rectangular window at the bottom of the wall near the floor . We both laid down on our tummies on the floor to look through the window . It was just large enough to get your arm through . What we saw on the other side were at first some kittens and then some larger cats . My daughter was the first to reach through the window to try and pet the cats . I reached through then and petted a cat that was black and white striped . The cat seemed to like the attention for a minute and then turned it 's face to me and I saw a sneer and then it tried to bite me . I pulled my daughter 's hand back through the window so she wouldn 't get bitten . I then noticed that all the cats didn 't have the regular looking cat teeth . There were lots of little pointed teeth and they looked like they were made of metal . They were very tiny like the size of needles . My daughter and I then got up off the floor . I picked her up and tried to get out of the room , but it was full of her toys and I kept tripping on them trying to get to the door . I never made it out of that room , though I did get close to the door . The second dream I had is a bit less clear . I remember first there was a factory with some people working in it who felt as if they were slaves . I saw it from the outside and there were what looked like storage silos in a circle formation sitting on top of huge supporting beams . Like the ones that support water towers . It seems that they were making beer or something similar . I think someone told me that the storage tanks held humans and that they humans were slowly disintegrated within the storage tanks above and put into the beer . The next thing I remember is the storage tanks being lifted off by something that looked like helicopters only a lot larger . I looked up to see the storage tanks suspended in the air by these huge flying machines and the liquid that was in them was spilling out all over everything below . There were also all kinds of carrion birds flocking around the suspended tanks and sitting on them . They were also flocking down below on the ground wherever the liquid had pooled . In particular , I remember seeing a flock of huge vultures sitting all over the top of one of the suspended storage tanks . They didn 't appear to be eating anything , but they seemed to be waiting for something . One vulture was significantly larger than the others . It was black and white and was staring at me . In the next dream I remember there was a war . It seemed that this war had been going on for generations . Always a force from another dimension would invade and conquer the people in this world I saw . At first , they came from the water . Some looked naked and some looked frozen . The second invasion came from some people who claimed to be a family , but were really some weird kind of incestuous cult . Finally , there was a redheaded woman who came over from the other side to speak with my father about mounting a final offensive so that the city would not be taken again . My father was hesitant to follow her advice , but she was a general from the next army that was about to invade . The dream ended before I knew if he took her advice . I do , however remember that there were some human sacrifices . I saw some women hanging naked and upside down from trees with their long hair swaying . I remember people running amok in the city and that there was cannibalism . This is all I remember of this dream . Dream of My Father and Measuring Electromagnetic Bodily Energy March 8 , 2014 | alexrothschild I haven 't been keeping up with my dream journal like I should have . I 've had some crazy dreams over the past few days , but since I didn 't write them down like I should have I have forgotten them . However , I do remember the one I had yesterday and the one I had last night . So , here they are : Yesterday , while taking a nap with my daughter , I dreamt of my father . He passed in April of 2011 . He was 82 . I think he was sitting behind a desk . He was talking to me , but I couldn 't make out what he was saying . It was all garbled . What I do remember is seeing his face and his white hair . I have been trying to find out a way to find out what his message was to me . I 've had several people tell me that he is still here with me . I 'm pretty sure my daughter sees him . Last night , I dreamt that I was sitting in a chair and someone was trying to measure my energy by putting their hand to my forehead . That 's really all I remember of that one . Dream of My Twin , the Three - Eyed Tiger and the Sorcerer February 10 , 2014 | alexrothschild This dream is going to be hard to describe because it was all over the place and because I am only remembering fragments of it . I was a twin . I had long coal black wavy - to - straight hair . I seem to have been pretty proud of my hair because there were several times in the dream where I saw myself in the mirror futzing with it . I was young and pretty . My twin looked like me but had light blonde hair . It seems that she had been dating a man who was some kind of wizard or sorcerer . There was a point in the dream where a narrator was telling a story of a two tigers born a world away : one female , one male . The female had six eyes with one eye having a double eye . That is , in one eye there were two complete eyeballs : white , iris , and pupil . The male had three eyes of which the third , on the forehead in the tradition place of the " third eye " , had the double eyeball . The female tiger cub had died shortly after being born , but the male had survived and was now in the possession of my twin 's wizard / sorcerer boyfriend . The tiger was supposed to be special because it had a spiritual power or had a spirit attached to it . I 'm unclear on this point . I remember being at a school with my twin who , since she had started seeing her boyfriend , was prone to violent outbursts and would seem to become a totally different person . I spent most of the dream protecting her . At one point , while we were at the school in the bathroom , I was fussing around with my hair and admiring myself in the mirror , when my twin had one of her violent fits . This time , her whole appearance changed . She was hitting me and screaming obscenities . I had to drag her from the bathroom and out of the school . Once we were outside , the school exploded into flames . While we were standing in the parking lot well away from the flames , I saw the three - eyed tiger on the far side of the property watching us and pacing back and forth . It seems that my twin and I lived in a loft type apartment with a large basement . I took her there after we left the school . I put her to bed and went to look for her boyfriend . I guess I was going to give him the what for , but I 'm not really sure . I walked there from our living space . It was a sunny day and I remember seeing all sorts of people sitting on a grassy lawn in front of the place where her boyfriend lived . There had to be 200 sitting on the lawn . I remember thinking that they were all deceived sycophants . When I got inside , I was again in a bathroom looking at myself in a mirror . There was a window on my right and I saw the tiger walk by it . I don 't remember ever actually finding her boyfriend there , but getting out of the building was quite challenging . I think I was being chased . I think I stole a car and then there ensued a high speed chase on many curvy roads . What is interesting about this is that I actually saw my face in the mirror . As I 've stated before , I hardly ever see faces in my dreams . Also , I don 't have any siblings that I am aware of , much less a twin . The twin may represent a different side of my personality .
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We kicked the day off with a Halloween party here this morning for play group ! The kids played pin the spider on the web and had a bean - bag toss . Then we decorated cupcakes to get the sugar high off to a good start early in the day ! Everyone helped me serve up some Wacky Witches Brew . . . Even my little Nathan sat and listened to the story ! The boys were so ready for trick - or - treating after the party . . . but it was only noon . . . talk about a LONG day ! May the FORCE be with you this Halloween ! With as much as my boys love Star Wars , I wasn 't a bit surprised when this year their costume choices were Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker . But when I found this baby Yoda costume at Target too , it sealed the deal ! My costume , however , was not as easy . The costume store in Carson City said they had a Princess Leia costume so I sent Willie to retrieve it for me the night of our ward 's trunk - or - treat . Turns out it was the metal bikini , slave - girl outfit . . . not exactly appropriate for a church activity , and might I mention a tad chilly , too ? ! ! So I ended up with a toga and a long brown wig that I had to put in buns myself . It figures I would need a hairdo like that after I chop it all off ! We carved pumpkins for family night and here are the results ! The boys helped clean out the guts . They were both much braver about this step than they were last year ! And since this is Nathan 's first Halloween . . . he was content to look at , hold , and slobber on his little pumpkin ! We told Jacob to draw a face on his pumpkin and Dad would cut it out for him . We couldn 't help but smile when he showed us his drawing . . . too cute ! Our three little boys thrilled with their creations ( and a little tired , hence the glazed - over looks ) ! Whew ! Okay , I 'm finally back . . . vacations can really take it out of ' ya ( and I still haven 't unpacked everything ) . Our visit to Las Vegas was great . My mom kept the big boys and Nathan and I stayed at Grandma Truman 's . She just had a kidney removed and I 'm happy to report that she is doing well ! Here is a picture to prove it . She was disappointed that she couldn 't hold / lift Nathan because she was recovering from surgery , but he was content to sit by her ! Here is a picture of us in the Reno Airport . ( Such a nice , calm , slow - paced place . ) We flew without a glitch ( Nathan 's first flight ! ) , until the escalator episode in the Las Vegas Airport . ( Such a busy , crazy , fast - paced place . ) When we stepped onto the escalator , Josh froze at the top as Jake and I ( carrying the baby and diaper bag ) rode down . He would NOT move . I was yelling for him to step on and he was yelling , " NO ! " right back at me . The traffic flow was clogged and a crowd of people were waiting behind him as I was gliding further and further down . I finally had to yell up to the lady standing next to him , " Would you please grab his hand and help him ride down ? ! " which thankfully she did . At the bottom by the baggage claim we found Uncle Scott holding a sign that said " Kahumoku " and an eager Grandma Nelson waiting to whisk her boys away . Here is a picture of them holding hands walking through the airport . They had a fabulous time and Jacob did not want to come home ( seriously ) and really carried on about just wanting to stay five more days . . . Well , I 'm officially off to Vegas tomorrow ! I am so excited to see everyone and have a little break from the usual daily grind . The thought of flying with the three boys by myself does send tiny chills up my spine , but it 's only about a 45 - minute flight . I can handle 45 minutes . . . right ? Sure , I still need to finish packing , Jake has a field trip for preschool tomorrow , and I still need to pick up a few things from the store , but I 'd rather gush about my upcoming trip ! I heard a country song the other day called " Don 't Blink " ( sorry , don 't know who it 's by ) but it talks about an old man that turned 100 and his age - old advice was don 't blink because even 100 years flies by fast . I feel like I 've blinked and my Baby Nathan has really grown ! He has been in our family now for six months . . . half a year ! Josh has a doll named Baby Paul and I 've occassionally taken pictures of Nathan and Paul together . Here is Nathan posing with Paul in April ( newborn ) , June ( 2 months ) , August ( 4 months ) , and October ( 6 months ) . Nathan and Paul could pass for twins in the begining ( I used to freak when I 'd see Paul face - down on the floor , mistaking him for the real baby ) and now Nathan could eat Paul for breakfast . Where has the time gone ? I 'm trying not to blink ! I 'm officially a Shabby Princess . This is now one of my new favorite websites . Here you will find FREE and adorable downloads that take creating ( handouts and flyers in my case ) to a new level ! Here is a flyer I made for the stake talent show using the Urban Kiwi collection . And a handout for our next Enrichment with the Holiday Sampler set . I am so pleasantly pleased ! ( I know , I get kicks off the weirdest stuff . . . ) The only problem is now I need to make color copies . Can they seriously charge almost $ 1 . 00 / page ? I guess I can opt for black and whites , but the colors really make the whole thing ! Thanks be to Natalie for turning me to Shabby ! Posted by Jacob informed me the other day , " Mom , I want my sons to be 12 . " I had no clue what he was talking about and after a little more prying he explained , " Just like ' Jacob 's sons were 12 tribes , so the Bible tells ' . . . I want to have 12 sons . " Whoa . I hope his wife up to the challenge . Jacob 's favorite song is " Follow the Prophet " and his favorite verse is about Abraham because his very own name is mentioned . Once I figured out what he was talking about and where it was all coming from , I asked him what he would name all of those kids and here is his list : 1 . Michael2 . John3 . Eric4 . Lucy ( I mentioned to him that this was a girl 's name and he said he 'd have daughters too . ) 5 . Isaac6 . Wendy7 . Ethan8 . Joshua9 . Aidan10 . Adam11 . Will12 . SamHe is such a character . I 'm pretty sure this goal of his will change in time . But who knows , maybe some day I 'll be a grandma with LOTS of grandchildren . My Uncle Grant and Aunt Pam have recently done some home remodeling . Check out this commode ! It actually has a little control panel mounted to the wall . In case you can 't clearly read the buttons , here 's what your choices are once you 've done your business : Rear CleansingSoft Rear CleansingFront CleansingDryerOscillatingPulsatingOf course arrows to control the pressure and position . And in case of emergencies . . . a RED stop button . I truly wanted to test it out but Willie was giving me the " are you crazy ? ! " look so I declined the offer . I 've used other peoples ' toilets before . . . what 's the big deal ? I think it 's a great idea to have such a functional toilet . It would certainly cut down on toilet paper expenses . I wonder if I could get one that did all the cleaning this one offers and cleaned itself too . For your visual comparison . . . here are before and after pictures of my hair . This is when it was long ( but usually I wore it in a wet ponytail ) . Here it is short . VERY short . Thanks , Cynthia ! You did a great job cutting my hair . We all really enjoyed your visit ! I had been thinking about cutting my hair short for quite some time but was feeling a little nervous about leaving behind the comfort of my good ' ol ponytail ! But while my sister was here visiting , she chopped it for me . She cut off a 12 - inch pony that I donated to Locks of Love . Here are the dramatic pics . Nervously awaiting the snippity - snip of the scissors . As Cynthia cut the ponytail off , I could feel the weight of it dropping and I started to scream ! I kept on screaming while she handed me my hair . Unbelievable ! I could not believe what I had just allowed my sister to do . . . and yes , I was still screaming ! All of the screaming caused concern and curiosity from Jacob ( Josh didn 't really care ) . He was making my doubts even worse with comments like : " Mom , why do you look like Aunty ? " " Mom , why did you cut your hair ? Put that back on ! " And once while Cynthia was trimming it up , the hair was covering my right eye , " Mom , what happened to your other eye ? " ( As if Cynthia had gone a little too crazy with all of the cutting . ) Willie came home early and we were still finishing up . This is what he found sitting on the toaster oven . . . welcome home , honey ! March 27 , 2003 . Loves to paint and draw , tell stories , and pretend Star Wars . Has an amazing imagination , scary memory , and tender heart . August 19 , 2004 . Loves to sing and dance , tease , and make us all laugh . Has a nack with babies , a stuborn streak , and big beautiful dark eyes . April 1 , 2007 . Loves to chase his big brothers , be held by Mom , and " talks " very loudly . Has a good appetite , a contagious laugh , and a jolly disposition . " Randall and Mudder , " Nathan was afraid at bedtime tonight . When I asked him why he was scared he told me if he says it , he 'll be even more afraid . I convinced him to tell me so I 'd know how to help him . Randall from Monsters Inc and Mother from Tangled . I can 't blame him . They are pretty creepy ! Peter was counting in an angry voice , " ONE ! TWO ! THREE ! " I responded with , " Wow Peter , you are good at counting . What comes after three ? " He thought for a moment and said , " Um , a spank on ma bum . " ( I was going for four but that works too . ) Jacob informed me , " Girls don 't like gamers . . . they like excersizers . Good thing I 'm both . " Jake has some really interesting ideas about love . Willie asked me , " Do you even get hungry ? " Puzzled , I answer , " Yes . " " It 's hard to believe you would be with all that in there . " Probably something you shouldn 't say to your very pregnant wife . I know I am huge , but I still get hungry . After dealing with Nathan 's toe bleeding all day and the band - aid not staying on I finally told him , " I 've had it ! We 're just going to cut this toe off . " He looked right at me and said , " If you cut it off , it will still bleed . I have blood inside of me . " ( Nathan ) " Mom , I see a potty train ! " ( Me ) " Where ? ! " ( Nathan ) " Over there ! " pointing to a trailer full of port - a - potties . ( Josh ) " Mom , my new friend at school goes to church ! " ( Me ) " Good ! What church does he go to ? " ( Josh ) " He goes to the Church of ALMOST Jesus Christ . " ( Jake talking to Josh on the first day of school ) " I was worried about you and thinking about you all day today . " ( Josh ) " Why ? " ( Jake ) " I thought you were going to be bad at school and get sent to the principal 's office . " ( Josh ) " We didn 't even have a principal in my class . " ( From Jacob ) " Today a girl at school told me my hair was spikey . I told her ' Yeah , it reminds me of my Uncle Scott 's hair . ' And I told her that he 's gone now . She asked me if he was dead ! I told her he was just on a mission . " ( We discussed that saying someone is " gone " is another way to say they 've died . ) ( Jake 's prayer tonight . . . ) " Please bless Nathan to be super duper nice to us and please help us to be super duper nice to Nathan . . . " After prayers Jake gave Nathan a little shove after being teased by Nathan . " Hey , what happened to being ' super duper nice ' ? " I asked him . Jacob told me , " Well it takes a while for Jesus to turn it on . " " Nathan , what are you eating ? " " Anything . " " Nathan , what 's in your mouth ? " " Anything . " " Nathan , WHAT are you eating ? ! " " I 'm not eating ANYTHING . " Jacob poked himself in the eye and announced , " Ow ! I poked my eye ! But don 't worry , I 'm not blind . . . I still have my other eye . " Jacob told me , " Mom , it 's actually good if we sweat . That means our heart is working hard . " " Oh , really ? " " Yeah , but it 's just not good to sweat on Sundays . " " Oh , why ? " " Because we 're not supposed to work on Sundays . " Josh asked me to open the checkers game for him . After PLAYING BY HIMSELF for a bit he told me , " Mom , I won ! The reds won this time ! " ( Josh ) " Mom , I saw a man with a fat tummy . Maybe he had a baby . . . " ( Me ) " I don 't think so ! " ( Josh ) " Oh , well , maybe he was just pumped with air . " ( Nathan ) " Mom , basketballs yucky ? " ( Me ) " No , basketballs aren 't yucky . " ( Nathan ) " Oh . . . taste it . " ( Me ) " Okay , yeah , basketsballs are yucky . " ( Me ) " I 'm hungry . " ( Josh ) " Nice to meet you , Hungry . I 'm Joshua ! " ( They catch on way too fast . . . ) ( Jake ) " Mom , tell me about when you fell in love . You know , when dad was on his mission and you fell in love . " ( Me ) " I will tell you about when I fell in love but you need to know I DID NOT LOVE DAD WHEN HE WAS ON HIS MISSION ! " ( Jake ) " Mom , what does ' get over it ' mean ? " ( Me ) " I 'm not sure . What do you mean ? " ( Jake ) " Well that 's what Olivia said when I asked her TWO times if I could have her Star Wars book . She 's always saying weird things and I don 't understand her . " Josh 's shirt was looking a little snug , so I asked him if he had on Nathan 's shirt . Nathan got a confused look on his face , patted his chest , and said , " Shirt ! " ( He gave me a look like I was an idiot . ) " Please , let me do whatever I want . I 'm free ! I have freedom ! ! " Maybe teaching Jacob about Independence Day this week wasn 't a good idea . . . ( Jake ) " Josh , I 'm sorry I was mean to you today and that I made you upset and made you cry . Do you forgive me ? " ( Josh ) " Yeah . " ( Jake ) " Are you sorry that you were mean to me too ? " ( Josh ) " Yeah . " ( Jake ) " I forgive you . " " Mom , watch this ! This will be Bravo ! " ( Jake wanted me to watch him jump over the gate at the bottom of the stairs . It was rather impressive . ) " Mom , who do you think I look like today ? " " I 'm not sure . . . who do you look like today ? " " He has an X - box . . . " " Oh , I think you look like Uncle Scott today . " " Yes , he wears a black hat like this . " ( Jacob ) June 25 - Nathan is cruising . He 's a walking machine that loves to tease me by climbing on the stairs . He 's good at going up , not so good at going down . ( While watching Dancing with the Stars on Oprah . ) " Mom , that was a private one . " " What do you mean ? " " I could see her belly button . " " Well , that was her dancing costume . " " Oh . . . it was a costume of a belly button ? " ( Josh ) Jacob was telling us a scripture story tonight and said " Honalia " ( instead of Liahona ) . Joshua could not contain himself . He was almost crying he was laughing so hard and said , " Jake , you said ' Honalia ' instead of Liahona ! " ( Jake ) " Mom , what 's a keener ? " ( Mom ) " I really don 't know . " ( Josh ) " A keener is when you 're disastic . " ( I 'm really glad we got that cleared up . ) ( Jake ) " Seems like a pretty good team , huh . " ( Josh ) " Ya , we 're the best team forever ! " Then they go to give each other a high - five and miss . " How ' bout you stand in front and close your eyes and I 'll hide behind you ? " The boys were hiding in the corner of the doctor 's office not wanting to witness Nate 's vacination shots . At one point Jake was closing his eyes hiding behind Josh and Jake was covering Josh 's eyes for him ! " Mom ? " asked Josh , " Does Santa know how to get to our house ? " " Yes ! " " Oh , is it left or right ? " Thoughtful pause . . . " Left . " " Mom , will you turn it back to English ? " Jake asked me after he and Josh laughed through a whole movie in French . Some how they changed the language and they were rolling with laughter ! Josh was playing with a friend and pretending to be Nephi . I overheard this : Josh , " I 'm going to go get the plates . " Friend , " Okay , I 'll come with you ! " Josh , " No , I 'll do it by myself . Nephi 's brothers didn 't help him . " We have been asked to pray for moisture to help the drought conditions in our area . Jake has remembered this and in almost every prayer he asks for " cold snow . " Well , we got some snow this week and as the boys watched out the window in awe , I heard him softly say , " Thank you , Heavenly Father . " Josh asked me , " Mom , are you going out of your mind ? " ( I must say this a little too often . ) " Yes , I think I am . " Jake piped up , " Please stay in your mind , Mom . " Today I was calling Nathan a stinky pie . ( Don 't ask me why . . . ) Later Josh told me he thought Nathan really was a stinky cake . ( At least he knew it was some kind of dessert item ! ) Jake was chanting , " Shower , shower , shower ! " My mind was reeling trying to figure out what movie or book that was a line from . I could remember hearing it recently but I couldn 't put my finger on it . When I asked Jacob what that was from he said , " One of the prophets said it in the microphone . " Ah , a General Conference talk ! I guess he really was listening . " Mom , can I give you a hug to see if it 's still soft ? " Jake was concerned with my new hairdo ! After a big hug he said it was still good . " Jacob , we 're getting a new bishop today . " I was trying to fill Jake in on what was going on at church . " Oh , good . Did the other one die ? " ( Uh , no . ) " But I like shoveling my nose . " ( Jake said this when I asked him to stop picking his nose . I think he 's confused with when I 've told him to stop digging in his nose . . . ) " A , B , C , D , F , and G . . . " This is how Josh sings his ABC 's . For some reason he always leaves out the E ! I was carrying the groceries in and walked through the door just in time to catch the tail - end of a message being left on the machine . I asked the boys if someone had called and Jake said , " Yeah , it was Dad . . . your husband . " Good thing he clarified that for me . Jake was lounging on the couch and I asked him to put his shoes on . He told me , " Ugh , I can 't get up right now . . . my legs are killin ' me . " Uh , excuse me ? " Mom , you 're a good cooker , " Josh told me while we were having lunch the other day . " A good cooker like the rats on Ratatouille . " Thanks , thanks a lot . " Absolutely not . " This is the answer I get from Josh when I ask him to do something . We 're going to have to work on this ! Josh is into words . He likes the way things sound ( alliteration or rhymes , etc ) . He especially loves silly words . His current favorite phrase is " What about a bean bag " ( said quickly ) and the words " stinkbomb " and " bobo . " Today Jake was patting my arm and said , " Mom , I 'm playing you like an instrument . " " What kind of instrument am I ? " " A drum , " and then both boys patted me like I was a bongo ! 9 / 5 - FREE two computer monitors and a two - drawer nightstand . It was one of those all - or - nothing deals . We only wanted one monitor but had to take the rest too ! 9 / 5 - RUDENESS . There was a post for an excersaucer that said to make an offer . So I made an offer . After I sent my offer , here 's the response I got . ( I copied and pasted as not to exaggerate . ) " Considering it 's in perfect condition and brand new in the stores it 's 79 . 00 . . . . . how bout no . " RUDE ! 8 / 29 - FREE friend . She posted that she wanted to join a play group and I responded . We finally got to meet today and had a great time . 8 / 27 - FREE hanging cassette organizer . Now not only will my out - of - date tapes that Willie hates be organized , they 'll also be on display ! ( And you can 't beat the price . )
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Jennifer Coburn has always been terrified of dying young . So she decides to save up and drop everything to travel with her daughter , Katie , on a whirlwind European adventure before it 's too late . Even though her husband can 't join them , even though she 's nervous about the journey , and even though she 's perfectly healthy , Jennifer is determined to jam her daughter 's mental photo album with memories ? just in case . From the cafes of Paris to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa , Jennifer and Katie take on Europe one city at a time , united by their desire to see the world and spend precious time together . In this heartwarming generational love story , Jennifer reveals how their adventures helped vanquish her fear of dying . . . for the sake of living . [ Provided by the author ] ( Goodreads ) I remember when I first came across this book and how I was looking forward to reading something that had travelling and a mother - daughter experience all bundled in one ! I read the first part of the Introduction and was happy for the humour and then that was quickly striped away by the second part of the introduction revolving around Jennifer 's father . Once you start reading We 'll Always Have Paris you start to realize why Jennifer is so afraid of dying young and is trying to make the most of this trip , just in case . I understand that authors don 't put everything into the synopsis but I wish the meaning behind Jennifer 's fear of dying was . When the tidbits about her father popped up I started to feel like it was random information just shoved in their to fill space , but I came to understand it 's importance and how it 's shaped Jennifer into the women she is today and why it was so important for her to make the most of memories for Katie . Unfortunately , We 'll Always Have Paris didn 't keep me interested although out . I had to take many breaks from reading it , I feel like I would have enjoyed it more if maybe we had different perspectives or maybe a diary entry or something . I just felt flat being told from first perspective from start to finish . The writing style fell into a couple of awkward ruts of rambling but I really loved the descriptions given . This is one aspect Jennifer excelled at ! I felt like I was with them while they were travel , all their experiences and what they were seeing felt so real ! It made me want to pack a bag , grab my mom and passports and travel all of Europe . Fear of dying is something almost every can relate to , or at least I think . We 'll Always Have Paris had the potential to deliver a powerful message of living your life to the fullest no matter what , but I felt like it didn 't give it 's all . I 'm not saying that message wasn 't conveyed at all , I just felt like to got lost at times . A couple of things just didn 't work for me . I was expecting a happy , humorous read with a great life lesson and that 's not completely what I got . She has also written for Salon . com , Creators News Syndicate and The Huffington Post . Coburn lives in San Diego with her husband , William , and their daughter , Katie . We 'll Always Have Paris is her first memoir . He smiled and reached out to hug me . I again tried to swallow around the lump in my throat . After several run - ins with over - zealous fans , I hesitated whenever a stranger tried to hug me . Today I met people that cared so much about each other that handshakes weren 't enough . Elwood 's voice was shaky . " My whole life I was called a retard . Told I was stupid , worth nothin ' . At Caldwell , they would hit me if I didn 't eat fast enough , make my bed right , or clean the bathroom correct . Took my things , laughed at me when I couldn 't speak , and gave me no respect . Hated it there . I 'll never forget Jack . He met me . Shook my hand . Treated me like a man . He saved my life , and I love him . " I could only nod as Elwood turned and walked up the stairs to the bus . He waved from his seat as it pulled away . I stood , unable to move , as I watched the bus turn down the street . My thoughts were all over the place while everything around me moved in slow motion . I couldn 't answer her . I grabbed her hand and squeezed it as we walked to the car . It was too much , but it was all the right kind of too much . LAURA WARD is the author of New Adult novel , Not Yet , She lives in Maryland with her loud and very loving three children and husband . Laura married her college sweetheart and is endlessly grateful for the support he has given her through all their years together , and especially toward her goal of writing books . When not picking up toy trucks , driving to lacrosse practice , or checking spelling homework , Laura is writing or reading romance novels . I 'm that teenaged girl who has MS . You haven 't met me , but you 've seen me around . You probably know my sister . We 're twins , and she 's the pretty one . Maybe you 've heard about my reputation , how much I like to hook up at parties - how easy it is to get me in bed , get what you want , and forget about me after . Forget what you think you know . I 'm leaving that girl behind . College is all about new beginnings . So from now on - I 'm just Cass . And the rest … it isn 't written yet . And no one else gets to write my story for me . " Tyson Preeter doesn 't do can 't . " That 's exactly what I want people to think when they see me . I am strong , invincible , confident , intelligent - arrogant . I 'm the man who always finds a way around , over and through - until there 's nothing left . Since losing my ability to walk six years ago , I 've relearned life . I don 't need sympathy . I don 't want charity . And I don 't do love . It 's better this way , saves my disappointments for me , and me alone , and it saves my strength for everything I want . But Cass Owens is about to wreck everything . She 's about to steal all of my strength away from me , because she needs it more . She 's about to break all of my rules , and break down all of my walls . She 's about to own me … completely . And I 'm about to let her . * * This is the second book in the Falling series . Each book can be read as a standalone and will focus on a different couple . * * ( Goodreads ) Excerpt I thought I felt foolish about being younger . But that was before I made a floor display of every cliché low - self - esteem brochure printed in the state of Oklahoma . Naturally , the most embarrassing one is in Ty 's hands right now . " How to Love Yourself So Others Will Too , " Ty reads , flipping the book in his hands and skimming his eyes over the description on the back . I take this opportunity to scoop everything else up in my arms and sit on the floor with my legs crossed , quickly stuffing things back in my bag . " Oh , this is good . Wait , listen to this one … " He starts to quote a few of the passages , mocking the stereotypical affirmations and examples in the book . I know they 're stupid - and hearing them now , I 'm not sure why I picked the book up . But reading it made me feel good an hour or two ago . " Wow , what class is making you read this shit ? " he asks , finally putting the book down . His laughter cuts short when he sees me , my eyes buried in my lap . " It 's not for a class , " I say , looking up long enough to get the book from him . " My stuff 's in the dryer . Just … just knock on my door when it buzzes done . " I leave quickly , clutching my things close to my chest and feeling ridiculous . I don 't bother to zip my bag up again , instead carrying it all into my room and letting everything spill out into a pile on my bed . I don 't know what made me check all of these things out . It all started with the book Ty was reading , actually . My hands gravitated to it while I was looking through some of the health and wellness books . At first , my attraction was the same as Ty 's - I found the book amusing . But some of those cheesy sayings actually rang true , especially the ones about feeling inferior to siblings and how we use self - deprecating humor as a crutch . Next thing I knew … I had two books , four magazines , and a dozen brochures . " Dry already ? " I ask , doing my best to pretend none of that happened . I pick the pillow up from my lap , laying it over the embarrassing evidence . " No , " Ty responds , moving closer until he 's at the foot of my bed . Without pause , he slides from his chair to the bed until he 's sitting next to me . He picks up the pillow , and my stomach sinks . His smile is soft as he scoops everything into my bag , and slides it all to the floor , closing the distance between us even more until his hand is suddenly cradling my cheek . " Just so we 're clear here , I mean this , " he says , pressing his lips softly against mine as his other hand moves to my chin , tilting my mouth toward him . I 've been kissed by some pretty convincing boys in my life , each one wanting to make me believe something by the way their mouth worked against mine , the way their tongues coaxed their way inside . This one kiss from Ty was like removing a blindfold . First , I had to remember how to breathe . Then , I had to learn how to survive . Two years , three months and sixteen days had passed since I was the Rowe Stanton from before , since tragedy stole my youth and my heart went along with it . When I left for college , I put a thousand miles between my future and my past . I 'd made a choice - I was going to cross back to the other side , to live with the living . I just didn 't know how . And then I met Nate Preeter . An All - American baseball player , Nate wasn 't supposed to notice a ghost - of - a - girl like me . But he did . He shouldn 't want to know my name . But he did . And when he learned my secret and saw the scars it left behind , he was supposed to run . But he didn 't . My heart was dead , and I was never supposed to belong to anyone . But Nate Preeter had me feeling , and he made me want to be his . He showed me everything I was missing . And then he showed me how to fall . * This is a standalone in a three - part series that will focus on different characters . Each book can be read on its own . * ( Goodreads ) Scott has been writing and editing for newspapers , magazines and blogs for more than 15 years . She has told the stories of Olympians , politicians , actors , scientists , cowboys , criminals and towns . For more on her and her work , visit her website at http : / / www . littlemisswrite . com . Hunter 's presence stirs up everyone around the ranch , including her late husband 's older brother , Cage McCloud . Charlie continuously pushes him away . A near replica of Cash , Cage 's very existence is a painstaking reminder of how much she has lost . Just Not Ready Yet was a book that blew me away . I love reading a good romance story but this one just had elements to it that I wasn 't expecting . This was my first read by Brooklyn James and I 'm definitely interested in reading more of her future work . When I first read the synopsis I gathered the fact that she 's still dealing with the lost of her husband , but the flashbacks throughout this book were beautiful , my eyes were constantly watering ! Trust me when I say those weren 't the only moments my eyes were watering . Although the writing style was a bit hard for me to follow at times , the way Brooklyn James sheds light on her character is just amazing . I wanted happy endings for everyone ! Here I thought I would be getting a cute romance story with the Western setting . This did have the Western setting , but there was nothing cute about the romance ! Now , let me elaborate on that before you get the wrong idea . I thought Charlie would experience a simple romance , something obvious and one that she would have to second guess if it was worth opening her heart again . What I wasn 't expecting was to be so emotionally invested in Just Not Ready Yet ! I didn 't want to put this book down , every chance I got I read a couple of chapters needing to know who she would end up with and how the story would all tie together in the end . I couldn 't even imagine going through what Charlie went through , plus the " secrets " that come out . The life lessons and hidden message throughout Just Not Ready Yet were so inspiring . Overall , Just Not Ready Yet was a great romance read ! This book had get characters , was emotional , great life lessons , and add in sprinkle of hotness ! Brooklyn James is an author / singer / songwriter inspired by life in the Live Music Capital of Austin , Texas . Her first novel , The Boots My Mother Gave Me , has an original music soundtrack and was chosen as a Quarter Finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards . This book has ranked in Kindle 's Top 100 Coming of Age and Women 's Fiction . When she is not writing books , she can be found playing live music around Austin as part of an acoustic duo . Like most everyone , she treasures her time spent with family and friends . She and her husband welcomed their first child this past Christmas . Brooklyn has been in a Weezer video , met Harry Connick Jr . as an extra on the set of When Angels Sing , and she was Mira Sorvino 's stand - in on Jerry Bruckheimer 's Trooper pilot for TNT . She enjoys reading , dancing , working out , fishing with her hubby , and a good glass of kombucha . Brooklyn holds an M . A . in Communication , and a B . S . in both Nursing and Animal Science . Her nursing career has seen specialties in the areas of Intensive Care and Postpartum . She serves as a Guest Speaker with a focus on awareness and prevention of Domestic Violence and Suicide . Then , when more Houses fall victim to freak weather catastrophes , Rho starts seeing a pattern in the stars . She suspects Ophiuchus - the exiled 13th Guardian of Zodiac legend - has returned to exact his revenge across the Galaxy . Now Rho - along with Hysan Dax , a young envoy from House Libra , and Mathias , her guide and a member of her Royal Guard - must travel through the Zodiac to warn the other Guardians . But who will believe anything this young novice says ? Whom can Rho trust in a universe defined by differences ? And how can she convince twelve worlds to unite as one Zodiac ? Why I 'm Waiting I 'm in love with anything that has to do with astrology and I do believe in then especially since mine are always accurate ( I know it 's not something for everyone ) . So the fact that someone is taking that aspect and turning it into a book makes me so excited ! And the synopsis sounds promising , so it was an obvious MUST READ for me ! Since the day of her birth , Princess Faedrah Austiere has been defined by her place within the kingdom . As the single heir to the half - blood gypsy king and his prophesied white queen , she is fiercely protected , shuttered inside an ivory castle and well - trained in the art of war . Yet neither her obligations as future queen nor the black infestation threatening her kingdom fail to hinder the mysterious pull of the antique armoire hidden in her parents ' bedchamber . And stealing the golden key for a leap through time is the only way to confront the dark lord haunting her dreams . One face . The image of one defiant , relentless woman has been stuck in Rhys McEleod 's head ever since he was old enough paint her luscious curves on the canvas . But the day she walks into his life off the street - sexier than hell and itching for a fight - he 's not convinced she 's the same women he 's envisioned since childhood . That is , not until he spots the golden key around her neck - an object he 'd never fully shown in any of his paintings . Now if he could just persuade his lovely muse he 's not the enemy . Unless the elusive Faedrah Austiere learns to trust him , he 'll never have her in his bed - the one place he 's convinced she belongs . ( Goodreads ) This won 't be my first time reading something by AJ Nuest . I received The Golden Key Chronicles from NetGalley via HaperImpluse UK earlier this year and LOVED IT ! ! Thank god it was the bind - up edition because I 'm not sure how I would survive reading one at a time and having to wait for the next one to be released . . . Anyways , so when I came across this beauty on Goodreads I obviously had to add it to my TBR list ! I believe this takes place after The Golden Key Chronicles , but either way I 'm so excited to read this ! Seriously if you like Science Fiction - > Time Travel with some romance I highly recommend giving this series a try ! ! Rating : ★★★★ . 5When two lost souls find each other , are they still lost ? Charlotte O ' Brien is lost in the devastation of her parents ' death . With her foundation in ruins , she buries herself in an unlikely lover , Jason Leer . When they 're together it 's everything , but when they 're apart it 's utterly frustrating . Can love survive when distance is measured in more than just miles ? " My foot will bleed soon . Judging by the familiar curve in the road , I 'm still at least two miles from home . Of course I end up walking home the night I 'm wearing great shoes . The pain shoots through my heels as the clouds flash with lightning in the dark sky . Where do I even begin with this review ? I don 't even know . I read Forgive Me a couple of days ago now and I 'm still trying to get my thoughts and emotions in check , thanks Eliza Freed . The minute I read the first page I was hooked . This author has a way with words , and boy does she know how to tell a story . Her description of the thunderstorm alone had me captivated , I couldn 't put this down and I 'm happy I finished it in one sitting . Well , happy might be a stretch of a word because I know for sure my heart , head , eyes , nose and throat are not happy with all the ugly crying and struggling to breathe . But what did I expect ? Well I knew I was signing myself up for a contemporary new - adult read , but what I didn 't expect was how much of an emotional roller coaster this was going to be and how much of me was going to be left sitting here with tears streaming down my face . I know I probably sound like a broken record but this book broke my heart into tiny little pieces . I cried , I laughed , I got angry , and then I cried some more . And by the end of it all I felt like Forgive Me basically just sat there laughed at me and said " Well hey , now you have to wait until February . " Seriously ! ? FEBRUARY ? ! GIVE ME THE NEXT BOOK NOW ! ! ! Please ? Pretty , pretty please with a fat juicy cherry on top ? Charlotte is by far one a new favourite character . She 's a fictional character but everything about her felt real . It takes a serious amount of talent to breathe life into your characters and Eliza Freed did that . I felt so connected to Charlotte it was almost frightening . She 's been through so much and all I wanted to do was hug her . As much as I 'm not a huge fan of Jason , since he can be a jerk from time to time , I really enjoyed the dynamics of their relationship . We see their long distance relationship put to the test and just when I thought everything was going to be okay , everything got flipped upside down and around ! I wasn 't expecting the religious aspect to things , and at first I was hesitant on how much of it would be used throughout Forgive Me . Why ? Because I 'm in a questionable state with my religion at the moment . But Eliza makes it work , she ties in everything and makes it alright to question your faith , love , humanity , and life itself . Overall , I can 't express enough how heartbreaking and beautiful Forgive Me was ! I only wish I didn 't have to wait until February for Redeem Me , I know it 's less than 3 months away but for me that 's 3 months too long ! Do I recommend picking Forgive Me up ? Yes , I can 't even express how much I want people to read it ! This is seriously an underrated book that more people need to read ! If you enjoy reading new adult , contemporaries , romance , a book with substance and that will make you feel things then pick this up . But you can 't say I didn 't warn you . . . About the AuthorEliza Freed graduated from Rutgers University and returned to her hometown in rural South Jersey . Her mother encouraged her to take some time and find herself . After three months of searching , she began to bounce checks and her neighbors began to talk ; her mother told her to find a job . She settled into Corporate America , learning systems and practices and the bureaucracy that slows them . Eliza quickly discovered her creativity and gift for story telling as a corporate trainer and spent years perfecting her presentation skills and studying diversity . It 's during this time she became an avid observer of the characters we meet and the heartaches we endure . Her years of study have taught her laughter is the key to survival , even when it 's completely inappropriate . She currently lives in New Jersey with her family and a misbehaving beagle named Odin . An avid swimmer , if Eliza is not with her family and friends , she 'd rather be underwater . While she enjoys many genres , she has always been a sucker for a love story … the more screwed up the better . Website | Goodreads | Facebook | Twitter | Google + | Pinterest Abby Snyder finally has the opportunity to expand her diner now that the building next door is available . Unfortunately , she must compete with Nick Coleman to get it . Abby - usually über - responsible - shared one night of intense passion with the playboy , and she 's been trying to forget it ever since . But then Nick bets her the building that he can make her fall in love with him in thirty days . With his reputation ruining his chances at gaining some big clients , Nick needs a way to prove to everyone that he 's reformed . Dating Abby , the most respected girl in town - and the only one he wants - is the perfect solution . Nick 's confident he 'll get Abby to fall for him , so he 'll win the building and the girl he can 't get out of his mind . I feel like I 've been waiting FOREVER for this book , but really I haven 't . This is a series that focuses on different characters in each book , I believe it 'll only be on three sisters Abby , Amelia , and Ann but don 't quote me on that ! Anyways , I read Stealing the Groom and fell in love ! I gave it 5 stars and added it to my favourites list . There wasn 't a single thing I disliked and I 've re - read it multiple times . You can click here to see my review for Stealing the Groom . Unfortunately , I tried to request Resisting Her Rival on NetGalley . I was so excited for it ! But then I got the worst email ever , I got declined . . . a tear may have been shed . BUT I pre - order it and I 'm now anxiously ( and impatiently ) waiting for November 17th to come ! ! ! Rating : ★★★ . 5This is the complete Steampunk Fantasy novel - all four parts of the serial in one volume ! Also includes bonus features not found in the episodes ~ Human life has value . The poor living in the gutter are as valuable as the rich living in a manor . The scoundrel is no less valuable than the saint . Because of this , every life a reaper takes must be redeemed . Raven has lived by this first tenet since she was trained by her father to become a reaper . But since his death , she 's been spending years redeeming the lives she 's taken . By her count , she 's even and it 's time for that life to end . If she settles down and becomes a wife , she might just feel human again . But on the way to the life she thinks she wants , the baron of New Haven asks her to complete a task which she cannot ignore … Just when Raven decides to give up on her life as an assassin , she 's pulled right back in . ( Goodreads ) Opening Lines " RAVEN STEELE COUNTED every footstep she chanced through New Haven with the knowledge that any could be her last . But the gamble wouldn 't last long . She quickened her pace . Only two kilometers of brownstone street stood between her and the safety of the forest . " I always try to be 100 % fair when it comes to genres , but I will be completely honest and say that I used to ( okay , I kind of still do ) avoid the Steampunk genre . Why ? Because to be honest I don 't always fully understand it . To some it 's an easy concept , to others it 's complex . And the most important thing is finding an author who can write and write it well ! I have definitely found that in Pauline Creeden . This was my first read by her and boy was it ever interesting and intense ! We were lucky enough to receive Raven in different formats . I kept going back and forth between ebook and PDF version , the ebook version was easier to read on the go . While the PDF version I could sit and read while on my laptop and state at the detailing in the front choice , the headers for each chapter , and the design ! It 's so beautiful ! I 'm hoping that the physical copy will look like this because if it does I will buy it ! ! I really , really liked the characters we are introduced to ! Raven was strong , and a kick - ass kind of girl but she was vulnerable which made her more realistic and a relatable character to readers . Jack , well he 's Captain Jack Grant . Although , I have to say that as much as I was somewhat rooting for Raven and Jack I 'm not sure if I 'm 100 % team Jack . I just feel like the romance was rushed and I would have rather there been a more drastic tie in to their feelings for each other . I didn 't get the ending I wanted , it wasn 't a bad ending . I was just . . . wanting more . I don 't want to give anything away , but I have high hopes for what might develop in the following book or books . . . please let it be books . I chop this up to it probably being more " it 's me , not you " . This was difficult for me to read and I had a very hard time getting into to . It took me longer than expected to finish this ( 6 days ) and I was just starting to get frustrated . I really wanted to invest myself into this book but couldn 't do it . I think I just wasn 't in the right mind set for it , but it did affect me being able to enjoy this story from beginning to end . Overall , Raven was a read I won 't be forgetting about anytime soon . If anything , it 's opened my eyes to this genre . Would I recommend Raven ? Yes , especially if your lucky for a book to test the steampunk genre with . Will I be continuing with there series ? YES ! I can 't wait until The Chronicles of Steele : Darius comes out in 2015 ! I know it 'll focus on a different character but I 'm really hoping we 'll see more of some more of the characters mentioned in Raven . In simple language , Pauline Creeden creates worlds that are both familiar and strange , often pulling the veil between dimensions . She becomes the main character in each of her stories , and because she has ADD , she will get bored if she pretends to be one person for too long . Pauline is a horse trainer from Virginia , but writing is her therapy .
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Jennifer Coburn has always been terrified of dying young . So she decides to save up and drop everything to travel with her daughter , Katie , on a whirlwind European adventure before it 's too late . Even though her husband can 't join them , even though she 's nervous about the journey , and even though she 's perfectly healthy , Jennifer is determined to jam her daughter 's mental photo album with memories ? just in case . From the cafes of Paris to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa , Jennifer and Katie take on Europe one city at a time , united by their desire to see the world and spend precious time together . In this heartwarming generational love story , Jennifer reveals how their adventures helped vanquish her fear of dying . . . for the sake of living . [ Provided by the author ] ( Goodreads ) I remember when I first came across this book and how I was looking forward to reading something that had travelling and a mother - daughter experience all bundled in one ! I read the first part of the Introduction and was happy for the humour and then that was quickly striped away by the second part of the introduction revolving around Jennifer 's father . Once you start reading We 'll Always Have Paris you start to realize why Jennifer is so afraid of dying young and is trying to make the most of this trip , just in case . I understand that authors don 't put everything into the synopsis but I wish the meaning behind Jennifer 's fear of dying was . When the tidbits about her father popped up I started to feel like it was random information just shoved in their to fill space , but I came to understand it 's importance and how it 's shaped Jennifer into the women she is today and why it was so important for her to make the most of memories for Katie . Unfortunately , We 'll Always Have Paris didn 't keep me interested although out . I had to take many breaks from reading it , I feel like I would have enjoyed it more if maybe we had different perspectives or maybe a diary entry or something . I just felt flat being told from first perspective from start to finish . The writing style fell into a couple of awkward ruts of rambling but I really loved the descriptions given . This is one aspect Jennifer excelled at ! I felt like I was with them while they were travel , all their experiences and what they were seeing felt so real ! It made me want to pack a bag , grab my mom and passports and travel all of Europe . Fear of dying is something almost every can relate to , or at least I think . We 'll Always Have Paris had the potential to deliver a powerful message of living your life to the fullest no matter what , but I felt like it didn 't give it 's all . I 'm not saying that message wasn 't conveyed at all , I just felt like to got lost at times . A couple of things just didn 't work for me . I was expecting a happy , humorous read with a great life lesson and that 's not completely what I got . She has also written for Salon . com , Creators News Syndicate and The Huffington Post . Coburn lives in San Diego with her husband , William , and their daughter , Katie . We 'll Always Have Paris is her first memoir . He smiled and reached out to hug me . I again tried to swallow around the lump in my throat . After several run - ins with over - zealous fans , I hesitated whenever a stranger tried to hug me . Today I met people that cared so much about each other that handshakes weren 't enough . Elwood 's voice was shaky . " My whole life I was called a retard . Told I was stupid , worth nothin ' . At Caldwell , they would hit me if I didn 't eat fast enough , make my bed right , or clean the bathroom correct . Took my things , laughed at me when I couldn 't speak , and gave me no respect . Hated it there . I 'll never forget Jack . He met me . Shook my hand . Treated me like a man . He saved my life , and I love him . " I could only nod as Elwood turned and walked up the stairs to the bus . He waved from his seat as it pulled away . I stood , unable to move , as I watched the bus turn down the street . My thoughts were all over the place while everything around me moved in slow motion . I couldn 't answer her . I grabbed her hand and squeezed it as we walked to the car . It was too much , but it was all the right kind of too much . LAURA WARD is the author of New Adult novel , Not Yet , She lives in Maryland with her loud and very loving three children and husband . Laura married her college sweetheart and is endlessly grateful for the support he has given her through all their years together , and especially toward her goal of writing books . When not picking up toy trucks , driving to lacrosse practice , or checking spelling homework , Laura is writing or reading romance novels . I 'm that teenaged girl who has MS . You haven 't met me , but you 've seen me around . You probably know my sister . We 're twins , and she 's the pretty one . Maybe you 've heard about my reputation , how much I like to hook up at parties - how easy it is to get me in bed , get what you want , and forget about me after . Forget what you think you know . I 'm leaving that girl behind . College is all about new beginnings . So from now on - I 'm just Cass . And the rest … it isn 't written yet . And no one else gets to write my story for me . " Tyson Preeter doesn 't do can 't . " That 's exactly what I want people to think when they see me . I am strong , invincible , confident , intelligent - arrogant . I 'm the man who always finds a way around , over and through - until there 's nothing left . Since losing my ability to walk six years ago , I 've relearned life . I don 't need sympathy . I don 't want charity . And I don 't do love . It 's better this way , saves my disappointments for me , and me alone , and it saves my strength for everything I want . But Cass Owens is about to wreck everything . She 's about to steal all of my strength away from me , because she needs it more . She 's about to break all of my rules , and break down all of my walls . She 's about to own me … completely . And I 'm about to let her . * * This is the second book in the Falling series . Each book can be read as a standalone and will focus on a different couple . * * ( Goodreads ) Excerpt I thought I felt foolish about being younger . But that was before I made a floor display of every cliché low - self - esteem brochure printed in the state of Oklahoma . Naturally , the most embarrassing one is in Ty 's hands right now . " How to Love Yourself So Others Will Too , " Ty reads , flipping the book in his hands and skimming his eyes over the description on the back . I take this opportunity to scoop everything else up in my arms and sit on the floor with my legs crossed , quickly stuffing things back in my bag . " Oh , this is good . Wait , listen to this one … " He starts to quote a few of the passages , mocking the stereotypical affirmations and examples in the book . I know they 're stupid - and hearing them now , I 'm not sure why I picked the book up . But reading it made me feel good an hour or two ago . " Wow , what class is making you read this shit ? " he asks , finally putting the book down . His laughter cuts short when he sees me , my eyes buried in my lap . " It 's not for a class , " I say , looking up long enough to get the book from him . " My stuff 's in the dryer . Just … just knock on my door when it buzzes done . " I leave quickly , clutching my things close to my chest and feeling ridiculous . I don 't bother to zip my bag up again , instead carrying it all into my room and letting everything spill out into a pile on my bed . I don 't know what made me check all of these things out . It all started with the book Ty was reading , actually . My hands gravitated to it while I was looking through some of the health and wellness books . At first , my attraction was the same as Ty 's - I found the book amusing . But some of those cheesy sayings actually rang true , especially the ones about feeling inferior to siblings and how we use self - deprecating humor as a crutch . Next thing I knew … I had two books , four magazines , and a dozen brochures . " Dry already ? " I ask , doing my best to pretend none of that happened . I pick the pillow up from my lap , laying it over the embarrassing evidence . " No , " Ty responds , moving closer until he 's at the foot of my bed . Without pause , he slides from his chair to the bed until he 's sitting next to me . He picks up the pillow , and my stomach sinks . His smile is soft as he scoops everything into my bag , and slides it all to the floor , closing the distance between us even more until his hand is suddenly cradling my cheek . " Just so we 're clear here , I mean this , " he says , pressing his lips softly against mine as his other hand moves to my chin , tilting my mouth toward him . I 've been kissed by some pretty convincing boys in my life , each one wanting to make me believe something by the way their mouth worked against mine , the way their tongues coaxed their way inside . This one kiss from Ty was like removing a blindfold . First , I had to remember how to breathe . Then , I had to learn how to survive . Two years , three months and sixteen days had passed since I was the Rowe Stanton from before , since tragedy stole my youth and my heart went along with it . When I left for college , I put a thousand miles between my future and my past . I 'd made a choice - I was going to cross back to the other side , to live with the living . I just didn 't know how . And then I met Nate Preeter . An All - American baseball player , Nate wasn 't supposed to notice a ghost - of - a - girl like me . But he did . He shouldn 't want to know my name . But he did . And when he learned my secret and saw the scars it left behind , he was supposed to run . But he didn 't . My heart was dead , and I was never supposed to belong to anyone . But Nate Preeter had me feeling , and he made me want to be his . He showed me everything I was missing . And then he showed me how to fall . * This is a standalone in a three - part series that will focus on different characters . Each book can be read on its own . * ( Goodreads ) Scott has been writing and editing for newspapers , magazines and blogs for more than 15 years . She has told the stories of Olympians , politicians , actors , scientists , cowboys , criminals and towns . For more on her and her work , visit her website at http : / / www . littlemisswrite . com . Hunter 's presence stirs up everyone around the ranch , including her late husband 's older brother , Cage McCloud . Charlie continuously pushes him away . A near replica of Cash , Cage 's very existence is a painstaking reminder of how much she has lost . Just Not Ready Yet was a book that blew me away . I love reading a good romance story but this one just had elements to it that I wasn 't expecting . This was my first read by Brooklyn James and I 'm definitely interested in reading more of her future work . When I first read the synopsis I gathered the fact that she 's still dealing with the lost of her husband , but the flashbacks throughout this book were beautiful , my eyes were constantly watering ! Trust me when I say those weren 't the only moments my eyes were watering . Although the writing style was a bit hard for me to follow at times , the way Brooklyn James sheds light on her character is just amazing . I wanted happy endings for everyone ! Here I thought I would be getting a cute romance story with the Western setting . This did have the Western setting , but there was nothing cute about the romance ! Now , let me elaborate on that before you get the wrong idea . I thought Charlie would experience a simple romance , something obvious and one that she would have to second guess if it was worth opening her heart again . What I wasn 't expecting was to be so emotionally invested in Just Not Ready Yet ! I didn 't want to put this book down , every chance I got I read a couple of chapters needing to know who she would end up with and how the story would all tie together in the end . I couldn 't even imagine going through what Charlie went through , plus the " secrets " that come out . The life lessons and hidden message throughout Just Not Ready Yet were so inspiring . Overall , Just Not Ready Yet was a great romance read ! This book had get characters , was emotional , great life lessons , and add in sprinkle of hotness ! Brooklyn James is an author / singer / songwriter inspired by life in the Live Music Capital of Austin , Texas . Her first novel , The Boots My Mother Gave Me , has an original music soundtrack and was chosen as a Quarter Finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards . This book has ranked in Kindle 's Top 100 Coming of Age and Women 's Fiction . When she is not writing books , she can be found playing live music around Austin as part of an acoustic duo . Like most everyone , she treasures her time spent with family and friends . She and her husband welcomed their first child this past Christmas . Brooklyn has been in a Weezer video , met Harry Connick Jr . as an extra on the set of When Angels Sing , and she was Mira Sorvino 's stand - in on Jerry Bruckheimer 's Trooper pilot for TNT . She enjoys reading , dancing , working out , fishing with her hubby , and a good glass of kombucha . Brooklyn holds an M . A . in Communication , and a B . S . in both Nursing and Animal Science . Her nursing career has seen specialties in the areas of Intensive Care and Postpartum . She serves as a Guest Speaker with a focus on awareness and prevention of Domestic Violence and Suicide . Then , when more Houses fall victim to freak weather catastrophes , Rho starts seeing a pattern in the stars . She suspects Ophiuchus - the exiled 13th Guardian of Zodiac legend - has returned to exact his revenge across the Galaxy . Now Rho - along with Hysan Dax , a young envoy from House Libra , and Mathias , her guide and a member of her Royal Guard - must travel through the Zodiac to warn the other Guardians . But who will believe anything this young novice says ? Whom can Rho trust in a universe defined by differences ? And how can she convince twelve worlds to unite as one Zodiac ? Why I 'm Waiting I 'm in love with anything that has to do with astrology and I do believe in then especially since mine are always accurate ( I know it 's not something for everyone ) . So the fact that someone is taking that aspect and turning it into a book makes me so excited ! And the synopsis sounds promising , so it was an obvious MUST READ for me ! Since the day of her birth , Princess Faedrah Austiere has been defined by her place within the kingdom . As the single heir to the half - blood gypsy king and his prophesied white queen , she is fiercely protected , shuttered inside an ivory castle and well - trained in the art of war . Yet neither her obligations as future queen nor the black infestation threatening her kingdom fail to hinder the mysterious pull of the antique armoire hidden in her parents ' bedchamber . And stealing the golden key for a leap through time is the only way to confront the dark lord haunting her dreams . One face . The image of one defiant , relentless woman has been stuck in Rhys McEleod 's head ever since he was old enough paint her luscious curves on the canvas . But the day she walks into his life off the street - sexier than hell and itching for a fight - he 's not convinced she 's the same women he 's envisioned since childhood . That is , not until he spots the golden key around her neck - an object he 'd never fully shown in any of his paintings . Now if he could just persuade his lovely muse he 's not the enemy . Unless the elusive Faedrah Austiere learns to trust him , he 'll never have her in his bed - the one place he 's convinced she belongs . ( Goodreads ) This won 't be my first time reading something by AJ Nuest . I received The Golden Key Chronicles from NetGalley via HaperImpluse UK earlier this year and LOVED IT ! ! Thank god it was the bind - up edition because I 'm not sure how I would survive reading one at a time and having to wait for the next one to be released . . . Anyways , so when I came across this beauty on Goodreads I obviously had to add it to my TBR list ! I believe this takes place after The Golden Key Chronicles , but either way I 'm so excited to read this ! Seriously if you like Science Fiction - > Time Travel with some romance I highly recommend giving this series a try ! ! Rating : ★★★★ . 5When two lost souls find each other , are they still lost ? Charlotte O ' Brien is lost in the devastation of her parents ' death . With her foundation in ruins , she buries herself in an unlikely lover , Jason Leer . When they 're together it 's everything , but when they 're apart it 's utterly frustrating . Can love survive when distance is measured in more than just miles ? " My foot will bleed soon . Judging by the familiar curve in the road , I 'm still at least two miles from home . Of course I end up walking home the night I 'm wearing great shoes . The pain shoots through my heels as the clouds flash with lightning in the dark sky . Where do I even begin with this review ? I don 't even know . I read Forgive Me a couple of days ago now and I 'm still trying to get my thoughts and emotions in check , thanks Eliza Freed . The minute I read the first page I was hooked . This author has a way with words , and boy does she know how to tell a story . Her description of the thunderstorm alone had me captivated , I couldn 't put this down and I 'm happy I finished it in one sitting . Well , happy might be a stretch of a word because I know for sure my heart , head , eyes , nose and throat are not happy with all the ugly crying and struggling to breathe . But what did I expect ? Well I knew I was signing myself up for a contemporary new - adult read , but what I didn 't expect was how much of an emotional roller coaster this was going to be and how much of me was going to be left sitting here with tears streaming down my face . I know I probably sound like a broken record but this book broke my heart into tiny little pieces . I cried , I laughed , I got angry , and then I cried some more . And by the end of it all I felt like Forgive Me basically just sat there laughed at me and said " Well hey , now you have to wait until February . " Seriously ! ? FEBRUARY ? ! GIVE ME THE NEXT BOOK NOW ! ! ! Please ? Pretty , pretty please with a fat juicy cherry on top ? Charlotte is by far one a new favourite character . She 's a fictional character but everything about her felt real . It takes a serious amount of talent to breathe life into your characters and Eliza Freed did that . I felt so connected to Charlotte it was almost frightening . She 's been through so much and all I wanted to do was hug her . As much as I 'm not a huge fan of Jason , since he can be a jerk from time to time , I really enjoyed the dynamics of their relationship . We see their long distance relationship put to the test and just when I thought everything was going to be okay , everything got flipped upside down and around ! I wasn 't expecting the religious aspect to things , and at first I was hesitant on how much of it would be used throughout Forgive Me . Why ? Because I 'm in a questionable state with my religion at the moment . But Eliza makes it work , she ties in everything and makes it alright to question your faith , love , humanity , and life itself . Overall , I can 't express enough how heartbreaking and beautiful Forgive Me was ! I only wish I didn 't have to wait until February for Redeem Me , I know it 's less than 3 months away but for me that 's 3 months too long ! Do I recommend picking Forgive Me up ? Yes , I can 't even express how much I want people to read it ! This is seriously an underrated book that more people need to read ! If you enjoy reading new adult , contemporaries , romance , a book with substance and that will make you feel things then pick this up . But you can 't say I didn 't warn you . . . About the AuthorEliza Freed graduated from Rutgers University and returned to her hometown in rural South Jersey . Her mother encouraged her to take some time and find herself . After three months of searching , she began to bounce checks and her neighbors began to talk ; her mother told her to find a job . She settled into Corporate America , learning systems and practices and the bureaucracy that slows them . Eliza quickly discovered her creativity and gift for story telling as a corporate trainer and spent years perfecting her presentation skills and studying diversity . It 's during this time she became an avid observer of the characters we meet and the heartaches we endure . Her years of study have taught her laughter is the key to survival , even when it 's completely inappropriate . She currently lives in New Jersey with her family and a misbehaving beagle named Odin . An avid swimmer , if Eliza is not with her family and friends , she 'd rather be underwater . While she enjoys many genres , she has always been a sucker for a love story … the more screwed up the better . Website | Goodreads | Facebook | Twitter | Google + | Pinterest Abby Snyder finally has the opportunity to expand her diner now that the building next door is available . Unfortunately , she must compete with Nick Coleman to get it . Abby - usually über - responsible - shared one night of intense passion with the playboy , and she 's been trying to forget it ever since . But then Nick bets her the building that he can make her fall in love with him in thirty days . With his reputation ruining his chances at gaining some big clients , Nick needs a way to prove to everyone that he 's reformed . Dating Abby , the most respected girl in town - and the only one he wants - is the perfect solution . Nick 's confident he 'll get Abby to fall for him , so he 'll win the building and the girl he can 't get out of his mind . I feel like I 've been waiting FOREVER for this book , but really I haven 't . This is a series that focuses on different characters in each book , I believe it 'll only be on three sisters Abby , Amelia , and Ann but don 't quote me on that ! Anyways , I read Stealing the Groom and fell in love ! I gave it 5 stars and added it to my favourites list . There wasn 't a single thing I disliked and I 've re - read it multiple times . You can click here to see my review for Stealing the Groom . Unfortunately , I tried to request Resisting Her Rival on NetGalley . I was so excited for it ! But then I got the worst email ever , I got declined . . . a tear may have been shed . BUT I pre - order it and I 'm now anxiously ( and impatiently ) waiting for November 17th to come ! ! ! Rating : ★★★ . 5This is the complete Steampunk Fantasy novel - all four parts of the serial in one volume ! Also includes bonus features not found in the episodes ~ Human life has value . The poor living in the gutter are as valuable as the rich living in a manor . The scoundrel is no less valuable than the saint . Because of this , every life a reaper takes must be redeemed . Raven has lived by this first tenet since she was trained by her father to become a reaper . But since his death , she 's been spending years redeeming the lives she 's taken . By her count , she 's even and it 's time for that life to end . If she settles down and becomes a wife , she might just feel human again . But on the way to the life she thinks she wants , the baron of New Haven asks her to complete a task which she cannot ignore … Just when Raven decides to give up on her life as an assassin , she 's pulled right back in . ( Goodreads ) Opening Lines " RAVEN STEELE COUNTED every footstep she chanced through New Haven with the knowledge that any could be her last . But the gamble wouldn 't last long . She quickened her pace . Only two kilometers of brownstone street stood between her and the safety of the forest . " I always try to be 100 % fair when it comes to genres , but I will be completely honest and say that I used to ( okay , I kind of still do ) avoid the Steampunk genre . Why ? Because to be honest I don 't always fully understand it . To some it 's an easy concept , to others it 's complex . And the most important thing is finding an author who can write and write it well ! I have definitely found that in Pauline Creeden . This was my first read by her and boy was it ever interesting and intense ! We were lucky enough to receive Raven in different formats . I kept going back and forth between ebook and PDF version , the ebook version was easier to read on the go . While the PDF version I could sit and read while on my laptop and state at the detailing in the front choice , the headers for each chapter , and the design ! It 's so beautiful ! I 'm hoping that the physical copy will look like this because if it does I will buy it ! ! I really , really liked the characters we are introduced to ! Raven was strong , and a kick - ass kind of girl but she was vulnerable which made her more realistic and a relatable character to readers . Jack , well he 's Captain Jack Grant . Although , I have to say that as much as I was somewhat rooting for Raven and Jack I 'm not sure if I 'm 100 % team Jack . I just feel like the romance was rushed and I would have rather there been a more drastic tie in to their feelings for each other . I didn 't get the ending I wanted , it wasn 't a bad ending . I was just . . . wanting more . I don 't want to give anything away , but I have high hopes for what might develop in the following book or books . . . please let it be books . I chop this up to it probably being more " it 's me , not you " . This was difficult for me to read and I had a very hard time getting into to . It took me longer than expected to finish this ( 6 days ) and I was just starting to get frustrated . I really wanted to invest myself into this book but couldn 't do it . I think I just wasn 't in the right mind set for it , but it did affect me being able to enjoy this story from beginning to end . Overall , Raven was a read I won 't be forgetting about anytime soon . If anything , it 's opened my eyes to this genre . Would I recommend Raven ? Yes , especially if your lucky for a book to test the steampunk genre with . Will I be continuing with there series ? YES ! I can 't wait until The Chronicles of Steele : Darius comes out in 2015 ! I know it 'll focus on a different character but I 'm really hoping we 'll see more of some more of the characters mentioned in Raven . In simple language , Pauline Creeden creates worlds that are both familiar and strange , often pulling the veil between dimensions . She becomes the main character in each of her stories , and because she has ADD , she will get bored if she pretends to be one person for too long . Pauline is a horse trainer from Virginia , but writing is her therapy .
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Did I spend almost two and a half hours on the phone this morning ( on top of two yesterday ) trying to work out a mistake ( made by the State ) that canceled our health care ? Yep . Did I ever talk to a single person who knew what to do ? Nope . Did I get " accidentally disconnected " four times in a row ? Uh huh . Did I get spoken to like I had the IQ of a meatball , shamed and treated the way I assume they treat all Welfare Mamas ? You bet . Welcome to the wonderful world of being poor . You don 't count as a human being . Get used to it . This job , working at a museum nobody comes to , has been one of the most teaching summers of my life . Alone with my thoughts day after day . I walk the same worn paths , breathing deeply , thinking and seeing things I forgot about all those years I was busy wondering if these jeans made my butt look big , and who would say nasty things about me if I thought for myself , and what , exactly , proved you were a success . The rhythms and routines of opening and closing and locking and checking have wiped out the need to be who I 'm " supposed to be " and opened up the idea that I AM who I am . I find that time doesn 't seem to exist , yet I think I 've learned to understand the passing of time better through little things that would have escaped my notice before . Each day , as the weather shifts , ancient wooden doors shrink or swell , creaky floorboards warp and straighten , patterns I have now subconsciously learned to predict . Following the same trail around the grounds so many mornings , I have accidentally begun to notice the subtle changes in a wayward flower that learns over the narrow lane between garden rows . I 've watched the bud swell , bloom , tip toward the sun , flinging itself open in full summer ecstacy and then wither away over the course of several weeks . Would I have noticed a stray blossom every single day otherwise ? Would not a flower elsewhere been plucked or disturbed ? I 've seen the raspberries grow to bursting with sweet , warm juice and I knew the day they 'd be perfect , the way one knows their own children . The fat , grey spider living beneath the eves of the ice house has spun and repaired her intricate web a dozen times , each new weaving a bit different from the last , and now she huddles up high on these cool mornings , her egg sac close by . Without meaning to , I began measuring the water in the brook by the amount trickling though the millstone and could gauge it from a distance by the low gurgle heard from the porch . Away from the stress and worries of real life , these things matter more . Maybe it 's time that " real Emily This blog used to be sort of like my journal . . . but lately facebook is more like my journal . I got to thinking that eventually facebook will probably blow up or something and all of us junkies will have to go into rehab to deal with it , and since I ( doting and dorky mom that I am ) post every cute or funny thing my kids say and do on facebook , as well as my daily mishaps , that stuff could be lost forever . ( Gasp ! ) I thought I 'd copy and paste a whole mess of past status updates and cover my bases . In this modern day , it 's rare that we record our little moments the way we did once upon a time . . . the boys have scrap books , but I often wish I was jotting down all the quirky things they say and all that happens to us daily . . . luckily , turns out I kinda did . Here goes . My obsessive multi - tasking has dealt me a low blow . . . I lost a button this morning while getting into the car , so while driving , I was blindly groping around in my over - stuffed purse for a safety pin when my hand closed over a Bic razor that I 'd thrown in a week ago when I was rushing to Zumba and noticed that I 'd ' missed a spot ' . The razor had become uncapped and my thumb got neatly sliced open when I grabbed it . Moral ( s ) of the story : 1 . ) Just drive . Look for shit later . 2 . ) Shave legs properly the first time around . 3 . ) Wear a corset if your gown is tight enough to pop buttons and send them flying across your driveway . Hey everybody , thanks for all the birthday love ! I work most weekends now , but did take yesterday off and went to see The World 's Biggest Boulder . . . which is basically just a dang , enormous rock plunked down in the middle of the NH woods but still , it was pretty awesome . And . . . since it was moved there by a glacier , it 's clearly older than me , which feels good . 8 - 30 - 13 A stranger just left a comment on my blog about how I was an inspiration to other single moms and I both cried with gratitude and felt like a big phony . Because no , actually , I DON ' T have my life all together and I hope I don 't accidentally give people the impression that I do . I make it through every single day by the seat of my pants with my fingers crossed that my kids and I come out the other side unscathed . Just like the rest of you . So , if anyone else looks at cute pictures online while reading semi amusing quips about parenting and wonders if they are the only ones left struggling , treading water , tired and scared . . . trust me , you 're not . Word to the wise : when you can 't find your kid 's soccer shin guards , always look in the last place they could possibly be . Forget about searching for them in LOGICAL spots because you 'll be simply wasting a couple of valuable hours , just go straight for the old fashioned , wooden ice cream maker and VOILA ! Shin guards ! Hey Tunbridge Alums , remember The Big Rock ? Well , not only is it still there ( go figure ) but the rampant poison ivy still grows everywhere around it , as Ira found out yesterday . Helloooooo calamine lotion ! I heroically passed up the package of cookies on the counter this morning , when I COULD have stuffed them into my lunch basket , and now I 'm like " DAMN ! Why didn 't I pack those cookies ? ! ? I WANT those cookies ! ! ! ! ! " Which I knew I was going to do , which is why I left them behind . I live so far on the wild side , it 's scary . OK , Like I didn 't have enough to cry about on the boy 's first day back at school , ( 1st and 3rd grade . . . . holy cow ! ) but Eli is now upstairs with the big kids and they have LOCKERS . OMG . I could pretend they were still babies back when they had cubbies . . . but c ' mon , LOCKERS ? ! Sigh . I can 't stand it . Thank goodness Ira still has a cubby and his teacher greeted us holding a fuzzy bunny , otherwise I would have been a complete mess . Total cliche ' . My kids got the most fun birthday gifts yesterday and yet , of course , they have been out on the porch all morning , cutting holes in the empty boxes to create masks , boats and forts . Cardboard Box , the ultimate present . . . when will we parents learn ? ! Following a flurry of gifts at the break of dawn , ( our apartment is now trashed ) the birthday boys are sitting in the middle of the complete , vintage , 70 's Fisher Price town that I remember from my childhood . After I found this set at a second hand shop a few weeks ago , I sat down and played with it , literally PLAYED , for an hour before I could wrap it up . So , so fun . Not to sound old or anything , but . . . they sure don 't make toys like they used to . Luckily my Bubs seem to agree . My kids are stuffed into a love seat with Grammy Jane watching some video of James Taylor on tour . I said , " Guys , I think it 's just about bath time " but Eli waved me away , protesting : " Mom ! We HAVE to watch the rest of this Taylor James concert ! The professor that 's here on research for a week is proving to be a fun museum buddy . Since the weather seems to be keeping visitors away , she and I have done some exploring with the big box of random skeleton keys and earlier we found an entire hidden library that I never knew about , locked up over one of the outbuildings ! ( We squealed like children while we jumped up and down . What ? ! It was very exciting . ) Nerd paradise around here today . I believe today 's wedding will make the 80th one I 've shot . Over the years , I 've had a flower girl bite me , a distraught bride swear at me , and I 've narrowly missed being puked on by a hungover groom . I 've held dog leashes , sewed ripped dress trains , mixed another batch of punch , loaned bobby pins , arranged flowers and taken over for the DJ . . . . . Ah , the exciting life of a wedding photographer ! Happy that we went to the touching wedding of dear friends yesterday and my kids were not in the least bit confused by the fact that there were TWO beautiful brides . They clapped and cheered and had a wonderful time celebrating . Love is love is love . The little ones get it . So should we all . When I left work , I rolled the car windows down to catch a nice , cool breeze . . . but then the 56429860023 Pokemon cards my kids left scattered over the backseat started flying out and I had to pull over in the middle of Strafford to pick them up . ( Or else be a litter bug and a rotten mom . ) An older couple slowed down in their diesel Mercedes to stare and ask if I was OK ( I 'm still in a hoop - skirt , mind you , scurrying in and out of the ditch ) and I said : " Yeah , I 'm just picking up my Pokemon cards ! " Then I started to laugh and laugh because it 's Friday and the world is nuts . Myself included . Whoa . My last tour was a brave , sweet nurse who practically carried her hospice patient through this museum . Visiting it was on the elderly lady 's " bucket list " and the nurse was determined she see it before it was too late . I don 't care how crappy this world seems sometimes , there is just as much good as evil . Maybe more . Proof positive . Also , after today , hospice nurses are my heros . Aw ! Chuck just came down from the carriage barn to tell me that someone left a glowing note in the guest book about how much they loved taking the museum tour with me and my kids . That feels dang GOOD . This job makes me happy and I 'm very glad to have it . Everyone should be so lucky . Picking up Captain 's ashes today . I still expect him to run out to meet us every time we drive in . We sure miss you , little pup . Whoa . Being me , I never bother to read the fine print . Looking it over this morning , I see I get tons of cool perks through work that I didn 't realize ! Free admission for me and my kids to pretty much every place we 'd want to go . Discounts up the wazoo ! Yay for being a State employee ! Instead of the usual , elaborate dress I wear for work , today I opted for vintage styled riding breeches and boots with my shirtwaist . The weather 's too messy , who knows what sort of things I 'll be needing to do with all this water happening : mopping and such . No biggie , I 'll just look like a liberated Victorian woman at her country estate . Luckily , I 'm the sort of lady who would have worn pants if she darn well felt like it . Anyhow , walking around the apartment this morning , Eli is stunned . " Mom ! Pants ? ! ? It 's still the 1800 's ! THE OLDEN DAYS , remember ? You can 't wear PANTS ! " Aw . My little historian . In full 1800 's regalia , pursuing crackers and cheese , I squeezed past a delivery guy restocking the Pepsi cooler at the general store . He gave me a weird look as I straightened my feathered hat , and I thought to myself : " The people who don 't know me must think I 'm some sort of wacko . " But then I comforted myself with the knowledge that the people who DO know me think the same . Happy Father 's Day to my dad ! ! ! ! Who else could stay sane through three teenage daughters at once ? But he 's still got enough energy for the second round of little ones . . . spends time with my boys every day , going for hikes , playing ball , riding bikes , building stuff , making music , cuddling down with popcorn and old movies , and he helps us to pull off any wacky project we come up with . . . no dream is too big ! Hats off to Grampa Butchie ! Trying to finish memorizing a wealth of historical information , ( mostly politics . . . yikes ! ) before next week when we open for the season , and wondering if the smell of mothballs will linger in my hair forevermore . . . Welcome to my new job as curator / historian at the Justin Smith Morrill Homestead in Strafford . Come visit me at the museum this summer ! I 'll give you a delightful guided tour , and yell at you if you step off the runners onto my Victorian carpet ! Whoops , you missed a spot . Still finding quills in Captain that escaped notice the first time around . Good grief . Porcupines are not high on my list of favorite animals at the moment . . . actually , for that matter , neither is my dog . This handsome , giant , grown - up kid , wearing cleats and telling me what 's what about baseball , was JUST my tiny newborn baby five minutes ago , I swear . TOO FAST ! ! ! ! I refuse to blink for the next ten years . My big guy had his first baseball game tonight , I just had to drop him off and then go to work , which was heartbreaking . . . I sniffled all the way to South Royalton because I 'm a sentimental freak , I guess . Working at night means I miss out on SO much . Anyway , I hear he made a good catch at second base and also got a nice hit . I 'm so proud of him . Substituted for the music teacher today . At first I was thinking , " No sweat , I LOVE music , I 'll ace this ! Yay me ! " We sang some songs , did some clapping exercises , all was well . . . UNTIL kids started arriving with their clarinets and whatnot . . . . then , unfortunately , my non - existant band - leading skills threw us for a loop . One little girl , holding up her random , unidentifiable brass object : " ' Miss Emily , where 's F Sharp again ? " Me : " Ummm . . . that 's for me to not know and you to find out . " Mom is giving Avry a little piano lesson this morning , teaching her a simple song that goes : " I love coffee , I love tea , I love the boys and the boys love me . . . " Immediately after singing it she said , " Ummmm . . . . let 's change those words to be something else . . . . " Good call Mom , good call . I am about to lace up my sneakers and go sweat tonight to prove to myself that nothing , nothing , NOTHING can ever stop life and light and love . No matter what challenges or tragedies we may face , we must ALWAYS get back up and keep on keeping on . Because we are stronger than the dark . Peace to those in Boston , I 'm pulling for you all . Getting the kids all bundled to head outside . Ira opened the door , ready to go , and called to Captain , our dog , " Come on Sweetheart ! " As the dog ran through , Ira turned back and confided in a loud whisper , " Mom , he 's not really my sweetheart , but I just don 't want to hurt his feelings . " Oh , know what you guys ? We have so many ticks in VT now because apparently the winters aren 't cold enough to kill ' em off anymore . So , count every day below zero as one less gross tick you 'll have to pull from behind your kid 's ear next summer and panic about . DIE TICKS ! Wanted to remind everyone that my sister Jen gives amazing massages ! I just redeemed my Christmas coupon from her and drooled all over the floor . It 's a wonderful and healthy thing to do for your body , ( the massage , not the drooling ! ) and she 's pretty darn inexpensive as well ! Try it ! Last year , Gramp was clowning around in the middle of the room at our Christmas celebration , making us all laugh with his antics during charades . . . only days later , a stroke almost took him from us . And even though he can 't walk or get both arms around us anymore , there is just as much love in his right armed hugs ! So very grateful that we still have Gramp . Christmas wouldn 't be Christmas without him . Ha ! My sister decided to have her hair cut off , super short , ( it looks really cute , by the way ) and when my five year old niece , Avry , saw her she shrieked ; " Oh EW ! Now I have TWO dads ! " Even though I 'm always half off my rocker lately , life is hectic , and actual real Christmas cards were sent out to the very barest minimum of close family , it doesn 't mean we don 't love you ! We do ! We do ! Warmest thanks to the amazing people in our life , every one of you . . . feeling very blessed to have you all . Happy Holidays ! From Emily , Eli and Ira You know what ? I 've been horrified all day , but somehow it didn 't REALLY hit home until I put my boys to bed and they did their usual stalling , asking for one more drink and one more kiss . If I lost my kids , I would just die , that 's what . Oh my God , those poor , poor people . Gotta say it . . . maybe it 's cheesy , but I LOVE Christmas lights . Feels so holiday - ish to be driving home in the snow last night and seeing all those houses down below the interstate sparkle . I like to think about the people , up on ladders with their staple guns or whatever , untangling strings of lights and decorating their homes . It reminds me that joy must be in the air for everyone to do silly , wonderful things simply out of festive spirit . How cool is that ? And the wreaths , boughs , candles in windows . The great , old renditions of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and We Three Kings . Even the inflatable snowmen . I love that there is a time of year when we can be sappy and it 's OK . Ira has been upset for a couple days because he brought his emu egg to school for Show & Tell where somebody sat on it and broke it . Tonight , at an after - school program , there was a game where you got a prize for guessing the correct number of blocks in a big jar . Eli wrote down the correct answer , but when the winner was announced , they called up a beaming Ira by mistake ! Eli , knowing that Ira was sad about his egg , whispered the mistake to me but did not want to correct it . He said he knew Ira was sad , so he wanted Ira to be the winner instead of him . And Ira promptly told Eli he could share the prize and they are now playing together with it , nicely . Have I died and gone to Mommy Heaven ? ! Where is the blood and ear piercing screams ? My eight year old just got out his wrench set and leveled our toilet which has been feeling kinda tippy all week . " Yup , all fixed Mom . " ( Said like a grown man , as he dusted his hands off on his jeans . ) Twenty minutes later he threw a toddler style tantrum on the floor because I put a stop to the trick - or - treat bag assault that was happening before dinner . Good to know my babies are still my babies . Coming home from grocery shopping just now , Ira was looking at a newspaper and pretending to read the weather report . " Mom , there 's a big volcano moving this way . " So , consider yourself warned . Caeli Cavenough is our hero ! ( And facebook ! I swear , I will never , ever delete my facebook account after this ! ) Caeli saw the post about our missing dog , and remembered that she 'd seen a dog that looked like that , went out and found our Captain ! Captain walked 14 miles , coming back to Tunbridge . What an incredible journey . His little paws are all swollen and sore , but he and Eli are curled up on the couch together right now , having a good cry . A happy cry . Thank you everyone for spreading the word . When I was little , my sisters and I believed this rock , that had a hole in the center of it , in the brook was magic . Like a wishing well . If you stood up on the bank and threw a small stone in , you got your wish . If you missed , you didn 't . And the rule was : you could only do it once a day . ( I would sometimes cheat and do it a couple times when nobody was looking because I was such a bad shot and would always miss . I 've got it down now though . ) I was outside this afternoon , running around hanging on to the back of Ira 's bike as he tried ( yet again ) to ride a two wheeler . After getting sick of both the sun and running all hunched over , I went in to do the dishes , but Eli stuck with it and came racing in a while ago yelling " Mom ! He finally did it ! " I went out to find that , lo and behold , he did ! A big brother 's patience won out . Ira demanded I put it in the newspaper immediately , but seemed satisfied with facebook for now . I check on my kids several times a night because they move around so much I often need to cover them back up again , un - wedge stuffed animals from under their backs , move them closer to the center of the bed if they are dangling off , or whatever . I usually laugh and go get my camera to take a shot of whatever weird position they 've fallen asleep in . They must have been super heros in their dreams last night . After being outside in the heat all day , we 've poured tall glasses of lemonade and the kids have sat down with an old , Buster Keaton silent movie while I get ready for work . ( Note : I said ' SILENT movie ' ) So , I 'm shaving my legs with an electric razor when Eli disgustedly exclaims , " Geez Mom ! We can 't hear over your hair machine ! " I retire to the bathroom thinking both : " Hair Machine ? ! " and " Hello ! ? SILENT movie ! " Eli unearthed an old Furby in Grammy 's toy box this morning . ( I 'd thankfully forgotten those things existed ) He has dubbed it " My Baby Owl " and has turned obsessively maternal , responding to it 's every cry , demand and burp . All worn out after only a couple hours , he just told it to please take a nap . Good , now maybe he 'll understand how I feel . Eli & Ira were born this day ! 7 & 4 years ago ! My darlings are getting so grown - up . . . Ira got TWO gummy vitamins this morning instead of just one , an exciting epoch in his life . You know what ? I just really love the Muppets . Nothing on TV has been as cool since . I mean , MAYBE there 's stuff that comes close . . . I wouldn 't know , ' cause I don 't actually watch TV , but the Muppets were the best , man . " Tap , tap , tap , tap . . . " Me ( from upstairs ) : " Did you guys let that lamb in the house again ? " Kids ( in unison ) : " Nooooooo . . . ! " Me : " Then what 's that noise ? " Eli : " It 's . . . ummmm . . . ummmm . . . . Ira wearing high heels . " Me : " Put her back out . " The other day in the car , Ira informed Tess Johnson , " people that have ' ginas can jump higher than people that gots none . " And I , embarrassed , explained that vaginas don 't actually include super powers , only for him to get really mad at me because he meant GIANTS , not vaginas . Sometimes , things are lost in translation when you are three . IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ! ! ! ! ! ! My afternoon just got AWESOME . Will 's creamee machine is up and running ! I don 't care what the calendar says . . . I don 't care what the thermometor says . . . it 's now OFFICIALLY SPRING ! ! ! ! ! Eli & Ira are playing with LEGOS . Eli says , " Look Mom ! " and holds up an intricate helicopter , complete with spinning propeller , landing gear , and working doors . Ira holds up a colorful clump and cheerfully says , " Mine 's a porch that can 't stand up ! " Whoops , just accidentally left the back door open a crack when I popped out to chase the dog and one of the ponies got into the house . . . I mean , he is only 36 inches high , but still , a horse in the house is pretty weird . Ira was yelling , " Maaaaaaammmmma . . . Dexter trying ta take my sammich ! " I found a sealed envelope in my bag last night . Inside was a crayoned picture of a cowboy and some hearts and the slanted words " I LOVE YOU SO MUCH . " When I asked him about it , Eli said : " Yeah , I was going to give it to someone else but then I just decided to give it to you . " No more diapers ! ! ! ! ! ! We are done forever ! ! ! ! ( Although , I guess I 'll probably need them someday . . . but hopefully somebody else will have to change them by that time ! ) Since the kid 's squabbling over the soccer ball in the other room didn 't sound life threatening , I ignored it , until I heard Eli sobbing . . . Sitting on the floor , with his head in his hands , bawling . " Where 'd you get hit ? " I ask . " Nowhere . Ira KEEPS picking up the ball , he 's never going to be a professional soccer player if he kepts touching it with his hands . " I noticed the chickens were making a racket , so I peeked at them . On my way back to the house , Ira sticks his head out the back door and yells : " HEY ! ! ! They wants their EGGS BACK ! ! ! ! " My sister just brought me warm peanut butter cookies ! But then she told me my sweater was wicked ugly . Ah , the sibling love / hate warm & fuzzies . Wow . I just lassoed our upsidedown picnic table and dragged it back in to the river bank as it was starting to float away . First time EVER that that useless skill has come in handy . I adore that Barbara Cohen gets her newspaper every morning , goes out into her pasture , stands there , and reads it to her horse and donkey . And they just listen . Every morning .
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Did I spend almost two and a half hours on the phone this morning ( on top of two yesterday ) trying to work out a mistake ( made by the State ) that canceled our health care ? Yep . Did I ever talk to a single person who knew what to do ? Nope . Did I get " accidentally disconnected " four times in a row ? Uh huh . Did I get spoken to like I had the IQ of a meatball , shamed and treated the way I assume they treat all Welfare Mamas ? You bet . Welcome to the wonderful world of being poor . You don 't count as a human being . Get used to it . This job , working at a museum nobody comes to , has been one of the most teaching summers of my life . Alone with my thoughts day after day . I walk the same worn paths , breathing deeply , thinking and seeing things I forgot about all those years I was busy wondering if these jeans made my butt look big , and who would say nasty things about me if I thought for myself , and what , exactly , proved you were a success . The rhythms and routines of opening and closing and locking and checking have wiped out the need to be who I 'm " supposed to be " and opened up the idea that I AM who I am . I find that time doesn 't seem to exist , yet I think I 've learned to understand the passing of time better through little things that would have escaped my notice before . Each day , as the weather shifts , ancient wooden doors shrink or swell , creaky floorboards warp and straighten , patterns I have now subconsciously learned to predict . Following the same trail around the grounds so many mornings , I have accidentally begun to notice the subtle changes in a wayward flower that learns over the narrow lane between garden rows . I 've watched the bud swell , bloom , tip toward the sun , flinging itself open in full summer ecstacy and then wither away over the course of several weeks . Would I have noticed a stray blossom every single day otherwise ? Would not a flower elsewhere been plucked or disturbed ? I 've seen the raspberries grow to bursting with sweet , warm juice and I knew the day they 'd be perfect , the way one knows their own children . The fat , grey spider living beneath the eves of the ice house has spun and repaired her intricate web a dozen times , each new weaving a bit different from the last , and now she huddles up high on these cool mornings , her egg sac close by . Without meaning to , I began measuring the water in the brook by the amount trickling though the millstone and could gauge it from a distance by the low gurgle heard from the porch . Away from the stress and worries of real life , these things matter more . Maybe it 's time that " real Emily This blog used to be sort of like my journal . . . but lately facebook is more like my journal . I got to thinking that eventually facebook will probably blow up or something and all of us junkies will have to go into rehab to deal with it , and since I ( doting and dorky mom that I am ) post every cute or funny thing my kids say and do on facebook , as well as my daily mishaps , that stuff could be lost forever . ( Gasp ! ) I thought I 'd copy and paste a whole mess of past status updates and cover my bases . In this modern day , it 's rare that we record our little moments the way we did once upon a time . . . the boys have scrap books , but I often wish I was jotting down all the quirky things they say and all that happens to us daily . . . luckily , turns out I kinda did . Here goes . My obsessive multi - tasking has dealt me a low blow . . . I lost a button this morning while getting into the car , so while driving , I was blindly groping around in my over - stuffed purse for a safety pin when my hand closed over a Bic razor that I 'd thrown in a week ago when I was rushing to Zumba and noticed that I 'd ' missed a spot ' . The razor had become uncapped and my thumb got neatly sliced open when I grabbed it . Moral ( s ) of the story : 1 . ) Just drive . Look for shit later . 2 . ) Shave legs properly the first time around . 3 . ) Wear a corset if your gown is tight enough to pop buttons and send them flying across your driveway . Hey everybody , thanks for all the birthday love ! I work most weekends now , but did take yesterday off and went to see The World 's Biggest Boulder . . . which is basically just a dang , enormous rock plunked down in the middle of the NH woods but still , it was pretty awesome . And . . . since it was moved there by a glacier , it 's clearly older than me , which feels good . 8 - 30 - 13 A stranger just left a comment on my blog about how I was an inspiration to other single moms and I both cried with gratitude and felt like a big phony . Because no , actually , I DON ' T have my life all together and I hope I don 't accidentally give people the impression that I do . I make it through every single day by the seat of my pants with my fingers crossed that my kids and I come out the other side unscathed . Just like the rest of you . So , if anyone else looks at cute pictures online while reading semi amusing quips about parenting and wonders if they are the only ones left struggling , treading water , tired and scared . . . trust me , you 're not . Word to the wise : when you can 't find your kid 's soccer shin guards , always look in the last place they could possibly be . Forget about searching for them in LOGICAL spots because you 'll be simply wasting a couple of valuable hours , just go straight for the old fashioned , wooden ice cream maker and VOILA ! Shin guards ! Hey Tunbridge Alums , remember The Big Rock ? Well , not only is it still there ( go figure ) but the rampant poison ivy still grows everywhere around it , as Ira found out yesterday . Helloooooo calamine lotion ! I heroically passed up the package of cookies on the counter this morning , when I COULD have stuffed them into my lunch basket , and now I 'm like " DAMN ! Why didn 't I pack those cookies ? ! ? I WANT those cookies ! ! ! ! ! " Which I knew I was going to do , which is why I left them behind . I live so far on the wild side , it 's scary . OK , Like I didn 't have enough to cry about on the boy 's first day back at school , ( 1st and 3rd grade . . . . holy cow ! ) but Eli is now upstairs with the big kids and they have LOCKERS . OMG . I could pretend they were still babies back when they had cubbies . . . but c ' mon , LOCKERS ? ! Sigh . I can 't stand it . Thank goodness Ira still has a cubby and his teacher greeted us holding a fuzzy bunny , otherwise I would have been a complete mess . Total cliche ' . My kids got the most fun birthday gifts yesterday and yet , of course , they have been out on the porch all morning , cutting holes in the empty boxes to create masks , boats and forts . Cardboard Box , the ultimate present . . . when will we parents learn ? ! Following a flurry of gifts at the break of dawn , ( our apartment is now trashed ) the birthday boys are sitting in the middle of the complete , vintage , 70 's Fisher Price town that I remember from my childhood . After I found this set at a second hand shop a few weeks ago , I sat down and played with it , literally PLAYED , for an hour before I could wrap it up . So , so fun . Not to sound old or anything , but . . . they sure don 't make toys like they used to . Luckily my Bubs seem to agree . My kids are stuffed into a love seat with Grammy Jane watching some video of James Taylor on tour . I said , " Guys , I think it 's just about bath time " but Eli waved me away , protesting : " Mom ! We HAVE to watch the rest of this Taylor James concert ! The professor that 's here on research for a week is proving to be a fun museum buddy . Since the weather seems to be keeping visitors away , she and I have done some exploring with the big box of random skeleton keys and earlier we found an entire hidden library that I never knew about , locked up over one of the outbuildings ! ( We squealed like children while we jumped up and down . What ? ! It was very exciting . ) Nerd paradise around here today . I believe today 's wedding will make the 80th one I 've shot . Over the years , I 've had a flower girl bite me , a distraught bride swear at me , and I 've narrowly missed being puked on by a hungover groom . I 've held dog leashes , sewed ripped dress trains , mixed another batch of punch , loaned bobby pins , arranged flowers and taken over for the DJ . . . . . Ah , the exciting life of a wedding photographer ! Happy that we went to the touching wedding of dear friends yesterday and my kids were not in the least bit confused by the fact that there were TWO beautiful brides . They clapped and cheered and had a wonderful time celebrating . Love is love is love . The little ones get it . So should we all . When I left work , I rolled the car windows down to catch a nice , cool breeze . . . but then the 56429860023 Pokemon cards my kids left scattered over the backseat started flying out and I had to pull over in the middle of Strafford to pick them up . ( Or else be a litter bug and a rotten mom . ) An older couple slowed down in their diesel Mercedes to stare and ask if I was OK ( I 'm still in a hoop - skirt , mind you , scurrying in and out of the ditch ) and I said : " Yeah , I 'm just picking up my Pokemon cards ! " Then I started to laugh and laugh because it 's Friday and the world is nuts . Myself included . Whoa . My last tour was a brave , sweet nurse who practically carried her hospice patient through this museum . Visiting it was on the elderly lady 's " bucket list " and the nurse was determined she see it before it was too late . I don 't care how crappy this world seems sometimes , there is just as much good as evil . Maybe more . Proof positive . Also , after today , hospice nurses are my heros . Aw ! Chuck just came down from the carriage barn to tell me that someone left a glowing note in the guest book about how much they loved taking the museum tour with me and my kids . That feels dang GOOD . This job makes me happy and I 'm very glad to have it . Everyone should be so lucky . Picking up Captain 's ashes today . I still expect him to run out to meet us every time we drive in . We sure miss you , little pup . Whoa . Being me , I never bother to read the fine print . Looking it over this morning , I see I get tons of cool perks through work that I didn 't realize ! Free admission for me and my kids to pretty much every place we 'd want to go . Discounts up the wazoo ! Yay for being a State employee ! Instead of the usual , elaborate dress I wear for work , today I opted for vintage styled riding breeches and boots with my shirtwaist . The weather 's too messy , who knows what sort of things I 'll be needing to do with all this water happening : mopping and such . No biggie , I 'll just look like a liberated Victorian woman at her country estate . Luckily , I 'm the sort of lady who would have worn pants if she darn well felt like it . Anyhow , walking around the apartment this morning , Eli is stunned . " Mom ! Pants ? ! ? It 's still the 1800 's ! THE OLDEN DAYS , remember ? You can 't wear PANTS ! " Aw . My little historian . In full 1800 's regalia , pursuing crackers and cheese , I squeezed past a delivery guy restocking the Pepsi cooler at the general store . He gave me a weird look as I straightened my feathered hat , and I thought to myself : " The people who don 't know me must think I 'm some sort of wacko . " But then I comforted myself with the knowledge that the people who DO know me think the same . Happy Father 's Day to my dad ! ! ! ! Who else could stay sane through three teenage daughters at once ? But he 's still got enough energy for the second round of little ones . . . spends time with my boys every day , going for hikes , playing ball , riding bikes , building stuff , making music , cuddling down with popcorn and old movies , and he helps us to pull off any wacky project we come up with . . . no dream is too big ! Hats off to Grampa Butchie ! Trying to finish memorizing a wealth of historical information , ( mostly politics . . . yikes ! ) before next week when we open for the season , and wondering if the smell of mothballs will linger in my hair forevermore . . . Welcome to my new job as curator / historian at the Justin Smith Morrill Homestead in Strafford . Come visit me at the museum this summer ! I 'll give you a delightful guided tour , and yell at you if you step off the runners onto my Victorian carpet ! Whoops , you missed a spot . Still finding quills in Captain that escaped notice the first time around . Good grief . Porcupines are not high on my list of favorite animals at the moment . . . actually , for that matter , neither is my dog . This handsome , giant , grown - up kid , wearing cleats and telling me what 's what about baseball , was JUST my tiny newborn baby five minutes ago , I swear . TOO FAST ! ! ! ! I refuse to blink for the next ten years . My big guy had his first baseball game tonight , I just had to drop him off and then go to work , which was heartbreaking . . . I sniffled all the way to South Royalton because I 'm a sentimental freak , I guess . Working at night means I miss out on SO much . Anyway , I hear he made a good catch at second base and also got a nice hit . I 'm so proud of him . Substituted for the music teacher today . At first I was thinking , " No sweat , I LOVE music , I 'll ace this ! Yay me ! " We sang some songs , did some clapping exercises , all was well . . . UNTIL kids started arriving with their clarinets and whatnot . . . . then , unfortunately , my non - existant band - leading skills threw us for a loop . One little girl , holding up her random , unidentifiable brass object : " ' Miss Emily , where 's F Sharp again ? " Me : " Ummm . . . that 's for me to not know and you to find out . " Mom is giving Avry a little piano lesson this morning , teaching her a simple song that goes : " I love coffee , I love tea , I love the boys and the boys love me . . . " Immediately after singing it she said , " Ummmm . . . . let 's change those words to be something else . . . . " Good call Mom , good call . I am about to lace up my sneakers and go sweat tonight to prove to myself that nothing , nothing , NOTHING can ever stop life and light and love . No matter what challenges or tragedies we may face , we must ALWAYS get back up and keep on keeping on . Because we are stronger than the dark . Peace to those in Boston , I 'm pulling for you all . Getting the kids all bundled to head outside . Ira opened the door , ready to go , and called to Captain , our dog , " Come on Sweetheart ! " As the dog ran through , Ira turned back and confided in a loud whisper , " Mom , he 's not really my sweetheart , but I just don 't want to hurt his feelings . " Oh , know what you guys ? We have so many ticks in VT now because apparently the winters aren 't cold enough to kill ' em off anymore . So , count every day below zero as one less gross tick you 'll have to pull from behind your kid 's ear next summer and panic about . DIE TICKS ! Wanted to remind everyone that my sister Jen gives amazing massages ! I just redeemed my Christmas coupon from her and drooled all over the floor . It 's a wonderful and healthy thing to do for your body , ( the massage , not the drooling ! ) and she 's pretty darn inexpensive as well ! Try it ! Last year , Gramp was clowning around in the middle of the room at our Christmas celebration , making us all laugh with his antics during charades . . . only days later , a stroke almost took him from us . And even though he can 't walk or get both arms around us anymore , there is just as much love in his right armed hugs ! So very grateful that we still have Gramp . Christmas wouldn 't be Christmas without him . Ha ! My sister decided to have her hair cut off , super short , ( it looks really cute , by the way ) and when my five year old niece , Avry , saw her she shrieked ; " Oh EW ! Now I have TWO dads ! " Even though I 'm always half off my rocker lately , life is hectic , and actual real Christmas cards were sent out to the very barest minimum of close family , it doesn 't mean we don 't love you ! We do ! We do ! Warmest thanks to the amazing people in our life , every one of you . . . feeling very blessed to have you all . Happy Holidays ! From Emily , Eli and Ira You know what ? I 've been horrified all day , but somehow it didn 't REALLY hit home until I put my boys to bed and they did their usual stalling , asking for one more drink and one more kiss . If I lost my kids , I would just die , that 's what . Oh my God , those poor , poor people . Gotta say it . . . maybe it 's cheesy , but I LOVE Christmas lights . Feels so holiday - ish to be driving home in the snow last night and seeing all those houses down below the interstate sparkle . I like to think about the people , up on ladders with their staple guns or whatever , untangling strings of lights and decorating their homes . It reminds me that joy must be in the air for everyone to do silly , wonderful things simply out of festive spirit . How cool is that ? And the wreaths , boughs , candles in windows . The great , old renditions of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and We Three Kings . Even the inflatable snowmen . I love that there is a time of year when we can be sappy and it 's OK . Ira has been upset for a couple days because he brought his emu egg to school for Show & Tell where somebody sat on it and broke it . Tonight , at an after - school program , there was a game where you got a prize for guessing the correct number of blocks in a big jar . Eli wrote down the correct answer , but when the winner was announced , they called up a beaming Ira by mistake ! Eli , knowing that Ira was sad about his egg , whispered the mistake to me but did not want to correct it . He said he knew Ira was sad , so he wanted Ira to be the winner instead of him . And Ira promptly told Eli he could share the prize and they are now playing together with it , nicely . Have I died and gone to Mommy Heaven ? ! Where is the blood and ear piercing screams ? My eight year old just got out his wrench set and leveled our toilet which has been feeling kinda tippy all week . " Yup , all fixed Mom . " ( Said like a grown man , as he dusted his hands off on his jeans . ) Twenty minutes later he threw a toddler style tantrum on the floor because I put a stop to the trick - or - treat bag assault that was happening before dinner . Good to know my babies are still my babies . Coming home from grocery shopping just now , Ira was looking at a newspaper and pretending to read the weather report . " Mom , there 's a big volcano moving this way . " So , consider yourself warned . Caeli Cavenough is our hero ! ( And facebook ! I swear , I will never , ever delete my facebook account after this ! ) Caeli saw the post about our missing dog , and remembered that she 'd seen a dog that looked like that , went out and found our Captain ! Captain walked 14 miles , coming back to Tunbridge . What an incredible journey . His little paws are all swollen and sore , but he and Eli are curled up on the couch together right now , having a good cry . A happy cry . Thank you everyone for spreading the word . When I was little , my sisters and I believed this rock , that had a hole in the center of it , in the brook was magic . Like a wishing well . If you stood up on the bank and threw a small stone in , you got your wish . If you missed , you didn 't . And the rule was : you could only do it once a day . ( I would sometimes cheat and do it a couple times when nobody was looking because I was such a bad shot and would always miss . I 've got it down now though . ) I was outside this afternoon , running around hanging on to the back of Ira 's bike as he tried ( yet again ) to ride a two wheeler . After getting sick of both the sun and running all hunched over , I went in to do the dishes , but Eli stuck with it and came racing in a while ago yelling " Mom ! He finally did it ! " I went out to find that , lo and behold , he did ! A big brother 's patience won out . Ira demanded I put it in the newspaper immediately , but seemed satisfied with facebook for now . I check on my kids several times a night because they move around so much I often need to cover them back up again , un - wedge stuffed animals from under their backs , move them closer to the center of the bed if they are dangling off , or whatever . I usually laugh and go get my camera to take a shot of whatever weird position they 've fallen asleep in . They must have been super heros in their dreams last night . After being outside in the heat all day , we 've poured tall glasses of lemonade and the kids have sat down with an old , Buster Keaton silent movie while I get ready for work . ( Note : I said ' SILENT movie ' ) So , I 'm shaving my legs with an electric razor when Eli disgustedly exclaims , " Geez Mom ! We can 't hear over your hair machine ! " I retire to the bathroom thinking both : " Hair Machine ? ! " and " Hello ! ? SILENT movie ! " Eli unearthed an old Furby in Grammy 's toy box this morning . ( I 'd thankfully forgotten those things existed ) He has dubbed it " My Baby Owl " and has turned obsessively maternal , responding to it 's every cry , demand and burp . All worn out after only a couple hours , he just told it to please take a nap . Good , now maybe he 'll understand how I feel . Eli & Ira were born this day ! 7 & 4 years ago ! My darlings are getting so grown - up . . . Ira got TWO gummy vitamins this morning instead of just one , an exciting epoch in his life . You know what ? I just really love the Muppets . Nothing on TV has been as cool since . I mean , MAYBE there 's stuff that comes close . . . I wouldn 't know , ' cause I don 't actually watch TV , but the Muppets were the best , man . " Tap , tap , tap , tap . . . " Me ( from upstairs ) : " Did you guys let that lamb in the house again ? " Kids ( in unison ) : " Nooooooo . . . ! " Me : " Then what 's that noise ? " Eli : " It 's . . . ummmm . . . ummmm . . . . Ira wearing high heels . " Me : " Put her back out . " The other day in the car , Ira informed Tess Johnson , " people that have ' ginas can jump higher than people that gots none . " And I , embarrassed , explained that vaginas don 't actually include super powers , only for him to get really mad at me because he meant GIANTS , not vaginas . Sometimes , things are lost in translation when you are three . IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ! ! ! ! ! ! My afternoon just got AWESOME . Will 's creamee machine is up and running ! I don 't care what the calendar says . . . I don 't care what the thermometor says . . . it 's now OFFICIALLY SPRING ! ! ! ! ! Eli & Ira are playing with LEGOS . Eli says , " Look Mom ! " and holds up an intricate helicopter , complete with spinning propeller , landing gear , and working doors . Ira holds up a colorful clump and cheerfully says , " Mine 's a porch that can 't stand up ! " Whoops , just accidentally left the back door open a crack when I popped out to chase the dog and one of the ponies got into the house . . . I mean , he is only 36 inches high , but still , a horse in the house is pretty weird . Ira was yelling , " Maaaaaaammmmma . . . Dexter trying ta take my sammich ! " I found a sealed envelope in my bag last night . Inside was a crayoned picture of a cowboy and some hearts and the slanted words " I LOVE YOU SO MUCH . " When I asked him about it , Eli said : " Yeah , I was going to give it to someone else but then I just decided to give it to you . " No more diapers ! ! ! ! ! ! We are done forever ! ! ! ! ( Although , I guess I 'll probably need them someday . . . but hopefully somebody else will have to change them by that time ! ) Since the kid 's squabbling over the soccer ball in the other room didn 't sound life threatening , I ignored it , until I heard Eli sobbing . . . Sitting on the floor , with his head in his hands , bawling . " Where 'd you get hit ? " I ask . " Nowhere . Ira KEEPS picking up the ball , he 's never going to be a professional soccer player if he kepts touching it with his hands . " I noticed the chickens were making a racket , so I peeked at them . On my way back to the house , Ira sticks his head out the back door and yells : " HEY ! ! ! They wants their EGGS BACK ! ! ! ! " My sister just brought me warm peanut butter cookies ! But then she told me my sweater was wicked ugly . Ah , the sibling love / hate warm & fuzzies . Wow . I just lassoed our upsidedown picnic table and dragged it back in to the river bank as it was starting to float away . First time EVER that that useless skill has come in handy . I adore that Barbara Cohen gets her newspaper every morning , goes out into her pasture , stands there , and reads it to her horse and donkey . And they just listen . Every morning .
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This year I 've pretty much given up . I haven 't been running . I mean … I ran a marathon trail race Saturday . but … training miles have been pretty sad . At least I know I can make it 25 or so . I 'm dead . I don 't want to run . I 'm burnt out . My body died a few weeks ago - was pretty much incapable of doing anything . - Racing allows me to have nothing else . Nothing to do other than run . When it 's just me and my mind , and some friends in between . Often it 's a battle . Often I feel like this is what I 'm meant to be doing . Often it 's the moments I feel nothing else matters . Low points are hard - quitting is tempting - but always remind myself that I really have nothing better to do . I had some good races . Cast a Shadow 6 hour - 34ish miles . DC Marathon - I qualified for Boston here , then didn 't register for Boston . Cayuga Trails 50 . Ontario Summit Marathon . Whiteface Skyrace . 0 SPF . Also good runs at Belleayre Mountain Summit 10k , and All Down Hill 5 mile ( 18 : 38 5k ) . I had my first DNF at my first 100 attempt . Burning River . Yeah , I was injured going into it . I didn 't leave without good memories though - The great toe debacle and shoe amputation . Ventured to Virginia for Hellgate 100k in December . My second DNF @ mile 47 , due to missing a cutoff . It was a record cold year , but it was awesome . I 've been playing around with the idea of venturing out west for my next 100 attempt . Looking into September / labor day week . Or stay local and run Twisted Branch again . The first 12 miles were on road . The foot felt ok , but I was compensating a little . Running didn 't feel normal . I was wearing my Nike Hyperfeel trail shoes - which I thought would be good for the whole day , on and off the trail . But in the first 12 , my feet were killing me . When my left foot was hurting more than my right foot ( injured foot ) , I knew it was a shoe thing . The first crew accessible aid station was at mile 11 . 5 - Polo fields . I meant to change my shoes . I forgot . I didn 't need food or water , so just kept going . I popped into some trails from there , then quickly realised I wouldn 't have crew at the next aid station . It would be 10 miles till I saw them again . The shoes would go in and out of killing me and being ok . I hit a low point early . Somewhere after mile 15 . I was walking a lot . I know it 's 100 miles , but it was way too early for this kind of stuff . All I kept thinking is " Im not gonna make it . " and Mertsock was driving in from Rochester to pace me at mile 72 … There are things I expect in every race . I expect at some points running will feel good . I expect those feelings of " running is awesome ! " I expect to be able to run the downhills - cause those are what I LOVE . I expect ups and downs , and breakdowns . I expect the unexpected . I went into this 100 with doubts of how far I would go . I injured my foot 10 days before . Nothing serious apparently because running 100k on it seemed to do it more good than harm . But that was my first " injury " from a freak foot twisting event on trails . Still - It kept me from running how I normally run . My form was off . I couldn 't run any uphills OR downhills . Having a lot of issues from the start of such a big race - had expectations at an all time low . I didn 't expect to finish . I sat down with the crew . I cried as we pulled my shoes off . They advised me to go with the Flyknit road shoes - which was a good call . I was sad . I didn 't want to go . I didn 't want to eat . Not that I didn 't feel good or anything - just was in a " what 's the point " mood . I stood up and stared at the aid station for a bit . Stood some more . ok . Pickle . Cookie . M & M 's . Guess I 'll go . I would be seeing crew again at Egbert . Only 5 miles away . My feet were feeling better , I still walked . A lot . I was in a dark place . - I thought a lot about this dark spot . It was nothing about running . It brought up things in life . Things that convinced me that I 'm the worst . That I 'm a broken piece of human . Matt stuffed my phone into my Orange Mud vest - so they could track me via find my friends . Chris brought me food things I had forgotten about , which made me pretty happy . I wandered over to the aid station and took salt for the first time , and some pickles . I went back over and asked Jeff when I 'd see them again … . . 12 miles . Buh . I walked for a bit out of Egbert . But I started running . Then I didn 't stop . I caught up to people who had passed me what felt like hours ago . I passed people I thought I 'd never see again . Life wasn 't over . Thanks to crew . And carbs . There was a long stretch on canal . Much longer than I expected . I was still cruising , it was sunny and hot . Things started hurting again , but I was still running . Part of me said this pace could hurt me later … part of me said - it probably won 't matter . I lost momentum coming out of Meadows aid station . Feet were hurting . Right foot aching . Left foot had something going on under the Big toe nail . I got tired . Sleepy . I felt like I could lay out on the trail and be out . Something was missing . I walked a lot of the first 6 miles . I don 't remember the aid stations or what I ate in this stretch … . other than eventually eating 2 ginger chews cause I was bored . But it seemed within minutes of the ginger - a lot of pains went away , and I found myself running the next 6 miles . I started to get excited . I had run parts of this trail with Jeff last year when we were waiting for Welden at mile 50 . So things started to look familiar . I knew it 'd be a few miles till I saw everyone again . I was getting close … then Welden was there ! He was hanging out on the trail maybe a mile or less from the aid station , and ran in with me . Told me Mertsock was almost there . Got in to 50 in 11 hours and 35 minutes . Was feeling great . Jeff said he was ready to hop in if I wanted a pacer . I didn 't know . He told me it 'd be 16 miles before I would see crew again . I knew I would hit a low point . I knew it could be bad . I didn 't know if it would be better or worse with someone there . If there is someone who has seen me at my worst - it 's Jeff . Jeff and I walked for a bit out of mile 50 . Things felt like they had tightened up again , and momentum was gone . We had a long stretch on canal path that we walked a lot of with small run spirts . We got to a U - turn which put us back on some dirt , and started running more . My big toe was getting hard to ignore . I was in a pretty good mood though . I was talking a lot . Happy to complain to Jeff about all things of the day and life . And he did an awesome job of listening . I expected my foot to be the reason I DNF . Then when my foot wasn 't getting any worse - I had no excuse . Could I DNF without an excuse . No . I would have to finish . I could walk all night - I was looking forward to the 24 + hour experience , whatever that entailed . We did some running . but I remember mostly walking . And at some point my mood had changed . My feet hurt . My toe was killing me . But it 's just a toe . It started to feel like the nail was getting looser - and something was definitely going on under it . I was also getting weird aches in my right upper calf . We stopped at an unmanned aid station . I ate a gel and sat on a hill with my legs up . I could feel the circulation pulsing . It felt much - needed . It felt good . Things didn 't change much from there though . Still had aches in my calf . Toe still hurt . I rolled my compression sock down - maybe it was a circulation thing . I was super low for a long time . Walking is so slow . Were not going to make it to Ledges before dark . We don 't have headlamps … . We were very lucky to have them there . Got into the aid station . I wasn 't going to check out the toe - then Matt asked if we should look at it - cause … why not . I also wanted to get some different socks on . It wasn 't too bad . Welden gave me a pin from his bib to poke at it . I poked under the nail - There was nothing . Poked at the side - some good stuff there . He cut open my flyknits to take the pressure off the toe . The extra space was weird at first , but felt good . Problem solved . We had headlamps . I felt good . Water and nutrition was pretty on point all day . I never felt like I couldn 't eat , was never dehydrated . Never felt sick . I definitely don 't eat enough . I forget that 4 grapes and 8 M & Ms , and a couple of pickles isn 't a meal . I would eat between aid stations - which I forget to do in other races . But it would usually be 1 huma gel - or a ginger chew . But everyone is different . I 've always felt better with less stuff in me . I wanted to run now . The tightness in that right calf now felt like it was coming from under my knee . Soon it was just under my knee . It felt like a knot - I kept trying to rub it out . Jeff poked at it a little . I guess it wasn 't a matter of pain . It was more that the muscle made running not possible . It wouldn 't allow it . It made walking stupid . I was up for walking 30 miles if I could walk a decent pace . But this was so dumb . We would try to run multiple times . It wouldn 't be a run . It would be walking pace . I would convince myself that I could force it . We would try again . Nope . So we walked . I told Jeff I would walk it into Ledges then probably be done . The thought of it was heart breaking . My first DNF . I felt like I would never get over it . It was unacceptable . But this entire race was not how I wanted my first 100 to go , and I knew it wouldn 't be . It was not how I usually run - but I did the best with what I had . And my crew helped me inch forward and problem solve along the way . It was dark . It felt like it 'd been a long time . I asked Jeff what time it was - he said 9 : something PM . I was surprised it was so late . We still had a couple of miles till we would get to Ledges - at this pace , I might not make the cut off anyway . I can 't . I can 't pick my feet up enough to do handle a trail . I 'm walking too slow . I 'm done . I never made it to Ledges . We walked the path till it got to a " road " . We had been talking to Matt , and he was only minutes away . There was some adventuring involved in our escape - but it may be better to leave out those details . Matt and Chris had both told me I should sit , and take some time before I stop for good . But I could tell this was something that wouldn 't go away . I 'm good at knowing when im being lazy and when something has potential to change . But I couldn 't walk . and I wasn 't about to walk at a crawling pace for a few more hours just to miss a cutoff , and make whatever muscle that 's being dumb that much worse . I achieved one - 64ish miles in 17 something hours . and I 'm sure I 'll achieve the running again this month thing . Seeing as im signed up to pace Jeff for Twisted Branch , and also racing Lucifer 's Crossing the day after . It 's hard for me to drag people into these things and not finish or do what is planned . I want this stuff to be a great experience for everyone . But even in the unexpected and unplanned , and sleep deprivation - you learn things about yourself and your friends . Things that you need to work on , and things that just bring everyone closer together . I watched Dan - o come in - and take Welden . Then it would be hours before we 'd see them again . Like 8 hours . I couldn 't imagine . It was getting cold . With hours to spare - we went to our hotel and got some sleep till about 3am . We would go catch Dan - o and his gang at mile 90 . Then 95 . Then off to the finish . I knew I 'd get dropped cause my stupid walking pace - but I was happy to be there the last mile . Happy to be at the finish . This race is awesome . Could use a few less roads and canals . but the trails are super fun . I knew some day I would experience a DNF . I knew 100 miles would increase the odds . I think I 'm capable of a decent attempt . So until next time - this was fun . Compression socks as well as my trail shoes - have been fine for other ultras i 've done . In NY . But something about Ohio - maybe the Location , different elevation / humidity . Legs and feet handled them differently / seemed to be more swollen . Home made energy bars . With dark chocolate , molasses , honey , raisins , gluten free oats and rice crispies , coffee beans and coco nibs . Had this at 25 and 50 . I hiked 3 high peaks , and " ran " 2 more before racing a Sky Marathon on Whiteface . That destroyed me . Then raced a trail half marathon the weekend after and PR 'd . I had accepted that my low mileage would be ok . Maybe im just a low mileage runner ? At least I wouldn 't be going into the race injured . So yeah . 1 week and I somehow twisted my foot in a way to injure the top / side / arch … It feels a lot better just 3 days after … but it 's still swollen , and some faint bruising . I definitely can 't run on it yet . Crazy how you can run all kinds of races . Hike and run for 24 hours in a week . But in less than 2 miles in one of the easiest places to trail run ( Bay Park West ) , you ruin your foot ? I had an awesome injury free streak going . It 's weird . Im use to things just going away . But I keep waking up and it 's still there . I 'm slightly concerned . But running a 100 will still happen . Never be comfortable . I never what to be 100 % about something . I have to go in with some concerns - you never know what will happen - in life and in races . So this year I 've been a low mileage runner . But have done better at most races . I have to give credit to the Rossi strength training though . Low mileage plus increased strength = good running . Also - I love racing a lot more than just running . I could go on a rant about racing . but I won 't . Maybe later . Maybe after Burning River … oh yeah … . This is the first big race I 'll be going into - not having followed a training plan . I spent most of my time at work - working 50 + hour weeks … Also putting in weekend hours . So if working long hours then going for an 8 mile run counts as a long run - maybe Im more ready than I think . I spent a lot of time doing Bikram yoga over the winter . I did a lot less running , but a lot more strength and cross training . Ran a few marathons while training for a marathon in March . PR 'd and qualified for Boston . Then switched over to Cayuga training . Which has been … ok . Nothing like last year . I 've had very few weeks over 50 miles . But I keep looking at this bar graph thing … and I see consistency , which makes me feel ok . Races I did went well . Tend feel better during races than training runs . I ran a couple of hills that made me feel like I suck . Then I ran a couple of hills that made me think I 'll be ok . What I feel good about : I 'm excited to be on the trails with the new team , and pretty much all of Rochester . My running fam / crew from last year will be running … which will be awesome and different . I 'm sure if there are low points - it won 't be long till a friend comes by . I said I didn 't want to run this race again because I loved it so much . But I couldn 't stay away . This year will be so different , that comparing it to last year won 't be possible . It 's a new year , new race , more people … Cayuga is an experience that reaches deep . I can 't go into this race thinking about time , or the hard parts . You just have to run , take it in , don 't take yourself too seriously … smile when you 're getting frustrated . Laugh at yourself when you 're dying . Get the most out of the day in the woods with people you love ! Then party after . This is something I 've wanted to do since 2011 . I had a failed attempt - and luckily only got to Lower Wolfjaw with 1 other friend . I don 't think either of us would have been capable back then . The plan was to hike around the summer solstice - so we 'd have plenty of daylight . So I chose June 25th - 29th . Plenty of days to choose the best weather . Cause good weather is cool . Also the Whiteface Skymarathon was that weekend - so lots of other runner friends were already planning on being there . Here goes : This is about to contain 4 days and about 30 hours of hiking . I might be able to condense it into an hour of reading . If you read as slow as I do . If your lucky it might take 15 minutes . Phelps . With Kyle and Jeff . We ran about 4 miles of this ( round trip ) from Heart Lake . Kyle hiked in his Luna Sandles . I totally underestimated the distance . Thinking it wouldn 't take much more than 2 hours . Took almost 4 . A good pre - view of how the weekend would go . We got back to camp and were eventually joined by Mark , Matt , Jason , and Ron . Had some bagels and peanut butter for dinner . Came up with a plan for Fridays hike , since we decided we would be doing the traverse on Saturday . Jeff had mentioned an Avalanche Pass loop that went up Algonquin and Iroquois . I like loops . I liked the idea of a long scenic hike by the lake . It wouldn 't be too much the day before the Range . Right ? Eventually it gets more technical , with climbing and waterfalls and stuff . I hadn 't seen much of Kyle . He was either way ahead of everyone , or way behind . I was having fun . I wanted everyone to have fun . I hadn 't seen him smile , or laugh . How could someone look so miserable in a place like this ? I was concerned . Something was up . Long story short . Kyle was in a mental state that I recognized . I 've been there . It was dark . It was the worst day we 've ever had together . He was breaking down . It took every part of me not to join him . There 's really no way of pulling someone out of their own head . I felt helpless . Things that you hold in on a daily basis get amplified . The truest thoughts come out . Honest things are spoken . It 's one of the worst places to be , but I think a necessary thing to experience . Kyle and I hiked at the back of the pack up towards Algonquin . We eventually reached the others before they went over to Iroquois . Kyle started heading up Algonquin and was planning on continuing to the campsite . I was torn . Do I get one more high peak ? And let Kyle hike alone ? I went with Kyle . We looked back at one point and saw the others already up on " Iroquois " . I thought … " that was fast " . So I dropped my bag and ran down Algonquin , and up what I thought was Iroquois . Got to the top , to find I would have to go down and up again … so I ran back over to Algonquin . I tried . We ended up with about 13 miles of hiking . We got back to camp . Set up our hammock . Jason and Ron eventually came over , we talked to them for a bit . The rest of the crew got back . We started to figure out who was still up for the traverse , and how it was going to work . I was relieved . and slightly terrified . Kyle was gonna come . But I don 't think I could mentally handle another day like today . Once you reach the bottom though , you never hit quite as hard again . I woke up before my alarms , at about 2 : 48am . Started getting ready , and boiled some water for some french press coffee and hot cocoa . Kyle actually got up . So did Matt - who said he would be playing it by ear this morning . Jason , Danielle and Ron drove up to our site . Jeff , Kyle and I piled into Matt 's car . We were on our way to Roostercomb trailhead . The sky was already bright at 4 : 30am . So much for needing headlamps . I had hiked from here to Lower Wolfjaw before , and knew it would be the most annoying part of the day . It 's a lot of nothing . Nothing exciting . For 3 . 5 hours . We accidentally hiked up Roostercomb mountain . Things started getting more exciting from Upper Wolfjaw and on . It became a series of scrambling , climbing and sliding down rocks . I had decided as soon as Kyle said he was coming - that I would always stay in the back . Trying to prevent any mental events by making sure no one felt like they were being left behind . We really did have a random group of people . I didn 't know Danielle or Jason too well . Kyle was there . He doesn 't do much running stuff or know many of the running people . Matt , Jeff , and I … . not so random I guess . It was perfect though . We left Armstrong Mountain , and before we knew it we were summiting Gothics . I thought Gothics had sweet cables and stuff ? Part of me was disappointed , it wasn 't the Gothics I had hoped for . Until we started to descend . After Basin it 's a long stretch of hiking before you reach another high peak . We were on our way to Mt . Haystack . The talk of water being low started to come up . I was excited that we might actually need to try out one of the 3 water filtering things I brought . I was scared to ask Jeff what time it was on our decent from Haystack . I liked not knowing . Also had no idea how long we 've been hiking . He eventually told me . 12 hours . It was a long hike to Marcy . At this point we were playing it by ear , whether we would actually hike it or not . I was starting to see glimpses of the day before in Kyles face . We got to a trail intersection , and decided we would hike up to little Marcy and check things out . Everyone wanted to do Marcy . We 've gotten this far - what 's one more . I was secretly excited for it to get dark . The trails would be easy by then , and it would make things slightly more interesting . I was not prepared for everything to look completely different . It felt like it took forever to reach sections of a trail we recognized . We kept second guessing whether we were on the right ones or not - but we had to be . Pretty much everyone was out of water . I had given Kyle the last of my water at Marcy . At some point on the night walk , I started to feel really dizzy . I stayed with Kyle and Danielle for most of the hike back . Jason eventually joined us . Matt and Jeff were up front - and eventually took off running ( ! ? ) . I figured Matt had decided he would run his Mile ( He runs everyday and has a streak of over 500 days - Has to run at least a mile ) . Jeff was keeping him company . My nose started running like crazy . What the heck ! I eventually looked at my hand to see it was all bloody . Random nose bleed . Dizzy . Dieing - probably . We eventually saw 2 headlamps in the distance . Matt and Jeff ! ! ! They came back for us . Turns out Matt had a mental freak out and wanted to be done - so he ran to the finish . Then felt bad . He 's awesome . We reached the trail head at Heart Lake . A strange feeling to be done after almost an 18 hour day . This was by far the longest and best day I 've ever spent in the woods . Days and weekends like this make me wish I could live off blueberries and sweet potatoes , and live outside . In a hammock . Run and hike everyday . Running is the job . Or as Matt , Jeff and I decided - we would become professional hikers . We walked back to the campsites . We still had to go back and get Matt 's car from Roostercomb trailhead - a 30 minute drive . So an hour round trip . It was already around 11pm . We took our time though - and ate left over pizza from the day before and the infamous garlic knobs ( They were actually called knots - but over the course of the traverse became known as knobs ) . Jason shuttled Matt and I back to Roostercomb . I made sure Matt didn 't fall asleep or drive us into a mountain . We watched Jason pull into a gas station , and 5 minutes later became worried that we should have waited for him . It had to be open … . right ? ( apparently all gas stations close super early there ) I was hoping Kyle and Jeff would still be up when we got back - I didn 't want to go to bed . We got back and Kyle and Jeff had made a fire . It was starting to rain though , so eventually we all retreated into Matt 's tent . Matt 's tent . Had a hinged door . A bucket for dirty sneakers . Light switch controlled lights . AND a cot . And a sleeping bag , with another sleeping bg opened up so to act as a blanket . As we sat and talked and drank cider and beer , I would notice Matt inching closer to the pillow . Eventually we looked over and Matt was out . The 3 of us sat on the floor of his tent until Kyle was folded over , and Jeff was horizontal . I wasn 't tired . Or . well - it was more like I didn 't want the day to end . The original plan for Sunday was to watch people run the Whiteface Sky Marathon . 19ish miles on the slopes of Whiteface Mountain . This included watching Jeff race after the full 3 days of hiking . Plans changed when Jeff decided he wasn 't going to race . Also when the weather decided to be terrible that morning . Instead we met up with Jason , made sure he didn 't run out of gas ( it was also his birthday ) - and went out to breakfast . Mark stopped by to get his tent - He had just been running on Whiteface . Told us tales of 40 mile / hr winds , pouring rain , and hand numbing cold . He reported that many of the racers cut it short due to the conditions , and that it was a ridiculously hard course . Eventually Jeff and I decided to hike / run one last high peak . So we picked Cascade - pretty quick and easy . Under 2 hours and 5 miles round trip . The run down from Cascade was one of the coolest runs I 've done . We were running down a creek bed . Lots of water , mud , rocks . I was wearing hiking pants that were falling down and a button up long sleeve shirt . Less than ideal running clothes . Just adds to the randomness of this trip and epicness of things . We made a fire . It wasn 't raining ( It was supposed to rain all day ) . Then boiled some water via Jetboil . We had 2 boxes of starwars mac and cheese , and pretzel bagels . Plenty for Kyle , Jeff and I . We toasted our bagels like marshmallows . Kyle and Jeff ate their mac and cheese with spoons . I used a fork . Carry more water than you think you 'll need . If you don 't need it someone else probably will . - I gave Kyle half of a nalgene of water , 1 full bottle of water , and half of my Gatorade bottle . Leaving me pretty curious about how much water I actually drank . I almost brought 1 more bottle - and should have . Bring food . Real food is even better . We stopped at each peak and would eat something . And at one point actually called it " lunch " , which was cool . Danielle found a stick , used it for a while . She got tired of it , and Jason decided he would carry it to the end . Until Jason discarded it - and Jeff couldn 't let it go . The stick made it half way through the range , but the rock climbing and scrambling became too much for it . I seem to be gathering multiple days that qualify as " best days of my life " . Cayuga was one . This ADK weekend was totally . I was glad Kyle could finally experience one of these epic adventures with me . It makes it hard to have normal weekends , when all I want to do is spend days in the woods . I also like being around people ? what ? There are two other tales of this hike on the Great Range . Read Matt 's story - which is probably the freshest , as he spit it out within 2 hours of getting home . Or read Jeff 's video game style , with accurate drawings of how the day unfolded . I managed to run pretty well at the Corporate Challange on Tuesday . I wanted to get a decent time , without killing myself . I kept the effort level low , and managed to feel great for almost the whole race . I picked it up the last . 5 mile which resulted in feeling a bit puky at the finish . Other than that tho - the best I 've felt for a 5kish race . Usually I feel like im sprinting for 3 miles and want to die . I convinced our company to do the corporate Challenge last year , and I hadn 't been there 1 year yet . They let me put it together , and be the team captain . And then they asked to do it again this year . Hopefully it 's a yearly tradition . It is a whole day thing - we end up spending 12 + hours together ( work + corporate challenge ) . A big time commitment . But it 's awesome . Im volunteering at Ontario Summit Trail Marathon Saturday . Hopefully watching other people run will take my mind off running Cayuga . Ugh . Im super excited for the weekend . The hanging out , and cheering for people part . But Cayuga - ready or not … here I come … I guess . 2 Comments I woke up at 3 : 15am , after going to bed somewhere after 11pm . I sucked at sleeping … it was hot … we were dumb and didn 't turn the A / C on . I made the usual pre - race stuff - Coffee . Then eventually oatmeal . I sat at the computer . Thought about how much I didn 't want to run in circles . I wen 't out fast . Had to keep reminding myself this was not a goal race . I died . Came back to life . Had the best coach , crew , and best spectators , friends , people cheering all day . I was told the temperature got up to 92 degrees . It felt hot . I handled it well for the majority of the time . I sat down twice . Once because I was starting to freak out , and breathing was getting hard . And my feet hurt . Chris rubbed them . He 's a keeper . Miles 1 through 34 I think things started going downhill after I hit 50k … Or that 's when things got hard . The foot pain actually seemed to get better , but I started battling sidestitches , and breathing was still hard . Miles 35 through 58 . 686 I didn 't think I was going to make it out of the 40 's . 40 - 50 took forever . I sat down again , because things got fuzzy . Blackness and dizzy . Coach sat with me . Definitely dying . But it was all familiar . # trailsroc kept things fun . They 're awesome . Ron took awesome photos . Matt told me he ate some magic pickles . So I ate some pickles . They are magic . I walked some laps with Matt , and we ran some . I was dieing , but I wasn 't alone . Finally getting to mile 50 was a turning point . I started running more . Mike ( Coach ) joined me for the last hour . We did the unthinkable and ran the entire time . I 've had a lot of great hours in my life … but that 11th hour , was one of the best . Pain seemed to go away , sidestitch ignored . I wanted to be done - then we finished lap 57 and still had 15 minutes to go . Lame . One more . A Picky Bar ( Blueberry ) - Water - Diluted coconut water - Saltines with molasses - More water - More diluted coconut water - A lot of diluted coconut water - a lot of water - 4 ? Endurolytes - Newmans Ginger O 's - 2 popscicles - A couple pretzels - A couple tortilla chips - Half of one of Meagan 's blueberry muffins - 4 half 's of pickles - Gingerale from the aidstation a few times . Things I learned - Coconut water is awesome . And pickles actually work . I felt good overall during this . I felt pain and nausua , as expected . But I have definitely felt much worse . The breathing thing … I don 't know . It 's happened in the last 3 Ultra 's that were 50 or more miles . But it was not nearly as bad for this one - so maybe it 's getting better . Recovery gets easier and easier . Saturday night after the race - I kept walking around , took a bath , rolled my legs . I felt 95 % normal the next day . A lingering side stitch was about it , and minor foot pain in the morning . But as I got moving it definitely didn 't feel like I just ran an Ultra . I was nervous about running this before Cayuga 50 . Only a couple weeks away . Whether Cayuga goes well or not - It won 't be because of this race . Bad races happen . And I seem to be unscathed from the weekend . So moving on - May 31st … . should be interesting . Sorry this was long . It 's not very often i 'll re - post something , or share something on Facebook . But when Picky Bars shared this article from Runner World , I actually read it . I like Lauren Fleshman . I like that she made mistakes . I like the advice that 's in this . So you should probably read the whole thing - but im gonna pick out the cool stuff . Consistency wins . The key to becoming great , he [ University of Colorado coach Mark Wetmore ] said , isn 't found on the edges of training , diet , science , or technology . The key is consistent , uninterrupted training . I went on to lose eight pounds … I lived like a Kenyan ( that is , my fantasy of a Kenyan 's life ) . I severed relationships . I stopped listening to my body . I tried to will myself to the next level . I 'm still trying to figure out the food thing . I say im going to cut out sugar , or junk food all the time . When in reality " junk food " is usually trail mix . Trail mix isn 't the worst thing in the world . ( I have an addiction ) . When your running for a few hours day - or 12 hours a week … food isn 't something you should put a limit on . Variety and portions tho - that 's important . I would normally skip a run if I felt extremely tired . I listened to my training plan instead of my body this winter , and slugged out a 15 miler after a week of feeling exhausted , tired , and probably dehydrated from tons of Bikram yoga . The week after I was sick . When you start running and immediately want to stop … it 's probably more beneficial to go take a nap . The winter helped me slow down a bit . You don 't always have to run fast . Slow easy runs doesn 't mean you 're a slow runner - probably just means your smart . If you haven 't tried Picky Bars - you should . I joined the Picky Club … last year ? I dunno - a while ago . They 've been a part of every long run , or every race so far this year . I have yet to feel anything but normal after eating one before or during a run . I had one during our 50k training run this past weekend ( 5k + elevation ) , yes there was also a lot of hiking … . but I never once felt like I was hitting a wall . Which was a first . I 'm excited to truly put them to the test in a week or so - during Mind the Ducks 12 hour . Then Cayuga 50 . So yeah . Listen to your running coach . If you don 't have one - get one . ( J / K ) . If you don 't have one , usually there 's smart people around to listen to . Just because one week feels terrible , doesn 't mean you 've lost fitness , or taken steps back in training . It 's all part of the process apparently . Like Lauren said " I am finding myself increasingly reflective of my early runner years , able to see which seemingly insignificant moments turned out to be critically important turning points . " It 'll be interesting to see how this year goes . Thanks to having a coach - I 've already ran over half of last years total mileage . I ran my first 65 + mileage week - pretty much all on trails . I 'm about to run 2 ultras in 1 month . Here 's some cool stuff from Strava to look at : I 'm currently enjoying cutback week ( the beginning of every month ) . I 'll be racing Medved Madness this weekend . I felt like I needed one more trail race to feel better about going into Cayuga . Rather than going into it after a bunch of road stuff . We 'll see . The 16th Muddy Sneaker trail race happened yesterday . This was my 2nd year running it . This is probably one of the hardest races for me - a lot of super long climbs , not a whole lot of flat stuff , and some awesome down hills . It was a bit of an eye opener . I went into this race with low expectations , I probably wouldn 't win . I did want to go sub 2 hours . I secretly hoped for 1 : 50 : 00 . Around mile 10 I was at the bottom of a 2 mile climb to the finish , with 3 out of the 5 top girls . I had 2nd place in my hands . And that slowly ran away from me . In 2 miles they managed to put 1 - 3 minutes on me , and in the moment I didn 't care . I also got passed by fellow team Welden ( er ) Chris - He tried to coax me along with him . But I had given up . I give up way too easily . Running uphill is uncomfortable , was I hurting that bad ? No . My legs felt fine when I finished . My legs feel fine this morning . I got some hill work to do . Last year I ran this in 2 : 11 : 12 . I won 't complain too much with a 13 minute PR . Just knowing that if I ran more of that last mile - I could have picked off like 5 more people . Next year . In other news . I was recruited to run in a relay around Seneca Lake today - The Seneca 7 . unfortunately a girl got injured in the race yesterday - so I am taking her place . I was looking forward to racing with Katie yesterday - Im sad she has to miss out on this one too .
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As we scrambled to get dressed Jill gave me a worried look . The doorbell rang again and my phone was still ringing . Checking to see who it was I saw that it was cousin Ashley . Disregarding the phone I dressed as fast as possible as Jill had finished before me . She came up to me and gave me a kiss while also squeezing my bulge . " Jim wait here and I 'll deal with Stacy . If you want , wait here for ten minutes and then walk over to my house and I can let you know where things stand . It 'll be better this way , believe me . I know how to deal with her . " " Mom what are you doing here ? " I heard Stacy ask before the door closed and all I could hear were murmurs . A couple of minutes later I heard the doors close and the minivan engine start and when I peered out the window it had driven away . Quickly I grabbed my cell and dialed Ashley . On the third ring she picked up . " We 'll be back Tuesday and what will we be talking about ? " Ashley 's voice had an edge to it with the last question . Taking a deep breath first I tried to phrase my statement carefully . " Listen we 've been cousins our whole lives and we 've been pretty close and always gotten along . But until that night at your Dad 's house when you saw me , you know with Aunt Laura , you never had feelings or desires for me in that way . Now that we 've gotten physical you 're letting it cloud your judgment a little . While you 're away consider if you really think we belong together - forget the sex and I know that 's not easy but separate the two if you can . Am I really the guy you want to spend all your time with when we 're not doing it ? I have to go now , bye " I said and hung up quickly . My body was shaking when I finished that call . Somehow I had managed to say what had to be said and I was still standing . It was a good lesson for me in life . From now on I would have to stand up for myself and take charge of what I did in life and live with the consequences , at least if it wasn 't face to face with my assertive cousin . When after five minutes had passed without Ashley calling me back I figured she was actually thinking about what I 'd said . Now I had to go see Stacy and her mom Jill and hopefully work something out . The porch light was still on when I again arrived at the Johnson house so I climbed the steps and rang the bell . In a minute Jill opened the door and slipped outside with me . She looked like she was upset over things as she walked to the porch swing and sat down . After I joined her she turned to me . " Jim I know you want to talk to Stacy but now isn 't a good time . She knows about what we did . I 'm sorry , it 's my fault but when we got in the minivan she noticed my bra and torn panties on the floor . If I had remembered they were there I would have delayed her getting in until I hid them . But the way everything happened so fast … . " her voice trailed off . " Yes she 's been crying her eyes out since the ride home . I tried to tell her it was all my fault and only because I 've been so lonely the past couple of years . But being betrayed by your own mother , it has to be devastating to her . And I don 't think she is happy with you now either . It 's probably better if you wait until tomorrow to try and contact her . " I nodded at what Jill said but I resolved to apologize to Stacy as soon as I could . " Jim " she said in a much lower tone " I don 't know how it will work out but if it 's at all possible I want to do what we did again . Not if it hurts Stacy but it was so good , even after what happened I want you . I 'm not proud of myself but it 's the truth . " That confession surprised me somewhat but Jill had shown herself to be a passionate woman who enjoyed sex . She had been deprived for years and now that the genie was out of the bottle it seemed putting it back in would be hard to do . This complicated things for me no doubt about that . What I would do I had no idea but until I talked with Stacy it was futile anyway . Standing up I looked down at Jill and was again taken by her beauty as well as how much she and her daughter resembled one another . I froze in place as I looked back at her . Her eyes were puffy and red but there were no more tears falling from them . She walked over to her mother and said something but I couldn 't hear what was said and in a minute she was standing next to me . She appeared very upset and all the things I had thought of to say to her now seemed inadequate for the task . " Let 's go Jim to your house so we can talk this over . But DON ' T say anything until we get there , understand . " My head nodded yes . Though it wasn 't a long walk it felt a lot longer due to our moods and thoughts . There was part of me that dreaded what would happen when we arrived . It was going to be a lot tougher than talking to Ashley over the phone , that was for sure . As soon as we were inside the house I turned to Stacy , ready to throw myself at her mercy when I saw her wrinkle her nose . We passed by the couch , where I had just fucked her mom , on the way to the stairs . When we entered my room I realized a little more than twenty - four hours had passed since me and Ashley had been here but Stacy had no idea about that . One crisis at a time I thought to myself . Stacy sat on my desk chair and I did the same on the corner of my bed . Before she could say a word I blurted something out . She had a strange expression on her face like she was confused . In reality she had a little speech planned out but my outburst had confused her and it took a minute for her to adjust her thoughts . Stacy held her hand up like a traffic cop telling you to stop . " Okay Jim now you listen up . You 've tried to take the blame and so has my Mom . I figure you are both trying to do the right thing , at least with that . But the fact is you are both guilty . I 'm not stupid you know . " " I know that Stacy . Listen to what I say though . Your Mother is your Mother , I 'm just some guy you recently met . I really believe your Mother was acting in a way that she thought would protect you . Now maybe she didn 't think things out all the way and once repressed desires are released they are hard to control . What I 'm saying is you should give your Mother a pass and forgive her . I deserve no forgiveness but I 'm a horny teenager . I told you that I wouldn 't be good for you and I tried to convince you of that . You didn 't listen . " " I honestly am not sure . I was a virgin until a little while ago but once I started having sex it has snowballed out of control and I 've been going crazy . But I 've also decided to try and control my actions more and take responsibility for them . It won 't be easy to go cold turkey but maybe that is what I should do . It might be too late for me to win you over but I know I don 't deserve you . I 'm going to try and change and be a better person so that if in life I get another opportunity half as good as you offered me I might be worthy . " The realization that I had blown it with a really sweet girl who liked me for me and not sex depressed me greatly but also helped me to realize I was right with my new found resolve to do the right thing . Stacy might have been the one for me , the girl to take to the prom , possibly even the one I could 've grown old with . The magnitude of my mistake overwhelmed me and I closed my eyes , unable to face her further . The feel of her hand on my cheek startled me and when I opened my eyes I saw Stacy was crying , little tears staining her face as they mixed with her eyeliner . All of a sudden her arms were around me as she buried her head on my shoulder and hugged me with her full might . I returned her hug as she began to cry in my arms , her body wracked by sobs caused by my selfishness . I 'm not sure how long we stayed frozen like that but gradually Stacy regained her composure until she pulled away from me then wiped away the stray tears . " My parents taught me right from wrong but also to follow my heart and my dreams . I can 't put it in words beyond this Jim , from the night we met in that parking lot I felt that we would and should be together . Even after what happened I still think it 's meant to be . But keeping you in line will be the challenge . Let me sleep on it and we will talk in the morning . " " Yes , yes of course . " I removed my sneakers and socks as well as my shirt but I thought better of removing my pants . If I made contact with Stacy during the night I would need all the willpower I had to behave and the added barrier could only help . " Stacy let me just say that I 'm so happy you 're giving me another chance to prove myself . No matter what it takes I won 't let you down . Good night " I told her as I shut off the light . When I woke up the next morning Stacy wasn 't in bed with me . A search of the house showed she had left . She came to her senses I realized and it hit me right in the pit of my stomach . Slowly I climbed the stairs and went into the bathroom where I climbed in the shower . It wasn 't until the hot water ran out that I dragged myself out and wrapped a towel around myself . Laughing to myself I headed to my room when my world brightened immeasurably . In two minutes flat I was downstairs wearing sweat pants and slippers with a goofy grin on my face . Stacy was waiting in the kitchen sipping coffee from a paper cup . There was another cup sitting there as well as a bag and Stacy was nibbling a muffin . " That 's fine " I said as I tore off the wrapper on the sandwich . With Stacy sitting across from me instead of wolfing it down I did my best to take small bites and chew with my mouth closed . Not until we finished breakfast did Stacy begin to talk with me . " We 're going to need some ground rules for this to work Jim . First you have to behave from now on , no more chances . But don 't worry because I plan on keeping you so worn out that I doubt you 'll have the energy to be bad . Now that is decided I guess we might as well begin . I guess we should go upstairs " Stacy said in a matter of fact tone . " Of course silly . I want my first time to be on a bed . That would only be right . Later we can do it in other places but for now we 'll start on the bed . " She said that in such a matter of fact manner with an innocent expression that weirdly it turned me on more than I was . Holding hands we climbed the stairs and when we reached the top I gave Stacy a kiss on her tender lips . She wrapped her arms around my waist as we kissed and her hot body pressed against my groin stimulating it further . My hands grabbed her ass cheeks and squeezed and separated them all the while pressing her pelvis against mine . It was Stacy who broke our embrace first , taking me by the hand and leading me to the doorway of my room . Stacy went into my room as I headed to the closet to fetch a towel , choosing a big , fluffy white towel . When I entered my room she had turned on the radio and music was filling the room . But of more interest to me was that she had doffed her shirt and was in the process of sliding her jeans down her slim legs . Once she worked them off she took the towel and bent as she placed it across my mattress . There was no way I could pass up the opportunity to press my growing erection against her ass as she was bent over . Stacy squealed as she felt my bulge rub her pussy lips through our clothing . She kept her hands on the bed as she gyrated against me with a circular motion . My hands pushed my sweatpants down my legs freeing my rock hard shaft after which I pressed down on it so it stood out at a 90 degree angle . That allowed me to slide it between her creamy white thighs as it also continued to stimulate her covered virgin pussy . I could feel the heat emanating from her furnace as I slid back and forth driving us both insane with lust . My fingers fumbled with before releasing the clasp of her brassiere and it fell forward to the bed freeing her delightful teenaged breasts . Taking each in a hand I fondled them while pulling her torso in an upright position . Her naked back pressed to my chest as I continued to play with her breasts , my fingers pinching her delicate , pink nipples . My hips continued moving my cock against her wet , panty covered kitty and legs and when Stacy turned her head sideways my mouth found hers . Our tongues played with each others when I pressed mine between her lips . As I continued my thrusts Stacy began to match me , her own body meeting mine as she pushed backwards to increase the friction to her puss . Her hand reached down and held my sliding cock right against her lips which were so wet I could feel the moisture through the thin cotton . With both her nipples between my fingers I delivered a hard kiss to the back of Stacy 's neck . The next thing I knew was Stacy was bucking her body wildly and crying out in reaction to her climax . Again my lips found hers as she exhaled her sweet breath into my mouth and I continued playing with her sensitive nipples until her hands pulled mine off her . Deprived of her breasts they instead slid beneath her panty waistband and rolled down . I knelt behind her as I worked them to the floor where Stacy stepped free of them . She turned around towards me and for the first time I beheld Stacy 's naked pussy . My jaw dropped as I beheld the most perfect female form I 'd ever seen . Pale golden , blond , curls lightly adorned her mound and were as soft as silk to the touch . My trembling finger traced from her pubes to her wet delta and back up again . Her pink lips glistened from her secretions and her clit stood out erect and defiant . Unable to control myself I buried my face in her crotch savoring the feel and scent of her . Stacy giggled and her hand stroked my hair softly . Releasing her hips from my hug I pushed her until she sat on the towel covered bed . Kneeling between her legs my hands gripped the undersides of her knees and lifted her legs up and spread them wide . Again I was stunned by the beauty of her female flower and paused a moment to take in the vision . But it also demanded worship from me so I started to gently trace the outline of her labia with my tongue tip . She didn 't have to tell me that as I had no intention of stopping . In fact I couldn 't imagine wanting to stop until my tongue fell off , although I recognized that another part of my anatomy would eventually overrule my tongue . But for now I feasted on Stacy 's pink wetness like a beggar invited to a banquet . After circling her lips repeatedly I worked down to her cute little brown hole which I proceeded to tickle with my tongue before licking my way back up . Now I probed her wet opening , lapping between her lips and greedily drinking down Stacy 's clear juices . I had never tasted champagne but I couldn 't believe that it could be half as delicious or intoxicating as Stacy was . The more my tongue probed the more she squirmed and the more juice she released . My tongue flicked up and connected with her clitoris . Stacy reacted like she 'd received a jolt of electricity when my tongue touched the sensitive button . Her legs thrashed and I had difficulty in holding them as her spine stiffened and she actually pulled my hair hard making me wince . Though I had brought her another orgasm I was in no way satisfied yet . Lowering her still trembling legs I rose from my knees and climbed onto the bed next to Stacy . First I crawled close so I could again kiss this amazing girl . After we kissed for a minute I worked my mouth down to her firm , young breast . It was a perfect size I thought , a little more than I could fit in my hand , around the size of a large orange . Her areola was just larger than a quarter while her hard nipple was the diameter of a dime . My lips surrounded it and I sucked her hard nipple into my mouth where both my teeth and tongue played with it . It was so sensitive that she pushed my head away with more force than I thought possible for her size . " That is the plan Stacy . But if you like I have another idea " I said as I rolled onto my back . " Why don 't you kneel over my face while you face toward my feet " I suggested . Stacy moved into position and I was soon looking up at her wet pussy hovering over my face . That required my immediate attention which it received . Placing my hands on Stacy 's flanks I lifted my head up and began to give her another severe tongue lashing . My tongue worked its way from her clit to between her lips and down to her ass hole before circling back up again . I continued this until I felt her hand grab my shaft and stroke it . After that I concentrated on licking her clit while my nose rubbed against her damp , swollen lips . Stacy signaled her orgasm by squeezing my dick so hard in her little hand that I almost feared for its safety . She made a series of moans that culminated in a long drawn out cry at which point her body fell forward across my torso . When I continued to tease her clit with my tongue she rolled off me completely although she still held onto my shaft . Her eyes met mine with a pleading expression . " Well I think you are ready for the real thing now . I doubt you could be wetter or more in the mood . Prepare to become a woman " I said as I moved her body into position like a rag doll . Stacy lay on her back with her ass centered on the towel and her feet flat on the mattress and her knees bent . My eyes feasted on her virgin body from her golden hair and pretty face with green eyes and down her slim , sexy body until they rested on her glistening , pink womanhood . My body crawled into position between her white thighs and I placed the head of my erection between her lower lips and rubbed , coating it with her natural lubricant . " I 've talked to friends and some said it hurts a lot and others didn 't have much pain . One girl said she didn 't bleed at all . But when you do it , do it fast to get in and then I 'll tell you . Jim I want you to be kissing me when you do it though . " This time I nodded at her in reply . I lowered my face down to hers and smiled , then I started to kiss Stacy . Once we were in a deep kiss I thrust my hips forward hard forcing my manhood halfway into Stacy . She cried out into my mouth and her fingers dug into my arms as I penetrated her tight little pussy for the first time . A vice couldn 't have felt tighter to me as I luxuriated in the feeling of her walls gripping my head and shaft . We stayed like that for a couple of minutes barely moving . We continued to slow kiss and her grip relaxed some though she continued holding my arms with her hands . After another minute I felt Stacy moving beneath me slightly , just moving her pelvis a few inches side to side but it was enough to send my nerves into a frenzy . I broke the kiss and met her eyes . Inch by inch I slid back until only my head remained in Stacy before I pushed it back in her a little further . As her hands squeezed my arms I repeated the process , fighting to maintain control the whole time in what was a losing cause . Deflowering her tight little kitty and being in her canal which was contracting mightily on me was too much for my system . With a strangled cry I felt myself erupt inside her , showering her with my life creating sperm . Spurt after spurt flooded her insides as I released the end result of my desire . My body sank on hers as I finished cumming . My erection still felt as hard as steel so I started moving my hips in a sideways motion now , slowly stretching Stacy 's teen kitty out . Her hands now crept to my ass which they latched onto . As we gazed into each others eyes I resumed sliding in and out of her pussy , now working deeper in her . I continued to slowly fuck Stacy and soon I saw her eyes close tightly so I paused . Taking her words to heart I increased my speed but in a gradual manner . The fact that I had already cum allowed me to maintain control and not go crazy in a way that could negatively impact Stacy . My hips rose and fell in rhythm as I slid deeper into her pinkness . I adjusted my body position so that my torso was now upright and I was no longer resting on my hands . That allowed the fingers on my right hand to gently play with Stacy 's clit while my left hand took her breast in it and squeezed causing Stacy to cry out . There was no need for her to worry about that as I continued increasing my speed . By now I had reached the back of her tunnel and she could take three quarters of me into her but she was so damn tight it was unbelievable . I started to watch myself sliding in and out her wet opening and I could see my shaft covered with the mixture of both our sex juices blended with a little blood . It seemed like she hadn 't bled badly and she was producing a good amount of lubrication as I pumped her . Her lips clung to my shaft as it repeatedly filled her before withdrawing . My thumb was now rubbing her clit fast and when her muscles tightened and clenched from another orgasm I stopped thrusting to avoid cumming myself . I felt her warm hand grip me as she reached back between her legs and directed it to her wet hole . She rubbed it against her lips and when I felt it aligned I drove it forward into her depths . Again I smacked her cheeks as I started thrusting hard and deep into her no longer virgin cunt . " Stacy play with my balls while I fuck you " I told her " and nice and easy with them . " Her hand caressed the hairy sac as I filled her again and again . The sound of our flesh slapping and the strong sex scent we were producing only increased my desire . One hand now seized Stacy by the shoulder holding her firmly in place as I increased the tempo even more . She was making animalistic sounds now as she was being truly pounded for the first time . Soon I could feel the familiar feeling grow within me and with a last thrust I felt myself discharge a second time that morning into her incredible pussy . I continued to thrust as I came but my movements grew slower as I went on . When I was totally empty I pulled my slick meat out of her and sat down on the bed . Stacy moved to me and again I tasted her sweet lips . Slowly we sank to the bed together and she rested her head on my chest while I stroked her soft hair . " Good I like him at my beck and call , but I 'm also generous . I figured I 'd wait to tell you this until after I knew what sex was all about first . I 've decided that number one its job is to make me satisfied and happy . But after that as long as it is available for me whenever I want , that on occasion if you agree as well , you and my Mom can sometimes get together , you know and do things . " Obviously I was shocked by what she had said and I couldn 't help questioning her . " No I 'm serious Jim . I know it sounds crazy but I realize now what my Mom has been going without since my Dad died . It seems only fair with what she was willing to do for me and this way if you go with someone else you 'll keep it in the family , so to speak . Before today I didn 't realize what she 's been missing . I know at first that it was because she was in mourning for my Dad but it 's been over two years since he died and she hasn 't been with a man all that time . Part of it was to be a good example to me and because she thought I wouldn 't approve . This way she can have some fun but if you agree just remember I come first . But somehow I think you will be up to the task . So what do you say to my idea Jim ? ' Her words were whirling in my mind like a dervish . Screaming yes at the top of my lungs was my first impulse but I resisted . I closed my eyes as I ran through the implications of the idea . The next thing I knew I was waking up without realizing I had been asleep . The touch of a soft hand on my chest prompted me to open my eyes and look at who was stroking my naked chest . My eyes blinked then struggled to stay open . There were bright fluorescent lights glaring in my eyes and I realized I was on a cold tile floor as my Father crouched over me . Looking around I realized I had fainted in the hospital . I struggled to sit , then with my father 's assistance I regained my feet . He had no idea . As I looked through the window at mine and Stacy 's daughter I could see right next to her the son I had fathered with Jill . It would be quite some time before I got any sleep but with those two there was rarely any sleeping when I was in bed anyway . " Well Dad let me go back to Stacy now . Look at your grandchild all you want and I 'll see you later . " I headed for the room that Stacy was sharing with her Mom . Both babies being born within a twenty four hour period but thankfully on separate days . How much better could it get ? This is the end of the saga ! For all who came on the ride I hope you enjoyed . As always leave comments about what you thought of story . Read 87984 times |
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1 April 2017 13 : 47 - " I 've spent my life traveling , spent my life free " rosefoxA thing I just wrote elsenet in response to someone who 's ambivalent about parenthood and wanted to know how other people went from " no kids " to " yes kids " : I have a kid and I still don 't know whether I would have , abstractly , in the absence of all other input , wanted kids . But no one lives abstractly , in the absence of all other input . In my case , my partner X ( who didn 't live with me and J at the time ) was very firm about having a kid and the only question for me and J was how involved to get . I felt very awkward around babies and was uncomfortable around kids in the abstract , though , like you , I had started to realize how much I enjoyed the company of my friends ' and relatives ' individual kids and was sort of rethinking that whole " not fond of kids " idea . I had absolute body horror around the idea of being pregnant , so I was never going to produce a child of my own . J and I certainly liked being double - income - no - kids and traveling internationally and doing a lot of evening and weekend social events , and we could have decided we liked it so much that we wanted to keep doing it while X single - parented . But when X crashed on our couch for a couple of months , we all liked living together and being a family so much that we decided to keep doing it , baby and all . And now the three of us are all parents to an amazing 15 - month - old and just yesterday a friend said that in every photo of me cuddling the baby , I have a huge smile that says " I GET TO CUDDLE A BABY " . I could not have predicted this in one million billion years . I thought I was going to be uncomfortable and distant around the baby until they were able to speak coherent English . But nope , turns out that I am totally besotted by this baby . When they 're sad and they crawl into my lap and bury their face in my shoulder and cry and fall asleep , that communicates love in ways that don 't need words , and I 'm genuinely honored to be so trusted by someone so small and vulnerable . There 's sombehavior . love , behavior . parenting , experiences . joy , experiences . love , people . kitfeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1965273 . html 20 February 2017 00 : 47 - " IT ME " rosefoxThanks to a link from tgstonebutch , today I learned about queerplatonic relationships ( a term coined in 2010 by kaz and meloukhia ) and spent several hours going " WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THERE ' S A NAME FOR WHAT I DO " . A good primer is here and a post on QP not being " romance - lite " is here . I want to quote both of them at length . I want to hug them . This is amazing . I 'm not aro or ace . But there is absolutely a third category of relationship in my life , in addition to partnership and friendship . I 've been calling it " partner - level friends " or " my [ name ] " because I didn 't have a word for it . And now I do . Wow . I haven 't felt this seen since I read the relationship anarchy manifesto . ( Which is very relevant . ) While discussing this with a friend , he asked how " romantic " was being defined , since both " aromantic " and " platonic " were being defined in opposition to it , and I realized I didn 't have a good answer . ( Merriam - Webster doesn 't either . Their definition of " romantic " points to " romance " , which points to " love affair " , which points back to " romantic " . ) After some discussion on Twitter , numbathyal pointed me to this piece by a possible aromantic who asked a romantic to define romance . The definition that came out of their conversation was : " Romance is a natural high that occurs in the presence of certain people , without obvious connection to sexuality , ' good company ' , or emotional intimacy . " That jibes pretty well with my experience , which I described as follows : When I look at people I 'm in love with , my body responds . My heart swells - that 's literally a feeling I get in my chest , not a metaphor . My heart rate goes up and I feel a little breathless . My pupils probably dilate . I want to be physically touching the person in some way . I 'm SUPER touchy - feely with X and J . Constant small touches as I walk past them . Always sitting as near as I can get . When I look at people I 'm in QP relationships with , I have a different set of reactions . Hardly any physical reaction at all . I do likebehavior . love , experiences . love , mind . feelings , mind . feelings . lovefeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1962611 . html 28 December 2016 01 : 08 - " Onward and upward " rosefoxDear Kit , You are one year old today . It has been a very eventful year with lots of ups and downs for our family . Through it all , you have warmed my heart ( and my lap ) and made all the hard things feel bearable and all the good things feel even better . Your smile lights up my life . Your hard work and perseverance in the face of frustration inspire me . Your unstinting love and trust make me melt . No offense to other kids , but every time I meet another child I think how lucky we are to have you . Of all possible children , I can 't imagine one better suited to our family . You are goofy and ridiculous , opinionated when it matters , amiable when it doesn 't , generous with demonstrations of affection , serious about self - improvement , vocal about your needs and easily satisfied , fascinated by the world . When people ask whether we 're planning to have another child , we tell them honestly that it would be unfair to our second child to have to put up with having such a purely wonderful older sibling . Besides , we only ever wanted one baby . I 'm so glad that baby turned out to be you , my best Kit . So glad . I don 't at all want you to feel pressure to live up to some ideal of perfection . You are perfect just as you are . You 're perfect when you 're clumsy and you 're perfect when you 're cranky and you 're perfect when you lick the couch pillows with your mouth still half full of milk . ( You will also be perfect when you 're old enough to do your own laundry . The couch pillow covers are washed on cold and hung up to dry . ) Don 't ever think that I love or appreciate you " despite " some part of you . I love every single bit of you . Sometimes I joke that you 're my littlest roommate . Before you were born I occasionally worried that when you got older we 'd have trouble living together ; in the past it 's sometimes been hard for me to share space with other people . But I love living with you , and I think we 'll have a pretty easy time of it even when you 're bigger and more actively making use of the house . behavior . love , behavior . parenting , experiences . love , mind . feelings . love , people . kit , words . lettersfeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1957247 . html 3 December 2016 03 : 25 - " I heard there was a baby " rosefoxKit happenings today : 1 ) Our crib mattress board has three height options . It 's been on the middle one since Kit was born ; we got a thick mattress and a crib bumper that meant the top setting was never quite workable . Today they were sitting in the crib and pulled up to standing without any help , and I realized that the crib rail came up to only slightly higher than their waist . I promptly took them out of the crib and lowered the mattress to the lowest setting for safety . As soon as I put them back in , they figured out how to pull up to standing again , which is good - I really didn 't want to respond to their accomplishment by making it harder for them to accomplish things . They generally seem quite happy with the change . Such an amiable child . 2 ) X pointed out that Kit really likes our laptops and phones because they see us using them so much , and suggested that we do more non - digital things with the baby . So this evening Kit and I cuddled up on the couch and read books together . We probably spent most of an hour like that , me reading an advance copy of Daniel José Older 's Battle Hill Bolero ( very good ) , Kit playing with and drooling on That 's Not My Owl ( they adore that whole series of books ) . Occasionally I 'd take pictures or answer a text , and while my hands were occupied Kit would steal my book . They liked turning it upside down and tugging at the cover and opening it to the middle and attempting to eat it . I encouraged all these things except the last one . It was one of the best hours of my life . This morning I got to bed late because the baby had woken up and all I wanted to do was spend time with them , and then I barely got any work done because the baby was home from daycare ( J 's parents were here in the morning and early afternoon ) and all I wanted to do was spend more time with them . Right now they 're fast asleep and I 'm resisting the urge to go into their room and scoop them up ; it 's great that they 're sleeping so well lately but it means we don ' behavior . love , behavior . parenting , experiences . joy , experiences . reading , people . kitfeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1956139 . html 14 November 2016 14 : 45 - " God damn it , you 've got to be kind " rosefoxI have a thread on kaberett 's love meme post if you feel like leaving me a comment . Lots of other good people are there too . Spread the love around . Also check out swan _ tower 's tikkun olam open thread . I 'm offering free training over Skype for anyone who wants to learn how to effectively call their elected representatives and ask them to support bills or otherwise take useful action . If you 're interested , PM me . Feel free to let others know about this offer ; it 's available indefinitely . I downloaded a URL blocker for Chrome and set Twitter and Tweetdeck to redirect to an eight - hour video of birdsong . It 's doing wonders for my mental health . I also ate two full meals yesterday , took the baby to visit my mother for lots of intergenerational hugs , got a haircut , and solidly slept seven and a half hours . Now I just need the last of this head cold nose - cloggery to go away and I might actually start to feel human again . thinking about : 2 September 2016 04 : 05 - " As good to myself as I am to everyone else " rosefoxTonight my therapist made me cry in a good way . I was talking about the cycle of " I gotta do the work / chores " " but I don 't wanna " " but I gotta " " but I don 't wanna " . He said , " That 's the cranky kid and the authoritarian parent , but where 's the third voice ? The compassionate parent ? " " Oh , " I said . " That 's the one I call my wife . " ( I 've decided I 'm not going to poke at why my wife is still my wife even though I 'm NB - identified now . It 's just how it is . ) " Where 's she ? " " . . . I forget to look for her . " " Well , try inviting her into these conversations . " Oh right , being kind and compassionate to myself , I forgot about that . So , some things my brain is telling me lately , and things I can say back to it with kindness and compassion : I don 't want to do work right now . " I 'm sorry it 's hard . It needs to get done , even though it 's hard . And once you start it will be easier and go faster than you think , and then you 'll be free of the burden of needing to do it . " I have so much to do and I don 't want to do any of it because there is so much . " It sounds like you 're tired and need to go to bed . When you 're rested you 'll be more confident , more efficient , and better able to prioritize . " I can 't go to bed . I have too much to do . " Right now , while you 're as awake as you 're going to get , do anything that has a real serious deadline between now and noon tomorrow . Then go to bed . You can do the rest after you get some sleep . " I can 't sleep . Something bad might happen to the baby . " You 're not on duty overnight anymore . X has the monitor on and reliably wakes up when the baby makes noise . J is getting up in a few hours . The baby is very healthy and will be totally fine . Also , it needs to be normal and okay for you to sleep while Kit is sleeping instead of hovering over them and fretting . Let 's practice that tonight - - just do it once to see how it goes . Remember that the last time you went to sleep before J got up , everything was fine . " I don 't think you understand . SOMETHING BAD behavior . kindness , behavior . love , behavior . parenting , behavior . procrastination , behavior . responsibility , behavior . self - care , body . sleep , experiences . love , experiences . therapy , experiences . work , mind . feelings . compassion , mind . feelings . stress , mind . wiring , mind . wiring . anxiety , mind . wiring . negotiation , people . my wifefeeling : breathingcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1950786 . html 5 May 2016 01 : 23 - " I choose you " rosefoxI had a total meltdown tonight over needing to be the perfect parent so that the baby will love me and believe I love them - - so that I can make up for my lack of biological link to them . Kit has a cold ( the first time they 've ever been ill ) and has been so snuffly and feverish and sad . If Kit is sad and I don 't fix it , what the hell kind of parent am I ? And that triggers the doubts and fears about being no kind of parent at all . This wasn 't helped by someone asking me about my Mother 's Day plans with my mom and assuming they didn 't include the baby , because that person doesn 't really think of Kit as my child or as my mother 's grandchild . I 've lost count of how many times people have erased my various identities - - seeing me and J as a het couple , getting my pronouns wrong all the time , assuming X mattered less to me than J because of gender and distance , to name just a few - - but oof , this erasure hurts the most , because on some level I believe it . ( And also because the whole idea of being a parent is new , I think . I 'm still not really used to it at all , so if someone says or implies I 'm not one , I don 't have that rock - solid identity certainty to brace myself against . ) I vented on Twitter , as I do , and oh _ also sent me to First Time Second Time , a blog by two queer parents who each gave birth to one of their kids . They write a lot about being non - gestational parents and it 's really good . Their non - bio mom manifesto is exactly what I needed to read tonight , and the last two paragraphs in particular : Even though I really hate the " Different but Equal " refrain , I 'd be hard - pressed to say that my relationship with Leigh wasn 't different than Gail 's , at least during early infancy . So even though I get annoyed by such statements , I also sort of agree . But if I truly believe I do have a different and equal relationship to Leigh , even though she didn 't grow inside me , even though I didn 't nurse and nourish her as a baby , and even though she does not look a bit like me , there behavior . love , behavior . parenting , experiences . love , mind . wiring , mind . wiring . anxiety , people . family , people . kitfeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1941111 . html 11 April 2016 19 : 37 - " But the best thing about New York City is you and me " rosefoxApril 8th was my 10th wedding anniversary with J . ( We picked 4 / 8 / 06 as our wedding date for lots of reasons , and having 4 / 8 / 16 as our 10th anniversary wasn 't a major one , but it was in the back of my mind as a perk . ) We went out for steak frites and took a walk through lower Manhattan . We made each other laugh a lot . We came home and snuggled and made out . It was a very nice celebration , made possible by X 's kind gift of all - evening baby care . One of the reasons we picked that date is that it was also our falling - in - love anniversary . We 've been all swoony for each other for 14 years . Gosh . I wonder whether I should replace my " me and Josh " userpic with something that 's been taken in the past 12 years . We both look a little different now . : ) But we still look at each other just the same way . He is my most favorite husband and I am so happy to have him in my life . thinking about : 28 February 2016 01 : 08 - " I told my knees to please not knock " rosefoxKit is two months old today . They 're starting daycare in two weeks , when X goes back to work , so I wrote up an unnecessarily long letter for the daycare staff . I really like it as a snapshot ( or 2 . 3 snapshots , since it 's about 2300 words ) of who we all are right now . = = = = = ( Seriously , unnecessarily long ) = = = = = Of course none of this says anything about how the three of us will cope with Kit being in daycare , but I think it 'll be fine once we all adjust a bit . It 's only three blocks from home and they have a very generous drop - in policy . And this is a great encouragement to develop a more solid daily routine for Kit , which I think will be good for everyone . And we get to order super cute clothing and bottle name labels with tiny foxes on them . Also , let 's be honest , I am REALLY looking forward to having the house to myself for a few hours every day . It will be weird for Kit 's room to not have Kit in it , but I 'll keep the door closed and take taurine and / or call the daycare if I get fretful . It 's been a really good two months and I feel like we 're ready for what comes next . We 've been talking a lot about plans to rearrange the main room of the house , have more friends over , do more things out in the world ( Kit really loves going out , which helps ) . After the wild upheaval of pregnancy and new baby , we 've found our footing , not in the sense of thinking we have it all figured out - - because of course things will keep changing as Kit grows , and who knows what other changes will happen in the rest of our lives - - but in the sense of having a stable stance . I have been watching a lot of videos of virtuoso basketball player Steph Curry , and it 's easy to get caught up in watching his arms , or watching the ball go right where he puts it . But I watch his feet , because that 's where the shot begins . With your feet under you , you can handle whatever comes at you . We 're getting there . It 's good . thinking about : 18 February 2016 00 : 58 - " A house and all of that " rosefoxEvery time a longtime friend visits and meets the baby , I say " Look at me ! Look at all this ! " with some bewilderment , and we agree that back when we met we had no idea this was where we 'd end up . Tuesday was my 15th self - wedding anniversary and I had a similar conversation with myself . I still vividly remember writing down those wedding vows in my dream journal , back in my slightly shabby room in the mint - green Jersey City house . It was two months before my nervous breakdown but I was definitely already feeling the strain . My lease was coming up in March , I was moving to California in June , in between I had grand and rather daunting plans to tour Europe with my mother and then take a train across the country for alt . polycon , my relationships were coming apart at the seams , my physical health was precarious , being prescribed the wrong dose of Zoloft had completely fucked me up mentally , and I had a job but no career and savings but no goals ( other than the move , which ended up entirely consuming those savings faster than I could have thought possible ) . I knew a lot of things in my life were broken and I had no idea how to fix them . Making vows to be good to myself - - as good to myself as I was to my partners - - was an essential first step on the road to making things better , the road to where I am now . I 'm in a beautiful house with a wonderful family , my mental and physical health are the best they 've been in my adult life , my relationships are rock - solid , my job and career are deeply satisfying , and we 're almost done paying off our debt . I 've had a lot of good fortune , no question , but there 's also no question that I got here because I insisted on loving and valuing myself and continually reshaping my life into one that made me healthier and happier . In mid - 2000 , as my mind and my life were slowly falling apart , I wrote this little ditty : I am here and all is wellAnd all the world can go to hellAs far as I 'm concernedThere 's one thing that I 've learnedStanding onbehavior . accomplishments , behavior . love , body . health , events . anniversaries , experiences . history , mind . wiring , people . kit , people . my wife , places . home , words . songs , words . songs . day by dayfeeling : happycloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1936067 . html 12 February 2016 04 : 47 - " The world could end outside our window " rosefoxSleepy from a big meal , Kit reached out and patted me . " You 're touching me , " I said . " Your hand is on my chest . " I returned the gesture . " And my hand is on your chest . " Kit went very still and quiet and thoughtful , and we sat there and looked at each other for a long time . Then the baby fell asleep , and left me alone with my awe . thinking about : 6 February 2016 03 : 21 - " If we part I 'm sure we 'll meet again " rosefoxOn Wednesday night , X watched Kit while J and I had a date . Tonight J watched Kit while X and I had a date . I 'll do the same for them next Wednesday . This is yet another reason to be grateful to be in a three - parent household . We all seem to be " hooray , a few hours off from babycare " parents rather than " miss the baby even if just for a few hours " parents . I 'm relieved that there 's no mismatch there ; it would be very awkward if one of us was trying to talk about work or movies or whatever while the other one pined and tried to log into the babycam from their phone . We all love Kit and love spending time with Kit and also are very glad to get breaks . J and I went to Dassara Ramen for our date , a favorite of ours . They had their wonderful lamb ramen on the menu , so of course I got that , and we split an order of shishito peppers that made us miss Japan . We mostly talked about J 's work and workplace stuff , and my theories about how there should be way more film and television adaptations of romance novels . The night was drizzly and cool , and we walked up Smith to Fulton and then over to Nevins to get the subway home . I got dairy - free ice cream at the vegan juice bar around the corner - - there are two kinds of Brooklyn vegan juice bars , the hipster kind and the Rastafarian kind , and this one is the Rasta kind , so the ice cream came in a plastic half - pint deli container but only cost $ 4 - - and then we snuggled and smooched for a good long while . It was really really nice . X and I trekked into Manhattan to go to Senza Gluten , since all the Brooklyn GF restaurants we might want to go to are actually less convenient to get to . X had their first postpartum beer , a bitter - sharp IPA that made me make the sucked - a - lemon face . We joked a lot with the server , who was so nice that X left them a thank - you note . I had lamb again , come to think of it , in a ragù over cavatelli . We walked up to Union Square in the bitter cold . In the station , we tipped some human - statue bbehavior . love , behavior . parenting , behavior . polyamory , experiences . love , people . family , people . josh , people . kit , people . xtinafeeling : lovedcloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1935293 . html 5 November 2015 22 : 20 - " Just to be on the safe side " rosefoxEveryone is completely fine . ( A fun trip to the ER ) I should probably eat something - - I 've barely eaten anything at all today - - and then go try to sleep some more . If I 'm lucky this whole thing will have reset my sleep schedule back to where it should be . Not the way I would have chosen to do that , but I 'll take what I can get . thinking about : 14 September 2015 02 : 01 - " When they start the love machine and I can love again " rosefoxYesterday was a wonderful wonderful day and I only cried once ( though that once was not very much fun ) . Today was a wonderful wonderful day and I didn 't cry at all . I think my hormones are finally fucking off and leaving me in peace . I swear my PMS has been way worse since X got pregnant . They 're offgassing hormones or something . I got the crying over with early in the day yesterday , so X and I had most of the afternoon and the entire evening to spend on more enjoyable pursuits . ( J was upstate visiting his mother . ) X took a two - hour nap . I took a long soothing shower , got dressed , started a load of laundry , decided what to make for dinner , shopped , and cooked . I also pasteurized a jarful of honey for X , using my awesome ThermoClamp thermometer holder . It was cool enough in our kitchen that when X woke up they came out to hang out at the table and keep me company while I was cooking . HELLO AUTUMN I MISSED YOU . I made a very mild coconut curry that we both really liked , so that 's a new thing on the list of known - good meals , which is always nice . I did the dishes and then we snuggled up and watched The Aristocats , because we noticed that Alex had struck a pose that was 100 % pure O ' Malley , and once we identified it we agreed that watching the movie was required . If you want to know what Alex is like , just watch O ' Malley strut around while singing about how great he is . All the body language is exactly the same . After that , X went to bed , and I did . . . something . Read a book , maybe ? Or maybe that was Friday . I can 't even remember now . Anyway , I toddled off to bed around 4 with earplugs in . I slept a full 7 . 5 hours , the longest sleep I 've had in ages , and didn 't remember my dreams at all . X and I had a leisurely early afternoon at home and then went out and got haircuts . On the train we read a couple of RIE parenting books and talked about the parts we liked and didn 't ; I think there 's enough useful stuff in there to be worth inflicting behavior . love , body . hair , body . reproductive system , body . sleep , events . holidays , events . holidays . rosh hashanah , experiences . joy , experiences . seasons , experiences . seasons . autumn , experiences . weather , food , food . cooking , food . cooking . curry , food . cooking . curry . coconut , mind . wiring , mind . wiring . anxiety , people . cats , people . josh , people . xtinafeeling : happycloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1914927 . html 12 September 2015 04 : 26 - " She thinks she 's alone , doesn 't even know " rosefoxToday was September 11th . Every year is different and this year I was purely avoidant . I scrolled quickly through LJ and DW , and continued to live in my mentions on Twitter . ( I am loving living in my mentions and might never go back to big Twitter . It 's so peaceful and quiet . ) When I put away the dinner leftovers I wrote " 9 / 10 " on the lid . I left my annual comment for fimbrethil and otherwise I tried to just have a quiet day . = = = = = My pursuit of peace was greatly aided by yesterday 's giant storms , which swept summer away and brought autumn in . A / C off , window open , glorious soothing breeze all day . Sam has been very snuggly over the last couple of days , I think because of the cooler weather . Hello , autumn . I missed you so much . X and J have likewise been very snuggly , and the three of us have been having some really nice family cuddle time . We 're doing our last big relationship maintenance / upgrade push before the baby comes and we have to put that all on hold for a while , so there 's been a lot of processing and serious talking and emotional vulnerability and like that , but we 're all handling it pretty well , I think - - other than my hormone - induced daily sobbing fits of the past week , which have sort of put a crimp in my active listening - - and I love that through it all we 're just being so good to one another and to ourselves . My family is the best . = = = = = ( A very peculiar nightmare ) thinking about : 1 August 2015 23 : 09 - " Black coffee 's not enough for me " rosefox " My arms aren 't that sore , I can totally go to the gym and work with a new personal trainer , " I said on Monday . " Ow , ow ow ow , " I said on Tuesday , Wednesday , Thursday , and Friday . ( Arms blah ) Other than my perennially cranky limbs , my health 's been very good . I 've been moving around enough to keep my knees happy . I don 't remember the last time anyone in the house had so much as a cold . My ears are being very well behaved . I have a weird ongoing thing where it sometimes feels like food is caught in my throat , but my ENT checked it out and says it 's just congestion . I finally went to a decent allergist ( after years of thinking I should ) and learned that I 'm allergic to roaches and dust mites ; we don 't have roaches but we do have a lot of dust , given all the books and all the cats , so I guess that 's a good reason to change my sheets weekly , have the sainted Angela over to clean the house monthly , and maybe get an air purifier for my room . I could also get allergy shots but there 's no guarantee they 'll help , I hate injections , and it just seems like more than I can emotionally cope with right now . Ask me again when I 've slept . Still not caught up on sleep post - RWA . Hoping to fix that this week . = = = = = ( Being good partners ) = = = = = J went out of town for a week . Every day he was gone , Alex got more and more vocal and unhappy and lonely and affectionate . When he came back Alex glued himself to J and would not leave his side until J went to bed and shut the door . Then Alex plunked down sadly outside J 's room , looking woefully at me every time I walked by . Apparently he has decided that he 's J 's cat . J wasn 't consulted about this but doesn 't appear to be displeased . He still gets to pick our next cat . : ) The cats are generally getting along very well . There 's still occasional chasing and swatting and hissing , but you know , they 're cats . Sam and Sophie generally hang out on X 's bed all day , grudgingly managing to get within a foot or two of each other . Alex sleeps in mbehavior . being useful , behavior . love , behavior . planning , body . allergies , body . arms , body . exercise , body . hands , body . health , body . pain , body . sleep , body . strength , experiences . annoyances , experiences . marriage , experiences . work . freelance , food , food . cooking , people . cats , people . josh , people . kit , people . xtina , places . home , projects , projects . reading while cooking , stuff . books , stuff . techfeeling : busycloned : http : / / rosefox . livejournal . com / 1908487 . html
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Yes , the new iPad is a wonderful tool for keeping up with email , news , blogs , etc . . And it also is a fantastic way to read books , having access to not only Apple 's own iBook inventory , but also to that of Amazon 's Kindle . So , naturally I have a few books all loaded up , ready to be read when I have some free time . But ' free time ' is becoming a scarce commodity around chez treppenwitz because of the new time - suck app installed on the svelte device ; Netflix . If you sign up for Netflix ( the first month is free ! ) you have access to an incredible collection of movies and TV shows on a monthly ' all you can eat ' basis . . . many of which can be streamed directly to your iPad . If , like me , you live outside the US , the DVD deliveries are of no use , so the streaming selections are the only ones of interest . [ Tech Note : To stream American TV shows and movies to a computer or iPad outside the US , you will need to make the source think you are actually inthe US . This is not difficult . Google the term ' VPN ' . The makers of the iPad must have anticipated Americans roaming the globe , jonesing for their fix of US TV and film , since VPN is one of the first things listed in the settings panel . Anyone who needs help with this can send me an email . ] Last night during dinner I watched an episode of The Dick Van Dyck Show . . . and after dinner I put a few dozen other shows and movies into my ' instant watch ' que so that they are , quite literally , a click away whenever I want to see them . Sleep ? I can sleep when I 'm dead . adjectivedefinition : attractively thin ; gracefully slender . Although I 've always thought the word sounded vaguely Scandinavian , it is actually borrowed from the French ' svelte ' , and directly related to the Italian ' svelto ' , both of which mean roughly " stretched out " . Apropos since I am currently stretched out on the couch , writing this post on my new toy which is indeed svelte ; my new iPad . I know , I know . . . I said I was planning to wait until the second generation iPad ( with a camera ) came out . But two things conspired to send me home from the US with this new toy tucked into my carry - on : 1 . I 'm not so good with the whole ' delayed gratification ' thing . Granted , I was doing pretty well with this . We paid two visits to the Apple store on Broadway in Manhattan . . . and Zahava can testify that she was able to drag me from the store empty - handed ( albeit sobbing ) on both occasions . 2 . My parents have been wanting to get an iPad for themselves so my mom can do her daily reads ( Times op - eds , news , magazines , blogs , etc . ) without having to sit down at the dreaded computer . The idea of being able to consume her media fix from the couch or a comfy chair without wires , mouse or other distractions was incredibly appealing to her . She had asked me to check out the iPad for her when I was at the Apple store , and if I thought it was a good fit for her , I would take her to the Apple store in Stamford to buy one . What I didn 't know is that once they saw how much I was jonesing for an iPad , they decided to surprise me at the Stamford store by buying two and handing one to me . Is it a computer ? No . But it can do almost everything a computer can do . . . all while being described as ' svelte ' . On the rare occasion that I need a full blown computer , I 'll book some time on one of the Macs belonging to Zahava or the kids . Lord knows they will all owe me some reciprocity for all the iPad time they are logging . Each time I read a piece about bedbugs turning up in some new locale , my body would start to itch in what I 'm sure ( I hope ! ) was a psychosomatic reaction . All I could think about was how this is going to affect the Jewish community where it is extremely common to open one 's home to even relative strangers . Has anyone else been thinking about this ? Our flight left New York at 5 : 50PM on Sunday afternoon . Or , more correctly , it pushed back from the gate at that time . But due to heavy rain and lightning , our flight , and every other flight waiting to depart JFK , was held on the ground pending a break in the weather . Finally , after more than five hours of wating for the rain to let up , we were told to buckle up . . . and so a few minutes after 11 : 00PM we were finally airborne . However , our plan had been for the overnight flight to put us into Vienna first thing in the morning . . . allowing us a full day of touring before our evening flight . The pilots were able to make up about an hour over the Atlantic , but by the time we 'd landed we 'd still lost four hours of our stop - over in Vienna . Once we 'd deplaned , we took the 16 minute train ride into the center of Vienna and spent an enjoyable half day visiting the historic district in the center of the city . We had wanted to visit the synagogue at the Judengasse ( Jew 's alley ) , but when we arrived we were told that it was only open to organized tours . Instead we had a quick lunch at the nearby kosher bagel joint ( good food , but pricey ) . The plane we were on was clean and new , but like all airlines , the seats ( at least in cattle class ) were very close to one another . I 'm almost 6 ' 2 " , so this means that my knees are jammed against the seat in front of me . The only small relief I can look forward to is that after take - off and between meals , I can recline the seat - back the few meager inches it can travel . That was it for me . I explained that if I had to choose between my comfort and their ability to watch a movie , it was a no - brainer . . . their movie was going to have to wait ' til they got home . I reclined my seat again . Things quieted down for a few moments . But not because the kids had gotten the message . One or both of them had apparently gone to tell their parents that the mean man in front of them had yelled at them and was using his seat to keep them from watching their movie . Within a few minutes my seat back began to be kicked again , but this time more violently . When I turned around to yell again , I saw that now their mother was sitting behind me , and she was using both her hands and feet to try to push my seat into the upright position . When I told her to stop , she petulantly explained that I had been asked to straighten my seat , and that I was required to comply with the request . Since I had refused , she was doing it for me . No such luck . Without warning my seat was pushed fully upright with such force that I nearly hit my head on the seat - back in front of me . I turned around to yell at the woman , but now saw that she 'd moved over one seat and her husband had taken the seat behind me . I asked him what the hell was wrong with him . He replied as his wife had . . . that I had been requested to straighten my seat , and that since I 'd refused , he 'd done it for me . This was too much . I sat back down . . . pushed my seat all the way back , and at the same time pushed the flight attendant call button . It was a full flight , so it took the flight attendant several minutes to arrive . But in the interim , the idiot behind me continued to pummel my seat with his hands and feet . . . all the time making derogatory comments about ' religious people ' ( I was wearing my kippah ) . So I pushed the call button again . When the flight attendant returned , I explained that I was being assaulted and that I wanted her to take action . She promised to send her crew chief . In the interim , the husband and wife began assuring me and Zahava ( who was sitting across the aisle from me ) that they were going to have me arrested for threatening their children when we landed in Israel . They promised us that ours would be a very sad vacation ( they assumed we were tourists ) . When Zahava sweetly explained that we lived in Israel , the husband said , " what a shame " . Within a few minutes the flight crew chief arrived and asked me my name . . . checked it against the flight manifest , and then asked the man behind me his name . . . and checked it against the manifest . He then listened patiently while the moron and his wife ranted on about how I had been asked to move my seat and that I was required to comply . He then said the following : " I am responsible for the safety and comfort of over two hundred passengers on this flight . I do not have time to play kindergarten teacher . Every seat on this plane is capable of reclining and everyone who wants to is allowed to use this function . This man 's seat reclines and so does yours . You are not allowed to move his seat and I must insist that you stop doing so immediately . " As if they hadn 't heard , the two of them continued to loudly argue that they had asked me to move my seat and that since they 'd asked , I was required to comply . Each time they said this the crew - chief corrected them and patiently explained that they were mistaken . Except for during take - off , landing and meal service , everyone was allowed to recline their seats . I thought that would be the end of it , but then the cretin began asking the crew chief if he could put his feet against the back of my chair . The crew chief said that he could , but that he couldn 't use them to move my seat . He then asked " what if I need to move around or adjust my position . . . can I do that ? " . Again , the crew chief answered in the affirmative , but stressed that he couldn 't intentionally jostle my seat . After the crew chief left , the misanthrope spent about 15 minutes digging his feet and knees into the back of my chair and playing at readjusting his position . It was only after Zahava took out a camera and aimed it at him that he stopped . But he wasn 't done yet . He began loudly telling us that it was illegal to photograph someone without their consent , and that this was yet another thing we 'd be charged with when we landed . Not knowing the law , I whispered to Zahava not to take any pictures / movies . . . but to be prepared to in case things got worse . When we finally landed I got our things out of the overhead compartments and ushered my family to the front of the plane . As we passed the flight crew , several of them gave me sympathetic smiles and head tilts , but that was not much consolation . The crew chief was standing near the door and he apologized for my discomfort and wished me goodbye with a sympathetic head - tilt . As we stepped off the plane I saw a large group of security personnel standing in the jet - way just outside the door , but didn 't think much of it . On the way to passport control , several Israelis approached me and offered what were intended to be comforting statements ranging from " You were in the right " , to " You should have beaten him and his wife unconscious " . Sadly , these comments offered little comfort . Where were these people during the flight ? If they had shouted at the idiots behind me and told them that their behavior was unacceptable , perhaps they might have stopped . Bullies rely on the silence and timidity of others to get their way . . . and these well wishers were classic examples of the sort who passively enable bullies everywhere . I have no idea what really happened to them . It may be that we just didn 't see them ( although Zahava was clearly looking for them ) . It may also be that one or both of the parents was detained and maybe even charged for their disorderly behavior on the flight . I don 't know , and I don 't care . I know it is not particularly in keeping with the seasonal spirit of forgiveness . . . but I firmly believe that there is a special punishment reserved for such people . And that if they are not punished in this world . . the world to come holds an unpleasant surprise or two for people like that . So the lost suitcase I mentioned earlier turns out to be anything but an isolated bit of bad luck on our part . My parents came in a few days later on the same airline ( Austrian ) . . . and they had two of their bags opt for separate vacations . Since landing , every day ( multiple times per day ) we called up the number we 'd been given by Austrian Airlines and listened to the same recorded voice telling us that while the office was open , they were busy dealing with other customers , so we 'd have to leave a message and someone would get back to us . Needless to say , nobody ever called us back . Finally we started sending emails to the address listed in our lost baggage form . First one a day , and then several emails each day . . . with increasingly creative use of invective and expletives . At long last Zahava got an email from a woman in Israel representing Austrian Airlines ( presumably because that was our point of origin ) asking how to reach us by phone ( we 'd included our phone number in every email ) . Zahava sent it , and within a few minutes the woman actually called . In addition to telling us our bag had so far vacationed in Amsterdam , she authorized Zahava a budget of $ 150 dollars to go buy some replacement clothes ( which she confirmed in a follow - up email ) . Many of you may not know Zahava . Where most people would take that $ 150 bucks and buy a pair of shoes or a dress . . . she headed out on a hard - target search of every outlet store within a 4 hour radius , hell - bent on finding already discounted items , marked down several times . . . and on close - out . Talbots and Old Navy were especially hard hit . And when the dust had cleared , Zahava had an entire new wardrobe , And change left over from the $ 150 for accessories ! But still our wayward suitcase ( and my parent 's two bags ) remained abroad . It turns out that our bag was reluctant to cut short its European vacation and had made its way from Amsterdam to Athens where it was having a great time ( " wish you were here dahling . . . mwah ! " ) . Several attempts to send it to JFK via Olympic airways , anPosted by David Bogner on August 15 , 2010 | Permalink In my last post I made a sarcastic reference to my parent 's place in Westport as ' the family compound ' . . . as if we were Kennedy 's or something . The fact is , growing up in Connecticut one learns all the signaling behaviors required to be accepted . To explain this let me quote my friend Ben Chorin : " . . . signaling behavior [ is when ] members of the community do apparently costly and useless things simply to signal to each other that they are reliable colleagues . One wears just the right sort of hat and frock ( or jeans and earring ) , eats the approved foods , and so on . The more tight - knit and insular the community , the more costly and bizarre the signals and hence the more exclusionary . " Now , in the quote above , Ben was describing the way members of Haredi communities act to ensure inner identification , In WASP enclaves like New England , there are also behaviors one learns , and signals one adopts in order to gain acceptance ( or at least to not stand out ) . Like light skinned blacks who attend the ' right schools ' and learn to speak with academic accents in an attempt to ' pass ' , many Jews in the U . S . go to great sartorial , linguistic and culinary lengths to gain admission to non - Jewish society and mingle freely in the rarefied social strata of the ' goyim ' . I loved being a New Englander and embraced pretty much all of the requisite signs and behaviors required to fit in . I can still tie the leather laces on my docksiders just so and favor LL Bean over just about any other brand . And even after becoming religious ( an act which required setting myself apart in many ways ) , I retained my taste for WASPy fashion . Heck , even though I had to swear off lobster tail and bacon when I embraced Jewish culture , the taste of summer blueberries and sweet corn still brings canoes full of youthful memories flooding back . I noted that on the first couple of days that we were here in Westport , when I wore a ball cap around town , I moved effortlessly among the neighbors and shopkeepers . But today when I went out wearing a kippah , a polite but impePosted by David Bogner on August 11 , 2010 | Permalink Flight from India to Israel landed on Friday . . . and the flight from Israel to New York ( via Vienna ) took off early Sunday morning . The flights to Europe and the U . S . were punctuated by my excited six year old sitting next to me alternating between looking out the window and asking me if we are there yet . The whole way . No exaggeration . Seriously . Luckily the Austrian Airlines planes were both clean and new , and the flight attendants ( who looked like the result of a Third Reich eugenics experiment ) were pleasant and helpful . We arrived safely at JFK but were less than pleased to find that one of our suitcases ( Zahava 's ) opted to take a side trip to Amsterdam . The lost luggage agent seemed just a little too glib with her explanation for this to have been an aberrant event . We are now safe and sound at the family compound in Westport , and it is only the smell of the ocean and the promise of being lulled too sleep by the sound of the surf that are keeping me sane right now . Jasmine . I love the smell of fresh Jasmine . And it is seemingly everywhere in Chennai ( Madras ) . But best of all , here in the state of Tamil Nadu , many of the women walk around with fragrant strands of fresh cut Jasmine woven into their hair . . . so at the most unexpected moments , walking down the street , a waft of Jasmine will sock you right in the nose ! Masala Chai . I 'm not about to give up good coffee as a way to start my day . But just about everywhere i go throughout my day I am offered a cup of ' Masala ' ; a heavenly blend of spices brewed with tea , hot water and milk . You can buy Masala Chai teabags pretty much anywhere in the world which already have the spices and tea mixed . But I plan on buying a nice supply of the spices before I go home so I can brew the stuff myself at home . This Shabbat I was in Mumbai and attended services at the old Knesset Eliyahoo synagogue there . While there , I was able to reconnect with the gentlemen who had suggested to my Indian client they he look up their former headmaster during his Israel trip . When I approached this gentleman after Friday night services to personally thank him for making the connection , I was unprepared for his reaction . The old man 's face fell , and he looked positively stricken . After a moment , he said , " Oh my . . . you must have just arrived and missed the news " . He explained that the retired headmaster I had met with my client had suffered a terrible personal tragedy . One of the officers killed in Romania had been his grandson . . . the child of his oldest daughter . As he told me , the scene played back in my mind of our last few minutes with the old man and his wife in Rishon . As we 'd stood in their homey foyer preparing to say our good - byes , they had proudly pointed out all the family photographs of the children they had brought from India to Israel , as well as the many grandchildren they had raised to be proud Israelis . In my mind 's eye I could still see the photograph of their oldest daughter and her children , smiling sometime in the past . . . blissfully unaware of a future tragedy . On Friday , just hours before I received this terrible news from an Indian in Mumbai , the remains of the fallen Israeli airmen had been returned to their families for burial . . . and one by one , just a few hours before shabbat , each of these grieving families buried a part of their lives . . . a part of their dreams . Yes , there are some wonderful aspects to being a part of such a small , interconnected community . But there are sharp edges to this tiny Jewish world of ours . Posted by David Bogner on August 1 , 2010 | Permalink
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Much has changed around the barracks here … . I have decided to redo my sitting room by adding large red curtains , plants , and better lighting . One night when The General and I were sitting on the couch , I told him I felt our living room needed to be changed , so we started moving furniture randomly at 9 : 30pm … . . and we found a much cozier medium and added a few upgrades : a candelabra surrounded by other candles in our fireplace in lieu of the gas logs we have yet to purchase gas for , cutting our entertainment center stand in half to create a lower profile , and adding better bulbs to our seldom - used overhead light ( it used to make the room look … . jaundiced ) . We 're also tackling the non - dinning room aka The General 's art studio ; it 's the only room downstairs with original almond paint . The General has decided to paint a wall mural on one side too . I am very excited about that ! I 'm not sure what 's causing this nesting frenzy , but it has been fun and only slightly expensive . Our whole downstairs has a warmer feel to it . I like it a lot . We have continued attending the church I had mentioned some time back . It 's been really good . You can totally feel the Holy Spirit in the air . I need to get involved . They have a ministry that has spiked my interest in a realm I have very little training . It 's a matter of me picking up the phone and making it happen . I don 't know why I 'm dragging my feet - fear of the unknown , I suppose , and how my last volunteer gig just reiterated my outcastness . 2014 is off to a great start . Now I am just waiting for the warm seas and weather . I need a day in the sun on a board in the waves . Posted on 13 November 2013 by The General 's Wife A couple months ago I randomly showed up to an expo with various businesses . I stumbled upon a church 's booth , a denomination that I associated with in high school and college ( I currently attended and consider myself " non - denom " ) . They were giving away free coffee mugs and cookies , so I grabbed one . I also saw they had a newsletter so I picked that up too . I was just curious . This denomination has a tendency to be … . weird . I wondered what they were about . As I read through the newsletter , it was full of stuff going on at the church . They have several very active ministries in the community and there was constantly activity with a vibrant fellowship ( I saw that at the booth ) . I read the Pastor 's letter and I was drawn in : in a few weeks they were going to have several services dedicated to sanctifying the church , to grow stronger in the Lord and thus be a shining beacon to the surrounding community . Rock on , I thought . Through my quiet time , I felt a pull from the Lord to go to these services . It was pretty strong . I kept checking their website , trying to see when the services were listed - mainly for the time - and it never was . I had every intention of calling the church office , but I ended up dreaming it instead . I dreamt I went to this church and it was really odd , the pastor in my dream was very elusive and strange and I asked him point blank what time the services started and he said 7pm . It wasn 't that much of a stretch - most evening church services start at 7pm . I never did call the office . I was just going to show up at 7pm . And that was that . I explained to The General the best I could on why I wanted to attend these 3 nights at a random church where I knew no one and wasn 't sure what their worship style was . I went alone , as The General is much more sensitive to religious experiences - he grew up Catholic like me - and I wanted to scope it out before I brought him into the fold . He doesn 't mesh well with church services out of his comfort zone . I arrived and sat towards the back . I was greeted by several people and the pastor came up and introduced himself to me . I miss that . I go to a rather large church here and one - on - one time with the pastor is nearly impossible . The church was a carbon copy physically of the church I attended in college as well as high school , down to the color of the pews . It was comforting . As the service started , it was pretty much what I expected it to be . There was a lot of hand raising and expressive worship - and everyone hugs each other . I 'm a midwesterner at heart with my personal bubble , so this was a bit awkward for me . The sermon was a guest speaker , so I didn 't hear the pastor speak , but he closed the services in prayer and his prayers were so elegant , deep , and powerful ; truly a man of God . I could feel the Holy Spirit in that church - it was really a strong presence . After the last service , the Pastor asked me my name and my family status . I told him I would be back . I got home that night and The General and I talked about it . I wanted to go the following Sunday to the morning service and think about joining this church . I again was going to go alone , because The General had to work Sunday morning . After talking to him about it , I decided not to . Despite my being drawn to this church , I cannot go and make decisions like this without him present . While this church may be perfect for me , I am not in this alone , I have The General to consider . He did agree to attend with me one Sunday after a bit of coaxing . Sometimes my independent streak gets the best of me . That 's one thing I love about our marriage : I can still maintain my independence . But on other hand , as we discussed , I can 't let my independence trump what is best for us . I got up early yesterday to freeze my butt off in my 1st 5k of the year . Early is 0630 . It 's especially early when you don 't leave work until 2300 . I attempted a nap , but sleep failed to come . The weekends at work tend to be crazy , and I need sleep . I would have loved to have gone to a sunrise service at the beach - something I 've never done - but going on a few hours sleep when my day off isn 't for another 5 days didn 't sound fun . So while Jesus and the sun rose , I slept . It doesn 't help that The General is at work . I 'm in between churches at the moment too . I 'm not sure where I belong . I need more information about the new church before I really become invested . My old church is awesome , but there will be about 12 , 000 , 000 people there for each of their services and I don 't feel like being the salmon trying to go upstream . And I 'm a bit sick of being alone in a crowd . As I 'm waiting for my coffee to be done , I feel like I should have gone somewhere . Why ? It 's Easter . I don 't go to church on Christmas because of the crowds ( and that work thing ) . As I 'm sitting here thinking I should have gone to the one in my backyard , and my phone bings . My Bible app messaged me . While the Bible I read is in English , I changed the app settings to be in German - I figured I could navigate it and learn some new German words at the same time . The text was in German . I was able to translate the 1st part , but needed translation software for the 2nd . It read : The Lord makes me smile . Stop sitting there hemming and hawing about where you didn 't go for church ! Pick up your Bible , read the accounts and be joyful that Jesus died for yours ( and everyone 's ! ) sins ! And I 'm going to do just that ! It was also nice to wake up and come down to an Easter basket filled with all sorts of chocolate and a card from my General , thanking me to for helping him walk with God . Melted my heart . I got him an Easter basket , too . While I didn 't put any candy in there ( his weight is starting to concern him , since he 's not running due to a nerve in foot injury ) , I did put 2 plastic eggs and 2 of his newly favorite craft beers from a local store he couldn 't stop raving about . I wrote a note on a piece of scratch paper : He has risen ! The church meets in a building I 've gone past 100 times , but never actually went inside . I was blown away by the sheer architecture of the building . Did I mention I 'm easily amused ? This is also a hipster church - I 'm still warming up to how I officially feel about it - but so far so good , minus a video which included some seriously major cheese . I liked how the guy who warmly greeted us at the door had sleeves ( that 's tattoos from shoulder to wrist ) and an eyebrow piercing . So much for avoiding the hipster churches . There were about 30 people in the congregation this morning . " This is the smallest church I 've ever been to , " exclaimed The General . Outside of the coffeehouse service I attended in NOLA circa 2001 , this was also the smallest I 've ever encountered . It was nice . People spoke to us . It was intimate . People shouted " Amen ! " and they really hit it home on their message . It 's not a Pentecostal type worship , but they encourage you to worship however you feel the Spirit leading you . Everything they said could be backed by Scripture ( yay ! ) and they 're against the prosperity gospel ( wealth = you 're blessed from God ; poor = not blessed ) . Major kudos . It 's far from traditional , the Southern Baptist in me sometimes freaks . I compare everything to Pastor Richard and the church of my youth after I left the Catholic church - it 's not the same , but they 're teaching out of the same Book . < insert techie rant > Oddities included LCD parcans / broads . If you don 't know what a parcan or broad is , just ignore this . It 's a great way around having a dimmer rack , I must say ! They had in - ear monitors , though , and a decent mixing board with people who balanced the sound nicely in the small venue . < end techie rant > We 'll go back . I think I need to warm up the situation , as I am with everything else . The General is ready to volunteer and get involved . Whoa ! He 's excited to go back . I will say this : I totally felt the Holy Spirit at the service today . I just need time to take it all in and process it . Us introverts need our space . I 'm excited to see where this will go . While our old church is still very awesome , it 's been since Illinois since I 've felt part of a church family … . that 's … . . 2005 ? Too long . Lots of prayer and an open heart and mind . Today we are going to check out a new church . It 's a recently formed church and it just so happens to be walking distance from our house . Our current church is on the other side of the county . It just sort of happened . Awhile ago , I was thinking about leaving my current church because I just didn 't fit in . It 's a hipster church - it 's where all the cool kids go - and if middle school / high school taught me anything , it was that I am not part of the cool crowd . I recognized this while I was bouncing for the nursery : I was passed over in conversations by both women and men ( " Why are you talking to me if you don 't know my wife ? " looks ) . My want to leave current church has nothing to do with doctrine ; it has everything to do with the social aspect . I love my multigenerational small group ( okay , so it 's all baby boomers with 1 Gen X and me , the Gen Y ) , but that too has its limitations . Most are divorced . I wouldn 't call any of them to " hang out " one night ; although they have an amazing perspective on life because all have traveled such different roads . So enter new church . We actually got a thing in the mail about it and I just breezed right over it . Last week we were invited to a new church service downtown , but after some internet sleuthing , I found that our beliefs to not line up with this particular denomination . I 'm all about straight non - denom Christian . I went for a run last Sunday and randomly passed this church . With gas prices the way they are and my want for another setting , we decided to check out this church and see what it 's all about . Why ? Mainly because of work and my schedule that gets thrown about at the last minute ( like this weekend … . again ! ) . So to save time and face , I figured it 'd be easier if I wasn 't counted on being there . Hopefully work will stabilize and I 'll get back to a regularly scheduled schedule . Not to mention the trip I 'm going to take back in time at the beginning of August would conflict , too . More about that later . That 's the surface reason I described to them . There are some sub - plots that are playing into this as well . One , is the reality of something I 've found at this church : it 's a conglomeration of cliques ( other people have noticed this too ) . I don 't fit in . I rarely find my nitch in social situations . I 'm a little out there - " out of phase " is how my husband puts it . Granted , my co - workers in Christ have been nothing but kind to me . They have never said or done anything that would raise red flags nor am I singled out because of something ( my non - mom status , for instance ) . I see how they all huddle together to chit chat about their week , what 's going on in their lives , something their kids did , or just a prolonged " good morning . " I 'm not part of the group . It 's not their fault , it 's just calling a spade a spade . I 'll ask people how their week went : " Fine . " How was your vacation ? " Great ! " I refuse to force friendships . I had to do that in high school and college because of proximity to others : I had to be friends with someone because of school and how we " fit in " to certain social situations . Now that I 'm older , I 'm not playing those games to appease people anymore . I 'm going to have friends based on who they are at the core and someone I can walk in step with , not trying to match what they 're doing just because our juxtaposition says we should be friends . And then it hit me : do I want to be in a church where I 'm just on the outside ? My small group is awesome , we have real conversations and we laugh a lot . I 'm one of the youngest ones there , everyone else has kids in college or high school . And while they are awesome ladies , it would be weird for me to call them some night and ask if they want to grab a martini . The General is even more social isolated than I am . This bothers me , but it doesn 't bother him . Rewind to last Sunday , we checked out a new church that is basically a scaled down version of the church we currently attend . It was pretty awesome , although the format and the pastor were a bit out of sequence . I learned A TON of history that coincides with the Gospels and the sermon cut to the core of human nature : Are you covered in the dust of your rabbi ? i . e . Are you following Jesus so closely on the road of life that you are covered in His dust ? Whoa ! My current church has AMAZING sermons , which is part of why I like it so much . But it 's huge . Walking through the main vestibule on Sundays , I get " Anatevka " from Fiddler on the Roof stuck in my head : It makes me smile because it 's a paradox . I 'm alone in a crowd . All these faces and I have no idea who any of them are . And they don 't know me . I 'm not the " run of the mill Christian wife . " And I don 't think I 'll ever be . I miss the communion of fellowship at the church of my youth - everyone knew everyone . If we had 60 people on a Sunday and it wasn 't Christmas , that was HUGE ! Any new face that walked through the doors was greeted and people asked questions : What do you do ? Do you have kids ? What church have you been to ? Are you new to the area ? How can we help you fit in ? My church has a program for this … . but it 's not the same . They have 60 people show up for meetings . It 's mostly a number thing ; both are biblically sound churches . Posted on 23 May 2011 by The General 's Wife My friend Samantha and I were talking over upscale martinis the other night when I told her about something I have discovered about myself in the past couple of years : I pick up on vibes other people give out . I still say I am a poor judge of character , but I can sense the atmosphere of people when I 'm around them . I know how people view me and I can usually tell if they 're being sincere . It 's weird , I am not psychic , I cannot tell the future . Just the present . Most of the time I ignore it : sometimes I will meet someone and just not like them ; I will have no reasons to back up my dislike . And sometimes , their true colors are revealed ( a cheater , a fake , etc . ) It came to a culmination some years ago when I sensed something was going on between 2 people of my acquaintance . I saw them standing next to each other for a split second in time - they were standing much too close for 2 people who were married to other people . They 're having an affair , I thought . I had no tangible proof and I was by no means going to confront them , it was just a weird vibe . I let it go . Several months later , I find that my suspicions were confirmed . How … odd . Things like that happen and I wonder . Same thing happened with my friend 's girlfriend . I didn 't like her and I didn 't know why . She was kind , beautiful , and made my guy friend so happy . I figured I was just jealous because she seemed to have it all and I was single at the time and not happy about it . Soon after that , she left my guy friend for a co - worker in the meanest way possible . Meh . Some of it sounds like me , some of it no . I don 't have much practice with " sensing the presence of evil . " I 'm not sure if my definition is the same as what it says here . I dated Lys - no discernment there ! Maybe it 's because I was too immature to recognize it ? I feel I better relate to the youth quiz . I feel I do not have the gifts of poverty , wisdom , exhortation , or encouragement ; I do feel I have more of a giving , writing , discernment , hospitality persona . I was equally surprised to find that faith topped both lists . I never saw myself as someone who has rock solid faith , but the more I thought about it , my actions and thought patterns do reflect someone with that gift . Here is what they say about the spiritual gift of faith : I find all of this fascinating . When I was saved at 16 , I found my spiritual gift to be " service . " Now , 14 years later , I 've matured in Christ and as a person , I wonder if those gifts change as we change ? I am who I am at the core , but more fine - tuned now . I got a little jaded about this whole holiday and it really doesn 't mean that much to me ( well , except for my Mom ) . I sent her and my MIL a card - and we called them on Sunday . That was all well and good . The problem I had was at church . As I was walking ( I arrived way early ) to the class room , a child 's father saw me and said , " Happy mother 's day . " My face went completely blank . I 'm not a mom . How do I respond ? " Thank you " to be polite ? " Nope , sorry , I am reproductively inept , I have a better chance of winning the lottery than having children and oh yeah - I 've never bought a lottery ticket . But I practice a lot ! " no , that sounds way too … . disenchanted . So instead I said the 1st thing that popped into my head : " I have cats . " I was willing to let that go . Really , it rolled off my back and I kinda giggled about it . I got to my classroom and the lady from the previous service was still there , so I just stood nearby . She gave me the weirdest look , as I was off in outer space . " Well , are you going to pick up your child ? " she finally asks . I saw there were 3 stragglers left . " Oh , no , I 'm here for the door for the next service ! " I said quickly . " Oh , " she replied . And then I left to attend the service and made the mistake of going through the door where the parents leave . The gentleman at the door tried to give me a reminder note they give to all parents and almost started to say , " Happy mother 's day " when I said , " No thanks , I work here . " " Oh . " At this point I was a little bothered . I 've kinda sorta not really questioned myself lately on if not having children was a good decision . Could we have children ? Probably , with the help of modern day science , some prayer , and some luck . There 's the age thing ( The General is … . . old … . in terms of fatherhood ) , the money thing , the I have the next 10 years of European travel planned out thing , the simple fact that every man I 've been close to says I shouldn 't have children because I 'm … . well … . . crazy . Okay , so I can 't drive a car effectively , make something from a recipe card without it catching on fire or being otherwise inedible , navigate through a grocery store , or change a diaper - I more or less march to the beat of my own drum and find a hard time fitting in . Not to mention , I have the maternal instinct of a sea turtle ( take the kids to the beach ! ) . The life I am living now is more than I could have ever hoped for in my wildest dreams . I never expected to live in paradise , marry such a wonderfully awesome man , or be as content as this in the moment . It 's a catch 22 . Would I regret having kids when my husband seems miles away and I 'm running to and fro trying to be frugal , caught up in the stress of family life ? Would I regret not having kids and traveling , and just being a wandering spirit ? I don 't have the answers to these questions and as far as I 'm concerned , it 's up to the Lord . His will for me is all I desire . And if I meant to have children , HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN . A fellow non - mom at work and I discussed the craziness of mother 's day on women . She had the same problem at work : they were giving out flowers to moms . No flower for us . We likened it to being single on Valentine 's Day - it just sucks - you feel out of place and ostracized . Although I suggested that I should get a flower because I made someone a Mom ( my Mom - I 'm the 1st born ) . " You donated eggs ? " she asked . I cracked up . Heavens no . They were very kind and instead of trying to convert random people to their religion , it was simply a hand delivered invite to their Easter service . They mainly talked to The General who nodded and smiled and let her say her piece about how Christ died and was raised again by the Father . I was too busy wrangling a rather large weed to stop and make eye contact , but they were close enough for me to hear . 1 . Maybe I should attend a JW service to see what it 's all about , more from a curiosity prospective - I 'm non denomination Christian and that ain 't changing ! But it 's been awhile since I 've been in a situation where I 'm uncomfortable with the worship or completely out of my element . 2 . The Jehovah 's Witnesses should start hospitals , much like Catholics and other Protestants . They don 't believe in blood transfusions and I 'm not a blood banker by any means , so I could totally rock their lab as a director . Granted anyone non - JW with a trauma , childbirth , anemia , gastrointestinal bleed , or severely low blood pressure probably wouldn 't want to go there , but still I think it could be an interesting business venture . Next time they stop by my house I 'm ready . I 'm going to ask them to explain to me , in their own words , what 's so terrible about blood transfusions and how their religious views contrast with basic Christianity . Oh , I 'm sure I could look all this up on the internet , but I think it 'd be more interesting to hear it from them and dialogue about it . I 'm really bad at Christian apologetics , so I 'd listen more than I 'd talk . Posted on 21 February 2011 by The General 's Wife I was at church the other day manning the velvet rope into the 4 year old room when a problem arose : the ratio was off for volunteers to kids . Without much second thought I raised my hand and said I would skip the service and stay behind to assist - I am not teacher material . I 'm still a bit intimidated by the kids : I 'm used to adults , machines that don 't run properly , and angry people on the other end of the phone line : this is so out of my element , but I was up for the challenge ! Our Fearless Leader didn 't give me a chance to back out even when a few unexpected volunteers were wrangled in . " The sermon this morning is about volunteering , so don 't worry , you won 't miss too much , " she said with a smile . Awesome . Not merely just hearing the sermon , but doing it … . . nice . We had almost 30 kids - all about 4 - so all hands on deck were needed . I got into the room and it was surprisingly calm . The other volunteers jumped right in ; I was more like the shy kid who wasn 't quite sure what to do . I kept pushing play - dough on everyone who walked through the door and helped distract a kid who was not real excited about leaving Dad . " It 's only for an hour and I 'll be right back , " a mother said to her kid as she kissed them on the forehead and walked away . Mom was right : this is only for an hour . I can do this , I can do this . With my game face on , I started picking up the bits of play dough that fell on the ground and talking with the kids . Fearless Leader is awesome with the kids ( she 's a mom ) , she got down on their level was so funny : " Do you want to color ? How about legos ? You look like a lego guy . " I had to turn away to laugh . I think I dated a guy once who was a " lego kind of guy . " Everyone cleaned up and it was Bible Story time about how Jesus loves kids , kids in other parts of the world , and how they celebrate Jesus . It 's hard to get them all to sit still and not talk . Or fight . Or redo their hair . One kid took his shoe off and he was wearing Illini socks ( University of Illinois at Urbana - Champaign , Illinois represent ! ) . He was from Illinois , too . But in our conversation over tying shoes , I learned that Illinois was 7 hours away from North Carolina ( its actually 18 , I drove it ) and he was there with his cousins and there was snow . He wasn 't sure what town they were in . Classic . The snacks , the coloring , the music - it was pretty cool . I warmed up to the kids and they warmed up to me . One cute little girl came up to me to tell me that this boy burped and didn 't say " Excuse me . " Heehee . Ah , boys . I told her that 's how boys are sometimes … . . what do you say ? She was very serious about it . Our Fearless Leader had to remind me to break up some bickering boys - I don 't know what battles to fight ! I 'm so inept at times with kids . It was an experience , tho , and I did enjoy myself . I had to run to work right after , but my spirits were lifted and I had a big ' ol smile on my face . Posted on 8 November 2010 by The General 's Wife It 's been about a month , so I feel I should blog about my new endeavor : working the door at Sunday School in the 4 year old room . Oh , and did I mention a normal service has over 1 , 000 people ? Yeah . It 's crazy , but it makes me smile . I 've harped on kids for years . I don 't like them at work , I 've avoided churches where I would be expected to volunteer in the nursery , and at the age of 23 decided I would be barren . I still have not actually held a baby ( I will hold them when they are 13 months and up ) . So I thought 4 year olds would be a good choice . I 'm logical , you can reason with them to a degree ; none of this screaming neonate stuff . And they can go to the bathroom by themselves . Huge bonus . I scared a lot of people when I told them what I was doing - like my husband . My background check cleared - the Lord led me to it and wanted to do something at church - my kooky schedule doesn 't allow normal people hours to do stuff . And honestly , I was scared . What the hell am I doing ? I avoid elevators with children . My fallopian tubes tied themselves in knots on a flight from Dublin to Paris because of children . I am a loading dock / mixer board / arrange chairs / strike the set kind of girl . But the thing was , I 've done all that . I love it and I miss it , but it 's an experience I 've already enjoyed . I don 't ever want to be pigeon - holed . My motto in life is the same as Monty Python 's : And now for something completely different . I think a small part of it is the curiosity . Most of my friends are on Baby # 2 and they blog and status update and talk about their little ones . I haven 't been around children in 12 years . I used to be very active in VBS , working with autistic kids , and being a summer camp counselor ( summer of hell ) - but I got away from all that in college and beyond . Things change . I 'm like a bouncer in a way , but one Sunday I did sit in on a class as " crowd control . " 4 year olds are very weird . They say things that don 't make sense . They have the attention span of a HSN news clip . They will try to kiss you ( My response ? " I 'm married , please don 't kiss me . " ) I 'm so used to self - motivating adults , that this is a huge stretch for me . I have to tell you to pick up the puzzle you just threw on the floor ? Really ? C ' mon ! The cutest thing so far ? After the teacher reads a short Bible story , it 's snack time . The girls get up first to find a chair , sit , and then the boys follow . My face registered confusion as to why the genders split up as if on cue . " Would someone like to explain to The General 's Wife why the girls get to go 1st ? " asked the teacher . One little boy raised his hand and answered , " It 's because we 're learning to be gentlemen by letting the girls go 1st . " Melted my heart . How amazing is that ? Awwww . I have no idea where this is going to go . Is it my calling ? I don 't know . I 'll serve in this role until I feel the Lord tug me in another direction . It always astounds me at how the Lord will give me the energy to do the things He wants me to do . I should be slurring my speech from tiredness , but I have the energy to go run another 5k . Or at least be able to stay up til 0100 . It 's also that on our part , we have to accept Jesus . We have to want Him in our life . Just like not taking medicine to cure a disease - we have to take the medicine in order for it to work . It does no good to get the Rx and then let it sit in the cupboard ( as I often do ) , just as it doesn 't do any good to " accept Jesus " and do nothing with it or let Him change us for His kingdom . With that said , I think I am ( finally ) going to volunteer at church doing something I said I would NEVER do : work in the nursery . I 've seen pictures of babies and I know people who have had babies and I 've seen a few in my time from a distance , but never actually interacted with anything under the age of 5 . I 'd almost like toddlers better . I 've felt a tug towards that , I figure I 'll throw in my hat and see where it lands . After almost 5 years , despite my ridiculous schedule , I think it 's time I did something at church .
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bySadieRose © " So , what do you think I should do ? I mean , as nice as Aldo 's been , I can 't stay here forever and you 've got a place , and a life to go back to . . . " He lifted one shoulder in a little shrug . " I 've got enough money from the job I just did here to go back to San Francisco , but I don 't think that 's a good idea right now . I just haven 't thought about where to go next . " Rayne mirrored his pose almost unconsciously , running his thumb slowly back and forth over the back of Xavier 's hand as he studied the unprepossessing cream - painted ceiling as if looking for minute cracks . " I still have a place in London , " he said at last . " There 's room for a guest . . . if you fancied seeing London , I mean ? I 've got to go back up to Manchester and sort some stuff out there but it 's not far away . I 'll be coming and going . I 'll probably be under your feet all the time . But if you get sick of that , Dominic 's got a house in Holland Park , just around the corner . I 'm sure he 'd be up for showing you the sights when I 'm not about . If you wanted to , I mean ? " He glanced at Xavier anxiously now , aware that the younger man had been very quiet whilst he was rambling inanely on . Xavier realized that was a pretty monumental step for Rayne . The invite was a way they could be together , without necessarily being tied down . And it made Xavier a whole lot happier than , say , if he 'd told him to stay with PJ and he 'd visit , maybe . With a smile blossoming over his face he rolled hungrily onto Rayne , coming up on hands and knees above him and kissing him like he was all the air he needed to breathe . Nicolas lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling , hands resting peacefully on his flat stomach . He was not at peace though . His mind kept drifting to the adorable blond boy he had brought home just a couple of days ago and had to let go without even having tasted him . He could still smell the light scent of Xavier on the sheets , so faint a trace no human would have picked up on it . Nicolas could though , a warm clean scent , like almonds and sugar . . . and hot blood throbbing just beneath the surface . He moaned and closed his eyes . An image of Xavier half undressed under him came to mind . So sweet , and so hot and eager , he had not been sure which he wanted more , to fuck him or bite him . And then he saw the marks and he could not do either . The temptation had been keen , and still was or he would not be brooding over him now . Maybe Xavier was right , and the lover that had marked him was gone for good . He had seemed so lonely ; so desperate for intimacy ; wanting to share his warmth and his beautiful body with Nicolas , even when he knew what the vampire was and that he would want to bite and feed as they made love . That was why Nicolas kept thinking of him , he decided . That and those heartbreaking , clear blue eyes . . . and that very sexy little ass . The vampire abruptly opened his eyes and stood up . He had to stop this . Seeking that boy out was the very last thing he should do . It was asking for trouble . Xavier belonged to someone else , whether he thought so or not . Nicolas knew that he should forget meeting him . Definitely he should not be thinking of going to the building where Xavier had been working . He chided himself sternly even as he headed out the door . He just wanted to check if Xavier was all right . That was it . Maybe see if the boy had been correct , and the marks on his neck had faded . Nicolas returned to the photographer 's flat and settled unseen on an escarpment under one of the tall windows , the same one he had used to spy on Xavier before . Instinctively Nicolas knew Xavier was gone , the warm , familiar feel of hIronically enough they were arguing over Xavier . Even with the windows closed Nicolas had no trouble picking up their conversation . The older man was trying to talk his hot - headed companion into giving up on the idea of driving out to Vico and the other was just as animatedly insisting that he and Xavier only had a misunderstanding that would be worked out if he talked to him . " Leave it be Palo ! " Marco hissed . " I don 't know what happened between the two of you but I do know Xavier showed up here with bruises after being out with you . I told you before and I 'm telling you now , stay away from him ! " " It was nothing ! He just likes playing hard to get . And you are not my keeper Marco ! " The argument ended abruptly then and Palo stormed out . Nicolas had let the mortal live the other night because he generally had no taste for killing ; even when someone obviously deserved it , like the arrogantly handsome rapist . Now as he watched the good - looking , dark - haired man storm down the pavement he regretted letting him go . Xavier had obviously not told Marco the truth of what had happened , and now Palo was apparently going to seek him out , and Xavier had no warning . Nicolas knew he could simply make sure Palo never arrived , but if he killed Palo then he still would not know where Xavier had gone . Palo clearly did , given the speed and purpose of his exit . Making a snap decision Nicolas followed the mortal discreetly . Palo fumed verbally for most of the winding shoreline drive up to Vico Equense , but he managed to calm himself down sufficiently before approaching the gated driveway of Aldo 's villa . He could not remember all of what had happened the other night when he took Xavier out . He knew he had got drunk and got rough with the kid . He didn 't recall how he 'd ended up lying in a dirty alley with his pants undone . Palo had a vague impression of pressing Xavier up against the grimy bricks and of the blond struggling . He was certain it had just been a game though . Maybe he had fucked him , but he wasn 't even sure of that . What he was sure of was that he could not get the sexy blond model out of his head now . Aldo buzzed him through into the courtyard and he parked up . Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves he knocked on the door and gave the older man his best winning smile when it opened , apologising profusely for not calling first . Aldo Bocaccio leaned casually in the doorway in casually donned slacks and an open shirt , still impossibly good - looking for a guy of his age , letting Palo do most of the talking . The older man surveyed Palo with a twitch of the lips that fell just short of a smile . Aldo could not fault the lad 's enthusiasm but at the same time he was still trying to decide whether it would be better or not for Xav to see other men just now . A light had come back on behind his beautiful eyes since Rayne came back to Vico . And they had spent most of today down on the beach together . Even without Lord Warren 's gift for seeing auras he could tell that they had probably spent a good deal of that time snuggling up on the blanket , making love to one another like it was going out of fashion . " I think perhaps he 's kind of busy right now , Palo , " he said diplomatically . " What did he tell you ? Whatever it was , it was just a misunderstanding , " he protested , in a repeat of the argument he 'd had with Marco . " I just want a chance to straighten things out . Can I at least come in for a minute and talk to him ? " Aldo could see the wheels turning and that Palo was actually bloody - minded enough to considering sticking around until Xavier came out . He could only shake his head at that kind of determination . His inclination was to get Palo to leave , but he figured that maybe the only way he would get the message was if Xavier told him straight . So he invited Palo in to wait , which was humiliating enough in itself . Though the walls were not paper thin , there were few places within the villa where one could not hear the fierce , urgent cries and low , satisfied groans of ecstasy emanating from the room Xav shared with Rayne . Palo had a rather long and embarrassing wait , but Xavier eventually did come out of the bedroom , looking so happy and sated he floated more than walked into the kitchen where they had been waiting for him . Some of the pleading tone went out of Palo 's voice as he began to lose patience . " Why are you being so stubborn ? We got along good at Aldo 's party . . . " Xavier shook his head slightly . He had already had enough of this crap . " I really don 't give a fuck what you think , Palo ! But just so you got this real clear , I 'm not going to see you , I 'm not going to fuck you or your friends , and you 're an asshole ! " " Guess that apology meant a whole lot ! What now ? You gonna hit me again ? Go on , I dare you ! This time you don 't get a whole fuckin ' bar full of your buddies to back you up ! " Palo didn 't hit him , perhaps sensing even through his anger that this would not be a wise move here . He sensed that others had come into the room now and were observing the argument . Instead he grabbed Xavier by the upper arms , shaking him rapidly . " You are impossible ! You play games , teasing like you want me , than walk out on me in front of everyone ! " He hissed an ugly word in Italian and shoved Xavier vehemently . Rayne 's fangs automatically extended as he walked into the kitchen and observed the unexpected scene , and he moved towards the young model . He did not need to speak the language to understand what Palo just said to his mate . But Aldo was closer and their host did understand . His dark eyes narrowed as he seized hold of Palo 's shoulder , spinning him around so hard that he almost lost his balance . " I invited you into my house , as a guest , " Aldo said coldly , in English so that his other companions would know what was said . " It is not an invitation that will be extended again . You have abused my hospitality , Palo . You 're a nasty , evil , mother - fucking creep ! I am not a violent man , but trust me , you will pay for treating my friend like this . " Palo had far too much arrogant pride to feel chastened . He shrugged out of Aldo 's grip , although he did not do it easily . Still speaking in Italian he told Aldo his friend was worthless trash and he would make sure Xavier never worked with Marco DeCellio again . By this time Xavier had recovered and pushed himself away from the edge of the counter top he had been shoved against . He didn 't know what exactly what Palo said , but he 'd heard Marco 's name and he could guess . Bullies like that were all the same . " You 're a brainless fucktard , Palo ! " Xav said , but with a cooler temper than a few moments ago . " I kept my mouth shut , you moron , because you are so low on my radar that you don 't even rank with the shit I scrape off my shoes , but if you want to play stupid games I 'll be more than happy to tell everyone what a loser you are . Starting with Marco ! You think you will ever work for him again if I tell him what you did ? You think anyone will put your face in a magazine once it gets around that you 're a bully and a rapist ? " Aldo 's head turned sharply . He had opened his mouth to give Palo another piece of his mind but that little snippet was so unexpected that he had to look Xavier in the eye just to confirm that he had heard it right . And as he let go of Palo , Rayne Wylde laid into the younger Italian . He was a good half a head shorter than Palo but it didn 't deter him . Neither did he waste words . One minute Palo was standing there glaring at Xavier and the next he was on his back , blood pouring from his nose . Rayne licked his knuckles and stared down at him , pale eyes on fire . " You filthy Latin cunt ! Give me one good reason why I shouldn 't break your fucking neck ? " he snarled softly at the groaning youth . Xavier held Aldo 's concerned gaze for only a moment before he dropped his eyes . He shouldn 't have said anything . That look on Aldo 's face was exactly why he hadn 't said anything . He felt sick to his stomach now . " My nose ! Dio ! You broke my nose ! " Palo cried in a tone at least an octave higher than his usual voice and muffled by the hand he was holding over his face as the blood gushed between his fingers . " You think I 'm done there ? " Rayne huffed incredulously , kicking Palo 's legs apart to stand between them . " Clearly you 're not that smart , arsehole ! You 're still here . In my book that means you probably want some more , yeah ? Gagging for it , are you ? " He brought the heel of his foot down hard on Palo 's kneecap . The sickening crunch of bone and sinew was only just drowned out by the younger man 's scream of pain and shock . Rayne turned his head to look a silent question at Xavier then kicked him again in the back of the broken knee , making him shriek like a train whistle . Xavier didn 't say anything though , he wouldn 't even look up . That look of sorrow and shame on his lovely face was more than enough of an answer for Rayne . He pulled free and laid into Palo furiously again . Xav finally spoke up before he could do more damage . It wasn 't any pity for Palo that helped him find his voice , but a sense that he needed to protect Rayne . His vampire lover could kill Palo easily , accidentally even , and they did not need that kind of trouble . " Get up and get out ! " he snarled . " I 'm doing this for him , not you . I won 't give you another chance . " Palo had let go of his face to clutch his knee as he floundered on the tiled floor . There was no way he could get up , and even if he could he didn 't think he could drive like this but those thoughts were only a distant fog . The pain and the fear were much more real as he tried to crawl away . " He 's fuckin ' crazy ! " Palo yelled through hysterical sobs . His broken nose had produced an amazing amount of blood . It had run down his face and stained his shirt and smeared across the floor and wall where he had been struggling to rise . " Come on now , you 're in a mess , " the older man soothed as Aldo quietly muttered ; " Marco will hear about this , and he will not be the only one . You will not work in this country again , Palo . I might not make movies any more but I know people here . I can end your career tonight with a word in the right ear . " Xavier 's stomach was still turning and he could feel the bile trying to crawl up the back of his throat . He swallowed quickly , refusing to look at anyone or say anything . Palo was sputtering indignantly at Aldo 's words , but he was also trying to make his way toward the door . " It 's my word against his ! " he raged , impotently . " You 're the one that will pay for this ! " Palo threatened , puffing up again now that he 'd regained his feet , or at least one of them . " Not his word alone . " A voice with a soft , clear French accent interrupted his tirade . The unfamiliar voice drifted in through the open patio doors that looked out over the twilit terrace and all heads turned in that direction at once . A young man with dark , tousled chestnut hair and even darker eyes was standing almost hesitantly just outside the doorway in the glow of the security lights . Rayne hissed through his teeth , his fangs still extended and Dominic 's moss - green eyes widened , instantly recognising the newcomer as a vampire from his strange , colourless aura . Xavier , of course , already knew Nicolas well but the surprise of seeing him here on Aldo 's terrace left him lost for words . " I would be ' appy to tell the polizia about seeing you fight with Xavier , and push him down that alley , and what you did to him there . He did not want your attentions , Palo , and no one observing your actions and his would have believed otherwise , " the timid French vampire continued . He spoke calmly and appeared to be talking directly to Palo , but in reality he was extremely nervous and his eyes were actually fixed on Rayne Wylde . It was never good to come into another vampire 's territory , especially unannounced and uninvited , but he could not let this Italian cretin get away with maligning Xavier or hurting him again . Although the young man 's friends seemed to have the latter covered . Rayne stopped in his tracks , bristling like a little black tomcat at the shivers of recognition coming up through every pore as he glared at the strange vampire . A defensive snarl crackled through his extended fangs , even though the logic modules in his brain were telling him that the stranger was actually speaking up for Xavier . Somehow he had defended Xav from Palo before . Aldo put a hand on his shoulder and kept it there , a warm , human , steadying presence that calmed him and helped him to focus again . " Palo is just leaving , " Aldo said softly , but in a tone that even their protesting visitor did not seek to argue with . " My driver will take you to the hospital , Palo . Once they have checked you over I suggest that you think long and hard about what you 've done . If the police come here looking for any of us in retaliation for this afternoon , I will kill you myself . Do you understand ? " Even Palo was not so stupid he couldn 't see his defeat . His reputation would be in tatters if the accusations were made public . He left as quickly as he could manage , with his tail between his legs and no intention at all of drawing the police into things . Xavier did not look at him once and only lifted his head after Palo had gone . The tension in the room was still thick enough to cut into slices and all eyes now seemed to rest with varying degrees of curiosity or ( in Rayne 's case ) open hostility , on the young man still lingering just outside the doorway . bySadieRose © 2 comments / 10331 views / 4 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportPreviousNext5 Pages : 1234512345GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . Terms Of Services | Report A Problem | PrivacyUsername : Password : Forgot your password ? Security code : Change pictureYour current user avatar , all sizes : You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation . Select new user avatar : Upload and save
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Yes , you heard it here first ! We made it to 33 . I am so amazed and thankful . Hospital stay is now 9 days in . Blood pressure is down , boys are still happy . Dancer is now at 10th percentile . But my doc is satisfied that while he 's still growing and having good dopplers and CTGs , that he is better in than out . Now 34 weeks seems a real possibility . I 'm trying not to get my hopes up , I keep imagining we make it even further and keep the boys out of the special care nursery but I think it 's important not to get my hopes too high on that unlikely outcome . Hospital is weird . I love the midwives , they take amazing care of me . I have been having lots of lovely visits from friends and family . My room has a gorgeous view , and it 's nice having regular updates on the boys . That 's the good . The bad ? The food got old very quickly . I miss so much . Everyone else is cleaning my house ( okay , that good ! ) . And Earl and I only see each other for a few hours a day . That is the worst . Particularly because when I 'm a bit freaked out by slow heart rates or a doctor says things and I don 't know how to read it , I miss him ! I 'm used to this being a team thing and hospital is a lonely place . But I 'm so aware how lucky I am . My room mate was just diagnosed with pe at 28 weeks . I can 't even imagine it . I feel so bad . I 'm going well , feeling great , my boys are well , and I 'm surrounded by friends and family . I feel guilty that not everyone has such a good go with this . Thanks for all the well wishes . I 'm sorry I can 't comment on your blogs . I 'm so psyched about D baby B and Ready for my turns twins . I 'm praying for those of you finding it tough . I 'm getting used to being in the same room all the time , and being on what is functionally bed rest . It is a beautiful room , bright , with a lovely view out the window . Earl and I got permission for him to take outside in the wheel chair , which felt like the most amazing date . I am over hospital food . Mum and dad are in charge of bringing me some interesting dinner . My sister in law has already bought me some new maternity clothes and some bath products . We did a tour of the special care nursery . Such little babies . Made it all seem real . But everyone is so positive given their age , and so I am feeling better and better . This morning I was woken up by a beautiful sunrise . I thought " one more day , they made it one more day " . And I thought about what the Bible says , about God 's mercy being new every morning . On Wednesday morning we went in for our routine dopplers and CEG scan of the babies . I had actually been feeling really ordinary , including a little bit of blurred vision . I thought , better safe than sorry , and asked for a blood pressure test . It was the strangest thing . To go from the routine trip , to suddenly being put in a hospital room with no real information of when you would get out . And for all the worries about the boys to suddenly move to the background and it be me that might be the problem . Yesterday ( Thursday ) was a nightmare . Not only was I collecting Urine , having regular blood pressure tests , and seeing a million people , they kept doing CEGs that didn 't work . Not that the babies were in danger , they just kept moving or not moving at the right time , and they struggled to tell the difference between the two twins . I had 7 different " attempts " at CEGs ( CEGs are where they put little paddles on the belly to measure the heart rates . They can take 10 minutes but both mean they that it often takes 30 - 40 minutes ) . My last CEG was at 12 : 30 at night . I was so over being there , it didn 't seem like anything was wrong , and I just wanted to go home . Basically , both me and Dancer are ticking time bombs . Some time , most likely in the next week , one of us will be struggling to the point where they need to deliver . So , we have made it to 32 weeks , but it 's unlikely we will make it to 33 . I am incredibly overwhelmed . I don 't know how to think . I am so glad the boys are getting the care they need , and in some ways 32 is what we have always been aiming for . But it is still huge , huge to think about our boys being out 5 weeks before term , and spending their first months in NICU . Earl commented today , I 've done pregnancy pretty well . I 've had some stresses , but I 've been happy and healthy . But starting yesterday , on my birthday , I began to notice things . Hip pain . Aches that are present most of the time and not just the end of the day . Heart burn that came out of no where , not the heart ache kind but the fire in my throat . Belly just starting to feel too big . It 's funny , I will be having scans every two days , excluding weekends where the gap will be three days . I wondered about updating . Do I say on this blog . Do I text family members ? Maybe I 'll play it by ear . But so far so good . My first scan , on my birthday , and they looked great . And so I tick off another week . Because even if tomorrow 's scan show we need to do something , we 'll still make 32 weeks on Friday . 32 weeks . Every day counts . While we were away on holidays , my snoring got too bad for Earl and he ended up sleeping in the other room . And even after we got home , that first night ( just after we got alarmed by the doctors call ) , he went and slept on the couch . I was devastated . I have this weird thing about separate beds , like it 's a form of rejection . Anyway , on Saturday , after talking with the nice doctor , and hearing what we had to do for the boys , I realised I was going overboard . That a well rested Earl was good for the journey ahead , and I was being over dramatic . So I said to Earl , you do what you need . But last night we lasted the whole night in the same bed . I think now my cold is gone I 'm a little bearable again ! Our time away was so needed . We 've been very appreciative and lovey dovey since our return . It 's been a hectic , stressful , hormonal time , and it was nice to be reminded how much we love each others company . So , I had my second steroid injection today . It 's strange , I have read three different triplet blogs , so I 've always know about these precautionary measures . I think I had in my head a night in hospital ad an IV drip . A big scary deal . But it was so simple , just a needle . 3 years of IVF I guess these things don 't phase me . The nurse warned that I might get some high blood sugar readings as a side affect of the steroids . They have been Crazy high ! I 've put my insulin up for now , but am going to ask the diabetes nurse for advice . I 've been reading lots of forums on 32 week twin births . I know I could find it super tough to be separated form my boys if they go to NICU . Trying to be optimist but prepared " alert but not alarmed " our doctor put it . My dad talked with a friend who used to be a neonatal nurse , and was very relieved to hear the positive prognosis , particularly with the steroids . Well , the good news is my boys have rock star heart rates . The midwife wanted resting and active and they did us proud . Weirdest discovery , what I thought was BH kicking was actually Dancer head banging ! The humorous side of overlapping twins . Basically , she has warned us that our twins are unlikely to make it to term . She encouraged us to reset the mark in our minds , that if they make 34 weeks that is awesome . And every week we get is good for the boys . They are monitoring three times a week ( heart rate and dopplers ) so that if one gets distress or struggles , then there is plenty of time to get them out . She has given me the first dose of steroids , not because she thinks they are coming out tomorrow , but because it can only benefit them to have their lungs ready to go . Next dose is tomorrow . If you told me Thursday all this , I would have been devastated . But after all the stress of yesterday , I will take this . Of course I don 't want my boys in NICU , but if that is where they will be healthiest , then that is what I will prepare for . Earl asked about whether we might be told after a scan that they had to come out right away , the doc said unlikely . She said its more likely to be , in three days time we will book your C section . This also relieves me , it just sounds like we will have notice for anything that might happen . I am also optimistic . My boys are such great fighters . I believe they have a few good weeks of health ahead of them , before we need to think through alternatives . Well , we 've reached 31 weeks today . But it 's hard to celebrate . It has happened again . We had our scan on Wednesday and our technician assured us ( after we found out the doctors were all away ) that it was fine , that she wasn 't worried at all , that everything was good . Earl and I went straight from the hospital off to a two night getaway to the beach . We had some phone reception issues , but generally we could get messages , so I figured if the hospital needed to contact us they would . And so tonight , in the middle of bathing some girls we were baby - sitting , a doctor from the hospital called , wondering why we didn 't respond to any of her messages . It seemed she had left three messages on my phone , but for some unknown reason they didn 't come through . She had wanted me to come in to see the doctors this morning , but I had missed the message . She now wants us to come in tomorrow ( Saturday ) to some foetal monitoring and to talk to the doctor . She said the discrepancy between the boys had grown and they needed to monitor more . I said " the U / S tech said everything looked good " . She didn 't have any answers , except to say sometimes it takes a while for the radiologist to write their reports . She said they would confirm tomorrow , but I will probably need to come to the hospital three times a week to get the boys checked out . I don 't know how to feel . It 's obviously not a good sign . I wouldn 't say it 's a bad thing , obviously they are doing this so if something goes wrong they can pick it up and get these boys out as soon as needed . But there is nothing more overwhelming than being told from a scan that everything is fine to then be told from the same scan that everything is NOT fine . My poor Dancer . I keep reminding myself what Toni keeps saying in her comments , that he is a fighter . And again , this is not because his fluid or heart - rate or Dopplers are bad . They are all good . It 's because he is so small . Today could have been such an awesome day . After beautiful time away , we came home and Mum came round and we set up the change table , and moved the furniture to make way for the cot . We put more clothes away . Our house is getting ready , and I was so happy . What a difference a good nights sleep makes ! Despite the usual pee breaks , and a rather disturbing dream , I managed to sleep most of last night and it was lovely . Feeling so refreshed and ready for a day of cleaning and hospital bag packing . I 'm still not entirely sure what to pack , and Earl has my suitcase , so it 's actually going to be packing my laundry basket , but it 's a start ! The doctor from my last ranty post said it was worth having a bag packed just in case , and I think I 'm okay with that . Weight : 83 . 3 on the hospital scales . That suggests I 've put on 1 . 8 kg in two weeks . The dietician said anything from 0 . 60 to 0 . 9 a week was good for 2nd trimester . I assume it 's still good for 3rd ? Anyway , putting on a little bit more makes me hope that Dancer is doing his thing . We are really hoping he will make 1kg by tomorrows scan . Bump : I had my first " Wow , it 's huge " comment this week . It 's been fun watching the shape change depending on what the twins are doing . Dancer has a habit of sticking his back into my tummy so that it 's lop sided , while BH sticks his little bottom out the size . So cute . I am sadly getting to the point where my maternity Jeans belly bit doesn 't want to stay up but keeps slipping down . I wonder if I 'll have to buy some new stuff to get through the last month or so ? Movement : BH moves away , and has now been felt by Earl , Sister , Mum , Dad , and a friend . I feel bad , because another friend has been really hoping to feel movement , but he always seems to sleep when she is around ! Earl has felt Dancer once , and I 've seen him move from the outside a couple of times . Dancer is not as active , which still freaks me out at least once every two days , though there is always something . Is it position ? Is it size ? I don 't really know , but every time he gives a kick or moves around I throw a little party in my head . BH is still head down , and now I feel movement down there which just feels weird ! Sleep : Last night was heaven , which makes me think maybe my cold ( which is starting to go away , yay ! ) might be the main cause of my insomnia . We will have to see . I left my big maternity pillow at my parents , but maybe that 's a good thing , because my little throw pillow under my belly seems to be doing fine , and it 's less awkward for my frequent turning . It 's the end of Daylight saving here , so I 've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier too . Naps are so very necessary ! Mood : Still a bit edgy . Sometimes I feel fine but alot of the time I worry . I 'm actually looking forward to tomorrow 's scan , because I know Dancer was healthy last Thursday , and so all we really need to know is if he is growing . I 'm telling him to , not sure if it helps : ) Mobility : Am the biggest clumsy kluz the world has ever seen . Seriously , I drop everything ! Which is interesting when picking things up usually involves going down on all fours . I can still walk around quite well but I just get too tired . And every hypo I 've had seems to be linked to walking to much so I have to peg it back . Really missing big long walks , looking forward to picking that up again when the boys are on the outside : ) GD : Again , not to bad , though I did have a hypo on Sunday . Watched several cooking shows on the weekend and now have a hankering for a good Aussie Meat Pie . Might have to wait on that one : ) Food : Realised I 've slacked off on the veggies and fruit . Made a big salad yesterday , and bought some fruit ( oh , but I 'm so sad that the summer fruit is ending ! ) , so I think I 'm doing better in that regard . Still enjoying the milk and yoghurt . Snoring : Earl actually recorded my snoring on his ipad . It is very bad . He and my sister had a big discussion about it ( turns out I snored on my weekend away , didn 't know at the time ) . I really am as loud as he said . Oh well , he 's getting alot of fun out of teasing me about it so maybe that makes up for his sleep troubles ! Well , we have reached 30 weeks . I 've been hanging out for this time for so long . But the truth is , it 's been a really emotional weekend . Not necessarily bad , not necessarily good , just emotional . I 'm a little bit more nervous for my boys than I was , though it comes and it goes . But I should explain . Earl was instead catching a train and a bus to the airport , to fly to Sydney for 4 days . It is a kinda work trip , but with lots of lovely catch ups with our old Sydney friends . I know if I had gone it would have been too much , not just because its too far along for me to fly , but also because social things tire me out . But I was still sad to be missing out . I arrived at the hospital , and I didn 't see our doctor . Now just to explain , for the last two appointments I had also not seen my doctor , he had been on holidays . But the day before , waiting at emergency , I saw him walk past and heaved a sigh of relief because he was back , and with him back we could finally start talking about the next 8 weeks and what they might involve . He also knows our history , and I trust him . But when my name was called it was a new doctor . She was nice . But I didn 't know her . I didn 't trust her . And I was so disappointed she wasn 't our normal doctor I was already feeling a bit funny . She did the heart beats ( perfect ) and checked my blood pressure . She asked about the emergency stay and saw that everything was good . Then she looked at the last scan . I felt ill . It wasn 't that I definitely thought there was a problem . It 's just that every health professional I had seen in the last week and a half had not been worried about Dancer and suddenly this doctor who I didn 't know was worried and I didn 't know how to process this . She went on to say that it was clear that even if he was small , he was very healthy . She said that I could scan on Wednesday , and then if he hadn 't picked up , then we would move to more monitoring . I couldn 't read if she she was worried or not . I couldn 't BECAUSE I DIDN ' T KNOW HER . As I left the room she said " See you soon " and I wanted to yell back " I don 't want to see you soon , I want to see my doctor " . I knew when I went into this that as a public patient I wouldn 't always get my doctor , but with twins they do their best for you to see the same person . I 'm just scared that they are going to switch me over . I was a bit teary by the time I booked my next appointment , so I didn 't think to specifically ask for my normal Doc . But I 'm going to get my more assertive Earl to go through and ask on Wednesday before our scan . Anyway , I called Earl in tears . After he calmed down ( I always freak him out when I call in tears ) , he didn 't sound too worried , and it made me feel better . But I just kept saying , " I needed you there " I needed a second opinion , a comforting hand , someone to help me deal with the news . Over the phone just wasn 't enough . I started putting myself back together , and was about to get in the lift when Earl called me back . He was in a panic . He had brought his keys to the airport , when we needed them to get into the hall we hire for church . So he asked me to drive to the airport and pick them up . Thankfully , I had organised to spend the weekend with my parents . Dad came and picked me up after I got back from the airport . I talked to Dad about the appointment and felt better . I got home and Mum set me up on the couch with some lovely low GI snacks she had made especially . My parents live a little way out of town in a beautiful house on a lovely big block of land . The house just speak to me of holidays . It was just what I needed . Saturday was spent relaxing , eating , and sorting through baby clothes . My parents are so excited and none of us ever get tired of talking about the boys . And I began to calm down . I don 't know what will happen to my boys , whether they will need an early exit or if they will stay in . But as Dad said , all you really care about is what 's best for them . And we will make that call . Yes , if they come out early they might need special care . But isn 't that so much better than the alternative ? And afterall , we are thirty weeks . With a little special care they should be fine . Dancer also decided to have a very active Saturday / Sunday , which was just what I needed . He is no way as active as his brother ( and he is in a less conducive position for kicks ) , but he is moving . A healthy but little baby . That is what I keep telling myself . Well , I 'm thirty weeks today . I realised it at about 4am , when my insomnia was too frustrating and I got out my phone to play . Not the song and dance I was expecting . It has been a frustrating 24 hours . But it 's all little things , and 30 weeks is a big thing . I was having a great week . Maternity leave was both restful and productive . My sister got to feel her first kick . And Thursday was set aside for a little house cleaning and time with friends . Everything was fine . We had ultra sounds , heartbeat checks and a cervical exam to prove it . But we spent 8 hours in the hospital waiting . It was a busy day , with several serious emergencies , so we kept dropping down the list . After this , we came home with fifteen minutes until our dinner guest showed up . It was a lovely night , and a helpful excuse for take out , but I was so tired when she left . Around that time , I checked our regular doctors appointment , and realised it was late morning , so Earl would need to be at the airport for his work trip instead of the doctors . My first doctors appointment without him ! And last night Earl and I both felt sick , and so couldn 't sleep . It 's the first bad cold of the pregnancy . I don 't know if last night was because I 'm sick , or stressed , or if its just the new normal for this pregnancy , but sleep was not my friend . But regardless , we are at 30 weeks . 30 weeks people ! With both babies looking happy and content to stay . I just can 't believe it . I do my best not to have IF amnesia through everything . It 's difficult sometimes , particularly as I 'm just so excited about the boys . But it 's funny how when people make insensitive or naive comments I realise it 's just not possible to totally forget . Not that it 's the same . Comments that would have sent me home crying just feel me with frustration or exasperation . The sting is gone to a certain extent and I don 't ever want to forget or take that for granted . There are two relationships where this has been bubbling away . The first is a girl I 'm , for want of a better word , mentoring . She is young . Not just young in age but in outlook . She and her husband are telling everyone that she is going to study , then have a baby after this year . She has even hinted it on Facebook ! . Earl has already told them off for that one . She is fascinated by the twins , and keeps asking for advice . She is stressing about maternity clothes and people touching her not even existing bump . I keep waiting for the perfect " in " to talk about how unhelpful her attitude is , but it hasn 't come . But I need it to , because I 'm growing resentful . The second person ( or people ) are my brother in law and his wife . I 've talked about them before . Not quite as public and naive , but still planners who think they have it all figured out . There comments before the twins really hurt . There comments now , well , to be honest , maybe because I 've known my BIL for ten years and because I still see him as a little teenager , sometimes I just feel like he 's just a little kid who makes me laugh with his naivety . They are going overseas for a wedding . It 's in May , so I hope they 'll be back for the boys arrival . SIL talked about how it 's probably their last chance for a spontaneous trip before kids . This irked me a little , but not too much . Then BIL got excited . See , he works for schools and so has more time off than his wife . He said to her , when your home with a baby , we can go on holiday adventures every school holidays . This is naive on about five levels - but of course , the possibility of IF was at the front of my mind , as I reflected on how often I had thought that when I was working and Earl was a student . I don 't want to be ungracious . After all , it was a very naive LG who started this journey . But now i see the world through IF glasses . And sometimes I wish I could just say what I think to them all . " You think IF wont happen to you ? It happened to me . Why do you assume you get a smooth road ? " Hi , I am Lady Grey ! Welcome to my secret world . Those who know me in the real world see a happy confident wife , who loves God and life . This is place where I can talk about the hard realities that I face . Me and my wonderful husband Earl have been trying for nearly years , doing IVF for three . And in Dec ' 10 we lost our beautiful little baby " Thumper " at 9 weeks of pregnancy . We are now miraculous pregnant with Twin boys Jan 2007 - Start TTCJuly 2007 - GP confirms with test that I can ovulateAug 2007 - GP confirms that Earl 's sperm is goodApril 2008 - Fertility specialist runs testsJune 2008 - LG Diagnosed with PCOS , start ClomidSept 2008 - LG diagosed with Pre - Diabetes . Starts on MetaforminJune 2008 - March 2009 - LG loses 14 Kg to help her chances of conceivingMarch 2009 - Start IVF processApril 2009 - Stimulated Cycle # 1 produces 3 eggs . Two fertilise . One transferedMay 2009 BFNJuly 2009 FET - BFNAug 2009 Stimulated IVF cycle # 2 produces 5 eggs . Two fertiliseSept 2009 - Biochemical PregnancyNov 2009 - FET BFNFeb 2010 - Stimulated Cycle , 10 eggs , six fertilised , 4 survive . Fresh transfer cancelled due to risk of OHSApril 2010 - FET BFNMay 2010 - FET ( one embie doesn 't survive defrosting process ) BFN ( start on Clexane for all transfers ) July 2010 - FET Positive test but low Beta . Beta picks up for a week but then heavy bleeding . Beta still up . Several weeks of tests and concern over potential ectopic , before more bleeding and misscarriage diagnosisAug 2010 - More tests . No more medical issues diagnosed . Oct 2010 - Stimulated Cycle , 7 eggs , 4 fertilised and survive . TransferNov 2010 - BFP . First Ultra Sound is very small , but heart beat . Second Ultra Sound is good . We nickname baby ThumperDec 2010 - Slight bleeding , Ultra Sound shows Thumpers heart has stopped beating . Jan 2011 - MiscarryApril 2011 - FET , BFNMay 2011 - FET , BFNAug 2011 - FET , Small Skinny Positive , but Period and BFN on the second test . Oct 2011 - Stim cycle . One embryo . Period / BFNFeb 2011 - Endemetrium biopsy . All looking good . March 2012 - stim cycle . Three embryos . Two transfered . Period / BFN . March 2012 - begin preliminary research into Embryo donationMay 2012 - FET using a slight stim cycle to get lining right . Period / BFNJuly 2012 - Stimulated cycle . 38 eggs ! 18 fertilised and made it to day 2 ! 9 frozen at day 2 , the rest grown out to day 5 . One transfered , two frozen as blastocysts . Two days later period comes - doctor explained that because of so many eggs , my body picked up on a hormone drop and reFollowers Every so often I will reread my last post and laugh a little . And feel a little sad . When I wrote that post Sebbie was waking up every thr . . . I am horrible at updating , aren 't I ? It 's been a pretty hectic two months with lots going on with trying . Our first transfer hap . . . You know I 've been totally procrastinating blogging . Not just that I haven 't had time , though life has been busy . But I 've sa . . .
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Synopsis : Mia Blake wasn 't the first girl to be taken by the vampires . She is kidnapped and held prisoner by Caleb , the world 's oldest and most powerful vampire . Turned against her will , Mia must find a way to free herself from Caleb 's grip and get back to those she loves . But defeating the world 's most powerful vampire isn 't going to be easy … " You broke my nose , " I said accusingly , narrowing my eyes . He raised his eyebrows , coming closer , peering at my nose . " I could punch you again , straighten it up ? " I stared incredulously at this teetering Jekyll and Hyde who wanted to punch me and get me a blankie in the same conversation . " I need to get home , " I said slowly , as if I were speaking to a moron . " I have my geometry final in two days . " I nodded , still choking . He released his grip and I fell to my knees , holding my throat with both hands . He waited , staring at me blankly , as I found the air to speak . " Well then you 're pretty stupid , " I shot . " Letting me see your face . Your license plate . Your tattoo . " I pointed to the black , luminous symbol etched onto his wrist that looked like a pair of eagle 's wings . Once upon a time , I was just a girl . My name was Mia . I lived a long way away from here . I had a mother and a best friend and a boyfriend I was pretty sure I had fallen completely in love with . I lived most of the time in my dorm room at my high school , because despite any other excuse , I didn 't like to be alone . I wasn 't the first girl that was taken . Sure , I had heard all about the girls who were missing , and even though they were only ' missing ' I knew in my heart that those girls were dead . And my heart scrunched up in agony for them , for their families , just for a moment . Until the thought was replaced by something else , something different , because I couldn 't bear to think about those poor dead girls any longer . I felt sad for them . But more than that , I felt glad that they had been strangers - not someone I knew , and certainly not me . Things like that didn 't happen to girls like me . They always happened to someone else , and that 's why I barely blinked as I made my way across an empty football field , through a snow - laden parking lot , to meet a fate I had arrogantly assumed was reserved for other people . I opened my eyes . Naked save for a bloodied white sheet , my tender skin covered in sticky red blood . My broken body somehow - impossibly - repairing itself . I tried to turn my head to the side , to see where I was , and groaned in pain . Staying still felt better . I was sticky and bruised . My body was fighting hard to mend all the deep gashes and crushed bones . I lifted an arm and gently felt my eye where I had taken the impact of the unforgiving ground . It was excruciatingly painful to the touch - but it wasn 't shattered anymore . It was in one unbroken piece , as if my fall had been a terrible dream . The oddly comforting metallic taste in my mouth told me otherwise , though . It was so hard to keep my eyes open , but I fought to stay awake . I wasn 't dead . I still had something left inside of me . I couldn 't give up yet . He let go of my shoulder and spoke in a softer voice . " I know this is hard for you . There are things happening right now that you can 't even begin to understand . Just remember this : You 're not dead . It was close - you were almost dead . You can see them again , " he gestured to the photo strip in my hand , " but first I need to make sure you 're safe . The people who were after you in Mexico still want you back . " I took a deep breath and looked around my new cage . It sure was pretty , but it was still essentially a cage . The only things missing were a length of chain hanging from the ceiling and a dead girl in the corner . Sam stood in the doorway that led from the bedroom to the bathroom , but I could tell he didn 't want to come any closer . I had the distinct feeling it was because I was a girl , and that made me wonder . Ryan didn 't care about my personal space . I was surprised he cared for me at all , after the things he 'd said and done back in Mexico . " Since I was Turned , " I corrected him . " You 're implying that I did this to myself . Quite the opposite . I expressly asked that this not be done . " As I heard myself talking , I realized that I sounded like an entitled little bitch , but I was beyond caring . Sam blinked . " Right . How long since you were Turned ? " " I don 't know , " I answered quietly . " A few days ? Less than a week . I don 't remember a lot of it . " " Well , the good news is you 're not going insane , " Sam said , obviously trying to lighten the mood . " Vampirity is caused by a virus . It attaches itself to your DNA , makes its way into every cell in your body , and takes over . Vampires can heal from a wound in a matter of minutes . Have you attacked anyone yet ? " He stared at me like I was a freak . I shifted uncomfortably under the weight of his eyes . " Like being a homicidal maniac , " he said , " with zero impulse control . " Jessica Roscoe is the author of Wombstone , a Young Adult paranormal novel . From a young age , she delighted in the written word and would often scare her poor parents with outlandish stories filled with the supernatural and macabre . Jessica studied film and screenwriting at university before deciding that novels were her calling . The setting for Wombstone was inspired by a six - month stint in the U . S . where she worked as a lifeguard at a summer camp in Mt Freedom , New Jersey . She is currently working on the next book in the Vampireland series . Her other loves in life include good quality tea , delicious wine , reading and hanging out with her husband and baby girl . Daelyn Torres is determined to break free from her over - protective brother . Born a demon , she knows little of the world outside her home and work . A chance blind date promises adventure and perhaps a walk on the wild side . But her night on the town takes a deadly turn when she is gravely injured and left to die . A handsome , mysterious stranger comes to her rescue and brings with him a passion she has never experienced . A dark guardian sent to investigate a series of missing person cases , vampire Ky Robinson is ready for anything , except the insatiable desire that engulfs him when he meets Daelyn . He senses their destiny is intertwined and vows to do everything in his power to keep her safe . The only problem : demons and vampires go together like fire and ice . He ghosted behind the couple . Following them on silent feet , staying deep in the shadows of the buildings . Ky noted the way the woman walked as they made their way along the sidewalk . Her legs appeared unsteady , most of her weight supported by the male 's arm around her waist , which seemed strange because she had not consumed all that much alcohol at the bar . Only two glasses of wine , by his count . The agent heard her speaking throughout the night and she had annunciated clearly . Yet now she seemed unsteady , and her words slurred as they left her lips . She stumbled . Catching on a bit of raised sidewalk , her shoe flew off behind her in Ky 's direction . She turned and looked over her shoulder . When her eyes met his , Ky 's heart hitched in his chest , time froze . The bronzed skin of her heart - shaped face appeared flawless . Long dark haired flowed around her shoulders with the turn of her head . Her chocolate eyes captured his , holding his gaze . The fall of her lashes broke the spell , creating dark crescents on her delicate cheekbones . Her petite nose led to full , pouty lips that sent a surge of desire through his body . His sure strides faltered under the weight of her beauty . She was a goddess . Ky Robinson : Ky is a powerfully built vampire , with warrior 's body that could have been sculpted by God himself . A handsome male , his face is full but not heavy , with no deep hollows or uncompromising angles , but instead soft lines that blend naturally to form his features . His ice - blue eyes can penetrate a person 's very soul . He works for a covert agency - his duty , to police his kind . His is a solitary life , one spent on stake - outs and lurking in the shadows . He takes his job seriously , putting honor and duty before all else . Until one night when the Fates intervene and send a sexy demon into his life . Lyn is a sultry demon , with bronzed skin and a pretty heart - shaped face that boosts dark chocolate eyes and a petite nose . Like a Mayan goddess , her full , lush lips and perfect body bring most men to their knees . But it is her feisty personality that wins men 's hearts . Excerpt : Humans had no idea Dream Weavers used what they called mirrors as portals . The reflective glass was a perfect cover to hide what lay within . Looking from the human world , people only saw reflections of themselves and their surroundings . But from the other side the vortex was an entryway from the Dream Weaver world . A threshold he used to enter or see into the human dimension . This night Zane opted to use it as a window , remaining in his dimension as his eyes scanned the room . He needed to be sure not to alert the Dream Stalker . The negative emotions from the human 's dream came through the portal , making him feel uncomfortable . They coated his energy , wrapped around him like tentacles . He 'd never experienced such strong emotions . They weighed heavily upon his energy , surrounding him . Enticing him . But he pulled back , grateful for once that the only way he could absorb the strong emotions would be to push through into the human dimension and take human form . His gaze swept the modest bathroom . The walls were painted apartment white , blue towels hung from a bar across from the mirror . He looked down on a utilitarian sink and white counter top . Zane was just about to push through the portal and take his corporeal form when movement from the corner of the room caught his eye . He froze , waiting . Before him appeared a human form wrapped in a white towel . The person stood facing away from the mirror , but Zane knew two things . One , there was no doubt this was a woman . The way the towel hugged her slight curves , conforming to her toned body told him that . And two , this was not one of his kind . He 'd have sensed another Dream Weaver immediately which meant she had to be human . Born in Virginia , Brenda Sparks now resides in the Sunshine State with her loving husband and son . Balancing her professional commitment to the local school district with her writing is challenging at times , but writing suspenseful paranormal romances is a passion that won 't be denied . Her idea of a perfect day is one spent in front of a computer with a hot cup of coffee , her fingers flying over the keys to send her characters off on their latest adventure . Brenda loves to connect with readers . Please visit her online or stop by her website to say hi . www . brenda - sparks . com Synopsis Janelle hasn 't been home in ten years . All of a sudden , she has to deal with her mothers death , her broken relationship with her sister , and some sexy stranger following her . She doesn 't know whether to be scared , or excited . Damien needs to restore his families honor . He needs to use Janelle to do it , there 's one problem . There 's someone standing in the way . He 's vowed that no one will stand in the way or getting what 's his . Together they must save what 's left of both their families , and along the way , deal with what 's going on between them . Join them on the beginning of their journey , under the Mohawk Moon . Review Romance ! Needless to say , is my favorite genre . Mohawk Moon didn 't disappoint ! I was instantly pulled in by the astonishing cover and swoon - worthy blurb , but the romance between Damien and Janelle was what keep me reading , it was un - put - down - able ! Witty and depressing at the same time , I fell instantly in love with the brooding Damien , who wouldn 't ? I thought the author was creative enough to create such realistic characters , and it was an intense emotional roller coaster for me , especially the sibling relationship Janelle shared with her sister , it was almost relatable . Yet , there was a major lacking point , the flow of the story was not as smooth as I thought , and at times I wish the story would be elaborated more . All in all , I rated it a 4 because of the creativity and originality ! Praises to N . Kuhn ! ! Links Amazon : http : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B008HHCZTC / ref = as _ li _ ss _ tl ? ie = UTF8 & camp = 1789 & creative = 390957 & creativeASIN = B008HHCZTC & linkCode = as2 & tag = receread0b - 20 Author 's Bio The N in N . Kuhn is actually Nicole . She was born and raised in western New York . She grew up with a love of books , and a passion for writing . She was always found with her nose in a book . She finally decided to take the steps to embark into self publishing at the urging of her Grandmother . Mrs . Kuhn has dedicated her second book to Janet Starr , as she passed just days after being published . Nicole survives on coffee alone . Mostly Tim Hortons . ( It 's a NY thing . ) A fan of drinking it from the time she gets up , until she finally rests . When not writing , she crochets and spends time with her beautiful daughter and her husband . Her friends call her Octo - Mom because she multi - tasks so well . Between her full time job , family , crochet and writing , it 's a wonder she ever sleeps . Mrs . Kuhn feels that reading in our youth is a very important trait to instill . She reads with her young daughter as much as she can . " It 's the most important thing a parent can ever do with a child . Read , teach them to read . Don 't buy them toys , buy them books , " She says . Posted by , Twenty years ago the Commander came into power and murdered all who opposed him . In his warped mind , the seven deadly sins were the downfall of society . He created the Hole where sinners are branded according to their sins and might survive a few years . At best . Now LUST wraps around my neck like blue fingers strangling me . I 've been accused of a crime I didn 't commit and now the Hole is my new home . Darkness . Death . Violence . Pain . Now every day is a fight for survival . But I won 't die . I won 't let them win . The Hole can 't keep me . The Hole can 't break me . I am more than my brand . I 'm a fighter . My name is Lexi Hamilton , and this is my story . I 'm buried six feet under , and no one hears my screams . The rope chafes as I loop it around my neck . I pull down on it , making sure the knot is secure . It seems sturdy enough . My legs shake . My heart beats heavy in my throat . Sweat pours down my back . Death and I glare at each other through my tears . I take one last look at the crystal chandelier , the foyer outlined with mirrors , and the flawless decorations . No photographs adorn the walls . No happy memories here . I 'm ready to go . On the count of three . I inhale , preparing myself for the finality of it all . Dropping my hands , a glimmer catches my eye . It 's my ring , the last precious gift my father gave me . I twist it around to read the inscription . Picturing his face forces me to reconsider my choice . He 'd be heartbroken if he could see me now . A door slams in the hallway , almost causing me to lose my balance . My thoughts already muddled , I stand , waiting with the rope around my neck . Voices I don 't recognize creep through the walls . Curiosity overshadows my current thoughts . It 's late at night , and this is a secure building in High Society . No one disturbs the peace here - ever . I tug on the noose and pull it back over my head . Peering through the eyehole in our doorway , I see a large group of armed guards banging on my neighbors ' door . A heated conversation ensues , and my neighbors point toward my family 's home . It hits me . I 've been accused and they 're here to arrest me . My father would want me to run , and in that split second , I decide to listen to his voice within me . Flinging myself forward in fear , I scramble up the marble staircase and into my brother 's old bedroom . The door is partially covered , but it exists . Pushing his dresser aside , my fingers claw at the opening . Breathing hard , I lodge myself against it . Nothing . I step back and kick it with all my strength . The wood splinters open , and my foot gets caught . I wrench it backward , scraping my calf , but adrenaline pushes me forward . The voices at the front door shout my name . On hands and knees , I squeeze through the jagged opening . My brother left through this passage , and now it 's my escape too . Cobwebs entangle my face , hands , and hair . At the end , I feel for the knob , twisting it clockwise . It swings open , creaking from disuse . I sprint into the hallway and smash through the large fire escape doors at the end . A burst of cool air strikes me in the face as I jump down the ladder . Reaching the fifth floor , I knock on a friend 's window . The lights flicker on , and I see the curtains move , but no one answers . I bang on the window harder . " Let me in ! Please ! " I say , but the lights darken . They know I 've been accused and refuse to help me . Fear and adrenaline rush through my veins as I keep running , knocking on more windows along the way . No one has mercy . They all know what happens to sinners . Another flight of stairs passes in a blur when I hear the guards ' heavy footfalls from above . I can 't hide , but I don 't want to go without trying . Help me , Daddy . I need your strength now . My previous desolation evolves into a will to survive . I have to keep running , but I tremble and gasp for air . I steel my nerves and force my body to keep moving . In a matter of minutes , my legs cramp and my chest burns . I plunge to the ground , scraping my knee and elbow . A moan escapes from my chest . Gotta keep going . " Stop ! " Their voices bounce off the buildings . " Lexi Hamilton , surrender yourself , " they command . They 're gaining on me . I resist the urge to glance back , running into what I assume is an alley . I 'm far from our high - rise in High Society as I plunge into a poorer section of the city where the streets all look the same and the darkness prevents me from recognizing anything . I 'm lost . My first instinct is to leap into a dumpster , but I retain enough sense to stay still . I crouch and peek around it , watching them dash by . The abhorrent smell soon leaves me vomiting until nothing remains in my stomach . Desperation overtakes me , as I know my retching was anything but silent . My last few seconds tick away before they find me . Everyone knows about their special means of tracking sinners . I push myself to my feet and look left , right , and left again . Their batons click against their black , leather belts , and their boots stomp the cement on both sides of me . I shrink into myself . Their heavy steps mock my fear , growing closer and closer until I know I 'm trapped . Never did I imagine they 'd come for me . Never did I imagine all those nights I heard them dragging someone else away that I 'd join them . " You 're a sinner , " they say . " Time to leave our society . " I stand defiant . I refuse to bend or break before them even as I shiver with fear . " There 's no reason to make this difficult . The more you cooperate , the smoother this will be for everyone , " a guard says . I cringe into the blackness along the wall . I 'm innocent , but they won 't believe me or care . The next instant , my face slams into the pavement as one guard plants a knee in my back and another handcuffs me . A warm liquid trails into my mouth . Blood . Their fingers grip my arms like steel traps as they peel me off the cement . The tops of my shoes scrape along the ground as I 'm dragged behind them until they discard me into the back of a black vehicle . The doors slam in unison with one guard stationed on each side of me , my shoulders digging into their arms . The handcuffs dig into my wrists , so I clasp them together hard behind me and press my back into the seat , unwilling to admit how much it hurts . My dignity is all I have left . I 'm not carrying any weapons , nor do I own any . I don 't even know self - defense . High Society frowns on activities like that . The driver jerks the vehicle around and I try to keep my bearings , but it 's dark and the scenery changes too fast . Hours pass and the air grows warmer , more humid , the farther we drive . The landscape mutates from city to rolling hills . They don 't bother blindfolding me because they escort all the sinners to the same place - the Hole . Twenty - foot cement walls encase the chaos within . There 's no way out and no way in unless they transport you . They say the Hole is a prison with no rules . We learned about it last year in twelfth grade . To the outside , I 'm filth now . I 'll never be allowed to return to the life I knew . No one ever does . " All sinners go through a transformation , " one of the guards says to me . His smirk infuriates me . " I 'm sure you 've heard all kinds of stories . " I don 't respond . I don 't want to think about the things I 've been told . " You won 't last too long , though . Young girls like you get eaten alive . " He pulls a strand of my hair up to his face . Get your hands off me , you pig . I want to lash out , but resist . The punishment for disobeying authority is severe , and I 'm not positioned to defy him . They 're the Guards of the Commander . They 're chosen from a young age and trained in combat . They keep the order of society by using violent methods of intimidation . No one befriends a guard . Relationships with them are forbidden inside the Hole . Few have seen the commander . His identity stays under lock and key . His own paranoia and desire to stay pure drove him to live this way . He controls our depraved society and believes sinners make the human race unforgivable . His power is a crushing fist , rendering all beneath him helpless . So much so , even family members turn on each other when an accusation surfaces . Just an accusation . No trial , no evidence , nothing but an accusation . I lose myself in thoughts of my father . " Never show fear , Lexi , " my father said to me before he was taken . " They 'll use it against you . " His compassionate eyes filled with warning as he commanded me to be strong . That was many years ago , but I remember it clearly . My father . My rock . The one person in my life who provided unconditional love . The vehicle stops , and I 'm jerked back to reality . " Get out , " the guard orders while pulling me to my feet . The doors slide open and the two guards lift me up and out into the night . A windowless cement building looms in front of us , looking barren in the darkness . The coolness of the air sends a shiver up my spine . This is really happening . I 've been labeled a sinner . My lip starts to quiver , but I bite it before anyone sees . They shove me in line and I realize I 'm not alone . Women and men stand with faces frozen white in fear . A guard grabs my finger , pricks it , and dabs my blood on a tiny microchip . I follow the man in front of me into the next room where we 're lined up facing the wall . Glancing right , I see one of the men crying . " Spread your legs , " one of the guards says . They remove my outer layers and their hands roam up and down my body . What do they think I could possibly be hiding ? I press my head into the wall , trying to block out what they 're doing to me . " MOVE ! " a guard commands . So I shuffle across the room , trying to cover up . Five of us sit in the holding room . One by one , they pull people into the next room , forcing the rest of us to wonder what torture we 'll endure . An agonizing amount of time passes . I lean my head back and try to imagine a place far away . The door opens . " Lexi Hamilton . " A guard escorts me out of the room , and I don 't have time to look back . As soon as the door closes , they pick me up and place me on a table . It 's cold and my skin sticks to it slightly , like wet fingers on an ice cube . Then , they exit in procession , and I lie on the table with a doctor standing over me . His hands are busy as he speaks . " Don 't move . This will only take a few minutes . It 's time for you to be branded . " A wet cloth that smells like rubbing alcohol is used to clean my skin . Then he places a metal collar around my neck . Click . Click . Click . The collar locks into place , and I struggle to breathe . The doctor loosens it some as I focus on the painted black words above me . The Seven Deadly Sins : " Memorize it . Might keep you alive longer if you know who to stay away from . " He opens my mouth , placing a bit inside . " Bite this . " Within seconds , the collar heats from hot to scorching . The smell of flesh sizzling makes my head spin . I bite down so hard a tooth cracks . " GRRRRRRRRR , " escapes from deep within my chest . Just when I 'm about to pass out , the temperature drops , and the doctor loosens the collar . He removes it and sits me up . Excruciating pain rips through me and I 'm on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown . Focus . Don 't pass out . Stainless steel counters and boring white walls press in on me . A guard laughs at me from an observation room above and yells , " Blue . It 's a great color for a pretty young thing like yourself . " His eyes dance with suggestion . The others meander around like it 's business as usual . I finally find my voice and turn to the doctor . " Are you going to give me clothes ? " A burning pain spreads like fire from my neck to my jaw , making me wince . He points to a set of folded grey scrubs on a chair . I cover myself as much as I can and scurry sideways . Grabbing my new clothes , I pull the shirt over my head and try to avoid the raw meat around my throat . I quickly knot the cord of my pants around my waist and slide my feet into the hospital - issue slippers as the doctor observes . He hands me a bag labeled with my name . " Nothing is allowed through the door but what we 've given you , " he says . I hide my right hand behind me , hoping no one notices . A guard scans my body and opens his hand . " Give it to me , " he says . " Don 't make me rip off your finger . " He crouches down and I turn to stone . I don 't know what to do , so I beg . " My father gave this to me . Please , let me keep it . " I smash my eyes shut and think of the moment my father handed the golden ring to me . " It was my mother 's ring , " he 'd said . " She 's the strongest woman I ever knew . " With tears in his eyes , he reached for my hand . " Lexi , you 're exactly like her . She 'd want you to wear this . No matter how this world changes , you can survive . " I turned the gold band over in my palm and read the engraving . " You 're going to take the one thing that matters the most to me ? " I say , glaring into the guard 's emotionless eyes . " Isn 't it enough taking my life , dignity , and respect ? " A hard blow falls upon my back . As I fall , my hands shoot out to stop me from smashing into the wall in front of me . The guard bends down and grabs my chin with his meaty fist . " Look at me , " he commands . I look up and he smiles with arrogance . " What the hell ? " He staggers a step backward . " What 's wrong with you ? What 's wrong with your eyes ? " " Nothing , " I respond , confused . " Interesting , " he says , regaining his composure . " Now those 'll get you in trouble . " Reality slaps me across the face . I have my father 's eyes . They can 't take them from me . I twist the ring off my finger and drop it in his hand . " Take the damn ring , " I say . I walk to the door . He swipes a card and the massive door slides open to the outside . " You have to wear your hair back at all times , so everyone knows what you are . " He hands me a tie , so I pull my frizzy hair away from my face and secure it into a ponytail . My neck burns and itches as my hand traces the scabs that have already begun to form . Squinting ahead into the darkness , I almost run into a guard standing on the sidewalk . " Watch where you 're going , " he says , shoving me backward . His stiff figure stands tall and I cringe at the sharpness of his voice . " Cole , this is your new assignment , Lexi Hamilton . See to it she feels welcome in her new home . " The guard departs with a salute . " Let 's move , " Cole says . I take two steps and collapse , my knees giving out . The unforgiving pavement reopens the scrapes from earlier and I struggle to stand . A powerful arm snatches me up , and I see his face for the first time . Abi Ketner Is a registered nurse with a passion for novels , the beaches of St . John , and her Philadelphia Phillies . A talented singer , Abi loves to go running and spend lots of time with her family . She currently resides in Lancaster , Pennsylvania with her husband , triplet daughters and two very spoiled dogs . Melissa Kalicicki received her bachelor 's degree from Millersville University in 2003 . She married , had two boys and currently lives in Lancaster , Pennsylvania . Aside from reading and writing , her interests include running and mixed martial arts . She also remains an avid Cleveland sports fan . Abi and Missy met in the summer of 1999 at college orientation and have been best friends ever since . After college , they added jobs , husbands and kids to their lives , but they still found time for their friendship . Instead of hanging out on weekends , they went to dinner once a month and reviewed books . What started out as an enjoyable hobby has now become an incredible adventure . Avid reader , daydreamer and stalker of anything romance ! I have a long list of fictional boyfriends , love photographing books and being buried underneath my TBR pile . While I 'm not fangirling over my latest conquest , you can stalk me on Pinterest where I spent way too much time saving " motivational quotes " . Send me a PM ! I love receiving messages ! ♥
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Yesterday , Roberta Henry of La Paz , Mexico wrote about an unusual charitable event . She was requested to donate a painting to be included in a raffle . Ten " high - end " items were to be raffled , and then a further draw from the ten winning tickets . Winners wouldn 't necessarily get the prize they really wanted . " My non - artist friends see no problem with this , " she wrote . " One pointed out that you lose control of anything when you sell or give away , so what 's the difference ? I don 't feel this way . I like to think people who get my art get it because they like it , charity or not . Can you help me here ? " Thanks , Roberta . Your friend is right . You do lose a lot of control when you give your work to a raffle or an auction . Further , charities these days are feverishly looking for interesting ways to raise money . The element of chance plays into this one , and it might very well create some excitement . I 'd say , just let the cookies crumble where they may . It 's an honour to serve your community , particularly with your art . I try to work with the charities I most believe in and avoid the ones I don 't . Some you can participate in - say 50 / 50 , but most these days are full gifts with no noticeable tax benefits . So my dealers don 't get hot under the collar , I try to put a reserve on things . For charities with lower expectations , I find my hand - pulled serigraphs are useful and achieve relatively good prices at fundraisers . I keep some on hand for the purpose . I avoid charities that approach me with the idea they are doing me a favour . For many years we had a charitable event here called " The World 's Worst Oil Paintings . " Friends of mine , Bill and Norm , believed in the concept and went around to junk shops buying really bad paintings and putting goofy titles on them . They salted their auction with " The World 's Best Oil Paintings " ( mine were slipped in among this exalted group ) . I never attended , but I heard it was a lot of laughs . Esoterica : It seems to me the most effective fundraisers these days are high - end events where a limited number of better works are included with other prizes including foreign trips , fishing trips , rare wines , dinners with celebrities , etc . The best events don 't have tediously long live auctions or interminable silent ones . Apart from the few bottom feeders who show up , people basically want to give , they don 't want to be bombarded , and more than anything , being human , many of them appreciate being seen doing a good turn . Recently I tried donating art to charity through eBay auctions , and found it very satisfactory . You can decide the percentage you want to donate , and you can select a charity from a wide array of choices . I 've done it twice so far , once with it going 100 % to the charity , and once with a percentage going to the charity . I like the control it gives the artist . If the piece doesn 't sell , I keep the artwork ( but owe eBay a fee ) and if it sells , I know who bought it . I am an abstract painter but after losing my fabulous German Shepherd I decided to paint her . This opened a whole new world as I discovered I loved painting animals . There is something magical about painting their personalities . With this new found love under my belt I went to the local Humane Society and offered to paint portraits of some of their dogs . They took these oil paintings and used them to spur interest in their fundraiser … . the Fur Ball . A very fancy occasion I might add . My donation was a portrait of the winning bidders pet . The bidding war was fierce and the Humane Society got all the proceeds . That evening everyone left a winner . The people who won the bid were to get a portrait of their best friend , the Humane Society got much needed funds to continue their service and I left smiling as I was able to give back in a way that served my community . Gwen , It 's very hard to paint " pets " without becoming too cute , especially if they are , well . . . cute . But you walked that tightrope with style , your Retriever has plenty of personality and appeal without crossing over into gaggy sentimentality . Great job . He 's terrific . Gwen , well said . It seems once the word is out that you 're a half - decent painter , everyone and their dog , haha , asks for a painting ! I never thought about defining who or what I want to support … now I will . Thanks for the BGO ( Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious ) . 1 ) The highest is to give of yourself , your time or your money ; a job , a partnership a loan etc . , to your fellow man so that they can become independent , self standing and free of the need of charity . To help a man help himself . Christians have a similar thought , in Teach a Man to fish . Charity , like politics and religion , is one of the most delicate and personal of mindsets . There is no right or wrong , but matters of degree . I hope that you will have found Maimonides ladder of interest . After reading through the varied remarks in this clickback there is something in common I would consider adding to this list - Giving with the expectation of something in return . Expecting accolades , acknowledgement , a further working relationship ? Are you kidding ? At auction an artist 's treasured work is nothing but a picture in a frame . Expecting a third party to attend to a non - existing code of conduct of the artist 's making is rather outrageous . Neither the artist nor their precious artpiece are that important . People don 't pay for sense of self worth and sentimental value . The levels of giving implies that Mr . Genn somehow doesn 't give enough . Since he started the Twice Weekly letters and has provided a forum for artists for some years , I 'm really grateful for his gift , whereas the ladder just made me confused . Any success that Mr . Genn has received from this is well deserved and is also a gift to us artists in showing that it is possible to make a living as artists by his example Oh , I find this ladded horrid ! Any charity that suggest how much or under which terms I should give , doesn 't get a penny from me . Charity is a simple concept - give what , when , how you can . How dare anyone impose rules ! I too donate several pieces per year for charity functions . I have become very dissatisfied with the practice of the silent auction . This is where bidders come by and leave a bid on a sheet of paper below the item they want . Then others can come by and up the bid and so on until the bidding is closed . I feel the main problem with this is that one person ends up paying the top amount and everyone else who bids has contributed nothing . Some items may not receive any bids that meet the reserve . I have always felt that the best way to run these events would be to sell bidding tickets at a fixed price . Bidders would then go around putting their bids into containers that correspond to the item they wish to " win . " A ticket is then drawn from each container and the item awarded to the lucky " bidder . " The win here is for everyone . Most people would spend a few bucks to take a chance on a painting - rather than pay the whole amount of a winning bid . No piece would go untaken ( theoretically ) and I think the potential for raising more money is greater . What do you think ? This is a subject about which I get very upset . I used to be generous in donating my etchings to various fundraising events and have had my efforts bite me in the rear more often than not . I have many stories of people who waited for auctions knowing the value of my work to jump right in and grab a bargain , which is bad enough , but one person would show up at my exhibitions and rub my nose in it IN FRONT OF MY CLIENTS ! , bragging about his tactics and suggesting they do the same . Other such stories have led me to refuse any out - and - out donations and keep a high reserve . At one auction for a disability my piece was not sold but the organizer told me her disabled son had fallen in love with it and she wanted to buy it . When I gave her my reserve price , she was surprised , saying I was donating it anyway and I explained that was for the CHARITY . She apparently was trying to cheat her own charity ! Reluctantly , she agreed to pay me but many years later I haven 't seen a dime . Plus she doesn 't return my calls or attend my shows any more . I donated to the silent auction of a certain organization two years in a row . The same person bid on and won my painting . The second year she made a point of telling me how much she enjoyed collecting my art - she was eager to see what she 'd get next year ! No surprise I decided not to donate a painting again . Instead , I donated a coupon worth 50 % off the winner 's choice of a piece of my work . The time - limited coupon sold for as much as the paintings had done in the past two years - and to a different person , one who is apparently willing to invest in the artist as well as the charity . If the winner is interested enough to use the coupon , we will establish a proper artist - collector relationship . If she doesn 't , the charity still wins and I don 't lose . Years ago I read this ( unattributed ) adage , " Give , but do not give the gift you cannot afford to give . " I sense that many artists get in the bind that I did . We want to contribute and yet feel ripped off when our generosity is abused . My new policy of giving on terms I can afford , both emotionally and financially , feels much better . This is an excellent idea ! As a retired professional fundraiser , I 've had the experience of gnashing my teeth when volunteers set the rules of art auctions - both silent and " live " - and insisted on a reserve bid of perhaps 10 % of the market value of a painting . In working to acquire art for fundraisers , many artists said " never again " because the dollars paid for their art works were sooooo far below market value - and affected subsequent sales in a gallery . Not everyone working on fundraisers respects or understands the donating artist , and more often than not undervalues his or her gift . So it 's up to the artist to set the rules for their donation of art . I was able to make a loan to someone in Paraguay using a revolutionary new website called Kiva ( www . kiva . org ) . What is really nice is that I used my PayPal funds to give the loan . Over the last few months I have been selling calendars from my website . I did a limited edition short run for my Collectors , but as this group grew , it became uneconomical to produce 50 and I needed to make the jump to a run of 500 . I hoped the project would be self - financing and in fact I got quite a big surplus , about € 600 . Much of the money came in from across the world via PayPal and it was my first real experience of electronic payments . And it was magical . And so , there is something really nice for me to be able to lend out this surplus to other entrepreneurs in places where $ 600 is a fortune . And I can do it electronically , with PayPal ( which offers its service free ) . I made two loans one to an entrepreneur named Perpetuo Socorro Group in Paraguay and the second to Buntheng Sem Village Bank Group in Cambodia . On Sunday , both groups still need another more funds to complete their loan request , but it has since been fully supported . And there are many others that need a few dollars too you can loan as little as $ 25 . 00 ! Great work Mary . I , too , feel very comfortable in giving to Kiva . One can also gift a friend ( $ 25 . 00 for birthday / special occasions ) and thus introduce that friend to Kiva . Kiva is an excellent concept and a great organization . I 've been involved for 3 years now without a hitch . Rates as a # 3 on the " Levels of Giving " chart I would say . So many charities are an industry anymore and too often I have to hold my nose as I write the check knowing only a pittance of the amount will actually reach those in need . Not with Kiva . You truly are helping people help themselves . Every penny at Kiva goes along way . Last year the local Middle school requested donations from our co - op gallery for an auction to raise money for the school . I was fairly new at the gallery and made a real effort to help get the donations for the school . It caused somewhat of a dispute among artists . I was told by one that the people will take advantage and most likely get it real cheap and then turn around and never buy from the artist they received via auction or turn around and sell it for more . It really upset me that he didn 't feel like I did and that one should just be willing to give up a piece of work and be done with it . Well about 4 months or so later , my 11 year old son and I were in an antique shop and I noticed a familiar original painting hanging on the wall and I realized it was mine . I asked the lady who the vendor was and she told me . I said well that 's interesting , I gave that piece to an auction for the middle school . She said the vendor 's sister is a teacher there . I 'm not sure how to feel about this situation but it does show the person who warned me was right . This reminds me of the day I happened to be window shopping in a small town nearby . I noticed this small painting ( approx . 8 ″ x 10 ″ ) in the window of a ' Used Clothing & Collectables ' shop , which immediately caught my eye . It had a $ 2 . 00 sticker on it ! I went in to have a closer look and found it was an original watercolour painting ! It was beautiful ; so I bought it . Proceeds from the sale of items went to the local ' women 's shelter ' . They had a special sale on that day - all items were 1 / 2 price - so when they saw that I wanted the painting ( and obviously was delighted to find it ) , the clerk wanted to double the price ( which was still nothing ) ! I bought it on the spot but it made me realize how most people don 't recognize art when they see it . An artist had given her beautiful painting to them , in support of the cause , but they had no idea the value of the painting . As they say , ' a deal is a deal ' … it 's hanging in my bathroom now and I love it ! That includes Jan Werdin who wrote , " An artist acquaintance of ours said she found her ' donated to a charity auction ' painting in a thrift shop minus the frame . It implies the frame was more valuable to the buyer than the painting . Puts a damper on one 's charitable heart . " This is a touchy subject with me . I donate about 1 / 2 of the work that I do . There are some wonderful and giving charities out there that deserve every dollar they earn . I give to them often and generously without asking for anything in return . This has given me the clout my career has needed as an artist and my work is out in peoples homes I would never have met on my own . There have also been wonderful and supportive clients who call asking for a piece . After they have bought numerous pieces , it is impossible to refuse these people who sit on the board of charities and fundraisers . But as an artist who gets usually 3 phone calls a week from every charity in town and then some , I have learned to say no . I give to Aids , breast Cancer , Childrens hospital and Ronald McDonald House to name a few . I know I would not be where I am today if it had not been for the work I have done with Charities . I have tried to do 50 / 50 with me getting 50 % of the money , charities don 't do that anymore . I once asked for the silent bid sheet on my painting only with the clients name and email so I could add them to my mailing list . This was in violation of the privacy act that apparently all charities are bound by . Once I even had a guy who emailed me the next day to tell me he was so drunk at the event the evening before he didn 't really know what he was bidding on when he won my painting . He then went on to say that it would be in my best interest to buy the painting back from him at the full market value . He would then be " more inclined to buy my work in the future " . I told him I would think about it and didn 't call him back . What is puzzling to me is these charities always call artists . I would think it cool to see a plumbing service at a charity event or some legal advice on a bid sheet . My dentist told me he wanted to donate a free tooth whitening kit for the charity his wife was on the board of . The Canadian Dental Association contacted him and he was told that his donation was deemed unethical and he was not allowed to make a donation . I am a artisan jewelry designer . I feel that this subject touches anyone in the arts . I made it my goal in 2009 to donate 1 piece per month to a charity that I believed in . I know that I did well over 12 as some months I found multiple events to support . Like John , I get calls all the time from charitable events . It has helped me that I have set up some parameters in my head . If I don 't already have a relationship with the charity I ask for a formal written request . You can tell a lot about an organization by the way they phrase their request . I might still donate but it won 't be something original or very expensive . And the charities that I am inclined to support fall in line with my values always . I belong to an artist co - op and we had an event for the local symphony in our facility last fall . There was discussion that 1 / 3 of the price of the silent auction price should go to the symphony with the other 2 / 3 being split between the Gallery and the artist . I was completely outvoted on this . I was dismayed . If you intend to donate something it should be a donation . It would never occur to me to ask for some monetary reimbursement for my donation . It is a donation after all . Both original pieces I made with a music theme sold for more than the minimum asking price ( that is a problem I have with silent auctions … everyone is out to get the best ' deal ' below the face value of an item ) . When the event was over , I asked that my 1 / 3 be donated to the symphony . And in January I pledged to donate 100 % of my sales ( even making up the commission that was taken out ) to the efforts to help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti . I ended up donating $ 500 to the charity . That felt good . But that also meant that my year started in February . I believe very much that you get back what you give . I got my start making jewelry for charities , and those people have come and purchased from me many times over . I have a following and a duty to be a presence at those events . But more than that , it just feels good . Hello . Not sure if this is the right place for it … . Roberta , I love your watercolours … they are so filled with light . I didn 't find more of your work on the net , and would like to … . do you have a website ? Stop giving your work away . EXPOSURE is a fallacy . If you have no respect for your work no one else will either . Giving it away will not feed you and do not tell me you do not need the money . Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Like many artists , I am asked to give away my work on a regular basis . The donated work is usually bought by people who can well - afford to pay full - boat and who will not be buying more art for a while since they just got what they wanted for almost nothing . I would like to see a little more sharing when it comes to charitable contributions . For example , the musicians supported by the donated paintings could volunteer to play at some of the artists ' opening receptions . It seems like it should be possible to make the whole thing a bit less one - sided . In the meantime , I will donate money , which is fully deductible , to the charities I want to support . Charities are very dear to my heart . I have donated to our civic auction for many years . Funds are used to pay for community projects such as music in the park on the Fourth of July . I used to donate ariginals but , recently have been giving framed prints . As time went by the paintings brought more and more money . Hope it continues . Christian , and private Schools , also , are on my list for donating . Our art is our greatest gift we can give of ouselves I highly recommend selling art for charity in these hard times . People still want to help , even with limited funds . My art selling prospects were dim late last year , and I looked at the ever - growing stack of paintings I had and decided to sell them on Facebook and donate half the proceeds to a New Jersey horse rescue group that is active on Facebook . This group uses donated funds to save horses that are destined for the slaughterhouse . People think I am sacrificing money , but it is a cause I want to support and in doing so , I have gained a whole new legion of art buyers . I have sold at least 100 paintings already in 2010 , when last year I probably sold 40 paintings all year . My paintings are modestly priced but that 's ok . I sell 98 % of what I paint , and helping this cause has energized and inspired me ! How about donating your time . I 've donated many paintings over the last 50 years , but now my main donation is given in another way . I am a member of our city 's art commission . Our new city hall has a terrific new art gallery in it and I am the curator . We jury regional art yearly , set a calendar and hang a new exhibit every four weeks . So try giving time . I 'm having a good time doing the job and working with artists that are , for the most part , known to me . Emails keeping things moving and gallery changing day are most of the work . I still paint a lot and this time given doesn 't really hurt that at all . Robert , I disagree about serving the community at the expense of having a wonderful piece of art go to someone who randomly had the right raffle ticket . I too want mine to go to someone who wants it . So , the method guides my choices as to what fund - raiser gets the painting or print . I have always donated work to the local and national charities . I view it in two ways as a positive . It is good marketing and good for the soul What better combination than that . I think we sometimes fixate a bit too much on who owns our work , and I can t put them all on the Nursing Home room wall if you know what I mean . I have participated in this kind of event . It is always good to give something back without trying to control the outcome . You never know where it may lead . I see it as another way to put my work in front of a large group of people . Last year I was exhibiting in a show for an art center , to raise funds for a new wing ; one of the features of the show was to offer original work donated by the artists , in a silent auction . Not only was the event a successful one , but the patrons attending the show , came around to look at other exhibited works by the artists , and bought from them , making up for any " donated " losses . We also received a tax form for charitable donation . I will not paint a portrait for someone who does not value my work . If they did , they would pay my published price and not quibble over it . Do you bargain with the plumber or repairman ? No , you pay what they charge . Too often charities have zero interest in art and are only concerned about a commodity that can generate cash for them . Your supposed " exposure " is empty to a crowd who doesn 't value art . How can you charge $ _____ for a painting and then have it auctioned for a tenth of that ? It undermines your work and your self respect as an artist . like all artists , and other business people too , I get frequent requests to donate my art . often , the requests outpace my production . I no longer donate art to charity fundraisers , unless I have a special interest in that particular charity or a personal connection ( a friend 's medical expenses for instance ) . instead , I suggest that the requesting charity have a patron purchase my art from me at wholesale , donate it to the charity that can then auction it off for whatever they can get for it . I get paid , the donating patron gets full retail value for their donation , and the charity receives the funds it desires . I have yet to have any charity take me up on this idea - although they all respond , " what a good idea - I 'll talk to my board about it ! " While donating art to a charity event may seem like a nice thing to do , it hurts artists in several ways . Except for highly successful artists like yourself , artists are probably the most underpaid people . Why is it that they are always the first to be asked to donate their work ? People seem to think that it 's a hobby anyway , that we 're not making our living from it , so why not donate it . There 's an intrinsic devaluation taking place in the very act of asking for a donation . We donate art and get no tax write - off for it other than the cost of supplies . And to make matters worse , for every painting sold at an art auction , there is one less painting being sold by an artist out there . Double whammy . I have been donating to charitable fundraisers for over 10 years now , and find that not only is it good for my business , but it makes me feel great to help out my favorite causes . I feel so blessed to be working as an artist , doing what I love , that it hardly seems like I 'm " giving up " anything to donate a work of art ! I only had one bad " experience " and learned the hard way to put a " reserve " price on auction items , but now my works and gift certificates often fetch more than the appraised or stated value . I have also discovered this past week how wonderful artistic talent can be , when you have a " pet project " of your own that you want to fund - raise for … . I recently adopted a three legged dog from a small village in Mexico , and decided to donate all the proceeds from my art greeting cards this year , featuring images of my paintings , to help fund spay and neuter clinics , vaccinations and health care in Puerto Morelos , Mexico . The response from my customers and friends and friends of friends , has been phenomenal ! ! I have raised far more than I ever expected - and to me , this feeling cannot be beat - it 's as wonderful as producing a great painting that just flows off the brush , only better … as I know that others are benefiting as well ! I received the book today and it 's beautiful . I read a little so far and got a wonderful taste of it . The book inspires me just by staring at it on my desk ! I just read " Art Junkie " , page 331 . Painting is intoxicating . I recently did a painting over a painting that was going nowhere , so to speak . I worked on it for an afternoon and love what came of it . I told a friend that it looks like a Hawaiian floral , but he didn 't see it that way and told me that " it 's beautiful . " I brought it home and since it 's fairly new , I still stare at it as if I 'm trying to figure out " where it came from . " That feeling is intoxicating . I got Robert 's book as a Christmas present for myself and keep it handy in my art studio . There are just never enough hours in my day here in New Orleans : playing in the symphony , teaching music students , running a new art gallery and getting my own paintings done ! This book is a constant source of inspiration . On many a day , Robert 's voice has made all the difference . Please pass along my gratitude . Someone explained to me that there is a huge market for " donated " art . There are serious collectors out there who are tuned into the charities that auction off art . Apparently , that 's the only kind of art market they are interested in , from obvious reasons . I decided to only give to the charities which I want to support and not to commit more than I can afford without much stress . I most often give money , and sometimes I give art if the event is fun and if I like the organizers . If I really like the organization I don 't worry about getting the tax return , but in most cases they issue it for an amount that they can according to whatever rules apply . For a couple years I donated a " casual crayon portrait " at a local elementary school auction . Parents bid on it and then I would contact them . Then I 'd meet with their child during the school day ( maybe during recess ) and draw with a crayon of the child 's choosing on acid - free 8 . 5 × 11 ″ paper . Once a girl picked a white or black crayon . Those were her favorite colors , because she liked cows ! I used the black crayon for that one . It was a great way to spend time with the children and support a good cause . Recently I donated an original painting to a hospital auxillary from an organization that had been overwhelmingly helpful during an illness . I was happy to help them in any way I could . My painting was the main event during the live auction at their banquet . The bidding came down to two individuals connected with the hospital . One eventually won out and was very excited about the art . The second had to be satisfied with at least raising the bid for the organization . My wife then suggested to me that bidder two was ready to spend a lot of money five minutes prior and maybe he still is . She suggested I discuss the possibility of creating a second painting for the amount of the winning bid for bidder number two . When approached with the idea he was overjoyed . The hospital doubled their money , two patrons were happy and I was satisfied with a job well done .
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For me , this seems like the time to finally stop pumping and donating breast milk to local families . In the last three months , I 've pumped over 3300 ounces ( or about 26 gallons ) and donated it to 4 different families - helping them to reach their goals of providing a diet of exclusively or mostly breast milk , rather than commercial infant formula . I 'm so very pleased to have been able to do this for them but as I seriously contemplated stopping this process , I realized that some of my dedication to pumping was tied into avoiding a more complete end to this whole surrogacy journey . It has been 4 years , 5 months , 2 weeks and 1 day since I 've not been in some stage of the reproductive process . I 've either been pregnant , breastfeeding , preparing for pregnancy or pumping . That is a long time to be focused on such a narrow area of who I am . I think that makes it hard to have a broader view and move forward ~ but that is something I must do . And there is no time like the present . I have been working hard to lose the " baby weight " that has hung around since my first pregnancy over 9 years ago . At this moment , I have about 20 pounds to go and I 'm confident I can do it . I 've finished 5 weeks of a 9 week " couch to 5k " program on my treadmill . I 'm very proud of myself for the dedication I 've given to the activity as I usually fall off after a week . Also , during my last workout , I ran for over 20 straight minutes . I 've NEVER been able to do that . NEVER . Not even as a teenager . I 'm really looking forward to getting closer to my fitness and health goals . . . and still really hopeful that another surrogacy is in my future . But I know I have ALL of 2014 to dedicate to myself and my goals . And that 's exactly what I intend to do ! Posted by It 's been a month since Baby M arrived and I 'm feeling great ! Physically , my energy levels are back to normal and I 've managed to lose all the extra weight from the pregnancy . Dealing with the emotional turmoil the first few weeks was kind of challenging . During the pregnancy , I didn 't have any problem with not getting too attached to the baby . Babies , before they 're born are more of a " concept " ( to me ) and less of a reality . Once he arrived and I got to see the joy literally written on the faces of his parents , it was impossible to maintain that distance . It wasn 't long before they felt like family . I 've had so many people ( whose support I am unbelievably grateful for ) tell me how wonderful it was for me to become a surrogate and help create a family . After going through the whole process , I can tell you that even knowing how much this meant to my surro - family , I feel like the winner . It has been so rewarding to see and feel all that happiness and know that I was a huge part in creating it ! So now life returns to normal . Doing all the things I was doing before - but without a baby bump . This includes therapy appointments , preschool , housework and tackling some of the bigger home improvement / maintenance things that were put on hold for a while . As much as the end of pregnancy is challenging , I totally miss it already . One thing that is different for me is that I am still able to help others right now . I decided long ago that I would pump breast milk and donate it to others through either a local network or a milk bank . So far , it 's going wonderfully and I 've been able to help several local families . At the one month mark , I 'm just shy of a total of 1000 ounces ~ that 's the equivalent of almost 8 gallons ! ( or over 29 liters for all you metric - loving folks out there ) Amazing ! ! I 'm hoping to keep it going for another 2 months at least . Perhaps more . . . . I hope that one day , I 'll be able to do this all again . In the meantime , I have wonderful new friends on the other side of the Atlantic and the satisfaction in knowing that I really changed a life ~ several lives ~ for the better . That 's the best ! This post is essentially the tale of how my surro - baby arrived Earthside . If you 're not into labor stories , you may want to skip this post . I swear I did my best to leave out anything which would be considered " too much information . " Consider yourself warned . With my last post , I mentioned that the countdown had begun . . . Little did I know that there would be no actual countdown . The next day ( at 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant ) , after putting my youngest children to bed for a nap , I started having regular contractions when I laid down on the sofa for a rest . Once a few hours had gone by and they were still just as regular , I thought it might be a good idea to call the doctor and see if they wanted me to come in for an exam to see if I was actually in labor or not . When she arrived , I found it was the same midwife who delivered my daughter 8 years ago . She was not part of the OB practice I visited , but was the on - call from another practice who delivers at the same hospital . I thought she was great the first time and I was very excited to see her again , though I still had my doubts that I was actually in labor . In the meantime , I had sent a message to the intended fathers to let them know not to panic ( yet ) - but that I was at the hospital getting checked to see what was going on . Unfortunately , the time zone difference put all of this activity in the middle of the night for them and I was worried that they were losing a night of sleep for no good reason at all . I wanted to keep them updated but also disturb their rest as little as possible in case of a false alarm . Thankfully , we didn 't have to wait long for an answer . I did some walking in the hallway while texting with my husband and some of my friends who knew what was going on . The contractions continued and while definitely noticeable , were not REALLY painful . I was still hopeful that this was just prodromal labor , getting things started for the real action later in the following week or two . When the midwife checked again around 10 : 00 pm , she found that I had dilated just a little more and she was pretty confident that this was the real thing . Less than 10 seconds later , I realized that my " water " broke and I knew I was staying . The nurse helped me gather my things and shuffle ( waddle ? ) across the hall to my labor room . I called my husband and told him to have our sitter come over to the house to stay with the children overnight and then hurry himself over to me . This was a different situation as I 'd never had my " water " break so early in labor , but in the past , once it did , the whole thing was over in about an hour or two - sometimes much less . Luckily , it was only another hour or so until my husband arrived and at that point , I still wasn 't terribly uncomfortable . I know that I handle labor better when standing and that in the past , warm water has been helpful in relieving pain , so once the contractions picked up in intensity , I decided to pass some time in the shower . After that , I planned to stand and sway through contractions with my husband as my support , but I repeatedly would become very dizzy and feel faint following each contraction . Finally , I reached a point where I felt I didn 't have any choice but to lie on my side in the bed , even though I wasn 't able to manage the pain as well in that position . Thankfully , that really hard part of labor didn 't last long . Correction : at the time , it felt unending , but realistically it was only about an hour . In my mind , I had acknowledged that this labor was harder than the last two I experienced and I had reached a point where I was seriously considering giving up on an non - medicated birth and asking for an epidural . But in my heart , I knew that could bring it 's own set of complications and it was very likely there wouldn 't be time anyway . That 's when the benefit of having a midwife to tend to a laboring mother became very evident - she was able to stay with me and talk me through it all and reinforced the belief that I was able to do this on my own . Quickly , the end came and with just a few pushes , I delivered Baby M into the world at 3 : 35 am . My guess was 6 pounds , 6 ounces . He weighed 7 pounds , 0 . 2 ounces and measured 18 inches long at only 36 weeks . I was stunned ! Because he was a late - preterm baby , I was concerned about his health but he quickly proved that he was going to be fine . He had a nice healthy cry and all of the other measures assessed were just as good . At that point , my husband 's job as a support person to me was mostly over so he switched to photographer and went to work trying to capture all those first moments that Baby M 's daddies weren 't able to witness themselves . After getting weighed and cleaned up a bit , they brought him back to me for some skin - to - skin care , which is especially helpful to preterm babies in regulating body temperature . We spent a few hours in Labor & Delivery before moving up to the Maternity unit and since my husband had to return home to help get all the kids started on their " business - as - usual " day , I had the pleasure of Baby M 's company all day , on my own . His daddies were on their way , but wouldn 't be arriving until very late that night and so would plan to come to the hospital the following morning . The moment they arrived was pivotal and so sudden . At one moment it was just myself and Baby M and then next , there was a new family created ! It was so fantastic , I had to resist the urge to leap out of the bed and literally almost toss the baby into their arms . So , calmly , I greeted them and introduced them to their little guy . I wish I could share a photo of the moment ~ it was priceless , but for privacy reasons , I have to leave their faces out of this blog . Thankfully , I can share photos of Baby M instead . That morning was a whirlwind of visits from the pediatrician , the nurses , the audiologist who administered the standard hearing test and the newborn photographer . We also met with the clinical specialist at the hospital , who was in charge of the paperwork needed to transfer medical responsibility of Baby M from myself to his fathers . Once everything was done , they were able to move to their own room next door and begin bonding with their son . This was my first real opportunity to reflect on all that had happened as everything prior went so quickly . It was a bit of a shock to know that the project that kept us all in touch for the last 18 months was suddenly at an end , especially considering we had expected to have almost another month yet . But mostly , the feelings were positive . Watching two people , who had waited so long to become parents , learn to hold and care for this new little prince was very endearing and sometimes a little entertaining too ! Parenthood has a steep learning curve but they handled it wonderfully . My husband was able to come by and join us for a while and then the next day was filled with the signing of all the paperwork required to officially terminate my parental rights and responsibilities and get them all set to proceed with a second - parent adoption to remove my name from the birth certificate and replace it with the name of Baby M 's other father . Before the end of their visit , we also found time to get together for a professional newborn photo session outside of the hospital as well as a family dinner to include them , myself , my husband and my older children . Unfortunately , the littlest ones were not feeling well and so had to stay at home instead . My older children , who are 8 and 7 , were excited to meet the baby after waiting so many months . I had initially explained the surrogacy idea to them back when we first met with the intended parents . I think it was good for them to have a chance to meet the little person to whom the whole project was dedicated ( essentially ) and to be able to say their goodbyes . Finally , the fathers returned to their temporary residence to finish gathering all the required documents to be able to return home . I was lucky enough to be able to return to see them a few times ( on " official " business ) and they were always generous in allowing me to have the place of honor to hold Baby M as much as I wanted . I even got to feed and change diapers too . Woo hoo ! ! Now they are excited to be able to go home and introduce Baby M to all his family waiting for him there . I have a lot of emotions to work through in seeing them go home . I definitely grew to feel much closer to them than I initially expected . I imagine a lot of surrogates feel the same way . I wonder if it 's harder for the ones whose surro - family lives nearby or far away ? It 's here ! The last month of pregnancy ! My longest pregnancy reached 39 weeks + 5 days and the others were 37 , 38 and 39 weeks , so I anticipate delivering sometime before my due date this time around too . That 's a good thing . This lady is tired and feeling huge and very much looking forward to handing Baby M off to his daddies in the next few weeks . In a few days , I 'll begin seeing the doctor every week until Baby M arrives . So far , everything has gone along just perfectly . Measurements are on track and he 's in the right position . Hoping everything stays just the same ! With less than 2 weeks until my older kids return to school and about 3 weeks until my three - year - old starts preschool , the summer is quickly winding down . On one hand , I 'm thrilled because we 've been SO busy all summer , I feel like I 've run several marathons in the last few months . On the other hand , that means all the fun summer activities , like camps and amusement parks will be done . But that 's okay - this lady needs a break . I feel very strongly that I need to tone down the physical activity to make sure Baby M doesn 't arrive before his Dads get here so a laid - back couple of weeks is definitely in order ! Baby M is a very active little guy . He likes to roll and kick just about every time I hold still long enough to feel it . He 's up to around 4 pounds now and still has lots more growing to do . At some point , I 'm going to make an official " prediction " on weight and length . Not yet - maybe around 8 months . At this moment though , I 'm thinking that despite only having gained about 16 pounds so far , this baby is going to be about 8 pounds - maybe a few ounces more . . . . I guess it really depends on how long he bakes in there . Third Trimester has Arrived ! This past weekend , the third trimester rolled around and we are all very excited . Once again , I am amazed at how quickly time goes by during a pregnancy . At first , it feels like the due date is years away and then next thing you know , you 're packing bags for the hospital . Okay , I 'm not there just yet , but soon . . . very soon ! But while this month seems to be lasting forever , I 'm guessing month number eight will probably be worse since baby will be a whole lot closer to arrival AND it also is another month with five weeks in it instead of just four . I 'd say the same about month nine , but since I 've not yet carried a baby to 40 weeks , I doubt I 'll have to wait through that whole month . My guess is somewhere between 38 and 39 1 / 2 weeks is when surrobabe will arrive ! We will see in just a few short months . . . . Today , I got to wish my intended fathers a " Happy Father 's Day " for the very first time ! I know their little one isn 't here yet , but yet , he " is " so there is definitely cause for celebration ! Time for a photo - I 'm 23 weeks . ( almost 5 1 / 2 months pregnant ) . I 've complained in the past about worrying about weight gain . I won 't go on and on about it , but I 'm very proud to report that so far , I 've only gained about 13 1 / 2 pounds . I have about 17 ( probably a little less ) weeks to go and my goal is to keep the gain to about 10 - 12 more pounds . I 'm right on target ! Go , me . . . . Next week , I get to see the doctor again and " enjoy " their nasty orange concoction known as Glucola . For those not familiar with it , it tastes like an over - sugared , flat , orange soda . I get to avoid food for a couple of hours , drink this nastiness and then get my blood drawn an hour later to check for gestational diabetes . As long as I pass this test , it 's a one - time deal , so I won 't complain too much . Failing the test means repeating a similar version and then possibly having to alter the diet and track blood sugar values for the rest of the pregnancy , so as always , keeping my fingers crossed for good results ! This past weekend , I reached the end of the 20th week of pregnancy . Surro - baby is halfway baked . It is an exciting milestone , commonly marked with the excitement of an anatomy scan . Today , I got to spend a good hour peering a baby 's heart , head , limbs and belly . To be honest , baby kidneys and bladders aren 't the most thrilling thing ever , but the rest of it was just fabulous ! My intended parents have a seriously active little baby in there . Sprout wouldn 't hold still for long - the ultrasound technician had to go chasing after baby to get all the pictures she needed . I was thankful to see that Sprout 's growth was right on track - about 50th percentile for all the measurements . Glad to see I don 't need to worry about having to give birth to a baby much larger than the ones I 've already grown . Ha - Ha ! Of course , the BONUS information that comes along with the anatomy scan is the ability to decipher the sex of the baby , assuming that baby cooperates and shows off a little . The ultrasound technician was easily able to determine whether Sprout was a boy or a girl and marked it on a paper for us . I then took the paper to the store and had a color - corresponding balloon placed inside a box so that the intended parents and I could learn the sex of the baby together . They are the parents - they should be the first to know ! I reached 14 weeks into this pregnancy this past weekend and so by everyone 's standards , the first trimester is over ! That means that pretty much all of Sprout 's systems are " created " and now need to focus on final details and growth , growth , growth ! Speaking of growing , I 've been doing my fair share . Ideally , I would have made it this far with only having gained maybe 2 - 3 pounds . However , when my first trimester is particularly full of nausea and indigestion , I tend to gain more and so unfortunately , 10 pounds was my actual tally this time around . Eeek ! Thankfully the second trimester tends to be kinder to me and hopefully I 'll have some spare energy to spend on getting more exercise and the overall weight gain will slow down for a little while . I was fortunate enough to be discharged from the reproductive endocrinologist 's office at 11 weeks . While they were great people and very caring , I was thankful to have a break from weekly visits to the office and all the injections . Since then , I 've seen my OB / GYN for my regular appointment at 12 weeks and am looking forward to returning at 16 weeks . My IP 's are crazy - excited about discovering the sex of the baby . My OB typically schedules the anatomy scan around 20 weeks gestation , but once I did have it done around 19 weeks , so I 'll keep my fingers crossed that the IP 's get to find out sooner rather than later ! Finally , I 'm just waiting around impatiently to start feeling Sprout wiggling around in there . Every ultrasound I 've had has shown him / her shadowboxing and dancing so ( s ) he seems like a very active baby . I did , however , find out that I have an anterior ( towards the front ) placenta , which means that it acts like pillow between Sprout and I - cushioning any kicks or rolls I might otherwise feel early on . I did have anterior placentas with my first two children . I didn 't starting feeling any movement from them until around 18 - 20 weeks . And it wasn 't very consistent for another couple of weeks after that . That was a great difference from my third and fourth babies , who both had posterior ( in the back ) placentas . I felt their movements as early as 13 - 14 weeks . Thankfully , I have enough experience to know not to panic because I don 't feel baby in there yet . It will be hard to wait another month or so to feel him or her , but it never hurts to learn another lesson in patience ! And since I feel I 'm the least photogenic person ever , I will post this photo of my 12 week belly shot , but only begrudgingly and while mostly covering my eyes and barely peeking through my fingers . . . P . S . The bloated tummy is RIDICULOUS ! It 's been a few weeks since that first test showed the good news . Since then , I 've had the pleasure of having two ultrasounds . With the second , I even got to hear the heart beat . Very exciting ! I 'll be 7 weeks pregnant on Sunday and I 've got at least one more ultrasound next week and about 2 - 3 weeks before I get released to my own OB office . At this point , I am looking forward to finishing up with injections and patches in the next 3 weeks . The nausea and the fatigue has kicked in to overdrive . Right now , I 'm just rolling with it and hanging on for the ride . Posted by The title of this post poses a question . . . . the answer : EVERYONE ! ! ! One week ago , we transferred a single 8 - cell embryo from the petrie dish to my uterus . Then we all crossed our fingers and hoped for the best . Today , the best has definitely happened ! I got this answer when I asked another question : " Am I pregnant ? " I got to share the exciting news with the dads - to - be in the afternoon and they were overjoyed ! I am so excited for them to finally get to be parents . They shared the news with some relatives , who were also very excited . . . And I shared the news with just a few close friends . And now the world . . . . well , the couple of people who follow this blog , anyway . The two - week wait ( TWW ) gets it 's name from the two week period of time from ovulation until the next cycle begins . For many women , it can take all 14 days to pass before a HPT will turn positive . I happen to know that in my case , I 've tested earlier and had results as early as nine days past ovulation . But that was with my own baby and definitely not through IVF , so it 's a whole new game this time around ! As you can see , three days post - transfer , I can expect that the embryo - turned - blastocyst is now beginning to hatch . Implantation has not yet occurred . Sometimes this chart can be off by as much as a day or two . . . but realistically , that still makes it virtually impossible to be experiencing some pregnancy symptoms yet . So every time my mind starts wandering , I can refer to this to remind myself that it 's too early . . . don 't test yet ! I know better . . . . but believe me , there are many , many women who just for the sake of needing to do something , will go ahead and test anyway . Not me ! Not today , anyhow . . . my resolve is quickly weakening though . My goal is to make it until Thursday of next week . That will be 8dp3dt , the equivalent of 11 DPO . Technically it could still be too early and a false negative could ensue . But this girl is only thinking happy thoughts , so no worrying about that just yet ! Today was the best day yet of this whole journey ! Yesterday , we received notification that our embryo transfer was most likely going to take place on Day 3 , as opposed to Day 5 . I 'm not privy to all the details about why they chose to do the transfer earlier rather than later , but when we got there , we found out that the embryo being transferred was about as close to perfect as it gets . It had eight , symmetrical , nicely - formed cells and was looking big and beautiful on the printed picture they provided . The transfer was easy - peasy and took all of maybe 5 minutes . Then I had to lie there on the table for about 10 minutes before getting up and getting dressed . After the transfer , we had a very nice lunch with the Intended Fathers and their interpreter and our contact at the surrogacy agency . The rest of the day for me was to be " couch - potato " activity . I did meet a friend for dinner and we had a lovely time sitting and not moving , but sharing lots of laughs . It definitely qualified as " relaxation " therapy ! IT . HAS . HAPPENED ! My intended fathers are back in the States and the egg retrieval has taken place . 10 months after signing up to be a surrogate with my agency , we are " this close " to growing a baby ! I had it all planned out . I had the nurse at the clinic mark my behind where the injections are to go . Then I had my husband ( who isn 't quite terrified , but isn 't exactly comfortable with needles ) watch a video of another surrogate doing her own PIO injections so he had a visual reference . Then , he put our son to bed and I chickened out and did the injection myself . If it 's not obvious , let me just say , I have a difficult time relenquishing control . Overall , it wasn 't as bad as I feared . It was a huge needle ( to my eye ) but I barely felt it go in . Hooray ! The hardest part was pulling the plunger out a little to check for blood - to make sure I didn 't hit a vein . Then changing the grip again to actually inject the medication . Otherwise , easy as pie . This certainly doesn 't mean that my behind will be spared from the ache that is typical for an intramuscular injection . But a bruised feeling surely can 't be too bad , right ? Not compared to the worry over an inch - and - a - half long needle coming at me ! So I 'm glad the anxiety about that is gone . Now to look forward again to the next few days and see how everything goes in the lab . Very excited about hopefully having more good news to share again later in the week ! In the last week of December , I got to stop taking the Birth Control Pill and go see the IVF clinic for a baseline ultrasound and blood work . They said everything was great , so I started adding estrogen patches to my regimen . ( at least I get to see what hormone replacement therapy is like for women who 've gone through a hysterectomy or who are menopausal - is that a good thing ? LOL ) I 'm getting very excited about the date of the transfer creeping ever closer . I 'll be completely honest and admit that I 'm getting a little more nervous too . The reality of possibilities such as a cancelled cycle or an unsuccessful cycle are becoming a little more intimidating , but I realize that remaining positive is the best thing to do . It works well in other aspects of my life . I really do believe that the power of positive thinking can bring good things your way , so I will focus only on how well things will go and look forward to getting a positive test result early in February ! It 's here ! The last month of pregnancy ! My longest pregnancy reached 39 weeks + 5 days and the others were 37 , 38 and 39 weeks , so I ant . . . This past weekend , I reached the end of the 20th week of pregnancy . Surro - baby is halfway baked . It is an exciting milestone , commonly marke . . . My last blog entry was December 2013 . It 's now a year later and I am excited because my dreams are coming true . Again . I am gearing up . . .
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Husband was just asked about 15 minutes ago to go with Epaenatus to a village that we 've never heard of before . He looked at me , I said of course ! , and he became a blurred figure from that point on . He came running in with his backpack about 2 minutes later , stuffed with what he thought he 'd need , grabbed some snacks and clean water , and was out the door . You know it would have taken me at least 20 minutes to pack a backpack if I didn 't know where I was staying . ( oh yeah , I forgot to mention , he doesn 't even know if he 'll have a bed . That would 've been my first question : " Will I have a mattress , sheets , pillow , and comforter ? Because otherwise , I 'll need extra time to pack my sleeping bag and a pillow . " ) I mean , this whole situation if full of What Ifs . . . what if the place is cold and he 'll need longjohns ? What if it 's really warm and he 'll need short sleeves ? What if there 's no food available ? What if he has to sleep with 3 men in a twin sized bed ? The questions are endless ! But also , there 's the What if he has a chance to meet more of our people group , the MahPah 's ? What if he has the opportunity to share about the boss ? What if someone is ready to accept ? What if he meets a person of peace and we are able to go back to that village ? Even as detail - oriented as I tend to be sometimes , these are the questions that are plaguing my mind right now . Of course , I 'm not the one on my way to 24 hours of who knows what . In a way , he 's kind of like Jack Bauer . . . Our trip to get our scooter was interesting . For one thing , the scooter is not in the best shape , and only starts when husband gives the kickstart a big whack . We actually had to walk it over to the nearest mechanic to get fixed . The workers started taking apart our scooter on the sidewalk in front of the shop , along with several other scooters and motorcycles already being worked on . In a small area , there were probably 10 - 15 guys working on all these parts . They sat husband and I on a bench to watch them work . All of a sudden , a huge truck rolled up and honked loudly . In a flash , the work area was empty . We 're talking tumbleweeds could have rolled by . It literally took about 5 - 10 seconds for these workers to grab all the pieces and run them into the shop . Thoughts of everything from attacks to arrests to drive - bys popped in our heads , and so we followed suit and hopped out of the way . Turns out , the shop is not allowed to work on the sidewalk , and the police will come around and confiscate anything they are working on outside . After the police man left , the workers came back out , along with the scooters , and started back up again . These are the before and after shots . We also walked through the big Wednesday ( aw , Big Wednesday reminds me of my dad ! ) vegetable and fruit market , which was so impressive . And we saw a few parks as well . But the main thing is that not only did we end up with a scooter , we also were passed down a gas heater , and got a mixer ( finally ! ) and a skillet . Anna and I at the rose garden . Today was interesting , as most days in a different culture tend to be . You never know what to expect . In a way , I was disappointed , because I was headed over to Naina 's today to teach her English . That is something I learned at our retreat - how to teach ESL classes that convict , using bread , among other things . I had prepared a lesson and everything , sent money about it , and husband and I were off to their home . When we arrived , Naina was making lunch , and her inlaws were in town . So instead of teaching Naina English ( I saw her for a total of about 10 minutes ) , we ended up spending the entire afternoon speaking with Deepak 's mom , sister , father , and Epaenatus . Deepak 's mom is the reason Deepak feels he can 't outwardly follow our boss , and now I see why . The woman is a grump , is strong - willed , and very devout . The darkness just oozes from her when she talks . We did get to have some great conversations about our boss , though , which hopefully planted even the smallest seed . Who knows , maybe she will see that we are normal and nice , and be more open to the idea of Deepak and Naina following our boss . Something so exciting is that Epaenatus told us that he has shared with so many people the change in his life ! He says his fiancee has accepted the truth as well ! We are going to his village possibly next week for his ( and hopefully her ) immersion . Talking with him shows how much he has grown , which is incredible , especially considering he doesn 't even have bread . It goes to show how the HS can guide us . Not to diminish the importance of bread , but Epaenatus has the boss with him constantly now , which is truly evident in his life . We will be going to Ctown tomorrow for two days , to pick up , among other things , a scooter ! Husband is beside himself . A couple is leaving , and we 're getting their hand - me - down scooter . And we 're having a coworker family come to visit us this weekend to discuss and plan how to get volunteer trips to come this summer ( ahem ! ) so it should be another busy week for us . P . S . Dadto3 : husband is asking Posted by This weekend , my best friends back home are getting together . The Fam , as we oh so affectionately call ourselves , is made up of 8 unique girls who are in some ways all completely different , but in some ways , the exact same . Since we are spread out everywhere from Oklahoma to South Asia , we usually only get together , all 8 of us , about 3 to 4 times a year . Our abs always hurt after time spent together just because we laugh so much . Anyway , I 'm really wishing I was there right now , just for the weekend , to laugh and talk too much and play who knows what games ( real or made up - you never know with the Fam ) and to even run amuck ( although , without Beth there this weekend , there probably won 't be too much amuck being run ) . I 'm working on keeping myself really busy these next couple of days so I don 't dwell too much on the fact that I 'm missing another get together with some of my favorite people in the whole world . This picture is of them at my wedding , so it 's a bit dated , but it 's the only one I could find without myself in it . On to some better news , Hannah is spending the weekend at Priya 's house , bonding . Priya has had yet another impending wedding fall through , and she 's devastated and really seeking peace . Hannah is hoping that this weekend will be a time where Priya can finally see that our money is not the same , and that our bosses aren 't the same . The 3 of us had lunch this week , and Hannah and I shared with her about the prince of peace , but Priya 's heard it all before . She 's to the point where she needs to realize he 's the only one . Please join us in sending money that her heart will be softened to the truth . Posted by I still can 't believe it . When I went to the one guy in town that sells frozen meat , I ordered my kilo of boneless chicken , and then after paying , asked almost as an after though , " Do you have any bacon ? " And guess what . . . he did ! Actually , " A lot of bacon , " were his exact words . Buddy , you don 't know it yet , but you have just found your number 1 customer . I bought what looks like 2 big , wide slabs of bacon . And while we were out of the country , I bought a ham in hopes that not only would it still be good once we got home , but that we were allowed to bring animal meat from one country to another . ( the answer to both of those questions is a resounding yes ) There all that beautiful pork sits in my fridge , like slabs of cholesterol - injected symbols of endless possibilities . What should I make ? I 'm almost tempted to not make anything just so I can continue to become overjoyed when I open the fridge and see the pork right there , beckoning me . Almost . Let me start off by saying that when a trip starts off by you noticing the " Hill Sickness Bags , " you know you 're in for a real treat . For the next 4 hours as we plummeted down the mountains , at the mercy of a lunatic and brake - happy bus driver , we heard those bags put to good use . Luckily , I think I only heard 3 people getting sick , which I think was the reason the music was turned way up until we made it down the mountain . I 'm very grateful for that music . I was close to losing it , and I never get motion sick . So much for being able to sleep while I traveled . Posted by Why do I call it that , like I 'm a pilgrim ? We arrived at the guest house at 6am , grabbed a few hours of sleep , and were on our merry way to the Camp by 10am . On the way we made a pit - stop . Two words for you : Cheese . Burger . Two very juicy , luscious words indeed . We were warned to keep our expectations low regarding the beach and the facilities we were staying at . Seeing the beach I grew up around , my expectations didn 't have much further to drop , and I wasn 't let down . This place is NICE . Granted , it 's not Hawaii or Destin or Cozumel , but it 's a beach . It 's equipped with blue water , a salty ocean breeze , and palm trees a - swayin ' . I can 't believe we get to spend the next 7 days here ! New Year 's Eve was cool . From our building 's balcony , we watched the activities on the beach , as the people lit many paper lanterns on fire , sending them into the air . There were fireworks , as well , of course , making it an even more beautiful view . After preparing for the new arrivals the next day , we spent New Year 's exploring a bit . We found a great coffee place , a not - what - I - was - expecting seafood restaurant ( although it was right on the beach , making for more beautiful views ) and a mall ! There was a Burger King in there , and when I bit into that long - awaited Whopper , I think I heard a choir of angels . We were also able to see Chronicles of Narnia . The movie was great , but the most memorable moment happened before the movie started . The country we were in is actually a kingdom . Before the movie started , during the previews , everyone in the theatre had to stand up to a salute of the king ! The city we are staying in is famous for its immorality , which is why all of our free time this week will be during the day . Unfortunately , we were out late last night , and were able to view the magnitude of the sins . On the way home , I reached a point where I just had to close my eyes because I was crying and my heart was broken . Sure , it 's one thing to hear about what goes on , but to see it with your own eyes is completely heartbreaking . To think all of the suffering , ridiculing , torturing , and dying our boss did for these people , and they have turned their backs on him . If only they would turn to him , he is waiting on pins and needles to forgive them and offer them eternity . It 's a love I don 't understand , a love only he could offer . So needless to say , I am not going out after dark again , and after only 2 days , he has shown me to be grateful for the modest city that he has placed us in for the next 2 . 5 years . There are several reasons we as a group took this trip : retreat , workshops , equipping , sharing , and governmental ( our visas say we have to leave the country every 6 months ) . I can 't tell you how great it has been to experience p & w in English , and to be able to understand the words from the encouraging speaker each day . Husband led the p & w time , and the room we were in was covered in tile , so we sounded great , like we were singing in a giant shower . This week was not only well - timed , but very well thought out , because I 'm so excited to get back to the mountains and work more with our people . The different workshops we 've had to choose from have been so helpful , and I 'm brimming with ideas to take back with me . Our day off ! As a group , we took a boat out to an island where there were many activities to do . We snorkeled , rode jet skis , rode on a banana boat , hung out on our boat 's decks , and swam in the ocean . One group of people decided to take a swim to the other side of the island , which was about a 45 minute swim . Several of us walked to where they 'd be swimming , which only took about 3 minutes . Our initial plan was to stand there in the water and shout as they all swam up , " What took you so long ? " But one of the guys saw some bamboo and string laying around , and suggested we make a boat . So the seven of us got to work , constructing a bamboo raft . About the time we saw the swimmers making their way over , the boat was finished , and we put it in the water to see if it would float . We flipped it right - side up and ta - da ! It floated ! We all cheered , and there were several boats of people around us who , unknowingly to us , had been watching us make the boat , and they all cheered too . Someone paddled the boat out to ' rescue ' the swimmers , but those guys were hard core and wanted to officially swim up on shore . We wanted to take our bamboo boat out to the real boat , which was on the other side of the island . The 7 of us hoisted the raft on our shoulders and walked over the island like a bunch of natives . All we were missing was some chanting and grunting . The real boat was a swim away , because it was too shallow for the boat to dock on the shore , so we pulled the raft up to the boat and docked it by tying one of the strings to a life preserver . There it sat all day , in its life saving glory . Posted by During some free time in the afternoon , we decided to go elephant trekking . A group of 10 of us found this place where you could ride elephants through a jungle . It was so much fun . Our elephant , Chong , was great . The ' driver ' would get off of Chong every now and then to smoke or take our picture , and Chong was so obedient . Our driver would grunt " Hah " and Chong would follow . While he was sitting on the elephant , the driver pulled leaves off of trees and made us this little grasshopper . I asked him how to say " grasshopper " in the language , which he told me , so every now and then , I 'd hold it up and say " Tikatin seedon " and the driver would laugh . After a while , all the drivers cheered and laughed when I said it , so I 'm thinking I was fooled , and Tikatin Seedon means something I would never say in English . After the ride , they took us to this gargantuan elephant who if you wanted to , would grab you in its trunk and lift you up several feet in the air , parallel to the ground . Who 's gonna pass that up ? Also , husband sat on this elephants tusks and was lifted off the ground . Fun stuff ! All in all , the trip was fantastic . As much as I loved eating steak and burgers , sipping a Vanilla Latte at Starbucks , or lounging at the beach with a book , I was ready to head back to our home . It was a great morale booster , and I feel that much more equipped for the job after taking several workshops . Posted by I 'm dying to post about our last couple of weeks , but we 're still stuck here in the capital trying to find a way back home . We 've been here since Sunday night ; it 's now Wednesday afternoon . Husband has spent 8 hours , stretched over 2 days , at the train station trying to get us tickets . Everything from them not letting us buy without our passports ( which has never been a requirement before , and a friend of ours was there on the same day and they didn 't ask for hers ! ) to the train being sold out to them not being able to guarantee a train will be running in a certain leg of the trip due to weather , has kept us from being able to leave . Finally , our tickets were delivered today , so we can head back tomorrow . We should be home tomorrow evening ( but in this country , you never know ) , and I can post about our adventures then . Between the four of us , we 've lived in 8 states and 3 different countries . We 've been married 11 years and moved 11 times , making me simultaneously long for roots while missing my former homes . I don 't feel exactly " right " anywhere . It 's okay though - God has used this to remind me that since our citizenship is in heaven , we know we 're not home yet !
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This " type " has one bit of truth which I find very fitting to myself : being an extroverted introvert . People tire me . They really do . Few people manage to give me energy , but for the most part every single one of them has some irritating quirks which sucks the life out of me like a leech . So for the last few weeks I 've been like a hermit : I go to class on Monday and Thursday … and then I head back home to my dog and cat , working on assignments , watching video series and reading a few things . I don 't " love reading " , by the way . " Reading " is not something you either love or hate . I like learning and I like good stories . If books are the best way to do these ( as opposed to , say , documentaries or DVDs ) then so be it . But every so often I would yearn to go out . I absolutely love being out at night at some place with my friends . I love it . Yet these friends which are " extroverts " ( so they say ) , are actually dead . They don 't want to do anything during the weak . They don 't go through trouble to do so . They just sit around at night playing RuneScape or watching TV . I just saw a picture of the Precious Friend ( see this post which has the same idea as this one ) , out at some campus residence event . Man that looks awesome ! At night , with people you know ! That 's just it , isn 't it ? The best thing I can imagine is such a night event , neither too cold nor too hot , with stalls and music and events … but full of people I know . How I wish I could be there now ! But I know tomorrow they are gonna tire me again . My friends , especially those at campus , absolutely fail to just realise my situation . They never seem to consider it : I am staying at home ( not at the flat anymore , although I still have access to it ) , driving to campus , and then after class driving back home . Yet then WHY when you know this do you want to grab a cup of coffee after class at the flat ? WHY do you think , after we negotiated at half past ten to meet at half past one , that I would wait for you ( because you forgot ) until 1 o ' clock before going to where ever ? WHY don 't you consider what I said about not wanting to drive in the dark , always taking your time , always wanting to go watch a movie at 3 o ' clock ? WHY when you know I 'm going to see someone else that day as well , do you just assume that I 'm only going to see you ? It reminds me of that one time at school , where on the Thursday I and a friend negotiated to visit each other the next day , and then the next day , without even him realising it , that friend visited another friend . Not because he was mad . But simply because he forgot . And you know , all of this caused me to lose a lot of loyalty for people . I mean the reason I 'm at home and not at the flat is because if I stay there I will have a class until 12 : 30 on Monday … and then stay at the flat and rot until Thursday 9 : 30 . In contrast at home I am , well at home . I have my pets , more privacy , my grandparents , my safety , etc . Posted on January 3 , 2017January 3 , 2017 by Ches You 're Laziness Makes You an Atheist I 've just woke up and I 'm still tired , but I 'm still thinking of this dream I had about this marvelous girl . Wow , was she amazing ! But that 's for another time . At 3 AM the Best Friend , whose Whatsapp notification is darn loud , messaged me twice . I 've just read the message . He referred to a video on religion and said that videos like these makes him himself defeated in his Christian faith . A part of me don 't care anymore , to be honest . I 've spent the last few months absorbed in Christian apologetics . From Craig , to Copan , to Qureshi , and Zacharias , I just can 't get enough . I 've been a born again Christian for a few years now and I used to believe in a young earth and King James Onlyism and all that . As I 've said in this post , last year a friend of mine became an atheist through a combination of evolution , Nietzsche and the new atheists like Hitchens . My lack of comprehensive answers drove me to search for good responses . And boy did I get good responses from the people I 've just mentioned ! But by then it was too late . I 've failed my friend because I was stupid and pathetic for believing in a young earth and all that jazz . I 'll explain this journey away from YEC and Kent Hovind in another post . I 've noticed during the last few years , that more often than not , when I send this Best Friend a link to an amazing video by one of these apologists , this friend of mine would either not have time , not have bandwidth or not have any desire to watch them . In short , because he 's lazy . I remember a few times where I mentioned a particularly insightful Bible verse at his home one day - one which can change his outlook on life , but he was kinda embarrassed to talk about it close to his brother . To state it clearly : he calls himself a Christian but he is too damn lazy to act like one . He wants to be a Christian , but he is in no mood to change his behaviour . He wants to debate God with atheists on YouTube from time to time , but he is too damn lazy to look up Christian videos on these topics , especially the ones I sent him . I remember talking to my grandfather about this . I predicted that while at the moment he is very unconcerned about apologetics , that there will come a time where he will watch a video or read something which will disturb him to the core and make him doubt and leave his faith . And why ? Because he was too lazy to care about it in the first place . Ja right . Hou op jok . Of te wel , hou op om jou eie leuens te glo . Jy dink jy mis my , maar jy doen nie . Ek het dit van te vore gesien en ek gaan nie weer vir dit val nie ; iemand wat my mis omdat sy terugdink aan ons tye saam net om te besef sodra ons mekaar sien dat sy my nie gemis het nie . En jy spesifiek : jou boyfriend het jou onlangs gelos en of jy dit besef of nie , jy dink nie helder nie . Jys ' n intelligente meisie , maar jys ook ' n emosionele meisie . Ek weet hoe dit is om te dink dat jy helder dink terwyl jy nie so dink nie . Jys eintlik in denial en op soek na ' n anker . Dan die volgende dag besef jy hoe emosioneel jy was en hoe jy oorreageer het . Dat jy my nie eintlik gemis het nie . Maar dans dit te laat . Dan het jy klaar als opgemors . Ja , maar as een keer die afgelope twee jaar was daar tye wat ek meer aan jou gedink het as wat gesond was . Albei kere was dit kort nadat hy jou gelos het . Want dan skielik is daar niks in my pad nie . En die pyn wat hy jou veroorsaak maak dat ek net soveel meer vir jou omgee . Maar eks nie van plan om weer my hart bo my kop te sit nie . Dit draai nooit goed uit as ek dit doen nie . Nee . Ek het my afstand gehou want ek weet jou situasie is tydelik . Dat beide jy en ek emosioneel is . Dat die Liefde geduldig is . So hoekom jaag ? The last couple of days I realised a distinct feature of myself . The ability to see in a person what others do not . Not positive things , but disappointment . The ability to see how a person feels . When he invited us he asked us who 's going to sleep over . A few said yes , including his best friend . Not wanting to leave my mother alone at home I decided against it . At the party , however , they decided to drop it . He already had all the stretchers and blankets necessary for a sleepover . I could see the disappointment on his face . Don 't those fools realise this is his 18th Birthday ? When I asked his best friend why he won 't stay he simply said he didn 't know . What the hell ? I tried to put myself in his situation . " Yeah , we 're gonna have a great party and a great sleepover . A typical boys only 18th birthday sleepover with video games , music , snooker , whatever . " When I finally left I simply texted him and said : " Thank you for the party . You 're a great guy and I hope someone stays . " Just so he knows someone cares . The next day : Oh , his going to someone else . No apologies . No excuse . He simply forgot . It would bother others if that person were doing it on purpose . But what bothers me is his strong detachment from reality . The fact that he does it without realising it . This year as well . We 're gonna go to my house and from there to the park nearby . But he first wanted to go to his house ( about a mile from mine ) to get dressed . So we did . In his house he got dressed and then afterwords he did a few things on Clash of Clans . He asked me frequently if I was hurried . I replied ( with what I thought the right answer ) " no " . I mean it 's half past three . I have to be home at 5 . I wanted at least 2 hours with him doing what we came to do . But a few minutes won 't matter , right ? ( One personality aspect of myself which people have to know is my patience : I do not mind waiting . What I do mind is wasting my time . Like when you wait for someone , but that person is taking his time talking to someone else . That bothers me . ) He proceeded to then get food and ate it while he watched T . V . ( some comedy prank show ) . After he finished he continued watching . Some 10 minutes later I had damn enough . I got up . I told him I didn 't come here to watch bloody T . V . ( I did state it more tactfully , without angering him ) . I then left and walked 1 . 5 km uphill on my own . An hour and a half of my life wasted . My day wasted . I could have done so much more . I could have finished my home work and then go to the park on my own . But now I can 't . For a while now I 've seen this in my best friend . Everyone knows him by " The Best Friend " [ real name removed from this old post for anonymity ] . Just The Best Friend . We 've been calling him that for years . But over the years , as I 've watched him change into a different man I 've seen a disturbing trend . For the past year he has been more depressed and more volatile . More caught up in his circumstances . Caught up in himself . Nobody calls him The Other Name . Not even his mother or brothers . Yet he puts " The Other Name " first . That 's interesting . He wants to be The Other Name . He doesn 't want to be The Best Friend . This got me thinking about how some people subconsciously desire change . Not everyone , but a lot . They are tired of their life and they want to change over . Fresh . A new beginning . This is especially true online . Take a look at your friends and how they react and what they say . Then take a look at them online . On WhatsApp or Facebook . Totally different . They are a lot more frank . A lot more willing to speak their minds . But in person ; quiet and reserved . This sounds good . But it 's awful . How they are online is not how they are , but how they want to be . How they are in person are who they are , but not how they want to be . Captain America , Iron Man , Green Lantern , Man of Steel , Thor . What do they have in common ? They were all watched by me and my friend , together . Since we were 12 we were the best of friends . We played PlayStation 2 , we frequently visited each other and we were inseparable as best friends . He was , in primary school , always a slightly underachiever academically while I was one of the " smart " boys . It 's difficult to express the kind of friendship we had . We were loyal and we never fought each other . We always remained close , even when we absorbed a new guy , The Best Friend into our friendship fold in our last year of primary school ( 13 years old ) . We were a great group and our new friend made our group even more extraordinary . I was the obedient , smart , academic guy . My Friend the underachieving , yet very loyal , short - tempered one and our new friend the hyper active ADD joker who was hated by the other guys , but adored by the girls ( something I will discuss in a later post ) . I remember how my best birthday ever was not with a lot of people , but with my Friend playing Portal 2 . It was awesome . It 's just the game but we enjoyed the hell out of it . The mind bending two - player puzzle had us scratching our heads . What really showed his loyalty was during the time I had a halo - frame on ( Google it ) he still frequently visited . I could barely speak , yet we talked . That he did while The Best Friend didn 't come even once . The fact that he visited numerous times really showed his character . I remember early January / February me , him , The Best Friend and another addition to the fold , Waldo and some others sitting at a table at school . He wanted to go fetch something and me and Waldo wanted to go with him . But to my surprise he was irritatingly telling me to stay , while he and Waldo went . I was shocked and I would 've forgot it had it not happened again and again . Later on when our group merged with other people , we barely even talked . I always thought we were close together yet I had to hear from The Best Friend that he already slept with a girl who I , ironically , had a crush on for 3 years in primary school and that he already told The Best Friend about the girl he is in love with at the moment . Why tell him ? And not me ? The sad part is that when I realised how far away we 've gone , I decided not to stop it . I didn 't purposely ignore him , but I didn 't seek for occasion to talk to him . We 've grown separate and our lifestyle 's and personalities are different . So long , dear friend . Posted on November 1 , 2016November 1 , 2016 by Ches People can 't get past their perceptions It 's 10 : 30 PM and I really wanted to tuck in early so I don 't waste away my day sleeping . Yet when the True Friend sent me a certain message , I couldn 't help but write this while sitting on my bed , cat licking herself at my side with the dog lying dead on the ground . There was a bit of a storm outside , but at the moment everything is , as we say in Afrikaans , doodstil ( deadsilent ) . One wall which I 've noticed for years which everyone has , is the wall of perceptions . We meet someone new and for a while we observe that person . Then , when we think we have known them long enough , we stop observing that person . We create a sort of profile of that person - never open to change - which we open each time we think about them . For instance , Jack might be a rather silent guy with an interest in astronomy and a lesser interest in geography . You noticed that the few times you asked him to go out with you , he declined . So you think he is probably a shy fellow - and perhaps he is . A few years later Jack has changed . His primary interests are now apologetics and philosophy . He has a new leash on life : he likes to go out to new places and to be with friends . You do not notice how drastically he has changed . Sure you might see him reading a book on apologetics once in a while , but in your eyes he is still the same old shy Jack . You never bothered to reconsider your original perception of him . Hell , a few times he told you about this or that place , or this and that friend , yet you never click that now he actually does like to go out . People never change , you know . This is my situation . In fact , I half unconsciously viewed myself as Jack as I typed the previous paragraph . At school , up to around 16 , I was a genuinely shy guy . I always studied and I always obeyed the teachers . At 16 I had a major operation which had one effect of eliminating my shyness , yet I still remain rather silent not out of shyness , but rather because I realised four things : One , I 'm still not as clear as I should be vocally . Second , people just don 't understand me . Whether I speak , or write , or whatever … they just don 't understand me . Third , I cannot speak clearly in loud places . Fourth , I love to go out with people I know ( whether individually or in big groups ) , but I don 't like going out in big groups with people I don 't know . I don 't like it solely because I am most comfortable when I know people . That way I can have meaningful discussions and not just small - talk . For a while ( from 16 to 18 ) I was a bit of a legalist in my Christian views . I got saved at 16 and I think I took it a bit too far in that my two best friends started to get the wrong idea that I am telling them they are doing things which are wrong because I 'm cold when in fact it was because I really cared . This is a significant point which I 'll touch on later . Since last year I 've been studying international politics at university . This year the Best Friend and I stay ( ed ) together at a flat near varsity ( though he goes to a technikon ) . Last year I was really holed up in my room - cut off from everyone . This year I wanted to explore , but as I didn 't have a car it was a bit difficult . More than once I talked about this coffee place or that pizza place or this restaurant or the museum or a park and so many times did I tell him of movies coming out that we should watch … yet rarely did we go out . Once we went to a mall , but he was so hasty to get back . Only at the end of the year did he suggest we try out that pizza place , but at that moment I was broke . Instead , when we did eat out it was always at the same damn place he liked . Before I continue I need to sketch a brief account of his personality . Describing him is a very difficult thing so I 'll stick to only the points relevant to this post . He , along with my other best friend , always talked about going out ( though they rarely did ) and always said things other guys would say . I recall how in school they said I should " get out more " and " live a little " . He would say how he would do all of this or that on vacation , but the one time he went with me to the coast he always slept until late , watched DOTA videos on YouTube constantly and disliked being at the beach . Now I love them both so don 't think I 'm insulting them , but that vacation showed me that in terms of being alive and " going out " he is a hypocrite ( the same happened at different vacations with him ) . Are you beginning to see the problem of the perceptions here ? In both the cases of the vacation and our flat ? In his eyes I am the " dead " one while he is " outgoing " . Yet that 's obviously not the case . The exact reverse is true . A short while ago I played Counter Strike with my other best friend . He wanted to play a competitive match . I don 't like them because of their seriousness and having to talk to serious unknown people especially as I have a slight speech defect . When I declined he said that I should " meet more people " and " come out more " . Then I thought , he is the one stuck at his mother 's home studying a pathetic diploma on digital art at a private college while I 'm at university , about to go sleep over at a friend 's house so we can go watch a live show of Bethel , buying and making my own food , going on errands with a female friend of mine through the neighbourhood , and having serious dicussions on the existence of Good with an atheist friend of mine . And that does not even include some " lesser " friends . But I should " get out more " and " meet new people " . Perceptions , damn it . I realised that every time he asked me what I was doing I replied " studying " , " reading " or " wasting time " . So in his head he got the idea that I was locked up all day . The same applies to the True Friend . The only time he sees me is when I 'm in my room in the flat . I finish way earlier than he does so I 'm almost always there when he is . And obviously neither is he aware of my activities on campus . Slightly off topic but on topic , the last year or so my faith in Christ has become more real and more … patient . I 'm more empathetic , less legalistic ( though still committed to Right and Wrong ) and generally more helpful rather than bashful . Now keep in mind that the True Friend is also a born - again Christian , though very lazy in this regard - never willing to change or seek out answers . Yet ever time I would try to steer a discussion with him to the topic of God , I can sense the fact that he still sees me as that legalist of yesteryear . As some Pharisee who acts all holy with some spiritually condescending view of him . And that is not the case at all . You may or may not be aware of this , but there have been enormous student protests in South Africa and as a result my classes have been cancelled for a month . As a result I am at home while the True Friend is at the flat as his classes restarted this week . Yesterday he said that he might want to stay at his aunt 's house as he does not want to stay there alone . Tonight I received a message " What are you doing tonight ? " . After I said that I 'm not doing much , he replied by sending a photo and explaining that he is at a bar nearby the flat with " friends " . This made me think about two things , or three actually . One , I might be totally wrong but I think he is thinking about how he is " getting out " while I was always " boring " , but I might be wrong here so I won 't hold imaginary ideas against him . Secondly , what was he trying to prove ? That he has a life while I do not ( not that I agree ) ? Thirdly , who the hell are those friends and why does he call them " friends " ? The only friends he has over there are two or three of his fellow students at his college , far away from that bar . Also , why tell me that they are his friends ? Is he afraid that I will think he is going out of boredom and therefore I need to know that he is really just going with " friends " . Or is he trying to say in a more general sense that he has friends I 'm not aware of ? I noticed how he likes to purposely hide things so that when I pique him on it he can show I am so totally wrong on who he is . It is so damn hard to get through this wall of perception they have of me . And I 'm totally aware of the fact that I also have some on them - you might even notice some of mine in this post . The difference is that I 'm aware of the fact . Why can 't they just see me for who I am ? Posted on October 9 , 2016 by Ches This Disturbing Friend Needs a Hug Today I 'm gonna talk a bit about Michael ( not his true name ) . Michael is a slightly short guy , but well built . He has blue eyes , neat blond hair and he wears glasses . In school he used to read a lot of novels , such as Percy Jackson , and he liked to play cheap games on the tablet . After school he went to stay with his grandmother while he worked first as a waiter and then afterward as a type of clerk . This is my superficial description of him . In school he was a bit bullied emotionally . Our school didn 't really have the normal beat - em - up kind of bullies as almost all of the boys knew each other and respected each other . Yet it seems that some guys never truly respected him . They made jokes which were a bit too mean in my opinion . I wasn 't his closest friend , but I considered him my closest friend after my two best friends . There was my two best friends , a semi - best friend , Michael , two or three other dudes , then the rest . However we had a lot of classes together so we talked a lot and during exams he would come over to my house where we would play Civilization 5 . During that time I gathered that his family was slightly disconnected . His mother was a bit too harsh on him . The fact that he slacked off at his schoolwork didn 't help . After school , as I 've said , he moved in with his grandmother as his parents wanted him to pay rent . Understandable but harsh . His grandmother isn 't much better . She treats him as a bit of a child and they always have a bit of attention . When he came to sleep over , she would talk me as though she is leaving him in my care . I mean come on , he was 19 already . Keep in mind that he could not afford a car , so he was totally depended on her . She wasn 't all bad ; she would drop him off at the mall or my house or whatever . She was just a tad bit too controlling . During this time I noticed a disturbing characteristic of him : he is always looking for love . This would be okay if he wasn 't constantly befriending schoolgirls from our previous school on Facebook . If he wasn 't always messaging them and trying to get in a relationship with them . To make it worse , it 's not like they were only 18 while he was 19 - I can to an extent understand that - but rather 16 or 17 . That 's a bit young . I mean they are still in the school life : homework , sport , exams , parties , etc . Last year he had one girlfriend which he met once in person after which they hooked up … but only on whatsapp . They never saw each other except for that one instance where she visited him while he was in hospital . When he came over he would often be messaging her as we chatted ( ? ) or played a game . At times he would even call her and set her on speaker phone . I noticed how he was often being a bit domineering and guilt - tripping her . He would be like " Oh so that 's how it is " or " Sorry I couldn 't do that " and she would fall for it . He also tried to do the same with me , accusing me of never making time to chat with him . Saying things like " Yes we could 've if you invited me " and stuff like that . To an extent a valid criticisms , but I saw through this controlling urge of his . This year he improved a little a bit . He discovered … on Facebook … another school girl whom he started to date . But at least this time they often met in person , so I was happy for him . Needless to say they also broke up after a while . At one time he invited me go to a cinema with him and four or five school female friends . Initially I said yes , but then I thought : I 'm a twenty year old dude studying at varsity and now I want to go watch a movie with a bunch of 17 year olds ? A bit creepy ? So I dropped that . And here I end . I have this awful trait of just simply forgetting about people . I can only focus on two or three special people at a time and by the time that I had more … time … we hadn 't spoken in months . And here we are . Writing this just made me remember his current state and actually made me miss him , especially as I think I was his best friend - I 'm an awful man . I hope all is well with him . Posted on August 9 , 2016 by Ches Perceptions - Part 1 While thinking about a topic for what I want to write , I came up with the word " perceptions " . That word is too deep for a mere rant . So I 'll have two parts to this post . Part 1 is a rant concerning a friend , and part 2 will be more about people generally . A few minutes ago I was watching 7de Laan , an Afrikaans soapie . It is actually getting good , something which hasn 't happened in a decade . While I watched I got a message from The Best Friend telling me that he has a female friend which is a pagan and that she worships the goddess ( or is it god ? ) named Nyx . Now paganism is not my thing - yet . At the moment I 'm delving into ancient Greek religion . Only after I 've mastered that and gained an understanding of other ancient religions will I give more thought to paganism . But I know G . K . Chesterton in numerous books , specifically The Everlasting Man , talked about how paganism is a corruption of mythology . Unfortunately I have weak ability to remember things I 've read . But anyway , I didn 't know . So he said that Nyx is the goddess of the night . Oh , Night . That beautiful , deceptive , yet peaceful time of day . One Greek goddess ( whose name I forgot [ I told you I have a weak memory ] ) is also associated with the night . Being both beautiful and promiscuous . You may have realised how I keep delving off point here . I don 't mind . I just want to speak my thoughts . I always associate seemingly unrelated things with a topic at hand . Then I asked him , " How do you meet such weird people ? " . Now here comes the topic of this post into context : perceptions . This best friend of mine has a very limited view of my life . In fact , I know this sounds a bit arrogant , but no one knows the whole part of me . I feel as though I 'm some 8 - sided , multidimensional being and everyone only ever sees one side . Let me give a few examples . The other best friend - the " Braai Friend " - frequently played video games with me online during weeknights . What he doesn 't know is that I only played to spend some social time with him . That I consider it a necessary - though admittedly fun and somewhat addictive - waste of time which I 'm willing to sacrifice to spend some time with him . Yet in his mind he believes I am a frequent gamer . The sad part is that this is , in a way , a self - fulfilling belief : playing games with him does make me more interested in games . That 's why today - after weeks , after spending time with him and the Best Friend playing games during the weekend , I played a bit of CS : GO by myself . Do you see the thing here ? He thinks I am what I am not . The second example : the best female friend I got , on the blog I call her The Precious Friend , is a more emotional being . Because of that I tend to be more emotional with her . To talk about people and problems and deep Christian ideals - though never intellectually . Our conversations always have a tinge of sincerity and … emotion . She in turn sees my more caring part and assumes that I do not like to go to a club or a party or whatnot . Now this is slightly true : I do not like to be in the presence of too many strangers . Yet I LOVE going out with my friends to chat or see a movie or whatever . A part of me NEEDS it . So she almost never invites me . She doesn 't get the whole part of me . Yet another example : my best friend on Campus … what shall I call him here ? … David . I 'll just call him David . He is an extrovert and an extremely friendly guy . Yet he is way more emotional than I am and in some aspects he is slightly more childish , especially around his parents , yet he is more grown up than I am when it comes to engaging the world ( he is currently doing kickboxing and tutoring and going to parties and who knows what else ) . He , in turn , thinks I love to go out and meet strangers and socialise . Yet again , slightly true . I like to go out , but like I said the " strangers " part bothers me . He also only catches one side of me - a true side , but not the whole of me . There are two parts to him : Who he IS , and who he THINKS he is . You may think it unfair of me to assume that I know him better than he knows himself . Perhaps . But for this post I 'll assume I know him better than he knows himself . Perhaps I 'm arrogant and wrong , or perhaps I have a sense of judging people and I am right . Who knows ? He is the kind of guy with an above normal intelligence when it comes to questioning dogmas like feminism and atheism and " normal " people behaviour . But he won 't assume the same skepticism of his own beliefs . He is the kind of guy that really cares for a girl and likes love songs , but also frequently thinks and talks about sex . I remember when he met The Precious Friend ( who is also a devout believer in Christ ) he talked about sex positions . I mean come on . He is the kind of guy which is friendly and will offer you coffee or cook for you . He will watch scary YouTube videos with you , or feminist cringe compilations or funny stuff . I 'll use his weekly routine to make his character clearer : During the week he and I stay at a flat in Pretoria which is kinda a student residence . In the morning he will drive early to class . From what I 've heard , there he chats with two friends and he might go somewhere with them during the day . When he comes back he immediately switches on his computer whereafter he will begin to play DOTA or other games until he either goes to sleep or goes on YouTube . This is important : he plays games A LOT . I have to throw something about myself in here again . So many times I 've wished we could go out . You see I don 't have a car and public transport is non - existent to so I 'm stuck with him . So many times I 've wanted to go eat at this pizza shop nearby , or go to that huge mall to watch a film or go eat something , to perhaps visit a museum . For months I 've thought about how I would join a tennis or table - tennis club . I would go out and pick up David or The Precious Friend and just go somewhere . While I 'm stuck at the flat I try to utilise my time . " Using time effectively " in my definition means gaining new knowledge . So I would either watch debates on Christianity or immigration or whatever , or I would read and read and read . I would read books by G . K . Chesterton or C . S . Lewis or classical books like The Iliad and Dostoevsky . In my eyes playing games by yourself is an extreme waste of time . I 'm not against it . It really is fun . I just feel as though I am called upon to use this precious few years at university to gain knowledge so I can become someone . You might think I am unfair for only accounting for what happens during the week and not the weekend . You would be wrong . This weekend I spend a while and a night there along with him and the Braai Friend . There we … played games . CS : GO , Star Wars , DOTA , League of Legends , etc . We did go out to get a pizza and we watched a part of Brother Bear . Besides that there was this one moment when they wanted to jump into the pool - even though it is winter . But really , the games are the main focus . How I wished we could go to the mall and watch a movie ! Especially Lights Out ! Hell , I like it if the three of us are at some place with some mission , especially at night . And this isn 't just a once off thing . The Braai Friend , with the exception of last week , visited him for the last 5 weekends . Furthermore , from what I 've heard , things are usually the same each weekend . His mother provides the food and never bothers him . The only thing which sometimes interrupts him is his dad who might want him to throw away the trash at a garbage dump or to help him in the garden . Who he think he is , is a lot different to who he is . He sees himself as outgoing . Someone who likes to attend parties and to meet new people . Someone who will play a fool at a beach by playing games or chatting up girls or doing crazy things . Yet at the same time he wants to be a " mysterious , silent " type of guy . To give him credit he can be sociable if he wants to be and he can be crazy in the presence of the Braai Friend . But he 's also much calmer and more intellectually deeper around me ; we often discuss deeper things in life . Last year gave two good examples . The first was when I went with him to what is a dam but also a sort of resort . There we went on the boat or swam or fished . I remember how lazy he was in the morning . I wanted to go for walks around the resort , but he would prefer to play pokemon on his gameboy . During the day , and especially at night , his younger brother and I would want to go swim at the swimming pools where there are other people and ice cream and life , but he wouldn 't be in the mood . Don 't get me wrong : we swam a lot . My point is that I wanted to " go out " way more than he did . A week later we went to Margate , a famous holiday beach destination during the summer . But this time he came with my family . Once again , he would sleep until very late - once he slept until 1PM . Then we would walk a short distance on the rocks or walk to the Margate beach . At the latter place he was frequently the first one to want to go back . When we did , he would sit the whole time and watch professional DOTA players on YouTube on his cellphone . Again , don 't get me wrong . I still enjoyed it immensely . It was great to have him there , especially when we went for walks at night . I also miss watching a scary movie on the laptop with at that place . My point is the same as the first one : I wanted to get out more often than he did . Finally I come back to that conversation on the goddess girl where he said : " I come out of my house " . Do you understand it now ? He , and the Braai Friend ( and I 'll get to his hypocrisy on this subject another day ) still see me as the one who doesn 't like to go out . Who doesn 't like to have fun . Who reads all the time ( although I struggle to read a book in two weeks ) . Who doesn 't like parties or eating out . In this aspect I can only say : they are me and I am them . During the week when he leaves I am usually still sleeping . When he comes back I am reading a book . He does not see the part of me going to campus , having political discussions with this friend who became an atheist . He doesn 't see how I 'm watching these debates about God 's existence so I can save that friend 's soul . He doesn 't see me chatting with the Precious Friend about life and death and emotion . He doesn 't know about how David and I would go eat a pizza at this place or go have a coffee at that one . Yes , of course you do . Of course you do . Just keep on believing that . Keep on confusing the man you are and the one you think you are . Maybe in Part 2 I 'll give my reasons for why he believes he is someone he is not and why he keeps on believing I am who I am not . P . S . I know the normal reader will , after reading this post , yell out to me " Hypocrite ! You complain about your friends having the wrong perception of you , yet you only have YOUR perceptions to go by ! " . I understand . I do . You are right . The difference is merely that , unless I 'm delusional ( and I very well could be ) , I am right and they are wrong , because I am constantly aware of what they do and what they say while they are not even aware of themselves .
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Author Archive Broken Links vs . Ties That Bind A few days ago I was rereading an old post which contained a video I 'd linked to . Upon clicking the video , I was disappointed to learn the video had been removed - I could no longer view it 's contents . I know there are countless other instances like this , each time leaving the reader ( and writer ) with that initial pang of disappointment of no longer having access to the linked content . It made me wonder - why on earth would I put any stock whatsoever in the fact that the video would be there forever and ever amen ? It 's a LINK for crying out loud . I was basically relying on someone else 's post to always be there on a whim , whenever I desired to see it . Anyone who knows me knows I always find a way to compare stuff like this to real life . I know there is nothing in life that 's a sure bet ; it 'd be stupid to think otherwise . There are , however , certain behaviors and situations we can pay attention to in order to better protect ourselves against that ' pang of disappointment ' when we do come across those broken links in life . The ties that bind , though … now that 's some dependable stuff . The ties that bind are rock solid through thick and thin , no matter how vicious the storm it 's weathering at the time is . The ties that bind will not jump ship when times get tough - they bind together even tighter . The ties that bind have unfailing love , devotion and respect . They rise in the morning knowing no matter what the day holds , they will do what they wholeheartedly believe to be the right thing . The ties that bind are completely equal in their endeavors … never unbalanced . The ties that bind are the secure threads that keep you dry as it 's pouring rain outside . The ties that bind safeguard the well being of loved ones with those very threads . August 14 , 2015 | Categories : Love , Marriage | Tags : life , Lifestyle , Links , Love , Marriage , random , Random Thoughts , Reflections , relationships , thoughts , Ties | 5 Comments Sleeping Naked I absolutely love my sleep - even more so the older I get . Isn 't it funny how sleep seemed like punishment when we were kids , but all the sudden changes to a gift as we get older ? Life 's just weird like that . When I was younger I always slept IN something . During the era I grew up , young girls always wore gowns . I loved my gowns . Through the years I had many of them , some of which my mother even made for me . One of my fondest childhood memories involved such a nightgown . Courtesy of my uncle - my mother , grandmother and I had a week in a private oceanfront house at the end of the beach . While under her watchful eye , my mother let me walk around the big low - tide beach under a big bright full moon . The beach was very private and I was the only one on it that night . The moon was huge and full , and it felt like daylight on the beach - only with the moon instead . To this very day , the moon has never been more beautiful to me than it was that night . From my teenage years on , it was usually just an oversized t - shirt and shorts that I slept in . If it was really cold out , pajama pants would probably come into play . I guess the point of all this is … I just can 't remember a time when I didn 't wear some form of clothing to bed . The mindset I had just couldn 't fathom not wearing clothing to bed . If it were ever considered a hangup of mine - let 's just say that little ditty is out the window now . For the past 5 - 6 years , nothing has ever felt more natural than sleeping naked . I don 't know if I can explain why exactly , but I 'll give it a whirl . It just feels healthy . My skin feels cool all night , as opposed to being oppressed with outerwear . Since I take my showers at night , it feels even better getting into bed clean . Sleeping naked feels natural … and free . More than anything else , that 's what it is - I feel free . I actually sleep better and more soundly than I ever have before . I believe there to be a multitude of other advantages to sleeping naked , suffice it to say I won 't list them here . 🙂 Let 's just say everything I 've referenced so far has to do with flying solo . If you have a significant other , there are many added benefits of sleeping bare . I guess the only drawbacks would be a break - in , fire , or other such sort of calamity - for these , I like to think I 've planned ahead as much as possible and taken some necessary precautions . I can report I 've sneaked around in the dark naked with a loaded weapon before when I heard something outside … but that 's a whole other post altogether . All things considered , as I look back it kinda makes me sad that I 've missed out on sleeping naked my entire adult life . Looks like I 've got some lost time to make up for . August 5 , 2015 | Categories : Health , Opinion , Thoughts | Tags : life , Naked , opinion , Personal , random , Random Thoughts , relationships , Sleep , thoughts | 7 Comments Tips on buying a new car at the best price Let me preface this by saying I 'm no expert . I mean seriously , I 'm no expert by a huge landslide . With that said , I recently had the need to purchase a new car - and thought I 'd share my experience and findings with all of you . I have to give credit to my boss for my prize of getting the most car for my money . I 'd considered myself fairly savvy before when it came to big purchases , but apparently I wasn 't . Without his valuable advice , I 'd have likely been taken advantage of . First , know the vehicle you 're looking for , as well as the highest - end budget you are willing to go . These are two very important steps you need to have already decided . Once you know these two things , schedule a test drive at a dealership . Let them know up front you 're not talking numbers on the day of your test drive , and hold fast to this . They 'll try to make a deal with you that day anyway , but hold your ground and repeat this out loud to them as many times as needed . It 's just a test - drive , after all . When it comes to a car purchase , the less personal info you divulge to the salesman prior to getting your best price - the better for you . You ' don 't know ' if you 're trading in when asked . You 're ' not sure ' about the money you 'll put down . Do make sure they 're aware you 're in absolutely no hurry to make a purchase ( even if you are ) . Never tell them the highest you 're willing to go in price - they 'll run with this number until the end if you do . Constantly put it out there that the best bottom line price is the winner , regardless of which dealership . Make all these things part of your religion and stick with it . Okay , so you 've test driven the car you want , and hopefully love it . If not - keep doing your research until you find ' the one ' . Next , go to www . cars . com - a simple , user - friendly site that lets you key in the make , model and year vehicle you 're looking for . It even allows you to do an advanced search to include options on the car that are important to you . This website really is a handy little tool . Expand your radius as large as you 're comfortable with , I chose 100 miles . As you begin your search , it will bring up all the available vehicles at the dealerships within that radius , also listing their price . This is where it can get a little tricky . Once you nail down a group of a couple to several cars , make note of the dealership the vehicle is listed at . You can use a new tab to go to that dealership , leaving the previous cars . com one up for reference . I personally made the decision to handle everything online , and only visit the dealership twice . My first visit was for the initial test - drive … the last visit happened when I sealed the deal . That second and final visit would only happen once I had my bottom - line and OTD ( out the door ) price . You should request two prices … the lowest bottom line without taxes , etc . , and the total with taxes etc . ( OTD ) price . Again , explore all your options - do not commit or ' side ' with one single dealership . Remember it 's the lowest price that wins your business . Know your rebate options . You don 't have to discuss them immediately , but it 's a good idea to research them and have the info in your back pocket to pull out once you start getting bottom - line pricing . Oftentimes the dealership will apply these rebates to get your bottom line price , so it 's good to know them beforehand as well as the price you 're expecting . Just like dating , when it comes to dealerships you 're probably gonna kiss a lot of frogs . I did give most of them my cell number , but remained adamant about the majority of communication being done via email . Know in advance there will be some dealerships who simply refuse to do this . These dealerships don 't want you to have anything in writing for reference later . Can 't say it loud enough - DUMP THESE DEALERSHIPS . And if you don 't like the feeling you 're getting from a salesman , or feel they 're being rude or condescending , DUMP THEM . It 's totally your right . Wait it out . Seriously . The more time you have , the better . After a month of working on it ( a little under a week with this particular dealership ) , one Saturday evening my deal finally came . If you 've done your homework and put the time in on your purchase , all I can say is you 'll know your deal when you see it . My stomach started doing little flips inside because I knew I couldn 't leave this one sitting . And , I had it all in writing . I got a Ford Escape Titanium . It 's way more car than I ever expected , at far below the cost of others out there like it . A salesman at another dealership kept telling me I had to give up options to get a lower price . By then I knew what I wanted , and this left me feeling cheated . He would never give me a bottom - line price , either - just danced around it . So guess what ? I dumped him . This baby is L - O - A - D - E - D . Leather , heated seats , auto - start , double moonroof , rearview camera , larger wheels , dual exhaust turbo - boosted , intelligent access display , premium Sony sound system - heck y ' all , tons more I won 't bore you with . It 's more than I need for sure , but for the price … what would you do ? I 've gotta give props to Keith Hawthorne Ford of Belmont , who went above and beyond to do what a lot of other dealerships loudly proclaim they wish to do - which is earn my business . Just like anything else in life though , words mean very little to me . Actions , however , mean everything . May 4 , 2015 | Categories : Automobiles | Tags : Cars , Decisions , life , Purchases , thoughts , Vehicles | 3 Comments It 's Alive … It 's Spring . And I 'm starting to feel alive again . Perhaps you 've heard of the depression that ails certain people when the depths of winter befalls us . It 's called Seasonal Affective Disorder , or more appropriately termed , SAD . A few years ago I started tracking when my own symptoms start and stop . Turns out I meet pretty much every criteria for the diagnosis of SAD . Some day I hope to relocate to a place where the sun warms it year - round . I need sunlight . And heat . It 's just easy . Less clothing , less laundry . No clunky coats to hunt down and keep track of . Shoes don 't hurt my feet anymore because I 'm wearing flip - flops , which I 'd wear year - round if I could . No more getting up ½ hour earlier to pre - crank and de - ice my car . Oh and if your car is anything like mine , the doors often freeze shut so I have to play ice - melt detective before I 'm able to even climb in and crank it . Once - barren tree limbs look stunning with their brand - spanking - new green growth . It seems every piece of our surroundings breathes new life . We 'll see our neighbors again for cookouts and socializing . Before long our pool will be open and weekends will be full of love , laughter and longer days … the songs of frogs and insects will ring late into the sultry hot nights . Fresh avocados , strawberries and tomatoes will be abundant for outdoor enjoyment . And the colors , the colors , the beautiful colors . April 7 , 2015 | Categories : Seasons , Thoughts , Weather | Tags : 2015 , Depression , Heat , Love , Spring , Summer , Warmth , Weather | 2 Comments Escaping a Toxic Environment A loved one in my life has been going through a lot lately . Honestly , so much has come to light the past week that my head is still spinning . Not only was I unaware of just how bad her own situation was , I was also in the dark about the toxicity of the conditions under which she has had to live . The everyday home life that 's supposed to be a safe place … a refuge . This morning , I ran across an article I can only describe as one of the best published articles I 've ever read . Not only is it well - written - it delves deep down into the crevices of certain ' toxic environments ' we sometimes find ourselves in , exposing unspoken facets of unhealthy and even hellish habitats . After reading it ( twice ) , I simply couldn 't continue on with my day without sharing it with all of you . We 've all been in them . Situations so dire we lose hope , becoming the very person we pitied , dreaded , swore we 'd never become . We talk of an exit like a dream scenario : a child running away with the circus , an adult winning the lotto and immediately quitting their job ( not to mention the detailed disbursement of riches : 10 percent to charity , 10 to parents , 10 to splurge , 20 for dream home , 50 in savings ) . But somehow , we can 't seem to envision a world in which we get there . Capable , otherwise strong , able - bodied beings paralyzed by fear , believing the hype , fearing the backlash . But while unhealthy intimate unions can wreak havoc on the psyche and may inform the way in which we treat others , it 's usually an insular thing . Group dysfunction , however , is far - reaching and often much more dangerous . They say there 's safety in numbers , but there 's also destruction . My first experience with toxic circles began like most - in middle school . Her name was " Shannon . " Up until she arrived , we were a blissful , naïve little bunch . Most of us had grown up together , performed in dance recitals , shared many a sleepover and were on track to ride out our middle and high school years together , tight as ever . Then she showed up . Within weeks , we turned on each other . Shannon decided who was in and who was out . One day you were popular and pretty , the next you were a pariah , with no warning , no bearing on your behavior or actions , simply her whim . She had the power and she abused it . Heavily . If you didn 't agree with her , didn 't laugh at her jokes at the expense of others or talk trash about your friends , you were her next target , and God bless you , because her bad side was everyone else 's backside . You were ostracized . No one would face or acknowledge you despite it having been done to them the week before - how horrific it felt , how they were raised , how much they knew it was wrong . They were just thrilled to be accepted again and did whatever it took to stay there , in her good - albeit evil - graces . Shannon transferred before high school , but it was too late . The damage was done . She came , she terrorized , she left . We were never the same . It began in middle school . It should have ended there too . But we all know , sadly , that 's often not the case . I had a few more experiences through college and post but , thankfully , I was experienced enough to avoid the drama , speak up for my friends and myself and maintain some shred of dignity . Since Shannon , I 've made a conscious effort to surround myself with trustworthy , unconditional , loyal and uneasily - influenced friends , so it wasn 't until I entered the working world that the toxicity returned . Despite the professional setting , those with power and plenty on their plates , those who know better are often caught up in office drama , choosing sides and spewing names . Bullies come in all shapes and sizes . They also manifest in all ages and professions . Just like middle school , in the corporate world there is a cool crowd with a penchant for hazing . And although the behavior is similar , the ability to remove oneself from it is likely harder . After all , beyond your reputation , your paycheck , career and livelihood are also at stake . As a newbie , you 're tested , humiliated and alienated , but you suck it up and trudge on . Eventually you earn your place as newer souls are indoctrinated . There 's a level of pride and confidence that comes with seniority , being a veteran . You 're finally accepted and , initially , that 's enough for you . But eventually that too wanes , and you realize how silly it all is . You realize who you 've become and , disgusted with yourself , start to break away from the group and forge your own identity . But it doesn 't come without a price . As soon as they smell indifference , independence , you 're a target again . To blend in , strike a balance between individual and included , you laugh at the occasional joke , roll the obligatory eye , knowing it 's wrong . With each disparaging remark you champion , a bit of you erodes . This is not who you are , who you want to be . You are better than this . Better than them . In winemaking , there 's something called bunch rot , in which one bad grape infects the group . Toxic friend and work situations are no different . By definition , toxicity is the degree to which something can damage . Make no mistake , these are damaged people - once smart , free - thinking , well - respected individuals now broken down to think and act like a vicious , rotten herd . These cultish environments lead you to believe you are fortunate to be where you are , can never do better , there 's another waiting to take your place . Those that leave are ingrates , " depressives " - no matter how many years you gave , how hard you tried , how amicable you think you left , you are the enemy . Others are encouraged to shun you , engage in the shit - talking . The ringleader feels more secure - and less inclined to lash out - the louder the laughs . And so you do it ; you laugh at what you know is wrong . You contribute in the ripping apart of your friend , your former colleague . It 's just easier . Knowing , hoping one day you too will be a refugee , doing all you can to better your situation in the meantime , adopting the mantras , lying to others and yourself . You are happy . It 's just temporary . Everyone else is doing it . It 's not that bad . Until it 's finally your time . You 've woken up , gathered the strength , gotten a better offer , had a life - changing experience … Whatever it is that is propelling you forward , upward , past the muck , the insipid and incestuous clone - like clique , you do it . You - gasp - leave . Away from the brainwashing and the negative influence , you realize how self - consumed you 'd become , how jaded , how bitter . And , little by little , each moment without your toxic crutch , you become you again , realizing just how crippling your situation had been . You start to think like an independent , no longer part of a petty pack . You become kinder , lighter , sunnier . And soon it all starts to feel like a dream . A beautiful , shameful , fucked up dream . You move on . You work on and better yourself . And you wait . You wait for the next embattled soul to wise up and join your fray . And you welcome them with outstretched arms and a cold beer . No " I told you sos , " no " What took you so long ? " not even a " How could you do that to me ? " because they know and , with one look , you do too . It wasn 't them . It was the atmosphere , the influence . After all , you once were there too . And you don 't " get it " until you 're gone . And once you are is when you really start living again . My ' word of the year ' usually comes pretty easy for me . As this year drew to a close , I found myself still searching for one . 2013 's was Persistence , 2012 was Disclosure , 2011 was Transitional , 2010 was Serene , 2009 was Colorful , and of course my inaugural word of the year for 2008 was Monumental . So how do I compete with any or all of those ? Personally I 'm ready to put 2014 behind me . In this particular year , my father was diagnosed with dementia , and my mother with breast cancer . I 've actually contemplated the word tumultuous to describe the year , but I find that an extremely negative description to mark an entire year with . Can 't say I didn 't think about it for a minute , though . The word Endurance seems fitting . Because no matter what life throws our way , we 're pretty much forced to steel our resolve and keep moving forward . The only other choice would be to lie down and give up , and that 's just not a choice I 'll make . December 29 , 2014 | Categories : Thoughts , Writing | Tags : Family , Home , life , Miscellaneous , random , Random Thoughts , Reflections , thoughts , Writing | 2 Comments Identities I 've grown comfortably accustomed to my husband working out of town . Would I rather have him working locally ? Of course . But we both realize sometimes sacrifices must be made in order to earn a living . We 've been blessed in more ways than I can begin to count , this would include us both having successful careers as well as remaining gainfully employed . For a while now , I 've felt like my one life has been split into two different realms of existence . I don 't know quite how to describe this feeling ; it 's just weird . I really had gotten used to these different realms - because at the end of every week , my husband would be back home . Each week I would morph from my single - life - working - girl realm back into my ' whole ' realm which includes my husband on the weekends . Oh how I cherish the whole realm … I anticipate it 's arrival the entire week . Last month Keith was given notice that his new job site was not only much further from home , but also mandated overtime hours - meaning no more coming home time for a good while . It 's so strange . Now I can see these two familiar realms being transformed into a new third existence . An existence where I just … am . Literally , I 'm just there . Not sure what to really do . Yeah , it 's pretty tough to explain , obviously . I do realize he could be deployed overseas for many months at a time . I am grateful that 's not the case . While I don 't whine out loud much about the situation ( doesn 't do any good and no one really wants to hear about it anyway ) , I can and will write about it . That much at least helps . I 'm not afraid , quite the contrary . It 's the loneliness factor that comes into play … that empty hole feeling inside my gut . This is in addition to feeling like I 'm thrown into this third identity . It 's not the same as living alone as I 've done in the past . It 's quite different than living alone , because I actually know what I 'm missing … and , what we both are missing out on . In the past I never really considered how much a person changes over time . Guess I figured you just travel through life keeping whatever preferences you always had . Now that my 46 - going - on - 26 year - old self is finding out that 's not the case , it 's got my attention . Here are a few things that come to mind when I consider these changes . My taste in music . As far back as my adolescent years , I 'd never listen to anything but rock . The heavier , the better . Now , country music has my heart . It actually soothes my soul and brings me peace . My driving . I admit I used to be an aggressive driver , where even simple things set me off . Because of this I would experience cases of road rage at the drop of a hat . Now , my motto is ' just get there safely ' . I now look at operating an automobile through an entirely different set of eyes . My taste in food . When I was young , there weren 't many things I would eat . I hated mac & cheese ( any cheese , actually ) , pizza , seafood , cole slaw , and many others . The only fruit I would eat was a banana . From my 20 's to my 40 's , my ex was a picky eater . In this era , everything I cooked had to be bland - there was no ' slipping in ' of an onion , tomato , cheese , mustard , etc . - lest he refuse to eat it . Fast forward to now - I love so many different foods and enjoy cooking new recipes with no restrictions as to the ingredients . I actually welcome opportunities to try foods from different ethnicities . Life in general . I have found simplicity is the better way . This was not always the case for me . The older I get though , the more I search for an easier way to do things . This can range anywhere from household chores down to how I style my hair or what I wear . I 'm constantly looking for better ways to save time . Maybe this is because with each new day we have less time left . We live in a world now where everything is complicated - government issues , terrorism , religious wars and a short - staffed workplace just to name a few . I yearn deeply for a world where everything is simple . I never thought I 'd see the day where my sweet Mom watches football games , y ' all . If none of the above convinces you of people changing with time , maybe this one will . She inspires ME to watch more . Time changes , all right . It 's become clear to me this will likely be an ongoing venture with many more changes to come . And , I 'm okay with that . My circle of friends is small , and that 's by choice . Once you 've been burnt by a select few throughout the course of a lifetime , it becomes pretty easy to build up that old retaining wall - to keep the nicely filtered water safe inside and disastrous tidal waves out . The quality level of my true friends is nothing short of stellar now - that 's what is important to me . I love having a friend I know so well that half the time we actually finish each other 's sentences . With most every subject , Lou and I end up having the same opinion . On the rare occasions we don 't agree on something , we still respect each others opinions . Neither of us have ever tried to change each other , nor persuade the other into doing something we 're uncomfortable with . Because a ' real ' friend would never do that . Lou and I have joked for years now about how we would be perfectly content to drive home from work on Friday and not leave out again until Monday rolls around . Once home from work on a weekday , we won 't start our car and go out again until the next workday . Doesn 't matter if we 're in need of something , it has to wait . You 'd literally have to light a fire under both our asses to get us back out . Like many others , we both have a dog waiting for us to get home . Fact is , any type of errand after work requires careful prioritizing because of our pets - but I don 't know a pet - lover out there that begrudges this . I wouldn 't trade a thing . I 'm not complaining about any of this - quite the contrary . It makes me happy going straight home and and staying home . I 'm not a socially active person by nature , never have been . Once in a while Keith and I will have a family event to attend over the weekend which we enjoy . I just find joy in weekends which have no plans whatsoever - aside from the rare impromptu day trip with him . Speaking of my husband . He 's a hard - working man who works out of state all week and only comes home on the weekends . After so long it became routine like anything else - I just got used to it . I am not afraid . I 've got my fearless boy Mojo , a fully loaded S & W and a quite sophisticated home security system . All that said , when the weekend finally does get here I relish my time with him . Since the weekend is all we have , we definitely make the most of every moment together . Hey , I realize it could always be worse - he could be deployed overseas for months or even years . I 'm thankful for the time I do have with him and everything else we 've been blessed with . I 've never been a bar person by choice . Ever . There 's something very sad to me about bars . Again , just my personal preference and opinion . We do enjoy having dinner with our parents on occasion . I don 't socialize with friends on a ' regular ' basis aside from maybe a couple times a year , then it 's usually just for dinner or when someone is moving away or some life - changing event like that . I do not enjoy shopping - while I know this is weird for a woman , trust me when I say I 'm totally okay with it . I guess the most social I 've been in my entire life was last summer while I was busy planning our wedding , which I 'll admit about killed me . Literally had to be somewhere or meet up with someone 3 - 4 times a week . My stress and anxiety levels were off the charts . It was during this time that my friend Lou even sacrificed her own after - work time ( something we both hold sacred , remember ? ) to plod the hot summer streets with me to help search for a wedding dress . I remember that after the wedding was over , I couldn 't wait to get back to my old ' rut ' . And so I did . I didn 't walk … I literally RAN back to it . Apparently there are some out there bearing a false impression that I have a moral obligation to restructure my time to deligate more of my after - work hours to socialize . This has even included pressured attempts during the weekend when Keith comes home from working out of town all week . Needless to say , my patience level has bottomed out on this . It 's not like I 've been silent about my stand on the subject . It 's not a hidden secret on a game show being held for a big reveal later to floor everyone . I 've expressly stated on several occasions that I 'm a homebody and choose to spend my time after work at home , and my weekend time with my husband - but it 's all been blatently ignored . My question is this … having made this a wide - open fact , why on earth would someone push the envelope , again and again ? And if you do find yourself attempting to change or reroute how a person thinks - what kind of friend does that make you ? And why would a person want to spend more time with you if you 're trying so hard to inflict your preferred method of thinking on them ? Why would any real friend do that ? I will not change the way I choose to spend my time , and I refuse to be bullied into it . Of course I realize there are exceptions to every rule . But if dire circumstances ever did warrant a change , my family and close friends would be those who took precedence . This 46 year - old broad has worked 40 + hours a week my entire adult life ( attending several years of college during that ) , and traveled from one side of hell to the other in an attempt to start a new life . I have earned my right to spend my time after work however I damn well please . So I 'm gonna clear something up real quick - like , once and for all . If you have a problem with how I spend MY time - weeknights or weekends - I strongly suggest that you start keeping it to yourself . I will not apologize to anyone for being a homebody . It 's who I am , and I won 't apologize for being me . So quit right now trying to change me . June 20 , 2014 | Categories : Emotions , Life Struggles , Opinion | Tags : 2014 , Family , friends , Home , Judgement , life , Lifestyle , Miscellaneous , opinion , Personal , random , Random Thoughts , Rants , Raves , thoughts | 4 Comments Recent Findings If we allow ourselves to admit it , we are all constantly learning new things about ourselves . In reality , perhaps it 's only the realization of some already existing traits ; or where certain events have led us . Through spurts of time , I enjoy compiling certain findings to peruse at a later date - thought I 'd share my most recent ones . • Unlike the majority of the population , I do not trust cruise control - therefore I don 't use it . And I 've tried . When enabled , I experience the most profound sense of loss of control ever . For this reason I must maintain control of the brake and gas with my own foot - just my own personal preference . • I can sit with the insides of my thighs , calves and ankles flat on the floor like a frog . When I was younger , I secretly enjoyed the looks of horror from others when I did it . I kinda still do . • I 've abhorred any type of seafood my entire life , but 2 years ago found I love sushi . Not the veggie stuff , but good reputable sushi with raw fish . I have it at least once or twice a week . • I dated Clyde Pickler ( Kelli Pickler 's father ) back when I was 17 and living in Albemarle , NC . This was long before he had Kelli . He was a nice guy and a gentleman - and of course we thought the whole ' Bonnie and Clyde ' thing was treacherous . Back then , treacherous was the word Albemarlinians substituted for cool . • I have a scar on the back of my right hand that looks exactly like the Starship Enterprise on Star Trek . It happened when I was washing dishes while swirling my hand inside a glass and the glass decided to bust . Thus , the ' Scarship Enterprise ' serves as a daily reminder never to stick my hand in a glass again . • Certain dreams have much significance to me , so I pay close attention to them . One such recent incident occurred two nights before Keith hit that deer . My mother has a very strong hold on this ' gift ' , and apparently my daughter as well - as she dreamed of the tragic 2005 tsunami two days before it happened . Unfortunately , with dreams you sometimes have to read between the lines and figure the details out . • The power of certain words continually amaze me . Like a man who opts to use the word ' dear ' condescendingly on a female . You can always spot it - I 've found it 's almost always used in a persuasion effort . ' Here here ! ! SEE THINGS MY WAY … NOW . ' Guys , you gotta know we don 't like that shit . So am I one of those females that will call you on it ? Damn straight , every time . And for the record , it 's not my husband who does this . He 's a smart one , he is . April 10 , 2014 | Categories : Miscellaneous , Thoughts | Tags : 2014 , Dreams , Humor , life , Lifestyle , Love , Musings , opinion , Personal , random , Random Thoughts , Reflections , relationships | 2 Comments Up High Again This past weekend we packed our bags and headed up to Blowing Rock in the beautiful Blue Ridge mountains for an overnight trip . Normally being a day trip , it amazes me the intense coordination and planning it takes for us to ' get away ' for just one night . The house sitter for our baby boy Mojo , food and drink shopping for said house sitter , coordinating the alarm system , etc . Of course , it does help knowing the house sitter is non other than my baby girl and her robust boyfriend . So at least there 's no huge guesswork on food choices there . We stayed in this same place March of last year , a week after Keith proposed - so this return trip was very special to us . Originally built in 1874 , the adorable hotel is called The Hemlock Inn . Today , the original inn has been completely refurbished with additional rooms having been added . Each of the beautifully decorated historic rooms offer individual rustic mountain settings complete with hardwood floors and antique decor . Each room having it 's own unique decor , we opt to stay in a different room each time . This was our room last weekend : Knowing the shops on Main Street so well , I was surprised we 'd never been in the Six Pence Pub . Then I remembered neither of us are bar people , never have been ! But since this place came highly recommended , we decided to pop in after we were checked and settled in our room . It did not disappoint . Though I didn 't get them in the picture , I 'll have to admit the fried pickles here are probably the best I 've ever had . Of course the trip would not have been complete without a leisurely drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway before we left on Sunday . It 's my dream to someday drive the entire Parkway from start to finish . We always gravitate to ' our ' overlook … Big Bear overlook . This overlook has 360º scenic views and is very near Price Lake . It was disappointing to see that someone had stolen the rustic sign that 's resided there since we started coming - I guess this tells me it 's not just ' our ' favorite overlook . March 26 , 2014 | Categories : Mountains , Photography , Travel , Uncategorized | Tags : 2014 , Blowing Rock , Blue Ridge Parkway , Love , Mountains , Photography , Travel , Vacation | 6 Comments A couple months in the life … My , how I 've missed my little weblog . The last time I posted , Keith had hit a deer with his truck . He thankfully escaped injury to his self , but his truck ( and the deer ) was a hot mess . What I failed to mention was the very next day was to be our 5th annual New Years beach trip . I was honestly ready to cancel any out of town plans at this point , but he seemed intent on going and rented an SUV so that we could still accommodate Mojo . Our first full day there , a small tornado touched down and ripped the roof smack off our condo . I was sitting on the couch against the wall and actually felt myself being lifted when it hit . Soon after , we discovered a large piece of the roof missed hitting our rental car by mere feet . Although it doesn 't show the extent of the damage from everything that fell ( roof lights , concrete bags , etc . ) here 's a photo of the aftermath . Parts of the roof are visible on top of the adjacent restaurant and under the palms on the asphalt . Keith had just walked Mojo in this same area 10 minutes prior to it happening . What is it they say again about those silver linings ? Aside from a lot of cleanup noise including chainsaws , a crane and lots of workerbees - the rest of the trip was awesome . One of my favorite memories would be our farewell balloons . We each assigned a few private hells from our past , then sent them out to sea forever . The picture 's pretty poor , but believe me when I say it 's very therapeutic to watch these babies go until you can 't see them anymore . Then they 're just … gone . Flash forward to now . Other than a few sushi dinners , a winter storm , watching my fellow southerners make national news with their stupid driving , a dog that wouldn 't allow us to build a snowman , an extreme gum - popper at work , a few dozen Twilight movie reruns , a couple nice unplanned car repairs and vet visits , and a sick husband diagnosed with pneumonia at the urgent care today - life has been pretty typical since the first of the year . Aside from the temporary pneumonia bit , we 're still on our honeymoon and we don 't see that ending anytime in the near future . 😀 But I 've definitely got my nurse Bon hat on , the poor guy . March 9 , 2014 | Categories : Travel , Weather | Tags : 2013 , 2014 , Family , life , Love , Marriage , Musings , Ocean , random , Reflections , relationships , Vacation , Weather | 12 Comments Truck = 0 Deer = 0 Keith = 100 Two days ago on Christmas night , I had a disturbing dream . I was driving Keith 's truck with my mother in the passenger seat . It was very dark . As dreams often have their way , time passed and it became more and more difficult to see . Finally , I became all but blinded and was forced to pull over . We pulled off the road and sat in the dark , not knowing what to do or where to go next . The dream ended as quickly as it began . I told both Keith and my mother about it and described how vivid it was . It 's a horrible feeling to realize ( even in a dream ) that you no longer have control of a moving vehicle . That next morning on my way to work , I discovered the heat in my car had decided to fly south for the winter . Last night Keith asked me to drive his truck in today so he could look into the reason why . Although I 've driven his truck many times , I told him this time I 'd rather just drive my car in since that dream was still so fresh in my head . He said he understood , and if I 'd like , he would drive me in and pick me up since he really wanted to fix my heat . So that 's what we did . When my cell phone rang here at work , I knew that he hadn 't had enough time to make it home yet . I noticed the voice on the other end didn 't coincide with that of my deep - voiced husband with a mild manner and gentle demeanor . I immediately knew something was wrong when ' Oh my God baby , I just hit a deer ! ! My truck is f * * * * d ! ! Destroyed the whole front end - oh my God ! ! ' Insert a few more expletives in there , just use your imagination . Though shook up , Keith says he 's okay . Far as the truck goes , he 's right - it 's f * * * * d . So is the deer . But the truck can be fixed . That 's the thing about material things , they can be replaced - my sweet man cannot . Later on this morning , I told him I was so sorry it happened to him with his new truck . His response : ' I 'm just glad it happened to me and not to you . ' If at this moment I had to paint a mental picture of what love looks like , his response is what I would envision . December 27 , 2013 | Categories : Life Struggles , Travel | Tags : 2013 , Deer , Dreams , life , thoughts , Travel , Truck vs Deer , Winter , Wreck | 8 Comments New Year , New Beginnings Part V 2013 - time just keeps ticking on by , doesn 't it ? Jerry Garcia once wrote into a song , ' Lately it occurs to me … what a long strange trip it 's been . ' This is surely the truth . It 's hard for me to believe the series of events that have been jam - packed into one lone year . Honestly , I 'd never have believed it even if someone had forewarned me . A lot of things stand out , too many to mention really . If you follow my blog , you know them already anyway . Every year , I pick one word in an attempt to describe the year . 2008 was Monumental . 2009 was Colorful . 2010 was Serene . 2011 was Transitional . My word of 2013 is Persistence . Maybe I should say it 's Keith 's word instead , since it was his own persistent efforts that played out in both our favors . In any case , I 'm forced to use it just because it fits better than a glove . Gotta admit I admire your persistence , baby . And at least Mojo 's pronunciation of the word is considerably different than our own … Per · thith · tenth . December 16 , 2013 | Categories : Relationships | Tags : 2013 , Commitment , Jerry Garcia , life , Lifestyle , Love , Marriage , random , Reflections , relationships , thoughts | 2 Comments Is it Springtime yet ? I 've already grown weary of winter . Winter months are hard , and those who know me already know I 'm not a fan of anything difficult . If you 're still reading this , you 're probably aware that this will be a rant post . Hey , we all need one now and then . With that said , I 'll proceed to touch on a few of the reasons why I abhor hate dislike the season . Dear Sun , how I adore thee . But alas , our time together seems to have been cut in half . I am pale . I mean like Edward Cullen pale . The forecast calls for even more pale . Yep , I 'll be late for work again . November 26 , 2013 | Categories : Rants , Winter | Tags : 2013 , Home , life , opinion , Random Thoughts , Rants , thoughts , Weather , Winter , Winter Groans | 6 Comments Another kind of Love " I know you 've only ever known your father and me . And I love Jack , because he is your father . But there 's another kind of love , Amanda . One that gives you the courage to be better than you are , not less than you are . One that makes you feel that anything is possible . I want you to know that you can have that . I want you to hold out for it . " Appropriately enough , this movie was released exactly three months after the ending of my 21 - year marriage . To date , it 's the only movie I saw at a theater more than once . I actually saw it on three separate occasions , taking a different girlfriend with me each time . I related with it on so many levels . Being alone for the first time in my adult life . Having yet to find out who I really was . A product of a looming divorce . A mother of an extremely strong - willed daughter who would have her say regardless . Never to be last … a woman who fought to maintain her dream that a true unconditional love did in fact exist , somewhere out there . Hey , it might 've been a dream - but it was my dream . October 29 , 2013 | Categories : Love , Photography , Relationships | Tags : Forever , Happiness , Lake , Love , Marriage , Matrimony , relationships , Wedding , weddingphotos | 4 Comments Okie - dokie , Doggy Daddy … And guess what … WE DID IT ! ! What started out as any other beautiful sunny September day slowly and surely graduated to rain as the evening fell . Ah , well . Thank goodness for that glorious Plan B , which is one big reason we chose this particular venue . Besides , a little rain never hurt nothin ' . The original plan was to be married by the lake in front of a beautifully draped alter adorned with hanging crystals to reflect the sun and water . As it turns out , we wed indoors in front of the fireplace - nonetheless very beautiful in it 's own unique way . ( And believe me , I 'll find a fanciful DIY project with which to use the hanging crystals and reams of unused alter material ! ) This man has made my dreams come true . Speaking of which , after the ceremony we danced back down the aisle to our chosen recessional " You Make My Dreams Come True " by Hall & Oates , with everyone behind us following suit . I consider it my very own True Romance . Hey , Tarantino … can ya top that one ? October 2 , 2013 | Categories : Family , Love , Relationships | Tags : 2013 , Animals , Family , friends , Love , Marriage , Reflections , relationships , thoughts , Vows | 7 Comments One Love My post is simple today , though indeed thought - provoking . Below would be my number one pick of all Bob Marley 's quotes . The amount of love that erupts from this one wise paragraph has always overwhelmed me . Even so , I never could grasp the full intensity of it - just the intense yearning to someday find this beautiful kind of unconditional love . One without judgement , one that makes you want to learn new things , one that makes you feel beautiful , one where you openly invite vulnerability into your life . One Love . August 22 , 2013 | Categories : Love , Poetry , Relationships | Tags : 2013 , Bob Marley , Forever , life , Love , Marriage , Quotes , Rasta , Rastafarian , Reflections , relationships , thoughts , WhereHaveYouBeenAllMyLife | 1 Comment I have my own Tour Guide , thanks … On this day four years ago , Keith and I went on our first date . For this reason , we 've always celebrated it as our anniversary . Wearing high heels while descending wooden - slat steps could prove to be a recipe for disaster for any woman , especially an accident - prone one like myself . I was certain I wouldn 't make it down without a catastrophic fall . I didn 't , though . As I rounded the sidewalk and the parking lot came into view , so did this tall , dark and handsome man - flashing a grin while leaning back ever so cool - like on the hood of his Volvo . Four years later , I can still see it as clearly as I did that evening . If memory ever eludes me when I get older , I pray for this one memory to remain because it is seriously that precious to me . We went to dinner at a restaurant called The Grid Iron , which is still open today . Through the course of the meal , the conversation seemed almost too easy , if that makes any sense . He talked about his job as an elevator installer and came across as just a kind soul in general . It didn 't take me long to realize that I was spot - on in that analysis . I 'd never seen a Harry Potter movie , actually don 't think I 've seen another one since . But Harry Potter it was that night , and looking back it was probably the best choice by far . After the movie , he drove me back to my apartment in Lake Wylie . Because of a few losers I 'd been out with prior to Keith , I decided I didn 't care much to kiss goodnight on the first date , and so I held fast to that . I reached over the seat , hugged him and told him I 'd had a good time . That was it - our first kiss didn 't actually happen until another week later on our second date . The rest is history . He got the car door for me that night , and he still gets it for me today . He still sings Josh Turner songs to me in that deep sexy voice and it still makes my stomach flutter . His tour - guide antics still entertain me , especially when we 're up in the North Carolina mountains where he 's spent so many years working .
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My mom was in town and we had just had breakfast . Then I got a call telling me that the test ( you know the big one I 've been waiting for . . . the endoscopy ) had been rescheduled to that day . But I had already eaten and you have to fast before this test . So my mom and I talked about whether or not I should make myself throw - up my breakfast , but we decided I probably shouldn 't . It had been close to 5 hours since I ate , maybe that would be enough . When we got to the hospital they took a few preliminary x - rays of my stomach . Then the doctor walked in . She listened to the nurse tell her that I still had a golf ball sized amount of food in my stomach . The doctor looked at me and said , " I guess you 'll just have to wait another 8 weeks at the least , " and walked out . What ? ! ! That was it ? The nurse took me up front to reschedule the procedure . The soonest they could get me in was October . October ! Then the nurse added , " Oh , and you can 't eat healthy , exercise , or do yoga until after the test . " You mean the test that is 9 months away ? But . . . That 's when I burst into tears . This isn 't fair . I want to lose weight . I want to be healthy . I want to work out . I have a gym membership I 'm paying for and need to use . I want to do yoga , maybe even teach it . I started trying to decide if it was worth it . Maybe I don 't need doctors anymore . I 'm going to just start doing what I know feels good . I started looking for the doctor . I needed to know how much gluten I was expected to eat in the meantime . I found her in her office wearing a vintage hat complete with veil and feathers ( like the one pictured ) . She was all wrapped up in white tule as well . Weird . She wouldn 't speak to me , she was busy eating her lunch . That 's when I woke up . It took me a while to figure out it had been a dream and that the test is still scheduled for tomorrow ( fingers crossed ) . What a nightmare . But now , as I look back on this dream I have to admit I 'm very proud of my sub - conscious . I 'm glad that it was so offended when I was told I couldn 't take care of my body . I 'm glad that I wanted to rebel and do what I knew was right for me . So while I 'm nervous about the test tomorrow ( mostly nervous they 'll reschedule again ) , I 'm happy to let you know that I 'm ready to take charge and to do what is best for my body . P . S . I 've never had a doctor treat me that bad , so I don 't know where that came from . And maybe doctors should start wearing fancy schmancy hats . Could be fun . As is my wont I am feeling much better after venting my frustration yesterday . At least my mind is more at ease . The pain is ever present . But I 'm happier . And today is a gloriously sunny day . It 's hard to be sad with that kind of sun shinning through my windows . We may even take a walk after Cormac 's nap . After much research we bought this Kelty 3 . 0 Carrier : I love it already . So comfortable . Much better than all the others we tried on . And fully adjustable for my 5 ' 5 " frame and my husbands 6 ' 6 " frame . We are hoping to do some backpacking this summer with a possible trip to the Grand Canyon . So I need to start training if I 'm going to carry my boy . My boy who is going through a huge growth spurt . If he keeps it up he 's going to have to walk himself . But I digress . What I really wanted to write about was what is going on over at BlogHer . Have you seen this video blog ? If you haven 't , you should take a quick minute to view it . I thought about this the entire time I was working out today . I kept thinking , " Yeah ! Rock on ! I can do this , and I don 't care what anyone thinks either . " It helped me get through my workout today . So thank you BlogHer for your Own You Own Beauty Campaign . I 'm on board . I 've been in a dark place the last few weeks . First off , it 's January . I hate January ( no offense January , but you really don 't give people a lot to look forward to ) . I 'm ready for Spring . But Spring is not ready for me . So I wait for the days to start lengthening out . I have such big plans for my garden and yard this year . I can 't wait to get to it . But as I mentioned before , it is January , so I wait . I admit that I 'm always a little down this time of year , but this year has been particularly hard . I 've been waiting for an endoscopy that should have taken place on the 3rd , but had to be rescheduled to the 24th which has to be rescheduled to the 1st of February . I 'm beginning to believe that it will never happen . And until that test happens , I have to continue to eat a " regular " diet . Because of this I have felt out of control . Remember my resolution to stop with sugar and other white things ? Well , that has gone out the window , and I have not been even close to eating well . I hate feeling out of control this way . But I keep saying , " as soon as I have this test done things will be different . " And they will be , I am going to re - do my elimination diet and finish it right this time so we will know exactly what is triggering all my problems . But until then . . . So that has been weighing me down . And then the pain and fatigue is awful , awful , awful . I can barely function . My poor husband has to come home to a messy house , no dinner , a toddler in desperate need of attention , and a wife who simply wants to collapse on the couch and give up . Yeah , it 's been a hard few weeks . Now add in the fact that I 've had not one , but two bouts with the flu in the last month and there you have it . Not just a cold flu either . A coming out both ends flu ( sorry to be graphic , but I know you all have been there ) . You mix all this together and it really is no wonder I 've been down . At least , I think it isn 't any wonder . And to be honest , considering all this , I really have managed to keep it pretty light around here , just a big hectic . We are happy ( remember I like to dramatize things , so don 't panic , I 'm not about to jump off a bridge ) even if things have been difficult . But this is the kicker , I am so sick of not knowing what is really wrong with me . Why do I go to sleep each night in serious pain only to wake up to the same pain ? The same pain that was present in my dreams even . Why am I still so tired after sleeping 10 hours at night and taking a 2 hour nap during the day ? Why are my headaches so bad ? I would just like an answer . So I 've got this big medical test coming up , and all I can think is , " This is such a waste of money and time . I know they aren 't going to find anything . . . again . They 're just going to tell me ( again ) that it is all in my head , and send me out the door with nothing . " It seems that every time we go through these tests I manage to get really , really down . I 'm so tired of not knowing . So I haven 't been blogging , or really doing anything lately . Just stewing and waiting . That is why I am doing the elimination diet over . It was the one thing that brought relief , aside from yoga but even that is temporary . And if I never know exactly what is causing it , at least I have found something that makes me feel better . I am going to take charge after this test . If I ever have the test . Have you seen these signs ? There are some like these in our local mall here . I 've also seen them on billboards around . I find them completely comical . The ones in the mall are backlit from 10 : 00 am to 9 : 00 pm . The billboards ? Well , they light those up all night too so people can see . I just thought it was a bit hilarious ( and hypocritical ) . Perhaps Disney has found a way to light up these signs without using energy ? Deep thought for the day . This happy occasion took place six years ago today . Hard to believe it has been that long . Saying yes to this man has been the single best decision I have made in my life . He makes me laugh and smile daily . I don 't deserve him , but I am so glad that he 's mine . Happy Anniversary , Ammon . I love you with all my being . Step Six : Be Your Authentic Self " One of the most common fears is the fear of simply being ourselves , especially when we end up in unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations - - when we 're ' fish out of water . ' Thus , many of us tend to shy away from the attention that may come from being different . As a result , we try to hide who we truly are . We don 't want to stand out , so we may find ourselves doing everything possible to stamp out our individuality in favor of conformity . We then wind up projecting an image we assume , and hope , will please others . That 's one road you can choose to travel when you 're feeling out of place . The other is to celebrate who you are without apology . ' Let 's face it , no one wants to be rejected . And yet , think about the people you truly admire in this world . Without a doubt , they conduct their lives with authenticity and conviction , and to realize your full potential , you 'll need to do the same . " I saved this last one for it 's own day because I think it is so powerful . And so important . The idea of being comfortable in your own skin is , after all , what I am striving for . I have lived my life trying not to cause waves . If something I say or do might be considered out of the norm I generally avoid it . Oh yes , I am weird and I have let a little of that show now and again , but in reality I have spent so much time and energy just trying not to stand out that I sometimes wonder who I really am . And some days I don 't know the answer to the question : What is my authentic self ? I know what many people think I am : responsible , bossy , junk food addict . I know many things I would like to be : Super skinny , a social butterfly , confident , healthy . But what am I in reality ? And then when I really stop and think I realize I would rather be happy in my own skin than trying to be something I am not . I think that is what living fearlessly really is all about , living in a way that honors your authentic self . When you live that way you won 't be afraid to try new things that you have always wanted to try . You will have the courage and confidence to live a full and happy life . The life you truly want and deserve . " What would happen if your fear came true ? . . Ask , What 's the worst possible outcome ? Could it be reversed ? Would you lose income ? Would your family survive ? Would it cause you or someone else bodily harm ? Could you ask for help ? Would it be possible to repair or control the damage ? What can you do today to protect yourself ? " I know in my own life most of my fears are rather silly in the large scheme of things . I also spend a lot of time fearing things that are purely hypothetical and to be frank , rather morbid . For example , what would I do if my husband and son died suddenly . While I feel it is good to be prepared and to accept that bad things do happen , the reality is , this sort of fear can be crippling . Living in fear of what may come doesn 't help us to live in the reality of today . Anyway , when you stop and put things in perspective it can really help tame your fears . Think for a minute how much time and energy is wasted on worrying about what others will say or do . We have no power over that . Ever . We can control how we react to the things others do . We can control what we think and feel , but we cannot control others . I , for one , want to stop wasting my life worrying about others and to live my own life . This is one of the hardest ones for me . Asking for help is not something I do well . I don 't accept help well either . But I do believe that most fears can be conquered with a companion , a support group , or just someone to listen and offer advice . Besides , chances are there are others who share your fears and would love to take the plunge with you . " The fearless among us overcome doubts by practicing what I call their ABCs : A stands for purposeful action , or just taking the plunge and doing what you 've been afraid to do . You can always rehearse first . . . B is for having belief in your own abilities . Fear loses its power when confronted with a positive mind - set . Use positivity to act ' as if ' everything is all right , and soon it will be . C stands for the courage that comes from remembering that if you 've succeeded before , you can do so again . And chances are , you have succeeded before . I love B . I think that having belief and confidence in yourself is vital to so many things . I also feel like that is one of the main things I have been striving for with this blog . People who conduct themselves with confidence ( not cockiness ) are able to be successful and do things that some of us fail at . Just how to gain this confidence is something I 'm working on . But I think what this article says is spot on : just act " as if " and then it will happen . I just got home from dropping my mom off at the airport . She was here for 8 days , and yet as I drove away from the airport I got tears in my eyes and started to miss her already . We had a lot of fun together while she was here . And it 's always nice to have another person around to help with my little one . I had forgotten how luxurious it is to take a shower before noon . Mum spoiled us rotten while she was here : buying Cormac new clothes , me a new pair of boots , and taking us out to eat . She 's sweet like that . And self - less . And I 'm still a little brat sometimes and fail to let on how much I really do appreciate and love her . Mother 's are an amazing thing . Who else has so much influence over the rest of your life . Mom and I talk , look , and laugh alike . We have so many of the same mannerisms . We share many interests and dislike many of the same things . She was the one who shaped my future when I was young . I remember how much I loved coming home to a mom in the house . I was very blessed that way . When Mom wasn 't home after school it was such a let down , even if I didn 't have anything to say to her . I 've been thinking , with this last visit from my mom , that I really want to make sure I 'm the kind of mom that my kids will have good memories of , like I do of my mom . Childhood blows by too fast , I want to be there to savor every moment , so that when I am holding my grandkids on my lap I can tell them how they are similar or different from their parents when they were young . I want to instill healthy habits and traditions in my kids . And I want them to flourish and develop into the polite , happy , creative , talented people that I know they are . I know that moms aren 't perfect , and I know I certainly won 't be , but no one can love my children like I can . So today I am thankful for mothers . Especially my own . Cormac cried when she left . I got teary too . We will miss her . I will miss watching her hold Cormac and read him stories . I will miss hearing her tell him that she loves him and seeing him run to her with a new book or toy . Thanks Mum for coming and spoiling us . We are already looking forward to seeing you again ( and next time maybe we can hang out with Dad too ) . I recently read an article in the January 2011 edition of Whole Living called Living Fearlessly . The article begins with a woman that was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer . She tells about her journey of learning to live with this rare disease . She writes , " Early in my diagnosis , I spent a lot of time anticipating - - thinking about the effects of chemotherapy or what might happen if a particular treatment didn 't work . My doctor gently told me , ' Year by year all is unclear , but day by day we find our way . ' I hear those words at least once a day and find my way back to the present . Fear is about what might happen , not what is happening right now . It takes us to a place of panic , not power . The only thing you have to master is the thing right in front of you , this very second . " I love this quote . It really made me think . While I don 't have a rare form of cancer on my plate right now , I do think that fear often paralyzes me from doing things I want to do . For example , I have been wanting to get a position as a yoga instructor for some time . There are a lot of places around here that I could apply , but I have been too afraid that I would be rejected . I 'm worried that I 'm too heavy , or that I don 't have enough experience , or this or that . The list goes on . In fact there are a lot of things that I have always wanted to do but have been to chicken to make that first step . So this article really spoke to me . I want to write for the next few days about the various steps that this article covered to overcome fear . And as the article says , we should make 2011 the year to stop living in fear of the unknown . It paralyzes us . Think of it this way , " to live in fear is essentially not to live . " " To move past your fear , you first must identify it . . . When anxiety surfaces , try to describe the source of your distress . It could be something concrete , such as looming layoffs or relationship trouble . Or maybe it 's less tangible - - say , failure , rejection , or the future and what is holds . Either way , the conscious act of naming your fear is the first step to making it manageable . " Very true . I 'm going to spend some time naming my fears . Once you name them they usually become manageable or even comical . I think it is time to push those silly things aside and really start enjoying this life . I agree . I never used to like to cook until I started cooking with whole foods . Making warm and healthy meals for me and my family is extremely nourishing to my soul . Even if I 'm not one who was born to cook . Food for thought . I apologize for my long absence from blogging . Holidays . What can I say . We had a wonderful time though ( other than the colds we 've had , it 's been a hard year for us that way ) . I hope you all did too . I took a long time to think up what resolutions I wanted to make this year . I think I 've mentioned before that I feel resolutions are often cliche and so I avoid them , but this year I thought I 'd go ahead and opt for a few . My first one was that I would follow through . I then decided to only set a very few resolutions . That ups my odds of being successful right ? I thought it should . The first was to avoid all white processed foods such as processed sugar , white flour , white rice , and white pasta . I didn 't put a definite " no " clause on there because there are times when we travel or other such things when it isn 't in my control . Plus I strongly believe that by using the word " no " your body and mind automatically start craving the forbidden . So they are allowed , I 'm just trying to cut back . Next I decided I wanted to eat more whole foods and eat at home more . I am hoping to spend a lot of time in the kitchen discovering new flavors and fun things to nourish my family and myself . The last thing I decided was to start a one sentence journal . The idea being that I only have to write one sentence a day , but can write more if I want . I hope that way I 'll be better at capturing the every day little things that I want to remember when I 'm old . Like how Cormac likes to put one leg up on the seat next to him in the shopping cart and sort of recline . In the meantime I have a feeling that the rambling is getting old and what you really want is to know who won the great Cookbook giveaway . So here it is . According to Random . org the number from 1 to 11 is 2 , which means that the second person to comment wins . So the winner is : im in ! ! ! sad we missed you at thanksgiving and happy birthday ! Congratulations Cody ! I 'll get it on it 's way to you . I 'm excited you won . To the rest of you dear people who entered you can look up The Whole Life Nutrition Cookbook by clicking on the title if you are interested . I am going to try and blog a little this week , but my mom is coming to visit ( yay ! ) so I make no promises . Happy New Year ! I think that I knew how to crochet before I ever came to this life . Lately I 'm just remembering how . I love to create with yarn whenever I get a second in between being a mom and picking the pears off my 6 pear trees . Here you can see the fruits of my labor . If something piques your interest , drop me a line , I 'll create one for you . " To laugh often and much ; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children ; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends . To appreciate beauty ; to find the best in others ; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child , a garden patch , or a redeemed social condition ; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived . This is to have succeeded . " ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Posted on February 23 , 2015 by bitPimps 中 Hi everybody ! It was great seeing you all in Vegas , what a blast we had together ! I met so many new faces , we shared laughter , stories , food , and good times . We 've got a lot to cover today , so let 's just dive right into it , shall we ? So today 's show was pre - taped , yesterday , about the events from the day before , but aired on Faction today . Let 's try and do this . It 's really not that hard . We already covered Friday 's live show , but we didn 't get to talk about HATEBEAN 's first and last performance that night , nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night , after HATEBEAN ! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis . com , Tiger Box however , was not - though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well . See ? Simple , right ? Ok , now that we got that out of the way , HATEBEAN ! It . Was . Amazeballs . Will absolutely fucking kille murde it … Nevermind . Will was incredible . That 's no fucking joke either . Cumtard was great too , dressed as a cumtarded glam rocker with massive tits , but Will dressed as Meatloaf and belting out our favorite HATEBEAN songs , stole the show . I can 't even begin to imagine the amounts of pussy he plowed through after the show , but everybody knows WILL FUCKS ! At one point , everyone in the crowd starting chanting along with Will saying " Blood - Was Squirting - Out My Penis " as if suddenly the crowd had joined a cult and everyone is chanting before the poison s ' mores & kool - ade is passed around . Here are some more photos of the legendary HATEBEAN performance ! More photos and video can be found here . Tiger Box sounds like it was pretty amazing too , I didn 't get to see that , I was too emotional after the HATEBEAN performance . But apparently that girl ( I forgot her name , sorry ! ) that sang Barracuda was so good , she has a spot as the singer if they ever start up another band . Blasko was there , he was probably bored and tired of playing with half - assed musicians . Cullen sang a Rancid song . Ellis was dressed as Gobledorf . And Tully wore those now infamous silver pants from his past . More photos and video can be found here . Musical chair fights , a favorite and staple of Ellismania 's was up first . Sam Tripoli looked like he wanted to quit and was damn near doing so . FonzoBlunt ( Moooo ! ) was once again in the mix as of course was his father , Butterballs . No surprise here when Butterballs won once again , but he got a few shots to the ribs that tenderized his meat pretty good . For those of you who got to see the legend that is Butterballs , you 're lucky , because he came out of retirement for this bout and that was his last time fighting at EllisMania . He has officially retired , again . We salute you Butterballs , thank you for the years of entertainment at EllisMania 's , The Decockathon , etc . I 'm not sure who all else was in the fight , I think some dude with an odd looking cock in Hulkamania costume . I can tell you this though , only the ending of this fight was on OJE . There were around 600 people online watching and the feed died right when the fights started , which happens pretty much every EllisMania , but the feed always comes back too . The chat of course went nuts with pissed off people and everybody just sat there circle jerking until the feed came back , by that time the fight was over . Real Steal fight with Andrew The Giant and Nick . Dingo controlled Andrew while Tully controlled Nick , kind of . They tried some field testing with this in the studio and it took a few tries , but it seemed do - able . Problem was there were so many people there , I 'm not sure the fighters could hear all their instructions . You could tell Andrew heard a lot more , though Ellis claims Tully just sucks at coaching . Nick wasn 't listening to Tully 's commands very well , either because he couldn 't hear or because he was in fight mode and everything else just automatically got blocked out . He was putting out some beautiful jabs , but the problem was they were in dead space , completely away from Andrew . Tully tried to tell him to turn once , but it wasn 't getting through , so Tully just focused on trying to get him to either throw a jab or a right hook , none of which were connecting . Andrew however was finding some landing zones and walloped Nick and first 3 rows of seats with wide , sweeping right hooks . Like really wide . Think like 18 - wheeler turning a tight corner , that 's about half as wide as Andrew 's long - ass hooks . He 's a giant ! Andrew of course won his fight , not that he did a lot of damage , but because Nick was punching nothing but air , poor guy . It was still entertaining . Oh , and Nick came out wearing some kind of mask , so that was pretty cool . Virgin fight pit Hotdog against Axle , winner gets a date with a " professional " and has an alleged chance to win something else . Pussaaaay ! Ellis thought Hotdog was being lazy and Axle looked tired and like he wanted to vomit . Hotdog definitely got more shots in and looked like the better fighter , he got better shots in . Axle seemed to just weather the storm and retaliate where he could . Both were breathing heavily and totally gassed out pretty quickly , but that 's fighting . Hotdog ended up winning , but kind of lost as he never did get his dick wet from a woman , just with his own sweat . But still , props to Hotdog , everyones favorite , rad intern ! Also Axle cock blocked Ellis by staying in his room until 4 am , but to be fair , he 's a virgin , he didn 't know any better . The first Biggest Loser fight for the men was Jeff versus Tony , both of whom lost 50 - 60 pounds to get a chance to be in this fight ! These big boys moved , dodged , dipped , dived , duck , and dodged like they were coached by Patches O ' Houlihan ! It was pretty crazy seeing these guys move the way they did , the shots they threw , took , and they both kept going . It was entertaining fight and all it would take would be one major slip - up and one clean landing and one of them probably would 've gotten starched . But that didn 't happen . I believe one of them said the other was allegedly talking shit on Twitter and Facebook and this would settle the grudge . One of them won and the one of them didn 't , unfortunately , I don 't remember which one is which . What do you want from me ? The next Biggest Loser fight was for the ladies , featuring Nipplopolis and Jen T . This fight was pretty one sided and probably should 've been stopped a little earlier , but Amy didn 't want that to happen . She was there to prove she could hang and had the heart to do just that . Meanwhile , Jen looked like a natural , she was moving , hoping around , had a boxer 's stance , and would come in , throw some leather , and move back out . She was bigger too , but it was her technique and power that made this look pretty brutal . She mowed poor Amy down and eventually the fight had to be stopped . Nobody wants to see someone get brutalized for that long , it was just an unfair fight at that point . Even Ellis said he had hoped he wouldn 't be facing Jen later as part of his Diggstown fight . Shout out to both the ladies for losing so much weight and for getting in that ring , they both worked hard to get there and did a fantastic job entertaining the fans . On a side note , Amy wants to get a facial from her husband , but he doesn 't cum on her face . Apparently there 's been plenty of opportunities for that to happen , but her husband is more of a gentleman . He 's not going to just blast her right in the face with his wad , he prefers if she would take control of the stick and do whatever she pleases . The second Biggest Loser fight for the men was Topper versus ? ? ? ( I can 't remember , ) I think even the announcers kept repeating the wrong name on this one . Again , both of these dudes lost 50 - 60 pounds to get a chance to be in this fight ! And again , one of them one , the other didn 't , that 's how fights usually work unless the WWE . And if it were the UFC , the wrong guy would 've won . But in this case , I believe it was Topper who got dominated for the majority of the fight and ended up losing , win going to the mystery man . The Piñata fight got pretty crazy right from jump street . This fight put 3 fans against 2 professionals , Kit Cope and Mike Jasper , both of whom were part of last year 's Piñata fight . This fight went a bit differently from last years . Last year , Jasper had gotten knocked out and came up swinging to knock out whoever his glove touched . This year , the fans pretty much over - powered Kit and Mike , it seemed as if the fans were in better shape and actually had a game plan this year , one that looked to be working . Ellis says someone kicked Kit while he was down , and also punched him the back of the head . During the announcing , Dingo pointed out that the fans are probably fearing for their lives so mistakes may happen , and that 's true . These are fans , not professionals . But that still doesn 't make it any less terrifying . Kit 's leg kicks didn 't seem to be doing a lot as he was bouncing off opponents like a pinball , but lets remember , he 's wearing shin guards and trying to immobilize , not take someone 's head off . Same with Jasper . If Kit and Jasper were given free reign , I 'm sure they would 've mopped up the mat with 3 fans , but they were trying to play it careful due to last year 's fiasco . During the melee , a fan had reached the Piñata while the other two tried to occupy Kit and Jasper . The fight had to be stopped because it was pretty much out of control and someone was going to get hurt if it kept going . Blindfold shock collar fight , another staple and favorite at EllisMania where fighters are blind folded and fans gets controls for the shock collars . Jude was here now , actually he was there for the last fight , but the GHB hadn 't really kicked in until this fight . He looked like he was having fun and his motor skills were breaking down . This fight went just as expected and like it has in the past , except for one little turquoise variable . " Turquoise Jesus " , as Jude called him , quickly became a fan favorite as he ran from one side of the ring to the next , sometimes making contact with someone and sometimes just running into the ropes and falling down . It was the color that first attracted Jude 's attention , but that quickly turned to a fascination and laughter as Turquoise Jesus ran , bounced , and fell from one side of the ring to the next . It was hilarious , even BJ Baldwin 's guest , Dan Bilzerian , fell in love with " Turquoise Jesus " and wanted to give him $ 1 , 000 . Kit Cope cash blocked that by telling Dan that it might not be such a good idea to mention his name at EllisMania . Turquoise Jesus was hilarious . Ellis and Tully both agreed they wouldn 't have denied him getting cash , they would 've encouraged it , because he was " special " and brought on a lot of laughs . One of the guys may have been cheating a bit , allegedly . He seemed to know where Ellis was at and threw all his punches right at Ellis ' nose . Claims he heard Ellis talking on the mic and followed that . I don 't know , it looked pretty fishy and you could clearly see Ellis toying with him , every time Ellis moved , the guy was sure to follow and his punches were spot on . A little too obvious . Anyway , the fight was great , very entertaining , and Jude was fucking hilarious as he went through his GHB trip and announced how much he loved Turquoise Jesus . The clear winners here was of course the fans . Will versus Cumtard fight . Ellis rollerblades in ring , Will wins within 45 seconds of the 2nd round by TKO . No dick & rings for Cumtard . Will was tired just walking to the green to get ready for his fight . The first round was starting to look like a throw - back to shades of Sam Ruben versus Tera Patrick . The second round however , was all excitement , even though it only lasted 40 + seconds . Ellis thought Will held back in the first round , so did Kit , and honestly , I did too . He just kind of pawed at Cumtard , he threw a lot of jabs , but kept his power right holstered . Will said he was super exhausted was thinking he might lose just by passing out , he said he could barely lift his arms . Between rounds , it was time for Ellis to pay up for his end of the bet . He had put on his fruit boots and reluctantly rollerbladed around the ring a few times and then kicked the rollerblades off with disdain and we were ready for the second round . Will miraculously came out with a renewed vigor and started uncorking some power shots on Cumtard 's cyst farm dome . Will thought Cumtard tripped , but Cumtard - bourne said he was ducking Will 's punches , fell over and got hit in the back of the head by one of Will 's punches , which is totally legal in EllisMania . Joel Mills asked Cumtard if he was alright , Will was praying to Satan he wasn 't . Cumtard got back up and Will socked him a good one to the kidneys that put Cumtard back on his ass , giving the Will the win by TKO . Cumtard was seeing stars and spitting & snotting blood . Will feels simultaniously terrible for making Cumtard bleed his own blood , but also feels great by scoring a knockout at EllisMania . Will had to go visit the EMTs after his fight , an EllisFam told he should go see them so he did . He was telling the EMTs how EllisFam is like a real family and he started getting choked up . After the fight , he felt a real bond with Cumtard and was super emotional . Welcome to having a serious fight , Will ! Cumtard didn 't think Will would hit as hard as he did , nor did he think Will woStripper fight time ! Wow ! These beautiful ladies had more cardio than anyone at EllisMania . Each were dressed in skimpy outfits - TheJennaConda was dressed as a naughty school girl and the other girl ( sorry , don 't remember her name ) was dressed as a naughty nurse . The idea behind these fights was that the loser of the round had to strip off an article of clothing until someone was down to pasties and a g - string . What ? This is serious business ! Nobody cared who lost or who won , only that these hot girls were getting more and more naked . Katie even hopped in to help them out of their clothing , she 's such helper ! Anyway , the fans were the real winners here . Bonus , I know you 're probably going to overlook this , but Joel was very photogenic in this particular fight . He never stopped smiling . He 's a professional ! And now it 's time for the main event of the evening , the Diggstown fight . Here , Ellis will be facing 10 different fighters , 1 minute each . After Ellis got to see all 10 of the fighters he would be facing in the ring , Cullen asked Ellis who he wanted to face first . To everyone 's surprise , he chose Tully to be his first opponent . Not to take anything away from Tully , Ellis figured he would use Tully as a warm - up because he didn 't have a chance to hit pads before the fight . Tully caught Ellis with 1 good shot that Ellis says hurt . The rest of the time , Ellis pretty much toyed with Tully and was trying to conserve his breath and energy . Forrest Griffin was chomping at the bit and didn 't wait for jack shit , he was going to be next no matter what anyone had to say about it . He just jumped right into the ring , fuck the bell , and started stalking Ellis like a man on a mission to whip the shit out of his mortal enemy . It looked like Forrest wanted to take Ellis ' head off and keep it as his own personally trophy . Forrest didn 't tune Ellis up like he could have , but he also wasn 't pussy footing around . If Ellis didn 't dodge some of those punches , it was going to be game over and Ellis would 've gone to sleep - thankfully , he didn 't . He survived his 1 minute with Forrest . I think everyone ( not just Ellis ) breathed a sigh of relief at that point because Forrest is a big , strong , crazy , nasty man , and he seriously looked like he was going to turn Ellis into a pile of chewed bubblegum . Later on , Forrest would eventually go to Ellis ' corner to help corner and coach him through the rest of his opponents . Next up was Keith Jardine , he hopped into the ring and was eerily and calmly waiting as Ellis took a small breather while Dr . Drew jerked off his arm . As soon as Ellis turned around , there 's this massive killer across the ring , giving Ellis the scariest face I could ever imagine seeing . It was part smile , part psychosis , and all terrifyingly evil . At this point , I remember thinking you couldn 't pay me enough to Ellis at that moment . Even if Keith said he wasn 't going to hurt me , no fucking way would I ever be stupid enough to be inside of a ring with that hulking beast . It 's easy to forget how big these dudes are . You see them on TV fighting guys pretty much their size , so they look big , just not as big as they really are . Keep in mind , Ellis is just over 200 lbs . and about 5 ' 11 " - 6 ′ . Keith 's shoulders are about twice as wide as Ellis ' . Baby shoulders or not , Ellis isn 't a tiny guy by any means , but next to Jardine , he quickly resembled a young boy . Keith wasn 't like Forrest , who just started charging like a bull . No , Keith let Ellis set himself up , then he 'd plant a giant , hard as granite fist right into Ellis body . He made Ellis block his shots . He totally could 've teed off on Ellis , but didn 't . He just kept letting Ellis get himself set and WHAM ! Another blow that looked like it would crush bone into dust . This made Ellis tense up and prepare to defend another blow , which caused Ellis to hold his breath . Ellis survived , but Keith did his job perfectly , Ellis was tired at this point and still had 7 more fighters to go ! Up next , a little breather with a fight between the two Aussie brothers . Dingo , still dressed in his kangaroo outfit hippity hopped his way into the ring . Dingo 's roo hood came off right away as Jason kinda slugged him . That didn 't slow Dingo down a whole lot , matter of fact , I think that was Dingo 's cue to really try harder . Try as he might , he 's just no match . Ellis ' skill level is just too far beyond the average person , but Dingo manned up and went after his buddy as best he could . He didn 't get knocked out or anything , but he was seeing stars , that 's for sure . Next in the ring was Urijah Faber , he came in with jeans , no shirt , and a baseball hat , flexing his titty muscles to intimidate Ellis and woo the ladies . Urijah is fast as your first time fucking . He unleashed on Ellis with a flurry of punches that dazed Ellis at least twice , he says he started to see a bright light and forced himself to come back even though his body wanted him to stop . Ellis returned the favor and punch Urijah in the face . Hard . Urijah really didn 't like that and things started to turn into a real melee at that point . From there right up to the end , it was a constant flurry of back and forth punches and I 'm pretty sure neither one of them were pulling any punches - there was no love loss there . Afterwards , it was all smiles and hugs , but not during . That was Urijah doing his best to really give Ellis some lumps and Ellis really trying his best to show Urijah he 's no slouch . Eddie Jackson was next in line , this is Ellis ' boxing coach . When he came into the ring and faced up to Ellis , he said , " Nothing personal , man . " ( paraphrasing there ) to which you could clearly see Ellis saying some like " Oh , really ! ? " And from that point on , it was a technical clinic being put on both . Ellis knew Eddie is good enough to take whatever Ellis could throw at him , Eddie knew that too . Still , there wasn 't a lot of punches pulled here . There were a few times Eddie could 've really caught Ellis , but for the most part , both dudes went in hard in the fuckin paint . It was fascinating to watch the technical skills being show by both fighters . Mike Catherwood stepped into the ring for his turn . Catherwood is no cake walk , but he 's also not on Ellis ' level , so no big fear here . However , Ellis is exhausted by the point , he 's faced 6 people by this point , half of which are legitimate killers . Forrest wanted Ellis to pull Catherwood 's head gear down over his eyes and kick him right in the nuts . He didn 't , but he also cracked Catherwood the hardest out of anyone he fought . Catherwood turned out to be the best surprise boxer and did an awesome job singing in Tiger Box . Apparently this guy not only has anger issues , but he can channel his rage into either singing , boxing , racing go - karts , or fighting with his wife at go - kart tracks . Mike Jasper came up next to face his good friend . Jasper looked a little concerned for Ellis because of how exhausted he was . He looked like he wanted to take it easy , but I don 't think Ellis had that in mind at all . He wasn 't about to quit or take it easy after all the shit he 's been through so far . Of course Jasper was much fresher and had a little more pep to his step , but Ellis wasn 't just lumbering around either . He welcomed his good friend 's punches and concentrated on Jasper 's movements and picked his shots where he saw openings . Again , it was awesome to see these two go at it and I think everyone was just hoping neither one of them would accidentally knock the other out . Kit Cope came up next . Kit told Ellis he would take it easy because Ellis had a lot up to that point , and Ellis said no , just go for it or the fans will see it . Again , figuring he had gone this far , Ellis wasn 't about to take it easy even though at this point , his body was done . He could barely breathe , everything in his body was telling him to stop . Ellis just got in his fight stance , watched Kits hips , and tucked his chin down and prepared for battle . You never really know what you 're going to get from Kit . He could take it easy or he could decide he wants to be the clear winner and look to take your head off . That same unpredicatability is exactly why we love Kit . If you ask him to kick someone 's ass , more than likely he 's going to oblige your request and deliver the goods , all wrapped up in a pretty bow and everything . He 's like the Santa of pain . Luckily , he 's not allowed to kick in this . Last but not least , we have Dave " The Voice " Boyce . Ellis was barely able to breathe at this point and was completely gassed . Dave did a lot of ducking and pushing forward , he said he was probably the most nervous fighter in the right that night . At one point , he was hugging Ellis and Ellis just threw up his hands like , " What the fuck am I supposed to do with this ? " It was pretty funny . Good ole Boyce still scurried around the ring trying his best to put on a show without getting his brain scrambled . Props to you Dave , even at his most tired , all it takes is one well placed punch to the right spot and you 're going to sleep . Plus you wore Star Wars shoes in the ring , and that 's fucking awesome . Respect and RED DRAGONS ! Should someone had to drop out , Joel Mills had a mouth piece in his pocket just in case he needed to step in and go a round with Ellis . Also , Kyle Noke was approached to be one of Ellis ' opponents , but was not cleared by the UFC to fight at EllisMania . More pictures and video of all the events can be found on Twitter and Instagram , so go check those out . And that was the end of Ellis ' journey that night . The guy is a fucking manimal . He tries to push himself so fucking hard , it 's almost like he sets himself up to fail . And right when you think he is going to fail , he pulls some kind of surprise out of his ass and makes it through to the other side . A little beat up , tired , and dry heaving , but still - he made it . He may not live the life you live , you may not agree with him on a lot of things , and he may even be a dickhead . But at some point , this man deserves his respect . He puts on one hell of a show , he entertains , he inspires , and he lets you into his life . He 's not afraid to show he 's not perfect and he 'll be the first to tell you , you can do it too . If he can be the proof you need , he 's more than happy to be that . Thanks Ellis , you 're a ledge , mate ! And there you go everybody , the mega - death - too - much - recap - recap ! I know I missed a lot , but god damn , there 's a shitload in here . So hopefully you like it . And hopefully one day your mother stops hooking . OH ! I make jokes and funny images , all in an effort to make you laugh . 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Housewives mopping , dusting and blogging sums us up . Our launch pad was VH1 's Mob Wives . We 've added ID 's I Married A Mobster , other shows & mafia / gangster movie commentary to our blogging mix . Basically we are ' Miserable Often Bitchy Wives ' ( + one male ) , a blogging cocktail of the shows & movies we love to watch . It 's our opinion and we 're sticking to it . Carla and Drita go out to New York City for a night on the town . Drita wants to meet some guys , drink , dance and have a good time , without drama . Drita feels free because of her filing for divorce from Lee . Carla says she is the " wing girl " and she spots the cute guys for Drita . Carla thinks Drita needs to brush up on her dating skills . Drita says she would love to meet a guy and go out on a date . Then she meets a guy who knows her and Lee and she gets annoyed because now Lee is going to know she was out having fun . Her night out is ruined . She has one last drink and she and Carla leave . She says it 's not easy to move on and close the door to a life . Big Ang , Karen and Ramona go out for drinks . Big Ang talks about her Uncle Sally Dogs and Karen asks how he got that name . Big Ang says he was like a bull dog . Karen 's father , Sammy , was very close to Sally Dogs . Those were the good old days as they all reminisce over the fun times they all shared . Big Ang brings up about her past arrest and how a friend of hers wore a wire and taped her in the bathroom peeing … " the rat bastard ! " At Renee 's house , Renee checks Junior 's appointment book . Junior is going to be sentenced in a couple of months to 18 to 21 months jail time . There has to be a PSI report done . A pre - sentencing investigation looks at everything the person has done in their life . Renee says she fights with Junior for no reason and he has distanced himself from her and she is sad . He says she has mood swings because of his cheating in the past that she can 't let go of it . She feels he doesn 't love her and he says maybe it 's because of her bad attitude . She blames her mood on the fact that she is living in limbo not know what is going to happen and waiting for him to go to jail . She is afraid to lose him and she can 't handle it , it 's killing her . Junior is matter of fact about it . She wants to fix things and be happy … be happy with Junior . He says she has nothing to worry about , he will be there for her . Big Ang and Drita are in a deli shopping . Drita tells Big Ang about her night out with Carla . Big Ang tells Drita about her husband , Neil . They are married two and a half years and after they got married things went downhill . He started staying out all night , cheating and drinking . She threw him out seven months ago . Big Ang doesn 't believe she should pay all the bills , that 's a man 's job . Big Ang tells Drita that she can 't go from a street guy to a regular guy . Big Ang 's husband is younger than Lee , only 38 ! Ramona and Renee are sitting in a booth at a restaurant talking about Junior . Ramona says she has to stop bringing her past into her future . Renee tells Ramona how she feels neglected by Junior and how there is a lack of affection between them . But , Junior has been very close to her father over the years . Renee says her father called her to ask if she was alive and then hangs up . Ramona and her dad have no relationship at all . Renee says her dad doesn 't talk to her but she knows he will always be there for her . Ramona is sad because her kids don 't have a relationship with their father or their grandfather . Renee wants to repair her relationship with her father because he is 71 and hopes that one day he will forgive her . Carla and Joe go to dinner and she tells him about a parent - teacher meeting at school . She wants him to go . Then she tells him about Drita 's idea to go speed dating and that she is going to join her and try it . He asks her if she knows what that is and she says no . Joe explains it to her and he supports her dating again . Joe and Carla reminisce about her great ass and corduroy pants . Renee is in bed feeling anxiety , depression ad exhaustion . She is hoping that Junior understand the conversation they had because he keeps pulling away from her and she doesn 't understand it . She hopes they can fix things because of the love they share . Renee is expecting Junior to come home after meeting with his parole officer , but she finds a letter that he left for her and she reads it . She becomes agitated and nervous . Renee calls her friends Nikole and Karen , to tell them what is in the letter . Junior has turned himself in to the Feds for brandishing a pistol and armed robbery . Renee has no clue where he is and why he says he isn 't using his old lawyer . She doesn 't know what to do or who to call . She is stressed , confused and devastated . Renee calls Ramona and tells her Junior woke up and took himself to jail , leaving a letter for her on the nightstand . These new charges carry a sentence of seven years in prison and will be added to his old charges of gambling . In the letter , Junior writes that he loves her , he will always love her . He hopes things work out for her and that she moves on and finds someone . Renee cries and says she will never leave him and move on . She says she can 't even cry because all she can think of is that while he is in prison she won 't have to worry about him cheating on her . Drita and Carla go speed dating and they don 't know what to expect . They are nervous . Drita is scared of meeting new guys . They meet a guy named Kevin who says he is engaged . That gets Drita worked up , like what the hell is he doing speed dating if he is in a relationship ? Another guy lives out of state and she says he might as well be in prison because they will never be able to see each other . There are a couple of young , single guys who were never married and don 't have children and they also met a couple of jerks . No one was suitable . They both leave . Karen goes over to Renee 's and Renee tells Karen everything that happened . Karen is in complete shock over the 7 year prison sentence and the whole good bye letter doesn 't make sense to her . Renee says she has nothing left , no money . Karen doesn 't know how to help her . Renee says she is losing it and starts saying , " I want to go , I want to go . " She doesn 't want to live . She is scaring Karen who tells her she has to be strong . Karen says , don 't let the government win and break you . Renee doesn 't blame the government , they are just doing their jobs . Renee 's mental state is not right . Karen begs her to be strong for AJ . Karen relates to AJ because she was his age when her father was arrested . Renee needs to find out where Junior is right now . She calls the Federal Detention Center to ask about Junior . They tell her they can 't answer anything until after midnight . Renee wants answers , so she makes her friend Nikole call and ask about Junior . This time the woman asks the inmate 's name , and Nikole says " Pagan . " The woman says Hector Pagan ? And then goes to check it out . She comes back to say that he is being processed right now and that he looks well . Nikole wants to make arrangements for AJ to see his father . The woman tells her that won 't be possible . Renee 's depression kicks in and she gets sick to her stomach . Her biggest fear is being along , of growing old alone . Karen is there for her . Renee cries and screams that she can 't save her family . It 's all too much for her . Nikole and Karen eventually leave Renee alone . Renee needs to know where Junior is to put her mind and AJ 's mind at ease . She says she has no spirit , no will no drive . Renee leaves a message for Junior 's parole officer . Then she talks to her cousin on the phone . Her cousin is at her father 's house . While she is asking her cousin questions regarding Junior 's situation she hears the police arrive at her dad 's house and terror sets in . Renee can hear what 's going on and realizes that her father is being arrested by the Feds . She cries saying she is ten minutes away and can 't get there fast enough to say good bye . Renee can 't save her family and she feels helpless . The episode ends with Renee having a serious emotional breakdown over her dad 's arrest . It 's very difficult to have any fun writing up my opinion this week when the episode deals almost exclusively with Renee 's life falling apart right before our eyes . I am thankful that what we saw last night took place months ago and that we have seen Renee fight her way back from it . Jennifer Graziano tweeted that this week and next week 's episodes were very difficult for her to watch . They were for me too . I have to admit that , when the show first started and they said it was based on reality , I was a huge skeptic and felt a lot of it was scripted . But you just can 't script these kinds of things . They were in the news and we all read it . This is as real as it gets . Renee , more than any of the other mob wives , has endured so much in the past ten months , from her horrific surgery on June 27th , battling a deadly infection , the arrest of Junior and then her father , to finding out Junior cut a deal that resulted in the ultimate betrayal of her family . And through it all , Renee has always maintained her dignity and class , continued with the show and made many appearances without skipping a beat . If that 's not a strong woman , I don 't know what is . That 's why I say , when you think of Mob Wives , you think of Renee Graziano . Now for the show ! Drita 's dating situation is looking a bit desperate . Going to a bar to find the right man isn 't going to work well for Drita . She has celebrity status and is recognizable . Someone , or more likely more than one person , is sure to know who she is . This will only be a waste of time in my opinion . Then she tried speed dating . Speed dating allows you to meet several people in the course of a few minutes , to see if you click . You spend five minutes with a person and then , if you like what you hear , you exchange numbers and meet for a drink during the week . I think that 's ok for people who are unknown , but certainly not for Drita , who will attract every jerk in the house . Here 's a suggestion for Jennifer to run with , if Drita is really available : Over the summer ask men who are interested in meeting Drita for dating and a possible relationship to submit a video of themselves and a resume . The videos must be five minutes long and reveal why they think they are the perfect match for Drita . The videos will be reviewed by Carla , Renee and Big Ang . They will pick three to five of the most promising eligible bachelor 's . Jennifer will have those guys checked out to make sure they are for real . Dates will be arranged with each guy and the whole process , from start to finish , will be filmed . It can be used as part of Mob Wives or be it 's own little summer spin off ( please no Carrie Keagan as a host ! ) . The spin off can be called , " Drita Needs A Regular Guy " or something … I can 't think of everything , I 'm not getting paid . The rest of the show is about Renee 's world crashing down around her . I was thinking about what to say this morning . Renee was emotional , but what happened is as bad as it gets for her . Next week 's episode may even be worse , when the truth comes out that Junior was behind her father 's arrest . That episode is called The Ultimate Betrayal . I just have one comment to make about the part of the show dealing with Renee . I don 't mean it as a criticism , it 's just that I don 't understand something . I was shocked that both Nikole and Karen left Renee alone considering the state of mind she was in . Of course , they might have been told to leave , and Renee really wasn 't alone because the camera crew , and possibly even Jennifer herself , were still there . But when they are filming , they make it look as though she is at home alone . So I don 't know . I don 't think Renee should have been left alone and could have used the support of everyone around her . But , no one asked me and I am not the executive producer , so I will leave the thinking to Jennifer , since she has been doing very well without my help . BAHAHAHAHA Rocky Balboa Racoon is Brilliant CHIARA ! LOVE IT ! I found this episode to sad , this was REAL , I just feel Renee has been thru hell , and we have been watching her fall apart , and wish someone would help her ! I don 't know how she is coping at all ! I also was horrified when nicole and Karen left her alone , but didnt occur to me Jenn was there , so I feel better ! I think Karen has really stepped up and who can relate to what Renees is going thru more than Karen ! I just feel Renee has been living this nightmare now for months , and relived it again last night ! I hope she can try and put this behind her one day ! Glad you liked it , I needed to ad a little humor at the end . BT Karen said that although she left she didn 't go far . Apparently her exit was for the taping only . This blog was done beautifully and with plenty of love and compassion . My heart breaks for Renee and A . J . I can 't even imagine going through half of what Renee has . And for her to come out still shining and even stronger is a testament for how wonderful of a human being and mother she is . I hope for the best for her . All the happiness and love in the world , she deserves it . Renne is emotional enough and this was just the straw that broke the camel 's back . Renee , hang in there . What doesn 't kill us will make us stronger . You 'll end up being the mentally healthiest one of the Mob Wives because this will make you grow , as you probably already have done since this was filmed . God bless you , Renee . I finally got to see this episode today . Poor Renee . Just heartbreaking . I felt terrible for her and AJ . I have to say I liked the Carla that was in this episode . Especially the scenes with her husband . ( ? they are still married right ) . Can not wait to see the next episode . how did anyone not notice the horrific editing on VH - 1 's part ? ? ! ? ! ? they really need to address this : why are renees nails BLACK when she reads the letter from junior . . THEN they are mysteriously red and chipped when everyones comes over ? bad bad editing . this has ruined the show for me . makes me think this was reshot a few times . . This episode was just heartbreaking . I can 't imagine going through all of that emotional turmoil . I really respect Renee for going through all of this and still going strong . Lol Mr . Rocky Balboa Raccoon looks pretty good ! Chiara u know the saying . . . " Every Girl needs a Raccoon in her life ! " I 'm waiting 4 my Raccoon in shinning armor ! Lol ! Thanks 4 lighting the mood , last nights episode was horrific . . . Worse thing I 've seen since , Laurie Strode cut off the Wrong Man 's Head . . in Halloween H2O . Just Horrible : - ( God , poor Renee . So is Junior out now , or did the Feds just reduce his sentence in exchange for being an informant ? Joe seems really mature and sweet . I feel like Drita 's divorce is about as real as Heidi and Spencer 's . I think she 's just trying to maintain her Image but I don 't think they 're really broken up , so I hope this dating story doesn 't go on week after week . Personally I 'd rather see Big Ang out looking for love , that would be much more entertaining . " I feel like Drita 's divorce is about as real as Heidi and Spencer 's . I think she 's just trying to maintain her Image but I don 't think they 're really broken up , so I hope this dating story doesn 't go on week after week . " You just made me laugh so hard . THANK YOU ! My heart goes out to Renee , her suffering is due to her insignificance in any ones life . I hope her son stays with her for a few more years to help her feel loved by someone . It 's hard for me to watch , lots of bad editing . I feel for Renee . She is a strong lady with true love in her heart . In time she will soar above Junior and his BS . Put your crown on Renee . You are a queen . When Renee started to scream while hearing her father getting arrested . . . it was too much for me . I agree , she 's been through so much lately and it doesn 't sound like it 's going to get better any time soon . My heart goes out to her and AJ . Hmmm . . . Drita can 't possible date Rocky Balboa Raccoon . He 's not her type . He 's not carrying a wrench . I pray Renee can someday move forward from Junior . It 's like she 's given him her soul and he stomped on it . Scene : Renee ( on phone from Poconos bar ) : Jun - iuhr ! I 'm comin home ! Junior ( frantically dialing phone from home ) : Hello ? May I speak to the agent in charge ? Uh , yeah , hello ? This is Junior Pagan . I 'm ready to take that deal ! I will do anything to get the hell away from this crazy woman ! Tell me what you need and you got it ! Wear a wire ? Sure . I can do that . You say I 'll have to relocate to Adak , Alaska ? Haven 't you got any place a little harder to get to ? - end scene - It 's just my hunch but something tells me that when Junior moved in with Renee he was already wired for sound . Remember , Renee said that since he 'd been back Junior had spent most of his time with Daddy . For the record , when your father is a lifelong criminal and one of the top Mafia echelon , no one should be surprised when the Feds come knocking at the door . Renee carried on as if her poor father had stopped at the wrong bar , at the wrong time and found himself a victim of unfortunate circumstance . Sorry . Renee the drama queen gets no sympathy from me . Hell , her own son didn 't want to be bothered with her . He couldn 't get out of the room quick enough once he saw she was turning on her drama switch . Renee had the opportunity to break the so - called cycle of the " lifestyle . " She did not have to marry someone from the " lifestyle " and then go on to glamorize that " lifestyle " for the rest of her life . She has made conscious decisions her entire adult life . Those decision have always included trading on her father 's infamous influence . What do you think Karen was talking about when they were at the table reminiscing about the good old days ? It is because the good old days for them meant never having to wait their turn for anything . It meant you acted like your shit didn 't stink because you really believed that and everyone around you acted like they held the same opinion . Renee carries herself with class and dignity ? You 're joking right . If you 're not then you must be a blood relative or being paid to say it . If you really listen to Renee she is Tuesday , March 27 , 2012 " If you 're not then you must be a blood relative or being paid to say it . " You are entitled to your opinion . It 's a show . We only see a sliver of who the Mob Wives are . I 'm not a Drita fan . Per the show I can 't stand her . Outside of the show she may be a great individual . I 'll never know . FACT : Chiara is not a blood relative to any Mob Wives cast member . She equally doesn 't get paid to blog about the show or the cast . I 'll take you at your word . However , if you are truly just an impartial observer as you claim it boggles the mind that you would refer to Renee as someone with " class and dignity . " Renee has proved time and again she wouldn 't know class and dignity if they showed up at her door with notarized references . Any " impartial " observer can see that . Helen . . . . . . that was hysterical ! ! Imagine having her waiting for you after 7 years in jail ! ! I agree with what you said , I don 't feel sorry for her , everybody made their own choices here . I feel bad for AJ , poor kid , his father is a rat , his grandfather is in jail again and he lives with a crazy woman ! ! Something I don 't understand is Renee 's father allegedly doesn 't speak to her because of the show but was still in contact with Junior . Junior also appeared on the show last season and was even in the promo for this season . So I wonder , did Renee really have no contact with her father or did they just make it seem that way so he wouldn 't be punished for it ? Is there a breakdown in reading comprehension ? You don 't have to take me at my word . I know the truth . I don 't know why it boggles your mind about another 's opinion . If you are good with yours , what does it matter ? We are just referencing a reality show . We aren 't discussing world hunger or the crisis in Syria . Where did I write impartial in my previous comment ? I believe I clearly stated everyone is entitled to their opinion . After watching the show , I have my favorites . So I am very partial when it comes to certain cast members . It 's entertainment . You 've shared your opinion of Renee Graziano . We posted it . We thank you for your time in visiting our site & commenting . I 'm just not going to continue this back & forth about Chiara 's opinion . It 's her opinion and she doesn 't have to break it down or justify it to anyone . It is mighty presumptuous of you to make the statement of : " Any impartial observer can see that . " People impartial or not see from their perspective . Individuals don 't always see the same thing . You have a wonderful day ! Methinks thou doth protest too much . Your site is where I got you are " impartial . " In your above disclaimer you state , " . . . it 's not personal for us . . . we are the peanut gallery . " It 's not personal . Now ' not personal ' is synonymous with impartial ? We are the peanut galley . We watch the show . We chose to blog about an upcoming show . The show turned out to be a success . Blog - a Web site containing the writer 's or group of writers ' own experiences , observations , opinions , etc . , and often having images and links to other Web sites . You are the one who seems to be caught up on a stranger 's opinion . I love all of the ladies on the show ! The pain just keeps piling on Rene ! Oh my ! Can the woman get a break , ever ? Her life is in a whirlwind . Did anybody else want to take a few deep breaths for her ? And that Fed on the phone , what a piece of work ? They 're all trained to be you - know - whats ! If they aren 't naturally , already . I 'm unbiased and impartial , so I understand a lot of what Helen Wheels has to say . She 's right . Completely . Renee did make a lot of these choices . She also chose never to leave Junior . Look what happened . Why would you stay with a guy after how many years when he 's cheated on you . . BEFORE you two got married . Continued the cheating afterwards , and further than that , called you fat and blamed your weight bc of it ? Renee needs to woman up . She claims this and that about protecting AJ , but you could easily say that it is unbelievably unhealthy for a child to watch their mother be mistreated and disrespected by their own father . It destroys a child . I feel for renee , but I also feel like she made those choices , despite the constant warnings she definitely had to receive from other people . Hopefully this teaches other women in her position what they should do . Renee is cool as hell and I think that just the fact that she is able to rise above all the BS she is going through is proof enough that she is a true class act ! Many other woman in her situation , who are soccer moms and " perfect examples " to society would have collapsed at the notion that their husband is a rat or their dad is in jail . Many would hit the bottle or abuse prescription drugs or whatever negative coping mechanism they can get their hands on . Renee , on the other hand , is doing the best she can with the cards she has been dealt and is trying her best to keep her integrity in the process . Since this blog is all about opinion , I think Helen makes some valid points , but I could refute and dispute each and every one of her points if I wanted to , but I will just comment on one of her last points : " And if " Daddy " meant that much to her she wouldn 't be on the show in the first place nor would her sister have even proposed it to any network " Yeah , well if SHE meant that much to Dadddy he would have chosen to lead a better life and example for his daughters . Renee and her sister are the product of their father , his upbringing and his belief system . Obviously he values comfort and the almighty dollar above everything , even above setting a good example for his daughters . By proposing a show such as this one , they are extending their belief in the " hustle " and in getting paid and creating a comfortable lifestyles for themselves without having to live the " lifestyle " they were brought up with . So if you look at it from this point of view , they have actually proven to be much better individuals than their father while not breaking any laws and hurting anyone in the process . So what if she has a big mouth ? Last time I checked EXPRESSING YOUR MIND ANY WAY YOU PLEASE isn 't against the law . VH1 is conveniently there to film the dramatic scene ( maybe even multiple times ) and to see what shock and awe this comes to Renee . Hmmm the Feds agree to wire him knowing that he is taping a reality TV show ? ? ? Yeah because the Feds like to put thier shit out there like that . Renee happens to call her cousin at the MOMENT they are arresting her father . Junior leaves a pretty little note that we get to hear read out loud confirming this is first time Renee is hearing it . Renee dramatic statement that she will NEVER GIVE UP on JR . Not adding up . The very diabolically part of me says Renee knew . She wanted it televised and documented to see what a shock this was so her fans , family and son would not suspect her of knowing a head of time . She ultimately choose Jr over her father . I think that is partly why she has been a wreck all season . Knowing what was coming . Weirder still Renee gives an interview that she has already forgiving him ? If Renees father was due to be arrested that day it makes sense that Jr would turn himself into police for protection . Not oly did he rat on renees father but he also ratted on some big bosses that were also arrested that day . How anyone in that life would bother with him knowing his conection to the show and that he not only . Condoned it but was on it himself . Well that 's . Beyond my imagination . I didn 't like the part with Renee talking about peanut butter and bread . Is she kidding me ? Her and her sister are making a fortune off the show . Plus she makes thousands for apppearences . So are we to feel bad about her finances ? Get a grip . Sell some of your jewlery and furs . and I don 't for 1 second believe that she polished her nail that day . That would have been impossible . Guess some if not all of the show is staged . I definitely do not believe Renee Graziano knew Hector had turned . Whatever strained relationship she has with her father I believe she loves him . Also Renee loves her mother dearly & wouldn 't knowingly cause her mother additional pain . I don 't think it 's weird that she is giving an interview stating she forgiven Junior . He is the father of her child . She should do what is best for A . J . , a young man who is always going to love his father . The episode was filmed months ago . So she 's had time to process it . " Karen says , don 't let the government win and break you . Renee doesn 't blame the government , they are just doing their jobs . " I feel really bad for Renee but the one good thing is you can tell just from this line that she is much more mature and healthy then Karen is by a long shot . What kind of advice is it for Karen to say " don 't let the government win and break you ? " I was so proud of Renee when she asked in confusion what the hell Karen is talking about and what do they " win " . Does Karen think this is personal ? Does she not understand that there are consequences to actions ? I 'm no fan of the ( often corrupt ) government but I thought Karen 's attempt to help Renee through this crisis by making it an us vs them situation between the government and her family was childish and unhealthy . Kudos to Renee for seeing through it and recognizing that " the life " is really just a big lie . If anyone has tried to break Renee , it 's Junior , and his selfishness , his callous treatment of her feelings and his absolutely inability to put his family first . I think the song is call Things are Changin ' if you are referring to the song while Renee is in bed after she found the note from Junior . It is by an artist named Gary Clark Jr . A blues artist out of Austin . I did a post on him when his music was featured earlier in the season . It is on the Bright Lights EP . I hope this is what you were asking about . Here is a youtube link . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 2eh _ CHn1EWg Lee and his boo Drita during happier times Everyone not from Staten Island wants to see a Lee D ' avanzo pictu e . We did t o ! W Just hung up the phone with a client ; I have to go to work . Oh boy this is going to be a busy week . Well readers have been asking where L . . . We all know , I love me some Renee Graziano of Mob Wives . I didn 't always . Some readers have accused us of being The Renee Graziano Blo . . . Natalie Guercio a . k . a . Princess Funeral Home a . k . a . South Philly Molly upon meeting Renee Graziano a . k . a . Crumb Killer 's date mentioned he " … smelled delicious … " What 's your take on South Philly Molly 's comment ? I 'm going to need all the Mob Wives to look up the word C - L - A - S - S ! Until then who is the classiest mob wife in your opinion ? We are NOT asking who your favorite is ! Who has the most class ? Mob Mistress on occasion gives a cast member a nickname . Example : Carla 's Male Friend is referred to as Handy Man because Renee & Karen claim he touched them . Which nicknames nicknames make you giggle ? The best , the brightest & even those challenged keep us giggling . Of Dogs and Men , episode 16 was one of my favorite episodes . Which scene of the following scenes was your favorite ? Torn Apart was an emotional episode for Renee Graziano . Most of us watch Mob Wives for entertainment purposes & WTF moments . What was a WTF moment for you this episode ?
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Well , good morning ! Merry Christmas ! I hope you had a nice , relaxing day - one full of joy and celebration - time with family and friends and loved ones - a day of abundance , of loving - kindness . I hope you had that - because today 's reading yanks us out of our reverence and abundance into darkness and terror . So the child Immanuel , G - d - with - us , is here . He has come ! Angels announce his birth to shepherds , who rejoice in all the things G - d has done . The stars themselves align to mark his birth . Wise men from far away bring royal and extravagant gifts . It makes a beautiful picture - just like our kids in the Christmas pageant - all wondering and reverent around the manger in the final tableau . Then Matthew tears us away from the Christmas - card picture . The shepherds leave , the angels ascend , and the magi take off by a side road to avoid Herod . The wise men , you see , were well intentioned : they saw the star when it rose , and knew that it marked the birth of the King of the Jews - so they brought royal gifts , and they went to the royal house of Jerusalem , to Herod the Great . They expected to find the royal child in a royal palace . They weren 't precise on his birthdate - sometime two years before . The problem was , no child had been born to Herod 's family in that time . So the wise men , well intentioned as they were , tipped off Herod to the birth of a rival king - an enemy - a challenge to the throne . So Herod reacts the way that kings react when their throne is threatened : he destroys the competition . He commands the death of every baby boy in and around Bethlehem , two years old or younger . If he kills the child , there is no threat , no enemy . And so the voices of all the mothers , all the children , all the women and men and every resident of Bethlehem , become one voice of wailing and loud lamentation . And Joseph and Mary and the baby escape to Egypt , to stay until Herod is dead . So G - d is with us ! Immanuel has come ! And they try to kill him . Mary and Joseph have to run , escaping in the darkness , to protect their newborn child - the Son of G - d . Now this does not work . The Son of G - d should not have to go into hiding . The Son of G - d had his birth proclaimed by angels - marked by stars - acknowledged by wise men in far away nations . Such an amazing baby should not have to hide . The angels should take up flaming swords , and stand guard around the simple stable , just daring Herod 's soldiers to come closer . This is the story we might want . It works much more neatly if the Almighty arrives , laying down some serious trouble for Herod and anyone else who wants to mess with G - d 's Son . It 's easier to have fire and brimstone raining down , the clouds torn open by giant hands and a loud booming voice saying , " This is my Son ; back off . " This would be upsetting - if it weren 't true . It is true , and it is true because the same thing happens over and over for the next thirty - three years . Throughout the story of Jesus ' birth , life , and death , we get a picture of G - d doing unexpected and unsettling things . G - d in infant form has to run away to Egypt . Then G - d in adult form shows up at the River Jordan and proclaims that the kingdom of G - d is at hand . G - d welcomes tax collectors , and prostitutes , and Samaritans , and sinners , and Romans , and people who just aren 't - welcome . G - d talks about justice , and love , and compassion , and mercy . And when the powers - that - be finally get their hands on G - d , there is no angel with flaming sword , no fire and brimstone , no voice from heaven - there is only the cross . G - d is born among us , G - d lives among us , and G - d dies among us . G - d comes to earth , and the world comes to kill him . And this is how our lives are , too . Some of us celebrated yesterday . We were surrounded by friends and family , our loved ones . We played board games or chased our cousins around the tree or watched new babies play together . We went for a walk in the snowfall . We made krumkake and ate spiral - cut honey - baked ham and drank eggnog and cider . We opened present after present , and watched as our loved ones opened theirs . At the end of the day , the house was full of joy , and good smells , and little scraps of ribbon and wrapping paper . But some of us - and some of our friends and co - workers and neighbors - some of us who celebrate the very same birth of the very same Jesus - some of us woke to a cold house . Some couldn 't be with loved ones - some didn 't want to be with family . Some didn 't have enough presents . Some didn 't have enough food . Some were having their first Christmas without a child , or a spouse , or a parent , or a sibling . Some of us woke up , and found ourselves running to Egypt . Mary and Joseph 's escape is the truth of our own story . The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay is not a magic amulet . He doesn 't protect Mary and Joseph against Herod 's army . Nor do the wise men , or the angels , or the stars . Jesus is born - as extraordinary as a birth can get - and then suffers the same pains we do - the same longings , the same despair . This is the truth of our life . Not every scene is the children 's pageant tableau . And not every day can be Christmas . Each one of us will have days , weeks , months , even years when we feel that all we are doing is escaping to Egypt . We feel Herod 's threat - death and destruction - everywhere . We are threatened by our own past and our own pain . Our bodies begin to fail us . We flee families and friends and communities - even church communities - where G - d 's mercy and lovingkindness cannot be found . G - d is with the innocent children when Herod 's soldiers strike . G - d is with the mothers weeping in Bethlehem . G - d is in Mary 's arms as she and Joseph disappear under the cover of nightfall . G - d is standing at the banks of the Jordan , getting his feet wet and his toes sandy . G - d is with the sinner and the tax collector and the prostitute and the Roman , not only when they stand before Jesus but in every moment of their lives up until then . And G - d is at the cross . G - d does not transcend the pain of this world - does not call on angels to deliver him . He feels with us , suffers with us , and dies with us - to raise us to new life . G - d does not send angels with flaming swords but mercy , and compassion , and loving - kindness . G - d does not fight the powers - that - be with yet more power , but with love . G - d does not strengthen us for war but for peace - for hard work - for justice . G - d is with us in all our sufferings , and G - d 's presence saves us . And we are given Christ - this tiny , helpless baby , who disappears into the darkness and flees to Egypt , but who will one day return . Who will one day begin to teach of all the good things G - d has done for us , all that has been done out of G - d 's mercy and in the abundance of G - d 's steadfast love . We are given this tiny baby , Immanuel , G - d - with - us , who dares us to dream of a world with no ruling from Herod , no flight to Egypt , no wailing and loud lamentation in Ramah . This tiny , vulnerable , suffering G - d comes among us to call us out of our own suffering , to open our eyes to each other 's pain , and to embolden our hands to begin the long and hard work of redemption . It was fitting that G - d , for whom and through whom all things exist , in bringing many children to glory , should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through sufferings . For the one who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one Father . For this reason Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters , saying , " I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters , in the midst of the congregation I will praise you . " And again , " I will put my trust in him . " And again , " Here am I and the children whom G - d has given me . " Since , therefore , the children share flesh and blood , he himself likewise shared the same things , so that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death , that is , the devil , and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by the fear of death . For it is clear that he did not come to help angels , but the descendants of Abraham . Therefore he had to become like his brothers and sisters in every respect , so that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of G - d , to make a sacrifice of atonement for the sins of the people . Because he himself was tested by what he suffered , he is able to help those who are being tested . Now after they had left , an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said , " Get up , take the child and his mother , and flee to Egypt , and remain there until I tell you ; for Herod is about to search for the child , to destroy him . " Then Joseph got up , took the child and his mother by night , and went to Egypt , and remained there until the death of Herod . This was to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet , " Out of Egypt I have called my son . " When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men , he was infuriated , and he sent and killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under , according to the time that he had learned from the wise men . Then was fulfilled what had been spoken through the prophet Jeremiah : " A voice was heard in Ramah , wailing and loud lamentation , Rachel weeping for her children ; she refused to be consoled , because they are no more . " When Herod died , an angel of the Lord suddenly appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said , " Get up , take the child and his mother , and go to the land of Israel , for those who were seeking the child 's life are dead . " Then Joseph got up , took the child and his mother , and went to the land of Israel . But when he heard that Archelaus was ruling over Judea in place of his father Herod , he was afraid to go there . And after being warned in a dream , he went away to the district of Galilee . There he made his home in a town called Nazareth , so that what had been spoken through the prophets might be fulfilled , " He will be called a Nazorean . " Kristi 's choir had a gig at the Guthrie , singing carols in the lobby before A Christmas Carol and 39 Steps started . Afterwards we went out to Spill the Wine , and I met her director and his wife . His wife 's an Ole , a music education major , and an Ole Choir graduate . It was pretty much impossible for us not to get along . We did a little reminiscing about choir , and Dr . Armstrong , and such . It was cute in a music nerdy way . Then suddenly the conversation shifted , and I found myself in a middle of a methodological explanation ( on three glasses of wine … hurrr ) of my call and what it means for me , for Kristi , for us , and for the church . This happens a lot . I don 't know in what proportion it happens to straight pastors and pastors - in - training , but I feel like it happens to me more - that conversations with strangers or acquaintances at parties and dinners suddenly turn into one laptop short of a PowerPoint presentation on what the church could be if it took a sideways glance at what Jesus wanted it to be . These conversations are primarily happening with people who grew up churched ( as is the majority in the Midwest ) but now , in their twenties and thirties , have not found a church home . Some are wary of religion , some disinterested , some downright angry . Yet our conversations are exciting and life - giving . ( Okay , there are some people who are jerks . But I am pretty sure , from other behaviors exhibited during the same gathering , that they are jerks in other situations , and therefore not worthy of spending my down - time arguing with . ) I wonder if my " queer " calling speaks to those who are " outside " the church tradition in a way that a straight pastor does not . Am I , the long excluded , seen as a fellow outsider - another person the church has failed ? Is my calling not a manifestation of the insanity of Bible - thumping but a startling and fascinating commitment to an institution that has condemned , vilified , damned , and ( at best ) ignored me ? Am I not a supporter of the system , but one committed to its renewal ? Hebrew final cancelled . Paper on ministry with queer youth submitted . Mark final emailed . Systematic theology essay sitting on my hard drive , to be printed and turned in tomorrow . And suddenly my first semester of seminary is over . It 's a little anticlimactic ; I finished the very final paper alone in my apartment , with Kristi at work and Oliver asleep in his cat cube . I 'll drive to campus tomorrow to turn it in , but I don 't know if I 'll see anyone . I feel extraordinarily ambivalent . It is fitting , I think , for me to feel torn at this moment . Life back in school has been a total subversion of all my unconscious expectations about school . I had , to begin with , no idea what I was going to learn this year , and not even an inkling of how much . I had no idea how many heart would swell and ache in daily worship with excitement and joy . I had no idea ( although I might have guessed ) how great a support Kristi would be to me , how accommodating and loving and compassionate in my times of overwork , undersleep , and stress . I had no idea when I finally turned that application in last March that I was going to have moments where I felt totally alone . I had completely forgotten how hard it was that first semester at Olaf , when I was eighteen and completely redefining myself after spending so many years as a sick girl . If I loved my Olaf friends four months ago , I love them so much more now - for simply being the amazing people they are , and radically allowing me to participate in that and to grow and celebrate and laugh and cry and dance with them . Now I have begun to add new friends to this community that I rely on for strength , joy , and celebration . I had no idea how many amazing people I would meet this semester . Perhaps abstractly I knew that G - d sometimes calls incredible , gifted , wondrous individuals to serve the church . But I had no real concrete expectations for how amazing and diverse the student body at Luther Seminary would be . If I have any confidence in my call , I have so much more in theirs . If I am excited to be a paPosted by There is a Buddhist saying that goes , " If you meet the Buddha on the road , kill him . " I ran across this as the title to a book on an old index - file card in the Rolvaag Library at Olaf . I was in the middle of turning said index cards into notecards for class , but I took this particular card , tucked it into my Oxford Annotated NRSV , and decided to come back to it later . Four years or more later , I have no idea where the card is . The phrase occurred to me again today - only G - d knows why - so I looked it up . From Daily Buddhism : The road , the killing , and even the Buddha are symbolic . The road is generally taken to mean the path to Enlightenment ; that might be through meditation , study , prayer , or just some aspect of your way of life . Imagine meeting some symbolic Buddha . Would he be a great teacher that you might actually meet and follow in the real world ? Could that Buddha be you yourself , having reached Enlightenment ? Or maybe you have some idealized image of perfection that equates to your concept of the Buddha or Enlightenment . Whatever your conception is of the Buddha , it 's WRONG ! Now kill that image and keep practicing . This all has to do with the idea that reality is an impermanent illusion . If you believe that you have a correct image of what it means to be Enlightened , then you need to throw out ( kill ) that image and keep meditating . Sam Harris at Shambhala Sun says : Like much of Zen teaching , this seems too cute by half , but it makes a valuable point : to turn the Buddha into a religious fetish is to miss the essence of what he taught . In considering what Buddhism can offer the world in the twenty - first century , I propose that we take Lin Chi 's admonishment rather seriously . As students of the Buddha , we should dispense with Buddhism . Richard Layton says : The Zen Master warns : " If you meet Buddha on the road , kill him ! " This admonition points up that no meaning that comes from outside ourselves is real . The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained . We need only recognize it . Killing the BuddhPosted by Today , as in many other class days , tangents were gone off upon during systematic theology . In order to keep myself from swearing more than usual ( and I was swearing under my breath quite a bit when we hit the 20 - minute mark ) , I started thinking about Christmas cards and presents . Who do I still need to buy gifts for , when will Kristi and I get the time to write and mail cards , is there a cute photo of us from the year that we should get printed ? As I look at our card list , I realize how many people that we love are from our years at Olaf . We road tripped this summer to see Hannah in Milwaukee and Liz in Madison ; Emily and Paul were just in town over Thanksgiving ; Amanda and Kira were here last summer ; Amy and Sarah are our Saturday brunch buddies ; we just saw Catherine , Steven , and little Asher on Monday night for dinner ; Eric and Abby 's save - the - date is on our fridge ; we just saw Sarah at Christmasfest ; we lounged at Becky 's cabin this summer with Liz and Sarah and Kevin and Jose ; Joel just met me for beer and theology talk last month ; there were tons of Oles at my birthday party last spring ; we did Sauce / Cause Trivia night with Sam and Joel this summer . It occurred to me too how many people I 've met at Luther , just in these short four months ( how can it be finals already ? ! ) , who will be added to the Christmas list in our future . It is a really great place , and there are some really great people . Living twenty minutes away from campus makes " community building " tricky - I don 't have the privilege of walking down the hall and knocking on a friend 's door when I need to hash out an upcoming paper or that day 's class discussion . If I want to watch a movie at 2am , the only person who 's joining me is Kristi - and the cat . So I tried to be intentional these past few months ; I sought out " community building " activities and stayed on campus later than I needed and arrived earlier than necessary and friended everyone I could on Facebook . And I definitely fretted about friends and friend groups - Kristwith physical manifestations of Her lovingkindness ; Backing up : today , Marie preached in chapel , and organized the worship . Marie is one of my favorite people . We 're the same age and graduated from Olaf together ; we shared religion classes , and chapel worship , and student congregation council meetings . Marie was and is one of the clearest manifestations of the best things about being Lutheran . She 's always been an advocate for " people like me " and I trust her completely . And the worship she put together was spectacular . She integrated a great , student - led worship band , and had a PowerPoint presentation to accompany her sermon . This is new stuff for Luther Seminary daily chapel ; we are pretty old - school as far as worship goes , sticking to the hymnal almost exclusively . And I was really excited for it , because I think that the old - school style is horrifically overused and that we 're getting the serious short end of the stick in our worship training because of it . Because scared little seventeen - year - old girl was remembering every single church service with praise and worship , and a message preached from the floor , and Scripture read from PowerPoints - every single service like this that has been bookended by the reminder that " people like me " are not welcome . That we are an abomination . That we are condemned . When the Prayers of the People were done over improved keyboard , with " Take Me As I Am " as the response , the scared little girl inside me screamed . I tried to calm her , tried to tell her we were safe and no one was going to cast us out , but the prayers underlaid with music beat against her like fundamentalist fists . I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to keep it together , tried to sniffle as if I had a cold and not as if tears were covering my wretched face . Scared little girl wanted to run , needed to get out , but we were in a middle pew with people on both sides - there was no way to leave without notice . I felt every emotion just like I felt them when I was seventeen and very broken and lost . So I was crying too ; crying because I could not calm the scared little girl inside me , and crying because she is still inside me . Much as I want to believe that the wounds of condemnation have been healed over by the grace of Christ and the love shown to me by so many of His children , they are not forever gone . They are still there . The scared little girl is still inside me , and still scared , and still ready to run . I went to Selah , the Sunday night worship and praise service , for three years at Olaf . For the first two years I did not feel unsafe . Catherine led worship , and Catherine was a friend who I trusted . There was no condemnation , no hatred , no abomination , only the beauty of the music . Then leadership changed , and the self - centered music began to come in , and Christus Victor reigned supreme . Whether this indicated a change in theology or only demonstrated what had always been believed , I do not know . But I stopped going . I long now for the beauty of Selah , for those moments of freedom and joy and celebration . I want again to sing praise and worship music - but there is nowhere safe . So , so , so often it is a symbol of a theology that will gleefully destroy me and my queer brothers and sisters in the name of the idolatry of fundamentalism . I do not seek it out . But here at Luther , I would be safe . I would be safe to sing those songs again , and to learn new ones , because I stand in the company of Marie , and Jamie , and Kayla , and Kim , and so many others who know who and what I am and yet stand next to me . I must learn these songs - we all must - because so many of them are beautiful and good , but also because so many Lutheran churches hunger for a life - giving service that can be made from this music . How are we to know how to select praise and worship music , and to incorporate it into our Lutheran worship , if it is never played in our own house of worship ? This is the only place now that I am safe to learn these songs . All my roommates can attest that the Christmas season starts , for me , in October . That 's when I begin baking cookies and planning presents and hanging Christmas lights and dancing wildly around my room while conducting the Trans - Siberian Orchestra 's Carol of the Bells . Yeah , I 'm that girl . I 'm Christmasing before Macy 's . I 've toned it down for Kristi ( no decorations till Thanksgiving ) but I 'm still blasting the Muppet Christmas Carol " It Feels Like Christmas " on my commute . First snow ? You bet I 'm playing in it . And on the altar of my heart , all year round , is a string of white Christmas lights . I 'm a Christmas kid . I was raised a Christmas kid . Come November , our house was full of Italian cookies baking . Mom and Dad put up a pine tree every year even though Mom was allergic and it made a heroic mess of the floor . In December , we hung a wooden Christmas tree with a drawer for every day - an Advent calendar with an ornament for each day till Christmas Eve . We filled every shelf with Santas and carefully set up Mom 's dime - store creche . And on Christmas Eve , the whole neighborhood set out luminaria : Christmas means family and tradition - especially of my mom , who worked so hard to give me a normal childhood in the midst of my dad 's compounding illness and my growing loneliness . Then I went to Saint Olaf College where CHRISTMAS IS INESCAPABLE . Christmas trees in the commons . A fire in Fireside . Lutefisk and lefse in the caf . Alumni showed up in snowflake sweaters . And stressed out students steal the caf trays just to slide Old Main Hill , and above quiet hours you 'll hear Boe Chapel bells . And I sang in the Saint Olaf Choir and guys there is NOTHING LIKE THIS . ANYWHERE . EVER . Ever . And then : I met this incredible , amazing , wonderful , brilliant , compassionate , funny , wonderful woman . And we fell in love . And it was Christmas . How could I not be a Christmas kid after all this ? How could I not be unbearably exuberant at the first sign of snow ? How could I not have a smartphone half - full of carols and choPosted by I grew up gay . I always was . Even when I was coming up with a complicated scheme to ask Eric to the Sadie Hawkins Dance or flirting with Nate in French class , every move was made to draw the attention of the girls around us . At sixteen , I finally opened my mouth and admitted it - to myself , and to my friends . I was never bullied . I was never made fun of . A few friends did tell me that I was going to hell . But they were friends , and they had the goodness ( I do think it was goodness ) to tell me what they thought was truth to my face . In the high school world of cattiness and backstabbing , I was treated like a human being . ( Church was another matter , as I 've said before . ) In my senior year , I came out to my entire AP Psychology class . We were told to re - create the box of ourselves - the outside that we showed to everyone else , and the inside that we hid . I built a triangle box , and covered it in rainbows , and when the time came for my turn to share whatever I cared to share , I opened the box . Now , it was a high school of six hundred to a graduating class , and there were only thirty in AP Psych . And there was certainly cattiness everywhere , and mean things thought and said . And I was fighting my own darkness - it wasn 't all rainbows and unicorns . But when I think about how my sexuality was handled - all I remember is love . My world is not the world for all gay children and youth . Many of us are born into families that hate us . Many of us go to church and hear ourselves damned . Many of us go to school and are mocked and teased and hated even more . I was blessed to be born to a family and a church and a community that loved me . It is the church 's job now to be that community to every one of my suffering queer brothers and sisters . There is too much hurt in the world , and too much joy to be had , for us to be silent . It would turn out , in the long run , that many of the things which drove me nuts in the Episcopal Church - tradition for tradition 's sake , the perpetuation of hierarchy , the reluctance to throw out people who perpetuated oppression and cruelty , and a basic inability to keep out pastors who never should have been granted positions of spiritual power - are present in the ELCA as well . But I believed then , and still do now , that the theological groundings of the Lutheran Church allow more space to fight against these things than I found in the Episcopal church . ( Check back in four years and see if I 'm still singing this song . ) The ELCA has finally put one leg into its big - boy pants and allowed the ordination of individuals in publically accountable lifelong monogamous same - gender relationships , a . k . a . the queer folk . We 've still got a long way to go , but the major administrative roadblocks are down . And I recognize that the ELCA 's non - decision is a nice , covenantal , loving way to try to keep everyone together , and I 'm trying to respect that even though I personally would very much like to tell certain members to take their oppressive , heterosexist , cruel , anti - Christian and anti - Lutheran ideas and go play elsewhere . It 's been my opinion for a while that the Episcopal Church should just say PBbbbbhtt ! to the Anglicans who can 't get their big - boy pants on , but I know this is not a very Christian opinion and blah blah blah . I 'm somewhat with Bishop Spong on this one : " Look , y ' all , if you 're not going to have a grown - up conversation with me , then I 'm not going to have one with you . " I don 't have to care . Pbbbhttt ! I can say to them ! Take your pointy hats and your funny curse words and go play somewhere else . But I do care , because this is my home church that you 're messing with , and I care about my queer brothers and sisters in all churches . As I read your analysis , what came to my mind is that those wanting the Covenant are at least " gnostic light , " if not full - on gnostic . They hold the truth . They know if you are worth of membership , and will vote on it . Another answer , " Unwholesome thoughts and / or deeds ( greed , hatred , and violence ) in this or prior lives return as suffering ( karma ) , " was close - but Kristi and I agreed that the use of the word karma made it hard to choose that answer . Since we don 't believe in reincarnation ( but , Kristi adds , " I don 't not believe in reincarnation " ) , we couldn 't attribute suffering to karma . But there 's no question that our human sins , a . ka . bad deeds , are revisited to us or others in this life as suffering . Allie at Hyperbole and a Half is the greatest . She blogs & draws about terrifying or embarrassing events in her life , and has this community of readers who all shout " OMG - D ME TOOO ! " It 's a big cathartic affirmation - fest . I love it . ( Bloggess Jenny also does this . ) I am convinced that if the church could learn to do what Allie and Jenny do , but in worship , we would see attendance go through the roof . People are hungry for a space to be themselves - their embarrassing , awkward , weird , funny selves . People are hungry for a place to admit their shortcomings and their fears . The church has not made a place for this . Yes , we have Bible studies and small groups , and you might get this in those - but on any given Sunday , we gather in a big group and even though we say We are bound by sin and cannot free ourselves and Christ have mercy and Forgive us our sins , our faces seem to say that everything is hunky - dory . We pretend like we 've just won the award for having it all together : This is baloney . We are all hurting . And we need space to hurt . And I 'm starting to wonder if segregating that honest , hurting time into small groups ( which not all members attend ) is gypping everyone . Small groups hinder us by : - Allowing us to choose our own small groups . If we make our small groups fluid ( for the sake of accessibility ) , it becomes too easy for me to say " I 'll go to the Friday evening group because Julia 's going " or " I 'm leaving the Wednesday afternoon coffee group because I 'm sick of David 's ranting . " Worship says : tough cookies . David is just as much worth your interest as Julia is . - Asking for more time commitments . We 're running out of space we can call " church time . " When I was in elementary school , there was nothing going on after school on Wednesdays because it was church time . This was a given . Homework was lighter on Wednesday nights , because teachers had been told that a majority of their students had other commitments . Now I have kids who don 't show up at 9 : 15 on a Sunday morning because they have a soccer game at 10 . I 'm not saying that the secular ( a . k . a non - church ) culture needs to make time for us , or that we should give up other occupations to devote more time to worship . These two things may be true , but the facts are that secular culture isn 't going to give worship more time , and we aren 't either . What I 'd rather argue is that if the culture isn 't making space for us , and if we can 't make oodles of space for ourselves , we should focus on making the space that we do have worthwhile . That hour on a Sunday morning should be life - changing . We should not require everyone else to plug - in to small groups , Sunday School , adult forums , Bible studies , etc . in order to get the fullness of the church - not because those groups aren 't worthwhile but because not all members of the church can commit to them . So : What if worship - not small groups , not Bible studies , not weekend retreats - what if worship was intimate , and moving , and gave us a safe space to look into the darkness ? What if our Sunday morning experience of Jesus was one who faced that darkness with us , who said , " Hold on . I 'm here . It sucks now but we 're going to get through it . " ? What if the coffee hour on Sunday morning looked like the comments on Allie 's and Jenny 's blogs - where people felt free to share their barrenness and need , and others responded in love by sharing their own ? I 've had a rough couple of weeks . Integrating into a new community is hard for me . ( This is one of the reasons I write things down now : I had forgotten until just recently how long it took to hit my stride at Olaf . I do not want to forget again . ) So I 'm tossing in a prayer in the morning between toast and coffee . These prayers are nothing elegant . They consist mostly of " I 'm screwed . Please help . " I forgot the reasons I don 't like to pray . First : because it opens a channel for Jesus to speak into my barrenness , into my absolute crap of a self . The crap me does not like Jesus interfering . He 's into accepting everyone and pursuing justice and it 's just not fun or easy . I do not particularly care to hear over my cup of coffee that I need to pay more attention to the problems of those around me than to my own - - even though I know this is true and good . But second - I am bothered by prayer because it does change me . I 've felt extraordinarily better the past two days . I 've felt peaceful . Why should I receive anything ? Are Adam and Sarah comforted as they pray in the midst of the loss of their twin boys ? Are the children in Haiti filled with an inexplicable peace even as the cholera racks their bodies and families and communities ? Are my friends and compatriots at Luther any more soothed , any better able to sleep or to wake ? If not for any of these , then why for me ? Katherine is now more widely known as " the Craigslist nanny , " the girl who answered an ad in Minneapolis , and whose body was later found in a trunk . The facts of her murder are gruesome and sickening . Her murderer is now in prison , for life , with no chance of parole . Katherine 's little brother , Karl , was married this past weekend . I know Karl also as only an acquaintance , but we have several mutual friends , so my Facebook feed has been filled with photographs and congratulations . Yesterday I was meditating on the beauty of this : that a month and week and days so filled with pain , death , and grief are now colored with joy and celebration . Katherine would want it this way . I know that all I am learning now will help me to stand in the midst of darkness and nothingness . I know this . I do . And I believe it . I simply do not believe it at this present moment . This is really , really interesting to me , because I 've become convinced in the past five years that the way we " do church " right now is killing pastors , congregations , and people - and is entirely antithetical to the body of Christ . I don 't just mean " American Christianity " , where Caucasian Jesus nukes the Arabs while holding an American Flag and riding a triceratops ( although obviously that is antithetical ) . I mean the programmatic life , the insistence that if we " do " worship or Bible Study or Sunday School or youth group or whatever " correctly " , then we 'll get more members . I mean the idea that these things can be done " correctly " , and that more members is the ultimate goal of the body of Christ . I am seventeen years old . Raised Episcopalian , but now wandering in the wilderness of who G - d is and how to worship . This wandering has brought me here : Threshing Floor , the Abundant Life Assembly of God youth group . Bekah , a close friend from school , brought me . I 've been attending for a year . Mom says " Don 't . " Mom says " When they know who you are , they will not welcome you . " I tell her , with infinite teenage wisdom , that she is wrong . But I do not tell anyone at church who I am . Bekah knows , because everyone at school knows ; but at church I am silent . It is October 16th . Tonight we have a special youth group : pastors - in - training from a seminary with ties to Abundant Life are coming to preach . I am excited , because I have felt a call to ministry since I was twelve . Maybe this is how I can live it . Maybe they will show me the way . A young man gets up to preach . He has a different style than our youth pastor ; angrier . He begins to rail on drug and alcohol abuse among teenagers in America . I nod , along with the rest of the group . Yes . This is evil . This is sin separating them from God . He moves on to abortion . The rest of the group nods . I hesitate . I do not know much ; I am only seventeen ; I am the daughter of liberal parents . When he moves on , I am grateful . I am not sure where I stand , and I am glad not to have to worry about it . I hope that he will say depression , or anxiety , or loneliness . I am fighting all three . I think everyone is lonely . Maybe if we admit it , we can defeat it , together in our loneliness . I see Bekah 's head turn . She is looking at me . I cannot move . I cannot think . Everything is slowing down and speeding up . I hear his words but they have become an angry babble , a hellfire spreading through my heart . I close my eyes , praying for something , anything to happen . Please G - d , please . But nothing happens . He continues - his voice louder - his shouts beating down the pulse of my heart . I am naked before all of them . I have taken off my shoes , as many of us do to start worship ; I am barefoot , my sandals left in the sanctuary with my Bible and purse . I cannot turn back . I push open the door to the lobby , and stand in the light there . Finally the vise around my heart releases , and a flood of tears overcomes me . My bare feet carry me to the girls ' bathroom . I weep . Oh G - d , oh G - d . I do not even know what I am crying for ; only that I feel so impossibly and irrevocably broken that even G - d will not hear me . She begins barraging me . What is in you that made you abandon worship ? I cannot answer . She assumes , and continues . What kind of wicked temptation is this ? I cannot answer . And so begins a story I only half - hear , about temptation and sin and damnation . Her words pound against me . I am no longer in myself ; I am floating above , trying to escape . Bekah stands , unsure , seventeen years old , powerless . J leans closer , nailing the words of condemnation against my skin . I am trapped . Everything I have ever learned about G - d and Jesus and love falls away . J wants me to pray the sinner 's prayer , to turn to Christ and accept salvation . I hear the words but I am stone . She lets my silence hang in the air . I feel my heart . Not pounding ; not stopped ; not choked - - a steady , sure beat . Tears fill my eyes again . J , seeing that the moment is at hand , jumps at my emotional wreckage and says : I walk from the bathroom . I hear J call my name but I do not turn . Bekah catches up to me , says she 'll get my shoes , says she 'll meet me in the car . I walk outside and sit in her Crown Royal until worship is over and we leave . I know that J thinks that I turned my back on G - d . What J does not know is that I have no such option . I am dead without G - d ; I know this , for I nearly died the year before . Now , my only choice is to submit to the terrifying truth : This is all my little self knows . I knew it at seventeen when the preacher - in - me took the scared - and - scarred - girl - in - me by the hand and walked her out of a place that would have killed me . I knew it at nineteen when I opened my first theology book - Martin Luther 's Three Treatises - and felt my heart expand in the joy of coming home . I knew it at twenty when I was confirmed in Boe Chapel , and later that year when I met Kristi . I knew it at twenty - four when finally , finally , finally , the scared - and - scarred - little - girl saw a church stand up and say " Yes " to me and my queer brothers and sisters . And now I see it every day , in the place where I will be taught to live out the promise of preaching in the midst of my absolute brokenness . This is kind of a big thing to admit , especially for a kid raised in a high - church Episcopal congregation and a pastor - in - training who hopes to never have to skip the Nicene Creed in liturgy . ( I love the creed . I absolutely do . It connects me backward and forward to Christians in time , and I believe what it confesses . ) Maybe I just don 't know what is meant by " persons " . Maybe when the Church Fathers have said " persons " they meant " manifestations . " I may not know enough definitely don 't know enough to know . I cannot even begin to write about Seth , Asher , Justin , Billy , Tyler , and Raymond , but to say : This is my family . The world kills them . And my heart is too heavy to speak . At the moments when I let my mind & heart awaken to the absolute terrifying darkness of what is going on , I feel absolute despair . How long , O LORD , how long ? If you had been here , they might not have died . Question about using G - d instead of the full name : how do you pronounce it ? Do you say " the LORD " instead , like saying Adonai instead of Y - h ? Or is this a written based situation only ? Google is inconclusive on the subject . Although I learned that orthodox Jews say Ha - Shem , for " The Name , " which I like . It would be good for Christianity to be more intentional about things . I feel like if I adopted saying Ha - Shem or anything besides God , I 'd spend a lot of time explaining it and sounding pretentious rather than inspiring / reminding others to be respectful of the name . But this could be fixed if a large part of Christians would spend more time UNDERSTANDING WHERE THEY CAME FROM and less time hiding pedophiles , converting " pagans , " or protesting at military funerals . Sigh . Pelt away ! I look forward to any questions you have for me , and I 'll answer them as best I can . We write G - d instead of " God " because anything that has a name of G - d written upon it is considered holy , and therefore we risk desecrating the name of G - d if the paper we wrote on is ever thrown away or destroyed . There is a process for properly disposing of holy items such as prayer books that have worn out or become unuseable , much like there is a process for properly disposing of a tattered American flag . But as a rule , even non - religious Jews don 't write " God , " and default to the G - d in writing . In terms of pronunciation , G - d is pronounced the same as " God . " It is spoken as well as written . Commonly , as you said , folks will say HaShem instead of " God , " mostly because it is the title G - d refers to him / herself with in the Bible . Even non - religious ( secular ) Jews will say HaShem , but for them ( us ) it is a comfort issue . When spoken , " HaShem " feels more like a name than a title , like Adonai , Elohim , etcetera , and in general folks are more comfortable saying it than they are saying " God . " There are many sayings that use Hashem , such as Baruch Hashem , a catch - all phrase . It can be used in greeting : Jews rarely use the English word " Lord , " which in Hebrew is Adonai or Elohim . Although , I think it 's funny when someone is saying " Oh my G - d " on English TV the Hebrew subtitles say " Elohim ! " Also , the Jewish equivalent of the phrase OMG is " Oh my gee - dash - dee ! " It 's mainly a joke , I don 't know how many folks actually use it . But I think it 's funny . So anyway , there you have it . G - d is pronounced " God , " and Hashem is a delightful , catch - all phrase which is applicable in just about any situation . I 'm all for you using the term if you like it ! It 's fun and will be a conversation starter ! I hope this has helped ! Please bring me all your questions ! ! ! I love being religion - geeky with you ! ! ! Your She - brew , " The experience of the numen is terrifying precisely because it raises ontological questions : who am I ? who is God ? what is my purpose ? The God testified to in Hebrew Scriptures and embodied in Jesus of Nazareth does not ask these questions - this God raises them and then answers them ! " This string of words bugged me . It was clear - to me , anyway - that the God I talked about when I said " who is God ? " is not the God I talk about when I say " the God testified to in Hebrew Scriptures " . The first God is a descriptor for the terrifying numen , a sort of general bigger - than - self thing . The second God is the God who tore open the sky and descended like a dove and went around for three years saying " Please be a little bit nicer to each other . " ( And we killed him for it . ) I know this ; I hope Professor Hansen can tell ; but the word is the same . And I do think words matter . " The experience of the numen is terrifying precisely because it raises ontological questions : who am I ? who is God ? what is my purpose ? The G - d testified to in Hebrew Scriptures and embodied in Jesus of Nazareth does not ask these questions - this G - d raises them and then answers them ! " " God " is a word used to cover everything - every deity , every concept of every deity , every thing bigger than ourselves . ( And it gets used as a swear . ) " G - d " is something altogether different : it is my God , the One who creates , the One who redeems , the One who sanctifies ; and it reminds me that this is not just " my God " but the G - d of Abraham , Isaac , and Jacob .
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Normal The other day , a colleague asked me how the walk was going on the path to going to school . I confided that half the time I am feeling like a strong warrior - woman , marking bold steps , striding forward and that the other half of the time I was feeling completely undone whether by fear and a sense of " What the hell I am doing ? " or just sheer exhaustion from the effort . " You mean thats not normal ? " she commented with a laugh . " Sounds like a regular ol ' day for me ! " Truth is I have been feeling a bit tender lately as I navigate this swing . I have been feeling strange and freakishly fractured even as I felt strong and powerful , and I have been longing to feel whole and solid again . And so it was that her off handed comment caused a warm wave of comfort to envelope me . I had been feeling a bit crazy . But she reminded me that no - I am not a lunatic . This is the way , even if we are private about it . It is . It is . It is how we grow . I am reminded of the thousands , no millions , of women - soul sisters all - who are right now navigating similar changes and transitions . Rearranging our lives in ways that provoke excitement and anxiety and honest - to - goodness wiped out " sleep for hours " kind of exhaustion . All of us in one way or another can feel splintered and pull apart . Whether we are transitioning into partnership or widowhood , motherhood or empty - nest , setting up a home in a strange land , or learning the curves of familiar terrain when the people we love no longer populate it , navigating career changes or discovering a new power deep inside us we all every day experience a mix of fear , strength , faith , exhileration and exhaustion in different combinations . Taken together , while moving forward , its called courage . Extraordinary every day courage . And it , and the accompanying tenderness from the rollercoaster ride , well … its normal . A friend recently send me a link to a post about Akhilandeshvari , the Hindi goddess of " brokenness " . Rather she is the goddess of " never not broken " as in " Broken as a normal every day state of being " . Not the kind of brokenness that leaves us helpless - but the kind of brokenness that happens when our life is shattered and as we pick up the pieces and rearrange them , we create something amazing and beautiful . Broken as in transforming . Broken as in making ourselves and our lives over and over again . The state of being broken is not a condition of weakness but a condition of transformation and strength . I love that there is a goddess devoted to this state . It reminds me that what I am going through is so normal , so ordinary , so every day and therefor so holy that we need a goddess to help us hold the space , to inspire us and to carry us through . That is it not a negative state but one of profound and positive power . I am part of a chain of women that not only reaches across the globe but reaches back into ancient history . I am one of millions of us who are " never not broken " . It is a condition that is normal . That knowledge helps dispel fear and helps me stand strong . I anchor myself in the knowledge that " All shall be well and all shall be well , and all manner of things shall be well . " Sometimes , before I sleep , I feel a long line of wise women touch me on the shoulder , each one of them whispering , " This is how we know strength , when we allow ourselves to be broken . Only then can we rearrange our lives in a powerful way . This , my dear child , this is normal " . I spent my birthday being born again . Learning again the wisdom that I knew as a 3 year old running barefoot in the grass , but forgot . Learning again the wisdom that I knew as 6 year old lying on her back staring up at the clouds , watching them shape shift and drift by in the breeze . I discovered many of the principles of what some call " mindfulness " and others might call " Zen " in the immediate raw days , weeks and months right after my marriage blew apart . They rose up like ancient wisdom I once knew , as though an angel whispered them in my ear , a miracle . I didn 't really know where I learned it but I clung to that wisdom like a life raft . The only way I knew how to get by during those awful weeks and months was literally minute by minute , breath by breath . The only way I could keep moving forward , mothering my child , doing my work was by placing my attention - every last ounce of my attention - on exactly what I was doing right there and then in that moment . The only way I knew how to quiet the voice in my head that screamed " Failure ! " was to focus on exactly what was in front of me - what was unfolding immediately and literally in front of my eyes . The fluttering of the pages of the book , the smell of the old car , the pile of dishes , the sweetness of the breeze , the voice of my boss asking me a question . Paying attention to what was immediately in front of me saved me from my self . Paying attention gave me my life . As life evened out , became normal and no longer raw and fierce , I retreated into old habits and started to live my life back in my head . I would lay awake dissecting the day that had past . I would stumble through my morning my head on dreams and hopes and aspirations that were so very far away that I started my day full of yearning and sadness , mourning the " not yet - ness " . And then , life would kick me in the butt , leave me flayed wide open and I would remember - just one more breath . I only need to stay here for one more breath . With each exhale the world shifts . Every inhalation is a beginning . I moved through my crises that way . I have been on a pendulum swinging from being awake to my life as it unfolds breath by breath to sleeping through it while my mind ruminated on a future that might never come to pass . The swings have been exhausting and some might say unnecessary , even if the circumstances were inevitable . I was tired - and even more so tired of being tired . For my birthday I went to Boston , to the Mother 's Plunge to go home to what I have always known and never stop forgetting , and always keep remembering , to return to the magic of my breath , to the loving embrace available when we offer our full attention . It was there that Maezen reminded me that we always arrive at where we need to be right on time , and that no matter how far off course , no matter how wobbly I may feel , each breath is an opportunity to move out beyond my head with its ideas of right and wrong and into the field where I live my life - where I wrap my mama 's arms around my boy , where I hold a grieving friend 's hand , where I bury my nose in the kitten 's soft fur , where I cook dinner , where I brush my teeth , where I make my bed , where I lift the clean laundry to my face and smell , where I dance like a wild woman , where I pull out the weeds , where I make the powerpoint slide , where I board the plane , where I live my life , exactly as it is . There is no other way . And most of all , I learned that I don 't need to fall apart to remember . I can practice , every day , several times a day , just by sitting . For a few moments or more , I can practice . Its that simple . It won 't stop the wild winds of life from blowing , but it will keep me anchored like a kite and allow me to dance . I have been silent for some time , taking in the sweetness of all the wisdom I remembered . Distilling it along with the gifts offered to me on my birthday . Like the opportunity to finally wrap my arms around a sister I had only known here , or the gift of a teacher who showed up right on time , or the peace of sitting outside and eating cupcakes with an old dear friend and a new dear one too . My teacher hugged me and wished me Happy Birthday . Everyday is your birthday she told me . Every day we get born again . Every breathe a new beginning . Happy Birthday to you . To all of you . Posted by Meg on September 25th , 2010 Max has been sick much of the weekend . He has a crazy summer cold . He is sick one moment , fine the next . I think I may be getting it . Saturday was big and juicy - a ripe summer solstice full of rain and thunderstorms and sunlight . It was the new moon and when the day , full to bursting finally gave way to the dark it was truly dark . I made wishes and burnt them in flames to send them up to heaven or the universe or perhaps some place across the veil - wishes for the health of my loved ones , for my journey , for babies to be born , for other babes to come home and for even more babes to stay right where they are most loved . Sunday morning I found myself at the rink . There were only a few of us there - a figure skater working on her routine and a couple of die hard hockey families . While Max got his sea legs back and skated himself back into wellness , chasing his friends , I dwelled in my beginner space again , and slowly worked on my " C - Cut " - the hockey style way of skating backwards . The 80s pop that was blasting over the loudspeakers fell away and for me the rink felt silent - just the cut of my skates on the ice , the whoosh of my boy whirling past . My mind was still as I worked on something so new , as I tried to keep my balance in this new way . I could not think of anything else while I was paying such close attention to where my weight was . It still surprises me how much I am settling into things that are unsettling , choosing the unfamiliar , the new . Some might think I am rushing away from my life , searching for distraction but I know that no - its an opening , to the practice of being a beginner , to sink into the richness of life with all its possibilities . I wobble in these new unfamiliar hockey skates but I notice how different it is , how much easier I can turn , and it is fascinating to me and it makes me curious . I to wobble in a newish way of being , I see how strange I feel to let go of some old patterns , assumptions and ways . It scares me a little and it makes me curious . Today at yoga we had a substitute teacher . She was a good teacher but she is not my beloved one . I realized how attached I had become to Karen 's style , rhythm voice . I heard myself say … " Ah … but Karen has us hold that pose for 5 breaths - not three " and I giggled and realized how todays yoga practice for me was simply being there with someone new . To adjust to a new place , to arrive somewhere else than where I had hoped and to see the beauty in it . I am quiet tonight . I am here at my desk at work and I long to stay , clear papers , clean out email , let go of all the things that don 't need me . This letting go is a new exercise for me - even though I have been practicing for years . It is an onion and the more I do I continue to wobble , beginner like , letting go of what is not needed to make space for fresh dreams , new paths , fascinating journeys . I am scared to let go of too much . There is so much of my life that I love and I am terrified , even as I say yes , that the price I will pay for my dreams will be too high . I say yes anyway and comfort myself with the fact that there is still a lot of stuff to get rid of that doesn 't serve me before I get to the rest of it , before I am left asking myself what dear and beloved bits I need to sacrifice . Right now I am sacrificing my latte 's , paper clutter and toys and clothes we don 't need . I am letting go of habits like buying things we want just for kicks . I am slowly letting go of my all to quick reactions - the ones that assume that someone meant to hurt me when they spoke - the ones that personalize . I am practicing letting go of my self judgements and my inner gremlin 's admonishments . That is practice enough . One day I may be asked to sacrifice my financial security , my comfort , my community . I can talk a good game about non - attachment but Oh , if I am honest it terrifies me - when I wonder what my dreams will cost . Its a silly exercise really as there is no way to know . So I focus on the paper , the negative self - talk , the reactivity . I know that really there is no magical economy - no God or Goddess with a ledger book keeping score of what I have given up before I get my prize . There is no formula of suffering that must be met before dreams can be realized . I know it but I am still practicing owning it . I know that simply the practice is the point . And it will carry me where I need to be . That I believe because there is no other way to go . Losses will come . Anyway . And grief and letting go will be part of the game . Anyway . And I will keep breathing anyway . Posted by Meg on June 22nd , 2009 " Notice , " my teacher said , " where your mind goes when you feel stiff . Can you stay with the irritation ? Can you stay with it long enough to let it teach you ? What does it say ? Notice without judging where your mind goes … Now bring it back … Stay present if you can and see what you can learn … " This is a scene that replays a lot in our house these days . Max has done something he knows is wrong or disrespectful . I call him on it and he immediately looks away in discomfort . To look me in the face means having to see my disappointment or perhaps my stern face . As I talk to him I see his brain has moved onto calculating hockey stats or maybe to building legos . " Look at me , " I tell him . " I need to know you are present here with me . I know its uncomfortable but I need to know you are learning here . You can 't learn if you don 't stay with me " The teacher is the student is the teacher is the student … . Staying with pain , with irritation , with disappointment , with fear . Whether we are 7 or 39 we rush away , rush toward anything that will dull the ache . Dreams of a sweeter tomorrow , ice cream or booze , new toys and new friends and new adventures . We leave the chores and the laundry undone while we search for the things that may soothe our heartache . Its so scary to stay here and keep going when we feel so uncomfortable … But if we aren 't paying attention , we miss the lesson . At worst I am doomed to live it over and over again … or at very least to have lived through pain for naught . These days I am finding myself compelled to stay , stuck to the spot like glue , to linger with my discomfort just a little . To stay with the irritation for just one more breath . To hear what it is whispering . To hear it without judgement … If we can clear away the clutter we can tune in to our silent , certain knowing I am stripping down a lot of the things that used to distract me . I am clearing out the clutter and the things that make noise . And yes I am hearing some things - not just hearing but listening and taking them in . Some things are things I would rather not hear , but they are true and I need to absorb their wisdom . Other things are useful and helpful and I wonder how I could have missed them . And some things , some things I am learning are downright delicious . Like relearning the fact that when I hang upside down with my head cradled in my arms , it may hurt but I can stretch out my spine and relieve compression and tightness that I carry and even misinterpret as stress . Or that nothing is more healing than holding my son and hearing what his heart really needs . Filed in Notes from the mat , The Zen of Being Mama 2 Comments » In Just Five Minutes If I had more than 5 minutes to write I would write a story about emptiness . About how hard it is to clear out all the junk and just sit . How the minute I feel that empty feeling I feel the need to fill it - with what … with chatter , with stuff , with something distracting , with color and music and flashing lights . If I had more than 5 minutes to write I tell a fable about a girl who is trying to stop doing and create wide open spaces in her heart . A fable about what happens when you don 't rush to fill it with something comforting but let the universe instead decide how to fill the open spaces . But maybe it wouldn 't be about a girl . Maybe it would be about a bowl . Or a ditch or a cow . If had more than 5 mintues to write I would spin a tale about how the universe abhors a vacuum and will fill it up with love if we just are patient enough . I would reflect though that we often are even quicker to fill up the hollowed out places in our heart with junk substitutions for the love the universe is cooking up for us because the emptiness just feels so … empty . If I had more than 5 mintues to write I would confess that I feel chained to the constant practice of emptying my life - that I am so unpracticed and I am so quick to clutter , clog , fill . That I am realizing that I am being given practices every day , that so much of what I see are challenges are just opportunities to practice letting go , being empty , sitting still . That every day I do it for a little longer . That it makes me uncomfortable and weezy and a little dizzy but I am doing it anyway . Last year , on this night before the new year launched , I sat out on my steps full of regret . I didn 't want to let the summer go . Summer had treated me so kindly and it had felt so glorious to be in that sunny place . The new school year meant a return to routine that was burdensome and hectic , shortened days , busy schedules . The longer nights and cooler days spoke to me of time inside , isolation , quiet and I was not ready for any of it - not the routine , not the hard work , not the journey into myself . But today I feel differently . I am excited and ready for the turn of the seasons . This evening at 6pm I had a choice to make . Stay at the office and finish my phone calls to the west coast and make a dent in the ever lengthening to - do list or go to yoga . Torn , I asked myself the question I ask myself when guilt won 't let me roll out my mat and leave my desk behind . I asked myself the question , " Which will bring you into balance ? " Tonight , though , honestly , the answer surprised me . Hungover from a glorious vacation , chlorinated hazy days at the pool and long stretches of spontaneous parties and dinners with friends I have been feeling disconnected from work . I have begun to feel a bit undone by the leisure of summer . A power hour at work in the quiet with no interruptions felt almost decadent . And so tonight my yoga was practiced in an office - choosing to hunker down with my to - do lists and phone calls not out of guilt , but out of the joy of feeling as though I too , was back to school . And with hard work I slipped into a feeling of rightness . As the summer season ends and the school season starts I find myself welcoming the routines and schedules and " buckle down " mentality that I always relished as a school girl , the seriousness and sense of purpose that comes from reembracing the ordinary stuff of life : stuff like making lunches and checking homework , signing permission slips and balancing the inevitably conflicting commitments . I am ready for the return to rituals and regularity . Everything has its time and I am ready to embrace this period . I am not afraid of the internal journey that autumn seems to announce . Last year I feared the longer quiet school nights that spoke of family time . I was fearful that it would highlight what I didn 't have . I was afraid of how I would feel without the busy buzzy distraction of summertime fun . But for all my fear , for all I did to hold onto the summertime , autumn came nevertheless , bringing with it both predictable feelings and surprising revelations . Autumn and winter were everything I feared and at the same time everything I didn 't think they would be . They brought great joy , interesting lessons and wonderful connections as well as opportunities for me to sit with my ugly fears and thoughts and move past and through them . At the beginning of this summer season visions of perfect sunkissed days floating through my head . I imagined it as paradise and held all sorts of high expectations for the three months of endless sunshine . My summer was idyllic and it was also unspeakably difficult . I faced huge fears I never anticipated having to face even in the deepest darkest days of winter . But more importantly I came out on the other side in a place of contentment and strength I also never could have dreamed I would know . My summer 's lesson , indeed the lesson of the past year was that nothing is simply one thing . Nothing is really good or bad but always something marvelously mixed up . It all is at its best and worst , complex , difficult , miraculous and beautiful . So I stand here - at the doorway to a new season newly clothed with an understanding that I move through it all anway - just as summer gives way to fall and the icy days of winter inevitably turn into the warm , long days of June , the challenging gives way to the joyful which gives way to the peaceful which gives was to the crisis . Transition , change , a new moment is just a breath away . It is indeed the only thing we can count on . Tomorrow marks a transition , a change in seasons , a movement from one place to another . But it does not , cannot predict whether the next few months will be good , bad or ugly . They will just be , as I am . And I will stand ready to embrace them with the gifts and challenges that they offer . Filed in Holding the Space , Lessons from the Universe , Notes from the mat 1 Comment » Passing Through After a month 's hiatus I went back to yoga tonight . March was a busy month for me - my Mondays were otherwise occupied . There was the Pogues show at the 9 : 30 club , my trip to the desert , a migraine and then the project deadline I needed to crunch on because I couldn 't sit still all day . But today I was back . As I headed down in the elevator in my workout clothes , a colleague looked at me with admiration . " Going to yoga ? " she asked . " Yeah " I said in a voice that was weak and less than enthusiastic . She looked at me quizzically . So I explained . Four week not on the mat , my butt will be so beat , its going to hurt , I just got to slog through the first class back blah blah blah . " But just think , " she said trying her best to encourage me " How virtuous you will feel when you are done ! " I do a lot that I don 't want to do for the virtuous feeling I will get when I am done . I was raised to be a results oriented girl . And its true , all too often I catch myself being caught in the middle of doing something to get to the other side . Slog through the day to get to the ending where you get to hug your boy . Get the laundry done so you can look fabulous and clean . Eat the healthy vegetables to get to the dessert . Its a lot of work this passing through . On the mat , my butt did get kicked . Big time . I feel like every week I don 't do yoga sets me back two or three weeks . My body complained , ached , wobbled and gave up . I tried desperately to stay in the moment the now when I felt miserable instead of the time in the distant future 30 minutes hence when I would feel virtuous . I watch myself feel uncomfortable and tried to just be aware and present to all that was coming up for me . And a lot of it was about wanting to hit the fast forward button . I am that girl who when the book gets too suspenseful sneaks ahead to the last page - just to see . I am the one who can never wait to hear the ending to a story . When my mother in law and I used to watch novelas I would get obsessed , dying to know what will happen tomorrow or the next day . If I was watching one in the US that she had already seen in Mexico I would call her and beg her to tell me the ending . Yesterday I watched the Caps game that I had taped from the night before ( For all you non - hockey fans - It is a Cinderella story right out of Hollywood . It makes this girl sigh and swoon … ) I had to force myself NOT to fast forward to the final score . I felt I would be able to enjoy the game more if I just knew how it ended . But I knew that wasn 't true , really . I asked Max to hide the remote . There are lots of little adventures percolating in my life . Small things - not big ones . But I am wondering - Where will they take me ? I am curious . I am excited . Thankfully I am not anxious or worried . I know it will turn out exactly as it should but I want to know - HOW ? I want to wrap my arms around that glorious conclusion so I can just look forward to it . Its a joyous feeling of not being able to wait until Christmas morning , I wish there was a crystal ball I could peer into to see how I will be surprised . I just can 't wait . But wait I must . And like yoga tonight - its causing a bit of ummm … . therapeutic irritation . As I play out all the scenarios in my place I am missing that sweet feeling of being simply somewhere between here and there . And someday , when its all said and done , I will wonder what it was like to be here . And the only thing I will have to say for myself is that I should have paid better attention . So as I move into " down dog " for what seems like the 100th time , my calves and hamstrings on fire , I practice staying here . Not moving into the next phase . Not rushing ahead to find out the ending , but breathing in and letting the story unfold , slowly . At an excruciatingly slow pace . Filed in Notes from the mat 1 Comment » Falling Together Sometimes I feel as though I am slowly coming apart at the seams . Dissolving almost , like a sandcastle being knocked over by the waves . Bit by bit , being washed away . Single motherhood can do that . So can chronic pain or heartache . After years of standing strong , sometimes I long for permission to just let it all go - to fall apart and give in . Lately I feel it happening alot - these slow motion melt downs . I feel I have no reserves . That I am spent . Exhausted . Empty . Easily pushed around by life 's winds . I feel I am just so easy to knock down . It could be the January grey and the bitter cold that seeps into my toes and stays there . It could be the constant on again , off again migraines this winter . It could be car who 's engine siezed up this morning . It could be the rollercoaster of my finances . It could be the colds that are sweeping in one after the other - different little viruses who are lining up to line my throat . It could simply be that I feel as though I am moving in slow slow motion while the rest of the world zooms by on hyperspeed . It could be any or all of these things that knock me out of balance and leave me there to slowly fall apart , grain of sand by grain of sand . It crept up on me again this feeling - the slow unravel . As the day upfolded it occured to me that life is happening too fast , that I can 't keep up , that it is all slipping away from me . That I am trying to run on fumes and am failing . I came into the conference room we use as our studio . My teacher was sitting cross legged on her mat meditating . The class had yet to assemble . So I unrolled my mat , the tears started rolling gently down my cheeks . Tears that would have been so hard to explain if anyone had asked me why . It was simply the feeling of blowing away that had me all undone . A few minutes later , it was time to set our intention for class . " I need to feel the earth under my feet . I need to feel solid . I need to feel grounded and strong . " It is always amazing to me how yoga and breathing and moving my body can set me right . It never fails to surprise me . Class was challenging today . My legs shoke through each of the standing poses . These bold triangular moves - they make me feel so solid and strong - a warrior princess . But today , these moves I love were unusually difficult . As I sunk into the poses I became aware of how gauzy and insubstantial I had felt all day . I realized I hadn 't been connected to my strength , that my breathing was shallow . So I sunk into those poses and I breathed . I felt my feet touch the ground and root there . With each deepening stretch , each breath , each shift back into downward dog , I grew back into myself . I knit myself together . I left the class feeling no less tired , no less annoyed with the migraines and the car and the bills . But I felt the scales had tipped back into balance . The substance of me is weighty - I am a granite boulder not a mound of sand . These problems are not mighty waves - they are simply raindrops . They may run along my face , they may even shape me some but they will not wash me away . Filed in Notes from the mat 5 Comments » Now here This past Saturday my dear friend Renee 's daughter became a Bat Mitzvah . Renee has been one of the strong and steady people in our lives - there for Max and I in a quiet but ever present way . When I was struggling through the first few weeks of motherhood , Renee invited me to her house and fed me gourmet meals , enticing me to get out of my pajamas and back into the world of the living . In the horrible months right after Juan moved out she invited us to her house and fed us . We sat at her Passover table and breathed through the prayers , the questions , the stories and she held my hand under the table each time my breath got shaky . Just a few months ago when we went to a wedding in Massachussetts and I wanted to stay up and dance all night , it was Renee who bundled Max up and took him to bed , who read him stories so that I could experience joy . Renee has been a friend who has been a witness to the most poignant moments in our life . I was so charmed and touched when Renee invited us to this special day for her youngest girl . This was not a huge gathering and I felt honored to be included . When she handed me the invitation back in November I immediately said yes . I started thinking ahead to that day - What would I wear ? What lovely gift would we bring her precious child ? My head was spinning so far into the future - thinking of this day . My future - focused head was busy with all the preparations . So where was I on Saturday ? I was nowhere . Nowhere to be seen . For the last several months I have been so focused on the future - whats coming next , hopping over hurdles and fast forwarding onto the next blissful event : my party , the holidays , some trips I have planned , my wonderful new year and how it would surely play out all flowery and blossomy . No sooner was I in a moment , was I immediately planning what joyful thing would happen next , next , next ! While my head was dreaming of the future , I have done a terrible job of keeping track of the present . Alot has fallen by the wayside . The past couple of months , insurance claims have not been submitted . A bill or two has been paid late . I got a bad cold and slept not nearly enough . And then the Bat Mitzvah . I lost the invitation in a car that needed to be cleaned . I got mixed up on the date . I asked Renee but didn 't listen carefully , didn 't write it down right away , had moved on to the next item on my to do list . I wrote it in my calendar wrong . I told myself it was next Saturday . In the future … like everything else in my life . Happening sometime soon . I was so far ahead of myself , I didn 't question why Renee was out of work last week instead of this one . I just assumed she was taking advantage of the end of a short work week to make preparations final . I kept plowing ahead , unaware , unattentive . No pause . No breath . Instead of being now here - I was nowhere . And I missed it . I missed sweet Hannah 's ceremony . I missed the party my dear friend had so carefully planned . The special event she had called us to attend . She had asked me to be present - to be a witness to the magic of her girl growing up . And I was nowhere . Sometimes the Universe just has to hit me over the head with a very heavy club . Last week , the amazing Jena wrote this post about the difference between nowhere and now here being a simple small space , pause , a breath , a moment to be present . In this post she quotes Sue Monk Kidd 's Firstlight : Someone pointed out to me that the words now , here , and nowhere have the same arrangement of letters , but differ when a small space is inserted . Likewise a fine space separates us from experiencing our life as nowhere or now here . Attentiveness is entering fully the moment you are currently in , no matter how hassling or mundane , and simply being present with it . " Ah yes " I said . The words resonated with me . They made sense . They settled into my heart even while my head was spinning - on fast forward ever still . Skipping the pause . I missed it even as I got it . This morning , before the sun rose , before I realized my mistake , before another friend told me that I had missed the blessed event , I was taking a long walk , a walk I am now taking most mornings . This long walk is part of my plan to get to a healthy weight . The last few times this walk has been an exercise in speedwalking into the future . I walk and I immediately start praising myself for getting up so so early and think I proud I will feel when I have done it all week ! I start thinking about how come spring how healthy and strong I will be ! I walk and I am thinking about bathing suits and feeling good in them again , about sitting in pools and jacuzzis , about sexy little sundresses . I caught myself this morning - half way into the walk - when I realized I didn 't even notice much of what I had seen , had missed the birds , the change in the sky . Somewhere out of the buzz that was in my brain , Jena 's words , Sue Monk Kidd 's words stopped me cold in my tracks . Now here … nowhere … Now here . One fine space . A pause . A breath . What had I missed on my walk while I was focused on how beautiful the future would be ? I thought about how I couldn 't get that bit back . Those moments where I was lost in planning a future that may or may play out - those precious moments were gone . I thought back to a time when life was falling apart . When being present , when living in the now wasn 't a choice . It was the only way to survive . In the days and weeks after Juan announced he was leaving , in the months after he had moved out I was anchored in the present because it was all I could take . When I allowed myself to think of our past , I fell apart on the spot , tears flowing , the grief of all we had lost overwhelming . When I started to think of the future , of the next hour , next week , next month without him I was so terrified , so paralyzed I couldn 't breathe . The only thing I could do was get through this minute in front of me , this breath , now the next one , and the one after that . It was a gift that came from the pain , this mindfulness , this practice . But it is one I have packed away , like a forgotten wedding present . A once cherished treasure now shoved over to the side in the chaos of life . Last night , as I was logging on to check my email , Max came and sat on my lap . " Mama , " he said " Read to me . " " In a minute babe … Mom 's just got to do this one thing . " His answer was strong and clear . " No mom … NOW . I am tired . " Yes . In a few minutes he would be asleep . The moment to read would be gone . The email could keep . " OK " I said , much to his surprise . He was emboldened . " Mom , you are on the computer too much . You need to stop . You need to be with me . Now . I am grounding you from the computer - at least while I am awake . " " Yes " I said . " That would be fine " . From the mouths of babes … Tonight at yoga class , as if to drive it home , my teacher was guiding us through an opening meditation . Before asking us to set our intentions she asked us to be aware of the thoughts , the plans , the worries that were buzzing around our brains . She invited us to put them in a box in the hall and to be present . To be in the now . To be here . And I did . I finally did . I was there through each uncomfortable stretch , through each difficult balance , through each impossibly difficult move to build core strength . And when my mind began to wander I reminded myself that each breath was a chance to begin again . Each breath calling me out of nowhere and into the now here . Monday night and I am back to the mat . Back to yoga . As though she read my mind , as though she can look right into what I needed , my teacher says , " Tonight we are going to work on our balance " . As a former ballet dancer I should be masterful at the balancing poses . But that was a long time ago and my body has shifted and changed . Fighting the old body / muscle memory that is no longer relevant now that I have a bit of padding , now that my shape is decidedly more maternal , always means that the balancing poses are an exercise in " shift , adjust breathe … . shift , adjust , breathe . " Monday my teacher threw in a doozy . She had us get into Tree Pose facing the wall . " Easy - peasy " I smuggly thought to myself . I am always best able to find my balance facing the wall . I can find a spot right in front of my nose and then just glare at it . But then , my sweet teacher threw us for a loop . She had us close our eyes . I immediately lost all sense of balance . I had to put my foot down , I had to open my eyes , I had to wiggle alot . I fell out of the pose again and again . Try as I might it all fell apart in the dark . Balance is a tricky thing . I am working on finding balance in my life outside of yoga too . I have the job , so big and wonderful it could take over ever minute of every hour if I let it . I have the son with a heart and needs so big that he could take over every second of every day if he could . I have the house which needs sweeping , decluttering , and fixing , the bills that need paying . Oh and I have the things I like to do to make my heart breathe and sing , writing , practicing my guitar , sitting with a good friend and a cup of tea or glass of wine and telling stories . The friends , the family , the loved ones who need bits of our time , the things we need and want to do to help build our community . Having all these things is a blessing , I know . But holding them all in the air without them tumbling down on my head is a challenge - a challenge that seems often impossible . A challenge that seems as unlikely as balancing a heavy stone upright on a tiny tiny point . Max is having a tough week . I decide to focus on him . Work is not getting enough time or attention , things fall through the cracks . I shift , adjust , breathe … I am working late , bringing work home , trying to catch up on or actually hit a deadline on time . Max feels left out , he is crawling on my lap , he is hitting the delete key as I try and write and drawing all over my notes . He is begging me to cuddle him , lay down with him , sing him a song , tell him a story . I shift , adjust and breathe … I am feeling so exhausted , so used up , so tired of being dutiful . I schedule a series of mama 's nights out where I stay up late and dance . Now I can barely keep my eyes open . The yoga teacher is not giving up on us - on this experiment . Blinded by this exercise we fall out of poses again and again . Without a reference point to gaze at , all of us , even the more accomplished students are struggling a bit . She urges us to search within for the balance point , to find it not on the wall but inside . She urges us to trust our inner knowing of our own body , what parts are heavier , what parts are lighter , where we are stronger and weaker and find the balance on our own . To close our eyes and trust we will find it . And then , after failed try after failed try I find it - there … I stay only a second or two but it is there however briefly . I am an amazing tree , strong , upright and balanced . I leave class vowing to take this lesson into my life . To do more closing of my eyes and trusting that I can find it , the place where it all hangs together perfectly . Yes , its true , I have that knowledge deep inside if I can only trust myself and listen long enough to hear it .
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My friend had a last minute open house on Saturday so I picked up a bottle of NJ cranberry wine and made this really fast topper for the bottle . Quick , simple and cute . I used a Papertrey ink die for the cut out , MCT stamp and odds and ends papers . Yesterday was a fabulous day . I haven 't done tons of running this holiday with this terrible sinus , ear and now chest congestion but I ran yesterday ! ! ! I went to brunch with my son at cheesecake factory and then we hit tons of stores followed by dinner with my mom . I love spending the day with him . I miss him living home . I am in love with my happy hexagon stamp set and coordinating die from Papertrey ink ! ! I got it from my daughter for Christmas . . . okay I asked for it but you don 't always get everything you ask for . I got to play a little last night to create this card . It takes a while to stamp all the hexagons but it is that perfect mindless work that is so relaxing if you know what I mean . You are gonna see a lot more hexagons coming up . PS the happy birthday stamp should have been a little lower for balance but hey its hand made and not perfect . Merry Christmas ! I am late posting due to just trying to get better . I took the few extra days before Christmas to just read and relax . Christmas day I felt worse then ever so back to the doctor I went yesterday . I have a new antibiotic that I hope will kill this sinus and ear infection once and for all . I feel like I have been sick forever . . . 3 weeks is a long time ! Yesterday was nasty weather and I just wanted to play with my new cricut cartridges but my daughter was sleeping and the machine sometimes wakes her up so I spent the day editing all my Holiday photos and creating storyboard picture collages . When my daughter got up for work I finally started to play . She got me the Imagine Better Together cartridge so I used it to make 6 thank you cards I need to send out . 3 I used stickles , 3 I used glossy accents . I used the gelly role stardust pen on both and some pop - ups . I got create a critter 2 and some fun papertrey ink stamps for Christmas . . . Wish I could play more today but I am off shortly to take my SIL for a procedure on her knee . No matter how much I do ahead for the holidays the week before is my baking week . I try and do a little something everyday . Saturday night I made 4 pounds of spiced pecans . 2 pounds for my SIL and 2 for me . Sunday I went to church , had Christmas play tickets with my mom , went to dinner with her after , went back to church for a carol sing on the church lawn ( okay porch cause it was sprinkling ) came home and mixed up the cream cheese cookies to freeze in logs to slice and back later this week . Today I went to work , rushed out to the doctor after . I have infected sinuses and a double ear infection . Gee . . . . I feel like one of my students . I headed back to church for the Monday third meal . We had extra people to feed tonight cause my church is hosting some homeless families this week . I mashed a ton of potatoes I tell ya and washed a ton of dishes . I came home and made a batch of coconut macaroons , some with chocolate kisses pressed in the center . While I have the cookies in the fridge for the chocolate to harden I made these toppers for 2 snack sized bags filled with the spiced pecans for the secretaries at work . The folded shape is a stock image on the imagine . I filled it with color from snow angels . The flower pot image is from that cart as well with some stickles added . I also cut letters on the silhouette for an over sized envelope I had to make using my Martha Stewart scoring board . My kids got their uncle a Harley Davidson Gift card for xmas and the blooming card in an over sized card with no envelope ? ? ? Really ? ? ? Tomorrow night is a double batch of oatmeal lace cookies . . . My kids current favorite . They take for ever to make cause the spread out so much you have to really space on the pan then you have to allow them to cool slightly on the pan before you try to lift on . . . I cook them on parchment paper . I 've had a huge heavy heart since Friday . As a kindergarten BSI teacher my heart is broken . I 'm going through the motions right now but feelin anger at the news journalist putting microphones in front of kids who have just endured the unimaginable . I will go to work tomorrow with a renewed sense of responsibility for student safety . Next week is supposed to be baking cookie week . I hope I can lift my spirit to get it done . Wow I was on a crafting high . . . till tonight . Got home tonight at 6 : 30 after several meetings after school ( I can leave at 2 : 30 but we all know teachers who leave on time just bring work home to work on around their families schedules ) and what do I have . . . The sinus headache from . . . . we won 't say ! ! ! I was hoping to finish my layout sets for Thursday but its not to be . I 'm gonna semi recline and watch me some HGTV then hit the sack by 9 . That should fix me up for teaching my sister - in - law how to make spiced pecans for the holidays tomorrow night . The stickles on this got a few blobs but I 'm using it anyway . The stamp is from stampin up . I used the sweet treats cricut cart and the Imagine Mr . Frosty . It is to coordinate with a craft colored card base card I made with cupcakes a while back . I finally got some quality crafting time . Yesterday I glittered the inside of these balls , then let them dry overnight before before putting the tops on . Tonight I cut and applied the vinyl . I caught up my smash book and worked on a layout set to put together on Thursday night at scrapbooking . Of course I took a big pack of green card stock into school I bought at staples and that is the color I need to finish the layout . LOL ALWAYS right ? ? ? I also played with my Imagine last night . I haven 't done a print and cut in a while . I 'll try and post that picture tomorrow . I have two different gift card holder dies . One from MCT and one from papertrey ink . I used the Papertrey tonight because I am actually going to tuck cash in these instead of gift cards this year and I think this one will hold money better . I am giving money to the great tween nieces and nephews for a few more options then a specific store gift card . I used papertrey ink paper for its heavy weight . A small splash of pattern paper from my stash and some fun snow globe stickers my daughter picked up . My daughter collects snow globes and told me to use these on all her presents LOL ! the banner on the inside was a die from the MCT just simply live stamp / die set . I will fold the flap down and write in white gel pen that love me : - ) My son is on a limited budget this year but he still wanted to get co - workers a little something for the Holidays . He bulk ordered this handmade soap from Philly . We got some twine and then I cut about 30 tags . . . . more than he needed but he will have enough . A nice little something I think . Its the thought that counts . I 'm just about done shopping for Christmas . I am about half wrapped . My house is decorated and both trees are up . I have been a busy bee . . . My skinny tree in the living room I put all my lenox ornaments on this year and trimmed it in gold . I think it looks nice . I stamped probably a dozen or more flower images with my create a garden stamp set during Hurricane Sandy . I have been slowly , with slow being the optimal word making them all up into sympathy or note cards . I finally got my yard raked last Sunday after church and this weekend I need to tackle my moms . I am cooking for 9 on Thursday . Tomorrow is early dismissal then I have tons of things to start getting ready for Thanksgiving . I actually for the first time put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving . My daughter works Wednesday , Thursday and Saturday and likes to help so I said okay . ( I generally spend ALL day black Friday putting up decorations . ) When you have someone in the family working in the medical field then you need to learn to adjust your traditions . She will sleep most of Thanksgiving away , I will wake her up for dinner at 4 then she will be off to the hospital for another 12 hour shift . I 've been a bad blogger ! I 've actually been a bad crafter . . . Just not feeling it lately but I am beginning to get some ideas swirling in my head so hoping I get some craft time soon . Tonight I wrapped xmas gifts . All my daughters . I need to get boxes and wrap my sons . I did a ton of online shopping today and I got almost all the fixins for Thanksgiving . I had spent the day with my SIL and it felt good to be with her and spend some time . I was due back to work on Wednesday post Sandy and woke up at 4 : 30 am with a stomach bug and fever . . . . Kinda knocked my socks off . Slept away most of three days . I emerged to the land of the living yesterday behind in everything . But I 'm still thankful that somehow we seemed to have a bubble of protection over us here with all the destruction in the state . Lucky here ! Kept our electric so the basement did not flood . Some big branches down in the back yard but no major damage . I did make two of these cards yesterday while Sandy was pouring rain and wind on us . Inspired from pinterest . Not an original design . I used the sweet treats cart and a stampin up stamp . I also stamped a lot last night watching TV with my mom . I will have lots of images to make up into cards in the next week . I was a negligent crafter last week . Friday after work I spent trying to prepare my basement in the event of a power failure and my sump pump not working . Saturday I went to NYC for Columbia University Reading and Writing Project workshops . LOOONNNGGG day ! Today after church it was clean the gutters and make sure there was nothing in the yard to blow and do damage . My mom has agreed to come and stay for the duration of the storm so I don 't have to worry about her . YAY ! Major feat she usually resists ! So Now all we can do here in South Jersey with the storm approaching is pray that all will be safe . Things can be replaced . People cannot . I hope every in the barrier islands is listening to the instructions to evacuate . I saw this note card design a while ago on pinterest and added it to my board for future reference . Well fast forward . . . I made 14 of these in various colors for a birthday gift . I used plantin schoolbook for the circle , elegant edges for the scalloped circle and storybook font for the C . Swiss dots embossing folder . For some reason the third week of every month means meetings out every night . Then my son came home for a 4 day weekend visit . Phew I am exhausted . I did manage to make this card the other night . I got the image from the silhouette store . My daughter 's co - worker was having a formal sweet 16 for his daughter with a masquerade theme . I thought this image was perfect and the colors are similar to the ones used in the invitation . I went to Atlantic City this morning to Christmas shop with my SIL and my son . Got a big dent in his gifts . He is so tall , thin and picky I just have him try on and pick out . ( I got my xmas club on October 1 ) I like to be done the lion share of shopping by Thanksgiving . I HATE rushing and pushing in stores at the holidays . I like to ENJOY the holidays . Also , we were cutting through Caesars casino on the way from the pier shopping mall back to the parking garage . I put 4 . 00 in a penny machine and won 80 . 00 . WOOT , WOOT ! ! It just about paid for the new winter coat I bought myself on sale at the Columbia outlet ! ! ! Gosh I got so excited ! I quickly cashed out an left before I was tempted to put any more money in the machine . This is my first attempt at a pumpkin decoration I have seen floating on several blogs . Its for one of the office secretaries to put on her desk . I am honing my skills here to make a table centerpiece of various sized pumpkins for Thanksgiving . I would definitely go with solid color ones for that but I was being playful with the pattern paper since my school is pre - k and k . This pumpkin is small . I got 4 scalloped circles on a 12 X 12 page . It takes 8 circles to make the pumpkin . I am not sure I like the look of the stem . I will need to experiment with that . I just kind of added the tags to give it color to simulate leaves . Obviously when I get to the real centerpieces they will have paper leaves for decoration . This pumpkin took me no time at all . . . 45 minutes tops . I 'm not sure using a circle shape is right . Maybe a slight oval on its side ? Let the experimenting begin over the next few days . I went to Michaels after school and got lots of orange paper on sale . 25 a sheet . You can 't beat that . oh I almost forgot that I embossed the orange pieces in the pumpkin playing around . This is probably the biggest I could make the pumpkin with embossing one side at a time . Disappointed with that since I like the embossing look but I wanted a few larger scale pumpkins for the centerpiece . I used the Batman cart for the the batman image . I cut the The hulk from cuttin up cartoon font . I got the hulk image online in clip art . Scrappin night or not . . Well my group finally got together again tonight . I had prepped my 2 page layout . Cut all my cricut pieces . Got there had cut the shadow somehow a different font for all the letters . Decided to use my friends real batman logo instead of the make believe one so go home get my expression bring it back . cut and re - cut and cut and re - cut . Man I could not get anything right tonight . Run upstairs at the church for a meeting . Back down , mess up some more cuts . Didn 't accomplish much but I had great fellowship with my scrapper friends and had Karen to keep reminding me when I had a mess up that it was only paper ! LOL Some times things are just like that . I have no idea why but I have been in a soup making mood . Monday at my farm co - op I picked out great soup produce . Monday night it was butternut squash soup . Last night escarole and mini meatball soup , plus I prepped the crock pot for vegetable beef barley soup to take to our secretary after work that just had surgery . Came home from work it was done and delivered it . Then today it was potato leek soup . Oh my why have I never had this before . It was yummy . I started picking up leeks at the farm this summer and really liked them . I substituted them a lot in my grilled veggies instead of onions . I saw the idea for this card on My Creative Time with Emma 's blog so this is NOT and original design . I made four of them all similar but with small differences . I used her Warm holiday fun stamps and coordinating dies . I did heat embossing on the ornaments . The tag was cut using the tag from Just simply live set and the Merry Christmas stamp was from the gift card sentiments . One of our Secretaries at work had surgery on Thursday so I wanted to make her a card . I got to thinking while I was cleaning today that I needed to look at the cartridges I have hardly ever used . Florals Embellished fits that bill . My kids talked me into the cart when it was on sale cheap at ACMoore but I think I have only used it to make 1 card . So here is card two . I used Martha Stewart fine glitter on two of the layers . I also used MCT 's teeny tag greetings stamp and dies set . I also used the divine swirls embossing folder on the background . I have been in a bit of a crafting funk . . . Lots of work related things , yadda , yadda , yadda same ole but I think the big thing has been the monster in the closet for me . . . I got all those bad mammograms and I was trying to schedule the biopsy during my brothers funeral preparation . . . . then I needed major dental work . I actually had a melt down in the dentist when they took my blood pressure and it was high . . HELLO ! ! ! Live my life right now . When I am stressed I run on schedules and them saying I couldn 't have my dental work done messed with my schedule and I melted down and cried . OKAY love my dentist she is the best ever but how embarrassed am I to go back now . Went home and called doc and went in the next day to be put on temporary blood pressure meds till my life calms down . Fast forward to this week . I had the biopsy on Monday and I got the call that it was benign so I can RELAX and start putting things back together . I haven 't been able to read or craft at night . I haven 't been able to focus till I got the results . That 's weird cause those are the two things I find calming . I also think I try to be a positive person and my worry about this biopsy was related to my brothers diagnosis with cancer and the family history with breast cancer . I 'm gonna have nurse Darcy ck my blood pressure on Monday and then if all is good start the dental work . I have a major filling w / possible root canal and then off to the endodontist for a problem with an old root canal . . Can I say that after all the money for a crown and root canal that it is just wrong that something wasn 't done right . . . . I am so thankful for my dental insurance but I get 1000 . 00 on this big buck stuff . If you get one crown in a year everything else is out of pocket . You can choose a crown or a root canal and you can 't have both . . . Gosh my dad had GREAT teeth . . . why did I get my moms tooth gene . I am doing everything I can to keep my teeth and not need dentures like my mom . Life is about challenges and how you handle them . Sometimes I do better than others FYI I know I have like no followers and maybe a couple people read my ramblings but posts like this are more to help me express myself given that I don 't have a husband or life partner to bounce that frustration off of . . . Life is good . Enjoy each day as if it was your last . This is the pool I found in my backyard when I came home from 10 days in Washington DC . Darling daughter and her friend put it up . . . . She did not keep up with taking care of it , surprise and this past weekend the crankiness out of her to take it down was not fun . It gets to cold here in the winter to leave it up and she KNEW that when she put it up ! ! ! It is still not stored correctly but its in the garage and the liner is spread out cause it had some wet spots . Hoping it will dry completely and then we can pull it in the drive to fold better . Here I was hoping to park in the garage this winter with my son moved out and his furniture gone . BIG SIGH I made this gift bag for a baby shower at work on Thursday . I think I showed the card for the shower a while ago . the bag matches the card . It was done using the Imagine Nursery Tails . I added stickles and glossy accents . These parents have decided to let the sex of the baby be a surprise so the card and bag are neutral . What a day . . . . trying to clean and helping take down the pool that my daughter put up when I was away the beginning of July ! ! ! Her projects always become my projects ! Speaking of that I got sucked into helping try to figure out how to decorate cozies for her and her college friends going to Home Coming in a few weeks . She has her hotel room booked for the weekend . She and her college friend that lives near here had me helping to do these . At first we were going to cut a vinyl stencil and sponge paint on the cozies . . . Oh my too much work and not a good product . When attempting to remove the stencil we realized how well the vinyl actually stuck to the cozies so did the phrase with transfer tape instead . The phrase was cut on the silhouette at . 36 font size . I forget what font I used . The other side will have each girls nickname written in glitter . I have no idea where the girls came up with this phrase . My nieces son celebrated his 6th birthday last weekend . It was nice to spend time with family on a happier occasion . I used the MCT Just simply live stamps and dies to create these pages . I specifically bought this set to use in my smashbook ! I also used MCT all around birthday and I used a sentiment from the gift card sentiments . I promise these are the last flower cards for a while . . LOL . . . Very busy with work and balancing making sure my mom and sister - in - law are okay . . . Both having a hard time which is to be expected . . . I had Back to School Night tonight . I came home and worked on a poster for my principal . . . I have to say I LOVE this guy ! ! ! We had a terrible transition time between principals and this guy is a breath of fresh air . . . Young , enthusiastic , great innovative ideas , so much fun to go to work ! Anyhow I digress yet again . . . His wife had a baby on Friday morning . The staff wants to present him with a basket on Thursday with baby goodies so I whipped out my Imagine to create a sign . . . It 's drying with the stickles so I will take a picture tomorrow . Sadly I will not have my gift done by Thursday . I ran to ACMoore to get my mom yarn after school and came up with the idea that she should yet again make a sweater for me . . . LOL She loves to be busy , . Her legs don 't work so good but her hands knit up a storm . Sadly she has said she doesn 't know if she can do her jigsaw puzzles anymore . My brother Mike who passed would stop in maybe 3 times a week to chat and put a piece in her latest puzzle project . She can 't seem to get herself to sit down and work on her puzzle right now . Who can blame her . She lost her son in less that 2 weeks from diagnosis of being sick . I used up every single thank you card and note card that I had in my stash . I love using the create a garden set 2 from rubbernecker because no two cards ever come out the exact same . I worked on a few more note cards last night because I still need to send out a few thank you notes . Tomorrow I hit the ground running and start testing all the new registrations for kindergarten . . . I have like 39 to get done ASAP . . . . Keeping busy now is good so I look forward to it . Well my brothers services were yesterday . I took an extra day off from work today to regroup all my emotions . I think I will try to get back in my craft room . That always centers my world . I took this picture of my brother on Easter of this year . . . I remember he was sitting on my moms steps talking to my brother Fred . . We took James Michael to the hospital really ill on August 17th . We learned over the next week that he was in liver failure . . . . then they thought liver cancer maybe a transplant or chemo to more tests that revealed he had advanced aggressive pancreas cancer that had spread throughout his body . We brought him home from the hospital on Monday the 27th because that is what he wanted . He passed peacefully today with our 91 year old mother at his side . I 'm thankful that he passed quickly and wasn 't in pain . He was 62 and a kind gently soul who was the one who took care of all my moms paperwork and planned all out outings to Cape May . I will update things when I can in the coming days / weeks . School is starting and my brother came home on hospice yesterday so I figure I am pretty much going to be there helping when I am not working for a while . Its been a whirlwind week since he went to the hospital sick . Kinda hard to wrap your head around it all happening so fast . I have made a few of these in several color combo 's . I saw it on pinterest and just loved it . I do not know the originator of the design . I 'm not feeling particularly original right now but need to craft . I cut the squares on the cricut at 1 . 25 , then used the creative memories 1 " and 3 / 4 " for the circles . The cake stamp is from MCT all around birthday but I was careful not to ink the candle on top because it wouldn 't fit in the circle . I colored with copic 's and spectrum noir . The circles are popped out but you can 't really see that in this photo . I found a card online for inspiration for this card . I don 't remember who to give credit . Lots of times when I see things I like I save the image in an inspiration file . I needed to keep busy last night to take my mind off things so I made this for my good scrapping friend Susan who had knee replacement this week . The papers were DCWV Linen Closet . The cricut cut was from beyond birthdays . Okay I hate when people use the words sucks . . . I kinda find it offensive . Like when I was little we were never allowed to say the word fart . . . . It was a no , no . . . You could say stinker , or passed gas but not fart . Well . . . My brother has an aggressive form of cancer and he is going down hill so fast . Today was the really , really official announcement although the doc 's did say it was suspected . He had a biopsy today to find out the kind and what stage . . . REALLY . I think I already know it is stage 4 but whatever ! Anyhow when it comes to cancer I break my rule and use the word SUCKS . The painting is done and the room is cleaned . I am just waiting for the replacement window and blackout shades ( my daughter works nights ) I ordered to arrive , then my daughter can move in from her old room . In trying to finish up the painting my 2nd oldest brother and the one I am closest to was hospitalized . Friday night / Saturday am a little scary because he was transported to a bigger specialized hospital for treatment . My sis and I were driving at 4 am using gps in torrential rain to find the hospital but we made it . . . . He is still undergoing lots of tests and is really weak . At this point all we can do is pray that the doctors can heal him . When I am upset I need to keep busy . . . Sunday night I cleaned the house till 11pm . . . yesterday I went in and almost completely finished setting up my classroom before going to the hospital . This morning I am slowing down a bit as I guess the first wave of adrenaline is wearing off . I 'm waiting for my sis in law to call to find out what the plan is for today . He might be moved from Lourdes to Cooper for a test then back . If so no sense in going till he is back . With medicine you kinda just have to have patience and trust that they know what they are doing . . . . ( Doesn 't mean I don 't ask lots of questions along the way ! ! ! ) I haven 't done a print and cut for a while on my Imagine because I have been preoccupied with my silhouette classes but I need a baby card for a shower when work starts . I realized this is the first time I have done a baby card where the parents don 't know the sex in a long time . My coworker and her husband want to be surprised . She took a leave of absence for this school year with her due date in early October . I used the Imagine Nursery Tails , glossy accents , stickles and various stamps . Now I need to get the yarn for my mom to make a sweater . . . I like schedules . I like to plan out what I am going to do and do it . . . hehehe I used to drive my ex crazy because if I was around the local mall shopping I planned my route to the surrounding shopping centers to always make right turns to avoid the left turn across traffic . It drove him crazy so yes I wasn 't the easiest to live with but hey I WAS a good wife : - ) I digress . . . . I planned out the painting schedule . . . yesterday was to be clear out what my son left for me to box and prep room turned into yesterday clear out and box what was left . . . grrr more than I thought . Really why is he keeping all these college books that are already outdated ? ? ? Into my cavern basement they go . Today was supposed to be paint the ceiling . . . . no it was Spackle , take one of the windows to get measured for replacement cause there is moisture in there , wash down the walls and baseboards , tape everything out , shop for the paint and new blinds , oh and take my mom for an ultra sound of her carotid artery . So why do I make schedules that are unrealistic ? Beats me but it gives me piece of mind . . . I have a card to post tomorrow once I assemble when it 's dry . I try to use all the machines I buy . I have not used the print feature on my imagine in a while so tomorrow the card will be an imagine one . Oh and paint the ceiling and the next day the walls and the next . . . . . . hehehe I am already adjusting my new schedule . Where does it go when you have no schedule ? I start the summer adhering to a schedule and it always falls apart . This summer more than most since I was addicted to the Olympics and stayed up way late every night to watch them . I broke my toe so can 't walk in the am so I sleep in . . . Then the pattern repeats of staying up late . . . I did craft on the weekend . I made a total scrap lift card from pinterest for my friend . There was nothing original about it so I will not post it here . I caught up my happy book . Had lots of things from the last week to add . . . . I have about 9 pages left in the book so that means I have had lots of happiness since January . The book really is doing it 's job because when I go back and look at the pages I really do feel happy reliving the memories . . . Its a great way to keep your life going in a positive direction . Sometimes I add pictures , sometimes just journal and always add any memorabilia I collect from an event . It 's my personal version of project life but on a simpler level . Today is clear out my sons room . . . I have procrastinated this all summer and time is running out to paint it . Changing it means my little guy is really GONE ! ! ! okay I know it 's a good thing for him but when he left for college it stayed his shrine , when he got his job in NYC I didn 't change it . Then he lost his job and was home for 2 years . . . . Now he is back out there and I am so happy . Since my daughter moved home after college she would like the bigger room . She has a great job but is not ready to move out and I am okay with that . So she picked out her colors and new bedding and my little / big guys room will be gone . My daughters old room will be converted to a guest room for when he or anyone else visits . Okay this card was pinterest inspired but I did change it up a bit . I haven 't been to original lately but I keep plugging along . Anyway . . . I wanted to do the bib but with all my cricut cartridges I had only one bib and it was on the paper doll and didn 't really give me the layer I wanted so . . . I cut a scalloped circle with elegant edges and the circle with plantin schoolbook . I embossed the circle then attached it to the scallop . I then put a cup on the back of the card to give me the semi circle I wanted lined up with the scallops and traced it and cut by hand . The girl was cut from all mixed up . I then added stickles , ribbon and brads . . . The inside says . . . Welcome to the world ! I learned how to create this silhouette element on Sunday from my Kerri Bradford class . Oh the possibilities with attaching words to shapes . . . I will have to practice more to commit the steps to memory . You do some welds and some compound paths to create . I put this in my happy book with journaling about my birthday . Errand day today then dinner with a bunch of my co - workers that I haven 't seen since school got out . Oh and I need to make a baby card . My co - worker scheduled for a section on the 23rd decided to come a little early : - ) So happy for her and her family after she miscarried at 5 months last year . I was away since Monday . I went to a summer leadership conference . I learned a lot and had tons of laughs at the evening social gatherings . Here are pictures of a layout I did on Sunday . I worked on my cameo class so practiced all the good stuff I learned to make these 3 layered titles . The photo templates are from Kerri Bradford done in photoshop . My crafting ADHD is getting the best of me . . . I went from multiples of flower cards to Friday night working for hours on some picture collages in photoshop elements to yesterday working for several hours on my online class I purchased by Kerri Bradford to REALLY learn how to use all the creative features of the silhouette Cameo . . . . I wonder what kind of trouble I will get into today after church . It will have to be a quiet something because my daughter works tonight and will be sleeping all day .
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About this time a year ago today , I was staring at my sleeping baby girl , so tiny in that little glass cart beside my hospital bed , wondering what in the world I was going to do with all that pink . Tonight , I still stare at that baby girl asleep in her crib , but now I wonder what in the world I 'm going to do with all that personality ! One year old . Wow . Time flies , doesn 't it ? Some of you know the story of how our little Esther Gracie came into this world but others may not . Bear with me but tonight I feel a bit nostalgic and would like to post a small recap . [ Warning : this may be long . ] Where do I begin ? Ah , yes . I had just snuggled up with my bowl of ice - cream to watch " The Biggest Loser " when , what do you know , my water broke . I was so excited ! ( I 'm not a very good pregnant person . Did you see the 46 on the tape measure ? ) We got all of our bags and packed Jonah to stay with my parents . After dropping him off at their house , we went ahead and headed to St . Mary 's . Now I know you 're supposed to wait until your contractions are 3 minutes apart or screaming your head off in pain , whichever comes first . But I wasn 't about to chance getting stuck at home . You see , the whole week previous there had been flooding in metro - Atlanta . Flooding . As in , water on the road . The hospital is a good 30 , maybe 40 , minute drive from our house . I just knew we were going to be stuck and I would have to birth that baby in my car without an epidural ! It was raining the night my water broke but the waters remained in their river banks and we got to St . Mary 's without delay . I walked into the emergency room where I waited patiently in line behind an oh - so - pregnant young lady who was obviously much farther in her labor than I was at this point . She did not look like she was enjoying this . I could also tell that it was definitely her first child because her husband was loaded down with bags , pillows , books ( who reads a labor & delivery book while in labor ? ) , etc . and kept asking every 15 seconds , " Are you okay ? " My husband was parking the car . Finally it was my turn to register with the girl at the desk . I literally hopped right up to her and said , " Guess . " She didn 't laugh . I thought it was pretty funny . She confirmed all of my information in the computer as I bounced from one foot to the other . ( Again , did you see the 46 ? I 'm pretty sure I was sucking in when that picture was taken . I was so excited ! ) She began to tell me how I might be checked in for observation but that I 'd probably be sent home if I wasn 't far enough in the labor process . Apparently my hopping did not allude to the fact that I was actually having some pretty good contractions . All I had to do was show her my pants and say , " This is not pee . " That did it . A guy came to escort me , my friend & co - laborer , and her husband to the baby ward . ( My husband ? Still parking . ) He asked if we needed wheelchairs . New mama said , " No , ( ugh ) I 'd ( hunh ) much ( mmmhh ) rather ( grrrnn ) walk these out . ( pant , pant ) It speeds ( huff , huff ) up labor . ( groan ) " Oh . One of those . That explained the big exercise - I mean , birthing - ball in the lobby . Well , if WonderWoman here didn 't need one I guess that meant Hop - a - Long didn 't either because he never even offered me one . As he sprinted down the hallways , we had to make frequent stops because my friend kept leaning over and basically collapsing at every doorway . The little fella kept looking at me like , " Is she gonna be allright ? " while hubby just looked scared to death . " First one ? " I offered . " Yeah ( moan ) . I 've been in labor since ( arrrr ) yesterday and they 've sent me back ( hunnngh ) three times . " What . Okay , so I 'm pretty much going home . Might as well turn around now before Bear had to get one of those parking ticket thingies from the little machine and we have to pay 3 bucks for this little trip . Maybe we could stop at the Varsity since I didn 't get to finish my ice - cream . We got to the baby ward and the nurse took my friend to a room pretty quickly . Another one came up to me and asked me how I was doing . " Great ! " I exclaimed . " I 'm not going to be pregnant anymore ! " That got a courtesy laugh . Well , she was polite . She said that normally they have some kind of test strip to determine whether or not my water had actually broken . Then , while looking behind me at the trail I 'd left along the hallway , she turned her attention back to me and said , " I don 't think that will be necessary in this case here . " Sweet . A room and a bed . Almost like a vacation . : ) Fast forward a few hours and several episodes of " The Duggars " later : Bear made it to the room and has now positioned himself in the fold - out bed in full out coma . I 'm so excited I can 't stand it . My mom and Ouida are asleep in the waiting room . Toni , my step - mom - in - law ( or MOSMIL - mean old step mom in law - for short ) and I are the only ones who can 't control ourselves . She 's not mean , we just say that as a joke because step - moms are normally mean in all the stories . She had never seen a baby born from the other end before and everyone else was already used to me and my shenanigans . I needed the sympathy and she wanted the show . : ) They checked me to see how far along I was and I am proud to say that I was " a good 8 centimeters " , which in Kristen - ese is " practically dying and how in the world are you being so brave and strong without being numb from the waist down " . I was so proud of myself . Honestly , I wasn 't even hurting the teeniest bit but I really didn 't want to hurt so I went ahead and got the epidural then . I know , I know . I 'm a baby . For the record , I have no doubt in my mind that I know I could have a baby naturally & probably would do it with grace & dignity . I just don 't want to . Not even the teeniest desire whatsoever . By the time it came for the actual birth part and everyone was awake , Toni and I had convinced ourselves that having 19 or so kids was a great idea and we didn 't know why everyone didn 't have that many . Do you know how sweet Mrs . Duggar is ? Her voice is that of an angel . Yeah , I 'm pretty sure Toni & I are not allowed to be alone together anymore . Needless to say , Esther Grace Keeling entered this world on September 30 , 2009 at 5 : 52 a . m . weighing 7 lbs , 11 ounces . What a sweet pea . Even though there was no more flooding here in Georgia , our family has been flooded with such a joy of this little girl ! She is happiness , giggles , and grins . She claps her hands anytime there 's music on , which is usually praise and worship music at our house , and lifts her hands to the Lord unashamedly . Our house has been flooded with pink , pink , pink . Babies and bracelets have flooded the playroom . I pray that her life is flooded with the Holy Spirit and she is bold and courageous like her namesake to act in obedience with His call . May Living Water overflow her heart and soul with a compassion for the lost and a burden to share the gospel with everyone she meets . And when the enemy comes in like a flood , may she call upon the Spirit of the Lord to lift up a standard against him . As for my friend , I have no idea what her name was . I don 't even know if she had a boy or a girl . All I know is that about 3 hours after Esther Grace was born , I was stepping out of the shower and heard a noise that I 'm pretty sure has never been heard in a civilized setting . It was something primal , uttered from a place that I 'm sure I never want to go . I quit towel - drying my hair and froze . There it was again . This time it was followed by , " She 's pushing ! " and several nurses running into the room a few doors down . A shriek , equal to that of a banshee , echoed throughout the corridor and then - silence . A soft tinkling of chimes sounded , announcing the birth of a new life in the hospital . I clicked on my hair dryer and smiled . Thank you , Jesus , for the epidural . [ I had some complaints about the size of the picture and people being unable to read the quotations so I added them below . I also took the liberty of expanding on my previous post . Here 's the new and improved version . ] I discovered this picture in an ad of a LifeWay magazine and immediately thought it completely embodied Bear and I . Here is where I disclose that I have already picked out our grandparent names . ( I know , weird . ) Bear 's real name , which I can NOT post because the youth are dying to figure it out , has two W 's in it ; therefore , I 've declared that he can be known as " Dubs " to our offspring 's future offspring . ( Mainly because his dad refused to embrace the title once he became a granddad . For some reason , both men find me odd to even have come up with this but Bear 's the one married to me and has no choice in the matter . Just between us , I 'm pretty sure " Dubs " emanates from my fascination with / stalking of a certain * ahem * someone . ) I 've claimed " Nonny " as my own title , since that 's what Jonah actually has called me his whole life . The misnomer has just now been beginning to morph in " Mommy " as he approaches the ripe old age of three and a half . I just hope that the actual mother of my future grandbabies approves . I 'll add it to my prayer list for Jonah 's future wife , along with " a sincere compassion for deranged mother - in - laws " . So , here 's a look at Nonny & Dubs . . . . . We have friends , David and Stephanie Cannon , who are extrememly gifted when it comes to any type of media product . They 've officially become our family photographers , they did my sister 's wedding ( I promise I 'll post about that soon ! ) , and do everything media related for our church . Not to mention they 're our children 's godparents so if Bear and I die anytime soon , you get to visit them on holidays to see the kids . : ) Here 's the link to their photography business : http : / / www . speedbumplove . com / Recently , David has expanded his repetoire to include video and has just started producing some videos for some fly shops in North Georgia . He can do any type of business if you 're interested in updating your marketing . at Okay , so I 'm seeing a trend among Jonah 's friends . First , there 's Carter and his humble attitude . : ) Bless him . He 's such a sweet boy . There 's also Charlie , Jonah 's cousin . I was talking to " Aunt B " ( Brooke , my sister - in - law and mother to Charlie ) about the kids a few weeks ago . She actually has two babies , well - they 're almost 4 . Charlie & Sarah are fraternal twins and are quite full of personality . . . in a good way , mind you . Don 't you just love the boots with the dress ? She is a fashion connoisseur , let me tell you ! " Bant B " , as Jonah calls her , was sharing how her two were at the playground and there was a tunnel slide . Sarah climbed up on top of the slide while Charlie crawled into the opening at the bottom . Then , Charlie proceeds to jump out of the opening with arms raised and shouted , " I AM RISEN ! ! ! " Is that not precious ? ! Apparently , he was Jesus and Sarah was the angel at the tomb . To go along with this pattern of Bible interpretation and application , Jonah came home from preschool the other day with a chapel story . Did you know that Abraham was running away from his " emenies " , the Ammorites , when God told him to go to Nineveh ? Yes , and when Abraham heard that he decided that he didn 't want to go and so he ran away from God . But he didn 't get far because there was a big sea in his way . So guess what he did ? He stuck his big stick in the sand and God parted the water and they all walked across on dry land ! Somehow , later on in the day , he added chains , jail , and a prison break to the story ; however , Paul and Silas were nowhere to be found . Hmmmmmmm . . . . . . let 's hope he doesn 't make a career out of writing commentaries ! I have no idea what version of the Bible Jonah 's reading . And what is it with these boys wanting to be Divine ? I 'll tell you what I think . It 's strictly a parenting issue . Most boys their age emulate superheroes or run around playing good guy vs . bad guy . These three ? They pretend to be the Ultimate Superhero . I mean , come on . What superpower is better than being risen from the dead ? How do they know these things ? Because their parents are teaching them God 's Truth . Granted , things can get a little skewed . . . Abraham ? Red Sea ? Ammorites ? Yeah . But what these young ones understand is that there is a God Who is All - Powerful and in control . He Alone holds the world in place and it is safe to trust Him with everything . They know that there are heroes of the faith ( Hebrews 11 - 12 ) and they want to be a part of that Hall of Fame ! I read something very powerful in my Bible study notes the other day : " What we believe about God determines what we believe about ourselves , our world , our purposes , and our lives . What we believe determines how we behave . " Yes . Even on the playground . Oh , Lord - that I would be as bold as these toddlers ! To live out my faith so unashamedly ! What a blessing . Thank you Ryan , Kelli , Russell , and Brooke for teaching your babies what really matters despite what this world may say . You embrace Matthew 19 : 14 wholeheartedly - " Jesus said , " Let the little children come to me , and do not hinder them , for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these . " You bring your children to Him everyday and by your example , encourage me to do the same . It 's hard to inspire strength mixed with humility in a little fella , boldness seasoned with grace in a baby girl . But we have to do it because we 're called to . " These are the commands , decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess , so that you , your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you , and so that you may enjoy long life . . . . Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength . These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts . Impress them on your children . Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road , when you lie down and when you get up . " Deuteronomy 6 : 1 - 2 , 5 - 7 So thanks for your support and encouragement guys ! ( And if you find a Cliffs Notes on the Holy Bible , could you send it my way ? I 'm thinking we need a refresher course on the whole Old Testament . ) I posted about Jonism here . Carter Hodges is our neighbor . He 's 4 and Jonah thinks they are brothers . Literally . Maybe because it 's they share similar life theology . They are two peas in a pod . Here 's a sampling of Carter 's ' Hodgism ' : Well , at church a while back Carter 's Sunday School class was learning about the story of Moses and the burning bush . Carter 's teacher , a good friend of Ryan 's , was assigning parts to the kids so they could act out the whole story . There were many roles to consider : Moses , his donkey , the bush , Zipporah ( Moses ' wife ) , Moses ' children , etc . When asked which part Carter wanted to play , he paused contemplating his choices and matter of factly stated , " Yeah . I 'll be God . " Way to go , guys . I totally think that humility thing is workin ' for ya . Not to worry though ' cause I 'm right there with you . Just today , Jonah showed sincere humility while riding with my mom . They were running errands and my mom told him , " Jonah , did you know that you 're my favorite boy in the whole wide world ? " He simply stated , " Yeah . " Then , after a pause , said , " God thought - " and stopped . " God thought what ? " my mom asked , curious as to what in the world could possibly follow . Saturday , September 4 was a big day . It was the first gameday for Georgia Football , resulting in an avalanche victory for the Dawgs . It was the first Saturday in September and the fall weather was SO refreshing . Hutson Mason , UGA 's backup quarterback fresh out of highschool , threw his first ever pass of his collegiate career for a touchdown . And Jonah spent his first night without a passie . We were in the car on the way home from Grammy and Papa 's tailgate and Jonah started talking about a cap gun . He 's been hung up on a cap gun for about a month now after seeing one at a friend 's house during our small group night . Bear said that he thought 3 was a little young for a cap gun . Maybe when Jonah turned 5 . I casually threw out , " Yeah , and I know boys with passies don 't play with cap guns . " That 's all it took . He was ready to throw his passie away right then and there . Bear and I exchanged shocked stares , not sure if this was for real or not . I had just been to the dentist where he had explained to me that the passie had to be gone by age 4 or there would be permanent oral damage . I had shoved it into the back of my mind because I didn 't even want to go there . Kindof like potty training . But everyone kept telling me that when he was ready , he 'd let us know and it would be so easy . Well , the day was here . We went to Wal - Mart where he picked out an entire cap gun set ( I think that was a little overboard ) and promptly offered up his passie to the cashier as payment . She handed him his receipt and it was all over . Done . Gone forever , as he would say . Now we have a cap gun rifle , a cap gun pistol , a holster , a bandanna , and 2400 caps . Yay . Yes , I filmed the whole thing like a crazy person . Here 's a video for your viewing pleasure but I 'm sure there are more interesting things you could do . . . . like clean out your pantry . Plus , I 'm trying to use some new video editing software but it was taking too long to figure out so it 's just however it ended up once my patience was gone . A bit of a warning . . . the templates are pretty g - a - y so until we get new software , we 're stuck with this . And yes , Kami , I got the passie back from the cashier and am planning on bronzing it to put on our bookshelf . : ) As for Jonah , he 's doing great . In fact , he asked me right after we left Wal - Mart what did I think he could get for Lovie . I 'd say , he 's fine . Yesterday I had my BSF ( Bible Study Fellowship ) Workshop . This is to kick off the new year of study . Yesterday 's was particularly exciting because we begin a brand new study of Isaiah this year . It 's never been done before by the BSF organization . Along with the new study comes some new guidelines and procedures . It 's all very encouraging and thrilling . ( I think I also love each new year because I 'm truly a geek at heart and love all the office supplies that come with studying the Word ! I always stock up on Sharpies , Post - Its , highlighters , etc . for the year . ) Anyways , during our Workshop the leaders had to answer what we wanted God to do for us , through us , and in us this year as we study Isaiah . Well , since everything had been so new all day my mind automatically went to Isaiah 43 : 18 - 19 : " Forget the former things ; do not dwell on the past . See , I am doing a new thing ! Now it springs up ; do you not perceive it ? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland . " I want God to do a new thing in me ! Everything else is new . . . . Esther Grace has started showing her personality and WOW ! She 's a new thing ! I 'm going to have to parent differently with her and learn new things . Jonah 's a new pre - schooler now . I want a new adventure with God , a new journey . I want excitement , thrill , a new revelation , a fresh anointing . " Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit , to sustain me . " ( Psalm 51 : 12 ) Little did I know what would confront me when I got home . I was putting Jonah down for a nap when Bear came in from work . " I brought a guest home . " By the way he said it , I just knew some huge snake or possum from the side of the road was waiting for me in the foyer . " Is it a what or a who ? " I asked . He just grinned and led me through the hallway to a small statured man who was wearing glasses and standing in the middle of my living room . " This is Jörg . " ( The best way we could ever pronounce it was George but that wasn 't even it . It sounds kind of like Yurg . ) Apparently , my husband had picked up this man from the side of the road in downtown Atlanta . Jörg had flown into Atlanta on Monday and was backpacking through America for the next 3 months . No plan . No itinerary . Just him , a bicycle , and a backpack . My husband 's dream . He had been standing on the side of the highway with his road map trying to decide where to go when a large truck rushed past him . The wind ripped his map out of his hands and into the traffic . The next person that talked to him was Bear Oh . And he would be staying with us for the night . WHAT ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ! ! I panicked in my head . God , this is not a new thing . This is a crazy thing . This isn 't an adventure , it 's insanity . Didn 't Elizabeth Smart get kidnapped by a homeless man that her dad employed ? All these thoughts raced through my head as I extended my hand , smiled , and graciously said , " Hi . I 'm Kristen . " I got to talk with Jörg all throughout the evening . He explained to me that his mother is a fan of " How you say , Old American Criminals . " Huh ? " Like Kojak , " he said . Gotcha . That 's how he improved his English . He bought her a set of DVD 's for her birthday . He would watch them in English and then they would watch them together in German at night . I told him my favorite was Matlock . His mother is also a huge fan of " Gone with the Wind " . Who 's not ? He said that he called her as soon as he got to Atlanta to tell her how disappointed he was . " It 's all gone . Nothing is left of the Old South , " he sadly stated . I told him of Madison and the legend of how Sherman left it intact on his march to the sea because of a lover who lived there . His eyes brightened as I explained that it was only about a 30 minute drive from our house . He said that he had read a lot on the ' Old South ' before he left home and did desire to visit Savannah on his trip . Funny , I thought . We have several things in common . He shared pictures of his two daughters , 21 and 18 , with us and laughed at our two little ones running around . He seemed very nice . Of course , I 'm sure Ted Bundy did too . The more he talked about his family , God began to do a work in my heart . I started to see him the way God sees him . He 's just like me . He said that his 3 month journey in America was a spiritual one . He was looking for peace . He believes in God and says he obeys the 10 Commandments but doesn 't believe in Jesus . Okay , God . So I 'm in sheer panic mode on the inside but if my husband thinks this is a Divine appointment , I 'm supposed to submit , right ? I mean , that was in the vows somewhere I think . But I 'm pretty sure it didn 't include random strangers in our home . That part was definitely not in the vows . You know what echoed through my mind right then ? " The King will reply , " I tell you the truth , whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine , you did for me . " ( Matthew 25 : 40 ) That was mixed in with a little of Hebrews 13 : 1 - 2 , " Keep on loving each other as brothers . Do not forget to entertain strangers , for by doing so some people have entertained angels without knowing it . " What else could I do ? So we all went to church together . Guess what the message was about ? Isaiah 43 : 18 - 19 I 'm not even kidding you . It was 80 's Night for the youth , which I 'm sure confused the heck out of Jörg . I tried to explain to him that we don 't normally dress that way but I think something got lost in translation . He just nodded politely but I think this is the point when he started to think that he had been hijacked by serial killers . Especially when one of the boys walked in wearing a full fledged woman 's leotard and started doing lunges down the aisle . The whole gist of the night was that everyone looked pretty silly dressed like the past and when we go back to our old ways of life after we accept Christ , we look pretty foolish . I mean , the whole point of this Christian life is to move forward . " Not that I have already obtained all this , or have already been made perfect , but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me . Brothers , I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it . But one thing I do : Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead , I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus . " Philippians 3 : 12 - 14 You see , Jörg 's past life was filled with sadness and despair . He lost his job working with Volkswagen when the financial crisis hit Germany and the banks refused to loan people money for new cars . He lost his house when he had no income to pay the mortgage . He lost his wife when everything was gone and she desired something more . Now he desires something more out of life , some could say a new thing , and has come here to America to find it . Jesus is it . I 'd like to say that he prayed to receive Christ right then and there . Honestly , I don 't even know if he understood a single word . I do know that I prayed for him then and all through the night - every time I woke up to the sounds of what I thought was someone prowling around our house stealing every valuable we own . I wish I could tell you that I was victoriously bold and proclaimed Christ with every word I spoke . The truth is I put the kids in their jammies , put them in our bed , locked our bedroom door , and made Bear sleep on the couch to make sure our guest stayed put all night long . I completely fumbled through the whole thing . Maybe next time I will be more courageous . What am I saying ? Next time ? This morning Bear took Jörg to Madison after a shower , a big breakfast , and a good night 's sleep . " For the record , " I said as I passed Bear in the kitchen , " this doesn 't happen again . " After about 5 minutes , he said , " For the record , I heard you . If it really makes you that uncomfortable , it won 't happen again . " Okay , I just realized that the past two posts were so serious . My life is not that depressing ! We 've been so busy and my dad 's internet card has been broken , hence the lack of posts . Here 's some random Esther Gracie - ness for you . . . . . . . . . . When I became the mother of two small children , my quiet times with the Lord suffered . Who has time to sit down & study when you can 't even take a shower ? ! I began to ask God to give me eyes to see Him in my daily routine . It doesn 't replace intimate time with Him but it does help me get through the day !
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I 'm experiencing the last few minutes of possibly my last Thanksgiving Break ever . It went by so quickly , but it seems as if I never really left to go to college at all . It 's fascinating how my memories blur together the way they do , in a way that makes my last year and a half at Mizzou seem like a dream . I suppose it feels that way because I haven 't done very many things that would create strong memories since I 've been going to Mizzou . I keep to myself , just go to classes , numb myself as much as possible with mindless internet browsing . I find myself guilty of over - generalizing about my life at Mizzou in an effort to convince people that I 'm lonely , or that it 's otherwise unpleasant in some other way . Meh meh meh . Anyway . I just have a few more weeks of school in this semester . Then I 'm home again . Then I have one more real semester , plus some summer courses . I 'll be graduating in the summer . I 'm okay with graduating in the summer . My high school graduation didn 't exactly leave me with high expectations for the sequel . And I 've been to at least a couple college graduations . I really don 't feel it 's a memory that I will treasure in any way . Considering how disconnected I feel from most of the students at my school , and how much I like to talk about disconnected I feel , I predict that I would feel inappropriate sitting through a ceremony exploding with pride for the University of Missouri . I 've offended quite a few people at school while explaining my dissatisfaction with the institution . Really though , there are much worse schools , and I should be content about the whole thing . It sucks that I have so much less social interaction , that I have trouble relating to people . . . and all that . I need to learn how to cope with all these little things now , while I still have fairly cozy financial support from my parents and my youth . God , no one is going to want to read my blog if I just dribble on like this in every entry . Haha . I guess I 'm okay with that . For now anyway . I 'm trying to figure out how to get a little website for myself up and running . I 'm a total amateur when it comes to website design . I 've been trying to figure out a domain name , who I want to buy it from , who I want to host the site . Also important : what the hell am I going to do with it ? I guess I could put a blog on it . Blogs seem like a popular reason for getting personal websites . Though I feel like this would make it even less likely that someone might " stumble " upon my blog . At least with blogger , someone could theoretically click that button at the top of the page and be taken to my blog . Half the time when I do that , the blog isn 't even in English . ha . I suppose also I could upload pictures onto my website . That would be fun , eh ? And an " about me " section . Posted by I couldn 't pin it down exactly . Maybe if I reread some of my old journal entries I could give you a rough estimate . I feel emotions . I can be pretty happy . What I feel more so than anything is loneliness . But I live alone . People expect you to be lonely when you live alone . When I tell fellow college students that I live alone , they usually seem a bit shocked . I am envious of people who have fun relationships with their roommates , almost like they 're best friends who 've always known each other . Right now I can 't think of anyone else , any of my facebook friends or twitter friends , who live alone . I hate living alone . I lived in a dorm room for my first two years of school , before I transferred to here . I didn 't care much for the company of my roommates , so I spent most of my time with the girls next door , talking about celebrities or complaining about school , talking about places we 'd rather be . Those girls were the only thing that kept me sane during my time there . If it hadn 't been for them , I probably would have transferred out much sooner . I also had some twisted drama with a boy there , which ultimately left me exhausted and numb . I felt stupid . I felt impotent . I felt ugly . I felt old . I felt like I was falling apart . And even after I transferred , the recovery was slow . Spending so much time alone interferes with my sense of time . Time evaporates at a disgusting rate . I wonder maybe if it 's because I 'm forced to do monotonous maintenance - oriented tasks more so than I would if I lived with another person that I seem to have less time . But more than any specific reason , I think that it 's simply unnatural to be alone on a regular basis . Our brains crave social interaction . I 've shared my thoughts about this with some of my friends / acquaintances . Of course , they suggest that I should join a club or two . Not a bad idea . ( I know how contrary this is going to sound . ) But I just don 't feel like it . Putting myself out there and . . . all that . With the smiling and the introductions , and deciding how I want to present myself . . . and caring what a new group 's perception of me , while not even knowing if I should care what their perception of me is . . . If you 've read this far , you 're a fabulous person . Definitely a people person , you are . Congratulations . Really , some would have already given up . The point of this entry is that I haven 't really been happy about being me for a long time , a good chunk of my life now . I 've spent the last 7 years experimenting with different levels of angst , depression , and burn - out . And I don 't really know how to get out of it . It 's just a matter of pulling my entire self up at once . . . I mean , it isn 't as if I 'm not TRYING . I am definitely trying . I just feel alone in it . Like there 's no one who really understands how weak I feel . Certainly I know someone who could relate to feeling like they don 't have control of their life anymore , though I 'm not sure I should characterize what I 'm feeling as " out of control . " ( Psychiatrists love that shit . ) I feel like no one really remembers a version of me that was stable and reliable . It really puzzles me when someone describes me . . . and it 's obvious that their impression of me is weak , impertinent , bitchy , narcissistic , unstable , flamboyant , and . . . dumb . People think I 'm dumb . Just typing that makes my chest tighten up . I have done some really dumb things , some in the pursuit of " knowing . " And there 's not exactly an abundance of evidence that would support the contrary . People think I 'm incapable . I 'm not even the third place ribbon . I 'm like the " Good job ! " ribbon . The last time I got a " Good job ! " ribbon was in the 4th grade at a Cub Scouts function . I threw it in the trash on the way out . One of the moms picked it out and handed it to my dad . I told him that she had a lot of nerve , and he agreed . We one first place the next year . I bought a book yesterday that 's all about making the most out of life , by working less and setting different kinds of goals . I love self - help books , but this one has me scratching my head : some of the advice is a quite nonconformist . I 'm only 50 pages into the book , but so far I assume the target audience is the middle - class because he assumes that everyone is able to survive on reduced income , while still planning fantastic trips to South America . I have no personal income , and any income that I might be able to obtain would be quickly depleted by day - to - day living , so a lot of the advice regarding vacations isn 't currently useful to me . But other advice he gives , concerning life goals and such , could be useful to me , especially because I 'll be graduating college next year . I should also explain how I heard about this author . I follow several travel info accounts on Twitter , and a couple weeks ago I clicked on a link about " Round the World Tickets . " The author of the book I 'm reading is an expert on them . I didn 't know that RTW 's were real , but apparently you can just call American Airlines and ask for one and they 'll set you up . They 're not cheap , starting at $ 10 , 000 or so , but for the amount of travel and flexibility that comes with them , it sounds like a nice deal , if you have a month free and an extra $ 10 , 000 lying around . . . not to mention a few thousand more for hotels / food / ground transportation . Okay , here 's a few of the questions he asks on page 46 . I thought they 'd make for good blogging material . I 've paraphrased liberally . 1 . Define your nightmare , the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you were considering . Being ugly and poor . I 'm not sure what I 'm planning on doing . 2 . What could you do to make things better , even if temporarily ? Work a minimum wage job and exercise ? I guess this applies to a point in the future when I 'll have already been graduated . 3 . What are the probable outcomes or benefits ? Have less intelligent people done this before and pulled it off ? Having a comfortable living and not being ugly ? YES . 4 . If you were fired from your ( hypothetical ) job today , what would you do to get things under financial control . Run through questions 1 - 3 above . prostitute myself Get a different job ? Move in with someone ? Donate plasma . Possible outcomes : shame , humiliation . Pretty intuitive stuff . 5 . What are you putting off out of fear ? ( What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do . . . A person 's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have . Resolve to do one more thing every day that you fear . ) Improving my writing and sharing it with people . Getting in shape . 6 . What is it costing you - financially , emotionally , and physcially - to postpone action . Well , never developing my talents . Having progressively less confidence in my physical appearance . Probably accelerated aging . Less money than I 'd have were I published . Less money than a person who 's doing the exact same thing , but who is more attractive than me . I went for a walk in the park . Me and a bunch of senior citizens . I listened to really gay music on last . fm the whole time . I rode my bike to school . I liked my outfit so I shard it with my twitter followers . I took my leather bag . I always feel like people judge me for toting around all that leather , even though it always get compliments . I also wore my Ray Bans and my " Hey dude , I rode the luge ! " hat from New Zealand . I don 't think other people find my too - small hat as cute as I do , which makes me want to wear it even more . My hair is thinning on the top , and I 've tried to start wearing hats if I 'll know I 'll be outside for a while in hopes that it 'll prevent further damage to my precious follicles . I missed Geography Lab because I planned my time poorly . I had time before Peace Studies to get some Starbucks . At Starbucks , I immediately realized that I had forgotten my cards ( ID , credit card , debit card , etc ) at home . The last time this happened one of the girls at Starbucks who sees me regularly just let me have my Pellegrino , on the condition that I 'd pay her the next time . That was the day that I had had the drama with my Peace Studies professor , so I was very thankful . ( Afterward I went to one of the journalism school buildings and locked myself in an oversized single - occupant bathroom , so that I could stare at myself in the mirror while drinking the Pellegrino . ) She let me have my coffee for free today . Sorta free . Peace Studies was awful . Boring . Awful . Just awful . What did we talk about ? I 'm trying to remember . Oh , she took a fifth of the class just reading a newspaper article about a high school in Indiana , which had decided to break tradition and feature the Star Spangled Banner and Christian prayer before its athletic competitions . Somehow the article was supposed to fit into a discussion of socialization . Every thing we talk about in that class , I feel , is stuff that people , by living in the United States and being of average intelligence , should just KNOW . We don 't need to break down all these basic parts of society : we know what racism is , we know what socialization is . . . we don 't need to spend 15 minutes developing a single definition . Such a waste of time , that class . I should probably have done more with tonight . Did I get anything done ? I tried to learn how to play a song on the piano and failed . I watched a couple episodes of Buffy . I had a good Twitter discussion about sex . And I played around a little more with a crush I 've been developing . Like all / most of my crushes , they will probably never even know that they are being crushed upon . . . and probably wouldn 't care anyway . They 're probably too busy having crushes themselves . I 'm an international studies major with " peace studies " as my concentration . In order to graduate , I have to take a course called " Introduction to Peace Studies . " I was actually really excited about this course ; I figured it 'd be easy , but I also thought that it would help me develop a sense for what it really means to have peace studies as a concentration . The description on MyZou ( the university site that students use to manage their bills and classes ) was true to my expectations : Interdisciplinary overview including theories on the nature of aggression and war , case studies of contemporary conflicts , consideration of various peace proposals , conditions making war or peace likely . Prerequisites : English [ ENGLSH ] 1000 , sophomore standing . Based on that description , I expected there to be at least occasional discussions of conflicts ( just take a random sample of countries recently scarred by war : the Sudan , Somalia , Afghanistan , Yugoslavia , Iraq , Mexico , Palestine - I would LOVE to have a mention of any of these countries in class ) and peace negotiations , or explanations of peace negotiation failures . Case studies of various conflicts though would have been the minimum of what I was expecting from this course . The reality is that we never talk about any of those topics , or come close . A couple of weeks ago , the class got into a discussion of the Revolutionary War . She seemed quite peeved that we had gone so far " off topic . " I know I have comrades , judging by things people have said to me after class , and also judging by the annoyance on people 's faces after the prof cuts them off mid - sentence ( a frequent occurrence when she doesn 't like what you 're saying ) . I chose to take the road less traveled and challenge her a little . . . I argued that the American elites really did have more to lose in the American Revolution than average citizens , obviously because they 'd all executed for treason , but also because those elites were more cognizant of what it meant to again be dominated by the British Empire . In this case , by elites I 'm referring to our founding fathers , fun characters like Benjamin Franklin and Alexander Hamilton . Not only did she cut me off before I could finish , she didn 't allow me to correct her when she oversimplified my ( kinda trivial ) argument to " wealth is worth more than someone 's life . " I actually was so nervous to begin with that I just broke down into laughter . It was awful . I 'm already uncomfortable with the class because of the way she approaches us ( like we 're completely ignorant of the topic being discussed ) , and because of her rules : no laptops , no multi - tasking of any kind , no food ( she 's eyes my Starbucks cups like they 're rabid dogs ) , and if your cell phone rings , you not only get marked absent but you have to write a 3 - page paper on classroom etiquette . If the class decides to protect the horrible class room disrupter , everyone will have to write a paper . What we do talk about is SOCIOLOGY . Her favorite phrase is " Where 's the sociology ? " I groan every time I hear it . We talk about racism and sexism and ageism . Interestingly , homophobia hasn 't come up , even though it 's in the text , but I won 't hold that against her . Speaking of the text . The first book we read was about privilege in American society . I already had the book . A sociology professor ( for Social Inequalities 2200 ) I really enjoyed gave it to me last year . Other book topics include two books on animal rights ; one on the Holocaust ; one on the Vietnam War and another on American history textbooks . Except for the books on the Holocaust ( which I feel , even with its huge importance , has already gotten its fair share of attention throughout my education ) and the Vietnam War , I don 't really understand why those books are primary readings in a Peace Studies class . And after accounting for the the group poster project creatively titled " Picturing Peace " , the message that I 'm getting is , " Welcome to 9th grade sociology . " And this is what happened in class today . We were talking about mascots : college mascots , professional mascots , elementary school mascots . The Indian ones . They 're offensive , or so I 've been told . . . for pretty much my whole fucking life . This isn 't news by any means . My elementary school 's " team " was called the Chiefs . My friend Hannah goes to the College of William and Mary where the school used to have " Indians " , but now they have " Griffins . " Perhaps this matters more to people who enjoy sports ? ( She tried to get us to discuss reasons for displays of patriotism at NASCAR events , but no one took the bait ) To me , this discussion should last 10 minutes tops . They find it offensive , so do we change it or not ? Why do they find it offensive ? They just do . Okay , then change the names . END OF DISCUSSION . Now we can talk about Palestine ! So , people are totally eating it up . I 'm annoyed . One girl suggests to the prof that she thinks the en vogue term is " American Indian " not " Native American . " My teacher devours the poor girl , and then corrects her , maintaining that " American Indian " suggests Columbus - era racism . I 'm pretty fucking sure that the girl was right . . . . and my teacher was a total bitch about the whole thing . I whisper " Shoot me in the face , " to the pretty girl sitting next to me ( she has no choice in the matter because we have a SEATING CHART ) and she laughs . This is about when I work up the courage to vent my frustration . I raise my hand . She calls on me . I look around , everyone 's eyes are on me . I swallow hard , my muscles prepare for fight or flight . I felt like the silence was trying to talk over me . " While I can see how what we 're discussing loosely relates to peace , I want to know if we 're going to be talking more about actual conflicts . When I signed up for this course , I was expecting discussion of actual conflicts and peace negotiation . What we 're discussing now - people being offended by children wearing Indian makeup and college mascots - though I can see the significance of this discussion - it seems like a luxury that we have in the United States . There is so much more we could be talking about : the Sudan , Algeria , Serbia , Afghanistan - places where there 's actual conflict . We could be talking about so much more , and look , * looks at watch * we 've already wasted 30 minutes on this . " I don 't remember at what point she interrupted me , but I did manage to get all of that out . She was visibly annoyed by my use of the term " actual conflicts . " She said something about the conflict being rooted in hundreds of years of Native American suffering , which is true of course . I replied " But people are dying today . . . . [ something something something ] , " but she had already walked past me up the center aisle of the auditorium . She didn 't like it . God , it 's all so blurry ! I could feel my face turning red . Her final words to me were , " If you don 't like what we talk about in this class , then leave . " Intense classroom whisper action . So , she didn 't tell me to leave outright , but I felt like she was disappointed that I offered her no response . Still pretty dramatic , with a few people staring at me with their mouths open . As a peace studies professor , you 'd think she would at least partially validate my desire to discuss modern conflicts . Eh . She went on to read an excerpt from a book that subbed in modern cuss words / racial slurs for antiquated sports team names . . . this allowed her to say cunt , nigger , and kike several times , along with some other slurs I had never even heard before . It just kinda further emphasized the reasons I 'm so dissatisfied with our class " discussions . " After class , a girl came up to me and said " What you did was brave ! I was afraid she was going to eat you alive ! " A boy high - fived me , and congratulated me on saying what he had been wanting to say . Another boy shook my hand , telling me that I had bigger balls than him . It was pretty awesome . I think most of them feel that a 1000 level class doesn 't warrant much passion , but it 's my major . It 's supposed to be the foundation of all of the following peace studies courses I take . Sorry I couldn 't remember the exact quotes ! Usually I 'm better about that . Ugh . Hopefully this is mildly readable and I haven 't completely robbed my story of it 's humor / drama . I was just looking at an article on Politico about Tony Blair 's recent interview in Conde Nast Traveler , in which he suggests that we think of Palestine more as a travel destination . He thinks that tourism to the area will help the peace process . He assures us that he never felt unsafe while traveling in Palestine . Granted he probably had a team of body guards with him , but based on personal experience I 'd have to agree that Palestine is relatively safe compared to some destinations in South America and Asia , which Americans still flock to despite known risks . There were two commenters ahead of me . Conservative # 1 says that we need peace BEFORE travel , not the other way around , unless we want a bunch of American hostages . There are more than enough travelers visiting Palestine already . If there was going to be a hostage - taking epidemic in Palestine , it would not be a consequence of increased tourism . Palestinians would be thankful for the extra income . Just last year I visited Israel and Palestine with a group of students from my university , all of us enrolled in a Biblical Archaeology - focused course . I don 't think most Americans realize that some of the more important locations in the Bible , like Bethlehem and Hebron , are actually important Palestinian cities . We stayed 3 nights in Bethlehem . Even though the environment was noticeably impoverished ( my hotel room was painfully 1970 's , however comfortable ) I felt like I was treated more nicely in Palestine . And I never felt endangered . I saw far far less guns in Palestine than I saw in Israel . And actually , most of the guns were Israeli snipers stationed around Abrahamic holy sites . We were had to go through 3 checkpoints to get into a certain mosque . We were told a 6 year old boy was gunned down the month before because he ran through one of the checkpoints on his way to prayer . There was only one time in the entire month that I felt threatened and that was during a monthly ( fairly large ) anti - Islamic parade held by a conservative Jewish group , where they openly sing songs about taking back the Temple Mount and destroying the Dome on the Rock . We were staying with with a group of nuns on the Via Dolorosa , which happens to go through the Muslim Quarter . The paraders graffittied the doors to our building as they passed and the nuns warned us that they might spit on us . Americans should visit Palestine more to see what it 's like for themselves . Certainly , as an American , ( wearing shorts and holding a camera ) I have never received more resentful looks than I did when strolling through the Jewish Quarter in Jerusalem . Ridiculous . Anyway , I need to blog more . I think I feel like because this blog is just completely public , that I 'm hesitant to use it unless I have some reasonably good material ( not that every thing I 've written about so far has been ground breaking by any means ) . But I should just write . And hope for the best . I 'm not going to live forever and I can 't keep waiting for brilliant words to pop out of my subconscious . And damn it Blogger , you suck at formatting ! This paragraph should be normal size font . And it keeps inserting weird spacing . . . wtf . This last weekend I went back to Saint Louis to visit everyone . The Saint Louis Pride celebration was happening in the city , which was my official reason for deciding to get away from Columbia . I was also running out of clean clothes , and I was very much looking forward to spending more time with Jeff . He must really like me . There is , however , a chance that he 's just really desperate and adept at feigning excitement and arousal . It 's hard for me to judge physical attractiveness because I 'm drawn to different features in different people , so I 'm not going to say that Jeff is any more or less attractive than other people I 've been with , but he is certainly more intelligent , which I find incredible sexy . I think I mentioned before that he talks more than I do . I still sometimes feel overwhelmed during our conversations because Jeff seems to possess an intellect that 's able to jump from subject to subject , seemingly able to converse endlessly . I like to listen though , so unless he finds my lack of conversational input off - putting , I 'm fine with the imbalance , as long as it doesn 't fall into a professor - student dynamic . I 've wondered perhaps , that as a result of having spent so much time alone , that I 've trained myself to trim my thoughts so that I 'm able to share my viewpoint before the person I 've managed to corral into conversation with me loses interest and moves on with their day . Perhaps that explanation has less to do with reality and more to do with my insecurity . Okay , that 's definitely what it is . I 've long known that my verbal abilities , keen as they might be normally , are pathetic the day after a night of drinking . Jeff has had the pleasure of witnessing this a few time now . However charming I might have been before and during my nocturnal drinking session , the next morning I will barely be able to offer a comment on rather normal subjects , or even on subjects about which I would normally find myself spilling over . There were several times I woke up from a daydream with Jeff stPosted by It 's extraordinary , the way it feels when it 's just me . I take off my headphones . I turn off the TV . I force my self to stop thinking about what other people are doing . And it 's just me . Suddenly I remember what I 'm supposed to be doing , the kinds of things I wanted to see myself doing when I thought I was on track to be one of the most distinguished people in the world . It could have happened . If I had lived in a suburban paradise . If I had had no resistance in my life . I was smart , I had resources , it could have happened . STOP Today I went for a walk in the park . Halfway through the walk , I took my headphones off and was amazed at the difference it made to the rest of my senses . I think the music was keeping my mind tied to thoughts outside the present . Sure , when I was listening to music , I could see and smell , but just the absence of that music that was continuously pulling me inward enhanced the experience like I wouldn 't expect . It isn 't the first time I 've experienced this , but lately I think I 've just been numbing my mind more than usual . I 'm constantly watching TV , show I 've watched countless times . Or listening to music . Or jacking off . All of those things have their own merits , but when you 're doing them constantly , so as to prevent your mind from creating original thoughts , it becomes a symptom of a disease , which fits itself somewhere in between Cabin Fever and Depression . That moment when I take my headphones off , or close my laptop , and take a deep breath and really , REALLY , look at my surroundings , it 's like I 'm really waking up . I think my brain gets more action during my dreams than in my waking life . Obviously , if I 'm really numbing my mind that much , and my brain is doing its normal brain activities , it probably is getting more action at night . Typing is fun . Reading is fun . Thinking about myself is fun . This is productive . I can spend 4 hours a day looking at myself in the mirror and have nothing to show for it . But if I spent 4 hours a day typing about myself , even if I were just bitching and over - rationalizing every pathetic decision , I would still have a heck of a lot more to show for it . Who knows ? Maybe eventually , something brilliant would arise out of my chaos . Starbucks opens at 5 : 30 on weekdays . My class starts at 9 : 50 , although the professor doesn 't start class until 10 . I 've been thinking that ( because I never seem to get anything done at home ) that I could just come here at 7 , buy a coffee , nurse it for a couple hours , and just get stuff done . I would turn this little Starbucks on Ninth Street into my personal office . That sounds like a reasonable idea , doesn 't it ? Getting stuff done . Nothing wrong with that . I promise that I 'm going to start writing more . I don 't know who I 'm making this promise to . Myself ? Blogger ? I have a lot to talk about . I definitely have some more material for a Jeff entry . Coming soon . I promise . My goals for the last 6 or 7 years remain mostly unchanged . I don 't feel any closer to attaining them . If anything they seem more distant than ever before . I have a feeling of not knowing which way to go . I 'm wondering exactly what it is that isn 't going to plan . My brain , my body , my habits . I feel that unlike in the beginning , when it was just small things , like the frustration I got from having to spend more time on math exams than my friends , and not having clear skin , that now my frustration is more all - encompassing . I 'm talking about myself . I 'm not saying that I 'm frustrated with the economy or day - to - day life . I still function rather normally . I 'm extremely reluctant to admit to having any sensation that could possibly be called depression . That 's not what it is . And I 'm not satisfied with saying that I 'm burnt out because I long to be in an environment where I would be able to have the chance to become burnt out . I feel so inactive . * looks through thesaurus * " Listless " might be the extreme of what I 'm feeling . Perhaps " impotent " would work . I feel impotent , mostly in an intellectual / emotional way , though considering my recent sexual history , I might as well include the sexual definition , too . I 've been seeing a guy named Jeff . He 's really great . He 's 25 - four years older than me . He 's going to medical school at St . Louis University . He got his bachelor 's degree from the same university I escaped from after my sophomore year . He went for free . He got his graduate degree from Columbia in Manhattan . He lives on the 8th floor of an apartment building in the Central West End . He 's good at having conversations . I 've only seen him four times . The first time was coffee . The second time was Thai in South City . The third date was mostly spent walking around the Delmar Loop talking constantly . We kissed in a parking lot , but I suggested we continue inside a car . And then we kissed more in his apartment . The fourth date we went bowling at a place on Delmar , and then he introduced me to Ethiopian food . We talked so much ! I 'm not used to talking to anyone that much . We went back to his place and kissed more . And a little more , too . I felt a little bit of my dignity slip away because of it . I promised myself I would never start out a relationship so quickly . . . again . It 's probably because I hadn 't been with anyone since last September . I hadn 't kissed anyone since November . I don 't think it 's healthy for someone my age to go that long without human intimacy . And I 'll be starting my summer classes next week two hours away . . . chances are I won 't have another chance to do it anytime soon with someone else . And I felt like I could trust him . I can trust him . And though I wonder , I doubt he thinks any less of me for what happened ( though I had told him the previous day that I wouldn 't let myself go further so soon ) . I also believe that it 's important to check for sexual chemistry before you spend too much time with a person . What if they can 't stand to look at you naked ? This paragraph is looking a little cluttered , but I really needed to write something down about what I 've been thinking in light of my time with Jeff . I haven 't been writing much at all lately . The bottom line is : I 'm am so fucking insecure . Even though IPosted by It can be a real challenge : finding people to date . If you ask me , it 's even harder for gay people because there are so far fewer of us . And trying to find an intellectual equal , an okay - looking gay male who 's also into me - well , it hasn 't happened yet . Okay , that 's not exactly true . I 've dated okay - looking guys , attractive guys who have been generally smarter than average , but . . . I still kinda felt like I had to go out of my way to communicate with them . . . frequently . It 's really exhausting , filtering my words for the benefit of others , and I probably do it much more than I should , but none of those guys would 've tolerated me if I hadn 't . I 'd still be a virgin . There was always a point in the relationship when I felt that I could stop treading so carefully , ease up on the filtering , but as soon as that happened , every thing would implode , usually quite rapidly . I 've had 3 more - than - dating guys , but only one of them could be characterized as a relationship relationship . All very different guys : none of them , or any of the other guys with whom I 've gone on dates , would ever get along willingly . A few weeks ago , I went on a date with a really nice guy . I was actually nervous , like ' going to play a concerto in front of 5 , 000 people ' nervous . The date went well , even though my nervous flirting was probably a little over - the - top . We went to an okay Italian place , and then saw a movie at an independent theater . He and I had tons in common , so much so that after a while , I had to force myself to stop adding " me too ! " kinda comments . A week later , however , he texted me saying that he was trying to focus on creating a relationship with someone he already knew . I wasn 't offended - I could relate to that . Before I had gone out with Travis , I hadn 't been on a date in a full year . I went almost my entire 20th year of life without seeing one person . I should probably note that I met Travis on a gay dating site . I was reluctant , as many people are , to try such a site . My first question is , what does it say about these people ifanything in the job category other than " student " So , I talked to one of the guys on 9th Street asking people to write letters to Claire McCaskill expressing support for green energy technology . . . I sat down to write a letter and was genuinely amused by the responses of other passers - by when they were asked . . . I at least try to form a somewhat polite response when declining to sign a petition . I at least try to throw out a calm " No thank you " and a smile . But these people could only muster rude no 's and disapproving , hardly meaningful grunts . It was a wide variety too : men , women , young , old , stylish , shabby . I can see why someone might not have enough time , although it is a worthwhile cause , but at least attempt some civility . He wasn 't odd looking or anything , the guy I talked to , though he did have a hippie - esque quality to him , with his tan and unkempt hair though that was probably from just being outside all day . He asked if I was writing in calligraphy . " No , just my normal handwriting . " He talked to me all during the 4 minutes it took me to write a little letter to the senator . I crossed my legs and set the tablet on my right knee - the toe of my right foot touching his leg now didn 't seem to bother him . I didn 't want him to think this was a flirting tactic , almost sure he was straight , so I shifted a couple more inches away . He must have been thankful , with all that enthusiasm in his voice . I wanted to ask him more about his personal motivations for standing outside in the sun so that he could be rebuffed by people who think they can 't afford to lose 4 minutes of their time . But I left , only returning his polite " have a good day " wishes . This is the best Spring Break I 've had in years . I went back to St . Louis for the weekend and ended up spending all of Monday with some of my cousins just driving around the city . It was so much fun . We went to the Zoo for a bit , had a delicious pizza ( called Cherokee Street ) at Pi on Delmar , and did a ton of exploring ( being lost with me driving ) . Lyndsey and Sarah said it was the most fun they 'd had all year . I have to sPosted by I 'm currently a university student , and I have many interests ! I 'm not an aspiring professional blogger . My blog is a place for me to experiment with the internet and share cool stuff that I 've come across . Enjoy !
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Category : Product Reviews The Upside of Terrible Technology Following up my article below about cutting the cable , I can happily report that saying bye - bye to Time Warner ( now Spectrum ! ) was a good decision . We still have internet with Spectrum , but we decided to stick with the DirectTVNow app and Netflix , which saves me $ 65 per month overall . We dropped Hulu , since there was nothing on it that I really wanted that I couldn 't get somewhere else . If they had had CBS programs , it may have been worth it for a while . Once I finish all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls , plus the new episodes , I plan to drop Netflix streaming for a while and pick up Netflix disc when all the regular television seasons end , so that I can catch up with Elementary and Big Bang . Netflix is wonderfully flexible about sudden changes , and for $ 10 a month , they offer a lot of value . Plus , there are several movies I want to see that never made it to either Netflix streaming or Amazon Prime . Oh , yes , we have Amazon Prime , but that 's mostly for the free , fast shipping , because I want to get books in Verucha Salt fashion : " I want it now ! " So , is DirectTVNow a great app ? Not really . It buffers a whole lot sometimes , and it may even shut off at the most irritating moments , but other times it is just like having cable TV . Is it worth $ 35 a month ? Oh , yeah . Just having live news has been essential lately , and except for CBS , it offers us all of the channels that we want to watch , although I do miss my DVR . A lot of the shows that I miss , though , are available by going to the website on my smart phone and " casting " them to the TV a day or so after they air live . That 's how I 've watched Masterpiece Theater and BookTV this year . The Amazon Firestick , however , is quite wonderful . If you need a simple , easy way to manage all of your connections to various media , Firestick is great , and the remote is amazing . You can just talk to Alexa . It 's not expensive , and we got one free by signing up for DirectTVNow . Amazon will help you with customer service over the phone , or even take over your screen while you 're talking to them and solve all of your problems . Customer service for DirectTVNow is an online chat with someone who is definitely struggling with the English language . Frustrating . Even with all of these avenues for entertainment , however , we 've found ourselves watching much less television that we did with cable and DVR . When I had series stacked up in the DVR , I felt obligated to watch them all . Now , I have to make a deliberate decision to sit down and watch a show , and often , I 'd rather stick with whatever else I 'm doing . Combined with a real effort to separate from social media a bit , I have much more time for music and especially reading . Right now , I 'm devouring one book after another , in all kinds of genres . Since I read to live and read for a living , that 's a great thing . I just finished a wonderful children 's book ( Ghost ) , I 'm a few chapters into a new adult nonfiction book ( The Benedict Option ) , and just picked up the new Pulitzer Prize - winning adult fiction ( Underground Railroad ) . Of course , I still have stacks of unread volumes on my nighttable and piles in the guest room , too . For the moment , though , I 'm really enjoying working through each one . I have a tendency to hit a wall with reading every once in a while , but I hope it doesn 't happen before I get a chance to read Thick As Thieves , by Megan Whalen Turner , or to finish several nonfiction books that I have lined up . So my advice to you is , go ahead ! Cut that cable ! Read ! Or - as my mother used to say to me when I was a kid - go outside ! The last time we visited our porch progress was on December 1st ! Well , after all of the excitement of the holidays , the guys got back to working on our screened porch , which was just so much more complicated than I expected . By the time they had finished the interior work , the porch had a roof and a floor , but the posts were unfinished , and the walls were still Tyvek plastic wrap ! Everyone who asked me about Christmas discovered that my wish list was all about the porch . Our color scheme will allow me to have lots of fun with our last name , so we 're going with a dark wood ceiling , dark wicker furniture , white posts and railings , white cushions , and lots of pops of teal . I picked out a set of outdoor dishware at Pier One , and between gifts and gift cards , I was able to get 8 place settings of the whole thing ! They call it turquoise , but I 'm saying teal . I also found a teal lantern on clearance . My friend Andrea Pearlstein of BookPearls created this beautiful collage " T " for our wall , and David gave me a tiny peacock table for between the rockers - just big enough for two coffee cups . The carpenters built up the posts around the porch and gave them the shape I showed them from a picture in Southern Living . I didn 't expect the side trim , but that 's because the Southern Living porch was not screened . Each section of the porch has a separate section of screen , so if there is a tear ( oh , no ! ) , we only have to replace that section . They wrapped the posts in a weather - proof material so that it will look beautiful year after year . After putting new siding on the walls , they started painting . There was so much painting to do ! One of the most difficult parts of the porch was finding the right stain for the beadboard ceiling . We wanted to match the acacia flooring inside the house , so Greg gave us the Minwax brochure , and then created eight samples from the colors we chose . None of them were right ! Most of them looked the same - blackish - brown - with one or two orange boards . Greg agreed that nothing worked , so he took a piece of our floor and an unfinished piece of our ceiling to Sherwin - Williams so that they could create a custom color . Beautiful . However , what a mess to apply ! The guys used a sponge to wipe the stain above their heads , and it was watery and ran everywhere . This took several days , and I know they were glad when it was over . Afterward , they coated the ceiling with a semi - gloss , weatherproof sealant . It has swirls of light and dark , just like our floor . Landon then had to paint over the smears on the yellow siding and white trim . Way back when , I had chosen a fan for the porch with tropical leaf blades . However , when the electrician came out to do the first phase of his work , he told me that I would have to have multiple switch boxes on the wall beside the back door if I had all of the floodlights on separate switches and the fan and fan light on separate switches . So , I compromised by putting two of the floodlights on one switch and choosing to get a fan with a remote control , so that there was only one wall switch for it . I had no idea that the original fan was in my garage until the day that the electricians were coming back to install it . It did not have a remote control , just chain pulls hanging down ! We had to cancel the electricians for the day and go on a hunt for an appropriate fan . Perhaps it would have been easier in June , but our local home improvement stores did not have outdoor fans with remote controls in stock , even at the warehouse . Amazon came through for me , though . We found one with rattan , leaf - shaped blades that match the wicker rockers . Two - day Prime shipping , and we 're back in business . The electricians came through and put up the fan , floodlights , and four of the ugliest outlets I have ever seen . This is the building code . They are on these little pipes because they have to be high enough off the floor that if rain hit the floor , it wouldn 't splash onto them , which is actually safe . I 'll have to arrange furniture to hide them . I was hoping to put a glass side table over one of them , but of course , the outlet is higher than the table . We had final inspection last week ! We failed . The two stairways , one from the porch and one from the new kitchen door , needed adjustment , because the code had recently changed concerning the height of the top and bottom steps . Furthermore , they needed to dig a drain pipe coming out from the breakfast room crawlspace . All that has been done , and all of the piles of lumber and materials have been removed from the yard . Mason used a backhoe to take away the big rocks and chunks of cement that were dug up when the foundation went in , and then smoothed the yard and spread grass seed and hay . Unfortunately , we 've had a lot of crows hanging around lately , and I think the grass seed may have been devoured . The backhoe is still sitting in the yard , waiting on the final inspection tomorrow . The weekend weather forecast was so beautiful that I texted Greg on Friday and asked , " Can we put furniture out on the porch , or do we have to wait until after the inspector leaves ? " He replied , " Put it out ! " So we did , and I have lived out here every minute that I could . Saturday morning , I told David , " I plan to read and write on the porch as much as I can today , " and when I walked outside a couple of hours later , I saw that he had already set up my laptop , ready and waiting for me . Husband of the year . We have a long way to go on furnishing the porch , and we have already discovered that we will definitely need blinds , especially when the weather heats up ! But the woods behind my house are so peaceful . The peepers are singing , and the barred owls must think it 's spring , since their calls end in long whirr - rr - rrs . And I 've got a rocking chair , so if you need me , I 'll be on the porch . If you 're like me , you 've had numerous conversations with all sorts of folks about the ridiculously high price we pay for cable television and the lack of control we have over our choices . Our television viewing is mostly news and sports , along with a few series that we enjoy , but usually watch after they 've been recorded on DVR . Unfortunately , most of them are CBS shows ( Big Bang , Elementary ) , and CBS is remarkably territorial about their programs . They have a proprietary app , and they tend not to share . These few things have kept us tied to Time Warner Cable for years . Lately , while paying bills , I 've been noticing that our TWC bill has been creeping up . When our " bundle " expired last summer , the Time Warner rep had no qualms about telling me that they had no special deals for returning customers . At that time , the Time Warner / Spectrum merge was just beginning , as was the football season . Annoyed as I was , I was not emotionally ready to skip the entire season of SEC football , and I 'm sure my husband would have cheerfully taken out a home equity loan to watch the Gamecocks . So we cut some services and did the best we could . However , as the inheritance in my savings account has flowed into my contractor 's bank account , we knew that we had to be ruthless immediately following the last Panther 's game on New Year 's Day . Our January TWC bill had somehow reached $ 176 per month for internet access and basic cable , with one DVR . I 'd wrestled with the customer service people at Direct TV and Dish , and had found them to be rude and pushy . My sister has Dish , and even though the service is great , she reports that they are the most dishonest company she has ever dealt with . ( We both agreed that Netflix is the most honest company we 've ever dealt with . ) Furthermore , I was not interested in getting into another contract , with equipment rentals and so on . That would be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire . All that being said , the best news I 've heard in years is that there are now at least two new options for people looking for live TV without a contract : Sling TV and DirectTVNow . These are services that stream directly through your internet connection , and can be used on your TV , tablet , phone , or any other device . Sling TV is $ 20 a month for their basic group of channels , which includes CNN , HGTV , Food Network , BBC America , and all the ESPNs , among other channels that don 't matter to me . They also have additional packages that you can add on , including a sports package that has the SEC Network . Since there is no contract , we could pick up the extra sports package for only $ 5 a month during football season , and then drop it during the off - season . While researching Sling , I read that Hulu has signed a contract with CBS , so I felt comfortable that I could get both for $ 32 a month total , and have access to all of my shows . DirectTVNow is $ 35 a month for their basic service , which has all of the above channels , plus a few more , including Fox News . It also has no contracts , and can be dropped at any time . I read a lot of reviews of all of these services , and a couple of in - depth reviews said that Sling had more buffering issues , particularly with sports , than DTN . However , when I put out a Facebook post , asking friends about their experiences , I got a few favorable reviews of Sling , and no reviews of DTN . Since it was cheaper , and the app was already installed on our smart TV downstairs , we decided to go with the Sling / Hulu combination . Dropping Time Warner down to internet only was more difficult than I had imagined . The merge with Spectrum has been completed , and apparently customer service was a major casualty . The rep told me that internet - only would cost $ 80 per month . When I let him know that I was appalled , he said that I was a returning customer , and would therefore get no discounts . Then he told me that I could bundle local channels with internet for $ 70 a month . When I told him that my son , down the road a few miles , was paying $ 50 a month for Turbo internet only , he said that he must be on a new - customer plan . He tried to sell me their top speed internet , which we 'd been paying for in our bundle , and I reminded him that even TWC admitted that our area did not have the infrastructure to make that speed possible . Furthermore , we had turned in our rented modem a couple of months ago , but I could see that they are still charging us rent , even though we now own our own modem . Eventually , I let him know that we were going to a no - contract , internet - based television provider , that there were plenty of other internet providers available now , and that I was amazed that TWC had any customers left . I said that I would take the internet - only price he had quoted , and would immediately start looking into other providers , so expect me to call and cancel soon . He found a way to get the price to $ 59 a month , and my son told me later that that was what he was paying , too . Our Blue - Ray player upstairs has Hulu installed , so we went online immediately and searched for our favorite shows . Scorpion is a show that I have wanted to watch for some time . Unfortunately , it is in its second season , and I have never been able to find the first season on Netflix or Amazon Prime . Hulu does not have it , either . Thank you , CBS . The newest Elementary episodes were a year old , so that contract with CBS hasn 't kicked in yet . Otherwise , I could get just about everything else on Netflix or Amazon , so within a couple of days , we canceled Hulu . Our smart TV downstairs has the Sling app pre - installed , and we could Chromecast * it upstairs . CNN came in as clearly as it did with cable , so we spent a couple of mornings with Alisyn Camerota and Chris Cuomo . We are used to the Fox News morning crew , although I spent most of the primary last year watching CNN , because they had much more balanced coverage . ( That changed during the general election . ) I am familiar with Erin Burnett and Anderson Cooper in the evening , though , not the breakfast show . In my experience , CNN and Fox News each give half of the news , both because of their opposing perspectives on the events , and because of what they choose not to cover at all . It was frustrating not to be able to switch back and forth for the different viewpoints . It was the sports shows , though , that made the decision . The drag and buffering were insufferable . We watched some basketball games in which the player jumped up , the ball left his hands , and the picture froze , only to start again with everyone running down the court in the other direction . We didn 't know if he had made the shot or not . Also , when they were running , the picture blurred . Sometimes , it stopped altogether . We realized that , even though $ 20 was a great price , we were not getting anything that we wanted . We decided to cancel Sling , as well . Canceling Sling and Hulu were both very easy . I went online , logged in , and went through the steps outlined . Both services wanted to know why we were canceling and tried to lure us back , but after a few clicks , it was done . I received emails confirming the cancellations , and since they were both well within their seven - day trials , we paid nothing . So , we were left with DirectTVNow . I tried calling them for more information , and it took me 24 minutes to reach a live person . That was annoying , but once I did reach her , she was actually helpful , although she lied that they had CBS . They don 't . I went online to sign up for their service , and ended up paying one month in advance in order to receive the Amazon Fire Stick for free . I was going to buy one for the upstairs Samsung TV anyway , since Chromecast streams from your phone , so you can 't use it while you are watching TV . I received a confirmation email saying , basically , " Thanks so much for signing up , and you 'll get your Fire Stick in 2 or 3 weeks . " Two or three weeks ! ? So I went downstairs to figure out how to get the DTN app onto our Sony smart TV , and after working hard to find it on the Google Play Store on the TV , then discovering that Sony 's customer service people don 't answer the phone on Sundays , I did an online chat with Sony . The answer is : they don 't have the DTN app and have no plans to get it . So , I ordered another Fire Stick from Amazon and found out that the new one won 't be released until January 21st , and they 've taken the old one off the market . On the upside , we can Chromecast downstairs , too , so we spent a while exploring DTN . We watched Fox News . We watched a basketball game with a much clearer picture and much less drag than Sling . I think we 're home , and I 'm hoping that the experience is even better with Fire Stick than with Chromecast . As for local channels , we have none . All of the online reviewers and one of our friends recommended the Mohu Leaf indoor antenna . Buy it once for about $ 70 , and you 're done . I 'll let you know if this works to fill in the CBS and PBS gap . I must find a solution before the next season of Grantchester . Of course , we can always plug the laptop into the TV for PBS . On another note , we have a sound bar on our Sony , and when we removed Time Warner 's cable box , it threw the sound bar back to factory settings . The sub - woofer went to zero . David had to dig out the owner 's manual and re - set the sound . All is well now . Take advantage of free trials . I tend to think that if I research a service enough , I will be sure to love it , but actual experience shows otherwise . Be realistic . Make a decision to watch less casual television . Don 't keep the TV on for no reason . Read a book . Write a book . Go outside and play . Don 't be afraid to try new technology . Do research on Google and irritate customer service reps and teenaged / grown children . You 'll learn a lot .
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Today , I attempted a feat that shouldn 't be attempted by man or mouse . I tried to complete three days worth of work , in ONE day ! Do not attempt this . It 's not worth it . LOLLet 's see , what all did I do today ? Did the laundry . Cleaned the kitchen from last night 's dinner . Made a meal list for a month . Made a grocery list for this week . Cleaned the great room . Cleaned the kid 's bathroom . Bathed all the littles with Allison 's help . Went grocery shopping . Cleaned the little 's room with their help . Did the bills . Whew , I 'm tired . ( lol ) In other news , the kids had a great time up north ! They would like to visit again sometime . My parents did a great job showing them the area . They got to go to York Town and Williamsburg . Evie was on her best behavior ! My parents were quite happy with her and I 'm so proud ! She 's really growing up . Everyone got home safe and sound yesterday and we 're getting used to each other again . lol We had a Sponge Bob moment after I got back from grocery shopping today . LOL Isaac forgot he already ate his Kosher chocolate coins and then thought Evie was eating them . LOL If those of you who watch Spongebob , I 'm referring to the Free Balloon Day episode . LOLI guess that 's it for today . I 'm beat . LOLBlessings , Lisa Sophia enjoying the view from her new Bumbo seat . . . Isaac loving on his little sister . . . Sophia 's saying , " Tell me he 's not petting me . . . " Isaac has never really paid much mind to his little sister . This little break from the bigger kids has made him notice and appreciate Sophia . Who knew this blessing would come out of letting the big kids go off with Grandma ! It 's been a real joy to see their relationship blossom and for Eric and I to be able to give these little ones some special time with us . Blessings , Lisa Here 's Sophia in her new Bumbo seat . . . She says , I like it ! Sophia telling her Daddy all about it . LOL Don 't mind the messy house , I 'm off duty until the big kids return home sometime tonight . LOL Really , these little ones have kept me busy ! Blessings , Lisa Once again , it 's the box that gets the most play . . . We 've been doing o . k . so far without the big kids . I 'm hanging in there . LOL My Mom came over and picked up the kids early this morning and took everyone shopping . Afterwards , she dropped Isaac off , loaded the van and left . Time has been moving oh so slowly ever since . lol So far , Isaac and I have played outside , played with the new stuff from CBD , and then he found the box . lol That 's held his interest more than anything . Sophia on the other hand has been firmly attached to Mommy . I guess she 's afraid I 'm the next person to disappear . lol Blessings , Lisa Posted by Hurray ! Can you hear the rescue music in the background ? lol UPS visited us and dropped off these wonderful products for my wound up kids to enjoy ! What perfect timing . Almost like I planned it that way . . . . lol More like , God 's perfect timing . My kids are very happy with the new Lauri products that I found at CBD . We have some more goodies coming in the next few days that they will enjoy for school next week . The Lauri Carousel being expertly put together by Jon Isaac with the shape sorter Allison with the Airport Evie already done with her new puzzleI really like these puzzles ! They are challenging but not frustrating . I 'm starting the VP Phonics on Tuesday and I 'm really looking forward to it . Evie doesn 't like fluff and this looks grown up and very art - based . I got the workbook today in the mail and it looks great ! Blessings , Lisa More pictures . . . LOLA blurry Jon . . . I really need to get some good photos of him . . . Evie can barely contain her excitement . . . Never , I repeat , never tell the kids about an upcoming vacation ! ( unless it 's 5 minutes before you leave . lol ) Evie is just about to come unglued with the anticipation of the trip to my sister 's on Friday . LOL She 's so excited ! If I can just get through today , I think we 'll be o . k . Poor Isaac is going to be so disappointed when everyone leaves without him . He loves to go with Grandma but he also expects to come home in the evening so I know this is for the best . Luckily , Daddy will be home a few short hours after they leave and then he 'll be fine . This is the first trip without us that the older kids have ever taken . I 'm praying for a safe trip , really good behavior for all going , and for them to have a great time . Blessings , Lisa Sophia with her new toy . She looks quite amused , doesn 't she ? LOL Oh , well . Maybe she 'll like it when she 's a little older . Kate 's Peanut Chicken . . . Peanut Chicken Cook , cool , and cut into bite size pieces several boneless chicken breasts . You can use leftover chicken if it isn 't strongly seasoned . I usually toss severalof the Tyson breasts in a 9x13 covered tightly with foil and cook them untildone at 350 or so earlier in the day . You can add salt and pepper . Put rice on to cook . I use jasmine rice and toss in a couple of spoonfuls ofvirgin coconut oil for flavor , but any rice will do . Mix together in a saucepan : 1 can of coconut milk1 / 2 cup peanut butter1 / 2 cup vinegar1 / 2 cup soy sauce or Bragg 's liquid aminos1 / 4 cup brown sugar1 / 2 - 1 t ginger1 / 8 t red pepper if desired ( couple cloves garlic if desired if you aren 't Lisa LOL ) Heat until mixed and bubbly and then add chicken . While sauce heats , chop some green onions and cucumber . These are best ice cold . To serve , scoop rice onto each plate and top with chicken and sauce . Top liberally with onions , cucumbers , and lots of salted cocktail peanuts . If we serve this for the family , I put each component on the table individuallyand don 't add the chicken to the sauce . Some children like it the way Idescribed while others prefer their own combo or prefer to have the plainchicken , the rice with some butter and salt , and the cucumbers and peanuts intheir own piles . Can 't have our food touching LOL . This is very versatile . You can double it or triple it . You can go light orheavy on the meat . You can freeze the sauce with or without the chicken . Iusually make a big double batch , serve it just for Jeff and I for date night andfreeze two more dinner 's worth . That gives me two date nights where all I haveto do is cook rice and chop cukes and green onions . : - ) I really liked this ! It was different than what I normally serve but everyone enjoyed having something new . I can 't wait to serve this to my dh tonight ! Blessings , Lisa Photos from Sunday and today . . . Sophia 12 weeks old ! Allison ready to be confirmed Allison getting tired of Jon taking 3 million pictures of her . lolJon took all confirmation pictures for us . He did a great job and was very enthusiastic . LOL I can 't post most because of Allison 's full name and the full name of all the confirmands are on each banner . These were good ones though . Blessings , Lisa My Menu for this week . . . Breakfastbanana - nut pancakes , baconham and egg biscuits , fruitbagels and cream cheese , smoothiesmuffins , fruit ( leftover from Sunday ; blueberry , banana - nut , and oatmeal - brown sugar ) peanut butter pancakes w / heated jam on top , baconLunchTurkey and cheddar sandwich loaf , veggies and diptuna salad sandwiches , chips and fruitfish sticks , fries , and veggiesham or turkey sandwiches , Sunchips , saladleftoversDinnerGrilled salmon , rice , saladBBQ chicken , baked potatoes , grilled asparagusSteak fajitas , black beans and rice , toppingsHamburgers , potato wedges , saladKate 's Peanut Chicken ( from SHS ) , coconut rice , steamed broccoliI 'm feeling more rested today and I 'm happy to be getting back to schedule . Today is ironing and baking . I 'll have Jon bake some more granola and bars and Allison can do the ironing while I go shopping . I 'll take Evie and Isaac and go when Sophia is sleeping . Hopefully , we 'll all get done at the same time and the kids will get to go swimming . Jon 's been digging the garden and I got my seeds from Territorial Seed Company last night . I 'm looking forward to some homegrown veggies ! My parents will be taking the three oldest kids to my sister 's house this weekend . It 's my nephew 's birthday and they will have lots of fun . I wish I could go but I 'm just not ready for a 12 hour drive with Sophia . Maybe in a few more months . I 'll be spending some time getting the kids ready to go by Friday and my parents will be taking our van so that 'll need to be cleaned out . Have a great day ! Lisa Here 's my messy home after the weekend with these two little ones actually working together to put this Lauri Puzzle together . . . It goes here , Isaac . This is how it 's done . . . See how it all fits ? This weekend was hectic . O . k . just Sunday , Saturday was nice . LOL Saturday , my parents took everyone , except Sophia , off to play . Isaac and Genevieve went with Mom , and Allison and Jon went with Dad . They all had a great time . Eric and I couldn 't believe how nice it was to have a day off ! Sophia wasn 't used to the quiet and basically slept the whole day . LOL Now I know how good of a baby she 'd be if she were an only child . LOL We pretty much waited all day for her to wake so we could run some errands . I was able to get some wash done and all the muffins made for Allison 's confirmation day while we waited . LOL Finally , she woke and my Mom showed up 2 minutes later . LOL Sunday started at 5 : 00am . Need I say more ? LOL I thought that since I was up so early that I 'd be able to get everyone out the door on time , maybe even early , for church . It was important for us to get there early since we had a banner for the confirmation ceremony . LOL Well , things didn 't go as planned and we ended up getting there right as the service was starting . I had Eric leave me and the littles in the car while he rushed the banner inside . Since Sophia was up so early , she was not a happy camper during the service . I ended up out in the hallway most of the time . I did go in just as Allison was being confirmed but then Sophia filled her diaper and I had to make a hasty exit . LOL The brunch afterwards was nice , to tell the truth , I was exhausted by then and really wanted to go home . lol It ended when Isaac tried to choke on creamcheese ( what is with that boy and creamcheese ? ! ? ) and then tried to throw it back up in the buffet line . lolol That 's when I said , for my sanity we needed to go home . LOL I 'll post some pictures tomorrow . ( only good ones . lol ) I 'm late posting my menu for this week . Be assured , we are eating . lol I 'm just tired . I ordered some more things forPosted by I 'm going to answer some of the menu questions here . LOLKathy , My kids all love the homemade breakfasts . My older kids grew up on cereal and do not see it as a treat . Evie does horrible on cereal , she can 't focus and bounces off the walls all day if she starts her day with it and Isaac doesn 't like it . Morning here starts at 6 : 00am . Eric wakes the older kids and Sophia wakes me . LOL The older kids grab something from the freezer and sometimes a smoothie , Eric eats peanutbutter toast and a smoothie and then Eric goes to work and the kids go upstairs to " school " . Sophia usually stays up until 7 and I entertain her and sometimes grab a piece of toast to tide me over . After she goes to sleep , I go into SUPER - OVERDRIVE ! ! ! LOL Evie always gets up by 7 and either helps me with breakfast or watches cartoons . If Sophia is sleeping hard , then I fix a big breakfast . Yesterday was peanutbutter - chocolate chip pancakes , smoothies , and bacon . I fix double what the kids can eat , freeze half and feed the other half to the kids . I also cook all bacon and freeze the leftovers . Today was a quick day , since Sophia only slept an hour , so I fixed a couple of eggs , leftover bacon , and some cut up strawberries . I keep the extra eggs on the warmer on my stovetop and keep refilling their plates until they can 't eat anymore . LOL I 've found that if I keep filling the littles plates until they are full , they won 't need a snack before lunch time . I usually take some fresh breakfast up to the working kids on days when I have time but they don 't get snacks unless I do that . Yesterday , they got pancakes , today , nothing . LOLProduce is HUGE around here . I don 't know how to reduce that cost , although , we planted blueberry bushes in our backyard and we have two orange trees that produced maybe 4 oranges this past January . LOL I am starting a garden with Jon and will hopefully be able to reduce our bill by freezing the extras . Also , I 'm planting strawberries and watermelon because we eat a lot of those over the summer and they 're expensive . The older kids finPosted by An Update , a Funny , and two Praises . . . Isaac 's surgery went great ! They gave him anti - nausea meds and motrin / tylenol combo and is quite comfy . He woke up this morning like any other day and didn 't even need any other meds . What a blessing ! Thank you all for praying ! Now for the funny part . While I was getting Sophia down for her morning nap , Isaac snuck into the kitchen , past the open gate and ate a whole container of cream cheese . I KNEW he was too quiet . He also moved the bread around the kitchen and used the icecream scoop to eat the cheese . LOLThe Blessings : Sophia slept through the night again last night ! I still can 't believe that she can do that . NONE of my other bfed children slept more than 3 - 4 hours until after their first birthdays . LOL I feel guilty getting that much sleep . Eric bought me a new cover for the patio ! This means that Isaac will be able to go outside and play . This is soooo wonderful . He is such an out - doorsy kind of guy . Nothing else going on right now . The kids are doing quite well in their school work , the new schedule is great , and I 've been working with both littles during Sophia 's naptime . I 've even been able to get the chores done ! LOLI joined www . paperbackswap . com and am having fun getting rid of the books we don 't want and getting some books we do need and even some just to enjoy . LOL It 's also been good for Jon , he 's been taking the books to the post office everyday . He said that the lady at the post office told him she 'd see him tomorrow when he left yesterday . LOLBlessings , Lisa A Praise and A Prayer . . . What a blessing ! Sophia slept through the night last night ! She 's only 11 weeks old and she slept 8 hours . I didn 't even know that was possible . LOLEvie and Sophia 5 - 14 - 07 The prayer is ; Isaac is having his surgery right now and last time he had a hard time with his tummy and with pain . Please pray that he is well managed today at the hospital and that he doesn 't have any problems . Thank you all for your prayers ! Blessings , Lisa My Menu for this week . . . BreakfastEggs , bacon , and hashbrownsSmoothies and granola barsBrown sugar - oatmeal muffins , fruitBagels and Creamcheese , fruitPancakes and sausageBiscuits , fruit , yogurtChocolate chip - peanut butter pancakes , fruit * I have eliminated all cereal from our menu ! ! ! I have been buying Cheerios as a back - up but am finally free from the expensive and non - FG approved cereal . I 've been freezing a lot of extras and get those out when I can 't fix something from scratch . LunchPBJchicken saladsandwichesmac and cheese - bakedleftoverssandwich loafDinnerChicken quesadillas , veggie trayLondon broil , steamed veggies , rollsPork roast , potatoes , carrots , saladGrilled Chicken , rice , saladSteak , baked potatoes , saladBBQ Chicken , noodles , asparagusIt was a very busy weekend ! First , we had a BBQ with my old friends , Teresa and Allison , from middle school . It was a lot of fun catching up with them and the kids really seemed to get along well . We found each other all because my dh won an award at work . LOL The company he works for took his picture and then showed it on all the monitors at his work place and Teresa saw him . LOL She emailed him and he gave my email to her . As we were talking she said that she might have Allison 's email and sure enough , she did ! It was so nice to see them again ! What memories ! Allison remembered my love for hats and I remembered how we met . Teresa remembered how I always tried to stick my legs behind my head and I remembered that Allison could actually DO it . LOL My oldest is named after Allison and it was fun to see them meet each other . Everytime I 'd call my dd , both would answer . LOL It was a pretty fun day ! I already talked about Sunday so I 'll just move on to today . . . Today has been a cleaning day . I actually enjoy cleaning . LOL I never used to but I 've grown to love it this past year . I 've got the wash done , the house straightened , worked on my bedroom , cleaned the kids bathroom , dishes , and my ds vacuumed while Allison cleaned the great room . Genevieve cleaned her side of the bedroom and Posted by My children are such a blessing to me ! It is my honor to grow , teach , listen , help , give , nuture , admonish , protect , love , and care for these blessings that God has given to me . For me , everyday is Mother 's Day ! I pray for each of us today as we spend time and enjoy the blessings that God has given us . Sophia MarieMe and SophiaIt was such a blessing for us to have Sophia Marie baptised at church today . Allison and Jonathan accepted the responsibility of being her Godparents and we are so proud of them . May they all grow in faith and serve the Lord ! Happy Mother 's Day ! Blessings , Lisa Here are the Lauri Puzzles that I got and Evie putting one together . You can make them easier by putting cardboard drawings under the puzzle and leaving the outline on the tray . If they are older or more experienced , you can remove the drawing . I wish I had bought some that were easier . Isaac gets quite frustrated but it is just right for Evie . I love how colorful they are ! I highly recommend these for the 4 - 6 year old set . Blessings , Lisa We got a shipment from Timberdoodle yesterday and there are some happy kids in the house . LOL I opened the Lauri puzzles first and Genevieve sat and put them together for over an hour . This is a miracle . LOL Isaac was frustrated by the puzzles but then I opened up his new favorite game , Rush Hour . He LOVES the cars and the little grid to put them on . All of the older kids loved that game and play it whenever Isaac will let them . LOLToday , I opened up a new game for Evie , Mighty Minds . Here she is playing with it . . . She made it all the way up to card # 13 today . Isaac stuck with Rush Hour . Tomorrow I 'll open up the Never Bored Books and another little game I bought . I love to see them engaged and learning . LOLBlessings , Lisa Myths of Florida . . . Dorothy from England asked us to dispel the myths of our various locations on the SHS board . Well , here is one . . . It 's always sunny in Florida Because of the enormous amounts of rainfall here , I find it quite amusing that the state motto is " The Sunshine State . " In fact , we have a Tropical Storm off our coast as I write this . LOLNow for a truly horrific sight . Look away if you don 't have a strong stomach . LOLEveryone in Florida has a golden brown tanIf I were any whiter , I 'd fade into the wall color . Yes , I do spend time outside . No , it doesn 't help . Especially when it 's raining . lololBlessings , Lisa Evie showing you what the grass skirt is really forDay three of our school and things are going well . The kids are getting their work done and I 'm hanging in there with all three littles in the morning . It 's a little touch and go during the breakfast hour but then things settle down . We are gearing up for swimsuit season and my mom picked out this cute little outfit for Evie to wear . I think it 's very nice on her when she wears it correctly . lolYesterday , my mom took Jon and Evie out to lunch and then shopping . Jon is now wearing a mens 32W / 30L in pants . I can 't believe how big he is ! Eric was a 34W / 32L when I met him all those years ago . LOL My mom is going to take Allison and Jon for bathing suits sometime this week , hopefully tomorrow . In a strange twist of events , I am hosting a BBQ for my best friends from MIDDLE SCHOOL this weekend . I am so excited to see them again ! It should be a lot of fun to catch up . All combined , we have 11 kids ! Pretty neat ! The smoke is bad again . We had a few good days , where I was thinking things would be better and then this morning it was foggy again . I can only pray for it to let up soon . The patio cover is broken . I was hoping it was just a little bent but sure enough , the metal was snapped . I 'm not going to sad about it . We will just need to save up for another . bummer . I baked bread yesterday morning , it was good ! I tried a new recipe and it was perfect for hamburger buns . We had hamburgers last night for dinner and it worked out . Sophia has been up most of the day today so I 've not been able to do much but maybe she 'll sleep some this afternoon . I did get the laundry done . I 've been doing some each day in the morning . Well , lunch calls ! Blessings , Lisa I forgot to mention my dishwasher . LOL I waited all day Friday for the repair man and he never showed . I 'm pretty used to this from Miami where if they say they 'll be out on Friday , it really means sometime within a week from Friday . LOL Saturday we called Lowes again to remind them of the " Friday " appointment and found that yes , they were planning on Friday but got behind and would be out on Saturday . Sometime . . . . lol Finally , around 4 the guy showed up . He was extremely nice , very overworked and was able to fix the dishwasher very quickly . Somehow a little piece of plastic from one of the racks broke off and got lodged in the motor or something like that . lol He is ordering a whole new part and will bring it by sometime this week . Otherwise , the machine is working again ! Hurray ! ! ! Yesterday , after church , Eric and Jon took the littles swimming in our pool . They were out there all day and had such a great time . I 'm so glad that they swam yesterday because it 's COLD today ! I was a little surprised when I went outside this morning . lol Last night we finally got some rain but we also got some really high winds . The cover for our patio blew away into the yard and I 'm afraid it may be broken . I sure hope not ! Without it , the littles won 't be able to play in the extreme heat that we get most of the summer . I 'll have the older kids assess the damage when they 're done with school today . That cover is so important . I know that it doesn 't seem like it should be , but with Isaac 's surgeries every two months , he wouldn 't be able to go outside without it . I would love to have a covered patio someday . Today is going great so far ! The kids were woken up at 6 this morning and have been diligently working since 6 : 30 . They should be done by 11 : 30 . I got up with the baby at 7 : 30 this morning and Evie got up 15 minutes later . I 've found that Sophia likes to eat , spend just a few minutes playing , especially with Evie , and then likes to take her morning nap . She was asleep in the swing by 8 . Then I fixed the littles apple - cinnamon pancakes fPosted by My Menu for this week . . . BreakfastEggs and baconPancakesWafflesSmoothie and granola barsBagels and creamcheeseLunchLunchmeat x 2Chicken Quesadillas , nachos and salsaGrilled chicken salad and bread sticksMac and cheeseDinnerFried Chicken , mashed taters , saladLondon broil , rice , saladSpaghetti , garlic bread and saladPorkloin , rice , saladHamburgers , fries , beans , and saladShrimp pasta , saladLeftoversI 'm trying something new this week . I spent yesterday looking through all my menus and figuring out how much of each kind of meat we ate for each month . Then I averaged it out and am going to buy all my meats for a month at a time , focusing on what 's on sale . Then I 'm planning out each weeks menu based on what I 'll have in the freezer . I 'm hoping it 'll save me money in the long run . Last week , whole chickens were on sale . 79 a pound and I bought 6 . Well , I found out that I only use whole chickens , on average , 2x a month so now I have enough for 3 months . This week , bags of frozen boneless chicken is on sale at Foodlion 4 bags for $ 20 . 00 ( that 's 10 # of chicken ) . I found that we usually use 4 bags in a month , so I 'll buy those this week . We officially start our school back full time tomorrow . We 've got all our curriculum now and I 'm really looking forward to it . I 'll be getting the kids schedules ready today and the kids are setting up two desks in Jon 's room for their quiet work . I 'm also going to be doing some freezer cooking today after the grocery store in hopes that I 'll have some ready made meals for breakfast and dinner while the kids are working . Sophia has been starting on a loose schedule for the past week and is getting somewhat predictable . It 's not going to be easy but I should live through the week . LOLJon is going to start a garden this week . I think it 's a perfect accompaniment to his culinary arts program . He 's going to do all the work , although Evie wants a small plot for herself . lol I 'm hoping that will also reduce our grocery bill . I 'd like a salad garden and maybe a few things to freeze , like peas , beans , Posted by Yesterday was one of ' those ' days . It started out pretty good . I was being extremely proactive . lol First I made everyone breakfast , then loaded the dishwasher for it 's first run of the day . After that I decided I 'd better get my crockpot meal started so that I wouldn 't forget later in the day . I browned the porkchops and got everything in the crock . The day was looking to be a good one . After the littles ate , I promptly put them in the tub . I 've been bathing them in the day lately so that we have less to do at night when I 'm pretty tired . I was able to collect all the laundry and get that started while the littles played in the tub . I got them out , then decided to check the porkchops . Normally , I don 't even mess with a crockpot meal once it 's in the crock but this was a new recipe and I wanted to smell the sauce to see if the littles would eat it . The crock was cold . LOL I guess it works better when you plug it in . Well , it had only been about 1 / 2 hour so I plug it in and am thankful that I caught it . A few minutes later , I hear this horrible noise coming from my kitchen . It sounds like my washing machine but as I run towards it , I realize it 's my dishwasher ! ! ! Now you all know I just replaced the last appliance in my kitchen . The dishwasher was the first thing we had to replace when we moved in last year . Here it is , grinding and shaking and hissing . . . . ugh ! I turn it off and call dh . I start a frantic search for the receipt and service contract . It takes me hours to find it . My dh says he hasn 't seen it , that I had it and I remind him that no , he had it last . lol Finally , I decide to " be the dh , who really didn 't want to mess with it and so I would sit it where ever so I don 't have to . " It works . lolol It was in his old briefcase . I call Lowes and they say the earliest they can come out is on the 10th . He must have heard the desperation in my voice when I asked if there was anyway they could come out sooner . LOL He searches around and is able to find someone who says they can come out tomorrow , which is today ! I 'm sPosted by Am I in London ? Oooh , spooky . . . Out front . . . Now I 'm sure you are all thinking , it 's fog , so what ? LOL This isn 't fog , it 's SMOKE ! ! ! We have fires below us and fires above us . This is the worst it 's been so far . Prayers for my asthma would be appreciated . lol Blessings , Lisa Yvonne asked me this question so I thought I 'd just answer in a post . Hi Lisa , I saw that you are using Movies as Literature . I 'm so excited about using it myself ! Have you made any other curriculum changes ? I 'm curious ! ~ YvonneYes , I 've been overhauling our whole year , subject by subject . See , I found I liked the literature approach but the kids were dragging their heels . Yes , they liked the books but found it to be just too much . So here 's what I 've come up with so far . . . Movies as Literature http : / / www . designastudy . com / products / 1891975099 . htmlMy dd loves movies . Not only loves them , she 's one of those people who likes to buy and watch some movies over and over and over and well , over again . lol I want her to be discerning while watching these movies and this is a skill that will come in handy as she goes through life . Math U SeeWe 've now officially tried just about every single math curriculum out there . LOL Something that never occurred to me , is that Allison is especially VISUAL . So MUS is finally doing what no other curriculum has ever done , it 's teaching her math . I think Jon could take it or leave it but for Allison , it 's been wonderful . Ancient Civilizations and the Bible by http : / / www . dianawaring . com / Ancient - Civs - Student - Guide . html This has the whole first unit online , just click the PDF file . Now this is a real find ! I love the way this curriculum is put together . After looking through it , I felt that it would be able to touch on both of my kids learning styles without letting us get bogged down . It 's user friendly , has the reading that I like , an auditory segment , and hands on projects to do . I like how the kids can focus on different topics within the subject , like art for Allison and science for Jon but we 're all still on the same page . We 're still learning about the same time period . Plus , the customer service is great ! I made a mistake and Mr . Waring actually called and emailed me to find out if I really wanted two copies of the same cd . LOL Pretty cool . The other subjects we 've got lined up are Drivers EdPosted by I 've been watching the show How Clean is Your House on the BBC channel lately and I love the different homemade cleaning mixtures that they come up with . So far , we 've tried the grout cleaner made from salt , vinegar , and dishsoap . It worked pretty good . And we 've tried dark soda in the toilet as a cleaner . It really didn 't do much but it could be I didn 't let it sit long enough but really , you have to be able to use the potty at some point . LOL I love the idea of homemade cleaners that are nontoxic . We have so many little ones , I hate having poison in my home . Of course , I like a clean home also , so it has to work . All this watching has spurred me on in my own cleaning . I super cleaned my bathroom on Monday and scrubbed all the hard floors in the house . We had blueberry , plain , and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and I put the extras in the freezer for another day . I put a roast in the crockpot for lunch the next day and I made the Beef Tenderloin for dinner that night . I also did laundry and was able to get that all caught up . I did a quick clean , straighten , and vaccum of all the other rooms and I even had enough energy to go for a walk that night . Yesterday started off a little slow . Sophia was up a lot that night . I made granola bars for breakfast and those who wanted smoothies made them themselves . I decided to make the sandwich loaf for lunch and invited my mom over to visit . The little ones had a great time helping with the breadmaking . I made a roast beef , muenster , parmesian cheese loaf and it was really good ! Everyone , except the littles , enjoyed it . They wouldn 't even try it . lol After lunch , my mom took Evie to her house for a few hours . Evie had cut her hair again and it really needed to be evened up a little . She is now sporting a short summer cut . lol By dinner time , I was tired so we had a fend for yourself night . There was plenty to choose from . Today , I was awake by 6am and I 've been keeping fairly busy . I had a loaf of buttercrust bread that no one really cared for , so I made it into bread puddPosted by This is a blog . Only a blog . It is for the benefit of those who feel like reading . I might have advice or a recipe to share , or I may just feel like rambling . It 's like potluck or a mosh pit . Whichever makes you feel better . : )
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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On April 14 , 1865 , Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford 's Theatre in Washington , D . C . Over the next twelve days , as a fractured nation mourned , the largest manhunt ever attempted closed in on his assassin , the renowned 26 - year - old actor John Wilkes Booth . The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln recounts this great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Featuring Will Patton ( Numb3rs , A Mighty Heart ) as the voice of the assassin and narrated by Academy Award - winning actor Chris Cooper ( Seabiscuit , Adaptation ) , the film includes interviews with the nation 's foremost Lincoln scholars , who recount a great American drama : two tumultuous months when the joy of peace was shattered by the heartache of Lincoln 's death . Courtesy of the National Park Service , Ford 's Theatre National Historic Site Collection of Edward Steers , Jr . Terry Alford Collection E . H . Swaim Collection , Georgetown University Library Harlan Crow Library Western Reserve Historical Society Harford County Historical Society Indiana Historical Society Historical Society of Washington , D . C . Courtesy of State Archives of Florida Narrator : In the early morning of April 21 , 1865 , a train draped with black bunting slowly departed Washington . In the second - to - last car rode the body of the America 's first assassinated President : Abraham Lincoln . Over the next 12 days , the funeral train would wend its way across the country . Millions paused to stand by railroad sidings , or file past his open casket to glimpse the martyred president 's face . Harold Holzer , writer : You could not write this from scratch . You could not invent this and make it believable , the life and the death . He 's an authentic hero who is bigger than life , bigger than war , and almost bigger than America by the time he died . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Our cause being almost lost , something decisive and great must be done . A country groaned beneath this tyranny , and prayed for this end , and yet now behold the cold hands they extend to me . God cannot pardon me if I have done wrong . Yet I cannot see any wrong . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's often said that Booth killed Lincoln because he was a failed actor , because he went mad . John Wilkes Booth shared political views that were identical to the views held by millions of southerners , hundreds of thousands and likely millions of northerners . John Wilkes Booth was not insane , he was not mad , unless you think the country was mad . Narrator : " The Great struggle is over , " editorialized the New York Times . " The history of blood is brought to a close . The last shot has been fired . The last man , we trust , has been slain … " That night , John Wilkes Booth walked among the revelers in a haze of resentment and alcohol . James L . Swanson , writer : He heard the taunts against General Lee and the Confederate army . He saw the Union soldiers in their uniforms marching up and down the streets , celebrating . It was the most beautiful , joyful night in American history since we had won the Revolutionary War . And John Wilkes Booth had to witness it all . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : " Everything was bright and splendid . More so in my eyes if it had been a display in a nobler cause . But so goes the world . Might makes right . " James L . Swanson , writer : When he went to bed that night , he was a man with little hope . He was a man without prospects . He was a man who felt his world and everything he held dear had been crushed and humiliated . James L . Swanson , writer : He really grew up in a country style , horseback riding . He spent a lot of time outdoors . He had a very idyllic , free childhood James L . Swanson , writer : Booth was terrible when he began . He didn 't know how to perform ; he would mess up his lines . But he developed special skills that his father didn 't have and his brother Edwin didn 't have . Terry Alford , historian : When you went to see John Wilkes Booth you knew you would get your money 's worth . You were going to get some very exciting stage action . He electrified you with his movements . A tremendous swordsman . Narrator : Just as Booth reached stardom , however , the country itself was losing interest in idle pursuits like the theater . A much more vivid drama was turning North against South , and brother against brother . The Booths were no exception . James L . Swanson , writer : Edwin really became a man of the North . He became a star in the North . And his political consciousness developed along those lines . John Wilkes spent most of his time in the South . That 's where he received his great acclaim , that 's where he felt best loved . And over time he naturally adopted the Southern point of view . Narrator : " We are of the North ! " Booth 's sister Asia once insisted . " Not I , " he replied . " So help me God , my soul , life and possessions are for the South . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He viewed the South as the ideal type of society . Unlike the North , which he considered rough , mongrel , the South was pure . He did not view slavery as an evil . Slavery was God 's blessing to the African - American , it brought him to Christianity , it brought him to higher civilization . It was the abolitionists in the North that were splitting this country apart and he hated abolitionists , he hated the anti - slavery movement . Terry Alford , historian : One of the interesting features of John Wilkes Booth is his fascination with romantic characters , with heroic characters in particular . People who defined the age , people whose acts made everyone stand up and pay attention to what he was doing . He loved characters in the heroic mold . Narrator : In November , 1860 , a little - known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln was elected President . The victory of an anti - slavery Republican provoked seven states to secede from the Union , and enraged millions of Southern sympathizers , including John Wilkes Booth . " We used to laugh at his patriotic froth whenever secession was discussed , " Edwin Booth remembered . " That he was insane on that one point , no one who knew him can well doubt . " Terry Alford , historian : Shortly after Lincoln 's election , Booth wrote a speech . He apparently wrote this to deliver to an audience . It doesn 't appear that he ever had an opportunity . But it is a great window into Booth 's mind . And it shows us that Booth is terrifically disturbed by the division of the country . That he blames the abolitionists entirely and essentially he sees what 's happening as a giant John Brown raid on the South . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : You all feel the fire now raging in the nation 's heart . It is a fire lighted and fanned by Northern fanaticism , a fire which naught but blood can extinguish . The South wants justice , has waited for it long , she will wait no longer . Narrator : " This war is eating my life out , " President Abraham Lincoln once said . " I have a strong impression that I shall not live to see its end . " The small skirmish that Lincoln thought would be quickly over had , by 1862 , turned into a bloody stalemate with no end in sight . Lincoln haunted the War Department , where reports of casualties preyed on his mind . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : This is not an abstract conflict . The important battlefields could be heard , or could be gone to very quickly . The casualties stumbled into the capitol . Lincoln was someone who felt death and disappointment and difficulty extremely clearly . It was always with him : the sheer physical grueling horror of it . Narrator : In February , 1862 , death reached out and touched Lincoln 's own family . His beloved 12 year - old son Willie fell sick with typhoid , contracted from drinking tainted water . After a weeklong illness , Willie died . Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He was constantly wondering , why is this happening ? What was God 's purpose in this death ? Why would he be so afflicting ? Not only to the nation but Lincoln personally . It calls to mind the Biblical story that Lincoln was seen reading in the White House , which was the Book of Job . This man who just has everything taken from him . Job collapses , as Lincoln collapses . But that 's not the end of the story . The collapse is on its way towards some new understanding of the nature of reality and the moral universe . Narrator : Out of suffering , Lincoln resolved must come " a new birth of freedom . " If so many had to lose their lives , it must be so that many more could gain their freedom . In January , 1863 Lincoln issued an order freeing the slaves in the rebellious Confederate states . His Emancipation Proclamation transformed the meaning of the war . James M . McPherson , historian : There was no more talk of conciliation , no talk of compromise through some kind of political process . This is an outcome that can only be " tried by war and decided by victory . Tried by war , decided by victory . " Those six words put it , said it all . Narrator : The trial of war would last far longer than Abraham Lincoln ever imagined . With Southern victories at Manassas , Fredericksburg and Chancellorsville , public opinion in the North began to falter . In the summer of 1863 , draft riots broke out in several Northern cities . Newspapers denounced Lincoln with what one friend called a " frantic malignancy . " Soon sentiment was so strongly against him that Lincoln was certain he would lose his bid for reelection . " The people are impatient , " he said . " The bottom is out of the tub . " Narrator : Salvation for Lincoln came in the form of a battlefield victory . On August 31st , General William Tecumseh Sherman broke through the Confederate defenses around Atlanta . He sent a short telegram to President Lincoln : " Atlanta is ours and fairly won . " James L . Swanson , writer : Something turned in Booth when Abraham Lincoln was reelected . He realized Lincoln was in there for good , to prosecute the war to the end . He knew Lincoln was not going to settle with the South and that many more would die , that Lincoln was going to serve another four years in the White House . Narrator : By 1864 , John Wilkes Booth was only 25 years old , yet he had already begun losing interest in his acting career . " I hardly know what to make of you , " his agent wrote him . " Have you lost all your ambition ? " Narrator : To Booth , the war had rendered his life marginal and irrelevant . " What are actors ? " he wrote . " They know little , think less , and understand next to nothing . " Booth 's dreams of glory beyond the stage were quickly passing him by . He had nothing to show for the war , but the scars of a few overzealous stage duels . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Because of the war , Lincoln had to institute a whole series of acts that were viewed as very anti - democratic . Suspension of the writ of habeas corpus for instance , shutting down newspapers , censoring people 's speeches . All of these things were an anathema to John Wilkes Booth and he viewed himself in the end I think as someone that literally god had put here to correct the tyranny of Abraham Lincoln . Terry Alford , historian : Early on , Booth seems to have developed this passionate hatred for tyranny . It 's curious where that came from . If we remember that his father 's middle name was Brutus , that may tell us a good bit . Brutus of course was the character who assassinated Caesar and if you look both in the play of Shakespeare and in the writings of the historians of ancient Rome , Brutus was a character as noble as Caesar , as distinguished as Caesar , as well - regarded as Caesar and whose patriotism and decency were unquestioned . James L . Swanson , writer : John Wilkes Booth felt he had to justify why he wasn 't a soldier on the front lines . Why didn 't he volunteer ? Why wasn 't he fighting ? Booth thought his resources , his talent and skill could be put to better use . Narrator : Booth began taking on small assignments for the Confederate Underground , a loose network of Southern spies living north of the Mason Dixon Line . It was here , in the ferment of the Underground , that Booth settled on a bold plan . He would kidnap the President of the United States , convey him south to the Confederate capitol in Richmond , and ransom him for thousands of Confederate prisoners . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The idea of capturing or kidnapping a United States president may seem preposterous on the surface , but at the time it was quite feasible . Lincoln was unprotected . He moved about frequently on his own . And he traveled as much as three miles to his summer residence at Soldiers Home , often unattended , by himself . James L . Swanson , writer : His most valuable conspirator was John Surratt . College educated , Confederate courier , known in Richmond . He helped Booth interact with other Confederate agents . Without John Surratt , Booth couldn 't have organized the conspiracy . Narrator : Surratt introduced Booth to twenty nine yr - old George Atzerodt , a German - born carriage painter and boatman . During the war , Atzerodt secretly ferried Confederate agents across the waterways of Southern Maryland . Surratt also introduced Booth to David Herold , 22 , an impressionable and dull - witted pharmacy clerk , who knew the back roads that would serve as the conspirators ' escape route . Lewis Powell , tall and powerful , was a former Confederate prisoner of war who would provide the muscle for the kidnapping conspiracy . Rounding out the group were two of Booth 's childhood friends , Samuel Arnold and Mike O ' Laughlen - both ex - soldiers in the Confederate Army . The group had little in common other than a strong attraction to the charismatic actor who would be their leader . Narrator : On March 4th , 1865 , more than 50 , 000 people gathered under rainy skies to witness Abraham Lincoln 's Second Inauguration . After four harrowing years , the end of the war was at last in sight . Lincoln stood to address the crowd , just as a brilliant ray of light pierced the clouds overhead . " Let us strive on to finish the work we are in , " Lincoln implored , " to bind up the nation 's wounds ; to care for him who shall have borne the battle , and for his widow , and his orphan ; to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace " . David Blight , historian : There 's not even a moment of bitterness . There 's not even the slightest declaration of what will be done with Confederate leadership . It is remarkable that in a moment like that , in this country that has all but won a victory in an all - out , terrible , total civil war , and he doesn 't even spend one sentence to declare the righteousness of victory and the evil of Confederate defeat . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : What he does is to suggest that the sin of slavery was shared by both sides . His way of reaching out to the south : " Both sides read the same bible , both prayed to the same God , neithers prayers were fully answered . " And then of course the words we remember : " with malice toward none , with charity for all , let us bind up the nation 's wounds . " Narrator : Standing on the steps of the Capitol that day , only yards from the President , John Wilkes Booth seethed with hatred . For Booth , the prospect of another Lincoln term held not consolation , but the sting of bitterness and defeat . " What a splendid chance I had , " he 'd later confided , " to kill the President where he stood . " Two weeks later , Booth and his co - conspirators met in the private dining room of a Washington restaurant . Over oysters and champagne , Booth laid out his kidnapping plan . James L . Swanson , writer : When Booth started to reveal the details , they thought he was a madman . We 're going to kidnap Abraham Lincoln ; we 're going to get him at Ford 's Theatre . He said , one of you will turn down the gaslights at the signal and the theater will be plunged into darkness . Lewis Powell will get into the president 's box . He 'll be the one who 's going to subdue Lincoln , tie him up and then lower him to the stage with a long rope while the theater is plunged into darkness . Gene Smith , writer : He says , " Johnny , all this is going to be done in front of an audience that will include several hundred soldiers of the Union Army ? " And having gotten him out the back , if the soldiers don 't intercede , nobody is going to give the alarm throughout Washington , which is crawling with Yankee soldiers , cavalry patrols , and police ? " He said , " it is madness beyond measure . " Narrator : On April 3 , the Confederate Capitol of Richmond , finally fell to Union forces . The President himself toured the smoldering ruins , as newly freed slaves rushed to embrace him . Six days later , Confederate Gen . Robert E . Lee surrendered at the small town of Appomattox Courthouse . After four bloody years , the war was over . The Confederacy in ruins and his kidnapping plot in tatters , Booth sank into disappointment and bitterness . James L . Swanson , writer : By April , 1865 , Booth was certainly disillusioned . Think of what he had to endure from his point of view : a few months before , the reelection of the great tyrant . His failure to kidnap the president shamed him . What was his future in the defeated , crushed South ? Joshua Wolf Shenk , writer : He seemed relieved . His face looked different . He had color ; he had life in a way that he hadn 't all through the war . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He invited Mary to a carriage ride that afternoon , just the two of them together . They talked about what it might be like in Springfield , when they went home again to the place where they had begun , and he said to her , ' Mary , we 've got to try to be happy now , our future is ahead of us ' . And then that night they go to the theater . James L . Swanson , writer : And then somebody at Fords Theatre said , ' President Lincoln is coming tonight ' . That was the moment . He 's sitting on the front step of Ford 's Theatre and someone tells him , he 's coming here tonight . James L . Swanson , writer : He checked on his horse . He made sure his derringer pistol was ready . He thought about what he had to take on the road during his escape . Narrator : That afternoon , Booth returned to Ford 's theater . He went to the President 's box and , in a small antechamber , he carved a small mortise in which to brace a stick of wood . The other end would bar the door from the inside . An hour later , Booth convened what remained of his accomplices at a restaurant nearby . He informed them of a startling change of plans . James L . Swanson , writer : Tonight , in about two hours I am going to kill Abraham Lincoln . You Lewis Powell will murder the secretary of state , William Seward . George Atzerodt , your job is to murder the vice president , Andrew Johnson . Booth of course reserved the greatest act for himself . He would perform the Lincoln assassination solo . James L . Swanson , writer : Now he 's one door away from Abraham Lincoln . He can hear the sound of the play , the actors speaking . It 's dark in there . He walks up to the door and he looks through a peephole . Narrator : Landing awkwardly on the stage below , Booth broke his left ankle . Audience members later would disagree about what he shouted next . Many heard : " Sic Semper Tyrannis , " ' Thus Always To Tyrants . ' Others : " the South is avenged . " Allen C . Guelzo , historian : People look at each other for a moment : is this part of the play ? What is all this about ? " This lasts for a second , two seconds , three seconds ; that 's when the shouts go up : " The president has been shot ! " " Somebody stop that man ! " People scramble up on the stage apron but Booth has already bolted past the scenery , past the curtains , out the back entrance . He 's on a horse ; he gallops away into the dark of Washington . Narrator : As Booth made his escape , his co - conspirators were not faring as well . Around 10 : 15 , Lewis Powell knocked on the door of Secretary of State William Seward 's mansion . After forcing his way up the stairs , he entered Seward 's bedroom , where the Secretary was recovering from a broken jaw suffered during a carriage accident . Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : He has a huge Bowie knife , comes to Seward 's bedside , slashes his face with such force that his cheek is torn off . He loses so much blood that it is astonishing that he didn 't die right then . He is scarred for life ; however , because of the way the jaw was wired , because of the carriage accident , he missed the jugular vein . Narrator : As the alarm was raised , one of Seward 's sons along with a nurse rushed the would - be assassin . Powell dropped his knife and escaped down the stairs and out the door . At the same time , George Atzerodt , approached his quarry : Vice President of the United States Andrew Johnson . But as he neared Johnson 's residence , he lost his nerve . James L . Swanson , writer : He cuts open Lincoln 's shirt . He can 't find the wound . There was no blood on him at all . He just won 't wake up . So now the question is where shall the president of the United States die ? It can 't be on the floor of a theater box . Narrator : By now , the attending doctor had found a small bullet hole below Lincoln 's left ear . He declared the wound mortal . One by one , as they received the terrible news , Lincoln 's cabinet members rushed to the Peterson House . " The giant sufferer lay extended diagonally across the bed , " remembered Navy Secretary Gideon Welles . " His slow , full respiration lifted the bedclothes with each breath . His features were calm and striking . " Edward Steers Jr . , writer : After he was completely stripped and covered in blankets and hot water bottles , Mary Lincoln was brought into the room to see him . And she basically became hysterical . She kept pleading with Lincoln , pleading with him to open his eyes just to say one word to her , but of course he couldn 't . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth was now suffering from the break in his leg . He was clearly conscious of it now . The adrenaline had stopped flowing , the pain had taken over . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : It was now overcast and a light drizzle was falling and they had to make their way without the aid of moonlight . It took them approximately four hours to get to Mudd 's house . They arrived just before four o ' clock in the morning . Herold dismounted , went to the door , pounded on it . Dr . Mudd examined Booth , removed the boot from the leg and determined it was broken . He set the broken leg , and told Booth that he needed to rest . And so he took him upstairs and put him to bed in an upstairs bedroom . James L . Swanson , writer : People would encounter each other in the street and say , ' The president has been shot , no , the Secretary of State has been attacked and he was stabbed . No , it 's Lincoln , no it 's Seward . ' Then they realized it 's both . Narrator : Finally , at 7 : 22 in the morning , the Surgeon General pronounced the vigil over . Abraham Lincoln was dead . " We all stood transfixed in our positions , " remembered one witness , " speechless around the dead body of that great and good man . " Doris Kearns Goodwin , historian : These men who by that time had come to love Lincoln showed their feelings crying at that bedside . And then of course , Stanton uttered the words that had come down through time . " Now , " Stanton said , " he belongs to the ages . " Narrator : By the morning of Lincoln 's death , telegraphs reporting the assassination had reached nearly every major city in America . That evening , headlines broke the shocking news . " The sun set last night on a jubilant and rejoicing nation , " wrote the New York Herald . " It rose this morning upon a sorrow - stricken people . " No one grieved more than the nation 's newly freed slaves . " There will be sadness today , such as needs no funeral orations or badges of mourning , " wrote the New York Times . " The tears of the forgotten , outcast and oppressed slave will be the sincerest tears that fall on the grave of the President . " Narrator : Within hours of Lincoln 's death , mobs had formed in many Northern and occupied Southern cities . In San Francisco , throngs destroyed the newspaper offices of the Democratic Press . In Washington , vigilantes surrounded a jail holding Confederate prisoners . Two former - Presidents - Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore - faced angry crowds outside their homes after they failed to show evidence of mourning . Narrator : None suffered more in the hysteria than the Booth family itself . Fearing for his life , Edwin Booth stationed guards outside of his New York home . " Think no more of him as your brother , " Edwin wrote his sister Asia , " He is dead to us now , as he soon must be to all the world . " Within days , federal agents raided Asia Booth 's home where they discovered a trove of papers , including a personal manifesto , which her brother John had asked her to keep safe . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : Right or wrong , God judge me , not man . For four years have I waited , hoped , and prayed for the dark clouds to break , and for a restoration of our former sunshine . To wait longer would be a crime . God 's will be done , I go to see and share the bitter end . Terry Alford , historian : Booth was heavily armed , in his house , with his wife and four children . Mudd simply could not afford to host a shootout in the family parlor . So his idea was to get Booth out of there , get gone and pray for good luck . James L . Swanson , writer : Thomas Jones told Booth , ' You have to stay in this pine thicket . The troops are everywhere . You can 't outrun them . The trick is going to be , you stay in place while the soldiers pass through the area and move on , then when the moment is safe I 'll take you down to the river and we 'll cross . ' Terry Alford , historian : Besides the occasional visit from Jones , usually in the late morning , Booth and Herold were left alone in the pine thicket . It was obviously quite lonely in there , and close enough to the road from time to time to hear the pursuers riding up and down it . On one occasion they even heard voices of these Union cavalrymen shouting at each other . Terry Alford , historian : Booth asks Jones of course for food , and news , and particularly newspapers . He wanted to know what the public thought about the assassination . What were the reviews of this final performance of his . And when he got the papers from Jones , he was absolutely stunned . The country was furious with him . From right to left across the spectrum , from Copperheads to radicals to Southerners to Northerners , they denounced Booth in blistering language . James L . Swanson , writer : He wanted to write about what he did . He wanted to justify what he did . And he wanted to be remembered . These were his notes to the play ; These were the director 's notes . He had to leave that behind . He didn 't want to vanish from history without leaving us his own voice . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I struck boldly and not as the papers say . I walked with a firm step through a thousand of his friends , was stopped but pushed on . I passed all his pickets , rode 60 miles that night with the bones of my leg tearing my flesh with every jump . I can never repent it . Our country owed all her troubles to him and God simply made me the instrument of His punishment . Narrator : The day after Lincoln 's death , April 16 , was Easter Sunday . In a nation steeped in religion , on the holiest day of the year , churches and Cathedrals across the land were swelled to the rafters and draped in black . In parishes from Maine to California , ministers tore up their Easter sermons and replaced them with lamentations . James M . McPherson , historian : The parallels with Christ on the cross could not escape anybody . Lincoln was assassinated on Good Friday . He had taken on the burdens of the whole nation on his own shoulders , and for that he was crucified . Here is a man like Jesus , who , was killed to save the rest of us . James L . Swanson , writer : It was with the assassination that the myth of Abraham Lincoln was born . Lincoln was not universally liked or beloved during his presidency . Millions of people hated him . Once he was assassinated everything changed . Narrator : Amid the songs of praise for Lincoln , there were cries for revenge . " Let the ( South ) perish , " thundered one Northern minister . " In the grave of our murdered President , let the last vestige of them be buried . " Gene Smith , writer : It wasn 't enough that they had revolted for four and a half long years . That they had slain on the field of battle the cream of a generation , that they had destroyed themselves . Now , to top it off , they had killed Abraham Lincoln , shot in the back in the presence of his wife . The South had indicted , tried , and convicted itself of irredeemable evil . " After all the heaviness and gloom , " wrote one Southern woman , " this blow to our enemies comes like a gleam of light . We have suffered ' til we feel savage . Our hated enemy has met the just reward of his life . " More than 60 hours after Lincoln 's assassination , the nation was still in a state of agitated suspense . The pressure to capture John Wilkes Booth was building . James L . Swanson , writer : The public demanded that Booth and his conspirators be seized . And it was frustrating that day after day passed . Booth escapes Washington . Then he vanishes into Maryland . Then no one knows where he went . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Reports were coming in from everywhere : Booth was dressed as a woman , living in the basement of some house in Washington . He was seen in Philadelphia in another disguise . Several people were arrested in the North simply because they bore a resemblance to John Wilkes Booth . Narrator : On April 17th , the government 's luck changed . Acting on a tip , soldiers raided Mary Surratt 's boarding house in Washington , where Booth and his accomplices had often met . As they began to question Mrs . Surratt , a knock was heard at the front door . It was Lewis Powell , the would - be assassin of Secretary of State William Seward . Terry Alford , historian : Powell was a stranger to Washington , D . C . and he wasn 't the first stranger to get lost in this maze of streets . With nowhere to go , no food , no money , knowing no one he went to one of the only houses he knew in Washington , the home of the Surratts . Unfortunately for him , just at the moment that he chose to come , late one night , detectives were there interrogating Mrs . Surratt . When he walked in , he looked implausible to them and he got arrested . Narrator : The same day , they arrested Edmond Spangler , a stagehand at Fords , whom they suspected of having aided Booth 's escape . On April 20th , George Atzerodt was arrested on his cousin 's farm after he was overheard boasting about his participation in the conspiracy . Most of the prisoners were taken aboard the ironclad Montauk , where they were ordered to wear padded hoods and confined to three - foot by eight - foot cells . Narrator : On April 20 , Secretary Stanton announced the largest reward ever offered by the federal government - $ 100 , 000 for the capture of John Wilkes Booth and David Herold . " Let the stain of innocent blood be removed from the land by the arrest and punishment of the murderers , " Stanton wrote . " Every man should consider his own conscience charged with this solemn duty and rest neither night nor day until it be accomplished . " It was the beginning of the largest manhunt in American history . For five days and nights , as thousands of soldiers scoured the area , Booth and Herold had hidden safely in the Pine Thicket . Terry Alford , historian : If he could just get out of Maryland , get over to Virginia , he could receive proper medical care , he would find sympathetic individuals , people who could appreciate what he had done . Finally , Jones determined that the area was clear enough of Union pursuers to attempt a crossing . They began about a three to four mile very cautious walk down cart lanes and public roads in the direction of Jones ' farm and the river . Luck was on their side for once at least . Nobody came out , nobody noticed them , no one passed along the road . James L . Swanson , writer : It 's dark , it 's quiet , and they make it safely down the road and across the open country . Then he takes them down to the crossing point . It 's a bluff that leads down to the river . James L . Swanson , writer : All Booth had to do was cross the Potomac that night and he might make it to Virginia , might make it to the Deep South and then it would be almost impossible to catch him . So there Booth and Herold are in the middle of the night . The river is dark ; it 's as black as ink , and they row the wrong way . Instead of rowing west across the river , they start heading north and west and they end up in Maryland . They haven 't even left Maryland after a night of rowing . John Wilkes Booth ( Will Patton ) : I have been hunted like a dog through swamps and woods , wet cold and starving . With every man 's hand against me , I am here in despair . And why ? For doing what Brutus was honored for . And yet I , for striking down a greater tyrant than he ever knew , am looked upon as a common cutthroat . I think I have done well , though I am abandoned with the curse of Cain upon me when if the world knew my heart that one blow would have made me great . Narrator : On April 21 , a special train departed Washington , DC . It carried the remains of Abraham Lincoln and his son Willie , disinterred so he could be reburied next to his father . For the next 12 days , the train would reverse the route Lincoln had taken four years earlier on his way to his first inauguration . In Philadelphia , Lincoln 's casket was displayed in Independence Hall , while a line of mourners stretching more than three miles waited to pay their respects . In New York , the next day , Lincoln 's hearse was led down 5th Avenue by 16 magnificent steeds , as bells from Trinity Church rang out . More than half a million people , a quarter of the city 's population , lined the route . From New York , Lincoln 's train made its way slowly west . David Blight , historian : When people wept for Lincoln , or when they went to their diaries , as many did , and they drew black around the pages , they were really weeping for themselves . They were weeping for their own kids . They were weeping for their own losses . We mourn for ourselves even when we mourn a great public leader . Narrator : " The nation rises up at his coming , " wrote one poet . " Cities and States are his pallbearers and cannon beat the hours with solemn procession . Give him place ye prairies ! Ye winds that move over the mighty spaces of the West , chant his requiem ! Ye people , behold a martyr " . As Lincoln 's funeral train made its slow way across the country , the Navy boat John S . Ide was steaming down the Potomac River . On board were 25 soldiers from the 16th New York Cavalry and two detectives : Luther Baker and Everton Conger . The search party had formed as a result of a fortunate case of mistaken identity . James L . Swanson , writer : These Confederates say we know a place to take you . When we get over the river we 're going to take you to the Garrett farm . Old man Garrett will help you . James L . Swanson , writer : The image of Booth sitting on that front porch , smoking tobacco , playing on the front lawn with the Garrett children , dazzling them with his compass , he seems like he 's relaxed for the first time , that he thinks he can get away . The whole world is hunting for him . There was a frantic pursuit , and here he is , relaxing at the Garrett farm . Narrator : That night the Cavalry regiment found one of the Confederate soldiers and forced him to disclose Booth 's whereabouts . At around two am they arrived at the Garrett farm . Booth and Herold were sleeping in an old tobacco barn on the property . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : Booth and Herold are now completely surrounded by Union cavalry and there 's no escape . David Herold wants to surrender and tells Booth he wants out of this now . He sends Herold out who surrenders to the troopers . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : He tells Conger and his men to back off a hundred feet , let him come out shooting and they 'll have a standoff . And of course Conger isn 't going to have a standoff with Booth . He wants to take him alive . Narrator : Finally , at 3am , the detectives ordered the barn to be set on fire . " The blaze lit up the black recesses of the great barn until every wasp 's nest and cobweb was luminous , " a witness remembered . " About the center of the barn , he stopped , drew himself up to his full height and seemed to take in the entire situation . There was a carbine in one hand , a revolver in the other . Suddenly he threw down his carbine , dropped his crutch , raised the revolver and made a spring for the door . " Terry Alford , historian : As he was coming in their direction a shot rang out . Booth had been shot in the neck by someone and fell to the ground . The doors were flung open , they went in and they grabbed Booth and dragged him outside before the barn caught full fire . Narrator : A young officer named Boston Corbett had pulled the trigger , later claiming that God had ordered him to do so . The bullet passed through Booth 's neck , severing his spinal cord . " Booth had all the appearance of a dead man , " Lieutenant Conger recalled , " but when I got back to him , his eyes and mouth were moving . I put my ear down close … and finally I understood him to say , " Tell mother I die for my country . " Gene Smith , writer : Booth is dragged out feet - first from the barn which is crackling in flames . The show is over . The lighting can now be turned out . James L . Swanson , writer : Booth can barely speak . He asks to see his hands . And then he speaks these last words , looking at his hands , " useless , useless . " Terry Alford , historian : The only person of course who died in the manhunt was Booth . All of his friends were captured and put on trial . And they had to face something in a way even worse than a bullet in the neck ; they had to face national scorn , opprobrium and a military trial . Narrator : Booth 's accomplices - Davey Herold , George Atzerodt , and Lewis Powell - were sentenced to death . Booth 's landlady , Mary Surratt , who had knowledge only of the kidnapping plan , also received a death sentence . The others - O ' Laughlen , Arnold and Mudd - were sentenced to life in prison under hard labor . On July 7th , on the grounds of the Old Arsenal Prison in Washington , the four condemned conspirators were led up 13 steps to the gallows . Edward Steers Jr . , writer : The hoods were placed on them ; the nooses were fashioned around their necks . The chairs were removed . The executioner gave a signal by clapping his hands three times . The platforms fell and the four condemned conspirators dropped to their death . Narrator : Booth 's body had been taken back to Washington . Following an inquest , Secretary Stanton ordered the corpse to be buried on the grounds of a federal prison . It was later dug up and reburied in an unmarked grave in the Booth family plot in Baltimore . Rumors swirled around John Wilkes Booth for decades . Many were willing to believe improbable stories : that he had escaped the Garrett barn and gone on to live in Oklahoma , only to die years later , his mummified corpse displayed in a carnival . James L . Swanson , writer : The historical memory of Booth is that he was the flawed young tragic actor who wrongfully sacrificed his greatness and his life for a cause he held dear . Booth helped perpetrate that because he performed the assassination . He performed the escape . He performed his death . And somehow he transmuted it all into America 's greatest drama . And he 's tricked us into thinking it isn 't all real . It 's too incredible to be real . And so we forget that Lincoln suffered . We forget how his wife and how his children suffered . How the nation suffered . Narrator : Abraham Lincoln 's body finally reached his hometown of Springfield , Illinois , on May 3rd , his face now so black with decomposition that it was barely recognizable . Mary Lincoln - too grief - stricken to accompany her husband 's casket on its last journey - had insisted that he be buried in a cemetery called Oak Ridge on the outskirts of town . One final funeral procession was mounted , past Lincoln 's home , now draped in black . Under a scorching sun , a thousand people gathered on a hillside overlooking the simple vault that would accept the bodies of Abraham and Willie Lincoln . A Methodist Bishop , Matthew Simpson , gave the final benediction . " More people have gazed on the face of the departed than ever looked upon the face of any other departed man . More have looked upon the procession for 1 , 600 miles or more - by night and by day - by sunlight , dawn , twilight , and by torchlight than ever before watched a procession . He made all men feel a sense of himself . They saw in him a man whom they believed would do what is right regardless of the consequences . We crown thee as our martyr , and humanity enthrones thee as her triumphant son . "
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What I have learned is I can accomplish many things in baby steps . This keeps life 's challenges and chores from being overwhelming , as well as making them more pleasurable . This is why I keep writing and sharing , hoping you will be encouraged to join the dance of balance and grace . There are two sections to this blog post : 1 ) Update on my flare - up and how I 'm managing it so far ; 2 ) FlyLady Day 2 . My idea to keep on moving , but less than I was before the flare - up , seems to be working . I still need more sleep than usual : I actually fell asleep in my recliner this morning after getting up . I had not even eaten breakfast . So I missed church , which I don 't like ; but I guess I made my choice when I went out with my Sunday School class last night . However , in general , this flare seems to be improving , or maybe , I am just managing it better . I have cooking supper now - - an easy one , but not a microwave meal . Also , I am focusing on important things on which I was getting lax . I have organized my medications and supplements into their weekly container , because I am not good about taking everything if I don 't stay organized . I have never liked taking meds , but I feel better if I take care of myself . I did Day 2 , which was getting dressed to the shoes . I even used lace - up shoes ; and I chose old - fashioned sneakers , so I didn 't have to take them off every time I sat in my recliner . The shoes with the big soles are not comfortable for me when I 'm reclining , so I usually wear something I can slip on and off . I will shine my sink before I go to bed , preferably after the kitchen is cleaned . Now , for the thing I didn 't like . I skipped ahead to check out Day 3 . And I decided to link to the suggested site . I could not seem to reset my password ; and then , I remembered why I quit using it . It was just one more thing to read or to comment on . Give me a break - - stop sign time . When I get overload , I start getting befuddled . If I don 't say no to myself , I get brain fog ; so , I will look at the daily hints , etc . on Facebook or Flylady . net , or read my email , but that is it . By the way , about the email . If I have several FlyLady emails I have never gotten to , I delete them . I do that with other batch commercial emails too , unless I am interested and have time to read them . It 's not worth it to let email sap my energy . P . S . A positive note about Flylady emails is the testimonials and notes from the Flylady staff . I have been inspired by reading these , but I do not do it all the time . You have to decide what is comfortable for you , if you go down this path . I got all caught up in writing and I forgot to mention a website I found . It 's a forum for men who have fibromyalgia . My understanding is wives and girlfriends are welcome : there is a group for them . Also , women who have fibromyalgia are welcome . The people there use pseudonyms , so you don 't have to feel strange if you are uncomfortable with people knowing your real name . There are also couple of locked forums for Men Only . That is totally fair . Some things are too uncomfortable to talk about with the opposite sex listening in . Right girls ? My communications with people on MenWithFibro . com have been encouraging and friendly . Please read the instructions from the moderators before posting . Disclaimer : If anyone has a bad experience on this site , that is not my responsibility . I am only a user of the site , and I can only recommend on the experience I have had so far . I have had nothing to do with setting up Men with Fibro . com . Got All My Marbles ? Today , is Day 1 of my 31 day challenge . Is anyone going to try it ? I thought of calling it Deb 's Adventure 's in Flyladydom , which I thought would be a separate blog . However , I haven 't done that yet , because everything I do affects me . So , how do I separate the 31 day challenge from Learning to Balance Life Changes ? It seems I am always having to learn something new about myself : even more frustrating , I often have to start all over again . At least , I learn different approaches to the same problems . That 's the whole point of this blog : encouragement , knowing you are not alone , thinking of new ways to do things , and even challenging one another not to give up . So , I cleaning and organizing our lives will stay here , because it is more difficult when you are ill and fatigued . The thing , that I am learning now , is not to let my muscles waste away when I have a flare . There is a tendency to sit or lie down all day with flares . I have done that before , and it is counter - productive , because I have to go through the whole baby step process from bottom up when I feel better . I would love to hear if other people have experienced this , because I have been experiencing it for over 15 years . Every time I let myself go into sedentary mode it is like I am recovering from a long convalescence . I have to deal with being too weak to do anything for more than five minutes . I get cabin fever from being in the house too long or I retreat back into agoraphobia , and going out becomes traumatic with panic attacks . I like it when I feel normal , well , almost normal . And that does happen , but it doesn 't last , especially if I spend my marbles unwisely or use too many spoons . It hasn 't been too many days since I talked about how to change habits . Are you working on yours , one at a time ? Or maybe , you have traveled over to FlyLady 's site and started applying it your situation . Many people have done that : there are even men catching on , either because they have seen how their households have changed because of a flybaby spouse or flybaby friend . Some people are bachelors that don 't want to live in chaos or have someone in to clean . And then , there are guys that think it 's too cute , so they would not touch it with a ten foot pole . This is how I look at it from the point of view of someone that has a chronic illness . I know I would be happier with my surroundings if I could get the FlyLady system down . If the things that need to be done were habitual habits , I would not have the clutter that can contribute to depression . Since I have used Marla Cilley 's methods in the past , I know they work . However , I have never been able to get through all 31 days of the babysteps . I have been able to apply various aspects , but never been able to follow a daily morning and before the bed routine . Maybe , that is my own stubbornness . More likely , it is because I did not try FlyLady until I had been sick for many years , because I was able to keep my house clean . And , as so many of my readers know , the day to day things we are able to do are affected by our illnesses , which can cause havoc with a routine . I thought about starting a new blog for the experiment I want to try . However , the premise of this blog is balancing changes in our lives . The changes brought on by chronic illnesses are overwhelming , and dealing with fatigue and pain is a constant factor in so many lives . I lost many of my good habits during the first 11 years if my illness . I could no longer maintain all of my good life habits on a regular basis . I tried , but it just didn 't happen for me , except on a sporadic basis . The experiment I want to do is going through FlyLady 's 31 days of Beginner BabySteps and documenting the ups and downs and my reaction to the process . I will have interruptions and breaks that come . I am sure of that . But I want to get through the whole 31 days . I am going to apply this to myself , not try to be a carbon copy . There may be things I cannot do , I am already doing , or I need to apply to a different area in my life . Men , this is where you come in . Do you think you could apply FlyLady 's techniques to your garage , your spare room , your storage shed , your office , or some other area of your life ? I have looked for an equal men 's site , and I found one that appears to be dormant - - not much there . Maybe , you could be the FlyMan on the internet . How about it ? Are you game ? Do you think we could try ? For those of you who say , I am too weak and ill to even begin thinking of trying FlyLady 's 31 days of babysteps . I understand : I have been there . You need to take things slow and easy . Add new things in small increments of time . If it is picking up clutter , tell yourself , " I can hang that jacket on a hanger and put it in the closet . " Or perhaps , it is a project you have wanted to do . Do a small amount at a time . Pick up that trash on the way to the kitchen and throw it in the trash . Spend 3 to 5 minutes cleaning a table off and rest . Congratulate yourself for the smallest improvement . It adds up after time . Everytime I was able to do one small job , my self - esteem would rise . And after a while it got easier . I also discovered I needed to play - - not stew about what I was not getting done . I started getting outside , sitting on the back porch . I would read or take pictures of the birds . Maybe , you could go fishing . You have to figure out what would be nourishing to your soul . Now , for those of you who say that Deborah is having a flare - up : she needs to wait . No , I do not want to lose the muscle tone I have gained with activity . If I wait , it will be like starting all over again . I just need to measure my spoons carefully . Or it may be marbles . I will explain marbles another day . To quote George E . Woodberry , Defeat is not the worst of failures . Not to have tried is the true failure . Ladies and Gentlemen , I invite you to make some effort at joining me in this endeavor . If you can 't do the 31 days of babysteps , pick an area in your life that needs to be worked on . Let 's share . If you are on Facebook , like and comment on Balancing Life Changes / Living Better with Chronic Illness . And of course , I always welcome your comments here . Today , I am balancing life differently that the past month and a half . In fact , I left the blogging for later , because I cannot live in constant clutter . I am not talking about house clutter , even though that is part of it . Because of the flare - up , my brain feels cluttered . I am feeling over - sensitive to so much right now : heat , cold , noise , even how much I see on a page on the internet . I know that sounds crazy , but it is making me feel irritable ; furthermore , I am developing a headache and feeling more tense . Last night , I tried to just chill to ward off that feeling of being bombarded , but it was difficult . The things that usually work did not work . I don 't remember experiencing this until the fibromyalgia got to the point I couldn 't ignore it . Maybe , as a woman , I attributed it to PMS . Well , a decade and a half later , I know it isn 't PMS . And I know I 'm not going nuts , because I am not the only one that gets these sensitivities . Adrienne Dellwo writes some wonderful articles on fibromyalgia . She keeps with research and knows what it is to experience chronic illness . She herself has dealt with it for years , and she has learned to live with it . One of the things she has written about is central sensitization . A 2008 article written about this is Fibromyalgia - Sensitivity to More than Pain . A more recent article is interesting because of the overlap we see with other illnesses . I also recommend reading this . Illness Clusters : The Reason Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome " Bring Friends . " I think of my autistic grandson , and I wonder if these sensitivities were always waiting in my genetics for the chance to come out . I will probably never know , but it does seem there is some scientific basis for the overload fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue patients experience . Posted by I should have been suspicious when I got swollen glands and a sore throat . Instead , I optimistically called it a cold . I should have noticed I was getting a little draggier everyday , but optimist I am , I ignored it , and kept doing what I wanted to do . Why ? Because inside of me is the normal person wanting to get out : at least , that is the way it feels . I have felt steadily better since May . Of course , I was hoping it would last ; and the longer I felt better , the more I was sure I had learned the magic formula to pacing myself . So what changed ? All I can do is relate what I think changed without any scientific documentation . For those of you out there that suffer with chronic illnesses that have or don 't have overlapping symptoms with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue , I would love to hear from you . Eventually , I might do a survey , but not today . I cannot deal with learning something new today . Note : knowing when to back away from taxing your brain is a good thing , because learning something new can suck that energy right out of you . For simplicity 's sake , I am not going to give you any cutesy words here . I am going to make a list of the things that led to my flare - up . I have had this happen so many times , I cannot believe I didn 't see it coming . But that 's the way it is sometimes , and I am thankful for the good , and for the reminder I have to measure out my energy . And for those of you who have not read it , I want you to read The Spoon Theory . It is such a good description of what we go through . . . I really thought I was going to get caught with " blank page " syndrome today . Then , I prayed and asked God to help me know what to write about . Writing about changing our habits just didn 't seem to fit today , even though , I know it is helpful . I will come back to that : in fact , I am considering writing an online diary of my adventures in FlyLadydom . Today , I may touch on some sensitive issues . Usually , my message is very positive , because I want you to know there is life after diagnosis ; and , I want you to be able to do the things to get there . Instead , I am going to let you know that I feel crappy ! For those of you that know me , you know I avoid any term that could be considered vulgar . However , I cannot think of a better term right now . In fact , even though I know I could do the looking up a synonym thing , I do not want to use another term . This icky , yucky , about to fall off a cliff feeling is here , and . . . We have been looking at changing habits ; however , I don 't want us to lose our good habits while changing the old ones . I 'm discovering this is a danger . While I am working on my writing habit and developing new connections for my blogs , my house is not getting the attention it needs . Did I remember to tell you that perfection is not the goal ? Perfection as a goal can be a danger to perfectionists . Perfectionists have a strange way of procrastinating on things they don 't get perfect ; at least , I do . Or sometimes , they obsess to the point of being obnoxious . So now , I aim for improving my habits , and I don 't criticize myself for not doing it perfectly . That means I don 't ruminate over every detail of what I have or haven 't done ; what my project looks like ; or what other people think . I cannot read my friends ' minds and my acquaintances ' minds ; moreover , I could be erroneously thinking they thought something , which they didn 't think . I can 't help what other people think , so it is a waste of my time and energy to worry about this . A little over a year ago , one of my grandsons asked me , " Grandma , why do you have notes stuck all over the house ? " He was surprised to see notes stuck by doors and windows , as well as on the bathroom mirror and by the sink . I explained to him they were my reminders for developing better habits . I told you about visualizing the steps for your habit in your mind . You should be relaxed when you do that : just mentally walk yourself through your new habit . Using a sticky note is an additional tool you could use to encourage yourself to do your habit . I like bright colors that catch my eye . Then , I post them in places where I am sure to pause . The bathroom mirror usually got a note reminding me to take my medicine . Also , I would put a reminder to get out of my night clothes and get dressed . I had a note by my favorite french door too . I loved looking at the birds through this window , so I usually saw my reminder to get dressed or unload the dishwasher there - - whatever the habit of the month was . The sticky notes are going to go up again in my house . I have some new things I am working on , and I am beginning to ignore my to do list . One more thing : do you have sticky notes on your computer , either virtual or real ? I love them , especially the virtual ones on my computer . If you use sticky notes on your computer , cull them once in a while , so you don 't have too many on your screen . If I leave mine there too long , I have a tendency to start ignoring them . Have a good weekend ! I 'm taking time off from writing on this blog spot . I need to work on my cleaning habits and getting ready for worship on Sunday . Talk to you next week . The thing we are working on now is self - motivation . I can practically hear some of the groans , because I have been in the place where I thought I would never be motivated again , which made me feel guilty and more depressed . Having an illness that clings like a vine on a brick wall that you can 't get rid of is disheartening , a miserable state of existence ; until , a change is affected in one 's heart . I had to learn to quit looking back at what was , and learn to live in my present . That actually helped with the self - motivation . Very simply , I am going to list the things we should be doing now . We should be visualizing each step of the habit we are going to change . My habit is to sit at the computer less . I am visualizing myself writing my blog , the timer goes off after * * 30 minutes : I may make that a little longer . This is a work in progress . I get up : go to the bathroom , get some more water to drink , fix myself a snack , do about 15 to 30 minutes of housework , or whatever needs doing . The main idea is to move around and free my mind from writing for a few minutes . Now , I need to take a break . I 'm getting a cup of decaffeinated coffee and 2 lemon snaps ( my dessert ) ; and , I am going to watch a television program , something light and funny . Honestly , I am hoping I can make this a short blog post today . I think we could all use that . I have the Facebook Page up , but it took me lots of time , even though Facebook does make it easy to walk through ; but I try to do my own artwork , because I don 't want to infringe on any copy - writes . Also , I never set up a public Facebook Page before . The Facebook Page is called Balancing Life Changes / Living Better With Chronic Illness . Yesterday , I asked you to think about a habit you would like to work on , or one you need to work on - - just one . Whether you are male or female ; when you have a chronic illness , especially when it is at it 's worse or you have overdone , it makes some of your brains feel like they are slogging through a fog . In fact , I am having to focus extra hard right now , because I am having one of those days where my brain and body are extra tired . So pick one thing , one habit you need to change . My habit I plan to work on is setting a timer when I write . I need to get up to do other things , to move my body or I get to stiff , and I need to rest my brain . Your problem may be similar to when I have been extremely sick and sedentary . My motivation was at its lowest , and taking a bath or shower was a major issue for me . Or you may be somewhere in between my current situation and my lowest . The basic way to change the habit is one step at a time . And you may be surprised , one step may make you feel like taking another ; which , in turn , increases self - esteem and motivation . I am going to keep this as simple as possible : if you are sitting in a chair or have a hard time getting out of bed . Yes , I know it hurts . Just lie there and The goal of my blog posts are to encourage you and to share things I have been learning on my chronic illness journey . Our disabilities and symptoms will not always be the same , but I have found that people who have a chronic or invisible illness often share symptoms , such as fatigue or depression . These are two areas , with which I have struggled ; and they impacted my routines in negative ways , especially in the area of cleaning house . I have been a Flylady fan for several years , and I have had success in using her methods to get on track again . Being a flybaby and adapting the things I have learned from reading Marla Cilley 's website have been helpful for me . She has blessed many people in a variety of situations with her insight into FLYING , finally loving yourself . As we travel this journey together , I would like you to think about this : when you finally love yourself , it is a step towards loving other people better . I am thinking I will also write something about this in my devotional blog , Take Comfort . As you know , my week was busy last week ; and I have a little cold - - I think . However , because my habits are improving , I know I can do some things around the house without making myself more ill . We all have to adapt to our own circumstances , so I am not suggesting you do as I do . No one knows how your body reacts better than yourself . I have learned I must listen to my body . There are times I need complete rest . You need to adapt what you learn to your circumstances , just as I have . I am not a doctor , a therapist , or any kind of medical professional . I am a pilgrim on a journey to improving the way I live my life , so I hope we can have a dialogue during this series of blog posts . One of the things I want you to keep in mind , as you read , is that I am trying to lay a foundation to work from in this blog post . Or perhaps , we could call it a blueprint . The answers to changing habits and finding what works for you and me takes time . And I do not want you to be discouraged , because it is a process which does not happen overnight . However , when the light comes on , that change is possible , that one does not have to stay stuck , it is liberating . I promised to start writing more about being a flybaby ; however , I 'm not home to do that at the moment . Instead , I am doing something all grandparents need to take time for . I am visiting my daughter , her husband , and my grandchildren . My husband had to go to their part of the country to sing and play his trombone in a concert , so it was the perfect opportunity to drop in for an overnight visit . Not long ago , there was about a year and a half I could not travel to visit my family . I somtimes felt very guilty about that . But I was able to talk to them on the telephone and email them . Also , they came to visit , and that was lovely . But when they came to visit , I had to deal with tremendous post exertional fatigue . However , it was worth it to me to have spent time with my family . I wanted to know my grandchildren , and they wanted to know me . I know that some people reading my blog posts are dealing with chronic illness and have young children or teenagers at home . I empathize with you . It must be horribly difficult to deal with serious illnesses and care for your family . The daughter , we are visiting now has 7 children , 3 of them are special needs children . I am impressed by the way my daughter organizes their household . Routines are a very important part of keeping their home from being mass chaos . Also , they are careful not to be ruled by things or as one grandaughter would say , " Stuff ! " I think a certain amount of simplicity in the home breeds a peaceful atmosphere , and the children have ways to contribute to the household . They are each assigned daily short tasks that help to make their house a pleasant place to live . They each have to make their beds , with the older children helping the younger children . One child sweeps the kitchen floor . The oldest boy vacuums the few areas that are carpeted . Another child empties the wastebaskets . My daughter does a load of laundry every day , and the children fold the clothes and put their own clothes away if they are old enough . I thought it was sweet when my daughter gave us towels last night and she apologetically said , " They aren 't folded perfectly because the girls folded them , but they were folded with love . " My response to that was that it didn 't bother me : I don 't expect them to be perfect . The children are not frustrated by a mindset that everything has to be done just like an adult would do it . Instead , they are enjoying the fruit of accomplishing tasks that benefit their home and family . We could apply this idea to our own lives as well . I used to try to do everything perfectly , and if it did not turn out to fit my idea of perfection , I would apologize . For example , I would actually refold the towels if they were not folded a certain way , so they would line up perfectly in my linen closet . I know that sounds obsessive , but that is how I was taught to fold towels . In fact , I remember while I grew up , there was an emphasis on doing things a certain way - - while I wondered why it mattered if I got the same results . I think I carried this perfectionism into my everyday life . And I still catch myself trying to do certain things perfectly , whether it matters or not . Since I have been ill , I have had to give myself a break . But I also , I have had to actively remind myself when I began to fall into perfectionistic behavior . FlyLady has a saying I love : Housework done incorrectly still blesses your family . Simply put , I think that means to do what you can , but then be happy with it . Sometimes , perfectionists avoid what they know needs doing ; and then , when the pressure of having to get a task done builds up , they exhaust themselves by trying to get the job done in a short amount of time . And of course , they work on doing it perfectly , even if it takes all night . I 'm the expert on that method . LOL ! afterwards , that I couldn 't do anything . I also found out I have a liver disease called NASH . Furthermore , I found out I have Hypothyroidism and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ; so , I got in this cycle of letting the clutter pile and waiting to feel could say I did , but it wasn 't quite that easy for me . It was kind of like yo - yo dieting . I didn 't have the energy to stick to the plan adapted FlyLady 's excellent plan to my own life . Moreover , I am still working on it . Let 's see if we can share the things that are 1 . I have to confess , I am procrastinating on putting up a Facebook Group . There are already so many . Or I could do a page . To be honest , I just want to do this right . And I know I have to start somewhere . I have been trying to spread out the spokes of my circle , a little longer , a baby step at a time . Plus , I am trying to get my house out of moving chaos too . 2 . Speaking of moving CHAOS , I did not totally listen to my body . I did for several weeks , then I got extra determined , because I was expecting overnight guests . I got so into unpacking , unpiling , and organizing , that I overdid - - of course - - that is my nature . Learning to balance life changes is different than my former way of doing things . I am learning to clean better and easier - - meaning I do it everyday , not waiting until it piles up . 3 . I thought I was going to have to wait to restart my series on going through the FlyLady steps . I thought I had to get my house clean for company first . However , I need to tell you how I have been doing what I have done to get back into a livable routine , which still could use some polishing . There 's that busy bee again , concentrating on the flower that hasn 't opened completely yet . After I had hip replacement surgery last December , my main effort was focused on getting me mobile again . I followed the doctor 's and physical therapist 's directions . I did the exercises . And I was gentle with myself , but also firm - - I used my walker , until I was strong enough to use a cane . However , if I had a particularly painful day or I felt wobbly , I didn 't feel ashamed of going back to the walker that day . I did not want to go back into surgery , because of a dislocated joint , so I was very careful to follow the after surgery protocol . After the surgery , I had to spend time learning to take care of my own personal needs , such as bathing and getting dressed . That was my main focus . Just getting a shower was exhausting , but it felt so good ! I have kept my shower chair in the bathroom , even though I have healed from surgery , because it is great to have on the days CFS and FM have drained me of energy . I have a sturdy little basket that drains , which I stick the head of my shower sprayer in while I soap up . Most of the time I don 't need the shower chair , but what a blessing to have it when I do . After a couple of months , I began to feel comfortable doing things in the kitchen if I sat on a stool . We have a galley style kitchen , and the walking back and forth was very irritating to my healing leg . We bought a rolling cart , so I could put items I was going to use for cooking and roll them to one place . I did not hesitate to ask for help if I needed it . I put the kitchen information in , because as thoroughly as I thought I had read the information I brought home , I missed reading the stool and rolling cart information . I was struggling every time I tried to work in the kitchen , until I got my cart . Finally , I have found some of the things I learned from having hip surgery as helpful tools to use in pacing myself , so I can live a better paced life to shorten the effect of post - exertional malaise , so common in CFS and FM . I mentioned three of those things today : sitting on a stool as I work in the kitchen , using a cart to economize on movement in the kitchen , and continuing to occasionally use my shower chair . God bless you as you find the things that help you live the life you desire . * * * Disclaimer * * * Do not consider what I say as qualified medical information . I am not a medical professional . I am only sharing out of my own experience and information I have read . You should contact qualified medical professionals about medical questions or needs you have . How many of you have seen the movie Julie and Julia ? I need to add this to my list of favorite movies ; for each time I see it , I enjoy it and catch something new . I always get a kick out of the way Julie addresses the readers of her blog , so if I call you dear readers from time to time , please indulge me and know that you are dear to me , and I cannot think of a more apt term to let you know I cherish you . ______________________________________________________________________ Courtesy of [ Stuart Miles ] / www . freedigitalphotos . net / So , Dear Readers , I think I am finally learning how to leave well enough alone . Those of you who are learning to balance your lives , know exactly what I mean . When you are extra fatigued and about to walk two steps back instead of one step forward in your health life , it is time to say , " NO ! " . And I did mean to shout , because I have over - done too many times . When one has CFS it is a bit like walking a tightrope . If you lean too far in one direction , you are going to fall off : you might even find you are unable to train for a short time , because of an injury . With CFS , the energy principle is in action . A healthy person uses energy , rests , and gains energy ; however when one has CFS , it takes longer to replenish that energy than before one became ill . And for the naysayers out there , who are quite likely saying , " Get real ! You don 't look sick : you just need to exercise more or you 're lazy . " ; I say , " Obviously , the only way you could possibly understand would be to walk in my shoes ; and then , you would be devastated . " How I would like to be able to clean house in one day . Or take a long hike . It sure would be nice to hit the tennis courts . And I would love to be able to visit my grandchildren anytime I can pick up and go , but I have to store my energy like squirrel stores nuts for the winter . If I am not careful , I will end up with weeks or months that taking a shower feels like running a 5k . Now , that I have that out of the way , I will get to the point . Sometime very early this morning , I was contemplating improving / decorating my blog , but my previous experiences came back to me . When I start messing around with the templates , I have to change font size , etcetera . ; and I end up spending a ridiculous amount of time and energy messing with my blog design . It seems like one change leads to another . I heard the voice of reason in my head , " Remember what happened last time . Don 't mess with it . Leave well enough alone . " It was about 3 in the morning , and I felt like my eyelids weighed 5 pounds . My body ached all over . I needed to relax , but I was so wound up from all the work I had done in the house , that was not about to happen . I have noticed that my coordination is affected when I am that tired , and my brain is in a fog , and I my actions don 't always match up with what I mean to do . It 's complicated . I did not write this to complain . I just want you to know you are not alone ; and I want the world to know that people with chronic or invisible illnesses do not have these illnesses because they are malingerers or hypochondriacs . These are real illnesses . And finally , I would like to hear from you . There are many invisible illnesses , that are chronic , and change one 's life forever . If you hate posting comments on blogs , I will soon have a Facebook Page up and running . God bless you and give you peace . " Leave well enough alone . " That 's a phrase with which I have some difficulty . I just don 't know when to leave things alone . I don 't know when to stop changing them and perfecting them . That 's why , today , I mucked about changing the This is going to be a short one , but I have to share . And I 'm going to ask you to pray for me , because this is a special day : I 'm going back to church again . Yes , that sounds odd for a committed Christian and for minister 's wife ; however , I have been very ill . I have tried , when I had short remissions , but my body would not cooperate ; and I could not keep up the activity . Also , I have had a psychological block , a phobia about going there . Agoraphobia - - fear of the marketplace , basically fear of being around a large group of people . Moreover , because of Fibromyalgia , it is easy for me to get over - stimulated , which leads to feeling overwhelmed and brainfog . . The thing is I have loved going to Worship my whole life , but then I got side - swiped into not being there . I have always felt guilty about that , until God showed me I didn 't have carry around an extra load of guilt . He is healing things in my life . Today is a new beginning . I pray I will be able to balance my energy , and not fall back into total exhaustion . I don 't think this is a remission . I am in a little less pain , and I feel much stronger , because I have been more active since I had my hip replacement in December of 2011 . Right now , my eyes don 't want to completely open up . I can hardly read what I wrote . But , I am showered and dressed , and I have my makeup on . It 's 8 : 30 A M . Hallerluyah , as a friend of mine says .
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I woke up on Sunday morning , October 18th , with some cramps . I didn 't think much of it until I started about my day . We were planning on going to the Calabasas pumpkin festival that day , but soon realized that wasn 't going to happen . As we made breakfast and did our usual lazy Sunday activities ( i . e . Nintendo ) , I figured out that I was getting contractions . They picked up in intensity pretty quickly , and Patrick and I started to time them . I was getting about 30 seconds of contractions every four minutes . My doctor told me to labor at home as long as possible , so that 's what we did . I busied myself with Purusha work just in case I was going to the hospital and would be out of commission for a few days . ( Later on I was SO thankful I did this ! ! ) At around 3 PM we took the dogs on a walk and I got super irritable . At one point on our walk I just stopped and cried . I had been laboring since 10 AM that morning and had been having contractions at least every four minutes . Our doctor said to go to the hospital when the pain was unbearable and I couldn 't speak through the contractions . Patrick asked me if I could talk when I was having a contraction and I said bitterly , " Why would I be talking right now ? ! " Haha that was a big indicator that no , I could not talk through the contractions . As the evening approached we kept trying to distract ourselves from the labor . I played more Wooly World on Nintendo and Patrick made us dinner . I was beginning to feel nauseous too , so dinner was not something that I wanted . Around 10 PM we noticed the contractions were lengthening and getting closer together . They were coming about every two to three minutes and lasting one minute . The pain was becoming really unbearable , especially because I probably had hundreds of contractions that day as they were coming so frequently . We got ready for bed and thought maybe I could sleep through the pain . Wasn 't happening . I didn 't want to leave our house and enter the unknown , I just wanted to go to bed with Patrick and the dogs and have a baby sometime in the future . But at the same time I wanted to just do it . My work was done for a day or so , and I didn 't want to do all that laboring for nothing . Between each contraction I decided I was fine and we could stay home , but with every contraction I felt like I was dying and we had to do something . It was a lot of back and forth , crying from me , and the dogs were getting nervous that we were getting out of bed and walking around the house . At 11 : 30 PM we decided it was time to go to the hospital . If they turned us away at least we would know what was going on , and I wasn 't going to fall asleep that night anyways . We gathered our bags , kissed the doggie boys good - bye , and headed out . It was the perfect time to drive to the hospital around midnight , there was no traffic ! Which was good for me as the pain was really getting horrible . We got to Good Samaritan Hospital downtown in about 35 minutes , which in LA time is amazing ! I kept on wanting to just go sit on a toilet , like if I could release something I would feel better . That 's the first stop we made when we went in the Emergency entrance at the hospital , but sadly it did nothing for me . Patrick said , ' Let 's get excited ! We 're here , we 're going to meet the baby ! ' I groaned . We went to the triage and the nurse measured me at 80 % effaced and three to four cm dilated . They said we should stay at the hospital , and that kind of absolutely terrified me . I was going to have the baby ! We texted my sister to come take care of the dogs , and like an angel she was there the next morning early . That alone did wonders to ease my mind , though the pain in my body continued to become more severe . The nurse said she was going to bring us to a delivery room , and I should try to get some sleep because I had a long way to go . First labors are slow . Sleep sounded totally impossible with my contractions coming every 2 to 3 minutes , feeling like a menstrual cramp from the gates of hell . I can 't even describe , or truly remember now how bad it felt . The worst pain I 've ever had in my body . I was starting to get really grouchy , tired and frustrated . They moved us to our delivery room and we both laid down and tried to sleep . With every contraction I felt weaker and weaker and my mind was going to a dark place . It 's so interesting to see where your thoughts go when you 're in intense pain . All of my meditation , breath work , yoga , and preparation made no difference in that moment . I was present , that 's for sure ! Present with a knock you on your ass pain that I felt would slowly destroy me . Patrick and I debated back - and - forth if I should get the epidural . Just like at home when I was between a contraction I thought I could press on naturally . When a contraction arose and peaked I felt all my resolve go out the window . I was exhausted , I felt like we 'd been beaten down . It was around 4 AM and I didn 't know if I could survive and actually have the strength to have a baby at this rate . I knew I 'd have a very hard road ahead of me if I was not able to sleep that whole night and God knows how many hours that day . I decided to get an epidural . Pat later told me he didn 't want to persuade me either way , but was secretly so glad that I decided on this . It 's hard to see someone you love in such pain . The most cheerful little Asian man anesthesiologist came in about an hour after I requested the epidural , an hour of complete agony , and merrily put the giant needle in my back . I loved him so much . It was now 5 : 30 AM on Monday , October 19th . The pain of the epidural was like heaven compared to the contractions . They set me up with my IV and my catheter and within about 15 minutes I was a changed woman . I can honestly say getting an epidural was one of the best and most mature decisions I 've ever made in my life . It 's tough to put aside what you planned , which was a " natural " birth , and do what makes sense for your situation . For me , labor isn 't the time to prove yourself a warrior , it 's the time to deliver your baby safely . Within an hour I finally found blissful , incredible sleep . Throughout my sleep I woke up every hour or so because I could still feel the sensations of labor , just not the pain . I also would hear babies screaming from time to time as another woman nearby would have her baby . It was the most beautiful and scary sound . This is real ! My doctor , Dr . Chang , arrived shortly after I fell asleep , around 6 : 00 AM . He told me I was still only about 4 cm dilated and I should try to sleep and he would be back around noon . I was in epidural heaven and was like , sure no problem ! I can 't wait to go back to sleep . The only problem with my sleep was I kept dreaming of Wooly World ! In this game you wrap everything in yarn and no matter what I tried to think about I would end up knitting it into something . It was so lame and frustrating ! Shouldn 't I be dreaming about my newborn son ? ! Not some silly ( though awesome ) video game ! ? As I rested I could feel the contractions intensifying so I got even more epidural . Best . Invention . Ever . Dr . Chang came back at noon and said that my labor wasn 't progressing because my water wasn 't breaking . My body was doing a great job with the contractions , they were nice and strong and frequent , but the baby wasn 't descending because the water bag was very tight . He decided it would be best to break my water , so that 's what we did . Dr . Chang left after that and said he 'd be back around 5 PM to see where I was . I ate ice chips and drank a little water , but still felt nauseous so was OK with not eating . Patrick and I slept or went on our iPhones . It felt funny to be able to text and talk to people as I was in such active labor . At 5 : 30 PM Dr . Chang woke us up . He asked me how I was feeling and I said it felt like somebody was blowing up a balloon in my butt . He laughed and cheered and said wonderful ! He measured me and said I was fully dilated and we were ready to have the baby ! We just had to wait for the nurse Angela to come help . I was absolutely terrified ! The baby was going to come ! ! When I get really nervous and excited I throw up , so I threw up in a little cup . After that I felt ready for the challenge , down for anything ! Bring it ! Dr Chang dimmed the lights and gave us a pep talk . He told us how our lives would change and that we should be as present as possible in the next moments because we would never feel anything like this again . This was it ! What we 'd been waiting for and planning and thinking about for the past 9 months was here ! At 6 PM Angela arrived and we were ready to start pushing . They got me all set up , lifted my heavy as lead legs into some stirrups , and with the next contraction we started pushing ! I took a huge breath in and pushed ! Dr . Chang said I was doing amazing and he was already crowning . I touched his head , and they asked if I wanted a mirror to see what was going on . I said no . Haha not this time . I pushed maybe 10 more times and he was out ! It was so easy ! Our sweet boy was ready to meet us and the world . Patrick delivered him and out came our little alien love child , arms and legs spread and crying like a baby bird ! How could this be real ? ! A perfectly formed being just came out of my body ! He was so much smaller than I imagined and looked shocked ! Poor little guy . Dr . Chang and Patrick placed him on my chest and I stroked his cheeks in a complete love coma blissed out stupor . I told him how much I loved him and said everything was always going to be ok . He cried , stopped crying , cried , and we put him on my breast . He started sucking right away ! I 've dreamt of breastfeeding before , so it seemed familiar , like something I was designed to do . I felt like we were made for each other , destined always to be mother and son . After holding him for a bit the nurse took our precious sweet boy and weighed him and all that good stuff . He was 6 lbs 4 oz , 19 inches long . He screamed as they did his footprints and I felt an urge to stop that crying like I 've never felt before . My baby . At 6 : 17 PM on October 19th our lives changed forever . I told Shep in the womb everyday , " You 're such a good boy . We love you so much already . " It couldn 't be more true . The word love doesn 't begin to explain my feelings for him . Something beyond love exists , and he 's teaching me what that is . Gah , miss clothes ! We went to Anthropologie this weekend and there was SO much I wanted ! ! But there 's no point in buying until after he 's born . I have my few dresses I wear on repeat now . I think I 'm blessed with being a good sleeper . I could sleep for like 10 hours . I had a few hard nights of sleep last week , but it 's mostly good . I get hip pain on my left side sometimes when I wake up . OH ! Haha yesterday morning I kept waking myself up with a snort . Like it actually sounds like a pig . The weirdest thing ! And I have been quite mucousy in the mornings . That 's annoying and gross . I had one really lovely yoga session this week that didn 't feel like a struggle . It reminded me of what my body once was , and how good it will feel to have the baby and get back into my fitness routine , feeling strong and powerful ! I have a feeling I won 't ever take my body for granted again . I am super inspired to move and take good care of myself . : ) I love my body more than ever for doing what it 's doing . Well the baby dropped and he 's at 0 station now ( the lowest he can be in the pelvis ) . So not so much heartburn and I can eat bigger meals , but the crotch lightening is insane . Sometimes when I walk his head is hitting my pelvis and nerves I guess and it hurts a lot . Peeing more than ever because of him being so low too . I have a hard time getting up from laying down and find myself sometimes frustrated with how hard it is to move my body . My daily walks , yoga , and exercises are a GIANT chore these days . They 're just not easy at all , but I know keeping it up will make for an easier labor and faster recovery . Food cravings ? No . I really can 't say I ever had that ! But I will say I am eating whatever the eff I want these days ! Doctor 's orders ! He said to eat ice cream to help the baby put on weight , and well , I have to listen ! I mean , I 've always been a desert lover and indulge daily , but I 'm doing so now with no remorse or worry . I 'm also still trying to get plenty of protein and eat a lot of basically everything . Ooh it 's like a little out now ! Not full on outie , but a little fold of it is out . When I lay down on my back in goes back in . Clothes ! ! Shopping this weekend made me sooo excited to be a woman with a baby outside of her ! I love being a woman , and want to be fashionable and have beautiful things . And do beautiful things without a struggle . I really love clothes , and not being able to wear whatever I want is again an eye opener into how much I enjoy style . I have another clothing brand idea in the works too ! Now it is the birth . We just want to meet him and get this show on the road . Patrick is definitely ready to begin this next phase of life . It 's really sweet . He 'll be like , ' I want the baby to come . I 'm bored . ( Haha ! ) I want something new to do . ' Pat is going to be the best dad . I can 't wait to see him take on that role . He 's SO funny and playful , but also a great disciplinarian . He 's very consistent . I think slowly getting over the fear of labor . My dear friend Ianthe gave me some lovely words of wisdom that are really resonating with me . She said I can 't be afraid during labor because this is my first time really being a parent to my boy . I need to stay calm for him , to let him know everything is ok out here . That birth is about HIM , not me . It 's about delivering him here with a sense of peace and security . I 'm a Mom already , and I want him to feel safe . This isn 't to say it 's not going to hurt , but I need to keep in mind my sense of calm is not for myself , it 's to take care of him . So so sweet . Well his room is all set up ! I 'll share some photos sometime soon . I guess I 'm bonding with him by trying to take the best care of us . Exercise , good food , deep breathing , kegels . And letting go of control . I 've had this fear of him getting a true cord knot , and I expressed those fears to my doctor . He said that this is only the beginning . There is always a chance something will happen to your child . So why worry now ? Why start ? You just have to be responsible and then let go . This is another way in which I 'm not as afraid of labor now . I have no control over what will happen . Obviously I can decide for myself how to handle labor pain and if I want drugs or whatever , but what goes on during delivery to him is something I need to be ok with not knowing . I 'm trying to cherish every moment with him still safe in my belly and let him know how much we all love him already . P . S . We are totally becoming those people that decorate excessively for holidays ! How do you like our spiderwebs and tombstones ? ! Hoping baby comes before Halloween so we can all be here to greet trick or treaters ! Still pretty good ! I wake up more often at night to pee and change positions , and find my hips hurt sometimes . But I 'm getting at least 8 hours , sleeping in bed with Patrick and the boys . Lots and lots of heartburn , it makes me feel like I 'm going to throw up sometimes . : / Some mild Braxton Hicks contractions here and there , stomach is practicing getting tighter and then releasing , I have to move more slowly or my belly gets a sharp pain . Totally out of breath walking up hills . Overall not super comfortable , but I still say this is pretty easy ! I don 't think so , but I do have an intuition he 's coming soon . Not that I am predicting when he 's coming , but it just feels like it 's time , ya know ? He sure kicks a lot , and the doctor said he 's upside down now , so that 's good ! I am starting to miss my body , but I don 't really like to think or speak those words . I want to be as grateful as possible . Also , being pregnant is a great conversation starter , so that makes me not want this to end ! Everywhere I go people talk to me about babies , birth , parenthood . . . It 's very cool to feel so connected to the human race in this way , and everyone has been really kind to me . I miss buying cool clothes , haha . Can 't buy much , but of course that 's ok . Getting a facial as a reward after delivering the baby . But really , looking forward to all that comes after delivery . I 'm trying with all my might to be brave and excited and open to whatever happens in labor , but I won 't lie . I 'm scared , and looking towards after it 's done is comforting . Ha I don 't even know anymore . Getting up at 7 : 30 this morning ? Getting dressed in something cute today and getting coffee with Patrick . Haha , I don 't ask for much these days ! We 're setting up and building all the things for him . We built a sidecar sleeper to attach to the bed for him to sleep with us , we 're setting up his room , so that makes me feel good . I also got my hospital bag all packed with clothes for him and me , my favorite Evan Healy oils for massage . . . We don 't really have a birth plan , but I 'm planning on what we can do to deal with pain and be entertained . I kinda think that 's all you can do . Birth is unpredictable , but it 's nice to know I 'm bringing some things that comfort me . That didn 't really answer how I 'm bonding with him . It 's how I 'm bonding with Patrick , which has been incredible ! But bonding with the little guy . . . I 'm reading ' Mindful Birthing ' right now and I really love it . It 's all about bringing meditation into my daily life , and ultimately to my birth experience . To be ok with not knowing , to be ok with whatever I face and stay in the moment , and be ok with whatever choices we make in the delivery room . Basically just how to be present and ride the waves of the experience . I can 't think of anything more important to prepare than that . Deep breaths , and keep coming back to the now with my baby . I know this will help me as a parent too , and to see what the little guy needs and be patient with our new wonderful family . AH so much LOVE ! Well the little man should be almost 4 lbs now , hopefully ! At our last doctor 's appointment Dr . Chang said he was measuring about 1 . 5 weeks behind in weight , so I 'm hoping it was an error or he 's all caught up now . God , it 's hard to not let things like that worry you , when things aren 't " perfect " at each appointment . More on that later . . . My last doctor 's appt I was 20 lbs heavier , but I 'm guessing it 's even more now . I feel so huge sometimes ! And it 's going everywhere , it 's unstoppable ! My body is getting really good at storing fat ! I 'm actually trying to eat more because I noticed some days I wasn 't eating enough , so I 'm trying to get way more of everything - protein , fat , carbs , fruits , veggies . This is becoming a full time job , all the eating and resting . My runs are slowing down majorly too . I pretty much just hike and walk now , run just a tiny bit , do little circuits , and yoga of course . I 'm at the point where I hate wearing clothes and getting dressed . Nothing is comfortable . If I could walk around naked I would . It 's been really hot too , so it 's just a few dresses at this point that fit me . Sleep is good ! No huge complaints ! I have to get up and pee a lot , but I sleep well most of the time , and really want to sleep often . They 're here , finally ! Getting into the thick of it now ! I went to the doctor 's about a week and half ago , and well , yes I have symptoms . Excuse me , I went to the hospital and the doctor . It ended up being totally unnecessary , but it had to be done . I was running ( actually one of the last times I ran more than a mile or 2 ) , and tons of water came out . I thought my water broke ! I 've been doing my Kegel exercises , so I didn 't think it was pee , and it didn 't smell like pee . I called my doctor and he said to come down to the hospital where he was at the time ( also the hospital I 'm delivering at ) . I was realllly scared . The thought of going into labor at 30 weeks and a few days is terrifying . I cried , and Patrick luckily googled stuff and stayed calm for us . He drove us to the hospital , and no more water came out so that was a good sign . They tested me for amniotic fluid and it was negative . So giant PHEW ! What it was , I don 't know . A mixture of cervical fluid and pee ? ( Yeah , these posts are getting less pretty aren 't they ? ! LOL . ) But that was a scare , and I don 't really run now . After we were at the hospital my doctor suggested we come for our tri - weekly appointment which was supposed to be the next day because we were in the area . Full of relief and joy we gladly went to our regular appointment . At which we got some annoying ( but not terrible , obviously ) notifications . One , I have some sort of double indirect hernia . I thought it was round ligament pain , but Dr . Chang thinks it 's a hernia . I probably never noticed it because I didn 't have pressure on it , but now that there 's this baby and placenta up there it 's pushing down . It hurts a little bit and feels like a lump . I can deal with it , but it 's not ideal . It doesn 't effect the baby , so really who cares . Two , we were also told he 's slightly small , which is worrisome , but I 've heard these ultrasound measurements can be wrong . We 're going to see where he 's at in about a week and a half . Not really . Eating this much can be a chore sometimes , but I 've been enjoying cooking and baking a bit more recently . I feel very nesty - like I want to do cozy special things . Patrick and I have been dreaming about moving back East somewhere and getting lots of land and having a house we actually own ! Hoping it will be someday soon : ) Fall ! And obviously meeting him , and feeling what labor will be like . But this time of year is always fun , all the holidays ahead , and we get to have a baby ! It 's hard to get down with those things to look forward to . Being ok with being fatter . It 's lame , but even as a pregnant woman I feel pressure to be " all belly " , and not gain fat elsewhere . But with my body type that 's just now how I do it . I think I could barely eat ( not that I would ever be that stupid ) , and still be putting on weight and fat . Sometimes I compare myself to taller women that seem thin except for their belly , and wish I could be like that . But then , who gives a shit ! ! ! ! I 'm pregnant and my baby is healthy , that 's all I could ever ask for . I am relearning how to love my body , and I know once I go into labor and have this boy I will feel that even more so . It 's a journey , and I have to be super mindful of the thoughts I take in and practice immense gratitude . I 'm focusing on birthing without fear . Easier said than done , that 's for sure . But I know I will have a much easier birth if I go into it with an open mind , a curious mind , and a happy mind . I 'm telling myself I 'm excited , I want to be really relaxed and have a positive experience . I 'm definitely aware stuff can happen , but I 'm trying to be open to all the possibilities of his arrival . He 's kicking right now as I type . I love him so much . I 'm so lucky to have this family of our little babe , Patrick , Byron , and Liam . Me and my boys ! About 3 lbs . If he was born now he would most likely be ok . Which obviously I don 't want , but it 's comforting to know . 20 lbs so far . When I first heard from my doctor to expect to gain 25 - 35 lbs I thought he was crazy . I thought , ' I take care of myself , eat well and exercise , there is NO way that will happen to me . ' Ha well look at me now ! My body just does what it does . I 've surrendered . I take care of myself and eat like I did pre - pregnancy , run ( shorter distances and more slowly ! ) and do weight training and yoga , and still my body stores fat everywhere . None of my shorts or jeans fit over my ass , a lot of my tops are too tight on my arms and back . Whatever . Babe is healthy , I 'm healthy . It 's alllll good ! Thinking I need to design cute maternity shorts . Still mad they don 't exist . I wonder if I should come out with a maternity line ? I feel like the market is super lacking . And stuff can 't be expensive . It 's REALLY hard to put down money on stuff that won 't fit the same in a few months . I 've been living in dresses , athletic clothing , and that 's really all I can squeeze into . I wear a lot of the same clothes over and over . It 's also been like 105 degrees here so . . . yeah , clothes are not easy . Once I fall asleep I am good ! I can sleep for like 10 hours . But I 've been having a little trouble falling asleep . I 'm sure I could change that if I got off my iPhone sooner and had more of a nightly wind - down routine . I need to work on that . Hmmm . . . that 's a tough one ! My life has kinda been business as usual . Pregnancy is getting less comfortable . It 's no big thing yet , but exercising hard is getting , well , hard . And I 'm quite tired . Overall though I 'm pretty happy . Liam 's having some weird hearing issues which is making his mobility tough , Byron is as wild and kind as ever , my relationship with Patrick is deeply wonderful . I am a broken record here , but I 'm realllly lucky ! There are more now ! Kicking is getting more aggressive . Sometimes he gets a limb or his head ( ? ) pushing so hard in one direction and it feels crazy weird until he moves back into a less spread eagle position . Haha , that 's what I 'm picturing anyways . I have 2 sore little lumps below my belly , and from my expert google research I think its round ligament pain . I also pee like 100 times a day now . I feel like the little guy is just stomping on my bladder . He is just living it up in there . Haha ! Overall I believe my pregnancy has been fairly easy and uneventful , which I realize I 'm beyond blessed for . When I read the online baby stuff for the week I always feel relieved to be missing out on a lot of symptoms . None . But I 've been loving making ' Greek meals ' . I honestly don 't even think they 're ' Greek ' , I 've never been to Greece . We just call them that , our Greek dinners . Always some crusty Ciabatta type bread dipped in olive oil , olives , a variety of cheeses , sausage or tuna , and salad . Just easy to make and fun to eat ! None . But definitely thinking about labor these days ! We 're doing a hospital tour this week , I 'm gonna sign up for an online Lamaze class , and we 're doing a birthing class at the hospital in September . Part of me wants to do none of that and pretend it 's just never gonna happen ! Well I guess at this point it 's just meeting the little guy ! There isn 't much else on the immediate horizon . I can truly say though I 'm enjoying the moment and am grateful he 's alive and well in my belly . I 'm sure all will be well with delivery and his birth , but I always have in the back of my mind gratitude for him as he is now , pure and simple . Not wishing for him to be anywhere else . Ugh I did the terrible diabetes test at the doctor , where you drink the most sugary drink in the world in 5 minutes and then can 't drink water . That almost gave me a panic attack . Not quite a milestone right ? But got that over with and don 't have diabetes , and I don 't think I 'm deficient in any nutrients either ! So that 's a relief . I 've been drinking more milk , eating more yogurt , eating more meat ( and of course the usual fruits and veggies ) , to be sure I 'm getting calcium and iron . Lots of oils too : ) So it feels nice to do this all for the little man . Um I guess another milestone would be I 'm beginning to feel more like a sexy pregnant woman . Like , I feel sensual and I freaking LOVE Patrick right now . I have these moments of honeymoon - y feelings where it 's like we just started dating . I love him so much it makes me cry . But then again , I 'm loosely on the brink of crying frequently now . Should probably list that under ' symptoms ' . Forgot about that one . I suppose it 's like my emotions right now are just right there . No filter . I like it . Well the usual I guess ! Meditation and yoga ! I hope taking the time 5 days a week to breathe and relax with him transfers into him being a relaxed person . I rub my belly often and just think about all the love I have for him , the dogs , for Patrick and for my life . It 's a really lovely feeling . Gosh thinking about it right now I just might cry . I 'll leave it at that . Pregnancy is a beautiful time . : ) I haven 't been as on top of my babycenter . com weekly readings . Googling now . . . Ok he 's 2 lbs and the size of a scallion ? ! Hmmm . . a scallion is not a very helpful visual ! Aren 't they skinny ? ! I have my next doctor 's appt next week so I 'll know but I feel like I 'm sort of leveling out at the moment with weight gain . My guess is 17 lbs weight gain ? I definitely feel more bloated and puffier . Getting at least 8 hours a night , but feeling like I need more like 10 hours . I 've been really tired the past couple days . I don 't like that feeling , it makes me feel unmotivated and weird . Getting the yellow crib in the mail and starting to prepare his room ! Patrick and I combined our offices which is actually way cooler than I thought it would be ( we work well together and I get inspired by him ) , and we 're clearing out baby 's room to build crib tomorrow and begin setting it up ! Shit 's getting real ! Kicks galore ! This little guy is active . Legs are still feeling swollen at the end of the day sometimes , but no visible swelling . I am loving how I haven 't gotten a pimple since I got pregnant , and I could reallly get used to this body hair barely growing thing . I 'm still running or hiking and doing yoga 5 times a week , but it 's getting more challenging on some days . Today I just couldn 't get myself to do it . I felt too exhausted . I added in 2 days of moderate circuit training ( push ups / squats / 12 lb weight exercises / lunges / etc ) to my workout because my runs are becoming much more like run walks . I 'm enjoying getting my heart rate up but stopping once my body tells me to . Overall I feel really good and most days I forget I 'm even pregnant until I feel kicking and look down at my growing belly . : ) Seeing the nursery all set up . His room is going to be beautiful ! We got so many wonderful and thoughtful gifts at my baby shower in Connecticut 2 weeks ago and I can 't wait to get them all arranged and ready in our sweet boy 's room . We 're also really just looking forward to the little guy 's life . He 's got it all before him , and we have so much goodness awaiting us ! Babyhood and him being our helpless guy , then growing into a fun little kid , becoming a wild teenager , and then becoming an adult that is our friend . It just feels like all good . Not that it will all be easy , but it will all be awesome in its own way . I haven 't had a doctor 's appt in a bit , so nothing new to report so much . I did have a sweet dream about our boy last night in which he started walking at like 4 months ! Gah ! We were like ' Shit ! Not yet please ! ' But he was pudgy and blonde and sweet and cuddly . It made me feel like I know him already . He 's gonna be SO loved . Patrick played us music on the guitar while I did yoga today . I felt like it was for me and our boy , so that was really sweet . I tell him I love him all the time during the day , meditate on him as soon as I wake up , and feel love for him when I 'm loving on the dogs . The dogs will always be my precious babies , and they were the ones that taught me to love and care for someone that really needs you . So I 've been trying to focus on my love for them so perhaps those loving feelings will transfer to our baby and the dog 's little bro . ; ) Those dogs are gonna love being big brothers . How far along ? 24 weeks tomorrow : ) How big is the peanut ? Over a lb now , and a foot long ! Total weight gain / loss ? I 'm not sure , but I would guess 15 lbs . Maternity clothes ? REALLY need maternity shorts ! Cute ones . They are really hard to find . Anyone have any suggestions ? Still rocking my yoga clothes , but some of my Purushas with elastic in the waist are getting uncomfortable . I 'm still wearing a lot of dresses from pre - preg , but they are MUCH shorter now because of my ass and stomach and boobs . Ha ! Sleep ? Still great . Love sleeping so much . Favorite part of my day ! I 've definitely been feeling more tired than usual , and it does feel harder to change positions while laying down . Also my legs feel more swelling at the end of the day so I put them up on pillows sometimes while sleeping , or Patrick will hold them in the air and move them around for me which is heaven . Best moment this week ? It 's pretty awesome to see him kicking from outside my stomach ! I can just look down now when I feel some big kicks and see my stomach having a party ! It 's very cute ! Also got a few baby shower gifts in the mail which continues to make things more real . I am so grateful to receive presents for the little one , each means SO much to me and I know I will think of who gave it each time I use it . I 'm getting excited to set up his room too ! Symptoms ? So much kicking ! ! ! Sometimes when I 'm out in public and wearing something tight I feel like people must see the kicking ! Speaking of being out in public , I 've definitely noticed people taking more kindly to me and smiling and wanting to say something . There was this sweet woman in Whole Foods a week or so ago and she told me I looked ' sooo cute ' , which kinda meant the world to me . Anyone out there that wants to offer a compliment to a pregnant woman and isn 't sure to say anything - PLEASE DO ! Sometimes I just feel so un - cute and sticky and just FAT , so for a stranger to compliment me is so incredibly sweet . I ran into the same woman at Whole Foods this week and again she told me how cute I was . AgHappy 4th of July ! Total weight gain / loss ? 13 lbs . Doctor says I 'm perfect , hehe ; ) I haven 't changed my eating or exercise routine very much , but my ass and thighs are definitely bigger just ' cause . That 's a trip for me , but I know it 's for the best possible cause . Maternity clothes ? Welp , I must say I am having a love affair with Victoria 's Secret sleepwear . Like more than love , obsession . Haha ! It all started with the semi - annual sale , and I kinda couldn 't believe how beautiful I now feel in a pretty teddy PJ dress . Or matching camisole and shorts . I know Vic 's Secret is not the most ethically made stuff , but MAN it makes me feel beautiful and feminine and sexy ! Like , I don 't even care if Patrick notices , I just love how it feels to wear silk shorts with a soft matching tank and a silken kimono robe . I look so forward now to getting in my nighttime clothing , and it 's the most comfortable stuff I own . Still going strong wearing my Purusha yoga pants , and lots of dresses . Dresses are my savior . I think I need maternity shorts though . It 's been sooo hot here ( at least 90 ) , and sometimes shorts are the most practical thing . Best moment this week ? Hmmm , right now it really kinda feels like a whirlwind . Time is going by quickly , and Patrick and I have both been busy with work so it 's just kinda a blur looking back . I had my final fetal anomaly exam and our little man is developing perfectly ! All organs and baby parts and my blood levels are as they should be ! I think the best moment was the song Patrick wrote for our boy on my birthday . It 's called ' Plannin ' on Adventure ' , and it 's a little bit of a country song . When Patrick played it for me in bed on my birthday night I just bawled my eyes out . Couldn 't stop . I am one lucky lady ! Symptoms ? Baby is kicking a lot , boobs itch sometimes . That 's really it . Second trimester is the best ! Oh and my hair is less oily , my I think my hair and nails are growing faster . No stretch marks . Food cravings ? Not really ! I 'm eating exactly the same as I did before I got pregnant . Trying though to get more iron and eat plenty of fruits , veggies , and meat . Wine , always . My thighs not rubbing together when I walk . LOL . But seriously , I don 't really miss anything . Just being present and enjoying the ride . What I 'm looking forward to ? My baby shower ! I 'm flying to Connecticut in a few weeks to gather with friends and family so I 'm really excited about that . Looking forward to cuddling with the dogs in bed tonight . I love all my boys so much . Milestones ? We started talking to our doctor about delivery ! It 's becoming more real ! My doctor , Dr . Chang , is really really great . He 's a very non - interventionist kind of doctor , which I 've heard is rare . He 's so kind and gentle , and really wants my birth to be how I want it to be as long as baby and me are healthy . Dr . Chang also works with a mid - wife so I can choose to have her or him at my delivery . We 'll be meeting her in a few weeks , but as of now I feel super attached to Dr . Chang , and am envisioning him being there and perhaps a Doula as well . Of course I do want to deliver naturally , but I am not going to have such a tight plan that I 'll be upset if something changes . I 'm open to fate , but I do want to feel what it 's like to have a baby in all it 's painful wonderfulness . Patrick and I are going to sign up for a birthing class at the hospital , and I 'm going to start reading stuff ! Any suggestions ? Bump ? Love my bump ! It 's definitely apparent I 'm pregnant now , but still I can tell people don 't want to ask . So it 's not at that point yet where it 's 100 % clear . I like to dance sometimes in the kitchen with Patrick ( and by dancing I mean the dumbest looking moves or the laziest looking moves you 've ever seen ) and rub my belly a lot . Always meditating with baby and telling him I love him . I start every weekday morning with sitting in bed holding my belly and telling him how he 's doing so well and is peaceful and joyful . I 've been singing him his song . I 've been doing lots of yoga and kegel exercises . : ) Happy happy times ! Total weight gain / loss ? My last doctor 's appt on May 20th I gained a total of I think 9 lbs so far ? I can 't remember . And I am amazed that I can 't remember ! Usually I always weigh the same weight , and was a little worried about weight gain during my pregnancy . Stupid egotistical body issue / dysmorphia pop culture brainwashing stuff that I used to deal with as a younger girl . I find myself not caring at all . Patrick still thinks I 'm hot ( right Pat ? ! ) , I 'm creating a baby in my belly , and he 's doing incredibly well ! Lately I 've just been feeling blessings all around . Life 's not perfect of course , but I am extremely grateful for everything I have right now . More so than ever . My life feels like a magical dream . Maternity clothes ? I 've been really enjoying my Paige black maternity jeans ! And my Purusha organic cotton fold over waist yoga pants are still so great and comfy . I am beginning to feel like I can wear tighter clothing again soon because it 's becoming more apparent that I am in fact pregnant and not just hosting a beer belly . Haha ! Sleep is still really good ! I 'm getting about 8 hours a night , but I feel like I could get more . I 'm trying to go to bed earlier to get 9 hours , but it 's hard . We always eat dinner late . I got my first weird and uncomfortable muscle cramp in one leg the other night , that was annoying . Best moment this week ? Well there are a couple ! First one was going to the doctor and him confirming the baby is growing well , seeing his bones - his miraculous and perfect spine and his leg and arm bones , and doctor confirming baby is definitely a boy ! Damn I cry at EVERY doctor 's appt . They feel like such gifts , I look forward to them . It 's like a special time to connect deeply with my boy . Come to think of it . . . I cry at sooo many things now . Cried watching Back to the Future last night . LOL . My massage with my friend Linnea was also a highlight last week . I could reaaally get used to doing that . It . was . heaven ! So healing for pregnant mamas ! The other huge best moment was I felt the little man kicking for the first time last Sunday ! ! I was taking the train back from Santa Barbara from visiting my sister and I felt it ! First it felt really soft , so I wasn 't sure , but then I felt one huge kick from him and I just knew . Then the kicking continued off and on the rest of the train ride home . It really feels like there 's someone in your stomach moving around , it 's the strangest thing . Of course , I cried and smiled to myself while looking out at the Southern California countryside . It was a moment I know I will never ever forget . Now I just feel him kicking allll the time . It 's so precious ! I feel more connected to him than I ever have , and even Patrick felt him kicking when putting his hand on my belly . He seems like he sleeps in , doesn 't start kicking a lot until like 10 , so fingers crossed he won 't wake up too early in the future ! Our baby boy also seems to kick a lot while I 'm eating . Patrick and I joke he 's like , ' OH YEAH ! Mama , I love this french toast . This is delicious ! Soccer kick to the gut ! ' For some reason when Patrick and I talk for the baby or the dogs we always make it sound a little like Matthew McConaughey 's voice . It 's really weird , and funnier to me than I think is normal . Symptoms ? I feel really tired at the end of the day . Lots and lots of baby kicks . I need to drink more water than I think , or else I get dizzy . I think that 's about it . It feels very easy right now , so I 'm trying to soak that up ! Food cravings ? LOVING eating . I feel like I am getting some cravings . I can ignore them , they 're not like driving me insane . But I want chocolate pudding really bad . I haven 't bought any yet , I think I need to make it myself . I want it to be as good as I 'm imagining and I just know jell - o pudding isn 't going to cut it . I 'm really enjoying 8 oz of coffee everyday . I didn 't even drink coffee before I got pregnant , but my doctor suggested drinking it to help with headaches ( he explained how it worked with my blood , but I can 't remember ) . Now I really look forward to my little cup with heavy cream in it . Still drinking , but whatever . Being pregnant beats drinking any day ! I miss wearing a lot of my clothing . I open my closet and look at some clothes and wonder how I could fit into such a small t - shirt ? ! What I 'm looking forward to ? Seriously excited to meet him . So many small things make him more and more real . One thing I did the other day was set up a baby registry for my shower and it was SO much fun ! Picking out clothes , bottles , furniture , etc for him further creates his little identity to me . I keep longing for him in a soft organic white onesie with little pants on , smelling all good and holding him so close . BUT I know every moment of this beautiful journey is special and a gift , so I 'm not in a hurry . I 'm just enjoying , and excited ! Milestones ? Well we decided on a name ! I guess people don 't share their names with people ? Will someone please tell me why that is ? Is it really just a bad luck thing ? Because that just seems silly and I am not superstitious . Or do people really think the name they chose is so special and wonderful that others are just going to steal it all over the place ? ! I want to spill the beans , but I feel like I shouldn 't ? Help ! Bump ? It 's not very much bigger than 3 weeks ago . I can 't believe how small it is for being half way through my pregnancy . I guess from what I 'm reading I should start getting bigger more rapidly now as the baby is putting on more weight . I 'm very intrigued and excited for what my body will look like ! Still meditating with him almost everyday . I 'm telling him and I : We are healthy . We are peaceful . We are joyful . We have enough , we are good enough . I love you so much already . My friend Ianthe also gave me a great idea I 'm super excited about ! She told me she sung a song to her babies in the womb , and when she continued to sing it to them after birth when they were upset they would remember it and calm down . The song I chose popped in my head immediately . The first little boy I ever really loved was baby Alex that I babysat for in Burlington VT while in college . I think I was 20 years old at the time . He had a lullaby CD I would put in while bouncing him on an exercise ball to get him to fall asleep for a nap . My favorite song on there was ' Out of the Woods ' by Nickel Creek . When it came on I would sing along softly to him . Those moments were so peaceful , and I had a tiny tiny glimpse of what it might be like to be a mama . Fast forward 5 years . I was falling in love with Patrick , probably still within the first year or so we met . We would just hang out in his bedroom because we barely worked and both lived with our parents . Patrick would always be playing the guitar , or showing me something on his computer , or playing me music he 'd discovered . One day he played the entire Nickel Creek self titled album , and I heard Alex and I 's lullaby ! I didn 't know who the artist was when I sung it to him , but something about hearing Patrick play it for me just made me feel like I 'd come full circle . Like , this man was someone I loved in an infinite way , and he knew things about me I 'd never even told him . And woah mama , it 's full circle many many times as I play and sing ' Out of the Woods ' for our baby on the piano . It is pure magic , and I can 't even explain to you how lucky I feel . My life is so beautiful right now . 16 weeks yesterday ! And it was my first ' Mother 's Day ' yesterday ( kinda , right ? ) . Patrick 's mom was here visiting and it was so sweet to have her . I hope to be as kind of a mom as her ! ( Melissa , we miss you ! ) Total weight gain / loss ? This might not be a great question for me because I don 't have a scale . Definitely feeling like I 've gained 10 lbs though . . . I 'll know at my next appointment in a week or so . Maternity clothes ? OK YES ! This is what I want to talk about ! And don 't get me started on maternity jeans ! I just got my first pair and they are heaven ! Why can 't we always wear them ? ? Soooo comfortable ! I did a little shopping on Nordstrom Rack online and got some really pretty dresses , a loose blouse , and black skinny maternity jeans . The clothes are a game changer for me . The first few months of pregnancy I just felt really sick , and kinda ugly . And the past few weeks I 've just felt fat really , because some of my clothes just don 't fit the way they used to . So that didn 't allow me to feel like a pregnant mama goddess , ya know ? New clothes that flatter and fit are changing my whole perspective on the changes my body is going through . I can now embrace my growing body , and honestly feel like a divine feminine - fertile - beautiful woman right now ! I 'm seeing myself in a way I never have before , and I really have clothes that fit to thank . Next post I 'll get Patrick to take a photo of me in my favorite new maxi dress . ( So much better than an iPhone photo in harem pants in the bathroom , but hey that 's me today in real life . ) ; ) Best moment this week ? Maternity clothes . Plus I like them so much I know I 'll wear them even after my pregnancy . Also , Patrick 's mom being here and making us cookies . Hehe . Symptoms ? Not many ! I really can almost forget I 'm pregnant at this point . My boobs feel weird , like hard and soft in different places so that 's new . Food cravings ? I feel pretty much back to normal food wise . No big cravings , but I like food again so that 's AMAZING . What I 'm looking forward to ? Setting up the little one 's room ! Seeing Patrick be an amazing Dad . Getting my second blood drawing over with next week . Coming out with a Purusha People maternity yoga line and mama & me yoga line in the future ! Milestones ? Seeing myself as a beautiful pregnant woman for sure . Being ok with weight gain because I know I 'm creating a safe little nest for my baby . Just becoming a temple of life and realizing my full potential as a woman . I have a feeling being a Mom is going to complete me as a woman and a person in ways I can 't imagine . I 'm trying to meditate daily on my little dude . I tell him he 's healthy , has abundance , is good , is calm , is peaceful , is loved already so much . I feel like it 's really important to stop and fully dedicate myself to thinking about him once a day . I also feel like I need to start playing the piano to him . I thought it would be fun to document my pregnancy for my family , friends , myself , and for my future baby . It 's such a special time , and I really am trying to cherish it . I 'm going to follow a format that some bloggers do : ) Total weight gain / loss ? Last doctor 's appointment at 11 or so weeks I gained 6 lbs . This is a struggle for me . I love my baby already of course , but I can 't help but wonder if it 's too early to gain weight . Early pregnancy is hard because I don 't quite look ' cute ' and big , but just a little chubby . Haha ! I know every woman is different and I 'm really trying to let go and trust my body . Maternity clothes ? Well I just realized looking at photos of myself sitting down in my yoga pants above that I am seriously muffin topping at this point . It 's hard / weird to buy clothes that you know are temporary , but I can see soon I won 't have a choice . My jeans still go on but they 're pretttty uncomfortable ! I 'm letting myself sleep as much as I want . At least 8 hours a night . I know in the future I won 't have this luxury so I 'm trying to live it up ! My sleep is really good right now . Also , I 'm not working quite as much . Really trying to be gentle with myself and listen to my body . Best moment this week ? Definitely definitely getting my ultrasound and blood test for genetic abnormalities and it coming back with very low numbers ! And as always seeing my sweet little dude moving around and hearing it 's heartbeat during the ultrasound . It always makes me cry . : ) Symptoms ? Well I have a stomachache right now . I still have a funny appetite where certain foods gross me out ( vegetable and chicken - yuck ) , but I am SO much better than I was a few weeks ago ! Good lord ! I miss being really hungry though . Food cravings ? I wish ! I can 't wait for that ! ! ! I want to want food so badly ! Gender ? Ultrasound doctor said 99 % sure it 's a boy ! I 'm really excited , we wanted a boy . BUT there 's always the chance he could have been wrong . We 'll hopefully have a 100 % in a few weeks . What I 'm looking forward to ? Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with my desire to meet our little guy ! I know pregnancy is a wonderful time of life , especially the first time , so I am trying to soak it up . But I just want whatever brings me closer to meeting him . Really excited to feel some kicks ! I keep trying to focus on feeling them , because they 're happening already , but it 's so hard to know what it feels like when I 've never felt them before . Also can 't wait to see what a great Dad Patrick is going to be . ; ) Milestones ? Hmmm it still feels so early on that I don 't know if I 've had anyway . I feel like it 's a milestone that we got pregnant quickly and the baby is healthy at every checkup ! It feels like a miracle . Patrick and I keep joking they 'll do the ultrasound and be like . . . There 's nothing in there . This whole thing 's a sham . Or something . It 's just incredible this baby is growing and doing everything it 's supposed to do ! Bump ? I have one ! But like I said , it still looks like I 'm just fat . I can 't wear tight tops anymore because it looks like I have a weird big gut , and when I wear loose clothes you can 't tell I 'm pregnant at all . I 'm looking forward to having a bigger bump ! Patrick is too ! It 's so neat to see your body change . I 'm not sure I 'll answer these questions every pregnancy post , but it 's good for now ! I also want to add what my baby boy ( I think ! ) is doing to me mentally . Here 's his latest photo : He 's helping me to see the big picture in life , something I struggle with . He 's helping me to stay calm and peaceful ( cortisol does cross over from the mama to the baby ! So crazy ! ) , and prioritize my life . I obviously want to be a good role model to our guy , so I really want to continue to notice and eliminate bad habits . I didn 't want to be the kind of parent that is obsessed with her kid , but I might be . Haha ! I don 't know , but I just really love him already . I think he 's the cutest little guy I 've ever seen . I can 't wait to see who this little person will be . Alright that 's it for now ! Feeling so much love all around ! XO !
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Thanksgiving . There are a lot of stereotypes about Thanksgiving - - from the food , to the football , to the day after shopping insanity . But the number one stereotype about Thanksgiving is the stressful family time . There are jokes about stuffing the turkey with Prozac , holding an intervention , or drinking to make it bearable . I get these jokes . I laugh at them , sometimes uncontrollably , but they are not me and my family . No one at my Thanksgiving is an alcoholic . Or a drug addict . Or really anything other than our own special brand of crazy . Let 's start with me - - I am the most obvious choice since I am the one with the addictive personality . I am not an alcoholic , or a drug addict , but I DO have my addictions - - Facebook , this blog , coffee , Coke , my iPhone , sleep . . . . the list is long . So as I would sit with my coffee and Coke on the table in front of me with my iPhone in hand as I checked Facebook and my blog wishing that I could take a nap after the big Thanksgiving meal , my family would try to reason with me . But I wouldn 't hear them because I would be too busy updating my status . Then there are my kids . They are all addicted to making messes , but they have their own addictions too . We 'd try to reason with the oldest boy about his Lego addiction - - how it simply was not normal to not be able to come to the dinner table , watch TV or go to the bathroom without bringing a handful of Legos along with you . We 'd try , in vain , to get the oldest girl to realize that it was simply odd the way she writes " I Love Justin Beiber " on everything she owns . Our pleas with the youngest girl that as awesome as the color yellow is , there are other colors that she can wear , other crayons that she can use , and other foods that she can eat that are NOT yellow , would fall on deaf ears . And telling the 3 year old that dinosaurs were not , in fact , the only animals in the world would be an exercise in futility . We could try to tell my father - in - law that it was indeed possible to come visit us without repairing something , painting something , cleaning something , or knocking holes in our walls . We could plead with him that he could come visit us for more than 36 hours because whoever he was digging a pool for , or building a deck or fence for , or renovating for would understand that this was Thanksgiving . But he would be too busy taking something we own apart to improve it and would probably never hear a word we said . ( This is not an exaggeration - - he has been in my house for less than 5 hours and already has plans for 6 different " projects " he wants to complete while he is here . ) Then there is my mother - in - law . Everyone always talks about how they can 't stand their mother - in - law , but mine is great . The only intervention that she needs is that she is not , in fact , Santa . She doesn 't just shower my kids with " stuff " at the holidays , although it is definitely worse during the last few months of the year . No , she buys them stuff all year long . All they have to do is ask and she will do everything within her power ( and credit limit ) to make it happen . Should we try to intervene with her at Thanksgiving , she would not hear us because she would have the Toys R Us Big Book Of Toys on her lap and be surrounded by the 4 minions chanting choruses of " I want that , and that , and that and . . . " Finally at our Thanksgiving table is my husband . I cannot think of one thing I need to intervene with him about . The only things that he is addicted to are me and throwing his dirty clothes on the floor . I can live with that . I will take my family with all of their quirks because they are awesome and we all love each other - - warts and all . I hope that you are able to enjoy your family this Thanksgiving as much as I will enjoy mine . Take a little time to appreciate the flaws that make them even more lovable . I know I am a nag , but could you take a second and click on the button at the top , right - hand side of the page that says " Vote For Me @ Top Mommy Blogs ? " You do not have to register , give an email address , or anything - - just click the button . Once their site comes up , you 're done . You can close the window . I used to be # 9 , and now I am dangerously close to falling out of the Top 25 ! You can vote EVERYDAY ! And since votes reset every 30 days , I 'd love it if you did . ( FYI , you can vote on the 2011 Bloggers Choice Awards if you want , but they DO require a registration where you have to give your email address . However , it is a one - time - only thing . I would love to win one of these awards , but based on the 30 votes that I have gotten , it isn 't looking too promising . ) It 's 2 days until Thanksgiving and a large portion of my Facebook friends have posted statuses and pictures of their Christmas trees that are already up and decorated . They say things like " I just LOVE Christmas ! " They claim that they put their tree ( or in some cases " trees " ) up early so that they can enjoy them longer . I also have friends who are done - - yes FINISHED - - with their Christmas shopping . They have bought all of their gifts for friends and family , their stocking stuffers , and even have some ( if not all ) of it wrapped and under one of their meticulously decorated Christmas trees . Their husbands have strung umpteen dozen strands of lights on the outside of their houses and they have nativity scenes and inflatable snowmen on their lawns . Why would I ? We go " home " for Christmas . We wouldn 't be here to enjoy it . We don 't have room for a tree anyway . I have to side - step random piles of toys , laundry , and other crap on any given day in my house , so putting up a tree where we would pile wrapped up new toys or clothes seems a little ridiculous . Also , our kids get ONE present from Santa and ONE present from their dad and I because they also get presents from Grandma , Grandmother , Aunt Betty , Aunt Martha , Aunt Willa and Uncle Jon , etc . And OUR Santa doesn 't wrap his presents because he is too busy - - he has to get to every single kid on the planet within 24 hours . Santa comes to Grandmother 's house where he puts the toys and gifts unwrapped on the hearth right next to the stockings . A wonderful blog that I follow , Snarky In The Suburbs , has dubbed this maniacal early decorating and boasting , er , I mean POSTING about it on Facebook " Competitive Christmas . " I am not saying that all of my friends are in competition - - I happen to know quite a few who truly just love Christmas and would probably put their tree ( s ) up in September if they thought that they could get away with it . But there are some who I KNOW put up their trees right after Halloween , have all of their shopping finished before the Black Friday ads are even printed , and begin their Christmas cookies as soon as the Thanksgiving turkey comes out of the oven and then post pictures of all of their wrapped presents along with statuses about how THEY get to relax and enjoy the holidays because THEY planned ahead . Here is what I hear when I see that crap " I am better than you . " Well , no you 're not . What you are is slightly insane . You are the same people who would poll all of your friends in school to see what they made on the test and then tell them that you did better . You are the same people who have to drive the better car , have the better TV , wear the better clothes , etc . You don 't try to " keep up with the Joneses " - - you try to BE the Joneses . Here 's what you should know - - I do not plan my life around what you do at Christmas or on any other day of the year . I do not participate in " Competitive Christmas " nor do I try to live my life in an attempt to keep up with anyone . How exhausting ! I cannot imagine how disappointed I might be in myself if I was always trying to be as organized or as neat or as rich or as frugal or as ANYTHING as all of my friends . I do admire a lot of those things and mimic them at times , but to focus on trying to be the best at everything is impossible . I have enough crazy in my life without actively participating in your brand of " nuts . " So , you win . You are better at Christmas than I am . I will no doubt realize on Christmas Eve as I huddle in the bathroom at my mom 's house wrapping the presents to my kids from their dad and me to avoid being discovered , that I forgot someone , or that one kid has been shortchanged in the stocking department , or that I don 't have enough bows . And this will result in me sending the husband out at midnight on Christmas Eve to go to the CVS or Walgreens , or down to the corner convenience store to pick up something to make it all work . Next February , when I finally get around to cleaning out that closet under the stairs , I will find the toy that I bought on clearance 3 years ago for my child who has since outgrown it . I will probably not get Christmas cards done at all , but if I do they will never compare to the full on North Pole scene that you set up in your front yard in August with your shiny happy family all decked out in matching Christmas sweaters for the professional photographer that you hired . And I will most likely top off the kid 's stockings with left over Halloween candy , if I remember to pack it . But I will probably enjoy Christmas every bit as if not more than you because I forfeit . I am not competing . See , you can 't really " win " at Christmas . If I ever have neighbors who decorate like that house , I am sooooo doing this . Today , I am trying to remain calm and therefore I will be ranting about my Thanksgiving prep . Not because it is incredibly funny or interesting , but just because I need to get it all out so that I can realize just how far behind I am , and then I can properly panic and freak out . I bought a turkey this weekend . I opted for a fresh one , as I usually do , but I had to get a bigger one than I wanted . I do not know why , but every year it seems that I either cannot find a turkey big enough or I can 't find one small enough . Last year , we had extra people for Thanksgiving ( some good friends who are just as far away from their extended families as we are ) and I needed a 20 pound turkey . Every store I went to had 12 - 15 pound turkeys , but nothing bigger . This year it was the opposite . I went to 4 different stores and all of the turkeys were 20 - 25 pounds . My mother - in - law does not eat poultry - - no chicken , no duck , and no turkey . Not even on Thanksgiving . When SHE doesn 't eat something , my girls all of a sudden don 't eat it either . So the husband , the father - in - law , and the 2 boys and I are the ones who will be eating turkey - - all 14 1 / 2 pounds of it . The mother - in - law is bringing a ham , which I love , but which will further diminish the need for the big turkey . I am also making home - canned green beans with carrots , mashed potatoes , sweet potato souffle , asparagus , homemade bread , and , of course - - rice . My in - laws are Puerto Rican , we have to have rice with every meal . And I am Southern . It doesn 't matter that we HAVE to have rice , because we also HAVE to have sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes . And green beans from Costco will not do - - they have to be ones that my mother canned this summer cooked with fat - back for most of the day leading up to dinner . Its a rule . So the menu is set . Now on to the cleaning . Crap . This is ALWAYS an issue at my house , Thanksgiving or not . This week the minions are out of school . My husband , in his oblivion , said " Good , they can help you clean . " Yeah , right . Trying to clean with 4 kids in theAnd there is the constant need to purge the crap - - we are in the throes of a full - on pre - Christmas purge . The kids don 't want to get rid of ANYTHING and their dad and I want to get rid of EVERYTHING . We know that in a few short weeks " Santa " ( AKA Grandma and Grandmother ) will load them down with so much stuff that there will be no room for us to move in this house . Why do kids get so attached to meaningless crap ? I went to give away a pillow that is all ratty and dirty and has Disney Princesses on it ( my girls don 't even like Disney Princesses ) and you would have thought I was trying to give away the family dog . My nearly 10 year old son is pouting because I threw away a box that was torn up and laying flat on the floor of his room because he had drawn on it with crayons . It . Was . A . BOX . A torn up box at that . It is really annoying . It is almost time for lunch now . I will have to get the kitchen dirty to make the 5 kids here lunch , serve it on the previously cleaned table , and watch as thousands of crumbs are dropped onto my previously cleaned floor . And I will have to do this amid numerous protests over what is being served . After lunch there will be an entire hour or more trying to re - motivate the minions to get back to work . I was hoping to have the house completely cleaned up by tomorrow . Tomorrow is Lorelei 's 5th birthday . I hate to try and make them clean up when it is supposed to be a day to celebrate Lorelei . We have gotten her presents , we have ordered a pull - apart - cupcake - cake , and we have promised her that she can have cheese - sticks from Sonic for dinner since that is her absolute favorite thing in the world . Two weeks from now , the oldest turns 10 , and 4 days after Christmas , the 7 year old turns 8 . All of these birthdays mean that the Christmas haul will only be half of what comes into this house over the next few weeks . ( Sigh ) I suppose that means that I should get off of here and get to work . . . . . " Initial contacts with the infected are extremely traumatic , causing shock , panic , disbelief and possibly denial , hampering survivors ' ability to deal with hostile encounters . " That is the Wikipedia description for the Zombie Apocalypse , but it is true of Black Friday as well . Two years ago , I took my husband out on Black Friday . We went to 3 stores . We started at Toys R ' Us where we stood in a line outside of the store in the freezing temperatures for over an hour , then we were literally herded like cattle into the store and out again . His eyes were wide with disbelief as a woman several aisles over from us had a complete claustrophobic breakdown . We then went on to Wal - mart . He stood in line for a GPS while I went to get in line for digital picture frames . At the appointed time , when the deals were released , there was an audible roar from the center of the store . My husband had the following exchange with a young guy next to him in the GPS line : 1 ) Large masses of " people " all in mindless pursuit of the same thing . Zombies are often depicted as slow - moving creatures in pursuit of brains , while Black Friday shoppers are in pursuit of deals . Seriously , the next time you see the news footage from your local Toys R ' Us on Black Friday , it will not be hard for you to imagine them in pursuit of brains instead of Barbies . 2 ) The bigger the city , the worse it is . I realize that the Black Friday insanity has intensified over the past decade , but 12 years ago , I participated when I lived in Huntsville , AL . It was no small town , but it was nothing like what I witnessed 2 years ago here in DFW . Similarly , in a Zombie Apocalypse , things are far worse in heavily populated areas . 3 ) Everyone has a plan for survival , very few actually work . In a Zombie Apocalypse , everyone has a plan to survive . Similarly , Black Friday shoppers have plans - - they map out the stores , make detailed schedules , and arm themselves with coupons and discount shopper cards . The problem is that there are thousands of other people who are attempting the same things and they don 't give a crap what your plan is . They will mow you down in a heartbeat to get to that $ 400 big screen TV that normally retails for $ 1 , 000 , and then they ' l pick over the stuff you dropped . In a Zombie Apacolypse , the military blocks roads , mass exoduses of large urban areas cause traffic jams , and lack of services like tow - trucks and police turn highways into parking lots . If you have ever tried to go out to pick up something from the grocery store on Black Friday then you are painfully aware that the traffic sucks that day . Even if you don 't have to venture close to an actual mall or mega - mart , just getting to and from Kroger can be a monumental task . 5 ) The smell of the crowd resembles rotting flesh . I don 't know if it is the fact that they were in such a hurry to get in line that they forgot to shower and wear deodorant , or if it is the fact that they 're still digesting that huge Thanksgiving meal , but Black Friday shoppers , as a general rule , REEK . When you get that many people in a confined space the smells alone are enough to induce panic . 6 ) There is a complete lack of intelligent thought processes . They fact that people camp outside of stores prior to the sales is indication enough that there has been a breakdown of civilization . But should you venture out to Wal - Mart or Toys R ' Us on Black Friday , you will witness things like 60 year old women climbing over displays , seemingly normal people fighting over electronics and toys , and mothers who most likely try to teach their kids to be kind , caring , individuals ready to cut someone over the last " Tickle Me Elmo . " 7 ) The affliction is highly contagious . Just being pushed around by the masses is enough to turn you into one of them . Zombies infect you with a bite , but Black Friday shoppers can infect you simply by touching you , pressing up against you , and shuffling you around . 8 ) You strongly believe that you are the only ' normal ' one . The uninfected in a Zombie Apocalypse often feel as if they are sole survivors . When they are forced to enter infested areas they are fearful because they just know that they stick out like a sore thumb . When a normal person attempts to go shop on Black Friday they have the same feeling . However , much like the Zombies who are unaware of their infection , Black Friday Shoppers are completely oblivious to the fact that their behavior is not normal . Yesterday was supposed to be the start of a week - long cleaning binge . Sadly , it was not . Instead , it was spent shuttling kids to school , then to preschool , then BACK to the school to check a kid out to take her to the doctor , then on to the imaging center to have her knee x - rayed only to discover that the x - ray machine there was down , back to the doctor 's office for new paperwork for another imaging place , got the x - rays done , take child back to school , run to Lowe 's to grab drain cleaner & a new paint brush , pick up kids from preschool , go to grocery store , pick up kids from school , come home , and make dinner . So no cleaning was done at all . This morning , I am taking some time with the computer and a pot of coffee before attempting to clean anything . I have a post rattling around in my head that I thought about all day yesterday , so I 'm gonna go and try to get that done and then I 'll start the cleaning . Maybe . As I was running all over the place yesterday , I couldn 't help noticing all of the Christmas decorations and advertisements that were EVERYWHERE . They started right after Halloween - - or in some cases , BEFORE Halloween . There was a mini - Christmas tree on the reception desk at the doctor 's office . A wreath adorned the door of the imaging center where I took my kid to get her x - rays . Lowe 's had an entire 3 aisle section dedicated to Christmas . The speakers at the grocery store played " It 's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year . " I love Christmas . It IS the most wonderful time of the year . But , here 's the thing : It is NOT Christmas yet . It isn 't even Thanksgiving yet . I haven 't even got all of my Halloween stuff put away yet . Where are the turkeys ? The pilgrims and Indians ? The cornucopias ? ? ! What is the big hurry to usher in the fat man in his red suit ? Before we spend more money than we should on things we don 't really need to impress people we really don 't even like , shouldn 't we take the time to appreciate all of the stuff we have ? Shouldn 't we MAKE TIME to celebrate our family and friends and the fact that we are grateful for them ? Seriously , look around your house - - do you even have room for more stuff ? Thanksgiving is supposed to be about family . And being grateful about what we have . It has become nothing more than a speed bump on the super highway to Christmas , which has become about getting more stuff . I have a very difficult time decking the halls when I am still divvying up Halloween candy to my kids . This rush to " celebrate " Christmas has nothing to do with the traditional " Peace on Earth " or " Goodwill Towards Mankind " that it should be about . Nope , its all about the pursuit of more stuff . I love buying gifts . I USED to love Black Friday . But now , retailers , in an attempt to one up one another have taken to opening on Thanksgiving day for their mega deals . Wal - mart , Toys R Us , and several others are opening not at 4 or 5 AM on Black Friday , but at some point on Thanksgiving ! So if you want to get those deals , you have to forgo the Thanksgiving meal with your family and go fight the crowds and stand in lines . And those who work there have to give up their holidays so that you can . It is ridiculous . Amid all of the " Occupy " movements to protest big business , I guarantee that this will be a big year for them . Well not from me . I 'm tired of being rushed into Christmas . I 'm tired of trying to budget all year for one blow - out day of shopping where I need to be in six different stores at exactly 4 AM when they release the good deals . I 'm tired of feeling that I have to have everything picked out for every person on my Christmas list by the week of Thanksgiving . And I am tired of big companies making me feel like I must be crazy to willingly miss out on their super deals . A big screen TV for under $ 500 ? ? ! You 'd better buy that ! A Blu - Ray player for under $ 50 ? ? ! You NEED it ! ! Your kid wants this toy that normally sells for $ 75 , but between 4 and 5 AM on Black Friday we 'll sell it for $ 29 . 99 ! ! ! You better hurry though - - there are only 3 per store . Bull . I 'm sick of it . I am boycotting Black Friday . And I am boycotting any company this Christmas that deprives their employees of their Thanksgiving Holiday . Doctors , nurses , police , and fire fighters HAVE to work on holidays - - the services that they provide are essential . Someone 's life may very well depend upon them going to work . They willingly sacrifice for the greater good . Some mom or dad who works at K - Mart to feed their kids , should not have to give up this very special day with them just so you can get discounted electronics and toys . Instead , I am going to participate in Small Business Saturday . Small Business Saturday is when you take your Christmas budget and you spend it at places like your local barber shop or beauty salon for gift certificates . When you go to local shops and boutiques for your gifts instead of to the mega - marts . If everyone participated in Small Business Saturday , we 'd send a more powerful message to Corporate America than we ever could by standing on a street holding a sign . We 'd put our money where our mouth is so to speak . I freely admit that I love big stores for their selection and convenience , but think for a minute if a small mom - and - pop operation offered the same level of service that you got the last time you were at Wal - mart . . . . . would you ever go back ? Shop locally and make the Wal - mart 's wonder why . Hold them to a higher standard and quit letting them push you around . I encourage all of you to slow down . Take a breath . Appreciate what you have and give thanks . The establishment doesn 't want you to do this . They rush you through Thanksgiving and straight into Christmas so that you will focus on all of the things that you don 't have instead of realizing how much you already have . They don 't want you to appreciate the things that you have because then you might decide that you don 't really need a new TV , your kid doesn 't need that $ 75 toy , and you have 3 working DVD players so you can forgo that Blu - ray player . Write down what you are thankful for . Share it with your family and ask them to do the same . Take stock of all that you have and then decide what holiday shopping you even need to do , where you can get it locally , and how you can pass on some of the things you don 't need to others who do . And remember that Christmas is in DECEMBER . . . . EDIT : I just read Mary Tyler Mom 's post for today - - Thanksgiving : Wherefore Art Thou ? . You should ALL go and read it . If for no other reason than to prove that I am not the only one who misses Thanksgiving . I have an email address specifically for my blog . I get all kinds of weird junk emails from businesses who either hone in on " Counting " or " Caballeros " or who think that because I am a mommy blogger I must promote all natural fibers , organic , homemade foods , or homeschooling . I have , in the past week received emails from people asking me to promote their homeschooling curriculums , their tools to teach toddlers how to blow their noses , their books about parenting , their blogs about organic eating for kids , and their music . But my favorite emails are the ones who feel the need to voice their displeasure about me . I typically get one about every 6 weeks or so and they make me laugh . I get more than that if I post something religious or political , or if I talk about how I let my kids run wild , or how I fought with another teacher or parent . I usually just laugh and hit delete . I have been known to publicly ridicule those who feel that they are somehow entitled to judge me by calling them out here on the blog , and I even went so far as to publish one person 's email in it 's entirety WITH her email address because she had shown herself to be an ignorant , hateful person and I had not had the energy to address her with the proper level of snark by myself and had therefore recruited you guys to help . But this week , I got the following email from a television producer and my mind began to race with the impending fame and fortune that was sure to follow : Hello , My name is Brian and I work at Anderson , a new daytime talk show hosted by Anderson Cooper . I was interested in speaking with you about an idea I had for a story . Please give me a call when you get a chance at 212 XXX XXXX or contact me by email at brian . grobman @ andersoncooper . . com It would also be helpful if you let me know a number I could reach you at as well . I look forward to speaking with you as soon as possible in the near future . Best , 1271 Avenue of the Americas / / 16th FloorNew York , NY 10020O : 212 . 275 . 8939F : My moment had arrived ! I was about to be discovered ! When this email was sent , I had just written the post If I Were Queen and I just KNEW that Anderson Cooper wanted me to fly to New York to be a commentator on his show about politics . Or maybe he was doing a show about how difficult it was to break into the publishing business and was going to fly me to New York to meet with publishers and do a series of stories on what it takes for an unknown author to get published ! Or maybe he wanted me to become a REGULAR COMMENTATOR on his show and he was going to fly me to New York regularly ! ! ( Notice how in all of these fantasies I get flown to New York . . . . ) I quickly typed my response , while trying to sound as non - chalant as possible : Hey Brian , Sorry that it took so long for me to get back to you , but the whole mom to 4 kids thing keeps me a little tied up , and your email originally went to my Junk Mail folder that I only check a few times a month . I must admit that you have piqued my interest - - what could you possibly want to talk to me about ? Please call me at your convenience and satisfy my curiosity ( 817 ) XXX - XXXX . Looking forward to hearing from you , Wait . . . . . What ? This man obviously has NOT read my blog . And more disturbing , he does not want to help me launch my writing career . I was envisioning getting a job writing for a TV show , or a magazine , or being a regular commentator and getting a book deal and what does he want ? He wants to know if I know any June Cleaver types that he could talk to . Sigh . So this is how I responded : Oh wow , um , I don 't know anyone like that personally , but I regularly make fun of them on my blog . I am the antithesis of that mom . My uniform consists of t - shirts and yoga pants and I usually only wear make - up to church . Seriously , there is a post - it note on my front door that says " Do you have on a BRA ? Are you wearing SHOES ? Have you even seen a BRUSH today ? " I don 't mean to be presumptuous , ( actually , I do mean to be presumptuous - - what do I have to lose ? ) but why don 't you guys do a show about all of the mom - bloggers out there and their opinions on things like education , politics , taxes , religion , etc ? You could do a whole week of shows based upon what normal , everyday moms think . There is a plethora of mom - bloggers out there and we are all full of opinions . You could check out the site " Top Mommy Blogs " if you need help finding blogs to pull from . There are special needs moms who blog about the horrors that they face dealing with the system , there are moms who blog about the joys and heartaches of adoption , there are moms who blog about trying to homeschool , trying to feed their kids only whole foods , trying to cope with food allergies and developmental disorders , and then there are moms like me who blog about anything and everything and are just trying to make it through the next day . There are even some great dad bloggers . As a daytime talk show , I imagine that the majority of your audience is stay at home parents , and I imagine that as much as they enjoy hearing from various experts , they 'd love the chance to hear from some of those that they could relate to . You could even make it a weekly segment - - once a week feature a different blogger with a different opinion on a different subject as a wrap up or a springboard for your topic that day . Truth is , we have a lot of great ideas about a lot of different things , but we have kids . This means that we cannot we cannot find time to write an entire book , or court the publishing world to publish a book we 've written , and any book we 'd write would be all over the place because that is how our lives are . In the past 2 weeks , I have personally blogged about what I 'd do if I were president , how shocked I was to discover my 7 - year old singing the Katy Perry song " Last Friday Night " , what I think about the Michigan anti - bullying law , and what I think about the Penn State scandal . We blog mostly about what is on our minds oSincerely , Seriously , moms who spend all of their time on hair and make - up aren 't interesting ! REAL MOMS are interesting ! So far today , I have thrown away 7 partially eaten Pop Tarts and yelled at my 3 year old for washing the small pumpkin he got from school in the toilet . ( Luckily , I had actually cleaned the toilet this morning . ) And we are smart and we have ideas and we deserve to be heard by someone who may actually listen more than our kids . So far , he has not called . I am picturing him pitching this idea to Anderson Cooper himself and that Anderson is threatened by me . That 's gotta be it . Again , today 's post is not funny . I know that this is supposed to be a humor blog , but there are things that are effecting me in the news and if I don 't get them out here I just keep thinking about them and researching them and obsessing over them . Today 's post is about the abuse scandal that has rocked Penn State University and the nation . I cannot keep obsessing over these kinds of depraved acts because that kind of evil will eat me alive . I needed to get it out . I told you that I blog because I cannot afford therapy and that is apparent by today 's post . So close the door and pay attention , therapy is in session . I wasn 't going to blog about the Penn State scandal . I was upset by the stories coming out - - physically sick to my stomach because I have a son who is the age of the victims and I know that I would literally kill anyone who harmed him or my other children . I read Nicole Knepper 's blog about this travesty , Nittany Liars , and I thought that it was so well written , so poignant , and so full of truth that I didn 't think I could possibly add anything to what she had said . She is a professional counselor , a mother , and her words have more weight than anything I could say . But I cannot sit quietly as the details of the allegations that apparently spanned at least 15 years are coming out and the Penn State ' Family ' actually protests against the firing of the university president and Joe Paterno . What I say has no degree behind it . I am not a counselor . I am not an officer of the law . I am not an expert in mental health . I am a human being . I am a mother . And I am OUTRAGED . If you have been living under a rock , go HERE to see the timeline of events that led to the firing of Joe Paterno , university President Graham Spanier , and the arrest of Jerry Sandusky , the former ' right - hand " to Joe Paterno . There have been 40 counts of felony sex abuse of minors levied against former Paterno assistant Jerry Sandusky and there may be more coming . I love college football . I love everything about it - - the rivalries , the cracking of helmets as they meet over the ball , the yelling at the TV , the impressive runs by kids just barely old enough to vote , and the coaches . There are some coaches that I love to hate - - Steve Spurrier comes immediately to mind - - but as a general rule , the coaches , especially the long term ones , are part of a teams identity . I love iconic coaches like Bear Bryant , Pat Dye , Knute Rockne and , I thought until this week , Joe Paterno . Paterno has 409 victories - - a record for major college football - - won two national titles and guided five teams to unbeaten , untied seasons . He reached 300 wins faster than any other coach . He is a legend . But Pa Joe has fallen from grace . His role in the scandal over Jerry Sandusky 's abuse has eclipsed anything that he ever did for his team , his school , or his sport because he knew . This man KNEW what was going on . He had known since at least 2002 when one of his players ( Mike McQueary , who now happens to be the wide - receivers coach at Penn State ) came to him and told him that he had witnessed Sandusky in the team showers with a young boy of about 10 years old . Paterno simply informed athletic director Tim Curley without looking into the details , and apparently left it at that . He now says that he was unclear on what McQueary had said he saw . He never understood exactly what was going on with Sandusky and the 10 - year old boy . I 'm sorry , but you knew that an old man had a 10 - year old boy in the showers . You didn 't need to know anything else . You should have called the police as you were running straight to the locker room to stop whatever was going on , and THEN called your boss . Bill Littlefield with NPR put it best . He said " Another coach at another university might be able to sidestep criticism by maintaining that he 'd passed the buck to the appropriate bureaucrat , but it doesn 't work that way for icons . " No it doesn 't . And for me , as a mom and a HUMAN BEING , it doesn 't work that way for anyone . And what about McQueary ? This guy was a player , but he was a 28 year old graduate student at the time - - not some kid who could blame youth and ignorance on his inactivity . He saw a boy being sodomized by a pedophile and he fled the building and told the coach . He didn 't go to the cops . He didn 't try to help the boy being victimized . He continued to play and later to work for Paterno and Penn State knowing all the time who and what Sandusky was and knowing that he was still in contact with kids . Was his job a reward for his silence and compliance ? Who knows , but it makes me wonder . After the 2002 report , the University officials decided to take away Sandusky 's keys to the locker rooms . They knew that this man was making cWhen the Penn State Board of Trustees finally decided yesterday that they would fire Paterno and University President Graham Spanier , Paterno was " shocked " and said " I have come to work every day for the last 61 years with one clear goal in mind , to serve the best interests of this university and the young men who have been entrusted to my care . I have the same goal today . " I 'm sorry but that 's not good enough . Was it in the interest of the university to aid in the rape and molestation of young boys ? Was it in the best interest of the young men in your care to subject them to a pedophile ? No . And I don 't care how shocked he claims to be , he KNOWS it . He failed . He failed at that meeting with McQueary in 2002 to make the right decision , the most important decision of his life , the decision that will now forever define who he is and how he 's remembered . And then he failed over and over again for every minute of every day of every week and every year that he stayed silent . The students of Penn State in their ignorance protested Paterno 's firing . They rioted . They overturned a news van . They chanted " We want Joe ! We want Joe ! " ad nauseam in a vain attempt to get the board of trustees to hire him back . I have a message for them : Don 't feel sorry for Joe Paterno . He 's had his life . He had a great life and anything that he is suffering now is his own fault . He caused it by claiming to be a man of action and doing nothing to help the children that Sandusky ruined . His sorrow is his own fault - - a result of his own inactivity . Feel sorry for the victims of the abuse that Pa Joe allowed to continue , because they may never have a life . Many of them won 't be able to trust . Or be able to love . Some of them won 't be able to feel because of the crimes that they endured and you are worried about your football team ? Whatever tears you shed for Paterno and his football legacy should be saved for the children that were victims of Sandusky , and ultimately of Paterno and the Penn State powerhouse that failed them in an attempt to proCounting Caballeros Today 's post is not funny . It is not meant to be funny . It will not be universally accepted . It may even offend some of you . But I hope that you will respect the fact that these are MY opinions and beliefs . And I hope that it will make you think . Bullying is a very hot topic these days . Michigan just passed a law , or an amendment to a law , or something that says ( according to the media and every liberal friend on Facebook ) that it is okay to bully someone as long as you do it with your religious beliefs as a basis . That isn 't really what the law says . The law says that if my religion says that something is a sin , then I have the right to say that as well without being accused of bullying as long as I don 't direct it at an individual or group . If I am a Muslim , I can say " According to Allah , pork is unclean , and therefore those who eat are unclean " as long as I don 't say " Hey Brian , you are going to spend an eternity in hell because you 're eating those pork rinds and are an infidel . " Or I can say " According to the Bible , sexual immorality is sinful . " As long as I don 't say " Hey Jane , you are going to hell because you 're not a virgin and are therefore an abomonation to the Lord . " Opponents of the law , mostly the liberal left , are foaming at the mouth over the wording of this bill that they claim gives kids , teachers , and administrators a blueprint for bullying as long as they hide behind their religion of choice . I disagree . I see a bigger problem . What this law does is further polarize the public . If the law is left as it is , extremists will , in fact , use it as a platform to promote hate through religious beliefs ( like the idiots at Westboro Baptist Church ) . If it is changed , then the lawmakers have essentially gagged everyone of faith from expressing themselves and their beliefs openly , therefore infringing upon their right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech . Unfortunately , those who are most directly effected are the Christians . Christ was against bullying - - He " spoke the truth in love " but he was never cruel . What this bill has tried to do is give that right to individuals who follow Him - - the right to speak the truth in love . But how do we determine what is spoken in love and what is spoken out of hate ? We cannot . So the lawmakers tried to We have painted ourselves into a corner , so to speak . Here in Texas , where I live , a student was recently suspended because he was having a one - on - one conversation with another student and stated that he was a Christian and believed that homosexuality was wrong and the teacher overheard him . He was yelled at , written up , sent to the office , and suspended . For stating his personal belief to a friend . There was no anger , or malicious intent , or what could even be considered judgement since it was a statement not related to any individual but just in a private conversation . To me , that is bullying by the system . A biology teacher in California last year won a $ 100 , 000 settlement after she was fired for answering a student 's question by citing research that homosexuality " may be influenced by both genes and the environment . " That is bullying by the system . At the University of Illinois in July 2010 , school officials fired a Catholic theology teacher after he asserted that homosexuality was , according to Catholic teaching , contrary to the moral law . Prof . Kenneth Howell , who had simultaneously lost his position at the Catholic Newman Center on campus , was reinstated days later after thousands protested . That is bullying by the system . Also in 2010 news broke of the story of a counseling student at Augusta State University , who , after her professors learned of her Christian beliefs on homosexuality , was told to attend workshops to improve her sensitivity towards homosexuals , to complete remedial reading , and to write papers describing the impact of such measures on her beliefs , as a condition of continuing in the program . That is bullying by the system . The religious fanatics in our country have long been accused of committing the very sins that they speak out against because they take it to extremes - - they don 't just say that this or that is wrong , but they take on the judgement portion that is reserved only for God by saying that this person or group of people are wrong and their passion and anger over it bleeds into their treatment of that group often with a violent end . Now the liberal left seems to have joined them in their hypocrisy . You cannot advocate freedom of speech and freedom of religion if you are unwilling to allow those laws to apply to everyone . If it is okay for one person to be openly gay , then it must also be okay for another person to openly say " I believe that this is a sin . " It becomes problematic when any person is prevented from being able to speak their mind , no matter what their belief is and no matter whether they 're a member of the majority or the minority . Violation of a person 's First Amendment rights is problematic , no matter who they are or what they stand for . So what is my solution ? Well , I think that the only thing you can do here is to NOT make the wording of the law more specific , but to make it more general . Give those tasked with enforcing it more lattitude to interpret intent on an individual basis . For example , if a kid says " I am a Christian and I believe that homosexuality is a sin " but he doesn 't stand up and single out or threaten any one person or group , then that is not bullying . It is not hate . It is allowing that student to do what we push kids to do - - stand up for his beliefs and to do so in the face of adversity . As a society , we have taken the stance that every lifestyle choice is valid . We want everyone to feel loved and accepted . No one wants to offend anyone . We want everyone to like everyone else and get along in our country . This . Is . A . FANTASY . We have been advocating " acceptance " when we should have been advocating tolerance and respect . Acceptance of something that you or your religion , culture , or morals oppose involves a compromise of your beliefs . Tolerance of something does not . I can respect your opinion and your right to that opinion without accepting it . We want people to fell free to be who they are , to stand up for their beliefs , to speak up and speak out against what they believe is wrong but in the same breath we tell them not to offend anyone . Do you see the problem ? I am a Christian who tries to live by what the Bible teaches . Yet , I have friends who are openly homosexual , friends who are Jewish , friends who are Muslim , friends who are Hindu , friends who are Bhuddist , friends who are Wiccan and friends who are athiest . And I can have intelligent conversations about morals and religion with all of them because we respect and tolerate each other 's beliefs not because we accept them . Bullying could be virtually eradicated by enforcing a stricter policy of a universally accepted and morally benign concept of respect . If we pushed for respect of opinions and beliefs instead of acceptance of them , then tolerance would be a given . Everyone cannot be " right . " If you cannot have a civil , intelligent , conversation with someone who lives a lifestyle different from what you believe is " right " then how do you function in the world ? So , I 'm sick . But I started this post yesterday and finished it up this morning . Please forgive any incoherrent bits as I am fairly fuzzy headed . I had a lot more witty , sarcastic things that I was going to say about this . . . . I 'm sure I did . But I don 't remember them . I have so much sinus pressure that I can feel my pulse in my cheeks . Also , I hate to be a nag , but could you click on that little brown button over there on your right that says " Vote For Me On Top Mommy Blogs ? " I 'd really appreciate it . This past Wednesday I caught my daughter singing " Last Friday Night " by Katy perry . Do you know this song ? Its a very catchy tune . If it weren 't for the HORRIBLE message that it spouts , I would probably love it and dance around the room singing it with her , but these are the lyrics that she proudly sang as she twirled around the room : Now , I don 't want to be an alarmist , but my daughter is SEVEN . This song says " Hey , it is super cool to get so drunk that you have no idea what happened , to max out your credit card , to have your car towed , get kicked out of a bar , streak naked through the park , go skinny dipping and wake up with a stranger . " This is NOT what I want my daughter thinking . Do you know what lyric she was worried about me hearing ? " Damn . " I know that she has no idea what most of this stuff means ( Please , oh , please let her be well into her teens before anyone explains what a ménage a trios is ) , and her dad and I are very anti - credit card having fought that long , hard battle to become debt free , but this song is " cool . " Why is that , exactly ? In REAL life , we would consider the person singing this song a deviant at best and a slut at worst . And what does the singer conclude after waking up from a drunken blackout with a stranger in her bed ? " Wow that was great ! Let 's do it again ! " Really ? I mean , REALLY ? ? ! Now , I know that when I was a teenager , the music that we listened to was all about dealing with things way beyond our maturity level - - Bon Jovi sang about " Livin ' On A Prayer " where a young couple struggled to make ends meet , Madonna sang " Papa Don 't Preach " about a teen pregnancy , Salt n ' Peppa sang " Let 's Talk about Sex " and Poison sang " Talk Dirty To Me . " But , we were at least teenagers . And we were well aware that these were the songs that pushed the envelope , we turned them off or at least down around our parents because we knew they were " questionable " and did not dance around the room singing them to our mothers at the top of our lungs . I asked my 7 year old where she heard this song and she said " Disney Channel . " WHAT ? ? ! ! When did the Disney Channel quit being about mice and start being a DIY for teen pregnancy and STD 's ? ? ? And wasn 't Katy Perry on Sesame Street ? I will NOT be buying my 7 year old the Katy Perry Album for Christmas . She can listen to Bon Jovi , Aerosmith , GNR , Queen , Led Zepplin , Cinderella , Bad Company , The Alman Brothers , Janis Joplin , Bob Dylan or any of my other old music . She can even listen to most of my new music - - which consists mostly of Bruno Mars and Adele . But I 'll be damned if she will listen to any more " Disney " stars telling her to do too many shots and sleep with random strangers . No ma ' am , not on my watch . A friend and I were talking politics last night and she said " I wish you would run for a public office . You have a great no - nonsense approach and I think you could get a lot accomplished . " It took me 5 minutes to stop laughing . Seriously ? ! You want me to run a city council meeting or something ? I can 't even get 4 kids to pick up their dirty underwear what makes you think I could do well in government ? My house looks like the modern day setting of " Lord of The Flies " 90 % of the time - - God only knows what kind of damage I could do in government . Besides , I would suck at politics . Sure , I have some good ideas , but they would not be widely accepted . No one would vote for me because I am too honest . I am brutally honest . I am honest like a mother . I would most likely end up telling some one ( or more likely , some group ) to quit whining , to shut - up , or to get over whatever had their panties in a bunch . Fox News would love me . First things first - - I would be a one - term president ( or less if I got impeached , which I probably would ) . And I would put an end to " Career Politicians . " Serving as a senator or congressman should not be a lifelong career . You will receive the same health benefits and the same retirement benefits as those in the military . I guarantee that the Military Benefits Act would be drafted , passed in both Houses , and on my desk within a few short months of enacting that policy . Those men and women serve their country with honor , and no less will be expected of you . You are supposed to be a SERVANT to the people - - not their lord and master . No one , who is truly being a servant to the people that they represent should want to do so forever . Congress will be in session for the majority of the year - - like every other job in the world . Upon being elected , you will be required to spend 6 months living and working side by side with those that you represent - - not campaigning for their future vote , but discovering their needs and what you can do to help them when you get to Washington . After your term ends , you would be required to spend another 6 months teaching the ropes to the guy ( or girl ) who is stepping up to take your place . Thanks for your work , but it 's time to give someone else a turn . I would not try ( nor would I want ) to please everybody . I would want to do away with a lot of the excess . That would mean getting rid of jobs and not " creating " them . I am all for hiring people when there is a genuine need , but the idea of " creating " jobs makes me envision the busy work I give my preschoolers when I need to get some real stuff done . " Professional Lobbyists " would all be out of a job because I would not let them anywhere near Capitol Hill . I find this practice of paying someone to promote your cause or your companies interests unseemly . Senators and congressmen are meant to represent the PEOPLE of their districts - - not the companies that do business there . I would put a freeze on things like The National Endowment For The Arts . I love art - - all forms of art - - but when people can 't pay their bills , they do not buy art . We are a country that cannot pay its bills , so until we get crap straightened out , no unnecessary expenses . I would also put a stop to any government funded studies or projects that did not provide for immediate , tangible , needs of our country . This would mean that there would be defense spending , military spending , and operational spending , but no studies on the migratory patterns of birds . We would not be hosting any big state dinners while I was in office either - - if I had to host an event , it would be a BYOB barbecue . I would contact the heads of state that were to attend and tell them that money was tight , but I wanted to have them over for a meal . I 'd ask them if they were okay with burgers and dogs and if they could bring chips . If they weren 't okay with that , we wouldn 't have any state dinners . I don 't think that a country 's leaders should be impressed by us spending money that we don 't have . If I loaned money to a friend in need and then they invited me over for caviar and champagne , I 'd be pissed off , not impressed . We would concentrate on getting out of debt , operating effectively within a budget , and getting organized . Immigration : Do it legally or don 't bother . ClosePosted by " Through humor , you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers . And once you find laughter , no matter how painful your situation might be , you can survive it . " ~ ~ Bill Cosby ~ ~
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Thanksgiving . There are a lot of stereotypes about Thanksgiving - - from the food , to the football , to the day after shopping insanity . But the number one stereotype about Thanksgiving is the stressful family time . There are jokes about stuffing the turkey with Prozac , holding an intervention , or drinking to make it bearable . I get these jokes . I laugh at them , sometimes uncontrollably , but they are not me and my family . No one at my Thanksgiving is an alcoholic . Or a drug addict . Or really anything other than our own special brand of crazy . Let 's start with me - - I am the most obvious choice since I am the one with the addictive personality . I am not an alcoholic , or a drug addict , but I DO have my addictions - - Facebook , this blog , coffee , Coke , my iPhone , sleep . . . . the list is long . So as I would sit with my coffee and Coke on the table in front of me with my iPhone in hand as I checked Facebook and my blog wishing that I could take a nap after the big Thanksgiving meal , my family would try to reason with me . But I wouldn 't hear them because I would be too busy updating my status . Then there are my kids . They are all addicted to making messes , but they have their own addictions too . We 'd try to reason with the oldest boy about his Lego addiction - - how it simply was not normal to not be able to come to the dinner table , watch TV or go to the bathroom without bringing a handful of Legos along with you . We 'd try , in vain , to get the oldest girl to realize that it was simply odd the way she writes " I Love Justin Beiber " on everything she owns . Our pleas with the youngest girl that as awesome as the color yellow is , there are other colors that she can wear , other crayons that she can use , and other foods that she can eat that are NOT yellow , would fall on deaf ears . And telling the 3 year old that dinosaurs were not , in fact , the only animals in the world would be an exercise in futility . We could try to tell my father - in - law that it was indeed possible to come visit us without repairing something , painting something , cleaning something , or knocking holes in our walls . We could plead with him that he could come visit us for more than 36 hours because whoever he was digging a pool for , or building a deck or fence for , or renovating for would understand that this was Thanksgiving . But he would be too busy taking something we own apart to improve it and would probably never hear a word we said . ( This is not an exaggeration - - he has been in my house for less than 5 hours and already has plans for 6 different " projects " he wants to complete while he is here . ) Then there is my mother - in - law . Everyone always talks about how they can 't stand their mother - in - law , but mine is great . The only intervention that she needs is that she is not , in fact , Santa . She doesn 't just shower my kids with " stuff " at the holidays , although it is definitely worse during the last few months of the year . No , she buys them stuff all year long . All they have to do is ask and she will do everything within her power ( and credit limit ) to make it happen . Should we try to intervene with her at Thanksgiving , she would not hear us because she would have the Toys R Us Big Book Of Toys on her lap and be surrounded by the 4 minions chanting choruses of " I want that , and that , and that and . . . " Finally at our Thanksgiving table is my husband . I cannot think of one thing I need to intervene with him about . The only things that he is addicted to are me and throwing his dirty clothes on the floor . I can live with that . I will take my family with all of their quirks because they are awesome and we all love each other - - warts and all . I hope that you are able to enjoy your family this Thanksgiving as much as I will enjoy mine . Take a little time to appreciate the flaws that make them even more lovable . I know I am a nag , but could you take a second and click on the button at the top , right - hand side of the page that says " Vote For Me @ Top Mommy Blogs ? " You do not have to register , give an email address , or anything - - just click the button . Once their site comes up , you 're done . You can close the window . I used to be # 9 , and now I am dangerously close to falling out of the Top 25 ! You can vote EVERYDAY ! And since votes reset every 30 days , I 'd love it if you did . ( FYI , you can vote on the 2011 Bloggers Choice Awards if you want , but they DO require a registration where you have to give your email address . However , it is a one - time - only thing . I would love to win one of these awards , but based on the 30 votes that I have gotten , it isn 't looking too promising . ) It 's 2 days until Thanksgiving and a large portion of my Facebook friends have posted statuses and pictures of their Christmas trees that are already up and decorated . They say things like " I just LOVE Christmas ! " They claim that they put their tree ( or in some cases " trees " ) up early so that they can enjoy them longer . I also have friends who are done - - yes FINISHED - - with their Christmas shopping . They have bought all of their gifts for friends and family , their stocking stuffers , and even have some ( if not all ) of it wrapped and under one of their meticulously decorated Christmas trees . Their husbands have strung umpteen dozen strands of lights on the outside of their houses and they have nativity scenes and inflatable snowmen on their lawns . Why would I ? We go " home " for Christmas . We wouldn 't be here to enjoy it . We don 't have room for a tree anyway . I have to side - step random piles of toys , laundry , and other crap on any given day in my house , so putting up a tree where we would pile wrapped up new toys or clothes seems a little ridiculous . Also , our kids get ONE present from Santa and ONE present from their dad and I because they also get presents from Grandma , Grandmother , Aunt Betty , Aunt Martha , Aunt Willa and Uncle Jon , etc . And OUR Santa doesn 't wrap his presents because he is too busy - - he has to get to every single kid on the planet within 24 hours . Santa comes to Grandmother 's house where he puts the toys and gifts unwrapped on the hearth right next to the stockings . A wonderful blog that I follow , Snarky In The Suburbs , has dubbed this maniacal early decorating and boasting , er , I mean POSTING about it on Facebook " Competitive Christmas . " I am not saying that all of my friends are in competition - - I happen to know quite a few who truly just love Christmas and would probably put their tree ( s ) up in September if they thought that they could get away with it . But there are some who I KNOW put up their trees right after Halloween , have all of their shopping finished before the Black Friday ads are even printed , and begin their Christmas cookies as soon as the Thanksgiving turkey comes out of the oven and then post pictures of all of their wrapped presents along with statuses about how THEY get to relax and enjoy the holidays because THEY planned ahead . Here is what I hear when I see that crap " I am better than you . " Well , no you 're not . What you are is slightly insane . You are the same people who would poll all of your friends in school to see what they made on the test and then tell them that you did better . You are the same people who have to drive the better car , have the better TV , wear the better clothes , etc . You don 't try to " keep up with the Joneses " - - you try to BE the Joneses . Here 's what you should know - - I do not plan my life around what you do at Christmas or on any other day of the year . I do not participate in " Competitive Christmas " nor do I try to live my life in an attempt to keep up with anyone . How exhausting ! I cannot imagine how disappointed I might be in myself if I was always trying to be as organized or as neat or as rich or as frugal or as ANYTHING as all of my friends . I do admire a lot of those things and mimic them at times , but to focus on trying to be the best at everything is impossible . I have enough crazy in my life without actively participating in your brand of " nuts . " So , you win . You are better at Christmas than I am . I will no doubt realize on Christmas Eve as I huddle in the bathroom at my mom 's house wrapping the presents to my kids from their dad and me to avoid being discovered , that I forgot someone , or that one kid has been shortchanged in the stocking department , or that I don 't have enough bows . And this will result in me sending the husband out at midnight on Christmas Eve to go to the CVS or Walgreens , or down to the corner convenience store to pick up something to make it all work . Next February , when I finally get around to cleaning out that closet under the stairs , I will find the toy that I bought on clearance 3 years ago for my child who has since outgrown it . I will probably not get Christmas cards done at all , but if I do they will never compare to the full on North Pole scene that you set up in your front yard in August with your shiny happy family all decked out in matching Christmas sweaters for the professional photographer that you hired . And I will most likely top off the kid 's stockings with left over Halloween candy , if I remember to pack it . But I will probably enjoy Christmas every bit as if not more than you because I forfeit . I am not competing . See , you can 't really " win " at Christmas . If I ever have neighbors who decorate like that house , I am sooooo doing this . Today , I am trying to remain calm and therefore I will be ranting about my Thanksgiving prep . Not because it is incredibly funny or interesting , but just because I need to get it all out so that I can realize just how far behind I am , and then I can properly panic and freak out . I bought a turkey this weekend . I opted for a fresh one , as I usually do , but I had to get a bigger one than I wanted . I do not know why , but every year it seems that I either cannot find a turkey big enough or I can 't find one small enough . Last year , we had extra people for Thanksgiving ( some good friends who are just as far away from their extended families as we are ) and I needed a 20 pound turkey . Every store I went to had 12 - 15 pound turkeys , but nothing bigger . This year it was the opposite . I went to 4 different stores and all of the turkeys were 20 - 25 pounds . My mother - in - law does not eat poultry - - no chicken , no duck , and no turkey . Not even on Thanksgiving . When SHE doesn 't eat something , my girls all of a sudden don 't eat it either . So the husband , the father - in - law , and the 2 boys and I are the ones who will be eating turkey - - all 14 1 / 2 pounds of it . The mother - in - law is bringing a ham , which I love , but which will further diminish the need for the big turkey . I am also making home - canned green beans with carrots , mashed potatoes , sweet potato souffle , asparagus , homemade bread , and , of course - - rice . My in - laws are Puerto Rican , we have to have rice with every meal . And I am Southern . It doesn 't matter that we HAVE to have rice , because we also HAVE to have sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes . And green beans from Costco will not do - - they have to be ones that my mother canned this summer cooked with fat - back for most of the day leading up to dinner . Its a rule . So the menu is set . Now on to the cleaning . Crap . This is ALWAYS an issue at my house , Thanksgiving or not . This week the minions are out of school . My husband , in his oblivion , said " Good , they can help you clean . " Yeah , right . Trying to clean with 4 kids in theAnd there is the constant need to purge the crap - - we are in the throes of a full - on pre - Christmas purge . The kids don 't want to get rid of ANYTHING and their dad and I want to get rid of EVERYTHING . We know that in a few short weeks " Santa " ( AKA Grandma and Grandmother ) will load them down with so much stuff that there will be no room for us to move in this house . Why do kids get so attached to meaningless crap ? I went to give away a pillow that is all ratty and dirty and has Disney Princesses on it ( my girls don 't even like Disney Princesses ) and you would have thought I was trying to give away the family dog . My nearly 10 year old son is pouting because I threw away a box that was torn up and laying flat on the floor of his room because he had drawn on it with crayons . It . Was . A . BOX . A torn up box at that . It is really annoying . It is almost time for lunch now . I will have to get the kitchen dirty to make the 5 kids here lunch , serve it on the previously cleaned table , and watch as thousands of crumbs are dropped onto my previously cleaned floor . And I will have to do this amid numerous protests over what is being served . After lunch there will be an entire hour or more trying to re - motivate the minions to get back to work . I was hoping to have the house completely cleaned up by tomorrow . Tomorrow is Lorelei 's 5th birthday . I hate to try and make them clean up when it is supposed to be a day to celebrate Lorelei . We have gotten her presents , we have ordered a pull - apart - cupcake - cake , and we have promised her that she can have cheese - sticks from Sonic for dinner since that is her absolute favorite thing in the world . Two weeks from now , the oldest turns 10 , and 4 days after Christmas , the 7 year old turns 8 . All of these birthdays mean that the Christmas haul will only be half of what comes into this house over the next few weeks . ( Sigh ) I suppose that means that I should get off of here and get to work . . . . . " Initial contacts with the infected are extremely traumatic , causing shock , panic , disbelief and possibly denial , hampering survivors ' ability to deal with hostile encounters . " That is the Wikipedia description for the Zombie Apocalypse , but it is true of Black Friday as well . Two years ago , I took my husband out on Black Friday . We went to 3 stores . We started at Toys R ' Us where we stood in a line outside of the store in the freezing temperatures for over an hour , then we were literally herded like cattle into the store and out again . His eyes were wide with disbelief as a woman several aisles over from us had a complete claustrophobic breakdown . We then went on to Wal - mart . He stood in line for a GPS while I went to get in line for digital picture frames . At the appointed time , when the deals were released , there was an audible roar from the center of the store . My husband had the following exchange with a young guy next to him in the GPS line : 1 ) Large masses of " people " all in mindless pursuit of the same thing . Zombies are often depicted as slow - moving creatures in pursuit of brains , while Black Friday shoppers are in pursuit of deals . Seriously , the next time you see the news footage from your local Toys R ' Us on Black Friday , it will not be hard for you to imagine them in pursuit of brains instead of Barbies . 2 ) The bigger the city , the worse it is . I realize that the Black Friday insanity has intensified over the past decade , but 12 years ago , I participated when I lived in Huntsville , AL . It was no small town , but it was nothing like what I witnessed 2 years ago here in DFW . Similarly , in a Zombie Apocalypse , things are far worse in heavily populated areas . 3 ) Everyone has a plan for survival , very few actually work . In a Zombie Apocalypse , everyone has a plan to survive . Similarly , Black Friday shoppers have plans - - they map out the stores , make detailed schedules , and arm themselves with coupons and discount shopper cards . The problem is that there are thousands of other people who are attempting the same things and they don 't give a crap what your plan is . They will mow you down in a heartbeat to get to that $ 400 big screen TV that normally retails for $ 1 , 000 , and then they ' l pick over the stuff you dropped . In a Zombie Apacolypse , the military blocks roads , mass exoduses of large urban areas cause traffic jams , and lack of services like tow - trucks and police turn highways into parking lots . If you have ever tried to go out to pick up something from the grocery store on Black Friday then you are painfully aware that the traffic sucks that day . Even if you don 't have to venture close to an actual mall or mega - mart , just getting to and from Kroger can be a monumental task . 5 ) The smell of the crowd resembles rotting flesh . I don 't know if it is the fact that they were in such a hurry to get in line that they forgot to shower and wear deodorant , or if it is the fact that they 're still digesting that huge Thanksgiving meal , but Black Friday shoppers , as a general rule , REEK . When you get that many people in a confined space the smells alone are enough to induce panic . 6 ) There is a complete lack of intelligent thought processes . They fact that people camp outside of stores prior to the sales is indication enough that there has been a breakdown of civilization . But should you venture out to Wal - Mart or Toys R ' Us on Black Friday , you will witness things like 60 year old women climbing over displays , seemingly normal people fighting over electronics and toys , and mothers who most likely try to teach their kids to be kind , caring , individuals ready to cut someone over the last " Tickle Me Elmo . " 7 ) The affliction is highly contagious . Just being pushed around by the masses is enough to turn you into one of them . Zombies infect you with a bite , but Black Friday shoppers can infect you simply by touching you , pressing up against you , and shuffling you around . 8 ) You strongly believe that you are the only ' normal ' one . The uninfected in a Zombie Apocalypse often feel as if they are sole survivors . When they are forced to enter infested areas they are fearful because they just know that they stick out like a sore thumb . When a normal person attempts to go shop on Black Friday they have the same feeling . However , much like the Zombies who are unaware of their infection , Black Friday Shoppers are completely oblivious to the fact that their behavior is not normal . Yesterday was supposed to be the start of a week - long cleaning binge . Sadly , it was not . Instead , it was spent shuttling kids to school , then to preschool , then BACK to the school to check a kid out to take her to the doctor , then on to the imaging center to have her knee x - rayed only to discover that the x - ray machine there was down , back to the doctor 's office for new paperwork for another imaging place , got the x - rays done , take child back to school , run to Lowe 's to grab drain cleaner & a new paint brush , pick up kids from preschool , go to grocery store , pick up kids from school , come home , and make dinner . So no cleaning was done at all . This morning , I am taking some time with the computer and a pot of coffee before attempting to clean anything . I have a post rattling around in my head that I thought about all day yesterday , so I 'm gonna go and try to get that done and then I 'll start the cleaning . Maybe . As I was running all over the place yesterday , I couldn 't help noticing all of the Christmas decorations and advertisements that were EVERYWHERE . They started right after Halloween - - or in some cases , BEFORE Halloween . There was a mini - Christmas tree on the reception desk at the doctor 's office . A wreath adorned the door of the imaging center where I took my kid to get her x - rays . Lowe 's had an entire 3 aisle section dedicated to Christmas . The speakers at the grocery store played " It 's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year . " I love Christmas . It IS the most wonderful time of the year . But , here 's the thing : It is NOT Christmas yet . It isn 't even Thanksgiving yet . I haven 't even got all of my Halloween stuff put away yet . Where are the turkeys ? The pilgrims and Indians ? The cornucopias ? ? ! What is the big hurry to usher in the fat man in his red suit ? Before we spend more money than we should on things we don 't really need to impress people we really don 't even like , shouldn 't we take the time to appreciate all of the stuff we have ? Shouldn 't we MAKE TIME to celebrate our family and friends and the fact that we are grateful for them ? Seriously , look around your house - - do you even have room for more stuff ? Thanksgiving is supposed to be about family . And being grateful about what we have . It has become nothing more than a speed bump on the super highway to Christmas , which has become about getting more stuff . I have a very difficult time decking the halls when I am still divvying up Halloween candy to my kids . This rush to " celebrate " Christmas has nothing to do with the traditional " Peace on Earth " or " Goodwill Towards Mankind " that it should be about . Nope , its all about the pursuit of more stuff . I love buying gifts . I USED to love Black Friday . But now , retailers , in an attempt to one up one another have taken to opening on Thanksgiving day for their mega deals . Wal - mart , Toys R Us , and several others are opening not at 4 or 5 AM on Black Friday , but at some point on Thanksgiving ! So if you want to get those deals , you have to forgo the Thanksgiving meal with your family and go fight the crowds and stand in lines . And those who work there have to give up their holidays so that you can . It is ridiculous . Amid all of the " Occupy " movements to protest big business , I guarantee that this will be a big year for them . Well not from me . I 'm tired of being rushed into Christmas . I 'm tired of trying to budget all year for one blow - out day of shopping where I need to be in six different stores at exactly 4 AM when they release the good deals . I 'm tired of feeling that I have to have everything picked out for every person on my Christmas list by the week of Thanksgiving . And I am tired of big companies making me feel like I must be crazy to willingly miss out on their super deals . A big screen TV for under $ 500 ? ? ! You 'd better buy that ! A Blu - Ray player for under $ 50 ? ? ! You NEED it ! ! Your kid wants this toy that normally sells for $ 75 , but between 4 and 5 AM on Black Friday we 'll sell it for $ 29 . 99 ! ! ! You better hurry though - - there are only 3 per store . Bull . I 'm sick of it . I am boycotting Black Friday . And I am boycotting any company this Christmas that deprives their employees of their Thanksgiving Holiday . Doctors , nurses , police , and fire fighters HAVE to work on holidays - - the services that they provide are essential . Someone 's life may very well depend upon them going to work . They willingly sacrifice for the greater good . Some mom or dad who works at K - Mart to feed their kids , should not have to give up this very special day with them just so you can get discounted electronics and toys . Instead , I am going to participate in Small Business Saturday . Small Business Saturday is when you take your Christmas budget and you spend it at places like your local barber shop or beauty salon for gift certificates . When you go to local shops and boutiques for your gifts instead of to the mega - marts . If everyone participated in Small Business Saturday , we 'd send a more powerful message to Corporate America than we ever could by standing on a street holding a sign . We 'd put our money where our mouth is so to speak . I freely admit that I love big stores for their selection and convenience , but think for a minute if a small mom - and - pop operation offered the same level of service that you got the last time you were at Wal - mart . . . . . would you ever go back ? Shop locally and make the Wal - mart 's wonder why . Hold them to a higher standard and quit letting them push you around . I encourage all of you to slow down . Take a breath . Appreciate what you have and give thanks . The establishment doesn 't want you to do this . They rush you through Thanksgiving and straight into Christmas so that you will focus on all of the things that you don 't have instead of realizing how much you already have . They don 't want you to appreciate the things that you have because then you might decide that you don 't really need a new TV , your kid doesn 't need that $ 75 toy , and you have 3 working DVD players so you can forgo that Blu - ray player . Write down what you are thankful for . Share it with your family and ask them to do the same . Take stock of all that you have and then decide what holiday shopping you even need to do , where you can get it locally , and how you can pass on some of the things you don 't need to others who do . And remember that Christmas is in DECEMBER . . . . EDIT : I just read Mary Tyler Mom 's post for today - - Thanksgiving : Wherefore Art Thou ? . You should ALL go and read it . If for no other reason than to prove that I am not the only one who misses Thanksgiving . I have an email address specifically for my blog . I get all kinds of weird junk emails from businesses who either hone in on " Counting " or " Caballeros " or who think that because I am a mommy blogger I must promote all natural fibers , organic , homemade foods , or homeschooling . I have , in the past week received emails from people asking me to promote their homeschooling curriculums , their tools to teach toddlers how to blow their noses , their books about parenting , their blogs about organic eating for kids , and their music . But my favorite emails are the ones who feel the need to voice their displeasure about me . I typically get one about every 6 weeks or so and they make me laugh . I get more than that if I post something religious or political , or if I talk about how I let my kids run wild , or how I fought with another teacher or parent . I usually just laugh and hit delete . I have been known to publicly ridicule those who feel that they are somehow entitled to judge me by calling them out here on the blog , and I even went so far as to publish one person 's email in it 's entirety WITH her email address because she had shown herself to be an ignorant , hateful person and I had not had the energy to address her with the proper level of snark by myself and had therefore recruited you guys to help . But this week , I got the following email from a television producer and my mind began to race with the impending fame and fortune that was sure to follow : Hello , My name is Brian and I work at Anderson , a new daytime talk show hosted by Anderson Cooper . I was interested in speaking with you about an idea I had for a story . Please give me a call when you get a chance at 212 XXX XXXX or contact me by email at brian . grobman @ andersoncooper . . com It would also be helpful if you let me know a number I could reach you at as well . I look forward to speaking with you as soon as possible in the near future . Best , 1271 Avenue of the Americas / / 16th FloorNew York , NY 10020O : 212 . 275 . 8939F : My moment had arrived ! I was about to be discovered ! When this email was sent , I had just written the post If I Were Queen and I just KNEW that Anderson Cooper wanted me to fly to New York to be a commentator on his show about politics . Or maybe he was doing a show about how difficult it was to break into the publishing business and was going to fly me to New York to meet with publishers and do a series of stories on what it takes for an unknown author to get published ! Or maybe he wanted me to become a REGULAR COMMENTATOR on his show and he was going to fly me to New York regularly ! ! ( Notice how in all of these fantasies I get flown to New York . . . . ) I quickly typed my response , while trying to sound as non - chalant as possible : Hey Brian , Sorry that it took so long for me to get back to you , but the whole mom to 4 kids thing keeps me a little tied up , and your email originally went to my Junk Mail folder that I only check a few times a month . I must admit that you have piqued my interest - - what could you possibly want to talk to me about ? Please call me at your convenience and satisfy my curiosity ( 817 ) XXX - XXXX . Looking forward to hearing from you , Wait . . . . . What ? This man obviously has NOT read my blog . And more disturbing , he does not want to help me launch my writing career . I was envisioning getting a job writing for a TV show , or a magazine , or being a regular commentator and getting a book deal and what does he want ? He wants to know if I know any June Cleaver types that he could talk to . Sigh . So this is how I responded : Oh wow , um , I don 't know anyone like that personally , but I regularly make fun of them on my blog . I am the antithesis of that mom . My uniform consists of t - shirts and yoga pants and I usually only wear make - up to church . Seriously , there is a post - it note on my front door that says " Do you have on a BRA ? Are you wearing SHOES ? Have you even seen a BRUSH today ? " I don 't mean to be presumptuous , ( actually , I do mean to be presumptuous - - what do I have to lose ? ) but why don 't you guys do a show about all of the mom - bloggers out there and their opinions on things like education , politics , taxes , religion , etc ? You could do a whole week of shows based upon what normal , everyday moms think . There is a plethora of mom - bloggers out there and we are all full of opinions . You could check out the site " Top Mommy Blogs " if you need help finding blogs to pull from . There are special needs moms who blog about the horrors that they face dealing with the system , there are moms who blog about the joys and heartaches of adoption , there are moms who blog about trying to homeschool , trying to feed their kids only whole foods , trying to cope with food allergies and developmental disorders , and then there are moms like me who blog about anything and everything and are just trying to make it through the next day . There are even some great dad bloggers . As a daytime talk show , I imagine that the majority of your audience is stay at home parents , and I imagine that as much as they enjoy hearing from various experts , they 'd love the chance to hear from some of those that they could relate to . You could even make it a weekly segment - - once a week feature a different blogger with a different opinion on a different subject as a wrap up or a springboard for your topic that day . Truth is , we have a lot of great ideas about a lot of different things , but we have kids . This means that we cannot we cannot find time to write an entire book , or court the publishing world to publish a book we 've written , and any book we 'd write would be all over the place because that is how our lives are . In the past 2 weeks , I have personally blogged about what I 'd do if I were president , how shocked I was to discover my 7 - year old singing the Katy Perry song " Last Friday Night " , what I think about the Michigan anti - bullying law , and what I think about the Penn State scandal . We blog mostly about what is on our minds oSincerely , Seriously , moms who spend all of their time on hair and make - up aren 't interesting ! REAL MOMS are interesting ! So far today , I have thrown away 7 partially eaten Pop Tarts and yelled at my 3 year old for washing the small pumpkin he got from school in the toilet . ( Luckily , I had actually cleaned the toilet this morning . ) And we are smart and we have ideas and we deserve to be heard by someone who may actually listen more than our kids . So far , he has not called . I am picturing him pitching this idea to Anderson Cooper himself and that Anderson is threatened by me . That 's gotta be it . Again , today 's post is not funny . I know that this is supposed to be a humor blog , but there are things that are effecting me in the news and if I don 't get them out here I just keep thinking about them and researching them and obsessing over them . Today 's post is about the abuse scandal that has rocked Penn State University and the nation . I cannot keep obsessing over these kinds of depraved acts because that kind of evil will eat me alive . I needed to get it out . I told you that I blog because I cannot afford therapy and that is apparent by today 's post . So close the door and pay attention , therapy is in session . I wasn 't going to blog about the Penn State scandal . I was upset by the stories coming out - - physically sick to my stomach because I have a son who is the age of the victims and I know that I would literally kill anyone who harmed him or my other children . I read Nicole Knepper 's blog about this travesty , Nittany Liars , and I thought that it was so well written , so poignant , and so full of truth that I didn 't think I could possibly add anything to what she had said . She is a professional counselor , a mother , and her words have more weight than anything I could say . But I cannot sit quietly as the details of the allegations that apparently spanned at least 15 years are coming out and the Penn State ' Family ' actually protests against the firing of the university president and Joe Paterno . What I say has no degree behind it . I am not a counselor . I am not an officer of the law . I am not an expert in mental health . I am a human being . I am a mother . And I am OUTRAGED . If you have been living under a rock , go HERE to see the timeline of events that led to the firing of Joe Paterno , university President Graham Spanier , and the arrest of Jerry Sandusky , the former ' right - hand " to Joe Paterno . There have been 40 counts of felony sex abuse of minors levied against former Paterno assistant Jerry Sandusky and there may be more coming . I love college football . I love everything about it - - the rivalries , the cracking of helmets as they meet over the ball , the yelling at the TV , the impressive runs by kids just barely old enough to vote , and the coaches . There are some coaches that I love to hate - - Steve Spurrier comes immediately to mind - - but as a general rule , the coaches , especially the long term ones , are part of a teams identity . I love iconic coaches like Bear Bryant , Pat Dye , Knute Rockne and , I thought until this week , Joe Paterno . Paterno has 409 victories - - a record for major college football - - won two national titles and guided five teams to unbeaten , untied seasons . He reached 300 wins faster than any other coach . He is a legend . But Pa Joe has fallen from grace . His role in the scandal over Jerry Sandusky 's abuse has eclipsed anything that he ever did for his team , his school , or his sport because he knew . This man KNEW what was going on . He had known since at least 2002 when one of his players ( Mike McQueary , who now happens to be the wide - receivers coach at Penn State ) came to him and told him that he had witnessed Sandusky in the team showers with a young boy of about 10 years old . Paterno simply informed athletic director Tim Curley without looking into the details , and apparently left it at that . He now says that he was unclear on what McQueary had said he saw . He never understood exactly what was going on with Sandusky and the 10 - year old boy . I 'm sorry , but you knew that an old man had a 10 - year old boy in the showers . You didn 't need to know anything else . You should have called the police as you were running straight to the locker room to stop whatever was going on , and THEN called your boss . Bill Littlefield with NPR put it best . He said " Another coach at another university might be able to sidestep criticism by maintaining that he 'd passed the buck to the appropriate bureaucrat , but it doesn 't work that way for icons . " No it doesn 't . And for me , as a mom and a HUMAN BEING , it doesn 't work that way for anyone . And what about McQueary ? This guy was a player , but he was a 28 year old graduate student at the time - - not some kid who could blame youth and ignorance on his inactivity . He saw a boy being sodomized by a pedophile and he fled the building and told the coach . He didn 't go to the cops . He didn 't try to help the boy being victimized . He continued to play and later to work for Paterno and Penn State knowing all the time who and what Sandusky was and knowing that he was still in contact with kids . Was his job a reward for his silence and compliance ? Who knows , but it makes me wonder . After the 2002 report , the University officials decided to take away Sandusky 's keys to the locker rooms . They knew that this man was making cWhen the Penn State Board of Trustees finally decided yesterday that they would fire Paterno and University President Graham Spanier , Paterno was " shocked " and said " I have come to work every day for the last 61 years with one clear goal in mind , to serve the best interests of this university and the young men who have been entrusted to my care . I have the same goal today . " I 'm sorry but that 's not good enough . Was it in the interest of the university to aid in the rape and molestation of young boys ? Was it in the best interest of the young men in your care to subject them to a pedophile ? No . And I don 't care how shocked he claims to be , he KNOWS it . He failed . He failed at that meeting with McQueary in 2002 to make the right decision , the most important decision of his life , the decision that will now forever define who he is and how he 's remembered . And then he failed over and over again for every minute of every day of every week and every year that he stayed silent . The students of Penn State in their ignorance protested Paterno 's firing . They rioted . They overturned a news van . They chanted " We want Joe ! We want Joe ! " ad nauseam in a vain attempt to get the board of trustees to hire him back . I have a message for them : Don 't feel sorry for Joe Paterno . He 's had his life . He had a great life and anything that he is suffering now is his own fault . He caused it by claiming to be a man of action and doing nothing to help the children that Sandusky ruined . His sorrow is his own fault - - a result of his own inactivity . Feel sorry for the victims of the abuse that Pa Joe allowed to continue , because they may never have a life . Many of them won 't be able to trust . Or be able to love . Some of them won 't be able to feel because of the crimes that they endured and you are worried about your football team ? Whatever tears you shed for Paterno and his football legacy should be saved for the children that were victims of Sandusky , and ultimately of Paterno and the Penn State powerhouse that failed them in an attempt to proCounting Caballeros Today 's post is not funny . It is not meant to be funny . It will not be universally accepted . It may even offend some of you . But I hope that you will respect the fact that these are MY opinions and beliefs . And I hope that it will make you think . Bullying is a very hot topic these days . Michigan just passed a law , or an amendment to a law , or something that says ( according to the media and every liberal friend on Facebook ) that it is okay to bully someone as long as you do it with your religious beliefs as a basis . That isn 't really what the law says . The law says that if my religion says that something is a sin , then I have the right to say that as well without being accused of bullying as long as I don 't direct it at an individual or group . If I am a Muslim , I can say " According to Allah , pork is unclean , and therefore those who eat are unclean " as long as I don 't say " Hey Brian , you are going to spend an eternity in hell because you 're eating those pork rinds and are an infidel . " Or I can say " According to the Bible , sexual immorality is sinful . " As long as I don 't say " Hey Jane , you are going to hell because you 're not a virgin and are therefore an abomonation to the Lord . " Opponents of the law , mostly the liberal left , are foaming at the mouth over the wording of this bill that they claim gives kids , teachers , and administrators a blueprint for bullying as long as they hide behind their religion of choice . I disagree . I see a bigger problem . What this law does is further polarize the public . If the law is left as it is , extremists will , in fact , use it as a platform to promote hate through religious beliefs ( like the idiots at Westboro Baptist Church ) . If it is changed , then the lawmakers have essentially gagged everyone of faith from expressing themselves and their beliefs openly , therefore infringing upon their right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech . Unfortunately , those who are most directly effected are the Christians . Christ was against bullying - - He " spoke the truth in love " but he was never cruel . What this bill has tried to do is give that right to individuals who follow Him - - the right to speak the truth in love . But how do we determine what is spoken in love and what is spoken out of hate ? We cannot . So the lawmakers tried to We have painted ourselves into a corner , so to speak . Here in Texas , where I live , a student was recently suspended because he was having a one - on - one conversation with another student and stated that he was a Christian and believed that homosexuality was wrong and the teacher overheard him . He was yelled at , written up , sent to the office , and suspended . For stating his personal belief to a friend . There was no anger , or malicious intent , or what could even be considered judgement since it was a statement not related to any individual but just in a private conversation . To me , that is bullying by the system . A biology teacher in California last year won a $ 100 , 000 settlement after she was fired for answering a student 's question by citing research that homosexuality " may be influenced by both genes and the environment . " That is bullying by the system . At the University of Illinois in July 2010 , school officials fired a Catholic theology teacher after he asserted that homosexuality was , according to Catholic teaching , contrary to the moral law . Prof . Kenneth Howell , who had simultaneously lost his position at the Catholic Newman Center on campus , was reinstated days later after thousands protested . That is bullying by the system . Also in 2010 news broke of the story of a counseling student at Augusta State University , who , after her professors learned of her Christian beliefs on homosexuality , was told to attend workshops to improve her sensitivity towards homosexuals , to complete remedial reading , and to write papers describing the impact of such measures on her beliefs , as a condition of continuing in the program . That is bullying by the system . The religious fanatics in our country have long been accused of committing the very sins that they speak out against because they take it to extremes - - they don 't just say that this or that is wrong , but they take on the judgement portion that is reserved only for God by saying that this person or group of people are wrong and their passion and anger over it bleeds into their treatment of that group often with a violent end . Now the liberal left seems to have joined them in their hypocrisy . You cannot advocate freedom of speech and freedom of religion if you are unwilling to allow those laws to apply to everyone . If it is okay for one person to be openly gay , then it must also be okay for another person to openly say " I believe that this is a sin . " It becomes problematic when any person is prevented from being able to speak their mind , no matter what their belief is and no matter whether they 're a member of the majority or the minority . Violation of a person 's First Amendment rights is problematic , no matter who they are or what they stand for . So what is my solution ? Well , I think that the only thing you can do here is to NOT make the wording of the law more specific , but to make it more general . Give those tasked with enforcing it more lattitude to interpret intent on an individual basis . For example , if a kid says " I am a Christian and I believe that homosexuality is a sin " but he doesn 't stand up and single out or threaten any one person or group , then that is not bullying . It is not hate . It is allowing that student to do what we push kids to do - - stand up for his beliefs and to do so in the face of adversity . As a society , we have taken the stance that every lifestyle choice is valid . We want everyone to feel loved and accepted . No one wants to offend anyone . We want everyone to like everyone else and get along in our country . This . Is . A . FANTASY . We have been advocating " acceptance " when we should have been advocating tolerance and respect . Acceptance of something that you or your religion , culture , or morals oppose involves a compromise of your beliefs . Tolerance of something does not . I can respect your opinion and your right to that opinion without accepting it . We want people to fell free to be who they are , to stand up for their beliefs , to speak up and speak out against what they believe is wrong but in the same breath we tell them not to offend anyone . Do you see the problem ? I am a Christian who tries to live by what the Bible teaches . Yet , I have friends who are openly homosexual , friends who are Jewish , friends who are Muslim , friends who are Hindu , friends who are Bhuddist , friends who are Wiccan and friends who are athiest . And I can have intelligent conversations about morals and religion with all of them because we respect and tolerate each other 's beliefs not because we accept them . Bullying could be virtually eradicated by enforcing a stricter policy of a universally accepted and morally benign concept of respect . If we pushed for respect of opinions and beliefs instead of acceptance of them , then tolerance would be a given . Everyone cannot be " right . " If you cannot have a civil , intelligent , conversation with someone who lives a lifestyle different from what you believe is " right " then how do you function in the world ? So , I 'm sick . But I started this post yesterday and finished it up this morning . Please forgive any incoherrent bits as I am fairly fuzzy headed . I had a lot more witty , sarcastic things that I was going to say about this . . . . I 'm sure I did . But I don 't remember them . I have so much sinus pressure that I can feel my pulse in my cheeks . Also , I hate to be a nag , but could you click on that little brown button over there on your right that says " Vote For Me On Top Mommy Blogs ? " I 'd really appreciate it . This past Wednesday I caught my daughter singing " Last Friday Night " by Katy perry . Do you know this song ? Its a very catchy tune . If it weren 't for the HORRIBLE message that it spouts , I would probably love it and dance around the room singing it with her , but these are the lyrics that she proudly sang as she twirled around the room : Now , I don 't want to be an alarmist , but my daughter is SEVEN . This song says " Hey , it is super cool to get so drunk that you have no idea what happened , to max out your credit card , to have your car towed , get kicked out of a bar , streak naked through the park , go skinny dipping and wake up with a stranger . " This is NOT what I want my daughter thinking . Do you know what lyric she was worried about me hearing ? " Damn . " I know that she has no idea what most of this stuff means ( Please , oh , please let her be well into her teens before anyone explains what a ménage a trios is ) , and her dad and I are very anti - credit card having fought that long , hard battle to become debt free , but this song is " cool . " Why is that , exactly ? In REAL life , we would consider the person singing this song a deviant at best and a slut at worst . And what does the singer conclude after waking up from a drunken blackout with a stranger in her bed ? " Wow that was great ! Let 's do it again ! " Really ? I mean , REALLY ? ? ! Now , I know that when I was a teenager , the music that we listened to was all about dealing with things way beyond our maturity level - - Bon Jovi sang about " Livin ' On A Prayer " where a young couple struggled to make ends meet , Madonna sang " Papa Don 't Preach " about a teen pregnancy , Salt n ' Peppa sang " Let 's Talk about Sex " and Poison sang " Talk Dirty To Me . " But , we were at least teenagers . And we were well aware that these were the songs that pushed the envelope , we turned them off or at least down around our parents because we knew they were " questionable " and did not dance around the room singing them to our mothers at the top of our lungs . I asked my 7 year old where she heard this song and she said " Disney Channel . " WHAT ? ? ! ! When did the Disney Channel quit being about mice and start being a DIY for teen pregnancy and STD 's ? ? ? And wasn 't Katy Perry on Sesame Street ? I will NOT be buying my 7 year old the Katy Perry Album for Christmas . She can listen to Bon Jovi , Aerosmith , GNR , Queen , Led Zepplin , Cinderella , Bad Company , The Alman Brothers , Janis Joplin , Bob Dylan or any of my other old music . She can even listen to most of my new music - - which consists mostly of Bruno Mars and Adele . But I 'll be damned if she will listen to any more " Disney " stars telling her to do too many shots and sleep with random strangers . No ma ' am , not on my watch . A friend and I were talking politics last night and she said " I wish you would run for a public office . You have a great no - nonsense approach and I think you could get a lot accomplished . " It took me 5 minutes to stop laughing . Seriously ? ! You want me to run a city council meeting or something ? I can 't even get 4 kids to pick up their dirty underwear what makes you think I could do well in government ? My house looks like the modern day setting of " Lord of The Flies " 90 % of the time - - God only knows what kind of damage I could do in government . Besides , I would suck at politics . Sure , I have some good ideas , but they would not be widely accepted . No one would vote for me because I am too honest . I am brutally honest . I am honest like a mother . I would most likely end up telling some one ( or more likely , some group ) to quit whining , to shut - up , or to get over whatever had their panties in a bunch . Fox News would love me . First things first - - I would be a one - term president ( or less if I got impeached , which I probably would ) . And I would put an end to " Career Politicians . " Serving as a senator or congressman should not be a lifelong career . You will receive the same health benefits and the same retirement benefits as those in the military . I guarantee that the Military Benefits Act would be drafted , passed in both Houses , and on my desk within a few short months of enacting that policy . Those men and women serve their country with honor , and no less will be expected of you . You are supposed to be a SERVANT to the people - - not their lord and master . No one , who is truly being a servant to the people that they represent should want to do so forever . Congress will be in session for the majority of the year - - like every other job in the world . Upon being elected , you will be required to spend 6 months living and working side by side with those that you represent - - not campaigning for their future vote , but discovering their needs and what you can do to help them when you get to Washington . After your term ends , you would be required to spend another 6 months teaching the ropes to the guy ( or girl ) who is stepping up to take your place . Thanks for your work , but it 's time to give someone else a turn . I would not try ( nor would I want ) to please everybody . I would want to do away with a lot of the excess . That would mean getting rid of jobs and not " creating " them . I am all for hiring people when there is a genuine need , but the idea of " creating " jobs makes me envision the busy work I give my preschoolers when I need to get some real stuff done . " Professional Lobbyists " would all be out of a job because I would not let them anywhere near Capitol Hill . I find this practice of paying someone to promote your cause or your companies interests unseemly . Senators and congressmen are meant to represent the PEOPLE of their districts - - not the companies that do business there . I would put a freeze on things like The National Endowment For The Arts . I love art - - all forms of art - - but when people can 't pay their bills , they do not buy art . We are a country that cannot pay its bills , so until we get crap straightened out , no unnecessary expenses . I would also put a stop to any government funded studies or projects that did not provide for immediate , tangible , needs of our country . This would mean that there would be defense spending , military spending , and operational spending , but no studies on the migratory patterns of birds . We would not be hosting any big state dinners while I was in office either - - if I had to host an event , it would be a BYOB barbecue . I would contact the heads of state that were to attend and tell them that money was tight , but I wanted to have them over for a meal . I 'd ask them if they were okay with burgers and dogs and if they could bring chips . If they weren 't okay with that , we wouldn 't have any state dinners . I don 't think that a country 's leaders should be impressed by us spending money that we don 't have . If I loaned money to a friend in need and then they invited me over for caviar and champagne , I 'd be pissed off , not impressed . We would concentrate on getting out of debt , operating effectively within a budget , and getting organized . Immigration : Do it legally or don 't bother . ClosePosted by " Through humor , you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers . And once you find laughter , no matter how painful your situation might be , you can survive it . " ~ ~ Bill Cosby ~ ~
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I have realized that November was slipping by at an alarming rate and today looking at the calendar and seeing it is November 30th and I guess I have to accept that December really truly is here and get moving on some Christmas stuff . Get out the decorations , make some cards , etc . This year has just flown by for me and I wish I could rewind a few months and have far more accomplished by this point in time . I feel like it snuck up on me at the same time I realized it was approaching . How does that happen ? I had such amazing intentions for how prepared I was going to be and yet I am not . Not at all . Oh well there is always next year : ) Hopefully you have your act far more together than me : ) So instead of doing anything of my to do list I thought the best way to start my day was of course with Wednesday Hodge Podge ! The list will be there later , and tomorrow and the next day . Well hopefully not the next day I need to get this crap done . Thanks for stopping by to read my answers to the great questions Joyce has supplied for us again { you rock Joyce ! } if you are not already a participant go to her page here and join in ! 1 . Do you send Christmas cards ? If so about how many will you send this year ? How do you display the cards you receive ? Or don 't you ? ( gasp ! ) I do send Christmas Cards but sometimes they end up being New Years cards : ) Last year they went out actually in April when we were moving so I could include our new address , etc . So I am not on the ball but they will go out sometime . Last year I think I sent about 30 and this year it will probably be around the same or a few more . When do kids become adults . . . hmm . . are we talking age or maturity ? Technically don 't they become adults when they are 18 ? Maturity wise though I have met 20yr olds who act like they are 4 and 12yr olds who act 30 . I think it varies person to person but usually once a person goes off to school and graduates or maybe even gets married and has their first child . I think that really helps snap them into adulthood if they aren 't already there . Yes . I change my hair color with the season and usually go a little lighter than my normal look in the winter , I change foundation and I find myself slathering on a lot more moisturizer and lotion . 4 . What 's something you like to eat that might cause another person to turn up their nose ? I love to make sugar cookies and I have a butter cream like icing I make with them that I love . If I have any leftover I love to dip pretzel sticks in it and eat them . It gags my husband who likes to say , " You know you are eating flavored Crisco and sugar right ? " Yes but it tastes so good . 6 . What 's the longest queue you 've ever been in ? Was it worth it ? Queue = line but doesn 't queue sound nicer ? Yesterday was a rough day and the weather ended up being terrible by the afternoon and I was in no mood to go out in it yet we had to . I was thinking though , that for the end of November , I was lucky that yesterday was one of the worst days we have had and I am grateful for really how good the weather has been and I should not complain . Bad weather is coming and I just need to enjoy all the good days and not so great days before the real bad stuff gets here . Hoping you are enjoying a peaceful and productive day wherever you are ! You are not allowed to get super close due to vandalism etc in the past but it still is very neat . Apparently about 45 minutes away there is another set of stones in Avebury that you can actually climb on etc . We did not make it there this time though . We then returned home the next day after a long drive . We went sight seeing around Harrogate a bit where it really is just lovely . The next day we picked up our Thanksgiving Dinner in a box . I was so excited : ) See I am very spoiled in the fact that I have only had to cook Thanksgiving Dinner once . Yes , you read that correctly once . I am thirty something years old and have only done it one year with assistance from my step mom and Dad and husband . { In the past my mom and Sister handled all that } So I am semi grateful that I have a tiny oven and could not realistically cook a turkey big enough for all of us . I would have been really craptastic to make a dinner and then have it be terrible with company . I believe in saving my cooking failures for my immediate family : ) I did make a fruit salad though so I did put forth some effort just in case you were thinking I was entirely too slothful . Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving weekend ! Go to Joyce 's page here and join in on the Hodge Podge goodness . 1 . Let 's start with something controversial . . . dressing or stuffing ? What 's it called at your house and what 's included in your recipe . . . cornbread ? oysters ? sausage ? chestnuts ? 6 . If someone approaches you and asks for money do you give it to them ? Do you drop money ' in a tin cup ' that belongs to a person on the street ? Do you have a specific charity you support during the holiday season and / or year round ? If someone approaches I try to give money or if I see someone with a " tin cup " . I heard about having McDonald 's gift certificates on hand instead of cash to give them and that is not a bad idea . I also saw this idea on Pinterest which I think is great . Favorite Thanksgiving memory is a tough one . I just love to spend time with family and friends laughing which I usually get to do so there are too many great ones to pick from . How lucky am I ? I am not cooking this year . Our ovens are too small so we bought a dinner but I look forward to having the extra time to spend with my kids and our company . Happy Thanksgiving to all of you ! ! ! ! YAY ! I actually posted in between Hodge Podge posts ! It is a miracle , particularly in this super busy time for me . My To Do list is NUTSO this week ( or month , or life ) but when it is all done it will be great and I can enjoy Thanksgiving with my family . Completely random note here , my husband changed our search engine or main page that opens when you open up the internet . I was sooooo annoyed initially because did he expect me to remember all the web pages I went to or what ? How can I read my daily stories and funnies and find craft stuff that must be created ? Does he not realize how many bookmarks I have ? So then he suggested something silly like , " just import them " and I thought sure right after I teleport myself to the beach . I am NOT tech savy . But he imported it all for me and I was grateful . He then suggested I take the time to go through all my bookmarks and delete some . . . . seriously did he see how many there are ? He should know me better than that and realize it is not gonna happen anytime soon . Alright enough about me . . . let 's talk more about me but in Hodge Podge : ) What is with the tough questions this week Joyce ? : ) Alright there are soooooo many songs that take me back to a moment but one that I heard very recently { which was strange } was Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm by the Crash Test Dummies . I was in High School and we had driven to a different city to shop and we were looking at Singles in a music store and decided to buy it on a fluke . My best friend and I thought it was hilarious and strange so we played it alot . Then at cheer leading we would get our megaphones and sing it . We thought we were hilarious . We were not . If I saw / heard a teenager doing that today I would think they were being so annoying most likely . I would probably laugh too knowing that someday they will look back and laugh at what goofballs they are . Having a perfect house all the time . It is tidy but it won 't be perfect and that is ok because my kids and enjoying life are the priority . Not the dust . It is a recent discovery so I still struggle with guilt over not having it all perfect . Chocolate . In all seriousness though , I would say my faith in God 's plan . . . even when I don 't understand or like what is happening I believe there is a reason and it will work out . Also I will never give up on my family . Adobo Chickeni if we are talking a meal / real food and chocolate chip cookies if I can make what I want to eat : ) 5 . Have you started Christmas shopping ? Decorating ? Listening to Christmas music ? 1 ) I think you should celebrate one Holiday at a time . . . ONE 2 ) I know my 2yr old and dog will destroy everything so why rush the destruction and 3 ) I am lazy so I don 't even want to think about dragging all the totes out and trying to figure out where to put the stuff in our new place . Talk to me December 1st about decorating . Holiday music . . . ahh another hot topic . I use to really not like Christmas music , I know what a freak , but I blame my anti - Christmas attitude on working retail for the holidays for a few years and hearing the same songs over and over and over and over and over again { Harry Connick Jr . & the Chipmunks } and dealing with people who get crazy . Over the last 4 years my cold frozen Grinch like heart has started to thaw and I really enjoy Christmas music again . But , not until after Thanksgiving is over . December 1st people - December 1st ! I know my mom maid her wedding dress and the two bridesmaids dresses which were gorgeous and it was small and in Las Vegas . I have a photo album of it but that is about it . I will have to ask my Dad for more information . Also I know they were very in love . . . so really what more is there to know ? : ) I can 't believe that I didn 't go to bed until 2 : 30am , was back up at 6 : 30am , was gone most of the day with my kids and dog and will be up really late again tonight and yet I am not totally exhausted or cranky . Really I just can 't believe I am so sleep deprived and not in a rotten mood . No sleep = major bad mood usually . I just found out yesterday that my niece is expecting a baby boy { their 1st } in April and I am soooo thrilled for her . I have already been gathering baby shower ideas , etc and now I know what she is having I can start shopping . I can hardly contain my excitement . Baby stuff is all so cute I will really have to exercise some will power so I do not buy everything I see . I am thinking of all the advice I want to give her that she may or may not use : ) What is the best advice you have been given on children ? I have no wise words today or time to type them but I wanted to post something a bit more chipper after the last one : ) My kids are hilarious and are cracking me up this week with all their silly . One of my favorite things to do is put on music and we all dance . . . after I close the curtains so the neighbors are not scared by our crazy . So turn this up and dance and have fun today and enjoy ! I wish you a day full of fun and a to do list with all the important things checked off . Cheers ! So you have been warned . This is not a feel good happy post . It isn 't a post that isn 't suppose to be funny yet is . This is a my heart is a little broken post . Last week was a little rough for me for a variety of reasons and I really didn 't talk about but this morning it weighs heavy on my mind . Isn 't this one of the purposes of my blog ? So I can write and then talk about things that are happening , that make me happy or sad ? I like the act of typing it out and working through some of these thoughts and feelings . I like the fact that no one will instantly say something in response because maybe I do not want to hear your words . Maybe I expect everyone to feel as emotional as I do which is not a reality . Neither right or wrong everyone feels and deals with things in their own way . Blog comments are easier to bear sometimes you can read them at your leisure and not have to deal with the person on the other end of them looking at you . So if this post is too heavy for you I apologize . Skip it and move on to a happier more sarcastic normal me post . I don 't mind in the least but I have to talk about this and I choose to do that here . I am a venter and this is the best place for me to vent . November 10th was my moms birthday . She passed away in 2006 while I was living in Japan . She had been ill but I was not prepared for that phone call . I was so angry that she was gone before I even knew what was happening and I felt robbed of saying goodbye . I had talked to her the Saturday before but it was such a short conversation . I told her happy news that we were expecting another baby , that we had just received orders to move to Idaho which was much closer to home . It was not enough . I miss her everyday . Did we have the perfect relationship ? No . We fought and disagreed and annoyed one another just like everyone else but we were really really close . Things are just not the same without her and I realize that she is better off . She was so sick & her quality of life was diminished every single day and she was miserable . It makes it easier when I think of it that way but selfishly I want her here . When it is 9am here and everyone else that I would call is sleeping and I want someone to talk to I get mad and sad that I can 't call her because she would be up . Also on November 10th is the day I lost one of my babies in 2007 . My husband was deployed and I had two toddlers at home . I found out I was pregnant two days after he left . We were surprised but so excited . A few days later I was in the hospital calling my friend to leave work to come pick up my boys , calling my sister and asking her to drop everything and drive up because I was going to have surgery , calling my husband to tell him what had happened . I felt like such a failure . I realize that it was completely out of my hands but in that moment I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to cause this . I was devastated . The night I got home from my hospital the boys got the stomach flu and it was a nasty one . All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and ignore the world but I couldn 't because there were two little boys who were puking their guts out who needed mommy . I remember thinking , " You 've got to be freaking kidding me with this . . . how much more do I need thrown at me ? I can 't do this . " Yes I realized then and now that my life was really good , even in that bleak speck of time others had it so much worse than me but it does not mean that the pain I was feeling was not justified or that it was no hard for me . Looking back now the boys getting sick was such a blessing even though that is not what I thought at the time . I would have climbed into bed and not climbed out for awhile had I the choice . I could have easily let the depreIn 2008 and 2009 I am pretty sure I did my best to not talk to anyone or do much of anything but be depressed on that day . 2010 I don 't remember . This year though I decided it needed to be different . On Thursday I got up and thought I will not wallow . I will live because I am here and that is what I am meant to do . I showered , I got dressed up . I made sure I played with my kids and was in a good mood all day . It was not easy but it was important . I think it is good to reflect and remember but do not wallow . Do not let despair and grief swallow you whole because there is so much to be done here and now . So remember but do something positive , help someone out do a good deed or just go have a really great day . So much laughter and joy are just waiting for us in life we just have to grab it . So go out there folks and grab life and shake all the fun and laughter you can out of it . Forget your laundry and chores and just go seek out some joy . You will not look back and say wow I am so happy my house was always spotless but my kids watched too much tv . Nope . Truly living and learning is what it is about not how little dust you have : ) See problem number one is I am a procrastinator and reluctant to admit that . So I one day I realized that we needed to quickly come up with a theme for this birthday party and being the good mother that I am I gave my son choices . Looking back I see this was a mistake . I should have just picked something and done it all to make my life easier but I couldn 't . I wanted him to be involved . Good mommy won over bad mommy . So I pulled up some various ideas online and we had semi decided on an eyeball / monster theme . Super I will order the stuff so it will be here on time so we can get crackin on this . Because while I am sure there are lots of places that sell a fabulous variety of party supplies here I have yet to find it . AND , even if I did find it I am not super excited to pack up the two kids and dog , go downtown , pray it is not pouring rain , pay to park and then hike the two miles to the store . Keep track of kids in store and pray that super destructor boy does not in fact destroy store while in it . Also pray that dog is not eating inside of car because he is " bored " . Anywho enough of that rant . So we were at a different base that has a larger selection of party stuff and my husband { whom I adore } said why don 't you just get something here instead . Sigh . I had already crafted in my head all the stuff for the other party but what he said made sense plus my son saw Star Wars stuff so I never had a chance . Of course they did not have enough Star Wars goody bags or plates so I had to supplement which I found annoying which is why I wanted to order in the first place . One click shopping . I had rented the Pavilion which is basically a giant long building with a cement floor . It includes a bouncy castle and a barbecue so I figured it was perfect for 7yr old boys . Indoor which is huge here this time of year , plenty of room to run like maniacs and we could grill hot dogs which my son loves and lives on { much to my dismay } . Was that enough ? Nope not for mom . What would we do at this party ? We needed games , crafts , activities and a schedule . My husband thought I was nuts . Looking back he was right . I logged onto Pinterest which I adore and think is the devil because of the genius ideas I find while it sucks all my time away . I found quite a few ideas but I just couldn 't decide and reading all these ideas was taking time and life was happening in the meantime . Halloween and all the chaos surrounding that and our three trick or treating outings . I was a busy woman and remember the whole procrastinating thing . . . . So we get to the day prior to the party and what did I do all day long ? I cleaned my house and did laundry . Not ONE thing party related because that my friends would have made wayyyyy to much sense . That night there was a party thing we went to on base . Guy Fawkes night or something like that . . . . my ignorance on this subject is causing my mom to roll in her grave even as I type . We got home about 8 : 30pm and by the time we got the kids in bed and I started stuff it was just after 9pm . Not a good sign . My husband was on light saber duty . He cut all the tube things I had bought in half and completed one . Then decided that the kids would rather decorate their own and he went to bed . He is smart and right about the kids . So it was just me and lots of ideas and little time . So I baked the cake so it could cool , I made the pasta salad , I started getting out serving dishes trying to decide which ones I wanted to schlep all the way to base and which ones they were least likely to break . Then I started making my food tags , then I gathered all the food that did not require refrigeration . I typed up a schedule for myself and made a map of the food table - yes I am that ridiculous and geeky . Gathered the Star Wars guys I was using for the cake and washed them . Plotted my obstacle course . At about 2 am I was thinking what am I doing this is crazy and then I remembered the goody bags . Oh those goody bags were the bane of my existence for this party . . . I just had zero ideas of what to put in them . Zero . I made some labels and attached them with my sticker maker to sandwich baggies that said " Endor Trail Mix " and I cut some scraps up that I had leftover from my food signs and made bookmarks and then added the words " Dream Big " to them . I decided a bookmark , snack and light saber was good enough for treat bags . I went to bed around 3 : 30am because I am sooo brilliant . Up at 7am the next day and we left the house at 9 : 30 . . . . party was suppose to start at 11am . Of course we had stops on the way . We had to grab some more tape on the way for the light sabers , grab ice and then the stuff to make the Endor Trail Mix since the idea had not come to me until 2am the day of the party . Oh and candles and a lighter because I had forgot those . Got all that and got there about 10 : 20 to start setting up . Hauled everything in , set up tables and chairs , set up the bouncy castle and started to set out food when people started showing up . I was not excited . They were on time I was running behind . I wanted to have everything in place before people came and look like I had it under control and that I was together when clearly I am not . I never did get the obstacle course set up , I would have liked to made a backdrop for the food table and have had things on different levels to add more visual interest but it didn 't haThe kids were happy to bounce , them make their light saber , then bounce and attack one another . We ate , they bounced some more and then we played musical chairs to Star Wars music ( thank you itunes ! ) and freeze dance . We opened presents and had cake . Although visually to me it was one of the worst cakes I had ever made { and Ben had actually got into it earlier when no one was looking and ate part of the " dark side " with his bare hands } it was tasty . I learned that I need to let go of these crazy ideas sometimes . Simple is good . I was reminded that if I want to go crazy with all this I need to not procrastinate . I asked my son if he was happy with it and he said yes and at the end of the day THAT is all that mattered . Well I had great expectations of myself to blog about this birthday party we had but I am not motivated and have to many things happening to get that done . My son 's teacher is retiring next week due to an emergency and so we are trying to come up with several last minute things for her , trying to finish prepping my house for guests , and normal life . When did things get so busy ? I guess always : ) Again Joyce and Hodge Podge to the rescue so I have something to type up that requires little of me . It is fun and I greatly appreciate it Joyce : ) After reading my answers go to her page here to link up . Great fun ! ! 1 . Of all the tools and gadgets you own which do you most enjoy using ? I would say in the kitchen I love my Pampered Chef food chopper and then I also love to use my Cricut to cut vinyl . I am looking at getting a Silhouette machine though because I love the options it has . I think that will be my favorite . 2 . When ( if ever ) is impatience a virtue ? I am not sure . I am not a very patient person and that generally is not a good thing . 3 . What temperature do you keep your thermostat set to in winter ? Do you have another way to heat your house besides a furnace of some type ? Well we are on Celsius here so it is on 25 at night which is about 77 Fahrenheit but that is a little warm so I will probably try to get it around 72 . We only have radiator heating but it works well . And lots of blankets : ) I was very close to two of my Grandmothers and one Grandfather and I miss them dearly . I use to go fishing with my Grandpa a lot and spend the night with both of my Grandmas frequently . My other Grandparents I really did not know . My Dad 's father passed away before I was even born and my Dad 's mom I only met once . 5 . When did you last have a family portrait taken ? We had one taken last fall and I will get more done in the spring . Prior to that one though it had been a few years . To me I think it is to be proud of where you come from , stand for freedom and taking care of our country and supporting the military . 7 . Do you like to play cards and if so , what 's your favorite card game ? I love to play cards and my favorite is Canasta . Most of my family plays so I love when we are all together and can have a mini tournament : ) Recently I learned how to play Hearts and that was fun as well . 8 . Insert your own random thought here . Well I was going to go on a whole rant about people protesting at military funerals since my mind is on military stuff after question 7 but I don 't feel like standing on my soap box . Instead I will tell you that I am super excited about Thanksgiving for three very different reasons : 1 ) we have friends visiting and they are bringing their new gorgeous baby . . yes ! 2 ) I don 't have to cook , our oven is so small we ordered dinner from somewhere . . . yes ! 3 ) Sarah and I get to go see Breaking Dawn . . . even yesser ! ! I bought soap to wash clothes with on Nov 1st . The bottle says it has 28 washes in it . . . I poured out the last few drops last night into the washer . Did I seriously wash 28 loads of laundry in 6 days ? It is possible considering I have three boys and my washer is the size of a Barbie washer but still . . . really ? What really kills me is the price of it . It is usually 12 pounds a bottle which depending on the exchange rate is anywhere from $ 15 to $ 20 dollars which is really not helping in the whole plan to reduce my grocery budget . Yesterday I had a huge list of things to do but I didn 't feel like accomplishing it so I worked on my blog . I found a really cute background that I wanted on a site . . . . couldn 't get it to work . I spent like 30 to 45 min on this . No big deal I will find another one I thought . So I did and I liked it even better . Couldn 't get it to work . Spend another 45 minutes at least trying to get it to work because I liked it that much . Tried and tried and tried and read the stupid instructions a bunch of times and I was getting angrier and angrier and frustrated because I have changed this before and should I really be struggling this much with it ? Finally I gave up . It was not what I wanted for a background but it was a nice solid color , and I had changed my fonts , rearranged my page elements etc and I could live with it . I asked my husband if he would try for me since he is much more technologically advanced them me . So he did and he couldn 't get it to work . I was super grateful for his help { another 45 min of time sucked away } but when he was done it was a color and template I did not like . . . so I changed it again to the current one which is fine but not me . It drives me nuts . This must be why people pay people to do this for them and if I was still working I so would . My kids are hilarious . I wish I was better at writing down all the funny stuff they say because I forget so much of it and it is priceless . Yesterday my 5yr old and 7y old were playing and I was listening to them and happy that they were getting along so well . I heard the 5yr old say , " Why are they called boobie traps anyway ? Do they look like boobies ? " and then laughter erupted . I had to go into the other room and laugh and then I wondered what does he think boobies are and was slightly panicked . I am sure they will be super happy in the future when they read this and realize I have shared it with the world . They are pretty cute . They are very quick to read and basic which is nice when I am reading and too tired to read a lengthy or wordy book to the boys at bedtime . They do not use proper English so the boys like them because they sound a little silly and I think they are funny because they have Eddie Vedder and David Hasselhoff in them . I recommend them if you have kids under 7 because you will both laugh . Check them out at Amazon . { Purely my opinion I do not have any contract with the author or Amazon } I am off to finish some craft projects , upload some pictures and feed the children . They weirdly insist on eating 5 - 6 times a day everyday . It is nuts . Enjoy your day ! Did you survive Halloween ? We went trick or treating three times and I forgot the kids costumes on the last one , the big one , actual Halloween . Epic fail . We were 20 minutes from our house with 10 minutes before the festivities began when I realized this . There was no going back . I was not happy , my kids were even less happy . So I told everyone that my kids were dressed up as " Model Well Behaved Children " which I found quite witty and my kids just looked angry . With this outing they received the most candy that had so far . I was excited to see so many chocolate items in my oldest sons bag ; he is allergic to milk and so I get all those . I don 't want to buy candy for myself for a few reasons 1 ) it is expensive 2 ) it is not good for you and 3 ) I am suppose to be starting a diet this week . I rationalize though that we are getting ready to start the Halloween to Holiday Death Spiral and all the candy will help me maintain my sanity . Weak I know . Enough about the pros and cons of excess Halloween Candy let 's get to this week 's Hodge Podge session . Join in on the fun by going to Joyce 's page here . 1 . Who taught you how to cook ? Well my mom some and my Grandma slightly . My dad reminded me recently that my mom tried to teach me more but I replied , " I don 't need to learn how to cook because I will marry someone rich and have a personal chef " . Aren 't 16yr olds super genius in their thinking ? I will say that my friends over the last 6 years have really influenced my cooking and pushed me to be better and I am grateful to them for all their ideas and shared recipes . My goal is to be the one who everyone wants to go eat dinner at their house because it is always sooooo good . I think my meals now are good but not amazing . I don 't remember having a favorite . I remember having Strawberry Shortcake dolls that I loved and carried with me everywhere for a summer but I don 't think I had a single item that I always had to have . Two of my sons do though . 4 . What ' institution ' do you have the most faith in ? Marriage & family . If you have a strong family you send strong people out into the world . I truly believe what we do is soooo important and make an impact on the future . 6 . What superpower do the kids in your neighborhood seem to posses ? Since we are new here I really don 't know our neighborhood kids and I am not sure there are many at all . I think we live in an area where there are mostly older people and if there are kid they are of the teenage variety . 7 . Are you a fan of the cranberry ? Yes . I like to drink CranApple drinks and I am looking forward to making a cranberry pear pie for Thanksgiving . 8 . Insert your own random thought here : I am prepping for my son 's birthday party this weekend and I am nervous about having the combination of three girls , 11 boys , light sabers and a huge building with a concrete floor to run in . Also I feel guilty for all the work I put into this when my other son who had a birthday at the beginning of the month only had a small family party at home . In my defense he does not go to school and we are new here so he has no friends . My oldest though went to two weeks of school last year here and then has gone to school this year so he has people to invite . Guilt either way though if you do it you feel bad for the other kid , if you don 't you feel bad for the kid you are doing it for . Wish me luck because I am sure it will be chaos !
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If you 've been here for a little while , you 've probably already heard about California Chicken . Boy does this place bring back lots of memories . . . . . of the days when I used to party until 3 or 4 in the morning and head on over to California 's for a bag of chicken to take home . Yes , the Marines used to be able to party all night here . And California Chicken used to open at around 9 or 10pm and stay open until 3 or 4am . Now they open around 5pm and I 'm not sure what time they close . My guess would be around 1am since the most of his customers have to be out of the bars by midnight . The owner has watched me grow from a party girl into a girl who rarely stays up past 10pm anymore . I do make an exception every now and then and have been known to party until midnight . I know . Pretty impressive huh ? Now that I am done impressing you , I suppose I should tell you a little more about California Chicken . The chicken is amazing . Especially after you 've been drinking . You know you gotta have that drunk food . Everyone has a spot they go to after drinking . Right ? For some , it 's Taco Bell ( in the States . . . . and I don 't get it ) and for a lot of people here in Iwakuni , it 's California Chicken . Here are a couple of shots of the menu - The hot dogs are pretty good . I haven 't tried the spicy one , but I hear that it is very spicy ! The fries are really good ( I crave fries when I drink ) and the fried rice is also pretty amazing ! I used to always get the bag of chicken with the mayo / ketchup sauce . Mmmmm . So good . Now that I am older and trying ( I did say " trying " ) to be a little better about what I eat at midnight , I usually get the chicken sandwich and share it . Not to say that you shouldn 't have the chicken because you absolutely should ! Just go at 5pm and get it for dinner instead . Andy got a bag of chicken and Kelly and I got a chicken sandwich . Chicken sandwich . Then I got smart and just took a piece out and set it on the bag . We took our food to our favorite little karaoke place by the base , Niagara . It 's not very big , but we love the guys who work there . And we just love to sing . It 's 200yen per song . Oh . AND they let us bring our food in and take pictures of it and eat it . What a great evening . I 'm really going to miss my friend Kelly and her goofy husband , Andy . It 's one thing I don 't like about being on a military base . . . . . . saying goodbye . We didn 't say goodbye though because we are already making plans of seeing each other again very soon . To get to California Chicken , go out the main gate and go straight through the intersection after the railroad tracks . Once you go through , you 'll keep going straight for just a little bit ( maybe not even a minute if you are driving ) . California Chicken is on your right side . Just look for the American Flag and the California sign - Last night I was a total pig . So much so that I have two places to blog about ! Seriously . It was Kelly and Andy 's last night in Iwakuni ( sad face ) so we asked them where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do . They wanted to go to a few of the local bars one last time . Since we were staying close to base , we decided Uhei would be a great place for dinner . I haven 't been to Uhei 's since last year . It 's a nice little izakaya close to base . Izakaya is a type of restaurant . The best way I can describe it is that it 's and eat / drink place . The dishes you order are smaller portions so you can order a bunch of different things and kind of munch and drink . They are also meant to be shared . This way you get to have a variety of food . The food at Uhei is good . They even have a party room upstairs to accommodate larger groups . We sat down and the guys ordered beers while Kelly and I ordered some hot tea and started looking over the menu . Let me preface this by saying , we were supposed to go to dinner about . . . umm . . . two hours before this so we were all starving by the time we arrived at the restaurant . Starving ! We did share a basket of fried pickles at the club a few hours before heading to dinner . The fried pickles at the club on base are addictive ! Okay . Back to our dinner . We picked out what we wanted and wrote them down on the piece of paper they provide on the table . We then handed our paper over to the really nice lady who works there . Within a few minutes , she came back with one of our items . Tempura platter . Andy was ready to dig in ! The pumpkin and the shrimp were so good ! ! ! ! We were pretty stuffed and happy at this point . We still had some bars to hit and one more food stop before the night was over though so we decided to move on . To get to Uhei 's , go out main gate and go straight . At the light you want to make a hard right into the small road on the other side of the gas station that 's on your right . As soon as you make the hard right , you 'll see a small parking lot on your left . That is the parking for Uhei . Uhei is right next to the parking lot . The light was on when we arrived , but I guess it was pretty late when we left . They are open from 5pm - 11pm ( last order is at 10 : 30pm ) . Closed on Sundays . If you 're looking for something quick and near the base , Uhei is a great place to try out . You can even walk to it . I should have . I needed to work off all of the fried food I ingested throughout the evening . We did walk to the bar we went to afterwards . Does that count ? I wasn 't done eating though . Check out my next blog to read about where we went for more food . I was so excited about the Lantern Festival and all of the " festival food " I was going to partake in . Then I got out there and was disappointed . It wasn 't anything like the normal festival food . No grilled squid on a stick . No cotton candy ! I know ! THAT should not be allowed . No grilled corn on the cob . I think that 's why it took me so long to blog about it ( 4 days ! ) . It takes me a few days to get over food disappointment . I mean . . . . I could almost taste that grilled squid I was going to have . I shouldn 't be so down about it though . I should embrace the food that they did have . It was kind of neat I guess . They had food trucks from different areas set up in a parking lot . There was the Sasebo Burger truck . Sasebo burgers are supposed to be amazing . Unfortunately , it 's best to get one in Sasebo so I had to pass . There were a few selling shaved ice . Okay . That is festival food . I just wasn 't in the mood for it . Then we saw a takoyaki ( these doughy balls with octopus in the middle ) truck . I got a little excited . We 're getting somewhere . Unfortunately , Jason is not a big fan of takoyaki so we kept looking . There was a taco truck . Interesting . I have never seen a taco truck in Japan . I might have to do it . Saw another shaved ice truck , but they also sold fresh strawberry softcream . Mmmmm ! ! But I need real food . Focus , Linda . That 's when we saw it . IT was going to be our dinner . Yakisoba wrapped in an omelet . Who knew ? It smelled good , and it looked good . There was a line ( usually a good sign ) . We stood in line and bought one to share . While standing in line , I noticed a truck that was selling beef wrapped rice balls . Really ? How could I pass that up ? We got our " omu - soba " and looked for a couple of seats . Luckily , there were some ladies who were just leaving so we grabbed their seats . We sat down and started eating the yakisoba . It was so good . We gobbled it up in no time . Doesn 't that look good ? ! After we finished our omu - soba , I got up and went over to the beef wrapped rice ball truck and bought one for us to share . I took a picture , but I can 't post it because it looks offensive . Seriously . Offensive . So , I tasted it and it was . . . . . . not very good . The meat tasted like it was marinated in this really weird sauce . I took one bite and was done with it . Jason didn 't like it either . As much as I hate throwing food away , that one went in the trash . I 'm looking forward to the festival at Kintai on 6 August . There will be all kinds of stalls with all of the wonderful festival food I crave . Candied apples , cotton candy , yakitori , grilled corn on the cob , and more ! Bring it on ! I also have to let you know , there will be an amazing fireworks display at the end of the evening . It is really beautiful ! Buy a Yukata ( summer kimono ) if you don 't already have one ( Fuji Grand is having a huge sale on them right now ) and head to Kintai on Saturday , the 6th . Our plan was to go to G - Labo for lunch today . Unfortunately , they were closed . Apparently , they are closed ever Tuesday . So then we tried to go to Ronin , which is very close to G - Labo . Yeah , they were closed too . And so were the steak place and the Chinese place we tried to go to . So we went to Shiva instead . Because they were open , and we were hungry . We walked in and it 's a nice little place . Not super big , but not really small either . We looked over the lunch menu and we all decided to get the A Lunch Set . It came with curry ( you get to choose from four different kinds ) , nan , salad , and a little bit of rice . I 'm not sure if it normally includes a drink ( it didn 't look like it on the menu ) , but he gave us drinks at no extra charge . So , it was 780yen for everything . Not bad . Here is what comes with the A Lunch - Small salad . It was okay . My chicken curry , nan , and rice . You get a choice of chicken curry , pork curry , kema curry , or vegetable curry . I thought the curry tasted fine , but I think I like the nan better at Ganesh . To get to Shiva , go out of the main gate and turn right at four corners ( the intersection after the railroad tracks ) . Follow the road all the way downtown . You 'll pass Fuji Grand on your right . Keep going until you come to a rotary ( it should be the fourth light after Fuji Grand ) . You will turn left at the rotary , and at the first light you will make another left . Make the first right turn and park at the pay parking on your left . It 's 100yen per hour and close to quite a few restaurants . You should see the covered shopping area and you should see Ganesh . Shiva is across from Ganesh and to the left a little . Here is what it looks like on the outside . Were any of you here in the 80 's or 90 's ? If so , this front door might look a little familiar to you . There was an arcade a bunch of us would hang out at in the covered shopping area . This was it ! ! ! The arcade shut down some time ago . Not sure what it was before it became Shiva , but every time I see that door I think about the arcade . Brings back memories . . . . oops . I digress . If you are in the mood for some nan and curry , check out Shiva . I thought it was reasonably priced for lunch and the food was good . Yes , I prefer the nan at Ganesh but I 'm not saying the nan at Shiva is bad . Just different . Last Saturday night we went out to dinner with some friends . It was a farewell dinner for our friends , Kelly and Andy . It was a great time , but bittersweet also since it was going to be their last Saturday night here in Iwakuni . We went to Kikutei for dinner and the food was good as always . I have to say I do have mixed feelings about Kikutei . Everyone usually gets the all - you - can - eat - and - drink dinner when they go . There are usually coupons in the Preview for 300yen off . That 's what we did last night . For me and Jason , it was 6900yen with the coupons . The spread is pretty amazing . I did take pictures ( of course ! ) . You get a huge platter of beef and chicken and veggies . Chicken in a wonderful sesame sauce and garlic bread . Both are super yummy ! And it comes with salad too . I don 't know what kind of dressing they use , but it is very tasty . It is a yakiniku ( fried meat ) restaurant so you will be cooking your own food on a little grill in the middle of your table . For those of you who feel that when you go out to eat it 's so you DON ' T have to cook , this restaurant is not for you . Some of you may think that is funny , but years ago I made reservations for a bunch of people at a yakiniku restaurant and one of the guys actually complained about having to cook his own food . I thought everyone would like it and think it was a neat experience . He was really upset . I never thought of it that way before because I 've always enjoyed it , but I guess he kind of had a point . So , I cooked for him . The drink menu is pretty decent . They have a good selection of alcoholic drinks and non - alcoholic drinks . I don 't think it 's on the menu , but I always get the ume ( plum ) sour . You should try a few of the sours to see which one you like the best . In the winter time I like getting umeshu no oyu wari . It 's plum sake mixed with hot water . Mmmm . Perfect when it 's cold outside . This is just part of the drink menu There are some individual tables downstairs , but if you have a group of people you can reserve the rooms upstairs . As you can see , everything is on the table and ready for you when you arrive . We were upstairs since there were eleven of us . We didn 't waste any time filling the grill up with food ! There are two sauces on the table for you to dip your food into once it 's cooked . One sauce is a little spicy ( not really ) and the other one is supposed to be a little sweeter . I usually mix the two . This is where my mixed feelings come into play . If you don 't want to do the all - you - can - eat - and - drink plan , they do offer a family platter ( 3500yen ) . You can also order other items individually . I 've been here a few times and I have done both . When there are children in the group , or if I know we are not going to be drinking I prefer to order the family platter . I feel like we waste food when we get the all you can eat because we always have food left over . We don 't have that problem when we order the family platter , and it 's less expensive . To get to Kikutei , head out the main gate . At four corners ( intersection after the railroad tracks ) , make a right . Go straight until you pass Fuji Grand ( it will be on your right ) . At the second light after you pass Fuji Grand , turn left . Go straight through a mini intersection and then at the next little intersection , you should see this building on the left corner - You have arrived ! The owner speaks English and they have English menus . The service is good and the staff is friendly . Whether you 're looking for a place to have a large gathering , or you just want to have a nice family dinner , Kikutei is a definite must try . Reservations are recommended . The number is 0827 - 30 - 1234 . There are a few conveyor belt sushi joints in Iwakuni , but my absolute favorite is Akiyama . I think some people call it " The Wave " or " The Big Wave " . The first time someone told me about " The Wave " , I had no idea what they were talking about and told them they would have to show me where this amazing sushi restaurant was . As we got up to it , I said " Ohhhh . . . . you mean Akiyama ! " We had a good laugh about it . I guess I can see why people call it " The Wave " There is a big wave on the side of the building . Even though you can see the sushi going around on the conveyor belt , they do have menus . If you don 't see what you want on the conveyor , you can order what you want . They also have miso soup , udon , and a few other little dishes that you can order . And they do have English menus . If you 've never been to a sushi - go - around before , you should try it . First of all , it 's cool to watch the many plates of sushi go by . See ? Pretty cool huh ? It 's even better in person . Second of all , it 's fast . Short on time ? No problem . Just sit down and start picking up what you want . I 've had lunch in 15 minutes before . even if you order something , they make it pretty quickly . Don 't like raw fish ? No worries . They have cooked items also . One of my favorites is the " salmonfly roll " ( I think they meant salmonFRY roll , but that 's just me ) . They also have boiled shrimp . I don 't have pictures of all the different selections they have , but they do have a few cooked items on the menu . The prices are based on the color of the plate , and they start from 126yen per plate and go up to 525yen . The 525yen plates are usually the fatty tuna or the crab . Some of you might be asking why I would prefer Akiyama over the 105 Sushi down the street . Yes , the 105 is very cheap . Each plate is 105yen . I can taste a difference in the fish though . Akiyama tastes like fresh fish and 105 tastes like frozen fish to me . I love sushi . A lot . So I would rather pay a little more in order to get good sushi . I also think the rice tastes different at the 105 . I prefer the rice at Akiyama . Don 't take my word for it though . Try the 105 , and then try Akiyama . See if you notice a difference . There is one sushi I always get when I go to Akiyama . I love the salmon with onions and mayo . Mmmmm ! If you don 't like wasabi , you can order the sushi you want and just request no wasabi . Or you can look to see if they have these cute things going around - Most children don 't like wasabi so they put the wasabi - less sushi on these cute things and send them around the conveyor . It 's okay . I grab the sushi off of them all of the time . I don 't like wasabi . Akiyama will also do take out . You can go and order what you want off the menu and they will prepare it and put it in a take out container for you . You will be charged a container fee , but I think it is only 30yen . If you go on the weekend , go early . It gets very busy and you may have to wait a while if you go later in the evening . If you go and the parking lot is full , they have additional parking across the street . Now for the directions . The easiest way to get there is to go out of the Monzen gate . As you are coming out of the gate go to the right . Stay to the left and make the left turn . About a minute or two down the road , you will see a side road on your right . Turn right there . Go over the railroad tracks and you will come to a light ( Yellow Hat will be on your left ) . Turn left at the light . As you drive down the street , you 'll see the 105 on your right . Keep going and you 'll come to another light . Akiyama is on your right side right after you go through this light . If you feel more comfortable going out of main gate , then exit main gate and go straight until you get to four corners ( the first intersection after you go over the railroad tracks ) . Turn left and go straight for a little while . You 'll go over a bridge . Keep going straight . Eventually , you 'll see Yellow Hat on your left and then the 105 on your right . Keep going and you 'll come to a light right after you pass the 105 . Go through the light and Akiyama is right there on your right . If you have never had conveyor belt sushi , I encourage you to give it a try . It 's a great experience and it 's good sushi . Posted by I headed up to Hiroshima today with my good friend Kelly and her friend Andrea ( hope I spelled her name right ) . Since Kelly is leaving in a couple of weeks ( boooooo ! ! ) , she got to pick our lunch spot . She said right away , " Manao ! " . I have never been to Manao so I was happy to go . I love trying new places ! Then she said it was Thai food . GOOD Thai food . Hmmm . . . even better . We made our way to the restaurant ( after a little pit stop at Zara ) and the place was pretty busy . We got one of the last open tables . I have to tell you right off the bat that the menu is in Japanese AND English . I took a picture of part of the menu . I obviously need to pay attention in photography class more . Sorry , this isn 't such a great picture , but it gives you a very small taste of their menu . Kelly says the dinner menu is a LOT bigger than the lunch menu . I will have to come back for dinner ! After looking over the menu , I decided I had to have a fruit shake ( highly recommended by Kelly ! ) . The problem was trying to decide what flavor I wanted . Mango sounded yummy ! But so did the watermelon , and the pineapple . . . . I could go on and on . I finally decided to go with the watermelon . Kelly chose the mango . Unfortunately , they were out of mango ( it 's very popular ) so Kelly went with coconut . Now we had to decide on what to eat . They offer lunch sets for 900yen . Kelly and Andrea decided to go with a lunch set . Kelly got the chicken green curry , and Andrea got the kabocha ( Japanese pumpkin ) curry . Ohhhh ! I wanted to try to kabocha curry ! I LOVE Japanese pumpkin ! I asked our server if it was really spicy and she said yes so I had to pass . I decided on this pork / basil / rice with fried egg on top dish . I love anything with basil in it . Kelly also ordered some fresh spring rolls for us to munch on while we waited for our food . Because Kelly and Andrea ordered lunch sets , they each got a salad . I got excited when I saw the salads because they had some goya in them . Goya is like a bitter cucumber ( kinda ? ? ) . I love it ! ! ! When I go to Okinawa I eat as much as I can ! ! According to Kelly and Andrea , the salad was good . Then they brought out the fresh spring rolls . Wow ! These were so good . There were vegetables and some chicken in the middle . The sauce that came with it was really tasty too . Big hit with us ! Just to let you know though , there are only two pieces in one order . While we were oohing and ahhing over the fresh spring rolls , they brought our fruit shakes over . Oh my gosh ! Mine was so amazing . It was really like eating fresh , sweet watermelon . I tasted Kelly 's and if you like coconut , you will love the coconut fruit shake . Even though they call it a " shake " , it 's pure fruit and ice . I want to go back and try them all ! At this point , I 'm pretty happy with this place that Kelly brought me to . Apparently a lot of people feel the same way she does about Manao because I realize there are people waiting for a table now . Quite a few people . They start to bring our meals over . Then they brought out Andrea 's kabocha curry . Oh my goodness . It smelled so good . Then it was my pork / basil / rice with fried egg on top dish . Kelly has had the green curry before and she says it 's her favorite . She tasted the kabocha curry though and I think she is going to change her favorite ( sorry green curry ! ) . Andrea said it was awesome . I wish I could tell you what the spice levels were like , but they both said they didn 't think it was too spicy . This is coming from two ladies who usually get level 6 or 7 at Ganesh . I 'm a level 1 . If you like spicy , you 'll be just fine . If you don 't like spicy ( like me ) , then there are some options for you . My lunch was really good . Great flavors , and they give you a lot . Maybe I was full from the fresh spring rolls and the yummy watermelon shake , but I couldn 't eat all of my food . The prices are not bad ( just don 't think about the crappy exchange rate ! ) . My lunch was about 1 , 500yen . That included my watermelon shake . The atmosphere is nice and the staff is very friendly and helpful . I will definitely be going back to check out their dinner menu ! ! Here is my attempt at giving some decent directions . I should have put a disclaimer on my blog because sometimes I am not the best direction giver . If you know the covered shopping arcade , we 're okay . The best directions I can give would be - If you are at the big Starbucks that is across from Parco 's , keep walking down the covered arcade past Starbuck 's and away from Parco . You 'll pass a Claire 's on your right . Keep going . Or you can stop in Claire 's and do a little shopping . At the very first side street you come to on you right , turn right . There 's a little convenience store there . Walk a little ( like a minute ) and you 'll come to a tiny little intersection . Manao 's is on the corner on your right . You have to go upstairs . You should see these pictures and this sign at the bottom of the steps - There are a couple of places I have to stop at when I go to Hiroshima . One is Starbucks , and the other is a place called Choco Cro . Kelly turned me on to Choco Cro too . They are amazing little croissants with chocolate inside . I can 't go home without buying a box of them . Yes . A box . It 's approximately 750yen for a box . . . . or it might have been 780yen . I don 't even look at the price . I know I 'm buying a box no matter what . Sometimes they have strawberry ones . Oh , those are my favorite . I 'm not gonna lie . These are not good for you . But they sure do taste good ! Feel free to post some of your favorite spots in Hiroshima . I would love to get ideas for other restaurants to try . And the next time you 're in Hiroshima and you are in the mood for great Thai food , head over to Manao 's . I am pretty sure you 'll be happy you did .
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If you 've been here for a little while , you 've probably already heard about California Chicken . Boy does this place bring back lots of memories . . . . . of the days when I used to party until 3 or 4 in the morning and head on over to California 's for a bag of chicken to take home . Yes , the Marines used to be able to party all night here . And California Chicken used to open at around 9 or 10pm and stay open until 3 or 4am . Now they open around 5pm and I 'm not sure what time they close . My guess would be around 1am since the most of his customers have to be out of the bars by midnight . The owner has watched me grow from a party girl into a girl who rarely stays up past 10pm anymore . I do make an exception every now and then and have been known to party until midnight . I know . Pretty impressive huh ? Now that I am done impressing you , I suppose I should tell you a little more about California Chicken . The chicken is amazing . Especially after you 've been drinking . You know you gotta have that drunk food . Everyone has a spot they go to after drinking . Right ? For some , it 's Taco Bell ( in the States . . . . and I don 't get it ) and for a lot of people here in Iwakuni , it 's California Chicken . Here are a couple of shots of the menu - The hot dogs are pretty good . I haven 't tried the spicy one , but I hear that it is very spicy ! The fries are really good ( I crave fries when I drink ) and the fried rice is also pretty amazing ! I used to always get the bag of chicken with the mayo / ketchup sauce . Mmmmm . So good . Now that I am older and trying ( I did say " trying " ) to be a little better about what I eat at midnight , I usually get the chicken sandwich and share it . Not to say that you shouldn 't have the chicken because you absolutely should ! Just go at 5pm and get it for dinner instead . Andy got a bag of chicken and Kelly and I got a chicken sandwich . Chicken sandwich . Then I got smart and just took a piece out and set it on the bag . We took our food to our favorite little karaoke place by the base , Niagara . It 's not very big , but we love the guys who work there . And we just love to sing . It 's 200yen per song . Oh . AND they let us bring our food in and take pictures of it and eat it . What a great evening . I 'm really going to miss my friend Kelly and her goofy husband , Andy . It 's one thing I don 't like about being on a military base . . . . . . saying goodbye . We didn 't say goodbye though because we are already making plans of seeing each other again very soon . To get to California Chicken , go out the main gate and go straight through the intersection after the railroad tracks . Once you go through , you 'll keep going straight for just a little bit ( maybe not even a minute if you are driving ) . California Chicken is on your right side . Just look for the American Flag and the California sign - Last night I was a total pig . So much so that I have two places to blog about ! Seriously . It was Kelly and Andy 's last night in Iwakuni ( sad face ) so we asked them where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do . They wanted to go to a few of the local bars one last time . Since we were staying close to base , we decided Uhei would be a great place for dinner . I haven 't been to Uhei 's since last year . It 's a nice little izakaya close to base . Izakaya is a type of restaurant . The best way I can describe it is that it 's and eat / drink place . The dishes you order are smaller portions so you can order a bunch of different things and kind of munch and drink . They are also meant to be shared . This way you get to have a variety of food . The food at Uhei is good . They even have a party room upstairs to accommodate larger groups . We sat down and the guys ordered beers while Kelly and I ordered some hot tea and started looking over the menu . Let me preface this by saying , we were supposed to go to dinner about . . . umm . . . two hours before this so we were all starving by the time we arrived at the restaurant . Starving ! We did share a basket of fried pickles at the club a few hours before heading to dinner . The fried pickles at the club on base are addictive ! Okay . Back to our dinner . We picked out what we wanted and wrote them down on the piece of paper they provide on the table . We then handed our paper over to the really nice lady who works there . Within a few minutes , she came back with one of our items . Tempura platter . Andy was ready to dig in ! The pumpkin and the shrimp were so good ! ! ! ! We were pretty stuffed and happy at this point . We still had some bars to hit and one more food stop before the night was over though so we decided to move on . To get to Uhei 's , go out main gate and go straight . At the light you want to make a hard right into the small road on the other side of the gas station that 's on your right . As soon as you make the hard right , you 'll see a small parking lot on your left . That is the parking for Uhei . Uhei is right next to the parking lot . The light was on when we arrived , but I guess it was pretty late when we left . They are open from 5pm - 11pm ( last order is at 10 : 30pm ) . Closed on Sundays . If you 're looking for something quick and near the base , Uhei is a great place to try out . You can even walk to it . I should have . I needed to work off all of the fried food I ingested throughout the evening . We did walk to the bar we went to afterwards . Does that count ? I wasn 't done eating though . Check out my next blog to read about where we went for more food . I was so excited about the Lantern Festival and all of the " festival food " I was going to partake in . Then I got out there and was disappointed . It wasn 't anything like the normal festival food . No grilled squid on a stick . No cotton candy ! I know ! THAT should not be allowed . No grilled corn on the cob . I think that 's why it took me so long to blog about it ( 4 days ! ) . It takes me a few days to get over food disappointment . I mean . . . . I could almost taste that grilled squid I was going to have . I shouldn 't be so down about it though . I should embrace the food that they did have . It was kind of neat I guess . They had food trucks from different areas set up in a parking lot . There was the Sasebo Burger truck . Sasebo burgers are supposed to be amazing . Unfortunately , it 's best to get one in Sasebo so I had to pass . There were a few selling shaved ice . Okay . That is festival food . I just wasn 't in the mood for it . Then we saw a takoyaki ( these doughy balls with octopus in the middle ) truck . I got a little excited . We 're getting somewhere . Unfortunately , Jason is not a big fan of takoyaki so we kept looking . There was a taco truck . Interesting . I have never seen a taco truck in Japan . I might have to do it . Saw another shaved ice truck , but they also sold fresh strawberry softcream . Mmmmm ! ! But I need real food . Focus , Linda . That 's when we saw it . IT was going to be our dinner . Yakisoba wrapped in an omelet . Who knew ? It smelled good , and it looked good . There was a line ( usually a good sign ) . We stood in line and bought one to share . While standing in line , I noticed a truck that was selling beef wrapped rice balls . Really ? How could I pass that up ? We got our " omu - soba " and looked for a couple of seats . Luckily , there were some ladies who were just leaving so we grabbed their seats . We sat down and started eating the yakisoba . It was so good . We gobbled it up in no time . Doesn 't that look good ? ! After we finished our omu - soba , I got up and went over to the beef wrapped rice ball truck and bought one for us to share . I took a picture , but I can 't post it because it looks offensive . Seriously . Offensive . So , I tasted it and it was . . . . . . not very good . The meat tasted like it was marinated in this really weird sauce . I took one bite and was done with it . Jason didn 't like it either . As much as I hate throwing food away , that one went in the trash . I 'm looking forward to the festival at Kintai on 6 August . There will be all kinds of stalls with all of the wonderful festival food I crave . Candied apples , cotton candy , yakitori , grilled corn on the cob , and more ! Bring it on ! I also have to let you know , there will be an amazing fireworks display at the end of the evening . It is really beautiful ! Buy a Yukata ( summer kimono ) if you don 't already have one ( Fuji Grand is having a huge sale on them right now ) and head to Kintai on Saturday , the 6th . Our plan was to go to G - Labo for lunch today . Unfortunately , they were closed . Apparently , they are closed ever Tuesday . So then we tried to go to Ronin , which is very close to G - Labo . Yeah , they were closed too . And so were the steak place and the Chinese place we tried to go to . So we went to Shiva instead . Because they were open , and we were hungry . We walked in and it 's a nice little place . Not super big , but not really small either . We looked over the lunch menu and we all decided to get the A Lunch Set . It came with curry ( you get to choose from four different kinds ) , nan , salad , and a little bit of rice . I 'm not sure if it normally includes a drink ( it didn 't look like it on the menu ) , but he gave us drinks at no extra charge . So , it was 780yen for everything . Not bad . Here is what comes with the A Lunch - Small salad . It was okay . My chicken curry , nan , and rice . You get a choice of chicken curry , pork curry , kema curry , or vegetable curry . I thought the curry tasted fine , but I think I like the nan better at Ganesh . To get to Shiva , go out of the main gate and turn right at four corners ( the intersection after the railroad tracks ) . Follow the road all the way downtown . You 'll pass Fuji Grand on your right . Keep going until you come to a rotary ( it should be the fourth light after Fuji Grand ) . You will turn left at the rotary , and at the first light you will make another left . Make the first right turn and park at the pay parking on your left . It 's 100yen per hour and close to quite a few restaurants . You should see the covered shopping area and you should see Ganesh . Shiva is across from Ganesh and to the left a little . Here is what it looks like on the outside . Were any of you here in the 80 's or 90 's ? If so , this front door might look a little familiar to you . There was an arcade a bunch of us would hang out at in the covered shopping area . This was it ! ! ! The arcade shut down some time ago . Not sure what it was before it became Shiva , but every time I see that door I think about the arcade . Brings back memories . . . . oops . I digress . If you are in the mood for some nan and curry , check out Shiva . I thought it was reasonably priced for lunch and the food was good . Yes , I prefer the nan at Ganesh but I 'm not saying the nan at Shiva is bad . Just different . Last Saturday night we went out to dinner with some friends . It was a farewell dinner for our friends , Kelly and Andy . It was a great time , but bittersweet also since it was going to be their last Saturday night here in Iwakuni . We went to Kikutei for dinner and the food was good as always . I have to say I do have mixed feelings about Kikutei . Everyone usually gets the all - you - can - eat - and - drink dinner when they go . There are usually coupons in the Preview for 300yen off . That 's what we did last night . For me and Jason , it was 6900yen with the coupons . The spread is pretty amazing . I did take pictures ( of course ! ) . You get a huge platter of beef and chicken and veggies . Chicken in a wonderful sesame sauce and garlic bread . Both are super yummy ! And it comes with salad too . I don 't know what kind of dressing they use , but it is very tasty . It is a yakiniku ( fried meat ) restaurant so you will be cooking your own food on a little grill in the middle of your table . For those of you who feel that when you go out to eat it 's so you DON ' T have to cook , this restaurant is not for you . Some of you may think that is funny , but years ago I made reservations for a bunch of people at a yakiniku restaurant and one of the guys actually complained about having to cook his own food . I thought everyone would like it and think it was a neat experience . He was really upset . I never thought of it that way before because I 've always enjoyed it , but I guess he kind of had a point . So , I cooked for him . The drink menu is pretty decent . They have a good selection of alcoholic drinks and non - alcoholic drinks . I don 't think it 's on the menu , but I always get the ume ( plum ) sour . You should try a few of the sours to see which one you like the best . In the winter time I like getting umeshu no oyu wari . It 's plum sake mixed with hot water . Mmmm . Perfect when it 's cold outside . This is just part of the drink menu There are some individual tables downstairs , but if you have a group of people you can reserve the rooms upstairs . As you can see , everything is on the table and ready for you when you arrive . We were upstairs since there were eleven of us . We didn 't waste any time filling the grill up with food ! There are two sauces on the table for you to dip your food into once it 's cooked . One sauce is a little spicy ( not really ) and the other one is supposed to be a little sweeter . I usually mix the two . This is where my mixed feelings come into play . If you don 't want to do the all - you - can - eat - and - drink plan , they do offer a family platter ( 3500yen ) . You can also order other items individually . I 've been here a few times and I have done both . When there are children in the group , or if I know we are not going to be drinking I prefer to order the family platter . I feel like we waste food when we get the all you can eat because we always have food left over . We don 't have that problem when we order the family platter , and it 's less expensive . To get to Kikutei , head out the main gate . At four corners ( intersection after the railroad tracks ) , make a right . Go straight until you pass Fuji Grand ( it will be on your right ) . At the second light after you pass Fuji Grand , turn left . Go straight through a mini intersection and then at the next little intersection , you should see this building on the left corner - You have arrived ! The owner speaks English and they have English menus . The service is good and the staff is friendly . Whether you 're looking for a place to have a large gathering , or you just want to have a nice family dinner , Kikutei is a definite must try . Reservations are recommended . The number is 0827 - 30 - 1234 . There are a few conveyor belt sushi joints in Iwakuni , but my absolute favorite is Akiyama . I think some people call it " The Wave " or " The Big Wave " . The first time someone told me about " The Wave " , I had no idea what they were talking about and told them they would have to show me where this amazing sushi restaurant was . As we got up to it , I said " Ohhhh . . . . you mean Akiyama ! " We had a good laugh about it . I guess I can see why people call it " The Wave " There is a big wave on the side of the building . Even though you can see the sushi going around on the conveyor belt , they do have menus . If you don 't see what you want on the conveyor , you can order what you want . They also have miso soup , udon , and a few other little dishes that you can order . And they do have English menus . If you 've never been to a sushi - go - around before , you should try it . First of all , it 's cool to watch the many plates of sushi go by . See ? Pretty cool huh ? It 's even better in person . Second of all , it 's fast . Short on time ? No problem . Just sit down and start picking up what you want . I 've had lunch in 15 minutes before . even if you order something , they make it pretty quickly . Don 't like raw fish ? No worries . They have cooked items also . One of my favorites is the " salmonfly roll " ( I think they meant salmonFRY roll , but that 's just me ) . They also have boiled shrimp . I don 't have pictures of all the different selections they have , but they do have a few cooked items on the menu . The prices are based on the color of the plate , and they start from 126yen per plate and go up to 525yen . The 525yen plates are usually the fatty tuna or the crab . Some of you might be asking why I would prefer Akiyama over the 105 Sushi down the street . Yes , the 105 is very cheap . Each plate is 105yen . I can taste a difference in the fish though . Akiyama tastes like fresh fish and 105 tastes like frozen fish to me . I love sushi . A lot . So I would rather pay a little more in order to get good sushi . I also think the rice tastes different at the 105 . I prefer the rice at Akiyama . Don 't take my word for it though . Try the 105 , and then try Akiyama . See if you notice a difference . There is one sushi I always get when I go to Akiyama . I love the salmon with onions and mayo . Mmmmm ! If you don 't like wasabi , you can order the sushi you want and just request no wasabi . Or you can look to see if they have these cute things going around - Most children don 't like wasabi so they put the wasabi - less sushi on these cute things and send them around the conveyor . It 's okay . I grab the sushi off of them all of the time . I don 't like wasabi . Akiyama will also do take out . You can go and order what you want off the menu and they will prepare it and put it in a take out container for you . You will be charged a container fee , but I think it is only 30yen . If you go on the weekend , go early . It gets very busy and you may have to wait a while if you go later in the evening . If you go and the parking lot is full , they have additional parking across the street . Now for the directions . The easiest way to get there is to go out of the Monzen gate . As you are coming out of the gate go to the right . Stay to the left and make the left turn . About a minute or two down the road , you will see a side road on your right . Turn right there . Go over the railroad tracks and you will come to a light ( Yellow Hat will be on your left ) . Turn left at the light . As you drive down the street , you 'll see the 105 on your right . Keep going and you 'll come to another light . Akiyama is on your right side right after you go through this light . If you feel more comfortable going out of main gate , then exit main gate and go straight until you get to four corners ( the first intersection after you go over the railroad tracks ) . Turn left and go straight for a little while . You 'll go over a bridge . Keep going straight . Eventually , you 'll see Yellow Hat on your left and then the 105 on your right . Keep going and you 'll come to a light right after you pass the 105 . Go through the light and Akiyama is right there on your right . If you have never had conveyor belt sushi , I encourage you to give it a try . It 's a great experience and it 's good sushi . Posted by I headed up to Hiroshima today with my good friend Kelly and her friend Andrea ( hope I spelled her name right ) . Since Kelly is leaving in a couple of weeks ( boooooo ! ! ) , she got to pick our lunch spot . She said right away , " Manao ! " . I have never been to Manao so I was happy to go . I love trying new places ! Then she said it was Thai food . GOOD Thai food . Hmmm . . . even better . We made our way to the restaurant ( after a little pit stop at Zara ) and the place was pretty busy . We got one of the last open tables . I have to tell you right off the bat that the menu is in Japanese AND English . I took a picture of part of the menu . I obviously need to pay attention in photography class more . Sorry , this isn 't such a great picture , but it gives you a very small taste of their menu . Kelly says the dinner menu is a LOT bigger than the lunch menu . I will have to come back for dinner ! After looking over the menu , I decided I had to have a fruit shake ( highly recommended by Kelly ! ) . The problem was trying to decide what flavor I wanted . Mango sounded yummy ! But so did the watermelon , and the pineapple . . . . I could go on and on . I finally decided to go with the watermelon . Kelly chose the mango . Unfortunately , they were out of mango ( it 's very popular ) so Kelly went with coconut . Now we had to decide on what to eat . They offer lunch sets for 900yen . Kelly and Andrea decided to go with a lunch set . Kelly got the chicken green curry , and Andrea got the kabocha ( Japanese pumpkin ) curry . Ohhhh ! I wanted to try to kabocha curry ! I LOVE Japanese pumpkin ! I asked our server if it was really spicy and she said yes so I had to pass . I decided on this pork / basil / rice with fried egg on top dish . I love anything with basil in it . Kelly also ordered some fresh spring rolls for us to munch on while we waited for our food . Because Kelly and Andrea ordered lunch sets , they each got a salad . I got excited when I saw the salads because they had some goya in them . Goya is like a bitter cucumber ( kinda ? ? ) . I love it ! ! ! When I go to Okinawa I eat as much as I can ! ! According to Kelly and Andrea , the salad was good . Then they brought out the fresh spring rolls . Wow ! These were so good . There were vegetables and some chicken in the middle . The sauce that came with it was really tasty too . Big hit with us ! Just to let you know though , there are only two pieces in one order . While we were oohing and ahhing over the fresh spring rolls , they brought our fruit shakes over . Oh my gosh ! Mine was so amazing . It was really like eating fresh , sweet watermelon . I tasted Kelly 's and if you like coconut , you will love the coconut fruit shake . Even though they call it a " shake " , it 's pure fruit and ice . I want to go back and try them all ! At this point , I 'm pretty happy with this place that Kelly brought me to . Apparently a lot of people feel the same way she does about Manao because I realize there are people waiting for a table now . Quite a few people . They start to bring our meals over . Then they brought out Andrea 's kabocha curry . Oh my goodness . It smelled so good . Then it was my pork / basil / rice with fried egg on top dish . Kelly has had the green curry before and she says it 's her favorite . She tasted the kabocha curry though and I think she is going to change her favorite ( sorry green curry ! ) . Andrea said it was awesome . I wish I could tell you what the spice levels were like , but they both said they didn 't think it was too spicy . This is coming from two ladies who usually get level 6 or 7 at Ganesh . I 'm a level 1 . If you like spicy , you 'll be just fine . If you don 't like spicy ( like me ) , then there are some options for you . My lunch was really good . Great flavors , and they give you a lot . Maybe I was full from the fresh spring rolls and the yummy watermelon shake , but I couldn 't eat all of my food . The prices are not bad ( just don 't think about the crappy exchange rate ! ) . My lunch was about 1 , 500yen . That included my watermelon shake . The atmosphere is nice and the staff is very friendly and helpful . I will definitely be going back to check out their dinner menu ! ! Here is my attempt at giving some decent directions . I should have put a disclaimer on my blog because sometimes I am not the best direction giver . If you know the covered shopping arcade , we 're okay . The best directions I can give would be - If you are at the big Starbucks that is across from Parco 's , keep walking down the covered arcade past Starbuck 's and away from Parco . You 'll pass a Claire 's on your right . Keep going . Or you can stop in Claire 's and do a little shopping . At the very first side street you come to on you right , turn right . There 's a little convenience store there . Walk a little ( like a minute ) and you 'll come to a tiny little intersection . Manao 's is on the corner on your right . You have to go upstairs . You should see these pictures and this sign at the bottom of the steps - There are a couple of places I have to stop at when I go to Hiroshima . One is Starbucks , and the other is a place called Choco Cro . Kelly turned me on to Choco Cro too . They are amazing little croissants with chocolate inside . I can 't go home without buying a box of them . Yes . A box . It 's approximately 750yen for a box . . . . or it might have been 780yen . I don 't even look at the price . I know I 'm buying a box no matter what . Sometimes they have strawberry ones . Oh , those are my favorite . I 'm not gonna lie . These are not good for you . But they sure do taste good ! Feel free to post some of your favorite spots in Hiroshima . I would love to get ideas for other restaurants to try . And the next time you 're in Hiroshima and you are in the mood for great Thai food , head over to Manao 's . I am pretty sure you 'll be happy you did .
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Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 James Duncan High Open RP Nestled within the district of Old Braford , James Duncan High is a relatively new educational institution founded in 2012 , but it 's worth can 't be counted in years , but it 's purpose and facets . Named after the famed and fallen hero American Star , James Duncan High functions a revolutionary magnet school , it 's stellar curriculum catering to the needs of two populations : nonpowered and powered students . It 's facilities carry a old - world traditional sense of architecture meshed with cutting edge technology and alluring and smart decor , such as a holographic display above the dual sets of fountains near the front of the building bearing the various deeds of heroes throughout the day within the news . It 's overall structure is a initial brickwork outlined by solid titanium plating , mixed with other alloys often provided by scientific heroes as it faces reconstruction . Walking though the halls , a student would be introduced to the necessary locations within the school grounds by a onsite AI named ESSI , or Educational Systems and Security Interface . Classrooms aside from the obviously different standards of Fine Arts are equipped with desk interfaces that stream a miniaturized version of the smartboard lesson , and are detachable for greater ease of access . It 's cafeteria is outlined with the school 's colors of Red and Gold , bears fully stocked and functional kitchens , televisions that display local and school news , and a pristine view of a large open air courtyard along it 's perimeter that is used to hold dances , and separates the main school from the gym and sports facilities . It 's fine arts department is also notable , as aside from a Orchestra and Art hallway , Digital Media Room and Auditorium , it 's Drama organization is it 's pride and joy aside from it 's stellar football team , the James Duncan All Stars . Currently pacing before class starts within this room is a rather stressed Rosella Burdelon , who awaits the results of her audition for the role of Elphaba in the school 's first production of Wicked . Despite the relative irony of her role , Rose aims to do the best she can , though she is rudely reminded that competition brings out the best of the worst in people , as resident mean girl and former friend Madison Groves strolls in . Clad in a fashionable black nearly see - through blouse and semi short gold silk skirt , partnered with knee high black heeled boots , and full lengths of steely blond hair and piercing grey eyes , Madison 's model like attire grossly parallels that of Rose 's . " My concealer is Cle de Peau , Rosie . One bottle was probably worth more than your gypsy camp ! " Rose blinks at the insult , before simply shaking her head at the girl , muttering in french before replying . " One , I 'm French creole sweetheart , not that you have the brains to even spell the phrase . And two , I 'd slap you , but contracting herpes is not on my list of things to do today , Madison . " She states in a rather expert Boston Brahman accent nearly identical to Madison 's own , who opens her mouth to retort , but chooses silence as they move to their respective seats , as students file in , as does the teacher , ending the verbal war . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Stepping off the bus there Stepping off the bus there was little to tell that the teen aged Robert was a bit more then normal . Baggy jeans , sneakers , a white t shirt , blue hoodie , and black back pack . That was until you spot his back . The glow from the fiberoptics of his cybernetic spine shone through the fabric of the shirt , up to his bald head where it connects to the back of his skull with metallic spider like webbing of metal and faint blue nano cords seen under his skin . His viser connected to the metal band that ends at his ears and on his left arm he had a wearable computer gauntlet like device . He pulled up his hood over his head trying to hide his shaved condition . Without warning a crumbled up paper wad came flying and thought it was aimed for the back of his head he leaned to the left just in time to avoid being hit . He even caught it with his right hand and tossed it into the trash can he was passing . Just another morning at James Duncan High . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni Mercer didn 't have the Toni Mercer didn 't have the figure of either Rose or Maddie , but that was perfectly understandable . The clothing he usually wore could be thought of as " unisex " , and most of the people who realized he was male assumed he was gay . Not that he had a problem with people making that assumption , as long as they kept things civil . . . Toni smiled and nodded at Rosie as he found his own seat . From his pack he pulled out two sheets of music . Which one would he use for the audition ? Fortunately , being in the middle of the alphabet he had time to decide . He hoped he wouldn 't choose the same one Rose did ; he had gotten the role of Viola in Twelfth Night and didn 't find out until later that Rose had wanted it . Ah , well , at least she had beaten Maddie for Olivia . Which would she choose ? Elphaba was the lead role , but from what he 'd learned last week it was hitting the nail a bit squarely . Finally , he went with his gut instinct , and put " Popular " on top . If he guessed wrong , he had a fifty - fifty chance of being able to change it , depending on which end of the alphabet the auditions started on . . . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rose smiles to Toni as he Rose smiles to Toni as he enters , but takes a moment to note his music choice , commenting quietly from her seat beside him . " Oh , I chose No Good Deed , but don 't let that stop you . " The statement would earn a scoff from Madison , who inquires incredulously . " And you think you can pull it off ? Last time I checked Elphaba wasn 't loaded with silicon . " She insults , earning quite a few ' ooohs ' from the rest of the classroom . Madison , not yet yielding , simply turns to switch targets , staring down Toni like a snake . " Oh give me a break fruit loops , at least she can carry half a note . " She hisses , adding . " But I suppose you have better taste in clothes . . . for your standards I suppose . " Any other comments she could have lobbed are effectively cut off when she makes an attempt to plop into her chair , instead hitting the carpet hard on her backside , but the chair didn 't seem to move . . . almost as if it phased through to those with otherwordly senses . " Toni , are you ready ? " She asks with a smile , gesturing to the open door before Rose comments . " Just remember to breathe and not to overcomplicate the piece , you 'll be fine ! " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 In the auditorium , Toni In the auditorium , Toni passed the sheet music to the pianist . Unfortunately , Maddie wasn 't in the auditorium at the moment ; she 'd have made a perfect target for some of the innuendoes . On the other hand , best to keep it as intended . He sang the piece contralto ( well within his usable range ) , and did , he thought , fairly well . " Very nice Toni , and the dynamics were sound . I really can 't nitpick here . . . but I was wondering why not Fiyero ? What made you choose Popular ? " She inquires with her everpresent honeylike tone , making it clear that brief stardom didn 't change how she treated anyone , and she was generally interested . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 The door suddenly busts open The door suddenly busts open and a simple " Sorry i 'm late , teacher . " Could be heard . The door opener stepped in and revealed to be Venomscale aka Damon Blake . He was a reptilian humanoid , with dark green scales covering his body , except the front where he had just horizontally striped though skin , colored tan . He also had a reptilian tail covered in scales . His hands and feet were clawed , and his eyes are red with black vertical stripe pupils . His head resembled a lizard much more than a human . He was wearing a sleeveless brown leather vest and blue jeans held in place by a black leather belt . He didn 't have any shoes due to his clawed feet . He walked to a chair to sit down and once he had gotten closer a small dent in his scales on the left shoulder could be seen , as if someone had attempted to stab him with a knife . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Good question . After all , I " Good question . After all , I need to exercise the lower end of my range , as well . I suppose it was just the habit of going for a showier number . " Toni considered that possibility that Miss Hall was a mind reader . He couldn 't think of a good reason to dismiss the idea . . . Elsewhere , Miss Hall simply smiles as she replies . " Well I see no point in arguing your decision , and yes , for your information , I am a telepath . . that 's part of the reason I left Broadway . You couldn 't go an inch across that stage without hearing what everyone thought of you , no matter how good or grand your performance was . " She reveals in a subdued tone before adding with a wry smile . " But for now shall we keep that a secret , most staff members know it , but I would prefer to leave it a surprise to Miss Groves and the like . " She can 't suppress a sneer at the end of the sentence , showing that she clearly wasn 't fond of the venomous girl . Shaking her head , she states in her usual and kind tone . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Venomscale stopped lifting Venomscale stopped lifting and looked at the bully . " Your mouth is full of shit , i think you were in the sewer last night . " He replied , while clenching his hands into fists , careful not to scratch himself with his own claws . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni nodded . " That did seem Toni nodded . " That did seem implied , yes . And of course , I figure you 'll give me whichever role you think will make the better play , or teach us more , or maybe both ? " " All of the above , and I think I have just the part , though you 'll get your role tomorrow ; got to build up SOME suspense now . " She jokes , before leading him back to the Drama room , in which he is gently and kindly ambushed by a smiling Rose and a not so happy Madison , who 's presence feels icy to say the least . Madison speaks frist , much to Rose 's chargin , as Miss Hall takes the next student to the auditorium , though giving Toni a clear look and message : ' If she gets out of line , simply beep me . ' " So , assuming you didn 't flop the entire thing I suppose your my only competition . besides gypsy queen over here . . " She mocks , with emphasis on the word gypsy , as Rose simply flips Madison the bird whilst addressing Toni . " Excuse the dog , she hasn 't had the tact to be spayed yet . And I 'm sure you nailed it Toni . . . but don 't think this means I won 't try any less harder to show you up . " She smiles to him , a clear look of genuine friendship passed as she walks away , sitting promptly to look through her sheet music , examining notes for future improvement . Meanwhile , Madison simply glares him down as she challenges . " If you have any dignity left , I suggest dropping out of the play now . . . then again , it 'd be fun to traunce you both . Ciao , fruit loops . " She deadpans on the last statement , before sauntering over to her own flock to compare notes on their auditions . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon then said : " You are far Damon then said : " You are far too ignorant . And i 'm not sure you even know what ignorant means . " He then got down on all four and stood that way for a moment , but then hissed and leapt forward whit great speed to deliver a straight punch to Kyle 's nose . Note that Damon has super strength . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Kyle was sent several feet Kyle was sent several feet sprawling back by Damon 's sudden punch , a crunch heard as his nose is also promptly broken , blood streeaming down his face as Kyle struggles to get up against a weight rack , clutching his face . Any attempts for the boys to engage in round two is stunted by holographic figure of ESSI appearing before them . Modeled after the school 's principal Janet Ellis , a former heroine herself with the powers of kinetic field generation , it 's appearance is that of a stern looking woman with her hair in a tight bun , clad in a simple glowing business suit and skirt . " That is quite enough , Damon . Coach Wright please escort Mister Coleman to the Nurse 's office . " She commands , as the stiff man does so , urging the boy up angirly in response to his remarks , giving a curt if not slight nod of respect to Damon before exiting the room . " Since this is your first incident on school grounds , Miss Ellis has seen fit to provide you with only two sessions of after school detention , from 2 : 30 to 5 : 30 this afternoon and tomorrow . She also stated that she expects more from you given your academic performance . " With that statement , ESSI in a fold of blue , as other students staring at the scene give their differing reactions , mostly all smiles in Damon 's direction , save for the sneers of Kyle 's abandoned peers , who sulk off to the other side of the room leaderless for now . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Totally worth it . " Damon " Totally worth it . " Damon said , then turned to continue his weightlifting , given that the class has not ended yet . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 The moment the hologram The moment the hologram appeared Robert done the normal teenage boy behavior . " Wasn 't me . " Now that events were over he returned to his Jeet Kun Do practice striking a sand bag with quick fast minimal movement attacks . A perfect fighting style for someone with super fast reflexes , but wasn 't a speedster . " I think you broke his nose . He get lucky or did you pull your punch ? " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Gossip is just gossip . I don " Gossip is just gossip . I don 't care . That punch pretty much came from everyone here except for his goons . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 A voice from over at the A voice from over at the bench press where Damon had been joined the conversation . " A solid hit , Scales . A little brutish and unbalanced , but effective nonetheless . " The speaker was a short , stocky guy with pale skin , auburn hair , and ice - blue eyes . He smiled easily as he leaned on the bar of the bench press . " Me , I prefer a bit more subtlety in my approach to sending a message . Check the goon squad over there . " he said , indicating Kyle 's posse sulking by the leg press . At the corner of Robert and Damon 's eyes , the red - haired young man would seem to flicker briefly . Then Kyle 's goons were hollering and tripping over themselves as they 'd all been pantsed and their shoelaces had been tied together . The short guy smiled again and walked over to Damon and Robert . " How ya doin ' ? I 'm Andy Donovan . " - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon paused the Damon paused the weightlifting to look at Kyle 's goons as they start tripping . " Impressive speed . I 'm Damon Blake . " He released his right hand from the weights to give Andy a handshake , careful not to injure him with his clawed hand . " Doing good , but i feel like i 'm lifting wooden sticks here . " He said . Andy would notice that Damon has no trouble at all holding the maxed out weight bar with one hand . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . Watch the clock there . " he said , pointing at the wall . The clock 's second hand ticked to : 55 , then it took five seconds to tick from : 55 to : 56 . After that , it progressed from : 56 to : 01 almost instantly . Andy grinned and leaned back on his arms . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Time manipulation , then . " Time manipulation , then . Still impressive . " He said as he watched the clock . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni smiled at both girls , Toni smiled at both girls , though if she were perceptive Maddie might have noticed the one directed at her was a bit fake . " Of course I didn 't flop . And I expect nothing less than your best from either of you . " Looking at Maddie , his smile faded as he added , " For whatever your best is worth . " In fact , if there were three things that landed him the stage management job for the school play , they were the fact that he was always early , the fact that he almost never talks unless he has to , and the fact that he has a free period first thing Tuesday Morning . To be fair , however , as Connor tapped his pencil against his clipboard while waiting for further instruction from the play 's director , his sunken eyes began to drift away , staring off into space as he thought of all the wonderful dreams that he could be having at that hour . After all , it wasn 't his fault that he could see ghosts , and it was even less of his fault to consider that they have the tendency to keep people up at night . Sure , every once in a while you get something interesting from a few of them ( a group of Union soldiers that once wandered through the walls of his bedroom gave him enough information to pass his Civil War test a few months ago ) , but more often than not , there 's a lot of noise , as if there were about six times as many people out on the streets at night than there should be . Connor pulled himself back to reality for a few moments as he realized that the director 's lips were moving again . He instinctively grabbed the paper coffee - cup next to him , nearly spilling it as he took a haphazard sip , and immediately begin scribbling on the paper attached to the clipboard . " . . . Sorry . Say that again ? " blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 The 72 classic olds 442 The 72 classic olds 442 pulled into the student parking . It wasn 't the prettiest looking car , it had a few dents and was a dull flat grey color . However the engine purred with perfection . Keith had spent countless hours restoring it . All he needed to do was finish the body work . He left the convertible top down and hopped out . He walked up to the school and opened the door . Her wore his school jacket with pride . He was a co captain of the hockey team and captain of the baseball team . " Mr Gateman , if you are done we still need those costumes rolled in from the drama room , Miss Hall left a key near your cup . And also , I 'd be sure to wipe away the coffee mustache before heading there . " He smiles as he notes , moving to the other wide of the stage before adding . " And please inform Miss Groves , Miss Burdelon and Mister Mercer that Miss Hall would like them to stay after school , same as you for dress rehearsal . " " If I didn 't know any better , I think she sees you as a threat . . . relish in that for a moment . And also , calm down . . . excessive studying is just going to tire you out for the rehearsal , whatever you get is whatever you get , mon ami . " She states softly . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 The Jock King would find his The Jock King would find his way into the nurse 's office , feeling a pulse of empathy almost immediately . In front of the red - mohawked menace was a scrawny boy sitting in a chair , turned towards the nurse with his hands folded in his lap and his leg pumping a hundred times per minute . He was nervous . . . He wore a basic Zipper Hoodie , navy blue , and tan cargo pants with simple , mid - price - range sneakers . He was one of those students who the Jock had never given a second thought to . The Nurse herself was reading over the paper in her hands : a doctor 's note , and also spoke with a man over the phone . Presumably the Doctor . " Yes I understand that he 's a special case . He seems to have the opposite effect . . . " The student in front of the nurse turned to see Kyle and offered him a couple paper towels to deal with the bleeding on his face . A good few drips had already reached his shirt and stained in ugly patterns with the already - existing sweat stains . The scrawny boy avoided saying anything , afraid he might pull on the wrong emotional chord and get himself in trouble with the populars . Kyle gave one of those cocky upward head nobs of ' thanks kid ' that the upper crust liked to do . The only reason he even fit in , this smaller teen , was because his powers were never out . The larger jock dabbed the blood from his face , careful to avoid touching his nose to make it hurt . He gave the outward tough - guy expression , even though he was in pain . Finally the Nurse hung up the phone and signed the document . " Okay Vincent . Now , I 'm approving your medication , but I need you to take this form to the principal . I 've signed it , so she knows it has my okay . " The teacher handed the paper and an unmarked flask to the boy , as well as a measuring cup that often came with cough syrup . Kyle gave an odd look to the nurse . Was he just given booze as medication ? " Remember Vincent , you 're only supposed to take 2 ounces at most , every 8 hours . A little bit during lunch , and you should be good until you get home . A little bit when you wake up , and a little bit before you go to bed . . . " The Nurse let out a sigh and shook her head . " I still find it hard to believe that you need to take CHASER of all things to stay like that . " Vincent winced at the word she used . Chaser was an unfortunate necessity to keep his power in check . If he didn 't take it , the likely scenario was that he 'd start heating up until everything around him starting bursting into flame . Vince nodded and gave a small " thanks . . . " before scurrying out the door . He hurried down to the principle 's office to relay the newly signed note . blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 As he entered the school he 'd As he entered the school he 'd be greeted by everyone . " what 's up man " another jock would say as he passed . " Hi Keith " a couple of girls would flirtatiously chime . Other popular kids would just hold thier fist out and nod as Keith fist bumped and returned the subtle nod . He was popular and charming . Even the teachers liked him . Always on time with assignments and didn 't even have to struggle to keep his 4 . 0 . Smart , handsome , charming , popular , and athletic . All should have been perfect in his world . It wasn 't . He 'd been sent to this school when his parents lost custody . He never talked about it . He was just gład his aunt welcomed him with open arms . He was different , but never let on . Her being different as well made it all easier to understand . As he walked up to his locker he passed the auditorium . Someone was singing , she sounded good he noted . Then he passed the gym where he spent alot of time . When he got to his locker he opened it up and placed a few books in it . Then he heard the locker next to him start to talk . " Little help here " a soft and almost nerdy voice said . Keith smiled , but tried to hide it as he opened the other locker . A short and skinny underclasman spilled out onto the floor . Pens and books and loose change scattering . " heya mort " . Keith said as he helped the much smaller guy up . " thanks Keith " mort replied . " I 'm glad you 're not like those other jerks . " who was it this time ? " Keith asked . " Steve and his crew " mort answered . " oh andthey took my lunch money " . Mort said frantically searching his pockets . " don 't worry , find me then and ill treat . " Keith said offering mort one of his granola bars . Mort took it as the bell wrang . " Oh no ! ! ! I can 't be late to thus class . " he quickly gathered some loose papers then turned to rush to class . He quickly turned back as Keith handed him the textbook he needed . He just looked at Keith , shook his head and took of down the hall . " we 'll Monica 's parents are in Fiji soooo . House party there ok ? " she turned and walked away looking back at Keith as he headed to class . " I 'll let you know " he said hustling by her trying not to be late . He then got to the door and walked in . He sat up front and took out his book . This was his favorite class . History Wipe away coffee mustache . He blinked , wiped his lip , crossed the instruction out , and nodded sleepily . " Alright Mister Theroux , " he said somewhat sleepily , before getting up and heading to the door . He paused , hand halfway to the doorknob , and stood there for a brief moment as he debated using the Sparklock Spell to make things easier . He eventually decided against it with a sigh ; as nice as convenience was , keeping a good secret was more important . He opened the door to the hallway , stepping out and making a beeline to the costume shop . It was a short trip , considering the school 's layout , but when he arrived , the costume crew itself seemed abscent . " Oh right . First period class , " he muttered to himself , flipping to an empty piece of paper and scrawling a note before placing it atop a rumpled costume . He exited , closing the door behind him quietly . Next , the auditioners . Hopefully nobody would bother him on the way over . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Wow time manipulation . That " Wow time manipulation . That 's kind of rare isn 't it . Me technically I 'm a normal kid , just I have this . " He pulled up the back of his shirt and showed off the cybernetic spine . " A successful failure . It repaired the damage to my back was only supposed to be three vertebrae but it kept growing replacing my entire spine now it going into my skull and taking over my entire nervous system . Even my sensory nerves are being replaced I used to need glasses when I was a kid now my eyesight better than normal . So much so I almost have a six sense . " He took a step back from the punching back and activated his overclocking abilities his spine lit up as the artificial nerves went into high speed . Then the delivered about ten punches to the punching bag in the same spot in about 4 seconds so he was pulling about 2 and half punches per second . Then it was over and the spine went dim as he caught his breath " Not quite super speed , but getting there , and I can only do it in short bursts . " " So , Connor , right ? " She smiles , and he would note she didn 't have to fish for his name like other students would if they didn 't know him , she clearly paid attention . She then adds with a smirk . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally Vince made it to the Finally Vince made it to the Principle 's office . Eyes were watching the halls , so he made the subtle move of simply placing the signed piece of paper int he Principle 's in - mailbox . He 'd been excused from first period class to take care of this , so He 'd have to catch the second period class session to start his day and meet anyone really . Until then . . . He decided to just chill in the cafeteria playing a little bit of Clicky Cape and snacking on twizzlers . The table he picked was off to a corner , his back to a wall and such . He wore a pair of normal earphones ; a cheap , 2 dollar , over the ear folding pair . Nerdy sound tracks played while he mindlessly flew his clicky cape hero between buildings to try to beat his highscore . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Well go ask the coach to use " Well go ask the coach to use the Danger Room . Were supposed to learn to control our abilities here that why we have a state of the art gym . Think you can even set the gravity in those rooms to higher than earth normal . Thought I don 't know personally haven 't used them . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Danger zone , huh ? " Damon " Danger room , huh ? " Damon said , thought for a moment , then added : " Not a bad idea . " Damon walked over to the coach and asked : " May I use the danger room ? " then quickly added : " This gym is useless for me , i 'm lifting wooden sticks here at the maximum weight on the weight bar . " Gideon Cross Offline Last seen : 2 days 19 hours ago Joined : 08 / 30 / 2013 - 19 : 04 Shepherd had entered the Shepherd had entered the school a he was being given a tour of the facilities . He had been planning on tutoring after seeing Toni and Rose in action . They peaked his interest in the fight . He figured if he could help them and others learn to control their powers more it would be a good way for him to keep busy on the days he wasn 't in the TCPD . " The weapons and obstacles that are erected will not kill you , but adapt to your limits . However , if at any time this gets too much , call out to ESSI , she is monitoring the room as we speak . " With that , he escorts the nonpowered boys out of the now Danger Room , before shouting as he leaves . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Now this is more like it . " " Now this is more like it . " Damon said , then walked over to a one ton car . " Can you set these up with chains so it 's more comfortable to lift these ? It 's not like the car will lose any weight . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor raises an eyebrow , and Connor raises an eyebrow , and begins pulling the rack out and into the next room . " . . . Right , " he says after a moment , looking at Rose with a furrowed brow . Something felt . . . Odd . " I 've seen you around school , passed you on the stage . " She then added as they rolled the rack down the hallway . " What ; d you THINK I meant ? " She asks with a smile . He shakes his head again , doing his best to avoid eye contact with the janitor that had passed away several months ago , before deciding to change the subject . " . . . So you 're Rose , right ? I 'm supposed to tell you to stay afterwards for your first rehearsal . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Incredible . " Damon said , " Incredible . " Damon said , then grabbing the chain to a one ton car with both hands and pulling it down , lifting the car upwards . He had no problem lifting it , but it was obvious he was putting in more effort than with the weights previously . After lifting the car a few times he decided to go to a two ton car , grabbing the chain and pulling it . He managed to lift this one as well and continued to lift it up and down for a moment , then moved on to a three ton car . He grabbed the chain and pulled it , able to lift this one as well , but lifted and lowered it only one time . He went on to a five ton car and grabbed the chain , pulling it downwards . He was able to lift it , but required more effort . He decided to stick with five tons for now , lifting it up and down . " He looks sad . . . I don 't think he was respected very well before he died , so at the very least we can try now . " With that said , she moves to pick up several items of trash left by careless students and depositing it in a wastebin . Turning back to Connor with a smile , she replies , probably answering his question . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 In the seats watching the In the seats watching the stage was the wayward spirit Misty Sinclair . She didn 't expect anyone to notice her she was relaxed and wasn 't making herself material . Those who could see her would see she had her feet propped up on the seat and would be revealing given she has a very short leather skirt on . Dressed like a Goth girl her outfit was once black now she 's dead it comes out a gray variation . If someone really focus on her arms they were see fant puncture marks for needles . She was also being annoying though she believed no one could hear her making cat calls and insulting those on stage . " What is this a Elementary school production ? I seen better at a kindergarten show ! " At the Gym Robert went to the sparing dummies . The ones if you hit one arm the other spins around to hit you . It was great practice learning how to attack and switch to blocking fast . The harder you hit the faster you have to block . Just what he needed to work on . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor sighs . " . . . I had a Connor sighs . " . . . I had a feeling that 's what you meant , " he says , looking back at the janitor . " I 've been having regular conversations with that guy from the day he died . Considering nobody talked to him anyway , I wonder if he even knows he 's dead . " He looks back at Rose . " Connor Gateman , current Wicket Door , if that makes any sense to you . " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Oh my ! It 's freaky when " Oh my ! It 's freaky when people notice me like that ! What the matter deary can 't take a little criticism . " She laughed " Besides I hate scaring kids I may be a pain , but I 'm not a monster . " She then sticks her tongue out at Rose " Go right ahead make yourself look foolish no one else can see me . . . . wait can anyone else see me ? " She stands up and turns around bending over flashing Rose " I was so sure I was invisible to live folk . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " We can all see you . Best " We can all see you . Best Ghost Ever , ten out of ten , " Connor said passively as he attended to the costume rack . Hopefully two people would be enough to pull off the bluff . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon stopped lifting the Damon stopped lifting the five ton car and turned to the exit . On his way out he noticed Dennis lifting up ten tons without problem . " Enough for me today , I 've got other classes to catch . " He said to the coach before leaving the danger room . " Rosella Burdelon , latest with in the Burdelon line and voodoo priestess when it suits me . And don 't worry , they are too engrossed in the script to noticed . . . and no I mean like moreso than the rest of us , it 's kinda creepy . " She points to the circle of students backstage , eyeing the script like it 's a godsend . Leaving the rack near the left curtain , she turns to lead Connor near Misty so it appears like a regular conversation . . . mostly . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Job summary , Death 's " Job summary , Death 's Paperboy , " he says in complete deadpan , rolling his eyes slightly before lowering his voice , " when people die , I 'm the doorman and the welcoming committee . When someone starts going on a murderous rampage , it 's my job to , you know , stop . . . That , " he says , waving vaguely . " Fun job . Wonderful benefits . " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about little old " Don 't worry about little old me . I even saved your lives . . . well okay I just fought a battle with some creepy demon things . Just it so BOOORING being dead . " She looked to the group of students with the scrips . Being closer they could guess her age was about 19 or 20 . She rose up and flew over to them and yanked the scrip out of one of the students hands . He blinked and looked to the script " Seems I have a case of butter fingers . " He reached down to pick it up as Misty returned to her seat . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , towing the Connor shrugs , towing the clothing rack to where it had to be . " You 'll figure it out , " he said with a sigh as he checked his clipboard for a moment , " or . . . Something . " He looks up , then turns a page on his board over . Near the wall of the danger room , Alicia Crane sits by herself , rreading a book . Considering she isn 't watching the jocks do their thing , nor doing anything herself , it seems odd that she would pick a training room as a place to sit , let alone read . Every once in a while , the other students cast glances in her direction , none of them seeming all that favorable . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Gym was about over for Robert Gym was about over for Robert so he ended his practice and went for the locker room to change . Removing his shirt before he fully went in his body wasn 't buffed it was a lean build more for speed then power . Right before he reached the locker room his back flared and he stumbled bracing himself against the wall as the power surge raced along his artificial nerves . He knew what it meant , somewhere in his body new nanites were taking over extending the network and augmenting more of his natural body . He stumiched down the fear . . how long till he was technically a machine ? " I told the witch doctor I was in love with you . And then the witch doctor , he told me what to do . He said that . . . . Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang . . . " She laughed . " I want everyone here after school for the first rehearsal , including you Mister Gateman ! " He adds before stepping out himself to head backstage . Rose turns back to Connor with a smile . " We can take care of it after school , and don 't worry , secret 's safe with me . " With that said , she heads to her locker to retrieve her American History textbook , hoping that her next class would be mostly uneventful . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about me cutie . " Don 't worry about me cutie . Who am I going to tell ? The Janitor ? " Misty said now that the auditions were over there wasn 't really anything to pick on so she drifted up in the air and floated for the doors . " Do they still shower after Gym class ? " Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rosella , almost on a second Rosella , almost on a second thought , realized that one , she was so out of it she didn 't realize she had a free period , and that History was not until third . Placing the book sheepishly back in her locker , she returned to the Auditorium to find it mostly empty save for Toni , Connor , and Misty . Entering quietly , she decided to rarely and openly practice her abilities , willing herself to invisibility as she travels to her friend 's position . Seating herself right beside Misty , she allows herself to return to visibility in a emerald haze , sitting crosslegged like she had been there the entire time . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni noticed Rose talking to Toni noticed Rose talking to thin air , so he concentrated on a spell Setzer had taught him . It let him see Misty , vaguely , and hear her . But she was leaving , so he didn 't worry about her . He noticed Shepherd being given a tour , and Connor checking his notepad . " What 's up , Connor ? Caught the acting bug ? " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty stopped spotting Misty stopped spotting Shepherd " Hey I know that guy . " Makes a face " Really what 's the point of being invisible and unnoticed if like half the people in the room can see and hear you ! That 's like cheating ! " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up for a moment , Connor looks up for a moment , shakes his head , then looks back down at the clipboard . " I 'm stage managing . Not acting , " he says plainly , flipping another page over before looking up . " Wait , you 're not part of the cast , are you ? " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Anthony Mercer . " It " Anthony Mercer . " It probably wasn 't down as Toni . . . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally , second period was Finally , second period was starting up . Anything was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria for the past hour or so . Well . . . Technically speaking , some huge guy had come through , but he seemed more content to just eat on his own than to chit - chat . Either way , Vince closed down his game of Clicky Cape and stashed his headphones and made his way to class . He stopped by his locker to pick out his book for the class and seemed to linger a minute longer than he needed to , letting out a sigh . He didn 't know anybody here . Not really . He 'd been transferred in just today , so what point was there to try very hard right away ? He pressed his forehead against the cool aluminum shelf in the middle of his locker and shut his eyes for a second . Just taking in the sounds and the hustle - bustle of the students talking between classes . He noted the social groups all around him . The geekier kids who focused on studies . The nerdier kids who cared more for different media . The sports kids and drama kids , and then there were the odd ones out . The supers . They were Pariah 's and idols at the same time . Something to be jealous of , but also fearful of . . . Where did he actually belong then ? Finally , he clicked his door shut and gave the dial a careless spin . Some students lodged paperclips into their lockers to make it easier to open later , but Vince certainly didn 't trust this peer - group right now . Finally he made his way to his sciences class . He walked in with the stragglers , taking a seat near the back , and closer to the window . A good place to not be noticed . He liked the subject . Science . It seemed to hold secrets to unlock the universe , though the current class was much more simple . Chemistry at least meant he 'd be forced into pairing up with another student at some point . He 'd try to make friends then . . . That is , unless the teacher made him introduce himself first . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Mr . Cain ! What have I told " Mr . Cain ! What have I told you about defacing private property ? " said a harsh Arabic voice from behind Dennis as all the snacks he 'd taken from the machine left his arms and pockets . The orderly line of bagged chips and candy bars floated back to the machine , slotting themselves back in to the springs . As they did this , the man speaking walked around in front of Dennis . It was Mr . Al - Zawari , Biochemistry teacher and resident telekinetic . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up again , his Connor looks up again , his brow furrowed at Rose 's odd choice of words . " Am I alright what ? " He says , looking back down at his clipboard for a moment before looking back up at her . He then looks to Toni , and after scanning his pages for the ' alternative ' name that he had offered , gave a nod of approval before adding a small checkmark to the side with his pencil . " I 'm uh . . . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Just concentrating . Mostly . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Thank you for your input , Ms " Thank you for your input , Ms . Crane . But Mr . Cain has been warned about this infraction before . " Mr . Al - Zawari said , looking over at the quiet girl and nodding . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 1 min 54 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm sure if this was my only haunting ground I could think of some ways to entertain myself . Luckily it seems I 'm bound to Titan City itself and can go anywhere in it 's limits . Right now I 'm going to scout around . Perhaps a group who aren 't composed of Mediums . After all what else is a Poltergeist to do then cause mischief ! " Then Misty flew through the wall laughing . Robert ran into science class just as the bell rang and settled down at a table noting a new kid in class . He reached over to offer a handshake to Vince . " Hey , I 'm Robert Tanner nice to meet you . " Unknown to Robert his eyes were now silvery the modifications the nanites made were to his very eyes . " Mr Al - Zawari is right , you have been warned about this larceny before Mr . Cain . As such , three days of after school detention starting today , and you must work to help repair the machine you so haphazardly destroyed , the right way . " The holographic figure then turns to Alicia , as she states further . " Miss Crane , Principal Ellis would like to speak with you during 6th period . Her room is opposite the library , A104 . " With that , she fades away in a blue haze . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Uh huh , " Connor says in " Uh huh , " Connor says in response to Rose 's explanation , apparently not seeming to think it was all that strange despite his original reaction . He watches Toni carefully as he peeks at the clipboard . . . But there are no roles there . All that 's listed is a hand - written attendance sheet . " If you 're looking for something specific , you should try asking Miss Hall , she 's the director , " Connor says , flipping to another page before checking over another list of handwritten notes , " all that Mister Theroux and I have are technical notes and things that have to get done , " he says with a shrug . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 55 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , I have to study French , in about three minutes . Guess I 'll be seeing you later , Rose ! " Toni headed off to his French class . " I imagine you also have a free period as well ? And out of curiosity , are you alright ? " She looks him over with a pair of piercing emerald eyes , and her tone makes it clear she actually , genuinely cares . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Stage managers skip class " Stage managers skip class during tech periods because we have things to do , " Connor says , looking up at her for a few moments . He frowned a bit , seeming a bit puzzled as to why she was staring at him , but ultimately didn 't seem too disturbed by it . After a few more seconds of checking things off , he walked over to a nearby chair , sitting down and tucking his pencil into the clip on his clipboard with a sigh . " Yeah . I 'm fine . Just tired , " he says after reclining a bit . " Sleeping trouble . " Alicia nods politely , looking to ESSI for a moment more in acknowledgement . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll head over right away . " Seemingly , she meant it , immediately making her way along the same route that Dennis had taken a few moments earlier , passing by his locker on the way to the principle 's office . She takes a deep breath upon reaching the door , then slowly , carefully reaches up and gives the door two knocks . Despite the delicacy of the moment , they still come off as quite loud . At the very least however , it wasn 't door - shattering . " So many people in this city , you must be overworked ferrying them to the afterlife . " Deduces , before inquiring . " Do you enjoy being the Wicket Door ? " " Since I imagine ESSI informed you of our reason for meeting , I 'll be frank . In the heat of the unnessecary fanfare against your enrollment here , my colleagues neglected to ask how you personally feel about the parameters in place , and arranging your classes for your safety and comfort as well as other students . So in short : what is your stance in the matter and how would you like to modify your status , Alicia ? " She then offers a disarming smile , and a hand to shake , the other occupied with manifesting a cobalt force field the size of a plate , and maneuvering a pot of green tea and two china teacups to the coffee table before them both . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , rubbing his Connor shrugs , rubbing his eyes for a brief moment afterwards . " Depends . Sometimes it 's sort - of annoying . Other times , you get a decent amount of satisfaction knowing that you 're helping people finally find peace , " he says with a shrug , " especially since there isn 't really much to be found around here , at least most of the time , " he adds under his breath . He turns , looking up to where the ghost had been a few moments before , and after failing to see her there , instead sighs and turns his gaze to the lighting fixtures above the stage . " Though I suppose it could be worse . I haven 't run into any Reapers just yet . " Alicia shakes the principle 's hand and takes a seat , but offers nothing in return other than the slightest of smiles . She sits almost stoically , with her hands in her lap , and her back straight , the power lines on her bracers and the central power note on her belt glowing softly , along with her white eyes . " . . . I 'm not sure I follow , " she says after a moment of silence , " if by my status , you mean my class lineup , then I think it would be best to keep the safety of others as a top concern , " she says , her voice somewhat emotionless . At least outwardly , it 's a bit difficult to tell how she truly feels about her current situation . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Vince looked up at the Vince looked up at the partially nanite 'd teen with a slight bewilderment . Piercing metallic eyes looked back down at him , but they weren 't judging for the moment . Rather , it was the eyes of the normal students that seemed to be judging the two at the moment . Had he managed to not be noticed by the others that easily ? - - " Vince . " He replied abruptly , shaking the hand with a quick grip and a single up and down motion . " - - transfered in today . " he added , shifting an arm to cover a doodle on his binder . It was just one of those . . . S things . You know , the really geometric things that show up on at least half a dozen binders during school . Yeah , you know . . . The S - thing ! http : / / i . imgur . com / U9IsW . jpg It wasn 't an important detail really , though the freehand lines came out decent , and he 'd used pen only , so that meant he could probably draw alright ? Who knew . Besides that one doodle , the binder looked clean .
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Here is a snapshot of my life . I will talk about all aspects of my life here . Mainly , I will discuss my weight loss journey , my spiritual journey , movie reviews , book reviews , and whatever else that peaks my interest . I will also include some of my videos from my YouTube channel . I didn 't work out today but I really don 't feel that bad about it . Mon & Tues I worked out for 30 min with my trainer , Mon & Wed I did about 30 min of cardio ( elliptical ) , Tuesday I did an hour of cardio ( elliptical & stationary bike ) , & tomorrow I 've got another session with my trainer & I plan on doing at least another 30 min on the elliptical ( I may do an hour depending on how I feel ) . Also , kind of on topic in long stretch kind of a way , Kim has invited me to go with her & some of her friends to eat at Gloria 's ( Mexican food , mmmmmm ) ( If I do go I may eat a little something before & just get a small salad or something light ) tomorrow night , followed by salsa dancing . Hummmmm . Me , salsa dancing . Someone could get injured very easily . I haven 't decided if I 'm going to go . I may just play it by ear . I have two stupid & contradicting fears about the whole dancing thing . First , I 'm afraid I will be the only one not asked to dance . Not that that would be all that big of a deal . It doesn 't really hurt my feelings but I 'm afraid other people will notice . And , not that what people think of me should really matter but , that is when the paranoia begins to kick in . I start imagining everyone is saying one of two things : " How sad . No one has asked her to dance . Let 's find someone & ask him to ask her to dance . " ( how humiliating would that be ? ) or " Well , we know why she isn 't being asked to dance , she 's just too fat . " Ahh , the life of the socially anxious . My second fear is that I will be asked to dance . I do not know how to salsa , other than with a chip ( obviously ) . What if I just make a big fool out of myself . I 'm really good at that . How disgusting is it going to be when all of my bits start jostling around ? Eeekkk ! Having said that , I have another fear that always seems to pop up during situations like that : What if one of those guys starts hitting on me ? Ok , first , I am not looking for anything but , if the right kind of guy came along , I wouldn 't mind going out with him . However , this is rarely the problem . If some guy doPosted by I know this is late . I actually did my weigh in on Sunday night / Monday morning at work , like I normally do but I was waiting to post it on YouTube to see if there was going to be a question of the week for the Lucky 7 's Challenge . If you watch the video , please excuse the hair . I had no idea I looked that bad . It is really hot here , I 'm sleep deprived , & it is starting to show on me physically . I 'm going to go to bed really early tonight & hopefully sleep a good 12 hrs . I know that sounds like a lot but for me , a girl who needs exactly 8 hrs of sleep , getting only about 6 hrs of sleep is enough to drive me to insanity . I get grumpy , can 't concentrate , & have memory loss issues . Weekly loss : - 1 . 5 lbsLucky 7 's loss : - 2 . 25 lbsTotal loss : - 31 . 25 lbs Most all Christians know little truths like this , but , as I am learning , just because you know something doesn 't necessarily mean you actively believe it or that it is " real " to you . This even goes with little things I 've been told all my life about loosing weight / exercise / health . So , today , about 45 min into my hour of cardio ( that 's right , I said an hour , who would have ever thought I would do anything physical , voluntarily for an hour ? ) , sweating like I had just stepped out of a shower , panting like a dog but still " walking " on the elliptical , TobyMac 's song , " Made to Love " came on my MP3 player . I love this song & the words are simple but pretty much sum up our purpose here on Earth . I usually have some type of emotion when it comes on , but today I heard / felt something differently in it . I usually focus on the words " made to love " in the song , & how God made me so he could love me & I could love him . But today , I focused on the word " made . " I was made by God . He purposefully sat down ( I guess God sits , I 'm not really sure ) , & painstakingly formed every aspect of me . My appearance , my temperament , my emotions , the way I express myself , my desires , my likes , my dislikes , & considered every part of my life . Out of all the " more important " people in the world , the " more important " situations , he took time to design & create me like an architect building a building or artist painting a painting or sculptor sculpting a sculpture ( that sounds funny ) or a carpenter building what ever . When you really start to understand that ( as well as we humans can ) it is , for lack of a better word , awe inspiring , indescribable , earth shattering ( non of the words are what I wanted to say but my mind is telling me it is time for bed ) . Anyway , back to the title of this entry . There I was " peddling " away on the elliptical in all my sweaty glory listening to this amazing song when I had to worship Him . I had my eyes closed , my head slightly back , & my thumb & forefinger slightly raised ( I didn 't want to let go of the handles for fear of fPosted by Ok , so here is the History of Religion map . I just realized that the maps actually go over my blogs boundaries . Oh , well , it just doesn 't look pretty but here it is anyway . Here is a really cool site , Maps of War ( I know , it sounds very dramatic ) . They have maps of the world & show the spread of some topic , such as March of Democracy , History of Religion , Leadership & War , & Imperial History . So , here is the March of Democracy map . I may post the Religion one next . Anyway , most of you know that I am a history nut so I thought this was really cool . Michael Clayton , starring George Clooney as Michael Clayton , is about a man who is an attorney that , instead of entering the courtroom , is now cleaning up the " messes " his clients & the firm that he tends to deal with . In this particular case , a colleague & friend ( Tom Wilkinson ) , bi - polar & off his medications , makes a spectacle out of himself embarrassing the firm but at the same time revealing to the firm 's heads that he knows a little more than he should about a certain case they have all been working on . This movie was interesting but , I don 't know , a little too tricky for me . I don 't know , even that doesn 't seem to explain what it was that I didn 't like about this film . George Clooney ( an actor who I believe will , in the future , go down as one of the best ; like one of the great actors of classic Hollywood ) did a great job , as usual , but still could not hook me into this movie . By the way , if you do watch this movie , you will notice that Clayton 's son is obsessed with a book series in which the first book is called " Realm & Conquest . " This book does not exist in reality , it is only a movie prop . I know , because I checked . It sounded like a cool book so I wanted to get it but I was foiled once again by Hollywood . Ah , Hollywood , an eternal love - hate relationship . So , would I recommend this film . If you like John Grisham styled plots , then you will probably like this one . If that is the case then , yes , I would suggest it but if that isn 't really your " cup of tea " the I would suggest moving to the next movie on the shelf . I would give this movie a " C . " George Clooney would get a much higher grade but he is not what I am reviewing . That will have to wait until another day . Discussion Questions from Christianity Today : 1 . The film 's tagline is , " Truth Can Be Adjusted . " Do you agree , or disagree ? Why ? Are there any circumstances under which that might be true ? 2 . At one point , Clayton 's in - car navigation system is unable to show him the correct direction to proceed . Could the malfunctioning computer be a metaphor for anPosted by Ok , so I guess I 'm a sucker for post - apocalyptic movies . The Postman , The Stand , The Day After Tomorrow , & , now , I Am Legend . I , as opposed to most movie critics , really liked this movie . I thought the portrayal of anyone who is on their own after an apocalypse was done very well . But would I expect anything less from Will Smith ( sans The Fresh Prince of Bel - Air ) ? I enjoyed this film from beginning to end . The " monsters " were obviously CGI but scared the crap out of me . For lack of better judgment on my part , I watched this movie at about 2 am & , after finishing it , was kind of freaked out so I had to pop in another movie before my mind had time to move into imagination mode & really drive me to the panic zone . : ) Just a bit of advice when watching the DVD , don 't waste your time watching the " animated comic book " shorts . They are very violent , disgusting , & left me very uneasy . The DVD doesn 't come with a lot of special features , which I was disappointed in . I would have expected it to include a " making of " feature but , alas , we are gypped on that extra . So , would I recommend this film ? To the right type of person , most definitely . Being a post - apocalyptic film many people can 't handle that type of story , but then throw in some " zombies , " the rest of the population immediately turns sour on the whole idea . However , to that small remnant of the population like me , I would definitely suggest it as a way of wasting a couple of hours . I would give this movie an " A - . " Discussion Questions from Christianity Today : 1 . In one of the final scenes , Neville shouts , " You are sick and I can save you ! Let me save you ! " What comparisons do you see in this scene - and the whole movie - between Neville and Christ ? Do you think it is intentional ? Why or why not ? 2 . Think about the scientist 's analogy of the measles virus to a fast car whose destruction or value depends on who is driving . What does that mean to you ? What other things are that way ? 3 . What do you think the movie is saying about the debate between science and faith ? Shadowlands ( 1985 ) is the story of C . S . Lewis ' life , or at least his life after he met his wife . This was a made for TV version by PBS staring Joss Ackland as C . S . Lewis & Clair Bloom as Joy Davidman . I was kind of disappointed with this film . I thought it would be about his life but it was just about 4 yrs of his life . From the movie , you get the impression that he met his wife , courted her , married her , & her death all in the matter of a few months or so , when in reality it was about a 4 yr span . Her remission stage in reality lasted about 1 1 / 2 - 2 years but in this film it seems like only a couple of weeks . The movie also did not go on to tell what happened to her two sons later in life . As a nice little movie about a short part of his life , I guess this was a pretty good movie but I was expecting to find out more about his life so I was a little let down by the abbreviation . This movie was redone in in 1993 under the same name , starring Anthony Hopkins as C . S . Lewis & Debra Winger as Joy Davidson . I 've read that there are some misrepresentations in that film also but any movie , in my opinion , with Anthony Hopkins in it is worth watching . So , would I recommend this film ? Sure , it is worth watching on a slow night when you can 't find anything more interesting to watch but I would also suggest doing a little research on the life of this theologian before taking anything you learn from the movie as fact . I would give this movie a " C . " It was good but I was expecting more . In case you are interested , here is an article in Christianity Today entitled Into the Shadows in which the two versions of the movie are compared . Interesting C . S . Lewis Related Sites : Wikipedia : C . S . LewisC . S . Lewis FoundationInto the WardrobeC . S . Lewis Brandie , Betty , & I saw The X - Files : I Want To Believe on Saturday . The X - Files was a great paranormal TV show from 1993 - 2002 . In 1998 , they produced The X - Files the movie . From what I remember , it did not do well at the box office & if the turn out at the theater on Saturday is any sign this one will do no better . Having said that , I did enjoy this one , much more than the first one . What many die hard X - Files fans may not like about this film is that it deals very little with the paranormal . In fact , the story is more crime fiction than sci - fi . So , those of you hoping to see if our questions , do the " little green men " really exist , will Mulder ever find his sister , will Scully finally believe , etc . . . , are answered , may be disappointed , once again . However , this may be the true genius of The X - Files . We continue to return time after time hoping the tension will be broken . If the truth was revealed , would we still be drawn to this story ? I 'm not sure . It seems that most shows that break this " tension " usually fail soon after . So , would I recommend this film ? Sure , it 's worth a watch , maybe even more so for those who are into crime shows but not so caught up in paranormal stories . Both fans can enjoy this film . For a little lighthearted humor stay , after the credits roll . I 'll give it a " B - . " I thought it was pretty good but I probably won 't watch it again . PS : Here is a video review that I totally agree with . X Files I Want To Believe Movie ReviewDiscussion Questions from Christianity Today : 1 . Compare and contrast Mulder and Scully 's views of the world . Who has a greater grasp of " the truth " ? What do they both need to learn ? 2 . What did you think of Father Joe ? Do you think he can be forgiven for his crimes ? Does he seem genuinely repentant ? 3 . Do you believe in psychic phenomena like Father Joe 's visions ? Has God ever used visions and dreams to communicate with people ? 4 . What do you think of the closing scene in the hospital . Is the scientist being brave and noble ? Do the protestors have valid concerns ? Brandie & I went to see Step Brothers , starring Will Farrell & John C . Reilly , on Friday . We thought it looked really funny ; not funny funny but stupid funny . A movie that looked light - hearted , something to break the seriousness of the week & ease us into a relaxing weekend . We weren 't expecting much but we thought it might be fun . We got our first surprise while were waiting in line for a bottle of water . I looked at the ticket & realized this was movie was rated " R . " We were both surprised by this ; we thought this film might be a little crude but rated " R , " what were we in for ? So , we went in expecting a bit of profanity . Well , it surpasses " a bit " within the first 10 min . Crude language was used considerably in each scene , not to mention the dreaded " F " word being used as if the writers left their thesaurus at home & just used it when they couldn 't think of a better adjective . As if that wasn 't enough , there is a scene during the first 1 / 3 of the movie that I will not describe due to the graphic & disgusting nature of it . Just suffice it to say that there is no excuse for such filth in main stream movies . Humor - wise , it did have funny bits but it was beyond stupid & choppy & annoying in parts . All in all , I would say I 'm pretty embarrassed to say I actually watched this . So , would I recommend this film ? Absolutely not . I think Brandie enjoyed it more than I did but I still thought it was quite a horrible waste of time & money . Having said that , as always , I did enjoy hanging out with my great friend , Brandie . I think I 'm going to start attempting to give these reviews a grade . " A " being a great movie ; " B " being that it was definitely worthwhile ; " C " being good but I probably wouldn 't watch it again ; " D " being I didn 't enjoy it that much , it 's pretty much a waste of time ; " F " being terrible , hated it , one of the worst movies I 've seen in a while . So I give this movie an . . . . . . . . . . " F . " Discussion Questions from Christianity Today ( if you actually go against this advice & decide to waste your time & money . ) : 1 . The fPosted by We had a great time on the fishing trip . We weren 't sure if we would even be able to get the boats out at first much less get any hits at first because the water was so high . Arkansas ( & most of that part of the US as you may know ) has gotten a lot of rain this year & most of the rivers , creeks , tributaries , etc . . . are over flowing with the extra water . We did end up being able to go out but we couldn 't use an anchor due to the depth & the speed of the water . Of course , Uncle Randy caught his limit ( 5 ) , I caught one , Kim & Lance caught a few ( I can 't really remember how many ) , dad caught two or three , & Kaylee caught two or three . Kaylee caught a large brown trout . The guy we rented the boats from said that they don 't stock browns so her 's was considered a trophy fish , so we took her pic holding it & then she let it go . We only rented two boats so Dad , Kim , & Lance were in one & Uncle Randy , Kaylee , & I were in the other . Mom & Granny didn 't fish because they couldn 't see the sense in buying a fishing license for only a couple of hours of fishing . Aunt Connee went fishing later with Dad & Lance while Uncle Randy boated Granny & Mom around on the lake that afternoon . Meanwhile , Kaylee , Kim , & I took advantage of the pool . I ended up getting pretty sunburned . That always ticks me off because I never sunburned as a kid . I would get a tan but not burn . Now that I 'm older , I think I 've lost a lot of my melanin & tend to burn a lot easier . It probably doesn 't help that I work nights now either . I guess I am kind of like a vampire ; sleep in the day , out all night , & can 't take the sun . I did put on lots of sunscreen & kept reapplying it but a lot of good that did . Another problem was that it was so nice & cool that I didn 't realize I was burning . It has turned to tan now so that 's nice except that I just noticed my right shoulder has started to peal . Lovely . I did get a little grumpy at night & I do apologize for that if anyone is reading this . With my schedule & all if I don 't get my full 8 hrs of sleep each night , especiPosted by Ok , I started to apologize for not posting much this week but I had a conversation a few weeks ago with some friends & we talked about when writing in journals / diaries / blogs we would miss a few days / weeks & then write all these apologies . I told them that I had promised myself a while back ago that I would not apologize anymore about doing that . I do this for myself ( if other people get something out of it then that is a bonus ) & if I can 't work it in or have some reason I don 't post then it 's okay . I 'm not going to keep apologizing to myself . I 'll just get back on it & try to do better in the future . So , now , on to other stuff . . . I didn 't go to the gym yesterday because I really needed to clean my house . I cleaned for like 4 or 5 hrs & took something like 3 medium sized boxes & 5 large trash bags of trash to the dumpster . I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous . A lot of it was some stuff that I have been meaning to take to the dumpster for a while ( old DVD players , stacks of old magazines , boxes & large mailing envelops from packages I had received , etc ) that I just don 't feel would be right to expect the curb side pickup guy to lug to the dumpster . I don 't think it was as good of a work out as I usually do but I did sweat so I know I burned a few calories . I went to the gym & worked out with my trainer this morning but afterward ( & even during ) , I was feeling really weak & drained . I 'm not sure what that is all about ; I hope I 'm not coming down with something . But I just could not bring myself to get on the elliptical . Speaking of elliptical , one day this week I had just completed 20 min on the elliptical & was trying to figure out if I wanted to do another 15 - 20 min on it or what . I looked down at the stationary bikes & decided I would try to do 5 min on it . I know 5 min doesn 't sound long but I tried back in April & it really hurt my knees & was very uncomfortable with my big - o belly . Well , I ended up doing about 17 min . I was so happy . My knees did feel a little pressure but not bad & , belly - wise , everythingPosted by Weight loss : - 2 lbsTotal loss : - 29 . 75 lbsLucky 7 's loss : 1 lb7 Reasons I want to loose weight & get fit1 . Health2 . Look & feel good ( physically & mentally ) 3 . Shopping4 . Travel5 . Outdoors activities6 . Inspiration to myself & others7 . FamilyPlease excuse the lack of energy in this video . I was extremely tired , this was my third take ( obviously I could never cut it as an actress ) , & I was / am extremely sore from Monday 's workout . I kind of scared of tomorrows workout . Hey everybody . Well , I 'm about to leave on my fishin ' trip . I 'm going to pick up my sister in a couple of hours , then we are driving home to our parents . After we load up their car we are heading to the hills of Arkansas . We probably won 't get there until late tonight but tomorrow we are trout fishing . Fishing is not my favorite past time but being with my family is one of my favorites . So I am so excited . It will be the first time in almost exactly a year since I 've seen Lance , so that is exciting too . It will also be the first time in several years all four of us cousins will be in the same place at the same time . Another exciting aspect of the weekend ! Boy , this weekend is nothing but " exciting " is it . : ) Anyway , maybe this creacher of the dark will also get a tan this weekend . I use to be so dark when I was a kid but as I 've gotten older I 've turned pale . How depressing . My grandmother ( my dad 's mom ) told me a couple of years ago that she could tell I worked night because I was so pale . Thanks , Gram . : ) On the weight loss front , I was planning on going to the gym by 7am & actually woke up about 5 or 5 : 30 but I woke up with the second worst crick in my neck I have ever had . Oh my goodness does it hurt . I took some Advil & I 'm about to get in the shower to see if the hot water will loosen the muscle a bit . Knowing that I 'm going to have to drive through Dallas traffic today & fish tomorrow , I didn 't want to over do it on the elliptical this morning . That may not have been the best decision but that 's what I decided . I don 't feel that guilty though because I worked my butt off this week on that crazy machine . I 've never sweat so much in my life . I 've also drank an average of 15 + glasses of water ( that 's about 120 + oz ) everyday this week . I think I may buy stock in toilet paper . : ) I 'll let you know what happened this weekend later . And , I 'll probably make a video about it too . You all have a great weekend too ! Also , HAPPY BIRTHDAY , BRANDIE ! ! ! ! ! ! Ok , if any of you are watching my total loss of weight , you are probably wandering who in the world taught me math . There are a couple of reasons for this . When I first started doing this , I got my starting weight at the gym . Since then I 've been using a scale in a closet at work . I do occasionally weigh on the one at the gym just to see what the difference is . The gym 's scales weigh me about 2 lbs heavier but when I weigh at the gym I always have my tennis shoes on . I still think the scale at the gym is probably more accurate due to the one I 'm using is as old as the hills but it is more private & I really don 't care as long as I 'm having to slide the little weight to the left . Another reason that my total 's haven 't added up in the past is that have been keeping up with my weight on different websites & some of the websites round up & that got me off in a couple of places so that was annoying . Anyway , I 'm really not that bad in math & just got confused a few times . : ) Weekly Loss ( Gain ) : + 1 . 25 lbsTotal Loss : - 27 . 75 lbs ( see next post for explanation on why my math is not adding up ) Lucky 7 's Loss : + 1 . 25 lbs : ( Totally water weight . I pretty much lost all of that yesterday , so that proves it . Reasons for gain : 1 . Didn 't do cardio as much as I usually do . 2 . Ate out way too much this weekend . 3 . TOM : PI 'm going to kick it this week though , just watch . : ) { Thanks , Aunt Connee , for letting me know I had made a typo . } Ok , so , no , you couldn 't hear it . It was a drip , drip sound . I think it was either my AC or water heater dripping . Oooooooooo . . . . Eek ! : ) So Kim & I went to see Hancock at Studio Movie Grill last night . I really enjoyed the movie . I think Kim only thought it was okay . The Christianity Today review kind of talked like it was your typical superhero movie but I don 't really agree . I thought it was very well done . Yes , it is mainly about a man with super powers coming to terms with his gift , or as his curse as he has come to think of it , but there are deeper issues surrounding his struggle . There are several twists in the movie that I was not really expecting especially the big revelation ( if you 've seen it , then you 'll know what I 'm talking about ) . One thing some people may not like is that about 2 / 3rds of the way through the movie an entire new plot is thrown in & the plot from the beginning is pretty much abandoned . Now , normally , I hate this kind of think ( for example Spider Man 3 , I did not like the movie due to so many plots ) However , in my opinion , it is nicely wrapped up in the end . And , now that I think about it , even though those are two huge plots , they are really only subplots to the main one , a man coming to terms with his gift / destiny / mission . Speaking of the ending . I wasn 't thrilled ; it was kind of corny but it was okay & it did not detract from the film as a whole , I feel . Also , just a heads up , don 't leave the theater right away . There is a little snippet as the credits are rolling . Don 't worry , it is really short & it isn 't important or anything , so if you are dying to hit the bathroom from all that soda & popcorn you really won 't miss that much . So , in the end , it was no X - Men but it was much better than Spider Man 3 . I would probably rate it there with the new Incredible Hulk . I know most reviews didn 't give it good ratings but I think it is definitely worth watching at least once . Discussion Questions ( from CT article ) : 1 . Do you see any parallels between the way Hancock is treated by the public and the current political scene in America ? 2 . What parallels do you see between Hancock and Ray in the way they approach altruism ? 3 . What doPosted by I 've been finding things on my body lately that I have never had . Don 't get worried about me though . They are muscles ! No , really , Kristy has muscles ! I started noticing a calf muscle a couple of weeks ago & then a bit of firmness on the top of my thighs . I had great calf muscles when I was in college living in Fayetteville but these are different . My Fayetteville calves were one large bump from the back of my knee to about half way down my leg but these are different . There are two ; one on the outer part & one on the inner with a little / \ in the middle . Definition , I like that . Then today I was resting my legs on my foot rest with my computer in my lap & I tensed up the tops of my legs & my computer nearly fell off my lap . I started looking at the top of my tensed up thigh & there was this big bump on top . Wow . I was very excited . I have also started noticing when I press in at the top of my abdomen I can feel ab muscles under all that flab & I 'm starting to get that line on my arm showing I 'm growing a bicep . This is all very exciting for me . I 've never had muscles like this . It is amazing . Last night Brandie & I went to Hellboy II : The Golden Army . I really enjoyed it . I wasn 't really impressed with the first one but this one was pretty good . It starts out with a LOTR - esque story , which I kind of felt was a sign of lack of creativity on the writers part but it was still good . I have never read the actual comic , or excuse me , graphic novel ( s ) but according to the Christianity Today review it is a bit different . Here is an excerpt from the article : " In the original Hellboy , the villains were adversaries like demons , Nazis , gods of chaos , assassins and necromancers - characters understood to be evil more or less by nature or by definition , like orcs , vampires or witches . Hellboy II shifts from this kind of mythic good - vs - evil storytelling to something more like classical mythology , with variously flawed characters on all sides . Except for an occasional cross or rosary , the vestigial Christian influence from Hellboy is virtually gone here . In its place is something a lot like a work of pagan imagination , at times partially reminiscent of the worlds of Japanese animation master Hayao Miyazaki , with his ambiguous antagonists and animistic spirit - creatures . " The CT review goes on to discuss how good & evil is not always black & white . Some really good people do really bad things & sometimes bad people do really good things . Also , sometimes people do good things with bad intentions or bad things for what they believe are good reasons . Life is not easy & this movie does demonstrate that to a point . It doesn 't dwell on it . It is more of a " background noise " that most viewers will not pay much attention to . I also agree with the CT review that the character development in both this one & the prequel is lacking . You start to get a look in on it in this film but it often feels like we were thrown into the middle of a story without really knowing who these characters really are , why they do what they do , & what is their main motivation . It is obvious there will be more Hellboy 's to come & by the prophesy from The AngKristy Kapp Last weekend I ordered several books that either as questions or ask you to make lists of certain things . I received one of the books today . It is called List Your Self : Listmaking as the Way to Self - Discovery . Now I am not one of those that believe in a lot of the new age psychobabble that is out there but I thought this would be an interesting way to get me to journal more . And , who knows , maybe I 'll learn a little more about myself or at least how to articulate what I feel inside . Verbal expression is not necessarily one of my gifts . I always seem to come off as a snob , judgmental , angry , or just an old fashioned B . I 've come to the realization , due mainly to a book I am doing in one of my church small groups ( People Pleasing : How not to be an " approval junkie " by Lou Priolo ) that I am , most definitely , a people pleaser , & this is not a good thing . In fact it is a sin , an expression of pride . So maybe these books will help me to convey my feelings & thoughts more clearly . I actually got these books to help with my singles small group that a friend & I are trying to start at my church . I was telling another friend at work about these books the other day & she got very excited . Her brother is in jail , or prison , & she has started sending him questions that she wants him to consider & journal . She was excited that I was getting these books so she can now have more questions for him to answer . It makes me feel good that I may play a small role in helping my friend 's brother . I don 't know if he will take any of this seriously but it is worth a shot . Who knows , maybe me & some dude in prison somewhere on the east coast will be on a similar journey of self - discovery . Anything 's possible . So , I 've been using Xanga . com for a long time to blog but unless you have a xanga account you can 't subscribe to my blog or comment . So I 've decided to try this one . For a while I may keep blogging on xanga but copy & past the posts here but if I actually like this one then I may close my xanga account & just blog here . Ok , I know this is all to thrilling to read but I 'm just giving it a try . I may copy & paste some of my old blogs to here just to see how it goes . Ok , that 's all for now . Thanks . Two things really made my day today . First , I kicked my butt at the gym today . I arrived about 20 min early ( I meant to be there 30 min early but that didn 't work out ) so I could get some of my cardio in before my work out with my trainer . I had to use a different elliptical machine today ( one with the swinging arm poles ) because all the others were taken . I didn 't think it would be that bad so I put it on " cross country " mode & went at it . Then the resistance jumped up . Now , until today I usually use only a resistance of 1 or 2 but I 've been trying to work myself up to 3 & 4 . When I do " interval training " mode I do get up to a resistance of 8 for about 4 min at a time & it really kicks me in the butt . However , this one jumped up to a resistance of 10 right away & continued to increase up to a resistance of 20 ! Holy crap ! I didn 't think I would make it . I never thought getting to a resistance of 10 would be the " easy " level . Toward the end it jumped back up to 20 . I didn 't think I could do it but right before it jumped up , I was like , " yes I can , I can do this . " When it gets really hard for me I have been doing a little something most people would probably think is crazy but it works for me & I really believe it is what is happening too . I imagine Jesus standing right in front of the elliptical cheering me on . I didn 't think I could finish it but I did . I got off & thought , I will never do something so evil to my body again . But , after a few min . I decided I probably would do it again sometime . Well , after my work out with my trainer I went & got back on that thing for another 20 mins . This time I tried the " hill climbing " mode . Again , it kicked my butt . But I did it . I succeeded . I conquered the hill . The second thing that " made my day " was also at the gym . While I was doing the cool down on my first experiment with the new elliptical I saw one of my coworkers go over & talk to my trainer . After I got off I walked over to my trainer & he said , " I just me another one of your coworkers . " I said , " Was that ____ ? I Kristy Kapp I lost another 4 lbs this past week . Don 't ask me how . I didn 't get to work out like I normally do but I stayed way under my calories & drank a ton of water so maybe that helped . I ended up having to work July 4th but it was actually a blessing . I was originally supposed to work on Christmas but the girl that was supposed to work on July 4th said she would rather work Christmas so we traded . Yay . So , for the first year in like 2 or 3 yrs I will actually be with my family on Christmas Day . Yipee ! I may actually have to work Christmas Eve & just have to drive home on Christmas Day , but still , I 'm excited . It will also be the first time in several years all 4 of us cousins will be together during Christmas . I 'm hoping to get off the week after Christmas but since I took it off last year , I may not get it off this year ( we all have to take turns ) . I may post this weeks video here later but it is taking forever to load today . Posted by This is the original recipe : 4 T butter , divided2 Cod fillets ( 4 - 6 oz ) ( frozen or thawed ) Salt & pepper to taste1 T of fresh lemon juice2 tsp grated lemon zest1 / 4 tsp cayenne pepper1 T snipped chivesMelt 2 T butter in a large nonstick skillet over med . heat . Rinse any ice glaze from the frozen cod fillet under cold water ; pat dry with paper towel . Saute 6 min . per side for frozen fillets ( varies by thickness ) or 3 min per side for thawed fish , turning once . Cook just until fish is opaque throughout . Season fillets with salt & pepper . Remove fillets from skillet ; keep warm . Wipe out pan , if necessary . Add remaining ingredients & heat thoroughly . Spoon sauce over fish to serve . ( http : / / www . cookitfrozen . com for more recipes ) How I did it for this recipe : Cooked cod same as above only omitted butter for a non - stick spray . Then I only used 1 T of butter ( I could have probably used less ) , lemon juice ( I didn 't measure , I just squeezed all I could out of a lemon ) , lemon zest ( again , I didn 't measure , I just did as much as I wanted ) , & cayenne pepper ( didn 't measure , just guessed ) . I didn 't use chives because I didn 't have any & I 'm not a big fan of the anyway but , if you like them , go for it . Nutritional values my way for 1 whole filletCalories : 190Fat : 7 gFiber : 0 gProtein : 15 g
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I 've said this so many times it 's part of the interview that follows : Batton Lash is one of my favorite people to see at comics conventions , when he 's nearly always in the company of publishing and life partner Jackie Estrada . Lash is funny , he 's full of stories and he 's really , really nice . I 'm never sure how these things get counted , but 2009 appears to be the 30th anniversary of his Wolff & Byrd feature , which started as Wolff & Byrd , Counselors of the Macabre and is now running on - line and in print under the appellation Supernatural Law . Lash has more than proven his devotion to his strip over the years : following it into different formats , re - working old material whenever he gets the chance , hand - selling it after reaching the limits of what the direct market has to offer him . In addition to affording me the opportunity to learn more about his unique story - - which includes being born in Brooklyn , being taught at SVA during one of that school 's heydays , and currently freelancing with both Archie and Bongo in addition to be one of the last standing traditional self - publishers - - I thought he 'd have a measured perspective on the modern comics industry . I was happy he agreed to talk to me , and enjoyed our conversation . - - Tom Spurgeon BATTON LASH : The cartooning goes on all the time . I have pads all over the house . I 'm always jotting down ideas . I don 't know if you 're aware , I 'm also doing stuff for Archie and Bongo . Whenever something hits me I have to make sure I write it down right away or else I forget it . It 's a 24 / 7 operation . As far as holiday traditions , it 's interesting that this interview is today , because it 's the day we 're getting our Christmas tree . We always look forward to that , because Steve Darnall - - I 'm sure you know who that is - - he had his wife Meg always put together a beautiful CD of obscure novelty Christmas tunes . Jackie and I have been fortunate to be on their mailing list each year . We always trim the tree to Steve and Meg 's CD . That 's as close to a tried and true , ironclad tradition that we adhere to . SPURGEON : I wondered , because I know you 're a Brooklyn boy , and you 're in San Diego now . That 's about as far away from Brooklyn as you can get . I wondered if the holidays were different than what you had grown used to . LASH : I 'll be honest , it took a long time to adjust . This particular December has been very chilly , so it at least felt seasonal . That puts me very much in the holiday spirit . Being in San Diego doesn 't bother me as much as it used to . But I never , ever get used to waking up Christmas morning and seeing guys walking their dogs wearing only shorts and no shirts . SPURGEON : You 're a School of Visual Arts grad . Are you still close to your schooling ? Do you still reference back to your training , or is it one of those arrangements where you had the education once upon a time but you 've since put together your own set of skills ? LASH : Funny that you should bring up SVA . I was just in New York several weeks ago . Their cartooning society was nice enough to ask me to give a lecture . I talked about my experiences of being a student there and trying to break into the industry . It didn 't seem so long ago that I was in their spot , but I guess it was ! By the way , the " Cartoon Allies " ( that 's the name of the society ) were terrific . A lot of talent there . I think I got more out of talking to them than they got listening to me ! As far as what you 're asking me , for the first few years after graduating SVA , I had mixed feelings . I looked back , and thought , " Did I just waste five years of my life ? What 's going on ? " [ Spurgeon laughs ] But as time went on , the information I got from school , whether from class or just by osmosis , sort of settled in . Stuff that I didn 't quite understand at the time , I began to " get it " by having my own experiences in the freelance world . The thing about Visual Arts is that they 've always promoted that the people in the business are your instructors . So you had freelancers teaching students . I graduated in ' 77 , and maybe in 1984 I 'm sitting in my studio and going , " Oh , I get it now . Right , right , right , right , right . " I look back now and I 'm very happy that I did attend the school . Plus I 'm stunned by the instant bonding with the people who went to Visual Arts . It 's like being in the War or something . " Visual Arts ? " " Yeah , Fine Arts , one year . " LASH : That 's a byproduct I didn 't even consider when I graduated . It was nice . When I met Jackie , she knew a lot of people in the comics industry . I knew a few - - mainly from SVA . She would ask , " How do you know Kyle Baker ? How do you know this person ? How do you know that person ? " My answer was always , " We went to Visual Arts . " After a while , she says , " Let me get this straight . Did everyone in comics go to this school ? ? " It seemed to be my reference point for a lot of people . SPURGEON : Of course . I guess what I 'm getting at is that you have a substantial amount of work on - line . It is full - bore on - line publishing , not a web site with sample strips . You 're still publishing in print , but you 're publishing on - line , too . LASH : It 's ongoing . I put stuff up on Mondays and Thursdays . Something is up there twice a week . I 'm currently doing a new story , but I went into reprint mode for a while when I was doing Archie : Freshman Year . I also had some family things to take care of on the East Coast , so that took up a lot of my time . But even with the reprints , it 's new to new readers . And it 's in color . I can 't help but redraw certain things . Everything is a work in progress , as far as I 'm concerned . To answer your question , I think being online has been a tremendous boost . We know the situation with indies and comics stores . I think I 've gone as far as I can go in the direct market . Even if Supernatural Law were the # 1 TV show coast to coast , and President Obama said Wolff and Byrd are his favorite comic book characters , stores who have never carried my books still wouldn 't carry them . I will never win them over . I 'm grateful for my supporters and I appreciate all the retailers who do carry and promote my books , but I 'm not going to get any new stores . The Web has introduced Wolff and Byrd to people who have never seen the comic because either their neighborhood stores don 't carry it or they 've been out of the loop or , best of all , they just pick it up from a link . Then they order the books from us . Or Jackie and I direct them to a store that does support us in their area . " This place carries Supernatural Law and they 're well - stocked , so check them out . " My mantra has always been " one reader at a time . " That 's the way it goes . I 'm very happy to do that , too . I 'm still here , able to do the next installment , the next issue , the next collection . I 've always been here for the long haul . LASH : Wolff & Byrd started in a local weekly called The Brooklyn Paper , and was picked up by The National Law Journal . The Law Journal strips are what CBG reprinted . I have to say , you could have knocked me over with a feather when Don and Maggie Thompson told me , " Hey , we want to run this . " I really appreciated the platform Don and Maggie gave me ; that was a great opportunity to get my name and characters in front of the comics industry every week . Meanwhile , the Law Journal was giving me a good rate and I was getting my chops along the way . Learning on the job ! SPURGEON : You 've always pursued the market that 's presented itself to you . You haven 't been dependent on a specific format . If there 's another market tomorrow , I have a feeling you 'd pursue that . You 're very devoted to your strip in a consistent way . LASH : Thank you , I appreciate that . You go where the markets are . Also , I 'm from the Old School . For better or worse , people like Chester Gould and Leonard Starr and Milton Caniff , were on their strips for years and years and years , and I always liked that . They created a familiar atmosphere that gave the reader a feeling of " Welcome to the family . " I always liked my characters . I enjoy working on them . I told you about the pads around the house . All of the characters have little backstories that maybe only I would ever know , but it 's fun doing that . I was chastised by someone in the industry who said I should give up Supernatural Law [ Spurgeon laughs ] , and that everyone 's tired of it . Well , everyone hasn 't seen it yet . Do something new ? I enjoy doing this and there 's people who enjoy reading it . I don 't understand the attitude of " if it isn 't a blockbuster the first weekend , it sucks . " It kind of irks me . You see a lot of problems in mainstream comics where people keep jumping from project to project . So you 've got 20 different versions of Batman or Spider - Man . Or whatever character . There is no one vision . Like I said , there was a time , better or for worse , you 'd have Stan and Jack on a long run . At least you had some traction . Sure , I have some other concepts , but everything takes so long , and as I get older it takes me even longer to do things . For now , I 'm happy to concentrate on Wolff & Byrd . . . Mavis , too ! I 'm getting to be more of a perfectionist . You mentioned the strip . I am grateful for anyone that stuck with me since the strip days , because I look at those strips now and go , " Oy vey ! " I 'm glad people gave me a chance ! The old work makes me cringe sometimes . Now I try to take a lot more care with my artwork . Back in those days it was , " I gotta get it out , get it off my desk , there 's no fooling around with the Law Journal 's deadline - - get it there , end of story . " SPURGEON : Yeah . And while you have that aspect to your career , you seemed in that footage to take some satisfaction out of being the captain of your own ship . Is that fair ? LASH : Yeah . Well , I don 't know about satisfaction . No , you 're right . You 're right about that . I 'm very fortunate I draw just well enough I can illustrate my own stories . My heart goes out to a lot of writers who can 't draw . They 're very frustrated . You can tell they want to do their own thing and not be beholden to work for hire stuff . If they could do their own webcomic or , back when it was really viable , their own self - published comic , they would ; but they 're stuck being dependent on another artist . If I had to make a living by soliciting scripts from Marvel or DC , I would not be in the comics business . I just don 't have the head for that sort of . . . struggle . Or office politics . I was very fortunate that with my two work - for - hire gigs , Archie and Bongo , they both approached me . Now , having said that , last year , since I know Mike Carlin very well - - SVA alumni , by the way [ Spurgeon laughs ] - - I approached him with two pitches . Actually , two artists told that if I ever pitched something to DC , I could attach their names to the projects because they wanted to work with me . Isn 't that nice ? Anyway , I thought if DC accepted the pitches , it would be a lark to work on some of their old characters . But DC passed . It wasn 't a biggie . I certainly never have a yearning to get a Wolverine mini - series going or else . That 's just not my thing . LASH : It 's fun . I always liked the Archie characters . The first time I worked with them was on the Archie / Punisher one - shot . And Victor Gorelick , the editor - in - chief , always liked my writing . He always wanted me to do more . But there was never enough time , and like I just told you , I don 't really pursue the freelance thing as much as I should . Even when it lands in my lap . When they came to me with the Freshman Year concept , I just took what they already had established with the Archie characters and kind of dug into my memory of what I was like as a teenager . I 've totally romanticized my teenage years out of proportion . We all had miserable times , but I concentrated on the lighthearted incidents and the fun times . And I put that into Freshman Year . I 'm not sure that answers your question ! SPURGEON : I just wondered if you 're writing Archie - - or by extension a lot of these kinds of characters and concepts - - where does the satisfaction come from ? Do you have a vision of Archie in your head ? Is it a standard of craft you want to achieve ? Is it simply about trying to find that connection ? LASH : I have no pretension that I 'm going to give the world the Archie they 've always been waiting for . [ Spurgeon laughs ] It 's nothing like that . Even when I do Wolff & Byrd , I think , " What 's the kind of thing that I liked to read when I was a fan and went to the newsstand every Tuesday ? " The mandate was Archie and the gang in their freshman year . What would I have liked to have read ? So I apply that . I threw in a few autobiographical elements that made it fun for me , that after all these many years to see it in cold print , things that happened to me in high school , it 's a kick to me . I 'm sure if it happened to me , it happened to other people and it 's happening to kids today . It 's always great when someone comes up to you and says , " That thing you wrote ; I felt exactly that same way . " It 's nice . SPURGEON : Do you purposefully try to keep the Wolff & Byrd stuff frozen in time ? Is it a balancing act ? There 's character progression , but you 're not focused on character progression . Does that go back to a personal preference , writing something you want to read ? LASH : What keeps me there is economics , so that when I reprint the material I don 't have to worry about it being too dated . Except for a couple of details , the Stan Lee / Steve Ditko Spider - Mans could be taking place today . They kind of have a timeless quality about them . So do classic comic strips if you disregard references to Tojo or whatever . People are people . Fashion changes , but human nature remains constant . I 've always tried to keep it timeless . There 's never been a saga . Cerebus was a 300 - issue story . Supernatural Law is not like that at all . There 's no timeline . I 'm from the Old School in that rule # 1 is that every issue is someone 's first issue . I don 't want them to be turned off by an ongoing saga that they feel they can 't catch up on . I want newbies to feel they can jump right into it . SPURGEON : You placed the original strip on Court Street in Brooklyn . It was surprising to me to hear of there being a real place that it was based on , because of the overwhelmingly iconic sense of settings I get from your work . It seems very organic that way . SPURGEON : Oh , it 's all good . One thing I thought might help you keep the strip timeless is your strong focus on the foregrounded plot as opposed to an accretion of character detail . With that tight a focus on plot , how do you guard against repetition ? LASH : I don 't know . [ Spurgeon laughs ] I like to think I 'm learning all the time . I appreciate you pointing out the thing about plot . I think the most important thing is story structure . That 's what I concentrate on the most . I 'm fascinated by the rhythms of a story . LASH : I know it sounds like bragging , so trust me when I say was a terrible student , but when I took my report card home my parents would say , " You did lousy in everything , but why did you get an A in English ? " It 's because I always had the best compositions in class . The teacher would tell us to write about something , and I would construct my stories as much as a sixth grader could . I was always interested in story . I 'm always trying to entertain . You 're doing good when a reader identifies with a character , so I work on characterization . But I put that in the back seat to make sure that the story goes from A to Z without any problems . The story structure is the most important thing . LASH : No . It started as a lark . I guess I was so chagrined over Obama 's policies and the shameless fawning he as getting from the press that I had a need to get a dig in . A blogger that I follow , a very funny and witty observer of politics and pop culture , Jim Treacher , got me going . I forget how I originally got a hold of him . I think I commented on one of his ( non - political ) postings a few months ago , and he replied to me and he said he knew who I was and knew my comics . That surprised me . So I had this cartoon and I didn 't know what to do with it . I wrote to Treacher . I knew he was throwing some darts at Obama and the media 's love affair with him . I e - mailed him if he wanted to put my cartoon on his site . He was only too happy to do that . He wrote back a couple of weeks later and said , " I can 't draw to save my life . But I have ideas . What if I wrote them up and you drew them . " It sounded like fun . I had never worked that way before . We did a few strips , and it was a blast . I like Treacher . I 've only communicated with him by e - mail , though . SPURGEON : I remember the cartooning itself as lively . LASH : Thanks . I did it for free , and I also had a ton of deadlines at the same time . I was forced to economize the drawing , so I really just banged it out . I tried to make the color work with it . I 'm glad you liked it . LASH : I 'm probably the least objective when it comes to looking at the artwork . Jackie will tell you that we 'll go to press with something , I 'll say , " Let 's hurry up and get the next issue out as quickly as possible so people will forget the current one . " And she 'll go , " What are you talking about ? It looks fine . " After I sleep on it and don 't look at the issue until the proofs come in , I 'll say , " This doesn 't look as bad as I thought ! " When you 're younger , you fantasize about being Barry Windsor - Smith or John Buscema - - and I know I 'm dating myself by those names here . At a certain point , you know you 're never going to be those people . You won 't match their draftsmanship . So you just work with what you have . I remember in SVA , when I had Will Eisner as a teacher . He was always telling me , " Pull back . You 're trying to be something you 're not . " He said , " Look at animation . Look how open that is . Learn to economize . " I 've always tried to do that . If anything , I 've stopped putting in useless detail . I 've looked at some of my recent stuff , the web stuff . It 's very open and clean looking . I think I got cleaner , let 's say that . I 'm still working at cleaning up . LASH : Oh , yeah . In fact , I 'm scheming to do a color print issue . I 'm still 20th Century enough that I have to have a color comic book in my hands . Just what you can do with light and shadow and not rely on black is fascinating to me . Look at some of the old comics , stuff during the ' 50s when the printing was terrible and the separations were done by old ladies in printing shops . Even then , the way they would use color , sometimes just two colors to suggest a mood , it works beautifully . More so than today . LASH : I look at that stuff , and it 's all good . But my real bible has been those 1970s DC - - I can 't call them horror comics - - mystery comics like Witching Hour and House of Mystery . I think it was Tatjana Wood . The coloring of those stories was beautiful , very moody and simple . I draw on that a lot . LASH : I haven 't done it in print yet ! The one story that went from web to print , I changed it to gray tones ( Mavis # 5 ) . Which was another job onto itself . I haven 't had a chance to bring the color to print yet . I 'm working on it . Printing is getting very cheap . You have to find it . I 've seen some people at conventions , self - publishers . I 'd say , " Boy , you published this yourself ? " It 's a 32 - page color comic . They say , " Yeah , we got printed in Hong Kong . " It was like under two grand or something . The coloring was just fine for their purposes . That 's another thing , if I can digress , as to what I 'm saying where I think the self - publishing movement - - for lack of a better term - - is going . I 've noticed a lot of these younger self - publishers aren 't relying on Diamond . They know they 're not going to get anywhere there . They 've got a whole grass - roots thing going at conventions . They go city to city . They do just fine in their region , too . LASH : Yes . And that 's a double - edged sword , too . Some of the people I see at the shows I only see once a year . They buy everything that 's come out since the last time they saw me . They 'll go , " Okay , see you next year , and we 'll get whatever you have out . " I say , " You gotta support the stores ! " [ laughs ] " The stores drop me when people don 't buy the book . Please buy it at the store . " And they say , " We 'd rather buy it from you . " It 's nice to have that connection . I 've noticed that people who never bought the book that once they meet me and my effervescent personality [ Spurgeon laughs ] , then they 're willing to try Supernatural Law and purchase a copy . And I have to thank you , Tom , because you say I 'm the nicest guy anyone should meet at Comic - Con . People come to my booth saying , " Tom Spurgeon says you 're a nice guy . Show me how nice you are . " And I give them a comic . LASH : I wish I could do more shows . It 's always nice to meet the readers . It 's good to meet other cartoonists , too . When you have that personal contact , you connect . I was kidding when I said " effervescent personality , " but when new readers meet me and see how sincere I am , they 're willing to give the book a try . And more often than not , they like it ! LASH : I know Supernatural Law isn 't to everyone 's tastes . However , I think if they tried it , they might be pleasantly surprised . SPURGEON : Are you worried at all about the economy ? Have you done anything to help weather the storm ? LASH : Maybe on a personal , household level . But as far as the comics industry goes ? No . Not at all . Comics have always done well in a bad economy . I was at SPX recently , right around the time everything was hitting the fan . Everyone was concerned the economy was going to hurt the show . The house was packed . Everyone did well . It occurred to me that comics and entertainment in general always does well in bad times . You know how comics fans are . I was like this , too . I can skip that , but I want this . I won 't have dessert tonight as long as I can get my new copy of that . We 'll get through it . I think people are hungry to get away and escape , to spend a whole day at a convention getting comics . Comics are what the bad times need . LASH : We have a brand new trade out . The Soddyssey and other Tales of Supernatural Law . That is the missing volume in our trade paperback series of five books - - volume two : Wolff & Byrd issues # 9 - 12 . Of course I 've gone back and drawn many things . [ Spurgeon laughs ] Talk about being timeless : certain things have been updated . LASH : [ laughs ] No , things like " I have to find a phone booth " is changed to " I have to use my cell . " Libraries have become very important for Exhibit A Press and their target audience is teen readers . I have to make sure everything in the stories happened within the last few years . Not " back in the day " ! LASH : A couple of librarians who don 't know each other each told me they thought Supernatural Law has a good story and a lot to the story that could keep a reader hooked into the series . A lot of things go on . It is not a quick read . They said that people who were checking it out were able to get engrossed in it . They also liked that it was reader friendly : you could get up to speed pretty quick as far as who the characters are and their back story and stuff . LASH : Good art is important , don 't get me wrong . Good art and comics go hand in hand . But - - and this may be blasphemous - - it 's not as important as a good story . I 've noticed that for people in the outside world , people not into comics the way we are , they are pretty indifferent to the art . Their real interest is in a story they can get engrossed in . That 's what I would stress . Story over art .
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Howdy ! It 's just about time for the Calgary Stampede and for a pre - stampede event our church held a city wide western party for teenagers ages 14 - 18 this past Saturday . I was there as a youth leader running the barrel racing event . I brought in 3 barrels and timed the kids who raced piggy back style against the clock . It was a blast ! Here I am all duded up for Stampede . Posted by I know I said in my 100 list that I wasn 't going to return to exercise again till July , but the weather got warmer and I got interested in exercising again at the beginning of June . There aren 't many days that I am home without Chloe , so my return to running schedule was irregular at best . I made a few stabs at running earlier this month and it was painful . The best I did was like 1 kilometer , and then walking the other 4K in my 5K route from last spring . But last week on Wednesday , I gave running another try after taking 2 weeks off . I just set out without a specific goal , taking a route I hadn 't run before so that I wouldn 't make any comparisons , and I felt great ! When I got home I wanted to jump in my car to check how far I 'd gone , but Chloe ( who was home with Jaclyn who is done school because honors students don 't have to write finals , how great is that ? ) Chloe wanted to go on a run with me as soon as I got in from my solo run , and she just couldn 't wait . When we got home from our run Jaclyn snapped this picture of us for Chloe 's * news day * at kindergarten . Soooo , later in the afternoon I finally got to drive my new running route , and it was 5 . 3K ! I was so excited to have ran so far - with no walking . The next day I was pretty worn out and didn 't think I could repeat my running success of Wednesday , so instead I went on a bike ride of about 15K . I figured a change was as good as a rest . Today I set out on my new running route once more : 5 . 3K with the last kilometer being all uphill and I ran the whole thing again , which means Wednesday wasn 't a fluke . I have no idea of how I 've jumped back in to running like this . Last spring when I first took up running it took me a month of running 3x per week to get up to 5K without walking . I 'm going to call my experiences earlier in June interval training , I guess , because I 'm back up to my best running . It looks like I need to challenge myself further . Maybe at the end of the summer I 'll ask you to gimme 10 ? When I took on Amy 's challenge to ' Read a Russian ' I didn 't know that I was signing myself up for a 4 month project . " Sure , it 's a thick book , but I 'm a fast reader , " I thought to myself . Ha ! I had a hard time getting into it , as you can see from the lack of dog ears in the first several hundred pages . I spent three months on the first 500 pages and one month on the last 900 pages . Part of my problem at the beginning was just keeping the characters straight ! The book is a bit of a soap opera with parties and travel and relationships being made and broken . Originally War and Peace was written in both French and Russian , and when it was translated into English the names were left as originally written . So for instance Marie is also called Marya and Masha . Anna is also called Annette , at least one of the Anna 's is . After I conquered the more than one name for a single character issue , I then spent quite a lot of my reading waiting to figure out which characters were the main characters . Eventually I decided this was an ensemble cast with no main characters - but I was wrong on that one . At the very end the story the cast narrows down to four main characters , which almost makes me want to go back and read it again to relearn what these four characters were like at the beginning of the book . I mean , if I weren 't so exhausted from reading in general right now . ( See the new read on my sidebar ? ) * Now for a few quotes : The war Princess Marya looked on as women do look on war . She was apprehensive for her brother who was at the front , and was horrified , without understanding it , at the cruelty of men , that led them to kill one another . I didn 't like Tolstoy 's generalization about women in the first sentence , but actually , he pretty much summed up my feelings towards war in general with the last part there . * " Ha , ha , ha ! " laughed Pierre . And he talked aloud to himself . " The soldier did not let me pass . They have taken me - shut me up . They keep me prisoner . Who is ' me ' ? Me ? Me - my immortal soul ! ha , ha , ha ! . . . Ha , ha , ha ! . Posted by We love our long summer days here in the GWN ( great white north ) . Today we had dawn at 4 : 34 am and sunrise at 5 : 21 am . Our sunset will be at 9 : 55 pm and dusk not till 10 : 42 pm ! My kids are asking me if they can stay up till the daylight 's gone as a way to celebrate the first day of summer . Ha ! I told them sorry , I didn 't wake them up at 4 : 34 , and we 're still in school , so they can 't stay up till 10 : 42 . Popsicles for an after school snack were about as close as we got to a first day of summer celebration around here . Posted by On Saturday night Ken asked me what I was working on and I said , " Guess . " He knew what that meant - I was working on something for the young women . He then suggested I was adopting the philosophy ( which he knows I disagree with ) that Everything worth doing is worth over doing . That wasn 't it at all , I just had some inspiration and made the time to follow through with the ideas . In this post there are 5 ideas I 've seen elsewhere all folded into 2 projects . I was really inspired by the * full plate * idea from Kelly 's blog and I decided to apply it to my YW and use the concept to encourage them to reserve some time for working on their personal progress . I cut and punched a green paper plate , and then nested it in a blue one to make it pretty - a Martha Stewart idea . The little scroll of paper says : Is your plate too full to fit in some personal progress ? Take a close look at what 's eating your time ! The double paper plate creates an opportunity for a secret message , which I 'm curious if any of the young women will find . Will they separate the plates after they eat the cookies ? I know I would . * On Tuesday this week we invited mothers to join their daughters at YW 's to watch this DVD about dress and appearance . It was an interesting documentary involving some history of changing women 's styles and interviews with young women and adults of various cultures and backgrounds on the topic of modesty . One of the special features on the DVD was titled ' Pockets of Resistance ' , which made me think back to Kristi 's St . Patrick 's Day card , and I knew I had to do a hand out for each young woman on the subject of modesty . I printed out some points from For the Strength of Youth that I thought were important for the young women to keep in mind this summer as they make decisions in what they wear . And I made pockets from construction paper because construction paper is so cloth like . I divided each sheet into thirds , folded each piece , sliced off the corners , and sewed them up to look like pockets . If you have never sewed construction pPosted by I hope this isn 't how Chloe sees me - I did take her to the optometrist before she started kindergarten and he didn 't prescribe any corrective lenses . Is it time for another visit to the eye doctor ? Figuratively , maybe Chloe does see me this way . If this picture were in focus I 'd see all the little flaws I 'm not so crazy about . At five years old Chloe doesn 't see my flaws , and it is great to have someone in my life who thinks I do everything right , I know everything , I can do anything , and who thinks I 've got it all figured out . I don 't think as adults we need to see our parents as perfect or flawless like we did when we were five , but can I say I do think we need to cut them a little slack . I know this take on SPT isn 't what I was asked to reflect on , but this subject has been on my mind lately , and I think it 's important . And I think a good question to ask ourselves is are we so sure that we see our parents or our history with them accurately and clearly ? Maybe we need to correct our vision . This weekend Jaclyn sold her last box of chocolate covered almonds . Selling a case of chocolate covered almonds is a mandatory fundraiser for all of the junior high students who participate in school sports . She sold 2 boxes to a boy in her class before she brought the case home , and then just kept the case in her room and slowly , even patiently , waited for us to gradually buy her out . Carmen and Chloe have been extra enthusiastic to pick up more chores and earn a toonie ( a Canadian $ 2 coin ) which went straight to Jaclyn 's collection envelope . Steven 's most recent purchases made it from under his bed to in his garbage , along with wrappers from other after bedtime snacks , before I got around to taking the picture . Jaclyn bought a few for herself , but was far more disciplined than the rest of us . All together we bought $ 46 of chocolate covered almonds from Jaclyn in two weeks . Next year I really must make her go knock on doors . That 's what Ken 's cousin called her open house today . She and her family recently moved back in to their home after having it extensively renovated . They invited family , friends , neighbors , and passers by to come on over this afternoon and take a look around . It was beautiful , of course . They added on more square footage at the back of the house to create a modern sized kitchen . As for the rest of the house , it 's more like they restored it than renovated it . I didn 't walk around taking pictures of everything I loved , but here is one detail I had to pass along : For a mailbox she had a custom made leather saddlebag done to her specifications on size , detail , and hardware . She actually googled to find someone who could do the job , and found a leather craftsman less than a mile away from her own home . I don 't think you 'd need a custom made saddlebag to make this idea work - I 'm sure even Ken and I could rig up some hardware to attach a recovered / used leather saddlebag and use it as a mailbox . In our current home this idea would look really out of place , but Ken says we can remember it for our future retirement home in Montana ( his new plan is for us to live in Iron Horse in Whitefish when he retires ) . Today I wished I had a color printer . The real issue was a break down in official routine , but a color printer would have solved the problem . When the kids come home from school they 're supposed to bring their backpacks in to the kitchen , empty them , go over their agendas for assignments for the next day and put everything away . Steven left his backpack in the van yesterday , which I didn 't notice until I was packing lunches this morning , so his agenda didn 't get reviewed after school yesterday like it should have . I found out 15 minutes before the carpool arrived that Steven was supposed to bring a photograph of himself or his family or his dad for a Father 's Day craft at school today . Now that we 've gone digital with our pictures I only get photos printed for specific projects , so we didn 't have any photos laying around that he could just take . If we had a color printer that wouldn 't have been a problem , I could have just printed out a nice color photo for him in much less than 15 minutes . He had to take a b & w print on regular printer paper . Most of the time I don 't mind having only a b & w printer . I certainly don 't mind it when I look at the price of color ink refills . I even feel like working with this limitation has increased my creativity from time to time , like when I made the last day of school t - shirts with my little girls . I printed out bubble letters and line drawings onto the iron on transfer sheets and then the girls each colored in the letters and pictures with permanent markers right on to the transfer sheet . The hand colored letters and images ironed on just as well as the black and white computer generated outlines , and the girls loved helping with the project ! ~ We did an advance photo shoot because I 'll be at work on their last morning of school , and I 'm not putting ' take photos ' on a honey - do list for Ken for that morning . Rainbow colors , of course ! Chloe 's kindergarten teacher is going to love this , but she 's going to be sad that her daughters are older and she can 't copy the idea for her own famiPosted by Right on , I got a card from Jill with a * Queen of Good Mail * stamp on the envelope . I know Jill feels maybe a little foolish sending out her face on the front of a stamp , but to me it 's just natural . Mail and Jill go together . So here 's the rest of the story : until the end of June all the personalized stamps ordered are automatically entered into a contest to have that stamp featured in an exhibit at the Smithsonian . I 'm sure someone will come up with something profound for a personalized stamp that will be clearly deserving of the honor , but I wrote in to the contest and told them all about good mail and the girl who has increased the use of mail for many people . Jill , you deserve the Smithsonian in my book . Alright , enough about the envelope , look at that cute card ! I 'm pretty sure that 's a Parisian pastries picture on the front . A little piece of Paris . Perfect . I got another card from Elizabeth . I love homemade cards , and aqua and chocolate brown together ? This card matches my house and my wardrobe ! And here 's my copy of the Blogger 's Summer Cook Book ! I was impressed with how quickly it arrived . Elizabeth , I know how long that must have taken to put these cute books together for everyone , and I really appreciated it . I have a little bit of self - induced good mail , also . These are some chocolate medallions I ordered for YW in Excellence , which won 't be till November , but I 'm all about working ahead . If you are in YW you should really check these out at White Elegance . I thought I ordered the medallions with the YW girl on them , but I was shipped the temple spires medallions , which I guess is also very YW 's - y . I think I want to bind something like a book for each YW with velvet ribbon , and attach one of these medallions on top , or something like that . I don 't know , I 'm just typing out loud here . And last , but certainly not least , I bought back a piece of my childhood on eBay . I loved this book when I was little , and I am so happy to have reclaimed it . How does a mom know which childhood things to hold on to for hBarb Oh , I was stuck on this SPT , but then I made a visit to The Alberta Birds of Prey Centre on the weekend , and voila ! ______________________________________ * I found an American symbol in my own back yard . * They let me hold the owls , but not the bald eagle - I guess there was a chance he 'd break my arm with the strength of his talons . So this is as close as I got . He 's a very striking bird , and fits my image of America much better than a turkey ! Welcome home Michelle ! We had a flash rainstorm on Tuesday afternoon , which was over by the time school let out . Usually when I pick up the kids after school , I just wait in the car for them to straggle out , but I wanted a little hustle from them that day , so I went walking toward the school to find them . As I reached the sidewalk at the corner of the 3rd & 4th grade wing I saw a small group of kids gathered , and as I looked closer I saw a child just taking her head out from under the downspout which was still pouring water from the rainstorm . I looked at her and said , " Chloe ? ? ? " She looked up and saw me and said , " I wanted to be cold ! " ( Translation : Darn , I 'm cold , but I 'm not going to admit I made an error in judgement . ) She was more than happy to do it again for a picture . Posted by " I have taught thee all the Law of the Jungle for all the peoples of the jungle . . . " Rudyard Kipling , The Jungle Book Steven had his last night as a cub scout tonight . He received his 6th star and his 6th award as well as a few more badges for me to sew on his sash . He has just enough room left on that sash for me to squeeze it all in . He 's very happy to be leaving cubs and moving up to scouts - he 's been feeling a lot older than the tenderfoot cubs for quite a while . Last night I had Steven paste this vintage wolf cub picture onto the front of a card , and write a note thanking his Akela for being his cub leader - I think it 's just as important to teach the boys to be thoughtful and write thank you notes as the girls . I found these excellent vintage pictures at the New York Public Library Digital Gallery ( on my sidebar ) . They have so many great historic documents , including illuminated manuscripts , historical maps , vintage posters , rare prints and photographs , and illustrated books . The images may be freely downloaded for personal , research , and study purposes . It is such a great resource ! Posted by Outgoing : My envelope for the Butterfly ProjectIncoming : Thank you card from LisaThank you card from CrystalynA flower delivery from my dad : His personal hobby is gardening , and in the last few years he 's started a * grow - op * in his basement with automatic lights and sprinklers . His specialty is geraniums , but he tried a few new things this year , and I think next spring he might even take special orders . Usually the free plants come with free delivery as well as free installation , but not this time . I 'm sure he 's not ready to do any more work in my back yard this year . When he and my mom watched the kids for the corporate retreat in April my dad dug out all the substandard dirt from my garden , brought in new dirt , and did all of our planting from seed for us . I can definitely handle throwing a few flowers in the ground myself this year . Thanks Dad ! Good mail from Lisa : A yummy Dagoba chocolate bar - the antioxidants were all mine because Chloe tried a taste and didn 't like the dark chocolate . Also she sent these cute chicken note cards and a matching magnet . The sunflower seeds are great - my dad left one spot empty against my fence in the back yard , perfect for sunflowers . The girls will love the flowers , and my boy will like the homegrown spitz ! And I got my first wedding invitation for the wedding of a girl I 've served in YW . It was such a pretty invitation , and I tried to take a picture while respecting their privacy ( names and all that ) but I just couldn 't do it ! But here 's where they 're getting married : Lelly asked : so , hey , " what 's your favorite color ? " Maybe it 's juvenile , but I do have a favorite color . The problem is figuring out what to call it . Some of my favorite things have come with the name of the color printed on the label , some haven 't . Santana Album Cover : TurquoiseMy bedroom door nob sign : AquaChristmas gift from Kelly : Abalone Blue Carpet by the patio door : Danube Blue Police Concert Shirt : ? ? ? ' Police Concert Shirt Blue ' ? ? ? Mary Jane Crocs : Seafoam YW binder : Peacock YW bag : Robin 's Egg Throw Blanket : Ocean SprayWhat would you call it ? You can always turn to Crayola for a little bit of help from their current crayon color chart . Even more fun is the Crayola Color History .
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Howdy ! It 's just about time for the Calgary Stampede and for a pre - stampede event our church held a city wide western party for teenagers ages 14 - 18 this past Saturday . I was there as a youth leader running the barrel racing event . I brought in 3 barrels and timed the kids who raced piggy back style against the clock . It was a blast ! Here I am all duded up for Stampede . Posted by I know I said in my 100 list that I wasn 't going to return to exercise again till July , but the weather got warmer and I got interested in exercising again at the beginning of June . There aren 't many days that I am home without Chloe , so my return to running schedule was irregular at best . I made a few stabs at running earlier this month and it was painful . The best I did was like 1 kilometer , and then walking the other 4K in my 5K route from last spring . But last week on Wednesday , I gave running another try after taking 2 weeks off . I just set out without a specific goal , taking a route I hadn 't run before so that I wouldn 't make any comparisons , and I felt great ! When I got home I wanted to jump in my car to check how far I 'd gone , but Chloe ( who was home with Jaclyn who is done school because honors students don 't have to write finals , how great is that ? ) Chloe wanted to go on a run with me as soon as I got in from my solo run , and she just couldn 't wait . When we got home from our run Jaclyn snapped this picture of us for Chloe 's * news day * at kindergarten . Soooo , later in the afternoon I finally got to drive my new running route , and it was 5 . 3K ! I was so excited to have ran so far - with no walking . The next day I was pretty worn out and didn 't think I could repeat my running success of Wednesday , so instead I went on a bike ride of about 15K . I figured a change was as good as a rest . Today I set out on my new running route once more : 5 . 3K with the last kilometer being all uphill and I ran the whole thing again , which means Wednesday wasn 't a fluke . I have no idea of how I 've jumped back in to running like this . Last spring when I first took up running it took me a month of running 3x per week to get up to 5K without walking . I 'm going to call my experiences earlier in June interval training , I guess , because I 'm back up to my best running . It looks like I need to challenge myself further . Maybe at the end of the summer I 'll ask you to gimme 10 ? When I took on Amy 's challenge to ' Read a Russian ' I didn 't know that I was signing myself up for a 4 month project . " Sure , it 's a thick book , but I 'm a fast reader , " I thought to myself . Ha ! I had a hard time getting into it , as you can see from the lack of dog ears in the first several hundred pages . I spent three months on the first 500 pages and one month on the last 900 pages . Part of my problem at the beginning was just keeping the characters straight ! The book is a bit of a soap opera with parties and travel and relationships being made and broken . Originally War and Peace was written in both French and Russian , and when it was translated into English the names were left as originally written . So for instance Marie is also called Marya and Masha . Anna is also called Annette , at least one of the Anna 's is . After I conquered the more than one name for a single character issue , I then spent quite a lot of my reading waiting to figure out which characters were the main characters . Eventually I decided this was an ensemble cast with no main characters - but I was wrong on that one . At the very end the story the cast narrows down to four main characters , which almost makes me want to go back and read it again to relearn what these four characters were like at the beginning of the book . I mean , if I weren 't so exhausted from reading in general right now . ( See the new read on my sidebar ? ) * Now for a few quotes : The war Princess Marya looked on as women do look on war . She was apprehensive for her brother who was at the front , and was horrified , without understanding it , at the cruelty of men , that led them to kill one another . I didn 't like Tolstoy 's generalization about women in the first sentence , but actually , he pretty much summed up my feelings towards war in general with the last part there . * " Ha , ha , ha ! " laughed Pierre . And he talked aloud to himself . " The soldier did not let me pass . They have taken me - shut me up . They keep me prisoner . Who is ' me ' ? Me ? Me - my immortal soul ! ha , ha , ha ! . . . Ha , ha , ha ! . Posted by We love our long summer days here in the GWN ( great white north ) . Today we had dawn at 4 : 34 am and sunrise at 5 : 21 am . Our sunset will be at 9 : 55 pm and dusk not till 10 : 42 pm ! My kids are asking me if they can stay up till the daylight 's gone as a way to celebrate the first day of summer . Ha ! I told them sorry , I didn 't wake them up at 4 : 34 , and we 're still in school , so they can 't stay up till 10 : 42 . Popsicles for an after school snack were about as close as we got to a first day of summer celebration around here . Posted by On Saturday night Ken asked me what I was working on and I said , " Guess . " He knew what that meant - I was working on something for the young women . He then suggested I was adopting the philosophy ( which he knows I disagree with ) that Everything worth doing is worth over doing . That wasn 't it at all , I just had some inspiration and made the time to follow through with the ideas . In this post there are 5 ideas I 've seen elsewhere all folded into 2 projects . I was really inspired by the * full plate * idea from Kelly 's blog and I decided to apply it to my YW and use the concept to encourage them to reserve some time for working on their personal progress . I cut and punched a green paper plate , and then nested it in a blue one to make it pretty - a Martha Stewart idea . The little scroll of paper says : Is your plate too full to fit in some personal progress ? Take a close look at what 's eating your time ! The double paper plate creates an opportunity for a secret message , which I 'm curious if any of the young women will find . Will they separate the plates after they eat the cookies ? I know I would . * On Tuesday this week we invited mothers to join their daughters at YW 's to watch this DVD about dress and appearance . It was an interesting documentary involving some history of changing women 's styles and interviews with young women and adults of various cultures and backgrounds on the topic of modesty . One of the special features on the DVD was titled ' Pockets of Resistance ' , which made me think back to Kristi 's St . Patrick 's Day card , and I knew I had to do a hand out for each young woman on the subject of modesty . I printed out some points from For the Strength of Youth that I thought were important for the young women to keep in mind this summer as they make decisions in what they wear . And I made pockets from construction paper because construction paper is so cloth like . I divided each sheet into thirds , folded each piece , sliced off the corners , and sewed them up to look like pockets . If you have never sewed construction pPosted by I hope this isn 't how Chloe sees me - I did take her to the optometrist before she started kindergarten and he didn 't prescribe any corrective lenses . Is it time for another visit to the eye doctor ? Figuratively , maybe Chloe does see me this way . If this picture were in focus I 'd see all the little flaws I 'm not so crazy about . At five years old Chloe doesn 't see my flaws , and it is great to have someone in my life who thinks I do everything right , I know everything , I can do anything , and who thinks I 've got it all figured out . I don 't think as adults we need to see our parents as perfect or flawless like we did when we were five , but can I say I do think we need to cut them a little slack . I know this take on SPT isn 't what I was asked to reflect on , but this subject has been on my mind lately , and I think it 's important . And I think a good question to ask ourselves is are we so sure that we see our parents or our history with them accurately and clearly ? Maybe we need to correct our vision . This weekend Jaclyn sold her last box of chocolate covered almonds . Selling a case of chocolate covered almonds is a mandatory fundraiser for all of the junior high students who participate in school sports . She sold 2 boxes to a boy in her class before she brought the case home , and then just kept the case in her room and slowly , even patiently , waited for us to gradually buy her out . Carmen and Chloe have been extra enthusiastic to pick up more chores and earn a toonie ( a Canadian $ 2 coin ) which went straight to Jaclyn 's collection envelope . Steven 's most recent purchases made it from under his bed to in his garbage , along with wrappers from other after bedtime snacks , before I got around to taking the picture . Jaclyn bought a few for herself , but was far more disciplined than the rest of us . All together we bought $ 46 of chocolate covered almonds from Jaclyn in two weeks . Next year I really must make her go knock on doors . That 's what Ken 's cousin called her open house today . She and her family recently moved back in to their home after having it extensively renovated . They invited family , friends , neighbors , and passers by to come on over this afternoon and take a look around . It was beautiful , of course . They added on more square footage at the back of the house to create a modern sized kitchen . As for the rest of the house , it 's more like they restored it than renovated it . I didn 't walk around taking pictures of everything I loved , but here is one detail I had to pass along : For a mailbox she had a custom made leather saddlebag done to her specifications on size , detail , and hardware . She actually googled to find someone who could do the job , and found a leather craftsman less than a mile away from her own home . I don 't think you 'd need a custom made saddlebag to make this idea work - I 'm sure even Ken and I could rig up some hardware to attach a recovered / used leather saddlebag and use it as a mailbox . In our current home this idea would look really out of place , but Ken says we can remember it for our future retirement home in Montana ( his new plan is for us to live in Iron Horse in Whitefish when he retires ) . Today I wished I had a color printer . The real issue was a break down in official routine , but a color printer would have solved the problem . When the kids come home from school they 're supposed to bring their backpacks in to the kitchen , empty them , go over their agendas for assignments for the next day and put everything away . Steven left his backpack in the van yesterday , which I didn 't notice until I was packing lunches this morning , so his agenda didn 't get reviewed after school yesterday like it should have . I found out 15 minutes before the carpool arrived that Steven was supposed to bring a photograph of himself or his family or his dad for a Father 's Day craft at school today . Now that we 've gone digital with our pictures I only get photos printed for specific projects , so we didn 't have any photos laying around that he could just take . If we had a color printer that wouldn 't have been a problem , I could have just printed out a nice color photo for him in much less than 15 minutes . He had to take a b & w print on regular printer paper . Most of the time I don 't mind having only a b & w printer . I certainly don 't mind it when I look at the price of color ink refills . I even feel like working with this limitation has increased my creativity from time to time , like when I made the last day of school t - shirts with my little girls . I printed out bubble letters and line drawings onto the iron on transfer sheets and then the girls each colored in the letters and pictures with permanent markers right on to the transfer sheet . The hand colored letters and images ironed on just as well as the black and white computer generated outlines , and the girls loved helping with the project ! ~ We did an advance photo shoot because I 'll be at work on their last morning of school , and I 'm not putting ' take photos ' on a honey - do list for Ken for that morning . Rainbow colors , of course ! Chloe 's kindergarten teacher is going to love this , but she 's going to be sad that her daughters are older and she can 't copy the idea for her own famiPosted by Right on , I got a card from Jill with a * Queen of Good Mail * stamp on the envelope . I know Jill feels maybe a little foolish sending out her face on the front of a stamp , but to me it 's just natural . Mail and Jill go together . So here 's the rest of the story : until the end of June all the personalized stamps ordered are automatically entered into a contest to have that stamp featured in an exhibit at the Smithsonian . I 'm sure someone will come up with something profound for a personalized stamp that will be clearly deserving of the honor , but I wrote in to the contest and told them all about good mail and the girl who has increased the use of mail for many people . Jill , you deserve the Smithsonian in my book . Alright , enough about the envelope , look at that cute card ! I 'm pretty sure that 's a Parisian pastries picture on the front . A little piece of Paris . Perfect . I got another card from Elizabeth . I love homemade cards , and aqua and chocolate brown together ? This card matches my house and my wardrobe ! And here 's my copy of the Blogger 's Summer Cook Book ! I was impressed with how quickly it arrived . Elizabeth , I know how long that must have taken to put these cute books together for everyone , and I really appreciated it . I have a little bit of self - induced good mail , also . These are some chocolate medallions I ordered for YW in Excellence , which won 't be till November , but I 'm all about working ahead . If you are in YW you should really check these out at White Elegance . I thought I ordered the medallions with the YW girl on them , but I was shipped the temple spires medallions , which I guess is also very YW 's - y . I think I want to bind something like a book for each YW with velvet ribbon , and attach one of these medallions on top , or something like that . I don 't know , I 'm just typing out loud here . And last , but certainly not least , I bought back a piece of my childhood on eBay . I loved this book when I was little , and I am so happy to have reclaimed it . How does a mom know which childhood things to hold on to for hBarb Oh , I was stuck on this SPT , but then I made a visit to The Alberta Birds of Prey Centre on the weekend , and voila ! ______________________________________ * I found an American symbol in my own back yard . * They let me hold the owls , but not the bald eagle - I guess there was a chance he 'd break my arm with the strength of his talons . So this is as close as I got . He 's a very striking bird , and fits my image of America much better than a turkey ! Welcome home Michelle ! We had a flash rainstorm on Tuesday afternoon , which was over by the time school let out . Usually when I pick up the kids after school , I just wait in the car for them to straggle out , but I wanted a little hustle from them that day , so I went walking toward the school to find them . As I reached the sidewalk at the corner of the 3rd & 4th grade wing I saw a small group of kids gathered , and as I looked closer I saw a child just taking her head out from under the downspout which was still pouring water from the rainstorm . I looked at her and said , " Chloe ? ? ? " She looked up and saw me and said , " I wanted to be cold ! " ( Translation : Darn , I 'm cold , but I 'm not going to admit I made an error in judgement . ) She was more than happy to do it again for a picture . Posted by " I have taught thee all the Law of the Jungle for all the peoples of the jungle . . . " Rudyard Kipling , The Jungle Book Steven had his last night as a cub scout tonight . He received his 6th star and his 6th award as well as a few more badges for me to sew on his sash . He has just enough room left on that sash for me to squeeze it all in . He 's very happy to be leaving cubs and moving up to scouts - he 's been feeling a lot older than the tenderfoot cubs for quite a while . Last night I had Steven paste this vintage wolf cub picture onto the front of a card , and write a note thanking his Akela for being his cub leader - I think it 's just as important to teach the boys to be thoughtful and write thank you notes as the girls . I found these excellent vintage pictures at the New York Public Library Digital Gallery ( on my sidebar ) . They have so many great historic documents , including illuminated manuscripts , historical maps , vintage posters , rare prints and photographs , and illustrated books . The images may be freely downloaded for personal , research , and study purposes . It is such a great resource ! Posted by Outgoing : My envelope for the Butterfly ProjectIncoming : Thank you card from LisaThank you card from CrystalynA flower delivery from my dad : His personal hobby is gardening , and in the last few years he 's started a * grow - op * in his basement with automatic lights and sprinklers . His specialty is geraniums , but he tried a few new things this year , and I think next spring he might even take special orders . Usually the free plants come with free delivery as well as free installation , but not this time . I 'm sure he 's not ready to do any more work in my back yard this year . When he and my mom watched the kids for the corporate retreat in April my dad dug out all the substandard dirt from my garden , brought in new dirt , and did all of our planting from seed for us . I can definitely handle throwing a few flowers in the ground myself this year . Thanks Dad ! Good mail from Lisa : A yummy Dagoba chocolate bar - the antioxidants were all mine because Chloe tried a taste and didn 't like the dark chocolate . Also she sent these cute chicken note cards and a matching magnet . The sunflower seeds are great - my dad left one spot empty against my fence in the back yard , perfect for sunflowers . The girls will love the flowers , and my boy will like the homegrown spitz ! And I got my first wedding invitation for the wedding of a girl I 've served in YW . It was such a pretty invitation , and I tried to take a picture while respecting their privacy ( names and all that ) but I just couldn 't do it ! But here 's where they 're getting married : Lelly asked : so , hey , " what 's your favorite color ? " Maybe it 's juvenile , but I do have a favorite color . The problem is figuring out what to call it . Some of my favorite things have come with the name of the color printed on the label , some haven 't . Santana Album Cover : TurquoiseMy bedroom door nob sign : AquaChristmas gift from Kelly : Abalone Blue Carpet by the patio door : Danube Blue Police Concert Shirt : ? ? ? ' Police Concert Shirt Blue ' ? ? ? Mary Jane Crocs : Seafoam YW binder : Peacock YW bag : Robin 's Egg Throw Blanket : Ocean SprayWhat would you call it ? You can always turn to Crayola for a little bit of help from their current crayon color chart . Even more fun is the Crayola Color History .
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Could this be considered an Ishness post ? I 've never done one before , so I 'm not exactly sure of the protocol . Let me know in the comments ! For the uninitiated , " Ishness " is hosted by Deborah O ' Carroll . She and other participating bloggers talk about what they 've been doing lately . . . I want to talk about what I 've been doing lately . So . Let ' sa go - o . I got a job ! After several stressful weeks of searching , a local hardware store hired me as a cashier . If you ever happen to visit . . . first of all , how did you find out where I work ? ? Second of all , do not ask me to direct you to the ladders because I do not know where we keep the ladders . We carry everything from paint to propane to potting soil , from things that kill bugs to things that kill moss ( I live in the Pacific Northwest where moss is a Big Problem ) , from whitewood - that - is - actually - gray to hula hoops . I don 't know where any of these things are . I don 't know who made this gif , but I want to give them all the credit because Totoro hula hooping is just too cute . Also , I 'd like to thank them for making a hula hoop gif that doesn 't feature a half - naked woman . I 've never cashiered before , so this is a good learning experience for several reasons . 1 ) With cashiering skills , I can now get a job at any store . 2 ) I 'm forced out my cozy eggshell in order to politely and happily interact with strangers for long periods of time . - The old woman who bought $ 600 worth of soaker hoses . I asked her , " Do you have a big yard ? " and she said , " No , but I have a lot of plants . " Her plan was to hook up all the hoses and snake them through the yard so that she wouldn 't have to use a sprinkler to water her plants . - The talkative woman who went on and on about how easy it is to hide the true nature of things . Even people can put up a facade and you would never know until you marry them . ( That story went from very philosophical to very sad in a very short amount of time ) . Somehow , I 've managed to read seven books so far this month . I read Rosie the Riveter , which is about women in World War II . This is research for my next novel , which I will talk about in another blog post . What did I learn from this book ? Mainly that if women in the 1940s could leave their homes and children to do hard , physical labor and raise the production of planes from 60 a month to 360 a month ( and all while maintaining their waved hair and makeup - ed faces ) so that their men could win the war overseas , then I can be a part - time cashier without bemoaning my life . I also read The Magicians of Caprona and Witch Week by Diana Wynne Jones ( the third and fourth books in the Chrestomanci series ) . I enjoyed them immensely . I liked The Magicians of Caprona better , though , because of the parts with Punch and Judy . Also because of Benvenuto the Cat . The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater , however , took up most of my reading time this month . Several people whose bookish opinions I trust raved about this series . I tried reading it a year or two ago and couldn 't get into it because of the clairvoyancy . This time , however , I pushed passed the first two chapters and read the entire series in two weeks . There is SO much in The Raven Cycle to talk about . I 'd like to re - read the series and do a full review on it sometime in the near future . What I 'd like to say now , however , is that , yes , Maggie Stiefvater 's writing style is just as beautiful as people have said , her characters are flawed and real and wonderful , and her plot is unique and wacky . Also , yes , this series does have " questionable " content if you are a Christian . I say " questionable " in quotation marks because I have a lot of thoughts about this content . I would like to address this in a separate blog post , but , as I said , I 'd like to re - read the series before I talk about it more on my blog . For now , I will say that I enjoyed the series a lot , but if I were to recommend it , it would be with extreme caution ( at least until I can explain my thoughts about it ) . One thing I can say without re - reading the series is that THESE COVERS ARE SO GORGEOUS . Now , I 'm reading The Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve in preparation for the movie that Peter Jackson is making . I 'd forgotten how much I like Philip Reeve 's prose ! I also plan to start the fifth Chrestomanci book soon . WATCHING I watched Sherlock Season Four and it was So . Good . The middle episode was my favorite ( mostly because of Mrs . Hudson ) . I had to pause the last episode several times to say " WHAT ? ? ! " I didn 't like season three or the Christmas episode , so I was glad to enjoy Sherlock again ! If Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat were to end the series here , I would be happy because they wrapped up the storylines and character arcs fantastically . I love sitcoms , and I have been watching quite a bit of Friends and Cheers since getting home from school . I started watching Friends at school , and I started watching Cheers again because I wanted a show where I could take a break from all my worries ( sure would help a lot ) . Y ' know , sometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name , and they 're always glad I came . Cheers is a great show to make you feel that way . The Beatles album Sgt . Pepper 's Lonely Hearts Club Band had its 50th anniversary a few weeks ago , so I 've been listening to that a lot . In fact , I had to force myself to stop listening to it so that I wouldn 't get tired of it . It 's an incredible album , though . I watched a documentary on how the Beatles made it , and they pioneered several techniques and sounds with this album . They were a truly legendary band ( but perhaps that 's another blog post , too ) . Let me know what you 've been up to recently ! What have you been reading ? What have you been listening to ? I love getting comments , so don 't be shy . Posted by Meet Draegond . He 's married to Lynnie , who featured in last month 's Beautiful People post ! He 'd like to answer this month 's questions himself , so I shall turn The Blog over to him . I love to travel , though I haven 't done as much of it as I would like . Before defecting from King John 's guard , I had never traveled outside of Kasteel City . After I defected , however , I went straight to the mountains and crossed over to the desert beyond . It was so beautiful ! And so sparse . I loved it . I would love to go back someday with proper supplies . Last time , I didn 't bring enough water and passed out from dehydration and heat exhaustion . Finn 's mentor found me and they were able to bring me back to health . Well , I definitely learned not to enter a desert without proper supplies ! Ha ha ha . Another mistake that I made was returning to Amery after I defected . If you are going to defect , don 't come back to the country that you defected from . Similarly , if you are going to do something that goes against order ( like spy on your superiors , for instance . . . ) make sure that you are not caught . You may not get a chance to learn from your mistake if you are caught ! I was given the death sentence for defecting from King John 's guard , but he had mercy on me and only demoted me . 3 . What was your favourite subject in school ? Or favourite thing to learn about ? Much of my schooling prepared me for entering the king 's guard , which I hated . It was all fighting and marching and riding and more fighting . Students preparing for the king 's guard do get to take two classes of their own choosing , though ( they 're for if you are discharged from the king 's guard , you know another trade ) . I chose art and craftsmanship . I enjoyed those two classes the best out of all the ones that I had to take . 4 . What 's your favourite flower / growing thing ? I like small , round cacti . There were a lot of those in the desert . They have beautiful flowers . I also like those tiny , little daisies that grow in fields . 5 . Have you ever made someone cry ? What happened ? I 'm ashamed of this . . . I made my wife cry once . She still worked at the tavern , then . I had had a long day of work , and she had had a long day of work . At home , we got into a silly argument about how often the floor should be swept . I snapped at her . Then , she cried . That 's another mistake that I learned from : even if you 've had a long day , you can still act civil to your wife . 6 . Would you consider yourself a reliable or unreliable narrator ? Sometimes I dream about the desert . Sometimes I dream about Lynnie and I picnicking in the fields around Kasteel City . Sometimes I dream about dark forests and the dark things that they contain . I don 't often remember my dreams , but when I do - whether they take place in the desert or the fields or the forest - they always have dragons in them . I want to return to the desert and see dragons . That 's why I went there in the first place , but I never saw dragons . 10 . Do you have any distinguishing or unique talents ? I like to fancy myself a good artist . That 's not too unique , but it 's my only hobby ( beside adventuring , that is ) . I suppose I have the unique talent of looking intimidating ( when , according to my friends , I 'm really just a harmless turtle . I don 't like going too fast , and I like sitting in the sun ) . Thanks for letting me answer these questions . Life as a dungeon guard is pretty boring when you only have one person to guard . Finn ! Quiet ! This is my interview . Ignore him . He 's just salty because he 's been stuck in this dungeon for five years . He gets pretty bored , too . I should go back to him . Thank you again . Posted by I have a confession to make . Before last week , I had never seen a DC movie . I 've never seen a Superman film . I 've never seen a Batman film . * holds out card * Here 's my Nerd Cred . Take it away from me . I don 't deserve it . Or , maybe you could be lenient because I did see Wonder Woman ? You don 't have to give it back right away . . . Why don 't I tell you my thoughts and then you can decide whether or not I deserve my Nerd Cred back ? If you 've seen the trailers for Wonder Woman , then this review won 't be too spoilery . If you want to avoid all of the spoilers of ever , then I suggest you see the movie and come back here at a later date . Plot : Diana grows up among the Amazons - a society of women trained for war - on the secret island of Themyscira . In addition to being the daughter of the queen , she is also the only child on the island . Despite her mother 's hesitation , Diana learns to fight , and she also learns that the gods created the Amazons to protect the world from Ares , the god of war . One day , a plane flies through the barrier hiding Themyscira from the rest of the world . It contains Steve Trevor , a World War I spy . He explains the Great War to the Amazons and Diana is convinced that Ares has returned and that she must fight him . And So . Diana leaves the protection of Themyscira and travels to London and the trenches with Steve Trevor so that she may meet Ares in battle and destroy him once and for all so that the hearts of men will no longer be corrupted by his evil . Wonder Woman spends a long time setting up the story . There is a lengthy introduction before the inciting incident ( AKA Steve Trevor , if we 're going to name names ) happens . I felt that this threw off the pacing of the movie , as the audience spends a lot of time watching Diana grow up without having a reason to root for her yet . Also , throughout the movie , there is a lot of telling instead of showing . The Dump Truck of Exposition unloads several revelations on the audience instead of letting the Paver of DISS * smooth the information on the audience over a period of time . Friend , Abby . Text message to author . 7 June 2017 . ( < - - - - This is my attempt to cite my source in MLA format . I think I deserve my Nerd Cred back now . Thank you . ) While I didn 't enjoy the pacing of the movie , I thought that the plot and sub - plots were well done . I enjoyed the plot twists , too ! They actually managed to surprise me . She is innocent because she grew up in an ancient civilization while the rest of the world advanced for 2 , 000 years . She knows nothing about the world outside of Themyscira , which is humorous when she reaches London . Her innocence also shows itself in her mission . Her goal is to find Ares and she won 't let herself get sidetracked , even if that means messing up the plans of others and looking like a fool . She doesn 't know what constitutes acceptable behavior in WWI - era England , and so she does what she knows is right despite cultural standards . This turns her innocence into strength , for it allows her to stand up for her beliefs . I think we 've all had times when we don 't stand up for what we believe it because we are afraid to look foolish . Diana is a good example of standing strong in one 's beliefs , even when everyone else is against you . Diana is not only strong in conviction , but also in muscle . Countless times in the movie , she is the one to save her friends or march into battle first . She is no damsel in distress . While I have no doubt that she would have marched into battle just as quickly if she wasn 't searching for Ares , her motivation is to find Ares . Her enemies stood in the way of her ultimate goal , so she fought them . Her determination and courage are just as inspiring as her strength of mind and confidence . While Diana is single - mindedly trying to find Ares , Steve is single - mindedly trying to find Dr . Poison and her concoction . He and Diana help each other , but they remain very focused on their own missions , which I liked . They understand that they will need to sacrifice even their friendship to save the world . There are many other characters in this movie . There are the Amazons ( namely Hippolyta , who is Diana 's mother , and Antiope , who is Diana 's aunt / teacher ) , Steve Trevor 's secretary Etta Candy , and Steve Trevor 's friends Sameer , Charlie , and Chief . Because we spend so much time with the Amazons at the beginning of the movie , Steve Trevor 's entourage aren 't developed very well . They are more like caricatures than actual characters . I felt the same way about the villains . Setting : As my dad 's friend pointed out , Wonder Woman is set during World War I , which is odd for movies , since they usually focus on World War II . As someone who thinks World War I is more interesting than World War II , I loved the setting ! I liked the historical touches , such as the fashions and the inclusion of chemical warfare . The characters even visit the trenches and No Man 's Land ( I loved that part ) . There were some jokes and slang that seemed a little too 21st century for the 20th century . . . but , mostly , I thought they did a good job representing the time period ( especially since this is a superhero movie and not a historical film ) . According to the Amazons , humans were basically good until Ares came along and corrupted them . He is behind every war and every mean comment and every evil deed . Diana 's worldview is shattered , and she realizes that humans are evil without Ares ' help . She also realizes , however , that there are decent and kind human beings out there , too . And , ultimately , love conquers . This is a message that needs to spread in today 's day when terrorist attacks are normal , weekly occurrences ; when homeschoolers are no longer the anti - social ones ( I ' M JOKING ! DON ' T LYNCH ME ) , but everyone feels lonely ; and when the only way to win an important position is to attach your opponent 's name to wild horses and have it dragged through the mud . In this kind of world , messages like Wonder Woman 's are hopeful ( and hopefully helpful ) . While the moral of Wonder Woman is not an intentionally Biblical parallel , we can draw a parallel anyway . Humans are sinful , but there is still kindness in the world . Jesus ' sacrificial love conquers evil and it conquers death . As usual , editing went much smoother than I expected . I changed a lot of major things in this draft from last draft , yet it wasn 't as hard as I thought it was going to be ! I had a lot of fun making changes , spending time with my characters ( they have become very familiar to me over the past years [ even Finn , the little troublemaker ] ) , and just reading through the draft . Maybe next draft I 'll pay attention to all of the references I make and put them into a blog post , for I cannot seem to write a novel without including the titles of Beatles songs and other such inane foppery ( my favorite was a rogue Tim Hawkins quote . Yes , this is a fairytale - fantasy ) . So , what 's next ? Well , I know that I 'm too close to this draft to see any flaws , so I 'm going to send this draft to a few friends to read . I 'm excited for two reasons : Rozella led Finn and Ronan up the sand dune she had just climbed in her anger . She had found a surprise waiting for her on the other side . Now , she and her friends stood at the top of the dune looking down into a sandy valley . The light from the half - moon glinted off of at least a hundred scaly monsters . Dragons , indeed . Dragons as far as the eye could see ! And they were just waking up from their daily slumber . Their backs were easily twenty feet high . They were mostly brown and black , but there were also dark green , blue , and purple dragons . Occasionally a gold or silver dragon broke the monotony . Scales covered their entire bodies and they had horns protruding from their snouts and the tops of their heads . As the four travelers watched , the dragons became more and more active . The beasts woke , stretched , yawned , and began walking around . Some groomed each other with reptilian - like tongues . Some tasted the air with those same tongues . Some fought . Some flew . Its powerful wings beat slowly at first and then faster as it rose . Wind from the dragon 's wings hit the travelers full in the face and they stumbled backwards . In a moment , hundreds of other dragons began flapping into the air . The gale force winds forced the travelers back down to their campsite where they hastily extinguished their fire . They desperately hoped that the dragons wouldn 't mistake them for prey . Lynnie is one of the minor characters in my fantasy - fairytale novel . She is Rozella 's maid . 1 . Overall , how good is their relationship with their parents ? Overall , very good . Lynnie is a little distant from her father because he works so much , but she knows that he is always there for her if she needs something . She is closer to her mother , or , rather , her mother is closer to her . Lynnie 's mother has many sons , but Lynnie is her only daughter . She relies on Lynnie a lot and can sometimes be annoying in a way that only a mother can be to her daughter , but Lynnie loves her nevertheless . 2 . Do they know both their biological parents ? If not , how do they cope with this loss / absence and how has it affected their life ? Lynnie 's father was a humble mill boy . . . Lynnie 's mother was a humble farm girl . One day , she was sent on a mission to his mill to tell him that the next portion of wheat would be arriving late . He was very kind about it , even though he should have been angry since it was going to put the mill behind schedule . From that day on , she made sure to walk by the mill every day on her way home from the field , even though it was out of her way . One day , he followed her home and , after that , he walked her home on his way home every day , until his home became her home , too . 4 . How would they feel if they were told " you 're turning out like your parent ( s ) " ? Lynnie would feel that it was a complement if someone told her that she was like her father , for her father is reliable and kindhearted . If she were turning out like her mother , on the other hand , Lynnie would be appalled . Her mother loves learning the latest royal gossip and spreading it to whoever will listen . She is also very particular about her children and grandchildren ; people call her a hen . Lynnie doesn 't like to gossip , and she would rather have her children as free - spirited as possible . 5 . What were your character 's parents doing when they were your character 's age ? Lynnie 's father was working hard at the mill and Lynnie 's mother was expecting their first baby . 6 . Is there something they adamantly disagree on ? Lynnie believes that King John 's treatment of the lower classes ( of which her family hails from ) is deplorable and that they should do something about it . Her father agrees that King John treats his peasants horribly , but he thinks that it is too dangerous to speak or act against the king . Lynnie and her mother disagree on celebrity gossip . Lynnie thinks that her mother should find better things to engage her time , but Lynnie 's mother is convinced that one day her knowledge of All Things Royal will come in handy one day ( it turns out that she is right ) . Lynnie was never content to stay at home to learn mending or cooking . She was always out exploring the countryside with her brothers . This was fine , except that Lynnie 's parents didn 't always know where she had got to ! When their family was forced to move to the city , Lynnie explored it on her own . Often , she wandered into parts of town that she was not supposed to go as a peasant . Her parents spent many afternoons wondering where she had gone and if she was going to come home that night . 8 . What 's their most vivid memory with their parental figure ( s ) ? Lynnie remembers refusing to learn to sew as a little girl until her father came to her and asked her a special favor to him to learn to sew so that she could help her mother mend the clothes for the family . Maybe someday , he said , she could help her mother make the quilts that the family made for extra money , and then Lynnie would be a productive member of the family . From that day on , Lynnie decided to love sewing . 9 . What was your character like as a baby / toddler ? She was an amiable baby . She hardly ever cried and smiled a lot . When she learned to crawl , she never stopped until she learned to walk . She has been going place ever since . 10 . Why and how did the parents choose your character 's name ? " Lynn " was the name of Lynnie 's grandmother . Her parents wanted to honor Grandma , but they also wanted to make their baby 's name unique , so they added " ie " at the end of her name . Posted by
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We had this for dinner tonight , and it was so yummy ! I used these noodles , just to get some veggies into a certain three year old that refuses to eat veggies . And they tasted great ! Please excuse the picture , but I forgot to take a picture until dinner was put away . Posted by First , Michael and I went shopping for a blanket for his bed . I wanted something classic and that will grow with him . I don 't want to be buying a new blanket every couple of years for him . I really liked several from Pottery Barn , but I just cannot justify paying $ 125 for just a quilt ! So , we went to Marshall 's and found just what we were looking for ! There were two different ones I liked , so I let Michael pick which one he wanted . I 'm glad he picked the one he did , cause that was the one I would have picked too . I love all the blues , and the bright green gives it a little something . Best part , it was only $ 40 and included the sham ! Now for an update on how he is doing in his new bed : Well , Michael has been in his new bed for a week now and it has completely changes his sleeping patterns . I was not expecting this at all . He usually would go to bed really easily , go right to sleep and sleep till 8 or 8 : 30 . Now , he wants to play at bed time , is getting out of his bed when he is supposed to be sleeping , and he is waking up at 7 : 00 ! His naps are also getting shorter . He used to nap for 2 + hours , and yesterday , it was only an hour . Last night , I kept hearing walking around , so I went to check on him and he had every light on upstairs and was playing in the extra bedroom ! I think tonight we will be putting up the baby gate outside of his room , so he at least he will stay in his room . We don 't really mind if he is in his bed looking at books ( which he was also doing last night ) , because he will eventually fall asleep . We just don 't want him wandering around the house . This morning , when I went downstairs , the lights were on , and his toys were out . So , who knows when he was down there playing ! This probably has a lot to do with him testing his boundaries . He has been doing that a lot lately , and this is just one more area where he wants to see what he can get away with . Hopefully he will figure it out quickly . Posted by One of Michael 's birthday presents from us , was going to see the new movie , Planes . Every time Michael saw anything to do with the movie , he got so excited , so I knew he would love the movie . We went last Tuesday night and Michael had a great time . He didn 't move from his seat almost the entire time . He did have to go the bathroom , but other than that , he just sat and stared at the movie . Since then , he has told anyone who will listen , that he saw the planes movie . I am actually thinking about taking him to see it again , because he liked it so much . If you know anything about Michael , you know that he does not like to touch slimy things . Like worms or lizards or snakes . When we were at Disney in January , he had the chance to be the first one to touch a skink , and he refused . He only wanted to look at it . He will look at them all day long , but do not try to get him touch them . Well , slowly , he has taken an interest in actually touching / holding worms . It started with just touching them . Then it went to him actually picking up a dead worm off the driveway . Well last week , he picked up a live , wiggling , squirming , slimy worm ! An was so proud of himself ! Maybe next time he has the opportunity to pet a skink , he will ! Posted by Michael had his three year check up today . He did great ! Even when he had to get his finger pricked . He is now 39 1 / 4 inches tall and weighs 33 lbs . He is a tall and skinny ! The doctor wasn 't too concerned with his weight . She said to try to get him to eat as much protein as I can . She was impressed with how much he knows , and said to keep working with him , because he will learn so much so easily . We are going to start doing a new letter every week . And hopefully he will learn them all really good . He knows a lot of letters , but it 's something I want to be intentional about . Anyway , he did great as the doctor , and hopefully we won 't need to go back again until next August . So far , he has only been to the doctor for his well child check ups . I 've got one healthy little boy ! Posted by Today was the day . We moved Michael into a big boy bed ! I know most kids are moved out of their crib before their third birthday , but for Michael , he just loved his crib . It was a his space , that he was comfortable in . And he was in no hurry to move out . We had started talking about a new bed months ago , but his response was always the same , " I have a bed ! " Well , one day I showed him the twin bed that we had for him , and that was all it took . He talked all the time about moving to a big boy bed . So , for his birthday , Andrew 's parents got him a mattress and some buzz and woody sheets . The mattress was delivered on Friday and I asked Michael if he wanted to sleep in his new bed , or in his crib one more time . He said he wanted to sleep in his crib , and I was thankful . You never know when something will be the last time , until it had past , but I knew that Friday night , would be the last night my baby boy would sleep in his crib . Yes , I took pictures . Anyway , this morning , we went to Walmart to buy a mattress cover and some extra sheets . When we got home , I set out to transform his room . I took the crib apart , moved furniture , put the twin bed together and set it all up . And yes , I did it all myself . Michael was there to help too ; ) He was so excited ! From the time I started setting it up , he asked constantly if it was nap time yet . He was so excited to take a nap in his new bed . At last it was time to take a nap , and he climbed right in , pulled up the covers and laid down . Of course he did talk to himself for 30 minutes all about his new bed and sheets . And when he woke up , he stood at the top of the stairs and yelled down , " Momma , I 'm awake ! " He was just as excited to go to bed tonight . Hopefully we won 't have any visitors in our bed tonight . We still have to get some blankets for his bed , but for now , we are using an extra one we had in the closet . I can 't believe he is old enough to be in a big bed . Posted by I was so worried that it would rain , since it has rained almost every day this summer , but it didn 't rain at all . In fact , it was clear skies and HOT and HUMID ! ! It 's a good thing we had lots of water and juice ! All of the kids had a great time on the playground ! As far as food goes , we had cupcakes , watermelon , cheese - its , and rice crispy treats . Since it was at 10 : 00 in the morning , we could get away with not serving a meal . Michael got so many wonderful gifts , and was spoiled rotten ! I made up the cutest little party bags for all the kids , and forgot to give them out till there were only a couple of kids left . Luckily , most of the kids were cousins , so we were able to get them their bags . Inside each bag was a bag of monster gummies , a lolly pop , 3 gum balls , 3 packs of sixlets , and two sour punch licorice pieces . Everything was color coordinated , blue , aqua , and green ; To match the theme , of course . Party City has all of their candy color coordinated , so it was really easy to just grab 15 pieces of each candy , in each of the colors . Then each bag was tied with a aqua and green ribbon . Super easy , and super cute . I would say the party was a success ! Michael was having so much fun , and loved having all of his friends and cousins there . Posted by I also found these " Sully " cupcakes and thought they would be cute . A couple of days before the party , I had to do a little prep for the cupcakes . I had to make the eyes And the mouths Then the night before the party , I made the cupcakes , decorated and assembled them all . With help from my momma ! I think they turned out Great ! So , you want to know how to make them , here you go . For the Mike Wazowski cupcakes : The eyes are a white candy melt , with blue cookie icing , and a brown mini M & M . That 's it . I got the candy melts from hobby lobby and the cookie icing in the baking aisle at the grocery store . Just a note , you don 't need that much icing . You can see in the picture of the eye balls , that I started with too much icing , and cut back a lot as I went . For the mouths , I used a tootsie roll that I rolled out and cut with a cookie cutter into a mouth shape . For the the teeth , I used the same cookie icing . If I had to do it over again , I would wait till the morning of the party to put the mouth on . Because the tootsie roll got very soggy and started dripping by the next morning . The antlers were just slivered almonds , bought in the store that way . For the " Sully " cupcakes , we used a " grass " frosting tip . Very simple . I am very happy with how both of them turned out . Posted by And it was love at first sight ! I knew that this was my son , the one God chose just for me . August 10th is one of my favorite days ! This year , I celebrated this day with a very special Monsters Inc Party for a very special little boy ! Then that night , we went to Maggiano 's for dinner . It was a great day , full of celebration ! Posted by Here is how Michael celebrated turning three : When he woke up , he got to snuggle in bed with Mommy , while we sang Happy Birthday to him , before Daddy had to go to work . Then he watched a movie in our bed , and got to drink chocolate Milk ! After his movie , we got ready and went to go get donuts ! He chose the bag of donut holes . I 'm sure he has figured out he gets a lot more donuts that way ; ) Then we went to see Grandma and Papa at work . Then home to nap . After nap time I kept asking him what he wanted to do , or where he wanted to go , and he just wanted to stay home and play . Daddy came home from work early and Michael opened his presents ! - New Monsters Inc shirts & socks - New pajamas - A Bubble gun - Play dough toys - Monsters Inc Gummies & stickersHe was very excited about the bubble gun , so we went straight outside to play with it . He had a blast ! Then it was dinner time . Nothing special , just spaghetti . But I did make the sauce from scratch ! And it was delicious ! After dinner , we took Michael out for ice cream . This is something we started last year and I want to continue . Since his party isn 't on his actual birthday , I want him to have a special treat , but don 't really want to make two cakes in one week . So ice cream makes sense . This year we went to Dairy Queen and Michael got the chocolate dipped come ! As you can see , he thoroughly enjoyed it ! And yes , he ate it all ! He had a great birthday , and we can 't wait to celebrate at his party this weekend ! Posted by I can 't believe my baby boy is three today ! Where did the time go ? It seems like just yesterday , he was a tiny little baby ! And now , he is a running , jumping , big boy ! I am so proud of him ! Just ask any of my friends or family . I can 't stop talking about how wonderful he is . He is so funny , and keeps us constantly entertained . He is so smart and is always surprising us with what he knows . But the biggest surprise , is his imagination . He has quite a wild one . Michael , we love you more than you will ever know . You were and still are , our biggest blessing . How is it possible , that out of all the little boys in the whole world , God gave us the very best one ? Happy Birthday Michael ! We love you ! Posted by Wife , Mom , lover of Christ . Enjoy scrapbooking , crocheting and all kinds of craftiness . Love to blog to document the everyday stuff and the extra sepcial . This is just a peek into my life . View my complete profile
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It 's been all crochet , all the time over here in Noolieville - not a stitch has been knit since the end of May when I finished a pair of socks for Clover . I was inspired to make this after seeing a beautiful Noro log cabin blanket that Brenda knit ( too bad she never posts on her blog or Ravelry anymore so I could link you to the blanket ! ) I had been itching to start a crochet project for a while and decided this would be just the thing to crochet . I contemplated crocheting log cabin squares and then decided to do this diagonal shell stitch pattern that my Nana used to use for afghans for all of us . Crocheting always makes me feel close to her ; she 's been gone nearly 19 years now , but when I 'm crocheting it 's like she 's right there with me . She taught me to crochet when I was ten and I can still remember that day as if it were yesterday . Special memories never die . Anyway . . . enough mush . . . I am nearly finished knitting the Noro ; that half finished square in the middle of the picture is the last one . Then I 'll be on to crocheting black borders on all 20 squares . Here 's a ( lousy ) picture of four of the completely finished squares ( unblocked ) . The squares are 12 " so this will be a pretty good sized blanket ! Wow , can you believe it 's already the last day of the year ? I have a few final FO 's for 2009 to show you . First up - Clover 's Ornaments We got some new end tables about a month ago . I 'd like for the new tables to stay new looking for a while so figured I needed some coasters . Here are some that I whipped up the other night when I couldn 't stand using a placemat or napkin any longer : Just some simple crocheted circles using some KnitPicks Wool of the Andes yarn I had in the stash . Clover liked them so much that she decided to use one as a rug for her new Kai - Lan dollhouse . I FINALLY finished this pair of socks . Started - September 22nd Finished - December 29th ! Yarn - Cherry Tree Hill Supersock MerinoNeedles - size 2 Kollage dpn 's I have no idea why it took over three months for me to finish this pair of socks . It 's not like I used some complicated pattern ; it 's a plain stockinette sock knit from the top down . The yarn is really nice ; I like the color and the feel of it , so it 's not that . Oh well , at least they are done now and they 've been gifted to my friend , Mary , who loves them so all is good . Crocheted with 1 1 / 4 skeins of Cascade 220 Superwash , color 893 ( a much deeper , richer red than this photo would have you believe ) on size H crochet hook . No pattern ; just a few rows of half - double crochets on each end with the rest being double crochet . Easy peasy . Hey there . Long time no post , eh ? I have no ( good ) excuses so how about we just pretend I 've been here all along and I 'll do a Wednesday Night Bullet Post ? Okay , here goes : Last time I posted , I mentioned that I was going to have nine days off work ( that included 2 weekends ) . Sounded good , didn 't it ? I ended up having ten days off . Sounds even better . It wasn 't . I started my time off a day early and spent the first four days sick in bed ( or on the couch ) . I was not quite myself for most of the time I was off work . I 'm better now . Of course , I 'm back at work now too . Oh well . I 've had what feels like A . D . D . lately ; I can 't concentrate on anything . I 've fallen so far behind in my blog reading that I 'll never be able to catch up . I think I 'm going to have to hit the dreaded " mark all read " button and just start over . I HATE doing that ; I don 't like missing out on any news from my blog friends . My poor farm on Facebook is in serious need of some attention . I don 't even want to look at my " Happy " Aquarium ; I fear it 's not very happy . Samm and I took Clover to see Santa one day last week . She liked him fine and even talked to him a little . She drew the line at sitting on his lap though . We also took her to Chuck E . Cheese for lunch the same day to see how she liked it . Luckily she 's not afraid of the big mechanical puppets on stage because she 's having her birthday party there on Sunday . Yes , she 's having another birthday already . I 've done a little knitting . Very little . I 'm working on Wisteria right now using Cascade Eco + in red . I whipped through the neck and thought I 'd breeze right through the rest of the patterning in no time . Wrong . I knit every patterned row two or three times for several days . ( see A . D . D . comment above ) Thankfully , I have been able to knit each row just once for the last two days . I have just 12 rows to go before switching to plain stockinette . I was hoping to have this sweater for Christmas ( for myself ) but I 'm not counting on that anymore . I started crocheting a scarf the other day for the Red Scarf Project using Cascade 220 Superwash . It really isn 't wider on the top than the bottom ; it 's distorted in this picture . The project is running seriously short of scarves this year . If you can , please knit or crochet one ( or more ) . Guidelines are here . The deadline is December 15th . I think I 'll end here before another night gets away from me . Have a good one ! Remember going to slumber parties as kids ? Staying up all night , eating tons of junk food , laughing and giggling with the girls , playing games . Those were some good times , weren 't they ? Patti , Sharon , Eileen , Carol , and I decided to have a slumber party at Sharon 's house . It was a typical girls ' slumber party . We laughed , we giggled , we played games ( knit & spin ) , we ate ( and ate and ate and ate ) . The only thing we didn 't do was stay up all night . Wait , we also didn 't play Truth or Dare ; hmmmm , maybe next time . I 'll end with a picture of Clover 's finished socks . I used Lorna 's Laces Shepherd sock yarn for this tiny pair of socks . They fit her perfectly and she loves them - I call that a success ! Ooops , it 's been almost 2 weeks since I posted the picture of my Crocus Bud wrap soaking and waiting to be blocked . I guess it 's about time to show you the finished pictures . I 'm sure many of you have seen these already on Ravelry , but for those of you who haven 't , here they are : This is my first big project with my own handspun and I 'm incredibly happy with how it turned out . The size is exactly what I wanted ; long enough to wrap around my shoulders and rest on my arms , but not so long as to get in the way . It 's also just the right width to keep my shoulders and arms warm in a cool room . My plan is to wear this with a brown dress to my niece 's wedding in September . I have one more FO to show you today . This one is a much smaller project . I 'll be attending the Granite State Knit - in at Loon Mountain in a couple of weeks . We have been asked to bring a teddy bear dressed in a handknit sweater . These will be given to kids in emergency situations to help comfort them . Here 's mine : It 's my crazy busy time at work and will remain that way for a couple more months . Add to that the fact that I 'm also very busy in my non - work life - knit night , spinning night , watching Clover on days Samm works ( after I get home until Jay gets home from work ) , or just plain playing with Clover . This makes it really difficult to blog regularly . I 've decided not to stress too much about it and stop apologizing for it , but I would really like to get in at least one fiber related post a week . This week 's post was meant to be a WIP Wednesday post , but I didn 't finish it in time ( see above ) so you 're getting it today . Just pretend for a moment that it 's Wednesday as I show you my current WIP 's . ( The ones I 'm actively working on anyway ; like most of you , there are plenty more that have been stashed away to take a timeout and which may or may not be ressurected at some future date ) . SPINNNIG : Sereknity " Beach Glass " I 'm loving the way this is spinning up . I split the fiber only once lengthwise to get nice long color repeats . I intend to navajo ply in order to keep the beautiful colors intact . The singles should be finished tonight at Chicks with Wheels . KNITTING : This is the completed back of my Cabled Yoke Pullover . Since taking this picture , I 've completed the front up to the point where I need to begin the patterning . It 's now on hold until I finish this next item : Spring Savasana Socks ( Ravelry link ) by Gina House This is Gina 's newest sock pattern ( the one she gifted me last week ) . While doing a partial stash organization on Sunday , I rediscovered this yarn that Patti gifted to me quite some time ago . It is Dream in Color Classy and it is perfect for this pattern . It 's very soft and squishy and feels wonderful on my foot . The pattern is great ; it 's very easy to remember the 4 row pattern repeat and it 's quick . I started this first sock Sunday afternoon and finished it on Monday ! I 've started and completed the ribbing on the second sock and plan to finish that by the weekend . CROCHETING : Warning - Very Bright Photo Ahead - Use Caution when Viewing ! I haven 't shown you any progress on my Crocus Wrap for a while and since it was a beautiful sunny afternoon after work yesterday , I decided to snap a picture on the deck . Immediately after taking the picture below , my camera battery died . Had it not died , I would have attempted to get a better photo for you . Crocus WrapMy handspun Louet Northern Lights yarn in the Burning Bush colorway ( which is much pretty than the picture would lead you to believe ; check it out here . ) I 'm enjoying crocheting this wrap ; I don 't need it until mid - September so I 'm just taking my time and working on it when the mood strikes . It doesn 't look so hot unblocked , but when I stretch it out to get a preview of how it might look when finished , I 'm very happy . Now I just need to lose enough weight to fit into the dress I want to wear with it ! ( I should be able to do it - I 've lost 11 1 / 2 pounds since mid - February ; just have to keep my motivation up to lose another 10 . ) How 's that for a clever title ? Lame , I know . I meant to post a WNBP last night but never managed so I have a bit of the random for you today . Lisa is having a contest and giving away two Nantucket Baggs . All you have to do is leave her a comment on the contest post ( by April 3rd ) with your guess of when the pile of snow near her office will melt . Have you seen these bags ? They are awesome . They are so awesome that I can 't believe I 'm telling you about the contest . Perhaps it 's because by mentioning the contest , I get an extra chance to win . You too can have an extra chance if you post about it . Go read her post for all the details and to see pictures of the snow pile in question ; it 's really more of a snow mountain ! ~ ~ WiiI bought a Wii system this past Saturday . The plan was to get a Wii Fit with it , but the store was all out . I went ahead and bought the system and went home and ordered the Wii Fit , which arrived yesterday . I have a few thoughts to share about the Wii games . 1 ) Wii is addictive ! I am not usually a person who gets into the video games , but this is so different . I LOVE it ! 2 ) Samm may be stronger than me in real life , but I kicked her butt in boxing the first night . ( We won 't talk about the next time we boxed . ) 3 ) I hate baseball in real life , and I suck at it in Wii life . I won 't give up though ; I will hit that ball if it kills me . 4 ) The sports games are really good exercise ; I have the sore muscles to prove it . 5 ) My Mii is kind of freaky - it really looks just like me . I also have a few thoughts to share about Wii Fit . 1 ) Wii Fit and Mii are not off to a good start . 2 ) Wii Fit is mean and called me fat ( okay , so it called me " overweight " but we all know that means " fat " ) . 3 ) Wii Fit told me my Wii age is 54 ! 4 ) 54 is not old . 5 ) Unless you 're 48 ! 6 ) At least Wii Fit didn 't make my Mii look too round , just a bit rounder than I 'd like . . 7 ) I think I 'll like Wii Fit better in a couple of months . Which brings us to my next topic . I think her post was written just for me . I have been working hard trying to lose weight since mid - February . As I said , I had just ordered Wii Fit , and it just so happens that I was measured that morning , so I just HAD to join . There 's been progress on the sock I picked back up the other day ; I have just a few rows to do before beginning the toe . I won 't bore you with that photo until the sock is finished . ( Then I 'll bore you with a single sock . ) Well , I think that 's enough this and that for this Thursday ( say that 3 times fast ! ) . Samm has a friend who just had a baby boy on Monday . She asked me a while ago if I would make something for the baby , and since his Mommy loves monkeys , I thought the Li ' l Monkey Blanket ( Ravelry link ) from The Happy Hooker book would be perfect . I am not using the yarn called for ( Bernat Softee Chunky ) , instead I 'm using Berroco Comfort . It 's a smaller gauge so I have to crochet more rows to get the correct size squares , but I think it 's a much nicer yarn . Here 's a picture of about 1 / 2 the squares needed . The next couple of projects I have to show you are using yarn that I bought while in Vermont for a knitting weekend a few weeks ago with Patti and our Manchvegas knitting friends . The yarn and pattern for this sweater was chosen after seeing the sample sweater at The Knitting Studio in Montpelier . Pattern : Child 's Ruffle Sweater by Vermont Fiber DesignsYarn : O - Wool Balance in Ruby ( a lovely blend of organic wool & organic cotton ) Can you guess who I 'm making this for ? The yarn was purchased at a wonderful little shop called The Vermont Yarn Shop at Plainview Farm in Plainfield , VT . Several of our group picked up some of this yarn ( we took all she had ) . It 's an amazingly soft cormo / silk blend from This and That Farm . This project is currently on hold while I decide if I can really stand to knit 60 inches ( 20 inches wide ) of almost all stockinette stitch . I 'm thinking I may pull this out and add a little patterning to it ; nothing fancy , just enough to hold my interest . We 'll see ; any suggestions ? ~ ~ Last night was another fun Chicks with Sticks night . Most of the usual crowd was there and we had a visitor , Aricka who was a lot of fun . She had stopped in the shop earlier in the day and saw the shop sample of my Tulips Scarf and Hat . She wanted to buy it or learn to make it . ~ ~ Turns out she did both ! Patti didn 't have a copy of my pattern in the shop , but it 's so simple I was able to write it out and show her how to make it . She had crocheted in the past , so I really just had to give her a little refresher . She used a beautiful rose color of Ultra Alpaca and got quite a bit done while there . She did a great job and she seemed quite pleased , which pleased me . I just love it when someone gets so excited over a project , especially when it 's my design : - ) ~ ~ Several of the regulars of CWS have recently taken up spinning . Since there doesn 't seem to be a local spinning group , we decided to start our own . Patti offered to host it at the shop and we 'll be getting together once a week to spin . I can 't wait ; it 's a great group of friends and it 's nice to have an excuse to meet a second night each week : - ) ~ ~ I started another sweater for Clover the other night . I knit a few inches on it thinking I was using the size 8 needles that I 'd just finished using on her other sweater . Granted , they didn 't look like 8 's , but that was the size I had put in my knitting bag when finishing the other sweater . I wasn 't liking how tight it was knitting up and decided I 'd try a size 9 . I took out my Harmony tips and that 's when it hit me - I had ripped out the Lisha Lace Scarf the night before ( we will not speak of this other than to say the pattern is great ; I just can 't count ) and threw those needles ( size 5 ) in my knitting bag . The size 8 's had already been put away . ~ ~ No wonder it was tight ! Needless to say , I ripped out and restarted the sweater using the size 8 's . That was yesterday afternoon before CWS . Here 's where it 's at after CWS ( just a couple inches left on the back ) : ~ ~ I bought this yarn from Zonda about a year or so ago when she mentioned that she had extra and wouldn 't be using it . It 's Freshisle Fibers Suffolk Wool . Along with the watermelon self - striping , she also had the solid watermelon red ( which I used on the seed stitch border ) and the solid watermelon pink , which I think I 'll use for the sleeves . ~ ~ I 'm hoping that tonight I 'll finally finish spinning the singles of the Campfire fiber I bought from Heather last month at Fiber Revival . I really can 't believe how long it 's taking me to spin . It seemed like I was really moving along quickly there in the beginning . ~ ~ It may have seemed that way because after spinning for a while , I weighed the fiber I had left and thought that I had already spun 2 1 / 2 of the original 4 ounces . I thought it went pretty fast and the bobbin didn 't look all that full but I changed bobbins and began spinning the " second half " . ~ ~ A couple days later , Samm wanted to see what I had for fiber so I went into my fiber closet and guess what I found . Yep , the actual " other half " of the fiber was in the closet . I had only spun 1 / 2 an ounce on the first bobbin - DUH . ~ ~ Why yes , I am rather brain dead at times , why do you ask ? Wow , it 's been a long time since I 've posted about anything I 'm working on , hasn 't it ? There really has been a bit of knitting going on around here , even some crocheting . Spinning , on the other hand , has not been happening lately . I 'm going to have to fix that . But for now , let 's take a look at what 's been on the needles ( and hook ) and what 's come off . Samm said that Clover needed some more bibs , so I made this one for her . by Kay Gardiner and Ann ShayneYarn : Lily Sugar ' n Cream , colorway : PlaytimeSize 8 needles . Mods : I put a snap on it instead of a button , and I 'm really not very pleased with it . I think I 'll replace it with some velcro . I have a lot more cotton yarn , so I 'll be making a couple more soon . Because working with this cotton is so hard on my hands , it takes me a few days to make one and then it takes a while before I feel like doing it again . Have you noticed the lack of socks around here this year ? Yeah , me too . What 's up with that ? I do have two socks on the needles ; not a pair , 2 single socks . Samm 's Sweet Clover socks ( which are actually almost ready to begin the toe ) and my Sockotta socks . Both plain ole stockinette , top down socks . Nothing difficult , so why can 't I seem to finish even one ? No big deal , though . Remember , I decided to stop putting pressure on myself with the knitting . Knitting is my enjoyment and relaxation and I 'm not letting it get stressful . No matter how much I want to finish some socks . I 've started another lace project . This is The Twinings Stole by Anne Hanson I 'm using some Fino that I won quite a long while ago from Kelli . This is the first project I 've actually knit with laceweight . I 've only completed 2 repeats of the 16 row lace pattern , ( actually , I almost completed 3 repeats but had to frog back a bit ) but I think it 's coming along nicely . My plan is to complete this shawl before tackling the Flight of the Honey Bees . Samm bought a new camera and naturally it 's just enough longer than the old one that it doesn 't fit in the case I made recently for her . That 's okay though , because I like that one better than the one I made for myself so I 'm using it . I crocheted Samm a new one today . Here it is before felting ( sitting next to the one that I 'm now using ) . I used Lion Brand Wool in " Flower Garden " and a size K crochet hook . I just crocheted until I thought it was big enough and then felted it . It is drying right now ; I 'll have a completed picture in a couple days . Okay , I 've shown you an FO , a prefelted FO , and some WIP 's . You may be wondering what the 300 Hats in the title is all about . You know I have NOT knit 300 hats in the last couple of weeks . As a matter of fact , I haven 't finished even one hat in quite a long time . I did , however , begin a hat today for Colleen and the 300 Hat Project . The quick details are that Colleen 's friend , Kristy , will be traveling to the Ukraine in September and working with several orphanages . She 'd like to bring 300 hats with her and Colleen has offered to be her East Coast Connection . She 'll collect hats through the end of August . Please click the link for more details . Oh yeah , there will be prizes too ! Here 's my first hat for the project : It 's not much yet , but I 've only just begun . I plan to knit hats all summer , in between other projects . Won 't you join me ? ( Remember to come back tomorrow for my contest ! ) I had to get back to work to recover from my very busy ( but very good ) weekend ! First , on Saturday , Jay graduated with a degree in Political Science from the University of Southern Maine . The graduation ceremony was held at the Cumberland County Civic Center and was really quite nice . No lengthy , boring speeches ; the keynote speaker was especially interesting . Clover was awesome throughout the 3 1 / 2 hour ceremony , only fussing the tiniest bit once when she needed a very wet diaper changed . She fell asleep a couple of times and the rest of the time , we all took turns holding her ( Samm , Jay 's parents , Chris and I ) . She was able to see Daddy wave at her as he marched up for his diploma , Sunday was spent celebrating both Mothers ' Day and Jay 's graduation . First thing in the morning , Samm brought me some great gifts : ( Well , actually I received the digital keyring frame a couple days before but didn 't figure it out until yesterday ) . Samm and I had recently had a conversation about how certain scents invoke good memories and how she loves the way her Auntie Sherri ( my sister ) smells . She thought that I should have a special scent that Clover could associate with me and this is what she chose . It 's a very nice , clean , and subtle scent . The digital keychain frame is really cool ; it holds something like 70 pictures ( I 've only loaded a few so far . ) I love the key chain with the " # 1 Mom " tag ; she said she almost bought me one that said " Hottie " . She 's got the same weird sense of humor that I have . I then proceeded to give her a card from her father and I , only to have her ask a few minutes later if I had even read the card . I mistakenly gave her the card for my mother ; she wondered why we signed it " Julie and Chris " . Ooops . Yesterday afternoon we enjoyed a cookout at Jay 's mom 's house to celebrate his graduation . It was a beautiful day , maybe a bit breezy but lots of sunshine . It was a very nice way to spend an afternoon . Once we left the cookout , hubby and I dropped by my mother 's house to give her the gift I made for her . I made her model it , since I hadn 't taken any finished photos of it yet . Looks good on her , don 't you think ? She had commented after reading this post , that she 'd like to start crocheting again and would like to make the same shawl in a neutral color . ( She crocheted for a while several years back , but then her hands and neck bothered her too much , so she stopped . ) I thought it 'd be nicer if I made one for her . She liked it enough that she wore it to my brother 's house for dinner last night . Last night I watched Clover while her Mommy and Daddy went to the movies . As soon as they got home , I crashed . After reading this , I think you can probably Remember the sweater my friend Mary made for her great - nephew ? Well , to everyone 's surprise , she actually got it packaged up and mailed before he graduated from high school ( just teasing ya , Mary ) . Check out how handsome the little guy looks in it . More kids in knits : my great - niece , Ella , and great - nephew , Colin , in the sweaters I made them for Christmas . Aren 't they just the cutest kids ? I 'm so happy that the sweaters fit them so well and yet there is enough room in them that they should still be able to wear them for at least the beginning of next winter . The wrap I 'm knitting as a booth sample for Lark is almost finished . Just a couple inches left , a picot edge on each end , a trip to the blocking board , and I 'm done . No progress picture yet , it looks just like the last picture only longer . I 've really got mixed feelings about finishing this . On the one hand , I can 't wait to see how it looks after it 's blocked . On the other hand , I 'm going to be really sad to package it up and mail it off . But , I 'm really happy with my work on this project and I hope Lark will be happy that she chose me to knit it for her . I have enough of the Luminesence yarn in the color Redwood to knit one for myself , and that 's exactly what I plan to do . I 'm thinking I 'll wait until either late summer or early fall , though . Can 't knit the same pattern two times in a row . It 's a rule . I wouldn 't want to become known as a rule breaker ; - ) Last night was Chicks with Sticks night , which requires a mindless project ( at least for me ) . I brought the crochet shawl I showed you yesterday and managed to add a couple of inches to it . Weight Watcher 's is still going well , for both myself and Samm . I 'm down 20 . 8 pounds ! I 'm kind of surprised at how fast the weight is coming off this time around . I 'm not complaining though . Speaking of weight , when is it ever appropriate for a coworker to tell you that you were " not at your sexiest when you were at your thinnest " and then go on to say " you kind of started to look like a boy " ? Yep , you read that right , and yes , it was a male coworker . How do you respond to that ? Please send lots of good thoughts hubby 's way tomorrow . He has an interview for a dispatcher 's position at a nearby police station . This is just the second step in the hiring process ; he had to take a test about a month ago , and if he does well in the interview tomorrow , there will still be a background check and a lie detector test . It 's quite a lengthy process . But definitely not my last ! This is a crochet shawl , which took me one week to complete . An easy , yet beautiful pattern . I used about 460 yards of Jojoland Melody yarn ( yarn I received in a trade with Tempe ) . The pattern is " My Blue Jeans Shawl " . Enough talk , how about some pictures ? So , what 's next you ask ? Well , I just happened to receive a package I was expecting from Lark in yesterday 's mail . I 'm going to knit a sample for her of Cheryl 's Diamond Illusions Wrap . I 'm so psyched to get started on this ; it 's gorgeous and the yarn from Lark is , of course , scrumptious . I 'm hoping to do a gauge swatch in the morning ; I think this is just the motivation I need to drag my ass out of bed early like I used to , and knit before work . There is no better way to start the day and I have been sorely missing that time . Sheesh ! I complained in my last post that the weekends are too short and the weekdays are so long and what happens ? All of a sudden an entire week has passed and I have no idea where it went . So , what have I done since we last " talked " ? I haven 't spent much time on the computer which explains why Bloglines says I have over 200 posts to read . I also haven 't done any spinning ( still ) , but that 's going to change beginning this week . Brenda and I are taking a spinning class with Amy in a few weeks and I need to have a couple of bobbins of singles spun before the class . Sometimes , I just need a deadline to force me to make the time to do the things I mean to . Okay , so that 's what I HAVEN ' T done since we last talked ; here 's what I have done : Are you sensing a theme here ? It 's been all about the hats here in Noolieville . Since the beginning of the year ( all 14 days ) , I 've completed 8 projects ( 9 if you count the slippers that are just waiting to be felted ) and 7 of those projects are hats ! Just to break things up a bit ( and because I wanted to make Clover 's Nana , Jay 's Mom , a birthday present ) I crocheted a scarf this weekend . I started it Saturday night and finished it this morning . It would have been finished yesterday if I didn 't have to fight with a skein of yarn that decided to get all tangled up - it took me a couple of hours to untangle it ! I 'm kind of proud of myself for sticking with that ; normally I would have thrown it in a bag and grabbed another skein ; I have plenty more of the same yarn . Anyway , here 's the scarf : and a close up : " Birthday Scarf " Yarn : Berrocco Softwist Bulky ( I can 't believe they call this stuff " bulky " ) Color : True TealHook : Size JPattern : My own , based on the afghans my Nana used to make . I love the way this came out - the color is gorgeous , the yarn is soft , and I really like the texture the pattern gives it . I hope she likes it . I will be writing up the pattern eventually in case anyone would like it . It is crocheted on the diagonal and would look great with some self patterning yarn . I made a yarn trade with Tempe last week , I sent her some Noro Kureyon and some TOFUtsies sock yarn and she sent me FIVE balls of Jojoland " Melody " in a lovely variegated green and purple mix . ( I shamelessly swiped this picture from Tempe 's blog ) . I think I definitely got the best part of this deal ! I have been wanting to knit the Forest Canopy Shawl for a while and think this will be the perfect yarn . I cannot wait to start it . But first I have two projects to complete ; can you guess what they are ? Yep , hats ! I promised Jay I 'd make him the Seaman 's Cap and I 've joined the " Do the Amanda " knit along . Check it out ; it 's a beautiful hat pattern designed by Gina using Malabrigo yarn . I 'm planning to make this hat for myself ! Change of subject - weather : we are getting blasted with a shitload of snow here today . I 'm pretty tired of it , but I guess I should get used to it because I hear we 're getting another big storm on Friday . I sure hope we have an early spring and a long summer after this nasty winter ! I started this pair of socks for myself , but I didn 't do a gauge swatch ( never do for socks ) and they are working up to be too big for me , but they 'll be just right for the hubby . I figure it 's about time I make him another pair of socks anyway , so these are for him . There are a few other things on the needles , but I 'm not actively working on them ; not sure yet whether I want to finish them or not . I 've got a very small amount of the green merino to finish spinning ; I 'm hoping to get that done this week . Next up : Christmas stocking for Clover using the yarn that Heather was nice enough to dye up for me in the colorway she named for her , " Sweet Clover " , ( check out all the new yarns she 's put up in her etsy shop this week ! ) , socks for my brother - in - law for Christmas , and then , finally , a sweater for me . I would like to make a new sweater for myself soon ; it 's been a while . I 'm not sure which one I 'll make yet . I 've got a lot of ideas bouncing around in my head . I know I haven 't been around here much this past week ; hope you didn 't miss me too much ; - ) I 've been fighting a migraine since last Saturday ; not yesterday , last Saturday ! I pretty much lost the battle by Thursday and spent the day taking the heavy duty meds and feeling lousy all day . I had either excruciating head pain or extreme nausea from the pain meds . Fun . Friday , I woke up and didn 't feel like I was doing a whole lot better , but had to go to work or my coworker would have been alone in the office all day . I did go home after he got back from lunch . It 's now Sunday night and I can still feel the pain in my head . It 's not nearly as bad as it was Thursday and Friday , but it 's still there . With all this , it 's been a bit difficult to keep up with the blog reading and the e - mails and with keeping this little blog up to date . Through it all , there has still been some knitting , crocheting , and spinning going on around here . The only day I wasn 't able to do anything was Thursday ; every other day I managed to get something done . The mailman has also been busy delivering more packages for me . Crocheting : The secret project is done ( except for blocking ) with almost a week to spare . YAY ! I enjoyed this project , but I really was ready to be done with it . Pictures next week . Pattern : Baby Sleeve to Sleeve Cardigan Yarn : Trekking XXL , color 126Needles : Size 2 addisCindy inspects and approves . Itty Bitty Doggie Sweater . I made this sweater for Samm & Jay 's friend 's itty bitty puppy , Chezza . Samm says she 's a " Juggy " , part Jack Russell and part Pug . I really wasn 't sure this was going to fit ( it 's really itty bitty ) , but Jay got a picture of Chezza wearing it and it fits her perfectly . The picture he took was on his cell phone ; he 's going to try and get a better one for me to post here . I cast on for a pair of socks tonight ; I 'm feeling the need for a sock fix . I 'm using the Sockina Cotton yarn that Patti gave me . I 've only got a few rows done , so no pics yet . The BEST Secret Pal ever strikes again ! Look at these goodies , will ya ? Grapefruit & Orange Bath stuff ( soap , lotion , shower gel ) smells incredible ! A black kitty box filled with yummy caramel candies . The greatest book with a most appropriate title ; Samm and I had great fun looking through this book . My queue has suddenly just about doubled in size ! Here 's one example of something from the book that will be knit very soon : it 's a Christmas tree hat ; isn 't it great ? What a funny picture ; makes me laugh every time I look at it ! Some closeups of the items in the front row : Can it really be Thursday already ? The last several days have just flown by ! I 've meant to post ; really , I have , but there just aren 't enough hours in the day . I 'm also incredibly behind on my blog reading and e - mails . I thought that with two weeks off work I 'd be able to keep up with things . Wrong ! So , what have I been doing with all my free time ? Well , the weather has been absolutely perfect for several days now so I 'm sure you can all guess where I 've spent a good amount of my time . Yep , the pool . It 's been great , very relaxing . I 've spent a couple of hours each afternoon just floating and reading a very good book . I 've also completed some projects and started some new ones . I crocheted a couple of granny squares for Colleen ; she 's putting blankets together for her local children 's hospital . I started a new sweater for Clover on Tuesday ; I was just feeling a very strong need to make her a sweater NOW . So while at Chicks with Sticks , I picked up some yarn in a really pretty mint green color with flecks of pink to make the Baby Kimono from Mason Dixon Knitting . I took a picture of my progress so far , but it is a really crappy picture so I don 't think I 'll post it here . This is such a quick knit , I should be able to show you the finished picture real soon ( unless I 've just jinxed myself by saying that ! ) Speaking of Chicks with Sticks , Mel and The Sheep were unable to attend and both were really missed : - ( We did have a special , first time visitor this week , though . Mel 's partner , David , again . Yesterday , I finally finished the test knit I 've been working on ; it 's currently drying on the blocking board . It 'll be a These are my August socks for SAM4 ; finished just in time . The first sock only took 2 days of classroom knitting to complete ; the second sock took almost a month ! That brings us to today . I got a new hairdo this morning ( no pictures until after the cold sore from hell is gone ) . Spent a couple of hours in the pool this afternoon and then spent some time with Alice on the deck . After my lesson with Cheryl and Manise on Saturday , I put Alice away until the test knit was complete . Now that I 've finished that , I can spend some time getting to know her better . I sat on the deck spinning for about 1 1 / 2 hours ; I must have looked pretty funny sitting there in my bathing suit spinning away . Good thing I have a nice private back yard . Here 's what I accomplished : The fiber is some BFL I got from Amy in a " Learn to Spin " spindle kit that I bought back in the fall . This is about one ounce ; there 's a total of 4 to spin . I think I 'm doing pretty well , although there are some overspun and underspun bits . I think I 'm getting the hang of it though . That brings us up to date ; I 'm hoping to spend some time tomorrow and over the weekend catching up on some blog reading and e - mails . I 'll try to be better about posting , too . No promises though : - ) Aug 30 , 2007 7 : 42 : 22 PM This is my brother , Tony and his new wife , Karlene . Don 't they look happy ? They were married Saturday , 07 / 07 / 07 . My nephew , " little " Tony and my neice , Heather This is where they were married . I was a wimp and skipped out on the ceremony ( and 2 hour sail ) on the boat and just went to the reception . I was afraid I 'd get sea sick or make myself sick worrying that I 'd get sea sick . The reception was held here ; drinks and hors d ' oeuvres overlooking the harbor . It was a very nice time . Although you wouldn 't know it from my last few posts , I have been knitting , crocheting , and spinning ( not enough spinning for any pictures though ) . I 've knitted quite a bit on the lace portion of the Simple Knitted Bodice . What 's that ? You don 't think it looks like much knitting ? There was quite a bit more knitting done than shown in the pics ; it 's pretty hard to show the rows that had to be tinked ! There were several of them . At least as many as you see completed in the picture . It 's stupid really ; it 's an incredibly easy 4 row repeat ( and 2 of those rows are all knit ) . Apparently , I just can 't keep my mind focused for 189 stitches in a row . Oh well , only about 2 or 3 more repeats to go ; shouldn 't take more than a month or two ; - ) . I crocheted 3 Fish Baby Washcloths last night when I got home from Chicks with Sticks ( well , I finished the 3rd this morning ) . I first saw these done on Vickie 's project page on Ravelry and marked them as a favorite . I was so happy when she asked me if I 'd test her pattern . How could I resist ? Not only am I going to be a Nonni ( grammy ) in December , but Samm wants to do the baby 's room in an ocean and fish theme ! I can see some of these as decorations and stuffed toys . I made the top one using a size H hook and some Peaches and Cream cotton ; the middle one is in Bernat Cottontots using a size J hook , and the bottom is done in Cotton Fleece with a size I hook . I love them all . This is a fantastic quick and easy pattern ; Vickie did a great job ! She 'll be posting the pattern soon . A " Spare Square " for Colleen 's blanket drive . One strand each : Plassard Layette , color 209 and Lion MicroSpun in white . It 's very soft . A sqaure for the Rebuilding Greensburg project . Another 8inch diagonal knit square , this one in garter stitch Since we 're on the topics of washcloths and squares , this would be a good time to direct your attention to Rabbitch 's latest do - gooder project . She is collecting washcloths for the Women 's Information Safe House ; read about it here . I 'll be making a few ; how about you ? AND NOW FOR THE BIG NEWS : Meet Clover ! Jul 11 , 2007 8 : 34 : 27 PM I 've been trying to finish up some of my MANY WIP 's over the last couple of days . I have so many things on the needles that I was beginning to feel like I 'd never finish anything . On Monday night , I finished the crochet bag that I 've been designing ; it just needed a decent handle . I looked online and saw that Joann Fabric had just what I wanted so I went there on my lunch hour on Tuesday . All they had in the store were butt - ugly ones ; I was desperate to get this up in the shop ( I 'm doing a class on it in a couple weeks ) so I bought it . I put it on during Chicks with Sticks that night and hated it ( big surprise ) . So , yesterday during my lunch hour , I ran over to WalMart and bought a cheap purse that had the perfect handle . Cut the handle off and put it on my bag and I love it . Yarn : Fantasy Naturalle mercerized cotton , color # 8011 ( the pictures aren 't very good ; it 's a really pretty celery green ) Pattern : My ownI 'm very happy with the way this came out and I can 't wait for the class to be done so that I can take the bag back and use it . Remember the Monkey I started for Luke 's soon to be born baby ? Well , this is what it looks like now : What ? Doesn 't look like a monkey to you ? I wasn 't feeling the love for the monkey so I made this little guy . The yarn for the monkey wasn 't working up into a nice soft blankie so I was going to use the Berocco Plush cream color just for the blanket part and attach that to the monkey head ; but again , I wasn 't feeling the love . I 've always loved the littled Plush Bear on Berocco 's website , so I decided to make that head . I 'm glad I did ; this is incredibly soft ! I wan 't one for me : - ) I didn 't finish this any too soon either ; Luke 's wife , Julie , has been having contractions for several days and finally went to see the doctor yesterday ( she 's due on the 18th ) . They decided to induce her yesterday afternoon , so this bear is done just in time . Who knows ; I may have finished the blankie right as Julie was finishing giving birth . I did tell Luke that she couldn 't have the baby until I finished what I was working on . I 've also almost completed another pair of Magic 28 socks ; I just have to do the foot and toe and I 'll be done with pair # 4 . I 'll finish that tonight and can mark off another WIP . I 've been making the Magic 28 socks while teaching a sock class ( a class of one ) . The class was finished last night ; here 's Jamie 's first ever sock : Didn 't she do a great job ? ! She wouldn 't let me take a picture of her , just her foot . She used Encore yarn and size 5 dpn 's . I think it 's easiest to learn the mechanics of making socks using worsted weight yarn rather than fingering weight . That way you only have to get used to the multiple needles and can concentrate on the process rather than fight with what feels like dental floss and toothpicks . I was going to give you a list of my remaining WIP 's , but I don 't have any more time ; I have to go get ready for work . Maybe tomorrow ; then again , may | I received an e - mail at work from hubby this afternoon that read " Water is going in the pool starting now . " WooHoo ! ! ! ! Unfortunately , I don 't think it 's going to be much of a pool kind of weekend . Maybe I can squeeze in a little time on the floating lounge chair on Sunday afternoon if the temps reach the higher end of what 's being predicted . Keep your fingers crossed for me ; you know how much I love my pool and the sun ! Check this out : I 'm winning the battle ! I know it doesn 't really look like much , but I really am getting more comfortable with the spindle spinning and am actually starting to produce something that resembles yarn . It 's getting a little more consistent , too ; no more huge chunky sections followed by lace weight . It 's starting to look more like a heavy worsted weight . This is a real accomplishment for me . Thanks for the " park and draft " tip , Amy ; it 's making all the difference . I 'll keep working on this a bit each most nights and before long , I may even spin some useable yarn . My crochet bag is coming right along . I have about 2 / 3rds of the body done and then it 's on to the straps . I toyed with different ideas for the center section to give it some texture , finally deciding on a section of half double crochets and bobbles . I think it works ; what do you think ? I packaged up the Dulaan knits and sent them on their way yesterday . Thought I 'd take a little break from the charity knitting once that was in the mail but remembered that I am teaching a sock class tonight . I need a sock that 's at the start of the heel flap so I can demonstrate how to do the heel . You tell me ; what 's quicker than a little Magic 28 to accomplish that ? Here 's the cuff of sock # 1 of pair # 4 ready to to start the heel . For this pair , I 'm using some leftover yarn from a sweater I made last year . I love the subtle changes in color and the yarn is very soft . I decided to shake things up a bit and knit a ribbed cuff . I get too bored doing plain ole rib , so I did a 3 row repeat of K2 , P2 for 2 rows , then knit a row . I know there 's a name for the pattern , but don 't ask me what it is . I don 't even want to think about how many WIP 's this makes ; seems I 've been starting an awful lot of projects lately and have precious few FO 's to show for it . Oh well , such is the life of a knitting addict : - ) Jun 7 , 2007 4 : 19 : 20 PM Wow , I 've certainly been neglecting the blog this past week . It 's not that I 've not been doing anything . I have a lot to share with you ; too much for one post , so I 'll spread it out over the week . This is not the best picture , but it does show the color accurately . You may have noticed that the color of this sweater seemed to change each time I posted progress pictures . Who knew that dark green could be so difficult to capture with the camera . Pattern : Yankee Knitter 's Fisherlad Guernsey ( child 's size 6 ) Needles : Addi Turbo sizes 6 and 8 Yarn : Plymouth Encore , Color # 1234 I thought I had finished the knitting at Chicks with Sticks last Tuesday night and did the seaming when I returned home . Wednesday morning I looked a little closer and realized that the last cuff I knitted was much bigger than the other ( it fit loosely on my wrist ; way too big for a 3 1 / 2 year old ! ) . I not only forgot to switch to the smaller needle size , but I also forgot to decrease 8 stitches before beginning the ribbing ! I ended up taking the seam out up to a couple rows above the cuff and reknitting it . Oh well , at least I finished it in time to count it for my May project : ) I finished the first sock of my first pair of toe - up socks . I decided to go with the heel called for in the directions for the Sherman Sock given to me by Mel . I have to admit , I didn 't think I 'd like that heel , but I really do . Now , to start the second sock . Next up : Pattern : Magic 28 by Norma Yarn : Cascade 220 , lost the band ages ago , but suffice it to say the green is MUCH BRIGHTER than the picture depicts ( believe it or not ) . I could have used some sunglasses while knitting these . Needles : Brittney Birch size 5 dpn 's This is pair # 3 ; 25 to go . This pair of socks ends my Dulaan knitting for this year 's shipment ; I 'll be packing up the knits and shipping them off sometime this week . There has been a bit of progress on the " Monkey Blankie " but it 's nothing to look at yet . I really don 't know why I haven 't finished it ; it 's a teeny tiny mini - blankie , but I just can 't seem to stay interested in it . I better get going on it though ; my co - worker 's baby is due very soon ! I started a crochet summer bag yesterday . I 'm designing the pattern as I go . I 'm using Plymouth ' Have a great day . This is kind of part 2 to the last post . If ever you are in or around York on a Tuesday night , you absolutely must come to the Yarn Sellar at 7pm to knit with the Chicks with Sticks . You don 't even have to be a Chick , men are welcome ; as a matter of fact , I 've been wanting a guy to start knitting with us just so we can change the name of the group to " Chicks and Dicks with Sticks " ; - ) This is a great group of fun people to knit and chat and laugh with . We give each other encouragement , help , suggestions , ideas , and most of all , friendship . Here 's a picture of just some of the Chicks : From left to right : Debbie , Carol , Melissa , Lisa , and Patsy . This picture was taken before everyone got there . By 8 : 00 , that table was FULL ! Unfortunately , I 'm a bad blogger and didn 't get a picture then . Every Tuesday night is a good time , but this past Tuesday was especially nice . We had a couple of visitors : Melissa and her baby , Rusty . This isn 't the best shot , but I was trying really hard to get a picture of Rusty . He 's a bit camera shy . Every time he spotted the camera in my hands , he 'd turn around . I followed that little guy all night trying to get a decent photo of him . I swear , for every one of those pictures he was looking right at me until I went to click the picture ! When I finally did catch him he went and turned on his devil eyes ! He really doesn 't have evil red eyes . He 's such a cutie and he was really well behaved . We were pleasantly surprised with the return of one of our Chicks who winters in Florida . You could have at least brought some of that warm Florida weather back for us , Carol ! Lisa brought in the shawl she finished , but she refused to model it for me ( brat ) . Here 's Patti and Debbie holding it up in all it 's glory : and a close up Isn 't it pretty ? And soft ! She used Cabana by JCA / Reynolds in some of the loveliest colors . She made this up as she went along . Wonderful , wonderful job , Lisa ! Patti has been taking each of the crochet classes I 've taught and here she models the Tulip Hat and Scarf she made . She did a fantastic job even with a less than perfect pattern . And I learned why it 's important to have someone test any patterns I design ! ( I 've made corrections to the patterns if you 're interested . ) I can 't remember the last time I had both Saturday and Sunday off without being out of town . As you know , I work Sunday mornings at the gym ; anytime I 've taken a Sunday off , it 's been because I was going away for the weekend . It feels very strange ( a good kind of strange ) to have 2 days off without any plans . I could easily get used to it . So , what have I done with my 2 days ? Not a whole heck of a lot : ) After the Sock Madness stress , I really just wanted to do some mindless , relaxing knitting . My opponent finished her socks before I left work on Friday and knowing I was officially out of the race was kind of a relief . I haven 't touched the Round 3 sock all weekend . I like the pattern and I like the yarn ; I do not really like the yarn with the pattern . I think I 'm going to take it out and use a lighter colorway for the pattern . I didn 't feel like starting the second Lorna 's Laces sock either . So , what 'd I do ? I 'll show you in a minute ; first , look what I received in the mail on Friday from Colleen : A square for Betty 's blanket . Isn 't it beautiful with the Hugs and Kisses cables ? The color is actually more yellow than the gold the picture shows . It 's so soft too , made from Cascade 220 Superwash . Thank you , Colleen ! After receiving her square , I decided that Betty 's square would be the first thing I did for the weekend . I looked through my 365 Knitting Stitches A Year calendar and decided on the Diagonal Garter Ribs stitch . On left : Dulaan Avalanche Hat made with some more of the yarn sent to me by Ryan . The pattern calls for size 13 needles , but I used size 11 and it came out plenty big enough . This is one warm hat ! Very quick and easy pattern , too . On Right : Another hat made with 3 different strands of dk on size 11 needles over 56 stitches . Again , a very quick knit . That was it for Friday and Saturday knitting . just the garter stitch bottom of the back . I had to put it down and get some stuff done around the house ; much as I 'd like to , I can 't knit ALL the time . I 'll work on it some more tonight . I 've made this pattern a couple of times before and really love it . It 's Minnowknits pattern , Garter Cardi # 168QK . I 'm using Lamb 's Pride worsted weight in a deep pink ( I know , it doesn 't look pink at all in this picture ; it 's the best I could do ) . This is going to be a Christmas present for one of my great - neices . Now , I 'm going to go take a nap before hubby gets home from work . I hope everyone had a great weekend ! Apr 8 , 2007 3 : 29 : 23 PM Some of mine and one of a friend 's . First , Lisa 's new sweater . This is especially awesome because she just made her first sweater back in November ! She 's made three ( I think ) since then . What a knitting machine she is ! This sweater is one of the Knitting Pure and Simple top down sweaters that she modified . Yes , she is already modifying patterns to suit her needs . She didn 't want the plain roll bottom , neck , and sleeves , so she looked through this book and chose a pattern she liked and worked the bottom and the sleeve ends in it . Here 's a close up : Isn 't it pretty ? Then she finished off the neck by just picking up stitches and turning around and binding off . Great job , Lisa ! You 've come so far in such a short time . My FO 's pale in comparison , but I 'll show you anyway . This first is the baby sweater I started Saturday night . This sweater was so fast , it 's amazing ( of course , it is the 0 - 3month size ) . I worked on it Saturday night , Sunday Morning , and then for another hour on Monday morning before work ! Samm didn 't want me to put buttons on it because she worried about buttons with a baby , so I crocheted a couple little circles and sewed them on and sewed some snaps to the inside . There is a bit of a jog where the blue stripe begins on the bottom , but it really isn 't as obvious in person ( in sweater ? ) as it looks in this picture . Details : Pattern : Amy 's Little Sister Sweater Yarn : Plymouth Encore Needles : Addi turbo size 8 I have another baby - to - be who needs a sweater and I think I 'll use this same pattern . Such an easy , quick knit ! Colleen is collecting Spare Squares to make blankets for her local Children 's Hospital , so I figured I could spare a few squares . She 'll be collecting them all year ; can you spare a square ? She 's even having monthly drawings for prizes . Check it out ; it 's a great way to use up some scraps . I 'm hoping to send at least two a month . Here are my first two squares : Yes , those are crocheted squares ; and yes , they are square . They don 't look perfectly square yet because I haven 't blocked them . That 's happening tonight and they are going in the mail Saturday . The one on the left is crocheted diagonal shell stitches and the one on the right is a plain old boring granny square . I used a size G hook and left over yarn from the baby sweater on both squares . Feast your eyes on this beautiful new yarn I picked up last night at " Chicks with Sticks " . The color is pretty accurate . I forgot to take a picutre of it before I wound it into this ball . It 's Malabrigo ( don 't have the tag right here so can 't give you the colorway ) . Those of you who have used Malabrigo know how incredibly soft it is . I wanted to purchase this yarn to make Betty a new hat because she had to begin more chemo this week . She loves wild colors and I thought she 'd really like this colorway . As you know if you 've been reading here for a while , Betty is a teacher 's aide at the middle school in Town . She not only had my daughter in her class years ago , but she had Patti 's ( LYS owner ) son a couple years ago , as well . Patti donated the yarn for the hat ; wasn 't that sweet ? She said that Betty helped her son and she wanted to do something for her too . So , this hat will be from the two of us - I think that will really please Betty . Speaking of Betty , please keep the good thoughts coming . She 's having a tough time right now and needs all the good thoughts and prayers she can get . Mar 21 , 2007 1 : 52 : 26 PM
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I was born July 25 1940 and my name is Samuel David Grey . I enjoyed learning new languages and could speak and understand seven by the time I graduated from high school . My father had been a veteran of World War II and came to believe a man should be able to defend himself . Because he did , I was taught kung fu and judo from an early age . By the time I entered the Army I was a master in both arts . I also practiced the Japanese art of Kendo . Like most boys of that age , I was taught how to use a rifle and enjoyed hunting with my father . I was what he called a natural with a rifle and rarely ever missed . When I was twenty , I decided to join the Army . I had dreams of serving my country and this was how I was going to do it . From the start I was singled out , first for Airborne training and then a sergeant major talked me into joining the Special Forces . I was a know nothing private and worked hard to keep the sergeants happy . When I got orders for Vietnam I didn 't even know where it was . We were supposed to be advisors to the South Vietnamese soldiers but were not allowed to return fire , even if we were fired at . On my first patrol we were skirting a small open area when automatic fire raked the patrol . Sgt Jones was in front of me and as I dove for the ground I saw his body jerk several times . By the time I reached him , he was dead . That was the beginning of the war for me and during my first year I went from a private to a Sergeant First Class . I was only supposed to be there for a year , but I was asked to stay with a new group that was just forming . It was another three months before anything happened and when it did , it wasn 't pleasant . The Colonel smiled as he looked at me , " Yes Sam . Harry and I have been talking and I made a couple of calls to the General . We want you to accept a battle field commission . " Six tours of combat later , the war was over . I was a Major and while many officers were asked to leave the services , I was asked to become a courier for the State Department . Courier was their way of saying black ops . When I retired after twenty years , it was as a full colonel . I had met a woman and fallen in love . She taught electrical engineering in a southern California university . For the next twenty five years we lived and loved each other although we never had any children . I spent my time attending any classes that drew my attention . Ellie had insisted I have a night to myself so she arraigned a poker night with several of the more prominent professors . Ellie died five years ago and I was lost . I stayed in our house and lived day to day . When I was diagnosed with cancer and given only six months to live , I was almost relieved . There I was seventy years old and dying of cancer . My friends didn 't feel that way though and talked me into cancer therapy . I was three months into the therapy and sick and tired , mostly sick . I was in the hospital for a few days and the constant attention of the nurses was driving me crazy . When Jasper came in I was ready to start planning an escape . He was twenty years younger then I . Jasper was a professor of bio engineering and was working to create something he called nanites . Every Monday at our poker games we talked about what we were working on and got fresh ideas from each other . Jasper worked to create the self replicating nanites . Henry was trying to create something to do with time . George was working on a new means of energy . Jasper looked worried as he sat down beside me , " Hey Sam , chased any nurses lately ? " He knew what I had been before I retired . I looked at the way he was sitting and tried to sit up more , he moved closer and helped me . I leaned back and sighed , " Tell me . " I kept looking at him and he finally looked up , " I thought my nanites would be used to help people . All these people want is a way to make money … Well , that and to use my nanites to make some type of super soldier . " We talked some more and then he left . It was close to midnight when I felt someone come into the room . I thought it was just another nurse . I already had an IV in my arm and felt a cool rush before feeling suddenly lethargic . I opened my eyes to see Jasper hooking up two huge IVs . When he finished , he put his hand on my shoulder , " I 'm sorry Sam . They didn 't see things your way . They 're shutting me down and taking everything . I destroyed my notes but they said they could reverse engineer my prototypes , so … so I 'm putting them in you . Keep them safe and watch your back . " I watched as he sat down and stared at the two IVs . It took almost a half hour and then Jasper unhooked the IVs and looked at me before walking out . I woke to a shattering explosion that rattled the window . It was still early morning and I hit the call button . I felt strangely alive and watched as a young nurse came in , " What was that explosion ? " I pushed her away and sat up . I pulled all the leads off and slid out of bed . I was a little surprised at the loss of pain I usually felt . I turned toward the closet as the nurse left to find someone to help stop me . I pulled that damn hospital gown over my head and reached into the closet for my pants . The doctor wanted to check me but I only ignored him as I left . I had already arranged for the hospital to be paid by my insurance so I only stopped at the administration desk to check out . The taxi dropped me at my house just off campus . I looked down the street at the crowd of fire engines and cops . They were all in front of what looked like Jasper 's house . I hesitated and then walked down the street . George and his wife were standing on the sidewalk as I came up . He looked at me and Shelly gasped , " Sam ! You 're supposed to be in the hospital ! " I looked at the house and knew better . I had seen many high explosives used and thought it might have been a shaped charge , ( a big one ) . I turned away and walked slowly back towards my house . Almost as soon as I closed the door I knew someone was in the house . I stood still and waited . Beside the front door was an old telephone stand . I quietly opened it and took out the 45 I kept there . I had made it and the only thing different about it was the fact that it used caseless ammo . I held it behind my leg and a minute later a young guy in a suit stepped out of my kitchen , " Nice and quiet old man . " I shook my head , " You 're an idiot . Jasper came to me in the hospital yesterday and told me what you wanted . I told him to destroy everything . Since he had it in his head you fucked up . " He hesitated and I carefully moved sideways . When I was clear of the door I waved the gun , " leave . If I ever see you again , you 're dead . " I had been around spooks enough to know what would happen next . All I could think of was slipping away , maybe a nice camping trip in the mountains . I kept the pistol with me and walked into the back of the house . In my bedroom I went to the corner facing the walk in closet . I hesitated , I hadn 't touched my go bag in a year . I pushed on what looked like two tiny nail heads and the panel popped open . I opened it the rest of the way and looked at the two black bags . I pulled them out and started undressing . It was a good thing I had never put on weight as I got older . I pulled out the first vacuum sealed package and opened it . I quickly dressed in the soft but durable black pants and shirt , next was the soft wool socks and black boots . I started sliding weapons into different places , most were knives or throwing darts . I pulled the combat vest and rig out of the bag and put it in the other bag . After packing the vest and other combat gear into the one bag , I lifted the modified assault rifle out . It was like my pistol , I had machined it and it fired 7 . 62mm caseless . It was still in its soft case and I took a moment to load it . I closed the rifle case and fastened it to the outside of the black bag . I put the pistol in the small of my back and lifted the bag , " Time to go . " I went back to the front of the house and took a moment to look out my front window . I saw the surveillance right away and shook my head . Whoever these people were they were amateurs . I went into my garage , pulled a long dusty overcoat on and lifted the dark green pack full of dehydrated meals off the shelf . I swung it over one shoulder and gave the shelf a tug . I swung the shelf away from the wall and pushed on the wood panel behind it . I squeezed through and into my shed . I carefully opened the door and slipped out and across a brick path into the tall hedges along my fence . I stayed between the fence and the hedge all the way to the back . The hidden gate opened quietly and I slipped onto the golf course . I moved right and was almost to my hidden exit when I saw a shadow pass over me . I glanced up and cussed . They were using a remote to watch and probable follow me . I waited for it to make a turn and opened the hidden gate and squeezed through . I closed it behind me and knelt under a tall bush , dropping the bag and pack . I pulled the overcoat off and pulled my vest and combat harness out of the bag and put them on . I slid the pistol into the swat holster on my right leg . I hesitated and then closed the bag . I pulled the overcoat back on and shouldered the pack . I grabbed the bag in my left hand checked for the remote before moving . I was almost at the street when two men in suits stepped onto the narrow path in front of me . Both men reached into their jackets and I pulled my pistol . It was close range , not more than nine feet . I didn 't hesitate as I brought my pistol up and put one round in each man 's head before I started moving . I walked straight across the street and down a narrow walk that let out onto the grass of the campus . They knew this old man had teeth now . I walked quickly and came to a faculty parking lot . I crossed to a little used door into the engineering department . After the door closed behind me , I pause and pulled my cell out and dialed a number I had memorized but never used . I woman 's voice answered , " Situation room , code in . " I looked at the door as the knob turned but the door stayed closed , " Dr . Jasper Harris was terminated by persons unknown , they are currently hunting me . I think they believe I have his research notes . I have taken out two , be advised they are using an aerial remote . " There was a click and the line went dead . I started walking again , using the back hallways . It took me almost ten minutes to reach Henry 's labs . I peeked around the corner and saw several men lingering around his main doorway and moved back to think . The test lab had another door into it but was kept locked , not that it would really stop me . I moved back the way I come and stopped at a metal door with a sign that said the door was blocked . I reached into the bag and brought out the small black case that held my lock picks . It took almost thirty second to unlock and open the door . I had been in here several times and had known the door was clear . The room was almost empty with a black matte material covering the walls and silver lines forming small squares . I started crossing the room to knock on the other door when the silver started glowing . I glanced at the large clock on the wall and swore . Henry was running a test ! I couldn 't move as I started hearing a whining sound . It started getting louder and the black matte material started glowing while the silver lines started to get blurry . Suddenly I was falling and brought my feet together . It felt like I was falling in slow motion and seemed to take almost a full minute just to fall through the floor . Everything around me was pitch black as I continued to fall . It felt like ten minutes had passed before I landed . I rolled like the airborne instructors had taught me many years ago and came up into a kneeling position as I dropped my bag and pack . Like I had many times in the jungles of Vietnam , I could almost feel danger around me . I fumble with the bag in the dark and pulled out the rifle . Gradually the walls started glowing , I stayed where I was and continued to wait . I heard a grating sound and then a loud slithering noise . Soon it was light enough for me to see and I glanced around . It was like something out of a movie or a book , Tolken or one of the others . In front of me was a huge dragon . I looked into the large glowing eyes , " I 'm not a thief . " The dragon seemed to growl or grumble and the whole cave lit up . The floor of the cave was sandy with fine white sand that sparkled . I looked around at the sparkling walls with thick vanes of gold running through them , " Very nice dragon , I think it is missing something though . " I fished around in my pack for a metal camping cup . I walked towards the dark corner and the light seemed to follow me and light the way . There was a small pool that had a large trickle of water running down the far wall . The water was very cold and almost seemed sweet . When I came back to the dragon , it was curled up by my bag and pack , " Tell me human , how would you make bricks of gold ? " I smiled as I put the cup away and sat , " Well , you would have to make a mold . You start with clay and bake a shape of a brick and go from there . Ideally , you want to create a metal mold for something like gold bricks . Once you have the mold , you melt the gold and pour it into the mold . Let it cool , open it and take the brick out . " The dragon turned and walked out . I looked around and stood to walk towards the pile of glittering silver piled against the back wall . It was easily three times the size of the huge pile of gold . There were chests of silver coins and even silver bar scattered around . There was also other stuff , jewelry and shining weapons , chain mail and shields . There was so much stuff it was hard to grasp . I found a plain looking dagger on the edge and picked it up . Pulling it out of its sheath I saw the wavy lines of high quality steel . It reminded me of a Japanese sword I had seen once . I put it back in the sheath , tucked it through my belt and turned to walk around . I found a nice flat spot not to far from the pool of water that would be a good place to build a small forge . I didn 't find many loose rocks and had to go farther away to find them . I had just finished the back and sides and was looking for a larger , flatter rock for the top when the dragon returned . It was funny to watch it walk in with a clump of clay in one huge clawed hand . The dragon dropped the clay and looked at what I was doing . It walked to the wall closest and using one claw , started cutting large square bricks of solid rock . I walked closer and realized what it was doing and started carrying them back the flat spot , " I need one that is thinner for the top . " I pointed at the forge and the dragon looked at it for a second and then carefully took a deep breath . He breathed out in a long seemingly careful manner . The flame that came out of his mouth was different than any of the other times I had seen it . It was a steady stream of bluish green flame that seemed to wrap around the stone forge . The stones quickly started turning red . When the dragon stopped , it growled and grumbled . The forge stayed hot and I turned to the clay . It didn 't take long for me to form a brick . It was shaped like a paving stone I had once seen , only shallower , maybe an inch and a half thick . I put it in the forge and turned back to the clay . The dragon had moved away and gone into another room of the cave . I made a thick tray of solid clay , planning everything as I went . After a couple of hours , I pulled the clay brick out with the sleeve of my shirt and set it aside to cool . I was thinking about getting out something to eat when the dragon returned . Besides a plow and several other large pieces of metal , it carried a charred hunch of something I thought might be a deer . I used one of my knives to cut a large piece off when it dropped the meat in front of me . It was a little well done , but anyone that has spent time in a jungle … Let 's just say I ate . When I was done , I checked the brick and then started to make a tray like mold with the brick . It held a total of twenty bricks and it didn 't take me long to finish . It nodded and left , a few minutes later it was back carrying what looked like a small boulder . It lay down and seemed to ignore me while using one of its claws to carve . I walked to the pile of gold and looked at it for a moment before kneeling and opening a small carved chest . It looked really old and only held a bunch of gold coins , I dumped them out and sat down . I drew the dagger I had found and reached out to pick up what looked like a gold necklace . I noticed the dragon watching as I used the tip of the dagger to pry the large gems out of the soft gold and drop them into the box . When I was finished I tossed it aside and picked up another , I finally stopped and went to check the mold . I ended up pulling it out with a corner of my shirt . I left it to cool and stretched , " when it cools we need to find a way to melt the pot metal . " The dragon tilted its head and finally nodded . I went back to prying gems out of gold and lost track of time . I finally looked up and saw the dragon watching me . He looked kind of bemused and turned to look at the mold . I set everything aside and went to check it . It seemed cool enough and I put the pieces together . The dragon shifted and reached out to hold some of the metal in its hand . It leaned close and breathed slowly in its clawed hand and I watch a clear flame envelope the metal . The metal sagged and then just seemed to glow white before melting . The dragon tilted its hand and carefully poured the molten metal into one of the molds . It repeated the process a second time for the second mold and then sat back . I checked and carefully started tapping the mold , " What are you doing hu … Sam ? " The dragon nodded and looked at the mold as I finished . I moved to my stuff and got my cup . After getting water and eating more meat I lay back against my pack and closed my eyes , " Wake me in a few hours . " I sat up and realized I felt different , almost like I had when I was young . I took my cup to the pool of water and drank my fill before going to check the molds . It still felt hot so I left it alone , I looked around but the dragon was gone . I got one of my meals out and made something to eat before going back to the pile of gold to start removing gems again . It was a couple of hours before the dragon returned . It looked at me as it walked in carrying what looked like a canvas pack . It set the pack down by the forge , " There should be a thick iron pot in there . " The dragon sputtered and then roared , there were flames bursting out its mouth , shooting fifty feet to splash across the roof . I looked at the roof to see it change color and a few drops of gold fell . I shook my head as the dragon coughed and growled . Finally it looked at me , " You are a strange man , Sam . " I smiled and moved to check the molds . They were still warm but I broke them anyway . I dug into the pack the dragon had brought and found the iron pot . I spent a few minutes checking it before going to the pile of gold and filling it . I brought it back to the forge and pushed it in . I went to the discard pile and started looking around . I found a pair of studded leather gloves sticking out of a suit of armor and took them back to the forge . I checked the pot every few minutes and put the molds together . I picked up some more loose gold and dropped it in the pot , it took almost a full hour for the gold to melt . I brought a small pile of gold over by the forge and the dragon moved closer . He lay down and curled up a dozen feet away and watched me through lidded eyes . I finally pulled the pot out and carefully poured the gold into the mold . I filled the pot with gold again and put it back in the forge before taking a couple of minutes to tap the sides of the mold . I brought more gold back to the pile and went back to removing gems . When the mold had cooled enough , I opened it and spilled the bricks onto the sand . I left them and closed the mold back up . When the pot of gold in the forge was melted and I filled the mold again . The next time I dumped the gold bricks out and refilled the mold , I carried the cooler bricks to the area the dragon gestured to and I started leveling it . I placed the bricks like I had seen pavers do once . It took me over a week to finish . The dragon kept me fed and let me sleep when I needed it . We didn 't really talk a lot , even when I absently dumped my coins in the pot to be melted , somehow the dragon just felt like a friend . I did talk to the dragon and explained about games like poker and dominos . The dragon was intrigued with the idea of dominos . The bed of gold was huge , just over a hundred feet long and almost as wide . It was three bricks deep and the last night the dragon moved onto it carefully and lay down with a big sigh . It rested its head and looked at me with heavily lidded eyes , " Thank you Sam . " I smiled and for the first time since I had been here , I stripped and washed my body completely . I changed into a fresh set of clothes and replaced my weapons . I had checked the discards several times during the week and went to it . I had the canvas pack and emptied it before filling it with silver coins . The dragon had pointed out several other things in the pile , mostly gem encrusted weapons . I laughed and looked at my pack and the bag . The dragon shifted slightly , " Wait until morning . On the west side of the mountain is a large meadow . That 's where the knights and other idiots camp and leave their gear and horses . You should be able to catch them without to much trouble . " I relaxed and closed my eyes , the dragon had been amazed the first time I had laid down and just went to sleep . I had spent a couple of hours explaining to it , that the military had taught me to sleep whenever the chance offered . I woke to the sound of the dragon snoring and had to smile . I quietly gathered everything and grunted as it settled on my shoulders . I walked out and for the first time since I had got here , I saw the outside . I looked up into the dawn sky to see two moons , one on each horizon . I took a deep breath of fresh air and started looking for a way down . I could see the meadow the dragon had described and headed in that direction . It wasn 't that easy and I was forced to detour several times before I reached the bottom . The forest at the base of the mountain was mostly free of brush and I could see a lot of signs of old fires . I headed towards the meadow and the neighing of horses . As I came out into the meadow I saw a dozen horses moving back and forth between me and the dragon , which was several hundred feet away . I dropped my stuff and looked around to see several old tents and camp sites . There was a pile of rope and harness by the closest camp and I moved towards it . I had ridden on a horse only two times in my life and these looked huge . I sorted through the pile of rope and other equipment before pulling out a couple of ropes . One I tied to a couple of trees thirty feet apart at the very edge of the meadow . I grabbed a handful of grass and started towards the horses slowly . The horses seemed more then willing to come to me and I was able to catch the first one . I tied it to the other rope and went after the next horse , it took me a couple of hours to catch the rest of the horses and tie them up . I had noticed a large pile of silver and weapons by one of the tents and ignored it . When I was finally done , I walked out to the dragon . He grinned , " I thought about eating one of them but changed my mind . " I watched it turn and then leap into the air . Its huge wings kicked up a strong wind and the horses screamed . Luckily they didn 't break free and I went back to them . I used more long rope to let them graze and eat some of the long grass when they had calmed down . I started checking the camps and old tents . The tents were the kind with no floor and most were old with mold on them . I spent my time emptying packs and filling them with some of the discards , mostly silver . I found a lot of stuff I thought would be useful as trade items or weapons . Like a beautiful longbow and more arrows than I could use in a month . I sorted everything and made packs for each of the horses except one . After a careful search and some much needed attention , I had a saddle I thought I could use . Of course I had to do a little tinkering to make it what I remember a western saddle should be . I had never liked the thought of making a horse wear a bit and instead I found what I remembered as a hackamore . I made camp and cooked a meal before deciding on a tent to take . I used another for a floor and set about making it happen . When I was done I folded it up and packed it away . My bag and pack joined the tent in the pack for the last horse . As it started getting dark I laid back and stared up at the bright sky over me . I didn 't know if this was some dream from striking my head or the effects of Henry 's test . I also thought about the way I felt . I felt strong and seemed to have as much energy as I did when I was much younger , like when I was twenty . The only thing I could think of was the two IV 's Jasper had put into me in the hospital . He had said they were his proto types and I had no idea of their life span or what they were doing to my body , I finally relaxed and fell asleep . I woke as the sky began to lighten and ate quickly . Getting the packs on the horses and secured proved harder than I thought it would . I was tempted to just lead the horses but knew I would have to relearn to ride sooner or later . I made a last look around and finally climbed clumsily into the saddle . The horse was not like the ones I had ridden long ago . After I picked myself up and picked the grass out of my hair , I started trying to coax the horse back so that I could try to mount again . This time I was remembering a TV show I had once seen . When I landed in the saddled , I grabbed onto it and leaned forward as the horse started bucking . I slammed my fist against the side of the horse 's neck and to my surprise it locked its legs and froze . It turned its head and I pulled on the rains to make it turn towards the lead pack horse . I pulled my rifle out of the pack and then took the lead rope . Each of the other horses was tied to the packsaddle of the one in front of it . I turned my horse towards the west and as he started walking . I tied the lead rope behind my saddle and settled back . I slung my rifle as we entered the forest . We weren 't going very fast . At first the horse would grab a mouthful of grass and I had to remind it to keep going . By afternoon the horse was into a rhythm , it would get some grass and then start moving again . It was a few hours before dark when I called a halt for the night beside a small creek . I was sore and tired but unsaddled the horses and put them on a long picket . I had thought about things as we went along and as soon as I had camp made I set out a few snares . It had been many years since I had practice martial arts and it took awhile to loosen up . I let my mind relax as I moved through the katas and as I finished , I started practicing with two long daggers . After the daggers , I used one of the better long swords as if it was a katana . When I finished , I pulled the longbow out and shot a couple of dozen arrows . When I was done I washed up in the creek and made dinner . The next day was a repeat of the day before and it was almost five days before I came to a road . I had been catching rabbits and sometimes birds in my snares . Along the way , I had learned that the plants and animals here were both familiar and in some cases different . My first encounter with another person came a few hours after I had started out for the day . We came out of the woods into a field . I could see some kind of track on my right and turned to ride to it . Twenty minutes later I was approaching several mud brick huts . As I started getting closer I could see a couple of women rushing as if to hide with their children . It reminded me of some of the third world countries I had been in . By evening I had passed a dozen more small communities . I made camp on the edge of a small group of trees next to a field . I had just finished my exercises when a man came to my camp . He was wringing his hands as if very nervous and waited until I nodded to him . I nodded and the man hesitated before turning away . He stopped after a couple of steps and reluctantly looked back , " Be careful my lord . Not many travelers escape the baron 's men . " He caught the coins and looked at them with both fear and gratitude . I watched him walk away and thought about what I should do . If this baron was like the robber barons of Europe then he wouldn 't stop at a simple toll . I made a meal of roast rabbit and wild onions with something that was similar to potatoes . I was worried that one of the locals might try to sneak up on me and slept lightly . I was up early and took my time in saddling the horses . The track widened as I got closer to the baron 's keep and the gathering of huts became small wooded houses and then larger communities . I was able to buy a rabbit and some cheese at one of the isolated farms and ate a late lunch . I was close to what looked like a small town with a stone keep on a hill over looking it when I saw a half dozen riders heading towards me . It was only a couple of hours until dark and I stopped to wait and swung out of the saddle . I tied the reins to a small tree beside the road and checked my rifle . When they came up to me they spread out . I could see the two men carrying what I recognized as crossbows . One of the men was better dressed than the others and rode closer , " You are on baron Tennison 's land . " I nodded as the two riders without crossbows moved forward . I raised my rifle and shot the man in front of me through the head . I shifted to the two men with crossbows and took them down . The other two men were fighting their mounts until one slipped off and pulled a long sword . The man backed his horse before turning and riding off fast . It took several minutes to calm my horses and I moved them back into the nearest wood line . I unsaddled and picketed them on long leads . I kept an eye on the keep while I worked and when full darkness came I slipped out of the camp and headed for the keep . It took a half hour to get close and I moved quietly as I approached the tall wooden walls . I watched the sentries walking along the top of the wall before moving forward . The rough wooden walls were easy to climb and I waited for a sentry to pass before I slipped over . It only took about twenty minutes to take out the sentries . This baron must be paranoid , the door into the guard barrack had a drop bar on the outside . I was quiet as I put the bar in its brackets and quietly took out two more guards by the main keep and slipped through a side door . I could hear the loud voices from a large room I thought might be the main hall . I looked though and listened as a large man with a big belly was drunkenly telling several men how he was going to have me torn apart while I was still alive . The servants came and went keeping their heads down and tried to avoid his notice . I had been watching for about five minutes when a girl almost tripped while carrying a tray of food . He backhanded her and she was sent sprawling . I stepped into the room before I realized I had . The fat baron was stalking after the girl while everyone laughed , " Touch her again and it will be the last thing you ever do ! " As the long table that ran down the center of the room was overturned I brought my rifle up . I shot four men that sprang towards me and then I turned towards the fat baron . I shot him three times in the stomach before pointing back at the other men . They were all frozen as they stared at me . I shifted slightly as I took a step towards the dying baron and looked at the men , " I am heading west . You will leave now and head anywhere except in that direction . If I see any of you I will kill you . " Several shook their head and I looked at the girl and knelt to lift her up . I looked her in the face , " Ruling others is done by leading them . A true ruler is one who looks after the welfare of her people first . " I looked at the frightened girl , " Go among your people and get their advice on how to do things but always remember the decisions are still yours as well as the responsibility . Rule fairly and treat your people as you would want to be treated . If you fail and become like him … " I turned and walked out of the room quietly . The main gates of the keep were open and I walked out . I was careful as I made my way back to camp . It was a long night and I kept thinking one of the guards would try to sneak up on me . I made an early breakfast and cleaned my rifle before saddling the horses . In the small town people were out in the street and stood watching me as I rode through . I stopped when I saw an older man I recognized from the keep . I gestured to him , " Would you be good enough to take something up to your baroness ? " He bobbed his head and hurried into the house while I slid out of the saddle . I went to the last horse and untied the lead rope . I led the horse to the front as the girl came out with an older woman following her . She held her head up as she walked to me and I smiled and bowed before holding out the lead rope , " You will need something to help get you started . " I started off and didn 't even glance back . I had a warm feeling in my chest and knew I had done something good . The country I rode into became rolling hills with small streams everywhere . I had taken out my sectioned fishing pole and flies during the first evening . I caught two really nice size fish that almost looked like trout . The small track became a narrow road with wide grassy sides that I rode on . The road twisted and turned but kept heading in the general direction of west . There were a lot more small towns that I learned were part of the barony . It was almost a week after I had killed the baron when I crossed a wooden bridge and saw a crossroad ahead . I had been riding with the long bow at the ready incase I saw a rabbit . I rode up to the intersection carefully . The last small village I had passed had warned me about robbers . I swung down and tied my horse to a thick post . I walked towards the sign post to read it . The way south had the name of someplace called Darkholm . To the north was Sithern Plains City . To the west was Glevin Trade City . Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the nearest clump of bushes . As I turned back to my horses I reached for an arrow . Someone had been watching me and gave a yell that sent a dozen men rushing at me . I had left my rifle on my horse but turned to face the men rushing at me . My first arrow sped past the rushing men to hit a tall skinny man pulling the string back on his own bow . My second arrow took the man in the lead and my third took the man behind him . I released my fourth arrow before tossing my bow aside and pulling the long sword from over my shoulder . Almost all of the men had make shift weapons like long kitchen knives . I slid easily into my fighting stance and waited . I didn 't have long to wait as the first man stumbled into range and died as my blade swept out to take his head . I continued to make a follow through with a downward slice that took both hands from the next man . A half spin and thrust slid the point of my sword through the ribs of another man before I pulled back and turned . A diagonal cut to block and then a spin and side step to avoid a rusty looking long knife . I jabbed into one man 's throat with my fist and backhanded my sword through the stomach of another man . I slid past the man on the ground gagging and trying to breath as the others followed me . I spun and lunged , the first foot of my sword slicing through a man 's stomach before I yanked it back . I wasn 't fast enough , as he fell he took the sword with him . I pulled my fighting knife and the long dagger I had started carrying . There were three men left and they followed as I carefully stepped back . With a rush two came at me and the knife came up to block as the dagger went home in the other man 's chest . I shoved him into the other man and turned in time to catch a descending blade with my dagger before cutting his throat with my knife . The last man was just coming back to his feet and kept looking around for a way out . He lunged and took a swipe with his knife . I blocked with my knife and stabbed through his arm with the dagger . I twisted as I moved sideways and then sliced across his throat with the knife as he screamed . I looked around to see all the men down and dying . I stepped away from the bodies and really looked around . In the distance I could see someone riding towards me from the south . I knelt to clean my weapons before putting them away . I found my bow and picked it up before heading towards my horse . I swung into the saddle and shifted the horse to put the bow and quiver on the first pack horse before pulling out my rifle . I turned back to see several people riding closer . I could see what looked like wagons behind them , as they got closer I had to work not to stare . They were riding horses but each person was very short , like four feet tall . They were also very wide in the shoulder and each rider carried what looked like a crossbow . They stopped about a hundred paces away and looked at each other before one that looked better dressed started forward . He kept looking at the dead and dying men and then at me . I waited quietly to see what he was going to do . He pulled up in front of me and gestured at the men , " Bandits ? " I turned and we fell in beside his men . He kept looking at my rifle but didn 't say anything . It was a few hours later that he gestured off the road , " We make camp there for the night . " I looked around and nodded before turning with him . The area was beside a moderate stream with lots of tall grass . I picked an area to the side and unsaddled my horses before staking them out on long pickets . It only took me about twenty minutes to catch a couple of large fish . I brought fresh clothes down and stripped beside the stream . I waded out into the water and was surprised when after a few minutes several male and female dwarfs joined me . I grinned and finished washing before wading ashore while they played . I dressed and went back to camp to clean , fillet and cook the fish . The well dressed dwarf squatted across from me and looked curiously at the fish frying . I held a wooden plate out to him that I had traded a farmer for a couple of days earlier . I had also found a pepper tree and had a large bag of peppercorns , all I needed now was salt . The dwarf looked at me and then accepted the plate gingerly . He tasted a small piece of fish with his knife point and then stared at the fish . I talked about fly fishing while we ate and he seemed fascinated . After dinner he went to check his camp and men while I checked my horses and put them on a single picket line . I began my evening exercises as several of the dwarfs watched and finished as the sun sank down over the horizon . It was a quiet night that had me more relaxed then in a long time . I woke with the false dawn and headed for the stream , hoping to catch another couple of fish . Before I had caught my second fish , Bris was there . By the way he was staring I knew he wanted to try it . I waved him out and started teaching him . Several of the others lined up behind us to watch and on his third cast Bris got a hit that bent the pole . He was hooked along with every one of the dwarfs that was watching . He reeled in a huge fish and I helped him get it off the hook and he was right back in the stream . After his fourth fish I managed to get him out of the stream so we could clean and cook the fish . He watched closely as I cleaned them and had one of his men bring a small pouch of salt . I nodded to a stream we were coming to , " Find a strait sapling and cut it to length … " We spent the day talking about fishing and how to make fishing poles and flies . I tried to explain the difference between wet flies and dry flies and when to use each . We made an early stop for the night beside a stream . I let Bris use my fishing pole and took my bow to go looking for something else . I was watching a young buck and slowly placing an arrow on the string when I felt something watching me . It was like the times when I was in combat and had felt something out of place . I slowly looked around and found myself looking at several wolves as they crept closer . They were huge , easily the size of a Great Dane . I dropped the bow and spun as I pulled my pistol . The wolves rushed towards me and I barely had time to aim . I took the first one in the chest and the second through the head . I had to spin away from the third and shot the forth straight through its mouth as it leaped . I shifted sideways and turned to shoot the third wolf behind the ear . I turned with my pistol following my eyes as two other wolves slowly approached . I took aim and killed one with a chest shot and the other turned to leave . I looked around and relaxed as I realized it was over . I was skinning one of the wolves when Bris and several of the dwarfs found me . He stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head . I shrugged and went back to skinning the wolves . I rolled each skin up and when I was finally done we headed back to camp . I dropped everything beside where I planned to make a fire . I ate a meal that night while the dwarfs stayed in their camp and talked . I carefully started scraping one of the skins and went out to cut a few branches to use as a frame to stretch the skin . I rubbed ash from my fire into the skin and stretched it on the frame I had made . Bris came to my camp just as I was getting ready to lie down . He squatted across from me , " You are a strange man , Sam . " In the month since I had arrived , my appearance had changed so that I looked like a man of maybe forty . I looked into the night sky and began taking about my life . Not just about my life but about my world . I told him everything … about being in the hospital and the rest . The dragon seemed to surprise him and he looked at me speculatively . I looked away from the sky and he nodded , " Across the river Glevin is the vast plains of Turass . There are large herds of beasts that roam the plains and because of this predators like the wolves you killed are plentiful . The closer we get , the more we will encounter . " I thought about it , the metal of both weapons was made from advanced composites and needed special tools and equipment . I glanced at Bris , " They are made from metal stronger then the steel in a sword . I would need special equipment I probably wouldn 't find here . I could make weapons yes but not using the same metals . They wouldn 't be like the weapons I carry either . " I looked at the sky thinking about what he had asked . With all the different things I had learned over the years I could make a modern weapon . In fact , I remembered a time when I had designed a Thompson machine gun made from newer light weight metals . It had only weighted half of what a real Thompson weighted . I had also studied plans for other weapons , an old Colt Peacemaker and a Ruger Red Hawk . I woke early and rolled out of bed . I checked the horses and saddled them before putting them on their leads . They were grazing in the tall grass as I packed up . One of the dwarf women walked to the rolls of wolf pelts and only glanced at me , " We will take care of these . " Bris appeared smoking what looked like a long thin milky stone . The smell was like apples and cinnamon . I looked at the pipe and he grinned before nodding towards the stream where several dwarfs were watching one fish . I grinned and cleared a sandy patch of ground . I thought about it and sketched the eyes and brass caps on the section ends , describing everything as I went . Bris watched and listened until I was done . I explained about curing the wood so it wouldn 't split . I told him about using strong waxed string to attach the eyes and a strong glue to hold the sections caps on . When I finished he called the dwarf that was fishing . When he got to us , Bris took the fishing pole and examined the eyes and section caps closely . As we rode during the day the guards stayed closer to the wagons and were more alert . Just before our lunch break we were approaching a large slow moving stream when I noticed something moving in the tall grass off to one side . I was carrying the bow and pulled up before swinging out of the saddle and tying the rains to a passing wagon . I nocked an arrow and moved closer . I was only fifteen feet away when it rose up slightly as it moved closer to the road . I brought the bow up and pulled back in one motion . The release was almost an after thought . The scream of the big spotted cat as my arrow slammed into its body caused the horses to scream and panic . The big cat was snapping at the arrow as I prepared another . I didn 't have to shoot though , the cat spasmed and dropped to the ground . I carefully moved closer as the dwarves joined me . I recognized the cat as what I thought was a large Jaguar . It took the cat several minutes to die and Bris told one of the other Dwarves to stop the wagons beside the stream . Another Dwarf moved towards the big cat and I watched as he skinned it with a lot less effort then I could . He rolled the skin and we headed toward the waiting wagons a few hundred yards away . Bris looked at me , " You did a good job spotting that cat . Most of the time we only see them when they attack . " One of the women handed me a large piece of bread and a chunk of cheese . I grinned and looked around for some twigs . I made a small fire and cut the bread in half before stuffing the cheese inside . I used a forked stick to toast it over the small fire while the dwarves watched amused . I sat back and ate my sandwich slowly , enjoying the unique taste . The rest of the day went by without incident and we set up camp beside a wide slow moving stream . The water in the stream looked almost crystal clear as I waded out to cast a line . I hooked a big fish on the first try and brought it in . I had noticed several large fish gliding close to me , they looked long and lean like Northern Pike . When I lifted the fish I had caught out of the water one turned towards me . Something I remembered from fishing in a northern state came back to me . Another man was telling stories of northern pike that attacked a man while he was fishing . I shifted my pole to the same hand as the fish and reached over my shoulder for my sword . I had just pulled it out when the fish attacked . I struck straight down and impaled the fish on the end of my sword . I brought the sword up with the large struggling fish and wadded to the shore . The dwarves were wide eye and stared at the large fish on my sword and I grinned , " When fishing , watch the water around you for fish like this . They are what is called territorial and may attack your feet . " The dwarves looked at each other as I offered the fishing pole . I was cleaning the fish when one of the women just took it away from me . I sat beside a couple of the women as they cooked and learned a little about the herbs and spices they used . When I offered the pepper I had gathered , they only looked at me as if they had never heard of it . I crushed some on a plate with a knife blade and they tried it . I relaxed later with their quiet voices around me . Bris was busy at one of the fires and the women were working on the pelts . I drifted off and was awakened by a young dwarf a few hours before the sun came up . I drifted around the outside of the camp watching and listening until the sun started coming up and the whole camp came awake . The land around us began to flatten and there were only a few hills . There were a lot more large farms and small communities along the road . Just after our noon stop we were warned by a farmer about a big lion that had been stalking the farms around there . We saw a larger pack of wolves in the distance but they stayed away . I had switched back to carrying my rifle and rode in the front of our caravan . We camped beside a shallow river and kept the horses between the camp and the river . During dinner Bris handed me what looked like a spice grinder , " The women asked me to get some of your peppercorn . " He grinned and nodded as he pulled out his pipe . He saw me watching and grinned , " The weeds are wild . The women pick and dry it along with spices and a few other things . They seem to like the smell . " I thought of tobacco but when I looked at his offered pouch of weed , I found that it was something else . I tried a few puffs on his pipe and found that it seemed to wake me up and made me feel more alert . There were several dwarves grinning at me as I handed the pipe back . It was almost like I had passed a test . I had the middle of the night watch and went to bed early . When I got up , I pulled a two foot silencer out and then my thermal scope , I slid it on in front of the sights on my rifle . It was an hour past midnight when the horses became restless . I turned on the thermal scope and scanned the area before moving to the horses . I took a moment to look out at the shallow river and then along the bank . The lion stood out sharply in the scope and I whistled for the other guard . I was joined shortly by not by just the one guard but by several dwarves that had been awakened by the restless horses . I gestured , " There 's a very big cat along the river bank . " I thought about it and took careful aim on one of the lions . The muffled shot wasn 't really that loud but it seemed that way to me . I quickly shifted aim as the other cat came fully to its feet . A second muffled shot and it was over . A minute later Bris was there carrying a lantern . I walked out towards the sound of the two lions twitching bodies . I was staring at their fangs and couldn 't believe I had just shot two saber tooth lions . Bris had two dwarves skin them while we went back on guard . I managed to get a few hours of sleep before we headed out in the morning . I had the tanned pelts of the wolves over the last pack horse and he wasn 't to happy about it . Not only had Bris had the lions skinned but he had the long fangs removed . While we rode along he told me about seeing a pair of engraved fangs . Two of the dwarves driving wagons had the fangs and seemed happy as they relaxed and carved as the horses plodded along . That night we camped in a huge high walled yard . They called it a Merchants Yard . It had a corral for the horses , a well and several fire pits . Bris said we would reach the trade city a few hours before night fall the next day . I used a bare piece of ground to start drawing and before long one of the women handed me a parchment and a piece of graphite . I looked at her and then grinned as I went back to drawing , only on the parchment . I was thinking of the night before and the other guard 's inability to see the lions . When I finished , I sat back with Bris across from me . I described what it was and he looked interested . I realized that even after all the time I had spent with him , I didn 't know what he was bringing to the trade city . Bris grinned and went to the one of the wagons . He returned with a chunk of a silver metal ore . At first I thought it was silver but after examining it I realized it was something else . I had studied geology for awhile but I had no idea what this was , maybe something like titanium . He called it Mytheril or Star Silver . It was only found deep in certain mountains . He took pleasure in telling me all about this … Mytheril . He said it was stronger than steel and worth its weight in gold . I handed the raw ore back and we sat talking quietly until we finally called it a night . Everyone was excited as we started out the next day . I had the pelts of the Jaguar and both lions on one of the horses . Our lunch stop was brief and then we were back on the road . We came in sight of the walls in the late afternoon . I was a little sad to see the high walls because it meant I would be leaving the dwarves . It turned out I would be with them a little longer . There was a huge yard inside the high walls for caravans . We put the horses in one of the corrals and set up camp . I asked Bris if he knew of a local place where I would be able to do some metal work . I described making a rifle , scope and a night vision device . He was more than willing to help and had a relative that lived nearby . We walked into the city and down a narrow street like all the rest . The building he led me to was made of thick granite blocks that were joined together perfectly . Inside he greeted another dwarf in a hug . They whispered back and forth before I was led to a large workshop . There were easily thirty dwarves scattered around the room working at forges and hammering at benches . I was led through an arched doorway where several dwarven women were working . I was set up at a bench that had parchment and other drafting tools . I grinned at Bris as I sat and bent over the bench . In only a few minutes everything around me faded away as I concentrated on what I was doing . When I got tired , I moved to the side and curled up to sleep on a mat that had appeared . I was back at it early the next day . When I finally stopped , I had plans for not only a scope and night vision device but for two different rifles and ammunition . I hadn 't paid attention to the bread , cheese or even the fruit that had been quietly handed to me as I worked . I rolled up the plans and made my way back to my camp after thanking the sturdy dwarf that had been my host . I cleaned up and took four horses with prepared packs . I led them into the city and followed Bris 's direction to a large open trade area . It took almost two hours of bargaining to trade the silver and weapons for gold . The two bags of gold were noticeable as I placed them on the first horse . I had made a list of the things I would need and spent another three hours in the marketplace . I was used to third world markets and kept my eyes open for thieves and pickpockets . Back in camp I put everything together in two packs . The dwarves were celebrating the sale of one wagon load of Mytheril and I did a little bargaining with Bris for some Mytheril as well . It was an early grey dawn as I headed back into the city with one of the dwarf maids . We were going to a little known market where there were spices and dried herbs . The narrow street was crowded with people until we came to a small widening of the way . There were six men pushing people and talking loud . They were extorting money or property from everyone that tried to pass . Two men stepped in front of us and one reached for the basket the dwarf maid carried . It was at the same time that I saw two of the other men laughing as one held up something an old woman called a bond kitten . All I saw was a young , maybe eight week old grey stripped kitten squirming and then it bit the man 's finger . Time seemed to slow as his belt knife came out and swung toward the kitten . He was trying to fling the young cat away as the knife swiped over its throat in a small shower of blood . I was moving before I even realized what I was doing . My left hand flicked the small throwing knife from behind my belt as I reached out to the closest man with my right hand . I could see the bloody kitten tossed away as my throwing knife slammed solidly into the man 's throat . My right hand had locked on the wrist of the man near me as I slid forward sideways . As I turned his hand my left hand grabbed the back of his head and then my right went ridged as it came forward to strike his throat . My hand left the man 's head as I turned to the other man and brought my elbow around in a strike to the back of his neck with enough force to break it . I keep turning as he fell and pulled my combat tanto and pistol . I flipped the tanto and threw it into the man 's chest by the old woman and aimed at one of the two men still standing . I put two rounds through his chest and as the other turned to flee I shot him in the back of the head . I moved quickly to the bleeding kitten and went to my knees . I did the only thing I could think of to save its life . I pulled a small knife and sliced open my left index finger . I gently wrapped my spurting finger around the bleeding throat of the kitten . It seemed strange but all I could think of to save the kitten was the nanites that were in my blood . I knew that my blood type was O positive and hoped it wouldn 't hurt the kitten . It was trying to move and I used my other hand to hold it still , " No little one , hold still ! " It was as if the kitten heard me and seemed to relax . I glanced around at the twitching bodies of the six men and the crowd that was gathering . The dwarf maid walked to the men I had kill with knives and pulled them out . It was several minutes before the kitten seemed to get a second wind and I thought it would live . I looked up for the old woman only to find that she had disappeared . I slowly pulled my finger away to see that the cut I had made in my finger was closed . I checked the kitten and saw that while the neck wound looked raw , it to looked partially closed . I carefully picked the kitten up and the dwarf maid led the way back to camp . While the maid set my weapons down , I pulled out a dirty shirt and laid the kitten down . At first it didn 't want to move and refused to eat . I diced some red meat that one of the dwarves brought and slowly the young kitten ate . It fell asleep quickly after eating and I sat back to think . It was a little strange that I could be so … drawn to the kitten . Granted , I had always liked cats but … I shook my head and turned to clean up and then clean my weapons . I stayed in camp and washed clothes and rested . I sent a couple of the dwarven lads to a market and they returned to look at me strangely . All day I tended to the kitten , feeding it and gently petting her . I cleaned her matted fur and saw that her wound was completely closed and the scar was even fading . The dwarfs stayed away from me and it was almost evening before Bris returned from his business . He crossed to me as I sat with the kitten in my lap . She was purring as I rubbed the side of her face and then down her spine . He sighed , " You are strange Sam . The men you killed came from a gang that are rogues and cutthroats . They are a threat to me and mine . " I nodded and looked around , for some reason I didn 't wanted the kitten far from me . I found a large kerchief and tied a knot . I opened it like a sling and slipped the kitten inside . I put my combat vest on and put the sling around my neck . I pulled the silencer for the rifle out and attached it . He led me back into the city . The kitten stayed in the sling but I could hear her purring . Bris led me along very narrow alleys and back ways until we were across the street from a large building . There was yelling and laughter coming from inside , " This used to be a weavers hall . " He looked at the tiny head of the kitten as she stuck it out and nodded and put his cupped hands under her . I walked across the street towards the large double doors . There were two men leaning against the door jam and they sneered as I approached . The one on the right started to stand as I lifted the barrel of my riffle and shot him through the throat at ten feet . I shifted quickly as the other man jerked up . I fired twice into his chest before kicking open the doors , I walked into the room as it quieted . A couple of men rose and pulled daggers , I didn 't even hurry as I brought the rifle up and shot both . I turned to the large fat man at the other end of the room as madness broke out and shot him . I let the women go but killed every man that was in the room . I turned away from the carnage and walked back outside . Bris was still across the street trying to hold a struggling kitten . I walked towards them and reached out to pick up the feisty cat . I held her up in front of my face , " And where do you think you 're going ? " She mewed at me and stopped struggling . I shook my head and looked at Bris to see him still looking at the building . I took the sling and put the kitten back inside it . He led me back to camp where we found several men on guard . I fed the kitten and laid back to rest . I was thinking that since I had gotten here I had become a lot more violent , more like I had been when I was young . I drifted off to sleep with the kitten curled up on my chest . I woke to her licking my face with her sand paper tongue while one of the dwarf women looked on from a few feet away . I spent the day in the shop working on my projects . I took my breaks when the young kitten would come by mewing pitifully . That day set a pattern that we followed for almost two weeks . I sighed as I leaned back on the short stool . On the bench in front of me were four rifles that looked like a cross between a Thompson and a M16 . It did have some of the features of each plus some from an HK . They had a barrel like an HK416 . They were operated by a gas piston near the muzzle but had a buffer system to reduce the recoil . They were chambered in what I called 45 super long . The ammunition was what had taken so long . It wasn 't like other caseless ammo , there were three liquids that you mixed together and poured into molds . It hardened in less then three hours and gave a muzzle velocity of almost twenty four hundred feet per second . I had to make the thin tin primers first . The bullets were copper jacketed bullets with a ceramic core and had an accurate range of at least two hundred meters . All four had short , wide four power scopes that easily slid onto the rails on top . They also had small night vision devices that locked into place in front of the scopes . I had shown Bris and a couple of others how to make the ammunition as well as the small batteries for the night scopes . I had learned how to make the batteries from my wife Ellie . I looked to the side at the long barreled rifle lying there . It had a railed system like the others but was chambered for a much stronger round of ammunition . I looked down as Little One used her claws to climb my leg . I helped her onto the bench where she sat down and wrapped her tail around her front feet . She looked at me like , ' its about time , I want to play . ' I rubbed her chest before turning to look across the room . Bris was flirting with one of the women and I grinned as Tabin slammed a big blurry hand onto his shoulder . Bris frowned as he looked at him and turned at his gesture . He hopped off the stool and walked across the room with a swagger . Having me in his camp had given him a huge reputation . The Trade City guards had kept their distance as well . I picked Little One up and tucked her inside what I had come to call her carrier . I nodded to three of the rifles with shorter stocks as I picked up the forth and the other larger one . I smiled and shouldered the two rifles before grabbing the large bag still on the bench . Bris walked beside me briskly while carrying the three riffles . Back in camp , I showed them how to load the magazines in the bag . I sat back and played with Little One while they grinned and loaded magazines . I fed the kitten and let her curl up to sleep in her carrier while I saddled a horse . We rode out and went towards a low bluff in the distance . A couple of the dwarves were carrying wooden framed targets . I had them set up the targets in front of a high bank . We started at twenty five paces . I zeroed my rifle quickly and then spent my time helping Bris and the two other dwarves . Once the rifles were zeroed , we moved further away . The scope on my long rifle was different , stronger and more powerful . Even with a double buffer system , the rifle still kicked my shoulder like a mule . The explosion of the big four fifty express round caused the horses to scream in panic . We had to move the horses further away so I could finish zeroing the big rifle . I gradually moved back recording each setting on the scope until I was three hundred paces way . I watched the horses when I was done and let the dwarves practice . Little One did not like the loud noise and wandered off to explore a nearby creek . When the dwarves were done we collected the targets , ' the dwarves wanted to just leave them ' and headed back to the city . I had a second project I had been working on and after unsaddling the horses and brushing them , I headed toward my tent . I had set the tent up the fourth day here when a storm blew in . I came out with the small long wrapped package and looked around . I found Bris speaking to one of the older dwarves about leaving . I quietly handed him the package and watched as his eyes lit up . Inside the package was a small wooden box and inside that was a sectioned fishing pole similar to mine . It was made from seasoned wood with brass eyes and section caps . The string had been the hardest part next to making some flies . He grinned , letting his hands caress the rod . That evening we had a feast with the dwarves dancing to each others clapping . Bris sat across from me while I watched a dwarf maid playing with Little One . He looked and grinned , " She is a playful thing . " He grinned as he caressed the top of the case , " True . I 'll talk to them . I know the Caravan master is still looking for a hunter . " I woke to the buzzing purr of Little One telling me she was hungry and I should get up . I cut up a piece of rabbit for her and began sorting through my packs . I left the packs I needed to trade outside my tent and headed into the city . I tucked Little One in her carrier and she rode with her head poked out . Normally she would sleep after eating but for some reason she didn 't today . I headed to the spice market and spent almost two hours arguing over high prices and a small spice grinder . On the way back a large gray cat started following me and Little One kept trying to climb my shoulder to look behind me . I thought it was funny and just put her half on my shoulder so she could watch the other cat . When I got back in camp I packed everything away while Little One disappeared . It was almost dinner time when the old woman came to the camp . Little One sat up quickly and wrapped her tail around her front paws and stared . I watched as she walked calmly through the dwarves with the same grey cat I had seen earlier leading her . She stopped in front of me and I gestured for her to sit . Little One mewed at me and went to the older cat and started rubbing against her . I watched and then looked at the old woman , " I looked for you after the fight but you left . " I looked at her in surprise and then held my hand out to Little One as she came back to rub on it . I finally nodded and reached into the pouch I now carried . The old woman looked surprised and I smiled as I handed the gold piece to her , " The kitten is worth it . " I stood and walked out as she stood to follow . Samson was grinning as he drove the wagon towards the corral . Four horses were pulling it and another was on a lead behind . I walked to the wagon park behind him and walked around the new wagon as Bris joined us . The wagon was something I had never heard of or seen . It was fifteen feet long and eight wide . The bed was over three feet above the ground and was four feet high . It didn 't have axles , each wheel was on a long metal leaf spring with a thick coil spring in the center . When I looked under the wagon , I saw a thick wooden rod go from the back of the wheel hub to a center point on the floor of the wagon . A closer look showed the rod attached to a metal ball that was slotted into a thin slit . Whatever else this wagon was , it would give a smooth ride . I grinned at Samson , " Not bad . " Sarah left shortly after that , saying she would return tomorrow with her few belongings . I sat beside the large fire that night saying my goodbyes . Just as I was getting ready to call it a night Bris returned with a long wrapped package . He quietly handed it to me and I spent a moment trying to think what it might be . When I opened it , I stared and then grinned at Bris . I had described a katana and how it was made . Bris had done me one better , it was made from Mytheril . I could see the wavy lines where it had been folded repeatedly . The hilt was wrapped with a thin silvery Mytheril chain and capped with a dragons head , it even had two rubies eyes . They bowed and I turned to enter my tent . I was up early helping them break camp . I watched as they rode out and turn away with a sigh . A large grey haired man was standing there watching me . I had seen him across the huge yard a few times . I approached him and he held out his hand , " Henry Biship , Caravan Master . Bris said you were a good man to have along . " I turned and waved as I headed towards my tent and the list I had made of things I would need . I was just coming out when the old woman came into camp with a hand cart . I looked at it and had an idea . I helped her put her things in my tent and went to work on the inside of the wagon . I made a bed on one side and then went to the market for a few chests and barrels . Sarah liked the idea that her bed would be in the wagon after I explained that I would be putting a tent over the top . It wasn 't like the pictures I remembered of old west Conestoga wagons . I peaked the roof down the center , the ends of the roof extended a foot beyond the side of the wagon and several feet over each end . I placed a water barrel on each side and another in the wagon . I made it so that I could use a horse to pull her cart or fasten it to the back of the wagon . We spent a day gathering supplies and on the last morning were waiting at the yard gate into the city . The dwarf family was the first to arrive . The husband was a brisk no nonsense type of person and walked to me . He looked up into my face with his hands on his hips , " Bris said you were worth knowing and would be a good travel companion . We will help you and the old woman with any animals you kill . In exchange we keep the skins . " His eyes narrowed and he finally nodded . It was another half hour before the rest of the wagons finally arrived and led the way through the gate . We went through the city slowly and an hour later started across the floating bridge to the plains beyond . On the other side of the river I swung into the saddle of one of my horses and let Sarah drive , our wagon was the third in line . Sarah was more than happy with the smooth ride , her bond cat was sleeping on the bed behind her in the wagon . Little One liked to ride in front of me unless she wanted to sleep , if she got sleepy she would climb into her carrier . It was a long day , the trail across the plains was clear with few trees close to it . The caravan master stopped by a few times and we talked . He said we would be stopping at what was called Caravan Keeps every night . We saw wolves a few times but they kept their distance and large herds of what I recognized as bison . When we came within sight of tall walls I moved to the back of the wagon and unhooked the cart . I pulled it out of the way and put the handles in the loops beside my saddle . I thought to leave Little One with Sarah but she refused to leave me . I pulled the 450 express out of the wagon and turned away from the Keep . While the wagons headed into the gate through the high walls , I headed towards a nearby herd of bison leading my horse with the cart behind him . I only glance back when I heard Jerome the dwarf stomping after me . I stopped a couple of hundred yards from the herd and waited for Jerome . I nodded towards the horse with Little One sitting up in the saddle , " Wait here . " I moved to the side a little ways and knelt . I had been watching the herd and picked out a bull on the edge . The loud explosion caused my horse to stir but he had at least heard it before . The herd of bison stirred and began moving away . The bull I had been aiming at had dropped to its knees and then fallen over . I put the big rifle on safe and moved to the cart . Little One was giving me a dirty look while Jerome had wide eyes . I set the rifle inside the cart and turned to lead the horse towards the downed bull . Jerome got himself together and hurried to catch up . We didn 't take long in skinning the bull and cleaning it . We put everything in the cart and started back towards the Keep . I glanced back and saw several wolves coming out of the tall grass to feed on the offal from the bull . The inside of the Keep was strange , the walls were six feet thick . At each of the four corners there was a raised platform for a guard . Jerome and I took meat for our own camps and the caravan master took the rest . Jerome didn 't even hesitate in rolling the large bull hide up and throwing it over his shoulder . We had gone slow while traveling so the horses had a chance to eat some of the grass . I had walked beside the wagon several times cutting grass with a long handled scathe and dropped it into the back of the wagon . Little One wandered off with my directions to stay in the Keep . Sarah 's grey bond cat seemed happy to curl up on her lap after dinner and purr at her with pleasure . I checked each of the horses and the caravan master came by to give me my assigned shift on one of the watch towers . I slept fitfully that night and woke with relief when the camp guard came by to get me . Watching the area outside with my night scope showed me why guards on the towers were necessary . I saw a couple of large cats as they made their way past the Keep and knew they would have been able to leap up and climb into the Keep . As the sun rose a mist followed and slowly the camp came to life . We hadn 't been out of the Keep long when I saw a big cat coming out of the fog . It looked like a large mountain lion and it was heading for the lead horses pulling my wagon . I brought the new rifle up and fired in one smooth movement . The lion screamed as it stood up on its back legs and then fell to the ground biting at its side . There was a few moments of panic along the caravan and gradually things calmed . I moved forward to the downed cat as it died . The caravan master and a couple of others appeared and then moved away . Jerome got there as I began to skin the lion and he immediately took the other side . It didn 't take long to finish and we rolled the skin up . Our wagons had continued to move with the rest of the caravan . I tucked Little One back in her carrier before we started jogging to catch up . I slipped the skin into Jerome 's wagon before moving on to my own . I walked beside the wagon and Sarah grinned down at me as I handed Little One up . She handed down the scathe and I moved off . I slung my rifle as I began cutting the tall grass . It was like the pattern I had set the day before only after the lion I was a lot more alert . It was a good thing I was paying attention because the man in front of me was doing the same thing I was . He didn 't even see the large wolves as they came out of the grass for him . There wasn 't time for me to unsling my rifle so I dropped the scathe and drew my pistol . I put two shots into the first rushing wolf before switching to the next . The explosive sound of my pistol brought the wolves to a halt as I double tapped the second . I shifted and shot a third and then a forth before they turned to run . The caravan was full of shouting and the man I had saved was staring at the wolf a few feet away from him in shock . I changed the magazine and moved to start skinning the first wolf . This time Jerome and I had help skinning the wolves while the caravan waited . When we moved on everyone was more watchful . As we approached the next Keep I took the cart and began moving off towards a herd of bison in the distance . This time Little One stayed with Sarah as Jerome and I went hunting . I shot a huge bull at the edge of the herd and then because a second bull wouldn 't move away I shot it . That night I had first watch and saw a sight I had never dreamed of seeing . A large herd of Mammoths bedded down at the base of the Keep wall . I was asked to shoot one of the creatures for its tusks and shook my head , ( people never change ) . Sarah stayed up until my watch was over and we sat talking until it was late . The next day was a repeat of the one before without the wolves . I was able to shoot three antelopes before we reached the next Keep so I didn 't bother going after Bison . I didn 't have guard that night and lay against my saddle with Little One on my lap . I wasn 't sure what had awakened me until I heard the horses snort uneasily . I reached beside me and lifted my rifle . I had placed the night scope on just in case and switched it on now . I slowing began checking around the camp and froze when I saw a huge lion crouching beside the small camp fire across the way . I took careful aim and flicked off the safety . The quiet click of the safety made the large cat 's ears flick towards me . It looked across the camp straight at me . I squeezed and the night was shattered by the roar of my rifle and then by the scream of the lion . The Keep was alive with shouts and yells , the horses were screaming and everything was in chaos . I moved across to the dying lion as others began to gather . It turned out that one of the men on guard had fallen asleep . The caravan master put extra men on each post so it wouldn 't happen again . Jerome watched as I skinned the lion and then helped drag the body out a gate . We came back to the caravan master who nodded and turned away . I shook my head and for the first time Jerome grinned . It took awhile before I was able to sleep . Little One finally curled up on my chest and began to purr . It was strange how something like that can help someone fall asleep . I woke to the touch of one of the night guards moving around waking everyone . When we moved out we had to go slow because a large herd of bison were spread across the plain in front of us . All day we moved like that and the caravan master stopped by to say we would be getting to the next Keep late . I shot an old bull and Jerome and I skinned and cleaned it while the caravan waited . We reached the next Keep after dark and moved in carefully . I was leading several men in to check it when I noticed the far man sized gate open . I held my hand up to stop everyone and then pointed at the open gate . The pack of wolves came out of the dark and into our lantern light snarling . I didn 't hesitate and shot the first one I had seen through the chest . I hit the second in the neck and then they were running away . The problem was that they didn 't head out the far gate . I waved the men back and used the night scope . I shot the wolves one after another until they were all dead . They helped me drag the wolves out the far gate before leading the wagons in . It was awhile before I finished skinning the wolves , even with Jerome 's help . I was on watch on the far wall when I saw the large group of men approaching . They were quiet and had naked swords in their hands . I nudged the other man on guard with me and let him look through the scope . He turned to face the camps , " Raiders ! " I took the rifle as the men below charged at the gate . I fired rapidly taking the first three before they could reach the gate . I hit another as he was opening the gate and lanterns flared to life . I turned and headed down the stairs inside the Keep . There were three raiders just inside the gate with arrows in them , the rest were fighting with men from several camps . I shot two men that stood beside the gate with short horse bows and then headed into the fight . A big man came out of the semi darkness and I side stepped his stabbing knife . I struck out and crushed his windpipe before moving on . I shot a man that sprang at me from the shadows and headed towards the last group still fighting . The last of the raiders fell with arrows in their back as I reached them . It was a long time before things calmed down . We were lucky , only three men were injured and they weren 't hurt that bad . The rest of the night was tense and we got little sleep . We moved out the next day more carefully . The days slowly crept by and a week and a half later we approached what looked like a gash through the earth . A huge Keep spanned it and the caravan master stopped us before the gates . Half of us approached and opened the gate . I was carrying my old HK416 with the silencer since it didn 't scare the horses . Once inside I saw that the Keep was split . Each half was the normal size of a Caravan Keep . Two rope bridges spanned each side and a wide solid looking bridge crossed the gap in front of us . On the other side of the bridge was a group of ragged looking men . What I didn 't like were the four crossbowmen on the far wall . The caravan master had us wait and walked to the near side of the bridge . I could hear the brigands making demands and watched as one of the crossbowmen lifted his crossbow . I didn 't wait and took aim . I fired and switched to another man and then another . I took the last crossbowman as the group at the bridge realized something was happening . I shot the leader and then just start shooting anyone that stayed still to long . I killed the last three as they ran for the far gate . After that it was only a matter of dragging the bodies out and bringing the wagons in and across the bridge . I went out with the cart and Jerome and found a small herd of elk . He laughed and nodded before falling silent . I had last watch that night and stood looking out at the low foot hills in the morning light . When I returned to the wagon it was to see a large pile of pelts in the back with Little One curled up on top . I looked at Jerome breaking camp nearby , " This looks like more than half the pelts . " He nodded and all to soon we were headed out . Large wolves ran from the dead bodies as we came out but that was all . The plains turned into low rolling hills and I swung up onto a horse . I had switched to the newer super long and carried it across the saddle bow . I saw the spotted lion as it came closer to the wagons and slid out of the saddle . By now the others in the wagon train knew what that meant and started looking around . Several saw the large cat and pulled out bows . I aimed and fired which made all the horses nervous but they had heard it enough by now . I walked out to the dead animal with Jerome and two other men . The wagons stopped and waited the few minutes it took for us to skin the big cat . Not long after I killed the cat we came to a small deep river . It had a wide stone bridge that I had to study as we crossed . After that we crossed a river or large stream almost every hour and they all had stone bridges . It was a couple of hours before sunset when we reached the dwarven settlements . The walls we came to were huge . At least a hundred feet high with funnel like crenels that would allow bowmen to shoot out at an angle . When we entered the wide gate I discovered the wall was probable twenty meters thick . We came out in a huge caravan yard with corrals to one side and a small party of dwarves waiting . It didn 't take long to put the horses in a corral and I made a quiet camp . That was when Sarah told me she had been offered a position with Jerome and his family . I smiled and relaxed as she made dinner , " You should take it . Jerome is a grumpy dwarf but he has a good heart and his wife seems understanding . " She smiled and nodded , it was after dinner that the small party of dwarves came to the camp . I was leaning back with Little One on my chest . The leader and a gruffly dwarf named Peter squatted across from me , " Jerome says you are a worthy man . " I nodded again as Little One stood to stretch and then hopped off me and headed into the night to explore and hunt . I looked back at Peter who had been watching Little One . He grinned , " Perhaps we can talk about a deal . I will buy your furs and pay for your supplies in exchange for letting my brother and his family travel with you to the Dwarven Tunnels . " I stood and moved to the wagon before pulling a small parchment book out . I flipped to the page I needed as I walked back . Bris had written everything out in a kind or flowing script that was Dwarvish . I turned it to show Peter , " I need these items . " I took the book from him and sat down . I pulled the thin graphite pencil from the binding as I thought about a suppressor for the 45 Super Long rifle . I carefully began to sketch each component as the dwarves gathered around to look over my shoulder . When I finished , I looked back at Peter . He smiled and nodded , " Easy enough . " They grinned and the next thing I knew I was the proud owner of an older pouch and the combined gifts of herbs from all the dwarves . I was even given a small old milk white stone pipe . I was also given a small box of sulfur matches and started a small bowl of herbs . It was as I remembered and seemed to wake me up . Peter finished copying my drawing and they left . Over the next couple of days I went to a dwarf smithy and made a suppresser and Peter sold some of the hides I didn 't want and my extra horses . I kept a few bison hides for cooler weather and purchased new supplies . Sarah left the second day after giving me a hug and a kiss on my cheek . The family of dwarves had four grown men ; Dodson , Samuel , Adalson and Maderson . The mother seemed very nice and there were actually four younger dwarves , two boys and two girls . One of the boys drove my wagon as we headed out the gates . We left with just the two wagons , mine and Dodson 's family . I walked beside my wagon in front carrying my silenced Super Long . Little One lay across my shoulders watching . The dwarf tunnels were only a week away but it was going to be over hills and across a lot of small streams . That night we made camp and settled in . I was to take the middle watch and had just started thinking about crawling into the wagon since it looked like it would rain . The voice that came out of the night had everyone moving towards weapons . I used my night scope to look and saw five people standing just out of the fire light . Dodson called for one to come forward and I got a surprise when a slim man walked to the fire . As I watched him , I realized he wasn 't a man . His hair was white and he had longer ears than a man and an almost delicate face . I cleared my throat , " Tell the others to come in . " That brought his attention to me and his eyes narrowed . Even from where I knelt in the shadows , I saw the yellow cat slit pupils of his eyes . I looked into his eyes without looking away and he smiled before turning to call into the night . It was mix of French and Celtic and I smiled , " You are right , they should watch the human . " He looked at me quickly as the others came forward into the light . My world seemed to slow and then stop as I looked at Ellie . She was younger but I knew it was her . I felt the pain of losing her all over again . I started when Sam touched my shoulder , " Samuel ? " I looked at him and then the others . I turned away and moved into the darkness . I knew it wasn 't really my Ellie but she had looked so much like her , like the way she moved and gestured . I stood in the dark feeling lost and alone more then at anytime since I had come to this world . When Ellie had died my world had ended and I would have welcomed death . I ignored him while he stood as if waiting . Finally he put a hand on my shoulder , " Sometimes those on your world die . They are reborn to live again somewhere else as someone else . Sometimes … rarely … very rarely , the gods step in and one is reborn here . They remember nothing of your world but vague dreams and shadows . " He dropped his hand and walked back towards the camp . Little One clawed her way up my leg and body to crouch on my shoulder and purr . I reached up to touch her body , " Thank you but it does not help . " I laughed as I felt my face . I had looked at myself just a couple of days before . She was right , I didn 't look my age . I looked maybe twenty five , " That is another story , El . " I nodded and gestured back to the camp before pulling Little One down into my arms where she purred loudly . Everyone looked up as we came into camp . The four that had been with her when they came to the camp sat by the fire and looked at me . I could see they were like that first … person . A small shape scampered out of the dark and headed straight for Ellie . She barely paused as she knelt and scooped up a tabby cat that looked a little older then Little One . Little One lifted her head and I smiled as her eyes brightened . I bent and set her down , " Do not stay up all night . " I nodded to Dodson and headed to my wagon . I laid back thinking and fell asleep with the vision of Ellie . I woke to the slight shifting of the wagon and then rain . Even in the dark I knew it was Ellie . Little One purred by my head and from somewhere next to her an answering purr sounded . I reached to where I had the generating flashlight and wound it up as she sat on the bed . I turned the light on and her eyes widened . I sat up and turned to put my feet on the floor . Ellie looked from me to the flashlight and back before grinning . She looked at me with sparkling eyes , " The dwarf Dodson said you had mid watch . Would you mind if I stayed in your wagon ? " I grinned and finished lacing my boots before shutting the flashlight off so my eyes would adjust to the night . I could hear Ellie as she shifted and then I heard her boots drop . I smiled , " El ? Who are those … people you came with ? " I grinned , " This has been a lot like Alice in wonderland . I fell down a hole and now I am in a world of fantasy . I have spoken and made friends with a dragon , met Dwarves and Elves . The only thing left would be to meet a wizard . " Ellie didn 't laugh , she shifted on my bed , " Well … you have met a mage . I guess that would be close to a wizard . Wizards are all stuffy old men anyway . " I slipped out of the wagon and shivered as the rain started soaking through my clothes . I found Adalson by the horses and sent him to bed . I made a round using my thermal scope and stood under some trees by the horses . The sound of rain was loud but there was another sound that drew my attention . I looked through my scope and saw what at first I thought was a small dragon . It glowed in the thermal image as if very hot . I followed its head as it looked to one side and saw a second one and then a third . The third was sideways and I sighted on a spot behind the ear and fired . The sound of the shot was muffled and not really that loud . The one I had shot was down and the other two charged . I shot the second straight through the throat and shifted to the last . It was almost on me as four arrows struck it and I fired . I put three rounds through its chest and then looked out at the second one . It was down and thrashing around like it was trying to breath . I shot it through the head and it stilled . I looked at the four elves as they drifted out of the night . One said something to the others and headed out towards the bodies . I looked back as lanterns flared to life and the dwarves came towards us . The horses had stirred at my firing but had settled down . I looked from him to Ellie and she nodded before softly murmuring something that didn 't sound like a real language . The whole area lit up to show the three dead drakes . She looked at Green Bow , " Nested ? " Dodson turned and gestured to the others and they headed out . Ellie shivered as she looked around in the light rain . She looked at me , " You are much more than you seem . " I laughed and looked out at the busy dwarves as they skinned the three dead animals . The elves drifted away and I was left to keep watch . Almost as soon as the dwarves walked past me and into camp the glow that lit the area died . When I was relieved , I walked to the wagon and climbed in . I stripped out of my wet clothes and heard Ellie shifting on the bed . I smiled in her direction but only moved to the chest at the head of the bed . I took my time wiping down my rifle and cleaning it . The years had taught me that light wasn 't always needed to do things and I was comfortable sitting in the dark . I hesitated when I finished and set the rifle aside . I moved to the bed and wasn 't surprised that the covers were held up for me . I slipped in and turned to face away as Ellie snuggled against my back and Little One crawled down into my arms purring . I woke to the hint of dawn and the warm feeling of my wife against my back . I slowly looked over my shoulder to see Ellie looking back and smiling . I slid out of bed and set Little One up with Charles before opening a chest . She smiled and sat up and held out her hand . I pulled a shirt out and finished dressing . I smiled to see Ellie wearing only the shirt as she followed me out . I watched as she headed to the elves and turned to go speak with Dodson . He apologized for accepting the elves but said they would be worthy companions . I went to my horses and put their feed bags on while getting them ready . Unlike the plains , I had eight horses pulling the wagon with two following on long leads . I checked each horse and harnessed them . When I was finished and the feed bags were removed , it was time to go . It was in the late afternoon that I signaled to bring the wagons together for the night . We were beside a wide shallow stream and I was thinking of trying my luck . The wagons formed a vee with the horses inside . I dug out my rod and set my rifle on the bank before taking my boots off and wadding in . The dwarves looked at me the same way Bris and the other dwarves had . The elves looked wary and curious and Ellie looked amused . It was the third cast that brought the first strike . I fought the fish and backed to the edge of the stream . The dwarves were all staring wide eyed and crowding around . The elves looked surprise and Ellie had a huge grin . I landed the fish and headed back out for another . That first fish had to weight at least five pounds . The next cast brought a huge surge of water as the fish jumped and started fighting . When it was over I had two very large fish to clean . I was beside the stream gutting the fish when the bear came out . It roared and everyone seemed to freeze in fear as the horses in camp screamed . The elves were slowly pulling theirs bows from their shoulders . I slowly stood and faced the huge bear from no more than a dozen feet . I was afraid for Ellie and dropped the knife I was using , " Move behind me . " It was said quietly but she heard . The bear stood and roared again and I drew my pistol . It seems that moments of extreme stress only made my aim better . The bear was huge , easily twelve feet tall . I shot it five times rapidly under the jaw , angled up . The head snapped back and the bear seemed to stand there frozen before falling . I moved forward as it spasmed and died . I put the hammer down before holstering the pistol and turning to everyone staring at me in shock . I smiled at Dodson 's wife , " Would you salt a haunch for me ? " She grinned and the elves chuckled . After cleaning and filleting the fish , I started skinning the bear and Ellie helped me . This was something she would never have done … I reminded myself this wasn 't exactly my Ellie . The Dwarves carved up the meat while I rolled up the hide . In camp I set the bear skin aside and pulled out my cooking utensils . I used herbs with salt and pepper to cook the fish . Ellie sat beside me looking hungry and I put the first fillet on a wooden plate with some water crests and spicy rice . She looked at it and me while the elves and dwarves watched . They were all eating bear steaks but watched as Ellie tasted the fish . I smiled and slid a second fillet onto her plate before starting mine . I cleaned up after dinner and pulled out my pistol which made everyone stop what they were doing . I pulled my cleaning kit out of the wagon and sat down to unload the pistol and take it apart . I cleaned it and put a light coat of oil back on before putting it together and reloading it . I sighed and pulled the bear skin out and unrolled it . I started scrapping it and Ellie silently began helping me again . She had been silent since dinner and now she started talking , " Trolls are only found in the forests or high in the mountains . They have very hard skin and arrows don 't penetrate . " She smiled at me , " Orcs … Orcs are very dangerous . They are five feet tall with greenish skin and no hair . They travel in huge packs and kill anything and everything they find . " I looked at her and she nodded , " Then there are gnomes . They are a shy reclusive people . They also live in the heavy forests . Sometimes in even large dwarven communities . " I tossed it to him and then rolled the skin and tied it to the side of the wagon . I grabbed a large towel and turned for the river . Ellie touched my arm , " May I join you ? " I looked at her and nodded before turning to the river . At the edge I stripped and picked up the wash cloth and soap . Ellie stood in the water and smiled as she lifted her arms to murmur her made up language . I felt a tingle as if a current of electricity had passed through me . She held out her hand , " We are safe now Samuel . " Her throaty chuckle made me grin . Our bath was one of remembered touches and caresses . When we finished , I dressed and waited to walk to my wagon holding her hand . That night I held her against me afraid to sleep . When she whispered softly I felt my mind slipping and then I was blinking awake . I caressed her face and slid out of bed before I did something . We had only been walking a short time that day when I glimpsed something moving through the brush . I switched sides with Ellie , " We have company . " Ellie had made a sound and signaled to the elves . They spread out as I looked around and thumbed the safety off my riffle . When the little grey creatures attacked , I reacted and brought the rifle up . I fired rapidly into the large crowd of rushing creatures . By the time they reached me there were only a few left and arrows took them quickly . I looked around when it was over and didn 't see anymore . I looked at one of the elves as he drew a sword and walked through the creatures and stabbed each one . I looked at Ellie , " Those were goblins ? " I turned one over and looked at its open mouth and the only thing I could think of to describe it was sharks teeth . I looked around and nodded to Dodson to start moving again . The next attack came just before we stopped for the night . They came out of a brush choked gully and I spun as Ellie gestured and murmured something . A jagged bolt of what looked like lightning jumped from her staff to strike one of the rushing goblins . It glowed and then the bolt jumped to another as the first dropped to the ground smoking . I ignored everything and started shooting the closest ones . When it was over the ground was littered with dead and smoking bodies . We were careful about how and where we made camp . That night there was no fire , after we made dinner it was put out so it wouldn 't attract more goblins . I worked on the bear skin until it began to get dark . I had first watch and Ellie walked around the camp with me . When Adalson relieved me , she took my hand a led me to my wagon . Little One and Charlie looked up from the furs on the chest behind the wagon seat . Ellie stripped and pushed my hands away from my shirt to undress me . She looked into my face , " We were once husband and wife Samuel . I still feel that bond and I know you do also . " Ellie put her finger to my lips , " I am both the same and different than the Ellie in your heart . Just as you are both the same and different then the Samuel in my dreams . I have thought hard about this and have decided to accept my husband back into my life . " I woke to dawns light with Ellie was still snuggled against my back . Little One hopped onto the bed and lay down against my chest purring . I shifted and stroked her fur before sliding out of bed and dressing . When I dropped out of the wagon , Green Bow looked up from his bed beneath the wagon . I glanced around and went to start a morning fire . I had just gotten the pot of water to boil when everyone began appearing . The first hint of something came with the snort of one horse . That snort rang bells that brought me to my feet with my rifle coming to my shoulder . I shifted and moved slowly towards the horses . Green Bow and the other elves had stood and pulled their bows out . The dwarfs were looking around cautiously . The rush came suddenly , it was a huge band of goblins . I didn 't even hesitate before starting to shoot . The creatures dropped and still kept coming . I changed magazines six times and they still flooded out of the dawns light . Ellie was throwing some type of fire balls that exploded and the elves were shooting arrows . The dwarfs were using compact crossbows but I was baring the brunt of the attack . When the bolt locked back on my last magazine I dropped the rifle and drew the sword Bris had given me . I moved into the rushing monsters as Ellie yelled . It was like I was back in the jungles where my life began . I sliced and danced as I blocked or avoided goblins trying to swarm over me . It was a life time later that I stabbed through the throat of a rabid goblin and looked around . Everything was quiet , the ground around me was littered with dead goblins . I glanced at the camp and everyone was looking back with wide eyes . I looked down at my blood soaked clothes and shook my head . I started back towards the camp , bending to retrieve my rifle . I smiled , " I think I 'll wash before we start off this morning . " I was looking at Ellie and she smiled and shook her head . The stream I used ran red before my bath was over . I had to wash several times to get the stink off . I pulled a set of black combat utilities out and dressed before reloading all my magazines . I stayed in my wagon as we started and quickly cleaned my sword and rifle . I dropped out and pulled Little One down and draped her across my shoulders . Ellie grinned at that and bent to pick up Charles as he meowed . Green Bow moved forward , " You are very good with the sword . " I thought about that question and how to answer . I looked at Ellie and smiled , " I led a life as a combat soldier and then I met my Ellie . She was a teacher for a university … a type of school . She was the one to introduce me to other teachers . Five years after she … died , I was dying . I was in a hospital and one of our friends came to me . He had created tiny robots … " I saw both him and Ellie nod but they weren 't happy . I smiled , " That is as close a description as I can think of . They aren 't good or bad , they are tiny machines that just do what they were told to do . In this case they were designed to destroy or remove … bad growths inside a human body . They remove diseases from the blood too . They also cause the body to regenerate . " It was two more days before we reached the entrance to the dwarven tunnels . The rest of the journey was calm with no attacks . We did see signs of drakes a couple of times but none approach us . The evenings were cooler now that we were entering the edge of a mountain range . I had finished cleaning and tanning the large bear skin . Dodson directed me to a huge stone stable after we entered the gate . Several dwarf lads took the horses to a small corral after I parked the wagon . Green Bow and the other elves waved as they continued towards the large mouth of the main tunnel . I looked at Ellie and she smiled , " We might as well get comfortable , dwarves tend to take their time . " Little One only flirted her tail as she kept going and Ellie laughed . I smiled and went to the wagon to bring out my dirty clothes . I looked around and Ellie laughed again before calling one of the dwarf lads . One came out looking annoyed and she smiled sweetly , " Would you happen to know of a nearby service to clean clothes ? " I laughed , " Tell you what . I will give you these and mage Ellie 's robes to be cleaned . I will pay you a silver when they are done . " She grinned as I turned to give the lad the clothes . He grinned back at me , " Go inside the tunnel and take the first left . At the arched doorway on the right , go in . " I took Ellie 's hand and we headed into the tunnel . We found the doorway the lad told us about and walked in . All around us was the hum and murmur of voices from hundreds of dwarves . Light filtered down from high overhead and I could see huge seems of crystal . I grinned and pulled Ellie after me as I headed into the busy market . I headed through the solid looking shop like stalls walking slowly . I stopped when I saw the emerald green cloth on a counter . I grinned at the two dwarf women , " How long to make a nice dress ? " I looked at Ellie as I pulled my large pouch of silver and started bargaining . I had noticed several other bolts of cloth in many colors . In the end I bought Ellie four dresses , the other three were to be finished and delivered to our wagon . While I waited for her I looked around the nearby stalls . I was not surprised when Little One clawed her way up my body and lay draped across my shoulders . I found another shop that was selling capes and bought three . One for me and two for Ellie , one was fur lined . I returned to the dress shop to find Charles draped across the counter while several young dwarf girls pet him . I smiled as Little One sniffed and meowed in complaint . I reached up to caress her while looking towards the back of the shop . A grumpy looking dwarf with a beard down onto his chest stomped down the isle and looked up at me , " You Samuel Grey ? " He turned and stomped off and I shook my head as Little One mewed softly . I caressed her and glanced at the back of the shop as Ellie opened the curtain and stepped out . She was stunning in the long dress and smiled as she walked towards me , " He was a grumpy old man . " We stopped at a food vender on the way out and carried two meat and goat cheese sandwiches back to the wagon . I set Little One down as Charles meowed at her and they disappeared into the barn . Ellie grinned , " They must be going for lunch . " I tossed the new robes in the back of our wagon and sat with Ellie to eat . A large group of dwarf men and women approached as we were finishing . I noticed Dodson walking along with those in the lead and sighed , " Another recommendation . " Ellie laughed and leaned against my shoulder . The group gathered around us and sat down . One old dwarf that looked ancient cleared his throat , " We have a problem and you were recommended as someone that might solve it for us . " He nodded and they all stood . Tolivar stayed as the others walked back towards the tunnel . I sighed and handed Ellie my pouch of silver , " Would you mind looking in the marketplace for some of the pipe herbs ? " Tolivar grinned as we watched her head back into the tunnel . I pulled out my note book and gave him a list of what I needed . It was basically everything I needed to reload and make more bullets . I climbed into the wagon and started pulling out my extra magazines and ammo . I sat and started preparing . I had only done one mission underground and it was not a pleasant memory . I glanced at Ellie when she came back but kept working . I finally set everything aside and sat back and closed my eyes . She moved behind me and started rubbing my temples like she had done in the past , " Goblins are like weasels Samuel . Once they know prey is there they can not stop themselves from killing . It is a kind of blood lust . " When Tolivar returned , I started making more bullets . It was late when Ellie pulled me to bed in the wagon . I woke to the sound of a lot of voices . Ellie shifted and moved to get up , " A wagon train from Kendal . It sounds like they have wounded . " I sat up and began to dress as Ellie climbed out of the wagon . The area around the stable was full of wagons and horses , with dwarves and humans moving around both . I started helping with the wounded and was almost sickened at some . The goblins that had attacked them did not try to kill before eating and some wounds were horrific . The sun was up before everything calmed down . I sat with Ellie and ate some bread and cheese before putting my gear on . Tolivar returned as I was finishing a shoulder bag that held extra magazines . When Ellie stood to come with me I almost told her to stay . Little One and Charles trotted at our feet as we headed into the tunnel . Ellie grinned and bent to scoop up Charles . Little One leaped and used her claws to climb my body to her perch on my shoulders . Most of the tunnels were well travel until late afternoon when we reached a large shaft . Inside was a pulley operated wooden elevator . Tolivar explained that it mostly used giant stone counter weights . I think we rose about a thousand feet before coming to a stop . Not even a hundred paces away was a second elevator that took us up another thousand feet . When we got off that elevator we stopped in a large room that looked like a common room and even had a stone fireplace . Of course they used coal they dumped into a basket beside it . The other dwarves busied themselves and Tolivar sat with Ellie and I . He cleared his throat , " A short walk from here is another lift that will take us up to the level where the goblins are . That set of tunnels extends out to just below the tree line off the trail that leads to the high pass . There are about five leagues of tunnels we will be searching so it is a good idea to be fresh when we start . " Little One and Charles both hopped off our laps and went exploring . It was an hour later that Little One scampered back and jumped into my lap , a few moments after that the supplies started arriving . That night I slept lightly with Ellie in my arms and my pistol in my hand . We were up early and ate before the dwarves finally decided it was time to start . She mewed and sat but I was not sure she would stay and shook my head as I moved to the front of the lift . When the lift came to a halt I brought the rifle up and looked through the scope . I nodded and gestured before moving forward . I watched as the dwarves set up a hasty position . I had studied the tunnel diagrams and moved forward slowly when the dwarves were ready . The plan had been to check and clear tunnels thought to be free of goblins . The first tunnel went deeper into the mountain before coming to an end . When we returned to the tunnel intersection I waited while they blocked it . The second tunnel was the same and then we started on the third . We had barely entered when I saw the goblins . Looking through my scope , I almost became sick as I saw them ripping another goblin apart and eating it . I stopped everyone and took a deep breath before taking aim . I fired until the magazine was empty and then changed it . That was when the goblins attacked . I fired rapidly and went through three magazines before they even got close . There were only a few left when I started on the next magazine and that was when the dwarves fired a volley of crossbow bolts . It was quiet after that and the dwarves started down the tunnel killing any wounded goblins . I replaced the used magazines with loaded ones from the shoulder bag . Ellie took the empties and made them disappear somewhere . We checked the tunnel carefully and I watched as the dwarves started removing the bodies . We still had four more tunnels to check . The one that exited out onto the pass was going to be the last one . After we finished checking and blocking the tunnel we moved back to the lift . We rested and drank water before eating bread rolls and cheese . Little One and Charles found a large rodent somewhere and were having a feast of their own while the dwarves laughed . Finally I stood and we headed for the next tunnel . I moved slowly scanning ahead of us with the scope . The group of goblins I found was small but almost seemed to smell us as I started shooting . I knew when we entered the next tunnel it would be different . I had a large group at extreme range rushing towards us . I started firing and changing magazines , I was on the fifth before the dwarves began using their crossbows . The bolt of lightning that exploded in their midst startled me but I kept firing . When I dropped the magazine the last goblin fell with three bolts in its chest . I reloaded the rifle and then placed full magazines in empty holders . Again Ellie made the empty magazines disappear . I shook my head , " do not lose those , I might need them later . " Slowly we checked the tunnel and then the dwarves started removing the bodies . I was almost tempted to ask what they did with them but Ellie must have read my mind . She leaned against me as we held our bond cats , " They have a system of cartiers waiting on the level below that take the bodies to a narrow cleft and dump them over a cliff . " I smiled as he turned to watch the other dwarves . When they finished we went to the lifts and descended slowly to the next level . It was a quiet evening as I cleaned my rifle and reloaded the empty magazines Ellie handed me with a small smile . Little One stayed close as I lay in bed with Ellie holding me . I woke to a crash and yelling . I rolled out of bed reaching for my rifle . I reached the doorway to see goblins fighting several dwarves in the common room . I killed one biting the shoulder of a nearby dwarf and Ellie shouted a spell that lit the room with bright light . I shot another across the room as it leaped toward the back of a dwarf already struggling with a goblin . Other dwarves rushed past as I shot a goblin off Tolivar . I moved into the room and shot goblins as I went past them . When it was over there were twenty goblins on the floor and two dwarves . I quickly went and dressed while Ellie and other dwarves began taking care of the wounded . I reloaded the magazine I had used and came back into the room . I kept firing as dwarves hurried into the hall . They knew better then to get between me and the goblins as I dropped the magazine and replaced it . They lined up and prepared their crossbows as I went through another magazine . The goblins finally started rushing towards us as I started on the third magazine . Of course by then there were only a few left . I nodded and walked towards the lift . It did not take long before the dwarves had the lift packed and ready . I knelt inside and used the scope as we began heading up . It was clear all the way to the next level . I led the way to the second tunnel and began to slowly move down it . This one was a little longer than the others . Somehow I was surprised when we did not find any goblins . We moved back to the lift and I watched the last tunnel as they began blocking the one we just came out of . Little One and Charles both appeared running from the last tunnel and I could hear a distant roaring . I glanced at Ellie before bringing the rifle up , " That was not a goblin . " I did not see anything for awhile and then they were rushing towards us from the bend over two hundred paces away . I started firing and went through a magazine and then a second and third . I started on the fourth when the larger bodies appeared behind the goblins . I concentrated on the goblins in front as I fired , " There are three bigger animals behind them . " I started firing again as the dwarves fired blindly down the tunnel . When the rifle locked back after the sixth magazine , I let it fall on its strap and pulled my pistol . I ignored the several goblins as I aimed at the closest drake . I shot it three times , twice in the chest and once through the head . I switched to the next drake as lightning exploded down the tunnel . I shot the second drake like I had the first and dropped my pistol to pull the sword over my shoulder . I side stepped and swung the sword to take the head from the third drake . Quiet came to the tunnel as I knelt to retrieve my pistol and wipe my sword clean . I replaced the magazine in the pistol and then the rifle . I kept watch and moved forward with the dwarves as they checked and killed any goblin still alive . When we reached the bend in the tunnel I shifted the rifle and came around the corner looking through the scope . The large creature was something I had never seen . It roared and the dwarves panicked and ran . It had to bend its neck as it lumber towards me . I knelt as I remembered Ellie telling me they had thick skins . I aimed at the throat and fired slowly . After six bullets it was still staggering towards me . It opened its mouth to roar again and I shot it through the mouth . Its head snapped back as it froze and then fell . It started jerking and twitching and I glanced back to see Ellie standing there wide eyed . I reached back to touch her and she shook herself , " I never thought I would see a troll or see one killed . " I moved forward around the twitching body and then started checking the rest of the tunnel . At the very end was a common room with a wide doorway . Ellie crossed to it and glanced out before looking back , " The troll must have chased the goblins and drakes in here . " I led her back through the tunnel until we reached the lift . We yelled down the shaft for ten minutes before we were answered . Even then it was a full lift that came up to get us . At first they did not believe I had killed the troll and then they had to creep down the tunnel to check . Finally there was jubilation before they began clearing the dead away while Ellie and I sat with our smug looking bond cats . When we finally made it back to my wagon the whole dwarf community was celebrating . No one had touched anything in my wagon and it was late when I pulled Ellie into bed and held her against me before closing my eyes . I spent the next three days replacing ammunition I had used . Ellie was very good at finding the supplies we needed and bargaining for them . When we led the team of horses out the gate there were dwarves that lined the way . As we walked we looked at the stunning colors of fall . Little One scampered out of a bush with Charles chasing her . She ran right up my body as Charles detoured to leap up into Ellie 's arms . Four days later we stopped early to camp beside the entrance into the dwarven tunnels . Ellie had purchased sacks of grain and I put feed bags on each horse before heading out to gather wood for a fire . Tiny light snow flakes began falling before I brought the first arm load of wood in . She glanced up and grinned , " We have company . " I grinned with Ellie and set the wood down . It was a nice evening but after eating it began to snow a little harder . Little One and Charles both grumbled about wet feet and went to hide in the wagon . I had moved a few warm furs to the bed a few days before when it began getting cooler at night . He stood and headed for the doorway without looking back . It was still snowing lightly the next morning as we headed towards the pass . It was not a blizzard but I knew it could get bad . I had Ellie sit in the driver 's seat of the wagon while I guided the horses . I was a little worried one of the horses might slip and break a leg but they seemed to do fine . Even the extra horses behind the wagon carrying more grain did okay . We stopped for a lunch under some tall pines . I made a small fire and smiled at her amazement when I made grill cheese sandwiches . Ellie walked with me during the afternoon . By the time we stopped for the night in a thick stand of evergreens it was snowing a little harder . Little One and Charles went out to explore while I gathered wood . We fed the horses grain warmed in a mash before cooking our own dinner . Ellie surprised me by walking around our camp and whispering a spell . She smiled and told me it was to ward off wild animals . We were just getting ready to climb into the wagon . The creature that stepped out surprised me . It was only two feet tall and covered in fur . Then I realized it was wearing a type of fur robe or overcoat . Ellie knelt , " How may we help little one ? " Ellie stood and moved back to the fire and added another few sticks . I sat on a fallen log and waited . She finally turned to face me , " They are Gnomes . Very timid and rarely seen . They normally live in heavy forests . " The others had gathered around and a younger female busied herself cooking . I sat beside Ellie as they ate and cleaned up before looking around . I smiled and stood to walk to the wagon . I pulled out a couple of bison skins I had been using on the floor . I laid one out and folded the other before walking out to look for what I needed . When I came in I was carrying several sticks . I pulled out some leather strings I had started collecting and made a dome shaped frame . I went to the fur and set the frame down and draped the second skin over it . I turned and bowed , " It should stay nice and warm . " I followed Ellie into the wagon and undressed before slipping in beside her . She shivered and held me tight as the blankets slowly warmed . Little One meowed and crawled under the blanket and then Ellie squeaked as Charles did the same against her back . I woke to Little One purring and kneading my chest . I pet her and rubbed her face as Ellie shifted and woke behind me . The two bond cats climbed out when we got up to dress . The chill made me wish for an electric heater . I dropped from the wagon and walked to where the fire had been but it was covered in snow and more still fell . I squatted and used a pine branch to brush some of the snow away before building another fire . Once it was going , I went to check the horses and feed them some grain . When I came back to the fire the gnomes were up and moving around . Ellie was beside the fire toasting bread and cheese . Little One and Charles were both being petting by the gnome children . He nodded and turned away . After breaking our fast , I harnessed the horses while Ellie helped the gnomes into the wagon . She rode on the wagon seat most of the time , talking to the gnomes . I was careful leading the horses on the snow covered trail . I was carrying my bow and managed to kill several rabbits along the way . I skinned them and cleaned them before handing them up to Ellie . I knew they would last a long time in this cold . She gave the skins to the gnomes who cleaned them as we traveled . We reached the highest part of the pass just before I decided to stop for the night . I picketed the horses in front of the wagon while Ellie and the gnomes started a fire beside it . After putting a blanket on each horse and fitting a feed bag over their heads I went to help Ellie . She smiled and stood to stretch before starting a walk around the camp with her staff . I left to gather wood for the fire as the gnomes pulled a bison fur under the wagon . I returned with my arms full of tree limbs and pulling a large heavy branch behind me . The gnomes had the tent I had made set up with another skin fitted over it . As we ate dinner the elder gnome man talked about switching the horses on the trail down . Putting four horses to pull if needed and the others behind the wagon to resist or act as brakes . I was a little surprised when Little One and Charles went into the gnome tent to sleep . Ellie shivered as I slipped into bed and held her . It was awhile before we warmed up from the chill of being in the snow all day . I woke in the middle of the night with Ellie shifting around . She whispered , " Something is near . " I slid out of bed ignoring the cold as I quickly dressed . I grabbed my rifle before climbing out of the wagon . I switched the thermal sight on and slowly turned as I looked through the scope . The small shape that appeared was familiar . Ellie touched my shoulder , " Do you need light ? " She blinked and turned to gesture . A globe of light sprang to life and we both saw the small huddled form in the snow . I shook my head as I started forward , " Wait here . " When I reached the drake it growled weakly . I knelt beside it and reached out to hold the neck before releasing my rifle and shifting closer . It was the size of a small dog and weighted even less . I used my other hand to turn it and then lift . It growled but did not pull away as I stood and held it against me . I do not know why but I headed back to the wagon and bed . I only took my gear off before climbing under the pile of furs and held the small drake against me . It shifted and growled a few times but it was not long before it was asleep . Ellie had climbed back in bed behind me and rubbed my back before snuggling close . I woke to the drake shifting around and lifted the furs to look at it . It sniffed but did not growl or bite which I thought was a good sign . I climbed out of bed thinking real hard about making a gas heater . After putting everything on , I dug out a fur skin and then reached in to lift the drake out . I tucked it into the fur before climbing out of the wagon . Of course it was still snowing and it took a little longer to get the fire going . I set one of the dead rabbits from yesterday beside the fire to thaw . Ellie climbed out to join me and then the gnomes came out . Of course the drake growled again but I just reached into the fur and rubbed it under the chin and it calmed down . The gnomes were a little hesitant but finally started moving around the fire to warm up . I gave the rabbit to the little drake and went to check and feed the horses . It was an interesting day , I carried the drake around with me and more than once Little One would meow from the wagon in displeasure . I left the drake with Ellie when I went out hunting at midday . Little One rode my shoulders and rubbed against my neck the whole time . I used my bow to kill the four rabbits I found instead of my rifle . Like the day before I skinned and cleaned them before handing them to Ellie . The drake rode in the wagon the rest of the day . I think it enjoyed the attention the gnomes gave it . There was an overhang beside the trail that had seen many fires . It was huge , more than large enough to put the horses in the back where someone had cleared all the rocks and made a crude fence . The wagon even fit under the edge and we sat by a cheerful fire that evening . I cut a rabbit up and we took turns tossing the pieces to the drake as I lay beside the fire . Ellie had walked along the edge of the overhang and done one of her spells to ward us from animals . I looked out into the snowy night and saw that it was snowing even harder . She leaned against me , " We start going down tomorrow . " She laughed and the drake looked up . She gestured and tossed the last piece of rabbit . The gnomes were almost cheerful as they said good night . When Ellie and I climbed into the wagon it was to see Little One and Charles curled around and on the young drake . Ellie smiled and murmured something that made the air in the wagon seem warm . I woke to wind shaking the wagon and glanced at Ellie still asleep . The two bond cats were still draped over the young drake and they all seemed to be purring . I shook my head and climbed out before dressing . As soon as I dropped to the ground I knew today was going to be bad . Snow fell thicker and the wind was blowing harder . I moved to the horses and was surprised to feel it warmer in their corral . I fed the horses and went back to start the fire . I put water on to boil and headed out into the storm to try to find more wood . I moved along the cliff face and had not gone very far before I came to a huge wind fall of branches . The old gnome woman nodded as she started making their breakfast . I stood and went to bring a rabbit body back to the edge of the fire so it would thaw out . I looked into the back of the wagon to see Ellie tickling the drake , " I am going out to hunt . " She nodded and sat up as I turned away . I grabbed my bow and headed into the falling snow . I was a little surprised at how many rabbits I found . When I returned to camp it was with six fat plump rabbits . I had already skinned and cleaned them and hung all but two on the outside of the wagon . Beside the fire Ellie took the rabbits , " I was thinking of a nice stew . " I grinned and stood up to take the heavy coat off before moving to the wagon . I hunted around until I found the roots and the small jars of preserved vegetables . I pulled out the large pot and carried everything back to the fire . It was a slow day of watching the heavy snow fall . I did go out several times to bring the rest of the dead fall back to the overhang . I woke the next morning to a sense of calm , the snow had stopped falling . It was a little different going down the other side of the pass with some of the horses behind the wagon to slow it down . I went out hunting at noon when we took a break . I used my bow again and had both rabbits and what I thought were grouse when I came back . Almost from the moment we started moving again it started snowing . It started off light but quickly grew heavier . I knew we were in trouble when I could not see the wagon from the lead horse . I stopped and went back to pull out my thermal scope and push Ellie up onto the wagon with both bond cats . The hours crawled by as we followed the trail with me using the thermal scope to see the way . It was just after dark before I saw the cliff beside the trail disappear leaving the wind and snow behind . I led the horses into the huge cave and Ellie dropped off the wagon as she brought light into the cave . Right away I saw the cave had been used as a way point , it even had a corral and small stone hut . With cold , shaking fingers I unharnessed the horses and put them in the corral . Ellie had found wood and started a large fire in front of the hut . I fed the horses a double measure of feed and started rubbing them down . By the time I finished Ellie and the gnomes had a tasty dinner ready . The glow Ellie had made faded as I sat and held my hands out to the fire . The gnomes looked at me with respect but it was Little One that warmed me by just crawling from my shoulder down into my shirt . I shivered as her small furry body vibrated and began warming me . The drake even crawled into my lap and Ellie grinned . I finally relaxed and scratched the drake under the chin as Ellie passed bowls of rabbit stew out . I ate while Ellie pulled everything out for the gnomes and set up some protective spells . After feeding the drake I headed to bed , I was worn out from fighting my way through the storm . I blinked awake and glanced back at Ellie before slipping out of bed . Both the bond cats were missing as well as the drake . One glance at the gnomes tent told me where they were . I went to check the horses and feed them before building the fire up . I went to the mouth of the cave to see that it had stopped snowing . The day actually went smoothly and just before I was ready to call it a day , another larger overhang appeared . Four days later we walk off the last hill in the trail and entered a thick evergreen forest . I pulled the horses to a stopped and helped Ellie unload everything of the gnomes . It was two days later that we heard the sound of fighting . I wanted to have Ellie wait but she jumped from the wagon to the light dusting of snow . I tied the horses and pulled up my rifle as we moved forward . We came around a tree with drooping limbs to see a small clearing . In the center of the clearing were six men fighting back to back against five times as many orcs . I knelt and started shooting while Ellie watched behind us . When I changed the magazine all the orcs were dead or dying . I stood and we moved forward , the men turned out to be elves and they were all wounded in one way or another . Ellie stayed and I went back to bring the wagon closer . Ellie did what she could and we put the elves in the wagon before I led the horses back to the trail . As we walked I thought about the orcs . Ellie gestured to one side and I followed her lead and turned the horses . It was not long before we came to an old set of ruins . I took one look before working the wagon through into a walled courtyard . I began setting up the camp as Ellie helped the elves out of the wagon . One of them glanced at me , " more orcs will come . That was only a small advance party . " She smiled and did something that made her staff appear . A few minutes later the ground shook slightly and loose stones started flowing across the ground to fill the entrance . I unhitched the horses while she helped the rangers . There was a large tower in one corner with the top broken off and collapsed in on itself . I checked it and there was no way in but through the one doorway . It was barely large enough to hold the horses and Ellie helped me move them in . There was one set of broken stairs on the wall by the entrance and I went up . After checking I returned and helped Ellie moved the elves to the doorway of the broken tower . I pulled out my pack and a few more magazines before moving back to the tower doorway and setting the pack down . I went back up on the wall and knelt to wait . Every time I glanced back Ellie was always watching . It was almost three hours before they surged out of the forest in one huge wave . I did not even hesitate as I started firing . I went through four magazines before I turned to move down the stairs . I backed towards the tower as the orcs started coming over the wall . I started picking them off as fast as they appeared . I knelt when I reached the tower and continued to kill orcs . Now they were dropping to the ground and rushed towards me . I was going through magazines quickly , one shot , one kill . Finally the slide locked back , I yanked the sling off and pulled my sword as I let the rifle drop . I moved forward into the rushing orcs and began killing them as I danced an unforgettable dance . My world narrowed to slash , step , block , slide , lunge , whirl , cut , shift , stab , block , step … It went on and on until there were no more orcs attacking . I sighed and knelt as the fatigue I had pushed away returned . Ellie was suddenly there and kneeling to hold me , " Are you hurt my love ? " I shook my head as I began picking up the dropped magazines . I walked to the wagon as the elves began the task of dragging the orcs to one side . Ellie pulled out supplies to fix dinner as I set the pack down and started undressing . Ellie gestured to one side , " Throw the clothes there and I will see if I can get the blood out . " I nodded and finished before taking a clean rag that was offered . I used water from the barrel on the side of the wagon and started washing . One by one the elves moved to copy what I was doing . We were eating when something made me turn my head towards a wall . I rolled to my feet as my pistol came up and fired . The orc standing on the wall fall back . I was carrying eight spare magazines for the pistol , each with ten rounds . We did not have long to wait as suddenly the orcs were spilling over the wall and rushing towards me . I made every shot count and went through the magazines quickly . The elves helped by using bows and even more orcs fell . Finally there were only a couple left as the slide locked back and I dropped it into the holster and reached for my sword . I did not have to touch it as several arrows from the elves took the orcs . I was quiet as the dim light showed the carnage . I headed straight for the wagon and pulled out all the ammo I had as well as my old rifle and vest . She nodded and I went back to loading the magazines . I gestured to one of the elves and showed him how to load the magazines . We were almost done when movement on the wall had me turning , the rifle snapped to my shoulder and I fired . It was a good thing I had thought to add the thermal scope . My shots were deliberate , fire , shift fire shift … Ellie shifted and summoned another one of her lights . It helped but I did not let it distract me . When the orc suddenly dropped from the tower above us , I tilted the barrel and shot through his head before going back to shooting at the ones trying to rush across the bodies in front of us . Another elf knelt and hesitantly reached for my old rifle . I only glanced at him before continuing to fire , " On the left side is a small lever . Turn it until it clicks once . The magazine only holds thirty rounds . On the right side is a button to release the old magazine . " It did not take him long to learn and then the orcs were dying much faster . Another orc dropped from above and a small bolt slammed into his chest before I could kill it . The elf beside me managed to keep reloading the magazines as I emptied them . As suddenly as it started , it was over . I looked around and started reloading only to have my hands pushed away , " Rest . " I sighed and pulled my pistol and started showing the elf that had been using my old rifle how to load and use it . Little One and Charles both scampered across the bloody ground to rub against Ellie and I . When they came again it was with a rush as one just dropped from above to land in front of me . He jerked as the pistol exploded twice and it fell back . Ellie created her spell light and I was back to firing as orcs flowed over the wall . My old rifle was empty within a few minutes and as I dropped the fifth magazine the pistol locked back for the last time . I was on the second to last magazine when the orcs stopped coming over the wall . I stood and gathered everything up , " Time to go . " Ellie 's spell to remove the stones blocking the entrance caused them to explode out , clearing the way . The elves were miracle workers with the horses and had them harnessed in no time . I put Little One and Charles in the wagon with the elves and helped Ellie up onto the seat . I hesitated before stripping to just pants with my sword over my shoulder . I led the horses out and pulled on the lead horse harness to guide him through the darkness . I turned at the narrow trail and started to trot , pulling the horses with me . My eyes had adjusted enough to let me see the trail ahead . The single orc that appeared in front of me died as I did not even slow . I brought the sword around and through his neck . I kept the pace down to keep the horses fresh as long as possible . Many people do not know a man can actually run a horse to death . It was hours later that I slowed to a walk . The horses were covered in sweat and were breathing hard . The air around us was growing lighter as the sun began to rise . We had entered a huge clearing in the forest and as it grew lighter I saw the walls of a large town or small city . I continued to walk the tired horses towards the city walls and gradually the gates appeared . The group of guards at the gate challenged me and one of the elves dropped out of the wagon . The gate was opened quickly and the elf met the man that appeared . They whispered and then the gates were thrown open . Just inside the gate and to the right was a huge corral . Several men came to help the elves and Ellie and I were left to tend our horses . When we finally had them cooled down and fed Ellie pushed me towards the wagon , " Wash and get some sleep . " I began pulling out everything to make more bullets and Ellie quietly helped me . Little One and Charles disappeared and I got the impressions she was hunting . We had a few of the city guards watching us but none came near . Several elves I did not know left through the gates but most of the foresters were turned back . I laughed and took her hand . We stayed in Wood Haven for over a week while I made more ammunition for both rifles and my pistol . The town had gradually gone back to normal since the reports the elves brought back were all good . When we left , it was with two traders going the same way . Little One had a following when we left and seemed satisfied with herself . Charles also seemed satisfied and Ellie kept looking at him as he groomed himself . She finally put her arm through mine as we walked beside our lead horses , " I think the two of them were up to a little deviltry . " It was late afternoon when the large stag broke through the brush and froze as it stared at us . I had been carrying my bow in case I saw a rabbit and brought it up . I released just before the stag turned to flee and the large deer dropped suddenly . The two traders were upset about stopping and Ellie just waved them on , " We do not need to share what we kill . " I grinned but did not stop what I was doing . After I had clean and dressed the deer Ellie helped hang it in the back of the wagon . We started off again and I was not surprised to find the merchants waiting a little way down the trail . The thick forest reminded me of stories of wolves and fleeting glimpses from the corner of my eye did not help . We fell in behind the other two wagons and I tried to keep watch . The wolves seemed to follow us but kept their distance . There was a wide clearing we came to in the late afternoon and the traders swung their wagons around . After I placed our wagon in the gap all the horses were brought into the center . The traders whispered and looked worried as we made camp . I started a fire between the back of two wagons after walking out in the forest for wood . The wolves had kept their distance but continued to watch us . I made the cats stay in the wagon and just before it got dark the wolves moved to the very edge of the forest . I do not know why but it had just felt like that was what they had been waiting for . Several large wolves stood and padded out to sit before me . I waited and one turned its head to look back into the forest . It almost felt like he wanted me to go that way . I shook my head , " Not in the dark . " It turned and walked into the dark forest . I went back with Ellie and tried to relax . I knew the wolves were watching and I doubted they would attack . I set my mental alarm and leaned back against the wheel of the wagon . My eyes snapped open and I caressed Ellie to wake her before slipping out from under the light blanket . I checked the horses as it gradually began to get lighter . I moved them out and harnessed them while Ellie spoke to the traders . When I stared leading the horses towards the forest a wolf appeared to guide us . They picked the best way and we never had to worry about becoming stuck . It was several hours before the other wolves closed in which made the horses nervous . The wolves moved around until they were down wind but something else made the horses snort and jerk against their harness . The first ghoul that appeared made my stomach turn . Its flesh was rotting off and the stench was almost overpowering . I did not hesitate to shoot it through the head but Ellie quickly moved forward to whisper one of her spells . After I had shot it , it had dropped but lay twitching . When Ellie put her spell on it , it burst into flames . She watched as it flared and turned to dust and turned to me white faced , " This is not good . There will be more and not just men . Anything that is bitten will change . " I moved forward carefully and barely left the wagon before several dead ghoul animals staggered out of the brush . I shot a bobcat in the head and then two squirrels and a fox . They lay twitching and I moved back to the wagon and Ellie , " Animals . " I watched her slowly walk around the wagon and horses , going from tree to tree . I glanced at the wolves , " I will need you to stay with us as we hunt the ghouls . Just growl or make a sound and look towards any ghouls you see , hear or smell . " The leader nodded his head and growled before looking towards the dead animals I had shot . I blinked as I saw them crawling towards us . One round in each brought an instant flare and fire . The fire did not spread though , which was good . Ellie finally joined me and I looked at the wolves , " lead the way but stay with us . " The leader nodded and looked at the other wolves . They all laid down except a large grey bitch that moved up beside him . They walked forward and Ellie and I followed . It was not long before we saw more ghouls . The wolf growled and pointed through the trees and I followed his look to a small group of animals eating another animal . I checked around us as one of the ghouls lifted its bloody face . I brought the rifle up and began firing . I waited as their bodies burned and the bitch growled . I looked to the side where she was looking and spun to fire at the three Goblins stumbling towards us . Another look around and then we were being led deeper into the forest . We kept coming across small groups of animals , seeing babies was what made it hard for me . Ellie whispered that when we reached the main group every ghoul would come for us even those further away . The small clearing was where we found the main group . They were feeding on what looked like a dead horse . There were goblins and all kinds of other animals including a few wolves . There was even a couple of humans and elves . I started firing as Ellie kept watched around us with the wolves . I moved further into the clearing as I changed the magazine . More ghouls stumbled out of the forest and towards us . I killed the last ghoul in the clearing and turned to start on those closing on us from the forest . Some of the larger ghouls kept walking after they were shot and continued to burn . The pack leader and his bitch were snarling and growling at the ghouls but did not leave our side as I kept killing them . After a third change of magazine it was down to a waiting game for the ghouls that had been further away to reach us . Finally it was late afternoon before we stopped . No ghoul had come out for over an hour . I looked at the pack leader , " Are there any more ? " We walked back to the wagon and horses to find them where we left them . Little One and Charles were on the seat and looked at us calmly . I nodded to the wolves , " you should move away for awhile . " We made it to the trail and made camp . The following week seemed to go smoothly even if we were traveling alone . We met a couple of woodsmen on the far edge of the forest and I was surprised to see them planting new trees . The areas on each side of the trail turned into fields with cattle . The next day they turned into large fields of grain . There was a large caravan area where we could set up camp . Little One and Charles both disappeared before we were finished . Ellie linked her arm in mine , " Shopping ? " Kendal was a city of tall spiraling towers and bright colors . I bought several bolts of thick wool . Bright blue , dark and light green , pale yellow and dark blood red . We bought food for dinner and returned to our camp . Ellie frowned when she removed the ward , " Someone tried to enter my wards . " I looked at her and then looked around . The only ones I saw were the gate guards that sneered as they looked at us . I nodded and we put the bolts of cloth away before starting dinner . Little One and Charles returned looking smug and I grinned , " I think they found trouble and got away with it . " Ellie laughed and it was just after dinner that trouble came in the form of a city official and a guard captain . We had cleaned up and were sitting together talking about what we were going to need . The two men stopped close to us as if they were trying to intimidate us . The official sneered and looked at the guard captain who had his hand on his dagger . I smiled , " Let me put it another way . Why should I not kill you both now ? " They dropped to their knees to beg and we waited . I finally shook my head and put my pistol away , " fine your lives are our bond . Leave and do not come back . " I glanced at the captain when he stopped to yell at his guards as the official hurried into the city . I sighed and went to pull out the super long . I slipped the vest on and turned as a large group of guards started walking towards us with drawn swords . I glanced at Ellie and she shook her head , " We need to go see the council . " She was grim faced as she walked beside me . The streets emptied quickly as we walked through them . The large square where the city courts were was empty . We walked across and through the large double doors . Two men turned as we entered the hall and Ellie gestured and said something that made them stop moving . We walked past them and opened the huge double doors . The room was huge with a heavy table at the other end . The official from our camp turned and his face went white . A large fat man stood , " How dare you ! " I shook my head and shot him twice in the chest before turning to the men . They had stopped walking as they realized I was more dangerous then they thought . I gestured to the floor , " On your knees . " One pulled a dagger and I shook my head and shot him . The others went to their knees quickly as Ellie murmured a spell that made the room echo . I looked at the men remaining around the table , " You are leaving this city . I will walk you out and if you even breath wrong I will kill you . You will not return because if you do I will be waiting . " I gestured and Ellie unsealed the room as I started walking them out . People were standing in doorways and looking out windows as we walked the group through the streets and out the gate . I gestured to the road , " do not return . " That was not as hard as we expected . We walked back towards the big city court building . We sat on the steps to wait and talk . It was only an hour before several citizens came into the square hesitantly . I let Ellie talk to them and they were surprised when she said they needed to decide who would take control of the city . Within another hour the large square was full of people . We managed to slip away to our camp . It was dark out as Ellie set the wards and we lay together . I was thinking the ones that had been in charge might try something . I was up before dawn and made a small fire to heat water for coffee . The attack came from the field side of the caravan area . There were two dozen men rushing towards me with several shooting arrows . I rolled to the side but the wards stopped the arrows . I pulled my pistol and started shooting . A thick bolt of lightning flashed out to strike several men . I changed magazines and killed the last three men before looking at the archers who had thrown down their bows to run . Something seemed to snatch them off their feet and slam them to the ground . They screamed as the ground opened and they fell in before it closed . I changed magazines before going to check the other men . It was an hour before several armed people from the city came out the gate . I let Ellie talk to them as I finished making breakfast . I nodded and went to check the horses and the harness . Ellie was relaxing in the wagon singing as she cut and began sewing a new dress . I was mending a torn harness when the cart and several of the new guards came back . I paid them after making them tell me how much it had cost . They actually grinned and left happy as I started putting some of the things away . Ellie took over and pushed me towards the supplies I had needed to make more bullets . We spent the day together and every once in a while someone would come to the camp . Ellie was the one they talked to and they always left in a better mood . It was after dinner before I was finished and sat down beside her . I just looked at her and she shook her head , " Sorry . Burrowers are light sensitive leach worms that live underground and come up at night to feed . They can grow to almost nine feet in length and are always found in groups that can number in the thousands . Vibrations on the ground tell them where their prey is . " I smiled and let Little One go as she wiggled off my lap . I cleaned up and put everything away before climbing into the wagon . Ellie slipped in a minute later and put her new sewing supplies away . She laid beside me and caressed my chest , " They told me large groups of Orcs were gathering to the north and west . " We started early , I walked beside the lead horses as Ellie sat on the wagon and worked on her new dress . Little One and Charles seemed content to ride in back and sleep . The farms we passed were well kept and they waved at us . We stopped beside a wide fast moving stream and I decided to fish for dinner . Ellie thought I was crazy since it was cold but sat on the bank and watched . I hooked a huge fish and backed towards the bank as I fought it . She was jumping up and down clapping as I kept fighting the fish . I glanced at her and almost dropped the rod . An old man was standing behind her watching me curiously . I gestured and Ellie turned as I backed out more and finally lifted the fish and walked ashore . The old man 's eyes were shining as he looked at the two foot long fish . He glanced at me finally , " That looked fun . " I started showing him what to do and a moment later he took off his old worn boots and waded into the stream . Beginners luck was with him because within seconds a huge fish exploded out of the water as it took the fly . He yanked the pole back and started reeling as I tried to calmly remind him what to do . It was a quarter hour before he brought the fish ashore . I showed him how to clean it and then led him to the fire . I filleted the two fish and seasoned them before starting to grill them . Ellie was skeptical but made flat bread and pulled out a small wheel of cheese . Both Charles and Little One had devoured the parts of fish I had tossed to them . While we ate dinner we talked and I found out Chris ( the old man ) was returning to the area with the burrowers . He grinned at us , " I built houses along the way on stone pillars to stay off the ground and away from burrowers . Burrowers are good for the soil , I farm the valley and they kept the pests away from my crop . " Ellie shuddered but I pointed to the two fillets she had eaten . She actually grinned before sticking her tongue out . Chris laughed and we talked about the rumors of orcs . He snorted , " they be dumb , if they come around my farm they will just be more worm food . " Ellie nodded and then stood to stretch . She climbed into the wagon as I stood and said good night . Chris just rolled out a bed roll and laid back to watch the stars . Little One and Charles both crawled onto us when we laid down and started purring as we pet them and whispered to each other . I was up early but Chris already had the fire going . I heated water for porridge and coffee before checking the horses and harnessing them . I glanced at him when I was done , " What about horses ? " I smiled as Little One started purring and Ellie grinned as she bent to lift Charles . He had decided that if Little One was getting attention he should have it too . I let my super long hang as I carried the bow and started looking for targets to practice on . I thought these houses on pillars were only a few feet above ground . When we turned off the road in the late afternoon it was to see a house twenty feet above the ground . The stalls beside the house turned out to be small barn like sheds and not small stalls . It was more like the house was part of the barn . He was right about getting the horses to climb the ramps though . We had to blindfold them to get them to do it . The houses were black with slate grey wooden boards . There was not a stove , just a central stone fireplace . We carried bedding up the ramp with what we needed for dinner . Chris grinned as Ellie started making dinner , " Burrowers are mostly drawn to movement and sound so the wagon should be fine . " As it began to get dark I went out to see if any Burrowers would come up . Ellie and Chris came to stand with me and Chris pointed down close to one pillar , " see the ground moving ? I buried the Pillars deep and solid so they can not move them but they can sense us here . " Chris snorted and Ellie bent to lift Charles into her arms . I woke often during the night and each time I looked for the cats before walking out and looking around . A week later we walked down into a wide beautiful green valley with a river running through the middle . His house was in a large grove of trees beside the river . The house was twenty feet in the air with a wide barn connected to it . A women met us as we came near and Chris embraced her before turning to us , " My wife , Natalia . " They helped move our horses up into his barn and then our sleeping things . I sat on the wide porch with Little One in my lap as the sun set . Chris sat beside me and pointed towards a field , " dumb orcs are going to end up as Burrower food . " I watched in the dim light as the orcs suddenly yelled and jumped around before starting to scream . It went on for a few more minutes before it became quiet . I glanced towards Chris , " the orcs do not come up through the trees ? " I used the thermal scope and saw a few orcs running through the trees towards us . I sighed and began firing . One after another they dropped and something started jerking the bodies around . Chris moved towards the door , " Those dumb orcs have the Burrowers in a feeding frenzy . " I looked at him as he went into the house and went back to killing the few orcs that came into sight . The screaming continued in the distance and seemed to grow as if from a lot more orcs . Ellie knelt beside me , " Chris had his wife put out the lights . What do you see ? " She was silent as I killed a couple more orcs before they stopped coming . It was an hour before the screams stopped . I kept watch from the chair but no more orcs entered the trees . Chris sat beside me and sighed , " sleep and I will wake you in a few hours . " I smiled and glanced at him before going in . Ellie was sitting with Natalia talking quietly beside the embers from the fire . I stretched out and pet Little One before relaxing . I woke to a touch on my foot and looked at Chris , " More orcs . " I sighed and moved the cat off me before standing and walking back to the porch . There were more screams but they were further away . Chris sat , " Sounds like down by the narrows . " I sat beside him and leaned back before using my scope . I relaxed and we just listened to the mayhem down the river . It finally quieted and Chris sighed , " you better wait until the sun is well up before going down . " I nodded and leaned back to relax . As the sun began to rise I was able to see the carnage from the few orcs in the trees . I went in and woke Ellie and went to check the horses . The sun was well up when I finally started leading the horses down the ramp . None of the Burrowers had bothered the wagon and everything seemed calm . Chris gave us directions to a sheltered cave on the other side of the valley . He said it had a rock floor so we would be safe . When we walked out of the trees it was to a scene of slaughter . We went up river to a crossing and waded across . Ellie kept Little One and Charles on the wagon the whole day as she silently watched the valley . I smiled smugly , " you go fishing . Use a tree or rock cliff . Throw bait out and drag it . Have a strong hook in the bait and when they take it . . . " Ellie laughed and slapped my shoulder . It was almost lonely walking across the lush valley with no animals moving . I glanced at her , " Maybe you are right . Someone should run trap lines and start killing the burrowers . " Ellie grinned and took my hand as we walked . It was noon when we walked past the cave and stopped to look . It was in a low stone bluff and more of a wide crack in the stoneface with a trickle of water . Ellie did something to sweep the rocks on the floor to the side and made a stone circle for the fire . I checked inside deeper and found a large space to put the horses and we started unloading . I soaked some of the smoked meat we had in the water before taking a walk with Ellie . As it started to get dark I moved the horses in and Ellie made sure Charles and Little One were on our bedrolls . I had cut a long thick sapling and made a barbed hook to use with some cord . I threw rocks until I heard something and looked through my night scope to see burrowers . I put a small hunk of meat on the hook and threw it out before slowly dragging it back . I barely started pulling when a burrower grabbed it and the fight was on . Ellie was jumping up and down as I slowly backed into the cave and pulled the burrower in . It was fatter then I thought it would be and longer . It was easily eight inches thick and maybe ten feet long . Once it was on the stone floor of the cave and I had a clear look at it I grabbed the camp hatchet and moved to cut the wide head off . It almost looked like something from a movie with dozens of spines sticking out . I began cleaning and skinning it and Ellie reluctantly took the meat to broil it in our fire . I took the remains and tossed most of it after putting the hook through some . I did not get a chance to pull it back as another burrower grabbed it . I was surprised but yanked the sapling rod back and then started walking backwards . Chris was right , burrower did taste good and Ellie could only shake her head and grin after eating her fill . I caught ten before stopping and going to bed . I woke to the dawn light and Little One on my chest . I pet her before getting up and starting the fire . I cut up one of the burrowers to grill for breakfast and let Charles and Little One eat some raw . After the sun was well up I led the horses out and harnessed them to the wagon . Ellie helped and then we were walking along the old trail . It was several hours before we came to the gap through the hills . There were a lot of torn apart remains and a few wagons outside the gap where people had tried to camp . We looked through the wagons and ended up with a few more things . Ellie did something to carve a warning into a large boulder as well as directions to the cave . The floor of the gap was thick with several layers of stone . After we came out on the other side we headed towards a distant column of smoke . We walked into the stone walled town and I smiled when I saw all the Dwarves . The caravan yards were on the other side of the town beside a wide stream . I unharnessed the horses and turned them loose before Ellie took my hand and we walked back into the town . The dwarves seemed to go out of their way to avoid us . We bought a few supplies and went back to the wagon . I was inside putting things away and pulling out the clothes we needed to wash . The wagon creaked and I held still as there was a loud groan . I turned to climb out and there was a loud crack and the wagon lurched . I tumbled out and rolled before turning to look at the sagging wagon . Ellie turned from the horses and walked to me as I moved to the wagon . I knelt and looked under the back to see the axle snapped . The whole area around the springs on the left rear was rotten and the supports had cracks . I sighed , " great . " I sat back and looked at her as she grinned . The blacksmith growled as he came to look at the wagon before saying he could fix it . I let Ellie bargain with him as I began unloading the wagon . The blacksmith and several helpers returned as I was pulling out my fishing rod and putting it together . Ellie had organized everything from the wagon and made us a place to sleep . The blacksmith watched as I looked towards the stream and started walking . The fish were large and seemed more than eager to bite . I was enjoying myself and threw several back before keeping two and cleaning them . He glanced at the stream and then at me , " we had word passed about a man . He is a fierce warrior and surprisingly they say he is a good smith . He also taught some of our cousins to . . . fish ? " I held up the fishing pole , " by fishing for them . Use strong cord and meat as bait . Since you are dwarves you know about rock . Make a stone platform out of blocks or use poles to make a platform well above the ground . Throw rocks out until burrowers come near and then use the bait and cord . Pull the burrower up onto the platform and cut off the head . Use its guts as more bait for the next one . " I looked at him as he stared and suddenly started laughing and slapping his legs . I glanced at Ellie and she grinned and shook her head . It was a minute before the dwarf stopped laughing and grinned , " that would be the fun way to hunt them . " I grinned and shook my head before pulling her close . I was a little worried about Burrowers but Ellie tapped the huge piece of slat our bed was on and pointed out nothing had bothered the dwarves animals . I was up early while she slept in with the two cats for company . I thought I might catch a few fish and smoke them to see how it would turn out . I dressed and took a small pack besides the super long and my pistol . The dwarves had moved quickly and I had to trot to catch them in the gap . They had several heavily laden wagons and carried long poles . A few hours later we came out and the dwarves shook their heads at the remains before moving passed them . The next thing I knew they were all busy leveling an area . I set my pack aside and went to find a good sapling before I started helping . Almost as soon as a wagon was unloaded it headed back through the gap . Thick flat stones were fitted together with a type of mortar or cement and slowly the large area was covered . I still was not sure it would be safe as the sun headed for the horizon . A second set of wagons appeared as the dwarves started another layer on top of the first . A dozen stayed after the wagons left and I brought my pack to the center where several had stacked wood for a fire . As it started to get dark I realized they had not brought any meat for bait and sighed . I ran towards the wreckage of the closest wagon and dug through it for rags . When I was back on the stones I wrapped them and tied a heavy hook to it . I was using a strong cord and squatted close to the edge as the dwarves grumbled and glanced back , " if you start the fire I will catch the first one . " I had added a stone in the middle of the bundle and started tossing it out and dragging it back as a few of the dwarves came closer to watch . The first burrower was a surprise and grabbed the bundle before the sun had set completely . I yanked and the fight was on . It was not like fishing since the burrower could only pull and fight from the hole it was in . After it was dead I cleaned it and cut it into chunks to be cooked before using its head and guts as bait . The dwarves were jumping up and down each time they caught one and yelled and laughed . I moved to the fire and ate burrower and pulled out my pipe and watched the dwarves . Greg was laughing when he walked to me and squatted down , " this is fun . " By the time the sun was rising they had caught dozens and were talking about methods to smoke or cure the meat . We started walking back through the gap and the dwarves kept talking . It was past noon when we walked out of the gap and headed towards the town . When I walked into the camp we had made , it was to see Ellie with a dozen dwarven maidens sewing dresses . I grinned and went to collect my things and pet and caress Little One when she came to see me , the water was cold but refreshing . I knew the dwarves would be going to cut more stone to make the stone platform larger . I spent the day with Ellie and we settled into bed holding each other and looking up at the stars . I snapped awake to a horn and rolled to my feet . I looked towards the town to see the thick gates closing . I quickly dressed with Ellie and a few minutes later heard more horns and yells . I saw something coming around the town wall and knelt as I used the night sight on my super long . I almost cursed , " orcs . " I began shooting as more swarmed around the wall and started moving towards us . I kept changing magazines as Ellie cast a light spell into the sky above us and then lightning into the rushing orcs . I was down to the last magazine when the town gates crashed open and dwarves poured out with curved axes . I shifted and brought my sword across to take an orcs head before stabbing another . It was not long before the dwarves fought beside me as I slowly moved forward and killed orcs until my hands and arms were red with their blood . Finally the last few were running away and we stopped to catch our breath and check the wounded . Luckily the dwarves wore thick leather chest armor and bronze bracers so there were few serious wounds and Ellie helped with those . It was awhile before things calmed and they told us the orcs had come through the pass . I shook my head and told them about what had happened in the valley . We dressed as the blacksmith and dozens of others came to watch . They had not just fixed the old wagon , they had made a whole new one with two types of springs and wider wheels and a step to climb into the back . The wagon had tall sides with poles that made a frame for the top . I turned to thank the blacksmith and he grinned and bowed , " our gift to repay you . " Ellie went to him and kissed his cheek before the rest came wish us well . The inside was designed perfectly and our things seemed to fit into place with ease . The horses were as ready to leave as we were and started off at a strong walk . I held Little One as Ellie held Charles when we waded across the stream . Every few days I managed to kill a deer or antelope as we came out of the hills and down onto a lightly wooded plain . We moved through the plain easily following an old trail that gradually widened into a road . Several times we found large farmsteads that had been destroyed but the tracks always led away to the north . Ellie was silent each time we found the farmsteads . It was a week before we walked around a thick stand of woods and saw the small city , it had high walls and towers . The city was across a wide , deep river rushing through it . We went through the gate and the way led to the left and around towards the stream . Ruin and wreckage was scattered everywhere and the stench of death was almost over powering . We were almost to a body strewn bridge when three orcs emerged from a building . There was no hesitation , my rifle came up and I shot the first in the chest and then the second . The third turned to run and I put a bullet through the back of its head . Ellie went to look in the wagon as we reached the bridge and started across . I could see tall wooden gates on the other side of the bridge with what looked like hundreds of orc bodies . The horses resisted going closer but I kept pulling until they followed . I finally had to stop and pull bodies aside before we could move forward . I could see men above the gate on each side . When Ellie made a noise I turned to see a half dozen orcs trotting towards us . I knelt and started with the ones behind and worked my way up to the last one as it got close to the wagon . I put a single bullet through each orc 's head and stood when I was done . I went back to moving bodies and a second later the gate opened and a dozen men came out to help . When it was clear Ellie led the horses through the gate as I fell in behind . One of the men , a tall wide shouldered man walked with me , " I do not know how you made it through . " She nodded and we collected Little One and Charles before heading back to the gate blocking the bridge . From the wall beside the gate we could see into the city as orcs moved around . I finally gave Little One to Ellie and aimed the supper long before squeezing the trigger . There was the crack of the bullet as one of the orcs head exploded . I nodded and began slowly picking targets . More orcs appeared to see what the noise was but they did not seem to connect the sound with them dying or with us . Ellie snorted , " so gorged they can not think . " Ellie grinned and turned to climb down . She was back thirty minutes later and there was already a hundred orcs across the bridge looking towards us . She helped load magazines from the bullets in the wooden box . It took ten rounds before they began to understand that the sound and the dying orcs were caused by something we were doing . I bent to lift the box and the man began calling to people as we went back to our wagon . I was thinking of our trip through the forest and sighed . After putting the ammo away I started harnessing the horses while Ellie packed everything away . People began joining us until the man by the gate pushed through , " this is everyone . " I shook my head , the city must have had a few thousand people but there was maybe a few hundred here . I bent to pick up Little One and set her on the wagon seat with Charles before moving to lead the horses towards a gate in the outer wall . I glanced back a few minutes later to see Ellie lifting small children and putting them in the wagon . I stopped for breaks every hour to let people rest . When I stopped at midnight men and women moved together to lay down . I unharnessed the horses and let them rest as I brushed them before laying with Ellie to watch the night sky . The next day was more of the same except a few men ranged ahead to hunt and scout . We stopped after dark and built a few fires to cook on before putting them out . Noon of the next day we walked over a low ridge and saw the large city of Calef . There was a high solid looking cliff behind the city with a wide river flowing through it . The outer walls were at least fifty feet tall with many crenels and arrow slits . There were people working in the fields and they stopped to watch as we passed . At the gates Ellie had me stop while the small children were lifted out of the back . I smiled when we went through the gate to see a second curtain wall inside the first . We went through the second wall and Ellie started leading me through the streets . After stopping and putting the horses on leads Ellie took my hand and started climbing towards the cliff . When we reached the cliff she grinned and pointed to glyphs carved in a wide arch . I looked and she grinned , " an illusion . " She touched the cliff under the arch and suddenly a set of tall , wide doors replaced the granite of the cliff . She grinned and pushed on one side , it opened slowly and she led me in , " I had a mage build this when he was still here . Of course I made a large house for him where I was so we are even . " She pulled me after her to the left and through another doorway with steps that led up . Above was several floors with large bedrooms , each with a small fireplace and fire as well as a bathing room . We returned to the wagon and started moving everything but stopped to make dinner and eat . We were sitting together on a couch when there was a knock on the door . Several older men stood looking anxious when I opened the door and gestured them in . I led them back to the fireplace where Ellie was waiting and sat beside her , " you need something ? " After they left we climbed the stairs to a large chamber with a big bed . There were several narrow deep slits in the wall to let in the night air . Somehow Little One and Charles had found their way and were already stretched out across the bed . As I lay holding Ellie I was thinking and knew I could not make enough weapons to stop a whole army . I had dozens of ideas that I discarded as fast as they came . I was up early and dressed before I left and walked across the city after feeding the horses . The guards looked at me as I went through the inner curtain wall and looked at the wide gap between it and the outer wall . There were three outer gates and two inner . I climbed steps and looked out at the fields beyond before walking all the way from the river and around to where it met it again . I did the same with the inner curtain wall before walking the streets and then checking the three bridges over the river . I found the marketplace and went looking for what I needed to make more ammunition . I went back to pick up the bag of supplies I had managed to buy before heading towards the door . I had a few ideas to slow or stop the orcs but needed a few things . It was two weeks before the swarm of orcs appeared and I stood on the outer wall to watch them come . Every fifty paces was a pole with a barrel on top , they were set out a hundred paces from the wall . The ground was covered out to a few hundred paces with small caltrops and traps . I watched with the guard commander as the orcs spread out but flowed towards us . They slowed when they hit the caltops and then the arrows began to fall . I lifted my rifle and started shooting and killed those that were leading the others . It was a moment before they fell back but continued to spread out and more were still coming over the far rise . It was less then an hour before they started moving towards us again . I began killing them and once they were in range the arrows began again . They almost reached the barrels before pulling back and still more were flowing over the far rise . While we waited I reloaded the empty magazines and watched . The next attack had them almost reaching the walls before the guards I had stationed lit the fuses I had made . There was a flash that was almost like an explosion . Less then ten seconds later the barrels exploded and the lamp oil with liquid soap ignited as it spread onto the orcs . They screamed and fled in panic as those caught by the flames were burned alive . It was hours before they attacked again and I kept firing until they were almost to the wall when they finally pulled back . I looked at the guard commander as I started reloading magazines , " they will breach the wall next time . " The horses had been my idea to help the escaping guards flee through the other wall faster . Between the walls were more barrels on tall posts as well as more caltrops to slow the orcs . There were safe lanes the guards had learned to use . The commander turned to bark the order for oil to be spilled between the walls as the orcs started forming and milling around . It was not long before there was the roar from the orcs as they rushed towards the wall . There was still more flowing over the far rise as I began firing , they almost seemed to hesitate before everything sped up . They reached the wall and I heard Ellie begin to chant as I kept firing . There was a huge boom and lightning exploded along the front of the wall and reached out into the army of orcs . I spun and grabbed the large shoulder bag before pushing Ellie in front of me . The commander waited as more orcs pressed in and started climbing the wall . I ran down the stairs behind Ellie and watched her almost flow up and onto a horse before leaping into the saddle of my own . I followed as she rode for the inner wall tunnel and gate . Inside we turned and swung down before running up the stairs . I could hear the horns signaling the soldiers to retreat before we reached the top of the wall . I was hoping they had managed to finish evacuating everyone across the bridge as I stopped between crenels . I dropped the large shoulder bag and started reloading my magazines with Ellie helping . It was not long before I saw orcs coming over the other wall and began shooting . I went back and forth to cover the soldiers moving back through the gates . Others began firing arrows but slowly more orcs were spilling over the other wall . I grinned at Ellie , " time for our surprise . " Orcs covered the other wall and seemed to spill out between the walls . This was more carefully planned and Ellie murmured and made a throwing gesture . The wall exploded in flames and raced away in each direction as orcs screamed and were consumed . The fire did not spill down between the walls so we were able to kill the milling orcs that had been trapped . It was awhile before the fire on the wall died and the orcs began climbing over again . We had killed thousands and they were still coming over the far rise as if there were an endless number . We killed them until they reached the inner wall and then fire arrows were shot into the ground to ignite the oil that had been spilled . Fire spread quickly until the entire area between the walls was in flames . I had been worried the barrel on the tall poles would catch on fire but the retardant on the poles kept the poles from burning . We used arrows to kill the orcs on the outer wall while they waited for the fire to die . When it did the orcs poured down between the walls and rushed the inner wall . It was awhile before they broke through and the commander gave the order to fire the barrels . Wires ran from the inner walls to the barrels with a fuze and the fuze was lit . Each barrel exploded , sending flames and oil out and onto the orcs . It was not long before the area between the walls was completely in flames again . Each of the houses on this side of the river had bricked up . They all had planks leading from roof to roof . Two of the three bridges had been collapsed so there was only one way across and it now and it had a thick wall and gate blocking the other side . After Ellie was gone I looked out at the rise and shook my head . I nodded but knew even that was not going to stop the orcs . I was not sure how Ellie had gotten so much of the three liquids I needed for my ammo but it was not going to be enough . I fired into the orcs crowded onto the other wall until the flames between the walls started to die . I reloaded again and waited until the orcs roared and rushed off the other wall before firing again . They were starting to climb this wall when the commander ordered the catapults fired and barrels of whisky started crashing down into the orcs . Soon the area was in flames again and the orcs were fighting to pull back . The commander sighed , " the horses are ready for when they start climbing the wall . " I nodded as I continued to empty magazines . I stopped and began to reload and started firing again as the fires died . The orcs flowed over the wall and down before rushing us . I kept firing and then looked up at a huge roar . A dragon was high above the city and I watched as he banked and dove towards the area between the walls . He raced above the level of the walls as a huge jet of flame consumed the orcs below him . He rose and twisted before starting to fly back and breathing flame on the outer wall and then came back beyond them . The men on the wall stared as the orcs fled in panic and I headed for the stairs . The men guarding the gate hesitated before opening them and I raced out and ran towards the outer wall gates . They were open and burning as I ran through to see the dragon finally turning and flying towards the wall . I walked out and over the orc bodies that littered the ground . He dropped to the ground in front of me and I grinned , " well met dragon , I missed you . " He looked around and seemed to smile , " a few days . I am actually going farther to the west and into the Peak mountains . My mate is finally coming into season . " He looked around before reaching down to rip an orc apart and swallowing , " not bad . The plains are always tasty . But the mountains and forest on this side seemed sparse . The ground worms I found were very tasty too . " He chuckled , " it seems to have worked . I had a runner come to the cave to warn me about a stubborn prince that refused to go away . I paid him a visit as the female baron suggested and spoke to him at length while eating his horse . He was most polite and apologized for disturbing me . " I laughed with Ellie as we reached the gate . The dragon just hoped and grabbed the wall as he climbed over and met us on the other side . The guards that had come out stood aside and stared as we went by and I cleared my throat , " I should warn you I made new weapons for some dwarfs beyond and to the south of the female Baron . " We went through the other gate while he went over and the commander stood aside with wide eyes as we walked down the street talking . Once across the bridge and through the other gate the dragon snorted as Little One and Charles both appeared in the street ahead . They almost seemed to ignore him as they stood and turned to walk back towards the cliff . We climbed to the cliff to the door into our home and I was right the dragon fit . I was almost sorry to see him leave a couple of days later . The orcs had not returned and the city was busy burying all the bodies . Ellie slipped onto my lap that night as I stared into the fire remembering my old life . She caressed my face , " time to change our history . "
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I was born July 25 1940 and my name is Samuel David Grey . I enjoyed learning new languages and could speak and understand seven by the time I graduated from high school . My father had been a veteran of World War II and came to believe a man should be able to defend himself . Because he did , I was taught kung fu and judo from an early age . By the time I entered the Army I was a master in both arts . I also practiced the Japanese art of Kendo . Like most boys of that age , I was taught how to use a rifle and enjoyed hunting with my father . I was what he called a natural with a rifle and rarely ever missed . When I was twenty , I decided to join the Army . I had dreams of serving my country and this was how I was going to do it . From the start I was singled out , first for Airborne training and then a sergeant major talked me into joining the Special Forces . I was a know nothing private and worked hard to keep the sergeants happy . When I got orders for Vietnam I didn 't even know where it was . We were supposed to be advisors to the South Vietnamese soldiers but were not allowed to return fire , even if we were fired at . On my first patrol we were skirting a small open area when automatic fire raked the patrol . Sgt Jones was in front of me and as I dove for the ground I saw his body jerk several times . By the time I reached him , he was dead . That was the beginning of the war for me and during my first year I went from a private to a Sergeant First Class . I was only supposed to be there for a year , but I was asked to stay with a new group that was just forming . It was another three months before anything happened and when it did , it wasn 't pleasant . The Colonel smiled as he looked at me , " Yes Sam . Harry and I have been talking and I made a couple of calls to the General . We want you to accept a battle field commission . " Six tours of combat later , the war was over . I was a Major and while many officers were asked to leave the services , I was asked to become a courier for the State Department . Courier was their way of saying black ops . When I retired after twenty years , it was as a full colonel . I had met a woman and fallen in love . She taught electrical engineering in a southern California university . For the next twenty five years we lived and loved each other although we never had any children . I spent my time attending any classes that drew my attention . Ellie had insisted I have a night to myself so she arraigned a poker night with several of the more prominent professors . Ellie died five years ago and I was lost . I stayed in our house and lived day to day . When I was diagnosed with cancer and given only six months to live , I was almost relieved . There I was seventy years old and dying of cancer . My friends didn 't feel that way though and talked me into cancer therapy . I was three months into the therapy and sick and tired , mostly sick . I was in the hospital for a few days and the constant attention of the nurses was driving me crazy . When Jasper came in I was ready to start planning an escape . He was twenty years younger then I . Jasper was a professor of bio engineering and was working to create something he called nanites . Every Monday at our poker games we talked about what we were working on and got fresh ideas from each other . Jasper worked to create the self replicating nanites . Henry was trying to create something to do with time . George was working on a new means of energy . Jasper looked worried as he sat down beside me , " Hey Sam , chased any nurses lately ? " He knew what I had been before I retired . I looked at the way he was sitting and tried to sit up more , he moved closer and helped me . I leaned back and sighed , " Tell me . " I kept looking at him and he finally looked up , " I thought my nanites would be used to help people . All these people want is a way to make money … Well , that and to use my nanites to make some type of super soldier . " We talked some more and then he left . It was close to midnight when I felt someone come into the room . I thought it was just another nurse . I already had an IV in my arm and felt a cool rush before feeling suddenly lethargic . I opened my eyes to see Jasper hooking up two huge IVs . When he finished , he put his hand on my shoulder , " I 'm sorry Sam . They didn 't see things your way . They 're shutting me down and taking everything . I destroyed my notes but they said they could reverse engineer my prototypes , so … so I 'm putting them in you . Keep them safe and watch your back . " I watched as he sat down and stared at the two IVs . It took almost a half hour and then Jasper unhooked the IVs and looked at me before walking out . I woke to a shattering explosion that rattled the window . It was still early morning and I hit the call button . I felt strangely alive and watched as a young nurse came in , " What was that explosion ? " I pushed her away and sat up . I pulled all the leads off and slid out of bed . I was a little surprised at the loss of pain I usually felt . I turned toward the closet as the nurse left to find someone to help stop me . I pulled that damn hospital gown over my head and reached into the closet for my pants . The doctor wanted to check me but I only ignored him as I left . I had already arranged for the hospital to be paid by my insurance so I only stopped at the administration desk to check out . The taxi dropped me at my house just off campus . I looked down the street at the crowd of fire engines and cops . They were all in front of what looked like Jasper 's house . I hesitated and then walked down the street . George and his wife were standing on the sidewalk as I came up . He looked at me and Shelly gasped , " Sam ! You 're supposed to be in the hospital ! " I looked at the house and knew better . I had seen many high explosives used and thought it might have been a shaped charge , ( a big one ) . I turned away and walked slowly back towards my house . Almost as soon as I closed the door I knew someone was in the house . I stood still and waited . Beside the front door was an old telephone stand . I quietly opened it and took out the 45 I kept there . I had made it and the only thing different about it was the fact that it used caseless ammo . I held it behind my leg and a minute later a young guy in a suit stepped out of my kitchen , " Nice and quiet old man . " I shook my head , " You 're an idiot . Jasper came to me in the hospital yesterday and told me what you wanted . I told him to destroy everything . Since he had it in his head you fucked up . " He hesitated and I carefully moved sideways . When I was clear of the door I waved the gun , " leave . If I ever see you again , you 're dead . " I had been around spooks enough to know what would happen next . All I could think of was slipping away , maybe a nice camping trip in the mountains . I kept the pistol with me and walked into the back of the house . In my bedroom I went to the corner facing the walk in closet . I hesitated , I hadn 't touched my go bag in a year . I pushed on what looked like two tiny nail heads and the panel popped open . I opened it the rest of the way and looked at the two black bags . I pulled them out and started undressing . It was a good thing I had never put on weight as I got older . I pulled out the first vacuum sealed package and opened it . I quickly dressed in the soft but durable black pants and shirt , next was the soft wool socks and black boots . I started sliding weapons into different places , most were knives or throwing darts . I pulled the combat vest and rig out of the bag and put it in the other bag . After packing the vest and other combat gear into the one bag , I lifted the modified assault rifle out . It was like my pistol , I had machined it and it fired 7 . 62mm caseless . It was still in its soft case and I took a moment to load it . I closed the rifle case and fastened it to the outside of the black bag . I put the pistol in the small of my back and lifted the bag , " Time to go . " I went back to the front of the house and took a moment to look out my front window . I saw the surveillance right away and shook my head . Whoever these people were they were amateurs . I went into my garage , pulled a long dusty overcoat on and lifted the dark green pack full of dehydrated meals off the shelf . I swung it over one shoulder and gave the shelf a tug . I swung the shelf away from the wall and pushed on the wood panel behind it . I squeezed through and into my shed . I carefully opened the door and slipped out and across a brick path into the tall hedges along my fence . I stayed between the fence and the hedge all the way to the back . The hidden gate opened quietly and I slipped onto the golf course . I moved right and was almost to my hidden exit when I saw a shadow pass over me . I glanced up and cussed . They were using a remote to watch and probable follow me . I waited for it to make a turn and opened the hidden gate and squeezed through . I closed it behind me and knelt under a tall bush , dropping the bag and pack . I pulled the overcoat off and pulled my vest and combat harness out of the bag and put them on . I slid the pistol into the swat holster on my right leg . I hesitated and then closed the bag . I pulled the overcoat back on and shouldered the pack . I grabbed the bag in my left hand checked for the remote before moving . I was almost at the street when two men in suits stepped onto the narrow path in front of me . Both men reached into their jackets and I pulled my pistol . It was close range , not more than nine feet . I didn 't hesitate as I brought my pistol up and put one round in each man 's head before I started moving . I walked straight across the street and down a narrow walk that let out onto the grass of the campus . They knew this old man had teeth now . I walked quickly and came to a faculty parking lot . I crossed to a little used door into the engineering department . After the door closed behind me , I pause and pulled my cell out and dialed a number I had memorized but never used . I woman 's voice answered , " Situation room , code in . " I looked at the door as the knob turned but the door stayed closed , " Dr . Jasper Harris was terminated by persons unknown , they are currently hunting me . I think they believe I have his research notes . I have taken out two , be advised they are using an aerial remote . " There was a click and the line went dead . I started walking again , using the back hallways . It took me almost ten minutes to reach Henry 's labs . I peeked around the corner and saw several men lingering around his main doorway and moved back to think . The test lab had another door into it but was kept locked , not that it would really stop me . I moved back the way I come and stopped at a metal door with a sign that said the door was blocked . I reached into the bag and brought out the small black case that held my lock picks . It took almost thirty second to unlock and open the door . I had been in here several times and had known the door was clear . The room was almost empty with a black matte material covering the walls and silver lines forming small squares . I started crossing the room to knock on the other door when the silver started glowing . I glanced at the large clock on the wall and swore . Henry was running a test ! I couldn 't move as I started hearing a whining sound . It started getting louder and the black matte material started glowing while the silver lines started to get blurry . Suddenly I was falling and brought my feet together . It felt like I was falling in slow motion and seemed to take almost a full minute just to fall through the floor . Everything around me was pitch black as I continued to fall . It felt like ten minutes had passed before I landed . I rolled like the airborne instructors had taught me many years ago and came up into a kneeling position as I dropped my bag and pack . Like I had many times in the jungles of Vietnam , I could almost feel danger around me . I fumble with the bag in the dark and pulled out the rifle . Gradually the walls started glowing , I stayed where I was and continued to wait . I heard a grating sound and then a loud slithering noise . Soon it was light enough for me to see and I glanced around . It was like something out of a movie or a book , Tolken or one of the others . In front of me was a huge dragon . I looked into the large glowing eyes , " I 'm not a thief . " The dragon seemed to growl or grumble and the whole cave lit up . The floor of the cave was sandy with fine white sand that sparkled . I looked around at the sparkling walls with thick vanes of gold running through them , " Very nice dragon , I think it is missing something though . " I fished around in my pack for a metal camping cup . I walked towards the dark corner and the light seemed to follow me and light the way . There was a small pool that had a large trickle of water running down the far wall . The water was very cold and almost seemed sweet . When I came back to the dragon , it was curled up by my bag and pack , " Tell me human , how would you make bricks of gold ? " I smiled as I put the cup away and sat , " Well , you would have to make a mold . You start with clay and bake a shape of a brick and go from there . Ideally , you want to create a metal mold for something like gold bricks . Once you have the mold , you melt the gold and pour it into the mold . Let it cool , open it and take the brick out . " The dragon turned and walked out . I looked around and stood to walk towards the pile of glittering silver piled against the back wall . It was easily three times the size of the huge pile of gold . There were chests of silver coins and even silver bar scattered around . There was also other stuff , jewelry and shining weapons , chain mail and shields . There was so much stuff it was hard to grasp . I found a plain looking dagger on the edge and picked it up . Pulling it out of its sheath I saw the wavy lines of high quality steel . It reminded me of a Japanese sword I had seen once . I put it back in the sheath , tucked it through my belt and turned to walk around . I found a nice flat spot not to far from the pool of water that would be a good place to build a small forge . I didn 't find many loose rocks and had to go farther away to find them . I had just finished the back and sides and was looking for a larger , flatter rock for the top when the dragon returned . It was funny to watch it walk in with a clump of clay in one huge clawed hand . The dragon dropped the clay and looked at what I was doing . It walked to the wall closest and using one claw , started cutting large square bricks of solid rock . I walked closer and realized what it was doing and started carrying them back the flat spot , " I need one that is thinner for the top . " I pointed at the forge and the dragon looked at it for a second and then carefully took a deep breath . He breathed out in a long seemingly careful manner . The flame that came out of his mouth was different than any of the other times I had seen it . It was a steady stream of bluish green flame that seemed to wrap around the stone forge . The stones quickly started turning red . When the dragon stopped , it growled and grumbled . The forge stayed hot and I turned to the clay . It didn 't take long for me to form a brick . It was shaped like a paving stone I had once seen , only shallower , maybe an inch and a half thick . I put it in the forge and turned back to the clay . The dragon had moved away and gone into another room of the cave . I made a thick tray of solid clay , planning everything as I went . After a couple of hours , I pulled the clay brick out with the sleeve of my shirt and set it aside to cool . I was thinking about getting out something to eat when the dragon returned . Besides a plow and several other large pieces of metal , it carried a charred hunch of something I thought might be a deer . I used one of my knives to cut a large piece off when it dropped the meat in front of me . It was a little well done , but anyone that has spent time in a jungle … Let 's just say I ate . When I was done , I checked the brick and then started to make a tray like mold with the brick . It held a total of twenty bricks and it didn 't take me long to finish . It nodded and left , a few minutes later it was back carrying what looked like a small boulder . It lay down and seemed to ignore me while using one of its claws to carve . I walked to the pile of gold and looked at it for a moment before kneeling and opening a small carved chest . It looked really old and only held a bunch of gold coins , I dumped them out and sat down . I drew the dagger I had found and reached out to pick up what looked like a gold necklace . I noticed the dragon watching as I used the tip of the dagger to pry the large gems out of the soft gold and drop them into the box . When I was finished I tossed it aside and picked up another , I finally stopped and went to check the mold . I ended up pulling it out with a corner of my shirt . I left it to cool and stretched , " when it cools we need to find a way to melt the pot metal . " The dragon tilted its head and finally nodded . I went back to prying gems out of gold and lost track of time . I finally looked up and saw the dragon watching me . He looked kind of bemused and turned to look at the mold . I set everything aside and went to check it . It seemed cool enough and I put the pieces together . The dragon shifted and reached out to hold some of the metal in its hand . It leaned close and breathed slowly in its clawed hand and I watch a clear flame envelope the metal . The metal sagged and then just seemed to glow white before melting . The dragon tilted its hand and carefully poured the molten metal into one of the molds . It repeated the process a second time for the second mold and then sat back . I checked and carefully started tapping the mold , " What are you doing hu … Sam ? " The dragon nodded and looked at the mold as I finished . I moved to my stuff and got my cup . After getting water and eating more meat I lay back against my pack and closed my eyes , " Wake me in a few hours . " I sat up and realized I felt different , almost like I had when I was young . I took my cup to the pool of water and drank my fill before going to check the molds . It still felt hot so I left it alone , I looked around but the dragon was gone . I got one of my meals out and made something to eat before going back to the pile of gold to start removing gems again . It was a couple of hours before the dragon returned . It looked at me as it walked in carrying what looked like a canvas pack . It set the pack down by the forge , " There should be a thick iron pot in there . " The dragon sputtered and then roared , there were flames bursting out its mouth , shooting fifty feet to splash across the roof . I looked at the roof to see it change color and a few drops of gold fell . I shook my head as the dragon coughed and growled . Finally it looked at me , " You are a strange man , Sam . " I smiled and moved to check the molds . They were still warm but I broke them anyway . I dug into the pack the dragon had brought and found the iron pot . I spent a few minutes checking it before going to the pile of gold and filling it . I brought it back to the forge and pushed it in . I went to the discard pile and started looking around . I found a pair of studded leather gloves sticking out of a suit of armor and took them back to the forge . I checked the pot every few minutes and put the molds together . I picked up some more loose gold and dropped it in the pot , it took almost a full hour for the gold to melt . I brought a small pile of gold over by the forge and the dragon moved closer . He lay down and curled up a dozen feet away and watched me through lidded eyes . I finally pulled the pot out and carefully poured the gold into the mold . I filled the pot with gold again and put it back in the forge before taking a couple of minutes to tap the sides of the mold . I brought more gold back to the pile and went back to removing gems . When the mold had cooled enough , I opened it and spilled the bricks onto the sand . I left them and closed the mold back up . When the pot of gold in the forge was melted and I filled the mold again . The next time I dumped the gold bricks out and refilled the mold , I carried the cooler bricks to the area the dragon gestured to and I started leveling it . I placed the bricks like I had seen pavers do once . It took me over a week to finish . The dragon kept me fed and let me sleep when I needed it . We didn 't really talk a lot , even when I absently dumped my coins in the pot to be melted , somehow the dragon just felt like a friend . I did talk to the dragon and explained about games like poker and dominos . The dragon was intrigued with the idea of dominos . The bed of gold was huge , just over a hundred feet long and almost as wide . It was three bricks deep and the last night the dragon moved onto it carefully and lay down with a big sigh . It rested its head and looked at me with heavily lidded eyes , " Thank you Sam . " I smiled and for the first time since I had been here , I stripped and washed my body completely . I changed into a fresh set of clothes and replaced my weapons . I had checked the discards several times during the week and went to it . I had the canvas pack and emptied it before filling it with silver coins . The dragon had pointed out several other things in the pile , mostly gem encrusted weapons . I laughed and looked at my pack and the bag . The dragon shifted slightly , " Wait until morning . On the west side of the mountain is a large meadow . That 's where the knights and other idiots camp and leave their gear and horses . You should be able to catch them without to much trouble . " I relaxed and closed my eyes , the dragon had been amazed the first time I had laid down and just went to sleep . I had spent a couple of hours explaining to it , that the military had taught me to sleep whenever the chance offered . I woke to the sound of the dragon snoring and had to smile . I quietly gathered everything and grunted as it settled on my shoulders . I walked out and for the first time since I had got here , I saw the outside . I looked up into the dawn sky to see two moons , one on each horizon . I took a deep breath of fresh air and started looking for a way down . I could see the meadow the dragon had described and headed in that direction . It wasn 't that easy and I was forced to detour several times before I reached the bottom . The forest at the base of the mountain was mostly free of brush and I could see a lot of signs of old fires . I headed towards the meadow and the neighing of horses . As I came out into the meadow I saw a dozen horses moving back and forth between me and the dragon , which was several hundred feet away . I dropped my stuff and looked around to see several old tents and camp sites . There was a pile of rope and harness by the closest camp and I moved towards it . I had ridden on a horse only two times in my life and these looked huge . I sorted through the pile of rope and other equipment before pulling out a couple of ropes . One I tied to a couple of trees thirty feet apart at the very edge of the meadow . I grabbed a handful of grass and started towards the horses slowly . The horses seemed more then willing to come to me and I was able to catch the first one . I tied it to the other rope and went after the next horse , it took me a couple of hours to catch the rest of the horses and tie them up . I had noticed a large pile of silver and weapons by one of the tents and ignored it . When I was finally done , I walked out to the dragon . He grinned , " I thought about eating one of them but changed my mind . " I watched it turn and then leap into the air . Its huge wings kicked up a strong wind and the horses screamed . Luckily they didn 't break free and I went back to them . I used more long rope to let them graze and eat some of the long grass when they had calmed down . I started checking the camps and old tents . The tents were the kind with no floor and most were old with mold on them . I spent my time emptying packs and filling them with some of the discards , mostly silver . I found a lot of stuff I thought would be useful as trade items or weapons . Like a beautiful longbow and more arrows than I could use in a month . I sorted everything and made packs for each of the horses except one . After a careful search and some much needed attention , I had a saddle I thought I could use . Of course I had to do a little tinkering to make it what I remember a western saddle should be . I had never liked the thought of making a horse wear a bit and instead I found what I remembered as a hackamore . I made camp and cooked a meal before deciding on a tent to take . I used another for a floor and set about making it happen . When I was done I folded it up and packed it away . My bag and pack joined the tent in the pack for the last horse . As it started getting dark I laid back and stared up at the bright sky over me . I didn 't know if this was some dream from striking my head or the effects of Henry 's test . I also thought about the way I felt . I felt strong and seemed to have as much energy as I did when I was much younger , like when I was twenty . The only thing I could think of was the two IV 's Jasper had put into me in the hospital . He had said they were his proto types and I had no idea of their life span or what they were doing to my body , I finally relaxed and fell asleep . I woke as the sky began to lighten and ate quickly . Getting the packs on the horses and secured proved harder than I thought it would . I was tempted to just lead the horses but knew I would have to relearn to ride sooner or later . I made a last look around and finally climbed clumsily into the saddle . The horse was not like the ones I had ridden long ago . After I picked myself up and picked the grass out of my hair , I started trying to coax the horse back so that I could try to mount again . This time I was remembering a TV show I had once seen . When I landed in the saddled , I grabbed onto it and leaned forward as the horse started bucking . I slammed my fist against the side of the horse 's neck and to my surprise it locked its legs and froze . It turned its head and I pulled on the rains to make it turn towards the lead pack horse . I pulled my rifle out of the pack and then took the lead rope . Each of the other horses was tied to the packsaddle of the one in front of it . I turned my horse towards the west and as he started walking . I tied the lead rope behind my saddle and settled back . I slung my rifle as we entered the forest . We weren 't going very fast . At first the horse would grab a mouthful of grass and I had to remind it to keep going . By afternoon the horse was into a rhythm , it would get some grass and then start moving again . It was a few hours before dark when I called a halt for the night beside a small creek . I was sore and tired but unsaddled the horses and put them on a long picket . I had thought about things as we went along and as soon as I had camp made I set out a few snares . It had been many years since I had practice martial arts and it took awhile to loosen up . I let my mind relax as I moved through the katas and as I finished , I started practicing with two long daggers . After the daggers , I used one of the better long swords as if it was a katana . When I finished , I pulled the longbow out and shot a couple of dozen arrows . When I was done I washed up in the creek and made dinner . The next day was a repeat of the day before and it was almost five days before I came to a road . I had been catching rabbits and sometimes birds in my snares . Along the way , I had learned that the plants and animals here were both familiar and in some cases different . My first encounter with another person came a few hours after I had started out for the day . We came out of the woods into a field . I could see some kind of track on my right and turned to ride to it . Twenty minutes later I was approaching several mud brick huts . As I started getting closer I could see a couple of women rushing as if to hide with their children . It reminded me of some of the third world countries I had been in . By evening I had passed a dozen more small communities . I made camp on the edge of a small group of trees next to a field . I had just finished my exercises when a man came to my camp . He was wringing his hands as if very nervous and waited until I nodded to him . I nodded and the man hesitated before turning away . He stopped after a couple of steps and reluctantly looked back , " Be careful my lord . Not many travelers escape the baron 's men . " He caught the coins and looked at them with both fear and gratitude . I watched him walk away and thought about what I should do . If this baron was like the robber barons of Europe then he wouldn 't stop at a simple toll . I made a meal of roast rabbit and wild onions with something that was similar to potatoes . I was worried that one of the locals might try to sneak up on me and slept lightly . I was up early and took my time in saddling the horses . The track widened as I got closer to the baron 's keep and the gathering of huts became small wooded houses and then larger communities . I was able to buy a rabbit and some cheese at one of the isolated farms and ate a late lunch . I was close to what looked like a small town with a stone keep on a hill over looking it when I saw a half dozen riders heading towards me . It was only a couple of hours until dark and I stopped to wait and swung out of the saddle . I tied the reins to a small tree beside the road and checked my rifle . When they came up to me they spread out . I could see the two men carrying what I recognized as crossbows . One of the men was better dressed than the others and rode closer , " You are on baron Tennison 's land . " I nodded as the two riders without crossbows moved forward . I raised my rifle and shot the man in front of me through the head . I shifted to the two men with crossbows and took them down . The other two men were fighting their mounts until one slipped off and pulled a long sword . The man backed his horse before turning and riding off fast . It took several minutes to calm my horses and I moved them back into the nearest wood line . I unsaddled and picketed them on long leads . I kept an eye on the keep while I worked and when full darkness came I slipped out of the camp and headed for the keep . It took a half hour to get close and I moved quietly as I approached the tall wooden walls . I watched the sentries walking along the top of the wall before moving forward . The rough wooden walls were easy to climb and I waited for a sentry to pass before I slipped over . It only took about twenty minutes to take out the sentries . This baron must be paranoid , the door into the guard barrack had a drop bar on the outside . I was quiet as I put the bar in its brackets and quietly took out two more guards by the main keep and slipped through a side door . I could hear the loud voices from a large room I thought might be the main hall . I looked though and listened as a large man with a big belly was drunkenly telling several men how he was going to have me torn apart while I was still alive . The servants came and went keeping their heads down and tried to avoid his notice . I had been watching for about five minutes when a girl almost tripped while carrying a tray of food . He backhanded her and she was sent sprawling . I stepped into the room before I realized I had . The fat baron was stalking after the girl while everyone laughed , " Touch her again and it will be the last thing you ever do ! " As the long table that ran down the center of the room was overturned I brought my rifle up . I shot four men that sprang towards me and then I turned towards the fat baron . I shot him three times in the stomach before pointing back at the other men . They were all frozen as they stared at me . I shifted slightly as I took a step towards the dying baron and looked at the men , " I am heading west . You will leave now and head anywhere except in that direction . If I see any of you I will kill you . " Several shook their head and I looked at the girl and knelt to lift her up . I looked her in the face , " Ruling others is done by leading them . A true ruler is one who looks after the welfare of her people first . " I looked at the frightened girl , " Go among your people and get their advice on how to do things but always remember the decisions are still yours as well as the responsibility . Rule fairly and treat your people as you would want to be treated . If you fail and become like him … " I turned and walked out of the room quietly . The main gates of the keep were open and I walked out . I was careful as I made my way back to camp . It was a long night and I kept thinking one of the guards would try to sneak up on me . I made an early breakfast and cleaned my rifle before saddling the horses . In the small town people were out in the street and stood watching me as I rode through . I stopped when I saw an older man I recognized from the keep . I gestured to him , " Would you be good enough to take something up to your baroness ? " He bobbed his head and hurried into the house while I slid out of the saddle . I went to the last horse and untied the lead rope . I led the horse to the front as the girl came out with an older woman following her . She held her head up as she walked to me and I smiled and bowed before holding out the lead rope , " You will need something to help get you started . " I started off and didn 't even glance back . I had a warm feeling in my chest and knew I had done something good . The country I rode into became rolling hills with small streams everywhere . I had taken out my sectioned fishing pole and flies during the first evening . I caught two really nice size fish that almost looked like trout . The small track became a narrow road with wide grassy sides that I rode on . The road twisted and turned but kept heading in the general direction of west . There were a lot more small towns that I learned were part of the barony . It was almost a week after I had killed the baron when I crossed a wooden bridge and saw a crossroad ahead . I had been riding with the long bow at the ready incase I saw a rabbit . I rode up to the intersection carefully . The last small village I had passed had warned me about robbers . I swung down and tied my horse to a thick post . I walked towards the sign post to read it . The way south had the name of someplace called Darkholm . To the north was Sithern Plains City . To the west was Glevin Trade City . Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the nearest clump of bushes . As I turned back to my horses I reached for an arrow . Someone had been watching me and gave a yell that sent a dozen men rushing at me . I had left my rifle on my horse but turned to face the men rushing at me . My first arrow sped past the rushing men to hit a tall skinny man pulling the string back on his own bow . My second arrow took the man in the lead and my third took the man behind him . I released my fourth arrow before tossing my bow aside and pulling the long sword from over my shoulder . Almost all of the men had make shift weapons like long kitchen knives . I slid easily into my fighting stance and waited . I didn 't have long to wait as the first man stumbled into range and died as my blade swept out to take his head . I continued to make a follow through with a downward slice that took both hands from the next man . A half spin and thrust slid the point of my sword through the ribs of another man before I pulled back and turned . A diagonal cut to block and then a spin and side step to avoid a rusty looking long knife . I jabbed into one man 's throat with my fist and backhanded my sword through the stomach of another man . I slid past the man on the ground gagging and trying to breath as the others followed me . I spun and lunged , the first foot of my sword slicing through a man 's stomach before I yanked it back . I wasn 't fast enough , as he fell he took the sword with him . I pulled my fighting knife and the long dagger I had started carrying . There were three men left and they followed as I carefully stepped back . With a rush two came at me and the knife came up to block as the dagger went home in the other man 's chest . I shoved him into the other man and turned in time to catch a descending blade with my dagger before cutting his throat with my knife . The last man was just coming back to his feet and kept looking around for a way out . He lunged and took a swipe with his knife . I blocked with my knife and stabbed through his arm with the dagger . I twisted as I moved sideways and then sliced across his throat with the knife as he screamed . I looked around to see all the men down and dying . I stepped away from the bodies and really looked around . In the distance I could see someone riding towards me from the south . I knelt to clean my weapons before putting them away . I found my bow and picked it up before heading towards my horse . I swung into the saddle and shifted the horse to put the bow and quiver on the first pack horse before pulling out my rifle . I turned back to see several people riding closer . I could see what looked like wagons behind them , as they got closer I had to work not to stare . They were riding horses but each person was very short , like four feet tall . They were also very wide in the shoulder and each rider carried what looked like a crossbow . They stopped about a hundred paces away and looked at each other before one that looked better dressed started forward . He kept looking at the dead and dying men and then at me . I waited quietly to see what he was going to do . He pulled up in front of me and gestured at the men , " Bandits ? " I turned and we fell in beside his men . He kept looking at my rifle but didn 't say anything . It was a few hours later that he gestured off the road , " We make camp there for the night . " I looked around and nodded before turning with him . The area was beside a moderate stream with lots of tall grass . I picked an area to the side and unsaddled my horses before staking them out on long pickets . It only took me about twenty minutes to catch a couple of large fish . I brought fresh clothes down and stripped beside the stream . I waded out into the water and was surprised when after a few minutes several male and female dwarfs joined me . I grinned and finished washing before wading ashore while they played . I dressed and went back to camp to clean , fillet and cook the fish . The well dressed dwarf squatted across from me and looked curiously at the fish frying . I held a wooden plate out to him that I had traded a farmer for a couple of days earlier . I had also found a pepper tree and had a large bag of peppercorns , all I needed now was salt . The dwarf looked at me and then accepted the plate gingerly . He tasted a small piece of fish with his knife point and then stared at the fish . I talked about fly fishing while we ate and he seemed fascinated . After dinner he went to check his camp and men while I checked my horses and put them on a single picket line . I began my evening exercises as several of the dwarfs watched and finished as the sun sank down over the horizon . It was a quiet night that had me more relaxed then in a long time . I woke with the false dawn and headed for the stream , hoping to catch another couple of fish . Before I had caught my second fish , Bris was there . By the way he was staring I knew he wanted to try it . I waved him out and started teaching him . Several of the others lined up behind us to watch and on his third cast Bris got a hit that bent the pole . He was hooked along with every one of the dwarfs that was watching . He reeled in a huge fish and I helped him get it off the hook and he was right back in the stream . After his fourth fish I managed to get him out of the stream so we could clean and cook the fish . He watched closely as I cleaned them and had one of his men bring a small pouch of salt . I nodded to a stream we were coming to , " Find a strait sapling and cut it to length … " We spent the day talking about fishing and how to make fishing poles and flies . I tried to explain the difference between wet flies and dry flies and when to use each . We made an early stop for the night beside a stream . I let Bris use my fishing pole and took my bow to go looking for something else . I was watching a young buck and slowly placing an arrow on the string when I felt something watching me . It was like the times when I was in combat and had felt something out of place . I slowly looked around and found myself looking at several wolves as they crept closer . They were huge , easily the size of a Great Dane . I dropped the bow and spun as I pulled my pistol . The wolves rushed towards me and I barely had time to aim . I took the first one in the chest and the second through the head . I had to spin away from the third and shot the forth straight through its mouth as it leaped . I shifted sideways and turned to shoot the third wolf behind the ear . I turned with my pistol following my eyes as two other wolves slowly approached . I took aim and killed one with a chest shot and the other turned to leave . I looked around and relaxed as I realized it was over . I was skinning one of the wolves when Bris and several of the dwarfs found me . He stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head . I shrugged and went back to skinning the wolves . I rolled each skin up and when I was finally done we headed back to camp . I dropped everything beside where I planned to make a fire . I ate a meal that night while the dwarfs stayed in their camp and talked . I carefully started scraping one of the skins and went out to cut a few branches to use as a frame to stretch the skin . I rubbed ash from my fire into the skin and stretched it on the frame I had made . Bris came to my camp just as I was getting ready to lie down . He squatted across from me , " You are a strange man , Sam . " In the month since I had arrived , my appearance had changed so that I looked like a man of maybe forty . I looked into the night sky and began taking about my life . Not just about my life but about my world . I told him everything … about being in the hospital and the rest . The dragon seemed to surprise him and he looked at me speculatively . I looked away from the sky and he nodded , " Across the river Glevin is the vast plains of Turass . There are large herds of beasts that roam the plains and because of this predators like the wolves you killed are plentiful . The closer we get , the more we will encounter . " I thought about it , the metal of both weapons was made from advanced composites and needed special tools and equipment . I glanced at Bris , " They are made from metal stronger then the steel in a sword . I would need special equipment I probably wouldn 't find here . I could make weapons yes but not using the same metals . They wouldn 't be like the weapons I carry either . " I looked at the sky thinking about what he had asked . With all the different things I had learned over the years I could make a modern weapon . In fact , I remembered a time when I had designed a Thompson machine gun made from newer light weight metals . It had only weighted half of what a real Thompson weighted . I had also studied plans for other weapons , an old Colt Peacemaker and a Ruger Red Hawk . I woke early and rolled out of bed . I checked the horses and saddled them before putting them on their leads . They were grazing in the tall grass as I packed up . One of the dwarf women walked to the rolls of wolf pelts and only glanced at me , " We will take care of these . " Bris appeared smoking what looked like a long thin milky stone . The smell was like apples and cinnamon . I looked at the pipe and he grinned before nodding towards the stream where several dwarfs were watching one fish . I grinned and cleared a sandy patch of ground . I thought about it and sketched the eyes and brass caps on the section ends , describing everything as I went . Bris watched and listened until I was done . I explained about curing the wood so it wouldn 't split . I told him about using strong waxed string to attach the eyes and a strong glue to hold the sections caps on . When I finished he called the dwarf that was fishing . When he got to us , Bris took the fishing pole and examined the eyes and section caps closely . As we rode during the day the guards stayed closer to the wagons and were more alert . Just before our lunch break we were approaching a large slow moving stream when I noticed something moving in the tall grass off to one side . I was carrying the bow and pulled up before swinging out of the saddle and tying the rains to a passing wagon . I nocked an arrow and moved closer . I was only fifteen feet away when it rose up slightly as it moved closer to the road . I brought the bow up and pulled back in one motion . The release was almost an after thought . The scream of the big spotted cat as my arrow slammed into its body caused the horses to scream and panic . The big cat was snapping at the arrow as I prepared another . I didn 't have to shoot though , the cat spasmed and dropped to the ground . I carefully moved closer as the dwarves joined me . I recognized the cat as what I thought was a large Jaguar . It took the cat several minutes to die and Bris told one of the other Dwarves to stop the wagons beside the stream . Another Dwarf moved towards the big cat and I watched as he skinned it with a lot less effort then I could . He rolled the skin and we headed toward the waiting wagons a few hundred yards away . Bris looked at me , " You did a good job spotting that cat . Most of the time we only see them when they attack . " One of the women handed me a large piece of bread and a chunk of cheese . I grinned and looked around for some twigs . I made a small fire and cut the bread in half before stuffing the cheese inside . I used a forked stick to toast it over the small fire while the dwarves watched amused . I sat back and ate my sandwich slowly , enjoying the unique taste . The rest of the day went by without incident and we set up camp beside a wide slow moving stream . The water in the stream looked almost crystal clear as I waded out to cast a line . I hooked a big fish on the first try and brought it in . I had noticed several large fish gliding close to me , they looked long and lean like Northern Pike . When I lifted the fish I had caught out of the water one turned towards me . Something I remembered from fishing in a northern state came back to me . Another man was telling stories of northern pike that attacked a man while he was fishing . I shifted my pole to the same hand as the fish and reached over my shoulder for my sword . I had just pulled it out when the fish attacked . I struck straight down and impaled the fish on the end of my sword . I brought the sword up with the large struggling fish and wadded to the shore . The dwarves were wide eye and stared at the large fish on my sword and I grinned , " When fishing , watch the water around you for fish like this . They are what is called territorial and may attack your feet . " The dwarves looked at each other as I offered the fishing pole . I was cleaning the fish when one of the women just took it away from me . I sat beside a couple of the women as they cooked and learned a little about the herbs and spices they used . When I offered the pepper I had gathered , they only looked at me as if they had never heard of it . I crushed some on a plate with a knife blade and they tried it . I relaxed later with their quiet voices around me . Bris was busy at one of the fires and the women were working on the pelts . I drifted off and was awakened by a young dwarf a few hours before the sun came up . I drifted around the outside of the camp watching and listening until the sun started coming up and the whole camp came awake . The land around us began to flatten and there were only a few hills . There were a lot more large farms and small communities along the road . Just after our noon stop we were warned by a farmer about a big lion that had been stalking the farms around there . We saw a larger pack of wolves in the distance but they stayed away . I had switched back to carrying my rifle and rode in the front of our caravan . We camped beside a shallow river and kept the horses between the camp and the river . During dinner Bris handed me what looked like a spice grinder , " The women asked me to get some of your peppercorn . " He grinned and nodded as he pulled out his pipe . He saw me watching and grinned , " The weeds are wild . The women pick and dry it along with spices and a few other things . They seem to like the smell . " I thought of tobacco but when I looked at his offered pouch of weed , I found that it was something else . I tried a few puffs on his pipe and found that it seemed to wake me up and made me feel more alert . There were several dwarves grinning at me as I handed the pipe back . It was almost like I had passed a test . I had the middle of the night watch and went to bed early . When I got up , I pulled a two foot silencer out and then my thermal scope , I slid it on in front of the sights on my rifle . It was an hour past midnight when the horses became restless . I turned on the thermal scope and scanned the area before moving to the horses . I took a moment to look out at the shallow river and then along the bank . The lion stood out sharply in the scope and I whistled for the other guard . I was joined shortly by not by just the one guard but by several dwarves that had been awakened by the restless horses . I gestured , " There 's a very big cat along the river bank . " I thought about it and took careful aim on one of the lions . The muffled shot wasn 't really that loud but it seemed that way to me . I quickly shifted aim as the other cat came fully to its feet . A second muffled shot and it was over . A minute later Bris was there carrying a lantern . I walked out towards the sound of the two lions twitching bodies . I was staring at their fangs and couldn 't believe I had just shot two saber tooth lions . Bris had two dwarves skin them while we went back on guard . I managed to get a few hours of sleep before we headed out in the morning . I had the tanned pelts of the wolves over the last pack horse and he wasn 't to happy about it . Not only had Bris had the lions skinned but he had the long fangs removed . While we rode along he told me about seeing a pair of engraved fangs . Two of the dwarves driving wagons had the fangs and seemed happy as they relaxed and carved as the horses plodded along . That night we camped in a huge high walled yard . They called it a Merchants Yard . It had a corral for the horses , a well and several fire pits . Bris said we would reach the trade city a few hours before night fall the next day . I used a bare piece of ground to start drawing and before long one of the women handed me a parchment and a piece of graphite . I looked at her and then grinned as I went back to drawing , only on the parchment . I was thinking of the night before and the other guard 's inability to see the lions . When I finished , I sat back with Bris across from me . I described what it was and he looked interested . I realized that even after all the time I had spent with him , I didn 't know what he was bringing to the trade city . Bris grinned and went to the one of the wagons . He returned with a chunk of a silver metal ore . At first I thought it was silver but after examining it I realized it was something else . I had studied geology for awhile but I had no idea what this was , maybe something like titanium . He called it Mytheril or Star Silver . It was only found deep in certain mountains . He took pleasure in telling me all about this … Mytheril . He said it was stronger than steel and worth its weight in gold . I handed the raw ore back and we sat talking quietly until we finally called it a night . Everyone was excited as we started out the next day . I had the pelts of the Jaguar and both lions on one of the horses . Our lunch stop was brief and then we were back on the road . We came in sight of the walls in the late afternoon . I was a little sad to see the high walls because it meant I would be leaving the dwarves . It turned out I would be with them a little longer . There was a huge yard inside the high walls for caravans . We put the horses in one of the corrals and set up camp . I asked Bris if he knew of a local place where I would be able to do some metal work . I described making a rifle , scope and a night vision device . He was more than willing to help and had a relative that lived nearby . We walked into the city and down a narrow street like all the rest . The building he led me to was made of thick granite blocks that were joined together perfectly . Inside he greeted another dwarf in a hug . They whispered back and forth before I was led to a large workshop . There were easily thirty dwarves scattered around the room working at forges and hammering at benches . I was led through an arched doorway where several dwarven women were working . I was set up at a bench that had parchment and other drafting tools . I grinned at Bris as I sat and bent over the bench . In only a few minutes everything around me faded away as I concentrated on what I was doing . When I got tired , I moved to the side and curled up to sleep on a mat that had appeared . I was back at it early the next day . When I finally stopped , I had plans for not only a scope and night vision device but for two different rifles and ammunition . I hadn 't paid attention to the bread , cheese or even the fruit that had been quietly handed to me as I worked . I rolled up the plans and made my way back to my camp after thanking the sturdy dwarf that had been my host . I cleaned up and took four horses with prepared packs . I led them into the city and followed Bris 's direction to a large open trade area . It took almost two hours of bargaining to trade the silver and weapons for gold . The two bags of gold were noticeable as I placed them on the first horse . I had made a list of the things I would need and spent another three hours in the marketplace . I was used to third world markets and kept my eyes open for thieves and pickpockets . Back in camp I put everything together in two packs . The dwarves were celebrating the sale of one wagon load of Mytheril and I did a little bargaining with Bris for some Mytheril as well . It was an early grey dawn as I headed back into the city with one of the dwarf maids . We were going to a little known market where there were spices and dried herbs . The narrow street was crowded with people until we came to a small widening of the way . There were six men pushing people and talking loud . They were extorting money or property from everyone that tried to pass . Two men stepped in front of us and one reached for the basket the dwarf maid carried . It was at the same time that I saw two of the other men laughing as one held up something an old woman called a bond kitten . All I saw was a young , maybe eight week old grey stripped kitten squirming and then it bit the man 's finger . Time seemed to slow as his belt knife came out and swung toward the kitten . He was trying to fling the young cat away as the knife swiped over its throat in a small shower of blood . I was moving before I even realized what I was doing . My left hand flicked the small throwing knife from behind my belt as I reached out to the closest man with my right hand . I could see the bloody kitten tossed away as my throwing knife slammed solidly into the man 's throat . My right hand had locked on the wrist of the man near me as I slid forward sideways . As I turned his hand my left hand grabbed the back of his head and then my right went ridged as it came forward to strike his throat . My hand left the man 's head as I turned to the other man and brought my elbow around in a strike to the back of his neck with enough force to break it . I keep turning as he fell and pulled my combat tanto and pistol . I flipped the tanto and threw it into the man 's chest by the old woman and aimed at one of the two men still standing . I put two rounds through his chest and as the other turned to flee I shot him in the back of the head . I moved quickly to the bleeding kitten and went to my knees . I did the only thing I could think of to save its life . I pulled a small knife and sliced open my left index finger . I gently wrapped my spurting finger around the bleeding throat of the kitten . It seemed strange but all I could think of to save the kitten was the nanites that were in my blood . I knew that my blood type was O positive and hoped it wouldn 't hurt the kitten . It was trying to move and I used my other hand to hold it still , " No little one , hold still ! " It was as if the kitten heard me and seemed to relax . I glanced around at the twitching bodies of the six men and the crowd that was gathering . The dwarf maid walked to the men I had kill with knives and pulled them out . It was several minutes before the kitten seemed to get a second wind and I thought it would live . I looked up for the old woman only to find that she had disappeared . I slowly pulled my finger away to see that the cut I had made in my finger was closed . I checked the kitten and saw that while the neck wound looked raw , it to looked partially closed . I carefully picked the kitten up and the dwarf maid led the way back to camp . While the maid set my weapons down , I pulled out a dirty shirt and laid the kitten down . At first it didn 't want to move and refused to eat . I diced some red meat that one of the dwarves brought and slowly the young kitten ate . It fell asleep quickly after eating and I sat back to think . It was a little strange that I could be so … drawn to the kitten . Granted , I had always liked cats but … I shook my head and turned to clean up and then clean my weapons . I stayed in camp and washed clothes and rested . I sent a couple of the dwarven lads to a market and they returned to look at me strangely . All day I tended to the kitten , feeding it and gently petting her . I cleaned her matted fur and saw that her wound was completely closed and the scar was even fading . The dwarfs stayed away from me and it was almost evening before Bris returned from his business . He crossed to me as I sat with the kitten in my lap . She was purring as I rubbed the side of her face and then down her spine . He sighed , " You are strange Sam . The men you killed came from a gang that are rogues and cutthroats . They are a threat to me and mine . " I nodded and looked around , for some reason I didn 't wanted the kitten far from me . I found a large kerchief and tied a knot . I opened it like a sling and slipped the kitten inside . I put my combat vest on and put the sling around my neck . I pulled the silencer for the rifle out and attached it . He led me back into the city . The kitten stayed in the sling but I could hear her purring . Bris led me along very narrow alleys and back ways until we were across the street from a large building . There was yelling and laughter coming from inside , " This used to be a weavers hall . " He looked at the tiny head of the kitten as she stuck it out and nodded and put his cupped hands under her . I walked across the street towards the large double doors . There were two men leaning against the door jam and they sneered as I approached . The one on the right started to stand as I lifted the barrel of my riffle and shot him through the throat at ten feet . I shifted quickly as the other man jerked up . I fired twice into his chest before kicking open the doors , I walked into the room as it quieted . A couple of men rose and pulled daggers , I didn 't even hurry as I brought the rifle up and shot both . I turned to the large fat man at the other end of the room as madness broke out and shot him . I let the women go but killed every man that was in the room . I turned away from the carnage and walked back outside . Bris was still across the street trying to hold a struggling kitten . I walked towards them and reached out to pick up the feisty cat . I held her up in front of my face , " And where do you think you 're going ? " She mewed at me and stopped struggling . I shook my head and looked at Bris to see him still looking at the building . I took the sling and put the kitten back inside it . He led me back to camp where we found several men on guard . I fed the kitten and laid back to rest . I was thinking that since I had gotten here I had become a lot more violent , more like I had been when I was young . I drifted off to sleep with the kitten curled up on my chest . I woke to her licking my face with her sand paper tongue while one of the dwarf women looked on from a few feet away . I spent the day in the shop working on my projects . I took my breaks when the young kitten would come by mewing pitifully . That day set a pattern that we followed for almost two weeks . I sighed as I leaned back on the short stool . On the bench in front of me were four rifles that looked like a cross between a Thompson and a M16 . It did have some of the features of each plus some from an HK . They had a barrel like an HK416 . They were operated by a gas piston near the muzzle but had a buffer system to reduce the recoil . They were chambered in what I called 45 super long . The ammunition was what had taken so long . It wasn 't like other caseless ammo , there were three liquids that you mixed together and poured into molds . It hardened in less then three hours and gave a muzzle velocity of almost twenty four hundred feet per second . I had to make the thin tin primers first . The bullets were copper jacketed bullets with a ceramic core and had an accurate range of at least two hundred meters . All four had short , wide four power scopes that easily slid onto the rails on top . They also had small night vision devices that locked into place in front of the scopes . I had shown Bris and a couple of others how to make the ammunition as well as the small batteries for the night scopes . I had learned how to make the batteries from my wife Ellie . I looked to the side at the long barreled rifle lying there . It had a railed system like the others but was chambered for a much stronger round of ammunition . I looked down as Little One used her claws to climb my leg . I helped her onto the bench where she sat down and wrapped her tail around her front feet . She looked at me like , ' its about time , I want to play . ' I rubbed her chest before turning to look across the room . Bris was flirting with one of the women and I grinned as Tabin slammed a big blurry hand onto his shoulder . Bris frowned as he looked at him and turned at his gesture . He hopped off the stool and walked across the room with a swagger . Having me in his camp had given him a huge reputation . The Trade City guards had kept their distance as well . I picked Little One up and tucked her inside what I had come to call her carrier . I nodded to three of the rifles with shorter stocks as I picked up the forth and the other larger one . I smiled and shouldered the two rifles before grabbing the large bag still on the bench . Bris walked beside me briskly while carrying the three riffles . Back in camp , I showed them how to load the magazines in the bag . I sat back and played with Little One while they grinned and loaded magazines . I fed the kitten and let her curl up to sleep in her carrier while I saddled a horse . We rode out and went towards a low bluff in the distance . A couple of the dwarves were carrying wooden framed targets . I had them set up the targets in front of a high bank . We started at twenty five paces . I zeroed my rifle quickly and then spent my time helping Bris and the two other dwarves . Once the rifles were zeroed , we moved further away . The scope on my long rifle was different , stronger and more powerful . Even with a double buffer system , the rifle still kicked my shoulder like a mule . The explosion of the big four fifty express round caused the horses to scream in panic . We had to move the horses further away so I could finish zeroing the big rifle . I gradually moved back recording each setting on the scope until I was three hundred paces way . I watched the horses when I was done and let the dwarves practice . Little One did not like the loud noise and wandered off to explore a nearby creek . When the dwarves were done we collected the targets , ' the dwarves wanted to just leave them ' and headed back to the city . I had a second project I had been working on and after unsaddling the horses and brushing them , I headed toward my tent . I had set the tent up the fourth day here when a storm blew in . I came out with the small long wrapped package and looked around . I found Bris speaking to one of the older dwarves about leaving . I quietly handed him the package and watched as his eyes lit up . Inside the package was a small wooden box and inside that was a sectioned fishing pole similar to mine . It was made from seasoned wood with brass eyes and section caps . The string had been the hardest part next to making some flies . He grinned , letting his hands caress the rod . That evening we had a feast with the dwarves dancing to each others clapping . Bris sat across from me while I watched a dwarf maid playing with Little One . He looked and grinned , " She is a playful thing . " He grinned as he caressed the top of the case , " True . I 'll talk to them . I know the Caravan master is still looking for a hunter . " I woke to the buzzing purr of Little One telling me she was hungry and I should get up . I cut up a piece of rabbit for her and began sorting through my packs . I left the packs I needed to trade outside my tent and headed into the city . I tucked Little One in her carrier and she rode with her head poked out . Normally she would sleep after eating but for some reason she didn 't today . I headed to the spice market and spent almost two hours arguing over high prices and a small spice grinder . On the way back a large gray cat started following me and Little One kept trying to climb my shoulder to look behind me . I thought it was funny and just put her half on my shoulder so she could watch the other cat . When I got back in camp I packed everything away while Little One disappeared . It was almost dinner time when the old woman came to the camp . Little One sat up quickly and wrapped her tail around her front paws and stared . I watched as she walked calmly through the dwarves with the same grey cat I had seen earlier leading her . She stopped in front of me and I gestured for her to sit . Little One mewed at me and went to the older cat and started rubbing against her . I watched and then looked at the old woman , " I looked for you after the fight but you left . " I looked at her in surprise and then held my hand out to Little One as she came back to rub on it . I finally nodded and reached into the pouch I now carried . The old woman looked surprised and I smiled as I handed the gold piece to her , " The kitten is worth it . " I stood and walked out as she stood to follow . Samson was grinning as he drove the wagon towards the corral . Four horses were pulling it and another was on a lead behind . I walked to the wagon park behind him and walked around the new wagon as Bris joined us . The wagon was something I had never heard of or seen . It was fifteen feet long and eight wide . The bed was over three feet above the ground and was four feet high . It didn 't have axles , each wheel was on a long metal leaf spring with a thick coil spring in the center . When I looked under the wagon , I saw a thick wooden rod go from the back of the wheel hub to a center point on the floor of the wagon . A closer look showed the rod attached to a metal ball that was slotted into a thin slit . Whatever else this wagon was , it would give a smooth ride . I grinned at Samson , " Not bad . " Sarah left shortly after that , saying she would return tomorrow with her few belongings . I sat beside the large fire that night saying my goodbyes . Just as I was getting ready to call it a night Bris returned with a long wrapped package . He quietly handed it to me and I spent a moment trying to think what it might be . When I opened it , I stared and then grinned at Bris . I had described a katana and how it was made . Bris had done me one better , it was made from Mytheril . I could see the wavy lines where it had been folded repeatedly . The hilt was wrapped with a thin silvery Mytheril chain and capped with a dragons head , it even had two rubies eyes . They bowed and I turned to enter my tent . I was up early helping them break camp . I watched as they rode out and turn away with a sigh . A large grey haired man was standing there watching me . I had seen him across the huge yard a few times . I approached him and he held out his hand , " Henry Biship , Caravan Master . Bris said you were a good man to have along . " I turned and waved as I headed towards my tent and the list I had made of things I would need . I was just coming out when the old woman came into camp with a hand cart . I looked at it and had an idea . I helped her put her things in my tent and went to work on the inside of the wagon . I made a bed on one side and then went to the market for a few chests and barrels . Sarah liked the idea that her bed would be in the wagon after I explained that I would be putting a tent over the top . It wasn 't like the pictures I remembered of old west Conestoga wagons . I peaked the roof down the center , the ends of the roof extended a foot beyond the side of the wagon and several feet over each end . I placed a water barrel on each side and another in the wagon . I made it so that I could use a horse to pull her cart or fasten it to the back of the wagon . We spent a day gathering supplies and on the last morning were waiting at the yard gate into the city . The dwarf family was the first to arrive . The husband was a brisk no nonsense type of person and walked to me . He looked up into my face with his hands on his hips , " Bris said you were worth knowing and would be a good travel companion . We will help you and the old woman with any animals you kill . In exchange we keep the skins . " His eyes narrowed and he finally nodded . It was another half hour before the rest of the wagons finally arrived and led the way through the gate . We went through the city slowly and an hour later started across the floating bridge to the plains beyond . On the other side of the river I swung into the saddle of one of my horses and let Sarah drive , our wagon was the third in line . Sarah was more than happy with the smooth ride , her bond cat was sleeping on the bed behind her in the wagon . Little One liked to ride in front of me unless she wanted to sleep , if she got sleepy she would climb into her carrier . It was a long day , the trail across the plains was clear with few trees close to it . The caravan master stopped by a few times and we talked . He said we would be stopping at what was called Caravan Keeps every night . We saw wolves a few times but they kept their distance and large herds of what I recognized as bison . When we came within sight of tall walls I moved to the back of the wagon and unhooked the cart . I pulled it out of the way and put the handles in the loops beside my saddle . I thought to leave Little One with Sarah but she refused to leave me . I pulled the 450 express out of the wagon and turned away from the Keep . While the wagons headed into the gate through the high walls , I headed towards a nearby herd of bison leading my horse with the cart behind him . I only glance back when I heard Jerome the dwarf stomping after me . I stopped a couple of hundred yards from the herd and waited for Jerome . I nodded towards the horse with Little One sitting up in the saddle , " Wait here . " I moved to the side a little ways and knelt . I had been watching the herd and picked out a bull on the edge . The loud explosion caused my horse to stir but he had at least heard it before . The herd of bison stirred and began moving away . The bull I had been aiming at had dropped to its knees and then fallen over . I put the big rifle on safe and moved to the cart . Little One was giving me a dirty look while Jerome had wide eyes . I set the rifle inside the cart and turned to lead the horse towards the downed bull . Jerome got himself together and hurried to catch up . We didn 't take long in skinning the bull and cleaning it . We put everything in the cart and started back towards the Keep . I glanced back and saw several wolves coming out of the tall grass to feed on the offal from the bull . The inside of the Keep was strange , the walls were six feet thick . At each of the four corners there was a raised platform for a guard . Jerome and I took meat for our own camps and the caravan master took the rest . Jerome didn 't even hesitate in rolling the large bull hide up and throwing it over his shoulder . We had gone slow while traveling so the horses had a chance to eat some of the grass . I had walked beside the wagon several times cutting grass with a long handled scathe and dropped it into the back of the wagon . Little One wandered off with my directions to stay in the Keep . Sarah 's grey bond cat seemed happy to curl up on her lap after dinner and purr at her with pleasure . I checked each of the horses and the caravan master came by to give me my assigned shift on one of the watch towers . I slept fitfully that night and woke with relief when the camp guard came by to get me . Watching the area outside with my night scope showed me why guards on the towers were necessary . I saw a couple of large cats as they made their way past the Keep and knew they would have been able to leap up and climb into the Keep . As the sun rose a mist followed and slowly the camp came to life . We hadn 't been out of the Keep long when I saw a big cat coming out of the fog . It looked like a large mountain lion and it was heading for the lead horses pulling my wagon . I brought the new rifle up and fired in one smooth movement . The lion screamed as it stood up on its back legs and then fell to the ground biting at its side . There was a few moments of panic along the caravan and gradually things calmed . I moved forward to the downed cat as it died . The caravan master and a couple of others appeared and then moved away . Jerome got there as I began to skin the lion and he immediately took the other side . It didn 't take long to finish and we rolled the skin up . Our wagons had continued to move with the rest of the caravan . I tucked Little One back in her carrier before we started jogging to catch up . I slipped the skin into Jerome 's wagon before moving on to my own . I walked beside the wagon and Sarah grinned down at me as I handed Little One up . She handed down the scathe and I moved off . I slung my rifle as I began cutting the tall grass . It was like the pattern I had set the day before only after the lion I was a lot more alert . It was a good thing I was paying attention because the man in front of me was doing the same thing I was . He didn 't even see the large wolves as they came out of the grass for him . There wasn 't time for me to unsling my rifle so I dropped the scathe and drew my pistol . I put two shots into the first rushing wolf before switching to the next . The explosive sound of my pistol brought the wolves to a halt as I double tapped the second . I shifted and shot a third and then a forth before they turned to run . The caravan was full of shouting and the man I had saved was staring at the wolf a few feet away from him in shock . I changed the magazine and moved to start skinning the first wolf . This time Jerome and I had help skinning the wolves while the caravan waited . When we moved on everyone was more watchful . As we approached the next Keep I took the cart and began moving off towards a herd of bison in the distance . This time Little One stayed with Sarah as Jerome and I went hunting . I shot a huge bull at the edge of the herd and then because a second bull wouldn 't move away I shot it . That night I had first watch and saw a sight I had never dreamed of seeing . A large herd of Mammoths bedded down at the base of the Keep wall . I was asked to shoot one of the creatures for its tusks and shook my head , ( people never change ) . Sarah stayed up until my watch was over and we sat talking until it was late . The next day was a repeat of the one before without the wolves . I was able to shoot three antelopes before we reached the next Keep so I didn 't bother going after Bison . I didn 't have guard that night and lay against my saddle with Little One on my lap . I wasn 't sure what had awakened me until I heard the horses snort uneasily . I reached beside me and lifted my rifle . I had placed the night scope on just in case and switched it on now . I slowing began checking around the camp and froze when I saw a huge lion crouching beside the small camp fire across the way . I took careful aim and flicked off the safety . The quiet click of the safety made the large cat 's ears flick towards me . It looked across the camp straight at me . I squeezed and the night was shattered by the roar of my rifle and then by the scream of the lion . The Keep was alive with shouts and yells , the horses were screaming and everything was in chaos . I moved across to the dying lion as others began to gather . It turned out that one of the men on guard had fallen asleep . The caravan master put extra men on each post so it wouldn 't happen again . Jerome watched as I skinned the lion and then helped drag the body out a gate . We came back to the caravan master who nodded and turned away . I shook my head and for the first time Jerome grinned . It took awhile before I was able to sleep . Little One finally curled up on my chest and began to purr . It was strange how something like that can help someone fall asleep . I woke to the touch of one of the night guards moving around waking everyone . When we moved out we had to go slow because a large herd of bison were spread across the plain in front of us . All day we moved like that and the caravan master stopped by to say we would be getting to the next Keep late . I shot an old bull and Jerome and I skinned and cleaned it while the caravan waited . We reached the next Keep after dark and moved in carefully . I was leading several men in to check it when I noticed the far man sized gate open . I held my hand up to stop everyone and then pointed at the open gate . The pack of wolves came out of the dark and into our lantern light snarling . I didn 't hesitate and shot the first one I had seen through the chest . I hit the second in the neck and then they were running away . The problem was that they didn 't head out the far gate . I waved the men back and used the night scope . I shot the wolves one after another until they were all dead . They helped me drag the wolves out the far gate before leading the wagons in . It was awhile before I finished skinning the wolves , even with Jerome 's help . I was on watch on the far wall when I saw the large group of men approaching . They were quiet and had naked swords in their hands . I nudged the other man on guard with me and let him look through the scope . He turned to face the camps , " Raiders ! " I took the rifle as the men below charged at the gate . I fired rapidly taking the first three before they could reach the gate . I hit another as he was opening the gate and lanterns flared to life . I turned and headed down the stairs inside the Keep . There were three raiders just inside the gate with arrows in them , the rest were fighting with men from several camps . I shot two men that stood beside the gate with short horse bows and then headed into the fight . A big man came out of the semi darkness and I side stepped his stabbing knife . I struck out and crushed his windpipe before moving on . I shot a man that sprang at me from the shadows and headed towards the last group still fighting . The last of the raiders fell with arrows in their back as I reached them . It was a long time before things calmed down . We were lucky , only three men were injured and they weren 't hurt that bad . The rest of the night was tense and we got little sleep . We moved out the next day more carefully . The days slowly crept by and a week and a half later we approached what looked like a gash through the earth . A huge Keep spanned it and the caravan master stopped us before the gates . Half of us approached and opened the gate . I was carrying my old HK416 with the silencer since it didn 't scare the horses . Once inside I saw that the Keep was split . Each half was the normal size of a Caravan Keep . Two rope bridges spanned each side and a wide solid looking bridge crossed the gap in front of us . On the other side of the bridge was a group of ragged looking men . What I didn 't like were the four crossbowmen on the far wall . The caravan master had us wait and walked to the near side of the bridge . I could hear the brigands making demands and watched as one of the crossbowmen lifted his crossbow . I didn 't wait and took aim . I fired and switched to another man and then another . I took the last crossbowman as the group at the bridge realized something was happening . I shot the leader and then just start shooting anyone that stayed still to long . I killed the last three as they ran for the far gate . After that it was only a matter of dragging the bodies out and bringing the wagons in and across the bridge . I went out with the cart and Jerome and found a small herd of elk . He laughed and nodded before falling silent . I had last watch that night and stood looking out at the low foot hills in the morning light . When I returned to the wagon it was to see a large pile of pelts in the back with Little One curled up on top . I looked at Jerome breaking camp nearby , " This looks like more than half the pelts . " He nodded and all to soon we were headed out . Large wolves ran from the dead bodies as we came out but that was all . The plains turned into low rolling hills and I swung up onto a horse . I had switched to the newer super long and carried it across the saddle bow . I saw the spotted lion as it came closer to the wagons and slid out of the saddle . By now the others in the wagon train knew what that meant and started looking around . Several saw the large cat and pulled out bows . I aimed and fired which made all the horses nervous but they had heard it enough by now . I walked out to the dead animal with Jerome and two other men . The wagons stopped and waited the few minutes it took for us to skin the big cat . Not long after I killed the cat we came to a small deep river . It had a wide stone bridge that I had to study as we crossed . After that we crossed a river or large stream almost every hour and they all had stone bridges . It was a couple of hours before sunset when we reached the dwarven settlements . The walls we came to were huge . At least a hundred feet high with funnel like crenels that would allow bowmen to shoot out at an angle . When we entered the wide gate I discovered the wall was probable twenty meters thick . We came out in a huge caravan yard with corrals to one side and a small party of dwarves waiting . It didn 't take long to put the horses in a corral and I made a quiet camp . That was when Sarah told me she had been offered a position with Jerome and his family . I smiled and relaxed as she made dinner , " You should take it . Jerome is a grumpy dwarf but he has a good heart and his wife seems understanding . " She smiled and nodded , it was after dinner that the small party of dwarves came to the camp . I was leaning back with Little One on my chest . The leader and a gruffly dwarf named Peter squatted across from me , " Jerome says you are a worthy man . " I nodded again as Little One stood to stretch and then hopped off me and headed into the night to explore and hunt . I looked back at Peter who had been watching Little One . He grinned , " Perhaps we can talk about a deal . I will buy your furs and pay for your supplies in exchange for letting my brother and his family travel with you to the Dwarven Tunnels . " I stood and moved to the wagon before pulling a small parchment book out . I flipped to the page I needed as I walked back . Bris had written everything out in a kind or flowing script that was Dwarvish . I turned it to show Peter , " I need these items . " I took the book from him and sat down . I pulled the thin graphite pencil from the binding as I thought about a suppressor for the 45 Super Long rifle . I carefully began to sketch each component as the dwarves gathered around to look over my shoulder . When I finished , I looked back at Peter . He smiled and nodded , " Easy enough . " They grinned and the next thing I knew I was the proud owner of an older pouch and the combined gifts of herbs from all the dwarves . I was even given a small old milk white stone pipe . I was also given a small box of sulfur matches and started a small bowl of herbs . It was as I remembered and seemed to wake me up . Peter finished copying my drawing and they left . Over the next couple of days I went to a dwarf smithy and made a suppresser and Peter sold some of the hides I didn 't want and my extra horses . I kept a few bison hides for cooler weather and purchased new supplies . Sarah left the second day after giving me a hug and a kiss on my cheek . The family of dwarves had four grown men ; Dodson , Samuel , Adalson and Maderson . The mother seemed very nice and there were actually four younger dwarves , two boys and two girls . One of the boys drove my wagon as we headed out the gates . We left with just the two wagons , mine and Dodson 's family . I walked beside my wagon in front carrying my silenced Super Long . Little One lay across my shoulders watching . The dwarf tunnels were only a week away but it was going to be over hills and across a lot of small streams . That night we made camp and settled in . I was to take the middle watch and had just started thinking about crawling into the wagon since it looked like it would rain . The voice that came out of the night had everyone moving towards weapons . I used my night scope to look and saw five people standing just out of the fire light . Dodson called for one to come forward and I got a surprise when a slim man walked to the fire . As I watched him , I realized he wasn 't a man . His hair was white and he had longer ears than a man and an almost delicate face . I cleared my throat , " Tell the others to come in . " That brought his attention to me and his eyes narrowed . Even from where I knelt in the shadows , I saw the yellow cat slit pupils of his eyes . I looked into his eyes without looking away and he smiled before turning to call into the night . It was mix of French and Celtic and I smiled , " You are right , they should watch the human . " He looked at me quickly as the others came forward into the light . My world seemed to slow and then stop as I looked at Ellie . She was younger but I knew it was her . I felt the pain of losing her all over again . I started when Sam touched my shoulder , " Samuel ? " I looked at him and then the others . I turned away and moved into the darkness . I knew it wasn 't really my Ellie but she had looked so much like her , like the way she moved and gestured . I stood in the dark feeling lost and alone more then at anytime since I had come to this world . When Ellie had died my world had ended and I would have welcomed death . I ignored him while he stood as if waiting . Finally he put a hand on my shoulder , " Sometimes those on your world die . They are reborn to live again somewhere else as someone else . Sometimes … rarely … very rarely , the gods step in and one is reborn here . They remember nothing of your world but vague dreams and shadows . " He dropped his hand and walked back towards the camp . Little One clawed her way up my leg and body to crouch on my shoulder and purr . I reached up to touch her body , " Thank you but it does not help . " I laughed as I felt my face . I had looked at myself just a couple of days before . She was right , I didn 't look my age . I looked maybe twenty five , " That is another story , El . " I nodded and gestured back to the camp before pulling Little One down into my arms where she purred loudly . Everyone looked up as we came into camp . The four that had been with her when they came to the camp sat by the fire and looked at me . I could see they were like that first … person . A small shape scampered out of the dark and headed straight for Ellie . She barely paused as she knelt and scooped up a tabby cat that looked a little older then Little One . Little One lifted her head and I smiled as her eyes brightened . I bent and set her down , " Do not stay up all night . " I nodded to Dodson and headed to my wagon . I laid back thinking and fell asleep with the vision of Ellie . I woke to the slight shifting of the wagon and then rain . Even in the dark I knew it was Ellie . Little One purred by my head and from somewhere next to her an answering purr sounded . I reached to where I had the generating flashlight and wound it up as she sat on the bed . I turned the light on and her eyes widened . I sat up and turned to put my feet on the floor . Ellie looked from me to the flashlight and back before grinning . She looked at me with sparkling eyes , " The dwarf Dodson said you had mid watch . Would you mind if I stayed in your wagon ? " I grinned and finished lacing my boots before shutting the flashlight off so my eyes would adjust to the night . I could hear Ellie as she shifted and then I heard her boots drop . I smiled , " El ? Who are those … people you came with ? " I grinned , " This has been a lot like Alice in wonderland . I fell down a hole and now I am in a world of fantasy . I have spoken and made friends with a dragon , met Dwarves and Elves . The only thing left would be to meet a wizard . " Ellie didn 't laugh , she shifted on my bed , " Well … you have met a mage . I guess that would be close to a wizard . Wizards are all stuffy old men anyway . " I slipped out of the wagon and shivered as the rain started soaking through my clothes . I found Adalson by the horses and sent him to bed . I made a round using my thermal scope and stood under some trees by the horses . The sound of rain was loud but there was another sound that drew my attention . I looked through my scope and saw what at first I thought was a small dragon . It glowed in the thermal image as if very hot . I followed its head as it looked to one side and saw a second one and then a third . The third was sideways and I sighted on a spot behind the ear and fired . The sound of the shot was muffled and not really that loud . The one I had shot was down and the other two charged . I shot the second straight through the throat and shifted to the last . It was almost on me as four arrows struck it and I fired . I put three rounds through its chest and then looked out at the second one . It was down and thrashing around like it was trying to breath . I shot it through the head and it stilled . I looked at the four elves as they drifted out of the night . One said something to the others and headed out towards the bodies . I looked back as lanterns flared to life and the dwarves came towards us . The horses had stirred at my firing but had settled down . I looked from him to Ellie and she nodded before softly murmuring something that didn 't sound like a real language . The whole area lit up to show the three dead drakes . She looked at Green Bow , " Nested ? " Dodson turned and gestured to the others and they headed out . Ellie shivered as she looked around in the light rain . She looked at me , " You are much more than you seem . " I laughed and looked out at the busy dwarves as they skinned the three dead animals . The elves drifted away and I was left to keep watch . Almost as soon as the dwarves walked past me and into camp the glow that lit the area died . When I was relieved , I walked to the wagon and climbed in . I stripped out of my wet clothes and heard Ellie shifting on the bed . I smiled in her direction but only moved to the chest at the head of the bed . I took my time wiping down my rifle and cleaning it . The years had taught me that light wasn 't always needed to do things and I was comfortable sitting in the dark . I hesitated when I finished and set the rifle aside . I moved to the bed and wasn 't surprised that the covers were held up for me . I slipped in and turned to face away as Ellie snuggled against my back and Little One crawled down into my arms purring . I woke to the hint of dawn and the warm feeling of my wife against my back . I slowly looked over my shoulder to see Ellie looking back and smiling . I slid out of bed and set Little One up with Charles before opening a chest . She smiled and sat up and held out her hand . I pulled a shirt out and finished dressing . I smiled to see Ellie wearing only the shirt as she followed me out . I watched as she headed to the elves and turned to go speak with Dodson . He apologized for accepting the elves but said they would be worthy companions . I went to my horses and put their feed bags on while getting them ready . Unlike the plains , I had eight horses pulling the wagon with two following on long leads . I checked each horse and harnessed them . When I was finished and the feed bags were removed , it was time to go . It was in the late afternoon that I signaled to bring the wagons together for the night . We were beside a wide shallow stream and I was thinking of trying my luck . The wagons formed a vee with the horses inside . I dug out my rod and set my rifle on the bank before taking my boots off and wadding in . The dwarves looked at me the same way Bris and the other dwarves had . The elves looked wary and curious and Ellie looked amused . It was the third cast that brought the first strike . I fought the fish and backed to the edge of the stream . The dwarves were all staring wide eyed and crowding around . The elves looked surprise and Ellie had a huge grin . I landed the fish and headed back out for another . That first fish had to weight at least five pounds . The next cast brought a huge surge of water as the fish jumped and started fighting . When it was over I had two very large fish to clean . I was beside the stream gutting the fish when the bear came out . It roared and everyone seemed to freeze in fear as the horses in camp screamed . The elves were slowly pulling theirs bows from their shoulders . I slowly stood and faced the huge bear from no more than a dozen feet . I was afraid for Ellie and dropped the knife I was using , " Move behind me . " It was said quietly but she heard . The bear stood and roared again and I drew my pistol . It seems that moments of extreme stress only made my aim better . The bear was huge , easily twelve feet tall . I shot it five times rapidly under the jaw , angled up . The head snapped back and the bear seemed to stand there frozen before falling . I moved forward as it spasmed and died . I put the hammer down before holstering the pistol and turning to everyone staring at me in shock . I smiled at Dodson 's wife , " Would you salt a haunch for me ? " She grinned and the elves chuckled . After cleaning and filleting the fish , I started skinning the bear and Ellie helped me . This was something she would never have done … I reminded myself this wasn 't exactly my Ellie . The Dwarves carved up the meat while I rolled up the hide . In camp I set the bear skin aside and pulled out my cooking utensils . I used herbs with salt and pepper to cook the fish . Ellie sat beside me looking hungry and I put the first fillet on a wooden plate with some water crests and spicy rice . She looked at it and me while the elves and dwarves watched . They were all eating bear steaks but watched as Ellie tasted the fish . I smiled and slid a second fillet onto her plate before starting mine . I cleaned up after dinner and pulled out my pistol which made everyone stop what they were doing . I pulled my cleaning kit out of the wagon and sat down to unload the pistol and take it apart . I cleaned it and put a light coat of oil back on before putting it together and reloading it . I sighed and pulled the bear skin out and unrolled it . I started scrapping it and Ellie silently began helping me again . She had been silent since dinner and now she started talking , " Trolls are only found in the forests or high in the mountains . They have very hard skin and arrows don 't penetrate . " She smiled at me , " Orcs … Orcs are very dangerous . They are five feet tall with greenish skin and no hair . They travel in huge packs and kill anything and everything they find . " I looked at her and she nodded , " Then there are gnomes . They are a shy reclusive people . They also live in the heavy forests . Sometimes in even large dwarven communities . " I tossed it to him and then rolled the skin and tied it to the side of the wagon . I grabbed a large towel and turned for the river . Ellie touched my arm , " May I join you ? " I looked at her and nodded before turning to the river . At the edge I stripped and picked up the wash cloth and soap . Ellie stood in the water and smiled as she lifted her arms to murmur her made up language . I felt a tingle as if a current of electricity had passed through me . She held out her hand , " We are safe now Samuel . " Her throaty chuckle made me grin . Our bath was one of remembered touches and caresses . When we finished , I dressed and waited to walk to my wagon holding her hand . That night I held her against me afraid to sleep . When she whispered softly I felt my mind slipping and then I was blinking awake . I caressed her face and slid out of bed before I did something . We had only been walking a short time that day when I glimpsed something moving through the brush . I switched sides with Ellie , " We have company . " Ellie had made a sound and signaled to the elves . They spread out as I looked around and thumbed the safety off my riffle . When the little grey creatures attacked , I reacted and brought the rifle up . I fired rapidly into the large crowd of rushing creatures . By the time they reached me there were only a few left and arrows took them quickly . I looked around when it was over and didn 't see anymore . I looked at one of the elves as he drew a sword and walked through the creatures and stabbed each one . I looked at Ellie , " Those were goblins ? " I turned one over and looked at its open mouth and the only thing I could think of to describe it was sharks teeth . I looked around and nodded to Dodson to start moving again . The next attack came just before we stopped for the night . They came out of a brush choked gully and I spun as Ellie gestured and murmured something . A jagged bolt of what looked like lightning jumped from her staff to strike one of the rushing goblins . It glowed and then the bolt jumped to another as the first dropped to the ground smoking . I ignored everything and started shooting the closest ones . When it was over the ground was littered with dead and smoking bodies . We were careful about how and where we made camp . That night there was no fire , after we made dinner it was put out so it wouldn 't attract more goblins . I worked on the bear skin until it began to get dark . I had first watch and Ellie walked around the camp with me . When Adalson relieved me , she took my hand a led me to my wagon . Little One and Charlie looked up from the furs on the chest behind the wagon seat . Ellie stripped and pushed my hands away from my shirt to undress me . She looked into my face , " We were once husband and wife Samuel . I still feel that bond and I know you do also . " Ellie put her finger to my lips , " I am both the same and different than the Ellie in your heart . Just as you are both the same and different then the Samuel in my dreams . I have thought hard about this and have decided to accept my husband back into my life . " I woke to dawns light with Ellie was still snuggled against my back . Little One hopped onto the bed and lay down against my chest purring . I shifted and stroked her fur before sliding out of bed and dressing . When I dropped out of the wagon , Green Bow looked up from his bed beneath the wagon . I glanced around and went to start a morning fire . I had just gotten the pot of water to boil when everyone began appearing . The first hint of something came with the snort of one horse . That snort rang bells that brought me to my feet with my rifle coming to my shoulder . I shifted and moved slowly towards the horses . Green Bow and the other elves had stood and pulled their bows out . The dwarfs were looking around cautiously . The rush came suddenly , it was a huge band of goblins . I didn 't even hesitate before starting to shoot . The creatures dropped and still kept coming . I changed magazines six times and they still flooded out of the dawns light . Ellie was throwing some type of fire balls that exploded and the elves were shooting arrows . The dwarfs were using compact crossbows but I was baring the brunt of the attack . When the bolt locked back on my last magazine I dropped the rifle and drew the sword Bris had given me . I moved into the rushing monsters as Ellie yelled . It was like I was back in the jungles where my life began . I sliced and danced as I blocked or avoided goblins trying to swarm over me . It was a life time later that I stabbed through the throat of a rabid goblin and looked around . Everything was quiet , the ground around me was littered with dead goblins . I glanced at the camp and everyone was looking back with wide eyes . I looked down at my blood soaked clothes and shook my head . I started back towards the camp , bending to retrieve my rifle . I smiled , " I think I 'll wash before we start off this morning . " I was looking at Ellie and she smiled and shook her head . The stream I used ran red before my bath was over . I had to wash several times to get the stink off . I pulled a set of black combat utilities out and dressed before reloading all my magazines . I stayed in my wagon as we started and quickly cleaned my sword and rifle . I dropped out and pulled Little One down and draped her across my shoulders . Ellie grinned at that and bent to pick up Charles as he meowed . Green Bow moved forward , " You are very good with the sword . " I thought about that question and how to answer . I looked at Ellie and smiled , " I led a life as a combat soldier and then I met my Ellie . She was a teacher for a university … a type of school . She was the one to introduce me to other teachers . Five years after she … died , I was dying . I was in a hospital and one of our friends came to me . He had created tiny robots … " I saw both him and Ellie nod but they weren 't happy . I smiled , " That is as close a description as I can think of . They aren 't good or bad , they are tiny machines that just do what they were told to do . In this case they were designed to destroy or remove … bad growths inside a human body . They remove diseases from the blood too . They also cause the body to regenerate . " It was two more days before we reached the entrance to the dwarven tunnels . The rest of the journey was calm with no attacks . We did see signs of drakes a couple of times but none approach us . The evenings were cooler now that we were entering the edge of a mountain range . I had finished cleaning and tanning the large bear skin . Dodson directed me to a huge stone stable after we entered the gate . Several dwarf lads took the horses to a small corral after I parked the wagon . Green Bow and the other elves waved as they continued towards the large mouth of the main tunnel . I looked at Ellie and she smiled , " We might as well get comfortable , dwarves tend to take their time . " Little One only flirted her tail as she kept going and Ellie laughed . I smiled and went to the wagon to bring out my dirty clothes . I looked around and Ellie laughed again before calling one of the dwarf lads . One came out looking annoyed and she smiled sweetly , " Would you happen to know of a nearby service to clean clothes ? " I laughed , " Tell you what . I will give you these and mage Ellie 's robes to be cleaned . I will pay you a silver when they are done . " She grinned as I turned to give the lad the clothes . He grinned back at me , " Go inside the tunnel and take the first left . At the arched doorway on the right , go in . " I took Ellie 's hand and we headed into the tunnel . We found the doorway the lad told us about and walked in . All around us was the hum and murmur of voices from hundreds of dwarves . Light filtered down from high overhead and I could see huge seems of crystal . I grinned and pulled Ellie after me as I headed into the busy market . I headed through the solid looking shop like stalls walking slowly . I stopped when I saw the emerald green cloth on a counter . I grinned at the two dwarf women , " How long to make a nice dress ? " I looked at Ellie as I pulled my large pouch of silver and started bargaining . I had noticed several other bolts of cloth in many colors . In the end I bought Ellie four dresses , the other three were to be finished and delivered to our wagon . While I waited for her I looked around the nearby stalls . I was not surprised when Little One clawed her way up my body and lay draped across my shoulders . I found another shop that was selling capes and bought three . One for me and two for Ellie , one was fur lined . I returned to the dress shop to find Charles draped across the counter while several young dwarf girls pet him . I smiled as Little One sniffed and meowed in complaint . I reached up to caress her while looking towards the back of the shop . A grumpy looking dwarf with a beard down onto his chest stomped down the isle and looked up at me , " You Samuel Grey ? " He turned and stomped off and I shook my head as Little One mewed softly . I caressed her and glanced at the back of the shop as Ellie opened the curtain and stepped out . She was stunning in the long dress and smiled as she walked towards me , " He was a grumpy old man . " We stopped at a food vender on the way out and carried two meat and goat cheese sandwiches back to the wagon . I set Little One down as Charles meowed at her and they disappeared into the barn . Ellie grinned , " They must be going for lunch . " I tossed the new robes in the back of our wagon and sat with Ellie to eat . A large group of dwarf men and women approached as we were finishing . I noticed Dodson walking along with those in the lead and sighed , " Another recommendation . " Ellie laughed and leaned against my shoulder . The group gathered around us and sat down . One old dwarf that looked ancient cleared his throat , " We have a problem and you were recommended as someone that might solve it for us . " He nodded and they all stood . Tolivar stayed as the others walked back towards the tunnel . I sighed and handed Ellie my pouch of silver , " Would you mind looking in the marketplace for some of the pipe herbs ? " Tolivar grinned as we watched her head back into the tunnel . I pulled out my note book and gave him a list of what I needed . It was basically everything I needed to reload and make more bullets . I climbed into the wagon and started pulling out my extra magazines and ammo . I sat and started preparing . I had only done one mission underground and it was not a pleasant memory . I glanced at Ellie when she came back but kept working . I finally set everything aside and sat back and closed my eyes . She moved behind me and started rubbing my temples like she had done in the past , " Goblins are like weasels Samuel . Once they know prey is there they can not stop themselves from killing . It is a kind of blood lust . " When Tolivar returned , I started making more bullets . It was late when Ellie pulled me to bed in the wagon . I woke to the sound of a lot of voices . Ellie shifted and moved to get up , " A wagon train from Kendal . It sounds like they have wounded . " I sat up and began to dress as Ellie climbed out of the wagon . The area around the stable was full of wagons and horses , with dwarves and humans moving around both . I started helping with the wounded and was almost sickened at some . The goblins that had attacked them did not try to kill before eating and some wounds were horrific . The sun was up before everything calmed down . I sat with Ellie and ate some bread and cheese before putting my gear on . Tolivar returned as I was finishing a shoulder bag that held extra magazines . When Ellie stood to come with me I almost told her to stay . Little One and Charles trotted at our feet as we headed into the tunnel . Ellie grinned and bent to scoop up Charles . Little One leaped and used her claws to climb my body to her perch on my shoulders . Most of the tunnels were well travel until late afternoon when we reached a large shaft . Inside was a pulley operated wooden elevator . Tolivar explained that it mostly used giant stone counter weights . I think we rose about a thousand feet before coming to a stop . Not even a hundred paces away was a second elevator that took us up another thousand feet . When we got off that elevator we stopped in a large room that looked like a common room and even had a stone fireplace . Of course they used coal they dumped into a basket beside it . The other dwarves busied themselves and Tolivar sat with Ellie and I . He cleared his throat , " A short walk from here is another lift that will take us up to the level where the goblins are . That set of tunnels extends out to just below the tree line off the trail that leads to the high pass . There are about five leagues of tunnels we will be searching so it is a good idea to be fresh when we start . " Little One and Charles both hopped off our laps and went exploring . It was an hour later that Little One scampered back and jumped into my lap , a few moments after that the supplies started arriving . That night I slept lightly with Ellie in my arms and my pistol in my hand . We were up early and ate before the dwarves finally decided it was time to start . She mewed and sat but I was not sure she would stay and shook my head as I moved to the front of the lift . When the lift came to a halt I brought the rifle up and looked through the scope . I nodded and gestured before moving forward . I watched as the dwarves set up a hasty position . I had studied the tunnel diagrams and moved forward slowly when the dwarves were ready . The plan had been to check and clear tunnels thought to be free of goblins . The first tunnel went deeper into the mountain before coming to an end . When we returned to the tunnel intersection I waited while they blocked it . The second tunnel was the same and then we started on the third . We had barely entered when I saw the goblins . Looking through my scope , I almost became sick as I saw them ripping another goblin apart and eating it . I stopped everyone and took a deep breath before taking aim . I fired until the magazine was empty and then changed it . That was when the goblins attacked . I fired rapidly and went through three magazines before they even got close . There were only a few left when I started on the next magazine and that was when the dwarves fired a volley of crossbow bolts . It was quiet after that and the dwarves started down the tunnel killing any wounded goblins . I replaced the used magazines with loaded ones from the shoulder bag . Ellie took the empties and made them disappear somewhere . We checked the tunnel carefully and I watched as the dwarves started removing the bodies . We still had four more tunnels to check . The one that exited out onto the pass was going to be the last one . After we finished checking and blocking the tunnel we moved back to the lift . We rested and drank water before eating bread rolls and cheese . Little One and Charles found a large rodent somewhere and were having a feast of their own while the dwarves laughed . Finally I stood and we headed for the next tunnel . I moved slowly scanning ahead of us with the scope . The group of goblins I found was small but almost seemed to smell us as I started shooting . I knew when we entered the next tunnel it would be different . I had a large group at extreme range rushing towards us . I started firing and changing magazines , I was on the fifth before the dwarves began using their crossbows . The bolt of lightning that exploded in their midst startled me but I kept firing . When I dropped the magazine the last goblin fell with three bolts in its chest . I reloaded the rifle and then placed full magazines in empty holders . Again Ellie made the empty magazines disappear . I shook my head , " do not lose those , I might need them later . " Slowly we checked the tunnel and then the dwarves started removing the bodies . I was almost tempted to ask what they did with them but Ellie must have read my mind . She leaned against me as we held our bond cats , " They have a system of cartiers waiting on the level below that take the bodies to a narrow cleft and dump them over a cliff . " I smiled as he turned to watch the other dwarves . When they finished we went to the lifts and descended slowly to the next level . It was a quiet evening as I cleaned my rifle and reloaded the empty magazines Ellie handed me with a small smile . Little One stayed close as I lay in bed with Ellie holding me . I woke to a crash and yelling . I rolled out of bed reaching for my rifle . I reached the doorway to see goblins fighting several dwarves in the common room . I killed one biting the shoulder of a nearby dwarf and Ellie shouted a spell that lit the room with bright light . I shot another across the room as it leaped toward the back of a dwarf already struggling with a goblin . Other dwarves rushed past as I shot a goblin off Tolivar . I moved into the room and shot goblins as I went past them . When it was over there were twenty goblins on the floor and two dwarves . I quickly went and dressed while Ellie and other dwarves began taking care of the wounded . I reloaded the magazine I had used and came back into the room . I kept firing as dwarves hurried into the hall . They knew better then to get between me and the goblins as I dropped the magazine and replaced it . They lined up and prepared their crossbows as I went through another magazine . The goblins finally started rushing towards us as I started on the third magazine . Of course by then there were only a few left . I nodded and walked towards the lift . It did not take long before the dwarves had the lift packed and ready . I knelt inside and used the scope as we began heading up . It was clear all the way to the next level . I led the way to the second tunnel and began to slowly move down it . This one was a little longer than the others . Somehow I was surprised when we did not find any goblins . We moved back to the lift and I watched the last tunnel as they began blocking the one we just came out of . Little One and Charles both appeared running from the last tunnel and I could hear a distant roaring . I glanced at Ellie before bringing the rifle up , " That was not a goblin . " I did not see anything for awhile and then they were rushing towards us from the bend over two hundred paces away . I started firing and went through a magazine and then a second and third . I started on the fourth when the larger bodies appeared behind the goblins . I concentrated on the goblins in front as I fired , " There are three bigger animals behind them . " I started firing again as the dwarves fired blindly down the tunnel . When the rifle locked back after the sixth magazine , I let it fall on its strap and pulled my pistol . I ignored the several goblins as I aimed at the closest drake . I shot it three times , twice in the chest and once through the head . I switched to the next drake as lightning exploded down the tunnel . I shot the second drake like I had the first and dropped my pistol to pull the sword over my shoulder . I side stepped and swung the sword to take the head from the third drake . Quiet came to the tunnel as I knelt to retrieve my pistol and wipe my sword clean . I replaced the magazine in the pistol and then the rifle . I kept watch and moved forward with the dwarves as they checked and killed any goblin still alive . When we reached the bend in the tunnel I shifted the rifle and came around the corner looking through the scope . The large creature was something I had never seen . It roared and the dwarves panicked and ran . It had to bend its neck as it lumber towards me . I knelt as I remembered Ellie telling me they had thick skins . I aimed at the throat and fired slowly . After six bullets it was still staggering towards me . It opened its mouth to roar again and I shot it through the mouth . Its head snapped back as it froze and then fell . It started jerking and twitching and I glanced back to see Ellie standing there wide eyed . I reached back to touch her and she shook herself , " I never thought I would see a troll or see one killed . " I moved forward around the twitching body and then started checking the rest of the tunnel . At the very end was a common room with a wide doorway . Ellie crossed to it and glanced out before looking back , " The troll must have chased the goblins and drakes in here . " I led her back through the tunnel until we reached the lift . We yelled down the shaft for ten minutes before we were answered . Even then it was a full lift that came up to get us . At first they did not believe I had killed the troll and then they had to creep down the tunnel to check . Finally there was jubilation before they began clearing the dead away while Ellie and I sat with our smug looking bond cats . When we finally made it back to my wagon the whole dwarf community was celebrating . No one had touched anything in my wagon and it was late when I pulled Ellie into bed and held her against me before closing my eyes . I spent the next three days replacing ammunition I had used . Ellie was very good at finding the supplies we needed and bargaining for them . When we led the team of horses out the gate there were dwarves that lined the way . As we walked we looked at the stunning colors of fall . Little One scampered out of a bush with Charles chasing her . She ran right up my body as Charles detoured to leap up into Ellie 's arms . Four days later we stopped early to camp beside the entrance into the dwarven tunnels . Ellie had purchased sacks of grain and I put feed bags on each horse before heading out to gather wood for a fire . Tiny light snow flakes began falling before I brought the first arm load of wood in . She glanced up and grinned , " We have company . " I grinned with Ellie and set the wood down . It was a nice evening but after eating it began to snow a little harder . Little One and Charles both grumbled about wet feet and went to hide in the wagon . I had moved a few warm furs to the bed a few days before when it began getting cooler at night . He stood and headed for the doorway without looking back . It was still snowing lightly the next morning as we headed towards the pass . It was not a blizzard but I knew it could get bad . I had Ellie sit in the driver 's seat of the wagon while I guided the horses . I was a little worried one of the horses might slip and break a leg but they seemed to do fine . Even the extra horses behind the wagon carrying more grain did okay . We stopped for a lunch under some tall pines . I made a small fire and smiled at her amazement when I made grill cheese sandwiches . Ellie walked with me during the afternoon . By the time we stopped for the night in a thick stand of evergreens it was snowing a little harder . Little One and Charles went out to explore while I gathered wood . We fed the horses grain warmed in a mash before cooking our own dinner . Ellie surprised me by walking around our camp and whispering a spell . She smiled and told me it was to ward off wild animals . We were just getting ready to climb into the wagon . The creature that stepped out surprised me . It was only two feet tall and covered in fur . Then I realized it was wearing a type of fur robe or overcoat . Ellie knelt , " How may we help little one ? " Ellie stood and moved back to the fire and added another few sticks . I sat on a fallen log and waited . She finally turned to face me , " They are Gnomes . Very timid and rarely seen . They normally live in heavy forests . " The others had gathered around and a younger female busied herself cooking . I sat beside Ellie as they ate and cleaned up before looking around . I smiled and stood to walk to the wagon . I pulled out a couple of bison skins I had been using on the floor . I laid one out and folded the other before walking out to look for what I needed . When I came in I was carrying several sticks . I pulled out some leather strings I had started collecting and made a dome shaped frame . I went to the fur and set the frame down and draped the second skin over it . I turned and bowed , " It should stay nice and warm . " I followed Ellie into the wagon and undressed before slipping in beside her . She shivered and held me tight as the blankets slowly warmed . Little One meowed and crawled under the blanket and then Ellie squeaked as Charles did the same against her back . I woke to Little One purring and kneading my chest . I pet her and rubbed her face as Ellie shifted and woke behind me . The two bond cats climbed out when we got up to dress . The chill made me wish for an electric heater . I dropped from the wagon and walked to where the fire had been but it was covered in snow and more still fell . I squatted and used a pine branch to brush some of the snow away before building another fire . Once it was going , I went to check the horses and feed them some grain . When I came back to the fire the gnomes were up and moving around . Ellie was beside the fire toasting bread and cheese . Little One and Charles were both being petting by the gnome children . He nodded and turned away . After breaking our fast , I harnessed the horses while Ellie helped the gnomes into the wagon . She rode on the wagon seat most of the time , talking to the gnomes . I was careful leading the horses on the snow covered trail . I was carrying my bow and managed to kill several rabbits along the way . I skinned them and cleaned them before handing them up to Ellie . I knew they would last a long time in this cold . She gave the skins to the gnomes who cleaned them as we traveled . We reached the highest part of the pass just before I decided to stop for the night . I picketed the horses in front of the wagon while Ellie and the gnomes started a fire beside it . After putting a blanket on each horse and fitting a feed bag over their heads I went to help Ellie . She smiled and stood to stretch before starting a walk around the camp with her staff . I left to gather wood for the fire as the gnomes pulled a bison fur under the wagon . I returned with my arms full of tree limbs and pulling a large heavy branch behind me . The gnomes had the tent I had made set up with another skin fitted over it . As we ate dinner the elder gnome man talked about switching the horses on the trail down . Putting four horses to pull if needed and the others behind the wagon to resist or act as brakes . I was a little surprised when Little One and Charles went into the gnome tent to sleep . Ellie shivered as I slipped into bed and held her . It was awhile before we warmed up from the chill of being in the snow all day . I woke in the middle of the night with Ellie shifting around . She whispered , " Something is near . " I slid out of bed ignoring the cold as I quickly dressed . I grabbed my rifle before climbing out of the wagon . I switched the thermal sight on and slowly turned as I looked through the scope . The small shape that appeared was familiar . Ellie touched my shoulder , " Do you need light ? " She blinked and turned to gesture . A globe of light sprang to life and we both saw the small huddled form in the snow . I shook my head as I started forward , " Wait here . " When I reached the drake it growled weakly . I knelt beside it and reached out to hold the neck before releasing my rifle and shifting closer . It was the size of a small dog and weighted even less . I used my other hand to turn it and then lift . It growled but did not pull away as I stood and held it against me . I do not know why but I headed back to the wagon and bed . I only took my gear off before climbing under the pile of furs and held the small drake against me . It shifted and growled a few times but it was not long before it was asleep . Ellie had climbed back in bed behind me and rubbed my back before snuggling close . I woke to the drake shifting around and lifted the furs to look at it . It sniffed but did not growl or bite which I thought was a good sign . I climbed out of bed thinking real hard about making a gas heater . After putting everything on , I dug out a fur skin and then reached in to lift the drake out . I tucked it into the fur before climbing out of the wagon . Of course it was still snowing and it took a little longer to get the fire going . I set one of the dead rabbits from yesterday beside the fire to thaw . Ellie climbed out to join me and then the gnomes came out . Of course the drake growled again but I just reached into the fur and rubbed it under the chin and it calmed down . The gnomes were a little hesitant but finally started moving around the fire to warm up . I gave the rabbit to the little drake and went to check and feed the horses . It was an interesting day , I carried the drake around with me and more than once Little One would meow from the wagon in displeasure . I left the drake with Ellie when I went out hunting at midday . Little One rode my shoulders and rubbed against my neck the whole time . I used my bow to kill the four rabbits I found instead of my rifle . Like the day before I skinned and cleaned them before handing them to Ellie . The drake rode in the wagon the rest of the day . I think it enjoyed the attention the gnomes gave it . There was an overhang beside the trail that had seen many fires . It was huge , more than large enough to put the horses in the back where someone had cleared all the rocks and made a crude fence . The wagon even fit under the edge and we sat by a cheerful fire that evening . I cut a rabbit up and we took turns tossing the pieces to the drake as I lay beside the fire . Ellie had walked along the edge of the overhang and done one of her spells to ward us from animals . I looked out into the snowy night and saw that it was snowing even harder . She leaned against me , " We start going down tomorrow . " She laughed and the drake looked up . She gestured and tossed the last piece of rabbit . The gnomes were almost cheerful as they said good night . When Ellie and I climbed into the wagon it was to see Little One and Charles curled around and on the young drake . Ellie smiled and murmured something that made the air in the wagon seem warm . I woke to wind shaking the wagon and glanced at Ellie still asleep . The two bond cats were still draped over the young drake and they all seemed to be purring . I shook my head and climbed out before dressing . As soon as I dropped to the ground I knew today was going to be bad . Snow fell thicker and the wind was blowing harder . I moved to the horses and was surprised to feel it warmer in their corral . I fed the horses and went back to start the fire . I put water on to boil and headed out into the storm to try to find more wood . I moved along the cliff face and had not gone very far before I came to a huge wind fall of branches . The old gnome woman nodded as she started making their breakfast . I stood and went to bring a rabbit body back to the edge of the fire so it would thaw out . I looked into the back of the wagon to see Ellie tickling the drake , " I am going out to hunt . " She nodded and sat up as I turned away . I grabbed my bow and headed into the falling snow . I was a little surprised at how many rabbits I found . When I returned to camp it was with six fat plump rabbits . I had already skinned and cleaned them and hung all but two on the outside of the wagon . Beside the fire Ellie took the rabbits , " I was thinking of a nice stew . " I grinned and stood up to take the heavy coat off before moving to the wagon . I hunted around until I found the roots and the small jars of preserved vegetables . I pulled out the large pot and carried everything back to the fire . It was a slow day of watching the heavy snow fall . I did go out several times to bring the rest of the dead fall back to the overhang . I woke the next morning to a sense of calm , the snow had stopped falling . It was a little different going down the other side of the pass with some of the horses behind the wagon to slow it down . I went out hunting at noon when we took a break . I used my bow again and had both rabbits and what I thought were grouse when I came back . Almost from the moment we started moving again it started snowing . It started off light but quickly grew heavier . I knew we were in trouble when I could not see the wagon from the lead horse . I stopped and went back to pull out my thermal scope and push Ellie up onto the wagon with both bond cats . The hours crawled by as we followed the trail with me using the thermal scope to see the way . It was just after dark before I saw the cliff beside the trail disappear leaving the wind and snow behind . I led the horses into the huge cave and Ellie dropped off the wagon as she brought light into the cave . Right away I saw the cave had been used as a way point , it even had a corral and small stone hut . With cold , shaking fingers I unharnessed the horses and put them in the corral . Ellie had found wood and started a large fire in front of the hut . I fed the horses a double measure of feed and started rubbing them down . By the time I finished Ellie and the gnomes had a tasty dinner ready . The glow Ellie had made faded as I sat and held my hands out to the fire . The gnomes looked at me with respect but it was Little One that warmed me by just crawling from my shoulder down into my shirt . I shivered as her small furry body vibrated and began warming me . The drake even crawled into my lap and Ellie grinned . I finally relaxed and scratched the drake under the chin as Ellie passed bowls of rabbit stew out . I ate while Ellie pulled everything out for the gnomes and set up some protective spells . After feeding the drake I headed to bed , I was worn out from fighting my way through the storm . I blinked awake and glanced back at Ellie before slipping out of bed . Both the bond cats were missing as well as the drake . One glance at the gnomes tent told me where they were . I went to check the horses and feed them before building the fire up . I went to the mouth of the cave to see that it had stopped snowing . The day actually went smoothly and just before I was ready to call it a day , another larger overhang appeared . Four days later we walk off the last hill in the trail and entered a thick evergreen forest . I pulled the horses to a stopped and helped Ellie unload everything of the gnomes . It was two days later that we heard the sound of fighting . I wanted to have Ellie wait but she jumped from the wagon to the light dusting of snow . I tied the horses and pulled up my rifle as we moved forward . We came around a tree with drooping limbs to see a small clearing . In the center of the clearing were six men fighting back to back against five times as many orcs . I knelt and started shooting while Ellie watched behind us . When I changed the magazine all the orcs were dead or dying . I stood and we moved forward , the men turned out to be elves and they were all wounded in one way or another . Ellie stayed and I went back to bring the wagon closer . Ellie did what she could and we put the elves in the wagon before I led the horses back to the trail . As we walked I thought about the orcs . Ellie gestured to one side and I followed her lead and turned the horses . It was not long before we came to an old set of ruins . I took one look before working the wagon through into a walled courtyard . I began setting up the camp as Ellie helped the elves out of the wagon . One of them glanced at me , " more orcs will come . That was only a small advance party . " She smiled and did something that made her staff appear . A few minutes later the ground shook slightly and loose stones started flowing across the ground to fill the entrance . I unhitched the horses while she helped the rangers . There was a large tower in one corner with the top broken off and collapsed in on itself . I checked it and there was no way in but through the one doorway . It was barely large enough to hold the horses and Ellie helped me move them in . There was one set of broken stairs on the wall by the entrance and I went up . After checking I returned and helped Ellie moved the elves to the doorway of the broken tower . I pulled out my pack and a few more magazines before moving back to the tower doorway and setting the pack down . I went back up on the wall and knelt to wait . Every time I glanced back Ellie was always watching . It was almost three hours before they surged out of the forest in one huge wave . I did not even hesitate as I started firing . I went through four magazines before I turned to move down the stairs . I backed towards the tower as the orcs started coming over the wall . I started picking them off as fast as they appeared . I knelt when I reached the tower and continued to kill orcs . Now they were dropping to the ground and rushed towards me . I was going through magazines quickly , one shot , one kill . Finally the slide locked back , I yanked the sling off and pulled my sword as I let the rifle drop . I moved forward into the rushing orcs and began killing them as I danced an unforgettable dance . My world narrowed to slash , step , block , slide , lunge , whirl , cut , shift , stab , block , step … It went on and on until there were no more orcs attacking . I sighed and knelt as the fatigue I had pushed away returned . Ellie was suddenly there and kneeling to hold me , " Are you hurt my love ? " I shook my head as I began picking up the dropped magazines . I walked to the wagon as the elves began the task of dragging the orcs to one side . Ellie pulled out supplies to fix dinner as I set the pack down and started undressing . Ellie gestured to one side , " Throw the clothes there and I will see if I can get the blood out . " I nodded and finished before taking a clean rag that was offered . I used water from the barrel on the side of the wagon and started washing . One by one the elves moved to copy what I was doing . We were eating when something made me turn my head towards a wall . I rolled to my feet as my pistol came up and fired . The orc standing on the wall fall back . I was carrying eight spare magazines for the pistol , each with ten rounds . We did not have long to wait as suddenly the orcs were spilling over the wall and rushing towards me . I made every shot count and went through the magazines quickly . The elves helped by using bows and even more orcs fell . Finally there were only a couple left as the slide locked back and I dropped it into the holster and reached for my sword . I did not have to touch it as several arrows from the elves took the orcs . I was quiet as the dim light showed the carnage . I headed straight for the wagon and pulled out all the ammo I had as well as my old rifle and vest . She nodded and I went back to loading the magazines . I gestured to one of the elves and showed him how to load the magazines . We were almost done when movement on the wall had me turning , the rifle snapped to my shoulder and I fired . It was a good thing I had thought to add the thermal scope . My shots were deliberate , fire , shift fire shift … Ellie shifted and summoned another one of her lights . It helped but I did not let it distract me . When the orc suddenly dropped from the tower above us , I tilted the barrel and shot through his head before going back to shooting at the ones trying to rush across the bodies in front of us . Another elf knelt and hesitantly reached for my old rifle . I only glanced at him before continuing to fire , " On the left side is a small lever . Turn it until it clicks once . The magazine only holds thirty rounds . On the right side is a button to release the old magazine . " It did not take him long to learn and then the orcs were dying much faster . Another orc dropped from above and a small bolt slammed into his chest before I could kill it . The elf beside me managed to keep reloading the magazines as I emptied them . As suddenly as it started , it was over . I looked around and started reloading only to have my hands pushed away , " Rest . " I sighed and pulled my pistol and started showing the elf that had been using my old rifle how to load and use it . Little One and Charles both scampered across the bloody ground to rub against Ellie and I . When they came again it was with a rush as one just dropped from above to land in front of me . He jerked as the pistol exploded twice and it fell back . Ellie created her spell light and I was back to firing as orcs flowed over the wall . My old rifle was empty within a few minutes and as I dropped the fifth magazine the pistol locked back for the last time . I was on the second to last magazine when the orcs stopped coming over the wall . I stood and gathered everything up , " Time to go . " Ellie 's spell to remove the stones blocking the entrance caused them to explode out , clearing the way . The elves were miracle workers with the horses and had them harnessed in no time . I put Little One and Charles in the wagon with the elves and helped Ellie up onto the seat . I hesitated before stripping to just pants with my sword over my shoulder . I led the horses out and pulled on the lead horse harness to guide him through the darkness . I turned at the narrow trail and started to trot , pulling the horses with me . My eyes had adjusted enough to let me see the trail ahead . The single orc that appeared in front of me died as I did not even slow . I brought the sword around and through his neck . I kept the pace down to keep the horses fresh as long as possible . Many people do not know a man can actually run a horse to death . It was hours later that I slowed to a walk . The horses were covered in sweat and were breathing hard . The air around us was growing lighter as the sun began to rise . We had entered a huge clearing in the forest and as it grew lighter I saw the walls of a large town or small city . I continued to walk the tired horses towards the city walls and gradually the gates appeared . The group of guards at the gate challenged me and one of the elves dropped out of the wagon . The gate was opened quickly and the elf met the man that appeared . They whispered and then the gates were thrown open . Just inside the gate and to the right was a huge corral . Several men came to help the elves and Ellie and I were left to tend our horses . When we finally had them cooled down and fed Ellie pushed me towards the wagon , " Wash and get some sleep . " I began pulling out everything to make more bullets and Ellie quietly helped me . Little One and Charles disappeared and I got the impressions she was hunting . We had a few of the city guards watching us but none came near . Several elves I did not know left through the gates but most of the foresters were turned back . I laughed and took her hand . We stayed in Wood Haven for over a week while I made more ammunition for both rifles and my pistol . The town had gradually gone back to normal since the reports the elves brought back were all good . When we left , it was with two traders going the same way . Little One had a following when we left and seemed satisfied with herself . Charles also seemed satisfied and Ellie kept looking at him as he groomed himself . She finally put her arm through mine as we walked beside our lead horses , " I think the two of them were up to a little deviltry . " It was late afternoon when the large stag broke through the brush and froze as it stared at us . I had been carrying my bow in case I saw a rabbit and brought it up . I released just before the stag turned to flee and the large deer dropped suddenly . The two traders were upset about stopping and Ellie just waved them on , " We do not need to share what we kill . " I grinned but did not stop what I was doing . After I had clean and dressed the deer Ellie helped hang it in the back of the wagon . We started off again and I was not surprised to find the merchants waiting a little way down the trail . The thick forest reminded me of stories of wolves and fleeting glimpses from the corner of my eye did not help . We fell in behind the other two wagons and I tried to keep watch . The wolves seemed to follow us but kept their distance . There was a wide clearing we came to in the late afternoon and the traders swung their wagons around . After I placed our wagon in the gap all the horses were brought into the center . The traders whispered and looked worried as we made camp . I started a fire between the back of two wagons after walking out in the forest for wood . The wolves had kept their distance but continued to watch us . I made the cats stay in the wagon and just before it got dark the wolves moved to the very edge of the forest . I do not know why but it had just felt like that was what they had been waiting for . Several large wolves stood and padded out to sit before me . I waited and one turned its head to look back into the forest . It almost felt like he wanted me to go that way . I shook my head , " Not in the dark . " It turned and walked into the dark forest . I went back with Ellie and tried to relax . I knew the wolves were watching and I doubted they would attack . I set my mental alarm and leaned back against the wheel of the wagon . My eyes snapped open and I caressed Ellie to wake her before slipping out from under the light blanket . I checked the horses as it gradually began to get lighter . I moved them out and harnessed them while Ellie spoke to the traders . When I stared leading the horses towards the forest a wolf appeared to guide us . They picked the best way and we never had to worry about becoming stuck . It was several hours before the other wolves closed in which made the horses nervous . The wolves moved around until they were down wind but something else made the horses snort and jerk against their harness . The first ghoul that appeared made my stomach turn . Its flesh was rotting off and the stench was almost overpowering . I did not hesitate to shoot it through the head but Ellie quickly moved forward to whisper one of her spells . After I had shot it , it had dropped but lay twitching . When Ellie put her spell on it , it burst into flames . She watched as it flared and turned to dust and turned to me white faced , " This is not good . There will be more and not just men . Anything that is bitten will change . " I moved forward carefully and barely left the wagon before several dead ghoul animals staggered out of the brush . I shot a bobcat in the head and then two squirrels and a fox . They lay twitching and I moved back to the wagon and Ellie , " Animals . " I watched her slowly walk around the wagon and horses , going from tree to tree . I glanced at the wolves , " I will need you to stay with us as we hunt the ghouls . Just growl or make a sound and look towards any ghouls you see , hear or smell . " The leader nodded his head and growled before looking towards the dead animals I had shot . I blinked as I saw them crawling towards us . One round in each brought an instant flare and fire . The fire did not spread though , which was good . Ellie finally joined me and I looked at the wolves , " lead the way but stay with us . " The leader nodded and looked at the other wolves . They all laid down except a large grey bitch that moved up beside him . They walked forward and Ellie and I followed . It was not long before we saw more ghouls . The wolf growled and pointed through the trees and I followed his look to a small group of animals eating another animal . I checked around us as one of the ghouls lifted its bloody face . I brought the rifle up and began firing . I waited as their bodies burned and the bitch growled . I looked to the side where she was looking and spun to fire at the three Goblins stumbling towards us . Another look around and then we were being led deeper into the forest . We kept coming across small groups of animals , seeing babies was what made it hard for me . Ellie whispered that when we reached the main group every ghoul would come for us even those further away . The small clearing was where we found the main group . They were feeding on what looked like a dead horse . There were goblins and all kinds of other animals including a few wolves . There was even a couple of humans and elves . I started firing as Ellie kept watched around us with the wolves . I moved further into the clearing as I changed the magazine . More ghouls stumbled out of the forest and towards us . I killed the last ghoul in the clearing and turned to start on those closing on us from the forest . Some of the larger ghouls kept walking after they were shot and continued to burn . The pack leader and his bitch were snarling and growling at the ghouls but did not leave our side as I kept killing them . After a third change of magazine it was down to a waiting game for the ghouls that had been further away to reach us . Finally it was late afternoon before we stopped . No ghoul had come out for over an hour . I looked at the pack leader , " Are there any more ? " We walked back to the wagon and horses to find them where we left them . Little One and Charles were on the seat and looked at us calmly . I nodded to the wolves , " you should move away for awhile . " We made it to the trail and made camp . The following week seemed to go smoothly even if we were traveling alone . We met a couple of woodsmen on the far edge of the forest and I was surprised to see them planting new trees . The areas on each side of the trail turned into fields with cattle . The next day they turned into large fields of grain . There was a large caravan area where we could set up camp . Little One and Charles both disappeared before we were finished . Ellie linked her arm in mine , " Shopping ? " Kendal was a city of tall spiraling towers and bright colors . I bought several bolts of thick wool . Bright blue , dark and light green , pale yellow and dark blood red . We bought food for dinner and returned to our camp . Ellie frowned when she removed the ward , " Someone tried to enter my wards . " I looked at her and then looked around . The only ones I saw were the gate guards that sneered as they looked at us . I nodded and we put the bolts of cloth away before starting dinner . Little One and Charles returned looking smug and I grinned , " I think they found trouble and got away with it . " Ellie laughed and it was just after dinner that trouble came in the form of a city official and a guard captain . We had cleaned up and were sitting together talking about what we were going to need . The two men stopped close to us as if they were trying to intimidate us . The official sneered and looked at the guard captain who had his hand on his dagger . I smiled , " Let me put it another way . Why should I not kill you both now ? " They dropped to their knees to beg and we waited . I finally shook my head and put my pistol away , " fine your lives are our bond . Leave and do not come back . " I glanced at the captain when he stopped to yell at his guards as the official hurried into the city . I sighed and went to pull out the super long . I slipped the vest on and turned as a large group of guards started walking towards us with drawn swords . I glanced at Ellie and she shook her head , " We need to go see the council . " She was grim faced as she walked beside me . The streets emptied quickly as we walked through them . The large square where the city courts were was empty . We walked across and through the large double doors . Two men turned as we entered the hall and Ellie gestured and said something that made them stop moving . We walked past them and opened the huge double doors . The room was huge with a heavy table at the other end . The official from our camp turned and his face went white . A large fat man stood , " How dare you ! " I shook my head and shot him twice in the chest before turning to the men . They had stopped walking as they realized I was more dangerous then they thought . I gestured to the floor , " On your knees . " One pulled a dagger and I shook my head and shot him . The others went to their knees quickly as Ellie murmured a spell that made the room echo . I looked at the men remaining around the table , " You are leaving this city . I will walk you out and if you even breath wrong I will kill you . You will not return because if you do I will be waiting . " I gestured and Ellie unsealed the room as I started walking them out . People were standing in doorways and looking out windows as we walked the group through the streets and out the gate . I gestured to the road , " do not return . " That was not as hard as we expected . We walked back towards the big city court building . We sat on the steps to wait and talk . It was only an hour before several citizens came into the square hesitantly . I let Ellie talk to them and they were surprised when she said they needed to decide who would take control of the city . Within another hour the large square was full of people . We managed to slip away to our camp . It was dark out as Ellie set the wards and we lay together . I was thinking the ones that had been in charge might try something . I was up before dawn and made a small fire to heat water for coffee . The attack came from the field side of the caravan area . There were two dozen men rushing towards me with several shooting arrows . I rolled to the side but the wards stopped the arrows . I pulled my pistol and started shooting . A thick bolt of lightning flashed out to strike several men . I changed magazines and killed the last three men before looking at the archers who had thrown down their bows to run . Something seemed to snatch them off their feet and slam them to the ground . They screamed as the ground opened and they fell in before it closed . I changed magazines before going to check the other men . It was an hour before several armed people from the city came out the gate . I let Ellie talk to them as I finished making breakfast . I nodded and went to check the horses and the harness . Ellie was relaxing in the wagon singing as she cut and began sewing a new dress . I was mending a torn harness when the cart and several of the new guards came back . I paid them after making them tell me how much it had cost . They actually grinned and left happy as I started putting some of the things away . Ellie took over and pushed me towards the supplies I had needed to make more bullets . We spent the day together and every once in a while someone would come to the camp . Ellie was the one they talked to and they always left in a better mood . It was after dinner before I was finished and sat down beside her . I just looked at her and she shook her head , " Sorry . Burrowers are light sensitive leach worms that live underground and come up at night to feed . They can grow to almost nine feet in length and are always found in groups that can number in the thousands . Vibrations on the ground tell them where their prey is . " I smiled and let Little One go as she wiggled off my lap . I cleaned up and put everything away before climbing into the wagon . Ellie slipped in a minute later and put her new sewing supplies away . She laid beside me and caressed my chest , " They told me large groups of Orcs were gathering to the north and west . " We started early , I walked beside the lead horses as Ellie sat on the wagon and worked on her new dress . Little One and Charles seemed content to ride in back and sleep . The farms we passed were well kept and they waved at us . We stopped beside a wide fast moving stream and I decided to fish for dinner . Ellie thought I was crazy since it was cold but sat on the bank and watched . I hooked a huge fish and backed towards the bank as I fought it . She was jumping up and down clapping as I kept fighting the fish . I glanced at her and almost dropped the rod . An old man was standing behind her watching me curiously . I gestured and Ellie turned as I backed out more and finally lifted the fish and walked ashore . The old man 's eyes were shining as he looked at the two foot long fish . He glanced at me finally , " That looked fun . " I started showing him what to do and a moment later he took off his old worn boots and waded into the stream . Beginners luck was with him because within seconds a huge fish exploded out of the water as it took the fly . He yanked the pole back and started reeling as I tried to calmly remind him what to do . It was a quarter hour before he brought the fish ashore . I showed him how to clean it and then led him to the fire . I filleted the two fish and seasoned them before starting to grill them . Ellie was skeptical but made flat bread and pulled out a small wheel of cheese . Both Charles and Little One had devoured the parts of fish I had tossed to them . While we ate dinner we talked and I found out Chris ( the old man ) was returning to the area with the burrowers . He grinned at us , " I built houses along the way on stone pillars to stay off the ground and away from burrowers . Burrowers are good for the soil , I farm the valley and they kept the pests away from my crop . " Ellie shuddered but I pointed to the two fillets she had eaten . She actually grinned before sticking her tongue out . Chris laughed and we talked about the rumors of orcs . He snorted , " they be dumb , if they come around my farm they will just be more worm food . " Ellie nodded and then stood to stretch . She climbed into the wagon as I stood and said good night . Chris just rolled out a bed roll and laid back to watch the stars . Little One and Charles both crawled onto us when we laid down and started purring as we pet them and whispered to each other . I was up early but Chris already had the fire going . I heated water for porridge and coffee before checking the horses and harnessing them . I glanced at him when I was done , " What about horses ? " I smiled as Little One started purring and Ellie grinned as she bent to lift Charles . He had decided that if Little One was getting attention he should have it too . I let my super long hang as I carried the bow and started looking for targets to practice on . I thought these houses on pillars were only a few feet above ground . When we turned off the road in the late afternoon it was to see a house twenty feet above the ground . The stalls beside the house turned out to be small barn like sheds and not small stalls . It was more like the house was part of the barn . He was right about getting the horses to climb the ramps though . We had to blindfold them to get them to do it . The houses were black with slate grey wooden boards . There was not a stove , just a central stone fireplace . We carried bedding up the ramp with what we needed for dinner . Chris grinned as Ellie started making dinner , " Burrowers are mostly drawn to movement and sound so the wagon should be fine . " As it began to get dark I went out to see if any Burrowers would come up . Ellie and Chris came to stand with me and Chris pointed down close to one pillar , " see the ground moving ? I buried the Pillars deep and solid so they can not move them but they can sense us here . " Chris snorted and Ellie bent to lift Charles into her arms . I woke often during the night and each time I looked for the cats before walking out and looking around . A week later we walked down into a wide beautiful green valley with a river running through the middle . His house was in a large grove of trees beside the river . The house was twenty feet in the air with a wide barn connected to it . A women met us as we came near and Chris embraced her before turning to us , " My wife , Natalia . " They helped move our horses up into his barn and then our sleeping things . I sat on the wide porch with Little One in my lap as the sun set . Chris sat beside me and pointed towards a field , " dumb orcs are going to end up as Burrower food . " I watched in the dim light as the orcs suddenly yelled and jumped around before starting to scream . It went on for a few more minutes before it became quiet . I glanced towards Chris , " the orcs do not come up through the trees ? " I used the thermal scope and saw a few orcs running through the trees towards us . I sighed and began firing . One after another they dropped and something started jerking the bodies around . Chris moved towards the door , " Those dumb orcs have the Burrowers in a feeding frenzy . " I looked at him as he went into the house and went back to killing the few orcs that came into sight . The screaming continued in the distance and seemed to grow as if from a lot more orcs . Ellie knelt beside me , " Chris had his wife put out the lights . What do you see ? " She was silent as I killed a couple more orcs before they stopped coming . It was an hour before the screams stopped . I kept watch from the chair but no more orcs entered the trees . Chris sat beside me and sighed , " sleep and I will wake you in a few hours . " I smiled and glanced at him before going in . Ellie was sitting with Natalia talking quietly beside the embers from the fire . I stretched out and pet Little One before relaxing . I woke to a touch on my foot and looked at Chris , " More orcs . " I sighed and moved the cat off me before standing and walking back to the porch . There were more screams but they were further away . Chris sat , " Sounds like down by the narrows . " I sat beside him and leaned back before using my scope . I relaxed and we just listened to the mayhem down the river . It finally quieted and Chris sighed , " you better wait until the sun is well up before going down . " I nodded and leaned back to relax . As the sun began to rise I was able to see the carnage from the few orcs in the trees . I went in and woke Ellie and went to check the horses . The sun was well up when I finally started leading the horses down the ramp . None of the Burrowers had bothered the wagon and everything seemed calm . Chris gave us directions to a sheltered cave on the other side of the valley . He said it had a rock floor so we would be safe . When we walked out of the trees it was to a scene of slaughter . We went up river to a crossing and waded across . Ellie kept Little One and Charles on the wagon the whole day as she silently watched the valley . I smiled smugly , " you go fishing . Use a tree or rock cliff . Throw bait out and drag it . Have a strong hook in the bait and when they take it . . . " Ellie laughed and slapped my shoulder . It was almost lonely walking across the lush valley with no animals moving . I glanced at her , " Maybe you are right . Someone should run trap lines and start killing the burrowers . " Ellie grinned and took my hand as we walked . It was noon when we walked past the cave and stopped to look . It was in a low stone bluff and more of a wide crack in the stoneface with a trickle of water . Ellie did something to sweep the rocks on the floor to the side and made a stone circle for the fire . I checked inside deeper and found a large space to put the horses and we started unloading . I soaked some of the smoked meat we had in the water before taking a walk with Ellie . As it started to get dark I moved the horses in and Ellie made sure Charles and Little One were on our bedrolls . I had cut a long thick sapling and made a barbed hook to use with some cord . I threw rocks until I heard something and looked through my night scope to see burrowers . I put a small hunk of meat on the hook and threw it out before slowly dragging it back . I barely started pulling when a burrower grabbed it and the fight was on . Ellie was jumping up and down as I slowly backed into the cave and pulled the burrower in . It was fatter then I thought it would be and longer . It was easily eight inches thick and maybe ten feet long . Once it was on the stone floor of the cave and I had a clear look at it I grabbed the camp hatchet and moved to cut the wide head off . It almost looked like something from a movie with dozens of spines sticking out . I began cleaning and skinning it and Ellie reluctantly took the meat to broil it in our fire . I took the remains and tossed most of it after putting the hook through some . I did not get a chance to pull it back as another burrower grabbed it . I was surprised but yanked the sapling rod back and then started walking backwards . Chris was right , burrower did taste good and Ellie could only shake her head and grin after eating her fill . I caught ten before stopping and going to bed . I woke to the dawn light and Little One on my chest . I pet her before getting up and starting the fire . I cut up one of the burrowers to grill for breakfast and let Charles and Little One eat some raw . After the sun was well up I led the horses out and harnessed them to the wagon . Ellie helped and then we were walking along the old trail . It was several hours before we came to the gap through the hills . There were a lot of torn apart remains and a few wagons outside the gap where people had tried to camp . We looked through the wagons and ended up with a few more things . Ellie did something to carve a warning into a large boulder as well as directions to the cave . The floor of the gap was thick with several layers of stone . After we came out on the other side we headed towards a distant column of smoke . We walked into the stone walled town and I smiled when I saw all the Dwarves . The caravan yards were on the other side of the town beside a wide stream . I unharnessed the horses and turned them loose before Ellie took my hand and we walked back into the town . The dwarves seemed to go out of their way to avoid us . We bought a few supplies and went back to the wagon . I was inside putting things away and pulling out the clothes we needed to wash . The wagon creaked and I held still as there was a loud groan . I turned to climb out and there was a loud crack and the wagon lurched . I tumbled out and rolled before turning to look at the sagging wagon . Ellie turned from the horses and walked to me as I moved to the wagon . I knelt and looked under the back to see the axle snapped . The whole area around the springs on the left rear was rotten and the supports had cracks . I sighed , " great . " I sat back and looked at her as she grinned . The blacksmith growled as he came to look at the wagon before saying he could fix it . I let Ellie bargain with him as I began unloading the wagon . The blacksmith and several helpers returned as I was pulling out my fishing rod and putting it together . Ellie had organized everything from the wagon and made us a place to sleep . The blacksmith watched as I looked towards the stream and started walking . The fish were large and seemed more than eager to bite . I was enjoying myself and threw several back before keeping two and cleaning them . He glanced at the stream and then at me , " we had word passed about a man . He is a fierce warrior and surprisingly they say he is a good smith . He also taught some of our cousins to . . . fish ? " I held up the fishing pole , " by fishing for them . Use strong cord and meat as bait . Since you are dwarves you know about rock . Make a stone platform out of blocks or use poles to make a platform well above the ground . Throw rocks out until burrowers come near and then use the bait and cord . Pull the burrower up onto the platform and cut off the head . Use its guts as more bait for the next one . " I looked at him as he stared and suddenly started laughing and slapping his legs . I glanced at Ellie and she grinned and shook her head . It was a minute before the dwarf stopped laughing and grinned , " that would be the fun way to hunt them . " I grinned and shook my head before pulling her close . I was a little worried about Burrowers but Ellie tapped the huge piece of slat our bed was on and pointed out nothing had bothered the dwarves animals . I was up early while she slept in with the two cats for company . I thought I might catch a few fish and smoke them to see how it would turn out . I dressed and took a small pack besides the super long and my pistol . The dwarves had moved quickly and I had to trot to catch them in the gap . They had several heavily laden wagons and carried long poles . A few hours later we came out and the dwarves shook their heads at the remains before moving passed them . The next thing I knew they were all busy leveling an area . I set my pack aside and went to find a good sapling before I started helping . Almost as soon as a wagon was unloaded it headed back through the gap . Thick flat stones were fitted together with a type of mortar or cement and slowly the large area was covered . I still was not sure it would be safe as the sun headed for the horizon . A second set of wagons appeared as the dwarves started another layer on top of the first . A dozen stayed after the wagons left and I brought my pack to the center where several had stacked wood for a fire . As it started to get dark I realized they had not brought any meat for bait and sighed . I ran towards the wreckage of the closest wagon and dug through it for rags . When I was back on the stones I wrapped them and tied a heavy hook to it . I was using a strong cord and squatted close to the edge as the dwarves grumbled and glanced back , " if you start the fire I will catch the first one . " I had added a stone in the middle of the bundle and started tossing it out and dragging it back as a few of the dwarves came closer to watch . The first burrower was a surprise and grabbed the bundle before the sun had set completely . I yanked and the fight was on . It was not like fishing since the burrower could only pull and fight from the hole it was in . After it was dead I cleaned it and cut it into chunks to be cooked before using its head and guts as bait . The dwarves were jumping up and down each time they caught one and yelled and laughed . I moved to the fire and ate burrower and pulled out my pipe and watched the dwarves . Greg was laughing when he walked to me and squatted down , " this is fun . " By the time the sun was rising they had caught dozens and were talking about methods to smoke or cure the meat . We started walking back through the gap and the dwarves kept talking . It was past noon when we walked out of the gap and headed towards the town . When I walked into the camp we had made , it was to see Ellie with a dozen dwarven maidens sewing dresses . I grinned and went to collect my things and pet and caress Little One when she came to see me , the water was cold but refreshing . I knew the dwarves would be going to cut more stone to make the stone platform larger . I spent the day with Ellie and we settled into bed holding each other and looking up at the stars . I snapped awake to a horn and rolled to my feet . I looked towards the town to see the thick gates closing . I quickly dressed with Ellie and a few minutes later heard more horns and yells . I saw something coming around the town wall and knelt as I used the night sight on my super long . I almost cursed , " orcs . " I began shooting as more swarmed around the wall and started moving towards us . I kept changing magazines as Ellie cast a light spell into the sky above us and then lightning into the rushing orcs . I was down to the last magazine when the town gates crashed open and dwarves poured out with curved axes . I shifted and brought my sword across to take an orcs head before stabbing another . It was not long before the dwarves fought beside me as I slowly moved forward and killed orcs until my hands and arms were red with their blood . Finally the last few were running away and we stopped to catch our breath and check the wounded . Luckily the dwarves wore thick leather chest armor and bronze bracers so there were few serious wounds and Ellie helped with those . It was awhile before things calmed and they told us the orcs had come through the pass . I shook my head and told them about what had happened in the valley . We dressed as the blacksmith and dozens of others came to watch . They had not just fixed the old wagon , they had made a whole new one with two types of springs and wider wheels and a step to climb into the back . The wagon had tall sides with poles that made a frame for the top . I turned to thank the blacksmith and he grinned and bowed , " our gift to repay you . " Ellie went to him and kissed his cheek before the rest came wish us well . The inside was designed perfectly and our things seemed to fit into place with ease . The horses were as ready to leave as we were and started off at a strong walk . I held Little One as Ellie held Charles when we waded across the stream . Every few days I managed to kill a deer or antelope as we came out of the hills and down onto a lightly wooded plain . We moved through the plain easily following an old trail that gradually widened into a road . Several times we found large farmsteads that had been destroyed but the tracks always led away to the north . Ellie was silent each time we found the farmsteads . It was a week before we walked around a thick stand of woods and saw the small city , it had high walls and towers . The city was across a wide , deep river rushing through it . We went through the gate and the way led to the left and around towards the stream . Ruin and wreckage was scattered everywhere and the stench of death was almost over powering . We were almost to a body strewn bridge when three orcs emerged from a building . There was no hesitation , my rifle came up and I shot the first in the chest and then the second . The third turned to run and I put a bullet through the back of its head . Ellie went to look in the wagon as we reached the bridge and started across . I could see tall wooden gates on the other side of the bridge with what looked like hundreds of orc bodies . The horses resisted going closer but I kept pulling until they followed . I finally had to stop and pull bodies aside before we could move forward . I could see men above the gate on each side . When Ellie made a noise I turned to see a half dozen orcs trotting towards us . I knelt and started with the ones behind and worked my way up to the last one as it got close to the wagon . I put a single bullet through each orc 's head and stood when I was done . I went back to moving bodies and a second later the gate opened and a dozen men came out to help . When it was clear Ellie led the horses through the gate as I fell in behind . One of the men , a tall wide shouldered man walked with me , " I do not know how you made it through . " She nodded and we collected Little One and Charles before heading back to the gate blocking the bridge . From the wall beside the gate we could see into the city as orcs moved around . I finally gave Little One to Ellie and aimed the supper long before squeezing the trigger . There was the crack of the bullet as one of the orcs head exploded . I nodded and began slowly picking targets . More orcs appeared to see what the noise was but they did not seem to connect the sound with them dying or with us . Ellie snorted , " so gorged they can not think . " Ellie grinned and turned to climb down . She was back thirty minutes later and there was already a hundred orcs across the bridge looking towards us . She helped load magazines from the bullets in the wooden box . It took ten rounds before they began to understand that the sound and the dying orcs were caused by something we were doing . I bent to lift the box and the man began calling to people as we went back to our wagon . I was thinking of our trip through the forest and sighed . After putting the ammo away I started harnessing the horses while Ellie packed everything away . People began joining us until the man by the gate pushed through , " this is everyone . " I shook my head , the city must have had a few thousand people but there was maybe a few hundred here . I bent to pick up Little One and set her on the wagon seat with Charles before moving to lead the horses towards a gate in the outer wall . I glanced back a few minutes later to see Ellie lifting small children and putting them in the wagon . I stopped for breaks every hour to let people rest . When I stopped at midnight men and women moved together to lay down . I unharnessed the horses and let them rest as I brushed them before laying with Ellie to watch the night sky . The next day was more of the same except a few men ranged ahead to hunt and scout . We stopped after dark and built a few fires to cook on before putting them out . Noon of the next day we walked over a low ridge and saw the large city of Calef . There was a high solid looking cliff behind the city with a wide river flowing through it . The outer walls were at least fifty feet tall with many crenels and arrow slits . There were people working in the fields and they stopped to watch as we passed . At the gates Ellie had me stop while the small children were lifted out of the back . I smiled when we went through the gate to see a second curtain wall inside the first . We went through the second wall and Ellie started leading me through the streets . After stopping and putting the horses on leads Ellie took my hand and started climbing towards the cliff . When we reached the cliff she grinned and pointed to glyphs carved in a wide arch . I looked and she grinned , " an illusion . " She touched the cliff under the arch and suddenly a set of tall , wide doors replaced the granite of the cliff . She grinned and pushed on one side , it opened slowly and she led me in , " I had a mage build this when he was still here . Of course I made a large house for him where I was so we are even . " She pulled me after her to the left and through another doorway with steps that led up . Above was several floors with large bedrooms , each with a small fireplace and fire as well as a bathing room . We returned to the wagon and started moving everything but stopped to make dinner and eat . We were sitting together on a couch when there was a knock on the door . Several older men stood looking anxious when I opened the door and gestured them in . I led them back to the fireplace where Ellie was waiting and sat beside her , " you need something ? " After they left we climbed the stairs to a large chamber with a big bed . There were several narrow deep slits in the wall to let in the night air . Somehow Little One and Charles had found their way and were already stretched out across the bed . As I lay holding Ellie I was thinking and knew I could not make enough weapons to stop a whole army . I had dozens of ideas that I discarded as fast as they came . I was up early and dressed before I left and walked across the city after feeding the horses . The guards looked at me as I went through the inner curtain wall and looked at the wide gap between it and the outer wall . There were three outer gates and two inner . I climbed steps and looked out at the fields beyond before walking all the way from the river and around to where it met it again . I did the same with the inner curtain wall before walking the streets and then checking the three bridges over the river . I found the marketplace and went looking for what I needed to make more ammunition . I went back to pick up the bag of supplies I had managed to buy before heading towards the door . I had a few ideas to slow or stop the orcs but needed a few things . It was two weeks before the swarm of orcs appeared and I stood on the outer wall to watch them come . Every fifty paces was a pole with a barrel on top , they were set out a hundred paces from the wall . The ground was covered out to a few hundred paces with small caltrops and traps . I watched with the guard commander as the orcs spread out but flowed towards us . They slowed when they hit the caltops and then the arrows began to fall . I lifted my rifle and started shooting and killed those that were leading the others . It was a moment before they fell back but continued to spread out and more were still coming over the far rise . It was less then an hour before they started moving towards us again . I began killing them and once they were in range the arrows began again . They almost reached the barrels before pulling back and still more were flowing over the far rise . While we waited I reloaded the empty magazines and watched . The next attack had them almost reaching the walls before the guards I had stationed lit the fuses I had made . There was a flash that was almost like an explosion . Less then ten seconds later the barrels exploded and the lamp oil with liquid soap ignited as it spread onto the orcs . They screamed and fled in panic as those caught by the flames were burned alive . It was hours before they attacked again and I kept firing until they were almost to the wall when they finally pulled back . I looked at the guard commander as I started reloading magazines , " they will breach the wall next time . " The horses had been my idea to help the escaping guards flee through the other wall faster . Between the walls were more barrels on tall posts as well as more caltrops to slow the orcs . There were safe lanes the guards had learned to use . The commander turned to bark the order for oil to be spilled between the walls as the orcs started forming and milling around . It was not long before there was the roar from the orcs as they rushed towards the wall . There was still more flowing over the far rise as I began firing , they almost seemed to hesitate before everything sped up . They reached the wall and I heard Ellie begin to chant as I kept firing . There was a huge boom and lightning exploded along the front of the wall and reached out into the army of orcs . I spun and grabbed the large shoulder bag before pushing Ellie in front of me . The commander waited as more orcs pressed in and started climbing the wall . I ran down the stairs behind Ellie and watched her almost flow up and onto a horse before leaping into the saddle of my own . I followed as she rode for the inner wall tunnel and gate . Inside we turned and swung down before running up the stairs . I could hear the horns signaling the soldiers to retreat before we reached the top of the wall . I was hoping they had managed to finish evacuating everyone across the bridge as I stopped between crenels . I dropped the large shoulder bag and started reloading my magazines with Ellie helping . It was not long before I saw orcs coming over the other wall and began shooting . I went back and forth to cover the soldiers moving back through the gates . Others began firing arrows but slowly more orcs were spilling over the other wall . I grinned at Ellie , " time for our surprise . " Orcs covered the other wall and seemed to spill out between the walls . This was more carefully planned and Ellie murmured and made a throwing gesture . The wall exploded in flames and raced away in each direction as orcs screamed and were consumed . The fire did not spill down between the walls so we were able to kill the milling orcs that had been trapped . It was awhile before the fire on the wall died and the orcs began climbing over again . We had killed thousands and they were still coming over the far rise as if there were an endless number . We killed them until they reached the inner wall and then fire arrows were shot into the ground to ignite the oil that had been spilled . Fire spread quickly until the entire area between the walls was in flames . I had been worried the barrel on the tall poles would catch on fire but the retardant on the poles kept the poles from burning . We used arrows to kill the orcs on the outer wall while they waited for the fire to die . When it did the orcs poured down between the walls and rushed the inner wall . It was awhile before they broke through and the commander gave the order to fire the barrels . Wires ran from the inner walls to the barrels with a fuze and the fuze was lit . Each barrel exploded , sending flames and oil out and onto the orcs . It was not long before the area between the walls was completely in flames again . Each of the houses on this side of the river had bricked up . They all had planks leading from roof to roof . Two of the three bridges had been collapsed so there was only one way across and it now and it had a thick wall and gate blocking the other side . After Ellie was gone I looked out at the rise and shook my head . I nodded but knew even that was not going to stop the orcs . I was not sure how Ellie had gotten so much of the three liquids I needed for my ammo but it was not going to be enough . I fired into the orcs crowded onto the other wall until the flames between the walls started to die . I reloaded again and waited until the orcs roared and rushed off the other wall before firing again . They were starting to climb this wall when the commander ordered the catapults fired and barrels of whisky started crashing down into the orcs . Soon the area was in flames again and the orcs were fighting to pull back . The commander sighed , " the horses are ready for when they start climbing the wall . " I nodded as I continued to empty magazines . I stopped and began to reload and started firing again as the fires died . The orcs flowed over the wall and down before rushing us . I kept firing and then looked up at a huge roar . A dragon was high above the city and I watched as he banked and dove towards the area between the walls . He raced above the level of the walls as a huge jet of flame consumed the orcs below him . He rose and twisted before starting to fly back and breathing flame on the outer wall and then came back beyond them . The men on the wall stared as the orcs fled in panic and I headed for the stairs . The men guarding the gate hesitated before opening them and I raced out and ran towards the outer wall gates . They were open and burning as I ran through to see the dragon finally turning and flying towards the wall . I walked out and over the orc bodies that littered the ground . He dropped to the ground in front of me and I grinned , " well met dragon , I missed you . " He looked around and seemed to smile , " a few days . I am actually going farther to the west and into the Peak mountains . My mate is finally coming into season . " He looked around before reaching down to rip an orc apart and swallowing , " not bad . The plains are always tasty . But the mountains and forest on this side seemed sparse . The ground worms I found were very tasty too . " He chuckled , " it seems to have worked . I had a runner come to the cave to warn me about a stubborn prince that refused to go away . I paid him a visit as the female baron suggested and spoke to him at length while eating his horse . He was most polite and apologized for disturbing me . " I laughed with Ellie as we reached the gate . The dragon just hoped and grabbed the wall as he climbed over and met us on the other side . The guards that had come out stood aside and stared as we went by and I cleared my throat , " I should warn you I made new weapons for some dwarfs beyond and to the south of the female Baron . " We went through the other gate while he went over and the commander stood aside with wide eyes as we walked down the street talking . Once across the bridge and through the other gate the dragon snorted as Little One and Charles both appeared in the street ahead . They almost seemed to ignore him as they stood and turned to walk back towards the cliff . We climbed to the cliff to the door into our home and I was right the dragon fit . I was almost sorry to see him leave a couple of days later . The orcs had not returned and the city was busy burying all the bodies . Ellie slipped onto my lap that night as I stared into the fire remembering my old life . She caressed my face , " time to change our history . "
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Born in Winfield , Alabama . I 've lived in 29 different places around the South , but mostly grew up in Amarillo , Texas , and Wolf Creek , Alabama . Mostly , I 'm a crazy - fun kind of guy - prison makes you jaded , but I try my best to not let it get to me ; sometimes it does . " Don 't take life so seriously . Nobody makes it out alive . " One word description , I 'm an " Adventurer " - I love anything outdoors . I lift weights , run , play basketball , play volleyball , play chess , practice karate , read ( A late blooming comic book freak , other books ) , write , draw ( aspiring graphic novelist ( have studied the genre for eight - years ) , etc . Other than all of that , I am a professional " cartoon card humor illustrator " , that 's how I make a living ( underpaid living , but a living nonetheless ) . You can see some of my cards here that are for sale . If this is your first time writing me and you would prefer to send an e - mail it will be forwarded to me . Be sure to include your address and I 'll write you back . Merc @ askaconvict . com One of Mercs hand made original art cards . He will make you one for a $ 4 . 00 - $ 10 . 00 donation . These are all hand done and perfect . I know you have said that you were accused of killing that man , and I feel terrible asking this , but do you have any idea on what made you do it ? I had a family member who had , in the past , killed someone , I never got the guts to ask why he did it , mainly because he did not know the man , I feel like you said you didn 't know this man . So , if I may ask , what do you think made you do it ? No , I 've never been gay . Even in prison I still have maintained my desire for women . I would like to have a female Japanese pen pal . Hi , I would like to know what made you join Ask A Convict . I can imagen that you get some strange and insulting questions , so why did you do it ? . I think it 's cool that you do it . Wish you the best for the furture . A - My adopted brother Jon contacted me and gave me a good pitch for his new website , and maybe it would give me a voice to help other people . I was attracted to wanting to help people . Yes , sometimes I get some offensive questions or comments , and sometimes I get angry and frustrated with them . But I 'm only human . Overall , I try to focus on helping people . I am a 39 year old single female who writes to a Pen Pal who is LWOP . I took a special interest in this inmate after reading a news article from 10 years ago . . Out of curiosity I decided to write him . I have been writing a LWOP prisoner for almost a year now . He seems to be hinting that he wants to be in a relationship . I don 't understand this . How can you be in a relationship with someone who never has a chance at getting out of prison ? Sometimes I don 't know if this is him just trying to hustle me up for money or not . I have occasionally sent him $ 20 . 00 every other month or so . He has never really come right out and asked me for money but he defiantly hints that he is having a hard time . . I have told him that I did not want to be hustled and he has told me that he isn 't and that he would still write even if I never sent a dime . I do not make much money at all and he knows this . . What is the money situation like in prison ? He says he has a small job . I want to help but I also don 't want to be used . Thank you ! well , I think is normal , if someone doesn 't like to write in fact . My mom hated the right in 18 years since I was first incarcerated . I probably receive no more than 10 to 15 letters . Sure I receive cards with little notes in them here and there a mom just hated to write for a while . When I would write letters in wait to hear back from mom . I would get angry when I didn 't receive answers to those letters , but I did hear back from her on those particular letters . I thought it was damn right rated , and I resented her for a while . As time went by , and I thought about it and kept creeping back into my mind I finally realized that I was being selfish for expecting her to write and not being sympathetic or sensitive to her situation . Even though I can call anytime I wanted , but hated to run up anyone 's phone bills . I was being insensitive for expecting mom to answer every letter . You see my mom was a very busy woman , very hard worker and a restaurant and at other jobs show is got up early in the morning . Around four at 432 cook my Pop breakfast . Then she would wash the dishes throw in a load of clothes in the washer etc . and then take off for work . She worked all day until 17 to 1800 hrs . Sometimes later , once she got home she was start cleaning then cook dinner etc . . When I was growing up my Pop was very lazy fat bastard and I very much resented him for it because my mom works so hard . And she and I did practically all of the chores on the ranch . But anyway , after my incarceration , pop , stepped it up and started helping mom more . Nevertheless , since mom was like an Energizer bunny , I finally came to the realization that she was just too tired to write to me at the end of the day . I regret not figuring that out much sooner . Mom never expressed to me that she was just too tired at the end of the day to write to me . She would just claim that she hated the right . When I didn 't realize all of that , sooner than was so resentful . I got to a point where I wouldn 't write to her much at all . I would just call or once every montQ : i still cant believe that in the usa they have death row . how do you feel knowin that in the uk there is no death row ? Besides being free on the outside . What do you miss doing ? N how do you keep your mind busy each day ? thanks lottie Very Pissed about it ! Back in the day America forced England to abolish the death penalty which ya 'll did . In 1976 or 1977 America reinstated the death penalty . Since then , America is about to reach its 1000th execution . How fucked up is that ? How fucked up as America , ? ( rhetorical ) and the American government is hypocritical . Why is it that after being convicted of murder why not admit ? Do u still feel there is some chance of gettn out and that why you still plead your innocense ? Don 't you think that by admitting why you do maybe your soul can repent ? You can be saved if you admit what you did and show remorse A : Miss , from the way you ask questions I can tell that you 've never experienced a corrupt court system , especially in the way that I have . Our court system is very flawed . Even as flawed as it is , we still have what is called an " appeals process . " When your case is going through that appeals process , you DO NOT admit to anything , whether you are guilty or not . I 'll tell you what , though . If you help get me from death row ( Not out of prison , but off of death row - A life without parole sentence - ) I 'll confess all of my sins to you . You would probably be disappointed , because I am not the monster that most of society tries to make me out to be . Let me ask you a question : If it is so wrong to kill ( especially according to the bible - " thou shalt not kill " ) , then why does most of society allow the U . S . Government ( A supposedly civilized nation " to have a death penalty and murder us out of revenge - A revenge killing ? Most of society claims to be Christian or religious . For those that vote for the death penalty , wouldn 't that make you all a bunch of hypocrites ? Maybe it is y ' all who needs to confess your sins or admit your guilt . To meet another through the prison penpal systems . When looking for friends as well that special someone . What do you suggest are the cons and well do 's and donts ? A : You are in total control . It all depends on you and what you are looking for . If you get a pen - pal try to find out what all you have in common . If they are not compatible , or cross a line too quickly or whatever , you can either quit writing to them or give them a warning as to what lines not to cross . If you 're really worried , you can start off by using a pseudonym . As you get to know them and feel more comfortable , then you can reveal your real name . If they were a good friend , then they would completely understand that you was just trying to protect yourself and they shouldn 't be offended . If they 're offended and get vulgar or whatever , you can easily find another pen - pal . Even though there 's a high percentage of us that can 't get a paying job and are dependent on the kind - hearted family or friends out there for gifts of money , stamps , ect . , if They keep asking you for money or demands more money from you , that 's a bad pen - pal . You should get rid of them . Sure , we prisoners have needs , just like anybody , but I would never demand that someone send me money . Being an artist , when someone sends me a monetary gift ect . , I always make them a greeting card or send other drawings as a token of my appreciation . For those that help me , I give them a lot of my life . I put a lot of thought and time in the gift of drawing and writing that I send in return . We cannot match the gifts , but it 's only fair to try . Like I said , it really depends on the situation and what you 're looking for . Use common sense . If something makes you uncomfortable , then don 't do it . You can easily find another pen - pal . A : Negative , I have not . I 'm on death row we are locked down for 23 - hours a day , except on recroom day once a week ( Which is next to the captain 's office and constantly monitored ) . However if you are on single - walk , you don 't get to go to the recroom , or participate in group activities . In over 16 years back here on death row , U have never seen or heard about someone getting raped back here A : Much obliged for the compliment , but I don 't do Brokeback mountain ! I have never had sex with a man in or out of prison , nor would I ever want to . I am very much in love with women . I have always loved women , and I am an absolute freak about the little hot - and - sexy Japanese women ! A : Much obliged for the offer . Unless you 're a woman named curt , I don 't see us hooking up . Besides , I couldn 't date a woman with a dude 's name . Again , Thanks for the offer , though . Who am I accused of killing ? That is public Knowledge , so I have no problem answering That . His name is Bill Lynn . He was a full time Auto parts owner and a part time preacher . In his community he was respected and an admirable man . By many people he was loved . Unfortunately I did not know that man . It is impossible to answer that question . First off I never have said I killed anyone . I have been CHARGED with killing someone . My codefendant plead guilty to this crime . Because of ongoing legal issues I can 't talk about the case . I never admitted to killing anyone . If you look at the other answers you will see that . Please read before asking the same questions over and over . ) A - On death row , we don 't have any real programs . We are the bottom of the totem pole . However , once in a blue moon , a death row prisoner gets to have a Law Class . ( if he is so good at the Law , then why is he still on death row ? Curious . . ) Wow a sword ? Did you take martial arts and use that as an advantage on the outside world ? Wow who carried a sword a pirate ? . . . I may sound judgmental but wow ! Did u stab a man , women or child ? Did the sword go thru their whole entire body since its so long ? I would like to know what u were accused of ? Yeah I know murder or robery yadda yadda but what was the exact accusation ? Stabbing someone to death , masterminding , chocking someione ? What was the scenerio and story ? I was accused of killing a good well - known man named Bill Lynn . He was an auto parts store owner and a part - time preacher . Unfortunately I did not know him personally . I didn 't learn about him until after I was incarcerated . What happened to him and his family was a great tragedy . He was killed with a samuri sord . Do you ever hear other inmates cry themselves to sleep ? Or after their children and familes come and visit do any of them cry when they get back in their cells ? Is prison really cold at night like they say ? Do you only get a thin sheet ? And can u go to sleep at whatever time you want or is there lights out ? If so what time ? And how do they wake you up ? By banging on your cell or a loud morning alarm ? A : Not when you can actually get some from the laundry . They tell us we can put in an order to the laundry for one new sheet per year , but we have to turn in an old one . ( HELL ! For two years or more now , I 've been trying to replace an old sheet , and I still haven 't gotten one . ) For those people in prison who has family that left them , shunned them away and disowned them what happens to them when they are released ? Where do they live at ? How do they eat ? When they have no family to turn to ? Do you think this causes them to fall back into the life of crime in order to survive again since they have no choice ? Q : For those people in prison who has family that left them , shunned them away and disowned them , what happens to them when they are released ? Where do they live at ? How do they eat ? When they have no family to return to ? Very few E . O . S . [ End of sentence ( no parole or probation ) ] Prisoners are given a suit , $ 10 . 00 , and a bus ticket to wherever they want to go . They are not obligated like the others . I presume that they get some type of counseling before being released like that . A : There 's no such thing as " No choice . " You always have a choice . You can choose to do better or you can choose to do worse . When you choose to do better , there is ALWAYS , someone out there willing to help you . . Even when you start making mistakes , there is always someone out there willing to help you ; but , you have to help them help you . You have to be open to ask for help - A peer group , a preacher , pastor , priest , nun , etc . Someone will know someone who can help you . All you have to do is ask . For the weak , yes , that can cause them to fall back into their old life of crime , for the strong no . The frontal lobe of the brain does not fully develop until your mid - 20 's . Unless you re 25 - years - old , and not mentally impaired , then there 's no excuse as to why you can 't stay out of trouble . ( crime / prison ) . Rather , as long as you are 25 - years - old or older , and not mentally impaired , then there 's no reason as to why you can 't keep yourself from out of trouble , because you 're old enough to learn from your mistakes . Some guys would because they were so attached , in love ? Dependent , and being used to counting on their wife when he got out of jail . The other time , and before he went back in again . Did you warn him that if he went to prison again that you wouldn 't be there for him again . If you gave him a warning , but I wouldn 't consider you a bad wife because he knew ahead of time what to expect . Me , personally , if at that time , I was attached , in love with my wife , and a new state counting on her , at first , even though I went back to prison . I would be upset and disappointed , but after contemplation , I would understand and adapt , improvise and overcome , if my wife didn 't want to be there for me . In the end if she didn 't want to be there for me , I have no choice but to adapt and improvise and overcome . All these things considered , It really just depends on the situation , what if his second time in prison was only for a year to or just a few months . You think that warrants abandonment ? There are many factors that only you know , and should consider because if it 's your own personal situation in the very and you have to do what feels right to you . We all have certain needs , if we don 't get those needs met in one place than we must take them elsewhere . You just have to do what 's right for you . Your gut instinct will tell you . That 's what it is there for . Who are you accused of killing ? And if u didn 't do it who was the person that was murdered ? Who 's murder were you involved in ? I was accused of killing a good well - known man named Bill Lynn . He was an auto parts store owner and a part - time preacher . Unfortunately I did not know him personally . I didn 't learn about him until after I was incarcerated . What happened to him and his family was a great tragedy I live on block six with 27 the other death row prisoners . Each man lives in a one - man cell . There 's 14 cell downstairs and 14 cells upstairs . Each cell is about 5 x 8 . 3 walls are concrete and the fourth wall with an electronic sliding door is made out of open faced bars . In other words , it doesn 't have a security screen mounted on the bars . Given that , I still live with 27 other roommates . You can all hear all of the manly noises unfortunately ; the noise factor is horrible . The only way you can block out the noise is to put on your headphones for radio and / or TV , but sometimes even that can 't completely block out the noise . At times I have to make improvised earplugs and put the headphones over that . This place is like Chinese torture . You have to be a strong - willed man not come out of this as crazy as a loon . Generally when prison bullshit builds up . I take my aggression out on playing basketball and volleyball running , lifting weights , practicing karate or meditating . Sometimes it 's actually quiet for a few minutes . As for my daily life , when I am not playing basketball , volleyball , running , lifting weights , practicing karate or meditating , I either write and correspond with friends and family or work for ask a convict . com ( via writing ) , make cards ( I 'm a cartoon card humor illustrator ) , draw pictures ( like photo - realism ) for people , Write from my graphic novel ( a work in progress ) , read and study certain books , read newspapers and magazines , hand wash clothing , ( because the Institute don 't wash cloths enough and they do a piss poor job and they steal certain items ) , clean wolverines den , ( My cell ) , watch a little TV , call someone on the phone every once in awhile , converse with a neighbor and other little tidbits of a very busy life . Life is too short , just to lay there and not do anything . My freedom and freedom to work and fully take care of my responsibilities . The freedom to love , touch , smell , romance , and take care of a woman ; The freedom of choice and freedom of a venture ; The freedom of travel , the freedom to go to a restaurant and choose a different food of interest in a country full of too many rules and laws . I took for granted , what little freedoms I did have . And I took for granted , the only life I have . I am not sure there 's exactly 1 thing I would say that would prevent people from taking something for granted . We all take something for granted because we get so caught up with certain things around us . A lot of the time we get tunnel vision and generally focus on one or two things at a time when your very focused on one thing you don 't think about the consequences . Not generally anyway , the bottom line . Life is way too short . Don 't waste it on unnecessary things . Hello I am married to a great man that just cant handle stress . I knew when I met hm that hes been to prison 4 times arrested numerous times . Well its been 8 years since he was in prison we got married had a child . He was told he couldnt have kids I gave him a son , we had a nice house , he was driving a brand new truck and had a VERY good job . Like was perfect ! Then he just started going downhill and decided prison was the place for him ? I mean it all happened so fast ? We got him a good lawyer and hes not doing hard time like everyone thought he should . He had multiple felonies and all but most of everything was dropped hell be home in a year . My question to you is prison " safer " than real life . I mean I know in prison you have no bills , no responsibility , no real job . Maybe I dont know what im trying to ask you ! Im just scared that when he gets out does good for a few years things get hard he goes right back in ? Is their a way as his wife that I can prevent it ? A - Didn 't he make each just fine out there with you for eight years , and he started going downhill meaning and he started going downhill . That means it happened over a period of time . Not just suddenly , you left out the evidence of what he was doing that made him start going downhill . In his actions could be a result of multiple factors . A perfect life or you may not be a perfect life for your mate is he an adventure and your boring or vice versa . Are you a habitual nag or did the two of you argue , if so what about and may not be your fault at all and may not be his fault at all . Some men are chemically wired to do something crazy , compulsive . Some men have the TG thrill seekers , J . and are compelled to do abnormal things you didn 't give me all of the details . So I can 't give you a thorough or complete answer . Sorry . Maybe not in the context that your thinking and what we can have stress in prison like if you run up a bill with a " storeman " , ( We have responsibilities for our actions ) , keeping our area squared away , etc . . And depending on your location . You can have a real job in prison , Tag plant , textile plant , etc . . I 'm a professional cartoon humor illustrator . It doesn 't panythe high scale , like the free world , but that 's how I can support myself , and I work for ask a convict . com . Lady , work is a job , no matter which scale or point of view you take . Q - He gets out , does good for a few years . Things get hard , does he go back in ? A - Who Knows ? We can 't truly predict the future . What a man does today doesn 't mean that is what he 'll be doing in a year from now or 10 years now . YES , BE supportive of him , love him , try to keep open communication , be sympathetic , nonjudgmental be understanding , be forgiving , etc . Open communication is the key to any relationship . Some men are insecure and bottle of all of their problems . If your husband is that way , be patient . Keep convincing him that you 're not judging him . No - In the end no matter what you do , you just can 't prevent a man from doing something crazy that puts him in prison . You just have to do all of the above and hope he doesn 't wind up back in prison . Usually there are signs . When your husband gets out of jail if he starts going downhill again , look for the signs . Pull him aside and explaine his responsibility to his son and to you . Explain about respect to you and your son and that if he truly loved you he wouldn 't continue to do crazy things . Do not speak down to him as if he was a child , that will provoke him to be hardheaded and push you away emotionally . Speak to him as an equal and in an intellectual manner . Those are the best results . My question is : Is there any attention / counselling etc offered to inmates on death row particularly after an execution ? Are they in anyway ' prepared ' for what lays before them ? I 'm curious to know how inmates on death row deal with executions where they know and are friends with the inmate facing execution . Thankyou for the opportunity provided by a site such as this . A : Yes and No . Yes , there is a small bit of attention / counseling offered , but only if you want it . Personally , I 've never had to or wanted to see a counselor ; that 's what friends and family are for . A : On those three separate occasions , when my buddy , Sarge , went around that corner to the death cell to await execution , I was quite a bit stressed out and worried for him . Each time , he gave me all of his things ( to hold for him in case he came back , or to keep if he didn 't make it back ) . I wrote him letters , expressing how much our friendship meant to me , and tried to give him encouraging words of the ways of the warrior . I gave him a huge and told him that I loved him like a brother . With tears in his eyes , it broke my heart . I prayed for him to return . I shed tears for him . When you 've known someone for 16 years and they are that close , it 's very tough to lose them or even think about losing them . In a sense , it 's like we 're on the battlefield together - through the good days and bad days ; either way , we 're ankle - deep in shit ! Unless you 've been there , you just wouldn 't understand . My question to you is if you were in my shoes how would you handle this situation ? For as long as I can remember my father has been in jail and for a long time i had no contact with him . I guess I felt that since he wasn 't here for me why be there for him but now once I got older I started writing him . I just recently found out that I was the only one writing him in the whole family but I haven 't written him latley . A : You feel that , since your father was not there for you why should you be there for him ? First of all , " two wrongs don 't make a right . " Just because one person acts a certain way , doesn 't mean you have to , too . What kind of relationship do you want to have with your father ? Close ? Friendly ? Not at all ? Either way , why not just give him a chance ? Correspond with him for a bit and see where that leads . " A man never knows unless he tests himself . " ( in your case , a woman . ) Ask him those burning questions you have . Ask him why he got into trouble and couldn 't be there for you . ( other then the obvious reason as to what he 's locked up for . ) Ask him about your heritage . There are so many questions you could be asking him , so don 't be afraid to ask . If possible , it would be best to visit him and ask him those questions face to face . You see , when I was five - years old , My father was murdered . He had been an abusive alcoholic . Nevertheless , I have a thousand - and - one burning questions that I wish that I could ask him . Unlike you , I 'll never have that opportunity . Life is WAY to short . You really should ask your father all the questions you need answers to . Be prepared - there will be a few questions that he just won 't have answers for . Good luck with your father . How does it feel being sentenced to death ? As you heard those words how did it make you feel ? And how do you expect to meet anyone if you are sentenced to death ? Since you already have been convicted may I ask who did you kill and why ? What keeps you motivated in prison knowing that 's all you have ? Have your friends abandon you ? How does your family feel ? Do you have any kids ? Does anyone come and visit you ? What is your last meal going to be ? Does the person you killed haunt your mind at night ? A - It feels like SHIT . I can 't go where I want to do new things I really want to help my family like I want to eat what I want to etc . . Knowing you 're going to die around a specific date stocks big green donkey decks being sentenced to death in waiting on death row to be put to death is like Chinese torture . Not to belittle the victims who died from any attack out there from someone else . But if I was in the free world , and I was to die , but only I had two choices die by surprise in the fast brutal death or spend years on death row under siege by idiots waiting for that day to die . As long as I was in the free world and actually had a chance to defend myself . I 'd rather be surprised in diet fast brutal death . This type of torture for years is far worse than any death of a crime . . . . A - That 's incriminating question . Just because I 've been convicted of a crime , doesn 't mean I actually committed due to the ongoing appeals process . I 'm not at liberty to give you answers to certain questions . I was accused of killing a good well - known man named Bill Lynn . You as an auto parts store owner and a part - time preacher . Unfortunately I did not know him personally , I 'd didn 't learn about him until after I was incarcerated . What happened to him and his family was a great tragedy . A _ Affirimitive . for a couple of times a year . Generally it 's my mom , ma ma , grandma price , and my aunt Mildred and once in a blue moon , My uncle Mark and aunt Betty that situation is because of this piece is SHIT Warden Colliver . He has intentionally fucked up our whole visitation system to discourage people from coming to visit us . He hates death row . If not for that piece of SHIT , we would get more visits the old Worden Charles Jones . When he was here rented house and prisoners didn 't have near as many problems , call her talking idiot . Under the old rule , I would definitely receive more visits from family and friends . Even though most of them lived way up in North Alabama . Unfortunately , this Pice of SHIT Worden Colliver won 't let us have what we really want for our last meal . The scuttlebutt is that they 'll fix you , what ever down there in their prison gallery . I mean , your choice of the prison food . if I can , I think I 'll get them to get a bunch of straight tuna , which only diabetics usually get , mix it with mayonnaise , which they never give us back here on death row . I 'll get crackers and is SHIT load of french fries half with ketchup and the other half with mayonnaise . I 'll probably have southern sweet tea made with real sugar , Unlike how they make it with artificial sweetener like they usually do for death row . Is it true that they give male prisoners pills to control their sex drive ? If so do all male prisoners get them and are they madnatory ? What else do you guys do to control your urge ? Since you have no privacy even at night since you share cells how do you deal with no sex A : The only way to stop an urge is to take care of it . Personally , I masturbate in private . Some masturbate openly . ( they are called , " Gunslingers , " but they get disciplinary for that ) Some go and rent them a " She - Man , " but that can only happen down the hall in population . However , one fool cut off his own testicular to try and stop thinking about women - to stop his urges - but the body doesn 't work that way . Whether or not a man has testicles , he will still get an erection . ( that boy was religious freak - totally screwed up in the head . He dropped his appeals soon after he cut his testicles off , and they executed him . I saw his mother and felt bad for her . ) A : I 'm on death row . We don 't share cells . We have a little bit of privacy , but not much . Therefore , I masturbate in private . Answer , absolutely I 'm always been a hard worker , even in prison . From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep . I 'm always working on something writing , making humor cards drying physical training for my health karate for self - defense meditation for peace in line reading , studying learning to better educate myself , cleaning , washing my clothes , making cloths when needed . Etc . . Life is too short to be wasted . For the things I want and need to do there isn 't enough time each day . If I was released right now , I would have a job before the day was over . I may not like that job , but I would have one until I found a better one . I love the work . You do , your freedom . You must not take your freedom for granted . You also have the choice to find a better job . Sometimes no matter how hard we work , we just can 't get a break . That is the way of life , but you have to be persistent . If one method isn 't working for you try another . You can always research and find a better way . Yes , if I was released today . I would live my life without crime being a part of it . I was 19 years old when I was incarcerated . Now I 'm 36 years old . For almost 17 years have been incarcerated in 19 years I 've experienced more than most people because of my adventurous lifestyle . But there is so much more that one experience . It 's a proven fact that your mind isn 't fully developed until your mid - 20s . Add that with your environment , upbringing , mentality at the time , and experiences , and you 're prone to be childish and do immature things or more susceptible to make bigger mistakes . Now I am much more mature and educated . So I would never revert back to the way I was before . As for monotony , that is kind of a yes and no answer . On one level , you 're still behind bars ( locked in a cage for 23 hours a day except on Rec room days one day per week ) and you have to contend with some of the same people everyday . With certain ones that you hate and can 't stand , that becomes harder and harder to cope with . In one aspect , it 's like Chinese torture . Even in such a confined space , like I said earlier , I stay super - busy . I can meditate ( when it 's actually quiet for a few minutes ) , do dynamic stretching , go through physical training , karate practice , play Basketball ( as long as you 're not on single - walk ) , play Volleyball , run laps , converse with friends , read , study , correspond with friends and family , work on my graphic novel ( write and draw ) , work on making cards ( I 'm a professional cartoon card ; humor illustrator - to help support myself ) , write for Askaconvict . com ; write in my journal , write in my record 's journal . Just doodle , tinker with small projects ( make a pair of shorts , a hat etc . ) , clean , do clothing / shoe repair , and on rec room days , I can play cards , dominoes , and chess or checkers ; and also I watch a little T . V . Dear Lisa . When I found out they were looking for me . I would 've ran like hell , way before they actually found me . The system is very corrupt ! Mr . Price , I find your profile / crime very interesting in that I see myself as being of the same personality / character type as you . I 'm Native American ( Sioux ) , former Marine , martial arts aficionado , and ex - armed bank robber . It 's very easy to look back and see that I was only a trigger - pull away from being where you are now . I pulled off many armed robberies without firing a shot and without being caught . When I finally was apprehended , I still managed not to shoot anyone even though I had a small arsenal at my disposal - and that leads to my question : Why did you feel it necessary to kill ( and / or hurt ) the persons you were robbing ? I can identify with the martial arts abuse aspect in that you always want to see if your training is everything you think it should be ( and if it really works ) . However , when I got that urge , I would just go to a bar and pick a fight to test out any new techniques that I 'd been working on ( won most - lost a couple ) . Your trial evidence indicates you used a sword on an old man ( 30 stabs wounds ? ) and that you beat up a woman . In comparison , for all of my exploits , I never had to touch anyone , they always gave up the cash and out the door I went . The banks were federally insured and so no one lost personally . Even with other businesses , it was always the same - the bottom line was that you never had to hurt anyone . So again I ask , did the martial arts training fuel the compulsion to try out your training on someone ? P . S . - Oh , by the way , I did 11 years in FCI Milan , Michigan . Crime does not pay , even with all the cash I stole , it still did not add up to what I could have made working a legitimate job for the same 10 years ( $ 45 , 000 avg . x 10 years = $ 450 , 000 ) . I 'm now a computer programmer and I have a made a life for myself independent of crime . I also gave up the martial arts as I came to realize that it fed my aggressive personality . As a final note , it 's a small world . When I was a kid , we would go to Fayette , AL ( right down the road from Winfield ) every year to visit my grandparents . Golden - Eagle Table Syrup is sitting on my kitchen table right now . First of all just because you read my profile on " my space " , here , and a few new newspaper articles about my so - called case don 't presume to think that you know me . I am a very complex individual . If you served 11 years in an SCI prison in Milan Michigan , and if you read newspapers regularly , then you would know that most news papers are full of SHIT , especially when it comes to high profile crimes . What are newspaper and magazine 's primary goal ? To sell newspapers and magazines . How do they do that ? By blowing things out of proportion and making things seem more dramatic than they really are . You can 't believe everything you read , especially from newspapers and magazines . Have you read all of the newspapers about your case ? I 'm sure there are a lot of discrepancies . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm not trying to devalue the victims of the crime I was charged and convicted of . I 'm just stating a fact about newspapers and magazines . Back to your question ; because the way you phrase it . I am not at liberty to give you the answer you 're looking for . Since your question is incriminating , and due to ongoing appeals , my attorney won 't allow me to answer . Never in my life have I felt it necessary to kill someone . I have never had that intention . In all of your exploits , you claim that you never had to touch anyone that they always gave up the cash . But what if a 6 ' 2 " 240 pound man had a Vietnam flashback and charged you during an exploit , just that one time . When you 've shot him ? You claim that the banks were federally insured and so it was a victimless crime . Are you shitting me ? The taxpayers pay for it personally , because the government keeps jacking up taxes . Why do they jack up taxes ? Because of crime , war , bail outs for high and corporations , to line their own pockets . Like Bush did with fuel , etc . . We little people always pay for it personally . For example : when shoplifters steal the company loses on x amount of money . Since they already paid for the goods they have to make up for it . How do they make up for it ? By jacking up prices on goods in the store , so the next guy has to pay for it personally ; but when companies can 't get their money back , it doesn 't work out that way , either the company pays for a cut of their own pocket , or they get a government bailout to go into bankruptcy is a vicious cycle . For every action , there is an equal and opposite reaction , no matter how subtle it may be . Just because you didn 't hurt someone physically doesn 't mean you didn 't hurt someone . There 's the fear factor , loss of mental capacity . The loss of a job due to being scared to be held up again . The loss of their paycheck , etc . to me loss of money hurts . As for martial arts as a way of life ; it 's not all about hand - to - hand combat . I will never be able to give up martial arts . How unfortunate that you gave it up . When you truly love something , you can 't give it up . Did the martial arts training fuel the compulsion to try out your training on someone ? Even though I was a crazy , fun and cocky , no . In the free world , NO , not on regular people , just the guys at the dojo I trained with because we had mutual respect for the art that 's where tranning and indiscipline came in . Since I 've been in prison I 've been in more fights than all the ones I had in the free world . As I write this I 'm serving 30 days in the doghouse for jumping on a stupid ass African that talked to get much and wouldn 't let things go from the basketball court . Since I 've been in prison and since I 'm under siege by idiots , my martial arts training has fueled my compulsion to try out my training . The Wolverine has more battle scars , here it is about respect . You can 't walk away in here , no matter how hard you try not unless you 're a snitch or coward and the Wolverine is neither ! Since you feel like martial arts that your aggressive personality . Have you considered ( MMF ) mixed martial arts fighting in a cage or ( UFC ) ultimate fighting championship ? Those Fights are safer than boxing in they 're matched with someone of your same class . Those fights are awesome ! I wish I could compete in them . One day , maybe I 'll face you in the cage . Congratulations on becoming a computer program in becoming a productive citizen in the end , you 're right , crime does not pay . As for Fayette , I don 't know a great deal about it . I was born in Winfield , but I grew up from the south , mostly in Amarillo Texas and Wolf Creek , Alabama , down the road a ways from Fayette and Winfield . Most of my prized family live in Fayette or around there . But I didn 't grow up much around there in time to time , we would go and visit with my price grandparents . I 'll bet that my ( mama ) grandma price knows your grandparents . We write each other every week . I 'll ask her in a roundabout way , since I don 't know your grandparents names . Yes , Theodore prison is bad . In fact America as the dumping ground of the mentally retarded . I am constantly under siege by idiots and ass holes who never got any home training about common courtesy , manners , respect for their neighbors or personal space . As odd as this may sound , if you 're going to do time in prison being on death row is best placed to do time because you 're in a one - man cell . You don 't have complete privacy , but you don 't have to worry about being around 100 or more men in an open dorm , where everyone is free to walk around and stab you in your sleep . What should i do with my son he dont listen to nothing i say . He is so hard headed . I am tring to get the doctor to give him some thing to calm him down but the day he is suppose to go i end up forgetten about at Advice on how to keep your three year old son out of prison . One , move to a better smaller community . Two , lead by example , do the right thing and keep explaining to him why you do the right things . At least 20 % of kids are hardheaded , and they won 't learn something If you only tell them once . I was somewhat of a rouge child . So keep reminding your son , especially if he acts up or isn 't learning what you try and teach him . Monitor your son as much as possible . Watch them in secret if need be , a smaller community , where most people know your business , can help look out for your son . If you 're in a big city , nobody is making you live there . Don 't be overprotective , but do not be to lax either . Communicate as much as possible , be impartial , but firm , etc . There must be balanced and everything . Hello Mr . Rockwell , I 'm a clean - cut white kid from a good family who now lives in a somewhat tough neighrborhood close to my school that I 'm attending . I 've engaged in a few scuffles because I 'm a clean - cut typical - looking white person and don 't look threatening . Can I still be " me , " while discouriging future attacks ? My father once told me : Never judge a book by it 's cover . But it 's been my experience that many people do . Is there some way through body language or some type of metaphysical action I can do that will convey to any potential preadator that I 'm not some easy mark while still being well - groomed , polite and curteous to my fellow communtiy members ? Thanks in advace for any words of wisdom you may have and I hope all is well with you and you are still writing , being creative and doing great ! Thanks , Pj While discouraging future attacks , can you still be you ? The answer is , yes . But you have to move , if you don 't like the neighborhood , move . I am under the impression that you still live at home with your parents . If that is the case , you 'll need to grow up , partner , at 27 years old . You are way too old to be living with mom and pop If you feel like you can 't move away and you have two choices . " When in Rome do as the Romans do " . Meaning , if most young people dressed like thugs in your neighborhood and you should dress as much like that as possible . And for your second choice , learn to defend yourself . Find a local dojo or YMCA and explain to sensei or manager your need for self - defense and the bad things that happen to you , . They can provide you with many helpful quick tips . Don 't draw attention to yourself , showy dress , or running away , and get your car keys out way before you get your car , have your keys sticking out of your fist around your middle finger . Aim for the eyes or throat . Walk wide around corners etc . . If that doesn 't work , get a permit to carry a side arm and get practical training . If an attacker can surprise you a gun is useless . A trained assassin can kill you , cut off your head before you can even think about drawing a side arm . With a gun get proper training . True , never judge a book by its cover , but we all do it anyway visits instinctive survival trait man versus man sized sizing each other up , that trait goes way back to the primitive man . Most of the time , trust your gut . You get a bad feeling about someone write off its best to steer clear . First impressions are a huge factor , if a potential predator approaches you and your gut tells you something is wrong use of palm heel strike to the nose or kick to the growing and run like hell . It 's a dangerous world out there partner , so it better safe than sorry . Hit first , run , and ask questions later Number four , write and draw my own graphic novel and have it published . That would be my career , mostly because you can write - - draw just about any where . Especially traveling . I also want to get my own personal cartoon cards , ( humor illustrator greeting cards ) published . There 's a lot of positive things I want to do with my life . Life is way too short to waste . From previous Question - - - - - what is it like to kill someone ? Come on now , what he planning on killing someone ? ! Well , to answer your question from research in a pure theoretical point of view . It depends on the situation . If you 're in an abuse relationship and you 're scared for your life and you kill the abuser . Then you will feel relief . If someone harasses you with nitpicking Peddie asked stupid little rules for years and you will fill gratification for killing off pieces shipped ! If you 're driving down the road or whatever and accidentally kill someone , and you feel , grief , sorrow , regret and sadness . If you 're paid assassin , You feel the whole spectrum of emotions from sad to happy . Like I said , it just depends on the situation . Well , that 's a very good question . You must realize that every single person locked up behind bars has been abused by corrupt legal system , minus the ones who 've gotten great deals by confessing , snitching or are in a witness protection program . First of all , congratulations to your husband for getting off death row . I 'm on death row so I feel his pain . Until your situation , I had never heard of , an attorney asking for a transcript back from a client . If an attorney wanted a copy of the transcript which is public record , he can get it in the clerk 's office at the courthouse for a fee . Anyone can , obviously his attorney did not want him to keep his transcript . It is good that the attorney is no longer with yall . During his last trial . I 'm not sure what kind of waivers , your husband needed to sign . The DA was not supposed to be able to suppress evidence . Even if they did , your husband 's attorney is entitled to any evidence the DA has , so his attorney has a chance to use or object to said evidence . If indeed they try to suppress the evidence at trial , your husband 's attorney should have objected and found out why it was being suppressed for public record As for your willing witness , who committed suicide . I seriously doubt he committed suicide . In order to cover their ass , DA or police had him murdeedr . I 've seen that happen in prison before , even though I don 't know the extent of your husband 's case , you sound like you 're dealing with some powerful people . I can 't give a full opinion , because you did not get me enough detail . What was the full charge ? What suspects were involved ? , etc . if I knew your husband 's story and what part he played I could give you a much better opinion . Since you 're stating that your willing witness committed suicide , and I suspect that he was murdered . I must warn you , you 're treading on deadly ground . If people are telling you to shut up that you 're being paranoid , that the subtle threat that if you don 't mind your own business you could be in trouble , you should be very careful but don 't give up , just be careful . If you 're sending out many e - mails to various organizations make sure you make a few copies , one for yourself , a couple of others for a good attorney and a reporter . After a time in building of e - mails and other paperwork , find a credible new paper / news reporter , give them all the details of corrupt officials ect . Keep searching . You may find a good reporter to tell your story . If you can 't find an attorney I mean , if you can 't afford an attorney then hire an investigator to dig up dirt on the corrupt judge or DA etc . that would be much cheaper than an Attorney . Find out just what kind of corrupt people you are really dealing with . I hate to burst your bubble , but there is no such thing a fair trial been . I 've been on death row for over 15 year 's . If there was a place where you could go for a fair trial most of us back here , would have already been there . We all would know about it . There are many guys back here with similar stories to that of your husband . In my case , I can tell you a shocking story about a corrupt DEA and sherriff . My attorney wouldn 't do anything about it either . They did not even want to find the detIf you are computer literate you can look up , " equal Justice initiative " or the " Southern poverty Law Center " if you search them out , the website will give you connections to other such helpful organizations . You 're going to have to call them and speak with them in person . Obviously your e - mails aren 't working . Also you can contact the ACLU and American Civil Liberties Union and the Department of Justice in Washington , DC . On the DOJ get on their directory and find their investigative division . If you have a legitimate complaint . They have mean investigative division to prosecute corrupt officials . At lease that 's what all the scuttlebutt is . You could also contact the FBI of your state . You and your husband have a long uphill battle . Read all of your husband 's legal paperwork and find a law library read up on it and try to find him a loophole that has finished ? I have been writing to prisoners for the past 10 years . My brother ended up in prison and it opened my eyes to the importance of maintaining outside ties . Anyway , that was just a little background on me . My question is this : Do prisoners ever get to the point where they no longer want outside contact ? I have a pen - pal that I have been writing to for the past seven years . In the beginning he was very attentive , sweet and happy to have me in his life . Things happened where we might lose contact , but we always got back in touch with each other . This last time I wrote he seemed different . He was happy to hear from me and said he missed me , but he barely wrote me a one page letter to my six pages . Not to mention that I send him letters that he doesn 't even respond to . I know that he lost an appeal and still has a good 10 more years to go . ( If he had won it , he would have been out this past year ) . I 'm wondering if that has something to do with it . Anyway , he keeps shutting me out now . If I push , he gets mad , but at least I get a response . : ) I can be a pain in the ass , but if I don 't show I care . . . who will ? Anyway , I 'll write or send cards and half the time I get nothing in response . Obviously after seven years I 've grown to care for him . Note : we were never a couple , so we don 't have that type of issue surrounding us . He has told me if he was free he would want to be with me . He has also told me he loved me because I have stuck by his side , but that is it concerning that type of thing . I consider him a friend and want to keep him in my life , but I 'm at the point where I don 't know if I should even keep trying . I 've kept my word and tried to prove that I am a loyal friend , but there is only so much that I can do . Is it time for me to just leave him be ? Thanks for any and all responses . The answer is yes , read we prisoners are human . So we go through various ranges of the motion . Even though I can never do it I have actually had moments where I 've thought about cutting off all communication with the outside world . Because , I focus a lot of my time on other people make them cards right and letters draw them pictures etc . for a while it would be a huge help for me to cut off all communication . Any aspect where I can focus most of my time writing , drawing my own personal graphic novel . So I could have something great to leave behind for my mother . If I was to be executed , I would rather have my graphic novel of but not I want to have a Ma . You know , you are inside friend better than I do , but from what you 've said it sounds like he 's in a depressed state of mind . It happens . For those who don 't keep themselves busy , productive , or have a goal prisoners can easily fall into depression . Man , I wish I only had 10 more years to go . Your friend doesn 't even know how lucky he is . However losing an appeal is upsetting , so I can understand how your friend is feeling . Sometimes it 's good that you 're a pain in the ass . Your words and show you care . You 're right , if you don 't show you care , who will ? You can 't always count on someone else to care for someone . You must do it yourself . My advice , once a month , or once every two months , send him a note or a card . Just let him know that you still care , and if he ever needs you , or wants to write . He knows where to contact you . By doing that , you give him some space , but you 've also prove that you 're a loyal friend , and still care about him . I understand your frustration , but it you quit on him then what you said about being a loyal friend is a total contradiction . However , in about a year from now in one of those once a month notes or cards explained to him that if he doesn 't care enough about you to write or communicate then you need to move on with your life . Maybe that will spur him in one direction or another . If he cared about you , like , he says he does thQ : Question : I was with my baby 's father for 10 years and he was in and out of jail and prison while we were together . While he was in , he would send me love letters and promises to marry me and all that stuff but then a month later after he gets out , he 's back to being a playa ; . Well , he 's in prison now for murder but was only sentenced for 10 years ( thank God ! ) but he 's back on asking me to wait for him and talking about getting married when he gets out . He claims that he 's turning his life around and the only thing that would make him happy is for us to be together . Should I consider waiting on him and give him another chance or is this the same old rap he 's been singing before ? Whudduya think ? " fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me . " You should really think about that . For 10 years it was admirable that you stood by and supported your boyfriend while he was in and out of jail . However , once he got out , he said he became a player again . Does that mean he started cheating on you with other women ? If so , and now that he 's back in prison for murder and a 10 year sentence , you would have to be an idiot to put your life on hold and wait for a loser . However many times he was in and out of jail before . Obviously he was too stupid to learn from his mistakes and doesn 't deserve you . You deserve better . Your child deserves parents who are more responsible . Life is way too short to put up with so much bullshit . How many chances do you need to get that asshole . Obviously he doesn 't care about you or your child , or he wouldn 't have been doing the same stupid SHIT that wound him back up in prison . Your so - called boyfriend is singingthat same old tired song , move on , find someone better , whom you deserve and let that ass will find some other sucker . Hey , I have a question . . . I went to school with this guy growing up we never talked during that time as he is a few years older than me . I found his myspace profile one day and saw that he has been locked up the past 4 yrs with one yr left to go . I really have no idea why I chose to write him since we didn 't ever have a relatioship other than small town aqaintence but i did . . Not something I have ever done . He was so excited to hear from me and writes me several times a week really long nice letters . Over the months he has claimed to have developed feeling for me . He never has asked me for anything but a letter and has his mom send pics of him to my house . he in for assualt charges and seems to be very intelligent and over the years spiritual as well . Can his feelings be real for me ? Or am I just the only available romantic output for him during his stay ? I realize it must get lonely and it 's probably nice to be able to correspond with a female . He is always respectful and has never brought up the subject of sex . The next question has this ever happened to you or another fellow inmate ? Do you know how any of the relationships went post incareration ? The last question I have is if he still feels that way upon release the whole idea of " prison sex " weather he has done it or had it done to him or not . His first letter to me described all the bad things he has saw in there , rape , murder , and such . i never asked him these questions he brought it up he says that he is one of the lucky ones . . . He was tranferred last year to the prison mental health facilty . I guess i \ 'm just afraid to come straight out and ask him something so personal ? I don \ 't want to hurt his feeling or make him feel ashamed . The last this is if worst case scenario \ " did happen \ " do they keep HIV or HEP C populations segregated ? as to not spread these infection to healthy inmates . He \ 's a VERY buff white male 32 , 5ft 10 , about 230lbs would he be a likely candidate for rape ? Could he be a likely candidate for doing it to someone else after almost five yeA : about your school acquaintance : If he writes you several long letters per week never really asked you for anything , and I believe his feelings are real for you . It 's an old cliché that we have nothing but time . Even though we are prisoners and locked behind bars , if he is a man of my stature , then he super busy with a lot to do each day . And there just isn 't enough time per day to get everything accomplished . It takes a lot of time and thought and effort to write several long letters per week . I 'm lucky if I can get one long letter written per week , because of all the things I do . ( Even though they are somewhat limited from authorities ) . If he writes you several long letters per week , then he 's focusing most of his time on you . A man willing to make all those other sacrifices just to spend all of his time on you , I truly believe he cares for you . You 're not his only available romantic output for him during his stay in prison . There are many penpal places that he could get in contact with . Because he spends most of his time on you , it appears that he 's not interested in finding other romantic outputs . Yes , this situation has happened to me , and has and does happen to other prisoners . With men I know , there is no post - incarceration or the ones I have known of that did get lucky and got out , I 'm not in contact with , so I don 't know how the relationships went . While on death row I have known a couple of acquaintances they got married . One is still on death row , but he has gotten divorced . Not his choice ; and , the other got off of death row . He got life without parole , and has gotten divorced , even though he got life without parole , not his choice either . I have another friend who got off death row , but has life without parole . While on death row , he met a woman and got a long relationship . But once he got off death row , he and his girlfriend got married . There still there . Now about prison rape , sex , etc . . Personally , I have not seen that with my own eyes . However , I have only heard about some incidences of sex on dIf your friend is a very buff , white male , 32 , 5 ' 10 " and about 230 pounds and is not much of a candidate for rape . I 'm 36 5 ' 9 " and 226 pounds of muscle and nobody fucks with the Wolverine ! It 's highly unlikely that your friend would do that to another guy , even after five years . I 've been locked up almost 17 years and I 've no interest whatsoever in another hard Dick Man ! That 's disgusting ! In fact , I would do something violent to a man who touched me in a sexual manner . No amount of time would make me attracted to another man . The Wolverine is all about the ladies smile ! If your friend is anything like me then you have nothing to worry about . Hmmmm . If your friend is in love with you , how could he not bring up the topic of sex . That is odd or unorthodox . However , possibly he has so much respect for you that he shied to approach the subject is sex maybe he is waiting on you to open that door , if anything , ask him why is never tried it converse about sex with you . If you want to know something . Just ask . You never know unless you ask , good luck . . what is it like to kill someone ? Come on now , what he planning on killing someone ? ! Well , to answer your question from research in a pure theoretical point of view . It depends on the situation . If you 're in an abuse relationship and you 're scared for your life and you kill the abuser . Then you will feel relief . If someone harasses you with nitpicking Peddie asked stupid little rules for years and you will fill gratification for killing off pieces shipped ! If you 're driving down the road or whatever and accidentally kill someone , and you feel , grief , sorrow , regret and sadness . If you 're paid assassin , You feel the whole spectrum of emotions from sad to happy . Like I said , it just depends on the situation . My boyfriend of 10 months just got out of prison , he was down for 6 years . Anyway , he shows no emotion and being a women , I show plenty of it and I expect at least a little out of him . How can I tell if he cares about me ? He says he loves me and buys me material things but when he messes up he says he 's sorry and buys me something , its really nice of him but he shows me nothing of meaning to me . How do I deal with him ? Dear , I live in Seattle . Well , lady . Men are wired differently than women ; therefore , we express ourselves in different ways . Technically , were all different and unique individuals . Sure , we all share some of the same traits , habits , mannerisms , etc . but in the end we 're all different individuals , so we express ourselves differently . Since your boyfriend was in prison , I can understand why he doesn \ 't show much emotion - - prison makes you jaded , because you \ 're under siege by idiots . You can \ 't expect your boyfriend to show emotion ; that means you \ 're trying to change him . When you \ 're expecting him to do something . Honestly , we can \ 't change other people . They change on their own . Sure , we can give advice or open their eyes to a different point of view , but we can \ 't change them . If that cat says he loves you and buys you material things , why can \ 't you be happy with that ? That \ 's a lot more than a lot a men will give you . What is \ " meaning \ " to you ? When your boyfriend fucks up , you said , he says he \ 's sorry and buys you something , but that he doesn \ 't show you anything of \ " meaning \ " . What would be meaningful to you ? Have you tried setting him down , looking him in the eye , and telling him what is meaningful to you ? It sounds like you \ 'll have a lack of communication . If you respected him , you wouldn \ 't be trying to change him , and , if he respected you he would try to accommodate you . A relationship is about compromise . Each person has to give 100 % . Is he loyal ? Is he responsible ? Why is so focused on one aspect of his character . If showing no emotion is his worst flaw , believe me , with other men , you could do a lot worse ! My son is 39 years old who has been living at home since collage . He played football as an offensive line man at central Washington university . After his football career he has hardly done anything . He has gained a large amount of weight . . He works at a local tavern and sleeps all day . I love him very much but last week I walked in on him and caught him wearing one of my dresses . What should I do . As for the 65 - year old mother of four , with the 39 - year old son who lives at home , it sounds like you 're more worried about him wearing your dress than living at home . At this point , you should be more worried about him living at home . If he pays bills , does chores around the house , and helps you any way he can , then I have no problem with that . If he doesn 't help you out in those ways , then you need to kick his big ass out of the house and make him find his own place . Tough love . You 're too old to be babysitting and taking care of a grown - assed man , unless he 's handicapped . To me , it sounds like he 's just a lazy , fat bastard . You need to grow a pair and throw his ass out of the house . At your age , you need all the peace and rest you can get . My grandmother is in the same situation with my younger cousin Jason . He 's a grown - assed man of 30 , and won 't help Mama at all . She 's afraid to kick him out thinking he won 't love her anymore . I think that you 're like that , too . Your son might get upset for a bit , but he won ' stop loving you . Just sit down with him and explain why you need to be alone , if that 's what you really want . He 'll understand . He may not like it , but he 'll understand . As for your son wearing a dress , if it 's your first time catching him at it , then I wouldn 't be too worried about it . He may have just been experimenting - to see what it was like to wear a dress . If you catch him doing it again , just ask him what the hell does he think he 's doing . Ask him if he 's trying to come out of the closet ( is he gay / homosexual ? ) or does he have a fetish for wearing woman 's dresses . You never know unless you ask ; or , as I like to say , " A man never knows , unless he tests himself . " If his wearing dresses offends you so much ( another good reason to boot him out of the house ) , just ask him to please not do that around you . Be open with how you feel . He will respect you more . In other words , don 't be scared , to let him know how you feel about his actions . As for the 65 - year old mother of four , with the 39 - year old son who lives at home , it sounds like you 're more worried about him wearing your dress than living at home . At this point , you should be more worried about him living at home . If he pays bills , does chores around the house , and helps you any way he can , then I have no problem with that . If he doesn 't help you out in those ways , then you need to kick his big ass out of the house and make him find his own place . Tough love . You 're too old to be babysitting and taking care of a grown - assed man , unless he 's handicapped . To me , it sounds like he 's just a lazy , fat bastard . You need to grow a pair and throw his ass out of the house . At your age , you need all the peace and rest you can get . My grandmother is in the same situation with my younger cousin Jason . He 's a grown - assed man of 30 , and won 't help Mama at all . She 's afraid to kick him out thinking he won 't love her anymore . I think that you 're like that , too . Your son might get upset for a bit , but he won ' stop loving you . Just sit down with him and explain why you need to be alone , if that 's what you really want . He 'll understand . He may not like it , but he 'll understand . As for your son wearing a dress , if it 's your first time catching him at it , then I wouldn 't be too worried about it . He may have just been experimenting - to see what it was like to wear a dress . If you catch him doing it again , just ask him what the hell does he think he 's doing . Ask him if he 's trying to come out of the closet ( is he gay / homosexual ? ) or does he have a fetish for wearing woman 's dresses . You never know unless you ask ; or , as I like to say , " A man never knows , unless he tests himself . " If his wearing dresses offends you so much ( another good reason to boot him out of the house ) , just ask him to please not do that around you . Be open with how you feel . He will respect you more . In other words , don 't be scared , to let him know how you feel about his actions . As for the 26 year old dishwasher who wants to know who to vote for president and why : If you 're asking that question to the general public , then you don 't need to vote ; because , you would get hundreds of different reasons for voting for each candidate . All politicians are liars - they always tell you they 'll do one thing ; but , once they get in office , they 'll do something else for their own agenda . Besides , in the end , it don 't matter who you vote for , because the electoral college elects who the next president and vice - president will be , and they have already been elected ; it just hasn 't went public yet , because they 're just going through the motions . . As for the 35 - year old Latina single mom : If your 15 - year old daughter is dating a 19 - year old man , it all depends on what kind of guy he is . I am 35 - years old , too ; but , when I was 19 - years old , I have also been in the above situation with a 14 - or 15 - year old girl . Well technically , I was a senior in high school , and I never asked those girls how old they were , but I knew that they were in 9th - or 10th grade . Me personally , I mostly wanted to get laid , but I wanted to keep them around , so I tried to be as respectful as I could toward them . At that time , I didn 't want to have children with them , so I tried to be as careful as possible , but that 's just me . Like I said , it really depends on who the 19 year old man is . Is he a thug ? A church goer ? A respectful type individual toward you and your daughter ? First , you should have as many conversations as you can with him , to feel him out and learn what kind of man he is . Also , speak with your daughter about the man . Be open and supportive with her . Make sure you converse with her about birth control , condoms , etc . To help protect her from STD 's , AIDS , etc . Make sure she understands all of the risks , especially in the event that her man is a thug , because he 'll just want to get laid and not care . Even though kids at 15 are much smarter than we were at 15 , because of technology , you still need to teach your daughter about sex and its risks . In the heat of passion , we hardly ever think about the consequences ; but , if you 'll keep having " casual " conversations with your daughter about sex and its risks , you 'll have a better chance of getting through to her . Before she has sex , hopefully she 'll think twice about it . Make sure you stay calm and rational . If you forbid her and scream and yell , that will only push her further into his arms . If your daughter 's man is a scumbag that has no respect for her , then you 're treading on dangerous ground ; but , it 's a deadly world out there . You should consider tracking devices from spy outlets , etc . In your own right , you will have to become a super - spy . If you snoop and track your daughter and you find out something twisted , never let her know you know ; that will only push a wedge between you two . If you snoop , never get caught at it . You will have to be cunning . Even though you may find out things about them that you don 't like , don 't throw it in her face ( remember the wedge ) , but at least you will know that they can 't be trusted , and you can render certain restrictions and keep a closer eye on her . To give a better option , I would need all the details about your 15 - year old daughter and the 19 - year old man . There is a great deal missing from this situation . Without all of the evidence , nobody can give a true opinion . Like I said , first off , it all depends on what kind of guy the 19 - year old man is . If you want a follow up , please contact me .
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Sue 's New Year 's Eve suggestions for singles are great . Here are some additional tips gathered from three single friends . Kristi routinely turns down her girlfriends ' invitations to New Year 's Eve dinner in favor of her own quiet celebratory ritual . Way in advance , she schedules herself for a manicure , pedicure , facial , Shiatsu massage , and workout session with a personal trainer , followed by her regular Hatha yoga class . At the end of the day , Kristi feels self - indulgent and exhausted in a very satisfying way . She is rested , relaxed , and ready for good night 's sleep . She has a light dinner and a long soak in the tub , curls up with a book and a glass of wine , and before she knows it , she has to get up and get moving to get to her yoga instructor 's two - hour special New Year 's morning session for his diehard pupils , which is followed by a really great guilt - free vegan brunch . When Monica first got divorced , she went for counseling and the advice she got was to be proactive and do what the opposite sex likes to do , so Monica joined the local ski club which is co - ed and largely made up of single men . Every New Year 's Eve , the ski club has an early pot luck dinner . The party breaks up no later than midnight , though most ski club members want to be in bed by 10 since the next morning at 4 : 30 a . m . , they all have to be on a chartered bus with their gear , ready to spend New Year 's Day on the slopes . Kathy always spends New Year 's Eve babysitting for her nieces and nephews . She has all five of them in her apartment for a giant pizza party and sleepover . They watch vintage horror movies after the littlest ones are tucked in to their sleeping bags . The next day , the kids ' parents drop by in mid - afternoon to retrieve them . As a reward , her grateful siblings chip in and send Kathy to a full - service spa the following weekend . However you choose to spend your New Year 's Eve , we wish you a very Happy New Year ! For several years after my husband and I separated , the day I dreaded most was New Year 's Eve . I feared parties because I imagined that the moment the ball dropped , everyone in the room would grab their beloved and start smooching while I stood awkwardly alone . But my anticipation was always worse than the night itself . My ex moved out five years ago this December , and for that first New Year 's Eve , my wonderful daughter - - then a college senior - - thoughtfully planned a party at our house so I wouldn 't face the night alone . She spent all day making hors d ' oeuvres , involving me in the preparations , and filled our home with her chatty , adorable friends to keep me company . I can 't thank her enough , though I was too freaked out to express my gratitude at the time . I don 't remember how I stumbled through the holiday during the next few years , but I 'll never forget that the moment midnight struck , each of my kids invariably called me from wherever they were to wish me a Happy New Year and tell me they loved me . That went a very long way . If you 're recently separated or divorced and are fortunate enough to regard the holiday as just another night of the year , you 'll survive it easily by settling in with a good book or DVD . But if you can 't quite convince yourself that the night is ordinary , then make plans with a few single girlfriends . Invite them over for a pot - luck dinner and a viewing of " The First Wives Club " or the original black - and - white version of " The Women . " Or go out with them to a movie or comedy club . Before you know it , you 'll realize that the holiday is , in fact , just another night - - and that every new year of your life really does get happier . Step - families , or blended families are tricky business at holiday time because of rigid custody schedules , a new step - mother or step - father in the house , and many other potential land mine factors . For parents , flexibility and understanding are key , and knowing that most kids will take a good long while to warm up when meeting new step - parents or step - siblings will help ease any adult hurt feelings . Whenever birthdays or holidays arrive , the best solution is to create a fair and guilt - free schedule for the kids - they can celebrate Thanksgiving at mom 's house and Christmas Eve at dad 's house and reverse it on other years . Mother 's Day , however , should always see the biological children with their own mother , and the same goes for Father 's day . It 's a good idea to have these important days written in to a court ordered custody schedule , or added if you haven 't done so already . The custody schedule can prevent drama if everything is spelled out , even down to the hour . Whether or not you like the schedule , it will be clear and enforceable and will relieve the kids of any guilt . Tip for being a great step mom or great step dad : have your step kids call their biological moms and dads on all of the holidays when they are in your custody . And pick up the phone yourself and wish your step - child 's mother or father a Happy Birthday , Happy Mother 's Day or Merry Christmas . It 's the right thing to do . If you and your ex are still fuming at one another , there are bound to be glitches when you both have to share your daughter 's or son 's wedding day . Here are a few scenarios and suggestions : " There is no way I will sit next to him " . That 's fine . Nowhere is it written that divorced parents have to sit together . If they really can 't stand each other , at the ceremony , the mother usually sits in the front row and the father in the row behind her . They can also be separated by seating them both in the front row with other relatives between them ( like referees ) . At the reception , they can be seated at different tables , each with people they like . What about the receiving line after the ceremony ? Do you have to tolerate your ex 's new spouse standing next to you ? The receiving line format is up to bride and groom . Luckily , it is traditional that the only man in the receiving line is the groom , and this idea is the best bet for divorced parents . If both parents want to be in the receiving line but don 't want to stand beside each other , then the line should go as follows : bride 's mom , her new husband , groom 's mom , groom 's dad , bride 's dad , his new wife . " I 'm not going if he 's bringing her . " You don 't want to threaten the kids or make them unhappy on their wedding day , but you truly can 't stand to be in the same room with your ex 's new wife since she 's the one who broke up your family and threw your life into chaos . If you are adamant , chances are good that your son or daughter will bow to your wishes . The bridal couple has every right not to invite the " new better half " . This is a day for family and if the kids are not close to their parent 's new spouse and their inclusion will cause extra problems , then it 's not worth it . Also if the bride 's father won 't attend the wedding if he can 't bring his wife / girlfriend , he has clearly made an unfortunate and rather stupid decision to bow out . The main point is that the bride or groom lived through a lot of pain because of their parents ' divorce , so both parents shoPosted by When a parent of the bride or groom is divorced and remarried , what is the proper wedding behavior for the step - parent ? My friend Lisa attended the wedding of her husband 's daughter from his first marriage . Lisa took a back seat , literally . At the ceremony , she sat in the back along with the wedding guests rather than with the relatives and bridal party . She remained invisible during the ceremony , didn 't stand on the receiving line , and didn 't stick her face into in any family photos . That seems appropriate and sensitive behavior for most families . But in a case of egregious behavior , the stepfather of a young bride gallantly chipped in $ 30 , 000 to help pay for her wedding . That sounds nice , but years earlier this man - - let 's call him Dave - - had been the home wrecker who had an adulterous affair with the bride 's mother , who was then married to Dave 's best friend and business partner . So Dave was instrumental in breaking up the bride 's family , his own family - - each with teenage kids - - plus the business and longtime friendship with the bride 's father . Even though Dave married their mother and moved in with them , the bride and her sister never forgave him and never came to like him . But at the wedding , emboldened by his generous contribution , Dave stood up and made a toast , addressing the bride 's father as well as his own ex - wife . " It 's high time that we let bygones be bygones , " he announced . The bride was enraged and her wedding was ruined as far as she was concerned . She and her sister had resented Dave ever since he joined their family , and over the years that took a toll on his marriage to their mother . But this was the straw that broke the camel 's back , and Dave and their mom broke up soon thereafter . Celebrities and their spouses may be getting huge divorce windfalls , but the average Jane is in deep financial tapioca if she 's negotiating a divorce settlement these days . Julia has been a mostly stay - at - home mom with a part - time job selling real estate for the past 20 years . She loves the real estate job because its flexibility has allowed her to chauffeur her three daughters to their activities , be a Girl Scout troupe leader and volunteer for the PTA . Rob , her soon - to - be ex , until recently a big - time investment strategist , always said he loved her job too because Julia was able to be home in time put a hot meal on the table for the family every night . The unraveling started with Rob becoming fatally attracted to Marisa , his running partner , a 35 year old single tri - athlete with a killer body , a Harvard MBA and a trust fund . He became so ga - ga ( or so cagey , depending on your view ) , that he cut back on his financial consulting business to train for marathons all over the world with Marisa . Now that he has successfully depleted his income along with the family 's savings , Rob has filed for divorce . Julia 's income is no longer considered the family 's " second income " . Even though the real estate market is all but dead , and she hasn 't been able to sell a house in six months , Rob 's divorce attorney is claiming that Julia should be supporting herself , the kids and the house , plus paying Rob alimony . This normally would seem like an outrageous crock that any judge would throw out of court without hesitation . However , since Rob 's vastly depleted income is in financial services , the employment area known to be the worst off , Julia 's lawyer has warned her that she 'll be looking at a good deal if she walks away with half the house and the obligation to support herself and the kids . And if the judge doesn 't order her to pay Rob any alimony , she 's supposed to consider herself lucky ! Madonna and Guy Ritchie worked out their divorce settlement . The pop star will pay her ex between $ 76 million and $ 92 million , according to her spokesman . The amount includes the value of their country home in western England as well as the couple 's London pub , the Punchbowl . " I 'd assume it 's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement , " her spokesperson told the AP . Even bigger than the 32 million POUNDS that Paul McCartney forked over to Heather Mills . And all that dough after Guy Ritchie stated repeatedly that he didn 't want anything from Madonna because he was a successful film director in his own right . Guess he changed his mind . Why is it that some of the world 's worst marriages last on and on like the Energizer Bunny ? Here 's one for example : Posy and Jacques , her French husband , have been married now for 18 years . They met when Posy was researching an article on where to stay in the Bahamas for a travel magazine and Jacques was managing a four star resort and aggressively looking for a fifth star . Moving to the city from an adjacent state , Posy had attended a two year college in New York . Three days into her first semester at age 18 , she began a five year affair with a 60 year old married professor . When he dropped dead of a heart attack , her family actually celebrated . She bounced back quickly , and immediately took up with another married guy , the editor of a major travel magazine . By and by his wife discovered the tryst , and the editor offered Posy a long - term assignment in the Caribbean . Not being one to waste any time , her first night in the Bahamas she sidled up to Jacques at the hotel bar and accepted his invitation to sleep with him in the manager 's suite . Jacques was a mere ten years older than she is , and single , not her usual fare , but he was French and handsome . Besides , she got to pocket the expense money from the magazine by staying with him . Three months later , they were married on the beach and he was well on his way to getting the Green Card he coveted . Her parents were relieved that he was younger than them and had never been married to anyone except their daughter . Which they knew because they paid to have a background check done on him . Posy now works for an Asian luxury hotel chain and travels 40 weeks of the year , maintaining long term relationships with boyfriends in three different Asian cities . Jacques is CEO of a consulting business he set up a half dozen years ago in their suburban basement , attempting to place professional hotel managers at luxury resorts . So far he has had two or three interested clients , but no interest from the hotels . So , while he and Posy wait for his business to take off , he has startePosted by This Friday , December 19th , we 'll be on the Morning Show with Rachel and Jeff on WTIC - Fox in Hartford between 8 and 9 a . m . We 'll touch on the following survival tips from STILL HOT . 1 . It 's not your fault if your husband left you for his 22 - year - old yoga instructor . ( So don 't believe his charges that you drove him away because you controlled the thermostat , smeared night cream on your face , and didn 't let him floss in bed . His fling with the babe has everything to do with his fear of death and decrepitude . ) 2 . You 'll learn that your girlfriends are either Betty 's or Veronica 's . ( You need to lean on them , but you 'll quickly find out that some get an A and a few deserve an F . The A girlfriend runs into your ex and tells you just what you wanted to hear : that he 's gotten bald and fat . But the F pal reports back that he 's gotten really buff and his girlfriend looks like Cameron Diaz . ) 3 . Change your image from soccer - mom stodgy to single - mom sexy . ( By going shopping with your teenage daughter and letting her swap your frumpy sweats for tank tops and form - fitted skirts . And be sure to toss your white cotton granny panties . ) 4 . Those internet dating profiles can be a crock of cow dung . ( They 're inflated , misstated and self - deluded , but with practice and our book , you 'll learn to decode them . For instance , if he describes himself as " cuddly , " he has a 50 - inch waist . If he 's been told he 's " very handsome , " it 's by his mother . And never underestimate the power of Photoshop to erase bad teeth and multiple chins . ) 5 . Beware if the guy you 're dating is totally bald , but there 's a hairdryer and conditioner in his bathroom . ( Mr . Wrong comes in two varieties : the Player and the Loser . The player is described above ; you might also find a lavender thong between his sheets or a lacey camisole in his closet . No matter what he says , they 're not his mother 's . The loser 's idea of a long - term relationship is six weeks , and you have to kick four laundry bags out of the way to enter his apartment , where you 'll find his extensive porn collectiPosted by There are now a number of divorced couples who are living together , stuck leading totally separate lives under the same greatly depreciated roof . Because real estate sales are at a standstill , these couples can 't split the revenue from the sale of their jointly - owned house , move out , and move on . Take Pete , aka " the soup guy , " for instance . Bette - Ann met Pete in her divorced singles discussion group . Although , she had pledged to herself not to date anyone in her group , he was nice , funny friendly and persistent , and she gave in . Pete 's idea of a fun date was to take a long walk together , then go grocery shopping and bring all the ingredients back to Bette - Ann 's house and cook up a fabulous pot of soup . Bette - Ann who had never had a man make a meal for her in her life , except that time when she was four and her mom gave birth to her younger sister and her dad made her peanut butter sandwiches , was enthralled . For the first 3 dates . Then it wore a little thin , and she let Pete know she wouldn 't mind going out for dinner and a movie . As a matter of fact , she 'd go Dutch . She just wanted to get out of her house for a change . Not to mention that because he was doing the cooking , she always felt obligated to wash the dishes plus his soup pot , which was no break at all from her daily routine . So , Pete agreed to a movie and dinner date . Once . Then he resumed the soup routine . Bette - Ann began to wonder why Pete never wanted to make soup at his place . So she asked , and here is what she learned : Pete and his ex had been divorced for three years , but they had a huge mortgage on their two bedroom condo and no buyers . Neither could afford to move out without the money from the sale of the condo . A year and a half after the divorce was final , Pete 's ex had finally invited her new boyfriend to move in . With his 160 pound Old English Mastiff . Which Pete was allergic to . Not to mention that the boyfriend has custody of six year old twins with ADD on alternate weekends . Hearing this harrowing tale , Bette - Ann was terriPosted by The recession appears to have a two - pronged effect on the divorce rate , forcing less - affluent couples to stay together while giving wealthier ones a reason to split . Experts agree that when cash is tight , marital problems spike . In some cases , money is the cushion that supports the relationship , and when it disappears , couples are left with the bare bones of a not - so - happy union . Moreover , financial problems increase strife , stress and depression , all of which put a severe strain on marriages . These factors could lead to a rise in the divorce rate . In addition , with the stock market tanking , wealthy business owners who are now poorer on paper see this as an opportune time to divide assets . Sumner Redstone filed for divorce when his 16 million Viacom shares were at $ 18 . 85 , down from $ 39 . 40 six months ago , and his CBS shares had dropped about $ 288 million in value . His wife got millions less than she would have had he filed six months earlier . But for people who are not wealthy , divorce is a luxury they cannot afford . The disastrous real - estate market is leaving many homeowners with no equity in their homes and turning what would normally be their biggest marital asset into a liability . Or at the very least , it 's impossible to sell the marital home for enough money to finance two new households and monthly child support . Retirement accounts have plunged in value . People who have lost jobs have no choice but to stick with the spouse who can provide medical benefits . And people can 't get a credit card or personal loan to pay attorney fees because the lending market is so tight . As a result , some couples are choosing to live together as estranged roommates . And maybe , if they 're lucky , they just might weather the storm . Like many of us , after her divorce Liz found herself happily losing some excess pounds , but after a while she realized that she really wasn 't eating enough and that in fact she was hardly eating anything at all on the alternate weekends when her kids were with their dad . This fall , after a year of bad eating habits , surviving whole weekends on coffee , a large candy bar and a bottle of wine , she pledged that she would cook for herself and for friends on those lonely childless weekends , so she signed up with Fresh Direct and placed an order heavy on the healthy food groups . The delivery arrived on Friday evening just after she had kissed the kids goodbye . The young , handsome and very buff delivery guy easily carried her three heavy boxes up the four flights to her loft . Liz had fixed herself a cup of tea and thought it would be polite to offer him one as well . He was pleased to have an opportunity to warm up on a chilly autumn night and they chatted for a while . Two weeks later when the same delivery guy brought her order , Liz had just started to pour herself a glass of wine . Again , she politely offered and again he accepted . Only this time , after they each had a second glass of wine and then somehow the bottle was empty , they found themselves making out on her couch . Both feeling smitten , they spoke on the phone daily after that first make - out session . Two more weeks passed and this time they ended up in her bed . It must have been pretty good , because rather than wait for two more weeks , Liz placed her order to arrive 5 days later on Wednesday night when the kids were sleeping at their dad 's . This pattern continued . The Fresh Direct guy always came with flowers or perfume for Liz in addition to her grocery order , and she stopped tipping at his insistence . Liz began to gain weight . She was cooking up a storm . Her kids began to gain weight , though they complained that she served them too many green vegetables . Her friends began to gain weight . She was having groceries delivered every time her kids were out of the houPosted by Last night a friend told me about a woman who recently separated from her husband , a compulsive gambler . She immediately traded in that addiction for a new boyfriend who has a drinking problem . Even worse , she moved in with said man within six months of meeting him , and is now heavily advising him on his divorce litigation . Specifically , she is leaning on him to curtail the amount of alimony and child support that he 'll pay to his ex - wife and kids . Yet this woman , who has kids of her own , could be in the very same position ! In fact , my friend warned her , " How would you like it if your husband had a new girlfriend who did that to you ? " If you 're dating a separated guy , stay out of his divorce settlement ! By the way , here are a few additional money - saving tips : 1 . If you 're divorced , sell your old wedding dress on Craig 's list , eBay , or through a consignment shop . ( Assuming your daughter doesn 't want the gown 's doomed karma . ) 2 . Ditto for the wedding rings . 3 . Cut down on the lattes - - they add up wallet - and calorie - wise . 4 . Instead of buying a bottle of water every time you feel thirsty , save a few plastic bottles and refill them before you leave the house . 5 . Don 't get conned into buying fancy , expensive facial soaps . Remember , they 're only on your skin for a few seconds . A bar of Basis soap , available at the drug store for less than $ 3 , will do your complexion just fine .
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There 's a real dark side to being flavor of the month . ( I 've experienced it more than once . ) Look at how God treats His " chosen people " in the Old Testament . One minute they 're chosen , the next a rebellious and stiff - necked generation . You can 't ever believe your own press . Good to keep in mind . It always surprises me when certain things I post invoke the ire of so many readers , especially the anonymous ones . Yesterday 's passive aggressive rant on things that bug me about co - existing in community , seems to have been one of those posts . The gist of my critical comments ranged from blaming the exposé on my now well - established addiction to alcohol ( see earlier post where I wondered about the possibility here ) to the fact that nothing changes . . . ( as in : I was always a b * tch before so I 'll always be one in the future . ) Give me a break . Anyone who thinks that living with nuns is somehow different than living with other human beings , needs to wake up and smell the day - old coffee grounds . Yes . . . we pray a lot ; yes , we have a commitment to God ; yes , we love each other and forgive each other for all kinds of things you 'd get fired for in the secular world . But that doesn 't mean we don 't drive each other nuts from time to time . Can you spell H - U - M - A - N ? With all the warts ? Some apparently can 't when it comes to religious . There 's an unhealthy need for ( me in particular ) to conform to some preconceived perception of what a religious should and should not be , say or do . What 's that about ? They conveniently forget that , in addition to seeing my sisters through very human eyes , I also look in the mirror . I am not , nor will I ever be perfect . ( I 'm not even sure I 'd ever even want to be , for that matter . ) Perfection is way overrated , and it 's too subjective . Your idea of perfect could be my idea of hell . Given the comments . . . probably is . Every now and then my paranoia gets the best of my compassion . . . and I go straight to " she did that on purpose ! " Seven times out of ten I am wrong . She did not do it on purpose ( at least not consciously ) . She forgot . Or she didn 't even notice , or even think it was something that was hers to do . The she in these cases could apply to any one of my sisters at any given time , but more often than not , it comes down to just one or two . . . whose ways of being in the world are so alien to mine I get bent out of shape . For instance : if I walk into my bathroom and hear the shower running next door , I don 't flush my toilet . I don 't get into my shower and turn the water on . Our pipes are ancient and the pressure is awful . Yet I can be showering away myself and suddenly be without water . What 's with that ? Another example : Dishes get put away in certain places in our cupboards . One sister gets so upset when they are put in the wrong place or in the wrong order she slings them around and the bowls get chipped . I feel like slinging them myself , when I keep finding the large baking sheets on top of the small ones . They nest . Beautifully . Yet someone is either too lazy to bother to nest them or doesn 't think it matters . Then there 's the sister who does everything at a snail 's pace , and others are continually waiting for her . Waiting for her to finish eating , to finish getting dressed , to finish going to the bathroom . She takes her time no matter how many people are inconvenienced , seemingly oblivious to the resentment swirling around her . But wait , there 's more . . . one sister volunteers for everything and then only does half of what she volunteers for . Another sister never volunteers for anything and feels put upon when someone suggests maybe she could help with the workload . And then there are the passive aggressive behaviors that are too vague and discreet to point a finger at , yet irritate and annoy . Leaving your trash for someone else to clean up . . . making the coffee but not emptying the grounds , leaving one spoonful of food in the Posted by Revised Common Lectionary for the Fourth Sunday of Epiphany : Jeremiah 1 : 4 - 10I Corinthians 13 : 1 - 13Luke 4 : 21 - 30Jeremiah may have been a bullfrog in some circles , but he sure didn 't want to be a prophet . " . . . I am only a boy . " But God sounds a little irritable when He says , " Do not say ' I am only a boy ' ; for you shall go to all to whom I send you ; and you shall speak whatever I command you . " So much for free will . In Corinthians we hear the familiar verses : . . . Love is patient ; love is kind ; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude . It does not insist on its own way ; it is not irritable or resentful ; . . . And finally , from Luke , Jesus reminding the congregation in Nazareth that no prophet is accepted by those who knew him when . . . and that being a Jew will get them no special treatment from God . That last little bit of truth riled them up so badly they tried to throw him off a cliff . So the Gospel message points back to the Old Testament reading . . . nobody ( unless they have a death wish ) wants to be a prophet . It 's a dangerous job . Speaking God 's truth will get you killed . Our celebrant this morning explored some of the reasons why people don 't want to hear the truth , especially from somebody they thought was one of them . How come this guy knows something I don 't ? Who died and made him king ? I remember him when he couldn 't blow his own nose . . . yadda yadda yadda . Do we feel insulted ? Or inconvenienced ? Will accepting the truth mean we 've somehow fallen short ? And if so , who are you to tell me I 've fallen short anyway ? Truth and human nature . . . like oil and water , they need to be shaken really hard to emulisfy , and even then the particles immediately start to separate . Is it because honesty is in fact brutal ? Is it because honesty hurts so much that the only reaction is violence ? In Corinthians , the pretty words ( reserved mostly for wedding ceremonies ) mask an even harder truth . . . love is the only thing that matters . Without the attributes of love : patience , endurance , humility , kindness , cheerful acceptance . . . anytPosted by dis · com · bob · u · late [ dis - kuhm - bob - yuh - leyt ] - verb ( used with object ) , - lat · ed , - lat · ing . to confuse or disconcert ; upset ; frustrateIt 's been a week of discombobulation . I like the way that word sounds , probably because I don 't really pronounce it right . I say " bob - uh - late " instead of bob - yuh - leyt . . . it should be the name for some effervescent drink . I 'll have a bobulate with a twist of lime , please . When I 'm discombobulated everything goes flat . Everything . We have two sisters away traveling , one has been gone for a week . Another two were attending a workshop downtown for two days . Another sister collapsed during mass on Wednesday and was sent to the hospital , which meant another sister was gone with her the whole day . We don 't have that many able - bodied sisters left when circumstances start picking us off . So we do the best we can and the rest falls through the cracks . Oh . . . and our clothes dryer quit heating on laundry day , and nothing would get dry . Weeks where everything seems to go wrong , or the little details all mush together and the safety net falls apart , are overwhelming . I 'm flattened out . Cardboard . I 'm not doing much on my to - do list that requires any kind of deep thought . I 'm addressing envelopes . I 'm writing a whiney blog , not some profound treatise on the Gospel . ( Not that my thoughts are all that profound . . . I realize that . ) But I can 't do much else . I 'll catch you later . Luke 4 : 14 - 21Our celebrant on Sunday shed new light on that old adage " You can never go home again " as the Gospel from Luke points out so well . Jesus has finished his time of testing in the desert and he 's full of the Spirit ( and probably himself ) and has come back to Galilee . Everything is going just fine until he shows up in his own home town , Nazareth . He goes to church , stands up to read , and reads from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah . According to Luke ( 4 : 18 - 19 ) he reads : The Spirit of the Lord is upon me , because he has annointed me to bring good news to the poor , He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives , and recovery of sight to the blind , to let the oppressed go free , to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor . And then he sits back down . If you haven 't cross - referenced that with the actual passage from Isaiah , you 're probably thinking . . . okay , so ? But listen to this : ( Isaiah 61 : 1 - 2 ) The spirit of the Lord God is upon me , because the Lord has annointed me ; he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed , to bind up the brokenhearted , to proclaim liberty to the captives , and release to the prisoners ; to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor , and the day of vengeance of our God . . . He didn 't read it right . The part about vengeance he omits completely , and he adds something actually from Isaiah 42 . . . the part about opening the eyes of the blind . The actual passage is : Isaiah 42 : 7 to open the eyes that are blind , to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon , from the prison those who sit in darkness . These were assigned readings . People had heard them over and over and would have noticed the difference . No wonder all eyes of the entire assembly were fixed on him . He didn 't get to pick and choose what he wanted , yet he did it anyway . He rearranged the verses , and in so doing , reinterpreted the Torah . I always thought they were just insulted because he implied that he was the fulfillment of Isaiah 's prophesy , but it was much more serious than that . I get angry when soapbox preachers take the words of ScrPosted by Sometimes I worry about being an alcoholic . My mother was , her sister and husband both were , apparently my dad drank heavily before he left my mom . . . I have the genes and the environmental history . And I like to drink . I like the " buzz " I get from a couple of glasses of wine . I 'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol ; anything over two and I 'm tipsy . The urban dictionary defines tipsy as : The state when you are drinking alchohol in which you are past light headedness but before being drunk . or . . . Tipsy is when you 're buzzin from alcohol , but you 're not hammered yet . That 's good . . . not being hammered is a good thing . I equate tipsy with lightheadedness , in all its manifestations . . . physical effects : the easy , dizzy , sort of walking - on - air feeling , where I 'm aware of everything around me but in a pleasant hazy way . Psychological effects : an increased ability to do those things I normally find difficult . ( ie : I had wine once before a bell choir practice and played better than I ever had . I was so relaxed that I was not intimidated by the music , and my inhibitions made way for whatever natural talent I had . ) It 's easier for me to talk to strangers at parties , easier to sing in front of a group . My mother used to point to people with red noses , and say " That man 's a boozer . " I asked her how she knew , and she said it had something to do with the capillaries bursting in your nose when you drank a lot . It 's ironic that she drank ( a lot ) but never exhibited the red - nose syndrome . I have a red nose . When I get teary - eyed , when I 'm angry , my nose turns red . I look in the mirror on a morning after I 've had wine and sure enough , my nose is red . ( I also have a red nose on a morning after I 've drunk diet coke , so I 'm not sure it 's conclusive evidence . ) Am I an alcoholic ? Do I drink every day ? No . Do I need to drink ? No . Do I want to drink when it 's been a stressful day ? Yes . Do I want to drink when I 'm out with friends ? Often . So where is the line and how will I know if I 'm in danger of crossing it ? Do I want to give up drinkingPosted by People in Texas and parts of the mid - west , not accustomed to way - below - freezing temperatures and ice storms , could probably look out their windows and say " what global warming ? ! ? " But most of us realize that just one of the side effects predicted will be a shift in the climatic zones . Areas that used to have mild winters and rarely saw snow will experience severe freezes , while places dependent upon snow will get rain . ( That 's been us in New York . It 's freezing now , but today is only our second cold day all winter . Whether you currently believe in global warming or not , this week scientists have moved the " doomsday clock " forward by two minutes , not because of nuclear threat , but due to the risk / consequences of global warming . That 's a pretty major step forward in our consciousness . There 's an interesting blog called The Conscious Earth you might want to visit here for more information . Last Pentecost we had our annual party in the city . A professional photographer ( a friend of a friend ) was in attendance ( see new pic of me in the sidebar ) and he captured many of us enjoying each other 's spirit - filled company , often with gales of laughter . His name is Mark Stephen Kornbluth and you can view a substantial portfolio of his work here . I especially love his black and white photography , but that may be because I was once a photographer myself , as were both of my ex - husbands . ( Please file that under equal - opportunity blogging . . . nobody gets left behind . ) Seriously , or maybe not so seriously , laughter is good medicine . The Maryland School of Medicine researchers recently showed that laughter is linked to healthy function of blood vessels . ( Translate : good for your heart . ) Groucho Marx said : A clown is like an aspirin , only he works twice as fast . This pain management effect has also been proven by case studies , as have the physiological effects of laughter in the immune system . Laughter causes an increase in the number and activity of T cells and natural killer cells , the cells that fight foreign cells and cancer cells ; increase in gamma interferon , a blood chemical that stimulates the immune system ; a rise in immunoglobulin A , an antibody that fights upper respiratory tract infections , and more immunoglobulins G and M , which help fight other infections . Immunoglobulins or hobgoblins , I don 't really care which . . . I just need to keep laughing . At everything . Especially at those things some people think should be exempt from laughter : tradegy , religion , bodily functions . . . to name a few . On the eve of the feast day ( and national holiday ) of The Rev . Martin Luther King , Jr . I think it 's appropriate to take a look at how we despise the radical thinkers of our time until their thinking has made an impact for change . Then we celebrate them , enshrine them , have holidays in their honor . I lived in the South as a child until I was six years old . I remember riding through " colored town " with my grandmother , on Sunday mornings , looking out the window at the black people getting into their Cadillacs as they were leaving for church . Grammie would shake her head in disapproval . " They always have nice cars , " she told me , " but they live in shacks . " I was more interested in their lovely outfits . It seemed to me ( at five ) that they had their priorities pretty straight if they dressed up so nice for God . I remember once being thirsty when we were downtown , and seeing a water fountain , wandered over for a drink . I couldn 't reach the faucet , so an elderly black man kindly lifted me up . He had just placed me gently on the sidewalk when my grandmother snatched my hand and dragged me away . " Don 't ever drink from a colored water fountain ! What were you thinking ! " I was thinking I was thirsty and there was water . . . what 's a colored water fountain ? Children aren 't born racists , they are made that way . Americans once said we stood for : Truth , Justice and the American Way . Am I so naive to be the only one not to get that the concept only existed on the after - school episodes of Superman ? Perhaps . Yet it existed in the heart of Martin Luther King , Jr . He spoke radically for his race , for his ordinary human rights , for justice and change . Like Jesus , he was killed for his message of warning and his insistence on change . And , like Jesus , we 've given him a national holiday to say thank you very much . Don 't ask for anything else . You got your integrated water fountains , now shut up , and please go away . Yet the Epiphany season is upon us . We 've put away the creche , packed up the ornaments , thrown out the tree , swept up the lingeringPosted by I have two ex - husbands . If and when I post about one and not the other , old rivalry issues seem to spring up . On a good day , that 's amusing . On a bad day , it 's annoying . ( I am annoyed . ) I think there 's an anger virus circulating , and the vaccine for it hasn 't even been thought of , never mind invented . My second ex - husband is angry because I wrote about my first ex - husband 's non - wedding anniversary and not about his , which , for the record , would have been thirty years on December 11th . If I had stayed married to him . My daughter - in - law has been angry ( very angry ) with apparently good reasons for the past few days . She used four - letter words to vent her frustrations . She has also been sick . . . and illness , more than any other adversity , can bring me down to scum level . I had the dreaded annual physical yesterday . Good news : blood pressure is low . ( I was on high blood pressure medication . ) So . . . of the four prescriptions I 'm taking , two have been discontinued . Bad news : Osteoporosis . Now I have a new pill to take once a week . I asked about the one Sally Field advertises ( afterall she was the flying nun ) but insurance doesn 't pay for that one . It figures . Then came the blood test : I hate that part worse than all the other poking and prodding . I have small veins that roll . . . a lab technician 's worst nightmare . Yesterday was no exception . Four puncture wounds and black and blue lumps on both arms later , he was finally able to extract the two vials he needed . Peeing in the cup was easy . . . all that damn water I 'm drinking I guess . ( label under TMI ? ) Anyway , the point is : last night I was not up to par . . . certainly not ill enough to skip anything , but in a rotten mood from sore arms , a two - hour wait at the doctor 's office , a lost day , and nothing to show for it but a new prescription . And I was angry . No reason . . . just angry . I went to bed as soon as Compline was over and slept it off . Today seems so different . I think about my unexplainable grouchiness and how it affected my relationship with the other sisters . I snapped atPosted by I 've just come from one of those rare evenings that comes around every once in a while , where the artistry of a performer sweeps you away along with the time . There are a zillion constellations of rising stars in New York City , just like there are a zillion excellent restaurants . So many artists , so little time . Yet when you make time for this woman , you won 't be disappointed . As I write this , I 'm listening to her latest CD Closer to You , trying to prolong the experience . Her melodies are haunting as is her voice . Her name is Ashley Davis and she sings from her soul with skill and passion . . . songs of longing , lost love , imaginary love . . . with a touch of Irish bitterness and humor . It was magic . Thank you . ( For more information about Ashley , her website is here . ) I must be on a roll for remembering what was so special about yesterday . . . ( a day late and a dollar short , my mother used to say , whenever her card said " belated wishes " ) . She was one for punctuality at any cost . I ran that number on myself and others for a time . . . not now . Yesterday was my oldest grandson 's fourteenth birthday . According to my daughter - in - law he spent his day having his appendix out . Bummer ! Well , dear Drew . . . this one 's for YOU ! Happy Birthday . ( I was going to post it earlier but Blogger is punishing me for not switching to the new and improved . . . ) Mark I : 16 - 28The word immediately crops up a lot in the New Testament . Today 's lesson is no exception . Jesus calls Simon and Andrew to be fishers of men and immediately they drop their nets . He immediately calls James and John , and they leave with him too . None of this " Let 's think it over for a minute . Do you mind if I park my boat ? " Jesus calls . They go . im · me · di · ate · ly [ i - mee - dee - it - lee ] - adverbdefinitions : without lapse of time ; without delay ; instantly ; at once , with no object or space intervening . with no object or space intervening There 's always space intervening in our physical world . cience has discovered that the space far exceeds the physical mass of any objects ricocheting off each other at the subatomic level , that the space between planets and galaxies is far greater than we ever imagined by simply looking at the night sky . et , as all things are timeless for God , all things must be immediate . o answer a call immediately means no time for discernment , no time to put your affairs in order . How impulsive ! " we say , of anyone today who would be so irresponsible , ( or as in James and John 's case ) that uncaring of their father 's business interests . et this was Jesus calling , God 's son . f course they went at once , without delay , instantly . We don 't do that so much now . e discourage impulsive action , are suspect of ideas not carefully thought out . here 's the prospectus ? 'd like to see your business plan . h no plan , other than I need to overturn the existing power structure . expect to be in business for about three years and then be lynched by the authorities and go out in disgrace . . . Right . e 're with you . es sirree . ets get on this immediately . Yesterday would have been my fortieth wedding anniversary . If I had stayed married to my first husband . I read today that marriage and raising children are two of the most difficult jobs we can attempt . It strikes me odd that , if that is true , we expect those jobs to be accomplished with no training . We were both twenty - one and in the Navy . We were both young , lonely , insecure , and finding each other was something of a miracle in itself . I didn 't really love my husband that much when I agreed to marry him , which says a lot for why arranged marriages can work . I grew to love him , simply by being married to him . I was fat then . He told me " all the men in my family marry fat women with glasses . " It wasn 't true , of course , but he said it to be kind . Our first year together I lost over twenty - five pounds . . . melted off , because I was happy . . . and because I couldn 't cook . I remember an early meal : I served him a pork chop for dinner . He looked confused . " Where 's the platter ? " " What platter ? There are two of us . . . so there 's one for you , one for me . " His mother had raised three hungry boys , so there was always a platter , sometimes leftovers . It was just my mom and me , so there was never a platter , never leftovers . Little things like that I remember now with a smile . . . the clash of upbringings and cultural conditioning , as we two tried with all our might to become one . It 's true for the convent as well . We come from many walks of life , with many preconceived ideas about what monastic means . We clash over little things and argue our points . We compromise and accommodate . We have a rule to guard us , Christ to guide us , and God to help us , and still . . . the same dynamics we were exposed to in early childhood play themselves out . Yet in the convent there is a time of training , a period of discernment and evaluation . What is working ? Not working ? Where are the growing edges ? I asked a priest for a miracle to save my first marriage . ( I certainly had done my share of the bungling , and had no resources left . ) The priest told me " God Posted by Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John . But John tried to deter him , saying , " I need to be baptized by you , and do you come to me ? " Jesus replied , " Let it be so now ; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness . " Then John consented . As soon as Jesus was baptized , he went up out of the water . At that moment heaven was opened , and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him . And a voice from heaven said , " This is my Son , whom I love ; with him I am well pleased . " - Matthew 3 : 13 - 17In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan . And when he came up out of the water , immediately he saw the heavens opening and the Spirit descending on him like a dove . And a voice came from heaven , " You are my beloved Son ; with you I am well pleased . " - Mark 1 : 9 - 11 After all the people were baptized , Jesus was baptized . As he was praying , the sky opened up and the Holy Spirit , like a dove descending , came down on him . And along with the Spirit , a voice : " You are my Son , chosen and marked by my love , pride of my life . " - Luke 3 : 21 - 22This is an odd year liturgically . Yesterday the wise men came , today Jesus is being baptized . It would make sense if his were an infant baptism , like many are today , but no . . . he was thirty some years old at the time . We 've jumped as they used to say in Quantum Leap , that old TV show starring Scott Bakula . All three evangelists agree that this baptism was not one of John 's run - of - the - mill baptisms . Matthew says John didn 't even want to baptize Jesus , but Jesus pressed him . Then it all broke loose . A dove , or something like a dove , and a voice . . . My son . Acknowledgement for the man born so long ago under mysterious and unusual circumstances . I am well pleased . Affection , appreciation , pride . . . in who this man is and who he will become . To hear a voice from God can change you forever . Sometimes this voice speaks once , and you must run on empty for a long time with only that remembrance . Bad things happPosted by The Wise Men have arrived , although the term " wise " is suspect , dontcha think ? . . . considering they had no clue Herod was the bad guy and that the consequence of their actions would be the death of countless babies ? Matthew seems to be the only evangelist who documents this slaughter , though , and many Biblical scholars don 't think it really happened . I hope for Herod 's sake they 're right . Killing innocent babies is not something I 'd want on my slate come judgment day . To my knowledge I have never killed anyone , ( I used to confess that it was the only commandment I hadn 't broken . ) But how do I know that ? How do I know that some inaction ( or rude action ) of mine caused a chain of events leading to someone 's death ? How do I know that money I donated to a worthy cause was diverted to something less worthy ? How do I know how any of my actions affect the interrelated web of life on this planet ? I don 't . I do the best I can with the information I have to work with . In this , the information age , we can google facts , opinions , and the latest scientific discoveries by typing in a few key words . But googling does not necessarily equate to accurate information . We also live in an age of instant misinformation and that is just as dangerous a the swords in Herod 's soldiers ' hands . Johnny Depp spoke that line in the first Pirates of the Caribbean and it prompted great belly laughs when we watched the movie together my first year in community . Much of our rule and customary had been set aside while we experimented with a circular model of leadership , and every time something new came up that conflicted with something previously cast in concrete , our novice guardian would resort to the expression . That 's exactly how I 'm viewing my New Years Resolutions this year . I did make a few . Some are good for me . . . things like " drink more water " . But I realized that drink more water is too vague . So drink more water translates to : for every cup of coffee consumed I must drink half a liter of water . That 's doable . ( Where did that stupid word come from ? ) I 'm on my third cup of coffee , so that means I must drink another bottle of water . I 've made a good start but it doesn 't mean I 'll remember to do it every time . The point is to drink more water , so the cup of coffee = bottle of water is more like a guideline . Resolutions that are too idealistic or impractical or done out of guilt just don 't have much staying power . One of my resolutions is to cross off everything on last year 's to do list . I 'm definitely making headway there . . . mostly because I have an added stipulation that I can 't start any new project until I complete at least three that are unfinished . Today I made two doctor 's appointments and sewed a button on my winter jacket . That counts as three , dontcha think ? Our celebrant this morning explained that he 'd been away for the weekend visiting friends , one of whom was preaching last Sunday on the text from John . Apparently she had asked for feedback / reflections to help her develop her sermon . He had given her some thoughts which she didn 't use , so we got to hear them this morning . That struck me as both funny and profound . ( His words were worth hearing , by the way . ) But it is our human need to express our thoughts , to be heard that hit me . He had some thoughts . He wanted them heard . My own thoughts are all tied up with what he said , which is essentially that God 's Word has to be dealt with . Whether we embrace it , ignore it , discount it , or despise it , we are in relationship with that Word every moment of our lives . He went on to expound on the very idea of our relationships . . . both with God and with each other . What words ( language ) do we use to create those relationships ? I think of my own words and my own relationships . How many times do I say things thoughtlessly that inadvertently hurt someone else ? ( More often than I care to admit to , I think . ) It also made me think of the words the anonymous choose when they wish to be heard . What is the real need behind the abusive language ? What relationship are they desperate for ? Perhaps being made in God 's image has a new dimension I 've not considered . . . that need for relationship , that need to be dealt with , to be heard . Every time I go to post , Blogger wants me to upgrade . Frankly , I 'm chicken . I know that eventually I 'll have no choice ; they are trying to phase out the old system , but I 'm in no hurry . I tried it out with the artwork blog and the whole process just seems clunkier . Google log - in , another password to forget . . . some days I can barely remember what day it is , never mind another password . I 'm not suspicious by nature . ( Just ask the guy I dated for almost two years before I found out he was married . ) But I am suspicious of upgrades since the last OSX security enhancement blew out my email access . These days I 'd rather leave well - enough alone . What 's that about ? I once was willing to try anything new . " I 'll try anything once " actually became my motto in my forties , after my second divorce . I was so unsure of who I was , what I believed , what foods I liked , my favorite color . . . I had to start over pretty much from scratch . Some of that exploration was fun , but it was also a lot of work . Rebuilding any life is a lot of work . I 'm sixty . I don 't have that kind of energy now . So available energy becomes one of my discernment factors . What environments drain me ? Where do I feel energized ? Where can I rest ? Not bad questions , I think . Potential is procrastinated potency . ( That 's today 's attempt at profound alliteration ) Seriously . . . I 've been thinking about my New Years resolutions and my Old Years diversionary tactics . . . how I managed to make a good start at a few things and then they just fizzled out . Or I fizzled out . ( Some things needed to fizzle , I 'm not talking about those . ) I 'm talking about the intangible commitments that were the underlying reasons for the tangible to - do 's : for example . . . I 've had make doctor 's appointment on my to do list for four months . It is ( was ) time for my check up . I feel fine . ( most of the time ) I take my four different medicines every day ( most of the time ) and I don 't really expect bad news when I go see her . So why haven 't I made that appointment ? It has to be something other than laziness . I spend much of my day unconscious . I like it that way . What 's that about ? On so many occasions I have mourned the waste of potential . . . the potential of a good relationship , a better job , my own potential for deeper thought ( or even scarier : deeper commitment to action . ) Today 's On a Journey meditation talked about personal potency being one of the things Jesus came to show us . . . to teach us . We are not as helpless as we like to think . For me it comes down to procrastination . For whatever reason . . . I procrastinate , I delay not only what needs to be done , but what I want to do . What 's that about ? You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake . ~ Jeannette RankinThey are not all saints who use holy water . ~ English ProverbWe teach children how to measure , how to weigh . We fail to teach them how to revere , how to sense wonder and awe . ~ Rabbi Abraham HeschelThe Gospel of Jesus is not a victory dance for well - to - do Americans who want it all , including eternal life . ~ Tom EhrichGod is nothing like us , but we are God 's creatures , and the divine fingerprints are all over our experience . ~ Barbara CraftonReligion is a journey into the mystery of God . It is not a system of beliefs and creeds and when it becomes that , it always becomes idolatrous and begins to die . ~ John Shelby SpongAmerica can be great again , not by asserting military might , but by standing for something more than big cars , big houses , big - screen TVs and big walls along the Rio Grande . ~ Tom Ehrich
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There 's a real dark side to being flavor of the month . ( I 've experienced it more than once . ) Look at how God treats His " chosen people " in the Old Testament . One minute they 're chosen , the next a rebellious and stiff - necked generation . You can 't ever believe your own press . Good to keep in mind . It always surprises me when certain things I post invoke the ire of so many readers , especially the anonymous ones . Yesterday 's passive aggressive rant on things that bug me about co - existing in community , seems to have been one of those posts . The gist of my critical comments ranged from blaming the exposé on my now well - established addiction to alcohol ( see earlier post where I wondered about the possibility here ) to the fact that nothing changes . . . ( as in : I was always a b * tch before so I 'll always be one in the future . ) Give me a break . Anyone who thinks that living with nuns is somehow different than living with other human beings , needs to wake up and smell the day - old coffee grounds . Yes . . . we pray a lot ; yes , we have a commitment to God ; yes , we love each other and forgive each other for all kinds of things you 'd get fired for in the secular world . But that doesn 't mean we don 't drive each other nuts from time to time . Can you spell H - U - M - A - N ? With all the warts ? Some apparently can 't when it comes to religious . There 's an unhealthy need for ( me in particular ) to conform to some preconceived perception of what a religious should and should not be , say or do . What 's that about ? They conveniently forget that , in addition to seeing my sisters through very human eyes , I also look in the mirror . I am not , nor will I ever be perfect . ( I 'm not even sure I 'd ever even want to be , for that matter . ) Perfection is way overrated , and it 's too subjective . Your idea of perfect could be my idea of hell . Given the comments . . . probably is . Every now and then my paranoia gets the best of my compassion . . . and I go straight to " she did that on purpose ! " Seven times out of ten I am wrong . She did not do it on purpose ( at least not consciously ) . She forgot . Or she didn 't even notice , or even think it was something that was hers to do . The she in these cases could apply to any one of my sisters at any given time , but more often than not , it comes down to just one or two . . . whose ways of being in the world are so alien to mine I get bent out of shape . For instance : if I walk into my bathroom and hear the shower running next door , I don 't flush my toilet . I don 't get into my shower and turn the water on . Our pipes are ancient and the pressure is awful . Yet I can be showering away myself and suddenly be without water . What 's with that ? Another example : Dishes get put away in certain places in our cupboards . One sister gets so upset when they are put in the wrong place or in the wrong order she slings them around and the bowls get chipped . I feel like slinging them myself , when I keep finding the large baking sheets on top of the small ones . They nest . Beautifully . Yet someone is either too lazy to bother to nest them or doesn 't think it matters . Then there 's the sister who does everything at a snail 's pace , and others are continually waiting for her . Waiting for her to finish eating , to finish getting dressed , to finish going to the bathroom . She takes her time no matter how many people are inconvenienced , seemingly oblivious to the resentment swirling around her . But wait , there 's more . . . one sister volunteers for everything and then only does half of what she volunteers for . Another sister never volunteers for anything and feels put upon when someone suggests maybe she could help with the workload . And then there are the passive aggressive behaviors that are too vague and discreet to point a finger at , yet irritate and annoy . Leaving your trash for someone else to clean up . . . making the coffee but not emptying the grounds , leaving one spoonful of food in the Posted by Revised Common Lectionary for the Fourth Sunday of Epiphany : Jeremiah 1 : 4 - 10I Corinthians 13 : 1 - 13Luke 4 : 21 - 30Jeremiah may have been a bullfrog in some circles , but he sure didn 't want to be a prophet . " . . . I am only a boy . " But God sounds a little irritable when He says , " Do not say ' I am only a boy ' ; for you shall go to all to whom I send you ; and you shall speak whatever I command you . " So much for free will . In Corinthians we hear the familiar verses : . . . Love is patient ; love is kind ; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude . It does not insist on its own way ; it is not irritable or resentful ; . . . And finally , from Luke , Jesus reminding the congregation in Nazareth that no prophet is accepted by those who knew him when . . . and that being a Jew will get them no special treatment from God . That last little bit of truth riled them up so badly they tried to throw him off a cliff . So the Gospel message points back to the Old Testament reading . . . nobody ( unless they have a death wish ) wants to be a prophet . It 's a dangerous job . Speaking God 's truth will get you killed . Our celebrant this morning explored some of the reasons why people don 't want to hear the truth , especially from somebody they thought was one of them . How come this guy knows something I don 't ? Who died and made him king ? I remember him when he couldn 't blow his own nose . . . yadda yadda yadda . Do we feel insulted ? Or inconvenienced ? Will accepting the truth mean we 've somehow fallen short ? And if so , who are you to tell me I 've fallen short anyway ? Truth and human nature . . . like oil and water , they need to be shaken really hard to emulisfy , and even then the particles immediately start to separate . Is it because honesty is in fact brutal ? Is it because honesty hurts so much that the only reaction is violence ? In Corinthians , the pretty words ( reserved mostly for wedding ceremonies ) mask an even harder truth . . . love is the only thing that matters . Without the attributes of love : patience , endurance , humility , kindness , cheerful acceptance . . . anytPosted by dis · com · bob · u · late [ dis - kuhm - bob - yuh - leyt ] - verb ( used with object ) , - lat · ed , - lat · ing . to confuse or disconcert ; upset ; frustrateIt 's been a week of discombobulation . I like the way that word sounds , probably because I don 't really pronounce it right . I say " bob - uh - late " instead of bob - yuh - leyt . . . it should be the name for some effervescent drink . I 'll have a bobulate with a twist of lime , please . When I 'm discombobulated everything goes flat . Everything . We have two sisters away traveling , one has been gone for a week . Another two were attending a workshop downtown for two days . Another sister collapsed during mass on Wednesday and was sent to the hospital , which meant another sister was gone with her the whole day . We don 't have that many able - bodied sisters left when circumstances start picking us off . So we do the best we can and the rest falls through the cracks . Oh . . . and our clothes dryer quit heating on laundry day , and nothing would get dry . Weeks where everything seems to go wrong , or the little details all mush together and the safety net falls apart , are overwhelming . I 'm flattened out . Cardboard . I 'm not doing much on my to - do list that requires any kind of deep thought . I 'm addressing envelopes . I 'm writing a whiney blog , not some profound treatise on the Gospel . ( Not that my thoughts are all that profound . . . I realize that . ) But I can 't do much else . I 'll catch you later . Luke 4 : 14 - 21Our celebrant on Sunday shed new light on that old adage " You can never go home again " as the Gospel from Luke points out so well . Jesus has finished his time of testing in the desert and he 's full of the Spirit ( and probably himself ) and has come back to Galilee . Everything is going just fine until he shows up in his own home town , Nazareth . He goes to church , stands up to read , and reads from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah . According to Luke ( 4 : 18 - 19 ) he reads : The Spirit of the Lord is upon me , because he has annointed me to bring good news to the poor , He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives , and recovery of sight to the blind , to let the oppressed go free , to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor . And then he sits back down . If you haven 't cross - referenced that with the actual passage from Isaiah , you 're probably thinking . . . okay , so ? But listen to this : ( Isaiah 61 : 1 - 2 ) The spirit of the Lord God is upon me , because the Lord has annointed me ; he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed , to bind up the brokenhearted , to proclaim liberty to the captives , and release to the prisoners ; to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor , and the day of vengeance of our God . . . He didn 't read it right . The part about vengeance he omits completely , and he adds something actually from Isaiah 42 . . . the part about opening the eyes of the blind . The actual passage is : Isaiah 42 : 7 to open the eyes that are blind , to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon , from the prison those who sit in darkness . These were assigned readings . People had heard them over and over and would have noticed the difference . No wonder all eyes of the entire assembly were fixed on him . He didn 't get to pick and choose what he wanted , yet he did it anyway . He rearranged the verses , and in so doing , reinterpreted the Torah . I always thought they were just insulted because he implied that he was the fulfillment of Isaiah 's prophesy , but it was much more serious than that . I get angry when soapbox preachers take the words of ScrPosted by Sometimes I worry about being an alcoholic . My mother was , her sister and husband both were , apparently my dad drank heavily before he left my mom . . . I have the genes and the environmental history . And I like to drink . I like the " buzz " I get from a couple of glasses of wine . I 'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol ; anything over two and I 'm tipsy . The urban dictionary defines tipsy as : The state when you are drinking alchohol in which you are past light headedness but before being drunk . or . . . Tipsy is when you 're buzzin from alcohol , but you 're not hammered yet . That 's good . . . not being hammered is a good thing . I equate tipsy with lightheadedness , in all its manifestations . . . physical effects : the easy , dizzy , sort of walking - on - air feeling , where I 'm aware of everything around me but in a pleasant hazy way . Psychological effects : an increased ability to do those things I normally find difficult . ( ie : I had wine once before a bell choir practice and played better than I ever had . I was so relaxed that I was not intimidated by the music , and my inhibitions made way for whatever natural talent I had . ) It 's easier for me to talk to strangers at parties , easier to sing in front of a group . My mother used to point to people with red noses , and say " That man 's a boozer . " I asked her how she knew , and she said it had something to do with the capillaries bursting in your nose when you drank a lot . It 's ironic that she drank ( a lot ) but never exhibited the red - nose syndrome . I have a red nose . When I get teary - eyed , when I 'm angry , my nose turns red . I look in the mirror on a morning after I 've had wine and sure enough , my nose is red . ( I also have a red nose on a morning after I 've drunk diet coke , so I 'm not sure it 's conclusive evidence . ) Am I an alcoholic ? Do I drink every day ? No . Do I need to drink ? No . Do I want to drink when it 's been a stressful day ? Yes . Do I want to drink when I 'm out with friends ? Often . So where is the line and how will I know if I 'm in danger of crossing it ? Do I want to give up drinkingPosted by People in Texas and parts of the mid - west , not accustomed to way - below - freezing temperatures and ice storms , could probably look out their windows and say " what global warming ? ! ? " But most of us realize that just one of the side effects predicted will be a shift in the climatic zones . Areas that used to have mild winters and rarely saw snow will experience severe freezes , while places dependent upon snow will get rain . ( That 's been us in New York . It 's freezing now , but today is only our second cold day all winter . Whether you currently believe in global warming or not , this week scientists have moved the " doomsday clock " forward by two minutes , not because of nuclear threat , but due to the risk / consequences of global warming . That 's a pretty major step forward in our consciousness . There 's an interesting blog called The Conscious Earth you might want to visit here for more information . Last Pentecost we had our annual party in the city . A professional photographer ( a friend of a friend ) was in attendance ( see new pic of me in the sidebar ) and he captured many of us enjoying each other 's spirit - filled company , often with gales of laughter . His name is Mark Stephen Kornbluth and you can view a substantial portfolio of his work here . I especially love his black and white photography , but that may be because I was once a photographer myself , as were both of my ex - husbands . ( Please file that under equal - opportunity blogging . . . nobody gets left behind . ) Seriously , or maybe not so seriously , laughter is good medicine . The Maryland School of Medicine researchers recently showed that laughter is linked to healthy function of blood vessels . ( Translate : good for your heart . ) Groucho Marx said : A clown is like an aspirin , only he works twice as fast . This pain management effect has also been proven by case studies , as have the physiological effects of laughter in the immune system . Laughter causes an increase in the number and activity of T cells and natural killer cells , the cells that fight foreign cells and cancer cells ; increase in gamma interferon , a blood chemical that stimulates the immune system ; a rise in immunoglobulin A , an antibody that fights upper respiratory tract infections , and more immunoglobulins G and M , which help fight other infections . Immunoglobulins or hobgoblins , I don 't really care which . . . I just need to keep laughing . At everything . Especially at those things some people think should be exempt from laughter : tradegy , religion , bodily functions . . . to name a few . On the eve of the feast day ( and national holiday ) of The Rev . Martin Luther King , Jr . I think it 's appropriate to take a look at how we despise the radical thinkers of our time until their thinking has made an impact for change . Then we celebrate them , enshrine them , have holidays in their honor . I lived in the South as a child until I was six years old . I remember riding through " colored town " with my grandmother , on Sunday mornings , looking out the window at the black people getting into their Cadillacs as they were leaving for church . Grammie would shake her head in disapproval . " They always have nice cars , " she told me , " but they live in shacks . " I was more interested in their lovely outfits . It seemed to me ( at five ) that they had their priorities pretty straight if they dressed up so nice for God . I remember once being thirsty when we were downtown , and seeing a water fountain , wandered over for a drink . I couldn 't reach the faucet , so an elderly black man kindly lifted me up . He had just placed me gently on the sidewalk when my grandmother snatched my hand and dragged me away . " Don 't ever drink from a colored water fountain ! What were you thinking ! " I was thinking I was thirsty and there was water . . . what 's a colored water fountain ? Children aren 't born racists , they are made that way . Americans once said we stood for : Truth , Justice and the American Way . Am I so naive to be the only one not to get that the concept only existed on the after - school episodes of Superman ? Perhaps . Yet it existed in the heart of Martin Luther King , Jr . He spoke radically for his race , for his ordinary human rights , for justice and change . Like Jesus , he was killed for his message of warning and his insistence on change . And , like Jesus , we 've given him a national holiday to say thank you very much . Don 't ask for anything else . You got your integrated water fountains , now shut up , and please go away . Yet the Epiphany season is upon us . We 've put away the creche , packed up the ornaments , thrown out the tree , swept up the lingeringPosted by I have two ex - husbands . If and when I post about one and not the other , old rivalry issues seem to spring up . On a good day , that 's amusing . On a bad day , it 's annoying . ( I am annoyed . ) I think there 's an anger virus circulating , and the vaccine for it hasn 't even been thought of , never mind invented . My second ex - husband is angry because I wrote about my first ex - husband 's non - wedding anniversary and not about his , which , for the record , would have been thirty years on December 11th . If I had stayed married to him . My daughter - in - law has been angry ( very angry ) with apparently good reasons for the past few days . She used four - letter words to vent her frustrations . She has also been sick . . . and illness , more than any other adversity , can bring me down to scum level . I had the dreaded annual physical yesterday . Good news : blood pressure is low . ( I was on high blood pressure medication . ) So . . . of the four prescriptions I 'm taking , two have been discontinued . Bad news : Osteoporosis . Now I have a new pill to take once a week . I asked about the one Sally Field advertises ( afterall she was the flying nun ) but insurance doesn 't pay for that one . It figures . Then came the blood test : I hate that part worse than all the other poking and prodding . I have small veins that roll . . . a lab technician 's worst nightmare . Yesterday was no exception . Four puncture wounds and black and blue lumps on both arms later , he was finally able to extract the two vials he needed . Peeing in the cup was easy . . . all that damn water I 'm drinking I guess . ( label under TMI ? ) Anyway , the point is : last night I was not up to par . . . certainly not ill enough to skip anything , but in a rotten mood from sore arms , a two - hour wait at the doctor 's office , a lost day , and nothing to show for it but a new prescription . And I was angry . No reason . . . just angry . I went to bed as soon as Compline was over and slept it off . Today seems so different . I think about my unexplainable grouchiness and how it affected my relationship with the other sisters . I snapped atPosted by I 've just come from one of those rare evenings that comes around every once in a while , where the artistry of a performer sweeps you away along with the time . There are a zillion constellations of rising stars in New York City , just like there are a zillion excellent restaurants . So many artists , so little time . Yet when you make time for this woman , you won 't be disappointed . As I write this , I 'm listening to her latest CD Closer to You , trying to prolong the experience . Her melodies are haunting as is her voice . Her name is Ashley Davis and she sings from her soul with skill and passion . . . songs of longing , lost love , imaginary love . . . with a touch of Irish bitterness and humor . It was magic . Thank you . ( For more information about Ashley , her website is here . ) I must be on a roll for remembering what was so special about yesterday . . . ( a day late and a dollar short , my mother used to say , whenever her card said " belated wishes " ) . She was one for punctuality at any cost . I ran that number on myself and others for a time . . . not now . Yesterday was my oldest grandson 's fourteenth birthday . According to my daughter - in - law he spent his day having his appendix out . Bummer ! Well , dear Drew . . . this one 's for YOU ! Happy Birthday . ( I was going to post it earlier but Blogger is punishing me for not switching to the new and improved . . . ) Mark I : 16 - 28The word immediately crops up a lot in the New Testament . Today 's lesson is no exception . Jesus calls Simon and Andrew to be fishers of men and immediately they drop their nets . He immediately calls James and John , and they leave with him too . None of this " Let 's think it over for a minute . Do you mind if I park my boat ? " Jesus calls . They go . im · me · di · ate · ly [ i - mee - dee - it - lee ] - adverbdefinitions : without lapse of time ; without delay ; instantly ; at once , with no object or space intervening . with no object or space intervening There 's always space intervening in our physical world . cience has discovered that the space far exceeds the physical mass of any objects ricocheting off each other at the subatomic level , that the space between planets and galaxies is far greater than we ever imagined by simply looking at the night sky . et , as all things are timeless for God , all things must be immediate . o answer a call immediately means no time for discernment , no time to put your affairs in order . How impulsive ! " we say , of anyone today who would be so irresponsible , ( or as in James and John 's case ) that uncaring of their father 's business interests . et this was Jesus calling , God 's son . f course they went at once , without delay , instantly . We don 't do that so much now . e discourage impulsive action , are suspect of ideas not carefully thought out . here 's the prospectus ? 'd like to see your business plan . h no plan , other than I need to overturn the existing power structure . expect to be in business for about three years and then be lynched by the authorities and go out in disgrace . . . Right . e 're with you . es sirree . ets get on this immediately . Yesterday would have been my fortieth wedding anniversary . If I had stayed married to my first husband . I read today that marriage and raising children are two of the most difficult jobs we can attempt . It strikes me odd that , if that is true , we expect those jobs to be accomplished with no training . We were both twenty - one and in the Navy . We were both young , lonely , insecure , and finding each other was something of a miracle in itself . I didn 't really love my husband that much when I agreed to marry him , which says a lot for why arranged marriages can work . I grew to love him , simply by being married to him . I was fat then . He told me " all the men in my family marry fat women with glasses . " It wasn 't true , of course , but he said it to be kind . Our first year together I lost over twenty - five pounds . . . melted off , because I was happy . . . and because I couldn 't cook . I remember an early meal : I served him a pork chop for dinner . He looked confused . " Where 's the platter ? " " What platter ? There are two of us . . . so there 's one for you , one for me . " His mother had raised three hungry boys , so there was always a platter , sometimes leftovers . It was just my mom and me , so there was never a platter , never leftovers . Little things like that I remember now with a smile . . . the clash of upbringings and cultural conditioning , as we two tried with all our might to become one . It 's true for the convent as well . We come from many walks of life , with many preconceived ideas about what monastic means . We clash over little things and argue our points . We compromise and accommodate . We have a rule to guard us , Christ to guide us , and God to help us , and still . . . the same dynamics we were exposed to in early childhood play themselves out . Yet in the convent there is a time of training , a period of discernment and evaluation . What is working ? Not working ? Where are the growing edges ? I asked a priest for a miracle to save my first marriage . ( I certainly had done my share of the bungling , and had no resources left . ) The priest told me " God Posted by Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John . But John tried to deter him , saying , " I need to be baptized by you , and do you come to me ? " Jesus replied , " Let it be so now ; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness . " Then John consented . As soon as Jesus was baptized , he went up out of the water . At that moment heaven was opened , and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him . And a voice from heaven said , " This is my Son , whom I love ; with him I am well pleased . " - Matthew 3 : 13 - 17In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan . And when he came up out of the water , immediately he saw the heavens opening and the Spirit descending on him like a dove . And a voice came from heaven , " You are my beloved Son ; with you I am well pleased . " - Mark 1 : 9 - 11 After all the people were baptized , Jesus was baptized . As he was praying , the sky opened up and the Holy Spirit , like a dove descending , came down on him . And along with the Spirit , a voice : " You are my Son , chosen and marked by my love , pride of my life . " - Luke 3 : 21 - 22This is an odd year liturgically . Yesterday the wise men came , today Jesus is being baptized . It would make sense if his were an infant baptism , like many are today , but no . . . he was thirty some years old at the time . We 've jumped as they used to say in Quantum Leap , that old TV show starring Scott Bakula . All three evangelists agree that this baptism was not one of John 's run - of - the - mill baptisms . Matthew says John didn 't even want to baptize Jesus , but Jesus pressed him . Then it all broke loose . A dove , or something like a dove , and a voice . . . My son . Acknowledgement for the man born so long ago under mysterious and unusual circumstances . I am well pleased . Affection , appreciation , pride . . . in who this man is and who he will become . To hear a voice from God can change you forever . Sometimes this voice speaks once , and you must run on empty for a long time with only that remembrance . Bad things happPosted by The Wise Men have arrived , although the term " wise " is suspect , dontcha think ? . . . considering they had no clue Herod was the bad guy and that the consequence of their actions would be the death of countless babies ? Matthew seems to be the only evangelist who documents this slaughter , though , and many Biblical scholars don 't think it really happened . I hope for Herod 's sake they 're right . Killing innocent babies is not something I 'd want on my slate come judgment day . To my knowledge I have never killed anyone , ( I used to confess that it was the only commandment I hadn 't broken . ) But how do I know that ? How do I know that some inaction ( or rude action ) of mine caused a chain of events leading to someone 's death ? How do I know that money I donated to a worthy cause was diverted to something less worthy ? How do I know how any of my actions affect the interrelated web of life on this planet ? I don 't . I do the best I can with the information I have to work with . In this , the information age , we can google facts , opinions , and the latest scientific discoveries by typing in a few key words . But googling does not necessarily equate to accurate information . We also live in an age of instant misinformation and that is just as dangerous a the swords in Herod 's soldiers ' hands . Johnny Depp spoke that line in the first Pirates of the Caribbean and it prompted great belly laughs when we watched the movie together my first year in community . Much of our rule and customary had been set aside while we experimented with a circular model of leadership , and every time something new came up that conflicted with something previously cast in concrete , our novice guardian would resort to the expression . That 's exactly how I 'm viewing my New Years Resolutions this year . I did make a few . Some are good for me . . . things like " drink more water " . But I realized that drink more water is too vague . So drink more water translates to : for every cup of coffee consumed I must drink half a liter of water . That 's doable . ( Where did that stupid word come from ? ) I 'm on my third cup of coffee , so that means I must drink another bottle of water . I 've made a good start but it doesn 't mean I 'll remember to do it every time . The point is to drink more water , so the cup of coffee = bottle of water is more like a guideline . Resolutions that are too idealistic or impractical or done out of guilt just don 't have much staying power . One of my resolutions is to cross off everything on last year 's to do list . I 'm definitely making headway there . . . mostly because I have an added stipulation that I can 't start any new project until I complete at least three that are unfinished . Today I made two doctor 's appointments and sewed a button on my winter jacket . That counts as three , dontcha think ? Our celebrant this morning explained that he 'd been away for the weekend visiting friends , one of whom was preaching last Sunday on the text from John . Apparently she had asked for feedback / reflections to help her develop her sermon . He had given her some thoughts which she didn 't use , so we got to hear them this morning . That struck me as both funny and profound . ( His words were worth hearing , by the way . ) But it is our human need to express our thoughts , to be heard that hit me . He had some thoughts . He wanted them heard . My own thoughts are all tied up with what he said , which is essentially that God 's Word has to be dealt with . Whether we embrace it , ignore it , discount it , or despise it , we are in relationship with that Word every moment of our lives . He went on to expound on the very idea of our relationships . . . both with God and with each other . What words ( language ) do we use to create those relationships ? I think of my own words and my own relationships . How many times do I say things thoughtlessly that inadvertently hurt someone else ? ( More often than I care to admit to , I think . ) It also made me think of the words the anonymous choose when they wish to be heard . What is the real need behind the abusive language ? What relationship are they desperate for ? Perhaps being made in God 's image has a new dimension I 've not considered . . . that need for relationship , that need to be dealt with , to be heard . Every time I go to post , Blogger wants me to upgrade . Frankly , I 'm chicken . I know that eventually I 'll have no choice ; they are trying to phase out the old system , but I 'm in no hurry . I tried it out with the artwork blog and the whole process just seems clunkier . Google log - in , another password to forget . . . some days I can barely remember what day it is , never mind another password . I 'm not suspicious by nature . ( Just ask the guy I dated for almost two years before I found out he was married . ) But I am suspicious of upgrades since the last OSX security enhancement blew out my email access . These days I 'd rather leave well - enough alone . What 's that about ? I once was willing to try anything new . " I 'll try anything once " actually became my motto in my forties , after my second divorce . I was so unsure of who I was , what I believed , what foods I liked , my favorite color . . . I had to start over pretty much from scratch . Some of that exploration was fun , but it was also a lot of work . Rebuilding any life is a lot of work . I 'm sixty . I don 't have that kind of energy now . So available energy becomes one of my discernment factors . What environments drain me ? Where do I feel energized ? Where can I rest ? Not bad questions , I think . Potential is procrastinated potency . ( That 's today 's attempt at profound alliteration ) Seriously . . . I 've been thinking about my New Years resolutions and my Old Years diversionary tactics . . . how I managed to make a good start at a few things and then they just fizzled out . Or I fizzled out . ( Some things needed to fizzle , I 'm not talking about those . ) I 'm talking about the intangible commitments that were the underlying reasons for the tangible to - do 's : for example . . . I 've had make doctor 's appointment on my to do list for four months . It is ( was ) time for my check up . I feel fine . ( most of the time ) I take my four different medicines every day ( most of the time ) and I don 't really expect bad news when I go see her . So why haven 't I made that appointment ? It has to be something other than laziness . I spend much of my day unconscious . I like it that way . What 's that about ? On so many occasions I have mourned the waste of potential . . . the potential of a good relationship , a better job , my own potential for deeper thought ( or even scarier : deeper commitment to action . ) Today 's On a Journey meditation talked about personal potency being one of the things Jesus came to show us . . . to teach us . We are not as helpless as we like to think . For me it comes down to procrastination . For whatever reason . . . I procrastinate , I delay not only what needs to be done , but what I want to do . What 's that about ? You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake . ~ Jeannette RankinThey are not all saints who use holy water . ~ English ProverbWe teach children how to measure , how to weigh . We fail to teach them how to revere , how to sense wonder and awe . ~ Rabbi Abraham HeschelThe Gospel of Jesus is not a victory dance for well - to - do Americans who want it all , including eternal life . ~ Tom EhrichGod is nothing like us , but we are God 's creatures , and the divine fingerprints are all over our experience . ~ Barbara CraftonReligion is a journey into the mystery of God . It is not a system of beliefs and creeds and when it becomes that , it always becomes idolatrous and begins to die . ~ John Shelby SpongAmerica can be great again , not by asserting military might , but by standing for something more than big cars , big houses , big - screen TVs and big walls along the Rio Grande . ~ Tom Ehrich
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¡¡ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇI couldn 't resist this line above , borrowed from one of my many sources . How is your world today ? Mine is bitterly cold , and no heating at work either so feeling the cold a tad . Not helped by a bitter wind outside though thankfully it has stopped raining hard overnight . On a positive ? note , the Met men have forecast a mild winter . Now this made me think , as it was the same guys who forecasted such a blazing hot summer that it would be permanently bbq time and look what happened there . . a veritable washout with a few very hot days but nothing spectacular . With the Autumnal floods in areas of the UK having a major impact for those people who will not be able to return to their homes for months , it isn 't going to be a fun christmas for any of them , many of whom have lost almost everything and insurance can only do so much . So today 's challenge is to guess what the UK has in store for Winter , and we can all have a giggle at what people suggest , after all , we have had pretty much everything this year except a dust - storm : - ) A lonely widow , age 70 , decided that it was time to get married again . She put an ad in the local paper that read : HUSBAND WANTED : MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP ( 70 's ) , MUST NOT BEAT ME , MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ! ! ! ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON . On the second day , she heard the doorbell . Much to her dismay , she opened the door to see a grey - haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair . . He had no arms or legs . The old woman said , ' You 're not really asking me to consider you , are you ? Just look at you . . . you have no legs ! The old man smiled , ' Therefore , I cannot run around on you ! ' She snorted . ' You don 't have any arms either ! ' Again , the old man smiled , ' Therefore , I can never beat you ! ' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently , ' Are you still good in bed ? ? ? ' The old man leaned back , beamed a big smile and said . . . Rang the doorbell didn 't I ? Increasingly I have felt as though I am the title of this post , a square peg in a round hole . What used to be a challenging and exciting job is now terrifyingly dull . It isn 't helped by the changes orchestrated by the University , and the department , and while I have always been adaptable to change I am increasingly finding that there is no method of madness involved . I come in to work , I do my job and I go home . I attended a meeting yesterday , where I tried to put my point of view over saying how I perceived things to be , only to be asked that what had I done to try and remedy things . I outlined some of the conversations I had taken part in , and those people were there at the same meeting ; it was no surprise to encounter the total lack of support I have felt for over 18 months . The team meetings attend provide a chance for individuals to say what they have done , but the concept of team doesn 't exist only individuals and as for the departmental team building days , this year was cancelled due to lack of funding ( and enthusiasm ) , they were a waste of time , after the day nothing had changed , no opportunities to work closely with other groups offered and all that happened was that we had a day out of the office in the sunshine if we were lucky . When I left school at the grand old age of 16 I had no idea of what I wanted to do ( well I did but I kept changing my mind ) , I was given two choices , either go to college or get a job . My first job was at a factory making transformers , we had a set amount of work to achieve and in a set amount of hours and you were given a period of time before you had to start meeting your targets or face the wrath of the supervisor . I lasted three years , worn out at the age of 19 by the sheer ugliness of the job . Yes you could have a laugh with the other girls , but the machines were a little noisy , you could listen to the radio when it was permitted to be on but it was soul destroying there was no opportunity to advance in skills or expertise and right now I feel as though I felt when I was 19 whiPlanted by School is supposed to be the best days of your life , according to some wisdom often mentioned by adults when I was at school . Not for me , I lost track of the number of schools I have attended , some for 6 months at a time because of army postings and being relocated to Malaya and Germany as well as various places in the UK . Not that I would have changed those experiences for the world . Zeltus and I did have the option to go to boarding school , but he had experienced that whilst in Malaya and I don 't think enjoyed it very much , I was never one for the Mallory Towers books never mind the real thing . The last school was particularly trying for me , Mill Chase County Secondary School in Bordon . Coming from an Army background this was the first civilian school I had attended in a few years and it was completely different from any other one I had attended . The teachers were ineffective in dealing with classroom issues and most of the time I just tried to keep my head down and not be a highlight for the bullies . I lost track of how many things were mislaid by me ( taken from me ) and I couldn 't wait to escape as soon as possible . I enjoyed the learning process , just not the place in which those processes happened . When the move to the Back of Beyond was due I was asked if I wanted to stay on at school and that was the easy answer - frankly I would rather pull my teeth out with a pair of pliers . . lol . So never one for an easy option , I started work at the grand old age of 16 years and 5 months of age and still working now . The Open University was a god send to me , I could enjoy the experience and get a degree while still working and even though I have my degree now , I can always be persuaded to continue my learning development . I got a few comments on the learning Cornish post of yesterday , some positive some less so and each valid for their reasons . My main reason is because it is relatively cheap , keeps me occupied and since I am moving to Cornwall is in keeping with where I am living . If I moved to France , Italy or Germany I would do the same , try to integrate to be part of the community and the only difference is that Cornish like Welsh is a regional language and signs etc would be bilingual . Dickiebo quite rightfully pointed out that this is in many cases just a means of jobs for the boys which I agree with but I also believe that there are too many instances where English / British individuality is being erased by eurobureacracy and that we often give up things of value which we should hold onto ; whether Cornish fits better into this category remains to be seen but I hope it does and that it grows . So where is this post going ? Well Hadriana came back from London having visited the Language Fair ( how I wished I had known this was on ) and was saying about learning Latin . My old University ( can one say that about the Open University ? ) got some government money for putting up learning materials freely available to all , which I remembered included a basic Latin course and I posted the link to Hadriana the link is here if anyone else is interested , as well as Latin it has more modern languages , French , German and Spanish as well as other snippets of learning materials in History , Art , English etc and all of it absolutely free . So if you have every fancied having a look , learning a new skill or just browsing for free materials then please follow the link . If you know of any more links , please let me know . . . . . and on a sad note , exactly one calendar month today will be Christmas Day . . . sigh I decided to spend my time usefully in learning a smattering of Cornish , I might not be able to speak it but I hope by the time I get there that I will be able to write down some useful phrases and have some understanding . You can learn Cornish by distance learning , and following a couple of links I found myself at Kernewek Dre Lyther . They have a comprehensive list of materials , and you pay for a first level course , which includes an audio cassette and a tutor to mark your written work . I haven 't yet taken this step , I downloaded the materials included some MP3 files so I can play them when it is a quiet moment and study at my own pace without feeling like I am falling behind a schedule . So far I am still on dsykans onan or lesson 1 , the similarities between Cornish and Welsh ( Cornish is one of the family of Celtic languages , closely related to Welsh and Breton and slightly more distantly to Irish , Scots Gaelic and Manx so work that one out if you can ) are there but there are differences generally in the mutations of the word . According to records by the nineteenth century , Cornish had died as a spoken community language , although there are records of the language being spoken particularly at sea by Newlyn fishermen . During this century there was a resurgence of interest in celtic culture which meant that Cornish attracted some academic attention . The plays of the middle Cornish period were re - visited , and academics such as Edwin Norris and Whitley Stokes published them with commentaries and translations . It was not until early in the twentieth century , however , that an attempt was made to revive the language . In 1904 Henry Jenner published his Handbook of the Cornish language , based on the texts available to him at the British Museum . This kick started the revival of Cornish as a living , spoken language , and Jenner 's work was picked up and continued by Robert Morton Nance , who researched and gathered together more fragments of the language , finally developing a regularised spelling system based on the medieval textPlanted by Full of wind , gales , rain and generally crap . Nothing on the gogglebox to entertain though thankfully I now note that the non - singers in the X - factor aka Jedward have now left the competition . Quite frankly I literally popped in to see the sing - off and they were both sadly out of tune with the song ; how they have managed to get this far is beyond me . Perhaps now the nation can get on with wasting their money and time in voting for the winner now whoever that will be . I watched a couple of christmas movies on sky , and it is only November . . . I haven 't got the christmas festivities at all this year , it is a real struggle to think about it never mind do something about it . Otherwise I have been doing some studying , no surprise to Max therefore that this time my efforts have turned to Cornish . The similarity between this and Welsh is quite high as officially the original Cornish speakers have long since died out and this is the adopted form of the language which is derived from celtic forms . So far I am ploughing my way through Dyskans 1 ( lesson 1 ) , which is the equivalen of Janet and Yowann or John . I may not be able to speak it but I hope to be able to read and write it by the end of my studies . A woman awakes during the night , and her husband isn 't in bed with her . She goes downstairs to look for him . She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him . He appears to be in deep thought , just staring at the wall . She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee . " What 's the matter , dear ? " she asks . " Why are you down here at this time of night ? " The husband looks up from his coffee , " Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating , and you were only 16 ? " he asks solemnly . " Yes , I do , " she replies . " Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love ? " " Yes , I remember , " says the wife , lowering herself into a chair beside him . The husband continues , " Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said , ' Either you marry my daughter , or I 'll send you to jail for 20 years ? ' " " I remember that , too , " she replies softly . He wipes another tear from his cheek and says , " I would have gotten out today . " Don 't worry this isn 't a plug for money , nor what events are on in the local area or even in the country and while I do support the charity that isn 't what this post is about . I was watching a programme on BBC3 The World 's Strictest Parents , this time from Lebanon with Iman and her husband and family taking in two british teenagers Debbie and Daniel . It started off in the usual way , showing the teenagers at their worst with their family , swearing , drinking etc and then the time they spent in Lebanon including time at a school . I started to really have some sympathy for Debbie , who uses make - up and the way she dresses to avoid bullying and this led also to some of the problems with her family and being able to apologise without feeling as though she has lost the argument . Even Daniel , as the week grew on , had a minor revelation in that doing something as simple as mending bikes ( it might be for him but to me it is a major skill ) for a children 's orphanage . Both of them benefitted from the experience , not just the change in culture but it allowed them to see for themselves the effect their behaviour had , not only on themselves but also on their families . So what do Children need , well for certain it isn 't carte blanche for bad behaviour none of us are angels , but they do need parents who care for them enough to set standards for them to adhere to and appropriate discipline when they go wrong . This won 't please the politically correct brigade who have empowered the children in this country with so many rights that it is hard to do anything but stand back and let them self - destruct . SOH when he worked as a prison officer , had to escort children as young as 10 to court , and not always for serious offences , though those happened as well . In this instance the child 's case was thrown out of court but it was only brought because the adult in charge of him saw fit to involve the police when normally a discipline should and could have been used . On the news today , there is an increase of over 900 % of children receiving asbo 's , inPlanted by What exactly is true friendship ? I think I know what it is , let me see : Being there for you no matter what you do or say , always providing moral if not physical support . The first to cheer you on and the last to give up on you . . that seems to be my view of it but tell me if I left anything out here . I know what it isn 't , having lost two so called friends along the road during 2008 . Not by my choice , theirs , they didn 't like what I was doing , nor who I was doing it with and decided that if I continued along my route it was going to be totally separate from theirs ; at the time it coincided with anniversaries that were difficult enough emotionally . At both these times I was meekly accepting , not fighting for what I percieved was lost . Now after 18 months I see that these friendships were not real , both of the people concerned were at best superficial friends though at the time I thought different . I am sad always at the loss of a friend , but I am no longer grieving for something that was not what I thought it was . Here 's to new friends , new activities and new beginnings . . . I can remember the first time I watched the Wicker Man and the eventual death of Sergeant Howie played admirably by Edward Woodward who himself died yesterday . The world has lost a great actor and personality and although his memories will live on in celluloid and our minds , there must be a great hole in his family 's life and that will be much harder for them to fill . Mr Woodward , was in films from 1955 right up until his last appearance in EastEnders , but my favourite of all times was the Wicker Man . Yes it was a horror , had witchcraft , death etc and had sexual scenes with Brit Ekland in it . I would think it was cutting edge of what was permitted in 1973 and to a teenage girl it was an eye - opener . I loved him as the Equaliser , and a part he played to perfection tough but fair and I hope that he knows how much people admired him . I laughed at his performance in Hot Fuzz with Simon Pegg , you couldn 't help laugh at this film , it was black comedy at its very best and I think drew a little on the Wicker Man film . RIP Edward Woodward , RIP I will admit to taking it easy over the weekend , instead of doing everything I only did enough that was necessary , so the washing had to wait , as did pressure washing the front drive . Neither did I go supermarket shopping , and tea on Saturday was sausages in a roll - no onion this time . What I did was , hoover , polish , clean . Gave the ratz a good spring clean , not that they appreciate it as they have shredded the paper already lol , replenished their food , water and treats and generally spending a bit of time with them playing . Gus is quite happy to come out of the cage and on my shoulder , even snuffling into my ear as though to say what 's in there then ? Barnie on the other hand is a little more retiring and is happy to come out onto my hand but any movement sends her scuttling back into her shelter . It 's black bin day this week , so I also spent yesterday filling it to the brim with unwanted items , all needing to be cleared out and not suitable for freecycling , I also made a list of things to be freecycled all of which are going on the list today . I made time to watch Twilight which premiered on Sky this weekend , and it is good fun , not really a romcom , nor a horror but an interesting take on the two and I can see why there is so much attention being played with the new follow up film . It is nice to see a film , which addresses the fantasy world with much better direction than has been done in the past in War of the Worlds , somehow I felt that film really lost it 's way - badly done . I also caught up with Doctor Who , Water of Mars , disappointed the first time in a long while I just wanted to get to the end and see where it was going next . . . We all know David is leaving , but this was dull and uninteresting from start to finish . A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around . If he stopped , she stopped . Furthermore she kept staring at him . She was infront of him whilst they were waiting in the checkout queue , and she turned to him and said , " I hope I haven 't made you feel ill at ease ; it 's just that you look so much like my late son . " He answered , " That 's okay . " " I know it 's silly , but if you 'd call out ' Good bye , Mum ' as I leave the store , it would make me feel so happy . " She then went through the checkout , and as she was on her way out of the store , the man waved his hand and called out , " Goodbye , Mum . " The little old lady waved and smiled back at him . Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone 's day , he went to pay for his groceries . " That comes to £ 121 . 85 , " said the clerk . " How come so much ? I only bought 5 items . " The clerk replied , " Yes , but your Mother said you 'd be paying for her things , too . " Today at 11am , and on Wednesday morning we will stand silently and think of the sacrifices that the men ( and women ) in the British armed forces , both today and in the past , have lost their lives so we may enjoy our freedom . In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses , row on row , That mark our place ; and in the sky The larks , still bravely singing , fly Scarce heard amid the guns below . We are the dead . Short days ago We lived , felt dawn , saw sunset glow , Loved , and were loved , and now we lie In Flanders fields . Take up our quarrel with the foe : To you from failing hands we throw The torch ; be yours to hold it high . If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep , though poppies grow In Flanders fields . - Liet . - Col . John McCrae 6th PlaceIt was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane : ' Would you like dinner ? ' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row . ' What are my choices ? ' the man asked . ' Yes or no , ' she replied . 5th PlaceA flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets . As a man approached , she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her . Without blinking an eyelid she said , ' Sir , I need to see your ticket not your stub . ' 4th PlaceA lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury 's but she couldn 't find one big enough for her family . She asked a passing assistant , ' Do these turkeys get any bigger ? ' The assistant replied , ' I 'm afraid not , they 're dead . ' 3rd PlaceThe policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding . ' I 've been waiting for you all day , ' the bobby said . The kid replied , ' Yes , well I got here as fast as I could . ' When the policeman finally stopped laughing , he sent the kid on his way without a ticket . 2nd PlaceA lorry driver was driving along on a country road . A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead . ' Before he realised it , the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it . Cars are backed up for miles . Finally , a police car comes up . The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry 's cabAnd said to the driver , ' Got stuck , eh ? ' The lorry driver said , ' No , I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol ! ' ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow 's final exam . ' Now listen to me , I won 't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow . I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury , illness , or a death in your immediate family , but that 's it , no other excuses whatsoever ! ' A smart - arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked , ' What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion ? ' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering . When silence was restored , the tPlanted by I don 't mention much in the way of personal details on here , or at least I hope I don 't mention too much . This weekend is Remembrance Sunday , a time to pay our respects to those who have served and those who are still serving in Her Majesty 's Armed Forces . My toll is : My Great Uncle C , who lost his life during the first World War . At this moment in time I have no more detail than that as I haven 't yet managed to track him down successfully and due to the family disposing of records we don 't have any details of even which regiment he served in . My Grandfather J , served in the Second World War along with my maternal Grandfather I ; both thankfully came home to their families afterwards though I got a mention in Dispatches for Gallant Action he would not talk about his experiences save to mention he drove a lorry . My Father E , who served in the Army for 24 years , served in Libya and had to be evacuated twice the second time was for good . My Mum also served with him her first posting abroad as an army wife and came back with Zeltus . and now it is the turn of my Nephew , also a J . He is doing his first deployment in Afghanistan , he has done two deployments previously to Iraq , and one to Bosnia . He isn 't one to talk about what he has seen or done but he grew up fast after his first trip to Iraq . I have to admit to listening with trepidation to the news from Afghanistan , hoping that he will escape unscathed , unwounded in mind and body . They will all be in my thoughts on Sunday while I listen to the last post . PC Tony Stamp is leaving the Bill tonight , the last of the regular original cast from the beginning poor Tone has been unlucky in love , the butt of some jokes and the instigator of others . Cheerful , larger than life , caring about his patch at Sun Hill is being moved on by the writers who feel he isn 't quite the right material for the darker episodes being written . Poor Tone is being moved to being an Advanced Driving Instructor at Hendon , the police college at least this leaves the way open to his return or guest starring episodes . I have to admit in not watching The Bill in recent years , feeling that somehow , rather like London 's Burning it had lost its way , too many times the station had been blown up , held hostage , burnt down and too many good characters such as June Ackland , Sgt Bob Cryer ; who could forget Jim Carver and my other favourite Reg Hollis which also was a sad dismissal . They say that actors form a family , and I guess today the audience is the final part of that family as we say goodbye to Tone . . . and Graham Cole who portrayed him since 1987 so he served 22 years . A fan site has been set up to appreciate the character the link is here . Thanks to the Hermit for his kind permission in recreating this here , I did ask first . The words mean a lot , as do all my visitors so this is for you guys . 1 . Maybe . . . We were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that , when we finally meet the right person , we will know how to be grateful for that gift . 2 . Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes , another opens ; but , often times , we look so long at the closed door that we don 't even see the new one which has been opened for us . 3 . Maybe . . it is true that we don 't know what we have until we lose it , but it is also true that we don 't know what we have been missing until it arrives . 4 . Maybe . . . the happiest of people don 't necessarily have the best of everything ; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way . 5 . Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past ; after all , you can 't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes , failures and heartaches . 6 . Maybe . . . You should dream what you want to dream ; go where you want to go , be what you want to be , because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of , and want to do . 7 . Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone - - a parent , a spouse , a friend , a child - - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real , so that once they are around you appreciate them more . 8 . Maybe . . . The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with , never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you 've ever had . 9 . Maybe . . You should always try to put yourself in others ' shoes . If you feel that something could hurt you , it probably will hurt the other person , too . 10 . Maybe . . You should do something nice for someone every single day , even if it is simply to leave them alone . Profound ! 11 . Maybe . . Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back . Don 't expect love in return ; justPlanted by Yesterday was the start of the project NaNoWriMo , the idea is just to write 50 , 000 words ( ideally making a work of fiction ) shorter than a novel , but longer than a story . I got the idea from Tom over at Random Acts of Reality and someone who I have admired for a long time with two novels to his name already , but I also know a couple of others and if that doesn 't tickle your fancy then In the Gutter is doing the NaNoBloMo which simply involves writing a blog post once a day for each day in November ; easier said than done as I know I did it last year . So a challenge is there , and I have decided to write . Why not , I have often said I have a book in me , and I used to write with a group of friends in an online RPG game , so now was my opportunity . The minimum suggested word level is 1 , 666 per day for 30 days straight ( though you can do more ) , and yesterday I reached 1715 without too much difficulty . NaNoWriMo do suggest that you don 't go back and edit something but just continue as normal even if you do spot a glaring error that might cause a problem later . My posts for the RPG group used to be in the region of 2 - 3000 but that was every couple of days , though I did do a solo excursion while I was recuperating for an operation and I think the total score on that was over 100 , 00 words but it was over 5 - 6 weeks . So I am optimistic , excited even and plot lines keep whirling through my head something that hasn 't happened in quite a while . . . If anyone wants to have a peek , you need to drop me an email to get access to the site as I don 't want to have it open wide for casual drop in 's you never know this might be the book of my dreams or just the dreams of my book .
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This blog is dedicated to my journey through recurrent miscarriage and infertility . I am 37 , happily married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart , now with two greatly loved sons - a 6 year old son ( PDD - NOS dx changed to Sensory / Motor delay in 9 / 08 ) conceived through Clomid / IUI and our newest addition , born 6 / 08 after a surprise pregnancy . I am currently a working mommy , but I long to be home to raise them 24 / 7 . We had been on an extended TTC break since March 2006 before getting pregnant on own own , after 1 failed Clomid cycle and 3 miscarriages ( 2 resulting from " successful " Clomid cycles ) . . . We have a diagnosis for our recurrent losses - Homozygous MTHFR and Hashimoto 's Thyroiditis . Started TTC # 1 - 1 / 2002Started IF workup - 11 / 2002HSG all clear - 6 / 2003Dx . Unexplained Infertility - 6 / 200350 mg Clomid / IUI : July 2003 - BFP with Chris on first medicated cycle , 8 / 2003 ! Christopher Kenneth born - 5 / 2004 ! Started TTC # 2 - 7 / 2005Cycle # 1 : 50 mg Clomid / Annovulatory - 7 / 2005Cycle # 2 : 100 mg Clomid / canceled IUI / BFP / Miscarriage # 2 - 9 / 2005Cycle # 3 : TTC Break after m / cCycle # 4 : 100 mg Clomid / canceled IUI / BFP / Miscarriage # 3 - 1 / 2006Cycle # 5 - # 13 : Extended TTC Break and on BCPs for first three cyclesCycle # 14 : Ovulated on my own ! But , a BFNCycle # 15 : Annovulatory ; Took Provera 21 days to bring on new cycleCycle # 16 : Started 8 / 23 / 07 : Surprise BFP on 9 / 30 / 07 ; Betas good ; u / s 's good ; PG progressing nicely . : ) Gabriel John born - 6 / 2008 ! ! ! A Heartbreaking Choice Coming to Term ( what a life - saving book ! ) Compassionate Friends Empty Cradles First Candle I Am the FaceI Spoke with My Child Hygeia Foundation March of Dimes M . E . N . D . Miscarriage Help Misdiagnosed Miscarriage Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day PregnancyLoss . info Prevent Pregnancy Loss SHARE SHARE - NJ Walk to Remember Shrine of Innocents , New York Sidelines Silent Grief Surviving Miscarriage The Labor of Love - Loss Forums A Little Pregnant Babyfruit Bittersweet Mama Expecting Father ( MTHFR gene mutation and pregnancy - A father 's perspective ) Fertility Musings Let 's Generate ( fellow ATA blogger ) How to Be a Good Friend to an Inferile Infertility 2 . 0 ( Blog is retired ) Infertility Blog The Infertile Informer Life Begins . . . Max 's Mommy No Matter How Small Pixie Serenity Now ! ( the closed blog ) Serenity Now ! Sticky Bean Preconception Journal Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters That Girl : An Exercise in Fertility Futility Thin Pink Line ( Password Protected ) T . K . O . . . . more or less . . . Trying to Stay Sane The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting will be held this Sunday , December 9th . Held annually the second Sunday in December , The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause . As candles are lit at 7 p . m . local time , hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic , cultural , religious , and political boundaries . As per the The Compassionate Friends web page , The Worldwide Candle Lighting is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe - It creates a virtual 24 - hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone . Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died , but will never be forgotten . As history , The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance . A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF 's USA website www . compassionatefriends . org . Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States , as well as dozens of other countries . Some messages are in foreign languages . Here in the United States , publicity about the event is widespread , being featured in the past in Parade Magazine , Ann Landers column ( where my mother found out about it ) , Guideposts magazine , Annie 's Mailbox , and literally hundreds of U . S . newspapers , dozens of television stations , and numerous websites . Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www . compassionatefriends . org each year as the event nears . The United States Senate has , for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting , joined in the remembrance Posted by I am 13 weeks today . . . Officially ( or unofficially , if you are a strict mathematician and go by being exact with 13 weeks , 3 days ) into the second trimester . Officially " out of the danger zone " for miscarriage . But , I am still having such a hard time being happy about this pregnancy . . . . . . . No , no . I don 't mean not happy - I am happy . But , I am still having a hard time being comfortable about this pregnancy . Feeling comfortable . . . Feeling safe . . . I have had repeat betas , all goods one . I have had three u / s 's , all showing ( and hearing ) heartbeats , on - target growth , fetal movement . I cannot wear my regular pants anymore . I have felt what felt like movement already , last week later at night while trying to fall asleep ( that percolating feeling , which I know from my PG with Chris is not gas ) . But , none of this seems to alleviate the fear that , with everyone knowing about this pregnancy ( which is getting rather hard to hide now anyway ) , something is going to go wrong . That I am going to have to un - tell everyone . . . again . . . the hardest to tell being Chris . Days before each appointment are spent in an anxiety - ridden panic state : Sleep is minimal for days leading up to the appointment , which brings on additional nausea . I begin to make up scenarios in my head of how will I react to finding out the baby has died . Will I cry or be angry ? Will I be able to drive home ? How will I tell everyone ? How will I face everyone ? How will this loss end ? I get short with the Hubby , nit - picking such little things he does , when he has been so great taking care of things I don 't have the energy to do myself . I recoil from Hubby as he touches my tummy , talking to the baby growing in there . Then , after the appointment ends and we leave with u / s pics in hand , I feel guilty for the things that I am preventing myself from doing : Talking to the baby myself in those days leading up to the appointments , in fear of getting to attached and having my heart ripped out again . Allowing Hubby to have his time with the baby . . . telling him / her the stories and singing thePosted by I wanted to post these yesterday . . . but , the NT scan the appointment took a LONG time , then I had to go shopping for a birthday present for a party tomorrow , and then my IL 's and I took Chris to the Turtle Back Zoo to see their Holiday Lights Show . The next u / s went very well - baby 's heartbeat is still around 150 bpm , he / she is moving around and measuring right on for where I am . Phew ! ! I won 't know results from the NT Scan ( risk of Downs , trisomy 13 and 18 ) until the b / w comes back next week and that is compared with the scan . From there , we decide if we need to do an amnio . We met with the genetic counselor prior to the u / s and we basically decided that if my risk of chromosome issues is low ( say 1 / 900 , etc ) , I won 't do the amnio . But , if my odds are higher than the m / c rate of the amnio ( which is 1 / 300 ) , then we will do it . So , that is for next week and will be continued then . Meanwhile , the MFM clinic is checking my homocysteine levels ( Dr . D didn 't think it was necessary , but the clinic wants it done ) . I am scheduled for a Level II u / s on 1 / 10 / 08 at 18 weeks ( they will check cervix then due to induction of Chris and the d & e / d & c history ) and after that , I will go back to them for about 2 more u / s 's to check fetal growth due to thyroid issues . All the while , still going to Dr . D for normal prenatal checks . One of the best parts is that according the the MFM clinic scale , I weight 2 pounds less than I did at Dr . D 's office 2 weeks ago ! YEAH ! I am getting worried about my weight ( not because of how much I lost , but because I am eating SO MUCH , SO OFTEN ! ) . So , we will see what Dr . D 's scale says in 2 weeks ! Here are the u / s pics from yesterday : I am still so , so guarded about this pregnancy - always scared of the next u / s , the next doppler check , etc . Thinking the rug is ready to be ripped out from under me . . . That I am going to find out this baby is going to leave us too . It has been so hard for me to think positively . . . to be happy . . . to enjoy this time . I want to . And , I am trying . I want to enjoy when Hubby talks to Posted by Today is Thanksgiving Day . . . a rather mixed bag for 2007 . As we celebrate the beginning of the holidays with both sets of families , we get to announce today the new , unexpected addition to the clan . But , as we break the news to the family that doesn 't know , we are also remembering that two years ago today , we lost Angel # 2 . It will be a different experience , getting to tell the bulk of the family at 11 + weeks pregnant , since I was able to hide this pregnancy ( for the most part ) . The lack of the mega - nausea has been nice . But , while I am very happy to finally share the news , I still miss , very much , my second Angel . Life changed so much for us - for me - two years ago . This loss brought me way down emotionally to a point I never thought I could reach . Losing this baby was my first major fall , followed in March 2006 with the fall even further of losing Angel # 3 . It has taken me so , so long to recover from losing these babies . . . Although I am still having a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of this baby staying with us , and making it to June , I am beginning to feel hope and faith that my body will do its job . I haven 't felt this way since my pregnancy with Chris . It feels nice . . . it 's been a while . I am so very thankful today - for so many things : My Chris , my marriage , this new blessing , my family and friends . . . and the chance to learn from , remember , honor and cherish always my angels , who I know are watching over us . Happy Thanksgiving , everyone . May this holiday season bless everyone . My friend , C 's , son is having surgery tomorrow on the artery on his trachea . James has been in and out of the hospital since birth - for so many things , including serious , recurring sinus infections . He is such a fighter . And a great little boy ( although , because of C living in Florida , we have never met him ) . I ask that all of you say a little prayer for him for his surgery tomorrow . . . He could really use it . . . as could his family . Thanks . : ) In my Women Who Do Too Much calender today , I received this : " To be surrounded by beautiful things has much influence on the human creature ; to make beautiful things has more . " - Charlotte Perkins GilmanWell . . . I am making something beautiful . . . And , it is amazing . My EDD is now changed ( by one day ) to June 10th - I am measuring perfectly from the u / s done on 10 / 24 : 10 weeks , 1 day . I am also getting kicked and punched like a massive soccer ball . . . might have to talk to this baby about it when I start feeling the movement in the weeks to come . Heart rate is about 150 bmp . And , I gained no weight from the last appointment three weeks ago - very good , since I am eating like a cow right now ! Everything looks so perfect . . . so right . It is so amazing right now . But , it still feels so , so unreal - two years ago this Thanksgiving Day , I had my d & e for my second m / c . This Thanksgiving , we will be sharing very different - very good - news at just a few days shy of 12 weeks pregnant . It is hard to wrap my head around that . I am having a hard time , still , feeling happy . I am - I am elated ! But , I have - and probably always will until this baby is born - that cautious voice in the back of my head . I am trying hard to ignore it . . . but , knowing how bad things can go now , it is rather hard to ignore it . I am taking it day by day . . . And praying day by day . . . From when I was a very young child , my dream was always to be happily married , financially well off just enough that the bills were paid without worry , and to be a stay - at - home mom to several children . As I grew older , most of that dream remained . . . although the details of it became a little hazy with going to college , getting a degree , starting a job , marrying later than I had hoped to , and starting a family later than I had ever planned on . The attempt to start a family later is when my dream began to really fall apart . . . and so did my heart . No one ever expects Infertility . No one ever expects Recurrent Pregnancy Loss . Why was this delivered to OUR doorstep ? What did we do wrong in our lives to deserve this ? Why did I have to become a part of that 12 . 5 % of the population experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss . . . which , statistically , ranks right up there with so many other medical " epidemics . " I have gone to three ob / gyn 's in my lifetime - but , only Dr . D ( my third and current ob / gyn ) was ever concerned about my long , erratic cycles I had lived with all of my life - by Jove ! Someone was finally concerned ! He did some preliminary testing , but could not really find anything wrong that would be causing them . So , we just waited a bit with the caveat that 1 ) when we were ready to TTC , that I call him and let him know when we were going to start trying so he could re - run the testing he had done and 2 ) that whenever we started getting frustrated if things were not happening , that I call him ( even if it was under the 12 month TTC wait for someone under the age of 35 years old ) so he can really start running the full IF testing . We started TTC in January 2002 - by November 2002 , nothing was happening and I had probably 4 cycles in that time period . So , we called and scheduled the TTC consult that month . . . and testing began immediately . By June 2003 , all testing was complete - problem was ovulation , as in I wasn 't at ovulating at all and was told that if I did finally ovulate in a very long cycle , that the chaPosted by Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters sent out the following call for assistance . Go on over and give Mel a huge assist with this ! It is for a good cause we all , unfortunately , share in . = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = So you 're receiving this because you are a stirrup queen and I am a stirrup queen and I need your help . I was nominated for an award and at first , I was just touched and it was really nice . Then , Flicka wrote her post this week ( http : / / vacantuterus . typepad . com / vacantuterus / 2007 / 11 / you - should - see - . html ) and it gave me an idea . Do I want to win ? Hell yeah . But do I see a larger thing we could do with this ? Yes . This award thing will probably get press and I 've certainly seen a rise in hits this week since it was announced . Flicka wrote about drafting a letter that people could use . I 'd like to win this and use the glance that the general population will give to the winner to draw attention to the IF / pg loss blogosphere . To our issues ( especially in an election year ) . To the reality of IF . Not a letter about how hard it is , but the reality of what it is like to have to pay thousands simply for a chance to get to the parenting starting line . What we need in terms of mandated coverage or job leave . The facts of IF ( in numbers and statistics ) laid bare . And then post this letter if I win . Post it even if I don 't win , but the winner will be announced at the end of the week / this weekend ( I think ) and we would need it ready to go up when the most people would be looking . With the blogroll list highlighted ( take a look at 1000 stories if you need faces on the issue ) . So the help from you - - if you can give it this week - - is two - fold . Flicka , if you can spearhead this , can you organize anyone who wants to participate ( hit reply to this email and I 'll compile the list of email addresses and pass them along to Flicka ) and get multiple people to do research at once . And start writing this ( I 'll help you ) . We just need to finish it by Thursday - ish . The other thing I need you to dPosted by Figured I would have some fun today ( since I am half - asleep at my desk . . . and I can 't seem to concentrate on my work anyway . . . ) and post some Halloween 2007 pics . Enjoy ! The first pic in full costume . Ahoy , matey ! Arrrr ! Check out my hook ! Uh , ma ? Do you think this is big enough for all the candy ? Christopher 's class party : Trick or Treating : Visiting the Great Pumpkin : Chris and Angelina : Chris kissing Angelina : All right , ma ! Enough of the kissing Angelina pictures ! Hubby 's Cuban uncle as a Sumo Wrestler : The " rear view " . Smashing , no ? Sumo with Angelina : Today would have been my third angel 's first birthday . . . and today was also the first sign of my second miscarriage . Amazing how anniversaries sneak up on you . . . But , I am not very sad today . So much has changed , it is rather hard to describe the lack of sadness . Sadness seems to have been replaced with calm . With gratefulness . With lessons learned ( the rather hard way ) . I am realizing this current pregnancy is revolving around quite a number of coincidences . . . all that refer back in one way or another to anniversaries of all three of my miscarriages : 9 / 19 / 07 was my approximate ovulation date with this pregnancy . . . and also the third anniversary of the loss of my first angel on 9 / 19 / 04 . My second angel should have been due in 6 / 06 . . . and I find that I am yet again due in June 2008 . 10 / 30 / 05 was the day my bleeding started with my second angel , rollercoastering into knowing that I would eventually lose that baby . . . and I find myself today trying to hold back the nausea from this surprise pregnancy while trying to get Chris to calm down during his flu shot . 10 / 30 / 06 was my third angel 's due date as well , rather impacting what the Halloween celebrations became . . . until now , as I look at the u / s picture of my beautiful baby . Did I mention that , if we went by Dr . D 's pregnancy wheel , I would be almost 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am , putting my due date at 5 / 28 / 08 ? My first angel would have been due 5 / 28 / 05 . So many coincidences . . . I am not sure what to make of it all . I miss my angels immensely . There is no doubt about that . But , I am starting to believe , with all of the coincidences before me , that all three losses were my angels ' way of saying to step back from the whole process . . . let things happen the way they should . . . eventually , when I learn to live again , everything will be right . I have been living again . . . enjoying my time with Chris and DH again , really like I used to before we started TTC again in July 2005 . Makes me wonder . . . - If I didn 't go through these losses , how long would it have taken for us to find out about the Posted by We have seen the rainbow . . . . . . And , it is beautiful . WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT ! ! ! ! 142 BPM . MEASURING RIGHT ON FOR MY APPROXIMATE OVULATION DATE . ABOUT 7 WEEKS . . . AND POSSIBLY A COUPLE OF DAYS . I go back on 11 / 14 for another scan ( doc suggested doing this to keep my mind at ease ) . Once that scan is done , I head off to the MFM clinic for check - ups as well . Had all of the bloodwork done . Got my hospital packet . Got my prenatals filled . Got my b / w schedule for thyroid testing throughout the pregnancy . Looks like there will be a new baby in the house in June 2008 . ETA : Here is the u / s pic : * * Notes the EDD is off - the 8 weeks 6 days is based on my LMP of 8 / 23 / 07 , not the approximate ovulation date that it should be . I am without words right now . . . That baby is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen . Heart beating . Head forming . That sight only equals seeing Chris for the first time four years ago at his first u / s . I am beyond happy . . . Seeing that heart beating still feels like a dream that I never want to be woken from for anything ( well , except for a Christopher hug ) . I still feel , in some way , that that moment was unreal . . . . . . But , it was real . And , I couldn 't have asked for more today . . . despite the rain . . . and the headache from crying in the u / s room . Sorry , I would have posted sooner , but I had to wait 1 + hours for Dr . D to get there . He was stuck in a meeting about a half hour away . He asked that I wait for him . . . he didn 't want to push me off on one of the other doctors . He wanted to make sure he did my u / s personally . And , to finally get good news in that u / s room , after 2 years of disappointment and heartache , leaves me speechless . I am so happy . . . Anyone wanna do my work today ? Tomorrow is u / s day . . . I have it together pretty well so far , despite the beast that is nausea setting in with force over the weekend . Comparatively , it is still not has bad as I had it with Chris . But , it is getting close . I can 't say I am glad to see it show up - it still gives me no guarantee of a healthy baby . I had morning sickness pretty bad ( similar to this ) with m / c # 3 in 3 / 06 ( bad enough that the anesthesiologist gave me something in the IV line during the d & c so I would wake up without it ) . Obviously , the nausea didn 't indicate a positive outcome . . . so , I am not sure what to think . I figured , to ease my mind a bit - and document things for posterity , if this does prove to be a healthy PG in the end - I would list the milestones I have passed without incident ( or , better put , the things I couldn 't achieve in past m / c 's ) : I have made it past 4 weeks 1 day with a natural conception ( my 1st m / c was technically a chemical conceived naturally . . . although my doc is counting it as m / c # 1 ) . I am somewhere between 6 weeks , 6 days and 7 weeks , 1 day now . This is way farther on a natural conception I have ever gotten . . . and only my second one at that . As I indicated here , unlike the past 2 m / c 's , my betas are much better this time - at least in doubling times ( who 's to say what DPO they really are . . . and I can 't nickel and dime that now . They are still good either way . ) . So , at least the hormones are doing their thing the right way for a change . I am between 6 weeks , 6 days and 7 weeks , 1 day today . No spotting . No cramping . Even after going out walking one mile a few times in the past 2 weeks . In m / c # 2 , I was bleeding at 27 DPO ( or , about 5 weeks 1 day ) and spotting often afterwards . The big milestone to pass is tomorrow . . . The u / s : In my last m / c in 3 / 06 , I was only measuring 6 wks 4 days on u / s day - not the 7 wks 3 days it should have been . If I can measure on - target tomorrow - between 7 weeks and 7 weeks , 2 days - and then measure on target again at the next u / s ( whenever that is scheduled with the MFM clinic ) . . . If we cPosted by For Val , thank you . Your comment , I think , is so very fitting right now . . . and just what I needed : " Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything , by prayer and petition , with thanksgiving , present your requests to God . " I AM thankful : I am 6wks 1 day today . . . no spotting , no cramping . My betas are the best they have been in the past 4 pregnancies . I am being treated appropriately for the MTHFR and hypothyroid . And , this time , I feel a little more PG . . . like I did with Chris ( minus a lot of the nausea ) I think , with all of these positives in front of me , I can begin to trust a little more . . . and pray a little more . . . that things will work out okay . I can rest a little more easily until my u / s on Wednesday . Thank you . You have put my mind at ease a little . : ) Back in early April , Zia and I had a play day in Westfield . Among the places we shopped , we went into was one of those " earthy " stores where they sell spiritual items . As you can tell , we have been in this store several times , where I have bought Oracle cards , incense , etc . I have even gone back with Hubby to purchase things for family too . When we went in April , I bought a bracelet for " Miracles " . Allegedly , you were to wear it and wear it , and when your miracle comes to pass , it will break . So , I wore it every day from the second I bought it : through the summer programs ( where I am assembling materials to distribute , take care of catering , etc . ) , in the pool at the IL 's and ocean on vacation , cleaning on the weekends . Always . . . except while sleeping ( I never sleep with jewelry on ) . Guess what happened on Friday . . . That 's right . It broke . The cord had been fraying for a while . . . a couple of weeks , I guess . But , I never took it off . I felt a snap in the cord before dinner Wednesday night . . . the night of our anniversary and the night we received the last beta number . But , I left it on . It finally broke Friday afternoon sitting at my desk at work . Since it is on my right wrist , I guess I put too much pressure on it while using my mouse , and the beads started to come off . So , I grabbed an envelope and put all of the beads in it . Hubby and I were trying to decide where to go for dinner for our anniversary throughout the week . . . . before the snap in the cord . Since our anniversary was officially on a weeknight , and trying to get out for dinner with a toddler is almost impossible during the week , we opted to wait to celebrate until the weekend . I asked him if we could go into Westfield again for dinner - there is a great restaurant there that Zia introduced us too where we could eat , and we could go back to this store and see if I could get the beads re - strung . We set out around 4 : 30 Saturday night to go to the store ( meeting Zia and her hubbs around 5 : 30 - ish for dinner at said restaurant - our anniversaries are days apart , and we Posted by I have not been quiet about how I feel about my faith here on my blog . . . My relationship with God over the past two years has been , well , rather stormy - which , I suppose , is completely normal considering how things have been . It is not that I don 't believe in God , or a divine being . . . But , the idea that the God I prayed to would rob me of three angels - babies that I took vows nine years ago to accept in to my life - was irreconcilable . My faith had taken quite a downward spiral . . . . . . At least , I think , until now . I have created several posts on this blog about the church signs I see while on my way in to work , like : Quotes with meaning and Change is inevitable , Growth is optional . The newest on to catch my eye was posted last week , on Wednesday as the trips for the betas began , was : After the stormcomes the rainbow . Rather a blatant sign , no ? And , I don 't mean sign as just a sign you pass on the road , but a sign as in God yelling out to me as loudly as he can : " Hello ? Are you paying attention ? " And , seeing that saying on the church board is not the only place I ran across it , in one form or another last week . I saw it in an e - mail from Di as she was going through the anniversary of losing her Leah ; I was it in someone 's siggy on FF , whom I have run across before and never saw the saying there before . I felt like the Pavlovian dog , with God 's saying being the reinforcer . So , the sign got changed this morning . . . to this : Let Jesus be a partof that rainbow . Now , I guess God can 't be any clearer on what he 's sending , right ? It has been a very long time since I went to mass . . . maybe since around Easter in April , 2006 ? But , we are going tonight , right after my counseling session , to give thanks to St . Gerard and to God for the blessing that appears to be holding on tightly . They have a Special Blessing of Expectant Mothers tonight , and I think it is very important I go . Not just because I find myself pregnant and can use all of the help I can get - but , because there is some kind of divine intervention going on here for me - betweePosted by . . . Looks like it is going to be a GOOD one ! Just got my third beta back . . . and I am more than ecstatic ! I never had such a great third test . . . and I am very happy right now : Beta # 1 on 10 / 3 ( approximately 14 - 16 DPO ) : 80Beta # 2 on 10 / 6 ( approximately 17 - 19 DPO ) : 302Doubling time : 37 . 57 hrsBeta # 3 on 10 / 9 ( approximately 20 - 22 DPO ) : 1737Doubling time : 28 . 53 hrsWhen the nurse called with the numbers , I asked her to repeat it about 4 times . . . not believing the number she was giving me . I was just hoping for at least double the 302 - and we got more than that ! So , she told me to play the lottery - and I am having Hubby go buy that ticket ! And , the child study team just called asking for the IEP meeting early on October 18th for Chris . We need to make it a little later in the day ( Chris has his vision check at 9 : 45 am that day ) . . . but , we are closer to placement / recommendations for him too . So much has happened and changed in nine years . . . or , better than that , the twenty I have known Hubby . Both good and bad . And , today takes the cake on anniversary occurrences . . . Oh , happy day ! I may have to stay up late tonight . ; ) ETA : Here are the graphs from the BabyMed web site , comparing beta # 2 and # 3 : If I was at / about 20 DPO for Beta # 3 : If I was at / about 22 DPO for Beta # 3 : Makes me happy . : ) . . . And , I am just not sure they are good . Beta # 1 on 10 / 3 ( approximately 14 - 16 DPO ) : 80Beta # 2 on 10 / 6 ( approximately 17 - 19 DPO ) : 302Doubling time : 37 . 57 hrsSo , the doubling time is perfect . . . if only I knew WHEN I actually ovulated . If I am closer to 16 DPO and 19 DPO respectively on the draws , the numbers themselves don 't look as good . He said I don 't need to come in for another beta since the numbers did double well . But , I am not happy about that . . . based on previous history : Betas for 11 / 05 m / c ( blighted ovum , so there was just no chance for this pregnancy ) : 27 DPO : 400030 DPO : 5000 ( doubling time : about 216 hours ) Betas for 3 / 06 m / c ( the shocker m / c , since I had m / s with this one and felt things were going okay ) : 16 DPO : 12321 DPO : 1630 ( doubling time : about 30 hours ) 24 DPO : 4295 ( doubling time : about 96 hours ) You can see how the betas started to fall off . . . . . . And , so , I am worried now about this pregnancy . Especially if I am closer to 16 DPO and 19 DPO on the beta draws . I have only had a few bouts of nausea here and there . . . my boobs hurt . . . I am gassy . . . I have heartburn at night after eating dinner . . . I am very hungry all of the time . But , I am just not that tired for about 5 weeks pregnant . I don 't have the nausea I had with Chris . I know I really shouldn 't compare PG to PG to PG . . . I am taking different medications now than even when I had the m / c 's , so symptoms could be different because of that . And , I know each pregnancy can be different . But , I am not really sure this is going to stick . . . . . . And , I am scared half to death right now , without knowledge of a third beta . All I can do is wait for my prenatal appointment and u / s on 10 / 24 . I don 't feel positive at all right now . . . . and the 24th seems like forever away . ETA : If you look the graph created at the BabyMed web site , my numbers don 't look so bad : If I was at / about 14 DPO for Beta # 1 : If I was at / about 16 DPO for Beta # 1 : But , still , I think a third beta is in order . So , I am going to call the Lee ( the nice nurse ) at 1 pm when she comes in to ask if I could come in forPosted by Well , while I am waiting for news on the betas ( doc 's office phones don 't normally come off the service until 10 am . . . so no point in calling before then ) , I figured I would post about a couple of other things . . . First , I wanted to thank DMarie for the IF awareness bracelet ! It came in the mail a little over a week ago ( and , honestly , I lost track of it ) - it is LOVELY ! Much nicer than I could have done myself . Funny thing is , I had DH put it on for me shortly after receiving it ( of course , I am not that nimble to put it on myself ) . . . and when he did , it kept coming off . The knot he created to hold it on just wouldn 't stay . Now , of course , it could just be him - although , you would think a former Boy Scout might know how to knot things . . . I have to ask my mom to put it on me this week . Back in September 2006 , I wrote a post on Why do Butterflies follow me ? It seemed at that time that every walk I took was accompanied by Monarch butterflies , in a specific pattern of play each time ( three playing together in one spot , two in another and then one by itself ) . For a while this year , I have not really seen the Monarch 's - only those small white ones , and an occasional ( and very beautiful ) yellow Swallowtail . The butterflies are finally back again , but not in the groups the once were . They have been in singles - every day - no matter if I am walking during lunch , or driving my car . Did you ever have a Monarch butterfly play dodge - ball with your windshield on a major highway ? I never saw that before , until the last couple of weeks . . . It is unnerving , thinking you are killing something with your car . But , looking back in my rear - view mirror , the butterflies are just fine , flying happily along . . . . It feels as if someone or something is sending a message . Sunday morning , we took Chris to a street fair a few towns over - met up with my friend K from college ( since her DH is a fireman in town and would be with the truck at the fair ) . We spent about two hours there , and then left for Chris to take his nap . Hubby put Chris down for hisPosted by . . . is preventing me from getting my beta numbers . Humphh ! I have been trying to call the doc 's office since 1 pm to find out what the beta 's were ( as per Dr . D , who , on Wednesday , said to call around noon today ) - and I kept getting either a busy signal or the answering service . By 3 : 15 , I couldn 't get through - so , Hubby took a ride ( since he 's " unemployed " at the moment - although doing per diem work for the firm that just had to let him go ) up there , and found out they are closed today . What doctor 's office really takes off for Columbus Day ? I mean , really ? So , now I wait to get the results tomorrow . . . and make the trek out in the afternoon for beta # 3 . I need some reassurances here that things are going okay . . . and POAS is just not doing it . Damn Columbus Day . Saturday night , Hubby and I were getting Chris ready for bed . Bath was done , pajamas were on . We were all snug on our bed with his binky , his drink and his book . Out of the blue - mid - story - he says to us " baby sister " . Hubby and I stopped and looked at each other , not sure what to say or think . The words had absolutely nothing to do with the book we were reading . . . And , any time you ask him if he ever wanted a baby sister or baby brother , he always - always - answers " baby brother . " We paused reading and asked him if he wanted a baby sister or baby brother . She then immediately answered " baby brother " like he always does . So , we let the comment pass because , quite frankly , we didn 't know where it came from . We finished the book , he finished his drink and it was time for sleep . . . . But , those two words just wouldn 't leave me Saturday night . They made no sense . . . Although , I think he knew what he was saying . So , Sunday morning , I decided what the hell . I will do a HPT . I had them left over from the summer ( I did throw out the OPK 's because I was no longer going to chart because of the stress it was causing . . . and with Chris ' diagnosis , we still had not made any decision on whether to continue on the TTC road or not ) , so it wasn 't like I was spending unnecessary money on them : As you can see , three days worth of tests ( or four if you count the digital one I did this morning that I have not taken a pic of yet - and , yes , I did go out and buy two additional boxes of HPTs on Monday to get the tests on 10 / 1 , 10 / 2 and 10 / 3 ! ) make it pretty clear what has happened . . . . . . With no meds . . . . No ultrasounds . . . . No IUI . . . . No OPKs . . . . No charting . I am scared . This is always what I had hoped and wished for - to get pregnant , the old fashioned way . Now that it is here , I am having a very hard time with the reality of those positive HPTs I am starting at . I keep thinking , if I look again at them - all stored in a box in the bathroom - the lines and the " pregnants " are going to disappear . They are not going to be there . It was all a dream or wackyPosted by Well , Chris ' child study team evaluations are finally done - one more step to go ( the child study team observing Chris in his nursery school setting this coming Wednesday ) before the IEP is finally formed and we begin to review it . Finally , some progress ! Chris has the child study team evaluation done of Tuesday . In sum , they requested that he have a occupational and P / T done ( which happened yesterday ) because 1 ) we had some concerns about some things he does ( like how he walks up stairs ) and 2 ) they were afraid that with their findings alone , he might not qualify for services . Not what we were expecting after weeks of delays and frustrations . We were told that he is very advanced IQ wise ( he was identifying several words on a page and saying what they were ; counting above 22 ; identifying all shapes , colors , etc . ) . The psychologist said she needed to add the numbers up because he was just getting things correct left and right ( and answering quickly ) . But , he was showing deficits in language that we have been seeing at home ( not in vocabulary , but in receptive - expressive language , although there is major improvement from the neurologist and speech evals in August ) . Of course , he did minimal hand - flapping for them ( figures ! ) - but , was covering his ears at several points . The ear covering is very new ( in the past 2 - 3 weeks ) - and we are not sure if that is a noise sensitivity or a " I don 't want to listen " sensitivity . They gave us flash cards to use with Chris that shows how actions work ( like putting a hot dog on a stick , heating the hot dog over a fire , then eating it ) to help him , since that seems to be the primary speech deficit area . The occupational and P / T eval done yesterday also showed very borderline for needing services - basically , he cannot cut with scissors , string beads , button buttons , open a Tylenol - like bottle . . . but , I never thought a three year old should be doing that stuff anyway ! I don 't recall learning how to use scissors until I was in kindergarten . And , quite frankly , I am not sure I want him knPosted by Sunday morning : Chris : " Take the drink out of your ear . " ( If you watch the Wonder Pets , you will get the reference ) FIL : " Take the drink out of your ear . " Chris : " Uh , what 'd you say ? " Today : Mom : " Chris , I made your noodles for lunch . After that , we will have dessert . " Chris : " Oh . the suspense is killing me ! " . . . . And , why exactly have we been pushing for the Child Study Team evaluations , finally set for tomorrow morning ? ? ? They are going to think WE have a screw loose ! Wish us luck tomorrow . . . Tomorrow morning 's eval will determine the program he will be in . I will be back to finish the vacation posts . . . and a great post about our Day Out with Thomas trip over the weekend . . . Well . . . I met my hubby 20 years ago today . . . My , my , my . . . . How 20 years flies ! I can 't believe we have known each other for that long . . . and I owe it all to my friend , C ( yes , I know I still owe you a phone call . . . and a package ! It will be out this week ) . In keeping with Mel 's ( Stirrup Queens ) Happiness Challenge : Here is how we met ( documenting something that led to Chris ) : C and I met on the school bus , I believe , the third day of school ( she believed I was a senior , and I believed she was a senior - too funny we thought the same thing ! ) and she talked me in to going to the Freshman Welcome Dance . I was not planning on going - I willingly decided to attend an all - girls Catholic high school because I hated boys at that time ( when guys don 't know what developing boobs are supposed to be when you are 12 years old , you get made fun of - A LOT ! ) , and guys were not on my priority list . But , she asked me to go - and I decided , what the hey ! I might as well have some fun . We met at the high school that Friday night ( I am very sure it was a Friday night - who remembers 20 years ago anyway ? ? ? ) and C brought a friend who did not attend the school . We danced and talked for a while , the school gym smelling of Aqua Net holding up all of the hair , the school gym blaring the liked of Janet Jackson , Madonna , Human League , Bananarama , The Bangles , and so on , and the guys we thought were cute or hot scoping out the pickin 's of an all - girls Catholic high school . . . And , I was in the outfit I bought for the dance : A white miniskirt and white matching shirt ( quarter - length sleeves , sweat - suit material , since it was WAY IN for 1987 ) - the white shirt had a silver / black leopard print on it ( and shoulder pads too ! ) . I got the outfit from Mandee 's - the " hip local for clothes here in NJ in the ' 80 's . Did I mention the green eye shadow too boot ( very Human League - esqe ) ? Of course , I had my jelly bracelets and as big hair as I could get for someone who has thin blond hair ! C noticed this guy ( J ) towards the middle of the night - she HAAAAAAAD to Posted by You know , we have been working so , so hard to get the things Chris needs for his PDD - NOS diagnosis , I feel like we are just banging our heads against the wall - and no one is listening . I have just about had it . When we returned from vacation , Hubby called the CST on 9 / 10 to find out what the hell was going on - from the post Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program , we all know our town is in violation of state law for getting this process done . We thought we were making progress - we had our initial meeting with the CST on 9 / 13 . We went over our concerns , what eval tools would be used , what kind of program we were looking for , inclusion for Chris with peers , etc . , etc . It seemed we were all on the same page - and we were told that Chris would be the first child evaluated , and it would be either 9 / 18 or 9 / 25 . Then , we heard nothing about 9 / 18 . . . And , our town is not closed for Rosh Hashanah . . . So , Hubby called again yesterday - and the eval date then turned into either or about 9 / 25 , 10 / 2 or a little later in the month of October . Uh , excuse me ? ? ? So , I told him to call them back and ask why ? ? ? I told him that 1 ) NO WAY is this eval going past 9 / 25 - why are we waiting after their fuck - up ; 2 ) I want to know WHY the date got pushed back and 3 ) make it clear to them that if something doesn 't happen soon and if Chris has to wait until January to be placed , there will be legal action . Their response ? Well , they are in the middle of moving their offices ( which , I would have LOVED to have seen any signs of that since I saw no boxes packed or things down from cubicles when we were there last week ) and some budget issues with the state . Know what ? ? ? NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM ! ! ! So , I am waiting for a call back from the Interim Director of the CSTs in our town - if I get no response this afternoon , I am going above her head , and so on . This is just ridiculous - and Chris is the one waiting for services . I can 't believe what a mess this is turning into . Chris started private speech therapy last week - and , although he is dPosted by Back in September 2006 , I posted my first vacation chapter about the visit to the Boardwalk psychic . Well , since we were at the shore - and , at what other time am I going to waste $ 10 to do this - I had to go back to the boardwalk psychic . To recap my 2006 reading , psychic # 1 ( Diana - I am distinguishing here because , well , I wasted another $ 10 later down the boardwalk to talk to psychic # 2 , Christine . Sorry , I wanted two opinions here ! ) mentioned several family things outside of children : long marriage , issues I needed to help my mom with , etc . She then went on to ask me " You have had several pregnancies , right ? " I responded yes . She asked , " Several were not successful ? " I responded yes . She asked , " How many living children do you have ? " I responded 1 , out of 4 pregnancies . She then said , " You are meant to have 3 living children . Don 't give up , as you have the best care you can get . " At that point , she never mentioned a time frame - just that I would have three living children . Obviously that has not happened . . . . . . at least not yet . Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday night , September 7th while my IL 's took Chris to an ice cream parlor where they do a musical show as you eat . So , we had a lovely seafood dinner at one of the popular spots in the area and then headed to the boardwalk to walk around like we used to prior to having Chris . Of course , Hubby knew I wanted to get another reading done - as did he . So , Diana was the first stop . I went in first . The reading started as it did the last time - she took my hands and begins to examine them , front , back , front , back . . . The first words out of her mouth is that I have a nice , long life - line - and a long life ahead of me . I would also be married a very long time , happily , to the same man . So , that 's good for stability for me - and consistency for her . She then went on to say that my husband , however , had some " troubles . " He has - but nothing too terrible . So , I mentioned that he just started a new job and is trying to sort some things out financially for us . She saidPosted by
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From the La Quiaca border crossing Charlie and I moved south to catch up with our friends Eddie and Lizzie . We met the couple in La Paz , Mexico and haven 't seen them since Mazatlan . We 've come close to catching them several times on the way down , but somehow always missed each other . Not this time . Charlie and I hooked it down the well - signed , fully paved Argentine roads heading south . We stopped at a small town north of Jujuy for lunch and enjoyed the best steak sandwich I 've ever had . Great meat on fresh bread with a salad bar for toppings . It 's been since Mexico that I 've eaten this well . Best of all were our servers . They were unshaven guys our age listening to funky music wearing hats backwards and sunglasses . Guys I felt like I could have a good time with . They were cool , just screwing around , being in their twenties . The people here seem really upbeat . You get the feeling that they can grow up and to a degree choose their futures whereas unfortunately in Peru and Bolivia , they 're fates seemed sealed the second they started working for the family at age eight . I know it 's a different culture up there under different circumstances , but I much prefer this one for the long - term . From Jujuy we moved west towards Salta on a very unique road . It was one lane paved , with the yellow line running down the middle . Why build two lanes when you only need one ? It was a winding road through foothills and across rivers leading towards Salta and the entire time I felt like I was on a giant bike staying in my half - lane . We arrived in Salta at 5 : 30pm . It 's a big city , and very clean . There were street lights and green trees running the sidewalk . Some of them were budding with pink and purple flowers . Springtime in Argentina . I saw a supermarket with a big Wal - Mart sized parking lot for the first time since Colombia . Salta looked nice , but Eddie and Lizzie were still 200 kilometers south . Charlie and I got gas , got lost , and an hour later were finally on the road to Cafayate . After an hour of night driving under the stars we pulled into El Balcon Hostel in Cafayate and found Eddie and Lizzie . It was crazy seeing familiar faces from so long ago . Last time I saw these guys I was barely a month into this trip . It was spring then too . Sunday night we all went to bed pretty early . I learned a lesson about Argentina as I tossed around in bed that night : they start partying at 2 : 00am and go all night . The disco next door blasted electronic music all night long . My earplugs managed to suffice and I actually slept pretty well . The next day Eddie and Lizzie went on a bicycle ride to go look at some rock formations . Charlie and I were pretty satisfied sitting around catching up on emails and facebook instead . For dinner we all had a big barbeque of steak , sausage , and grilled vegetables over the hostel 's grill . For $ 5 I filled myself with more protein than I ate in a week up north . Charlie and I did one more night in Cafayate while Eddie and Lizzie went ahead . They only went about a hundred miles . When we gear up , we like to make a day of it . Getting on the bike is like preparing for war , and I just can 't bring myself to that mentality for a hundred miles . We took our extra day relaxing and eating even more flame - broiled steak . In the afternoon we both installed our extra rear tires and I 'm happy to say that neither of us pinched tubes . It was a first for me and I was beaming . Wednesday we mounted up again and moved south . The end of the day put us in Catamarca , a big city with plenty of money . Charlie and I spent two hours doing laps around downtown trying to find a cheap enough hostel . We were just about to break down and pay $ 40 / night each when we found San Pedro Hostel . It 's an fun , relaxed place run by a guy named Julio , who recently sold his BMW F - 650 . He likes us and we like him . Tonight will be our second night . There 's not a lot happening in town , but it 's absolutely pleasant . I can 't get over how good it smells and how clean it is . The green trees everywhere have boosted my mood too . Best of all , we 're back below 1 , 000 meters elevation and I can breathe again . I can even stand up without getting a head spin . It 's a lot like home , and it 's just what I needed . Right now it 's siesta time . The whole city shuts down from 2 : 00pm until 6 : 00 . Then everything stays open until past 10 : 00pm . It 's awesome , and the attitude around town reflects it . No hurries , no worries . Tomorrow we 'll move south again to Mendoza . It 's 750 kilometers and likely a two - day trip . We 've really flown through northern Argentina , but that doesn 't mean I won 't come back . Julio just spent the last hour explaining to me a slew of bike routes we could take around here in the foothills of the Andes . With my mom and Charlie 's brother flying into Santiago in two weeks , though , there 's no time to waste . These bikes are reliable , but a simple failure could mean a week 's wait or more . I plan to arrive in Santiago five days early just in case . With my shock blown out again I 'm not so keen on being adventurous with the bike right now ; it 's more about survival . Just like before , the back end humps up and down over the tiniest bumps and through the hard curves . It 's manageable , but not much fun . Luckily an adventure rider named Pat from California sold me his lightly used shock for a very low price and it will show up with mom in Santiago . There I 'll leave the bike at a mechanic for a full service and the shock installation . Otherwise the bike has been running pretty well . Back at sea level I have seemingly infinite power . When it was real cold up in Bolivia I had an oil link every morning at several points out of my radiator hoses . It was never a big deal because as soon as the engine warmed up , the leak stopped ; nevertheless something I 've been keeping an eye on . I remember Ty had that problem on his V - Strom as well . I 'll have to ask about it in Santiago . I also picked up a couple new fuel filters yesterday . My current filter is disgusting after going through Bolivia . The plan is simple from here . Find Eddie and Lizzie in Mendoza , band together for up to a week and then head to Santiago . From there we 'll park up , rest up , and start the family tours . I think my mom and I will use publiPosted by Charlie and I made it to Cafayate , Argentina last night and caught up with Eddie and Lizz e . We love it here and will be staying a few da s . Easily the best country since Mexi o . Here are some pictures since Pe u . Oh and my shock blew out again as many warned it wou d . F . . . . antast After Salar de Uyuni Charlie and I were ready for a little class . Bright and early Saturday morning we took off down the road that Ty warned would be hell . The washboard was just as bad as expected . At 20mph my windscreen was slapping me in the face guard over the bumps ; so I took Charlie 's advice and kicked it up to 60mph and started hitting every third one . It 's not the most relaxing way to ride , but with sandy desert on either side of me I decided to risk it . Luckily for the entire 200 kilometers from Uyuni to Tupiza I didn 't come off ( despite plenty of close calls ) . In Tupiza Charlie and I pulled up on the road and discussed our plans . We decided to head for the border . It was only 90 kilometers more and there was plenty of daylight . He pulled away and I nearly ran off the road trying to get off the line behind him . Flat rear tire . An hour later the nail was removed and the wheel back on my bike . With the delay we decided to skip lunch and smash some Snickers bars and Oreos . Bellies full of chocolate , we hit the border around 4 : 00pm . Others had warned us that we were in for a four hour border crossing , so we had our fingers crossed . As it turned out , we were through within an hour and a half . Charlie and I had bought international insurance in La Paz that covers every country south of Ecuador . That saved a lot of headache getting into Argentina . The rest of the process was pretty simple : I 've got 90 days to get a job or go home . Since crossing it has been all smiles . Argentina is momentous . It 's been the destination in our hearts for the past seven months on the road and several years of planning . We pulled into a very nice hotel in the border town . It has hot water , water pressure , heating , Wi - Fi , multiple power outlets , a locking door , a bodai and most of all , you can flush the toilet paper . We took turns in the shower and then went straight to the in - house restaurant . We each ordered $ 10 steaks . They 're far overpriced , but it was a celebration . The steaks were everything we hoped for : over an inch thick , spanning the entire plate , cooked to perfection , with two fried eggs on top . After that and a liter of beer I sank into bed at 9 : 00pm and slept for ten hours . Today we 're taking it easy and moving south towards Salta . Last night we found out that Eddie and Lizzie are down there and we 're ready for some familiar faces . We haven 't seen them since Mazatlan , Mexico , so it will be a wild reunion . As for our tour of the salt flats and the Atacama , there was so much packed into three days that I don 't have much to say . Taking the three day tour in a Land Cruiser was definitely the way to go . We booked it with our friends from Potosi , Alleric and Gina . We met at 10 : 00am Tuesday morning and hopped in . Joining us were the driver , our guide Robert , and a young French couple . Robert was in his forties and he had less than half his teeth . The first thing he said to us was ' Hi everybody , I am Robert , like De Niro , and I used to work in the Potosi mines . When I was fourteen the mine collapsed and half of my crew died . The rest of us drank our own urine for days until rescure . I 'm very lucky to be alive and excited to be out of the mines and guiding your trip now . ' Heavy . Robert wasn 't great at English , and with his seven total teeth he was difficult to understand at times . Even so , he was a great guide for three days . First we drove out to a train graveyard . Just a bunch of old steam engines rustsing away in the desert . We took pictures and kept going . Next we hit the salt flats . 6 , 000 square kilometers of foot - thick salt sitting on top of a lake . It felt like you were getting nowhere out there . Just stark white in every direction . We stopped for lunch at Fish Island . It 's a island in the flat with 1 , 000 year - old cacti growing on it planted by the Incas . A hike to the top revealed an amazing 360 degree view of the flat . It was unbelievable , like nothing I 've ever imagined . Next we spent a couple hours taking strange perspective shots on the flats . With the endless white background and blue sky backdrop , you can create some funny situations in a photo . There are a bunch that will make I 'll upload someday . In some I 'm standing in a cooking pot , being crushed by a giant boot , and even smiting Charlie . We finished the day heading to the opposite side of the flats where our hotel was located . It 's called Hotel de Sal for a reason ; it 's build entirely out of salt . The walls are salt bricks with a salty mortar . The chairs and tables are slates of salt . The floor is crushed salt . The only thing that wasn 't salt was my bed , and even it was sitting on a salt frame . Salt doesn 't insulate very well and that night was cold . I slept in my sleeping bag under the covers . We took off at 6 : 00am the next morning . Our first stop was an hour away where we got to see some pigmy mummies . They were tiny , oddly shaped people who used boards to shape the infants ' skulls like an alien 's . The site was peppered with little rock domes and on the side of each one was a small hole . Inside the hole were the mummies . Most were just skeletons , sitting upright in the fetal position , but some still had skin on them . Next we drove into the Atacama . Our first stop was a lagoon with a flock of flamingos grazing on microbacterials . The girls went nuts . We had lunch there and kept going . As it turned out , there would be many more lagoons and flamingos . By the end of the day I had seen thousands . Just before our hotel we stopped at another lagoon , this one completely red . Apparently the color only comes out in the daytime and is caused by phosphorescence . Quite a sight . We also saw some crazy rock formations . Friday we were up at 4 : 30am and on the road . The roads in the Atacama are incredible . It 's a wide open desert at over 4 , 000 meters and you can drive whereever you like . There is nothing but sand and gravel in all directions with a few peaks in the distance that reach over 6 , 000 meters . So when I say on the road , I mean , making a bearing towards our destination and off - roading toward it . Friday at 6 : 00am we arrived at a series of geysers blasting up from below the surface . They smelled like sulfur , which turns my stomach easily . You did not want to fall in ; inside the craters was bubbling magma - hot filth water . I kept my distance . After the geysers we went to a hot springs and all hopped in . The night before the temperature had reached - 25C degrees so it was great to warm up finally . After that we hit the Chilean border and dropped off the French couple . They were fun , and now we have French friends . The rest of the day we roamed back across the desert towards Uyuni . It was a long drive and we made it back at 6 : 00pm . I 'm glad we didn 't take the bikes . Our tour covered 900 kilometers of trail very similar to the 200k from Uyuni to Tupiza . The bikes would have rattled to bits . In fact on the ride from Uyuni a bolt rattled out of Charlie 's triple tree clamps which hold the forks to the frame . That 's not supposed to happen . We pulled a bolt from my engine guard and called it fixed . After the tour we had pizza with Alleric and Gina and said our goodbyes . We 'll all be in Santiago at the same time , though , so we 'll see each other soon . Now it 's all eyes on Argentina . Posted by The Potosi mine tour at Cerro Rico was the most shocking and dangerous experience of my entire trip so far . Charlie and I booked a 2 : 00pm tour Monday morning . Our guide showed up with a mouth full of coca leaves and led us a couple blocks down where we changed into yellow jumpers and rubber boots . Then we all hopped in a micro bus and rode up to the miner 's market on the edge of town . There we each spent about $ 1 . 50 on gifts for the miners ( coca leaves , juice , and crackers ) . Half an hour later we pulled up at one of 500 mine entrances and geared up . The guide strapped helmets and spotlights with battery packs to us . She spoke broken English and rapidly explained that if anyone got scared she would lead them out . At that we went in . There are over 16 , 000 miners in Potosi and they have an average lifespan of ten years after they start working . Most of the deaths are from black lung disease , but plenty more are the result of on the job accidents . I had no idea what I was in for . The first couple hundred yards of mine were build by the Spanish over 400 years ago . . . back when they enslaved the Bolivians and sent them into the mines for six months at a time without surfacing . The walls and ceiling were built up with bricks that arched at the top overhead . The height was probably 5 . 5 feet . Under us were two rails leading in and six inches deep water . My boots leaked instantly , and the overwhelming smell of piss in the water made it even better . We continued on through the visible dust in the air as the ceiling kept creeping lower . At some points there were wooden braces overhead , others no . Some of the braces were split in half under the pressure from overhead ; we stooped right under them . Along side us the entire way were pipes with air hissing out every few hundred feet . They tied rags around the leaks to slow them . The mine kept getting smaller and smaller until we were crouched almost on our hands and knees working our way in . It was getting hotter too , and the air was thick . About a quarter mile in we came to our first miners . Two guys shoveling debris into buckets . When they filled the bucket it was pulled up to the surface via a shoot and then dropped back down empty . They had mouths full of coca leaves and weren 't very interested in our company . When they had finished with the debris they sat down and unwound staring at the ground . After five minutes of the gringos taking picture of them they were back to work . From deeper in the mine we heard a rumble . It was the next load of debris being carted in . 2 . 5 tons of rock being hauled in an Indiana Jones style mine cart by three Bolivians . They ram it against the broken rails all day long shirtless and breathing in dust six days a week . They pulled up , rocked the cart back and fourth , and eventually toppled the load onto the floor for the shovelers to take care of . Then they accepted a juice and some coca leaves and trudged back with the cart . We followed them . Even further down we came to the end of the tour , probably a half mile deep in total . It was easily 90F degrees and the guide wouldn 't let us stay there long . We hung around just long enough to get a glimpse of the actual work being done . Four Bolivians with pick axes chipping away at a silver vein and shoving the debris down a ramp into the carts . . . as they have been for the last 400 years . They were thirsty and we all handed over our gifts . With that we turned around and started stumbling back out . Every so often another cart would come by accompanied by three groaning bodies . On the way we went down another shaft to visit the God of the miners . It was a devilish statue that the Spanish set up for them . I didn 't pay much attention to the guide 's speech due to the shock of what I had witnessed . A half mile of four foot ceilings to get to the entrance and we were out . I asked Charlie 's opinion as an Australian miner . He was dumbfounded . He said they stopped mining like that 200 years ago in the modern world . ' They don 't dig holes as far as they can anymore , they just move the whole damn hill ' . They 've been tunneling Cerro Rico for 400 years and Charlie reckons a real mining company could make it disappear in under three months . The miners follow tiny veins all day long for $ 14 a day killing themselves . The big companies would just rip the entire hill apart and pull out the good bits later . Charlie was obviously disturbed by the hazards too . According to him , one gas pocket , one earth tremor , or one falling rock could have killed us all in there . It 's incredible that people still crawl around in these shafts and die in droves here given the technology that 's available . Cerro Rico is a miner 's co - op by name , but apparently the people at top still rake in the real money . The Bolivian government won 't allow foreign investment . The current president is the nation 's first indigenous leader . It sounds romantic , but the fact that he has 2 . 5 years of education and is chummy with Castro and Chavez is a little unsettling . According to Nora , our hotel owner , the country is heading towards a communist dictatorship rapidly . I 'm not sure about that , but one look at the Potosi mines , and you can tell that something is wrong here . Someday it will turn around , but a lot of miners will die in the meantime . Today Charlie and I arrived in Uyuni . We got a peak at the salt flats on the way in and they were amazing . White expanse as far as the eye can see . The road from Potosi was 70 % paved , a perfect ratio for a day 's ride . The countryside looked like Arizona for some reason . I 'm still scratching my head about that . Tomorrow we embark on a three day tour of Salar de Uyuni and the surrounding national parks . We are in a Land Cruiser with two new friends from the mine tour . Alleric from South Africa and his wife Gina from England who both live in Australia . Charlie originally met them in Mexico and now five months later we crossed paths agian . It should be a good time , and then we 're high tailing it for the border . We might skip Atacama for now . More dirt roads make me cringe thinking of my suspension . Plus I had a real steak last night and now I 've got blood thirst . Our last day in La Paz Charlie and I set off for legendary Death Road . Originally the only road to a small town called Coroico , the dirt road with thousand foot dropoffs is now a popular tourist attraction . There are numerous agencies in La Paz that offer bicycle rides down the road . . . we took motorcycles . After what we experienced in the badlands of Peru , I wasn 't expecting anything too exciting . The highway leading to the turnoff proved deadly enough . It rose to 4 , 800 meters through thick fog and intermittent rain . We stopped at several gas stations on the way but none of them would sell to foreign plates . We were livid , and running out of fuel . Apparently it 's a law in La Paz that foreigners cannot buy gas . . . logically . At the second station we met two Austrians on Honda Trans Alps . They needed gas too so we decided to ride together towards Death Road . Eventually we stopped at a roadside shack and inquired about gas . They had a few liters and we each bought five . Ten kilometers further we found a gas station that was above the law and filled up . Two kilometers later was Death Road . It was an ominous turnoff shrouded in fog and by then the rain was picking up . The waterproof outers we 're getting clammy and I was worried about my new ' waterproof ' bag . Nevertheless we started down at a slow pace slipping over the wet rocks . For the entire 40 kilometers of dirt and gravel I never saw more than 500 yards in front of me . The fog was thick and wet . Looking over the edge was impressive enough without landing below . You 'd peer down into the foliage and it seemed bottomless . Just rolling fog passing through the deep valley below . The road was bad , but nothing I 'm not used to . There were plenty of river crossings and waterfalls to ride through . And of course a slew of cyclists to dodge . By the time we got to the bottom the rain was coming down in sheets . Charlie exchanged information with the Austrians and we headed back towards La Paz on the new ' good ' road . The new road seemed to take even longer than Death RoOn the other side of the pass Charlie and I stopped for lunch and dried off . We then decided to get out of the city and find a hotel on the outskirts before nightfall to avoid the same hassle in the morning . We looked at a map and decided to head south through the city and spit out on the highway at the other end . As it turned out , there is only one highway in and out of La Paz , and it 's at the north end . The two of us weaved traffic for two hours for twenty miles figuring that out . By the time we found a hotel we were fifty miles south of the city and well into night time . Our hotel was a little swank and overpriced , but at that hour it was an oasis . We went to bed by 9 : 00pm and were up and about by 6 : 00am on Sunday . Sunday was election day in Bolivia , and it turned out to be very complicated . Starting on Thursday they stopped selling alcohol across the country . On Sunday , no one is allowed to drive . As Charlie said , ' keep the population sober and immobilized for when the results come in ' . Not really sure the rules , we decided to ride anyway . The foreign plates turned to our advantage on Sunday as we were the only vehicles on the road besides ambulances . We cruised across the Altoplano ( high plains ) at about 4 , 000 meters all day long making great time . Gas was especially hard to find . Some of the stations that were open wouldn 't sell to us and others simply were out of gas . In the end we filled up at a family 's house that sold gas by the jerry can . They were kind people and very excited about our trip . It was surreal being the only souls on the road . We crossed a lot of uninhabited terrain . It was a little lonely , but a nice break from the usual semi duels . Around 2 : 00pm we pulled into the last police checkpoint before Potosi . The police stopped us and said we couldn 't continue due to election day . We had to wait until 7 : 00pm . Charlie and I begged and pleaded and brought up the very valid point that all other police had waved us through without any questioning for the last 300 miles . The cop called his commander . Comandante Alvaraz came down and informed us that he could let us pass an hour earlier at 6 : 00pm , but that was all . It was such a releif that they didn 't ask for a bribe . With no other option Charlie and I bought some snacks and sat down on the road to wait out the next few hours . As luck usually has it on this trip , though , we met a new amigo just half an hour later . Hans is a Swiss guy on a Honda Africa Twin and he was trying to leave the city with his Bolivian girlfriend Nora . We talked to him for a while and he said he knew of a hot springs ten miles away that we could go to . He slipped the commander $ 5 and was granted passage to our side . Together we took off . I was low on gas , but anything was better than waiting . We arrived at the hot springs and soaked for a couple hours with our new friends . Hans had a lot of good route information and Nora owned a hotel in town . Ideal people to run into . At 6 : 00pm we dried off and headed back to the checkpoint . Five miles away I ran out of gas . Long story short , I siphoned Charlie 's gas twice tWe spent the night at Nora 's lovely hotel last night and this afternoon Charlie and I are touring the mines here in Potosi . That 's all for now . Leaving Peru turned out to be an absolute hassle . Charlie and I got to the border to find another nest of corruption . In the end I paid a cop $ 40 ( down from $ 100 ) for permission to leave the country because I didn 't have insurance . It was the same scenario as in Mexico ; everyone involved had the same story and I was dealing with the highest in command . I didn 't put up much of a fight this time because more than anything I just wanted out of Peru . I paid him , he gave me a bogus stamp , and I was out of the frying pan into the fire . The Bolivian side went pretty smoothly , even with the $ 135 visa charge for U . S . citizens . At least that one is real . Another round of headache started while we imported our bikes . The worm behind the counter asked us for insurance . . . which we still didn 't have . We told him exactly that . He said he couldn 't do anything unless we had it . We asked him where to buy it . . . La Paz . ' Ok , we 'll go to La Paz and buy it ' . ' No , one of you takes a bus there and buys it for both and comes back ' . That would have been a 24 hour trip so we just hung around fifteen more minutes asking him stupid questions until he started filling out his paperwork and completed the import . He was just looking for another bribe ; but luckily the cops outside liked us and he had no power to hold us back or write us up anyway . We got through the entire crossing by noon and headed towards La Paz absolutely furious . After talking to the guys at our hotel in Puno we had decided to take the low - key crossing that requires a ferry over Lake Titicaca . The road across the border was great with beautiful views looking north and south down the ' world 's highest lake ' ( whatever that means ) . At the end of a small peninsula we came to the town with the ferries . We stopped at a little restaurant and ate a very dodgy meal of rice and hot dog . After that , we rolled down to the docks and loaded onto the boat . These aren 't your typical ferries . They are skids with outboards on the back just big enough to hold a tour bus . Charlie and I parked our bikes up against a railing and held on tight . The whole quarter mile distance took about twenty minutes . The boat slowly plowed through the water creaking and twisting in the waves . On the other side we unloaded and rode off towards La Paz . Three hours later we had arrived at Lion Palace Hostel on Calle Linares . The place was recommended by Anna and is located on the main tourist avenue . We found Anna in good form upstairs and within a half hour we were all out for drinks to celebrate . The reunion was going great until around 9 : 00pm when I was crippled with gut cramps which soon spiraled into another round of traveler 's diarrhea . I spent the next two days slugging down antibiotics within blocks of the hotel . The days weren 't completely wasted . Wednesday we walked down to the main street to watch the miners protesting in the streets . The protests blocked up the main highway in both directions ; thousands of people wearing mining helmets marching and chanting through the middle of La Paz . Every quarter mile they would clear a hundred foot radius circle and blow up four half - sticks of dynamite in the street . Bombs so big you felt it in your chest when they went off . It was quite the scene but shortly after arriving I was forced to waddle home to the toilet . I also got to see the ' witch 's market ' which is mainly full of spices and Viagra knockoffs . Most interesting were the dried out llama fetuses hanging for sale at every doorway . I never figured out their importance , but given their popularity there must be quite a market for them . Today , Friday , I 'm finally feeling back to normal . This morning we walked down to see San Pedro prison which was made famous by the popular book Marching Lines . The prison is one - of - a - kind in that inside is a fully functioning society with no guards to enforce typical rules . Prisoners buy thier cells and can decorate them with whatever they want ( TV 's , furniture , etc . ) . The more money a prisoner has , the better location and treatment he gets . To earn money they all run businesses out of their cells . They also bring thier families inside to live with them in jail . Right now there are over 100 children living in San Pedro . Drugs , alcohol , prostitution are apparently easier to find inside than outside . What the prison is most known for is its production of cocaine . The inmates have been producing and selling some of Bolivia 's purest coke for years now . For the last decade they have even offered semi - illegal tours into the prison for tourists . Given what goes on in there , though , the lines of legality are very blurred . Outside of the entrance we met Dave from New York . Dave has been an inmate for the last twelve years as the result of a botched drug run . He 's got two weeks left and he 's currently on work release . While the others on work release find jobs and spend their meals with their families , Dave is unemployable as a foreigner so his job is to recruit gringos to take the tour . He 's barefoot , smelly and obviously strung out , but still a hell of a nice guy . He told us a lot about being on the inside , how it 's basically a huge party in there year ' round . He offered us the tour but eventually I declined . I wanted to go in , but reports are that authorities are cracking down and sometimes deporting tourists who get caught . If I didn 't have my bike , I might have gone for it . Instead I decided that I 've dealt with enough stress and headache on this leg of the trip . Seeking it out just didn 't seem prudent . Meeting Dave was entertainment enough anyway . He said some funny stuff . Most notably ' Man the thing that gets me is that they caught me with 2 . 5 kilos of the finest yay you 'll ever see , and then sent me right back to where they make the shit ! ' Dave 's lucky to be getting out soon . The growing notoriaty surrounding the prison has finally forced the government to build a replacement outside of town complete with guards and rules . According to Dave , it 's a priveledge to still remain in San Pedro , which shuts down completely in February . It must be ; he was bitching that they wouldn 't let him in until dusk . Tomorrow Charlie and I head south while Anna is moving to Cochabamba for a few months to study Spanish . It 's been a real fun reunion despite my gut - rot , but everybody 's got places to be . Given the way all of our minds operate , though , this won 't be the last time we meet up . The world is getting smaller every day . With Machu Picchu in the books I can finally leave Peru . Peru is a cool country , but it was slightly soured for me by police corruption , food poisoning , and a blown suspension . Charlie and I left Cusco this morning after shipping a slew of junk home from the post office . I sent my backpack , work boots , ' waterproof ' liners , Mountain Hardwear fleece , gaiters , and a few other garments totaling 6 . 25 kilos . For $ 65 it was boxed and shipped ; not bad considering DHL would have charge around $ 300 . On top of that I left my spare oil , Pelican case , mounting rack , and a few other things I haven 't used in the last six months . All told , I think I dropped around 25lbs while making my luggage system much easier to work with given the new waterproof duffel . Hopping back on the fully loaded bike today , I was glad I did . After 2 , 000 kilometers to Lima and back without side panniers I got accustomed to a super light , nimble ride . Riding out of Cusco with all my gear today felt much more like piloting a boat . Momentum plays a much bigger role . Brakes act much softer . And the power is subdued . It was a five hour ride to Puno on Lake Titicaca and most of it was straight highway above 4 , 000 meters . This was the first ride I 've spent much time in fifth gear at real high altitude . The lack of oxygen in the air took a dramatic toll on my power . I had to coax the engine from gear to gear . The throttle response was muted and I couldn 't crack open the power at a moment 's notice like I 'm used to . The struggle at altitude was something we knew was coming . I just cruise at 65mph now and make sure I 've got plenty of space to slowly pass the semis up here . I 'd better get used to it ; Bolivia is landlocked in the Andes . To sum up our Peruvian experience , Charlie and I were pulled over by another set of corrupt cops just before Puno . They decided that we needed insurance ( we don 't ) . We argued with them this time . All they could say to us was that the fine was really big … I nodded while Charlie took pictures of them and wrote down their names . They never even tried to explain the classic process of keeping our license until we paid the courthouse the next morning . They just wanted us to offer up the bribe . With disgusted looks on our faces Charlie and I just sat there and argued until they 'd had enough . The one in charge gave us back our fake licenses and looked at Charlie screaming ' maybe you 're allowed to in your country , but here in Peru you do not take pictures of police officers ! ' Charlie 's response was simple , ' because in my country the officers aren 't corrupt ' . Tomorrow we cross into Bolivia over Lake Tititcaca . If we 're lucky we 'll get to see the floating villages . If not , I 'll have a reason to come back . We 'll stop in La Paz for a night or two catching up with Anna before she heads off to start he Spanish courses and we haul towards the salt flats . It 'll be a fun , although brief , reunion and hopefully she can show us some of the better parts of La Paz . As for Machu Picchu , it delivered as promised . The train up to Aguas Calientes was a relaxing break from the bikes . Peru Rail offers a pretty good service with the train following the river up the Sacred Valley . The windows in the ceiling offer plenty of incredible views of the towering mountains overhead . It was a wet green valley leading up on both sides into the fog above . Every few minutes the clouds would break and the snowcapped peaks in the distance materialized . Aguas Calientes is the jumping point to Machu Picchu ; it 's a small town that seems to be built entirely on servicing its 2 , 500 daily visitors . Charlie and I spent the night there after our train ride and then caught a bus up to the park the next day at 5 : 00am . Unlike a lot of parks in these countries , you don 't have free range in Machu Picchu . There are set paths to follow that lead you through the park . There are plenty of opportunities to get sidetracked , but it was nothing like Tikal , where I scrambled whatever wall I wanted and bushwacked jungle the entire way . Machu Picchu is a different scenario , though . It 's too small to let everyone wander . There are also way more ways to kill yourself up there . The terracing is even more incredible than the pictures display ; it is endless , spreading up and down all sides of the mountain deep into the fog . One slip and you can tumble thousands of feet down into the valley . The remaining buildings were striking . There seem to be entire neighborhoods of walls standing on all sides of the park . The only part missing was the roofs . The stonework is unbelievable . Stones the size of refrigerators are jig sawed together tightly that there are absolutely no gaps between them , and no mortar either . It must have taken ages . The stones don 't follow a particular pattern or standard shape . Instead it 's as if they grabbed one , shaved it down to fit perfectly on top of the last , and then grabbed the next one randomly and did the same . It paid off ; the walls are still standing centuries later . On the far side of the park is Wayna Picchu , the mountain that you always see in the background of MP photos . Charlie and I paid an extra $ 10 entry fee so we could climb to the top and look down on the city . It was a wild hike up slippery rock to the top and unfortunately the view down below was constantly marred by the fog passing through . It rained most of the time we were at Machu Picchu , but that was alright . The rain made the rocks slippery , but also reminded me of home with all the green ferns sprouting up everywhere . I could go on , but we 've all seen pictures of the place . Seeing it firsthand is something entirely different , though . The scope is much more dramatic and seeing the surrounding area really brings an appreciation for just how ridiculous the idea of building a city there really was . Sitting there amongst the clouds on a saddle between two mountains teetering thousands of feet over the Sacred Valley in the middle of the Peruvian Andes … it deserves the recognition as one of the last remaining wonders of the world . As the day wore on Charlie and I started to get tired and hungry . We had taken a couple hundred photos and were thoroughly soaked from the constant drizzle . The place was only getting busier by the minute , so by noon we were back on the bus heading back down . We caught the train back to Cusco that night and slept most of the way . Sunday I changed oil and gave the bike a good inspection , replacing several bolts that had rattled off in Peru . In the evening I went over to Norton Rat 's and drank myself into a very jovial mood as the Packers scored 25 unanswered points against the Falcons . It was great , and I paid for it today riding with a headache . Posted by Back in Cusco , Charlie and I are beating feet to get out of Peru . We pulled in late yesterday , got our daily McDonald 's fix , then passed out early . The ride over was a blur . We blew past Nazca ( home of the famous Nazca lines ) for the second time in a week without stopping . Something about hopping in a rickety Peruvian Cessna to see more deserts didn 't sound appealing . The mountain pass was much easier on us this time around ; we hit it mid - morning accompanied by sunlight and blue skies . Regardless of how well we knew the road , all told it was still a very long ride . Today I woke up and got right to business . First Charlie and I went down to the Ministry of Tourism to buy our Machu Picchu tickets . They were $ 50 each including access to the nearby mountain Huana Picchu , which offers the view that you 've all seen in post cards . Next we bought the train tickets to get us up there . MP is a good distance from Cusco , and it 's not directly accessible by motorcycle . So for once , we 're going to put our feet up and let someone else do the driving . With the roads , the drivers , and Alex 's most recent accident , I feel privileged for every mile I don 't have to ride around here . Tomorrow we catch the train at 7 : 00am that leads to Agua Calientes . There we spend the night and wake up even earlier to catch the park at sunrise . I 'm excited . Machu Picchu seemed so distant for so much of this trip and now it 's 24 hours away . We 've come a long distance . In the afternoon after touring the park we 'll come back to Cusco via the train and spend all of Sunday preparing to continue south . While out and about I also had my side rack fixed where it had rattled a hole through . I had a cab take me to a welding shop and explained to the blacksmith what I needed done . He nodded confidently and finished the job in twenty minutes . The rack is stronger than it ever was . The price : $ 3 . I gave him $ 6 . Then I went across the street and bought motorcycle oil for my second change in Peru . I 'm sitting right at 3 , 000 miles after all oI also did a load of laundry and got a haircut , so I 'm feeling pretty fresh at the moment ( although my hands are still covered in grease like normal ) . I 've decided to keep my side panniers for a while , at least until Santiago . My suspension is better , but still not as stiff as I 'd like . I was considering dropping everything but the essentials from here on out ; instead I 'll think it over a bit more . I 'll be sending the important items home from Cusco . Anything else I refuse to carry can be left in the ditch for all I care . Santiago is coming up on the horizon . By the time we leave Cusco , it will be less than five weeks away . Five weeks to cover all of Bolivia and half of Chile . I 'm still not even sure I want to see Bolivia . I here it 's amazing , and I 'm sure it is . But this is vacation too ; crossing another country that doesn 't sell my bike sounds harrowing . In the end , I 'm sure I 'll end up there , but I 'll be dragging my feet crossing that border instead of bolting straight for north Chile . I consider Santiago to be a massive fork in the road . It 's either a spot to batten down the hatches and double my adventure efforts , or wind down the trip and start the process of getting home . Depending on how the first week of travel goes with my fixed suspension , I might have a new , stronger rear shock sent to my house for my mom to bring down . If I end up putting a $ 700 unit into the bike , I 'll intend to get quite a few more miles out of it down here . I could have a Suzuki dealership install it while they give the bike an oil bath and rejuvenate it . Or I could pull in , drop the kickstand for the final time , and call it the end . Santiago is said to be the best port south of Colombia for shipping bikes home . Buenos Aires is apparently more expensive than normal right now due to elevated port fees . I 'm finally at the point where I need to keep an eye on my bank account . I got time , but if it 's coming to a decision of ship the bike home and go home with a landing pad or go for broke down here and come home shirtless . It 's hard to say ; there 's a lot of times when I feel like the novelty has worn off . I keep thinking about my next trip now ( probably Alaska ) . How I 'll build the bike better , plan better , pack better , and do it all with just a little more maturity . It all makes me so excited that I really want to get home and start saving money all over again while tinkering on a whole new DR650 with all the right modifications . At the same time , there 's no need to jump the gun . I am , after all , on a pretty cool DR flying towards Tierra del Fuego at age 24 at the moment . Just like living in the Moontower , this is something no sum of money or planning could ever replicate . When I 'm out there gliding along above the tree line with the motor whining between my legs and the wind in my face , I can 't imagine getting off the bike until I 've spent my last dollar on just one more tank of gas . Time will tell . I 'm just excited for Machu Picchu right now . And also , I received an email the other day from a reader who 's been unsatisfied with my reports as of late . Here 's a portionof what he had to say : ' … you 've devoted an inordinate amount of press to things that displease you . We get it . Point made . We know shit exists now get - past - it . Leave the smelly third world if it 's so irritating . Find your dream job at a surf shop or in the mountains but please STOP BITCHING . It 's a dreadful habit . ' I 'll keep this short and to the point . These are not fucking bedtime stories . Reading the hard times is getting you down ? Try riding them . If my realities are too harsh , then pick up a Lonely Planet , because this is an adventure . I 'll write the good , the bad , and the beautiful . So hold on tight ! October 2nd marked six months on the road for Alex and me . It 's a miraculous feat that we made it this far . And it really hasn 't been easy in distant memory given multiple accidents , constant mechanical failures , and a near kidnapping . It certainly hasn 't weakened my resolve to keep going , but the fairy tale ride we imagined has been much more a battle than I planned . No more fitting for this stage is another bad draw for Alex . He was in Ecuador two days away from Lima when a sixty year - old drunk man stepped into his lane . Al was doing 50mph and the impact sounds pretty grizzly . The old man is alive with critical injuries . Alex escaped with a fractured collar bone . And the bike needs work too . A more detailed account is on Alex 's blog . It 's a lot to take in for me and I can 't imagine what it means to Alex . He 'll need about two weeks to clean up all the loose ends up there . He sounds positive , but there 's been plenty of talk of sending the bike home . Who can blame him ? Sending the bike home means I continue indefinitely with Charlie or whoever along the way . It 's just strange to imagine Alex off the road . Sending the bike home doesn 't mean he can 't continue ; there are other means of transportation . It 's just a prospect I never thought either of us would face . I won 't continue because the real debate is starting on ADVrider right now . A year ago October 1st is when I landed in Juneau , AK , the end of a very long and exciting twelve months . Four months driving truck six days a week in - 35F degrees followed by two months of trip preparation , skiing , weekend in Vegas and then six months on a motorcycle in Central and South America . I 've seen and experienced quite a range of life in one year . Unbelievable . So , looking forward now , there 's a lot on the way . There 's still the November 15th deadline to be in Santiago to pick up mom . Plenty of time , but it 's fast approaching . I 'm doing away with my Pelican case on the rear rack . I bought a waterproof duffel bag here in Lima that can combine the case 's contents and the Sea - to - Summit bag 's into one . I don 't really trust the waterproofing , so I bought a pack cover to put over it if need be . It 's lighter than the pelican case , less hassle and it gives me an opportunity to use the Pacsafe I 've been toting this whole time . It was only $ 70 for the whole setup so if I 'm not satisfied by Santiago I 'll have my mom bring down some Wolfman gear . It 's an exciting adjustment though because at the same time I 'll be shipping home a lot of volume and weight from Cusco . I 'll be able to put all the weight where I want it and still have plenty of capacity for whatever comes along in the future . I 'm really excited to hop on the bike with the rebuilt suspension and a lot less weight . It 's a welcome adjustment after all that destructive dirt . Today we met an Australian girl at the hostel currently riding a Chinese bike . It 's a shame she 's going north . This ride has been a testicle festival for a while now . So after six months there have been a lot of blows but still remaining is plenty of opportunity . I think in a week 's time the dust will settle on Al 's situation and we 'll have a clear plan on his future . Sometime soon here Charlie and I need to put the armor back on and face the road again too . I 've got one thing on my mind right now : red wine and Argentinean steak .
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As I prepare to write this post I am painfully aware that it is after an almost two month absence . I find myself asking - where have I been ? It is not that I haven 't been busy with art projects . In November I hung paintings at the Des Moines Botanical Center . It has been a great show , by the way . I met wonderful people at the artists reception , sold three of my larger paintings and have already taken a trip back to Des Moines with new paintings to replace those sold . My work will continue to hang there until January 8th . I have been working on a hodge podge of painting projects . Some that were studies for learning purpose and some that are currently works in progress . I thought I would give you all some snippets of what I have been up to as of late . I enjoyed a little dabble into a new subject in early November . I have always been fascinated with the design and beauty of sea shells . I thought I might like to try my hand at one . Since I was trying a new subject , also decided to try some new techniques for the background - heading in a more abstract direction with what I guess I would compare to a " wash " . Two things I walked away with from this project : one , a desire to explore the background technique further - it ended up being my favorite part of the painting . Secondly , an awareness of my need to study , practice , and study some more various seashells . The seashell itself was a lot more challenging than I expected . This is a sneak peak into a garden scene that I have been working on off and on . It is at the " off " stage right now . Sometimes when I reach a point where I get frustrated with the direction a painting is headed , if I just let it sit for a month or so I have a whole new perspective and zeal when I return to it . This is little study I did for an idea I have for a future project . I am exploring the concept of " home " and what it means to different people . My nest contains all five of my little eggs - even though in reality I have three out of the nest . I would love to hear from my readers as to your ideas of " objects " that might represent " home " to you . It might just end up in the final still life . Email me with you ideas ! Finally , a sneak peek into the canvas currently sitting on my easel . It 's a big one ( 4ft . x 4ft . ) . I only began it this last week , but got lots of progress made in throughout the past few days waiting out a snow storm . I will keep you posted . Okay . that about catches things up . Hopefully I can stay a little more on track from this point . Sometime next week I will be taking a look back at the ups and downs of 2012 . Until then , enjoy your family and have a Merry Christmas ! Autmn Collage I 've been finishing up a couple of new paintings to include in my upcoming show at the Des Moines Botanical Center . I will have paintings hanging there from November 2nd through January 10 , for those of you in that area . I am really looking forward to this show . I was in the poppy mood so of course I had to plant myself in the midst of a poppy field ( no pun intended ) . I started out with one idea for the painting below ( " Blowing in the Wind " ) and it ended up developing into another . So I for see another poppy painting in my near future to further develop that original idea . I also wanted to do something with a Fall theme . I love the colors of Fall . Many times when I start a painting my ideas come from what I would enjoy hanging in my own home . I have a beautiful shelf in my dining room that my husband made just for my paintings . There is a constant rotation of paintings up there during their drying time . That way I can look at it often and make sure there isn 't anything I want to tweak . So when I do a painting one of my first thoughts is - do I want this hanging in my dining room . Which is what led me to a Fall theme this time - I 'm in the mood to see Fall colors on my wall for a bit ! I had a terrific art show / sale a couple of weeks back . It was great not just because I sold a few paintings ( although that is always nice ! ) , but because I was blown away by the number of people who came out to see my artwork ( and many that were not even related to me - ha ! ) . I also loved meeting new friends that were so fun to speak to and who were there just enjoying art - awesome ! One of those people was Dr . David Benson , the superintendant of the Cedar Rapids , IA School District . He and his wife purchased " Summer Sunflower " to donate to the already thriving collection that the school district has . I had to share his story because I found it to be very inspiring . For those of you not from Iowa , I first have to start off by letting you know of the horrific flood that Cedar Rapids had about four years ago . It was like nothing you can imagine - much of the city , including all of the main government buildings were almost completely submerged in water . Hundreds of homes were completely destroyed . It was ( although C . R . is smaller in size ) comparable to the floods brought on by Katrina . One fo the buildings that was damaged was the Cities ' school district building . The staff worked hard to get valuables out of the building before the flood . Among the things salvaged was the amazing collection of art that the district owned . Most of the artwork had been collected over the last 70 years or so , from schools that were closing . Much of it had originally been donated by artists , some well known , who were from the famed " Stone City Art Colony " right outside of Cedar Rapids . The School district even owns " Young Corn " by Grant Wood . Post flood the district rebuilt a new building . This building was built with post flood mentality - it was made to withstand time and elements and disasters . As Dr . Benson told me - " It 's made to be here in a hundred years or more . " With the " meant to last " mentality and the already rich art collection , Dr . Benson came up with a wonderful idea . His plan is to add to the collection by challenging himself and all future superintendents of the district to purchase , and donate to the district , a piece of fine art . The artwork is to represent the superintendent 's home state so that a " piece " of each superintendent remains long after they have moved on . His hope is that the art collection will grow and withstand time . I love that whole concept ! Last weekend was filled with a two day art sale and the beginning of this week got busy with school , errands and the business part of art , which means that as close as I was to completing this painting - it wasn 't getting done . So last night I decided I wasn 't going to bed until it was done ( good thing I was close to completion ) . All that I really had left to do was to thicken and lengthen the " beard " and add some fine details to it . Then the last things was to add some highlight areas . So I turned up Pandora and painted away until just before midnight , when I was able to say , " Done . " Over all this challenge has been great for me . I feel like my creative juices are flowing again and I spent a lot of pure enjoyment time in painting this . Now I am loaded with some new ideas for paintings . This is just in time as I am gearing up for an upcoming show at the Des Moines Botanical Gardens in November through January . I don 't think I have ever posted twice in one day , but my earlier post was actually for yesterdays paint time . Tonight I spent about two hours fine tuning the lower petals and adding the " pizazz " of the beard if the iris . The paint for the beard is rather thick so I will let it sit at least over night ( perhaps a couple of days - so I might have to skip a couple of days of painting while it sets up ) . At that point I may thicken and lengthen the beard , add some highlights here and there and then I believe I will be done . I did get to paint yesterday ( 09 / 12 ) , but I didn 't quite get the blog post up . So I may put day 10 and 11 both up today - we 'll see how the evening goes . I planted my self in front of these two right hand petals ( seen below in context from the day seven post ) . I 'm sorry about the glare on the photo , but at least it gives you some idea of what I was up to . I tried to smooth out some of the multi - colored shading so that it has a more uniform effect . I also decided to bring more of the aqua in to areas to give the impression that some of the petals are slightly translucent and therefore catching the blue of the background in the lighted areas . I encourage you to double click on the image above to see more of the details of the brush strokes . I will admit that I fell off the wagon . Two days straight of no painting . It 's not something that I am proud of - when I commit to something I like to stick with it . But it 's the fact , so there it is . But I am back at it again , starting up again with day nine of painting . I focused mainly on the main flower , adding more depth with shading and highlights . Now I know what you might be thinking - that I am basically showing you the same picture over and over and just " pretending " that I am getting further in the painting . But the truth is , I am making progress . To prove my point , I give evidence in the picture from day seven . I get asked all the time , " How long does it take you to paint one of these ? ' Well , I am roughly about two - thirds done with this one and I am on approximately hour eleven . Form this point forward I get to the fun stuff - polishing things up a bit , so to speak , and starting to see the idea I had in my head really come to life on canvas . I love Saturdays . On Saturdays I can get big ol ' chunks of time in with a paint brush in my hand . Today I spent about three hours working on this project . It feels like I got so much accomplished ! I added another layer of glaze to the back ground ( I believe this makes four or five layers ) , and I added detail to just bout every petal . Whew . . . it feels good to be making headway . Now time for some house cleaning . . . Tomorrow is Saturday ! My goal is to be in front of the canvas for at least a couple of hours . Hopefully tomorrows post will show some real progress . Until then . . . . Okay , it might not look like I am making any progress - but really , I am ! I spent a lot of time today working on the main petal . I added more shadowing , more curve and ripple in the petals and more of the soft grays and aqua . If it is looking pretty much the same to you , look below at day five and you will find some subtle changes . What can I say - it is a slow , but sure , process . Main petal - day 5 Well , I am back from a little mini vacation with the family and ready to continue on making progress . The couple of days away gave me some fresh perspective ! I thought it might be time to start honing in specific petals , starting with the upper left . I wanted to bring in some turquoise to help bring harmony to the over all painting . It looks a bit bright right now but will be toned down later . Day 4 - I feel like I got a lot done today . I really worked on darkening up the background and trying to add more depth to it . My background is done with layers of glaze ( this would be the second layer after the initial wash of blue ) , done in various combinations of Prussian Blue , Viridian Hue , Cobalt Turquoise , Burnt Umber , and Payne 's Gray . Day three and it is starting to look like something a bit more recognizable . I extended that bottom petal to help with the balance issue ( pardon the weird angle on the picture - I 'm a painter , not a photographer , what can I say ) . I 've started to really establish the shadow areas more . More tomorrow . . . Day 2 . . . if that doesn 't make sense to you , check out yesterdays post to learn about a little challenge I am undertaking . I was able to paint for a good chunk today - one whole hour . Actually , with my schedule for this new school year it looks like 2 : 00 to 3 : 00 pm may well end up being my hour for painting . We 'll see how long it takes before some other responsibility fights me for even that ! But for today it was awesome . I worked on first filling in a little blue for the background just to help me get my bearings in the midst of all the crazy petal lines . Once the background had some color I was able to stand back and evaluate the over all composition . I immediately saw that it wasn 't balanced . To attempt to remedy that I extended the petal in the lower left hand side ( as you look at it ) . There might need to be more tweaking on some of the other petals but this was enough for now . Finally I began to roughly lay in some of the shadows in the upper petals so that it would begin to take shape . This was a strange summer for me , creatively speaking . Usually I use the free time of no homeschooling to paint a lot and have found that summers are usually quite prolific for me . But this summer I found myself lacking : lacking in time to paint , in ideas , and in paitience with what I am painting . Part of the reason was because I have been doing the perpetual mommy - dance . You moms out there know what I am speaking of : trying to juggle the repsonsablilities of parenthood with your own personal hobbies and interests . I try very hard to keep the right roles in the right order . I am first and formost a mom , with kids to care for and love and spend time with . After that - I paint . Sometimes those priorities get skewered . When this is the case I pray and re - evaluate what I am spending my time doing . This summer I found myself doing that a lot . With my youngest in particuliar , I kept thinking ' She is only four right now . ' Because the truth is , I love to create what I hope are paintings that people find beautiful - but those paintings are nothing compared to creating a childhood , and memories , and helping form the character of a little life . The other reason I didn 't accomplish a lot of new paintings was because I worked a lot on the two paintings that my dad had begun ( see my three prior posts ) . I learned a lot from doing it , I appreciated the closure it gave me following his death . But it was also a struggle . It was difficult to paint things that were out of my normal range and to do it on a tight deadline . That , along with the emotional experience of them being my dad 's paintings , left me a bit drained - creatively speaking . So what does one do when you find yourself in a creative funk ? Well , a little tiny piece of advice my dad gave me almost fifteen years ago has been playing in my mind lately . . . . . " Paint every day " . This was something that he put into practice in his life . It is something that I used to do too . Although I wasn 't able to spend the hours at a time that he did in his retired years , for many years I usually painted everyday , even if it was only for ten minutes ( because that was often all the mommy - dance allowed ) . I realized that I have really gotten out of that habit . Not only does it effect your skill level , I suspect that it effects your creativity . So I decided to give myself a little challenge . I started a new painting and with it I am challenging myself to put paint to canvas everyday until it is completed . For a bit of incentive I chose a big project . There is something about a huge canvas really gets me excited to fill it ! This particular canvas is 4 ft . x 4 ft . I am not quite sure how long it is going to take to complete - but I plan on painting even a little everyday until it 's done . And I will be posting my progress everyday . Some days it may not look like much progress is made , but there will be a picture none the less . So above is day one - not much happening , just the general outline of the idea of what will at some point be a painting . I shot a little of my art studio area so you can get some idea of the size of the canvas . Tomorrow more will be done - I promise . Stay tuned . . . . This is the first painting ( completely of my own ) that I have done in quite a few months . I have been in a bit of a creative funk lately ( more on that in a later post ) . It is nice to accomplish something . I wanted to play around with some of creams and taupes in a color scheme . This 24x30 oil is a study of sorts for a future project I have been mulling over . Part of the creative funk includes a lack of title ideas . Not one is coming to me ! I am open to suggestions . . . send me an email or leave me a comment on my facebook page In my last post I told you all about the first of the two paintings that I was completing for my dad . He passed in May and had two commission paintings that he had been working on ( check out the link for the full story ) . This double portrait is the second of the paintings . I finished it up last week just in time for us to leave for a family reunion in Colorado where hopefully I will be able to meet up with this couple and deliver it . I have never met the couple , but understand that they were dear friends of my dad . It is always difficult to paint people that you do no know , even more so people you have never met . So much of our appearance comes from not just the physical landscape of our faces , but from our personalities . I tried to use not only the beginning of what my dad had started ( seen on the left ) and the photo I had of the couple , but also the kind things that my siblings ( who had met them ) said about them , to convey there character on canvas . I know that this is not the typical kind of painting you might be used to finding on this blog . But yes , I painted it . . . sort of . Let me explain . But first I need to backtrack a bit . And I will apologize in advance for the length of this post - the subject matter is a bit unusual and so is the length . Some of you might remember a post I did back in 2010 about a painting I was doing of my dad . In it I talked about how he was an artist who had painted for well over forty years . I know that I would never have picked up a paint brush if it were not for the incredible influence that he has had on my life . Fast forward to last month . On Mothers Day we got the awful phone call telling us that my dad had died suddenly in a car accident . It was just such a shock to everyone . He was in his eighties , he had just fought , and seemingly won , a short battle with cancer last fall . An accident was just the last thing that anyone expected . Things in life don 't always fall into perfect timing , and for some reasons beyond my control I was not able to go to Colorado for my dad 's memorial service ( although a family reunion was already planned for this July , which at that time we are planning as a family , per his request , to spread his ashes over his beloved mountains . ) Losing a parent , no matter what your age , is a difficult thing . It is a strange feeling knowing that they are no longer here . I was very sad not to be able to be at the memorial . It felt like an important part of the closure that is needed when someone dies was just not able to happen . I 'm not one to really get my feathers ruffled and I had to at the time just accept the fact that it is what it is and you just deal with it . But it has taken me a month now to be able to really talk about it , and even now it is a really heart breaking thing to think about . One thing that I am most thankful for is that deep abiding knowledge that I will see him again someday . My dad had always been a very moral person - your typical good guy . But on a visit about ten years ago we had had many long talks and he had told me that he had come to realize that his goodness would never be enough to get him into heaven . That he really saw himself as someone in need of the forgiveness that Jesus provided on the cross . It was a conclusion that he had come to at some point while living in Colorado , and it did bring about a lot of changes in his life . From that point forward he and I had , throughout his remaining years , many good conversations on the subject of God 's grace and our countries need to return to our Christian roots . And even in my dad 's paintings there was a change ! I have always been a firm believer in the idea that what is put on an artist 's canvas is a direct result of what is going on in an artist 's heart . Where my dad had once painted in very dark , somber colors , and sometimes on some very dark subject matters - his paintings took on a new vibrancy with lively , vivid colors . To me , it was an amazing thing to see , and I truly credit it to a change that took place in his heart . Anyway , I say all that to say that " . . . we don 't mourn like those who have no hope . . . " I look forward to seeing my dad again in Heaven . Okay , back to the painting at hand . . . my siblings , when going through my dad 's home found many things to bring back for me that truly are a treasure to me - his paint brushes ( which I had always told him I wanted , not so I could use them , but just to have them ) , his easel ( which we gave to my son , Zach ) , a painting " recipe " book ( all of his notes on color combinations he uses for various subjects ) , and about six uncompleted paintings . They thought Zach and I would enjoy finishing them . Two of them were actually commission pieces that my siblings had spoken to the people who commissioned them , asking if they would mind if I tried to complete them for them . So I thought thosHorse and Indian painting as my dad had left it The subject matter was overwhelming to me ! Yikes ! But , the color lover in me was excited to see some of the interesting color choices he had been going with in the grasses and weeds . I also liked the idea of what appeared to be storm clouds that he was beginning to form . So I went for it . . . One thing that I have to note is that the canvas smelled like the sweet smell of his pipe that he always smoked . It is a smell that all of his children and grandchildren associate with him . It was wonderful to smell that the whole time I was painting this . It brought back so many memories - being five or six and sitting for hours in his art studio so he could work on my portrait ( at the time , not my most favorite activity ! ) , and as an adult sitting for hours having him teach me how to oil paint - that same pipe perched between his lips , listening to his sometimes abrupt ( but always loving ) instructions . It is funny how smells can effect us in such ways . What was really amazing to me was how much I learned ( in a weird way , from him ) by really studying this painting - the brushstrokes , trying to see where he was going with each figure , how he was laying in the background . It was an intense yet fun experience . I don 't think I will ever become a western painter , and I know there is no way that I could do his beautiful style justice , but this experience has been a good one for me , and has really helped in dealing with some of the grief that I was experiencing . I started the other commission piece ( a portrait ) yesterday . I will keep you all posted as it progresses . I will be delivering this painting to it 's new owner when I go to Colorado next month . I hope they enjoy it . Well it seems like eons since I have written any new posts here . But it has not been because I haven 't been painting - I have had a bigger project going that just took time . It has probably taken more time than usual due to the fact that life has just gotten very busy around here . My oldest daughter ( middle child ) , Shelby , just graduated from high school , so of course we were busy with all of the many preparations that go along with that . Now that summer is here , hopefully I will have a little more time to paint ! The project that I was working on these past months was actually something for Shelby - well , sort of . . . . This painting , titled " Bolivian Poppies " is a step away from my usual darker backgrounds to a more warm , vibrant look because that is what Shelby 's personality is like . The girl is vivacious and free spirited and I wanted to paint something that embodied that . But the painting isn 't actually going to belong to Shelby . Let me explain . . . Shelby is waiting a year to start college and will be going for the next twelve months to Bolivia on a long term mission trip . She will be in Cochabamba , Bolivia , with the International Missions Team Group , working with poverty stricken families . She will mostly work with the school age children in a Christian community center , tutoring them , providing food , and doing Bible lessons . She will also help with the local families through community outreaches and discipleship programs . In order to live there for a year she needs to raise approximately $ 10 , 000 for living expenses . She has been working hard to earn and save as much as she can . She is also doing some fund raisers . Which is where this painting comes into play ! This original painting is going to be raffled off in our local area ( anyone in the Center Point area can buy tickets at local businesses ! ) But I will also be doing a drawing for the print for those online friends who are interested . If you would like your name to be entered into the drawing , simply make a donations to " International Teams " for a suggested amount of 10 . 00 ( each ten dollars will enter your name once in the drawing ) , with " Bolivian Poppies " in the memo line . All proceeds will go to her mission trip to Bolivia and a tax receipt will be issued to you ( make sure you include your name and address ! ) Donations can be mailed to Shelby Kulish at 4198 Pikeview Dr . , Center Point , IA 52213 . A name will be drawn on July 31 and the print will be mailed to the winner . This 24x30 oil done on a gallery wrapped canvas is the second in a series of " Reds " that I have slowly been working on . ( The first " Red can be seen here . ) It seems like I work in different colors for a while and then need to return to vibrant reds for a new spark of creativity . With this one I wanted to really zoom in on a tulip for and almost abstract feel . The biggest challenge I had in painting this ? Wind . My easel sits near the window in my little studio area and for several days we had some strange wind gusts that kept blowing the painting off the easel . This painting definitely left it 's mark . . . on my carpet . Oh well . On another note , I had a great time last weekend at the Iowa Artists Regional Show in Iowa City , IA . there were so many talented artists there and we got to enjoy a great demonstration by Davenport artist Raphael Iaccarino who then went on to judge the over forty five paintings there . I took two paintings : Tori and Twelve and Magenta Rhapsody and took home two red ribbons for both . This doesn 't qualify the paintings for the State level show , but not too bad for my first year . It has been eons since I have posted anything - but it is not because I have stepped away from my easel for the past month . It is actually because I have been working on this bigger project ( 35x35 oil ) for an upcoming show in May with other members of the Cedar Rapids Creative Artists . The show is called " Repeat , Repeat , Repeat . . . " and will be held May 18th at Mr . Beans Coffee House in Marion ( for you locals ! ) . The idea for the show is fantastic . We have a photographer among the group that took a picture of an Iowa scene and each artist is to do their own interpretation of the scene . Now this group is loaded with so many talented artists with so much more experience than I have ( I am constantly learning from them all ! ) . Each person can use as much artistic interpretation as they want as long as the photo remains the basic concept . I am so looking forward to seeing the ideas that people come up with . I must say that when I got the photo I was a bit out of sorts . I don 't do a lot of landscapes , even though I do enjoy them when I do . I struggled for many months over how I could put my own creative spin on this scene . I considered zooming in on and making the windmill my main focus . Alright , I have to admit , this idea came about purely from the realization that the windmill was the closest thing in the photo to my " flower comfort zone " . I scratched that idea after unsuccessfully contemplating how I could do that and still include any of the actual landscape to let it remain the photo concept in some way . I literally sat on this for about three months without doing anything . Finally I decided to make it more my style by concentrating on the color . I love color . I really am drawn to pure color with lots of energy . With that in mind I zoomed in more on the field of grasses , which in the actual photo are not really so in the forefront . The barn was another issue for me - I don 't usually paint buildings . By setting it more behind the grasses I was able to avoid making it the focus of the painting . Therefore I was able to more make the subject the beauty of Iowa fields blowing in the wind on a summer day - which - is there anything better ( although I admit , I am a little biased ! ) ? I usually have a subject in mind when I paint , but this time I started with a color palette idea and went from there . My daughter and I were out shopping one day when I saw this beautiful scarf in a little different color scheme . I was so inspired by it ! For the next week or so I kept thinking about the colors in that scarf . Even though I loved the scarf I had been showing some restraint that day and didn 't buy it - so I kept just running the ideas in my head . But alas , restraint - shmaint , I went back and bought the scarf so I could use the color idea and get to wear the new scarf ! I just loved the combination of that teal blue and orange along with the hint of those sap green leaves ( double click on the painting and you will be able to see more detail ) . I wasn 't sure at first what flower I would actually paint , but I knew that I wanted flowering branches in a large crock , mostly because I wanted the white of the crock to offset the dramatic teal color so it wouldn 't over power . I did a lot of research until I discovered a flower I was not really familiar with - the flowering quince . After the research and the painting , this is now on my list of must - gets for the spring planting . I snuck in one more of the cameo style head studies , before I plunge into a couple of bigger projects that will take up quite a bit more time . This one was inspired by a vintage photo I stumbled across of a twenties or thirties era actress ( not sure who the actress was , no one that I recognized ) . What I loved about the photo that inspired me was that her hair was tied up in a fancy scarf , with just the little jet black wave curls sticking out . I chose to change it into more of a head band style scarf with no designs , just a bold royal blue against her dark hair . I wanted very strong features - a strong nose , chin and jaw , to give it more drama . Although is did the painting after finding inspiration in the photo , I wasn 't painting the woman in the photo per say . I just wanted to do a woman with dark hair . The funny thing was , about half way through the painting I got to looking at it and realized that , unintentionally , the woman I was painting had taken on quite a few features of an actual woman I know . I asked my daughter who she thought the painting looked like - and right away she named our friend . It 's funny how we pull inspiration from different places without even realizing it . Here is a glimpse of my latest head study . Once again , I am going for the idea of the classic cameo ( as in the old fashioned broaches ) , with some modern twists . Every one in my family who saw this being painted immediately commented with something along the lines of " wow ! Big hair . . . " . You betcha it is - and I love it . If I had not been born quite as pale as I am - this would have been my hair . I love to see a woman of color with a big funky fro announcing her confident outlook on the world . I think it amazingly fun and beautiful all at the same time . Okay , I have had a few people ask me if I am no longer painting flowers - the answer , of course , is never ! I am actually in the middle of working on a bigger project that I am currently a little stumped on . The background is giving me some grief , leaving me with not much to show anyone . I feel like I am , however , on the verge of a breakthrough ( ha ! ) . So I will keep you all posted when I have a little more to show . Until then , I continue to have fun doing these modern cameos . . . Ever since , I have been playing around with small head studies - in particular profile views of women , with those cameos in mind . However , I wanted to put more of a modern twist on it . I liked the idea of throwing some color into the mix , with lots of loose brush strokes - all of these elements put together making cameo head study number two . . . I have gotten pleasantly side tracked lately . I have found myself searching out old , beautiful vintage photos , especially those of the very feminine kind , with women and children . It all started while I was reading a blog that I follow called A Holy Experience written by Ann Voskamp , author of A Thousand Gifts . Early in January she challenged her readers to A Joy Dare , which basically gives readers a list of three things to search out daily and record ( either by word or photograph ) that they are thankful for . The three daily things are challenging and require you to think . It was on the day that it asked me to think of " one gift old , one new , one blue " that I am thankful for , that I remembered a beautiful blue cameo broach that had been given to me by my mother in law many years ago . It was similar to one that my own mother had . For both of those reasons , it is very special to me . I love how beautiful cameos are - so feminine and classic . This is what got me in a vintage frame of mind - which lead to searching the Internet for vintage photos that resembled that " cameo " look . Of course , it didn 't take long before I took that idea to my sketch pad , and then eventually to canvas in a series of head studies that lean towards that vintage style . With this first head study , I wanted to really try and capture that vintage feel , along with the soft femininity . In the next few weeks I will sprinkle a few more similar head studies into my posts - some with a bit more modern edge to them . Until then . . . It seems like right around January every year I am suddenly in the mood to paint spring flowers . Even this year , when Iowa weather has been amazingly mild until recently , I am longing to be digging in the dirt and smelling the lilacs . I finished this painting up yesterday , in the midst of one of our first snow storms of the year . Now if I would have been driving yesterday in the snow my thoughts would have been somewhere along the lines of " Why do we even choose to live in Iowa ? " But since I was tucked away warm in my home , I could look out the window and think how beautiful the falling snow looked . Give me another month of this weather and I will need to focus on this painting and remember that winter doesn 't last forever - spring will come . As 2011 was coming to an end and 2012 appeared I was just starting this painting and I was glad to see 2011 go and was looking forward to a new year . Last year was not a great year for my family and I - we dealt with a lot of sadness and one trial after another . When January first rolled around , I was sitting at my dining room table for my morning time of prayer and Bible reading and I suddenly thought of a verse from the Old Testament : " Because of the LORD 's great love we are not consumed , for his compassions never fail . They are new every morning ; great is your faithfulness . " ( Lamentations 3 : 22 - 23 ) I love how we can always turn to God 's word and find hope ! It was this scripture that was on my mind as I painted these flowers . Winters may be long , nights may be long - but spring comes , morning comes and with it , hope of God 's mercy , there for us . Posted by This is something a little out of the ordinary for me , but I have to take a proud momma moment and show you all my son , Zach 's video that he just recently posted to his facebook page . I love it because it is such a great chance to see the creative process in action . Zach usually works in acrylics and he has a completely different art style than I do - very loose , bold strokes . I love his brushwork . I hope to someday learn to be a little more loose with my paintings as he is ( talk about a twist of irony - the parent hoping to be a little more like the kid ! Ha ! ) Hope you all enjoy . I am a wife and mother from Iowa . My husband , Craig and I have five children ranging from the ages of two to twenty . We own a small electrical company that I help out with and I homeschool my children . I am also an artist . I mainly work in oils and am passionate about painting flowers . It is something that brings me a great amount of pleasure . Most importantly , I am a Christian . My life belongs to the One who purchased it on the cross . It is my goal in life , in whatever I do , to bring glory to the name of Jesus .
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I know it 's not just them . I don 't like conflict . I try to please . I have probably been wishy - washy trying to get them to like me . My boss keeps telling me that I assume too much , that I make decisions based on people 's body language , and that things I think are obvious aren 't always . I have been listening , and paying attention to that . I stop and ask myself , did I convey or interpret that fully ? Should I stop and ask for more information , or clarify something I said ? Every night I go home and practice being a better communicator . They don 't want to talk to me . I start conversations , and they refuse to engage . They walk away . They are abrupt . Or they argue . They tell me that I am wrong . That I can 't do whatever it is I am trying to do . They tell me they already have a system in place for that . One of them is especially abrasive and bossy . I 'm supposed to be the supervisor , but EVERYTHING is a debate , even simple things , like asking her to wait to pass out materials for a craft until after I give directions . She wants to tell me that 's not how it 's always been done , that I don 't know what I 'm doing . She argues with me in front of the children and complains about me to the parents . It 's unprofessional and ugly . I constantly have to decided between sticking my ground as the supervisor , to run a program that I feel comfortable with , and giving in to her . The other two staff follow her . If I give in , back off and let them do as they wish , they are happy . They keep the kids happy , as long as I am not actively engaged in their activity . If I stand my ground , to do things the way I want , they refuse to help , or actively sabotage whatever I 'm doing . We have to have 30 minutes of P . E . class everyday . It has a different name , but it 's basically P . E . Right before P . E , we have enrichment time . It 's usually a craft or activity . If I am leading the craft , I can 't always stop to set up P . E . I give them a list with the name of the game we are playing and all of the equipment needed so they can get it out near the end of the enrichment time . But they never do . So I finish enrichment , and have to scramble to set up PE … they complained about the transitions being long . They either need to help , or get over it . I can 't be in two different rooms at the same time . Last week we were playing a game that involved jumping into hula hoops arranged on the ground . I told them to leap like frogs , and was on the ground leap frogging around complete with frog sounds , crossing my eyes and pretending to catch flies . They thought it was funny , I wanted them to copy me . But the other staff , she was stomping from hoop to hoop to hoop mumbling " keep moving . keep moving . keep moving . keep moving . keep moving . keep moving . keep moving . " nothing else , not engaging with any of them , not changing her tone , not doing anything other than projecting misery and animosity across the group . I knew if I said anything , she 'd just argue with me and the kids would be left standing around to watch a completely unprofessional exchange . So I decided not to start something with her , instead I just acted sillier and sillier attempting to compensate for her dark mood . I didn 't like working with her right then either , but I tried not to let it interfere with the job I was hired to do . Then next day , I took away all the chairs . There is no reason kids should spend 4 hours sitting at desks in daycare after a full day of sitting in desks at school . I set up toys everywhere , and tried to use a group activity with blocks on the floor instead of a typical lecture style for our weekly social skills lesson . It could have been really fun and interactive … except the other three staff refused to help . They sat in the back , laughing at me . I got up to take care go something quickly , and realized the abrasive one had set her phone up and was videotaping me struggling to teach the lesson . I have never felt so betrayed . We are supposed to be a team . I don 't know what they were planning to do with the video . When I talked to my boss she said " There you go assuming again . You just assumed inside your head that they intended to do something unsavory with that video , but you didn 't ask them . " I don 't know how I am supposed to ask them ? When she realized I had noticed the camera she ran and grabbed it , and glared at me . If she was intending to do something positive with it she wouldn 't have acted so guilty . I went into the office to text with my boss . I told her I 'd go back out and finish the day . It was PE time , and raining outside , so I set up the game in an unused gym type room that my boss has used multiple times for activities on rainy days . They same abrasive staff came yelling at me that I can 't use that room . I told her we have used it before and no one has told me otherwise . If it is a problem and a facility manager brings it to my attention , I would be happy to take responsibility and relocate . She yelled that I don 't listen to anyone , and " That 's exactly what our boss talked to you about last week ! " and stormed off . I told her to lead the activity then , and spent the rest of the day in the office . My boss didn 't talk to me about anything like that last week , and no one has said anything about not using the room . The conversation that my boss DID have with both of us last week , was that she can not argue with me about every little thing because it is immature and hostile . She is NOT the supervisor , and I AM allowed to make decisions . I spend the rest of the day hiding in the office . I didn 't even attempt to help . If I bring up her inappropriate behavior during the PE , she will just point out that my behavior after that was even more inappropriate , because I didn 't even stay out in classroom . I messed up , not going back out there . I should have done it even though it was uncomfortable . The whole thing just broke me down so much that I couldn 't figure out how to . I tried several times to stop crying , get a grip , go out there and get through the day . I am embarrassed that I couldn 't . Supervisors should be able to suck it up . I 'm mad , because regardless of everything leading up to that , the last thing that happened before we left was me doing the wrong thing . It will overshadow everything else that happened that day . Even if my boss come in to talk to us , she will have to acknowledge that I did wrong too , which is fair . But it will be the only thing that they take away from the meeting . My boss doesn 't work on Mondays so she won 't be there as support or sounding board . It 's just me , with the three of them . I have cuban pastries to bring in as a peace offering . I would like to apologize for anything that 's upset them and propose a resolve to fix it . I 'm afraid there isn 't anyway to fix this at all and I will lose my job . A job that I love and worked so hard to make happen . A job that I could be really really good at . And work isn 't the only place I 'm feeling the sting of rejection . I 'm also having a hard time with my RA . She 's young , self - involved , and not very helpful . I don 't care for her . I 've been trying to get the cable set up in my room for 7 weeks , she can 't be bothered to help , even thought EVERY other place I ask says she 's the ONLY one who can do it . It makes me feel unimportant . I asked her for help because someone had double parked my car in and I had to leave for work . She was in her room , but refused to come out . She said to call transportation . I told her I don 't use the phone , she said " just text your boss and get over it . this is really out of your control . " An hour and a half later , when I was sitting outside still waiting for transportation to come , she came downstairs and was like " You are STILL here ? " YES , obviously , dumbass ! She took one look , knew who the car belonged to , knocked on his door , and he moved it . Seriously less than 3 minutes of her precious time is all it took . Had she just done it when I asked her for help , I wouldn 't have even been late for work . Tonight , she was having a game night , and I decided to go . My coworkers can 't get over their distaste for me , and I decided I didn 't want to act the same way towards my RA . I decided to go to support her by going to her game night and having a good time . I got there and she was playing X - Box with another RA . I said hi , but she never even acknowledged me . I waited for an hour for the game night to start , but no one else came , and she kept pretending like I wasn 't there , so I left . I feel so beat down and rejected . It 's hard to find the confidence and courage to keep at it anymore . At work and with my RA … . I show up , expecting to be the punching bag these days . Posted on September 24 , 2015 by teenieyogini Reply I found a Bikram studio right by my work ! I signed up for 4 months unlimited and have taken a few classes . It 's a wonderful , adorable little studio . There are WAY less people than the one I just moved from , but a hot room is a hot room , and this one is always filled with sweaty yoga loving folks . I love it ! I have SIX classes , and I 'm working almost full time . I was hired for 30 hours / week , but I 'm allowed to work up to 40 . I 'm overwhelmed a lot . The situation with my co - workers is still miserable . I left work crying tonight … most nights . I sit awake at night , trying to make it better . My boss has assured me that my co - workers are a tough group , but I still feel like a horrible supervisor . It makes facing the mirrors difficult … and important . I 'm convinced that the solution to my office problems will materialize after camel one day . I need school . I need work . I need food . And I need yoga . It 's not just a hobby . I am really happy to be getting to know a new yoga family in my new city . I feel more grounded here now . But tonight , I need to write . I need to get the thoughts out . I moved . I 'm living in the dorms , studying rec therapy , working in the field . Everything actually worked out . I just have the biggest pit of doom in my stomach though , like something terrible is about to happen . I hate making mistakes , but sometimes it feels like that 's all I do . My new co - workers , they are tough . I don 't think they like me much . I keep trying to fix it . Every time they get up the courage to complain to me , I listen calmly , and work honestly to fix what they dislike . I try my best not to get mad or defensive . My boss is pretty neat . She 's got tons of experience , and she 's great at what she does . Some days we chat and laugh a lot in the office , but other times I get the feeling she doesn 't like me too much either . It just seems like I can 't do anything right . At the campout , I locked my keys in my car and everyone sat up waiting for AAA to come until 2 in the morning with me . Yesterday , I went to have lunch in my office , and my purse wasn 't there . My co - workers and I searched everywhere but couldn 't find it , so we asked the manager to watch the security tapes . He says he saw me walking in with it , but no one went into my office besides me and my own staff . They never saw it leave the room . The only way to replace the prescriptions that I keep in there is with a police report , so we had to fill one out . The officer who came has a toddler recently diagnosed with Autism . She asked a lot about my program . I was able to give her some local resources and took her out to meet some of my kids . One of the kids got Powerade Zero on my legs and I ended up having to leave work early since without my bag , I didn 't have any allergy medications . I went straight from the office to the student health center where Dr . V helped me out . She 's the best person that I 've met down here . Before I even got to campus , she was working on replacing my EpiPens , and helped my legs stop burning . I stayed with her for a while then went back home . … only to find my missing bag safe in my kitchen . I was so relieved ! Even though I missed 2 hours of work , stressed everyone out , and paid for new EpiPens , I felt much better knowing that it was all there and OK . I feel like maybe it was one of those G - d things , and I was supposed to meet her . I miss yoga a lot . I tried to take a class on campus last week . It was cold yoga in the dark , very slow , no back bends … mostly just laying around on the floor in positions I usually sleep in . I never felt any stretch . At the end , we were laying there in savasana , and the instructor came to stand over me , one leg on either side of my body … I pretty much freaked out . I hit him . I 've been jumpy around people lately . More so than I have in a really long time . I walked out of a doctor 's appointment on campus because he got too close . Yesterday , I was waiting for a friend in the break room at her office , and a guy walked in and closed the door … . so I left . Dr . V thinks that it 's PTSD but I 'm not convinced . I need yoga . Real yoga . Nice , predictable , Bikram yoga . I need 90 minutes in front of those mirrors to deal with myself . I mostly like it down here , but I 've lost touch with me . Yoga will help . I found a studio near my work . I just have to get brave and go now .
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I am 36 attractive , professional , successful , educated and tons of fun ( you know , the type of woman that seeks your advice ) and I am in a bit of a relationship predicament . I am trying to casually date and not take anyone too seriously , and WHAM a super amazing guy lands in my lap just a bit too soon for me to fully appreciate him . He is everything I have always wanted , kind , whip smart ( mechanical engineer ) , cute , fun , silly , well - traveled , successful , minimal baggage ( no ex - wife and no kids , but wants them ) and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet when we are together . I enjoy his company and the physical relationship ( behind closed doors ) is GREAT ( for me , anyway ) . Here 's the kicker … . he is so nervous around me that he gets really ( like super , duper ) clingy and can 't quite ' get there ' many times in bed . He 's frustrated and I feel bad for him but also understand that this situation is about what 's going on in his head and not about me … so I remain patient and understanding and open to any and every suggestion to … ahem , assist . I think that issue will pass in time , but it is making him increasingly insecure around me , and resulting in him acting even more clingy outside the bedroom . Now , when I say clingy , I don 't mean he wants to spend every waking moment with me ( although he has said as much , he can keep his cool ) it 's more that I can 't be within 5 feet of him without him trying to make out with me … even mid blow - dry while getting ready for work . He is amazing and I don 't want to hurt him , but it 's just a bit overwhelming to have someone ' tethered ' to you ( and your face ) anytime you are in the same room . It 's becoming a turn - off and I am not quite sure how to address it . If I try to " let it go " I can see myself getting fed up , pushing way back and eventually walking . I also don 't want him any more nervous around me than he already is … . he has already said things like " I 've never felt this strongly for someone before " , " You make me nervous because there are so many things I love about you " , " I really want ' us ' to work " … dream come true , right ? But all I feel is suffocated … . what is my problem and how can I address it with him in a sensitive way ? A true dilemma if there ever was one , Jessica . Thanks for sharing . Sort of reminds me of this old post about guys who fall in love waaay too quickly . Dream man turns out to have one maybe - fatal flaw , and his fate rests entirely in your hands . That 's a lot to think about . And it 's one of the interesting things about being the CEO of your love life ; you 're in complete control , you make rational decisions , and it 's not nearly as exciting as being a lovesick puppy like your boyfriend . The intense highs of blinding chemistry are like a drug , and we crave the drug - even when it brings out the worst in us . Which brings us to your boyfriend , who , truly , can 't help himself right now . I think we 've all been in such situations where we are so intoxicated by another human being that we give away all semblance of control and self - respect - because that 's what we 're really feeling . I call it the Pedestal Principle : once you put someone up on a pedestal , he is immediately looking down at you . Therefore , the only way to turn this ship around is to play dating coach with him . Walk him through your logic . Hold up the mirror to him . Let him know that you love him , appreciate him , and have never been happier with a man - but that his nerves aren 't serving him well . You WANT to see him succeed . You 're on his team . There 's nothing to be nervous about . Point out that if he was with a woman who was similarly tethered to him , he might feel smothered , too . The key is not to make him " wrong " for feeling what he 's feeling or doing what he 's doing . Just tap into the idea that he wants to please you and show him how to please you . You 're not telling him to cut off PDA entirely ; you just want to chop vegetables in peace . You 're not telling him to stop saying he loves you ; you just want him to relax and enjoy the safe space you 've created together . The important part is that he feels SAFE ; you 're not threatening to dump him or putting his head on the chopping block . You 're educating him about how he can be a better boyfriend and make you happier . He should want to do so - and if he can 't , then you have a much tougher decision to make down the road . Good luck . Readers , have you ever been in the boyfriend 's shoes ? Where you 're so in love that you can 't help but coming across as weak and needy ? Were you able to turn it around ? Or did you get dumped because of the Pedestal Principle ? Many female writers have advised women to date around , and get their desire for badboys and alpha men out of their system before finally settling for the best beta man they can marry . Many women describe this as " waiting until they can appreciate the man they will marry . " Even Sheryl Sandberg wrote , in her book , that women should use their 20 's to date every kind of " wrong man " that they are attracted to , then eventually marry a good - guy , whose sense of responsibility and equality will EVENTUALLY be the most attractive thing to women … . which , of course , it won 't . Because what that essentially means is that the man they will eventually marry is NOT the type of man that they are viscerally attracted to . Rather , it is a man with whom she can intellectually rationalize a relationship , but lacks the physical draw of the men she is truly aroused by . Otherwise she would have dated guys like this earlier , and would not make comments like " I met him too soon to appreciate him . " She needs to RATIONALIZE her arousal for the man she marries , though she never needed to do so for the men she dated previously . And attraction can not be rationalized and still have any basis in fact . I believe that this is what is happening to you here . You meant to date around casually with men you found arousing , and to have fun - and perhaps to eventually get married . And here you met a man with whom you can intellectually see a future - a man with whom you can intellectually rationalize a relationship , but who does not truly stimulate you on a visceral level . To put it really crassly , a man you marry , not a man you f - k . And his lack of " alpha " is coming off as clingy - ness to you , and is further reducing your attraction to him , even as he attempts to show you how attracted he is to YOU . You see , I have enough relationship experience to know that a woman who is truly attracted to a man is AROUSED by his advances , not turned off by them . When a man makes advances toward a woman and she is attracted to him , it is sexy . When she is not turned on by him it is creepy / clingy / insert other negative descriptor . Sounds like you are not really turned on by him , but like the idea of him . And , poor guy , sounds like he is exceptionally turned on by you , literally to the point of dysfunction . My only advice to you ( for whatever it might be worth ) is to truly examine your feelings as to whether you are really aroused by this guy , or whether your attraction to him is more intellectual ( he fulfills your lists ) . If you find him arousing , ask yourself why you are getting turned off by him . If you don 't find him arousing , let him go to find someone who does , and save him the pain of your inevitable rejection before he invests more of himself into you . Jeremy , It 's possible that you could be on to something , but I think your analysis is reliant on a fair amount of conjecture , and it is very Red Pill in its origin . Sometimes it can be flat - out annoying to be smothered all the time , even if you were initially very attracted to the person . I don 't think she would be turned on by his incessant advances even if he was an alpha , but then again , most alphas wouldn 't be behaving the way he 's behaving . Reply 1 . 1 . 1 Jeremy Chance , I admitted to the conjecture in my post , and cautioned the OP to consider whether it applies to her or not . Her language was somewhat telling , though . My 2nd post about the book recommendation should be helpful regardless . Part of " upping the alpha " is , in fact , knowing when to back off . Meh . Could just be cultural . If he 's Latino , this behavior is completely normal . Heck , getting proposed to on a first date is common as well . He may also equate physical touch with love ( as does my partner ) so he 's just saying I like you a lot . My partner is exactly this way ( after years and years together ) , but he 's a first generation immigrant . I too find it annoying and stifling on occasion ( no , I really * do * need to get dressed now ) , but that 's because I 'm German and we aren 't particularly affectionate people . My friend 's first boyfriend in high school was very much like this . He not only wanted to spend every waking moment with her , but when they were together , he constantly draped himself all over her , to the point where she would have to physically push him away while telling him flat - out to leave her alone . There were times when even I 'd get frustrated with him because he wouldn 't give her one inch of space when we were hanging out . It made it very difficult for me to talk to her when he was literally always in her face . It 's stifling , like a little needy child who always wants to be picked up and held . I think it sounds like this woman is physically attracted to her man ( after all , they are getting intimate ) , but his constantly needing reassurance in the form of physical affection is what 's turning her off . Reply … Michelle When I was in my first " serious relationship " in high school it was all good , until we wanted to try and live together the start of my junior year - into my senior year { in high school } worst mistake ever . We were stupid and young and thought we 'd be together didn 't happen needless to say , because he turned very controlling , insecure and very very clingy . When I say clingy I mean this dude was the definition of " clingy " I couldn 't even walk to the bathroom , without him literally trying to follow me in . I couldn 't sit on the couch without him being literally on me . I couldn 't walk to the kitchen , without him being right behind me . I couldn 't have any time to myself without him literally being right beside me the entire time . When I wanted to hangout with friends - he wanted to come . My friend , literally had to tell him that I wanted space and had to spell out " NOT WITH YOU JUST HER FRIENDS " lol I love having a blunt friend at times { lol } but it would make him lose his shit . Thankfully , he didn 't have a phone , so he couldn 't call me a million times because he would have . He would just pout in the corner , while I explained that it wasn 't because I didn 't like him , it was because he never gave me space . It was a VERY exhausting relationship that eventually ended because it became increasingly worse . @ Jessica , what do you mean " you are not taking it seriously " , what the heck are you waiting for , you 're 36 ! ! What are you waiting for ? He sounds great and attentive . If you need a minute to blow dry your hair , lock the bathroom door or say , " baby , give me a minute to finish ___ " . ( This is what I do ) I was so afraid that might be the case . Thank you / curse you ( haha ) for making me realize it IS just because I 'm not that into him that his CONSTANT affection drives me crazy . Not very nice of me . Not really because I was very attracted to my ex in high school I was with him for years , but the problem was that he was very insecure with himself { I should have seen this as a warning sign } which eventually made him become controlling and very clingy to me when we lived together . He was so insecure , that I couldn 't even be around other guys because he said that " he didn 't want me to cheat on him " and after awhile it was starting to make me very un - attracted to him because of this . So the constant attention he gave me was wayyyyyyyyyy to much because I knew where it stemmed from . Like I said in my comment before - he was the DEFINITION of clingy . I agree with Michelle . I had a boyfriend who I was initially attracted to as well , and he 's still a very attractive man . But he was immature , clingy and controlling with anger outbursts , which does not fly with me at all , considering i 've already had those experiences in my past and it immediately turned me off . Why do people feel that gender is a defense ? Some issues have nothing to do with gender . In reality many psychological issues have nothing to do with gender . Interesting post and insights . I 'm sure they apply in many cases but I can 't help feeling that your interpretation of the situation is significantly coloured by your own experiences . I agree that in general , sexual advances are annoying when the attraction is not mutual but the OP very clearly stated that she is attracted to him and enjoys what they have both emotionally and physically . Are you suggesting that she 's lying to herself about the physical attraction because of other positives ? This sentence of yours baffled me : " If you find him arousing , ask yourself why you are getting turned off by him . " She told you why … it 's too much to be hugged and kissed and touched at every turn : P . Sometimes there can be too much of a good thing … On the one hand she states that he is amazing and fulfills her every criteria . On the other she states that she met him too soon to appreciate him ( big red flag , see my post above ) , finds his behavior " clingy " both in the bedroom and outside of it , and is worried about getting fed up and walking because he is being too affectionate / needy . She states that she feels " suffocated " and asks Evan what her problem is . This is VERY telling ! She is NOT asking Evan what to do to help her boyfriend feel more secure or change his behaviour . She has enough insight to recognize that SHE has a problem - here she has a guy that is amazing , whose biggest flaw is showing her too much affection - and she is turned OFF by him ! She is asking Evan " what is wrong with ME . " Her problem is that she just doesn 't feel as attracted to this guy as she should , given his attraction to her and how well he fits her lists of criteria . It is a psychological reality that most ( mentally healthy ) people do not act clingy in relationships unless they feel an imbalance of attraction or power . In other words , they feel that they like the person more than the person likes them , and become " clingy " because they are afraid of losing the other person ( and by then , it is usually already too late ) . In Jessica 's story , why might this guy be acting so " clingy " ? Could be due to his own psychological problems ( in which case he might benefit from counselling ) , or could be due his perception that she doesn 't like him as much as he likes her ( as she has alluded to with her language ) . Hence his clinginess , hence his displays of overt affection to her , and hence his willingness to pleasure her in the bedroom without being able to experience pleasure in return ( possibly feeling unworthy of it ) . Scaramoushe wrote : " This sentence of yours baffled me : " If you find him arousing , ask yourself why you are getting turned off by him . " She told you why … it 's too much to be hugged and kissed and touched at every turn : P . Sometimes there can be too much of a good thing … " It is another psychological reality that people view overt affectionate behavior differently depending on their own attraction . If they like the person , overt affection is a turn - on . If not , then not . Believe me , if I had an amazing , attractive woman who wanted to put her hands all over me all day , I would never leave my house . On the other hand , if a woman I did not find attractive was constantly pawing me , I would be turned off . In the honeymoon stage of a relationship , conventional wisdom states that " they can not keep their hands off of each other " . It becomes a problem only if it is one - sided . Where my postings could be WAY off - I am making the assumption that Jessica 's attraction to this guy may not be terribly strong . I am assuming this due to her language and his behaviour . But I could be wrong , since I never met either of them . Hence my challenge to her to assess whether or not she finds him truly arousing . If she does feel strong attraction to him , and just needs him to tone it down a bit , she should get him the book I recommended . If , however , she truly introspects and realizes that in spite of his meeting her intellectual criteria she just doesn 't " feel it " for him , this would help her realize why she feels the way she does and why he is acting the way he is . Sorry to write again , after such a long post , but I had one afterthought . If you are truly aroused and attracted to this guy , and the ONLY problem is that he needs to " up his alpha " , get him a copy of " The Married Man Sex Primer " by Athol Kay . Best book on the subject that I have ever read , written for men with this EXACT problem . I am a very affectionate person so I do appreciate a man who like to kiss and touch often . However , I am in a similar relationship as Jessica . My boyfriend is wonderful and treats me in a way that I only dreamed of before but he definitely adores me and needs my constant affection . Most of the time this is not a problem but even the best things in life , like ice cream or affection , can get you a little sick after a while . A few months back , we were having a wonderful Saturday together , it was the first beautiful spring weekend and we were taking full advantage , we went on adventures , he did romantic things , we made out in the shadow etc but at the end of the day his constant touch was beginning to be a bit much . We were walking hand in hand and he said to me " you notice that I always have to have my hands on you , I just find you irresistible . " I acknowledged that I did notice but sometimes , I just needed a little space . I also assured him that I love his affection , that I know how much he adores me and how he treats me like an absolute queen and that I too find him irresistible . " He understood completely and now knows that if I pull my hand away or sit by myself its just me needing a little physical space . Reply 4 Robin It sounds to me like this man is giving to receive . My view is I admit , clouded by my last relationship that sounds exactly like this . I stayed for 3 years . I never got to the point where I could bend over to get something out of the oven without him thrusting behind me . I tried , for I thought that was love . What I finally discovered was it was a man very insecure with himself desperately trying to get my constant approval and validation . It 's not easy up on that pedestal , it 's downright exhausting for I became the center of his Universe and felt I held his happiness in my hands . No thank you , but best of luck to you . You said he 's trying to get approval and validation so give him it . He never got it as a child probably in might be that deep . Show him that he doesn 't need to be insecure around you and that you love him deeply . Help him through it , and the insecurity will leave . I so agree with that he is giving to receive . That 's how I felt . If we were together all he wanted to do was make out . Everywhere I went , no matter what room , he would grab me to make out . I tried to explain how much I loved his affection and attention but would like some space and maybe cut it down a bit . I loved him but with so much making out the entire day when it came to evening intimacy , I was exhausted and only looking for space . He would get upset that I wouldn 't initiate sex and I explained I never had the opportunity because he always was and when I had any " space " at all I took it . There is such a thing as " too much of a good thing " . I continuously expressed my needs . He didn 't seem to care or his answer was " I don 't know how to do less " . ( Which btw seemed strange to me . He is a very educated man . ) I truly believe he was " giving to receive " . He was controlling , insecure , paranoid , insanely jealous , trying to make me who he fantasized as being the perfect mate , that is after I was removed from the initial pedestal . Oh did I mention we are 58 years old and dated for 15 months and I 'm pretty certain he was like this his whole life . They don 't change …… It was annoying . We couldn 't go anywhere without him thinking it ok to have his face stuck to mine . I love " attention " but PDA to this extreme and so soon was off putting . When I ignored his call after date 3 ( after pleading with him to give me space ) the texts started … . long … long texts at all hours of the night ! ! ! Wow … I dodged a bullet there I reckon ! ! . So I agree with Robin … . this could be a sign of a deeper issue particularly if you have asked him nicely and explained your feelings but he cannot understand or respect your boundaries . . that to me is a red flag . Reply 6 Candace I was reading this post and it occurred to me that perhaps Jessica thinks he is extremely clingy because she is not at the point where she likes him as much as he likes her . They have not reached the mutual ' likeness ' level because I think if it was mutual the attention would not be classified as ' clingy ' . I know this mismatch has happened to me before with other men in the past where I thought the guy was clingy but now I have a lovely fiancee ( thanks to Evan 's advice ! ) who loves my attention and praise and finds me irresistible but I wouldn 't classify him as clingy because it 's mutual . First , I want to state outright that I 'm a bit of a fan of engineers and related types . They are often regarded as boring by many women ( especially in Northern California where they are present in abundance ) . Say what you want , but it takes a high degree of intelligence , perseverance and * conscientiousness * in order to make it into and through an engineering program and then actually produce enough to be employed in the field . Those qualities translate into being good partner material , imho . However , we only know what Jessica tells us about her bf , who is great but struggling with issues in the bedroom . We can guess that this relationship is rather young since the kinks are still getting worked out with their relationship issues and she hasn 't confronted him about his over affectionate ways . These are things that usually get worked out in the first six months ( again , imo ) so I am prone to believe that this relationship is younger than that . Frankly , I think a lot of the commenters have way overblown the issue . If it 's early in the relationship , they are still working out the kinks of their sexual relationship . As long as he is able to get an erection , everything else can be worked out together . Nice guys might not have as much sexual experience and therefore might need to practice " holding off " with you . If this has because a big issues , why not try suggest that you guys go on a sensual feast and an orgasm fast . Enjoy exploring each others bodies as much as you each want , but no orgasms ! What this does is allow each of you to figure out pleasing foreplay and will have the unintended effect of driving you both crazy , but he will be freed up from the pressure of having to perform . Usually works wonders for a lot of guys . To deal with his octopus arms outside of the bedroom , you could tell him that it will interfere with the feast - Chances are he will gladly comply . Good luck and keep us posted ! ! 🙂 First , I have to say that I agree with all the positive things said about engineers . Intelligence , adaptability , keen comprehension , generally good guys , etc … . Not all of us ( oops ) but most of us . Second , I 've had some of the issues that the bf has . I had one woman I dated where I couldn 't finish the job and I know it was psychological because I was more concerned with making sure that she was satisfied and I thought that she wouldn 't be satisfied if I went first so I held it ( too long ) . I certainly had no problem coming to the party , just couldn 't finish the party for myself . Not only that , but she once told me about all the shortcomings of her previous lovers and it made me worry that I would be next on her list , and I probably was next ( it was also wrong of her to tell me those things ) . Next , I wonder if / when he 's going to realize that she isn 't all the great things that he thinks she is ( how could anybody be that great ? ) and if he 's going to come back to earth with a thud . Only time will tell but it sounds like he doesn 't have a lot of dating experience . Hopefully they can work it out and have a mutually fulfilling and mature and long - lasting relationship . The issue is very very clear . And has been mentioned here a number of times . The guy is not a head case . The poster just does not like the guy as much as he likes her . Or she does not find him physically attractive enough for her . He is good enough for her to date intellectually but she is not completely into him physically . She feels that she is settling for this guy because he checks off all the right provider / mate boxes but he 's not the sexy guy that she is deeply attracted to . She needs to see this for herself . Do the guy a favor and him go . Let him find someone else who will ind his advances " sexy and fun " and " not clingy " . He is clingy because he senses that you are not completely into him and as such is trying harder to " win " your affections . But this will never work as it only causes you to pull away and see him as more " clingy " . Resentment on both sides will build . Wow , thank you all for your insight , I didn 't even know my question was posted until today … . and I did let him go about 2 months ago , shortly after asking for Evan 's advice . I think many of you are correct , the attraction for me wasn 't at a level that I could see myself being happy with long term , but I CAN say that it was a direct result of the behavior exhibited . I am a VERY affectionate person and was more than happy to don lingerie without being asked ( I LOVE feeling sexy ) , seduce him regularly by showing up to his house all done up and ready for action and always game make out passionately behind a corner , just out of view , in public … . the straw was when I had a house full of people for my Birthday weekend and I was sitting on the kitchen counter talking to my brother towards the end of the night and he literally would not allow me to talk because he kept kissing me … when I ( gently ) pushed him away and said " babe , I 'm having a conversation right now , can we continue that later ? " He burst into full body sobs collapsing on my shoulders and begged me not to leave him … needless to say he cleared the room faster than a skunk doing a hand stand and I spent the next hour trying to console him . The story gets juicier , but that is all I am willing to share with the public , let 's just say it didn 't end well and despite waiting a couple weeks for the dust to settle , I knew in that moment it was over . As for the " Not being ready " I had ended a semi - serious relationship merely a few weeks before , one where we talked about marriage and mortgages and were house shopping … . and I also lost my beloved pup of 16 years the day before we met in person … so it was less about me wanting to " date around " and more about not being 100 % emotionally available to anyone for a couple of ( very good ) reasons . When I ended things , that is also what I shared with him , the " why 's " and timing , etc . He begged me to not end things , begged me to call his ex - GF because she would tell me what a terrible mistake I was making , told me he wouldn 't let me go , etc . . Ok , this goes beyond just a difference in amount of affection desired . He had serious mental issues . It 's good that you got away from him , but be very careful because that sounds very creepy . Funny how often that word gets abused by calling nice , but unattractive guys creepy , but that was truly creepy . That 's an example of when the word really applies . Good for you . I full - heartedly agree with your decision . I am dating a guy with similar behavior now who admitted he has a mental imbalance . I am still trying to be understanding but it is hard being partly someone 's therapist and partner at the same time . In the end you have to do what 's best for you . I am discovering what that is now . We 'll see . Take the constant love , affection and attention while you can get . Way too often , do people find themselves in relationships with people who are either too busy , too tired , too neglectful or too disinterested to show that kind of love this fellow is showing you . The way I see it , you are very lucky . I am getting from him saying " I want us to work out " , that your man is worried that you might lose interest and / or cheat and eventually and break it off with him . As to ensure that this doesn 't happen , he is constantly making his presence felt . It might be a bit overbearing , but all you need to do is reciprocate this same exact behavior to reassure him , and he should feel a lot more comfortable with the relationship and ease up a bit . I dated a guy who had trouble finishing in bed for the same reasons . He is being overly affectionate because he wants you to know he thinks you are hot . He 's a dude and if a girls not thinking he 's sexy he doesn 't want to be with her . hes thinking you 'd be the same . Overcompensating . make him feel like you know he 's turned on by you buy him some inositol and together you will get off magically in like a week or so . " Coming on too strong " , all - at - once , is also a very fine way to dump someone - in a stealthy way . I noticed this after the last time I did it by accident . I noticed that by causing the girl to break up with me , she had to take responsibility for the breakup . It made it much easier for me to leave because I was asked to and she didn 't have to feel as much of the pain ( of rejection ) . She only felt empathy and patients and maybe some loss of respect for my manhood . But ! , I may dump her back for the way that she dumped me , * with no warning , no reason ( said selfish reasons ) and no recourse * . I thought we were tight but then she just threw me out like a badly outdated pair of shoes that she once loved . She wouldn 't have treated her best girlfriend that way . My mistake was saying I wanting more from the relationship when I already had it all . Love grows like the grass . You can 't see it growing but it does get thicker after a while somehow . I am dating a guy like this now , but worse . He is way too into me , clingy , bought me a very expensive necklace on the third date , etc . But no matter if he was the right guy or not this would be a huge turn off and it is . Coming on too strong and being needy and clingy turns women off . It is unattractive . It does not mean the woman is not attracted physically to him ( I was ) but it means that his behavior is very unattractive . and I am ready for a relationship . Another thing that bothers me is it puts too much pressure on me . He is so into me that I don 't want to hurt his feelings , knowing I am not even close to where he is at , and that my progression is normal whereas his is scary . I totally get that this behavior turns women off . Women need to be aware they do the SAME EXACT thing when they over function and over - talk / question about relationship status when the guy hasn 't made up his mind whether he wants to be in a relationship with you . ( Not saying YOU do this , but many women do … and don 't see it the same as the needy guy buying expensive gifts too early in a relationship ) . I started dating a guy 2 months ago . I found him very attractive and often left his house thinking " I could totally fall in love with him " . It all started though when I went to cuba with one of my girlfriends a couple weeks ago and he would want me to call him everyday , and say he misses me so much , and when I didnt call him right away he would leave me texts such as " whatever " … I am in the exact same boat and what is hard is we live together and I can 't even use the bathroom without him standing on the other side . My guy needs sex constantly ( sorry to be blunt ) and in the beginning it was great because it made me feel beautiful and wanted . After a year went by and I was keeping my mouth shut , I decided didn 't like how I was feeling about how I was being treated . I made a stand and told him that I was exhausted and run down and needed a break , but did my best to reassure him I was still in love with him . He totally took it the wrong way and made me feel like a liar because I didn 't say something sooner and now we are even more tethered to each other . I explained that I don 't like it when he kisses me roughly , he said he couldn 't help it he is so attracted to me and needs me . Now if I roll over with my back turned away he will wake me up to move me closer and has started fights over how I don 't want to touch him or I hate him at 2 or 3 in the morning . I feel so much for the writer . My scenario has turned me into a grumpy miserable person . Please go with your gut and do what is good and healthy for you . Gotta go he is calling . Good luck This is eerily familiar to me as well . Spent 3 years off and on with a " true good guy " ( and yes he even used this as his email name ) . He was everything a lady could ask for but Sheezus I couldn 't get out the front door for a date night when he would grope and drool , " come on baby lets have sex before we go out . " It really started to bother me … too much PDA . In the middle of a restaurant he leaned over the booth , " come on baby I need a smooch . " Once I got turned off on that it never came back . I finally gave him some BS reasons why I didn 't want to be in a relationship anymore . He cried but a year later he ended up with a really great woman , so I am happy for him . I couldn 't give him what he needed and I was sick about it but so relieved it ended . Being honest with them as you move forward for whatever the stickiness lies and being honest with yourself is the best you can do . And that 's what I am doing right now . I still could use some advice though . I have a great guy on my hands . We knew each other when we were kids and teens and have found each other after 20 + years absence . We 've been dating for 4 months But he 's so head over heels for me so quickly I feel as if I 'll never catch up . Intense emotions are great if they 're mutual . Not so much if they are not . I 'm feeling like my great guy could use a bit of Evan 's advice and mirror ME . I 've learned so much from " Why He Disappeared " and now the shoe is on the other foot . Im not reciprocating these verbalized feelings yet he continues to let them fly . I 'm the one being smothered by emotions . If he backed away a bit I would probably want him more . If this guy didn 't come along . And you started casually dating for let 's say 4 - 5 years and then you decide on marrying that one guy . When it comes down to children . Will you be in their life as much as they would want you to be ? Not in the selfish aspect but the fact that the people before have met the same conclusive demise . I am dealing with this now . My SO moved across the country to be with me . Right away the problems started . Walking in on me in the bathroom , cornering while I cooking dinner , getting dressed ( pretty much anytime I am busy ) to tell me he loves me and grabbing me for a kiss . I feel like I have zero personal space . I can be walking into or out of a room and he will step in front of me to do the same thing . If I sidestep or don 't respond he keeps pushing the agenda . It often feels more controlling than clingy . After 4 years of being on my own , I have tried to explain to him that I need my space and cornering me to force affection on me is NOT ok . He will stop but anytime we are having a dissgreement , he starts behaving this way . I have suggested that therapy might be helpful and he said HE doesn 't need it . He wants to get married and I am really reluctant to marry a man who has impulse control issues and no respect for boundaries . I would be honest and claim your space . After all , no one is responsible for your happiness but you . You don 't need to be his mom and teach him how to be secure . You don 't need to teach him anything . His happiness and growth is not your responsibility nor within your power of control . But being honest is critical . If your relationship is to continue , it 'll always be evolving as he and you discover new needs of yours as individuals . So you will need constant communication as the norm . Oh , and not all women want constant mauling . If you wanted a child hanging off of you you could birth one . Not saying your partner is a child , just saying the constant mauling makes us feel like we 're mothers when some of us don 't want to be . Read 5 Love Languages if you like . Some people do not require physical touch as much as others so it 's interpreted as a bother and not a display of love . This is NOT abnormal . See if that can help . I highly recommend ! Oh yeah and one more thing : CASUALLY DATE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK YOU " SHOULD " DO AT " YOUR AGE " . Do you . There 's no tablet in stone saying when a ' proper woman ' is past her prime and should settle or be afraid . For crying out loud ! I can fully understand your situation because I 'm in the same type of relationship . We are adults and it has become irritation to have my guy constantly trying to kiss and grab on me when we are alone . Funny thing though , he doesn 't dare touch me in public , and I mean nothing in public . He also constantly texts even if I say I can 't talk or I 'm busy and now I 'm turned off from him . I don 't even want to go to his place because I don 't feel like him constantly touching and kissing on me . I thought I was being " stuck up " and mean for feeling this way but after reading your letter , I feel at ease because I 'm not crazy . Try talking to him and see what happens . I 've tried to talk with the guy I 'm seeing but he doesn 't listen , doesn 't understand , and ultimately doesn 't get it . Therefore , I 'm pulling back big time . Latest Am I Being Selfish Wanting My Boyfriend to Show Me More Love and Affection ? 7 Sex Problems that Could Ruin Your Relationship Ever Wonder Why You Bother Dating ? Join My Webinar to Learn the Answer . [ WEBINAR ] Don 't miss the " 3 Reasons You 're Guaranteed to Fall in Love and Live Happily Ever After " ! Why People with Serious Passions and Hobbies Make the Worst Partners Is Your City the Reason You 're Single ? Or Is It You ? Have the Relationship You Want - an interview with Rori Raye How Can I Stop Feeling That All Men Think Asian Women Are Subservient ? Is Online Dating Safe ? Are You Compromising or Are You Settling ? Popular Why Don 't Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do ? Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s ? If You Are Short , Fat , Older or An Asian Man , You Must Read This . But Especially If You 're Short . Why Don 't Men Like Smart , Strong , Successful Women ? What Do Men Get Out of Looking At Other Women ? ( And Why Do Men Cheat ? ) Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man ? Should Men Be Forced to Pay For Children They Didn 't Want ? Why Are Women Expected to Date Men With a Lower Educational Level ? How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn 't Interested in Me ? I Think I 'm Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn 't Seem to Think So Featured I 'm In Love With A Starving Artist With Low Libido - What Should I Do ? My Live - In Boyfriend Doesn 't Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses , And I 'm Starting To Resent Him My 40 - Year Old Boyfriend Only Wants to Be Around 20 - Year Olds . Will He Outgrow This Behavior ? What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man How Do I Get A Guy to Make A Move After I Rejected Him Once ? Will Another 6 Months Make My Boyfriend Want Marriage and Kids ? How Can You Change Your Boyfriend Without Him Getting Insulted ? Why Do Men Run From Me When I Act Too Emotional ? ( Video ) Are Ignored Texts A Signal To Move On ? National Understand the Opposite Sex Day Explore the Blog The Love U Podcast Twitter Live FeedLoading Tweets by @ evanmarckatz … You Said " I am 43 years old and presently in love with a 25 years old guy . As it comes first time I feel so good about love and while with him I don 't even feel or see the gap in age . I find myself to be in … " Theresa on What Do Guys In Their 20 's Want With Women In Their 40 's ? " Does you ex still behave that way now that you no longer together ? … " Yet Another Guy on Am I Being Selfish Wanting My Boyfriend to Show Me More Love and Affection ? " @ Jeremy Confidence ( when we are talking about women using it as a preference in men ) is about self - assurance . A guy who never needs validation . This is so important for a guy to have because it signi … " Emily , the original on Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s ? " Adrian , Hi Evan , I just finished reading " Why He Disappeared . " It was extremely insightful . I didn 't really fit EXACTLY into the female examples you gave but still got a lot out … Happy Clients " Give the guy a chance to prove he might have what you need for a satisfying relationship . " I am a firm believer in dating at least 4 seasons and we are already in our 3rd season of love . We have discussed marriage and will revisit the idea this October . Connie D . " Being able to check in with Evan each week was like a safety net to give this a go . " I also discovered that I could attract a ton of quality men , in no time at all , if I needed to go back out there . It 's a relief to know I have options . But really , I 'm very , very much in love . THIS is the relationship I want , and I have it ! Morgana R . " I 'm so glad I didn 't give up , no one should ever give up . You have to kiss A LOT of toads to find your prince . " I knew I needed to in order to attract the love of my life . I had romantic dreams and the reality of the dating scene was a wake - up call … A man with answers about men ! That is the " golden ticket " ! Jana B . " Since working with you , I am happy , content , less anxious , more compassionate , more understanding , more patient , loving . " I learned from you something revelatory : men want to make women happy . Sometimes they don 't know how to do that , but my boyfriend really wants to make me happy … Carol A . " 9 months and 14 first dates later , I met the man of my dreams ! Love is not a big enough word for how we feel ! " It 's only been 106 days , Evan , but they have been the BEST 106 days of my life ! Thank you for leading me in the right direction , giving me the confidence to believe in myself and helping me find the love I deserve . Cheryl O .
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July 5 , 2015 by Lana · CHASING RIVER is a Suspenseful Romance novel , and the third novel in K . A . Tucker 's Burying Water Series , published by Atria books , an Imprint of Simon & Schuster . CHASING RIVER is set to be released July 7 , 2015 ! If you haven 't already , be sure to grab BURYING WATER and BECOMING RAIN , the first two books in this thrilling series ! ! Armed with two years ' worth of savings and the need to experience life outside the bubble of her Oregon small town , twenty - five - year old Amber Welles is prepared for anything . Except dying in Dublin . Had it not been for the bravery of a stranger , she might have . But he takes off before she has the chance to offer her gratitude . Twenty - four - year - old River Delaney is rattled . No one was supposed to get hurt . But then that American tourist showed up . He couldn 't let her die , but he also couldn 't risk being identified at the scene - so , he ran . Back to his everyday life of running his family 's pub . Only , everyday life is getting more and more complicated , thanks to his brother , Aengus , and his criminal associations . When the American girl tracks River down , he quickly realizes how much he likes her , how wrong she is for him . And how dangerous it is to have her around . Chasing her off would be the smart move . I 'm not sure why I didn 't realize from reading the synopsis that Amber Welles is the twin sister of Jesse Welles from Burying Water . Although I was hoping this book would have one of the 2 characters that were introduced in the previous one , I have to say I was excited when realized out who Amber was . Always the good girl to her troublemaking twin brother , I couldn 't wait to find out what her story will bring . I have to say , while I enjoyed this book , comparing to the first two it was probably my least favorite in the series . That 's not to say it wasn 't good , because it really was . I adore KA Tucker 's writing style and her ability to bring her words to life . With the previous two books being in Oregon , it was a great change of pace to get the beauty of Ireland in this one . Amber Welles is coming off a break up . She 's always been the good girl , the good daughter , popular girl and all around perfect . She has a great job as a nurse , she has great friends ( or so she thinks ) , but she 's yearning for more . So she makes herself a bucket travel lists and sets off for sights unseen . But when she gets lost in Dublin , a run in with a guy with piercing green eyes leaves her rattled in more ways than one . River Delaney has been on the wrong side of the law before , mostly thanks to his criminal older brother and his ties to the IRA . He 's not looking to be caught there again . When he follows his recently out of prison brother and catches him laying a pipe bomb in the middle of St . Stephen 's Green , he 's not exactly shocked . But when he sees a lost American tourist about to run right into the bomb 's path , he knows he has to do something . So he saves her and takes off before he can be tied to anything . Amber can 't seem to get the man that saved her life out of her mind and when she 's able to track him down to his family 's pub , she knows that she needs to get to know him . He affects her like no other man has in her life . He 's also the exact opposite of any man she 's ever dated , and yet she 's inexplicably drawn to him . Although I wasn 't sure what to expect from Amber with her good girl thought process , she really pleasantly surprised me . I really enjoyed her character and the way she chased River even though it wasn 't in her comfort zone . River was a hero that I liked straight away . He 's sweet and caring but with a little edge to him . I loved the relationship he had with his brother Rowen . Though I was shocked at the development between Ivy and Rowen . ( Wonder if this book is the last we 've seen of him ? ) So why not more stars ? I felt that for the type of reader I am there was a little too much concentration on history and suspense than the romance . While that may work very well for other readers , I found it added a certain disconnect for me . Don 't get me wrong , it was interesting to read about but not something I would typically turn to , if that even makes sense . This series isn 't too heavy on the romance and it 's not the HEA endings I usually like . It 's suspenseful and gives the reader a very satisfying HFN . I just found the previous two books to be a little more enjoyable . The Burying Water series isn 't heavy on romance or steam . If I had to rate the steam on a scale of 1 - 10 , I 'd say it 's a 3 . That 's not why I read this series , though . It offers something different from the usual mainstream romance you 'd find . It has suspense and mystery with the added element of romance . I just felt a slight disconnect with this one for reason I can 't quite put my finger one . That being said , I 'd definitely recommend this book for fans of the series . I like that while the characters are interconnected , the books can easily be read as standalones . So if you haven 't read the previous two books , you wouldn 't be even a little lost jumping right into this one . I would recommend the other two books simply because they were fantastic and it does give the reader a better understanding of some of the secondary characters that make an appearance . I 've loved and I mean LOVED Chelsea 's Fall and Rise series . So when I heard she 's coming out with a new book and I read the blurb for Behind to Back , I didn 't even have to think twice jumping at the chance to read it . Then I started reading it … and I swear I kept checking the cover to make sure I was reading a book by the same author . This book puts Kristen Ashley 's descriptiveness to shame . I have never read so much mundane and unnecessary details in a book before . But while KA 's descriptiveness somehow works in her books , here it was just empty and pointless . I mean for gawd 's sake , I knew what the hero ate , what he wore , what he thought about wearing , what he drove , what he thought about driving . I swear , if I had to read about his bowel movements ; ( 1 ) I actually wouldn 't have been surprised given everything else that 's described and ( 2 ) I would have chucked my kindle out the window . I originally DNF 'd this at 35 % because I had no connection with the story or the characters . None . How could I ? Let me give you a cliff notes version of the first 30 % . Spoiler alert : nothing happens . We meet the protagonist . He has a name , but it 's not his real one . He shares this with you through his internal monologue at least 5 times . He goes into a coffee shop and notices the heroine , who 's wearing a disguise … but you have no idea why . ( Cue intrigue ) He wakes up . Talks about his mission to punish all the bad men for the bad things they did through their money , but you have no idea why . He has a team of people that do this with him , but you have no idea how they work . Oh and one of them is gay and the other is a manwhore … . because every book needs those . He wakes up the next day . Has a shave . Thinks about what he 's going to wear . Decides on the Briani . ( my uncultured self had to look up Briani ) . Thinks about whether to take the Royce or the Ferrari . Goes out . Does stuff … But you still have no idea what he does aside from his " day job " . Comes home . Goes to sleep . He wakes up . Eats something . Thinks about his cat . Hangs out with his friends who also work with him , they talk about a bunch of stuff . Goes home because he has a migraine and goes to sleep . He wakes up . Talks to his friend / " team mate " about what to wear to better attract the heroine . Goes out . Does a bunch of stuff . Comes home . Goes to sleep . He 's still looking for the heroine . But you have no idea why . Because her daddy did a bad thing but you have no idea what . He goes home again because he has a headache . Cuddles his cat . Goes to sleep . Wakes up the next day . Goes looking for the heroine . He has a coffee . Can 't find the heroine . Goes home . Talks with his teammates about updates … though at this point I just don 't care . . Wakes up the next day . Sets up another failed attempt to meet the heroine . Flirts with a girl at a bar . Takes his fancy suit and fancy car home . Goes to sleep … his cat is also home . Because … you know … he has a cat and stuff . Wakes up again . Meets with his teammates to complain how he can 't seem to set up the " accidental " meet with the heroine . Thinks about more mundane stuff . Oh he also does some work and stuff . Goes home and goes to sleep . My heart always seems to know when Saige is in range and speeds up . It 's not something I can help . It 's just a bodily response to a beautiful and funny and sexy woman . My biological need to mate and continue the species . The only saving grace for me was the twist at the very end . Unfortunately by then it was just a little too late . I don 't care enough about the couple to be curious as to what happens with them in the next book . I don 't like the hero , and I 'm simply not intrigued enough by the heroine . Will I read future books by this author ? Absolutely and without a doubt . Even the best of authors can write a book that won 't work for you once in a while . I don 't expect them all to be winners , and just because I didn 't enjoy this particular book , doesn 't mean other readers won 't . I 've loved her other work , and I 'd never judge an author 's talent by one book alone . So if this is your first book by this author and you didn 't enjoy it , please don 't let it stop you from reading her other work because it really was fantastic , as I 'm sure her future books will be . Piper Oliver knows she can 't trust him . They warned her that the tall , dark , and sexy black - ops soldier Jory Dean would try to win her over with his steel - gray eyes and deadly charm , but she won 't be conned by this man they call a traitor . All she has to do is figure out the science necessary to save his life , and she 's done . Something isn 't adding up , though , and she won 't rest until she uncovers the truth - even if it 's buried in his deep , dangerous kiss . Jory will do anything to reunite with and save his brothers - even kidnap the gorgeous woman who 's working to deactivate the deadly chip in their spines . But the forces determined to destroy his family won 't let them go so easily . Keeping Piper alive is more than he bargained for - and so is his burning desire for her . But with every second bringing him closer to certain death , can he afford to lose himself in her hot and willing embrace ? Warmth and woman . An electric shock flared his entire nervous system alive . Soft and sweet , she breathed in as he pressed against her . He 'd meant to subdue her , to throw her off balance , but shock ricocheted through him . The second he tasted her , all cinnamon and woman , hunger slaked him . Devastating in its intensity , a demand he couldn 't deny . Her smooth , velvety lips softened under his , and for once , he lost himself . Her gasp mingled with his low groan . She pressed harder against him , her mouth curving under his , and he forgot . . . everything . Who he was , where they were , the fire and danger . Only the woman against him , warm and willing , sweet and sexy , filled his mind . He clasped her tight , forgetting any gentleness . Any seduction , any mission . Only this woman and this moment mattered . Letting go of himself , he allowed the creature inside , the one so rarely let loose , to take over . To push deep , to demand more . To take . His mouth overtook hers , memorizing every groove , every small nuance . His free hand gripped her butt , hauling her up against his steel - hard erection . Heat from her core nearly dropped him to his knees . Pain and sparking pleasure flared along his skin , and he deepened the kiss , tightening his hold . Possessiveness gripped him with a chokehold . One kiss . One kiss and she 'd changed him . He had to get her out of the parking lot before guns fired again . Denial gripped him to be quickly quashed with cold , hard training . So he grabbed her wrists and hauled her closer , his face lowering to hers . He wiped away any expression and shoved down all emotion . " Those men don 't care who they shoot . They 're scrambling and might kill you - or innocent bystanders . " He spoke low , commanding . He pulled her closer and lowered his voice to pure , no ‑ bullshit command . " We 're getting in that four - door Jeep , and we 're leaving here quietly . Your only choice is alert or unconscious ? Decide now . " He let conviction ring in his tone . If he believed he could knock her out , then she 'd believe it , too . He knew full well she agreed to keep bystanders safe and not because the kiss had changed anything for her . She had no reason to trust him , and she 'd never really know him . Why that pierced his chest with the cleanness of a sharpened dagger , he 'd figure out later . For now , they had to run . There was a demand in the way he touched her , in the way he kissed . One she should run the hell away from , if she had any sense of self - preservation . The sexy soldier wanted everything she had to give , and she knew better . It 's been almost a year since I finished Blind Faith and not once in my months of waiting has my anticipation for this book even slightly diminished . If anything , with every month I came closer to finally getting my hands on Jory 's story I just got more and more excited . So with anticipation like that , a girl builds up some high hopes that would be practically impossible to live up to , right ? Well , maybe if you 're anyone BUT Rebecca Zanetti it may have been . But she managed to finish off the series with a hell of a punch that will only leave you begging for more . In short , I loved it ! " That was your first mistake . " His voice rumbled so close to her ear , the tenor vibrated just under her skin . Oddly , soft , and intriguingly gentle . Jory Dean is the youngest Dean brother that has been thought dead by his brothers after they saw a video of him being shot in the chest . Although almost two years have passed , even when his brothers were fighting for their own lives , they never forgot him or stop digging into the events that led up to his death . This all came to a head in the last book where finally a video surfaced that show the possibility that the shots that went through Jory 's chest may not have been fatal . Piper Oliver is a talented young hacker . Working for a facility that she believes does good , she 's attempting to do the job she 's been hired for while a man with gray eyes and an intense presence seems to steal her every thought . It soon becomes clear that everything that Piper had once believed may not quite be as black and white as she thought . The enemy that she believes she 's fighting against may just be her only ally and the one person she believed had her best interest at heart just may be the biggest threat to her life . Total Surrender was an explosive , action - packed and super sexy final installment in the series . Piper and Jory burned up the pages together . What starts as the bantering between two enemies soon begins to turn into something so much more . When Jory provides Piper with more and more proof that he 's telling the truth , Piper knows that she has no other choice but to help the man that she 's slowly but surely finds herself falling for . I loved the reunion between the brothers that has been 4 books in the making . There was not one dull moment in the entire book . It was an entertaining , non - stop ride from beginning to end . I loved getting more of the other 3 couples from the series . It was so great getting their own final pieces of HEA at the end of the book . Of course it 's not all cut and dry , and Miss Zanetti definitely leaves just enough room for a possible ( or I 'm hoping ) spin - off . While she gives you just enough answers and conclusion to satisfy , she also gives you that much more question to whet your appetite for more . I really hope to see a spin - off series with secondary characters that were introduced here . I won 't tell you who , since it 'll spoil the experience , but let 's just say the set up is absolutely perfect . March 3 , 2015 by Lana · Leave a Comment I am dying to share this Release Blitz with you all to celebrate K . A . Tucker 's BECOMING RAIN ! BECOMING RAIN is a New Adult Romantic Suspense novel , and the second novel in K . A . Tucker 's Burying Water Series , published by Atria books , an Imprint of Simon & Schuster . I hope you 're ready for this ! Luke Boone doesn 't know exactly what his uncle Rust is involved in but he wants in on it - the cars , the money , the women . And it looks like he 's finally getting his wish . When Rust hands him the managerial keys to the garage , they come with a second set - one that opens up the door to tons of cash and opportunity . Though it 's not exactly legal , Luke 's never been one to worry about that sort of thing . Especially when it puts him behind the wheel of a Porsche 911 and onto the radar of gorgeous socialite named Rain . Clara Bertelli is at the top of her game - at only twenty - six years old , she 's one of the most successful undercover officers in the Washington D . C . major crime unit , and she 's just been handed a case that could catapult her career and expose one of the west coast 's most notorious car theft rings . But , in order to do it , she 'll need to go deep undercover as Rain Martines . Her target ? The twenty - four - year old nephew of a key player who appears ready to follow in his uncle 's footsteps . Still no mention of connecting again . In fact , I 'd say Luke has gone out of his way to skirt the subject . He 's just not interested . That 's all there is to it . Or maybe he 's waiting for me to bring it up again . But if he 's not , then bringing it up will make me look desperate . I 'm guessing he doesn 't like desperate women . Luke Boone has me in a tailspin . No target has ever had me second - guessing myself this much , this early . It 's just the pressure of the case , I remind myself . " I 'm sure I will . " I take long , slow steps , ensuring my movements are sleek and appealing , the opposite of my frantic thoughts , as I desperately search for another hook , since nothing I 'm casting has caught so far . I fight the urge to groan with relief but I can 't keep the smile from exploding across my face . " Whenever you call me . " I turn to regard him , to see his smug face - like he knew I was waiting for it all along , like he was toying with me - and nod to the sheet on his desk . " You have my number . " I wait until I 'm in my car and around the corner before turning off my wire and squealing like a fourteen - year - old who just got asked out to the movies . I dial Warner to debrief , my heart still racing . It 's standard protocol to call in after every meeting with my target . Up until now , I 've had nothing but failure to report . And , while this may not seem like much . . . I 've been a huge fan of this author since she first released her Ten Tiny Breaths series . Her first book in the Burying Water series was definitely quite a bit different from that and I absolutely devoured it . Burying Water was emotional , suspenseful , and with a wonderful love story at the core of it . Burying Water is also where we were first introduced to Luke Boon , Jesse 's somewhat wayward best friend . Luke was always a bit of a question mark as far as some morals go . While you knew he has a heart beneath all that bluster , he was also in the thick of things with trying to finally truly get inside his uncle Rust 's business , knowing that not everything he does is legal . But Luke also liked the money that went along with the questionable life style , so what 's shaking hands with some criminals . He 's grown up around this life , starting with his grandfather . But while he 's trying to gain trust and grow within his uncle 's organization , he 's being watched . The beautiful blue - eyed brunette in the building across from him is no admirer , however . She 's a tough as nails undercover officer , Clara Bertelli , determined to bring an end to Rust Miller 's illegal business and everyone that 's tied in with it , including his connection with the Russian mob . Her looks allow her for an easy in ; attract Luke 's attention since research clearly shows she 's his ' type ' , and then try to get the information out of him though their relationship . While Rain may not be her real name , it 's certainly fitting … It 's not so much that I love rain . I just have a healthy respect for what it does . People hate it , but the world needs rain . " Luke is not at all what he appears to be , and it 's not long before Rain begins to discover the amazing man that he is and feelings begin to enter the picture . The relationship is definitely a slow burn , considering the forbidden element of it . As Rain begins to see the true man beneath , her focus begins to shift and she lines begin to get crossed . Can she still bring his uncle and his organization down , even at the cost of Luke ? I found the real focus of this story to be more on the plot more so than the romance . Don 't get me wrong , the romance , while slow building , was certainly still there . But I didn 't find that the story centered around it . There is that element of suspense and the additional key players of Elmira , the Russians , and Warner . I also really loved Rain 's character . She was a tough girl without coming off too harsh . It 's refreshing to read about a female officer , and an undercover one at that . She was driven and good at her job , and though she was focused on her goal , her feelings for Luke began to shift her focus . This was another engrossing installment for the series and one I thoroughly enjoyed . I do wish that we got perhaps an epilogue at the end of it , but at the same time the ending was extremely fitting . I loved how their ending fit in with how they first met . I did find myself wishing for just a little more romance , but at the same time I really enjoyed the suspense and the story , so it never really took away from my enjoyment of the overall book . The top - selling , beloved indie author of Ten Tiny Breaths returns with a new romance about a young woman who loses her memory - and the man who knows that the only way to protect her is to stay away . Left for dead in the fields of rural Oregon , a young woman defies all odds and survives - but she awakens with no idea who she is , or what happened to her . Refusing to answer to " Jane Doe " for another day , the woman renames herself " Water " for the tiny , hidden marking on her body - the only clue to her past . Taken in by old Ginny Fitzgerald , a crotchety but kind lady living on a nearby horse farm , Water slowly begins building a new life . But as she attempts to piece together the fleeting slivers of her memory , more questions emerge : Who is the next - door neighbor , quietly toiling under the hood of his Barracuda ? Why won 't Ginny let him step foot on her property ? And why does Water feel she recognizes him ? Twenty - four - year - old Jesse Welles doesn 't know how long it will be before Water gets her memory back . For her sake , Jesse hopes the answer is never . He knows that she 'll stay so much safer - and happier - that way . And that 's why , as hard as it is , he needs to keep his distance . Because getting too close could flood her with realities better left buried . Born in small - town Ontario , Kathleen published her first book at the age of six with the help of her elementary school librarian and a box of crayons . She is a voracious reader and the farthest thing from a genre - snob , loving everything from High Fantasy to Chick Lit . Kathleen currently resides in a quaint small town outside of Toronto with her husband , two beautiful girls , and an exhausting brood of four - legged creatures . Theo and Sal Barbieri are brothers , tasked by their Mafioso father Roberto with a very clear purpose : kidnap Kaitlin McLaughlin . The beautiful daughter of Roberto 's Irish enemy . It 's high time Kaitlin was punished for her father 's sins - not to mention , her own . Zeth Mayfair has traded his life as a hitman for a quieter existence , but it isn 't long before the past catches up with him in the form of Roberto Barbieri . Will he succumb to the lure of power that Roberto is offering ? Or will he retaliate by killing every last Barbieri in New York to get them off his back ? Jason Ross is running . Woken in the night by a tip that the Gypsy Brothers are coming for him , he packs a bag and gets his girlfriend the hell out of dodge . Arriving in New York City in the midst of a heatwave is one thing , but being tailed by an entire drug cartel is another . " When he lunges for me , I 'm ready . I deflect the hand he was going to grab me with , slapping it downward , and then I grab onto his wrist , pulling him off balance . He seesaws forward but then rips his wrist out of my hand . I don 't expect him to turn his slight fumble to his own advantage , but he does . Dropping to the floor , he rolls and kicks out , landing a solid strike to my leg . I have less than a second to brace myself before I 'm hitting the concrete . Then he 's on top of me . " Oh , this is fun , sweetheart . But I don 't really have time to be playing games with you right now . " He 's reaching for my arms , about to pin me to the ground , but I jab , landing a solid hit with my extended fingertips right in the base of his throat , in his windpipe . He chokes , his body falling sideways , and then I 'm on top of him . Through watering eyes and a clearly sore throat , the guy grins up at me , shaking his head . " Well , if you wanna fuck me , I guess I could make some time . " Thrusting upward , he tries to unseat me , but I know this is what 's coming and I 'm ready again . I compensate , leaning forward , pressing my gun into the guy 's neck . His body goes still , his hands lifting so they 're palm up in front of him . " You know who I am , sweetheart . I 'm the enemy . " " I am a Barbieri . " Lightning fast , he snaps his hand out and clamps it around my throat . The move catches me off guard , has me panicking for the first time . My gun is gone , then , knocked to the ground , skittering away across the blacktop . The guy 's hand tightens around the column of my neck , threatening to squeeze even harder . " What 's wrong ? " he asks . " Feeling a little lightheaded ? " What happens when the genius minds of Lili Saint Germain and Callie Hart combine ? This entertaining as fuck book . These ladies are on my auto buy list with their individual work , but as a team ? They 're an absolute powerhouse . I have loved both Blood & Roses and the Gypsy Brothers series . But when these two worlds collide ? It 's sure to be one epic fucking ride . Hell 's Kitchen has quite a few POVs packed into a little over 100 pages . Where usually I 'd find that to be way too much and convoluted , the fact that the authors not only made it work here but it actually added to the story is certainly no small feat . EVERY single POV added something into the story and allowed to tie into the next one . It was so intricately woven together that I never once found myself confused or annoyed but simply enjoying the ride . So who are the key players in Hell 's Kitchen ? Let 's do a roll call … The Barbiery brothers The sons to the current Italian mafioso of New York , Roberto . Roberto is a cold hearted and ruthless kingpin that spares no one in his gain for power and vengeance , not even his sons . When his Irish enemy does him wrong , what best way to get revenge than to kidnap his daughter , Kaitlin , and to charge his two sons with it . Kaitlin McLaughlin has a very short POV that gives the reader just enough insight into her vapidness and better understanding of her character . This is definitely no 17 year old girl you 'll find yourself sympathizing with . She 's one spoiled and vicious little bitch . Gracie ; Kaitlin 's bodyguard and all around bad bitch . Now you know I love me a snarky and kick - ass heroine , and Gracie was that and so much more . She was taken into the McLaughlin fold at an early age and feels a bond with Kaitlin 's father even though babysitting his spoiled little princess is not what she wants to be wasting her time on . The last thing she expects is to be caught in a chase with the sons of their Italian enemy . Scarlett Winchester ( Oh and I see what you did with her last name there , you clever girls . I love that ! ) Is a down on her luck actress that is currently attempting to put together the tatters of her previous life . Lost in a constant haze of drugs and alcohol if only to drown out the demons of the past and a mistake from 9 months ago that cost her everything . Zeth motherfucking Mayfair . Does the man even need an introduction . Zeth is trying to move on with his life together with Sloane . While he will never exactly live on the straight and narrow , he certainly has no desires to answer to anyone else now that he is no longer under the thumb of Charlie , his past ' employer ' . Too bad that Roberto wants to take over Charlie 's old territory , and he 's very aware of Zeth 's reputation and has no issues trying to get him back into the fold … and when a proposition doesn 't do , a threat will suffice . Jason Ross . Dealing with the fallout of what happened with his father and the MC , Jason and Juliette are on the run from the Columbian Cartel . Their current hiding place ? Non other that New York . And you just KNOW that when all these worlds combine , it 's going to be one hell of a ride . There 's also the mention of Elliot , though he never has a POV here … at least not yet . So there you have it , the seven key players of Hell 's Kitchen , though I would say that the Barbiery brothers , Scarlett and Gracie are the main focus . I absolutely loved how the authors managed to tie together all of these POVs into one intricately woven story . If you 're looking for the grit of GB , you won 't find that here , but it doesn 't really advertise to be that . What it is , is an entertaining , humorous , action - packed and thrilling ride that combines the worlds of B & R and GB along with some new players to give you another addicting series . I read this in one sitting , completely incapable of setting it down for even a second . I 'm already practically salivating for the next installment and can 't wait to see what happens next with all these characters . Callie has experienced many changes throughout her life , and gone through many ups and downs that have all worked towards shaping and molding her into the person she is today : fun loving , active , social , and hard working . The only thing that has remained a constant throughout her life is writing . Creating characters who will tear your conscience in two is a favorite pastime of Callie 's . There are few real saints and sinners in her books ; more often , the denizens of her stories are all very human . Broken , flawed , and always with the potential for redemption . Lili writes dark romance , suspense and paranormal stories . Her serial novel , Seven Sons , was released in early 2014 , with the following books in the series to be released in quick succession . Lili quit corporate life to focus on writing and so far is loving every minute of it . Her other loves in life include her gorgeous husband and beautiful daughter , good coffee , Tarantino movies and spending hours on Pinterest . Phoebe Graham is a specialist in deep cover espionage , infiltrating the enemy , observing their practices , and when necessary eliminating the threat . Her latest assignment is McKay - Taggart Security Services , staffed with former military and intelligence operatives . They routinely perform clandestine operations all over the world but it isn 't until Jesse Murdoch joins the team that her radar starts spinning . Unfortunately so does her head . He 's gorgeous and sweet and her instincts tell her to trust him but she 's been burned before , so he 'll stay where he belongs - squarely in her sights . Since the moment his Army unit was captured by jihadists , Jesse 's life has been a nightmare . Forced to watch as those monsters tortured and killed his friends and the woman he loved , something inside him snapped . When he 's finally rescued , everyone has the same question - why did he alone survive ? Clouded in accusations and haunted by the faces of those he failed , Jesse struggles in civilian life until McKay - Taggart takes him in . Spending time with Phoebe , the shy and beautiful accountant , makes him feel human for the first time in forever . If someone so innocent and sweet could accept him , maybe he could truly be redeemed . I 've been a huge fan of this series since the very first book . Now eight books in and it 's still going strong . I think this may have been my favorite of the Masters and Mercenaries . I 've been curious about Jesse 's story since we first meet him earlier in the series . He 's always been such a broken and tortured soul , that you couldn 't help but crave a HEA for him . This is a man that 's truly known suffering and needed a HEA that was truly worthy of the type of person he is , and boy did Lexi Blake deliver on that . She really gave it justice with this book . You played me . You played me hard and well . You had me panting after you and then you pointed a bullet straight at my fucking heart . Do you see the irony , Phoebe ? I was falling for you and you were there to kill me . Phoebe has always been the super shy , clumsy and unassuming accountant for Taggart McKay . But looks can be deceiving and it her case , deadly . Having lost the love of her life in a mission gone terribly wrong , Phoebe is determined to bring those responsible for his death to justice … even if it means going deep undercover . This is probably the most emotional book in the series , or at least it was for me . Having tidbits of Jesse 's problems in the earlier books , you know that his problems run deep . He lives a waking nightmare with the PTSD and the memories of a voice that tortured and almost broke him . He finally thought he found his redemption when he met Phoebe , but he knows that he can never have her . I really don 't want to give too much away , because this is simply a book you need to experience for yourself without any major details . But I will say that I absolutely loved it . There is nothing better than a kick ass heroine for me , and Phoebe was definitely that . But she also had a broken side to her that balanced out the tough operative persona . She can handle herself in the field , but her soul was broken with the death of her husband that she adored . I appreciated that Lexi Blake never diminished her love for her husband and yet made the reader truly see what her connection to Jesse was and make it real . It didn 't feel like settling , which I was afraid of . The connection between them was tangible … and not to mention super sexy You won 't be quiet when I fuck you . You 'll give them a show . You 'll let them know just how good it feels to be fucked by me and I will make sure you scream . Don 't even think you can hold out on me . I won 't let it happen . I 'll fuck you so long and so hard , you 'll give me everything I want . My other concern was how Jesse would come off as a Dom . He 's such a tortured soul that I was afraid he may come off as almost too broken , but that never happened . When he finally got his shit together , the man was truly a top . But he always maintained this vulnerable edge to him which was so incredibly endearing that you couldn 't help but completely fall for him . I really wouldn 't recommend reading this book as a standalone as there is a story ARC that continues throughout the series . While you wouldn 't necessarily feel lost , you would appreciate this story and all secondary characters and the MCs that much more if you read it in order . Of course it wouldn 't be a Masters and Mercenaries book without Ian and his banter … I don 't think there was anything about this book that I didn 't love . It was action - packed , emotional , filled with heart - pounding suspense and oh so sexy . I adored Phoebe and Jesse together . Their story will equal parts break your heart and absolutely melt it . I think what I 've figured out is that we don 't have a limited amount of love . It doesn 't get all used up and then there 's nothing left . We choose . We choose who we love and how we love , and how we love , and there is nothing between two consenting adults that brings them connection and pleasure and joy that 's wrong . This is ours , Phoebe . A Spy without a CountrySimon Weston grew up royal in a place where aristocracy still mattered . Serving Queen and country meant everything to him , until MI6 marked him as damaged goods and he left his home in disgrace . Ian Taggart showed him a better way to serve his fellow man and introduced him to Sanctum , a place to pursue his passion for Dominance and submission . Topping beautiful subs was a lovely distraction until he met Chelsea , and becoming her Master turned into Simon 's most important mission . Chelsea Dennis grew up a pawn to the Russian mob . Her father 's violent lessons taught her that monsters lurked inside every man and they should never be trusted . Hiding in the shadows , she became something that even the monsters would fear - an information broker who exposed their dirty secrets and toppled their empires . Everything changed when Simon Weston crossed her path . Valiant and faithful , he was everything she needed - and a risk she couldn 't afford to take . When dark forces from her past threaten her newfound family at Sanctum , Chelsea must turn to Simon , the one man she can trust with her darkest secrets . Their only chance to survive lies in a mystery even Chelsea has been unable to solve . As they race to uncover the truth and stay one step ahead of the assassins on their heels , they will discover a love too powerful to deny . But to stop a killer , Simon just might have to sacrifice himself … From the moment he 'd seen her all those months ago , he 'd been utterly fascinated . She was a mystery to him . Closed off , with more barricades around her than he could count , she still pulled him in the minute she walked inside a room . When I think of romantic suspense with some kinky hot BDSM thrown in and some scorching romance and sex , the only series that comes to mind is Masters and Mercenaries . No one does that sexy little combination better than Lexi Blake . While each book can probably be read as a standalone , I wouldn 't recommend it as each book builds off of each other . The characters of this book ( like all the rest ) are first introduced in the previous 2 and their story continues until their own book . It just wouldn 't be the same to jump straight into this book without first reading the last 6 . Besides , each book has been great , so why miss out ? Now on to Simon and Chelsea . Chelsea is many things ; she 's Charlotte 's younger sister , Ian 's ( or as she calls him The Satan ) sister in law , the daughter of the head of the biggest mob syndicate in Moscow , and The Broker . She 's one of the best hackers in the world and she 's definitely made quite the name for herself since her and her sister escaped their father 's brutal and sadistic hold . Now she uses her powers for good … mostly . Weary of men in general due to her history , she 's not looking for any entanglements . Especially not with a certain British Dom and past MI6 agent in a 3 piece suit that now works for Ian 's firm . But when Chelsea 's life is on the line , no matter how hard she 's avoided Simon in the past , he 's the only one she can turn to for help . But he 's not going to be easy on her . He has a requirement of his own , one he 's been waiting for the right opportunity to take . " That 's my requirement for protecting you . I don 't want money . You 'll sign a contract making me your Master or I can call your brother - in - law back . How is the broccoli beef ? I 've never tried it before . Would you like some wine ? " Simon 's combination of protective and demanding definitely worked for me . He was very sweet and understanding with what Chelsea needed . He 's been halfway in love with her since he first met her and now he just needs to convince her that they 'll be good together . … I 'm not going to take your virginity because you 're curious . I 'll take it when you can 't think about anything but me . I 'll take it when you cry out my name and tell me there 's no other man you 'll ever love the way you love me . Then and only then will I take what belongs to me . This book wasn 't as heavy on the BDSM or the sex either to be honest . The suspense and the emotional relationship development between the H / h took center stage . The romance was still in the center of the story , of course , but it wasn 't quite as steamy as the previous books in the series . But don 't get me wrong , while it may not have been as frequent , when it did happen it was definitely HOT . Unfortunately there was just something about the romance between Simon and Chelsea I never fully connected with . I can 't even put my finger on what it was exactly , but it was probably my least favorite in the series . There was almost too much of a focus on their emotional issues and triggers than there was on the actual romance , at times even during the sex scenes . I would still recommend this book for fans of the series . And if you 've been curious about Jesse 's story , you 're definitely in for a treat here . That last chapter ? Oh my GAWD . I don 't think I 've been that excited to read a book since Ian 's story . This book really introduces Jesse and all his fucked up glory and I can 't wait to get my hands on his book in February . Follow the Tour The risks ex - cop Sam Petrie has taken have turned his life into a train wreck . So he has nothing to lose by doubling down as the elusive Svetlana Ardova 's unwanted bodyguard on a potentially deadly trip to Italy . Ever since the McClouds rescued Sveti from certain death , her crusade against modern slavery has blazoned a bulls - eye on her chest , but when one of the threats against her almost hits the mark , Sam 's protective instincts go into overdrive . Every lethal obstacle and trap they encounter ups the stakes - and the undeniable heat between them . He wished he could crawl into her dreams and do battle with the monsters there . She deserved a champion , even inside her mind . Hell , especially inside her mind . I 've been a fan of this series since I first discovered it a few years ago . Shannon Mckenna has this knack for writing heroes that are just the right side of domineering and oh so sexy . If you 've read any of her work before , then you know exactly what I 'm talking about . It 's a formula that she has , and it works . She also writes some heart - pounding suspense and some of the most twisted bad guys I 've read . Whenever I 'm in the mood for sexy romantic suspense , she 's been my go - to author . I 've also been waiting for Sveti to get her book ever since we met her as a little girl in Extreme Danger . There 's a lot of plot and secondary character development that takes place throughout the series , so this is not a book I 'd recommend reading as a standalone . You just wouldn 't enjoy it as much . That being said , onto the review … Svetlana had a rough introduction into adulthood . Having violently lost her father and mother and then sold into human organ trafficking at the young age of 12 she had to grow up quick . If it wasn 't for Nick rescuing her , she would have died . Now she 's dedicated her entire life to helping any and all victims of such crimes , even at the risk to her own safety . Sam has been completely enthralled with Svetlana the second he first laid eyes on her . And that one kiss they shared in Fatal Strike ? Holy shit ! I was dying for more of that . To say that Sam had an obsession with her would be an understatement . He 's basically in love with her and would give anything for just a scrap of attention from her . I have to say , I adored Sam even though his constant mood swings did make me dizzy . The man could flip a switch and go from sweet and sexy to angry in the span of a second . But I suppose their relationship was anything but normal , so that goes with the territory . Now my full name is Svetlana , and I have never in my life known any Svetlana wanting to go by Sveti . Sveta , yes . I read Sveti and I hear ' sweaty ' . I swear , if I didn 't love Shannon McKenna 's writing this would have driven me absolutely batty … well … more than it did anyway . Sorry , had to get that off my chest . Moving on . Svetlana has been just as intrigued by Sam but she 's determined to stay away from him at any cost . She knows that he can seduce her into what he wants , and he 's just too much for her . But chemistry like that can only be denied for so long before it ignites to a burning passion … You thought you were going to die . But you won 't . I 'll take care of you . You won 't fall to pieces . Or if you do , it 'll only be for a few seconds , and I 'll hold you all together . I 'll hold you so tight . I 'll keep you so safe . " When an old enemy resurfaces and her life is in danger Sam is determined to be the one to keep her safe . So he enlists to be her bodyguard during her work trip to Europe . And of course he wants a chance to explore their newly found … uhem … arrangement . As deliciously sexy as Sam and Sveti were together , it was almost too much for me at times . I 'd say a good half of the book was them going at it … everywhere . I also had a hard time believing one particular scene where Sam takes her virginity and immediately after they have sex like 4 more times . I was actually cringing for her poor muff . True story . She 'd been so stupid . So superficial , to act as if sex with Same was some country she could visit like a tourist and come back unchanged . She was inside out , exploding with feelings she didn 't know how to manage … Although you can say that the books are borderline formulaic , there 's one thing you can 't take away from them . They 're entertaining as hell . They 've been my guilty pleasure for as long as I can remember . I love Shannon 's alphas and while some of the terminology they like to use sounds the same , they still stand out from one another . I 've certainly had my favorites throughout the series and Sam is definitely up there . The second half of this book ( or the last 30 % ) I couldn 't put down . There was one particular scene where I wanted to shake Sveti for her borderline TSTL choice of action . But I was too engrossed in the story to mind it too much . There was one particular twist that while I mostly saw it coming , did still throw me for a loop . Shannon McKenna is the New York Times bestselling author of numerous romantic thrillers and several novellas . After a bizarre assortment of jobs , from singing cocktail waitress to medical secretary to strolling madrigal singer , she decided that writing hot romantic suspense suits her best . She lives with her husband and family in a small seaside town in southern Italy . Grace Campbell leads a privileged life . The daughter of a United States senator , she moves within the social circles of the rich and famous . But Grace is also a scientist , and when someone learns she possesses the knowledge necessary to create a new super virus capable of destroying entire nations , she becomes a target for terror groups and foreign governments alike . Lynn Raye Harris has become synonymous for sizzling hot Romantic Suspense for me . If you 're looking for an action packed and steamy romance , the likes of Cindy Gerard , Pamela Clare , or Maya Banks , then you my friend , have just stumbled onto your holy grail . I 'm not even kidding . I love this series . Not only does it continue to get better with each book , but Miss Harris continues to give her readers incredibly drool worthy and panty melting heroes that will never fail to get your hearts pumping . Not one of her heroes sound the same , and I truly appreciate that . She writes strong heroines , dirty talking heroes , heart pounding suspense , and so much steam your kindle might catch fire . There is nothing I love more than the hate to love trope , and this book delivered that in spades . Grace Cambell is the beloved daughter of a US senator . She may have lived a privileged life , but that doesn 't mean she doesn 't work for what she does . She might be a little uppity and a whole lot nerdy , but that doesn 't take away from her brilliance as a research scientist . But when her research leads her to discover a super virus that she intends to find an antibiotic for , there are less than noble forces out there that want to weaponize it . After Grace gets accosted by an armed man in the parking lot of her work , her father refuses to take risks with her life and calls in a favor with HOT . Garrett " Iceman " Spencer is a special ops soldier for an elite military agency . The last thing he wants to be doing is playing babysitter to a privileged princess , but when his commander tells him to jump , he asks how hight . But it 's not long before he begins to see beyond Grace 's uptight personality , to the passionate woman beneath . Unfortunately even if Grace wasn 't hands off because of his assignment , he also has no desire to give himself over into the clutches of another woman . His ex - wife had made sure of that . As much as I loved Garrett , I liked Grace just as much . She may be an introvert at heart and a woman that 's unsure of her sexual appeal , but she also had a backbone of steal and she wasn 't afraid to go after what she wants . It 's not long before the chemistry that 's brewing between them gets to a boiling point that neither of them can deny . Sex had never felt so good , so necessary to her existence before now . Anything he wanted , she would give him . Anything , just to feel one tenth of the pleasure she felt right now . When bullets begin to fly and they realize Grace 's life is in even more danger than they all thought , Garrett is determined to protect her at all costs . He 'll lay down his life for her , but his heart is still off limits . Even though Grace always gives into the passion between them , that 's not to say that she 's a doormat . Quite the opposite actually ; she definitely gives as good as she gets . We all have complicated lives , Garrett . That 's what life is - complicated , messy , joyful , thrilling , heartbreaking , exciting . It 's all those things rolled into one , and sometimes it 's easy and sometimes it 's not . You don 't have a monopoly on complicated , so get over yourself . I really enjoyed this latest installment of the HOT series . It was sexy , it was action packed and quick paced , and it was entertaining . I 'm not sure why , but I found the revelation of who the bad guys were to be a little anti - climactic . That may have been because I kept building certain things up in my head while trying to figure it out . I have to say that I love all these little nibbles that the author keeps giving us of the mysterious Ian Black . I can only hope that he 'll soon get a book of his own . Grace and Garrett may not have been my favorite couple in the series , but they 're definitely still up there . Their banter was great and their chemistry was even better . I really enjoyed this book and can 't wait until the next . Victoria Royal is a traitor . Or so the U . S . government believes . Victoria was once a promising sniper in the Army , but now she 's gone rogue - worse , she 's just landed in the middle of a Hostile Operations Team mission in the desert and blasted it all to hell . Is she really a traitor ? Or is there something more at stake ? He has to decide fast - because time 's running out and too many lives hang in the balance … You know what I love about this series ? Freaking EVERYTHING . The fact that it only continues to get better and better with each new installment is just the icing on the cake . Lynn Raye Harris is able to deliver heart pounding suspense with a sensual and sizzling romance that all together adds up to an addicting and unputdownable read . She looked like a somewhat frightened and helpless woman , and yet he knew she was a deadly assassin . The same as he was . She was like one of those startlingly beautiful creatures in the wild - colorful and attractive , but deadly when touched . Victoria Royal has been deemed a traitor by the US army and kicked out of the sniper training program all because her sister has been cavorting with a known terrorist . Determined to clear her name and rescue her sister who no longer seems to be voluntarily staying with a man that is on the US terrorist watch list , Victoria plays mercenary for a man that she hopes has some kernel of information about where her sister is . When her mission brings her face to face , or snope to snope as it were , with a face from her past , everything changes . This crazy pull between hem was disconcerting and exciting all at once . Nick " Brandy " Brandon hasn 't seen Victoria since she left sniper training , but he 's never forgotten her . So when she comes in , guns blazing , and blows his mission to hell and back , he 's determined to not let her go this time . Whether she 's willing or not , he 'll bring her in , and she 'll work on the right side to help bring a known terrorist to justice . He reached for her , pulled her against his chest , and tilted her head back with both his hands on her face . He was a fucking goner . He was like an addict being offered a fix , and he couldn 't say no . I want you , Nick Brandon . I don 't know why , but I do . Badly . You 've been under my skin since the first moment I saw you back in training , and while I have no fucking clue what I 'm doing , I think I 'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn 't do this with you . I can tell you that absolutely everything about this book worked for me ; the action , the suspense , the romance , the characters . I also loved that Lynn began to weave a secondary POV into the story of the MC from the next book . I loved getting that little peek inside of " Iceman " . If you 're a fan of romantic suspense , I 've said it in all my reviews of this series , and I 'll say it again ; THIS IS A MUST READ . Trust me . You 'll thank me for it later 😉
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Hi there Bloggy friends , I am making the move from blogspot to my very own Blog . I am going to try really hard to do this blogging thing for some extra income . First step is to get my site up and running and people reading it , then try and round up some sponsers . So if you would please update your blogrolls to reflect my new site I would really appreciate it . For those of you who do a blogpost introducing my site I will send you a special gift in the mail ( some food items ) , just please leave me a comment that you did so . monicaonthego . comAlso - I am going to move my blogroll over , if for some reason you don 't want to be on it , please don 't hesitate to let me know . Good morning Bloggy friends , it 's looking to be cold and clear here in Cleveland today , but the snow is coming soon . Ugh . It stinks for me when it gets cold out b / c the dogs are going to want their walk and it will be getting too cold to take Harper . How cold is too cold ? I have a snowsuit for her , so I don 't worry about her body , but her little face gets so red . I put her in the baby car seat and zip the bundle me around her too , I feel that is more protection than just hanging out in the jogging stroller . Anyone else walk their dogs with the baby everyday ? I could just wait until G gets home of course , but it is dark by then . On the agenda for today is Beamfit class at the gym , followed by Hard Core class . Then I need to get a few things at the grocery store and maybe head to TJ Maxx to finally finish up the Xmas shopping . Just a few more things to get . Maybe I 'll be really ambitious and start wrapping today , although something tells me that may be a task better suited once grabhands Harper goes to bed . . . Breakfast - 1 / 4 cup ricotta cheese mixed with 1 egg , 2 egg whites , vanilla extract and pumpkin pie spice , coffee with 1 stevia and soy creamer , cliff Z bar on way to gym1 hour Beamfit & hard core classSnack - Raw Revolution Live food bar ( I had the hazelnut one and it tasty and had a nice moist almost brownie like texture ) & golden delicious appleLunch - cup of pumpkin curry soup from whole foods food bar & Quorn Guyere " chickn " cutletSnack - Wallaby down under yogurt & a piece of toast with smuckers premium tart cherry jamDinner - Chicken breast simmered in curry sauce , 1 / 2 cup Quiona w / celery & carrots , beets soaked in balsamic vinegarSnack - Have you ever had Quorn products ? They are made of fungus . I like them more than soy chicken products . They are low calorie and have a good amount of protein . I like the plain ones with ketchup on them , I like ketchup on pretty much anything though . Today was the first time I tried the Gruyere cutlets and they were delicious ! 3 In an effort to shame myself into not eating huge quantities of cereal and wendy 's frosties on a daily basis I am going to start making a daily post about what I ate today . Not much is going to be off limits except for cereal and true junk food . Why cereal you may ask ? Because I eat it 2 - 3 times a day , for real , small bowls usually , but still I want to completely give up cereal and have it out of my life . Years ago I never ever ate cereal , I picked up the habit when I was pregnant . I am going to post a food log for at least 14 days to try and make myself more conscious of the worthless food I put into my body . Not worried about calories at all , just about putting nutritious , clean fuel in . I get sick too much , maybe if I ate a little better that wouldn 't be the case . Breakfast ( pre run ) - 1 packet quaker high fiber oatmeal and 1 / 2 packet quaker simple harvest oatmeal , coffee with 1 stevia and silk soy creamer8 . 15 miles runSnack - Cliff Z bar & banana1 hour power yogaLunch - 1 / 2 cup quinoa prepared with chicken broth , carrots , celery & craisins , garden salad w / radishes , beets , chickpeas , goat cheese and balsamic vinagretteSnack : True North pistachio crisps ( yummy cracker alternative , check them out ) & 2 slices of very holey deli swiss cheese , big pearDinner : 2 tilapia loins sauteed in orange juice and rosemary & green giant frozen veggie mix that had cauliflower , carrots and cranberries in a light butter sauceSnack : newmans own simply salted popcorn & carnation instant breakfast ( was craving chocolate ) made with skim milkI haven 't had the popcorn yet , but that is my plan in a few hours . I need some sort of after dinner snack around 8 , that 's just how it is , usually its cereal . I would give today a B , I overdid it a bit with the true north crisps , but then again I excercised a lot . If you 've never tried the True North products you are missing out , they are all really yummy . Target usually has them . You can get a $ 1 coupon on their website . Time to put Harper to bed ! Well no PR today , but close , I ran it in 25 : 45 , and the best I ever ran was 25 : 23 at that same race 2 years ago . But for me any race where I maintain under a 9 : 00 pace the whole run is a big success to me . I really didn 't feel well out there today , I felt nauseous and really couldn 't seem to push myself . One of these days I will feel great and get below 25 , its coming soon I know it . Maintaining 8 and 7 something miles is getting easier for me and I really think a lot of it has to do with running with Fonzie . I got to do a little warm up with the super fast Salty and Eva who still beat me even though they are over 20 weeks pregnant , lol . Oh well they were twice as fast as me not pregnant , so it makes sense . Espeed had a PR and got 1st for females . So happy that everyone had a good day out there today . Afterwards we hit up the Original Pancake House and I ate as if I had just run a marathon . I can 't pass up pumpkin pancakes , just can 't do it . In the pic everyone is pregnant except for me ( black hat / vest , Espeed in the front on the right and Christina , teeny one in back row all the way to right ) . There is something in the water around here ! ' In total I ran about 5 . 5 miles today and tomorrow I have 8 - 9 planned and power yoga . Right now I am sitting in the kitchen next to Harp in her high chair and she is trying desperately to feed herself puffs , but just can 't quite get it . Too cute . G is playing golf , when he gets back we are going to go see Santa at the mall , should be interesting ! I have a 5K in the morning . I am a little nervous . It is my last race of the year ( out of 4 total , wowza ) and I really hope to have a good PR . It would be a nice way to finish out the year . After the race I get to have some breakfast with some other ladies I know from tris / running / blogging and I am really looking forward to it . 5 of them are pregnant right now , 2 with their seconds . I guess they 're all drinking the same water , I better watch out . My goal was to run 4 days a week and with the 5K tomorrow I will reach it , I ran with Fonzie on Sun , then on the treadmill due to rain / cold on Wed & Thurs . I also hit up a weight lifting class and balance / pilates class . Tomorrow we are going to take Haper to get her santa photo . . . should be interesting . I kind of don 't like the holidays . I mean don 't get me wrong . I love being around my family and the togetherness of the holidays , but I don 't like the food . I am one of those people with absolutely no willpower . I am strong enough to not bring junk in my house , but if I am around it I mindlessly stuff myself . Anyway , I am glad Turkey day is over , now just to make it through Xmas . We only go to my Family 's place on T - giving , whereas at Xmas we hit up 3 family houses and then 2 other extended family parties . I hope to be down to my goal weight of 125 by Xmas so that if I gain a few , it won 't put me back up into the 130s . I stand firm at 128 right now and I barely worked out this past week . I got in 1 good run while I was home with my BIL , we ran a cross country course . I very rarely run on grass , nice to mix it up sometimes . T - giving was great , my sister made a weight watchers pumpkin pie that was yummy and I didn 't overdo it too bad on my moms olive cream cheese dip and candied sweet potatoes ! Today I am back on the wagon , but unfortunately I am sick AGAIN . I am so sick of being sick , do any of you take any good immune system boosters ? I take a pre natal vitamin and an Emergen C packet ( most days , when I remember ) . But this is like the 6th time I have been sick in 2 - 3 months , its getting in the way of my training for this Jan half mary ! I was supposed to go do the course yesterday but woke up with the worst sore throat and a nose full of cement , so back to bed I went . Ugh . I must say I have been running really strong though . I did a 5K the other day and did it in 26 : 03 , which is my second fastest time ever . I am doing another 5K this weekend and I really hope to get in the low 25s . I was supposed to do a half marathon last weekend , but changed to do this 5K for charity ( girls on the run ) but then there was a snafu and I didn 't get a partner so I just raced the race . I wish I had done the half , just to see where I am now speed wise . I am about 10 lbs less than I was for the Akron half . There is a 30K in PA in the sp4 On the move . Baby I cannot make you sit still anymore . You have places to go and people to see . In the last month you have perfected rolling across the floor and now get that rolling gets you places , it 's not just something to do back and forth to get stuck against the crib slats . You really want to sit up on your own and are starting to grab on to me to pull yourself up , but can 't quite do it yet . Just a few days ago you started getting up on your knees and rocking your cute little tooshy back and forth . Crawling is not far away and I must admit I dread it . Why ? B / c you are obsesses with the dogs and I know that as soon as you can crawl you will be crawling after them . Which would be fine if you would pet nice , but instead you pull and pinch . Mostly Fonzie , who I of course trust the least . Although he really seems to love you . You can say the dadadad sound now and do it over and over again , as well as blowing air out of your mouth in little quite pah , pah sound that you seem to find amusing . Right now your favorite toys are anything hard , as your bottom teeth seem to be driving you crazy for months now , but they just won 't pop out . You weigh 20 lbs and are 27 inches tall . I had to raise your excersaucer the other day to the next level so your feet don 't drag on the ground . You love to pull socks and shoes off of your feet , so mommy had to splurge and buy you cute little pink pumas that velcro . Sleeping is still about the same . Most nights you mornings you wake up around 5 , but will go back down until 7ish . Some days though you sleep all the way until 7 and I thank you for that ! We are trying new foods everyday and getting the sippy cup drinking down . What a fun month this has been . This has been the sickliest fall ever . I have a sore throat and an awful rattly cough and Harper has the cough , so surely her throat is bothering her too . It hit me Sunday night , so I skipped the gym Monday , ran yesterday and guess we are skipping the gym again today b / c she keeps coughing . You aren 't supposed to bring your kid if they have a cough . I can understand that of course . Sick of being sick . My eating has been atrocious lately , I seriously had fish sticks and onion rings in the same day the other day . . . made at home ! So today I am going to start writing down what I am eating until I get down to 125 ( 130 today ) . I need to seriously up the veggies and lower the carbs . Not going to worry about Thanksgiving though . Started the day off with a berry protein shake . Also on my mind is my running . I have had some good long runs lately , but have really been slacking during the week . I think by Jan I want to be running 5 days a week . I know before I have always said 3 days is enough for me . But I think 5 will really help me get faster . Since I am only worried about half marathons those runs don 't have to be especially long , 4 - 6 miles for3 of the run , 6 - 8 for another 1 and then 10 - 13 for my long . So from now until Jan I need to work on getting that 4th weekly run in that I sometimes get in . Wish me luck . What a nice weekend . I am convinced it is the nice weekend we will see around Cleveland until May . So , I made sure to get out there and enjoy it . On Saturday I drove down to the Buckeye Trail to meet up with Sara and Harley to run part of the half marathon course we 'll be doing in Jan . It 's part of the Run for Regis 50K , but we are obviously doing a shorter option . It was an absolutely glorious day out , sunny and warm . I took Fonzie and he made it through 9 ridiculously hilly miles . I planned to do 13 , but the 9 took too long and I ran out of time b / c I wanted to be home by noon . We had to stop a lot b / c we didn 't know the course and there were a lot of places to take a wrong turn . I am confident that next time we run it we will be much better off . But oh the hills . All the minor muscles in my lower legs are aching so bad . I also wore my new trail shoes that I just won and that didn 't help matters . I am walking like I ran a marathon . I should have taken an ice bath . I am really digging running with Fonzie . I am trying to be careful , I don 't want to take him further than I should . But I figure if he is still pulling than he has energy to spare . By the end of this run it had gotten pretty warm and I could tell he was done . I really need to find a better harness for him and a leash that is reflective . I have good running gear , its only fair that he does too . Last week he ran 13 miles with me . I am going to shoot for 1 - 2 more miles until he gets up to 18 - 20 miles a week , that will be great motivation for me . Any of you run with your dogs ? How far do you take them ? The rest of the day I was pretty lazy , but we did walk to the playground and push Harper in the swings . I am so glad she is biggest enough for the swings now . I didn 't realize it , but I met Salty and her son for a run on Thursday and we put them in the swings afterwards . What a big girl I have ! This morning I drove out to Rocky River and met TriSaraTops for a run / walk . I pushed Harper in the stroller . We covered 4 miles and then went to First Watch for some 4 I never win anything ! I can 't think of once in my life that I have won a contest , aside from when I was in middle school and I won 2 tickets to an Ozzy Osbourne concert ( no more tears tour ) , my sister couldn 't take me so my mom did . But that 's another story . Anyway , last night I went to a ladies night at a local running store ( Vertical Runner ) and I won a free pair of Brooks Cascadia trail shoes . Woohooo . These shoes are $ 100 . I was so happy I did a little dance . And I got my body fat tested last night and it was really low . So low that I don 't even believe the lady . But seeing the number sure made me feel good . I am hanging around 128 - 129 , I managed to keep a little of the stomach bug weight off . Hoorah . Speaking of running shoes . Aside from my weekend run I haven 't been very good at getting the miles in . I am going to try to up the weekly mileage next week , I have a half in 2 months . A hard hilly trail half . I don 't want to die in the snow out there . I 'm also signing up for the Lexington KY half mary ( near my hometown ) in March and the Cleveland half in May . That should keep me motivated through the winter . I hope . What a gorgeous day we are having in Cleveland . I fully believe it will be our last nice weekend until ohhhh June . So , I made sure to take advantage of it . I started the day with a 7 mile trail run at North Chagrin Reservation . Met a few friends and took Fonzie . I was afraid it would be too much for him b / c he 's never ran hills and only ran 5 miles , but he handled it like a champ and could have gone further . He had so much fun . Too bad he tried to bite my guy friend , sigh , this dog is a nipper , really have to figure out how to break that . He was fine with everyone as long as they didn 't mess with him , but the lone guy ( hes not big on strange men ) went to pet him and he tried to nip his leg , but I gave him a leash jerk first , shoo . He doesn 't aggressively go after people , but gets a little scared and slowly nips . It stinks . Anyway , the run was great . The leaves were gorgeous and it was like 55 degrees and sunny . The run felt good and I was worried b / c I am just getting over being sick . But I was able to run fast without a lot of effort and bounded up the hills . Woohoo . When I got home G and I headed to Chagrin Falls with Harper and did some window shopping and strolling . We also shared some Carmel corn and a milkshake . So much for those lbs lost while I was sick ! Hope everyone is having a nice weekend . Finally I am feeling better . Still a little weak from not eating much for a week , but unfortunately my appetite is back in full force . I still think I will manage to keep a few lbs off from this . Trying to see the silver lining from such a rotten week . Yesterday I went to the gym and did my weight lifting class , but Harper got fussy so I didn 't get to do the full class , missed tris and a set of abs . I seriously love my urban iron class . It 's an hour and you lift with a bar and various weighted plates . When I lift on my own , I never push myself as hard and worry that I missed some muscle group , this class ensures I get a good total body worout . You do 1 song for each muscle group and the instructor changes the tempo throughout the song , so you may lift for 3 , lower for 1 , then even it out 2 / 2 , etc . It goes like this : Back - deadllifts , rows , clean & pressesChest - chest presses down laying on stepSet of abs - bicycle and crunchesLegs - squats and plie squatsBiceps - just normal curls , but lots of themShoulder - delt presses , side and front raises , shoulder pressesTriceps - skull crushes down on step , tri presseslegs - lunges and squatsSet of abs - pilates 100s and bicyclesEvery 6 weeks they change the music and format slightly . I luv this class and credit it for being more in shape now than I was before baby , even though I still have a bit of belly flab that I only notice if I lean in unflattering ways : ) Anyway , today I am going to try to run . Probably just like 4 miles , see how it feels . I haven 't ran in at least a week . Later today we have new moms group , which I love , it really breaks up the day . As much as I love being home , I am starting to get more serious about thinking about work . One day I am convinced I need to just go back now before it gets any harder , then the next day I convince myself to wait until spring . I am just sick of worrying about money , we 've had some large bills ( cat vet bills , need new tires ) lately and I hate to see the savings account go down , down . I wish I could find a job that was 2 - 3 day2 Enough is enough . I am so sick of being sick . This weekend I felt okay , still a little weak and sick to my stomach , but last night was full blown attack again . I spent the entire night on the toilet or on the couch writhing in belly pain . I feel like I have a beetle with little horns making his way slowly through my intestinal track . Sorry for the TMI . Other than the belly issues the other symptoms are all gone , no body aches , headache or fever . Still don 't know if I even have the flu . All I know is I feel like a poop sandwich . Sigh . I haven 't worked out since last Tuesday and that is not helping with the crank factor . How much longer could this possibly last ? Now I have a day of being a mom in front of me , on about 3 hours of sleep . On the good side , at least that kid is CUTE , too bad I can 't kiss her . I am feeling a lot better . Still weak and icky in the tummy but about 80 % better than I was on Thurs . I have been on tamiflu since Thurs night . The bummer is that I still don 't know if I have the flu . I hate to take the meds and pass them on to Harper if I don 't even have influenza , but its better safe than sorry at her age . Supposedly the medicine is safe for her . . . supposedly . I was supposed to have my flu swab results today , but the lab is so backed up I probably won 't have them until Monday . It really stinks b / c I was supposed to go to a baptism and party tomorrow , but don 't want to go now b / c if I do have the flu I have no business being around babies . I also had to skip a much needed ladies fun run & breakfast 1 . b / c there was no way my belly could handle a run and 2 . b / c several of the ladies are preggo and don 't need the flu . I was really looking forward to that : ( On the good side , Harper still appears healthy so hopefully she will stay that way . My symptoms showed up on Tuesday , so 5 days later she isn 't sick yet . KNOCK ON WOOD . It 's very very odd to not be running on a Sat morning . I haven 't not run on a Sat since before Harper was born . I went to Starbucks this morning and saw all the random people in their running gear and felt so jealous and wanted to yell out " hey , I 'm a runner too ! " . I have no idea why . It doesn 't help that the last 2 days have been absolutely perfect running weather and there won 't be much of that left her in Cleveland . Oh well , hopefully I will feel all better tomorrow and can start my 600 min a week workout challenge again . Thanks to the flu I start a few lbs lighter , but I 'm sure those will come right back . Gary took Harper to his dad 's today . That is a truly bizzare feeling . I have never been away from Harper except when running , how funny / wierd is that ? Aside from maybe a quick trip to the library or drugstore . So I ran errands and they were much quicker w / o a baby , but not as much fun . No one randomly talked to me , lol . You are much friendlier when you have a baby b / c everyone3 I thought I had food poisoning , now its looking like the flu . Great . I went to the doc , but won 't know if my swab was positive until Sat . Gary stayed home today , I feel awful , he can 't stay home tomorrow b / c he has a project to finish up . Oh oh oh I hope Harper doesn 't catch this from me . Is it inevitable ? She had a flu shot a few weeks ago . Ugh , I am having a little bad luck this week , lol . I feel horrible today , absolutely horrible . It 's all tummy related . I had pizza last night and didn 't realize it had garlic on it and I don 't handle garlic well at all and I have been hunched over in sick pain all day . Not fun to take care of a 6 month old on the move when you don 't feel good . Oh well . My own fault . On top of that , I totally overdid it at the gym on Monday ( in weight lifting class , used too much weight big time ) b / c I was so gung ho to get started again . I can barely sit on the toilet from doing squats . I have been hobbling around for 2 days . I went to the weight lifting class again this morning in hopes my nausea would go away and getting my muscles moving would help . No such luck , I was a sweaty mess the whole class and almost threw up and couldn 't handle more then 5 lbs on each side of the bar and couldn 't get through the squat set . Eieiey . I hope I feel better tomorrow . I have missed a run nd need to run tomorrow for sure . Here is a pic of Harper and her playmate Nate . Every week my friend Salty and I get together to babysit each others kids while the other runs . Nate will be a year old in Nov . The pics are a little blurry , but I just love Harper 's faces Sunday , Oct 25 - I know I declared the other day that I was on a diet & giving up sweets , unfortunately I haven 't been very mindful of my diet . . . at all . The scale said goodbye to 130 & planted me back at 132 , so 7 lbs that I want to lose . Starting over again today . I am going to try and lose these 7 lbs over the next 6 weeks . I know that seems a little ambitious but you don 't know all the stupid things I 've eaten ( hello pizza for dinner last night & giant creme puff ) or the weights I have been slacking on . I have a pair of skinny jeans that I want to get into and I think it would be great to wear them on Thanksgiving to prevent me from overeating . . . I start anew today with a 75 min power yoga class . Here are a few goals I am going to try and stick to and be mindful of : 1 . Work out 10 - 11 hours a week , this counts dog walks2 . Get more fruits & veggies , I have been awful about this and it used to be the easy part for me3 . On days that G gets home from work before 5 take the dogs for an extra walk even if its just half a blocl4 . Get to the gym classes at least 3 times a week , important for me and also for keeping Harper used to the playroom5 . After Harper goes to bed get on bike in basement a few times a week and watch one of my many shows that I DVRHere is my workout plan for this week , not counting dog walks , they get one every day , varying lengths depending on weather , baby mood , etc : Today - 75 min yoga classMon - Urban Iron or BeamFIT class and 5 mile runTues - 5 mile run , abs DVDWed - Urban Iron class , 2o mins on bikeThurs - 5 mile run , yoga DVDFri - Urban Iron class , 20 mins on bikeSat - 6 mile run Six months ago today you were finally cleared to come home from the hospital . When we brought you home we sat your car carrier on the coffee table and looked at each other like - what do we do now ? Well some how we figured it out and 6 wonderful months later you are doing awesome . You are so smart and so full of personality . Thankfully your mild nature has continued on and for the most part you are always happy . You are sitting up and rolling over both ways now . You eat solid foods 2 times a day and so far you will eat pretty much anything . Looking at the dogs and trying to touch the kitties is one of your favorite pastimes , so is sitting in front of the full length mirror trying to get the baby on the other side . 6 months went way too quickly and I am so sad b / c I now have to start thinking about going back to work . I 'm not quite ready yet , but I know it will take some time so I keep an eye out for job listings . Going back to work will be the hardest thing I ever have to do for sure ! Hi there bloggy friends . I fully enjoyed my week off post marathon . I made it to the gym once last week and other than that all I did was walk ! It was nice . As for my no sugary junk for 14 days challenge , I failed . I made it a week , but then the husband went and made pumpkin pies . Pumpkin anything is my Achilles heel . So I started over on Monday and now hope to make it to Halloween with no junk . I will have some candy during the trick or treat , we get a ton of kids in our neighborhood . I love Halloween . I went out for a 4 mile run yesterday , the first run since the marathon . It felt great . My legs felt fresh and springy . Today I walked 6 . 5 miles . 4 miles with a group of moms from my new mom group and then 2 with the dogs . I got Fonzie a backpack and can 't wait to try it out on him . He is never tired . I am hoping that the backpack will help wear him out after a few miles and also calm him down on the walks . Supposedly a backpack gives a dog a job to do and makes them more calm and mindful . I don 't believe anything can get him past his squirrel freakouts , but we shall see . Harper is 6 months . Egads where does the time go . I need to do my letter to Harper , but will have to get to that later this week . For 2 days in a row I have weighed in at 130 . 5 . I was hovering between 130 and 133 when I got pregnant , so yay ! Pre preggo weight . I wanted to do it by 6 months and lo and behold Monday is her 6th month bday ! I hope I can get a few more lbs off . I have enjoyed this week off . I worked out once . Starting tomorrow I am back at it . Harper is sick . She got super stuffed up late yesterday and we were up all night . She didn 't fall asleep until 11 , in the swing , after screaming for an hour . She hasn 't slept all day . I keep getting her to fall asleep , whether by rocking or feeding her , but then as soon as I lay her down , she is right back up . She is in good spirits for the most part if you are holding her . I hope this cold doesn 't last 2 weeks . If she is sick next week I will go to the gym when G is home from work I guess . I am not taking any more time off the gym . On the tattoo front , I made up my mind on the 3 little birds . But I also have to hold off until summer , as the lady doing the tat said that I really shouldn 't get a foot tattoo in the winter and that she doesn 't offer her retouching guarantee on foot tats during cold months . But I did promise my friend I would get inked with her after our marathons , so I think I am going to get the symbol for mother in kanji on my rib . Or maybe that little round owl . Although my hairdresser has the astrological signs of her kids on her back and that 's a great idea too . I think I am getting a tattoo . Picking a design is such a hard decision to make . I have some links below to tattoos that I like and I would love any input or opinion you have . I have a few ideas floating around my head : 1 . 3 hearts all linked together or overlapping to symbolize each member of my family2 . An owl just b / c I love them and have done Harper 's nursery in owls , so it would be a little harper tribute3 . 3 little birds , I love the song so much and always have , it makes me smile whenever I hear it and has such a nice message , I picture three little fat birds sitting atop my toesnow where to get it , rib , back of neck and foot , leaning towards foot , but maybe a symbol for mother on my rib . . . . . I love this quote , ignore the butterfly part : ) http : / / beautifultattoos . blogspot . com / 2009 / 05 / quote - tattoo - and - geisha - butterfly . htmlCool starhttp : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / acda / one - of - the - better - starsLove this trail of stars tattoo : http : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / cindyyyy / my - 1st - tattoo - 64This tattoo is shitty , but I like the premise , Harper 's name in a star shapehttp : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / emma - jane - m / childrens - names - in - star - shapeIf I go with an owl , I like these : This one I like , but muuuccch smaller , but I like the stylehttp : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / adidas2366 / owl - 14cute and simple owl : http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / hellomorning / 3762031873 / I wouldn 't do the circle , but love the owl in the middle : http : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / cego _ tattoo / 109028If I go with the three little birds , the little bird on this card is cute and I could do different colors , maybe a polka dot one , a striped one and a solid blue one ? http : / / www . amazingpaper . com . au / persistent / catalogue _ images / products / LITTLE % 20BIRD % 20CARD . jpgThis is a neat tattoo - a swallow : http : / / www . checkoutmyink . com / tattoos / itseasybeezy / swallows - 38 Sorry running and triathlete buddies this blog is now switching gears to full fledged diet blog until I am 125 . Well in a round about way that is running related , I don 't think I want to try another marathon until I am firmly planted in the 120s again . I felt the extra 10 lbs I was carrying on Sunday for sure . I stepped on the scale this morning and it told me - 134 . So , 4 lbs over what I weighed when I got preggo . I look fine , I no longer feel like I look like a lady who just had a baby and has that extra tire , wider booty , etc , but I know that I look and feel so much better 10 lbs lighter . And I think my running will get an extra boost from the weight loss as well . Today I started my own version of a diet . The only rule is no sugary junk food for 2 weeks . Aside from the obvious no ice cream , cookies , etc , there will also be not one chocolate chip granola bar , bowl of lucky charms , or sugar laden yogurt . So , I will stand firm and strong for 2 weeks to get myself over the daily habit of sugar . Once I go a solid 14 days , I will then allow myself 1 weekly dessert that I will plan for and savor for all it is worth . Its time to start looking at the labels again when I buy things like cereal and yogurt and I will only be buying the product if it has under 10g of sugar in it . Hello fiber one honey flakes , goodbye peanut butter puffins - goodbye lemon yoplait , hello chobani , etc . I also need to dial back the diet coke and splenda . I firmly believe that the fake sugar makes me crave sweet things . Aside from that I am going to try and make my snacks veggies instead of cheese & crackers which have become a staple for me . Honestly my eating has been such a mess that I think a few tweaks should put me well on my way to 125 . I am feeling mostly back to normal . My knees are a little sore and my calves hurt if I lift myself up on them to like reach an upper cabinet , but mostly feeling good . I am going to go to the gym tomorrow and take my urban iron class , but I am only going to use light weights on the upper body and no weights2 ( Monday , Oct 13 ) Other alternate titles for this entry could be - " I have no business running for that long " , " Ow , seriously Ouch " or if I am being kind to myself " 17 minute PR bitches " . I woke up at 5am on Sunday to leave my house for the race at 6 . When I stepped into my backyard it was around 45 degrees out . Thank goodness I " overdressed " b / c when I got down to the valley for the race it was more like 40 and freezing . I wore capris , a long sleeve shirt , a vest and gloves , it was perfect . I couldn 't have asked for better weather . I hit the portapotty twice before the race and got lined up at 7 : 40ish . Since it was such a small race , I saw everyone that I knew that was going to be down there . I thought there were 500 + runners , but in looking at the results it looks more like 350ish . My goal going into it was to just run as hard as I could and feel as good as I could at the end . I started off kind of fast . I was watching my average pace on my Garmin and I knew I didn 't want it to get over 10 : 13 . That was my pace for the half mary two weeks ago . I managed to keep that avg pace under 10 all the way to mile 18 ! I was very pleased about that , but everything kind of fell apart after that . I stopped to use the portapotty and my avg pace fell from 10 on the nose to 10 : 06 . I managed to keep it together until the turn around at mile 21 , then my legs just kind of quit . I hobbled my way the last 5 . 2 miles and watched my avg pace slowly creep higher and higher to 10 : 20 . Oh well . I finished in 4 : 30 : 31 . Which met my original long shot goal , but since I ran so hard ( for me ) and strong until mile 21 , I would have really loved to get in under 4 : 20 . I would say that I really did feel just fine , 100 % okay until mile 16 . Then my stomach starting bothering me . I made a decision to stop at the porta potty at mile 18 and stomach was better after that . After mile 21 I started imaging my body was made of glass at that at any moment my hips and back were going to shatter . That 's how bad I hurt ! Mostly it was in my hips , knees and lower back , 8 Thursday 10 / 7 / 09 ( I just realized my journal doesn 't record the date ! ) I hate taper . I feel so unprepared for Sunday , I feel like its been a year since I ran 22 miles . In reality I know I will be okay out there . I am running this marathon off of the long runs . Which is not ideal for a fast time , but will be fine for finishing . When I decided to do this I of course hoped to train hard , but with Harper my mid week runs were a little shorter than they should have been . I managed to run between 30 - 35 miles a week for the last 6 weeks , along with cross training 3 - 4 days , but I don 't feel fast . . . . b / c I 'm not . I finished Cleveland in 4 : 47 , so I will be happy with anything under that , I would love around 4 : 30 . But anything under 5 hours will be on par with how my long runs have gone . No point worrying about it , I just need to get out there and do it , maybe I will surprise myself . Hopefully I will wake up that morning with out this unending blah I have had ever morning since the weather changed , sore throat , upset stomach , icky general feeling . I am really looking forward to the race being over . I keep stepping on the scale and its going nowhere , but I will fully admit that I have been eating like a madwomen . As soon as I get through Sunday I am back to journaling what I am eating and shunning sugar . I have had enough frosties , cookies and cereal to feed a small country that last 2 months . I can 't imagine the shape I would be in if I could ever perfect marathon training and sane eating . 125 here I come . My plan is going to be to cut the running back . I have two half marathons , one in Nov and one in Feb that I want to do , so 20 - 25 miles a week will be sufficient On top of that I want to get to 1 spin class and ride my trainer at home once , hit the 2 weight classes religiously and try and get a yoga class in as well . So , I think my week will look like this : Mon : BeamFit ( balance with weights , 40 mins ) and HardCORE ( 15min abs ) classTues : Run 6 milesWed : Urban Iron classThurs : Run 6 milesFri : Spin classSat : Run 8 - 13 milesSun : P5 Boy fall blew into Cleveland in a nasty , blustery way . It is cold and rainy and ugly out . Yuck . I am a bit under the weather , I think its just the change in weather , so I have been lounging around most of the week . I have gotten 2 runs in , I am running 15 tomorrow , and then I 'll run a few on Sunday to make sure I get 4 runs in this week . Harper is having a really bad day , I think she is teething . She has been crying nonstop and only stops if I am holding her or shove something in her mouth to chew on . Any tips on keeping her happy while this is going on ? I can kind of see that her bottom gums are whitish , so I think the teeth are close to popping through . I hope this is short lived . We started solids a few days ago , that has been fun . We started with squash & rice cereal and today we tried pears . She loves it . 3 I 'll admit it , it sounds horribly superficial , but one of the main reasons I really wasn 't sure if I wanted to be pregnant was that I didn 't want to gain the weight . I really wasn 't sure if I could handle getting heavy and if I would lose the weight . I had grand plans to be the healthiest pregnant person you ever saw and those quickly flew out the window . I stopped weighing myself once I had gained 50 lbs , who knows in the end how much I actually weighed . All I know is that now , 5 months and 1 week post partum , I only have 5 lbs to go to pre preggo weight . Woohoo . I did it . I got my 5 ' 3 body dangerously closer to 200 lbs than it should ever be and I almost back to the 120s , almost . I 'm sure the last 5 lbs will be stickers , but I am okay with that , I know they will come off . I really was scared that I wouldn 't return to a life of exercise , but I have . And I honestly think that once its all said and done , I will actually have a better body than I did before , thanks to twice weekly weight classes since Harper was 6 weeks old . There is a little extra skin on my belly maybe , but nothing to be too upset about . It would have all been worth it , even if I stayed in those much lager jeans I bought right after Harper was born , but I am glad that I am back in my old pants . And so happy that all the people who said I 'd have a hard time losing the weight because of breastfeeding weren 't right , at least for me . Next week is my marathon and while I would much rather be running it 10 lbs lighter , it shouldn 't be too bad if my half mary pace is obtainable . It 's a completely flat course and the half was hella hilly so hopefully holding between 10 and 10 : 30 will be possible . I was 10 : 13 at Akron . Unfortunately I am feeling really sick , I think its the change in weather , gets me every year . This is a little late b / c we 've been super busy lately . This 5th month has been the best , little lady . You have learned so much and are really becoming your own person . In the past month you have had your first real cold ( it lasted 2 weeks and was awful ) , but through it all you remained happy and smiley and chatty and even though you couldn 't breathe you weren 't that much fussier as I would have expected . We went through a bump with you sleeping through the night b / c of the cold , but you are now back on track . You made your 2nd ( for a wedding ) and 3rd trip ( for the Constitution Square festival ) to Danville to visit family and slept almost the whole way both times . You can now stand really well and the Excersaucer is your new favorite thing in the whole world . We call it your office and you can spend up to an hour in there playing around . You are still sitting well assisted and I think in the next month you will be able to do it on your own . You now look at books and can turn the pages , but mostly you just shove everything and anything in your mouth . I 've taken to calling you my zombie baby b / c usually when I pick you up your mouth goes straight to my face to chew on my cheek or chin or neck or ear . What mommy and daddy are eating is really starting to enthral you , so soon we will start real food . Maybe your weight gain will slow down once we start the real food , you are over 18 lbs at this point , a really big girl ! ! Can 't wait to see what month 6 holds ! And I have to post this picture , how uncomfortable does this look ! Today I ran the Akron Road Runner Half mary . We really lucked out b / c there was a 70 % chance of rain and we managed to complete the race w / o getting wet ! Well besides sweaty of course . When I say " we " , I mean me and my BIL Tim . If you remember Tim has lost almost 200 lbs and taken up running in the last few years . Because the race was in Akron we had to get up in the 4 o ' clock hour and I feel absolutely strung out at this point . I used to be able to come home from a race and just nap the day away , but not anymore now that I am a mom , oh well it is worth it . I finished the race in 2 : 13 . I really wanted to finish it in under 2 : 10 , so I didn 't make my goal , but I am okay with that b / c I didn 't feel well at all and my legs were killing me . I stupidly took a new class at the gym on Thursday and it wreaked havoc on my calves they are tender to the touch . I ran as hard as I could , by mile 8 I was pretty sure I was going to puke , I just didn 't feel good . But I made it through w / o puking ! So yay for that I guess . As always Akron put on a great race , 11000 runners , tons of crowd support and bands and music along the way . Plenty of water stops , GU and portajohns . WE did make one potty stop . I was surrounded by tons of runners the whole race and since my name was on my number I heard lots of Go Monica , which is always nice . At Akron you finish in the minor league baseball stadium which is neat b / c you get to run in to a huge cheering crowd . It was a good day . I wish I had felt better , but they can 't all be " A " races . Tim finished a minute faster than me and had a great first half mary experience . The towpath full is coming up in a few weeks and of course I don 't feel confident for it at all , but nothing new there . What 's that you say , a race report ! Surely not . Yep , I ran an actual race , for the first time since my half marathon last Oct . Which I hardly raced considering I was 4 months pregnant . I went home to Danville , KY and ran a 5K that went along with a craft festival they have every year . I must say I really wasn 't looking forward to it . I 'm slow and I haven 't ran a 5K in well over a year and the race was at 5 pm in a much more humid climate . So , I had a list of reasons why I was going to suck , lol , but I didn 't suck too badly . I did it in 27 and change and considering my best 5K ever was 25 : 13 I wasn 't too far off . I feel like I ran as fast as I could , the finish was uphill and I lost a little steam . Now I want to do another one b / c I really feel like I could do 25ish if it had been a morning race and I had about 5 more lbs off . I think I will run a local 5K in Oct , the Pigskin Classic . Look out . Next up is the Akron half marathon this Sat . Wish me luck ! Okay bloggy friends , I want you all to comment , all of you that read have to have something to say about one of these topics ! I need opinions / advice on several things . They 've all been on my mind and aren 't related at all , so let the randomness begin : 1 . I want some new tunes to run to . I 've exhausted my playlist on all these long runs lately . So , please tell me a few songs you love to work out to . I prefer rap and angry white boy music like Rage Against the Machine . 2 . Moms out there , what are your thoughts on the swine flu vaccine ? My doc says they will have them in Oct and I can give it to Harper since she will be 6 months old . I just don 't know that I want to give it to her or get it myself since I am breastfeeding . I do plan on giving her the plain old flu vaccine , but I am nervous about a vaccine that isn 't even FDA approved yet . No history on it , you know what I mean ? But then again , how bad will I feel if she does get the swine flu and I didn 't vaccinate her ? I haven 't heard much about it here in Cleveland , but it is all over the place in my hometown in KY . . . what to do ? ? 3 . I can never just focus on the task at hand , so I am thinking past the marathon now . I know I want to do a spring marathon , and then my plan is to not do a fall one and train for the MS 150 bike ride with Gary and some sprint tris ( back in the pool ack ) . Anyway , I want to get faster between Oct and late Jan when it will be time to train for a full again . What advice would you fast ladies give me ? How many miles a week should I log ? Should I get my butt on the treadmill and do sprints ? Should I just focus on losing 10 lbs ? I do know that I only want to run 3 - 4 days a week , I don 't want to stop doing my weights classes and spinning classes , I will never be a 6 day a week runner . I think cutting my miles back for awhile and concentrating on losing the pregnancy weight and then some will make me faster for sure . . . . I have a half marathon in Nov and Feb , and figure I will keep my long run between 10 - 14 miles after the marathon . I put another 20 miles into the Towpath marathon training bank yesterday . I was worried about the run . I was feeling under the weather all last week and only had 2 ridiculously short lackluster runs under my belt . I was still feeling aches in my ankles and feet from last weeks 22 miler . But I got down to peninsula at 7 , camelback on , granola bars and gus in my belt , tunes in my ear , garmin set ( sheesh I run with a lot of stuff ) and ready to go . This week I got to run with a very interesting guy that I haven 't ran with in awhile , so that made the first half of the run fly by . We had absolutely perfect weather and b / c we started so far south on the towpath ( due to construction by boston store ) we ran allll the way to Akron . I literally ran 3 miles further south than I ever had , so I had some new scenery . Some of it bad , hello water treatment plant , ughgggg . I felt pretty good on the 10 down and kept an easy enough pace around 10 : 30 , but when we got to the turn around my ankles and feet really started aching . So , the way back was a bit slower and more painful . But with a few walk breaks in there I managed to do 20 miles in a little under 4 hours . So , I really do think I can maybe run with a 4 : 30 pace group , if I get scared I 'll stick with 4 : 45 . What do you think ? All my long runs have been around a 10 : 30 - 11 min pace , but I think I could go a bit faster for sure . Now what to do today ? I never know what to do with myself the day after a long run . I think I wil take the dogs for a 2 - 3 mile walk , see how the ankles feel and do some yoga later . I weighed 138 this morning , I have been stuck there for awhile , but I have had countless cookies lately , so I need to get back to watching it . I really want to be as close to 130 as possible for the marathon . It 's hard as hell to diet when training for a full , not that I think you should , but I can clean it up a bit . Oh and I am horridly , unreasonably scared of spiders , they make me cry , make me nauceous . But look was has been living in the window at the top of my stairs all summer . 0 I am feeling better , in case you were wondering : ) Harper still has a nasty cough , but is better for sure . She kept having coughing fits last night though and that led me to run into her room every time and make sure she was okay . . . she was . But just to be safe I am not taking her to the gym daycare . So this week is just creeping by , it 's amazing how long the day seems when you remove the 8 : 30 - 10 : 30 chunk that was consumed by gym commuting and working out . Then I would come home , shower , eat lunch and the day was half gone . Gary is sick too . So we 're not having a lot of fun around our house this week . I took a few days off of working out , but I finally ran last night . I took Fonzie for a really nice " fast " ( for me ) run . I plan to run tonight and tomorrow morning and then have a 20 miler on Sat . So , I should still get close to 40 miles in for the week I hope . I have made sure to walk the dogs 2 - 3 miles each day , so at least I am getting out there . It 's amazing how off it makes me feel when I don 't work out . It 's weeks like this where I know I need to learn to relax and not worry so much about working out , but it 's hard when it 's ingrained into your everyday life . So many people out there just work out 2 - 3 times a week and are fine with it , yet if I don 't get 6 days in , I feel like the whole week is lost . So silly . I am feeling pretty good about the marathon . I don 't think it will be fast , but I have no doubts in my ability to finish it . I really hope to finish in under 4 : 45 b / c that will at least be a PR by a few mins . But as long as I am under 5 hours , I will consider it a success . I have a 20 miler this weekend , then I am out of town next weekend , so I am doing my long run next Wed . I am going to shoot for one last 20 miler , but b / c it 's so close to my Sat run , if I am hurting I will stop anytime after 16 . Then the next weekend in my half marathon at Akron . I am going to do a 1 - 2 mile warm up and 1 - 2 mile cool down to make sure I get at least 16 miles in that day . Then it 's taper time . woohoo . Oh boy Harper had her first real cold this weekend , it was awful , for her , but probably more for me : ) I was just so worried about her . Her nose was basically full of concrete snot and there 's not really anything you can do about it ! The bulb sucks , the saline is hard to get up their nose . But she is much better today . So , 1 bad night and 2 bad days and the cold is on its way out . Not too bad . But today I woke up feeling horrible . My throat hurts and one side of my head is totally clogged . Ugh . I guess I better find out what if any meds I can take . Fun , but it was a nice holiday weekend regardless . I started it Sat am with a 22 miler ! Yep I made it through it . Can 't say I felt as strong at the end as I would have wanted , but I got through it and I got through it in a time that makes me feel like I may be able to try for a 4 : 30 - 4 : 40 marathon . Afterwards I felt pretty good . I went home and got a hour nap , and that night we went to dinner with the in laws . Gary 's sister and her husband are in town from OR for the week . So we went to little Italy . That night Harper was up all night , so I was a zombie on Sunday and of course we had a party at our house ! So , I was not a happy camper . I was a mess Sunday , sore , tired and an unhappy stuffy headed baby to contend with . But the party was fun , everyone seemed to have a good time . Harper got up from sleeping a few times , but she slept most of Sunday night so I was thankful for that . Yesterday we went to G 's dad 's house , they had a get together for that side of the family for his sister . So , I got to see a lot of family this weekend and its been fun . This week 's running is going to be hard . I didn 't run Sun on purpose and missed my Monday run b / c we got home too late from his dad 's . So , I pretty much need to run everyday this week . Today I will be lucky to get 2 - 3 done , I feel like shit and I 'd probably be better off resting I guess . I don 't feel like I should take Harper to the gym daycare until she is 100 % so this week is just going to be off . I hate off workout weeks . I love 1 's , the first of the month , the first of the year , the first of a training plan . I am all about calendars . I thought when I had the baby I would loose a bit of that " obsession " but no , now I get to plot her growth on the calendar too ! Anyway , I decided to start the 100 pushup challenge over so it coincides with the start of Sept . Last week was a " rest " week and I barely ran . The week just got crazy and with the 14 hour round trip car ride to KY for the wedding , I just relaxed . But I started my week off right . Yesterday I hit spinning class and worked the heck out of my abs and then that night Ilana met me and we took Fonzie for a 6 mile run . This is the best running weather . I ran in a long sleeved shirt and capris , my fav thing to run in . I got up this morning and went to the gym for my Urban Iron class . I usually take it on T & Th , but they are changing up the schedule at the gym and I am going to have to change my workouts . I am excited about that though , there are some new classes I want to try and some older ones I 've never gone to . I think I want my week to look like this : Monday : Beamfit & Hardcore class - 45 min class on a beam and then 15 min of abs on beam , run in the pmTuesday : Spin class or Power Playt class ( 30 min class using weight plates ) Wednesday : Urban Iron , run in the eveningThursday : Spin class , runFriday : Urban IronSaturday : Long runSunday : Rest of yoga I can 't believe I 've been out of high school for 12 years . I graduated with the same people I went to kindergarten with . Small town , a lot of us stayed in touch . I can go years without seeing or talking to my hometown girl friends , but then when we get together , its so easy and the conversation just flows . This weekend Gary and I trucked Harper the 7 hours south to Danville KY for my friend Crystal 's wedding . It was a long drive , but Harper did really well . She slept most of the way both there and back . Good baby ! Here are a few pics . We had a great time and she had it at this gorgeous farm outside of our town . It was really nice to get caught up with some great friends and to see Crystal so so happy . This week I have to get back into training mode , I too my rest week a little too literally ! Look at those chubby cheeks ! ! ! First off I started the 100 pushup challenge yesterday ! Anyone care to join me ? I 've attempted it before , but never really gotten very far . I fully intend to complete it this time and have a few friends on Facebook doing it too , so we can check in on each other . I can only do 8 measly boy pushups . So , I hope by the end I can do at least 50 off my knees . I can 't imagine I 'll be able to do 100 , but 50 off knees and 50 with knees would be great . And then this morning I bit the bullet and went ahead and registered for the towpath marathon . So ready or not I am doing a marathon on Oct 12 . My schedule is going to be a little tough b / c I have a half marathon 2 weekends before , when I should be doing my last long run , but I will just taper 2 full weeks . I basically have to run 3 20 - 24 milers in a row , which will be a bit tough , but I think I will be okay . Wish me luck . New shoes came in the mail today and I slipped them on and took Fonzie for a quick 3 mile run . Nothing like running as the sun slips away for the day . We are having some lovely weather . I love love love the end of summer , beginning of fall . Even though it means winter isn 't very far away . Considering I live in Cleveland , we get about 6 months of winter . Ugh . Anyway , I had a great sunny 18 mile run this weekend . I went out to do 20 , but stopped short due to some awful chaffing on my thighs . Gross , I know , but I felt it with every step and couldn 't go any further . Boy I can 't wait to be rid of the chub rub , which hopefully won 't be too much longer b / c I was 138 this morning . Wooohoo . Once I am back to 130 all my clothes will fit , but I do hope I can see the 120s again someday . I am really hoping I can make it to 130 w / o much effort , as I haven 't tried that hard yet . But back to the running . The 18 miler did not feel as strong as I wanted it too . But I did a few things wrong , I didn 't eat as much as I should have for breakfast , I need some new shoes and it was quite sunny so I got really hot and drank all my water and went a few miles w / o . So , I just wasn 't feeling so hot after 14 . I wanted to feel strong out there so that I could come home and sign up for a marathon . But after that performance , I 'm still not sure I want to do a full . But then again , why am I running so far if I 'm not going to just do it ! This week I have to go out of town for a wedding , so I am using it as a rest week and will probably just do 10 miles for my long run , but next weekend I will attempt 20 again . Happy 4 month bday Harper ! We just went to the doctor and Harper is in the 90 % percentile for height and weight , weighing in at 15 lbs 10 oz and 25 inches long . Big girl ! Healthy girl . She handled her shots like a champ . A lot has changed this month . Harper is pretty much doing something new every day . She can almost sit up unassisted and hates to be held in the cradle position now . She wants to sit up in your lap , sit up on the floor , sit up in her chair , etc . She loves to babble and makes lots of new noises . Her favorite toy is her jangly giraffe from Lamaze , but she just got a Sofie the giraffe teether and is super excited about it . Harper usually sleep from 8 pm to 6 am , which is great . She is taking the bottle better and is really pretty much perfect , how did I get so lucky ! I made it through the 16 miler on Sat . I tried something new , I drank a 5 hour energy before I started . I did this once before a half marathon twp years ago and had a great race , so I thought I 'd give it another try . I have to say it really made a difference , I felt wonderful from start to mile 13 . Usually I feel pretty bad for 2 or 3 miles and then my running legs kicked in . But this time I was ready to go from first footfall . I made it through 12 . 54 miles w / o issue , then a friend I was running with got sick , so we walked a mile or so with her . She was having awful cramping . We ended up leaving her at a trail head and came back to pick her up later . So , I had 2 . 5 mile to get back to my car and then I ended up having some belly cramping and ended up run / walking the last 2 . 5 miles . Soooo I covered 16 miles , but I didn 't run it all . Either way , 16 miles in the training bank . I only ran 3 times last week , I missed one run all together and one got cut short by a case of belly rot , so not the most successfully running week . But I am pleased with how my feet held up on the long run . I have to admit I am still thinking of a marathon . Can you run a marathon on the long run alone . . . . ? Some people do . If I do one it will be the towpath instead of Columbus . Logistically it will just be easier . Decisions Decisions . As a public service announcement I will share with you something I didn 't know even existed until my sister and BIL introduced me to it . Sports Cream ! How did I never know this wonderful stuff was out there . If you are like me and don 't know what it is , it 's aspirin cream . I have been rubbing it on my feet after runs and it really helps . Love it . Oh and guess who finally made it to 140 ! 10 lbs to go to pre preggo weight . I got seasons 1 & 2 of Dexter and Weeds from the library and I 've been watching way too much tv b / c of this ! Both are really good shows . I 'm specially fond of weeds . Harper is asleep now so I can wrack up another episode of Dexter . Its a lot of pressure to watch a whole season before its due back at the library . Tomorrow morning I am running 16 miles , then having breakfast with some friends . It 's been a good workout week , but light on the running . I 've only been out twice . I was going to run tonight too , but G was busy so it was a no go . I did take Fonzie out once this week and he did really great . He 's going to be a good running dog . Weight loss is still trucking along , I was 141 this morning . I have also been busy this week getting my own little etsy shop started . It 's going to be called Harper 's Closet and I am going to start off making applique onesies , then move on to pillow dresses and apron skirts . Stay tuned ! I don 't even know how to sew , so this is a big undertaking ! But it will keep me busy and maybe pull in some extra cash . For having such great parks and trails . My sister and brother in law came into town this weekend . Tim and I got up early this morning and headed down to the towpath . We started at Boston Store and ran south 3 miles , then back past Boston Store and headed up the trail to Brandywine Falls . We ended up running 14 miles and other than some stomach upsets it was a good run . My feet don 't hurt too badly right now , knock on wood . So , now that I have done 14 , I feel confident for the half mary at Akron , now I just have to keep that fitness up . Gary is great b / c he watches Harper for me every Sat so I can get my long run in . He sacrifices sleeping in ( which he llloooovveeess to do ) to get up around 8 with her instead . All in all it amounts to about 6 hours b / c I drive about 20 - 30 to where we run and we usually have breakfast afterwards . These weekly long runs allow me to feel like I still have a social life and some athletic conditioning . So , I am so happy that he does this for me . But please observe what he did to my poor little baby while I was gone this past Sat . . . sigh . . . baloney face . Anybody besides me watching the new show - More to Love ? It 's a plus size dating show . If so , is it just me or is the " bachelor " totally creepy ! I don 't like him . Oh and speaking of more to love , I was 143 this morning , thank you scales gawds . About weight loss that is . I did really well in June , but kind of fell off in July . I was down to the low 140s at the end of July , but have managed to gain a few lbs back . I really want to be back into the 130s asap , I have high hopes it will help my running improve . Ultimately I need to hit 125 , but I know that will probably not happen again until I wean Harper . Anywho . Starting today I am going to write down everything I eat . I am going to do that through August , if it doesn 't help , well then I will have to go to online food logging and calorie counting , which I loathe . So , hopefully just writing it in a notebook and being more mindful will help . Also , putting my weight here in numbers I think will help , shame me into getting back down , LOL . No offense to anyone who sees my weight and rolls their eyes and wants to tell me to shove it . I have clothes that fit me from 125 - 133ish , not for 146 ! So , wish me luck . I have a wedding to go to on Aug 29th that will have a lot of high school friends at it . I really hope to be 140 by then . You might think 6 lbs is a lot to lose by then , but my weight has been fluctuating from 143 - 146 for a week , so it could just be 3 lbs to lose and some bloat . As I said my runs are still a struggle . I get through them , I get my miles in , but I am having very few runs that I define as a good run . A good run to me is not necessarily fast ( a relative term at this point ) it 's a run that I can get through and feel strong and like I could keep going when I am done . That happens maybe once a week for me . And I am blessed with the best summer running weather ever ! I think a few things factor into this , 1 is my weight and 2 is that up until this post pregnancy running , I never ran alone . I always met friends , I always chatted my way through runs . Now I only run with someone once a week ( my long runs ) and I have nothing to do but be alone with my head and for some reason my head tells me that I should walk a lot on my runs . Grrr . I make it through my long runs without walking and yet I can 't get thcomments You know I really don 't miss sleeping in . I always was a bit of a morning person . But I love getting up at like 7 in the morning , Harper super happy b / c she just got up and sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee . Good times . This morning sitting on my porch we saw a deer in our front yard ! Which is both cute but also sad b / c they are in town . Which is of course not good for the deer . But boy were my dogs confused . Last night Harper slept from 8ish to 6 am ! I call that sleeping through the night . Okay , when I got back from a party ( pure romance party , oh sheesh , I just got shaving cream ! ) at 10 , I fed her , but she never woke up it was a dream feed . But even 10 to 6 is great . She had a big couple of days . On Thurs we took her to her first movie ! I had been wanting to do this , I figured if I saw something a few weeks old during the day no one would be there , so what would it matter . We went to see the Orphan and there were only like 2 other people in there . She didn 't make a peep and she also didn 't go to sleep , which I thought she would . She just stared at the screen mesmerized . I guess I will pick funny movies from now on , certainly didn 't mean for her to watch a stupid scary movie . Yesterday we took her to the farmer 's market and for the first time pointed outwards in her baby bjorn . She had so much to see and loved it . One of the guys working the stand gave her a mini banana and she just sucked on it and seemed so impressed with herself , also gave her a piece of mango to gum on . She 's getting so big . My mom has been in town since Tuesday , she leaves today . It was great having a visit with her . But also great b / c I got to take 2 really great runs . I ran on Wed and Fri . Like I said I am going to run every other day . Wed I had a great 5 . 3 mile run right after it stopped raining , perfect weather . I didn 't have my garmin b / c the battery had died and it turns out I ran way faster without it ! I finished the 5 . 3 at about a 10 : 00 pace and that is with stopping at stop lights . So I was pleased with that . On Friday I took4
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We saw those gates last spring while we were walking around the historical streets in old Charleston . The gates were made in 1838 and were originally intended for the Charleston Guard House . However , they became too expensive for the Guard House and Sword Gate 's then - owner purchased them . They gave the house its identity and has been known as such for some 175 years . I first heard about the Sword Gate House as I was reading the book South of Broad by Pat Conroy . I read it just before we were to leave for our trip to Charleston so it was fun seeing the sights that were mentioned in the book . We were only able to see the gates to the house as it is a private residence . The article was describing a massive , three - year restoration of the house and grounds . The house had gone through many changes by the various owners and the grounds had been subdivided into three plats . The current owners decided to bring the original grounds back together , re - establishing one of the largest plots in the old city . I hope that when all is finished the house and garden will be part of the annual Festival of Houses & Gardens some year . I would love to see it . If you are interested in doing a wonderful house and garden tour the Annual Festival of Houses & Gardens in Charleston , South Carolina is a must . It takes place each year around mid March through mid April . Since we went to the 2010 tour I will write more about it at a later time . Leave a Comment » I had a question about the status of White Pine Camp . I don 't know who owns the facility ; however the cabins are for rent to anyone . Some have a two night minimum , some a week . Some of the cabins are available year - round others only in spring , summer and fall . If you go to www . whitepinecamp . com there is a lot of information . The site includes a description of each of the cabins that are available to rent . This sounded interesting , they offer a private chef service where your meal will be provided in your own cabin if you don 't want to go out to eat or cook yourself . Also for the weekly summer guest there is a complimentary reception in the Great room on Sunday evenings . They even include a complimentary chair message . I guess that will help set the mood for a week of relaxing . Trip Advisor has reviews from several people on their site and all the comments sounded very favorable . The camp is open to the public on a limited basis for historic tours , by reservation only . Also public tours are offered on Saturdays in July & August . Go to www . aarch . org for more information on the tours . I just wish we had been there at a time when we could have had a tour . I hope this provides some answers for you . Leave a Comment » I just had to take one more picture of my roses . They are the knock out roses and have been beautiful all summer . This was just after a morning rain . It is located on a bluff overlooking Lake Erie at Derby , south of Buffalo . This house also was way , way over budget . I guess they didn 't learn from their first experience with Wright . I have been in pretty many of Wright designed homes and they all seem too dark for my liking . Mrs . Martin insisted their summer house be bright and open . It was said that Mrs . Martin never really liked the house that Frank Lloyd Wright designed for them in Buffalo . With its broad cantilevered eaves it made the house too dark for her . So the inside of this one was a lot different than most of his . It is on Lake Erie and Mrs . Martin wanted a view of the lake from any room she was in . So this house has large windows and is nice and bright . The house is Wright 's concept of " organic architecture " where there are fresh breezes that flow through and the outside comes in , it is inviting and welcoming . He even has one of those corner windows that is all glass with no visible means of support . He did this also in his living room at Taliesin in Wisconsin . So there is nothing to obstruct your view of the outside . This house also is undergoing lots of renovation . The Graycliff Conservancy rescued the property and it is now a listed on the National Register of Historic Places . There were only a few of the original pieces of furniture . They plan that in 5 years the restoration will be complete and will be authentically restored as Wright designed . In the 50 's or 60 's , I don 't remember which , an order of priests bought the home and turned it into a boys school . They moved some walls to build a chapel , covered the pine floors with linoleum , and made several other changes . So the restoration committee is in the process of restoring it all back to its original design . Interesting story about the balcony on the house . Wright wanted to put it on and Mr . Martin said he didn 't want it he would never use it and it cost to much . Somehow Frank got his way and today we can see the balconyonthe left side of the house . We have managed to really luck out today . We were only back in the car for a short time when it started raining . So we made it through all our tours today and stayed dry . Tonight we are meeting a friend for dinner . She moved to Cleveland some time ago but we manage to see each other every couple of years . It 's always fun catching up . So all the sightseeing is over . It was a lot of planning and preparation but worth it as it all worked out so well . There were mornings we looked at our schedule for the day and wondered what were we thinking . How are we going to get all that in , but we knew we figured out about how much time each site would take and we had a hotel waiting for us in the evening so we didn 't need to rush . Each day worked out just as we planned . It has been a very enjoyable trip , we not only saw a lot of fall foliage but also a lot of other fantastic sights along the way . By the time we get home we will have driven some 3 , 200 miles and I probably took about that many pictures . We have been home for a few weeks now and I am finally getting all my notes posted . We are still enjoying warm weather with just a hint of fall . Some trees are beginning to turn but we still have a lot of green . So this will be the year when we have two falls . I just saw on the news last night that they were having snow in Lake Placid . So I guess our timing was pretty good . Leave a Comment » We headed back to Buffalo , NY . We were just here a couple weeks ago but it seems like a long time ago . We started out sightseeing here so it seems fitting we should finish it here . After today we just drive and drive and drive . The Franks Lloyd Wright houses we wanted to see weren 't open on Tuesdays , when we were here at the start , so this worked out just fine . Our first stop was Frank Lloyd 's Wrights Darwin D . Martin House Complex . This was constructed between 1903 and 1905 . It is his Prairie styling and ranks as one of his finest residential works and I think largest . It is some 10 , 000 square feet and was built for Mr . Martin who was a wealthy industrialist and who , over the years loaned Wright a considerable amount of money . Martin worked for the Larkin Soap Company and when the company was going to build a new headquarters Martin suggested Wright . Larkin met this new young architect when he went to visit his brother in Oak Park , Illinois . The Larkin Company Administration Building no longer stands but was considered to be one of Wright 's greatest achievements . Mr . Martin started out at an early age selling soap door to door and eventually became one of the highest - paid business executives in the country . At this point he thought he needed a house fitting his status and had Wright build it . As seemed to be the case in all Wright houses this one , when finished , was way over budget . The house is on about 1 ½ acres and is very recognizable as a Wright house , being his " Prairie - style . " It has graceful sweeping lines and the interior is supposed to be very spacious . Some critics have said it is one of Wright 's greatest works . Right now you cannot tour the inside of the house as they as doing a lot of restoration and there is asbestos danger in there . They plan on having the restoration finished in about a year . However , the tour guide gave a good explanation of the exterior design , how it sat on the lot , placement of the front door , which is not visible from the street , and windows , etc . One thing Mrs . Martin requested was that they have someplace for plants . To save money the Martin 's told Wright they saw a good atrium in the Montgomery Ward catalog and he could add it to the back of the house . Of course Wright wouldn 't stand for that and told them he would build something . The result was a covered pergola , leading from the main house to the gardens with a conservatory at the end . I liked this walkway and conservatory a lot . This we were able to go into . If you know anything about Wright you know he always has pretty low ceilings . But he relented in here and has a high glass cathedral looking roof . That was because palms were very popular then and they grew pretty tall . At the end of the walkway was an over - size statue of the winged victory . Down the walkway of the pergola the openings were framed to look like windowsand match the rest of the house . The interesting thing was that in the stock market crash Mr . Martin lost a lot of his fortune . Sometime after he died Mrs . Martin tried to sell the house because she could no longer keep it up . The person who purchased it tore off the pergola and built apartment buildings on the property . Eventually the organization to preserve the complex bought those buildings , tore down the apartments and rebuilt the pergola and conservatory . Where the complex comes in is that Martin enticed his sister to move to Buffalo by having Wright build her a house right behind his . There was a long story about how the Martin family was separated and he was always trying to bring them all back together again . We were able to tour his sister 's house . Not a lot of furniture in it and a few of the pieces that were there were from the Dana house in IL . In the dining room was a built in bookcase and china cabinets . That is because Wright didn 't want any furniture that was not to his liking there and this is the way he assured they wouldn 't be using some other piece . They are also in the process of doing restoration on this house . WRIGHT ' S SISTERS HOUSE On the grounds is also a carriage house that served as the chauffeur 's residence . It has the arts and crafts interior and is well preserved . The interior has a very warm feeling and is lit by an abundance of leaded glass windows . It was interesting hearing of the problems involved in restoring a house . CARRIAGE HOUSE One being that they are putting in air conditioning and they have to disguise the registers . Another big problem is replacing wood in places . The type of wood that would have been available is no longer available Like the molding in the dining room was from a very old stand of trees and there is none left in the US . They are having to look elsewhere for replacement wood . After they finish restoring the house they are going to restore the landscaping and gardens back to the way they were . Another dispute the Martin 's had with Wright was they wanted to get a greenhouse out of a catalog . Once again Wright said he could build one but they did put their foot down and get a catalog greenhouse . It is tucked away on the back of the property . When the Martin 's didn 't want to do something because of cost it seems like Frank had the silver tongue and talked them into it . Like the concrete design ornamentation he has over the conservatory . Wright told him they would attract purple martins and keep mosquitoes away . Our guide said he has never seen any kind of bird use them However , if you see Wright 's drawing he penciled in birds going in and out . It was an insightful tour and I certainly will want to come back again some day when all the restoration is complete . Another interesting way Wright would convince the Martins of something is that he was always talking about the importance of family and how this would help with family unity . Interesting coming from Wright who left his first wife and their children . If you read Loving Frank or Frank 's Women you will know what I am talking about . Leave a Comment » After leaving White Pine Camp we headed for Great Camp Sagamore located in Raquette Lake , N . Y . As we drove we just continued to see mile after mile of colorful trees . We are now in the Adirondack Mountains . There are also lakes all around us . It makes for some beautiful vistas . Our route took us through several little hamlets . I just remembered something interesting from last night . We stopped at a little corner store to get some fruit . I wasn 't sure I wanted to buy anything to eat there after seeing on the window they also sold night crawlers and worms . But anyway back to today . It looked like it was going to rain all day but when we got here the rain had stopped . It is cloudy and cool but much better than walking around outside in the rain and juggling an umbrella and a camera . There is only one tour a day here so we had to time it right . We got there a little early and went into town for lunch . By town I mean a very small area , we are really out in the middle of nowhere . The only thing around was a tap - room . Small place with only four tables and once again the locals come in for lunch and they all know each other . But a good lunch and then time to get back for the tour . There are only a few of these great camps left . We started the tour with a video about how these camps came about . People living in New York city felt they needed to get away and reconnect with nature . To refresh the mind and body . In the beginning it was an arduous trip taking 36 hours to reach you destination . They would come by train , then a boat and maybe another train ride to connect with another boat and then a carriage ride . Some people complained the ride was so rough it even knocked out their fillings . Great Camp Sagamore was bought by Alfred Vanderbilt , the great - grandson on Cornelius Vanderbilt . By the time he came here it was a nine - hour trip in his private rail car and then a carriage ride . Roughing it meant different things to different people . To the Vanderbilt 's and their contemporaries , it meant heading into the woods and setting up camp in luxurious estates . They had all the comforts they had in their New York homes . But the buildings were built in a very rustic looking style to give the illusion of camping . At Sagamore they had a 27 building retreat . They could accommodate about 24 guest at a time . The buildings consist of a dining room , entertainment hall , main lodge , game room , guest rooms and even a 2 lane bowling alley . It was built in a manner that the guest could not see where any of the help lived or anything , like a laundry and hen house , could be seen . They wanted to believe they were being self sufficient . It made them think they were roughing it . However , the amount of help outnumbered the guest . The idea of all the separate buildings was that you would at least get out and walk between buildings . It is in a beautiful location on a peninsula so wherever you are you can look out of the lake . Actually the original builder didn 't think the lake was the pristine lake it should be , it was swampy in places , so he dammed up some areas and changed it to make it the perfect lake . And today it is a beautiful sight . Now it is a resort where you can stay . Guests are lodged in one of three lodges . There are no telephones in rooms , no cell service , and no TV so that your relaxing is assured . A bell calls everyone for communal meals . There are 20 miles of hiking trails , you can play lawn games or go canoeing . According to their brochure they also encourage porch - sitting and relaxing with a book . Being fall there are leaves covering the ground and the air is heavy with the scent of balsam . The main lodge is very rustic inside with animal skins hanging on the walls . There is a gigantic stone fireplace . In the Vanderbilt 's time they wanted it to look like the stones just fell into place there . They did this by putting moss between the stones , to make it look very natural . Of course being indoors , by heat , this isn 't the natural environment for moss . They had the help spray the moss several times a day to keep it alive . Also several of the buildings were covered with the bark from the tree to carry out the rustic theme . After this we had about a four - hour drive to Henrietta , N . Y . where we have reservations for the night . After a while we drove out of the lovely fall foliage and on a normal interstate where the sights were not as interesting . At least dad could drive without me constantly saying stop , turn around , I see something I want to take a picture of . 2 Comments » We are in the Adirondacks and it looks like the rain is going to stay with us today . We headed off to Paul Smiths , New York where we wanted to see White Pine Camp . This was the summer white house of President Calvin Coolidge . There are many " camps " in the Adirondacks built in the late 19th and early 20th centuries . They spanned countless acres of forest and were beautifully crafted buildings that provided all the necessities such as indoor plumbing and hot water . Here camping & roughing it means different things to different people . To the Vanderbilts , where we visit next , it meant heading off into the woods and setting up camp in absolutely luxurious estates . Several of these camps are still standing today , while only remnants of others can be found . To get to the main camp it was a couple miles of pine needle covered road off the main road . Tall white pines on either side of the road and one very narrow , one lane bridge . The main camp is a very rustic setting . There was one larger cabin with one door marked President and another marked Mrs . Coolidge . We saw maybe 5 or 6 smaller cabins all of them painted a very a dark green . We could see a Japanese tea house from the boat house . It was out on a little island and seemed to be the perfect setting . With the rain and mist it looked very serene . There were various woodland and lakeside paths you could take . I read that there was a tennis house and bowling alley there also , but we didn 't see them . We just walked around to see things as we weren 't really supposed to be there since there was a sign at the entrance that said for guest only . They do offer public tours in July and August . There was a photograph of when the President stayed there and it looked like it was furnished very comfortably . Today it is open to the public to rent the cabins . It looked like the kind of place you would go to for solitude , to sit and relax and look out over the water . Also fishing and boating would be something you could enjoy .
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Welcome to The Bar T Mustang Project . I have , along with 100 other trainers across the nation , been selected by the Mustang Heritage Foundation to compete in the ' Extreme Mustang Makeover . ' I have three months to accomplish as much as I can with a wild horse , and will track the progress twice a week here . Check back for new postings ! I 'm a transformed horse trainer , I 've gone from the " Get a bigger rope " to now , " Get a softer rope " . I believe in natural horsemanship , which means that I do not use aggressive techniques with horses . I will be training the mustang using patience and respect . Check back twice a week to stay up to date on the progress ! Please drop us a note if you are following the Blog ! If you have interest in Mustangs I would also like to share experiences with you or help out in anyway . Contact me with questions or comments at thebartranch @ gmail . com . The Herald Sun / photo by Bernard Thomas ' Folks , Ya 'll have been so patient for the final unfolding of the saga of Medicine Man and his future . I do want to thank all for your interest in this project and the mustang . Saturday afternoon following the riding portion all the trainers were called together for the announcement of the finalists . At that time no one knew who had been disqualified in the 2nd portion of the competition . All were on pins and needles for the results . Well , as previously told , we didn 't make it nor did several others that we were sure were a shoe in . Those selected were without question deserving by the performance earlier in the day . We were dismissed and asked to be back by 7 pm . With seating at a premium we sent out for supper and commandeered our seats for the evening . The 13 finalist were very impressive to say the least . From roping cows , herding cows , shooting from horseback , jumping barrels , whip popping , standing in saddle , chain saws , laying down their horse , sliding stops , rollbacks , spins , side passes , flying lead changes , dancing , and just plan old good horsemanship for both rider and horse . This had to be most extraordinary display of training I 've seen in quite some time . ( You can view several shots of the night and a list of the trainers and more results on the Mustang Heritage Foundation website listed at the bottom of the page ) After the dust had settled I think all in attendance were pleased with the outcome . A young trainer , Guy Woods from Australia , by way of Texas was the winner . Second place was Kiitty Lauman from Oregon . WOW , is all I can say . Did I have a top ten horse ? No , did I have a wonderful , disciplined , pleasing horse ? Yes , and then some . Now , the auction . We had to be back for the adoption at 9 the following morning . All were drained because of the hectic weekend . I had to take Kathy , my wife , to the airport at 5 am for her fast trip back home opposed to the drive we were looking at later in the day . As mentioned earlier in the blog , we had no option but to offerPosted by I 'm sorry for leaving you hanging out there but the REST OF THE STORY will unfold on Friday , the 5th . I promise to update at that time . And what a story . . . . . . . . . . WOW , was that a trip or what ? We left out last Tuesday afternoon Texas bound . Our plan was to drive right thru with 2 rest stops for Doc to offload , eat , drink and walk around . Estimated trip time 24 hrs . Well , things went well the entire trip and we rested 3 times and made Dallas - Fort Worth airport in 22 hours to pick up Emily . We then headed for the Stockyards area for some vacation time and boarded Doc at the livery inside the Stockyards District . This was really cool as he stalled beside the longhorns used for the daily cattle drive down Exchange St . He traveled well but did show dehydration from the trip . I picked up 2 tubes of electrolytes to mainline his system and this did pick things up quickly . On Thursday morning , after a good nights rest we had the opportunity to work in the arena located beside the livery for an hour for some relaxed exercise . Afterwards , and this was really cool , Medicine Man and I rode the entire length of Exchange St . For those not familiar with the area this is where for over 100 years cattle were brought in and either slaughtered or shipped out from all points south and west of Ft . Worth . A lot of history lies here . This is one place where a horse really doesn 't look out of place . I highly recommend this stop for anyone traveling with or without a horse . The afternoon was spent shopping and sightseeing and we moved Doc to the Will Rogers Complex later that evening . Folks , this is some complex . We were in the Moncrief Building . It contained 2 arenas , 1 for practice out by the stalls and the other a very large air conditioned arena with seating for 6000 . The stall area would hold over 200 horses , each with a 10x10 stall . What a nice place . After we settled Doc and I had scheduled a practice session for 6pm so off we went . He was very relaxed in the large arena and negotiated all the obstacles set up with no problem . He never got out of hand , ( lots did ) and moved as requested . I was very impressed with his manners and discipline during this new adventure . Practice sessions lasted onlyPosted by As we work daily to prepare for Ft Worth we 're having those last days jitters . Medicine Man has been a champ as each morning and evening are filled with the same old practice , practice , practice . His strength has returned from the sickness but his energy level is somewhat down . I 've switched to XTN by Nutrena to bring his weight back up and also have him on an iron supplement daily . This has made a noticeable difference in his weight just in 10 days . Monday I started adding electrolytes to his feed and water to insure hydration for the upcoming trip and new environment . His feet are doing well with just a slight tenderness on driveway rocks but on smooth ground , grass or the arena there 's no problem . Roll - backs and spins were going to be the hole card for event but his energy just won 't make it happen . His stops are great , turns and backups are perfect for the trail . I guess we 'll have to see what awaits us at Ft Worth . Our plans are to leave out on Tuesday , arrive Wednesday and practice Thursday and Friday . The show begins promptly at 8 on Saturday Morning . Will Keep you updated as the week progresses . I did want to make mention also that several friends , driven by Helena had a send off last Saturday for Medicine Man and myself . This was a real hoe - down with over four hundred dollars raised to assist us in the trip . Thanks Helena and Dean , Vickie , George , Shorty , Diane and all my current and new friends . Got some spectacular news from the vet this morning . There is little , if any , rotation of the coffin bone in Medicine Man 's feet . Vet prognosis - Get ready for Texas ! That 's right folks . . . Doc is headin ' to Texas ! He is , however , slightly anemic due to his bout last week . The vet said this should be temporary and the iron level will pick right back up again with simple mineral supplements . Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers ! The visit from Dr . Kirkman went well this morning . Doc 's improvements are just phenomenal for this type of injury . His exam showed no issues or concerns . We did take radiographs of all four feet to 1 , show any P3 movement , and 2 , to give us a point of reference in the event of later problems . The results should be back by Saturday morning . His gate showed little tenderness unless we walked on the gravel . On request he trotted around the pasture by lead with no lameness . Vet recommendation . . . Resume training ! George dropped by this evening and placed pads on both front feet and filled the voids with a epoxy jell to help on the tenderness as he mends . This resulted in a noticeable difference as soon as he completed the job ! Thanks George for you concern and help in bringing Doc back to 100 % . Again , I can 't thank my friends and readers for their support and prayers enough as we " come out of the woods " with this illness . Just a quick update from last weeks bout with cucklebur 's in Medicine Man 's feed . After the close attention from the Vet , myself , and many friends Medicine Man started showing improvement on Saturday . Helena 's constant concern for Doc is really showing her true feeling about this young horse . His feet were still really sore but he moved around the pasture at will to eat and would follow the feed scoop for a meal . Sunday I moved him into a stall with 6 " of sawdust that proved to be welcomed by Doc . George Terrell , a wonderful farrier in the area that works extensively with problem horses came by and put foam pads on his front feet . Another welcomed move . With these 2 steps Doc was showing improvement daily . His system seems to have purged all the toxins from the feed and now the feet are on the mend . I haven 't made the call regarding Ft Worth . The vet is coming out Friday Morning for radiographs . This should give us an indication as to his recovery period . Today he is without pads and walked throughout the paddock with no noticeable pain and movement left , right , fwd and backward was on demand with no hesitation . What can we say but he 's a MUSTANG . A born survivor ! I 'll update the results after lunch on Friday . There has been a lot of excitement in the past day but you 'll have to wait as I bring us up to date . The past week has been nothing but work for Doc and me as we worked morning and evening most days getting ready for the show . I know I said from the start that I had no intentions in buying back Doc but this is really going to be hard . I 've never grown attached to a horse in such a short amount of time but this is really working on me . Though he hates to see me coming with a bridle in hand he now looks for the rub or a few soft words . Our entire this past week has been in the pasture or round pen working on those finer skills . He gives a new meaning to the word softness on the left and improving daily on the right . When I say soft I mean little finger wiggles for direction and very light lift for collection . His backing is a squeeze and small heel bumps for more speed . His gate changes from standing to trot is by shifting in the saddle and either a kiss or squeeze and you got it , Want more , another squeeze and you get that slow lope that almost backs up . Ok , maybe in someone Else 's eyes they do 't see it that way but from nothing to this with my limited skills , I 'm tickled to death . As far as I can tell we 've worked on everything they 're expecting at Ft Worth plus a few . Doc is having a little trouble with straight backing , he wants to drift to the left after the 4th or 5th step . Anyone have any ideas ? Most times a bit of barrel pressure on the left will fix it , maybe just time is the answer . I have noted some stiffness on the right , maybe me or his drive shaft is a little out of line . I don 't know , maybe I need a chiropractor ! Otherwise I 'm , as well as others tickled to death . On Tuesday Helena 's daughter , Casady rode Doc out the drive and around the farm bareback and only a halter , Folks this is a 10 year old cowgirl . Go girl ! Ropin pen on Wednesday for more cows . Not roping off him but he is pulling logs , fwds and backwards with no problem . OK , now for the scare . On Thursday afternoon I went out and found Doc lyiPosted by Its better than a week since the last update so lets give it a loop ! The weather here has been super hot . . . More days over 100 than under with nighttime only dippin ' down to the middle 70 's . That has really put a damper on ridin ' horses . Last Saturday we got in another mustang yearling to work with for my niece so that did occupy a couple of days in gentlin ' down so we could get our hands on him . This took the most part of Sunday to halter him without a lot of stress on me and him considering the heat . By Wednesday we had made great strides and sent him back home for her to continue to the project . When he left you could walk up and halter with little effort , lead from both sides off the shoulder , pick up his feet , and brush him down . He really was shy with new folks but that will change with time . Medicine Man had a few days off during this but we did get in a couple of late night ( after dark ) rides in before the big trip to Mt Rogers , VA . We left out on Friday morning , Chapin and Emily both on their QTR horses , Jeff M . on his mule , Cody on a App / Draft cross and me on the Mustang . A lot of talk going up on who had the mountain horse but time was sure to tell . All traveled well ( 3 hrs ) and we took the first ride early afternoon . We arrived at Rocky Hollow Horse Camp in Troutdale , VA after lunch . The weather was low 80 's , starting elevation was 3500 ft . We started out on our first ride around 2 with a goal of a 4 - 5 hr ride . Medicine Man wasn 't really interested in setting the pace up the mountain but held his on in the steep climb up to 4500 ft . We 've got to remember all horses on this trip were without shoes and boy , was it rocky . I will say he and the molly were the only 2 that really didn 't sweat much in the climb . Our only excitement was a golf cart the camp owner , Wade used to get around in . It had the wind / rain covers on and they really drew Doc 's attention . After a couple of minutes of investigation this was old hat . The ride was uneventful other than Cody loosing his GPS and the group having to split up to finPosted by The week after the Mustang Adoption has been a rest period for Medicine Man . When everyone else is kicking up another gear in their training we 've kinda taken the week off . We worked on lots of lessons learned but all in short durations . We 've practiced the lead without the lead alot as we move around the pasture , pen and yard . Doc 's even adapting to others in the hook up and is really impressing alot of folks . We had our feet worked again and other than those hoofs being so # & $ $ # ( * ) tough every thing was a breeze . Doc uses this as an opportunity to be near us . Any time we 're around he wants to have close contact always searching for a scratch or rub . With it being so hot he stands for a hose no matter what noise it makes . Before when the air rushed out or the water spattered he would jump around , now , no problem . We worked under saddle 3 days this past week with gait transition , flexing ( both lateral and at the pole ) , and backing . I always want a good pole flex before working on backing and I think we have it . His lightness in the bit requires only a lift of the reins with little bit pressure for a bend , let up and repeat and you 'll get more bend , slight steady pressure and leg squeeze and we 're backing up . Man , what a pleasure to train . We also are working on fore end cross over with toe pressure on the shoulder . Doc picked this up so fast he made me feel I was a good trainer . That 's a hoot of a thought . It 's just his quick learning ability . I guess to be a " Medicine Man " you have to have a good head on your shoulders . . . . . . We did have a bit of excitement on Thursday evening . Chapin and I set out on a longer trail ride with a few planned obstacles to accomplish . Both Doc and a nice gelding named Wizz belonging to Vickie G . needed some different terrain . Things went well along the first half with steep hills , gulley 's , and water . I don 't know how but we did find some water 3 + feet deep to work in and boy , did they enjoy that part . Later riding along the highway Doc and I heard a truck approach , his ears tracked itPosted by Our training with Doc is still progressing with his last adventure being attendance at the Mustang Adoption in Archdale Friday and Saturday . Though he had already been exposed to the commotion of a ropin pen the crowd and attention he received this weekend was incredible . On Friday morning we loaded up Reba , Medicine Man , and 4 panels in the trailer and off we went . With the help of a wonderful crew from BLM we had a front row display inside the arena for show and tell . Doc was a total dream through Friday with his patience exceptional as one after another came by to see and rub him . All in all , I bet 300 + folks exchanged touches with Doc . With his vast media coverage many people had already read of him and were excited to finally meet the " Medicine Man " . This was another incredible training event for him to continue in our " quest for the gold " in Ft Worth . We left both horses overnight , ( his first sleep over since coming to The Bar T ) with no issues . Saturday was again more of the same with news coverage from Fox News 14 doing a small part on him . The adoption went well with 72 of the 73 horses and donkeys finding homes when we left at 3 : 00 . I do want to say , Paige , my niece that I 've written about adopted 2 horses during this event and want to wish her the best with this new endeavor for her and her family . We did uncover one small issue with Doc - after his tolerance level falls , he wants to pen those ears back and nip at people . Not a hard problem to fix , but none the less an issue . I guess after so many rubs on the nose I would also . He did adapt a new taste for carrots from a couple of young girls with little encouragement . After loading up and returning , Doc was glad to be back and rested well the remainder of the evening . I still continue to be impressed with his attitude in stressful situations and hope this continues . Just wanted to leave a friendly reminder of the upcoming Wild Horse and Burro Adoption here in NC at the Triad Livestock Arena , 6296 Cedar Square Rd , Archdale , NC . Archdale is located just south of High Point . Preview is Friday , 1 to 5 , Adoption Saturday 8 - 5 . Live biding begins at 10 : 00 on Saturday . Medicine Man and I hope to see you there . For more information the BLM website is www . wildhorseandburro . blm . gov . As promised last Tuesday we loaded up Doc and off to the roping pen we went . This was his first time tied in a trailer with another horse , Scooter , his sparring partner and Dolly , a 3 year old mule belonging to a good friend Jeff M . ( We 've worked together for the past few years training mules the horse way and it works ) . There were no travel issues and upon arrival at the pen Doc was the only horse ore mule that would back completely off a 22 ' stock trailer . All others had to turn around inside to offload . This in itself impressed a lot of folks . His interest really peaked as we moved around , several other horses , cows , people and excitement . We traveled with all animals saddled so as soon as we unloaded I decided to mount and control his excitement from above . To my expectations ( his good behavior doesn 't surprise anymore ) he was a total pleasure in the crowd . We moved into the arena , loped around a few laps and parked just along the header side of the chute to help direct the steers as they were released . The first couple of turn - outs did gain Doc 's attention but soon became old hat as we just sat and talked with other ropers . After 30 mins and a couple of different riders , Helena 's ( a friend I 've spoken of earlier ) older daughter Cody took this opportunity to ride him around and was really impressed by his softness . Cody spends her time in the summer giving riding lessons to young children . Helena decided she would put him in the box and score a few steers to check his reaction . Well , again he acted as if he 'd done this before so off she goes running a couple down the pen . Doc handled this with a lot of interest , head down , ears back and tracked with little direction after the first couple of steers . I always thought his build and agility would make a ropin ' horse , now we 've discovered his mind also fits the mold ! Our time was cut short due to a thunder storm but the mission was accomplished ! Another successful adventure . . . . . I got back home Thursday evening after giving Medicine Man four days of R & R . I 'd moved him in with a couple of other horses on Sunday and had hoped they would eventually set the pecking order . At first Doc wanted to be the boss and acted quite aggressive towards Scooter , a 13 yo horse Chapin uses for roping . Well , seems as if Doc just wouldn 't learn ; he acquired a couple of battle bites during my absence . Seemed he 'd get new ones each day so I just had to make the move . During the day he 's on pasture and night he 's up . Eventually he 'd learn , but I don 't need the marks right now . Emily and I took a trail ride on Friday evening and Chapin and I on Saturday morning . Doc is really adjusting well to the outside world having little or no issue with any obstacles found . Emily did ride him on Friday and was just thrilled with the comfort of his gates . Seems she 's been riding QH 's to long . We had planned to take Doc to the roping pen on Saturday evening but time just ran away with us so we only took Scooter . I really missed an opportunity ; there were only 6 - 7 other horses there and the commotion was at a minimum . ( I will take him on Wednesday ) Sunday gave him another opportunity to expand his horizons ; we visited another mustang owner at her place . Dean and Helena have a very nice horse complex with 7 or 8 horses . We trailered over ; this was his first tied experience in a moving trailer and he was the perfect gentleman . Doc was very interested in his new surrounding with the noises , horses etc but remained calm . We each took turns riding him in the ring through his gates with no issues . His response to new riders , first Cody and then Helena , was very impressive . There were no issues except when Helena could not reach the stirrups and used her feet to hold on with by his flank . Not a drastic reaction but he did do a little crow hop with the new feel . This prompted a different saddle , one with a flank and breast strap and saddle bags . All new things . Not knowing what to expect , we lunged him a couple of laps Posted by Sunday afternoon here in NC was verrrrrry HOT ! Late that evening Medicine Man and I had planned on another trail ride , but the weather was just not in support of the idea . We instead just saddled up ( for some reason he was a little shy today with the saddle so we spent some time working that out on both sides ) and practiced a lot of lateral bending around trees , stumps , rocks or anything that could create a tight turn in improve his bending . This is not to say he 's not being the perfect companion , but instead his turns , bends and flexing are coming with just the slightest bit of bit pressure and leg squeeze . Vertical flexing at the pole is slow but coming along . Seems he 's gotten so responsive he just wants to back up . That surely isn 't something to complain about now is it ? After about 20 minutes of this , I 've wanted to work on trailer loading , so we moved on to new challenges . Our practice trailer is a 14 ' stock tag along with about a 14 " step - up . This is the same trailer we hauled him back from SC on day 1 , so he has some familiarization with it . Well , you wouldn 't think that when he saw it . A new beast , again ! I wonder how there mama explains all the things they need to be afraid of because he has no short list . It took 5 minutes of walking around , left and right , back and forth for him to stop and relax within 1 - 2 feet of the back door . This time it was all under saddle with rider , so at least I didn 't have to move as much . As we stood by the door , a storm came up . I took the opportunity to step inside to stay dry and lo ' and behold , who in pops his head ? ! No encouragement just surprise ! After a quick shower I backed him away and walked back up , back and forth to just when I thought he might lock down and repeat the step . On the third attempt to step up , he made the effort , not in but at least bumped his leg on the step - up . This didn 't startle him but instead he tested the step - up for the height . One leg up and I backed him back up . Return , 2 up and rest . Back up and move forward and 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 feet all in tPosted by Many inquiries have come our way with folks wanting to meet " Medicine Man " so we have finally set the date . We would like to invite any and all horse enthusiasts to our ' Meet " Medicine Man " day ' on the 22nd of July here at the BarT . Time is from 2 : 00 to 6 : 00 . We set this date 1 week prior to the BLM Mustang Adoption in Archdale in hopes of creating more interest in the Adoption . So , if you 'd like to meet the horse that is quite the celebrity or " Reba " my 4 yo last year adoption come on out ! Email us for directions @ TheBarTranch @ gmail . com As we finished up week 4 , many things have happened . After the day of bonding last Sunday it seems as if Doc and I have become a team . Late Sunday evening my 15 year old niece , Paige , was down from VA for a little horse time . She actually climbed on Doc bareback ( Her first time ever on a horse bareback ) . This went well resulting in another Doc admirer . In the pasture , lot , or stall he 'll attach himself to me as I approach him . He gives me a welcome as I come around each morning or evening . He 's still sharing a lot with Misty , a 2yo here for training . Monday we had our feet cleaned and rasped , both front and back , not that they were in bad shape , but he needed it for training . This was also his first tying experience . It went well ; itgave him no choice as I moved from left to right and around his hind quarters . We only had a couple of pull - backs that resolved themselves in a matter of minutes . Lunging is still progressing with his circles being constrained from an 8 ' circle to the entire round pen . His turns are getting some fire in ' em with a few actual roll - backs thrown in He still gets confused sometimes on the turn verses stops but he 's picking it up . Tuesday was light with a ride around the pasture , then I walked him up to the highway for a little car reaction . I guess the 1700 miles along the interstate mellowed him to traffic . His first truck resulted in raising his head up , ears forward , ½ circle , but that was it . He gave # 2 only slight attention , # 3 he never lifted his head up from eating grass . ( We were within 20 ' of the highway itself ) Then it was time to go back down for a bath and feed . Wednesday , the 4th , gave Doc a day of rest . His only excitement was the fireworks and motorcycles that afternoon and evening . His lot is right beside one of the trails we ride dirt bikes on , so he really became accustomed to the noise , dust and activity . The bottle rockets that night really had his attention up ; I think he would had rather missed that part . Friday morning came with a breeze and cooler temperPosted by I just had to get on today and share this mornings experience . I went into Medicine Man 's stall and wanted to bring him out and about without the lead . I gave him a couple of minutes to hook on and lo ' and behold out we went , no contact , no lead . Around the round pen and into the pasture with just his desire to stay by me . Man , was I proud . When I would stand around a few minutes he might eat grass or loose attention but all I had to do to regain the attachment was move back along his side , step to his rear and again we were 1 . Chapin came over with a hand full of cherries so we offered him one . No way , nothing he 'd ever tasted or wanted . I actually put one in his mouth and he chewed and spit it out . Not a taste for today . I also wanted to try out bridling . We went back to the on again , off again with the halter 10 - 15 times along the way really giving his face a rub each time . Then the bridle , right arm through the ears lifting as I offered the bit . He never bolted but he just didn 't want anything in his mouth . So , lets slow down , put things in smaller steps . First , the bridle up across the ears with the bit below his chin . No problem , next a finger in the side of his mouth , He really had a tight lip for this but did give in with a little coxing . After maybe 5 minutes of this he finally did open up and accept the bit . I use a copper snaffle for the saliva effect . . I think it causes them to relax a bit . I repeated this several times and just let him stand by me as he adjusted to the new dental fixtures . I pulled up a chair and sat in front of him to build on our connection . Below , the pictures should tell the story of our results . ( Disreguard my inapproiate dress ; it 's kinda hot here ) Right now , I 'm on the Internet looking for some growing pills for horses . If this young man was 16 hands I can assure you he would not leave the Bar T . I do have 1 question to ask the readers . I 've had my view point on aging via teeth . His 7 year tooth is about 3 / 8 on an inch long . The BLM had him aged at 4 . Please respond if you havPosted by Well guys , the excitement just keeps coming with the interest in Medicine Man . On Wednesday afternoon we recaped on all lessons learned . I took the opportunity to work on his feet a little , more to clean out and clean up than anything else . If I molded the perfect foot , it would look like " Doc 's . " Strong outer wall , healthy frog , no soft spots , odors , or shallow heal . I plan to continue to operate " Doc " as the Shoeless Joe Jackson . " This little man has it together . Being of sound mind and weak pockets , I do all my own hoof care unless I get into something I just don 't understand . I have a super farrier friend , George , who has always provided me with great advice and suggestions when needed . Thursday morning we were scheduled for a visit from Kim G . from NBC 17 . Earlier , I took " Doc " for the first time out of the pasture and away from the barn . The pass from the pasture gate to the outside world again was a challenge for his comfort zone . To pass through the 4 ' gate into the drive took 5 minutes of forward and backward movement , smelling , looking and listening . We made it and the trip and I took him around the motorcycle trail for an adventure . From vehicles , trailers , 2 creeks , a pond , a pond dam , a sawmill , the house , the shop , plastic barrels , and other noises beyond his sight made " Doc " a nervous wreck . This trip took about an hour - total distance traveled , 4 / 10 mile . Then I took him back into the pasture for aquick spray off , some bug spray and then we waited . The TV crew arrived at 10 : 00 AM and " Doc " had regained his bravery . We ran him through his paces and wanted to share a new experience for the media . How about a blue tarp . . . I had planned on this taking 5 - 10 minutess but " Doc " had a different idea . His first step onto it caused him to walk on air ! So , we advanced and retreated with a little help from the lunge whip ( only very light taps behind the back to encourage forward movement ) . At one time he was challenged with the option of running over me or step on the mat , well this young man made himself thin Posted by Let 's try to catch up from last Friday . On Saturday , day 14 , Medicine Man continued to amaze the masses . After his performance for the reporter , quite impressive I might say , we wanted to improve on his leading off the shoulder . I like for my horses to stay parallel on my left or right shoulder , about 1 - 2 feet away during movement . On start , stop , left and right turn , and backing , I want him to stay glued there . Starting with me on his left side and a little help from a lunge whip and the fence , " Doc " picked up the idea within 5 minutes . I only had to lay the tip of the lunge whip on his hip to get forward movement with a little clucking and a slight tug . He only showed slight concern of the lung whip moving around behind my back but it was enough to encourage forward movement . I wanted to accomplish good lead control before he was introduced to the " world beyond . " After 15 minutes on each side , it was time . So , I opened the gate and " let him go . " Well , ok , a bit more controlled ; it did take a few minutes of coaxing for him to realize there were no beasts beyond the confines of the ring , but the sight of green grass was too much ! Five steps out and hmmmmmm , what a taste ! I figured he has not tasted anything green since his capture , almost a year ago , and boy was this paradise ! A walk around the fence line ( I have all high tensile electric ) so he saw his boundaries , and then turn him loose . I promise , if he moved out of a 50 ' square box the entire afternoon I never saw it . No attention to his newly aquainted friends other than just the occasional glance , his mind was all GREEN . Throughout the remainder of the day , we would on occasionally just walk up to him , pick up his lead , move him a few steps and release him . The goal is to assure him that anyone can walk up to him without fear . Later that evening I returned him to his pen , a little sweet feed and good night . I did forget to mention he was given a friend to share his pen with , a 2 yo QH mare named Misty that Chapin is training . It took them a whiPosted by It 's been 5 days since the last update so bear with me as I bring you up to speed . After Father 's Day , the weather here has been very hot and humid . Our best training time has been late evening prior to dark . Each evening this week we recapped an all lessons learned - 2 eyes , easy catch , leading , more desensitizing and giving to pressure along his shoulder , barrel and hip on both sides . I 'm looking for yielding with just the slightest bit of touch . He now stands for several items including ropes , blankets , fishing poles , etc . with just the slightest bit of interest . Left and right yielding have also been a focus to soften that huge neck . Backing has become natural as well , with the slightest bit of pressure on the lead or hand signal . He very seldom freezes during leading and if so just a bit of direction change gets him moving again . Emily spent some time one evening on his face and this has really made a difference with haltering and brushing . Lunging is improving ; he gives to the side pressure of the line and he 's really keeping his head set toward the inside for direction . His left side is still better than the right on turns , but progress is being made each day . Today , Friday , 22 Jun , we had a visit from the local newspaper , The Chatham News , for a possible story ; the opportunity for something special moved itself up 1 day . Saddle time . I started with the blanket , ( old hat ) then moved to the surcingle ( sorry ' bout the spelling ) . Man , what a waste of time . He gave it no more attention than the falling sky . Next , the saddle . I started with a light child 's saddle just putting on a removing it from both sides . I did it maybe 10 times without a cinch , just lots of flopping straps , sturrps , and latigos . Next came the real McCoy ! He gave it little attention , even during the cinching up " til . . . I asked for him to lunge . I expected a bit of action so I kept a good hand on the rope and gave him his room . " My response was to try and jump right out from under this saddle ; that didn 't work so I 'll try to out run those flapPosted by Day 8With Father 's Day on the horizion , and not knowing that the " Medicine Man " was a father or not , I kinda gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided for a light day . We just spent some relaxed time this evening just chilling . I did hang up some objects around his stall and placed a few play toys in the pen for him . Seems as if nothing scares him on his terms . He 's pulled every rag , lunge line , lunge whip , rope and anything else he can get his mouth on . I did witness where all his water has been going . Seems he likes to play with and then pick up his water container and slosh it around ' til its empty . Maybe he just don 't like the dogs drinking with him . I guess that 's about it for now . Tomorrow ? Lets just wait and see ! Day 7Saturday was filled with a lot of opportunities to spend 5 - 10 minutes at a time with " Doc " . I started off early morning ' r0und 7 working on the face . I found his sweet spot ! Inside each ear , that 's right , inside the edge and along the flap on each ear . He 'll ' bout push you over bringing his head into you so you 'll rub harder . Next session , around 10 , I worked his right side and both feet . I was on and off his back laying , lunging , and leading him . I began another session at 1 with a fellow horse person , Molly B . She came by to see " Doc ; " I had made the promise that Saturday would be the day to ride . With the horse flies in good full combat gear , we needed to give " Doc " a little relief . I first started with the spray bottle full of water and begain to mist the air . He really was into the mist and made several attemps to move just beyond the coverage . Within 5 minutes , I had covered both sided to include his rump and back legs . The next 5 minutes were with the real thing and , poof ! no flies . I gave him a few minutes to dry off and on to our next adventure . Well , I had to make good on my word so " Doc 's " first ride happened about 1 : 15 on day 7 . You would have thought someone had drugged him ; his response was so indiffrent I had to continually look at the brand to be sure I was on the same horsJimmy Thomas Day 6Wow , today was really great here in NC . This morning it was 65 and cloudy . A perfect day for horse training . I had just planned on recapping all lessons learned prior , but " Medicine Man " was really into the learning phase . . . . I started with more focus on his right side and was able to advance and retreat across the pen with little and then no resistance . Things were going so well I just felt like a challenge . Within 5 minutes I had my entire weight on his back , neck , and hips . Off and on 15 times each side as long as I wished . . . No flies to bother him really makes the difference . My next goal was to complete the leading process so I passed this on to my son who really wants to have a hand in this project . By starting in small circles , getting both front and rear crossovers , really good training for future moves . Within 15 - 20 minutes , Chapin had him moving 7 or 8 steps forward , 30 minutes completely across a 55 ' round pen . We finished up with 5 minutes of lunge line work , walk , trot , and canter both directions . This has really come natural to Doc . Great success leads to an early rest for Doc , so halter off , early feed and hay and we let him relax for the remainder of the day . As we moved around his pen the rest of the day he became quite interested in wanting some contact . . . always looking at us . That 's my reason for keeping him away from other horses . His only live contacts are humans and 3 dogs . ( Sarge , my German Shepard has really taken a shine to Doc and always wants to share in his feedtime , he also likes sweet feed ) . Day 5This evening was blessed with a 45 min downpour that really made my training pen damp . Kinda limited me to much lunging . . . The first approach to " Doc " was met with a bit of rejection . After a couple of min 's he let me touch his left side . I put his halter back on and moved directly to the right side for more desensitizing . We worked with his front feet more and could control the time we held them with little resistance . More constant rubbing has really brought him around . I began to lay across his back with 10 - 20 lbs of my body weight with no problems . As things moved along I worked with a white cloth on a stick with little problems so the ' ole Walmart plastic bag was next ! New story . . . Boy , was he shy of the noise ( it really sounds like a rattlesnake when shaken quickly ) . This took the remainder of the time for the day so we called it a day afterwards . Total time , 2 hours . ( A local newspaper was here today for a story on Medicine Man ) . OK guys , the time has come . I 'm going to try to update you on the status of " Medicine Man , " our Mustang Makeover project . " Medicine Man " is named after his capture area in Maverick - Medicine , NV in July , 2006 . Upon capture he was held in a containment area ( large holding pens with little people contact ) except for his trip to the Doctor for shots , guilding and a Coggins test . His feet were trimmed one time about 4 months ago in a squeeze chute . He was selected along with 99 other mustangs from the Bureau of Land Management National Wild Horse Burro Center at Palomino Valley , NV for the ' Extreme Mustang Makeover ' . The EMM is a competition created by the Mustang Heritage Foundation and supported by the Bureau of Land Management to increase the interest in the wild mustang and its many uses . Around the first of June he was shipped to Oklahoma City , OK where he was held for pick - up by a fellow trainer and transported to SC . We picked him up on Saturday after a 5 hr trip to Moncks Corner , SC . " Doc " as we 'll call him for short , is a dark Bay with a star and snip on his face , two white spots on each rear hock wonderful black feet , huge hips and a working horse neck . He has good withers , a wide face and a small mustache just above his lip . . . The loading went well with him already separated from the other two mustangs earlier that day . Once being offered the open trailer he only challenged the entrance a couple of times before entering . ( I hauled him in a 14 ' stock trailer back to Pittsboro . ) During the trip back we stopped a couple of times to check on his status , finding him a bit on edge from the commotion along I - 95 . We arrived back home around 5 : 00 pm . I was faced with a bit of a challenge after we got home because I wanted to remove his halter and lead rope . It is a requirement at any BLM agency to place a halter on all horses before being released to the new owner . ( This is done in a confined chute where the horse has no moving room ) . After all the horror stories I 've read , I just hate to leave a halter on a horse overniPosted by
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Sorry I 've been M . I . A . lately . I had a baby with double ear infections and a screaming hot fever that wouldn 't go away . Once she was better , we went off to play for the week up north to see my family . Don 't worry though . Whenever the girls in the family get together you know there is some crafting going on so I 'll show you what we were up to . Jo - Ann 's had all there buttons buy one get one free plus 10 % off your purchase so I snatched some up to make some button earrings for super cheap . I saw the idea at Trey and Lucy . This has to be the easiest " craft " ever ! I think it took less than 2 minutes to do the whole thing so I don 't know how much that counts as being " crafty " . I just took my wire / metal cutters ( I don 't even know what the tool is called but at least I know how to use it ! ) and snapped off the back of the buttons and glued the button with some E6000 to earring posts . You can also use hot glue I was just being impatient and didn 't want to bother waiting for the glue to heat up . And there you go ! Here is my " modeling " pose for you and in case you are wondering , yes my skin is that white all year round ! ; 0 ) I also bought some huge buttons to make some rings but haven 't put them together yet . I 'll have to show you some time . This is the easiest salad ever ! It is also very delicious . My husband even loves it even though he thinks it looks like one of those girlie salads made for girl parties like baby and bridal showers . You can make this as fancy as you 'd like by adding in lots of extras like mandarin oranges , cheese , red onion , etc or keep it simple like I do . Don 't get me wrong , I looove all the fancy extras that people have in this type of salad but I don 't love taking a half hour just to make a side salad for dinner ! If a recipe is simple it 's certainly going to be made way more often at my house than one that I have to have lots of different ingredients and time to make it . This recipe makes quite a bit and the leftovers don 't save so only make how much you will eat that night . First you will toast the almonds or pecans . 1 - Sprinkle the sugar into a small saucepan . 2 - Melt over medium heat while stirring constantly . This happens really quick ! 3 - Dump in your almonds or pecans and stir until coated and they smell " toasted " . I know I have zero scientific explanation of how to tell you when it 's done but trust me you will smell the " toasted " smell . It only takes a few seconds . 4 - Spread the almonds onto a piece of tinfoil or wax paper to cool for a couple minutes . Once cool , break the pecans / almonds into chunks . Now all you have to do is toss everything together . Only mix in a little dressing at a time , just enough to coat everything . A little goes a long way . Serve immediately . I 'm sure most of you have heard of Bountiful Baskets if you live in a state where it 's offered ( check out their site to see if it 's available in your area ) but I had to let everyone know about it in case you haven 't or in case you forgot that it exists like I did . ; 0 ) It is ran by volunteers where you get a ton of fresh fruit and veggies for just $ 15 . Look what I got this week . . . Yummy ! That is a ton of fresh produce for not much moo - la people . They claim it saves you $ 35 . 00 if you were to buy all that produce at the grocery store which I think is stretching it a bit , but I am also cheap and don 't usually buy things unless they 're a good price . This was the first time I 've actually ordered . I 've been meaning to order for months but I never remember until it 's too late . I must say I am really happy with what I got . My only complaint is that the entire bag of clementines I was given were too ripe but I 'm sure that must not always be the case otherwise people would stop ordering and the program wouldn 't still be around after all this time . I think this will be a great way for my family to make sure we eat all our fruits and veggies because I hate wasting food and for that matter money too so I know we 'll be motivated to get it all eaten ! I think I forget just how many fruits and vegetables we should be consuming . For a 2000 calorie diet ( according to the USDA ) , it is 2 1 / 2 cups vegetables and 2 cups fruit consumed each and every day ! I think this will also be a nice way to plan out meals for the week . You don 't get to pick what you get so it 's a surprise , but it 's always 50 % fruit and 50 % vegetables . Because of this I will be planning out my meals for the week on Saturday , the day you pick up your food . I made a salad yesterday with the strawberries and spinach I got . The best part is it was super simple ! I 'll share the recipe with you tomorrow . Bountiful Baskets only take orders on Mondays starting at noon until Tuesday at 10 : 00 pm so you have a few hours left if you want to order this week , so order quick ! Okay enough blabbing . Until tomorrow . at McKinley has needed new clothes for church for a long time but I haven 't ever gotten around to it until now . I made this cute skirt using this tutorial from Sewing In No Man 's Land and then I also made a headband to match . I must say I love it ! Sorry , there will be no cute posed pictures . I had to give Kin bribes just to get her to hold still for half a second and I certainly wasn 't going to go outside in this freezing weather , so just imagine you see a beautiful field behind her or something . : 0 ) The bribes only kind of worked ! Do you see her cheeks are full of goldfish crackers in each picture ! I don 't know how people get in focus pictures of toddlers . This girl is wild . This is as still as I could get her and it 's only because she would drop a cracker and pause to look for it . The skirt has a high waist , although it doesn 't look like it in my pictures because the waist was folded over . Kelly also gives the pattern for an adult size and I 'm tempted to make one for myself . Go check it out ! I 'll be linking to some of these places . I kind of have an obsession with pillows . Ironically , the pillows on my couch are p - i - t - i - f - u - l ! I think they are about an inch thick because they 've lost all their stuffing ! I am determined to change that , so to start I made this pleated pillow . I want to have a mixture of both patterned and solid pillows but I didn 't want the solid pillows to be boring so I have been on the look out for some pillow inspiration . I found some from Cottage Instincts when I saw this pillow hanging out in the background on this couch . . . I attempted to copy hers which I 'm sure you 'd think is simple because there is not much to them but I am definitely what you would call a beginner sewer . As in , this is the first pleat I 've ever sewn . If I knew what I was doing I would 've done a tutorial , but I didn 't . The things I will change the next time is add extra length to the pleated panel of fabric . I only added an extra 6 inches for three pleats which was not near enough , but you live and learn right ? The sad news for this pillow is that it probably won 't even be used . I am trying to use more bold colors in my living room and I don 't think this fits into that category , but well see . I bought the fabric at Home Fabrics in Salt Lake , which in my opinion is the best place to get cheap but quality home decor weight fabric , they also have one in Las Vegas . I have to go every time I visit my family . The fabric was on clearance for only a $ 1 . 00 a yard and was wide enough to get 2 pillows out of so you can 't beat 50 cents ! Wow ! I am blown away by all your nice comments on my parent 's kitchen makeover . I 've received quite a few emails and questions about it so I thought I 'd putt all the answers all in one post for everyone to find in case other people had the same questions . I 'm warning you though , this is a loooong post . I have to tell you up front I , nor my parents are experts on doing this stuff so please before you try any of this do some research . This is just how SHE did it . Not necessarily the perfect way to do it ! ; 0 ) You can find a ton of information on both painting your cabinets and faux granite painting by googling , googling , and more googling ! I know there are also helpful youtube videos as well . Now let me tell you how she did her cabinets . The biggest pain of the whole process was waiting for the oil - based stain to dry but she 's glad she used oil - based because a lot of neighbors used a regular wall paint on theirs and they are chipping much easier and not holding up as well . Remember oil - based smells very strong . It 's nice to do it during the summer when windows can be opened and the sun can help things dry faster ! ! The first thing she did was remove all the doors and drawer faces and took off all the hardware . Next she washed all the cabinetry with a TSP ( Trisodium Phosphate ) solution . You can find it at Home Improvement stores . This removes all the grease which is really what you are trying to do . . . especially around the stove . Next she taped off all the cabinets with painters tape and filled in all the holes from the drawer pulls with a wood filler and allowed it to dry a little . Next she lightly sanded everything and used a liquid sander deglosser like this one . She applied it with a sponge . Than she washed and dried them off . By the time she got to the last few cabinets , she was very lazy with the glossing and the sanding and they probably didn 't get much if anything ! The beauty of gel stain is that it will stick to a shiny surface . She doesn 't know if the cabinets that got less attention will hold up as well but the stain seemed to apply the same way and they look the same and so far don 't seem any different from the ones she suffered more over with all the extra prepping . Next she rolled on a mixture of oil based gel stains like this one . She thinks it was Min - Wax brand she used and it was a mixture of the two darkest brown colors she could get , one had a red tint to it . She used an ice cream bucket with a lid to combine the two cans of gel stain in . She used the foam rollers you can find at the dollar store ( sometimes ) to roll on so that way she didn 't feel bad about tossing it . I know it 's not the " green " thing to do but have you had to clean up oil based paint ? It 's a pain ! The gel paint is a bit tricky to use . if you roll it too much , you pick up the coat of paint you already rolled on . She used a foam brush to dab on little spots that were bare . Even though it is a stain she didn 't wipe it off like you usually do with stains . She left it on exactly as it rolled on . She wanted to see some of the wood grain but not enough to look like she had used a stain . She wanted it somewhere in between the look of a stain versus the look of painted wood . Because she left it on thick it took 24 hours at least to dry . She applied an average of two coats just to get the color even . After everything was dry , she took a small can of ebony or black regular oil stain . She scooped out some of her mixture of gel stains into another small plastic throw - away container with a lid ( maybe a cup or two ? ? ? ) She added a little bit of black oil liquid stain at a time to darken it to almost black . With piece of A warning though , she has found little dings here and there on her cabinets but you can just do a little touch up . That 's why she keeps small containers of both the original gel mixture and the blackened mixture in a kitchen drawer . Every few weeks she does touch - ups here and there . She now has found an even easier way to do touch - ups . Because her cabinets are a mixture of colors including the black she can get away with using a black sharpie for touch ups ! Yes , that 's right , a sharpie ! She just dabs it on the nicked spot and then blends it with her finger . If it were a large area than she 'd use the original paint but usually it 's just tiny nicks . She probably doesn 't have as many dings as someone with small children who 'd be driving trucks and swinging toys into the cabinetry . The box store paint employees told my mom that faux painting counters could not be done , especially with acrylic craft paint and not to bother trying it . There are even some kits you can purchase with " special " paint but it 's really all the same technique . She decided it was risky to try , but if it didn 't work out she was willing to replace her counter tops and cabinet doors anyway so nothing would be lost but time and the cost of supplies if it didn 't work out . It 's been a few months now and so far no regrets at all ! ! ! See this post to get all the steps for painting faux granite . I would suggest practicing on something . My mom practiced everything on her laundry room cabinets and counter and that is how she discovered she didn 't like using the oil - based polyurethane because they went very yellow . If you don 't have a laundry room to practice in , maybe you have a small bathroom counter and cabinets . She used wipe on water - based polyacrylic and as I said before she did about 10 coats to protect it . It was a definite pain , trying to get the foam " brush " strokes out and she finally had to give up and live with it in a few areas . Another thing I forgot to mention is , don 't ever put anything hot directly on your counters . It will leave marks . She always makes sure to use a hot pad or trivet . She had to do that with the old counter to avoid marks so it 's nothing new . She did end up with one " ring " where someone put a hot pan directly onto the counter . She still hasn 't had any regrets and is enjoying a completely different look for not a lot of money . There . Did you make it ? I think I 've answered all the questions I received but if I missed any then you can leave them in the comments below and if you have any helpful links you can also share those as well . Hopefully this helps someone . Good luck ! Here is the BEFORE . . . and here is the AFTER . . . The power of paint amazes me every time ! I think it looks so much more modern . She painted the wall a rusty red with a satin finish and gave the hutch a makeover as well . She used tintable primer instead of paint like what she used on her counter tops . Then she used some brown antiquing gel over the whole thing ( It was Delta brand and it 's just the cheap stuff found at craft stores in the little bottles ) . To apply the antiquing gel she wiped some on with a sponge and then wiped it off until you have the coverage you want . She replaced the hardware with some of the same drawer pulls as her cabinets . Like before , they used to be brass . She spray painted them a flat black color and then added some of the same brown antiquing gel on top that she used for the hutch . This gave it the look of oil rubbed bronze . She decided to leave off one of the doors to give the hutch a different look and then she put in some wicker baskets that she found and spray painted brown . I don 't think I have ever have thought about spray painting baskets but why couldn 't you ? They look great ! I 'm finally showing you guys . . . Here is my mom 's $ 250 . 00 kitchen makeover ! It was actually more like $ 200 but I 'm sure there are some expenses in there we forgot so we 'll say $ 250 . Once again I couldn 't find a good before picture so you 'll just get to see my cute nephews again for the before shot . They are obviously dying Easter eggs in the picture . . . so forgive the mess and the semi crossed eyes . The before . Notice the yellow oak cabinets , brass drawer pulls and stark white counters . The after . . . Ta da ! Love it ! It was hard to get a good straight on picture at this time of the day with all of those windows . I can 't believe what a difference $ 250 and some elbow grease can make . Here 's a few more angles . . . And some more ( this picture was taken on a different day and won 't enlarge for some reason ) . . . and another . . . Nice huh ? Wanna know how she did it ? First up were the cabinets . She hated the yellow oak that she had and wanted something dark which her kitchen certainly can handle with how much natural light there is . All of the main living area is entirely surrounded by stacks of windows . I love it ! She used a blackish / redish / brown mixture of oil based , gel stain on the cabinets . Sorry , I don 't know what color specifically because she mixed them herself and doesn 't have the original containers but any oil based gel stain should do . I think she got it perfect . She didn 't want them to look painted she wanted to still be able to see the wood grain running through . Which she definitely achieved . Next she changed out all the hardware which that alone can cost more than $ 250 . 00 for a kitchen this size , but she hit the jack pot . The chunky drawer pulls were found at Lowe 's for 50 cents each . They were originally an ugly brass color and she just spray painted over them with a hammered nickel color by Rustoleum and the round knobs were found on KSL classifieds for cheap . Another good place to look for inexpensive drawer pulls is ebay . I 'm sure you figured out that the countertops are faux granite . I didn 't even know such a thing existed until my mom told me she was going to paint her countertops and I thought she was crazy ! They look really good and they are a whole lot cheaper than the real thing . She said she had nothing to lose by painting the counter tops because that 's how much she didn 't like them before . You would be shocked by how easy and quick they were to do . Here 's a before of the countertop . Just plain white . . . and the after . . . $ 20 . 00 Granite . . . . Faux Real people ( haha , I am so clever . . . just kidding ; 0 ) Lightly sand the counter top . Wash and dry . Tape off the countertop . Roll on your tintable primer . This is your base coat . Let it dry . Get your sea sponge wet and start dabbing into your first acrylic paint and start going at it . . . . There is no rhyme or reason . . . really . Just dab the sea sponge all over . I was nervous to mess up her counter and to prove that I couldn 't mess it up my mom continued to paint when the power went out ! Luckily , it was only out for a couple minutes . Every now and again she 'd grab the cheap paint brush ( the bristles were all bent and it was dry ) and she 'd dab some paint on with that , just to give it some straight edge looking blobs . She didn 't really let the paint dry much between coats . She would work from one end to the other and once she worked her way to one side , she would start on with another color immediately and repeated that with all the colors . After she did a layer of each color she would go back and add more of whatever color she wanted to emphasize . She then let it all dry and the last step was to apply lots and lots of Polyacrylic to protect it . You don 't want to use Polyurethane because it will turn yellow . I think she applied like 10 coats of polyacrylic . I know that sounds like it would take forever , but it goes on very fast and drys really fast I don 't think she spent more than a few hours combined on all the coutertops ( not including drying time of course ) . Those cabinets however are another story . I went to visit for the weekend so we could paint her cabinets and get it all done in a weekend . . . that was a joke ! Do you see how many cabinets there are ? That was definitely not a weekend project unless you have a small army to help you . You do need to let the paint cure . She didn 't use the counters for a while . It has now been about 2 months and they have held up perfect ! No chips or scratching . Not a bad transformation for the money ? Next up she wants to find a new chair for the desk to redo . She 's been on the hunt but hasn 't found the perfect one yet . She also found a nice huge faucet she still needs to install and eventually she 'd like a stainless steel fridge , anyone want to donate ? Just kidding . I 'll be linking to some of these places . Come back tomorrow and I 'll show you a hutch she transformed as well ! at Here are a few things I 've been making lately . . . when McKinley let 's me ; 0 ) ! I don 't know how so many bloggers out there both make something everyday and blog about it everyday , that certainly isn 't me ! I don 't think I 'd ever get to sleep if I did that . These aren 't anything new , just different fabric combinations . I hope you like them because I loooove them ! They are all available in my shop . And more headbands or they can be clips or whatever you want , in all sorts of colors . Ok , enough of that . I know those of you who are following my blog are most likely people like me who like to make stuff yourself instead of buying it , but I just thought I would share what I made because I love how they turned out ! Those pants with the pink cuffs are my favorite ! Oh and sorry about all the random " published for a second " posts yesterday that those of you following me may have seen . I didn 't mean to press publish , let alone press publish multiple times ! I will show you that kitchen makeover tomorrow or Tuesday , so as Jimmy Fallon says , " Come on back ! " at Before everyone breaks their New Year 's Resolution to eat healthier ( or have you already ? ) I thought I 'd supply you with a good and healthy recipe . Jason 's Chililicious by Cathy Zieskle should do the trick . I used to not like beans but now I do and they 're so good for you , so you better learn to like them too ! Just kidding . Get the recipe here . The only thing I do different is use more chicken broth and I haven 't tried adding the Coriander it calls for because when I went to the store to get some it was like $ 6 . 00 for a tiny , little bottle so I couldn 't bring myself to buying it ( yes , I 'm cheap in case you didn 't know ) and I still liked it , so I kind of forgot about it . Make sure you have some fresh limes to squeeze on top . That 's my favorite ! Here is yet another thing made by my crafty mother . She made it for my niece . She found this little cradle on KSL . Isn 't it cute ? She made the blanket inside . It is made from scraps from a quilt that my sister - in - law is making for her girls so the cradle will match their room . I 'll have to show that to you too . I love all the vibrant colors . My mom makes the quilt a " cheater " way so you don 't have to cut all those tiny squares . I 'll have to share with you how she does it sometime . One of these days you 'll see something made by me . I 've made some stuff but haven 't gotten around to taking pictures . Kinley has started only taking one nap a day and it 's a short one , so there isn 't as much time for crafting as I had before . Instead I 've been chasing a toddler around . She can get into trouble quick ! Last week I was drying my hair while she played and when I came out of the bathroom I found her with my makeup and she had put it all over her entire face ! She was very proud of herself . It was too cute ! If only I thought to take a picture ! My sister made this quilt for my brother and his family for Christm s . I love these quil s ! They 're made up of everybody 's old jeans and nice comfy flan l . Our family had one growing up that my Aunt had ma e . It was the most fought over quilt when we would go camping or sleep out on the trampoli e . They are nice and heavy and wa m . I love th m . My sister filled all the pockets with toys and surprises for their gir s . Another fun thing she did was give them the twelve days of Christmas boo s . The kids get to unwrap a new Christmas book each night to re d . In our family we rotate which sibling we get gifts for and next year my sister has my family so I 'm sending out a big fat hint to my sister right now and saying that I love that gi t ! Was that a big enough hi My parents gave this to McKinley for Christmas . I love it ! My mom got a plain wood rocking chair at Michael 's for 60 % off and painted it white to match the rest of her nursery and made that adorable flower petal cushion to go along with her garden room . I love it . McKinley also got this cute pillow made by my Grandma . . . It says , " Like star dust glistening on fairies wings little girls are made of magical things " . The back has this fun , shimmery fabric . The pillow fits perfectly on her chair . Another fun touch my mom added to the chair is one of those tiny musical button things ( I don 't know what they 're called ) , you know the kind that is put in stuffed animals . She glued it under the arm rest so Kin has herself a secret music button . She hasn 't quite figured it out yet because the button is so small and kind of hidden but whenever she hears the music she does a little dance too it . Here she is modeling the Christmas pajamas I made her while she reads some sort of fascinating story . I think she loves the new seat . I wish you all could hear her jabber like crazy while she 's " reading " . If only I knew what she was saying . I 'm back ! I love when blogs do a favorite 's post at the end of the year because I don 't see every post that everyone does and I get to find a lot of fun projects that I didn 't see before so I thought I 'd share some of my favorites . I love how McKinley 's nursery turned out , it was technically done in 2009 but oh well ! I 'm afraid I can 't claim most of the work . My little stinker , McKinley , was born super early so I didn 't have a chance to do much before she surprised us with her unexpected early appearance , luckily my mom and sister came to the rescue ( because you know I couldn 't possibly live without having a cute nursery ! ) ; 0 ) I loved this ruffly skirt made from an old t - shirt . . . too bad kids grow so fast , this has been too small for a long time ! These necklaces were quick , easy and cheap . Just my kind of crafting ! What little girl doesn 't love a doll to squeeze ? You can 't have too many accessories . . . right ? I love my dollar store painted frame holding a flower from my wedding bouquet . I loved learning how to shir on this little dress . It made me shirrr crazy ! Easy and cute hair accessory organizer . I had to throw in a recipe here . This is a good one . I don 't think I ever cared what my syrup tasted like until I had Buttermilk Syrup . . . yummy ! Believe me . You are going to be sorely disappointed with your bottled stuff from this point forward . Sweet little , I scream for Ice cream onesie and matching hair clips . This project was one of the most fun . I loved planning McKinley 's first birthday party . So fun ! Thank you to everyone who visits my crazy little blog ! My camera is fixed and I should be back in business again . I ran out of time and only got around to making one handmade gift this year and didn 't even get a picture of it since I didn 't have a camera . My family however , made some incredibly cute things that I 'll have to share with you tomorrow . I also have all the pictures I needed to show you of my mom 's kitchen redo so you should see that soon . I have a crafty to - do list a mile long and a garage full of junky furniture to redo so hopefully you 'll stick around for the ride and maybe I 'll actually get some stuff done ! Call my husband , Matt Bagley with the Naisbitt - Bagley Team at ERA Realty Center . Use the search bar below to view available homes in the area . Click HERE to check out their website . Hi ! I 'm Kelli and I 'm a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to a spunky girl named McKinley . I love to craft , sew , window shop , try new recipes , take pictures , attempt to bake ( attempt is the key word ) , turn ugly stuff into pretty stuff and anything else like it , during nap time of course ! Here is where I store the things I 've made and the things I want to make and all of my favorite recipes . I hope you enjoy your visit ! Need to contact me ? prettylilposies ( at ) gmail . com
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There is a popular misconception regarding the workings of the typical house thermostat . Suppose your house is currently at 65 degrees , and you 'd like to warm it to 75 . Which do you think will heat the house faster , setting the thermostat to 75 , or to 90 ? They will both take exactly the same amount of time . Many people think that if you 'd like to heat your house quickly , you should turn the thermostat all the way up for " maximum heating " . This thinking is based on an incorrect mental model of the thermostat . The thermostat does not control quantity of heat ; it is a simple on - off switch . It turns the heater on , at " full power " , whenever the room temperature falls below the target temperature . When the target is reached , it shuts the heater off . Along the same lines , then , my housemates ( thinking the house is too hot ) set the thermostat to its minimum ( 50F ) , presumably thinking that this will cool the house down faster than simply setting it to their real target . ( I assume they don 't actually want the house at 50 , but rather would prefer ( say ) 65 over the prevailing 75 . ) This is incorrect , for the reasons above . The house will only cool as fast as the insulation and weather will allow ; having the thermostat set below the actual desired target does nothing but waste heating oil ( and thus money ) when eventually the house must be brought back to a livable temperature . There 's not as much stuff to look forward to : Christmas , and I get to see Aaron this weekend for the first time in over a month . Somehow those two things seem to cancel out most of the things listed above . Of course I 'm still worried about my grandma . And I 'm not pleased about my grades , or my acceptance status for college . But I did get accepted to Ferris with a full ride , and to Michigan State with almost everything paid for . So at least I 've got that to fall back on . I need to get an oil change for my car , and I owe BMG some money . I have an anatomy test tomorrow , and I have to challenge my way up to first chair starting this week . My room needs to be cleaned , I 've gotta do community service , have to go to work and school and some extra classes on top of that . Need to keep up with homework , have to finish reading that French novel , have to work things out with Nick . Have to apologize to a few people , need to call Aaron . Have to convince Adam to stop smoking before my parents find out where he gets his cigarettes . Christmas shopping season . I think I 'm gaining weight . Maybe it 's just all the thoughts in my head . today there were trees . there are always trees but today they seemed helpless . i would have hugged them were it not for misplaced misused energy ( do i need sleep ? did you count the smiles . . i lost track . ) inserting a questioning glance after each and every idea that slipped from thought to words . . today i thought of you , and closeness , your breath or , mine escaping moist lips as they are wont to wander along a neck , an earlobe , yours , of course . i do not control the emotion that hides in my eyes and so , it is there for you . . always . tomorrow there will be sun , and the trees will breathe and live again , despite a loss of green . and still i miss you . always miss you . . I like it ! Slept through my first class , but woke up in time for my midterm . I therefore won half the battle against myself and my alarm clock . Went shopping to pick up items that I will need to celebrate Samhain . Couple wooden dishes and a wooden bowl . Candles , oils , parchment paper , ribbon , fabric , a new book since I think I should start writing things down ( my memory is starting to slip ) , and a calendar for the next year . Went to work . Pretty boring , but very busy . Something woke me up this morning , even though the house was empty . Odd . I get up , check the ole XP , make some breakfast and clean the pool . There is a tasty snake - egg in the hind skimmer , I toss it against the fence and look at the remains - pure liquid , nothing of substance is inside . When I return from working out , I see a gigantic ant - hill by the driveway . Often having ants in my car , I get out a can of raid and hose those suckers down , putting a gloomy end to their sandy empire . But then I can see them , individual ants struggling to climb up the fence but falling midway . A pool of dead ants has accumulated by the base of the fence . I feel like a murderer ; I try to justify it , to no avail . This is genocide . I think the managers are getting worried about us lowly engineers . The last 9 months has seen over a third of the department leave to higher paid and more interesting jobs . So far , the management have done really nothing to rectify this , apart from hiring some silly recruitment consultant - basically a girl who phones up employment agencies and arranges interviews . Even this concerted effort has failed to bring our headcount up to new year levels . But this steady loss of staff has changed the remaining engineers ' attitudes subtlely ; Everyone blames management for the lack of direction . So , everyone has simply started to ignore management . People are doing things the way they want to and when they get challenged over it , they simply shrug and say something like " Well , it will take more effort to put it to the way you want it , so let 's just move on " 3 days until . . . things happen or don 't . Sometimes I try to visualise my life as a landscape crossed by ley lines . Where I stand right now , there is a nexus , a crossroads where different strands of time and causality meet and then branch out again in radically different directions . ( or maybe I took too many aspirin this morning . . . : - P ) There are so many tiny things that I am doing now that are affecting the future in ways I can 't fathom . Saying things now can either make you happy , or make you resent me . Each ley line stretches ahead into the horizon , perspective warped to show me the other lines joining and parting from it . The one road I want to travel stretches away from this impending crossroads ; I want to stay on this road so much , I know that I can despite the many potholes and twists and turns it has . Hah , please stop annoying me guy has moved desks , and has handed in his resignation ! Whee ! No longer do I have to listen to off key singing ! On to better news , I can 't believe I 'm going to buy Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 on its release date . I haven 't been this giddy since standing in line for the debut of Batman and Robin ( " not just the worst movie ever . . . the worst thing ever " - - Mike Nelson ) . I 've been playing the THPS2 demo for about a month now . It 's even cut into my Diablo II time . That ought to be about a days worth . These 6 : 30 mornings really got me dragging . My little brother has got to get his work schedule better lined up with mine . Oh my head . . . For the novice geek ( oxymoron ? ) , setting up cgi scripts on WinNT servers is not pleasant , and at six dollars an hour is sure to violate some kind of workers ' rights . I often ask myself how I got here . Why do people think setting up an ordering form is so easy ? that its integrated into the capabilities of the windows hegemony ? Hell I don 't even know how to use Unix , and yet I wound up in a proverbial nine to five ( okay eight to four ) , setting up an Intranet Website . The words just aren 't enough . I try and I try but it just doesn 't cut it right now . They don 't quite reach , not quite . But I need someone or something right now or I think I might not be able to come up for air . It makes me so angry that I spend my life being dramatic and when it really does count I can 't find the words for it because they 're all used up on wasted nothings that mean nothing compared to this . I feel all my selves coming back , all the selves I locked deep inside and all the selves from long ago and all the selves I thought would never return . They 're back here and they 're filling me up so much that I can 't hardly bear it . This little spot in a daylog doesn 't even deserve to be filled with him . I wanted to speak his name today but I just can 't . Not here . Not where it will be mingled with so many other names that would make his fade almost out of existence . He needs to fade out but I 'm not ready to let go of him . Not yet . Not him . I won 't speak his name . But I 'll tell you why this hurts so bad . After a while we stopped saying it , but it was always there , an unspoken promise we both knew . We 'd end up together some day , sometime in the future that we 'd never give a date , but we knew we 'd always end up . We just knew it and it was okay to love other people and mix ourselves with other personalities , because eventually , it 'd just be him and I . Tonight he spoke it instead , and it was no longer left silent . He 's broken the promise . And now . . . now I have nothing . I never realized that he was always there , kind of holding me up and moving me forward . Always there in the back of my mind , sometimes there in front , his picture in my drawer so I could see him every time I needed a pen . Which is every hour . I knew we 'd end up together , I always knew this . But now I 'm wrong . She completes him . He couldn 't tell me for two and a half years , not about this girl who completes him , and I 'm only beginning to feel a little anger that he 's kept me believing in the unspoken promise this long . He 's not mine anymore . And he hasn 't been , and I 've always kind of felt something was amiss but it 's never been like this . It 's never been so raw and I feel like I 'm dying . I really feel like I 'm dying . I 've never felt like this . I have never felt this many emotions within me all at the same time and I haven 't been able to stop crying for the past 3 hours . I hate him and I love him . I hate to love him so much . I love to hate him so much . It 's tearing me up that I 'm feeling like this , after all this time of thinking I 'm wasted and old and I 've never even felt this . I try to tell myself I 'm so happy for him , because I should be glad he 's found someone . I 'm glad he 's happy because he deserves it so much . But my insides are torn out and I feel like they 're missing , I 'm totally empty and dead and nothing fits . I like it ! No matter what I know I must do today , I will no doubt remain awake until 2am . I have to be at work in 5 hours , and yet , I refuse to sleep . Oh , I 'm tired , I can assure you of that , but I would much rather sit here in front of my monitor and try to hammer out another node . Well , maybe I will sleep for a while . . . . < sleep > ZzzZZzzZZ < / sleep > Wow . Not much sleep , yet I feel refreshed . < work > wow < / work > I 'm not exactly looking forward to class today . Several quizzes to be taken never puts me in a good mood . Spending money is also a good mood killer , so therefore , it reasonably stands that since it 's not fun , I 'll wind up doing it today . It all started last week , when I had managaed to completely fill both of my hard drives . ( It really didn 't take that much - - between my two old hard drives , I only had about 1 . 2 gigs . Scary , hey ? ) Netscape began the annoying habit of copying over my preference files when I did anything . So , Friday night , I said FUCK IT . I finally broke down and put the money out for a brand spanking new , adequately sized , 20 gig hard drive . Which , I am proud to say , I installed myself , with only minimal help from my SO ( there was one screw I just couldn 't seem to get off ) . Then we decided that now that I had room , we should just get me the new version of Slackware and new Gnome stuff . I can actually put a spreadsheet program on my computer ! Finally ! And a graphing program ! Woohoo ! Going to a costume party this weekend with that girl I like . I hafta come up with a costume , which is the main reason I hate halloween . I 'm dark and I dress wierd all year round , so when halloween comes up , I find it silly to come up with a costume . I 'm thinking of going either as a raver or as Bug - Eyed Earl from Red Meat . I started today with a bang literally . The alarm clock somehow made me involuntarily slam my head into the ridiculous milk crate table contraption by the side of the bed . I decided to get up if only to spite this wannabe omen of ill tiding . The philosophy exam that had me sweating turned out to be so basic and superficial that I wonder why I even bothered to study . It 's one of those situations where you finish your exam in a matter of minutes and then just sit there with it completed . I didn 't want to the first to hand mine in . There is some bad voodoo involved in that like it curses you for being so arrogant . So , being the superstitious fool that I am , I waited for a few other people to do it first . Hokey fears aside , I still managed to escape my first class within the first fifteen minutes . This gives me an extra hour to seek out coffee and try to wake all the way up . I 've been having this horrible moments of clarity in the very early morning . I don 't mind being clear headed but the fact that I have eaten , boarded at least one bus , and interacted in some way with a person or two before I have these flashes of clarity scares me . A long time ago one of my roommates in Texas woke me up because she was late for work . I got up and drove her there in another roommate 's car . The really frightening part is that the only real memory that I have of that morning at all is having one of those intense moments of clarity while parking the car . I actually had to call my roommate at her work to ask her what actually happened . She laughed . Looks like my days of free DSL at home are over . My neighbors are leaving . I don 't think that I 've ever been so sad to see one of the adjacent apartments empty out . Argh . Back to noding at school , in a computer lab filled with people grunting over spreadsheets . Trying to think of something to do for Halloween and getting no answers . I should probably just let my girlfriend figure it out since I am a total clod when it comes to social events . Maybe I should just stay home and hand out cherry tomatoes like I did last year . Note to Self : Ignore the Troll . I didn 't go to school today . I had a stomach virus that cleared up around 2pm . I doubt I missed anything important at school . My only tough class is Latin . I have recently become really intrested perlmonks because I think it is a very intresting implementation of the everything engine . I am considering a retreat into perlmonks to learn perl and study their mysterious ways . The most intresting thing about perlmonks is the fact that it comes much closer to accomplishing it 's goal than e2 does . Part of this stems from the fact that perlmonks goal is simply to publish vast amounts of information about perl . Just perl . Where as everything2 ends up attempting to become an encyclopedia but fails , it seems that e2 may be catering to the lowest common demoniator and everyone else just sort of removes themselves from e2 over time . I mean look at the vast array of information we have amassed on pornography . Well , this is just a brief thought , I just don 't think e2 is moving in the right direction guys , surely we can be more than a collection of diaries , jokes , and erotica . Hrm , what 's new today ? Marple Newtown High School can be the pits sometime . Someone mentioned that your marriage should be the best day of your life , and I realized that with every day so monotonous , I couldn 't think of my life having a " best day " , that sucks . I 've realized that avoiding people who you 're uncomfortable around is stupid , why should I waste my time walking to avoid looking at them just because they have a problem with me , no more of that . So today I found a way of saving about 2 seconds of my precious life , and I have no clue what to do with them . My parents took the lock mechanism out of my door for no good reason . While my dad was working on that I had Meat Beat Manifesto 's Mars Needs Women playing , he was none too thrilled with the " take that mother fucker ! " voice sample , he called my mom in and they were sitting behind my chair , they wanted me to remove all my mp3s . Yeah , right . On June 19 I went to my first ever kung fu class . The next day my life was rudely interrupted and it 's taken a long time to get back on track , but today I went to my second ever kung fu class . I am unfit and starting this all probably fifteen or twenty years too late , so it was tough , but I made it and I will go again . Small victories . It 's never too late to have a happy childhood . Or , at least , something is . I don 't know why , but autumn is hitting me really hard this year . I don 't know if it 's SAD or just depression , but the thought of winter really scares me . I 'm going to be making an appointment to see my shrink again . I hope she can help . My course , Product Design Engineering is part of the Mechanical Engineering department at the University of Glasgow . Every first year student in the MechEng department gets to go on a teamwork course in somewhere in the North of Scotland . Except PDE students . But the lecturers have to cancel all their classes because not everyone will be able to be there . These " cohort days " start tomorrow . this morning 's lectures were a little dull , but for a change we didn 't have running from one end of the campus to the other - they changed our first lecture . However , the lecturer forgot , and turned up late . . In the afternoon , I bought a couple of heavy textbooks , and then went into town to see if I could find any others in Waterstone 's or Borders - but to no avail . Popped into the place I worked over the summer , and they say they 'll have some work for me over the next couple of days . Money is good * g * Oh , and I managed to bump into someone from my course while walking back to the subway . She waved , but I didn 't notice till I 'd passed her that it was me she was waving at . . Clever , that . . . . Logged on , grabbed e - mail , instant messages start . Exactly how am I supposed to fix a network problem when I am out of the country ? Especially as it 's a wiring problem ? I know I 'm good , but not that good . Start to read email , and lo , out of the blue is an email from New Riders asking if they could buy me lunch and talk about books . Woah ! I have no idea what to make of this at all . But , hey , it 's a free lunch . Email also contained one KAK . Worm infected email . Lovely . Phone goes after lunch , and it 's factgirl , so I have someone to visit tomorrow , instead of fliting in and out of the tutorial sessions . Factgirl junior spills Cherrios on floor . factgirl puts mommy voice on . Hehehe . * sigh * More nodes stolen from web sites getting cooled . Thats annoying . Not even a credit . I am systematically down voting each of these stolen nodes . I 've tried / msging the user to no avail . Today I awoke in a freezing room , to an alarm clock in the shape of a chicken , screaming , " Yeah ! Hey ! C ' mon baby wake up , and come and dance with me ! " over and over and over again . . . I then realized that I had 20 minutes in which to get up , get dressed , eat breakfest , get to school , and get to the practice football field for marching band practice . All throughout the day i lurched from class to class just waiting for the final period . Then , in 10th period my teacher informed the class that he had just recieved a protoype robotic lawnmower that would mow your lawn for you . I , of course asked to use the remote control and was soon piloting the " robomower " through the halls for the next 10 minutes . I promptly scurried to my bus after the final bell rang , and slept on the bus ride home . Upon returning home I went to sleep , and then woke up to check my email and check out http : / / joedean . com / abc . htm , which i will cheer you all up if you 're ever feeling low . I like it ! Today was an early morning . Tuesday is my chemistry lab and problem session . I always forget which it is , we have them on alternate weeks . The problem session starts at 8 : 30 and the lab at 8 : 00 , so inevitably I 'm either early for the problem session or late for the lab . Last week , I just plain slept through the lab completely . Woke up at 9 : 45 , looked at the clock , fuck , and went back to sleep . I try not to do that too often . I think maybe I should get a bed that is less comfortable . It seems my problem is not my alarm , but me . I wake up and realize how comfortable my bed is and then consequently roll over and go back to sleep , I have my own inertia of sorts . A kaniff at rest tends to remain at rest unless acted upon by another force . That force usually tends to be the " realization that it 's 9 and I 'm still in bed " smacking me upside the head . I hate the banking industry . Not for any particular reason . I 'm just a little frustrated with my bank this morning . I 've been trying to find a good plane fare to go to Ohio and visit my girlfriend . I finally find a excellent deal at US Air , roundtrip between Akron / Canton and Raleigh - Durham for $ 189 . Not bad . So I go to book it , and it won 't accept my blasted address . I 'm still in school , so my address is a dorm room . I 've manage to mangle it to the point that it 's not construed as a PO Box , since no one wants to take a PO Box . Instead of using the box number @ NCSU , like I am supposed to use . I use my room number and my hall name , which works well . So I enter in the address and the usair . com page refuses to make my reservation since the address doesn 't verify . So I call my bank to try and work something out with them and they tell me that not only does that address not verify , but it 's also returned an insufficient funds error . No . I have $ 218 . 03 in my checking account . Technically , I do . But , for some bizarre reason . . my available balance is only $ 163 and some cents . Why ? So the bank is going to tell me how to spend my money now ? I think not ! I have no balance minimum on my account and have always been able to spend any amount that 's listed as my current balance . Grrr . Nap time for yours truly ! Need to catch some Z 's before chemistry lecture , it always puts me to sleep . Tuesday is a bitch , I have chemistry problem session and then lecture . Enough chemistry to kill a guy . In other news , I decided to nix on the dining hall and hit Chik - Fil - A for lunch , we have one on campus . Seemed like a good idea at the time . Pickles on a chicken sandwich , what genius . I think someone should get a Nobel Prize for that . Well , that 's all my classes for the day . My PSY 200 teacher has an amazing talent , he can take an interesting subject like Psychology and make it boring enough to put you right to sleep . Don 't get me wrong , he 's a good teacher and I like the class . I just can not stay awake for the life of me . I really like the class , psychology is totally my bag , but it 's like a shiny swinging watch on a 20 foot high projector . Ahhh , Simpsons Halloween episodes . Toodles . it is the youngest 's 9th birthday . we 've never been close , considering i 'm over twice his age , and because of my teenage resentment of the attention he got from the parents during those years . he has down 's syndrome , which also makes things difficult . we have a hard time communicating , although we both are getting better at it . he can still consistently beat me at bushido blade , though . happy birthday , matt . you 're still my brother , and i still love you . i spoke to my dad today , and he told me that brian , my other brother ( aged 17 ) , is stressing out about college . he never was a very good student , and is getting discouraged by the rejection letters from the ' better ' universities . he is considering joining the military instead of going to school . i don 't think that he should ; if he wants to be in the military , there 's ROTC . however , i feel guilty , to an extent . i set a hard path to follow , always being the good student , going to the good school . he 's feeling like he needs to live up to me , and failing . i wish that i could do something to change that . Just got out of Economics . ( Well , technically I just got out of economics , just ate lunch , and just got done with a round of old - school Pac - Man ) It has taken Chemistry 's place as what I consider the most Godawfully boring class in existance . ( But at least I understand this ) But , no time to lament about it now , I 've gotta get home . Time to study for math modelling so I have a chance of passing . There go MY chances of studying . . . Just got the Legend of Zelda : Majora 's Mask . Time to see how cracked Nintendo 's development crew is THIS time around . . . QUOTE OF THE DAY ! " Pokemon is just another example of people blindly rushing out to buy things from Japan simply by virtue of the fact that it 's from Japan . Now , excuse me , I 've gotta run out and pick up Ocarina of Time . " - Captain Spam Just got out of Economics . Realized I spent the entire night playing Majora 's Mask . Today seems vaguely familiar to me , but I can 't seem to put my finger on it . I feel bad for not updating my daylog in a while . . . i 'm not too sure why . Anyhow , I just got back from my boyfriend 's house . . . we had lots of fun . ( Tons of making out . . . whee ! ) I 'm back working on my DVD ripping program . It 's coming along nicely . Oh ! I got a job offer today . . . so I 'll go to an interview Thursday . . . i 've got a therapy appointment tomorrow . . . * sigh * . . . so much to do . . .
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JacketFlap connects you to the work of more than 200 , 000 authors , illustrators , publishers and other creators of books for Children and Young Adults . The site is updated daily with information about every book , author , illustrator , and publisher in the children 's / young adult book industry . Members include published authors and illustrators , librarians , agents , editors , publicists , booksellers , publishers and fans . Join now ( it 's free ) . A high school librarian reviews books for Young Adults . The vast majority are books written specifically for YAs . The remainder are adult books appropriate for the high school crowd . Each review receives between one and five stars . Here 's a guide to deciphering my ratings : * * * * * Read it . Now . * * * * Highly recommended . * * * Good choice . * * Not so good unless this is your type of book . * A waste of perfectly good treesStatistics for TO READ OR NOT TO READNumber of Readers that added this blog to their MyJacketFlap : 7 JacketFlap tags : road trips , friendship , Add a tag Lockhart , E . , Sarah Mlynowski and Lauren Myracle . How to be Bad . 2008 . Three girls go on a road trip to see one of their boyfriends who has gone off to college . Jesse works at the Waffle House with the other two girls . Her mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer . She is a very strict Christian and judges others around her for their choices . Vicks ' boyfriend Brady just went off to college a few weeks earlier and the only time he has contacted her so far was with one text message in the middle of the night . Mel , a rich girl and hostess at the Waffle House , just moved to Florida from Canada and doesn 't have any friends . She gets invited on the road trip because she offers to pay for it . All three go for different reasons and by the end they learn about themselves and each other . Along they way they have some adventures and break a few laws . Recommended for fans of these three authors . The book is really about female friendship , so fans of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants should enjoy this one too . JacketFlap tags : drug abuse , drugs , historial fiction , art and artists , Add a tag Hearn , Julie . Ivy . 2008 . This story takes place in London in the early 1800s . Ivy 's family is poor and makes it 's living in dishonest ways . When she is little , she is taken away from her family by Carroty Kate , a woman who comes from a gang of criminals worse than her own family . They use her to help them rob people , particularly other children . When Kate dies , Ivy ends up back with her family again . Ivy ends up as an artists model for a rich artist but his mother hates her immediately and does everything she can to be rid if her . Ivy has a problem with laudanum , which is a liquid that was put into water and would put a person to sleep . It 's a drug that could easily kill a person if taken improperly . There were aspects of the story that didn 't make sense to me , which I won 't write about here because I don 't want to give away anything about the plot or characters . Certain things that were in the book didn 't add to the story at all and left me wondering why they were in there at all . This book won 't disappoint fans of historical fiction , but other readers might not find much to like about it . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Myers , Walter Dean . Sunrise Over Fallujah . 2008 . I had high hopes for this book , but it did fall a little short . It had been called the Fallen Angels for this generation , but Fallen Angels was far superior in my opinion . For anyone not aware , Fallen Angels was written by Myers a long time ago about the Vietnam War . This book is just like Fallen Angels but for some reason it just didn 't have the same feeling . The novel centers around Birdy ( his real name is Robin ) and his fellow members of the Civilian Affairs Unit . The aren 't infantry , their job is to try to be nice to the locals and help them out . Birdy is from Harlem and his family is really irritated with him for joining the Army after 9 / 11 . His father wanted him to go to college and be an accountant . Birdy seems to send a lot of letters to his Uncle Richie who had served in the Vietnam War . Birdy gets close to Jonesy and Marla , two people in his unit . There are other people , but he seems to not really talk to many of them or have any sort or relationship with them . It 's probably common sense that at least one person is going to die , and I won 't spoil that for you . I would recommend this book for anyone wondering what it is like to be over there fighting this war . It did have a lot of detail , some of it disturbing so anyone that reads it will learn a lot . It is worth reading for this reason alone since it is informative . JacketFlap tags : epistolary fiction , historical fiction , Add a tag Shaffer , Mary Ann and Annie Barrows . The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society . 2007 . This is an adult book appropriate for YAs . At that present time , this novel has been on the NYT Bestseller list for several weeks . This is one of the cutest books I have read in a great while . Juliet , an author is looking for the next thing to write about when she begins a correspondence with a Literary Society on the island of Guernsey , which is in the English Channel and had been occuppied by the Nazis during World War II . The novel , which takes place in the time just after the war , takes the form of letters to and from Juliet to her editor , her best friend , and to the members of this Literary Society . They write to her about how their Society was formed during the Nazi occupation and why . Eventually , Juliet decides to visit Guernsey and her pen pals . The book is somewhat predictable at least as far as how it is going to end , but that 's not really a problem . The real point of the book is to fun and entertaining , and it succeeds at that . JacketFlap tags : musicals , alcoholism , theatre , Add a tag Scott , Kieran . Geek Magnet : A Novel in Five Acts . 2007KJ is the stage manager of her school 's Spring Musical and she has one big problem - - she is a geek magnet . She doesn 't lack for male attention but she seems to get all the guys she DOESN ' T want , while the one guy she wants doesn 't seem to know she is alive . There is Fred , her neighbor who has been following her around for years . Then there is Andy , her Assistant Stage Manager . Then there is Glenn , the kid on the light crew who stares only at her boobs and touches her inappropriately . Tama , one of the popular girls who happens to have a lead in the play is friends with Cameron , the love of KJ 's life . Tama manages to get Cameron interested in KJ . She also offers to help KJ get rid of her guy problem by teaching her to be mean . She manages to get the geeks to back off , but she ends up hurting a lot of feelings along the way and also manages to alienate herself from her best friend and most of the cast in the process . Meanwhile , KJs father is an alcoholic . He drinks every day and is often mean . The entire family is on eggshells trying to keep him from flying off the handle . Her younger brother Chris is a mess all the time and her mother seems to be oblivious . The alcoholism seems to take a backseat to the whole drama of the musical and doesn 't get the treatment it might deserve . I guess the point of the novel was to be fun , so the focus was more on the musical drama and not on the social issues . It makes me wonder if it really needed to be in there to begin with , but that 's just a small criticism and it doesn 't take away from the novel at all . JacketFlap tags : bulimia , alcoholism , Add a tag Coburn , Jake . LoveSick . 2005 . I enjoyed the book , but the whole premise was so wacky that I had a hard time buying it . First of all , the author states that this is really a true story and that he had their permission to tell it . The story is rather implausible so I would have had issues with it anyway , but saying it is a true story made me even more annoyed because I really doubt this could have happened . Ted was on his way to a full ride scholarship at a great school . His only problem was his alcoholism , which lead him to crash his car into a tree , busting up his knee . He was ordered to AA and lost his scholarship too . Erica is a rich girl from NYC . She is a bulimic who is supposed to be in recovery but she keeps slipping . Her father and therapist don 't think she should go away to school because she isn 't totally recovered yet , but she insists she is going . Her father pays an associate of his , Michael , to find someone that needs money , and hire him or her to spy on Erica for them . The job pays full tuition for 4 years , and the only job is to live near her in the dorm and report her activities to Michael . Ted needed the money since he lost his scholarship . Predictably , he ends up falling in love with her and telling her that he was hired to spy on her . The book was fast paced and I am sure most teens will enjoy it . My only reservation with it , as I stated above , is that it seems totally unrealistic . But , many teens may not care , and just enjoy the story for what it is . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Pascal , Francine . Sweet Valley High # 1 : Double Love . 1983 / 2008They have decided to bring back Sweet Valley High , which is a series * I * loved when I was in middle and high school . They are basically re - packaging the series , bringing it up to date with cell phones , different cars , etc . , but the plot lines remain the same . I don 't know how many they plan to bring back - - they used to have a new book out every month . I find that SVH is basically a more wholesome version of Gossip Girl , so for schools that can 't have them due to content , this is a good alternative . Liz and Jessica are twins . Liz is the smart nice one , the one on the school newspaper . Jessica is the one that isn 't so nice , the cheerleader etc . She has no conscience whatsoever . This first book basically introduces everyone to the case of characters that we will deal with in the rest of the series , but also focuses on the girls wanting the same guy , Todd . Jessica knows Liz and Todd like each other but she stops at nothing to get him . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Osa , Nancy . Cuba 15 . 2005 . This book wasn 't bad , but it wasn 't great either . Violet is half - Cuban and half - Polish . Her family refuses to talk about Cuba . Violet 's Grandmother insists that she have a Quince , which is a traditional party in many Hispanic cultures , celebrating the 15th birthday , similar to a Sweet 16 . Violet isn 't really into it , but she agrees . There is a lot of tension in the house as the party is planned , particularly between Violet and her father , who doesn 't like Violet trying to learn about Cuba . Meanwhile , she is forced to join the school 's speech team and competes in the humorous story category , in which is acts out a story . She writes a story about her crazy family , and that is what she competes with all season . She isn 't very good at it . I would recommend this book to anyone Cuban or Hispanic , as they might be interested in reading about a Quince . Otherwise , I wouldn 't recommend it . There are a few things that don 't really make sense and certain things never come together . And , then there are aspects to the story that seemed unnecessary , as they don 't add to the story at all . The writing is also not very smooth , it feels awfully choppy a lot of the time . The problems in the book are enough to make a person not interested in the subject matter put it down and not pick it up again . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Baskin , Nora Raleigh . In the Company of Crazies . 2006Mia is in middle school and suddenly finds herself troubled . Her grades are slipping and she is shoplifting . Her parents send her away to a boarding school for troubled kids . The kids there , only about a dozen it seems , have various psychological diagnoses that make it hard for them to function in a regular school . They are there for a therapeutic environment . It seems unclear to me why Mia is there . While she has had some problems , it seems that the other kids have a lot more going on that Mia . It didn 't seem like Mia really needed to be pulled out of school and put in a residential facility . The other characters were a lot more interesting to me and kept me interested in reading the rest of the book , to see what they were like and what might happen to them as time went on . The ending also seemed a bit rushed to me . There didn 't seem to be any real resolution to her problems , but maybe that was because she didn 't really have any problems to begin with . Maybe her parents were the ones with the problem ! I would recommend this book for middle school students interested in reading about kids living in a special school . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Myers , Walter Dean . Game . 2008 . I generally enjoy everything Myers writes , and this is no exception . This novel follows a HS basketball team through one season , through the eyes of Drew , a senior on the team . The team has a great chance of making it to the playoffs , and Drew thinks he has a chance of getting recruited by some big name colleges to play ball . Suddenly , the coach adds two new white guys to the team and it shakes things up . The rules all change and it seems that the coaches are favoring the white guys , who they encouraged to move to Harlem so they could be on their team . Recommended for male readers . This is also a great book for reluctant readers who enjoy basketball or sports . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Staples , Suzanne Fisher . The House of Djinn . 2008 . This is a sequel to Shabanu and Haveli . It 's not necessary to read the previous novels to read this . It seems to stand all on its own . Mumtaz ( Muti ) , daughter of Shabanu , is living with her cousin Omar and his hateful wife Leyla . Leyla mistreats Muti and treats her like a servant . It is her desire to get rid of Muti as fast as she can , but as long as her Baba is alive , she is safe from Leyla . When Baba , the family patriarch , dies suddenly , Muti 's life becomes more unstable , particularly when she finds out she is to married to her cousin Jameel , who is to become the head of their tribe . Jameel , who has been living in the US , does not want to come back to live in Pakistan and he doesn 't want to marry Muti . Complicating matters is the fact that Muti has discovered her mother has been alive this whole time , living in secret with her Aunt , to stay safe from Uncle Nazir who would kill her if he knew she was still alive . This was a fantatic book and I highly recommend it for most readers . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Kaplow , Robert . Me and Orson Welles . 2005 . Why this book was recommended by School Library Journal is beyond me . I don 't imagine any teenager would be interested in reading this . In fact , I can 't imagine many people would be interested in reading it . The book follows a week in the life if Richard Samuels who lives in NJ . In an unlikely turn of events , he is cast as Lucius in an Orson Welles production of Julius Caesar . He has to skip school to get to the rehearsals and the performances . He falls in love with Sonja and gets involved in the drama that is the theatre . I am not sure if the goal of the book is to be coming of age story or a story that exemplifies how crazy Orson Welles was . Either way , it doesn 't matter because I don 't think either angle is working very well . I also find that most teens aren 't all that interested in historical fiction so I don 't think a 1930s NYC theatre novel would fly off the shelves of many libraries . I would skip this book unless you have some sort of fascination with Orson Welles . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Fredericks , Mariah . In the Cards : Fame . 2006 . I didn 't realize this was a part of series until I started reading it . The first book was In the Cards : Love . Unlike some other series , however , this book is fine all on it 's own ; the reader doesn 't have to have read the first book in the series to understand what is happening in this one . The school is abuzz when the music teacher , Mr . Courtney decides to put on the first musical the school has ever had . Eve , a total drama queen auditions for the show and does get in . Her friend Anna is the stage manager and their other friend Syd is also brought in to help out with playing the piano . The show is filled with drama right from the beginning with backstage fights , romance , and feuds . The star of the show has a famous father and starts to fall apart ; it 's not clear whether or not she will be able to perform at all . All the while , Eve keeps wondering what will happen because the tarot cards predicted something , but she 's not sure how it 's going to happen . I recommend this for middle school / early high school girls interested in the theatre or performing , or girls just interested in reading a story with a whole lot of drama and backstabbing . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Laser , Michael . Cheater . 2008 . Karl is really smart . So smart that a group of students ask him to join their cheating group . The kids all come from different groups in school and no one would ever suspect they are working together . They use high tech cheating methods , like using cell phones and electronic pencils that send radio waves . Karl knows it 's wrong and tries to get out , but he 's in too far at that point . The maniacal Vice Principal starts going after cheaters with a vengeance , vowing to expel everyone he catches cheating . This makes things even riskier , but Karl can 't seem to get out of it . The only aspect of the book I had a problem with was that it was unrealistic . I know kids cheat , and they do it a lot . However , I don 't think many are using methods like this . If they were smart enough to organize like this and get it to work , they probably don 't have to cheat in the first place . Furthermore , the VP expelling people for cheating was also a stretch . A policy like that would never fly . At the very least , the parents would need to get a lawyer and there would be an expulsion hearing , but that didn 't seem to happen here . These sorts of things made the book impossible to enjoy thoroughly . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Mourlevat , Jean - Claude . The Pull of the Ocean . Text copyright 1999 , Translation copyright 2006 . This book won the French Prix Sourcieres and won the American Library Association 's Batchelder Award . This was a great book but it is only appropriate for the middle grades , not high school . This novel is basically a re - telling of Tom Thumb in modern times . Tom Thumb is a midget / dwarf . He comes from a family of 7 children - - all of the sets of twins except from himself . His father is abusive and his mother is useless . Tom doesn 't speak so everyone thinks he is stupid . He is , however , the smartest one in the bunch and he talks with his eyes and body . One night Tom warns his brothers they are in dangers from their parents and they run away . The novel is written from multiple points of view , from the social worker that brings Tom home from school at the beginning of the story , people they encountered along the way , and all of the siblings themselves . This change in point of view makes the book interesting and keeps it flowing . It wouldn 't be nearly as interesting and compelling if it were told from only one character 's perspective . Highly recommended for middle school . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Mazer , Norma Fox . The Missing Girl . 2008 . This was a disturbing book . The chapters alternate between five sisters and a man who is obsessed with them . The sisters are having lots of problems at home - - their father is out of a job and the mother is making the only income . She is stressed out and they have no money . The family makes the decision to send one of the sisters to an Aunt so she can help out and take the burden off the family . Meanwhile , a pedophile is obsessed with the girls . He looks forward to seeing them every day . His only problem is choosing which of them he wants . They are all enticing to him in one way or another . The pedophilia angle can be disturbing to some readers so I would urge caution for readers that might be sensitive to this sort of thing . Otherwise , this was a great book and I had a hard time putting it down . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Budhos , Marina . Ask Me No Questions . 2006 . This book received a starred review in Booklist and has received favorable reviews just about everywhere else . Despite that , I found I had a hard time getting into this book . Nadira and her sister Aisha are illegal immigrants from Bangladesh . After 9 / 11 they got caught up in a situation where the government was trying to roung up alll potential enemies . They got caught as they tried to escape to Canada . Their father was thrown into prison and left there for questioning . Nadhira and her sister are left to try to help get their father out of prison and get permission to stay in the country despite their illegal status . I found the ended really implausable . I think if the ending was more realistic I would have enjoyed the book a lot better . I think teens may enjoy the book , particularly those that are interested in the issue of the Patriot Act or illegal immigration . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Jenkins , A . M . Repossessed . 2007 . This is a Printz Honor Book . What I love about Jenkins is how her books all seem to be so different from each other . It must keep things interesting for her as a writer . As the book begins , Shaun is about to walk in front of a truck and die . Kiriel , who comes from Hell , has been observing people for some time , and Shaun in particular . Sick of his job in Hell , he takes over Shaun 's body just before he is about to die . He is then himself , but in Shaun 's body . He takes over his life , but only better . He is actually nice to his annoying brother . He is nice to all of the kids at school . He dresses decently . He does his homework . His one goal now that he is a human it so have sex , specifically with Lane , who he finds beautiful but no one else does . This book was amusing . It 's funny to have a person take over the body of a teenager and to see what his reactions are to the whole thing . Highly recommended for any readers , but male readers in particular . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Satrapi , Marjane . Persepolis : The Story of a Childhood . 2003 . I 'm a little embarassed to admit it has taken me this long to read this fabulous graphic novel . I saw an advertisement for the new movie and it reminded me that I had been meaning to read it for years . This is an autobiographical work about Marjane 's childhood in Iran . It starts out with her going to school as a carefree girl , and then shows the changes that occurred in the country as it came under religious rule . All of the girls had to wear the chador and follow other Islamic rules . This was a hard time for Marjane 's family since they were a modern family and opposed the new regime . Then the war with Iraq occurred which made things even more unsafe for the citizens of Iran . I think even people that aren 't generally interested in graphic novels would enjoy this book . Not only is there now a movie version of this book but there is a sequel entitled Persepolis 2 . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Kantor , Melissa . If I Have a Wicked Stepmother , Where is my Prince ? 2005 . I could tell you what was going to happen in this book right from the beginning . This is stereotypical YA lit . In a nutshell : Girl 's mother dies . Girl 's father remarries a woman with two children . Father moves them across the country . Stepmother treats her unfairly . In the end , they come to an understanding and live happily ever after . And , on top of that , there is the " new girl " stereotype on top of it . She falls for the most popular guy in school , he falls for her and now she is instantly popular too , even though no one would talk to her just last week . There is nothing new here , but it 's still entertaining if if you are into this sort of thing and haven 't read it 20 times already . The good thing about this one is that Lucy is pretty cool and readers might enjoy her sarcastic wit . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Welsh , T . K The UnResolved . 2006 . I have to admit that I had never heard of the boat accident that is detailed in this book , despite the fact that it was apparently a huge disaster . The book in narrated by Mallory who is dead . She begins by telling us how she died - - her and her family were on a boat headed to Long Island for a church activity in 1904 . She meets Dustin in an empty room so they can kiss . While they are in the room , a group of boys catch them and a bit of a scuffle occurs . Shortly thereafter , the boat catches fire . Mallory dies in the blaze and then sticks around , visiting her family , Dustin , and those that are partially responsible for the wreck . There is plenty of blame to go around but no one seems to be able to figure out the truth . The grieving familes , thirsty for revenge , want revenge on Dustin , who they believe to be at fault . This was a great book . It 's another in a recent trend in YA lit in which a dead person narrates the story . This one was very well done and I recommend it for fans of historical fiction . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Yang , Gene Luen . American Born Chinese . 2006 . I am a little late to the party as far as this book is concerned . It won all sorts of awards and accolades and I am just now getting to it . In my defense , I am not really into graphic novels , so I put it off for that reason . Anyway , the book starts out with appears to be disconnected stories . Then , as the book comes to an end , the different story lines come togehter and it all makes sense . The story primarily revolves around Jin Wang , a new student in school . He was born in America , but is of Chinese decent . He eventually befriends a new Taiwanese kid who is , as he calls it , fresh off the boat . They stay friends all through school until there is a fight that splits them up . Meanwhile , we hear the story of the Monkey King . We also have a story line with a white boy that is followed around by his embarassing Chinese relative who is a total stereotype . It 's a little hard to explain the book , honestly . Fans of graphic novels would enjoy it . Anyone looking to read something different should check this one out . It 's definitely different and interesting . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Downham , Jenny . Before I Die . 2007 . I read this book because it 's on the ALA 's Best Books for YAs List . In fact , it 's in the Top 10 . After reading the book and finding it lacking , I looked at some reviews of it on Amazon . It seems that people either really love this book or , like me , don 't understand what all the hype is about . I wanted to give three stars , but given the fact that so many people loved it , I decided to bump it up an extra star . I figure dozens of other people have loved it , so I should take that into account . The main character , Tessa , is dying from Leukemia . She has a list of 10 things that she wants to accomplish before she dies . Some of these things include having sex , falling in love , getting her parents back together and breaking the law . She manages to fulfill all of the things on her list , or least tries . The book might be rather depressing to some , although I didn 't think so . I saw it as a positive story , at least insofar as Tessa was trying to make something positive out of the little time she had left . I think the problem I had with the book is the characters , Tessa in particular . They were unlikable . Tessa isn 't really likable at all . Her best friend Zoey seems like a bad influence . Her mother is a loser . Her father is a main character , but I didn 't get a sense of anything about him . I think , since Tessa is the narrator , that it 's all about her and she doesn 't bother with telling us much about him and his life . I don 't think she even bothers to know what her father 's life is like outside of taking care of her . I know she is dying but she seems awfully self - centered which makes her unlikable to me . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Woodson , Jacqueline . Feathers . 2007 . This is a Newbery Honor Book . This was a great book . I normally only read books aimed at HS students , but this book was a Newbery Honor book so I thought I would read it anyway . No high school student would be interested in this book at all , but younger readers would . Frannie is going through a lot . She lives on the side of town where all of the black people live . Her brother is deaf . Her mother has lost babies in the past and is pregnant again . A new white boy moves in and is the only white boy at their school . Because of his long hair , people start calling him Jesus Boy . Immediately , some of the school bullies start to give him a hard time . Frannie feels a connection to him but doesn 't want to get involved and become a target of the bullies herself . Frannie is an honest and flawed character . She is easy to like and her story should keep readers interested . JacketFlap tags : Add a tag Anderson , Laurie Halse . Catalyst . 2002 . This was a great book about a girl whose life seems to be falling apart . Kate lives with her brother Toby and her minister father . She seems to take on a lot of the responsibility around the house . Her father means well but seems to always be busy with things . She is really stressed out about college . She only applied to MIT and is eagerly awaiting their decision . Teri , an unpopular girl at school , steals Kate 's watch . Kate follows her home and discovers that Teri 's mom is unable to do much for herself and Teri is the one taking care of things at her house too . Then her house burns down . Her father lets Teri and her little brother move in which really gets Kate 's blood boiling . She has to give up her bed and can 't sleep for all the snoring . I won 't give anything more away about the plot . This was a great book about a high strung high school student , which is something many readers will relate to .
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I have Asperger 's syndrome , a form of autism . However , this isn 't an autism blog ; I 'm tired and bored with people who think they know more about developmental stuff than the guys who diagnosed me . No , it 's just a blog full of seemingly aimless and random musing and kvetching and with some luck , a window into the inner workings of an aspie woman 's mind . email Not going to stay up until midnight . . . but let me say now that I am ever so relieved that this year is over with and that I hope 2012 is less traumatic , more productive and . . . is it OK for me to say that I hope it passes more quickly than this one did ? Oh , wait . People are supposed to make New Years resolutions . How about : I resolve to try as hard as I can to get through this year in one piece and on a better standing than I am currently in . . . . and to pass that horrible math class so I can finish my Associates degree ! I don 't usually listen to country music . . . but there was a time when I did . I 've always loved this song ( even though it sounds a little outdated now ) . It still makes my eyes leak . . . . : - / I 'm sick and I feel depressed . And whiny . Therefore , my dear reader , I am going to resist the urge to write anything else at all at this time . : - P I picked up some dye today and some very cheap white wool roving to try my hand at dyeing it . I am trying to decide whether I should buy more roving to justify mixing up 2 - 3 colors of dye or buy one of those big bags of T shirts that they sell as rags at the thrift stores . I don 't know why they don 't sell them , but often the T shirts are perfectly good and usable as shirts . There are generally a lot of basic white T shirts , so I go through the bag , pull out the white shirts and the ones we can wear and use the remaining shirts as rags . Then we can tie dye the white T shirts . I have connected with a couple of other ladies who like handspinning and fiber arts . There are several groups for spinning / fiber arts in this area ! I am looking forward to going to the next meeting . : - ) And . . . . I 've been neglecting the clay , which is about as far away from wool as you can get . I do have a couple of ideas I 'd like to try out , and should check on my angler fish . . . it should be fired by now . And I haven 't painted for weeks . I don 't know why . I have not painted anything since starting work . I hate to sound this way , but it 's true : working surrounded by people sucks the creativity and energy right out of me . I love having a job but I hate feeling dulled . So . . . maybe I should be moving in a different direction than I was planning on . Sigh . I know what I want to do . I want to farm , not in the sense people think of , not raising corn or wheat or dairy products . . . . But having an organic apple orchard and raising sheep under the trees and angora goats somewhere FAR away from the trees and maybe a few select annual crops is still farming . I don 't know how much it costs to feed a sheep over the winter or for a year compared to a dairy goat , but dairy goats eat a lot of grain . Fiber animals do not need much grain and they can graze from spring through fall , unlike dairy goats who ideally should have alfalfa hay available to eat year round in addition to pasture and grain . I need to get a realistic idea of how much it will cost to keep a sheep for a year , how much the meat , pelt and wool from her lamb would bring in , and how much from her own wool . Free range lamb is even more expensive than the conventionally grown type . But . . . . I get no health insurance working for myself , farming , even if I could find land to lease . And health insurance is pretty important . : - / I 'm a little freaked out because my 16 yo son just tried to cut a large mole off of his forehead . I can understand not liking large , 3 - D moles . I had one on the back of my neck that was always getting irritated by necklaces and the necklines of my clothing . . . finally had a doctor remove it . But DIY surgery at home , by a kid , on himself ? ? ? NOT OK by me . I am not entirely unsympathetic to him . I used to really hate my numerous moles . My sister teased me about them and Dad would always say that they weren 't ugly , that they were beauty marks . And then she would laugh harder than ever . I 've never thought they were beautiful but have come to accept them as part of the package that 's me . But then I was thinking about moles tonight and your face flashed through my mind ever so briefly . And I saw . . . a mole . And realized : that it 's as much a part of your face to me as anything else , that I like it because it 's part of you , part of what sets your face apart from others . That I especially like and miss the various idiosyncrasies about you . How could anyone love an absolutely perfect face ? Or a perfect person ? That would be so dull . Speaking of Quaker practice . . . . part of it is simplicity , not owning things that you don 't need or use , not having things just for show , etc . And . . . I have way too much stuff . I found a book at the library . . . . Here is a review of it . If I used to enjoy some item and no longer do , it 's time to send it off to someone else who 'll appreciate it . I found a handspinner 's group that meets weekly , as opposed to the fiber arts guild , which meets only monthly . Maybe I 'll be able to make a few friends there . It was cancelled this week , but should be meeting next week , I hope . Also they have some kind of a big get together near here in February ( nice to have something to look forward to in that month ! ) where people sometimes have used spinning wheels for sale . And . . . . there is a Quaker silent retreat next month , which pretty much entails silence for a few days . Somehow this sounds very appealing and calming to me . I am seriously considering going but would need to work out transportation . I haven 't written much about my Quaker faith lately . To be perfectly frank , perhaps this is because I haven 't been practicing it as much as I 'd like to . I think that I have gone to my meeting a couple of times since the last Quarterly meeting and this grieves me . It is particularly difficult because if there was ever a time when I truly needed the companionship and comforting presence of other friends , if ever I needed to be held in the light , the past year has been that time . I am sad about this . But I love my Friends and our meeting and things are such that if I push the issue , I am afraid that the meeting would become polarized . I gave it my best shot at the Quarterly and I simply don 't know what else to do . I am weak and vulnerable right now and I cannot put myself in a position that holds potential for compromising myself further . Going to meeting is not supposed to be a traumatic , nerve wracking , stressful experience . I do not know what to do about this . I still consider myself a Friend , because being a Quaker is about more than simply going to meeting . Since we 're on this subject and people frequently confuse Quakers with Amish or Mennonites , it may be useful to see the Wikipedia entry ( the group , Liberal / " Hicksite " is the group I fall into - if I remembered how to write html to take you directly to that part of the page , I would . . . . but I don 't and am too lazy to look it up ) as well as the Faith and Practice for the North Pacific Yearly Meeting Quakers . Ugh , what an awkward way to phrase that ! The thing of it is that even within our yearly meeting ( all the Quakers of this persuasion in this part of the U . S . ) there is a lot of diversity in almost every possible direction one could go while still being a Quaker . Some of us believe in Christ , some believe in God in the usual sense , and some of us are agnostic , atheist , or non - theist . I consider myself a non - theist . An awful lot of people don 't comprehend how I could be a Quaker even before they find out that I don 't believe in god in any kind of a sense that wPosted by Friday ! ! ! Well , not really , but it 's my Friday and I 'm so happy to have it . And it 's about time for me to start reading the abnormal psych book and start making outlines and diagrams . And to catch up on stuff I should have done already , clean , and find the two remaining items that I lost somehow . I like scones but am trying to think of something different to make . It should not be sticky sweet and it should be something which is possible to make gluten free and ideally it should be something that will keep without refrigeration and which I can use high protein flours ( quinoa , amaranth , teff ) in . The scones have all that plus coconut flour , flaxseed meal and hemp seed protein powder . It sort of amazes that they taste reasonably good , considering those ingredients . I wonder if it is possible to make halvah at home . I 'm reading this book : Aspergirls right now . Well , only a few pages at a time actually , because it hurts to read it . The book is very supportive and as the subtitle says , intended to be empowering . But reading that other women with AS struggle with the same issues I do ( and worse in some areas ) kind of makes me feel that suckiness in life is inevitable for us . If we 're very lucky , we will have a job that suits our intelligence . If we 're extraordinarily lucky and manage to cram ourselves into the gender roles that society oppresses us with , then we may have a mate that we 're happy with . Most of us are not lucky at all . I 've been able to keep a job for up to three years . Some have only been able to manage four months . And while I realize that this should give me cause to hope , what I see is that I am quite possibly on the outer margin of what I am going to be able to do . . . . and I wanted more . I still want more . I am grateful for the job that I have , but do not want to spend my life in this position . The three days that I work leave me depleted , not very promising since we are talking about 5 hour shifts . : - / Don 't get me wrong , I wouldn 't take the cure even if one existed . I love who I am inside and normal people continue to seem quite bland and uninteresting , like unquestioning automatons for the most part . But when it comes to relating to the outside world , I feel defective . Perhaps there is some kind of depth to being normal that I cannot perceive ; it doesn 't look like much fun from the outside . And so when I hear people tell me that their child , grandchild , etc has been diagnosed with AS , I always tell them it isn 't the end of the world , that there are many very valuable things about being aspie , a lot of strengths , that their child should be loved and accepted for who they are . And I believe this . But I 'm so full of shit . Being aspie hurts . It hurts a lot . It means a lifetime of rejection , of social clumsiness , of offending people you never liked to begin with and hurting those that you love without ever meaning to and not knowing how to fix any of this . It means that people find you creepy and off - putting when the truth is that you 're not only harmless but terribly vulnerable . If you 're quiet they think you 're stupid ; if you open your mouth and talk a little bit , you come across as a show off without meaning to and additionally , they say that since you 're so smart , you aren 't doing enough whatever it is they think you should be doing , as if raw intelligence is all it takes to succeed in life . The sense of being alienated haunts us throughout life . It hurts . It really , really hurts . Sigh . . . . IPosted by I guess I can 't say it was a bad day at work , because it wasn 't . It was a fairly good day at work that got crapped on by one person . I cannot stand dealing with passive aggressive people . It is hard enough for me to read social cues as it is . Trying to sort out why that person is acting unrealistically happy / cheerful / nice and then says or does nasty things in very subtle ways is really frustrating . Also I hate getting angry , the rattled nerves , shaking , etc that comes along with getting as angry as she made me . Luckily , it wasn 't as angry as it 's possible for me to get , because then things would have gotten ugly and I 'd be out of a job . But it takes stuff like . . . . well , injustice for one , or seeing someone treat other people badly , etc . A person pretty much has to try to make me really lose it . But . I told myself that this is the sort of stuff I 've encountered before , I can deal with it , do not let her make me lose my job , it isn 't worth it , I have to have this job in order to get back on my feet , etc . All those things were true . And then , I wondered : do I really want to work in a field that is going to have a lot of women ? A people centered profession where people have to pretend to be nice all the time ? Um . Hmmmm . I am able to work well with other women , but they have to be the down to earth , forthright sorts who are willing to say whatever needs to be said . And certainly there are passive aggressive men too , but it seems that most people like this are women who have squelched their aggression so that this is how they express it . I know what I want : I want to do things with my hands , to work with earth and animals and colors and plants and quite possibly children . I don 't know how to make that happen , realistically . If we had a Camphill Village here , it would be different . But then I 'd have to listen to endless drivel about anthroposophy . I am so glad that my coworkers know so little about me . Decided that I am not delusional . Because when people are delusional they aren 't delusional about just one thing . No . My mom imagined she saw and heard a LOT of different things , not just in one area . So . . . . not delusional . ( yay ! ) And , I have been around enough piggy men to know what they 're like , and you aren 't . So that also is out . So that leaves what . . . changes in the landscape and inaccurate or faulty information . Either one seems fairly plausible . But , it doesn 't really matter . In any case I still feel the same . The weekend started out really poorly , but I 'm better now . . . I shouldn 't have taken anything Charlie said seriously to begin with . I mean the kid is six , for crying out loud . Just a month or two ago he was telling people that his dad and I were a couple but it was a secret . ( raised eyebrow ) I guess it was a secret from me as well ! ! ! Kids just come up with stuff . : - / It 's such a calming sound . When I hear you , things go quiet in me . The pain , the stress , the worrying , all of it . It 's like a spot of calm appearing in choppy water and rippling out from the center until it 's all peaceful . About wool : went through my closet briefly last night and realized that I have a lot of roving . . . . as well as three fleeces . I really don 't need to be buying any more roving unless it is to sample breeds or to play around with dying it . What I do need to start thinking about is the possibility of buying a spinning wheel so as to be able to spin faster and more efficiently . Also , I should start knitting again . I have most of the colors that I bought for the knitted hat in the Nordic pattern last winter / spring , already made into yarn . I think I am lacking the dark yarn and I have that as well , possibly even enough to make that hat . There 's not a lot of point in churning out yarn unless I am going to use it . : - P Bad dreams last night . There was a late to work dream . . . . I was HOURS late . . . and then another one . . . oh yeah . I had gotten a speeding ticket for going almost 35 mph in the 25 mile zone of town near Safeway because I hadn 't been paying attention to the speedometer when the speed limit dropped from 35 to 25 . I was all freaked out about my car insurance going up for two years , about getting the ticket , etc . Both dreams had to do with the consequences of being inattentive . : - / That may not be surprising since I lost my dog last night because I simply did not notice she was with me when I drove off . Hopefully she will turn up . There was just so much chaos and noise with all the kids . . . . . also I have lost several other things , totaling about $ 95 in value . Sigh . . . . . I have got to get more organized . Being a space cadet is very expensive in a lot of ways . Anyway , off to work . The kids had a great Xmas , but I am so glad it 's over . I 've been dreading Christmas for months . Now I have to try to get past February . Yes , the whole stinking month . The reason I renewed the gym membership was to get through the winter and Feb will be the worst . I haven 't talked much about the neuro - psych eval stuff that 's been going on and I 'm not going to here . That just seems unwise . However in relation to that , the person who is conducting this evaluation gave me a copy of this article to read . I found it interesting , of course . . . but more than that , frankly it hurts sometimes to read about how fucked up I am . And I know that 's the wrong way to be looking at it , but realistically , is there any way , particularly at this point in my life , that I can not look at it that way ? And , the article says that aspies have " fascinating but unfunny humor " . Ouch ! ! ! I thought that I had a dry sense of humor , or maybe a warped or weird sense of humor , but unfunny and fascinating in the same way that a defective lab rat is fascinating ? I 'm standing here wincing . Humor is such an important characteristic to me in other people . I don 't think it 's possible for me to be really attracted to a guy without finding him funny . . . . or a girl either . Not only funny , but it has to be the right sort of humor , the kind that makes me laugh every time I think of it again . : - ) Like you . lol . . . now I can 't follow through on whatever it was that had me depressed about that . Heh . A terribly inhumane practice called " mulesing " Do not look at that picture if bloody gory animal cruelty makes you feel physically ill . I have butchered , etc , thought I could handle it , so uncovered the pic . . . . OMG . That is just wrong in every sense of the word . Confinement farming of sheep The undyed wool roving sells for the same price as the beautifully dyed roving . This is nonsensical to me at first , but when you consider the degree of cleanliness and lack of staining that is necessary to offer naturally white wool ( people do not typically think about this unless they have had experience with raw wool straight from the sheep ) then it makes a bit more sense . There has got to be a wholesaler of off white or even stained white roving . Another very strange thing is that I can get alpaca fiber , either the standard or the Suri alpaca , for $ 2 an ounce , whereas nearly any wool is $ 3 an ounce and up . Alpacas are far less common than sheep and more of a specialty item , so this is odd . And the thing is , it 's wonderfully silky and soft ! It is very nice , much silkier than any wool I have ever worked with . I might be better off buying alpaca roving and dying that , oddly enough . And - - - > I got the Icelandic wool that I ordered from a seller on Etsy . It is soft and interesting and I simply cannot wait to spin it ! This made my day . I nearly got into a wreck at least twice today and the day just generally sucked . . . . and then I got this wool and the stress sort of fell away . . . . partially at least . I must have opened up the box to look at and feel the soft ball of roving and then closed it up again at least five times and every time is just as satisfying , lol . At $ 12 , it was a very affordable thrill . : - P You know what . . . . . I have friends who raise sheep , interesting sheep . One has several rare breeds and another has Icelandics . What am I doing ordering wool online ? I need to contact these people about procuring wool and make it clear that I am willing to pay for it , not asking for a free fleece . I would have to wash it and it would not be roving , but I have the hand cards . It does not have to be in the roving form for me to use it . No , that doesn 't make all given information true . What was I thinking ? ? The only solution that really does is that I am delusional and crazy like my mom . The things she thinks happen are real enough that she absolutely cannot tell them from reality , even if it 's an alien looking at her from a window and making her physically ill or Jesus telling her that she 's his bride and they 're going to have great sex when she gets to heaven . I guess that if I 'm delusional , I at least have the consolation of having fallen for someone who actually exists . This possibility scares the hell out of me . Um . . . not the best choice of words having just mentioned Jesus . . . . . OK , how about , this option frightens me to the point of having to work at breathing . She doesn 't know she is delusional and out of her flipping mind . I have to conclude that if I 'm delusional , I wouldn 't be able to sort out truth from fiction either . There have always been people who 've suggested that I was a bit unbalanced ( they always say it so nicely ) to think that you ever had even the slightest interest in me . That hurts and it 's somewhat insulting . . . . but on the other hand , it could still be entirely true . This idea really scares me . Maybe everyone else is right and I am fucking crazy . Or : the given information was contradictory , leading me to two three more options - - - > > Not all of the given information was true . Some of it did not sound true . However , since there is no guarantee that my perceptions accurately reflect reality ( see above ) . . . . Still . If a few chunks of the information were false , that would screw everything up . And make me think I 'm crazy . > You 're a pig like other men . But this falls apart right away , because piggy men don 't have that look in their eyes . Piggy men don 't have any pain about acting piggy . > The information given contradicts due to changes . i . e . , if you see someone jumping up and down and you take pictures of them , the photographs will show the person on the ground , in mid air and barely touching the ground . The photographs would look contradictory if you did not know that the person was jumping when they were taken . I think instead of buying dyed roving like I have been , I am going to see if I can get undyed wool roving and dye it myself . I cannot seem to find the color combinations that I like best . If I cannot find undyed roving , then certainly I can find plain white wool and dye it in the fleece . I found it . The solution which makes all ( I think ? ? ) given information true . Whether or not this is correct is something I guess I 'll just have to wait to find out . And since I am no longer in torment ( mostly self inflicted to be sure ) . . . . I guess I will be OK until I start rethinking this . : - P - - - > College classes . I need to find out if an interdisciplinary degree of psych / art would make it at all possible to work doing art therapy . And more immediately , how much competition there is for the para - pro jobs that occasionally come up . I would have to get CPR and first aid training , but I had to do that when I worked at SL Start and it was pretty straightforward . Not sure about cost . . . The upside of this is that unlike SL Start , I would be able to work with very limited numbers of kids , as opposed to a circus of surprises and people I hadn 't even met before and knew absolutely nothing about . It is impossible to build any kind of rapport that way . I do best in one on one interactions , and my impression is that this kind of work would allow for that . I still want to have animals , an orchard , etc . . . . . but realistically that is not going to happen unless i have a paying outside job with health insurance . I am trying hard to muster up some enthusiasm for the holiday season , and folks , it just isn 't there . If it weren 't for the kids I guess I 'd probably zone out or go do something totally unrelated and try to pretend it was just another ordinary day . But . It is a lot of fun to make the kids happy . They even get euphoric about brand - new underwear and socks ! Heh , I love my kids . Also ( a total tangent ) I want Swedish Finewool sheep , however they are not found in the US and are rare even in Sweden . I wonder if I can somehow procure a sample of the wool at least . Most of those Scandinavian short - tailed breeds have a double coated fleece ( long , coarse out layer of wook ( tog ) and a very fine , soft , shorter undercoat ( thel ) ) or they have a fleece that is altogether coarse and hairy . The Swedish Finewool has a short tail and presumably all the hardiness and intelligence found in the other members of its family group , but it also possesses a very fine , very soft , tightly crimped fleece . See more about this breed here . Purebred Gotlands don 't exist here either , but there are percentage Gotlands , which is to say that they are nearly all ( but not quite all ) Gotland . Gotland lamb is very soft . . . soft enough to wear next to the skin as an undergarment , but the adult fleece is not . Hmmmm . I want sheep that are hardy , reasonably intelligent , and which have a short tail because I do NOT want to cut tails off of lambs . I don 't care what the rationale for it is , I don 't want to do it , period . OK well , that was grueling . I haven 't had a panic / anxiety / whatever attack like that in months . It was almost physically painful . Ugh . And see , this is where I 'm my own worst enemy , because if I 'd had any common sense I would have seen what was pointed out to me so concisely by one very level headed and forthright person . I have to try to stop thinking with my fears / anxieties / negative opinions about myself / etc . . . . feeling that stuff is one thing , but using it to think with . . . not so effective . I have to stop letting this stuff get me down . I love you and there 's no point in feeling guilty or ashamed or humiliated about that . . . . . If I were able to feel differently I probably would have by now . Goodness knows this is the worst case I have ever had . : - / It just hurts so much sometimes . I thought that I 'd never be able to feel anything remotely like this for anyone again , thought it had died with him . But you . . . . I don 't even have words to express it . Being away from you is like trying to live without breathing . But as long as I can see that you 're alive , that you 're OK . . . . then I don 't panic and I know I 'm not crazy and somehow it doesn 't hurt half as much . So . . . I don 't know . For me to find what I thought would never be , and to find it brighter and deeper . . . . and for things to be like this . . . It 's just . . . life is so cruel . It isn 't really anyone 's fault , but life is cruel . I miss you so much and more than the pain , the shame and disgrace of this situation cripples at me , eats away at my self respect . . . but I have kids . And because I have kids , because I know exactly what it 's like not to have a mom . . . . . I have to try to find a way to live and function . Whatever . . . . I don 't know if it 's true or not and right now it 's not possible for me to know . What I do know is that my feelings for you have only deepened and aren 't going away anytime soon , if ever , so either way nothing is changing on this side . And in any case I still have to try to get back on my feet and get my act together here , have to come up with some sort of a plan for my life . There isn 't really any point in agonizing over the veracity of what a child says if it was something that would have been better . : - / I guess I wouldn 't be beating myself up half as much if it were true , but . . . . I 'm so tired of hurting and yet I 've grown used to it . It 's just the way things are . I talked to my manager at work and in all honesty , am not sure that was an intelligent thing to do . Will see i guess . Feeling so much better today . : - ) Made some wet - felted potholders by weaving wool roving into a square and then felting it down to size . They are not perfectly square , but given the nature of wet felting , that 'd be pretty hard to do anyway . And . . . grass fed bottom round was on sale , so I got some . . . . going to cube it up , marinate it , roast it with stuff like rutabagas , parsnips , maybe a few yukon gold potatoes , and whatever else is in there . I guess I could make a stew . . . but marinating with balsamic vinegar and rosemary , garlic , etc just sounds so much better to me right now . There are some brussels sprouts that would also be good roasted . And then tomorrow I can bake . I have this idea . . . . sometimes the stuff I think about making doesn 't come out the way I 'd planned , but it seems like this should work . I may be crazy , but I don 't ever want to forget you . Regardless of outcome , the people we love shape us , help us to discover aspects of ourselves that we hadn 't noticed before . And I cannot find it in me to regret the way that I feel about you . I had this dream a few mornings ago that I forgot all about you . Completely . I was with some faceless guy and he was nice , but I didn 't love him . I liked him and he was good to me , but I could feel that something was missing , that there was this huge hole . I had everything I needed , but I knew that someone used to be in this big empty spot and that that someone had been very important to me . And I couldn 't let it rest . So I looked around at my life and managed to deduce a few hints but still , the essence of you had completely evaporated and it felt so hollow . I knew that I had to figure out who you were . . . . but there was nothing . Only a space , a deep gap in my life where you 'd been . It was horrible . . . . . . shudder . I would take any amount of pain rather than that . Exhausted . Not physically . . . . I didn 't do much today other than clean and drive children around and try to find a new used pair of jeans that will fit ( more on that later ) . . . But while I am happy , very happy , to have my new job , and I honestly give it everything I have , there is something about spending 6 hours confined with other people in a small space that wears me out . The work itself is not that tiring . Dealing with the people and trying to appear normal under stress is . I am still fragile and they don 't know it and I am afraid for them to see it . People are no better , nay worse , than animals . . . . . and so I mimic my goats and conceal my injuries , knowing that weakness will only encourage aggression . But two of them . . . . . it 's like they sense it despite all my best efforts . One is about as passive aggressive as a person could be and the other is less so but seems to think it is her position to treat me like a ( well , I 'm not going to say that word ) and I don 't like that any more than black people do . She enjoys telling me to do dirty , degrading sorts of jobs and then watching me do them while she stands and chats with her coworkers . I don 't mind dirty work - I happily shovel manure , after all . But the ordering and standing watching me with satisfaction pisses me off , possibly because it is so much like my stepdad and especially because she is not a manager and has no real authority over me . It makes me want to cry with loneliness ( although I should have known that coworkers are not friends and cannot be treated as friends ) and I feel so weak inside . But . . . . damned if I 'll let them see it , and I have years of experience in dealing with passive aggressive people . Oh yes . So I said to myself : Jen , you have to grow your balls back . Even if you don 't feel butch anymore because your love for him has brought out the girl in you . . . . . you know how to put that on like a garment , how to step into it like driving a car . So I did . And it worked . But when I was away from them , when I went out to empty the garbage , I let the femininThere 's something else I was going to write about but I am exhausted and it can be ruminated on for another day or two . I hate it when people are mean and forceful towards really little kids ( like less than 2 years old ) . Where do people get these expectations for kids of this age ? I mean , they are just past being babies . A man who yells at a child that age should not have children . Ever . Again . And any woman who allows her man to bully an 18 month old child is a poor excuse of a mammal . Ugh , I hate people sometimes ! Sheep , Jen . Think about sheep . Teeswater sheep for example . Lincolns . Gotlands . I did find a place that will send me a sample of EACH fleece they have ( ! ! ! ) for $ 10 , delivered . Nope . If something sounds too good to be true , it probably is . Bait and switch , and those people are never going to get my business . Art . That 's another good thing to think about . Or hey , cleaning the house . There we go , something useful ! An interesting blog : the swedish knot Ok so . . . . apparently I got worked over again . You 'd think I would learn by now . . . . . . sigh . . . freak - out mode happens a little too easily these days . My friend says we go to different gyms , and that makes me feel better . : - / I got a lot done today . . . . ( used a list ! ) . . . except for the phone calls . Oh , how I dread making phone calls . And there are at least four of them . So , I guess that 's my task for tomorrow before I go to work . The Blue - Faced Leicester wool is spinning up really nicely . It 's soft with a very long staple . I found some Icelandic wool so that 'll be next . And I need to make another hat because my hair looks all puffy and inelegant . Why was I growing it out again ? ? ? I 'll give it a chance through the winter at least , I guess . . . . . I don 't know what to think about anything anymore . I 'm so scared . I wish that some incredibly wise person could come and help me make sense of things , to find peace and insight , to be able to forgive myself . I 'm so tired of being afraid , of feeling like I have a million hypersensitive hairs or antennae probing the air for any faint hint of a new onslaught of pain . I never wanted to cause so much trouble . I 'm so sorry . And if I knew the right thing to do right now , I 'd do it . . . . but . . . I don 't know . . . life is so confusing and last week hurt too much to endure more of that . I guess I 'll just keep trying to get back on track and to be as unobtrusive as I can be . Charlie had been bugging me pretty relentlessly to teach him how to spin wool using a drop spindle , so once I finished the batch of wool I was working on , I humored him . I think he was a little distracted by the spinning motion of the spindle ( that is the Turkish spindle I was talking about before by the way ) but overall he did far better than I had thought he would . Posted by Still thinking about sheep . Faroes sheep aren 't available in the U . S . . If I could learn how to do A . I . with sheep ( reportedly it 's harder to artificially inseminate sheep than goats , and goats are already fairly challenging ) then I could possibly import Faroe semen and use it on Gotland or Icelandic ewes and breed up until I had high percentage Faroes . See Faroes sheep here . However , I 've also been interested in Cotswolds for years . They have long , lustrous , crimpy wool and their meat is very mild flavored . The wool looks something like this and it sells for $ 15 per lb with weights or 7 - 9 lbs per sheep . . . . . so . . . about $ 120 in fleece per year , assuming they 're sheared only once a year . Apparently fleece weights can be up to 15 lbs . Cotswolds are a rare breed and they 're rumored to be gentle and friendly . . . . qualities which are paramount for me in any animal ( or person ) . The Leicesters are another very interesting breed . There are three breeds of Leicesters , the Blue Faced Leicester , the Border Leicester and the Leicester Longwool . I have no real experience with the wool of these breeds , let alone the finer distinctions between them , so when I found a braid of Blue Faced Leicester ( BFL for short ) at a local weaving shop , I bought it up in order to experience the qualities of the wool first hand . All of the longwool sheep ( including Cotswolds , Lincolns , etc ) tend to have very mild flavored meat on very large carcasses . If I can get a wool that has luster , good crimp and a good micron count on a sheep with a pleasant personality and with good meat qualities , the only remaining issue is that I don 't want to have to dock tails , and longwools tend to have normal ( i . e . long ) tails , unlike Finnish Landrace and the other short tailed Scandinavian breeds . The one thing I do know is that I don 't want to crossbreed whatever sheep I get . I 'd be willing to have more than one breed , but I want to preserve the breeds that I get , not crossbreed them into oblivion . Anyway . . . . . my task now is to try to secure samples of wool from these breeds and spin them up and compare them . I have such a hard time not doing that self - loathing thing . : - / I try to tell myself that we all do stupid things now and then , we all make little mistakes . Those people don 't replay their mistakes and idiotic deeds over and over and over again in detail , tormenting themselves with it . But I do , and why ? What good does it do me ? It only causes me pain and humiliation and low ( er ) self esteem . It causes me to get nervous and make more stupid mistakes and social gaffes , not fewer . Arghhh . . . . . This is so hard for me . I need to know that someday , this will make sense , that I 'll be able to understand it even if I 'm not entirely happy with whatever that understanding is . And I feel terrible for the amount of stress and everything that I 've caused . . . . and I can 't undo that . But . I am so happy that you 're in this world , however things are and wherever you are . : - ) I 'm so tired of thinking about this stuff . No matter how many ways I look at it , it doesn 't add up to make all given information true . The only answer I can ever come up with that 's consistent is that this fucking hurts and is going to keep hurting . I never stop missing you . I 'm such a fool . I don 't know what to say . I 'm trying as hard as I can not to whine here anymore . There 's no dignity in being publicly pathetic . The job is good . I like it . I don 't tell them about any of this . And I really hope to get some sleep tonight . And . . . . . I guess that 's all . It wasn 't the medication . Maybe it was PMS . : - P Or maybe I need to be taking better care of myself . And . . . about that change . I still haven 't settled on that yet . Trying an intermediate strategy to see if staying away from that site helps . I think I 'll always miss you . . . or for a long time anyway . . . . but that isn 't any reason to break myself in half beating my head against a wall . No . That 's just stupid and self destructive . Have the foundation work done for another fish . . . . hopefully a more successful one . I really need to buy a salmon with the head on ( or preferably , just the head ! ) and do sketches of the head from different angles . I don 't think it needs to be a kokanee . . . any salmon will do . I just need to get the basic head shape and perspective down . After a short break here I 'll probably go back and paint it . I usually wait until the next day , but I need more continuity between the pairs of fish , in feeling , form and the colors used . If I mix up two batches of color it 's hard to get them to match . It seems like there were more apples . . . . . I cannot remember them all . So I explain to my daughter that the exciting thing about planting apples seeds is that they don 't come true to seed - you never know what you 're going to get . You may get apples that are only good for animal feed , or you may get something edible or truly good . The one sure thing is that each apple seedling will be unique . She couldn 't understand why this was , why it would be different . She thought that new varieties came from two plants being planted close together . Now , my daughter is 13 , very intelligent , has talked about wanting to be some kind of scientist or possibly a lab tech when she grows up , gets an A in science on her report card , and lives on a farm where animal reproduction happens all the time . So I was shocked . I tried to explain it for a minute , got flustered , and then I asked , " don 't they teach you about plant reproduction in school ? " And she says that they don 't teach about any kind of reproduction , including that of plants . So I said , well , didn 't they teach you about mitosis and meiosis ? And she claims they have not . She says that the teachers at her school do not have to go to college , they just need to be able to read out of the book ! ! ! ! ! What . The . Fuck . Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain meiosis in 5 minutes or less with 4 other kids swarming about making noise ? I did not succeed . I hope that she has just forgotten that she was taught this stuff , but in case she hasn 't , I guess I need to go through my various science books and find a simple description of how genes combine . Right now I 'm just sort of blown away by this . . . . . . and hoping it 's some sort of misunderstanding or mistake . : - / Watercolor paint , one of the better brands - is 40 % off at Ben Franklin 's , so I was able to buy two tubes ( Burnt Sienna and Sap Green ) that I normally would not be able to afford . The cobalt blue , for example , is over $ 20 ! The paints I am currently using belonged to the late great grandmother of my oldest children , Virginia Leaf . She was an artist working under Walt Disney and apparently she worked on three of the Seven Dwarves in Snow White . When she passed away , a set of her watercolors somehow made its way to me . They were ancient when I got them , half dried up with most of the caps fused on , but I was still enthralled with the difference between tube watercolors and the cheap dry cakes in a plastic case that were all I 've ever used prior to that . I 'm still using her watercolors eighteen years later , and while I am still honored to have them . . . . they 're even drier and in worse shape than they were 2 decades ago . The quinacridone colors weren 't available back then , so I did buy 3 tubes of fuchsia / purple colors because I just was not able to get that color with what I had no matter how hard I tried . Other than that . . . . they 're all still the old set . There was only one green : Pthalo Green , which has an obnoxiously bluish note if you are looking for a quieter green . . . . and while you can mix up your own greens from blue + yellow , it 's hard to make them consistent that way from one painting to another . Yellow Ochre was the only thing close to brown , and again , I could have mixed my own . . . . but Burnt Sienna is a standard , necessary color . So what I am going to do is this : for every sale of work that I make , I 'll buy a tube or two of watercolor paints until I have the necessary colors , starting with the ones I 'm short on . I can 't wait to try these two out ! : - ) Started painting the one I did the resist on yesterday . There are some problems with it . . . . not sure if this is going to be another tosser or not . The rocks and water are lovely . The fish is missing something . . . it has no soul . It was actually a really productive day . Nothing bad happened and a number of good things did happen . I need to start exercising regularly . The bicycle need toe clips . . . I bought some but either the pedals or the clips need to have holes drilled into them in order to install them . I could hike . Once I find boots that will fit both me and the bindings on the skis , I can ski , probably right near here , too . I could go split and stack wood . The trails are going to be snowed over soon though , so if I want a non - icy time of it , this would be a good time to hike . The kids and dogs would like that . . . . hmmm . Have the foundation ( resist ) laid down for another kokanee painting , ready to paint as soon as that dries ( probably dry already but I 'll paint it tomorrow anyway ) . It turns out that I 'd been leaving a small pair of fins off my others . . . . how very embarrassing . . . . just looked it up . . . pelvic fins . . . . sigh . And they are on my tattoo , as they should be , so I have no idea how I could have been doing this . Things that keep me alive : > My children . > The echo of my telling you that you didn 't have to worry about that , I 'd be OK . I had no fucking idea exactly how bad things were about to get . . . but I gave you my word whether it matters now or not . > The echo of you telling me to take care of myself , although the cynical pessimist in me says that this was simply a polite thing to say at the time , not anything really meant . > The earth , because I love it so much . > Certain people , without whom I would have been utterly lost countless times . > The dread of screwing up and landing back in that horrible place again with the godawful food that they serve ! ! ! > Art , not because I think what I make is so fantastic that it 's a reason to keep making it . . . . but because making it is therapeutic . Speaking of which . . . . . . once I am finally over this mess , I probably won 't be making half as much stuff as I do now . All the pain , all of the feeling ugly , all the intensity , everything . . . . . it all fuels the work . And while I love working with clay , drawing , painting , making stuff , during ordinary times , it isn 't something that I typically find the time or energy to do . Right now I do it because I have to in order to stay sane . I don 't have a choice about waiting until there 's time - if I don 't do it , I live in torment until I do . The kokanee salmon pair of watercolors are now matted , framed , and handed over to be hung at Kokanee Coffee . They just opened and so business is still pretty slow , but it should pick up . So that 's good . And I finally managed to find 2 pairs of cross country skis so that Nate and I can go skiing . Now I have to find boots to match , poles and get a map of public lands where it 's ok to ski . Not sure if there are public trails here like there were in Newport . So that 's also good . And as for the rest of it . . . . . I don 't know . Maybe the medication intensifies the pain or something . It sure as hell isn 't helping , so fuck it . I read this article and while I am skeptical , I wonder how many people would still feel the need for meds if they followed the advice given first ? I 'm going to be totally honest here and admit that if I did all those things I would probably feel a lot better . Also , why , when I ask these doctors for help with paying attention , do they always give me an antidepressant that " may help " with my attention span ? Has it ever occurred to them that maybe if I wasn 't so freaking disorganized , maybe if I could remember stuff and get my act together and start making some real progress , I might not be so depressed ? ! Because while there are things depressing me , the deal is that I don 't really have any part of my life that is working well enough for me to be able to turn to it as affirmation that I am not a total failure as a human being . There hasn 't been anything that I could turn to and work on and experience success as some kind of consolation . I guess there is the art , but it isn 't really selling that well . I think that if I could get the rest of my act together , get back on my feet , get a place of my own , etc . . . . then this wound would heal faster and hurt less . : - / There aren 't words for how I feel right now . I guess if I painted a picture of it , there would be an awful lot of black . It 's bottomless and the sides are so slippery that I can 't get out . There are nameless horrors in the darkness . And the worst thing is , other people don 't see the blackness and they don 't want to hear about it either , except for the helpful few who tell me that I have got to keep trying to climb out . It 's all around me , they don 't see it , and I have got to pretend that all is well with green pastures and sunshine , which is the reality they talk about . And I 'm so scared and I feel so dirty with all this slimy black stuff on me . . . . they don 't see it , but you do and it 's nasty horrible disgusting awful untouchable unlookable so you turn away . Kokanee coffee finally opened and I managed to work up the nerve to mention art . . . and they love my fish paintings ! They want me to mat / frame it and bring it in right away . Also they want to see the pottery fish . . .
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The family and I took a mini vaca from home this past weekend ( not many photos to show for it . . . sorry . . . . ) . We left Thursday afternoon to spend some time at Sam 's Godmother 's place 4 1 / 2 hours away ( we do this every 3 - 6 months ) and got back yesterday evening . During our visit we were able to go shopping for Timothy at Babies R Us . I 'm SO GLAD ! ! We managed to get most of the stuff we have been needing , leaving only a handful of items as well as diapers and wipes ( if you 're interested in checking out my registry and helping this ' ol Mama out , please click HERE ) . Hooray ! I also got 3 cute maternity shirts on Sale at Target . No more crying in my closet when it 's time to get dressed ! ; ) I 've spent most of the day today going through all my new baby loot and organizing it all . FUN ! Saturday we left Sam 's Godmother 's for a few hours and headed to Everett to go to my cousin and his wife 's baby shower . They are due a month before us and are also having a baby boy . I gave them a pack of pacifiers and 3 of my handmade burp cloths . All my family on my mother 's side was there . We hadn 't seen anyone in over a year , so it was really nice to be able to trek out that way and show off my own baby belly . The kids had a good time running around and eating cake while Sam and I played catch up with everyone . Overall we had a great trip . . . . except both kids are sick . : ( It 's been a week long thing too and I am exhausted . Sick kiddos makes for a tired Mama . Anthony had a stomach bug and fever last Monday thru Wednesday evening . Thursday he developed the beginnings of a head cold , but we weren 't about to cancel our plans . By Friday both he and Molly were in the throws of a head cold complete with snot , cough , bad attitudes , and refusal to sleep through the night . I thought about skipping the baby shower Saturday , but felt I 'd get more flak from not going than bringing two kids with cold medicine coursing through their bodies . They did good while there anyway . The colds are still here and it makes me sad . : ( Anthony has now missed a whole I 'm 28 weeks and that means THIRD TRIMESTER ! ! ; ) I 'm working on a special post for ya 'll with permission from a friend . Guaranteed to give you goosebumps and make you think . Hopefully I can get that out this week , so stay tuned . Also , if you are the praying type , please say a prayer for " Gram . " My childhood best friend 's grandmother has been in the hospital since Saturday and is not doing well . At last update a few hours ago she had suffered a stroke while in hospital and was unconscious . It breaks my heart to know such a sweet woman who loves my own children dearly is suffering . . . . as well as my friend and all her family having to stand by and watch it all unfold . Also , please say a prayer for my friend 's safe and swift journey from PA to her grandmother 's hospital bedside in NY . With love , Mama Hauck Sorry it 's sideways . Don 't know how to fix that ! But it 's sweet regardless . I especially love her rabbit hop across the piano , lol ! With love , Mama Hauck We 've been in the market for a new vehicle for awhile . We have a 2006 focus and an old suburban . The focus wont hold three car seats / boosters in the back and the suburban was only driven on special trips where we needed tons of room and definitely not practical for everyday driving . So what the heck were we to do with Baby # 3 coming ? We decided we would trade in the suburban and get something smaller than it , yet bigger than the focus . After months and months of research and working hard to pay off other bills and such , Sam and I decided on the the car we wanted . Last Wednesday Sam showed up at home way early and told me he was going on an overnight trip to the Seattle area because he found the car online we had been wanting and we had to scoop it up before someone else did . It was being offered at $ 7 , 000 off retail price since it was the dealership owner 's wife 's car and they just wanted it out . We were also going to get $ 1 , 500 trade in for the suburban . So he and Anthony made the trip to get the car and got back home Thursday evening . Mols and I stayed home . It 's a 2008 Ford Taurus X Limited AWD with outstanding safety ratings and it 's fantastic ! Definitely a fancy shamncy car in my book . It 's got butt warmers in the front and two middle seats , a sun roof , it can remember and save two different seat and mirror positions , all four back seats can be folded down to give you any configuration of storage wanted , a dvd player in the back with headphones for the kids , built in navigation ( hooray ! ! ! ) , a CD player that can hold 6 discs at a time , and you can hook your phone up to it and tell the system to send out a text message or to call someone and it 'll do it for you . Told you it was fancy ! It makes me wonder what the " norm " is for 2012 models if a 2008 is so high tech . It 's the nicest car we 've ever had . The best part is that it will hold all the kids ! lol These are the photos of our car off the dealership website . Exterior InteriorFront Middle seatingBack seatingAnd these are just ones I found so you could see the dvd player and how the seats fold down . We feel very fortunate to have found such a great vehicle and been able to get it before Timothy gets here . It 's definitely a weight off our shoulders ! With love , Mama Hauck Last Sunday we spent a fair amount of time outside . Papa and the kids always manage to get out the door before I can , giving them time to be mischievous and get into trouble before I get there . What do they do when I 'm not around ? This is what I saw when I walked into the shop where Sam and the kids were at : Molly hanging out on the bike like some regular ' ol biker chic with a bad attitude ( she was checking herself out in the mirror , haha , but stopped when she saw I was going to take a photo ) and Anthony using a hammer and saw ! ? Sometimes I think it 's a good thing I 'm not there to witness what they do when hanging out with Papa ! Thankfully Anthony practices great safety when using such non kid - friendly tools . Papa on the other hand . . . . he 's the one who cut himself while doing some woodworking , LOL ! Better take notes from Anthony , Papa . But poor Anth , after 5 minutes of me freaking out and telling him to be careful each time he picked up the saw to work on his " airplane , " he gave up and just put a nail through it and left . Guess I 'm a fun killer , lol . With love , Mama Hauck Your baby 's eyes - which have been closed for the past few months ( so that the retina , the part of the eye that allows images to come into focus , could develop ) - are beginning to open . What this means is that your baby is able to see what 's going on now . Unfortunately the view in your uterus isn 't all that exciting ! But do try this at home for kicks : Shine a flashlight at your stomach . Your baby might kick in response . . . . as in : " Get that light out of my eyes ! " The iris , the colored part of the eye , still doesn 't have much pigmentation ( that 'll fill in over the next month or two ) , so it 's too early to start guessing your baby 's eye color . Even the color your baby will be born with might not be the permanent shade ; so you may be kept guessing until your baby is close to six months old . Look what else is going on this week : Your baby 's brain - wave activity is kicking in at this stage in fetal development , which means your little one can not only hear noises but can now also respond to them . Not in so many words , of course , but with an increase in pulse rate or activity . And talking about activity , at your baby 's current height and weight of about nine inches tall and two pounds , and at the rate he or she is growing , your baby will soon be feeling a little cramped in your uterus . Not to worry , there 's still plenty of room for your baby to grow . My baby belly info : Fundal height ( measurement , in centimeters , of uterus . . . . . usually round abouts equivalent to your gestational week ) : I 'm guessing 25 - 26 . I was suppose to have my midwife appointment yesterday , but had to cancel because come 4 o clock I wasn 't feeling that great and wound up going to bed at like 7 : 30 after a bath and some Tums . Poop ! So hopefully appointment later today or tomorrow ! Things of note : I swear I will be giving birth to Chuck Norris or the Karate Kid ! Timothy kicks and punches and squirms and flips ALL THE TIME . Seriously . He makes it hard to fall asleep at bed time and even wakes me up in the middle of the night ! But that 's definitely not a complaint ! I love feeling him move , even if it is getting painful at times . When I notice a knee or an elbow bulge ( or maybe it 's stretched out feet ! ) I poke him and he retreats and then pokes back . Haha ! It 's great to be able to play and get a response from him before he 's born ! He 's a fan of the shower . When I step into the water and have the shower stream hitting my belly he is quite . The second I step away so the water isn 't hitting my belly he gives a few kicks , maybe telling me to move back in the stream because he likes the rhythmic sound ? It 's fun . : ) When Anthony and Molly were babies , I would bring them in the bathroom with me in their bouncy chair when I took a shower because they would fall asleep to the sound of the water . And when they were crying and I ran out of soothing options , I 'd put them in the bathroom in their bouncy chair and turn on the hair dryer because the sound of the dryer calmed them and they 'd wind up falling asleep . Isn 't that funny ? I 've no doubt Timothy will be the same . I 've read a few articles that have said babies grow accustomed to certain sounds they hear regularly while in the womb and some of those sounds become soothing to them . Those same sounds may continue to be soothing to them once born . This is why a baby will recognize and be soothed by his Mama 's ( and possibly Papa 's ) voice from the second he 's born . How amazing is that ? I 'm pretty much gaining a pound a week . Yikes ! I hope that trend doesn 't continue for much longer , I still have 14 or so more weeks to go ! LOL ! But you know , childbirth is the fastest way to loose at least 10 pounds in a matter of seconds . ; ) And then , if you 're me , you sweat another 10 pounds in water weight out within the first 1 - 2 weeks after birth . Besides , I know a lot of women who gain far more than a pound a week throughout their whole pregnancy . So I 'll just quietly sit here with my rice crispy treats , munching away , thankful my body isn 't that mean to me . Anthony came home with a lot of loot from his Valentines Day party yesterday . He said he had a great time and even bragged a little bit about having TWO cupcakes . Lucky ! After Papa got home yesterday and we ate dinner , we made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and red sprinkles for all the guys at his work as a special treat . Of course I couldn 't bare to send them ALL to work . . . . so the kids and I each had one . And oooohhh man were they delicious ! Hopefully everyone at works likes them as much as we did . Here 's the card the kids and I made for Papa . I got the idea off of Pinterest ( yay ! ) . We also picked him up a 20 flavor jelly belly sample box and a bag of Valentine colored M & M 's . I took an old drink bottle and ripped off the label . Then I made a " Happy Valentine 's Day " tag and fastened it to the bottle with some twine . Just like with the card , I traced and cut out the kiddo 's hand prints then glued them to the bottle and filled it on up with the M & Ms ! Today we went and visited him at work for lunch ! I made us all turkey sandwiches . The kids were sooooo excited to go ! When we got there we surprised him with his gifts and then when the kids were still eating , I snuck into Sam 's office to set up the kiddo 's Valentine baskets . I had picked up a few baskets and little chocolate boxes at the store last week , then with the help of Valentines boxes from the Grandparents , I filled up the baskets with tons of other goodies too ! I didn 't want to give them their baskets in the morning because Sam wouldn 't be home . And then I didn 't want to wait until the end of the day either cause that 's no fun ! So it seemed like a grand idea to give them their treats while making our special visit at Papa 's work . Even Baby Timothy got a card . : ) Sammy and the kids got me a few cards that I opened up this morning , they were sweet . Please excuse the grump face on Anthony in this last photo ! LOL ! He was mad because we were heading home and he wanted to stay with Papa . I don 't think we have much plans for tonight . Dinner and hanging out . But that 's just fine with me , I 'm exhausted . My midwife should be showing up any time now for my monthly appointment . Those are always fun , though it means I have no time for a nap ! Hope everyone is enjoying their day ! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ! With love , Mama Hauck You know how when you were a kid you looked forward to all the holidays ? It didn 't matter which one , you loved them all . . . . Christmas , Valentine 's Day , Easter , Halloween , etc . But then when you 're older and out of the house , the holidays kinda loose their luster . They 're still nice and swell and all , but definitely not as fun as when you were a kid . And then BAM ! ! One day you wake up and you have sweet little kiddos tugging at your shirt and getting all excited about Easter eggs and letters from Santa and all of a sudden the holidays are SO MUCH FUN again ! You know that look of excitement on their faces ? It 's the same excited look you had on your face when you were a kid . . . . and the same look you have on your face all over again now . This is the first year in a long , long time I have gone to the store and gotten Valentines . Except now it 's not me picking them out , it 's Anthony . And it took him all of 2 seconds to do so , lol , Kung Fu Panda for the win ! : ) These are the little things that make being a Mama one of the best things in the world . I thought it would be fun to make little chex mix / trail mix goody bags for his classmates . Anthony didn 't disagree with me , so I took that as my cue to gather the rest of the stuff needed to make said goody bags while at the grocery store last Tuesday . Last Wednesday after Anthony was done with school , he and I sat down and got to work ! We also ( Molly included ) worked on a few projects for Papa for Valentine 's Day , but I 'll share that later . The ingredients / goods : Rice chex cereal Cheddar tiny twist pretzelsHoney Wheat rod pretzels RaisinsValentine colored M & M ' sBite size chocolate covered cookiesAnthony 's choice of ValentinesSandwich bags Stapler Love and patience How to : Because I wanted each kiddo to have equal amounts of the " fun stuff , " I portioned out the two types of pretzels , M & M 's , and chocolate cookie bites into 21 ( for 21 kids ! ) equal piles on the table then let Anthony put each pile in a sandwich bag . For the chex cereal and the raisins , we wound up just scooping a handful into each bag . I rustled up each bag , sealed it shut , then stapled a Valentine on each one after helping Anthony write his name on the back of each card . Voila ! ! Easy peasy . Anthony had a good time making his Valentines , I had a good time watching him have fun , we both ( and Molly whenever she came over to investigate ) filled our bellies along the way , and the dogs got the scraps that fell onto the floor making clean up a breeze . Here they are ! And remember those sugar body scrubs we made a bit ago for Anthony 's teachers ? They are now packaged up in cute little Valentine bags ready to make them smile and love Anthony even more ( if that 's even possible ! ! ) . Anthony had a whole lot to bring to preschool with him this morning ! I hope all the kiddos like his special Valentine treat and doubly hope they have a fantastic Valentine party ! When I dropped him off a bit ago the whole classroom was abuzz with excitement and all the kids were running around sneaking peeks at each others Valentines waiting in their cubbies to be handed out . Hehehe I can 't wait to go pick him up and see all his Valentine loot and have him tell me all about his day ! ! ; ) With love , Mama Hauck Anthony has Godparents , Timothy already has a Godfather ( and he 's not even here yet ! ) , but Molly . . . . cute little Molly had neither a Godmother nor Godfather . She did once , way back when she was first born , but it didn 't work out and that 's a long story that I 'm not going to get into . Now , after much thought , I came to my decision and hoped who I had chosen would say yes . Who would not want to be Molly 's Godmother ? She 's so dang sweet . : ) Molly and I got to work creating a special gift and sent it on its merry way to my childhood friend in NY , Jill . I received the phone call from Jill yesterday saying yes ! This definition of Godparent was taken from Wikipedia : " Traditionally , godparents were informally responsible for ensuring the child 's religious education was carried out , and for caring for the child should he / she be orphaned . Today , the word godparent might not have explicitly religious overtones . The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child 's upbringing and personal development " I lean more towards the more modern definition . In my mind , a Godparent is someone who has close ties to the family and loves the child very much . They will be there to love , encourage , mentor , listen and be another strong shoulder for the child to lean on as they grow up . They don 't necessarily have to be close in proximity physically , as long as they are never far away mentally and emotionally when needed . It gives the child a person to turn to ( other than their parents , grandparents and other family members ) when they need advice or someone to talk to . . . . . someone they can count on and trust . That 's what a Godparent means to me and that 's what I keep in mind when I choose one for each of my kiddos . Molly now has a Godmother and that makes me extremely happy ! Especially with it being Jill . < 3 I whipped out my paints and the kiddo 's painting smocks / tanks last week so we could have some painting fun ! The kids each did a painting to hang on our fridge and then each of the Grandparents got their hand prints in paint for Valentines Day . Molly thought it was hilarious that I was painting her hand , lol . Who doesn 't like to get a little paint on them ? Anthony did a fantastic job painting . It 's always a wonder to see just how much being in preschool has allowed him to blossom . Anthony got this wooden block castle set from his aunt and uncle for Christmas . I love watching him play it because he is so meticulous ! I 've never seen a 4 1 / 2 year old actually look at the diagram and directions ! LOL He 's such a little smarty pants and I 'm always impressed with his patience and concentration when building with his blocks . : ) Sweet little Mols was looking soooo cute and soooo excited ( so excited in fact , she was jumping around ! ) to go outside the other day , I had to snap a few photos of her before I put her coat on . She 's incredibly adorable with her hat on with those little pom poms at the end . Anthony is Line Leader and " Snack Boy " at school today . This means we had to go to the store and figure out a good snack and drink for 21 hungry school kids . Last time he was it , I made individual sugar free jello cups with a gummy worm on top ( in the spirit of Halloween ! ) . . . . . check them out HERE . This time I was going to do some sort of Valentine chex / trail mix , but decided I 'm going to save that for his special Valentines to hand out next Monday at their Valentine party . So instead I did individual baby carrot and ranch dip cups . Anthony wasn 't too happy about that . He made sure to tell me ( multiple times ) that he " doesn 't like carrots " and he 's " going to tell his teacher that he didn 't want carrots for a snack . " HAHA Poor boy , I thought it was a nice idea . Everyone else brings some sort of crackers , so I try to mix it up a bit when it 's our turn to provide the snack ! Friday evening we headed over to my gal pal Molly 's house fThe week ahead is a long one for the kids and I . I 'm already tired and it 's only Monday morning ! Hello , my name is Mama and I live a glorious life ! 30 years old , married for 11 . Mama to three little blessings . I 'm a taxi driver , maid , and cook . . . . among many other things . I change dirty diapers and feed hungry mouths . My ears never tire of hearing little giggles . I 've been pooped and peed on . I wipe away snot and clean up puke on a daily basis . At any given time I probably smell like puke too . I 'm a horrible singer , but my babies don 't seem to mind . I 'm a pro at multitasking . I make the best PB & J 's . Some days I stay in my pajamas . . . other days I don 't shower at all . I have an endless chore list that seems to be on repeat . Cars , legos , tea parties , and baby dolls fill my day . I sprinkle hugs and kisses on my babies like confetti . People ask me if I enjoy being a SAHM . . . . . it 's definitely not easy , nor is it glamorous , but I just smile and hope that my smiles says it all . Anthony Carl , 10 It 's all over Pinterest , I know . Everyone 's doing it , I know . I 'm usually not one to jump on the bandwagon . . . . . but I really , rea . . .
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The family and I took a mini vaca from home this past weekend ( not many photos to show for it . . . sorry . . . . ) . We left Thursday afternoon to spend some time at Sam 's Godmother 's place 4 1 / 2 hours away ( we do this every 3 - 6 months ) and got back yesterday evening . During our visit we were able to go shopping for Timothy at Babies R Us . I 'm SO GLAD ! ! We managed to get most of the stuff we have been needing , leaving only a handful of items as well as diapers and wipes ( if you 're interested in checking out my registry and helping this ' ol Mama out , please click HERE ) . Hooray ! I also got 3 cute maternity shirts on Sale at Target . No more crying in my closet when it 's time to get dressed ! ; ) I 've spent most of the day today going through all my new baby loot and organizing it all . FUN ! Saturday we left Sam 's Godmother 's for a few hours and headed to Everett to go to my cousin and his wife 's baby shower . They are due a month before us and are also having a baby boy . I gave them a pack of pacifiers and 3 of my handmade burp cloths . All my family on my mother 's side was there . We hadn 't seen anyone in over a year , so it was really nice to be able to trek out that way and show off my own baby belly . The kids had a good time running around and eating cake while Sam and I played catch up with everyone . Overall we had a great trip . . . . except both kids are sick . : ( It 's been a week long thing too and I am exhausted . Sick kiddos makes for a tired Mama . Anthony had a stomach bug and fever last Monday thru Wednesday evening . Thursday he developed the beginnings of a head cold , but we weren 't about to cancel our plans . By Friday both he and Molly were in the throws of a head cold complete with snot , cough , bad attitudes , and refusal to sleep through the night . I thought about skipping the baby shower Saturday , but felt I 'd get more flak from not going than bringing two kids with cold medicine coursing through their bodies . They did good while there anyway . The colds are still here and it makes me sad . : ( Anthony has now missed a whole I 'm 28 weeks and that means THIRD TRIMESTER ! ! ; ) I 'm working on a special post for ya 'll with permission from a friend . Guaranteed to give you goosebumps and make you think . Hopefully I can get that out this week , so stay tuned . Also , if you are the praying type , please say a prayer for " Gram . " My childhood best friend 's grandmother has been in the hospital since Saturday and is not doing well . At last update a few hours ago she had suffered a stroke while in hospital and was unconscious . It breaks my heart to know such a sweet woman who loves my own children dearly is suffering . . . . as well as my friend and all her family having to stand by and watch it all unfold . Also , please say a prayer for my friend 's safe and swift journey from PA to her grandmother 's hospital bedside in NY . With love , Mama Hauck Sorry it 's sideways . Don 't know how to fix that ! But it 's sweet regardless . I especially love her rabbit hop across the piano , lol ! With love , Mama Hauck We 've been in the market for a new vehicle for awhile . We have a 2006 focus and an old suburban . The focus wont hold three car seats / boosters in the back and the suburban was only driven on special trips where we needed tons of room and definitely not practical for everyday driving . So what the heck were we to do with Baby # 3 coming ? We decided we would trade in the suburban and get something smaller than it , yet bigger than the focus . After months and months of research and working hard to pay off other bills and such , Sam and I decided on the the car we wanted . Last Wednesday Sam showed up at home way early and told me he was going on an overnight trip to the Seattle area because he found the car online we had been wanting and we had to scoop it up before someone else did . It was being offered at $ 7 , 000 off retail price since it was the dealership owner 's wife 's car and they just wanted it out . We were also going to get $ 1 , 500 trade in for the suburban . So he and Anthony made the trip to get the car and got back home Thursday evening . Mols and I stayed home . It 's a 2008 Ford Taurus X Limited AWD with outstanding safety ratings and it 's fantastic ! Definitely a fancy shamncy car in my book . It 's got butt warmers in the front and two middle seats , a sun roof , it can remember and save two different seat and mirror positions , all four back seats can be folded down to give you any configuration of storage wanted , a dvd player in the back with headphones for the kids , built in navigation ( hooray ! ! ! ) , a CD player that can hold 6 discs at a time , and you can hook your phone up to it and tell the system to send out a text message or to call someone and it 'll do it for you . Told you it was fancy ! It makes me wonder what the " norm " is for 2012 models if a 2008 is so high tech . It 's the nicest car we 've ever had . The best part is that it will hold all the kids ! lol These are the photos of our car off the dealership website . Exterior InteriorFront Middle seatingBack seatingAnd these are just ones I found so you could see the dvd player and how the seats fold down . We feel very fortunate to have found such a great vehicle and been able to get it before Timothy gets here . It 's definitely a weight off our shoulders ! With love , Mama Hauck Last Sunday we spent a fair amount of time outside . Papa and the kids always manage to get out the door before I can , giving them time to be mischievous and get into trouble before I get there . What do they do when I 'm not around ? This is what I saw when I walked into the shop where Sam and the kids were at : Molly hanging out on the bike like some regular ' ol biker chic with a bad attitude ( she was checking herself out in the mirror , haha , but stopped when she saw I was going to take a photo ) and Anthony using a hammer and saw ! ? Sometimes I think it 's a good thing I 'm not there to witness what they do when hanging out with Papa ! Thankfully Anthony practices great safety when using such non kid - friendly tools . Papa on the other hand . . . . he 's the one who cut himself while doing some woodworking , LOL ! Better take notes from Anthony , Papa . But poor Anth , after 5 minutes of me freaking out and telling him to be careful each time he picked up the saw to work on his " airplane , " he gave up and just put a nail through it and left . Guess I 'm a fun killer , lol . With love , Mama Hauck Your baby 's eyes - which have been closed for the past few months ( so that the retina , the part of the eye that allows images to come into focus , could develop ) - are beginning to open . What this means is that your baby is able to see what 's going on now . Unfortunately the view in your uterus isn 't all that exciting ! But do try this at home for kicks : Shine a flashlight at your stomach . Your baby might kick in response . . . . as in : " Get that light out of my eyes ! " The iris , the colored part of the eye , still doesn 't have much pigmentation ( that 'll fill in over the next month or two ) , so it 's too early to start guessing your baby 's eye color . Even the color your baby will be born with might not be the permanent shade ; so you may be kept guessing until your baby is close to six months old . Look what else is going on this week : Your baby 's brain - wave activity is kicking in at this stage in fetal development , which means your little one can not only hear noises but can now also respond to them . Not in so many words , of course , but with an increase in pulse rate or activity . And talking about activity , at your baby 's current height and weight of about nine inches tall and two pounds , and at the rate he or she is growing , your baby will soon be feeling a little cramped in your uterus . Not to worry , there 's still plenty of room for your baby to grow . My baby belly info : Fundal height ( measurement , in centimeters , of uterus . . . . . usually round abouts equivalent to your gestational week ) : I 'm guessing 25 - 26 . I was suppose to have my midwife appointment yesterday , but had to cancel because come 4 o clock I wasn 't feeling that great and wound up going to bed at like 7 : 30 after a bath and some Tums . Poop ! So hopefully appointment later today or tomorrow ! Things of note : I swear I will be giving birth to Chuck Norris or the Karate Kid ! Timothy kicks and punches and squirms and flips ALL THE TIME . Seriously . He makes it hard to fall asleep at bed time and even wakes me up in the middle of the night ! But that 's definitely not a complaint ! I love feeling him move , even if it is getting painful at times . When I notice a knee or an elbow bulge ( or maybe it 's stretched out feet ! ) I poke him and he retreats and then pokes back . Haha ! It 's great to be able to play and get a response from him before he 's born ! He 's a fan of the shower . When I step into the water and have the shower stream hitting my belly he is quite . The second I step away so the water isn 't hitting my belly he gives a few kicks , maybe telling me to move back in the stream because he likes the rhythmic sound ? It 's fun . : ) When Anthony and Molly were babies , I would bring them in the bathroom with me in their bouncy chair when I took a shower because they would fall asleep to the sound of the water . And when they were crying and I ran out of soothing options , I 'd put them in the bathroom in their bouncy chair and turn on the hair dryer because the sound of the dryer calmed them and they 'd wind up falling asleep . Isn 't that funny ? I 've no doubt Timothy will be the same . I 've read a few articles that have said babies grow accustomed to certain sounds they hear regularly while in the womb and some of those sounds become soothing to them . Those same sounds may continue to be soothing to them once born . This is why a baby will recognize and be soothed by his Mama 's ( and possibly Papa 's ) voice from the second he 's born . How amazing is that ? I 'm pretty much gaining a pound a week . Yikes ! I hope that trend doesn 't continue for much longer , I still have 14 or so more weeks to go ! LOL ! But you know , childbirth is the fastest way to loose at least 10 pounds in a matter of seconds . ; ) And then , if you 're me , you sweat another 10 pounds in water weight out within the first 1 - 2 weeks after birth . Besides , I know a lot of women who gain far more than a pound a week throughout their whole pregnancy . So I 'll just quietly sit here with my rice crispy treats , munching away , thankful my body isn 't that mean to me . Anthony came home with a lot of loot from his Valentines Day party yesterday . He said he had a great time and even bragged a little bit about having TWO cupcakes . Lucky ! After Papa got home yesterday and we ate dinner , we made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and red sprinkles for all the guys at his work as a special treat . Of course I couldn 't bare to send them ALL to work . . . . so the kids and I each had one . And oooohhh man were they delicious ! Hopefully everyone at works likes them as much as we did . Here 's the card the kids and I made for Papa . I got the idea off of Pinterest ( yay ! ) . We also picked him up a 20 flavor jelly belly sample box and a bag of Valentine colored M & M 's . I took an old drink bottle and ripped off the label . Then I made a " Happy Valentine 's Day " tag and fastened it to the bottle with some twine . Just like with the card , I traced and cut out the kiddo 's hand prints then glued them to the bottle and filled it on up with the M & Ms ! Today we went and visited him at work for lunch ! I made us all turkey sandwiches . The kids were sooooo excited to go ! When we got there we surprised him with his gifts and then when the kids were still eating , I snuck into Sam 's office to set up the kiddo 's Valentine baskets . I had picked up a few baskets and little chocolate boxes at the store last week , then with the help of Valentines boxes from the Grandparents , I filled up the baskets with tons of other goodies too ! I didn 't want to give them their baskets in the morning because Sam wouldn 't be home . And then I didn 't want to wait until the end of the day either cause that 's no fun ! So it seemed like a grand idea to give them their treats while making our special visit at Papa 's work . Even Baby Timothy got a card . : ) Sammy and the kids got me a few cards that I opened up this morning , they were sweet . Please excuse the grump face on Anthony in this last photo ! LOL ! He was mad because we were heading home and he wanted to stay with Papa . I don 't think we have much plans for tonight . Dinner and hanging out . But that 's just fine with me , I 'm exhausted . My midwife should be showing up any time now for my monthly appointment . Those are always fun , though it means I have no time for a nap ! Hope everyone is enjoying their day ! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ! With love , Mama Hauck You know how when you were a kid you looked forward to all the holidays ? It didn 't matter which one , you loved them all . . . . Christmas , Valentine 's Day , Easter , Halloween , etc . But then when you 're older and out of the house , the holidays kinda loose their luster . They 're still nice and swell and all , but definitely not as fun as when you were a kid . And then BAM ! ! One day you wake up and you have sweet little kiddos tugging at your shirt and getting all excited about Easter eggs and letters from Santa and all of a sudden the holidays are SO MUCH FUN again ! You know that look of excitement on their faces ? It 's the same excited look you had on your face when you were a kid . . . . and the same look you have on your face all over again now . This is the first year in a long , long time I have gone to the store and gotten Valentines . Except now it 's not me picking them out , it 's Anthony . And it took him all of 2 seconds to do so , lol , Kung Fu Panda for the win ! : ) These are the little things that make being a Mama one of the best things in the world . I thought it would be fun to make little chex mix / trail mix goody bags for his classmates . Anthony didn 't disagree with me , so I took that as my cue to gather the rest of the stuff needed to make said goody bags while at the grocery store last Tuesday . Last Wednesday after Anthony was done with school , he and I sat down and got to work ! We also ( Molly included ) worked on a few projects for Papa for Valentine 's Day , but I 'll share that later . The ingredients / goods : Rice chex cereal Cheddar tiny twist pretzelsHoney Wheat rod pretzels RaisinsValentine colored M & M ' sBite size chocolate covered cookiesAnthony 's choice of ValentinesSandwich bags Stapler Love and patience How to : Because I wanted each kiddo to have equal amounts of the " fun stuff , " I portioned out the two types of pretzels , M & M 's , and chocolate cookie bites into 21 ( for 21 kids ! ) equal piles on the table then let Anthony put each pile in a sandwich bag . For the chex cereal and the raisins , we wound up just scooping a handful into each bag . I rustled up each bag , sealed it shut , then stapled a Valentine on each one after helping Anthony write his name on the back of each card . Voila ! ! Easy peasy . Anthony had a good time making his Valentines , I had a good time watching him have fun , we both ( and Molly whenever she came over to investigate ) filled our bellies along the way , and the dogs got the scraps that fell onto the floor making clean up a breeze . Here they are ! And remember those sugar body scrubs we made a bit ago for Anthony 's teachers ? They are now packaged up in cute little Valentine bags ready to make them smile and love Anthony even more ( if that 's even possible ! ! ) . Anthony had a whole lot to bring to preschool with him this morning ! I hope all the kiddos like his special Valentine treat and doubly hope they have a fantastic Valentine party ! When I dropped him off a bit ago the whole classroom was abuzz with excitement and all the kids were running around sneaking peeks at each others Valentines waiting in their cubbies to be handed out . Hehehe I can 't wait to go pick him up and see all his Valentine loot and have him tell me all about his day ! ! ; ) With love , Mama Hauck Anthony has Godparents , Timothy already has a Godfather ( and he 's not even here yet ! ) , but Molly . . . . cute little Molly had neither a Godmother nor Godfather . She did once , way back when she was first born , but it didn 't work out and that 's a long story that I 'm not going to get into . Now , after much thought , I came to my decision and hoped who I had chosen would say yes . Who would not want to be Molly 's Godmother ? She 's so dang sweet . : ) Molly and I got to work creating a special gift and sent it on its merry way to my childhood friend in NY , Jill . I received the phone call from Jill yesterday saying yes ! This definition of Godparent was taken from Wikipedia : " Traditionally , godparents were informally responsible for ensuring the child 's religious education was carried out , and for caring for the child should he / she be orphaned . Today , the word godparent might not have explicitly religious overtones . The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child 's upbringing and personal development " I lean more towards the more modern definition . In my mind , a Godparent is someone who has close ties to the family and loves the child very much . They will be there to love , encourage , mentor , listen and be another strong shoulder for the child to lean on as they grow up . They don 't necessarily have to be close in proximity physically , as long as they are never far away mentally and emotionally when needed . It gives the child a person to turn to ( other than their parents , grandparents and other family members ) when they need advice or someone to talk to . . . . . someone they can count on and trust . That 's what a Godparent means to me and that 's what I keep in mind when I choose one for each of my kiddos . Molly now has a Godmother and that makes me extremely happy ! Especially with it being Jill . < 3 I whipped out my paints and the kiddo 's painting smocks / tanks last week so we could have some painting fun ! The kids each did a painting to hang on our fridge and then each of the Grandparents got their hand prints in paint for Valentines Day . Molly thought it was hilarious that I was painting her hand , lol . Who doesn 't like to get a little paint on them ? Anthony did a fantastic job painting . It 's always a wonder to see just how much being in preschool has allowed him to blossom . Anthony got this wooden block castle set from his aunt and uncle for Christmas . I love watching him play it because he is so meticulous ! I 've never seen a 4 1 / 2 year old actually look at the diagram and directions ! LOL He 's such a little smarty pants and I 'm always impressed with his patience and concentration when building with his blocks . : ) Sweet little Mols was looking soooo cute and soooo excited ( so excited in fact , she was jumping around ! ) to go outside the other day , I had to snap a few photos of her before I put her coat on . She 's incredibly adorable with her hat on with those little pom poms at the end . Anthony is Line Leader and " Snack Boy " at school today . This means we had to go to the store and figure out a good snack and drink for 21 hungry school kids . Last time he was it , I made individual sugar free jello cups with a gummy worm on top ( in the spirit of Halloween ! ) . . . . . check them out HERE . This time I was going to do some sort of Valentine chex / trail mix , but decided I 'm going to save that for his special Valentines to hand out next Monday at their Valentine party . So instead I did individual baby carrot and ranch dip cups . Anthony wasn 't too happy about that . He made sure to tell me ( multiple times ) that he " doesn 't like carrots " and he 's " going to tell his teacher that he didn 't want carrots for a snack . " HAHA Poor boy , I thought it was a nice idea . Everyone else brings some sort of crackers , so I try to mix it up a bit when it 's our turn to provide the snack ! Friday evening we headed over to my gal pal Molly 's house fThe week ahead is a long one for the kids and I . I 'm already tired and it 's only Monday morning ! Hello , my name is Mama and I live a glorious life ! 30 years old , married for 11 . Mama to three little blessings . I 'm a taxi driver , maid , and cook . . . . among many other things . I change dirty diapers and feed hungry mouths . My ears never tire of hearing little giggles . I 've been pooped and peed on . I wipe away snot and clean up puke on a daily basis . At any given time I probably smell like puke too . I 'm a horrible singer , but my babies don 't seem to mind . I 'm a pro at multitasking . I make the best PB & J 's . Some days I stay in my pajamas . . . other days I don 't shower at all . I have an endless chore list that seems to be on repeat . Cars , legos , tea parties , and baby dolls fill my day . I sprinkle hugs and kisses on my babies like confetti . People ask me if I enjoy being a SAHM . . . . . it 's definitely not easy , nor is it glamorous , but I just smile and hope that my smiles says it all . Anthony Carl , 10 It 's all over Pinterest , I know . Everyone 's doing it , I know . I 'm usually not one to jump on the bandwagon . . . . . but I really , rea . . .
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My life . My story . Marriage . Divorce . Parenting . Fostering . Adoption . Social Issues . Law School ( & Beyond ) . Surviving & navigating a beautiful , complicated life . . . But I do write when I can , mostly because people who I 've been friends with for years will start sending me individual messages for updates on life , so it 's the most efficient way to keep everyone in the loop . Ok . . . so that sounds some kinda way . . . but you know it 's true & you wouldn 't love me if I were anything but honest . From time to time , though , I get feedback from strangers that catch me off guard . Recently I got a comment on a post I 'd completely forgotten about . One word , but was simple & appreciated . Today , I saw a notification on Twitter , with a quote I recognized . It sorta took my breath for a moment . I recognized the quote & all at once felt strangely exposed , while also grateful they took the time to leave the comment . I won 't lie , it 's hard for me to have people know these things . It 's something I don 't talk about much , except with others who 've been there . Years ago , I helped others talk through their own experiences & shared with them , but it was in a protected space , not exposed to the world . But , still , I leave those words out there because I have been contacted by survivors & secondaries who tell me it 's made a difference to them . So , today , I ask this : make a difference to someone . Even if it 's just in a small way , with a kind word or appreciation . You never know who 's feeling alone , or unappreciated , or who could just benefit from an extra smile . Posted by Just got an email from Lil Sis 's attorney . The tribe got their affidavits in & rights have been terminated on both parents . So we can move forward to adoption . While I know this hurts her mother so much , this is a huge step towards helping her feel secure , which is a major part of helping her heal . I 'm a big fan on Freecycle & managed to get a load of pressure treated lumber . Free stuff is great . Free lumber is a miracle . So , my older boys ( 11 & 13 ) helped me build a new set of bunks for the boys ' room . They love their new beds & I 'm happy because it 's way more stable than the metal loft bed that was in there previously . And , because I despise throwing anything away , I turned the loft bed into a greenhouse . I have to say , I 'm happy with the results so far . We 're still harvesting peppers , even though we 've already had a freeze & my garden is now gone . My greenhouse may actually help me to not hate winter . Our other big build was a chicken pen . Our city allows us to keep a few backyard chickens . The kids ' old swing set frame was bent & no longer safe , but it makes a great frame for a coop . I also covered one end with a plywood roof , covered in shingles fashioned from aluminum cans . It 's ugly , but functional . And I 'm happy to have some birds again . Looking at my calendar , it occurs to me that I forgot to update on court last month . My apologies , but the death in the family took precedence . Tpr has been file on both the mother & unknown father . A motion for default termination on unknown father was taken under advisement , pending receipt of an affidavit from the tribe 's ICW department , stating they have no objection . Her mother failed to appear , but the judge called her to have her appear telephonically . She says she plans to start working her plan , but still hasn 't done anything yet , nor does she know when she will . Pretrial is scheduled for October & tpr trial for November . However , the stand - in attorney for the child ( usual attorney was unavailable ) made a motion for default judgement against mother , as well , which is under advisement by the Court . What this means is , if she fails to appear at any future proceedings & no attorney appears on her behalf , the judge can terminate her rights without the jury trial . She was informed of this . So . . . we shall see . . . My second mother left this life today . The above poem was hung on her dining room wall ; a gift from one of the many " extras " she parented along the way . She took me into her family when I was 17 & taught me so much . She helped me find my voice & encouraged me to do what made me happy , regardless of the judgements of others . She encouraged me to repair my relationship with my parents & gave me a place to live when I needed one . She was a remarkable person . Imperfect , like us all . Through her triumphs & mistakes , she taught me how to live . . . & , now , how to die , with dignity & grace . Posted by " I can 't believe you 've never seen The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo ! You have to watch it . Do you want to borrow my copy ? It is so good . " And suddenly the tone of an otherwise friendly conversation changed , as often happens with someone who knows my story . There was the stammering apology . Followed by the awkward not knowing what to say to me . And , always the worst part , the air of pity that sweeps in like a thick , choking fog . " Don 't do that . It 's ok . It 's not something that you think about on a regular basis , and that 's ok . But the truth is that the things that have happened to me actually change people 's perceptions of me more than they actually effect my daily life . " This conversation has replayed in my head several times in the few days since . What I said was true . Rape changed me . It shattered my reality & changed my view of the world . But I am not broken . I am not hopelessly damaged goods . I do not need pity or for people to feel like they have to treat me as fragile glass . I 'm sure people mean well when they do that , but it 's actually the reason I don 't tell people . It changes they way they look at me . It alters their perception of me . And , sometimes , their reaction may alter my perception of them . The inability of some people to get past this condescending attitude has , in the past , interfered with relationships & , quite honestly , is the reason that very few people know about my history . It affects me , sure ; but it doesn 't define me & I don 't want it to shape who they see me as . I don 't need to be fixed . Earlier this week , we had yet another court hearing on Lil Sis 's case . As usual , nothing has really happened , but it was certainly interesting . Her mother was released from prison 3 months ago . According to the CW , Gma called him a couple times in the last week or so . When told that they wouldn 't discuss the case with her , she finally made the mother call . It appears that the mother is living with Gma again & Gma is pushing her to get her daughter back so she ( Gma ) can have her . It 's like a repeat of 5 years ago . This is the same pattern of behavior that occurred in her sister 's case . Perhaps that is why I was a lil more forceful in talking to the judge . Instead of objectively answering his questions , I sorta too over the hearing . I informed the court of all the things I thought they should know that DHS had not been telling them . Up until this point , everyone else involved ( child 's attorney , ADA & Judge ) had been operating as if this child was only in care because her mother had been incarcerated at the time Gma 's house became unsafe . Since the judge gave me more latitude this time around , I took the opportunity to inform them about the fact that this mother abandoned her when she was one , long before her incarceration & I made it clear that the struggles that Lil Sis is having right now are directly linked to the mishandling of her case throughout her life & that they cannot be addressed properly until she has permanency . At that point the CW tried to blame the ADA for tpr ( termination of parental rights ) not being filed yet . So the ADA yells at CW for not making the necessary request for the filing of tpr . In the end , next hearing is set out for 60 days to give ADA time to file & serve tpr petition . Oh yeah . . . and mother is back in jail for violations of the terms I her release . The foster care system is never boring . . . Or logical . Posted by It was 9 : 29 this morning , when I saw my phone light up . The message I received contained only a link . I was in disbelief when I read the headline : In Landmark Decision , U . S . Patent Office Cancels Trademark For Redskins Football Team After so many years of advocating against racist mascots , I hate to admit it , but I was not very optimistic that the Trademark Board would reach this decision . After all , they seemed to do backflips to dismiss the earlier suit without a trial on the merits . It wasn 't until other reports started appearing ( the New York Times , Sports Illustrated , and others ) that I started to really comprehend what had happened . This isn 't the end of the fight , by any means . It doesn 't signal the absolute immediacy of a cultural paradigm shift . However , it 's a start . Cancelling the federal trademark protection is a start to providing a monetary incentive towards changing the name . Hopefully the acknowledgment that the mascot is , indeed , disparaging will spur those teams that have been on the fence about changing to go ahead and do the right thing . I 'd like to thank Susan Harjo & Amanda Blackhorse for the work that they 've done on this issue , as well as so many thousands of others who stand up against stereotypical & racist mascots . This includes , naturally , the members and supporters of EONM , which formed following the success of # NotYourMascot . It was EONM who requested that I respond to a request for an on - camera interview with Fox News . It was such short notice & I felt completely unprepared , but I wanted to lend my voice to the issue . Hope I didn 't embarrass any of you . lol Groups have been working in Oklahoma to get rid of Native mascots for years . Still , many Oklahomans do not agree they need to go . " I don 't think they mean it now as being derogatory . I think that 's just the name , " Sam told FOX 25 . Brent Sanner posted on the FOX 25 Facebook page , " I , as a person of Indian heritage do NOT take offense of namesakes and I 've watched for several years and have never seen the Washington Redskins belittle in any way the American Indian culture . " Still , others say names like " Redskins " have to go . " I believe with changing times , we have to adjust with social conventions , so if a change needs to be made we need to make these changes , " Oklahoman Jose Escapa said . Oklahoma group Eradicating Offensive Native Mascotry is celebrating the Patent Office 's decision . " We also found the arguments put forward by the Washington , DC NFL franchise in the trademark case disingenuous . The term Redsk * ns may seem to refer to people in the DC area only to football but this speaks to the elimination of Native voices in the community through the historical fact of genocide . It has only been through the advent of social media and the work of the 900 + Native members and their allies of EONM that many of the team 's fans have ever even spoken to a Native person about how they feel about the name . Citing our elimination from the American consciousness because of genocide is not an acceptable argument to continued use of a slur . , " the group said in a statement . " I think a lot of people don 't understand the historical basis for the name in the first place , " Summer Wesley said . Wesley is a tribal attorney who also works with EONM . She has spent about 15 - years fighting for the cause . Wesley says Native mascots , even those that aren 't [ intended to be ] derogatory are damaging because they perpetuate stereotypes and racism and portray on a caricature of Indian peoples . " I 've found that very few people understand the psychological and sociological impact that stereotypical representations in sports and media have on society on a This is a step in the right direction . . . but there is still so much to do . Many things need to change in Indian Country & being seen as humans is an important first step to achieving those goals . Previously , I mentioned having to find a new job . Initially , at the request of my former boss , I declined to say what happened . However , since he is now publicly posting about it online , I see no reason to keep it quiet ( I 'm not even sure why he asked me to keep it a secret in the first place ) . The owner of the firm decided to relocate to another state . This wouldn 't have been so bad but for the fact that the employees were misled so that we would be on staff to cover the work and take care of the business while he took weeks of vacations & secretly planned his transition towards the move . Initially , we were told that they were purchasing another vacation home . Then , when he applied to be admitted to the Bar in that state , we were told that it was just to hopefully start picking up a few cases down there to ultimately lead to a two branch firm . Then , once he had everything lined up , we were told he was going to move . . . but that it would be a slow transition . Then , a few days after that revelation , he informed me that he was moving completely & I only had 6 weeks of employment left . The problem with that is most companies don 't even complete their hiring process in that amount of time . It also irritated me to finally find out that he had been planning this for quite some time before even starting the process of buying his new home . Relocating was the plan from the beginning , but he wanted us to work for him until the end . Needless to say , I feel rather used by this . I was stuck in his office , doing his job , while he took multiple vacations in the last few months , working for far less than my work was worth , because there was a promise of better things in the future . In fact , a few months prior , I had declined to apply for an excellent position with one of the tribes . Given my experience & references , I think I would have had a good chance of getting the job , but I didn 't apply because I felt like I should be loyal to the plans we had been making for the firm . I won 't make that mistake again . I was able to find another job , which I started on Monday . So , I was only out of work for a week . It 's not a bad job , but it 's not my passion , so I 'm looking at it as a temporary arrangement . I 've still got some application in for some legal jobs , but those listings don 't even close for a while , so they won 't even start reviewing applications for weeks . I 'm grateful to have a job , but it sorta feels like I 'm back in the same place I was 4 years ago ( which is why I went to law school ) , only now I have less support & more responsibilities . Trying to stay positive though . This morning I discovered that my girls ' mother was released from prison and I have yet to be informed by DHS . I 'm not sure what happened here . In February , I was told that she had at least two more years before she would even be eligible for release . How does one go from not eligible for a couple years to being released in a month ? I have no idea . Don 't get me wrong , I want her to be successful . I want her to learn to lead a healthy , productive life . However , not at the expense of a child . Lil Sis has not seen her since she was an infant . She is 6 now & has no bond with her and no memories of her . Given everything she 's been through already , I can 't even imagine . . . For the last couple hours , I 've been reading the journal in which I recorded our first round of foster care . From the first visit in the fall of 2007 , through the time we were granted guardianship in 2010 . The grief she went through . The tears . The nightmares . So much for such a young child . And then I think about who she is today . She has grown so much . She went from a toddler who they thought may never be able to attach to anyone , to a happy , loving 8 year old . There are other things in the words written in those pages . So many emotions , mostly anger & frustration , at the system . But the one thing that I didn 't remember is how soon Lil Sis came into the picture . Beautiful had only been with us for a few weeks when we were asked if we 'd be willing to take her little sister at birth . In that entry I wrote " if the two of them can 't have their family , they should definitely have each other . " So , I guess in some ways , the girls were always a package deal . The placement paperwork wasn 't even filed yet before they asked us to commit to the new baby , as well ( literally , as they moved her in without the proper paperwork & just back dated a week or so later ) . Perhaps that why it seemed so inconceivable to allow the girls to lose each other , once it came down to it . Now , I 'll be honest , I don 't think I 'll be able to just keep taking siblings , should their mother ever have any more . But it was always the goal to keep these two together & I still think that maintaining that is best for them , despite what my critics say . In any event , I 'm very glad that I kept the journal & I recommend it to all fost / adopt parents . There are details and observations that I had forgotten about my interactions with their bio family . Since most of them are pretty negative , the girls will probably be grown before I share them all , but it 's part of their story & they are entitled to it , if they wish . All in all , even though many of the entries were difficult to read , it reminded me of how far we 've come . . . & it gave me hope that this round on the whole crazy foster care rollercoaster may have an end , at some point . Sorting through stuff that has spent the last few years in storage & came across an envelope from 2005 . I don 't know why I noticed the postmark but paid no attention to the return address before opening it . It kind of took my breathe when the family tree full of hand written entries , some of which I can 't read , & photos from mom 's bio father fell out . I don 't even remember receiving this stuff , but I do recall the circumstances surrounding it . My mother had been in the hospital & they weren 't sure what was wrong with her . She wasn 't getting any better , and they had looked for everything that we knew was part of her family history . However , because Mom was adopted by her maternal grandparents & we had not had contact with her bio father for years , we really only had one side 's information . So , I called her bio father to get his medical history . Although it upset her to find this out , I am glad that I did so . Getting that medical history led to the diagnosis of her medical conditions and she has been better able to manage her health ever since . However , doing so opened a door that I had closed years before . I remember meeting him when I was around 3 . I 'm not sure why Mom chose to not have a relationship after that , as I 've never asked . Perhaps she did try & he flaked out , as was his habit . But , for years we received sporadic birthday or Christmas cards . As a child , I didn 't mind getting cards from him . I knew who he was , but I also had a good relationship with my Gramma & Grampa . I thought getting to know him would be interesting , because it would give me a fuller picture of where we came from & such . However , he expected to be instantly taken in as " grandpa " & for me to treat him , a stranger , as such . I expressed quite clearly that I was not going to do that several times but my boundaries were ignored . The relationship that I had with him was my choice & I didn 't appreciate his attempts to force me into how he wished for it to be defined . So , when I was around 8 , I told him that I didn 't wish to hear from him anymore . After that , I think I received a couple cards " from him " ( really sent by his girlfriend , so I 'm not even sure if he was aware they were sent ) . Needless to say , it was a rather awkward conversation when I had to call him and tell him that I tracked him down through the internet & wanted to know about all his medical issues so that , hopefully , his daughter would not die . Thankfully , he provided the information we needed , but he also told me that he had searched for me online & wanted a relationship , etc . Even though a relationship wasn 't something that I needed , I did allow cautious contact with him . He sent me this packet & I took his calls on the few occasions he reached out . He died a few years later . Sitting here looking at these photos I 'm struck by how much my mother looks like him . Also , I 'm flooded by thoughts of how this is why , as much as some people would like me to , I can 't say definitively that I will never allow my girls to have contact with their bio family . They may have questions . The may need information . They may just be curious . They may never care to know . What matters is that it is their lives , their family , and their choice . I will support them & try to help them safely navigate whatever choice they make . . . but it is their choice to make . Posted by This Mother 's Day , I am grateful to be able to spend time with my mom & my father 's mother . She 's the only grandmother I have left & I 'm so thankful that Memaw is still with us . It 's been 14 years , this month , since my maternal grandmother died . I didn 't realize , until I drove through her small town , how much I 've been missing her & Grampa lately . I 've even been dreaming about their house . It was a place that I always felt safe , as a child . Memaw had a sister , Lovely , who died about a decade ago . When I hear people talk about mothers , I often think of her ; which is interesting , since she never had children . She was so nurturing to everyone around her , though . Looking back , I think she 's as responsible for who I 've become , as any other influence in my life . She taught me to be true to who I am & to be flexible & willing to change direction as life changes the circumstances . Being a Christian minister , who had been raised with a heavily fundamentalist background , many people would likely be shocked at some of the ideas about scripture , that she & I discussed . But she was an incredible apologist & she wasn 't afraid to seperate the text from various levels of superstition that surround it . She taught me to always " study to prove yourself wrong " . If you go looking for a point , you 'll find it , even if it means unintentionally creating it . However , if you search the original text & intention ( well , as close as we have to such ) & can 't find anything that says your idea is wrong , only then can start to say that you may be right . It 's actually quite an amazing strategy , because it frees you from the twisting & taking scripture out of context that happen so often . Lovely taught me to live without concern for what others think . To live without shame & without allowing others to define me or my relaxation ships . To value myself & those around me , without giving credence to judgement or criticism . To live in a way that makes me happy , so long as it harms no one else . She also set an incredible example of generosity . I don 't knoSummer I 've been out of sorts & anti - social lately . And , when I say anti - social , I mean on a serious level . . . as in , I passed up a date last weekend without even considering it , even though I haven 't been on a real date in AGES & I knew it would be amazing . Partly , I 'm not ready to see anyone new , even casually , right now . Mostly , though , I just didn 't want to leave my house or be around people . Stress is at a high level , right now , so I 'm tired & moody . Plus my hormones are crazy out of whack . Seriously . Last night I cried uncontrollably over absolutely nothing , repeatedly . It was stupid & frustrating . . . & completely out of my control . I don 't do that . Ever . I need to go to the doctor . It 's time to get my labs redone , after the last abnormal screening . But I really don 't want to . The lack of an answer last time was irritating . Plus I 've been fighting a UTI for a couple weeks & , if I see the dr . , they will insist I take antibiotics . . . which I can 't do unless I 'm dying , because of chronic systemic candida . Last time I took antibiotics , it took months of diflucan to finally not be chronically ill . But . . . yeah . . . it 's really more about not wanting to do the Pap smear again . It 's a horrible experience to begin with . . . & it 's even worse with the unanswered questions from last time . I suppose I will have to act like a grown up & get it done before too long but , for now , I procrastinate . I really don 't feel like doing much of anything anyhow . Working , job hunting , recertifying for foster care & trying to figure out how I prepare for the Bar is exhausting . The person I used to let off steam to no longer answers my calls , for some reason unknown to me . So , I find I usually just sit in the dark & try to figure out how to work all this stuff out on my own , since it feels like I can 't really , consistently count on anyone but myself . I realize that probably seems overly dramatic , but when someone who 's been there for years just sorta disappears , that 's how it feels . I hate admitting that I feel abandoned lately , because it means I have to aSummer I know there are many views about whether or not we should be concerned about humane executions . Mostly , I approach it from a constitutional ideal in that , if we allow our government to violate it 's foundational laws , we put ourselves & our own families at risk . More personally , though . . . my daughter 's grandfather was executed at that same prison . When I see his photo , I see her face . She actually looks more like him than she does any other member of her bio family that I met . When I finally have to tell her about his story , I can only imagine how much harder it would be for her to know that he went through who goes through another loss when they are put to death . . . even the family members who agree with the death sentence . In interviews , many family members of the victims are often quoted as having very little satisfaction following the execution . So , yeah , I may not have other human beings involved in all sides of all this . And I think allowing ourselves to willfully torture people , make us no better than the monsters we are trying to get rid of . I 'm not opposed to capital punishment , but we do need to find a better solution than this . " Given the Warbonnet is a MALE headdress , you have two choices here . Call it cultural appropriation , the fight against which used to have other names ( xenophobia , segregation and racism , to name just a few ) . And before you freak out I ask you : Since when is stating that it 's okay for you to wear / do something because of your race / ethnic background but it isn 't okay for someone of a different race / ethnic background NOT racist ? Or . . . You can say it 's strictly a MALE privilege to wear such a headdress and then be out of line in social justice terms . But I doubt you will actually address either of my points , because frankly you don 't really have a clean way out of this . Other than , perhaps , admitting it isn 't that big a deal in the first place . " First of all , I won 't go into the fact that xenophobia , racism , and segregation , while related and often rooted in common causes , are , in fact , not synonymous ; nor are they historical methods for fighting cultural appropriation . To say that they are is to misunderstand what cultural appropriation is , in the first place . Racism & xenophobia have often resulted in segregation , to prevent the equality and intermingling of races , not cultural appropriation . Cultural appropriation is stealing from , and bastardizing , elements of another culture . So , you see , the attempted argument in the first " choice " is foundationally fallacious & logically invalid . In reality , it 's a diversionary attempt to dismiss the viewpoints of those who speak out , because it 's easier to do so than to face the cognitive dissonance of acknowledging that many of the things that we are accustomed to are actually racist microaggressions . I understand the impulse . . . just don 't expect me to buy into it , or shy away from pointing it out . As for the second " choice " Anonymous laid out , it , too , is based on faulty assumptions . First of all , traditional gender roles with any given Native society isn 't necessarily " out of line in social justice terms " . I assume the suggestion is that a headdress being only for males is somehow sexist . However , that there are many layers to why this is a fallacy . First of all , it is superimposing a value system upon another culture to which is has no valuable or relevant application . Western feminism plays no role in Native cultures . While most Native cultures have ( or historically had ) prescribed gender roles , to distill the idea down to a simple binary whereas you can extrapolate judgments is to overly simplify & misunderstand . Many tribes believed in Two - Spirit individuals , for example , which requires the rejection of a simple binary understanding of gender . Early missionaries to my tribe recorded their shock at seeing some individuals who were genetically male dressing & living ' as woman ' . So there seems to be some persistence of the western idea that sex & gender are synonymous that often clouds peoples ' understanding on this . Secondly , even if we choose to look at it through a lens of binary gender definitions , the fact remains that such headdresses are not solely within the male domain . As Johnnie Jae , of Native Max Magazine , reminded me , there are women who have earned the right to wear the headdress , such as " Minnie Hollow Wood , who fought with the men against the calvary at Little Big Horn , and more recently Chief Theresa Spence as well as other First Nation female chieftains . " Therefore , the last " choice " that the commenter left us with is , in fact , not valid , either . Let 's momentarily leave the concept of cultural appropriation as a whole and focus exclusively on that of the headdress . These are not part of my culture , so I have consulted with many people from those cultures , over the years . The refrain that I hear is the sacred nature of them . They must be earned . If someone wears one without earning it , even if they are from within that nation , it is sacrilege . Since I choose to be a respectful person , I don 't deliberately take sacred or exalted objects from other cultures and bastardize , trivialize , or appropriate them . Whether those things are valuable is determined by the culture they belong to , not by me . It really isn 't terribly complicated . As for the young Ms . Fallin , yesterday , she decided to show continued disrespect to the Native community . Her band posted to their FB , early in the day that they would be appearing in " full regalia " at the Norman Music Festival that night . The backlash was immediate & a protest , led by a local musician , was formulated . Pink Pony attempted to have the protestors removed by security . Fallin appeared onstage in a shawl with sheep on it . I can only assume that is a reference to the fact that many of her supporters were referring to those that spoke out about her headdress photo as " sheep " , claiming that we were outraged in the name of political correctness , rather than independent thought . Personally , I find their attempts at emotional manipulation and inciting outrage to be juvenile & indicative of their true character . You see , many people defended Ms . Fallin the first time around . Perhaps she didn 't know any better . Now , though , she no longer have naivety to hide behind . Not only did she receive critique , but she also received genuine education . In fact , a woman for the lodge that I participate in , extended an offer for Ms . Fallin to attend a sweat with us and to learn more about / from Native women . She is clearly not interested in learning about , nor respecting , Natives . Her conduct last night was openly mocking & ignorance is no longer a defense . The first time can be a mistake , the second is malice . EONM issued a press release about Fallin 's performance , please read it . However , I want to go a step further than calling " upon the Riverwind Casino , Blackwatch Studios and Christina Fallin and Governor Mary Fallin to apologize for this direct attack affront to Native American concerns regarding the misuse of our culture and purposeful insult to Native Americans in general . " I would like a statement from the Chickasaw Nation , either supporting or denouncing the behavior of Ms . Fallin , as they are not only the owners of the sponsoring casino , but also of the property where the original incident occurred . They need to make it clear where they stand . While participating in a women 's sweat last night , prayers went up for those who have been abused , and those who have abused . As the prayers for peace , healing & forgiveness were spoken , my mind went to another place momentarily . Memories of standing over the grave of the man that altered the world as I knew it were so clear . I remember seeing the messages left by his loved ones , expressing how wonderful he was & how they 'd miss him . Reconciling that with the sadistic sociopath who had preyed on young girls for years , was difficult . Part of me always understood that he had probably become that way from things that had happened to him , as that is usually the case . Another sweat , that one a healing ceremony for me , came to mind . I had been going through a lot of personal issues & it was causing PTSD symptoms in levels that I had never experienced prior . The flash backs were so real , with full auditory & even olfactory integration . . . actually reliving experiences . I was suddenly remembering details that I had not previously had conscious memory of . Body memories were seriously interfering with my sex life ; with any sort of physical intimacy , actually , as I couldn 't even stand to be touched by others without feeling anxiety . In short , it was beginning to interfere with my ability to function & I needed help . I turned to a Cherokee friend , who runs a lodge in eastern Oklahoma , whom I had sweated & attended various ceremonies with for several years . She & another friend from the circle brought me in for healing sweat . The stories & confessions that were shared inside the lodge that day will remain there , & with me , forever . The experience , though , was transformative . Thinking back , juxtaposing that sweat a few years ago with the one I was in at that moment , I realized how different I am now . Something happened over that time that I couldn 't have anticipated . Along with healing and maturity , I gained more empathy & lost the compulsion to judge people ( as opposed to their actions ) . I 've become less willing to settle & less afraid to be alone . I have learned that no one is responsible for my happiness , other than me . Perhaps that is how I 've reached the point where I largely ignore the expectations and rules that have been externally imposed in attempts to define individuals and relationships . Nobody , & nothing , is perfect . As long as it all averages out to more good than bad , & the cost - benefit analysis balances out , we 're doing pretty well overall . I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life , such as the women in both of the ceremonies mentioned , that help me become a better person every day . I 'm happy with who I 've become & hope that I can continue to grow & evolve in positive ways . . . and , hopefully , that will allow me to help others and contribute to their lives , as well . Time changes things . . . perhaps nothing as much as who we are . . . Today , a friend & I took a dozen kids to the zoo . Like me , she & her husband have a large family that is comprised of both bio & foster kids . Today , she had only 7 of her 9 & I had all 5 of mine . So , the two of us took a dozen wild & crazy kids to the zoo . Ages 8 months , 2 , 3 , 4 , 6 , 8 , 11 , 12 , 13 , 13 , 13 , 14 . When we take our large , diverse families out together , people look at us like we 're part of some strange cult . The looks are always interesting . haha I am currently job hunting , which is a full time job , in itself . But , I also have to actually work , & raise kids . I only have until the end of May to find something , because that 's when my current job ends ( No , it 's not related to my Bar results , but I 'm not at liberty to discuss the reason that my position is being eliminated , at this time ) . I 'll probably have time to get it all done , as long as I don 't sleep . . . or eat . . . or have any sort of human contact , ever . . . I 've submitted over a dozen applications already & am writing cover letter for a half dozen more , today . I 'm determined to find something . However , I will be taking Saturday off & doing as little as humanly possible , because it will be my birthday . Even if no one else celebrates my existence , I will . ; - ) As far as I know , Wasband is still in jail . He 's scheduled to stay there until the end of May , unless he pays the purge amount . The Bigs seem fine with it , but don 't seem interested in seeing him over their summer vacation , so I interpret that as they are either upset with his choices or have just given up on staying connected with him , at least for the time being . There has been no changes on Lil Sis 's case . We don 't go back to court until later in the summer , so this process promises to be long & tedious . Her CW is supposed to do a monthly visits , but I haven 't seen anyone since January . I know that shouldn 't surprise me , because it has become the pattern , but it does . The state has a responsibility to ensure the safety of the kids in their custody , and they can 't do that if they don 't actually check on them . Lil Sis 's behaviors have greatly improved & we are dealing mostly with normal , age appropriate issues at this point . She continues in therapy , though , and it seems to be helping her a lot . That 's all I can think of right now . If anyone has specific things they want updates on that I haven 't mentioned , you know where the comments box is located . . . One thing the Flying W has that most ranches don 't , though , is an archeological site . Specifically , it is the " largest buffalo kill site in the southern plains " . Archaeologists from the University of Oklahoma oversee the exploration and excavation at the Flying W Guest Ranch kill site , and have revealed the remains of approximately 800 bison . If you visit the ranch during dig season , you can actually participate in the dig . Of course , I had to visit at the wrong time . . . but I would like to return sometime to see the dig . I am the mother of 5 amazing children . Three sons that joined the family through biology & 2 daughters that came to us through adoption . We are all Choctaw , but we are a multi - racial family , as well . . . but , regardless of our genetic make - up or how each member joined our family , we are family , first and foremost .
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Thank you for visiting my website , you are very much welcome to read and comment what 's being written here . You are so free to leave my site quietly if you are not pleased . Respect what 's everything here and i will definitely do the same thing soon as i visit your site . Thank you and have a good one ! ! ! It won 't be long , couple of months from now and it will be mother 's day again . This is going to be my 6th year to celebrate as a mother . I became a mother in the year 2005 when i delivered my very first child . It was indeed a memorable moment for me , i had mix emotions then all over me . It was a good timing when my boy was born because it was mother 's day that day . Every year hubby gives me something special when mother 's day comes , it 's always a surprise , although he gives me simple things , but i do appreciate it a lot , knowing that he 's thinking of me and thanking me as a mother of his kids . I wonder if what am i going to have this mothers day 2011 gifts from husband ? Hmmm , let 's wait and see , he likes to surprise me and i love it too . . . . Yay i can 't wait for the spring time ! It 's almost here ! And for sure that winter sale will be all over the store . This time of year will be the perfect time to buy winter items for they will mark it down to get the spring items ready for the next couple of months . My boys definitely needs new clothes and some other things that they wear everyday . I am hunting for the sale items that 's marked 50 to 75 percent off , they even have 80 percent off sometimes . Just like last time , i bought a lot of clothes for them , and of course for me as well , i got the kamik rain boots that i wear almost everyday during winter season . I love it for it is very comfortable to my feet and it 's light . I know for sure i will be getting more stuff this year . . . I just barely got done viewing all the JS prom party of my cousin . I could not believe it myself how much she has grown . It seems like she was only a baby when i had my first job and stayed in their house for awhile . I used to tease my cousin because she gets upset easy and gets mad at me and lock herself inside her room for hours and falls asleep in there . Now she just attended a JS party which means she is about to graduate in high school soon . Goodness , i feel old now ! haha ! Anyway , i am glad to see her that she enjoyed the party according to what i saw to her pictures that she posted in the networking website . Her dress is gorgeous and it fit to her perfectly . The color choice was excellent as well , it matched to her wallet that she was holding . Her mom must did a great job for preparing everything for her . I also saw some of her classmates prom dresses , but there was nothing like hers , she stood out in the crowd and she looked like she is a princess in her dress . I remember i was able to attend the JS prom too but the dress i wore wasn 't mine , it was a rental dress . I love to wear dress myself , and i would like to collect some of it if i have budget for it . Though i have few already , but i was thinking that i should just have to hold on to it for now for i have no special occasions to attend to such as formal parties that i will be oblige to wear something like evening dresses . I sometimes dream to be in a ball and wearing a real nice gown myself and being praised how beautiful i am wearing my gorgeous dress . It might be just a dream for now , but who knows it might come true . That 's just one of my simple dream that i want it to come true = ) These are some dresses that i would like to wear , which of these do you think that will fit me good ? Every morning i always am busy because i a have a little one and also a kindergarten that i need to take care of to get him ready for school . Even though he doesn 't go to school that early ( which i am thankful about , because i always sleep late ) , i still get very busy in the morning . Having two kids is a lot of work for me already . That 's why i am so amazed by my mother for she was able to take care all of us , she 's got nine kids and we all are raised well with good manners , good etiquette , and most of all , healthy and happy . Anyway , it 's a lot different here though because i am the only one that does everything in the house including the kids . Especially the little one , i really need to keep my eye close to him all the time for he cannot just sit or stay still , he 's got to to have something to do that will keep him busy . There were one time that i caught him in the kitchen on top of the counter playing those knives in our butcher blocks . Goodness ! He used the small ladder so he can get on top and reach the things that got him interested . I don 't really trust him just being by himself though , i already had enough of situations that got me scared to death . This picture below was taken yesterday . He was on top of his big brother 's blue chair standing by the window . I was wondering why he was so quiet and watching so seriously outside . So i sneaked on him without him knowing i was there , i took a picture of him without his knowledge . He was so fascinated with those birds outside on top of the walnut tree , they were chirping and singing and pecking the branch , hoping they can get some worms or some food . But my baby looks like , he is scared or worried in this picture , doesn 't he ? This boy is really something and he sure is a lot different from his big brother which is more behaved and more serious type of kid . Here i go again ! Another headache due to lack of sleep . I slept late last night because i was chatting with my family back home . I always enjoy doing it despite the fact that i suffer a headache soon as i wake up in the morning . I guess i just have to take some pain reliever for this , it 'll go away soon though . What 's more important for me is i had fun and enjoy talking to my family . My brother told me that he was looking for some Motorcycle Helmets for him and for our one brother . He did not like the one that was free from when we bought the motorcycle . There was two of them and he said that it is a little too big and heavy as well . He wants to buy that fits his head just right so it doesn 't wiggle when he drives the motorcycle . Also the other brother complained about the free helmet he got , what do you expect ? It 's free anyway , so it 's usually like that when it is free , not the best one that you can get . So , he showed me the helmets that he found on the net , he likes the most of their style and colors . I honestly like their selections as well , they look so comfy and light . Since he got the white motorcycle and the other brother got the black motorcycle , i should say that this Shoei Helmets fits perfectly for both of them . I let them chose but they said that it will be up to my decision , so i asked them about what i thought it would be best for them and they were both happy when they saw what i chose for them . It 's my happiness to make my family happy and it makes me smile whenever i see them gets excited for something . Having the most affordable yet excellent Car Insurance is one way of helping the financial status of a family or even to those who are single . Since single and younger drivers gets the most expensive car insurance usually for they are more at risk on the road . Hubby and i are happy enough to what we currently have , we pay not so much money on our car insurance yet , we get almost all the important coverage such as liability and other things . So far we don 't have problem that we encountered with our car insurance for we have been a good drivers , both hubby and i . Everything is under to what we expected it to be and it 's been that way since hubby included my name in our car insurance . The previous car insurance that hubby used to have , charged us so much money for they said that i am not an experienced driver , how silly is that ? So right then , we looked for another and better car insurance that will meet our budget and it will give us good coverage as well . And so far since then , we 've been so happy that we switched , we got no trouble and the most good thing about it is a very affordable car insurance . Who doesn 't like to have a good vacation ? Especially when you are stressed and exhausted from work maybe or from everyday house chores that you always deal with . Just like me , i am a stay home mother and a little exhausted about keeping the house clean , yet i can still never keep it clean , thanks to the two active kids in the house . It takes me hours and hours to put things away while it only takes minutes for my two boys to make the house chaotic again . And also the other thing that i am whining about is the cold weather here , although i have been here only for not so long but yet i am just too tired of this freezing weather we have here , and i guess i have no choice but to live with it for i a live here now with my family . I would say , i am destined to get stuck into this place , though i did not like the bitter cold winter season here . Since hubby and i love to travel a lot , we have been considering to travel to different places and not just here around the country , we are also thinking that it will be good if we can see some new scenic place such as in Europe or somewhere else . A friend of mine told me about the villas in Furteventura which is so close to where she lives and her family . She is a little excited when she knew that we are planning to have a trip where she 's at so we can meet in person and we are so sure that we 'll do a lot of talking , as you all know , girls like to talk a lot . She said that there are some good holiday cottages in there for rent and it is also affordable . But first , i have to let my husband know about this to see what he thinks . I am excited to see her in person as well . She 's been a friend online for so long and it 's probably about time to meet her up and her family as well . You probably hardly noticed that i change my profile picture here every so often . It 's because i like to put the recent photos i have and you might not know yet or maybe some faithful readers i have here knows already that i am getting hooked into photography . In fact i created a site for it , so i can post all the pictures that i like to share to everybody . And you might want to take a peek to that site i have , it 's Photography Is My Hobby . . . Anyway , i again , changed my profile picture and this is my very recent self portrait . I took this yesterday , i attended a birthday party of a friend that is dear to me . We celebrated her birthday in a very simple way , yet it was a blast for her and we all enjoyed the night . Indeed a very memorable moment for her and for her dear friends who came , including me . She is a friend that is worth to keep in someone 's heart for she has a good heart just like my other dear friends . Photography is one hobby that i am currently hooked up on to . But i am still in the process of learning a lot of things from this hobby and i am just so amazed whenever i see a lot of excellent photographs taken by those professional photographers . I myself wants to be a professional too , and i know that i will get there , i just have to enroll to a photography class . Anyway , i am talking about photography because i saw this aerial photography that caught my attention . How amazing it is to have such a great shots like these . Very impressive photographs that i sometimes wonder if i can do it myself . They must have a good photography equipments to take some awesome shots such as aerial cinematography and also the aerial videography . I have been watching in the television on how to take shots like this , but for now , i just have to be contented to what i can , i am a dreamer and i want all my dreams to come true . And there is nothing impossible to a person to dream and works for his dream as well . What a small world indeed ! A friend of mine for a long time is happen to be the best friend of my other friend . I did not know it until the first friend told me about her good friend that i found she is also my friend ! Goodness , what a crazy world it is ! Anyway , that 's why i found out that the person that my friend was talking about is also my friend because she mentioned that this girl is going to Israel because she is going to take the summer programs in israel which she has been dreaming to go to that place . And now that she finally got her dream come true , i am sure that she is feeling like is in the cloud nine right at this moment . Her flight will be this coming Friday and she is just so anxious , she packed her things long time ago already and looking forward for a good future that will bring her being in that place . She applied for an internships in israel and luckily she got qualified and now getting ready for it . Me and my friend which happens to be her friend as well , are just so happy for her success . I know that she will do good in there , and israel internships will take her to the top and bring her good future ahead . There are a lot of top rated diet pills in the market , but getting right one for you is not as easy as what you think it is . Some of them might have a bad effects especially those who are planning to get pregnant or is pregnant . Obviously pregnant women should not take any pills that may cause harm to the baby inside the womb . Diet pills should be taken when you are not pregnant or not undergoing any medication for some health problems . Diet pills might give you progress but it also can give you side effects from taking it , so make sure to choose the best and right one for you . The kids are growing so fast and i can 't stop them ! Goodness , i was viewing last night all the photos of my kids when they were just babies and it made me realize that they are indeed growing , where did those time go ? Time flies indeed ! And this coming spring time and summer , i must say that they want to be out more often for they have been stuck inside the house all winter long . I hibernated myself and so are they , they cannot go outside without me watching them or their daddy . I am planning to get an above ground pools to put it in our backyard this coming summertime . The one that my oldest son has before is now tearing apart . So for them to enjoy our backyard more , getting a mini pool is just perfect . And i don 't have to worry about it when winter comes again because there is cover for it . It is neat though , it 's like a car that has cover and worry not about it when the snow pours so hard . Name all the aches and pains in the world , i have it ! Head that is burning and aching so bad , runny nose , sneezing endlessly , throat that is so dry and scratchy , sore muscles , and feels like i am going to have fever . I don 't like getting sick for i know that even though i am sick , i am the only one that will do everything here inside the house , attending the kids and the never ending chores . I want to get some rest , or maybe a full rest so i can recover quick , but i guess i can 't get it knowing kids are all over the place , wherever i go they always follow me , the are like my tail , they can 't just go somewhere and play . I wish Philippines is just an hour drive so i can just hop in the car and take off and get some help from family . In times like this , it makes me feel homesick because i wanted to be just by myself and get the full rest i want . Getting sick is no good at all because like what i said , no one can take my place and do all the things that i do here everyday . When taking some medicines , vitamins and supplements , it really is necessary to read the labels or the reviews about the certain pills for you to learn more about it that you are going to take . Such like this phentermine reviews , if you happen to hear about this pills , you 've got to read this reviews because there are some side effects of it , it can be addicted and people should be warned about this thing for it is not good when you start taking it and will get addicted to it . Personally , i am not currently taking anything , and that is what i am afraid of , to take something and might be hard for me to get it off in my system . That 's why i am very careful when it comes to matter like this . I am a little scared and i worry about the effects of these pills too . Elder people starts to experience some problems , such as being forgetful , some body pains and other things . Memory gap is the most common problem of the elders , and having a human growth hormone is not a big problem nowadays for aging people because there is already a supplement for it that will help them maintain their memory sharp and maintain to be a youthful active physically . I should have known it then so to keep my mother active , it makes me feel so sad whenever she is telling me about her body pains . She should have taken this kind supplement long time ago to prevent her body from aging fast . But i guess it is not too late yet to do it , i would love to see my mother happy and active again like she was before . Once again i am happy that i was able to talk to my mother online yesterday . The kids and i made her happy somehow even though we are far apart from her . We talked a lot of things , and ended up talking about she is having a hair fall . She asked me if i could send her a best hair loss products that will treat her problem . She is a little scared about it because she is now seeing her scalp due to her hair fall problem . So i told her not to worry for i know the best one that is been using my brother in law and will get some for her to send . I will include it to my list so i can put it in the box that i am about to send it to her soon . I hope that the said product will work on her just as what is supposed to do . Of all the diet pills that you are considering , you might be asking yourself which one of the weight loss pill that works really ? It is sometimes hard to choose the best one that will work just as perfect that you wanted it to be , there are times that you have try to all of the pills that you heard that they work good for you to testify which one is really best for you . I have never tried to take some pills yet , but if it 's in case i will , i have to make sure that i will read all the reviews for me to learn what will be the good effect and side effects from taking it . But since i don 't want to take pills as of now , i would just like to advice that you really need to read the reviews of the certain pills that you are going to take . It has been awhile since i last updated this blog of mine . It 's not that i am lazy though , i just can 't find perfect topic to talk about and can 't seem to find good words either . Anyway , i was going to ask you guys how was your valentines date with your partners go ? Ours , like usual , hubby and i dated with our kids and it was a little late because the little one was not feeling so good and until he still cranky and sick . Whimpering in his sleep and whining when he 's awake , doesn 't me to put him down and wanted to be held all the time . But hubby and i were glad that we were able to dine out last night . We both decided to go to Canyon since we 've never been there for how many years now . We went straight to home depot first to get the things that we need for the house and stopped by at the mall to get the valentines gift for me . I was going to get the white bracelet but hubby told me that this watch below fits on me right , it looks good on my wrist rather than the white bracelet . So since it was hubby 's suggesting it , i got this one instead of the white bracelet . I love it really , and it is very special for me because it was hubby who chose it for me . He bought me a digital watch six years ago and until now it 's still working . I take care of everything really well especially if hubby is the one 's giving it . After we got the watch , we headed to the pizza house where they have the most famous pizza for it is being baked through the firewoods and not through the oven . It was a very memorable valentines dinner date with my husband and our kids . Another unforgettable moment to treasure . When i went home to visit my family , i noticed that every time i go to an internet shop , they have those acer desktops . It 's probably because they are not as expensive like the other brands , yet it is reliable and has good quality kind of computer . It is also a wise thinking to have it as a business computers because it is lesser compared to the known branded computers but it 's almost as good as branded ones . My brother has it too when he bought his new computer , he said it is being practical to have something like what he has because he doesn 't really go for expensive computers . The security cameras is really a big help for the stores . And i should say that every home should have at least one too , especially to those who are hiring baby sitters . You really cannot trust a stranger unless it 's your family or relatives that are taking care of your baby . So having a camera in your house is one way to prevent abuse from your child while you are away . I mention this because i saw a movie about the spy camera that a guy created mainly for house , so while they are gone , he turns on the hidden camera for them to see what 's going while they are away from their house . Which i think a clever idea , don 't you think ? When i got here in America six years ago , my husband bought me a dual time watch for me to figure out what time it would be in my country and at the same time i will see the time here as well . I was a little confused then so having a dual time watch is just easy for me learn the time easy . And until now i still have the watch , the battery has been replaced but the watch itself still looks good even though it is old already . It also still works just as good and what i like most about it is , it has a glow light so i can easily see the time during at night . But since that this watch of mine served for a long time , i guess it 's just about time to treat myself with my little income here through blogging and buy a new watch for me . I have been eyeing this fossil white bracelet watch . I just love how it looks and even though it doesn 't have light ( i guess ) , still this is the one that i am planning to get for myself . My birthday is fast approaching and this watch will be considered as gift for myself for turning thirty years of existence in this world . I already told hubby about my plan on buying myself a new watch and he said that it is a good idea and indeed , it 's about time to replace my ever first watch that i got since i stepped my feet here in America . I would say that i am not even halfway done of shopping for my box to send to my mother . I promised her to send this box which has a lot of good things that she can use and the rest of my family . I also put the Cherokee scrubs for my niece that is now working in the hospital as a nurse . My family and i are so proud of her because for the first time , we have a nurse in the family , finally ! ! ! I used to dream to be a nurse someday , but that someday did not come , it did not happen . But ! I am happy to know that one of my niece made it ! So now , instead of wearing scrubs myself , i ended buying it for my niece for her to wear it . " Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent . " - Eleanor Roosevelt - " A pure blooded southern Filipina with principles , well mannered and well disciplined . Was born and raised in Philippines and currently living in United States with her small yet happy family . She is well taken cared by her loving dear husband . A proud mother of two boys . A very friendly person but can be evil once provoked . "
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Thank you for visiting my website , you are very much welcome to read and comment what 's being written here . You are so free to leave my site quietly if you are not pleased . Respect what 's everything here and i will definitely do the same thing soon as i visit your site . Thank you and have a good one ! ! ! It won 't be long , couple of months from now and it will be mother 's day again . This is going to be my 6th year to celebrate as a mother . I became a mother in the year 2005 when i delivered my very first child . It was indeed a memorable moment for me , i had mix emotions then all over me . It was a good timing when my boy was born because it was mother 's day that day . Every year hubby gives me something special when mother 's day comes , it 's always a surprise , although he gives me simple things , but i do appreciate it a lot , knowing that he 's thinking of me and thanking me as a mother of his kids . I wonder if what am i going to have this mothers day 2011 gifts from husband ? Hmmm , let 's wait and see , he likes to surprise me and i love it too . . . . Yay i can 't wait for the spring time ! It 's almost here ! And for sure that winter sale will be all over the store . This time of year will be the perfect time to buy winter items for they will mark it down to get the spring items ready for the next couple of months . My boys definitely needs new clothes and some other things that they wear everyday . I am hunting for the sale items that 's marked 50 to 75 percent off , they even have 80 percent off sometimes . Just like last time , i bought a lot of clothes for them , and of course for me as well , i got the kamik rain boots that i wear almost everyday during winter season . I love it for it is very comfortable to my feet and it 's light . I know for sure i will be getting more stuff this year . . . I just barely got done viewing all the JS prom party of my cousin . I could not believe it myself how much she has grown . It seems like she was only a baby when i had my first job and stayed in their house for awhile . I used to tease my cousin because she gets upset easy and gets mad at me and lock herself inside her room for hours and falls asleep in there . Now she just attended a JS party which means she is about to graduate in high school soon . Goodness , i feel old now ! haha ! Anyway , i am glad to see her that she enjoyed the party according to what i saw to her pictures that she posted in the networking website . Her dress is gorgeous and it fit to her perfectly . The color choice was excellent as well , it matched to her wallet that she was holding . Her mom must did a great job for preparing everything for her . I also saw some of her classmates prom dresses , but there was nothing like hers , she stood out in the crowd and she looked like she is a princess in her dress . I remember i was able to attend the JS prom too but the dress i wore wasn 't mine , it was a rental dress . I love to wear dress myself , and i would like to collect some of it if i have budget for it . Though i have few already , but i was thinking that i should just have to hold on to it for now for i have no special occasions to attend to such as formal parties that i will be oblige to wear something like evening dresses . I sometimes dream to be in a ball and wearing a real nice gown myself and being praised how beautiful i am wearing my gorgeous dress . It might be just a dream for now , but who knows it might come true . That 's just one of my simple dream that i want it to come true = ) These are some dresses that i would like to wear , which of these do you think that will fit me good ? Every morning i always am busy because i a have a little one and also a kindergarten that i need to take care of to get him ready for school . Even though he doesn 't go to school that early ( which i am thankful about , because i always sleep late ) , i still get very busy in the morning . Having two kids is a lot of work for me already . That 's why i am so amazed by my mother for she was able to take care all of us , she 's got nine kids and we all are raised well with good manners , good etiquette , and most of all , healthy and happy . Anyway , it 's a lot different here though because i am the only one that does everything in the house including the kids . Especially the little one , i really need to keep my eye close to him all the time for he cannot just sit or stay still , he 's got to to have something to do that will keep him busy . There were one time that i caught him in the kitchen on top of the counter playing those knives in our butcher blocks . Goodness ! He used the small ladder so he can get on top and reach the things that got him interested . I don 't really trust him just being by himself though , i already had enough of situations that got me scared to death . This picture below was taken yesterday . He was on top of his big brother 's blue chair standing by the window . I was wondering why he was so quiet and watching so seriously outside . So i sneaked on him without him knowing i was there , i took a picture of him without his knowledge . He was so fascinated with those birds outside on top of the walnut tree , they were chirping and singing and pecking the branch , hoping they can get some worms or some food . But my baby looks like , he is scared or worried in this picture , doesn 't he ? This boy is really something and he sure is a lot different from his big brother which is more behaved and more serious type of kid . Here i go again ! Another headache due to lack of sleep . I slept late last night because i was chatting with my family back home . I always enjoy doing it despite the fact that i suffer a headache soon as i wake up in the morning . I guess i just have to take some pain reliever for this , it 'll go away soon though . What 's more important for me is i had fun and enjoy talking to my family . My brother told me that he was looking for some Motorcycle Helmets for him and for our one brother . He did not like the one that was free from when we bought the motorcycle . There was two of them and he said that it is a little too big and heavy as well . He wants to buy that fits his head just right so it doesn 't wiggle when he drives the motorcycle . Also the other brother complained about the free helmet he got , what do you expect ? It 's free anyway , so it 's usually like that when it is free , not the best one that you can get . So , he showed me the helmets that he found on the net , he likes the most of their style and colors . I honestly like their selections as well , they look so comfy and light . Since he got the white motorcycle and the other brother got the black motorcycle , i should say that this Shoei Helmets fits perfectly for both of them . I let them chose but they said that it will be up to my decision , so i asked them about what i thought it would be best for them and they were both happy when they saw what i chose for them . It 's my happiness to make my family happy and it makes me smile whenever i see them gets excited for something . Having the most affordable yet excellent Car Insurance is one way of helping the financial status of a family or even to those who are single . Since single and younger drivers gets the most expensive car insurance usually for they are more at risk on the road . Hubby and i are happy enough to what we currently have , we pay not so much money on our car insurance yet , we get almost all the important coverage such as liability and other things . So far we don 't have problem that we encountered with our car insurance for we have been a good drivers , both hubby and i . Everything is under to what we expected it to be and it 's been that way since hubby included my name in our car insurance . The previous car insurance that hubby used to have , charged us so much money for they said that i am not an experienced driver , how silly is that ? So right then , we looked for another and better car insurance that will meet our budget and it will give us good coverage as well . And so far since then , we 've been so happy that we switched , we got no trouble and the most good thing about it is a very affordable car insurance . Who doesn 't like to have a good vacation ? Especially when you are stressed and exhausted from work maybe or from everyday house chores that you always deal with . Just like me , i am a stay home mother and a little exhausted about keeping the house clean , yet i can still never keep it clean , thanks to the two active kids in the house . It takes me hours and hours to put things away while it only takes minutes for my two boys to make the house chaotic again . And also the other thing that i am whining about is the cold weather here , although i have been here only for not so long but yet i am just too tired of this freezing weather we have here , and i guess i have no choice but to live with it for i a live here now with my family . I would say , i am destined to get stuck into this place , though i did not like the bitter cold winter season here . Since hubby and i love to travel a lot , we have been considering to travel to different places and not just here around the country , we are also thinking that it will be good if we can see some new scenic place such as in Europe or somewhere else . A friend of mine told me about the villas in Furteventura which is so close to where she lives and her family . She is a little excited when she knew that we are planning to have a trip where she 's at so we can meet in person and we are so sure that we 'll do a lot of talking , as you all know , girls like to talk a lot . She said that there are some good holiday cottages in there for rent and it is also affordable . But first , i have to let my husband know about this to see what he thinks . I am excited to see her in person as well . She 's been a friend online for so long and it 's probably about time to meet her up and her family as well . You probably hardly noticed that i change my profile picture here every so often . It 's because i like to put the recent photos i have and you might not know yet or maybe some faithful readers i have here knows already that i am getting hooked into photography . In fact i created a site for it , so i can post all the pictures that i like to share to everybody . And you might want to take a peek to that site i have , it 's Photography Is My Hobby . . . Anyway , i again , changed my profile picture and this is my very recent self portrait . I took this yesterday , i attended a birthday party of a friend that is dear to me . We celebrated her birthday in a very simple way , yet it was a blast for her and we all enjoyed the night . Indeed a very memorable moment for her and for her dear friends who came , including me . She is a friend that is worth to keep in someone 's heart for she has a good heart just like my other dear friends . Photography is one hobby that i am currently hooked up on to . But i am still in the process of learning a lot of things from this hobby and i am just so amazed whenever i see a lot of excellent photographs taken by those professional photographers . I myself wants to be a professional too , and i know that i will get there , i just have to enroll to a photography class . Anyway , i am talking about photography because i saw this aerial photography that caught my attention . How amazing it is to have such a great shots like these . Very impressive photographs that i sometimes wonder if i can do it myself . They must have a good photography equipments to take some awesome shots such as aerial cinematography and also the aerial videography . I have been watching in the television on how to take shots like this , but for now , i just have to be contented to what i can , i am a dreamer and i want all my dreams to come true . And there is nothing impossible to a person to dream and works for his dream as well . What a small world indeed ! A friend of mine for a long time is happen to be the best friend of my other friend . I did not know it until the first friend told me about her good friend that i found she is also my friend ! Goodness , what a crazy world it is ! Anyway , that 's why i found out that the person that my friend was talking about is also my friend because she mentioned that this girl is going to Israel because she is going to take the summer programs in israel which she has been dreaming to go to that place . And now that she finally got her dream come true , i am sure that she is feeling like is in the cloud nine right at this moment . Her flight will be this coming Friday and she is just so anxious , she packed her things long time ago already and looking forward for a good future that will bring her being in that place . She applied for an internships in israel and luckily she got qualified and now getting ready for it . Me and my friend which happens to be her friend as well , are just so happy for her success . I know that she will do good in there , and israel internships will take her to the top and bring her good future ahead . There are a lot of top rated diet pills in the market , but getting right one for you is not as easy as what you think it is . Some of them might have a bad effects especially those who are planning to get pregnant or is pregnant . Obviously pregnant women should not take any pills that may cause harm to the baby inside the womb . Diet pills should be taken when you are not pregnant or not undergoing any medication for some health problems . Diet pills might give you progress but it also can give you side effects from taking it , so make sure to choose the best and right one for you . The kids are growing so fast and i can 't stop them ! Goodness , i was viewing last night all the photos of my kids when they were just babies and it made me realize that they are indeed growing , where did those time go ? Time flies indeed ! And this coming spring time and summer , i must say that they want to be out more often for they have been stuck inside the house all winter long . I hibernated myself and so are they , they cannot go outside without me watching them or their daddy . I am planning to get an above ground pools to put it in our backyard this coming summertime . The one that my oldest son has before is now tearing apart . So for them to enjoy our backyard more , getting a mini pool is just perfect . And i don 't have to worry about it when winter comes again because there is cover for it . It is neat though , it 's like a car that has cover and worry not about it when the snow pours so hard . Name all the aches and pains in the world , i have it ! Head that is burning and aching so bad , runny nose , sneezing endlessly , throat that is so dry and scratchy , sore muscles , and feels like i am going to have fever . I don 't like getting sick for i know that even though i am sick , i am the only one that will do everything here inside the house , attending the kids and the never ending chores . I want to get some rest , or maybe a full rest so i can recover quick , but i guess i can 't get it knowing kids are all over the place , wherever i go they always follow me , the are like my tail , they can 't just go somewhere and play . I wish Philippines is just an hour drive so i can just hop in the car and take off and get some help from family . In times like this , it makes me feel homesick because i wanted to be just by myself and get the full rest i want . Getting sick is no good at all because like what i said , no one can take my place and do all the things that i do here everyday . When taking some medicines , vitamins and supplements , it really is necessary to read the labels or the reviews about the certain pills for you to learn more about it that you are going to take . Such like this phentermine reviews , if you happen to hear about this pills , you 've got to read this reviews because there are some side effects of it , it can be addicted and people should be warned about this thing for it is not good when you start taking it and will get addicted to it . Personally , i am not currently taking anything , and that is what i am afraid of , to take something and might be hard for me to get it off in my system . That 's why i am very careful when it comes to matter like this . I am a little scared and i worry about the effects of these pills too . Elder people starts to experience some problems , such as being forgetful , some body pains and other things . Memory gap is the most common problem of the elders , and having a human growth hormone is not a big problem nowadays for aging people because there is already a supplement for it that will help them maintain their memory sharp and maintain to be a youthful active physically . I should have known it then so to keep my mother active , it makes me feel so sad whenever she is telling me about her body pains . She should have taken this kind supplement long time ago to prevent her body from aging fast . But i guess it is not too late yet to do it , i would love to see my mother happy and active again like she was before . Once again i am happy that i was able to talk to my mother online yesterday . The kids and i made her happy somehow even though we are far apart from her . We talked a lot of things , and ended up talking about she is having a hair fall . She asked me if i could send her a best hair loss products that will treat her problem . She is a little scared about it because she is now seeing her scalp due to her hair fall problem . So i told her not to worry for i know the best one that is been using my brother in law and will get some for her to send . I will include it to my list so i can put it in the box that i am about to send it to her soon . I hope that the said product will work on her just as what is supposed to do . Of all the diet pills that you are considering , you might be asking yourself which one of the weight loss pill that works really ? It is sometimes hard to choose the best one that will work just as perfect that you wanted it to be , there are times that you have try to all of the pills that you heard that they work good for you to testify which one is really best for you . I have never tried to take some pills yet , but if it 's in case i will , i have to make sure that i will read all the reviews for me to learn what will be the good effect and side effects from taking it . But since i don 't want to take pills as of now , i would just like to advice that you really need to read the reviews of the certain pills that you are going to take . It has been awhile since i last updated this blog of mine . It 's not that i am lazy though , i just can 't find perfect topic to talk about and can 't seem to find good words either . Anyway , i was going to ask you guys how was your valentines date with your partners go ? Ours , like usual , hubby and i dated with our kids and it was a little late because the little one was not feeling so good and until he still cranky and sick . Whimpering in his sleep and whining when he 's awake , doesn 't me to put him down and wanted to be held all the time . But hubby and i were glad that we were able to dine out last night . We both decided to go to Canyon since we 've never been there for how many years now . We went straight to home depot first to get the things that we need for the house and stopped by at the mall to get the valentines gift for me . I was going to get the white bracelet but hubby told me that this watch below fits on me right , it looks good on my wrist rather than the white bracelet . So since it was hubby 's suggesting it , i got this one instead of the white bracelet . I love it really , and it is very special for me because it was hubby who chose it for me . He bought me a digital watch six years ago and until now it 's still working . I take care of everything really well especially if hubby is the one 's giving it . After we got the watch , we headed to the pizza house where they have the most famous pizza for it is being baked through the firewoods and not through the oven . It was a very memorable valentines dinner date with my husband and our kids . Another unforgettable moment to treasure . When i went home to visit my family , i noticed that every time i go to an internet shop , they have those acer desktops . It 's probably because they are not as expensive like the other brands , yet it is reliable and has good quality kind of computer . It is also a wise thinking to have it as a business computers because it is lesser compared to the known branded computers but it 's almost as good as branded ones . My brother has it too when he bought his new computer , he said it is being practical to have something like what he has because he doesn 't really go for expensive computers . The security cameras is really a big help for the stores . And i should say that every home should have at least one too , especially to those who are hiring baby sitters . You really cannot trust a stranger unless it 's your family or relatives that are taking care of your baby . So having a camera in your house is one way to prevent abuse from your child while you are away . I mention this because i saw a movie about the spy camera that a guy created mainly for house , so while they are gone , he turns on the hidden camera for them to see what 's going while they are away from their house . Which i think a clever idea , don 't you think ? When i got here in America six years ago , my husband bought me a dual time watch for me to figure out what time it would be in my country and at the same time i will see the time here as well . I was a little confused then so having a dual time watch is just easy for me learn the time easy . And until now i still have the watch , the battery has been replaced but the watch itself still looks good even though it is old already . It also still works just as good and what i like most about it is , it has a glow light so i can easily see the time during at night . But since that this watch of mine served for a long time , i guess it 's just about time to treat myself with my little income here through blogging and buy a new watch for me . I have been eyeing this fossil white bracelet watch . I just love how it looks and even though it doesn 't have light ( i guess ) , still this is the one that i am planning to get for myself . My birthday is fast approaching and this watch will be considered as gift for myself for turning thirty years of existence in this world . I already told hubby about my plan on buying myself a new watch and he said that it is a good idea and indeed , it 's about time to replace my ever first watch that i got since i stepped my feet here in America . I would say that i am not even halfway done of shopping for my box to send to my mother . I promised her to send this box which has a lot of good things that she can use and the rest of my family . I also put the Cherokee scrubs for my niece that is now working in the hospital as a nurse . My family and i are so proud of her because for the first time , we have a nurse in the family , finally ! ! ! I used to dream to be a nurse someday , but that someday did not come , it did not happen . But ! I am happy to know that one of my niece made it ! So now , instead of wearing scrubs myself , i ended buying it for my niece for her to wear it . " Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent . " - Eleanor Roosevelt - " A pure blooded southern Filipina with principles , well mannered and well disciplined . Was born and raised in Philippines and currently living in United States with her small yet happy family . She is well taken cared by her loving dear husband . A proud mother of two boys . A very friendly person but can be evil once provoked . "
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It 's been in the making for over two years . The pattern is Bonnie Hunter 's Ohio Stars and Rails . I started piecing the blocks in June of 2008 . I put them away because I wanted a king or queen sized top and didn 't know if I wanted to make more blocks or just add lots of borders . Then I realized I had extra star blocks and not enough rail blocks . So I made more rail blocks and then had too many of them . That gave me the idea of adding an extra border all the way around using the rail blocks . I finished piecing it in April or May . Then I set it aside again . I laid it out one day last week and put on my to do list . Yep , the stars and rails quilt . I used straight line quilting on the diagonal . Now , it looks like I have quilted big squares . I have decided the quilting is still a little bit too far apart so I am probably going to quilt diagonally through the squares . Remember back before we went on the cruise and I had an allergic reaction to the aloe vera lotion I used . I thought it was probably the lidocaine in it . Well , that is what they gave me to numb my throat and nose . And . . . You 've got it ! My rash is back . Maybe hives . Now , I guess I know for sure I am probably allergic to lidocaine . So , now I 'm glad the clinic doctor gave me extra refills even though I never thought I would use them . It 's back to the pharmacy tomorrow to get refills . I 'm taking benadryl tonight . Maybe I 'll get lucky and that will do the trick . Happy snipping , stitching , and quilting ! Well , I 've spent part of the last two days here . This place is huge - - to a small town girl . I had a scheduled appointment for breathing problems ( that started 10 years ago ) that just keep getting worse . We 've checked for asthma , sinus problems , and allergies and while I do have sinus problems and allergies I still did not think that was the root of my problems . I went to my local primary care physician in May and told him that I 've had enough and want to get to the bottom of this . So he referred my to the UA Med Center in Little Rock . ( The top hospital in Arkansas . ) I called in May and was not able to get in until July 29 . I went in Thursday morning and had Pulmonary Function Test ( breathing test ) . Then I went to meet the specialist at 1 p . m . He was at a loss and decided we needed to do a Bronchoscopy ( which is what my primary care physician also suggested to me ) . Well , surprisingly he said he could do it Friday morning or we would have to wait over two weeks . So we stayed in Little Rock overnight and I had the Bronchoscopy test today . They run a light scope through the nose and down the trachea and look at everything for obstructions . The plan was to check and if anything was found that was immediately easily fixable would be fixed and / or if they found something that needed biopsied they would do that at the same time . I was not put under but was numbed and heavily sedated . They did find some obstruction and actually showed it to me . All I remember is them telling me to look . They did not do a biopsy so I do not believe it is anything bad . It looks to be a build up of scar tissue . The reason they did not do anything today is that it is close to my voice box so the surgeon is going to study the pictures and consult with the ear , nose , and throat doctors there at UAMS . They will then decide who will do the surgery . They are going to call me in a couple of days to schedule surgery in the next couple of weeks . Hopefully before school starts . I was very impressed with the doctor and the nurses who cared for me . Very professional but with a sense of humor . I am just so thrilled they found something and it can be fixed and I will be able to breath again without problems . I hope I will even be able to jog for a mile . That is my goal . The nurses said I had to rest today - - no heavy lifting , no driving . So . . . Larry said I couldn 't drive my sewing machine either . Boy , sitting around makes you tired . I text Larry today and said , " Alleluia , I have just finished my last science and social studies units . " Rough drafts that will need adjusted as I teach , but that will be pretty simple as the year goes by . What a relief . Now , I can forget about school stuff until next Monday . Nope - - workshop on Friday . I finished my 7th " Tree " block so I am all caught up . I have both of my chair covers made . The second one is royal blue . I took a picture but it looks like a slate blue . Not sure what happened to the color in the picture so I didn 't post it . Too late at night to even think about going to take another picture . I also finished the " Kollyn " quilt . I added a little more quilting since I took this picture . Now , I have three baby quilts to deliver . I haven 't seen the oldest since March so I know he 's grown . I haven 't been introduced to the other two , yet . So , I think Larry and I will just call the parents and schedule a short visit at each house so we can get our " baby fix " . Larry spray painted the rocking chair white so I 'll need to post a picture of it . Doctor 's appointment in Little Rock tomorrow . That trip will take up the whole day . Workshop on Friday at school . Busy , busy , busy . Goals for this weekend are to add some quilting to a Christmas quilt I made last fall . Sandwich my " Ohio Stars and Rail Quilt " and start quilting it . Oh , I still have to piece a backing for it . Usually by this time my room is almost ready and I am doing all I can to take the week before school off . Not this year . The doors are chained ( doing floors ) so we , overzealous teachers , cannot get in and mess up their work . It is not supposed to be re - opened until next Monday . That gives all of us Monday , Tuesday , and Wednesday to get our rooms ready before in - service begins on Thursday of next week . And , I have a mentoring workshop ( I will be mentoring a new teacher this year ) on Wednesday . So , I have Monday and Tuesday to get my room ready . I guess I had better start planning the layout on paper . Where did the summer go ? I only have one more block to go to be caught up and it is halfway completed . The trunk is sewn on and I only have to add leaves . I am telling you this in order to make myself go down and finish it sometime today . I 'm not sure if Molly is going to give us ideas for finishing the quilt . So , I am trying to come up with some ideas of my own . The blocks will be 9 1 / 2 inches and I want to do something pieced . My beds are all queen size so I want it large . I thought about 2 or 3 inch squares of Christmas fabric for the sashing but am not sure how it would look . I have too much Christmas fabrics in fun Novelty fabrics ( all colors ) that I need to use . If anyone have any ideas for the sashing and the borders , I 'd love to hear them . I know , I know . I didn 't ( don 't ) need to start anything new until I finish the 5 or 6 things I already have started . But , I just couldn 't help it . You see , as the year goes on , I bookmark web pages and put then in a folder called " Christmas Projects " . For some reason , late yesterday afternoon , I started browsing through this file . ( Not a good idea when I 'm wanting to complete projects already started . ) And , I came upon this website . Molly 's Place I remember bookmarking the page when Molly first announced the block of the month and then I forgot all about it . She is currently designing block 8 so I was only 7 blocks behind . But , these are so cute and fast and fun that I sat down and completed 4 of them last night . ( The buttons aren 't sewn on yet . ) Molly is doing all of her embroidery by hand but I am using the machine . That is what is making it go quickly for me . Yesterday , I told you that I was ready to sit down and sew . I was home alone and had no one to interrupt me except myself . Wrong . I had just sat down to begin working and my phone rang . It was Kelsey . I knew something was up because she was using her boyfriend 's phone . Well , she ( with help from her boyfriend ) locked her keys in her car . At least she was at her home . I had to go find the extra key we keep and drive about an hour ( really only 4 or 5 miles ) to take her the key . I teased her that I had just blogged that there was no one around to interrupt me . She thought that was funny . I had planned to piece the back for my boy baby quilt ( I really do need to finish it this next week ) . But , I didn 't have enough of the fabric I wanted to use even when piecing two or three colors . So , I am going to get something else to use . That will be on hold for a couple of days . The next project I needed to work on was the recovering of the cushions for the rocker I purchased for my classroom . Here is what it looked like . " Isn 't It Lovely ? " This is one of those purchases where Craig looked at me and said " WHY " . ( I only paid $ 30 for it , which according to Craig was $ 30 too much . Here it is now . Nice and cheery , just what a 3rd grade classroom needs . Wouldn 't you have loved to be able to sit down and read in this rocking chair when you were in elem school ? I have been trying to decide whether to sand it a little and add a few coats of varnish or to paint it white . I think I have definitely decided to paint it white . I already have a white chair in my classroom . The seat is currently covered in ocean animal print ( which was my theme last year ) . So , I am going to recover it with this same plaid fabric . I actually had two of them given to me to use in the classroom . They both are stained and have small holes in them . I do not have enough plaid fabric to cover both of them , so one will be plaid and one will be royal blue . I actually used two layers of fabric to make it stronger . I now need to make a casing and insert some kind of string . I 'll just have to pull it tight and then loosen it and remove the covers when they need washed . A little bit wrinkly but should look right when I get it gathered and tied . Hopefully , I 'll finish these two little projects tomorrow or Sunday and then get back in " quilting mode " . It 's about time to start thinking about Christmas ( quilt ) gifts . Well , it 's 6 : 15 and I am just heading down to the sewing room to get started . Hope to have a lot to show tomorrow . I 'm home alone so I won 't have any interruptions ( except my own ) , and sometimes that 's a lot . I have decided to participate in the Friday Night Sew In . I need something to get me going . I know when I participated in Judy L 's weekend quilt - a - thons I got a lot accomplished . If you are interested and want to sew along with us go to Handmade by Heide for more information . Now , I am going to sit down and plan ahead what I want to work on that night . I cut out squares and half square triangles from red , white , and blue fabric . I instructed each of the students to lay out the squares and triangles to make a larger 9 inch square . Then each student took a turn sewing their blocks together using my daughters small sewing machine . The teacher 's aide for the school then stitched the blocks together . I sandwiched it and took my portable quilting frame to school and taught the students to hand quilt . I kept the quilt at school on my bench seat for 5 or 6 years . I took it home to wash a couple of times a year . Oh my ! As I look back I must laugh because most of the stitches are huge . It has been washed a number of times and part of the stitches have come out . Right now it needs washed badly . So I am thinking of contacting a couple of the girls from the class ( they graduated from high school this year ) to see if one of them might want it . If not , I 'll keep it . The question is . . . Would you just tie the loose ends and wash it ? Or would you go ahead and machine stitch in the ditch after tying the loose ends . I 'm afraid if I don 't machine quilt it , all of the quilting will fall out . Then after I used it on the quilt , quilted , and then washed the quilt , some of the blue is still there . I really think it stained or dyed my white quilting thread blue . It 's not too bad but I can tell it 's there . I tried shout but that didn 't get it all . I read on a blog ( can 't remember whose ) to use green dish detergent mixed with something . Unfortunately , I can 't remember what that something was . So tomorrow I am going to try green dish soap . I 'll let you know how it goes . Happy snipping , stitching , and quilting ! During my trip last week , I was able to stop at a few quilt shops in Mountain Home . I picked up a few new products to try . One of them was the Clover Chaco Liner Pen . It is used to mark stencils . It comes in several colors . I got blue . It is a chalk , but is powder and works like a pen . I tried it tonight and it worked great . So , if any of you out there are looking for something to mark quilting stencils , you might want to try it . We had a wonderful trip with a lot of rest and relaxation . After we moved on from Searcy , we stayed at the White Buffalo Resort . It sounds extravagant , but it wasn 't . Nice , but not extravagant . See here for more information on our trip . I think a week is about the longest I have ever been away from home . This summer , I have been away for a week on two different occasions . This is great but I also feel school is about to start and I haven 't accomplished much this summer . I had the pleasure of meeting Pat of Bird 's Nest on the Ground yesterday afternoon . She has a lovely studio which she showed us here . Everything was so neat and she seems to have a place for everything . ( I actually took my camera along and never got it out . Too busy talking . ) I was dazzled by her quilts . She does a lot of applique quilts but in a variety of different styles . One can see that she draws ideas from her quilts from a variety of sources . . . TV shows , such as " Little House on the Prairie " , children 's books , memories of friends , life in general . My favorite was an exquisite embellished " crazy quilt " that I could have looked at all day . I hope she will post about it one day . ( Then I can have another look at it . ) I was especially fascinated by the " writing on quilts " that she does and the fabulous labels she puts on the back of all of her quilts . Pat graced me with a lovely gift . some trinkets I plan to use on a mini " crazy quilt " and a wonderful book she made - - " Writing on Fabric " . I can 't wait to sit down and read it in its entirety . As I thumbed through it , this quote caught my eye . ( I love to sing , but it isn 't pretty . ) I hope to be able to visit with Pat again sometime . It is so great that with email so many of us can keep in touch . Pat , thank you for being such a great hostess and for showing me how " writing on fabric " can enhance a quilt and how very important labels are to a quilt . You are an inspiration to me . We love to stay at State Parks or Corp of Engineer parks when we take the 5th wheel out . But , when looking for a place to stay in Searcy , our choices were limited . I wanted to be close to town and Harding College because I didn 't want to have to drive very far to and from my workshops . So we are staying at the Whitney Lane RV Park ( only one of two to choose from ) . It is wall - to - wall rv 's . A few shade trees but not really big enough to help . Of course , we are staying cool in the RV and it 's really too hot to sit outside anyway . Although I was able to take a short walk last night and it really was pleasant outside at 8 p . m . We will be moving on to Mountain Home on Friday afternoon . I think the place we are staying is more like a state park and hope we will have room to move around between RV 's , and shade , so we can enjoy the outdoors . I did have time to go visit with Pat of Birds Nest on the Ground at her home and lovely sewing studio yesterday afternoon . I can 't wait to sit down and share the visit with all of you . Thanks , Pat . I had a lovely visit and you are truly a talented , creative quilter and designer . Hi Craig , Kelsey , Becca , and Ismael . I sure do miss you guys . On my way to workshops again today . Talk to you later . I have a " Lit Lab Workshop " ( teaching reading to kids ) in Searcy on Wednesday , Thursday , and Friday of this week . Usually a friend that is enrolled in the class goes with me . This time she is on vacation and will be going at the end of the month . I can 't go then because of a doctor 's appointment . So yesterday , I am shopped for food and piddled in the rv . I always clean it very well before we pack up to come home . So . . . when I get home from a trip I don 't have to do anything and before we get ready to leave again , I usually only have to sweep up the dead bugs that somehow accumulate there . Ready to travel . We took out the bench buffet seat and purchased a small table with 2 folding ends . So we lay it down to travel and it doesn 't budge since it is on the carpet . We also took out the small hide a bed sofa and put in two chairs and Ottomans from Big Lots . Much more comfy for my husband and I . We will be in Searcy from Tuesday to Friday and then in Mountain Home from Friday to Monday . We don 't have a lot planned in Mountain Home . Just going to go with the flow and see what is happening there . I do know there are 2 of 3 quilt shops in the area and I will be visiting them . Still have the " Kollyn " quilt laid out . It is now all embroidered and ready to sew together . It 's going to have to wait until next week when we get back from our trip . ( More about that later . ) Judy L . is once again hosting " Design Wall Monday " . Be sure to stop by and visit the other blogs and leave a comment . It 's so much fun to receive comments . Both of my children have a baby quilt made by my mom that they used , carried around , and slobbered all over . I washed them and washed them and they still have them . Hmmm . I wonder where they are . I think Craig 's is in his closet . But , I 'm not sure about Kelsey 's . I 'll have to ask her tomorrow if she has it or if I need to find it for her . I have family coming Sunday for a 4th of July cookout so I spent part of the day picking up , part of the day working on school stuff , and then made it to the sewing room . But , I felt off kilter all day and decided I wanted to do something . So . . . I don 't usually go to see movies very often but tonight I splurged and took myself out to see " Eclipse " . Larry is working and I know that wouldn 't be his choice of movies . So I didn 't feel bad about going without him . There is a new Julia Roberts movie coming out , " Eat , Pray , Love " . That is definitely a chick flick and I will go see it without Larry or wait for it to be out on DVD or TV . The other movie trailer showed was " Red " with Bruce Willis . Now that could be a date night movie . It is an action film and Larry would like it . Talk to you tomorrow . . . I am a Christian , wife , mother , and teacher living in a rural town in Arkansas . My hobbies outside of teaching school include reading and quilting . I have a son , Craig , who is 27 with a degree in graphic design . He is married to the beautiful , kind , Becca . My daughter , Kelsey , is 25 and a nurse . She is married to Zak , who has a sweet 9 year old , Aiden . They also have a newborn , Paxton . My wonderful husband , Larry , is a Paramedic by trade and my best friend .
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It 's been in the making for over two years . The pattern is Bonnie Hunter 's Ohio Stars and Rails . I started piecing the blocks in June of 2008 . I put them away because I wanted a king or queen sized top and didn 't know if I wanted to make more blocks or just add lots of borders . Then I realized I had extra star blocks and not enough rail blocks . So I made more rail blocks and then had too many of them . That gave me the idea of adding an extra border all the way around using the rail blocks . I finished piecing it in April or May . Then I set it aside again . I laid it out one day last week and put on my to do list . Yep , the stars and rails quilt . I used straight line quilting on the diagonal . Now , it looks like I have quilted big squares . I have decided the quilting is still a little bit too far apart so I am probably going to quilt diagonally through the squares . Remember back before we went on the cruise and I had an allergic reaction to the aloe vera lotion I used . I thought it was probably the lidocaine in it . Well , that is what they gave me to numb my throat and nose . And . . . You 've got it ! My rash is back . Maybe hives . Now , I guess I know for sure I am probably allergic to lidocaine . So , now I 'm glad the clinic doctor gave me extra refills even though I never thought I would use them . It 's back to the pharmacy tomorrow to get refills . I 'm taking benadryl tonight . Maybe I 'll get lucky and that will do the trick . Happy snipping , stitching , and quilting ! Well , I 've spent part of the last two days here . This place is huge - - to a small town girl . I had a scheduled appointment for breathing problems ( that started 10 years ago ) that just keep getting worse . We 've checked for asthma , sinus problems , and allergies and while I do have sinus problems and allergies I still did not think that was the root of my problems . I went to my local primary care physician in May and told him that I 've had enough and want to get to the bottom of this . So he referred my to the UA Med Center in Little Rock . ( The top hospital in Arkansas . ) I called in May and was not able to get in until July 29 . I went in Thursday morning and had Pulmonary Function Test ( breathing test ) . Then I went to meet the specialist at 1 p . m . He was at a loss and decided we needed to do a Bronchoscopy ( which is what my primary care physician also suggested to me ) . Well , surprisingly he said he could do it Friday morning or we would have to wait over two weeks . So we stayed in Little Rock overnight and I had the Bronchoscopy test today . They run a light scope through the nose and down the trachea and look at everything for obstructions . The plan was to check and if anything was found that was immediately easily fixable would be fixed and / or if they found something that needed biopsied they would do that at the same time . I was not put under but was numbed and heavily sedated . They did find some obstruction and actually showed it to me . All I remember is them telling me to look . They did not do a biopsy so I do not believe it is anything bad . It looks to be a build up of scar tissue . The reason they did not do anything today is that it is close to my voice box so the surgeon is going to study the pictures and consult with the ear , nose , and throat doctors there at UAMS . They will then decide who will do the surgery . They are going to call me in a couple of days to schedule surgery in the next couple of weeks . Hopefully before school starts . I was very impressed with the doctor and the nurses who cared for me . Very professional but with a sense of humor . I am just so thrilled they found something and it can be fixed and I will be able to breath again without problems . I hope I will even be able to jog for a mile . That is my goal . The nurses said I had to rest today - - no heavy lifting , no driving . So . . . Larry said I couldn 't drive my sewing machine either . Boy , sitting around makes you tired . I text Larry today and said , " Alleluia , I have just finished my last science and social studies units . " Rough drafts that will need adjusted as I teach , but that will be pretty simple as the year goes by . What a relief . Now , I can forget about school stuff until next Monday . Nope - - workshop on Friday . I finished my 7th " Tree " block so I am all caught up . I have both of my chair covers made . The second one is royal blue . I took a picture but it looks like a slate blue . Not sure what happened to the color in the picture so I didn 't post it . Too late at night to even think about going to take another picture . I also finished the " Kollyn " quilt . I added a little more quilting since I took this picture . Now , I have three baby quilts to deliver . I haven 't seen the oldest since March so I know he 's grown . I haven 't been introduced to the other two , yet . So , I think Larry and I will just call the parents and schedule a short visit at each house so we can get our " baby fix " . Larry spray painted the rocking chair white so I 'll need to post a picture of it . Doctor 's appointment in Little Rock tomorrow . That trip will take up the whole day . Workshop on Friday at school . Busy , busy , busy . Goals for this weekend are to add some quilting to a Christmas quilt I made last fall . Sandwich my " Ohio Stars and Rail Quilt " and start quilting it . Oh , I still have to piece a backing for it . Usually by this time my room is almost ready and I am doing all I can to take the week before school off . Not this year . The doors are chained ( doing floors ) so we , overzealous teachers , cannot get in and mess up their work . It is not supposed to be re - opened until next Monday . That gives all of us Monday , Tuesday , and Wednesday to get our rooms ready before in - service begins on Thursday of next week . And , I have a mentoring workshop ( I will be mentoring a new teacher this year ) on Wednesday . So , I have Monday and Tuesday to get my room ready . I guess I had better start planning the layout on paper . Where did the summer go ? I only have one more block to go to be caught up and it is halfway completed . The trunk is sewn on and I only have to add leaves . I am telling you this in order to make myself go down and finish it sometime today . I 'm not sure if Molly is going to give us ideas for finishing the quilt . So , I am trying to come up with some ideas of my own . The blocks will be 9 1 / 2 inches and I want to do something pieced . My beds are all queen size so I want it large . I thought about 2 or 3 inch squares of Christmas fabric for the sashing but am not sure how it would look . I have too much Christmas fabrics in fun Novelty fabrics ( all colors ) that I need to use . If anyone have any ideas for the sashing and the borders , I 'd love to hear them . I know , I know . I didn 't ( don 't ) need to start anything new until I finish the 5 or 6 things I already have started . But , I just couldn 't help it . You see , as the year goes on , I bookmark web pages and put then in a folder called " Christmas Projects " . For some reason , late yesterday afternoon , I started browsing through this file . ( Not a good idea when I 'm wanting to complete projects already started . ) And , I came upon this website . Molly 's Place I remember bookmarking the page when Molly first announced the block of the month and then I forgot all about it . She is currently designing block 8 so I was only 7 blocks behind . But , these are so cute and fast and fun that I sat down and completed 4 of them last night . ( The buttons aren 't sewn on yet . ) Molly is doing all of her embroidery by hand but I am using the machine . That is what is making it go quickly for me . Yesterday , I told you that I was ready to sit down and sew . I was home alone and had no one to interrupt me except myself . Wrong . I had just sat down to begin working and my phone rang . It was Kelsey . I knew something was up because she was using her boyfriend 's phone . Well , she ( with help from her boyfriend ) locked her keys in her car . At least she was at her home . I had to go find the extra key we keep and drive about an hour ( really only 4 or 5 miles ) to take her the key . I teased her that I had just blogged that there was no one around to interrupt me . She thought that was funny . I had planned to piece the back for my boy baby quilt ( I really do need to finish it this next week ) . But , I didn 't have enough of the fabric I wanted to use even when piecing two or three colors . So , I am going to get something else to use . That will be on hold for a couple of days . The next project I needed to work on was the recovering of the cushions for the rocker I purchased for my classroom . Here is what it looked like . " Isn 't It Lovely ? " This is one of those purchases where Craig looked at me and said " WHY " . ( I only paid $ 30 for it , which according to Craig was $ 30 too much . Here it is now . Nice and cheery , just what a 3rd grade classroom needs . Wouldn 't you have loved to be able to sit down and read in this rocking chair when you were in elem school ? I have been trying to decide whether to sand it a little and add a few coats of varnish or to paint it white . I think I have definitely decided to paint it white . I already have a white chair in my classroom . The seat is currently covered in ocean animal print ( which was my theme last year ) . So , I am going to recover it with this same plaid fabric . I actually had two of them given to me to use in the classroom . They both are stained and have small holes in them . I do not have enough plaid fabric to cover both of them , so one will be plaid and one will be royal blue . I actually used two layers of fabric to make it stronger . I now need to make a casing and insert some kind of string . I 'll just have to pull it tight and then loosen it and remove the covers when they need washed . A little bit wrinkly but should look right when I get it gathered and tied . Hopefully , I 'll finish these two little projects tomorrow or Sunday and then get back in " quilting mode " . It 's about time to start thinking about Christmas ( quilt ) gifts . Well , it 's 6 : 15 and I am just heading down to the sewing room to get started . Hope to have a lot to show tomorrow . I 'm home alone so I won 't have any interruptions ( except my own ) , and sometimes that 's a lot . I have decided to participate in the Friday Night Sew In . I need something to get me going . I know when I participated in Judy L 's weekend quilt - a - thons I got a lot accomplished . If you are interested and want to sew along with us go to Handmade by Heide for more information . Now , I am going to sit down and plan ahead what I want to work on that night . I cut out squares and half square triangles from red , white , and blue fabric . I instructed each of the students to lay out the squares and triangles to make a larger 9 inch square . Then each student took a turn sewing their blocks together using my daughters small sewing machine . The teacher 's aide for the school then stitched the blocks together . I sandwiched it and took my portable quilting frame to school and taught the students to hand quilt . I kept the quilt at school on my bench seat for 5 or 6 years . I took it home to wash a couple of times a year . Oh my ! As I look back I must laugh because most of the stitches are huge . It has been washed a number of times and part of the stitches have come out . Right now it needs washed badly . So I am thinking of contacting a couple of the girls from the class ( they graduated from high school this year ) to see if one of them might want it . If not , I 'll keep it . The question is . . . Would you just tie the loose ends and wash it ? Or would you go ahead and machine stitch in the ditch after tying the loose ends . I 'm afraid if I don 't machine quilt it , all of the quilting will fall out . Then after I used it on the quilt , quilted , and then washed the quilt , some of the blue is still there . I really think it stained or dyed my white quilting thread blue . It 's not too bad but I can tell it 's there . I tried shout but that didn 't get it all . I read on a blog ( can 't remember whose ) to use green dish detergent mixed with something . Unfortunately , I can 't remember what that something was . So tomorrow I am going to try green dish soap . I 'll let you know how it goes . Happy snipping , stitching , and quilting ! During my trip last week , I was able to stop at a few quilt shops in Mountain Home . I picked up a few new products to try . One of them was the Clover Chaco Liner Pen . It is used to mark stencils . It comes in several colors . I got blue . It is a chalk , but is powder and works like a pen . I tried it tonight and it worked great . So , if any of you out there are looking for something to mark quilting stencils , you might want to try it . We had a wonderful trip with a lot of rest and relaxation . After we moved on from Searcy , we stayed at the White Buffalo Resort . It sounds extravagant , but it wasn 't . Nice , but not extravagant . See here for more information on our trip . I think a week is about the longest I have ever been away from home . This summer , I have been away for a week on two different occasions . This is great but I also feel school is about to start and I haven 't accomplished much this summer . I had the pleasure of meeting Pat of Bird 's Nest on the Ground yesterday afternoon . She has a lovely studio which she showed us here . Everything was so neat and she seems to have a place for everything . ( I actually took my camera along and never got it out . Too busy talking . ) I was dazzled by her quilts . She does a lot of applique quilts but in a variety of different styles . One can see that she draws ideas from her quilts from a variety of sources . . . TV shows , such as " Little House on the Prairie " , children 's books , memories of friends , life in general . My favorite was an exquisite embellished " crazy quilt " that I could have looked at all day . I hope she will post about it one day . ( Then I can have another look at it . ) I was especially fascinated by the " writing on quilts " that she does and the fabulous labels she puts on the back of all of her quilts . Pat graced me with a lovely gift . some trinkets I plan to use on a mini " crazy quilt " and a wonderful book she made - - " Writing on Fabric " . I can 't wait to sit down and read it in its entirety . As I thumbed through it , this quote caught my eye . ( I love to sing , but it isn 't pretty . ) I hope to be able to visit with Pat again sometime . It is so great that with email so many of us can keep in touch . Pat , thank you for being such a great hostess and for showing me how " writing on fabric " can enhance a quilt and how very important labels are to a quilt . You are an inspiration to me . We love to stay at State Parks or Corp of Engineer parks when we take the 5th wheel out . But , when looking for a place to stay in Searcy , our choices were limited . I wanted to be close to town and Harding College because I didn 't want to have to drive very far to and from my workshops . So we are staying at the Whitney Lane RV Park ( only one of two to choose from ) . It is wall - to - wall rv 's . A few shade trees but not really big enough to help . Of course , we are staying cool in the RV and it 's really too hot to sit outside anyway . Although I was able to take a short walk last night and it really was pleasant outside at 8 p . m . We will be moving on to Mountain Home on Friday afternoon . I think the place we are staying is more like a state park and hope we will have room to move around between RV 's , and shade , so we can enjoy the outdoors . I did have time to go visit with Pat of Birds Nest on the Ground at her home and lovely sewing studio yesterday afternoon . I can 't wait to sit down and share the visit with all of you . Thanks , Pat . I had a lovely visit and you are truly a talented , creative quilter and designer . Hi Craig , Kelsey , Becca , and Ismael . I sure do miss you guys . On my way to workshops again today . Talk to you later . I have a " Lit Lab Workshop " ( teaching reading to kids ) in Searcy on Wednesday , Thursday , and Friday of this week . Usually a friend that is enrolled in the class goes with me . This time she is on vacation and will be going at the end of the month . I can 't go then because of a doctor 's appointment . So yesterday , I am shopped for food and piddled in the rv . I always clean it very well before we pack up to come home . So . . . when I get home from a trip I don 't have to do anything and before we get ready to leave again , I usually only have to sweep up the dead bugs that somehow accumulate there . Ready to travel . We took out the bench buffet seat and purchased a small table with 2 folding ends . So we lay it down to travel and it doesn 't budge since it is on the carpet . We also took out the small hide a bed sofa and put in two chairs and Ottomans from Big Lots . Much more comfy for my husband and I . We will be in Searcy from Tuesday to Friday and then in Mountain Home from Friday to Monday . We don 't have a lot planned in Mountain Home . Just going to go with the flow and see what is happening there . I do know there are 2 of 3 quilt shops in the area and I will be visiting them . Still have the " Kollyn " quilt laid out . It is now all embroidered and ready to sew together . It 's going to have to wait until next week when we get back from our trip . ( More about that later . ) Judy L . is once again hosting " Design Wall Monday " . Be sure to stop by and visit the other blogs and leave a comment . It 's so much fun to receive comments . Both of my children have a baby quilt made by my mom that they used , carried around , and slobbered all over . I washed them and washed them and they still have them . Hmmm . I wonder where they are . I think Craig 's is in his closet . But , I 'm not sure about Kelsey 's . I 'll have to ask her tomorrow if she has it or if I need to find it for her . I have family coming Sunday for a 4th of July cookout so I spent part of the day picking up , part of the day working on school stuff , and then made it to the sewing room . But , I felt off kilter all day and decided I wanted to do something . So . . . I don 't usually go to see movies very often but tonight I splurged and took myself out to see " Eclipse " . Larry is working and I know that wouldn 't be his choice of movies . So I didn 't feel bad about going without him . There is a new Julia Roberts movie coming out , " Eat , Pray , Love " . That is definitely a chick flick and I will go see it without Larry or wait for it to be out on DVD or TV . The other movie trailer showed was " Red " with Bruce Willis . Now that could be a date night movie . It is an action film and Larry would like it . Talk to you tomorrow . . . I am a Christian , wife , mother , and teacher living in a rural town in Arkansas . My hobbies outside of teaching school include reading and quilting . I have a son , Craig , who is 27 with a degree in graphic design . He is married to the beautiful , kind , Becca . My daughter , Kelsey , is 25 and a nurse . She is married to Zak , who has a sweet 9 year old , Aiden . They also have a newborn , Paxton . My wonderful husband , Larry , is a Paramedic by trade and my best friend .
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Stanley rolled over at the interruption of the call . He 'd spent some time on the shop floor deciding on this bed and he was very comfortable . But the phone persisted . A few further moments later he acceded that it just wasn 't going to quit . It just seemed , right then and there , that it was going to be one of those days . The sun was in the bedroom now anyway . He sighed , an admission that he was now entirely awake and that sleep had fled , at least until the world went dark again . He reached over his side of the bed and took up the handset from where it sat on the floor . - Ok . Meet me out back of Chang 's . I 'll let the old man know you 're coming . He 'll send you through . 10am . Stanley knew better than to try and guess what Willy might have to tell him . He 'd been party to enough surprises in his time , more than one or two plot twists and turns . He languished back in bed , just far enough that his hip came up against the soft flesh of Mary 's round bottom . Stanley lay back into his pillow and went methodically through the items in his day . Get up , shower , dress , breakfast , Bella to school , Chang 's at 10 and , now , Willy , group meeting at 12 on the harbour , the afternoon full of minor details - the jobs that needed doing , the bankable stuff - home in the early evening for Bella and then off again into the dark for the hard hours of the night shift , keeping all his projects on track and moving . Stanley bored of the grind sometimes , but he also knew that it was vital to maintain that essential momentum . Everything , even the smallest plot , had to keep going forward , the engines that drove it regulated and its every cog greased . The only way to assure this was physical attendance . The big jobs the group undertook to which Stanley lent his experience paid well but they were few and far between . His real money , the money that paid the bills , was made on the small , hustling much as he always had , since his very first days of membership . Sure , the territory was now bigger and the cut likewise , but it was still hustling , with all the risk and hard work that that entailed . The Boss didn 't hustle . His cadres didn 't hustle . But everyone else did , even old Samuel , Stanley 's initial sponsor and one time mentor . Samuel was a lifer . He 'd been doing this a long time now , having joined during that period shortly after the group had proposed its first charter . He had worked alongside some of the original big names , taken turns on jobs with men who 'd later become legends and leaders , men who were mostly now all dead . And he 'd die on the job someday too , though not in a blaze of glory but through a gentle yet vile fading . Samuel was a third - to - front - rower in the organisation , but he had little actual sway . He 'd been a street warrior all his life , overlooked for every great promotion . Well , maybe he was a little on the slow side . But nonetheless , Stanley had long thought Samuel deserved better , a proper title and a pension or something . Stanley got up and had his shower . He liked to keep clean , doing his own shopping for the grooming products he felt worked best for him . The warm water on his skin tingled , in that subtle sensation was the first hint of withdrawal , a benign fever in the forearms , a gentle burning that , without intervention , would become an agonising wildfire by the time he was due to meet Willy . There were other signs as well , small , recognisable only to the dedicated addict . Stanley 's mood was off , a barely - registrable depression , distractibility , irritability . So minor it could just have been the detritus of sleep . But Stanley knew better , and he knew that soon he 'd have to intervene . He knew that this morning , like every other morning for years now , he 'd have to have a shot just to get out the front door . Without that magical shot , he 'd soon wind up back in bed , begging for mercy to a God who had long since abandoned him . But once he had that shot , his swagger would be back on , he 'd be pure health and energy and work speed again - for another four or five hours at least . And for several hours at least , he 'd be able to act like he didn 't have that crazy pain that sometimes made his moods unbearable . - Yes , I see the problem . A tricky one . So I guess you gotta figure out which is more important to you - your friendship with Sally or your work . Stanley saw nothing but beauty in Bella . The little girl had so much of her mother in her . At ten she was already very confident about her place in the world . She had the grades at school to back it up , too . Stanley often wondered what her future might bring . He had no doubt she 'd move away from the life he was living . And that gladdened his heart . Someday maybe even he and Mary could join her in that other world . Maybe . Stanley somehow doubted he would ever forget the scars of membership that he carried , the pains of an old wound perhaps too great a reminder of who he really was . And yet now , sitting across from Bella , his beautiful daughter dutifully packing her work books into her school bag , he thought anything possible . And , wow , was Bella getting tall now ! This was something that did worry Stanley a little . Still , there was nothing to prevent his little girl growing up . He put two slices of white bread in the toaster and pulled down its rubberised operating lever . While the toast was being done , he put the electric kettle on and prepared a coffee each for him and Mary . The moonstone was well in his brain now , having peaked and now smoothing down the plateau , his life - force surging . Moonstone was clean to shoot . Well , this moonstone was anyway . He shot his own supply , never anything off the street . His habit cost him nothing , well almost nothing . He had a team working pharma and he simply skimmed off the top what he needed . He 'd learned tricks for keeping his veins open , and , a lot of the time , he skin - popped . Mary knew about the moonstone of course . She had been there when it first started , the addiction . She understood it , as well as she could . Stanley had never od ' ed on her , and she 'd never seen him a mess . He used it for the pain , and that was all . He 'd taken that bullet - in the back , close to the spine , fragments still littering him - and the doctor who had attended him through his rehabilitation had given him those first little pills . The needles and syringes had frightened her at first , but they were just a part of life now , and Stanley had always kept his shooting away from her and Bella . Stanley was a good man . He was always respectful and not once in their entire time together had he raised his voice - or anything else - to her . Sure , she 'd prefer him home a little more and he was often out until very late . And some of the things that he was involved with , well , she 'd rather not know . And when he did admit to some of the more harrowing or contentious aspects of his work , which was infrequently , he was never righteous about what he was doing and she took some good measure of comfort from this . He 'd promised her he 'd never involve himself with prostitution or anything at all to do with children and that was enough for Mary . She knew he was serious about keeping that promise . For Stanley loved her dearly ; and he was both a committed partner and a dedicated provider . He took care of her and her daughter , their daughter . And Mary 's mother had always told her that you could never have everything your own way , that compromises had to be made . She finished dressing and went out to the kitchen to join her small but cosy family . - Sure , you 'll feel bad for a little while . Then other stuff will happen and you 'll forget all about it . But if you don 't nominate , you 'll definitely not win . And maybe you 'll spend the rest of the year wondering what might have been . Do you know what I mean ? - Sometimes it 's better to try and not win , than to not try and not win and always think : ' Well , maybe I could have won . ' I say give it a go . Even if you don 't win , the experience would be great for you . Look at it as just that - - an experience and nothing more . Winning then would be just an extra bonus . Mary came up behind Stanley and put her arm around his waist , nuzzling her face into his shoulder . She liked the feeling of the kitchen mornings , as regular a custom as there could be . It was the one time when the whole family were guaranteed to be together , although Stanley did make a valiant effort to be home for some part of the early evenings . She loved to just quietly listen to her husband and daughter chat between themselves , the coffee that her husband had made for her awaiting her on the bench top , toast already on its way to being done , her day slowly beginning around her . She never once envied the bond between father and daughter ; she revelled in it . The mornings were for them ; she had Bella all to herself in the afternoons and nights . Mary was a quiet woman , but not in a timid , weak kind of way . She had her own inner strength ; indeed , much of it . She simply had little interest in being heard , preferring to keep her judgments to herself , or shared only with Stanley . She didn 't socialise much with the wives and girlfriends of the other members , even with those of the few to who her husband was close . She kept up an old network of friends from her younger days and that was enough , though in truth she didn 't see them much more than she saw anyone else . Yet she did not feel isolated . She had all the freedom in the world , if she needed it . And perhaps in that knowledge was the ultimate freedom itself . The two made a happy sight - the tall father walking hand in hand with his much smaller daughter , her long dark hair with its fine ringlets easing down over her shoulders , their bodies not quite touching and yet so close as to be . A few cars of morning traffic went by them , the suburbs draining in an aortic rupture to complete the city ; Stanley had set up the family home in a typically middle - class suburb , wishing a quiet , warm life for his beloved two . They 'd kept home here now for all of Bella 's decade ; they 'd moved in from a small apartment in the city , Mary falling in love with Stanley 's plan immediately , house hunting ferociously while her husband was at work . That was the kind of partnership they had - anything one thought good , the other would too . Trust was implicit , respect a given , love unbreakable . They 'd been high school sweethearts : he an often truant hoodlum ; she a preppy , college - bound straight . With little in common , and the difference of circumstance and class , it had been a miracle they had come together at all . And yet they had . Despite being anything but aligned , a coming together had occurred against the odds . Somewhere in their final year they had had a chance to experience each other 's company and he had somehow managed to make an impression on her . Stanley had of course already long been involved in gangs and the underground by that time ; his friendship group at school - when he was there - was compromised entirely of the rough and the dangerous , those who would get a girl into the greatest trouble and not think twice about it . But he had always been , from his marrow outwards , respectful of girls and gentle towards them . Whatever it had been , and there is no telling with these things , Mary had become quickly infatuated with this bad boy and in return she was wooed and doted upon . After high school , they had moved in together , Mary softening Stanley 's inherent rage at the world enough to get him through to graduation , even helping him to raise his grades to levels he could not have thought possible . The truth was that Stanley had a mind built for academic success and though he had never imagined this for himself , Mary had seen this potential within him from the start . Perhaps therein lay the source of her attraction . During the summer following graduation , Stanley fell headlong into group membership , moving from a fringe player and troubled youth with a whole lot of pretence to a fully - fledged , wholly inducted member , while Mary prepared for college life . And yet even while they were moving in two radically different directions , they remained stuck . For the next four years Stanley threw himself into the work of a lower tier member while Mary attacked her studies , spending her days on campus and coming home in the evenings to their apartment to prepare their evening meal . Long had there been a domestic side to Mary and so it was that after graduating with honours , she happily gave it all up to stay at home and support Stanley . The life of a junior member is tough - it is all waiting and trials , waiting for the next trial . You work hard for your money , really hard , right down to the marrow so that bone chips circulate with your blood . It 's a harder life than that of an unsigned thug and the returns are routinely smaller . But there is the promise , the guarantee , that hard work and smarts will pay huge dividends in the long term . It is not the career for those seeking instant rewards , over - night success . Membership of the group means you 'll do many years of the hard stuff first , before you can even begin to think of anything else . But eventually , little by little , on the back of that hard graft - and with a little luck - you will rise through the ranks . It was three years before Stanley got any kind of taste of life higher up the ladder . He liked it ; the experience hardened his resolve and for the first time he began to believe in the lie of easy money . Easy money - those at the top got rich on the slog of their subordinates . Stanley envisioned that for himself - all the money without the grind and the risk . Real easy money . During his fourth and fifth years , things steadily began falling into place for him ; his natural intelligence and his innate capacity for hard work enabled him to really start moving upwards within the group . Suddenly , his money went big . Suddenly , he was finding money everywhere . He was still working just as hard but , where he had once to scrap for every last penny , they were just turning up in his pockets . And not just in bits and pieces but really filling them . Stanley was getting rich . But instead of going lavish , he and Mary retained their small apartment and concentrated on laundering their money , making it good for the future . Stanley pulled Bella 's hand , using his natural strength to direct her little body into his . He 'd been aware of a car pulling up behind them and his instincts were hard . He got them over to the brick wall that ran this length of the footpath , positioning Bella inside of his lean . He kept them walking but he was ready . Stanley turned at the last , keeping Bella inside his arm . With no comment on his face , he waited on the struggling man 's final few paces . The overweight and heaving Johnno passed over the kerb and joined them on the footpath , beneath one of the avenue 's many shade trees . He had an almost embarrassed and somewhat sorry look on his face . Stanley knew Johnno wouldn 't be comfortable intruding like this , whatever chore it was he was on : he was on a lower tier than Stanley , a simple man whose major asset was loyalty to his betters . - I 'm not proud , Stanley . I was asked to run this errand and I couldn 't refuse . Again , I 'm not getting in yours by choice and I ain 't easy with it . - Stanley , I gotta tell you this . Let me tell you so I can get on my way . It 's big news for all membership . You need to know , right now . - That 's all , Stanley . Keep your phone on for that call . I don 't know who will call you , but that 's what I got to tell you . Johnno jogged back to his car as Stanley returned to Bella . Stanley had taken Bella 's hand back in his and both had turned to see their overweight intruder off . Johnno reached his car shortly , fumbling with his keys before managing the door open , wading in . The car started and revved , Johnno then pulling it neatly off the kerb and back out onto the road without a further hesitation . Awkward on his feet , but silken behind the wheel , Johnno had served his junior days as a getaway man . They waved him off , getting back to their own morning . Stanley wasn 't surprised the group had known where to find him though ; he had equal smarts on many of his peers as well . How often is the location of a meet changed at the last minute ? Stanley couldn 't recall this ever having happened before . He knew Johnno wouldn 't be setting him up , at least not consciously . Did this all tie in with Willie 's call ? Stanley knew enough to know it would all fit together somehow , all weaves in the one tapestry .
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January 9 , 2013 by shanodin We 're now into the second week of 2013 . Most years , January is to December is to November and November is to October , and so on . This year , though , is palpably different . There are huge differences in my life now , compared to a year since . I 'm coming into the year with a little less optimism , a little less spring in my step . 2012 was a year of facing up to the real truth , and oh man was it scary . The reality of … . well , reality , I suppose . It came and didn 't so much take me out of my comfort zone as blow my comfort zone to kingdom come . There has been a troublesome trend recently to begin a new year with a larger than strictly necessary dose of reality . This year , I spent the lead up to Christmas trying to come to terms with the loss of my Grandmother ( Nan Kay , my Mum 's Mum ) . When my Dadcu passed on in April , it was hard to accept because he had been , perhaps not in good health , but certainly in better spirits than he 'd been in for some time . In my memories , he has been unwell since I knew him , but so vital and full of life . Never was there a man with such a cheeky grin when slipping me £ 5 and saying " Now don 't tell your Grandmother ! " . Then , inevitably , some time later my Nan would catch me and do the exact same thing , " don 't tell Dadcu , " she 'd say with a chuckle . I think they both knew , but it was more fun that way . Dadcu was a fisherman and a Navy man . He had flags on his coffin and they played The Last Post as he burned . My Nan Kay , who always knew what to do , took him out to sea one last time , on the lifeboat that he was an avid supporter of . Shortly after that , she suffered what at the time appeared to be a stroke , but was actually misdiagnosed [ name of rare brain problem that I can 't remember ] . Nothing has ever pushed me closer to moving back to Wales , but I didn 't . I sent her cards , not as often as I should have done but it was all I could manage . The most heart - breaking part of it all was that she seemed to be improving for a while . Then it all changed , the progress she 'd made fell away and left her nude and unprotected . We 'll never know if she was in pain after that , or if she was still the same person inside . We will never be able to tell whether it was harder for her or for my Mum . Nan Kay lived until December . I can only hope she 's resting now . She never really got the hang of resting . It 's difficult to do so , but looking beyond that I learned a lot in 2012 . I learned a lot of harsh truths about friendships and how fragile they can be . I learned what it 's like to work full time in an environment that is really foreign to me ( an office ) , earning enough to pay the bills but almost nothing beyond , and the value of staying because the job , the company and the other people there are all great . I learned that no matter how keen I am about them , stupid ideas remain stupid ideas . I learned that no , not everything IS fair in love and war . I learned a healthy new fury at the current government . I learned that you can 't sit about all day and eat junk food and maintain a size 8 - 10 figure . I learned I don 't trust people as much as I thought I did . I learned that there 's a proper medical term for the type of insomnia I 've had for the last few years . Much more besides . I don 't make new year 's resolutions . I do take the start of the year as an opportunity to assess myself and often , to give myself a good talking to . This year , I was sterner than usual . I may not be starting the new year happy , but I 'm fierce . I may not be convinced but I 'm determined . I may not be perfect , but dammit I 've got to keep trying to be . January 30 , 2012 by shanodin Firstly , a quick explanation as to my lack of new updates recently - I simply haven 't been able to coagulate my thoughts into postable material . There have been things I 've wanted to write about but they 've stuck around for a very short period of time , much less than it takes me to mull something over and decide on what angle to pursue in my writing . I think part of the problem might be my thinking a blog post needs to be a long , in - depth affair , whereas it 's really fine for me to write only a few paragraphs on something . Am going to try harder in the coming weeks to remedy this . A friend of mine , luvlymish , introduced me to a very interesting tradition a couple of years ago , which she heard about from a different friend of hers . Originating in Norfolk , the annual tradition of Father Valentine is a rather quaint idea that can really spread a lot of happiness and smiles around the place . Also known as the tradition of Jack Valentine , a lucky person would be called upon and St . Valentine 's day by a mysterious visitor , the enigmatic Father , or Jack , Valentine . A knock on the door would signal the arrival of a gift for someone in the house ( children and unattached people were just as likely to receive gifts as lovers ) . Father Valentine himself would be long gone by the time the door was answered but the tradition was to yell " Thank you , Father Valentine ! " into the wind in case he was actually just hiding in the wind . Being a truly sentimental romantic at heart , this idea appeals to me immensely . The opportunity to give and potentially receive anonymous gifts is one that I can 't pass up . The gifts can be anything , from a chocolate bar to jewelry and more . A pair of sunglasses rests amongst my ornaments , Father Valentine 's gift from last year . In some ways , it 's a shame I feel like I need this kind of sanctioning in order to give tokens of my love and appreciation to my friends . However , I 've found that random gifts aren 't always a good idea . The last random thing I gave a friend got accidentally left in Manchester without even so much as a thank you . I don 't like sounding whiny and petulant but that stung . So , something a little bit more organised this time . I am tempted to bake goodies for my valentines , but our kitchen is small and often quite messy ( my housemate 's insistence that the recycling goes HERE obviously didn 't apply to him , if the empty pizza boxes are anything to go by ) . Also I 'm not sure how I 'd deliver vast quantities of yummy cakes and the like - I 'd need to scour the land for small boxes . Aside from that I have scant few ideas , but there 's plenty of time . Mostly , I think , I need to write a list of people . I 'm lucky - I have many people in my life whom I love dearly and want to lend a smile to . But that needs lots of ideas , so off I go to come up with some . November 6 , 2011 by shanodin I 've never been the most popular person around . For my whole life , I 've had to get used to being the person from an odd - numbered group who has to sit on their own on the bus , or the one people forget to invite to places . I 'm the one who gets edged out when someone new and more interesting comes along . The one who 's only part of the group because they just won 't stop turning up places . Luckily for me , not all of my forays into pre - established friendship groups proved so harmful to my mental health ; my attendance at RocSoc was simply not high enough to become firmly established in that social group . I know the people , and they know me , but aside for a couple of exceptions we 're never going to be bosom - buddies . Less intimacy and attachment ; less eventual pain . The place I really did think I 'd stick , however , was LURPS . Lancaster university role - playing society . Full of people who were teased in school and consider themselves to be socially ' different from the norm ' . Even I couldn 't be considered annoying or weird compared to some of these guys , right ? For a while , I was so enamoured by everyone in LURPS that I found it hard to settle into a particular group . Before too long though , I gathered a few people I was particularly interested and amused by , people I thought I could trust and enjoy the company of , and we became a group , a brigade even . A core group of six with some peripheral people , and I felt like I 'd found my own version of the Friends cast , people who I 'd continue to be friends with through my twenties and beyond . It seems though , that life thought I needed another false start , another lesson learned . To offset the balance of a social group is a very easy thing , especially when the group contains someone such as me , who is so easily displaced from their comfort zone . I fill a particular role in the group - I am the only girl , the main ear that gets confided in , the funny , cute girl who messes about and kicks butt in Team Fortress 2 . I also take a lot of maintenance as a friend , something I know and am trying hard to work on . I am almost obsessively sociable ; even when I 'm feeling anti - social or ill I want there to be people around me , so I can listen to them talk and know that I 'm not alone when I 'm feeling at my worst . For almost the whole time he 's known her , Sam has been interested in her , and I can 't blame him . Nothing ever came of it though , because she has had a boyfriend since before Sam ever met her . Nevertheless , his interest never waned ; he just supressed it . Until recently . I don 't want to air out exactly what 's happening between them , so what it comes down to is that she has very quickly become a close friend to Sam . I had no worry when Sam was pursuing her as a romantic interest ; in fact I was all for it - Sam is a great guy and deserves to find a girl who 'll make him happy and put up with how stubborn he is . Now that it has emerged that they aren 't going to be entering into a romantic relationship , I am fighting a losing battle for the position of Sam 's best friend . Why would he want to keep me when he could have someone who is just a vastly improved version of me ? The signs are already beginning to show ; Sam and I have spent very little time together just hanging out recently . He 's been busy , or there have been other more interesting people around . Sam 's always had the time for her though . PPS . The main body of this post ( that is , not counting the two post - scripts ) totals 1000 words exactly . Random round numbers like that give me a little bit of a thrill . June 10 , 2010 by shanodin So . As of Monday , I will officially be working two jobs in an effort to claw myself out of my overdraft . The one in the Weatherspoon 's kitchen , and then one 13 hours a week selling shoes in Shoe Zone in Lancaster . I am psyched to start the new job - I can do this job . I worked in Stead and Simpson 's for a year while I was in sixthform . The two shops are owned by the same overall company . The pay is less than in Weatherspoon 's , but it 's going to be less work . Working in ' Spoons is , for lack of a better word , harrowing . Being on your feet for stints of up to 10 hours in one go just isn 't fun . And yeah , I know that work is work and it isn 't meant to be fun , but having a job that stresses me out as much as the ' Spoon 's one wasn 't healthy . So getting to do much less of it is awesome . The tricky part is going to be juggling what shifts I get where , so I 'm not working a ridiculous combination of hours . If both sets of management could sort rotas out enough in advance it 'd be great , but alas , I am yet to know when I 'll be working in spoons next week . If only I could get set hours , standard each week . Hopefully , this means that I 'll be bringing enough money home to get out of my overdraft , and climb slowly into the positive numbers . Each penny I save brings me closer to achieving what I outlined in my last post . I 'm still looking for and applying for jobs , too . Ideally I 'd have two part time retail jobs . The Body Shop are hiring at the moment - I 'd love to be able to have that job and the Shoe Zone one and tell ' Spoon 's where they can stick it . So I 'm still keeping my beady eye open on the look out to see what I can spot . Anyone knowing of anything going , let me know ! In other news , things with Chris and me are going well . We 've become ' Facebook Official ' now , though we were officially a couple long before we got round to changing our statuses on FB . He 's away at Download until Monday , and I miss him . I see this as a good sign . Been really spending a lot of time with friends from RocSoc recently , it 's great . Having two separate sets of friends and then seeing them merge as I invite them all to various things , like the BBQ we had a few weeks ago . I love seeing new friendships form amongst people that I like . The overlap of people is growing and it pleases me . June 7 , 2010 by shanodin I 'm sure a lot of you will have heard me ramble on about this before , but I want to start my own business . For a long time it 's what I 've wanted to do . When I was younger I looked up to , my wonderful , hardworking and dedicated mother . She took a huge risk and picked up a failing business ( a Newsagent in a small , seaside village ) , dusted it off and turned it into her livelihood for several years . The shop has been closed for a while now , the recession biting at the heels of a stumbling business , already trying to deal with other problems , such as competition and people . Now , I don 't want to follow directly in her footsteps . I don 't want to become the proprietor of a newsagent or sweetshop in a village . I want to run my own successful internet cafe . It would be more than just an internet cafe - it would specialize in LAN gaming and online gaming . Ideally there 'd be the opportunity for me to run Friday Night Magic there , too . But I don 't want a small , dark , grotty basement . I want a shop where non - gamers would also feel comfortable coming and browsing the internet with a cup of coffee for an hour . My idea came from visiting Swansea one day when I was in 6th form and missing a train home . I needed something to do for two hours to kill time before the next train home , and so I went into Crossfire . They have 56 computers there , 15 for web browsing and 41 for gaming . They are all networked together and they all have super - fast broadband . I want to spread this wonderful idea . I want to bring it to Lancaster . I can almost see it - casual internet cafe / coffee shop in the day , hardcore gaming lair in the night . There is already somewhere in Lancaster that offers this service , but I 'll give anyone who can name the place and the location 50 points . They operate in a small , slightly underground and very unappealing premises . I went there last year so I could play WoW alongside someone ( damn campus rooms having only one internet connection ) and they told me that their computers weren 't equipped to deal with WoW and their internet connection couldn 't deal with it either . Competition , of a sorts , but I 'm convinced I could do it better . The main hurdle I have is money . Of course it is - so many people would do so much if money wasn 't a worry . Premises , utilities , equipment - it 's all expensive . Also , technical knowledge - I don 't know the first thing about computer networks . The thing is , this idea has been plaguing me for four years now . I can 't make it go away . I can hide it in a cupboard for a while , but eventually it 'll find the handle on the inside and be out there again , nagging and niggling at me . So much so , in fact , that I 've bought a ' Start your own business ' book , and am writing this LJ post for people to comment on my idea . I want , maybe more than anything , to be in Lancaster with the people that I care about and love . I 'm having doubts about university - I 've already made two goes at it , why should the third be any more successful ? I want to do something that interests me , that makes me feel like I 'm giving a service to satisfied customers . I want to get to know my regular customers and I want to be in control of something Big . Something Important ( to me at least ) . May 4 , 2010 by shanodin I don 't like seeing people hurt , especially my friends . I will go out of my way to attempt to improve the lives of those who I care about . If someone is sad , I will try and make them happy . If someone is scared , I will try and calm them . It 's in my nature to help the people around me . But what do you do when the people you 're trying to help aren 't making any effort themselves ? People refusing to seek help from the right people , or not taking their meds or behaving in a self destructive manner . I am starting to lose my faith in my abilities to help , because those that I seek to aid often get nothing from it . Time to sound a little bit selfish here , too . People know how I am at the moment . People know I 'm under stress and I 'm sad . But I keep trying my best to help anyone who needs it . Where do I draw the line , though , when people don 't seem to be getting anything from my help , and are causing me stress and upset in the process , and are doing nothing to help me . I want to help people , but at the same time , I want to get better , and in order for that to happen I need people to help me . ' When we can 't run , we walk . When we can 't walk , we find someone to carry us . ' Got news for ya , folks . I keep falling . I want to get better so I stop feeling selfish like this . I want to go back to having nearly limitless patience with people and being able to do whatever my friends need from me , whenever . I want to help there to be less sadness in the world , and though it feels selfish , the first bit of sadness I want to rid the world of is my own . Also , I owe a hell of a lot for the support he 's been providing me with recently . Same goes for Simon . Thanks guys , you 're the best . Oh , ok , and you . And you . Yeah , you 're all the best . May 2 , 2010 by shanodin I 've gone back to struggling . Every time I get into the getaway vehicle , the depression will throw out a stinger trap and stop me in my tracks . Get out of the car , go back to the lot and find a new vehicle . I thought I was doing well recently , but it seems like I 've just gotten better at fooling myself . Everything seems to be a short term solution . I 've started work , as most of you know . I 'm a kitchen bitch at Weatherspoons . They have me doing nine hour shifts on a regular basis . It 's very hard work because it requires you to be standing for the entire time . You also need to have hands of fireproofness in order to get up the speed and efficiency that the longer serving staff can manage . I feel useless most of the time , and I just want to quite . I don 't like the job . I 'm terrified to quit though , since my friends enjoy going to that Weatherspoons quite a lot , so I 'd miss out on a lot of social events because I 'd not be able to show my face there . I know that if I quit , I 'd be disappointing a lot of people too , people with faith in me , people who believe I can do it . I need the faith of these people . The job is really exhausting me though , in a way I never thought it would . I leave work after each shift feeling useless and pathetic . I 'm not sleeping well again , and whenever I eventually do get to sleep , it 's usually with tears on my face . Usually , I love Darkside ( not so much the music but the people and the atmosphere ) but this weekend , after going to the effort of borrowing money off people to pay my entry price , I really didn 't have a good time at all . I felt self conscious about what I was wearing , dancing was wearing me out , and I was very claustrophobic . I usually love dancing , whether the dancefloor is jam - packed , or if I 'm the only one on it , but being surrounded by so many moving bodies really made me feel … panicked , nauseous and afraid . I spent some time sitting at the back , sobbing into theglaivemaster . I 'm not coping with anything very well at the moment , and I just want to get back to normal , happy , stubborn Alice , who takes everything into her stride . I thought for a while that it would happen sometime soon , but apparently not - this ' healing process ' seems to be taking a lot longer than I expected . Another reason I can 't quit the job - I need the money . I need it to live . Going back to Wales and living at home isn 't something I 'd cope with . I need to be near my friends and my doctor . I 'm on the waiting list for CBT , but I don 't know how much longer I can wait . I 've been feeling pretty disconnected from my family recently too , not having heard from home very much in quite a while . All I want to do at the moment is hang out with Sam and Simon and play games and chat shit about nothing . I don 't want any responsibilities , I don 't want any stress . I just want to get better , and nothing feels like its getting me there , nothing feels like it 's helping . I want to be able to curl up at night and go to sleep easily , not to lay there convincing myself that there is something worth waking up for in the morning , because that is getting increasingly difficult . Anyone who 's interested , next week I 'm working Tuesday 12 - 9pm , Thursday 6am - 12 , Friday 11 - 8pm , and Saturday 4 - 11pm . This means I will be missing both the LURPS meetings and the social : ( . I don 't know how many of those shifts I 'll get through . Doctors appointment on Tuesday , hopefully he 'll have some words of wisdom for me . ( Hopefully those words won 't be ' man up ' ) March 25 , 2010 by shanodin So , after nearly a week on the new tablets , I finally got a decent night 's sleep last night after taking the absolute maximum amount of sleeping tablets allowed by the box . This made me sleep in until half one , which was a tad disappointing ( because I wanted to go for lunch as usual ) . But , it was great to get a full night 's sleep for once . It 's been an interesting week . I 've spent a lot of time hanging out with people that I wouldn 't necessarily spend time with on a regular basis otherwise . Monday night was Adam 's birthday , which was good fun - there were a lot of people there , including people who I know buy name / sight but that 's it , so I feel I got to know them a bit better . Tuesday I went onto campus and had lunch ( something I failed to do on Monday due to not realising where the usual suspects would be on a non - termtime lunch hour ) . Also met with Locrecia and Mair to do social sec related plotting . Look out LURPS , next term will be FUN . After that , I came home and started feeling pretty low . Did my best to stave it of by trying to not be on my own as much as possible - ate in spoons with Adam and Paul D . Went home still feeling pretty low but at least I had saved myself an hour or two of being alone . Wednesday was a good day , Spent it in the company of Mr Slee and Mr B ( aka the Craigs ) and learned some very interesting things about LURPS and its members * cackles wildly * . After spending most of the day with these wonderful gentlemen , I went to pizza hut with some of the more ' usual crowd ' including Simon , Mew and Stu . At this point I was really feeling the lack of sleep . Agitated and nervy , I wanted out of pizza hut and to be at home with the right tools for the job of relieving the tension and pain inside me . But I was convinced to stay by the food ( mmm pizza ) and then by my friends - people telling me how good the film was ( and they were right . ) As much as I wanted to go home and be able to cry and cut myself and make the world seem smaller , I knew that this was not the right choice . It wasn 't what I should be doing . So I stayed , and went to the film , and then came home and took the sleeping pills . Every time I am there , I get blown away with the wonder of Williamson Park . Such a beautiful place - I am resolved to go there more often while the weather is acceptable . Might make it a daily thing on my way back from lunch on campus . If I make it a routine then it will help me get out of the house , something which has seemed quite pointless on several occasions since I stopped studying . So , to the point of the post at last . I thought that Easter at Lancaster would be quite a boring thing , quite lonely and generally bad for my health , but no . It has been wonderful so far , spending time with people out of my usual ' circle of friends ' and seeing that maybe I need to redefine the circle . I 've met new people and discovered that I can feel things that I didn 't know I could anymore . Now I 'm looking forward to Locrecia 's housewarming tomorrow and Sanctuary on Saturday - both opportunities to find myself in the company of a certain someone who I like to be in the company of at the moment , and of course a whole load of other wonderous people . March 21 , 2010 by shanodin I have had something recently that I 've not had for a very long time . I had a Good Weekend . Not all of it was good , some of it was in fact awful , but for the most part , it was Good . The Prozac has been making me feel woozy but the side effects are much less severe than with the citalopram . Friday night saw Sam run a one - shot of All Flesh Must Be Eaten . He decided to do this at about half eight , so there was zombie related hilarity with Sam , Simon , Dan and Stu until about 2 . 30am . It wasn 't a great role - playing experience for me , I couldn 't get into character at all , but the OOC banter was fantastic . Saturday was of course the LURPS Hog Roast . Brilliant stuff , delicious food and great company . I had some bad times there though , mostly because I made a joke in bad taste and managed to convince myself that it had made everyone who heard it hate me , so I wandered off and spent an hour sitting around on the floor on my own before anyone came to find me . But I did get to smear Jelly on Connor 's face , which was funny . Saturday night was Rock It To The Lune , which was awesome . I 've not been out dancing in such a long time that I 'd forgotten how good it feels , especially in the company of people who don 't care that I look like I 'm having a seizure on the dance floor . I danced and sung and had a brilliant time . I even won the raffle ( kinda ) . Then Simon , Stu , John and I went on to Hustle , where we stayed for about eight minutes before coming back to my place to play Magic : The Gathering . Today , I was supposed to be playing in the game Mr . Slee is running over Easter . However , I had a massive panic this morning that my current state of fail would ruin the game for all the other players and spoil all of the GM 's hard work . So , I bailed out and went to learn how to play Go in the Sun , which was great . After Go , I hung out with Adam for a bit , played some MtG and lost some chess . Not known Adam for very long but had a great time , it 's nice to find more people who are easy to hang out with . After that , Justin hosted a MtG cube draft , which was fun . Justin , Simon , Stu , Girly Mike , Adam and myself played and it was ace fun . And that brings us to now . I 'm doing my utmost to keep happy , which is why I 've written about the weekend , to remind myself of how good it was . It feels like I 'm having a come - down , which I suppose in a way I am . But hopefully I 'll be ok . Seems that recently something 's been happening to me that hasn 't happened since November 2008 . I think I 'm getting a crush on someone . It 's a very weird thing and I 'm not sure what to do with it . Leave it alone for now , I think , and poke it more when I feel brave .
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Apparently a possible British terrorist suspect is on the loose in Zambia . I mean , no disrespect , but if you were about to be arrested is this really the last country you 'd want to visit before lock - up ? Because , you might have difficulty getting out again . As we are down to one day 's supply of diesel in the entire country . Which should make life interesting . . . But more cheerful news is that apparently the number of doctors in rural parts of Zambia has ' soared ' . Now there are 66 of them bushside . The population of Zambia is approximately 10 million . . . Bad : I hurty . Eyes hurty , nose hurty , ears hurty , throat hurty . No pharmacy roundabouts here . Worse , no chocolate . Good : Being able to put in a cup - honey from our bees , lemons from the trees , ginger and thyme from the garden . ( With anty water ) . Licking out the remains of the Nutella jar . Mostly , the critters here are the wriggly biggly bitey unpleasant kind . But sometimes , ya see things that are just mindblowingly psychedelic . And that 's quite cool . Acid Orange ButterflyMangetout With Legs Accommodation in Lusaka is a curious thing . There is a place we like to stay at because it 's cheap and cheerful . With emphasis on both those things - it costs very little money to stay there and the company is always good . Unfortunately everyone else likes to stay there too , so it 's usually booked pretty solid . We did manage to book a room for last weekend however . Or so we thought . But on rocking up , with an hour before the Embassy do started , we got told there was a mixup and now there was no room at the inn . And thus ensued a fraught 2 - hour drive around Lusaka desperately trying to find somewhere to stay . Unless you are a big businessperson on an expense account ( we 're not ) and stay at somewhere plush like the Pamodzi or the Intercontinental Hotels , you are left with a choice of guesthouses which beggar belief . Many are openly brothels . The rest charge exorbitant prices for décor last seen in Auntie Marge 's house , after she overdosed on her HRT meds with too many back issues of Gardener 's World and Woman 's Weekly to hand . As we drove round and round the capital The Husband was getting a bit hysterical at the thought of showing up to the reception late , in case it was a sit - down affair . I was more worried about them running out of booze , but figured that the combination of an Irish reception in Africa would mean the show wouldn 't start until at least a couple of hours after the advertised time . In the end , in desperation , we handed over all our spending money for the weekend in return for a night in the Hotel d ' Horreur , and rushed to get ready . Of course the only clean clothes either of us had were cream - coloured , as this is a colour one must never show daylight to when living in the bush . So , we kinda matched . We also looked quite crumply . Our cheap and cheerful place has an iron . Hotel d ' Horreur didn 't . As my flat - flat flip - floppy feet climbed into a pair of heels , I thought that given the matching outfits there would surely be some Posh ' n ' Becks jokes at our expense . In any event , the climbing into crumply cream clothes was done in a terrible hurry , and it was not until the next day that we realised the true extent of the Hotel d ' Horreur . Waking up with the mother of all hangovers is bad . But waking up with the mother of all hangovers to what looks like a slaughtered zebra draped over your bed , bright sunlight streaming in the windows , and no water in the room , is a nightmare . Having gotten to bed at 2am , I woke up again at 5am , with half the Sahara residing in the back of my throat . We had no water bottles with us , and despite the ludicrously high price we had paid for the room , no water jug there either . I wondered about drinking from the tap . I could vaguely recall brushing my teeth in the tapwater earlier , but that is a different thing entirely to drinking 500 litres of it all of a slap . I went in to the bathroom . The bath was full of ants . I don 't know what they were doing . Not taking a bath , as there was no plug . But there they were , in their millions . I tried to sit down on the loo to take a leak , but the entire seat fell off and it and I ended up on the floor . I briefly wondered if urine was toxic to ants , but then I was a good girl and weed in the loo after all . Waterwaterwaterwater , it was becoming very important . Perhaps the breakfast table would have some . Or the bar . Surely , somewhere , was water . I pulled on some clothes and caught a frightening glance of myself in the mirror . No mirrors or lighting in the bush . It 's quite good that , but not when you come to the city and see what you really look like . My hair was quite borked ( new favourite word ) but as I was doing a very good impression of the tall one from AbFab on the lash , I decided to roll with that . But everywhere was quiet . No bar open , no breakfast room open , no reception open . I wavered in front of the swimming pool , but come on , I have standards . I went back to the room and was frightened again , this time by the full on view of the zebra bedspread with matching pillow . I decided to go on a little hunt around the room , to keep up the safari theme . I found : There was , however , a kettle . I decided that if I boiled the tap water it would be less likely to give me the trots . But first I had to wrench the plug of the TV out of the wall , for there was only that one socket , half a mile away . The kettle was perched on a dresser thingummy , and the cord was too short to reach the socket . So it had to sit on the floor - v dangerous . There was no switch on the kettle itself ( is this even legal ? ) . I looked inside and saw no bubbles , so clearly the connection was dodgy . I lashed the plug into the socket with a karate chop and it started to hum . The karate chop unfortunately had now rendered the whole sockety business to dangle wildly out of the wall . LUCKILY there was a switch on the actual socket , as otherwise I would have been faced with the prospect of a boiling kettle spouting steam all over my feet and no way of ever switching it off and it 's The Husband 's job to set rooms on fire , not mine . I didn 't however , have a wooden spoon for flicking the switch , so I had to use my hand and hope no electrocution occurred . I made tea . I hate tea , but I thought it would be slightly better than hot water . I sat on the chair to drink my tea , but the back of it fell off and I wasn 't really into a stool at that point . So I went back to bed , and sat there drinking tea , and thinking how nice it would be to be able to watch TV at the same time , except that now the plug for the kettle was jammed in the wall , so no TV . I went back to sleep . It must be a truth universally acknowledged , that if your husband is networking with a politician responsible for distributing aid money , that it is A Bad Thing to butt in and suggest that a possible starting point for halting the spread of AIDS would be getting men to keep their penises in their pants . Ahem . Politicians are a bit like the BBC in that regard , no time for rude words . Still , I don 't think said politician will hold it against me . I googled him , he has a dodgy background in line - dancing . Anyway , I blame the free booze . Did I mention there was free booze ? Did I mention there was positively no security and we just rocked up at the ambassador 's residence going ' Hello , we 're here for the party ! ' Like , you could make a LIVING out of that . There must be parties at embassies every night of the week . You could go to all of them . For the free booze . Did I mention there was free booze ? The layout was admirable . Toilet immediately on the left ( for you know you will need to know where that is later ) , free booze bar immediately on the right , and food out in the garden with dogs waiting to hoover up the droppings . It took 20 seconds for the Resident Nutjob to find us . And only another 30 for her to invite us to sleep on her floor , although she had no mattresses or bedding of any kind , and her house was very full , but she liked it that way . Indeed . Luckily the Resident Bore didn 't find us until the very end , by which point I had drunk enough free booze to forget to be polite . Drink is a terrible thing . Actually that 's not true . I was in fact rudely polite . Or politely rude even . I 'm so sorry , I don 't mean to be rude , but I have absolutely no interest in talking to you . Goodnight . Well yes it was a horrible thing to say , but the drink , the drink ! Besides , if nobody ever tells him he 'll continue boring people to death for the rest of his life . Then we went dancing ! It was great ! In heels as well ! I didn 't fall over once , and had only three mystery bruises the next day . In fact the whole shebang could even have been deemed a success , were it not for the small matter of accommodation . But more of that another day . I have been invited to a pissup civilised reception at the Irish Embassy in Lusaka . This is quite exciting . I have never been to any Embassy do , and rumour has it that the Irish ones are always piled high with booze . I will duly report back next week . I must avoid sweaty politicians and corn - footed nuns at all cost . Residents of Bushland , Bushyville are currently chanting ' We are not Afraid ' as their area has been put on to high security alert , known as Code Chicken . Reports are coming through that Head of Security , Jehosephat the Nightwatchman , has been called out to investigate no less than three different occurences . At around 16 : 00 some villagers reported smoke billowing from the muzungu 's house at the edge of the compound . Upon investigation it was discovered that the muzungu had drunk too many g & ts and fallen asleep with some buns in the oven . In a separate incident Shoes the Mechanic reported seeing someone board a bus carrying a suspect goat . This was immediately dismissed by Jehosephat , as neither buses nor goats have ever been seen in the area . Loveness the Nurse was despatched to provide a banana and some panadol to Mr Shoes , to counteract the effect of whatever he had been smoking . And finally , at about 16 : 30 Roger the Dodger - bicycle repair man - made an attempt to secure the title of local ne ' er do well , when he threatened Chief with " blowing your brains out " . Witnesses were unanimous in their belief that he was unlikely to achieve this with an inner tube and an old candle . Residents have been advised to stay indoors and watch out for anything suspicious . Unfortunately this advice has had to be ignored , on account of no lights for watching anything , and the danger of using a paraffin stove indoors with no ventilation . We await further updates . Once upon a time , before glittering wings smashed into ivory towers , I went to New York on a plane . I went in the company of a work colleague , a young man who designed things . I was the young woman who wrote things . We worked in London for A Very Large Company , which had offices worldwide and Headquarters nestled next to the shiny Big Apple . We were off on an annual trip to the Holy Temple of Spin for a Marketing Workshop . Otherwise known as 7 days ' worth of being bored to death and drinking insipid beer on the company tab . We arrived at JFK having stolen many bags of free toiletries from business class suitably refreshed and proceeded to battle our way through several different lines of bureaucracy . The last hurdle before collecting our luggage and heading for the discounted beauty product shops workshop was Security . The Machine - Like Grumpy Security Guard asked me what I was doing in the States - if I was there on business or pleasure . Thinking to myself that I could not possibly call being holed up in a bland hotel for a week with a bunch of really stupid and trying Americans * pleasure , I stated that I had come on business . And therein was the start of some nightmare half - hour quiz show , complete with scary presenter , bright hot lights , and a buzzer continuously going ' neh - eh ! ' in the background . For Grumpy Security Guard 's interest was now piqued . For Pete 's sake don 't make me try and explain the difference between Marketing and Sales . I have no idea . I write things . It makes stuff sell . The end . ' Kind of ' didn 't cut it . There was clearly an answer he was looking for , and I was racking my brains to find it . Eventually in the midst of his interrogation I enlightened him to the fact that I was a copywriter in our firm 's marketing department . It seems I might as well have said I was a terrorist . And thus ensued another tortuous half - hour where he threatened to send me back to the UK because I didn 't have a journalist 's visa , and I got exasperated trying to explain that I was not , in fact , a journalist , but a mere copywriter , employed to sell American products . I eventually managed to convince GSG that I was not about to wreak havoc on New York , or America at Large , by whacking people to death with my sheets of copy , and he let me through . Meanwhile , my colleague had sailed through Security with a wave and a smile , despite the fact that he was carrying several scalpels and a large can of aerosol glue in his hand luggage … Such , it would seem , is the power of words and the almighty fear it drives into some people . In those days it was a case of using my words to sell overpriced tat to people who didn 't need it and probably couldn 't afford it . I 'd like to think that now my words go some way towards making a real difference to people . I posted earlier about a particular village here being in desperate need of a well . We have a great donor in Wales who likes to fundraise for us , so I spent ages writing up some publicity material for her about this village , for use at her next fundraising event . Before she could even organise anything , a neighbour of hers dropped by her house , read through my words , and promptly wrote out a personal cheque for close to £ 1 , 000 to build the well . While this is obviously fantastic , and yes , the villagers do need clean water , I am very conscious that publicity material such as this only ever gives one tiny piece of the story . It is difficult to write all the time of people drinking filthy water on a daily basis , water which should bring life but often brings death . Of the thousands of small babies killed by malaria . Of the swathe of AIDS deaths which leaves widows caring for up to 20 kids in one household . For while these people undoubtedly have tough lives , they are not limpid beggars with their hands outstretched . They have pride , dignity , laughter . Their children go to school , even if it is under a tree . They work their farms , hard , every day . The women sit and twist each other 's hair into elaborate styles and gossip about their neighbours . The men sit and gossip about the women . The rhythm of life is the same here as it is the world over . And yet it is not the laughter or the gossip which sells , but the hardship and the illness . And that is the way of the word . * Disclaimer - I am not saying that all Americans are stupid . Far from it . ( Hello American friends ! ) But I would rather chew off my own toenails than ever work with that bunch again . I wish to speak with the scriptwriters of my life . I 'm sure I requested an Adventure Story , not Black Comedy . I am bleary - eyed from lack of sleep . The Bushbaby has kept me awake by cackling up in the tree at an eardrum - busting level all night long . When I walked into the living room this morning I saw what was making it laugh . We have recently acquired two cats , in an attempt to stamp out the wildlife that runs riot inside our home - the bats , rats , mice , voles , giant hairy spiders and so on . Unfortunately the cats feel that they must show off their captives . On the sofa , next to a cute and fluffy toy mouse , all tucked up neat and tidy next to it , almost like bedmates , is a real mouse . Well not so much real anymore , seeing as it 's dead an ' all . And missing its head . But that 's ok though , because I can see the head . Puked up all over the floor . We have a sweet old lady in the UK who likes to send odd bits and pieces to the schoolkids here . We just received from her a big box of teddies for the creche . Donations in kind have to be registered , so we 've got a record of incoming goods . I went to speak to the Man In Charge Of Records about the donation . I showed him the box and told him how many teddies we 'd gotten . He didn 't know what a Teddy Bear was . There is something incredibly sad about that . But also something incredibly funny about the fact that I now have a receipt for Teddy Balls . I don 't really need a box full of furry genitalia , I 've had quite enough body parts to contend with this morning . . . If I was actually from Mars , things would be easier , I 'm sure . I can now see why - in my previous incarnation as a copywriter - I was never employed on a well - paid government job , for I would surely have brought sense and sensibility to an arena positively proud of its utter incomprehensibility . Not following ? Welcome to my world . I am attempting to fill in a hideously written Self - Assessment Tax Return Form , which the British Government has demanded I do , or prison . Or something . Well , good luck finding me . Ironically of course , I have no income to pay tax on . But still , must fill in form or prison . Before I even begin the preliminaries I am instructed to gather round me supplementary pages . It might as well read ' suppositories ' , for all the joy this brings to my heart . Enclosed with all my taxy forms is a lovely big form which is supposed to help me . Except if I am using the Non - residence suppositories . Then it is officially No Good . Given that I reside in Zambia , ( or do I ? … ) I will surely be taking the NR ( jargon alert ! ) suppositories . The Non - residence suppositories have not been included in My Big Fat Tax Envelope . I must get them from the interweb . I am lucky to have the interweb , there can 't be many aid workers living out in the bush that do . While I am online I see that I can file my assessment by interweb . I am urged to do so , as it will be fast , secure and jolly good all round . I plough my way through the details , trying , and failing , to bypass the section for postcode , as we don 't have postcodes in Zambia . I make one up . Then I am told that my high - security access code will be posted to me . Yes , by old post . Not by zippy email - style post . So I must wait another six weeks for that to arrive before I can file online . Raah ! Jolly super , how fast and efficient indeed . I give up and try to find the correct NR forms . They are nowhere to be found . I am lost in the maze at Hampton Court Palace with no kindly guards to rescue me . You would think , on the original form , where it tells me to go get the NR SuI know you are probably bored already . Imagine how I feel . I have not filled in a single box yet , due to suppository searches . And now , before I can fill in the first bit on the first suppository , I must decipher which one of these I am : I do the absolutely FORBIDDEN and sneak a peek ahead at the section I have to fill in once I have figured out my residency status . Am I an EEA national ? I have no idea . What does this mean ? I am an Irish national , who used to live in the UK and a citizen of Europe . What is EEA ? Is it same like EU ? I am instructed to fill in my forms in either blue or black ballpoint pen . They will get it in purple crayon if that is what is to hand at the time I actually figure out what I am supposed to write . And like it . The Inland Revenue state many times all over their forms that they will calculate my tax for me ( even though I will pay none ) . What a great idea . No apples minus no oranges equals no bananas . This is what I am now planning to fill in and return to the Inland Revenue by carrier pidgwidgeon , with spangly stars on for good measure : Monday and Tuesday of this week are Zambian holidays , so I am alone in the office . Well , not quite alone . There are giant rats working in tag teams to strip the place of paper and it 's really wigging me out . Especially as I am trying to watch my Desperate Housewives DVDs . Water is already running out even though we 've just hit July . Normally we only need to ration come September , and rain starts again in November , but the drought last rainy season is having a knock - on effect . What water we have is a lovely brown colour and full of things . Twiggy planty insecty things . How can one possibly get clean in dirty water ? Luckily I am not dehydrating as we have both gin and whiskey to drink . It is also so cold I can see my breath in the mornings . It may be time for some hibernation . Chat amongst yourselves , or have a read elsewhere . . .
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Apparently a possible British terrorist suspect is on the loose in Zambia . I mean , no disrespect , but if you were about to be arrested is this really the last country you 'd want to visit before lock - up ? Because , you might have difficulty getting out again . As we are down to one day 's supply of diesel in the entire country . Which should make life interesting . . . But more cheerful news is that apparently the number of doctors in rural parts of Zambia has ' soared ' . Now there are 66 of them bushside . The population of Zambia is approximately 10 million . . . Bad : I hurty . Eyes hurty , nose hurty , ears hurty , throat hurty . No pharmacy roundabouts here . Worse , no chocolate . Good : Being able to put in a cup - honey from our bees , lemons from the trees , ginger and thyme from the garden . ( With anty water ) . Licking out the remains of the Nutella jar . Mostly , the critters here are the wriggly biggly bitey unpleasant kind . But sometimes , ya see things that are just mindblowingly psychedelic . And that 's quite cool . Acid Orange ButterflyMangetout With Legs Accommodation in Lusaka is a curious thing . There is a place we like to stay at because it 's cheap and cheerful . With emphasis on both those things - it costs very little money to stay there and the company is always good . Unfortunately everyone else likes to stay there too , so it 's usually booked pretty solid . We did manage to book a room for last weekend however . Or so we thought . But on rocking up , with an hour before the Embassy do started , we got told there was a mixup and now there was no room at the inn . And thus ensued a fraught 2 - hour drive around Lusaka desperately trying to find somewhere to stay . Unless you are a big businessperson on an expense account ( we 're not ) and stay at somewhere plush like the Pamodzi or the Intercontinental Hotels , you are left with a choice of guesthouses which beggar belief . Many are openly brothels . The rest charge exorbitant prices for décor last seen in Auntie Marge 's house , after she overdosed on her HRT meds with too many back issues of Gardener 's World and Woman 's Weekly to hand . As we drove round and round the capital The Husband was getting a bit hysterical at the thought of showing up to the reception late , in case it was a sit - down affair . I was more worried about them running out of booze , but figured that the combination of an Irish reception in Africa would mean the show wouldn 't start until at least a couple of hours after the advertised time . In the end , in desperation , we handed over all our spending money for the weekend in return for a night in the Hotel d ' Horreur , and rushed to get ready . Of course the only clean clothes either of us had were cream - coloured , as this is a colour one must never show daylight to when living in the bush . So , we kinda matched . We also looked quite crumply . Our cheap and cheerful place has an iron . Hotel d ' Horreur didn 't . As my flat - flat flip - floppy feet climbed into a pair of heels , I thought that given the matching outfits there would surely be some Posh ' n ' Becks jokes at our expense . In any event , the climbing into crumply cream clothes was done in a terrible hurry , and it was not until the next day that we realised the true extent of the Hotel d ' Horreur . Waking up with the mother of all hangovers is bad . But waking up with the mother of all hangovers to what looks like a slaughtered zebra draped over your bed , bright sunlight streaming in the windows , and no water in the room , is a nightmare . Having gotten to bed at 2am , I woke up again at 5am , with half the Sahara residing in the back of my throat . We had no water bottles with us , and despite the ludicrously high price we had paid for the room , no water jug there either . I wondered about drinking from the tap . I could vaguely recall brushing my teeth in the tapwater earlier , but that is a different thing entirely to drinking 500 litres of it all of a slap . I went in to the bathroom . The bath was full of ants . I don 't know what they were doing . Not taking a bath , as there was no plug . But there they were , in their millions . I tried to sit down on the loo to take a leak , but the entire seat fell off and it and I ended up on the floor . I briefly wondered if urine was toxic to ants , but then I was a good girl and weed in the loo after all . Waterwaterwaterwater , it was becoming very important . Perhaps the breakfast table would have some . Or the bar . Surely , somewhere , was water . I pulled on some clothes and caught a frightening glance of myself in the mirror . No mirrors or lighting in the bush . It 's quite good that , but not when you come to the city and see what you really look like . My hair was quite borked ( new favourite word ) but as I was doing a very good impression of the tall one from AbFab on the lash , I decided to roll with that . But everywhere was quiet . No bar open , no breakfast room open , no reception open . I wavered in front of the swimming pool , but come on , I have standards . I went back to the room and was frightened again , this time by the full on view of the zebra bedspread with matching pillow . I decided to go on a little hunt around the room , to keep up the safari theme . I found : There was , however , a kettle . I decided that if I boiled the tap water it would be less likely to give me the trots . But first I had to wrench the plug of the TV out of the wall , for there was only that one socket , half a mile away . The kettle was perched on a dresser thingummy , and the cord was too short to reach the socket . So it had to sit on the floor - v dangerous . There was no switch on the kettle itself ( is this even legal ? ) . I looked inside and saw no bubbles , so clearly the connection was dodgy . I lashed the plug into the socket with a karate chop and it started to hum . The karate chop unfortunately had now rendered the whole sockety business to dangle wildly out of the wall . LUCKILY there was a switch on the actual socket , as otherwise I would have been faced with the prospect of a boiling kettle spouting steam all over my feet and no way of ever switching it off and it 's The Husband 's job to set rooms on fire , not mine . I didn 't however , have a wooden spoon for flicking the switch , so I had to use my hand and hope no electrocution occurred . I made tea . I hate tea , but I thought it would be slightly better than hot water . I sat on the chair to drink my tea , but the back of it fell off and I wasn 't really into a stool at that point . So I went back to bed , and sat there drinking tea , and thinking how nice it would be to be able to watch TV at the same time , except that now the plug for the kettle was jammed in the wall , so no TV . I went back to sleep . It must be a truth universally acknowledged , that if your husband is networking with a politician responsible for distributing aid money , that it is A Bad Thing to butt in and suggest that a possible starting point for halting the spread of AIDS would be getting men to keep their penises in their pants . Ahem . Politicians are a bit like the BBC in that regard , no time for rude words . Still , I don 't think said politician will hold it against me . I googled him , he has a dodgy background in line - dancing . Anyway , I blame the free booze . Did I mention there was free booze ? Did I mention there was positively no security and we just rocked up at the ambassador 's residence going ' Hello , we 're here for the party ! ' Like , you could make a LIVING out of that . There must be parties at embassies every night of the week . You could go to all of them . For the free booze . Did I mention there was free booze ? The layout was admirable . Toilet immediately on the left ( for you know you will need to know where that is later ) , free booze bar immediately on the right , and food out in the garden with dogs waiting to hoover up the droppings . It took 20 seconds for the Resident Nutjob to find us . And only another 30 for her to invite us to sleep on her floor , although she had no mattresses or bedding of any kind , and her house was very full , but she liked it that way . Indeed . Luckily the Resident Bore didn 't find us until the very end , by which point I had drunk enough free booze to forget to be polite . Drink is a terrible thing . Actually that 's not true . I was in fact rudely polite . Or politely rude even . I 'm so sorry , I don 't mean to be rude , but I have absolutely no interest in talking to you . Goodnight . Well yes it was a horrible thing to say , but the drink , the drink ! Besides , if nobody ever tells him he 'll continue boring people to death for the rest of his life . Then we went dancing ! It was great ! In heels as well ! I didn 't fall over once , and had only three mystery bruises the next day . In fact the whole shebang could even have been deemed a success , were it not for the small matter of accommodation . But more of that another day . I have been invited to a pissup civilised reception at the Irish Embassy in Lusaka . This is quite exciting . I have never been to any Embassy do , and rumour has it that the Irish ones are always piled high with booze . I will duly report back next week . I must avoid sweaty politicians and corn - footed nuns at all cost . Residents of Bushland , Bushyville are currently chanting ' We are not Afraid ' as their area has been put on to high security alert , known as Code Chicken . Reports are coming through that Head of Security , Jehosephat the Nightwatchman , has been called out to investigate no less than three different occurences . At around 16 : 00 some villagers reported smoke billowing from the muzungu 's house at the edge of the compound . Upon investigation it was discovered that the muzungu had drunk too many g & ts and fallen asleep with some buns in the oven . In a separate incident Shoes the Mechanic reported seeing someone board a bus carrying a suspect goat . This was immediately dismissed by Jehosephat , as neither buses nor goats have ever been seen in the area . Loveness the Nurse was despatched to provide a banana and some panadol to Mr Shoes , to counteract the effect of whatever he had been smoking . And finally , at about 16 : 30 Roger the Dodger - bicycle repair man - made an attempt to secure the title of local ne ' er do well , when he threatened Chief with " blowing your brains out " . Witnesses were unanimous in their belief that he was unlikely to achieve this with an inner tube and an old candle . Residents have been advised to stay indoors and watch out for anything suspicious . Unfortunately this advice has had to be ignored , on account of no lights for watching anything , and the danger of using a paraffin stove indoors with no ventilation . We await further updates . Once upon a time , before glittering wings smashed into ivory towers , I went to New York on a plane . I went in the company of a work colleague , a young man who designed things . I was the young woman who wrote things . We worked in London for A Very Large Company , which had offices worldwide and Headquarters nestled next to the shiny Big Apple . We were off on an annual trip to the Holy Temple of Spin for a Marketing Workshop . Otherwise known as 7 days ' worth of being bored to death and drinking insipid beer on the company tab . We arrived at JFK having stolen many bags of free toiletries from business class suitably refreshed and proceeded to battle our way through several different lines of bureaucracy . The last hurdle before collecting our luggage and heading for the discounted beauty product shops workshop was Security . The Machine - Like Grumpy Security Guard asked me what I was doing in the States - if I was there on business or pleasure . Thinking to myself that I could not possibly call being holed up in a bland hotel for a week with a bunch of really stupid and trying Americans * pleasure , I stated that I had come on business . And therein was the start of some nightmare half - hour quiz show , complete with scary presenter , bright hot lights , and a buzzer continuously going ' neh - eh ! ' in the background . For Grumpy Security Guard 's interest was now piqued . For Pete 's sake don 't make me try and explain the difference between Marketing and Sales . I have no idea . I write things . It makes stuff sell . The end . ' Kind of ' didn 't cut it . There was clearly an answer he was looking for , and I was racking my brains to find it . Eventually in the midst of his interrogation I enlightened him to the fact that I was a copywriter in our firm 's marketing department . It seems I might as well have said I was a terrorist . And thus ensued another tortuous half - hour where he threatened to send me back to the UK because I didn 't have a journalist 's visa , and I got exasperated trying to explain that I was not , in fact , a journalist , but a mere copywriter , employed to sell American products . I eventually managed to convince GSG that I was not about to wreak havoc on New York , or America at Large , by whacking people to death with my sheets of copy , and he let me through . Meanwhile , my colleague had sailed through Security with a wave and a smile , despite the fact that he was carrying several scalpels and a large can of aerosol glue in his hand luggage … Such , it would seem , is the power of words and the almighty fear it drives into some people . In those days it was a case of using my words to sell overpriced tat to people who didn 't need it and probably couldn 't afford it . I 'd like to think that now my words go some way towards making a real difference to people . I posted earlier about a particular village here being in desperate need of a well . We have a great donor in Wales who likes to fundraise for us , so I spent ages writing up some publicity material for her about this village , for use at her next fundraising event . Before she could even organise anything , a neighbour of hers dropped by her house , read through my words , and promptly wrote out a personal cheque for close to £ 1 , 000 to build the well . While this is obviously fantastic , and yes , the villagers do need clean water , I am very conscious that publicity material such as this only ever gives one tiny piece of the story . It is difficult to write all the time of people drinking filthy water on a daily basis , water which should bring life but often brings death . Of the thousands of small babies killed by malaria . Of the swathe of AIDS deaths which leaves widows caring for up to 20 kids in one household . For while these people undoubtedly have tough lives , they are not limpid beggars with their hands outstretched . They have pride , dignity , laughter . Their children go to school , even if it is under a tree . They work their farms , hard , every day . The women sit and twist each other 's hair into elaborate styles and gossip about their neighbours . The men sit and gossip about the women . The rhythm of life is the same here as it is the world over . And yet it is not the laughter or the gossip which sells , but the hardship and the illness . And that is the way of the word . * Disclaimer - I am not saying that all Americans are stupid . Far from it . ( Hello American friends ! ) But I would rather chew off my own toenails than ever work with that bunch again . I wish to speak with the scriptwriters of my life . I 'm sure I requested an Adventure Story , not Black Comedy . I am bleary - eyed from lack of sleep . The Bushbaby has kept me awake by cackling up in the tree at an eardrum - busting level all night long . When I walked into the living room this morning I saw what was making it laugh . We have recently acquired two cats , in an attempt to stamp out the wildlife that runs riot inside our home - the bats , rats , mice , voles , giant hairy spiders and so on . Unfortunately the cats feel that they must show off their captives . On the sofa , next to a cute and fluffy toy mouse , all tucked up neat and tidy next to it , almost like bedmates , is a real mouse . Well not so much real anymore , seeing as it 's dead an ' all . And missing its head . But that 's ok though , because I can see the head . Puked up all over the floor . We have a sweet old lady in the UK who likes to send odd bits and pieces to the schoolkids here . We just received from her a big box of teddies for the creche . Donations in kind have to be registered , so we 've got a record of incoming goods . I went to speak to the Man In Charge Of Records about the donation . I showed him the box and told him how many teddies we 'd gotten . He didn 't know what a Teddy Bear was . There is something incredibly sad about that . But also something incredibly funny about the fact that I now have a receipt for Teddy Balls . I don 't really need a box full of furry genitalia , I 've had quite enough body parts to contend with this morning . . . If I was actually from Mars , things would be easier , I 'm sure . I can now see why - in my previous incarnation as a copywriter - I was never employed on a well - paid government job , for I would surely have brought sense and sensibility to an arena positively proud of its utter incomprehensibility . Not following ? Welcome to my world . I am attempting to fill in a hideously written Self - Assessment Tax Return Form , which the British Government has demanded I do , or prison . Or something . Well , good luck finding me . Ironically of course , I have no income to pay tax on . But still , must fill in form or prison . Before I even begin the preliminaries I am instructed to gather round me supplementary pages . It might as well read ' suppositories ' , for all the joy this brings to my heart . Enclosed with all my taxy forms is a lovely big form which is supposed to help me . Except if I am using the Non - residence suppositories . Then it is officially No Good . Given that I reside in Zambia , ( or do I ? … ) I will surely be taking the NR ( jargon alert ! ) suppositories . The Non - residence suppositories have not been included in My Big Fat Tax Envelope . I must get them from the interweb . I am lucky to have the interweb , there can 't be many aid workers living out in the bush that do . While I am online I see that I can file my assessment by interweb . I am urged to do so , as it will be fast , secure and jolly good all round . I plough my way through the details , trying , and failing , to bypass the section for postcode , as we don 't have postcodes in Zambia . I make one up . Then I am told that my high - security access code will be posted to me . Yes , by old post . Not by zippy email - style post . So I must wait another six weeks for that to arrive before I can file online . Raah ! Jolly super , how fast and efficient indeed . I give up and try to find the correct NR forms . They are nowhere to be found . I am lost in the maze at Hampton Court Palace with no kindly guards to rescue me . You would think , on the original form , where it tells me to go get the NR SuI know you are probably bored already . Imagine how I feel . I have not filled in a single box yet , due to suppository searches . And now , before I can fill in the first bit on the first suppository , I must decipher which one of these I am : I do the absolutely FORBIDDEN and sneak a peek ahead at the section I have to fill in once I have figured out my residency status . Am I an EEA national ? I have no idea . What does this mean ? I am an Irish national , who used to live in the UK and a citizen of Europe . What is EEA ? Is it same like EU ? I am instructed to fill in my forms in either blue or black ballpoint pen . They will get it in purple crayon if that is what is to hand at the time I actually figure out what I am supposed to write . And like it . The Inland Revenue state many times all over their forms that they will calculate my tax for me ( even though I will pay none ) . What a great idea . No apples minus no oranges equals no bananas . This is what I am now planning to fill in and return to the Inland Revenue by carrier pidgwidgeon , with spangly stars on for good measure : Monday and Tuesday of this week are Zambian holidays , so I am alone in the office . Well , not quite alone . There are giant rats working in tag teams to strip the place of paper and it 's really wigging me out . Especially as I am trying to watch my Desperate Housewives DVDs . Water is already running out even though we 've just hit July . Normally we only need to ration come September , and rain starts again in November , but the drought last rainy season is having a knock - on effect . What water we have is a lovely brown colour and full of things . Twiggy planty insecty things . How can one possibly get clean in dirty water ? Luckily I am not dehydrating as we have both gin and whiskey to drink . It is also so cold I can see my breath in the mornings . It may be time for some hibernation . Chat amongst yourselves , or have a read elsewhere . . .
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So , we completed our first week . It was quite busy . Chemistry is a big hit - the kids love it , and they will look forward to it , and so it will be a nice motivator when the kids are not happy about doing work . I investigated a school program , and joined up ! Alaska has many homeschoolers , and so they offer some pretty good programs . I was quite resistant last year , but this year I took some time and looked into one of them . You can homeschool in Alaska without registering with the local district , and that 's what I did last year . But , my son needs some assessments in reading , writing and math . I think its dysgraphia ( learning disability in writing ) but , it might not be , or there may be more . So , by enrolling , I can get the help we need , perhaps . I will also get a bunch of money for curriculum , supplies , and a family laptop ! I have wanted to purchase a number of things , but our home school budget it a little stretched right now . I have nearly everything we need , but now I can go to Amazon , Walmart , etc . and get the things on our wish list . I can sign the kids up for private swim lessons too ! My daughter will need to take a standardized test this Spring , but that 's ok . I can do what I want with the results . She might get frustrated by this , but it will be a good experiment for the future . My son doesn 't need to take any standardized tests . So , we went to the doctor , and the kids got school physicals . We dropped off our registration packets , and tomorrow the TB tests will get checked and we pick up the physicals to turn in to the school . I have already begun spending some money on items . Rosetta Stone is on my wish list . I can download chapter books to our kindle programs , and I have ordered a music series - about composers . The first one is Beethoven Lives Upstairs . I also ordered a children 's typing program . We will start learning about New World Explorers this week in Social Studies . The kids will do many projects and create a Lapbook . We are reading about David Livingstone - a missionary to Africa , and Math , ReadiPosted by The war cry has gone out , " Nooooooooo ! No school tomorrow MOM ! " Yah , my kids are less than excited to start back to school . I think it will be an adventure . I will school with a toddler in tow . He gets into everything ! He is one busy kiddo . So , we will start back tomorrow , and I should be getting prepared , but I have zero time and zero energy . It will just happen , and I 'll fix it as we go along . My husband is away , I am exhausted every evening and lack the energy to accomplish much . I am exhausted during the day . So , I will put the coffee on , set the alarm , and crack open the books tomorrow . I have actually set up some stuff for Chemistry , so I 'm not totally unprepared . My daughter is 9 and a 4th grader . My son is 7 and a 2nd grader . That really means absolutely nothing . We just pick up where we left off . I get to do that , as their teacher . Goals for tomorrow : 3 ) Bring whiny and angry children downstairs , as they tell me how much they hate school and miss Summer . School day plus lunch and baby nap somewhere in there . . . . 4 ) Introduce Chemistry with neato lab , that my kids will actually love ( this is my motivator ) First , I tried to fit my sleep mat and baby 's Peapod sleeping area in the back of the minivan . Well , they didn 't fit . So , then I tried sleeping on just my mat with the back of the van closed . I am a bit too tall . Once I started to load up our gear , there was no way that baby and I could sleep back there anyways . So , we needed a new plan . The new plan was to borrow a tent ! We borrowed a 5 - 6 man tent from the MWR ( Morale - Welfare - Recreation ? ) Its a military service , and they lend out equipment on the base . I also borrowed a cot , and a few Thermarest sleep mats . So , we finished packing up and we were ready to go . The campsite was gorgeous . We drove down a dirt road in Pasagshak - to Surfer 's Beach . There was a creek , salmon berry patch and we were right near the ocean . So pretty ! The kids played while we set up camp . Baby loved it ! Guess what , the tent was extremely difficult to assemble . It was missing half the guide lines to the rainfly , and you don 't camp in Kodiak without a rainfly . It was also missing all the stakes for the rainfly . We made due , because my husband is creative . That night , we made a campfire , and we roasted marshmallows , to make smores . Baby only cried a little bit at bedtime . When I went to bed , I quickly realized that my camping mattress was awful . There would be no sleep for me . Oh , and the camp cot was terrible too , and unusable . It was very narrow , as well . Baby woke screaming at 2 AM , but of course I was awake anyways , because my entire body was in pain . It was raining in the morning . Also , we could not cook anything , because I forgot the propane at home . So , we made another plan . We drove home , about 45 minutes away , and I borrowed another tent from the MWR . This one was a dome tent , and sleeps 3 - 4 people . Then , I bought a BIG COT , seriously , this thing was huge , and a brand new Thermarest mattress at the local sporting goods store . We drove around trying to find various camping areas with the baby screaming . We settled on White Sands Beach , in Monashka Bay , on the other side of Kodiak . It was just as lovely here , at Monashka bay , and the salmon were jumping out of the water . What a sight ! Even the baby was laughing , it was so cool ! Everybody went fishing , and my husband caught three pinks , which he threw back . The BIG COT did not fit in the tent , in fact , had we actually fit it inside the tent , no one else would have fit . But , this tent was easier to put up . It had all its stakes and guide lines . Inside it was very cozy , but we all fit . My sleeping mat was awesome ( we all slept well , even the baby ) , and I was able to cook spaghetti , because I remembered the propane . In the morning , in true Kodiak fashion , the weather changed from 20 % chance of rain , to 100 % rain and rain all day . So , although we were dry ( husband put a tarp over our screen room , and it was awesome ) , my daughter was cold and unhappy . So , the kids hung out in the car . Baby feel asleep on daddy , for 1 1 / 2 hours . During this time , I loaded the car , and became a drenched rat . I noted that I needed better rain gear , like an actual rain coat and rain pants . I don 't actually know how I made it a whole year without these things . So , we went home . But , there was still fishing ! And , my husband and son each caught a pink salmon . Fresh pinks are ok ( not the best , most people just throw them back ) , they are what 's in your canned salmon . We grilled them up anyways . My son was so proud to have caught his first fish of the season . It was ok to be home , because , Baby came down with a fever . He is ok now , but it last 3 days . So there it is , camping in Kodiak , the Summer of 2012 . Phew ! I will try to get pictures up here , but I need to figure out my new phone . Sorry ! In a couple weeks , we will take a family camping trip . This will be my baby 's first experience , and I can hardly wait ! I didn 't go on the family camping trip last year , as by spring / summer I was quite pregnant . And , this will be quite different from the past years . Our Scamp travel trailer is in Kansas , at my in - laws . We have outgrown it by normal standards , but maybe we haven 't by ours . Recently , we found out that we can add cabinets about the bunk beds and double bed , for around $ 300 . And , my husband has researched some storage options for under the double bed / table to maximize our space . We plan to get a generator and a screen door too . We will either car camp , tent camp or put a mattress on the floor since technically our 13 foot Scamp has beds for four . But , alas , the Scamp is not in Alaska right now , it is in Kansas . So , these projects will be in the future . In the meantime , we could rent a Scamp , but on this trip , we won 't . Instead , we will do a couple test runs of camping , so that next summer , we can car / tent camp through Alaska and Canada on the ALCAN and beyond , to wherever we move to next . Hopefully , we will be able to travel to Kansas to get our trailer during this time . Honestly , who knows ? Its fun to think about , but the destination is still unknown . We move next summer , possibly about this time of year . We have our choices in mind , but its too early to tell where we will actually end up . So , back to the upcoming trips . We will go to a local beach , about 30 - 40 minutes away . The baby and I will sleep in the minivan together . My husband , son and daughter will tent camp nearby . I don 't really like sleeping on the ground , and the tent isn 't big enough for all of us . The plan is to remove the middle seat , move up the backseat and I will sleep in a bedroll in the back . My baby / almost toddler , in a peapod . Here 's a picture of each : My next purchase was a camp kitchen box . I tried to make one with ideas from Pinterest , but it didn 't work out too well . So we researched this camp kitchen , the Sherpa Camp Table and organizer . The These zipper pouches fit on the shelves . They hold a lot ! Pinterest did have great ideas for a Rubbermaid box and lid to store camping gear , and I have this nearly prepared . The idea is to leave the stuff inside the box , so its all there when we are ready to go . Then , there is the potty , hot shower and privacy tent . We 've used this set up before and let me tell you , a hot shower on demand will camping makes all the difference ! We also got a screen tent with a floor . These babies are hard to find ! But without the floor , its mosquito city . This is our second try . The floorless kind usually had more bugs in it than the whole campsite . What a waste ! This screen room doesn 't have a rainfly , so it might not work well in Kodiak . I can 't figure out how to add it to my blog , but I 've created a camp checklist . I will not be a crazy lady the night before our camping trip , and I will be organized enough to enjoy myself , instead of dealing with the anxiety of finding things and wishing that I had not forgotten some key items . And , we are just planning on a couple days . So , we will set up camp , spray some bug repellent , make a campfire , roast marshmallows , pick some salmon berries and hopefully catch some salmon ! What fun ! Then , in September , we will do it again , only better ! Posted by Its a couple days after Memorial Day , and most of our lessons are wrapping up . We 've completed handwriting and social studies . I just switched DS 's math program from Saxon 1 to Math U See Alpha . And , we will continue Math and Reading all through the summer . The kids are reading aloud to DH and I before bed , as well as listening to a chapter book and the Bible . I didn 't complete DD 's science , so we are doing Science this summer . We are so excited about this ! I found a couple great books - Squirts and Snails and Skinny Green Tails ( Diane Swanson ) and Where the Land and Sea Meet ( Kirsten Carlson ) . Yesterday , we watched a 20 minute video titled , " Life on the Beach Among Friends and Anemones " . So , Science will be about the seashore this summer ! We will read about it , and then go to the beach and do hands on activities . Today , we are going to learn about Intertidal Seaweeds . This will lead us into learning about snails , barnacles , and limpets . These creatures are primarily found in the Upper Intertidal Zone . There are three zones : Upper , Middle and Lower . Some of the lesson will involve tide pooling . So , we will watch the tidal schedule and hopefully walk the beach on some days with negative tides ( very low tide ) . When we lived in Northern Michigan , we had sandy sunny summer days , but no ocean ( obviously ! ) and honestly , I missed the sea . I love beach combing and hunting for shells . I love the salty sea spray . I love walking the beach . I have never been the girl who lays out on the beach . So , I will share the things that I love with my children . The best part is , I get to learn things too . And , I am learning that science does not need to be so formal . I plan to add on to our lessons as my children 's interest directs us , and enjoy the outdoors as we go along ( including the rainy days , and we will have many of them ! ) My daughter is going to participate in a couple camps this summer . The first is a half day art class - and the second , Russian Culture class ( folk dance and musical instruments ) . DD and DS will also go to Vacation Bible School . My DS doesn 't want to take summer classes , so he will wait for soccer in the Fall . Posted by So , it was a pretty good night . Sleep training , that was what I tackled . And , it wasn 't so bad ! This is not my baby . I have a baby boy , but this is what he did . Minus the thumb - he slept standing up . And , every 15 minutes or so , I 'd lay my sleepy , fussy baby down . He seemed to welcome that , although he really preferred to be held and nurse . I did nurse at 1 : 45 , 3 : 45 and 6 : 45 , but not until he was asleep . At 3 : 45 , he fussed for a whole hour , but we didn 't co - sleep . Tonight , DH will help eliminate the 1 : 45 AM feeding . And really , there will only be one left , as he got up for the day at 7 AM . I will attempt to decrease the time nursing too . Tatunka ! Tatunka ! DH was to go buffalo hunting today . He got up at 3 : 45 AM and drove with the guys , hauling 4 wheelers . The river was too high and they couldn 't cross it . One guy 's truck got stuck . Its actually American Bison . No Bison meat for my freezer . Too bad . Today , we will go to the Crab Festival . The kids and I went on Thursday , and they enjoyed the rides . It was so much nicer than the festival we went to in our Northern MI town , not the Cherry Festival - I enjoyed that , but the hometown festival that shall remain nameless . I always found it dirty and gross . I hated taking the kids to it . Very redneck , which I am not . The Crab festival is lots of fun and there is some nice stuff planned for the weekend . Posted by So , this seems to be the month to make changes and tighten up the loose ends . I am not filled with joy right now . But , maybe in June I will be filled with thanksgiving again . 1 ) Gave Scotty away . This was over two weeks ago . Why ? He growled at the baby . He is re - homed and most likely happy . I cried buckets . End of story . 2 ) Instituted the 2 hour grounding in the boring guest room for being aggressive towards siblings . This arrangement was designed after DD head butted DS in a public awards ceremony . ( Autism sucks , I am not going into the details here ) . 15 minutes of screaming and 2 hours of grounding has made a world of difference . No aggressive behavior for one week and counting . 3 ) DH has returned to grad school online . So , we see even less of him . He gets very little sleep , between full time CG work and school . This will go on for over a year or so . Hooray ! ( sarcasm ) 4 ) Thinking that DS is dealing with ADHD or a learning disability or both . I ordered a new Math curriculum and it should arrive today , assuming that the FedEx plane made it to the island today ( its rainy and foggy ) . He cannot sit still , he cannot focus on math and writing at the same time . He falls out of his chair , climbs on the desk , lays all over me etc . Writing is really really getting bad . During breaks , the poor kid is bouncing off the walls . I made him cry the other day ( not proud of it ) because , as he has told me , " Mom , I guess its ok if you are mean to us " . That 's right , I am a grouchy mean mom , and I have no patience . 5 ) Baby boot camp starts today . I really don 't need any advice from the non - cry it out camp . Because , I am heart - broken and co - slept for the last time with my little one last night . I have tried all the alternatives and read lots of baby books . This will be painful and exhausting for all of us , but it will work and baby will not be scarred for life . I made my other two CIO . I hate it . But , DH is ready to start sleeping on the couch and tells me that I 'm a zombie . True , I haven 't started to eat human flesh , but since I am " Mean Mommy " perhaps I should be listening to my BF and DH a little closer . ( ( Sigh ) ) DD was 4 months old , and DS was 14 months old . Since my baby is 10 months , I guess this is the right time . June will be better , I think . Posted by So , today is the one year anniversary of my move to Kodiak . I have been here exactly one year today , and last year at this very moment , I was driving my rental car into town to purchase some food and to see where I lived . My luggage was late , because I had gotten an earlier flight from Anchorage . It was due to arrive at 10 : 50 PM . I was in a fog , because I had just flown all day long . I was 30 weeks pregnant , and I was all alone . My family had begun to drive across the lower 48 on that very same day . You need to think about my shopping trip this way - I was an exhausted pregnant lady who was driving around feeling as though it were actually 2 AM , after a full day of travel , because I had just experienced a 4 hour time change . And , even weirder , the sun had not set . I know this , because the sunset is just peeking over the treeline , and I can see it out my window . It is just after 10 PM . It won 't get dark for a while . We have one year left . Well , a year and a bit . We probably won 't move this early , but later in the summer , next year . I don 't know where we will move to . I don 't have " the list " yet , and DH hasn 't spoken to the detailer . We like the Pacific Northwest . Technically , we are already in the Pacific Northwest , but I meant in the lower 48 . I really like the idea of moving to North Bend , Oregon . Or , maybe we will move back to Michigan . That would be ok , but not much of an adventure . Cause we 've been there , and done that . We could move near my brother in Southern CA . It would be so nice to be close to family . It would be so awful , because there are a lot of people , highways and crazies in Southern California . We could move some place icky , like New Orleans or Miami . I 'm not interested in going to those places . We could move some place dull like Elizabeth City , NC or Mobile , AL . But , we will probably end up in one of those places ( NC or AL ) eventually , so why go there so soon . But , we will move . We will move , because that is what we do . My little boy is 10 months old now . He started waving and saying " Hiiiii " it doesn 't really sound like hi , but that is what he is trying to say . He also said " Daddy " today , as he reached for Dad . He says " Woof " , " Dog " , " Mama " , and other stuff . He crawls everywhere , pulls himself up , and makes lots of messes everywhere . He bites my nipples , he grabs everyone 's faces , he pinches arms and pulls hair . He is a big ball of crazy fun right now ! We love him ! My daughter is identifying herself with Lucy VanPelt , from Peanuts . She loves my old peanuts comic books . I have a few dozen . They are old and falling apart . But , I asked her , " Who do you think you are like in these peanuts comics ? " Without hesitation , she told me " Lucy " . And , its kinda true . She is a bully to her little brother ( not the baby brother ) . It is really hard to deal with ! But , I am working on it . She is so sweet and also so crabby . She love chapter books and comics . It was hard to explain that in comics when you see " Sigh " in a bubble over the cartoon 's head , they don 't actually verbally say " SIGH " , but actually just sigh . So , my girl walks around when she is frustrated saying , " SIGH " to everyone . LOL ! My middle son is a lego superstar . He has built so many Lego star wars models . He is really great at this . He hates writing and its becoming a problem . Its not that he doesn 't try . Writing sucks the life out of him . I need to investigate typing programs . I already started having him dictate answers for his math worksheets , else we could do math for hours . He just moved into his baby brother 's room . I think he loves this . He has never liked to sleep alone , and always wanted a roommate . I am preparing for next fall - and making new plans on curriculum . But , we are still hard a work finishing up the current year . Lately , we 've read some great stories about missionaries . My son told me that when he grows up , he wants to be a missionary . I love that he wants to tell others about Jesus ! How awesome is that ? ! Currently , I am reading " And the Word Came with Power " about Joanne Shetler who translated God 's Word into the Balangaos language in the Philippines . She taught God 's Word to a village of head hunters ! It is a great story . Next year , we will learn American History . I plan to work on this for two years , and have the kids make lap books . We also are going to read some Living Books , and I have founds some wonderful curriculum that doesn 't have the liberal slant , as much of the history books I read in public school had . And , most of all , it won 't be boring . There is nothing fun about reading a dull text book about history . I didn 't enjoy history in school , but the last couple years my daughter and I learned some cool stuff together , and read some fantastic biographies and interesting books about ancient civilization . Science didn 't go very well this year . We used Human anatomy , by Apologia , and it was too difficult . I will revisit science this summer , either learning about the ocean / sea shore or birds . Maybe both . This is the year that I need to see puffins . We are in Alaska , after all ! Yah , its a mess . In the past , I have written some goals about using the flylady 's system to organize this place , but basically , I just get her many emails each day and delete each one without reading them . Somewhere , I read about " Blessing others with your messy house . I am trying to relax and still welcome friends inside , even though its cluttered . The idea of blessing others with your messy house , is that if you welcome your friends inside without it being perfect , they will feel blessed , because their home is not perfect either . Instead of her thinking , " Wow , I wish my house was this nice , how does she do it , and why can 't I keep my house like that ? " she will think , " Wow , my house really isn 't so bad , is it . This place is a dump ! There are three bags of trash in the kitchen . That dirty laundry mountain is taller than me ! " Only , I don 't do well with my home cluttered and messy . That is the issue . I am compelled to clean it up , instead of doing necessary things . And , what are the necessary things ? My priorities get muddled , and I become lost in lists and schedules that I cannot complete . I will clean , instead of doing school . I will do dishes , instead of food shopping . I will pick up Legos instead of doing laundry . I will take out the paper plates , and not do the dishes , because now I must wash diapers . I forgot to wash the baby 's diapers and well , they stink , and the baby needs to wear diapers ! The wash in the washer needs to be re - run because its sat there wet for two days , and has a funky odor . It all gets messed up in my brain . I don 't remember to delegate chores to the kids , because its all too overwhelming . I tried to hire a 12 year old as a mother 's helper . But , she made the volleyball team , and canceled on me twice . It never happened . So , I am just pushing on alone as I am accustomed to doing . My girlfriend offered to help me . She has 4 kids . She suggested that she 'd watch my three and I could food shop alone . But , she mentioned , " Well , maybe when you are out , you could buy me some more toilet paper ? The Posted by Today , Tristan and I joined some ladies for a baby wearing meeting . It is a group of ladies who wear their babies in wraps . I was the oldest woman there , and the only one with more than one child ( since I have three ) . My baby arrived sleepy and I wasn 't sure if I wanted to pick him up and play dolly with him . But , the other babies were toddler , so he fought his nap . I did not " wear " my other two kids . Sure , we put them in an outward facing carrier for walks - and later in a framed backpack when they were bigger . But , this is quite different . Baby wearing is interacting with your infant / toddler , keeping he / she close to you as you go about your day . These kids aren 't " stuck " in the wrap all day long , but its a tool to keep them smiling , instead of using the playpen . I do use some other " tools " . I use an exersaucer and a jumperoo . They are safe places for my baby to hang out while I am nearby . But , I also use this really long blanket to wrap my little one , and carry him around while I go about my day . DH also wears the baby . In fact , baby is taking a nap in the woven wrap right now ! I went out shopping with my daughter , and came home to a sleeping little one , so content , near his daddy 's heart ! These women know a lot about baby wearing . One of them , must have had over 25 different styles . I could not imagine that - I have one . My first thought was how versatile it is . I can wear my baby on my hip , front or back . I learned today how to wear him on my hip . It was really really easy . I cannot throw my child over my shoulder and wear him on my back - yet . But , one day , I will . There is this awesome wrap called a Mei - Tai . I am in love ! I borrowed one of the mei - tai carriers to try , and I WANT ONE ! It was so easy to use , and I can see myself using it to wear my child on my back . Here is an example : I am working on a bunch of plans , in my head . I 'm not sure what I will tackle first , but organization is what I have in mind : 1 ) Chore list - there is an app called irewardchart , and my friend is using it with her family . I own an ipod , but it must be updated , as it was my DH 's . I have never added any apps , and always forget the charge the thing . Anyways , its an awesome app , where the kids earn points toward rewards ( bowling , candy , lego starwars on the PS2 etc . ) and the points are for helping me around the house . They already know how to help me , but I am terribly disorganized in enlisting their help . So , yeah , the rewards app might be awesome . 2 ) Flylady - she is the queen of organization . Seriously , this woman is awesome , and I have used her program before , but need to return to it . It is a very efficient way of keeping your home organized without spending your entire weekend cleaning . Its a less is more theory . Less stuff , not less cleanliness . 3 ) Baby schedule - Hahahaha , I am laughing at myself . I sort of have a schedule , but I nurse the baby on demand , so its a very flexible schedule . Now , I have added a couple meals in the high chair , he takes about 3 naps a day , and usually goes to bed around 8 PM . Except for the nights that he doesn 't , so he takes a late nap ( often 4th nap ) and stays up till 10 PM . And , then he wakes late , around 8 : 30 AM , instead of 7 : 30 AM . So , it gets all messed up . But , the real issue is nighttime sleep . 4 ) Nighttime sleep - perhaps I 'm ready to do some sleep training ? Baby wakes up a lot . Like 5 - 6 times per night . It is honestly hard to function on this kind of sleep , but I am not planning to Ferberize the baby ( cry it out in intervals ) , well , not yet anyways . It worked with my oldest . I don 't recall what worked with my middle one - but , I still like the sweet 3 AM smiles , so I 'm not sure that I 'm ready for this task yet . 5 ) Home school schedule - ultimately , this would require me to be using the flylady . net system , and have the baby on a schedule , because every day is really different . SomePuffin I really like writing down my thoughts in this blog , but I am not here too much anymore . I suppose that is a natural consequence to having a third child . I actually do get over here occasionally to write , but I rarely finish my thoughts , as there is little privacy during any part of the day or night . So , here is an update on my current life : DH is learning to survive in Arctic weather . Seriously , he is outside in - 27 degree weather for the next 2 - 3 days . Somewhere outdoors in the wilderness , he is setting a snare , and attempting to catch and eat a bunny . He will build a shelter and big big fires . I sort of know where he is , but that 's for me to know and for you to . . . . oh don 't worry about it . Does it really make a difference to you ? My daughter is currently obsessed with Geography Songs . She and her brother have been learning the countries around the world through song . Its really fun ! It is actually not so fun anymore . Why ? Because she and her brother play this CD over and over for fun , ALL DAY LONG . When they are not playing the CD , they are singing the songs as they go about their daily activities . Don 't get me wrong it is wonderful that they know all these continents , oceans , countries , islands . . . . She has made some great strides in reading , and now reads " in her mind " on her own time . Her current favorite is " Calvin and Hobbs " which are her Daddy 's comic books . Don 't you judge me - yes , comic books . They aren 't " chapter books " . But , that is better than reading the free baby magazines that I received in the mail . My son is kinda in the whiney stage , but I am told that this is what sometimes happens to the middle child . I am trying to be firm but patient , and give lots of extra hugs and love . He really likes this game we got for Christmas - Pictureka . The cards are very funny . He really really likes to play games of all types . He spends lots of time with his dad playing board games , when they are together . Risk is a new favorite . After all - who wouldn 't want to rule the whole world ? My little guy is 5 1 / 2 monPosted by
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In the Taurus and Libra love relationship , both of them value peace , harmony , and balance . This common ground can help smooth over an otherwise rather unlikely combination . Both the Taurus and Libra are sure to appreciate the enormous amount of time their partner invests in the relationship . Mutual respect and tolerance is important in order to make this partnership work . The Taurus man is a bit of a slow learner and his actions are also delayed due to the long time he takes on deciding on things . But when he has truly learned a lesson it is etched deep into his mind . While he is known to display a level of fierceness that can be staggering to behold , the great majority of the time he is cool , quiet , and serene . He is a gentle , tender and protective lover and once he decides on winning a woman he can go to any extent to get her love . His sensual nature is vulnerable to the beauty and fragrance of his damsel and he conveys his love both verbally and physically in a right way . A Libra woman is the very portrait of soft , elegant femininity , bestowed with incredible social skills and is notoriously charming with an angel like smile . Her social talents are paired with a sharp , logical mind . People readily open up to her , and she can come to understand their feelings and motivations fairly easily . But at times she can be unpredictable and frivolous , which can land her in complicated situations from time to time . In a relationship she usually proves to be a perfect match for Taurus man because she gives him the supreme power and stays beside him to love and support his all deeds . A Libra woman is a true mate for the Taurus man as they both have equal sense of responsibility in the relationship . He can often fall into introspective brooding , and his Libra female is the perfect companion to pull him out of his melancholy and lift his spirits . She has a way of instinctively understanding his feelings and needs , sometimes even better than he does and uses this understanding to artfully show him the lighter side of his situation . She makes her Taurus male feel comfortable and takes up with work if needed . There are various phases she may go through where she is actively involved in the social scene or the community , which can be overwhelming for the Taurus homebody . Fortunately , she displays a high level of balance where she prefers to lounge around home with her lover and relax , which Taurus is more than capable of coping with . The Taurus man is basically a very loving mate for Libra woman who makes her feel special every single day and can turn all her dreams into reality and generally proves to be a blessing for her restless spirit . He gives her the desired freedom and once the trust is completely built in the relationship , he has no possessiveness issues . His respect for authority and convectional behavior are usually admired by her and she stands soft in his arms with a feeling of truly loved and protected . Slow in making decisions , he is reluctant to settle on any issue until he has been allowed all the time and information he needs to make what he considers the best possible choice . This may make her feel slow of him , but his wise decisions though taken over long time are appreciated by her to the core of her heart . When the stable Taurus man and proactive Libra woman cease themselves to the unselfish devotion and service to each other , they create a magical bond which lasts forever . She brings out the truly romantic side of him , a part that has always been there but that he may not have been comfortable expressing with other women while he provides her with everything she had in her dreams since she was a girl . There is a deep , playful affection between these two , and they can bring out good sides of each other that too often remains hidden in the dark . As their mutual love and understanding increases , the Taurus man can get a leash on his possessiveness and Libra woman can convince him of her dedication to him , and then they enjoy a powerful and lasting bond together . The sexual drive of both the Taurus man and Libra woman is quite strong . They share a very similar approach to romance and lovemaking . The warmth and reliability of him makes her feel safe and loved in his arms while her delicate style and soft gestures brings out the most erotic behavior of him . She requires the outward display of affection , and knowing that he isn 't much for words revels all the more in his physical expression of love to make up for it . The physical mating of these two is often very powerful . They both finely blend eroticism and affection to achieve total fulfillment together . Both are sentimental and appreciate aesthetics in a way that most others can 't begin to grasp . It usually kicks off with just kissing , long and sustained kissing - eventually leading to some tongue action , which itself becomes rather intense . They find something special about exchanging tongues , playing around , wiggling and squirming one 's tongues around each other . For these moments , everything is so wonderful ; everything is as good as it could be . Time seems to stop . It feels so incredible , so blissfully at peace , so entranced and euphoric There are some very striking differences between the Taurus man and Libra woman and one of them is their ability to make decisions . Taurus man takes his time in reaching a given decision , but once he has he holds true to it with uncanny conviction while the Libra woman changes her mind all the time . She can 't help but see the world through a wide array of lenses , and shifts her mentality on a regular basis as she learns and witnesses new things . He views this changeability as fickleness and considers it as a weakness . When she decides to embrace her inner social butterfly , he can often grow possessive , which is a major turn off for her . She prizes freedom and equality , and resents any restrictions because she wouldn 't dream of placing them on another . However , she can usually smooth things over in the end , if that 's what she decides she wants her Taurus man which she usually does . Ifeanyi April 27th , 2017 Actually , Libra woman Taurus man relationship can be the unification of two halves of a whole . Actually , Taurus woman and Libra man are thought of as being karmic ally linked . Both love to woo and be wooed . Thus , courtship will be a necessary component of any romantic union and since both have this need , they fit well together … See http : / / www . allaboutaurus . com / taurus - man - love - compatibility / taurus - man - libra - woman / when in love with a Libra women ( or any women ) you will know , even when he 's silent . Some think a Taurus man goes after his love just like a bull . . He does ( in the beginning ) but then may hold back " in the bull ring - stomping his foot ) holding back , working out his next move ? And he needs this time to make sure he makes the right move simply because the alternative is possible death ! As a Taurus it really is possible . In a relationship he holds back and observes . . Because when he bolts theirs no going back ! It 's do or die ! with a Libra women they gel on everything that 's beautiful . music , fashion , the arts in general . . They both " feel " it all on a deep level . . They are both moved by the beauty in everything different and see the beauty / story behind it all . they both thrive on passion , everything is so much deeper . They feel like they knew each other from another dimension . . both their feet are stuck in the sand , threading water . . And sometimes they become stuck in same . their passion is so raw it feels to good to be true ! He adores her soft sweetness . She adores everything about him . She teaches him things about himself and the world around him that makes him reevaluate everything he previously thought he without a doubt ( steadfastly ) knew . He is so rigid that only Libra women can bring out the softness within him that he didn 't know he had . He adores that about her and he loves nothing more than to relish in her arms 24 / 7 . This is where problems can arise . She adores him , he feeds her body , mind and soul . But , she wants to take this out of the house . He is content and wants to relax with her after a hard weeks work . Whereas she wants her man to show her off around town loving him only , he sees this as she wants more / something else when really all she wants is him . . he provides everything for her . . In the early days he may push a libra women away if he feels he can 't meet her glamourous status . . Yet the little things he does is enough for her somewhat . . But she will get bored while Taurus man is sorting their life together out . . She might unaware that he is even doing this and feel neglected . . But when Taurus man is ready and / or comes back once he realises what you want and he can give you it all ; he comes back charging , you 're his ! He usually has the best of the best in life and libra women deserves it all , just from the love she shows him . . She caters for his every whim all whilst looking her very best for her man , he is her absolute ! Just because of the love , passion and loyalty he shows her when this man can attract so many others . . He is engrossed in her and she is a dream come true , which means he happy to stay home and relish in her breast . . She gets bored of this ! He is the race car driver and she is the movie star he adores . . No other women can move him like a libra women . . She can break this sensitive man as he is in constant awe of this beauty . when he retreats . It 's because he can 't find the words . . Silence means one of two things with a Taurus . . He adores you and you 've hurt him or he hates you . . Either way he adores you . Mirror a Taurus , don 't try to contact him . . Wait ( don 't pester him ) he will contact you if he loves you . . If you play it cool don 't be surprised if he ignores you again because he still doesn 't know how YOU feel . My Taurus showed up at my door . . Claimed me as his . That was too intense for this Libra lady … It also proved to be for him . . Like electric it burns or dies . . We were so passionate it scared us both . . Never feeling a connection like it before . . It blew our minds . Yet we are so crazy in love , so hes in his bull pen and I 'm being the godess that I am holding the red flag . Super charged connection . . Addiction to love each gives . . Lovemaking is super intense . . but he wants to cuddle all day while she wants to display their love ! he is led by ego . . Adores to be adored , if libra women neglects him , he will flirt with others . . But once in love he 'll be devoted that 's why he takes so long to get there . . The libra women is one he can 't resist , she draws him into her beautiful world , he is in heaven so much so when she leaves he dies . 1 . Taurus are hailed as the Lovers in the Zodiac circles . They truly are the most romantic guys out there on the planet abet a bit old - fashioned . But you may see them in the opposite light initially as boring , cold or dull . These are all illusions . Let him reveal himself as when the time comes you will fall down laughing , he is the most interesting mate there can be . And this is not just about one or two Taurus males but literally every Taurus male I have met has a terrific sense of humour but somewhat specific to his profession , likes and the dislikes . Approach the bull as a friend even if you both have feelings about each other . Taurus when feeling for you , will be hesitant to approach you and thats the problem . If he wasn 't feeling anything for you , he would approach straight - away if he needs something . If he doesn 't approach , take your chances ( its worth it ! you may not have to suffer as I have ) . If he is hesitant and controlled in his speech with you as opposed you may have noticed him with his friends in general , then he surely has feelings for you . 2 . Affections of the Taurus are only for his loved ones . He prizes and holds his affections in highest of esteem . Meaning you need to be worth it , to be able to get his attention and affection both . 3 . All that talk about stubborness and possessiveness vanishes when you can assure him that you are fully devoted to him . And thats very easy , just shower him your affections . Look into his eyes and assure him of your loyality . The stubborness , possessiveness melts away . In fact , he follows your passions more than his , to keep you happy . 4 . Scorpio and Libra are both perfect matches for Taurus . If Taurus has stronger water elements in chart , he would be leaning towards Scorpio and if he has more air elements he would be leaning towards Libra . Libra - Scorpio cusps are the best ( lol ! ) or libra tending towards scorpio or scorpio tending towards libra . Anyways , compatibility with Taurus can always be built - up unlike with any other fixed sign . 5 . Taurus - Libra are karmic partners , meaning one 's good phase automatically brings luck in another 's . Its like together they bring Venus elements of their charts into supreme power and importance . 6 . Taurus - Scorpio are the only two fixed signs which are halves of each other , making a complete whole . No other fixed sign is compatible with other fixed sign except these two . They share a very powerful soul - churning blessed relationship . The traditional Indian astrologers consider this as a made - in - heaven match . It is made - in - heaven until you let your ego ruin it . Just don 't let the arguments spiral out of control . But even if they do , don 't worry , these signs are zodiac magnets . If one 's north pole , the other 's south pole attract . The problem arises when both direct their same poles towards each other . Don 't worry the Taurus or Scorpio quickly realign themselves . After all at the end of the day , all things get sorted out in bed . 5 . The physical intimacy is mind - blowing . They are great relationship and marriage material . Just have patience . The rewards are greater than you could ever expect . 6 . Even if your Taurus is not financially well off at present . Stick with him . Taurus in love can achieve great heights . The added responsibility of marriage , fuels him to earn more . 7 . Finally to all Indian girls and women who read this , Taurus ka pick - up hi kamzoor hai , uska acceleration zabardast hai . ( Taurus ' pick - up may be weak but his acceleration is mind - blowing ) . Enjoy the ride . We did a lot of research on vedic astrology and compatibility before my Libra sister 's wedding . What we wrote is little bit of what we learned . Many of our friends agreed with our opinions regarding their experiences with Taurus be it their father , boss , or love . Reply ShreyaD March 14th , 2015 Hi there , you all social butterflies looking for some peek - in in your relationships . Taurus and Libra are both governed by Venus . The compatibility description both for my elder sis ( Taurus - Scorpio ) and me ( Taurus - Libra ) is very very spot - on . Forget anything you read anywhere else . Taurus stubborness and possessivenes , thats all bull * * * * . Yeah , taurus effect on me , rofl . Once you develop trust , all your issues vanish into thin air . Venus is Godess of Love . And love conquers all , we both are its proteges . I dated my Taurus for nearly just 9 months before tying the knot . Before that I had a hit and miss relationship with him . Its like we were destined to be together but just weren 't accepting it , specially myself ( not because of his looks or something , he darn hot and handsome but I thought we weren 't compatible . I was social bee , he was sort of a loner , latter realised he 's a one man army ! Take a bow my love ! With him in his best moods , you will fall down laughing ! Recently after marriage , me and my hubby alongwith our friends were dining , the restro manager literally had to plead with us to control our laughter ) . So I know it all about Taurus . Taurus man is pretty slow in courting ( not even sure they know what it is ) by Libra 's standards . He is the most scarificing man you will ever meet in this realm or any other . The only time the Taurus will leave you is only when you make him feel so and he will walk away as if he never existed for your own happiness . True love is in scarifice , I learned it from him . He 's a true gentleman , who will never betray you . From the very beginning I liked him very much , gave him many clues ( Oh God ! the bull never understood it ! Sighh ! Sooo sloooow ! ) . He did not respond so I thought he wasn 't interested ( I was wrong ! But how would I have known ? ) . Taurus has a tendency to fantasize in love . He kept fantasizing but never approached me . What most Taurus fear , as Dee also wrote , is the fear of rejection in love . Rejection in love breaks them , desReply serimanulusoy January 1st , 2017 What a lovely story . I hope I be happy like with my loved one , Taurus . I am libra too . I don 't him yet . Only from picture and phone . . I love him do much … . Reply ShreyaD March 14th , 2015 For all Libra women , out there , any relationship with a May - born Taurus is a blessing for life . Upbringing and education play a very important role in anyone 's life . So do societal and cultural environment supporting the institution of marriage . All those with negative experiences are probably with those born near Aries ( April born ) . Aries is quite aggressive , different from Taurean fierceness . Aggressiveness combined with fierceness is not a good combination . But May born Taureans are so harmonious and peace - loving creatures in relationships . They resist any sort of discord in their relations , and would not hesitate to apologize anytime if they feel that they have caused any harm to anybody . Sometimes even unnecessarily apologizing for no fault of theirs and are completely willing to change , though initially they are scared of that change ( they won 't tell you that ) . In any alien environment and atmosphere , they get a little tentative or uncertain . But within few hours , when they understand the environment , they regain their composure and back to their ' special comic acts ' . You may literally die laughing ! Those born in between and near Gemini , are specially hard to resist . Taurus man is the quintessential ' perfect ' sign for the institution of marriage based on love . My sister is a Libra and I am a Scorpio . Both married to Taurean husbands , May born . There something really different in May born Taurean males from the rest , the hottest season of the year makes them really hot but their inner core is icy cool . Talk about hotty cool guys ! Taurus man is a creature of habit . But the best part is that his habits which you feel are somewhat you know over the top , can be molded very easily if he is in love with you . From here on , my sister is forcing to write herself ( yeah , we are sitting together and having some fun ! ) . The next post will be hers . She ' done talking with her hubby . The next one 's from my Sis . Reply aborigin March 5th , 2015 Taurus man are an absolute cheaters . They have the highest sex drive , predators , ALWAYS looking for a younger woman ( say ; twenty years younger ) , long hair , sexy , they like a short woman . Taurus like different ethnicity ; Asian , blacks , and Spanish . If they are white ; they never like a white woman , if they are blacks , they never like blacks . They are looking someone that is completely unique like Aborigine or Ames type of people . Luxurious and independent woman will scared them away . They are looking a simple woman . One woman is never enough for taurus . He will have one gf living with him and he still can texting others while his GF sleeping or see anyone he likes later on . Taurus don 't measure woman from brain , or any security in life woman have , or any other quality of life , they measured woman from the look of their body : boobs , is number one , hair is priority . I have Taurus who is MD , and had another Taurus who was JD , both are very handsome and educated , they both have great friends and respected person , but in term of relationship or looking for a woman , they have no clue what they doing . They will find a woman with no class . as long as they are loyal to him , he will keep you so he can have another two or three to keep . My advise is : be like dady 's lil girl to say yes , being naive and ready to be control by him , or keep your hair long , lose your bra 's , empty / loose your brain , pretend that you are loyal , then you will get him in bed , other advise is : have multiple man in your life because you are not the best for him . The weirdest and the wilder 's is the better . They are very possessive is because they are cheaters . They are bit a piece of art . Good Luck . Like ( 1 ) You cant just tell libra women , bulls are not good for you based on your own experiences . My baby mama is libra and ive not once cheated on her . I might have seemed controlling at times but she made me aware of my negative attributes . Im so loyal to her im forever trying to be the perfect friend to her eventhough my chances are slim of getting her back after having failed to be that for four and a half years . i took her for granted but became obsessive . Now after she left me we talk and she lets me what i did wrong . It was simple . Be a friend at all times and everything else falls in place because we 're at peace . Im just now learning to not put labels or titles on our relationship other than shes my babymama / friend . i refuse to allow the lessons learned while i with her , to have been taught in vain . Like ( 0 ) It all started with a whirlwind kind of love . A week after being together , we decided to move together . It was bliss the entire two years . I was the princess . He cooks really good , so everyday when I wake up breakfast is served . He was the only guy my dad approved of . We didn 't have issues on the emotional side . The issue was … money . He couldn 't quite decide what to do with his life . He is a tattoo artist , painter , and a drummer . So you see he is a black and white artist . And him being Taurus it took him a looong time to decide . To cut it off … I decided to leave . It killed him ( figuratively ^_^ ) . I wanted him to make a stand without me in his life . I wanted him to get there for himself and not for me . I started dating but I always end up getting hurt . Those nights I 'd cry myself to sleep , feeling sorry for myself , just one call , just the sound of his voice comforts me right away . He wanted me back but my pride is stopping me . i already left so why go back when you already know the ending . A year after the break up , a year of broken hearts and hopeless men for me , my Taurus man has never left . He was just there watching me . Catching me before I fall hard , picking up the pieces of me . Now we are back together . I had to make myself worthy of him again . It was and still is the purest of love that I have experienced . No relationship is perfect . You know it is the right relationship when you bring out the best in each other . . without even trying . Reply oxygenx2o May 7th , 2013 If we taurians realy loves and cares for u we make the impossible becomes possible , " TIME " ( NO PROBLEM MAN ) we are vry patient as long as u share common interest , we tries to be thr for u always , we are vry concernative of our partners also vry protective , we like to spoil , so if your in a rship and not getting this level of attention from a taurus man then he doesnt loves u … We dont go the extra mile for persons we dnt love but we are vry caring and alot of ladies gets caught up with that … If your just starting a new rship with a taurus man if he is interestd as much hes always ready to pamper u and spoil u also vry responsive where communication is concernd , if not then u wont get much from him bcuz he might still be in a confused state and ull notice hes hardly finding tha time for u or one min he calln u like crazy then tha nxt hes ignoring u … Or even so he might secretly have 3 othr women on the side and likes u alot but is not sure if ur tha right one for him yet he still cares for u ! hmm … If ur rship startd off well then suddenly ovr the months or years and he starts drifting away from u then it might be bcuz hes now losing interest some way or the othr and in most cases its trust , librian women likes to flirt and are vry frendly ppl we taurians are vry jealus so we can get insecure vry easily and start being possessive and more controlling which is vry bad for thr rship … We may even start cheating just to get back at our partner or to ease the tension a bit but vry rear that happens bcuz we are more family oriented and we hate hurting the ones we lovesand cares about most … but funny enough not all taurus men are the same … . we all think differently ! ! ! Reply libragypsy April 29th , 2013 I 've been married to a Taurus for 4 years , and we had a baby last year . The key to keeping a Taurus interested is let them pursue you . Which isn 't hard since libras have charm . They need to be in control ! Sometimes libras takers charge and needs to step back especially if she wants to keep him . Taurus has to wearthe pants . Their main attraction is libras are a challenge , and keeps them on their toes . My husband chased me for two years , and he knew exactly what he wanted ( bull headed ) . To this day , I keep him wondering , his mind is on me . He 's so grounded , and Libra holds the paradox that he needs in life . Taurus loves a good mental stimulation and so do libras . Play off each other , because It 's a very playful relationship . We have a lot of fun . Light hearted libras , don 't fall into Taurus brooding and isolation . Keep him happy and carefree , That 's what attracted him in the beginning . Like ( 1 ) Reply lovehopefaith84 November 26th , 2012 I am a 28 year old libra woman and my most recent ex is a 33 year old Taurus male . Just wanted to say this article was spot on ! We were " seeing " eachother for a year and a half , even living together , but he wouldnt commit or call me his girlfriend . He refused lables of any kind . The sex was amazing and happened often , and he acted like my boyfriend in every way except claiming it . I did not put pressure on him for a lable , I let things happen at his pace yet he still managed to see other women behind my back . I knew about at least 4 women he was with while he was claiming to only be seeing me . I thought taurus men were suppose to be faithful ones ? was not the case here at all . But controlling , he definately was . I was drawn to him and hoped that things would work out if I just remained tough and held on thru the storms but after a year and a half , I called it quits and asked him to move out . He now hates me with a passion and we no longer speak . This was my 2nd taurus male that Ive dated , my first lasted for 4 years and cheated on me numerous times as well . He was also very controlling and possessive . I would say this is not a good match for Librans . Tho the connection is strong . . very strong . . its best to not even get involved with a taurus male ! ! I often found it hard to leave them once i was commited bc the connection and the love I had was so intense , i didnt want to lose it . Now , Im resisting and not getting involved with any more males that are taurus ! Like ( 0 ) Reply GodisLove May 29th , 2012 @ ocitrine the reason yours did not work is because you guys were born in the same year . . not compatiable … . . at all . . it does matter what their chinese horoscope is as well . . so please consider that next time you choose a man . . When you find that taurus man with also a highly compatiable birth year . . you will be a prize winner . . held on tight . . it 's rare … God Bless Reply GodisLove May 29th , 2012 I am a 28yr Libra woman , who met a 25 yr Taurus man . I met him over the net a few months ago . I can tell you , the first day I started talking to him he held my attention , more than any man I have yet to meet . And Let me tell you I am head over hills with him . . but Before we met , for the past 2 years I would not talk to any man that approached me in person or over the net , because I had made up my mind that I was not settling for anything and was gonna wait for the man I felt that was right for me . Prior to the 2 years I met another taurus man who is 37 now , he is a taurus rabbit and I am libra pig , btw so is the 25 yr olf a taurus rabbit . Anyway , when we met it was at a birthday party that I was forced to attend lol . He took one look at me , and was like you 're going to be my wife . He persued me hard , he was serious He went ring shopping for m , offered to buy me a car and a house … sound too unreal right . . I know . . top that we had an amazing time together and he was great with my kids … but I was still living with my sons father ( we were not together ) and wasn 't sure if I wanted to jump right into another relationship , so I was taking a long time to make a move with him according to him … whom btw suppose to be the slow ones . . he was moving rather quickly … so one day he got impatient and me up for one of our dates . . said he had something to do . . I was okay with it . . however I came by his place the next day to chill with him , and I went to his bathroom in his bedroom … and found cigerettes and hair pins in there . . then I washed my hand and threw away the paper towel in the trash and whoa a open condom … I 'm like wait a minute you don 't smoke and you don 't have no hair to pin . and yo the open condom . . we 're not sexing . . so I asked him and he was like oh my boys was over and they used my bathroom to smoke . . I 'm like okay but you have two other bathrooms in this house outside your bedroom … and I guess that 's their hair pins and condoms . . lol I just got my stuff gaLike ( 0 ) Reply ocitrine May 27th , 2012 I am a 28 year old Libran woman who married a 28 year old Taurean . We have two lovely kids . He 's really charming and very attentive towards me . I left my bf of 3 years to be with him . Everything about him just lifts my spirit . But alas , the man I married cheated on me with some other woman and even have a baby girl ! Worse is , he and this skank cooked up about him oweing the skank 's money and tried to extort me ! I left him ( after much searching around ) , moved to another state ( brought my kids along ) and now in the midst of waiting to sign the divorce paper . But I can tell you that ' you reap what you sow ' . I have heard from friends that he is not leading a happy life , going around borrowing money from other people … and never to be seen again . karma 's a bitch and luckily she 's on my side . Reply Heartbroken April 2nd , 2012 I am a 35 year old libra woman , I was with a 22 year old taurus man . ( I look much younger than I am ) . Absolutely amazing man , but he broke up with me last week because he says that he wants someone younger than me . But I dont think that I will ever stop thinking of him , I have had several serious , long term relationships , but I 've never met any man like him . The way that he would hold me in his arms , make me feel so safe and cared for , I cant even describe it … He broke up with me once before but then we were irrestibly drawn back to each other . I know because of our age difference it wont work long term , but I think he is actually my soul mate . I cant stop thinking about him and it feels like my heart is being ripped out piece by piece . I wish that I never fell for him , but I couldnt help it . He loves me too and he said that he would marry me were it not for our age difference . Why does fate have to be so cruel ? And I wish that he didnt care about the age difference so much , but he is from a different culture and it is a big deal in his culture . We had one final night together but I couldnt stop crying and he was crying too . FML ! When will this pain dissipate ? And I wish that I could still be with him , regardless of anything I dont care , I just want to be with him , thats all . Reply Moniquebonds5 December 13th , 2011 I am a 23 year old libra woman and i am madly in love with my 22 year old taurus boyfriend of 8 years . Although we have been together for so long we have had our share of ups and downs . In the beginning we were inseparable , but due to the lack of trust on the behalf of us both it has been very difficult to see eye to eye . I want more than anything for things to go back to the way they were , but his stubbornness makes it do hard to break through his tough exterior . Unlike him I 'm capable of forgiveness , maybe that 's where they 're libran balance comes in . I 'm capable of understanding why he has trust issues but how r we suppose to move forward when he 's not willing to let go . Well all i know is that i love my taurus , and i won 't stop until i have him back ! Reply breebaby November 5th , 2011 I 'm in a somewhat relationship w . A taurus male as we speak . Ummm its been about 4months since we 1st began talking to eachother . Well over that time we developed slowly but it all turned out nice . Although I am very confused by him . I 'm 18 & he is 19 ( young I know ) but he seems like he wants all of this relationship type things between us but he claims he doesn 't want a girlfriend ! He lost me there . I mean me being a libra I know what I want when I want it and I 'm determined to get it . But with him he wants to move super slow . And I am patient enough to give him his space really but sometimes it just makes me wonder is he really in to me . Were together almost everyday he kisses me wants me to lay next to him and everything but doesn 't want a relationship ? We haven 't had sex even thoug there has been countless times where it could 've happened but he never forced and I appreciate that ! He respects me a lot . And we used to talk on the phone ALL THE TIME now its seldom that we do . I 'm sooo confused . The other day we agreed to keep it at a friend level and yesterday when I saw him he wanted me to lay next to him while we watched a movie . I didn 't want to but I did anyway because he wouldn 't leave me alone . CONFUSED PLEASE HELP ! ! ! Reply karlasofia12 August 27th , 2011 i was dating a taurus man and i am the libra woman . i wish everything written above could have happened to us , but he left me without warning . and now im heartbroken . i think there 's someone else . Reply kacera63 July 24th , 2011 And he seems to have the same problem every man I date has and that is he does not know how to take responsibility for his actions . I have always known my faults and I have always been able to step up when I do something wrong or make a mistake in a relationship . I never try to find a way to make it the other persons fault by saying well I wouldn 't have done such and such if you wouldn 't have done whatever . I might think it but I don 't verbalize it . But I can never get someone to do the same . Its always my fault one way or the other . I thought getting someone older would fix that but no … He is not taking his time with the relationship at all , we met in the middle of May and before the month was over he was already talking about marriage . Now i know most people will assume its the age difference thats the problem he older and ready to settle down and I 'm to young and immature to want that right now but its not the case . I have no problem getting married young but I do have a problem marrying someone I just met . He thinks its because I do not love him and do not want to be with him which is not it i just don 't want to rush into anything . We have only known each other for 2 months and have never met each other in person but all he talks about is us getting married and having children . He wants to try and get me pregnant the first time we meet . I had just had a baby 2 weeks before him and I met and started talking but he already wants me to have his child . We already have 4 children between the two of us , he has 2 and I have 2 … . I guess what I 'm really trying to say is , WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM TAKING A LONG TIME TO MAKE DECISIONS ? ? ? ? ? BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO BE MAKING HIS RATHER QUICKLY ! ! ! ! Reply trancebrat72 April 21st , 2011 I was a 24 year old Libran who was inexplicably and deeply in love with my 34 year old enigmatic Taurus man . The physical connection was out of this world . Oh , MY , MY ! His aura was beautiful , and I felt so special whenever we were together , of didn 't matter that he we lived over an hour apart , he devoted every second of himself to me , protected me like I was his special precious creature that God created just for him . I am petite and he is 6 ' 2 ″ , strong , he was a heck of a powerful force to be reckoned with . We both loved martial arts , we even would wrestle around and he was ever so careful not to hurt me . Our relationship was in the " rubberband theory " phase , and his pushing me away after the bonding we created , was so tough on me emotionally . I wanted us to progress faster than he was willing and ready for , so he would break things off with me , just long enough for him to realize I wasn 't going to keep chasing him . I grew frustrated with his need for space , since we were not living together . I learned how important the concept of prudence with him was , but it didn 't make it less distressing for me . I had no idea he would never want to marry me , until a year later . I was young , foolish , and IMPATIENT . Fast forward to 2011 - I 'm now 38 & he is 49 yrs of age . I am STILL under his love spell . I found him on Facebook and contacted him . We exchanged a few messages , but I was not satisfied with the outcome . Though I confessed my love for him , he STILL refuses to admit that I was and STILL AM the woman . All he could say was that he could see the monkey on my back . How could he compare my feelings for him like some kind of drugly habit ? We have impacted each other so deeply . I understand and appreciate his peculiarities , as he did mine . He cannot deny what we had was the real deal . I saw it in his hypnotic colored wolf - like eyes , that would be gray one day , blue the next . I felt it in his gentle touch and his strong embrace . He now knows where I live and the ball is now in his court . I am now divorced and he never married . There is nothing more I can do … This BITES … . Reply Perplexed woman April 7th , 2011 Well I really wanted this to work , but it doesn 't seem like he 's interested . I 've been through enough emotionally and I can 't handle being pushed away constantly . I will say this , Taurus men are definitely special and one of a kind . I hope all of your relationships work out and I look forward to reading about happy beginnings to your future with your Taurus . Reply Manders April 1st , 2011 I am a 26 yr old Libra and been " seeing " a 32 yr old Taurus for about 5 months now . Things have been bumpy ! Its a constant battle of him pushing me away and then telling me he loves me and then pushing me away again . He wont call me his girlfriend and says that he will not be owned by me by claiming us as a couple because he was hurt by his ex and doesnt ever want to go through that again . I care about him deeply but I cant share that with him or he will push me away . When I just go with the flow tho , things are great and he is happy . He is very stubborn and set in his ways … Reading these really helped me understand that im not the only one thats had issues in the beginning with a taurus man and him taking things slow and not calling me his gf and such . . Thank you everyone for sharing your stories ! This gives me hope ! Reply Perplexed woman March 19th , 2011 Im a 29 year old libra and I started talking to a 23 year old Taurus in the beginning of January and we connected instantly . He would call numerous times throughout the day and then one he just kind a disappeared . I spoke to him a couple of days later then he disappeared again . He wouldn 't answer my text or phone calls . It 's just confusing to me because the connection was so strong between us that I thought this could be my husband some day . After him pushing me away I ended up going to see him because I thought he was going to be away for some time . He doesn 't talk much and he 's pretty mysterious but I feel very connected to him . To sum things up he said he wasn 't comfortable doing certain things in his home because of his families presence and things that had taken place in his bedroom . He said he 'd rather be in my home and that he wanted to come home ( my home ) which I understand having read about Taurus men . I only heard from him once since that day and he said he was scaring himself away from me because he messed up with me and my reply was that I at least wanted to be friends then he says luv u . I don 't know if I should take it seriously or just let it go . I 'm soo torn over this . Any input would be greatly appreciated . Reply Nicholas Bowen March 6th , 2011 well if he is anything like me he wants to be distant because he is hesitant about dating and showing his true feelings . We Tauruses like to be distant at times and are afraid of showing our true emotions so we keep them inside . Maybe he is just scared . Like i said above i tried to push her away but when i did i wanted her more so its kinda our minds workin against us . Maybe he is just not ready but u should talk to him or give him his space and time to tell u himself Reply Lilly February 27th , 2011 Oh and all that stuff about sexual attraction is true … The last time we were together , although nothing happened , was so erotic that I havent been able to stop thinking about it … Help ? … ( continued ) he told me to meet at a coffee shop and then he backed out and said he had a meeting he forgot about . Since I was close to his place , I grabbed my coffee and drove by and his car was parked there ! He basically didn 't go anywhere and state home but he was dishonest . Part of me believes I deserve this for blowing him off at first but now that I am interested he is being like this ? Funny thing is he contacts me ALL THE TIME … I can 't help but wonder if he 's just playing me along ? Should I give up and move on ? Reply Lilly February 27th , 2011 i met a Taurus man online and at first I was my attracted AT ALL and blew him off but then we went out and had a good time . He 's such a gentleman and he makes me feel like a million bucks ! ! ! The only problem is that he 's really into work and has ( technically ) stood me up several times . He continues to text and call me though , but we would make plans to meet and then he " has a long day and just wants to chill at the house " . I get so upset when I see this … Also , I called him one beautiful day and Reply Nicholas Bowen February 6th , 2011 I am a Taurus man who tried his hardest to push his Libran girl he met away forever but after i pushed her away i ended up liking her even more and it killed me . We then met again a year later and I realized she had completely changed me . Before i was hateful and a slacker going no where then after I pushed her away everything changed . We talked for a week and I asked her out and it has been amazing ever since . Reply Shonna February 5th , 2011 I am a Libra 25 yr old woman , married to my best friend Taurus 27yr old man . It was an adjustment for me at first . I had to adjust to an earth sign as oppose to an air sign . Taurus is a fixed sign who is grounded and settled in their ways of thinking . And Libra is a balance between different opinions or having open - minded thoughts . Once Taurus can open his mind to see Libra as a free spirit and a social butterfly without holding her back , then she will be more content . As a Libra woman , I had to except the fact my Taurus man has his set ways , and excepted them for what they were . He will also feel appreciated and respected , when Libra makes these special efforts to understand his fixed decisions ( regardless of her open attitude ) . Taurus men , take warning to the critical words you tend to take out on your sensitive Libra women ! Through the years in being with my husband , I learned his intentions were to try to help me with ( tough love ) . But , during the first when we were learning each other , I felt as though he was demeaning me with harsh name calling ! Taurus men , pay attention in wording your words carefully for the sake of not hurting Libras feelings . And Libras toughen up ! This is a match made in heaven , as long as both sides put in the effort to except their differences . Either one will get nowhere if they try to change their personal make - ups . In time Libra will teach her Taurus to open up and live in a world full of beautiful , and different types of people . And Taurus will keep Libra grounded enough to enjoy the simple pleasures of home . It 's a great combination and balance the Libra needs . I agree with all above comments . I am a female Libra and dating with a Taurus man for over a month . Although only a short month , we had a wonderful month together . He is absolutely caring , romantic , and passionate person . He and I enjoyed everything together . But the sad thing is that I recently found out he is married with a Capricorn female . He did not tell me until a month after . I read some articles online and said that Taurus man and Capricorn female are very compability in love and marriage . I did ask him and he admitted . He also admitted to me that he did not know why he is very attractive to me . But I still decided to break with him . I just placed myself in his wife 's shoes and I do feel very uncomfortable . The reason I am writing this to everyone is that I would like every Libra female understand that Taurus men are a nice , sweet , caring , wonderful , sensitive , and everything we need but if he cannot be here for females , that means to be . But Taurus man is absolutely wonderful . Now I have a new boyfriend . He and I still keep in touch as friend . I bring my new boyfriend and he brings his wife to meet us . We all have dinner together . I have learned that regardless the man does things always happen for a reason . If things do not work out in your relationship , it is not meant to be working . Pls don 't hate and judge someone . We all make a mistake . Reply Domenique January 10th , 2011 Am a 20year old libra woman with a 20year old taurus man . we been with one another for one year and sometimes its not all good . its always ups and downs with him . I love and care for him and he feels the same about me . He also says things that make me mad so i walk away . We always brake up and then a few days later he calls me or i call him i want it to work and he feels the same am happy i found him and that he found me . when we first started dateing we were 14 then broke up for 5years and never talked to eachother . I was sad and think about him and then he found me on myspace lol . So we started talking and want to see eachother so we did and now we been with eachother for a year and its been ok and not perfect is soon will be we need to fix a few things . Sometimes he says things he should not say bc it makes me mad but all in all i do love that fool . oxoxoxoxo Aways and Forever and love and faith Reply UnderCoverLover December 9th , 2010 Oh goodness , where do i start . . lol I am a 20 yr old Libra woman and have been dating a 19 yr old Taurus man for a year now , come Dec . 23rd 🙂 Thee attraction between us is truely amazing and I couldn 't ask for a deeper , more loving man to walk into my life < 3 He has sooooo much to offer me in the life we want together . So far this year has been filled with many tears , close to breaking up kind of arguements over some of his habits and stubborness , but somehow , it was always possible for us to overcome those bumps in the road . We know that we have countless differences and don 't always see eye to eye on some situations n most definitely have lived on the opposite side of the tracks from each other , but it just WORKS . Libra women , you gotta be patient , open minded , opinionated but suttle , be able to compromise on some things , give him space at times and know how to keep ur foot down when he starts goin thru his stubborn phase . Stay with him and give it a chance , cuz once you peel off those layers he 's truely a keeper for a life long companionship : ) : ) And i just gotta put this in there too , libra 's aren 't so perfect themselves . Make the right decisions and try not to be too careless or flirtacious haha it can be a bit difficult but TRUST , if you truely love the guy and he respects n adores you . . there 's no doubt you should make the decision to devote yourself to that man FOREVER … . We 're still a bit rocky but only because it 's the beginning . There 's more good than bad tho so it evens out you can say . The taurus man is such a romantic and only wants to give you his heart for the rest of his life , if he has chosen to stick with you through all the good , the bad and thee ugly lol Be strong librans and prepare yourself for a lifetime of love , happiness and luxury … Enjoy the ride 😉 < 3 Reply Gabby December 3rd , 2010 I am a 19 years old and I am a Libra . My boyfriend is 20 years old . We 've been together for 4 1 / 2 years are relationship at the beginning was pretty amazing i was very pleased . And now its kind of rocky once in a while but he is very nice but he is hard headed once in a while . other then the arguements everything is Okay ! ! we both always seem to work this relationship out one way or another Reply Lenne November 11th , 2010 I am a Libra and I had a relationship with a Taurus man . Fell in love with him , but he just wanted to play around , I guess . He said he had feelings for me but now has a Capricorn lady by his side . I am depressed . Reply Bernadette October 31st , 2010 im 23 Libra hes 24 Taurus we have our down times but that we make up for in bed . We have been together for 2 and half years the chemistry is still strong as when we first met . We almost have nthing in common and have alot of differences and yet we get each other and feel each others emotions its like with him he is my soulmate . He is jealous and crazy in love at times and thats all the attention a libran woman like me needs . Hes stubborn yet bends when i show him how much i care and love him . His posesiveness is a bit like a lose canon and can sometimes over shoot its point . What he doesnt know is that as much as he is possesive of me I would one day love to tackle my Taurus man down and tie him by the horns . . Reply c October 27th , 2010 very on it . . im a libra women married of 3years . . we are happy . . we do have our arguments but who doesn 't ? i trust him and i love him . . its a great relationship he trys hard to make me happy and vise versa . . 😉 Reply Jessica October 17th , 2010 i 'd really like a relationship with a Taurus man … maybe it 's just me , but the part about " prizing freedom , " and , " not placing restrictions " on others . Yeah , very untrue . i will be just as possessive , possibly even more towards my significant other and hope that they will cling to me as tightly as i do to them . Reply Hana August 24th , 2010 I have been with my Taurus man for 4 months and so far so good , I can 't comment more , because he is better than what I expected . He flew alllllll the way to Asia just to meet me , and we had 2 wonderful weeks together , and totally forgot about many many problems we had faced before our relationship began … And gosh , he is good in bed , lovely and has a kind of charm any girl would ask for … I didn 't need to say if I 'm thirsty , he would know it by himself . He is quiet but has the best sense of humor ever … OMG , I 'm sooooo in love with him … Ahhh … Reply Nikki July 9th , 2010 Wow , the truth to these comments ! ! Hopefully someone can kinda help me out ! ! ! I 'm a libran , who for the past year has been intensely flirting with a Taurean , 10 years my junior ! ! ! The passion , is just mindblowing ! ! ! I left my 8 year relationship because it was just so intense , we were hooking up quite regularly and I was fine with that , then out of the blue he goes and gets himself an Aquarian Girlfriend ! ! I was devasted , yet two weeks in to his relationship , he starts feeling me up and kissing me , and calls me the devil ! ! ! I 'm so bloody confused with this boy , but I 'm so attracted to him , arrrgh ! ! ! Any comments would be greatly appreciated ! ! ! ! < 3 Reply Bee777 June 29th , 2010 OMG ! Well , i have been with my taurus man for about 2 1 / 2 years . I was also in a 5 yr long relationship with a taurus man before him , with the exact same birthday and year oldly enough . But they were very different . He hurt me soooo very badly . But now i am with my new taurus man and he is a taurus to a T ! He is the most perfect man i have ever known . I love him with all my life . Of course we have our bumps in the road but we have such a wonderful relationship despite it all . We are like best friends who have sex and r in love with eachother ! Its great . But my ex taurus has been trying to get back with me for as long as me and my new taurus has been together . He has yet to get over me . But Im hear to tell you sandon … I too sometmes dont believe how much my man loves me because we librans often have low self esteems . No matter how gorgeously atttractive we are . We love compliments but when we get them we often question the sincerity in it . I think that if she never comes around you werent meant to be , but not because she 's a libran b . c librans and taurus ' are a great match if you ask me . We have a fair share of things in common and where we have differences they are like two halfs to a whole . You should find you another libran woman because we are awesome ! And so are you taurus men , thank God for you ! Good Luck guys ! Reply Jennifer June 13th , 2010 I have been with my Taurus man for about seven years . He 's wonderful and almost always is a comfort . Of course , he 's not as social . Sandon , I 'm not sure of your past or circumstrance , but if another opportunity was to present itself with a Libra , try attending a stupid Libra outing . You don 't have to engage completely . You can always sit and watch . If you do this sometimes , it will boost the relationship . Be happy , someone great will come along . Reply Sandon May 9th , 2010 Krystal , she had bad relationships , so i guess my stupid thing was worse then what it really is , Hang onto your guy and don 't let him go because us taurians love beauty . You librans are beauty to us . We don 't know it until it is too late . Do all you people seem to see the same thibngs as your guys or girls ? I was in absolute shock most of my relationship . I never said a word , i just couldn 't believe the things she said . I was over the moon , i adored her , i thought the absolute world of her and would have married her in a heartbeat . Things happened so fast for us . I believe because of the connection . I have never felt anything like it but now , i feel dead . I am sure if i wasn 't Taurian , i would have done myself in long ago . Us Taurians are strong though and our possessiveness is more protectiveness . We don 't want any of our loved ones to be hurt ever . I guess some things we see as our girl or guy getting themselvesd into trouble without them knowing it . I say it like this . To get to my girl or my children , you will need ten mack trucks , because you will have to get through me first . She was so beautiful , why didn 't she believe how i felt ? I thought she was in love with me , we had such a great time together . It was like a party everyday , just with each other . F my F 'd up life Reply Sandon May 9th , 2010 I dated a libran woman and unfortunately we parted . This has affected me deeply because i can see how perfect we were but she obviously can 't . She will never find anyone who loves her as much as i . I feel my life is over without her . She was my dream come true , i wish she knew that . To top it off read up on Oxen , both of us , she had a little taurian trait to make it even better . On top of that numerlogy her 2 me 8 , most suited of all numerology . I see it , she can 't now . All above is how we were . It was bliss . No wonder i feel so devastated . Freakin ' Librans , her response , Oh Well ! I love her for that but i also detest it . I love her dearly , now she gone and took my heart with her . More then 2 years i have been in distress and no other will ever match . F this ! Reply Krystal April 5th , 2010 After an abusive relationship . I met my Taurus and I am so happy being treated like a princess . Girl ! above me ! Give that man time ! Remember they don 't move fast ! Reply haifa March 29th , 2010 im a libra woman dating a taurus man for 6 months . im getting impatient already . i want a relationship with him already but it seems like he doesnt want me that much . i dont know . i just dont get him . i think 6 months is long enough . i feel like just being played around . i really like the guy . . sigh . . Reply Preita February 17th , 2010 Married my Taurus boyfriend of 3 years less than a month back … After a rocky relationship that had it 's moments , marriage is bliss ! I guess he took a while as he was ' deciding ' but as a husband I couldn 't really have asked for more … He surely takes his as a husband way too seriously !
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Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour . ( I have a total of six dresses . White , 2 black , 1 red and white , 1 green , and 1 blue and white . None of which are perfect for this situation ) A past juicy enough that you 're looking forward to retelling it in your old age . ( Check ! I might need to leave some parts out for proprieties sake ) The realization that you are actually going to have an old age - and some money set aside to help fund it . ( I need to pay off my debts and then save ) A skin - care regimen , an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don 't get better after 30 . ( uhm , okay . I will work on this ) A solid start on a satisfying career , a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better . ( nope . nope . Does friendships and family count ? Yes , I know . I will work on me first then on these , okay ? ) How you feel about having kids . ( If I can have some , I will . If I can 't , I am good with it . ) How to quit a job , break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship . ( check , check and check ! ) How to take control of your own birthday . ( this will never happen . My birthday is the day before the festival in my hometown . I can never control this . ) Come to think of it , I did quite good . Half is better than a quarter . And the fun thing is that I learned most of the stuff just last year . Who said 25 is a quarter crisis ? Once you get past it , it 's actually a very rewarding time in one 's life . Well , I won 't be 26 until this May , so I will work on greening all the other stuff on this list . ^^ Though # 15 should have is harder than the rest . T _ T , I hope I can get that crossed out before the deadline . ^^ Aja , fighting ! ~ Although I am still waiting for Laine 's revised work ( apparently she added some stuff to her old work ) technically BBBS is complete , or so they tell me it is . I have yet to put them all in one folder and read all of them one after the other . But I will do that starting the afternoon of February 1 and will be doing so until February five in the morning . I am not sure what is going to happen but I am not going to let anything get in the way of me finishing every thing . BBBS has become a lesson to so many of the writers in the group , old and new . It was a wake - up call for a call to arms . It will now remain as a constant reminder that sometimes the best intentions are not able to meet the expectations of so many others . But it wasn 't because of personal problems , which were forgivable , that the BBBS is going to keep a stigma . It was because of the lies and deceit that came with the process of making it . Things like this sometimes jump out of the pages of what we write and becomes a part of our daily lives . Sometimes it 's a character we believed to be real but is actually a pigment of someone 's bizarre imagination . All writers imagine a different version of themselves . Sometimes it 's necessary to walk in their shoes . But it is never alright to make this character disrupt the lives of others . In a novel that character is punished by fate or is discarded in the end . Real life is a lot more cruel than that . Real life has consequences and it has a very good memory . It can remember those who are false and rude as well as deceptive . Those people who live their lives in the here and now can make your life miserable if you are that kind of person . Making lovable bitches is never easy . Editing their stories would be hell for me . But I don 't care . I appreciate and commend all the writers and the people who started these stories . Because without them , there wouldn 't be any lessons learned , there wouldn 't be any justification to the stricter rules and once again we would be lax against those who abandon us in the middle of the fight . We hope that you would like BBBS once it 's out . I think I might not go home during the weekend for this . But hey , who knows , I might finish it in two days and that would be awesome . But very unlikely . My college bestfriend and roommate warned me against doing it . Another college bestfriend said that it 's okay as long as you don 't feel giddy . So that settles it . It 's not a bad thing to talk to my exes . It does make them uncomfortable sometimes that I seemingly forgot the pain or bitterness that they might have put me through . One of them continues to carry it like shackles . I don 't take it personally since he carries a lot of weight around that doesn 't have anything to do with little ol ' me . So I figured it 's just his personality and mine lightly clashing when it comes to the idea of letting go . Because in my case , over the years , I have learned that you can let people go . But you don 't necessarily have to strip yourself of the happiness or the happy memories that they brought into your life . Isn 't that were most couples and exes end up ruining everything ? They believe or feel that if they still think of the other person fondly , that means they are not over their romantic love for those people . I am believer that love is never gone , it 's like an energy that is dispersed and changes form or kind . I learned in SciMath club that energy is like that . So since Love for me is an energy that can do so many good and bad things , it can also be dispersed but never really undone . I talked to Mark this morning and the day before that . There were things that I asked him that he couldn 't answer very well . We are not on the same page after all . Somehow he is still in the last few pages of the chapter that had me and him in it . He keeps it thumbmarked and he goes back there frequently even as the pages of the rest of our lives are being written . In my case , I just try to remember what is in my head . I don 't go back to read everything . It 's called selective amnesia , I think . ^^ I don 't remember the times that I cried or was depressed over everything . I remember the lessons that I learned and that the most important contribution that Mark had in my life is to merge my hopeless romantic self with my rational self . I was a cynic despite being a former hopeless romantic . I thought that if a person chased after the idea or the ideal guy then she is doomed to ignore all other worthy lovers . So I tried to be an altruist . But now , like I told him , I find myself the right amount of ready and practical . I am ready to love and ready to do what must be done to keep a love strong . I asked him if I would 've made a good wife had his circumstances been different . He said yes . I knew he would say yes . I was afraid of those answers before but I knew he meant it . Of course he said that it was mainly because he would probably gonna do every household chore since I suck at doing them . I literally laughed out loud at that one . It was probably true . I told him that I would have made him a really bad wife since that time I was really immature ( still kinda am ) and I didn 't know how to love people correctly . Yes , I am honestly saying that , even after all I put myself through , I am convinced that although I loved all my exes very much , I didn 't really love them the way I wanted to truly love them . We talked about how I should follow what my mom said and my fears that if I work in Batangas , inevitably , I would see a parade of men who my relatives think is good enough for me to marry . I told him about it and his old self kind of came up . He still feels a bit defensive when I talk about the future that I would have with someone else . I don 't assume that he still loves me the way that he did but I think that he clings to those memories because for him he was really happy during those times . So much so that he basically elevated those memories to something that seemed to have happened inside a dream . I don 't really know and I don 't want to poke the dragon all that much . I can say as much as me wanting to find a guy just like him minus the drama and he says there is only one like him . I believe myself to have a type in men . It 's just that my type of men almost always turn out to be liars . So I want the guys I met before their good points and some tolerable bad points to merge with honesty and offer me that man as an able - bodied member of society . Cooking and fighting skills sold separately . I really don 't want to be the kind of woman who only talks to my exes when they are already paired up with someone or they are already dying . I want to forgive them way sooner than that . I want to share my life with them without having to explain to anyone why I feel justified to be friends with them . Because these people , regardless of what they did in the end of it , made me feel human love . They were those , who saw me without any mask . Even my friends see me wearing a mask all the time . I was stripped of all that when I was with them . Although I will never trust them with my heart again ( yes , I am unforgiving in that sense ) I know that I can trust them with secrets and even to tell me when I am making an ass of myself . They knew a different me from who I want to be or who I am now so I know that they can tell the difference . And because they were lovers in the past , then can tell me what I did do right or wrong when I was still loving them . That is something not even my closest friends can come close to being experts on . I will always love the people that I loved before . But as a student of Love without being with that person , I have graduated from thinking that the impossible can be done through love . Love is an energy and it has many limitations . The vessel from which love comes from or stays is also limited and frail . So I can 't play with this energy and my vessel of energy but trying every frequency or wave . I need to open it and wait for the right voltage to hit me once again . Like Mark said , like all my friends and well - meaning strangers said , " it will happen if it 's meant to happen " . I am still young . ( and even if I wasn 't ) I should just focus on making a better me then he would come along and figure something that the others didn 't . That I am a keeper . I am surprised that my life has taken a bit of nosedive since August . I find that my weekends are either spent trying to avoid errands that have piled up over the week or actually doing them and feeling more exhausted than I am on a daily basis . I took this job so I don 't have to do stuff after work . But I find myself needing to do things after work since they pile higher and deeper during the day . It doesn 't help that I can 't really downgrade myself to a level that is average as compared to the others who are working with me . Surely they are excellent people and I am getting along with them better and better each day . They have their own way of encouraging me to be less passionate about my frustrations about work . But I also find myself being the typical UP BACA that I am . It 's just not possible to unlearn all the things that I remember from school . Now I understand that I really got a lot from my education . I love my parents for it and I genuflect to my teachers and mentors because of their talent in molding fleeting and erratic minds like mine . Being a UP graduate made me innately competitive . I realized it just now . Even when we try not to be the best of the best , we still end up pushing ourselves beyond the limits of others . An online friend who is also a like - minded individual had questioned my goal of staying under the radar . I guess I didn 't learn enough from TL H as to how to make people think that you have absolutely nothing to offer than a bit of your wit , . enough to just do your job . I think I would just have to suffer through the numerous classes and the weird distribution process that they have over the work that they want us to do . I just wished that I didn 't like teaching English as much as I did . Otherwise , I would have taken my mother 's insistent offer to make me work in Batangas . But for my sanity 's sake and for the love that I have for my family and friends in backwater Batangan , I really can 't go back there to live the rest of my life being someone 's assistant or something like that . Not that there is anything wrong with having a decent job with great benefits . I like this job . I just hoped I had HMO to cover the possible complications of a schedule that left no time to pee and excessive rapid typing that never quite as fast as my mind . I need to stop whining and just suck it up . I am an adult after all . And this is my job , this is not child 's play . I have a 40 , 000 debt to clear in my mom bank . I have to save up for my future as a possible spinster . T _ T I have to get glasses , an obgyne check - up , visit to my derma and a gym membership . Those things won 't pay for themselves . My rent and living expenses also beacon . But as for my social life , I can 't risk going on a leave just yet . I am sure my friends would understand that apart from weddings , christenings and funerals , I am a financial hermit . Disclaimer : All men , ignore this post . You have been forewarned . I was supposed to go to a OBGYNE ( if I could find one ) during the Lunar New year vacation to get some stuff checked out . But since I got my blue day now , I can 't possibly do that . So now I just have to check if this thing is going to regulate itself . It 's really unnerving that every time I find the time to get things checked out , something comes up . The worst thing is that I didn 't include this to my already dying budget . So I have to ask my mom if it would be okay to lend me some money again . At this rate , I would never be able to pay her off and I would probably never get to follow the other things that I want to do after I am fully independent . It would be easier to count the months that it would lapse since it happened in January . And it 's possible that this is a good sign . Who knows , it might be a result of not smoking too often . If so , then I might just give up smoking altogether . ( But then again , I smoked a horrible cigar like cigarette a few days ago . Maybe that was trigger . Ew , if it was that . I hope not . ) I am sure my mom would stop worrying ( at least for the time being ) that I am pregnant . ( Seriously mom , me pregnant ? I would no sooner become a boy . ) I don 't get dysmennorhea . In my entire life as a bloody mary , I have experienced it twice or at least thrice . The last time I remember , Mark was there and he put hot compress over my abdomen . ^^ I never want to have that experience ever again . T _ T , I have a low threshold for pain . The least that I experience is a little bit of a pinch and that 's it . ( wears armor since women are throwing things at her for saying she doesn 't get cramps ) But like Rein said , stop looking for it and it would come to you . Look , she was right . ^^ Now , if only it applied to a man and not mens , I would have been happier . It 's been a while since I 've talked to my friends about my life and my past . They remember me as this girl who was a bit of a manhater but could get a man on his knees . * blushing * I was always declaring that I would never get married and all that . I probably still won 't but now I am not entirely against the whole idea of getting hitched . And that , ladies and gentlemen , is the hardest man to find in all of Earthlinglandia . Present a man to me and I am sure that I can make him tell me a lie in no time . People lie constantly . Even the best of men hide the truth in order to spare the feelings of people that they care about . I am a firm believer that the reason why I have become as blunt and socially awkward was a result of my many years as a pathological liar . But I have worked out most of my issues and have become an even worse version of who I was . I became a person who wants to be blatantly honest . I lie to people I don 't like or don 't care about . But for the most part , for the people I like and care about , I tell them the truth . I am sad that my friend , who has been hopping to find a real and lasting love , had her heart broken by a man who didn 't realize how wonderful she was until it was too late . Or maybe he hasn 't realized it and is still thinking that he is better off without her . Who knows how jerks operate ? I might even consider being okay with the wedding movies addict over the new less marriage positive her . But like how I was before , I thought , why would it be a waste of time if one is having so much fun . I admit , I had a lot of fun being in love with all of my exes and playing with the other guys we met in college . But I don 't want her to wake up one morning like I did and wishing that she had found herself a better suited person . But I like the one she is with now . I just don 't know how well they suit each other . I want her to be safe and happy . But those two things don 't always go together . Adventure , danger is always associated with adrenaline rush and excitement . It seems a lot more fun than just being at home blogging about a life that has nothing in it . I have always said that Boredom would be the end of me . But somehow , I find that it might not be as bad I supposed it would be . I have every plan to be a good partner for that honest man that I would find , if he can be found . Otherwise , I would not be as lost as I was before . I won 't be afraid of love and commitment . Just a little bit , the normal kind , the one that can be overcome easily with the support of another person , that honest man I was talking to you about . You are not a bad person if you lie often . If you are following your true nature , then it is not a crime . As for me , I will try to lie to myself less and less so I can have a better more honest idea of how to live my life to the fullest . I have been a hot ball of stress lately because of work so I haven 't been a happy camper . I have been asking friends for advice as to how to relieve my stress . I got zen , prevy and even really sound advice from most of them but they all required too much time away from my work . I needed something that gave instant gratification and loads and loads of happy thoughts . Since writing has become a chore as well , I couldn 't go to that when my spirit felt mutinous . I forgot something that I have been doing since I learned how to use a betamax . That watching something cute or funny makes me feel better . Always . I remember going to watch a comedy movie right after an upsetting day and laughing till I forgot that someone fracked up my entire day . I was already a graduate at that time so I could afford going to the movie theater on a whim . I had a better paying but extremely stressful job back then . I stumbled upon this rediscovery when I went around looking for SECRET GARDEN so that I can watch it and talk to my students about it . But it was not available in the pirate bins just yet . I ended up buying My GIRLFRIEND IS A GUMIHO , IRIS 1 AND 2 , and Kaichou - wa - Maid - sama ! the anime . None of my favorite pirate bins had hentai so I let that go for now . Now I have something to look forward to at the end of the day . Yes , my life is boring like that . When you are technically broke all that time because your roommate has not moved in yet and your peanuts paying job is pissing you off , it 's all you can do not to drop kick someone . I choose Korean dramas over jail time . status in the site . We will give you a go - signal when to post the teaser and chapter 1 of your novel . Future official novels will be in e - book format . I am 25 and I still have less than 40k to pay . No , it 's not credit card bills . It 's what I call mom debts . Whenever I run out of money , I would ask my mom for money and it goes to a list that I have to pay for . But because I have to ( yet again ) pay 4k for my rent , I can 't pay my mom . ( I swear if she doesn 't move to the room after I clean it again , I am going to have a bitch fit . For real . ) I had so many plans for that money . And now I can 't do a thing about it . * rolls eyes * I really really really need to pay off my debts before the end of the year . Or even just before my bday would be awesome . It would be my gift to myself and to my mom ( since we have the same birth month ) . I also have plans to go to the gym and that is not going to push through if I can 't re - enroll . I am going straight home later to clean and I am going to line the walls of her closet with what needs to be used to line it . I will do my part . If things still doesn 't work out for her , she can just tell me up front and I can find another roommate . Someone not as anal as the ones who I wanted to choke with floorwax before . Wedding garter or none , my personal goal to start saving some money starts this year . And she is not helping out because of all the delays . I am understanding but there is a limit to my ability to be an adult . I have plans . I have goals . I might just be becoming less of the Gemini that I was and a Taurus like they are saying I am now . ( Seriously , people who take their horoscope personalities seriously are . . . hilarious . ) I need to be fully independent before my birthday . I need to work hard . I need to pay my dues . God help me . I have bad personal credit . How the heck can I expect to mingle with possible partners in life ? Right ? I think this was what I got when I was in K1 . Or was that K2 ? Anyway , bottom line is that I have been a sociable kid but over time I have formed weird issues regarding socialization . I like to keep my friends away from my other friends . There is not a lot of chances for me to go , " This is my high school friend , Hala . Hala , meet my college friend , Hada . " There are people who used to go to my old school who went to the same college . But since they were not my initial group of friends , it wasn 't a problem being this other me in this new place while they were there . Second this that I might be misleading people to believe that I actually like people . I don 't . I only like a few individuals . This is like my stand on children . Unless they are exceptional in my eyes , I won 't like them . People are , in general , the taller and older version of their brattiest selves . So I just don 't want to have to deal with them and their rough edges . This might be the reason why I don 't work well in a group . I always wondered how the people whom I have become really good friends with handle the loud , arrogant , idiotic me . Maybe it 's like those times when women date guys who are bad for them . And they hope that they can tame them or train them . I say , no one else other that yourself can do that for you . Having new friends is the mark of this year . But I am wondering if I am neglecting my old ones . I really don 't have a choice when it comes to people I work with . I need to get along with them . I just hope that I learn more from them than they would learn from me . But that might be stretching it . They are awesome people but far too busy for me to bother . Got my paycheck and I want to scream in frustration . If my roommate doesn 't move by this month . I am really going to find someone new . T _ T I was supposed to use the extra 2k to go out in February and now I can 't . Awesome . Freaking awesome . It was perfectly imperfect . Why ? Because no one refused to smile . Whatever happened , it was , for Che and Myk , the happiest day ever . So what if there were some hiccups , the Korea and Philippine border issues ( joke ) and the fact that both readers had no idea which part of the mass they were supposed to read their parts . There were some people who took their sweet time getting there and other who are MIA . But who the heck cares . When the violin and piano hit it , the singer ( who oddly had a backless shirt ) sang with her beautiful voice , everything melted into perfection . I haven 't been to church in AGES to attend mass and have forgotten when to say the prayer of the faithful . I had taken the missalet on our side hostage and was reading through the entire mass . Well , there was that time when me and the other reader thought that the woman who was supposed to do the first reading was not there . So I stood up and bowed and was ready to read instead of her but she stood up , in her chocolate brown sweetness and stilletoed her way to the reader 's stand . * Yes , even that word I have forgotten . * I remember saying that I love her shoes but it was unfortunate that the stand where were were supposed to well . . . stand had gaps so they had to watch their step in order to not to fall in the gaps . Of course I had to snigger , I was in church but I was not a saint . Then the other reader had the same dilemma . I thanked my flat silver shoes for being so comfy and FLAT . The hilarious part was that when I began reading , the mic didn 't register . I had not put the mic on ! I swear , if I was stand - up comedian , I would have banked in tips that time . I turned it on and proceeded where I left off . Rules in speech comm , don 't repeat what you have already messed up , it highlights your mistake . I read it as well as I could possibly can and not one word out of beat ( I hope . ) and stepped down then bowed . When it was about the same time for the consecration , the worst thing happened . There was a gong instead of chimes or a bell . I had to snap my hand up , not in salute , but to cover my left ear . I did need it for work after all . The other reader almost got a heart attack in shock . The sacristans snickered of course . Michael game me a look both of " what the " and " stop snickering " or was it " don 't you dare laugh out loud while you are in the altar while my wedding is happening " . So I swallowed my laughter and tried to pray . I think God decided I needed confession since I didn 't get in line in time for communion . Oh well . The vows were nice . Though I was too kilig and my brain was working on future stories inspired by that day , that moment of pure unadalterated bliss of true love . Whoever believes that true love doesn 't exists can suck it . I have proof . The Lagayas are the proof I would slap on their cynical faces . Ha ! So I didn 't really care much if one of the groomsmen was Phillip . He seems to be carrying a handbag so that mean I was safe . Because a guy carrying a handbag always indicated a lover or his mother . So I vote he brought a plus . I was already a double so I didn 't bring one . I carefully avoided any contact with anyone because I didn 't want to get into any kind of trouble . But it would be my competitive streak that would be my undoing . My friends know this about me . I hate loosing . So when it was a drinking contest using soda ( so weak haller beer nga kaya eh ) with two straws I didn 't notice that the other people were not as energetic as I was . And Ate Mesh was actually saying he was a young first cousin . I was like , " So ? " It was only when I tilted the empty glass that I realized my mistake . Oh snap ! It was one of those alternatives to throwing bouquets . Damn you wedding coordinators and your new fun - filled ideas . I hate you . So needless to say , I got my third garter . The weird thing is that I always thought you were supposed to return it . But from my experience those brides who got the garter back , had lousy marriages and I remained single afterwards . But this time they made me take it home . I showed it to my lolos , my uncles , my relatives , my mom and everyone else so that the jinx might go away . And of course , people were singing the same tune . " When are you going to introduce someone to me ? " In our family , if a man or a woman is introduced , more often than not , that person would be a member of the family soon enough . The speeches made by the people , relatives , friends , and the newlywed was sweet , poignant and teary . Margaret , Mark ( yes odd that it is the same name and I can type it without prejudice ) and Moi were in line for the wedding photobooth . Gaga , as I candidly nicknamed her in highschool , was not at all willing because her sister was waiting for us to go out and go home . I was going to ride with them after all . But it was a good thing that we waited since we had so much fun doing it . I let them have the sole copy since the guy said we could get them online anyway . I was expecting someone to be with us there . She wasn 't . I was panicking all the way to the point when I realized I lost the copy of the part I was supposed to read . If that thing ever comes up , I might throw away my laptop altogether . T _ T By the time I woke up , which was four , I still haven 't gotten a single message or reply from my friend who was one of the only three people who got invited from out school . Yes , I am upset about it and she can explain all she wants and what happened would still not be okay or undone or could have been able to invite any new people to the wedding in their place . ( I didn 't understand why there were three empty seats in our table in the beginning . Maybe I had a plus one option . Tss . And well guess who the other people are . Tss again . ) I took a bath , packed my stuff in a backpack which had a broken zipper , repack everything on a different bag , then checked and double - checked everything because I didn 't want to leave my gift yet again or any part of my wardrobe . Michael has been my friend since we were in Kinder 2 . And I was not going to be late or absent or a nuisance on his wedding . ( I kinda failed on the last part . Hehe . ) I had to hope that I would get to Batangas on time and have some way to get to Lipa without having to ride public transportation . I remembered that my dad would be home since it 's my grandfather 's 80th birthday on that day . ( Yes , there was a major event at home that needed me to be there but I was at that wedding because I made a promise , RSVPed and had I been in the middle of dying , I would have asked ANYONE to tell SOMEONE to tell my friend that I couldn 't make it THAT DAY . ) So my dad agreed to drive me to the Air Base in Lipa . Fun Fact : One of my lolos got married at the same church . He was an air force guy and he knew my friend 's deceased dad when I mentioned it later that night . So I got there on time and the fun was just about to begin . I saw them when I went on a family trip to Puerto Galera . We took pictures and Cheryl was not one bit like the other girls who dated my friends were like . She was secure in the love that she had for him and he had for her that there was no hint of jealousy in her person . I am sure this might be refuted in the future but I am sure Michael would make sure she never ever feels that after today . That is when I knew that in the future I would have to wear a dress and attend their wedding . And here we are . It 's 3 : 38 and I am still in Makati . My bessie from elementary school is still not replying to ANY of my messages online and mobile . I am beginning to think her number has a blackhole in it . Oh well , come rain or commuting I am going to Lipa and reading the Prayers of the Faithful at Che and Mykl 's wedding . Which is weird because a ) I have not gone to church in a very long while that I actually forgot when the prayer of the faithful is prayed b ) not the most faithful of the people I know . But it 's probably because I talk for a living . Michael was excited and he even texted me about that . He even mentioned a name that I thought was bizaro . He said Phillip was going to be there . And the person who came into mind was a classmate from SBC then I realized that in an even more weird six degrees of separation , some guy I hooked up with at my cousin 's wedding is his school mate or something and now he is attending his wedding . God , I hope I made a mistake in connecting those dots . Let 's just say , I might have left an impression of who I was back then on that boy . But I am now twice the girl I was before and less appealing . So I think I should be safe . And since I have internet until five today , I am definitely going to keep people posted on what is happening in what would be one of the best weddings I would ever attend . Note to self : You barely missed getting the bouquet at Zena 's wedding . Had you not given it to Angel at the last second . So you need to be careful to stay away from the flight pattern of the flowers for this wedding . So many things can go wrong for you . Forget you center fielder training . DO not stand under the exact point where the flowers would fall . Remember that you had to move away when the flowers at Bula 's wedding landed in front of you . So be careful , be very very careful . Today was really stressful for me . I wanted to throw things at people , honestly . I got new responsibilities on top of an already deadly list of things to do and the reason behind all of it is apparently because I am good at what I do . But what kind of reward is new work to do instead of time to rest ? And what kind of people management skills is it when you cause more grief to people because you don 't want to help them out to understand something ? What kind of arrogance is it when you shift blame and point that you did it right when in fact , the people around you didn 't all understand what the heck you wanted them to do . I learned a lot from people today . I learned from Tiff that I should not make jokes or even open my tactless mouth when things are heated and really uncomfortable . And I really appreciate her for that . I learned that if a leader does her job well like a lioness cares for her cubs , even if you have a bad day at work , unity helps make it less confusing . I learned never to confront bosses in a meeting because it makes them feel like they are being attacked . If you have issues , then you have to hash it out to them . Not one manager is like the other . But also , you have to understand that she is dedicated to do her job and she also has her own deadline . And that the difference of cultures can cause a big gap . I learned that no good deed goes unpunished . I learned that I definitely don 't want to get promoted ever again . I learned that I need to get my own net connection in my apartment so I need to expedite my wi - tribe application . I learned that whatever you say or do , work is a business run by people who do things their way . You either bend over or leave . After all , they are paying you . Learn what you can and teach others once you get the hang of it . I need to remedy this whole thing . I want to be able to add to the places that I have visited . Since my job offers some unique holidays when I don 't have to go to work like the Lunar New Year and Korean Thanksgiving . I can use those times to go out . Too bad I promised Angel to go out during the Sol - al . T _ T I 'll just make it up to her . I also need to tell my mom about our team trip to Pangasinan and Baguio . The last time I was in Baguio I went to my friend 's house and I was with the corps commander of the ROTC . She was a UPLB student then and I was a COCC like her . He was courting her then and her mom hated soldiers and Marcos . He on the other hand , wanted to emulate the man 's achievements . Or something like that . I ate breaded spinach and had a lot of fun . I still have the long - sleeved turtleneck that I bought in an ukay there for 50php . The PMT shirt I bought for a hundred has long been stolen from the clothesline so I might look for that again . I went to the PMA then and had a lot of fun since I had wanted to be a soldier then . Now she is a former Miss Earth Water and full - time flight attendant . He finished Westpoint and he is in the Air Force . I am a teacher and I still haven 't ridden a plane . I wonder what Team Max & Co would do when we visit Ate Mhel 's place in Pangasinan and I go back to Baguio once again . Gosh , I wish I could drag a boy with a car to this trip . If not for me , maybe for Ai . ^^ Posted by My old officemates from my previous company know that as a GL , I care more about the welfare of the teacher than all the money they can slap us with . I went through a piece of hell and a slice of heaven while I was working for that company . They paid me well so I worked my ass off for them . Granted that I bent some rules to make the experience not as bad for my team , I never regretted saying what I wanted , when I wanted to . I have seen and have personally experienced how bad it was to have a nonstop class sked . I have survived it . So I hated the insinuation that some people remarked that I can do it . I know I can . That is not the issue here . The issue here is that I moved to this low - paying , HMO - less industry because I didn 't want to have the infections and stresses that being a BPO agent brought . I notice this to be true for many years now . When there is a new Kimchi kikay in town , the schedules become humanly impossible to handle . I can understand the whole , " your time is paid so do your job " argument . But I AM NOT A ROBOT . Had I been one I wouldn 't need to pee a single drop now , do I ? If you are the kind of person who is prone to infections and gets fevers immediately , it would be best to prevent the factors and the symptoms rather than drink the medicine . It 's not like we have a health card that we can magically swipe and flash at the face of doctors and health technicians . Give me that , give me coverage and I would talk for four hours non - stop . I can do it . I just don 't want to because it affects concentration , it ruins my QA because I have to slip out to pee because there is no break time . So if they ding me for it , I might just do the same thing that I did earlier . I was so pissed that I slipped out to pee only to find out all the bathrooms were occupied . Awesome , right ? * holds sarcasm sign * I could control and I growled . I don 't growl at work . I cuss , I rant but I don 't growl . Groan maybe . I am not the table hitting kind of person however odd that might sound . I don 't throw tantrums . I rant then I do what needs to be done anyway . I don 't like people who patronize me . I know it when the TL is just saying something to appease an irate agent or teacher . I have been there . Heck , I can lie through my teeth . Just don 't tell me , " You can do it . " because I already know I can . I am actually glad that I take the bus in the morning . I chanced upon a link in my plurk timeline about the LRT , MRT fare hike being approved . I used to take the train a lot when I was in the PM shift while working for E - Lamp . For a person who is claustrophobic it 's hell to go to work by MRT . But the alternative was to spend two hours on the bus during lunch hour so there was no real contest . http : / / www . urbanrail . net But for the millions of commuters who will be affected by this price hike , I wonder what they would have to give up just to adjust their budget . I know it 's long overdue and I know that they only reason why we didn 't get this hike a long time ago was because it a political move for Arroyo . But Mr . President , I just want you to reassure all of us that the next time we walk in and out of the MRT or the LRT , at least there wouldn 't be grayed walls of dust and those odd hiccups that cause us our attendance incentives . We don 't have a choice but to shoulder what the government slowly refuses to shoulder . But make sure that we get more from this than those who run the tracks . You have yet to show us any beef of your promise to battle against corruption and raise those who are below the poverty line . With this decision , although sound from a business point of view , you might just put more people back on their feet , literally , since they can 't afford the train fare . Good job . bigbang theory I don 't know what to put as a comment as it is now adding more time for me to fix things and add corrections since the clickable review selection are not the right one for my student 's needs which are usually related to word choice . Also the multiple boxes took more time to place sentences from my template to the student screen . Oh and there was the scare that the reports were not going through . I thought it would be way behind me since I left E - Lamp . Now I have to be nice Noona mode again . I love challenges like the student who can 't follow " Give me a new hint . " or " Please don 't read the answer to the guessing game . " ( BTW today , the lady seems to understand me more . I am happy . So I will work harder to teach her better . If I can make zero level english speakers talk , I can make her talk . ) But kids . They are essentially scared of me . Even the phone is not enough of a barrier . But my Junior student is okay since she is able to speak well enough but outside of the book , she knows very little . So this whole Tarahasayo account they have will just make me flip , I think . God , I hope not . I can handle interview classes all day long just don 't give me children . I might tender my resignation if this becomes a common part of my schedule . Tsss . Though I love my job . Don 't . Push . It . I thought the meeting we had cleared all my issues and their issues admin - wise . I thought I knew what I was supposed to do . But due to some misunderstanding , and also them being super involved and attentive to possible security errors or confusion in the rules , I got ticked off . I admit that . I thought , " What the hell , I thought this was already settled ? " But I realized that the people I work with in T . O . P . are real GEMS , flowers of the highest caliber . They know how to say sorry and chill without me going over the top about things . I think I would really learn a lot from them , as a woman , as a writer and as an adult who can have fun . All in all , I blame lack of sleep . I am going home now and going to sleep after I finish dinner . Because honestly , I function better as a well - rested person . I really need to finish the PRs later at home . I wouldn 't want my students to worry . I am just freaking tired . I might sleep on the bus now . When I was in college I had this friend who kept raving about Minute Maid . This guy was a pulpy orange juice fan , I wasn 't . I hated how those stuff seemed to choke me when I drank it . Of course it was just natural that I didn 't try Minute Maid 's pulpy orange juice for a long time , right ? Wrong . Fast forward many years later , I already work as an online English teacher and I have a cold that prevented me from feeling as perky as I needed to be on the phone . All the things that used to work for me wasn 't helping . It was difficult for me to get any sentence in without having to mute the avaya . Lemon juices are severely acidic and since I didn 't want to add an upset stomach to my list of ills , I chose the one drink I thought was closest to the natural kind of fruit juice in the nearby 7 - 11 , the Minute Maid orange juice . I expected something that would make my stomach turn and make me throw the pulpy madness away . But the first swig was miraculously smooth and I actually ended up buying more that day . Safe to say it saved my throat from weeks of coughing . I was able to get my old voice back and I might have formed a slight addiction to it . To date , it 's the only bottled orange juice that I drink . Yes , I don 't like orange juice that much . But the fun thing about this pulpy trend is that I never expected they would come up with something more awesome . I love mangoes so I love their Minute Maid Pulpy Mango Orange . I actually drank it for an entire month that I actually had to give it up for a while because it was sweet and that got in the way of work . I have to literally stop my hand with the other one to keep from buying it whenever I go to a convenience store . Adding to the list of my pulpy addiction is the White Grape with aloe vera bits . ( Imagine me getting giddy just thinking about it . ) I discovered it when it came out . I love everything green so I drank it for an entire week until I caught myself saying , " Maybe the aloe vera would be good for my skin . " Then I realized , I don 't like grape flavored things . So my pulp + + + How about you ? Share your pulpy experience to the rest of the world . Send me a link of your picture drinking your pulpy favorite and I would add it to this blog entry . ^^ Leave the link at a comment so I can check it anytime . Year 2011 CareerThe key to continued career success lies in your ability to network like it 's your job . Being the messenger of the zodiac , this is like breathing for most Gemini 's . If you happen to be one of the shyer twins , use the fiery energy of 2011 to put yourself out there . When the planet of fortune and fame enters your sector of goals and friendships , it 's up to you to take the initiative . Nothing ventured , nothing gained . A huge shift takes place when Neptune , the planet of illusions and delusions enters your career sector in April for a relatively short stint until August . This is only a preview of what 's to come in 2012 and then continue to evolve over the next decade . The best part is that you 'll finally feel like you can wed your need for glamour and soul with your professional aims . But the downside is the potential for more confusion when it comes to clearly delineating what exactly you want in the long - term . What mark do you want to make on this big bad world ? You 're about to discover that this question leads more to a process than a destination . With the cosmic taskmaster cracking the whip in your creativity sector over the course of the year , you can 't help but take your ideas more seriously . In fact the more you honor your myriad artistic talents the sooner you can turn your gifts into a potentially lucrative enterprise . When Jupiter enters your sector of dreams and imagination in June , you 'll certainly suffer no shortage of inspiration . The year begins on a romantic note with Venus gracing your relationship sector . But as the year unfolds , you 'll be making so many new friends and networking contacts , you 'll barely have time to think about intimacy with one person . The more the merrier is one of the year 's central themes . You have a knack for attracting interesting characters from every walk of life and finding what 's special about them . It 's your insatiable curiosity that brings out the gems in all you meet . And the more you can learn about yourself through the continuous onslaught of new personalities and alliances livening up your social scene , the happier and more fulfilled you will feel . With Pluto still excavating the depths of your soul , your interest in psychology and desire to plummet your own depths only gets stronger throughout 2011 . Asking the deeper questions about what really makes you tick can open many wonderful doors . Self - knowledge is power . When Jupiter , the planet of philosophy and expansive thinking enters your subconscious sector right around your birthday , you 'll be blessed with amazing vision , renewed perspective and a series of Eureka moments and kismet meetings with amazing people . 2011 is the year for expanding your horizons , meeting kindred spirits and finally creating the community of your wildest dreams . + + + There is a tug - of - war in my head right now . I want more money all of a sudden . I want to save up for my future and I can 't do it here . I like the job because it 's almost as easy as doing something with my eyes closed . But . I need HMO . I need to have a set of policies that do not change at a drop of the hat . I can understand being stressed and high metrics if it has it 's weight in gold , so to speak . I am happy in my present job . But happiness can 't pay debts or doesn 't gain interests . My friend told me I would probably not survive the lifestyle . I tried before and I was sick all the time . But I account that to being in a clean environment for a long time then suddenly breathing in recycled air and polluted air the next moment . I believe that my health problems would just include my eyesight and irregular period . My allergies have always been there . They are just more obvious now . That can 't stop me from talking on the phone anyway so it 's not a problem . I can 't keep working for peanuts since there doesn 't seem to be any chance for me to win the lottery or the husband lottery for that matter . So I would need to fend for myself . I want to be an adult and try to go back to the industry that I tried to escape because it seems inconvenient at that time . I just hope they would be willing to train me . I want to work closer to where I live so that I don 't have to put travel in my list of expenses . Oh and there is a chance that I might be able to skip riding an airplane if I am too busy . Let 's see after February . I will need to give it some time . But giving me a kid student is not going to help keep me where I am . And if do any more " pure business " policy - making then I am not going to sit around and wait for my turn . I can get that kind of abuse somewhere else where they pay more money to pad the blow . There would be a few things that would be hard to swallow in the beginning , rules that seem too harsh or hard to handle . But one day , I dream for all newbie writers to find TOP a place to not just read but to learn . For amateurs to realize their dream of writing for the love of it and eventually , for the funds it could generate for them . There would still be free stories , that would always be a TOP trademark . But there would be a chance for this to be a stepping stone to something else . And it would require understanding , love and mutual respect as well as undaunting loyalty to make sure that TOP remains on top . You inconvenienced me today . Wait for the karma that will be quaking you in your life . 800x600 is not an ideal resolution for a teacher who needs to open so many things on her screen . Imagine having someone tell you that when in fact you were a techsupport person in your past job . It 's so condescending and absobloodyuseful , right ? Right ? TGIF ? FCKMA . Friday can kiss my a * * is more like it . January 2 , 2011 departure batangas : 5 : 24 pm I almost had to stand on a bus because of a miscalculation . I forgot that the later you leave from the province , the less likely you would have something to ride . I am not a big traveler and since working for my previous company and getting such a big cut on my cash flow , I haven 't gone home due to the fact as well that there had been few weddings to attend and it 's not débutante season in my family . But this year is supposed to be full of social events and ventures that would cost me a lot of money . Coming into the year , I have to save money to go to Isabela . BY PLANE . Yes , you read it right . I escaped the whole Bora trip last December but now not only do I have to pay for my fare , I also have to subject myself to a family reunion with my father 's family . It 's almost like meeting the family of my imaginary boyfriend since I have yet to remember the names of the people from my father 's side of the gene pool . I have caught a glimpse of them one and I have come to the conclusion that my dad 's side got the smart gene . Our cousins are cute and some of the girls that I have caught a glimpse of are ippuda . On my side , the boys and the girls look the same . Exhibit A . I look like my younger brothers when I am wearing a football jersey , big pants and sneakers . But who the fuck cares , we are all from UP ? Beat that hot cousins who changes majors like they change mindsets . ^^ I am being arrogant again , forgive me . I want to bring back the old me . The one who is full of confidence that people hate me for being loud and obnoxious . No more compromises in my life now . Gym money is an investment , not a waste of my time . While I am planning to help people work hard on their TOP stories ( sorry for being offline during the holidays , guys . I needed a break . I am all yours in 2011 ! ) I also need to improve myself so that I can present my best to the world too . Granted that I can 't be my 21 - year - old self anymore than I can pick a guy up with a wink anymore , I am going to make sure that my tumPosted by I guess I can 't help him out to adapt to his new environment . We can 't even ask our friends to help him out since he is all the way over there . But I think it 's the best thing that happened to him since he doesn 't have to follow after his sister at all . Sans the same course , the kid would have to handle every Isko step that he would take on his own . But it 's cool , literally , that he is in UPB . It was originally where the Communication Arts program started . ( correct me if I am wrong ) So we are still ecstatic that he is one of us .
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I covered my hanging shelves last week so on this first day my goal is the kitchen ! Okay maybe not all of it . On top of the cabinets , getting things dusted and cleaned up . Do you get a grimy layer of stuff too like cooking grease has been floating through the air ? I get it bad for some reason so I 've taken to lining the tops of my kitchen cabinets with wax paper so it 's easy to just pull up , toss and replace . Works like a charm . I also hope to tackle the top of the fridge . I 'm not sure how the top of the fridge is for anyone else but it 's our , " No ! " pile when you take away candy , toys , etc or you just have an ice tray you aren 't planning to put back in the freezer . After awhile it gets pretty stacked and there is no telling what treasures I have up there and what junk has made its way up there too . Over all today is pretty easy . I don 't have any real appointments to run to ! It probably wouldn 't hurt to go into work with all the appointments later this week but I really need some down time so I 'm going to take it while it offers itself to me . Plus , my brain is a little drained getting up at 6am and by 6 : 30 crunching financial information numbers . I 've adjusted my budget a little bit to a more realistic view . I means this month we are going to be in the red this month . You have to love a 2 paycheck month with 5 weeks of shopping days to it . You 'll notice a lot of cleaning on my list . Yeah this weekend went NUTS I 'll explain in my Last Week section . Alright let 's cover last week and the fiasco that it was ! So Friday Peter took work off to stay home with the kids and to watch a friend of ours kiddo because county schools were out for ' teacher in service ' and Peter has more vacation saved since I have to hold mine back to cover Thanksgiving and Winter breaks . We still have no clue what we are doing about Fall week next week . I reminded Peter that was last week and I think I watched the color drain from his face as we don 't have childcare setup . I need to check with the Y and see if they will be running their holiday camp during that week since we are in County Schools and I 'm not sure if City is having their break at the same time . Back to Friday , so I 've been gathering stuff for a garage sale on Saturday and while I had to go into work early because there was a great deal of running to be taken care of all the kiddos decided to drag the garage sale toys back into play across the house . Needless to say I 'm still finding items that never made it into the sale . The sale was never my idea but our neighbors who are moving asked us to join with and we said OK not thinking . I have sworn NEVER again though it did encourage the girls to get rid of some toys so the next time I might have them clear things out under the ' pretense ' that I 'm going to sell them then haul them away to goodwill and hand the girls some cash . I know I 'm a horrible mother but getting them to let go of their toys is really a chore . So back to Friday again . . . I keep rambling off don 't I . So I got off of work and then went to a Lady 's house who I needed to fill out some loan extension forms because I had loaned them a large sum of money to get out of their eviction notice . I just couldn 't let a house with 5 children in it find their way to the street . I stood around there then found out she wasn 't there because she was handling some other stuff so then I went to sign the girls up for Swimming lessons at the Y and then off to the dollar store hoping to find some price tags for the garage sale insteadElizabeth Sims So you may notice this looks nothing like the others . Truth is I 'm on my phone at work . Honestly I didn 't even get to yesterdays challenge but I guess that is why it is a challenge and I will get to it this weekend . Today 's challenge is DOORS . Can 't let one set back stop me ! I hope everyone else had better luck yesterday and have a great weekend . I 'll be back next week with the next part of the challenge . Day 4 is here ! I took time admiring the pictures on the wall as I cleaned seeing seeing my babies so young gave me that baby itch I know my husband would chide me over . ( Shhh . . . anyone know where I can steal a baby for an hour to nuzzle and baby talk to ? ) Walls are the bane of my existence . Seriously , they are evil . But if you are like me then you 've been knocking down a lot of dust or you are just coming out of kids being sick and as much as you run around them just watch somewhere there will be a smear on your wall and you can 't tell if it 's some silly goop they were playing with ( which is most probably it is ) or some snot smear ( your worst nightmare ) . Thankfully we are out of the crayon on the wall phase . My suggestion ? Magic eraser ! But I learned to watch out scrubbing too hard especially when going after crayon it can take paint off too . Who would think that little white sponge thing could have that kind of power ! And not done yet I have one more task to add to this list . My house has a central system and I 've been knocking down a lot of dust so it is time to check the filter . The filter is a big thing especially with furnace weather coming up . Woot ! Day 3 is here and somehow I 've been keeping with my own goals on this one . You 'd hope so right ? Well it 's harder than I 'd like to admit . With tests back into full swing at school for the kids it seems like most of my free time is dedicated to that but I 'm pushing and down the wire again as my husband looked at me funny as I left for the store at 7pm to get more light bulbs . I didn 't realize some of them were out I was kind of just used to things being dim . I can completely notice a difference now ! Well we are past what I guess should have been the easy days though it didn 't feel like it . The goal for day 3 is pictures and shelves ! Oh my ! What have I gotten myself into ! And for myself this also includes my tapestries and other wall hanging nicknacks . So I broke down this past Monday and bought a doughnut pan so I could try these pumpkin doughnuts out . Now you don 't ' have ' to have a doughnut pan but well I wanted one . I used the Pumpkin Cake Doughnut over on the King Arthur Flour site . They also have suggestions on how to make this in a muffin pan so don 't be afraid to try it out . Oh wow maybe I spoke too soon on D1 ! Did you survive yesterday ? I barely did ! I was down to the wire with trying to tuck the kids in while also trying to get their rooms finished . I guess it doesn 't work well to try and put your kids to sleep and clean at the same time . I hope I 'm not the only one that suddenly realized there was more dust and cobwebs than I ever really noticed . It seemed every time I had an area done I 'd walk in just a position to see where I missed something . Well pushing on to D2 ! Now this one doesn 't scare me ! Okay maybe it does but only because I really hate step ladders . Make sure you are safe and if you have to wait until someone comes home just to make sure that you are ! We are covering lights and ceiling fans ! No I 'm not even defining what cleaning up around the house is ! If I get something done I will pat myself on the back ! Last week got very awkward for us with so many strange and unfortunate things happening that I feel like the house was on the set of Twister . I keep putting the bathroom on my list but I 'll pick up the floor but not get to the rest or I 'll work on the bathtub but not get the rest it 's just this awkward trade off so I refuse to put it on my physical list because there is only so many times you can fail before you need a win . I also have a lot less motivation knowing I have a dental appointment today . I love my dentist and it 's just a cleaning but always the cleanings due to my teeth structure they always find more work to do and admittedly I 've slacked somewhat on my flossing so I 'm sure he 'll fuss at me . It 's just breaking my day up with appointments always makes me a bit sluggish . Menu Over all I 'm shooting for ' easy ' this week which is what I tend to shoot for . I would like to get a bit more healthy foods into our diet and do some real cooking more often but I feel like things are a bit crazy and it may just be because of how last week went . This Week 's ' To - Do ' List I think my brain is the one most busy on this Busy Monday . What are your plans for the evil Monday monster ? Did you meet your goals last week ? I played with the pumpkin bread recipe and made it too moist this time and instead of measuring out my seasonings I tried using pumpkin pie spice and I 'd say that was a giant flop . As it was described by Katherine , " It 's bland . " But I did get more pumpkin taste into it this time . I will have to try again . I think I have also decided this kind of recipe does not like to mix well in the bread machine . I 'll still use the bread machine for baking because until we get late Fall and into Winter I really don 't want to heat up the house with the oven as often as I will want to be baking . Saturday we went to the Western Kentucky Botanical Garden for the annual Scarecrow fest . We were very sad at this years display as half the place was blocked off for a wedding so I didn 't get to walk through the rose garden like I enjoy doing . It was very poor planning on their part . Plus half the normal activities for kids were not there . We spent nearly $ 40 and spent maybe only 45 minutes there and that includes the time we ate . After the Scarecrow Festival we went down to the riverfront to watch the airshow . Again we were sadly disappointed as it now where reached the level it did last year and there were several very bored children for all the parents around us which made for very miserable adults . I 'm not trying to poo poo everything that day it just was hyped up very much and then it was such a poor display with anywhere from 20 - 30 minutes in between planes coming into the area , no announcer this year . . . nothing . The playground at the park was even broke too so they had one of the slides all boarded up . Ah so we are to our very first challenge . I 'm tempted to say the first challenge is just removing myself from my chair as that seems like the hardest part to any of this . I know there are only two results at the end of the next few weeks . My family has decided that it would be funny to come in behind me and see how fast they can return us to our normal mess . I 'm hoping option 1 but the truth is option 2 is looking more realistic . So as I outlined before we are going to spend the week working on the high places . Working our way top to bottom the best we can . Now I , like many other parents , tend to be extremely busy so these daily little things may seem just that , little . You very well could accomplish more in your day of that I 'm sure ! I 'm going at a pace that I can handle and there are a lot of things I won 't be able to fit in . My suggestion if you 've got more time on your hands and you 're like , " Hu , well that 's done now what ? " Pick a drawer , stack , surface in your house that has papers , disorganized toys , collection of toothpicks , whatever it is and try and put some order to it . That 's one thing that I 'm going to be just randomly trying to accomplish and if I try to set it to a time line it 'd take me a month and I 'm quite sure everyone doesn 't want to see , " Your challenge is to organize the . . . . . " everyday . I guess what I 'm saying is BE PROACTIVE ! Today 's Task Ceilings ! Yup get up high ( though carefully please ! ) and get cobwebs out of corners and if your house seems to bread dust bunnies like mine then the ceiling area around a ceiling fan likes to collect a lot of dust also . I 've found the easiest thing for those of us with popcorn ceilings is to use the brush attachment to a vacuum cleaner . You don 't want to be brushing really hard otherwise you get annoying white popcorn falling on your floors but most clothes and ' dusting equipment ' are cotton and just like to get stuck in the popcorn . Check your bathroom ceiling ! If your bathroom does not have enough air flow your showers may have been causing some dark spots . . . by the way that 's mold but I 'm sure you guessed that by now . I like to stand far back and mist some 1 / 2 water 1 / 2 bleach solution up there and let it sit for a little bit and then come back and carefully wipe it down . It tends to do the job for me for the areas I apparently missed with the ' no mold ' bathroom paint . If you have central air and your returns are up at the ceiling then go ahead and get these at this time too . And that 's it ! You have completed Day 1 . Now that wasn 't so hard now was it . Interested in the other weeks follow back here . So Fall is right around the corner ! This weekend in fact ! Depending on where you are in the country it may not feel like it but our days will very soon be shorter than our nights as we move on towards Winter . I look at Winter like I look at a long car ride . I 've got a bunch of people crammed into a little space for an extended period of time that I have to keep happy otherwise it 'll be a miserable journey . So I look at my house as if it is a car and I never start a roadtrip with a dirty car because that spells disaster . My thought process is pretty simple . Start from the top and work your way down . Now of course some things will have to be redone . Like vacuuming , it 's a never ending process in Fall ! but the idea is just go a little bit above and beyond . So if I suggest something and you think to yourself , " Well I do that regularly anyway . " Then think of something in that general area that you don 't do regularly and tackle that . I will also like to note I will not be going for perfection . I will be going for good enough . It sounds kind of like a defeatist method but for myself , personally , I find I 'm not so hard on myself and if I can do a little better than ' good enough ' then I will try very hard to do so but if I find life has decided to get wonky and busy I 'm not going to beat myself up over it . These particular weeks could take you less time or more time . You could find it extremely easy or very hard . So don 't beat yourself up ! I almost just made this 1 week and then I thought about it and every part of me started to cramp up and panic when I thought of the amount of work required the truth about me and Time my dreaded foe ! I 'd also like to do some posts about outside but I might be overloading myself . I 'll work out a schedule for things to the best of my ability but like all parents sometimes what I schedule the rest of life throws a fit about from time to time and life with the family in tune can be quite loud and obnoxious when it comes to demanding my attention . Posted by Welcome to another Monday edition . I 'm actually getting onto writing this a little late . I had a hard time sleeping last night and ended up not telling Katherine when to go out the door for the bus . I kind of just zoned staring at Facebook as I had seriously considered taking an extended blink in my chair so Katherine ended up missing the bus . Well that 's a quick way to get me up , dressed and out the door . You have to love these kinds of mornings ( by the way that is sarcasm ) . I got going on some of my items such as the laundry and getting the bagel dough started so my husband could have breakfast at home though knowing him he 'll use them as snacks again . Amy then arrived here this morning while it was pouring down rain and we went to set up her tent frame ( she 's making an A - Frame viking tent to use at events she venders at ) and found out it was too tall for my carport but the rain has cleared up so we are giving it a little bit while she goes to get some more fabric and then we 'll set up the tent and start pinning fabric for her to sew . I 'm very proud of her when she first came over here working on this some months ago I did the sewing but she has really progressed . Sunday wasn 't quite as restful as I had hoped . Peter took Brielle to the library and Katherine went outside to play while I shampooed the carpet in the Playroom because I found out the pets had found a way in there and decided it looked like a nice place to potty . Can we say ick ? ! But now the carpet is all clean thankfully . I then worked a good part of the evening helping the kids with their various homework and preparing for tests and projects due this week . Thankfully I don 't have a lot planned this week . . . . . so far . Today 's ' To - Do ' List Pretty straight forward this week or maybe it is because I 'm still very much tired and tempted to make a second pot of coffee which is something I never do ! With any luck I will be done with my book from the library this week . I 'm very sad that it is the last book in the series but glad that I 've had a chance to read them and they are SO much better than the movie . Anyone remember the old movie ' Eragon ' ? Trust me the books are 400 times better and it makes the movie look horrific . I 'm working on a Fall Prep blog series that I want to kick off next Monday but I want to get the blogs mostly wrote up so that I 'm not trying to tackle the projects while writing while going to work . I think I 'd pull out my hair and scream at the sky , " WHY ! ? ! " and I 'd like to avoid making a scene like that . Brielle 's birthday party is next weekend because her friends parents are divorced and she wanted to make sure they could come so I need to get that all set up . Saturday Peter wants to go to a Magic event and asked me to get a babysitter so we could go together it 's about the only time I play cards with him . There are a ton of other things going on Saturday also but we haven 't decided which events we would be going to yet . There is the scarecrow fest at the botanical gardens that we always try to go to , there is an airshow at the riverfront , there is the Dream Riders event which is to raise money for the stables that do a lot of work with disabled children . . . There is a list more than just that too ! Saturday is an extremely busy day and we haven 't quite figured it all out yet . Blacky 's grooming appointment was that day too so I 've decided to go ahead and reschedule it because there is just so much going on . Well here 's hoping my Busy Monday isn 't overly busy and that it carries on throughout the week . I could use an easy week . I hope that everyone else has a great week and while you 're at it please keep Colorado in your thoughts and prayers . I 've got a friend who lives near Denver and things are worse than even the media can quite getElizabeth Sims So yeah there was a lot of stuff that was not taken care of and it 's been a crazy week . We had a PTO performance for my daughter that I had completely forgot to put down on the calendar for Tuesday . That was the nail in the coffin for me not going back to dance class this term . We were there at 6 o ' clock until I 'm not sure when because there was a heat advisory the Family Exercise Night activity was moved indoors and the bookfair was going on so we walked a mile inside the school and then went through the book fair and because Katherine had such good grades she got to pick out a book . She got ' How to Train Your Dragon ' which is about 209 pages long the next day she read it in one day ! Thank goodness we normally go to the library ! Wednesday , I went down to the Extension Service and turned in the 4 - H forms and found out and signed the girls up for a couple clubs . Signed up both kids for STEM ( Science , Technology , Engineering & Mathematics ) club which only had 20 slots total and was almost filled up ! Glad I didn 't put this off . I found out the 4 - H stem club is also in talks with the community college to use their robotics department down the line ! ! I think that is totally awesome ! Next month all these clubs start so it 'll be interesting to see what my schedule ends up looking like . Also , I was determined Wednesday to participate in the ' Make It From Scratch ' so I did the pumpkin bread I still need to make another try at it and see if I can get it to where we 'd really like it . Thursday , after work I went and picked up a friend and he helped me unload the seats in my van and we drove way out into the county to a custom cabinet store and picked up my new cabinet ( that is now on my back porch waiting to be stained ) . A new corner cabinet with a solid shelf not a lazy suzan ! I 've been waiting to replace mine for such a long time I 'm so excited to get much of my storage back for crafting supplies ! After having the cabinet loaded my friend and I got in the van and started driving down the road . I realized my speedometer needElizabeth Sims So my make it from scratch day 2 is the challenge day 5 . . . Yeah life has gotten busy I 'll go through that later . My project is a simple one but I always really loved that pretty colored glass and old ball jars . Now this isn 't as usable aka I wouldn 't put water into it but I think it came out beautifully ! So over on moneysavingmom . com she 's been having a make it from scratch week . Well it 's Wednesday and I 'm jumping in at least for today . Make it from scratch means no box kits . It 's not like buying a yellow cake mix and making a poke cake it 's making the yellow cake without a mix and doing that . I didn 't do anything so labor intensive as that instead I 've been continuing to play with my breadmaker after rediscovering it from making egg bagels from scratch last weekend before this challenge started . Tonight I attempted pumpkin bread in my bread maker . I had saw a recipe on Betty Crocker and it got my mind churning and ready for it even on these hot late summer days . Today I decided to do it since I had plenty of pumpkin around that I had found on discount a few months ago . Well I read into the recipe some more and saw a lot of complaints about it so I decided to go to my Betty Crocker cookbook and then halved the recipe and put it in the breadmaker and made an educated guess on it . This is a quick bread so I put it on the quick setting . Thankfully it worked out . I also mixed in half a cup of chocolate chips . Sadly though the look wasn 't the same as the taste . It will definitely get ate but it didn 't have enough of a pumpkin taste for my husband and myself . Pumpkin bread is quite literally an adjusted zucchini bread and I had remembered reading about how applesauce could be used to replace oil so I did some digging and it looks like pumpkin can be used in the same manner . I will come back to this recipe since my husband loves pumpkin and if it get the adjustments down correctly I 'll make sure to post up the recipe for everyone . It really can be amazing the tools you already have laying around the house but how finding that akward 20 minutes can seem like an impossible job . Which yes I have this listed as Day 1 because this is MY Day 1 they are now on like Day 3 but we do what we can when we can and be glad that we could . Happy Cooking Folks . Posted by Well I survived Monday . I 'm not exactly sure how I think by sheer force of will . I opened up the door late this morning to walk out to start my running around town and the heat and humidity hit me with such force there was nothing but determination that could have been my driving force to brave it . Yup ! It is an empty laundry basket and other than the clothes that were worn today & bath towels I am 100 % caught up ! Though I know that won 't last long . And just to show I 'm not fibbing . . . Yup I got more clothes to put away but they are folded ! I can 't wait to get rid of the boxes to the side there but I am filling them with clothes we are getting ready to donate ! Lots of 7 / 8s ! Katherine also has 2 tests this week . 1 tests is on latin terms and the other is over some of the states . We 've been using flash / flip cards for the latin terms and mainly working on spelling for the state names because it is really quite difficult for the spelling impaired like my poor girl . So I pulled out my laminator because I was tired of going through paper and didn 't want to print off any more maps . I purchased my laminator years ago and to this day am still glad I have it . A bit of dawn and a scrub brush and poof you have a clean sheet all over again . I 'm looking at my kitchen right now thinking about how I made breaded pork and how the flour is going to set into concrete . I know I need to do the dishes but boy I 'm tired . Eh I 'll get a jackhammer out tomorrow . Hope everyone had a good Monday and good luck to you on the rest of the week ! Well it 's Monday again . We really need to petition the government to give us a day between Sunday and Monday so we can prepare for another week . I 'm on the tail end of this gunk I 've had so I 've started to get more active again ! Thank goodness and because of that I put a good dent into the cleaning around the house yesterday . So let 's get on with it ! Lists , lists and more lists ! My house is made up of lists and sticky notes ! Sadly it does not make the best insulation . Today 's ' To - Do ' List The laundry actually should be pretty easy just annoying . I have only 1 ! load of laundry to do and then just a basket full of socks mostly . I really dislike socks ! I think they should automatically be attracted to their mate ! As far as the coupons go I actually did get through a huge stack of them and then when I opened up my door this morning I saw that my friend dropped off more coupons for me to go through . At least I bought a new coupon organizer the other week so I actually can have a chance of getting this done . The library book thing has me worried . While Katherine was reading her book she found that one of the page corners was completely torn out ! And not from us this was damage apparently the library never caught before . I 'm afraid they are going to charge me for the book . It 's not that I mind helping out the library but I don 't want to be accused for something we did not do . Katherine has picture day this week so she 's decided it 's time to remove her bangs from her nose ! So my menu item is already crossed off . I have a pretty simple menu this week . I 'm getting better but I 'm not up to par and I 'd like to make sure we actually can feel up to following the menu instead of doing like last night and ending up getting take - out . I am trying to be a bit more realistic about my ' lists ' so I will also look at a To - List for the week . If I can cross them off today then great if I can 't well they are planned for later in the week anyway . Mow the yards Fix kids ' door to playroom ( No this hasn 't been done yet ! It is just leaning up in the doorway ! ) Brielle 's 2nd Ortho appointment I 'm sure a million other things will come up during the course of the week and of course my # 1 Goal is just to survive work . Well it 's almost 8 : 30 ! EEP ! I better get going on this day if I 'm going to get stuff done ! Oh yes we have bagels in the home ! They are very funny looking though aren 't they ? And shouldn 't there be 10 of them ? Well yes , thank you for pointing that out there should be 10 but 2 look like crescent moons and we snacked on those . So why bagels ? Well a couple reasons the first was I was going stir crazy being home sick . Peter and the girls went out but I still was not well enough to venture out into the world ( don 't worry I washed my hands a LOT while cooking and thankfully I 'm over my coughing fits so no worries there ) . So here I am with lots of time and this cookbook I got from the library a couple weeks ago called , The Ultimate Bread Machine Cookbook by Tom Lacalamita . Now I 'm not going to go through all the nitty gritty of when to pull out the dough and all that . Basically I 'd suggest reading your bread machine 's manual or googling it online . It is very possible to do this by hand and wouldn 't be any harder than making any other kind of yeast bread at home . I actually have a bread machine at home and while trying to prepare for this over the last few days I found out a few things that I never really bothered to pay attention to . 1 . My bread maker can make jam ? Who would have thunk it . 2 . My bread maker has a bagel dough option ! Only difference between an egg bagel and a normal bagel is quite literally the egg . Omit that and you get plain bagels . The recipe called for Dark Brown Sugar for everything I used Light Brown Sugar because that is what I had and it still came out good so use what you have . Watch the mixing process if need be use a spatula or wooden spoon and move excess flour out of the corners of the bread machine . It will seriously look like there isn 't enough water to get everything worked together but there actually is ! Now the recipe says to work dough on cornmeal dusted surface . This is fine and to dust your hands with it is fine too . It helps it from not sticking though just like using flour ( which I would guess you could also use very lightly though ) it will dry out the dough some but not horrifically . I used white cornmeal but either would be fine . You can either take your piece of dough and roll it out between your hands or on a surface and then loop it back together but my experience with that is make sure your ends are well kneaded together otherwise you run the risk of them breaking open and you get the crescent moon shape . The other option which I found is a little interesting but by no means wrong is to work your dough together and then work your thumbs through the middle and stretch out the dough slowly working it . Then twist the dough around so the inner part is more towards the outer this doesn 't need to be perfect . The good thing about this option , although I found it awkward to do , is that you run a lot less risk of the bagel making weird half shapes . Cover worked bagels with towel or plastic wrap and keep in a warm area for 15 - 30 minutes until bagels have rose again . People say ' doubled in size ' but I 've never quite considered dough to ever ' double ' . During this time you want to take 3 quarts of water with 1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar ( dark or light ) and set it to boil and preheat your oven to 425 degrees . Once water is boiling and bagel dough is ready you want to take only about 3 bagels at a time and put them into the boiling water . Be careful not to press , squish , or pinch the bagels at this point . Boil for 3 minutes turning the bagels periodically . Using a slotted spoon remove the bagels at the end of the time and then place on wire rack so they can drop off any excess water . Dusted my bagels with cornmeal though not necessary . The recipe says to put the bagels on a cornmeal dusted baking pan . I found out that the cornmeal was burning , the bagels were sticking and it because a fiasco ! Grease your baking pan ! I just took some spray vegetable oil and coated the pan real quick . You could probably very easily use shortening if you prefer . Bake bagels in a 425 degree preheated oven for 15 minutes , turn bagels over and bake another 10 minutes and then cool on wire rack . These were very good when first out of the oven no butter or anything ! But they are also very good this Sunday morning , sliced , toasted and with a bit of butter . Now if you make egg bagels remember that they MUST be refrigerated ! These are not the type of bagels you leave in your countertop bread box ! Posted by So I got up at 7am today and not because I went to bed early but rather I slept on the couch after finding laying in my bed made me very ill . So today I 'm starting off broken again and all the wellness I started to gain back feel like a long lost dream . I 'm really not as ' bad ' as I was but everything went in my throat so that 's hurting really super bad . So Peter takes Brielle out to play Magic the Gathering ( a card game ) every Friday night . During this one on one time with Katherine I generally take her down to the Y so she can use that overload of energy she has but this week as sick as I was I didn 't want to be anywhere near that pool room . Katherine was disappointed even though I was suggesting really fun things and then I landed on playing with clay . Now to note if you ever thought about getting one of those pottery wheels . . . yeah the clay that comes with it is horrific ! ! I mean it is just bad ! In any case though we got it to work well enough ( yes this kids pottery wheel was a present to me for Christmas everyone thought I was crazy but there is something about working with clay even bad clay ) . See ! Now doesn 't that look like fun ! It was a horrible mess in all truth but she enjoyed every bit of it . Once the wibbly wobbly pot like thing which has walls so thick it 'll take a century to dry . . . but she loves it . . . was done we cleaned ourselves up and moved onto our next thing . Peter had bought a white T - shirt for Katherine for school but the plan of the school was to cut it up so he instead traded it out for one of his old white undershirts and now we were left with a T - shirt ! Oh the horror ! ( can you tell I haven 't gotten coffee into me yet ? ) Well we couldn 't let that be so I found some T - Shirt print paper that I have had on my desk for at least 5 years ! But we 've never used it . Truthfully I know it was given to us but I can 't even remember by whom any more . Katherine really wanted a dinosaur so we found one she liked and we printed it and ironed it on . We had no clue what we were doing so of course this one turned out great . The key with these things is take your time and pretty much no such thing as over ironing . By time we got to the second one I think just the picture was light but it turned out okay ( see bottom dinosaur ) but then Katherine got tuckered out as I mentally cursed the printer and fought with it for an hour and she just could not wake up long enough to help with ironing her name on . I , myself , was so tired that I didn 't iron it on long enough ! Oops : ( But I think she 'll still love it . We 're already talking about how we need to get rid of a bunch of her shirts and give her a custom wardrobe . So it 's Friday . . . * week horray * I 've been sick . . . I mean horrifically ill ! Last week I went to the doctor and started treatment for a double ear infection and an upper respiratory infection and my oldest daughter , Brielle , had still a lingering cold going on . We went on our vacation anyway though and enjoyed ourselves though by Monday night I was very worn down but I thought it was just the drive home . By Tuesday I was pushing through work hardly able to focus and by Wednesday I was calling in sick along with Thursday . I 've been bedridden those days and today I pushed myself to go into work because my supervisors tone sounded a bit off when I had called in the other days . I have plenty of sick leave but seeing how I am the only drafter for the entire plant things very often land on my lap . Example of what happens when I 'm gone : Engineer came to me today with a marked up drawing 2 revisions old so half the stuff he was marking up was already on the newest revision . . . . probably more than half I 'm trying to be nice here . Anyway , so I went into work today and then was informed by three different people while I was there that I should have stayed home in bed . And what ? Let work pile up on me ? My job could easily be a 40 hrs / week job I just choose to work 20 hrs / week for my family 's sake . So my $ 39 . 79 trip . Not very impressive at all . Word of advice don 't go to the grocery store having not ate for the day . I don 't really feel hungry because of this illness so I was kind of just grabbing things out of the feeling that we just needed food in the house . Well first the dishes stack up . Now again to give credit where credit is due Peter did do one load of dishes for me back on Tuesday when I was first laid up with this ick so it 's not as bad as it could have been . I think everything has started to migrate to the floor and flat surfaces from the deepest crevices of our home ! Naw we don 't have a laundry hamper in the laundry room . We 've got a nice floor . . . . Anyone else experiences this daily ? Truthfully I did pick up most of it yesterday before I nearly collapsed wheezing . I 've been washing . . . It 's been stacking ! Sad thing is the dryer is full right now too ! I think I might have clothes in the washer too everything is a bit hazy . So my goals for this weekend : Dishes - Other cleaning I think I 'm going to try and hold off a little otherwise I 'll work against my second goal I already listed . Tomorrow is Free Magic Day ( they have some other name for it like Magic Celebration but it 's free so we call it what it is ) across the country so the kids will be down at the card shop . I already warned Peter it 's going to really depend on how I feel on if I can go or not . I need to not push myself so hard otherwise I 'll never get well . I think I 'll leave it at that . There are a billion things I want to get done . A billion more I never got done this past week but I really can 't stand being ill much longer it makes me twitch and want to kill stuff because I feel so gosh darn useless ! Hope everyone else has a great weekend ! Posted by
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Liz : I always knew that I wanted kids and then I started to doubt that I wanted kids . I always wanted kids . When I was six someone asked me what I wanted to do for a living and I said that I wanted to be a mom . But then , years went by and I was single and I think I was pretty depressed about being single and then We had been dating maybe a month , and he said one morning , do you want kids and I said , yeah . And that sort of surprised me too . And I said , does that make you nervous ? And he said , yeah . But it was my gut response . Probably my mid - twenties . My mother had her kids when she was 24 , 26 , 30 and then I started to be those ages and I thought , I could not have a kid . Even if I had been in a relationship , I don 't feel like I was capable of having a kid at that point . Liz : My mom met my dad when she was 15 . It 's just generationally different . They got married and had kids . And , I think that because of the internet and travel being cheaper , we have a million other things to do , whereas marrying young doesn 't happen as much . I think the drawbacks to having kids later probably measure out to the same as having them earlier . You have less time with them more than likely . My kids will have less time with me than I have with my parents . Liz : I doesn 't seem to have . I 've been to the maternal - fetal medicine specialist because my mom had problems and because I am advanced maternal age , and they said , everything looks really good . I can 't complain about anything in my pregnancy except for the nerves . I haven 't felt sick ; I haven 't thrown up . I feel fine . Liz : I know that this baby needs another ten weeks of gestation . It 's just that unknown . Every ache pain , cramp , everything I put in my mouth , can I eat that , can I not ? Liz : Yes . All my lab results are good . I just think until this child comes out and both of us are responsible for it , I 'm the only one responsible for it . I wanted a sip of wine the other day and our doctor said no , and I said to him , it 's not about the alcohol , it 's about feeling normal . I feel fine , but I never feel normal anymore because every single thing I put in my body , every action I do , I think about this baby . Liz : No . I do think that because the American College of Gynecologists wants to cover their asses they are doing a lot of telling you you can 't have certain things so I then look up , well does Europe do that ? If Europe and America agree , then I won 't eat it , but smoked salmon , England eats , so I 'm going for it . Liz : I switched to a midwife recently and I was talking to the nurse when making the appointments and she said I had to have a doctor to go along with my midwife and she said this particular doctor is very blunt and then this other doctor will talk to you for hours . And I said , who has the lowest C - section rate ? That was my deciding factor because , when a woman has been in labor for hours and the red sox game is coming on , I 've seen doctors make the call to do a C - section . Liz : Vanity speaking , I now show and most people at 14 weeks don 't show . I read that because my core was not solidly in shape , that there 's no muscles holding in my uterus . I would tell myself to be in good shape . The better shape you are in , the better your recovery will be . Liz : So many of my friends have kids and I always tried to be very understanding . I always really liked babies and I would go over and help out . I think I had a hard time when I was a non - mom not by choice . I had a particular friend who , it was right around when my dad died , and she found out that she was having a second boy and she told me about the " grief " she was experiencing , from this planned , health pregnancy ! - because she was having a boy instead of a girl , and I had a really hard time forgiving that . She and I had talked very openly about how much I did want kids and it wasn 't in the cards . So for her to use the word grief , I was so taken aback . Liz : Yes , knowing the feeling of longing to have kids and not being in a position to have them . Those conversations are not where you want to be . I didn 't always want to hear the pregnancy talk from my friends with their big bellies , but I listened . Who Decides ? From the editors : Visual artist and writer Joyce Hayden has contributed one of her definition collages and an excerpt from her memoir . Continue the conversation with Joyce in the comments ! " You two should have a baby , " my roommate Mia said . " Then you can stay home and write your children 's books " [ my dream at the time … writing children 's books , not having a baby ] . The possibility thrilled me . For about five seconds . Until I remembered who I was partnered with . I was 25 , in love for the first time , with the first guy I 'd ever had a second date with . I was never the girl who dreamed of white weddings and picket fences . Never the girl who imagined a houseful of toddler laughter and diaper changes . My classmate , Laurie Gates , was standing beside me . We were in my living room , looking at family pictures hanging on the wall . The one of the little blond boy . My mother was answering Laurie 's question . I was 10 years old . Fourth grade . That was THE MOMENT when I finally knew what " dead " meant . The blonde boy in the frame was never coming back . My brother , who I thought was just missing , was never coming home . The first time I met him , I couldn 't stop smiling . He looked at me , then immediately ran to his room , bringing back a book . Rushing towards me , he shouted , " Read ! Read ! " He jumped into my lap and , as I turned the pages , I never wanted him to leave . The boy was David Mason , the son of Kevin 's friends , Billy and Lorraine . For six months , I longed to have a baby . Longed for Mia 's wish for me to come true . Longed to dance around the living room with a baby in my arms . For six months , I made the argument , both in my head and aloud , how a baby would improve our lives . I was 28 , the perfect age , I reasoned . I was met with one of two responses : " Not now " or silence . Standing in the shower one Monday morning , I let the hot water scald me . I daydreamed about different ways " out . " I was twelve years old , trying to choose between pills , a razor blade , or a bullet . I knew I couldn 't survive one more weekend at Uncle Bob 's house . Couldn 't take one more encounter of his hands on my body . In the shower I came to a realization : I could never have a child . Because parents cannot keep their children safe . As the water tumbled over my hair and face , I imagined a big red house , deep in the woods . A line of smoke rising from the chimney . The house was full of runaways … . of kids who needed a safe place to live . I saw myself as the caretaker of this house . And there was only one rule : any kid who made it here , could never be taken away by any adult for any reason . I laid on my back in the cold June water of Lake Sunapee . Tears trickled down the side of my face , as the sun dappled the leaves above me in green and yellow . " I do not want this I do not want this I do not want this , " I sobbed . I knew in my gut that I was pregnant . At 30 years old , any desire I had for a child had vanished . I was in a position I promised myself I would never experience : having to consider an abortion . Although I had always believed in a woman 's right to choose , I did not want to have to make the decision myself . I pulled my body from the water and sat on the private dock . Perpetual bruises glared on my biceps , to the point that at work , I had to wear long sleeves to hide the marks . My memory recalled the crash of wine bottles and house plants thrown as I ducked . It was a surprise to me that I hadn 't yet been hospitalized with Shaken Baby Syndrome . On the morning when I awoke in a pool of thick dark blood , I cried with pity . I cried with relief . Though I 've been called a spinster , by my mother ; although many people assume I am gay ; although I 've been asked repeatedly by colleagues , students , friends ' friends , doctors , and strangers how many children I have , the one thing I don 't have is regret . Once I reached 50 , I knew that was a poison that could swallow me whole . Looking back , I believe that if I 'd found a more loving partner , one I trusted would hold a job and offer emotional support to both myself and a child , then I might have made a different choice . But I didn 't believe that guy existed for me ; I didn 't even understand , until I was 40 something , that while nothing is promised , there are steps parents can take to maximize their child 's safety in the world . Nonetheless , I feel blessed I found safety for myself . Recently retired English Instructor , Joyce Hayden , spends her days hiking , writing , and creating art . She travels the country exhibiting her work in galleries , leading gratitude painting workshops , and working on her memoir , The Out of Body Girl . You can follow her on Facebook and her website YesRiskJoy . I never thought , " I 'm never going to have kids " until recently . I said it out loud for the first time the other day to my friend . I was surprised that it came out so naturally . I thought about having one on my own , but I just think my life would change too much , and I don 't know if I have the support system for it . So much of my time is spent making money , and I would have to give that up plus put money in . Kids cost a lot when you don 't have a built in baby sitter . Melissa : I think when I meet people casually , as soon as they find out how old I am , it changes their point of view . There are men who have an idea what a good age is for a mate , whether they want kids or not . That 's my experience . The other thing is : I don 't feel like I can 't have a baby . I don 't feel like my body is old . I feel healthy and young . But my body inside could tell me something totally different . Melissa : I 've thought about fostering . So much would have to change . I don 't think my brain has fully wrapped around time for me to rush into doing anything . Melissa : Yeah , I definitely think so . That 's the only time I get upset . I just teared up a little bit . What if I do meet someone , and he really wants kids and it can 't happen . Or , if I really want kids because I love the person that much . Melissa : If he told me right off the bat , I would still date him . And if I fell in love with him , and he said let 's go travel all the time , that would be fine with me . I would need something of substance to take that space other than the normal get up have breakfast , go to work , then have dinner . I would need something to take the place of kids . We could buy a bigger house with a lot of land to foster dogs . Do something more giving . I foster dogs . Not only do I have my own two dogs , but I hold dogs and take care of them until they can be adopted . That would fill that need . Melissa : I can do anything , for the most part . I have to make sure someone can come and let my dogs out . So , I can ' be totally spontaneous . Little things : my house doesn 't have to be spotless all the time . I can nap in the middle of the day . I napped yesterday , and I thought , so many people can 't do this because they have kids . I don 't have to think about being frivolous with my money . I can spend it on whatever I want to . I suppose these are little things compared to being a mom . But , sometimes I listen to the radio in the morning and all the people do is complain about their kids . I see the misery that my parents went through , and I don 't know . I know there are so many good things , but there 's so much sacrifice . And you 're glad to do it once you become a mother , or at least you do it . My friend has fertility issues , and she was at a party and a woman with three kids turned to her and said , " you are so lucky you don 't have kids . " My friend said to me when she was telling me the story : " lucky " is when you have a healthy child . If you don 't have kids , you either chose not to or you are unlucky . I also hear it from my students , " Oh , you don 't have kids . Oh . Really ? " I say , " no , I have fur babies . " Melissa : A little bit . I have to nurture them . I have to make sure they are good dogs for their society . But I can leave them home for hours without someone taking care of them . When I 'm working I have to make sure someone comes and walks them and lets them out . And the financial part of taking care of dogs is a fraction of taking care of kids but it is still vets and good food . When my dog had one little rash , we were in for hundreds of dollars . I guess I get worried and nervous . They are like babies because they can 't take care of themselves . So it helps it a little bit . Melissa : I would advise someone to not have kids just because society tells them to . That 's the wrong reason . You need to do it because you want to and because you think you 'll be able to give the best life possible . I see it all the time : house , marriage , kids . Sometimes I don 't think people actually sit back and think , maybe we don 't want kids , and if we don 't it 's okay . My journey took a sharp turn in college , when I came out as a lesbian the summer after my freshman year . My mother insisted it was just a phase . I vehemently denied it , but secretly felt a sense of loss , wondering if this meant I was giving up the fantasy life I had dreamed of as a child . I worried my new identity would prevent me from becoming the wife and mother I always thought I 'd be . I grew to know myself better over the next four years , as many do during college . I moved to the Midwest for graduate school and started dating a straight cis - gendered male , as if confirming for my mother that my foray into lesbianism was indeed just a phase . He had no interest in having children . He was a proud member of what I soon learned to be called the " zero population growth movement " ( ZPG ) and I , too , now in love , was soon convinced of its principles . According to those in the movement , a demographic balance where the population neither grows nor declines is an ideal to which the whole world should aspire in the interest of pursuing long - term environmental sustainability . ( American sociologist and demographer Kingsley Davis is credited with coining the term ) . I was in the thick of my Ph . D . program in resource economics , and I endeavored to apply what I was learning to my real life . The overarching goal of resource economists is to better understand the role of natural resources in the economy in order to develop methods of managing those resources to ensure their availability to future generations . So , naturally , the zero population growth movement intrigued me . Sounds scary right ? So , I thought I should " do the right thing " and voluntarily have no children . After all , I was born into a situation of privilege - unlike many women without the financial , physical , or political means to access contraception and other family planning services . They would not be able to make this voluntary choice , so it was my responsibility to share the burden . In Spring of 2011 I met the woman who would become my wife . She had dreamed of having children her whole life and told me many times over the first year of our relationship what an amazing mother she thought I would be . But I continued to beat the drum of ZPG , now adding even more economic flair to the narrative . In a lesbian relationship conceiving a baby is no small expense . The methods available can cost anywhere from hundreds , to tens of thousands of dollars each try . I posed this to my partner , " Think about all the things we could do with that money instead . " We could save , travel more , invest in our hobbies , live for ourselves and be perfectly happy . Or so 25 - year - old me thought . After a couple years , I had convinced my wife of the storyline , and she no longer pushed the baby plan . Then , in 2014 everyone I knew ( or at least it seemed ) started having babies . It wasn 't until my younger sister gave birth to my nephew that year that it really hit me . " I want this " . But now it was me who had to convince my wife that having a baby was a good idea . I was flip - flopping and she wondered why . Except this time I didn 't have any economic storyline to provide . I could no longer employ cost - benefit analysis as to why we SHOULD have a baby , it was just a FEELING . Ugh , feelings . I was confused and conflicted with these things I hadn 't felt since childhood . I even felt guilty for wanting something that I knew I couldn 't reason through . When I try to explain WHY I want to have a child , all the reasons sound narcissistic at best . But , here we are … ( maybe ? ) back on the baby plan . And boy , does it involve a great deal of planning . Every day I tell my students that every decision involves costs and benefits , and only by carefully and intentionally weighing those costs and benefits can we hope to make good decisions . I do think that approaching my pregnancy planning with an economic eye will help me , but I think there may be more wiggle room than I was previously willing to admit . But one thing that I can agree with in The Atlantic article is this : " It became clear quickly that I 'd have to come up with my own framework - to structure the decisions on my own . " So here I am , with economic tool box in hand , accepting that as methodical as I may plan to be , sometimes I might just have to wing it . Hillary Sackett - Brian is an Assistant Professor of Economics at Westfield State University where she teaches Environmental and Natural Resource Economics among other courses . She lives in Brattleboro , VT with her wife Rachel , three dogs ( Gunner , Duke , and Raisin ) and two cats ( Grover and Gatsby ) . In her spare time she enjoys trail running , garage - saling , and coffee drinking . Follow her on Twitter @ HillarySackett . A Doula 's Wisdom : Interview with Sarah Thayer From the Editors : We recently interviewed Sarah Thayer , a certified and trained birth doula who is now a nursing student with plans to become a nurse midwife . With eleven years experience working with pregnant and laboring women , she offers us an observer 's perspective on pregnancy over 35 . MS : Can you describe your role as a women 's health care professional ? Sarah : I worked as a certified and trained birth doula from 2003 until 2014 . I am also a licensed massage therapist and have been licensed in the state of Connecticut since 2004 . In my massage practice I see both men and women but have specialized training in pregnancy massage . I have an undergraduate degree from Central Connecticut State University in sociology . I am a nursing student at Capital Community College in Hartford , CT and will graduate with an associates degree in nursing in 2017 . Upon receiving my RN license , I intend to continue to graduate school to become a nurse midwife with a clinical doctorate degree . As a birth doula I worked with women and their families to help them have their own best birth experience . Birth doula 's do not provide clinical care , but rather help their clients during pregnancy , labor , birth , and the immediate postpartum to have a positive birth experience . This is different for every woman and family . This element made my job endlessly interesting . Primarily I listen to women . I try to understand how I can best support each mother and family in a way that empowers her to make her own best choices . Because I am familiar with the policies of hospitals and different medical practices , I can give referrals , when asked , to providers and facilities that may be a good match for the goals of an expectant mother . There isn 't a wrong way to have a baby , but knowing all of your options and picking the provider and place to birth that is in alignment with your goals is the first step to a positive birth experience . Sarah : We have the ability to know more about fetal development because of new genetic tests and advances in technology . I think it can be difficult for patients to navigate understanding what the tests are , what the purpose of them is , what the results mean and don 't mean , and if they have to undergo all the screenings that they are sent for . For example , some screenings simply say that there may be an abnormality that may indicate that further testing is needed to see if there is , in fact , something not developing normally . Further testing could reveal everything is progressing perfectly fine , but more invasive tests , like amniocentesis , come with risks of their own like infection or miscarriage . It can be a roller coaster for women who feel anxious and frightened while waiting for results when , in fact , everything is fine . It is true that there is a higher increase in fetal genetic abnormalities when a mother is over 35 . It is also true that there are higher risks of miscarriage and other complications when a mother is over 35 . I think that women need to soul search a little bit and make informed decisions about the purpose of testing . Is there a family history of congenital abnormalities that warrants exploration ? Does the mother have a history of recurrent miscarriage that would indicate genetic testing ? Is the woman thinking she may end a pregnancy that has markers of genetic abnormalities , or is that not a choice that she is considering ? Is this a woman that finds comfort in more information rather than less ? I think one of the problems is that the medical system doesn 't always do a great job of educating patients about which tests are mandatory and which tests are optional and what the pros / cons of a test are . In general , the medical establishment functions in a " More is Better " , mentality without the shared decision making between patients and providers which would empower patients to decide which tests are most valuable to this woman in this pregnancy . Again , this is where provider choice is extremely important . Pregnant women should never hesitate to leave a practice where she doesn 't feel listened to or where she isn 't given informed consent of every test or procedure that is entered into . Sarah : In my present roles as doula , massage therapist , and nursing student I am unable to give medical or health related advice . That said , my best non medical advice is to think about the type of care you want to receive , how you want to experience pregnancy , what kind of birth experience you think you want . Ask other women about their doctor and midwife recommendations . Women generally like to share their birth stories , so ask them ! What did they like about a doctor , midwife , or hospital / birthcenter / home birth experience ? Midwifery care is different from OB care . Hospitals that look very similar from the outside may have vastly different policies on the inside that impact patient satisfaction and health outcomes for mother and baby . Living an active , healthy and balanced life is a great way to start a pregnancy . Common knowledge like being at a healthy weight , eating a balanced diet full of fruits , veggies , whole grains ; these are great things to do for general well being . Everyone 's experience of pregnancy is different . Some people just feel awful the whole time , while others glow and adore every aspect of pregnancy . Most of us fall somewhere in between with highs and lows across the full 40 weeks . Sarah : There are differences between a pregnancy in your 20 's and early 30 's vs . over 35 . Again , I am harping on the point of choosing the right provider again . Some providers view pregnancy as a normal physiological event that only requires intervention once there is a deviation from normal . Other providers see pregnancy as inherently risky that requires constant vigilance to avoid complications . Healthy women , age 35 and older often have normal boring pregnancies . Finding a provider who views pregnancy as a normal process is the first step to having lower interventions . Women over 35 are more likely to be offered higher level screenings that may not be necessary or helpful if the results are not something that you need . Sometimes women who are over 35 may have had history of pregnancy losses , fertility difficulties , or complicated fertility treatments to become pregnant . Even women who have had hormone therapy , IVF or IUI to become pregnant can have a low tech , low intervention pregnancy . It can be difficult to change gears from frequent progesterone shots and ultrasounds to monthly appointments with no tests at all . We bring all of our life experiences , hopes and dreams right with us to pregnancy and birth . Our journey to pregnancy certainly shapes our experience . Someone who has tried for a long time with losses and disappointments along the way will have a different pregnancy than someone who conceived the first try . A complicated conception doesn 't mean a hard pregnancy and birth , nor does an easy conception promise a care free & easy pregnancy and birth . I do think that the harder the journey to pregnancy the more difficult it can be for expectant families to decline higher levels of screening which may or may not be needed . More information does not always illicit better outcomes ; it can create anxiety where it doesn 't need to be experienced Sarah : Deciding to have a baby is deeply personal . Pregnancy , childbirth , and motherhood are nearly ubiquitous roles for American women in their 30 's ; so much so that my friends without children can be made to feel like outsiders as women . I wholly respect the decision to have or not have children . In my opinion there often isn 't a ' perfect time ' to have a baby . Physiologically , a woman 's fertility does start to decline in her 30 's and significantly declines at 40 and beyond . If a woman is 35 and knows she would like to have a baby but isn 't ready or hasn 't found the right partner , harvesting and storing eggs is an option , although a pricey one . There are better IVF outcomes with younger eggs than older ones . So if a woman has the means and wants some more time , this can be a decent option . If you are 35 or older , you shouldn 't let the whole ' geriatric ' pregnancy label dissuade you . Consult with your MD or midwife about your plans to get pregnant and ask questions about how long it should take if you are coming off of hormonal contraception . There are ways to track ovulation to make sure your cycles are the appropriate length while also determining the best window for conception . There are many things to consider when starting a family and every woman 's priorities are different . Motherhood and parenthood is a rollercoaster that impacts every single area of who you are as a person . Once a new baby enter 's a family their entire lives are totally changed . You learn to know yourself as a mother , your partner as a father / mother , and what was amazing and or horrible about your own childhood and parents . The desire to have children is great and biological . No one really knows what they are doing , but overwhelmingly we parents get a lot right and some wrong along the way . Its really hard to prepare for something so unknown . My best advice is to have community . Read books , listen to the stories of women and mothers you aspire to be like , and attend childbirth classes that empower you to make your own best choice . Dream with your partner about how you will parent together and get through the big scary fears we all have , and go for it ! My oldest child is 11 and there wasn 't quite the deluge of information on the internet when I was pregnant and home with a newborn . I distinctly remember being at home with a 2 week old baby , pouring through a baby manual , and coming to the realization that no one really knows what the hell they are doing . As parents we are all winging it to some degree . There is something comforting about this because it allows you to let go and get in touch with your instincts . Since then I have had clients show me elaborate graphs generated from Apps that show the number of feedings , diaper changes , burps , etc over the course of a day , week , month . This would not have been helpful to me . Read encouraging things , and not frightening things . There is no shortage of internet advice , child raising books , or anecdotal information that will undermine the power of your presence and your expertise about what your own child needs . Once you have read the facts about something , make an informed decision , follow your gut , and don 't look back . My first baby what what we call a ' high needs baby ' who wanted to be in arms and nurse constantly . I learned quickly to try my best to have a short memory , to not calculate how much sleep was accomplished or lost . Be in the moment . Try to find the joy in right now , or the hard in the moment with the knowledge that this too shall pass . In my mothering of older children now , I have to remind myself of the same lessons . Enjoy right now and let tomorrow worry about itself . That joyful / annoying stage is fleeting and will be different next week . Sarah : A doula provides physical , emotional , and educational supports to women and their families during pregnancy , childbirth , and the postpartum period . One of the things that can be a pro and con of a ' geriatric pregnancy ' is that there is more life experience for expectant families . Older women who have careers and are used to being in charge of things can be really broadsided by how little control we actually have in pregnancy , birth , and the early days of mothering . Older women are used to be being competent and knowledgable about things , and suddenly they find themselves having no idea what to do . It is an uncomfortable yet completely normal part of the experience . Having an experienced doula to listen to you and normalize something that feels foreign can be very useful . Doulas are supportive of dads and partners too . Partners do not have to feel like the experience is solely riding on his shoulders . Birth is extremely intense for loved ones as well . They want to be helpful but often don 't want to do the wrong thing . The doula is like your birth consultant . She knows what is most important to you and will help you achieve it . The doula will let your partner be at his or her best . The birth partner should be there to love you and experience this with you . The doula can remind the partner to eat , take breaks , show how to rub the laboring mom 's back etc . Older couples often see the value in this type of service because it is like having expert comfort advice right at your finger tips . Doulas also have a knack for placing a cool cloth on your neck or feeding you ice chips without you needing to ask . Sarah : You have options . Just because you have been seeing the same OB / GYN for 20 years doesn 't mean that they are the best fit for your care during pregnancy and birth . Your birth experience is something you will remember for your entire life . I have heard the most beautiful and appalling birth stories from elderly women who can recall very specific details about their births . Women remember . Talk about your fears ! Don 't hide them and foster them without the care of others . If you are being kept awake at night because of fear of childbirth , talk to your care provider and get connected with people who can share their positive stories . Our bodies are structured to do this . Look around at all the people around us and know that a mother somewhere birthed that person . There would be far fewer people on the planet if childbirth were always as horrible and scary as the worst story you have heard . Lastly , ignore the cultural hazing of pregnant women . People scare pregnant women . You will never hear more awful birth and death stories or parenting nightmares as when you are pregnant . Unfortunately , women who are hurting often don 't have a place to share their pain about births that have gone wrong and a lot of that sharing lands at the feet of pregnant women . Its okay to not listen to that . More importantly , find positive and realistic stories rather than the worst case scenario tales . To Win a Free I . V . F . Cycle , Contestants Share Losses , Grief and Hope . Is it Worth It ? [ Motherlode , New York Times Parenkinhyting Blog ]
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Posted on February 3 , 2011 by transplantedx3 As you can imagine , this was a difficult post to write , I 've gone back and forth about whether or not to post it . It deals with the morning David died and it 's raw . Raw and emotional and I thought it best to say so , upfront , just in case you 're not up to shouldering some of the hurt . Because there 's a lot of hurt . There had been talk of the oscillator , but they had tried to hold off as long as possible . By 6am , they couldn 't wait any longer . There was no choice left but to put him on life support . The oscillator is a horrible apparatus , it is a piston based machine that creates constant motion . It caused David 's entire body to vibrate non - stop . It was a jarring presence in the peaceful atmosphere I tried so hard to hold on to . By 8 : 30am he was having some drops in blood pressure and heart - rate , something he 'd been doing sporadically . They needed to place an arterial line and start support meds for his heart . Everyone was very calm , business as usual . I tried to catch my breath in the elevator , I was scared and alone . I knew I may have to face this all by myself - my husband was an hour and a half away . I took a deep breath and walked into the throng of people that had gathered outside our room . I watched as they worked over him , the images are so firmly etched in my head that I see them whenever I close my eyes . I 'd seen them bag him before , but never with the urgency I saw at that moment . The Attending doctor pulled me into the hallway to talk . Ironically this is the same Attending that admitted us , all those months ago . We hadn 't seen him since . He explained to me that there comes a time to decide . To differentiate between doing things for him and doing things to him . We were no longer doing things for him . I understood and all I could say was , My husband 's not here , can we hang on until he arrives ? His heart stopped . I replay the words over and over again in my head , his heart stopped and then suddenly , with an increased frenetic pace , the Attending began chest compressions . Again and again and again , I wanted to shout Enough ! Enough already ! Please stop ! But I didn 't . I let them continue , his Daddy wasn 't there and I couldn 't let him go by myself . Some how , they brought him back . Not David , not really , not my Capt Snuggles . I think he took flight the minute his heart stopped . But they kick - started his heart and kept blowing air into his lungs until his Daddy arrived . Which he did shortly , by now it was almost 11am . The doctors gathered and ushered us into a small conference room . They said everything I already knew . I looked at each one of them telling me all these things and it didn 't matter . It didn 't matter that they all loved him , because I 'm sure that they did . It didn 't matter that they did the best they could , because I know that they tried . It didn 't matter that they thought I was a good mother , because I still couldn 't change the outcome . None of what they said mattered . We returned to the room . They brought in a rocking chair and I held him . I held him while that awful oscillator vibrated and vibrated and vibrated and finally , I told my Hub to get the nurse - I was ready , I wanted , needed them to turn off that awful machine , just so I could hold him in peace . They came . The drips keeping his heart pumping were stopped . That awful machine was turned off and they removed the breathing tube from his nose . I was finally able to look at my sweet boys ' face without the tape and tubes . I held him when the Attending came in to listen for his heartbeat . I held him when the Attending called out 12 : 15 . I held him while they left us alone and I cried . I cried for all the hurt and pain that he had endured . I cried for all the lost hope and the pure senselessness of the whole situation . I cried for the boy that would never grow old and I cried for the emptiness and brokenness that would haunt me for the rest of my days . Then we washed all traces of blood and tears away from Capt Snuggles . We rubbed baby lotion on his arms and legs and his sweet face , just like he was getting ready for sleep . We dressed him and wrapped him in his blanket . I had to leave , it was more than time . It may very well be the hardest thing I 've ever had to do . To put one foot in front of the other and walk out of that hospital room . To walk out and leave my Capt Snuggles behind . Many of us have been praying that if and when that time came , you would have strength - and you did . More than most of us can imagine ever having to deal with . You have done it with grace . I continue to pray for you , for strength to face one day at a time . I don 't have words but wanted to acknowledge this post . I am touched and heartbroken for you and your family . You honored this moment with the same honesty and grace that you honored his life . Thank you for sharing your story , your life with us . Please know that you and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of so many . My prayer is that the Lord will hold you and comfort you in His loving arms , and bring you strength that you could never find on your own . Have faith that you will see your precious boy again in Heaven . Thank you again for sharing the deepest darkest moment of pain . I feel a lump in the pit of my stomach and can only imagine holding him in those last moments , washing him , knowing it was over . I honour you for your ability to share and I am honoured to know you You express yourself better than any author I have read . Please write for us … a book would be a great gift for us and perhaps you . Just a thought . . Amy , thank you for sharing this . Writing this must have been unspeakably painful . You and David have been , and always will be , an inspiration to many people . I am a freelance writer , I write for a living . I ghostwrite for many many people - if you ever feel that writing a book would be the path that you want to take I will be more than happy to help you get this done . No , not as a client - but as a mom who cannot possibly fathom the strength that you have . Please let me know if you ever need my help - this is one thing that I can do . Oh Amy . I have no idea what to say . Please know that I will always remember Captain Snuggles , for the rest of my life I will remember his story . Thank you for sharing with us . Mindy Amy … . Thank you for sharing … There are no words for me at this moment … I want to give you a hug , and just be there for you … You 're always in my thoughts . xo I too have held my baby boy as he died . We too did not want him to suffer for our needs . I wish you peace during this time of sorrow . I am so sorry for your loss . Those words do not make things better . They only let you know that others care . I cannot even imagine . I 'm so sorry for you , for your family . Please know that you have someone on Maui praying for you all and sending you love . xoxo Wow ! Thank you for putting your heart where we can all see . That must have been hard , but I think ( at least for me ) it closed the doors on some questions . Things you had written about . You had the strength to allow your babe to leave without wires and plenty of wings . { { { { HUGS } } } } } I 'm crying . It 's not at all the same thing , but I was taking care of an orphan baby in Africa over a couple of weeks and I was there when he died too . I had to carry his body back to the orphanage . I cried for months . Hello to all that have followed my wife 's and David 's story on this blog . I think maybe I should maybe say a few words myself . Your support has greatly helped my wife through this awful time . The only thing i really remember about David passing is getting to the hospital and the first words my wife said are HE CODED . My heart fell to the floor . I know this is it . It is Nate all over again and I haven 't gotten over that yet . How can I cope ? I just want to crawl into a hole and hide . But I can 't . I have to hold it together , I can 't break down . My wife and kids will need me to be strong . I CAN ' T break down . My wife right now sits at the table with her computer sometimes on but sometimes not . But she sits there and I know she is dying inside and I can do nothing for her and it is killing me . I deal with things different than her , I have to be very active I don 't have time to break . They all need me right now so I try to find things to do so I don 't crash . To be honest I steal a few minutes at work in the bathroom to just let some go where no one can see me and no one knows but I have to let some go or explode . We have 3 other boys that need me to be strong and watch over all of us and I do this with great pride . Amy will start to function again I am sure but her heart will not be the same and all I can do is be here for her wish , I could do more . Well I need to go , starting to let a little tear slip by . Again thanks all of you for what you have done for my wife . She is my world . On a brighter note I get to start on her bath room tomorrow , hope she likes it . I LOVE YOU DAVID Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story . There are just no words to comfort you during this time , but again , I hope you can find some release in getting your words out there . And yes , we are continuing to read and feel for you and your family . I can across James ' up above , and I want to thank you also . My heart has been with your family since I first found you . James , you are a very strong man , and I am happy you to have opened up a bit . I can not imagine the grief or heartbrake your family has lived , but I want to say . I read every word you both wrote above , and my all the noises in my home seemed miles away . As if I were by a sea - side reading a story getting lost in it . At this moment in your writing I brokedown shaking " I think he took flight the minute his heart stopped . " You have strength I have never seen before . When I read your words I hang on to the very last one in each post . I will be cleaning , working on class work , cooking dinner , and can " hear " the words you wrote that I read just that morning . I do not know what your voice sounds like , but I can " hear " you all the same . You have touched my life as a woman , and as a mother ; you have touched my heart . I will be along side you in words , thoughts , and prayers as long as you allow . ( ( Hugs ) ) for both you and James alike . James and Amy , as I sit here in tears , I can only imagine what you are going through . My children were born ( mostly ) healthy . Maybe they had some issues and stopped breathing a time or two - the images of those moments are burned into my mind . A decade later they still scare me and upset me . I read your post shortly after it was available . It 's taken me this long to be able to respond . I hurt for you . I hurt for your husband . Hold onto each other . Everyone handles pain differently but in the end we 're all the same - just trying to find the strength to move forward . You are an amazing woman . I mean that . I have known just a few in my life and although you and I will probably never meet , you and your precious son have made a forever impression on me . I know everything has a purpose . There is a reason for everything that happens . Sometimes we get to know what that purpose was . Sometimes we don 't . I do know that David 's life , as short as it was , has made a huge impact on this world and just like throwing a pebble in a pond , the ripples are still being felt . The tears are streaming down my face but I am glad you felt able to write about David 's final moments with you , harrowing though it must have been . You are one strong loving Mama who did everything possible for that oh so precious little boy . The ' if only ' - s are so unfair . Sobbing reading all of this . I didn 't know anything had happened to your beautiful boy until now . I read it all , every detail your wrote . My heart just breaks for you and your family . YOu are a very strong woman . David did have a purpose and it sucks that he had to live through Hell to make his purpose known . But I agree with your pastor , he has touched many lives and a I know that doesn 't bring your Capt . Snuggles back , but his life was an example to so many that read about . A life that can be so fragile and so many things that we take for granted , he made us realize those things . I grieve for you , I pray for you , and wonder why it had to be you and your baby ? You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you continue to write your thoughts and experiences down . You are strong and brave for sharing this life story and a I thank you and I hurt for you . God Bless i am so sorry for your loss . i am left speechless , my heart is aching and i too hurt for you . lifting you in prayer for strength , hope and peace . I 'm so sorry for this terrible pain you and your family are experiencing . I 'm in tears just reading this . I pray you find some peace , as your son did that morning . I really don 't know what to say … . . but I guess many of us all feel the same way . At a loss of words , and no one can imagine your pain . But thank you for sharing - this blog is filled with so much more emotion than words convey …… . sending warm thoughts , prayers , and love to you and your family . oh Amy , there are just no words . I am so sorry . So very , very sorry . I wish that I could hug you , cry with you , pray with you … sit with you . My heart breaks for you . I have gone through a similar experience with my best friend Grace who was battling cancer at the age of 16 . I know how every single time the phone rang your heart would drop and you would be so scared that something happened . How hard it was to leave the hospital just to go home and shower or eat bc you didn 't want to leave their side . She passed away in 2007 and I cannot believe how well you explained how I cried ( like a cut that clots , but then bleeds again when it gets bumped ) . I know its not the same as losing a child , but she was the closest thing I had to a sister . I know you think about him every single day as I think about her . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Sawatdeeka from Thailand ! I made it safely on Saturday afternoon , spent the evening shopping and exploring a little in Bangkok and then headed on a long van ride to Sangklaburi in western Thailand . Yesterday we spent most of the day in the van and then settled in to our house boat that we are staying in . It 's just a big floating house on a beautiful lake surrounded by trees , mountains , and jungle - esque sights . It 's amazing . It 's sorta like camping though because we are just sleeping on really small mats on the floor and it 's essentially just outside on the lake . It reminds me of my many years spent at summer camp on Lake Shetek . The people on the trip are very awesome , I 'm excited to get to know them more as the week goes on . Today we spent our first day volunteering , and honestly I am wiped tonight . I am exhausted from basically being a human jungle gym . We had environmental day today and everyone joined in to pick up the trash around the town . There was ALOT of trash everywhere ; people aren 't very educated here about things like that . The children are amazing , very animated and really seem to just want some love - they come up and hold your hand , cuddle up next to your body . They got a kick out of all my piercings , and I think they thought my nose ring was a sticker and kept trying to pick it off . Overall it was a good day . I was a little nervous early on in the day cuz I don 't work much with younger kids , but it all ended up well in the end . This afternoon we got a tour of the children 's home ( separate from the school ) . The woman who runs the home explained a lot of things to us , and it 's pretty crazy how fortunate we are just listening to some of her stories . The home doesn 't have near enough money to meet the needs of the community , and more and more people are spilling over the border from Burma which is right where I am , basically on the border . Some parents just drop their kids off at the home because they don 't want them , some are too sick to care for them because of HIV and some just don 't have parents . IPosted by I 'm headed to Thailand in about 30 minutes ! ! Can 't wait ! Even though I have been a bit stressed these last few weeks with trying to get everything planned , I am now very excited to just get there and enjoy ! I 'll be there til January 10th - - until then the best way to get a hold of me will probably be email . If you leave me a message on Skype , I am not sure if I will be able to check it or not , sorry ! I will have my cell phone for emergencies , but it will be expensive . Merry Christmas everyone ! Enjoy your time with family and friends ! And Happy New Year ! Love y ' all ! Ashley I am the proud Auntie Ashley of Avery Elise Janssen , born on December 12 . She weighs 7 lbs 2 oz and is 20 inches long , although I am sure not for long ! ! ! I have only gotten to see her in pictures , but can 't wait to go home and hold her ! ! When I go home in August she 'll be about 8 months old and ready to play with her auntie ! Congratulations to the proud parents and garndparents : ) I know she will be loved a lot until I get there to give her my love too ! ! Dion and I decided to get into the Christmas spirit ! We 're both leaving Fujinomiya this coming weekend , so we made some Christmas cookies to celebrate ! Actually Dion was a bit more of a scrooge , but he got into the spirit after I made him ! HaHa . I am going to give the cookies out to a few of the teachers , my international exchange partner , and bring them to my Eikaiwa class Christmas party on Tuesday . The week is going to fly by I know , since I am leaving on Friday ! ! Merry Christmas everyone ! Posted by Saturday night I spent with two girls from my conversation class , Risa and Nami and Nami 's husband . Again , we had nabe , but this time with a kimchee soup , which is actually Korean and a little spicy . It was some good eats ! I had a good time with the group and am inviting them over in January for some Mexican ! Nami and her husband Kimchee nabe with cabbage , leeks , pork , chicken , tofu , and shrimp balls . Risa and Me Friday was quite a lazy day for me . I was on a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster last week , so this is how I cured myself at school on Friday : Reading the new Nicholas Sparks ' book that Jess sent me while drinking my Mango Blend from the vending machine at school ( which as become sort of a habit lately ) and writing in my awesome new journal that Jess sent me and drinking coffee . It was glorious . Friday night I went to a Christmas party with some of the ladies from my adult conversation class . It was nice to meet some new people and we had some good conversation with the help of our electronic translators . The picture is Japanese nabe - this one has a lot of mushrooms - but basically it 's whatever vegetables you choose and whatever flavor soup you want to boil it in . Then you toss in some meat - this one had some pork and some shrimp and let it simmer on the table in front of you ' til it 's finished ! Overall , it was a great Friday ! I hope there are many more to come ! Today was a good day . Nothing huge happened , it was just good all around . I got a lot of stuff done at school today for the committee I am on for the Team Teaching Magazine in Shizuoka and started working on some articles I want to send in for our Shizuoka ALT newspaper . I worked on researching hostels to stay in for Thailand and talked to my teachers about some stuff I have been putting off . Overall , just a good , productive day , almost free of boredom : ) Then when I got home I caught the delivery man just in time to get A PACKAGE ! My Texas roomie and friend Jessica sent me a care package with books , pictures , a journal , a UTEP t - shirt , some cool pens and markers , etc . It really made my night . And I got a Christmas E - card from my Aunt Ann back in Minnesota that made me feel warm and fuzzy and all those good holiday feelings . I made some really good pasta for dinner and watched a lot of Army Wives , the latest tv series I have been watching ( it 's from Lifetime and pretty darn sappy , but I love it ! ) and capped my night off with a talk with my ALT friends Jenny and Luther . I hope tomorrow is just as good ! Hey Everyone ! I haven 't updated for a bit now , but things are going really well . School has slowed down , but I have found time to study Japanese , watch some American TV , and continue working on my Thailand travel plans this past week . I also am helping correct / put comments on some senior 's translations in preparation for their college entrance exams . It seems exhausting to me how much they study . I found out today that the girl I practiced interviewing for a month didn 't get into the university she wanted . She was trying for early admittance and studied so hard . . . and didn 't make it . I swore someone who was that dedicated to studying would get in anywhere . I feel really bad for her - she seemed pulled together when she told me , but I am sure there were tears shed over the weekend ( considering my girl students were crying over losing a game of handball on Sports Day ! ) . I hope it doesn 't dampen her spirits toward English ! Today , I also stepped in for another English teacher and had a whole room of students for myself . . . . I didn 't actually have to teach , just hand back tests and supervise , but it was awesome having the room of students to myself : D Something that doesn 't happen very often since I am an assistant teacher . It was proof to me of how dedicated my students are - here 's how it went . I walked into a room of talking students since it was in between classes , but I smiled , waved and said , " hello " and I got 40 students in unison saying " hello " back to me - unplanned , but just so ingrained into their heads to respond all together ! I explained that I was going to hand back the tests and again , all in unison was " okay ! " I talked some more and when I paused " okay " and when I asked if they understood " yes ! " Seriously . All in unison . So I handed back their tests and told them they could study whatever they wanted for 15 minutes ( it was a short period , really meant only for handing back their final exams for semester 2 ) . If you did this in America , you would have 40 students standing up , walking around , talking , pulling Posted by So I have been a bit worried the last few days that my Thailand trip was going to have to be cancelled because of the protest at the Bangkok airports . A lot of progress was made today , and the Prime Minister was forced out of office and the protestors have said they will leave the airport on Wednesday . I 'm soooo happy and glad that it won 't ruin my Christmas plans . I 'm sad I won 't be at home with my family , but I would have been even more sad if I had to change my plans to volunteer and travel in December and January ! So , it looks like the plan is still on ! I will be volunteering at Baan Unrak ( House of Joy ) Children 's Home from December 21 - December 28 and then traveling until the 10th of January . You can read about Baan Unrak here : www . baanunrak . org / You can see pictures of my most recent trip to Nikko ( North of Tokyo ) here : http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / jans0176 / sets / 72157610493813636 / In other news , I am still loving my adult conversation class . I have been going out for coffee with them each week after class as well , and one of them invited me to a Christmas Party with some friends next week . I have been trying to study Japanese a lot this week . . . I feel like I am not moving very quickly . But I have started to try using it more in every day life . It 's easy to just not ask questions and not say anything . . . as it 's what I have been doing for a few months now . So I am working on using Japanese whenever I can . . . using it is the only way I 'll get better , right ? ! I tell my students that , so I am trying to do the same thing . We 'll see how it works out . I am also starting / joining a Spanish conversation club . Me and another teacher here thought it would be a good thing to get together once a month to practice speaking Spanish , so we don 't lose our speaking abilities while we are here . I 'm looking forward to it , although a little nervous that I 've gone rusty . But , we 're all in the same boat , so it will be nice to have somewhere to practice . This starts next week ! Que Bueno ! My car is officially registered with a " Fuji - san " numbePosted by So I am sorta posting a lot of blogs at once to catch up on November ! Jenny and took a long weekend last weekend up to Nikko , north of Tokyo . It 's a small city by American standards , considered inaka or countryside by Japanese standards . It was a peaceful getaway and highly recommended for a relaxing time spent in the outdoors . We stayed at a cool little hostel called Nikko Park Lodge . It 's a small walk from the station , but Jenny and I are always walking everywhere on our trips , so it wasn 't a big deal . The lodge is off across the river , surrounded by trees and walking trails . The dining room had big picture windows , so each morning we could look out and feel like we were in our sort of " secluded getaway " while we ate our AmAzInG costco muffins and french toast . Since it 's quite a ways north of here , it was much colder than it 's been here ! Jenny and I were cold most of the day when we were out sightseeing , but the fall colors made it worth it . Nikko is surrounded by forest , mountains , rivers and lakes , making it an awesome place for spending time outdoors . Nikko is full of woodcarving shops and world heritage sights , so it was definitely different from most other places we have seen so far in Japan . Of course , we hit up the " world heritage " shrines which are starting to be a little less than exciting for me , as I have seen a gazillion shrines and temples since arriving in Japan it seems . Nikko though has the famous " hear no evil , see no evil , speak no evil " monkeys at one of their shrines , so that spiced it up a bit ! We also took a day trip up to Kegon Falls and Lake Chuzenji and spent a lot of time looking around in the woodcarving shops . There is a lot of hiking that you can do around the area , and we really didn 't take full advantage of that , because it was just a bit too cold we thought . The lakes and trees with fall colors reall made me feel like the place was familiar , almost like northern Minnesota , but with mountains : D The familiarity of it also made the trip that much better at a time when I had been miPosted by I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving Day ! I celebrated on Saturday with my friends that live in the Fuji area . We couldn 't find a turkey , so we had to have chicken breasts , but it was paired with stuffing , mashed potatoes and gravy , green bean casserole , sweet potatoes , homemade rolls , and pumpkin pie . It was a combined effort by the six of us , and it turned out amazing despite our small ovens ( easy bake ovens as Joe would say ) . We cooked and ate dinner , played Wii , played some Scene It ! Squabble , and just plain had a great time together . It was the best Thanksgiving I could have imagined short of actually being at home with my family . Here are some pictures of my Thanksgiving day ! Above at the left is our Thanksgiving spread , picture compliments of my friend Kelly . Looks delicious doesn 't it ? Below at left is Me , Jenny , Kelly and Andrea toasting to a great Japanese Thanksgiving ! I spend a lot of time with these ladies , all teachers in the same program as me . Below on the right is my dinner plate : ) MMMM . . . . it was just like Thanksgiving , I totally overate and wanted to take a nap afterward ! And last , but not least . . . Our Fuji Family : Joe and Andrea , Kory and Kelly , Me and Jenny Happy Thanksgiving ! Hey Guys ! Just some photos I was playing around with when I should have been sleeping : ) Hope you enjoy . I had my adult class tonight and they invited me out for coffee afterward . It was really sweet of them . I also had some good conversation with my international exchange friend , Taka , last night . Tests are going well this week , today was a good day of class . Tomorrow is the last day of class til mid - January ! ! But don 't worry , I will find things to fill my time ! ! ! I am going on a weekend mini - trip this weekend and have no plans ! I need to get moving on that one ! ! And Thailand is coming much too fast ! ! ! And I will be starting to help seniors with their English essay writing for the college entrance exams as well . I added some new pics - from our school sports festival with beautiful Mt . Fuji in the background and pretty fall colors . Also included are a few pics of my English Club students at our Halloween " party " and some pics of me and my friends at our Mid - Year Seminar . We had meetings all day , and relaxed all night , it was fun and nice to see people I don 't get to see very often . Enjoy the pics . Hope you 're all getting geared up for Thanksgiving ; I will be working : ( Things are good . . . I 've been missing home the last few days , but I feel like it makes it harder to talk to people at home when I miss them , I know it 's weird , but it 's true . So hey guys : ) Hope you 're all having a great weekend and I 'll catch up with you this week , probably while I am avoiding correcting the 240 tests I will have to correct . I love you and I miss you - Ash It 's been a really long two days with long hours at work . I 'm experiencing how some of the other JETs live , having to stay late at work every day . At least I get to go home early on other days to make up for it . Lucky girl I am ! Having the car is heavenly , especially with staying late at work since it gets dark so early here ! I would have had to bike home in the dark the last two nights if I didn 't get my car . It 's unbelievably small though . And has a tinted back window which makes it REALLY weird to look in the rear view mirror since it 's already on my left instead of my right . My teacher told me today that she 's glad I have a car now . . . I was looking really cold when I got to school lately apparently . Haha . I think that 's her way of saying I looked like crap ? Red face and windblown hair apparently isn 't professional enough for her ; ) I finished writing my test today and my teachers are actually going to give me feedback , it 's a milestone in our team teaching relationship . I hope it 's fairly close to what they wanted though , but I did hear them discussing it before I left work . Oh yeah - speaking of feedback I had my " preliminary " evaluation yesterday by my head vice principal , who 's never seen me teach . Apparently my teachers told him good things about me though cuz I got really good marks . I think they 'll take me for a second year if I sign up for it : ) I 'm sitting at 90 % on the second year , although I have started to question it a little bit lately . Only a little bit though in pondering what would be the best decision . Miss you all ! I hope you are enjoying your central heat , cuz I 'm jealous ! I brought a blanket to school today ! And I return to my blog . I hope you like the new look ! It 's been a long week since I last wrote . I had to work on Saturday . It was a long day - I overslept and then was in a hurry to get to school on my bike in the rain and had a bike accident . It definitely ruined my day , but I am okay now , just a few band - aids mending me : ) If you would have asked about this situation on Saturday , you would have heard the long version , but since it 's already Wednesday , I 'm over it . It hurt , I was embarrassed and I had a long day of teaching ahead of me after that . I have finished with teaching for the semester , so I thought I was going to be having carefree days at work . Haha . That didn 't work out so well . It 's really okay ; I like to keep busy anyway ! But I am working on writing my listening test today and tomorrow during school hours and then after school I am staying late to tutor some seniors for their entrance exams . I am also assisting with correcting the translation section of a test for seniors , which means tomorrow I will be starting to correct a stack of 280 exams ! ! ! Ugh . That will be topped off with the correction of my own students tests next week - 240 more ! And I agreed to help a few other senior students ( possibly up to 20 ) work on their writing skills for the English writing test for college entrance exams , so I will be giving them an essay question each week and then have to read all of those and give the students feedback . I haven 't had much paper correcting to do since I arrived , so it 's gonna be a shocker and a big flashback to student teaching ! ! ! At least I will be kept busy , and at least I will have time at school to do it . During student teaching I was doing most of the correcting at home , which is really not fun ! I finally got my car as well ! I drove it back last night from my Mid - Year Seminar . I got to experience the highway during rush hour , the Tomei expressway , and getting gas . Sounds not all that exciting , but it was an interesting adventure and I was glad to have my Fujinomiya sidekicPosted by I am SOO tired today . I think it 's cuz I spent all weekend relaxing . . . til Monday night when I was like , " wow , I forgot I was going to fold paper dice for my class tomorrow . " Something I could have easily done while watching TV or sitting around this weekend . Instead I started at like 11 : 30 and didn 't go to bed til like 2 . Smart idea . Despite the little sleep , yesterday I was fine because I was busy all day at school and had my night class . So instead , I am feeling it today ! I am in my last week of teaching lessons , 4 more to go this week and then I am finished except for the listening test in two weeks . Oh Joy ! Before I was kinda dreading the " nothing to do " syndrome , but I have a lot of planning to do . I will probably make a small weekend trip at the end of November because it 's the last three day weekend of this year and in the spring there is like one . Thailand planning is in full gear . Yesterday I signed up to get my vacation time approved and I 've started looking at flights , hopefully to be bought by Sunday ! And hopefully with the extra time I can bust ahead in Japanese ! Some teachers have started trying to ask me small things in Japanese . Kinda cool since I am noticing the improvement in my understanding . Now I am just lacking vocabulary to give very good answers . Gesturing is always fun though ; ) Although it 's Wednesday here , it 's sorta like Tuesday because we had Monday off and I have to work on Saturday . Ugh . I should consider myself lucky though , because a lot of ALT 's have to go to school on Saturdays much more often than me . This will be my first time , even though my students and the other teachers are very often at school on Saturdays and holidays . From what I understand , it 's sort of a Junior High Expo day , so the Jr . High kids can come and see what it 's like to be a high schooler / decide if my high school is the one that they want to come to ( kinda like a college visit , but at high school ) . They also have to take entrance examinations if they want to come here , so it 's the first step in making a deciPosted by This weekend was a long weekend , and oh how fast it flew ! I decided that I need to take a weekend for myself because I have been traveling so much lately and even if I am around home I have been a busybody . The " me " weekend was a success , and I am ( almost ) geared up for work again this week . Really , the " me " weekend just got me geared up to do more traveling soon : ) Friday night I went to a farewell party , which was interesting , but just reminded me how much Japanese I don 't know despite the fact that I have been studying quite a bit lately . I have graduated romaji into studying in basically all Kanji and hiragana / katakana ( except grammar explanations that are in English ) . My teachers did comment at the party however that they think I study a lot . And that I have gotten better since I arrived ( which isn 't too hard to do since I understood literally nothing when I arrived ! ) . It was encouraging and will hopefully inspire me to study in December when I don 't have much work to do . Saturday I slept in for the first time in WEEKS ! Apparently I am a part of the adult world haha . I slept until 10 when my brother woke me up , so it was a nice wake - up call from home ! I got to talk to him for a bit before heading to the onsen . We relaxed in a variety of baths , laid in the sauna for awhile , sat in the massage chairs for a long while : ) , watched tv / took a nap in the tv / sleep room despite the loud snoring man next to us , and soaked a little more in one of the baths . Then it was a night of watching " Sex in the City " and some homemade fettuccine alfredo and white wine . It was an amazingly relaxing night to close out a really relaxing day . I was renewed Sunday morning after sleeping in ( yes , again , but who knows when it will happen again ! ) . After all that relaxing and sleeping , I did some hardcore cleaning and organizing and laundry . I washed sheets and basically everything I own here , put blankets outside to air out ( some are a little musty from the summer humidty ) , washed dishes , organized the pile of papers that has gotten biggerPosted by I passed my three month mark here this week - I can 't believe how quickly time is passing by . It seems I haven 't been here that long , although I have done more than enough to cram into those three months . I keep saying it and don 't actually do it , but I really need to slow down ! There is just so much I want to do and it seems so little time to do it : ) Last week I did a home stay in Kakegawa , a city in my prefecture . There was a festival going on and the international office organizes home stays for ALTs every year . I was put with an amazing family ! We had a big welcome party with WAY too much food . Then we walked around the festival , which had a bunch of different artsy things displayed along a long stretch of road . There was pottery and paintings and much much more ( including " learning " how to play the Japanese harp . . . notice me laughing at how terrible I was considering I couldn 't read the Kanji to play it ! ) . Then I went and hung out with my host mom for awhile , the first test of my bad Japanese and her bad English . It worked out , thanks to the few pictures I brought of my family and close friends . We then went out for some traditional Japanese Izakaya , where the food and drinks just kept coming ! It was me and 3 other ALTs and the four host families . It was a good time , although I had way to much to eat ! The whole weekend was seriously food , food , food ! ! ! I hung out some more with my host fam after that , and in the morning we went to the onsen and out for lunch . The onsen is quickly becoming one of my favorite things about Japan , especially cuz I live in the land of hot springs ! It 's like having 30 hot tubs in one place , some with bubbles , some without , some with waterfalls , some with places to lay down , some with tea and extra goodies for your skin . So relaxing ! Overall , the homestay was great . It was good for me to start trying to communicate in Japanese a little , cuz I really don 't get the opportunity at school - they just always have one of the English teacher 's help me or translate things to me . IPosted by My school week is basically over , and I 'm glad . My classes fizzled out as the week went on and the last one left me seriously frustrated ! But I will trudge on . . . only two more weeks of lessons , the final test and then a big break in December from teaching . That sounds like seriously no work at all ! 12 lessons is all I have til the end of December . Wow . . . way to use that teaching degree Ashley ! Although there 's not a lot happening on the teaching front , I did get a request today to help a senior student every day for a half hour - do you have any idea how amazing that sounds to me ? ! A half hour every day is a lot of work for me , and it 's still not very much haha . But she has to pass an interview type test to get into college , and since she 's going to be an English teacher , a few of the questions will be in English . So she has enlisted my help every day for a month before the test - even though there will probably only be 1 or 2 questions in English ! ! I am really looking forward to it ; I love working with students one - on - one . Tomorrow I am traveling to Shizuoka City for my first committee meeting for It Takes Two . It Takes Two is a prefectural publication that has lesson plans and ideas for the Shizuoka ALT 's that comes out each year . I was chosen for the committee to put this years together , so I guess I 'm sorta unofficially publishing something ! Pretty small scale , but still pretty cool considering it will be passed down from ALT to ALT and so many people will use it . They will never look at my name on the back cover I am sure , but they will use the book : ) I have copies dating back to the nineties that I still use pretty frequently at work . Really , the committee gets me outta school for 3 days with a paid business trip to the city ( aka civilization ! ) , it looks good on the resume , and let 's face it , I could use more work to do on a daily basis , especially come December when I 'm done with lessons and still have to go to school everyday ! I don 't want to tell you about the whole weekend before it happens , and frankly IPosted by Today was a good day . I got to teach this week for the first time in 2 weeks and I rocked my lessons . I may just have found a rhythm that satisfies my co - teachers and satisfies what I 'm going for too . Just the right amount of fun and learning . So excited . Hopefully tomorrow will go well cuz I teach with two other teachers tomorrow , and lessons tend to go differently with different co - teachers . We shall see . In addition to classes going well - I had two invites from teachers - one to go play soccer with the teachers ( which I unfortunately had to decline ! : ( I already had plans tonight ) and one to go out drinking with a few of the teachers . Hopefully that will happen , just because it 's really helpful to socialize with the teachers outside of school here . They spend so much time working , that it 's rare they take time out for themselves and they live completely different lives in public than in private . Either way , the invites make me feel good about the relationships I 'm building at school . I 'm thinking of inviting a few teachers over for dinner some night . They don 't really have Mexican food here , so I might try to cook them something Mexican , just for fun . Don 't worry though , it won 't be too spicy , the Japanese couldn 't handle it ; ) I also got together with my " culture exchange " partner tonight . It 's so nice to get out and socialize on a weekday , especially with Japanese people . Afterall , I am living in Japan and feel like I don 't get enough interaction with Japanese people outside of work . His girlfriend wants to meet me , so I am hoping that him and some of his friends including her can go out sometime on a weekend or something . It would be really fun . To add to the good day , tonight I found out that I was selected to go on the volunteer trip to Thailand ! ! So as long as I can get the vacation time from work ( which really shouldn 't be a problem ) , I 'm going ! I 'm super pumped and know it 's going to be an amazing experience ! And last but not least , I got to talk to my parents and Nicole tonight . It seemed like forever siPosted by Sorry for the delay in posting , it 's been a pretty filled up week - really filled up and seeping out the cracks busy ! This past weekend was a long weekend , so I travelled to the Hiroshima area . Saturday I spent the day in Hiroshima . We lingered around the A - bomb dome , went to Peace Memorial Park , and spent a few hours in the museum . I 'm really not a museum person , but this one was incredibly interesting . I also don 't know a lot about history , so a lot of things I was reading about were all new information . It was an incredibly intense experience - really sad to see and think that the effects of the bomb that we dropped are still affecting victims today . I really can 't say a whole lot else about the day in Hiroshima , you 'll have to look at the pictures and check out my explanations there - it will give you a much better idea of what it 's like there . Pictures highly recommended ! That night we ventured out to Saijo , a nearby city for Sake Matsuri , a huge annual sake festival . It had been going on since 11 in the morning , so when we got there , the train station was surrounded by staggering old drunk Japanese men ! The festival was a good time , and I had the opportunity to meet some new people and see Paul , one of my coworkers from UMM info desk ! Sunday we had a slow start in heading off to Miyajima to see the floating torii and shrine . The island is covered in deer that come right up to tourists - kinda crazy ! The torii and shrine weren 't actually floating when we were there unfortunately , because the water only reaches that far during high tide early in the morning and in the evening . SO , I guess we 'll just have to go back some time when we have more time . : ) We took a cable car up Mt . Misen to get a great view of the water and nearby small islands . We all agreed it was a place we 'd like to return when we have more time . Maybe hike up and down the mountain next time . Oh yeah … at the top of the mountain there were monkeys just running around freely . So many animals ! That night we headed out tash I took a sick day from school today in hopes that sleeping would help my body heal itself . . . it helped . . . but I 'm defintely not completely better . I am going to school tomorrow , which doesn 't mean that I will be working haha , but I will be at school drinking green tea and probably blowing my nose 20 times . 20 times is an improvement though for the record . My first Eikaiwa class ( adult conversation ) went well . I was glad I had Dion there to help me . He 's really outgoing and it was nice to have another native speaker in the class . Even if he makes fun of my name games : D Things went well and hopefully next week more people will come ! There are supposed to be 12 in the class , but there were only 7 there last night . I gotta put my thinking cap on for new conversation ideas cuz there are some people who took the class with Audrey last session - so I gotta come up with new ideas and not reuse too many of hers so those people get the benefit of having both of us as teachers . I 'll keep downing OJ and sleeping a lot , so I probably won 't be calling any of you anytime soon since that requires staying up too late . So keep me posted through email . . . hope things are going well ! So as you can see from my post yesterday I am sick . It seems like it came on all of a sudden : ( Sunday night I had a sore throat , then I didn 't sleep well at all and woke up with an extremely stuffy nose . I drank 1 1 / 2 liters of 100 % orange juice yesterday and slept from 5 pm to 10 pm then woke up and had some ramen ( closest thing I had to soup haha ) and more oj and went back to sleep til this morning . I woke up pretty early this morning since I had slept from 5 - 10 before going to sleep at 11 : 30 , but I actually feel quite awake today . I do not feel any less sick however . Ugh . Maybe I 'll get a sick day outta the deal , but not today because I teach my first Eikaiwa class tonight ! I 'm looking forward to meeting new people , and hopefully I can put on a Genki face despite the fact that I am sick . Since asking me to do the class , the community center has since asked another teacher that speaks Japanese to join the first class to make sure things run smoothly . I was taken back at first because they never told me , and if he hadn 't told me I would have shown up to an extra teacher being there . Despite the fact that they sorta went behind my back , it will probably be a good thing to have him there tonight , especially cuz when I had my first meeting with them I got about 3 sentences of information translated to me . But of course it makes me more nervous and makes me feel like I am being " checked up on " and this is only being compounded by the fact that I feel icky and really just want to be in bed until I feel better ! I did have a good weekend this past weekend . Jenny came to visit me in Friday and we were able to go out in Fuji with a few other English teachers in the area . We got some dinner and socialized for awhile and then Jenny and I headed to the peninsula for Saturday . I got to watch a high school team that were national champions in taiko . I was quite tired from the night before so the beat of the drums was putting me to sleep for awhile , but it was really cool when I was awake enough to appreciate it ! ThPosted by Yesterday I joined the senior students on a field trip to Kamakura . It took about 2 ½ hours to get there and another 2 ½ hours to come home , and we only spent 3 hours there … 1 of the hours spent in a restaurant where I paid $ 20 for a quite small crock of beef stew and two dinner rolls . Crazy ! It was a really cool city though , and I would love to go back . The city is called " Little Kyoto " because it has the same cultural feel as Kyoto . It also has Japan 's second largest Buddha . It is made of bronze and weighs 121 tons ! ! Although it is second in size , it is generally recognized as artistically superior to the larger one in Nara ( near Kyoto ) . Here 's a picture of me with the Big Buddha and one of me with a few teachers and senior students at one of the temples we visited . Life threw me a curveball this week - a curveball pitched from left field to me at home plate . And I was lost . It was the first time since I arrived here that I really wondered if I should be here or not , if I was missing out on too much at home , if I was making the right decision for me and my life and the life of my family and friends . Tonight , I realized that life is probably gonna throw me more and more curveballs as I grow older , and there 's really no way to escape that whether I 'm in Japan , the United States , or Yemin . But I have been unbelievably blessed with those I have beside me , those who support me through thick and thin , and those I would not trade for the world . Thanks God . As I stated last night I needed to update more frequently , I 'm starting immediately : ) Today was a Monday - a rainy Monday at that . Luckily it wasn 't raining too hard on my way to school , so I didn 't have to change clothes when I got there ( although I was prepared with them in my backpack ! ) , but coming home was a different story ! I was soaked through by the time I reached the top of my hill and tomorrow evening is supposed to bring quote " heavy rains " . . . so it looks like I will be getting wet again . As soon as I finished arriving at the top of my hill dripping in sweat , I began arriving at the top of my hill just plain dripping ! Oh the joys of being a bike owner . Speaking of , I emailed the car dealer today , and he 's looking for a car . He said it might be a week or two . . . we 'll hope it 's just one week , not two ! I only had one class today - today the students had to take their phy ed test , so classes were switched around , tomorrow the first year students ( sophomores ) will be gone and Wednesday all the students will be on a field trip . I am joining the seniors on their trip to Kamakura , which has the second largest Buddha in Japan . Hopefully we can see a few things despite the forcast for heavy rain . Either way , with the long bus ride I think we will only spend a few hours actually there anyway . Tonight I got to meet up with one of my predecessor 's friends . He lived in Canada for a little while and traveled and studied in the United States , so he speaks pretty good English . He doesn 't have a lot of opportunity to speak it anymore , so we are going to meet once a week just so he can practice his English . As I learn more Japanese , I hope that I will be able to use him as a resource as well to practice my Japanese . It was refreshing to meet someone my own age who is actually Japanese . I love my ALT friends , but I also came to Japan to meet local people and hopefully make Japanese friends , and this is my first hopeful . It 's hard to meet people when you don 't speak the language , and I 'm a little bit of a hermit during the weePosted by This week has been by far my busiest week yet , hence the lack of posts . I really should start posting more frequent shorter posts - sorry for the novels once a week ! On Monday night I headed to Fuji with Dion to meet up with Kelly and Kory , two ALTs in the next city . We had a great time over a mini - feast Japanese style . I felt like I had eaten sashimi ( raw fish , no rice ) non - stop for the weekend cuz I had eaten it at my welcome enkai too . I 'm coming around to the whole raw fish thing , Nicole , you would be proud . We also had some other Japanese delights - crab cakes , soy beans , soba and udon , gyoza , and of course in true Japanese fashion , a large beer to wash it all down with . The men at the next table had a mini - keg , we didn 't take it quite that far ! Tuesday was Autumnal Equinox Day , so I planned an excursion for the Fuji area ALTs to go hiking . I plan these " excursions " quite blindly , considering I speak nor read Japanese , but I do have a desire to check out things in the area and it 's always more fun with others ! We ventured to Lake Tanukiko , an artificial lake in Fujinomiya , but still about an hours bus ride . The lake is surrounded my mountains covered in trees with a bunch of hiking trails . We had quite a mixed group and none of us was really up for hardcore hiking , so we just stuck to the pleasant walking trail around the lake . There were fisherman around the perimeter , waiting for a catch that was actually big enough to take home and eat ! The lake is famous for having the reflection of Mt . Fuji in it , making a diamond - it was too cloudy for us , but we did get one sneak peak at Fuji - san . On the way back a few of us took a stop off at Shiraito Waterfalls again - my friend Kari had come up from her home on the peninsula and so we wanted to help make it worth her while ! It was a beautiful day and the lighting was nice at that time of day . We finished off with some famous Yakisoba in a local restaurant when we arrived back near the station . It was a long day after staying out late the night before in Fuji , but aash 1 . Mexico2 . Chile3 . Argentina4 . Spain5 . France6 . Italy7 . Vatican City8 . Japan9 . Thailand10 . Myanmar11 . USA12 . South Korea13 . North Korea ( DMZ ) 14 . Canada15 . England16 . Australia
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Elaine 's lips pressed firmly upon Arthur 's . She leaned further , deepening the kiss . It had been a long time for both of them , too long by half . For her it was a year , for him a millennium and a half , but they both had came to this same point . The point where their lips touched and their hearts opened . Arthur pulled away just a little . Elaine withdrew the rest of the way . Smiling , Elaine whispered a ' whoa ' . The kiss was so intense ; she had to catch her breath . Her arms were still wrapped around Arthur 's neck . Arthur 's were stiffly at his side . Elaine playfully reached up to wipe off some lipstick from Arthur 's lips . Arthur flinched , then separated from her . He left , no , fled out of the room without a word . Arthur nodded , then began slowly . " No , you weren 't out of line and no , there is no one else . But it just isn 't right . " Arthur was stumped . There was nothing preventing him being with her . Just a small voice in the back of his head telling him this wasn 't right . Arthur looked her over , trying look anywhere but her eyes . Then his eyes fixed on the arms folded across his chest . He grabbed her right hand and held it up . A golden wedding band shone in the morning light , mocking her . Elaine stood in the hallway stunned silent , while Arthur retreated to the kitchen . Frantically , Elaine tried to pull off the ring . Not for Arthur 's sake but for her own . But the ring wouldn 't budge . Elaine slumped back against a wall . This was the last time the past would ruin her life , she promised herself . Arthur grabbed a bowl , some milk , and a small box of cereal with a colorful tiger on the front . He sat at the table farthest from everyone , his back to the wall . Elaine came in a couple minutes later . She sat at the opposite end of the room from Arthur , breakfasting on half a cantaloupe , cottage cheese and cup of skim milk . The meal was a torturous affair : Arthur and Elaine each tried hard to ignore the other , while at the same time trying equally hard to watch the other . Arthur finished first , then departed for his room . He sat on his bed . Arthur couldn 't stop thinking about Elaine and couldn 't stop cursing himself for how he acted . Why had he pushed her away ? He wanted to believe it was because she was married , but deep down he knew that was just a way to stay safe . There was more to it than that . The past , ~ his ~ past , told him that love was a vulnerability , one he could ill afford . But how could he remain human if he refused to love ? Cavall and Griff were gone , but Griff had left the Iris journal . Arthur grabbed it and laid on the bed . He needed something to get his mind off ' her ' and the questions burning in his heart . Arthur poured himself into the reading , hoping to forget . The Flower of Chivalry was in full bloom . Lancelot 's fame had grown exponentially since his rescue of several knights from Sir Turquine . Now , people cheered loudest for him during the jousts . Ladies threw their favors at him during every in the tournaments . His biggest fans were the knights of the Round Table . The honors he brought back from each quest grew with his fame . And while knights like Sir Agravaine thought his ego bordered on arrogance , others like Sir Gareth felt it was well deserved . Heralds sung countless tales of his valor . So many , that even Lancelot began believing their words . The humble self - effacing knight of his youth was slowly being replaced by an overconfident one . At this moment , Lancelot was patrolling the countryside . He shifted in his full armor regalia as he crossed the bridge of Corbin . The padding underneath itched and the armor weighed fifty stone riding and seventy stones standing . It was also hot and unpleasant , but he wanted to give the townsfolk the best impression of a Knight of the Round Table . His arrival wasn 't quite what he expected . The people of Corbin milled about listlessly . Occasionally , a child might laugh or a couple of brothers shout in play , but then parents would quickly hush them . Lancelot s arrival didn 't elicit the usual praises and hosannas he 'd grown accustomed to . t first , they stared at the knight , then a few lined the street Lancelot trotted along . hispers began to travel through the village , and soon throngs of people joined those staring at the knight . ancelot felt a little unnerved at the quiet masses watching him . hey neither cheered nor shouted , nor even jeered at him . " Dragon ? There 's a dragon terrorizing your village ? " An elderly man emerged from the multitudes . " Please , sir knight . Don 't get involved . We don 't want any trouble . " " We did , " the elder spoke up . " A knight came here the week before , but he fled and we were left with a twice - enraged monster . We don 't want that happening again . " Lancelot left his mount at the edge of the cemetery , as he entered the graveyard and headed for the abandoned church on the other side . It was still unbelievable to Lancelot that the town would sacrifice an innocent child to get a few days peace . hat would happen when the dragon grew restless again ? ow many more children would they sacrifice ? ne , ten , a thousand ? hey should have fought , fought to the end . As Lancelot approached the church doors , he thought of the outrage of having such a creature as a dragon in a place of worship . He promised himself to bring the foul beast s head back to Camelot and to wear its teeth as a keepsake . nd his thoughts also turned to the fact that it had been ages since a knight fought a dragon . his would be Lancelot 's first , and if successful , the encounter would be an epic the bards would sing of for seasons to come . . . Entering the tiny cathedral , Lancelot unsheathed his sword . He scanned the interior , but didn 't see anything other than the pews laying scattered about the stone floor . Lancelot moved some benches out of his way , slowly moving down the nave . At the crossing , where the nave , the transepts and the apse formed the junction of a 't ' , the area was spread clear , with pews piled up shoulder high around the clear space . Lancelot heard a muffled crying . Climbing over the debris , he saw a young woman bound and gagged in the center of the clearing . Her tear - reddened eyes looked up at the knight , and she tried to shout something , but the gag muffled her words . Lancelot dropped on the other side of the barrier , removed the girl 's gag and started working on her binds . Immediately , Lancelot could see that this was no dragon , but merely a wyvern . A the creature emerged from the back of the church , the two humans could make out its features . A serpent head flicked a flame - red tongue . A long sinuous neck followed , widening into the trunk of its body . T e wyvern moved on its two legs , its tail thrashing with agitation . As he watched the creature begin to scan the building , Lancelot was drawn back to a conversation he d once had with Merlin on the subject . yverns , the mage had said , differed from their cousins , the dragons , in many ways . ost telling was that dragons had six limbs ; four legs and a powerful set of wings . yverns were bipedal , with two small vestigial wings . But the most important difference between the two species , Merlin had said , was intelligence . A dragon was highly intelligent , whereas a wyvern had only three modes of thought : eat , attack and reproduce . And it engaged in all three with a ferocity that made it very dangerous to anyone facing it . The wyvern stalked out of the ambulatory and glared at the two people in its domain . It saw them as food , but food that would fight . The wyvern hissed , flapping its small wings irately as it made its challenge . Then , a moment later , the wyvern 's hiss turned into a high pitched shriek and it attacked . The wyvern sprinted up quickly up the apse , and in a flash , it leaped into the air , sailing over the rubble and pews to clutching the column behind Lancelot . With a hiss , it sprang from the column at the knight , who turned just as the monster knocked him off his feet . Lancelot lost grip of his sword , and he felt the weight of the animal on him , its sharp claws raking across his breastplate . But Lancelot 's arms were still free and he landed a right to the monster 's eye causing it to howl in pain and roll off him . Lancelot tried getting up , but seventy stones worth of armor made that next to impossible . he best he could was roll over and get his feet under him , before the wyvern leapt onto his back , slamming the knight into the floor again . he wyvern was about to clap down Lancelot 's neck , when a board smacked it upside the head . The wyvern turned , just as the woman swung again , and it ducked . Hissing with rage , the wyvern chased after her . The redhead ran behind a column and then shuffled back and forth keep the column between her and the monster . The wyvern turned back and looked for the woman , but she had disappeared . No matter ; it 'd pick up her scent later . There was still Lancelot , who was out cold . The wyvern went over to the fallen knight , but as it neared him , a rock hit its flank . It turned and saw the woman again . She stood atop the wreckage throwing rocks and pieces of wood at it . The wyvern charged her , but she quickly dropped back behind the barrier . Stymied , the wyvern started back toward Lancelot until another piece of wood hit the back of its head . It turned again toward the girl , but didn 't advance . She was just an annoyance to it , while the knight was an easy kill . The wyvern walked over to Lancelot , and was about to rip out the knight 's throat , when he came to . The wyvern clamped down on his gauntlet - covered forearm , squeezing on the armor in an attempt to taste the flesh beneath . Lancelot let out a cry as the teeth bent the armor , digging into his arm . He stared into the creature 's eyes , the color of burning pitch . Desperate , Lancelot returned the kick that the wyvern had given him earlier , putting a boot in the wyvern 's midsection . The wyvern shrieked , releasing Lancelot 's arm , and allowing the knight to roll out from under it and get to his feet . He needed his sword , but any weapon would do at this point . While the wyvern recovered , Lancelot ran for the crossing to find his sword . " Over here ! " the woman shouted . She was hiding in an alcove and as he watched , she lifted his sword high . Using both hands , she swung it to Lancelot . The sword tumbled end over end in a low arc , threatening to fall short . But , Lancelot reached over the pile of broken benches and grabbed it by the hilt . In a fluid move , Lancelot spun around to face the wyvern right behind him , its fangs bared . Lancelot continued turning as he brought his sword around . The blade made whistling sound as it sliced the air , then cut through skin , muscle , sinew and bone . The wyvern 's head still bore a malefic visage as it separated from the rest of its body . Lancelot , still carried by momentum , tripped on his own feet and crashed to the floor . The wyvern 's body fell next to him , the head bouncing off the ground last . As it lay there , the serpent 's body pumped black ichor that covered the floor . Lancelot quickly got up before the blood soaked him , and nearly jumped back when he saw the wyvern 's face glaring at him . It took a moment to register that the head was resting on the pews , its eyes staring lifelessly back at him , and another moment to realize that he had survived and slain the monster . Oh , thank you Sir Lancelot , " he heard the woman say as she run up to him and leapt into his arms . he buried her head into his neck and , reluctantly , Lancelot hugged her back . fter a few moments had passed , Lancelot pulled away . I won only because of your aid . hat is your name ? " Lancelot and Elaine returned to Corbin triumphant . The news had spread like wildfire . The ' dragon ' was dead . Their town was safe . A great feast was prepared to celebrate their deliverance , and Lancelot was to be the guest of honor . But the knight respectfully declined the invitation ; Elaine had wanted to go tell her father the good news personally , and it was the least he could do to take her home , in gratitude for her aid . On the way , Lancelot stopped by a river , to wash up before meeting the King . As he knelt by the river , he first removed his chewed gauntlet . It was more than chewed , though ; the armguard had been bitten through . Two rows of teeth marked either side of his arm ; bright red welts marked where the wyvern 's teeth bit through steel and chainmail . As he looked at it , Lancelot shivered , contemplating what could have been . He pushed it out of his mind as he removed his tunic and dunked his head into the river . Then he doused himself with water , washing the slippery wyvern spit off his arms and sweat off his upper body . Now feeling refreshed , Lancelot looked for his tunic , but it wasn 't on the tree branch where he d left it . " Looking for this ? " Elaine offered the knight his shirt , stifling a girlish giggle as she took in the muscular figure of the knight . Lancelot took his shirt and pulled it on . Returning to his steed , he packed his battered armor . Elaine approached the knight shyly . She visibly blushed as he lifted her up . The ride back was like a dream for Elaine . As she rode sidesaddle in Lancelot 's on their way to her father 's castle , she couldn t help but think she was living a minstrel 's song . brave knight had come forth , vanquishing a monster and rescuing her . ow , they were going to see her father , and if the rest of the song held true , they 'd wed and live happily ever after . laine was of marrying age and Lancelot was handsome beyond words . n her mind , how could anything go wrong ? Lancelot wasn 't blind to Elaine 's looks , either . He noticed how comely she was , but he had no romantic intentions toward her . His heart belonged to Guinevere . He could never love anyone else . Still , Elaine was lovely to look at . . . Suddenly , his arm itched fiercely and he clutched at it . The redness had spread , growing into angry red circles and it felt like a tiny fire ablaze in each welt . As he was concerning himself with this , he heard Elaine sigh deeply . Lancelot looked down and felt her leaning against his chest . Then he noticed that his arms were wrapped around her . She must have thought it was a subtle embrace . Lancelot quickly untangled his arms , hoping she would get the hint , that there was nothing between them . Meanwhile , the pain in his arm subsided to a dull throb : annoying , but tolerable . He just needed some rest . Elaine 's father was a warrior ; stolid , grim - faced , a rock . King Pelles met her and Lancelot in his castle s courtyard , saluting the knight formally as they rode up to him . laine jumped down from the charger and hugged her father fiercely . ing Pelles ' face didn 't change from his grim mien , as he stiffly hugged his daughter back . elles asked about her health then sent her into the castle to prepare for dinner when he learned that she was well . ancelot noticed that he didn 't act like he had sent his daughter to be a wyvern 's breakfast this morning ; it seemed to the knight that Pelles showed little emotion , and none of it in affection . Elaine gave Lancelot one last look as she entered the castle , then disappeared through the front door . Pelles only a raised an eyebrow at the exchange . Lancelot approached him , unsheathing his sword . Then he saluted the king and presented his sword to Pelles as a sign of submission . King Pelles took the sword , then returned it to Lancelot , completing the ritual . With the formalities out of the way , both could be at ease with each other . Pelles noticed the battered armor on Lancelot 's steed . " My blacksmith can see to your mail , " he offered . " Damaged fighting that beast no doubt . Tell me , what became of the monster ? " Pelles laughed , a loud booming sound . " Well said , my boy , well said . " Swapping jokes , Pelles lead Lancelot into the castle . Pelles was a tall man with a long face , his build muscular from years of campaigns and warfare . Lancelot soon learned there were three things Pelles loved : his daughter , a good joke and a good drink . Evidence of the second and third appeared in the numerous vineyards surrounding the castle and the amiable nature of the guards in the castle of the dour man . Pelles personally led Lancelot to his chambers , and then closed the door after notifying the knight of that evening s feast . ancelot was about to rest when he gasped in pain again . he pain in his arm had gone from a dull , aching throb to a muscle - twisting pain . est , he told himself as he tried to fight down the pain ; he needed rest . t took some doing , but he managed to fall asleep despite the agony he was going through . The main hall of King Pelles castle glowed bright from scores of candles and the six hearths roaring with a high blaze . ing Pelles , Princess Elaine , and Lancelot all sat at the head of a large table set in the middle of the room . elles ' retainers and liege men filled the hall , each praising Sir Lancelot , their deliverer . ugglers and troubadours entertained everyone with their antics , while the jester was exceedingly clever telling jokes and anecdotes . Sweat glistened on everyone 's face from the heat . The autumn night had a chill to it , but nothing warranting every hearth afire , which was a concession to their guest of honor . But Lancelot was not sweating from the heat . Rather , he felt terribly cold . His right arm no longer throbbed or itched . In fact he hadn 't felt his arm since sunset and he was so relieved that it no longer bothered him , that he forgot about the wounds he d suffered at the wyvern s hand . s Pelles , a man who loved his wine , liberally dosed Lancelot with his own vintage . By the time Lancelot excused himself to bed , five bottles circled his plate like tiny sentries . Flushed from all the wine , Lancelot stumbled back to his room , finding it eventually with the help of a page . Even then , it was a difficult feat , what with the walls and floor spinning around . As he entered the room , he closed the door behind him and stared at the bed , the empty bed . Tears welled up as he realized how alone he was . Elaine was with her lady - in - waiting , Dame Brisen , preparing for sleep . The older lady brushed the princess 's hair as Elaine told her all about Lancelot . The princess sighed when describing his eyes and his smile . He was so handsome and so strong ; Elaine was sure they 'd be a perfect match . " Don 't sound so surprised , " Brisen went on . " I was young and in love , still am . The body may have aged , but this heart still beats as fiercely , especially for ' him ' . He was a wandering knight making his way in the world . I was a serving maid to the lady of the manor . That night I snuck away to his room and . . . " But Elaine was well beyond the age to be tucked into bed . She d really just wanted someone to talk to when she d called Brisen to brush her hair . A d their talk had now given Elaine an idea . S e opened the door and looked around . N one was in the hall . O slippered feet , she sneaked out of her chambers and went towards the room of her father s guest . " Oh my Guinevere , why can 't I love you ? " Lancelot wept in the dark confines of his room . " It 's all Arthur 's fault ! Curse him for marrying you before we met ! Curse him for taking you away from me ! But , . . . Lancelot 's voice softened from its earlier malicious tone , I love Arthur . H is a great man . H saw promise in me before any did . H w can I hate him ? O , what a wretch I am ! " Then he heard a knock on the door . " Guinevere , beloved . Sweet rose , you 've come to answer my prayers , " Lancelot whispered hopefully . In a louder voice he commanded , " Entrez vous ! " " Lancelot ? " Elaine slowly entered the dark room . Light from the hallway made a long rectangle of brightness into the bedchamber . Elaine neared the edge of light , then swung the door closed , taking with it the light . A pair of hands stole around her in a passionate embrace . A pair of lips brushed against hers . " My beloved , you came to me , " Lancelot 's whispered in her ear . Elaine felt the warmth of his breath and the heat from his body . It was like he was on fire . A forceful knock brought Arthur back to the present . He squeezed through his cubbyhole of a room , and as he reached the door , he hoped it was Elaine . He wanted to apologize , set things right with her . But instead , he encountered the ascetic Mr . Daniels . " You 're awake . Good , " Mr . Daniels noted . " We have a tour group arriving shortly . They 're members of a quilting circle . I thought you might give them a tour of the tapestries in the castle . " Judging by his tone , this was more an order than a request . Arthur felt like refusing . From the grumbling the other scholars and staff made , Daniels was just itching to be taken down a peg , but now wasn 't the right time . Arthur nodded acceptance of the caretaker 's order . He hastily showered and dressed , and met the quilting circle by the main gate . The bus deposited fifty older women and departed for the bus parking lot . Arthur fixed a pleasant smile on his face and welcomed them to Bamburgh Castle . It was fortunate Arthur was a king , because he made a lousy tour guide . Part of it was because he didn 't know much about tapestries and even less about quilting . What little he did was 1500 years out - of - date . It didn t help that the old women constantly questioned him on this waft or weave and how one hung a tapestry on stone walls . rthur did know where all the tapestries were in the castle , though , so he wasn 't completely in over his head . He was leading the group of quilters through the main gallery hall when he spotted Elaine . She hastily turned to avoid Arthur , but when she noticed the gaggle of elderly women following him , she stopped and turned to watch . A bemused smile crossed her lips as Arthur tried his best to answer half a dozen questions . " It was common to boil oak galls to create darker hues . The colors gain a muddier texture , " Elaine explained . This satisfied the woman , and she turned to confer with her compatriots . Arthur gave Elaine a look of immense gratitude . The mention of food brought cheerful noises from the ladies . Arthur and Elaine guided them through the halls to the waiting pavilion tents outside . Arthur mouthed a ' thank you ' to Elaine as he took the quilters to the buffet , and they left the guests to their lunch . Then Arthur and Elaine hurried back into the castle before Mr . Daniels could give them some other task to perform . " That 's nothing , you should have been here a week ago when the reporter from ' Antiquities Today ' did a piece here . I felt like I was back taking college midterms . He grilled me with so many questions I thought my head would explode , " Elaine shrugged . An uncomfortable silence followed . Neither one knew what to do or say to bridge the gulf growing between them . Then Elaine courageously took a gamble . " Look , Arthur , I 'm sorry if I was . . . too forward this morning . I shouldn 't have put you on the spot . And I 'm sorry I didn 't tell you I was married . " " It 's not just my feelings for you . There 's more to it than that , " Arthur continued . " There are things about me that you don 't know , might not accept , maybe not even believe . It 's better if you don 't get involved with me . " " I 'll decide what 's ' good for me ' , thank you very much , " Elaine 's eyes flashed with defiance . Before Arthur could speak again , she shot another question . " Have you committed any crimes ? " Elaine moved closer to him , wrapping her arms around his waist . " Then I know all that I need to know for now . The rest can come in its own time . Arthur , I care about you ; that much I know . And I think you care about me too . Am I mistaken ? " There was such love and hope in her eyes , it tugged at Arthur 's heart . But did he have any claim on her ? Sadly , the answer was no . She was married and his life was far too strange to drag someone else into it . He had to push her away . Elaine 's face clouded over , and there was something familiar to the sadness Arthur saw in her eyes . It didn 't seem foreign to him . Then he recognized it . ~ She still loves him , ~ he realized . This should have made his course clearer , but instead the king felt worse . Instead of pulling free , he felt himself sinking deeper into this entanglement . " It 's a long story , but here 's what 's important . " Elaine drew Arthur into an empty study so they could talk in private . " My husband and I have been separated for a year . During that time , we haven 't resolved our differences . " " It matters to me , " Arthur argued . " While you wear that , you are another man 's wife . I won 't be an adulterer . " Arthur got up and left . Elaine tried to grab his arm , but he eluded her grasp , quickly disappearing down the hall . She called after him , but he didn 't stop . For a moment , she thought about chase him down again , but she knew he needed to be alone . She knew she also needed to be alone for a bit as well . Entereing a study , she sank into an overstuffed chair , then closed her eyes to squeeze out the tears . She hadn 't felt such heartache since her school days . She knew Arthur was trying to do the honorable thing , and that only increased his appeal in her eyes . Arthur was definitely a man from the age of chivalry . He had a personal code and he lived by it , even if it meant denying his happiness . Very different from the world Elaine came from . The men around her husband saw marriage only as a way of marking territory . If a young woman caught their eye , they didn 't think twice about taking her as a second wife . " Except Hector , " she corrected herself . Her husband wasn 't like that . Before they d wed , he d told her that he had loved someone deeply , but that she had died some years before and he had moved on . T e heartache in him was so great , he could never find joy in an affair . A d that was the problem . W en Elaine looked into his eyes she could see love in them only for this lost love , not her . H w could she compete with a ghost for her husband 's love ? e Elaine 's eyes snapped open . Sitting across from her in the other overstuffed armchair was her bodyguard , Norman Dent . For security reasons , Hector 's ' business ' had issued her a bodyguard . She didn 't have anything to do with the ' business ' , and she hadn 't wanted a guard , but Elaine had had no say in the matter . Since her honeymoon , she had been Hector 's wife , not her own person . That was what Elaine hated the most , and her hatred showed as she glared at Norman . Even sitting down , Norman 's head peaked over the tall backed chair . Quite easily 6 ' 9 ' ' , Norman wore a hand tailored , stylish pale blue , double - breasted suit , that covered a muscular frame . He had a chiseled face with a powerful jawbone covered with a square russet beard . His face always looked grim ; when angered , it deepened into a silent scowl . When he was happy ( a rare occasion ) he cracked a small Buddha smile . " Arthur ? What do you know ? " Elaine was fearful for him , but didn 't show it . Norman wouldn 't hesitate to use force if he felt she were in danger . Since he hadn 't yet , that meant he was still unsure about Arthur . " I did some checking . Mr . Jones has the standard ID , bank accounts , and credentials for anyone skimming the surface . But there is no record of him at any university : no tenure , no research post , not even a canceled check from a Bursar 's office . There 's no medical record of this Arthur Jones , from physicals to polio vaccinations . A d what it means is that your Arthur either popped up out of nowhere or he isn 't who he says he is . " " He still loves ' her ' . " Elaine 's voice chilled . " And I won 't be second place in his heart . Tell him that ! " Elaine left quickly before tears could form on her face . Romance had a way of treating her like a chew toy . On the one hand , she had an enigma who wasn 't what he seemed to be ; on the other , there was Hector . Someone she loved but who she knew didn t return that love equally . he couldn 't deal with Hector , but she could do something about Arthur . esides , he d promised to read some more of the Journals of Sir Lancelot . T is might be a chance for him to open to her . S e wasn 't going to pry , but she needed to know if he was hiding something dark or painful . When Lancelot awoke , he found he couldn 't move his right side . Panic welled up in him as he struggled to move . But at last the weight disappeared , and relief washed over him . That relief turned to cold shock when he heard a light voice sigh in waking . Fearfully , Lancelot turned to see Elaine in his bed . Lancelot half stumbled , half ran through the forest . Morning light streamed into the woods , and birds of the dawn chirped happily . But all this was lost on Lancelot as he crashed through forest , blood pounding in his ears , despair and guilt preying upon his heart . He had betrayed his one true love . He couldn 't recall the night , it was a blur of dark and gray . He did recall that at one point Guinevere had appeared in his chambers , but that was all . How had Elaine wound up in his bed ? How did all of this happen ? His muscles burned , but not the hot fire of exertion from his flight into the woods . It was a cold fire that was bringing pain to his body . Sweat chilled as it ran down his face , mixing with his tears , and he thought the pain a fitting punishment for breaking Guinevere 's trust . He let the pain go unchecked . The spots began to flash in his eyesight and the world began to spin around him uncontrollably . Deep in the forest , he stumbled over a log , falling into a shallow pond . Exhausted and heartsick , Lancelot remained in the water , his consciousness slipping away . . . Only the birds and squirrels nearby noticed what happened next . A wind blew ripples across the pond , ripples which flowed out from the pond s center , broke over Lancelot , and then returned to their origin . lowly , a hand emerged from the water , followed by an arm clad in shimmering , fishscale samite . he silver haired Lady of the Lake rose from the water , a sad , sympathetic look coloring her face . he knelt by the fallen knight and brushed back a few soaked locks of hair . " My poor boy . " She picked up his arm , and then noticed the red welts on it . " Wyvernsblight ! " she breathed in shock . Lily quickly touched his forehead , and felt the burn of fever . He looked terribly ill . There was a cure for wyvernsblight , she knew , if there was still time . It was dangerous , but she 'd do anything to save her son . She prepared to take him to the one place that could help , her homeland . And so the Lady of the Lake took Sir Lancelot beneath the waves to Avalon . Lancelot never knew how lucky he was . Wyvernsblight came from the bacteria that accumulated in the mouth of a wyvern after eating carrion . Typically , when a wyvern actually chose to attack a live target , it would only bite the prey , then run back and wait . Within an hour , the blight would kill the victim and rot the carcass , thus providing a new source of carrion for the wyvern s appetite . ut only a tiny amount of blight had infected Lancelot , so its effects were slower on him . t gave the Lady of the Lake time to get him Avalon . Lily placed a cool towel on Lancelot 's burning forehead . He had remained unconscious when she d brought him to Avalon , and now he mumbled insensibly from the delirium brought about by the disease . ily gave the knight some willow bark tea to ease his aches . e coughed it up at first , it tasted so bitter , but she finally got him to keep it down . t would make him comfortable , but wouldn t cure him . S e needed to go to Oberon 's Palace to get a cure , but she was reluctant to leave Lancelot here . N ither Lord Oberon nor Queen Titania had much love for humans , and there was no telling what her brothers and sisters might do if they found this particular human here . T ey might turn him into a gargoyle , just for laughs . O enchant him to fall in love with his reflection . W ile he was on Avalon , Lancelot would be in danger . t Lily took a look at her work , and then nodded to herself . Lancelot was safe for now in this sylvan glade by the lake . Across the water she could see the portico with its marble benches and circular reflecting pool . Those who came here would be interested in seeing themselves in the mirror - like pool , or engaging in a romantic tryst ; they wouldn 't be looking for a sickly knight . He 'd be safe , she hoped . The Lady of the Lake kissed Lancelot 's fevered brow , promising to return soon , and then vanished . A long history had grown up around serpents and apples . In this case , the apples of Avalon were a panacea for wyvernsblight . Lily returned from the orchards with a basket full of ripe red and gold apples , and as soon as she had peeled and cut one of them , she fed him a slice . The juice wetted Lancelot s parched lips , as the tiny sliver slid down his throat . t first , there was no noticeable change . ut Lily didn 't fool herself ; it 'd take time for her boy to recover . n the meantime , she kept feeding him the apples in every form imaginable . For the first couple of days , he ate only small portions of the apple and a lot of willowbark - apple seed tea . By the end of the week , Lancelot was still unconscious , but his fever had broken and his delirium had ended . She started feeding him pressed apple juice in the morning and mulled apple cider in the evening . The meals in - between consisted of an herbal broth with just a bit of apple peel in it . " I think I understand , " Lancelot said as he reached up and caressed her face . He propped himself on his elbows and looked around . " Where am I ? This doesn 't look like the Lake . " " She is my mother by love , " Lancelot said as he came to stand by Lily , an arm around her shoulder . He glared defiantly at Oberon . Lily reached up , placing her hand on her son s shoulder . Oberon regarded the knight with only a raised eyebrow , and Lancelot took the opening to defend his mother . " Mother is a kind , gentle woman . She brought me here to save my life . I won 't let you talk about her like she 's some harlot . " " He merely slumbers , " Oberon reassured her . " We tired of his impertinence , but we are minded to be merciful . Because you show such love for him as a mother for a child , I will make his end swift and painless . " " He has been to Avalon . He knows our ways . " Oberon towered over the diminutive Lady . " He will bring others . They always do , exploring and discovering every speck of land . And I haven 't the inclination to deal those who follow . Better to destroy him now . " " No ! " Lily stood up to her king . Small in stature , but big in heart , Lily wasn 't going to let anything harm her boy . Now , it was Oberon 's turn to rock back on his heels . The Lady of the Lake was so vehement , so passionate ; she seemed sincere about protecting this mortal . He 'd never experienced a mother 's love before . That irrational , irrepressible , incomprehensible , undeniable force . That one of his subjects would risk expulsion or worse for a ~ human ~ . It was baffling and yet a little reassuring . Such conviction was lacking in his race . They lived in the moment , pursuing their whims and petty jealousies , and they had neither respect for nor thought to the consequences of their actions . If dealing with the mortal world gave the Lady this type of will , maybe it would be best to send all the Children to Earth for a time . But he could think on those things later . Right now , he needed to deal with this human and a fit - to - be - tied fay . " He must forget about you . " Oberon 's words sliced like a dagger through her heart , and he sensed her hesitation . " You said you loved him so greatly that you would forfeit your life for him . Surely his memories are less than that drastic price . " Lily looked at the sleeping face of Lancelot . He 'd grown into such a handsome knight , but Lily could still see the cherub face of the infant he 'd once been . She saw his whole life grow before her . From the infant that had tugged on her hair , stuffing it into his mouth , to the toddler who learned to swim before he could walk , to the boy who loved to tromp through the woods and listened with rapt attention to her stories . Even when he had gone to Camelot , she had looked in on him from time to time . She had seen him meet his true mother before his accolade and his valorous career as a knight . That he 'd forget she was ever part of his life hurt worse than a serpent 's tooth . Her hand began to glow , and then she brushed her fingers across Lancelot 's brow . Two tears dropped on his cheeks , as Lily tried and failed to hold back her sobs . Oberon remained unmoved by the sacrifice . He felt regret , but it was buried under a mountain of ego and courtly propriety . When she was done , he carried on to the next matter . " It is time to send him back to the world . " Oberon waved a hand , magically lifting Lancelot . Then he felt a tug on his cape . It was the Lady of the Lake . Oberon pulled his cape from her grasp . He was about to say ' no ' , but then he saw that same spark of motherly love that had argued for Lancelot 's life . He quietly nodded his assent , then departed . Just before he left the glade he spoke to her , " Return immediately to me . We have matters to discuss . " " No , Glastonbury , " a friendly voice spoke from out of Lancelot 's field of vision . Lancelot turned to face a friendly monk . " Welcome to the Abbey of Glastonbury . " " I had to save him , he is my boy , " Lily shot back . Then she sighed . " It doesn 't matter anymore . I will never be able to help him again . " " There is , " Lily turned to him . " Our agreement . You can still touch Lancelot 's life , if you use it to help him instead of harm him , as I fear . " Merlin was quiet for a time . " I can 't promise anything . The future is still stormy . And Lancelot 's near the eye of that storm . But I can promise I will think on your words before I act . . . . And watch him for you . " " If it 's any consolation , your part in this story of Camelot isn 't finished . I don 't know when or if we 'll met again , but I know you are still tied to this . " Then Merlin left the Lady with his prophecy , departing for the abbey to pick up Lancelot . Arthur knocked on Elaine 's door , but got no response . He knocked again two more times , then gave up ; she could have been anywhere in the castle besides her room . Arthur shrugged and started back to his own room ; he 'd catch up with her at dinner . He couldn 't believe how he d behaved around her . s king , he had faced raging battles , rampaging giants and evil magic with aplomb and cool - headedness . ith Elaine , he had acted like a frightened page . Why ? His mind wrestled with the problem until he reached his room . Turning down the long hallway , he saw Elaine knocking on his door , and as she turned to leave , she noticed Arthur . " The journal you found is also incomplete , " Arthur replied , returning the professionalism . He opened the door to his room , and invited her in . He found the two books , sat on the bed , and then began thumbing through the Iris journal . ~ I walked up to the knave and said , ' Prepare to die , my father 's murderer ! ' The battle was fierce . Claudas fought like a cornered animal , but he was no match for my father 's sword and my arm wielding it . And so I dispatched the villain quickly , avenging a wrong longing to be righted . ~ " Hmm ? " Elaine looked up at Arthur . " Since I 've read this , " Arthur recovered none too smoothly . He quickly flipped through the journal , reaching a point several pages from the end . " No one knows , " Arthur flipped back and forth between the pages . " It 's widely rumored Lancelot went mad and wandered the forests as a hermit . He returned to Camelot after a year 's absence . " Elaine got up to leave . " We should get some rest . Gads , it 's past noon . And tonight is going to be a long one . " He sprang to the door and called to her , but she continued walked down the hall , as though she didn 't hear him or was maybe ignoring him . Arthur couldn 't blame her . But still , he wanted to straighten this out . ~ Tonight , ~ he promised himself , ~ Tonight , I 'll make it up to her . ~ Dinner was held early , a combination of soup and leftovers from the luncheon . Elaine and Arthur said little as they ate , and the bags under their eyes revealed that both had just awoken . Neither was in a chatty mood , remaining quiet for a variety of reasons . Arthur warred with himself as to whether to reveal the truth to Elaine . Of all the people he 'd encountered , she seemed the most likely to be able to handle it . The arguments for and against raged in him as he calmly sipped his soup . Elaine drowsily nibbled on a sandwich . The past couple of days had been a disruption to her nightly routine , just as Arthur had been a disruption in her routine life . That was why she loved him ; he was mystery and danger rolled into one . But she was far more dangerous . Her life , her whole world was a danger and if he entered it , she was afraid it might kill him . But how could she deny her heart ? Elaine figured that as long as they kept it professional , they were safe . Nothing warmer than a handshake , nothing more intimate than a private joke . ~ Keep your distance , Elaine , ~ she told herself . The sun was a half hour from setting , when the two of them left ; the last to leave the dining room . Elaine 's vitality improved after the meal , and she spoke with more pep as they searched the long corridors of the castle . Arthur 's spirits , however , didn 't change one iota . He went along with her , but didn 't say more than ' okay ' , ' yes ' , or ' no ' . " I talked to Mr . Daniels . He says that anything the previous owners left him would be in the storage room above my workshop . I think we should . . . " Elaine paused , but picked up quickly . " . . . start there first and work our way around the castle . " Elaine had just glimpsed Norman doing his duty , bodyguarding . He kept to the shadows , trying to stay hidden , but if she could spot him maybe Arthur could . Elaine tugged on the king 's arm , urging him to hurry up . Arthur obliged , but commented , " The journal has been hidden for centuries . I 'm sure it can wait a few more minutes . " Elaine looked back down the hall , but Norman was nowhere to be seen . She knew he was there though , his interest focused keenly on Arthur . It was fortunate that the storage room was just above her workshop . Elaine hoped she could elude her protector . He wouldn 't intrude in her activities , and if he thought she was in her workshop , she might have a chance to tell Arthur the truth . Whatever might happen between them , he deserved that much . The stairway to the next floor was in a bookcase - sized portal sinking into the recess of the wall . She led Arthur up the shallow steps to the door , and then they entered the room . The storage room was the closest thing to an attic in the castle . In Arthur 's time , this would have been the ward room , where staff uniforms were hung after washing . Boxes and crates of varying sizes littered the spacious room , while chests and steamer trunks lined the walls . The golden rays of the setting sun spilled through a window , taking opposite ends of the room as they separated from one another . Arthur worked his way around a mountain of tall thin boxes that housed life - size portraits like the ones Elaine was working on . He opened a few crates , liberating a few moths and stirring up dust in the musty ward room . As the two of them worked , the golden rays sparkled in the swirling dust slowly turned into a deep russet . Arthur crossed a valley of steamer trunks , and suddenly came across the two statues of Griff and Cavall . " Oh no , " Arthur sighed . " We 've got to get out of here . Now ! " " What 's with you , Arthur ? " Elaine said as she parted through the sea of clothes , finally emerging on the other side . Arthur grabbed her hand and made for the door , but Elaine resisted . She didn 't want him to find out about Norman . He , on the other hand , didn 't want her to find out about Griff and Cavall . But soon , it made no difference . The sun slipped below the horizon , and soon after the sound of stone cracking preceded the mighty roar of two awakening gargoyles . Elaine jumped at the sound , but she got over her fear quickly . Arthur just shook his head , and then was surprised when Elaine moved toward the disturbance , rather than away . " Hey , this is the most excitement I 've had in months . What 's a little danger ? " Elaine smiled confidently back to him . That was when she ran into somebody , a very tall somebody . At that moment , the stairway door burst open , and Norman rushed in . To the bodyguard 's eyes , it looked as though a green monster was attacking Elaine , and he immediately sprang at Griff , knocking the gargoyle away from Elaine . The two crashed into the mountain of boxes , spilling clothes and dishes all about . As soon as Griff got over his surprise at the attack , he tried lifting the bodyguard off him . But Norman laid a punch to his midsection , knocking the wind out of him . Then Cavall came to Griff s aid , knocking Norman away . he bodyguard rolled with the tackle , springing to his feet . " That 's none of your concern ! " Elaine ripped into him . " You don 't charge into a place and start swinging ! You got me ! " " Yes , and I mean to find out what the deal is , " Elaine stole a glance at Arthur as he settled the two gargoyles down . Then she turned , pointing a finger at Norman . " But you just calm down and stay out of the way . Understand ! " " Do you understand ? ! " Elaine commanded , a livid expression on her face . Norman paused , then nodded . Elaine took a couple of deep breaths before returning to the middle of the room to wait for Arthur . Arthur checked to see if Griff was hurt , but the gargoyle was fine . Arthur explained what he could , but Griff gave a significant look behind Arthur . Elaine was waiting a respectful distance behind the king . Arthur caught his knight s meaning and joined the lady , while Griff settled Cavall with a pat on the beast s head . Arthur seemed uncertain for a moment , then agreed . " What about them ? " Arthur looked to the three others in the room . Elaine smiled . " I 'll handle it . " She turned and looked at Norman . " We are going for a walk , and we 'll be back in a few minutes . You , two stay here and try and clean up this mess . Be nice , Norman ! " The bodyguard let out a low rumbling sigh ; he 'd obey , but he obviously didn 't like it . Cavall kept a glowing eye on the human , but Norman ignored him . Griff looked to Arthur with an ' are - you - sure - about - this ' look , and Arthur nodded an affirmative . Then Griff folded his arm and took a position by the door , while Norman took one by the window , directly opposite the gargoyle . It seemed as though they 'd behave themselves , so Arthur and Elaine left for the gardens . Elaine walked beside him in silence for a moment . " Yesterday , I might have replied , ' Well , if that s true , then I 'm the blooming May Queen ' . ut today is a very different day . nd it does explain a lot . " " Well for one thing you don 't know beans about tapestries . Oak galls make ink for painting , but not dying fabrics used in tapestries . Then there was the absolute authority you showed on the subject of Lancelot . I don 't know the legends that well , but I do know that they 've been told and retold for centuries . You accepted this as gospel the moment you saw the first page , even though we had no way to authenticate them . " " Until I learn otherwise , you are who you say you are , " Elaine judged . " One thing , though . How did you manage to stay alive for all this time ? " They continued until the path turned back toward the main hall . She chuckled softly to herself . " It 's funny : without those gargoyles , I wouldn 't have believed you 're King Arthur . But if stone creatures can come to life , why not the ancient king of the Britons ? " " Please don 't call me ancient , " Arthur said , smiling . " It may be fifteen centuries later , but I still am in my prime . " Elaine shared a bright smile with him . " Deal . " " Oh , Norman . He 's my bodyguard , " Elaine reached out , offering her hand , and Arthur took it . It felt good to hold her hand . " I don 't need the protection , but my husband disagrees . You see , Hector is a powerful man with some dark connection . He 's had some dealings with organized crime , so for my ' protection ' , Norman serves as my guardian angel . He watches over me . " " With your identity ? Probably , but let 's keep it our secret . " Elaine spoke bluntly . " As far as he knows , you 're a man without a past , an enigma . I 'll keep calling you Arthur . I hope you don 't mind if I skip the ' your majesty ' bit . " " Arthur , " Elaine began softly . " Now , that our secrets are out , what about us ? I meant what I said earlier ; I really like you . If we can handle this , surely we can handle whatever else comes ? " " I 'm on a quest and I don 't know when I 'll be finished . Thus far , I 've encountered several dangers , and I don 't wish to put you through that . From what you 've told me , your life has been in jeopardy long enough . . . and I love another . " " Who is she ? Guinevere ? " Elaine said that as a jest , but the long pause that followed told her she had stumbled upon something close to the truth . " Did Guinevere survive to this age ? " She ran back into the castle . Arthur hurried to catch up with her , but she didn 't want to hear anything he had to say . She wasn 't going to be drawn into another relationship like the one with her husband . She and Arthur returned to the wardroom , and there a surprise awaited them . Griff had found something while they were gone , and now presented it to them proudly . In his claws was a leather - bound book with a white rose embossed on the cover : the third journal . Elaine took the book from the gargoyle , looked at it , and then handed it to Arthur . " Lancelot 's third journal ? " she asked . Lancelot awoke early , then went to practice on the training grounds . The ground was still damp with dew at this hour , and his breath steamed as he worked out with vicious zeal . He had a lot of frustration to work out . All of Camelot was conspiring against him , it seemed , trying to get him married . It had begun with subtle hints , like ' why aren 't you married ' or ' she 'd make a fine wife for you ' . Then it grew to an assortment of dining companions and dance partners , followed by strategic ambushes , like last night . Arthur had called him to his aid in dealing with King Hoel of Brittany . . . and his lovely daughter . Arthur had asked Lancelot to entertain the princess , while the royalty discussed other matters . While both he and the princess were French , it was the sum of their commonality . She had giggled foolishly all the time , and while she was very lovely , she couldn 't speak her own mind . At one point , the princess let slip the true intentions of their visit to the knight , saying that Arthur and the King thought they 'd make a good pair and had arranged this little meeting to test the waters . Arthur wasn 't the only one trying to marry him off . Gawain and Gareth , his trusted friends , were just as bound and determined to see a wedding band on his finger . Gareth invited Lancelot to his home often , and many was the time Lancelot visited his friend . Gareth and his wife were the happiest couple he had ever seen ; even Arthur and Guinevere commented how beautiful their love was . Lancelot never refused an invitation to their home , but Gareth saw the sadness in his hero 's eyes , the man s loneliness and longing . areth felt certain that sadness could be lifted with a wife and happy home of his own , so he had made discreet inquiries , and had then passed the suggestions on to Lancelot . Gawain was worse , though ; he didn 't want give Lancelot a choice . The week before , he d given hints to the ladies of the castle as to when and where Lancelot would be at all times . onsequently , a gaggle of maidens were present when he ate in the Great Hall , and when he went on his rounds along the battlements . ne was even bold enough to follow him into the bath . The loss of privacy was especially acute for Lancelot ; he dared not visit Guinevere with half the castle watching him like a hawk would spy a rabbit . People could get the wrong impression , or maybe the right one if they saw the Queen and him together . Their relationship had grown beyond mere friendship . And now everything they did to break the attraction made it stronger . The recent enforced distance made the few times they were together that much more sweet . " You do . You think I can not ? . But this isn 't about me . " Guinevere straightened up into a royal pose . " This is about you . I don 't matter . " Both stood so close together , they could embrace if they just reached out . But both were trapped by their duties ; as a knight and as a queen , both had to deny their hearts . They remained near for a moment to feel the other 's closeness . Then , finally , Guinevere stepped away . " I think we should skip our lesson today , " Guinevere said as she wiped her eyes , speaking in a stately voice . " Thank you for your time . You are dismissed . " Lancelot left the library feeling miserable . He walked along the high vaulted corridors of Camelot , not caring where he was going , when he heard someone laughing . ~ It must be one of those girls , ~ Lancelot thought disgustedly . He was going to put a stop to this right now . As Lancelot turned the corner , though , he ran into Mordred . " My advisor , " Mordred introduced the man he was talking to . The stranger was cloaked in black with silver trimming the cuffs and hem , and he was pulling on his hood , so Lancelot didn 't get a good look at his face . After a moment the advisor quickly departed down a poorly lit passageway without a word or a gesture . " Well , you did , " Mordred said irritatedly . " Good day . " Lancelot then went to the stable to prepare his steed . He needed some time to think , and to let this whole ' Lancelot - get - married ' thing to blow over . He sent a page to Arthur to let the king know he was going to Joyous Garde for a couple of weeks . When the page went away with his message , Lancelot left Camelot for the open road . He spent the day traveling in a contemplative gloom , one so thick that it wasn 't until he heard cries for help that he snapped to and took in his surroundings . The growing amber in the sky indicated late afternoon , and he was deep in a forest , perfect for hunting . Lancelot followed the cries for help off the main road , and when they stopped , he dismounted and continued by foot . " Forget it , Lavaine , " one voice spoke up . " No one 's going to hear you in the middle of these woods . You can 't even hear a tree fall this deep in . " " Are you in need of some help ? " Lancelot asked as pushed his way through some bushes to reach two boys , a young boy barely ten hovering over an older boy of about sixteen years . The teen was clutching a bloody rag to his leg . " The same . " Lancelot smiled , then checked the older boy 's injury . It was a nasty gash slicing the back of his knee and going up to his thigh . " What happened to you ? " " Well , he got you pretty good . Let s get you out of here . " ancelot helped the teen up . You , " he pointed to the boy , " What 's your name ? " " Lavaine , bring my horse here . " Lancelot pointed toward the direction he had come from . The boy hopped to , and quickly brought the stallion the rest of the way through the wood . Lancelot helped the Tirre into the saddle , then led the way back to the road . The three of them arrived at a castle just after sunset . Tirre was immediately taken care of by the castle 's physician , while Lavaine rushed to his father to tell him what happened . The father listened to his son as he approached the newcomer . " That boy of mine has got more nerve than sense . " The father looked on as the surgeon got a couple of stable hands to carry Tirre on a litter . Then he approached Lancelot and his stern frown turned to a relieved smile . " It was no trouble . " Lancelot took Bernard s offered hand and shook it firmly . Will Tirre be all right ? " Our surgeon is a capable sort , " Bernard looked to the shed his son was being taken to . He 's in good hands . " That name triggered something in Lancelot 's mind . He saw a face shrouded in firelight and night . A memory or a dream too elusive to fully recall , but he felt ashamed somehow . He couldn 't explain it , but the name meant something , something shameful to him . Elaine was a beautiful girl of fourteen , with long dark hair . Her hands flew up to cover her nose and mouth when she saw the newcomer ; they had guests and the castle looked like ~ this ~ . She rushed down the stairs to meet the newcomer , and to ostensibly apologize . " Father told me ! That means I 'm in charge ! " Lavaine stamped his foot . Elaine gave Lancelot an apologetic look , then turned to her brother . Elaine gave Lavaine 's arm a pinch , causing the brother to cry out in pain . " There 'll be time to talk to him at dinner . Go fix his room ! " Lavaine looked at his sister darkly as he rubbed his arm . But he did as he was told . When he was at the top of the stairs , he stuck out his tongue at his sister . Elaine started up the stairs to get him , but Lavaine dashed out of sight . " Right this way ! " Elaine led the way to the kitchen . " Dinner 's almost finished . I don 't think the cook will mind us starting early . " Dinner that evening was casual and friendly . Elaine served Lancelot , then prepared settings for her father and brothers . Lavaine came in first , his foul mood evaporating when he saw the knight . Happily he sat to Lancelot 's right , reaching for the bread , while Elaine sat elegantly to the knight s left . oth asked him questions about the world beyond Astolat . " What are the ladies wearing this year ? " , " Is there any new fabrics from the continent ? " , What s it like being in Camelot ? " E aine pelted him with questions about courtly life . L vaine , in contrast , asked about his adventures and the monsters he 'd fought . x Lancelot got that feeling again . A feeling like a door in his mind opened a crack . He remembered snapping jaws and his hissing fury . He got an impression of a weight on his back and hot breath on his neck , but nothing concrete . It felt frightening . But then Lancelot pushed it out of his mind . " No , I haven 't , " Lancelot replied in a distant voice . It was then that Bernard entered with his advisor , interrupting Lancelot 's slight revere . Both siblings looked to him , and Elaine spoke up first . " How 's Tirre ? " " Lavaine ! Watch your tongue ! Don 't talk like a stable hand ! " Elaine reprimanded her brother . " Besides , Lancelot is a guest . We don 't burden guests with our trouble . " " We have a minor dispute with Sir Blackthorn , the neighboring baron . We 've agreed to settle it over a jousting tournament . Tirre was to champion the family honor , but with this injury ? " Bernard shook his head . " I thank you , Sir Lancelot , " Bernard said gratefully , accepting the knight s offer . We 'll start tomorrow . ow , let 's eat . " Some time later , Lancelot was preparing for bed . The guest room was spacious , but the furnishings were simple . He was washing his face in a basin of water when there was knock at the door , and when he opened it , he saw Elaine standing there with a bowl of fruit . Elaine blushed hotly with the praise . Impulsively , she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed Lancelot on the cheek , then she hurried down the hall . Lancelot smiled at the vital young girl , then the shame he felt earlier resurfaced . Something about Elaine being in his room made him feel guilty , like he d betrayed someone , though it didn 't make sense . ancelot quickly pushed the thought out of his mind and then went to bed . The next morning saw a flurry of activity in Astolat Castle in preparation for the day s event . t mid - morning , the procession of retainers , men - at - arms and lower nobility made a casual ride from the castle ; wagons carrying tools , wares , tents , and provisions followed behind . efore joining Bernard , Elaine and Lavaine at the head of the procession , Lancelot went up to the weaponsmaster and talked to him for a moment . " Cows . " Bernard pointed to a herd as they passed the practice grounds on their way to town . " Blackthorn 's cows wandered through a break in his wall and devoured a third of my fields . When I found out about it , I took the cows as my own and told him I 'd return them once he d repaired the wall . he hothead charged me with thievery , and demanded my lands in payment for the cows . didn t want things to get completely out of hand , so I 've arranged for this tournament as a way to smooth things over . . . I hope . " Bernard gave a sharp , barking laugh . " Yeah , that too . Blackthorn 's a young lord ; very passionate , quick to temper . Taking him down a peg might do the lout some good . " " Oh , please father , let me , " Lavaine spoke up . He turned to the knight . " I won 't let you down , Sir Lancelot . " After a moment , Bernard nodded . " Okay , you can assist Sir Lancelot , Lavaine . But you must do as he says and no slip - ups . " " No slip - ups , I promise . " Lavaine beamed with excitement ; he was going to squire the greatest knight in the world ! He vowed to do everything extra special for the man . " It seems only fitting that I have your favor as lady of the manor . What did you have in mind ? " Lancelot smiled warmly at the girl . Elaine looked around her , suddenly seeming like she was at a loss . " Where is it ? I must have left it back at the castle . " Elaine sounded distressed for a moment . " Oh , here . " Elaine tugged at her the sleeve of her red dress . Her father was considerably alarmed , but before he could say anything , she tore the sleeve from the shoulder . Lancelot started to object , but it was too late : the sleeve was off and Elaine was tying it around Lancelot 's arm . " It 's always an interesting sight to see a pompous noble humbled , " Elaine commented with a straight face . But one look at Lavaine was enough to cause her to lose all composure , and she started laughing uncontrollably . Lavaine quickly joined her , and soon the rest of the procession was laughing as they made their way back to Astolat . The tournament had been less a jousting match than a one - sided game of tag . As soon as Sir Blackthorn had seen Lancelot in his ' Ill - Made Knight ' guise riding up onto the field , the minor nobleman had turned his horse around and fled . Apparently , Blackthorn had heard of the powerful knight in mismatched armor and had lost the will to fight . " Why 'd you spare him ? " Lavaine took Lancelot 's attention from his sister . " He should have died like the cowardly dog that he is . " " A knight 's task isn 't to kill . It 's to serve those you care about . " Lancelot leaned closer to Lavaine . " Besides , men like Blackthorn die a thousand deaths from their shame . " Lavaine nodded in awe of Lancelot ; for the impressionable lad , everything the knight said was like wisdom of the ages . The victory celebration was a big affair . Astolat Castle glowed with torches filling every sconce . Music and wine flowed liberally , and everyone drank to Lancelot 's health and ate to his fortune . This was one of the things that Lancelot liked most about being a hero : happy faces , pleasant people , high revelry , and the knowledge that all this had been earned and was honestly deserved . The party didn 't wind down until very late that night . By then , the minstrels were playing a somber tune that sounded remarkably like someone snoring through their horns . The men of the castle had either passed out , sleeping where they lay , or disappeared with a serving maid somewhere . Lancelot had remained awake only because his tankard had had a crack in it and had spilled beer like a sieve ; a fact which caused the soldiers to remark about how he drank ten steins to their three . The knight knew the honor of drunk ' gentlemen ' wasn 't to be trusted , and what would happen if her father found her in this state ? Lancelot didn 't want to dwell on that . So he nodded agreement and levered himself out of his chair . Both of them were drunk , but Lancelot , being bigger , wasn 't as inebriated . Elaine , on the other hand , wasn 't as lucky . It was obvious to Lancelot that this was her first time drunk ; she giggled at everything that happened , including stumbling on the stone steps up to the bedchambers . They turned into another corridor , and passed by several doors . Behind one they heard some commotion : sounds of a man and a woman laughing came from behind it . The woman screamed from being tickled , and then the man murmured playfully . " You think I don 't what people do behind close doors ? I am fourteen , you know . " Suddenly , Elaine stumbled . But Lancelot was quick , and he caught her before she landed on the floor . " Maybe tomorrow . " Elaine still held onto Lancelot , even after she regained her balance . They only had a little ways to go before they were at Elaine 's chambers , and soon Lancelot brought her into her room and lit the lanterns to cast away the darkness there . " ' Tis all right . I invite you to my boudoir . " Then Elaine leapt up and wrapped her arms around Lancelot 's neck , and planted a kiss firmly on his lips . " It feels like love to me . " Elaine grabbed his hand and placed it on her chest . " Can 't you feel it ? My heart pounds like this every time you 're near . I 'm surprised the whole castle doesn 't hear it . " " What you are feeling is very real , but it isn 't love . It 's infatuation , " Lancelot said , trying once more to dissuade Elaine . " It will pass . " " And what if it doesn 't ? What if you re wrong and this really is love ? " er eyes widened with realization . You wouldn 't love me . ven if this was true love , you wouldn 't return it ? " Lancelot was beginning to get a headache . This scene seemed so familiar , and yet handling it seemed so foreign . How could he relate to the emotional state of a teenager ? " My heart belongs to another , " he explained . Reason wasn 't reaching her , and his headache made thinking very hard . He 'd have to be blunt . " What do you know about love ? You 're just a simple girl who 's had too much to drink . You 'd probably say you love the swineherd or the jester if they were here instead of me . " He had to be as stern as possible so she 'd get the message . He didn 't want to hurt her , but he didn 't see any other way for her to understand . Then Lancelot strode out of the room , but turned one last time , and saw Elaine sitting on her bed with a stunned look on her face . Lancelot had seen knights with that look when the wind got knocked out of them : they seemed disoriented , lost . She knew she hurt , but didn 't register the pain . Lancelot wanted to make sure she was all right , but she might mistake concern for love , and Lancelot had to make a clean break , so he left her there , alone . He left Astolat early the next morning . He didn 't want to run into Elaine because he wasn 't exactly proud of the way he handled her . But it would be better if he just left and let her mend her broken heart alone . As he approached his home , he saw a surprise : the king 's flag was waving on all the standards . As he entered the courtyard , Lancelot was greeted by King Arthur and Queen Guinevere themselves . But he could see they were by themselves , a fact which struck Lancelot as being curious ; the monarchs rarely went anywhere without a gaggle of courtiers . When Lancelot reached them , he dismounted and greeted king and queen warmly . " It 's already forgotten , my friend . " Lancelot shared a warrior 's handshake with him . Guinevere smiled , glad things seemed to have been patched up so smoothly . " Well , the dark , brooding motif just wasn 't me . I ve added on to Joyous for years . T e fishing is pretty good in the marshlands , and I 'd love to show you around . " . " Please do so , " Arthur said , smiling . " I think Camelot can do without us for a couple of days . What do you say , my love ? " " A holiday from court sounds lovely . And this place could use a lady 's touch , if you don 't mind , " Guinevere added . Then the three of them entered the castle for lunch . " We have to get there early , " Lancelot explained . " The wetland 's best fishing is at high tides . If we don 't move we 'll miss it . " Most of the wetlands were brackish , reed choked regions , but there was a long clear lagoon where the fishing was excellent . It was near a river that flowed east out the interior , past Astolat , and all the way to the sea just below where Joyous Garde was . The two fishers arrived just as the waves were rolling over the spit of beach separating the lagoon from the ocean , spilling froth onto the lagoon s surface . he small body of water frothed a little more as the river fish came to feast on the seaweed and green foam scum brought in by the waves . hen the two friends found a likely looking spot , they set their poles and then waited for a nibble . High tide came and went . King and knight brought in small catches , but the fish weren 't interested in their pitiful bait ; they had already eaten their fill from the ocean . By late afternoon , Lancelot and Arthur were about to pack everything up , when an object floated into the lagoon from the river . It looked like a skiff , but it had no prow and it rode low in the water . Both men walked up the shore to get a better look . As they got closer , they could see that it wasn 't a skiff , but a coffer . Plain in make , it floated towards them , until it finally stopped and settled in a bed of water lilies . Lancelot wadded out to the coffer and then , after a moment s hesitation , he opened it . hat he saw shocked him so , that he fell back into the lagoon , his stunned look distorted in the rippling water below him . Lancelot sat in the water , too stunned to get up or do anything . After a moment , Arthur recovered from his shock and returned to the coffin . Elaine 's hand clutched a note close to her heart . Asking for her forgiveness , Arthur removed the note for her cold hands . Arthur pulled the coffer out of the water , then did the same for Lancelot . " This letter is for you , " he said as he handed the scrap of paper to the knight . Bewildered , Lancelot picked up note , and began to read . Lancelot , I do love you . My heart tells me this is true . But you love another , so we can never be . Going on without your love is more than I can bear . So I 'll end it and hope we can be together in the next world . Please know that I love you . It isn 't the whim of a silly girl , but the deep , abiding feelings of a woman . Lancelot read and reread the letter several times as Arthur got the horses . He was shaken to the very core of his being , and he didn 't register Arthur tying the coffin to his horse or helping him mount his own steed . The ride home was jarring , but his mind was miles away ; for him it was as if everything had stopped . Guinevere was stunned by the news . She went to Lancelot to comfort him , but he gently pushed her aside and went to his room . Arthur had to send a messenger to Astolat with the sad news . The joy had gone out of Joyous Garde that day . Guinevere and Arthur had breakfast without Lancelot . Since the discovery of Elaine 's body , the knight neither slept nor ate . He closed himself off in his room , refusing everyone . Guinevere lightly rapped on Lancelot 's door . She had told Arthur to stay out of it , but she couldn 't take her own advice . Lancelot needed her . After a moment with no response , she unlocked the door with the master key and entered . She stepped into the darkened room , and saw the curtains drawn and the candles spent , the chambers a pit of darkness . Then she heard breathing by the four - posted bed . She left the light and crossed the darkness to him . Lancelot sat on the far side of the bed , staring down at a scrap of red cloth . He didn 't even register her in the room , until she stood in front of him . " No ! You were honest with her and she took her own life out of sadness , " Guinevere said hotly , then checked her self . Her words made her sound cold and unfeeling to a terrible tragedy . " Lancelot , Elaine wanted you to love her as a husband . Could you ? " " Then you have nothing to feel guilty about . " Guinevere grasped his hands . " It would be worse if you strung her along with false promises . If you told her you 'd marry her and then left . You were honest to her and yourself , and that 's nothing to be ashamed of . " " Yes , and that is a great tragedy . I wish it weren 't so , but I can 't change what happened and neither can you . Beating yourself up about it won 't change that . " " So I should just forget her ? " " No . " Guinevere kissed his hands . " No . You must grieve , but not in this self - destructive way . This pain will become a part of you . It will take time , but I want you to come through the other side of this . For me ? " Lancelot looked into her eyes and caressed her face . Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " For you , and for me . " He straightened up . Smiling , Guinevere stood up . Lancelot nodded and his stomach rumbled in agreement . They left to go downstairs , Lancelot leaving the red sleeve on the bed . A break in the curtains allowed a shaft of morning light to fall on the bright cloth . " Yes , " the knight said solemnly . " This was Bernard 's only daughter . He 'll need help getting through this time . I 'll return to Camelot after the funeral . " " We understand , " Arthur said as he patted Guinevere 's shoulder affectionately . Lancelot saddled his horse , preparing the coffin for transport as he waited for Lavaine . The boy had arrived late the day before to claim the body , and he had been understandably torn up over the death of his sister . Guinevere 's words couldn 't have come at a better time . Lancelot needed to be strong to help Lavaine through this . Bringing the body back and attending the funeral was the least he could do . Bernard might not accept him , but he had to say good bye to Elaine , and a funeral was the only way let the healing begin . Lavaine came out of the castle hall , a cloud of sorrow shrouding him like a cloak . He moved briskly enough , but he didn 't speak and didn 't meet anyone 's eye as he hopped onto the wagon and moved it to the main gate . Arthur and Guinevere looked to Lancelot , worry and sympathy coloring their face . Lancelot only nodded before ordering the gates open and before the two mourners took the river road back to Astolat . On the way , Lancelot at first tried to start a conversation , but Lavaine would only nod , shrug or shake his head as a response . The trip was slow because of the wagon and their cargo , and when the sun reached midday , Lancelot stopped their trek . Lavaine obediently complied , but by his frown he disapproved . Lancelot started eating lunch , but Lavaine refused , instead sitting off by himself on a boulder above the river . The boy sat curled up , his arms wrapped around his knees , and Lancelot grew more worried about the lad with every moment he stayed silent . After a little while , Lancelot made a decision . The knight walked up to Lavaine and handed him the note . Lavaine looked perplexed at him for a moment , the then read the note . When he d finished , the boy paused for a moment , then suddenly sprang to his feet and charged the knight , pummeling Lancelot 's midsection . he knight took the punishment , letting each blow hit him , and only stood his ground . ot tears flowed down Lavaine 's cheeks as he threw punch after punch until he couldn 't lift his fists anymore . nce he d stopped , Lancelot hugged him . L vaine cried openly , wailing his sorrow to the world . " Yes and no , " Lancelot explained . " Part of her did love me . But a large part loved the idea of being in love and couldn 't stand the loneliness . That was the part that killed her . " Lavaine pulled himself away and dried his eyes . " I believe you , Sir Lancelot , " Lavaine suddenly sounded older than his ten years . " You are a knight of the Round Table and the Flower of Chivalry , and you speak the truth . How can I blame you for my sister 's death ? " " I 'm glad to hear that , " Lancelot said evenly . " Now , let 's move on . " In more ways than just traveling , they did . " Funny , " Elaine retorted . She held up a hand to stay Norman as he started advancing towards Griff . He was looking for a rematch with the gargoyle , but Elaine wasn 't going to put up with any more fighting . " I 'd know , " Arthur added with a twinge of sadness . " Queen Elaine of Benwick stayed in Camelot while she was in exile . She died peacefully in her homeland after Lancelot won it back from Claudas . I discovered Elaine of Astolat along with Lancelot during that tragic affair , you look nothing like her either . " Sir Lancelot and his squire Lavaine were returning to Camelot after a month of questing . Taking Lavaine as his squire had turned out to be an inspired decision for the knight . The two years following his sister 's death had seen many changes in the lad . He d found a deeper maturity that made him wise beyond his years . e was also a loyal servant , but an even better friend , and now Lancelot never went anywhere without him . Lancelot relaxed and Lavaine 's face fell . Lancelot patted him reassuringly . It still hurt to think about his sister . Lavaine regained enough of his good cheer to return the smile . " Tell her I 'll be with her right away , " Lancelot said as he steered his mount to the stables . He tried recalling if he d ever met Elaine of Corbin before , but his mind drew a blank . is heart shrank a bit at the thought , which he found odd . hy did he feel this way about someone he hadn 't even met ? Lancelot puzzled over this as he climbed the steps to the guest tower . He lightly knocked on the door , entering when bidden . Elaine was an attractive woman with copper red hair and a bright face , one that brightened further when she saw Lancelot . " There you are ! " She ran up to him and gave him a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek . Lancelot was a little surprised at the affection , but didn 't show it . He quickly hugged her and let her speak . As she released Lancelot , she began to talk excitedly . " I was so worried ! When you left , you were raving like a mad man . I didn 't even know whether you were alive or dead until a few weeks ago . But all that can wait . Come ! " She led him to the next room , where a toddler lay on the bed . " Lancelot , meet your son , Galahad . " " Merlin ! Merlin ! " Lancelot burst into the wizard 's room . Few dared enter Merlin 's inner sanctum with its bubbling flasks and frothing potions . The alchemy paraphernalia was mostly for show , but it didn 't intimidate Lancelot this time . Merlin sat next to the window reading a tome , and as the knight burst in , he turned towards him with a half - amused , half - irritated look . " What do you mean ? " Lancelot was growing annoyed . " The child is three years of age , which means I must have been with Elaine four years ago . That year is a blur for me . " Merlin bolted out of his chair . " This isn 't a riddle ! Your mother gave up a great deal to save you , and I won 't have you wasting the sacrifice ! " " It 's a mother 's right to be . " Guinevere made faces at Galahad . " Your child will always be the dearest thing to you . I hope I 'll know that joy soon . " The boy motioned to gain the queen s attention , and then said , Look at what I can do ! Wi h that , he drew and then hefted a large dagger that he d had at his side . The he performed a few tricks with the blade before reseathing it . Gui evere smiled brightly at the boy . " Oh you are strong ! She urned back towards Elaine . He ll be a strong knight when he grows up . " @ " The Lady of the Lake saved me ? " Lancelot was dumbfounded . " Yes , " Merlin informed him . " She saved you from the wyvernsblight , and then again from the fairy king 's wrath . " " And I saved Elaine from this wyvern before falling ill ? " Lancelot still found it hard to believe . " How come I don 't remember any of this ? " " Why didn 't you tell me this before ? " Lancelot asked . " I 've been back for three years and not once have you mentioned this . " " She can never see you again . " Merlin 's face aged as the weight of the sadness sunk in . " She lost you in order to save you . " Lancelot remained silent for a long time . " She loved me greatly , " Lancelot said quietly . " I hear it in your voice . She loved me more than life itself . " " That is up to you , " Merlin said as he stood up . " I can 't divine paternity . Do you believe this woman ? Do you love this child ? Those are questions you must answer for yourself . " " Sir knight , there is a spark of greatness in each of us . For some , it 's buried deep and may surface only once in a lifetime . For others , like yourself , it 's so close to the surface , it peaks out without effort . The Lady of the Lake saw this in you and so did I . It 's a greatness to do great good or great evil . The Lady knew you would do good ; I feared you 'd do evil . In the end , we both agreed you had to be the person you were meant to be . Neither of us could change that . " " I didn 't know you then . " Merlin clapped a hand on Lancelot 's shoulder . " But I 've seen you in action . You 've faced peril after peril . Your heart 's always been in the right place . Look to it now in this matter . " Lancelot was returning to Elaine 's quarters , when a page intercepted him with a message from the Queen . Lancelot went to the library , always their meeting place , but she wasn 't there . Perplexed , he went to her chambers . " Yes it is true , I just received the king 's leave . I was going to tell Elaine and then you . We 'll be departing soon . " " Rumor also says that Galahad is your son . Is this true ? " Lancelot could hear the desperation in her voice , how much she wanted this to be false . " Yes , he is my son . " He saw her head fall and knew she was crying . He moved to comfort her , but when he held her shoulders , she flinched away from his touch . " It 's foolish of me to be carrying on so . " Guinevere wiped her tears away " We can 't be together . It 's only natural for you to find another . We 've been here before . " " No ! " Guinevere held up an imperious hand . " It was a foolish game we were playing . Our love isn 't more than a daydream fancy . Let 's not treat it as if it were one of the great romances of history . " " Even if it didn 't , " Guinevere said as she stared hard into his eyes , " what can we do about it ? I love Arthur too much to hurt him , and our love can come to nothing . It 's better if you go with Elaine . " " You wound ~ me ~ when you trivialize our love like this . I 've cared about you since the moment I laid eyes on you . I pledged my life to your service , not because it was duty , but because I loved you . I know our love can 't go further than deep friendship . But that won 't change what is in my heart . " " And Galahad . They both need a father and a husband , and I can 't abandon them . But Gwen , I have always and will always love you . " Early the next morning , Lancelot , Elaine and the young Galahad departed from Camelot . It was a bittersweet departure . The knights all wished him safe journey , but the one face he longed to see didn 't appear . And from her view in the library , Guinevere watched Lancelot ride out of her life . " Right , " Elaine said almost laughingly . She known him far too long and far too well . Despite his rugged exterior , Norman was a big softie ; she d even caught him once with one of her romance novels . " Lancelot was gone for several years , with neither a word nor mention of him by the heralds . The interesting thing , though , was that while Lancelot seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth , sightings of the Ill - Made Knight increased . I d never put it together until reading these journals that they were one and the same . " Squire and page rode respectfully behind their master . Lavaine , strong and resolute for twenty - five years , kept his passions and temper in close check as the three of them made their way across the field . The maidens found his brooding introspection all the more alluring , but Lavaine kept his distance as he focused on the impending tournament ; love could come later . Lavaine had recently been creating a name for himself in the quintain and archery , and felt certain of a win today ; where his master dominated jousting , Lavaine kept winning the individual sports . Two steps behind Lavaine , Galahad rode on a yearling . Galahad was strong like his father and eternally rambunctious , but he also had the reputation of being a do - gooder . Maybe because he walked in the shadow of his father , the ' Flower of Chivalry ' , or perhaps because it was in the blood , Galahad constantly helped those around him . He participated in every virtue and eschewed every vice . He loved to race his gelding , but hated to gamble . And when he won a contest , he 'd turn around and give the purse to someone in need . Extremely helpful , Galahad was an inseparable part of this trio . Soon they entered the town of Bridgeford for the annual tourney held there . The Ill Made Knight was a heavy favorite , mainly because he hadn 't lost in the seven years he had attended the match . This year promised to be a mighty tournament , as every visiting knight who wished to make a name for himself wanted to unseat ' Mal Fet ' . The three rode through the center of town on their way to the tournament , and as they passed the blacksmith 's shop , four girls stepped out from the shed . The two older girls waved at Lavaine while the younger ones waved hankies at Galahad . Lavaine remained stalwart in the saddle , giving them each a brief glance and nod , and the gestures seemed enough for them to fall into a swoon . Galahad , however , gave his fans a scrunched up face , as though he had just tasted something bitter . That was enough for the girls to fall into a swoon as well . As he saw the display beside him , Lancelot couldn t help but laugh . " You might be surprised . " Lancelot looked down to his offspring . " Besides , there 's more to life than being a knight . It 's what you do , but it isn 't entirely who you are . " As the threesome approached the fairgrounds , the absence of several tents and shields caught their attention . The Bridgeford tourney usually brought several of Camelot 's finest to speculate , if not participate , and this was usually the closest Lancelot got to his former comrades these days . This year , however , none of them seemed to have showed ; Tristram , Gawain , Lionel , Urre , Agravaine , and even Mordred were absent from the field . Lancelot thought it highly peculiar , but he couldn 't ask about it . He d closed the door on that life , and he didn 't want to open old wounds . Lavaine , however , still held hope that they 'd return to Camelot one day . After he and Galahad set up the tent , he went around the stands and asked about the absent Round Table knights . The news he received was so shocking that he returned to Lancelot s tent right away and roused the sleeping Lancelot and Galahad . " A couple of weeks ago , the Queen and her ladies went for a day in the countryside . They were ambushed and she , her ladies , and their escort were taken prisoner . Arthur 's recalled all his knights to begin a search for her . " " We must go right away ! " Lancelot got up . " Boys , pack our things ! I 'll give the master of ceremonies our regrets and we 'll return home , then see what aid we can offer to Arthur . " Lancelot knew what she was saying : it was over between them . Actually , it had been over a long time before ; she was merely putting an official end to it . Lancelot knew he should comfort her , but words or gestures could not take the hurt from this moment . " I know you too well . " Elaine guessed his words , " You want to say ' you re sorry ' , that there 's someone out there for me and that I just have to find him . know . know you did this for Galahad 's benefit more than my own . ell , Galahad is growing up and he 'll be his father 's son . ou have your firstborn male . ou certainly don 't need me anymore . " " Don 't sound so shocked . " Elaine 's voice remained calm but she sounded very tired . " If he wasn 't your son , would you have spent these years like this ? No , you wouldn 't . I guess I wanted to believe I actually had a chance with you . Foolish me . " Lancelot started to argue , but Elaine cut him off with an angry glare . " I 'm too angry and too heartbroken to listen your lies anymore , no matter how much I wish they were true . Lie to yourself if you must , but don 't expect me to deceive myself so we can feel better . I loved you and you couldn 't return those feelings . Let 's leave it at that . " Lancelot looked at his pack . He didn 't want to leave on such a sour note , but time was precious . " Okay , " Lancelot said simply . He felt lousy ; Elaine had been a wife to him , even though he didn 't marry her . It was as she said : she loved him and he couldn 't love her back . He felt terrible , but she had spoken truthfully ; it was better to end things . She wasn 't there to wave him , Lavaine , and Galahad off as the three men left Joyous Garde . As they made their way to Camelot , Lancelot promised to himself that this would never happen again . Love was painful enough , the absence of it was even more hurtful . He would never let down someone who loved him again . Lancelot , Lavaine , and Galahad were three days from Camelot when they came across something peculiar : a spear embedded into a tree . Lancelot dismounted for a closer look , and saw the wilted remains of a flower crown made of white roses that laid pinned beneath the spear . The crown looked like a festive decoration , something worn on a celebration or a picnic . " Well , there are some still alive . " Lancelot pulled the spear out of the tree . " This is their mark of claiming territory . And this , he held up the garlands , is Guinevere 's ; from that picnic she was ambushed in . " a " What are Picts doing this far south ? " Galahad asked . " When you told me about winning Joyous Garde , you said that it was at the Pictish border . That 's miles north of here . " " No , " Lancelot said , halting the squire . " Galahad 's right . The Picts can 't be this far south . Not if they 're on their own , sleeping in the woods . They must have an ally close by . Someone must be harboring them . " " Not very well , " Lancelot said as he thought on it . " He served with us fighting the Picts , though . Let 's check him out first . " Meleagant lived in a seaside castle much like Joyous Garde . It stood on white cliffs , amid a plain of knee high grass ; a strong , defensible position . There was no way so much as a dog could walk up to the castle without being noticed , let alone three men , but its position also gave Lancelot and the boys a clear view of the encampment surrounding the castle . A Pictish camp . There were at least a hundred Picts , smeared and colored with blue paint . The castle gate was open with wagons coming and going , making it obvious that the Picts were guests of Meleagant . The trio looked on in grim observation . " Challenges are what make life interesting . " Lancelot backed down until he was a safe distance away from the rise and stood up . " Galahad , ride to Camelot and tell Arthur what we 've found . Go now ! " The reddish - blonde boy nodded and departed . Lancelot returned to his mount where his armor and the Pict spear were strapped . The knight stared at the weapon for the longest time , and then inspiration hit . Evening came and cook fires dotted the land surrounding Meleagant 's castle . The Picts were in the midst of finishing off their dinners , when they heard a galloping in the distance . Sentries sounded the alarm as the lone knight rode out on to the field , clearly visible by the Picts and the forces inside the castle . When he got close enough , Lancelot , in his Ill - Made disguise , held aloft the Pict spear and hurled it into the camp . To the Picts , this was a clear challenge to their claim and their honor , and no less than the chief could take it up . Lancelot waited on his mount for a response until it came in the form of a seven foot tall behemoth , with limbs like oak branches and a wolf 's skull for a helmet . On the level field , the chief stood eye to the mounted knight until Lancelot dismounted , unmoved by the intimidating Pict . He approached the giant , unsheathing his sword . The Pict merely looked at the knight and gave a big belly - laugh , then pointed at the knight with his cudgel and spoke some words to his men in their native tongue . The other Picts began laughing as well . Lancelot looked up and saw the battlements crammed with sentries , looking on at the spectacle below . Then he returned his gaze to his adversary , as the Pict raised his club against him . The battle was joined , and now it was up to Lavaine . A cool sea breeze chilled the sweat on Lavaine 's forehead . He couldn 't wipe the liquid from his eyes , so he stopped his ascent until the stinging subsided . Scaling the chalk cliffs was the easy part : the soft chalk easily yielded to the spikes strapped to his hands and toes . The fortress 's stone walls were the source of more exertion . Lavaine fit the spikes in cracks and crevices in the blocks , but it was slow going . How the gargoyles did this with only their claws was a mystery to him , but he wished he had their claws now . It 'd make this climb so much easier . Looking up , Lavaine could see the top of the battlement , and he strained to reach the edge . His first knuckles went over , then the second and third . He held on and then pulled himself up and over onto the walkway . This part of the battlements was deserted . The guards were all clustered above the front gate , watching Lancelot fight the Pictish chieftain . Lavaine didn 't have time to catch his breath , as he had to get out of view . Half - crouching , half crawling , he made it to the stairwell and then down into the castle . Lancelot ducked under the Pict 's swing , and then kicked the back of the chief 's knees . The Pict buckled and collapsed , and Lancelot was on him before he could recover . The knight had his sword to the other man s throat , and the battle was over . he Picts looked on with sad , resigned expressions , while the guards in the castle were calling for blood . But Lancelot wasn 't here for blood . He let the Pict get up , but kept the cudgel away . The Picts looked to Lancelot for instruction : he was their chief now . Lancelot handed a spear to the ex - chief , as the exiled among the Picts were allowed one weapon and a skin of water . The chief took the weapon and a waterskin tossed to the ground and then fled into the woods . Come dawn , if any of the tribe saw him , they 'd kill him on sight ; that was the way of the Picts . " Manners , boys , manners . This is the leader of the wolf clan , now , " an oily voice came from behind the guards . It belonged to Meleagant , a man roughly Lancelot 's height , with silver blonde hair and light blue eyes . " I should have you killed , " Meleagant said as he inspected the man in the hodgepodge armor and mail standing before him . " I had a very good relationship with that man . He and his Picts have been an effective tool for me . " " Rather cocky , " Meleagant noted , trying to peer into the headgear to see who was inside . " But accurate . I 'm curious why you 're here my Ill Made Knight . O , I 've heard about you and I 'm wondering why a tourney player is here at my doorsteps . I s doubtful you came here just to fight Picts . " { Lavaine moved swiftly to the barracks , and stole a uniform . After putting it on , he started searching the castle ; he had to find the Camelot prisoners . He followed passages and corridors downward , and it didn 't take long to find the dungeon . Three guards covered the entrance , but Lavaine knew it would only take one to sound the alarm , so he returned to the courtyard and hunkered down to wait . Meleagant laughed . " This is your urgent news ? A thur would 've found out eventually , and it matters little . H won 't attack knowing his love is here . W 'll be safe from Arthur 's forces . " " True . " Meleagant gestured for Lancelot to sit down . " But Guinevere is the heart of Arthur , and he is the heart of Camelot . Without the heart , the rest is a lifeless body . " " I don 't . I merely saw a chance to make more money than a tourney 's purse . " Lancelot thought fast to quell Meleagant 's suspicion . " An impending battle needs every available sword arm , and I thought there might be room . If not , I 'll pack up and move on . " Meleagant chuckled again . " No need , Sir Ill - Made . Y u see the right of it . I can use every sword arm available , and you brought me some valuable information . R port to the man - at - arms , then return to me . T e Picts follow you now and I need them for the upcoming battle . " h Lancelot was striding purposefully to the barracks when Lavaine signaled him over . Quickly , the knight made a great deal of fussing over his armor , and seemed to have trouble untying his trews . The guards gave him a cursory glance as he rounded a corner , and then went to his squire . " In confusion , there 's opportunity . " Lancelot looked to the castle gates . " Give me an hour . I 'll rouse the Picts and the fighting will draw the guards away from the dungeons . That 'll be your cue . " Meleagant 's men , already deprived of one wagon , weren 't going to give up another . Pushing turned to shoving , and soon blows were exchanged . Not long after that , the fighting boiled over into a riot . Lavaine heard the rioting and then saw the sentries leave their posts . Two guards rushed up from the dungeon to join the fray . The squire took the opportunity and tackled the remaining guard and took his keys , and as he did so , the knights clamored at the door to their cell , begging Lavaine to set them free . " Shhh , " Lavaine hushed them . " This isn 't an attack , just a diversion . When I set you free , you must follow me to the barracks , arm up , and take our foes by surprise . " The knights looked to each other . None questioned Lavaine 's plan . The squire opened the cell doors , and then led them out of the dungeon . He crossed the courtyard , then signaled a few of the soldiers at a time to sprint across to the barracks with him . The Britons quickly took the sleeping barrack guards by surprise , and then hastily distributed swords , bows and axes amongst themselves . When they were ready , Lavaine signaled to Lancelot , who then headed into the castle and demanded to speak to Meleagant . The guards admitted him , and when he was inside , Lavaine lined up his men facing the main gate . With a smile to his brothers - in - arms , he raised his sword and cried out , " For Camelot ! " The men gave similar shouts and battlecries as they charged the enemy . The castle guards turned around , too stunned to react . Trapped between the drunken Picts and the now - freed knights , the guards did the only sensible thing they could think of : they ran . The guards tried fleeing through the front gate , but the Picts blocked their escape . Some tried to climb to the battlements , but the Camelot bowmen picked them off on the open stairways . Surprise was on the side of the men of Camelot , and they made full use of it . Lancelot was hurrying to Meleagant 's quarters , when he heard the door flung open and saw the nobleman dragging Guinevere with him . The kidnapper had heard the ' For Camelot ! ' battle cries below and had seen his plan begin to falter . Now , he sought to escape with his prize . Meleagant pulled the struggling queen along the empty corridor , and as he turned back to curse the queen at one point , he looked up instead at the Ill Made Knight . Lancelot was caught ; he dared not risk Guinevere 's life . Reluctantly , Lancelot dropped his sword and kicked it to the nobleman . Meleagant smiled . " Thanks , " he said , and then stabbed Lancelot in the chest . The queen s scream rang in Lancelot 's ears , and he saw them move down the hall as his vision dimmed . omething inside of him yelled at him to get up : Guinevere needed him and he couldn 't fail her . t was a struggle to get to his feet , and his left side burned with the pain , but he was alive . t hurt like hot death , but he was alive . nd while there was still fight in him , he 'd get Guinevere back . Between the sounds of battle and Guinevere 's pleading , Meleagant never heard Lancelot coming . The knight ran as hard as he could , bowling the evil noble over . Once free of the warlord , Guinevere fled for the nearest room . Meleagant came to quicker than the injured knight . " You again ? ! " Meleagant looked at the collection of armor . " Looks like I 'll have to take out your heart to make sure you re dead ! " Lancelot was just getting to his feet when Meleagant poised for the strike . Lancelot quickly tucked and rolled , coming up with his sword , and then stuck it into Meleagant 's rib cage , piercing the man s own heart . eleagant slumped over , and he was dead before his body hit the ground . Lancelot struggled to get to his feet , then went after Guinevere . When Lancelot entered the room the Queen hid from him . He was surprised by her reaction ; she seemed positively terrified of him . Lancelot was perplexed by this until he realized she didn 't recognize him , and so the Ill Made Knight removed his helmet , revealing to her the man underneath . Guinevere ran to him and hugged him deeply . Lancelot loved the embrace , but pain lanced through his side from the pressure , causing him to collapse . Guinevere immediately undid his breastplate and removed his hauberk to see what damage had been done . Meleagant 's rapier had poked through Lancelot s chainmail ; the wound was small , but deep . uinevere immediately laid him down , while she ripped some of her dress to use as a bandage , and she had him dressed and conscious by the time Lavaine found them . " Good news sir ! " The squire was all smiles . " Meleagant 's men and the Picts have fled ! The castle is ours ! We 've won ! " " In the barracks , my queen , " Lavaine answered , then he noticed his mentor s pale face and the bandage on his shoulder . oon he was under Lancelot 's arm , helping him up without the queen 's urging . ogether , they got him down to the barracks and to some first aid . Fortunately , Meleagant s sword had hit too high in Lancelot s shoulder to be dangerous . S retching his arm was painful , but he managed . T e bandage and a sling was all the attention needed . B t others weren 't so lucky . O the forty knights captured with Guinevere , three had lost their lives and seven more were laid up with injuries . G inevere , her ladies , and the castle staff abandoned by Meleagant saw to the wounded . The queen was up late into the night tending the injured , and it was very late when she returned to her room in the castle . A moment later , a knock on the door came , followed by a creak as it was opened . " hat is it now ? " S e turned around and came up short when she saw it was Lancelot . " hat can I do for you ? " s " I should have never let you go . " Guinevere turned and kissed his palm . It brought back so many memories . " Don 't go . Stay with me . " " I wasn 't going to leave . " Lancelot brushed back a tear on her face . Both fell into a warm embrace , but the pain flared up again , causing Lancelot to wince . Guinevere immediately fussed over his wound , but he stopped her , putting her hand back over his heart and drawing her close . Then , ever so gently , he leaned over and kissed her . " When our forces arrived two days later , Lancelot and Guinevere were there to greet us , " Arthur explained . " They were so happy ; old friends reuniting after so long apart . Lancelot , humble as ever , heaped all the praise on Lavaine . Lavaine 's endurance climbing the sea cliffs , and his leadership during the battle made him a knight in the eyes of the men . My dubbing him was merely a formality , but Sir Lavaine accepted it as a sacred trust , as humble as his master . " 1 " Lancelot and Guinevere betray Arthur , " Griff explained curtly . " He finds out . They escape . Arthur pursues , and while he 's away civil war erupts in Camelot . End of story . " " I know that much is untrue , " Elaine kept on him . " You 've pushed me away several times because you 're afraid to love . Why ? I 'm guessing it s guilt . " " Oh , I don 't know . " Elaine shrugged . " Maybe it 's guilt over sentencing your wife to die ? Maybe it 's guilt over ignoring an affair happening right under your nose ? hen her tone became vehement , taking on a hint of accusation . Or maybe it 's guilt of hypocrisy . I mean you accuse her of adultery , but you did the same thing yourself once . O herwise Mordred wouldn t have existed . hat 's good for the gander is treason for the goose , is that how it goes ? " 000 , " That 's enough ! " Griff started to go over to Elaine , but Norman held him back . The gargoyle 's eyes flared bright , but Norman wasn 't impressed and continued to hold on . " We can go another round . I 'm more than game . " Norman cracked a half - smile that seemed to say ' I eat gargoyles for breakfast ' . " Let them work this out , " he suggested . " It ~ is ~ guilt , " Elaine insisted as she looked into Arthur s eyes . he sad look he returned confirmed it . Guinevere 's still in your heart , and it 's eating you up . " he continued to dig into him . I mean , what does it say about a king who can 't satisfy his woman ? " " I 'm doing this because you ~ don 't ~ deserve this , and that 's what you 've been putting yourself through . You aren 't a hypocrite , and you aren 't a bad husband , and you aren 't to blame for what happened . It 's time to let that go . To let go of the past . " " It was what you ~ were ~ , " Elaine persisted . " That Arthur has been dead and gone for more than a thousand years . You may be the same person , but you aren 't the same man . " Arthur continued flipping through pages in the book until he came to a section where the pages were torn out . Elaine placed her hand over his and gave him a look was warm and open . Her smile spoke volumes , but it was summed up in one phrase : I understand . A thur returned the smile with a sad , careworn one , and an entire conversation seemed to be shared in the exchange . T en Arthur turned his hand upward , his palm touching her , and gave her own hand an encouraging squeeze . < Elaine knew she was changing the subject , but Arthur needed to think things over , needed some space . Arthur took the book , and then examined the pages before and after the missing section . In a few minutes , he was completely absorbed into the mystery . " Lancelot was one of the knights who came closest to finding the Grail , " Norman interjected . Again the gathered looked at the bodyguard with mild surprise . Norman returned their shocked look with a face like marble . " He 's right though , " Arthur said as they returned their attention to the journal . " Only four knights came close to obtaining the Grail : Percival , Bors , Lancelot , and Galahad . Galahad lost his life on the quest , and when Lancelot returned , he was so devastated , nothing could console him . If it weren 't for Guinevere , he might have died from melancholy . She put him back to rights , and then that 's when their relationship really began to show . He sighed . And that 's when things began to fall apart . ordred was creating dissension in the court . is main rallying point was the gargoyles , but it just wasn 't compelling enough . e needed something big to begin an insurrection . nd that something came in the form of a kiss . " As Lancelot left the library , he could feel his heart breaking . But he had to be strong for Guinevere 's sake . He got his pack from the room and headed down to the stables , nearly barreling into Lavaine . Lancelot looked up at the young man and managed a smile . " No , you 're not my page anymore . You 've been a true friend to me . Can you do me a favor ? " Lancelot didn 't say any more as he rushed down the remainder of the staircase and on to the stables . " When you 're gone ? ! Lancelot ? ! " Lavaine called after the knight , but Lancelot didn 't slow down . Lancelot was leading his horse out into the courtyard when someone shouted his name . It was Agravaine leading a pack of twelve knights towards him . In the best of moods , Lancelot tolerated Agravaine 's pettiness , but this was not one of those times . " You have all the time in the world , " Agravaine smiled nastily . " The king 's ordered you detained . He said not to use force unless given cause , but I certainly hope you give us cause . " " What 's this all about ? " Lancelot held tightly on the reins . " Don 't know . Something about the queen and treason or something or other , " Agravaine wondered idly , knowing it dug at Lancelot . For the first time in his life , Lancelot began to panic . Not even when fighting against the wyvern of Corbin was Lancelot in anxiety 's grip like he was now . All he could think about was escape . He sprang up onto his steed , preparing to flee , but Agravaine was waiting for that . He had the knights surround Lancelot , using clubs and poles to bring him down . Lancelot drew his sword , keeping the poles at bay for a time , but there were too many of them . When he swung to keep five off to his right , a staff knocked him between the shoulders from the left , and he was unhorsed . Agravaine stood over him with a malicious grin on his face . " You don 't know how many years I 've wanted to see you unseated , Lancelot . Oh , how the mighty have fallen . You and the queen will share the gallows when you 're both executed . " He laughed . " Stuff it ! " Lavaine shouted as he looked at the dazed knight . Then he set into the other knights , laying out half of them before they knew what had happened , giving Lancelot time to recover . The battle was joined as the two knights fought amid the chaos . But Agravaine had never been a match for Lancelot , and now was no different . As he lunged , Lancelot sidestepped the thrust and knocked him to the ground . Then Agravaine spun around and swung his sword in wide arcs . He acted like a man possessed , growing more and more enraged with every miss . After his initial panic , Lancelot regained some of his cool and disarmed Agravaine in short order . The knight s sword went flying , clattering on the flagstones . Disarmed , Agravaine was harmless , and Lancelot started to sheath his sword and get out before reinforcements came . But then Agravaine produced a knife and charged Lancelot . Instinct told Lancelot to turn around , and he spun on his heels , bringing up his sword in defense . Before he could stop himself , Agravaine impaled himself on Lancelot 's weapon , a look of surprise , then hatred on his face at the man who d bested him this last time . hen Agravaine slid back , falling off the sword and to the ground with a thud that silenced all action in the courtyard . Lavaine kept his wits . He got Lancelot on his horse and on his way before the others recovered from the shock . Lancelot was almost out of sight of the castle when he heard the alarm raised . He could see the gargoyles circling the castle and the torches light up the late night gloom . Soon the whole castle would know : Lancelot was a murderer . " Then whose sword is sticking out of my brother 's ribs ? ! " Gawain demanded . " Whose hand put it there ? ! Sire , you charged my brother with holding Lancelot . There 's no reason it should have turned violent . Lancelot tried to flee , and when that failed he fought his way out , injuring some good knights and killing Agravaine . " " And your devotion to your brother is as well ! " Lavaine shot back . " I was there ; you weren 't ! Agravaine came at Lancelot with a knife while his back was turned . Hardly respectable behavior for a knight . " " Your majesty , please drop these charges . Not against him , but against Guinevere . He 'll face whatever punishment you have for him , but the Queen doesn 't deserve the same fate . " Arthur whirled on Lavaine , anger burning in his eyes . " They are both traitors , and I suggest you watch what you say , lest those same charges are leveled against you ! You were there and saw everything because you took part in Lancelot 's escape ! That 's aiding a criminal ! Do you want to return to Astolat a dishonored knight ? ! If so , then by all means , keep pressing ! " Arthur continued down the corridor , anger and sorrow wrapped around him like a cloak . Gawain wasted no time in tracking the wayward knight , but Lancelot was far too adept at disappearing . Both questing knights , Gawain knew Lancelot could hide in the forests and hinterland for years without running into anyone . And Lancelot had every reason not to be seen again . After two weeks , Gawain returned to Camelot empty - handed . When Guinevere heard that her love was still free , she breathed a sigh of relief , but knew it wasn 't over . Tomorrow , she 'd be burn at the stake . She d evaded that fate before , but now it was almost comforting . he died everyday from guilt , and at least this way that pain would be over . he only wished she could end Arthur 's pain with her death . or Lancelot 's sake , she hoped he wouldn 't come charging to her rescue this time . avaine wearily returned to his room . e 'd spent the day trying to rally support against this travesty . e thought that if enough of the Round Table opposed the action , Arthur might recant , but so far he d only gotten Lancelot 's kin behind him ; not a big feat . M st of the old guard staunchly supported Arthur , while the younger knights didn 't want to make waves . I was an exercise in futility : Arthur was so torn with grief , he wouldn 't hear reason . As Lavaine entered his darkened bedchamber , rough hands grabbed him . " Easy , boy , easy , " Lancelot whispered into his ear as the young knight struggled . Lavaine immediately relaxed and turned around . " By the ancients , " he said . " How did you get here ? " " Gawain 's not the only tracker in court . I found him searching for me and followed him back , " Lancelot explained quickly . " What 's happened to Guinevere ? " " No ! " Lancelot grieved for a moment , then grew resolute . " No , she won 't die tomorrow , not if I can help it . Will you help me ? " The first part of the plan , fetching Guinevere , went without a hitch . She readily went with Lancelot , while Lavaine roused the pages , and kept the rest of the castle distracted with all sorts of mischief . The next part of the plan called for a hurried exit from Camelot , but Lancelot encountered his old comrade , Gareth . Before either knew what they were doing , Gareth lay dead . The first thing that went through Lancelot s mind was the dinner he d had with Gareth and his wife a few weeks before . H w could he tell Gareth s wife that she was a widow by his hand ? La celot could feel himself shut down . He felt numb , and his eyes remained fixed on his hand , which was stained crimson with his friend s blood . Guinevere had to bring him back to his senses ; they were still in danger . " Lancelot , I know Gareth was a good friend , but we must go NOW ! Grieve later , my champion . " " I 'm tired , my love , " Guinevere said as she stared off into the forest . " Tired of the fighting , the dying . Tired of the pain we 've caused . " " I know you were fond of Gareth . I remember when he came to Camelot ; he wouldn 't be knighted by anyone except you . His wife , Liones , made him so happy . But he 's dead . Dead because of us . " Guinevere shook her head . " He 'll be only the first casualty . How many of our friends must we bury ? We both feared a civil war and now that 's what we 're facing ! The only way to prevent this is for me to go away . I 'll be safe in a nunnery , and it might even stop this tragedy before it starts . " Guinevere took his hands in hers . " I know , my love . I thought if we just got away , we might find a small measure of happiness . But things have spun out of control and our chance together has gone with it . Please , don 't fight me on this . You know it 's the right thing to do . " When the two arrived at the convent , they prepared to say their good - byes . Lancelot shared one kiss with Guinevere , their final kiss , and he wished things were different . Looking into her eyes , he could tell she wished the same thing . Lancelot looked at her with a sadness that could break a heart . " Then stay , " he pleaded . " Whatever it is , love can see it through . " For a moment , Guinevere followed her heart . She imagined what a life with him would be like : a small cottage in the woods . Not much , but they 'd have each other . Maybe a child or two , one they could love and care for . It could be theirs . All they had to do was keep riding to Joyous Garde , then France , and maybe even past the Rhine if Arthur gave chase . To stay by his side was her fondest wish , and it was so real she could taste it . But then reality set it in , feeling like a cold weight in the pit of her stomach . Their love didn 't affect just them anymore . The whole kingdom was at risk . If they were the only ones who suffered , she 'd gladly take the punishment , but she had no right to ask this of the kingdom . She was still queen and Britain came first . " We laid siege to Joyous Garde until we learned Lancelot wasn 't there , " Arthur explained . " He had gone across the straits to his homeland , and I chased him all the way to France . While I was gone , Mordred took the chance to seize power , and when I heard of that my anger for Lancelot flew , replaced by fear for my kingdom . The rest is . . . well . . . legend . ' The battle of Camlann ' and the ' Death of the King ' . Despite all our efforts to save it , Camelot fell . " " There 's more . " Elaine took Griff 's umbrage . " Nothing lasts but the moments in our lives . Life is part comedy , part tragedy , part drama , and part farce . This was a tragedy , but remember the good parts as well . Then move on to the next moment . " Elaine smiled . If cracking jokes was any sign , he 'd be okay . She took the book from him , and then flipped through to the end . There between the last page and the cover , a letter fell out . Arthur picked it up . It was from Lancelot , and everyone huddled around Arthur as he read it . For most of my life , Arthur and Guinevere have been my closest friends . Guinevere had my love , Arthur my admiration . Guinevere with her noble bearing and courtly grace rivaled many goddesses in mythology . But I fell in love with her spirit more than her looks . She was so special , and I only wish I had seen it first . That honor goes to Arthur . He saw how special she was and treasured her . We may have disagreed about many things , but we can both agree that we loved her . The same can be said about Arthur . Guinevere and I both knew the greatness in him . Forging a kingdom , creating a place of beauty and wonder ; his task wasn 't easy . If there is one wish I could have granted , I 'd wish Arthur might think well of both of us . Guinevere 's love for him never wavered . And my love for him couldn 't be stronger . I hope that wherever my king finds his rest , whether it be heaven or Avalon , that he knows that his knight kept his pledge . " Yes , " Arthur nodded . " I came here to pay my respects to Lancelot . Instead , I 've got a better insight into the man and myself . I have you to thank for that . " " A knight errant 's job is never done , " Elaine said with a tinge of regret . " Who knows ? We might meet again . If we do , what do you say we catch a play ? How do you feel about ' Camelot ' ? " Arthur stared at Elaine . Then they both burst into laughter as they reached doorway . The fog had rolled in , blanketing the countryside ; a perfect night to simply slip away into the darkness . " Thank you , " Arthur said as he caressed her face and departed into the fog . Just before Arthur 's silhouette disappeared into the mist , it was joined by two others . One a winged shape taller than a man , the other a dog - shaped shadow . Griff and Cavall had joined their King , and they were leaving Bamburgh . Elaine watched on and felt more than heard Norman 's approach . " Thanks for not calling Hector about this , " Elaine said casually . " I have a question for you , " Elaine said as she continued staring into the night . " Do you dream ? I mean , do you think there 's room enough in our world for Camelots , King Arthurs , Guineveres and Lancelots ? " Elaine hugged the journal with the embossed rose close to her chest and let out another sigh . " That 's what I thought . A shame really . A crying shame . "
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Today we celebrate two birthdays . First , Malcolm Roberts who would have been 65 today . Malcolm Roberts3 / 31 / 44 - 2 / 7 / 03And , then I decided I couldn 't let the day go by without honoring Michael 's birthday . He is not in Everybody I Shot Is Dead but the amount I hear from him these days I sometimes have to wonder if he packed it in so he could be in the sequel . After all , he is a rock star . If for no other reason than having appeared on my blog before . He was also the first person to make a comment on my blog , although I 'm pretty sure he hasn 't visited since . That makes 427 posts that you need to catch up on , M . G . He is also a rock star because he 's an amazing musician and he writes great songs . But he 's mostly considered a rock star because I took pictures of him onstage at the Universal Amphitheater back in 1977 . Oh , did I forget to mention he 's rock star hot ? And who is that back - up guy ? The tour was in support an album he did with ex - bEagle , Bernie Leadon . Their band was called The Leadon / Georgiades Band and the album is Natural Progressions and it still holds up . . . so check it out . I went looking for Michael on youtube and only found two . At first , I thought I 'd put up the one called As Time Goes On , since it is a song from the Natural Progressions album . But then I figured it might piss him off because even though it 's a song he and Bernie did together , the visual is a " This Is Your Life " compilation of Bernie , without a single frame of Michael . So , it 's just best if I don 't post it in case he sees it and never speaks to me again ( which would not be so far from how it is these days ) . . . So , in an effort to keep our deep friendship , I 'm going with this other track off the album . Although Bernie has the lead vocal , at least the visual is the album cover with Michael included so it appears as if he had something to do with the project . . . Happy Birthday , MG . . . with lots of love . . . . in so many ways . But I 'm especially lacking in a post idea to keep up with my post - a - post - everyday New Year 's resolution . Which , by the way , I have managed to do and have to say that most of those 88 posts have been pretty substantial . Fuck . Can you believe we have already eaten 88 days this year ? Somebody really needs to put a stop to this . Who 's got the nukes ? Anyway , I 'm sorely lacking blog inspiration today because I was up at 6 am and on my way to LAX by 6 : 30 am . Did I ever mention I 'm not a morning person ? Then I came home and an hour later I was at the very busy Beehive trying to knock out 5 acts of our first episode for the potential reality show ( as in we 're hoping it will sell so you all can actually see it ) . Knocking out 5 acts is an enormous feat on any day but when you 're asleep at the wheel , it 's like climbing a mountain barefoot . Anyone besides me notice all my brilliant rock ' n ' roll references in that sentence ? Maybe I should stop right here and go back to working on the show . Back to the reality show , being a full disclosure kind of girl , I have to admit that I only managed the cold open and two thirds of the first act . Sad . Sad . Sad . I should be throttled . Again , being sorely lacking in post ideas , I first asked Tyler . He said I should post something for Eric Clapton 's birthday . And say that he 's the only 3 - time Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee . All that suggestion did was remind me that I have yet had the opportunity to focus my lens on Mr . Clapton . If you 're reading this Eric , Happy Birthday and please call me . Soon . Then I tweeted my conundrum to my Twitter followers . All 27 of them . How sad is that ? Only 27 followers when Demi Moore has 345 , 363 . What the fuck does Demi Moore have that I don 't have ? Besides Ashton Kutcher ? Okay , I may have only 27 but my 27 are quality . And you know the saying , so I don 't have to type it . Much to my surprise , within minutes . . . seconds even , I heard back from three of my 27 . That 's over 10 % . Hey writers , try getting that kind of response when you send out a qPosted by I just wrote this whole thing about working on the reality show today and being tired and having to get up at 6am to go to LAX and then I wrote this : Wow . . . this is a really crappy post . It 's not really that I have nothin ' . It 's just that somethin ' feels like it would take too much effort at this particular moment . So , how about I just put up a couple of photos . . . After I scrolled through some pictures on my iPhone to see what I could find . . . and pulled a couple , I decided to erase my long - winded crappy crap post in favor of a little game called - - What Is This Picture ? Times Two . . . Hopefully , I 'll have something better for you tomorrow . . . but you never know . In the meantime , for those who don 't have my book , please check this out and consider placing an order for yourself or as a gift . . . . aka Romantic Blogging . Yes , it that weird Earth Hour thingy that everybody has been posting on Facebook . At first I thought it was pretty cool . . . until I went to the Earth Hour website and found out we only have to turn off the lights . So we can watch TV , make spaghetti on the electric range and blow dry our hair , so long as it 's done by candlelight . And they encourage live blogging . You see , when I first heard about this I thought we were supposed shut off all our electricity . . . do the full rolling blackout thing ( is the term rolling blackouts known anywhere outside of SoCal ? ) But even though I think this whole thing is retarded , I 'm still doing it . The people who live behind me have their lights on . Hang on while I check and see if the rest of the street is Earth Houring . . . . N - O spells no . We 're the only house that is completely dark . This is L . A . people . . . the City of Angels . . . the place where everybody eats friggin ' tofu and organically grown veggies . . . headquaters of famous actors and musicians for kabbalah . . . home of the Scientology Celebrity Center . Shit . Even the catholic high school across the way is completely lit up . What the fuck ? You think the brothers , fathers or whoever they are over there could dig an hour of candlelight . Get with it people ! ! We 're trying to save the planet here . Counting down . . . one minute to the end of the hour . No one can say I didn 't do my part . P . S . Don 't even ask me about the tennis shoe on the table . The title of this post is for you , the reader . Fridays are the same as every other day for me . I don 't have a regular 9 to 5 job . My job is pretty much 24 / 7 because most of my job takes place in my head . It 's a lot of thinking , inventing , creating and then executing . Sometimes the executing is hard because the idea has gelled in my head it 's as if I have already done it , making the execution mundane . My job is also a curse because it 's always there . It is impossible for me to leave my work at the office . Unless I can find a way to remove my brain and eyes without harm or side effects . I was checking some of the referrals I got today and I found something that surprised me . I had no idea that you / I can use Google to translate an entire blog . Check this out . . . I love it ! I 'm thinking I should change the blog title to Todo el mundo me està Muerto a tiros . I 'm just wondering why Dead is the only word capitalized after the first word ? Once I was in the translated version of my blog I could navigate to other pages and it was still in Spanish . It was fun to read what I myself wrote and not have any idea what it says . Even yesterday 's post . . . Although I was able to translate the friend 's friend 's death at the hands of a drunk driver . I like it better in English . Un amigo , amigo de la muerte a manos de un conductor ebrio sounds way too romantic . I opened yesterday 's post because I think I used a swear word and I want to see how google translated it . Okay , does mierda mean shit ? And why is Downer capped ? And now I need to find a post with fuck . I want to see what Google spanish does with that . . . and maybe the rest of George Carlin 's seven words . Sheesh , I have a potty mouth . . . I only had to go back to last Sunday . Wow . They use the same word for fuck that they use for shit . Mierda . In my world there 's a ginormous difference between fuck and shit . Other than the fact that they 're both on George 's list . One of today 's search word referrals was an old favorite of mine . . . " sexy male crotch pictures . " I think those search words used Posted by It was the best of times , it was the worst of times , it was the age of wisdom , it was the age of foolishness , it was the epoch of belief , it was the epoch of incredulity , it was the season of Light , it was the season of Darkness , it was the spring of hope , it was the winter of despair , we had everything before us , we had nothing before us , we were all going direct to heaven , we were all going direct the other way - in short , the period was so far like the present period , that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received , for good or for evil , in the superlative degree of comparison only . Of course that is the opening from The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens , but it could have easily be written to describe the state of my reality at this very moment . . . and possibly the state of yours or someone you know . I 've had " It 's the best of times , it 's the worst of times " rolling round my brain on a daily basis for the whole month of March . And if I 'd remembered the whole quote , the wisdom / foolishness part would be right up there too . I 've never had a month like this before . . . where I literally got the best news ever and worst news ever on the same day , and on one occasion it was within an hour . I 'm not talking about someone calling and saying , " I 've got good news and bad news . which do you want first ? " I 'm talking about getting great news from one person and then later getting crap news from someone else . The result of this has been almost a negation of events . A period of not being . Despite all the great news I 've been unable to jump for joy and do cartwheels around the house ( although I accidentally sort of did a cartwheel last night when I tripped in the middle of Ventura Boulevard while jaywalking ) , and at the same time most of the bad news hasn 't had me in tears writhing on the hardwood floor ( except for news of a friend 's friend 's death at the hands of a drunk driver ) . In times past my experience has generally been a bad day or a good day , a bad week or a good week so I could feel stellar on the goPosted by I 'm reaching out for a little help from my friends . Since I consider every person who stops by my blog a friend , that means you . And you . And you . I need to sell 150 copies ofEverybody I Shot Is Deadin the next 6 days . Here 's the deal . You have to purchase the books directly from my website - don 't worry about security ' cause all the orders go through Paypal and they don 't let me see any of your personal information other than your name and shipping address . All the books will be signed by the author . Oh wait , that 's me . Yeah , I 'll sign the books and even personalize them to whoever you want if you put a note on the order . And as a bonus , since this is A Little Help From My Friends , I will include a special edition 8 . 5x11 signed inkjet print of Ringo for your framing pleasure . For those friends who already own a copy of my book , I hope you 'll consider buying another as a gift for a friend or even your local library ( and you can keep the print ) . If you can 't help directly , I would appreciate it if you could link this post on your blog or facebook it or send it to all your friends and ask them to send it to theirs or twitter it or viral it the old fashioned way - you know , just open your window and shout it out to the masses . Click to check it out : Everybody I Shot Is DeadAnd I thank you very much in advance . Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of the great bluesman , Mighty Joe Young . Mighty Joe Young 9 / 23 / 27 - 3 / 24 / 99Last year I searched and searched for MJY footage ( it 's hard when you have to scour through all the gorilla movie youtube vids ) and found only one thing . And it 's now been taken down . The only thing I could find now was this song with no footage : Anyone out there who has footage on this fine , fine musician , please share it so we can get Mighty Joe Young the props he deserves and a new generation of fans . You can see more pictures and learn about Mighty Joe Young and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . Here 's the this and that of what I can remember from this past week , or maybe just today . . . 1 . For some reason I feel really tired . Maybe I actually worked hard . Or didn 't get enough sleep . Or both . 2 . As a former competitive skier , I was very disturbed by the death of Natasha Richardson . So sad . So tragic . So unreal . When I was 12 there was a really sweet blonde girl on our ski team named Laura . She was standing at the bottom of a slope ( not a bunny one , mind you ) waiting for everyone to congregate . She didn 't realize that some teenage show - off boys had created a make - shift ski jump of packed snow a few yards up the slope . Some jackass kid came flying down the hill , went over the jump and clipped Laura in the side of her head with his ski tip . It was the first funeral I ever attended . Her casket was white . It was petite . Just like her . I will never forget . 3 . I 've been considering other services my company can offer . Been thinking about focusing a section of my website on services I do and want to provide . It 's taking me forever to assemble the materials / content . . . I wish I had someone that could help . I 'm taking a special interest in the photography portion , offering services in all areas - film production stills , music , parties ( only cool one ) etc - and had to quickly throw up ( not vomit ) some of my production stills for a potential client . I could only find some from one movie I did . . . I think the ones I shot on another movie are stuck on a hard drive I can 't mount . Anyway here are a few of my faves from the 20 - some I put up . Seymour CasselSeymour and Shawn AndrewsDesi LydicThese photos are from Big Heart City and you can see more of them here ( click " production stills " ) . And to E . C Henry , that 's where you can also check out my key art / movie poster design work . 4 . I 'm beginning to get the hang of Twitter , although there 's this really weird feeling surrounding the actual doing of it . Can 't really describe it . . . maybe it 's the idea of putting myself out there and not knowing who 's watching or reading . Wait a sec , that ' Posted by I have done a ton of key art designs aka movie posters . Call it my bread and butter over the past umpteen years . I 've posted a few random things here and there but this one is different . Yesterday for some reason I got to thinking about a poster I did a really long time ago . Maybe it was because I was looking something else up on IMDB when I got irked at the fact that this certain design is no longer used on the movie 's packaging . Why should that bother me ? For many reasons . Which I shall get off my chest via a list : 1 . It 's one of my best . 2 . I worked my ass off to convince the Cannon owner / execs to use my original design and not fuck it up with clutter images ( they liked to have helicopters on every poster ) . 3 . It was put up on billboards around LA and also backlit bus shelters several weeks before the movie was released . 4 . Several of the bus shelters were broken into and the posters were stolen . 5 . The head of Warner Brothers ( Terry Semel at the time , I think ) and other studio heads called my bosses and complimented them on the great artwork ( first and last time that ever happened ) . 6 . The movie was # 1 at the box office it 's opening weekend , but it tanked the second weekend once the word of mouth got out . 7 . I won an award for it . I believe those items in part and as a whole mean that the art was great and therefore should be used on everything thereafter . But instead , somebody over at MGM ( they now control the title ) decided to use a version of the key art that was done before my version . A version that I think looks classless and skanky . First , here is my poster : Sexy and classy , right ? I must admit , it would have been nothing without the wonderful photography by the amazing Randee St . Nicholas and the beautiful actors Angela Alvarado and Robby Rosa , who by the way got married a couple of years after this was done , made a couple of kids and are still married to this day ( not that I had anything to do with that ) . And here is the key art they are using on the DVD : < Skanky and classless . Same movie , same actors , different Posted by Twelve years ago today the great Ronnie Barron passed away . " Ronnie who ? " you say ? I first met and photographed him when he was playing keyboards on tour with Paul Butterfield 's Better Days . I also knew him after I moved to L . A . when he was playing with John Mayall and I was working with John on my first book , starart . During Ronnie 's early days in New Orleans he created a character know as Reverend Ether . Later Ronnie bestowed the character on Mac Rebennack - Who 's Mac Rebennack , you ask ? - who used it to create his own onstage persona known as Dr . John The Night Tripper . And you say , " Oh , that Mac Rebennack . " And if you 're under the age of zero or just completely musically uninformed you can search Dr . John on You Tube . . . of course , after you finish reading this post and watching the rare vid of Ronnie . Ronnie Barron10 / 9 / 43 - 3 / 20 / 97Here 's a rare video of Ronnie . . . the only moving audio / visual representation I 've found on him . . . And for all you movie fans , you know Ronnie Barron as the CIA Bartender in Above The Law . You can see lots more pictures and learn more about Ronnie Barron and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . I took the dogs to the puppy park today and the only pair of socks I had to wear were a black pair of anklets that kept sliding off my heels into my tennies . I hate it when that happens . I bought a few nice pairs of socks a few months ago , but they were the thick kind . . . to keep my piggies warm . Then the Pumpkin puppy and Drama dog went into my padlocked drawers and dragged one sock of almost every pair I had to the backyard to play tug - o - war ( except , of course , the nasty black anklets ) . . . and now they all have holes and / or are torn apart . Sock ThiefSock Thieves Playing Tug - o - WarSee ? I need socks . The cotton kind . The ones that stay on over my heels . Ones without holes . New ones . The kind you get when you go to a store . Except I can 't go to the store . Which means I can 't buy new socks . Because thanks to the economic meltdown , I 'm on a spending freeze until further notice . No bailout for me , right Mr . President ? But how about a pair of cotton socks ? The address is 12930 Ventura Blvd , # 674 , Studio City , CA 91604 . Thank you . Ever since I began screenwriting . It 's the one unbreakable rule . The adage . Writing is rewriting . For me it 's a curse . Not because I don 't like to do it . Nope . Quite the opposite . I love the rewrite . It 's where you get to fix things . You get to up everything to the next level . And then the next level . And the next . I love it . Except sometimes it pisses me off because I just don 't understand why I didn 't figure out the best words the first time around . Anyway , that 's not what my bitch on rewriting is today . My bitch today is about the curse . No , no , not that curse . . . although I could bitch about that for as long as I 've had it . Today , it 's the curse of rewriting that 's got me going . Since I wrote my first screenplay several years ago - a script that I overwrote , then rewrote , then got optioned , then rewrote several more times for the producer and director , then got it back , then hated it and rewrote it a bunch more times - yeah , since all that happened I can 't stop rewriting . The reason I 'm telling you this now is that yesterday I got an email from someone and the subject line was " Great News ! ! " And , indeed , it was great news . Even better than great . So , I dashed off a quick reply that simply said , " That is ecstatic inducing news ! ! " No biggie , right ? Except when I was in the shower later on I wanted to rewrite the email . I wanted it to be , " That 's not great news . . . that 's ecstatic inducing news ! ! " As if that would have made a huge difference . And then it dawned on me . I want to rewrite everything . All the time . I swear if I reread this post tomorrow , or even five minutes after I post it , I will want to rewrite it . Heaven forbid I read any of my earlier posts . . . they 'd all have to be rewritten . I can 't read my book because I would want to rewrite it . And now I want to rewrite emails that I 've already sent . I don 't limit this rewriting obsession to the written word . No . I 'd love to rewrite almost every conversation I 've ever had . Does that happen to you ? Have you ever had an important conversation with someone , and even thougPosted by Today is Hollywood Fats 's 54th birthday . Hollywood Fats3 / 17 / 54 - 12 / 8 / 86Most of you have probably never heard of Hollywood Fats . He was an amazing blues guitarist but cut his life and career short , leaving us with far too little music . There are also a few records floating around , including a compilation put out on Delta Groove ( check out the audio clips ) . Here is the lone video I found on youtube that didn 't have embedding disabled . . . Happy Birthday , Fats ! You can see lots more pictures and learn more about Hollywood Fats and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . Most of the traffic that finds its way to my little cul de sac on the world wide web each day is - - crap , I forgot the buzz word - - is , is , is . . . what do they call traffic that 's new ? And of that whatever - it 's - called traffic , most comes through google image searches . The most popular picture that brings people to this blog has nothing to do with my book , but it just happens to be one of my favorite pictures that shows up eventually if you search headshave . . . I 'd say the most - searched musician from Everybody I Shot Is Dead . is Terry Kath . Then there are the waves , where there 's no search on a particular musician for a while and then suddenly there 's a barrage . I 'd understand it if it corresponded to the musician 's birth or death day but it doesn 't . Today 's interest fell on Tim Buckley . But my favorite searches are the one 's that are looking for something that has nothing to do with me or my book . Let me see if I can find a few examples from the past few days . . . 1 . Pictures of Dead Babies or Baby Delivery Pictures - By far the most popular . I can 't for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to see a picture of a dead baby . I 'm sure they 're surprised when they end up on THIS PAGE . Ha ha . . . bet they weren 't expecting that . 2 . Kitchen Mites - This is a close second . And I 'm happy to report that my blog performs a service by providing extremely valuable information to those in need . This search will land you HERE . 3 . Brain Surgery - It 's obvious why I get this one since I have reported on Jaimie 's brain surgery ad nauseum , and it comes in all kinds of forms . Here 's some recent ones : if you want to be a brain surgeon do you have to work on dead people - doctor headshave - sleepy after brain surgery - what are my risks of a 5 and a half hour surgery . I sincerely hope that each and every one of these searches found something helpful . My favorite keyword search from today was shoot every body on the suitelife . In case you don 't watch Saturday morning TV , the Suite Life is a kid 's show about twin boys who live in a hotel . YPosted by If I ever had a God complex it 's gone as of today , because I didn 't get one second of rest on this seventh day . It started with my monthly writers group from 10 - 12 : 30 , then I wrote on the reality show with my cohort from 12 : 40 - 6 : 20 at Starbucks - straight through with no munchies . . . just two cups of decaf . Got home at 6 : 30 and scarfed down some food ( you have no idea how ravenous and hypoglycemic I was at that point ) . Did a little organizational work , then was on the phone with my producing partner from 8 - 10 : 45 working on the budget for the movie . I hung up with him and pulled these pictures and converted them to a manageable post size in order to complete the second half of yesterday 's rant . This time it 's photographs I took that focus on things rather than people so it 's more about lines , spaces , movement and , of course , composition . I guess you could say it 's how I see the world around me . Again , these are all taken with my iPhone camera and are not cropped or retouched . Apple NYCI like pretty much everything about this photo , but I ' mespecially drawn to the shadowy figures in the bottom half . Tube ManI like the perspective in this shot and the movement that definesthe speed to the train compared to the lack of speed of the man walking . Palm SpringsI love the fact that when people see this on my phone they are baffled . Maybe it 's easier to figure out on here . NYCI like the red lights and the vertical red streaksin combination with the horizontal streaks of white light . FlagsI like the contradiction of the precise and staticrow of lights below the free waving flags . Mind The GapBest phrase ever . WI love the angle from above , the elegance of the lights andthe perfection of the place coupled with the imperfection that is people , especially the blurred guy going up the stairs . I also love the face that all the green patches are real growing grass . This is a bonus photo that I took on my way home from Starbucks tonight . I took it very quickly through the car window so it 's not a great example of anything except maybe subpar photoPosted by Just like movies , books , music , paintings , sculpture and any other art form you care to name , photography is subjective . And like the other arts , I believe anyone can learn the technical side of the craft but I don 't believe talent can be taught . In photography I think talent represents a person 's eye . Not only how one frames the picture , but how one sees things . How they interpret the world around them . And how well and often they can catch that special moment in time . Let me tell you , it ain 't easy . Sometimes it 's like getting the planets to align . Now that we 're in the digital , everyone thinks themselves a photographer . Okay , maybe not every everyone . It 's the same as when Photoshop came out . Suddenly , everyone considered themselves a designer . That movement pretty much killed my ability to make a real living ( as in making enough to live " well " ) because the young upstarts with a Mac and Photoshop moved into the independent film world and lowered the financial bar . Unfortunately , the clients didn 't realize that just because they had tool didn 't mean they could design . Just because you can hold a pencil doesn 't mean you can draw . So , just because you have an awesome expensive camera ( the tool ) , it doesn 't mean you can take great or even good pictures . And I think if you have a good / great eye , you can take a good / great photograph with the shittiest of cameras . And I don 't think it 's possible to teach someone how to have a good / great eye . Someone who doesn 't have a good / great eye can occasionally shoot a great picture but for the most part I believe you either have it or you don 't . Here are some photos I took that fall under the people category ( tomorrow I 'll post some non - people shots ) that I think represent use of my good eye . None of them have been cropped or retouched or adjusted in any way . They all come straight from the camera . Oh , and the camera is my iPhone . Let 's see if I can give them some spiffy titles and what I like about them . Innocence and WondermentI love the look in the boy 's eye and the relationshipChesher Cat Okay , I gotta remember what I did this week . But it 's a little hard because I had a small glass of red wine that gave me a very big buzz . I am such a lightweight . I didn 't get enough sleep this week . I like the nights where I close my eyes and they don 't open again until I 've had my eight hours . Didn 't get even close to one of those this week . Maybe tonight . Or tomorrow night . Even without good sleep , I managed to create a couple of comps for a movie poster . Turned them in yesterday and have not heard back . Wondering if they hated them . I did a lot of communicating this week . Answered emails that were three months old . My bad . Still have some that are even older than that . I think it 's a mood thing for me when I am writing a specific person . Gotta be in the right frame of mind . Made some progress on my movie . Unfortunately , nothing I can talk about . . . yet . Now that I think about it , this week was crazy . Crazy ' cause I actually did some furniture rearranging and a mad cleaning of my house . Partly because it really needed it - - my living room was too junked up ; my house ( especially with two dogs ) gets way too dirty , as in layers of dirt on everything from the floor up - - and partly because I had another pitch meeting at my house for the reality show I can 't tell you about . This time there were eleven people including me . Figured I had to make a good impression . It went very well , thank you very much . Now I 'm going to watch Them ! Not the band . . . these guys . . . If you haven 't seen you 're really missing out . P . S . If there are horrible grammatical errors and an overabundance of typos in this post it 's the wine writing , not me . Sometimes we forget the importance of intuition . Today I was reminded of it in a strangely cosmic way . I was entering some receipts I dumped on my desk from my recent trip . When I got to the bottom of them there was a faded pink post - it with a dog - eared corner sticking out from under my laptop . I picked it up and stared at the barely visible handwriting ( actually handprinting ) on the front . On one line was " thinkexist " and a ways below it was " . com " . Curious as I am , I decided to check it out . I typed in the url www . thinkexist . com and it went to a website with the subtitle " Finding Quotations was never this Easy ! " The weird part is that it opened to this page : What 's weird about that ? Well , it 's the sites basic url but the page has three quotes from people born on November 15th . Why would it open to a November 15th page in the middle of March ? When I clicked the November 15th link at the bottom of the page it went to a different November 15th page that had dozens of pages with quotes from people born on November 15th , not just the three on the opening page . After some more poking around , I came to the realization that I was on someone 's registered user page . But whose ? I checked with Jaimie since she 's the likely candidate but it wasn 't hers . She thought she 'd heard of the site but was not a registered user . And she 's only been on my computer a couple of times to check her email . Si , this whole thing is a complete mystery to me . I don 't know anyone else who 's been on my computer and , unless I 'm completely nuts , I 've never been to this site . I will have to assume that for some cosmic reason someone wanted me to read these three saved quotes . I 'm still trying to figure out what the first two should mean to me , but the third one is crystal clear and something that I should always keep at the forefront of my conscious brain . Here are all three quotes if you 're too lazy to open the photograph . . . 1 . Felix Frankfurter was born on November 15 , 1882American jurist , 1882 - 1965Wisdom too often never comes , and so one ought not to Posted by I 'm multitasking . Editing photos for a movie poster I need to get done , making dinner and scanning some randomly - picked - out - of - the - pile negatives so I can create a post for today . I hate multitasking . I also hate whoever came up with the idea that the ability multitask is an asset . It 's not . It 's a liability . Because if you 're multitasking you 're doing a whole bunch of things at once and doing none of them well . Focus , people . Focus . Start something , finish it and move on to the next thing . Enough of my bitching . I 've got the Steve Miller in the scanner . In his prime . Here 's a couple I pulled . . . Some people call me the space cowboySome call me the gangster of loveSome people call me MauriceCause I speak of the pompatus of love . People talk about me , babySay I 'm doin ' you wrong , doin ' you wrongWell , don 't you worry babyDon 't worry Cause I 'm right here , right here , right here , right here at home ( Written by Steve Miller , Eddie Curtis , Ahmet Ertegün ) FYI , this post took me over two hours to create . Proving my point that multitasking is not an asset . Take it off your resume . The dinner turned out good , though .
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Today we celebrate two birthdays . First , Malcolm Roberts who would have been 65 today . Malcolm Roberts3 / 31 / 44 - 2 / 7 / 03And , then I decided I couldn 't let the day go by without honoring Michael 's birthday . He is not in Everybody I Shot Is Dead but the amount I hear from him these days I sometimes have to wonder if he packed it in so he could be in the sequel . After all , he is a rock star . If for no other reason than having appeared on my blog before . He was also the first person to make a comment on my blog , although I 'm pretty sure he hasn 't visited since . That makes 427 posts that you need to catch up on , M . G . He is also a rock star because he 's an amazing musician and he writes great songs . But he 's mostly considered a rock star because I took pictures of him onstage at the Universal Amphitheater back in 1977 . Oh , did I forget to mention he 's rock star hot ? And who is that back - up guy ? The tour was in support an album he did with ex - bEagle , Bernie Leadon . Their band was called The Leadon / Georgiades Band and the album is Natural Progressions and it still holds up . . . so check it out . I went looking for Michael on youtube and only found two . At first , I thought I 'd put up the one called As Time Goes On , since it is a song from the Natural Progressions album . But then I figured it might piss him off because even though it 's a song he and Bernie did together , the visual is a " This Is Your Life " compilation of Bernie , without a single frame of Michael . So , it 's just best if I don 't post it in case he sees it and never speaks to me again ( which would not be so far from how it is these days ) . . . So , in an effort to keep our deep friendship , I 'm going with this other track off the album . Although Bernie has the lead vocal , at least the visual is the album cover with Michael included so it appears as if he had something to do with the project . . . Happy Birthday , MG . . . with lots of love . . . . in so many ways . But I 'm especially lacking in a post idea to keep up with my post - a - post - everyday New Year 's resolution . Which , by the way , I have managed to do and have to say that most of those 88 posts have been pretty substantial . Fuck . Can you believe we have already eaten 88 days this year ? Somebody really needs to put a stop to this . Who 's got the nukes ? Anyway , I 'm sorely lacking blog inspiration today because I was up at 6 am and on my way to LAX by 6 : 30 am . Did I ever mention I 'm not a morning person ? Then I came home and an hour later I was at the very busy Beehive trying to knock out 5 acts of our first episode for the potential reality show ( as in we 're hoping it will sell so you all can actually see it ) . Knocking out 5 acts is an enormous feat on any day but when you 're asleep at the wheel , it 's like climbing a mountain barefoot . Anyone besides me notice all my brilliant rock ' n ' roll references in that sentence ? Maybe I should stop right here and go back to working on the show . Back to the reality show , being a full disclosure kind of girl , I have to admit that I only managed the cold open and two thirds of the first act . Sad . Sad . Sad . I should be throttled . Again , being sorely lacking in post ideas , I first asked Tyler . He said I should post something for Eric Clapton 's birthday . And say that he 's the only 3 - time Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee . All that suggestion did was remind me that I have yet had the opportunity to focus my lens on Mr . Clapton . If you 're reading this Eric , Happy Birthday and please call me . Soon . Then I tweeted my conundrum to my Twitter followers . All 27 of them . How sad is that ? Only 27 followers when Demi Moore has 345 , 363 . What the fuck does Demi Moore have that I don 't have ? Besides Ashton Kutcher ? Okay , I may have only 27 but my 27 are quality . And you know the saying , so I don 't have to type it . Much to my surprise , within minutes . . . seconds even , I heard back from three of my 27 . That 's over 10 % . Hey writers , try getting that kind of response when you send out a qPosted by I just wrote this whole thing about working on the reality show today and being tired and having to get up at 6am to go to LAX and then I wrote this : Wow . . . this is a really crappy post . It 's not really that I have nothin ' . It 's just that somethin ' feels like it would take too much effort at this particular moment . So , how about I just put up a couple of photos . . . After I scrolled through some pictures on my iPhone to see what I could find . . . and pulled a couple , I decided to erase my long - winded crappy crap post in favor of a little game called - - What Is This Picture ? Times Two . . . Hopefully , I 'll have something better for you tomorrow . . . but you never know . In the meantime , for those who don 't have my book , please check this out and consider placing an order for yourself or as a gift . . . . aka Romantic Blogging . Yes , it that weird Earth Hour thingy that everybody has been posting on Facebook . At first I thought it was pretty cool . . . until I went to the Earth Hour website and found out we only have to turn off the lights . So we can watch TV , make spaghetti on the electric range and blow dry our hair , so long as it 's done by candlelight . And they encourage live blogging . You see , when I first heard about this I thought we were supposed shut off all our electricity . . . do the full rolling blackout thing ( is the term rolling blackouts known anywhere outside of SoCal ? ) But even though I think this whole thing is retarded , I 'm still doing it . The people who live behind me have their lights on . Hang on while I check and see if the rest of the street is Earth Houring . . . . N - O spells no . We 're the only house that is completely dark . This is L . A . people . . . the City of Angels . . . the place where everybody eats friggin ' tofu and organically grown veggies . . . headquaters of famous actors and musicians for kabbalah . . . home of the Scientology Celebrity Center . Shit . Even the catholic high school across the way is completely lit up . What the fuck ? You think the brothers , fathers or whoever they are over there could dig an hour of candlelight . Get with it people ! ! We 're trying to save the planet here . Counting down . . . one minute to the end of the hour . No one can say I didn 't do my part . P . S . Don 't even ask me about the tennis shoe on the table . The title of this post is for you , the reader . Fridays are the same as every other day for me . I don 't have a regular 9 to 5 job . My job is pretty much 24 / 7 because most of my job takes place in my head . It 's a lot of thinking , inventing , creating and then executing . Sometimes the executing is hard because the idea has gelled in my head it 's as if I have already done it , making the execution mundane . My job is also a curse because it 's always there . It is impossible for me to leave my work at the office . Unless I can find a way to remove my brain and eyes without harm or side effects . I was checking some of the referrals I got today and I found something that surprised me . I had no idea that you / I can use Google to translate an entire blog . Check this out . . . I love it ! I 'm thinking I should change the blog title to Todo el mundo me està Muerto a tiros . I 'm just wondering why Dead is the only word capitalized after the first word ? Once I was in the translated version of my blog I could navigate to other pages and it was still in Spanish . It was fun to read what I myself wrote and not have any idea what it says . Even yesterday 's post . . . Although I was able to translate the friend 's friend 's death at the hands of a drunk driver . I like it better in English . Un amigo , amigo de la muerte a manos de un conductor ebrio sounds way too romantic . I opened yesterday 's post because I think I used a swear word and I want to see how google translated it . Okay , does mierda mean shit ? And why is Downer capped ? And now I need to find a post with fuck . I want to see what Google spanish does with that . . . and maybe the rest of George Carlin 's seven words . Sheesh , I have a potty mouth . . . I only had to go back to last Sunday . Wow . They use the same word for fuck that they use for shit . Mierda . In my world there 's a ginormous difference between fuck and shit . Other than the fact that they 're both on George 's list . One of today 's search word referrals was an old favorite of mine . . . " sexy male crotch pictures . " I think those search words used Posted by It was the best of times , it was the worst of times , it was the age of wisdom , it was the age of foolishness , it was the epoch of belief , it was the epoch of incredulity , it was the season of Light , it was the season of Darkness , it was the spring of hope , it was the winter of despair , we had everything before us , we had nothing before us , we were all going direct to heaven , we were all going direct the other way - in short , the period was so far like the present period , that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received , for good or for evil , in the superlative degree of comparison only . Of course that is the opening from The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens , but it could have easily be written to describe the state of my reality at this very moment . . . and possibly the state of yours or someone you know . I 've had " It 's the best of times , it 's the worst of times " rolling round my brain on a daily basis for the whole month of March . And if I 'd remembered the whole quote , the wisdom / foolishness part would be right up there too . I 've never had a month like this before . . . where I literally got the best news ever and worst news ever on the same day , and on one occasion it was within an hour . I 'm not talking about someone calling and saying , " I 've got good news and bad news . which do you want first ? " I 'm talking about getting great news from one person and then later getting crap news from someone else . The result of this has been almost a negation of events . A period of not being . Despite all the great news I 've been unable to jump for joy and do cartwheels around the house ( although I accidentally sort of did a cartwheel last night when I tripped in the middle of Ventura Boulevard while jaywalking ) , and at the same time most of the bad news hasn 't had me in tears writhing on the hardwood floor ( except for news of a friend 's friend 's death at the hands of a drunk driver ) . In times past my experience has generally been a bad day or a good day , a bad week or a good week so I could feel stellar on the goPosted by I 'm reaching out for a little help from my friends . Since I consider every person who stops by my blog a friend , that means you . And you . And you . I need to sell 150 copies ofEverybody I Shot Is Deadin the next 6 days . Here 's the deal . You have to purchase the books directly from my website - don 't worry about security ' cause all the orders go through Paypal and they don 't let me see any of your personal information other than your name and shipping address . All the books will be signed by the author . Oh wait , that 's me . Yeah , I 'll sign the books and even personalize them to whoever you want if you put a note on the order . And as a bonus , since this is A Little Help From My Friends , I will include a special edition 8 . 5x11 signed inkjet print of Ringo for your framing pleasure . For those friends who already own a copy of my book , I hope you 'll consider buying another as a gift for a friend or even your local library ( and you can keep the print ) . If you can 't help directly , I would appreciate it if you could link this post on your blog or facebook it or send it to all your friends and ask them to send it to theirs or twitter it or viral it the old fashioned way - you know , just open your window and shout it out to the masses . Click to check it out : Everybody I Shot Is DeadAnd I thank you very much in advance . Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of the great bluesman , Mighty Joe Young . Mighty Joe Young 9 / 23 / 27 - 3 / 24 / 99Last year I searched and searched for MJY footage ( it 's hard when you have to scour through all the gorilla movie youtube vids ) and found only one thing . And it 's now been taken down . The only thing I could find now was this song with no footage : Anyone out there who has footage on this fine , fine musician , please share it so we can get Mighty Joe Young the props he deserves and a new generation of fans . You can see more pictures and learn about Mighty Joe Young and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . Here 's the this and that of what I can remember from this past week , or maybe just today . . . 1 . For some reason I feel really tired . Maybe I actually worked hard . Or didn 't get enough sleep . Or both . 2 . As a former competitive skier , I was very disturbed by the death of Natasha Richardson . So sad . So tragic . So unreal . When I was 12 there was a really sweet blonde girl on our ski team named Laura . She was standing at the bottom of a slope ( not a bunny one , mind you ) waiting for everyone to congregate . She didn 't realize that some teenage show - off boys had created a make - shift ski jump of packed snow a few yards up the slope . Some jackass kid came flying down the hill , went over the jump and clipped Laura in the side of her head with his ski tip . It was the first funeral I ever attended . Her casket was white . It was petite . Just like her . I will never forget . 3 . I 've been considering other services my company can offer . Been thinking about focusing a section of my website on services I do and want to provide . It 's taking me forever to assemble the materials / content . . . I wish I had someone that could help . I 'm taking a special interest in the photography portion , offering services in all areas - film production stills , music , parties ( only cool one ) etc - and had to quickly throw up ( not vomit ) some of my production stills for a potential client . I could only find some from one movie I did . . . I think the ones I shot on another movie are stuck on a hard drive I can 't mount . Anyway here are a few of my faves from the 20 - some I put up . Seymour CasselSeymour and Shawn AndrewsDesi LydicThese photos are from Big Heart City and you can see more of them here ( click " production stills " ) . And to E . C Henry , that 's where you can also check out my key art / movie poster design work . 4 . I 'm beginning to get the hang of Twitter , although there 's this really weird feeling surrounding the actual doing of it . Can 't really describe it . . . maybe it 's the idea of putting myself out there and not knowing who 's watching or reading . Wait a sec , that ' Posted by I have done a ton of key art designs aka movie posters . Call it my bread and butter over the past umpteen years . I 've posted a few random things here and there but this one is different . Yesterday for some reason I got to thinking about a poster I did a really long time ago . Maybe it was because I was looking something else up on IMDB when I got irked at the fact that this certain design is no longer used on the movie 's packaging . Why should that bother me ? For many reasons . Which I shall get off my chest via a list : 1 . It 's one of my best . 2 . I worked my ass off to convince the Cannon owner / execs to use my original design and not fuck it up with clutter images ( they liked to have helicopters on every poster ) . 3 . It was put up on billboards around LA and also backlit bus shelters several weeks before the movie was released . 4 . Several of the bus shelters were broken into and the posters were stolen . 5 . The head of Warner Brothers ( Terry Semel at the time , I think ) and other studio heads called my bosses and complimented them on the great artwork ( first and last time that ever happened ) . 6 . The movie was # 1 at the box office it 's opening weekend , but it tanked the second weekend once the word of mouth got out . 7 . I won an award for it . I believe those items in part and as a whole mean that the art was great and therefore should be used on everything thereafter . But instead , somebody over at MGM ( they now control the title ) decided to use a version of the key art that was done before my version . A version that I think looks classless and skanky . First , here is my poster : Sexy and classy , right ? I must admit , it would have been nothing without the wonderful photography by the amazing Randee St . Nicholas and the beautiful actors Angela Alvarado and Robby Rosa , who by the way got married a couple of years after this was done , made a couple of kids and are still married to this day ( not that I had anything to do with that ) . And here is the key art they are using on the DVD : < Skanky and classless . Same movie , same actors , different Posted by Twelve years ago today the great Ronnie Barron passed away . " Ronnie who ? " you say ? I first met and photographed him when he was playing keyboards on tour with Paul Butterfield 's Better Days . I also knew him after I moved to L . A . when he was playing with John Mayall and I was working with John on my first book , starart . During Ronnie 's early days in New Orleans he created a character know as Reverend Ether . Later Ronnie bestowed the character on Mac Rebennack - Who 's Mac Rebennack , you ask ? - who used it to create his own onstage persona known as Dr . John The Night Tripper . And you say , " Oh , that Mac Rebennack . " And if you 're under the age of zero or just completely musically uninformed you can search Dr . John on You Tube . . . of course , after you finish reading this post and watching the rare vid of Ronnie . Ronnie Barron10 / 9 / 43 - 3 / 20 / 97Here 's a rare video of Ronnie . . . the only moving audio / visual representation I 've found on him . . . And for all you movie fans , you know Ronnie Barron as the CIA Bartender in Above The Law . You can see lots more pictures and learn more about Ronnie Barron and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . I took the dogs to the puppy park today and the only pair of socks I had to wear were a black pair of anklets that kept sliding off my heels into my tennies . I hate it when that happens . I bought a few nice pairs of socks a few months ago , but they were the thick kind . . . to keep my piggies warm . Then the Pumpkin puppy and Drama dog went into my padlocked drawers and dragged one sock of almost every pair I had to the backyard to play tug - o - war ( except , of course , the nasty black anklets ) . . . and now they all have holes and / or are torn apart . Sock ThiefSock Thieves Playing Tug - o - WarSee ? I need socks . The cotton kind . The ones that stay on over my heels . Ones without holes . New ones . The kind you get when you go to a store . Except I can 't go to the store . Which means I can 't buy new socks . Because thanks to the economic meltdown , I 'm on a spending freeze until further notice . No bailout for me , right Mr . President ? But how about a pair of cotton socks ? The address is 12930 Ventura Blvd , # 674 , Studio City , CA 91604 . Thank you . Ever since I began screenwriting . It 's the one unbreakable rule . The adage . Writing is rewriting . For me it 's a curse . Not because I don 't like to do it . Nope . Quite the opposite . I love the rewrite . It 's where you get to fix things . You get to up everything to the next level . And then the next level . And the next . I love it . Except sometimes it pisses me off because I just don 't understand why I didn 't figure out the best words the first time around . Anyway , that 's not what my bitch on rewriting is today . My bitch today is about the curse . No , no , not that curse . . . although I could bitch about that for as long as I 've had it . Today , it 's the curse of rewriting that 's got me going . Since I wrote my first screenplay several years ago - a script that I overwrote , then rewrote , then got optioned , then rewrote several more times for the producer and director , then got it back , then hated it and rewrote it a bunch more times - yeah , since all that happened I can 't stop rewriting . The reason I 'm telling you this now is that yesterday I got an email from someone and the subject line was " Great News ! ! " And , indeed , it was great news . Even better than great . So , I dashed off a quick reply that simply said , " That is ecstatic inducing news ! ! " No biggie , right ? Except when I was in the shower later on I wanted to rewrite the email . I wanted it to be , " That 's not great news . . . that 's ecstatic inducing news ! ! " As if that would have made a huge difference . And then it dawned on me . I want to rewrite everything . All the time . I swear if I reread this post tomorrow , or even five minutes after I post it , I will want to rewrite it . Heaven forbid I read any of my earlier posts . . . they 'd all have to be rewritten . I can 't read my book because I would want to rewrite it . And now I want to rewrite emails that I 've already sent . I don 't limit this rewriting obsession to the written word . No . I 'd love to rewrite almost every conversation I 've ever had . Does that happen to you ? Have you ever had an important conversation with someone , and even thougPosted by Today is Hollywood Fats 's 54th birthday . Hollywood Fats3 / 17 / 54 - 12 / 8 / 86Most of you have probably never heard of Hollywood Fats . He was an amazing blues guitarist but cut his life and career short , leaving us with far too little music . There are also a few records floating around , including a compilation put out on Delta Groove ( check out the audio clips ) . Here is the lone video I found on youtube that didn 't have embedding disabled . . . Happy Birthday , Fats ! You can see lots more pictures and learn more about Hollywood Fats and the 47 other musicians in my tribute book , Everybody I Shot Is Dead . Most of the traffic that finds its way to my little cul de sac on the world wide web each day is - - crap , I forgot the buzz word - - is , is , is . . . what do they call traffic that 's new ? And of that whatever - it 's - called traffic , most comes through google image searches . The most popular picture that brings people to this blog has nothing to do with my book , but it just happens to be one of my favorite pictures that shows up eventually if you search headshave . . . I 'd say the most - searched musician from Everybody I Shot Is Dead . is Terry Kath . Then there are the waves , where there 's no search on a particular musician for a while and then suddenly there 's a barrage . I 'd understand it if it corresponded to the musician 's birth or death day but it doesn 't . Today 's interest fell on Tim Buckley . But my favorite searches are the one 's that are looking for something that has nothing to do with me or my book . Let me see if I can find a few examples from the past few days . . . 1 . Pictures of Dead Babies or Baby Delivery Pictures - By far the most popular . I can 't for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to see a picture of a dead baby . I 'm sure they 're surprised when they end up on THIS PAGE . Ha ha . . . bet they weren 't expecting that . 2 . Kitchen Mites - This is a close second . And I 'm happy to report that my blog performs a service by providing extremely valuable information to those in need . This search will land you HERE . 3 . Brain Surgery - It 's obvious why I get this one since I have reported on Jaimie 's brain surgery ad nauseum , and it comes in all kinds of forms . Here 's some recent ones : if you want to be a brain surgeon do you have to work on dead people - doctor headshave - sleepy after brain surgery - what are my risks of a 5 and a half hour surgery . I sincerely hope that each and every one of these searches found something helpful . My favorite keyword search from today was shoot every body on the suitelife . In case you don 't watch Saturday morning TV , the Suite Life is a kid 's show about twin boys who live in a hotel . YPosted by If I ever had a God complex it 's gone as of today , because I didn 't get one second of rest on this seventh day . It started with my monthly writers group from 10 - 12 : 30 , then I wrote on the reality show with my cohort from 12 : 40 - 6 : 20 at Starbucks - straight through with no munchies . . . just two cups of decaf . Got home at 6 : 30 and scarfed down some food ( you have no idea how ravenous and hypoglycemic I was at that point ) . Did a little organizational work , then was on the phone with my producing partner from 8 - 10 : 45 working on the budget for the movie . I hung up with him and pulled these pictures and converted them to a manageable post size in order to complete the second half of yesterday 's rant . This time it 's photographs I took that focus on things rather than people so it 's more about lines , spaces , movement and , of course , composition . I guess you could say it 's how I see the world around me . Again , these are all taken with my iPhone camera and are not cropped or retouched . Apple NYCI like pretty much everything about this photo , but I ' mespecially drawn to the shadowy figures in the bottom half . Tube ManI like the perspective in this shot and the movement that definesthe speed to the train compared to the lack of speed of the man walking . Palm SpringsI love the fact that when people see this on my phone they are baffled . Maybe it 's easier to figure out on here . NYCI like the red lights and the vertical red streaksin combination with the horizontal streaks of white light . FlagsI like the contradiction of the precise and staticrow of lights below the free waving flags . Mind The GapBest phrase ever . WI love the angle from above , the elegance of the lights andthe perfection of the place coupled with the imperfection that is people , especially the blurred guy going up the stairs . I also love the face that all the green patches are real growing grass . This is a bonus photo that I took on my way home from Starbucks tonight . I took it very quickly through the car window so it 's not a great example of anything except maybe subpar photoPosted by Just like movies , books , music , paintings , sculpture and any other art form you care to name , photography is subjective . And like the other arts , I believe anyone can learn the technical side of the craft but I don 't believe talent can be taught . In photography I think talent represents a person 's eye . Not only how one frames the picture , but how one sees things . How they interpret the world around them . And how well and often they can catch that special moment in time . Let me tell you , it ain 't easy . Sometimes it 's like getting the planets to align . Now that we 're in the digital , everyone thinks themselves a photographer . Okay , maybe not every everyone . It 's the same as when Photoshop came out . Suddenly , everyone considered themselves a designer . That movement pretty much killed my ability to make a real living ( as in making enough to live " well " ) because the young upstarts with a Mac and Photoshop moved into the independent film world and lowered the financial bar . Unfortunately , the clients didn 't realize that just because they had tool didn 't mean they could design . Just because you can hold a pencil doesn 't mean you can draw . So , just because you have an awesome expensive camera ( the tool ) , it doesn 't mean you can take great or even good pictures . And I think if you have a good / great eye , you can take a good / great photograph with the shittiest of cameras . And I don 't think it 's possible to teach someone how to have a good / great eye . Someone who doesn 't have a good / great eye can occasionally shoot a great picture but for the most part I believe you either have it or you don 't . Here are some photos I took that fall under the people category ( tomorrow I 'll post some non - people shots ) that I think represent use of my good eye . None of them have been cropped or retouched or adjusted in any way . They all come straight from the camera . Oh , and the camera is my iPhone . Let 's see if I can give them some spiffy titles and what I like about them . Innocence and WondermentI love the look in the boy 's eye and the relationshipChesher Cat Okay , I gotta remember what I did this week . But it 's a little hard because I had a small glass of red wine that gave me a very big buzz . I am such a lightweight . I didn 't get enough sleep this week . I like the nights where I close my eyes and they don 't open again until I 've had my eight hours . Didn 't get even close to one of those this week . Maybe tonight . Or tomorrow night . Even without good sleep , I managed to create a couple of comps for a movie poster . Turned them in yesterday and have not heard back . Wondering if they hated them . I did a lot of communicating this week . Answered emails that were three months old . My bad . Still have some that are even older than that . I think it 's a mood thing for me when I am writing a specific person . Gotta be in the right frame of mind . Made some progress on my movie . Unfortunately , nothing I can talk about . . . yet . Now that I think about it , this week was crazy . Crazy ' cause I actually did some furniture rearranging and a mad cleaning of my house . Partly because it really needed it - - my living room was too junked up ; my house ( especially with two dogs ) gets way too dirty , as in layers of dirt on everything from the floor up - - and partly because I had another pitch meeting at my house for the reality show I can 't tell you about . This time there were eleven people including me . Figured I had to make a good impression . It went very well , thank you very much . Now I 'm going to watch Them ! Not the band . . . these guys . . . If you haven 't seen you 're really missing out . P . S . If there are horrible grammatical errors and an overabundance of typos in this post it 's the wine writing , not me . Sometimes we forget the importance of intuition . Today I was reminded of it in a strangely cosmic way . I was entering some receipts I dumped on my desk from my recent trip . When I got to the bottom of them there was a faded pink post - it with a dog - eared corner sticking out from under my laptop . I picked it up and stared at the barely visible handwriting ( actually handprinting ) on the front . On one line was " thinkexist " and a ways below it was " . com " . Curious as I am , I decided to check it out . I typed in the url www . thinkexist . com and it went to a website with the subtitle " Finding Quotations was never this Easy ! " The weird part is that it opened to this page : What 's weird about that ? Well , it 's the sites basic url but the page has three quotes from people born on November 15th . Why would it open to a November 15th page in the middle of March ? When I clicked the November 15th link at the bottom of the page it went to a different November 15th page that had dozens of pages with quotes from people born on November 15th , not just the three on the opening page . After some more poking around , I came to the realization that I was on someone 's registered user page . But whose ? I checked with Jaimie since she 's the likely candidate but it wasn 't hers . She thought she 'd heard of the site but was not a registered user . And she 's only been on my computer a couple of times to check her email . Si , this whole thing is a complete mystery to me . I don 't know anyone else who 's been on my computer and , unless I 'm completely nuts , I 've never been to this site . I will have to assume that for some cosmic reason someone wanted me to read these three saved quotes . I 'm still trying to figure out what the first two should mean to me , but the third one is crystal clear and something that I should always keep at the forefront of my conscious brain . Here are all three quotes if you 're too lazy to open the photograph . . . 1 . Felix Frankfurter was born on November 15 , 1882American jurist , 1882 - 1965Wisdom too often never comes , and so one ought not to Posted by I 'm multitasking . Editing photos for a movie poster I need to get done , making dinner and scanning some randomly - picked - out - of - the - pile negatives so I can create a post for today . I hate multitasking . I also hate whoever came up with the idea that the ability multitask is an asset . It 's not . It 's a liability . Because if you 're multitasking you 're doing a whole bunch of things at once and doing none of them well . Focus , people . Focus . Start something , finish it and move on to the next thing . Enough of my bitching . I 've got the Steve Miller in the scanner . In his prime . Here 's a couple I pulled . . . Some people call me the space cowboySome call me the gangster of loveSome people call me MauriceCause I speak of the pompatus of love . People talk about me , babySay I 'm doin ' you wrong , doin ' you wrongWell , don 't you worry babyDon 't worry Cause I 'm right here , right here , right here , right here at home ( Written by Steve Miller , Eddie Curtis , Ahmet Ertegün ) FYI , this post took me over two hours to create . Proving my point that multitasking is not an asset . Take it off your resume . The dinner turned out good , though .
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IMAG0120 Originally uploaded by jbellis It 's Sunday , so I stopped at the airport chapel to read a chapter of the Book of Mormon . It was a bit out of the way and quiet , which it has in common with most airport chapels . What was unusual was that there was a sign on the door listing service times for different denominations . IMAG0121 Originally uploaded by jbellis Audi had a party at the Munich airport tonight with a live band . I moved outside to where I could watch . It 's a big platform - - i 've captured half of one side here . The entrance is on the other side of the square ; I reasoned from the " Next Big Thing " posters that this was a launch publicity thing , so I went in with my laptop and duffel bags to get a better view of the band . A man and woman at the front desk called me back in German . " What 's up ? " I asked in English . " Your name ? " " Oh , is this a private party ? " " Yes . Invitation only . " " Sorry . " So I had to watch from the back of the stage after all . My flight out of San Antonio was so late that I almost missed my connection in Chicago . I would have , except in an amazing coincidence our arrival gate was changed to the one next door to my Munich flight . United had already changed my itinerary to route me through DC , but it turned out to not be necessary . Fortunately , I missed my flight home , restoring cosmic balance . The conference sent me two hotel reservations . One was correct . Unfortunately my first stop was the one that was not . The nice German lady at the front desk was starting to get anxious , but once I got online I found the other reservation . . . . Yes , the first one had _ free internet _ , probably the only hotel in Italy . Not that I 'm bitter . Dude running the conference : " Why are you walking so fast ? " Me : " Because my talk was supposed to start ten minutes ago . " DRTC : " This is Italy . Relax . " Talk went okay , modulo the heckler who had too much to drink during lunch . That 's a new one for me . Especially since the heckler was the speaker who preceeded me . I thought maybe he just overdid celebrating that his talk was finished , but he was drunk during the speaker panel the following day , too . Then after the conference I saw him at the first cafe outside the university with a beer in front of him . So I revised my hypothesis : he 's probably just alcoholic . Our lunch table was roughly divided into English ( two Americans , a Brit , and a Hungarian ) and Italian halves . Three of the Italians got into a spirited debate , arms waving everywhere . When they started raising their voices the English side paused , then smiled . Me : " Nobody argues like Italians . " One of the Italians heard , and also smiled . Then he raised one finger : " Greeks . " One of the speakers had his name on his slides as " Prof . Dr . Martin . . . " I thought it was because he figured just " Dr . " might leave us ignorant of how special he is , but it turns out this is normal in Germany . Maybe I was overcompensating for being one of the few people in the room who neither had a Ph . D . nor intended to get one . The weather was great the day before the conference , and the day after . Cold and rainy for the two days I was there . Oh well ; I had work to do anyway . ( How did I miss my flight ? I cut my train connection in Munich East too close , and had to wait half an hour for the next one . That was half an hour too long . . . ) IMAG0100 Originally uploaded by jbellis I had two Italian pizzas in Brixen . This is the second . I didn 't realize when I ordered it with basil and arugula that it would come as a bunch of leaves dumped on top . ( At least the bacon was about what I expected . ) The most awesome part about this is how the basement is labeled . I think that is unusual even in Europe , but it 's awesome . This is exactly how as CS major would number floors . Airman First Class Sinden received his wings on Thursday . Dad flew into town to pin them on at the graduation ceremony . Chris 's ceremony was especially memorable in that they were honored to have medal of honor recipient Lt . Col . Joe M . Jackson speak at his graduation . He is one of 5 living Air Force recipients and it is exceptionally rare for them to attend ceremonies or graduations . When the Vietnam War began , Jackson found himself piloting a C - 123 Provider on 298 combat sorties in his third war . In May 1968 , the special forces camp at Kham Duc , South Vietnam was tucked away in the central highlands , 16 kilometers from the Laotian border . After the fall of Camp Lang Vei during the Tet offensive in February , Kham Duc was the only observation camp remaining in I Corps , the northernmost military district in South Vietnam . When Kham Duc came under heavy mortar attack on May 10 , Army Gen . William Westmorland ordered it evacuated . On May 12 , Mother 's Day , a heavy fog hung over the camp , obscuring enemy movements in the surrounding hills . An Army CH - 47 helicopter and two Air Force C - 130s tried to land and takeoff with personnel , but were disabled by enemy fire . One C - 130 burst into flames at the end of the runway , killing the crew and more than 150 Vietnamese civilians . Finally , a C - 130 was able to land and takeoff with some passengers . At 3 p . m . that afternoon , a C - 123 took off from Da Nang , bound for Kham Duc . Jackson was at the controls , along with Maj . Jesse Campbell , Tech . Sgt . Edward Trejo and Staff Sgt . Manson Grubbs , his crew . As he circled at 9 , 000 feet in a holding pattern , the scene below was one of increasing devastation as the Viet Cong moved closer to the camp 's 4 , 000 - foot airstrip . Hostile forces had overrun the forward outpost and established gun positions on the airstrip . They were raking the camp with small arms , mortars , light and heavy automatic weapons and recoilless rifle fire . The camp was engulfed in flames and ammunition dumps were exploding and littering the runway with debris . In addition , eight aircraft had been destroyed by the intense fire and one remained on the runway , reducing its usable length to only about 2 , 200 feet . To further complicate the landing , the weather was deteriorating rapidly . As the last C - 130 was about to takeoff with the last of the men on the ground aboard , the airborne commander ordered jet fighters circling overhead to descend and destroy the camp . It looked as if Jackson 's aircraft wasn 't going to be needed in the rescue attempt . But then the radio crackled , informing them that the three - man combat control team , in charge of directing the evacuation , was still on the ground . As they searched the camp for anyone who had been left behind , the realized they were the only ones left . One C - 123 attempted to land , but enemy fire intensified and the C - 123 was forced to accelerate for take off without finding the men . Jackson and his crew began their dive from 9 , 000 feet at a rate of almost 4 , 000 feet per minute . Jackson realized that if he reversed his propellers to stop the aircraft , he would shut off the two auxiliary engines he needed for a quick escape . Instead , he jammed on the brakes and skidded halfway down the runway . As it turned to be able to take off the way it came in , the three men jumped from a culvert next to the runway and leaped into the open cargo door in the rear . At that moment , from the edge of the runway came a 122 mm rocket , fired from just outside the perimeter . The men watched as the shell skidded along the asphalt , broke in half and stopped only 10 meters from the plane . It did not explode . Jackson taxied around the shell and applied full power , taking off under heavy fire from the hills on either side . The plane had been on the ground at Kham Duc for less than a minute . http : / / www . af . mil / information / heritage / person . asp ? dec = & pid = 123006517 After he picked up the command team and they were safely above enemy fire , one of the rescued men tapped him on the shoulder and said , " Jackson , when we get back to base I 'd just like to see you stand up . " Puzzled he asked why . " Because you must have balls this big ! " [ Indicating cantaloupe size ] . I did a little research on the man and it turns out he is remarkable not only for his bravery , but for his service in the community and his humility . MSNBC did a story on him earlier this year and they found that he 'd been serving in a food kitchen in Kent Washington for 18 years . Most of the people he 'd helped and served never knew that he was a war hero . We enjoyed having Uncle Chris over for his last weekend in Texas . This coming Friday he should have his orders and be on his way for water survival training in Florida . On Saturday we went to Sea World with him . It was a blast ! Sorry , no pics . The rest of Labor Day weekend we goofed off and relaxed . We will miss seeing Uncle Chris on the weekends . Grandpa Don gave Matthew a flight suit and Uncle Chris gave him a hat and dog tags with his name on them . Matthew thinks anything Uncle Chris does is way cool . He 's decided that he wants to be a pilot in the Air Force when he grows up . ( And a scientist and an artist too ! ) Before we left home , Jonathan took the pile of towels and swimming wear to the car . Unfortunately my suit got dropped along the way . So instead of swimming , I was the designated photographer . ( I 've since forgiven him . btw . ) Two weeks ago we took Uncle Chris to Natural Bridge Caverns near our house . We 've been before , but they are worth a second trip . Most of the photos are courtesy of Chris . The caves are " living " so they are very wet with dripping calcium carbonate ever so slowly making the formations . The temperature is in the mid 70s with 100 % humidity . Like most of the caves in this part of Texas , they were discovered fairly recently - in the 1960s by a group of students from St . Mary 's . The kids went back to school on Monday August 23 . The Saturday prior , Melissa and I went shopping for clothes and took advantage of the " sales tax holiday " Texas has the weekend before school starts . Matthew was invited to come too , but he declined a shopping excursion in favor of playing with friends . Boys . Melissa was very happy to have another " girl " cousin . She couldn 't wait to hold the baby . " Aww ! This baby is cute . I like this baby ! " So do we all . Matthew went on bike rides with Uncle David , Grandpa , and his Daddy . He was in boy heaven . Aunt Christine also took him canoeing for the very first time too . He can 't wait to go again sometime . Aunt Lisa and the cousins joined us for a trip to a sandy lake . The kids built sand castles , wadded in the shallow water , and of course splashed each other . Matthew had a grand time splashing Aunt Lisa . Melissa loved playing with Hazel . Isaac made multiple attempts to drown himself by wading out as far as he could up to his neck . The child has no fear or caution . Good thing there were two big people to keep the troops safe . We also played in the sprinklers , ate too many popsicles , ran through the parks and just relished every last bit of summer . As Jonathan mentioned , Saturday evening we went out on a date courtesy of Uncle David and Aunt Dielha . Our kids have such wonderful aunts and uncles . By Saturday Isaac started to perk up a bit . Mom , however , was in quite a bit of pain . " I wonder if it is appendicitis ? " she mused . Do you want to see a doctor ? " Oh no . I 'll just wait a see . I doubt it is appendicitis . " Saturday evening Jonathan and Dad both flew into town . We were all very happy to see them . Sunday Mom started to feel just a bit better but stayed home from church . Monday morning , the kids and I played with Aunt Lisa , Hazel , and baby Jed in the park . While we were gone , Mom began to feel much worse and finally decided to see a doc in a box . A few hours later we heard she was in the emergency room . The fates weren 't done with us , and Dad and Christine got sick next . Dad dealt with an abscessed tooth and Christine hunkered down to battle a bad sinus infection . We kept wondering what would be next . Fortunately nothing as dramatic as appendicitis popped up again . The flight out was perhaps the WORST TRIP EVER for Isaac . He 'd had a head cold , but appeared to be getting over it . That morning he was his usual , busy , into everything self . Orbitz messaged that there was an hour delay in takeoff , so we stopped by McDonald 's on the way to the airport to get out the wiggles . After getting through security , the status of our flight changed from " delayed " to " who knows ? " Bad sign . Two hours later we took off . Isaac was very irritable . Nothing would appease him , not even M & Ms which he absolutely adores and which we save for special occasions . He wouldn 't drink much , refused to eat , and didn 't want to nurse . Several hours into the flight I noticed he was running a fever . Poor fellow . He fussed and he squirmed and seemed thoroughly miserable . To top it off I started to feel very green about the gills with 45 minutes still remaining in the flight . I never get airsick , so I wasn 't expecting that . Fortunately Matthew and Melissa are veteran travelers . They entertained themselves by watching movies , coloring , reading , playing games , and raiding their snacks . Thank goodness they are such easy travelers . We landed and staggered off of the flight to collect our baggage around 10 : 30 PM . While waiting on the curb for Grandma and Aunt Christine , my stomach mutinied . There was nowhere else but an ash tray . Just lovely . Sorry fellow travelers . I felt much better afterward , but Isaac still didn 't look very well . On the way home Aunt Christine stopped to pick up popsicles for him to perhaps tempt some fluids down . All three kids had popsicles and then it was bedtime . Around 3 AM Isaac woke up with bad congestion , a fever , wheezing and coughing . He still wouldn 't drink anything or nurse and I was getting very concerned . He did take some motrin and part of another popsicle . Mom stayed up with us both for a few hours . ( My mom - in - law is great ! ) We both concluded that he ought to see a doctor first thing in the morning . About 6 AM he went back to sleep . The next morning Isaac was pretty lethargic and just looked sick . Aunt Lisa called her doctor and he agreed to see Isaac right away . Bless that man ! Turns out Isaac had an ear infection and bronchiolitis . No wonder he was so miserable ! The doc put him on antibiotics and albuterol to help with the breathing . Poor little tyke . The family joined me for my trip to NYC . We spent the week at my parents in Westfield . The kids had a good time , and I borrowed my sister 's old work desk , complete with 3 . 5 " floppy disks . The night before I arrived , Rachel called me . ( I traveled to NJ via DC and MN , in that order . ) Mom developed a persistent , tender pain in her right side . Rachel told her she probably had appendicitis , and she should go to the hospital . She didn 't . I told her she probably had appendicitis , and she should go to the hospital . Like she would listen to me . That was a Friday ; on Monday she finally saw a doctor , who told her she probably had appendicitis , and she should go to the hospital . This time she did . They confirmed it was appendicitis , operated , and she made a full recovery . Matthew has been raised in a world of laptops and all - in - one machines . I tried to explain the concept of a " monitor " to him but I 'm not sure if it made sense . My poor son . An older gentleman was attempting to replace the empty paper towel roll in the womens ' bathroom at church . After 10 minutes , Rachel stepped in : " What if we try it like this ? " and clicked it together . " I hope I didn 't embarrass him . " Melissa 's going to start school a week from tomorrow . Rachel panicked when she realized that she had the options of getting up or letting me do her hair . " Jonathan , I 'm going to teach you how to do a pony tail . That is the only hairdo you have to learn . " [ So far , she has gone with the " getting up " option . ] Matthew wanted me to install Chrome on Rachel 's computer because Safari didn 't work . I didn 't believe him , so he showed me : he was typing searches into the url bar . Guess Google was on to something there . Melissa likes to toy with her computer opponent in Galcon . Which highlights a weakness in the implementation : a mere few thousand ships onscreen brings the engine to its knees . Back in my day we handled that kind of load on a 16MHz 386 . . . Me : " There 's no bidet in my bathroom . I thought that was mandatory in Europe . " Gary : " There 's probably a water fountain in the lobby . " The help was ( first generation ) American , but the food was good . And in the back Isaac found a place where the rain from the day before had pooled : two year old boy heaven . Entertaininh Isaac Isaac 's lightsaber Originally uploaded by jbellis Isaac saw Matthew clip a lightsaber to his pants . Nothing else would do but have Daddy clip his likewise . He was immensely pleased , but not permanently satisfied - - he kept unclipping it to wave it around , then bringing it back to me for the clip treatment .
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In June 2015 , I began my journey and effort to seek approval for a breast reduction . The final straw was my getting a fungal ( ring worm ) infection which started under my breast . I 've had it for over three months . I have always had upper neck pain , shoulder pain , indentation from bra straps , headaches , breast pain on the side ( without bra ) . I 've dealt with these issues for over 10 years . Just learned to deal with them . I guys my primary reasoning for that was the fact that I 've been flat out afraid to have the procedure . I 've definitely avoided the thought of considering BR during my child - bearing years because I was so afraid of losing the ability to breast feed . Also , there was the fear of losing my nipple sensation . I 'm now at the point where , I 'm willing to put all of my concerns aside all in the effort of seeking relief of this pain and discomfort . My gynecologist referred me to a wonderful PS who I was very happy with . The PS was stated that he has no doubt that I would fit all of the criteria for reduction and agreed that I was a perfect candidate . He discribed my breast as being overly Hyperthrophic , and even went as far as saying that the distance of my nipple from the collar bone was one of the greatest that he has seen , which poses a greater challenge of reduction without the lost of the nipple or nipple sensation . I am so disappointed in the denial from my insurance company , especially since I have still yet to get rid of this rash , which is the worst that I 've ever had , and has now spread all over my body ! It 's out of control , and I feel like I 'm now losing control of my hope , joy , and emotions . I have every intention on appealing the decision , but would love some insight about how I can " properly " submit an appeal . My insurance is through Anthem BC - California - HMO I received a phone call on 9 / 11 / 2015 from Anthem BC to inform me that they have elected to overturn the decision that my medical group made on August 6th , 2015 . I am utterly shocked ! ! ! I assumed that this would be a slow uphill battle that would take months to resolve , and I had prepared to fight this thing out at least through the beginning of next year . I 'm not certain if someone at Anthem saw my pics , which I included in my appeal and felt sorry for me , lol ! ! Or , if my appeal letter , which was very detailed , was deemed irrefutable ! But , needless to say , I will be able to move forward with the procedure ! ! ! I am more than ecstatic , and am looking forward to my pre - op appointment ! I have a bit of nervous energy going because this is now a reality ! ! Spoke with my PS 's office , and was told that they are still working out all of the kinks regarding my procedure , but they have a date of December 2nd , 2015 . I assumed that I would be able to choose my date , and wanted to strategically plan around my holidays off from work . But , I was told that they had to schedule the 2nd , because there will be a second surgeon who will assist . And if I were to wait any longer , my referral will expire . So Decemeber 2nd it is . At least I 'll be able to enjoy Thanksgiving and recover before Christmas , and it will also give me enough time to safely drop at least 15 lbs before my date . I am excited , yet nervous . The anxiety has begun to kick in . My surgery is now about two months out , and I have been doing all of the necessary planning for the surgery and recovery . I 've requested my time off from work , and the guy in HR has made this process a breeze for me . He has even shown me the best way to maximize on my healthcare benefits ! I didn 't realize how great our benefits plan was . I am truly blessed ! ! I am also trying to set up my support team . I have two daughters who are at an age where they 'd be able to help , but I plan on asking on of my friends as well , only because I want to make sure that I have someone who will not be afraid to assist me with drain care . I 'm presently trying to lose some weight before surgery and this will also include a detox . I really want put my body in the best position for optimal healing . I 've been researching on how to heal quickly from surgery . Does anyone know of any foods that has assisted them with healing ? What are the best scar therapies for AA women , and how did most of you guys transition back into a workout regime ? Has anyone else ever had this problem ? I am looking forward to not having these embarrassing moments once my breast are reduced ! All it takes is for me to start sweating , and I start dripping profusely from the breast . At which point , all eyes are on me ! December can 't come any sooner ! I guess the stress and anxiety about my surgery it building at an all time high . I 've started having very detailed dreams about the surgery , which include certain oddities . I dreamed that I was being prepped for surgery , and for some odd reason , a doctor that I use to work for was present in the surgery room . I didn 't see my PS , and started to question why he was present . And then out of no where , there he appeared . He started comforting and reassuring me that all would be well , and then I woke up ! Has this happened to anyone else ? My blood work came back great , and I completed my pre - op appointment on yesterday . The original appointment was set for 11 / 23 / 15 , but due to an " oversight " , while my appointment date and time appeared in chart , my case manager had failed to put it in the doctor 's calendar . Needless to say , I had taken Monday off from work for absolutely nothing , and wasted a day that I could have utilized for recovery . Still very upset with this , but I guess it 's water under the bridge at this point . So , I had my post - op and was able to ask all of the burning questions that I had for my PS . He was very patient with me and thoroughly answered all of my questions . He kept making it a point to reassure me about my anxiety and letting me know that I 'll be in good hands and he will work his hardest at giving me the most optimal result . That did ease my mind a bit . I 've decided that I really like my PS , but just don 't like his staff . For him to be such a good surgeon , his staff are sub - par . They are not at all throrough , and in my opinion way too relaxed about their jobs . My surgery is on Wednesday , December 2nd , and I still don 't know the time or the location of the surgery center . They also failed to let me know that there are extra fees for the physician to complete things such as disability forms , medical certifications , etc . I found out at the appointment that my form which grants approval for my time off could not be completed until I paid $ 25 . I was ill - prepared , and was only expecting to pay my co - pay . His receptionist had the audacity to ask me if I bothered to ask if there would be an additional fee . Smh . . . . Anyhow , this experience is now getting as real as it can get . I 've received my prescriptions for my medications , along with instructions , and have been told what to expect . I am both nervous as well as excited . So , I 've been dating this gentleman since July , and while I have been on this BR journey since May , I elected not to tell him about my procedure because we were just dating and I didn 't feel inclined to . As of Saturday , we 've made things official , but I still haven 't shared with him my intentions for the surgery . To be honest , I 'm a very private person , and have only told a very select few about my procedure , and that was because I simply did not want to let the " negative " energy , comments , or opinions be affect me . I now have such a hard time telling him because I don 't want to answer many questions , and to be honest I 'm a bit embarrassed . And what 's even more disheartening , is the fact that he is a " titty " guy , and is absolutely mesmerized by my breast . He 's never seen them fully disrobed , but boy oh boy does he like touch and feeling the girls . I was trying to find the nerve to tell him last night , but couldn 't because he was nestled and resting on my chest as if it were the softest place on earth . I feel so terrible . Any suggestions on how I could break the news to him ? I 'm feeling like an emotional mess right now , and have been crying for the last hour . Don 't know if I am justified in feeling how I feel , or if I 'm just being way too major . It all started this evening when my boyfriend had me waiting to hear back from him regarding if he was going to spend time with me this evening . I really just wanted the company because I am feeling the anxiety of the upcoming surgery . He expressed that he was tired and wanted to nap for an additional 2 hours . That was at 5 : 00 p . m . , and I didn 't hear back from him until 11 : 30 p . m . Under normal circumstances , I wouldn 't even care , but I guess me texting at 10 : 00 p . m . to ask if he could take me to and from the surgery center and not getting an immediate response kind of put me in a bad place . I am equally upset with the fact that I had to ask him at all since my 20 year old daughter had obligated herself to assisting me , and ask me out of no where , " so mom , do you want me to stay with you this week ? " I was perplexed as she had continued to explain that she told her basketball coach that she would not be available for their trip because of my surgery . She said that the coach told her that she understood , but that she should really consider coming with the team . I don 't know if I 'm more angry with my daughter or the coach . I feel that the coach is in violation , but I feel that my daughter is being totally disloyal and non - supportive ! ! But get this , she doesn 't even get a chance to play in the game because she 's being benched for an injury . And I tried to arrange for one of my friends to assist me months ahead of time only for my daughter to assure me that she was going to be available , the team would just have to understand , she 's not going out of town while her mom is being put to sleep , blah , blah , blah . My only option at this point is to see if my friend can assist me ( so last minute ) or uber to and from the surgical center and have my 16 year old go along to ensure I 'm fine . I have shut down on my boyfriend , as I am now feeling like a burden . I WOKE UP FEELING LIKE A WARRIOR PRINCESS ! ! ! ! My procedure was on yesterday ! I was suppose to be at the surgery center at 9 : 30 a . m . , but received a call requesting that I come at 6 : 30 a . m . because there was a patient who got cancelled for their time slot . I arrive at the surgery center , and was greeted by very friendly staff people . I completed paper work such as consents , and liability . The receptionist confirmed what procedure I would be having . She and I had a very good conversation about BR , as she is considering having one as well . We appeared to be the same size , and she asked me about my symptoms and the process that I went through . I shared all of the information that I had . I was then called back by the nurse . The nurse instructed me to get undressed , took my vitals , and had me use the bathroom for pregnancy testing . She then started my IV . We had small talk amongst us , which made me feel at ease . My PS arrived shortly thereafter . He made his markings , and went over any last minute concerns that I had . He was so reassuring and let me know that he would take good care of me . After the talk with my doctor , in came the anesthesiologist . He explained what he would be doing , and also reassured me that I would be in good hands . I told him that he had to make sure that I woke up , so he was the man of the hour . After I was all prepped , my daughter came back one final time , and I was sent to the restroom on more time to empty my bladder , since my PS didn 't want to give me a catheter . His plan was to have the procedure done in less than three hours . He bought his partner in to assist with the surgery to make that possible . I was then wheeled back to the surgery room where I was placed on the surgical bed . The anesthesiologist explained that he would be giving me something to relax me and at that point , I do not remember any other details . I was awaken by my doctor in recovery and he explained that the surgery went well , and that he was certain that I would love the results . I looked down at my boobs , and recalled saying , " damn ! " I guess I was shocked that he was able to get me so small ! I never realized how small my frame was with all of those titties . I was told by the nurse that as they were bringing my out of sedation , I was trying to fight . I remember laying there perhaps another 15 minutes and then I was told to get dressed . My daughter and nurse help me out with that . I was then placed in a wheelchair and wheeled to the front of the surgery center . At that point , I felt as though I was going to pass out . I was given a drink of water and a cold compress to help with that . I waited another 15 minutes for my guy friend to arrive , and everyone had to assist me with getting into the car . My daughter said that it took a while because they couldn 't get me to bend my legs . Don 't ask me why ! Lol ! ! ! The only thing that I can think of is that I was afraid of falling . Once I arrived home , at around 12 : 00 noon , my daughter made sure I was comfortable and made me some soup . I took my meds , and spent the rest of the day and evening in and out of sleep . I got up a few times to go to the restroom and to ensure that I was walking around . My pain level has been between a 5 and 8 . I 'm taking Norco for pain , and while it doesn 't stop the pain altogether , it still helps . The most uncomfortable part for me is the swelling . My PS did not use drains , so at this point , my breast are swollen and feel engorged . It kind of feels like when you are breast feeding and your breast become engorged for to much production of milk . I 'm taking it easy for sure , and am looking forward to full recovery . My first post - op appointment is tomorrow at 9 a . m . My first post - op is complete ! I took all of maybe 15 minutes . The MA took my blood pressure and temperature . Both were just fine ! ! The doctor came in and removed my bandages , but left the tape in place . He stated that the tape will more or less fall off on its own . He expressed that he was very pleased with my results and admitted that I was one of the best results that he has completed . He tested my nipples for sensation , and I am happy to say that they both work just fine . I then stood in the mirror for my big reveal . I AM AMAZED ! ! ! ! I can not believe that these are my breast ! ! ! The results are better than I could have ever imagined ! ! ! They are quite swollen , and now appears to look like a Full D cup , but I 'm almost certain that once the swelling goes all the way down , I 'll be at most a Full C . I am cleared to shower , and can start wearing sport bras . I have elected to continue with my compression bra , and even paid for an extra one so that I 'm able to have one to wear in between washes . I 'm so swollen right now and I can not seem to get comfortable . My PS did not place drains , and I 'm certain that this explains all of the swelling . Is there any of you guys who have had procedures without drains and have experienced the same thing ? How many days will it take for this to subside ? I 've taking my pain meds , but I would love to be able to start weening myself off of them . Please share if possible ! ! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I retuned to work on Monday , December , 21st , 2015 . I thought I was ready , but I was not ! Lol ! ! It seemed to be the longest day every , and by the time I got home , I had only enough energy to eat a sandwich before going to bed . I was in bed by 8 : 00 p . m . and slept through the night . My swelling was unbearable ! ! I guess it was the result of way too much activity in one day ! I had intended on taking Tylenol before falling asleep , but . . . . . . . I woke up a little less tired than yesterday , and am hoping for a better day . The swelling subsided somewhat , but not all of the way . I can also tell that my breast are beginning to drop and settle as my PS described hat they would do . At times , with this swelling , the look to be a D cup , so I 'm hoping that when all is said and done , I will end up at a full C . I have areas that concern me , but I must admit that I have the tendency to worry and try to self diagnose . Lol ! ! I will be contacting my PS just to ask about my concerns . I am noticing discoloration in the bottom half of my breast . I 've read and read , and it seems that it could be either the result of the swelling subsiding and bruise coming to the surface of the skin , or it could be blood pooling . I am just concerned that it might be necrosis , and I would like to have that ruled out . Overall , I am in love with my results ! ! ! I tend to like the result of my right breast over the left one . It seems to be close to perfect ! ! ! I am amazed ! ! ! I was not at all expecting the results that I do have , and I am so thankful to my PS for his expert work ! ! ! He had truly given me a new lease on life ! ! I am feeling myself ! ! I have tried on all of the clothes that I could not fit because of my breast , and all of those that I have always imagined wearing without a bra . I can not wait to be fully healed , and am especially looking forward to spring and summer ! ? ? ? ? Since being reduced , I have now noticed how big my stomach is ! ! ! Lol ! ! I was unable to see it before the reduction . I 'll have to admit , I am totally out of order for waking around looking like I 'm 5 months pregnant ! Lol ! ! I am motivated to workout and put all of my effort in getting rid of the belly ! Can 't wait to be cleared for all normal activity . I know that I 'll be starting off with just walking and changing my diet . I am hoping , wishing , and praying for a FitBit for Christmas . My sweetheart has hinted around that he will gift it to me ! I hope that everyone is doing well with their preparations and recovery ! ! Happy holidays to you all ! I had a follow up appointment on yesterday . My PS says that I am healing wonderful , and I must say that I agree . The swelling is going down more and more , the bruising is diminishing , and there is less pain . My nipples are still really sensitive , but I am getting use to it . I expressed a concern that I was having with my right breast and how there is discoloration that I was worried would be necrotic tissue . It turns out that this discoloration is something that will never change . I was told by my PS that it 's part of my old areola ! ! ? ? ? ? I felt so silly hearing this because I had been so worried , and had my daughters constantly taking pictures and keeping an eye out for this area ! ! ! Lol ! ! ! My next appointment is in one month , and my PS says that I should continue to see my breast drop and round out at the bottom . I am so amazed at my results and the entire process of this procedure . I am looking forward to my continued healing , and can 't wait until I am fully healed ! I woke up this morning and it dawned on me hat today makes 1 month since my surgery date . I can 't believe how the time has flown by , and I am equally amazed at my breast . I 've been looking back at my before pics , and I can 't even imagine those breast to once have belonged to me ! I have tears in my eyes because God is so amazing , and I am so blessed ! ! ! When my journey first began , I thought I would never even get past getting approved ! And while I was only looking forward to getting relief from all of my symptoms , I 'm feeling like I 've won the lottery because the aesthetic rewards are equally gratifying . I look absolutely amazing , and I can truly say that I have not enjoyed my body since I was 22 years old when my first child was born . I now feel sexy ! ! ! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Tears of Joy ! ! ! I am now 8 weeks post op , and am still quite amazed at how wonderfully I am healing . My beast have begun to drop as you can see in the pic , and the are becoming softer like they were before surgery . I do have moments where I feel like they are getting larger , but I think it 's all in my mind since my greatest fear is that I might gain the breast tissue back . My sweetheart was taking a peek the other day , and he said , " they are so pretty ! " Lol ! ! ! I didn 't know he had been paying that much attention , and that he would enjoy them so much . I have a follow up appoint meant for 02 / 05 and my PS plans on taking before and after pics . I am hoping that he will also clear me to begin to workout and lift weights , as I am so anxious to get into better shape . I have decided to take the plunge and get my hernia repaired and a tummy tuck . While the BR was not done for cosmetic reasons , it has motivated me to care more about correcting what I am uncomfortable with . A while ago , I would have been very hesitant to even consider it , but now I 'm so willing to . Now I 'll have to focus on how I can finance it . If anyone has any suggestions , please fell free to share ! I had my final follow up appointment with Dr . Ku on yesterday . All is well , and I have been cleared to return to all normal activities ! Dr . Ku took after photos , and provided me with before and after pics . He might also include those pics on his website . I will keep you guys posted about which patient case number I have been assigned in the event that those pics do make it to his website . After the appointment , I met with his patient care coordinator regarding a tummy tuck . Yes ! ! ! I have decided that I am moving forward with getting the body I want and deserve ! ! I will sharing that journey as well . So for anyone who is interested , please feel free to follow that journey and offer support , and suggestions as I go along . I will update on this review from time to time with pics . Me and the girls are still doing just fine ! I grow to appreciate them more and more each day . Still in total disbelief that they are mine ! They have dropped a tad bit more , but are still very perky . I never imagined how liberating not wearing a bra could be ! While I don 't go without a bra often , I do go without one when ever I can . Nipples aren 't as sensitive as they were when I does got the surgery , but they are still more sensitive then before the surgery . I feel so free , and especially sexy ! There are so many perks to having these new girls ! The pain and discomfort that I was having before the surgery is a thing of the past . I can 't even recall how uncomfortable I was . I still find myself attempting to lift my breast to clean under them while showering . Only to realize that it 's not necessary ! I guess some habits die hard ! Lol ! ! ! No more rashes ! ! ! I can 't believe that it 's been a full year since I had my procedure . And it 's like my post - op breast have been mine for forever . Outside of looking at old pics , I can 't even remember how my old breast looked ! I 'm still so thoroughly amazed at how much of an excellent job Dr . Ku did on my breast ! Here 's a before and after pic , 1 year later ! Dr . Joseph Ku
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As the architect of the NHS and the Welfare State , Clem Attlee is one of only two post - war Prime Ministers who can claim to have changed the society in which we live ( the other being Margaret Thatcher ) . In the years preceding World War II , polarisation within British society was acute . The radicalism of the 1918 generation had spent itself in futile gestures and bitter recriminations , resulting in a minimal change in conditions for the poorest Britons . In 1945 , however , the Labour government , led by Attlee , took office with the skill and the political will to translate socialist aspirations into legislation - to change the way men and women lived , fundamentally , and in a sense irreversibly . In 1906 , the East End worked its magic on Clement Attlee 's soul . He and his younger brother Laurence , who was still an undergraduate , decided to pay a visit to a youth club in Durham Road , Stepney . In 1890 some Old Haileyburyians had decided to do something to help clergy active in the working - class areas of the big cities . They had chosen Stepney because both the rector and the curate were Old Haileyburyians . They built a club , with a gymnasium , drill - hall and club rooms on the first floor , for working - class boys between fourteen and eighteen , which was open five nights a week , from 8 to 10 pm . All members joined the Territorial Army and wore a uniform on club nights , which gave them a pride in their appearance which their everyday rags could not offer . The Attlees had the vague benevolence of the conscientious upper - middle - class Edwardian , a feeling that they ought to give some part of their leisure time to helping the poor . The elder brothers had helped out at boys ' clubs , and Tom was putting a lot of his spare time into a club in Hoxton ; an aunt managed a club for factory girls in Wandsworth , and had gone to live in a poor Wandsworth street in a flat above the club . On that night in 1906 , Laurence collected Clem from the offices of Druces and Attlee and they walked together to Fenchurch Street station and took a train . Ten minutes later , alighting at Stepney , they found themselves in a world which neither of them knew or understood - Limehouse , the heart of the slums . Clem , still in his silk hat and tailcoat , walked gingerly through the disgusting , uncleaned streets for five minutes , and looked up at Haileybury House . The sight of the Haileybury school crest on the outside wall seemed incongruous in those streets , on a dingy hall from which echoed rough cockney voices . Inside they were greeted by Cecil Nussey , an Old Haileyburyian aged thirty - three , with a heavy , dark moustache and a magnetic personality . Nussey worked as a solicitor during the day , and ran the club every evening , living in a small house attached to it . Attlee 's shyness was acute that night . He found it agonising to talk to the boys , who to him were like creatures from another planet , and even to Nussey , whose forceful dynamism he found overwhelming . It was an excruciating evening , made worse by the fact that the boys assumed that the young Attlees were persons of ' substance ' and expected to be inspected . They were taken on a tour of the rooms . In one there was a squad receiving drill instruction ; in another , boxing ; in an upstairs room there were draughts and bagatelle . They had a long talk with Nussey about what he was trying to do and how he was trying to do it . Despite his misery , Attlee learned enough that evening to want to come again , and he discovered more on subsequent visits . Those of the boys who were in work earned very little money , many of them as van - boys , and the little they did earn was needed to keep their families going . Some of them were working eighty or ninety hours a week , and earning barely enough to feed themselves . Their future prospects were worse than their present misery . The practice of East End employers was to employ boys between the ages of fourteen and eighteen , when they were young , fit , agile , and willing to work for next door to nothing ; then throw them back onto the street before they needed sufficient wages to keep a family , and start again with fourteen - year - olds who could be sweated and exploited in their turn . Working - class children went to the local elementary school , where they stayed until they were fourteen , then started work . At the age of twelve they could get exemption from school to work part time , and one in four London children under the age of thirteen had paid work outside school hours . Those without work could raise pennies doing odd jobs for slightly better - off people - running errands , washing steps and window - sills , catching vermin , delivering milk or meat , selling papers or matches in the street . Attlee learned something of their lives on the street , where boys generally had to fight their way to some sort of respect among their peers . He learned about their home lives . Paul Thompson recounts an interview with a man who had been brought up in the East End at that time . His father was forced to stop working after an accident and his mother faced the humiliation of a visit from the Relieving Officer : " This chap come down and she took the clothes off us and washed them and put them on the line see , to air … And this fellow come down , he 'd a stick and he said , ' Oh , ' he said , ' you 're not destitute , ' he said , ' you 've got clothes on the line , ' he said ' and you 've got a plate of fish and meat . ' She said , ' Yes , ' she said , ' you know how much that cost , ' she said , ' that cost me fourpence ' … ' Oh , ' he said , ' you 're not destitute ' … You daren 't have a mat on the floor . Cos we only had orange boxes for tables and chairs you see , with covers on them . " [ 20 ] " We had so many addresses , we couldn 't pay the rent , we had to keep moving . And we come home from school and find your bits and pieces slung out on the road , or passed over the wall to the next bloke to look after while the landlord come in , and he found nothing there . And you was in the next garden see . He looked after ' em until we found a place . Local barrow firms even advertised : ' Keep moving , Humphreys will move you by moonlight . ' " [ 21 ] " You meet these old girls that stand in the porch at the church . ' Good morning Mr so - and - so , good morning Charlie so - and - so . Glad to see you at church this morning . How 's your mother ? Is your father at work ? ' ' No . ' ' Well tell your mother to come round to me Wednesday or Thursday and I 'll find her a day 's work . ' Clean the bloody house out for two bob … " [ 22 ] Attlee learned that for boys like Will Thorn there were none of the pleasures of childhood , except what might be provided by a place like the Haileybury Club . So there was always a waiting list for membership . And he learned the real meaning of poverty . Many of the boys did not get enough food . If they were out of work , they were seriously undernourished because in a poor family , as one of the boys told him in a phrase which was to stay with him all his life , ' You can 't take the food when you haven 't brought anything in . ' Life expectancy in middle - class Hampstead was fifty , in working - class Southwark thirty - six . In a healthy middle - class suburb ninety - six of every one hundred infants would survive their first year of life . In a bad slum district one in three would die . All the evils of slum - dwelling identified more than two decades earlier by the Revd Andrew Mearns were still there , only more so . The rich were richer than they had been in 1883 , the poor were poorer and there were more of them . Seebohm Rowntree studied poverty in York , finding 28 per cent of the population , and 40 per cent of schoolchildren , living below the minimum nutritional standard necessary to maintain physical health . Of 1 , 000 children 163 died before their first birthday . The number was twice as high for working - class children . Of those who survived , one in four did not live beyond the age of four . Attlee learned that in the East End , 300 , 000 people were crowded into 1 , 700 acres , and no doubt remembered that there were 200 acres round the holiday home in Essex which Henry Attlee had purchased when Attlee was a child . He learned that two or three families were often crammed into one tiny back - to - back house ; and that there was no open space nearby because almost every available square yard had been developed to extract the last penny of profit . He learned that the ethnic mix of indigenous cockneys , Irish Catholics , and Jews fleeing Eastern European persecution , was powerful and potentially explosive . He learned what each generation has to experience over again : that the latest group of immigrants is always liable to persecution , especially where space , food and work are in short supply . In the East End in 1906 it was the Jews , and one of the last acts of the Conservative government was to bow to agitation against Jewish immigration by passing the Aliens Act , which allowed for the exclusion of immigrants who had no financial support . Attlee started coming in one evening a week , then two evenings , to help Nussey . He was amazed and delighted to find that with the unforced friendliness of the boys he was overcoming his shyness . What began as a duty started to become a pleasure . Five months after that first visit he took a commission as an officer in the Territorial Army , because otherwise he would not have been able to take a share of the responsibility for running the club . He enjoyed drilling the boys on spring evenings in the rector of Stepney 's garden , marching over Wimbledon Common singing , sleeping over Saturday night in big bell - tents which the club had borrowed . The boys liked and respected him , and he felt for the first time in his life that he was doing something with a purpose . Later , after the First World War , he described part of what was happening to him : " Take the case of a boy from public school knowing little or nothing of social and industrial matters who decides , perhaps at the invitation of a friend or from loyalty to his old school that runs a mission , or to the instinct for service that exists in everyone , to assist in running a boys club . At first he will be shy , then on getting to know the club boys he will find himself with a new outlook and shedding old prejudices . The rather noisy crowd of boys on bicycles with long quiffs of hair turned over the peaks of their caps , whom he always regarded as bounders , become human beings to him , and he appreciates their high spirits , and overlooks what he would formerly have called vulgarity . He goes out to referee them at football and finds that the only available ground is four miles away and he remembers that somewhere he has heard of an agitation for open spaces , while the question of getting there makes him consider transport problems , trains , rail and buses , and he may begin to enquire who is responsible for these services . He finds the boys get there so late that the moon is already getting up , and perhaps his centre - forward , on whom he had been relying , cannot get there at all ; he finds it is a case of overtime , and the demand for shorter hours of labour becomes a reality … he realises now the value of the forty - eight hour week . Privately he wrote years later : ' Few had boots and their clothes were just rags . Many a time I 've washed their cold sore feet in winter … ' He had come a long way from the laconic remark he made to Laurence as they travelled back to Putney after their first visit : ' Good show , that . Might look in from time to time . ' [ 24 ] In the summer of 1906 he attended his first summer camp with the boys , at Rottingdean near Brighton , sleeping in tents . In 1907 Nussey resigned as club manager , and asked Attlee to take the job in his place . Attlee hesitated - not , I suspect , because he did not want the job , but because his self - confidence was still so low that he doubted whether he could do it properly . But Nussey pressed him , and at last he agreed . It paid £ 50 a year - about a quarter of the allowance his father paid him when he was an undergraduate - and it entailed leaving his parents ' home and going to live in the small residence beside the club . It was not a full - time job . He was expected to be there in the evenings . Each morning he put on his lawyer 's top hat and tailcoat , and walked through the streets of the East End to Stepney Green station . There he took a train to the Temple , to spend a boring and dispiriting day waiting for work that did not come , and looking forward to the evening , when he was going to enjoy himself and feel useful . His father continued to pay him an allowance . A young gentleman could hardly be expected to live on £ 50 a year . That year the new Liberal government set up Care Committees for schools . Its volunteer members had the task of visiting the homes of children who were obviously in need , and arranging help for them . Clem and Tom both added Care Committee work to their other duties . Attlee might have remained the Edwardian do - gooder , doing his bit for the less fortunate as a sort of upper - middle - class civic duty . Even now that he was a full - time social worker , Haileybury House might have been simply a temporary phase of his life which he gave to good works before returning to the real business of life , which was making money at the bar . But as months turned into years , he and his family slowly began to realise that this was not just a phase in his life . He had at last taken control of his destiny , and made a positive decision about what to do with it . And there was another choice to be made . He spent 1906 slowly and methodically making it . ' When I give food to the poor they call me a saint . When I ask why the poor have no food they call me a Communist , ' wrote the South American priest Dom Helder Camara eighty years later . [ 25 ] That was the choice Clem Attlee had to make . Was he a saint or a communist - or socialist , at any rate ? The saintly path was in the family tradition , of which his father would have heartily approved . All his brothers did some sort of social work ; one of his sisters became a missionary , and the whole family , except for Clem , was partly inspired to good works by religion . At the start he , like his father , had sympathy with the methods of the Charity Organisation Society , a ghastly organisation which offered loans to tradesmen in difficulties , emigration grants or pensions to the ' respectable poor ' and , for the rest , resident relief at the workhouse or nothing . The idea was to use charitable gifts as moral bribes , making it as unpleasant as possible to receive charity . Poverty was considered a sign of moral depravity . He heard one typical COS member , an Anglican parson , advocating giving poor children only burnt porridge . This sympathy with the COS lasted only a few weeks . The irrelevance and offensiveness of the COS philosophy of moral bribes became clear to him when he realised ' the fine characters of many of the boys , the heroism of the struggle with poverty , the unselfishness and neighbourly kindness which existed in a poor district ' . In the next street there was a gang of small barefoot boys who had nowhere to go . He arranged for the club to be open from 7 to 8 pm - an hour before its normal opening time - for them . His senior boys volunteered to come in and teach and supervise the younger ones , even though it meant snatching a very hasty meal after a long day at work . What right had well - heeled , self - righteous clergymen to treat such people as though they were training puppies not to mess the carpet ? Perhaps this was the most important revelation of all - that the boys ' minds did not reflect the poverty of their homes . To the end of his life he remembered with wonder the conversations he had with them . He remembered the boy who told him that women ought to have the vote because ' only a working woman knows what a working woman has to go through ' . He remembers them struggling with definitions of a gentleman , from ' a bloke what does no work ' through ' a rich bloke ' to ' a bloke what 's the same to everybody ' . Attlee was impressed by the last . He met their parents , visited their homes , and saw how the poor lived . As manager he started to meet not just the boys who came to the club , but those for whom there was no room . He saw that places like Haileybury House hardly even scratched the surface of the problem . He realised , as Andrew Mearns had written the year Attlee was born , that only large - scale action by the state could have any serious effect . It was not a conclusion he sought , nor one he was glad to arrive at . Clem Attlee was , and remained all his life , a profoundly conventional man , happiest swimming with the current . There was not a trace about him of the instinctive rebel which made so many charismatic socialists of his generation . If he could stay within the bounds of conventional thinking , he would be more than happy to do so . He tried hard to avoid leaving what he later called his ' snug niche ' in society . But he also had a logical , methodical mind and could see that unless society was organised so as to eliminate it , the wretchedness he saw all around him would continue forever . He came to socialism slowly and reluctantly , by painstakingly eliminating all possible alternatives , through his heart first and his head afterwards , mentioning ( but only privately , never publicly ) the ' burning anger which I felt at the wrongs which I could see around me ' . There was nothing for it but to make a total break from his upbringing : ' I had been ready to do anything for the poor except get off their backs . ' [ 26 ] Between 1905 and 1907 Attlee did his work during the week and his thinking at weekends , which he spent at his parents ' home in Putney , and where he and Tom thought their way to socialism together over long walks by the Thames . They talked theory and books , but also about the practical matters of running a club . Tom was now an architect , and when Attlee decided that Haileybury House needed more fresh air , Tom designed a new ventilation system and superintended its installation . For Tom , too , working in a boys ' club in a poor area of London - in his case Hoxton - had been a revelation . The two brothers , alike in many ways yet utterly different , used each other as sounding boards . Attlee had a terribly practical mind ; Tom had a tendency to wander off onto metaphysical clouds . For Tom , the easiest part of his parents ' beliefs to accept was their Christianity ; in fact he added to it a fervour all his own , and it was at the centre of everything he did all his life . The club where Tom was working had been founded by Christian socialists , who had influenced him at Oxford . Clem , on the other hand , had already quietly dropped Christianity . He did so carefully and tactfully , and gave no offence in the family home , but he did so decisively . You cannot prove that God exists by logical argument . It is a matter of faith , and Clem never had it . And that , to Clem , was that . So Tom 's Christian socialist tracts fell on stony ground . But Tom , as an architect , was also influenced by aesthetes and art critics like Thomas Carlyle , John Ruskin and William Morris , to whom he introduced his brother and whom Clem found much more helpful . Clem responded at once to Carlyle 's anger and disgust , and to his appeal to the middle classes to see , and put right , the misery and ugliness in their midst . Ruskin advocated not socialism but what we now call a welfare state . The unemployed should be retrained , and if they proved unemployable , should be looked after at the state 's expense . He wanted pensions for everyone . From Ruskin , Attlee learned that only the state could provide these things . From William Morris he learned that the industrial revolution had released forces of greed , cruelty and selfishness ; and the task was so to organise post - industrial society that it ceased to be ugly and materialistic . Human beings should not be asked to live and work in the soulless ugliness which was the East End . Attlee turned to the poets he had loved as a boy , and found to his surprise that many of them , Shelley and Blake in particular , re - read in a new light , were on the side of revolt against capitalism and greed . He and Tom looked at co - operatives as a solution . This faith lasted just long enough for both of them to get a few suits very badly made at a tailor 's shop run on co - operative lines . All this agonising might seem excessive , but the step the two brothers were about to take was one which would horrify their friends , their family 's friends and the men they had been to school with . To some middle - class young men , the idea of shocking their families and friends would have been attractive . To Clem Attlee it had not the slightest appeal . By October 1907 Attlee was a socialist . The transition from being a cynical young Tory had taken just two years from that first visit to Haileybury House . The next step was to join a socialist organisation . That was not as easy as it sounds . Left - wing organisations , then as now , were suspicious , dogmatic and faction - ridden . Tom , who had been a step or two ahead of his brother all the way down the road , took Attlee to the Fabian Society at Clements Inn , perhaps because it was the most middle - class of all societies , the one where they might meet men from their own background . There they met the sort of forbidding , unwelcoming socialists who , Attlee was to learn , were the curse of the movement . Attlee writes in his autobiography : ' Edward Pease , the Secretary , regarded us as if we were two beetles who had crept in under the door , and when we said we wanted to join the Society he asked coldly : " Why ? " We said , humbly , that we were socialists and persuaded him that we were genuine . ' [ 27 ]
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No , I 'm not talking about marijuana , though that would definitely be an interesting article . I 'm actually talking about coping with chronic illness while raising a family . Perhaps you 've heard of Disautonomia , Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome ( POTS ) , or Ehlers - Danlos Syndrome . Perhaps you haven 't . But these conditions are very real , and being a mom of four ( soon to be five ) while living with them is a surreal experience full of both suffering and beauty . Imagine for a moment that , like every mother on the planet , you have more things to do in a day than are physically possible to accomplish . Now imagine trying to tackle that when your body feels heavy like you 're wading through thick mud , and coffee only makes the feeling worse . You 're exhausted like you 've just run a marathon … ALL THE TIME . Walking up the stairs is like mountain climbing without oxygen . You have to constantly write yourself notes and set alarms on your phone because your memory is swiss cheese . Complex situations are overwhelming because your brain is in a fog , like when you first wake up in the morning , except it never goes away . The mere act of standing makes your heart jump in your throat , and the smallest movements can dislocate a rib or hyperextend a knee . And you are in significant pain every waking moment . What happens when you live like this every day is both heartbreaking and inspiring . A series of things start to unfold . The first thing to go is your house . Dishes and laundry pile up , as does random clutter everywhere . You forget to clean the cat box and don 't have the energy to mow the lawn . Your house starts to look like an episode of Hoarders and you 're too ashamed to invite people over or even let your kid 's friends inside to play . Then goes your self esteem . You blame yourself for all the things you know you should be doing . You feel lazy and worthless . Thoughts creep into your mind like " I 'm not trying hard enough " " I 'm such a burden " and " My family must be so disappointed in me . " You curse your body for not working right , and feel resentment towards both yourself and towards healthy people who live more mainstream lives . Your marriage suffers , both physically and emotionally , and you start to tell yourself that your spouse would be happier without you . The guilt and self - blame are the worst when it comes to your children . You want to give them the world , and instead they don 't even bother to ask if you 'll take them to the park because they know that pained look in your eye all too well . You teach your children to be self - sufficient and independent ; more out of necessity than anything else . You are proud that your teens can cook dinner , wash their own clothes , and fix their own bikes . You love how your younger kids can quietly entertain themselves outside in the fresh air without you hovering over them . But you also know that their childhood is flying by at lightning speed while you 're laying in bed trying not to throw up . Then comes the judgement squad . Doctors not familiar with your condition , random people on the street , your kid 's teachers , coworkers , sometimes even your own family members . Everyone has an opinion on how severe your illness is and how you should be handling it . A lot of people don 't even believe your condition is real because you look " normal " on the outside . Your slurred speech and shaky movements means you sometimes get mistaken for an alcoholic or drug addict , and then treated with open disdain and discrimination . I am a strong believer in homeopathy , clean eating , healthy exercise , and so on . But none of these things are magic cures that will stabilize the blood flow to my brain and keep my joints from dislocating . None of these things will keep my autonomic nervous system from misfiring like an electrical short . This is what leads to the final stage : the mask . You start hiding your condition as best you can from the world . You grit your teeth and smile through the dislocations and spasms . When someone asks what 's wrong , you tell them you 're " just a little tired " instead of telling the truth . People get tired of hearing about your symptoms and start to tune you out . You avoid social interaction as much as possible , and start lying to cover up for it . ( " Oh I 'm sorry I missed the meeting , I had a flat tire " ) . You completely shut down in stressful situations because everyday life is already stressful enough , and you just can 't bear any more . You decide it is so much easier to put on the normal facade than wasting energy trying to make everyone understand . ( Because 80 % of them never will . ) There is an odd beauty to it though . This purgatory of inbetween health - not sick enough to be disabled , but not healthy enough to be normal - is like slowing down and living your life in stop motion . You learn to appreciate tiny moments like the sun warming your skin , the crinkle of smile in your daughter 's eyes , the earthy flavor of a hot cup of tea . You appreciate the people who stick by your side , and love them fiercely for it . You learn to let go of the things that don 't matter ; like messy hair , dirty kids , and judgemental people . You learn to slow down and just breathe . Thanks so much to Heather for submitting this post today , does this relate to you ? How do you find juggling parenting and family life with chronic illness ? If you relate , please leave a comment or consider following the directions below and submitting your own post to share ! I had everything written out over two A4 pages , Which he said he was delighted with and wished more people would come prepared ! It had My Diagnosis , Investigations done to date , Medications , All my doctors listed , Current Symptoms etc . So he went through everything with me . 17 : 30pm : Too tired to deal with crowds so decide to bring sushi back to the hotel to enjoy in peace . Then just relax watching TV for the rest of the evening as we were both wrecked and I was beginning to feel really poorly after the busy day . I did ok though but we didn 't get much sleep as there was a Hen party in the room next door to us so it was really noisy at times but either way we got through the night and were up bright and early the next morning , Though we were both impossibly tired and I was barely able to move ! Either way we got home safe , landed , went to collect our dog from my parents house and hit for home where we both crashed and burned pretty hard ! I know right , just one day and were done , useless we are ! I felt incredibly sick and my husband caught a flu on our travels so he has been hit pretty hard too since coming back . We both still haven 't recovered properly ! EDS is due to a mutation in one of more than a dozen different genes . The specific gene affected determines the type of EDS . Some cases result from a new mutation occurring during early development while others are inherited in an autosomal dominant or recessive manner . This results in defects in the structure or processing of collagen . [ 1 ] The diagnosis may be confirmed with genetic testing or a skin biopsy . People may be misdiagnosed with hypochondriasis , depression , or chronic fatigue syndrome . [ 3 ] I continued to come to and then pass out again every time I straightened my legs . My Heart rate was racing and my Blood Pressure was dropping really low . My husband called the doctor for advice who told him to immediately call an ambulance or take me to A & E . He decided to drive rather than waste more time waiting for an ambulance which would take at least 30 minutes to get to where we lived . I had heard about a Rheumatologist in Cork who knew about EDS and Hypermobility so I decided to pay him a visit just to see what he thought . Down I went to see him and within a few minutes of him seeing me he had me diagnosed with a ' classic case of Hypermobility EDS ' , with possible Classical EDS overlaps . I was surprised and kinda happy that I had finally confirmed my inkling that I had it . To help , my Pots doctor did organize for me to see a Rheumatologist in Croom hospital who confirmed my possible hypermobility and organized for me to do Hydrotherapy and physio at their facilities in Croom Hospital . Even that physiotherapist confirmed I had possible hypermobility but she never believed I had EDS . I found the HSE as a whole were fine to say hypermobility but would never confirm EDS ( for fear they would have to treat me for it if they confirmed the diagnosis ! I have always been paranoid that was the reason anyway … maybe not ! ) Yup ! I was even breached for a while before birth but thankfully righted myself before being popped out ! When I was born then , I was born with a Fissure and a broken Tail Bone and throughout my life I always had gut issues , travel sickness and dysmotility and I was never without a cast , sling , crutch or some other bandage or plaster thanks to stupid injuries and broken bones which , even though broken bones are not symptoms of EDS I put a lot of my past injuries and ailments down to my EDS as you 're born with it , it 's with you from the start and I seemed to have a lot of various symptoms . When I hit puberty and teenage years the fainting , feeling really weak , Nausea , Dysmotility and chronic pain got bad with a vengeance and again all the way through school there are photos of me in slings and on crutches , it was crazy ! I did do Karate though from the age of 13 and I was constantly breaking bones from it ! Baaaaad idea with EDS but sure I never knew and the A & E at the time only ever treated the individual injuries and never looked at everything as a whole ! My teeth and gums gave me problems too . From the age of 13 to 16 , I was with an Orthodontist and had braces for the full 3 years . As well as always having gum disease for as long as I can remember , They could never successfully freeze my gums , they had to do lots of injections and finally had to bring in a heavy chrome looking contraption thing to freeze the gums , either way lots of freezing needed . I also had receding gum and bone and every time the braces were removed my teeth would start quickly moving back to where they had been ! I now know all these teeth things are problems of EDS . After a little while things slowly began to improve , life from 2011 had been turbulent but in 2013 I decided the time was right for me to return to work . I had been working as self employed while I was running my Media Production Company from 2010 after I had finished my Masters of Science in College and it went very well while I had the energy for it and obviously while I was sick I became unable to deal with 12 hour days traveling all over the country for day long photo and video shoots so I decided something slower paced would suit me better and I found the perfect job working from home for Apple Computers . I absolutely loved the job and because it was from home it was sedate enough for me to deal with some symptoms and still be able to work but just as things had started to go well , about 4 months in I tripped over my Mums dog we were minding and wrecked my hip . Symptoms seemed to crack up from here ! Things got worse and worse from here , my hip pain was daily and excruciating , I had to go into hospital for investigations where I was advised to stop work because of my illness and to start using a wheelchair to help my mobility . Of Course , I didn 't want this at all and resisted it at all costs but had to give in , in the end as I simply just needed it and now I am glad I have decided to use a chair as it has given me much freedom in this restricted state . Work however has stopped and has not restarted since stopping in 2013 . It doesn 't look likely that I will ever go back to work as this is a progressive disease . I started a Go Fund Me and started fundraising to go to London . So many people generously helped out , Thank you to all , everyone was amazing , even a quiz night was organized and everything , I was blown away ! I finally had enough to go and so I did , You can read all about the trip HERE . Long story short , we got to London and I got a confirmed clinical diagnosis of EDS Hypermobility Type with secondary GI Issues and possible Classical EDS overlaps , from the Professor himself . He did up a great long letter and treatment plan to send to my doctors that couldn 't be ignored and I have found has helped me hugely since getting it . He referred me to Harold 's Cross which I did in Feb 2016 and you can read all about that time HERE and I find all doctors and nurses take the diagnosis far more seriously than the one from Cork . I have had no more trouble from anyone on believing or disbelieving the diagnosis . He wanted me to return to see Prof . Aziz a Neurogastroenterologist for further tests and treatment and I had hoped to return sooner than I am able to . I will be returning in 10days time ( 2 . 5years later ) to see him and I am excited ! Simply put , I was too ill to fly . The past 2 . 5 years have been by far the worst in terms of my symptoms . My Nausea is daily and intractable , my dysmotility causing so much pain and trouble that I have been hospitalized loads of times because of it and what I have been diagnosed with called Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction has been causing severe pain and again I have been hospitalized because of this and other chronic pain . I have also been diagnosed with Neurogenic Bladder Dysfunction and have had complications because of that also . My Neck has been giving me huge trouble . I am receiving Occipital and SI Joint Nerve Blocks for severe pain . My pain specialist thinks I have instability in my neck but that cant really be checked without an upright MRI , which I may also need to get , but again there is none in Ireland so this will have to be done in London if it is needed . At the moment he is treating me as though I have instability in my neck with the Nerve blocks and opiate pain meds until such time as I can get it checked properly . He has me in for a lie down regular MRI for which I am waiting to be called but he doubts it will show anything . My Gastro issues are probably my worst problem . They are what I am hospitalized for the most and they never seem to go away . This is why I decided to visit another specialist in Cork , this time a Gastroenterologist who has studied with Prof . Aziz ( the Dr . I am seeing in London for my EDS Gut related issues ) I went to see him in Cork and he immediately identified all my problems and symptoms , took note of all the medications I am on and booked me in for a number of tests that may be asked for in London anyway . In Feb this year I had a Barium Swallow test that showed up all clear which is great . Next Monday I have a Gastric Emptying test to do which is happening just before I go to London to see Prof Aziz . I will be flying out the morning of Sat May 13th . The reason I decided to go to this doctor in Cork was that he understood EDS , I heard great things back about him and the fact that he studied under Prof Aziz all meant that he could possibly help me out and so far I feel he has . He was the one who wrote the referral letter to Prof . Aziz for me and he said he would work with whatever Prof . Aziz says in his treatment plan . That 's the plan anyway , lets hope that 's how it works out ! I tried a dry run of trying to stay up for 11 hours ( sounds easy for some but for me I find it difficult to stay up past 4 hours before needing rest ) as 11 hours is the time it takes from being up from about 05 : 00am that morning until about 4pm which is roughly the time we will make it to the hotel at , thats 11 hours up . I tried that the other day and actually failed at 9 hours and needed to crash so bad ! so I am worried I may not be able for this trip but I will persevere and hope for the best . My husband will be with me so at least I wont be alone when I go to London and of course I will update you all when I return . I really hope the good professor can help ! 🙂 Posted on April 17 , 2017 by Fainting Goat 1 I know , I know ! I am late with this again , I am so sorry , I just couldn 't get to the computer the last few days because of the health once again . I will have to do them during the week and have them publish automatically on the Saturday morning . I will do better , I promise ! I 've never told my story before because it 's weird and I 've ended up with a bunch of rare things . People tend to get either bored or uncomfortable with the full version . I 'm having to come up with some creative reasons why I 'm in my wheelchair . Anyway , I 'm an old lady ( 48 ) But I 've had issues with my heart palpation since I was 17 or so . When I was 20 I was pregnant with my first kid . The doctors wouldn 't listen to me . The palpations were so bad anywhere I would go I would have to stop everything for about a minute . Only because my heart was beating so fast and hard . Talk about a massive head rush ! But I was also told they were side effects of pregnancy . So , after a few years and another kid ( I really was terrified of dying during birth ) everyone around me told me I was fine & if the doctor wasn 't worried , why should I be ? Ok First Lesson people ! ! If it 's your body and Your scared , Start Screaming for Anyone to listen ! ! I put up with this for 10 Years before I Finally was diagnosed . I had to get a blood clot first , But hey , your body has to do what it Needs to do . So , I 'm 27 years old and finally I 'm seeing a Cardiologist . I told him that my heart goes super fast . He asked me if he could check it out . I thought , heck why not . It 's probably nothing . . Wrong Answer ! ! I 've got stickers all over my chest and this readout starts printing and the Doctor gets All excited ! ! ! OK , Lesson number 2 , When a Doctor gets Excited , be Scared . . it 's Not good News ! I have an inherited disease called ( WPW ) Wolff Parkinson White . My electrical pathways were kinda not working right . So it was ( is ) making my heart palpate . The doctor told me I was in the 10 % of the population , oh and I needed an ablation right away or I can go into a heart attack and die . Yeah , my inner voice yelled at me for listening to all those Stupid people ! ! Who in the end , didn 't really give a crap . As I said , listen to yourself … so , I went in for my first ablation . Well , it ended up 2 of them because the first one didn 't quite take . After about 2 or 3 years I started taking Hawthorne supplement . Because my palpations started to come back . Now just so we all know , my paternal grandfather had wpw , they didn 't have a name for it in the 2nd war , he would be driving his supply truck in Germany and a bomb went off , he just ended up in the ditch with " heart attacks " . Which is what they were . But there was nothing they could do for him . Personally it really sucks ! Plus the pain is right Nasty . Chest pain and all . Back to me , I got to play with beta blockers & calcium Channel blockers to keep my heart under control , it just ended up confusing my heart , it was up to 300 then it would drop to 30 in just a few seconds . Thus me checking on the floor making sure it wasn 't lonely . I Never did get to pass out , but ya know . . I 'm a blonde asthmatic dyslexic . . why add on to that ? ? The doctors got mightily concerned and decided I needed a pacemaker . My first . Wow , I got to name him . Something fancy , so I came up with Engleburt Humperdink ! ( You young ones look him up ) it fit great ! ! I went in & as the doctors who have been putting in pacemakers for Decades , they put in the first lead . . that went smoothly it was the upper lead they had major issues , my heart took off and I 've Never seen 2 Cardiologist freak out before . They couldn 't slow down my heart for anything . They never had this happen before . I suppose they finally found the relaxant . Yeah , it 's a fun story . They stapled me together and within 6 months I had to go in for another ablation . They made me stay awake . All together in 10 years I 've had 9 ablations . Yes , they made me stay awake during all of them ( the first 2 were exception ) as I 've said I 'm Really rare and different . I felt every ablation , just as I can feel my heart go into tachycardia . The last ablation they tried to make me completely dependent on my pacemaker . They were only 95 % my heart still goes off but now only for a limited time . Few seconds here and there . Nothing like it did . Now I 'm dealing with the pots . But I found out more family info . My mother had the same thing , so does my niece 's ( 2 ) so now I 'm finding out its genetic . When it 's genetic the symptoms are severe . Where I Live , I was told that all they can do is just treat the symptoms . I 'm getting new symptoms and they are not pretty . So , we moved to a new state for better medical care . My timing couldn 't be worse , Spring is kicking me around like I 'm it 's new punching bag . Being bed bound is hard enough , but now we 've got to find another place to live and paperwork to do plus finding doctors that might just care . If your wondering , I found Irish Dysautonomia back when I was around 30ish . A Long Time ago ! ! I found you guys on YouTube . It was the first time I was introduced to what the Crap I really do have . I 'm thankful for the support and information that I 've found . It 's very personal and individual in its attacks . I 'm also bipolar 2 . So I 'm on a few meds right now . Fludicourt for my blood pressure is the main thing , but then I 'm finding out that anxiety is a symptom as well . Which having bi - polar 2 & ptsd Really makes me realize how severe this crap is . I 'm very open about my mental health as well as my physical health . I 'm one person , why separate ? If my stress ( anxiety ) is affecting my heart why treat my mind and my heart seperate ? So , I 'm really big on coping strategies . They Really do help . Anyway , I 'm around sometimes on Facebook my name is Tuffy Baxter , I would like to be on Facebook a lot more , but it 's difficult . Thank you for reading this blog . It is my first at telling this story . I hope if anything helped give a smile or 2 . I suppose I shall see you all soon in the funnys ! ! 😍😍😍 Posted on March 11 , 2017 by Fainting Goat 7 I 'm Evie and I come from Cork , Ireland . I 'm a 29 - year - old mother of two baby zebras . Alex is 7 and Olivia is almost 2 . I am diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome ( hEDS ) , Orthostatic Intolerance and Vasovagal Syncope . I first heard of EDS after interviewing a young woman with EDS for the paper I used to work for . Something about this woman 's story stirred something inside me and I became passionate about raising awareness of the condition . A year later I was diagnosed with EDS . When I 'm not blogging , looking after my two children or lying in bed ill , I help my husband run our wedding videography business and co - host a radio show on Saturday evenings from 7pm ( Irish time ) on www . clonlineradio . com . I write about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome an awful lot and with where I am guest posting today , I decided to focus on Dysautonomia . I recently wrote A Simple Guide to EDS on my own blog so now I 'm going to write A Simple Guide to Dysautonomia . I hope that this blog will help people to understand the complexity of Dysautonomia ; if they are newly diagnosed or want to help their loved ones understand . I have omitted a lot of medical jargon and used easy to understand language so this can also be accessible to young people . The Autonomic System is the system in the body responsible for every automatic thing your body does . It is responsible for the way you breathe , the way your heart beats , the way your blood pumps around your body , the way you digest your food and even the way your contractions work in child birth . The Autonomic System is very important . So , when your Autonomic System doesn 't work correctly this is known as Dysautonomia . Dys simply means " bad " , " ill " or " abnormal " . Dysautonomia is a general term for any condition that disrupts any aspect of the autonomic system . This is a complicated question . There are many , many reasons why Dysautonomia occurs . It can be the result of other conditions , for example it is believed that Ehlers Danlos Syndrome ( AY - LERZ - DAN - LOSS - SIN - DROME ) is responsible for Dysautonomia in some patients but that hasn 't been officially confirmed . It can be induced in pregnancy , can be inherited or can occur when the autonomic system has been damaged . Even being deficient in certain vitamins can trigger Dysautonomia . Depending on the type of Dysautonomia you have , the symptoms vary . One of the most common types of Dysautonomia is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome . That 's a mouthful , right ? Most people just call it POTS for short . POTS basically means that when you are in an upright position your heart beats faster than it should ( at least 30 beats faster than when a person is lying down or sitting ) . This can make people feel very ill . POTS can cause people to faint when they 're upright or exercising , they can also get very bad headaches , have chronic fatigue ( being tired all the time ) or find it difficult to sleep . A big sign of POTS is red or blue coloured skin in the legs and feet when they 're standing or sitting . This shows that their blood is having trouble pumping around their body and is gathering in the legs and feet . This is often the reason why people get dizzy and faint . Another common type of Dysautonomia is Orthostatic Intolerance ( OI ) . OI means in the simplest term that your body does not like being upright . Almost like you 're allergic to standing up . Some people with POTS also have OI . The symptoms of OI include palpitations ( your heart pounding very hard ) , light - headedness , chest pain , trouble breathing , nausea , brain fog ( trouble thinking or speaking coherently ) and fainting . If you 're experiencing symptoms of Dysautonomia , the first port of call is to discuss your symptoms with your doctor . Unfortunately , medical professionals fob off quite a lot of people . Patients are told they just need to get more sleep or exercise more . If you do think you may have Dysautonomia , do suggest the possibility to your doctor . Like any other human , they won 't be able to remember everything they learned in college . You may just see a light bulb going off , and find that your doctor is suddenly able to help . Once a doctor focuses on the possibility , they should take a detailed medical history and perform a careful physical exam . No . Dysautonomia is considered to be an invisible condition . Even though you can 't see it , it still exists . It is a disability and should be treated like any other visible disability . To a trained eye , Dysautonomic signs can be spotted like the pooling in the legs and feet like we discussed earlier . Generally ? No . There is a type of Dysautonomia called Multiple System Atrophy ( MSA ) that is fatal . It has symptoms vey similar to Parkinson 's disease , but has quicker progression . People with MSA are rare and the condition usually occurs in adults over the age of 40 . The cause of MSA is unknown , and no cure or treatment slows the disease . Luckily , most people can manage their symptoms with prescription medications given by their doctor . A common medicine known as a vasoconstrictor can stop the heart beating too fast and the blood pressure dropping too low . While these medications can help relieve the symptoms of the heart problems , it does not solve the underlying issue causing Dysautonomia . Sometimes medications can make things worse or cause new symptoms . Dysautonomia is generally considered a progressive disease , which means it gets worse over time . When the Autonomic Nervous System becomes unregulated it can begin causing damage to the organs . For example , some people suffer from a condition called Gastroparesis ( GAS - TRO - PAR - EE - SISS ) . This causes the stomach and intestines to become paralysed . This means food often sits in the stomach and digestive system for too long . This means that people with the condition can be very ill . Some of them even need to be fed with a tube . This is why early diagnosis is important . No . Not everyone who suffers from Dysautonomia needs to use a wheelchair . Some people have symptoms so bad that they need to use the wheelchair for their own safety just in case they faint and hurt themselves . Other people use wheelchairs sometimes when they are having a bad day with their symptoms . Some people with Dysautonomia have other conditions like EDS which means they have even more trouble with their body like chronic pain ( pain all the time ) or they are susceptible to dislocations ( their joints pop out of their sockets ) . They may need the wheelchair to get around . No . Dysautonomia is not contagious . If you know somebody with Dysautonomia , don 't be afraid , you 're not going to catch anything from him or her . So , if you 're avoiding someone with a type of Dysautonomia , go make friends with him or her . Be there to listen if they want to talk about it . Some people are afraid to tell you how they feel because they think friends and family don 't want to hear them complain . Ask them how they are and if you can do anything to help them . Doing shopping or household chores can be a huge help and it would be most appreciated . If you 're friend or family member has Dysautonomia and can 't access appropriate treatment like here in Ireland , write to your local representatives to tell them about Dysautonomia and the lack of care that is available . Help raise awareness in the public by sharing articles or pictures about Dysautonomia . Dysautonomic conditions are incredibly under diagnosed and many of the tests needed to diagnose some of the conditions are not available here in Ireland . If someone with a type of Dysautonomia that makes them faint collapses in front of you : - position them on their back . If the person is breathing restore blood flow to the brain by raising their legs above the heart level . Loosen anything they are wearing that might be tight or restrictive . Usually someone with a fainting disorder will come to without any further problems . Give them a glass of water and when they 're ready , help them up slowly . If they are not ready to get up , sit or lie down with them . It can be embarrassing to faint sometimes so it 's nice to have someone lie down and chat with you to make you feel better . Fainting can be very disorientating and the person may also be sore so let them rest . If you 're worried that they may have broken something or banged their head hard , take them to the hospital or out of hours doctor to get checked out . If the person does not come to , starts seizing or stops breathing call 999 or 112 . - Thanks so very much to Evie from The Zebra Mom for doing a Saturday Submissions blog for us and a very appropriate post it is too . Do you have any further questions in relation to Dysautonomia for Evie or myself ? Please leave a comment below and tell us what you think ! " I turn forty next week . And as an early birthday present , I have just bought myself a Nintendo Switch . I will , of course , share it with the kids , but even if I didn 't have any kids , I 'd have bought it . I never thought I 'd get into gaming in my thirties , but here I am . I was never that into gaming as a child . We didn 't have a console and had limited access to games . The only game my dad ever bought us was a PC chess game . Somehow we ended up with two other games , Prince of Persia and one I think was called Leisuresuit Larry in the Land of The Lounge Lizards ! Oh , and Tetris . And Solitare . So , a deprived childhood . On the odd occasion that I 'd be visiting a house where video games were played , I 'd do my best to join in . This was how I got to experience Donkey Kong and a few racing games . And I did terribly . I could not understand the rules or controls or stand not doing that well . And being teased about it . And yet , I loved watching the others play . I admired the graphics and everything else that went into the games . I just thought they weren 't for me . And then , in 2011 , when I was the grand old age of 34 , my son won a Nintendo Wii in the school Christmas raffle . He was four , and as he has since proclaimed : " that day changed my life forever " . He 's not the only one . We have since moved on to the Wii U , as well as two 3DS handheld consoles , and a laptop bought just for gaming . The arrival of video games into my life happened to coincide with when my health started to go seriously downhill . And I discovered that video games are the perfect accompaniment to days spent unable to get off the sofa . They provide the ultimate distraction . On days that I can 't physically play them , I watch the kids play them and that helps with the pain as well . They help keep my brain sharp . They are a fantastic way to bond with the kids , to enter their world . Especially as both my kids are completely obsessed about video games and hardly talk about anything else . It 's a real advantage to know what they are talking about . And so , to put it mildly , I am hooked . I told my kids that my ultimate life goal is to play every game that Nintendo has ever released . They laughed and said it 's an impossible goal . I say nothing is impossible , and at least it gives me something to aim for ! And so , this morning , I picked up the just - released Nintendo Switch . To say I 'm excited would be an understatement . I actually feel happy , rejuvenated , really alive . My pain has melted into the background as the excitement and adrenaline is kicking in . And as I wait here for the kids to get home from school so we can have a great Unboxing Ceremony , I can 't help reflecting on how gaming has allowed me to cope so much better with being disabled . And I 'm sure I 'm not the only one ! " March kicks off with my birthday on the 5th , I have nothing planned only to celebrate with hospital appointments which start on Monday the 6th with a follow up appointment with my doctors who look after my Pots care in UHL . This usually involves looking at the current meds I am on , seeing if they need an update , they ask about my symptoms to date and see if I require another Tilt Table Test or some other tests etc . This will have been my first ' Pots ' appointment in over a year now so it will be good to catch up and see if any changes are needed . The next day , Thursday the 9th , I have an MRI of my neck and spine , as ordered by my Pain Specialist , to try and rule out Chiari Malformation or other complications because of the severe pain and headaches I am getting coming from around the base of my skull / top of my neck area , I already get ' Occipital Nerve Blocks ' , for that and ' Sacroiliac Joint Nerve Blocks ' , for the pain I get in my lower back and hips , but I find these nerve blocks are only helpful for a very short period of time ( sometimes , if at all ! ) and are not advised for long term treatment . I have been getting them on and off for over 3 years now altogether as well as continuously taking two types of Opiates ( Fast and slow release ) , meds for neuropathic pain , anti - inflammatories and also muscle relaxants , daily , even with all of these and the injections there has been no proper ' cure ' , especially for the severe neck and head pain , if anything that has gotten worse , so he wanted to investigate that further . We spoke and he explained that he understands that EDSers usually don 't show any evidence of Chiari during a lying down MRI , it is preferred that an upright MRI is performed for a more honest view , however there is no upright MRI in Ireland , one of the closest being in London . I may not need an upright one at all , we will see what the lie down one shows first but he said he would refer me to London if needs be . I will also be returning to London , ( privately as none of this is covered by the HSE ! ) to see another GI specialist that specialises in EDS very soon and I will also see what that specialist suggests I do because the pain and headaches have me bedbound most days now and have worsened my quality of life , where it was very low to begin with ! 😦 The following Wednesday the 15th I am back down to Cork University Hospital to see the new private GI specialist I started seeing in November just gone . I won 't mention Names here but , he was recommended to me by a good few people on the Irish EDS related Facebook Pages stating that he is an excellent GI specialist who is very well read up on EDS ( Also having studied and worked with the private GI Consultant who specialises in EDS , in London , that I had already heard about ( and spoke about in the previous paragraph ) and had planned to go and see . ) It was recommended that I see him before going straight to London as he can do ( in Cork ) a lot of the tests they do in London , so I said I would give him a go , and I am so glad I did . I have to say first that My Limerick GI Team in UHL are fantastic in that they have tried almost every test they could to see what is causing all my gut trouble . Since starting all the GI investigations in December 2014 , up to now , they found out that I have ' Gut Dysmotility ' and ' Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction ' , but beyond medicating and treating me for those , they do not know what is causing my Nausea , Vomiting , Trouble Swallowing and Severe Gut Pain that has hospalised me more than 4 times in the last year , nor do they know why I have lost over 3 . 5 stone and continue to lose weight even though I am keeping my calorific intake as high as possible on as many days of the week that I physically can . The team have read up on EDS where they have needed to and continue to educate themselves as we continue to investigate ( The tests in Limerick are ongoing , even with another ERCP Operation with Bile Duct Sphincterotomy ( where they cut the muscle ) at the end of this month ) but I feel we are still coming to a dead end , Especially when the symptoms have eased only a little and ultimately continue to cause daily trouble and the head GI specialist of the Limerick Team came to me already and said that it would probably be better if I went to London to see what ' The EDS Experts ' have to say . So on hearing about the GI doctor in CUH who knew his EDS , I made an appointment and went down to see him and get his advice before I decided to go straight to London . The first Cork appointment came in November and I was pleasantly surprised when I met him . He was very well read with regards to EDS , listened to my full medical history , symptoms , complaints , procedures , tests and operations that I already had . Went through the medications I was on and went through some with me that I had never heard of before but he wanted to do a few tests and X - Rays before changing my medications . When he heard I was interested in going to the GI specialist who he trained under over in London , he was delighted to refer me over and suggested that it was a great idea to get his opinion as he would have the most expertise when it came to treating GI trouble in EDS patients and he thinks this London specialist should be able to help me . He immediately wrote up a referral letter as I was there as well as booking me in for some new tests in Cork hospital that are not available in Limerick . He said these test appointments would be sent to me in the coming weeks after the appointment and sure enough , they did , they came through very fast , a lot faster than I have experienced in Limerick . I had a Barium Swallow X - Ray done in January and still waiting on the results of that which will probably be given during the clinic appointment I have on Wednesday the 15th of March and I am currently waiting on a Gastric Emptying Test appointment which should arrive , I am told , in the next few weeks . Either way I am very impressed with this Cork based GI Specialist who knows his EDS , I will certainly stick with him , as well as the Limerick team , for now while I wait for my London appointment to come through . Not finished yet ! I have a Gynae appointment in the Maternity Hospital on Monday the 20th . Then that Friday the 24th I have an EEG back at the UHL and finally , The Big One ! I have another ERCP operation thingy with a Bile Duct Sphincterotomy the following and last Tuesday of the Month , the 28th . and that 's it ! ! That covers all appointments for March only ! Every month there is usually something and it feels like , I only get out for doctors appointments these days ! but what can you do ? !
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Sophanara Blogs for Americans for UNFPA As for the personal reflection I feel that non - profits organizations in the US and Cambodia have similar goals towards promoting women 's status and protecting women and girls rights . Similar centers have been established and vocational trainings have been provided as well as counseling to heal the trauma . However , I personally noted that the communication system between the victim and assistance providers in the US is more modern , especially in terms of technology . In the U . S . the internet and email is a common medium for communicating even when sensitive matters are involved , while in Cambodia service providers have to be community - based agents or provided through a local authority network . In terms of resource mobilization skills , we are not as strong as the Americans for UNFPA ; partly because Cambodian society is not very supportive of social development issues and they are frequently influenced by political philosophy . Attending the Gala event was the most important learning opportunity of my trip to New York in October . I learned the way the organizer ( Americans for UNFPA ) mobilizes support from its friends and supporters . The commitment from American honorees , social workers others supportive of UNFPA 's work reflects the western 's value and the way they help / care each other . It shows how Americans lead their lives . I had a chance to meet the UN Secretary General , Ban Ki - moon and his wife in person - he is a very supportive leader for improving women 's status . Through the informal discussion with the international honorees , I learnt that the issues challenging developing countries are not much different to one another in how they contribute to assisting their communities - I feel now that we are not alone in our efforts . It was a very great honor for me to meet with members of the US Congress , the Board of Directors of Americans for UNFPA and its staff members , non - profit organizations and American citizens at different capacities . Most of them shared our concer0 Sophanara guest blogs for Americans for UNFPA . The International Award organized by Americans for UNFPA provides a great opportunity to the activists who work at the ground to improve the health and dignity for women by recognizing and acknowledging them globally . In addition to mobilizing resources , women - related issues have been consistently raised through this high - level advocacy effort and the people living in industrialized countries such as the U . S . citizens gain a better view on what happens to marginalized groups , especially women in developing communities . Also activists can share personal and work experiences on how they are challenged and how it can be frustrating when coping with these kinds of sensitive issues . Activists also explain how they contribute to improving the lives of suffered people in their own community . In complement to advocacy efforts constantly used by UNFPA , it has been observed that the attention that media pays to women 's issues was gained gradually . Today , women 's related issues including health , gender , and domestic violence and trafficking are frequently talked about in the media . Given the active role of the Cambodian Women 's Crisis Center ( CWCC ) in addressing women 's issues , in particular providing legal support to women the work is greatly appreciated by beneficiaries , stakeholders and donors . We have learned that Ms . Ket Noeun is a very committed , dedicated and devoted person in advocating women 's problems . Based on this Noeun was nominated and we believe she is role model as a strong advocate in her community . She was excited and energized once she learnt that her nomination was successfully awarded , hence her dedication has been rewarded . She hoped that her experiences from the grass root level would convince American 's people to have further support to Cambodia social development . It was amazing that Noeun could witness and represent UNFPA support at the community level to members of Congress . As part of this , we believe that American government will be reconsiderin0 Having a young person - Michaela - join our delegation to Malawi had a strong impact on the other delegates , as well as our Malawian hosts . It felt like all around us in Malawi , young women embodied the country 's hopes for its future . This was especailly apparent when we visited the Malawi Girl Guides Association . There Michaela interacted with young women whose life situations were not so different from her own - recent college graduates , with aspirations for a future improving their community . Of course , many of these young women faced much greater adversity , having been orphaned , overcome teenage pregnancies , needing to scrounge for school fees . But to be able to introduce them to a young woman from America enabled us to relate more intimately to them than we have been able to in other situations . Michaela 's participation - along with that of 3 other young women and one young man - also invigorated the American delegates . Most of the delegates anticipate a number of years of advocacy and involvement in women 's health and rights , but the interest and commitment voiced by this younger generation gave us all hope that , when the time comes , there will be someone to whom we can pass the torch . Maybe that " passing " is already happening ! I recall one evening during our debriefing sessions when we got on the topic of Facebook , and Michaela and the other younger delegates tried to explain this new technology to us , assuring us that Americans for UNFPA has an page not to mention , videos on You Tube and photos on Flickr . Michaela 's blog post via MarieClaire . com , the new technology mentioned above , and the energy on the young delegates show the promise of the future . I hope that the many readers of both Michaela 's blog and Marie Claire continue to stay involved with Americans for UNFPA . And for those of you who 've caught her travel bug : next year 's delegations are as follow : India in January and Uganda in August . Marcela HahnVice President of Development Zikomo = Thank You10 / 18 / 2007Nothing I learned in class or read in books compared to what I gained in the past 10 days . I witnessed first - hand the struggles the Malawian people face and their spirit , which can never be expressed in a book . Despite dismal statistics and limited resources , hope is pretty powerful . I heard it in the songs of the orphans , saw it in the courage of sex workers , and felt it in the empowering spirit of the girl guides . The young girls and women I met in Malawi are trying to establish better lives for themselves , and they are succeeding little by little . I felt helpless seeing rows of pregnant women who walked barefoot for miles sitting on the floor of a hospital room because there weren 't enough beds , and I couldn 't help but picture the high tech neonatal intensive care units we have back in America . I wish these women could have the same access to incubators and vital medications we take for granted in the US . At the same time , I am 100 percent confident that the doctors , nurses , and midwifes provide the best treatment available to ensure the health and dignity of every woman they treat . I just wish that they could have more - more space , more money , more doctors , more access , and most important more lives saved . Needless to say , this trip brought about mixed emotions : happiness , exhaustion , aggravation , confusion and sadness . Ultimately , though , this experience brought about gratefulness . Zikomo , or thank you , Malawi ! Now that I 'm home all I can think about is how and when I 'm going to go back to Africa ! Until then , I want to support Malawians through advocacy and fundraising . I hope that by talking about my adventures to my family and friends I can get more people interested in Americans for UNFPA and their work in Malawi and elsewhere . It 's frustrating to know that since the US government cut funding for the UNFPA , there is a shortage of programs that help women with family planning , pregnancy , childbirth , protection against sexually transmitted infections , and the prevention of0 I have been away from the internet for a few days again , and I have a lot to tell you . My trip is almost over and before leaving Africa the delegation spent a few nights on Safari ! Before we left though we traveled to the Zomba to visit an orphanage founded by Joyce Banda . Joyce Banda is currently the Minister of Foreign Affairs in Malawi , but that wasn 't always the case . She was involved in an abusive marriage and at age 25 she became empowered by the growing women 's movement . She took her three children , left her husband , and started a garment manufacturing business . She inspired other women to free themselves from abusive relationships , poverty , and injustice . Ms . Banda created the Joyce Banda Foundation for Better Education , and this is just one of her many contributions to Malawi 's women and children . Her orphanage in Zomba is a part of her foundation ; it is there that she provides a nutritious meal , an education , and a safe home for children who have lost both of their parents . I had the opportunity to meet with Ms . Banda , and she is truly an incredible woman . She has overcome many challenges and is now a successful leader in Malawi and wonderful role model . The children from the orphanage and the all the nearby townspeople were eager to greet us on Thursday afternoon . The students had prepared a song for our visit , and we took a group photograph together . I am still in awe at the warm welcome we receive at every new site . I am honored that our simple visit is viewed as such a celebration . We didn 't stay very long at the orphanage because we had a three - hour drive ahead of us in order to get to Mvuu Lodge before dark . The Mvuu Lodge , or the place of Hippo 's , is where we spent two nights on an African Safari . For me this part of the trip was especially exciting . I 've always wanted to go on a REAL African Safari , and my one wish of the weekend was that I would see elephants . Well I certainly got my wish ! I saw elephants , warthogs , hippos , crocodiles , bushbuck , and impala , just to name a few . I had warthogs snor0 Hi everyone , It has been a few days since I 've had computer / internet access , ( hence the date of the blog ) and I have a lot to tell you . On Wednesday the delegates and I traveled to meet with a group called the Family Planning Association of Malawi . This organization is currently working to promote safety among Malawi 's increasing population of women sex workers . Sex work is becoming a trend in Malawi , and it is especially affecting young women . FPAM , is helping to supply women with counseling , free contraception , motivating talks , and a feeling of empowerment . During our meeting with FPAM , we met about twenty women who are all employed as sex workers . Although prostitution is illegal in Malawi these women will congregate at particular night clubs and bars and sell their bodies in order to survive . One delegate in our group coined their work as " survival sex " . These women earn less than $ 1 per day and every day they are risking their lives for this small income . One woman from the group explained that she became involved in sex work because it was the only way she could make money , and she was using the income to help her brothers and sisters gain an education . Another woman named Martha told us that she was in an abusive relationship . She wanted to leave her husband but she knew she would be unable to support herself . Martha began selling her body so that she could care for her children and leave her abusive husband . These women did not choose this kind of work ; they need to do this work in order to survive , in order to support their families , in order to have a chance at making a better life for themselves . Our delegation was especially concerned with the safety of the women . These women risk their health and their dignity . Many male customers refuse to wear a condom . Each day 14 , 000 people are newly infected with HIV , and half of new infections are women . In addition , since this practice is illegal , many women have been arrested and are forced to have sexual relations with the police officer in order to 0 Today we visited Nkhoma Hospital in Nkhoma , Malawi , which is run by the Presbyterian Church of Central Africa . Each month the hospital admits about 1 , 000 patients all of which come to the hospital on their own or are referred to the hospital by local clinics . The government , organizations like UNFPA , and other donations support this hospital and allow for patients to be treated free of charge . One of the main procedures performed at this hospital is the repairing of fistula . A fistula is a connection between two spaces . Obstetric fistula is an abnormal opening between the bladder and the vagina that allows feces and urine to leak through the vagina . It is due to prolonged labor ; pressure from the baby 's skull will push against a mother 's pelvis and cause damage to the tissue . The prolonged labor also affects the baby , and unfortunately the result is usually a stillbirth . The physical effects of this condition are obviously painful ; however what I find even more heartbreaking is the psychological and emotional effects of the fistula . Fistula causes women to leak urine and stool continuously , and often husbands will leave their wives and women are thrown out of communities because they are considered to be a disgrace . There are many beliefs and misconceptions about the condition and most people do not understand that this condition is not due to the actions or the behavior of the woman . At the Nkhoma Hospital I had the opportunity to hear the stories of two women who suffered from obstetric fistula , but with the help of the doctors at the hospital , they are now recovering . One woman lived with the condition for twenty - three years . For almost half of her life she was considered an outcast and suffered tremendously from something that she had no control over . Just imagine for a moment that you are in labor for half of the day . You live several miles from the nearest health clinic and you know that you are having trouble and you need to get help . The only way to get to the clinic is to walk , so you walk in excruciating0 Today I began my official delegation adventures in Africa . First , I went to the UNFPA headquarters in Malawi , to meet the staff and to learn about the programs that this organization provides in order to support women and theirhealth . Representatives of the UNFPA are traveling with our delegation throughout the week and taking us to see various projects and campaigns in the local area . Our first site visit was to the Michinji District Hospital and Health Center . This is one of the main hospitals for maternal health . Women travel from many villages to receive help and to deliver their babies . In the maternity ward I noted that there were twelve beds yet I was told that there were currently sixty four expecting mothers . There are only four birthing beds , and there are always more women in need than there are beds . Many women come to the hospital to stay long before they are in labor , because they know that when they start delivering their child , there will be no transportation and they will not be able to have a safe delivery . Before I left for Malawi , I had the opportunity to visit the neonatal intensive care unit at a hospital in my town . The differences are astounding . The beds in the Malawi facility are falling apart , there is no privacy for the women , they are all put together in the same room , and their babies lay in the beds beside them . The women are of all different ages , some couldn 't have been more then twelve years old . They looked sad and uncomfortable . In the US , we have the ability to save premature babies and those children often grow up to lead very healthy lives . We have the medicines and the technology to help these children . In Malawi , and in many third world countries , this is impossible . I must say though , I was very impressed by the Michinji Hospital . The facility is clean and the staff is friendly . They are making the best of what they have , and they are absolutely improving women 's health . They are helping to decrease the maternal morality rate in Malawi and they are providing women the chance0 After three full days of traveling I have arrived safely in Malawi , Africa ! Although I have been here for only a day and a half , I 'm already in love with this beautiful country . For the next few days the delegates and I are staying at the Kumbali Lodge . The lodge is set on a farm and when I step outside of my hotel room the view takes my breath away . My favorite part about the hotel is the bed net that surrounds my bed like a princess canopy . Its main purpose is to keep out the mosquitoes , which are very common in Africa and often carry with them diseases like Malaria . In just the two days that I have been in Africa , I 've learned so much about this country and the people in it . Yesterday , after settling in at the lodge I had the opportunity to watch a dancing and singing performance . Some of the locals gathered at the farm to perform and teach other children the art of dancing . I myself have not an ounce of rhythm in my body , but the young dancers were incredibly talented . My favorite part of the performance was when a group of young boys presented us with a form of dance using dumbbells . Their instructor would choose a routine and sound out the beats by blowing his whistle . Depending on the routine they would strike the dumbbells under their legs , above their heads , while in mid - air jumping , and they would do this synchronized . I was fascinated by their performance and I can only imagine how much hard work and dedication that it took for the boys to complete the routines in unison . Today , I traveled to Lake Malawi . I was able to take some time and relax by the pool and get to know the other delegates . I always imagined that Africa would be beautiful , but I never imagined it to be this beautiful . The entire ride to the lake I couldn 't take my eyes from the window . Along the way , I was able to experience a village market . There were so many people , and you could buy just about anything you could possibly need , from peanuts , to clothes , fruits and vegetables , and even some sort of unidentifiable meat . In addition to 0 My name is Michaela and I am a 22 year old from Pawtucket , Rhode Island . I just graduated from college at the University of Rhode Island , and next month I am moving to Washington , DC to attend graduate school at George Washington University . In just a few days , I will be on my way to Malawi , Africa . In March I entered a national essay contest through Americans for UNFPA , an organization that supports the health and rights of women worldwide . The essay asked me to discuss the ways in which I plan to impact and improve these issues through my life and career . Well , I won the essay contest , and lucky for me the grand prize was a trip to Malawi with a delegation representing Americans for UNFPA . So you can only imagine my excitement because this prize includes traveling to a new continent and learning about what interests me the most . Ever since I was in the fourth grade I have wanted to become a doctor . My interest in medicine has expanded to include an interest in global public health . I have this " travel bug " that doesn 't seem to be going away and my goal is to experience as many new countries as I possibly can . When I learned I had won the contest , I was completely shocked . If you ask my family or my closest friends they wouldn 't think me going to Africa was anything out of the ordinary . I called my parents immediately and my mom admitted that she knew one day I would visit Africa . During a family vacation after riding through the African Safari in Disney World 's Animal Kingdom theme park , I talked the whole day about how one day I would go to the real Africa . Malawi will , of course , be much different then what I experienced in Orlando , Florida , but for me this trip is a check off my list of life goals . I know the trip will be an unbelievable experience . In Malawi I will have the opportunity to visit maternity hospitals , fistula clinics , youth centers , and meet with representatives of Malawi 's Parliament . As a student with a great interest in medicine and global public health , this trip will help me to gain a broad0 In July Americans for UNFPA traveled to far and exotic lands to meet and film three recipients of the International Award for the Health and Dignity of Women . Deni Robey journeyed to Niger to meet Madame Salamatou Traoré . She addresses the health , social and long - term economic needs of Nigerien women who have suffered an obstetric fistula . A condition that affects very poor women in remote communities , fistulas rob women of their lives and are likely to reoccur , even when women undergo repair surgery . Traoré 's strategies involve not just treatment but prevention and social reintegration . Angeline Martyn traveled to Mongolia to meet Dr . Dorj Munkhuu and Cambodia to meet Ket Noeun . Dr . Munkhuu is known throughout Mongolia as one of the country 's most revered and influential leaders . A great - grandmother , doctor and member of Parliament , Dr . Munkhuu has helped shape democracy in Mongolia and brought about changes that improve women 's health and position them to win social and political power . She even ask for us to teach her lobbying techniques . Ket Noeun seeks justice for women and girls in Cambodia who have survived trafficking , domestic violence and rape . Beloved by those she fights for , Noeun engages police and other authorities to partner with the Cambodian Women 's Crisis Center ( CWCC ) to reduce violence in women 's lives and hold perpetrators accountable . A 22 year old woman and her mother greeted us at our next stop in the village . There house was made of the same material as the Mrs . Heang 's but it was much larger and had a distinctly separate kitchen area at the base and a narrow staircase that lead us to a large living areas . Beautiful straw mats lined the floors , which I later learned the mom made herself . Upstairs - they had walls and two windows , overlooking the kitchen area . The windows were cut outs - so they were permanently open . I remember thinking , wow , this is really nice . And , for them it was . At the same time , it was sad to think that a few walls , and windows made for a significantly better living experience . In NY we complain about our tiny apartments - but we rarely think that the bare basics that we take for granted are pure luxury for counterparts around the world . We sat together on the mats upstairs . The 22 year old sat silently next to her mom . If I hadn 't known her age I would have guessed 14 . Ms . Noeun and Sophanara assured me that they both wanted to meet with us . After about 5 minutes of taping , I asked the videographer to stop . I hadn 't even heard any of the dialogue translated , but I saw from the lost look on the 22 year olds face as her mom spoke , that a difficult story was being re - hashed and I just didn 't feel that is was fair to make her re - live the experience in any way , especially it is wasn 't even her talking about it . The mom clearly was still traumatized by the experience and felt a great deal of responsibility . She blamed herself , a widow in poverty , for encouraging her daughter to seek work as a domestic worker ( helping with house work , cleaning , cooking , etc ) for a foreigner . Her daughter , along with 4 other girls lived full time with the man from New Zealand and his Cambodian wife . While living there all 5 girls were sexually assaulted . The first time it happened to the 22 year old , she didn 't say anything - she didn 't know what to do . The second time , she dropped a hint to one of the others and soon learned that 0 We went to a local village today . It was unlike anything I could have imagined . The drive there was an escape away from hotel - tourist central . As I looked to the side of the road , I was shocked by how skinny and hungry the cows looked . Talk about an oxy moron . I kept picturing the black and white wrappers of the low fat , " skinny cow ice cream bars … and thinking if only they KNEW there was such a thing , I think the ice cream company would change the name . I could see their bones through their skin . En route we stopped for lunch . Mind you at this point I 'd already spent a day and a half with our video crew . Half way through lunch , I realized that one of the video guys is actually American ! California driver 's license and all . The day prior , when we were having trouble translating a phrase or two , I noticed he chimed in , but he certainly didn 't say more than 20 words the whole day . I guess it 's easier to casually forget to mention that you speak English than to get stuck translating when you signed onto videotape . But , it was nice to be able to communicate now and again without a language barrier . Lunch by the way was amazing . Soups are an essential part of Cambodian eating . Today 's we had what 's called " Sour Soup . " Not so sour and pretty good . We also had some fried fish . Parts of Siem Reap are quite touristy , and like we associate the sea side with seafood ; I think Siem Reap has the same feeling . As we walked through dirt paths by what felt like a mini forest , I was in some way expecting to see a simple , small house . A house as we know it that is - - with walls , roofs , and a door that can keep the outside world out . Mind you that the only buildings I 'd seen so far in Cambodia , were hotels , the CWCC office space , the CWCC Shelter for Women and Children , the outside of the Royal Place / Residence ( its right in the city center ) , the police station , a restaurant or two and rows of hotels catering to largely international tourists . We walked through the trees , down the dirt path , and next thing I knew Ms . 0 Breakfast at the hotel was a mix of soup , fried rice , kimchi , eggs , fruit , pancakes and toast . Sophanara ( UNFPA Cambodia Communications Associate ) and Sultan ( Driver ) met me at about 8am and the film crew followed in a pick up truck behind them . We went straight to the Cambodian Women 's Crisis Center Shelter . Like most shelters there was no identifying information outside to be sure that abusers , etc , are unable to find it . Ms . Noeun was there to greet me and I could see she had plenty of energy . Her motorcycle was parked out front , since she too had just arrived . I explained that it would be wonderful if she could just go about her morning like she normally would - and allow the video crew to follow behind her . I 'm sure she did some of her meetings in fast forward but she really was great at ignoring the camera and giving her un - dived attention to each person she encountered . Women and children who have been victims of domestic violence or sexual abuse are able to live at the shelter during their legal process . Ms . Noeun started her morning by stopping into the kids classroom . Kids of all ages were in one room - and when we walked through they were busy tracing shapes at the table . A couple babies were asleep in small hammocks and a few kids were sitting in a group and drawing . They all looked forward to seeing Ms . Noeun and responded early as she asked them about how they were and what they were working on . She stopped and helped them on their project and makes time to somehow make each child feel acknowledged . The Sewing room was pretty cool for me to see . Twelve extra sewing machines were against the wall - that said donated by UNFPA . When the woman are ready to leave the Center they are given one each allowing with 100 , 000 Riel ( $ 25 ) to help them start their own business . Women also learned how to cook . Each day four women are responsible for cooking . They are given $ 25 to go to the market and prepare 4 meals for 50 people ( breakfast , lunch , snack , dinner ) . They had porridge and water for breakfast and for 0 I 've arrived safely in Siem Reap . The flight was delayed though for the first hour of the delay the airline claims that my ticket , itinerary , and all related documentation actually listed my flight time wrong . Though my ticket said 7 : 30pm departure from Seoul , Korea the airline staff were adamant that the flight was actually scheduled for 8 : 30pm . Ok , whatever , Í 'll go with the flow . Since I had several hours to pass , I sat down for some traditional Korean food - - double boiled beef short ribs in broth . A couple years ago I learned how to make Korean style bbq short ribs . . . so it was fun to experience the authentic cuisine . I think I was the only non - Korean person in the whole restaurant . The flight took off until about 9 : 30pm and I arrived in Siem Reap about 5 . 5 hours later . Of course , just my luck , there is a 2 hour time difference between Korea and Cambodia ( 3 between Mongolia and Cambodia ) so it might have only been 1am in Cambodia but as far as my internal time clock new it was 3 am ! ! Though my hotel was supposed to pick me up from the airport , when Sophanara , the UNFPA Cambodia representative who was meeting me in Siem Reap , stopped by the hotel to make sure everything was set for my arrival . , the hotel manager said that her staff had gone home for the night and sorry , there is no one to pick me up . Sultan , also from UNPFA Cambodia , saved the day , and though he too was exhausted from driving Sophanara from Phnom Phen that afternoon . He graciously offered to pick me up and stood waiting , smiling at the airport to greet me . What a difference a friendly face makes upon arrival in a new place . I felt at home immediately . Even though it is so late at night , it is incredible humid out . The road from the airport to the hotel felt very dismal . Unlike Ulan Bator , which felt somewhat industrialized with pockets of great disparity , tonight my eyes only saw what felt very much like a low income country in need . It was strange to have the immediate feeling that UNFPA 's help was needed . I was also reminded of Sri Lanka . In Sr0 We hit the road at 8am friday to beat traffic for our 2 hour drive to Darkhar ( I know I 'm spelling that wrong , but I don 't know where to look it up ! ) where there are mining sites for both coal and gold . Funny thing . We arrived there at 1 : 30pm . Five and a half hours later . There were very bumpy roads but not really that much traffic , so I 'm not quite sure what happened . Lucky for me , the company in the car was compelling and , I was able to take a cat nap or two . Dr . Munkhuu had this great cashmere back brace that she offered up for me to use , but I said that at more than half her age , I thought she deserved it more than me ! Apparently the brace costs about $ 6USD which to me sounds cost effective , practical and trendy ! Sign me up for one ! Cashmere is plentiful here … but cashmere is still cashmere and even at the discounted price , you are still paying a lot . It was my first day free of a camera crew , and though they were fantastic , it was nice to not have to think about interview questions , or video footage . The governor of the Soem where the mining takes place , two of his staff and a few others , met us in a Jeep about a hour away from the mining district to direct us the rest of the day . Everything seemed to be 30 more kilometers or 10 more kilometers but everything seems to take at least another hour . At the time , the distance didn 't really phase us - the countryside was very peaceful . We were shocked though , after driving for hours through empty fields to see a massive city crop up in the distance . The mining district that we visited was at the tip of the city , but still in a very rural location . As we approached the mining fields we saw 2 - 3 people in various quadrants in the distance . Each hovered near a bed of water , seeking their treasure . The mining industry is filled with unregistered migrants - which to UNFPA equates to people who are in dire need of help because they government can not officially offer them care and support . We drove " 10 kilometers more " - 30 minutes and we met several miners and their families . 0 Though we didn 't get to sleep in a Ger , a herdsman knew that we were coming to visit the Mobile Clinic and had heard that Dr . Munkhuu would be receiving an award with us , and as such , invited us in for a home cooked 5 star lunch . We dined in his guest ger - which was absolutely gorgeous . He 's a rather wealthy herdsman , with 500 cattle of his own - though I don 't know where he kept them because I only saw 2 or 3 ) . Anika , by day President of Americans for UNFPA by night as aspiring interior decorator - was taking detailed notes on the ornate decorations . I will not be surprised if her daughter Amani 's bedroom is soon decked out in Ger style . To be honest , the workmanship was incredible . It felt like a lifesize dollhouse . Even the entrance to the ger is done with beautiful workmanship . There were four beds inside that lined with walls on the ger - all were carved and painted with an orange base and blue design work . The design seemed to have Moroccan influence and they basically felt like " Day Beds . " We sat on them … apparently the men are supposed to sit on the left and the women to the right . They had an amazing coffee table in the same design and all of the spokes holding up the ger were also ornately designed in the same colors . The herdsman ( in his spare time ) built , carved , painted EVERYTHING . He said the coffee table alone took him four months . Twenty of us gathered in their Ger - which I 'm guessing was about 30 ft diameter . They fed the doctors , trainees , drivers , video crew and all of us from UNFPA and Americans for UNFPA . They served lamb , cabbage , potatoes , carrots , cubed cheese , crème ( which was a cross between butter and clotted crème ) and bread and Dr . Sumbertzel 's wife and daughter packed us a picnic lunch with we shared with all of them . The food is cooked over hot stones and just before we ate , we each were given a hot stone to toss in our hands and improve circulation . It was HOT but I 'd definitely do it again . We also had fresh Mongolian yogurt ( both Anika and I are big fans ) and Horsemilk - which 0 When I signed onto the internet Thursday morning , I was pretty shocked to see " steam pipe explosion near Chrysler Building " as the top story on yahoo news in Mongolia ! There is a 12 hour time difference between NYC and UB . For those of you that don 't know , Americans for UNFPA 's office in NYC is located just across the street from there . Thankfully , no one from our office as hurt - Deni and Marcela were the only employees in the office and they were quickly evacuated from the building ( So quickly that Deni 's cell phone , wallet , and the video footage from her visit to 2007 Honoree Mdme Traore in Niger are still sitting on her desk . . oy ! ) I 've since heard that the external damage to the building is quite bad and they are waiting for reports about the inside . Our office and the entire building are closed until mid next week at the earliest . About 20 minutes later , that same day , I learned that there was an Anthrax scare in Kar Khorem - the ancient city - where we were planning on spending the night in the Ger . Who knew that there was more to Anthrax than being a chemical weapon ? Apparently it is actually first transmitted through cattle . According to Dr . Munkhuu 's son , ( the dean of public health ) , there is no evidence of cattle to human transmission , yet . None the less , there is NO WAY we are going to Kar Khorem today . Anthrax in Mongolia and a natural disaster explosion in NYC - definitely not a lucky morning for Americans for UNFPA . As planned , we carried on with the first half of our day - a visit to a UNFPA funded mobile clinic . Once my photos are posted you won 't have to rely on my descriptive visuals - but in the mean time - picture two tents pitched in the middle of countryside fields with an emergency mini - van beside them . The only things in any proximity were two gers about 300 meters away , A couple of cows and horses close to the gers and our two cars pulled up in front of the tents . Right there , in the tents , they had two pretty impressive things going on . In the first tent , they were conducting an ultrasound o0 Today we met with U . S . Ambassador Mark Minton and Mr . Dan Nadel , a Presidential Management Fellow working at the Embassy . Turns out Ambassador Minton used to work with our former Board Chair , Phyllis Oakley and Dan is originally from Queens , NY . Oh the small world we live in ! From there we had additional media interviews … . apparently when Jagga , the media advisor at UNFPA Mongolia , arrived at work this morning , her phone was ringing off the hook from a variety of media asking why they had not been able to interview Anika or Dr . Munkhuu . I know a segment ran again on tonight 's 8pm news because a friend of Dr . Munkhuu 's called her during dinner to say congratulations . . she just heard the good news on the news . Our evening tonight with Dr . Munkhuu 's family was unforgettable . Dr . Munkhuu hosted a lovely dinner at the Mongol Hotel - which is a must see location that takes you back to Genghis times in its historic scenic step back in time . We met almost all of Dr . Munkhuu 's children , grandchildren , and even a great grand child , and had a wonderful celebration in her honor . We also celebrated Susie Smith 's birthday - Susie if you remember is the Peace Corp Volunteer who met me at the airport and also played a significant role in organizing our trip logistics . BTW Susie 's heading back to the U . S . this fall and will be entering a job search … did I mention she 's personable , professional , a great organizer , culturally sensitive , speaks a bit of French , Spanish , English and Mongolian , and has her Masters in … something . She 'll be heading home to Denver , Colorado but will go where the wind takes her when she begins her job search . ( Ahh , the glory of networking ) After dinner we made a quick stop at Strings , a " club / lounge " where a band from the Philippines , " Midnight Shift " was playing . Delia is originally from the Phillipines and it was our last chance to chat with her before we leave . She 'll be on mission when we return from Kharkhorin . We caught part of the first set , classic American favorites like " Africa " and they sang hap0 It 's great to have Anika here in Mongolia . Anika Rahman , President , Americans for UNFPA arrived in Ulan Bator just before midnight on Monday night , after an unexpected 7 hour or so wait in the Beijing airport due to flight delays . Nonetheless , we debriefed quickly and arranged to meet at 8 : 15 for a jam packed day . So jam packed that I didn 't get to post this until today . Tuesday was empowering and enriching . We learned in the morning that our camera crew 's TV station was planning on announcing Dr . Munkhuu as honoree of the 2007 International Award for the Health and Dignity of Women on the 6pm news . TV 5 is the leading news medium in Mongolia . You know the way news clips looks when , for example , a president or presidential candidate makes a day trip to a target state ? You see the candidate and his / her entourage walking into rooms packed with people , standing at the podium , shaking hands with dignitaries and locals , being interviewed , ect . Well , apparently the segment that ran on the news yesterday ( and again today , I guess , because it was such a top story ) was just that - except Dr . Munkhuu , Anika and I were the featured women ! I guess the President of Americans for UNFPA plus a leading advocate / politician in Mongolia = Breaking News ! Sure , we 've all been on the news plenty of times before , but I personally have never been to vividly in the limelight with a news crew follow me for an entire day . I haven 't seen the segment yet , but I 'm hoping to get a link to the online feed within the next day or two . We started our day at UNFPA , where we briefed the staff on the background of the award , talked about Ms . Noeun from Cambodia and Mdme . Traore from Niger who will also receive the award , and we gave them the lo - down on the fabulous 3 American Honorees , and the lifetime achievement award winner ( Mr . Ted Turner ) . From there we went to Gal Golomt National Movement , an NGO that Dr . Munkhuu founded . I thought we were going to meet with 2 - 3 staff members - so when we walked into the room to see a ) the camera crew already set0 Mongolia is one of the least densly population countries . The population is about 2 . 6 million . There are 1 . 5 people per square kilometer in the country . At the same time , Ulan Bator , the capitol , is very crowded . 45 % of the population lives in UB and there are actually 205 people per square kilo in UB . From one point five people to two hundred and five from urban to rural . In the rural areas , who do they borrow egg or milk from if they need some in a pinch ? ! I asked why we are taking two cars to the rural area on Thursday and it 's because the areas are so remote that its too dangerous to go alone , in case you have car trouble , etc . The Western region , where Dr . Munkhuu grew up , is the area of the country with the largest nomadic community and the least resources . She grew up in a herder family . She witnessed the daily list of responsibilities - and saw how even a day after giving birth , women ( including her own mom ) were back in the fields , tending the livestock and caring for the family . UNFPA has programs in 5 of these western provinces focusing on reproductive health and Dr . Munkhuu is amongst the many people now making sure that women in these communities have access to better health care . Still there is way more work to be done . The maternal mortality rate in urban areas are 93 per 100 , 000 ( is 45 per 100 , 000 in the U . S ) versus 380 per 100 , 000 in the rural areas . I learned more today than I have in a long time , and what i 've mentioned above barely scratches the surface . My brain is still digesting . One thing is clear . Dr . Munkhuu has influenced the lives of so many . Her impact is long standing - both for the success of the country and the growth of individuals . Enkhjargal , a UNFPA colleague who first worked with Dr . Munkhuu almost 25 years ago in parliament , says that any time she has a big issue that she needs to discuss , personal or professional , Munkhuu is the first person she turns to . Undarya , National Coordinator for MonFemNet , the Mongolian Women 's National NGO Network told me that Dr . Munkhuu 's leadership 0 I can 't believe I 'm in Mongolia . I don 't really know what I expected it to be like , but I do know it 's quite different to what I imagined . Ulan Bator , the capitol , reminds me of a cross between Valencia - a sea side city in Spain and the Jersey Shore off season . Everywhere I look I see mountains where I 'm guessing the majority of Mongolia 's famous nomadic communities live . On Wednesday or Thursday I 'm going to actually spend the night in a Ger ! I just had dinner with Dr . Munkhuu , who is essentially the reason I 'm here . She 's one of three women to be honored this fall with the 2007 Americans for UNFPA International Award for the Health and Dignity of Women . She 's every bit as warm and amazing as I imagined her to be . She holds a million positions in Mongolia - she run 's a non - profit Gal Golomt and she 's also a Culture , Gender and Human Rights senior advisor to UNFPA . Culture , Gender and Human Rights - all in one title - I wish ! On top of that , she was one of the first female parliament members , she 's a doctor , she has eight kids plus grandkids and great grandkids and she seems to have an amazing sense of work - life balance . And , she seems extremely humble . I however have no problem telling the world about her - and I 'm going to spend the next few days filming footage for a short video on her and I 'm sure to talk more about her in this blog . Suzie , a Peace Corps volunteer from Denver who is working at UNFPA met me at the airport along with Dr . Munkhuu 's eldest son . I 've only been here 8 hours and in the first two of those Suzie walked me through me most of what there is to see in UB . I learned that the most prominent structure is a massive memorial to Genghis Khan - which looks a lot like Lincoln Memorial … and I 've seen about 10 other structures , statues , posters , street signs featuring him . Needless to say Genghis is the Biggest Name in Mongolia . ( with Dr . Munkhuu a close second or third , I 'd like to think … ) Dr . Munkhuu met me at 4pm and brought with her a medley of photos to help chronicle her life . I saw her ridin0 Beijing , by the way was great . Very crowed , very bustling . I 'd say it offers some serious competition to NYC . I arrived in mid afternoon and transited overnight there after my 13 . 5 flight from Newark . Determined to see more than my hotel lobby , I ventured out into the city for the few precious hours I had . I stayed pretty close to the city center and felt extremely safe . I stopped by a small art exhibition and learned about calligraphy art and rice paper , saw three versions of " the four seasons , " and tons of drawings of horses ! Since I was born the " year of the horse " I 'm well versed in how lucky the horse is meant to be . Adjacent to the exhibit , at about 6pm , the steps of the Catholic Church were filled with skate boarders and crowds watching , and at midnight the streets were still full . They have a snack market that lines the streets from about 8pm onwards and instead of pretzels , cotton candy and hotdogs - they have dumplings , fruit kabobs , noodles , every other kebab you can imagine and stall after stall of vendors selling Chinese trinkets . ( People could not understand why I couldn 't be persuaded to by a fan or a jade budda ! ) . Like Canal Street in NewYork there were tons of fake Gucci , " prados , " coach bag . The vendors thought I was crazy when I said I would only consider buying a non - designer purse WITHOUT any labels . I think it was the first time they heard such a request ! Ironically MANY people have complimented me on my " Men in Black " watch . I don 't even know if they wore watches in that movie , but basically the day before I left the city I realized I didn 't have a watch or my travel alarm clock . I picked up a massive rubber strapped digital watch with a huge face and an alarm clock that was sitting at a store near my office , about 70 percent off - calling my name . It looks like it does a lot more than I 'll ever know - perhaps transmitting messages to the aliens . Thanks to Jesse , our outreach coordinator , in about 2 minutes he figured out how to use it and 30 seconds later I learned how to work the alarm clock0 I never had access to a computer my last day in Niamey and I felt that the blog was hanging a little . So , in retrospect , here 's the end of my experience in Niger . As a tourist , I was a failure in Niger . I went to the Grand Mosque ( with headscarf ready ) but it was locked up and the guy with the key was nowhere to be found . Soumana and I went to the Niger Museum on Friday ( supposed to be one of the best in West Africa ) but , of course , it was closed on the holy day . ( Soumana was , apparently , not paying that much attention to prayers last week . ) Instead we had cokes and talked about being 40 and never married , how it 's unusual in both our societies and what kind of people give us grief over it . ( Soumana suggests that I 'm not married because I can 't cook and I suggest he 's not married because he 's rude . ) On Thursday night I was invited to Madam Traore 's for dinner which was a really nice dinner with enough food for about 25 people ( there were five of us ) . I now know about 10 French words and Madam Traore knows about 20 English words so the conversation was light . I told her mangos from really hot climates are much better than the ones from hot houses and so on Friday she brought me a bag to take home . They made it to JFK where the customs agents took them from me ( and ate them , no doubt ) . The business aspect of my trip was considerably more successful . On Friday I went to the other big hospital in Niamey that is part of the University . Two urologists perform fistula repairs and train gynecologists to do the surgery . I met with the senior surgeon , Dr . Sanda who , like Dr . Abdulai at the National Hospital , seems very dedicated and is very good with the patients . I found the work being done to address fistula in Niger to be really impressive . This is one of those cases where the reality seems to match the claims . Definately , UNFPA is dedicated to addressing fistula in Niger and definately Madam Traore makes a difference . At dinner before I left for the airport I asked Ghaichatou why she personally thought Madam Traore was worth0 I 've been on this computer a few times today without managing to get a connection so if you 're reading this it means the power didn 't go out and I didn 't give up for the night . The staff here have been really patient with my lack of French but they 're very young and we have conversations like this : Me : I need to send an email and the computer isn 't working and I don 't know what the error message says . Nice Hotel Staffer : Why not ? Me : Because it 's in French . NHS : Oh , right . Me : That 's ok , I can call . Does the paper in my room say that the room phones don 't work ? NHS : No , you can call . Me : From my room ? NHS : No , not from the room . The room hones don 't work . Ghaichatou : Is Deni Robey in the hotel ? NHS : Yes , she 's here . Ghai : Can you call her room ? NHS : She is not answering , she 's probably coming . Ghai : Are you sure she didn 't leave for the Grand Hotel ? NHS : Ah , yes , she took a taxi . Eight years ago Friday ( July 6th ) I watched my nephew , Charlie , come into the world . He 's been on my mind because this is the first year that I won 't be with him on his birthday but he 's also my only experience with childbirth . And I 'm sure I don 't have to go through the litany of differences between my step - sister 's delivery and that of most of the women I 've met here . I 'll just say this one thing because it 's pretty interesting . West African women are expected to give birth without crying or screaming . Literally , they are supposed to " suffer in silence . " That 's a cultural thing , not a poverty thing . ( Imagine a whole country of Tom Cruises . ) I 'm here to see women 's health programs but education comes up again and again . School is free here ( through university ) though students have to buy their uniforms and pay small fees that are not exactly tuition . But very few children are in school . The Nigeriens I meet keep telling me that the country won 't get any better until the kids go to school . On Monday as we were leaving the Dimol offices a very young girl was waiting outside with her husband . She gave birth two weeks ago and has been leeking urine ever s0
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